#she's still missing the point man
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my mother going from "you should wax your unibrow off because it's ugly" to "you should wax it off because it's not normal"
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#don't get me wrong i know she means well when she says that#i know what she means to say but like-#she's still missing the point man#when i told her i might have depression i also tried telling her i have it since 6th#that's when i started having a really really bad self image of myself in terms of appearance because-#-that was the moment my unibrow started to out#i hated it and i hated myself - i thought it was ugly and i thought i was ugly because of it#because people made me think that by making fun of it#i appreciate her being mindful and changing 'ugly' to 'not normal'#but it still sucks#i know she sees my silly unibrow as the enemy here#but it was really not#the people who were making fun of it were the real enemy#and the whole reason i don't want to wax it off is because there is nothing wrong about it#i actually think it's really pretty!!#i see it as a part of myself and i really like it - it makes me feel whole#i know she wants to protect me from more hurtie hurt when she says that#but she doesn't realise that not my unibrow is the problem but rather people's view on it#hopefully i will make her understand that too at some point
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fly high
#my art#ildari sarothril#flat chested queen#the scar on her face is just decorative to make her look more outwardly scary but she probably got it when n*loth missed some spell on -#- accident or something and she walked off her face almost being torn in half like a man so that n*loth wouldn't think she's a little -#- bitch for crying even though she;s never experienced that type of pain in her life and couldn't even fathom it up to that point and it -#- gave her permanent brain damage#i learned to draw her just so i could put her in my dr*gon ball au cause i figured out who she will be but she's FUN ok#also i still don't like white hair on dunmer Bruh but hers can be explained by her greying in 0.0004 after n*loth ripped her chest open#idk she's been through a lot ig :)
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Azula antis: She’s pure evil.
Me: ...Well, Zuko changed so why can’t she get a chance?
Antis: Uh- she was born evil! She had no empathy!
Me: My guy, she was raised by literal Ozai and was neglected by her mom along with Iroh. Zuko could’ve been the same and so could’ve ANYONE. That was the whole point of that one episode showing Roku’s backstory. She’s also still only 14 in the finale and 16 in the comics.
Antis: Erm- uh...She rejected redemption! Yeah- she’s pure evil for that!
Me: Zuko rejected redemption in season 2. But he still changed.
Antis:
#did people miss the whole damn point of that one roku episode...?#yeah she did really bad stuff but she’s still a child- she can change lmao#zuzu is a prime example#iroh changed and he’s a grown man#so who says a 14 year old girl with gifted child burnout can’t lol#you can dislike her and her actions but have some common sense#anime#atla#analysis#avatar#zuko#character analysis#azula supremacy#azula#azula meta#azula atla#avatar azula#princess azula#meta#atla meta
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MAN I'm seriously so sad about season 2. Bc I wish act 2 had the same emotional impact on me as it appears to have on so many others. But rn I'm just somewhere between unable to care and actively annoyed by some of those writing decisions. Seriously the more I think about it the less I like it.
#act 3 come through please 🙏#I don't think it can salvage some of the things I have contentions with but still... please...#don't ask me about the silco vander flashback with jinxs + vis mom#or the bizzare choice to do so much of the storytelling through this weird music video format they've got going on#completely stripping it of the weight these plot beats could've had if they were... normal scenes#and also missing the point of how the music was used in season 1 and what made it so effective#bc it was complementary to instead of replacing the storytelling#seriously don't ask me about these things I will spontaneously implode on the spot#whyyyyy would they recontextualize season 1 like this with that flashback#to me it kind of ruins the character dynamics and themes in s1. it just makes me so sad you have no idea#also what even are they doing with Jinx rn for real#aaarghhhh just... so many things that are making me scratch my head#also I'm so terribly sorry but I could not care less about Isha sorry lol#like i get that its sad conceptually but she was such a non-character that i struggle to feel impacted at all#same with sky tbh. i thought her role in s1 was alright but there is so much emotional weight put on her now#in terms of her relationship to Viktor but that was barely established so it's weird to have her around#and clearly you're supposed to care but they haven't given me much reason to#isha and sky were non-characters just there to die to further the development of other characters#they didn't really have anything going on on their own and that's just a type of character and plot device that does nothing for me#also i thought the war between zaun and piltover + internal struggles in zaun bc silcos gone would be the main focus#but that stuff seems so sidetracked rn#also sorry i dont like what they did with vander and warwick either. that man should've stayed dead lol#it honestly just makes his death feel less impactful and i dont know what this is supposed to do for the story or the themes???#that just feels like a pointless plotline that is taking up time that could've been spent on other things#i just... i could go on like this for a while like there are so many things that just puzzle me#it's so weird considering how tight and thematically consistent season 1 was#let's see where act 3 goes but... i kinda have a bad feeling about it ngl#obv im glad others are enjoying it and this is just my opinion! also a lot of this are probs just my personal tastes anyway#arcane spoilers
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something I’ve been thinking abt is how many people think Makoto is immune to despair. I don’t think he is. I think becoming the ultimate Hope was BECAUSE he felt despair. He wouldn’t have fully reached that point without Junko. Makoto becoming such a beacon was his last attempt to avoid completely falling and it wasn’t because he didn’t feel despair, it was because he was too damn stubborn to allow everything to go to waste and he refused to sacrifice his beliefs for someone else’s. His inner monologue tells me he DID experience the same new low the other suvivors did in the final trial, but at the point where he had the choice to give up and die, he looked at the others and he looked at Junko and he couldn’t allow it to happen, not out of self preservation, but because the idea that Junko would have control over their lives made him FURIOUS. and that utter refusal to die kicked in, wether luck or otherwise, and he made the concious effort for one last push while something in him was breaking. He had to be broken in order for the Ultimate Hope to come through so aggressively, bc it could only exist in the face of the Ultimate Despair. He snapped the same way she did, but in the other direction. In what could have been his final moments he chose to embody everything Junko wasn’t, and every single optimistic and luck fueled ideal in him suddenly charged forward and pushed him. It was a combination of the final straw and a choice. Makoto isn’t immune to feeling despair, he’s just too stubborn to fall into it of his own volition. I think that’s why I like that scene in DR3 so much. People were SO SHOCKED Makoto actually fell for the tape, that he actually became despair for a moment. I saw people getting mad or disappointed, saying it was pathetic and Makoto seemed to fall from some sort of pedestal for them. Honestly part of me wonders if that sort of mentality, which clearly people had in universe, affected Makoto a bit. Like he started to see himself as less of a person, subconsciously. Prompting him to take more risks, less self preservation, act way more bold. It seems he has to be reminded a lot not to put himself in danger by his friends, to not do something too reckless. All over the place I would see in regards to that scene either this frivolous ‘oh this was just angst drama with no meaning behind it’ or ‘he can do better than that. he’s so weak’ or ‘come on, there’s no way he’d fall into despair, he’s the Ultimate Hope!’ This kind of mentality, which was kind of ironic considering Ryota was there the entire time saying the same thing and treating Makoto the same way. Like Makoto was superhuman. Like Makoto didn’t feel despair the same way ‘normal people’ did. In a way that was also how Munakata saw Makoto. Makoto stopped being a PERSON to the world when he became Ultimate Hope, he became a concept, a belief system, much the same way Junko ascended beyond herself. But the difference is that treating Makoto that way is the opposite of the reason Makoto became such a representative for hope. He wasn’t doing something no one else could. He was doing something everyone had the chance to, he just… was a little more optimistic, a little more stubborn, a little more ‘gung-ho’ about things. He just took the lead where no one else did, where no one else knew they even COULD in the face of Junko’s unstoppable force. She had overcome the biggest threats and obstacles in the world, what could one person do? And the answer Makoto found was, anything. Everything. It doesn’t all rest on Makoto, he’s just the one that was inspired to try to do what seemed like the impossible. But as evidenced by the change in his friends after that trial, it’s clearly not something only Makoto is capable of. The others pulled out of despair thanks to Makoto, but it was their choice to do so.
“But… this world is so huge, and we’re so small. What can we do…? No, we can probably do anything. Yeah! We can do anything!”
#makoto naegi#Danganronpa character analysis#Danganronpa#danganronpa thh#danganronpa future arc#I fucking love Makoto Naegi man.#I think there’s a fine line of nuance to Makoto that’s easy to miss bc he doesn’t really make it known#he’s not a pushover and he’s not overpowered. he’s a people pleaser but he will say what needs to be said#he’s an immovable object and the exact opposite of Junko but he’s also just a normal guy who’s optimistic and (un)lucky#he isn’t invincible but he has immense power to his words the same way Junko did#if anything his superpower is being kind above all else. he’s compassionate to some of the worst people in the world.#he was even conpassionatr to an extent to Junko. he didnt want her to kill herself despite everything she’s done#and he still acknowledges that for years she was a classmate and friend.#I do think the more he learned abt what she did the more he’s come to actually hate her though#post the first game he always refers to her without a suffix to her name which is one of the most subtle rude things you can do#it means you have zero respect for the person you’re referring to#and he speaks about her with some venom he doesn’t use for anyone else in the future arc#he’s not incapable of feeling negative emotions#I really liked the future arc scene bc it showed that Makoto DID experience enough despair to have overcome him if he didn’t refuse#and that it still affects him deeply. people treat him like he’s either this perfect ideal Chad or this baby chick who’s so delicate#and no one really focuses on how makoto shoulders so much and yet is still vulnerable.#honestly that guy was DUE for a mental breakdown even without the tape. it would have happened eventually#I actually wrote one based on him finally hitting a breaking point after giving so much of himself away and keeping nothing for himself#that his issues that he shoves down constantly finally can’t be held down anymore. Hajime helps him bc he knows how that feels#it was a LONG time ago that I wrote that but honestly if I can remember where i was going w it I might finish it#it was initially an rp but I could make it a fic#anyway. the point is Makoto is SO much more complex than people give him credit for#the most fundamental thing about him is that he’s normal and that’s ok! that’s what helps him rise!
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actually i do have something to say about this chapter and it's quite critical of it but also i'm tired tonight and i've been talking about it long and hard on discord already and putting it all together in a coherent post feels like too much of a task tonight. all i'm gonna say is that part 2 was very obviously going in a certain direction from the start, and i loved that direction, and to an extent it is still going in that direction but now very obviously missing a huge chunk of what stirred it in that direction. and i'm hesitant to simply say it's fujimoto that's dropped the ball on this (though it might the idealization, who's to say) because from the actual shape of the writing + slump in paneling/art + recent bitter interview by fujimoto + japanese audience is apparently vocally not a fan of asa + my own cursed knowledge of shounen jump and shueisha editors and how they react to a fall in sales = i think the lack of focus on asa has really hurt the themes of part 2 when she was an integral part of it + i think this wasn't entirely fujimoto's doing and it's very likely because she is apparently strongly disliked in japan and there's good reason to believe that fujimoto was told to not focus on her nearly as much bc sales slump and people complain as soon as she shows up. which sucks. becaue what made part 2 work as well as it did was the synergy and parallel between the two protagonists' paths, and the absence of asa's path in the past few months (both in universe and by real time in the comic) feels like a genuine writing and thematic and emotional hole in the comic that to me shows that she WAS supposed to be there. fujimoto had fully intended to write her in there bc there's a hole in the shape of her where she is very obviously supposed to fit. it isn't simply a question of "author forgets his female character" it's a question of "this crucial part of the manga is missing and the author is painfully aware of it and bitter about it too"
#eli talks#csm#this is still not coherent i'll make a more coherent version at one point.#anyhow this still worked for me even during the denji megafocus#bc it felt like the boomerang was gonna return and asa was gonna be back in her place#and we were gonna see the counterbalance to denji's focus#her own rise to fame and emotions during this and growth with yoru#her absorption into the church and its horrors; the love bombing and adulation she finally got#the emotions about chainsaw man as a character and growing more reliant on yoru#the bitter and dramatic fall and its immediate aftermath; reacting to losing her arm#instead we get a character who until now had been an intensely emotion-driven and passive character IMMEDIATELY thrust into action#and given v little insight into her thoughts and interiority#something is missing!#it's not like fujimoto had nothing planned for her. she was written so intently and well#and suddenly it's like she dropped out of existence#and suddenly the paneling got worse and the art got worse and the hiatuses worse#and we get an interview from fjmt where he talks bitterly about commercial expectations interfering with artistic intentions#and how he wishes he didn't have to draw aymore#a guy who talked about how he was obsessed with drawing!#idk maybe it's idealization but i feel like it's not hard to put two and two together here
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from exu prime to aimee’s appearance now, she really is just beaming as such a force. aimee speaking about her having gained confidence playing since her beginning and it’s just. so good… everytime this joke* character named deni$e turns completely serious, asks such intuitive questions, even just affirming once more to abaddina that she is going to honor their deal. chills. seeing her confidently take charge of situations is just. so fucking great.
#critical role#cr lb#that aimee powered thru all the exu prime hate people idiotically spewed at her like i just love her#deni$e gets serious and i get 😳#exu kymal opal not giving a fuck was also 😳#honestly her power in the way she delivered opal in exu prime still was so amazing honestly the second i was like opal?LOVE all of her#arguably it’s probably just deni$e being at a further point in her life so the performance is different but aimee’s power man#lays on the ground maybe i just also miss opal so much she was like so so so so so good too
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i know i said i was happy about how mel's story went, but the more i think about it the less i'm sure about that. this is very much connected to how the themes of classism and wealth disappeared in s2, but mel in the beginning was the epitome of piltover. she wanted to advance piltover to prove herself to her mother. to "put piltover—" and by extension herself, "—on the map."
she wanted wealth just to have it. and i'm not blaming her for anything that happened, especially with hextech! she, just like jayce and viktor, could not have known what it would lead to. i mean yeah heimerdinger said so but who the hell listens to heimerdinger? but anyway i think mel changed throughout s1, much in thanks to jayce. by the end she's become more cognisant of the mistreatment of zaunites. she's the first to vote for their peace. she was a good person all along but now she knows how to act on it. it's also seen more in s2 act 1. when she covers her painting with gold, it's symbolic—she won't act according to what her mother might think. she won't let her desire for approval dictate her anymore.
so somehow i wish those themes were. continued, somehow? like again they were dropped not just with mel but the whole show and it makes her story a off to me. there's no meaningful commentary on war or classism or how her ideology stands opposite to her mother's. like some people have said, it feels like she doesn't have much agency, even if she is really cool. and that to me is a shame because agency felt like her thing. "to shape your own destiny" as she says to jayce in s1. i know her collaborating with the black rose (but not fully joining them) and learning magic is supposed to represent becoming independent from her mother, taking her own path, but some other aspects of her character were thrown away... the more i think about it the more i'm thinking they kind of #girlboss-ed her a little bit. maybe to sell another champion. i can't help but feel like even though i enjoyed seeing her on screen, the payoff didn't feel proportionally satisfying compared to her setup in s1.
#mel medarda#her characteristics; the whole point of her dichotomy with her mom;#is that she does not use violence. she fights and controls with words.#with her intelligence. with her knowledge of people and their minds.#so now thinking about it i'm a little :/ that not only#did we not get to see a lot of that in s2#but she just. became another fighter?#i also know there was that whole thing about how mages aren't accepted in noxus but#honestly? kind of stupid. magic violence is still violence.#and i know arcane retcons a lot of things but.#the lore noxus. was not like that iirc. and it feels like a strange thing to just make up.#done in service just to make mel a Cool Badass Mage™ while still saying#hey guys! she's still different from her mom don't worry!#also. hey. hey. why is she going back to noxus. can someone to explain that to me#like ok i know it's her only connection left. i kinda understand.#but at the same time...? what. is she gonna do there#i know sevimel is a crackship but i kinda wished she stayed in piltover to help#better things for zaunites. and help sevika on the council#(god knows she needs it)#that might have been a fitting conclusion to her character. to me!#look i cant lie and say i hated watching mel be all badass like. she's awesome.#but character writing wise... kind of let down?#we didn't even get to know more about her past or where she's from.#and yes i know they're prolly going to explain it in the new show because they were noxusbaiting hard.#but man... i don't know...#sorry holy shit that's a lot of words.#if anyone has any opinions would love to hear them. still very conflicted on this whole thing.#it just feels like i'm missing something.#arcane
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Yuna Aoki, FS She • NHK Trophy 2023
#fskateedit#figure skating#nhk 2023#yuna aoki#i keep coming back to this performance and crying my eyes out#it's like. yuna was kaori/marin cohort of juniors yk#something special about seeing a skater i loved as a junior but had entirely forgotten about make their grand prix debut ~6 seasons later#and go clean on home ice after going through injury and inconsistency and coaching changes. double standing ovations! like!#she's still got her specialties (the 3lz-3lo 2a-eu-3f bidirectional spinning the layback position)#but also a refinement and musicality and maturity that the rest of the field at NHK didn't have#but also that SHE didnt have last time i saw her skate! fuck!!#sorry guys the 'career trajectory' got me. man.#genuinely hope she does well at nats and gets sent to 4cc and has a resurgence a la sota yamamoto#i really have missed skating like this ;;;#also robbed deserved like 20 points higher etc etc but she was so happy in the k&c i can't even be mad
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i miss horses
#horseback riding is insanely expensive in big cities though#idk if ive talked about it here but i did do horseback riding for i think six? or seven years? something like that#i was super lucky i got to do that bc i was able to get my equipment 2nd hand and#and my mom had 2 jobs and she thinks every kid should have at least one sports hobby and#she knew how much being able to do riding would mean to me so she made it happen and#it did so good for me so i'm very thankful#*did so much good#man i was in such a good shape when i still did riding. by good shape i mean great ass.#anyways i was even pretty good at it. the coach always wabted me to compete but i was like#''hmm no ♡'' bc i didnt want to have to learn and remember what to do at which point#i do sometimes think about what if i started competing#probably not much bc idk if it works with someone elses horse but hey i could have gotten ribbons#anyways i miss it#i dont think i could even get on a horse anymore. i need to start stretching regularly#also im probably too heavy to ride a lot of horses#but i want to brush a horse so bad rn#pretty recently after i stopped riding someone asked me if i did ride bc they could see it on the way i carry myself#which was interesting but i get what they meant#sigh my posture was so much better too#also im kinda scare i wouldnt bounce back from falling like i did when i was younger#it's a miracle i never broke anything or worse#leevi talks
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I think the most baffling thing about the Tulpar as a vessel to me is the fact that the ship really did only have a one way communication system.
I know it was cheap but even the most basic of vessels regarding major transport would have some way, shape or form for outside communication. Not only that but there was absolutely no form of innate emergency signal to show they may have been offline or in trouble despite clearly having a system to dock credits if they went off course. It's another factor that really shows that bad situations are made to get worse by design. One person who is required to relay all information to the crew and make all the choices without feedback. No way to update or call for help in case of a dire situation. No way to inform of inner personal conflicts and acquire procedures accordingly.
It really is like they are all in some sort of fucked up solitary confinement. They have their own world with strict roles that are meaningless in the end, as long as the cargo makes it, it doesn't matter what happens on that ship to the company. They don't want to hear anything and will come to conclusions on what happened based on how much pay they can withhold from the workers. Even what they do send is short, sterile and corporate to the extent it was likely written and sent out with a command by some random unmanned computer in an office.
There's something to be said about how unfair it is to force absolute power and control onto one person when you as an entity could do so much more to offload it but I've said it many times before so I won't again.
#its just like idk i dont think Curly was a bad captain because we only have this scenerio and I certainly dont think a man like Swansea#would like him or have very little issues with him specifically if he was incompentent or too lienent in the past but I do think the stress#was making him worse and worse as being a present leader as it dawned on him how much he actually had to handle like I really think he#just wanted to do yknow normal captain pilot stuff and fly the ship and yknow the little stuff like make sure things run right and over tim#the constant stress and strain of having to make every major choice started to grate on him and freak him out cause they cant even fucking#eat unless he pulls out the scanner and starts cooking like he has to choose the meal likely or have a vote and i make that part of the#reason he seems so indecisive and inactive is the fact he has to make the choice all the time and he's hoping he can at least make the crew#feel a little more in control of themselves as people by staying out of affairs like the game or disputes because god he literally has to#choose for them all the time like thats a lot of responsibility monitering their sleep their breaks food consumption thats all on him like#it really should be another persons job entirely as thats almost like absoulte contrl over the lives of everyone else that PE forces onto#that title and its also crazy how everyone accepts it even if they dont like it like they broke the food machine open rather than get the#scanner they all waited two months before Jimmy appointed himself leader its so scary how conditioned they all are to the environemnt#cause that sort of mindset is sadly real where people just wait everyone just waited until it was getting real dire and then they still#followed Jimmy without too many complaints like i saw a fic or post where Anya acknowledges they all kinda just let Jimmy do what they want#because he became the captain and it was stupid on all their parts cause they could clearly see how bad he was and yet he was captain so#they just fell in line to their roles and thats a bigger point towards how PE treated them and the complacency capitalism brings to you#just like something that irks me because idk I know Curly is slow to act but he's not as like unopinionated as people make him out to be#like he does try to find solutions but they are still restricted at the end of the day by what PE provides them and I think his biggest c#crime is being in his own head too much and not giving Anya that emotional stability cause like idk man was he supposed to go to Home Depot#himself and install like padlocks? even if the let Anya sleep in medical after she pointed it out she was already pregnant at that point#like we arent seeing the inherent issue that no one not even Anya herself was thinking of the preventative measures because a)there was a#point nothing was happening that necessitated them b) it would've been the responsibility of PE to address them pre and post incident and c#there is only one person on the entire ship given the authority to do anything. You can not make multiple important choices in one instance#in such little time and Curly should not have had that total power like i think the most interesting thing in takes that really blame Curly#is that level of control they give him over the company. Like again i think about the three days we miss between the eval/party and the#convo/crash like i think people switch them around as if those scenes happen in succession when they are broken up and its heavily implied#Curly and Jimmy just havent been talking vs the depiction that she told him and for like three days Curly was just chummy despite the fact#Jimmy and him just had a blow out fight like the next time we assume they talk is during the crash sequence cause he honestly hangs#around Anya more which i think is really important because she trust Curly to defend her himself but not his judgement to give her somethin#to defend herself as she knows he believes her but also knows she's not seeing the danger the same and its heartbreaking and more
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I was going to have rye maaaybe start to buy into solas' whole johnny silverhand deal a little bit more in the post-weisshaupt talk -- to Progress the Arc tm/set up the beginning softening in that relationship and heighten the effect when it eventually goes. quite another way entirely -- but the sheer spectacular cruelty in hindsight of 'at least you still have varric to talk to' is such that considering where I'm intending to end up with this narratively, the stoic 'not here to make friends you fucker gimme your intel' option is simply irresistible. gotta have that echo rattling around rye's head forever when he decides that you know what? I have had enough of being nice, actually. I do want to go ape shit. someone hold my coat for me please I have some work to do and I don't want to stain it. guess for now the ol' watcher training & instincts are still kicking in enough for them to treat solas like a tricky spirit you should treat with respect and good intentions, but also shouldn't be out there offering little fingers to unless you have a whole arm lying around to spare haha
#dragon age#dragon age: the veilguard#dragon age: the veilguard spoilers#dragon age spoilers#I LOVED weisshaupt as a mission tho. I've seen it through multiple times and still my heart was going so fucking fast haha#also bringing lucanis with you is SO funny and weirdly sweet even tho you miss the 'you call that nice and quiet??' part#(you get neve just swearing instead! a very good substitute hfdskjah sorry neve...)#it really feels like he and rook keep turning to each other as everything escalates exponentially with like...#helpless and numb but deeply companionable shrugs. we are both equally near-existentially baffled by this. but at least#we are near-existentially baffled by this *together*. thanks man. yeah I mean. she IS a cloud. i don't know what else to say here#all we can do is give it a shot right. yeah. yup. good talk dude check in with you in a minute we gotta kill some ghouls#and then the Arcs both lucanis and rye are on with davrin too especially when they're all making peace in the library...#*steeples fingers with narrative glee and excitement* yes yeeess it's all coming together#oc: Ellaryen Ingellvar#I love solas so much. but that comment is straight up so awful. he says it sooo... *smugly*. it's because he's frustrated#at his powerlessness and being denied access to rook's interior life and getting his hooks into them psychologically I realize#which is his best and only path back to agency at this point#but it's such an ugly instinct to drop something like that in there because it makes YOU feel better#that was not just a 'oh better remind rook they can always talk to their old pal varric for tactical reasons!' there was feeling in that#tho you know the reason I love solas is primarily the multiple other comments he has through that convo#that are laugh out loud hilarious to me. he's such a little SHIT!!! always and forever <3#listen man... in another life I'll come back for you and we'll be kinder to each other that time in the end huh
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i feel rly sad and conflicted abt one of my best friends on earth but idk who to ask for advice bc i usually would have consulted her in this situation lmao
#shes cool and i dont want to lose her and i know Logically i love her but atm i feel so strange towards her#and idk what to do abt it bc i know in the past ive like...over-communicated a lot and over the last few yrs ive been trying to not do that#bc thats an anxious impulse i think .so like . self control#AND IMPORTANTLY . i may actually be the problem here ?? ok again i love her i dont want to lose her etc but basically ive noticed a pattern#which is that whenever she gets a bf/a man (even fwb) in her life she basically stops talking to me and the limited interactions we do have#become abt him. and while i support her it is acc too much. like we barely talked while she was w her ex bf until he became abusive and#then we talked a lottt like all our convos understandably were abt him . and then when they broke up we kept hanging out so i didnt rly see#the pattern there but still she seemed to centre men a lot in her life like sbe was excited to not date and find herself and then#immediately afterwards started seeing this other guy with whom shes basically in a relationship now#hes nice and all but like . HES ALL SHE TALKS ABT . actually we barely talk atp but when we do its abt him#she sends me reels sometimes but its all abt being jealous abt him etc . and shes bi but she said she doesnt like the idea of dating women#bc theyre scary . and i thought she was kidding in the ohhh women r so beautiful that theyre intimidating way but no she was being entirely#fr . she explained jts bc she was bullied by a girl in the past but like...bro ur ex bf literally abused you like surely you see men are#capable of just as much harm? but obvs who she dates is her own choice . but anyway she has consistently made plans w me then cancelled the#like an hr before . or asked to call me and then proceeded to not do so . when i ask her to meet/call its the same she just doesnt respond#or she cancels ? and while i understand anxiety sucks it feels SO WEIRD STILL . maybe im the problem slightly too bc ik i have no right to#feel this way but it rubs me the wrong way that ik she has so much time to spend w him/calls him all the time despite meeting him just a fe#months ago whereas i just have to like ...be ok w not actually having talked to her for a long time#its gotten to the point where when she says do you wanna meet/call i automatically respond yes and then just assume it doesnt happen . like#there have been several times over the past few months i double booked plans over when we were supposed to call/meet bc i was sure she#wouldnt show up and ive been right each time#like she sends me texts that she misses me or im her best friend etc etc occasionally and then acts rly . contrary to that ?#ive talked to her abt the issue w cancelling on me twice btw. when i was still dating the situationship person she would get sooo mad at#them for not respecting my time and shed tell me i deserve better etc etc and then like . she doesnt seem to respect my time at all#anyway she said she understand and she admits to like...being flaky etc but does nothing abt it#and its not like i can tell her to stop caring so much abt men bc we sorta had convos like that b4 she got This involved w this guy#and apparently it did nothing and the last thing i want is to police her relationships or get in her way#its just AUSHD AUGH#anyway i rly miss her it just doesnt feel the same at all anymore
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so i got some really great feedback on the final draft of my star trek strange new worlds spec and i'm hoping i can ride that high through next week when i'm starting my second-last class in the tv writing program. mostly posting this so i have documented proof that i am in fact a good screenwriter so that when i inevitably start second guessing myself i have a post to beat myself over the head with.
#i've been doing some serious work wrt my self confidence but man it's rough!!!#i am getting better with it though#anyway#note to self#in other news i'm working on fic today as is custom on this most important of international holidays (deancas day)#i'd like to try and hit post on something but we'll see#cass says things#about the blogger#by great feedback in this context i mean ''positive and complimentary''#though earlier in the process i got great feedback as in ''helpful questions and suggestions''#but wrt my final draft the instructor just listed things she loved for several minutes and pointed out a couple of missed typos#while everyone else in the class still got structure/dialogue/etc notes#so i'm feeling pretty good about it honestly!!
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valloppy (yes im calling it that all their names is too much of a mouthful) and broppy all in the same episode... i might cryeiue
#yapping#tpia#learning to havigate relationships...#branch saying he learned friendship best from poppy#poppy acknowledging how ignoring the tension isnt the best way to go about things#her stupid beatboxing LOL#good episode ueueueu#shes so much more patient than i expected her to be lmao i fully thought she herself would explode at some point#or that val or holly would accidentally get out their frustrations on her#the values of communication....#and ultimately. w how much branch and poppy butt heads. it is yet another testament to how much they know each other that at#the end of the day they still very much care about one another even after they have arguments#BUT MAN THIS IS MAKING ME MISS WHEN THEY GOT OVERLY COMPETITIVE IN TBGO LOL
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i just don’t understand. why say ur ready to talk if you aren’t?
can u believe this post is what got me to reach tag limit
#vaugepostimg on main about an irl don’t mind me#i just. am feeling sad bcus i have been trying to keep my distance and respect the space they said they needed. and then they reached out to#me for their book club and said we should chat and i got excited! i miss my friend of course i got excited#still let them take the lead. i want them to be comfortable. they said they’d lmk what day they were free#and then proceeded to ghost me for like. almost two weeks??#(it was 10 days but !!! still!!! almost 2 weeks from them suggesting i come to book club which would’ve inherently necessitated an irl talk#and then after all that yesterday said they actually weren’t ready which. hurted#tbf i knew something was up after like 2 days of them not replying so it’s not like i was fully caught off guard it just really hurt#and like i feel weird bcus our social circles are really overlapped and i spent a lot of time with them last winter and i had thought#that would happen again this winter. we would swim together a lot and i consistently went to their house dinners#bcus if i care about you i show up! and i’m understanding ! bcus i am patient and kind person and as a triple taurus i’m not tryna rush ever#especially when it comes to people’s emotions ??? especially if someone has told me i hurt them???? like ik im an autistic lesbian but#despite popular conceptions on that particular identity. im not fucking evil ????? if you ask for space i will give you space !!!!!#and like when it comes to emotions and conflict i’m blunt but i’m caring and it takes a lot for me to be disinfranchised by people#or relationships. so i’m not saying i don’t want to still be her friend#i’m just. noticing behaviors#they did tell me that they were very avoidant in conflict and i told them i’m very much not and like. now that i’m on the receiving end of i#idk what to do!! i’m not gonna chase her down like they’re grown!! and again!!! if you ask for space i’m going to respect that!!!#and like honestly. i’m happy she at least gave me the curtesy of saying they weren’t ready to talk even if it took her mad long to do it#so like. who tf knows when we’ll talk. if ever. probably when she wants the validation of our friendship if it even happens at all#bcus again. she reached out not to reconnect and clear the air but to check if i still wanted to come to her club she was starting#ik in earlier conversations she was worried no one would come but ig she found people. which like good for her tbh but to be honest i feel#discarded?? i’m feeling like i’m failing to not project too much so i gotta stop but idk man i’m just feeling weird about it all#and then i had the thought today of like. is this what i want in a friendship? someone who goes back and forth abt whether or not i’m worth#which again. kinda wasn’t expecting that bcus we spent so much time together last autumn/winter/spring like. many times per week!!!#so the idea of not being her friend all of a sudden?? feels fucjing weird to think about#but like? i don’t want to feel this way this is what i hate about west coast/white people conflict resolution!! there fucking isn’t any!!!#and i can’t deal with that! i can’t spend my life with people who aren’t going to engage with me as a person who cares about them#humans are fallible creatures and were only here on earth for so long so why are we wasting time here? what is the point of all this ???????#but then the guilt and shame say i deserve it all and at that point i just need to stop so. i’m gonna stop now lol
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