#she's not evil! she's not hurting anyone who didn't deserve it! she's literally just trying to mind her own business

[blujayonthewing]

I'm really glad elyss came several years before melliwyk, because mel's alignment shift from chaotic neutral to chaotic good sometimes feels a little embarrassing in an 'I can't keep my own feelings to myself for the sake of committing to the bit' sort of way, but the counterpoint to that is that elyss, steadfastly true neutral, just simply Does Not Care about anyone other than her own loved ones or anything outside her own immediate interest no matter how much I sometimes wish she would

[balkanradfem]

It's difficult to me to put this into a coherent thought, but why are m*n so weird about women's naked pictures? The entire culture around pictures of women without clothes would not exist in a society without m*n. I literally can't imagine wanting to see a private picture of a woman that she doesn't want me to see. And if I accidentally glimpsed one I would not continue staring at it and I would try to see if it can get deleted because obviously that's private and shouldn't be out there, it's violating her privacy.

But they somehow built it into a whole thing where people having women's naked pictures is shameful,,, for the woman? They humiliate, HER, for violating her privacy? It's shameful that she, what, has a human body which is now recorded to be humiliated? How is any of that even related to her? All of us have human bodies, there's literally nothing we can do about it. I'm starting to question it because I can't imagine being so weird about a stranger woman's picture!

In a world that is normal to me, even if there were women's naked pictures, it wouldn't be anything relevant to anyone's interests, we already know what women look like and a woman who is a stranger obviously doesn't want anything to do with you so why would these pictures be interesting or anything to gawk at? Doesn't it just feel uncomfortable to know you're potentially looking at someone's body that they don't feel comfortable being seen? And even if they are comfortable, where is the appeal for looking at someone who didn't choose you to see that?

I know m*n just enjoy humiliating and violating women and you can get women to feel embarrassed and hurt by violating their privacy, but I can't grasp the concept of building an entire culture shaming women for being hurt and violated, it's like building a torture chamber that exploits someone's humanity.

In a society without m*n, women would be able to walk and swim around naked if they pleased, and nobody would stare, gawk, record or do anything to make them feel less than. They would still be regarded as a normal human being, going on about their business, enjoying life and the sun, absolutely deserving of respect and nobody would even want to put them in an uncomfortable situation where they feel hyper-aware of their bodies.

The mere premise of making women hyper-aware of what they look like is evil. Why does it matter? Why are m*n being weird about it? They could get hurt and embarrassed too if we suddenly started to violate their privacy just to humiliate every inch of their bodies! But we don't do that! Because there's nothing appealing about doing a disgusting shitty thing like that! Why do they find it appealing? Why do they push women to suicide over it? Why are they still allowed to be called a part of society after doing that? It doesn't make any sense.

[zvtara-was-never-canon]

I found it. The worst Katara take.

https://www.tumblr.com/illycanary/748146862907867136/kataras-entire-arc-was-about-her-becoming-someone?source=share

Her entire arc was about becoming someone who could lead the Fire Nation!? The nation that GENOCIDED her people!?

Please… please I need to hear your take on this. It hurts my soul. Give me peace.

Zutarians: It's so disgusting how Kataang completely reduces Katara to just "The Avatar's girl."

Also zutarians: Katara's entire arc, trauma and struggles are not actually about herself, but about her Totally Real romance with Zuko and how she'll be great for his nation.

And she used to hate said nation because it was an elusive concept to project her insecurities onto. It was totally not because said nation had in place a socio-political AND military system that was hostile to her, her loved ones, and her culture by design.

It wasn't Zuko and the Fire Nation that had to understand that everyone else in the world was as human as they were, oh no. It was actually Katara and the rest of the world that had to understand that the Fire Nation ain't as bad as they thought - even though they WERE doing all the horrible things they thought they were doing, and ruining their lives by taking away everything and everyone they loved.

#UnhingedZutariansShutTheFuckUpChallenge

Also, can the fandom as a whole stop it with the bullshit "Characters like Jet and Hama existed to teach Katara and Sokka not to be racist against the Fire Nation"?

They were NEVER okay with killing, or even mistreating, someone just because they happened to be born in the Fire Nation or were under their control. Everyone they hated had done something to earn said hate: killed someone they loved, attacked their tribe, chased them around the world, held people prisoner and forced them into slave labor, etc.

You might think it was wrong of Katara and Sokka to do something like try to convince Aang to leave Zuko to die in the North Pole (and the show was very clearly saying that was the case) but you cannot act like that was based on some unearned hostility to anyone vaguely associated with a nation they "didn't understand" and not on, like Sokka said, not giving the guy that was trying to kill them a chance to try again and maybe succeed - hell, Katara gave Zuko a chance in Ba Sing Se, and look what fucking happened. Her best friend died right in front of her because Zuko jsut had to go help Azula take control of the city, and then he sent an assassin after them.

No one is fully good or evil - but people CHOOSE to do bad things, even if they have sympathetic reasons, and a political system CAN be inherently cruel, unfair and EVIL. And the Fire Nation under Sozin, Azulon and Ozai's rule very much was. And since Zuko went out of his way to keep that political system in place, he was doing something evil, and thus the people that were being victimized by him had every right to hate his guts for it.

Once again, let's hear it from Zuko himself:

"Growing up, we were taught that the Fire Nation was the greatest civilization in history. And somehow, the war was our way of sharing our greatness with the rest of the world. What an amazing lie that was. The people of the world are terrified by the Fire Nation. They don't see our greatness. They hate us! And we deserve it! We've created an era of fear in the world. And if we don't want the world to destroy itself, we need to replace it with an era of peace and kindness."

The Fire Nation screwed up. Zuko screwed up. They need to get their shit together (and Zuko did), and the responsibility to do so is on THEM, not on the people that are quite literally fighting for their lives because the Fire Nation gave them no choice.

It's not Katara's job to make Zuko, and an entire country, see reason. And her arc was about HER journey, HER struggles, HER accomplishments, HER life, HER culture, and HER loved ones - just because Zuko would eventually be part of the last category, that doesn't mean that it secretly all about him the whole time.

And Zuko knows all this. That's why his arc, and his friendship with Katara, works. The show already gave you the perfect scenario to turn that friendship into a romance in fanfics and headcanons, you don't need to pretend the Fire Nation wasn't the obvious bad guy in the war THEY chose to start.

You can respect the beautiful arcs both Katara and Zuko went through, or you can make excuses for the Fire Nation's choice to commit genocide by saying "Well, EVERYONE had something to learn from it." You cannot possibly do both, because their arcs are all about showing this "both sides" thing is NOT TRUE.

[nova-alien-rants]

trying to finally heal my NPD and dealing with the damage it's caused is so fucking devastating

uhh if you demonize narcs please get off my blog before i launch you into the sun uhh this post is kinda long

it just... it hurts so bad dude. and i feel like my BPD makes it even worse because every time i'm confronted with the reality that i've fucked up those around me so badly, i can end up spiraling into thinking i'm the worst person ever, i deserve to die, i ruin everything, there's no hope for me, etc. it's so awful. i genuinely hate how much i've hurt those in my life.

examples:

i've gaslit my gf to the point where she still feels like SHE'S the problem, even though it's literally been me all along. she kept trying to help me and i villainized her the whole time. i'm disgusted with how i acted. my eyes have been opened and i no longer act the way i did, but the damage has been done and i can't help but cry because of how much i've hurt her these past several years.

my friend became used to me making backhanded jabs and even passive aggressive remarks because i always felt threatened by him. i stopped being mean to him like that, but because he was used to that dynamic with me, he kept up with his own vindictiveness and made me feel terrible that i trained him to do that in the first place. he doesn't do it with anyone else.

i've lost many friends and gotten into baseless arguments simply because i was acting like a giant asshole under the delusion that THEY were the assholes, not me. even though they literally did not do anything. my own ego was wounded and that wasn't their fault. i was such a fool for destroying those relationships.

i feel so fucking despondent so much of the time now, and i keep flip flopping between "there's hope for me and i can help reduce the stigma of NPD" and "i am the worst person ever, i'm a horrible monster who just hurts people, there's no getting better for me." my emotions are so intense. either they're everywhere, or they're nowhere. i also feel so much grief. i could have had amazing relationships with amazing people around me, and to an extent i do now! but so much of the lives of myself and others have been absolutely ravaged by my own self obsession and vindictiveness, and i can't help but wonder what things would be like if i weren't the way i am. honestly i'm so ashamed of myself for letting things get to this point.

whenever i would do research on NPD, i would wonder like... why do people not know they have this condition? how could they possibly not know when it fucks up their lives so bad? i knew about my BPD and OCPD before i even knew what those conditions were called, and those are also ego-syntonic personality disorders! so i was REALLY thrown a curveball when i was told i'm a narc. it felt like my world shattered and i simultaneously could see clearer, but also felt so much shame and sadness. and other things, but i don't even know what in specific. bad things. it seriously changed how i viewed myself and everyone and everything in this world around me.

i remember i would always tell myself i would never end up like my parents, both of whom are narcissists. they were and still are the worst abusers out of all the abusers i've ever had in my life. so when i found out i was a narc, too, i felt disgusted not only because it explained so much of my life, but also because it meant my worst fear had come true. i associate narcissism with my parents. i'd be lying if i were to say i didn't have my own internalized ableism about NPD due to them. at the same time though, i get distressed from sharing physical features with them too, so it's hard to really say. it just sucks all around.

i feel like some kind of evil monster crying crocodile tears upon finally having it click that they actually are, indeed, some kind of evil monster. i've hurt so many people so badly and i was totally blind to it. COMPLETELY. to the point i genuinely believed THEY were the ones hurting ME. sometimes i'm so consumed with shame i literally never want to show my face to anyone ever again. i want to run away and start a new life where no one knows who i am or what my past was like. but alas, such is not feasible, so i am stuck dealing with the consequences of my actions. and accept them i will, of course, because it's the grave i dug for myself, but fuck, man. this feels so awful. i feel so awful.

[fandomrulesall-blog]

klaus mikaelson loves you even though you're in a relationship with damon salvatore hcs (like you did with kol)

A/N hope this is ok

Klaus Mikaelson being in love with you despite you being in a relationship with Damon Salvatore

☆ Klaus is extremely possessive of the people he loves so having to deal with Damon Salvatore makes him absolutely murderous

☆ Everyone knows that Klaus is in love with you and to your horror even your boyfriend of 2 years wants you to seduce Klaus in some plot to kill him.

☆ Damon assures you that it wouldn't mean anything if you slept with him to lower his defences. You had always kind of known that Damon was fond of Elena but you'd always pushed those jealous to the side assuming he just cared about his brother's happiness.

☆ But a boyfriend that loves you would not ask you to do this especially seeing how uncomfortable you were with it. And you had never had the urge to cheat but that's exactly what he was asking you to do and he didn't care.

☆ Suddenly you found yourself wishing maybe you were with Klaus, you couldn't see him ever using you as bait. If his protectiveness of his siblings was anything to go by then he'd never let you be put in danger.

☆ To make things even worse all of your friends agreed with Damon, Bonnie and Caroline thought you were being selfish, that it was just one night it didn't have to mean anything. Didn't they understand you weren't that kind of girl and you didn't want to hurt Klaus, why would you? He had done nothing but make sure that you were safe even when he had quarrels with the salvatores.

☆ So he wanted Elena's blood to make hybrids. Yes she was your friend but she wasn't very smart she could literally just donate blood every week and Klaus would be happy. Were you the only one who didn't see him as this awful person?

☆This awful big bad wolf everyone spoke of would leave you beautiful sketches on the bar for you to find after getting off a long shift. How was that evil? He promised you that you deserved more than this town could ever give you and offered you the world.

☆ But you remained loyal because that's the kind of girl you are and they had the audacity to ask this of you??

☆After a particularly nasty argument with your boyfriend about his plan you storm out. Walking away from the boarding house, just trying to be anywhere but there.

☆Klaus sees you crying and immediately pulls his car over and makes his brother Kol move to the backseat.

☆"Whats wrong love?"

"I just need to get out of this town"

☆He can help you with that, and his eyes stare at you with such concern that you don't hesitate to climb in. Unlike any sane person being in the same car as to Originals isn't terrifying to you. You actually finally feel like you can breathe again free from the pressure that Damon was putting you under.

☆You can tell he wants to know what happened but he doesn't push unlike his nosy brother in the backseat. You decide to tell them the truth because you just don't have the energy to lie.

☆Kol looks at you solemnly before asking Klaus to stop the car and jumps out. You hope he won't kill anyone but maybe Damon's just gone too far this time.

☆Klaus doesn't speak for the whole ride to his mansion opting instead to give you a grim smile and holding your hand. You finally felt peace.

☆Maybe you would take him up on his offer, it wasn't like anyone would care.

☆"Is New Orleans still on the table?" You ask him quietly

☆ Despite his anger at Damon Salvatore he just smiles and kisses your hand before making a u-turn to pick up Kol.

☆New Orleans was his city and soon it will be yours.

[toon-tales]

When talking about the three Trolls movies, there's the 'villain collection'. But does Barb really count?

In Trolls, Chef WAS a villain who wanted the trolls eaten even after the bergens realized happiness is inside them as well. Why? Pure evil, just like that.

She didn't get her mistake, didn't try to fix it, nothing. You'll think she wanted the trolls to make her people happy, that would've justified her actions, but trying to FORCE the bergens into eating them just because she wants to? She wasn't trying to make them happy, she was FORCING them in HER way. And even after they found happiness, she was still after the trolls.

She just wanted to destroy them since the beginning.

Now, I get it, they were the reason she got banished, but still, that doesn't justify her actions. Because, while the trolls escaped from the Troll tree not thinking about what it would do to Chef (they were literally getting eaten, I get it), they ACTUALLY tried to help them in the end find their happiness.

The trolls fixed their 'mistake' as what Chef might call it, but in the end? They realized the bergens just needed happiness. But Chef? She just wanted the trolls dead for sheer evil. Not because she wanted the bergens happy.

Chef WAS the villain in Trolls.

Now Barb. Barb WASN'T the villain, she was a Queen who wanted her people happy. Every leader would want that.

And let's not forget that while Poppy got the role because she HAD grown and her father thought she deserved it, we don't know why Barb got the role

Think about it, what if she was forced? We don't know the events leading to her being the leader of the hard rock trolls. But if you look at it closely, her father doesn't seem like he can rule anymore, maybe that's why she had to step in? Maybe she HAD to be the leader?

I'm not gonna talk about this a lot, because after all, it's just a theory. Let's return to the already-known facts.

Queen. Big title, huge responsibility, and not everyone would take it the same. Poppy was all happy and cheerful about it, while Barb was stressed, anxious about earning the love of her people. Maybe Poppy had a better way of dealing with her feelings, and maybe Barb didn't, and that's not wrong.

Because Barb DID CARE about her people, and didn't want to force her opinions. You can see it in many scenes. She would enter a place and let everyone know they're there, she's not forgetting anyone. She's trying to please everyone, forgetting herself in the process.

She was doing this to please her people more than herself.

"Just let everyone be what they wanna be, including you"

You're prone to mistakes, everyone is. And while you think you're doing the right thing, you might be hurting someone.

Barb genuinely wanted her people happy, that's why she stayed silent while they were all singing 'Just sing'. Because they WERE happy. That's what she wanted, and even if she was doing it wrong, hurting someone else in the process, she realized her mistake, and she ACTUALLY tried to fix it

Barb WASN'T the villain in Twt. She was just a young, prone-to-mistakes Queen.

[pacificwaternymph]

35 with pearl? Any iteration of her and with anyone else

"You deserve better than this. You deserve better."

I took a break from these for a little while but now I'm back! Sorry this one's a bit shorter, I'm mostly trying to just get warmed back up after so long without writing them.

"It wasn't your fault, Sausage," was the first thing he heard when he opened his eyes. He was lying on the ground, surrounded by wheat, and staring up at a flawless blue sky. Tiny pinpricks of colorful magic danced around the air, like fireflies.

He sat up, and saw her.

Pearl stood across from Sausage in the golden field. The feathers of her equally golden wings rustled in a breeze which tousled her hair.

She looked as radiant and unshaken as ever. As though the events of the day hadn't affected her at all. Perhaps they hadn't. She was a goddess, after all. She was always a step removed from the affairs of mortals no matter what kind of personal stake she had in them.

"I should have stopped him sooner." The words left him before he even fully processed what they meant. "I should never have left Sanctuary to go to that stupid tea party."

"You were trying to protect our friends. It was a noble pursuit, even if you misunderstood his intentions." Pearl crossed over to him and held out a hand. "I'm sorry I couldn't warn you, my friend."

"It's not your fault." Sausage accepted the hand and let himself be pulled to his feet. "He cut off communication with you."

Pearl nodded, pinching the bridge of her nose. "I should've known he was going to be trouble sooner or later. Maybe I should have dealt with him when I had the chance."

"Or maybe he shouldn't have existed in the first place," Sausage mumbled.

"What do you mean?"

He glanced over at Pearl. "This is an issue that I created, Pearl. I alone am to blame for everything that happened. If past-life me didn't make that deal with the demon, none of this would have happened."

He sat back down in the wheat, and Pearl followed him, wrapping a wing around his shoulder.

"Your past life made a mistake," she said, pulling him in closer. He rested his head on her shoulder. "Everyone makes mistakes sometimes. But what is more important is that he also tried to fix it. He reconciled with the people he hurt and he did his best to deal with your doppelgänger. It wasn't perfect, but it never needed to be."

"Yeah, it wasn't perfect, and he left evil me alive so that I had to deal with him. So that my son had to deal with me." Guilt curled in his chest. He would be lucky if Hermes ever fully trusted him again. To have someone wear his face and use it to lure him into a trap... to be used as bait... the poor kid could hardly even look him in the eye.

"Hermes is scared of me," he admitted to Pearl. "He pretends like he isn't but... I can see it in his eyes. I'm taking him back to Stratos tomorrow morning, he'll feel safer with his other dad. And then... who knows when he'll feel comfortable enough to come back to Sanctuary."

Pearl was silent for a few moments, before sighing. "It's times like these where I wish I still had a foothold in the mortal world," she said almost scornfully. "I'm sorry, Sausage. You deserve better than this."

His shoulders hunched. "Do I?"

"You deserve better," she emphasized. "Hermes will understand. He might be scared, but he knows, deep down, that it wasn't you. You'll get through this together, I promise."

When Sausage didn't say anything else, she continued. "You can't be blamed for the things you did in a past life, you were a different person back then. And some of the things you did were... questionable, I guess, but hey it's not like you were the only one!"

Sausage snorted.

"No, really! I considered Xornoth a friend at one point! I called them cute to their face!" Sausage looked up, eyes wide. Pearl was grinning like a maniac. "I was so desperate for a sparring partner who could keep up with me I turned to the literal demon trying to destroy the world!" She laughed. "And the best part is that I still miss it! I've not had a fight that good since then, not even when you came up here for a bit as an angel!"

Now Sausage was laughing too, hard enough that his stomach was hurting. He clutched it with both arms, tears leaking from his eyes.

The endless wheat field started to fade around the edges, and he knew he was waking up. He looked over at his friend, seeing her still smiling.

"Thank you, Pearl," he said, gratefully. Pearl nodded.

"Yeah, of course. Anytime, my friend."

Sausage looked out over the dissipating landscape, took a deep breath, and opened his eyes.

[twst-hanaya]

TWST Book 7 Chapter 5 Thoughts:

Spoilers under the cut, also I'm basically typing this out as I play so it's like a liveblog sort of.

Malenora is That Bitch

Sorry, ahem. Malenora is a QUEEN (technically a Princess but my point stands)

Absolutely loving her design aaaaahhhh! The horns! The headpiece! The DRIP!

Sorry, I'll try to stop simping.

You can see such an intense resemblance between Malenora and Malleus obviously in appearance but also personality.

They both breathe confidence and self assurance because they're so powerful, both are fairly temperamental, though Malenora seems to be more brash and lashes out with tantrums while Malleus - perhaps due to his father - tends to sulk more than he does explode with anger, though the lightning and bad weather happens with both of them.

Moving on, her relationship with Lilia is interesting. You definitely get the sense that he may have harbored romantic feelings for her when they were younger but at this point truly loves her as something even beyond that, and different.

I swear I nearly started crying in public when they were squabbling over Lilia taking the Egg and leaving Malenora to fight the Knight of Dawn and Lilia was like I can't love this baby for you, I've never loved anybody, I still need you, this baby needs you.

And Malenora fucking hits him with You love me. You love Levan - there simply isn't any way for you not to love our child when you love us so much.

Oh shit I'm crying just typing that.

Anyway

And you know it really hit me in that moment that Lilia's earlier comments about not liking weak things like children - it isn't true, not even then. To love something powerless and weak and fragile means risking your own heart. Just as easily as they could lose their life, you could break your own heart. Lilia has always been afraid.

And when he lost Malenora - someone who he loved, who was the strongest person he knew - died anyway, and left her Love in and Egg, he had to accept that being hurt wasn't something anyone could live without risking.

Moving on, the Knight of Dawn is still a mystery to me, but he doesn't actually seem evil. Apparently he's an orphan who owes a life debt to the previous King, and is in a relationship with the princess Reia. And of course he helped the entourage escape with the Egg - an act I think ultimately saved Silver's life and Lilia's own humanity, among the other obvious things.

Henrik also needs to fucking die what a goddamn bastard KILL HIM MALENORA (I know she doesn't make it but I think she should still get to kill this dude AT LEAST)

Silver losing his shit is kind of understandable after all this, I get it. It hurts me to see him blame himself for literally just being born though he did nothing wrong he was an ACTUAL BABY PLEASE THINK RATIONALLY. Literally if anyone else were out in that situation you know this doofus would be like yeah literally none of this was your fault of course you deserve to live and be happy. But shits not that easy I get it.

Also I actually laughed a little during that scene where Lilia finds baby Silver and he's like STOP CRYING BITCH YOU DONT HAVE THE RIGHT

Like dude I get you're mad at yourself and all but your still yelling at a literal baby please stop 😭

Oh bonus points, I ALSO cried when I found out Lilia's Unique Magic is literally called Farcry Cradle. Like. This man who insisted for literal centuries that he wasn't capable of warmth or love and that he didn't like weak things or children and his UM called FARCRY CRADLE.

全ては過ぎ去る日のようにどこへ向かうもの瞬きの間よ、遠くの揺りかごまで

Also Silver was BLONDE???

Also Malleus being like Aw Shit, What Do I Do With This Thing with baby Silver was great. Love that.

Also totally forgot to just say I'm a bit shook that Silver was actually frozen in time for 100+ years and not a descendent. Was genuinely not expecting that.

Also got me FUCKED UP with the acorn bracelet being a gift from child!Silver like how much more emotional damage am I going to have to endure exactly

NOOO BABY OF COURSE LILIA LOVES YOU

Sidenote child Sebek and Silver are adorable

Cackling at child Sebek having Zero Chill.

He'll yeah, Sebek Unique Magic! "Living Bolt" is very appropriate for him! Pimp slap that boy (Silver) awake!

Silver: Malleus and Lilia probably hate me.

Me, out loud: shut the fuck up. Stop letting your lizard brain control you!

Sebek: *proceeds to immediately deck him*

Good job Sebek!

Sebek is so baby honestly.

Sebek is so right, what a king. I really love how Sebek shows Silver that he's loved. Look at how strong you are - who gave you that strength (love?)

Also I'm always a sucker for that trope when a character who doesn't have any self confidence ends up accusing the people who love them of lying, and really their own self-denegration ends up hurting the very people they care about. How hurtful and insulting it is to have your own moral character and your heartfelt affection for a person be tossed aside in favor of propping up someone's self hatred.

When Silver was like they cant love me and Sebek really said don't you fucking disrespect me or Lilia-Sama like that again. Yeah.

Thankfully Silver regains some clarity and they move along shounen-style, very good.

Oh man the battles for this chapter were actually kind of a pain.

Also tbh I don't know how to feel about them using a recolored version if Silver's 2D rig for the Knight of Dawn. It looks off, personally.

Also in a separate post I made, I said Malleus was like an uncle in their quartet but this whole Book has made it fairly clear that he's more of an older brother. With how long it takes for fae to mature, especially long-lived ones like Dragons, it's clear that Malleus is more like a 16 year old whose parents suddenly busted out a new kid.

I'm tired Goodnight

[the-king-andthe-lionheart]

arya really speaks to me as a character, and it drives me crazy how some will make arya out as this cold assassin when she’s incredibly sympathetic.

Hello @bridesofwolves

I completely agree. Arya is no more cold-hearted than anyone else in this series. Actually considering she's one of the more compassionate characters to the suffering and the vulnerable and innocent, she's better than the average character, morally, in my opinion. Admittedly, Arya has had to harden herself, but what can people expect? She had only two choices, to either curl up and die, or try to survive and persevere in a literal warzone as a forced child soldier and an enslaved POW. And she does this rather admirably because she isn't always thinking about herself (she hardly does), and she continuously tries to protect others and get justice for others.

The amount of judgement Arya receives in fandom is insane, because Arya has literally done no different than Ned. Ned got Northern Justice, Ned wants to get justice against criminals (I mean just look at the anger Jorah's escape from Northern Justice elicits in him), Ned fought in numerous battles and had to kill to survive, Ned has fits of impulsivity and violence (shoving and trying to choke out LF at only a perceived slight against Catelyn), and Ned made a list as a coping mechanism of the people he wished would die while in the black cells. Yet it's Ned who is lauded in the fandom as "good" and "honorable" while Arya is considered a "psychopath" and "cold-hearted" and "too far gone". Just because Arya was forced to do these things at a younger age does not make her any different from any of the male characters doing the exact same thing, Arya was never looking for violence, but I guess her want of learning to swordplay like all the boys are allowed to, and the trauma of almost dying at the Trident, losing Nymeria, and then learning she lost her friend, is continuously used against Arya to try to make her out to be more violent than average, even though if she was truly THAT violent, why didn't she attack Sansa or Jeyne in her first chapter when she felt they were all mocking her and making fun of her? Instead she ran away in tears.

And just because she decided to stay at the HOBAW, as a last resort in order for her to be sheltered, protected, and made stronger and more capable, does not mean she's cold-hearted. And we saw this displayed right in the story. Arya kept delaying the assassination of the insurance man because she saw no evidence that the man was bad. She didn't want to kill a man who could be good. So Arya delayed and hemmed and hawwed, and tried to come up with reasons for why he was "evil". It wasn't until she learned that he was stealing from widows and subjecting them and their children to starvation and probable death, did she finally act. It's obvious to anyone who has read Arya's chapters thoroughly that GRRM is telling us that Arya is not capable of indiscriminate killing, because Arya does have a conscience and a moral center. Just because Arya doesn't grieve the death of rapists, torturers, and killers (mind you, most of these people hurt her and her friends) doesn't mean she's "cold-hearted". She does feel guilty and ashamed that she's had to kill in order to survive, which is why she will occasionally think about the stableboy, the guard at Harrenhal, and the squire. And let's not mince words here, Arya was forced and groomed into this assassination. If she hadn't of done it, she would have been back on the streets. Funny how people in this fandom seem to forget that Arya is also being manipulated and groomed.

Either way, the double standards in the fandom are atrocious. Arya is condemned for doing the same things as most of the male characters, yet some of the male characters that have done far worse than Arya like Sandor and Stannis and Jaime are lauded as "heroes" and "redeemable" and deserving of long life, a love interest, and a heroic ending. But Arya, on the flipside is constantly condemned and people think she's not deserving of an important narrative arc, or happiness, or a long life, or having love and family in the future. They think she's unimportant and deserving of punishment and death, all because she's proactive and has fought for her life and the life of others and the continuation of getting justice against evil people. Yeah, she's so "cold-hearted" and "evil" for caring about her life, the lives of others and for trying to prevent more suffering. /s But this fandom hates proactive female characters. They would have much preferred for Arya to curl up in a passive ball to wait to be brutalized and killed rather than her doing something "the men do", which is wildly misogynistic because "masculinity" and "femininity" are all social constructs that are constantly changing to suit society, typically patriarchal society, in order to oppress. I would say these people need to evaluate why they hate Arya so much for doing the same thing as the male characters, but I fear most of the people hating on her and Dany already know why.

[jvstheworld]

The Buffy Re-watch: S2E11 (part 1)

Ted

So I'm putting a Trigger/Content Warning here, just in case. Watching this episode back has made me think about Ted in a way that I didn't know about when first viewing and now due to personal experiences and the more frequent discussions of manipulative and abusive relationships being talked about on the internet has made me see this episode in a new light.

The Captain and Tennille? That's a throw back.

Buffy catching her mum kissing another guy. Awkward. Parents dating is awkward, having gone through it when my own dad started dating again. I was genuinely happy that he was because it meant that he was doing better mentally to be able to open himself up to new people. But having some stranger appear in you life and say they are dating your parent is still weird.

The late John Ritter. I actually don't know his work too well. His shows didn't get much air time here in the UK when I was growing up, as far as I am aware. This is the only thing I know him from. From what I have heard he was a good guy and very much missed.

I get why Buffy is a bit standoffish. Her parents divorced and she is wary about someone new coming into their lives that could potentially leave like her dad did. She doesn't want herself and especially her mum to go through that hurt again. She is more supportive in season 5, but that's after some maturing and realising that her mum deserves to be happy and to be loved. Also more time, the divorce was still pretty recent at this point, by season 5 the divorce was not as fresh and both Joyce and Buffy had moved on from it. Though still not a great first impression.

Take your anger out on the vampires Buffy. Even Giles is feeling sorry for them when Buffy is pissed off.

Is it fair to say that Buffy has separation anxiety when it comes to her mum in this episode? That is also present when Dawn joins the show in season 5? There is a certain amount of jealously involved with people getting most of her mum's time and she isn't the centre of attention. It could be that, but there could be more.

Okay, if Ted wasn't evil, as he turns out to be, then he would be doing some good by trying to get along with Buffy's friends and including them in social outings. But since he is evil, it falls more on the sided of manipulation to keep Buffy from noticing something is off, so then he can get closer to Joyce without raising suspicion. With Buffy being the only one feeling something is off with him, and everyone else not seeing it and believing he is just a normal person, makes Buffy look bad and is less likely to be believed later on when he becomes violent. Right now, all Joyce, Willow and Xander see is a nice man trying to build a relationship with a group of people. This is common for people who are manipulative to do, present one side of themselves to the public and be nice and friendly and charming, when behind closed doors, they are the opposite. If anyone speaks out against them, they won't be so easily believed because everyone else just sees the persona that is presented. And it's hard to break through other people's perceptions of others, unless presented with irrefutable evidence. I speak from personal experience unfortunately.

Jenny needs some time and space away from Giles. He rightfully feels guilty for what happened to her and misses her.

Buffy ranting to Angel about Ted. She just misses her old family unit, and needs someone to listen to her about her concerns.

Never played mini golf, don't plan on it any time soon.

Ted prying into Buffy's school life does feel very invasive at this stage.

And there Buffy's concerns are founded to her and the viewer. Ted is abusive, at the moment it is just verbal, but later it does become physical, and it's a quick escalation. Not much time passes in the show between the scene at the mini golf place and what happens in Buffy's room. Only about 48 hours. But Joyce doesn't notice it because Ted has his persona down. Joyce literally laughs off what Buffy tells her and tells her she is lying, because Ted told a convincing and contradictory story. Also the drugged food is helping him get away with it.

Never seen Stepford Wives, probably should at some point but I do understand the reference that Buffy is making and it is apt.

Ted's nickname is 'The Machine' and he has a wedding planned for two months time. More red flags.

the Buffy notices that the photo on Ted's desk is the one from the fridge that we see at the beginning of the episode.

I'm going to leave it here. I didn't realise just how dark this episode feels when you are able to identify the tactics Ted is using to manipulate Joyce and isolate Buffy. Leaving the twist out of it for a second and it feels too real.

[h5eavenly]

omg i literally sent you an ask like two hours ago thinking "well this can't get any worse now we're gonna be so up from here on" AND IT SOMEHOW GOT WORSE?????? AGAIN I DONT EVEN KNOW WHERE TO START WOAH yeji having it out for y/n over something that happened years ago and that hyune obviously got over is just soooo.. like she has so many reasons to give y/n a piece of her mind for and she chooses /this/ hill to die on?? AND not addressing her directly???? babyyyy this ain't it!! i think this is also a way of evidencing how distanced yeji and hyune have grown more than the distaste that she has towards y/n, like she doesn't know about hyune and her's connection and where they stand as much as the others do bc yeosang drove her away from them all which is so sad :-( sometimes she frustrates me a bit but i have a lot of sympathy towards yeji especially in this situation bc i know how hurtful it is to feel ostracised from your close friendships due to a toxic relationship and trying to hold on to the things you knew about them while not realising that they've changed bc you haven't been there enough to witness those changes :-( idk if this was your intention when you wrote it but it's really accurate. i know there's a lot of bad blood between yeji and y/n, now more than ever with the yeosang situation 💀 but i really do wish they can have a heart to heart sometime bc both of them have been so wronged and hurt by evil men and idk if a friendship between them is possible tbh but i feel like they can find a support system in each other even if they aren't friends. i just want my girls to be happy and i know there's a long way to go but they both deserve healing smsm :-(

now WDYM MFS RAIDED HYUNE'S HOUSE OH MY GOD????? this is y/n's fuckass father FOR SURE his ass wants to play gangster so bad HE AIN'T SHIT!!!!!!! i'm so flabbergasted i swear i never saw this coming??? i never thought that bum would ever go to this length to try to impose control on his daughter like that man's crazyyyyy. at first i thought the raid was bc of yeosang but you know that man ain't got no friends and is a coward he could never pull up like this 😭 so that's why i think it's y/n's father who's behind this bc he wants to have his godfather moment for some reason 💀 yk how weird men go crazy once they realise they can't control the women they feel entitled to so i think y/n moving out made him feel some kind of way. i can't wait for that asshole's downfall i swear i'm praying on it im going to church over it im manifesting it 🙏🏻 unless hyune is onto something that we're not aware of??? which idk im not sure about that honestly but i didn't see like half the things that ended up happening coming either so you knowww im seated, hyune and hannie living with y/n will be so cute too!! we love to see domestic hyune+y/n content we used to pray for times like this 🥹 so we might be kinda up after all maybe

thank you sm for the update so soon!! you're working overtime for this and it's sooo appreciated you deserve the world fr 🫂🩷🩷

genuinely curious what made you think "its only up from here" cus... 🫡efuhhfihw fyi anon i take my angst tag VERY seriously 🧐 some may say i'm not trust worthy but i just like being unpredictable

about the whole yeji situation it is intentional yes! im so glad you noticed its kinda hard to write such subtle things in smau without it being in your face because it's one of those things that i want ppl to notice but sometimes im like ahh idk if anyone would notice, i think for her she obviously views y/n as a rival but because she's left out (hence jinnie growing more distance ever since yeo came into her life) she tries to attack y/n with the only available card she has which is "you did smth bad to my friend" bc she doesn't know anything else and she wasn't even there when it all happened she only got snippets from the story and from jinnie's side when he was still feeling resentful towards y/n and you see the difference in this specific subject between her and lix (bc lix was there) he gets their bond sm more and it's so much easier for him to not hold it against y/n

listen y/n's dad might be a little worse than her mom idk they're competing for that title rn, ty for being so kind baby as alwayys i enjoyed reading and im sorry for talking sm i just get excited about my characters🥰🥰💞💞

[wakanai]

i know oda is the blorbo of all time if im remembering correctly, but what's your top 5 bungo favs?

AAAAAA

omygosh!! An ask from you??

Sure!! Hmm.. tbh besides Oda, I haven't really thought about it that much. But I'll think hold on

******************** (pending) *******

5 bungo favs (besides Oda 🤭)

BEAST Atsushi

: ugh. something about how he is literally how Atsushi would be like if Atsushi was in the PM. There's just something that attracts me to him. Like most characters in BSD, he isn't evil and doesn't enjoy the things he does. He's deeply traumatized. He has a shy-kind personality but is placed in the PM where he's made to be a murderer. Interestingly, he isn't as obsessed with BEAST Dazai's approval as Akutagawa was with Canon Dazai (maybe bc Dazai liked Atsushi more? idk..) But BEAST Atsushi has sm going for him and I'm curious about his life after BEAST. I'd like to see more of it ❤️ (don't even get me started on the fanarts of BEAST Atsushi meeting lit. anyone in the Canon world).

2. Verlaine

: This bad boy can fit so much trauma inside him. What makes humans human? What makes him worthy of human dignity when he's just a bunch of codes? Honestly his thoughts and existential crisis is tragic. The fact that he wanted to raise chuuya in the countryside too 😭 and how he helped Chuuya save the world because deep down he knew one person who he thought deserved to live. How he hasn't moved on from said person. How he trains PM assasins to become weapons for the Port Mafia even though he's gone through the same thing. How he (both metaphorically and physically) isn't in the light because he's literally been rotting in a basement for 6 years. No friends. No family. Nothing outside that interests him. With no purpose other than teaching because Rimbaud used to teach too. No one in the mafia can reach him emotionally. He could be like BEAST Dazai tbh. I can see it. Except rimbaud is dead so Verlaine just decided to.. stay in a basement and rot. Someone bring him out of there please 😭😭

(also in another version of BSD I thought of in my head, I gave him a sort of backstory so that increased my personal attachment lol)

And speaking of the guy Verlaine misses...

3. Rimbaud

: This guy... has so much love to give. Idk much about his past but he was a government spy. As I've seen others mention, He may have had to abandon family members for his job. By the time he met Verlaine, he must have been so lonely that he decided to pour all his love into this one partner whom he intended to be with forever. So. Dang. Selfless. Got betrayed by Verlaine. Still went to hell and back for him. Also Verlaine disliked him while he was still alive so there must have been so many moments where he got hurt by Verlaine (like that one birthday gift 😭) but he still kept trying to be a good friend and doing everything to make Verlaine happy. Even when he got amnesia, Verlaine was the one thing he remembered. He didn't even expect Verlaine to apologize!!! Like?? Instead HE was the one who apologized for not understanding Verlaine. He held no grudges whatsoever. My gosh. That's true love right there. He gave Verlaine his all and expected nothing in return. Even when Verlaine betrayed him or didn't appreciate him or was mean to him, he cared sm. Even in his dying moments, his main concern was Verlaine. ouch.

Besides that, he's VERY cool. His ability slays (literally) and his long black hair is just 😫✨

Rimbaud should've picked me instead. I would've treated him much better than Verlaine did 🤭🙄 /j

4: Mori Ogai

OHHHH~ controversial character alert ‼️

Hehe alright. *cracks knuckles*

I initially didn't have much feelings for Mori. I thought he was a pedo and hated him as a villain (cause of how much of a threat he was and what he did to the characters) but I also didn't think about him a lot. And it was hard for me to grasp his character.

Thankfully though, the BSD fandom made me change my mind after a while 🤭

@the-boss-of-the-port-mafia made this amazing compilation of Mori analyses that made me appreciate him more.

also my tumblr bestie @plinko-mori helped me understand him <3

Long story short, tumblr made me realize 2 things:

a. Mori may not actually be a pedo

b. He's more emotional than he lets on

^^ This description was made by Asagiri himself 😶

anyways onto my rambling abt Mori 😭

I like him. I think he's badass. He's giving anti-hero vibes ✨ and he's also tragic in a way because he's doing what he thinks is best for Yokohama and the PM even if he has to be ruthless about it. At heart, he has good intentions. He hates war. He hates needless violence (he disliked the previous bloodthirsty boss; suggested that his death would leave to even more violence during the guild arc; has not once been shown to enjoy committing violence for kicks and giggles; etc). He manipulated Yosano because he thought it was the optimal solution and would result in them winning. He planned Oda's death because again, it was the optimal solution and would result in the mafia winning + less casualties. If there's a conflict, Mori is the guy who will pick the fastest, most convenient solution even if it means getting his hands dirty. He'll always pick the lesser evil with no hesitation.

While characters like Fitzgerald/Dazai/Junichiro would sacrifice the world to save their loved ones, Mori would sacrifice his feelings/loved ones to save the world (not that he's extremely attached to anyone. this guy is very lonely lol. His face when he told Koyou that she could leave the PM and he wouldn't be able to do anything about it shows just how much he's resigned to losing people.)

That being said, it does hurt him when he loses people.

This post by @hina-has-no-life explains very well his regret towards Dazai and Yosano 😭

In BEAST, he didn't have to play the role of the mafia boss hence, he showed his softer sides and treated Atsushi like a son, even admitting that he regrets not being able to help Dazai.

so..yeah. There's something interesting about a villain who forces himself to ignore his emotions for the sake of doing 'the greater good.'

Yes, Mori is manipulative, makes millions from exploiting people via the PM, has done many bad things, will continue to do bad things --but he does have a heart (even if he constantly ignores it lol).

It's also worth mentioning that apparently the management in Yokohama is so bad, the Port Mafia (a literal criminal org) is the one responsible for keeping the crime rate in check (considering bsd Yokohama gets bombed like every month tho, Ig that checks out 😭)

Anywy. Mori. yeah, he's shades of grey (the darker side). Like Dazai, he can act like a silly uncle sometimes. His backstory is so cool with lots of potential.

From military doctor (holy hell. military doctors in history are usually involved in a LOT of shady things) to an underground doctor (uhm. how and why?) to finally, the boss of the Port Mafia.

so interesting. and so much potential.

The quote, "I must be cruel to be kind" suits him quite well.

About the mafia though - I do wonder what he does being filthy rich 🤭 besides the constant ignoring of emotions, I'm sure he must have some greed or ambition in there. That makes him even more nuanced imo.

Ahhhh

and last but not the least:

Mr. Bungou himself

this man, I-

***if I had to insert every single analysis of this guy that I like, my PC would crash LOL***

I won't elaborate too much since Ikyk hehe 🤭

hmm..

I hated Dazai at first cause I felt he was overrated. While watching the anime, I was annoyed that Dazai seemed to be able to solve everything and that no one could defeat him and that he was presented as this 'untouchable figure' of sorts. I'm like, 'WHY DOES HE KEEP WINNING' as if he's omniscient or something like a deus ex machina 😭

overtime, I grew to like him tho (mostly because of Oda LOL 😂)

BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT

his character is interesting (especially in the LNs. I think he's more nuanced in there than in the anime).

I like how he's clearly hiding his heart from everyone around him. He doesn't open up to anyone. Doesn't reveal his plans unless he deems it necessary. manipulates team mates in certain situations (ex: what he did to aku and atsushi). continues to act like a jerk (messes kunikida's plans for fun; belittles akutagawa, etc.)

He's a manipulative jerk with little empathy for strangers but he's trying to fight for the good side. he's trying to save people. he's trying to be better. (and he is actually being better).

Reminds me a lot like Jouno tbh haha.

he's also a little menace with a dark but goofy side to him.

In the BSD rewrite fic I have in my little head, I like to imagine PM Dazai as somewhat like Mahito from jjk. (In the sense that he's an absolute nightmate, truly the "Demon prodigy" whose "blood is blacker than the mafia" but who also has a very childish feel to him).

Ik it's implied that Dazai did in fact commit atrocities like killing innocent people, killing mafia suboordinates who were subpar, torturing people, etc. but I'd like to see more of that. I'd like to see PM Dazai actually hurting someone the audience cares for and being evil instead of it just being told to us by the narrator/other characters.

Like yes, we got bits of his 'evilness' in SB, Dark Era and BEAST but Ig I just want more of that on focus 🤭

like, don't just tell me 'His blood is blacker than the mafia.'

Make me FEEL chills from reading him; make me think, 'oh this kid is really a devil spawn. I hate him' before moving onto dark era and making me surprised that 'dang. i never thought i could feel bad for this dude.'

idk it's prob just a preference I have. 😅

Same with the PM too. I wish we got to see them doing more of their exploitative work to better understand it when characters describe them as 'the demons of Yokohama' or something along those lines. Cause from season 1-3 (of the anime), they kind of...felt less threatening? Season 4-5 was quite a ride though.

ANYWAY MOVING BACK TO DAZAI

The face of BSD. Mr. Bungou 🤭🤭 I think he's a very cool and interesting character. I want him to cry lol.

I want him to LOSE IT in the main manga before the series ends and see what happens.

RN, he's bottling up a lot and is using different masks. It would be interesting to see him being himself more.

aand that's all hehe 🤭😄

Honourable mentions:

✨Adam ✨

"N" <- interesting because despite being who he is, he apparently genuinely cared for his younger brother, Murase. I just find those kinds of things interesting ig..

******

Also it is with great shame that I confess..

I haven't finished reading Stormbringer yet LOL 🤪🤡🤡

(but I did read some spoilers 😂😭)

so if there are any inaccuracies regarding that, please feel free to correct me <33

******* end ******

RANDOM:

Idk I just wanted to share this cause it's funny and (kind of) related.

But a bsd tiktok account I follow used to be named

Ngh~Chuuya~H-Harder~

(yes the fandom is insane 😂😭)

but recently, they changed it to

Ngh~Beast Atsushi~H-Harder~

and I found that funny for some reason lol.

****

anywy thank you for the ask!!! I hope you liked it hehe 🤭❤️❤️❤️❤️

[ben-talks-art]

Thoughts on Chainsawman II's first major arc

Since it seems part II just wrapped its first major arc I felt it would be fun to share what I thought about it!

(Spoilers)

My first impressions are overall positive.

I'm still enjoying Asa and Yoru as a duo protagonists and I like how Denji has become the new "Power" of the series. I also like the addition of Yoshida, who at first I didn't even realize was a returning character because he left basically zero impact on me but now adopted this new role of the "mom" among all these kids trying to keep them from destroying each other.

I think my only major problem is that the current series feels a little too safe right now. There is no big threat looming on the horizon, no giant evil gun devil or control devil to scare us or to be the focus of what we need to defeat. Chainsawman is, despite everything that happened, really chill at the moment.

The biggest thing we had was the event dealing with Yuko and the justice devil, but even that doesn't really put me at the edge of my sit in the same way past threats used to do.

Part 2 so far seems to focus more on the smaller more personal struggles and challenges and how these affect the characters. It's more about seeing how these kids will be affected by these problems than how they will solve these problems.

On that note, I think the themes this arc tried to tackle were really interesting with the character of Yuko!

Yuko reminds me a lot of Makima in that both feel like representations of what a dangerous fan looks like.

Makima was the entitled fan. She only believed her point of view was the correct one and wanted to change things so everything would be just like she wanted because according to her, only she knows what's best, all while acting under the pretense of doing it for her hero.

Meanwhile, Yuko was the misguided fan. She assumed she knew what the core essence of her great hero was about and tried to follow in his footsteps while ignoring basic things like morality and empathy, all because she wanted a little taste of the success he had while not caring about who could suffer in the process.

I feel like this is a brilliant commentary on fanbases overall. So many people on the internet who think they "understand" certain online celebrities better than others and try so hard to copy their formula while attempting to appear "strong" and "confident" even though deep down they hide so much fear and insecurity while also trying to hide behind these masks to attack others, and justifying themselves with the mentality of "I'm the hero! I'm the one in the right! Everyone else is wrong and needs to be taught a lesson by me!! I was a victim of bullying and deserve to have my justice!!"

It reminds me of when fanbases start going after people online because they hear someone sharing different or negative opinions about the media they like and use it to spread hate and fear. Sometimes fans are so focused on "protecting" and "respecting" their idol's image that they end up completely missing the point that a story might be trying to teach. (like, say, sending death threats to someone just because they made a silly joke on Twitter just a couple of weeks after Chainsawman told a story about a girl who was considering suicide and could barely consider going back to school because she was being hated and bullied by all of her classmates after she accidentally killed a headless chicken)

Yuko is just such a great representation of fanbases that try to use the thing they love and the pain they carry to justify attacking others.

Meanwhile, Asa, the biggest chainsawman hater, and the most miserable person in the series (aside from maybe Kobeni?), manages to capture the essence of being a hero better than Yuko, better than anyone honestly, even though she doesn't even like the guy. All because the thing she loves, that being her mother, taught her to not let the pain she carries become a weapon to hurt others but to use the love she carries to be a weapon to protect others (literally).

I love that by the way, I love how Asa and Yuko show that two people can still be great friends even if one hates the thing that the other one loves, while Asa and Yoru, who share a mutual dislike for Denji, are the ones constantly bickering.

It teaches people don't need to like the same things to like each other.

There is also some other stuff like possible connections with the four horsemen, the darkness devil, Pochita's past, and so on but... Eh... I'm not a lore guy, I'm more a "character, themes, and messages" guy.

Overall, I'm enjoying it. I like these characters, I like these themes and the possible messages we can take out of it, artwork is still great, everyone is very expressive and the action still looks sick as always. I just wish we would have an actual villain, some really cool and scary big bad to make us worry about the safety of our heroes... and it seems like we might be getting something? But it's still unclear right now.

We shall see.

Thought os part II's start>>

[waitfuckitsnotjustptsd]

fun things i am dealing with rn

- adjusting to my arm being in constant burning and/or stabbing pain and weaker than normal, having to not use it (feelings of low self-worth and guilt for not being productive enough, i wanna take care of my gf goddammit)

- my whole sex deal from the very beginning (scared to make noise, scared of being touched, scared of feeling pleasure, automatically shutting down all arousal whenever it surfaces re: mormon brainwashing, scared to ask for help with anything because what if someone uses that as an excuse to violate me, scared to speak up when something's wrong for fear of upsetting whoever's violating me. laying on my back is a trigger. traumatic amnesia's a bitch. the little i do remember is staring up at the bathroom lights wishing for my clothes while my own biomom made me bleed in sensitive private places with her cruel hands, and that's my earliest memory. that was my introduction to my body. guilt, shame, fear, disgust, body horror, avoidance)

- attachment issues (scared to let anyone get close because to me closeness means being violated, constant masking, last night i mentioned that i need to get my birth control this weekend and my gf gave me the mildly exasperated Look she usually gives me when i've forgotten something important and i thought she was mad and wanted to just disappear so i got out the creamed corn because she likes it and i'm. i'm not afraid of her, i'm afraid of causing anger or disappointment. i know she's not going to hurt me or give me the silent treatment or manipulate me or anything, it's just that my brain and body still haven't quite caught up with time or circumstances)

- my whole sex deal from more recent things (after a guy i liked tore out my heart and danced a jig on it with his stupid soccer cleats i went into a new stage of dissociation because he was my first real foray into sex and i caught feelings and everything went to shit in more ways than i can count. my ex was a form of self-harm and a numbing method, between all the sex i really didn't want but agreed to anyway and the copious amounts of liquor every night and the way i told him about my most fucked up self-hating trauma kinks because i felt like i deserved to be treated like i was subhuman on account of how that's the way i grew up and also the fact that i was knowingly exposing myself to HIV without protection, still in shock the tests came back negative on that last one and more than once i've woken up in a cold sweat to recheck those tests)

- feeling like i'm not allowed to have anything i want unless i pay through the nose for it and like i'm inherently fucking awful (i was raised as a slave, therapist, housemaid, nanny, and caretaker, taught over and over again that i was just there to make others' lives easier, told i was abusing the adults around me anytime i dared to act like a child or be inconvenient. literally was called "slave" in Spanish with a side of mocking laughter for years by the woman who birthed me. the message that i was less than nothing and meant only to satisfy the needs of other people got hammered into me more times than i will ever fully remember. my instincts to protect myself and take care of my needs got shot right through so i'm trying to resurrect them i guess. i was told that i was insensitive and selfish and had too much self-esteem for needing space from my siblings, for having my own personality, for ever saying "no," for feeling any emotions of my own, for expressing myself honestly, for wanting to play with friends of my own. the rest of the mindfuck came when she started acting like she cared to get me to open up and then used what she got out of me to hurt me and others. the whole "some people are born evil" philosophy she had going on that she took out on me. this was exacerbated severely by the whole jail/homelessness ordeal more recently)

- religious trauma (that's a longer list than i can even begin to understand still, but it's showing in my pagan practice the way i fear being a burden or an inconvenience to my gods. i've also been unraveling the new age and mormon philosophies lately and finding them mostly the same, which worries me. no i did not ask to be abused before i came into this life, i do not have to forgive anyone ever at all besides myself in order to heal, i deserve to be loved even if i don't know how to fully love myself, fuck)

[ohkate]

This is related mostly to what I see happen in fanfic.

People are entitled to their opinions, but I honestly don't get the hate for any of the kid-Gallaghers. Sometimes I get into a fic and suddenly Fiona is some evil bitch out of another fucking dimension trying to break Ian and Mickey up. I mean...if you're doing some AU fic or something and it's a plot point, okay, I'm fine with that. But Fiona literally raised them from the time she was 9, always had a job or 4, derailed her own life for a long time. She deserved the right to be a little selfish toward the end.

Debbie was a child who yearned for her father's love so much and was so destroyed by that rejection that she has serious neglect issues and, yeah, maybe that means you aren't going to like every move she makes. She could be a bit selfish and neglectful/has attachment issues with Franny at times. But she also would kill anyone who messed with her family. She was always ready to help. I hate the -I hate to say sexism but it's kind of right there- when comparing her extreme behavior to, say, Carl's. Whereas Carl is looked at as 'he's just a boy', funny and cute- torturing animals, starting a gang, being generally crazy for a good chunk of the show while even the theme music for some of those scenes were upbeat and fun- and Debbie is reviled for similar extremes just trying to figure stuff out without any real help.

Lip was Ian's best friend and was always accepting of him being gay. Was always ready to rally for him. Yeah, he didn't treat a lot of his girlfriends very well but he was a generally good guy who tried really hard to do right by all of his siblings and sometimes got little to no help.

But I especially hate it when this is done to further some idea that Ian and Mickey were angels who could do no wrong. I have things about them I don't like, too. Mickey was a pimp. A thief. He hurt Ian on more than one occasion. He had Nazi regalia on his walls that Svet made him take down. And yes, it wasn't really his thing as he was regularly living a huge lie just to fit in so this was no exception. He was both scared of Terry and yearned for his approval to the point he didn't try to improve his circumstances at all by leaving. And we can talk about the psychology of why he didn't- of course there are traumatic reasons- but it doesn't change it. He was a decent guy underneath and a wonderful, loving person in the end. But as much as we soften him for ourselves, he was not always a good guy.

Ian was ungrateful sometimes. Could be sanctimonious. He was a little self-absorbed. He sometimes seemed like moving on from Mickey was easy or that he wasn't as dedicated, although toward the end I think he got a lot better. There was no character on the show who wanted to do the right thing and be a good man more than Ian.

In the end all of these characters became exactly what they were scared to death of becoming. Fiona left her family. Lip wasted his opportunities. Ian didn't get to fulfill any of his original goals. Debbie became a little neglectful of Franny in a way she hated coming from her own parents. Carl became a semi-responsible cop. Mickey became a married gay guy living on the West Side with a guy who wants to plant tomatoes. And yet they were still better off, happier and made their lives exponentially better than where they started.

I mean do what you want. It's fandom so it's not like you can't hate a character if you want to. But why hate on Debbie-or any of the kids- when characters like Terry, Frank and Monica existed? They were just trying to make the best out of the rubble they were born into.

Sorry for this Tolkien-length post.

"I hate Debbie" okay and? Me and my tumblr followers disagree

[crazylil-lion]

Idk if its the bpd or just my childhood but I'll never see myself as anything less then an evil terrible person.

Even if I'm not. Even if I constantly try my hardest to be kind, respect and understand I will always feel like its not enough.

Because... if it was enough... someone would want me. Someone would be interested in me.

I can't look at myself in a mirror.

I'm disgusted by myself. A face I don't recognize. A lifeless demon staring back at me. A monster who feels better when I draw my blood. Maybe I deserve the pain and suffering for not being enough. For being a problem.

Maybe I deserve the abuse because I have bpd I must always be the problem.

Afterall some people believe people with bpd are inherently toxic.

Yet when I think about it. I was the one used. Gaslit into thinking everything was my fault.

Oh I say I'm going to the gym? Ex blows up at me about making her feel bad. Tells me I choose that over spending time with her when I literally need it because I sit at a fucking desk all day.

Oh, do I need some support because I'm falling apart after moving 1700 miles away from my siblings, who were the only thing that kept me alive, not phone sex? Oh, I'm not interested in her and I don't wanna marry her even tho we didn't even meet in person yet.

Oh someone who says they wanna date me wants phone sex but when I get mad they just disappear afterwards without any aftercare. Im the problem. Its because I have bpd. Im over reacting. Its my fault I feel this way.

I'm the monster for asking her to message me when she got home. I'm the monster for worrying when she disappears for hours after promising we would do something when she got home.

But I'm always the problem because I have bpd and have full-blown meltdowns.

Or I blow up after having my needs and boundaries ignored.

But I'm the problem.

I realize that because of therapy, all these things I've always blamed on myself. All the times, I thought it was just an overreaction because my extreme emotion was reasonable.

Yeah I wouldn't say I'm easy to be with. I pull away if I don't feel wanted. I'm an emotional roller coaster and I will be explaining how I feel even if it changes randomly or goes completely empty I'm open about it.

But if they invalidate me, call me crazy for feeling an emotion that just hit me like a fucking train out of no where I blow up.

But I internalize. Instead of I hate them they are terrible.

Its I fucking hate myself. Im the worst person ever.

I deserve to hurt. I deserve pain. I deserve blood and to die because im fucking useless.

That's how I feel when I split. 95% of the time I internalize. So when I share it people don't believe I can go from being okay and having an alright day to so fucking angry at myself for ever letting someone in all because their tone was off compared to normal.

Which is batshit insane. But I feel it regardless.

But if I explain. Hey I don't think it was intentional, but I felt like you were angry with me. I realize it may not be that way, but I feel that way extremely because thats all I feel.

I just need someone to reassure me. Not get mad at me for starting things.

Or saying I'm manipulating them because my emotion doesn't make sense. People don't realize even if its not a huge deal to them I could feel like you stabbed me in the heart over something small and assume you hate me.

I know I'm not an awful person logically. But I will always feel like a demon for any emotion I feel.

I will never feel enough for anyone because until I am enough for someone to be interested. how could I believe I'm anything but awful? No one has really wanted me just wanted me because I'm a people pleaser that struggles to say no.

I feel... the world would be better off without me. Because if I was worth something... someone would have wanted me instead of treating me based on how much I sacrifice for their needs.

My pain doesn't matter.

What holds me back from suicide is the fear of how it would hurt my siblings.

Afterall wouldn't that be selfish and absolutely awful of me? What kind of person would I be to leave them when they need me even if its just to use.

But if I'm dead I wouldn't feel guilty. And I would have silence and peace. 2 things I've neved had.

I don't feel safe inside this body and mind.

I don't feel human something much worse that should be put down.