#she's fine she's just unwell
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i woke up last night in the middle of the night with the terrible, terrible thought that one day, hulijing would pass, and then it would be like li lianhua is gone for good
#and then i couldn't stop thinking about it#and then i wrote 1200 words about fang duobing and di feisheng and hulijing traveling (and aging) together in a world without li lianhua#i'm not well#mysterious lotus casebook#i'm not well.#cw: pet death#my dog is sick i think that's why#she's fine she's just unwell#like me#update it’s now 1700 words#my ramblings
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How I Met My Soulmate
Available digitally
Available in print
#i am unhealthy about them#genuinely unwell#im sorry but#theyre both hot???#its rude#and hes so kind and considerate#i mean he complains a lot#but thats just fine#and shes so bold#im so proud of her#manga#manga recommendation#screencaps#romance#manga panel#shoujo#shojo#fyres hyperfixations#josei#uni setting#kodansha#how i met my soulmate#you are the one i am destined to fall in love#unmei no hito ni deau hanashi
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It is @cashweasel’s bday today!!!! I don’t rlly have words I just wanna let u know ily and appreciate u bestie and I hope your day is amazing as u <3 also yea I thought the blorbos absolutely needed to be animated smooching I hope u like it fhdkfjdkdjdjd
#I was gonna die idk why I thought that in like 2 days I should do this#I already be fighting yazan and I was like yk what’d be fun! fighting hi#m like 22 different times :D#worth tho look at them#I am in fact unwell#the way they look at each other will always be everything#triumphantt art#my art#this could be smoother but this was a GIFt so i had to finish it loll#tw I sat and analyzed how he looks at her lips nd how she moves closer fhdjdjdjdjd I’m fine#also the smile into the kiss#it’s all v intentional and important#k byeeeeee#ly bestie#kiyazan#oc: Kiara#yazan hadidi#certified blorbo in law#I want to add more frames to it some day#perhaps#for now they just 👩❤️💋👨
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I'm putting together my costume for tomorrow as the ghost of a mad lighthouse keeper, and I put it on to see which sweater works best, and I realized that without the ghost makeup I'm basically cosplaying a miniature Peter Lukas
#sword speaks#I have a whole backstory for my ghost too#they got mercury poisoning and it made them believe that their wife was sick. So sick she didn't even know it#and because mercury was in lots of medicines back in the day they decided to secretly dose her with straight mercury#it's her 'medicine' and of course they're taking it too but in much smaller doses as a preventative#when the wife eventually dies their final thread of reality snaps and they believe their wife is just asleep#even after her flesh begins to rot even after she is naught but bone they sleep beside her#and talks to her as if she's still alive#and when her skull eventually falls off they start to carry it around with them when they do the lighthouse chores#because it's good to have the company and their glad she can find the time now that she's on sick rest#they still feed her the mercury and there are periods that they can't stop laughing#but everything is fine cause they're working and with their wife how could anything be wrong?#and don't you look a bit unwell yourself? They have some medicine here that'll do wonders for you
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my dog might die tonight
my mom's depressed and emotionally exhausted, to the point she slurs her words and feels like a zombie most days
has said to my face she doesn't want to fix it
that soon her mom will die and me and my sister are grown so...
we don't need her
and my dog's old and sick
in pain
at the vet getting oxygen and medication
to see if he'll make it through the night
and thank god he's there, so he doesn't have to suffer
but he's not next to us
he might die alone away from us
i think there's some poetic bullshit there
he would die in pain by our side
but he has a chance to survive away from us
and if he doesn't make it till the next day he'll die alone, but without pain
i just want to take everyone's pain away
but I can't
i can't fix it
it's not up to me
i can't do shit
#i was already expecting it#my dog's old#and he hasn't been well for a while now#it's fine#just want him to go in peace#i'd like it if he was comfortable near the people he loves#but like as long as he isn't in pain i'm happy#it's everything else that's making me have a breakdown#i was already tired and mentally unwell before learning WHY my mom had been like this#when she finally fessed up about the depression/exhaustion it took away the weight of not knowing how or why she got like that#but it's not easy hearing your mom basically says she wants to die#don't worry my sister already scheduled an appointment with a psychologist for her#she also got tests done to see if she had signs of dementia and shit#and she's working where i am right now#and i can see how hard it is for her#but i can't do much to help her#and i can see how everyone else is kind of done with her#but she isn't incompetent...she's smart and a good worker#but her brain is fucking cooked and i dont think she should be working#by now i'm literally just venting#in the tags#and just ignore this#ignore me#this was just a long time coming#everything is fine#mine
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tim eyeing lucy teetering on her feet while he’s having a discussion with grey or other authorities outside of a particularly gruesome crime scene until he notices her eyes rolling back, diving in right at the knick of time to catch his unconscious girlfriend before she hits the ground to parallel the s1 finale PLEEEEAAASSE!!!!!!!!
#*and this is icarly!#the rookie#tim bradford#lucy chen#chenford#otp: you know me so well#i'm just imagining tim pulling up to the scene and immediately clocking that something's off w/ lucy when he gets out of the car#and of course he's concerned and asks her if she's okay or tells her straight up that she looks unwell#to which she reassures him that she's fine until he eventually caves to her pointing him in the direction of someone who wants to talk to h#but the whole tim he's standing in front of grey/angela/someone else he's paying no attention to them his eyes are solely focused on lucy#until he suddenly swoops in to catch her and slowly craddle her limp body to the ground#his thumb brushing her cheek as he desperately tries to gently shake her back to consciousness
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"ur repressed" okay well have u even considered that emotions r purposeless and only serve to cause harm to those around u and I have achieved a unique transcendent state beyond them. have u considered that
#joking but like. am I wrong though#yeah no one is able to overcome the inherent human flaw of emotion and anyone who thinks they can is in fact mentally unwell#except for me I'm built different I have actually managed to transcend emotion. this is a good thing and not a problem#I saw my father's anger and my mother's discontent and my brother's self loathing and my friend's yearning.#and I saw how it only made everyone more unhappy. and I decided I would be above them all and never let my emotions rule me.#I was scared of the dark until I realized that fear wasn't useful to feel. so I stopped feeling it#this is a good thing and I am a paragon of mental health I think#mmm alternatively I was made to play mediator in a family of traumatized ppl and learned to repress my emotions to the point of dysfunction#but I prefer to think I'm enlightened and have no problems. this is fine and will not blow up in my face#anyways. just now realizing that this might stem from my childhood. oops#also realizing that I'm probably not aro and I just learned to turn off romantic attraction bc I saw how miserable it made my friend??#well. I still don't experience romantic attraction. but probably I should and I will if I ever sort out this repression thing. whoopsie#really she was ready to kill herself over some white guy and I looked at that and was like. nope. I'm never stooping to that level#mm might not help that my parents never loved each other and I never had a healthy romantic relationship modeled for me as a child#but still like really like what is the point. of having emotions. they're just not useful#oh hurr durr I'm angry at my friends for talking over a tv show. there is no way to act on this without damaging ppl and relationships#ohh I'm in love with this guy who will never love me back. THERE IS NO PRODUCTIVE WAY TO ACT ON THIS#literally emotions can only be destructive and I'm a better person for opting out of them#there are no downsides to being repressed! I can still feel positive emotions. I'm happy sometimes. sometimes I'm excited. it's fine#guy who is Unpacking Things live on ur dash. sorry#narcissus's echoes#vent
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Hearing anyone else than Michael get called Commander of the Heavenly host makes me so viscerally angry I want to rip my own chest open.
Which means, as I've said before, my girl should behead Metatron, disembowel Aziraphale (for being an usurper), and knock out Gabriel's teeth (for being a previous usurper, not to mention disrespecting her).
Isn't Good Omens a fascinating show, huh?.. Somehow, it made a real life Satanist into Archangel Michael's greatest fan and most ardent defender.
#you can imagine my reaction to s2e6... yes i almost punched the screen i was genuinely unwell from rage#i'm on your side my war criminal darling i fix everything in my fic scenarios#pestilence right good omens wrong#in my fics michael is and has always been the supreme archangel and the commander and she is a nightmare everyone calls her the harpy#she's a machiavellian dictator but she also has this noble heart she's very complex alright i love her#if she isn't the supreme then she curses heaven and joins lucifer#btw yes i'm aware in the islamic myths michael is the second in command i don't care i'm not interested in that version nor do i like it#besides i doubt go creators were inspired by it they just wanted to make a nonsense of the myths in general#yes i'm being cynical you know i don't like go canon by now i'm a hater deal with it#also speaking of the islamic myths MY GIRL IS NOT THE ANGEL OF MERCY THEY DON'T SUIT HER ANYWAY#despite having these moments when she shows mercy and does ���unholy” things that she perceives as right#if you haven't caught on by now yes i'm a maladaptive daydreamer and autistic#good omens#good omens thoughts#good omens michael#let me be a hater#diary pages#tag essay#haterverse: good omens#anti aziraphale pro michael#gabriel will be fine his teeth will grow back and beel can have her chance of tending to him in the sickbed#huh now i feel a little better i needed to blow off steam i'm forever indignant on my girl's behalf#actually paragraph three in the text is deceptive i usually like archangel michael as a character and he/she's a mythological crush of mine#not that i don't understand why metaclown chose first gabriel then az they are stupid and easy to control unlike lucifer and michael
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i am a fucking idiot, that is the conclusion im coming to recently.
#vent/rant#WHOS UP FOR A STORY ABOUT HOW IM THINKING ABOUT MY EX AGAIN#its fucking tiring at this point#like 'oh im over her' and then a month passes i have a random memory of her and we're back to the bullshit#i fucking hate this i fucking hate myself for putting myself through this im stupid im a fucking idiot god fucking dammit.#aaaaaaaaaaaaa#it started from like a little memory of a thing#aaaaaaand then it escalated to me writing another longass message to them#this time i sent it#they didnt read it yet#i think she doesnt use messenger anymore#maybe for the better#i want to fucking die#stupid idiot ass fucker <- me#guess who went through our old dms again too#if it wasnt for the fact that im not a grass toucher id kms by now#its always getting worse between the therapy sessions scheduled.#it gets worse better again and tbh im fine again when i go to the session#and my therapist thinks im fine and i think im just gaslighting myself into thinking im unwell mentally#two weeks since the therapy session#*gets mentally unwell*#AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA#its not a good day my friends. it is not.
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terrible relative has reached a new level of awful that i just. cannot understand. i cannot understand how anyone can be this AWFUL
(tw animal cruelty, pet death, genuinely have never needed to use these tags before but fuck me)
tonight she decided to tell this "fun" story about how my (now deceased) grandad had once been asked to look after a coworker's pet bird, and somehow while he was looking after it, the bird got out of its cage, and he couldn't get it back in again so he just let it out of the window.
there was just this silence. i was like "on... on purpose?" thinking surely not. no one is that cruel. she's worded this poorly, it must have been an accident, the window was open and the bird escaped because they didn't have time to close it or something
but then she was like "of course on purpose! well he wasn't going to mess around trying to get it back in, what else was he supposed to do?"
i was like?? you cannot be serious. i actually felt sick. "what was he supposed to do?" well he sure as fuck wasn't supposed to DELIBERATELY RELEASE A HELPLESS DEFENCELESS ANIMAL OUTSIDE TO DIE A CRUEL AND UNNECESSARY DEATH, ON FUCKING PURPOSE, BECAUSE HE DIDNT WANT TO DEAL WITH THE MINOR INCONVENIENCE OF DEALING WITH HIS OWN FUCKUP OF LETTING IT OUT
i almost cried. it's actually one of the worst things i have ever heard. someone trusted him to look after their bird and he killed it. he just. deliberately killed it because he deemed its life unworthy of the minor inconvenience of trying to catch it. and she told us this like it was a fun silly anecdote and not a horrific recounting of neglect and animal abuse
and then she had the gall to laugh at me and say "it was just a bird, i grew up on a farm, we don't care about these things." WELL YOU SHOULD. YOU HEARTLESS WITCH.
#hey folks pls dont reblog this! just venting. thank you#i wish she wouldnt tell me any more abt him because every time she does i just hate him more#i actually have good memories of him. like he was always fine and nice to me growing up#but as i get older im learning that he was a total bastard and i hate it#and i hate HER for being so fucking senselessly awful#im actually starting to wonder if she's unwell because she's never ever behaved like this#at this point it feels actively malicious. like she's deliberately trying to provoke me by being as nasty as possible#i don't understand how someone can BE like this
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#arcane spoilers#RAGHHHH i cant. i cant even explain why its getting to me#like i KNEW isha was gonna die. they kept teasing it#like “oh noooo the kid's in trouble uh ohhh OHWAIT she's fine haha!”#“look how worried Jinx was about her thoughhh haha imagine if something actually HAD happened lol”#and i was like “haha yeah imagine. lol.”#HER AND JINX'S SEQUENCE. FUCK MAN.#jinx dying her hair and dancing with her and them jumping and laughing#i think it's cause of the like. MAIN characters. Jinx has always been my favorite#and the one whose story i was the most invested in#and so like. it wasn't JUST about Isha it was about this suicidal girl who thought she was only good for killing#finding a reason to live and learn to trust in life and herself again#and it was just. RIPPED away from her#alongside her FATHER no less OW#im so unwell dammit#but the sequence where. WHERE JINX WAS SMILING AND LAUGHING WITH ISHA#AND THEY WERE HAPPY.
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woe, autism be upon ye!!!
#mod ☀️ speaks#we finally getting off the string with this one boys!!!!#the worm is free!!!!#sig: wonder why i want to go to suns before moon. probably because i need help thats it#sig honey you want to shag them nasty style /j#anyways i like my iterators how i like my men. depressed and mentally unwell.#i should say this now bc its not obvious. wind uses mirror pronouns in this fic and we'll see that in 100 chapters when we get to suns#also SPOILER moon just got fucking ascended by saint and sig is like: she's fine she's sleeping :)#mate that woman just got sent to super hell#i wrote 4k words of this in one sitting after complaining about how stuck i was#ANYHOO ENJOY#forwards to anywhere and everywhere
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"im going to start eating at 5pm again, no later than 6, and you are too"
"im not hungry around 6, ill just eat later, you can eat then"
"im not making two dinners!"
"yeah, i dont expect you to, ill just make dinner for myself"
"thats two sets of dishes!!"
"its two sets of dishes anyway, and i always do my own dishes anyway"
"im going to drop dead one day and im telling the rest of the family that its your fault"
DERANGED BEHAVIOUR.
#charlie.txt#vent#shes complaining bc we didnt eat until 7pm today and shes feeling light headed except....... she literally didnt get back into the house#until 6:30?????????????#how the fuck is that my fault or problem???????#she wants to eat earlier so i say thats fine ill just make myself smth later#HOW IS THAT UNREASONABLE#ARE YOU MENTALLY UNWELL
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#I do this thing where I keep comparing myself and my life to other people my age who live like ‘normal lives’ where they live with just#their partner and work decent-ish paying jobs#and don’t live near family/have large family obligations#like I make slightly more than minimum wage#my health stuff had been getting worse#my fiancé is disabled/chronically ill and working her ass off so she doesn’t have excess energy#which leaves a lot of house work on me#which is fine and I don’t mind#and our household is me my fiancé my 23 yo sister and we’ve all lived together for like 3 years now and my sister makes a lot more money &#helps with house stuff#/maintenance#but my younger sister and her 9 month old moved in at the beginning of summer because her baby daddy is a scum bag#and she’s 20 and really mentally unwell#so a lot of baby care falls on me & my fiancé#along with trying to help my sister with her mental health#which is like not normal levels of unwell it’s like serious shit and she’s completely unmedicated and going through a real hard time and not#adjusting to motherhood well cause she was 19 and shouldn’t have had a baby#and like she knows that but what’s done is done#she can’t move back in with my parents because her relationship with them is too fucked#and like there’s also complicated stuff safety and bad ppl in her life so that’s a stress inducing factor#she’s unemployed and I’m not sure will ever be able to work and can’t drive#not her fault just the reality we live in#also we’re the ppl who live closest to my grandmother who’s health has been rapidly declining so a lot of that has fallen on my other sister#and me to manage#I also have to pet sit a lot because I need the money#and when I come home I have to spend all my time getting the house back in order#also I’m about to be losing a days worth of pay starting September cause the kids I nanny are doing two half days a week of prek#which means less money & with these grocery bills and two more mouths to feed is gonna fuck me in the ass#so like yeah I don’t have the time or energy for hobbies I spend all my damn free time trying to keep the house clean or taking care of#The baby & like it’s just the way it is but it’s not comprable to how all the ppl I knew in highschool r living rn
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i'm late as fuck but The Rise and Fall of a Midwest Princess has a fucking chokehold on me rn
#like she really said ''get it hot like papa john'' and i'm somehow fine with it. what witchcraft#i've had Redwine Supernova for a while now and i keep seeing/hearing other songs everywhere so i finally but the bullet and ouughghghh#i'm unwell actually#haven't finished it all just yet but i am. drowning in Rachel's Stage Persona thoughts. like. Like.#(coughing up 2012 flavored blood) have you ever heard of Electra Heart?#Electra Heart and also Pure Heroine songs feature a lot on my (out of control) rach playlist. and some of these songs r def in that vibe#it's The Image. the Everything's Perfect; Look At Me; Everything's Perfect. the I'm Everything You Want But I Don't Know Who I Am#oh Speaking of. Look At Me by Sabrina Carpenter. heard that recently. very Rachel flavored#very Rachel + timelooper Max mirroring flavored (yes watch me make it angst music i cannot be stopped)#okay. rachel brainrot moment of the day over. Sorry#nebular.txt
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#my mom is do stingy its like shes mentally fucking unwell whats her problem#she KNOWS i got bullied out of work and just sent an email saying im getting kicked off the familys car insurance august 5#and smothered it in this gross toxic positivity like 'your sisters had even less in their savings youll do fine :)'#THEY DIDNT HAVE TO COVER AUTO. YOURE FUCKING INSANE#she just takes on this dripping sickeningly sweet tone when shes not gonna be argue with but knows she's saying something hurtful#jesus christ i dont know what to do#the only job offers i got are at least 30 miles away and have the most measly pay... i dont know what im gonna do#and like a few years ago this could be reasonable but like. now my parents CAN be supportive#i do not understand why shes so eager to be financially unsupportive she's actually fucking unwell#its like this itching compulsion to be so stingy no matter whos hurt or what relationships are damaged
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