#she's been so lonely and scared
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Ah! My favorite scene is from the TMNT Chain Reaction fic that I wanted to talk about when I started this Ask-A-Thon. It's my favorite interlude because it's the first full-sensory experience my OC, a mutant turtle girl named Dinah, gets of the TMNT core cast.
She's been recovering from a medically induced quasi-cryogenic sleep. Her eyesight has been greatly reduced. She's not in full control of her limbs. She's been bed-bound while the restorative process slowly brings her back to health.
The TMNT family has been treating her with kid gloves. Not only is she medically fragile, but she's the first girl mutant they've ever encountered. Out of respect and reasonable worry, they've minimized physical contact, tried not to crowd her, and generally been very careful about their interactions with her.
While that's polite and good--because they are good boys, these 1990s TMNT movie-verse turtles--Dinah's lived experience has been with an exceptionally tactile pile of sisters back at her home laboratory. Dinah, with her vision reduced to extreme near-sightedness and her mobility reduced to near zero, has been getting more and more distressed by the LACK of contact in this new place with its new people.
EXCERPT OF (draft)SCENE::
The men moved so quickly! Her eyes refused to focus, but even if they had been cooperative, Dinah wasn't sure she could have kept up. Dark, blurred shapes were moving and talking at the doorway. ‘Mike’ had appeared on the mattress at her left. By the time she registered his presence, suddenly the first man was much closer.
They’d confirmed they were turtles when she last woke, so the colored bits on their round heads were probably hats. Now that they were at arm’s length, she could tell that the first was blue and the one on her left was orange. Good! She could use the hats to tell them apart when they weren't talking.
“I'm going to lean you forward a moment while my brother sets up the pillows behind you. Is that all right?" Leonardo stood near her hips. He had previously picked her up a few times in getting her to the bed but this would be the first time she was awake and conscious enough to ask about it.
Both men were much larger this close, and definitely the same kind of strange-smelling turtle as the one who held his hand to her cheek. She could not distinguish their individual scents, though. They mingled and merged with each other and the rest of the room, but the flavor and textures her nose reported added to their imposing auras. They waited above her and she squinted to make sense of how their hats worked. Where were these giant turtles’ eyes?
Michelangelo cleared his throat. Dinah’s silence had stretched and left Leonardo standing there awkwardly. Something had confused her. All they needed was approval to get her settled.
"It'll only be for a moment. You’ll be able to sit up on your own." Leonardo wasn't sure what had derailed her, but for a split-second she managed actual eye contact, and he could feel his cheeks heating. He ignored his body's reaction to the awkwardness--his only option with Michelangelo kneeling right there on the bed.
Dinah’s attention snapped back from wherever it had wandered. "Oh. Yes, sir."
Mike snorted. "That's no ‘sir,’ that's Leo.”
Caught off guard by the ‘sir,’ Leonardo was grateful for Mike's interjection. "Michelangelo’s right. No need for formality with my brothers or myself. Let me just lean you forward first."
Leonardo leaned down, folded back her blankets just a bit, and slid a hand under each of her arms. Her under arm skin slipped beneath his fingers like silk. There wasn't a spot on his entire body with scales so smooth — well, not anywhere a gentleman considers while helping a bedbound young lady. He cracked down on that train of thought immediately. He eased her upright. She struggled for a moment to keep her head at the right angle, but got it under control before he could change his grip.
He could feel the bones of her upper arms. If anything dampened inappropriate reactions, that did. Some human, possibly one he had known and trusted had raised her in captivity for years and fed her the bare minimum. He held her upright effortlessly, but his thoughts now focused on the coming information. Anything she could tell them would help free the other turtles and take out Perry and anyone assisting him.
Dinah marveled at the warmth radiating from his hands. Not overbearing and hot like human hands, but gentle and permeating like a nice lamp. He held her upright effortlessly, as if she were a stack of fluffy towels. Finally sitting up, her blood pounded in her head and she reeled in a swirl of strong arms and warm hands.
Michelangelo made short work of the pillows, mounding them up like a wall with a concave impression that would cradle her shell. Bonus, it offered support for her head if she needed to lean back. He was an expert at this arrangement; it was hands-down the best for binging movie marathons. "All set!”
Leo flashed his brother a tight, grateful smile over Dinah’s head. He was back in control and very ready to move into the planning portion of all this. "Thanks, Mike. Can you pull those?,” he pointed with his eyes. He indicated the waterproof layers beneath her and Mike caught on quickly. "I'll make sure she stays covered and move her backwards with you.”
Leonardo slid one hand further back to cradle her shell and let her lean back against his forearm while he pulled her blankets up as high as he could. Only inches from her, he addressed her once more. "OK, Dinah. You ready? On three. One. Two. Three."
He casually lifted her just an inch or so. He moved her easily with one arm around the bowl of her shell and the other pinning her blankets high on her left side as he dragged her backwards in concert with Michelangelo.
Dinah held her breath. He was enormous! Every time he moved closer, she reassessed her estimate of his size. She had never known a turtle with shoulders so broad. And he was definitely a turtle. His front plates brushed hers when he first lifted her. It grated on strange nerves like two teeth touching unexpectedly. She shivered at the sensation. Her head fell forward and bumped gently off his jaw and shoulder. His skin pressed against her cheek and she felt his firm muscles shifting beneath his scales.
His scent surrounded her. Undeniably turtle, but absolutely nothing like any of her sisters. His musk flooded her nose with a rounded, dark scent that clarified what she’d smelled in her blankets and in the room. This, though? It snapped into focus the way her eyes would not — she had simply never been close enough to perceive it properly.
Oh, he smelled so healthy and strong; the kind family must take good care of him! Dinah breathed him in because he smelled new and strange and pleasant on a level she couldn't describe, but mostly because his scent was the same general shape as her sisters’ even if its textures and colors were all unexpected and different. She ached in the back of her throat and down into her chest. It was so close. Almost like being home. Almost.
She was sniffing him. Dinah was—was more than sniffing. She was breathing obviously, mouth open right up against his neck! Leo felt heat surge across his face. His brothers warned him about innocent, sleepy sniffs! Not… this!
Leonardo settled her against the pillows as quickly as he could without jostling her. He gulped a deep breath out of nervousness as he pulled his arm away. This close to her, he got much more than he had bargained for.
At this range, he understood what he did not get by sniffing near the doorway. Her scent was subtle, but there was almost a taste to the air. The same way you could smell the coming snow. The same way he could pick out each individual brother in a pitch black melee. The same way he knew when a brother was actually sick or just faking. Something lit up in the back of his mind that screamed, ‘GIRL.’
Leonardo's blush kept right on marching. It rolled from cheeks to beak to forehead to neck. Dammit. He breathed out and retreated, worried he’d overstepped somehow, but he paused and frowned. There had actually been a subtle sour note to the end of the smell, like an unpleasant aftertaste. To her scent. Something was off. She wasn't healthy. No kidding, she wasn’t healthy. He could see she wasn't healthy. He knew she wasn't healthy. It was just beyond bizarre to have his nose confirm it.
Leonardo rallied, trying not to let his thoughts show on his face or carry into his voice. Stay on target. "Are you better now, Dinah? Can you tell my family what you were telling me? About the buyout date?"
2. I would love to say that, 'yes! I use advanced techniques like foreshadowing and symbolism all the time!' but honestly, I'm more focused on making sure everything that's supposed to happen happens and everyone's reactions make consistent sense.
3. My process? I daydream the SHIT out of it. Play through the scene--don't like it? Brain Etch-A-Sketch! Shake your head and try it again. I have a bunch of paper journals where I trial different ways a scene could go. Write in pen and never look back. Just play and replay and spin it around and write it again. Does it feel better this time? Cool.
Day 3
What’s your favorite scene you’ve written? Why is that one your favorite?
Do you use symbolism and/or foreshadowing often? Why or why not? If so, give an example if you’d like.
What is your process like when coming up with a story?
#tmnt#teenage mutant ninja turtles#leonardo#michelangelo#fanfic#tmnt fandom#tmnt fanfiction#ask a thon#ask-a-thon#tmnt chain reaction#tmnt oc#dinah#recovery#disability in fiction#my writing#hahaha#the more i read this the less I like it as it is#it needs so much work#but dinah finally gets to perceive a fellow turtle#she's been so lonely and scared#so giving her some nose and touch time is so so so important#gotta build the foundations of trust
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One of my absolute favorite “cliche” tropes is amnesia fics where reader has been dating character for years, but they forget and then they can only remember dating their ex. So it’s like they go back to the ex because it’s all they’ve ever known, and their current love has to cope with seeing the love of their life in the arms of another guy.
I could read that trope a million times over and never get bored or think it’s too repetitive.
#bonus points with him trying to help you remember but not wanting to like scare you or freak you out???#and even better for like Sanemi when there’s no phones or cameras to show text messages???#or photographs#and he REGRETS not writing you letters so badly then sigh#or like Bakugou not giving up but like caring about your welfare so much that he just kinda watches you with your ex?#cause he’s seen you in the hospital for weeks/months and knows how shit it’s been for you? how sad and lonely you’ve been#and he missed seeing you happy— even if this time it’s at the hands of another man#but he subtly leaves you gifts like your favourite flowers???#like maybe it sparks something inside you? because you tell everyone your favourite flowers are roses#but you find fresh tulips on your bedside table each morning after he visits? and it like grabs at something at the back of your mind???#or he brings you coffee and he’s somehow the only one that gets it right??? but it’s something you’d never order?#like you ask for oat milk but he brings it with coconut milk and it just tastes better? and you’re like I didn’t even know I liked this???#and your ex is just like ‘she likes oat milk’ like MATE NO WE DO NOT#I WILL EAT THIS UP WITH A SPOON AND WOLF IT DOWN YOU HAVE NO IDEA
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i may be obsessed.
#her name is tenka but everyone calls her brandy#(warden nickname she earned in her early days due her unbreakable record of being able to drink ANYONE under the table)#her mother was banished from orzammar when she fell pregnant with her (long story very sad and dramatic and lowkey personal)#and while she was pregnant she was cared for and eventually fell in love with a gentle blacksmith from a small ferelden village#who her mother married (taking his surname) and who raised tenka as his daughter#she was a young child during the fifth blight and their village survived unscathed w the exception of some food shortages and trade issues#nothing life shattering#but she had heard of the darkspawn from her mother's stories about their family's history and they were her boogeymen#her monsters under the bed#but her parents reminded her she's smaller than all the other children and that's her strength. she's brilliant at hide and seek.#the darkspawn didn't come during the apex of the fifth blight but after#some lone grey warden had been staying at the inn that weekend. said something about looking for someone#now when the darkspawn came tenka Hid. her father was outside. her mother had already gone to the market. it was still morning#they said they wouldn't get in the house. it got very loud and then very quiet. and they got in.#she burst from the cupboard and ran to her father's smithy but she was only a child and when a darkspawn axe raked her back she collapsed#into the rack of blades she had been reaching for. these were her monsters and she was bleeding so much and her parents were missing#and she was so scared so so so scared. between fight and flight it was always flight and she had nowhere left to fly to#another graze of the blade across her chest as she scampered back made her scream and that's when she saw rowena#her uncles and cousins from her mother's stories never felt like heroes due to what they did to her mother but when she saw rowena hack#down her monsters piercing through them valiantly like light through the crack in her dark bedroom door#with her mother and father right behind completely safe and sobbing and relieved and Alive#she had never looked up to someone more#see rowena got a lot of things wrong but brandy is exactly what she got right#only two villagers died. farmers. it had been but a small darkspawn raid. but she saved a girl. saved a family. saved a town.#rowena stayed in town while tenka recovered (most likely to ensure she didn't contract the blight) and tenka adored her every move#she knows nothing of rowena's struggles. knows nothing of rowena's missteps. nothing of the constant reminder of mortality in her head#just that she's her hero. just that she wants to be exactly like her.#she joined the wardens young with a kiss to her parents goodbye and never looked back even when it turned out to be harder#in ways she'd never imagined. but she was immovable. a force of will. she was dauntless and daring and it was her idolization of rowena#that inspired her and kept her going. where other wardens cracked no amount of hardship could break her. it was almost Smug
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are things going good for me, if i’m dreaming about moving out, but in a healthy way, not in a like ‘a runaway from home and get fucked up’ type of way? and i don’t feel trapped here anymore, i feel like, maybe, the future could be good? *vomit noise*
#i need like a bungalow or like a ground floor flat#or at least somewhere with lifts but also i don’t like lifts but 🤷🏻♀️#i also think i need someone to live with me#not even in a like ‘roomate so i don’t get lonely’ way#but like for my own safety for like so many reasons#but i also don’t wanna like move in with a gf and she feels more like a carer than a gf ya know?#but alas i shall have to figure that out#idk i’ve just been thinking about the future a lot lately#and it’s funny bc earlier this year i was having a total mental breakdown over the future and panicking thinking i was gonna die in my#teenage bedroom and just never have a life#and now it’s like… idk i feel a little more positive?#there’s still a LOT of things to figure out about the future but i’m interested to see what happens#and yeah i’m a little scared but i’m not mind numbingly terrified of even the concept#so… cool? 👍🏻#gwen rambles#gwenposting
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I wish strong feelings and emotions had a better way to feel like they translate to physical space. For me, personally, I get that shit cranked to 11 and if I can't get that shit out there and verbalized or shown it ends up making me cry. Fear about loss and change and thinking 30 years into the future? Cry. Have so much love in your body at once and can't let enough of it get shown to those who matter to you? Cry a whole lot. I used to put it towards art and especially personal poems or made up song lyrics or something but idk. I can't be staying up sobbing at 4 am due to random thoughts. Its always when I feel like I'm doing my best that this happens, idk if its just processing everything.
I know my emotional regulation skills aren't the best and I often go from a thousand yard stare to crying or a laughing fit or something. I don't want to be like this really, and often times this does happen when I think about loved ones a lot when I'm alone and I just end up wishing I was around someone I can feel loved by and love so much. Maybe I just want to be anywhere besides this 'home' where I know I'm actively seen as a nuisance and treated as a lesser person.
#This is one of those beating away awful thoughts about myself#They take a toll on me#But I do my best to not get self deprecating because I know its bad and CHRIST I'm just tired of it#I'm the happiest I've been in my (admittedly bad) memory! I have two amazing gfs#one of which is living around me now and I can hold and kiss and show I love her#Which helps so so so much#And amazing friends both online and in person#But its still so lonely at the end of the night. Or when I get back to my house. Its so lonely.#And especially with how bedridden I've been for months and months now...#All throughout the worst time of year for me#It didn't leave me without some damage I guess#I just wanna wake up next to my wife and know I'm loved for being me.#She's so good at that ;w;#I wanna be in her arms so much its inconvenient#I just get scared of being too dependant#She's the best person I've ever met and she loves the way I love her ;w;#I want us to be able to lean on each other and feel at home and feel loved and feel. Idk#I want to do all that without my brain remembering how I tend to get 'too attached' and remembering just#All the times I've been called annoying for wanting to spend time with my favorite people.#Runa diary#This is a vent post sorry mutuals and followers <333#Fixing my first tag: This is one of those beating away awful thoughts kinda nights'#If you're reading this ily and if you ever want someone to talk to I kinda desperately need friends to game and talk with ;^;
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whenever i mention that i am bisexual my mom's face just goes 😐🫥 for a second and then tries to act cool it's hilarious and also very disheartening she is pretty ok with other lgbt people and supports them but when it comes to me it's like she accepts me despite it or thinks im not serious and ignores me but i've learned to be content with that
#i think she is also scared for me because when i first came out she told me to don't tell anyone no matter what#because it could cause a lot of trouble in my academic/job life and we are definitely not in a financial situation to get over it#it's been over 3 years but even now 2-3 irl ppl know abt it#idk man#i grew up in a homophobic environment in a really small city i didn't even know what bisexuality was until like 13 14#and since my english wasn't good and didn't have internet access regularly due to living in rural area i wasn't aware of anything#after we move out to a big city i was mentally better but coming terms with myself was really fucking hard#so when she makes that face i kind of feel lonely#anyways i didn't mean to vent this much but yesterday this happened and i couldn't stop thinking about it#ilay.txt
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thinking about the years ive wasted putting medical/legal transition on hold in hopes my parents would come around to be there and support me for it just to not even be able to feel comfortable telling my dad im changing my name legally (soon!!!) and for my mum to say shes not gonna try to stop me but isnt actively supporting me. i waited for nothing and i dont think they'll ever change so i wish i didnt live with them but at the same time i dont have a job or a lot of friends so theyre kind of my only connections in life rn. something about your parents becoming weapons against you the moment you become something they werent hoping for.
#trans pride#trans#unsupportive family#its been two years#not even on a waiting list of any kind#couldve changed my name TWO YEARS AGO#scared theyll kick me out eventually tbh#more so of my dad it seems like my mum has just given up on trying to understand#meanwhile my dad is very not progressive#which is weird bc he was punk when he was younger?????#tell me how that works#anyways feeling sad cuz i got my period yesterday#trans man#trans things#trans thoughts#god someone help me#get me out of here#but at the same time dont let me live alone i am so lonely#and i still love my mum#i just wish she loved me enough to support me properly
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I wish those tropes of your soul mates name on your arm or first words were real. At least then I'd have confirmation that no one would ever love me the way I want. I wouldnt be so desperate to change my body to hate myself less and only making it worse every time i fail. Most of the time I accept it and I'm fine it's just that little worm of hope won't die. At least if that was real I'd have a blank wrist to remind me not to be stupid.
#ramblings from me#you can prob tell what ive been reading#im not gonna like kms about it#it just stings#the only person who ever even pretended to like me#just did it to have another way of manipulation and getting what she wanted#and when she didnt she outed me#when i was scared and she was the only person i trusted#it was years ago now but im still so angry#and it only hurt me more#i dont want to be like her#forcing how i feel onto someone else#knowing theyre either too nice or lonely or afraid to have a real choice#as soon as i said no she made sure i paid for it#and i couldnt even tell anyone what she did#i had no one i could go to.#I hate her for it
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#alright these tags are super embarrassing but i needed to rant publicly so uh. you can read this but please don't perceive me too much#it is so fucking exhausting having nobody to share my life with#i have literally zero friends at this point bc ever since my grandpa died i've pretty much stopped trying to keep in touch with my hometown#friends and i cut off my 'friend' group that were racist assholes who treated me like a doormat back in october and haven't really made any#close friends at college since. and i just fucking hate that this is the same way i've felt for so many fucking years like you'd think it#would be bearable at this point and i'd be used to being alone and for a while i honestly was but it just hit me tonight how fucking lonely#i am and how tomorrow i have to keep on just doing the shit i have to do in life without anyone to talk to and share it with#other than my mom who's been pissing me off lately so i've been pushing her away too!#it's so tiring to have to go out and do things and have responsibilities everyday and not being able to share that with anyone idk it makes#it feel almost like i'm carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders which is SO dramatic i know#like today i wanted to talk about the stupid false alarm gas leak thing with my sort of friends in this club i'm in but i didn't get to talk#to anyone at the meeting bc everyone was just talking amongst themselves in their little groups of best friends and it just reminded me that#i don't have that and i've never fucking had that i've only ever pretended i had that#it's like all these years i've been pretending to be a person that has friends and knows how to live life normally but i never have#more than anything i just miss my friends from home bc they're the closest i've ever felt to having friends that are like family but. i#don't know how to talk to them anymore. i didn't tell any of them when my grandpa died and i think they just assumed that i've moved on so#they've probably moved on and i already know that they have their own lives and friends at their schools that are a lot more full than mine#wanna know the worst part about all of this? i just had therapy and basically told her everything's fine#and i won't meet with her again until 3 weeks from now so literally the only person i can talk to about this right now is my mom#which i am absolutely not gonna do bc she's gonna get so scared and worried for me and i can't have that rn#anyways yeah. this isn't even that big of a deal like i haven't had friends for at least the past 6 months it's not like anything's changed#i just feel extra sad about it right now. i need a distraction stat gonna go watch watch some tv goodnight#shut up hanna
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#okay I'm talking in the tags of this post cause shit is happening in my life and I gotta talk about it somewhere#one part of it is my step brother crashing and burning before my very eyes and there's nothing I can do to stop his own destructive actions#so it's just me watching this poor kid ruin his relationships and blame everything and everyone around him as he does so#despite the fact that he's undeniably been treated horribly at times- he's just turned that anger back onto others and himself#and I have no idea what to feel as I watch him get arrested. have drug problems. because I'm just waiting for the inevitable spiral#it doesn't help that my mom has been comparing us and saying that I'm the much better child and she wishes he was like me#not understanding that I could’ve been him if I was just more angry at the world at that age instead of being so sad and scared#and that leads me to my fucking mom cause like- I love her. we've been through alot of bad shit with her#I've almost done some really bad shit for her and I know that she loves me more than anything else#but it feels like its been getting more and more suffocating cause I'm not sure she's able to start seeing me as an adult#and start loosening her grip around me and let me breathe. to have my own experiences without her by my side#to be able to go places and imagine a future without her constantly by my side#she talks and it's like she doesn't even think to wonder that perhaps I want to form my own experiences#and experience the world on my own terms because I feel like I've spent my whole life having so little damn control#religious family. shit and neglectful father who turned into the exact opposite and nearly killed me. family who refuses to listen and talk#having to move and run immediately. put survival above all else. go to school. get out. and god I just wanna breathe#she loves me so much and I love her too. but I feel like I'll be sooner crushed if I stick here for long enough#I'm just mad that my life has been nothing but absolutely no love. sudden waves of intense love. absolutely nothing. sudden spike#and I feel like I'm just finally starting to form good. healthy relationships on my own terms and actually make friends#because I had no idea what I was doing when I was a kid cause I was so fucking lonely and hurting#now I just. gotta figure out how to tell my mom that I can't carry this expectation that I'll continue to stay forever by her side#it just feels like I'm her child first and a person second. and it sucks. it really sucks.#ough. spins and spins and spins and spins-
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been playing dredge! i really love it
#dredge game#stayed up so long birds swooped in the middle of the day and stole all my fish#also recently something 'slithered aboard' and one of my fish got infected. sold it right away for a drastically reduced price#i dunno if that infection can progess or infect other fish in the hold or what but very cool#i've been making certain to catch every fish in an area before moving on (except the abberations)#cause i just get too fucked up by random attacks if i stay up too long hunting them#once both my engines were knocked out and i was travelling the speed of a snail on exclusively the power of haste#horrid#also i've noticed that when ur sanity gets low those weird rocks start to glow and when you touch them you get a vision of disaster.#very interesting#i gave the dog to the researcher cause she was closest and spoke about being lonely. but i dunno of there was another option#for who to give the dog too#also the SOUND DESIGN in this game is so good. so frequently i'll hear some Scary Sounding shit but see Nothing#i'm not scared of the ocean but goddamn#so cool#also i Love a collectors ecyclopedia With hints on where to find everything. scratched my checklist itch#also i read that note abt the plant. i feel like that implies the tentacle monster at the center of the circle islands area is#actually a plant. that would be so sick#also i know it's a lighthouse and that's what they do but i find it wild just how far you can see the lighthouse from
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i feel like i’m in the minority of the hotd fandom who doesn’t mind a lot of important plot points hinging on accidents/miscommunication, like luke’s death being an accident and alicent misunderstanding viserys’ last words. i love dramatic irony and i love greek and shakespearean tragedies. the characters are doomed from the start and the audience knows where the road is heading, but the characters misread the signs and walk straight towards their doom. like someone said on the true hellsite (twitter), everyone knows romeo and juliet, and they both die because of a misunderstanding.
alicent misunderstanding viserys is actually very much about their scene together in episode three, where he talks about how he always wanted to be a dreamer, and how he dreamed of a male heir wearing the conqueror’s crown. and we know what he means on his deathbed, but is it really so much of a reach that alicent hears what she hears? i don’t think it is. and it’s the deepest tragedy that this is what finally pushes her to one side of her internal conflict. alicent was finally starting to feel like herself again after rhaenyra’s speech and i think she did mean it when she said she’d make a good queen. i also think she doesn’t believe aegon will make a good king. but so much has happened between alicent and rhaenyra, and in the back of her mind she always fears for her children’s survival. so when viserys says what he says, her sense of duty tips the scales. and we know her decision will not save her children.
i mean it’s okay to like what you like and wishing alicent had been ambitious is fine but i’m just a sucker for tradedy
#house of the dragon#alicent hightower#i feel like people forget show!alicent has never been ambitious#not even a little bit#her lack of wanting is one of the biggest tragedies about her character - and it makes that scene with otto so good#anyway i think it would have been ooc for her show version to suddenly become power hungry#alicent is anxious#she's unsure#she's conflicted#she doesn't allow herself to want#she clings to duty and honour#she's hung up on her ex#she's cunty#she's lonely#she's angry#she's scared#she's merciful#she just needs a shred of understanding#but ambitious she is not#i'm so interested to see what will happen after blood and cheese#because i expect it'll make her regret fighting so hard to save rhaenyra and family#make her regret her love and turn away from rhaenyra completely#and on another note it's also interesting to examine how decisions lead to accidents and misunderstandings#aemond's decision to chase luke on vhagar#rhaenyra's decision to send luke to storm's end alone#the targaryens' decision to leave aegon's prophecy strictly between the ruling king and the heir
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#i have been getting increasingly lonelier and it's frustrating the shit out of me#i wanna be happy on my own but also. wouldn't it be cool if i had someone to be sweet on#also my fp hasnt been making any efforts to do anything with me lately and i'm scared it's make me fall out of love with her l o l#i feel like i abandoned her withm y current hobbies but tbf she didn't want me to include her in the things i like.#even tho she made me get into the things SHE likes just so she'd have someone else to talk to about them#i am bitter and sad and lonely and i just wanna kiss someone again lmoa
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i love radio my best friend radio forever i hold my dreams of radio in my heart forever forever forever i owe my life to radio
#that sounds stupid to say but i remember so vividly as a kid. it's gonna be really silly. but i was a 9 year old in 2012#and that's when all the world ending nonsense was going around. but see as a 9 year old that was quite anxiety inducing! and i remember#going to my mom all nervous about it either close to tears or crying. and to take my mind off it she put on the christmas station for me#and it was on the iheartradio app. so then afterwards i just got into the habit of playing radio every night to fall asleep#and through that i remember hearing a radio show and then i became very attached to it for years#and it made me want to be a radio host for years. radio has been there for me for all the scary anxiety incuding moments of my life.#and it has sat there so sweetly by my side to remind me it will be ok. and that's silly to say cuz everyone listens to the radio#but in that personal way that is how it is personally special to me. always there for when i feel scared or down.#it reminds me others are out there all the time. and life is not so lonely. you are connected through the waves sent out by a late night dj#static.soundz
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these past few days i have been uncharacteristically. emotionally open. w my friend and it has me thinking about how truly for all of my life i just did not expect anything from anyone
#like since i was a kid i just accepted in my head that all the ''friends'' id have were ppl who either were just putting up w me (probably#bc they had no one else and i was like. what was available) or ppl who cared ab me yeah but i was still their second or third choice#and i was just like. yeah ok. i can survive w that. like consciously i made the choice to hang out w people i knew didnt really like me#bc it was better than not having anyone to talk to#did it hurt any less when those ppl eventually stopped talking to me or i learned theyve been talking about how annoying i am to others?#no it didnt. bc i still cared about Them and had Them as my first choice. but i just thought. thats just how it is. im jist not really#likeable. so ill take what i can get#when i was like 7 or 8. i had one friend at school. and she had like some issues at home or smth idk but sometimes she would just start.#treating me badly or just ignoring me for months at a time. and its not like it deeply traumatized me or anything i honestly didmt remember#this fact until like last year but the thing is that i just. accepted it. i was just like yeah ok for half of the year or so my only friend#will act like she hates me and ill have no one to talk to. thats fine. ill just wait until next year when she likes me again. at age 7. and#now im just like what the fuck man why did i just accept that as my life. through all my childhood and then with other friends in my teen#years why did i never not once try to do better for myself. yknow?#when i was 11 and in another school my best friend suddenly started not talking to me. after a month or so of this i decided to invite her#to my house to play like we had done so several times before and she just looked at me like she was confused i was talking to her at all#and said ''why?''. and i was just like. ok. thats that i guess. genuinely why did i just accept these things#and like yeah i have friends that i feel Get me now and one i love just so much and i can tell loves me back but theyre online. i dont talk#to anyone irl. i dont know how. and im happy im so happy but im also scared that im just doomed to be extremely lonely forever irl#because i am legit just not likeable. not to be a weird a weirdo but yeah im just too different from ur average person my age i cant#connect with them in any way. and i also dont know how to talk to people or make friends or to find people that are like me. ill just#not have anyone forever#i guess#especially bc now i dont hate myself enough to hang out with people i dont like so like. i dont even have that as an option skdbskdjks#Every friend i ever made happened bc the other person reached out to me first and insisted on it. all the friendships that stuck were the#gay autistic/adhd weirdonerds who can relate to my hyperfixations and dont expect me to act Normal™. idk how to find the former group irl#and have never once iniciated a friendship. my fate is to be someone who has online friends only and exclusively#and dont even get me STARTED on the topic of having a girlfriend someday-#anyways. certified magnus archives moment
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brb going insane about sabradaz 👍
#ZXMJBQVXZQMJV#context: my priory reread just got to chapter 36#elli rambles#they are soooooo.#explodes#(tpotot spoilers in these tags ->)#that post that’s like. what if you were worshipped as a statue as a symbol as a scion but I loved you as a woman. held you as a person.#kissed you as an equal. or something#just. god. the way ead is the only one to see sabran as a Person above all. above whom she’s descended from above her title above her duty#everyone else sees her as the blood of her ancestor (good or bad) as their saviour or the proof of galian’s deceit as an obstacle as a tool#but eadaz tells her the truth when no one else does she doesn’t care for her title or her duty or her ancestry (not anymore at least)#she cares for Her#and. oh god the only people who cared for sabran like that have been taken from her. her parents. aubrecht. eadaz. oh god why am I only#realising this now my god#no wonder she acts the way she does she is literally so lonely and so so scared and oh I have to sit down for a moment#roc#roots of chaos
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