#she's a half elf half human bard

[mlahulia]

my dnd chara :3c she has a scar on her cheek from her adventures

[constelationprize]

You know what? The Foxes DnD Nights would be INSANE.

[pinkyjulien]

ALRIGHT TIME TO ROLEPLAY THOSE FUCKS

[doctorweebmd]

coming out of my baldurs gate 3 delirium (aka i am working a night shift and can't physically play it. at work.) to say that horikoshi. horikoshi when i GET YOU. you are NOT leaving izuku with no quirk and no arms. i am in your walls

[homunculus-argument]

I've never really had the proper opportunity to play, but I fucking love reading peoples' DnD stories online. Yeah the stories people end up sharing are just the highlight reels and the greatest hits in sessions that might not have been that fun all the way through, but I read them the same way that people who don't play sports watch sports on the TV.

Like this one I read years ago but still remember. There was a party where the only human was their Pretty Boy Idiot Bard (the funniest type of bard) with next to nothing in intelligence but wildly high charisma, making him vital as the murderhobo party's Public Relations in any kind of negotiations, but absolutely useless anywhere else. Nobody else but the DM and the bard's player enjoyed that stuff more than combat and dungeons so the DM peppered in a lot of opportunities for the band to literally get away with murder just because That One Is So Pretty.

And the party in question ends up entering a fairly standard-looking dungeon, in search for a specific item. The one telling the story was playing a tiefling rogue, and at this point she noticed that the bard's player and the DM had shot a few "I noticed that you noticed that I noticed it too" sort of trying-not-to-laugh glances, and suspected that something was up, but decided not to say anything, in-character or out.

They end up encountering a chasm on the dungeon floor, a seemingly endless ravine that none of them could jump or climb over, and stop to figure out how to cross it. Another player character - a half-elf - asks if any of them can see anything they could use as a tool, maybe something they could use to build a bridge. Before anyone starts doing perception checks, the bard speaks up.

"I don't know. I went blind, like, two hours ago."

And at this point the rest of the party realises that they don't have a torch, or anything that'd give them light. The bard is the only one in the party who doesn't have darkvision. He hasn't seen shit for the entire time they've been in the dungeon. And he's too damn stupid to figure out why.

[mechaknight-98]

Faewild FT Jiheon

Author's note: A collaboration between @slowlydifferentbluebird and I doing some experimentation. I was given Fairy Jiheon as my prompt.

The story of Archfey The Honey Queen is super weird. Allow me to explain. Jiheon (the human name of The Honey Queen) was originally part of an all-girl bard group called Fromis. As an aristocrat and noble woman she was highly sought out like each of her members. To keep them safe their guardian (A rogue’s guild named Pledis) learned of the many magic towers of the Archfey Tasha. Seeing an opportunity they locked each member in a magic tower outside of time and space while they waited for the perfect time to utilize them. There was one exception a half-elf fighter bard named Gyuri who escaped. Jiheon however being the studious student she was turned this into an opportunity. She studied the many magic teachings and magic of the Archfey Tasha and over time she began to learn and refine her magical skills. Due to the influence of using and learning fey magic her timid nature was replaced with one more of amusement and trickery that led to her becoming a powerful Archfey in her own right. Eventually, she abandoned the name Jiheon for The Honey Queen, as her magic became synonymous with the sweet scent it left. After that, she just kept learning and gaining power and knowledge. In between her intense studies, she would explore other realms in the hopes of finding something to entertain her. Usually, though these distractions lasted longer than a year and the already longed-lived Fey grew tired of such pursuits…until she got bored again

The Honey Queen the Archfey sat bored in her tower. it had been decades since she had seen anyone else in her little section of the Feywild so she decided to venture into the mortal realm.

Her infiltration point was a small rift that led into Waterdeep. She decided to go to the Yawning Portal which would provide some entertainment. She looked around the bar for the most audacious and vibrant individual. Eventually, she found it in a warrior who was covered in head-to-toe metal armor she didn't recognize. Jiheon approaches them with a dazzling eye smile that people have started wars to possess even if for a fleeting night.

“What’s your name?” Jiheon asks.

The person in armor looked up at the young fey girl and said, “Theo”

“Oh, that's nice well Theo. Would you like to play a game?” Jiheon asked her eye smile blazed with a curious intensity that let Theo know he could be playing with fire with her but their competitive spirit beat out their rational mind.

“That depends… what's the prize?” Theo replies.

“Your firstborn?” Jiheon asks,

“It's always the same with you fey. Always the firstborn with you fey. why is that?” Theo replies

“Maybe I think you're cute,” Jiheon replies.

Theo looks up at her confused, “huh?” they say

Jiheon fakes an innocent confused face “Huh?” she repeats. Theo stares at the fey confused.

Then they ask, “Okay what's the game?”

“Fairy Chess,” Jiheon says with a smile. “Only the best, and most interactive game in the multiverse.”

“No that game is Magic the Gathering by the Combotronics Wizard Sir Richard Garfield,” Theo asserted Jiheon rolled her eyes before smiling and laughing with her disarming eye smile

The armored man stares at her sighs then gets up and follows Jiheon who smiles.

"So how do you play fairy Chess?" Theo asks.

Jiheon smiles.

"It's simple it's like regular chess except there are four additional and it is customary to remove one piece of armor as this is usually played after a Fey wedding."

Theo's eyes narrowed.

"Excuse me?" he said Jiheon smiled and said

'Did I missspeak?" Theo looks at her confused and she says

"Excuse me" theo roll your eyes annoyed at being drawn into a weird proposal.

"Okay, enough talk let's play. Jiheon says as she snaps taking Theo and her to her tower.

Theo blinked as they found themselves standing in a lavish tower filled with ornate furniture and shelves lined with various knick-knacks from different realms. They turned to Jiheon, who was already setting up an elaborate chessboard with an extra four rows and some very unconventional pieces, including a tiny dragon and what looked like a dancing mushroom.

"So, about that armor…" Jiheon teased, her eye smile even more dazzling as she gestured to Theo’s heavy metal suit.

Theo sighed, clearly unamused but resigned. "Let’s get one thing straight—I’m not removing anything."

Jiheon pouted playfully. "Not even a gauntlet? How disappointing. You really know how to spoil the fun, don’t you?"

"Fun is subjective," Theo replied dryly, watching as she made the first move, sliding a fairy-shaped piece across the board.

Jiheon leaned in closer, her voice a playful whisper. "Well then, let's see how you handle a game where the rules might just change on a whim. After all, it wouldn’t be 'Fairy Chess' if it was too predictable."

Theo raised an eyebrow, clearly bracing for whatever chaotic nonsense Jiheon had in store. "Let’s just get this over with."

As the game began, Jiheon’s mischievous smile hinted that this would be anything but a straightforward match.

The first move was simple Jiheon opened with "The Ruy Lopez"

Unaware of how the game was being played Theo went to move one of the pieces they didn't recognize forward hoping Jiheon would explain if he couldn't move it that way or not.

They did a zig-zag to move the piece out of the back row. Jiheon smiled, at thier intuitive knowledge of the game, but latent talent was nothing against skill. Jiheon captured Theo’s first piece. She smiled and whisked her fingers causing his helmet to fly off.

"Oh you are cute," Jiheon says with an enthusiastic stare at the young Aasimar . Their silvery skin is flawless, except for a singular scar across their left eye.

"Oh, what happened there?" Jiheon asks as Theo makes another move and captures one of Jiheon's pieces, they barely has enough time to dodge as one of her vambraces flies at them.

"My sister was practicing a blade barrage spell and I got hit by it."

Jiheon smiles interested as she makes another move. "Oh, are your sisters' casters."

"Yep in fact my younger sister is Princess Illuna's magic teacher" Jiheon's eyes widened at that

"So how did you become this armored titan?" Jiheon asks as she watches Theo Make another move, and capture another piece. She smiled as she took the bait. Now she would take the next two pieces. What she didn't know was that Theo was hoping to play a draw.

As the game continued, Jiheon’s smile widened, recognizing the subtlety in Theo's strategy. They played cautiously, trying to lure her into overextending, even if it meant sacrificing a few pieces along the way.

Jiheon, not one to be easily outmaneuvered, made her next move with grace and precision, capturing another of Theo's pieces. With a flick of her wrist, their breastplate unbuckled itself and clattered to the floor.

[thisisnotthenerd]

as the fhjy premiere is upon us, i'm back with another edition of thisisnotthenerd's d20 stats. it's just the updates that are relevant, since relationship tracking is taking so long to do and i got sidetracked by polls for a few months. this will be sorted by the categories i have data for--you can look at the spreadsheet to find data for all d20 seasons. or you can read it on ao3. anyway:

player data:

runtime and episode data:

before the start of junior year, we have spent 88 hours, 40 minutes, and 14 seconds with the bad kids on-screen, including in oneshots. this is about 3 days, 16 hours, 40 minutes, and 14 seconds.

that's 41/221 d20 episodes, 22 of which were battle episodes.

we've spent 125 hours, 37 minutes, and 32 seconds in spyre as a whole, or 5 days, 5 hours, 37 minutes, and 32 seconds.

that's 57/221 d20 episodes, 32 of which were battle episodes.

cast appearances:

brennan at the top of the list, with 19 d20 appearances, 15 of those as a gm/dm.

next is lou, with 11 seasons as a player; 8 intrepid heroes seasons, 3 sidequests.

followed by ally, zac and siobhan, each with 2 different sidequests under their belts

second to last is emily, with 9, with acofaf

and in last is murph, with only 8. if aabria is in 2 of the 2024 d20 seasons, she's in the running to beat him.

seating preferences:

junior year tipped a lot of the intrepid heroes into a distinct preference, simply by setting them on one side of the table.

emily axford: strong left side preference (6/8), most commonly in L1 and L2. paired next to zac 5/8 seasons, and across from murph 5/8 seasons. fig sits in L1.

zac oyama: strong left side preference (6/8), most commonly in L2 and L1. paired next to emily 5/8 seasons, and across from ally 7/8 seasons. gorgug sits in L2.

siobhan thompson: weak left side preference (5/8), most commonly in L3 and R3. paired next to lou 7/8 seasons [doubled across 5/8], and across from emily 3/8 seasons. adaine sits in L3

lou wilson: even split preference, most commonly in R3 and L3. paired next to siobhan 7/8 seasons [doubled across 5/8], and across from murph 2/8 seasons. fabian sits in R3.

ally beardsley: strong right side preference, most commonly in R2 and R1. paired next to murph 6/8 seasons, and across from zac 7/8 seasons. kristen sits in R2.

brian ‘murph’ murphy: strong right side preference (7/8), the strongest of the intrepid heroes, most commonly in R1 and R2. paired next to ally 6/8 seasons, and across from emily 5/8 seasons. riz sits in R1.

character data:

given what the bts's have shown, there might be some changes to these that i'll update during the premiere, but as of now, this is a quick summary of the bad kids' data, including dnd race, class, level, highest stat, feats, and age. you can go through the thisisnotthenerd's d20 stats tag for my previous commentary on this data, or check out the spreadsheet.

i'm putting them at level 9 for now because that's what we left off with, but more than likely they're starting at level 10 or higher. we know about riz's respec, but there may be others that crop up during the season.

fig faeth: tiefling. lore bard 8, hexblade warlock 1. CHA. actor, lucky. 17-18

gorgug thistlespring: half-orc. berserker barbarian 8, artificer 1. STR. orcish aggression/fury. 18

adaine abernant: high elf. divination wizard 9. INT. spell sniper, war caster. 16-17

fabian seacaster: half-elf. battlemaster fighter 6, swords bard 3. DEX. sentinel. 18-19

kristen applebees: variant human. twilight cleric 9. WIS. human determination, inspiring leader. 17-18

riz gukgak: goblin. arcane trickster rogue 9. DEX. healer. 17

all of the bad kids have some magic now--the ladies are all full casters, while fabian is a split multiclass, gorgug is a 1/2 caster multiclass, and riz re-subclassed into a 1/3rd casting progression. still an even split of multiclasses and pure classes, though that may change. riz's re-spec has bumped arcane trickster up to the most common rogue subclass, with 6 arcane trickster characters, 4 of whom sit in R1.

and that's it! all of the intrepid heroes/bad kids data that i have updates for! see you all at the premiere of fantasy high: junior year tomorrow!

[kirain]

Question. How do you handle the age differences and life spans of your tavs/romances in bg3?

Are you asking if I've made my Tavs age-equal to the romances I've picked for them? If so, then I've actually been very careful about that. Lore-wise, I can't stand the thought of my character dying hundreds of years sooner or living hundreds of years longer than their partner. So I adhered to D&D 5E lore. If you're interested, I've explained most of the lifespans below.

Serena, my canon character, is human and romanced Gale. In D&D, the average lifespan of a human is 120 years, but since she and Gale are both wizards, they could potentially live for thousands of years. It all depends on the magic they wield. Elminster, for example, is nearly 1,300 years old. Otherwise, they'll age alongside each other as equals.

Saska is a Seldarine drow. On average they last between 400-750 years, depending on if they survive and leave the Underdark. Saska has indeed left the Underdark, works as a bard, and romanced Karlach. Tieflings typically live to 150; however, Karlach has the potential to live longer since her body has been so drastically altered. Upon finding a permanent upgrade for her engine, it's possible she could live just as long as a drow, if not longer, as she's been touched by infernal technology.

Ez'ria is a githyanki fighter/storm sorcerer. This one was easy, since she romanced Lae'zel. With any luck, they'll both live to a nice, healthy 120 years old; the average lifespan of a gith.

Eilonwy is my redeemed Dark Urge half-elf. On average they last about 180 years. This one's a bit more complicated because I partnered her with Astarion, who's a pure high elf and a vampire. High elves live to an average of 750 years, and vampires/spawn are of course immortal. But I've given this a lot of thought. Eilonwy, for example, is a druid, and because of their connection to nature/magic, their aging slows to 10% of what they would normally age. This means Eilonwy has the potential to reach 1,800. I should also mention that there are cures to vampirism in D&D 5E, so I like to think they find one at some point during their travels.

Bakara is a tiefling sorcerer of the draconic bloodline. Another semi-easy one, since I partnered her with Wyll. As I mentioned before, tieflings typically live to 150, whereas humans live to 120. I headcanon that my tiefling was already 50 when she met Wyll; who, according to Larian, is 24 during the events of BG3. To clarify, tieflings are considered young adults by the age of 20 and full adults when they reach the age of 60. So despite being 50, she's mentally around the same age as Wyll.

Thalias is a high half-elf Selûnite cleric. Possibly the easiest one, since he romanced Shadowheart, who is also a high half-elf who becomes a Selûnite cleric (at least in my game). With Selûne's blessing, they could live however long she desires, but on average they'll both live to be 180.

I also made an adorable little deep gnome named Mira to sweep Barcus off his feet. I shall wait patiently for Larian or a clever modder to make him romancable. The average lifespan for gnomes is 350 years.

Halsin is a bit more complicated, since he's a pure wood elf and a druid. This means he could conceivably live to be 7,500 years old, which is wild. I do plan on doing a playthrough where I romance him, and when I do I'll be making a mysterious wood elf named Arawen, a warlock who made a pact with an ancient archfey. So in addition to living to 750; as per the average lifespan of her race, as long as her pact remains in tact, she will live as long as her patron allows.

[dollarstoreartsupplies]

day 2: party - @lautski-week

get it.,, like a..,,.,,, dnd party.,.,.,..,,

i straight up gasped when i realized i could use this as an excuse to talk about my lautski dnd au, so, if ur interested im gonna go feral about it below the cut:

steph: half-elven fighter

solomon lauter is a deeply corrupt, incredibly magical high elven king whose maintained his rule through intense dealings with the pantheon of the lords in black

he married a human woman at some point in his rule and he does love her, at first, just not as much as his power

so when the lords in black make him promise to sacrifice her in the name of some deal, he's sort of upset but... obviously he's gonna do it, she was gonna die before him anyway, it's not like it's a huge deal to let her die a little early, his subjects will think it was a squishy human life span thing, bada bing bada boom, hands clean of the whole affair

BUT.... then his wife gets pregnant and has a Stephanie... which kinda fucks shit up because said Stephanie is still fucking there after his wife has been sacrificed

he hates her, partially because she's a half-elf and partially because of what she represents, and she hates him, which results in her having very few boundaries because he doesn't want to deal with her

she's still a princess, and she's surrounded by high elves who think she's stupid and inferior because she's only a half elf and she has very little magical prowess, so it's not exactly ideal circumstances even with her extra freedoms

so she learns to punch things

because if people are dicks she can't outwit them but she can deck them

eventually the lords in black offer another trade with her dad where he can trade her for extra magic, but mostly it's just a test to prove his loyalty and he is honestly more than happy to get rid of her

except steph gets wind of it (because she's generally close with the kind of people who fucking hate the king/don't get treated with enough respect for people to not gossip around them) and she runs the fuck away

so now she's being chased down by her father who is facing pressure from the libs for not making the sacrifice, all the while experiencing actual respect and freedom for the first time from her party members

pete: teifling warlock-wizard multiclass

so you know that post thats like it's ethically ambiguous but you can hand off any cursed object to a baby? that's pete's whole thing in this kind of

ted, his full human older brother, was a intentional patron of tinky, who hadn't really thought it through and tried to get out of it by making a stupid promise and really just ended up dooming himself and his unborn brother (he felt really bad about it before he disappeared under mysterious circumstances, tho)

pete was born with a warlock pact to tinky (which was pretty obvious when his full human parents created a bright yellow teifling baby)

he hates tinky and is very uncomfortable and upset by the whole thing, so he multi classed into wizard shit when he was, like, eleven

tinky actively attempts to prevent him from gaining levels in wizard

he lies about being only a wizard and has spent years coming up for excuses about why a lot of his 'wizard spells' are very specifically warlock ones if someone asks (literally no one has ever noticed or questioned it)

because he was born with the pact bond tinky's hold over him is way stronger, and if he really submits (when shit gets super bad) tinky can take over his body and puppet him into doing some fucked up violent shit

he is truly treated like SHIT for being a teifling in his home town and it really minimizes a lot of his academic prospects, even though he's so smart, so part of the reason why he's traveling with his party is to try and find a real wizarding academy that will take him

(and one that can maybe help break his pact with tinky)

Bonus:

Ruth: human rouge who desperately wants to be a bard, but she's too nervous to perform and ironically, tragically hiding the fuck out in the shadows comes a lot easier

Richie: firbolg artificer -- he's pretty bad with the magical aspects of anything, but he builds a lot of cool ass machinery to make up for it (even if, god, hes SO upset by how bad he is at magic)

Grace: High Elven Cleric who WILL become a fucked up little warlock to the lords in black eventually (she is from steph's kingdom and followed her when she ran away to 'protect her'. Steph has been trying to shake her this whole time)

[onyxonline]

As someone who plays DnD, how was the campaign? Who plays what race and class?

CRACKS HANDS

aight.

Poppy: The dungeon master! she's been stuck in that case for 10 years, she's got many many stories to come up on the spot

Angel: Plays as a ranger (get it? because he uses a grabpack?) he's a tiefling, and he's just in it for the booze

Dogday: plays as a paladin and is a sun elf!

Bobby: a Shapeshifting Druid and also a Whole Bear. literally Just a Bear.

Hoppy: Plays as a drow who's a rogue, mf that tries to kill everyone

Crafty: Surprisingly a rogue as well! but she's a fairy of sorts (home brewed)

Kickin: a half elf half human bard (he just learned to play guitar and likes to sing in character lol)

Picky: She doesnt play but loves to watch! she ensures that the party eat some food while playing!

Bubba: Doesnt play either, is there to either instigate for funsies, or reading the lore for the others (they have the reading comprehension of a third grader/j)

Kissy is there for emotional support face smacks!

[divine0rdainment]

I had a weird day dream at work about Charlie learning about DND and thinking it would be a BRILLIANT way of team building among the hotel, so she pushes Her dad, Adam, Vaggie, Angel, and maybe Husk to play, and at some point alastor joins in for the lols.

Angel plays a Sexy female Elf Bard who sings pop songs instead of playing a regular instrument.

Adam plays a Human Paladin who REFUSES to gather any healing spells, leaving it to angel to heal the party half the time.

Lucifer takes a Changeling Wizard who is looking for his missing wife, (y'all know why) and will later discover she has become the big bad guy in the game. Also the changelings gender is questionable at best, much to angels enjoyment.

And Husk has a Tabaxi Rouge who uses ranged attacks and is an utter alcoholic, like himself (Angel made him the character cuz Husk didn't wanna get involved in this shit in the first place)

Vaggie gets a Half elf Fighter who's whole thing is being able to attack harder than anyone in the party and yet has no other good attributes till later in the game.

And then we have Alastor who comes in as a Dark Elf Warlock who has a high Charisma as well as high performance, and also is always in the mood to murder, even the innocent villagers.

I think Adam and Lucifers characters start off hating each other, but after a very dramatic event in the story, they start to bond and Lucifers like "... I think my Character might be in love with your character..." While blushing and Adams just in shock cuz he was kinda thinking the same thing cuz his character would like the challenge of dealing with such a goofy but also tragic character.

And Husk's character is constantly flirted with by Angels who refuses to let the poor cat boy rest without getting to pet his fur. And it's all just so cute and wholesome... Idk if love to talk about this more but I'm running out of time and ideas before I gotta get off my break! Ahhh!!!!

[a-roguish-gambit]

What if the x men played DND

This is what I think their characters would be

Beast: is the forever dm

Cyclops: the most lawful good high elf paladin to ever lawful good high elf paladin

Jean grey: starts with a standard lawful good high elf wizard but min maxes into an entirely different character about three times until she is once again at lawful good elf wizard. But now it's a different flavor of elf!

Morph: chaotic neutral plasmoid fighter

Wolverine: just homebrews himself into the game, with a custom barbarian subclass of "escaped living weapon". No one realizes what he did until he mentions that his hidden wrist blades come in sets of three and by that point they are three sessions in.

Jubilee: neutral good half elf druid/sorcerer, with a dramatic heroic backstory, stunning good looks, and she knows everyone just like in her fairy tale ep

Gambit: a purple lawful evil to chaotic good tiefling rogue/warlock who's patron makes him steal treasures as offerings in exchange for blessings of luck and powers to charm others

Rogue: girl found out you can seduce in the game and is playing a chaotic good damphir bard so she can seduce as many as she wants in the game she and gambit tag team to seduce all the monsters.

Nightcrawler: everyone thought he would play a lawful good tiefling paladin but instead he's playing a chaotic neutral tabaxi cleric/monk that is also a pirate

Storm: started out playing a min-maxxed to hell Asimarr druid but got tired of it quickly and is now playing Snarf, the chaotic neutral kobold ranger/wizard and is having a blast. Especially with fireball.

Xavier is not allowed to play because he keeps cheating by reading beast's mind to meta game and magneto was kicked out for being a problem player and kinda murder hoboing a village of humans that were harassing a goblin.

[milkcioccolato]

These are my ladies~

HERE YOU GO HAVE MY GORGEOUS TAVS THAT I LOVE VERY VERY MUCH AND I STILL HAVE NOT FINISHED A SINGLE PLAYTHRU WITH BECAUSE I AM A MESS

Under the cut, more specifics😌

-Sylvie! Chaotic Neutral Human Bard who sleeps with everyone, but I’m ultimately going to romance Selunite Shadowheart with her;

-Valeer, Lawful good Elf Sorceress who is very easily swayed and was charmed instantly by Astarion. She’s going to be a Spawn Astarion endgame;

-Nimeh, True Neutral Half-Elf Monk. You probably all know her already if you’ve been following me for a bit. She fell in love with Lae’zel basically at first sight, and they have a baby egg together and they’re going to go live in the astral plane together forever and ever.

[proneterror204]

Danny Phantom DND Prompt

Maddie Nightingale. Species; High elf. Class; blood hunter order of the ghost slayer/ Artificer Alchemist.

She isnt married but has sworn a lifelong partnership with Jack FenTON. She has no children of her own due to her class but has adopted 2 for herself and her partner.

Jack FenTON. Species; Goliath. Class; Artillerist Artificer

The sworn life partner of Maddie Nightingale. A big strong oaf with a talent for machinery but not for people. Loves his partner, loves his kids, loves making things go BOOM! no, thats not a typo. thats how you spell his name, he swears!

Jassmine Nightingale. Species; High elf. Class; Wizard order of scribes.

Originally the daughter of Maddie's sister, but taken in by Maddie because she was a barbarian berserker and was unfit to raise a child. Jazz strives for perfection and aims to be the best wizard in the land and earn the title Arch-Mage. She loves and supports her brother. She sometimes feels she has to be more of an adult because of her parents.

Daniel Fenton-Nightingale. Species; Snow elf. Class; Shadow Sorcerer/ Wizard school of Necromancy

As a baby, Danny was saved by Maddie and Jack from a ritual of the Death cult of the Ghost King. They couldn't find his home as snow elves were thought as myths and decided to adopt him as their own. Danny loves the cold and spells that use cold and the aftereffects of the ritual have given him incredible talent in necomancy. Danny has a Shadow Hound called Cujo.

Tucker Duulaman Foley. Species; Human. Class; Artificer.

Tucker is Danny's best friend and artificer apprentice to his parents. He tries very hard to learn from Jack and Maddie despite their difficult teaching techniques. He might like technology alittle to much.

Sammanthia Manson. Species; Half-Elf High elf heritage. Class; Nature Cleric/ College of Elloquence Bard

Sam is a half-elf born from her fathers dalliances. Her step-mother is dissaproving of her half elf nature and tries very hard to make Sam act like a "True Elf', forcing her into the college of Elloquence at a young age despite her love for nature. Sam dreams of being a druid and ran off after hearing of a arranged marriage with another elf to "clean the bloodline". She runs into the forest hoping to find a druid conclave. After weeks in the forest she becomes a Nature cleric after a run-in with a nature god and is lead to run face first into Danny and his family. Danny is the prettiest elf she's ever seen, but she'll never tell him that.

[bitethedevil]

Strange Bedfellows (Lae’zel X Raphael): Chapter 1

Link to this fic on AO3

Summary: Lae'zel stayed on the Material Plane after the defeat of the Netherbrain. She vowed to rid Faerûn from Vlaakith's filth. She found plenty of allies to aid her cause, but not many people stand a chance against the ruthlessness and efficiency of the Gith, and she soon finds herself struggling.

Though she is not the only one who is struggling: Raphael has been left crownless, and he has angered the Lich Queen herself with his actions. He is in desperate need of assistance from someone who knows how Gith work and think.

Author’s note: I give to you: the cursed ship of Raph'zel (or Hell Frog, if you will). You're welcome and I'm very sorry. It makes sense to me. Both Gith and devils are lawful creatures, though still in very different ways...and I like to put characters who would hate each other's guts in a box and shake it violently <3 Also: the part about Raphael and Vlaakith and a certain object isn’t something I made up. You can find the slate in the Astral Plane.

I would strongly suggest that you read this on AO3 because there I have included a little Gith dictionary at the end.

After the defeat of the Netherbrain, Lae’zel had ventured out to wipe out every Vlaakith stronghold on the Sword Coast. She had vowed that she would not stop until every sarth and kith’rak had been defeated. She had found plenty of new allies to join her cause. People who she grew to trust and who she could call ‘friends’.

They were, however, not as efficient as her former group of allies. Her new friends were capable fighters, but no one else but her was Gith, and they stood little chance against the warriors who had trained all of their life. In the beginning they had been lucky and wiped stronghold after stronghold, but now, she was beginning to lose more people than they managed to kill. Morale was dwindling fast.

This time she had lost two dear friends when they had tried to storm what they thought would be a small camp. They were caught off guard and they only barely made it out alive. They had regrouped in a nearby tavern after.

“Lae’zel…” Tasar said in a gentle voice from beside her. “We couldn’t have known, so stop blaming yourself. Olyssa and Perth knew the risks and they still insisted to go in first. They wouldn’t want you to beat yourself up for it like this.”

She lifted her head to look at the elf. Tasar was a capable ranger and the one out of the group that always managed to stay positive no matter what. Even he looked like hell with the blood in his blonde hair and the tinge of sadness in his green eyes, even though he tried to hide it.

He was being strong for her and despite her appreciating the thought, she did not appreciate the gesture. She was not to be coddled. Though there was no reason to snap at him. No reason to make a bad mood worse. She only made a grumbling noise and turned her focus back to eating again.

She looked around the room. Her companions were dealing very differently with what had just happened. Murnum and Gulmin, the two twin dwarven paladins were drinking in silence. Grace, their tiefling bard, was drunkenly talking to strangers at the bar. Vincent, their human wizard, had been staring at a map and picking at his food for a good half hour by now. Tasar was still just staring at her in worry. It annoyed her to no end.

“We will set up camp soon,” Lae’zel said to those around the table. “Whoever is sober will keep watch. We will leave tomorrow at first light.”

Murnum and Gulmin took a gulp of their ale at the same time at her words, wanting to avoid being the ones to take the night watch. Vincent nodded a bit without ever taking his eyes off the map.

“I’ll take the first watch,” Tasar piped up. “You get some sleep tonight, Lae’zel.”

She gave him a short nod before going back to tearing apart the piece of chicken in her hands. Her eye twitched when she heard Grace’s high-pitched drunken laughter from somewhere in the tavern.

“Someone is talking with your girl, Vince,” Tasar said and looked at Vincent.

Vincent briefly looked up from the map to look behind him at the highly intoxicated tiefling woman. He sighed and looked back at the map.

“She is not ‘my girl’,” Vincent mumbled. “Let her drown her sorrows…We all mourn differently.”

“Mhm,” Tasar hummed and leaned over the table. “It looks like she’ll drown in that fancy lad’s brown eyes if you don’t do something. Come on, Vince…you like her. You should say something.”

“You should mind your own business, Tas,” Vincent retorted with a tightlipped smile.

They kept talking. It was irking Lae’zel how they could talk about such trivial matters when two of their friends were dead. They had lost many people, but it was angering her how desensitized they were all becoming.

There was one more high-pitched laughter from Grace behind her over the bickering of the two men, and that made her snap. She hammered her fist down into the table. The sound of it and her fiery gaze was enough to silence the whole table.

“Tasar, go out and scout for a place to camp,” she ordered cooly and then turned around. “Grace!”

Grace turned around two tables away from them with a lazy smile on her lips. Lae’zel froze for a moment when she saw who she had been talking to before her eyes narrowed at the man. A wide smile spread over Raphael’s face and his eyes lit up in recognition when he spotted her.

Lae’zel stormed over to them. She made a sharp gesture towards their table to Grace.

“But—”

“Now,” Lae’zel hissed at her.

Grace’s face was like that of a child that had just been told ‘no’, but she complied. She smiled politely at Raphael before moving to their table as she had been asked to. Lae’zel stared down Raphael.

“Lae’zel of K’liir…” he said with a charming smile. “Fancy seeing you here. One would expect that you—”

“No,” Lae’zel interrupted him with a sharp gesture. “No talking. Leave.”

Raphael’s smile got slightly tighter at getting interrupted.

“Now, now…” he said in a low tone. “There is no reason to get so defensive, my dear. My grievances are with your former leader, not you. Whyever, would I harm you for the sins of someone else? Perhaps—”

“I will harm you if you ever speak to one of mine again, chraith,” she warned coolly.

Raphael chuckled at that, though it was a cold sound. He did not like how little he was in control of the current situation. Lae’zel was not Tav, and she would not give him the time of day.

“You have grown quite sentimental, it seems,” he said. “How unlike you. Though I suppose it is only natural with how your little crusade is progressing…I hear that your allies are dropping like flies…”

Lae’zel walked away from him. She went outside to retrieve something from their packs. When she came inside again carrying the Orphic Hammer, a few of her allies got up from their seats. They only saw her carrying a big hammer and walking towards a man in a very determined manner, so they looked prepared to fight.

She dropped it at his feet. Raphael did not look particularly impressed. He glanced down at it with a bored expression and then smiled lazily at her.

“I was wondering what became of it,” he purred. “Is this supposed to bribe me to stay away?”

“Yes,” she said in a cold tone with a small smile and narrowed eyes. “If that is insufficient, perhaps a sword through that horned skull of yours might persuade you. I don’t deal with devils.”

“Ah, I see,” he said with a smirk. “You merely get others to do so for you, isn’t that so?”

Her hand moved to the hilt of her sword in warning. This was not the day to test her.

“Don’t forget who is responsible for you ever getting your hands on that silver sword of yours and who assisted you in freeing your people,” he said and then made an expression as if just remembering something. “Or, of course, who now owns your dear Tav’s soul because of it. In a fair world, would it not be yours instead, Lae’zel?”

Lae’zel drew her sword and the whole tavern fell quiet. Raphael looked at her with that grin of his and then at the patrons around them. He glanced down at the sword and then took one last look at her face.

“See you soon,” he purred and snapped his fingers.

The patrons gasped when flames danced around him, and he disappeared. He left the Orphic Hammer behind.

A few days passed. Lae’zel was seated on a bench a bit outside camp while she watched her companions train. She was eating her second lunch while looking at the map beside her, planning their next move.

“Does it get tiring?” she heard Raphael’s voice behind her, making her pause her chewing. “Eating enough for two simply to stay alive in a realm that you were not made for? Your body disagreeing with you constantly as it is dealing with a world it has not adapted to? And, worst of all, aging…”

Lae’zel finished chewing, placed the bowl of food beside her on the bench and reached behind her for her sword. She grabbed the hilt and pulled, but felt Raphael’s hand on hers, stopping the movement.

“Tsk tsk,” he tutted. “I only wish to speak with you. Just a little talk between former unlikely allies, and then I will leave you alone for now. I promise.”

“G’lyck,” she groaned in annoyance. “Speak if you must, devil, but do not expect me to listen to your mindless chatter.”

Raphael moved the map that was sprawled over the bench to sit down beside her. He crossed one leg over the other and leaned his arm on the backrest as he looked at her.

“I have always admired the Gith,” he said. “They are without a doubt one of the worst mortal races to make deals with, but I admire them all the same. In truth, your societies are not much different from those of the Hells.”

She stared at him with a blank expression.

“It is clear that you have failed in all of your dealings with Gith if you begin by insulting them,” she grumbled. “We’re not the same.”

“No?” Raphael asked. “We both believe that strict adherence to order, laws, and hierarchy will uphold our societies and cultures, do we not?”

“A devil might be orderly compared to a demon, but a devil’s order is nothing short of chaos.”

“For an outsider with no real understanding, perhaps,” he mused. “We wield order like a sword, and like a sword, it does not need to have pretty adornments or modifications to serve its purpose. As long as it works. I am sure a pragmatic woman like you would agree.”

“A sword, yes…A curious metaphor for someone who does not know how to wield one.”

“Pardon?” Raphael said, sounding slightly offended. “I am perfectly capable with a sword. I have fought in the Blood War, same as any devil.”

Lae’zel gave him a dismissive gesture and took a bite of her food.

“You are a bard,” she said once she was finished chewing.

“Of some, as I am sure you are aware, use swords,” he said in a slightly annoyed tone. “I am still quite proficient with a rapier even though it has been centuries since I was last on the battlefield, I can assure you.”

“You would call a rapier a sword?” she asked.

“It is,” he said. “I have never seen much sense in hacking and slashing away at a target, when one well-placed thrust could do the trick. I do, of course, know how to handle a longsword as well.”

She shook her head and finished her bowl of stew. She folded the map and put it in her pack.

“I am returning to camp,” she said. “I do not have time for chatter about your lack of martial prowess, istik.”

His eyes narrowed at her and his nose was wrinkled in annoyance when she started to walk away from him. Lae’zel discarded the bowl into a bucket and drew her sword as she walked towards her tent. Raphael appeared in front of her in a flash of fire.

“I will talk, and you will listen,” Raphael grumbled. “We have a common goal, you and I. You want to rid Toril of Vlaakith’s influence, do you not?”

Lae’zel sat down with her sword in her lap and looked up at him with a bored expression.

“You do not care about the liberation of the Gith,” she said. “You cared about the Crown of Karsus. I do not have it. Leave.”

His jaw clenched and he looked around as he noticed the stares he was getting from her companions who recognized him from the tavern. Lae’zel raised a hand as to dismiss them from taking action and kept cleaning her sword.

“I would not waste my time here if our interests did not align,” Raphael said in a low voice to her. “Your little merry band here are not suited for the task they have been given. I could lend you assistance. Soldiers whose sole life purpose is to fight.”

Lae’zel looked up at him again. She studied his face. His tone was off.

“You are afraid,” she said as if it was simply fact. “Why?”

His already sour expression soured further at the accusation.

“Careful, Lae’zel,” he warned in a dangerous tone. “You do not want to make an enemy out of me. Especially when I might prove to be your best ally in this little endeavor yet.”

She got to her feet, sword still in hand.

“Do you think me so naïve, devil?” she asked. “Do you think that I would give my soul for an incompetent group of devil soldiers? We have nothing more to discuss.”

“I am not asking for your soul, you stubborn child,” he hissed. “I am asking you to do what you set out to do and kill every last trace of Vlaakith’s vermin on this plane. I am asking you to—”

He was interrupted by the loud sound of Lae’zel’s silver sword getting sharpened on the grindstone. He saw red. He grabbed her by the scruff of her neck and snapped his fingers.

Lae’zel’s eyes were furious when she saw that she was in the House of Hope. She grasped for her sword, but it had not been transported there with her. A flash of fire danced around Raphael as he took his devil form. His wings spread out behind him and his eyes bored into hers as he adjusted his clothes and schooled a smile onto his features.

“Please, take a seat,” he said in a dark but calm tone and gestured to a chair at the table.

Lae’zel did not budge. She stared him down from where she was standing.

“You will send me back,” she hissed. “Now.”

“No,” he said in a warning tone. “You will sit down. You will behave and you will not leave the Hells before you have listened to every word I have to say. That can take minutes, hours, days, and it is entirely dependent on your behavior, my dear.”

She gave him a low growl of discontent before dragging out a chair and sitting down.

“Speak,” she ordered sharply.

Raphael sat down in front of her and crossed one leg over the other as he studied her for a moment. He would not be rushed in his own home.

“Did you ever wonder why I had the Orphic Hammer in my possession?” he asked.

She just kept staring at him with narrowed eyes, waiting for him to get to the point.

“I suppose not,” he said. “You and your dear friends were no doubt too busy at the time to ask the right questions. Had you done a little digging, you would have learned that you, in a sense, owe your miserable lives to me.”

She raised an eyebrow. There was a glimmer of something in her mind. An inscribed Githyanki slate that they had found in the Astral Plane. It depicted Vlaakith and a devil making a deal for the Astral Prism.

“Continue…” she hissed.

Raphael smiled at her.

“Come now, Laezel,” he said. “One must know a lock intrinsically in order to make a key to said lock, do they not?”

Her suspicions were proved correct, and she felt her blood boil at the revelation. Her nails dug into the armrests of the chair. She wanted to kill him.

“You made the Astral Prism…” she said in a fiery tone. “You helped Vlaakith enslave Orpheus, and you ask for my help! I should drive a sword through your skull for what you have done!”

Raphael held out a hand in a gesture to calm her.

“And I helped free him as well, did I not?” he countered. “It was business. I made most of my fortune from that deal, but I did not enslave your prince myself. Your former queen did. I did however make the Hammer as an insurance policy after I saw the mess she made. It was merely a question of time before her little scheme would be discovered.”

“And now she wants your head for defying her,” Lae’zel replied. “Should I return to the Astral Plane, then I will make sure that every living Child of Gith will want the same thing for what you have done in the first place.”

“I have done what you say,” he said. “But as I have told you, our interests align. You need allies to your cause, not enemies. I am motivated to help you.”

“Chk,” she scoffed. “You are motivated to help yourself, devil.”

“You need all the help you can get, Lae’zel…”

“You need my help,” she said. “Or else you would not be here filling my ears with your drivel.”

Raphael’s fist hit the table so hard that she thought it might split in two. She looked at him with an unimpressed glare. He leaned closer to her with fire in his eyes.

“I am being hunted for sport by Gith on the Material Plane,” he said in a low, angry voice. “I have Tiamat’s dragons circling my home here. I would never have given you or your friends the Orphic Hammer to break your precious prince’s chains, had I known you would not keep your word. The Crown of Karsus was my insurance that this would never happen. Had Tav kept her word, Vlaakith would have been snuffed out long ago.”

Lae’zel sneered at him but that did seem to calm her down for some reason.

“It was not my idea to snub you of it,” she said.

“I know,” he grumbled. “I admit, I should have made the deal with you instead of her. A mistake that will haunt me for millennia.”

She huffed in response.

“I am offering you soldiers,” he began in a softer tone. “Some who will be from the Material Plane and others from here in the Hells. In return I am only asking for you to lead them. I will guide you, of course, but you will lead them. Laws prohibit me from directly interacting in such a manner on the Material Plane.”

“I will not do it,” she said and shook her head. “Find someone else.”

Raphael looked at her with the disbelief of someone who was absolutely certain they already had the deal in the bag.

“What do you mean you will not do it?” he asked.

“What I said.”

“I can’t ‘find someone else’,” he said in an annoyed tone. “You know how Gith fight, where they hide, how they think. You will fight them regardless and I am offering you help to do so. Why would you not accept?”

“Would I sign a contract?”

“Obviously,” he said impatiently. “Though it would only be a necessary formality. I have to abide by Infernal laws.”

“Then your offer does not interest me. I will kill every last one of them, and I do not need your help, devil.”

Raphael’s claws dug into the arm of the chair to the point that she could hear the wood creak, and his jaw clenched. He raised his fingers to snap.

“Perhaps you will reconsider once more of your new friends die to your incessant stubbornness,” he grumbled. “Insolent child…”

He snapped his fingers and sent her back.

[catscraftsandcommentary]

I need Lambert/Milena in a Shrek AU.

Just imagine with me:

Duke de Roggeven insults a powerful wizard (we all know he would - he'd be lucky if it was only ONE) who then curses his daughters. All three of them.

(ETA: he pissed off Yennefer. Probably insulted her mixed elven heritage and/or her inability to have kids, so she went "alright. Let's see how you feel when YOUR daughters are inhuman and infertile monsters.")

By night, each of them transforms into a different non-human humanoid: Marta is a succubus (all her lust for power and a crown turned into a different kind of lust - and we'll pretend that succubi *can* live without sex, but they feel sick and hungry the whole time), Marika is an elf (still elegant and pretty, but inhuman enough to shock everyone - Marika didn't piss off Yennefer), and Milena is a witcher (Yennefer saw her strength and kindness and went "this suits you.")

Marta, of course, spends the entire time being FURIOUS at being some "sex obsessed half goat! I am the daughter of a DUKE! The ELDEST DAUGHTER! How dare she!" Marika isn't happy, per se, but she privately goes "it could be a LOT worse. I'll take it." Milena actually enjoys her new abilities - she's so strong! Her senses are much sharper! - and the eyes are rather pretty.

After being COMPLETELY HORRIFIED that his daughters (well, mostly Marta) are cursed to become non-humans by night, Duke de Roggeven locks them in a castle guarded by a dragon and then pretends that he's sent them abroad to stay with distant relatives.

Meanwhile, Marta is getting on EVERYONE'S last nerve with her constant bitching, Marika is trying to keep their lifestyle as pleasant as possible, and Milena...

Milena befriends the dragon. She thinks Villentretenmerth is fascinating, and when she learns that the three ladies who showed up to help the sisters are also dragons, she wants to learn as much as they can teach her.

(Marta refuses to acknowledge any of them. "I will not consort with beasts," she sniffs hautily, and locks herself in a private bedroom every night before sunset.)

So! Back in Redania, Duke de Roggeven has convinced everyone that Yennefer's line about "whoever breaks the curse will gain a treasure greater than gold or gems" means that they can gain literal treasure (and/or magical treasure) by rescuing and marrying his daughters, and not - to take an example COMPLETELY at random - their true love as a bride.

(Yes, true love is the cure. Of course it is.)

So the asshole king of Kaedwen hears about the supposed princess and holds a huge tournament - and Lambert shows up because "that fucker dumped a bunch of refugees in our mountains, the fucking bastard. Who does that?!"

Jaskier, being one of the refugees - and also a bard who can sense the potential for a good story - insists on coming with him. They 100% do the "Donkey won't stop singing until Shrek snaps at him to shut up - and then he hums" scene.

About five times.

(Geralt and Eskel either stayed home to help Vesemir manage the refugees or hang around the Kaedweni court to remind the king of his promise - and make sure he doesn't get any even WORSE ideas.)

(Lambert REFUSED to stay in Kaer Morhen when Vesemir was being bossy - "I get enough of him riding my damn ass during fucking winter, NO GODSDAMNED WAY." And his brothers very sensibly refused to let him stay in court longer than absolutely necessary because, uh, they've MET Lambert and they know exactly how badly it would go. So he gets rescue duty by default. At least the princess will be happy to get to Ard Carraigh and away from him. They send Jaskier with him to try to temper some of his, uh, Lambert-ness.)

Anyway! Lambert and Jaskier arrive at the tumbledown castle guarded by a dragon, and Jaskier is immediately like "oh how wonderful! How majestic! Look at that wingspan!" And Lambert is like "...remember how we're here to fight the bastard? We have to GET PAST HIM to rescue whatever noble bint got stuck out here."

Jaskier pouts.

Villentretenmerth finds all this terribly amusing, especially since he recognizes a witcher when he sees one. So he sticks his nose in their camp and asks (rumbles) "what makes you think that even a witcher can defeat the greatest and oldest of dragonkind?"

So Jaskier introduces them - as dramatically and fancily as possible - and states that they are here to rescue the princess.

Milena creeps out from Villentretenmerth's wing. "We are the daughters of the Duke de Roggeven, and there are three of us. I hope you will still take us home?"

Villentretenmerth sighs. This girl. Always getting underfoot. "I will let you take the ladies with you - but you must convince them to leave freely. If they refuse - now or later - I will take them back."

"He sent THREE girls to some remote fucking castle? Fucker. Yeah, I'll take you all. Jask, let's find 'em and get out of here."

So Milena leads them up to the tallest tower where her sisters spend their day. I can't decide if I want Marta to do the whole "sleeping beauty waiting for a kiss" thing (assuming that JASKIER is her princely rescuer and Lambert is just there as a guard.) If she does, she'll get a rude surprise when Lambert shakes her awake and tells her to pack anything she's taking with her, they're LEAVING.

So the guys get the ladies and lead them out - pretending to ignore the hissing and squabbling that said ladies are doing behind the men's backs - and are unhappily surprised AGAIN because not only are their rescuer(s) NOT a prince and his retinue, they don't even have HORSES.

The dragons, of course, are watching this with amusement...and no little relief at getting rid of Miss Complainer the Eldest.

I'm gonna say it takes less than two days for Marta and Lambert to have a truly nasty fight. She wants a horse. A private carriage, really, but she'll SETTLE for a horse. Purebred, obviously. And fashionable new dresses, and BATHS, and food cooked in an actual KITCHEN, and a private bedroom from sundown to sunrise, and...

Lambert is just like "look lady, I don't get any reward until I deliver you, I don't have the coin for any of that, and I wouldn't waste on stupid fucking luxuries if I did."

This does not go over well. At all. There are very angry words shouted about his lack of preparation, decorum, breeding, proper dress...the list is endless.

Lambert gives exactly zero shits.

Milena is watching the fight with interest - she finds him FASCINATING - and Marika is mostly trying to stay out of it. She agrees with Marta on most of the points - their tower-castle was reasonably comfortable, certainly more so than this long hike back to civilization - but also, freedom.

If only they were returning home instead of to a strange country...

Which is about when Villentretenmerth - as the human Borsch - walks into their camp, accompanied by the three dragon woman who have been tending to the sisters. "Marchionesses. Wolf. Bard. I warned you I would take the ladies back if they wished to leave your company."

"The TOWER is better than staying with this BARBARIAN," Marta sniffs. "And Father arranged for marriages for Marika and I already!"

(She knows she gets the crown prince - and she knows that Kaedwen's king is a murderous asshole. Being queen doesn't count if she's not alive to enjoy it...and she won't have allies there to help her plot regicide. She's ambitious, not stupid.)

Somehow, it works out that Borsch and his friends take Marta and Marika back while Lambert and Jaskier continue to Kaedwen with Milena. There is ABSOLUTELY a scene where Lambert is out hunting when bandits try to attack the supposedly unguarded noblewoman and bard, and Milena thoroughly kicks their ass.

Lambert runs back just in time to be HELLA aroused impressed at Milena. Jaskier is already composing an ode to her.

They arrive at Ard Carraigh. Stuck up knights send for the king, who pretends he's a decent person long enough to carry Milena off on a fancy horse. Half an hour later, just as Lambert is moping about losing his new friend, his brothers arrive and go "quick, where's the lady? We have to get out her out of here!"

A very confusing but short explanation-argument later, Eskel and Geralt are chasing after Lambert as he storms the royal palace BY HIMSELF, because like hell will he leave Milena to that monster!

The confrontation is absolutely the most dramatic thing Ard Carraigh has seen in decades, with the witchers storming in just after Milena is crowned but before she can kiss her new husband...

...whom Lambert immediately punches in the face. "HOW MANY WOMEN HAVE YOU KILLED?!? HOW MANY, ASSHOLE? Did you even bother to COUNT THEM?"

Everyone gasps. Eskel and Geralt keep the guards back with drawn swords.

"NO MORE! I *WILL NOT* let you murder Milena for your sick fucking games!"

The king tries to splutter something, but Lambert takes his head off before he can get it out.

And then the sun sets.

And Milena...changes.

Scars from her training with the dragons, greater muscles than any noblewoman should have, and her eyes...

She shrieks - not at the king's death or the witchers' violence, but at her own secret coming out. She's hidden it for so long, and so carefully...she'll never survive this. The Kaedweni court will turn her out, if they don't execute her with her (very briefly) husband -

And then Lambert takes her hand.

"Milena? Are you...okay? Did they hurt you? What happened?"

"I'm CURSED! My sisters and I are cursed - for years now!"

He looks at her. "Y'look fine to me. It suits you."

"Really?"

"I wouldn't lie to you. Never have, never will. And I think you look - good. Really good. The dress is kinda silly - "

Milena giggles. She thought the same thing, when her maids were lacing and buttoning her into the massive thing.

"But YOU are gorgeous. Always have been."

"You still like me? Even..."

"As mutated and scarred up as I am? I'd have to be a fool not to. You're the bravest, strongest, most amazing woman I've ever met."

And she kisses him. She has to, can't hold it back.

(Cue the curse breaking - and leaving her as a witcher.)

Obviously there's cleanup, but Milena IS the queen, and is suddenly betrothed to the man who killed the murderous previous king - so it works out.

And then Villentretenmerth comes back.