#she’s the driving narrative force she’s fucking everything up and I support her

[booksandpaperss]

crazy to me how when I watched the arcane s2 trailer I didn’t even notice that jinx wasn’t in it until the end at first bc I felt her presence thru the whole thing so strongly even in her absence. this has always been her story

[22degreehalo]

Something I find kind of frustrating in discussions of female characters is whole ardently a lot of people will commit to the, like, aesthetic? of wanting bad/messy/unjustified female characters. All 'I support women's wrongs <3' and dunking on people who can't 'handle' a woman who does one thing wrong ever and the like

But then, when they actually start talking about their favourite female character. they DO, in fact, think that everything they did was okay and justified. Like, yes, they admit that they were violent or lashed out, but then they'll write essays about how it was a totally normal and justified traumatic response and everyone in-universe and out should forgive them and how the male characters she hurt were actually the ones who did wrong first so she was just fighting against the patriarchal dystopia she lives in etc. etc.

and I just. do not think that that is actually the same thing!!!!!

For an example: Ashley The Coffin Of Andy And Leyley Graves. Since joining the fandom I've been continually startled by just how MANY people will assert, with vehement assurance, that Andrew is 'just as bad as Ashley', often with the explicit or implicit judgement that anyone who thinks otherwise is biased against women.

And... I actually do think I disagree!!!!! Insofar as 'good person' is a quantifiable thing, it's made pretty dang clear in the flashback that Andrew has a level of conscience that, back then at least, Ashley truly did not show. She actively wanted to hurt Nina, even if not kill her outright, and was much less upset when it ultimately happened. She's also the initiator of almost all the fucked-up stuff that happens in canon: the cannibalism, the cold-blooded murder, and even the incest.

And that's fucking awesome!!! Ashley is the driving force behind the narrative: the proactive, game-changing one, the one who's running the show for the two of them. By contrast, Andrew's involvement is almost entirely either passive or reactive; even when he does, for example, kill the other guard, you could argue that Ashley was the true motivator behind it, given that she's the reason they ended up in that situation in the first place AND she's the one who chose that hiding place. He just saw that her life was in danger and pulled a trigger.

That's a role that is almost always given to female characters: the guilt-ridden ones, the conscience, the passive enablers. Men are the ones who Act; women, usually, simply Are, exerting influence on the story merely by affecting those around them.

Ashley is, in my view, a worse person than Andrew: because it certainly seems that she would have had the level of conscience that she has even without an Andrew to manipulate, while Andrew would WITH CERTAINTY not have done even half the shit he pulls in the game if not for Ashley.

And that's why she's such a great female character. Because she's not just reacting to the patriarchy and exhibiting some inherently female reasonableness or moral ethics. She is the reason why the story is happening as it is - not because men are driven to act on her behalf, but because of her own personal fucked-up choices and quasi-intentional manipulation.

She has, in short, the vast majority of the agency of the story. And she uses it to be selfish and fucked up (evil) and fucked up (traumatised) and weird and goofy and vicious and incredibly fucking fun to watch, and I for one think that's fucking awesome.

[baya-ni]

Renga Shouldn’t Be Canon (clickbait)

No but seriously, I hope that Renga doesn’t become canon, at least not in the way that I think a lot of people are hoping that it will. Personally, I’m not expecting anything close to a kiss and confession and that’s fine by me.

Queerbaiting is a problem in mainstream media, there’s no doubt about it, and many people both within and outside the queer community are right to feel wary about hoping for that kind of representation. Personally, I’m still caught by surprise every time a queer person or couple is depicted in a normalized and healthy way onscreen. And that just speaks to the appallingly poor representation queer people are so used to seeing.

But I think that fandom likes to throw the word “queerbaiting” around a bit haphazardly, much in the same way faux woke people throw around words like “gaslighting” and “cancel culture”. They’ve become buzz words to evoke immediate feelings of self-righteousness and to prey on person’s fear of appearing ignorant or bigoted.

Unfortunately, I worry that when the season inevitably ends without Renga’s “canonization”, people will unfairly label Sk8 as Queerbait. And I have many Feelings about this- mostly frustration.

But we’re only mid-season. I can only guess where the show is going to go and only make assumptions about fandom behavior based on personal experience, and there’s a high possibility I’ll be proven totally wrong so... take whatever I say with a grain of salt. But anyway, let’s get on with it.

Fundamentally, Sk8 isn’t shoujo, it’s not BL- it’s a sports anime. And while that doesn’t preclude a total absence of romance between its characters, ultimately those aren’t the kinds of relationships that sports anime concerns itself with. The most prominent relationships you’ll see will be more along the lines of Teammates and Rivals (there's also a third dynamic I'm calling Opponents which is Not the same as Rivals but the Opponents dynamic is less relevant to my point so I'll focus on just the first two).

However, it's not hard to see why romantic interpretations are so common among fans of sports anime. At their core, the basis of Teammate and Rival dynamics bear many similarities to that of a compelling romance. Both Teammate and Rival relationships are built upon two characters' mutual admiration and respect for one another, they involve characters learning from one another and being inspired to push themselves to be their best. There's a great deal of trust involved, as is vulnerability, communication, and empathy. In other words, all the essentials of any healthy relationship.

But context and genre are important. I think that a good romance is one that is unique to its characters specific personalities and needs, as well as is believable within the context of the setting and story. For an anime like Sk8, I would find an on-screen kiss strange and out of place (unless it was done for comedic effect which would be... bad).

I'm reminded of this quote from Portrait of a Lady on Fire, which is one of my all time favorite films:

"Do all lovers feel as though they are inventing something? I know the gestures. I imagined them all waiting for you."

And that basically sums up what I've described, albeit more poetically. Love is invention. Romantic gestures form a unique language between lovers. And if I may add, genre and narrative establish the basis for the emotional significance of these gestures.

In a genre like action/thriller, one of the most meaningful things a character can do is risk their safety or straight up sacrifice themselves for another, because bodily harm and physical risks drive the tension in these kinds of narratives. In the romance genre, confessions, physical intimacy, and grand romantic displays serve the same purpose. In something like sports anime, I argue that its gestures like physically accommodating for your teammate, supporting them when they feel dejected, and being motivated to train harder and be better for the sake of being allowed to stand beside them, that hold equivalent significance.

But this is all broadly speaking, and genre is just one element. Characters’ personalities, habits, insecurities, and trauma, as well as a story’s themes, further specify the kinds of gestures that hold the most meaning in a narrative.

Let’s look again at Portrait of a Lady on Fire, on my favorite scenes:

Portrait is interested in subverting the power imbalance inherent between the Artist and the Muse, the Voyeur and the Subject, the Looker and she who is Looked At. Heloise’s observations of Marianne hold great significance because of this theme; she disrupts the power imbalance by taking back agency as the Subject, demonstrating that she is just as capable of Looking at the Artist just as the Artist does at her. This is visually represented by the framing of the final shot. With the camera pulled back, we now see Marianne as Heloise has been seeing her, and she is now subject to being visually scrutinized in the same way that Heloise has been up to this point in the film.

This scene is so poignant because the romantic gesture it depicts ties heavily to the story’s themes, its characters’ personalities, and its existence is believable within its genre.

Now, let’s bring this all back to Sk8. In this show, what sort of gestures are given the most significance?

Skateboarding. Duh.

Basically, this line establishes that “basis for emotional significance” that I mentioned earlier, such that skating is the means by which characters and relationships are developed and the plot is driven forward, that any and everything related to skating potentially holds symbolic meaning.

And specifically, equating the act of skating to love then allows for more romantic interpretations of all kinds of scenes. Take for example, these parallel sets of shots from ep 1:

(I mean cmon look at his tiny blush, it’s fucking adorable) And:

In a show that equates skating to a “ritual of love”, these scenes can be realistically be interpreted as Langa and Reki falling in love with one another. Skating acts as both the catalyst for their relationship as well as later on being the means by which they express their feelings and develop their relationship.

Skating is their love language.

Ok, I’ll try to wrap this up since this post has gotten wayyy too long. But basically my point is that Renga is about as canon as this show could possibly make it within the confines of its genre and narrative. Romance in sports anime is different from romance in shoujo, but it’s romance all the same, in the same way that different people express love in different ways.

A kiss and confession is not the only means by which a ship can become canon. And I personally would much rather have this kind of carefully crafted symbolism than a kiss just randomly shoehorned in.

But I understand that in the face of centuries of censorship, cop-outs, and barely believable and forced heteronormativity, people want same-sex intimacy onscreen, unapologetic and normalized. I get that.

But in my opinion, Sk8 isn’t queerbait, and it shouldn’t be accused as such just because its characters won’t kiss onscreen. I think this show depicts a wonderful and loving relationship between two boys, that isn’t any less loving just because it doesn’t fit into conventional romantic tropes.

Edit: I did a followup post about Sk8 and its queer representation here, where I go more in depth into the ways that Sk8 represents queerness through beyond its implied homo-romantic relationships.

So yeah, I’d love to hear yalls thoughts :)

[smol-and-grumpy]

Legally Yours - Ch. 01 (Prologue)

Pairing: Dean Winchester x Reader

Summary: Dean Winchester tops the list of hottest entrepreneurs 2020 and yet, there’s still something he wants but can’t have because, in order to get that, he would have to settle down and get married. She agrees too quickly because she wants to secure a more comfortable life for her and her daughter. Will she be able to help Dean get what he wants without losing herself in the fake story they spin up to deceive his father and the world?

Chapter Warnings: None. Maybe the end will get your heart racing.

WC: 1796

Beta’d by: @deanwanddamons​ <3

Series Masterlist ~ SPN Masterlist

Buy me a coffee

Y/N’s sitting at her desk as she types an answer to the inquiry from a customer, when her friend Donna practically slams a glamour magazine over her keyboard. 

“Have you seen this?” The blond woman asks. 

“Jesus, Donna! I haven’t saved that document yet! God!” She picks the magazine up and tosses it to the side as she continues to finish the document on her screen. 

Donna’s still waiting, staring at her and she wonders if that woman has nothing else to do. Y/N’s sure Donna has plenty to do, they always have a lot of work and that’s why she gets home so late and sometimes, Liv would already be asleep. Sometimes, when she’s lucky, Liv was awake and she’d read her a bedtime story of princesses who are rescued by a heroic prince.

As soon as Y/N is finished, she turns around in her chair, to see her friend still staring at her instead of doing her own work. 

“What is it?” She asked with that added annoyed nuance to her tone of voice.

“Look!” Donna lifts her chin to point towards the magazine she slammed in front of Y/N just a moment before, “Have you seen it?”

Turning back around to her desk, she picks it up, “Donna, I’m not reading those mags, so no, I haven’t seen it. Why?”

Instead of answering her, Donna only grins. The grin that shows her dimples. The wicked one, “Page twenty-six,” 

With raised eyebrows and that little spark of curiosity which Donna had added to her interest, Y/N rifles through the pages until she reaches page twenty-six. 

There’s a picture of a man who stares right at her. He’s wearing a perfect suit. His one hand fakes the adjusting of his cufflink on his wrist. It’s a total male model pose. Well, he looks like one, so she can’t really say that anything’s out of the ordinary. 

At a second glance, though, she realizes that he looks familiar. His face is a little scruffy, but that makes him look edgier, makes him look more handsome. He’s smiling bright, showing his perfect white teeth. There are crinkles around his emerald eyes, seven on his right side, and she knows she shouldn’t even be counting them, so she ignores his left side. And she definitely can’t help but notice the freckles across his face. 

Oh, she thinks.

Oooohhhh.

“Is that..?” She asks with a frown that gets deeper between her eyebrows because she’s just not sure? She hasn’t seen the man that many times in real life. 

“Ya! Our fucking boss! The icy King!” Donna shouts, “Isn’t he dreamy? My god, I wanna eat him up! And he doesn’t look as icy and distant like he always does,”

“Donna!”

“What? Only telling the truth here! Read what the headline says!”

Her friend is right, though, Mr. Winchester’s normal aloof and cold persona isn’t captured in the picture. He’s known to be the icy King in the company. Instead, he looks kind of welcoming and warm. Y/N eyes go to the top of the page, and she can’t lie, it’s hard to concentrate on the writing when there’s a good looking man staring her down.

The headline is in all caps.

 DEAN WINCHESTER, HOTTEST ENTREPRENEUR 2020

 She frowns, as her eyes leave the magazine to look back at her friend, “That’s what you wanted to show me?” 

“Duh! There’s also a whole article about him being the center of attention everywhere he goes,”

“Well, that’s not really surprising, is it? Looking like that?”

“It also says that he has a fiancée.”

“That’s also not surprising,” Y/N shrugs, “I mean, seriously, look at him. Who wouldn’t want to marry that?” She didn't. At least not when they say that he’s cold-hearted. But again, she’s not the norm here because every female is gushing about him. 

She closes the magazine loudly, deciding that she shouldn’t waste more time. She wants to get home on time today. Liv went on a field trip with her school and she wants to hear her little girl telling her about how exciting it was. Y/N still has a lot of work to do and also a meeting with her supervisor later. The sleazebag.

“So, can I go back to work?” She turns to Donna, “I have a meeting with Raphael in about twenty minutes.”

“Ew,” Donna cringes her nose.

Y/N rolls her eyes, “Exactly,”

“Will you tell him off?”

“I already did,” She sighs, “Multiple times,”

“Why don’t you just go to HR?”

Donna knows what happens. What always happens when she has a meeting with Raphael. He’s always trying things with her. Accidentally brushes his hand against her breast or her ass. He once told her to sit in his lap as he was showing her the numbers of her performance. It wasn’t the first time he suggested it, and she doubts that it will be the last time either. He tried to kiss her more than once, but knowing that they are in an office environment, he didn’t dare to force her too much. He also offers to drive her home almost every week, and she’s slowly getting tired of it, not to mention creeped out.

At their last meeting, he made her hang up a picture frame in his office. His hand rested on her hips to supposedly support her, but they traveled further down until he kneaded her ass in his palms. She immediately got down from there, and left the room wordlessly. 

She knows another secret about Raphael, though. One she could use against him, but she just doesn’t know how just yet. Y/N knows and has got proof that he’s been skimming money. He takes it out of the customer’s account. Not a lot, a small sum that customers wouldn’t notice is missing, but in the end, it’s probably a whole lot when he does it to all the customers he’s supposed to look after. 

Again, she can’t really bring that up because she’s sure that he’ll spin it around and Raphael is good at that. With a push on the button of his keyboard, he could reverse everything and she knows that. 

“I can’t go to HR,” Y/N lowers her head and mumbles to her friend, “Because they won’t believe me,”

And that’s the truth too. The Head of HR is Duma, a woman who occasionally fucks Raphael. They have a friend with benefits thing going on, even if she’s married with children. Duma will never believe her because Y/N’s sure that Raphael can spin this perfectly to fit his narrative. 

Besides, what can she possibly tell? It’s her against him. It’s like a mouse against an elephant. She’s only an accountant and is replaceable, whereas Raphael is a member of the leadership team. And who will be let go? She doesn’t think it’s going to be him and she needs the job to survive. 

Y/N watches as Donna’s lips start to curl up, the white teeth of the woman are visible, as she drums her fingers annoyingly on her own desk.

With a frown, she asks her friend, “What?”

“I have an idea,” Donna says and pulls up her outlook calendar. 

She types in something, and then a calendar appears with a lot of colorful blocks. 

Oh no. She has quite the idea of who’s calendar it is even if she can’t read the name from where she’s sitting, which is too far away because she doesn’t want to give the impression that she’s not working. And it’s stupid that they can do that. They have quite an open calendar policy at the office. Everyone can send and block meetings for everyone, even for the icy King. 

“Donna, no!”

“Why, Donna, yes!” Her friend grins, “He has an open window right now. The meeting in the boardroom is in ten minutes. You should go tell him what you know. If someone can change anything, it’s him, right?”

Donna’s not wrong, she isn’t. But Mr. Winchester is what? At least four tiers above her if not five. Why should he care what a simple worker in his company is thinking? Why should he care what the hell she goes through every day while he earns enough profit to fuel his expensive and glamorous lifestyle?

“He wouldn’t believe me,” She shakes her head.

“You can tell him about the money skimming, I bet he won’t be happy to hear that.”

“Ugh,”

Donna stands up and walks over to her, braces her hands on the chair Y/N’s sitting on, “What’s the worst that could happen, huh?”

“That I get fired?”

“Meh,” Donna squeaked, “I doubt that. You’re doing a great job. Your records are great. And besides, if they do that, you can go and file a lawsuit against them. Besides, who knows, if you go to HR, Raphael will fire you before the icy King does.”

True, but still. 

“Now go get your ass up to the executive floor. Maybe take him a coffee, I heard he likes it black,”

“Oh, just like his heart?”

“Ya, maybe I wouldn’t tell him that?” Donna chuckles.

 *

 Y/N’s on her way to the elevators. She can’t believe that she’s really doing it. But Donna’s right. She can’t go on and live like that. It’s already hard to part from her child every morning and to get bullied at her job and being sexually harassed should not be the norm. She just fucking wants to earn enough money to keep her kid and herself above water.

God, she’s really doing it! 

Fuck.

There are six elevators lined up in the foyer. Three on each side. Only one goes up to the executive floor and also one is reserved for Mr. Winchester’s penthouse on the top floor. Everybody knows that. 

To get the elevator to run up to the executive floor, Y/N would need to have a card with a chip, which she doesn’t, and she feels stupid to have just realized it. And now she’s standing here, lost, with a hot black coffee in a lidless plastic cup that almost burns her fingers off.

Ugh. 

She’s so fucking stupid.

Well, she could still try, couldn’t she? She jumped over her own fear and has come this far. She definitely shouldn’t give up now. 

Her finger hovers over the buttons. Closing her eyes and exhaling loudly, she gives the button a push. Standing back, she waits, her heart is drumming loudly against her ribcage.

And she doesn’t even have to wait long because not even thirty seconds later, the elevator dings and opens up to reveal a man in a nice suit staring back at her.

It’s him.

Ch. 02

Please share your thoughts with me, I’d love to hear your feedback.

[meta-enthusiasm]

You know what I am really fucking tired of seeing in popular media?

The "evil, hysterical woman in power" trope. The clichè that potrays women who are in a position of power as overzealous, unhinged, power hungry maniacs who are a ticking time bomb waiting to explode.

Female leaders are shown as less resonable and down to earth as their male counterparts, and are often villainized by either the fandom or the narrative of the story itself. They are doomed to fail because of their womanliness and need to be taken down before they enact their evil plans, preferably by a man, or a woman who performs the 'right' kind of femininity.

This trope relies on the sexist misconception that women are more fragile than men, more emotionally unstable and unpredictable.

"Women aren't cut out to be leaders, they should be nurturing and supportive and tend to their families. Having higher aspirations is against their nature and will eventually break them and drive them crazy."

That type of bullshit that was designed to keep women out of leadership positions and keep oppressing us. To keep us quiet and submissive.

Here are a few examples to further explain this stereotype:

Daenerys Targaryen is one of the most well known characters to fall victim to this trope. She is an abuse and rape victim, seeking to change the current social and political systems of the world because she knows how many people suffer under its injustice. ("Crush the wheel.")

For all her compassion and charity she has shown over the series, the writers decided that it would be reasonable for her to go crazy at the end of the show and, despite promising she wouldn't inflict more damage than necessary, kill thousands of innocent people whose government had already surrendered to her.

And guess who had to kill her in the end? Yup, another man. Her love interest, who was "forced" to betray her.

Next, we have:

Morgana Pendragon, from "Merlin". To remind you, she is an abuse victim who had to endure her father's controlling behavior and bigoted attitude towards people with magic abilities which, suprise suprise, she turned out to have. She had to watch as her father murdered and oppressed people just like herself, and when she challenged that behavior, he would come down hard with punishment. (Going so far as to actually throwing her in the dungeons for a couple days.)

Eventually, she rebelled against the corrupt system and had her genocidal father killed. She led a rebellion against Camelot after Uther's son (Arthur) continued to oppress magicians under his reign, and sought to create a better future for herself and her people.

So far so good, right? Well, no. The problem here is that she is the antagonist of the story. She is portrayed as being in the wrong for not quietly taking the injustice and watching it happen.

Halfway through the show, she becomes obsessed with power and status and desperately chases after the throne of Camelot. She is extremly vindictive, manipulative and cruel to others to archieve her goals. She is a "hysterical woman" who is out of control, emotionally unstable, challenges the patriarchy, and therefore needs to be defeated.

Her death was portrayed as tragic, yet absolutely necessary.

(Of course it had to be a man who killed her.)

Azula is the epitome of this horrid, misogynistic trope. She is a fierce, ambitious leader and highly skilled fire bender, respected and feared among her people. She is highly driven and succeeds at almost everything she sets her mind to.

Ever since she came into this world, she was better at everything than Zuko. She was a better fighter than him, a better bender, better strategist, better child. And that is precisely the reason why she had to lose in the end.

Despite coming from the exact same circumstances as Zuko, the story and the fandom at large see Azula as way less redemable and likable than him. Even though she is an abuse victim whose own mother hated her and is a literal child soldier, she doesn't get any sympathy from the protagonists of the story. The otherwise so understanding and wise Iroh even calls her "crazy", (which is, if you've done some basic research into misogynistic expressions, really fucking problematic.) and tells Zuko that there is no saving her. Why? He doesn't tell, but it's obvious that the writers made him say this because of their own internalized sexist beliefs. She isn't offered a way out of her toxic environment like Zuko was. She didn't get the support from Iroh because he had already given up on her.

To top it off, she has a nervous breakdown near the end and loses her remaining sanity. Because, you know, "She's craaaazy!! And SO unstable!! Typical woman." (Not to mention how this further stigmatizes mental illness and portrays it as something only evil people get.)

She was supposed to become the next fire lord, a position that carries utmost power and influence. Of course, such authority could not be given to a woman. That's why Zuko, a man, gets to be the next fire lord, and we are left assuming Azula will be spending the rest of her days in prison.

The writers assume the audience detests Azula and wants her to suffer. She doesn't deserve a happy ending, or the love and support that Zuko got.

Why? Because she poses a threat to the status quo, the patriarchy. She challenged the belief that men had to be the best and most efficient at everything they do, that women could indeed be better leaders and be happy with having a career and not be nurturing, motherly figures to the men in their lives. And for that transgression, for breaking gender stereotypes, Azula was punished.

(It's also why Katara, someone who performs the "right" kind of femininity by being nurturing, motherly, supportive, healing, doting, and is the care taker of the group, ends up taking Azula, the evil and perverted form of femininity, down. I believe @batboyblog has made a similar post about this.)

This is Carmilla from the popular Netflix show "Castlevania", and if you've payed attention to my previous points, it should be pretty obvious what her character represents and how her story ends.

Note that she is also an abuse and rape survivor who is represented as evil and cruel for being angry at what was done to her.

To top it off, she is also an example of the man hating woman stereotype, whose anger at the misogyny and sexism of the world is portrayed as an "overreaction" and as "too much".

At the end of the story, she had to be taken down by another man (Isaac) so that the status quo could be preserved, and the reign of a crazy bitch like her could be stopped. Horay, the day is saved from yet another unstable, selfish woman who would have brought suffering and pain over her country if allowed to rule. Hysterical women with their demand for equality.

Conclusion:

In all these examples, we can see female abuse victims thriving for power and status, for respect, being represented as something negative and something to avoid. Trying to fundamentally change a system that is rigged against women/female representing people is a fruitless endevour that will eventually fail and drive us crazy, because our minds aren't strong enough to handle this type of responsibility and status.

Holding on to anger and bitterness over what was done to us is the sign of a bad person, and the only morally acceptable path is to forgive/ignore our abusers and let the injustice continue to happen.

Strangely enough though, that same gaslighting, victim blaming mentality gets almost never applied to male characters. Men who seek vengeance are never portrayed as weak or crazy for giving in to the wish of changing a corrupt system/killing bad people. (Batman, the Punisher, Hawkeye, John Wick, Jason Todd, Erin, Scar from FMAB, Iron Man, and so on)

The reason why these stereotypes almost never apply to men but almost always to women is sexism. There is no other explanation for this. These tropes were specifically designed to make society believe that women aren't cut out for leadership positions and are happiest with domestic, easy tasks like watching after our children and taking care of the household.

Women who are angry, women who are dominant are to be feared and distrusted. They are represented as a danger to the general public and need to be taken down before they enact their evil plans.

Feel free to add further examples.

[talkingtea]

The show lost viewers this season because it was insanely dreadfully bad. If they want any chance of a successful season 8, they're going to have to make some serious changes.

1) un bloat the damn cast. We do not need DP playing 2 shittily written mediocre characters with no plot taking up screentime when they can't even write 1 well. If they're not going to get rid of them both, I'll take Caitlin's blank face looking ass over white privilege Frost. Get rid of that dumbass Chillbean. Get rid of all and any Caitlin love interests forever bc DP has no chemistry with any of them. Cecile needs to be guest or recurring - she has no more use for the plot, esp now that Jenna is nonexistent and Joe is sharing scenes with Kramer. Unless they have a continued significant plot for Joe next season, he needs to be bumped down to supporting cast too and ACTUALLY support his pregnant daughter. Allegra doesnt need to be in episodes not focused on Citizen plots. Even if I dont mind her character, we don't need Sue back. She serves no purpose in the overall narrative. Why tf did they feel the need to bring her back and write for her when they can't even write their existing longterm characters properly?? Too many plates at the table. This focus on side characters has got to go. They didn't develop them well when they first joined the show which they should have done to make us invested. Trying to force in filler for that now after the fact is too late and disrupts the trajectory of the show. The only one they've done right is Chester.

2) go back to the roots of the show, with the Wests and Westallen family at its core and the characters and character dynamics driving the narrative, not the terrible and inconsistent plots. The show needs to stop being so invested in the spectacle and focus on the heart.

3) cool down the corny goofiness and gearing this towards kids bc I doubt the younger audience make up the majority of viewers at this point. This may not be a late time slot show but it is starting to resemble Disney shows with how "kiddy" and silly it has become. If s8 is indeed the last season, I hope they say fuck it and stop giving a damn about those (probably made up) constraints. Is it really that much to ask for the main couple to have some intimacy in bed? Even just cuddling under the covers? Steamier kisses?

4) let the writers who have experience writing the show and characters have more episodes because inconsistent characterisation and writing is ruining pivotal moments. And conversely, stop letting longtime writers with a clear anti agenda have pivotal WA/Iris episodes to write because again, inconsistent characterisation and writing is ruining it

5) they need to do right by Iris. Proper journalism story arc, proper pregnancy arc with her husband, proper investment in her vulnerability emotions and fears. Enough with the misogynoir.

6) a strong overarching villain with good, steady buildup and good motive who has stakes in the personal lives of every character, otherwise ppl are not going to get invested in the fight.

7) utilise their stronger actors more. They have significantly better actors with less screen time playing support like roles and keep pushing the actors who can't fucking act or carry episodes at the forefront and it is resulting in pretty bad episodes. A good actor can make bad writing tolerable. A bad actor just highlights all the flaws in the show. The focus on side characters exposed the show, bad writing, and how crappy some characters are this season, which we've been able to disregard in the past for the most part because at least there was fantastic acting and moments we could focus on instead.

8) they refuse to dismantle Team Flash at this point, so they need to make Barry a CLEAR leader. No more looking to others for decisions or having them in his ear all the fucking time. He's spent all seasons needing everyone's help for everything. How is he supposed to build his legacy as legendary if he needs everyone else to tell him what to do? He's about to be a father. They better have him shape up quick and learn to be a protector and leader in his own right. He's a muppet I can't take seriously at this point. If the titular character is written shoddily, the rest of the show won't hold up.

And 9) STOP PANDERING TO THE RACISTS AND DUMBASS WHINY BITCH FANBOYS. How hard is it to understand that whenever they do, the show suffers for it and has worse episodes, and when they don't, it thrives?? It's morons running this show I swear. How are fans of the show understanding the show more than the actual ppl who made the show??

It's not too late for the show; they can turn it around and end on a higher note but they seriously need to reevaluate the wrong turn they took after s4/s5ish.

🗣🗣🗣

[tundrainafrica]

So I see your a LeviHan shipper!! I enjoy the ship a lot too!! But are there any specific reason that their your favorite?? Maybe you could explain that a little through a list? But anyways I hope your week has been good so far, Sav. Have a good day/night!!!! - Signed by Your Secret Santa 🎄

Hello! Thank you for asking about my week (and my ship). 

I enjoy the ship a lot too!! But are there any specific reason that their your favorite? 

To answer that first question...

You’re in for a long rollercoaster ride of a rant because I don’t think I’m the type of person to ship anything to the point of writing domestic fluff fics unless the I felt really really drawn to the ship. 

Anyway, (slight) spoilers abound! Will keep manga spoilers subtle, mostly Levihan scenes.

Disclaimer: I do not want to start shipping wars. I specifically avoided the words like should or best because I recognize that shipping is generally based on preferences. I respect everyone’s preferences on what they want out of a ship or even a relationship and through this, I just hope to express my own preferences and maybe even gush with people who agree.

1. The ship did not move the plot. The plot moved the ship.

Attack on Titan is not a romance or a shojo, if it’s not fairly obvious from any chapter you would randomly read. As a reader, I would have expected it to fall short with pairings. Most shows which are not romance based tend to have a few pairings which just suddenly end up together towards the end of the manga because “What’s a happy ending without marriage and kids?” There is usually a trend of just pairing of the extras and sometimes, or maybe even more often than not, it just seems to come out of nowhere (ehem... Naruto.). Maybe the relationship worked off screen but I dunno. Like no shipping war here but the only pairing I had full support for was Shikatema. 

In stories classified as romances, there is enough of a spotlight on the sexual tension and mutual pining of specific characters for the romance to be considered reasonable. In my opinion, some authors tend to sacrifice really good world building for a good romance. Objectively twilight for example had some crazy good world building but it just kinda focused a little too much on emo Bella and emo Edward for the world building to actually be appreciated by the casual reader. Tbh though, this is not necessarily bad because people get into stuff for reasons, sometimes, I just wanna read a good fantasy, sometimes I just wanna read a good romance.

Romances though as a main driving point for narratives, require some convenient serendipity moments and sexual tension which can be written well but as a reader, I prefer to see more natural relationships born out of necessity (Wall of Winnipeg and Me by Mariana Zapata is a good example of what I’m talking about in a romance novel.)

Attack on Titan through its narrative actually made Levihan seem VERY VERY possible. If I had to compare the presentation of this ship in canon to at least one relationship in other anime, I would compare it to Royai from FMA. 

Like, if Attack on Titan didn’t give us random subtle hints about romantic or just platonic relationships between the two or even about anyone, even if Levi and Hange did get together in the end, it would have been one of the pairings, I probably wouldn’t have raised an eyebrow at. 

But they could be just friends? Which brings me to my next point.

2. Their current situation makes it so it’s only natural that at the least, they considered it. 

Yes. Friends is a valid interpretation for anything. I mean, given our hook up culture, people can fuck as friends too. People probably have made out drunk as friends too. Like I have seen my fair share of this type of bullshit in high school and college and I would say, we do not need a kiss or a fucking session to recognize that something can be a good relationship or to recognize that they have probably thought about it. 

A relationship requires a commitment (conscious or unconscious) to caring for the other, keeping the other safe, recognizing their flaws and thinking about them regularly (Call me scott peck or marriage counselor but like I honestly think the world would be a better place once people recognize that quality romantic relationships are worked for).

Mind you, Levi and Hange lost everything.They literally lost everything from their old life, all their friends, all their loved ones and all they have is each other and they’re forced to take care of a bunch of kids.

There are people who have said before, no one gets very close with someone without ever considering a romantic relationship with them. Or even if they never considered it romantic, they could consider at least “living with them their whole life,” or “supporting them through thick and thin.” The things is, towards the end, they were constantly together and what drove them to that situation is that both of them are aware of what the other had lost. They understood each other more than anyone else and they recognized that they were the only ones left in their own circle and I personally think that is more than enough for a relationship to naturally bloom between them.

3. The relationship and the signs are subtle and it works.

I personally probably would not have enjoyed it if canon showed a romantic relationship of the two after Erwin died. It’s a valid interpretation to consider that it could have happened, based on my explanation for number 2 but Hange is commander, Levi is captain. They have a professional relationship and they have goals and obligations which take precedence over personal desires. They are in the middle of a war and the most which probably could have happened was a secret mutual pining between the two and I think Isayama has injected the most subtle hints which are the most that could have been appropriately put into canon without seeming too OOC. Hange and Levi are not selfish people. They have promises, dreams and obligations which they respect and have committed themselves to already. It has also been shown at earlier points of the manga that they do put their survey corps duties on top of everything so acting on a romantic attraction at that point in time would have definitely been inappropriate. 

I personally think, the scenes of Hange going out of her way to save Levi as commander, killing her other soldiers to save both their asses, suggesting in the forest that they live together instead of go back to the war and not leaving an injured Levi until she had no choice were more powerful than a lot of romantic scenes where people actually fuck and kiss. Kissing and fucking are easy. Leaving the duties and responsibilities they have worked for for five years to keep the person they love alive hits way harder. 

Call it platonic. Call it romantic. But no one like Hange would have deserted her post as commander for a few chapters to take care of a sick comrade and kill her subordinates to save their asses if there wasn’t anything between them. 

4. It gives a great example what healthy relationships can come from. 

I grew up reading sweet valley and chick lits cause I was a basic bitch and I kinda grew up with a somehow unrealistic idea of where relationships come from. Call me a late bloomer but I only actually figured out where the romance and the happiness of a relationship was when I got into one with my best friend for five years. 

It’s the sexual tension and the “will they wont they?” push and pull which can lead to satisfying sex or a happy ending in romance novels. I think in a way, media kinda overglorifies it which kinda gives a lot of young people the wrong idea about why they getting into a relationship is fun in the first place.  Because after the satisfying sex and the kids, what’s next for the relationship?

Years of utility bills, diapers, chores, schedules, parent teacher conferences and compromises until someone gives up or dies. And what kind of relationships can actually thrive through all these? 

Those that have mastered the underrated parts of relationships. These include conflict resolutions, compromises and open communication. I think we have seen enough of those two, even before season 3 that have shown that they know each other very well and they have shown to at least have a relatively equal power dynamic which is a foundation for open communication and mutual trust in relationships even beyond the fucking and marriage stage 

5. They have a great foundation of character development for both parties.

As I mentioned above, they have a relatively equal power dynamic. I love Royai from FMA and I have compared Royai to this multiple times. I would say though I prefer Levihan over Royai because I felt that Royai had more unequal power dynamics? (Though I still think Royai is a top tier ship ). Also, they have shown to tell off the other when they don’t like what the other is doing. They are complete opposites but here is the magical thing. They talk everything out. They’re generally open people to each other and they know each other way too well as hinted in scenes before and opposites work as long as the others are willing to compromise. I think (especially in season 3 and season 4) that they have done enough for each other and have compromised enough for each other in the survey corps that these skills could easily be brought with them even after the war.

That open communication is just what makes them maintaining a relationship while being complete opposites very OC and realistic. Eventually, they did probably did make compromises, which most likely softened or moderated the crazy parts of their personalities which is just a really fun part of their relationship to explore. 

6. It could realistically last so maybe ...

7. A good foundation for happy children?

Maybe it’s how it is written because of the actual story and why would Yams write a romantic drama in a story about genocide and war. Tbh, I would attribute it more to Levi and Hange’s personalities though because Mikasa and Eren have their fair share of drama, mostly one sided though coz Mikasa. This relationship has no drama, no misunderstandings which just further supports my point that they have a relationship that thrives on open communication and mutual trust. Drama is fun like when we’re the ones on the sidelines eating the popcorn but I have third wheeled enough people in my life to realize that I will not support a relationship where both parties are just not ready to be mature about it, in real life and in fiction. 

My favorite couples, in real life and in fiction, are definitely those who keep conflict among themselves and maybe among trusted people. I think one sign of a healthy relationship is one where problems don’t become public through social media or through like 20 people. One important yet underrated part of relationships is the atmosphere of comfort and freedom which encourages both parties to be able to directly approach one another before tensions and uncertainties get out of hand.  

And a life free of dramas at least in the early stages of life just kinda shows at least that both parties are ready to bring a new life to the world? Because like immature parents with shitty conflict resolution skills really fuck kids up man and I passionately believe the world would really be a better place if babies were born out of trust, mutual understanding and open communication instead of sex but yeah, make sex fun to keep our race alive.

So anyway, I guess, I just finished explaining why I love this ship so much while also disclosing my preferences for relationships. 

As mentioned above...

Disclaimer: I do not want to start shipping wars. I specifically avoided the words like should or best because I recognize that shipping is generally based on preferences. I respect everyone’s preferences on what they want out of a ship or even a relationship and through this, I just hope to express my own preferences and maybe even gush with people who agree.

Other pairings which I support for those curious: Shikatema, Royai, Victuuri, Percabeth etc.

Also... To answer your second question... 

My week has been great, some pretty solid life developments but US elections wise, not so great... (WHY IS THE ELECTION RACE SO CLOSE?)

[janiedean]

ooh so linked to the Brienne ask re: the kingsguard part. What are your thoughts on Aerys’ kingsguard, especially like Arthur Dayne who Jaime from what I remember has complicated feelings for but pretty much idolises him. And they’re so loved by almost everyone in universe!!! Like idk how to think about them really my feelings for them are also complicated

+ okay good because I honestly don’t see why people love them so much like most of the things we’ve heard about them are like. Objectively bad. And like yeah the idea of them is cool but well that can only go so far. also I’m sorry if these asks are a mess I’m exhausted!! ALSO I think you’re amazing for answering all of us anons with such detail I always love coming on to your blog

(putting both asks in the same place uu)

in order: the fact that they're loved by everyone in-universe and fandom actually likes them (or at least arthur dayne hahahahaha god) is like... some of george's best trolling because guess what the entire point is that they're supposed to look like amazing people/the real deal when instead they're all terrible the end - except again for the poor martell prince whom we don't know enough about and I'll give him a pass bc martell people are usually not stupid af but in order:

as I said george has made a point of stating that knighthood is a rotten institution and the kg especially aerys being like... what should be the highest honor for a knight is equally as rotten as knigthood in general and is made of people who do Not Deserve The Title - I mean again hey it's orders so marital rape is fine, hey we're leaving the 15yo to man an entire castle? WHY NOT, the king is mad? WELL WE SWORE TO SERVE HIM, like not counting martell prince there isn't one single person in the aerys kg except jaime who actually upheld the oaths they swore ie protecting the innocent so make of that what you will

the fact that jaime aka the fifteen year old is literally the only one who gets the job and then goes there like 'hey we're basically covering for marital rape what the fuck' and no one else bats an eyelid should already say everything there is to say about these people's moral standard

the fact that none of them actually stuck up for the fifteen-year old who was obviously not ready for the job nor tried to idk do anything to make it easier on him or whatever also says everything about their moral standard because honestly fuck you

the fact that everyone thinks they're amazing jaime included when they're all pretty much shitty is like... well, same as fandom does, which means that the readers bought what people in-narrative do... except that the moment you scratch the surface it's really damned bad

and I'm saying barristan is on thin ice because from his chapters you can see he's like... not a bad dude but like his reaction to jaime being in there still when he saw aerys is 'ah that fucker who killed the king and was so proud he had to try and get into it at fifteen'? like??? fuck you?? honestly the fact that all of them literally served a dude who put people on fire and was a menace/danger to the realm and then have the gall to think that jaime is the worst or who didn't like try to help him or anything while he was obv struggling with his vows and the fact that he was serving a madman says all about their moral standards, again

and honestly arthur dayne is the literal worst of all of them because like - first of all oh you knight the 15yo who goes along with you slaying bandits and you don't try to dissuade him from joining the kg? what the fucking fuck am I supposed to think - second of all you don't even warn him of what is expecting him when he joins when you've been there for a while? - but third of all which drives me insane and I hate that fandom sleeps on it and goes around happily like ARTHUR/LYANNA THE SHIP OF DREAMS... okay listen like I have literally zero investment in lyanna as a character or in r + l and I don't necessarily think he did everything - I think they had a mutual infatuation and eloped and she sorely regretted it and then it was on r. who shouldn't have like acted on it because he happened to be the 20+ year old with a wife and kids, but there's the whole tower of joy situation - in which sorry but we have arthur fucking off KL with other kg people and leaving all the others in the literal shit bc they'd have to deal with aerys and it'd be less of them than they should be, to go with rhaegar to the tower of joy to help him elope which whatever, and then lyanna was left there after r. had to go back... when her brother and father were burned alive and like if she knew that then I doubt she'd have wanted to stay and if she didn't then they withheld fairly important fucking information, so like he stayed there guarding a pregnant 15-16 yo who most likely did not want to be there and who is pregnant by his best friend whose family oh accidentally murdered half of hers........ and lyanna was there even after rhaegar died so I mean it's not like the moment he happened this dude goes and says 'hey maybe we should actually go back and see if we can solve this mess' no he kept her prisoner there anyway - on top of that... here I'm wildly speculating but: he had to know rhaegar was dead and when ned showed up if we are to believe him and idt he was unreliable on that... ned didn't want to fight him or kill him he just wanted to get his sister and leave and like he was most likely in love with ashara aka arthur's sister so why the fuck would he want to kill him right, and like rhaegar's dead and arthur has nothing to lose by letting ned up especially knowing that lyanna is fucking dying in childbirth like she's dying her brother's there just let him up and solve it later esp when the dude doesn't want to kill you....... but no ned had to kill him because he wouldn't budge and why the fucking fuck wouldn't you budge at that point? your side lost the war, the guy you were friends with that you did all of this for is dead, the girl is about to die at least let her die with her family, why? - only thing I can deduce from it: that rhaegar told him that the baby's survival was the most important thing because third head of the dragon blah blah blah and that if the war was lost to just grab the baby and lyanna if she survived and fuck off to essos until he grew up, except that lyanna didn't survive so the conclusion is that he tried to stop ned from going up there bc he'd have found out about the baby and tried to stop them and at that point who gives a fuck if lyanna died or not but he'd have liked... let her die and kill ned in the process and done that most likely, and sorry but when they knightly vows are, I would like to remind everyone, In the name of the Warrior I charge you to be brave. In the name of the Father I charge you to be just. In the name of the Mother I charge you to defend the young and innocent. In the name of the Maid I charge you to protect all women…. like... what, what exactly has this dude done that would qualify as that? because lyanna would be young and innocent and a woman and he basically is letting her die, that behavior does not qualify as bravery and he'd like... deny the kid a chance of growing up with his family period if he killed ned and he didn't seem to particularly give a fuck las we checked, and that's like not counting the whole 'oh I won't tell the 15yo who idolizes me that he's signing

his life away to trauma nor I will support him for shit when he does' part of it, but the tower of joy stuff is shady whichever way you look at it and honestly the more time passes the more I'm convinced this guy is just a complete pos and the worst of them all except gregor when it comes to like 'people thinking you're a good knight and you're actually a pos instead' and I'm dying on that hill until george proves me wrong

and on that the thing is that... I ranted about it once here but basically jaime idolizes the shit out of him because he never saw that even if his subconscious kinda knows because when he had the weirwood dream his greatest fear was confronting the former kg and everyone was accusing him of stuff he couldn't have physically prevented (more ranting on the weirwood dream here) and he's there like 'ah I wanted to be arthur dayne but I became the smiling knight instead' but like... actually he is more of a true knight than arthur dayne can ever hope to be? because like in the above meta I was talking specifically about how to pia he's like... better than arthur dayne, but like not to be that person but jaime who thinks he's the gregor clegane of his time and not arthur dayne, while arthur dayne was... doing the shady toj thing with lyanna - saved an entire city from aerys blowing it up - risked his neck for brienne even if he didn't even like her as in he got himself kicked in a healing stump when he couldn't even stand up for himself so she wouldn't be raped - risked his neck going back for her at harrenhal and jumped into the bear pit without even knowing how he'd manage it - was actually being a decent person to tommen until c. forced him to leave - the moment he saw what happened with pia he gave her her rapist's head when she's like a commoner no one gaf about and took her into her service - when his squire wanted to bed her he like told him to be kind to her jfc - is per tyrion the only relative who actually loved him/freed him/actually stuck up for him (and tysha is on tywin thank you all very much and jaime feels so great about it he doesn't think about it until he can't anymore) (also he was the one chasing the bandits away in the first place so he was probably there like oH I HELPED A MAIDEN too lmao god fuck tywin) - actually stuck for his cat vow bc he took riverrun without bloodshed - sent brienne after sansa with the magic amazing sword because he wanted to upheld their shared vow to cat going against his own family - the moment brienne shows up like hey wanna blow this joint and leave the army you don't wanna lead to find sansa he didn't even like blink before saying yes and I'm supposed to think that in between him and arthur dayne he isn't the only one who actually stuck to his vows as well as he could/knows anything about them/is actually a trueknight™? because lmao the fact that jaime doesn't fancy himself one because of aerys when everyone fancies arthur dayne one when the latter did absolutely fucking nothing beyond slaying bandits to put his money where his mouth was while jaime didn't even like brand himself like that and still did all of that and half of it was acting on instinct not even like doing the math before and *he* was the one wanting to be knighted at fifteen and took his vows seriously when oh wait knightly vows are basically the epitome of selflessness is like again grrm trolling the hell out of everyone characters included but it's clear from the narrative imvho and I can't wait for the moment he serves the just desserts and a) jaime realizes it b) everyone else in-narrative realizes it c) bran timetravels to the fucking toj and we find out what actually went down there and this saint arthur narrative is burned to the ground because honestly no

there, I think I spat out almost all of my venom XD

[konaizumi]

A Tale of a Thousand Stars ep 8 thoughts/reaction

did i watch this episode secretly on my phone while i was in class bc i couldn’t stand waiting a whole hour to watch the new ep? maybe

tian visiting torfun’s memorial to leave flowers and tell her that he’s going to pha pun dao was sweet

also him and phupha missing each other again was just a really nice scene and phupha wondering who left her flowers

i have decided to forgive dr nam for last episode (the snooping not the flirting thing) bc i know he was just concerned about his friend and he didn’t intend for phupha to have that kind of reaction, but he still should’ve confronted tian directly before telling phupha

the way tian is looking at longtae in the beginning, seeing how supportive he’s being and knowing that he’s probably about to lose longtae as well

god this scene was so painful to watch, just knowing what was coming

but the editing that combines tian’s speech with phupha reading through the notebook

also, thank you to the writers for confirming that the tian/torfun similarities are bc he’s been reading the notebook and not because torfun’s spirit is possessing him, i didn’t think they would do that but nice to have confirmation

poor tian really did go there with the best intentions

oof, when the music goes silent when phupha interrupts his speech

also, i said this last week, but it should’ve been the rangers responsibility to tell everyone torfun had died and the fact that they didn’t only added to tian’s burden and the animosity aimed at him, and it annoyed me the way the rangers (perhaps unintentionally) let tian take on the full blame and didn’t admit that they had known about torfun’s death from the start

god and the way tian’s heart break is visible on his face as soon as phupha interrupts/confronts him and he realizes that phupha won’t be on his side

and mix’s acting in this scene (and the entire episode) is just so good, you can see the way he’s desperately trying to keep in together and not completely break down, and his heartbreak when he realizes he’s all alone

also, i made a longer post about how i understand phupha’s reaction, I think it’s pretty natural and that he’s not overreacting, however, i do wish he hadn’t confronted tian so publicly like that 

just everything about this scene is just so good in the most painful way, especially the sad orchestral version of the theme song

now i think this ep is too sad for me to say it’s my favorite, but from a narrative/cinematography perspective it is my favorite, it was just really well done

i was really hoping the kids would have a bigger role this ep and begin the forgiveness process for the rest of the village, so i was excited when Meejoo came but then p’aof decided to stab me directly in the heart when she asked what death is

(also im sorry but how old are these kids that she doesn’t know what the word death is?)

(also given that everything that happens in this ep happens within like a 30 hour period, i still hold hope for the kids forgiving next ep once they have some time to process)

at least they didn’t make me watch the scene where tian had to explain what death was, that would’ve killed me

i understand the villager’s reactions too, and i do kind of wish tian would just stay home and give them some time to grieve and process before trying to interact with them–i don’t blame tian for keeping the truth from them this long, but he does need to respect the pain they’re going through

also this scene with phupha really fucked me up, the way phupha remains stone faced even though he’s clearly in a lot of pain

“i wish i could return it to her” one of the things about this story that really fucks me up is that you can’t have both torfun and tian--torfun had to die for tian to live, and if torfun had lived then tian would have died and all the characters are in a way stuck with this moral dilemma of “choosing” between tian and torfun, even if the decision was already made for them, and tian has had to deal with this problem since the beginning and made his choice a long time ago that he would have preferred that torfun had lived instead of him bc he feels like she had more to live for and left behind more than he would’ve

also the scene is so much more painful knowing that just that morning phupha had finally said out loud that he wanted tian to stay

and i was really ton this scene between understanding phupha’s reaction and where he’s coming from but also being like “please stop talking to my son like that, he feels bad enough as is”

i have often had the emotion of “i want to walk through the screen so i can give this character a hug” and i have literally never felt it stronger than this episode of atots

also thank you to dr nam who told phupha not that he was wrong for his actions, but that he should’ve confronted tian differently, also for figuring out that tian wasn’t the driver

the fact that tian just walked through the tea field so he knows that either khama was lying to him or that longtae saw him in the field and hid from him

poor longtae tho, thought he knew what was coming then was hit with “im responsible for her death”

you know what? i didn’t realize khama would have such a recurring role from the first episode, but i really like him--he’s trying to do his best for the village and that isn’t always easy and he’s the first to try to think about tian’s perspective even when it’s clearly difficult for him

also i love khaotung, he does a really good job as longtae, and as much as i loved him as chonlatee, i prefer him in more mature roles like longtae or fong

did dr nam really think phupha would keep letting tian stay in his room?

it came as a surprise to likely no one but i am glad to have definitve confirmation that tian was in fact not driving the car

against my wishes, tul did not show up this episode to give tian a hug so i hope he’s in the next ep to provide some much needed emotional support

tian’s involvement in torfun’s death is also complicated because to say he had no responsibility in it would be wrong but to say he had full responsibility wouldn’t be right either, there was so much of the situation that was just due to chance, as it the case in any accident, so i appreciate the nuance of the narrative in that tian does take responsibility (even if he takes too much) but other characters like longtae argue that it’s not his fault, bc it’s easy from an outside perspective to say it’s not tian’s fault but it would be much harder to be in tian’s position and not feel responsible that his actions lead to torfun’s death

longtae is truly best boi

tian saying he’s okay with just longtae understanding him is so sad but at the same time it’s good that he’s not trying to force other people to understand or forgive him

now i really want to know what torfun’s wish is bc you know it’s going to be all meaningful and thematically relevant

istg if i had a fucking nickel for every time tian has tried to give me a heart attack

i spent the entirety of part 4 yelling at tian to just stop being stupid

like i get it, you don’t feel like you have the time to waste to go find phupha, but still

also im worried that maybe the reason he was so adamant about doing it himself and not finding phupha was because he didn’t feel like he could go to phupha or that phupha might not believe him

tian please just listen to longtae being the voice of reason

or at least send longtae back to the village to go get phupha if you’re this determined

as soon as he pulled out his phone i fucking knew the flash would go off bc tian can’t be smart without also being dumb

pls don’t hit my son he has a weak heart

longtae running away like “i didn’t sign up for this shit”

pls stop hitting my son

i was wondering how tian’s dad would become involved in the story again and tian name dropping him to escape being killed by poachers was not it

but sakda was clearly scared when tian first said the name so obvi they’re connected and i’m assuming the person who called tian’s dad was either sakda or one of the other men there which means that tian’s dad is doing illegal shit (surprise surprise)

tian i know you’re stressed but pls let rang provide first aid

that montage at the end tho really hit me

also the parallels between this scene and the one when tian fainted in the field, it’s literally the exact same scene but the roles are reversed

also the fucking post credits scene, the emotional whiplash, the pain from knowing phupha said this stuff literally hours before everything went wrong

the way i squealed when phupha said i do (and throught the rest of the scene), it was literally the sweetest thing, it might be my favorite phutian moment so far

so for the last two episodes, im assuming that tian’s dad coming to get him and the dad being involved in illegal stuff will be the main external conflict, i wouldn’t be surprised if next ep ended with the dad showing up and demanding to take tian back

also the next ep preview, khama telling tian to forgive himself, im weak

this episode just made me feel so much, the story is just so complex and nuanced, and the characters are real and messy, and pls more bl in the future that aren’t afraid to tell more serious stories (as much as i love the romcom style of most bls i would love some more variety)

[the-music-maniac]

I got sucked back into Ever After High, so hoo boy get ready for a long ass analysis about a ship

Did I mean to get sucked into Rapple? Uh, no. Fuck no. I usually make it a point not to sell my entire soul to small fandoms because the inevitable lack of fics will just break my heart. But here we are.

I'm low key distressingly neutral about the canon/popular ships for Ever After High. Namely Dexter x Raven and Apple x Darling. I have absolutely nothing against them, cause they’re both really adorable. I don’t know if appling is canon actually but it is strongly hinted at, and while I’m ecstatic that there’s some form of lgbt rep (however small), and that Dexter isn’t sadboi anymore cause he’s with Raven, I’ve always just liked Apple x Raven way more.

I guess I’m posting this cause I want to analyze why I like Rapple specifically? This isn’t meant to attack either of these ships or shippers in any way btw! This is just my personal opinion, I just felt the need to mention dexter x raven and apple x darling cause they are (for the most part) canon. :))

Tbh i really didn't mean to make such a gigantic analysis about this, but I got carried away lmao.

1. Rapple has a lot of narrative tension and weight:

I feel like rapple has more narrative weight as a ship then most I’ve seen in the Ever After High fandom. These two characters are undeniably the focal point of the story, and while all characters in the show have backstories and well developed characterizations, Raven and Apple are the "leaders" and the main main characters.

Raven with Apple could make for a really a complex and interesting storyline. After all,  Ever After High is ALL about breaking free of your pre-determined destiny, it would be the perfect twist in the story for Apple to fall for Raven and vice versa. There's so much more to write with that kind of turn in the story; the growth of a relationship, character development, the backlash they might recieve from a hero and villain together, fighting what everyone else tells them they should be. Honestly if we're gonna go there, it kind of mirrors what lgbt people have to go through on the daily. In my eyes, appling and dexter x raven (I'm sorrryyy I don't know the proper ship name) pales a bit in comparison, just in the amount of weight they carry (not that it HAS to have narrative weight to be a good cute ship of course).

Darling for Apple is also unconventional and a plot twist, cause it no longer follows the stereotypical hetero-normative fairy-tale, and I absolutely ADORE Darling as a character, but in the end she is still a Charming. Apple is still pre-destined to fall for a Charming, she's still following what her destiny tells her she should be, and while that's good on one hand, cause Apple wants to follow her destiny, I feel like when she pulled Raven back from the brink in Wonderland, she realized that destiny is not so set in concrete and what matters more is the people behind those destinies. I think Rapple would really drive in that point; destiny or no destiny that’s not what matters. So while appling does have some narrative tension as well, it doesn’t make me gleefully go “oh my god FUCK, you wonderful DISASTERS, now you’ve gone and done it. Now you've fucking stepped in it. AMAZING.”, y’know? Dexter and Raven is the exact opposite.  Destiny-wise it's pretty unique and frowned upon, but again, heterosexual romance (not that I expect all the characters to be lgbt, that's not what I'm saying) so it also doesn't hold as much weight as Rapple. I'm greedy ok? I want both. I want aspects of both. Maybe I'm just a shit-stirrer though lmao, maybe I just need a ship that fucking destroys all expectations and fucks shit up in the process XDD. It's possible *shrugs*

2. The amount of growth they go through together.

So it's pretty undeniable that Apple at the beginning is....um. Selfish, if we're gonna go with mild language. Kind of a bitch if we're gonna go with stronger language. She doesn't give a shit that Raven will have a horrible life if she follows her destiny, all she cares about is her part of the story and her happy ending. But the thing is, Apple doesn't stay like that. She becomes Raven's roommate and friend, and when it really came down to it, during the Wonderland part of the story, even though Apple is the one who gives Raven the book, she doesn't push and shows her support in thinking that Raven is too good to become the evil queen. And then when Raven was almost lost, Apple is the one who pulled her back and told her to choose who she wants to be. She let go of her need for Raven to be evil and saw her as her own person; someone she cares about deeply. Raven on the other hand starts off unsure and kind of insecure. She was still figuring herself out, and trying to resist what everyone is trying to tell her; that she has to be evil. I feel like through her personal growth and Apple's influence she starts to be more settled, confident. And Apple's support before and after she signed her storybook in wonderland definitely helped. This mutual growth actually brings me to my next point:

3. Rapple has a very strong basis for a relationship

So there's a definite reason why I love the concept of enemies to friends to lovers SO MUCH, and despite what people say, no it's not just because of UST (i mean that's a bonus but far from the only reason). What I care about is again, the mutual GROWTH.

What enemies to lovers does (healthy enemies to lovers btw, rivalries and stuff, not abusive shit) is force the two people to confront the worst parts of each other first and foremost. Meeting someone for the purpose of dating/because you like them means you'll put up a fake, mellower version of yourself to impress them, but there's none of that if you start off hating each other. Clashing is also often because of some underlying issue or sometimes because of a weakness in character; there's numerous reasons, pettiness, unhappiness, jealousy, anger, but it's never because everything is perfect. This means that, in order for these two characters who dislike each other to end up together in any capacity, they have to grow as people first, become better versions of themselves, and in the process they help each other achieve that. They also have to learn each other and let go of whatever was nagging them and compromise. It takes work and I love that, so much more than just a kiss to fall in love, or love at first sight or any of that fairytale stuff. Because that’s exactly it, relationships take work. It takes people repeatedly choosing to stay and work things out, and compromising, and that’s, in pure essence, exactly what you’re doing in enemies to lovers. Not only that, but it means they willingly choose the other person despite their setbacks, because god knows they're not the easiest option, means they see the worst in each other and want each other anyways.

Raven and Apple already have that set up in Ever After High, the only difference is, canonically, they're only friends (which honestly is just as good, not everything needs to be romance but this is a shipping analysis, so, I’m gonna stay on brand here). They disagree with each other, and they annoy each other, and they fight sometimes and they're still best friends despite it all. They really truly know each other, and that I feel like is such a strong basis for a relationship. Other than Maddie, I don't think Raven truly is as close to anyone else as she is to Apple, and the same goes in reverse. They even live together. *leans forward creepily* oh my god they were roommates.

I don't know, I just feel like, with other Raven and Apple ships, there's always a hint of potential for a relationship that the show and books never really explored or developed extensively, while Rapple already has these solid af steel foundations that could be built on and made into something amazing.

4. We know the most about Apple and Raven respectively

This is a rather minor detail, and more about me personally, but I'm the kind of person that has to really know a lot about characters in order to ship them. I also have to like both characters but I feel like that's kind of a given for shipping. If I know very little about the characters involved I lose interest. I know the most about Raven and Apple, we follow them closely throughout the series, and in the books, we see things from their viewpoints. In contrast, I just don't know as much about Darling or about Dexter.

5. I just find them cute as shit tbh

This is pretty self explanatory, they're just plain adorable. Something about them makes my heart go squeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

Oof this turned out WAYYY longer than I intended it to be, but anyways, stan rapple- or don’t y’know, stan appling or dexter x raven, or whatever other ships, stan ALL the other ships, ship anything and everything you want, be happy. I’ve been writing this ever since I finished my physio midterm and got this analysis idea that wouldn’t leave me the fuck alone so now my eyeballs feel like they’re about to fall out of my head, I’m gonna go pass out now, peace.

[fanfictionsrookie]

RWBY VOL 8 EPISODE 1

FUCK YOU RT! FUCK YOU! YOU CAN’T BE LETTING ME GO DRY FOR EIGHT YEARS AND THEN SLAP THIS ON THE FIST EP! I ALMOST HAD A HEART ATTACK. THE AMOUNT OF FANGIRLING I EXPERIENCE ALMOST KILLED ME! BUT THAT’S WHAT YOU WANT, RIGHT? YOU WANT TO KILL ME WIITH THE CINDER FEELS. WELL I’M HERE FOR IT XD

It’s difficult to guess what exactly Cinder’s background is from this. But by her hands alone you can tell that she is working nonstop. Nice little detail. Those pigtails are adorable though.

It does make me wonder how prelevant these memories are, what triggers them, and if Cinder even realised she was doing this while experiencing that memory.

Neo being rightfully afraid. I’m scared for her at this point.

And even Cinder is afraid. She knows she messed up and she’s mentally preparing for the repercussions. Of course, she easily slips on that calm facade of hers, which honestly confirms it to me that her attitude in vol 1 to 3 was just a farce and her way of trying to be like Salem.

Salem looks genuinely surprised in this shot. She didn’t think Cinder would be able to get it in the first place...

...granted it was Neo. While Neo has every right to be upset, her being there is entirely dependent on Cinder’s usefulness.

THIS LOOK! This and the shot thereafter, just confirms that Neo and Cinder did have a form of companionship between them, that in Neo’s eyes, they were equal. But what Neo doesn’t understand is that Cinder can’t admit or tell Salem that. Cinder refers to Neo as an asset, because it is the way Cinder can protect Neo from Salem and keep her around.

These outfits where definitely worth the wait. I love Emerald’s outfit but Mercury looks fine AF XD

Poor Emerald. While I kind of expected that kind of retort from Cinder, I have a feeling their interactions will be different with no one looking. Excited for it. Also, can be talk about how JACKED Hazel is? And that outfit... I’m sorry, I don’t know how to feel about it.

Well, what IS Salem’s plan for Cinder? Surely it can’t be just to hang back? Although that time alone is bound to bring up repressed memories.

She looks so disappointed in this shot. Like this power isn’t just something she wants, but something Cinder genuinely thinks she NEEDS.

That’s awesome. You can see Alas’ forcefield up already. Salem, biding her time until it’s destroyed.

So this shot has an entirely different context. Salem is not making her say it to reaffirm loyalty. Cinder is doing it out of her own will, to convince Salem of that. Perhaps to convince herself as well.

And it worked! Salem is 100 percent convinced Cinder is still under her thumb and she is reveling in it. Now I’m wondering who’s really manipulating who.

HIS BEAR HANDS! I’M SORRY I HAD TO!

Nawww baby! Such a soft moment.

Heh Six Swans Vodka.

I know it’s for narrative purposes. Like there is no time to unpack Ozpin returning in this episode as well. But still, keeping secrets is not the best decision right now.

I don’t think I’ve seen Ruby this angry and annoyed at any of her teammates, especially not Yang. As much as I dread it, I’m still exited to see how at odds Ruby is gonna become with everyone else.

I love how they cut between the current scene and future through the dialogue, really compacted everything nicely in terms of pace.

Heh the poster in the back. Rumpel Stilkskin.

The fact that Penny suggested giving Salem the relic, only to get shot down, just confirms it that she will have to resort that in the end.

He’s in a hospital room but he looks pretty dead to me.

I know she’s still beat up but damn I’m living that hairdo.

I KNEW IT! Although I was kinda surprised that James didn’t kill the woman too. Vine seems much to at ease with all of this.

CRWBY really going for the nostalgia huh. Also. ZWEIIII.

An interesting choice to put both on them on the same clover petal. Could Harriet also be defecting?

I’m just glad Qrow has Robin to pick him up. poor mad needs some support.

THIS IS WHAT MY SLEEP PARALYSIS DEMON LOOKS LIKE. WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT? DOES SALEM HAVE WINGS? CAN SHE FLY?

Winter’s colours and uniform looks too much like Ironwood for my liking. I doubt she will defect. Weiss forging her own path ahead.

I KNEW WE WERE GONNA SEE THESE TWO AGAIN!

Salem has her loyal minions...

...while Ironwood only truly trusts himself. I love this visual.

The way everything is positioned makes me think that Penny will sacrifice herself, or will be instrumental in getting Amity’s final launch up and running.

I don’t know it if it was intentional, but this tells me that Cinder is willing or forced to walk away from even RUBY to get the power she wants. 

And would even walk past the people who are actually there for her. And while this does give Neo probably cause to betray Cinder, after seeing what Salem is capable of, I’m willing to be that Neo will stay with Cinder just so that she can be on the “winning side”

Oh gods. We knew this was coming right. I’m hoping this will make Cinder realise that she is on the wrong path. Is Neo there as a symbol of possible support, or will she watch Cinder go up in flames. DON’T DO THIS TO ME CRWBY. PLEASE!

WHAT DOES IT MEAN? Like it can’t be just as shot CRWBY are fond of using, this must mean something! It connects her to both Cinder and Salem and I don’t know what to make of that? Usually this shot is after one of the characters has made a mistake in a monumental conflict and often rise from the surface to the dangerous consequences of their actions. WHAT DID YOU DO RUBY?

For a second I thought that was Cinder’s Grimm hand, and I honestly think that says enough.

This visual..... I don’t think Ruby is gonna make it out of this safety.

If anything it makes me think that Ruby’s drive and will to save Remnant, only looking at the big picture will leave her at odds, if not alienated to her team through this volume.

But there is only one way to find out.

....

Hey guys, so there is a lot more I wanted to bring up, but I think in the future Imma cap it to 30 screen shots. It’s has been damn exhausting writing this but I am so excited and terrified for this volume!

[andoqin]

Sisyphus: The Myth Ep 1- A Dissection

Okay, so I’ve had some time to process what I subjected myself to today, so I’ve decided to list everything in episode 1 that is just completely insane and an example of how Not To Do it. 

I’m not an expert on Film Theory, but i’ve watched a shitton of media, plus I watch a lot of Youtube Video essays, so clearly I’m half

The episode starts off okay enough even if we get a weird exposition dump and “tense” parting scene between a father and daughter. 

We start in what presumably is the time travel terminal where people stand around in pyjamas waiting to get through.

Okay, fairly interesting if unspectacular but I’m guessing that’s the point, this is now an industry. We zoom in and get this line that made me laugh, because well...

a) humans are living creatures and b) the amount of microbial organisms on human skin is estimated to be at hundreds of billions, or more. And this kind of time travel/teleportation is always hinky because well if you think about it, how does that even work without getting into The Fly territory. I’m willing to cut this drama some slack here and maybe it’s an awkward translation besides. 

This gets... exceedingly long, but if you want a (too) in-depth summary of what happens in ep 1 and why it doesn’t work (for me) read on :D.

But then the real trouble starts, because PSH’s dad (I’m not bothering to learn the character names) says he’s not going with her and this is apparently very sudden. He then makes her repeat some lines that are supposed to create tension? Be exposition? Idk.

“Don’t trust anyone.” 

“Don’t get involved with [CSW]’s character.”

PSH get’s teary eyed, because her dad is not coming with her, but the problem with scenes like these is: I don’t know either of them and do not have an emotional connection to their parting. Sure, it tells us something about PSH (she likes her dad and is worried about him) but I also don’t know how important her dad is going to be down the line. So when PSH asks about her mom and what if her mom dies and her dad just replies everyone dies at some point I’m a bit weirded out, but not to the point where I necessarily want to know more. 

We then smashcut to PSH waking up in a world that’s more similar to ours and she does what her dad told her to do. She grabs her (very inconvenient) suitcase and runs along the tracks she woke up next to. We see that she is somewhat surprised by the running trains and also hardy enough to track on despite bleeding feet. 

Alas, creepy people in gas-masks with guns and drones are waiting for her, so she runs even harder and after some near misses (they are able to track her by some sort of radiation meter) makes it to safety. 

On top of a train car that the TWO DOZEN PEOPLE WITH GUNS AND DRONES are too stupid to check apparently. Clearly if she’s not under the train car, the detecting devices must be mistaken. So she just chills on top of the train car, sitting on her suitcase and those goons trundle off after 5 minutes presumably like they’re Assassin’s Creed Enemy NPCs.

Now we get introduced to CSW in the most insane scene i’ve ever witnessed. Honestly. 

He is just ~chilling in 1st class in an airplane, filming a douche who is rude to the plane staff and epically owning him because he’s So Smart.

First of all, I don’t know what that has to do with soggy noodles(which the other asshole complained about), since by that measure the noodles should be *undercooked* (lower boiling point means longer cooking time after all) and secondly good lord I already hate this guy. He then proceeds to Epically Own (tm) with a convenient Forbes (sorry “Eorbes”) Magazine that he is on the cover of and flirts with the plane hostess. 

So right off the bat, our impressions of CSW are supposed to be: He’s Cool (look at his hoodie and general bearing), he’s Smart (debatable), he’s nice to The Help (I guess???) stands up to bullies, and most importantly he’s fucking rich. I guess we’re also supposed to get the impression that he’s arrogant, maybe a bit of an asshole, but still cool and everything. 

If this had been where the scene had stopped I would have rolled my eyes and then just continued on watching. But no, the writers thought: “Schooling some sexist rich asshole isn’t enough to show off how Cool and Smart and Cocky our main character is. Also he likes the ladies.” Look at him, he’s Tony Stark only from South Korea!!!

So shortly after he sits down, and we have the first moment with CSW where he connected with me emotionally (he sees the ghost of his dead brother and the way he says “because ... you’re dead.” and I thought OOOH this I can work with), the cockpit windshield is hit by what looks to be a suitcase (DUN DUN DUUUN) and something crashes into one of the engines, causing it to explode and catch fire. 

The pilot is knocked out and unconscious and even the co-pilot loses consciousness (after conveniently unlocking the cockpit lock). CSW is the only one who goes to check on the pilots, having grabbed a fanny pack from his onboard luggage and quickly assessing the situation he revives the copilot and welds the hole in the windshield shut with some ducttape out of his fannypack and a plastic notepad. IT’S VERY EFFECTIVE! They did it in WW2, or so CSW tells us so you know it’s true.

I’m not sure that ‘s how plane windshields and duct tape and plastic notepad thingies work, but well the plane is still in freefall we have more important things to worry about :).

The electrics are all on the fritz, the copilot cannot get control of the plane and so CSW takes a seat in the captains chair (having foisted the captain out of it, not even he is so crass to sit on some unconscious dude’s lap i guess) and quickly calculates that they have 3 min and 30 secs for CSW to restart the electronics before the plane crashes. So he hands the co-pilot HIS PHONE with a timer on it for 3.5 minutes so the co-pilot can tell him when 30 seconds have passed. Instead of idk, contacting Air Traffic Control or ANYONE he just sits there and lets his big boy brain work. 

After 30 seconds he has an idea, because he’s Tony Stark-ing it up like crazy now and can just figure out the electronics of a plane cockpit in 30 seconds, but guess what. HIS PHONE RINGS. AND HE ANSWERS IT, because he’s devil-may-care and “haha look at this, friend, i’m in the cockpit of a crashing plane we have 2 minutes before i’m dead.”

Said friend is calling him from the board meeting of CSWs company, bc of course the board is ~unhappy with CSWs antics (I gotta say I can’t blame them) and the friend doesn’t believe it at first, when he says he’s in a crashing plane, but checks on the news to see it’s true. 

I ... I don’t think news work like that, we’ve gone 5 minutes from the initial troubles till now, there won’t be news reports all over the media yet. THEY’RE NOT EVEN TALKING TO AIR TRAFFIC CONTROL YET. Hell he even tells his friend to call 119 or the airport for help. I just... I’m very forgiving of a lot of things in a drama when it comes to writing. I’m willing to ignore obvious blindspots in a narrative, if I think the narrative is strong enough to support whatever it’s trying to say. At this point what could calling the police or the airport do, they have like 90 seconds left...

I don’t know what the writers are trying to tell me with this scene though? It’s so stupid, so unrealistic and CSW is so unpleasant and weird in it, because he tells his friend that he has to confess to taking out the friend’s college girlfriend on a date while they were still together. 

Well since the drama is longer than one ep, they do make it out alive, but the fact that the co-pilot managed to safely LAND the plane (which is insane to me) gets skipped over and we just get news snippets that herald CSW as a hero who singlehandedly saved the planes passengers. 

We then get to see him in his natural habitat “convalescing” in his giant apartment where he is being showered with gifts by worshippers basically. He continues to be an asshole, but his friend tells him, one more stunt and the board will kick him. 

The board will kick the guy who just saved a plane full of lives????? Yeah right, I’m sorry but that’s just fucking stupid from the writers. Why would anyone do that, even if the board hates him, kicking him now, when he’s literally a national hero would be the worst thing they could do for the stock prices. It’s only here so the writers can shoehorn in that CSW is close to OD-ing on pharmaceuticals and that the board wants to monitor his therapy and they have a way of “forcing” him to comply. 

Also he has what looks to be a dental x-ray machine next to his bed. Someone correct me if I’m wrong but lol what’s up with these set design choices. 

His friend tells him to go to fucking therapy or else and the next scene he is actually at a therapist. 

Who’s his ex-girlfriend (they have a whole tangent about that).

Who writes a report about his therapy to the board. 

But hey at least the therapy gets us a flashback of the last time he saw his brother. Big surprise he was an asshole to him as well, so no wonder he’s traumatised by that.

After therapy he *conveniently* runs into the co-pilot who’s incoherent and beaten up and hands CSW a usb-drive. It contains video of the cockpit on the day of the crash and it’s obvious what struck the plane was a suitcase and what crashed into the engine was a human being (DUN DUN DUUUUUUN maybe someone forgot to convert feet to meters when setting up the time travel thingamabob).

As he looks at the (very pixelated) figure of the person about to crash into the engine, he suddenly sees his brother’s face and honestly this scene just made me laugh? I know it’s supposed to be haunting and more evidence of CSW’s deep trauma, but I guess at this point my brain was just completely checked out. 

And that’s what we end our introductory phase of CSW. What the fuck was that plane thing even for. To show us he’s callous in the face of danger? He’s an asshole even when he’s about to die, so he’s got a long way to go? He’s haunted by the spectre of his dead brother and the guilt he feels for not being there when he died? I got a lot of that before we had the insane Plane Adventure!!! There are literally millions of ways they could have gotten this information to the viewers and not made an absurd spectacle of the plot that means that everything afterwards just feels lame, because you already had the insanity that was this plane ride, so it can only go down tension wise.

Now we’re back to PSH, but honestly her parts are kinda boring and bog-standard “UwU I’m unfamiliar with this way of life, I don’t even know how to eat a banana (that looks *nothing* like a banana btw), so I just eat it peel and root and all. Also I’m from the Future, that means I obviously know todays LOTTERY NUMBERS.”

I know kdramas like clichés and tropes, I like them too, that’s why I watch kdramas, but you gotta give me a bit more if you want me to at least invest in PSH, because I’m sure as hell not invested in CSW. 

She gets taken in by some guy, because we can’t have her homeless all the time, and she needs someone to explain this world to her and also how to eat bananas properly and she opens her suitcase. It’s got both future-tech-y looking stuff and a pink notepad that seems to hold specific information on what needs to happen on certain days. 

She also makes this expression and I don’t know if we’re supposed to laugh because she’s not threatening or if we’re supposed to laugh because she’s not threatening, but we know she’s gonna kick ass later, haha you just thought she was harmless. I gotta say it’s the former for me.

Rarrr fierce Elite Warrior PSH coming to get you.

She tries to get in touch with CSW, already breaking one of her dad’s three commandments. Oh, I guess staying with this guy breaks the other two. Welp, so much for that then. What even was the point of that first scene...

Anyway she tries to get in touch with CSW but ofc you cant just call the richest person ever (Elon Musk and Jeff Bezos would get very angry voicemails from me if that were the case), but she manages to get his voicemail. Or a voicemail he spoke for. But oh no, she is just Not Familiar with this world and keeps having a conversation with the voicemail as if it’s CSW himself. 

CSW who has scienced his way to finding the suitcase that crashed the plane and as she begs his voicemail not to open the suitcase, of course he opens it and gasp the combination for the suitcase lock is his birthday!!! Something his brother used to do!!! 

MAYBE THAT MAN WAS HIS BROTHER AFTER ALL!!!! OH NO!! 

But thank fuck the episode is over now.

VERDICT:

Just no. Don’t do this. The latter half of the show is more standard fare, but the first 25 minutes destroy any capability of this show making sense. I can see what the writers are trying to do, but it’s so hamfisted and badly written I’m just not willing to go along.

If you want a show that also has a fantasy action aspect (and this show is all fantasy no matter how much it tries to science it up), watch LUCA instead. That show at least knows how to set a tone, how to get us invested in the characters and does exposition in a way that doesn’t feel obtrusive. 

[lilietsblog]

non-spoilery as of end of pgte book 2 prolonged scream about what Cat does there

so there are multiple things there that Catherine's narration kind of glosses over, and tbf it's for good reason! Catherine is not a braggy kind of person in her narration, if she goes "I'm fucking awesome" it's to psyche herself up for some new bullshit, not to rest on her laurels, and it's honestly fantastic and helps the narrative a lot, that said, we should all totally step back and appreciate that

1) Catherine is seriously for real inheriting Callow here. Like this is not a trick? This is not a clever wording loophole? Catherine is literally at that point in the process of putting her ducks in a row for her "Callow is now mine bitches" plan, and while it's not exactly immediately transitioning to her being in charge of everything solo, she is very much getting the inheritance of ruling Callow from her father teacher I said teacher

2) Catherine put her life on the line for her people twice over - on an increasingly thin one. First she goes into the city of Liesse itself while knowing about the pattern - she's unwilling to let William claim his victory here in this way :) and this might sound obvious, especially for someone who's just read the book, but - there's nothing selfish about this. Catherine gains nothing from besieging Liesse (except very marginal OR very low likelihood potential gains that would 100% not be worth the risk) and loses nothing from retreating to the Legions, this is purely for the sake of the population of Liesse itself. Second she goes specifically to seek William out to deal with the devil problem (WHICH WAS ALSO BEAUTIFUL AND AMAZING AND I JUST WANTED TO POINT THIS FACT OUT. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL AND AMAZING HOW SHE DID THAT RIP AKUA'S LOOPHOLE CAT'S GONNA DRIVE A TRAIN THROUGH IT)  (oh and also this would help the rebel forces which HER forces were actively fighting at the time, just to harp on this point a bit more) - again, while knowing that a pattern of three is active and she's fated to lose. She did her best struggling but she KNEW she was going to lose. And the plan for her to survive was like... 1. die 2. become undead 3. convince a choir they want to support her over their champion. Like, can we all appreciate how insane a plan that is? Catherine went with it straight-faced, and like... Paradoxically, I'm pretty sure it's because it was insane that it actually worked. Because Catherine knew it was absurd, knew she was basically laying down her life for this one city, and she did it anyway. She threw her life down and dared angels to say she wasn't worthy of what she wished to claim.

Because none of this was a trick. Cat’s narration kind of focuses on the part that WAS tricky wording / loopholes, and it sure is convenient that Heiress was there to represent "the enemy" that Cat was presumably protecting Callow from... she was though? Like I'm sure Akua's presence helped drive the symbolism down with the subtlety of a dropped anvil, but factually Cat's goal is to stand between the worst of Praes and Callow, and even her helping tamp down this rebellion ALREADY IS actively working to minimize casualties (Black had changed his strategy due to her involvement). Getting William to confirm that the chapel is Callowan land is more along the lines of not letting Akua get away with a loophole (also fucking hilarious, "could be relied upon to fuck over at least one person in the room" no I didn't reread I just remember that because I adore it). Of course the chapel is in Callow in every meaningful sense! It's attached to Liesse and events in it are going to ripple out into and then from Liesse geographically, that's the entire problem! If the chapel wasn't Callowan Cat wouldn't give a shit and wouldn't have given her fucking life (SHE'S LITERALLY DEAD AT THAT POINT, A SKILLED NECROMANCER WHO MANAGED TO OVERPOWER MASEGO COULD PUPPET HER) to get there!

None of this is a trick! The sword in the stone was a decorative flourish and not even a part of Cat's original plan, because the thrust if it was not the #CallowanAesthetic. The thrust if it was the authentic narrative, in the sense of A=>B: when the person whose job is about to be ruling Callow gives their life to protect its people, and the protection takes the form of getting to a point of contact with angels to get them to switch tracks from doing one thing to another (importantly, Akua also wanted to mess with William's ritual, Cat hijacking it first locked her out!), well then in that situation the angels kind of have a job to do.

And if their chosen champion is the SOURCE of the original problem and this new person who's coming in for a last minute save is literally his deadly nemesis and about to kill him... well fucking sucks for them, I guess! They are angels. They have a job, and when something's gone wrong with how they're doing it, the course corrections can be rough.

Cat did not do a sleight of hand here. Cat full on committed to a course of action that was going to achieve her chosen goal - interrupting both William and Akua - even if the resurrection trick didn't work and it killed her. Cat straight up laid down her life for her people, then asked for it back.

And the way Guideverse works, when things line up just so... well, the chapter is named that for a reason :)

I will also contrast it to Akua’s “pattern of three” plan, because it’s an excellent example of how things DON’T work - of how they work when you are doing it wrong, and how tricks that really ARE tricks blow up in your face. A pattern of three works on symmetry and reversal - claim the victory at first, get inevitably defeated at the last moment. And it’s not that it’s impossible to abuse that, but you gotta PAY. You always gotta pay if you want the result to be real. Akua tried to avoid payment - she lost NOTHING in that first confrontation with Cat that she so demonstrably lost except underlings she didn’t care about (RIP those people). Akua got a technical loss that was actually a victory in every sense that mattered... well hey, guess what the pattern reversed into!

That’s the difference between basing your story on something real - something that would have worked this way in a non-narrativium world too - and trying to cheat your way through loopholes. Would non-narrativium world Akua have fled from that confrontation with Catherine, if she’d seriously considered her a rival and enemy? Nope, not unless she had the same “outsmarting herself” sort of plan Cat would later get to foil. Would non-narrativium world Catherine have gone into Liesse to put her life on the line against both her nemeses at once to save its people? Well... yeah. It’s the same thing with or without story lenses. That’s why it works.

And that’s why it’s fucking awesome.

(I do not just mean on the meta level “look how cleverly Guide is written”. I mean on the object level, reading the end of Book 2 is cathartic and awesome and breathtaking, because every part of it is painstakingly built up to and earned. Things happen the way they FEEL like they should happen - and the only thing the narrativium does here is expose the wiring.)

[ariadventures]

Even though I'm much better today than I was the past few days after the second vaccine, it's still considered a rest day. But why does it feel like I'm lazy and it's just an excuse?

Just kidding, I definitely know why. I was going to drive Spider to her vaccine appt the day after mine, and my parents told me not to drive the next day because of my low grade fever 99 F. I laughed like what are you talking about, you regularly forced me to go to school, extracurriculars, other obligations when I was 102 103 F as a kid! (The fever did go higher later that evening to 101 F, but I recovered by morning and was able to drive her no problem.)

But it clicked for me - I only labeled today as a rest day because I knew the immediate cause (vaccine) of my physical state, and in reality I have pushed myself while feeling worse through normal days! So my brain makes the connection "not as bad as that last time, when you were still functional and working - why are you laying in bed?". Which isn't entirely fair, and also means I might need to give myself more rest in general.

Every time I say I'm resting, I feel like I'm lying. It feels like lying because I'm not incapacitated, and I could do more, but I'm choosing not to, which to my credit I've been much better about lately. 100% is when all the stars align and you rock one day, and you can't expect yourself to do that all the time. It should not have to be an emergency to rest - it should be routine.

Every time I say I'm feeling weak, or rough, I feel like I'm lying. Because I'm so used to pushing any physical ailments aside it feels like it should be negligible, but it's catching up with me and I just want time off of obligations and work and life, right now.

Every time I think to myself I need help and support, I feel like I'm lying - because I've done a lot of things on my own and can function independently even through hardship, I feel like I don't need it. I think about obligations and things other people have to do, and I center the narrative around not bothering then as a convenient way to avoid my own vulnerability.

But I'm really not! I'm not lying at all. I feel little bursts or sparks go off in my head intermittently throughout the day that make me feel dizzy. I've had a low headache all day. I've been tired a lot, moreso than usual. I'm definitely feeling weak, and if I hadn't been resting it might've gotten worse.

It's been less than a week since my grandmother died, and why am I kicking myself for being out of it?? Even people I hold in contempt, I wouldn't hold to that standard. I feel disenfranchised from grief. Because my vaccine was on Thursday, I planned to not get any work done Thurs/Fri in case I was in recovery (which turned out to be a good thing). Because she then died, I couldn't get my head in the game and wound up having to put all of 7-10 days of work (that I'd usually have a full week to do) into a rushed and panicked day and a half. I slept two hours before my vaccine appt! And then, I spent all the days after that in high feverish dreams and aches, and I'm still recovering. And I haven't had time to be not okay.

But I took all the help that was offered on that day. I didn't need it, but I also wasn't lying when I knew it'd go a long way and accepted it. Spider came over to keep me company so I could get through my work emails. Yeah, I found out during my work shift and then didn't take any leave because I was already taking the day off for the vaccine!! What the fuck, Ari? I should've just taken the day off. Sarah came over and brought me Starbucks, and also helped with packing by doing the tedious part that I always dread and spend the most amount of time on. Ally came afterwards for dinner. And then, they left. And I said yes to everything that they offered that day because I wanted to say no. And it was the only thing that barely held the first half of the week together. And it wasn't dishonest or lying to accept that help.

This post doesn't really have a point. I just haven't had time to process the last week at all. And doing this, as usual, helps. It was supposed to be two paragraphs max about how I'm being good and letting myself rest today when normally I'd push myself past it but I had a lot more on my mind, evidently. I'm a little worried about the week yet to come and absolutely dreading work, but life goes on regardless - no break from that.

[gunnerpalace]

The Hueco Mundo Arc was Bad and the Beginning of the End for Bleach

(I am here lumping the Arrancar and Fake Karakura arcs into Hueco Mundo because they all sort of form a set, whereas the Early Karakura and Soul Society arcs are just Soul Society.)

Since I have now completed one of my magnum opuses by explaining how seemingly nobody has really read the Hueco Mundo arc correctly for like... 10 years... I want to generalize some observations from it about how people also take away the wrong things about the characters too.

Chad is... a Chad. He is Ichigo's bro for life. but he’s also frankly kind of a bad friend and person as a whole. He'll go and die for Ichigo, but he doesn't believe in what he's dying for. He does it out of obligation because he doesn’t really believe in Ichigo either, as both the Xcution and TYBW arcs make very clear. He does this over and over again throughout the series and you’re left with the sense he’s really just kind of purposeless and nihilistic. He is almost looking for a cause to die for.

Renji is also a Chad. Also sort of a puppy. He basically does the same thing as Chad, except for Rukia. And much like Chad does nothing to really build Ichigo up or support him, Renji does nothing to really build up or support Rukia. He’s just there. And he’s driven by his guilt over Rukia and his own attendant sense of obligation. He’s self-loathing and also seems to basically be looking to die to atone for his sins against her.

Orihime is incredibly selfish. I previously linked it, but @hashtagartistlife​ has already done a great write-up on this. Orihime inserted herself into Ichigo’s affairs for selfish reasons (to get close to Ichigo), she went to Soul Society for selfish reasons (to “protect” Ichigo when he never asked for it), she allowed herself to be taken to Hueco Mundo for selfish reasons (same), and she goes on being selfish in later arcs. She does not learn. She does not advance. She does not improve. She ultimately does everything for her own sake.

Ichigo is also incredibly selfish. Sera also has done a write-up on Ichigo, but I will take a somewhat different (if related position). She characterizes Ichigo as self-centered rather than selfish, and I feel that is painting with too broad a brush. I would say that Ichigo becomes “merely” self-centered by later in the series. To begin with, he is also selfish. His desire to protect is for himself as much as it is for those he wants to protect. He is always trying to make up for the death of his mother and his inability to save her, but on his terms and his terms alone. At first, he wants to protect only when it is convenient to him (and tells Rukia as much). Later, he wants to protect even those he shouldn’t (who are trying to kill him). It is only much later, in the Xcution arc, where he will compromise his values and desires for others (by killing Ginjou). I would say that even rescuing Rukia was as much for himself as it was for her (and he admits as much, with his “I made a promise to my soul!” line that Renji parrots to Byakuya). It is only the events of the Hueco Mundo arc and fighting Aizen that cause him to grow up and behave maturely in the Xcution arc.

Rukia is selfless to a fault. She will blame herself for things that are not her fault (e.g., Kaien’s death, Ichigo’s suffering during the Soul Society arc) and give effusively charitable interpretations and leniency where it isn’t deserved (e.g., to Orihime for her role in her rescue). At the same time, she is also scarcely less prideful than Ichigo and will likewise make equally dumb decisions in the name of it, as Sera points out, if for different reasons.

Uryuu is the only one whose priorities are fairly well-adjusted. He tried to save Rukia from Renji and Byakuya because it was the right thing to do (despite his posturing about hating Shinigami). He went to Soul Society to save Rukia. He went to Hueco Mundo to save Orihime. He generally did his best in the Xcution arc. But he is also a loner self-sacrificing dumbass who tries to take on too much, as he demonstrated in both Xcution and TYBW, he too has his fair share of pride like Ichigo and Rukia, and his well-adjusted priorities are sometimes a poor fit for the crazy situations he winds up in (almost getting him killed by Full Hollow Ichigo Zangetsu for showing mercy when he shouldn’t, among other things).

They are, all of them, idiots.

And the whole point of the Hueco Mundo arc was to show you that, and to show you how their idiocy could go wrong. Their idiocy worked for them in Soul Society through luck (read: deliberate narrative construction) and then when faced with an eerily similar (read: deliberate parallel) situation in Hueco Mundo, everything went the other way (read: deliberately deconstructed).

Hueco Mundo was designed to tear our protagonists down through the exact same mechanisms by which Soul Society built them up. It was designed to undermine them. In some cases they grew from it as characters. (Ichigo, Rukia definitely did, Uryuu and Renji sort of did, and Chad and Orihime did not at all.) But this is why I characterize Hueco Mundo as a “dark mirror” of Soul Society. It was designed specifically to subvert everything Soul Society showed, by inverting the results. (Compare with “subverting expectations” for the sake of it, a la The Force Awakens vs. The Last Jedi, wherein things were not inverted but simply discarded, for good or ill. This is much more “stylistic” in comparison, and is designed to serve a point beyond itself.)

So... why?

I recently said this in response to another one of Sera’s meta posts:

I would argue that Bleach is only superficially more cohesive [than Naruto]. It starts with Ichigo as a nobody who tries to change things (to save Rukia) because nobody else will, and ends up with him being shoehorned into everything by everyone else as the chosen one while they all abdicate any real responsibility or role. It completely inverts itself in almost every capacity for no real meaning or reason.

Bleach really only makes cohesive sense to me as Kubo longform refuting the Monomyth in various ways; at first by splitting up his protagonist, then by inverting and mirroring the first effort, and then finally through this weird repudiation and assassination of his characters. “Fuck your hopes, beliefs, and dreams,” is one of the few arcs I can discern to the whole series.

Let me unpack that second statement.

The monomyth, or the hero’s journey, is a template of framework for understanding tales. The most commonly cited form was developed by Joseph Campbell in 1949 in The Hero with a Thousand Faces. It has a structure sort of like this:

There are some variations (e.g., Campbell puts the Gift of the Goddess much earlier). Let’s use Campbell’s structure and see how it fits early Bleach:

The call to adventure: Rukia's arrival.

Refusal of the call: Ichigo refuses to do her Shinigami duties.

Supernatural aid: Rukia turns him into a Shinigami with her glove. He goes on to learn the basics with her at his side, using various supernatural tools.

Crossing the threshold: Rukia's abduction by Renji and Byakuya (the guardians of the threshold). (Yoruichi is the helper, Kisuke is the mentor.)

Belly of the whale: the dangai and the kotetsu, and the entry into Soul Society

The road of trials: Ichigo running around Soul Society, then fighting Ikkaku, Renji, and Kenpachi.

The meeting with the goddess: Literally Yoruichi, Flash Goddess, giving Ichigo the flying wing and later the cloak, and also later his tenshintai training.

Woman as temptress: again, also literally Yoruichi, in the nude and tempting him.

Atonement with the Father/Abyss: Literally Ichigo fighting with “Old Man” “Zangetsu” to learn bankai.

Apotheosis: Learning bankai.

The Ultimate Boon: Rescuing Rukia.

Refusal of the Return: Staying in Soul Society for a week, not really wanting to leave Rukia there.

The Magic Flight: Having to run back through the dangai.

Rescue from Without: Kisuke saving them from plummeting to earth.

The Crossing of the Return Threshold: Ichigo going back home.

Master of Two Worlds: Taking his body back.

Freedom to Live: Having summer break.

Well, would you look at that? It’s basically beat-for-beat a perfect match. (You could interpret 12-17 a bit differently but you would get essentially the same overall result.)

If it’s such a perfect match, then how do I claim this is a refutation of the monomyth? Because Ichigo is only one half of the protagonist. Rukia is the other half. This hero’s journey... is really the journey of two people, and it is really a quest to find self-worth. That alone makes it a subversion of the monomyth.

Then we have the Hueco Mundo arc, which subverts and undercuts all of this. Not only was the victory incomplete but the journey will be repeatedly darkly, “first as tragedy then as farce.” As I said, all the behaviors that worked in Soul Society fail in Hueco Mundo.

The point is to drive home that having 16-year-olds save the world is stupid. Relying on teenage child soldiers is stupid. They got lucky the first time. Because teenagers are idiots. (Rukia and Renji, despite being somewhere between about 70 and 150 years old, certainly don’t act their age, so they can be counted too.)

Now, lest you think I’m being ageist here, it is rather obvious that Bleach is unreserved in its criticism: adults are idiots too. (Real life certainly bears this out.) But it’s harder to see that in the Soul Society and Hueco Mundo arcs unless you actually pay attention and think about it.

The arc that makes that explicitly clear is the Xcution arc, where we are again relying on 17-year-olds (whom almost entirely fail) and a bunch of absentee adults who shirk their obligations and responsibilities only to be pretty stupid when they do finally engage and continue to refuse to accept responsibility. (Isshin is a fine example, but by no means the only one.)

Then we have more of the same with TYBW, and it ends with nobody getting any satisfaction and everyone doing what they hate, in direct contradiction to their stated desires and their characters in general. (I could find many more analyses of this by myself and others but I can’t be bothered at the moment.) Literally everyone’s character was assassinated, including Aizen’s, Isshin’s, and Ryuuken’s.

So, we have a subversion of the monomyth through splitting the protagonist, we have a dark inversion of the monomyth to undercut it, and then we have the thorough destruction of our protagonists and authority figures which ultimately ends with them all being absolutely and completely compromised.

Add this on to my constant observations (the most recent being in a post on Yoruichi) that no one is allowed to be friends in Bleach, that no romantic relationships are allowed to exist in Bleach without death, and that family structures are always strained and estranged within Bleach, and what do you get? A treatise on the absolute and total breakdown of all bonds and connections, and the forsaking of all ambitions and dreams. Bleach is not a heroic tale, but a cautionary warning to make your peace with your lot in life, as everyone in it does.

It is the anti-shounen. It is the anti-monomyth. It is The Big Downer Series. It is designed, very carefully and thoughtfully, to make you feel bad, mistrust authority, and give up hope. No one and nothing is reliable, not even yourself: the world will betray you until you betray yourself too.

That... is the only consistent and persistent theme of Bleach as it actually exists as a whole. It was Kubo spending 15 years telling you to go fuck yourself.

And it really started terminally on that trajectory with the Hueco Mundo arc. It didn’t have to be that way. The Soul Society arc’s clever subversion of the monomyth could’ve been just that: a clever subversion and nothing more. Hueco Mundo is when Bleach started to suck because it’s when Bleach became about beating its readers down and making them feel bad. Surprise, it’s also when the readership started to drop.

(Now you could still save Bleach after Aizen’s defeat, but it’s messy because you’ve got that much more baggage again to deal with. But it ends sufficiently abruptly that you can do it, which is the whole point of like, Demons of the Sun and Moon, even if my thinking at the time I started that was not so explicit and clear as it is now. The question is: why would you want to when you can just cut back to earlier?)

tl;dr Bleach from the end of Soul Society onward is just Kubo increasingly desperately jacking himself off onto the rest of us about how much the world sucks, and everything from Hueco Mundo onward is compromised shit designed to push that agenda ahead of everything else, including telling a good story.

[mamawelp]

It’s been awhile since I’ve been back on tumblr, but my shits gotten so bad lately that I need something, some kind of outlet. I feel so goddamn alone and my mind feels so stretched thin that if it doesn’t just completely snap, it surely will never fully recover. I thought I was getting better for a while, but the stress of the last three years has taken a toll. My daughter is everything to me, and I feel like I started out with so much joy and energy. Little by little my energy has run down and I have no way of resting to recuperate it. I have no friends, my family is toxic, and my fiancé is in a word, awful. He’s manipulative, a gas lighter, liar, he blames, critiques, always angry, so fucking angry all of the time. He uses my limitations against me and I’m stuck with him. I’m disabled, I have zero money to my name, zero support system, and I’m afraid if I tried to leave him, I wouldn’t be able to bring my daughter with me, or more to the point, he would fight for custody and win. I can’t even trust him to watch our daughter for half an hour. He falls asleep and she gets hurt or makes just the most epic messes of all time. My executive function has gone out the window almost entirely because I am severely disabled and the only one caring for our daughter 24/7. I’m the only one worrying for her, planning for her, teaching her, dressing her, feeding her, changing her. I can’t do for myself anymore because every drop of energy goes to her and there is never a break. And yet he holds it over my head that I’m not doing enough. I am so lost in this depression and loneliness and it’s not fair to her, and meanwhile this man doesn’t even care about his daughter enough to let me have a break. If he does miraculously take her out of the house, he takes her to his moms house, so someone else will watch her. Still, it’s the only way he can be trusted with her.

I hadn’t left the house in a while. It’s hard for me to get out when there isn’t a pandemic, and the longer I stay in the worse it gets. There were more months in the year than times I went inside a public place in 2020. I went outside a few times, but it’s hard for me to even step out on my front porch, or go into my back yard. Sometimes I forget there’s a pandemic going on out there because I have simply not experienced the masks, hand sanitizers, temperature checks, and empty toilet paper aisles. If I need something, I order it or he goes out to get it. Yesterday I felt cabin fever kicking in again. I always have a low grade cabin fever, it’s been like this for 12 years, but the cabin fever has to be greater than the anxiety and mixed with a touch of mania for me to be like, “must leave now.” So I said let’s go get something to eat. I meant a drive through. When I get out of the house, I stay in the car the whole time, even before the pandemic. We were pulling away from Taco Bell and I mentioned that I thought the nacho fries were loaded because of a picture. He started asking me what loaded fries were. I know that he knows what loaded fries are. So I said loaded, like loaded fries. And he kept insisting I explain what was loaded. At that point I had no idea what he wanted from me so I had no answer that was acceptable for him and we ended up getting in a ridiculous argument over goddamn loaded fries. Turns out he wanted the precise toppings I thought were on the loaded fries, that evidently doesn’t even exist. I misinterpreted a picture. All because I misinterpreted a picture and he felt I should have memorized the menu in anticipation of him asking me what loaded fries were. It was awful and so fucking stupid. All I wanted was to leave the house for 20 minutes. We ended up arguing the whole way home and in the kitchen. By the time I started trying to calm myself down I realized that I had been completely triggered in an episode. By which I mean that time felt different. My episodic memory was skewed. There were blank spots in my memory when I had become the most frustrated and confused. Everything was coming back to me in flashes or pictures and feelings. Which screws me, because if he can trigger me to lose pieces of time, then he can control the narrative. He said that I was demeaning him and making him feel stupid for asking. That was never my intention, I legitimately didn’t understand what he was asking me. It wasn’t until I calmed down that I remembered his crack at the window when we got our food. He made sure the window was open and the lady was there to chide me on being indecisive and worrying about what other people were ordering. Like I was a child. (We always get the 12 taco box, but I got a meal this time and wanted to know if he was going to get the party box, because if he was, then I shouldn’t get the combo meal. Like not a big deal, but an important distinction if you’re not trying to waste food or money.) It was a ridiculous argument and I feel a little silly trying to go into every minutiae detail of trying to order our food, but I don’t feel like I did anything wrong and got ridiculed and then grilled over the Taco Bell menu. Anyway...

It’s hard for me to leave by myself, that requires a whole other recipe of confidence and mania. I usually feel like I need another adult as a life line. I just don’t know why I keep feeling like I can use him as a life line. He does this every time we go somewhere. In fact I stopped going to the grocery in large part because he was the only one left who would go with me and he ends up disappearing the second we’re in the door, or he criticizes me for being so slow or browsing, or not taking the most military like detailed path through the store. Because no matter what you are doing, he could do it better, and he’s going to tell you all about it. I use to shop with his brother, or my best friend, but his brother isn’t around as much anymore and my best friend/sister since kindergarten is severely disabled now as well. I have told him a million times that my senses get overloaded in the store and that I have to take it slow, that I have to stay calm and collected, or I won’t be able to continue shopping, but he doesn’t care. I think he wants me to fail.

I stopped driving us places because he constantly criticizes me. He tells me which parking place I should have taken as I pass it which always sort of deletes my brain a little and then he uses that second of confusion in me to jump in full force about what I “always do” wrong and “why don’t you” ever and when I finally get parked it “took me long enough” and what’s the difference between that spot and the spot he said. Usually the spot is closeness to the door. He will park at the very edge of the parking lot knowing I won’t want to go in if he does, while I look for a closer spot so I can easily exit the store. My entire body is exhausted by the time I leave, so I know I will need to park closer. I’ve told him this, he knows this. The parking is just an example. He uses the entire drive to somewhere to poke at me until I am a mess of anxiety and then I no longer have the energy for whatever we’re doing. I do just fine when I drive by myself or someone else. Just to be clear, there’s nothing wrong with my driving, I don’t speed, I don’t follow anyone too closely, I don’t run red lights, slam on breaks just to piss someone off, I don’t swerve through heavy traffic, I don’t roll my window down to yell at people, I don’t cut people off and yell at them for it, I don’t act like I own the road, but he does. He does all of those things. He gets so angry in the car and it makes you feel so uncomfortable and anxious you’ll melt into the seat. It’s awful. He’s awful.

When our daughter was born, I had a renewed since of confidence. I stopped saying sorry and I started just getting pissed. In a way it has backfired though, because now I’m pissed and bitter and he acts like I’m the one abusing him for calling him out on his shitty behavior. Basically he’ll pull some asshole move, I say hey that was wrong of you and he acts completely dejected and will sarcastically say, “you’re right, I’m the asshole.” He makes it impossible to argue with him. He will make shit up, twist my words to fit his narrative, describe to me MY intentions (which is never correct), he will change his story and say it’s been his story all along, he will switch sides of the argument in the middle and tell you your argument was his and his was yours the whole time so that he feels he’s come out on top, and mostly, when you prove him wrong, he will simply deny anything happened directly to my face when we both witnessed it and he will expect it to end there. If I try to say any more about something that he decides didn’t happen he will yell at me to shut up and he will put a hole in the wall or in a door to punish me.

When I try to talk about a health issue that has been plaguing me, he often will make a stupid joke, change the subject, or just interrupt me and bulldoze right over, but it doesn’t fail, within 2 weeks he will be complaining about the EXACT same thing, and if I don’t take him seriously, I am the asshole who doesn’t care and only ever wants to talk about my health.

He ruins every holiday. Without fail. The night before a party with my family, he will purposefully sabotage his sleep, get a few hours and then wake up as the grumpiest person ever. He has on multiple occasions said that if I remind him that we need to be to bed early he will have to stay up. Making it my fault that he stayed up because I presented an opportunity to rebel against someone and he has to take it. Seriously. He doesn’t do this with the same frequency or intensity for his own family parties of course. He acts completely embarrassing in front of my family. He will talk down to me, or get drunk and start lying poorly to family members trying to seem interesting.

So anyway. That’s life in a nutshell right now. And if anything, I’ve got my feelings out so I could easily recall them if I needed to for anything more ... official. It’s hard for me to compile all of my thoughts on all of the things. My memory is shot to hell and it’s easy to get caught up in “well maybe he’s right” when I can’t see the whole picture. My grammar and structure is not the greatest, but my daughter will be waking up from her nap soon, so it will have to do.