#she needs a big change ok
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extra courseload is too much for me but killing a god and reviving some ancient force of rage??
im a sick puppy and this excites me.
#bow wow bow wow#i was genuinely worried when ally got that nat 20 like 10 minutes in#like nooo pls scary god lady come back i don't wanna go to school#and then they all proceeded to roll absolute dogshit for the rest of the fight#this is my comfort zone#also ngl im glad kristen didn't just get to leave it at that deadbeat apology#she needs a big change ok#she's made that same apology several times now and not done shit#girlie needs to kill a god idk#dimension 20#fantasy high#fantasy high junior year#fhjy#fantasy high junior year spoilers#fhjy spoilers#kristen applebees#d20#d20 cassandra#fhjy mall madness
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Somaia 'Maia' Fisher
Monte's twin sister, older by 6 minutes. She's the baby girl out of 7 (4 girls, 3 boys). Currently majoring in Music Education at the same university Monte and his best friend, Brooklyn, go to. Monte's given her strict instructions not to encourage Brooklyn's flirting because he knows how Brooklyn is. HOWEVER, Brooklyn just so happens to be looking for a lead vocalist for his band and Lamont never said she couldn’t do that.
#ts4#sims 4#the sims 4#finally gave that sim from awhile ago an official name and character AND a makeover happy birthday bbg#thank u to whoever suggested that name forever ago on twitter#im sure everyone sees where her storyline is going right yeah ok.#im obsessed w her i think she needs some freckles/lil moles#prob my new fav sim after her makeover shes so cute#the fishers are a BIG family of werewolves. like. big. massive pack there are SO MANY of them#also i changed montes skins awhile back so. they look a little more like each other with his update i just havent posted it
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You're always so on point with your posts. On that note, it made me realize that; Considering the themes of desires in DunMeshi. It's also to say that what you think you want isn't what you actually want.
Like, Marcille thinks she wants the handsome prince from the novels she reads... But what she actually wants is someone maybe more like her father who she admired so much. Kind, virtuous, caring to a fault, a family man. Things she later finds in Chilchuck.
Because as traumatizing as it was to see her mother's spiral after her father's death; Her memories of her father itself are some of the most important to her. And it fits with her pursuit to increase her loved ones' lives, because she does want what her mother and father had.
Sipping. I do go over ‘what you think you want vs what you actually want + what you need’ in my (upcoming) Marcille & Chil arc analysis ;) It’s a part of Dunmeshi that I really like and is super fascinating, I’d honestly like to make an analysis-post on the topic: all the different threads and characters in canon that reflect that, desires vs wants and themes of idealization in Dunmeshi, but it’s one of those things that’s just so huge to make. See this is the freaking problem with doing Dunmeshi meta you start talking about the themes or a narrative and everything is so interwoven you get distracted with tangents BUT IT’S ALL COMPELLING AND RELEVANT
I know that’s something laimar does a lot too, the dad thing, with Marcille in a post-canon comic knitting beside him paralleling her parents and whatnot. I don’t know if I fully agree on the angle but there’s definitely stuff to dig at there…
Like I know that I’d like to analyze Marcille’s succubus more, it comes up in my analysis draft but it’s not the point I’m trying to make there so I focus on other stuff but… I always saw the focus of Marcille’s succubus as that she sought out an emotional connection most of all, it’s romantic and courtly in nature but more importantly there’s personality and behavior there and it’s a character she already loves and knows deeply from having read the series, so it’s not like Chil where it’s just a pretty face whose identity doesn’t matter. A friend of mine though, @room-surprise, goes with the angle that it shows she isn’t ready for a relationship and that the appeal is very self-centered, and I def think compelling points are made…
Point I was trying to make, the succubus is definitely at the crux of figuring what it is Marcille wants and craves in someone I’d say, where she’s emotionally at wether consciously or subconsciously, or how she sees herself being involved in romance at least… It’s true Marcille is enthusiastic about romance, but always someone else’s, never hers, and she seems unwilling to examine her own relationships with people. She oversteps boundaries either obliviously or carelessly and doesn’t like change…
And then there’s how complex people’s relationship to fiction can be on top of that and graaaaah
Edit in bc I forgot I wanted to mention this like an idiot: OH and I do think the Daltian Clan serves a role in the general tapestry of Dunmeshi as well, sometimes in in depth ways that Room-Surprise will tackle in their research paper way better than me I’m sure. My understanding of the importance of general Hagreus in a more general narrative sense is that he reinforces the theme of idealization/fantasy vs reality that’s super present through the manga. Beyond just Marcille’s arc and his importance to her he’s designed uncannily close to Mithrun, it parallels real elves and their very flawed military system and the broken people it cultivates vs the romanticized elves put on an aesthetic pedestral in novels, especially considering it’s "general" Hareus
To give some previews of the analysis wip: Thus the succubus targets Marcille’s wish for a perfect knight who could cherish her forevermore, someone safe and known and fantastical, just hers in a way, free to see and construct however she wants because he’s a character to interpret Dungeon Meshi is in part about resisting desires, the irrational cravings, mostly through the character of the demon. I mentioned needs earlier, and to ideals vs wants we also add vs needs, both emotional and physical. And needs alongside wants are what Dungeon Meshi wishes to promote for a healthier person. Dungeon Meshi illustrates very well with the dungeon lords that you can be a slave to your desires. Dunmeshi prones the important of balance for both a healthy body and a healthy mind, and the arc of optimism vs pessimism with Marcille & Chilchuck is one such case <3
Ouuuugh how flawed relationships with flawed people can still be made into somehing good and healthy that make the world brighter…
We’ve gone far from the topic of how her family shaped what she seeks in relationships haha, I think you put it well already though I don’t have much to add on that front Edit in 2: SIKE! I’ll add that there’s an interesting thread in the manga of Marcille maturing and becoming more like her mother, which would be interesting and fun to pair with the fatherhood of Chil. Because Marcille is sometimes a mother figure as well: she’s the mom friend. I go over it here, and since when I made that post I’ve seen more interesting analysis on the topic too, like noticing she hides behind her mother’s portrait in the nightmare chapter, perhaps the inspiration behind her more mature reserved academic persona she sometimes has. Her parents are def important to her so it’s interesting to see how all the dynamics and her own psychology fit into that….
But yeah I think what she (thinks she) wants out of romance has a lot of layers, both conscious and subconscious… I haven’t gone into the bigger picture of how fiction affects her relationships here but it’s the central topic of my Marcille & Chil arc analysis so. She idealizes the trope of the prince charming and finds it attractive but is that what she would actually latch onto… Is it fully superficial, is it more about herself than it is about her potential partner... Is it mainly because she wants to get validation, from being special that she typically gets from high academic performance… We do see she can be rather insecure and worried about others’ perspective of her, that they think she’s not useful or capable enough, especially in the mandrake chapter… Unconditional love perhaps
What is your emotional landscape Marcille. How emotionally intelligent are you. I don’t think she knows what she wants romantically. I think she has a job so she don’t really care about that rn I’m just not sure if we can figure out what she ~actually~ wants on her behalf that might be too many levels of interpretation but idk idk, thinking on it still
#Ask#marchil#Spoilers#Dungeon meshi manga spoilers#As an aroace obviously obsessed with shipping. Me 🤝 Marcille very possibly being uncomfortable at the thought of being in a relationship#Considering her fear of loss + loss of control at categorizing her relationships and the Falin bath scene analysis yk the one#How she pushes herself to think of Falin as a kid still bc it’s more digestible and less scary. Bc change and aging and vulnerability#Like she could totally be super on board to get into a romance at a snap of fingers buuut there’s enough material where also could be not#The post ended up not being very marchil but yeah… in the end i ship it bc i think chil is both what she wants and needs in a lover#It’s ok even if they don’t do much pda she’ll just romanticize that it makes it more special#Marcille donato#Meta#Btw big recommend the youtube video essay on OFMD season 2 by The Sin Squad… Makes me think about Marcille v much
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ok look ive only mostly had a passive interest in the series and only saw some of the older versions as a teen and idk it's relative popularity in anime circles cause i never hear anyone talk about Ge Ge Ge no Kitarou BUT WAS ANYONE ELSE GOING TO TELL ME THAT THEY MADE KITAROU'S DAD
(Pictured here as a goofy ass lil butt naked eyeball man)
INTO A GODDAMN TUMBLR SEXYMAN???????????
WHAT IS HAPPENING HERE
#IT WAS A MOVIE AND APPARENTLY IT WAS REALLY FUCKING GOOD???????????????#WHO IS THIS SALARYMAN HE SEEMS TO HAVE ROMANTIC TENSION WITH????? BASED ON GOOGLE RESULTS#OH THATS HIS ADOPTED DAD. this is wild because the old ass manga i read he sorta sucked shit i think#ok about to eat my fucking foot because i constantly rant about how much i hate when they yassify Kitarou characters#ESPECIALLY neko musume i fucking HATE the new versions of her SO MUCH she NEEDS to be a gremlin WHY DOES SHE HAVE HEELS#and its so unfair nasty stinky rat dude hasnt changed AT ALL in all those years and meanwhile neko musume is UNRECOGNIZABLE#and i just genuinely really love the scrunginess of the original style and the polished shit loses all the charm which i feel is important#to a story about this misfit kid hanging out with ugly monsters and just having fun#but kind of love the tumblrized dad LMAO i#if i was a teen seeing this id have a big ass crush on him probably lmao#hes like a mix of kakashi and the guy from mushi shi#dullblogging#also lost my mind at the cover where theyre just standing there covered in blood LMAO
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bc its been bouncing around in my head i think another little tiny grievance i had with totk is that i got to the end and just felt a sense of ‘well what the hell was that all for then’
#salty talks#like. ok. look at me. do you ever think abt how link loses an arm but absolutely nothing comes of it#it was basically just an excuse to give him powers and there was nothing actually done with yknow#him losing an arm. or how the light dragon thing didnt really have any long lasting consequences#and generally like. i had to think for a moment to remember why the hell she did that#what was her purpose in the past again???? what did she accomplish actually??? oh right the fucking sword#its like. i get to the end and like nothing has changed it all resets to zero it barely even feels lile a change#woth the other races pledging loyalty like the past (gags) bc barely anything abt hyrule changed between those two times#mineru leaves. she was a lot of wasted potential. nothing CHANGED it all just reset back to the status quo#no one learned anything i feel nothing new or interesting just oh hyrule is good :) it all feels so hollow#like you go on this big adventure and then at the end you dust yourself off and go back to doing basically#exactly what you were doing before that all happened like nothing happened. thats how it felt. what was the point#yeah sure new zonai stuff but that never sinks in its not important to the main narrative so it feels like nothing#it just. felt like there was no real point to the adventure except to affirm that yeah the past was perfect keep doing that#while none of the characters actions really have any lasting weight to them and they barely feel involved#i need to stop i can feel myself wanting to keep going lol. link losing his arm but the game not at all engaging with it is frustrating#totk salt#like to me it’s an issue bc its a long game with a lot to do but when you reach the end it just rings so fucking hollow#the main story/narrative equivalent to all those fucking collection items where the prize is a useless fucking token
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“There is no fanfic on Stephs treatment I have checked” that’s like the whole point.
#I’m not saying ur wrong bc it’s not canon#I’m saying ur wrong bc ur perpetuating the misogyny that got u there in the first place#and yeah imma take it there it IS that deep to me sorry#like this isn’t like a diff in opinion on an arc or smth#this is quite literally the bigotry that fandoms supposed to be an escape from manifesting itself again with a rainbow flag over it it’s so#like first of all not that serious but concerning to me is getting into smth without knowing the source material#u don’t need to know the exact timeline of events and which specific Batmobile Bruce had in every era duh#that’d be hypocritical to say I read character to character screw the timeline lmao#but it’s like. ur telling me u adore Dick Grayson and have never picked up NTT?#u wanna analyze the queer coding in Tim’s character but you’ve never read his og robin run?#u wanna talk about Damian’s character growth but you’ve only read Batman and Robin 2020s?#u ADORRRRE steph and cass and you haven’t even read batgirls#and that’s like nonissues#my issues are u wanna discuss how Barbara is actually so cold and cruel to dick for how she handled Catalina and you’ve never read birds of#prey and actually dick never cheated so (this isn’t me being hypocritical if you’ve seen that post I just lowk changed my mind)#or if he did it was justified or whatever#you wanna talk about how Jason and Roy are soulmates and you can’t tell me a single thing besides he’s an archer a father and an addict#it’s like ur putting shit out there about these characters and their relationships and you don’t know them#and more people who don’t know them see ur shit and do the same thing#and that’s mid level issue#the BIG issue is that y’all have not unpacked ur racism misogyny or classism enough to do this and then turn around and say ur fixing dc or#whatever. u have not done enough work to speak on Jason or Damian and say they deserve better whilst u water down their anger into smth#palatable and sweet on ur white faves. u don’t get to complain about how there’s not enough about steph and all u do is spread more made up#shit to infantilize tim. and I’m not saying I’ll never read a tim centric fic that’s ooc and stupid and have fun#I do that and I don’t talk about it bc that shit should not be the main writing you find when you look for BATMAN lmao#and even then they HIGHEST problem is that even when people make more content centering the woc poc and yes even WW it still doesn’t get any#traction bc y’all haven’t unpacked as much of ur racism and misogyny as u think u have#making hcs about tim being a Barbie and Jason being a feminist and dick painting his nails is not progressive when Steph and cass are#cardboard cutouts or the vehicles through which the white men discover feminity is ok actually and nothing else#and then Duke and Damian are the token straights or allies. like y’all are so sick lmao
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please pick friends u can argue or have misunderstandings with and actually communicate with immediately after like, it’s so fucking important
#like if anything I’ve learned the last couple years is fucking communicate#like actually#my family isn't really big on it and that's probably part of the reason I started writing so young#tried to break that with my niece and was mostly successful we fight but can actually discuss and work things out and talk#I always have encouraged her to express her damn feelings because my stereotypical scorpio sister is in there too so I had to drag it out#and I can be the same it’s hard for me but I try harder now than before#I’m always honest with myself but expression is hard I get it#like we fought the other day and when she came home l expected her to just go in her room#and she just stood there and looked at me like well??? like that one meme haha#and we talked instead#gotta break those generational curses man#but yeah holding people accountable and calling them out is needed sometimes and also apologizing and talking it the fuck out#even if it sucks….do it#set boundaries and u allow what u allow#I’m at the point of my life I just won’t tolerate certain things and that’s valid but also without communication#you’re not moving either way with clarity and clarity is everything#it’s ok to move on from any kind of relationship but were u honest first? was there clarity#and if nothing changes or you can’t find peace you can move on and compartmentalize that loss better because u tried first#I get some reasons don’t warrant any of that but overall#but yeah I do word things like a straight up bitch sometimes and yes u should tell me hahah#can piss eachother off and misunderstand eachother#but there’s paragraphs coming and that’s the important bit#I’m still learning but better than I was
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need y'all to know that it's now canon that byan ends up buying a gigantic life-sized hello kitty plush when they move in with sol.
without sol's permission, agreement, or knowledge, of course.
#u can basically sit in the thing's lap it's that big ok thank u#this is important i needed to share bc it's been cracking me up for days now#and byan always ALWAYS without fail refers to it as 'she' like they're talking about an actual person#━━ ˟ ⊰ ✰ headcanon ⋮ danger in the fabric of this thing i made.#━━ ˟ ⊰ ✰ verse: college ⋮ here to change the vibes; a game changer.
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my beautiful personal experience with anne rice that im always like haha ok new book ^-^ the last one kind of sucked a decent amount for most of the book but the ending was cool. cant wait to start the next one, sure hope its not anything bad!! and then shes like sneaking behind me with a comically large sledgehammer on my head that is labelled "the beginning will suck heavily". and it keeps happening to me.
#twist rambles#vc posting#1. my fucking epub reader on desktop sucks compared to my one ive been using so im having to do a really bad set up but i survive.#2. the fucking horrors christ alive. i cannot express enough how like actually horrible b&g is starting. she wants me DEAD. she hates me#wanting to reach atlantis instead of dnfing every single book in this goddamn series. in other news i need to actually watch the full#les.tat the musical performance... ive had the soundtrack on loop but am so bad at paying attention to smth for 2.5 hours...but i gotta#watch it bc itll make me remember how good tvl was. and how bad these books are rn. lol. anyways we persist and we survive and we kill#marius with many hammers to survive ok. even if you dont know who he is. kill him with me ok. anyways god sorry im sooo :/ abt the#formatting changes on pc like my laptop screen is too big after weeks of not using it?? its weird lmao. but yeah we persist and survive and#if anyone can get thru the like 720 pages i have coming up it is ME. ok <3
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#welcome to another installment of: angel spits out all his thoughts about autism cause if he keeps them inside his head will explode#in today's episode: is it possible that my ''panic attacks'' have been autistic meltdowns all this time?#then answer is maybe!#ok so i was watching this youtube video from channel I'm autisticn now what? (check it out it's great!)#and meg was talking about the different types of autistic meltdowns and how they might manifest#and then in the comments people were discussing autistic meltdowns vs panic attacks and how cofused they used to be about them#and that got me thinking... there's a big thing that needs to happen during a panic attack for it to be a panic attack#and that is anxious thoughts... many people talk about fear of death during panic attacks#and that was never my experience. I don't feel like I'm going to die when I have these ''attacks''#they feel painful and like i'm completely out of control but my head is quite clear in that regard#i always thought it was because i don't think dying is like The Worst thing that could happen to me so maybe that was why#and it never ocurred to me that it could be an autistic meltdown because i always saw those as ''little boy hits his head against the wall'#(horrible i know) but it's more than that! (plus i sadly started self harming when the ''attack'' is too bad so not i fit that idea lol)#it's the uncontrollable crying. the throwing anything you have at hand across the room. the not being able to utter words#(other than ''no'' in my case) it's the complete lack of control#and that fits so much more to what i experience! i even related to meg's personal anecdote about a meltdown she had as a child#being separated from my mom made me go into full panic modes as a kid and that was seen as a tantrum but it was more than that to me!#and as an added bonus the only therapist i've ever seen in my life used to call my panic attacks ''pseudo-panic attacks''#because even she felt it didn't quite fit in the description (not that she was a good therapist so i can't put her as an example lol)#but anyways... yeah every day that goes by i'm more and more convinced I am autistic and it scares me to fucking death#because of the way my mom reacted when i first raised the question. so yeah this is for nothing lol nothing will change in my life#¯\_(ツ)_/¯#angel talks#personal
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debating veryyyy hard with myself on whether or not to keep rem dead in my roadtrip fic. bc on one hand her death was such a huge integral part of vash's character and to keep her alive even in a modern au would be erasing a very important part of him. but also what if nice mom gets to meet her son's four partners and is the best mom ever and cares about all the people her son loves. what then
#whiskey yelling into the void#UGH this fic is TORTURE!!!!! WHAT DO I KEEP FROM CANON AND WHAT DO I CHANGE!!!!!!!#bc at first i decided i would keep her alive but now i'm questioning it yk. she should for all intents and purposes be dead#but also mother gets to be part of her sons' lives as they grow up :')#maybe i'll like. ok. vash still needs 2 have a backstory behind his missing arm right.#what if like maybe there was some big accident inadvertently caused by knives and vash lost his arm and rem was in a coma for a while#would that work??? or should i kill her off#AGH DECISIONS!!!!!!!!!#i'm thinking i should kill her off maybe even tho i love her so so so much#EUAGHAGHHH this is painful
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#i was supposed to spend the last 2 days prepping and relaxing for the start of this big project tomorrow#but ive spent thr last 2 days frantically coding as fast as i could and focusing v hard to get a lot of bullshit done#and ive fixed things since yesterday. the changes i had to make were too too bad bc the thing that went wrong was so fucking weird#but it should be okay by tomorrow. knock on wood. but this does mean ive done fuck all to prep for tomorrow#so we r winging it bby. ugh. just gotta fucking pray that everything goes ok. pls let nothing b broken and let everything seal properly 🙏#i was also supposed to meet with my boss today. probably for her to make sure i dont fuck up this project but apparently their safety hood#was having an emergency... whatever that means. so im sure shes having a week as well. and im free to fuck everything up for everyone#ugh. im so. theres a certain point in burning out where youre not really in pain anymore. you dont really feel anything all your joy and#hope dissolves away and u just exist to be useful. and i feel like its easier to maintain that than trying to b happy#i do not advise that bc its a fucking miserable. wasteful way to live but i dont really have time to try for anything better#god. i really hope my measurements friday dont take a full 8hrs. i dont know if i can handle that. literally i would have stay intensely#focused with my brain being Interrupted every 5min so i can manually record data points. its gonna b agony#so that fun. but maybe it wont. maybe itll be great and fun and ill have a wonderful time. seems unlikely but ya never kno#lets not think abt the fact that having to rush all this is preventing me from being able to do all thr other bullshit i need to get done#to prepare for the future. future? what future? hard to imagine from the bottom of this pit im digging myself#sigh. in a few months i can leave this place and never come back. soon but not soon enough#lol i was literally crying listening to cold play earlier bc idk thats the type of music my parents would put on at parties in summertime#so it evokes a v specific mood. which is i guess me hiding away from ppl at parties haha#back when i didnt have to worry abt things so much and i could just listen to the frogs chirping and watch the fireflies#oh god. now my boss is asking if i reached out for help tomorrow. no. lady i would rather drink bleach than have to direct an undergrad#tomorrow. its 10pm im fucking tired. just let me be sad. did i reach our for help? no my brain is on fire#tomorrow is gonna b a long day ugh#unrelated
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spent $200 on a jacket and it’s like it’s made of fuckint paper
#WHY IS THERE A RIP?? ITS NOT TOO BIG WHY ARE THE STRINGS PULLING?? THIS AHIT IS NICE AND EXPENSIVE AND I TAKE MOSTLY GOOD CARE OF IT WHY IS#THIS HAPOENING ???#maybe my letterman breaking is a sign that i need to change schools#goddddd this is one of the few things i wanted from hs why is it getting ruined#like i had three goals !!!! only three !!! become friends with this one person. i did that. then i dated her. then i broke up with her. now#she hates me. ok next goal. get a letterman. did that freshman year. why is it literally falling apart at the seams i don’t wear iteveryday#final goal is watxh mha hopefully i don’t fuck that one up too#toad.txt
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MICKEY THIS QUIZ FUCKING GOT ME TOO I FELL TO MY KNEES 😭😭😭 these quizmakers need to be stopped IMMEDIATELY why am i getting emotional over this …… why is this Everything……
the most important person and the pale blue dot
it's you. you're the most important because you are here and alive on this planet, that, in the scope of it all, isn't even the most of anything. the silliness of how vast our home is and how many of us there are only makes each of us that much more incredible. every time you kiss the cheek of a loved one you are telling the Earth that she is important in all the little ways, and thanking her for making others to hold. and likewise, when you hurt one of hers, she festers, and when she is hurt by yours she reciprocates--bellowing, and bleeding. she is important because you make her big and you are important because she made you small. and so...take care of each other.
no-pressure tags <3 : @kissxcore @seiwas @stellamancer @scarabrat @hayakawalove @daydreamermarimo @missukiyo @riaki tagging the whole legion bc i wanna see everyone’s results so bad aaa ….. this quiz was so pretty T_T
the uquiz is done and it makes no sense <3 reblog and tell me! what is your duality? 💫
#MICKEY I SCREAMED WHEN I SAW YOUR RESULT BTW…#GENUINE SOULREAD#literally RIGHT after changing your url to teddybeartoji too 😭😭😭.. what witchcraft is this….#no but your result fits you soso well!!!!!!#“the right people want to see you love” SO TRUE I’M LITERALLY ONE OF THEM I’M RIGHT HERE#mickey our big ol soft teddybear i will love u forever#but ok can we talk abt. the absolute trip i went on reading my result. op u need to be locked up#ari nation STAYS cosmos themed ‼️ or ig it’s more like planet themed but i’ll take what i can get!!!! :’3#no but i did in fact Cry#“she is important because you make her big and you are important because she made you small. and so...take care of each other.“#<- ????? what if i collapsed#sniffle. i love you mother earth :((((#this quiz was so much fun…. tysm op and tysm mickey 🫂🫂🫂#tag game ✩
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#told my roommate ive been depressed this weekend and she kindly offered to watch a movie but i knew shed be too tired and need to cancel#bc of the clocks changing and its ok i know how tired she gets i was the one to suggest it was okay if she cant + it was still a nice idea#but now im alone for the evening again ive been alone all weekend and weekends are the hardest for me and i thought i was feeling a little#better but im not and theres nothing to stop me from harming which is okay i keep it safe and its always a choice i make to do it or not#not anyone elses responsibility but i didnt want.to be alone tonight thats all. and offering something she knows she cant fulfil makes me#feel rejected too and i also wanted to talk abt some of her behaviour that upsets me sometimes but gently bc i dont want it to seem like#im blaming her bc its not her fault im so bad at communicating and neurotic and weird abt shit that doesnt even make sense#but its been bothering me for a really long time and it comes up again every time we meet with other people and i get really upset over it#and im the one that keeps putting off talking about it but its so hard when its been gping on so long and i find it so hard to express#anything and communicate especiallt when its shit like this but im so so so so tired of sitting on it i just want it resolved one way or#another and now i wont see her for a few days bc of this family trip and itll be on my mind the whole time and the thought is making me#feel insane already ive wasted so many hours and hours being upset by her and not being able to talk abt it i need it to stop its not even#that big a deal.it just is to me. and i dont know how to say anythign ever#and she wants to make plans with friends next weekend which feels like hoisting an anvil above my head bc if i dont go i risk having a#rejection sensitive episode bc im vulnerable rn and this is exactly what happened over the summer and it took me months to recover from but#if i do go ill get upset bc ill feel unwanted there and ill be dealing with the same issue that comes up every fucking time and either way#ill end up harming in response to it bc i cant handle how intense my emotions are and i dont have any better outlets right now#for these specific feelings and i dont want to do that i want to be a normal fucking human being who doesnt lock themself in a#stupid fucking iron maiden style repression over completely innocuous shit that no one would even know im reacting this way to#i cant do it i cant do thjs anymore i cant i want it to stop im so tired and it hurts so so much feeling so much like this#they should make a mind for me that is capable of not inflicting distress this intense on itself i need to explode#actually. maybe since i wont see her for a couple days i can write a long discord message about it instead. i know its a shitty way to#deliver information but maybe it would be easier that way rather than trying to summon the courage to say anything in person when im#usually actively upset abt it at the time and my immediate response to getting upset is to shut down and not express which doesnt help#and its so stupid but i need it to not be like this i cant keep living with her and getting so upset so regularly it has to stop now#ill think about itand maybe draft it. and then i can decide. but right now i need to eat. and pack. and then cut sorry. but its ok#ughhhhfdhf. please let this week be better ill try harder ill say something i have to im the one inflicting this on myself by not talking#about it!!!!!!!!! so. man and i think my dinner is cold now too. oh well#.vent#tw self harm
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the craziest thing is even w this breakup i still feel like this is sooo my year ilke i have never been sentient and awake like this until 2024
#like yeah im sad but this is infinitely better than any other time in my life#generally speaking#which is a good thing#also im thining about it and i know tis partly just cuz the weahter was better#but like im sooo tired of mourning her#like im bored of it. and im finally starting to think ill get over her like shes just starting to feel like a dream now#but i dont know if thatll change if i see her again#i actually did see her this week and i think we made eye contact but i went to my phone and so did she#usually i try to say hi but every time i do she becomes so awkward like she would much rather be anywhere else than looking at me#and i think ive realized my issue isnt that were broken up entirely. its that i dont think she wants to even try to be somewhat normal abou#the situation#like im thinking about and i think this is whats hurting me the most now that weve broken up#cuz like yeah she still says hi if i say hi first but its like the way she holds herself and the way she looks anywhere but at me once she#realizes im existing in front of her#and it makes me SO sad and ruins my day every time i wave hi and she does that thing so thats why i decided not to wave hi that time#and i did cry a little but honestly it was like i felt so numb#i think the only reason i cried was cuz my brain saw an opportunity to cry and think about the breakup#but other than that i dont think i actually felt much of anything like the crying felt super forced#which i think is a good sign#but yeah i think my issue at this point now is just that like she isnt even trying to act normal and i get it like how do you act normal yk#but like at the very least i feel like if you could just act normal when you wave hi to me would be fine you know.#like its not that big of a deal just say hi and then we go our separate ways. we dont need to do that whole 'ohhh lala looking around OH ha#didnt see you there! um ok hi. ok time to look away'#and its not like she DOESNT say hi when i say hi to her. its just teh way she holds herself#like she wants to pretend we dont know each other. idk how to explain it#cuz if i say hi she still says hi but she justlooks at me like she wants me to be invisible#yeah anyway all of this to say i think im doing better maybe
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