#she is also incredibly vain so good job there LOL

[moonspirit]

Hello Moon,

One thing I am keenly interested in your ideas on the Media depictions of Armin and the gang post-rumbling, I have some ideas I’d love to get your insight on

I think a lot of depictions of the events of the rumbling would always play Armin off as this l altruistic figure thrust into greatness. Eren in contrast would be depicted as a Richard 3rd style villan, plotting and scheming.

As Armin and Annie’s relationship became more public knowledge playwrites would really eat up the “star crossed lovers” separated by warring nations angle.

Unfortunately I think Annie and Pieck would often be the victims of some era typical sexism in their depictions as they would have their cold demeanor and tactical abilities respectivly toned down drastically. And I think a lot of times Hange would have them depicted as a man

Reiner and Connie would be depicted as comic relief charecters with Reiner depicted as a lumbering oaf and Connie as a constant jokester while Jean is portrayed as a dashing if not vain Casanovaesqe figure.

And in a bitter sweet way for Armin, Mikasa would often not be mentioned.

I would love to hear your ideas on this.

P.S. my apologies this is the lunatic in me going off again.

Hello anon!

I agree for the most part, given that the way things ended was how Eren chose for events to play out, hoisting the Alliance up on a pedestal as heroes to the world for stopping him. I believe that is the perception that will stick in the hearts of what remains of humanity. He came as a devil to finish the world and the Alliance saved them all.

While Eren couldn't have known what would happen after Mikasa killed him, Mikasa heading back to Paradis and Armin presenting himself as the man who killed Eren Jaeger basically seals Armin's fate. By taking on that title he kills several birds with one stone: in calling for and establishing an immediate ceasefire on Fort Salta, in shifting the balance of power and public favour over to the Alliance, in shouldering the weight of Eren's death, and most importantly, in keeping Mikasa's role and whereabouts a secret. We also cannot forget that he's still the Commander of Survey Corps, which only catapults his "status" in the eyes of the people. All of this might place him on an incredibly high up and important position in the political scene post-rumbling. It goes without saying then, that his altruism and empathy for the people of the post-rumbling world will not go unnoticed. He may be lauded even, for being a leader of a different ilk, and I see him as someone who makes sure he does a good job even if he doesn't enjoy what he's doing (but that's for another post).

So, right, I think Mikasa would live quietly and peacefully on Paradis because that's what she chose for herself and the world will not know of her role in the Rumbling at all.

Coming to Aruani... oh if their relationship is made public, there will be a hue and cry over it lol. I imagine the identities of the Alliance become public knowledge in due time, as in, that Armin, Jean and Connie come from Paradis; that Reiner, Pieck and Annie used to be Warriors from Marley, the titans they wielded, their past missions, their roles and etc. In light of all that, if it is known that Armin and Annie are in a relationship, then as you said, the press might do their best to inject the "star crossed lovers separated by a wall" fantasy (and tbh I don't blame them lmao xD). In fact there could be many headlines haha xD "Lovers who followed each other into the Rumbling", "The first public wedding between a Paradisian and Marleyan" and etc lmao.

(it wont be pleasant for them but my romantic heart loves it xD)

Interesting point about the sexism, btw. People have varying thoughts on when exactly the post-rumbling world is set in, (I personally hc the early 1930s), but irrespective of that, sexism has existed throughout history hasn't it? I'm no expert on period-typical sexism really, but I have no doubt Annie and Pieck are at the receiving end of some of it anyway. I think @annawayne can offer more insight on this, she knows a LOT!

As for Hange... since they die early into the Battle, the only way the world knows of them is whatever the Alliance makes known. I've spoken about this before, but I personally think Armin would speak very highly of Hange after their death, publicly and otherwise. Whatever he and the others and Levi too (if he ever comes into a situation where he cannot make a run from the spotlight and has to say something.... tho the poor man deserves to be as far away from the limelight as possible imo) say about Hange is what the world at large will know.

Jean is definitely a casanovaesque figure in the public-eye haha xD He pays too much attention to his looks to think otherwise. But I think he would present himself as such intentionally, it was always his desire to live a comfortable and luxurious life; he should get to live it too. (Tho sometimes I like to think Pieck and the others are always one step away from exposing his very loser vibes).

As for Reiner and Connie, I think it's easy to see them both as the cheerful types, especially the latter. Connie's always pleasant and grinning, with lighthearted conversation and terrible jokes to go with every situation. But Reiner was always forced (by none other than his circumstances and himself) to be a tough leader figure when in reality, he just wanted to be someone who could protect others. I still believe his cadet years on Paradis were some of his happiest, that persona of his was something true to his heart, and so I'd like to believe this side of him finally has a chance to exist freely in the post-rumbling world without any reasons to inhibit it. I think that together with his history of being the Armored Titan and the fact that he's older than the others, public perception would swing into the "He's really the protective big brother in the Alliance" direction.

Just don't let the press find out about his letter-sniffing habits.

xD That was long, but well, I hope you got something out of it!

[muppetebbtide]

classical name allusions in the locked tomb

sorry guys I'm a one trick pony. I'm sure most of these have been said before but I LOOOVE pulling on threads until they tangle up and get stuck so. these used to be in alphabetical order but then I remembered about some lol. spoilers for all the books. I'm not arguing anything I'm just kicking rocks around

alecto

one of the three furies sent to punish mortals for unforgivable crimes (like killing family members... or ppl who have 'sworn false oaths.' get that.)

alecto specifically was sent by juno in book 7 of the aeneid to stir up war amongst turnus and aeneas; she impersonates the latin queen and pretends to be a priestess. might pay off, might not.

cassiopeia

queen and mother of princess andromeda (from the perseus myth); infamously vain, boasted that she and her daughter were more beautiful than goddesses and got andromeda stuck on a rock as a sacrifice, good job hon. as punishment gets chained to her throne and set as a constellation forever (this does make me wonder about the parallel to alecto there w the chains, but I don't know if it's worth pursuing, likely not. but I have seen theories that like alecto, she's not actually dead)

tamsyn notes in the back of harrow that this comparison is 'doing her a disservice', however

juno

roman queen of the gods, goddess of marriage, ideal wife etc etc, honestly I think she is likely just called that for the matriarch vibe but if anyone has an insight on why else she's named that lmk. she's a lot chiller than the mythological juno is generally portrayed fjfhjd

priamhark (harrow's father)

priam was hector's father and king of the doomed city of troy; he had one hundred children, almost all of whom die. you can see the parallel I'm pulling here right.

pellemeana (harrow's mother)

peleus was the father of the vastly overpowered achilles, who was his only son. same implication; hundreds of kids from priam + one incredibly OP kid from peleus that spelled the doom of lots of priam's kids = barebone parallel to harrow's creation

if this means we have to consider harrowhark to be either achilles, or hector, or achilles-and-hector... lol oh dear

(if that makes gideon either patroclus or andromache... bonus fear. terror even)

sarpedon

I mean as far as I remember admiral sarpedon wasn't that important so far, but sarpedon is a son of zeus in the iliad that patroclus kills while impersonating achilles. it's like his Big Kill. zeus considers saving him but the others are like 'you didn't let US save our kids' and he's like 'damn true :/' and stops trying to intervene

cytherea

allusive of aphrodite; it's another name for her, linked to the island where she was supposedly born from the seafoam. an interesting choice. I do like that the dress she's first described wearing is 'seafoam green frills' though, it's like a little clue. the wiki points out that cytheran aphrodite was adopted from the canaanite (ha ha) deity astarte, and had war-like aspects that were later suppressed, which makes a lot of sense.

might be worth noting that if we're going with the ouranos-genital-seafoam thing for aphrodite's origin, that in one version the furies including alecto were also created then, from his blood. they're basically sisters. fun. (or not so fun for john but whatever)

palamedes

palamedes in mythology was the one to put the infant telemachus in front of odysseus's plough, and therefore force odysseus to renounce his faked madness and go to troy; odysseus never forgave him for this, and one way or the other he gets him killed.

(one might also look to the arthurian sir palamedes, who was in unrequited love with iseult, lost her to sir tristan but wasn't a little bitch about it, and then goes on a quest concerning a 'questing beast', and eventually in one version he, percival and galahad trap the beast in a lake and slay it, so stick a pin in that why don't you)

originally called diomedes (who is, as tamsyn puts it, 'athena's favourite goodboy') but I think that could say interesting things about his ability to go up against lyctors (or even jod) since with a little help from an A-named goddess, the big thing diomedes does in the iliad is wound two gods and make them flee the battlefield... hm

also diomedes is one of the only ones who makes it out the other side of the trojan war lol

camilla:

possibly allusive of the warrior maiden camilla in book 11 of the aeneid, who kills hella men before being killed herself (because she's the token lady warrior on the opposite side in an ancient epic, she can't survive haha how preposterous.)

happily camilla as she is in the locked tomb cannot be killed off as camilla... because she no longer exists as camilla. paul's here now. say hi.

ulysses:

a (roman) name for odysseus. I know john SAYS he didn't name him after the mythological one, he named him after a dog (the implications there are so... bad), but john lies like a rug and frankly insisting that he didn't makes me feel even MORE like he did, or even if he's not lying it works anyway.

after all, odysseus wouldn't have gotten far without athena's divine intervention; one might even say he owes everything to his patron god, the same way ulysses literally owes everything to john since he and titania were the pet projects from pre-resurrection

I do not want to talk about james joyce I only read one chapter of ulysses for a seminar and that was enough thanks

also, what was ulysses known for but vanishing for ages, being presumed dead, then pulling back up miraculously Not Dead and killing a bunch of people. he could be back... he had that suspicious stoma death like augustine. this is making me realise that loads of the lyctors have suspect deaths

(also by the time the romans got to odysseus they were kind of dubious about him since he had a lot of non-roman traits like 'no honour' and 'outright lying to people for funzies' so if he does come back I half-expect him to be a bit of a nightmare lol but that's probably unfounded)

pyrrha:

as mentioned by tamsyn, the name that achilles takes while he's disgused as a woman on scyros to avoid the war, but exposes himself as achilles when he forgets himself and tries to fight instead of flee. I think the parallel there is pretty obvious lol

(and achilles's son, who goes absolutely nutters and kills loads of people in the siege of troy, is called neoptolemus... or pyrrhus.)

means red-haired as well lol... it's a great name for the g1deon / pyrrha / wake / gideon car crash going on

[cash4trolls]

goldenguillotines​:

“X Ohohoho WOW you are really nice looking~ You’re just a bouncer? Such a shame! You should be the main attraction. You look like the main singer type~X”

She giggles,

“X I’m DEFINITELY giving you a 9/10. Obsessed with your tattoos. They look SO good! X”

“Thanks hottie, you know the way straight to my heart. I end up on stage from time to time but not in the way you’re thinking. Bit more drinking and... running... in my situation... But it sounds like I should be calling you up whenever I need a quick motivation boost at the gym. You’ve got good taste in trolls and tattoos? What more could I ask for. 

Actually, you look like you’d be amazing to go to for outfit advice. I need someone to show me how to put in a little bit of effort into this shit, and I can already see that we’ve got the same idea about how much skin we need to be showing. 

Hit me up if you ever want some more piercings, you’d look really good with them and I can do them by hand - no guns or needles required.”

[galactic-glamour-girl-posts]

Let's Rank the Animaniacs segments!

The order won't surprise you too much if you've followed me for a while or have seen a few of my Animaniacs-related posts (although my opinions on some segments have changed), but I figured it would be fun to rank them anyway (plus it relates to something I wanted to say regarding the characters, but I'll save that for the end). Sub series like Wheel of Morality and Dot's Poetry Corner don't count.

Segments I actively dislike

Worst - Katie Ka-Boom

"lol teenage girls amiright?" No. Shut up. This isn't funny. Her catchphrase is dumb (“I’m not overreacting, I’m a teenager!”) and honestly her parents suck too (“Teenagers should be locked away until they’re 30.”) This is easily the most mean-spirited segment on the show, it reeks of bitterness.

The Hip Hippos

The fat jokes suck and both hippos are boring characters with no real goal or motivation; but they are a genuinely wholesome couple and the idea of out of touch high class people being the stars of a segment is at the very least a good idea, they just botched the execution.

Chicken Boo

The Chicken Boo segments are an okay joke told too many times in the exact same way.

Buttons and Mindy

This segment is too mean spirited and is basically the same segment every time but I'm ranking them higher than Boo because Buttons and Mindy, as characters, are adorable and actually have personalities, unlike Boo (I'm aware Boo being like that is the point, but still).

Segments that are...OK

Mime Time

I think The Mime being such a bland character actually improves these bumpers. I don't feel too bad when he gets hurt because we barely know him and his bumpers are brief, so we don't see him suffer for too long. Although I do think the slapstick is kinda just...fine.

The Flame

These are little boring. I feel like the Warners do a better job with educational segments. These segments pretty much just exist to teach US history, but in a more tame yet in your face about how great they want kids to think America is way than when Warner segments would.

Randy Beaman Kid/Colin

It sure is...a bumper.

The Incredible Gnome in People's Mouths

This might be the weirdest premise of any Animaniacs segment, and that's saying a lot. It's alright.

Good Idea Bad Idea

Easily the best non-sub series bumper for sure...but it's still just a bumper.

Starbox and Cindy

This segment is kind of like Buttons and Mindy but since the protagonist is a bad person, his pain can actually be funny. It's also kind of like Pinky, Elmyra and the Brain if they didn't turn an iconic double act into an unremarkable trio. Hearing Cindy ramble about random stuff in the background is both cute and funny (I'll admit the Gnome probably should be higher because it's more of an original idea...but Cindy's adorable so I'm putting this higher lol).

Goodfeathers

I didn't like their first segment, but a lot of their later ones are OK, even though many over-rely on the whole "and then the Goodfeathers get hurt" bit. They're not much more than a (now dated) reference, and I think the writers realised this eventually because they clearly gave up on them at one point. They get no segments in season 3, only one in season 4, in season 5 they just get cameos and bumpers, and they show up really late compared to everyone else in Wakko's Wish. Pesto's the only standout character here to me, I don't really care for Squit or Bobby.

Minerva Mink

I like how she loves to wallow in self pity about how hard her life is yet is incredibly vain, manipulative and loves to be ruder than she needs to be. She's not a saint, but that's funny! I would've put her segments in the next tier if not for 1-the fact that she only has two segments so she never got to reach her full potential as a character and 2-the sheer amount of perv-pandering...which happens to be the reason why she only has two segments.

Segments I like!

Rita and Runt

Their segments can be hit or miss, but I think the bad ones aren't bad enough and the good ones are good enough to warrant them being this high. Rita and Runt are both likeable characters, their segments aren't the funniest but they have a lot of heart. Not gonna lie Rita's probably the best singer on the show.

Slappy Squirrel

She's basically what would happen if a Looney Tunes character ever actually grew to be old. She solves modern day problems with old school cartoon solutions, she's great!

Pinky and the Brain

In truth, if it weren't for their spin off series and the Animaniacs reboot these guys would probably be under Slappy. I've dedicated at least four long posts to these two I'm not going into further detail lol.

Best - Yakko, Wakko, and Dot

Chaotic good puppy children live out every kid's fantasy of fighting back against adults who mistreat them or others, what's not to like? I like that out of all the characters (aside from Slappy) they're the best homage to classic cartoons, between their designs and the fact that they often have entire segments that are homages to classic cartoons, like "The Girl with the Googily Goop", "The Warner's Vault" or "Yakko Amakko". Plus the Warners have one of the least formulaic segments on the show so that helps-great songs, cute sibling/family shenanigans, fun parodies, and just a whole bunch of zany chaos!

In all seriousness, the main reason I made this post is because a couple times I've seen people post/tweet something along the lines of "real Animaniacs fans like all/most segments" or "a true Animaniacs fan should like *blah blah blah* segments" and I just wanted to say...no.

If you only watch the show for the Warners, or just Slappy, or both Pinky and the Brain and Starbox and Cindy, or just Rita and Runt, Hip Hippos and Mime Time, or even literally only for Katie Kaboom, that's valid.

There's no quota for which segments you have to like. If you're a fan, you're a fan, no one else gets to decide that.

[evansbby]

the blurb is definitely not what i was expecting, but it was amazing and intriguing nonetheless, so i mean that in the best way possible!!

i, as a reader, cannot fully grasp what a writer's intentions are, nor can i, as myself, fully explain, what i've interpreted, but ill try lol

i think the drabble was a really good way to showcase more of steve and omega's dynamic. his dominance and manipulation are evident, but also subtle in his character. you've done a very great job at incorporating the alpha/omega dynamic to ur story!!!

you also did a stellar job at showing omega's insecurity in her relationship with steve given how she responded to the girls + her hesitance to explain. i also feel like it provided more insight to Steve's role, it's like he's so simple, but SO COMPLEX, and it really amplifies and connects the reader to omega!!!

even though his logic is insanely convoluted, it makes sense coming from steve considering the way he treats omega as a girlfriend. the feelings are there, but it's just frustrating (in a good way) to see it BECAUSE of the character you've built around steve.

this is very long-winded and i won't be offended if you don't respond, but i have had a lot to say about poyt and even though it's all over the place, i just wanted to tell you that you're an insanely creative writer and EVEN THOUGH STEVE AGGRAVATES THE HELL OUT OF ME, you've made me his omega thru such incredible reader dynamics that i can hardly ever find so well-written!! thanks for the time and effort you put in your stories, it is not for vain!!

Ahhhh thank you sm for this detailed feedback!! Honestly, please be as long-winded as you want bc I live for these sort of asks!! And it makes me happy when people understand and interact with what I’m trying to convey!! In the drabble, Steve is super manipulative and omega is very insecure — those are their two main traits, respectively. But there’s slight sweetness/softness/good intention in Steve’s manipulation and omega also kind of stands her ground a bit here, so they’re both deviating slightly… if that makes sense!! Not too much, but slightly!!!

[sword-and-lance]

((I did threaten to inflict this Lahaship OC on people and It Is Time :D

and tbqh y’all can also blame my good friend Amba (as in the player) for this one, because this is technically kinda her OC by proxy (the original ship was a wild-ass crossover RP thread thing lmao, she just gave me permission to run with it in public with an XIV-ization of it)

SO, ABOUT NEREUS

ignore the white mask I can’t be assed to Crime that off lol

He technically grew up in an Ancient settlement by the sea and proved to have a really whopping big aptitude for not only water magic but also for healing magic, which his (healer) parents were very thrilled about

He was also rather pretty and maybe a bit vain about that, and spends a fair bit of time on it, despite Ancient society being all for conformity and the like, rather than sticking out

Eventually he got scouted for a seat in the Convocation as a young adult, specifically for the seat of Emmerololth

Mitron was…not pleased at the notion of bringing in someone so good at water magic too, and for a bit there was kinda paranoid that Nereus was there to eventually take his job, and while he eventually snapped outta that, he’s always been a bit abrasive to Nereus-as-Emmerololth because of it (and Nereus hasn’t ever been fond of him, either, in turn)

Nereus struck up a friendship with Apollo/Hythlodaeus that became very close, if just because they have the exact same sense of humor pretty much

(Yes I have “Hythlodaeus” as being another title, because I can, shh)

He proved to be very good at his job, and his honesty and solid sense of what was right for the star and its people meant he rapidly fit in well with the Fourteen

…He was also capable of being a bit fussy and dramatic, and a bit more into indulging himself in various things than was entirely “proper”, especially for someone of the Convocation

Still though man’s good as hell at healing and gets along decently well with most people, so they could kinda…overlook that flaw in favor of his skills and good working relationships with other people

(That said, Mitron was never entirely fond of him and Pashtarot looked down on his propensity for indulgence, because in her eyes it was an affront to the discipline and order her seat embodied)

He actually took his seat slightly before Hephaistos did, and at first wasn’t sure what to make of the man, other than he was very uptight and needed to loosen up

Not that he had any way of knowing that the Speaker’s seat was one of THE most stressful ones to have, though, since the prior one had basically been unflappable even in the worst of situations; he mostly just chalked the new Lahabrea’s attitude up to Hephaistos being very...Type A, personality-wise

Aaaaaand then he saw the new Lahabrea getting scrutinized way harder than even he had been outside of maybe Mitron/Pashtarot and was. Confused about that. And kinda concerned, but all he could really do was try to keep the worst of the heat off of him by way of interjecting himself into the fray whenever the interrogations and shit got out of hand

Later on he did realize that they were mostly scrutinizing him so hard because the man was utterly and ridiculously powerful; Ancient society was very incredibly worried about those kinds of people doing a huge amount of evil too fast to be easily stopped, and while Nereus didn’t at all agree with his society’s/the Fourteen’s approach, he could at least understand the concerns.

(He had been subjected to some of it, himself, though the fact that there was too much Nereus in the way for him to do that kind of thing earned him more leeway than Hephaistos ever got–in addition, Hephaistos was a lot more blunt and prickly to everyone and had little in the way of social skills after spending so much of his life doing damn near nothing but academia, and that did not help)

(Yes Ancients do their best to be impartial but they’re still people in the end)

He did his best to get along with Lahabrea and kept offering to help, but Lahabrea was admittedly suspicious as hell of his intentions for a while before he realized that no Nereus was actually pretty serious about wanting to help him

Even then though Lahabrea still had a good deal of pride and was all no I don’t need that I can handle myself and Nereus obliged and dropped it, because you can’t help someone who doesn’t want it and also he wanted to keep a good working relationship with the man, and pushing it was a one-way ticket to earning Lahabrea’s resentment

Didn’t stop him from keeping a leash on the others when they got too hard on him, though

His department, the Nosokomeio, had a fairly tight-knit relationship with Lahabrea’s, of course (what with creation magic and the study thereof being quite dangerous even on a good day), and in turn it meant he and Lahabrea were commonly collaborating on reports and the like

He also worked a lot with Emet-Selch courtesy of the whole Underworld thing (I mean if you can’t successfully heal people that’s where they go), though he was never close to him like he was Apollo/Hythlodaeus

(He was also, tbh, kinda jealous of the two of them because he never could really keep a relationship going for too long--people thought he was a bit too much just in general, if a relationship even "clicked" at all in the first place, and he kinda recognized that and found it depressing)

He was mostly just very lonely at the time especially with Lahabrea also falling in love with Athena around this time and having a son with her; it kinda felt like he was being defined entirely by his work and not for who he was, and even if societal expectation was that he should be fine with that he kiiiiinda couldn’t help but feel lonely anyway

Apollo/Hyth did his best to keep him from getting too weird about it, at least, and while Nereus did attempt to date around he mostly just found that it didn't work and just stopped trying after a bit, even if he did kinda screw around a bit (given that Ancients were less uhhhh uptight about that sort of thing in my headcanon)

He didn’t fail to notice through all of that, though, that there was a nasty uptick in Incidents at the Words of Lahabrea after a few years of Athena being there; especially when Pandaemonium was built, it started to look like there were more and nastier escapees and attacks, and even the Words’ concept-catcher division was getting more strained and more overwhelmed and understaffed as people either burnt out emotionally or physically (or both)

He did think it was weird but frankly he was too busy to investigate it himself, what with having more and more people to heal and research how to fix, and left that investigation to other people

Then he got called in to Pandaemonium personally after Athena had “gotten killed right in front of Lahabrea” and ofc he couldn’t do anything about that by then, and he had to go tell Lahabrea himself because he was not going to let the poor man hear that bad news secondhand

Lahabrea’s reaction was…very weird and blunted, and while he initially chalked it up to being in shock and was actually kind of right about that, it really wasn’t for the reasons he thought it was

He still kept an eye on him afterwards and was actually one of the first people to raise concerns that he was really not doing right by Erichthonios, though ofc Lahabrea was just…way too traumatized and refused to deal with it much to everyone’s frustration but especially Nereus’

So yeah he saw that this was a giant mess even if he had the courtesy to not drag it out into the limelight for everyone to fucking gawk at (and didn't know the real cause of it at the time)

In fact he was instrumental in suggesting Hesperos for Pandaemonium-work; he had initially applied to the Nosokomeio, but Nereus thought him better suited to research work (which turns out that was 100% correct), and also thought that having someone that genuinely caring and nice at Pandaemonium would do Erich some good, though ofc he didn’t say that to anyone except maybe Apollo

By this point he had become quite familiar with Artemis (as in Ancient!Amba) and also Nemesis, courtesy of being besties with Apollo (her brother), and while Lahabrea’s department got to Nemesis first just a few years after Nereus took his position, Nereus had finally realized just how stupid-powerful Artemis was, after she had worked in his department for so long, and started training her to take over his position

(He did love his job yes but he was getting tired and also realized that Artemis actually deadass outclassed him in healing ability and was therefore just the natural choice to take over the seat–and also she was just generally A Good Bean if a really scary one sometimes lol)

Curiously though it was Lahabrea who insisted that he at least hang around in an advisory capacity for Artemis, and Nereus conceded even after handing her the mask, in part because he was getting rather attached to the man at this point

(And the man was getting rather attached to him and was just too emotionally constipated to realize it :P)

They basically slowburned their way into a relationship over quite a bit of time and it was all rather confusing for a while for both of them but Lahabrea most of all, considering the Everything going on in his head

Artemis was also 100% aware of this but just kinda ran with it because it both wasn't her business and also was adorable

(Nemesis was of the opinion that they should JUST FUCK ALREADY but had the sense to keep that thought to herself)

They did eventually fall in love and everything with each other though and it was Good--Lahabrea actually appreciates Nereus' straightforwardness and honesty and a lot of Nereus' excesses are tempered by, well, having Lahabrea, and they're both still nerds but not to the excessively toxic extent it was with Athena

Which he actually does learn what Lahabrea did, eventually, and is majorly horrified for Lahabrea and it suddenly clicks in his head why the man is like that, and he automatically just agrees to keep it a secret and is actually able to help him start working through Some Stuff, just one little bit at a time

(His main expertise might be healing the body but he isn't completely oblivious on how to help the mind, either, at least as long as the person involved wants to be helped!)

Erichthonios is always a bit standoffish at him but actually does realize that this is generally a good thing, and especially after learning what happened basically rolls with that relationship, though he never does consider Nereus his dad yet (because shit is Complicated even after all of that)

…Then the Final Days hits and Shenanigans Occurs (what shenanigans I haven’t entirely figured out yet, probably gonna wait for the third raid tier to actually make a full decision on it)

Nereus’ soul actually manages to escape the Sundering in the same way that Artemis/Amba’s did (namely: REASONS~), but unlike Artemis who just reincarnated into Amba, his spirit actually found his way into the bottom of a lake and just. Aetherially made himself a body out of it

Coincidentally the lake wound up being deep in the Black Shroud and Amba’s family settled around it and treated him as an elemental, which…KINDA, I GUESS

He was basically just hella depressed at that point though and didn’t speak much to other people and didn’t even recognize Amba as Artemis or Brannon as Apollo, by the time they came back into the world

(Or he didn’t recognize them yet :) )

He was also entirely unaware of Lahabrea being Like That in the outside world at that point until the man actually fucking died again, at which point (being basically an aetherial construct with a soul in it) he felt that and realized that oh fuck that’s where he went isn't it

He then spends basically all of ARR through EW trying to fish his husband's soul back out and actually succeeds around the end of 6.0 

Because yeah actually I kinda wanna dick about with that for a Dae plot at some point assuming that the third raid tier doesn’t totally fuck over my ideas here))

[transsexualhamlet]

sherlock holmes reactions part six (aka me losing my mind over the final problem)

Hi, I am once again reminding you all that I've formed a parasocial relationship with the crackhead detective 👍 This made me overly emotional for the fact that he didnt even die

But like

hhhmmmmmmmm those were certainly an interesting 14 pages

Yeah, I already made a post about how the final problem relates to yuumori's final problem and how incredibly sexy it is but yes now I'd just like to relay to you how absolutely heart brocken i am over this lol I will eventually get to reading the post hiatus stories i just. I haven't emotionally recovered from this yet

Yelling below the cut somehow this reaction feels longer than the story itself. but it's about half cracking jokes and half sobbing so be prepared

I mean, starting off strong with "well yknow since i got married my and sherlock's Very Intimate Relations had to be modified and all but we hadnt seen each other in a while so it was kind of jarring to see him crawling in my second story bedroom window clutching Wounds and closing the shutters absolutely fucking wasted losing his mind over some dude named moriarty"

We've been over this but. Oh my god why are they gay

I just like????? Imagine how fucking bizzare that would be to just see your old homie crawl into your window bleeding on your floor and asking to exit the other way in case he's followed like "hey bro can we Talk i hope you're not busy" WHAT IS HE SUPPOSED TO DO, SAY HE IS? Imagine watson just like "no dude I'm fucking busy go get killed"

But legitimately. That's certainly something. And like, I see a lot of books starting like this lmao but. Holmes's stuff usually starts off kind of easily with watson going "yeah so lately ive been Experiencing Sherlock Holmes" and spend 20 minutes on exposition with them having a Conversation but no. mans just fucking escaped a hitman and went directly to his boyfriend's house having apparently Never Before In His Goddamn Life mentioned his actual nemesis to this guy. How the FUCK has watson never heard of him before.

And how sherlock starts talking about it isn't any less funny he's just like "UHHH SO THERE'S THIS GUY. THIS ABSOLUTE MAN. AND HES REALLY IMPRESSIVE I MEAN HES LIKE SUPER FUCKING SMART AND HES LIKE DOING CRIMES????? SO I LIKE. I NOTICED AS I DO BUT HE NOTICED THAT I NOTICED AND I MIGHT HAVE MADE A LITTLE FUCKY WUCKY DUDE CAN YOU HELP ME LIKE. FLEE THE COUNTRY" and watson's like my dear sherlock What The Fuck

Im also loving how he calls moriarty a "mathematical celebrity" awhi;grih;oaewhhta;ioh;iaewh;ii;oewh;eh;rg mans just. ok lol hes a Math Celebrity that had to quit his math teacher job because EVERYONE JUST KNEW HE WAS A CRIME LORD LIKE THEY TOOK ONE LOOK AT HIM AND WENT MANS DEFINITELY HAS BODIES IN HIS BASEMENT I DONT WANT HIM TEACHING HERE

But yeah, it was interesting to see what the big deal about og moriarty was... especially since the deal simply did not deliver. There was not really a big deal. It's like reading the first chapter of a book and immediately skipping to the climax. Everything is so hyped up and clearly having been building for years and you just get like NO CONTEXT. I swear Moriarty wasn't goddamn mentioned any time before this. He's just suddenly the big guy and watson has just never fucking heard shit about this guy.

What's so funny about this whole situation is that I just. Cannot objectively know anything about Moriarty at all because sherlock just... does not go into what this dude's alleged crimes even were, other than. The fact that he like. Does them. He's just really involved in crimes. How? Why? For how long? In what way? For what purpose? NO FUCKING CLUE HE JUST. HE JUST DOES. And there's nothing to really suggest that Moriarty was honestly a really evil guy. They're all like trust me he was just. he was just really bad but show absolutely No examples of being such. The most evil thing we saw Moriarty do personally was call sherlock stupid for letting him get into the apartment. And even then he immediately followed it up with complimenting him lol

yeah, my impression of Moriarty was like. I expected him to be worse, honestly. I expected him to be like a cartoon villain because he was kind of made out to be one and then he's just honestly a really polite and refined guy?? Mans strolls the fuck into 221B like hi shawty and it is Not like yuumori obviously man's holding a gun but like. What the fuck they are just. They have never met before but They Clearly Have and it's. its so weird

Like honestly I don't dislike og moriarty. He's really what william tried to be (and fucking failed, but beside the point) but like. Dude's so powerful and for what. He just walks into the apartment with No Pretense like why sherlock holmes is that a revolver or are you just happy to see me oh my goodness you are a dolt why would you hold the gun that way. disgusting. disgraceful. dreadful. Oh my god. I love him I'm sorry

abngnahhghifeah;iewh and Why does sherlock describe him like that hes like "MANS A REALLY REFINED LIZARD /pos" HIEHIFEHW:HGIHOEWFEEW FOR WHAT. FOR W H A T

baaaaaaaaghhhhhh but likeeeee they went STRAIGHT to "you know what I'm here for" "you know how I'm going to respond" "well then" "yeah" "mhm" "damn well it really do be like that sometimes" "ur really smart by the way" "im fucking aware let's kill each other as we both Thought in our Minds" "yes lets" AHDHDHDHDFS WTF THIS IS INSANE

But damn uh. mutual destruction my beloved this is very different from sherliam but im not. im not. opposed to it tucks hair behind ear

I just. Holy shit they really went "if you destroy me I will ensure that we both go down hand in unlovable hand" "I wouldn't mind that"

Annnnd I just noticed that the actual lines for this part kind of. that kind of happened in chapter 31 when sherlock was like i would Gladly die to take down the lord of crime and william was like. hahahah yeahNO NO NO NO

BUT SERIOUSLY THO IM LOSING MY MIND OVER HOW SHERLOCK SAYS THIS WHOLE THING TO WATSON AND HES LIKE DAMN SHAWTY HES LIKE THE REASON FOR HALF THE CRIME IN THIS CITY BUT HES SO NICE THO??? LIKE I EXPECTED HIM TO BE TOUGH AND EVERTHING NO HES JUST SOME POLITE PROPER UNDERSTANDABLE MAN WHO JUST HAPPENS TO BE VERY DIABOLICAL shawty is having a Crisis

And then watson is like wowww that was cool you wanna spend the night and sherlock is like "UNFORTUNATELY BESTIE I AM BEING FUCKING TRACKED DOWN ID LIKE YOU TO NOT DIE WITH ME"

This bit gave me a Moment Moment because oh my god. Then watson is like "no shut up i'm coming with you i don't care" and i just had to Take A Minute because THEY SWITCHED PLACES AAH SHERLOCK IS TRYING TO KEEP WATSON SAFE NOW AND WATSON IS NOW MORE RECKLESS BC OF HIM AND. AHHHH

Completely random but. How sherlock still refers to 221B as "our rooms" to watson even though watson hasn't lived their in years........ shawty i am emotional.........

SO THEY GODDAMN FLEE THE COUNTRY TOGETHER BC WATSON SAYS THEY HAVE TO STICK TOGETHER AND SHERLOCK HAS A MOMENT WHERE HE'S LIKE YEAH NEVERMIND PLEASE GO HOME WATSON AND WATSON IS JUST LIKE. NO. AND HSERLOCK IS LIKE. DAMN OK I HAVE NEVER HEARD YOU SAY THAT BEFORE

But. Ok as funny as this is. They have this fucking Conversation on the train to switzerland where sherlock is like "I have not lived in vain" and watson is like "YOURE NOT DYING" and hes like "i have not lived in vain. like i said. this will not be a bad way to die" UHHHHHH DAMN SHAWTY

hhhhhh and it just Gets. it. it. it Gets. These fuckers get to switzerland and they stay in a hotel and then leave for reichenbach but watson gets this goddamn letter telling him that hes needed at the hotel to basically save this lady's life. And he doesn't. Like. he doesn't even want to go he's like FUCK IT SHE CAN DIE IM NOT LEAVING YOU but sherlock convinces him to go fULLY KNOWING THE LETTER WAS FUCKING FAKED BY MORIARTY JUST AS A PLOY TO GET HIM ALONE

AND THEN HE JUST. WENT ANYWAY AND WATSON HAD TO WATCH HIM JUST LIKE GODDAMN WALK OFF INTO THE SUNSET LIKE "LITTLE DID I KNOW THIS WOULD BE THE LAST TIME I WOULD SEE HIM BUT IT JUST. IT HAD THAT VIBE YKNOW"

God I just. Wow sherlock really did that huh. He really went and did that. And I went over it in the post about this compared to yuumori but it just RUINED me how watson just. Never saw what happened and there's just so little information about it that all they have is these assumptions and pieces that just suggest that these guys met up, walked up to the goddamn waterfall having a nice civil conversation about how talented and smart they both were at this and how they revealed their methods to each other and complimented them because of course they did

And they just sat up there talking to each other so long and Moriarty legit waited politely or even possibly was the one that suggested he write a letter to watson in which sherlock just went "damn lol moriarty's pretty nice actually anyway uhhhh sorry watson ily ✌" and just like. left it up there in his damn cigarette box

But just like. damn the insinuation that moriarty just sat there and watched while he wrote that entire goddamn letter, sealed it up, and then got up and went alright buddy let's go but it makes no goddamn sense if they wanted to actually kill each other and assure they themselves would survive I could name like 23 different ways they could have managed it so easily and they Didn't. they were really set on mutual destruction huh. There's no way they were even trying to do anything but Die Together at that point and that's Something huh

It absolutely baffles me how they could say that these guys had plummetted like, holding each other tho. Like. ok lol but How Do You Even Know

It was certainly a ride. But the fact that Watson had to actively try to think like Sherlock to figure out what happened in the scene was just. The cherry on top. Especially after they'd consciously started to switch roles in this i just. Damn.

In conclusion uhhhhhhhh gay people real I suppose

[dalamjisung]

what you want ❋ bambam

word count: 4213

genre: angst, college!au

pairing: reader x bambam

description: people have been feeding you lies about the boy in your class. it’s time to learn the truth by yourself

Everyone knows him before he even says his name. Well, before he even says his nickname; his name is too long and too foreign for most. It starts with his clothes; all designer brands and fashion forward, with their bright colors and bedazzles. Then, the accessories come next, shinning more than the street lamps in the Main Ave. But it is mostly his attitude that confirms his identity; from his smirk and brooding eyes, to even the way he walks, going around as if he owns the place and everyone in it. He screams young and rich; and indeed he is. BamBam is probably the richest kid you know, and he is not afraid to flaunt it. 

You two have been in the same college for two years now, and in the same class for about a month, since the beginning of the semester, and lo and behold, BamBam is yet to learn your name. He is everything you despise; arrogant, stupid, and inconsiderate– or at least, you heard him to be like that. You’ve never interacted with the boy with the few exceptions of homework exchange in the class group chat, and you hope to stay that way; you aren’t interested in whatever hookup tales and travel stories he has to tell, your life is hard enough as it is, trying to balance work and school, you didn’t have to feel bad about being broke, either. 

The problem is that you were really good friends with Jackson, a Chinese exchange upperclassmen, and he, in turn, is really good friends with BamBam. You are also friends with Youngjae and Jinyoung, two great guys that happen to also be friends with BamBam. It made you cautious, if anything, since every time you want to vent about the stupidities of the Thai boy, you have to make sure that it isn’t to his friends, not wanting to put them in a very uncomfortable position– and that is really hard, considering the fact that BamBam is good friends with everyone. 

It isn’t until the day before your Literature midterm that you lose it. The college is already in pure chaos thanks to the exams, and people are being even more inconsiderate than usual, but you don’t have it in you to complain– you are too shy to say anything. Even though you are the class’ representative, it is really hard for you to be the center of attentions; it makes you incredibly uncomfortable to have all eyes on you, and you signed up for the class rep. position as a way to challenge yourself to be more out there. It had been Jackson’s idea, and he’s helping you out ever since. 

“Excuse me.”

You look up from where you are standing just to come face to face with Kim Yugyeom, aka BamBam’s best friend. 

“Yes?” You ask, voice wavering a little bit. You have to admit; this boy’s height is enough to intimidate you, now adding the beauty on top of it all is just too much. 

“You’re the class representative, right?” He asks with a wide smile.

“…yeah,” You nod slowly. What’s the catch? “What can I help you with, Yugyeom?”

“Oh, you even know my name,” He teases, throwing you a wink. “I just need help with the new topic in Psychology… I wasn’t in school last week and I’m afraid that if I don’t catch up now, I never will.”

“Oh,” Your eyes go wide. You never said anything to anyone, but you’ve also heard things about Kim Yugyeom, and they were the same, if not worse, them the things you’ve heard about BamBam. You wanted to say no, and just save yourself from the disaster that this is bound to turn into, but you can’t– this is your job, after all. “Sure. I-I can help you, I think…”

“Great!” He smiles even wider and for a second you think his cheeks are about to rip. “Would today at 5PM work? At the coffee shop in front of the dance building”

“Yeah,” You sigh, already throwing your plans to re-watch Friends out of the window. “I guess it does.”

“Thank you so much, class rep!” Yugyeom gives you two thumbs up and his eyes are almost disappearing under the big smile on his face. Suddenly, his face falls, and his eyes are not two squints anymore, but two huge brown orbs staring at you intently. “Ah! I forgot to ask! I have a friend who was also gone and is also struggling with the new topic… is it alright if he comes with?”

“Of course, who–“

Before you can ask, Yugyeom is already gone, running through the halls squealing in excitement. You sigh, tiredly, already knowing who to blame for this. 

[y/n: how could you betray me like this?]

[jackson: idk what you’re talking about]

[y/n: fess up, heathen]

[y/n: you were the one that told yugyeom to ask me for help]

[jackson: goddammit he told you, didn’t he?]

[y/n: he didn’t have to -_-]

[y/n: yugyeom doesn’t care about school, but he does care about his hyungs]

[jackson: lol what?]

[y/n: what?]

[jackson: who told you that?]

[jackson: yugyeom is the biggest nerd I’ve ever met]

[jackson: and I’m friends with YOU]

You roll your eyes at that. Sure, you like getting good grades, and sure, you might not be the most socially active person, but you wouldn’t call yourself a nerd. And you wouldn’t call Yugyeom a nerd, either… at least not from what you’ve been told. Well, I guess people can be wrong.

Shrugging it off, you try to focus on the rest of your classes, but you can’t. If you had it wrong about Yugyeom, what else could you possibly have been misinformed? Shaking it off, you start making your way to the coffee shop, hoping to get there a little earlier than Yugyeom and his friend to collect yourself and prepare your notes. 

You realize your efforts were in vain when you see the two boys through the window, with a couple of girls laughing at something they said. Your eyes didn’t miss the pile of books and notes on the table and you smile a little; maybe you were wrong about them, and maybe that is okay. Maybe the friend he brought is a nice guy, and maybe you could make new friends, and maybe– just maybe– Jackson is right; they are worth a shot. 

The door jingles when you walk in and you smile when you see Mark behind the counter.

“Y/N,” He calls loudly, and you walk over just for him to give you a cup of coffee. “What’re you doing here?”

“I came over to help Yugyeom and his friend with some work they missed when they were out last week,” You shrug, and Mark eyes go wide.

“Uh, I thought you didn’t like BamBam…” Mark goes off slowly, a little confused with the situation.

“What?” You laugh. “I said Yugyeom.”

“You’re in for a surprise,” It’s all Mark says before walking away to help another customer. 

Just as you are about to call him back, Yugyeom walks over to you and grabs your heavy bag. 

“Over here, Y/N,” He smiles and guides you to the table you saw him before. “Girls, it was nice meeting you, but now we have to get back to studying.”

“We’ll see you guys at the party Friday,” One of them says and leaves, chuckling with her friend. 

“Y/N, thank you so much for agreeing to help us out,” Yugyeom starts, as you focused on getting your books out of your bag. “This is BamBam, by the way, I’m not sure if you two ever met.”

You’re in for a surprise. 

This is it; you were going to kill Mark Tuan. 

“Nice to meet you,” BamBam smiles and sure, it’s adorable and innocent looking, but you aren’t about to be fooled. “I’m BamBam.”

“I know,” You say shortly, ignoring the hand. “I am sure everyone knows.”

BamBam’s brows go up high and his eyes get wide. 

“Sure…” He says uncomfortably. “Should we start?”

You smile awkwardly at that and tell them to open their books. The evening goes by quickly– Yugyeom and BamBam, as much as you hate saying it, are great students. They pay attention and seem to grasp the subject quickly, even taking notes and asking questions. BamBam is not as enthusiastic as Yugyeom, but you can clearly see he is trying his best. Maybe I was wrong, you sigh in defeat, looking at the dark street as you wait for them to finish a worksheet you gave them. Maybe he is not that bad… maybe people are wrong about him. 

“Finished!” BamBam announces with a bright grin. You take a quick look to find that most of his answers were correct, with the exception of a couple. He would’ve been one of the highest scores in the class had he been there on the day of the quiz. 

“Well, congrats,” You smile a bit and he mirrors you. “You got it mostly right. I don’t think you need my help any further.”

“What about me?” Yugyeom hands your the worksheet and you laugh joyously as you read it over. “You got them all right,” You chuckle, honestly happy about the progress of the two boys. “You guys are good to go.”

They do a weird handshake and then look at you again. “Thank you so much for helping us, Y/N,” Yugyeom smiles. “Now we’re all caught up with the class.”

“And to celebrate,” BamBam smirks and you can feel something change; a switch in the air, per se, and suddenly there is a slight tension looming over you guys. “Why don’t you come to the party on Friday? It’s over at Jaebeom hyung’s and–“

“I’ll pass,” Your smile is gone now, and all you can think of is the huge amount of people that would certainly be there– the bodies, the loud music, the smell… all of those together are not a good combination for you. “But thanks, BamBam.”

“Why?” He laughs, and it feels a little odd, almost as if he is laughing at you. “It’ll be fun, come on!”

“Bam, I think she’s not into that kind of stuff,” Yugyeom tried to reason. 

“Yeah, it’s really not for me,” You shrug. “But thanks, anyways.”

“No, don’t knock it ‘till you try it!” BamBam says a little too loudly and you wince, retreating into yourself. “I promise we’ll make it worth your while; you need to relax a little, Y/N!”

And without even knowing, BamBam crossed a line you aren’t sure he can uncross. Mark, hearing all of it as he got ready to leave, made his way over to your table in hopes of smoothing things down, but you were too wind up.

“I’m sorry, what did you just say to me?” You are seething, and any normal person could see it. 

“I said you need to relax,” To top it all, BamBam rolls his eyes at you, and you have to hold back from choking him unconscious. “You know, you are always talking about school and all and I just think that if you go to the party, you’ll have fun… for once!”

“I do have fun,” You mumble through gritted teeth, and you see the exact moment BamBam noticed your clenched fists. “And it might not be your concept of fun, but I enjoy it nonetheless. Not all of us shit money and fuck everything that walks; I have things I need to worry about, unlike you. You don’t even know me, what gives you the right to judge me?”

Mark gasps from behind you, and his hands are on yours, pulling you way from BamBam, but the latter holds you by the elbow with a strong grip. You can’t quite get a good look at him because of his hair, but you could feel it; BamBam was pissed and his anger was overpowering.

“That’s very hypocritical of you,” He whispers in your ear. “Class rep.”

Mark drags you out of there before you can answer, but in all honesty, you weren’t sure you could– he was right, after all. 

                                                       ------------------------

The week goes by quickly and Friday approaches as if it was a very important day– and it could be, if you consider movie night with Jackson and Jinyoung a special occasion that occurs every week. What you get, though, when you arrive at their place, is not what you are expecting. 

Jackson looks out of the ordinary good; he has a nice shirt on and his hair is sleeked back. Jinyoung is sitting on the couch looking like he always does, yet still looking incredible. They were clearly waiting for you, since you barely have time to put the snack bag down before your friends are pushing you out the door and inside a taxi. You squeeze in the back, confused and slightly amused, as you hear Jackson spit out the final address. 

“Isn’t that Jaebeom’s address?” You mutter out loud, and just as you connect the dots, the car is moving. “Guys, no.”

“Yes.” They say in unison. 

“Enough is enough, Y/N,” Jackson states. “We’ve always let you be because we know you get really anxious about parties and new people, but Mark told us what happened a few days ago. Look, it was not right for BamBam to just tell you all of that, he doesn’t know half of your story, but you need to stop this.”

“What are you even talking about?”

“You live your life studying and working– which is great! Don’t get us wrong, we’re not saying for you to drop all of your responsibilities and party all the time,” Jinyoung shrugs. “But you are 21… You are living your prime days doing homework. That’s not living. We’ve always been here for you, and we will always be here for you, life goes beyond school. You have to admit, BamBam was right– it’s time to have fun.”

You groan, pained to hear those words. “I know he was right,” You mumble, looking out of the window. “I know I’m a hypocritical bitch. Anything else you want to rub in my face, Jinyoung?”

“That’s not what I meant at all,” He gasps. “What the hell did BamBam say to you?”

You shake your head in disappointment. Not at the boys; they had a point. You really needed to live beyond your dorm walls and have some fun, as much as you hated hearing that; it hurt on a level that you never wanted to reach. You were disappointed in yourself. It wasn’t always like this, and the fact that you allowed yourself to fall back into this routine killed you. You weren’t happy, you knew that, but you were content, and for a second, that seemed better than being vulnerable. 

“Just some stuff,” You finally answer. “He wasn’t wrong, though.”

“But apparently we were,” Jackson sighs, worried eyes set on you. He could read you like a book. “I’m sorry, Y/N, we don’t know the full picture, and we thought this would be a good idea but–”

Well isn’t this ironic?

“We can go back if you want?” Jinyoung frowns, ready to tell the driver to go back. He could see the hurt in your face, and it killed him to see you like this. They hated that you were always cooped up in your room on the weekends, complaining about your loud neighbors and watching dramas online, but seeing you hurt is way worse. “We don’t want you to change, love; we just want to show you something new.”

You nod slowly. “Sure,” You say, taking a deep breath. “I need to go to that party, anyways…”

“You do?!” They look at each other incredulously. 

“Yeah,” You sigh, closing your eyes and enjoying the cold feeling of the glass window on your forehead. “I need to apologize to someone.”

                                                     ------------------------

The events that follow were expected. Jinyoung is whisked away by an excited Yugyeom, whom in return receives a slap to the head. Jackson lasts a little longer with you; holding your hand in a comforting way whenever he noticed you were getting too overwhelmed. Mark and Youngjae join you two, surprised and happy with your presence. They’ve been doing this for so long, you think. And I never knew. Your friends never talked about parties with you, and you never wondered why until today.

“We never wanted to make you uncomfortable,” Youngjae explains once you ask. “We party a lot, to be honest, and we always wanted you to come, but you made it very clear you hate things like this so…”

Your face falls at that. They always stayed in whenever you asked, and you never even gave them the chance to ask you to come out. You felt like the worst friend in the world. 

“I’m sorry,” You say and his eyes go wide. “Next time I promise I’ll come with. I want to have fun with you guys, too.”

“Ya, seriously?” Youngjae smiles wide, surprised. “You can’t take it back!”

“I won’t!” You promise, laughing with your friend. “I’m sorry I’ve been a bad friend, Youngjae.”

“You were never a bad friend, Y/N,” He smiles. “We understand. Movie nights are fun in a different way; they are comfortable and cozy, and if that’s what you needed, we were happy to provide. But sometimes you need some excitement, and that’s what parties are for… we didn’t want to pressure you, so we never said anything. We just waited until you were ready– and I guess you are now.”

You nod, hugging him tight, before wandering off alone, in search of the person you went there to see. You end up in the kitchen, and you think that maybe fetching yourself a beer won’t hurt too much. 

“Here,” You hear someone say from behind you, and your cheeks brighten once you realize you were noticeably lost. “You’re looking for beer, right?”

“Ah,” You turn around and smile. “Yes. Thanks, Yugyeom.”

“Didn’t think I’d see you here after what happened in the coffee shop,” He deadpans, and you can feel it once again. The tension. “You know, I always thought you were pretty cool, Y/N. The hyungs talk about you a lot, and I always saw you as this funny person, even though you don’t talk much.”

You don’t say anything. You know exactly where this is going and you allow it; you deserve it.

“I never pegged you as a judgmental person,” He chuckles. “Mainly because everyone judges you. I don’t know, I thought you’d be all that Jackson hyung told me… but I was wrong. I guess we really don’t know you, after all.”

“That’s not fair,” You chuckle. “I get what you’re saying, and I’m sorry. This is what I came here to do; apologize. But what you’re doing is not fair.”

“How so?” He smiles a bit. 

“I judged unfairly, and for that I apologize,” You say, voice seeping honesty. “But you’re doing the exact same. I had a reason to react the way I did, the same way BamBam had a reason to react the way he did. You’re taking sides, Yugyeom.” “Well, of course I am,” He shrugs. “BamBam is my best friend.”

You laugh at that– a full blown laugh, with your head back and happy giggles in the end. “That does make sense. I am happy he has someone like you, Yugyeom.”

And with those words, the bright smiled boy you met before was back. “Thanks, Y/N. Now, if you must know, BamBam is in the back porch. Things got a little too much for him in here, so he went there to get some air.”

“Thanks Yugy,” You say and before you can leave, he grabs your hand.

“Once you get sorted out with BamBam,” He chuckles. “Can we be friends? Jackson hyung told me some hilarious stories about you, and I’ve been meaning to talk to you for a while now…”

“Of course we can,” You smile. “I’ve heard a lot about you, too.”

“Good or bad?” He shouts, surprising you. “Say good, please.”

“Bye Yugyeom!”

Finding the back porch was harder than you thought, but you manage. You see his jacket before you see him, and in your defense, you couldn’t really not see the bedazzled black jacket on the ground. BamBam is right next to it, though, laying down on the wooden floor, and you panic. Is he alright? Did he drink too much? What–

“Whoever you are,” He says, and his voice is nothing but tired. “Either come here, or leave.”

“Oh, sorry,” You mumble, and his head snaps in your direction. “Do you mind chatting for a bit?”

“Why?” He chuckles humorlessly. “So you can tell me all the things I did wrong? I don’t think so, sweetheart, now why don’t you–“

“I’m sorry.” 

“Yeah, you said that before now please–“

“No,” You stand your ground, even though you felt as if your heart was about to beat out of your chest. “I’m really sorry, BamBam. I shouldn’t have believed all of those things people told me; I was stupid and naive. And I shouldn’t have snapped at you back in the coffee shop, but I just thought that–“

“That I was a complete idiot with no purpose in life,” He says harshly. “Sounds about right?”

“Y-Yeah, but–“

“But you realized you were wrong and now you want to apologize so we can be friends.”

“How’d you know?” You ask, voice wavering more than you’d like to admit.

“You’re not the first,” He sighs, frowning. “It seems like there is always a problem with me. And don’t try to deny it– I can see you shaking your head.”

“Well,” You start carefully. “You do come off as a little bit… spoiled.”

BamBam laughs and pats the empty space next to him. Just as you sit down, you hear him talking slowly, as if he, too, needed to process it all. 

“People think I’m this billionaire’s son that doesn’t care about anything but my reputation,” He starts. “But they don’t know half of it. I skip class, I party a lot, so that means I don’t care about school, right?”

“I mean–“

“I’m at the top of the Dean’s list with a full scholarship,” BamBam says curtly, his voice as sharp as a knife. “And if I’m not wrong, you are right under me.”

To say that you were surprised was an understatement. 

“But how do you carry the scholarship when you are barely even on campus?” You ask.

“Who said that? Because the only time I can recall missing class was last week, when I had a business meeting, and my first semester during Freshman year, when I had to fly home for my brother’s wedding.” As BamBam explained things to you, you couldn’t help but notice his hands, fidgeting with each other; is he nervous? 

“The truth is, I’ve noticed you for a while now,” He mumbles with a shy smile, his cheeks blushing, and you swear you’ve never seen such an adorable man before. “People always assume the wrong thing about you, too, so I thought that– I don’t know, I thought that you’d get me. Jackson hyung and Jinyoung hyung always tell me these great things about you, and how you never back down even when you’re struggling and I thought that maybe we could be friends… or something more.”

What?

“But then you’ve never even looked at me,” The sadness you felt from his voice was killing you. “You barely even talked to me, even when you had to talk to everyone for that one field trip… I have to admit, I was kind of hurt. The girl I was crushing on hated my guts, and I didn’t even know why.”

“BamBam,” You gasp, reaching to touch his arm, but he is quick to evade your hand. When his eyes met yours, you swear you were about to break down; the vulnerability, the hurt, the anger. You could see everything. “I’m so sorry.”

“Well, it’s too late now,” He smiles a tight closed-lip smile and you feel your heart breaking. “I’m tired of stuck up people trying to prove they are better then me. I run my own business, that is, by the way, going really well. I have amazing grades in school. I have friends that I can count as if they were my own family. I don’t need anything else.”

“You might not need it,” You say as he gets up. “But you want it. I know you do.”

“What I want clearly doesn’t matter,” He scoffs, walking to the door. “I’m going inside. You should go soon; I know you hate crowded places.”

You feel a weight on your shoulders, and then he’s gone.

When Jinyoung finds you, about an hour later, you were still crying. 

When Jinyoung takes you home, with promises of a better tomorrow, you are still wearing BamBam’s jacket. 

And when Jinyoung finally leaves, worried and defeated, you are already asleep, hand clutching the jacket that you refused to leave behind.

--------------------------------------------------

aaaahhh my first true angst! it felt weird to leave it like that, so I will probably write a part 2! what do you all think? part 2 or nah? Let me know! Love you all and thanks for the endless support <3

[botwriter]

OH RIGHT OKAY here’s my thought spew from age of calamity. major spoilers inside obviously, read at your own risk!! also it’s super long and mostly here for my own reference for when I eventually write a fic lmao

i’m literally just throwing this all out here so it might not be in any discernable order

first thing I guess I wanna talk about is Zelda’s characterization; it’s much the same as BOTW in the beginning, which makes sense. It’s very interesting to have seen how she reacts when Link gets the sword. I wrote her in BOTW: Rewritten as feeling quite behind or inferior compared to Link, since he already had his power and his sword, and she was still struggling to find hers... and that’s exactly what happens in AoC! 

After abandoning her father for dead - oh right this scene okay hang on

when the King says to Link “You are the Princess’ chosen knight. I’m sure you’re aware of your duty” or something along those lines, we suddenly see what is probably the most emotion animated onto Link’s face anywhere in these games. He is being ordered by the King to keep her safe, not to fight for the kingdom. Of course it’s a fair argument that keeping Zelda safe is fighting for the kingdom, but that really just ties in with Link’s destiny super well - despite all the pomp and circumstance, despite his bowing whenever the King is around, he isn’t loyal to him. He’s loyal to Zelda, and Zelda alone, and he only needs that reminder once. It’s in his soul to keep her safe, no matter the cost, because if she’s safe, there’ll always be hope. (Nevermind all the angsty bullshit about him being Hylia’s chosen knight and strung along like a puppet because she knows that he’ll always act selflessly in Zelda’s best interests, no matter what.) 

anyway yeah that just hit me. 

ANYWAY after abandoning her father for dead and running away the following quests have her being even more self-deprecating and by this point it was starting to get pretty old; we’ve already seen the “everything I did was all in vain/my friends and father are dead” sad bullshit once before and seeing it again was... I mean it just doesn’t hit quite as hard, but I did appreciate the extra delving into Zelda’s character, motivations, and general handiness when it comes to tech and building - she isn’t the holder of the triforce of wisdom for nothing

so riiiiight around the time when i was about to be like oh for fucks sake zelda get it together, Impa said it for me (which was appreciated; Impa’s character did a really nice job of grounding the viewer whereas having just Zelda and Link before was a pretty one-sided affair in botw) and then, things changed.

thanks to the destiny changing egg, the champions weren’t dead, their descendants/future champions came to their rescue - a moment I legitimately freaked out at - and there was hope for Hyrule. Finally, add to that her father being alive, and we suddenly had a Princess Zelda who believed in herself and who was capable at not just wielding her triforce but leading an endless number of troops from across the continent into battle. 

Her character snapped into place just as it did in botw, but we actually got to see her take advantage of it this time. This game had plenty of missions in which Zelda had to be protected, or had to be helped, despite the fact that she can fight; but by the end of it, they took the “damsel in distress” trope that Zelda has always been burdened with and they completely flipped it on its head. They gave us what we were used to and then they snatched it away. 

I really did like that it was her desperation to save Link which once again activated her triforce; you can’t tell me these two don’t fucking love each other okay get out of my face

but for real, I know there were flashbacks there to her dad “dying” and there was guilt and her probably realising that constantly being ushered away or running away is obviously not working, but for someone whos life is so valuable and who is made horrifyingly aware of that fact over and over and over again - to potentially throw herself at death’s doorstep - is a Big Fucking Deal. She doesn’t activate the triforce of wisdom because she thinks it’s the smart thing to do, and it’s certainly not a last ditch effort like it was in botw - she could have definitely let Impa run her away from the danger - it’s because Link is about to die, and she loves him, and she’s finally letting herself (or having no choice but to) feel it, maybe for the first time.  

and yeah you can argue that it’s not love or that it’s just platonic, that’s fine, I really have nothing against ppl that don’t like zelink for whatever reason and I appreciate that nintendo makes it so it can be read either way. but aoc having the same mechanic as botw did for her getting her sealing power back... was like, really nailing it in. And some of the cutscenes definitely help with that! 

okay uhhh what else

please show us zelda’s mom

please show us link’s parents???

whomst is astor - they really just had this nobody show up with no backstory being like “I WAS CHOSENNNN” and then nothing happens with him. he doesn’t have the triforce of power. to be honest at no point do we even see it. the final ganon battle looking more like ganon was really nice but I would have appreciated some sass or some talking there, because that’s really what I crave in final battles like that. I don’t want to cut down some mindless beast. it’s not satisfying.

kohga and sooga were really cool to have in there; confused on kohga a little cause don’t you fight him post-calamity in botw? they did some amazing things for both of their characters, so I was really hoping to have sooga as a playable character too and I found myself confused when just kohga showed up to pledge loyalty to zelda. I understand that they probably still needed some sort of yiga boss for other missions but like... eh..... I want Sooga damnit. also if he’s one of kohga’s “lackeys” and also spoke shit both to astor’s face and behind his back, it’s safe to assume he’d join the Good side... yeah. oh well. did hyrule warriors ever do DLC? maybe that’ll be a thing

the music fucking slapped, holy shit, holy shit, the music was amazing.

revali being even more sassy towards link was fantastic but also INTERESTING because since link doesn’t even have the sword yet, it’s like... kinda... fair?? that he has no clue why this random kid soldier is here to help out. and of course he ends up developing a bit in his character to acknowledge link later on. I think it’s good to remind ppl that revali is quite young afaik?? so him having a rivalry with link kinda makes sense, based on his already-established character of being quite cocky and sure of himself (which botw dlc taught us doesn’t come without it’s fair share of intense insecurity, self-doubt, and practicing until he’s exhausted). i love revali’s character. I love revali. protect him.

okay I don’t know what else to write I should probably go work on blooming in adversity LOL

EDITING TO ADD CAUSE I JUST REWATCHED THE SCENE, but the fact that Link’s triforce is awakened by a desperate desire to save Zelda; and she’s reaching out for him at the same time (maybe she almost gets hers at the same time omg) was fucking incredible yep can’t wait to write it that’s all im gonna say

[i-need-entertainment]

Sweet Home Hyogo: Chapter 4 THAT is a Fine looking man right there

Chapter 3-Chapter 5

“Y/N!!” With a scared gasp Y/n sat up in her bed, practically sprinting out from under the covers due to the fight-or-flight response her mother’s arrival had activated. Y/n let her now tensed muscles relax as one hand clutched her heart and the other her head, shaking her head in disapproval at the enthusiastic woman standing in her doorway. “Mom what the heck! You could have killed me.” Her mother simply waved her off and tugged her out of bed, allowing the young female to regain her footing before fixing her hair and lightly pushing her towards her dresser.

“As much as I appreciate the heartfelt wake up, why are you in such a rush?” Mrs. L/n placed her hands on her hips and looked at her only daughter. “You missy hafta get ready ASAP. I’ve got somethin’ I need ya to do for me.” Y/n furrowed her eyebrows as she squinted her eyes accusingly at her mother. Hesitantly she looked at her, arms coming up to cross across her chest. “What exactly Is ‘something’ mom?” Mrs. L/n rolled her eyes at her hesitation, “I need you to deliver some bread to Yumie.” Oh. OH- “Yumie as in…” 

Mrs. L/n’s eyes once again met the back of her eyelids as she continued ushering Y/n around the room, the young woman getting ready as she was. “Yes, Yumie as in yer mother-in-law. I dunno why yer so surprised, should ‘a known I’d make you see her when I saw ya were back.” Y/n felt the nervousness arise in her stomach as she got dressed and did her hair and such. It wasn’t that she disliked her mother-but-really-grandmother-in-law at all! She loved Yumie like her own grandmother! It was just, Yumie had been very upset when she learned about her and Shinsuke, heartbroken actually, and knowing why she was here was something Y/n would like to stay under wraps. 

After having the basket of baked goods shoved in her hands and being practically thrown out the front door, Y/n’s mother speedily drove Y/n to the Kita residence, booking it down the street once Y/n was on the front porch step. Y/n took a few deep breaths before squaring her shoulders and knocking. After softly knocking a few times, she took a small step back, hands interlocking in front of her. Just as she was about to knock again she heard the elder’s small footsteps. 

The door opened and Y/n could see the ever so sweet and smiling face of the elder she loved dearly. Yumie let out a slight gasp as she pulled Y/n down into a tight hug. “Y/n dear! How are you?” Y/n smiled as she hugged her back. “I’m good, granny. How are you doing? You look great.” (She will also call her granny cause it makes ~sense~) Granny released Y/n from her arms as she stepped aside, welcoming the young woman into her home. Y/n set the baked goods on the counter as she and Yumie sat down, catching up and what not. Before the two knew it, it was noon, and time for lunch. “Y/n, dear, would you like to stay? Five years is a lot of time to catch up on.” 

Y/n nodded, “Only if you let me help you cook!” Yumie nodded “Deal”. The took put on aprons and got to work, making homemade ramen. The two were hard at work, and as Yumie went to set the table and Y/n put the finishing touches on the meal, the front door opened. “Granny! I’m here for lunch!” Y/n, still very much hard at work, didn’t hear the front door open or close nor did she hear the other Kita’s greeting. “Shin! Please come in, come in!” Kita smiled at his grandmother, while he took off his boots, hat, and the fluffy white towel around his neck. 

(Okay, I have N O idea how the outfit works, but it looks like a jump suit kinda thingy, and he wears like a black compressions shirt under, SO for my sake and for a ~purpose~ he will have unbuttoned the top portion and tied it around his waist, like the painter official art Y’know? I hope so lol) Y/n had just put the meal on the table when Kita entered the dining room, both young adults showing a look of surprise on their faces. Yumie ushered them both to the table and sat them across from each other while she sat at the end of the table. Both adults shared a heartwarming, sweet, sincere FAKE smile while the elder hummed in satisfaction. 

“Y/n, what a surprise.” Kita stated, ‘smile’ still present as she returned it, eyes crinkling in suspicion. “Yes, what a surprise.” Yumie hid her smirk as she readied the meals, “Ooh! Shin dear,” He broke the intense eye contact between him and Y/n as he looked to his Granny, the sickeningly sweet façade dropping to an actually sincere one towards the one who raised him. “Yes Granny?” Yumie pointed to the kitchen, “Go get the good bowls, Y/n’s back home for a visit! This is a special occasion!” Kita stiffened and clenched his jaw, remembering all to vividly why Y/n was here. 

Without turning his head, he turned his gaze to Y/n, who was desperately pleading with her eyes for him not to tell Yumie why she was really here. “O’course, be right back” Y/n gave let out a sigh, “Y/n.” She looked up to Kita in shock, “Since you n’ Granny re organized the kitchen a couple’ a years ago, I dunno where they got put. Mind helpin’ me find em?” The look he was giving her was no questioning glance, he wanted answers. Y/n nodded, “Sure.” 

The two adults got up from the table and made their way into the storage closet. “What is this really about? I know for a fact you know where the bowls are.” Y/n asked in a hushed voice, crossing her arms over her chest. Kita sighed and turned to face Y/n, copying her actions as he leaned against the walls. “Because I know how much Granny dislikes our…situation… I’m not gonna tell her ‘bout yer fiancé.” Y/n stiffened. Of course he knew. He wasn’t stupid! (Freaking class 7 smh) “Thanks…”  The two stood in silence while Kita dug through the closet looking for the bowls, before retrieving them and returning to his position against the walls. 

Keep in mind, its been five years since Y/n had last seen Kita, and a person can change a lot in five years. Especially when that person works incredibly hard doing manual labor. Long story short, Kita had bulked up, and Y/n had noticed. How could she not! He was wearing a compression shirt that nicely showed off his toned arms and chest. He had always had a good amount of muscle, but he had changed a lot since high school, for better of course. 

‘W O W he got buff. I mean, he was never scrawny but OH MY GOSH HOW!?! And his biceps?! STOP IT Y/N! STOP this is not okay. You have a wonderful, beautiful fiancé waiting for you at home who is wonderful and you love him. SO STOP OGLING YOUR SOON-TO-BE-EX-HUSBAND YOU IDIOT!! Ughhhh, the jerk probably doesn’t even know what he’s doing..jerk..’ 

Oh no, he was well aware of what he was doing. And he felt no remorse for it either. Y/n was never really ‘sneaky’ or ‘subtle’ and he was extremely observant and perceptive. So picking up on her wandering eyes and internal debate was quite easy. “Y’done?” Y/n was jerked back to reality as she sent him a harsh embarrassed glare. Smirking, Kita grabbed the bowls and started walking back until “Wait,” He turned around to see Y/n looking away while she gripped his wrist. He raised an eyebrow, silently questioning her what she wanted. “Thank you….really. I know our situation isn’t ideal but I appreciate it.” 

Kita’s face turned to one of seriousness as he slowly nodded, “S’not my job to tell her, it’s yours.” Y/n nodded, releasing his wrist as she grabbed the bowls from him, making her way back into the dining room and setting the bowls on the table. Kita stayed behind, taking a deep breath as he slid a hand down his face, re collecting himself before returning to the table, getting his lunch and beginning to eat. If only you knew Y/n….Maybe things would be different…But…I guess you’ve found someone new huh? 

Kita let go of the depressing thoughts and focused his attention to the two chattering women in front of him, two women he held very dear to him, even if only one appeared to return the sentiment. Lunch went…surprisingly well. The two adults were able to have civil conversations, much to the satisfaction of his grandmother, and after plenty of trips down memory lane, and a few looks through old scrap books Yumie sends the two adults out of her home. 

“Shin dear, before you go back to work, walk Y/n home. I know you two aren’t together in a sense, but you still owe it to each other to guarantee the others safety.” Kita looks over at Y/n, “Only if you don’t mind.” He shook his head as he and Y/n started their walk back to her house. It wasn’t too far, the two used to make this trip quite often, actually. Growing up as best friends, and later high school sweethearts, meant frequent trips between the two houses. The walk back was quiet, but not an uncomfortable quiet like the car ride, more like a reminiscing quiet. 

Y/n started giggling, trying to suppress the laughter coming out. Kita looked at her questioningly. “What’s so funny?” Y/n looks at him and bursts out laughing, as she can no longer keep it in. Kita feels his own smile creep up on his face. “Do-do you remember when we were coming home from school *snort* and, you slipped, so you took me down with you *snicker* into a pile of mud!!” Kita stopped walking and looked at Y/n in disappointment, seeing her bent over in half laughing herself to death. 

“I thought we had a mutual agreement not to bring that up again.” Y/n tried to calm herself down but her actions went in vain as she remembered how mad both of their parents were, before they started laughing at the two teens. Y/n always thought it was funny, Kita however, did not. Y/n stood up straight again, wiping the tears that were in her eyes before successfully calming down. “Yeah, well, that’s my revenge for you bringing up what you did earlier.” Kita smiled as he remembered the mortified look on Y/n’s face as he recounted to Yumie of a certain event when they were first married and on their honeymoon. 

They had gone to a beach for their honeymoon (you can choose where 😊) and naturally Y/n and Kita had gone into the water. The two had been having fun, playfully splashing each other and all that. That is before a big wave came out of NO WHERE and caught Y/n off guard. Unfortunately for Y/n, she wasn’t the only thing caught off guard, as her top came loose and….well…came off. Y/n had been so in shock from the big wave that had taken her out, that she hadn’t realized that an important piece of clothing was missing. That is until she stood up to see Kita doubled over in laughter. She glared at him until she felt a bit colder it was then she dove back in the water, frantically waving her new husband over to help her. 

“Well, then I guess its only fair then.” Y/n smiled. The remainder of their walk was quiet. “See ya around I guess.” Kita said as he dropped Y/n off on her front porch step. “Yeah I guess so. You still have papers to sign.” Kita shook his head and smiled, waving her off as he walked back towards the fields to get back to work. “See ya around Y/n, and no.” Y/n, despite being frustrated over the papers couldn’t help but shake her head a she went inside, instantly confused as she couldn’t seem to wipe the fond smile off of her face.

[justkindaoverhereobsessing]

2020 IN WRITING

tagged by: @indestinatus​

tagging: no one, because I am unable to think straight. But whoever is interested in doing this: I’m interested in reading it. <3 

Wow, okay, I’m getting real in this little questionnaire... read at your own risk, friends.

1. List of works published this year:

I genuinely can’t write them all out here... there are too many of them! (I’ve done so little besides writing this year!) But I keep a running list of all my projects here. I’m sorry for cheating on this one, haha. 

2. Work you are most proud of (and why):

This question comes up a lot on these things, and I always put the same answer: That We May Forgive. It’s has emotional moments, silly moments, heartfelt moments where the warmth made me cry as I wrote. It was written in one sitting, and it’s the story where I felt most connected to the characters I love so much. It sums up the joy I feel knowing that these (fictional) friends of mine have finally reached peace after too many years of trauma and hardship. I began the story with a single line in mind, after which the characters took over and told the story for me:

Ziva's second pregnancy is nothing like her first.

3. Work you are least proud of (and why):

You Stumble, You Soar, which was written for one of my dearest friends in the world, @why-did-you-just-lie-to-mcgee​. I wanted to do so much better by her, but as I ran out of time to complete the story by the end of her birthday, I rushed the writing and I think the story suffered for it. It made her happy, though, and that’s the most important thing. She deserves all the happiness, all the time—but especially on her birthday. 

4. A favorite excerpt of your writing:

I can’t think of a favorite excerpt of my writing, because I’ve written so much that I can’t think back!

5. Share or describe a favorite review you received:

“Wow. Let me just tell you that I am absolutely in love with this story. I wake up everyday and, as I log into fanfiction, my only hope is that you've uploaded a new chapter because DAMN. The characters are so well written, the story is beautifully constructed and this last chapter just broke my heart into tiny little pieces. What a remarkable job you've done. Please, don't ever stop writing NCIS/Tiva fanfiction- specially this one story: it's one of my all time favorites. Thank you :)”

An incredibly kind and inspiring comment by a reader named Alexandra on my longest (WIP) fic, We Are an Ocean.

6. A time when writing was really, really hard:

I’ve had two periods of NCIS hiatus this year—and actually, I’m still in the midst of the second one right now. These have periods of turmoil in my own life. When I’m upset, feeling sick, feeling sorry for myself and I’m depressed and aching... that’s when I write the best, because writing is my safety blanket. When I’m feeling numb, though, or lost... the characters are lost to me, too, and so are the words I use to wrap them (and myself) in comfort.

7. A scene or character you wrote that surprised you:

I’m going to deviate here from NCIS, which is—I’m well aware—why most of my followers have chosen to follow me. But in the last month, I’ve written a single fic for Criminal Minds—it’s called In Possibility, it’s unpublished, and it’s now over 100,00 words. It’s centered on Spencer Reid, who was intimidating to me when I started writing the fic. He’s far more intelligent than I am, requiring me to do a lot of research to give him realistic lines, he’s a deep and complicated character with complicated motivations and a tangled, traumatic past. He also has a sweet, really good heart that’s been scarred by years of difficult work and an emotionally taxing personal life. 

I thought he’d be difficult to write; to my surprise, he comes as naturally to me as any of my other favorite characters ever have. He gave me my first nanowrimo win! To be frank, he’s gotten me through a lot of shit this year. That was the best surprise.

8. How did you grow as a writer this year:

To be honest, I wasn’t much of a writer before this year. I enjoyed writing, especially in a roleplay setting with fandom friends... but I deeply struggled with trying to write alone. I didn’t do much of it.

Then, this year, well... the concept of writing exploded into the most important distraction, escape, and joy I could imagine. 

I didn’t grow as a writer this year. I became a writer this year.

9. How do you hope to grow next year:

My most recent project—the one that, as I’ve said, is (and will remain) unpublished—has given me a new perspective. It’s written for an audience of me and only me... so I’ve given myself permission to engage in the most ridiculously self-indulgent writing I’ve ever embraced and thrown myself into. 

And it has been the greatest joy I could imagine in a time of great pain.* 

Next year, I want to throw myself into every project I work on with as much reckless abandon as I’ve done in this last project. I want to stop worrying so much about what people will think and pursue the words that are bursting out of the fingers on my laptop keyboard. I want to have confidence in my ability to draw out emotions—if from no one else, at least from myself.

“If I can stop one heart from breaking, I shall not live in vain.” —Emily Dickinson

And it’s alright if that one heart is mine.

That’s what I want to accomplish in my writing next year, and what a growth that would be!

* I’ve mentioned this in my last post, but I’m recovering from brain surgery, I also have the COVID-19 virus, and I’m working on passing a kidney stone that may be too big to pass. I’m writing 10,000 words a day to get through it—and it’s working. Distraction is everything to me right now.

10. Who was your greatest positive influence this year as a writer (could be another writer or beta or cheerleader or muse etc etc):

Like Sof, I have to tag three people here, because I really couldn’t choose just one. My three best friends in the world all influenced my writing in their own ways! <3 (Sorry for deviating a little from the writing thing in some of the following lines, oops. I just have emotions that are all over the place this week!)

@indestinatus — One of a few best friends who has had my back every day for so long now. She listens when I need to talk things out—whether or not I’m talking about writing. She really gets me when I need to be silly, or I need to be serious, or I just really, really need a friend. Also, she inspired me to start learning Portuguese this year, and I’m actually practicing by writing a fic in Portuguese, lol. It’s slow going... but Sof encourages me (and corrects me, haha) whenever I work on it, just as she does with absolutely anything else I work on. Truly, I’ve had few friends in my life that are so special to me, and I love her. I really do. 

@why-did-you-just-lie-to-mcgee — Is there a better cheerleader on this earth? Is there a better friend? Doubtful on both counts. She thinks I’m a disaster—and, by the way, she’s absolutely right—and she sometimes has to remind me to eat and sleep, but she’s totally cool with being my internet mom. Doesn’t matter that she’s nearly a decade younger than I am, lol. All of these things have bolstered me when the writer inside of me has faltered, and she has carried my burdens as I wrote them out. Anyway, she reads everything I write, and she has requested to gain access to all of my unfinished chapters and unpublished works in the event that I die—I completely trust her with that nonsense. I’ve written it into my will. Really. Like with Sof, I genuinely love Tiz, and I’d do anything for her. 

@honeybadgerdocare — Best friend of 20 years. She doesn’t watch the same shows that I do, and my endless ranting makes very little sense to her... but she listens. She’s my sounding board for everything I write, everything I read, everything I watch, and everything that gives me big feelings. I genuinely can’t describe how much she has helped me with my writing every single day, so I’ll leave it at this: I could not do it without her. I’d drown in my own struggles and I’d stop creating the art that sustains me. She’s my soulmate—sorry to her fiancé. All of my love goes to her!

11. Anything from your real life show up in your writing this year:

HAHAHAHAHA it’s cute how you think my writing is anything other than a re-organized and fictionalized version of my life and my feelings. Real life shows up in my writing, and my writing shows up in my real life. It gets crazy and obsessive, but like... I had a trip to Israel booked this year (obviously canceled due to the pandemic, but still) because Ziva comes from Israel. (Also because of my Jewish adoration for the spiritual homeland, but the thought of going and the trip planning all started with Ziva.) I went to Baltimore so I could run down an alley yelling “YOU CAN’T OUTRUN ME, I’M WEARING TUBE SOCKS!” to encourage my inner Tony DiNozzo. I nearly froze to death in Washington, D.C. and called my mom every time I saw a little red mini coop that looked like Ziva’s, or came across a place that was featured in an NCIS scene.

And to answer the actual question here, because I obviously flipped it around like the moron I am... when the pandemic canceled things I was desperately looking forward to, I wrote a fic where Tali’s excitedly anticipated dance recital got canceled because of the pandemic. I lost my appendix (last year, but the fic was written this year — does that count?) and wrote a fic where Tali loses hers, too. (I swear, I don’t always write things that torture Tali, lol, these are just my best examples!) When I lost a couple of loved ones this year, I wrote a funeral scene where Tony and Tali remembered Ziva. Writing is definitely free therapy, y’all.

12. Any new wisdom you can share with other writers:

Write for yourself—write what you love, and you’ll love what you write. That’s all. That’s it. That’s my advice, something I’ve learned this year.

13. Any projects you’re looking forward to starting (or finishing) in the new year:

I’ve been working on We Are an Ocean for roughly a year now, and 2021 needs to see it finished. I’ve got a number of lovely, dedicated readers who deserve to see the story play out as it’s intended to be played out. 

Also, my greatest love right now, In Possibility, will probably write itself to an end in 2021. Or... who knows? Maybe it will worm its way into 2022, too. :-)

14. If you could recommend only one work from yourself published this year:

Since I already went into detail about my favorite fic of mine from this year (That We May Forgive), I’ll recommend a different one: The Stars Always Make Me Laugh. It has some of the darkest moments I’ve ever written, but it also has some of the lightest moments I’ve ever written. It was an answer to two different challenges, and if I can say this without sounding arrogant, I think I met the challenges beautifully. It gave me comfort, catharsis, and closure for a few things in my own life... and I hope it comforts my readers, too. 

15. Year word count: 

HOLY FUCKING SHIT (excuse my French). I just added up my AO3 word count + my current unpublished project, and... my word count is:

428,557.

FOUR HUNDRED AND TWENTY-EIGHT THOUSAND, FIVE HUNDRED AND FIFTY SEVEN WORDS

I nearly just fell out of my chair. Goodbye, friends. I am deceased.

[chickensarentcheap]

Sanctuary - Chapter 29

Warnings: some violence

Tagging: @innerpaperexpertcloud, @alievans007, @c-a-v-a-l-r-y, @thorsbathroomchicken, @valkyrie-of-the-light

If you can, please leave even the smallest comment so I know someone is reading lol  <3

“I thought you said you knew how to do this?”  Esme whispers, as she nervously bounces up and down on her heels, arms crossed over her chest, hands vigorously rubbing her shoulders in a vain attempt to warm herself up.  Enormous poplars tower over either end of the McMann's front porch, effectively blocking out the sun and bringing a chill to the air.

“I do,” Yaz responds, as he uses a picking tool to manipulate the lock on the front door. He'd already used a high tech blocker to jam the security system; once inside no alarm would sound and no police or security would be alerted to their activity.  “It just takes time.”

“It's been fifteen minutes. If there's anyone watching, they're going to see us.”

“If there is anyone watching, they would have seen us by now.  I can't believe you even talked me into this.”

“I was getting tired of waiting around for Nik to make up her mind about whether she wanted us to check the place out or not.  What's with her dragging her heels? We are running out of time. Those kids are running out of time. We need information, Yaz. It's not going to fall into our laps.” “I thought you were going to get information tomorrow. On your date.”

“It is not a date. It's a ruse. To get what I what.  This clock is ticking. We don't have time to fuck around. Those kids have been missing for two weeks. And you know as well as I do, that they're on borrowed time. So it's time to pull out all the stops.  Go big or go home.”

'Tyler's going to flip his shit, you know that, right?”

“Tyler is a big boy that realizes that we need to get the show on the road. And that sometimes means  making....uncomfortable...decisions.”

“You really think he's going to be okay with his wife going out on a date with some random guy?”

“Again, it's not a date. I'm using this person to get information. Information we all desperately need, I might add.  This is the only way I'm going to get it, Yaz. And it's messed up and it's weird and it's going to get incredibly awkward.  But this has to be done.  He's got names. People who have way more clout and info than he does. We are so close to finding out just who has those kids and where they are.”

“You're crazy if you think Tyler is going to go along with this.  I wouldn't if I was in his shoes. I wouldn't want my wife putting herself out there like that. Pretending she's single, flirting with other men, having dinner and drinks with them.”

“It's for the job. He's not going to feel threatened over some two bit hood that I have to con to get info out of. He's forty years old, Yaz. He's far beyond being the jealous and irrational type.”

He smirks. “You keep telling yourself that.”  There's an audible 'click' as the lock finally gives way, and he shoots her a victorious grin as he turns the handle and pushes the door open, holding it for her and gesturing for to step inside first.  

“Oh so it can be me the attack dogs come after first,” she teases, slapping him playfully across the chest before stepping into the foyer. “Not too shabby,” she gives a nod of approval as she surveys the polished marble tiles, cove ceilings, and rich cherry wood accents. “I didn't picture McMann as the type to have wainscotting and antiques. He seems more like the leather and chrome type. Look...” she picks up a small knick-knack from the hallway table; a small porcelain figurine of a young boy with his dog. “...he even has Hummels! Talk about someone being a total mind fuck! Total study in contradiction, don't you think?”

“How do you even know what Hummels are? You don't seem like the type to collect frilly and pretty shit.”

“My grandmother used to collect them. She had a whole china cabinet full of them.  She used to threaten to beat our asses if even dared step a single toe in the living room where they were kept.   She was the type that had plastic on the couches and fancy hand towels in the bathroom that no one was allowed to touch. Oooo...look...mail,” she picks up a stack of envelopes from the table.  “Let's snoop.”

“What are we exactly looking for?” Yaz asks, as they fall in step alongside of each other, curiously watching as she thumbs through the stack of mail, then selects a handwritten letter bearing a New Zealand postal stamp.

“Anything and everything,” she tears into the envelope, plucking the stiff writing paper out from its confines, carefully opening it.  “Fancy,” she releases a low, impressed whistle. “Someone doesn't realize the art of good penmanship and snail mail died a long time ago.  This has to be from an older relative. Someone still hanging onto the past. Maybe Heather's grandmother?”

“Maybe. What's it say?”

“It's about the business. Maybe the grandmother's shop? The one where she was helping Heather hide out from her father? Where McMann found her? There's no name of the place or an address. The letter is personal. Nothing business like about it.  All about how sad it is that the end of the era has come and how the writer wishes things could have been different. But they accept the decision and won't contact them again. It's signed Nan.”

“Definitely the grandmother.” Yaz concludes.

“We'll take it with us,” Esme says, and then pauses before she slips it into her purse. Then drops all of the envelopes inside. “We'll talk all of them, actually.”

“You don't think he's going to realize his mail is missing?”

“Who cares. Let him think he's gone crazy and tear the place apart looking for it.  Let's start upstairs and work our way down.”

“You seem to enjoying this a little too much,” Yaz comments, as he follows her up the spiral staircase, loose floorboards sagging and creaking under their feet. “Were you a cat burglar at some point in your old life?”

“No,” she laughs. “I just get a perverse satisfaction out of snooping through peoples' shit and finding out the skeletons in their closet. Especially people like this. The ones who have the fancy house and the fancy cars and the designer clothes. The ones that look so perfect on the outside yet have the most twisted shit going on behind closed doors.”

“So about this date...”

She sighs.

“Sorry...about this 'non date'.  You honestly think Tyler is going to be okay with it? That you're going to let some IRA dude wine and dine you?”

“First all, I think you need to stop worrying about what goes on between Tyler and I.  Our marriage is good, Yaz. It's beyond good. It's amazing. We love each other and want to spend the rest of our lives together and totally intend on doing just that. We have four amazing kids.  If we've managed to get through the past five and a half years, this bullshit with Michael McMann isn't going to break us.”

“But you're pretending like your single. You're flirting with this bartender. You agreed to go out with him.”

“It's for the job,,” she reminds him. “There's nothing scandalous going on. It is strictly business. I'm not running off to cheat on my husband. This isn't committing adultery. This is lying and conning someone into giving us what we want. What we need. And Tyler is going to understand that. Any rational human being would.”

“You realize that he isn't exactly understanding and rational when it comes to you, right? You realize it drives him batshit insane if another guy so as much looks as you when you're with him? He doesn't even like me checking you out.”

“You've been checking me out?”

“It's kind of hard not to. At the risk of sounding like a pervert, you're kind of hard not to notice. I so would have scooped you up if you weren't into tall, buff, Australian dudes.  I'm just saying that this is a horrible idea. You hooking up with this bartender. It can be done another way. Getting information. Why risk pissing Tyler off and causing issues between you guys?”

“He isn't going to be pissed off. He's a professional.”

“He's also your husband.  Maybe he'd be okay with it if it was just some girl off the street Nik brought in. But you guys have history. You're his wife. And no husband is going to like the idea of his wife being with another man. Whether it's for business or not.  Doesn't he at least get a say in this?”

“What he is going to say?”

“That you're insane and there's no way he's letting you do it.”

“I admit, when I tell him, he may get a little upset...”

Yaz stares at her pointedly.

“Okay so he may get very upset. But when he calms down, he'll realize that it's for the best. That things like this have to be done from time to time. I'm going to have a dinner and a couple drinks and I'm going to get the info we need. I'm not running off with some strange man to cheat on my husband. Give me some credit, would you? Sheesh. You don't really think that about me do you? That I'd do that to Tyler?”

“I don't think you would. I know you're crazy about the guy. But this is some serious shit you're wadding into. This guy is IRA. Not just a bartender. A bartender that's in a terrorist organization. And you're walking right into his bullshit. This is crazy. You know it is. And I agree that we need information, but...”

“You check the master bedroom,” she suggests. “I'll hit up the kids' rooms”

He captures her by the wrist before she can walk away. “Esme, I'm just worried about you, okay? This is some scary shit we're all getting into it. You're my friend. Tyler's my friend. I don't want to see this screwing things up for you guys. You two have a great thing.  He has a normal life. A wife and kids.  A house. All the things he'd never thought he'd have, you gave him.  And I don't want to see all that fucked up because of this Michael McMann bullshit. Just promise me you'll hear him out. When you tell him about tomorrow night. Don't just ignore what he has to say. Because I don't think you realize just how much he loves you. How much it would kill him to lose you. To lose what he has.”

“I'm not going anywhere, Yaz.  I plan to stick around. For a very long time.  Or least until you end up killing me for making jokes at your expense.”

He grins at that.

“Tyler knows I love him. He knows that I would do anything for him.  I'm not going to let anyone screw my life up.  I've worked too hard at this and put too much work into my marriage...into my family...to let the job mess that up. I promise.”

“Good,” he says, and then playfully tousles her hair. “Now lets get to work.”

****

McMann is already waiting for the them at the scheduled, a long abandoned school on the outskirts of town. A one story sprawling building; faded and chipped red bricks, broken and missing windows, weeds and grass to the knees, industrial sized dumpsters filled the brim.  The area itself is a disaster; most of the houses empty and boarded up, junk of various shapes and sizes filling the yards of the tenants who still remain.  A foul stench hangs in the air; rotting trash, pollution from the factories only blocks away, the smell of mould and mildew that comes with years of neglect and decay.

“That's him?” Mark mutters as they approach,  McMann watching them with narrow, darkened eyes, taking one last, long drag of his cigarette before tossing it aside.

Tyler nods. “Just remember what I told you. Just go with it.”

“Who the hell is this? McMann barks. “You're supposed to be alone. What the hell kind of shit are you trying to pull, Rake?”

“I was just going to ask you the same thing,” he retorts, and before McMann  can get out another word, Tyler is grabbing a hold of the front of his t-shirt and slamming his forearm into his throat; using his height and weight advantage to shove the startled man into the side of one of the dumpsters. The back of his head slamming off the metal with an echoing thud.

“What the fuck?!” McMann roars. “What the fuck do you think you're doing? Are you fucking crazy? What is wrong with you? We had a deal!”

“Everything you told me was a goddamn lie,” Tyler snarls. “Right from the very beginning. Right from the fucking start you've been bullshitting me. Playing me. You didn't think I'd find out? You didn't think I had ways of looking into you and figuring out what you're up to?”

“I don't know what you're talking about. I don't...”

He increases the pressure of his forearm; leaning into the other man. Until McMann is coughing and sputtering and his face turning a vivid shade of red.  “Don't lie to me,” Tyler hisses.  “If there was ever the time to tell the truth, this would be it.”

“You're crazy,” McMann manages through the gagging; spit rolling down the sides of his mouth, sweat beading across his forehead. His eyes wide with a mixture of fury and terror. “You're fucking crazy. I was warned about you. How unhinged you are.”

“I haven't even got to the point of being unhinged. I know about your little plan. All the bullshit you spewed to get me here. Away from my family. You wanted me alone. You thought it would make me vulnerable. You thought you'd be able to get the drop on me.”

“I have no idea what you're talking about you. You!” he barks the last word at Mark, who stands idly by with his hands shoved in his pockets, enjoying the exchange. “Do something would ya? Get him off of me!”

“No,” Mark says, and casually leans against one of the brick walls. “I don't think I will.”

“Your little friend showed up at my hotel,” Tyler continues. “What is she? Your little girlfriend? Your side piece?”

“What girl? Who...”

“She gave me the pictures. The pictures of your wife and your kids. The proof of life. And she gave me the pictures of my family. Of my wife, my kids. Didn't I warn you not to fuck with my family? Didn't I tell you it was the worst possible thing that you could do? Go after my wife and my kids? That I would kill you if you even thought about it?”

“I swear...” McMann claws at Tyler's forearm, struggles in vain to get away from the strong, solid body keeping him in place.  “...I don't know what you're talking about...”

“Tell me the truth,” Tyler orders.  “All of it. Or I will snap your neck right here and now and I'll leave you here to rot.”

“I have no idea what you're talking about!” he insists, his skin turning a hideous shade of purple, blood vessels popping in his eyes. And with his free hand he reaches up to grab a hold of Tyler's hair; yanking and twisting it.

“You stupid fucker!”  Tyler roars; the act dissipating, the rage suddenly all too real.

That simple and desperate act of violence and retaliation against him sends him over the edge.  Five and a half years of pent up anger and frustration.  The confusion he'd felt during those months in the hospital and all through those long and tedious days of rehab and wondering if he'd ever been even half the man he once was.  The guilt that he carried around over what he had put Esme through; her fight to keep him alive on the bridge,  the nights she'd spent sleeping beside his hospital bed, the animosity she'd felt towards him for having pushing her into a life she didn't  want. The lingering fear that he'll lose her. That she'll disappear from his life just as quick as she entered it. Leaving him broken and alone and raising four kids by himself. He wouldn't survive. He knows it.  He'd turn to the booze and the meds again and his life would fall apart and then he'd no longer even have his children.

His forearm slips from McMann's throat and his hand wraps around his throat. Knuckles cracking and turning white from the pure, brute force that he uses.  Nostrils flaring. Chest heaving from a mixture of rage and exertion. Eyes dark and crazed.  The eyes of a predator that has managed to catch his prey and will show no mercy.

“All right...” Mark is stepping alongside of him now.  “....take it easy....take it down a notch...this isn't what we came for...”

“You fucking lied to me,” Tyler's voice is low, menacing. Fingers pressing further into McMann's throat.  “I told you to leave my family out of it. I told you to stay away from my wife and my kids. And now they're caught up in this bullshit. Your bullshit.  And if anything happens to my wife because of you...”

“Hey...hey...” Mark lays a hand on Tyler's arm. “...look at me, kid....look at me...”

Tyler inhales sharply, breath slowly leaving his lungs and his lips, turning those furious blue eyes on Mark's concerned hazel ones.

“Nothing is going to happen to her, okay? She's going to be fine. She's safe. With you. Now just take it down a notch. This isn't what we came here for. Step back, take a breath, and get your shit together. Understand me?”

Tyler just stares at him. Just heaving. Fingers finally beginning to relax around McMann's throat.

“You kill him and then what?” Mark asks. “You kill him, you don't get what you want. You need whatever information he has. He dies, those kids die. And you know that.  That's not what you want, Tyler. You don't want the blood of those kids on your hands. So take a step back and calm down, you hear me?

He finally relents.  Hand relaxing and falling off of McMann's throat, stepping back as the man's body collapses to the ground in front of him.  

“Just take it easy...” Mark encourages, and rubs his shoulders in the same way a manager would do a boxer in between rounds.  “....just take a few deep breaths and take it easy...”

Tyler rakes his hands through his hair;  then bends at the waist, hands resting on his thighs. Eyes closed as he struggles to regain his composure. Sucking in long, shaky breaths. Releasing them slowly. Until he feels all of his muscles begin to relax; the rage and the tension disappearing first from his shoulders, then spreading down his arms and his arms.  

“You stupid sonofabitch,” McMann gasps for air as he struggles into a sit, back against the dumpster.  “Do you know who you're messing with? Do you know the people I know? The people I'm involved with? What they could do to you? To your family?”

“Shut your goddamn mouth,” Mark snarls. “I've calmed him down once. I won't be able to again.  Keep his family out of this. If you know what's good for you. You good?” he pats Tyler on the back.  “You think you can hold it together long enough to get some information out of this prick?”

He nods, heaving a sigh as he stands up. “I'm good.”

“What kind of information?” McMann asks, eyes narrowed as Tyler approaches him. “I've already told you everything I know.”

“You lied to me, mate.  Right off the hop. You told me that your wife was a shop keeper in New Zealand. That she was feeding you information while you were there for a job. I know that's all shit. I know who she is. I know who her family is. Who her father was.  You were working for him. He hired you to extract her.  She was a kid.  She was a fucking kid and you took advantage of her. She was weak and vulnerable and you were responsible for her and you preyed on her, you sick fuck.”

“We fell in love,” he tries to reason. “I never forced her into anything. It was mutual.”

“She was a teenager! She was seventeen and you took advantage of her. What the hell is wrong with you? You were thirty three. You were supposed to protect her. Bring her home to her father.  She was vulnerable and she trusted you and you took advantage of that. For that alone I should break your fucking neck. We both have daughters. Would you want that for your daughter? I sure as hell don't. And if someone like you ever even so as much looks at my daughter the wrong way. I'll do shit to them  that they couldn't even begin to imagine in their worst dreams.”

“She was almost an adult,” McMann continues. “She wasn't a child. She was...”

“I know about everything,” Tyler says. “I know that you started taking jobs for friends of her old man. That you'd take the money and not get the work done. I also know that you killed him.”  He's taking a shot in the dark with the last part; there's no proof that McMann is the one that did the hit himself. Or had one put on his father in law.

“He knew too much.  About me being part of the IRA. I told him I left and he found out I didn't and he was going to try and convince Heather to take the kids and leave.”

“You're still part of them?” Mark inquires. “The IRA?”

“No. I did leave. Two years ago. I have nothing to do with them now.”

“Why'd you lie about who has your wife and your kids?” Tyler asks. “We know it's not the IRA.  They deny having anything to do with it. They won't claim responsibility.  Why'd you tell me it was them? Do you realize what could have happened? If I'd just come in here believing what you said and caused all kinds of shit with them? How bad things would have gotten? You wanted me to take the fall for you, didn't you. You wanted me to come here and blow shit up and take a bullet for you. To cover up who's actually behind all of this. You were willing to have me killed to cover your shit up.”

McMann nods.

“Who has them?” Mark asks. “Who has your wife and your kids?”

“Her family,” he replies. “The Buckmans.”

“Whose in charge?” Tyler inquires.  “Of the family? Is it your wife?”

“I can't...I can't tell you that.  You have to understand.  If I tell you everything...”

“Is your wife in charge?” Tyler presses, and takes a step closer. “Don't fuck me around here, mate. You've lied to me enough. So unless you want me snapping your neck for good this time...”

“I'm not sure.  I'm not sure she's involved. At first I thought she was innocent in all of this. That she was just as innocent as the kids. And then things started not adding up. The more and more I thought about it, things didn't make sense.”

“Why? Why would she do it? Why would she do that to her own kids?”

“Revenge?” McMann suggests with a shrug. “For what I did to her father.”

“And because you've been sticking your dick where it doesn't belong?” Mark smirks. “Yeah, we know about that too. You're just one big shit show, aren't you.”

“Where are they?” Tyler asks. “Where are your wife and kids?”

“That I don't know.  I honestly do not know. I've got both of them after me . The IRA. The Buckmans.”

“Well you're well and truly fucked aren't you, mate.  And I'd give a shit if you didn't go after my family. Was it you? That sent that girl? Erin? Was it you that had someone take pictures of my wife and my kids?”

“No. I had nothing to do with that. I'd have no reason to do that. I needed you here. To help.”

“No. You needed me here to start a whole bunch of shit. And die in the process.  Then shit really hit the fan with your wife and your kids and you realized you did need me alive. That you needed me to do your dirty work. Because you're a coward. A fucking coward that preys on young girls. You were never going to try and get your wife and your kids back, were you. You were going to leave that all to me.”

“I'm not like you,” McMann says.  “I can't do the things you do.  I can't turn it off.  The emotions.”

“And you think I can? You think I like doing this? You think I like having to kill people? I do it because I have to. Because  I have no other choice. Because it's me or them.  Because I have a family that needs me  and going home in a body bag isn't an option.”

“Where are they?” Mark asks. “The kids.”

“I told you. I don't know. I'm not in on this. I have nothing to do with this. I would never do something like that. To my own kids.  I do need your help,” he turns pleading eyes up at Tyler.  “I do need you to find them.  To get them out.  You're the only one that can do it.”

“And if I was to leave right now?” Tyler asks “If I was to just say 'fuck it' and leave? What then?”

“You wouldn't be able to live with yourself,” McMann replies. “You have kids of your own. And every time you would look at them, you'd think about the kids you left behind. To die.”

Tyler gives a derisive snort. “Let's go,” he says to Mark, and then turns on his heel to head for the car.  “We're done here.”

“Don't you fucking walk away!” McMann roars, as he struggles to his feet. “Don't you bail on me, Rake! Don't you bail on my kids!”

“I'll find your kids,”  Tyler assures him.  “Just as long as you stay the fuck out of my way.”

*****

The McMann house is eerily quiet; nothing but the soft hum of the central air conditioning  filling the air. Outside is just as still; no breeze tousling the tree tops, no sounds of children playing in nearby yards or cars on the street. The sky gray and dreary; an imminent threat of rain.

Esme scours the little girl's room; the boy's had turned up nothing out of the ordinary and it had left her frustrated and feeling helpless. One moment it felt as if they were getting closer to finding out their whereabouts, the next it seemed as if they were taking a hundred steps backwards.

The room is the quintessential girls room. A white wood canopy bed with a billowing sheer panels; white with delicately embroidered pink and purple flowers around the edges. An obviously handmade quilt boasting panels displaying rainbows, unicorns and other mythical creatures. The hardwood floor covered in places by impossibly soft bubble gum pink shag throw rugs, a wall to wall bookcase filled with the little one's favourites and a wide selection of stuffed animals. A desk in one corner; covered with drawers and loose markers and crayons. A towering dollhouse in the other; filled with every possible kind of decor and furniture and several different Barbies.

She searches the closet; flipping through hangers of clothing.  Mostly dresses;  all flowing and made from expensive fabrics and boasting rich, vibrant colours.  A handful of more casual items; jeans, a few t-shirts,  a couple of zip up sweaters.  And she sticks her arm in as far as it will go; blindly feeling along the walls for any shelving or even tucked away spaces and corners that could be used as hiding spots.

Nothing.

Sighing, she closes the closet door and journeys to the dresser.  Fingertips tracing along the various toys and small figurines that sit on top of it.  Unicorns the current favourite; ceramic ones that have been hand painted, others made from glass, a couple constructed of heavy crystal, two with multi-coloured flowing manes and tails. There's a hair brush and a handheld mirror; antique by the looks of it, likely passed on through generations.  A small jewellery box that when opened, held a spinning ballerina and played a soft lullaby.

And suddenly the emotions hit.  Raw and powerful.  Thoughts of her own little girl. Of Millie and her brilliant blue eyes and her light brown hair done up in braids.  Of that bedroom back in Colorado that boasts all the little touches that make Millie the spirited and beautiful five year old that she is;  the paintings she'd done on her own and insisted be framed and hung,  the fleece Winnie the Pooh blanket that she'd been given as a baby by a neighbour in the old apartment; it was tattered and faded yet she still insisted that it be kept at the foot of her bed.  Family pictures on her dresser; even ones of her brothers who she was adamant she hated, yet always told them she loved them before bed.  And that stuffed koala; the one that her daddy had given her when she was only an hour old and had been tagging along with them everywhere they went.  He was missing one eye now; his fur wasn't as soft and it had lost most of its colour. But he is treasured and well loved.

The tears come now. Hot. Bitter. The realization of just how desperately she misses her family.  Just how far away they actually are. How messed up things are and how there's a very real chance that she may never see them again. Or, at the very least, be returning as a single parent.

She flees the room; nearly knocking Yaz clear off his feet as he exits the master across the hall.  And she's barely aware of him calling her name and asking what's wrong; tears blurring her vision and burning her cheeks, chest heaving with sobs as she rushes down the stairs.  She feels as if she can't breathe. She's nauseous. Dizzy. Desperate for escape.

She's sitting on the front steps when the door opens behind her. Clearing the tears off her cheeks with one hand, the other rubbing at her bare arms. She's tired. Emotionally and physically. The stress and the worry and the overwhelming loneliness just too much to bear.  And Yaz doesn't say a word. Just silently slips out of his jacket and drapes it over her shoulders before taking a seat on the top step beside her.

“Anything?” she asks after several minutes, thankful that he hadn't asked questions or pressured her to tell her what was wrong.  Just sitting there in silence; a comforting, friendly presence.

“There's no women's clothes,” he replies. “In the closet. Or any of the dressers.  No things belonging to a woman in any of the bathrooms.”

“This just gets weirder and weirder,” Esme sighs. “McMann said that his kids and his wife were both taken. On the same day. But if there's no sign she was even here...”

“Maybe she came back and got her things.”

“Which would mean she's not being held.  That she's free to come and go as she pleases. And no captor or captors are going to allow that.”

“Which points towards the idea that she's involved.”

Esme nods.

“Are you okay?” he asks. “You've been a little weird the last couple of days.”

“You call me weird three hundred and sixty five days a year. What makes the last couple any different?”

“You're even weirder than usual,”  he teases, and playfully leans into her. “I'm serious. You've been acting all out of sorts. Are you okay?”

“No,” she admits with a shake of her head. “I'm not.”

“You wanna talk about it or...”

“I miss home. I miss the kids.  I miss my life. The one I had before all of this. Before Michael McMann showed up.”

“You'll get that back,” Yaz assures her. “We're getting closer.”

“How can you say that? We have nothing. If seems like with every two steps we take forward, we take ten backwards.”

“I can just feel it,” he says. “I can just feel that we're close. To something. We should get going. We should really be back at the hotel before Tyler gets there. He's going to wonder where the hell we went if we're not there. And I don't know if we should be telling him about this.”

Esme rests the side of her head against his shoulder. “Our little secret?”

“Our little secret,” he confirms.

“Think they'd mind if I used their bathroom? Those two extra large teas on the way here practically have my eyeballs swimming.”

He laughs at that. “You want me to wait here or go start the car or....”

“Just wait here. In case someone does see us here and decides to pop in for a visit.”

She steps back into the house, hurrying for the small three piece bathroom that she'd seen when they'd first started their search of the house.  While in there, she finds a bottle of anti nausea meds in the medicine and takes three; swallowing them down with a palm full of water and then hurrying out to meet Yaz.

She is three feet from the door when she sees it. Out of the corner of her eye.  The corner of an ornate cherry wood dining table behind a set of French doors.   And when she slips into the room for a closer look, she frowns at the odd sight of only five chairs instead of the usual six.

The chair, she thinks.

The one that Heather Buckman was bound to.  The one with the unusual carvings on the legs and the back and the very distinct cushion; burgundy with silver and gold flecks.

The one that matches the five still remaining in the room.

Her hands are shaking as she pulls her SAT from the pocket of her jeans. A sudden rush of adrenaline and the resurgence of hope causing the tremors.  And she snaps a picture of one of the chairs before composing a text to Tyler and sending it to his phone.

WE FOUND SOMETHING.

[paramecie]

Okay I need to talk about dark phoenix under the cut because I have so many opinions. I’ll stay vague at first and then get into real spoilers at the end, with what I didn’t like and what I liked

IN GENERAL

- THE MUSIC WAS INCREDIBLE. Not surprising since it was composed by Hans Zimmer, but it truly gives an incredible mood to the movie.

- I feel like it’s one of the most feminist superhero movie I’ve ever seen? Not in everything, but the women were _central_ to the story and the men ... well. You could get rid of all the men in the story (except maybe for Charles) and you’d still get the same movie. A nice change, if you want my opinion.

- Jean Grey is one of my favourite character and I LOVE Sophie Turner; so this movie was completely my kink lol The entire cast is amazing, but she truly gave everything she’s got in this movie, and it shows. 

- there’s not a lot of cherik scenes, but the few we have are GOLD. 

- the fights were excellent! We get to see them all fight together, and it works so well.

- SPACE !! The scenes in space looked AMAZING.

.

TRUE SPOILERS !!!!!! 

 !!!!

!!!!!

What I didn’t like : 

- Charles looked like he didn’t care that much about Raven’s death. He didn’t even scream her name, or rush towards her, he just looked ... cold. I guess they wanted to focus on Hank’s grief first because they needed to explain why he would want to kill Jean, but it did strike me as weird and it made Charles look uncaring.

- The scene where Jean force Charles to walk up the stairs. It made me really uneasy. 

- @akasanata mentioned a good point : all three of the main women characters died (more or less) at the end, which is ... not good. At all. Chastain’s character had to die, I hardly see how they could have done it differently, but I have mixed feelings about Jean’s maybe-death and Raven. 

- Erik getting angry over Raven’s death felt a bit forced, as did Hank and Erik bonding over their love for Raven ... but ah I kinda accepted it now? The end of xma showed that Erik considered Charles and Raven as his last surviving family, and he said just before to Jean that he was tired of losing loved ones; even if Erik changed and calmed down, he’s still Erik at his core and he’s always reacted with anger after losing someone.

- More backstory about the aliens would have been nice, but tbh I only wanted to see all the mutants interacting with each others so I couldn’t care less about the villains lol. They could have just put an alien wearing a “I’m the bad guy” t-shirt and I would have been satisfied.

- They still can’t make people fly without it looking ridiculous eh. All the scenes where Raven, Erik, or Ororo were flying looked cheap.

- Quicksilver ???? I mean, I’m glad they focused on the women, but he’s Erik’s son and as far as we know Erik still doesn’t know? 

- Scott. Sorry mate, I just don’t like you, you have the charisma of an oyster.

What I liked : 

- Jean. The movie focused on Jean’s struggles, and did an amazing job at showing her internal conflicts. It’s her battle, she got rid of the threat on her own and didn’t need help, only reminders that people loved her.

- CHARLES AND JEAN’S RELATIONSHIP. It was the highlight of the movie, seriously, she’s his daughter, period. 10 years old Jean was adorable. When she says “I know. You did it out of love.” to Charles ??? YES. THAT SHIT RIGHT THERE.

- Refusing to tell a 10 years old girl that his father rejected her is completely understandable, Charles was right to keep it from her, she was a child. But from Jean’s point of view, she had to deal with the guilt of killing her two parents for years, only to discover that one of them is still alive? Yeah, I’d be pretty pissed if I were her. Charles also points out that the cosmic force in her makes Jean incredibly full of rage, she’s not exactly rational at this point. 

- When Jean asked Charles if he’s going to kill her and he replied with a broken voice “oh Jean, never. Never.” GOOD. EXCELLENT. 

- ERIK. My man. Listen, I hated Erik’s characterization in every movie except xmfc, and now I can said that I finally liked another one. Erik living in Genosha in this dusty shack? YES. Erik actually saving humans from Jean? YES. 

- ERIK ACTUALLY LISTENED TO CHARLES AND CHANGED HIS MIND. He listened to Charles for the first time, can I get an AMEN. 

- Erik’s fight in the train scene ??? HOLY SHIT. The casual way he uses his power, the ease, the way he moves, everything was excellent. It was actually ... incredibly hot lol. I feel like we’ve never been given a scene like this with Erik before? Anyway, I’ll take a 24hours loop of this moment, please.

- Erik protecting Charles and Jean by blocking the door with metal scraps! YES! That’s WHAT WE WANT!!

- Kurt’s fighting was also excellent. Truly shows his potential. 

- We get to see Charles using his powers to fight too !

- the kitchen scene between Hank and Charles was incredible, in my opinion. Hank feels guilty, he’s desperate and angry, so it does make sense for him to lash out at Charles - you’re not coherent when you’re in mourning, and Charles had been the last disagreement between Hank and Raven. Charles is right when he said that Hank’s not being fair- but Hank’s lost in his grief and can’t see past his guilt and anger. Charles has never been good with grief either, but he deals with it differently : he tries to ignore it, or to numb his feelings (often with alcohol). So we have these two people, mourning in completely different ways;  it’s not surprising that they got angry at each other.

- Erik’s little speech to Jean about how revenge never got him anything and just made him hurt those he cares about ? I never expected Erik to actually say it in canon.

- Speaking of Erik’s speech to Jean, the way Erik repeated “whose blood is this??” more and more urgently BROKE MY HEART. The panic in his eyes and voice ! You can see that he starts to worry about what Jean has done, that he’s suspecting that something went really wrong and he’s thinking of Charles, Raven, all the ones he cares about in the school.

- JEAN’S “I HAVE TO PROTECT MY FAMILY” killed me, IT KILLED ME GUYS

- THE FUCKING ENNNNNNNNNNNNNND !!!!! “Jean Grey school”?? YES. Hank as director ?? YES. Charles retiring in Paris? YES. ERIK FINDING HIM IN PARIS??? YES. BRINGING A CHESS BOARD WITH HIM? YEEEEES

AND THEN

Erik reminding Charles that Charles saved his life and gave him a home once, and Erik wants to do the same !!!!!!!!!!!! “You saved my life and offered me a home, i want to do the same for you” OH MY GOOOOD THEY’RE GOING TO LIVE TOGETHER I can’t BELIEVE And Charles is like, so ready to cry, he’s so touched by Erik’s words, and then their little banter ashfjgjglhkjf I DIED

- Also, there’s actually an easter egg in french? Like, the café they’re in is called the “café des vieux copains” aka “café of old friends” and they’re in the “rue de la paix” aka “Street of Peace”. Nice. 

Charles’ characterization (I feel like it deserves a category on its own because I don’t agree with most posts I’ve seen about it) : 

- I didn’t expect to like Charles’ character arc. I LOVE Charles and, if he’s not perfect, he’s always been driven by his love for others and mutants and that’s like, the core of his character. Hence why I’d never accept a world where he’s become vain and selfish ... and it just so happens that it’s fortunately not how I felt he was portrayed in the movie.  

He was pictured as stressed, nearly close to a burnout. I mean, can you picture the amount of pressure he’s under? For the first time in three decades, he managed to do what he dedicated his life for : to make a world where mutants and humans coexist, where mutants are accepted and loved ! It’s exhilarating, and yet terrifying. He knows better than anyone that one small mishap could tip the balance to their disadvantage and destroy everything he’s worked for, could endanger all mutants all over again. And because it’s Charles, he bears the burden of this terrifying possibility all by himself, because that’s how he always did it - protect the others, shoulder the weight of their burden alone. 

In the beginning of the movie, he’s happy, pleased that everything worked out, and yet you can see that he’s definitely not okay - he drinks a lot, has a temper, makes more and more rash decisions about his x-men. Raven calls him out on it, but he refuses to see the truth because then he would have to admit that he can’t actually control everything and keep the perfect world they created. I don’t think it’s a coincidence that we don’t see him teaching anymore; he has to focus on their public image, on keeping their fragile balance with humankind, and this is slowly taking over what he loves : teaching. 

I see the Charles’ character arc in xmdp as Charles slowly realizing that he can’t protect everyone, that his desire to control everything didn’t keep Raven and Jean alive, and accepting that he has to delegate and trust others to do their best to keep mutants safe. Anyway, he NEEDS to rest, he needs to mourn, and I thought that his retirement was the best ending we could have for him ! 

[tellywoodtrash]

ebss 06.06.19 lb

bruise magically disappeared. this dhool mitti didn't.

hahahahaha that's the stupidest excuse ever. hawa ka jhonka it seems. (also “sameeeeeeeeer. hawa ka jhonkaaaaaa.” lol)

kavya toh just treats janhvi as her personal therapist and babysitter. hmph.

whose cheeks are chubbierrrrrr? doesn’t matter; mujhe toh dono ke hi gaal kheenchne hain.

yeah i too would go back to sleep if i saw dhruv called me 7 times.

lol kabir ki family ne toh army waalon ke naak mein dum karke rakha hua hai.

ouff lo doosri bhi aa gayi.

hein? based on what exactly are they accusing kabir of knowing more about the terrorist group than he's disclosing?

oh god, there she goes.

“roko inhe” guard: throws his arm up across the doorway.

the high tech security in this army headquarters here really inspires confidence....

they shoulda just brought HER in for questioning, coz yeh toh cheekh cheekh kar sabko sab kuch bol rahi hai.

omfg she's so shrieky and annoying.

“vyom ki.......... MERI patni, kavya.”

lmao could his eyebrows be more raised??????????

is she dumb? why should they believe someone's wife's word as a testament to their character? 12 hours ago you also thought vyom was a noble martyr who should get a medal on republic day.

This Fucker™ is practicing his overacting. from the name of the episode, i know it's all gonna go in vain, lol.

lmaooooooooo.

tell me she's the one to foil his plans spectacularly. pls. i need something to put in my janBir sibling love archive. (for now only that cute kitchen scene is languishing in there, all alone.)

he legit just went “oh btw, jsyk, i'm doing kabir's shraath today.”

this much kameenapann is too much for her also to handle.

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO YOU PPL ARE TAKING THIS TOO EASY.

UGH I TOLD YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUU

“kavya, tum pagal ho???” for once dhruv is asking the right question.

sup boo? majaal ho jo that shirt even has creases in it.

hein ab yeh kaun????

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH, KABIR IS A SPECIAL AGENT. beta promotion ho gaya aur bataaya bhi nahi?

lol whyyyyyyyyyyy does zain pronounce FARZ weirdly? he does it in naamkarann too. he says it kinda like "purse".

kavya has big time patriotism boner for her hubs.

oh. kabir's cannot do combat duty anymore coz he's been injured. so i guess his new special agent job is weeding out double agents but also a desk job?

pft. hattttttttt dhruv, literally no one cares about you here.

aye haaye. what chuimui shy smiles they're giving each other. keep it in your pants till you get home, kids.

BOLAAAAAAAAAAAA THAAAAAAA ISKO EASY MAT LO. FUCKING HELL.

ugh This Fucker™.

he's like before you ask, i wanna tell you something about kabir. after what he did, i don't consider him my son anymore.....

lol can't wait to see this all go tai tai phissssssssssssss when kabir walks in as a hero.

dadaji broke his sundar sapna.(*cue rulaaa ke gaya sapnaaaaa mera...*)

“yeh mera beta nahi hai...... DESH KA BETA HAI!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” lolololololol

lmao kabir's amaaaaaazing "fuck you" faceeeeeee.

last seen on ab tak tv ka most disgruntled beta, omkara singh oberoi.

kavya you dumb af to fall for this shit.

kabir is wildly uncomfortable with all this fakeass praise and just like “i just did what i had to. pls stop making this a whole ~~~~thing~~~~.”

what a spectacular side-eye he gave before walking off.

janhvi should be happy that if nothing, pk ka sasta drama toh nahi chala.

SPECIAL AGENT TOH YEH MANHOOS NIKLA. OUFF YAAR JANHVI. BOLA THA ISKO MAAR DO.

shail, you hella overconfident for someone beaten and tied up.

no point making angry faces. you were the idiot that let this happen. god shail, you're even more useless than dhruv.

———————————————————————

wow. tomorrow looks dramatic af.

good. i'm watching chernobyl rn and it's incredibly bleak and i need the tellywood nautanki to take my mind off it.

[the-council-of-new-york-vampires]

Can you please submit Adam's past!!! As well as some headcanons on him ;(

Out of Character:

Adam’s past is in the works… You see, I started some day in December and didn’t do so much work on it since. 😅 Technically, it’s finished, but it’s especially hard to edit, because it’s the longest one I’ve yet written, and I really do want it to be perfect. But don’t worry, I’ll def publish it. ☺️

Lemme start with my headcanons:

My biggest one: Adam is a psychopath. So, sometime ago, I asked people on their opinion on that topic and legit no one replied… Thanks for that, guys. 🙃😂 Anyway, I have been drowning myself in research for several weeks now, and I know that there’s a lot of misinformation about psychopathy online. Like, psychopaths have very little to do with Hollywood movies, and it’s not a mental illness but a neurological disorder. I differentiate between sociopaths and psychopaths as well, as in: Psychopaths are born, sociopaths are made, and they behave and think differently. I have been analyzing Adam’s behavior and scenes carefully and, as far as I’m concerned, he meets all the signs for psychopathy. I know it’s kind of a critical topic to discuss, but I’d love to analyze Adam’s behavior and thoughts and compare it to psychopathy, in a separate post. (I am not looking to insult or offend anyone with this, I just love giving interesting characters more depth and exploring their minds and ways of thinking, especially when it comes to villains.)

Fitting the above one, Adam was a con artist at some point. I always thought of this job he would be so good at, but never knew the name until I came across it during my psychopathy research. Con artist! That job is made for him. I headcanon, some day after being a politician as a human, he came to America and started working as, I don’t know the name, but those people who came to people’s houses and sold them bullshit. He didn’t do that for a long time, though, because I don’t think it makes good money and it has a low social standing. However, that’s how he slipped into the con artist job or how he calls it “working in the finance sector”. He did that for, I don’t know, ten years or more, before he decided he had made enough money with it. He wanted to get into poilitics again to satisfy his desire for power, and quit being a con artist, because it would have been too risky to do both at the same time. (I doubt he was ever caught, but conning people is obviously illegal.)

It was slightly hinted at by Adrian that, sometimes, Adam kills women after sleeping with them. I think when he was around Priya’s age, he did that very often. Just sought them out and killed them afterwards, because he liked the feeling of power and control it gave him. In the present, it is more likely that he has contacts for things like that, contacts he does not kill, because it would be a huge scandal, obviously. Still, he sees all people as objects, humans more so than vampires, and attractive young women primary as sex objects to use and discard, and he thinks it’s pathetic that they adore him and seek him out the way they do, that they ‘let’ him kill them. But of course, he pretends to be this super elegant gentleman. I do think he was taught to treat women with special respect, but, if you consider his actual personality, it’s highly unlikely that he keeps that mask on in the bedroom. He displays it in public, because most women love gentlemen, but, unless his lover needs to be manipulated by him or he wants something from her, he is totally different, degrading even, in the bedroom.

I think Adam is very vain to the point that he needs longer in the bathroom than some ladies. I think he has a personal barber, stylist, you name it, and they come over every morning. He loves his appearance and - sorry - I can definitely see him making out with a mirror. At least, whenever he walks by, he does admire the guy he sees. But how could you not? How could women not? At least, that’s what Adam thinks. And lemme judge: he’s damn right. Adam’s About 183 cm tall (I just know), he’s muscular, he has a nice haircut, a fancy beard, great taste in fashion… And those, lemme guess, thick 7 inches. 😌😏 Hehe.

Pretty sure that Adam has a wild, irresponsible streak in him that he must live out somehow. I mean, he dated Priya and as if she would ever date anyone boring. Adam loves partying, irresponsible sexual acts, the adrenaline when seeking thrills. Despite what people think, I can definitely see him as a reckless driver, especially when alone. This guy has no fears. He is similar to Kamilah in some ways, but that’s one where they differ: I think he can let go better than she can, he just needs the right circumstances, right people, right situations. He is a lot more likely to play Roulette and bet on black just for the hell of it. With Priya, he did many irresponsible things, thinking “I don’t care. I love it.” Icona Pop knows. 😉

As a mortal, Adam had a family and children. Considering the historical context, this is more than likely. People often say they can’t imagine him as a father, and in a way I agree: I think he was a very neglectful and absent father who had a lot more kids than he wanted (considering the fact that he wanted none 😂). Furthermore, he was a very disloyal husband, married more than once, got women pregnant who he wasn’t married to, banished them or forced them into an abortion (people knew there were ways to miscarry)… I’m guessing the probability for him to cheat in a relationship to be as high as 80%. I see no reason for him not to cheat, because he has no moral compass and he believes he can have anyone, deserving of as many lovers as he wants. However, if she would cheat, he would either be incredibly angry or totally careless. Anyway, if there is one person seeing a crying toddler and thinking “Damn, I’m glad my kids are dead”, it’s Adam.

Back to his roots: Adam grew up Catholic. This is not me saying religion makes people bad (I’m religious myself), but me saying he grew up at a time and in a country that was certainly Catholic. However, I highly doubt he ever believed in any religion, simply was raised into a strictly religious environment. In that way, he broke rules very early such as no lying or no touching yourself, and this is how he learned to be sneaky about it. This theory explains his name as well, as Adam was the first human created by God, and he was likely named after him, not as the first human in the world, but the first baby born to his parents, a noble couple. I’m very sure he grew up in a big family. However, he is only focused only on himself since… all the time.

Obviously, regarding sex, Adam has done almost everything there is to do. I think he is much more animalistic and pleasure-focused than people think, and he loves to break taboos the same way he breaks rules as he considers himself above them. Imagine anything nasty and I bet he has done it. Either with someone kinky like Priya or he just persuaded a ‘normal’ person into letting him try whatever ‘sick’ fantasy he had. Also, he loves group sex with, like, four women who cater to his needs. I tried to widen this headcanon a bit by bringing guys into it as well. While I think Adam is definitely heterosexual, I wouldn’t be surprised if anything happened between him and a man. I headcanon something like: He was at an orgy, drunk or whatever, centuries ago, doing his thing, and a guy just approached and gave him oral. Lol. And he let him do it, because why the hell not? Meanwhile, I find kissing a bit too intimate, but I can imagine he has done it, too, out of manipulation or because a guy just kissed him. With Priya, I headcanon he seduced young women, killed them… and they had fun with them, like… blood play and stuff…

I think Adam’s basic directive is “I don’t care”, regarding the other members of The Council as well. Of course, there are things he cares about deeply, like killing the Clanless or getting votes, but all of that serves no one but himself, the only person on Earth he actually cares about. You could give him any person’s name and ask if they shall live or die and he wouldn’t care at all what happens to them (unless that person’s existence is useful or bothering for him). Yeah, he has no conscience and he gives zero shits. His emotions are super limited. Like, when Gaius presented them his morbid plan, Adam was careless to the point that he had to observe the others’ reactions to be able to form and voice an opinion. He is calm by default and rarely gets angry (the anger he showed in several scenes was fake in order to appear believable).

Regarding lovers, Adam has a type. He likes young women (22-28), naive and ‘stupid’, women he can easily control, and he sees himself deserving of having all the pretty ones, like trophies or possessions. When someone doesn’t have the right age or look, he considers them not good enough for him and would find it pathetic if they asked him out. He doesn’t like independent women, he likes women he can make dependent on him. He always needs to be the superior one, financially as well as intellectually. All this explains why he never had and never ever will have a thing for Kamilah. She is everything he can’t control, can’t subject, and that’s why he respects her and can openly express a platonic liking for her. But deep inside, women like that threaten him and he wants to destroy them, because they are too smart to fall for him. And women (people) he can’t benefit from, who refuse to obey him, who he can’t manipulate, have no use to him. Regarding one night stands, which he had a lot more than gilfriends, he only targets very attractive women. He likes dark types, like himself, rather than blondes, and women who are particularly feminine. Long hair, long nails, dresses, high heels… I think that attracts him. And he loves asses. And Latinas. Sorry.

I think Adam has more than two faces. To the public, he is that super friendly, charming guy who wants the best for anyone. To The Council, he is that friendly guy who has drastic measures, but still puts a lot of importance on their team-spirit. Part of the mask is off, but he still presents himself as friendly and interested in the well-being of the public. Like, he greets the members happily and calls them his “friends”, but everyone does know they shouldn’t turn on him. (The Baron even said so.) When dating Priya, he showed a different face again. More of that easy-going guy, a great sport, overly protective of his ‘loved’ ones. He always alternates between “Hello, I am super friendly and chill, you can talk about anything with me” and “I am super dangerous and you better not fuck with me”. Then, in reality, he is a cold-hearted snake who cares about no one but himself. Now imagine him around his Clan. I think his mask slips off even further than it does when he’s with The Council, in a way that they might even fear him, because they know what he’s capable of. Or they admire him because he leaves the mask on, like the nerd in the train to the Ball does, who obviously has a crush on him? It is so different to assess Adam, because he is a great actor and he can legit be anyone. He can be the kind philantrophist you support, the sexy celebrity you admire, the relaxed guy who is your best friend, the intelligent Clan leader, the most caring boyfriend you have had, the most abusive boyfriend you have had… or the man who is actually planning to murder you.

[phan-of-the-pen]

I Dare You To Stay: Chapter 19

hope you enjoyed the fluff this is SAD

Tags for chapter: MAJOR angst, talk/mentions of depression/mental health issues, minor issues of self worth

Words for chapter: ~2.5 k

Fic Summary: Dan Howell is a barista working a shitty job, frequenting his shitty apartment, and living a shitty existence, hiding his asexuality and going for a PHD in self-depreciation and depression. Phil Lester is a part-time intern, part-time employee at a local weather station, trying to get experience in his field and make a name for himself, while juggling a second job at the nearby Tesco’s to give him some financial breathing room. Their paths were never supposed to meet, but what happens when they do anyways, one rainy day in Manchester?

(ao3!)

<– Previous chapter Next chapter -->

~~~~~~~~~~

Dan ignored yet another buzz from the phone in his pocket. Like the past four this morning, this message would too be from Phil, and Dan just couldn't bring himself to look at them.

All of the texts boiled down to Phil trying to make up his absence to Dan, but Dan just wasn't in the mood to try and pretend to be anything but exhausted. His limbs were heavy and his heart was slowly numbing. Phil leaving was only part of the problem, but Dan just couldn't bring himself to shoulder it at the moment.

Phil was spending the next few days shadowing a retired but incredibly knowledgeable meteorologist. Dr. Mathers had worked with the weather station Phil was a part of for decades, and he had earned several awards for his work. He was more qualified in retirement than some of the meteorologists that were currently working in the bigger stations, and taking the time to learn from him was an opportunity that both Phil and the station couldn't pass up.

Normally, Dan would be just as excited and happy as Phil about something like this, but recently getting out of bed was an uphill struggle. He felt horrible about not being as outwardly supportive as he should have been, and he didn't know how to make it up to Phil. Even if he did, he wasn't so sure that he would be able to go through with anything, not with how much his mental health was crumbling in his hands.

It was the beginning of the second week in the new year. Jaime had left nearly two weeks ago on the 8AM train back to London on New Year's Day, and her departure had carved a deep chasm in Dan's soul. As angsty and emo as it sounded, he didn't have another way to describe how he felt. She had been going back and forth for what seemed like so long, and those two weeks that she had spent in Manchester had been almost solely devoted to just the two of them. Dan had been rendered nearly breathless with the realization of how much he had missed Jaime, and he had greedily drunk up every moment they spent together in the vain attempt at sedating an endless desire to be around her.

What he had failed to account for was how alone he felt now that she was gone; it was like he was missing his arms, or his legs. And it wasn't like he was entirely without her. They would text and Facetime, and he would skype her whenever they had the chance, but it was nothing like the real thing. Jaime wasn't meant to be simplified to just the pixels on his screen. In a way, her absence now hurt even more than her initial series of trips back and forth from Manchester to London.

Before Jaime's Christmas break, Dan had survived the separation by spending his spare time with Phil. Their blossoming relationship ended up flourishing because of it, and Dan was extremely grateful for how much they ended up strengthening the foundation that their relationship was built upon. These past two weeks have done nothing up test that foundation, however.

Phil had cancelled so many of their shared plans that Dan had only seen him twice in the past two weeks, and neither of those times were longer than half an hour stops at the coffee shop. Both of the two times that he and Dan had seen each other Phil had promised Dan that he would stay for at least an hour, but by the time twenty or thirty minutes were up his phone would ring and Phil would drop everything to answer it outside. After talking animatedly on the phone with a frown for ten to fifteen minutes Phil would reappear and shake his head. He'd chug down the rest of his coffee and walk out the door. "I'm really sorry, Dan, but I have to go. It's work." Phil was also only answering maybe half of the texts that Dan sent him, and he had acted horribly distant in the few and strained interactions the two had had.

Dan was as hurt as he was worried. Phil was shutting him out from something, and Dan wanted to be there for his boyfriend and smooth out the stressed creases in his forehead and surround him in a soothing hug. At the same time Dan was suffering from severe anxiety about the whole thing. He had never had the chance to talk to Phil about how he had been hurt from being shut out before, and now didn't seem like a good time.

He couldn't turn to Jaime because she was busy with the play, and he didn't want to spoil one of their few talks with his relationship problems. Good things to drown out the bad things was what he wanted right now, so talking to Jaime about this was out of the question. He couldn't lean on his boyfriend because Phil was not only dealing with something on his own, but currently all of their conversations were giving Dan skin-crawling anxiety with every terse word Phil gave him.

Dan didn't even have Mary.

She had been in the coffee shop once in the past three weeks, and it had been to tell Dan and Jaime that she wouldn't be around for a little. She needed a surgery to finally get some help for her bad knee, and she wouldn't be able to make the trip to the coffee shop for two months in her old age.

Part of Dan was happy to know why she had been acting strange a few weeks ago, but another part of him was sad and upset that he wasn't going to be seeing her for a while.

While Dan would never concern her with a problem of this magnitude, he would have killed to get even one morning with her. A little "Good morning, Daniel!" would have made his whole week, especially in the midst of all of this crap.

Dan unlocked the door to the coffee shop and flicked on the lights. He tossed his jacket into the break room and immediately and mechanically started to set up for the day.

He shovelled coffee grounds into one of the brew machines and slumped against the counter as he waited. His stomach grumbled a little as coffee started to permeate the air, but he didn't make a move to try and fix it. He hadn't eaten since his pitiful dinner of a slice of old pizza last night, and considering the fact that he didn't bring a lunch with him, it wouldn't be until he got home until he possibly would eat again.

Dan could just grab something from the case—they were allowed to—or even stop in one of the many shops up and down the street, but he didn't care if he didn't eat.

He didn't care about a lot right now.

Dan scrubbed at his face, exhausted in many more ways than just physical.

He had seen his therapist a few days ago, and she had warned him that he needed to try and prevent himself from falling further down this hole he was spiraling down, but Dan didn't really take her advice to heart. When he crawled out from this latest depressive episode he knew he would regret not listening to her, but right now he was empty and lonely, and that voice in the back of his head was too loud for him to ignore.

He didn't have his boyfriend. He didn't have his best friend. He didn't have Mary. He was all alone.

And it hurt. More than he could try and articulate, really.

~~~~~

Dan pushed the bag of crisps away from him, his minuscule appetite already gone. He wrapped the blanket around his body tighter and stared blankly at his television screen. One of the series he had been watching with Phil had uploaded a two hour season finale, but Dan wasn't absorbing a single second of what was being played. His stomach grumbled, but Dan only frowned and buried deeper into the blanket. He really didn't want food right now.

He didn't really want anything right now.

No, that was a lie.

He wanted someone. He didn't care if it was Jaime or Phil, or anyone else, but he needed some kind of human contact. Dan desperately wanted someone to help him pull himself out of his head space.

Dan slipped his phone out of his pocket and unlocked it. He had two unread texts from Phil that had accumulated since the last time that Dan had checked his phone a few hours ago. He ignored them for now and brought up the thread he and Jaime had.

> To: my maraschino cherry are u around?

It was close to an hour before Jaime responded. Even with her uncharacteristically late reply, Dan's heart still soared. He clicked on the new text.

> From: my maraschino cherry [multimedia message]

at a party rn. we did our first run of the whole set today! so we're celebrating lmao

anyways

did you need something? I can easily duck into a room, np danny

The picture attached was one of Jaime in what looked like someone's lounge. The whole thing was a little blurry, but Dan could easily see the sheer happiness on his best friend's face. Her arm was around an attractive blonde, their faces pressed together as they both widely and drunkenly looked into the camera.

Dan instantly felt guilty for bothering Jaime. She was having so much fun. There was no reason for him to not only ask her to momentarily leave the party to talk to him, but to also trouble her with the knowledge that he was rapidly slipping into a deep depressive episode. It would kill her mood and make her needlessly worry about him.

She deserved to be happy.

Dan quickly typed out his reply and sent it, backing out almost immediately.

> To: my maraschino cherry no dw! i just was wondering if u had time to talk lol. have fun! dont get TOO drunk ;)

Dan stared at his text chat with Phil. He read over the last two texts he had missed from his boyfriend, and bit his lip, trying to decide if he should bother Phil.

Phil hadn't directly seen what Dan's depressive episodes could come to. Jaime had been in the trenches with Dan, and even though she had never seen what they looked like behind locked doors and closed blinds until not too long ago, she had picked up his pieces after every one and was all too aware of the damage they did to Dan's mental and physical health. Phil knew the general gist of it from the few details Dan had given him, but there was no doubt that Phil would be in way over his head trying to handle Dan. Not to mention trying to deal with him in a depressive episode this strong.

Dan was also all too aware of how worried Phil would be over him, and Dan knew for a fact that no matter how far Phil pulled away from him, if Dan told Phil about this mounting problem Phil wouldn't be able to think straight until he could make sure Dan was okay with his own two eyes. It would put him off of his game for the whole week, and Dan didn't want to derail this important trip for Phil before it really began. This was an opportunity for Phil that Dan was determined not to ruin.

Frowning, Dan closed out of the messaging app. Almost instantly he reopened it again. His therapist had pointed out to him several times that he struggled with accepting and asking for help, and that he needed to let people into his life more if he wanted to get better. This was one of those instances, right? So shouldn't he talk to someone?

Dan drafted a message and deleted it. He tried again but only erased it as well. Dan groaned and nearly clicked the screen of his phone off out of frustration.

One more time…

Dan left this third attempt devoid of anything that would suggest that Dan was in trouble. In fact, it was very simple to what he had initially sent Jaime.

> To: Phil Lester (is amazing!!) hey, do u think we could talk?

After sending it, Dan felt a bit better. Even if he never gathered the courage to admit to Phil that he was in a bad place and that it would only get worse, he was confident that talking to Phil would make his spirits soar. It wasn't a miracle cure, but it would soothe the worst of the mind-numbing loneliness and depression deep in his bones.

Except Dan watched as the hours ticked by and his phone remained quiet and dark. When Dan blinked back into reality it was nearing 2AM. His Netflix show had long since expired, and there wasn't as much as a twitter notification on his phone. Dan dragged himself to his bed even though he knew that it was doubtful that he would sleep tonight.

Meanwhile, something hard had settled in the furthest reaches of Dan's chest. It made breathing difficult and his brain take three times as long to process even the smallest things. It had admittedly been a while since he had been last acquainted with it, but it was familiar. Sickly comforting in the sense that it was something he was so used to. In a way, it was like coming home.

When it was time to get up and get ready for work, Dan got ready on complete impulse. He was too busy dissociating to even remember the walk there, and was mildly surprised when he found himself stocking the cash register on muscle memory alone.

That was one thing that was different with this depressive episode, it seemed. Ever since he had first started to fall into this predicament about a week ago, he had buried himself in work. He took extra shifts in the coffee shop and even sometimes stayed overtime. Coming from someone who normally shut down in every way in the deepest caverns of his depression, the behavior was horribly different from what he was used to. Maybe it was because this depressive episode was caused by something different.

Before, they had been caused by his longing for things he didn't have: a family, a lover, acceptance, someone (or a group of people) who loved him and he could love in return. After he was kicked out and he found Jaime, they slowly became fewer and farther in between as he and Jaime became inseparable. Even though they were still there, he could manage them.

Dan had never had a depressive episode triggered by an all-consuming, numbing sense of being utterly and completely alone before.

Something deep in his gut did he have the feeling that this one would not be his last.