#she already is dealing with postpartum depression but on top of that it was a traumatic life threatening birth

[dragpinkman]

wish i lived near family still right about now

[roadtogracelandx45]

Under False Pretenses|2| Band of Brothers Mafia AU

@marycorleone

ao3

masterlist

part one

smut is this chapter, its been awhile since I have actually written a full sex scene instead of implying it.

word count: 4k

Two 

He tapped his fingers against the steering wheel, every inch of him screaming out to turn the sirens on in the car and pull her over. First to haul her out of the seat and into his arms, to kiss her and apologize for listening to her grandfather. To meet his daughter, and be the man that he always was.  

When Robert Stewart approached him about leaving Olivia, he thought that he had everything that she needed, including love. Something he would assume that Robert would have wanted for his oldest and only granddaughter.

  But he was wrong, Robert had only cared about how far her relationships could get her. Much like her birth mother who Olivia cut out of her life after she found out that her daughter was in love with a barber/taxi cab driver.  The aftermath of that fight was the first time that Joe had ever heard a girl say she loved him when he wasn’t balls-deep in them and it was the first time that he said it too.   

He wanted to go back to Olivia when he had a career and had something to be proud of, he didn’t want to be coming back to her with his tail between his legs because his boss said so, but here he was. 

*

Olivia glanced in the rearview mirror,  the sedan that their normal driver Jake pointed out was following her, and her heart was in her throat. She knew that the business dealings that her family did and the ones that the Nixon family did could be why she was being followed. 

 They tried to keep her out of the loop but she knew, especially since Lewis and Dick started taking more and more on within it, they unloaded a lot on her.  This morning was almost sweet with Lewis sleepily shuffling into her bedroom and into her bed after a long meeting the night before, he wouldn’t go into details, all he wanted to was cuddle into her and watch a movie with her. 

Dick had already joined her hours before. 

“JOE!?!”  She exclaimed when her eyes meet the driver of the sedan behind her. It had been 5 years to the day since she had last seen him, her 21st birthday. “What the fuck?! Liv, you are seeing things, it's been 5 years, and he is never coming back.”  She shook her head and looked at her phone that beeped,  Lewis had texted her, another birthday message proclaiming his love for her, her pussy and tits, and her love of Vat .69.  

Everything. 

Leave it to Lewis to make her smile when she was starting to panic, he and Dick had developed an Olivia spidey sense and found one way or another to get to her. 

It was almost sweet. 

She typed a quick reply before going to the yoga studio, after giving birth to Aurora and battling postpartum depression, she had started yoga on top of therapy. It had helped but never fully healed the hurt she had from missing him. 

**

“Hey, there’s the birthday girl.” Dick greeted, a couple of hours later, stepping into Olivia’s office a few hours later, she and Lewis looked so peaceful sleeping this morning that he had  just left them to sleep. 

 “Hey, Dick.” She returned balling up a tissue in her hand and tossing it into the trash can. 

“What’s wrong?” He crossed the room and pulled her from the chair she was in and into his arms. 

“I thought I saw Joe.” 

“Leibgott?”  He forgot that she called him Joe, everyone called him by his last name but only Olivia called him, Joe.

“Yeah.” She returned with a sniffle, “I was going to the yoga studio, I swore I saw him in that piece of shit sedan that has been across the street from the house.’  Rolling his eyes frustrated, he pinched her ass causing her to yelp. He could tolerate swearing from her once in a while, mostly when she and Lewis had gotten into the Vat .69 but she was a proper southern lady, and at work at least she had to act like it. 

“It’s been 5 years honey.” He started smoothing his hand over her curls, “Today, it's not surprising you would think that.”  “Sorry, sorry, I am a mess.”  On top of the emotions that had been pent up in her about the truth about why Joe left her, and her grandfather dying, she had to agree to go off of birth control and try for another baby until her older brother James figured out a loophole to stop the whole baby for her inheritance. 

“What’s going on in here?” Lewis asked, he was making the trek to his own office and had seen his husband and wife through the window and backtracked to the door to look at them. ‘I thought I saw Joe, kind of threw  me through a loop.’ She commented as she went to pull away from Dick but he held her fast, he didn’t want her to leave his side until she was together. The last time he let her go, she ended up having a panic attack and had to be sedated. 

The dark hair man looked at Dick then at Olivia who rested her head on his chest.   Shaking his head, he put his files and coffee cup he had in his hands on her desk before hugging her from behind.  

“We looked high and low for him babe. He is gone.” He nuzzled his nose into her neck, “Gene even went to Italy remember?” 

Eugene Roe was Olivia’s best friend from the pre-med program and had come up from New Orleans to help them look for him. 

 “I know, I know.” She returned softly before clearing her throat, “Y’all need to get to your meetings. Your dad is here Lew, and I don’t want to fight with him on my birthday about you being late for your meetings.”  

Smirking, her husband nipped the flesh of her neck, “He agreed with your grandfather, he should have a grandchild with the Nixon DNA. He will forgive me if I am late for one not only comforting my wife but by fucking her too.”  Dick rolled his eyes before pressing a chaste kiss to Olivia’s mouth and forehead, “I do have to go. I will be back later to get you for lunch Lew, behave yourself.”  

“Never.” 

**

“Agent Jones, if you follow me, Mrs. Nixon is back from her lunch with Mr. Nixon and Mr. Winters.”  Alice Rogers, Olivia’s long-time assistant commented as she rose from behind the desk. Scarlett who had won out and was the one to meet with Olivia,  the woman knew the other men, and nothing would get done. And they didn’t want her to know that Joe was an agent.  “Thank you.” She said, “How long have you been working with Mrs. Nixon?” She asked. 

“Since she finished the nursing program,  girl was going places in the field but she knew she had a duty to her family and the Nixons. Raised a major fuss about it.”  The older woman answered before knocking on the door and easing it open, Olivia was standing behind the desk turned towards the ensuite bathroom talking to who Scarlett was assuming was Lewis Nixon. 

“Seriously, Lew, all through lunch Stanhope stared straight at the hickies. Could you have waited to do that until after the party tonight?” Olivia could be heard saying. And Scarlett could have jumped for join, she had wanted to scream at Liebgott that she did love her husband and that he shouldn’t expect much of anything to come from being back in her life. But of course the boys were there hyping him up about it.

He was just going to end up getting drunk and being at her apartment talking about the past and Olivia and the last thing that she wanted to do was listen to that bullshit again. 

She had heard it enough.

“Mrs. Nixon, Agent Jones of the FBI.” Alice said after clearing her throat. “Thank you Alice.” Olivia  returned, tearing her attention away from her husband to look at the agent. “Sorry, a lot of excitement around here.”

 “Yeah, my father is in town, it's Liv’s birthday today, her grandfather passed away.” Lewis rambled as he came out of the bathroom fussing with his tie. With a huff, the woman slapped his fidgeting fingers away from the tie and fixed it. 

“Just not to pick a fight until after the party tonight Aurora is thrilled that she gets to go until after dinner.” Lewis raised his eyes in a playful thought. “Lewis! Don’t you dare!” She warned, thumping his chest lightly, “do you want to break a 4 years old’s heart?” 

Scarlett shifted her weight from one foot to another, the boys were teasing Joe again about his tastes in women and Tab was telling another story about Aurora between jokes. She cleared her throat to remind them again that she was there.  

“I would never.” The man laughed before pressing his lips against Olivia’s once, then twice and then a third time before leaving the office with not so much as a backward glance at Scarlett. 

“Sorry about that.” Olivia said, pushing her bangs away from her eyes, “when his father is around he tends to get.” “Like a spoiled child?” Scarlett threw out, she had dealt with Joe when he went into a tailspin about missing Olivia and it was like having to deal with a spoiled child. 

“Exactly.” She motioned for the agent to sit across from her, “What can I help the FBI with?” 

Scarlett pushed up the glasses Stevenson insisted she wore. They hadn’t had time to bug her office and this was the easiest way to get eyes in the office. 

**

“What are you doing Joe?” Talbert asked, pushing himself away from the table top that was in the back of the van they were in. “I am going in there, this is absolutely ridiculous. I have been away from her for five years because of her grandfather,  you all know my child! That isn’t right!” 

They had all heard him say more than once that he wanted to move Olivia to San Francisco into a big old house and fill it full of little Liebgott’s.

  “We know but until a year and half ago we didn’t even know where you were.” Chuck Grant commented,  “And you were so far up Scarlett’s ass that bringing up Olivia and Aurora seemed wrong.”

 They were right, up until 6 months ago, he was in no position to hear a thing about Olivia, it hurt too much. Then one day,  Talbert, who along with Grant and George Luz, another friend they had from school, went to lunch and he saw the picture of the trio and it opened the floodgates. He learned everything about her from the last 4 and half years. “Wait until tonight,” Floyd added, “Lewis and Dick are throwing her a party, we will sneak you in. You will see and be with her again.”  

** 

Atrium of Tenafly

Olivia Nixon’s 25th birthday party 

** 

“You know she probably won’t punch your lights out if you were to go over to her and talk to her.” Grant said later that night, they were in the venue for Olivia’s birthday party and Joe didn’t want to approach her. 

“She is too well mannered in public now for that.’  Floyd started laughing from where he sat kiddie corner from him, “Your memory is failing you from that car accident Chuck.” 

Chuck had been in a bad car accident leaving the ski lodge that Lewis had rented one year and it had left him with some speech and memory issues. “She has acted like that in public more then once. And usually on Liebgott’s behalf. Remember Mallie?”  Joe pulled a face as he swallowed a drink of his whiskey, “Don’t remind me of that.”  His dark eyes found Olivia who was talking to Eugene Roe, Babe Hefferon and Bill  Guarnere, their daughter on her hip,  the little girl was completely enamoured by the latter of the trio.  

“I will be god damned.” Lewis Nixon commented as he came to a stop by the table, his eyes landing on Joe, “Livia wasn’t imagining you being back.” 

“Nix, good to see you. Taking good care of our girl?”  He returned as Floyd and George straightened up just in case they needed to get involved in a fight that was going to start brewing. They knew Liebgott and they knew Nixon and they knew how their tempers flaired when it came to Olivia.  And Lewis had a habit of becoming more hot headed when it came Aurora. 

“You never have to worry about that. Olivia and Aurora are in good hands. Dick and I take very good care of them.” 

“I am surprised that you are sober enough to realize that they are there. Last I remember, you forgot about the dinner that you were supposed to have with her grandparents and she got verbally abused for that.’

   “Take it easy fellas.” George warned, he could see that Lewis’s raised voice caught the attention of not only Dick, Harry and Kitty but that of Olivia and the group she was with. 

“This is not the time or place for this fight. I don't think Liv would ever forgive either one of you for ruining this night for her like her 21st birthday party and this is Aurora’s first party that she has been able to attend for at least a little while.”  

“Lew?” Olivia’s voice came as she came to a stop by his side, sans Aurora. The little girl was being twirled around the dance floor in her uncle Bill's arms giggling happily. 

 “Everything okay here? Hey guys.” She offered her friends a bright smile then her eyes landed on Joe. 

Her suddenly numb fingers grasped at the sleeve of her husband's jacket, “Joe.” 

 “Hey Livia.” He greeted as he stood up, her eyes trailing over her body. The shooting star tattoo with the 11:11 time  looked fresh, like the day she had gotten it.  The rose gold necklace with the small shooting star charm that he had gotten her for her last birthday they spent together was around her neck,  covering up part of the scar she had from the same car accident Chuck was in. Her tits, god those tits, looked better than he remembered. Maybe it was because of her carrying their daughter, but they looked phenomenal.

 All he wanted to do is rip off the black material that covered them and suck on them. But now wasn’t the time nor place. And judging by the look on her face it would be a long while before it happened. 

“Hey Livia! Is all you can say after 5 fucking years!” She said through clenched teeth, George and Tab were right, she wouldn’t be causing a scene not like how she used too. Mostly because of the cameras and people around. The last thing that Nixon Nitrate needed was a bad publicity event.  

“Why don’t you two go outside and talk?” Bull Randleman commented from when he was standing just behind Olivia and Lewis, “Better that way and Aurora won’t ask questions.” Her eyes darted around seeking  out the little girl who was still in Bill’s arms.  “Go ahead Livia,” Lewis said before grasping her chin between his fingers and kissing her deeply. She whined and pushed his chest to get him away from her. He had started drinking before they had left for the party and having Joe show up was going to make the situation so much worse than it needed to be. 

“Go sober up Lewis.” She returned before she walked quickly towards the propped open exit. Giving the drunk man a look, Joe followed her quickly.

“Come on Lewis, let’s get some coffee in you before you embarrass not only your husband but your wife and daughter.” Harry Welsh commented having heard everything that happened, he was one of the very few that could get through to Lewis when he was like this.

**

“It’s been 5 years.” Olivia started once the door swung shut behind him, “and all you can say is hey Livia? Do you have any idea what hell I have been through looking for you?”

 She seemed calm but he knew better, this was her way of baiting him into a trap and causing a major fight that ended up with them being in bed for a week. “I waited for 6 hours. 6 hours at the train station for you. I watched the train we had tickets for leave and two other trains come and go.”

“I am sorry Liv, I am so sorry,” he started holding up his hands showing the defeat he felt, “i didn’t want to leave you. And I have regretted it every single day since I did. Your grandfather, the right bastard he is, threatened everything. He threatened your life if I didn’t leave.”  Olivia, who had been rubbing her hands up and down her arms and pacing back and forth to keep warm, stopped in her tracks, “What?” 

Joe undid the buttons to his jacket and pulled it off before holding it out to her silently, he knew she hated being cold, that was the one of the  true southern Belle things about her, she didn’t do cold well.  

“Come on Princess, it wouldn’t be the first time you wore my jacket. I seem to remember you loved wearing my clothes.” Scowling, Olivia stepped forward and pulled her arms through the sleeves. Joe pulled it up and settled it on her shoulders.

 “He threatened to have you killed baby.” His hands stole under her the material and landed on her hips, “I couldn’t live with me being the fact that you were dead.”

  She didn’t push him away like he had thought so he pulled her  into  him, “He would have rather had his only granddaughter dead then married and in love with a lowly barber cabbie from San Francisco.”  

Tears were filling her eyes rapidly. 

“I loved,” he paused to correct himself, “love you too much to let you die.” 

“I almost did die.” She admitted softly, “I was pregnant with our child,” Joe closed his eyes and rested his forehead against hers, “that little girl that I was with? That’s your daughter Aurora.” He dug  his fingers into her hips and pulled her flush against him.  “I was a mess, I didn’t know what to do. I had you everyday for 3 years and we were running away to Italy to get married and then you were gone. I was alone and pregnant.” “Livia.” He started, he had heard the accounts of what happened from the boys and read the file, he didn’t want to hear from her.

 He couldn’t handle it. “You don’t have to talk about it baby. The boys filled me, Johnny said he and Pat and Harry and Kitty took turns sitting with you.”  

She nodded her head as she reached her hand to wipe the tears away, “Kitty and Pat were with me for most of the pregnancy, Johnny too. He was the one that was with me when I went to labor with Aurora.” He made a silent note to thank Johnny for stepping up and being there for Olivia. “Liv?”  Dick’s soft voice asked from the doorway,  “We need you back in here.”  “I will be right in.” She returned, cursing his timing. The tall man nodded his head and turned his back to give them privacy. “Sorry, duty calls.” His hands stole down from her waist to her ass, “I am not leaving any time soon. I am here to stay.” 

***

5 hours later

**

Joe waited in the hallway as Olivia tiptoed into the room that Lewis was passed out in to check on him and on Dick who was still sitting up with an open novel on his lap.  He couldn’t make out what they were saying but she leaned over and kissed a sleeping Lewis’s head before Dick’s lips and rejoined him in the hallway, “There’s one more stop before we can go to bed.”  

Her voice was still low, like she was afraid to wake up a grown man and cause another fight but when she walked down the hallway to another door and eased the door open, he understood, their child was asleep just feet away. 

He reached his hand up and pulled the device out of his ear and shoved it deep into his pocket, he didn’t need to hear anyone’s reactions and he was already thankful that Olivia had accidentally turned off the wire when she had straddled him on the limo ride back to the Nixon’s mansions. He didn’t want  his co-workers and Scarlett didn’t listen to him seeing his daughter for the first time up close or him and Olivia fucking like wild animals.  “Shh, it’s okay Rora, it’s just mama.’ Olivia’s voice was still soft as she smoothed her hand over the girl’s dark curls trying to soothe the little girl back to sleep. 

“Mama, love.’ The little girl mumbled sleepily as she rolled over and clutched the stuffed rabbit. “I love you, sweet girl.” She whispered as   Joe joined her and knelt on the floor next to her tears pricking his eyes. 

“This is Aurora, our daughter.”  He reached out a shaky hand and smoothed over the sleep-mussed hair and down. 

“She is,” He started pausing to clear his voice. “Perfect. She is perfect.”  She finished for him as her hand came to a rest on his forearm.  

“Yeah.” He agreed before leaning forward and pressing a kiss to the side of Aurora’s head.  Olivia followed suit before rising to her feet and holding her hand out to him.  He took another glance at the little girl before taking Olivia’s proffered hand and standing up. 

She was still quiet as she led him down to the next room at the foot of another staircase that led to another floor. “This is my room.” Her normal volume was returning, “Sometimes Lew can be a little much and I need a break.”   She had released his hand and was taking steps into the room, her now free hands first undoing the zipper on her skirt and then reaching up and undoing the diamond earrings she had been wearing. 

“Fuck it.” He muttered to himself as he shut the door. As quick as he shut the door he was across the room and pulling Olivia into him by her waist, his mouth finding hers in a desperate kiss. Much like the one they had shared outside of the venue. 

The earring that had been in her hand dropped to the carpet as she reached her hands up and tangled them into his hair to pull his mouth closer to hers. 

His hands pushed the skirt down before they grasped her ass to lift her and carry her towards the bed, normally he would have been okay with fucking her against any surface in the room but it only felt right that for their first time in 5 years, it was in a bed. She pulled away from his mouth briefly to pull her top down leaving her with a black  lace strapless bra, her nipples were already hardening against the material. 

“God damn,” He muttered as she pressed another kiss to his mouth, he had dreamt about her tits and ass for years, even when he was fucking Scarlett, it was Olivia that he saw. His knees bumped against the end of the bed and he dropped her onto it. She yelped in surprise before she pushed herself up on her elbows, her eyes that were heavy with arousal never left his form as he pulled his shirt off, followed by his slacks. 

He smirked when her tongue darted out and licked her dry lips when her eyes landed on his crotch. The tip of his cock was starting to peek out of the top of his briefs and he almost thought about teasing her but the need to be inside of her was starting to be too much.

“Joe.” She whined softly pressing her thighs together trying to hide her arousal from him.  

“What is it princess?” He asked as he pushed his briefs down and off.  

“Don’t tease.” He clicked his tongue and moved to kneel on the bed, his hands forcing her knees open so he could settle between them.

 “Missed me, baby?” His fingers quickly made a path down her thigh to the wet spot on her thong. She whined in answer. 

“Use your words, baby.” He ordered dragging two fingers over the wet spot and biting back a groan.  “Joe, please.”  He clicked his tongue again and pressed his fingers against her, this time groaning in pleasure. 

She was wetter than he remembered. 

“Daddy please.” He smirked and pushed the lacy material of the thong aside, he leaned over her and captured her mouth with his before gripping his cock in his hand and rubbing it against her pussy. “Look at me.” He demanded pressing his forehead against hers. Her eyes flew open and met his and he smirked, keeping eye contact he pushed his cock into her welcoming pussy. 

“Fuck Livvy, you feel better than I remember.” 

His statement came out in almost a moan and Olivia dropped her hand down to the one that was gripping her hip, the fingertips ghosted over his flesh to his fingers and interlocked them together. In an effort to keep herself quiet, she strained her neck up and fused their mouths together. Not breaking the kiss, Joe started moving his hips slowly, pulling and pushing back into her.

 “God damn I missed you.” He panted against her mouth, his own voice quiet. It was almost like being back in college in the shared dorm room with Talbert asleep in the bunk above him, he knew that he wasn’t going to last long the first time around and he was okay with that, he just wanted her.

 “Missed you too.” She mumbled breathlessly, “fuck Joe, missed you and your big cock.” He reached his thumb down between their bodies and pressed it against her clit causing a sharp cry to escape her, he paused briefly to make sure Dick or Lewis didn’t come rushing into the room or that she didn’t wake up Aurora. 

“Shh baby, we don’t want the husbands to come in and see me fucking their nasty slutty wife.” She whined again and sank her teeth into his shoulder, to keep her moans to quiet. Her walls had contracted around him tightly and he groaned, “5 years later and you are still my naughty little slut hmm? I bet you only act like this for me.” Her muted whimper was enough answer for him. “Only yours. Only yours Joe.”  He pushed himself deeper into her as she came around him, “Fucking love you,” He started cumming in her as she started come down from her orgasm, “ never leaving you again.”

“Promise?” 

[sluttyten]

Fresh Air

Poly Series Chapter Index

summary: the first few months of life with your boyfriends and your newborn daughter bring numerous hardships that none of you were truly prepared for

length: 27.8k

tags/warnings: handjobs, dry humping, fingering, breastfeeding kink, slight daddy kink, cum sharing, smut, polyamory, multiple partners, the usual tags, angst?, some sadness

Having a baby is no easy thing. You knew that. You also knew that being in such a large polyamorous relationship wasn’t an easy thing. Already you’d lost two boyfriends; Lucas was long gone, happy in his own little world with Chaerin, and Ten was gone too, slowly slipping away.

It took the others a few days to realize that Ten was gone from the relationship. You didn’t have the same emotional breakdown as you did when Lucas ended things, so it wasn’t until you went around kissing each of them goodnight halfway through movie night, skipping over Ten, that Taeyong sat up curiously. 

“Excuse me!” He calls as you start to climb the stairs. “What just happened?”

Ten is slouched down between Taeyong and Kun, and he scowls at Taeyong, twisting his hand in the back of his shirt and tugging him back into Ten’s side. Ten mumbles, “We broke up.” 

“What?” Taeyong looks sharply between you and Ten. “When?”

The other eyes in the room slide toward this conversation. 

Ten flicks his gaze toward you, then he switches on his mischievous flirty grin, snuggling up against Taeyong. “When I realized you’re the only one for me, hyung!” 

Taeyong shoves him away with a groan.

WinWin comes down the stairs then, looking sleepy, sporting a little spit-up stain on his shoulder. He looks past you to where Taeyong and Ten are wrestling with each other, nearly falling into Kun’s lap as he groans and tries to keep them away. WinWin’s hand slides over your shoulder, squeezing reassuringly as he asks, “Hey, what’s going on?” 

He just got off from Daddy-duty, which mostly meant giving Mei a bottle and then napping with her. Ever since learning that he was her biological father, he’d been trying to help you out even more—offering to change her, to give her baths, to feed her (even though she was mostly breastfeeding, you were supplementing a little with bottles and formula).

“Me and Ten broke up,” you tell him, plucking at the front of his shirt. “You might want to wash this. Mei spit up on you.”

“Hold on. Are we just skipping over that? What do you mean you and Ten broke up?” WinWin frowns, his lips drooping into a pout.

You look back at everyone else, and a few of them are craning their necks to be able to see you. So you sigh, and you explain the breakup. Ten nods along with you, occasionally adding his own little input.

“I told you all that first day when we learned I was pregnant, if any of you want to leave or feel like you can’t deal with helping raise a baby, I understand. None of you signed up for a baby when we started this relationship.” You glance around the room, your gaze touching Lucas who has his head ducked as he picks at some loose skin around his nail. “Only WinWin’s definitely stuck with me now.”

There’s grumbles and eye-rolling around the room. WinWin touches the small of your back, just a tender touch to reassure you that he’s here, not going anywhere.

“Like I said, I understand when any of you want to leave. I don’t want any of you to be unhappy here.” You turn away and start up toward your bedroom. “Goodnight!”

But the others can’t let it go. It was one thing when just Lucas had left the relationship, but now Ten too? That second loss felt like the start of instability in the relationship, a crack in the formerly solid foundation. You tried hard not to think of it that way, but that was hard especially when a few days later you’re in bed with Kun.

Mei is asleep on the bed between you both.

It was just you and her for a long while, you were reading a novel to pass the time, and because you knew it was important for her to hear speech and intonation (even though at only almost two weeks old, speech was still a while away for her) you were reading aloud to her.

Kun had come inside, and when you paused in your reading he’d smiled and shaken his head. “Keep going. You have a lovely voice.”

So you’d read until Mei was asleep again, until your throat was dry. Kun was alternating between looking at you, looking at Mei, or looking at the backs of his eyelids. But when you sit aside the book and turn onto your side facing him and your daughter, Kun’s eyes open so he can see you.

“How are you?” He asks softly, reaching out to brush a finger at the thin skin under your eyes. “How are you holding up?”

You clasp his hand, pulling it down to your lips so you can kiss his palm. “You mean in general, or like postpartum? Or the breakup with Ten?”

Kun swallows, his eyes searching yours. “All of the above, I guess.” He looks down to your lips as you kiss his hand again. “I mean, you haven’t left the house since you came home from the hospital. That’s got to be taking a toll. And I’ve done some reading online, I know about postpartum depression and stuff. Then on top of the chances of that, there could be a hit of regular depression because of the breakup. I’m just worried, concerned.”

“I’m fine, Kun. Really.”

And you believe that you are. You feel good. Even with the breakup. Ten’s still here; he’s just more like your best friend now than anything else when he comes into your room to make sure you’re getting something to eat, to coo at Mei, or to kidnap Miso from where he’s curled up beneath Mei’s crib.

“Can I ask you something else?” Kun turns onto his back and stares up at the ceiling. “If I still hook up with Ten, are you going to be mad? Does it count as cheating on you?”

You laugh. “No. It’s fine. You, Taeyong, Johnny, any of you can keep doing whatever you’ve been doing with Ten. I encourage it. I’m pretty sure one of you is actually the reason he broke up with me, unless you know of someone else that he’s had his eye on?”

Kun shakes his head. “No, just us.”

“I don’t mind sharing with Ten. I still love him. I want him to be happy.” You stroke a gentle finger down Mei’s arm. “I want you to be happy, so if you want to choose Ten, then I wouldn’t blame you for br—“

Kun moves so quickly to shut down what you’re saying that he jostles the bed and that wakes Mei.

“Shit.” Kun immediately starts trying to comfort her, cradling her gently in his arms, speaking to her in soft, soothing tones. And as Mei starts to settle, he looks sharply back up at you. “Don’t say something like that, about me breaking up with you.” His face twists with annoyance. “I’m not going anywhere. I love you.”

“That’s what you all say. Lucas loved me. Ten loved me. They both left.”

“I do fucking love you.” Kun tells you, his voice assertive and hushed as he looks down at Mei again. “If I had Mark’s balls I’d have proposed to you by now too. I’m sure half of us would have as well. I’m not planning on going anywhere anytime soon, my love. So stop trying to get rid of me.”

You’re not trying to get rid of any of them, but over the next few weeks it becomes clear that all of this—maintaining this relationship—is going to be a lot harder while you’re recovering from birth and while you’re trying to focus on Mei, feeding her and sleeping when you can.

Even with your boyfriends trying to help, it’s not easy.

Jaehyun, WinWin, Kun. They’re always up to help you with anything and everything. Doyoung and Yuta are a little squeamish still of diapers. Taeil, Johnny, Taeyong, Jungwoo, Xiaojun, Mark, and Hendery try, but some of them still seem scared to touch her, to spend time alone with a newborn who is so utterly fragile. And for some of them it seems that they’re just desperately ready for you to be recovered, ready to have sex again.

“It takes some time,” you explain to Johnny one evening when he approaches you. “I’m sorry, I know you’re horny.”

You’re not ready to have sex again, so the most you can offer any of them are handjobs, maybe a blowjob. 

You’re standing in the kitchen, just cleaning up a few dishes. Taeyong and Doyoung are upstairs watching Mei, so it doesn’t seem like such a bad idea when you offer to Johnny, “Do you want me to give you a hand?”

So moments later, you’re sitting on the edge of the counter, Johnny between your knees. You’re kissing him with one hand in his hair, the other down the front of his pants, softly kissing away his moans, giving him a few of your own to edge him closer. 

“Shit, I want to be inside you,” Johnny groans, fucking forward into your grip. 

“Just a few more weeks.” You kiss the corner of his mouth, then sit back. You twist your fingers tight in his hair, tugging lightly. Johnny’s eyes fall shut, a moan slipping free of his lips. “Then we can--”

Distantly, you hear the sound of Mei crying; her howling cries that she seems too tiny to be able to make. Your head jerks toward the doorway of the kitchen. You can see the stairs from here.

Johnny sighs, and his forehead touches against the side of yours. 

“I’m close. Please, babe.” He bucks forward through the ring of your fingers, grinding closer, trying to get himself over the edge. “Just finish me off, then go.”

She howls again, and you wonder what Doyoung and Taeyong are doing up there. Johnny pants desperately, so you turn your attention back to him, dragging his mouth back into a kiss, tugging on his hair, jerking him off just the way you know gets him off quickest.

He cums with a grunt, coating your hand in his load, and as soon as he’s finished, you pull your hand out of his pants, rinse it off in the sink, and then you hurry from the room, up the stairs after the sound of your daughter’s cries.

By the time you reach the room, you can see she’s red-faced, crying while Doyoung tries changing her diaper, and Taeyong’s desperately trying to calm her. 

“Did you pinch her or something?” You ask, wiping your hands on your pants, wrapping them briefly in your shirt to make sure they’re dry. Taeyong looks up at you with panic in his eyes. 

“She just woke up and started screaming,” he says. “Is she hungry? She’s not really all that messy.” Taeyong gestures at her diaper. 

Doyoung’s doing just fine, wiping her clean, changing her while holding his breath. Once he’s got the diaper safely fastened, he wipes his hands clean with a wet wipe, then lifts her up in his arms to rock her. He looks up at you then. “We were doing just fine before that.”

Slowly her cries quiet down, the bright color of frustration draining from her face until she’s back to normal, her little fists gathered around Doyoung’s pinkie finger and his thumb. Her dark eyes are still open wide, gazing up at his face. 

You sit down on your bed, and Taeyong sits with you.

“I feel kinda bad,” you tell him. “I left Johnny down there, but her crying had me worried. I hate that I can’t give you guys the time and attention you deserve.”

Taeyong smiles softly, stroking the back of your head. “She needs you more than we do. And I’m sure Ten would be more than happier to help out. Kun said that you told him it’s okay. Right?” You nod. Taeyong nods too, then lets out a breath before saying, “That’s a relief, honestly. Because I didn’t want to feel guilty about still sleeping with him.”

“It’s fine, Taeyong. What you have with him predates what you have with me anyway.” You squeeze his thigh reassuring. You truly don’t mind sharing any of them with Ten. “I don’t want to be the one to mess with that.”

Taeyong grins and kisses your cheek. “Thanks. Well, now you’re back, and you and Doyoung probably have this handled, I’m heading to the studio.” He stands and stretches his arms over his head, the hem of his shirt lifting up just enough that you can see the red mark of a hickey on his hipbone. “I’m almost finished up with all this recording,” Taeyong says excitedly.

And when he’s gone from the room, you flop back into your bed, staring up at your ceiling. 

Doyoung comes over to the side of the bed a moment later, and when you turn your attention to him, he’s holding Mei to his chest, but he’s only looking at you. He asks, “Can I join you?”

You nod.

The mattress shakes as Doyoung does his best to settle down carefully into the bed beside you. Mei goes comfortably onto her tummy on Doyoung’s chest, her little fist up at her mouth, thumb between her lips. You scoot closer, your face close in front of hers, and you sigh.

Doyoung rests a hand on her back.

“You okay?” He asks. “Feeling good still?”

Just a few days before, an ever-concerned Doyoung had approached you and begun asking you what felt like very pointed questions that you eventually determined was him trying to make sure that you weren’t suffering from postpartum depression. You’d convinced him you were fine and feeling good about everything, which was absolutely the truth. Still is the truth. But while staring here at your daughter’s face you just feel like you never want to leave her side.

Originally, you’d planned to go back to working after about six weeks.

“I’m not so sure I want to go back to work,” you tell Doyoung.

Mei blinks, sucking at her thumb. She’s looking at you, and you wonder if she can really see you right now, if she can distinguish your face, tell you apart from Doyoung or WinWin or Miso.

“So don’t go back.” Doyoung’s words are simple, direct. “If you just want to stay home and take care of Mei, then that’s perfectly fine. She’s the most important job you can have, anyway. We’re here to make sure you and this little princess have a stable future.”

You nod. “Maybe when she’s older I’ll go back to work, but I think while she’s young, before she can go to school, I want to spend time with her, teach her.”

Doyoung smiles. “You’ll make her brave and smart. She’ll go to school and they won’t know what hit them. A tiny little sweet faced girl with a big personality, a big heart, and a brain to match. She’ll be the perfect combination of all her daddies.”

You laugh. You can see it now: a little girl with WinWin’s face in her little uniform and braided pigtails, walking into her first classroom with confidence, jabbering away and making friends, impressing teachers. You want to build Mei into a strong, confident, brave girl who’s intelligent and knows her own worth, who won’t let anyone put her down or make her feel small.

You can’t wait to meet her.

When Mei is one month old, WinWin accompanies you to the checkup appointment with the pediatrician. The appointment goes well, and WinWin makes it clear that he’s eager to be Mei’s dad, asking the doctor all kinds of questions about things that you didn’t even consider. He asks the doctor if she thinks it will confuse Mei if she hears multiple languages on a regular basis.

“Oh, no. Quite the opposite. Children raised in multilingual homes often benefit greatly. They can have improved concentration skills, are better at providing solutions, and generally perform better academically.” She smiles encouragingly. “But, out of curiosity, how many languages are we talking? Two? Three?”

You and WinWin look at each other.  

“Probably three,” you tell her. “Potentially four or five.”

Korean and Chinese and English you figure will primarily be spoken around her, but Japanese and Thai are also possibilities. You don’t even mention that Cantonese might occasionally be spoken around her as well. 

“Oh, well that is impressive.” She scribbles something on her clipboard. “I think little Mei will certainly benefit from that.”

When you’re leaving the doctor’s office, WinWin carries Mei’s little carrier. She’s awake and looking up at him, and he keeps speaking to her in Chinese using a cutesy tone. Though as soon as you’re outside, he looks up at you. “Are you hungry? I was thinking we could go grab something to eat?”

There’s a place right around the corner that WinWin knows, so that’s where you go. It’s been a while since you’ve been out on anything that seems like a date. The last time you really went out somewhere and did things with people was your baby shower, and that was three months ago. Your last date was before that, when Lucas took you out to dinner just days before he broke up with you, which is somewhat upsetting when you think about it. And you’ve gone to a few parks over the last few weeks, taking Mei out for some fresh air and sunlight with your various boyfriends, but none of those really counted as dates, so you’re excited when you get to sit down at a table with WinWin and Mei.

Even by the time you do get home afterwards, you’re still buzzing with happiness from how wonderfully the appointment had gone plus the lunch date afterwards, and how Mei didn’t start getting fussy until right as you were arriving home.

You’re just in a very good mood. While you nurse Mei, Xiaojun sits with you and tells you a dramatic retelling of his day with Hendery and YangYang. Renjun wanders into your room a bit later to hangout and hold Mei. The whole afternoon is just guys coming in and out of your room, and you’re feeling great and happy, and you’re feeling good enough that when Jungwoo and Johnny come in to interrupt you doing yoga (in an attempt to get your body as closely to how it was before the pregnancy), you don’t mind. You let them sit and watch. Johnny even helps you with a few poses, and Jungwoo lies down on the floor with you, but he puts Mei on his chest to give her a little bit of tummy time.

You’re in the midst of laughing with Jungwoo and Johnny when Doyoung steps into your doorway, knocks on the doorframe, and says, “We have a little problem.”

That happy little bubble you’ve been living in all day pops.

Doyoung summons a group meeting, so you and Jungwoo and everyone else who’s home descend to the living room. You bring Mei with you, apologizing to Renjun that you don’t want to leave her alone with him (not his fault, it’s just you being nervous being away from her). Not everyone is home, so Doyoung calls Taeyong, Kun, and Jaehyun who are all working and puts them on speaker so they can listen in.

You sit nervously in the big armchair. Ten squeezes in with you, and he convinces you to pass Mei over into Uncle Ten’s loving arms.

“What’s wrong, Doyoung?” You ask first once everyone’s gathered.

He sighs and holds up his phone, which has Twitter open on it. There’s a long thread of tweets, images and text, and you’re not sure what that’s all about, not until he says, “It’s amazing that it took fans this long to catch on.”

“What do you mean by that?” Jaehyun’s voice is staticky over the phonecall. “Caught on to what?”

“To us.” Doyoung explains. “Apparently, our girlfriend and WinWin and Mei were spotted out together today by a fan, and now the pictures are everywhere.”

WinWin swears under his breath. 

“But it’s not just that. It was at first.” Doyoung scrolls up to the top of the Twitter thread on his phone. “Some fans realized that they’ve seen her before, so there’s this thread and a whole bunch of others just full of photos of us and you, sweetheart. Going back ages. I’ve been reading comments, and people were saying that for a long time they just thought you were one of our managers or a staff member or something, but then others had their photos, had stories of times they’ve spotted us out with you. There was some fan who said she saw you out with Hendery and Jungwoo. 

“So now they’re pretty sure that you’re dating one of us, or secretly married to one of us, but they don’t know who. Until today, seeing you and Mei with WinWin, they think they’ve solved it all.” Doyoung rubs his hand over his face, clearly exasperated. “But others think differently, because you’ve been spotted out carrying Mei on your walks through the park with me, with Taeil, with Mark and Taeyong. Some fans are just generally pissed off about all of this.”

Everyone’s been staring at Doyoung or else looking down at their phones as they also search social media for all of these swirling rumors and gossip.

Taeil’s the first to sit forward, and he looks over at you. “I don’t think you should leave the house for a few days until this dies down. For your safety.”

You know he’s talking about their sasaengs. Somehow they’ve been lucky enough that sasaengs haven’t camped out in front of this house like you know they did at their apartments when you first met them. You’re sure that many of those photos in that thread Doyoung’s talking about were taken by sasaengs.

“What are we going to do?” Kun asks, his voice sounding echoey and very distant over the phone. 

“What can we do?” Yuta responds. “I say we just let it all die down, don’t acknowledge the rumors at all.”

Doyoung sighs heavily. “I don’t think we can really do that, hyung. I’m sure the company is going to want to talk to all of us about it. And we can’t just ignore it and pretend that we don’t know what they’re talking about because there is all of this photo evidence, many stories, there are videos, and apparently when Xiaojun did an Insta live last week, you could hear Mei crying in the background.”

“Just say it was Haechan,” Mark suggests. “Say he was acting like a baby.”

“Or we could just tell the truth,” Jaehyun says over the phone. 

Yuta rolls his eyes. “Yeah, but what part of the truth? That Mei is WinWin’s baby, or that literally the fourteen of us all had the same girlfriend and that for nine months didn’t know which of us was fathering her child? That part of the truth? I feel like our NCTzens would possibly explode. Imagine the chaos. We’d probably be forced to disband.”

“Obviously not that whole truth, dumbass.” Jaehyun retorts. 

Yuta starts to bicker back at him, but Taeyong’s voice speaks up loudly over the phone, cutting them both off. “We’re not our own PR team. This isn’t something that we have to address right now, so maybe we should at least wait until we’re all home and can talk about it together, right?”

Right.

But you decide to go on to bed. It’s late enough that you can go without drawing suspicion, and as you’ve got Mei comfy in her bed, you curl up in your bed and open Twitter on your phone.

Maybe it’s a bad idea to search up what fans are saying, but you can’t help it. Especially now when you see half of your boyfriends’ names trending along with NCT and some other things that you’re sure are related to this drama going on. It is somewhat disturbing to see this evidence that the fans are gathering against you, to see the nasty things that they’re saying--threats against you and you even see a few against your daughter that have you muffling your tears against your pillow--and you’re still looking at all of this in horror when the door of your room opens. 

A shadowy figure slips from the lit hallway outside into the dark of your bedroom. You hear the familiar footfalls, and when he falls into bed, it’s a comfortable and intimately familiar weight and heat as he rolls against your side.

“Are you okay?” Mark asks.

His feet bump against yours, and as his head edges onto your pillow, he sees what you’re looking at and sees the blue light of your screen reflecting off the wetness on your cheeks.

“No, that’s what we’re not going to do, okay?” Mark sits up and plucks your phone from your hand, rolls over to the far side of your bed, and sits your phone on the bedside table before he comes back. His thumbs are gentle when he wipes at your cheeks. His voice only sounds a little frustrated, more concerned than anything else as he questions, “Why were you looking at all that?” 

“I wanted to know what they’ve seen, what they had to say.” You sniffle and press your face into the pillow. “Your fans can be terrible.”

Mark sinks down beside you once more, and he places a soothing hand on your back, rubbing up and down your spine. “Listen, you and Mei are safe. If you think that we’d ever let them do anything to hurt either of you....” Mark’s cheek rests against your shoulder. “We’ll fix this. I know we will.”

You sigh shakily, and turn, wrapping yourself around Mark, squeezing him in a hug as you hide your face against his neck. He hugs you back just as tightly. 

It’s hours later, Mark has fallen asleep beside you, and his arm is still tucked under your head, his fingers on that hand are tangled in your hair as he’d fallen asleep gently massaging your scalp in an attempt to get you to fall asleep (which was unsuccessful). There’s a soft glow from the nightlight in the corner of the room, and by its light you’ve been watching Mark’s face, counting his eyelashes and his freckles and then counting his breaths, but you can’t calm your mind enough to slow down and fall asleep.

So you hear Mei waking up, hear her starting to cry. You know you need to get up, leave the nice comforting warmth of the bed, to go feed her, but all you want to do is just stay right there.

You squeeze your eyes shut even as her cries begin to build.

Mark’s sleeping like a rock, so he doesn’t stir. You press closer, press your face to his chest.

The bedroom door opens, and a sleepy Taeil with messy hair comes inside. You can just barely see him through your eyelashes; can see him looking at you and Mark, then his gaze sweeps across the room to the crib in the corner and Mei’s little pink face scrunched up as she cries.

He crosses quietly to the crib, shuffling barefooted, his sweatpants dragging along the floor like socks.

You can’t see him from this angle but you can hear as he shushes Mei, cooing and making soft noises to soothe her. You can hear the rustling as he picks her up, the creak of wood as he settles down in the rocking chair. She keeps crying though, no matter how desperately Taeil tries to soothe her, and after a few minutes of that, you sit up in bed and look over at him.

He’s rocking in the chair, trying to get her to take the pacifier, but she keeps spitting it back out when it’s not giving her what she really wants.

You sigh and push out of bed. Taeil looks up at you.

“Unless you’ve got tits, Taeil, I don’t think she’s gonna calm down for you.” You stand beside him, push your fingers into his hair.

“I thought you were asleep,” he whispers back to you. He doesn’t look away from Mei, just keeps looking down at her puckered face.

Your fingers slide down from his hair to the back of his neck, resting gently there. “I can’t sleep. I just keep thinking about what your fans are saying.” 

Taeil looks up at you then, a frown drawing his eyebrows tightly together. “You don’t need to look at what they’re saying. Our managers have already said that we’re going to have a big PR meeting probably tomorrow so our company can put out a statement. But you don’t need to worry about anything. You’re safe here.”

Mei lets out another piercingly loud cry from such a small baby, and you reach for her. Taeil hands her up to you easily, then he stands, gesturing for you to sit in the chair. You don’t even think about it as you move your top to bare your breast for Mei to latch onto, but Taeil makes a short noise, and when you look up at him, he’s looking away, rubbing at the back of his head like he’s embarrassed.

You try to hide your smile. “You’re all so funny about this, you know. Half of you get embarrassed to look at my boobs now. You’ve seen them before, Taeil.”

“I know that.” He mumbles, and you swear if there were a bit more light in the room, you’d be able to see that he was blushing. “I just have really been missing you lately, you know? It’s been a while.” 

Taeil tries his best to keep his eyes on your face when he turns to you then, but you watch as his gaze inevitably falls to your breast. But there his gaze seems to soften at the sight of Mei’s dark little head nestled there.

Taeil sinks to his knees. “It’s all different now, you know? She’s here now, and she’s so tiny and perfect. Everything’s just.... centered differently.”

You know exactly what he means. Before Mei there were so many things--things to do, places to go, people to go see and talk to, and meaningless things to fill your time with, boyfriends to go fuck around with--and now there’s Mei and she’s just got you so wrapped up with her, none of those things feel like they matter. It’s just you and her, like your whole little world. 

“I don’t think it really matters that WinWin’s her real dad.” Taeil reaches one finger up and strokes the back of Mei’s tiny hand. “Isn’t there a saying that it takes a village to raise a child? Well, here we are. Your whole village to help raise Mei. Our Mingmei. I know that it’s not going to be easy to be here sometimes, and that there’s no way of telling what the future holds for all of us, but I want to be here. I love you. I adore Mei.” Taeil’s expression is so soft as he says that; his eyes are moist looking at you and your daughter then, and after another moment he sinks back to sit on the floor, and he turns his face away, hiding as he tries to hastily wipe away his tears.

“I don’t want you to go anywhere either, Taeil. I’ve said it before, but if Mei could have all of you as her father, that’s what I would wish.” You smile down at her. “Imagine having a dozen fathers to show up and be there any time she needs support, protection, encouragement.”

Taeil sits up then, resting a hand on your knee reassuringly. “We will be here to protect her. Especially right now.” He shakes his head, his brows set in determination. “After you came up here, Doyoung was showing us some more of what they were saying, and I swear to you, we will not let any of them near you. Ever. But there were some great things people were saying.”

You’d seen a few of those during your deep dive. Fans saying that you seemed lovely--both visually in the pictures, and then also the few fans that had stories about seeing you out with the boys had said that you had sounded sweet--and fans defending you, defending the boys, reporting accounts threatening violence toward you or Mei. There were fans gushing over the boys as fathers, fans going wild thinking about aesthetic baby pics that some of them might post on their Instagrams. 

There were definitely some wonderful things you’d seen, but it was hard to focus on those when there was so much negativity inspiring fear and anxiety and terrible things in you. 

By the time Mei finishes nursing, even you are finally starting to feel tired. Taeil takes her from you as you attempt to pull your shirt back into place, and he paces around the room, singing quietly, patting her back to burp her. You just sit there in the rocking chair, rocking back and forth, your eyes feeling heavier and heavier as you watch Taeil and listen to him.

You don’t even realize that you’ve dipped off, not until there’s fingers on your shoulder and on your cheek, a quiet voice calling your name. 

“Hmm?” You open your eyes.

Taeil, smiling sleepily too. “You should get in bed, my love. Mei’s fine,” he explains when you sit up suddenly and look around. “She fell asleep, so I put her back down. Come on, into bed.” He helps you cross the few feet to the bed, his hand in yours, and once you’ve slid back in between the covers, your head once more on the pillow, Taeil smooths hand over your hair, and leans in to whisper, “Goodnight,” and he places a loving kiss on your forehead. 

You’re asleep before you can remember to mumble a sweet “goodnight” back to him.

Maybe it was a mistake telling your boyfriends that the doctor had approved and even encouraged the use of multiple languages with Mei. Because after you tell them that, then you rarely hear the Chinese members speak in anything other than Chinese to her. Yuta almost exclusively reads and sings and speaks to her in Japanese. Johnny, Mark, and even sometimes Jaehyun and Ten speak English to Mei. You even catch Xiaojun singing in Cantonese to her.

Mei looks up at him, waving her arms and legs, cooing happily as he leans on the side of her crib to sing to her.

“What are you doing?” You ask, sliding up beside him, one arm curling around his waist, your cheek resting on his shoulder. “She’s going to be so confused when she’s older if you speak to her in Mandarin and Cantonese, Jun.” You brush your lips in a light kiss to his exposed shoulder.

“She’s going to be smart,” Xiaojun responds quickly. “Going to speak five languages by the time she’s five, and put all of us to shame with her brain.” You feel him kiss you on the top of your head. “Were you still on for coming with WinWin, Ten, and I later?”

It’s been a few weeks since the rumors first struck. Their PR team put out a statement, claiming that you were just a staff member and close friend of the group who happened to have a baby. A lot of fans had backed off, but you were still a little wary about leaving the house unless it was necessary. You’d only left for appointments, and then to go meet up with your parents once for them to fawn over their granddaughter.

“I don’t know, Xiaojun. Your fans are still watching us.” You step away from him.

Lately there’s been a heightened presence of sasaengs around the boys. You’d even noticed one following you on your way to the last appointment you’d had with your doctor—one where you’d been cleared to return to work (if you wanted that) and to resume sexual activities (though she did advise that you take it easy, so no rough sex, no orgies)—and you’d been lucky to find that an old friend of yours was acting as a courier, and he was in the doctor’s office dropping something off right as you were leaving. He’d walked out with you, and though he was working, he did walk with you and make sure that the sasaeng stopped following.

Xiaojun turns away from the crib to follow you, his fingers catching on your sleeve, sliding down over your hand. “Hey, babe. Look, I know that lately we’ve been under more surveillance than normal. I’ve seen what they’re saying online, people still doubting the story that our team put out, but that doesn’t mean that you need to withdraw from us.” Xiaojun strokes the back of your hand until you turn it over and he laces his fingers through yours. “Come out with us tonight. Let Kun or Jaehyun or one of them watch Mei, and come have fun.”

You glance uncertainly over at Mei’s crib. “I don’t know....”

You haven’t left Mei yet, not for any extended period of time, not for longer than a shower or a quick snack in the kitchen along with a handjob for Johnny. Leaving her for two or three hours, that just doesn’t sound like something you’re ready for yet.

“I’ll think about it.” You tell him.

Xiaojun lets out a happy sound, and then he cups your face between his hands, and pulls you into a quick kiss. “Please say yes. We’re just going to see a movie. And whoever watches her will have to deal with Jaehyun probably hovering protectively right at his shoulder the whole time. She’ll be fine.” He pecks you on the lips again, and this time you twist your fingers in the bottom of his top, lean in on your toes, and kiss him again.

Xiaojun makes a pleasant sound, his fingers slide into your hair, angling your mouth against his. You want to push this a little further, want to feel his bare skin against yours, feel the pleasure that you haven’t felt for weeks and weeks now.

He smiles into the kiss as you push your hands up under his top, moving up his chest. He almost giggles when you feel up his pecs. Xiaojun pulls back just a little, pecking you on the lips playfully amidst his giggles, before pressing back in fully.

You can do this, you tell yourself. Your doctor cleared you for sex again, and you know that Xiaojun will be gentle with you, that he’s a good choice to be your first time again. This will be fine.

When you drop your hands from his chest, slipping your fingertips beneath the waistband of his pants, Xiaojun slows down as if he’s a little confused by you initiating this. And when you touch his dick, he backs off and his eyebrows draw together in confusion. “Are you... Are you sure?”

“Mmmh.” You nod. “My doctor finally cleared me. I’m good as long as we take it a little slow.”

Xiaojun’s smile returns, and he cocks his head to the side a little and looks you up and down. “So I should treat you like a virgin, right? Take it easy and slow?”

You whine. “Don’t tease me, Xiaojun.”

“No, I won’t.” He kisses you sweetly. “But are you sure? You want to do this now? Here?”

Mei’s just right over in the corner, unknowingly looking up at the mobile spinning over her head, unaware of what’s going on here. It does feel a little bit weird, but she won’t know. She won’t have a clue what’s going on.

“I’m sure.” You nod. “Well, I’m sure that I at least want to see how far we can go. I just,” you sigh, “feel like we’ll be interrupted by one thing or another. A baby, a boyfriend, discomfort. Something. But yes.”

 “We’ll figure it out.” Xiaojun bounces a little eagerly and excitedly on his toes. “God, I really want you.”

You kind of love that Xiaojun doesn’t rush you at all even after he says that. He doesn’t push you to hurry into anything, is content with just lying in your bed and making out, letting your hands wander over his bare arms, delving into his hair, slipping through the large cutouts at his sides to scrape your nails lightly over his back or his abs or his chest. He doesn’t try to get you to touch him lower down his body even when you can feel how hard he is against your thigh. Xiaojun lets you take it all at your own pace, lets you pull his hands under your shirt.

You’re feeling more confident with your body now than you were even just a few weeks ago. You’ve looked at mommy forums online, and they say that it’s not uncommon to feel negatively about your body for quite a while after birth, but you’re happier now.

So when Xiaojun touches your belly, as he lifts your shirt up over your chest, you don’t feel embarrassed at all. You feel the heat of lust burning in your belly, your skin flushed with heat even as cool air touches your chest.

“Fuck, so pretty. I’ve missed you like this,” Xiaojun groans, breaking away from your lips to kiss your neck, then skipping down to your chest, the mound of your tits in your bra. His thigh slips between your knees, his lips dance over your chest, and you can’t help the breathy little sounds that spill from your lips.

You clap a hand over your mouth.

“Don’t be shy,” Xiaojun chuckles. “You make such pretty noises, babe. Let me hear them.”

You obediently drop your hand, sliding your fingers into his hair instead as Xiaojun keeps kissing your chest, and his hand finally slips down into your panties.

“Ah!” The little gasped sound escapes your lips when Xiaojun’s finger glides over your clit.

He grinds subtly against your thigh, and moans softly, lifting his head from your chest and kisses you again.

It’s been so long since you were touched like this, that it’s literally seconds before Xiaojun is smirking at just how wet you’ve grown. He sticks with touching your clit, kissing away all the sweet sounds you’re making, until you start moving with him, rocking your hips up and looking for more than just the touches to your clit.

Xiaojun moves down to kiss at your neck, and as he does that, he slips a finger inside you.

You moan loudly, your hand flying down to grip at Xiaojun’s forearm, not to stop him but just to hold on to him as he fingers you. It doesn’t hurt or anything, it’s a bit uncomfortable after everything your vagina went through just a little over a month and a half ago. But it still feels so good.

Your fingernails dig into his skin just as his teeth nip at your throat, his cock rubs against your thigh, and Xiaojun makes a muffled sound against your neck. You let go of his wrist, snaking your hand inside his pants to touch his cock, to help him feel good too.

“Wait,” he mumbles, “I feel like this should be about you.”

“Very chivalrous of you, but I kinda want you to enjoy this too.” You try to keep going, but Xiaojun stops, sits up, and pulls his hand entirely out of your pants, then grabs your wrist and removes your hand from his pants as well. You pout up at him.

He looks away from you, up at the ceiling. “Please don’t give me that look.”

“Then come touch me some more.” You reach for his waistband.

Xiaojun bats your hand away, and moves down the bed. “I’m going to, but, babe, I want the focus to be on you. I don’t care about me right now because I guarantee I had an orgasm more recently than you. So, please, just let me make you feel good first.”

You really can’t argue with that.

“Okay. Fine, do with me what you will.” You spread out your arms and legs, dramatically going limp.

Xiaojun rolls his eyes affectionately. “Can I take your pants off?”

You lift up your hips to help him slide your pants off, then he kneels up over you, pulling the shirt up over your head.

He sinks back down to sit on his heels and drinks in the sight of you before him.

You wonder if he’s thinking of the last time he had you like this, because you know that you are. It’s been months and months since the last time that you and Xiaojun were alone together like this, taking the time to appreciate and take each other apart. It was shortly after you learned you were pregnant, you’d spent the whole morning in bed together, getting each other off; you’d spent at least half an hour kissing his entire body, sucking his cock, praising his body.

“Fuck, I love you,” he sighs, and falls over you again, his body covering yours as he captures you in a kiss once more. Xiaojun slips a hand under your back, and you feel his fingers fumble for a second or two with the clasp on the back of your bra before it releases. You sigh in comfortable relief, and reach up to pull the straps down your arms, freeing yourself of the bra entirely.

You hold your breath as Xiaojun starts to kiss down your body—trailing burning kisses down your throat, between your breasts, down your belly, and at last he reaches the edge of your panties.

His nose nudges against your clit through the material, and when Xiaojun places the gentlest of kisses right over your pussy, your breath catches in your throat before shaking its way free. He lifts his head so he can see your face as he finally removes the last piece of clothing on your body.

The last time you were this naked in front of one of your boyfriends was when you showered with Jaehyun before you found out WinWin was Mei’s father. Almost two months ago.

When you feel his breath on your bare, wet pussy, all you can do is close your eyes, bite your bottom lip, and pray that he’s about to eat you out. You want so badly to really, truly get your pussy eaten the way that hasn’t been done in a long time.

And right as Xiaojun grants your nonverbal wish, his tender lips kissing your clit, a new voice of doubt enters your mind.

What if you look different down there? Or smell or taste different?

You haven’t really taken much time to pay attention to if giving birth altered how your pussy looks. You have no idea if you’re going to taste different. You’re only kinda sure that you don’t smell different. And what if it doesn’t feel right when he eats you out anymore? You’ve read that sex might feel different after the baby, and you’ve always loved Xiaojun eating you out. Him and WinWin are two of your favorites when it comes to oral.

You just start doubting all of this, thinking and worrying, so even as Xiaojun’s doing his best down there, you’re not giving him any reactions. Not until he pulls back and looks up at your face to ask, “Does it not feel good?”

“I’m sorry.” You groan, rubbing a hand over your face. “I think I’m just... thinking too much.”

“Relax.” Xiaojun puts a hand on your thigh, massaging gently. “You don’t need to think about anything, don’t worry or stress.”

He’s probably right. You don’t need to worry about any of that stuff. He’s clearly not turned off by what he’s faced with down there right now, as he’s already diving back in to sweep his tongue against you. You just need to relax, to sink into the pleasure of what he’s doing, and forget everything else but just that.

Easier said than done, honestly, but you do try.

Xiaojun sets to work on fucking you open on his middle finger again, his tongue at your clit. Slowly, it does start to feel really good; you get out of your mind and just relax into the pleasure, your body taking over, moving with Xiaojun. A second finger joins the first, and soon he’s even got a third finger pumping inside you, his lips sucking at your clit.

You twist your head to the side and bite at your upper arm to keep your moans in check as your orgasm quickly rises. Your chest heaves, whines leaking out even though you try to keep quiet, and Xiaojun lifts his head.

“You look so sexy right now. Are you going to cum on my fingers, babe?” Xiaojun moans a little, sitting up on his knees so he can kiss at your belly, then a little higher up your chest. His lips brush against your breasts, and you shudder from the small burst of pleasure that gives you. His hips dip down, hard cock grinding against your leg, and his three fingers push in deep inside you, stretching you so your pussy really feels it in the best way.

“Fuck, Dejun. Deeper.” Your hands fly to his shoulders, fingertips digging in. “I want you to make me....”

He drops back down, face dipping once more between your legs. With his free hand he pushes at your thigh, trying to get you to spread your legs even farther apart. His tongue flicks over your clit, fingers pressing inside you. The knot in your belly grows tighter, the warm tingling of pleasure building higher and higher, and you feel so close, your body growing hotter, orgasm just within reach the air itself feeling like it’s sparkling around you.

Xiaojun sucks your clit between his lips, his fingers press in right against your G-spot, and just like that your orgasm unleashes.

Your toes curl, body arching up, hips rolling against his mouth, and the guttural sighs and moans that leave your mouth are barely muffled as you bite at your lip in an attempt to keep them in. Your chest rises and falls and feels damp, your whole body warm and shaky and you feel like you’re sweating, but it’s different.

Xiaojun licks you through the throes of ecstasy, only backing off and pulling his fingers out when your hips have eased back down against the bed and you’re whining, thighs twitching on either side of his ears.

And it’s then that you open your eyes from where they were squeezed shut.

Xiaojun’s face is the first thing you see, his wondrous gaze locked on your chest. “Is that your milk?” He asks. And for the first time you realize that your chest doesn’t just feel damp, doesn’t just feel sweaty from that mind-blowing orgasm, your breasts have leaked out breastmilk during that orgasm.

“Oh my god, I’m sorry.” You cover your face in embarrassment. “Oh my god, I just, god, didn’t know that would happen.”

Xiaojun just laughs. “It’s fine. It’s kinda hot, honestly.”

“Right, my boobs squirting is very attractive.” You can’t convince yourself to pull your hands away from your face. Not until you feel Xiaojun’s tongue on your skin. “You are not licking up my breast milk, are you?” You lift your head to look down at him.

Xiaojun freezes and makes eye contact with you. His tongue hasn’t yet reached where your breast milk has leaked down to. So he pulls his tongue back inside his mouth. “I wouldn’t be opposed to it. It’s just breastmilk, right? What’s the possible harm?”

It’s not like you’ve never heard of this before. You’d read in forums and stuff about mother’s tasting their own breastmilk, fathers tasting their wife or girlfriend’s breastmilk. You’d even read about someone letting their friends, brothers, and more try it. You think that one’s a bit strange, but you can’t deny that you had tasted a little bit of yours yourself one morning out of curiosity. And while you were pregnant Jungwoo had confessed his interest in it.

You just hadn’t expected Xiaojun to be into this.

“I mean, you can if you want to, I guess.” You drop your head back down onto the bed.

Xiaojun’s tongue touches your skin again, and it feels so nice. And then his mouth is on your tits, gentle lips and tongue lapping at the spilled breastmilk. Your pussy starts to throb again with arousal as Xiaojun’s tongue races right up to the edge of your nipple, and then he stops.

You groan and lift your head to look at him again, and just as your eyes meet, Xiaojun flicks his tongue over your nipple, lapping at the damp peak.

It’s certainly not a whimper that leaves your lips.

Xiaojun laughs, and then he does it all over again; his warm tongue tracing over your chest on the other side, though this time he takes his time with your breast, and upon reaching your nipple, he closes his lips briefly around the nipple to flick his tongue at the hardened bud. It’s weird feeling it like this, so different from before when they would lick and suck at your nipples during sex, but also a lot different too than when Mei does it.

You feel like you should not be deriving sexual pleasure from one of your boyfriends basically nursing from you—breastmilk flowing from your nipple into his mouth—but Xiaojun doesn’t stop. In fact, he also seems to be getting off from it. His hips roll against the bed, grinding down into the mattress. He moans, brings one hand up to the side of your breast, gently massaging as he continues with this.

“Fuck me,” you sigh, a plea and a sound of pleasure. And Xiaojun obeys, pulling away from you just long enough to push his pants down and kick them off the foot of the bed, and then he’s back, hips cradled between your thighs. You knot your fingers in the front of his shirt, “Now.”

Xiaojun is gentle and slow, tenderly stroking your thigh as he enters you. He leaves little kisses on your throat and your chest, and it’s only when he starts shallowly rocking into you that he lowers his mouth to your chest and once again starts laving his attention on your tits.

It’s not terrible, just a little uncomfortable. There’s a dull ache that’s not pleasant at all as he thrusts into you, and even though you can tell Xiaojun’s holding back, just trying to make you feel good. And you can feel it—the pleasure is right there through a thin veil of discomfort, and you know if you can just get past that then this will be great. Sweet love-making with Xiaojun would be perfect.

You slide your hands over his back, dipping your fingers beneath his shirt to scrape lightly over his shoulders, and Xiaojun moans. He loses a little bit of restraint, thrusting deeper and a little harder, and there you find the pleasure.

“More,” you moan.

Xiaojun nuzzles against your breast, his lips closed around your nipple as he moans, tasting you on his tongue, feeling you warm and wet around his cock. You’re not surprised that he might not last long. Not surprised when he moans again and draws his hips back, cock leaving you empty as he cums across your belly, still suckling at your tit.

You cradle a hand against the back of his head, your eyes flutter closed, and you think you could let this sweet pleasure overwhelm you again, take you into another orgasm, to peaceful bliss.

The door opens suddenly (why do they never seem to know how to knock when you’re in the middle of something?) and there, framed in the doorway, stand Jungwoo and WinWin.

Xiaojun lifts his head slowly, his lips releasing your tit as he turns his wide-eyed gaze to his members. There’s a small hint of breastmilk on his bottom lip.

There’s no possible way to deny what just happened.

For one thing, you’re lying fully nude beneath Xiaojun. His face was just buried against your chest. Both of you are fully flushed in the face. He looks dazed, horny, and (as you just noted) there’s breastmilk on his bottom lip.

WinWin and Jungwoo stare at both of you in silence for a long moment that finally breaks when WinWin shakes his head and marches inside, heading straight over to the crib.

Mei’s still happily oblivious to what’s been going on. WinWin scoops her up, cradling her in his arms, and as he turns to face you on the bed, he shields her little face from the sight of you and Xiaojun with his hand. His voice is somewhat amused, somewhat scandalized, as he asks, “In front of our daughter?”

Xiaojun rolls to the edge of the bed and sits upright, tries to cover up with the edge of the duvet cover, and then folds his hands in his lap. But when he notices that Jungwoo’s staring at him—most notably, staring at his mouth—he quickly wipes at his lips and chin, smearing away the last of the evidence of what he’d just been doing.

You sit up as well, dragging a blanket over your lap, folding your arms in front of your breasts. “In my defense, there’s absolutely no way that she knows what just happened.”

WinWin shakes his head, trying to look disapproving, but you can see the corner of his mouth turning up in a smile as he looks back down at Mei. “So does this mean that you’re cleared again?” He asks. “Doctor says you can have sex?”

You nod, looking around at him, at the back of Xiaojun’s head where he’s facing away from you, at Jungwoo still framed in the doorway and gazing in awe at you and Xiaojun. “Yeah, just nothing really intense or rough. So no orgies for a while. Her actual words.”

“Good to know.” WinWin wiggles his fingers in front of Mei’s face, and she knocks around one of her little fists, as if she’s trying to grasp his fingers in front of her. He can’t pull his eyes away from her as he says, “I’m pretty sure I owe you some kind of great thank you for this gift right here.”

He starts walking toward the door again, and Jungwoo even steps out of the way to let him pass, so you ask, “Where are you going with her?”

“I’m going to spend a little quality time with my daughter,” WinWin says, and if life were a cartoon then his pupils would be heart-shaped as Mei grips onto one of his fingers right then. “You and Xiaojun can finish up here. Clean up before we go to the movie tonight.” His gaze finally lifts from your daughter, flicking in Xiaojun’s direction.

Xiaojun starts to say something in response, but WinWin’s already ducked out of sight of the doorway, leaving Jungwoo still standing there.

He doesn’t move, even as Xiaojun stands and starts to gather his pants and underwear from where he’s kicked them. Jungwoo just stares at you, at your bare tits. You can kind of guess what he’s thinking, and right as Xiaojun’s shimmying his pants back into place, Jungwoo asks, “Does it taste alright?”

Xiaojun freezes, glancing between you and Jungwoo.

You don’t really care what his answer is. It’s breastmilk, it’s not meant for him anyway, so you don’t think his opinion on it really matters. Instead of intently listening to him, you climb out of bed, turning your back on your boyfriends to get dressed.

“It’s not bad. Wouldn’t be my first choice of drink, but I’m not going to pretend like I wouldn’t definitely do that again.” Xiaojun sounds so pleased with himself as he says it, and you roll your eyes affectionately, carrying your clothes in your arms into the bathroom to shower, leaving Xiaojun and Jungwoo out there to discuss your breasts and your milk. You need to shower and get ready for the first date you’ll have in months.

Once the others realize that you’re open to having sex again, you’ve got a parade of boyfriends trying to get between your legs again. Or at least, after hearing about what WinWin and Jungwoo had walked in on, they keep asking to taste your breastmilk.

Self-consciously, you cross your arms over your chest as Mark’s folded himself onto the end of your bed and just asked you in a very serious voice, “So can I have a taste too?”

“Mark, shut the fuck up.” Yuta’s sitting right beside you, holding Mei who’s just looking up at him and smiling. She’s been doing that a lot lately, making this absolutely adorable smile that has every single person in this house wrapped around her tiny fingers. “If you want to taste it just go get in the minifridge.” Yuta jerks his head over to the set up you’ve got tucked in the corner beside the rocking chair, now that you’re pumping milk just so you don’t have to get your tits out every time that Mei cries for food.

“Do not drink Mei’s supply, Mark Lee.” You get up, and as you walk toward the end of the bed, you reach up to ruffle your fingers through Mark’s hair. “You boys are all so weird. Every one that’ve had a taste say it’s weird, so why do you keep asking. You don’t even eat yogurt, Mark, what do you think breastmilk is going to do to you?”

Yuta snickers.

Mark laughs too, and you smile as you rest your hand on his head. He tilts back to meet your gaze.

And then you hear it.

Your head snaps toward Yuta and Mei. You feel Mark go still beneath you. Yuta’s frozen in surprise.

You hear it again.

“Is she laughing?” You climb back onto the bed, crawling up toward the head.

Mei’s tiny little body, her smiling face. She’s laughing. And if you’ve ever had a favorite sound, it is this. Your daughter’s little giggle. She’s three and a half months old, and this is the funniest thing in her whole life.

You’re still fawning over her and the cute sounds she makes when WinWin gets home.

He always comes up to see Mei first thing when he gets home, even if it’s super late, even if he’s already extremely tired. Even if he’s fresh off a fifteen hour long shoot, he pops through the door of your bedroom.

“Sicheng!” You look up, unable to lose your grin. “Babe! Come here! She laughed!”

He looks confused for just a split second, and then Haechan (who had come into the room looking for Mark) does something and Mei laughs again.

WinWin’s face goes soft with surprise and awe, and then he lights up. Yuta’s still holding her, but he gives her up easily when WinWin makes grabby hands at his daughter. WinWin immediately hugs her and you can see Mei smiling like the happiest little baby.

For the first time since you saw her, right now as you look at the way she’s looking at her father, you realize that Mei is like a real little human. Like, on some level you’ve known that this whole time. You’ve known it since you first felt her move inside you, since you heard her first cry, since you spent all night watching her breathe.

After a little while, the others drift away, making excuses to leave, and then it’s just you and WinWin with your daughter. You scoot close beside him so you can rest your head on his shoulder, looking down at Mei cradled in his arms. Her eyelids are growing heavy, a pacifier between her lips now.

“Sometimes, when I first wake up in the morning,” WinWin says in a hushed tone, “Sometimes I think that this has all just been a dream. That I’m going to roll over, get up, and we’re going to be back where we were a year ago, before we even knew you were pregnant, and in that moment after just waking up, my heart drops. And I think that it was such a good dream.” He sighs.

Mei’s eyes fall shut, and WinWin looks down at her.

“I can’t imagine my life without her.” WinWin admits. “I hope you know that. The day I got that test result, best day of my life. I just.... I can’t even describe....”

“I understand.” You sit up a bit and kiss his cheek. “And I’m happy you’re her dad. I don’t know if I’ve ever actually said those words to you. But you’re so good at this.”

“So you’re saying I’m the best boyfriend?” WinWin smiles over at you, and judging by the way that his gaze briefly flicks past your face, over your shoulder toward where the door to your bedroom is, you assume one of the others has come to call, and WinWin’s looking to irritate whoever it is. He meets your gaze again as he says, “You’re saying that all along you wished I would be the dad, and you were just playing along with Jaehyun’s fantasies of him potentially being the dad.”

You look over and see Jaehyun leaning in the doorway, arms folded across his chest. 

Honestly your mouth waters at the sight. He looks like he’s ready for climbing into bed and staying there. Shirtless and wearing sweatpants, hair pushed back with a headband. 

“I’m glad Mei’s your daughter, WinWin. But that doesn’t mean I don’t want to make Jaehyun a daddy too.” You trace your gaze down the length of Jaehyun’s body, barely able to contain yourself. 

“Alright,” WinWin groans. “I guess that’s my cue to take our daughter and go. You look like you’re about to jump him, baby.”

“You don’t have to go.” You kneel up on your bed when WinWin stands up to go.

He shakes his head. “I’m not staying here with her while you eye-fuck Jaehyun.” He looks the other man up and down. “Have fun. Looks like you could both use it.” WinWin pats Jaehyun on the shoulder as they pass each other, and you watch WinWin leaving the room, holding Mei to his shoulder, kissing her head softly.

The softness you feel at that sight wars entirely with the lust you feel when Jaehyun slinks into your bed.

One knee lands between yours, a hand to your shoulder gently presses you back, and then Jaehyun’s over top of you, his lips press against yours. It feels so good to just kiss him, to feel his body on yours, all heat and hard planes. You love the soft little grunt of pleasure he makes against your lips when you trail a hand down his chest, fingers brushing over his nipple. You love the amused sound of surprise he makes when you suddenly push him over, rolling him beneath you.

Jaehyun’s hair’s grown long over these last several weeks, and now it flares out on the bed in a not-entirely-flattering manner. But you sit on his hips, reach forward to pluck the headband from his hair, and you toss it aside so you can run your fingers freely through his hair as you sink back in to kiss him some more.

“Did you mean what you said?” Jaehyun moans a few moments later as you begin to helplessly shift your hips. “About wanting to make me a daddy too?”

“Mmmh.” You kiss down his throat. “I would gladly give you a baby, I think. You clearly want one all your own.”

Jaehyun puts a hand to your shoulder, applying gentle pressure to get you to stop for just a moment. “Hey, look at me.”

You lift your head from his throat.

When Jaehyun’s eyes are looking right into yours, he says, “I want you to know that I am perfectly happy with Mei as my daughter. You know that, right?” You start to sink back down to get back to what you were doing, but Jaehyun catches your chin between his fingers. “I don’t want you to think that you, like, owe me a biological baby, okay? I know I always talk about this breeding kink thing, but in the end it’s just that, just a kinky thing. Of course, I would love to have a baby with you, but I don’t want you to feel obligated, okay? Tell me you know that.”

“I know, Jae.” You peck him on the lips. “But I want to make you happy too. And I don’t think I want to stop with just one kid. Especially when I see how you all dote on her. You’re all really amazing dads.”

Jaehyun chuckles, shaking his hand still holding your chin a little. “Don’t you miss our days of doting on you? Spoilt baby.” He flips things back over, sweeping your hands up over your head, pinning your wrists against the mattress. “Want me to spoil you again, princess?”

Warmth blooms through you, tingling down to your fingertips and toes as Jaehyun looks at you and talks to you like that. His hand dives under your shirt, pushing it higher up your chest until your bra is exposed; one flick of his wrist and the nursing bra you’re wearing falls apart, and your breasts are freed for him.

“Jaehyun, please.” Your breathy whine does exactly what you want.

Jaehyun, with one hand still pinning your wrists above your head, lowers his mouth to your breast. His other hand dips inside the shorts you’re wearing, inside your panties too. You gasp and arch into his touch as he grazes your clit. So enamored are you by the things he’s making you feel, that you don’t notice at first when he removes his hand from your wrist. It’s only as you feel your shorts and panties being tugged down that you realize your hands are free, but you leave them together above your head as Jaehyun pulls his mouth from you and shimmies your shorts away.

“God, you’re so fucking sexy.” Jaehyun sinks down low, lying on his belly between your legs. His hands press against your thighs, getting you to spread open a little farther. He leans up to kiss your belly just below your navel, right where the butterflies are going wild in your gut.

Sure, Xiaojun ate you out when you had sex with him, and you’ve fucked a couple of the others since that, but you haven’t had Jaehyun’s tongue on you in what feels like ages. Definitely for several months. So seeing him between your legs like this has really stirred you up, and you can feel yourself dripping more just thinking about his tongue and sweet lips on your pussy.

“Gonna make you cum until you can’t take anymore.” Jaehyun murmurs, kissing lower, his breath fanning over your wetness. “I love spoiling you, baby. Just let me know if it gets to be too much.”

And then there he is, fingers spreading your labia apart to give him direct access to suck your clit between his lips. You can’t stand how well Jaehyun knows you, how he knows exactly every move to make right now to get you to cum quickest. He buries his face against you, eating you out with such intensity and devotion that you’re lightheaded even before your first orgasm crashes over you. And it doesn’t stop there. Waves of pleasure as Jaehyun keeps licking your pussy, fucking you with his tongue, making vibrations to carry you through it by moaning as you drip on his tongue.

When Jaehyun sharply sucks your clit back into his mouth after that second orgasm, you squeeze your thighs around his head, and you whine, “Too much, Jae. Back off.”

He does slowly pull himself up onto his knees, lifting a hand to drag it back across his mouth, though he still licks his lips again.

“Good, princess? You only came twice. Don’t you want more?” As he shifts a little, you notice the tent in the front of his sweatpants. Immediately you want to offer to jerk him off or blow him, but you know that Jaehyun is just as likely to turn that down, to go shower and take care of himself instead, so you entice him the only way that you know for certain will have him staying.

You spreak your legs apart again. “I’m not finished. I want you inside me. Told you I want to have your baby too, didn’t I?”

“Stop. This is about you. Not me.” Jaehyun says, but he’s already got a hand on your hip, is already rolling you onto your belly. “Want to get on your knees, precious?”

You lift your ass up, cheek still against the bed, and Jaehyun slicks his fingers against your pussy, giving you just his fingertips before they disappear again, his fingers damp on your hips instead. You bite your lip to hold in the pathetic whimper that you almost made as you grind back against his fingers, pressing back until you feel the soft material covering his thighs bumping against your bare skin. His erection fits against your ass.

“Ah, shit.” Jaehyun moans, his hips pushing forward involuntarily.

“I need you, Jaehyun. I’ve missed your cock. It’s been so long since I had you inside me, remember?” You’re sure you’re creating a damp spot on the front of his pants, continuing to grind back against his erection. “Please fuck me, Jae. Please, Daddy?”

Jaehyun’s not always big on the daddy kink thing. That’s mostly Kun, occasionally Doyoung when he’s really feeling it. But from time to time, you’ve called Jaehyun daddy, and he’s loved it. Just as he does now.

You can feel him fumbling quickly with his pants, pushing them down around his thighs, his hands going back to your ass, thumbs spreading your cheeks so he can see as his desperately hard cock presses against your entrance and then as he pushes inside.

Jaehyun moans, swearing and sounding so lovely as he feels your warm vagina around him for the first time since the beginning of the year, like eight months almost. “Fuck, baby, you feel so good around me.”

“Yeah, Daddy?” You turn your head to the side, trying to get a look at Jaehyun’s face. “You missed my pussy?”

“Haven’t we all?” His hands slip from your ass to your hips, holding tightly as he starts thrusting into you. “Heard you keep telling most of them no when they come drooling after you, baby. Waiting for someone special? Only want Daddy’s cock to fill you up?”

He’s mostly right. Ever since Xiaojun, you’ve messed around with several of them. Johnny had come to you begging for attention as the one handjob you’d given him had been distracted and hurried. Kun and you had had a quick roll around the other morning, which ended with his fingers inside you and your hand down his pants. There was the moment when Jungwoo had sat there watching you try to nurse Mei, but when it turned out that she wasn’t hungry although your tits were hurting with the need to get the milk out, and he’d eagerly volunteered to help you with that instead of you having to sit there with the breast pump which was just annoying to have to deal with. You’d sat in his lap with his face buried against your tits, and after he’d had his fill, looking dazed and horny, you laid back on the bed for him so he could jerk off over your chest before licking it clean again.

For the most part, you’ve not engaged in actual penetrative sex with any of the guys since Xiaojun, but a couple weeks after that, you did share a single glass of wine with Doyoung, and it went straight to your head, making you feel all giddy and buzzy, so when Doyoung got you to your feet to go bed, you’d dragged him into a kiss. The kiss also went straight to your head, pulling and tugging Doyoung all the way into your bedroom with you, through the bathroom door, into the shower. It felt so good to have him in you again, moving against you, pinning you against the cool tile wall of the shower, water racing down your bodies and streaming between your lips as you kissed.

You’d had sex with Yuta too, convincing him to stay in bed with you one morning. He’d woken hard, your name on his lips, and as soon as he realized, Yuta hurried to climb from bed, to go take care of it himself, but you’d caught his arm and asked him to stay. Yuta was worried about hurting you, concerned about Mei in the corner. But she was already gone as it was actually quite late in the morning. You’d already fed her, and Taeil had taken her downstairs when he left your room. So you welcome Yuta into you, and he’s not normally so tender and romantic in bed. You know him better by the rough passion, each time normally touching on one of his kinks, but this time had been sweet and gentle, taking you apart second by second until you unraveled beneath him. He’d left afterwards, pressing a kiss to your forehead and promising he’d be back with breakfast in bed.

 But, Jaehyun was mostly right about you waiting for his cock. The few times you’ve had sex again, none of them had cum inside of you for one reason or another, and you know that if you tell him that now, it’ll really satisfy Jaehyun’s jealousy and his breeding kink, thinking that he’s the only one allowed to cum in you now.

“Waiting for you, Daddy,” you moan, gasping for breath as his tip drags right against your G spot. “Been waiting for your cum. Please, Jaehyun.”

“Of course, baby. I’ll give it to you.” He thrusts in deep, reaches a hand up to tangle his fingers in your hair so he can pull you up from where your face has been planted against the mattress.

Now, you know that you’ve not been trying to hold your moans in much, and Jaehyun’s definitely not being quiet either, so you’re not too surprised when your eyes open as Jaehyun tugs on your hair, and you see that all of these sounds have drawn some attention.

Johnny and Mark stand watching in the doorway.

No orgies, your doctor’s voice echoes in your mind. She’d been joking, you know that, but right now, you don’t care about how serious or not she’d been. You just want. You don’t think you can handle three of them—sure, you’ve had more and worse before than just three at once, but it’s been a long time, and your body would definitely not be up to it, already after just the two orgasms back-to-back that Jaehyun gave you, you were feeling it. You can take maybe one or two more, but not more than that.

“Jae, please,” you moan, throwing your head back so you can see his face. “Please.”

He glances over at the two in the doorway. He jerks his head, and Mark and Johnny come closer. Mark’s gaze is fixed on Jaehyun’s cock disappearing inside you. Johnny’s watching the way Jaehyun’s fingers are knotted in your hair.

“Are you finally giving her the treat she deserves, Jae?” Johnny asks as he joins you on the bed, kneeling in front of you. “How does she feel?”

“Sweet.” Jaehyun’s hand winds tighter in your hair, drawing you up more until your back is pressed to his chest, and his lips brush your throat. “Our baby girl feels so sweet. Tastes sweet too.” His tongue swipes quickly at your skin.

Johnny starts touching you too; a hand between your legs to rub at your clit, another raised up to tweak one of your nipples. And when he leans in, his lips touching the other side of your neck from Jaehyun’s lips, you lose control of yourself.

You keen at the attention being laved on you, an orgasm rocking through you.

Jaehyun’s teeth close down on your sensitive skin. Johnny chuckles, continuing to rub your clit and kiss your neck as you keep shaking, your body too overstimulated now on your third orgasm, pressed between two boyfriends with them still touching you.

“Oh my God, it’s too much,” you moan, shaking. “Jaehyun, Johnny.”

“Guys.” For the first time since entering the room, Mark speaks. “Back off, look at her.”

It’s a lot but you’re still fine. It’s not more than you can handle, though you appreciate Mark’s concern. But you don’t appreciate when Johnny pulls away, when Jaehyun stops thrusting toward his own orgasm.

You shake your head. “No, keep going.” You reach back, fingernails digging into Jaehyun’s hip. “Please, Jaehyun, I told you I want you to cum in me. Keep going. I need it.”

“Love when you beg for it.” Jaehyun picks back up where he left off, chasing his orgasm, and it’s only another few moments before he’s cumming, the long-awaited heat of his orgasm spilling inside you. “Mmmh,” Jaehyun moans, “now you’re all mine, baby. Gonna give Mei a little sister or brother, right?” He kisses your neck and you shoulder, and as he pulls his hips back from yours, you can turn around in his arms, and he kisses you on the lips.

“Come on, when’s my turn?” Johnny asks, his voice teasing, his hands reaching for your hips. “I’ve missed you too.”

You break the kiss with Jaehyun, twisting around somewhat uncomfortably to bat Johnny’s hands away. “I can’t, Johnny. It’s already been too much, too quick. I shouldn’t have even done that much probably.” It’s not like that sex had been too wild or anything at all, just a bit rougher than the others have been since you were cleared for sex again, but you can already feel a dull ache setting into those muscles.

Johnny sighs and leans back against your pillows. You can see the bulge in the front of his pants, and it hurts you to know how much he wants you, to know that the most you can offer him right now is another handjob or a blowjob, but not what he wants. He looks at you for a long moment, considering, and then he sits up, pushes himself off the bed, and walks out the door.

You sink back against Jaehyun, and he wraps his arms around you. Mark’s still standing there, looking after Johnny, but as the door swings shut, Mark looks back at you and Jaehyun. You groan, reaching down to dip your fingers between your legs, the cum dripping out of you now. “I feel so gross now.”

Jaehyun lets go of you, flopping down onto his back, eyes fluttering shut. “We should take a nap. Mark, you joining?”

There’s just barely enough room for three people on your bed, but it doesn’t matter, because Mark shakes his head. “But if you feel gross, how does a bath sound?”

You nod.

Jaehyun makes a little noise, stretching out an arm to lay it over your lap possessively, keeping you there in bed with him.

Mark rolls his eyes a little. “You can join us, Jaehyun. That tub might be big enough to fit the three of us and your jealousy.”

Jaehyun opens his mouth to retort, but you quickly cover his mouth with your hand. “Let’s not argue. Let’s just relax with a soak in the bath, then we can go see what WinWin and Mei are up to.”

After Mark steps out to go run the bath, Jaehyun moves his arm away.

He’s lying there stark naked, not trying to cover up at all, and you once more find your gaze drawing attentively and appreciatively over his form from head to toe. But as you return to looking at his face, you find that he’s watching you, smiling and blushing ever-so-slightly.

“Enjoying the view?”

You reach over, pinching lightly one of his nipples. “Shut up. You know you’re handsome. I don’t need to tell you that. And also, you don’t need to act so jealously possessive when Mark offers me a bath, like you just fucked me so good, Jaehyun. If I thought I could’ve handled more I would have gladly begged you to keep going, would’ve let Johnny and Mark too.” You lean down so your face is right above his. Jaehyun blinks slowly, dazed by your sudden proximity, and he makes a soft pleasant humming sound when you kiss him. “Only would’ve let you cum in me, though,” you promise him.

Jaehyun grins, resting his hand against the back of your head as he brings you back down into another, longer kiss.

You’re still kissing when Mark pops his head out of the bathroom to tell you the bath is ready.

“Coming?” You ask Jaehyun.

He shakes his head, watching you slip off the bed. “Think I’ll go steal Mei from whoever’s got her. Maybe I’ll just go take a nap.” But he’s still in your bed when you close the bathroom door behind you.

The tub swirls with steam and bubbles, the air scented with vanilla. Mark’s already soaking in the tub, but he opens his eyes as you ease a foot into the water. “Where’s Jaehyun?” He asks, his eyes following each inch of your skin that sinks beneath the bubbles.

“Decided to go bother whoever has Mei.” You sigh as the bubbles brush your chin, the warm water enveloping you, already working magic to relax that ache you’re feeling. “This feels so nice.”

“It does.” Mark’s hand brushes your arm beneath the water, circling around so he can pull you closer and closer until you’re sitting with your back to his chest.

“This is nicer,” you sigh, leaning you head back as Mark kisses the side of your head. “Relaxing.”

His hand slides down to yours, twisting your fingers together underwater. You rest your head on his shoulder, his head rests against yours, and you let your eyes close, feeling safe and good, all wrapped up in warmth and Mark.

After a few moments, he starts humming, playing with your fingers. He brings your intertwined hands up out of the water, and you smile to yourself. Mark rubs his thumb back and forth and back and forth and again and again at the base of your third finger until you finally open your eyes, turn your head slightly, and you ask, “What are you doing?”

“Just thinking,” Mark answers. “Remembering the night I proposed to you, how quickly you shot me down.” He kisses your head, then says, “I still want to marry you, by the way. I know things have been.... a little different since Mei. I know she’s not mine, so proposing like I did back then was maybe a little silly, but it doesn’t change how I feel about you at all. I still love you as wildly as I have done since I met you and even more. I know that you would probably shoot me down in a heartbeat again if I tried to propose, but I’m just thinking about how I would still gladly spend forever with you and Mei.”

Mark lifts your hand up, kissing right there at the base of your finger where a ring would sit if you’d said yes to him.

Mei’s giggles quickly become your favorite sound in the universe. She giggles when Miso comes up to snuggle beside her. She giggles when her dads or the other guys play with her. She giggles when you talk to her in silly voices or when you blow raspberries on her belly. She smiles and makes babbling noises, such a happy baby.

“Mei-mei!” Ten coos, lifting her up. “How’s the happy little princess today?” He scrunches his nose at her adorably.

“She’s been fussy today, actually.” You’ve had her lying on a blanket on the floor in the living room while you sit nearby and fold laundry, and she’s been making little crying noises for the better part of an hour, but every time you’ve checked her diaper she’s been dry, and she’s not hungry either. You’ve tried holding her and talking to her, giving her her favorite new toy. Nothing had worked until you put YouTube on the TV and started playing videos of the guys—music videos, interviews, reality shows, videos from their channels.

They’ve all been gone all day. The 127 members, the Dreamies, and WayV were all out, and you don’t know the last time you were in the house without any of them, or if you’ve ever been there without them. It was strange, and maybe that’s what Mei had been picking up on. And now Ten’s the first one back.

“She seems good now.” Ten sits down on the sofa, sitting Mei back against his chest. She’s making little happy sounds, which only turn to giggles when Ten takes her hands and starts clapping them together between his. That entertains her for another minute or two before she starts getting whiny again.

Ten watches in surprise as you start playing one of WayV’s videos and Mei immediately calms down, her eyes watching the TV screen, transfixed.

“Honestly, I think she wants WinWin.” You sigh, folding the last of the clothes and sitting it on top of the neat pile you’ve made. “She’s only four months old, and already such a Daddy’s girl. I swear she already has some idea of the time he normally comes home, because she just starts to get so excited and looks at the door. And watch, when he starts talking.” You point at the video, and as WinWin appears and starts talking Mei makes such happy sounds.

Ten laughs. “Is it just him she does that for?”

You shrug. “Sometimes Jaehyun. I think it’s because they’re the ones always stealing her from everyone else. You know how possessive they both are of her.”

“And of you.” Ten bounces Mei a little in his lap. She’s got her hand shoved into her mouth, drooling around it, and Ten just watches her do it with amusement. “Johnny came to me a few days ago, complaining that you’d left him on the edge again. Something about Jaehyun calling you about Mei, interrupting what you were doing, then you left him like that?”

You groan. You know exactly what he’s talking about. A few days ago, Jaehyun had happily volunteered to babysit Mei to give you just a few hours to yourself to relax. That relaxing had consisted of you going to get a wax (just because Doyoung had eaten you out and afterwards commented that he missed the times when you would be so smooth down there) and a massage and a trim for your hair too. And when you got home, Jaehyun wasn’t finished having quality Mei time (a nap side-by-side on the floor; it was adorable and you snapped quite a few photos of them), so you climbed up the stairs to your bedroom, but before you went inside, Johnny had peered out of his room, saw the glowing happy state of you, and invited you inside.

You’d been excited to show off to him how soft and smooth you looked, and Johnny had been equally as excited to get to experience it. So he’d laid you back on his bed, touching and stroking you until your belly was on fire with lust, your pussy dripping, mind going fuzzy with just how much you needed Johnny to make you cum. He’d taken photos too, a few small video snippets as well, sending them into your groupchat with your boyfriends to show each of them what they were missing out on, and as he teased you with light brushes of his fingers over your clit, Johnny had read out the responses of what the others were saying.

By the time that Johnny was finally inside you, his big cock feeling so good, and his warm arms and body surrounding you, making you lowkey lose your mind at the all-encompassing feeling of Johnny Suh, you’d forgotten about everything but him.

Until there was a frantic knock on the door.

Both of you ignored it. Lips locked together, Johnny’s hips knocking you higher up the bed with your hand braced against the headboard to keep from ramming into it.

It took another few harried knocks on the door before Johnny grunted a clearly annoyed, “What?”

“It’s Mei,” Jaehyun said from outside the door. “She woke up crying and she feels a little warm, maybe feverish. Sorry to interrupt, but I don’t—“

He didn’t even get the chance to say anything else before you were shoving Johnny away from you, pulling clothes on that weren’t even yours, and you were out the door. Mei had been fine; it wasn’t a fever or anything, she was just a little warm and hungry, and by the time you got that sorted, you couldn’t even find Johnny to finish things off.

In the back of your mind, at the time, you had wondered if Jaehyun had just fibbed about Mei feeling feverish just to break up what was going on with you and Johnny. If he’d seen the photos and videos in the chat, if his jealousy had overwhelmed him enough to make up any excuse to get it to stop. You’d convinced yourself that that was ridiculous; Jaehyun seemed genuinely concerned that Mei might be sick.

But right now, Ten looks at you like he believes Jaehyun had done exactly what you were suspicious of.

“I thought Mei was sick, so I had to go take care of her, Ten.” You push to your feet, coming over to offer your hands to your daughter. She babbles excitedly as Ten hands her over to you. “It’s not like I could tell Jaehyun to just go watch her, make sure she didn’t get too high of a temperature while I stayed to finish Johnny off. And by the time I’d settled her down, I couldn’t find Johnny anywhere to pick back up or to even apologize.”

Ten nods. “Yeah, he was with me. Don’t worry. I took good care of him.” He grins mischievously. “But afterwards we were talking, and he said that kind of thing has been happening a lot. Him feeling left behind or left out. I think you two should talk.”

You think he’s right.

It’s hours later when Johnny gets home. Mei’s asleep upstairs; you’ve got the baby monitor beside you at the table while Chenle and Jisung argue over who gets the last ramen cup in the cabinet. Jungwoo, Mark, and Sungchan are playing video games together in the living room with Yuta and Taeil calling out advice and commentary from where they’re watching. You feel at peace again with the house back to normal, loud and busy and relatively chaotic.

Yuta greets Johnny as he walks through the door, and as he passes the doorway into the kitchen, you call his name. He passes by then backs up, pulling out a headphone. “Did you say my name?”

You nod. “Can I talk to you?”

Johnny pulls his headphones out of his ears, tucking them away in his pocket. “Of course.”

Yuta strides into the kitchen then, bypassing the two youngest members of the group who are now standing at the fridge together, and before either of them notice, he steals the ramen they’d been arguing over. You shake your head at him, and he just smiles.

“Yuta, can you take this.” You hand him the baby monitor. “Just keep an ear on it for Mei, please?”

Yuta glances between the baby monitor and your face and Johnny’s. Something clicks in his eyes, and his smile turns more suggestive. “Ah, alright. I’ve got our little angel. You two have fun.” He accepts the monitor, and walks back out of the room with the steaming ramen in the other hand.

Johnny follows you as you walk outside into their small yard. It’s deep night outside, quiet but the air still buzzes with the nature sounds of insects and the wind. It rustles your hair as you sit down on the bench, Johnny settling down beside you.

“What’s up?” He asks. You notice the way that he reaches down to the knee of his jeans, fiddling with the frayed hole there.

“I was talking with Ten earlier,” you say, “and he told me that last week when I skipped out on you, you went to him instead.”

Johnny nods. “Yeah, like, you don’t have a problem with that, right? Kun and Taeyong still fuck around with him too.”

“I know. I’m fine with that. But, Johnny, Ten said that you’re feeling left out in this relationship lately, and that’s what I want to talk about.” You reach over, laying your hand over his on his knee. “Why do you feel that way?”

Johnny’s quiet for a few seconds, looking at your hand on his, and then he lets out a short, sarcastic laugh. “I mean, it’s not a ridiculous way to feel right now, is it? Not baseless? I can count on one hand the number of times that I’ve had your wholly undivided attention, uninterrupted by someone else within the last, like, five months almost.”

“You mean since Mei was born?” You withdraw your hand. “Johnny, I’m sorry you feel that way, but you know I can’t just ignore my daughter, right? If she needs me, I have to go, because I’m her mother and that’s my responsibility.”

“Of course I get that. I know that you need to take care of her. It’s just fucking annoying when you leave me in the middle of something sexual.” Johnny argues, “Like, that time you gave me a handjob, and you definitely would’ve just left if I didn’t beg you to finish me off, and even then you did it so quick then just left. And when Jaehyun was fucking you, me and Mark walked in, got me so hard and then just told me to leave pretty much. Then there was the other day. And I get it, Mei needed you, but it just pissed me off that Jae interrupted, especially since it turned out that she was fine.”

You don’t know what to say. Those examples he gave you, two of those times it was because your daughter needed you, and the other time your body literally couldn’t take any more so there was nothing you could have done for him.

“And it just seems like you never have time for me anymore. There’s the sex stuff, but also, even when we’re together just talking or watching a movie or whatever it may be, I just feel like you’re not there with me. Like you’re thinking about something else, not listening to me or wanting to be there.” Johnny tilts his head back and looks up at the sky. “I love you, I really do, but lately it’s just felt like maybe I shouldn’t be here anymore. I want someone I can go have fun with and not have to worry about leaving me at a moment’s notice.”

“Well, I’m a mother, Johnny. That’s going to happen.” You tell him. “She comes first; she always will.”

“I know.” Johnny folds his arms in front of his chest. “So maybe we should end this. I thought that I was ready for a relationship like this, but now with all things considered – the other guys and Mei and everything – I think it’s too serious and too complex for me to be happy trying to keep doing this. Your attention is split too many different ways, and I hate ending it, because like I said, I do love you. But I... I just think that maybe we want different things.”

You look down at your hands, willing the tears not to flow, but you can already feel the hot tingle behind your eyes, the tightening in your throat. “You wanted a baby, Johnny. Do you remember that? We talked about it before I was pregnant. Hell, we talked about it while I was pregnant, when you were coming to the appointments with me, meeting my parents. You remember that, right? But now you’re saying that you can’t deal with having my attention split between you and her?”

“That’s not it.” Johnny’s voice drops low, offended and defensive as he says, “Not entirely. If it was just that, just split between me and Mei, I could handle that. But it’s the fact that you’re in love with all of us, that you’re dating all of us. That’s what I can’t deal with. You get that, right?”

You hate to admit it, but you do get it. This moment is strangely similar to when you and Lucas broke up. He had other reasons, mostly his growing feelings for Chaerin, but he also told you that one of the reasons was that he felt that your attention was too divided.

“I get it,” you agree. But you can’t bring yourself to look at Johnny.

“Are you mad at me?” Johnny asks after a few silent moments.

You bite your cheek, blink away the tears, and then you say, “Well, it’s not like I’m jumping for joy or anything over here. But I get it. I don’t like it, but not many people do like being broken up with.”

“I’m sorry,” he apologizes again. His hand rests briefly on your shoulder, and then he’s gone, leaving just the heat behind from his hand.

Kun’s the one that finds you a while later. You’re not sure how long you’ve been sitting out there, but the light in the kitchen has gone out when you hear the door.

“There you are.” Kun steps out, closing the door behind him to come sit beside you. “I was starting to get a little worried when I couldn’t find you anywhere inside.” As soon as he sits down Kun wraps his arm around your shoulders, drawing you into his side, and you lean your head down on his shoulder. “I’m guessing that talk with Johnny didn’t go well?”

You start to lift your head, but Kun lays his hand on your hair, pressing you back down. “How did you know about that?” You ask him.

“Ten. He told me that he told you what Johnny had been saying, and that you two needed to talk.” He strokes your hair soothingly. “And when I got home earlier, Yuta had the baby monitor, and when I asked, he said you were out here talking with Johnny.”

“Yeah.” You sigh. It feels like there’s a weight on your chest that won’t go away. You hate this feeling, like maybe if you’d just done something different, maybe you could make everyone in this relationship happy. But as you’ve been thinking about this since Johnny left you out here, the only thing different you could come up with is just choosing one of them from the start; that or not getting pregnant, but you can’t bring yourself to regret that one bit at all.

“What happened? If you want to talk about it?” Kun asks.

You pull your head away from his hand slowly, and Kun moves to let you do so. He makes a little sound as you sink down, resting your head in his lap and taking his hand to bring it back to your hair. The bench is a little hard and uncomfortable to lie on like this, but you don’t really care too much.

“We broke up. I didn’t, like, come out here thinking that’s what was going to happen. I thought we’d just talk, come up with a compromise or something, and then go back inside happily.” You close your eyes tight. “But Johnny thinks that I’m juggling too many people in this relationship, that I don’t have enough time and attention for all of you, plus being Mei’s mom on top of all of that. And he’s right, I guess. That’s partially why Lucas left me, and I know things have probably gotten worse since I had Mei.”

Kun twirls your hair around one of his fingers. “A little bit, but I thought we all understood that you have to focus on her. We can handle ourselves. But Mei needs you entirely; she’s a baby. And we, or at least I, can see that you’re doing your best to be what all of us need you to be. Aren’t you exhausted?”

You rub your cheek against Kun’s leg, loving the soft feel of his pajama pants against your skin. “A little exhausted.”

“You need a vacation.” Kun suggests. “You barely leave the house, so you need to just get away, get out of the city. Probably get away from all of us.”

A laugh bubbles out of you, and you turn onto your back so you’re looking up at Kun. He’s smiling, eyes glinting in the dim light. “Right, get away from all of you. And what about Mei? Do you think I could leave her here for a week or even a few days? With all of you?” You laugh again. “I love all of you, and I know most of you are good with her, but really, Kun? If you want me to relax, leaving my daughter here in this house without me would almost be as bad as leaving her in a fraternity house.”

Kun frowns. “We’re not that bad.”

You lift a hand up to touch his cheek. “No, you’re not. I know I can trust a couple of you with her, but I still couldn’t leave her.”

The longest you’ve been away from Mei is about four hours, and even then, she was only about twenty minutes away from you. What Kun’s suggesting, leaving the city for a getaway would last much longer and put your farther away from her than you’ve ever been before.

“Take her with you, then.” Kun turns his head, brushing his lips to your hand. “You, her, WinWin. Take a little family trip. He should have a few free days coming up on his schedule. And don’t mind anyone getting jealous about it if you take WinWin with you. He’s her dad. I think the three of you deserve some quality time together.”

It does all sound like a very tempting idea, so you keep that little idea wrapped up nicely in your mind for a few days, coming back to it again and again every time that a stressor pops up in your life. Like when you bump into Johnny and his expression shifts into something that’s a combination of sadness and concern and apology. After the third time of that happening, you decide maybe taking some time away from the house would be a good thing.

You bring it up to WinWin on a Tuesday morning.

He’s just woken up, rolled out of bed, and strolled upstairs into your bedroom. His hair’s still a wild mess, standing up in various direction, and looking especially silly because of the recent dyeing it had. You laugh and reach up to smooth it down as he flops down into your bed, dragging the sheets up. Miso hisses as the sudden sheet movement disrupts him bathing himself at the foot of the bed, and he stalks off, his tail held high, looking back once before he disappears out the door to give WinWin a disgruntled look.

“I want to go back to sleep,” he mumbles into your pillow. “But Hendery wouldn’t stop being loud. I get that he isn’t the one who had a schedule running into early this morning, but come on? Being awake this early?” WinWin smashes his face into your pillow, pulls the blanket up over his head entirely, and falls silent.

“You have a few days cleared on your schedule soon, right?” You lift the edge of the blanket so he can breathe. The lump under the blanket moves to signal a yes. “Do you want to get away and relax with me somewhere that’s not here?”

WinWin emerges from the blanket, squinting against the light. “What?”

“Kun suggested it the other night. He thinks you, me, and Mei should get away. Well, initially he just said me, but when I laughed about leaving Mei here in this house alone with all of you, he amended it to include you and her too.” You quickly reach up, trying to push his hair flat again, unsuccessfully. “What do you think?”

WinWin nods. “Sounds good to me.”

And three days later, you and WinWin pack up Mei and a weekend bag, and drive away to a beach a few hours away. You’re not there necessarily for the beach—after all Mei is only a few months old and you definitely don’t want to expose her to the sun or to the heat for too long—though it does make a very pretty view from the window of your hotel room. The pretty blue water lapping against the beach below makes you pause at the window, holding Mei who also looks out at the water transfixed (or maybe she just sees her reflection in the window and wonders who that other baby is), pressing her little handprints to the glass.

“Do you remember the last time we came to the beach?” WinWin asks, sneaking up behind you. He drops a quick kiss to your cheek, then brings a hand up to cradle Mei’s head.

“Mhmm.” You hum, and Mei waves a hand at the window, fingers leaving streaks on the glass. “I’m pretty sure last time we came to the beach is probably when we made her.” You stroke her soft cheek. “That was such a good day.”

WinWin laughs, and Mei turns her head to look up at him with her sparkly dark eyes. “I remember that day, like, I was joking around with Taeyong and Hendery, and then I looked over at you and Dejun sitting on the end of that dock. You were just sunbathing, and then the next time I looked over you were making out, straddling him, God, it was really sexy. I never pegged him as being the type to mess around in public like that, but neither was I really until right then. I still can’t believe we did that out in broad daylight where anyone could’ve seen us. Do you really think that’s the time that we made her?”

You shrug. “Probably. That’s definitely around the time that she was conceived. And Mei’s our little sea star. She loves her baths, and when I play white noise to help her sleep, the ocean waves are her favorite. Of course, that could all be a coincidence.”

WinWin smiles as Mei starts making nonsensical babbling sounds, kicking her legs as she looks back out the window at the beach and the people milling around in the sand. “We really did something good, didn’t we? Making her.”

“Absolutely.” She certainly wasn’t planned, but you don’t regret one thing about it. You and WinWin talk about this semi-regularly, both of you just absolutely enchanted watching your daughter exist, amazed that she’s the product of both of you. “And to think you almost didn’t come with us to the beach that day.”

WinWin shakes his head. “I don’t want to think about that. Mei-mei, you want daddy to hold you?” He repeats it in Mandarin, and as he says her full name Mingmei, she lifts her arms to him, so you pass her over. WinWin cuddles her, continuing to speak to her quietly as she gazes up at his face and clings tightly to one of his fingers.

It’s the next day when the three of you go down to the beach early on in the day, before the sun’s really beaming down, but nevertheless you’ve slathered Mei with some baby-safe sunscreen, you have a little adorable hat on her head shielding her from the weak sun rays. It’s not really warm enough to get in the water, but it’s nice enough that you and WinWin can sit on the sand for a while, put Mei’s toes in the sand, and eventually you carry her to the water’s edge and hold her right there, her little feet curl up as a cool wave washes over them.

“Does she not like it?” WinWin asks, chuckling as Mei lets out a sad little cry just once.

“You’re not too sure about that are you, Mei?” You laugh. She puts her feet back down after a minute, just to have another wave crash nearby, racing thinly over the sand, covering her feet. She watches the water carefully, and the next time it happens she giggles, quickly adapting to the strangeness of the water.

You don’t spend all day at the beach. There’s a temple nearby up atop a tall hill, so you put on a baby carrier strapped to your chest, fit Mei snugly in it, and you and WinWin go exploring with Mei along for the ride. It’s a nice walk, pretty out, and as you follow a path along the seaside, the breeze blows salty spray up at your faces. Once you’ve reached the peak of the hill, Mei is ready to be free of the prison you’ve got her strapped into on your chest, ready to be set free and held by her dad.

It’s breezy and cool, relaxing here atop the hill, looking down at the waves below. There aren’t too many people up here, so you decide to take a seat on one of the benches overlooking the sea, unpacking a little picnic.

WinWin sits across from you on the bench, both of you facing each other, and he holds Mei in his lap, her sitting up against his chest, waving her hands excitedly as you pull out a bottle you’ve kept chilled with your food. When you try to get her into your arms so you can feed her with the bottle, Mei just whines in protest, clearly wanting to stay with her dad.

WinWin, to be fair, tries his best to not grin in victory as you hand the bottle over to him so he can feed her.

“You know I carried you for nine months, right?” You tell her. “But he’s your favorite?”

WinWin just laughs, and as you watch him laughing and smiling, feeding your daughter, you fully understand why he’s her favorite. Why wouldn’t he be?

You take photos of them together, sweet snapshots of memory as the day goes on. WinWin feeding her, him holding her on his shoulders (you were both surprised and pleased just a few days before as she’d sat upright so well by herself), and even a photo of them looking out at the water with their faces side-by-side as WinWin talked to her in a gentle voice. But as the day goes on Mei starts to grow sleepy and fussy, crying loud enough that heads in the crowd turn to look, so you decide to go back to the hotel.

You sit out on the balcony together, the door cracked open behind you so you can hear if Mei starts crying inside. WinWin stands against the railing, and you stand beside him, your head on his shoulder.

“This is nice.” He sighs. “I don’t get many vacations, not many trips where I can just get away from all the cameras and everything.”

“Nice to get to relax some, isn’t it?” You turn your head and kiss his shoulder. “At least one good thing’s come out of Johnny and I breaking up.”

WinWin makes a soft sound of agreement. “We all knew this wasn’t going to be easy. From the start, we’ve all known that we couldn’t all stay here, doing this with you. I remember after we all found out that Doyoung had kissed you, we thought that was going to be the end, that you’d chosen him. But then a few days later Taeyong was bragging you’d kissed him. For a long time, this didn’t seem, like, real—that you chose all of us, that we were doing a relationship like this, and even when I finally realized that this was happening.... I definitely didn’t think that we’d end up here.”

“What, you didn’t imagine that all of our fun and fucking would lead to Mei?” You glance back over your shoulder. She’s asleep in a little portable playpen in a clear line of sight to you.

“Something like that.” WinWin’s voice sounds strange, and it’s only when he brushes your hair back behind your ear that you look up at him. “I love you. I’m so glad that we have Mei, even if the circumstances were kinda unconventional. But you’re happy, aren’t you? With Mei, with me?”

The longing in his voice, in his touch, warms your heart, and you lean in to his touch. “I am happy, Sicheng.”

You tilt your head to look him in the eye, and then he’s leaned in and is kissing you. The kiss is soft, tender, filled with every ounce of that longing that you’d just heard in his voice. You feel positively light and warm, so you let him guide you back inside. The balcony door slides shut behind you both, and you move past the playpen where Mei sleeps soundly, back into the bedroom. You let him peel your clothes away, kissing down your neck and shoulders and chest.

“You smell like coconut,” he murmurs as he kisses down your body, nose skimming between your breasts. “Mmm, love it.”

It’s like you’re drunk on the sun-warm heat of WinWin, the summer smell of sunshine in his hair when he’s kissing you on the lips again, the way that having him inside you and all around you makes you forget that it’s the tail end of summer and not the highest hottest part. You feel so good as WinWin makes love to you, both of you fallen into this high, dreamy haze together.

Even in the aftermath, sweaty and sticky skin pressed together, you can’t get enough of kissing him, his body still tucked between your legs, your fingers tangled in his hair as he lays against your chest.

“Mmm, god,” WinWin moans softly, kissing softly beneath your jaw, down the side of your throat, and retracing his steps to your lips. You smile into the kiss, giggling a bit as the way that his fingers brush over your ribs tickles. WinWin smiles, kisses you once again, and then leans up, breaking the kiss. He just looks down at you, and as you blink your eyes open, WinWin says, “Marry me?”

“What?” You trail your fingers over his miles of exposed skin. “Like, right now?”

He shrugs. “Whenever. I love you, and we have Mei, and I just want to marry you.” He kisses you again, but you put a hand to his shoulder, pressing him back.

“Dong Sicheng, are you serious?”

The warm glow pulses all around you, threatening to collapse or explode. The idea of what he’s proposing—marriage to him, a future with him as your husband and Mei’s father—it excites you, but terrifies you in equal measure. If you say yes to him, then what about the others? It’d be like a slap in the face. You love WinWin, of course you do, but you love them too.

You think of Mark, his underprepared proposal nearly a year ago, the hurt in his eyes when you’d told him no, but the persistent hope and love, the soft way that he traces a line around your ring finger when he holds your hand. You think of Jaehyun, a man so full of love and jealousy. You think of Taeil who looks at Mei as if maybe she could really be his daughter. You think of all of them.

“I am.” WinWin sits up, breaking contact with you, and the cool air floods in against your skin. “I want to marry you, but I know that you’re not going to tell me yes. Not now, anyway. But I just thought I should put that intention out there, let you know where I see this relationship going. I don’t expect you to actually tell me yes, so don’t worry your pretty head about it too much. Okay?”

He leans in, kisses your forehead, and then he’s slipping away, dragging his shorts back up, and he’s out of the room before you have the chance to say anything.

The rest of the vacation is very nice and relaxing, even after the slight awkwardness following WinWin’s proposal. Nevertheless, by the time you’re returning to Seoul, walking through the door of the big house with Mei in your arms, her fingers tugging at your hair, you’re pleased to be back.

The warmth of the beach faded quickly on the way back to Seoul where a chill has set in as the season turns over to autumn. As soon as you’re inside the house, Jaehyun, Taeil, and Taeyong are there, cooing at Mei, offering to take her from you. She goes easily into Taeyong’s arms, and he sweeps her away, playing with her and talking at her in a sweet baby voice.

Xiaojun’s there when you go back outside to help WinWin bring in the bags, and he pulls you quickly into a hug, tucking his face into your shoulder. You wrap your arms back around him, squeezing tightly.

Your reunion with most of your boyfriends goes as such, a warm hug, a murmured “I missed you,” a passionate kiss that gets booed and noises of disgust made at it. The last reunion is with Jungwoo as he gets home late from a schedule and comes into your room to use your shower, then crawls into bed with you and Mark, snuggling in between both of you.

“Where’s Mei?” He asks, casting one leg over yours, slinging an arm over Mark.

“Jaehyun and Doyoung are hoarding her,” Mark mumbles, pushing Jungwoo’s arm away. “How did the photoshoot go today?”

“Fine.” Jungwoo sighs, turning over so he’s on his back instead of his stomach. “They really liked Shotaro.”

You look at him, at the ever-so-slight downturn of his lips. “I’m sure they loved you too, Jungwoo. Like, yeah, Shotaro’s a cutie, but you....” You bite your lip and give him a once-over. “Very sexy. Sex appeal sells more than cuteness, you know. I know for sure your fans will buy up anything that’s got you looking sexy on the cover.” He’d looked so stunning when he walked into your room, his hair and makeup still done up from the shoot, and right now it’s all gone, but he is stretched out in your bed wearing only the towel around his waist.  

Maybe you reach out to touch him then, unable to hold yourself back when he’s lying there looking so tempting.

Jungwoo laughs at the ridiculously horny look you’re giving him. “Didn’t WinWin give you any sex while you were away? You haven’t looked this needy since before Mei, probably.”

“We did have sex. Several times. Should I tell you about them?” You can’t help it if you’re horny. Maybe that’s a good sign that your body is returning to how it was before the pregnancy, your libido skyrocketing again.

Mark leans up, resting his head on his hand as he watches your hands wander over Jungwoo’s chest, watches the way that Jungwoo’s nipples perk up, the way that Jungwoo bites his lip as you pinch at one of his nipples. You start telling them both about your fun on your little trip, continuing to touch Jungwoo as you do.

Mark just watches and listens, drinking in everything that’s happening. He watches you eventually swing your leg over Jungwoo’s lap, situating yourself right over the bulge that’s risen under the towel. He watches Jungwoo strip you of your shirt and bra; he moans a little as Jungwoo loses the towel and pulls you down, filling you with his cock. Mark moans again as Jungwoo starts touching your boobs, nuzzling against them, and then closing his lips around a nipple as you grind down on his erection. Jungwoo alone of your boyfriends is really into this; the others that tasted your milk thought it was okay or thought it was gross, but Jungwoo just genuinely loves doing this, tasting it on his tongue any chance he gets.

Jungwoo laves all of his attention on one, suckling as you ride him slowly. Then his other hand rises up to your other breast, the one closer to Mark, just massaging, his fingers occasionally tweaking your nipple.

And if Mark makes any sound you don’t hear it, but then he’s right there, head in front of your chest, tongue testing as milk leaks from your nipple while Jungwoo massages. Just as the first time it had been strangely very hot to have a boyfriend breastfeeding from you, so is it now, but multiplied as you’ve got two of them doing this.

As Mark grows more confident, he knocks Jungwoo’s hand away, and Jungwoo drops both of his hands to your hips, encouraging you to ride him faster. Both of them keep their mouths on your breasts even as you start fucking yourself on Jungwoo, feeling your orgasm building, getting closer. And then Mark’s hand slips down to your clit.

The orgasm bursts like a bubble of pleasure popped.

You shudder in their arms, quaking and moaning. Mark pulls his mouth from your tit, licking his lips.

“Good, Mark?” You ask after you catch your breath. You slump forward against Jungwoo. “Did you like that?”

Mark nods, looking a little dazed as if caught off guard by how much he’d liked it. You giggle, reaching to pull him in for a kiss, but just as you do, Jungwoo tips you backwards.

He drags your legs up around his hips, fucking into you now at his own pace, needing his own orgasm after he’s felt you cumming around him. Mark falls down beside you, happily seeking your kiss, swallowing down all of the moans that Jungwoo fucks out of you.

“Mark,” you sigh, “please. Please, let me help you feel good too.” Your hand searches down his body, looking for the spot where his shirt gives way to skin, so you can push your hand inside his shorts. “Mark, mm, please.”

Jungwoo nails a spot inside you that makes your eyes roll with pleasure, your hands grapple at the waistband of Mark’s shorts.

“You want my cock, baby?” Mark rolls away from you, getting off the bed so he can strip off his shirt and shorts, and when his weight next settles beside you, he’s naked, jerking his hand over his cock. “Open up, baby.”

Mark feeds you his cock, thrusting gently at first, his tip bulging your cheek, but you turn your head, breathe through your nose and let your jaw go slack, encouraging him to use your throat.

Neither of them are much for dirty talk, but as Jungwoo’s pace picks up to almost a brutal speed, you hear him start talking to Mark about you. “God, look at her, all open and pretty and wet for us, just a dripping fucktoy for both of us.”

“She’s our pretty slut again,” Mark says, thrusting down your throat, pinching one of your nipples. “Taking two cocks at once. When was the last time you did that, baby?”

It hasn’t been that long, not that you would tell Mark that even if you could right now, but the way that he’s now fucking your face makes it a little difficult to even draw breath, let alone attempt to speak.

Jungwoo cums a moment later, spilling his load inside you, but he keeps thrusting with his thumb on your clit until you experience your second orgasm of the night. He pulls out and leaves you and Mark, not that Mark notices really, too absorbed in fucking your face, feeling you moan and gag around him.

When Mark cums, he pulls back so just his tip is between your lips, and he looks down so he can see your eyes as you suck and flick your tongue over the slit on his tip. His hips just barely press forward, only the shallowest of thrusts between your lips, and he cums over your tongue, and you can feel just a bit of his cum dripping from the corner of your mouth.

Mark moans, swearing in at least two different languages, and after a moment he falls away from you, sinking back into his comfortable spot on the bed from earlier. You sit up, using your thumb to push what you’d spilled back into your mouth. Mark looks up at you as you straddle him, as you lean in to kiss him. He opens his mouth to your kiss, and makes a startled yet aroused sound as you let his cum leak from your mouth into his. But he takes it, kissing you with his cum passed between your mouths. It’s gross and dirty, but it’s something you’ve thought about doing before; you’re just surprised that Mark’s going along with it.

He swallows when you break the kiss, sitting up just a little so you can see his face.

Mark wrinkles his nose adorably. “That was gross. Does it always taste like that?”

You laugh and kiss his cheek. “Usually.”

Jungwoo returns a moment later, looking freshly rinsed clean, and he crawls back into bed with a damp cloth to wipe your face and chest and thighs down.

“Messy girl,” he teases as he watches you wipe between your own legs at where his cum is leaking out.

“You don’t know the half of it,” Mark mumbles, but Jungwoo’s already moving back off the bed, taking the cloth with him back to the bathroom. “Filthy, messy girl. Spitting my cum back into my mouth.”

He doesn’t sound like he didn’t like it, though.

You snuggle up against Mark’s side, your cheek on his shoulder, and Jungwoo cuddles up behind you, drawing the blankets up to cover all three of you. “Goodnight,” he whispers, kissing the back of your shoulder, “You know we love you, right? That we didn’t mean those things we said.”

You hum. “But I am a slut for all of you. I accepted that a long time ago.”

Mark pets your hair. “You’re an angel. Just go to sleep, babe.”

Several hours later you wake in the half-light of dawn in your bedroom. The door is cracked open a bit, letting in a little light from the hallway, and a nightlight glows in the corner, all of this allowing you enough light to see that Mei’s in her bed sound asleep. But it takes you another second to realize that Jungwoo is gone, that Mark is sitting up on the opposite side of the bed from you whispering to Doyoung.

“Doyoung?” You mumble, rolling over fully, stretching your arms above your head. “What are you doing? Where’d Jungwoo go?”

Mark leans over, kisses your forehead. “Go back to sleep. Jungwoo just felt like there wasn’t enough room with all three of us.” He brushes his fingers through your hair for another moment, and then your eyelids sink shut again.

The next time you wake, it’s much later. The sun is shining through the windows, Mark is asleep once more beside you. Taeil is sitting in the rocking chair, holding Mei and giving her a bottle. You almost feel a sense of déjà vu to a few months ago, though back then you’d woken in the middle of the night to this similar situation.

“Good morning,” you yawn, sitting up and stretching your arms above your head. “I didn’t even hear her cry out.”

Taeil shakes his head. “She didn’t. Jungwoo said you’d probably be pretty tired this morning, so I just came in to check on her. She just woke up a few minutes ago.”

You nod, and then look around, trying to find your phone, but it’s not on the nightstand where you would normally leave it.

“Why don’t you go shower?” Taeil suggests. “Lucas ordered in some breakfast for everyone.”

“Why?” You stand up, dragging the top blanket with you to keep your body covered.

Taeil shrugs. “I think he lost a bet yesterday or something. But go shower.” He tilts his head toward the door to your bathroom. “If you hurry there might still be some left.”

So you do go shower off, and when you come back out, Taeil’s gone but Mark is sitting in bed, his legs spread in a V with Mei lying on her back between them as he plays peek-a-boo with her.

You walk over to the nightstand to grab your phone, then remember that it’s not there. So you start looking in the bedsheets, then you crouch down to look under the bed.

“What are you doing?” Mark asks.

“Looking for my phone. I was going to send my mom some pictures from the trip.” You sweep your arm under the bed, only coming out with a pair of panties you thought you’d lost ages ago. You toss them toward the wash basket and then stand up, looking around, hoping that your phone will catch your eye from somewhere unexpected. “Have you seen it?”

Mark stands up, hoisting Mei up into his arms, and instantly she’s resting her head on his shoulder in a way that is absolutely one of the most adorable things. If she loves her dad the most, then Mark is a close second tied with Jaehyun. “Nope. Maybe it’s a sign that you should be away from your phone today. Did Taeil tell you about Lucas buying breakfast? I think he got some of those bubble waffles you’ve been wanting to try.”

You let it go for the time being. You know your phone is somewhere here in the house; you had it just last night while showing the boys some photos and videos, and now you’re just not sure where it’s gotten to. So you follow Mark downstairs to the kitchen.

Jaemin and Renjun are in there when you, Mark, and Mei walk in. They stay to hang out, playing with Mei to make her laugh while you and Mark eat breakfast, and then Mark disappears for a bit, and you give Mei a bath, play with her by giving her tickles and kisses, stretching her arms above her head and cycling her legs as you get her dressed. She smells clean and perfect, just a happy ball of sunshine as you bounce her in your arms as you walk around the house looking for your phone wherever it might be.

The house is oddly quiet. Most of the guys are gone though you can hear Jisung and Hendery playing video games downstairs. Eventually you walk into the room Doyoung, Taeil, Yuta, and Mark share, though right now only Doyoung is in there, curled up on his bed watching a drama, looking sleepy.

“Hey.” He sits up abruptly, pausing the show.

“Hey,” you reply. But you don’t stop to chat, you start moving around the room, nudging aside bags and piles of clothes, flipping the sheets on Yuta’s bed with one hand, moving Taeil’s pillows around. When you turn back to Doyoung he’s watching you with a confused expression. You sigh. “You haven’t seen my phone, have you? I know I had it last night, but I can’t find it anywhere this morning.”

Doyoung looks back at the drama. “No, I haven’t seen it. I’m sure it’ll turn up. Miso probably stole it. You know your cat is a real thief, right?” He glances back over at you. “Yesterday I caught him stealing a pair of my socks, and Taeil said he thought he saw him eyeing up that handstitched baby blanket from your mom. It’s like he’s nesting somewhere in the house.” He fiddles with his sleeve, and when his phone lights up beside his thigh with a notification, a thought enters your mind.

You lean closer, reaching for his phone. “Can I just use your phone to call mine?”

Doyoung snatches his phone away. “No.” He hides his phone on the opposite side of the bed.

Mei makes bubbly noise, blowing at her lips while she clings to your shirt as you try to reach Doyoung’s phone again. He moves it even farther out of your reach.

You stand up straight, shifting Mei slightly. “Doyoung, what the hell? Just let me see your phone.”

He shakes his head. His grip on his phone is so tight that his knuckles lose all their color. The screen lights up again from between his fingers, and you can just make out the sight of multiple messages coming through. And in the silence of this standoff you hear a quiet buzzing coming at the same time from beneath his bed.

Doyoung’s not fast enough to stop you as you crouch down and dig a hand beneath his bed, coming out with your phone in your hand.

“Wow, that’s crazy. How did that get there?” Doyoung asks in a very put-on voice, his look of surprise very clearly fake.

You frown at him as you rub the screen of your phone against your shirt to clean it a bit. “Are you going to tell me what’s going on? Or do I need to look at this first?” You wave your phone, and at that moment, Doyoung reaches out and snatches it from you, hiding it right back beside his phone. “Doyoung. Seriously.”

You can feel Mei drooling through the shoulder of your shirt, but you don’t even care.

Doyoung shakes his head. “I just thought you could use some time away from your phone today.”

“Why don’t I believe you?” You readjust your hold on your daughter. “Are you really just going to lie to me like this?”

He shakes his head again, looking at you for a few long moments in silence as the phones continue to buzz periodically beside him. And eventually Doyoung sighs. He pushes away from his blankets, standing up in front of you, and then he puts a hand to your shoulder and presses you to sit down on his bed.

“The fans know about you and WinWin. Someone posted photos and videos of the two of you together on your trip. They got you and him and Mei looking like a happy little family, and this time I don’t think there’s any denying it like our team did last time.” Doyoung clears his throat. “And either that same sasaeng or a different one must’ve been outside here yesterday when you got home. There are photos of you and Xiaojun hugging. People are bringing up those old pictures and videos like they did last time. It’s a whole fucking mess, and I didn’t want you to see any of that.”

Suddenly the blurry memory from early that morning of Doyoung in your room whispering to Mark makes sense. The odd behavior of all of your boyfriends so far today, like the way Mark and Taeil had both tried to distract you when you were looking for your phone.

“We all think that you shouldn’t leave the house again for a bit. Like, fans are going crazy.” Doyoung’s hand massages your shoulder gently. “Like last time, there’s fans defending you and us, but there’s others too. I don’t think you need to see any of that.” He sinks down to kiss you gently, soothingly on the forehead. “We just want to protect you.”

You’ve been through all of this before, so this time it seems a little easier to handle. You can’t blame Doyoung and the others for wanting to keep you from seeing the things that are being said online. You even manage to keep yourself from looking at social media after you leave Doyoung’s room with your phone back in your possession. Well, at least for a little while.

Eventually you do look. You see fans talking about being so mad that sasaengs are camped out in front of the house. You see long threads full of the same pictures from before, with several more from your vacation with WinWin, plus several others that you recognize of you with the other boys over the last month or so.

You put Mei down for a nap and sit in the rocking chair beside her bed with your knees drawn up to your chest as you scroll through Twitter looking at all of this. You only get up to close the curtains over your window because even though your bedroom is on the top floor of the house and facing away from the street, you can’t help but feel surveilled. You see someone reposted some photos from one of those sasaengs that are apparently camped in front of the house, and you almost throw your phone away because you can hear that Ten, Johnny, and Taeyong just got home and those are the photos that are already being circulated.

This goes on for a few days. No statements put out by the boys or the company seem to sway the fans, and you can barely eat or sleep. You can’t leave the house. There are stalkers outside day and night, and you leave the curtains drawn on every window so you can at least walk around inside the house without feeling like they can see you.

On the morning of the third day, as the sun rises you’re sitting in the kitchen, watching Hendery sleepily eat a bowl of cereal. You haven’t eaten since about midday the previous day. You lost any appetite you might have had when one of the Dream members came home and a sasaeng nearly attempted to come in with him.

Since then their company did at least hire a security guard to stand in front of the house’s door, but your stomach is still tied in so many nauseous knots.

The front door of the house opens, sounding loud in the quiet munching of Hendery’s breakfast, and your heart sinks into the bare cavern of your belly, anxiety knotting your nerves. But then the door closes, and Taeyong calls out just loud enough for you to hear, “It’s just me.”

You hate that he knows that you’re this nervous about everything that he has to announce himself. He pops his head into the kitchen a moment later, gaze sliding from you to Hendery and then back again. He sighs at the look on your face, then comes closer. Taeyong asks, “Did you sleep at all last night?”

“Did you?” You retort. He already knows the answer, you can see it written on his face that he wouldn’t believe you even if you said yes. “No, Taeyong. I haven’t slept. Every time I close my eyes, I just think about one of them sneaking inside and coming upstairs.”

Taeyong strokes your hair. “We have the guard. He won’t let them in. He barely let me pass by.” He smiles lightly in an attempt to brighten your mood, but it doesn’t work. “Babe, I can see that you’re beyond stressed about all of this. If you need to, go stay with your parents for a while, until this all blows over again.”

“But what if it doesn’t blow over.” You swat his hand away, suddenly overwhelmed by irritation at the patronizing way he’s petting you. “Your fans have a long memory. They’re not quick to forgive either. And some of their theories online are disturbingly accurate. They hate me.”

“They don’t even know you.”

“Well, they hate me for being happy in this relationship with all of you.” You fold your arms over your chest and stare down into Hendery’s cereal bowl until you hear the sound of Taeyong walking away.

Hendery taps his spoon on the side of his bowl for a few seconds before he clears his throat. “Are you unhappy?”

You almost roll your eyes. Of course you’re not happy right now.

“I mean, like, in this relationship. With all of us.” He sits the spoon down and pulls his hands back into his lap. “I know it’s unusual and that in itself makes this more stressful. I guess, what I mean to ask is, do you think you’d be happier if this relationship were more normal? If there were less of us?”

You look slowly into his eyes. “What?”

“I haven’t really been in this since Mei was born. I think, for me, what you and I have has mostly been about sex. At least, as I’ve been thinking about it recently, that’s how I think it’s been.” He nibbles nervously at his bottom lip. “Right now, there’s a lot going on, and it’s stressful for you and for me, so maybe if I back out of this relationship it will help a little bit.”

You want to say, “Right, because piling heartbreak on top of the rumors and hate is going to help.” But you don’t. You keep quiet because maybe he’s right.

You haven’t had Hendery around much since Mei was born. It’s not like you didn’t invite him to be around, he just doesn’t come around. He’s there, but not really. You know he’d been somewhat excited about you having a baby, had been there for you as he believed that she could have been his, but once he’d seen her with his own eyes and held her in his arms, once he’d learned that she shared none of his DNA, that’s when you’d felt him withdrawing somewhat.

And you know he’s right about the sex. Yes, you’d had your romantic moments together. Shared intimate date nights, soft ‘I love you’s between kisses, and many of the things you’d shared with your other boyfriends, but truly from the start this thing between you and Hendery had been sexual. And sex with Hendery was something that you hadn’t had in months.

“I’m sorry.” You duck your head as you apologize. You’ve gone months ignoring Hendery’s sexual needs. “God, I’m a really bad girlfriend, aren’t I? You guys keep breaking up with me and telling me how good I am at ignoring you, making you feel left out. And you’re all right.”

“I’m not blaming you for that!” Hendery quickly says. “You’re busy! You’re a mom now. You have all of us to pay attention to. And for so long you couldn’t have sex after Mei, and like I said, I really feel like that was a key point to our relationship. It might sound bad to say this now, but like, our relationship has been over for months now, and we’ve just been pretending that it’s not. But I think it’s time that we finally put the end stamp on it.”

So you do, and you feel that stamp like a dull bruise on your heart.

But he’s right. Things between you and him have been over for months. Similar to you and Ten, the end of this branch of your polyamorous relationship has withered and faded away.

And as you rise from the breakfast table, hoping to go upstairs to maybe catch a few moments of sleep, you feel the instability of this whole relationship around you. You’ve lost four of your boyfriends in what feels like such a short time. And you’re afraid that they won’t be the only ones.

Ten looks ridiculous, cradling Miso like a baby in one arm, holding Mei in the other, grinning and bouncing them.

It’s been almost a week now since the rumors started up again, and they’ve died down some, but there’s still a lot of attention on you and the boys.

“Why don’t you just marry one of them?” Ten asks as you voice your worries aloud. “I mean, get married, admit that you’ve got a baby, it’s a little less than traditional but it’s not like it’s not something that’s happened before. Other idols have announced all of those things after the fact. That would get the fans to butt out, but right now they’re just being nosy, wanting to know the details of what exactly is going on. They want to understand your role with all of us. I’m sure Mark would be glad to do the honor of marrying you.”

You sigh before admitting, “Sicheng has also proposed to me.”

Ten makes a noise of surprise that startles Miso who twists his way out of Ten’s arms and drops to the floor. Ten quickly and carefully makes sure that he’s got a good hold on Mei and that Miso didn’t scrape her or anything in his escape.

Once he’s comforted himself that she’s fine (as if she wouldn’t have immediately begun squalling if Miso had caught her with a claw), Ten stares at you. “He proposed? And you said no? Also, since when do you call him Sicheng?”

“Since I realized it was weird calling my boyfriend, the father of my daughter by WinWin when that’s not his real name.”

“But you still call Hendery by his name, not his actual name. And Lucas.” Ten points out.

Your heart gives an odd little beat. “Yeah, but neither of them are my boyfriends anymore. And besides, I call Xiaojun Dejun sometimes.” You start listing off all of your boyfriends, suggesting you call them by their actual names rather than the ones you and pretty much everyone else use for them.

Ten waves his hand at you to make you stop. “You’re just doing all of this to gloss over the fact that WinWin proposed to you, and you turned him down. Do you just not want to get married or something? Is that what this is? Because that right there is a very good option: the father of your child, extremely in love with you. He’s the perfect solution to everything going on right now. Most of the fans already believe that WinWin’s definitely the one that you’re dating in the group.”

“Well, they’re not wrong. They just don’t know about all of the others. And all of the others are exactly why I can’t marry him. It’s not fair.” You thought about all of this the first time when Mark proposed, rethought it when WinWin proposed. “And can’t you just imagine what a slap in the face that would be to Mark since I turned him down? How Jaehyun would react?”

Ten rolls his eyes now. “You can’t live your life worrying about how Jaehyun’s going to react to stuff. He can be very dramatic, but I promise you, babe, he just wants you to be happy. That’s what we’ve all ever wanted for you. For sweet, sweet Mingmei.” He looks down at Mei then, making a silly face that makes her burst into giggles.

“I don’t want to get married to any of them yet. Not when I don’t know.” You clench your fists against your belly where the knots that have been there for a week still grow even tighter.

“When you don’t know what?” Ten asks, glancing up from Mei.

You shrug. “Everything. How everything will play out.”

Over the last week, especially these last few days since you and Hendery had the quiet breakup in the kitchen, things have felt so odd and unstable. Almost all of them dance around you and your feelings, it’s only your exes who seem to be perfectly fine, like Ten and Johnny. You can feel the tension in the air every time you pass one of your boyfriends, like the crackling of static electricity in the air before a storm.

You’re just waiting for the first rumble of thunder.

Weeks pass with nothing.

Then late October arrives, the days cool and overcast, but your days with your boyfriends and your daughter as she hits 6 months feel bright and sunny, watching her grow and excel every day.

But that was just the silence before the storm.

Clouds gather and the static feeling grows in the air as the silence surrounding this whole relationship breaks after so long.

Someone (“an insider” according to articles being posted online) spilled some details of the relationship, talking about how the members of NCT are all involved in some way or another with you. They don’t list your name in the articles, not that it matters because fans dig up your private information, your social media and things like that before you have the chance to prevent it.

It wouldn’t have been such a big deal, just another rumor to brush under the rug. Except that this insider had really offered up very specific details. They cite the time you went to America to join 127 on tour. How you broke up with them, only to come back a few months later and then miraculously wound up pregnant just weeks later.

The article makes it sound like you’re a gold-digging whore of the group.

You suspect that it’s a manager of the group that had leaked this info, they’re the only ones that could have had the information without spilling it for all this time. Not even any of your closest friends had known all of this.

But the article is a massive success, sweeping the internet.

And just like that, the storm you’ve seen approaching for weeks breaks around you.

Jungwoo is the first to approach you that same evening. The house has been disturbingly quiet. WinWin came and took Mei away a little while ago, telling you that you looked like you needed some time to yourself, and that he could take care of his daughter for a bit. You know he’s right. Especially when Jungwoo enters your room.

He looks like an anxious disaster, can barely get through his explanation. He cites the pressure and attention from fans on the relationship right now. The things he’s seeing online, as now fans aren’t only attacking you but are also saying very terrible things about the members. It’s destroying him.

“I love you so much, I really, really do.” Jungwoo promises, holding onto your hand so tightly that you swear you can feel your bones grinding together. “But I can’t be a part of this anymore, it’s not good for me. And, also, I just—I don’t think I’m ready to be a dad, not really. Like I thought I could be, but watching you and WinWin with her, seeing the responsibility and everything of it, I’m not ready for that. I think I’d be better as her Uncle Jungwoo, you know?”

You do. You understand. You hate it, but you get it.

Taeil comes in not too long later as you’re still wiping at the stupid hot tears that pour down your cheeks. You’re hiccuping from the force of your crying, and at first you think Taeil’s just heard you crying and has come in to comfort you. He sits down on your bed with you, grabs some tissues for you to blow your nose and wipe your face. He puts his arm around you, and you rest your head on his shoulder.

You can tell the moment when he’s about to say the words you don’t want to hear. His breath hitches as he opens his mouth, searching for the words to say.

You sit up and put a hand to his chest.

“Don’t.” You shake your head. “Please, Taeil. Don’t break up with me. Please.”

His hand covers yours, warm and soft. “Baby, I think it’s now or never, honestly.” His voice is slow and sad, overflowing with all of these different emotions. “I think that before this is all over you’re going to have to decide on one of us to be with, and I hate it, but I just know that it won’t be me.”

Those words hit like stones, and something breaks inside you as you press yourself against him, clinging, silently begging him not to leave.

This house you’ve lived in has been on such unstable foundations since the moment Lucas left you, and now you feel like the ground it’s been built on has turned to liquid. Taeil can’t leave. He’s been such a stable person that you can rely on here. You love him.

Taeil presses his lips to your hair, holds you as you cry, as you repeatedly ask him not to leave you too. But you can tell that he’s already made up his mind, signed out of this relationship, decided that the others rank higher than him, even though it’s his bed that you’d shared for so many nights. It’s Taeil that you woke up to on so many happy mornings; it’s Taeil that you’d once spent all night during your late pregnancy talking to as he touched your belly and spoke softly to your unborn daughter as she stretched and rolled, the two of you whispering together about a future that you could have together.

He holds you until you stop crying but only because your throat hurts and your nose is running and you’ve started hiccuping again. Taeil leaves only when the door opens again and Taeyong stands there.

“Oh, sorry, I can—“ Taeyong points his thumb back over his shoulder, as if he can leave and come back later. But Taeil stands up, gestures for Taeyong to take his place, and as Taeyong slides in to take up the place of the ghost of Taeil in your arms, Taeil slips out the door and closes it behind him.

You don’t even give Taeyong the chance to talk to you. “Are you breaking up with me?”

The way he goes awkwardly stiff is answer enough. A few seconds tick by, your head on his shoulder, wet cheek feeling stuck to the cotton of his tshirt. Taeyong sighs, “I don’t really belong here as much as I once did. And I think it’s far past the time we stop pretending that I do. I just think I might be happier somewhere else. You might be happier with less people in this relationship. You’re always juggling us and Mei, trying to make time to make each of us happy, but you don’t give yourself the time. I love you, I love Mei. I want both of you to have the best in life, and I just don’t think that you need me here romantically to do that.”

The words spill out of him, his thumb stroking over your knuckles as he says, “Besides, I.... I really like what I have going on with Ten. It’s easier, honestly. We understand what each other needs on some level that I just.... I don’t think you and I have ever really had. Ten’s good at making me feel small when I need it, powerful when I don’t. We have fun and can trust each other, and, like I said, I love you, but we don’t have that in the same way.”

By the time that Taeyong leaves, you feel wrung out. You’re surprised that there are still any tears left, surprised that there’s any more of your heart to break.

And then Xiaojun walks into your room. You’re half buried in your pillow and blankets. You don’t even properly see him.

“Just leave,” you tell him. “Just like everyone else.”

Xiaojun makes a noise, but you cut him off.

“Don’t. I’m so tired of breaking up, Xiaojun. Please, just, let’s get this over with. You can leave.” You turn your back on him.

“I wasn’t coming in here for that....” Xiaojun’s voice is small. “But if that’s what you want, I guess, um, I understand.”

You pull your blanket cocoon tighter around you, press your face deep into your pillow, and wallow in the darkness as Xiaojun closes the door behind him, night falls outside.

Some time passes. You’re not sure how long exactly, only that you’d heard footsteps passing up and down the stairs, doors opening and closing, showers running. The night sky visible through the tiny gap in your bedroom window’s curtains shows that it is dark outside, truly dark. You should be asleep by now, fallen into fitful dreams after the misery of the past several hours. You’d heard your bedroom door crack open a while back, heard WinWin’s quiet whisper to Mei, heard the pause, then he’d backed out of the room and taken Mei with him, leaving you to wallow in the sorrow of your breakups.

The house has fallen once more into disturbing silence when your bedroom door next opens. You can’t tell who it is right away. And then he turns the light on, flipping the switch to throw the room into blinding whiteness for a moment. You blink against it, rolling over to face the door, and once your eyes adjust, you see Jaehyun.

He presses the door shut firmly behind him, leaning back against it as he stares at you.

“Are you going to break up with me too?” You mumble, wiping your snot and tears on the pillow case. “You tired of being watched all the time? Being whispered about and shitted upon by your fans? I know I haven’t been ignoring you, so that one can’t be your reason.”

Jaehyun just sighs and pushes away from the door to come sit down on the edge of your bed. He rests his hand on your back, rubbing up and down to help you relax, but you just bury your face in your pillow again and keep crying.

This fucking sucks. You feel like your heart has been run through a shredder. Four boyfriends gone in one fell sweep, just a few hours. And you pray with every ounce of your being that Jaehyun’s not here to break up with you too. You don’t think you would blame him. You don’t really blame any of them—they deserve to live a happy life that’s not tangled in with this drama of the polyamorous relationship, your daughter, the heavy judgement from their own fans because of you—and it does make sense, but that doesn’t mean that you’re not heartbroken.

You twist your head to the side and look up at the blurry colors of Jaehyun’s face. He’s just watching you with what you think is a sad expression (but his face really is quite blurry through your teary eyes). If he’s here to end things with you, then you want to say what you have to say first, so you just say it: “Mei’s not your daughter.”

Jaehyun’s hand goes still on your back. You can feel just how tense he goes too.

“I know that.” His voice sounds tight.

“She’s not your daughter, and I know how badly you wished that she was, and now with all of this shit going on, I wouldn’t blame you if you were breaking up with me too.” You close your eyes. “You could go be free of me, go start dating some probably really hot model or actress or other idol, go make a super hot baby with her.”

“You’re right, I could go do that.” Jaehyun says it simply.

Your eyes flash open to glare at him, but he’s smiling softly at you.

“I could go do that, but why would I?” His hand starts moving on your back again. “I love you. How many times do I have to say that before you get it through that thick head of yours.” His knuckles knock gently on your forehead. You frown, and Jaehyun just laughs. “I love you,  and I love Mei even though she’s not biologically my daughter. I don’t know why you think that I would leave you just because of that.  I know when we broke up the first time it’s because I was shitty and jealous all the time, but I’ve grown, haven’t I? And regarding what you were just saying about finding a hot model or whatever to have a baby with, I have no intention of leaving you for anyone else. You are already hotter than I can handle, thank you. I have a beautiful daughter downstairs. And if you ever want any more beautiful babies in the future, I’m right here to help with that. If you don’t, then that’s okay too. We have Mei.”

Your eyes feel hot and your breath hitches in your chest for an entirely different reason than minutes before. You squeeze your eyes shut as fresh, hot tears spill over.

Jaehyun sinks down to lay on the bed right in front of you. His thumb traces over the mess of tears on your face, and you bring your hand up to the back of his.

With your eyes still closed, you confess, “I’m so afraid of what the future holds right now. I feel like you’re all going to leave me. All of you.” You sniffle, then quietly say, “But then you have to go and say stuff like that, Jung Jaehyun. Do you mean it?”

“Every word. Promise?” Jaehyun offers, his pinky finger intertwining with yours already. 

You squeeze your pinky in a loop with his, and you each press a kiss to your hands to seal it.

“Why did you think I was going to break up with you?” Jaehyun asks after a moment. “Who else did? Why?”

So you start to explain to him the past several hours in a story with pauses for you to get through your hiccuping tears, with many deviations down side tracks through history explaining why you understand their reasoning. You talk and talk, and Jaehyun listens and holds you.

And by the time the morning sun rises, you don’t really feel better necessarily, but for the moment you feel like you’re at least being held together, you feel like maybe everything going on right now does suck immensely, but you have Jaehyun here holding you in his arms, ready to shield your fragile heart from anything else that comes your way.

Adore You <- Previous || Next -> Let Me

a/n: so this is the end of Part 1 of the Finale (I’m sorry for stretching it out into two parts, but this story isn’t able to be wrapped up in less than 40,000 words apparently). I really hated writing this, like there were so many breakups and poor y/n has to go through so much heartbreak in this part :( but it was inevitable, something I’ve been hinting at pretty much since the first part of the series I’m pretty sure. Part 2 should be posted pretty soon, so I promise the wait for it won’t be so long, but what do y’all think? Who do you think she’ll end up with? Several of them or just one? 

As usual, please let me know what you think through comments, reblogs, likes, messages, whatever. Sharing is definitely super appreciated!

[inawickedlittletown]

The Blackout Arc - 9-1-1 Thoughts/Meta

I love the 9-1-1 structure of starting seasons with a big emergency/disaster and I didn’t want to write anything up until the whole arc was complete. I think they had a lot up in the air from the get go and that for the first two episodes the storylines were split in a way that gave nuance to the pace of the story and that allowed us to reconnect with all of the characters and everything they’ve been going through. They were well balanced so that even when some part of the story fell flat or wasn’t as interesting other parts picked it up. The blackout made for a good background for these three episodes, but I do think that by the third episode it doesn’t much matter that the lights are out. 

We got a focus on Eddie in these three episodes. I found using panic attacks to introduce Eddie’s concern about his relationship with Ana fascinating because out of all the characters, Eddie is not the one that we would ever expect to panic and yet he does and it isn’t about the numerous things he’s been through. It brings us back to the root of all of Eddie’s difficulties. After all, it was the loss of Shannon that once put him onto street fighting. For Eddie who was in the Army, situations where he could get injured or where he does get injured do not phase him, but the emotional things (for someone as repressed as him) that’s where he can’t handle it. 

The Ana/Eddie relationship has always been portrayed in a way that didn’t endear it to the viewer. Not enough interaction between them, them moving too fast, and Christopher’s involvement. Last season Eddie was already told by Carla that it shouldn’t all be about Chris. And I think that was the moment when Eddie started to really realize that his feelings for Ana were not as strong. But as for Ana, she was jumping right on in and look I didn’t like her because her character just wasn’t developed at all, but I think what the writers did manage to nail was her emotional investment both with Christopher and with Eddie and yet we also see that she’s smart and she can tell that Eddie isn’t all in. 

I loved the focus that this also placed on Buck while Buck is trying to figure out what happened to Eddie. Their conversations have been so vital and important and I think Eddie needed Buck to say it for him to realize that things couldn’t keep going the way they were between him and Ana. Not just because Eddie is having so many issues with it, but because to continue it on would make it so much harder on everyone involved. Ana and Christopher included.  

The other large storyline is of course Athena’s. And it is the weakest. The least interesting, and the most infuriating. The problem is that it works so hard to make cops the good guys. And as fun as it is to watch Athena be the boss ass bitch that she is, it rubs the wrong way all throughout 5.01 and 5.02. By the time that we arrive at 5.03 it’s already tiring and made worse by having most of the episode be dedicated to finishing that up. Using the autonomous zone and having Athena pretend to not be a cop to get in is all kinds of wrong too especially since this is all painted in a way that makes her actions alright because her son was kidnapped. On top of that there are parts of this storyline that are flimsy and hand-wavy such as a detective being missing for four days before anyone realized. 

The third thing that comes into focus is Maddie and her postpartum depression. It plays a smaller role in the three episodes and yet every moment is heartbreaking. And it is just such a powerful and important arc because postpartum depression is real and it isn’t easy to handle and we’ve seen Maddie in the depths of that from the start of the season. How inefficient she feels as a mother and how tired she feels as a person is so palpable and while I was surprised at her decision to leave, I completely understand. She is not fully mentally there to make good choices and yet her choice is an act of love. Love for herself. Love for her baby. In her head she doesn’t believe that she is the best thing for Jee-Yun because of what happened with the tub and how out of it she is, and maybe she’s right in thinking that in her mental state she might make a fatal mistake. I cannot fault her for taking that step back for those reasons. And I hope she’s going somewhere to get help and get better and that when she returns Chim won’t be too hard on her despite how much this has hurt him. We have to remember that Maddie has had such a traumatic life from the way she was raised to her relationship with Doug and everything that came of that and who knows how much of that plays into her depression. 

I want to lastly touch on Buck and Taylor. We didn’t see much of them together, which I guess makes sense because they’re both busy with their jobs, but in the one scene where they are together Taylor’s mind is not there with Buck. When Buck finally goes home once the blackout is over, he arrives to an empty apartment and Taylor is on his screen instead of with him. I just wonder at the investment that both Buck and Taylor are putting into it, if any. 

Overall I really enjoyed the three episode arc. The blackout was a setting that worked really well both as a metaphor and as a way to make things more interesting for everyone involved. It forced all of the 118 to stay at the station, and it made the few calls we saw them go on all that more interesting. I do think there was too much focus on the rapist and Athena but I’m also glad to be past that as the season continues although I’m sure we might see Harry, Athena, and possibly even Bobby dealing with some trauma of that in the aftermath.

[diazactually]

sleepover asks bc it's 2.30 am and i can't sleep: 5 things you want to see in s5

also: top 5 eddie diaz centric fics

wheeew this took a while because of the fic recs (you probably already fell asleep lmao sorry)

okay so 5 things i’d like to see in s5:

- eddie having a proper recovery arc reflecting on his time in the army, touching on dealing with ptsd and physical therapy

- maddie having a proper arc regarding postpartum depression and chimney being there for her as he always is while she recovers

- uncle buck!! i need to see him and jee interact (also uncle albert!!)

- them showing eddie breaking up with ana or having detailed discussions about the whys if it happens between the two seasons (i want eddie to be the one breaking up with her because he realises what HE wants and needs!)

- christmas episode with the firefam (i deeply missed it this season😭 i understand we only had limited time due to there only being 14 episodes but i wanted those fluffy firefam scenes so i’m a tiny bit bitter about that)

as for 5 eddie diaz centric fics!!

okay so i hope these are the kind of fics you meant? also i have too many to choose just 5 tbh so i went with 5 i love! :) ❤️

unfold me (tell me you love me) by @extasiswings

Until The Dancing Ends by suyari

Frequent Flyer by @redtooblack

the distance to the stars by cloudydaisies

hypertense by @thisissirius

sleepover weekend 🛌🍿

[ellelans]

Hi, I know this is so random but your thoughts are much appreciated. I think Maddie is depressed after having the baby and having second thoughts. What do you think is gonna happen with her? The synopsis for the next ep said she will make a big decision... I'm afraid...

I very much agree with you nonnie-I do believe Maddie is dealing with postpartum depression and its heartbreaking to see her like that.I don't know if you saw some of my tags,but I have personal experience with PPD as I know several women who went through it including one of my best friends after she had her oldest daughter.Her case was pretty severe so it kinda hits home a bit.Anyways back to Maddie-does she have second thoughts?Not about having a child imo,but I am sure she is struggling with fears and self-worth issues on top of being absolutely exhausted both physically and mentally.And rn she is still probably thinking that its all fine and she just needs Jee to stop crying so she can rest a bit and also trying to handle it on her own.Chim already noticed that something is going on with her and we will see more of that next week.

Maddie's big decision should be seeking professional medical help asap and imo that is exactly what will happen on the show.911 is excellent when it comes to showing rl solutions to problems and they are big fans of therapy so I won't be surprised to see Maddie in group therapy,for example.I am sure she will be fine,she went through so much in her life and she made it through and now Maddie has a loving partner who will do anything to help her-Chim will be there for her while she is getting better.

[cuthian]

Dancing in the Rain Chapter Four

Hi everyone!

Hope you're all still safe and healthy :)

Longer chapter this week, since it'll have to last you two weeks. I won't be able to post again next week due to my busy and hectic exam and work schedule now that everything is opening again here in Belgium. As always, but especially from hereon out, PLEASE mind the tags (canon-typical violence, kidnapping, angst) and if you have any concerns, please feel free to contact me (@cuthian on Tumblr).

Or yell at me in the comments.

As always, much thanks to @juulna for putting up with me and helping me whip this thing into shape.

Lots of love, Annaelle

Chapter Four

28 CELEBRITIES WHO HAVE OPENED UP ABOUT THEIR STRUGGLES WITH MENTAL ILLNESS

-        Research shows that stereotypes about mental illness often prevent people from seeking treatment or speaking out about their struggles.

-        In recent years, stars like Sophie Turner, Chrissy Teigen, Demi Lovato and Prince Harry have spoken candidly about their struggles with mental illness.

Despite the prevalence and global impact of mental health conditions, it’s still hard to open up and ask for help when you most need it. Research shows that harmful stereotypes about mental illness often prevent people from seeking treatment or speaking out at all.

Luckily, in recent years, we’ve seen a shift in the way people view and talk about mental health conversations about depression, anxiety, addiction and more have moved from the private to the public sphere. That’s not only important, but effective, according to mental health experts. In fact, when public figures open up about their own mental health struggles, it can help break down stigma, spark important discussions and even inspire people to seek out treatment.

Below, we’ve rounded up 28 celebrities who’ve spoken candidly about their own battles with everything from postpartum depression to anorexia and PTSD.

[…]

Prince Harry spoke to a therapist about his mental health after two years of "total chaos" in his late twenties.

[…] recently revealed he felt very close to a complete breakdown all the time, and faced anxiety during royal engagements before he finally began to see a professional to address his grief. Now “in a good place”, Harry has encouraged others to open up about their own struggles.

[…] started the Heads Together campaign with Prince William and Kate Middleton to help “end the stigma around mental health issues.” […] "The experience that I have is that once you start talking about it, you suddenly realize that actually, you're part of quite a big club," he told The Telegraph.

[…]

An outspoken advocate for mental health awareness, Demi Lovato is open about her battles with bipolar disorder, bulimia, and addiction.

[…] recently released a documentary about her own struggles, shared powerful side-by-side photos of her recovery from bulimia and entered rehab to address her substance abuse issues. "It's very important we create conversations, we take away the stigma, and that we stand up for ourselves if we're dealing with the symptoms of a mental illness," Lovato told Variety in February.

The singer continued: "It is possible to live well and thrive with a mental illness."

Steve Rogers, or Captain America, who struggles with social anxiety, depression and PTSD, once said he suffers from "a noisy brain."

[…] interview with Ellen earlier this year, the former Army Captain and Avenger revealed how his anxiety often kicks in when he is asked to speak for causes he cares about, or during press conferences. […] Rogers, who has tried everything from meditation with fellow-Avenger Bruce Banner to learning several new fighting styles with close friend Natasha Romanoff, said he’s “getting better”, but still has moments of self-doubt.

[…] Avenger also opened up about his struggles with depression shortly after he was woken from the ice. “The kindness that was shown to me by my friends—my team—as well as my family and my therapists saved my life,” he told Ellen. […] also shared an emotional letter about his PTSD following his experiences during World War II and during the several battles he has fought in the 21st century.

"There is a lot of shame attached to mental illness, but it's important that you know that there is hope and a chance for recovery," he wrote.

—Evan Agostini, Axelle Bauer-Griffin, “28 Celebrities Who Opened Up About Their Struggles with Mental Illness”, Insider.com, March 2016

-----------------

Avengers Tower, New York, Manhattan, New York State, United States of America

10:36 p.m., 2 April 2016

Tony

Tony was shaking a little, fidgeting, his heart beating unsteadily in his chest as he paced the floor again. He’d been hiding in his lab since this morning, because while he loved Pepper to pieces, and he was elated—re: terrified—that she was pregnant and that they were going to be parents, she was driving him fucking nuts.

At least while he was in his lab, he wouldn’t be shouted at for eating the last Oreo’s.

Pepper didn’t even like Oreos.

She didn’t even want to eat them.

Tony didn’t understand pregnancy brain, but he’d been informed by Google, J.A.R.V.I.S., Rhodey, and Cap that it was best to just not question it.

He also wasn’t sure why he was thinking about Oreos when Becca was potentially in very big trouble, and Steve had left the dubious honour of telling Thor to him. “J.A.R.V.I.S.,” he said, a little desperately, voice shaking. “You heard the man. Call everyone in.”

“I have sent an Alert to all of the Avengers’ personal phones,” J.A.R.V.I.S. replied readily, and Tony exhaled a little in relief. Someone had clearly planned this, had gone through the effort of setting half a building on fire to keep Steve distracted and get to Becca without drawing attention to what they were doing, and Tony was a little afraid to think of who they might be—of what they wanted with Becca.

He was going to do as Steve asked, though, because he would never forgive himself if something happened to Becca and he could have done something to help, to stop whatever it was.

The way Steve had sounded on the phone had kind of… scared Tony too.

He’d not heard Steve fall back to that dull, lifeless, monotone tone of voice very often, and when he had… well… it had never meant very good things for any of them.

The last time he’d heard Steve sound like that… the last time Steve had called Tony sounding like that, Tony had had to rush Natasha to Steve and Becca’s tiny Brooklyn apartment to keep Steve from doing something drastically stupid—she’d found the war hero crumpled in a heap on the floor with tears running down his cheeks and a gun to his head, begging her to just let him pull the trigger…

To let Steve stop the nightmares permanently.

He shuddered.

Yeah… Hearing that tone coming from Steve meant something.

Tony was barely holding himself back from rushing down to the lab and throwing himself into a suit, hurtling off to… to nothing. Nowhere.

He didn’t know anything yet.

Steve didn’t know anything yet.

He’d asked Tony to assemble but had left him with no other instructions and Tony knew, okay, he knew there was nothing he could do until he had more information.

And fuck if that didn’t frustrate him more.

He was stuck, wandering his Tower while his stomach twisted at the many implications his mind was set on conjuring up, each more gruesome than the other.

The elevator let out a bright ping and Tony jumped, eyeing the sliding door nervously until it slid open to reveal Natasha, dressed in a tight tank top and leotard, her hair coiled up into a tight bun and ballet slippers dangling from her left hand.

“What was so urgent, Stark?” She demanded, crossing her arms over her chest with a frown.

He waved his hands dramatically, because he was Tony Stark and if ever there were a time he were  allowed to be fucking dramatic, it would be when Captain goddamn America called him in a panic because he’d lost Tony’s little Baby-Becs, and then giving Tony a heart attack when her tracker wouldn’t work.

“Gotta get to the others first,” he said impatiently, snatching her wrist and pulling her along when he started walking again.

He led the Spider through the silent, unlit hallway, but didn’t bother asking J.A.R.V.I.S. to turn on the lights; he’d designed these hallways, he’d walked them so many times he could probably do it in his sleep—which he had a few times, when Pepper had dragged him to board meetings before he’d had coffee. The twins would likely already be waiting for them in the boardroom anyway, and after all of Thor’s dramatic appearances in the past few years—all of which had cost Tony more than a few light bulbs—he didn’t want to bother anymore.

He ignored the Widow’s cool, silent surprise and dragged her through the door, entirely unsurprised to find Wanda seated at the table in her pyjamas, spinning a thread of red light between her fingertips as she sat cross-legged in her seat, her brother next to her, lounged back in his own seat, boots propped up on his table.

“You know,” he drawled impatiently, glaring—okay maybe mock-glaring—at the silver-haired boy impatiently. “You live here for free. You could at least pretend to take care of my furniture.”

Natasha snorted a laugh and pushed past him, settling in the seat to Little Red’s left. Before the Red fucking Menace could do anything but smirk at him though, the door swung open again to reveal Bruce, dressed in an old band shirt and threadbare sweatpants, his lab coat halfway up his shoulders and his glasses crooked, almost as though he’d just rolled out of bed.

There was a single clock on the wall—for Pepper’s decorative purposes, Tony presumed—and he couldn’t quite stop himself from frowning as he eyed the clock’s hands.

10:45 P.M.

Bruce probably had just rolled out of bed then.

The other scientist had a disgustingly strict sleeping schedule.

“Why are we assembling?” Bruce groaned, rubbing his hand through his—surprisingly curly—hair, and Tony unexpectedly found his thoughts derailed from Becca and Steve to Bruce in much more pleasurable territory, fingers itching to tug on those curls and to press into Bruce’s arms, because the other scientist gave really good hugs, okay?

He’d always been a little sweet on Bruce, even if nothing was ever going to come of it.

He had chosen Rhodey and Pepper years ago, and he was pretty sure Bruce had been dating that astrophysicist girl that Thor had introduced them to a while ago anyway, but… There was a part of him that’d always be kind of weak for the way Bruce looked all adorably sleep-rumbled and soft, and the way he was one of the only people in the world that could keep up with him, one of the only intellectual equals Tony had ever met in his life.

He wasn’t going to do anything about it though.

It was a harmless crush—he was even pretty sure Bruce knew about it. Bruce was, objectively, handsome, and really fucking smart.

He hit all buttons for Tony—except that, you know, he wasn’t Rhodey or Pepper.

He shook himself, chancing one more furtive glance towards Bruce’s sleep-rumpled form before he sighed and shook his head. “Something happened at the gala,” he said. “Steve’s gonna tell us more when they get here.”

He pushed his hands into the pouch on his hoodie and contemplated waking up Pepper, but he knew well enough not to disturb her once she’d managed to get comfortable and fall sleep unless it was super urgent, and he didn’t know what this was.

What if Becca had just wandered away?

He ignored, for the moment, that her subdermal tracker—the tracker he had designed for her, for all of them, that he made sure couldn’tbe taken out unless completely smashed to bits—wasn’t working. The comms hadn’t worked in the building either; some of those older buildings were practically Faraday cages, even his tech wasn’t always good enough to get through that—for all they knew, Becca’s tracker had also been jammed.

It wasn’t worth risking Pepper’s wrath for, he thought. Not yet.

He couldn’t even call Rhodey, because he was off in Europe for the week, doing… military stuff.

Which was fine.

Tony didn’t need both of them around all the time.

He wasn’t pouting.

He wasn’t.

Romanoff snorted at him and eyed him carefully. She raised a perfectly arched eyebrow at him, but he didn’t budge—Romanoff always liked to pretend she knew everything—she probably hated that she knew no more than the others did, right now.

“You know more,” she stated simply after a few seconds. “Is everyone alright?”

Tony opened his mouth to say “yes”, to nod reassuringly, but the word wouldn’t fall from his lips. “I don’t know,” he admitted. The atmosphere in the room abruptly went from sleepy yawns to rapt attention, and Tony fidgeted a little. “The building caught fire during the gala,” he explained. “Everyone was evacuated, but Steve lost Becca in the chaos, and now… we kind of can’t… find her…”

“What do you mean, you can’t find her?” Natasha demanded hotly, sitting up straight and glaring at him. “Activate her tracker. She can’t be far.”

Tony winced and pinched the bridge of his nose. “Her tracker… isn’t working,” he admitted, looking up at the Widow defiantly. “Steve and Clint are canvassing the building and then getting back here. For all we know, she got taken onto one of the ambulances, or the building interfered with the signal. The comms were spotty too; it’s why Clint went inside with them.”

Natasha hissed, almost like an angry cat, and stood, stalking up to the large holographic screen present in almost every room in the Tower and began pulling up… documents? Tony wasn’t sure what she was doing, but she seemed intent on doing it, and far be it from him to discourage the Black fucking Widow from doing what she thought needed doing.

“Have you told Thor yet?” Pietro said, glancing between Tony and Natasha nervously.

Almost like the man was summoned by the mere mention of his name, a loud clap of thunder shook them all and the giant blond god bounded inside, his smile wide and infectious.

“Greetings, friends!” The tall god beamed, and Jesus, Tony was not in the mood to deal with Thor’s sunny personality. Christ. “I apologize for the delay in my arrival,” the god boomed excitedly, thumping down his hammer on the conference table. “Heimdall did not inform me of your request until I had finished the duties the All-Father assigned to me.”

Tony half-watched as Bruce stood to shake Thor’s hand, only to be brought into a tight bear hug, a startled squeak falling from his lips before he patted Thor’s shoulder awkwardly until the taller man set him down again and repeated the hug with Wanda and Pietro, who basically threw himself in Thor’s arms—Tony didn’t miss the pointed look Wanda shot Pietro at that.

He almost jumped right out of his seat when Bruce’s knee bumped against his, his eyes drawn to the other scientist’s immediately, because obviously Tony was a glutton for punishment and he really needed to get a fucking hold of himself.

Bruce looked a little tired, but not nearly as anxious and unsteady as Tony felt, and of course he didn’t, he didn’t know what was going on, none of them did, really—

“Thor,” he exclaimed suddenly, yanking himself away from Bruce abruptly. “We gotta… Steve called, about the gala—something’s happened.”  He ignored the way the rest of the team eyed him nervously and settled back in his seat with minimal fidgeting.

Thor’s smile abruptly disappeared and he sat, heavily, on the nearest chair. “Rebecca,” he said hoarsely. “The baby, are they—are they alright? Is Steven?”

“I don’t know,” Tony admitted, his leg bouncing erratically underneath the table. This was… he was doing something, even if it was just telling Thor, even if it wasn’t much, and that was better than nothing. Doing nothing drove him absolutely and entirely mad—and that wasn’t good for anyone.

“I don’t know a lot yet,” he continued. “The building… there was a fire, and everyone was evacuated, but…” He stalled Thor’s words before he’d even said them, holding up a hand as though to ward off the questions that were sure to come. “…Steve said they got separated during the evacuation. He can’t find her. Her tracker’s offline. She… She might still be in the building or somewhere around there, but…” He swallowed. “Well, it’s not like our trackers can be disabled accidentally.”  

Thor looked gutted, but the expression was swiftly replaced by one of utter rage.

“Who?” he demanded. “Who would dare take her from me? From us?”

Tony’s eyes widened when lightning sparked between Thor’s fingers and thunder rumbled loudly above them. “I don’t know, big guy,” he said in his calmest voice, although it didn’t seem to be doing much to assuage Thor. The crackle of electricity hung heavy in the air and made Tony’s skin prickle and thrum—the raw power rolling off Thor was… fucking intimidating, a reminder that the man wasn’t human, and that he could likely squash them all like bugs if given proper motivation—

The door swung open again and Steve and Clint walked in, and Tony nearly choked on his own tongue, because he’d seen Steve look pretty terrible over the years—in the throes of depression, bruised and beaten after battle, but…

He’d never seen Steve look like this.

There were dark circles beneath Steve’s eyes and several cuts and bruises were in various stages of healing, but Steve’s dark bespoke suit was riddled with bullet holes and splashed with so much ash and blood and Tony really hoped it wasn’t all his.

“Steven!” Thor bellowed, leaping from his seat and crossing the space between him and Steve in a few short strides. “You wear battle upon your skin, yet Tony informed me there was none. Where is Rebecca? Have you found her?”

Tony’s eyes flicked to the door again, then to Clint, who shook his head, and his stomach sank.  

“I—the—she wasn’t anywhere,” Steve finally said, his expression stony, but Tony heard the barely perceptible waver in his voice regardless, and he felt abruptly sick, keeping his eyes fastened on the door, begging for Becca to walk through at any moment, to just be there, to be okay—

Please, please, don’t let her be dead.

“Hydra took Becca,” Steve continued, and Tony’s entire world screeched to a halt for a long, tense moment, his breath punching from his lungs in a startled breath—

“Are you sure?”

“Hydra took Becca,” Steve repeated, but Tony could again hear the waver in his voice that matched the sudden nausea that crawled up the back of Tony’s throat. “Her tracker’s offline, and we came across some stragglers when we canvassed the building and the rest of the block,” Steve went on, turning his attention from Thor to the others. Tony wanted to do something, to say anything, but he wasn’t quite sure what words were for a moment there, because he couldn’t think past ‘Hydra took Becca’. “They had cyanide capsules,” Steve said. “Spitting Hail Hydra before they died.”

He took a harsh breath and looked up at Wanda. “You were right. They’re back.”

Tony’s legs gave out from beneath him as he fell backwards onto his seat. He had not even realised he had risen from his seat in the first place. “Why would they—”

“It was a trap,” Steve interrupted harshly, anger infused in his every word, but Tony could see him fraying around the edges in the way his hands trembled before Steve pressed his palms flat against the table. “It was specifically set to draw me—or us—in,” he continued tensely. “I don’t know how they knew Becca and I would be there or why they took Becca instead, but I don’t intend to let them keep her long enough to find out.”

Thunder rumbled loudly above their heads and lightning flashed through Thor’s eyes at the same time as it lit up the night outside, and everyone jumped again, turning to the God of Thunder with wide eyes. Thor looked livid, and Tony suddenly realised he had never seen Thor really angry before, not truly, not even during their most intense battles, and the sight of it was… surprisingly terrifying.

Outside, a storm unlike anything Tony had ever seen before raged, and Tony wasn’t sure what to do to calm the god down.

He was, honestly, not sure he wanted to.

Let Thor unleash his anger on the bastards who’d dared kidnap Becca.

“J,” he said briskly. “Pull up everything you can find on the gala tonight. I don’t care how many firewalls you have to bypass or how many people will know we’re looking. Just get the info.” He barely waited for J.A.R.V.I.S.’s murmured affirmation before he jumped out of his chair, pulling up a large holoscreen above the table.

“Tell us everything,” he ordered Steve as soon as he had the screen set up, whirling around to find Steve looking at him with the same kind of desperation that was burning in his own veins.

“Now, Steve,” he ordered sharply, knowing it would get through to him the quickest.

Steve faltered for another moment—which Tony guessed he could forgive him for, since he was pretty sure Steve had been up since yesterday morning—before he launched into a detailed explanation of his and Becca’s strategic plans for the gala, all the way down to the color of her dress.

Tony watched, a little lightheaded and in dire need of caffeine—or like… six 5-hour energy shots—as Steve’s plans were laid out on the holographic screen, in clear and direct terms. Clint and Thor were leaning forward, eyes flitting between Steve and the screen, and even Natasha sat, tensed, on the edge of her seat, staring intently at the screen.

His hands trembled when he swiped a picture of one of the targets to the side, and he was very much not thinking about how triggeringthe situation had to be for Becca. She’d been doing so good, and he knew, he knew his Becs was stronger than any of them, but there were limits even to what she could take. He was also very deliberately not thinking of his own issues with being kidnapped—even though he was basically an expert at it now, having been kidnapped like six times before he was even eighteen—or the way he’d found Becca in Iraq, pale and beaten on the floor in a filthy little cell.

She was important to him, always had been, even though he’d been annoyed as fuck at fifteen to be saddled with the baby at family gatherings. She was his Baby Becs and he hated the thought of someone getting their hands on her and hurting her.

He’d promised himself, the day he found her, after he’d led the Army to where she was being held, and the day he’d spent sitting by her bed after the Battle of New York, that he’d find a way to keep her safe.

It’s a pledge he felt truly shamed to have failed at.

“Wait, wait.” Bruce waved his hand slowly, pulling his glasses down his nose and pinching the bridge between thumb and forefinger and completely interrupting Tony’s train of thought. “We have good contacts in S.H.I.E.L.D. Why are we not calling them in? If we can legitimize the mission through them… Making this an official S.H.I.E.L.D. mission would make it easier, wouldn’t it? We’d have all of S.H.I.E.L.D.’s resources.”

“Because revealing that S.H.I.E.L.D. or the Avengers purposefully put active agents in that gala would have meant treading on some very powerful toes,” Fury boomed from behind them, causing Tony to nearly jump out of his skin, knocking his knee painfully into the underside of the table. “We cannot afford that right now.”

Tony swivelled around, because how the fuck did that asshole keep getting into his Tower without his goddamned permission, how did he even know—and then froze, his mind screeching to a stop as he watched Fury approach with Agent Hill—he remembered her, very pretty, badass, had a brief fling with Becca after the fiasco with Romanoff—and…

Coulson?

“Bruce, am I drunk?” he choked out, feebly patting around until his fingers found the fabric of Bruce’s shirt to clutch and hang onto. “I’m seeing dead people.” He was vaguely aware of the sound of Clint dropping his mug onto the table, but no one else said anything, and he couldn’t—

What the fuck.

“This is a whole new level of madness.” Tony shook his head dramatically. “J, call my therapist. Wait.” He frowned. “I don’t have a therapist. Damn it, call a therapist. If they’ll take me. Will they take me? Fuck. What the absolute fuck, Fury?!”

“Tony, shut up!” Steve shouted empathically, and Tony would yell back, but just then, he caught sight of Clint’s expression and oh.

Yeah.

Tony cringed. He’d only heard of Clint’s relationship with Coulson after the man had died on the Helicarrier—although not so much, apparently—but he’d witnessed Clint’s intense grief first hand. So… realising Coulson wasn’t dead after all?

Not cool.

Not cool at all.

Everyone watched, tensely, as Coulson tentatively moved  towards Clint, before Natasha suddenly stepped into his path—

That wasn’t going to end well.

“Don’t you dare talk to him,” she hissed, and if Tony had been on the receiving end of that look, he swore he would have just shrivelled up and died because damn, that woman and her icy glares.

“Nat, I—” Coulson began, falling silent immediately beneath the weight of the Black Widow’s lethal glare.

“Enough,” Fury cut in, and Tony almost wanted to pout—this was dramatic as fuck and it didn’t even involve him, for once—before he remembered why they were there and promptly felt sick, because how could he—or any of them, except for maybe Clint—have forgotten, even for a second, that Becca was missing and in danger?

“Yes,” Steve boomed, face stoic but hands clenched into fists nonetheless before he lifted one hand to point at Coulson. “Enough. You… I’m glad you’re not dead. Head’s up would’ve been nice.” He turned to Fury, and Tony was impressed by the way his expression actually grew icier. “And you… when I’ve got Becca back safe and sound, you and I are gonna have a conversation you’re not going to enjoy.”

It struck Tony then, in a moment of dizzying clarity, how much Steve was struggling to hold onto the Captain America mind set, in a way he hadn’t seen him struggle in…

God, in months.

Tony hadn’t understood, initially, that Captain America was Steve’s shield just as much as his vibranium shield was. He hadn’t understood that, to deal with the expectations people put on Steve from the moment they laid eyes on him, Steve hid behind Captain America.

He showed people what they wanted to see.

Tony could tell that, in the light of Coulson’s reappearance, in the light of Becca being kidnapped on his watch and the botched mission—Jesus fucking Christ—that Steve was on the verge of losing it though.

Tony caught Steve’s eye, and the exhausted desperation in the younger man’s eye nearly made him wince. Nearly. Tony was worried about Becca too, the frantic energy humming beneath his skin nearly electric the longer he sat still, but he was willing to concede—just this once—that Steve’s nerves might be slightly more frayed than Tony’s.

Slightly.

To be fair, neither of them was quite as badly off as Thor obviously was, vibrating where he stood, lightning continually sparking between his fingers and his eyes flashing white with each clap of thunder and flash of lightning outside. But then again, it wasn’t Tony’s girlfriend and child on the line, now was it?

God, he didn’t even want to think about Pepper and the baby being in this kind of danger.

Tony could be a good teammate and take the focus off of Cap and Thor for a bit, though.

Let it never be said Tony Stark didn’t play well with others.

Tony cleared his throat loudly, effectively drawing all attention back to him.

“Not that this isn’t fun,” he drawled sarcastically, rolling his eyes at Fury’s annoyed huff. “But I’d prefer to get back to why we’re actuallyhere.” He gestured back to the large screen, his heart clenching a little at the sight of the photo J.A.R.V.I.S. had pulled up—a picture Pepper had taken during one of the Team Movie NightsTony had insisted upon, catching Becca in the middle of a peal of laughter at something silly Thor had said to Steve—before he glanced back to Steve and Thor and steeled himself.

One of them had to keep it together.

Just figured it’d be him again. Tony never thought he’d be the stable one, but then…

Here he was.

Again.

------------

BREAKING: NEW YORK CITY HIT BY UNEXPECTED THUNDERSTORM

The torrential rains that have been ravaging New York City for the past few hours hit unexpectedly and, reportedly, entirely out of nowhere around 10:30 p.m. today. The rains and repeated strikes of lightning have yet to cause any real, lasting damage, but it is only a matter of time if it continues, according to experts.

[…] at least 46 people were caught entirely by surprise by the heavy rainfall and needed to be extracted by firefighters from a partially flooded subway tunnel. “[…] situation is, for now, under control, and we’re trying to help those that have been caught up in the storm, but the streets are flooding, and we recommend everyone to remain at home,” said Anahera Taumata, a senior official at the New York City mayor’s office.

[…] Military units have been deployed to assist emergency workers as they search for [missing] people and clear the streets for emergency vehicles. […] storm unlike any in living memory, according to local authorities. New York’s weather agency has reported up to 6 inches of rain fell within four hours, triggering several flash floods in various subway tunnels, and 4 reported lightning strikes to various buildings.

Amusingly, several New Yorkers have taken to Twitter to ask Thor Odinson, New York’s resident God of Thunder, to take the lightning and rain elsewhere. Interestingly, several weather experts have agreed that such a sudden change in the weather can only be attributed to the God of Thunder. […] no response from Thor or the Avengers yet, although the storm rages on.

[…] no reports of deaths or serious injuries yet.

—Pedro Isaac, “New York City Hit By Unexpected Thunderstorm”, DW.com, 2 April 2016

-------------

Avengers Tower, New York, Manhattan, New York State, United States of America

11:57 p.m., 2 April 2016

Steve

“This has to be a trap.”

“It’s a one-way video feed,” Tony said scathingly, glaring at Fury. “It can’t be a trap.”

The tension in the room was so palpable that it thickened the air surrounding them, making Steve feel almost like he was choking. The others were spread haphazardly throughout the room, eyeing the video feed J.A.R.V.I.S. had pulled up after receiving an anonymous email with varying expressions.

“Is there any way to trace the signal?” Bruce asked reasonably, looking between Tony and Natasha with a furrowed brow. Natasha had taken control over one of Tony’s holographic screens and had, in the past hour and a half, managed to collect a mildly terrifying amount of evidence of Hydra’s continued existence. The things she had found and was currently investigating were so immensely complicated and implicated so many people that it gave Steve a minor headache at just the thought of considering it all.

She’d managed to uncover a terrifying amount of documents, video footage, photos and other evidence, which was mildly terrifying, considering how hard it had been to find even the slightest scrap of evidence before. When Steve had asked why she was finding so much now, Nat had only muttered, “It’s easy to find things when you know what you’re looking for,” before refocusing her attention on the screen.

And yet, nothing she’d found—nothing pointed towards there having been plans to take Becca.

Except… Except that there had clearly been a plan.

The security cameras in and around the building had been masterfully and methodically rerouted to replay previously recorded footage starting three minutes and forty-three seconds before the fire alarm had been triggered until seven and a half minutes after the alarm had been triggered.

In addition to that, whoever had hacked the feed had done so at the scene—which meant they couldn’t be traced through an I.P. address.

The kidnapping clearly was premeditated, but whoever had done said premeditating had not left a paper trail for them to find. They’d not left anything for them to find, other than Becca’s glaring absence and the three trigger happy goons Steve and Clint had run into when they’d canvassed the area.

And now this dark video feed.

“I don’t care what it is,” Thor thundered, eyes flashing with barely suppressed rage. “Will it help us find Becca?” A particularly loud clap of thunder punctuated his words, making his feelings on the matter abundantly clear. Of course, the thunderstorm outside had been gaining in strength since Thor had learned of the kidnapping.

Steve winced.

After their initial explanation of what had happened at the gala, Thor had simply stood, walked out, and—according to J.A.R.V.I.S.—disappeared through the Bifrost. He’d returned not ten minutes later in full armour and with his friends, who had all immediately spread out into the city to track down whatever leads they could find.

Thor had, after they’d spent a tense few minutes watching him talk to his friends, re-joined the team in the board room, although he’d barely said three words since his return, and most of those words had been used to inform them Heimdall was also searching for Becca with his all-seeing gaze.

He hadn’t spoken to Steve directly since he’d walked in.

And Steve hated it.

He hated that he’d failed Thor and Becca so badly. He’d promised Thor that Becca would be safe, that he’d be by her side the entire time—and because he hadn’t been, because he’d decided trying to dance with the target’s date was a good idea, Hydra had been able to get to Becca.

He wouldn’t be surprised if Thor wanted to throw him from the Tower.

Steve kind of wanted to throw himself from the Tower too.  

“As soon as it activates,” Tony said fervently, nodding at Thor. “I don’t care what they’ve done to erase their digital footprints, as soon as they give us an inch, I’m gonna take a fucking mile.”

Thor nodded curtly. “Very well.” He crossed his arms over his chest and looked away, staring silently out the window into the dark storm.

Steve wondered, not for the first time, whether the sight of the storm soothed Thor, or if it made his anger and fear all the worse. It was, after all, a physical manifestation of Thor’s emotions—a blatant and palpable demonstration of everything Thor felt for anyone who cared to look.

Steve had seen Thor’s control over his lightning slip a few times over the years, but every single one of those instances had been… different.

With the exception of the two-week long thunderstorm that had followed Thor’s return to Earth after his mother and Loki had been killed, every other instance of Thor accidentally letting his lightning loose had been… if not outright funny, then certainly amusing.

It’d happened once after his and Becca’s second anniversary, when Becca had apparently done something very well—although Steve preferred not to think about what exactly she’d done so well, for his own sanity—and once after Clint and the twins had teamed up to play a prank on Thor, and the god had startled so bad he’d electrocuted the entire Tower.

Both instances had been hilarious.

There wasn’t anything funny about Thor’s lack of control now.

Steve eyed the raging storm—if it even was due to a lack of control on Thor’s part. He didn’t doubt that his friend was terrified, because Steve was too, and it wasn’t even his girlfriend, his child on the line. He wouldn’t be surprised if there was a reason Thor had decided to unleash the thunderstorm to end all thunderstorms on New York.

Maybe he was hoping to flush out whoever had taken Becca—quite literally.

Steve would be more concerned about the consequences of letting this storm rage—people could get hurt, there could be floods due to the unrelenting rain—but most of his higher brain function was too occupied with Becca to care.

While Tony, Bruce and J.A.R.V.I.S. bickered over how they were going to trace the video feed, Steve took his chance. Natasha, Clint and Wanda had their heads bent together to try to figure out why there was a video feed in the first place, and thankfully weren’t paying attention to him either.

Steve approached Thor, feeling simultaneously nervous and like he was going to get whatever horrible fate he deserved.

“Hey,” he said quietly once he’d reached his friend, leaning against the wall beside Thor.

Thor barely even glanced up at him, but nodded in acknowledgement nonetheless.

“I—” Steve tried, but his voice rebelled, and the words died in his throat. “I’m sorry,” he finally managed. “I promised you she’d be safe, and… I didn’t—I should’ve stayed with her. I’m sorry.”

Thor heaved a sigh beside him.

“Steven,” he said wearily. “My friend. I love you very dearly, and I want you to know that the only people I blame are the people that tookBecca from me, but…” He sighed again and looked at Steve with dark, haunted eyes. “I do not have it in me to reassure you right now.”

He turned away from Steve again and stared back out the window.

Steve opened his mouth, changed his mind, and then closed it again, feeling distinctly nauseated.

He wasn’t sure how long he and Thor stood there, backs against the wall in silence, before Natasha suddenly announced, “We got something.”

At the same time, Tony exclaimed, “The feed’s going live!”

Steve’s stomach dropped away and he felt distinctly nauseous as he eyed the video footage Tony had pulled up on the largest screen in the room. He pushed away from the wall and joined the rest of the team as they gathered around the screen in a tight half circle, each set of shoulders bumping into the next one over.

And there, right in front of them and yet completely out of their reach, was Becca.

The camera hardly shook at all, and the quality of the video was exceptionally high—whoever this was, Steve would bet anything they were using a professional camera, which spoke volumes about the level of preparedness of the kidnappers, at least in his opinion.

When he voiced said thoughts aloud, Natasha nodded in agreement and Tony insisted he had spotted the same thing immediately. Steve didn’t really pay attention to them, trying to focus his gaze on the details of the scene, on anything that might betray where the footage was being filmed or who was filming it—anything that might tell him where Becca was, but the backdrop was a simple, infuriatingly, undoubtedly purposefully white sheet.

He carefully refrained from looking at Becca, who sat tied to a wooden chair in the middle of the image, because he needed time to steel himself for what he was sure he’d see.

He remembered what Hydra did to the people they took.

He remembered what Bucky had looked like right after Steve had pulled him from that concrete slab in Azzano—remembered the blank stare in his best friend’s eye that never really left after.

Steve wasn’t sure he could stand to see another friend tortured by Hydra.

When he did finally look at her, she looked relatively unharmed, although she’d clearly not been handled carefully, either. Her hair had fallen from the elegant mess of braids and curls Nat had done for her earlier, and there was an ugly scrape on her forehead. She was paler than Steve thought was healthy, but when she looked up at the camera, he could recognize the defiant anger in her gaze.

“This is live, yes?” Thor demanded, glancing towards Tony, and Steve wondered if anyone else could tell just how badly Thor’s hands were shaking.

“Yeah,” Tony nodded. “Yeah. J.A.R.V.I.S. is recording and tracing the feed right now.”

He looked stricken, and though Steve felt a wave of sympathy for him.

“Well, smile for the camera, Barnes,” someone drawled on the feed, voice smug and self-satisfied even though it was clearly distorted by some kind of voice modulator.

When Becca continued to scowl at the person behind the camera, someone heaved an impatient sigh and stomped forward, roughly grabbing Becca’s chin with a gloved hand and forcing her to look directly into the camera. “Come on then,” the man—because it was a man, dressed from head to toe in black, a dark ski mask covering his face—in their field of vision spat. “Smile for your friends, bitch. Gotta say goodbye.”

Lightning sparked between Thor’s clenched fingers and jumped up his arm, and the thunder outside roared deafeningly loud.

Steve winced in perfect tandem with the others, and barely resisted the urge to grasp Thor’s shoulder in comfort. The gesture wouldn’t be appreciated right now, he was sure, and he wasn’t very sure he wouldn’t be electrocuted if he touched Thor right now, in any case. Thor certainly didn’t seem entirely aware of the light current of electricity that was dancing from his clenched fists up to his shoulders and the white that crept across his eyes—

It was, admittedly, slightly terrifying.

He returned his attention back to the screen, where Becca had bared her teeth in a bloody grin.

Steve fumed, because it was obvious she’d been slapped hard enough that her upper lip had split, which meant one of those sick sons of bitches had had the gall to hit a pregnant woman hard enough to make her bleed.

“You gonna scream real’ nice and loud for us, baby?” the male, though still unidentifiable voice taunted on the screen, shaking Becca’s chin roughly while several other voices jeered and the man in the frame cupped his crotch suggestively. Becca winced—a small, minute thing, but Steve had known her long enough to recognize her expression of pain—before she spat at the hand that was holding her.

“You and your pathetic little needle dick couldn’t make me scream if you tried,” she spat, voice strong and clear, glaring up at him.

Steve snorted a laugh despite himself, and even Thor smiled.

Unfortunately the kidnappers were not quite as amused by Becca’s innate inability to stop sassing people, and the man who stood next to Becca in the frame, who’d cupped his crotch to taunt her, slapped Becca hard. Her head whipped to the side and Thor growled as the thunder above them roared, and—miraculously, thankfully—the sound echoed on the video.

They could hear Thor’s thunder on the video.

They could hear it.

She was still in the city—whoever had taken her hadn’t taken her out of the city. And thunder had a limited sound range, at that.

Amateurs, he thought contemptuously.

Becca slowly swung her head back towards the camera, grinning that same bloody grin. “Oh, you’re fucked now,” she chuckled. “Thor. Babe. There’s only five of them. Fucking annihilate them.”

“Someone calculate how far that was,” Clint shouted. “How long was the delay?”

“Couple of seconds tops,” Tony said absently, hands moving feverishly across the keyboard.

“You insolent bitch,” the man behind the camera spat, lurching forward in a blurred movement to backhand Becca across the face once more, and Thor’s thunder howled so loudly everyone reflexively covered their ears. A massive bolt of lightning struck the nearest building and the city went dark beneath and around them.

The Tower, mercifully, seemed mostly unaffected, although there were quite a few red alerts popping up at the bottom of the screen. The video feed, too, seemed unaffected, although the lights shining down on Becca had dimmed considerably, and everyone except Becca seemed a little spooked by Thor’s outburst.

“Well,” the man chuckled, although his voice was just a little shakier than it had been before. “We know they’re watching, then. Good.” He disappeared from the frame again and ordered, “Go get the Soldier.”

Becca swayed a little against her bonds, clearly dazed by the last blow—though still with a slight smile on her face from the proof of Thor’s wrath—and Steve bit his lip nervously. Even though they knew they were in the city, that they couldn’t be far, he didn’t like that they couldn’t get to her right away, that they couldn’t bring her to the medical floor to have her checked out—

“Captain America,” the man on the video said, and Steve’s head snapped up. “You’ve been a thorn in Hydra’s side for far too long. Consider this a warning of what’ll happen to everyone you love if you continue to cross us—we know where your friends live, know that certain elderly friends of yours are particularly vulnerable. I hope you’ve enjoyed your time with Barnes while it lasted, because it comes to an end now. Hail Hydra.”

“What,” Tony said, baffled, and Steve’s stomach roiled—he might throw up; something he’d done maybe thrice since waking from the ice.

Becca had been shaking her head the entire time the man was speaking, but when she opened her mouth to say something, she seemed to spot something behind the camera and her eyes went wide, her jaw going slack. “Wh—Uncle Bucky?”

Steve, who’d been reaching for the nearest trashcan—just in case his rebellious stomach decided to stage a full-scale riot—abruptly jerked back towards the screen, wide-eyed and confused, and Becca blinked owlishly at whoever was behind the camera.

But then, suddenly, before she could gather herself, there was a commotion from the same direction she was staring into as if she’d seen a ghost. It devolved rapidly into unintelligible shouting, and before any of them had any chance to figure out what the hell was happening—

The camera toppled on its side with a loud crash, and for a second, through blurred, jagged footage, Becca’s feet were visible, before a loud bang startled them all, and the video abruptly cut out.

“J.A.R.V.I.S.,” Tony inquired shakily, “tell me you have something.”

“Why would she say that?” Steve whispered, staring at the blank screen without really seeing it, without really… without really thinking.

Why would Becca say Bucky’s name?

No one replied to him.

“I’m sorry, Sir,” J.A.R.V.I.S. responded apologetically, speaking over Steve’s whisper, and Steve felt sick. “The signal was heavily encrypted and was being bounced off servers on every continent. Even with the knowledge they were still in the city, I was not able to narrow down the location. Based on the delay before we heard the echo of Thor’s thunder, however, I estimate that they are no more than five miles away from the Tower.”

“We have to do something,” Natasha exclaimed a little desperately. “There has to be something—they’re in the city, we know they are in the city—you have to be able to find something.”

“Their lights weren’t off,” Wanda remarked from next to a quivering Thor, wringing her hands nervously, anxiously. “It was darker, but not fully dark, and I think there was a hum in the background after. They must have an emergency generator. Doesn’t that help?”

“Why would she say Bucky’s name?” Steve repeated, a little louder, ignoring the slight hysteria in his own voice, choosing to focus on that rather than the gunshot they’d heard at the end of the video, because… because…

Because she’d said Bucky’s name.

Steve was unable to ignore it or chalk it up to coincidence—he couldn’t.

He knew Becca would have known that too.

“I don’t know, Steve!” Natasha shouted suddenly, startling them all into silence. Steve stared at her with wide eyes—he had never seen Natasha lose her cool like this, and that more than anything shocked him into immediate silence and stillness. She exhaled shakily and continued in a—slightly—calmer voice, “It doesn’t matter why she said Bucky’s name. I’m sorry, but it doesn’t. What we need to focus on right now is where she is and who has her. Once we have her safely back we can look into anything she said and why she said it, but not now.”

Steve blinked at her. “Okay,” he whispered. “I’m sorry.”

He’d forgotten, for a moment, that he wasn’t the only one that loved Becca—that he wasn’t the only one that was going out of his mind with worry.

Natasha glared at him for another tense, drawn-out moment before she sighed. “It’s fine.” She looked to Thor, who was still glaring at the screen where Becca had been projected just minutes before, almost like he hadn’t even registered the commotion erupting around him.

“Thor,” she said, switching gears, her voice softening into something more comforting. “We’re going to find her. Can you meet up with your friends, see if they’ve found something? In the meantime, we can work out a search grid and work in pairs, search more efficiently—they can’t be far, so we have to make sure we get there before they move again. Maybe start on the outer perimeter of a five mile radius and work your way inwards; that’s what I’d do, and you can do it in a snap compared to most of the rest of us.”

“I’ll go with,” Steve said immediately, because his skin was crawling and he couldn’t stand sitting here and doing nothing any longer, because he knew his brain would drive him mad if he did.

Natasha nodded. “I’m going with you. Thor, with your friends—there’s four of them, yes?”

When Thor nodded, Nat smiled tightly. “Split up into groups of two. Tony, I need a map.”

Tony jerked into movement, blinking blearily but pulling up a map of the city obediently. Natasha walked up to it and indicated a ten-block radius. “You and your friend search this grid. Steve and I,” she indicated another ten-block grid, “will be searching this area. Your other two friends can search here.” She pointed again and Thor nodded sharply.

“We can search too,” Pietro piped in. “I’m fast, and Wanda can fly; give each of us ten blocks. Wanda and I can clear more than you can and faster, and that safely frees up Thor for the perimeter.”

Natasha nodded grimly.

“Be careful,” she told them after she’d indicated a good portion of the city. “Hydra will probably be looking to take you two back as well.”

Wanda bared her teeth in a snarl. “I’d like to see them try.”

With that, she slung her arm around her brother’s neck, and they blurred out of sight. Thor looked at the map intently for another few moments before he too, without words, stomped out of the room.

“Tony,” Nat said sternly, “Keep trying to hack the signal. If you find anything, any clue to narrow our search down, let us know.”

Tony nodded.

Clint settled in a corner, dragging several laptops, Starkpads and phones with him—staunchly ignoring Coulson and Fury, who were both pacing in the corridor, barking orders on their phones—and told Nat, “I’ll contact everyone I know—someone’ll know something.”

Nat nodded again before she turned to Steve. “Well,” she said, eyeing him up and down. “Suit up.”

------------------

Start from the beginning:

In Hell We Stand By You:

(1) (2) (3) (4) (5) (6) (7) (8)

Never Feel Alone:

(1) (2)

Decisions:  (1)

Dancing with a Limp:

(1) (2)

Chances:

(1)

Starting Over:

(1) (2) (3) (4) (5) (6) (7) (8)

Dancing in the Rain:

(1) (2) (3) 

Or read it HERE on AO3 :D Find the next chapter HERE on Tumblr :)

[hufflepuff-ravenclaw-reviews]

Proven Innocent Season 1 Episode 11

Trigger warning: This episode deals with child abuse and the death of a baby

We kick things off with Levi coming over to Madeline's apartment. She's expanded her Rosemary wall to include the things that they found at Sparrow Ridge. However, she can't identify some of the initials on the closet, but Levi is able to. She leaves to go to work, and Levi promises that he'll keep looking into this.

Our case kicks off when a scientist goes on TV to say that he now believes that a lot of things were once mistaken for shaken baby syndrome. This is upsetting to the lawyers because it could mean that there's a lot of innocent “baby killers” sitting in jail. Our client du jour is one such lady, whose baby died ten years ago.

She was suffering from postpartum depression, and didn't bond with her baby in the way that society deemed acceptable. She confessed to her mother-in-law that she didn't want her baby, which, as you might imagine, was then used against her in court.

In Violet's podcasts, she usually likes to use “tell your truth” a lot. However, this case was kind of the opposite, because the client had told her truth, and in the end, it got her sentenced to prison.

In court, they bring the scientist up onto the stand; he had testified about the baby having been shaken at the original trial. The prosecutor says a lot of inflammatory things, which angers even the judge, especially because there's not even a jury that she could be talking to. The judge finally agrees to let them reexamine the medical evidence after the scientist asks to take another look... if only because he doesn't want for something like this to haunt him.

As Madeline, Easy, and the client's sister are leaving the courtroom, they run into the client's now former husband and his mother. The mother-in-law starts spitting accusations, how could you do this, blah-blah-blah... but the sister gets into the mother-in-law's face and is like “you never cared about the baby! All you care about is yourself!”

Later, Easy and Madeline go talk to the scientist guy at his lab. He says that science has advanced to the point where they can now see that the brain bleed that caused the baby to die happened a good five days before when the baby actually died. This is huge, because the entire time table gets thrown out the window; the client hadn't been alone with watching her daughter on that day in question.

They go to the father to get a blood test to see if it's remotely possible that the baby had a rare blood clotting disease. He's anxious to find out what happened to his baby, if his ex-wife didn't shake the baby to death.

However, it's obviously too early for that to be the cause of death, so they're back to the drawing board. They notice that there was a weird bruise on the baby's chest. Talking with the client again, and she says that days before the death, the husband had been taking the baby to the doctor and they'd been in a fender-bender. It probably wouldn't be enough to hurt an adult, but for a tiny baby? The client says that the car needed some body work done on it following that.

While all of that's going on, Levi goes back to Sparrow Ridge to look around some more. As he's looking at the door with all of the names and tally marks, he notices that the cobwebs are blowing in some breeze. He pulls the cupboard away from the wall, and discovers a room with an old mattress on the floor. He brushes the dust off from the wall and finds a sun with the letter R in it.

And because we need to have our Bodie subplot... He talks with his girlfriend about how she just brought her nephew over like that. She seems to think that he's not ready to have this kind of relationship, calls him an overgrown manchild, and storms out. We'll get back to this later.

Madeline and Violet go to talk to granny; Madeline seems to think that she'd rather talk to them in the privacy of her house rather than to be dragged into court and made to testify. The granny scoffs over the accident having caused harm to the child, and says that she'd slept through the entire thing. She goes on to say that since she and her son were taking the baby to the doctors when the accident occurred, following the accident, they continued on to the doctor's appointment. There, the doctor examined the baby and found her to be in good health without even so much as a bruise. Which doesn't make sense, because, as mentioned there was a weird bruise across her chest... almost like from an accident.

Bodie and Easy, meanwhile, go talk to the ex-husband's son from his first marriage. He was like 8 years old when this happened, but according to granny, he was at boarding school and hadn't really been around his half-sister much. So they track him down to the university library, where they're surprised when he says that he's working. When they question him about his family's money and how they own half of the university, he says that he's not on good terms with either his father or his grandmother.

On the way out, Bodie tells Easy about his girlfriend's nephew. Easy tells him that you can do all of the right things, and still end up living in a hotel room. He seems to think that Bodie would make a good dad for the exact reasons why the girlfriend stormed out: because he is a manchild, and that would make playtime the best. However, he tells Bodie that he can't make this decision for Bodie.

Later, the first wife comes in. She says that she was forced to sign an NDA about not airing the family's dirty laundry. However, Easy and Madeline sort of coax her into pointing them into the right direction. She tells them that the grandmother would physically abuse her son. And as if that wasn't bad enough, she knows that granny had broken her son's arm; that's when they got divorced.

They don't show finding out corroborating evidence to support this, just Madeline and Easy going to confront the ex-husband about all of the abuse, that granny could have been the one who hurt the baby. The husband is obviously upset over the entire thing, because he loves his mom. However, Madeline is quick to point out that he clearly wants to get to the bottom of this as much as anybody. He confesses that his mother hurt him, but Madeline reminds him of his son's broken arm. “Horseback riding” my ass. He insists that granny loved her granddaughter... but Easy also points out that he's sure granny loves her son and grandson, too.

This leads them to the family pediatrician. He refuses to just hand over the files, as you might expect, and says that the baby's files are filed away somewhere, since she's dead now, and the case has been closed for a while. Violet accuses him of stonewalling them, and Madeline says that he's clearly covering up child abuse and never reporting it. They leave, but Madeline says that they'll be back with an order for those files... and somebody else will come and take away his medical license.

This causes granny to storm into their office later, all in a huff. However, Madeline and Easy aren't daunted by her huffing and puffing with little to actually show for it.

Levi goes to Madeline's that night with the information of what he'd found. On top of the hidden room, he found out who owns the house. It's some long Sanskrit name and one part of it means “sun”. Madeline read a lot in prison, and she was very drawn towards eastern religions. And it fits with the sun that Levi found in the other room. They talk about it for a moment. Madeline remembers how Rosemary had seemed to be obsessed with losing her virginity... and at the time, Madeline had thought that it was just college stuff. However, now she's certain that it has something to do with this cult.

They mull over on who that they can talk to. The gothic chick is out, because Heather has scared her into being silent. However, Levi points to one other chick and says that she sent him a Christmas card in jail once; she seemed to think that he was innocent.

So he goes to talk with her. She's reluctant to talk about it, but eventually says that some guy named Robbie was the charismatic cult leader. He filled her with a sense of spiritually... and when she was in high school, where people are already struggling to figure out themselves, it was kind of a big deal.

She goes on to say that Rosemary was the favorite, and it pissed former favorite, Heather, off something fierce. She says that she won't talk anymore shortly after that.

Later, as the team is going through the medical records, they're fuming that the doctor was not only hiding the records of child abuse and not reporting them, but if he'd made any reports at all, he'd clearly destroyed them. However, there is something in the ordinary check-up report worth noting: the son had gotten a flu shot the weekend before the baby had died. Which stands out because granny insisted that the grandson had been at boarding school when the baby had died.

They go back and talk to him; he's still reluctant but gives in after a while. He says that he was home that weekend. Granny had asked him to watch the baby while she'd gone to use the restroom. The baby had been crying and crying and he'd kicked the highchair. She'd hit the wall pretty hard.

He testifies about this in court. And not only that, but also about the abuse that he'd suffered at the hands of granny... but also about how granny had told him to keep quiet about having hurt his little sister.

The judge frees the client. And as granny tries to sneak out, the judge says that if it wasn't for the statute of limitations, she would have granny arrested for child abuse, neglect, and covering up a crime. However, the court of public opinions will punish her as they see fit.

As the newly freed client leaves the courtroom, her ex-husband comes over to talk to him. As you might imagine, neither the client nor her sister want much to do with any of their specific brand of bullshit. The client, however, does tell her former step-son that none of this was his fault; it was a combination of an accident mixed with granny being a horrible person. (Meanwhile Granny is slammed with reporters outside. Haha. Court of public opinion indeed.)

Later, Bodie invites his girlfriend and nephew over, where he attempts to do a hand-shake-fist-bump with the kid, and then invites him to eat the spread of junk food he's laid out. He tells his girlfriend that being involved with this case has told him that having poor role models turns kids into horrible monsters as adults. So he wants to be a good role model for the kid. The girlfriend likes this and they kiss... much to the kid's displeasure.

And Bellows? What's he been up to this episode you ask? At the end of the last episode, he'd ordered a search of the lake. He's opting for drones, since they're more “discrete” than divers, but as his wife is quick to point out, more expensive. His wife also slams him because he's using campaign funds to pay for all of this, which I hope that I don't have to tell you is ILLEGAL. Bellows doesn't give a shit about what might happen if he fails to find anything, or if it all turns out to be a dead end... he's got blinders on that only say one thing: MADELINE SCOTT KILLED ROSEMARY AND HAS GOTTEN AWAY WITH IT.

As you might imagine, they finds all sorts of neat junk at the bottom of the lake, and any one of them could have been the possible murder weapon. His campaign sugar daddy (Yes, because that's what he is) comes in to complain about this, but Bellows points out that the sugar daddy had told him to find new evidence about Madeline's guilt. Bellows takes out this old camping lamp, and says that it matches the indentations on Rosemary's scull, and the metal fragments from the lamp also match those found in Rosemary's brain.

Bellows calls in Heather, and asks her about the lamp. She seems shocked about the entire thing, and kind of scared. She then says that she saw Madeline carrying the lamp the night of Rosemary's murder, right after Madeline and Rosemary had had a fight.

This leads Bellows to send police to go arrest Madeline.

Okay, so theory time: considering what Levi found out from the other cult member, about the things that they were doing in that cult, as well as the put-out feelings Heather had about Rosemary suddenly becoming Robbie's number one... On top of Heather's shock and horror upon seeing the lamp... I'm guessing that Heather is the one who actually murdered Rosemary. And it was all out of jealousy. It would also explain why Heather keeps lying about the entire thing, and why she's so insistent that Madeline and Levi must have killed Rosemary. She's covering up her own guilt, and Madeline and Levi just made handy scapegoats. She was probably afraid when they got out, and even more afraid when Bellows produced the lamp.(But we shall see.)

[calderwoodrp]

☆ VIVIAN BANCROFT

introduction –

NAME. Vivian Lucille Bancroft  PRONOUNS. She/her AGE & BIRTHDATE. 28 | July 1, 1991 HOMETOWN. Calderwood, CA NEIGHBORHOOD. Carlysle City Center OCCUPATION. YouTuber and Owner of Extrav-Event FACECLAIM. Shay Mitchell 

story –

[ cw: cancer, death, postpartum depression ]

The Bancrofts have been in Calderwood just as long, if not longer, than some of the so-called founding families. The name was once considered synonymous with sycophant but now more closely aligns itself with the influential. Once upon a time, they would lick the boots of those above them - the Carlyles, the Whitmans, and the like. They were new money, at this point in time, and they were only fit to be the right hand men of the rich and famous. But, being the person privy to all the details of those wealthy and powerful proved to be vital in skyrocketing their own power. They became the puppet masters of the town, pulling strings that cause change, or stagnancy, in Calderwood.

The most recent generation of Bancrofts are no different. Charles Bancroft has been the chief of staff to the mayor for as long as anyone can remember. He stood behind Stanely Buck for much of his career, but as he felt the wind shift in Carin Delarosa’s favor, he quickly changed his stance. He backed the new mayor, becoming a stand in campaign manager when hers fell through - and if Charles had anything to do with his downfall, no one is saying anything about it. Though he only works on the local scale - officially, anyway - most around town take his word as the word of God. He was a taste maker and jet setter in his own right, similar to his second wife, Louisa Bancroft, nee Santos.

Unlike Charles, Louisa focused on swaying the hearts of others, rather than the minds. She inspired some level of fear, similar to her husband, but she had a softer touch. People adored her, which was just the way she liked it. Her husband pulled the puppet’s strings and she yanked on their heartstrings. She was the unofficial event planner of the town - if anything more than a child’s birthday party was happening in Calderwood, Louisa had her hands on it.

Charles has two children from his previous marriage but he and Louisa had Vivian shortly after getting married; she was the final child for both Charles and Louisa, which proved to be a good thing as she was a notoriously difficult child. She was constantly throwing temper tantrums as a baby and perfected the art of making her nannies cry well before her fifth birthday. At her core, she was an attention seeker, and with parents like hers, attention was difficult to come by. Her father was busy man, with no real desire to form a bond with any of his children. Louisa, on the other hand, wanted desperately to form a connection with her only child, especially after the postpartum depression that had caused a rift between her and Vivian. This, however, proved to be rather difficult for Louisa and she had Vivian didn’t develop a decent relationship well after her infancy.

It wasn’t until she was six years old that Vivian grew closer to her mother; the damage was already done though. While they loved each other there was a rift that seemed impossible to mend. Louisa was smothering at the best of times and Vivian was desperate to earn her mother’s love and approval. This resulted in Vivian following after her mother as she planned and orchestrated events. Vivian fell in love with parties - the lights, the music, the feeling of euphoria when everyone fawned over what a perfect night it was, the luxury she was exposed to and that her family provided. She knew that she wanted to be just like her mother when she grew up. After a while, she had become her mother’s shadow during events and the planning that led up to them. She bonded with everyone involved in the process and by the time she was thirteen, she was booking the caters for her mother’s parties herself.

The school yard was her playground - she easily bent people to her will, collecting friends as she went. She clawed her way to the top of the social food chain, earning her title of Queen Bee. School work was a bit harder. She didn’t take to most of the work very well and she wasn’t accustomed to having to work for anything. So, she didn’t work for it; for a little while at least. She could only deal with people talking down to her and her father’s disappointed glare at the dinner table on the rare occasion he would join them.

She forced herself to pay attention, to take notes and ask questions after class. She still had her pride - she refused to look stupid in front of her peers. She taught herself what her teachers couldn’t explain to her, with some help from one of the few friends she saw as her equal. Many of her friends, or the girls who claimed her friendship, didn’t really care for her - not that she blamed them, she didn’t really care for them either - but Emmeline was different. Vivian couldn’t put her finger as why that was and every time she thought about it, she would a fluttering in her stomach that she didn’t really want to address. Unrecognizable feelings aside, Emmeline helped her get her grades up immensely. Of course, she cared much for the aesthetics of creating notes and a planner than she did actually acquiring knowledge.

By the time high school rolled around, Vivian had cemented herself as the local queen bee. She had also just started her own YouTube channel, Color Coded Hot Mess, jumping on the chance of even more attention. With the prompting of her friends and her mother, she uploaded videos about her mother’s events, modeling her clothes, showing off the meticulous spread of her notebooks and planners - say what you will about Vivian but she has impeccable highlighting skills, both makeup wise and pen wise.  She quickly gained followers and became addicted to the small scale fame she had received. As more social media was developed, and she grew up, she expanded the brand she had crafted for herself.

When she graduated high school, there was no question of if she would go to college. Her father had been talking her up to the admissions at Stanford since she was born, which she never really cared for. However, if she intended to keep living in luxury on his dime, she was going to attend nearly all her family’s alma mater and she was going to have to pretend to like it. College wasn’t horrible; she was a Bancroft, which meant something around the school, allowing her to climb up the social food chain without much difficulty. She studied English and Business, the former thanks to Emmeline showing her the joys of Virginia Woolf and Jane Austen, and the later thanks to her father’s pressing.

She graduated from Stanford with relative ease, in part thanks to her desire to appear perfect for her growing number of followers and in part thanks to her father’s checks to her professors. She had planned to take a year off, “studying art” in Paris ( read: getting drunk and dick ) but all that was called off when she was told, only a few days after her graduation, that her mother had been diagnosed with ovarian cancer. Vivian canceled her trip and immediately returned home to Calderwood.

With her mother out of commission and Vivian desperate for any kind of outlet to distract herself from her mother’s depleting health, she started to take over as Calderwood’s unofficial event planner. A few months after she returned officially to the town, she moved out of her family’s estate in Winslow Hills and bought her own place in Carlyle City Center. It was there that she finally put down the roots of creating her own event planning business, Extrav-Event, with her mother’s blessing, of course. She threw a massive New Year Eve party in conjunction with the mayor’s office. Her mother was the guest of honor, her health taking a turn for the better. For a while, it seemed like everything was perfect.

However, nothing lasts forever. Her mother’s cancer returned with a vengeance, taking her life only a few months later. It was the first time in her life that she ever saw her father cry. Charles Bancroft, ever the stoic and impersonal man, had a bit of a mental breakdown after he lost another wife to cancer. It took a few weeks for him to leave the house but when he did, he emerged even more closed off than he was before. Louisa tempered his crueler nature, but with her gone, there was nothing holding him back. He lashed out at his children and pushed himself into his own work even more than usual.

Vivian attempted to steel herself after her mother’s death but still has difficulty doing so. Her mother was strong in her own right and while Vivian tried to mimic her as a child, she was much softer than anyone else in her family. With her mother gone, she’s almost become her mirror image - the operative word being almost. She was meretriciously put together like her mother was, appearing to be just as cold and strong as Louisa was in life. Vivian was strong, in her own way. But there was still a part of her that her father would call childish, a part that yearned for attention and fame and affection and love from a family that hardly ever expressed emotion. She’s thrown herself into her business, attempting to lose her own grief in the lights and music that she fell in love with in the first place. She’s taken more care than ever to cultivate an image of perfection on her social media, hoping that the validation she gains from there will fill the hole that was left behind with her mother died.

WRITTEN BY INGRID. SHE/HER OR THEY/THEM. EST.

[citrinemama]

It took three months, but I finally hit the wall.

The wall of 'why can't my baby stop crying?' The wall of 'I'm so tired I can't function'. The wall of 'why am I the one that has to do everything?'

I'm very blessed because I don't have to do everything. My partner is stepping in where they can. My mother-in-law loves being Grammy and is glad to take the baby for a few hours each week. My sister is coming to stay with us overnight a couple times this month. There are so many people at work and in my community that are more than happy to hold my baby while I get things done. I am so incredibly blessed.

But that doesn't mean it's not hard. It doesn't mean I'm not drowning in the constant feedings and diaper changes and rocking or pacing so that he finally falls asleep.

I love my child. I love my child. I love my child.

But it's still hard.

It's hard to take care of his every need, and make sure the house is livable, and make sure that there's food in the house, and take care of my needs, and somehow be my usual cheerful self in the midst of everything.

For three months I made the claim that I had the opposite of whatever postpartum depression is. I had so much energy, and I was happier than I'd been even before the pregnancy.

And then the three month mark hit, and it feels like I've slid into a pit of depression. It's hard to find the motivation to do anything, I'm constantly tired, and life just seems so bleak all of the sudden.

One of the worst parts is my little-t trauma makes it so incredibly difficult to ask for help. My asshole brain tells me that I'm not supposed to need help, that I'm supposed to be able to do all of it on my own. None of the individual tasks are particularly difficult, you just need to pull up your big girl panties and deal with it.

(Did you hear my mother in that? I sure did. And she wonders why I don't ask her for help.)

My son's cup is small, but he can't fill it on his own. It takes people pouring water out from their cups in order to fill his, and I'm the one that pours out the most for his sake.

Somehow I'm supposed to know how to refill my own cup. Somehow I'm supposed to ask people for some of their water. Somehow I'm supposed to manage my mental state on top of everything else I'm supposed to manage. Honestly, it just kind of feels like one more task on top of my already mountainous pile.

One day I'll be able to look back at this time period and be grateful. One day I'll be able to look back at fond memories of holding my firstborn as he falls asleep. One day I'll forget the despair the same way I've forgotten the pain of labor.

But today is not that day. Today I am drowning in the sea of postpartum depression.

[allthingsteenmom]

WHERE ARE THEY NOW: CATELYNN BALTIERRA

Cue 2009 and 16 & Pregnant coming to our TV screens featuring a pregnant 16 year old from Michigan: Catelynn Lowell. Cate was dating her middle school sweetheart Tyler Baltierra and when we met them at 16 weeks pregnant they were already discussing adoption. You see, neither Cate or Ty were in the most ideal situations with Tyler’s dad Butch using drugs and constantly in and out of jail and Catelynn’s mother April an unstable alcoholic. 

Nowadays, things are a lot different for the couple, and we have seen them go through a lot on Teen Mom and Teen Mom OG. We have seen the couple struggle with the adoption of their first daughter Carolyn (Carly), born in 2009, who they technically have an open arrangement with and are supposed to meet every year (although as we’ve seen that doesn’t always end up being the case). Tyler proposed to Catelynn in 2012 and then again in 2015 just before the couple welcomes their daughter, NovaLee (Nova). Later in 2015, the couple released a book: Conquering Chaos, and went on to get married that August. During this time, the couple was also working on the development and launch of their children’s clothing line: Tierra Reign. 

As if all of that wasn’t enough, Catelynn was also struggling with severe postpartum depression, on top of some depression and anxiety she had already been dealing with. In 2016, Catelynn suffered from a miscarriage, and shortly after she entered short-term residential treatment. Shortly after coming home, she went back for a second short stay. At the beginning of this year, Catelynn announced a third stay in treatment, shortly before Tyler’s 26th birthday.

The couple have now been married for a little over three years and are currently expecting a child. As now-26 year old Catelynn says, "It was a huge shock at first. We were not planning it, especially after the miscarriage and how I went downhill with my mental illness...We were going to wait a really long time. We were using protection and everything and still got pregnant. This baby just wanted to be here. It was very unexpected. This baby is our rainbow after the storm. I'm super excited.”

IN MY OPINION, CATELYNN AND TYLER HAVE HAD ONE OF (IF NOT THE MOST) EMOTIONAL STORY LINES OF THE ENTIRE FRANCHISE.

[songketalliance]

Child Rearing Duty is Not Just Women’s

“Why is society or the employers less accommodating of a man’s role in family matter? Does it not seem like this indicates men are less important when it comes to child-rearing?”

A contribution by Sri Akmarlisa

I recently was called on at work for my “excessive tardiness” in the past few months. I admitted my failure in meeting the company’s policy, and made a solemn commitment to improve my attendance. Of course, I didn’t miss a beat to highlight to them that my work performance has not been affected despite that.

In my unit, a man is outnumbered by women at 1:7.  Except for one lady, the rest of us are married. It is very common to have someone being away from work every once in every few weeks. There’s clinic appointments to take a child to, taking a day off at short notice tending to sick kids or husband (!), or managing some emergencies at home. To make up for the office time we took to run personal errands, we regularly stay back during lunch or after office hours to catch up on work and deadlines. At the local clinic, you get to see that it is mostly mothers who are there.

It is very rare that you find a father who brings his child by himself.

Women are expected to take a bigger responsibility to perform duties related to their household and the family’s welfare regardless whether she has a day job or not. I noticed that it is more acceptable for women to be excused from work for such reasons, more so than if it is a man. However, we are also expected to perform as well as the men do at work, hence the expectation to compensate for the lost time. Not that I’m saying this is not a good thing for us women, being the stronger sex. We are capable of meeting expectations that women, indeed, can do it all.

Issue of Paternity Leave was brought up in the Legislative Council in 2013, and again, in this year’s session. Within a space of 5 years, there is still no provision on this issue. Women get 15 weeks of maternity leave to recuperate and bond with their baby. It is disheartening that fathers are most often left out during this vital period. This is the time where women are generally at their most vulnerable state, physically and emotionally. Even being around for a week or two to help with the newborn and catering to your wife’s basic needs such as preparing her herbal bath and meals, makes a difference towards her speedy recovery. Having the husband around to help means she can focus on getting the rest she deserves after the labor, not only for her body, but to her mental being as well. Did she not already have to put up with the changes to her body and hormones during the nine-month pregnancy?

Maternity Leave, contrary to popular opinion, is not “siok”, particularly for the first few weeks. You can’t go anywhere or do anything you like within that 15 weeks (including two weeks before your due date), as compare to for example, going on a leave for holiday or a break from work. Having a new baby means a drastic change in your routine and the family’s dynamic. You may think that Postpartum Depression only affects women, but men can suffer from it too.  Such is the strong effect a child-birth can have, and having each other around for physical and mental support is very beneficial for both parents, and the marriage.  

Most companies do not grant this special leave for fathers, thus requiring them to use their annual leave entitlement instead. Not all companies are generous when it comes to giving annual leave entitlement. Some men have to resort to taking unpaid leave if they have to take more than what they’re entitled to, or used up a big chunk of their leave for the whole year. Some companies only allow a week off for its employee.

It was mentioned that in Brunei, a married couple is still very close to their extended family. This means that there are a lot of helping hands available to take care of the newborn and the mother. Hence, it seems that introducing Paternity Leave is not essential. I have heard of mothers who will take leave from work to take care of her daughter who has recently given birth. Again, the duty of giving primary care post-birth, falls on other women. 

What is the father’s role here? Even if you can afford to hire a help, why should it relieve the father from taking care of his wife and the newborn himself?

Why is society or the employers less accommodating of a man’s role in family matter? Does it not seem like this indicates men are less important when it comes to child-rearing? Why are men’s role reduced as a sperm-donor only, or that their place is to be outside, at work? In Islam, it is obligated for a husband to provide for his wife with meals, clothing, shelters, personal care and medical expenses which is known as nafkah wajib. If the husband has already provided for all the above in accordance to his means and the family’s social standing, should that excuse him from assisting in household and parenting duties?

Thanks to equal opportunity in education and work in Brunei, women contributes significantly to the household earnings. As such, the burden to provide the nafkah is not as heavy on a husband who has a wife who works. However, it does not relieve him from this obligation. So is it not also fair to get the men to also perform the household chores that are generally done by women? We know how rushing for time it can be for women, right from the moment they wake up, to returning from work in the evening, minding the children, cleaning up, performing solat, and on top of that, making sure dinner is served by a certain time. Ask the married women around you, and you will notice how this sentiment of “I wish my husband helps more” echoes almost from every single one of them.  

It is high time that Brunei and its law-makers realize that inclusivity of both genders is important in raising a family, and to act on it. We want men to have the opportunity to give more than the bare minimum when it comes to being involved in bringing up their children, and being hands-on in taking care of the family’s welfare. That, regardless how many thousands of money a husband handed in to fulfill his nafkah’s obligations, it does not defer him from his duty of managing the housework.

The higher up a man goes in his power and position at the workplace, he should not take the easy way out of hiring others to perform his fatherly duties. It is not right that it is only the women are expected to take time away from work to tend to a new born or a sick child, when the father is just as perfectly capable in dealing with their children’s well-being. 

A contribution by Sri Akmarlisa

Ladies, contribute your stories for March’s theme ‘Month of Women’! E-mail us at hi@songketalliance.com with your ideas or article.

Like Songket Alliance on Facebook and follow us on Twitter.

[blackrosesfanfic]

Chapter 158

Chris

"You have to go out of town when?" I ask Trey.

"Friday."

I look at the calendar on my phone. "In 4 days. You coming to Cali?"

"Naw. New York. It's a day trip. I'll leave Friday night and be back by 3 I think."

"I'll be in New York in 4 days." I say lying but adding it to my calendar.

"Yeah?"

I kiss Sevyn on her neck. "Yeah. So what you doing right now?"

"Waiting for Caden to pee."

"Say what? You make being a father sound disgusting."

He chuckles. "They say if he pees without a problem he is healing properly. If that is the case we get to take him home in two days."

"2 days? Shit man. I need to be there in 2 days." I say looking back at my calendar.

"I'm excited to hear that. I had a private conversation with the therapist about Cammie. She says our method was unorthodox but it worked. She wouldn’t have recommended forcing her away from the hospital. She thinks that Cammie is far from having postpartum."

"That's that depression shit, right?"

"Yeah."

I nod. "That's good. You sound like you not really happy about it."

He yawns. "I'm fighting my sleep."

"Nigga I'm sure you don't have to watch his dick to see if he pee."

"Bitch." he laughs slightly. "I'm trying to wait for Cammie to come back."

I text my manager to see if I could get my days changed around. I know I said that I didn't want things piled up but now I need my time for something more important. I feel like I need to be there when the baby comes home.

"Trey?" I snap. Silence. "Bitch ass."

I hang up the phone then kiss Sevyn. She swings her arm at me. I call Mama April. I wanted to talk to somebody about the good news.

"Hey, Chris."

"Hey, Ma. You talked to Trey?"

She blows. "No, is he upset about me not being in Atlanta?"

"No."

"Okay, good. So what's going on with you?"

I stand in front of the mirror. "I'm good. Great. So you ain't hear the good news. Word, let me tell you. Caden just got out of surgery. Trey waiting on him to pee."

She screams. "They... Already. How did it go?"

"I guess good. Trey waiting on him to pee. If he does then they taking him home in two days."

"Chris!" April yells. "Thank God!"

I nod. "Yeap. Cammie doing good too. Therapist says she not even worried about Cammie having the depression thing."

She sighs. "I was so worried about her. Oh Lord. I'm so happy. Let me get my ass to Atlanta."

"Where you even at?"

"Trey don't worry about me like that no more. I'm in Virginia at this store. Had to do a few things. I haven't been here in a while."

"He all into Cammie."

She chuckles. "I used to hate Cammie, you know."

"Did you?"

"I was waiting for Trey to mess up so I can say I told you so."

"What happened?"

"She came to my house and wowed me. Loved her ever since. You know it was only a short while that I hated her. A few days. I thought she was fake but that's just Cammie. Still that blonde perky girl."

I shake my head. "Naw, Ma. Not that pregnant girl."

"Well, yeah not pregnant. I mean nobody can be perky pregnant."

"What kinda gift you getting?"

She takes a while to think. "I don't know. I was looking through his room and he has everything he needs. Even tiny diapers."

"I'm thinking a bear with his name."

"Do you know his name?"

I laugh. "No."

"Caden Elijah Neverson. Don't forget about my jealous Prince. He likes gifts."

"I got Lane. I know what he likes."

She sighs. "I'm so happy. Let me get a flight back to Atlanta. When will you be in Atlanta?"

"I'm coming tomorrow more than likely. Just in case he goes home early."

"My baby coming home. Let me go Chris."

I smile. "I'm not stopping you."

"Love you. And thank you."

"Love you too."

Sevyn look at me. "Who the fuck you on the phone with making plans?"

"Mama." I say showing her the screen. "You hear so good you missed the part about the baby going home."

"I didn't hear shit about a baby. Who baby?"

I make a face at her. "Who else I care about?"

"What?" she sits up. "When? Oh my gosh."

"Two days but Imma be there tomorrow."

She smiles lying her head down. "I know my baby happy. I'm so happy for her. I love her fucking life."

"I told you we can make our own."

"It doesn't matter Chris. I will forever love her life." she giggles. "That's my trophy bitch."

I get on top of her. "You my trophy bitch."

She yawns. "I have a show tomorrow."

"Damn, what time?"

"You go to Atlanta. I'll be there afterwards."

I kiss the middle of her lower back. "I'll do it. You know I'll leave for them."

"Good cause if I didn't have a show and you did. I would leave your ass."

"I have something to go to tomorrow then I'm going." I rub her ass. "With or without you."

She pushes me. "Aren't you supposed to be somewhere? Get ready, Man."

I turn to the clock. "Oh shit. I forgot."

  Cammie

Lane jumps on the bed as I read the story. It was about a dog who found his way back home after being lost. Lane seemed as though he wasn't paying attention but if I try to skip a page he comes over to look at the book. April said it's his favorite. I didn't think he really knew the damn story.

"The End." I say finally.

"The dog happy?" Lane asks getting in my face.

I nod. "Yes, because he made it home and had his favor bed and food waiting for him."

"And he eat the food?"

"Yes he did."

Lane goes to get another book. "Read this, Mommy. Or this?"

"Why do you suddenly give people choices?"

"This one?"

I nod my head. "Yes."

He puts it back. "No, you want this one. K, Mommy?"

"Okay."

"Mommy, this my bed?" Lane ask touching it.

I smile. "Yes."

"Thank you."

"You something else."

He gives me the next book to read. "Mommy, I want some..."

"Some nothing." I say while he think.

"Cookie." he says ignoring me. "Come on, Mommy."

Before I could say anything he slides off of the bed sure that I would follow. I sit the book down then get up. He runs out of the room. I speed my walk up. He would be climbing shelves if I don't hurry up.

"Lane, I'm happy that Caden coming home." I say.

"No, not, Mommy."

"Yes I am."

Lane cuts his eyes at me. For the first time I realize that he is playing. Oh my gosh. I'm sitting here thinking that he is being mean to Caden because he is small and new. He isn't. He is treating Caden like he treats Trey. Why didn't I realize that? I give him two cookies. He runs back out of the kitchen headed for his room. I take my time getting back there. Trey suggested that Caden and Lane share rooms. I think that's too much for someone who is three years older than their sibling. He isn't going to want to share, not everything.

"Mommy cookie." Lane says sitting it on my lap after I get on the bed. "Daylan cookie."

"Who is Daylan?"

He laughs. "I me."

"You Daylan?"

"Yes."

"What is my name?"

He bites his cookie. "Mommy."

"What's my other name?"

"Mommy." he giggles.

I reach for his stomach. He shields it and laughs really hard. He won't say my name but he says Trey's name as a joke. He turns over on his stomach laughing. I rub his back lightly with my nails. He wiggles away from me.

"You Jayla." he says at the foot of the bed. "Cammie Mommy."

"You think you smart?" I reach for him.

He jumps into my hand then starts beating it up. "Mommy."

I grab him bringing him to me. "I love you. Do you love me?"

"Yes." he yells jumping into a hug. "I love Mommy!"

"You just not calming down are you?"

He picks up the cookie then bite it. "I eat you cookie."

"Did you?" I kiss his neck.

"No, Mommy."

I hug him while he eats the cookie. I love my baby so much. When I had him I felt like I couldn't love nobody more than I love him. Caden changed that. I can love somebody, no more, but just as much. I need to focus on Trey. I love him but in the back of my mind I feel like it won't last. I don't want to be hurt by him. You know, at the end of the day he is a entertainer and I know the life they live. I hug Lane. I don't want to think about that. I just want to think about this man that loves me unconditionally.

"Cookie all gone."

"That's fine. I don't care if the cookie gone."

He starts rubbing his eyes finally. I'm going to make sure I'm here when he wakes up. He might know I'm waiting for him to go to sleep to leave him. He starts whining.

"What's wrong?"

"I want Uncle Rollie."

I pick him up and carry him to Rollie. He is sitting in the den watching TV.

"You don't think it's cold in here?"

"No."

I sit Lane on his lap. "It is. Let me get a blanket."

"What happen to waiting til after? I'm not dealing with that."

"He wanted you."

"Solider Puppy." Rollie says holding Lane away from him.

Lane fights him. "No, not."

Rollie chuckles then let him clinch to his neck. I leave out to get Lane a blanket. When I come Rollie is talking to him low. He giggles sleepy and attempts to play. It is in vain. His eyes close. He opens them looking at me.

"Mommy."

"Lane." I say spreading the blanket out then lying down next to Rollie.

He huffs. "Y'all making me hot. Get off me."

I get closer to him. "You take it."

"Where your man?"

"I hate you." I say hitting him. "You had to drag me?"

"You were acting bratty. You already know how it is. That's not the first time I dragged your ass somewhere."

I poke out my lip. "You make me sound crazy."

"Yo, you got this nigga on some other shit. You know that?"

"I know he love me."

Rollie shakes his head. "You that man last bit of sanity. I think if you leave him he gonna be like Michael Jackson in a few years."

"On drugs? He has his kids."

"Yo, I know he done aborted more babies than the abortion clinic. Those kids never had a chance if you weren't their mother."

I shrug. "I'm not going anywhere. That's all irrelevant."

"Good cause I think I like him."

"Really?" I smile. "That makes me happy inside."

He yawns. "I think about moving to LA a lot."

"I'll move to if you do. Trey would love that."

"Don't do much talking yet. I do like Atlanta."

I smile. "I'll just be spending more time at our LA house that's it. Nothing to tell."

"Okay."

"I'm going back to my youngest and hubby."

"You driving? You look tired."

"No, I'm calling the car." I say getting up. "Love you, Rollie."

He lies back with Lane on his chest. "Love you too, Baby."

[thegirlsinthefirehouse]

Descendants, Chapter 41

-----

“Angie has promised Patty that she will go back to school,” said Holtz to Abby a couple of days later while sitting at the dinner table. “I think Patty will call her every day to make sure she adheres to that.”

“I wouldn’t be surprised if she doesn’t go visit and make sure she does her homework,” said Abby. She was in the kitchen cooking when Holtz came back upstairs. After a week and a half, she had taken to going into the lab for little bits of time. Abby had held back on going into work, so to speak. She could still monitor their social media stuff from her tablet, and Erin would send her stuff through email and text. Plus they would wander upstairs themselves to come hold Eliana for a few minutes to give Abby a break. It was driving her slightly stir crazy not doing much outside of their home, but it was what needed to be done. The first two weeks were the worst in terms of getting anything accomplished with a newborn. Abby hadn’t gotten much done in the way of housework or cooking since coming home from the hospital and Holtz was taking care of what needed to be done with a little help from Erin. It seemed like Eliana was always in the need of something. But she had managed to get her to sleep for a moment and was working on making chicken Fettuccine Alfredo for dinner. It was just a jar sauce and dry noodles and frozen chicken, but it still smelled good and she wanted some comfort food. The garlic bread smell coming from the oven was making her stomach growl.

“Laundry?” she asked Holtz.

“Done and put away,” said Holtzmann. “You were out like a light.” She paused. “We go through a lot of baby clothes.”

“And spit up cloths,” said Abby. “I swear the other day I had a pile of eight in just a couple of hours, all used.”

Holtz sat down at the kitchen table. “The trials and tribulations of bringing up a newborn human, I gather.”

“If I had to do this at 20, I probably would have killed someone,” said Abby, shaking her head while stirring the sauce. “I can’t even imagine going to school and doing this.”

“And weren’t you dating someone too at the time? It could have been a possibility.”

“Oh geez. Sam. Yeeeeah, no,” said Abby, shaking her head. “I don’t even want to go there figuratively. Although it makes me wonder if Erin would have stayed if I had been dealing with a two year old.”

“Would you have even written the book?” proposed Holtz. “Babies and toddlers need a lot of care.”

“That’s a good... question,” shrugged Abby as she turned off the pasta. She paused before taking it off the stove.

“But that’s another figurative place I’d rather not go to.”

“At least let’s go to the place where there’s pasta and Alfredo sauce,” grinned Holtz. “I’m hungry.” Abby rolled her eyes at her wife and finished draining the pasta. -----

"Abby, I think this place is clean enough," said Patty from the couch. "Your parents are not going to care about anything with this little thing in their arms." Eliana was cooing and squirming at Patty, who went back to teasing the baby with her fingers.

"I know, but part of me is itching to do something," said the brunette. "I want to be working." She let out a deep breath before sitting down beside Patty. "I know Erin's gone with the new kids and I'm just... jealous."

"Mmhmm," nodded Patty. "I can assure you though that Erin is just as jealous of you as you are of her if that helps." Abby started playing with Eliana's little hands.

"A little, but then it makes me feel bad because I know this is something she really wants." Ellie made a loud noise and gestured with her little fists, which they had started to take as a sign that she wanted one of her moms instead of being held by one of the other Ghostbusters. Patty handed the little girl back to Abby, who rocked her carefully.

"She wants to go to sleep, I think," said Abby. "She's getting particular about things.”

"Babies do," said Patty. "Cheyenne said to tell you and Holtz thank you for the flowers. They brightened up her work day."

"She went above and beyond with dinner. I thought Holtz was joking when she said she was going to get Cheyenne to cater," Abby stated. She smiled, thinking of her wife. "And on top of that, she went to your office and played with Ellie for a while so we could have a quiet meal. It was sweet."

"Those eclairs were good, weren't they?"

"Oh god, the best," said Abby. Patty grimaced, looking at Abby.

"But are you good? Holtzy was telling me that you've not been handling some things well."

Abby sighed, feeling the world on her shoulders for a few seconds. "It's not... I know it is just my hormone levels going back to normal and the stress... I don't know. I guess I thought I'd have this kid and go back to work, sort of like what dads used to do. I know it was my choice to breastfeed instead of formula and... I don't know. She's just so... needy. And she seems to love for me to do things more than she does Holtzmann."

"You are more familiar to her," agreed Patty. "But Holtzy is getting in a lot of bonding time. She just has to get a little older and need a little less. It'll come."

"I know," said Abby. "It's just how I feel." She looked down at Eliana, who had drifted off in her mother's arms. "I can't shake it sometimes."

"Don't let it fester," said Patty. "That sort of thing will eat you alive Abby. Postpartum Depression is serious."

"Trying," Abby responded. "Sometimes it's hard to get Holtz to understand."

"She'll listen," said Patty. "Even if she can't." Abby nodded before looking down at Eliana. They both heard the sound of a car pulling into the garage below them.

"And it sounds like Mom and Dad Yates are here," grinned Patty. She cooed at the asleep Ellie. "Looks like you couldn't stay awake long enough for them to get here."

"I'm sure Mom will make sure she wakes up," said Abby with a sigh. "You going back to work?"

"Got a lecture this afternoon," said Patty. "You know those gypsy graves Erin and I went and looked at? Turns out they were members of a group that was thought to be lost. They were secret carriers, and members of the Lăutari Clan. They traveled between the U.S. and Europe bringing information during WWI. No one ever suspected traveling musicians. I got in contact with the Romanian embassy and they helped direct me to a professor in Bucharest. We've been exchanging information, and she directed me to another professor right here in New York. He wants to take over his classes for the day."

"That's great Patty," said Abby. "You stumbled upon something, huh?"

"It's interesting to see how they managed to sneak in things," said Patty. "One even carried notes and maps in a secret compartment on the back of his violin."

There were footsteps on the stairs which sounded like the stomp of Holtz's boots.

"And it sounds like I need to go before the family reunion," Patty said as she stood. "Have fun."

"Thanks," said Abby sarcastically. "Sure you don't want to stay? We would always enjoy the extra company."

"Nope!" said Patty. "I'll let you and Holtzy do this all by yourself."

-----

Cynthia Yates had wandered into the kitchen about three in the morning. She had already gotten a glass of water when she noticed Holtzmann sitting on the couch with Eliana in her arms. She and Doug had already spent most of the evening holding their new grandchild. She couldn't get enough of her new granddaughter. She was in love already and knew they would have to make an effort to make trips to New York more often.

"Shh," said Holtz as she approached the living room in a whisper. "She's just about asleep."

"Woke you up crying?" Holtz nodded.

"Came out here so she wouldn't disturb Abby," said Holtz. "She needs the rest, and I suspected Ellie wasn't hungry."

"She just wanted attention," said Cynthia, looking at Eliana's small face with a smile. "Sometimes babies just get lonely."

Holtz rubbed her daughter's cheek. "She misses being in the womb where she wasn't alone."

"Something like that," said Mrs. Yates. "They need constant assurances that someone is still there for them."

"Don't we all," stated Holtz. She could hear Ellie breathing softly.

"She's beautiful Jillian," said Cynthia after taking a drink of her water. "You and Abby are going to raise a smart and talented little girl."

"Abby will," said Holtz. "I'm probably going to break her." She made a face, scrunching up her nose. Cynthia shook her head.

"You're not going to break her. Children are more resilient than you think."

"That is very true," said a voice, chuckling. "I definitely would have broken one if that were so." Holtzmann looked up and saw Doug Yates standing not far from the couch. "I might not have been as careful as I should have."

"Abby and Austin turned out perfectly fine," said Cynthia, looking up at Doug. He took a few more steps and wrapped his arm around his wife's neck. She patted it before giving his hand a quick kiss. "You did well."

"Taking a few years off and raising the kids was one of the best decisions I made," said Doug. "You're definitely not going to break her, Holtzmann." They all three heard the small squeak of a door.

"And why is everyone having a family meeting at 3:23 in the morning?" complained Abby, wiping the sleep out of her eyes as she stood in the doorway of her and Holtz's bedroom. "And without me?"

"Only time we can talk about you is when you're not here," teased Holtzmann. "I was just about to tell your mom and dad about that feminist magazine that found out we were expecting and wants to write a story about us being in STEM fields, finding love, and raising a child together."

"Really?" asked Cynthia. "Sounds like it would make for a lovely article."

Abby groaned. "And more fodder for... whatever group that wants to turn what we have into a bad thing."

"But it's also a good thing," said Doug, going over and hugging his daughter. "It could inspire some people."

"Maybe," agreed Abby, leaning into her dad. "But for now, could we take this moment to inspire some more sleep before breakfast?"

"Nah," said Holtz, moving Ellie around in her arms. "I need to catch up on the latest Yates family gossip."

"And I need to hear more about your friends starting to adopt or take in children," said Cynthia. "I think Patty and her wife will be wonderful foster parents."

-----

“Okay,” said Abby, looking at Holtz. She had just fed Eliana, who was sleeping away in the sling across Holtzmann’s body. “Are you sure you’re going to be fine?”

“Pfffft,” said Holtz as she looked down in the sling. “We got this, don’t we Ellie?” Abby didn’t look too convinced. Eliana’s appetite had increased recently, and feedings were longer and getting more on demand than on the clock.

“Abs, seriously. We’ll be fine. You’re only going to be gone a couple of hours. Ellie has two loving aunts who can help out, and you did pump some extra milk just in case of traffic and construction or the beginning of the zombie apocalypse. We’re good.”

“I just need to see Mom and Dad to the airport and pick up a few things,” said Abby. “It shouldn’t take me long.”

“Flight plan has been logged,” said Holtz with a salute. “Your parents are already waiting downstairs for the cab. You’re cleared for takeoff.”

Abby wrung her hands for a moment, knowing the minute she walked out the door, something was going to happen. She just knew it. She was conflicted for a second. Holtz sighed loudly.

“I will get Kevin to come up here and hoist you over his shoulders and make you go.”

“Like Kevin--”

“Might I remind you of that time you got really drunk after that one really difficult bust that brought back some old nightmares?”

Abby whimpered, preferring not to think of those events. She huffed.

“Fine, I’m going.”

“Bring home the stuff to make cheese steaks for dinner.”

“Yes Mom,” said Abby, rolling her eyes at Holtz, who grinned happily.

“I am, and don’t you forget it. Ellie, wave goodbye to Mommy.” She picked up her daughter’s hand and waved it. “We’ll be fine Abby.”

“I know. It’s just--”

“Bye Abs.”

Abby breathed deep and started for the door. Once it shut behind her, Holtz laughed.

“Your Mommy is way, way overprotective,” she said to Eliana. “But I guess I can’t blame her if I had been carrying you inside of me for so many months too.” Holtz swayed a little, enjoying feeling her daughter so close to her body.

“You and I are going to have fun, Ellie.” Holtz waited a couple more minutes, then headed for the staircase. She peeked her head inside Patty’s office but didn’t see her. Holtzmann went on down to the first floor and saw both Patty and Erin sitting at the conference table. She knew the new team was out on a mission and it was only the four of them.

“She gone?” asked Holtz.

“Just went out the door a minute ago with her mom and dad,” said Patty. “Nearly didn’t make it huh?”

“God, she was trying everything to not go,” said Holtzmann, carefully sitting down in a chair before adjusting the sling so she could take a now awake Ellie out and lay her in her arms instead. “You’d think she was permanently attached to the place.”

“It has been a couple of weeks of cooling her heels here,” said Patty. “And a lot of baby time.”

“Which is why I need to push her out the door,” said Holtz. “So she’s not driving me stir crazy.”

“Wasn’t that what she said about you a couple of weeks ago?” Erin said, smirking.

Holtz made a face at Erin and held her daughter upright against her chest so her head and neck were supported. She started using her hands to make her daughter’s legs dance on the table. Patty and Erin both chuckled as Eliana soft-shoed on the shiny surface. She was somewhat fascinated by what her mother was doing with her feet.

“Hey Erin, pull out your phone,” said Holtz. She reached into her pocket and pulled out her own.

“What? Why?” said Erin, reaching for hers. Holtz grinned.

“We’re making a video to send to Abby.”

-----

Abby heard her text tone go off. She had been trying to hurry after she had taken a little longer in the bookshop she had stopped in on her way to grocery store. She hoped Eliana wasn’t getting fussy on Holtz yet.

“She’s probably getting hungry,” sighed Abby as she stopped to check her phone. But the text hadn’t come from Holtz, but Erin. And it included a video. Abby realized she was standing next to a Starbucks with few free outdoor tables. She sat down her bag from the bookstore and hit play on the video. She was confused for a second before she recognized the conference table. She groaned when she saw Holtz’s gloved hands guiding their daughter’s tiny feet down onto the surface. She was wearing little red and white Vans Holtz had found and insisted Eliana needed. She almost started laughing when a little card was placed in front of the camera that read:

For Mommy.

Eliana seemed to be rather enjoying when *NSYNC’s Bye Bye Bye started to play and Holtz started making her little arms and feet dance. Abby held a hand over her mouth, trying to keep from laughing and crying. She could hear Erin and Patty laughing in the background of the video. Holtz’s own dance moves were questionable, but she was pretty good at coordinating little newborn limbs. Abby did start laughing when a little baby hand was pretending to open and close like in the dance from the music video. She put a hand over her heart.

“Holtzmann...” she said out loud, shaking her head. She watched till the end of the video where Holtz had Eliana wave bye-bye and who coincidentally let out a huge yawn before closing her eyes. Abby texted her wife.

So this is what you’re going to do with our child while I’m out. - Abby

It didn’t take long till Abby got a reply back.

And she’s sleeping like a baby. Doesn’t even know you’re gone. - Holtzmann

Abby almost wanted to be sarcastic and say something about how much she was really needed and that Ellie was a baby, but instead, hit play on the video one more time. She smiled through the whole thing. She started to close it out when she heard a voice.

“Noooo... play it again.” Abby looked up surprised and saw two female Starbucks wait staff standing behind her. One of them had a hand over her mouth like she had been shocked she had spoken.

“It’s so cute,” gushed the other, picking up where her friend had left off. “Is that on YouTube?”

“No, it’s my wife and newborn daughter,” said Abby. “They’re apparently having fun at home.”

“The baby is yours?” gasped the waitress who had first spoken. “So cute! How old is she?”

“Almost four weeks now,” said Abby, feeling bewildered. “You were... watching?”

They both looked sheepish.

“Well, I saw and I pulled her in,” said one of the waitresses as she pointed to the other. “We had come out to clean the tables.”

“We’re sorry!” said the other, still looking sheepish. “We can get you a coffee?”

Abby felt a little weird that they had been watching over her shoulder, but free caffeine...

“One more watch for a coffee?” she offered.

“It’s a deal!” said the waitress who spoke first. Abby laughed to herself and hit play.

-----

“Oh Dad, you need to see these,” said Holtz. She had dragged him into her lab after he had come to meet his grand baby. He had been through the flu and a cold and had not wanted to get the baby sick so soon in her life. So he had stayed at home and Holtz had sent lots of pictures and video. The weather had held back Abby’s parents a couple of weeks too as Michigan and the surrounding area had a couple more snowstorms to round out the season, as did New York. Holtzmann had been a little relieved about it all. It had been a little rough at first, trying to adjust schedules. They had a few stumbling blocks here and there, but Eliana was starting to get into the groove of the whole life thing. She really liked to play, which Holtz had been proud of since she had often played with Eliana while she was still in the womb. She also loved to hear Abby read to her. It didn’t matter what it was, just as long as she could hear her Mommy. Even her just reading her emails and bust summaries was interesting.

“What have you built now?” said Dean Holtzmann, chuckling as he followed Holtz into her and Jen’s shared lab. Although Holtz had enjoyed Jen’s company, she was going to be glad to have everything back in the place where it should be.

“I haven’t shown Abby yet,” said Holtzmann, humming to herself as she pulled out two large boxes from the back of the lab space. “So...”

“Not a peep from me, I promise,” smirked Dean. He watched as she pulled out a mini-proton pack which looked very similar to the ones his daughter and their team worked with.

“Why am I not surprised?” he laughed. Holtz put it in Dean’s hands, turning it on. It lit up with LED lights.

“Please tell me this doesn’t work...” he began. Holtz rolled her eyes.

“Hit the button on the proton wand.”

He did so and laughed when multicolored bubbles came out of it.

“That’s brilliant kid. You might want to patent it and sell it.”

“Nah,” Holtz grinned. “One of a kind prototype. At least, for now.”

“More grand babies?” he said, looking at his daughter bemusedly.

“Let us get through this one first,” she said, opening the other box. This one was a little larger than the other. She took out a little handmade car and sat it on the floor. Dean was surprised. It looked exactly like the Ghostbusters vehicle.

“Is that...”

“A walker,” said Holtz proudly. “And as Ellie gets older, it’ll be a pedal car she can ride around in.”

“That is cute,” Dean said, smiling. “And smart. Although I don’t know about my grandchild riding around in a mini-hearse.”

“Then you probably don’t want to hear that she came home from the hospital in the full sized one then.”

“No, but I do want to see these baby dancing videos that Abby says you keep on making for her and the others and not sharing or posting.”

----- Erin had come upstairs to talk to Abby about transferring files to the new team once they had gotten settled when they heard a scream from downstairs. It was not long after they heard feet stomping up the stairs.

“It’s official,” said Patty after getting to the top. “Cheyenne and I have our first foster child!” She was still holding onto her phone in a firm grip even though she was slightly shaking. “He’s 13, loves to read, and is big into science. He just lost his mom. I hate that for him.”

“No dad?” asked Erin. Patty shook her head.

“Not in the picture. And no living relatives.”

“Damn,” grimaced Holtz, going and leaning against the arm of the couch. She had followed Patty up the stairs from her lab.

“Patty and Cheyenne will take care of him,” said Abby, getting up from where she had been sitting and talking to Erin and hugged Patty. “Congratulations.”

“It’s a big step,” she said. “But this is what we both want to do.” Abby nodded.

“When will they bring him to you?” asked Erin, getting up and hugging Patty as well.

“Two weeks,” said Patty. “They’re trying to place him quickly since he has nowhere to go. He’s already staying with a neighbor who had sat with him from time to time while his mom was at work.”

“Sounds like you need to get busy then,” Erin added.

“There’s so much we’ve got to do,” said Patty. “They said they’d bring all his things from their place, but I feel like we need to have him something new to welcome him to our home...”

“TV and video gaming system,” piped up Holtz. “He’ll be the happiest teenager.”

“Probably would be the best option,” agreed Erin.

“It works for Holtz,” gestured Abby at her wife. Holtzmann stuck her tongue out at her. A cry interrupted them.

“I’ll go get her,” said Holtz. She headed over to the nursery. Abby sighed, scratching her shoulder.

“I had just put her down...”

“She wants in on the good news,” said Erin. She looked over to Patty, who shook her head.

“Still haven’t heard anything from her.” Erin nodded, biting her lip.

“I kind of got the impression that Sondra might have wanted to keep her grand baby the last time we talked on the phone.”

“Yeah, I was afraid of that too,” said Patty with a grimace. “But there’s still adoption, right? And you did your home study.”

“There is that,” said Erin, trying to smile.

“They really did like you and David,” Patty said sadly. “It’s just... you know, family...”

“I get it,” said Erin with a nod. “I wouldn’t have the heart to accept when I know Deandra’s mother would want the child.”

“Maybe you’ll hear something soon,” offered Abby. She looked over when Holtz brought Eliana over to the group. “Until then, you can borrow ours.”

Erin laughed at that as Holtz nodded vigorously. She deposited a crying Ellie into Erin’s arms. <– Prev | Next –> 

[avaalons]

Chris Evans Fic: His Girls Episode 2 (Young and in Love Part 5)

Just be warned that the following deals with issues of postpartum depression.

All parts to this series:

Young & in Love

Part 1: Beard & Glasses & Pushed Back Hair

Part 2: At Some Point

Part 3: The Dogs Aren’t Allowed Upstairs

Part 4: His Girls Episode 1

Part 5: His Girls Episode 2

***

After settling Annie in her crib, Chris had checked on you and had found you starfish style on the bed, still wearing your dress with your heels on and your make up, but completely passed out on your back on top of the comforter. He had hoped that would be the case. His mind had been overflowing with questions when you stumbled into the family room but he also knew that it wasn’t the time to be starting something that was potentially going to lead to an argument. He’d wanted to gauge your reaction to him, and to Annie, and he’d been left feeling more than a little confused.

Approaching you, his socked footsteps muted by the thick carpet, he noticed how in sleep he felt like you were more the woman he knew. More vulnerable maybe, and with the mask gone, your brow was furrowed. Clearly, even the alcohol wasn’t dulling whatever was bothering you now that you were out cold.

‘What’s going on with you, baby girl?’ He whispered to himself defeatedly, feeling more than a little hopeless and powerless now that he had seen your strange demeanour with his own eyes. Chris realised that he’d half-hoped his mom had got it all wrong, but he too had felt like he was stood in a room with a stranger.

Nevertheless, he set about making you as comfortable as he could without disturbing you from sleep, starting with your feet. He undid the thin ankle straps of your shoes and slipped them off, massaging your soles slightly to stretch out your toes and stop the muscles from cramping after being at such a high gradient all evening before standing them up in a pair in the empty space on your side of the closet. Next was your jewellery, carefully and methodically he removed your bracelets, necklace and earrings, all of them pieces that he’d given you over the years either bought for special occasions or just because. Like the shoes, Chris returned the jewellery back to its place of belonging, finding some strange comfort in being able to do this, knowing that not everything in his life or his home was now a mystery to him.

Having decided that your dress could stay where it was as its loose swing design and thin material weren’t going to cause you too many problems, he retrieved the thickest, softest blanket he could find from the trunk at the end of the bed. Pulling it over you from your feet, he covered you up, only stilling his movements when you shifted towards him, rolling on to your side and pulling your knees up, curling inwardly on yourself. Confident that you were still fast asleep, he tucked the blanket around your form and slowly sank down to perch on the mattress next to you, in the cove you had created with your legs, running his fingers lightly over your forehead and stroking your hair out across the pillow.

There had always been so much love between you. He adored you, and you him, of that he had always been sure. He remembered how nervous you had been to tell him that you were pregnant and couldn’t help but wonder now if those nerves were less to do with telling him and more about having a baby in general. But if that was the case, you’d never let on during your pregnancy. Chris sat, wracking his memories of the last nine months, trying to find something that he might have simply overlooked at the time but that would easily explain all of this strangeness away. He came up empty.

Leaning forward slowly, he pressed a gentle kiss against your cheek and whispered against your skin, ‘Hi sweetheart - you’re right, I have missed you. I always have done and I always will, because I love you, you know I do, more than I can put into words. But this time I’ve come home and I still miss you, because I’ve not actually seen you yet. I don’t know what’s happened in the two weeks I’ve been gone, so you’re going to have to help me out a little here, okay?’

After sitting in silence for a few more moments, replaying the heartbreaking moment he watched the mother of his child not even acknowledge her own daughter and wondering how he was going to fix this, he rose wearily and padded to the bathroom for some painkillers and a glass of water before leaving them on the nightstand next to you, figuring you would need them in the morning.

Ensuring he had the monitor, he descended the stairs and moved through the house, checking the doors and windows were locked before letting Dodger out of the utility, who was excited to finally be reunited with his human.

‘Sorry bud, had some things I needed to take care of. You’ve been so patient, good boy.’

Chris ruffled his dog’s fur and rubbed his belly before indicating for him to follow him upstairs. In the nursery, Chris settled in the armchair again, Dodger curled up at his feet, calmed by the quiet breathing of his daughter. Glancing at his watch, it was still only half one in the morning, meaning it was half four in Boston and his mother would definitely be asleep. He’d call her in the morning and let her know he was back in LA to sort everything out. And he would. He had to, or he’d be failing as a father and as a partner.

***

For the second time, Chris awoke to cries. His eyes shot open to find Dodger startled from sleep and staring at the crib, his posture defensive, shortly followed by the door flying open and Helen scurrying into the room. Seeing Chris half out of his chair, she stopped and immediately apologised.

‘Sorry, Mr Evans, I didn’t realise… do you want me to take her?’ she gestured towards the crib with her head. She was dressed for the day so must have been up and about for a short while at least.

'Don’t worry Helen, I must have fallen asleep here last night. Please, call me Chris. I’ll see to Annie this morning, it’s nice to spend some time with her. Has it just been you around this morning?’

Helen nodded and made to back out of the room the way she came, 'I’ll go and make a start on prepping the milk.’

'Thanks Helen.’

Despite his reservations when his mom had told him about the hiring of a nanny, on first impressions he thought that Helen seemed a good choice. She was probably in her late fifties, seemed polite and efficient and like she knew what she was doing. He wondered idly if she had family of her own; she did have a sort of maternal air about her. She kind of reminded him of your mom, and maybe that’s why you had employed her. He also reminded himself to check that you’d had her sign an NDA, especially with everything that was going on at the moment. The last thing any of you needed was this all leaking to the press via an 'undisclosed source’. But, he mused wryly, it seemed unlikely that undisclosed sources were needed when you were out every night anyway. Please, please let you have been going to discrete places. The tabloids and magazines would not be friendly to a celebrity mom of a six week old being spotted out drinking and clubbing every night. Maybe it was time to get PR involved and do some preemptive damage limitation - as much as could be done anyway.

'Let’s get you fed and ready for the day, Miss Evans. It’s going to be a busy one.’

***

Chris had tried, over the preparations for Annie’s breakfast, to pump Helen for information, but there seemed to be a lot she wasn’t saying. That was a good sign of her ability to be discrete at least.

'She’s… done what she can. She has been very busy, with her work and the events she has to attend for networking, so she’s not had a lot of time really.’

'I believe you met my mother a few days ago?’

'Yes, Lisa - I hope you don’t mind, she told me to call her that - stayed for four days. She really dotes on little Annie, doesn’t she?’

Chris smiled at that, 'Yeah, that’s my mom. All these grandchildren but each one is just as special as the first for her. How were things while my mom was around?’

'Easier… I think. But I could tell that Lisa found it all a bit strange. She tried to get information out of me too,’ a knowing grin brightened Helen’s features, her hands wrapped around a steaming mug of tea, 'You’re very similar. Now, you should know I’m not in the habit of gossiping or talking behind someone’s back, especially when the topic of conversation is a new mother, but do understand that however you think she should be behaving at the moment, she is trying her very best. That 'best’ might only be acknowledging her baby and holding her a couple of times a day, but if she’s struggling already, then those couple of times will be the hardest thing she does in every twenty four hour period.’

Chris looked down at the cherubic bundle in his arms and couldn’t imagine having to force himself to hold her. He was at loss to imagine how this had happened - he’d had four weeks with both his girls before he’d had to leave and you’d seemed such a natural. The birth had been a little traumatic and drawn out but you’d both come through, safe and sound and had settled, seemingly, into a good routine. How things could have changed so dramatically in such a short space of time, Chris had no idea.

'Do you think there’s something wrong with her?’ Chris asked, somewhat reluctant to hear the answer.

Helen was silent for a moment, possible responses flashing across her face, thinking about how to respond to one of her employers who she had only met for the first time last night, and who was clearly frightened by what he had come home to. Except for the fact he was cradling his daughter, Helen thought he looked just like a scared little boy, not knowing how to proceed or what to do for the best, just trying to keep it together.

'I think… she’s a little overwhelmed and unsure about the mother version of herself. It’s really hard, a few weeks in, when the visitors have stopped, daddy goes back to work and the shock and adrenaline is wearing off, and you realise there’s no going back now, that you’re in charge of this tiny little life. I think she’s going to need you to be as patient and as understanding as you can be, even though you must be confused and frustrated.’

Chris inclined his head in acknowledgement.

'I thought everything was perfect. We’re a family, everything we’ve ever wanted, how can it not be perfect? I’d never felt happier, until I heard from my mom.’

'Perfection is hard thing to live up to, in my experience. Striving for perfection in all things can often do more harm than good. No parent is perfect, Chris.’

'You think she feels like I’ve put her under too much pressure?’

'I don’t know her, or you, well enough to say, but I’d be willing to bet everything I have that she’s putting herself under too pressure, with or without your contribution, as most new moms do. Everyone thinks you’re supposed to be the most happy, glowing, joy-filled person on earth when in reality, you’re running on two hours of sleep, can’t take a shower, can’t clean your house, are scared to go outside, and are basically used as a milk machine. And you’re supposed to instantly feel this incredible bond with the one reason for all of this. It’s a lot to take in.’

'But… look at this baby. She’s so beautiful and innocent. I look at her and feel nothing but love and affection. I just want to hold her all the time. I’d die for her, I’m pretty sure.’

Helen let out a short laugh at that, 'I know, but you men get it fairly easy. Your bodies don’t change beyond all recognition, your hormones don’t turn you into an emotional wreck, you didn’t have to push that little cutie out of you, and I can guarantee she didn’t feel so little when your girlfriend was squeezing her out. You get all the good stuff, and you get to go back to your normal life after a few weeks, while hers has changed forever.’

'I can’t agree with the last part. The rest I get, but my life has changed too. It won’t ever be the same. I might have gone back to my version of normal in terms of the work I was doing, but all I’m thinking about now while I’m there are my girls at home, wishing I was with them, hoping they’re okay, wondering what they’re doing without me.’

If Helen disagreed with that, she didn’t voice it, 'And you seem to have adjusted to that change very quickly and very well. It’s taking that new mother upstairs a little longer, that’s all.’

'Have you got children, Helen, if you don’t mind me asking?’

'Oh, mine are all grown up now. One lives out in New York, career girl, top of her field, and my son lives here in California with his wife and their five year old. A little boy, Jake,’ Helen spoke about them all with pride, quickly showing Chris a few snaps on her cell. They seemed like a stable, happy family and Chris hoped against hope that that was what his future looked like.

***

At around eleven am, Chris asked Helen to take Annie around the block in her stroller. He’d decided he was going to bite back his confusion and irritation and go as gently as possible with you. Clearly, you had not been adjusting to motherhood as well as you had appeared two weeks ago and Chris didn’t want to give you cause to shrink further into yourself or, worse, run.

So he crept into the bedroom, the space shrouded in darkness from the heavy curtains. You must have been dozing, rather than in a deep sleep, because your eyes flickered open as he entered and you made out the shape of him moving through the room.

'Morning sunshine, how are you feeling?’ Chris’ quiet, gravelly voice floated to you.

'Okay-ish, I think. It was a big networking event, you know how clients get when they’ve had a few double mixers,’ you winced as little as you sat up, the pounding in your head intensifying as you moved. Chris sat down on the bed and turned towards you, taking one of your hands in his, but said nothing.

'Thanks for the water and painkillers. I woke up about two hours ago I think and I took them then. Did you cover me up and stuff?’

'Yeah, didn’t want you to be cold. Your shoes and jewellery are all back where they belong.’

'Thanks,’ you said again, quietly, squeezing his hand slightly. 'It’s good to have you home. Why are you home by the way? You’re not due back for another two weeks.’

'I know, but I missed my girls and after speaking to my mom, I realised there were a few things you hadn’t told me in our phone conversations.’

You bristled at that, instantly on the defensive, pulling your hand out of his.

'Your mom?’ you rolled your eyes, unable to stop the reflexive action, 'She told you what a shitshow of a mother I am, I guess?’

'Hey, don’t be like that. She was worried for you, and I have to say, sweetheart, when I heard you gone back to work and hired a live-in nanny without even mentioning it to me in passing, let alone having a discussion about it, I was worried too,’ Chris kept his voice level. He almost said 'Annie’s only six weeks old’ but he didn’t want to sound accusatory, 'Why didn’t you tell me?’

'Precisely because I didn’t want you to worry. I should have known Lisa would pull something like this. Have you racing across the country because your inadequate girlfriend can’t look after your kid,’ you pulled your hand away when Chris tried to reach for it again and pulled the blanket back so you could swing your legs over the side of the bed and stand up, 'I thought she’d be happy to see I’d hired someone to look after the baby. Someone much more qualified than me anyhow. I’m taking a shower.’

You spat out the last couple of sentences and stomped to the bathroom. You heard Chris call out after you, more insisting that that wasn’t what he or his mom meant, but you’d shut the door and blocked him out. You switched the shower to the hottest setting, ragged your dress over your head and threw it in a scrunched ball across the bathroom, watching in irritation as it dropped to the floor harmlessly. Leaning on the counter, you looked up to reluctantly gaze at your reflection in the mirror and saw what an absolute mess you looked.

You were pale and pinched under the make up, your dark eyeliner smudged far from where it had been applied. Your lipstick had been smeared off as you slept, leaving a lurid outline of oily colour staining your dry, cracked lips. Your eyes went downwards without your permission, forcing you to look at your swollen, uncomfortable breasts, your rounded hips and the wobbly pouch of a stomach that had once been flat and toned, crisscrossed with violent red lines.

As you looked at it all, the reminder of what you had been through, you felt the fear rising in you. The memories of giving birth came crashing upon you before you could stop them: memories of the blood, of the pain, of seeing implement after implement disappearing between your legs, of hearing the shouts and commands, of seeing strangers faces gathered around, of not being able to breathe or speak or scream, of being unable to focus on Chris’ face, of not knowing where he was, of genuinely feeling like you were going to die. You felt every single one, didn’t even try to fight them because you knew it was useless.

You simply reached over to the shower controls and turned the power up to full, the water now blasting in jets out of the shower head. You figured the noise of it against the tiles would be loud enough that Chris wouldn’t hear your heaving sobs, and hopefully the heat and the piercing jets against your back as you sat in the bottom of the shower with your arms around your knees would be enough to distract your mind from the visions. Hopefully for long enough that you could get yourself together before going out to face him again.

[hellstate--rp-blog]

↪ b a s i c s ;

N A M E: Scarlette Benoîte Victoïre Sauveterre-Morgan A G E: 25 P L A C E   O F   O R I G I N: Bel Air, Los Angeles G R O U P: Cheyenne Country Club O C C U P A T I O N: Healer F C: Hayden Panettiere

❝ But in the end one needs more courage to live than to kill himself. ❞

↪ p e r s o n a l i t y ;

P O S I T I V E   T R A I T S: educated ; determined N E G A T I V E   T R A I T S: vulnerable ; naive

↪ b i o g r a p h y ;

L I F E   B E F O R E   T H E   O U T B R E A K:

And thus she was born, the only child of a billionaire stock broker and his wife - the (former) highly sought after French runway model; and her name was Scarlette Benoîte Victoïre Sauveterre. Growing up in Los Angeles was a wonderful experience, especially for a young girl living in Bel Air. She went to the best private schools, she was given all the privileges that money could buy; ballet lessons, violin lessons, piano, tennis, guitar… private tutors. Scarlette was one of the luckiest children on her block.

It was at the boarding school she attended, during an exchange program to Paris (with the school her mother had attended in her adolescence) that she met Raquel, who was three years her senior and living for a year in Paris as she built her photography portfolio. The girls clicked instantly, despite the fact that Raquel was nineteen and Scarlette was sixteen, and became close friends throughout Scarlette’s six month exchange, and when she returned - Raquel became Scarlette’s closest confidante. Her family was quite upperclass and thus rather liked showing off their daughter. Though Scarlette didn’t inherit her mother’s statuesque, sleek figure but she was a beauty in her own right and her parents, as well as herself, enjoyed dressing up and hosting parties in their three storey mansion as they socialised with the creme de la creme of society.

Her life, in all honesty, was quite simple until she came out to her parents at seventeen, and even that was not such a big deal. Her mother shed a tear at the idea that she would not have a grandchild and her father demanded to know why she hated men, but after a long discussion and all their questions were answered - everything was resolved. Shortly after she graduated her high school, she was accepted pre-med into the David Geffen School of Medicine at UCLA and her parents gift to her was to buy her, and her now acknowledged and accepted (and more or less a member of the family) girlfriend Raquel.

In the new few years they studied, worked, Raquel proposed and Scarlette cried - they were married and all was well. Raquel studied fine art and fashion photography (which pleased Scarlette’s mother greatly, bringing back many good memories) and cartography. Scarlette continued in pre-med with plans to move on to specialize in general surgery… and then they made the decision to start a family. So, when Raquel was twenty-six she gave birth to their first child, Edward ‘Teddy’ Sauveterre-Morgan.

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The outbreak happened a mere few months after Edward was born, and Raquel had not fared well after the birth. Suffering from a bought of postpartum depression, though she’d bonded well with Edward at the beginning, the relationship was strained when she contracted thrush and was no longer able to breastfeed him. Raquel could not accept the way her own body looked after childbirth despite how Scarlette’s objections because to her, her wife looked as beautiful as the day they met. Raquel had sought help and been in therapy for three months prior to the outbreak and had been making great steps - and then it all fell apart.

Leaving Teddy with the au pair they had hired to help out during Raquel’s postpartum depression, Scarlette had walked to meet her wife after her therapy session, they picked up some lunch and a coffee - Scarlette presented Raquel with a bunch of lilies (her favourite flowers) and they walked home hand in hand. However, the door was open. Their house was almost silent. Rushing inside, they tore through the house - the nursery, their rooms, the au pair’s rooms - they found nothing. Until a heartbreaking shriek reached Scarlette’s ears and she ran to Raquel’s aid - there was no word to describe the emotion that flooded through her at the time, seeing her child dead, bloodied and snarling and gnawing with a toothless mouth at Raquel’s arm as she tried to soothe him. Of course they’d heard the rumours, they’d heard the stories - but as far as they were aware, it hadn’t made it’s way to LA, nor even America - their government had told them it wasn’t an issue in the USA, that there weren’t even case. The stories and reports they’d heard were all from Europe and that was the only reason why Scarlette didn’t allow herself to worry too much - forced herself not to worry, but Raquel did.

Attempting to soothe her wife and coerce her into placing Teddy back in his cot, Scarlette almost didn’t hear the sound of shuffling footsteps and watery growling coming from the en suite of the guest room - it was clear their au pair was long gone from the brief glimpse that Scarlette caught before the ‘dead’ women lunged at Raquel and Teddy.

She screamed so loud she thought the windows panes would shatter as Raquel attempted to push their au pair away from their child - and watched in horror as a chunk of her wife’s arm was torn from her body and Teddy scratched with his tiny nails at his mothers chest and throat. Bites and blood and screaming and she knew that she was crying as she grabbed their au pair by her hair and pulled her away, onto the ground and dragged her into the en suite where she locked and barricaded the door shut. It was chaos and pain and the phones weren’t working - Raquel was crying and clutching their screaming, snarling dead son and Scarlette didn’t know what to do - she just cried.

Raquel had run from the room, leaving Teddy in his cot (what could they do? was he even their son anymore?) and Scarlette finished barricading the door before following after her. It just seemed to get worse and worse - the buzzing of the electric knife was like a death march to her ears, and when she ran into the kitchen it was like a scene from Evil Dead - Raquel screaming and crying as she drove the knife into her arm, intending to severe the section of the arm that had been bitten. But she had no tourniquet and blood spattered across their cabinets and floor at an alarming rate - Scarlette was pre-med, not qualified, she didn’t know how to do this. She ripped her belt from her jeans as she shouted at Raquel to stop - but her wife didn’t, muttering and groaning about how she didn’t want to walk around without a soul - only allowing Scarlette to apply her belt as a tourniquet above the wound. The wet thwack as her detached limb hit the ground was spine-chilling, her wife’s head lolling around as the knife slipped from her hands. Blood loss. Scarlette was at least able to cauterise the wound with a superheated frying pan on their stove and stitch and clean it as best she could.

For over a week she fought the infection with everything she had in her house, she cleaned the wound and tended to her wife, but she knew what was going to happen. She knew, but it didn’t stop her from falling apart when Raquel died in her sleep as she succumbed to her. Terrified of what was going to come next, she locked and barricaded the secondary guest room that she had set Raquel up in and hid in the master bedroom they shared where she cried for almost a three days straight. It was happenstance that the same moment some of her med school friends smashed down her door was the same moment she’d tied the noose around her neck and stepped off her chest of drawers. It was those people who saved her, Charlie who held her up as Linsday sliced through the rope, and it was Joshua who found Raquel and put her down, and Leah who put down baby Teddy. They kept her alive - from Bel Air all the way to Wyoming even though she’d already lost the will to live.

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They travelled constantly, showing her how to end the lives of the dead - which in itself was confusing enough - but they learned. They were medical students, they should have known anyway. Months passed, their group waxed and waned, but the five of them stayed the center. As time passed Scarlette healed herself - her heart, mourning always her wife and child, but allowing herself to move on in the best way she was able, for all the sorrow in her heart, Scarlette remained almost unscathed on the outside. The loss of her child and her wife weighed heavily on her every day, but she tried her best. She always tried her best.

As the best med-student and the top of her class, it was Scarlette who became the group’s unofficial head doctor - she figured out that if you could amputate a limb within the first seven minutes (though there were a lot of variables) that most of the time, you could avoid becoming infected… like a snake bite, almost, she said. Though, after infection and blood loss - more people died than survived the amputations, but she had to try. They all had to try.

Many months later, the rotters were too numerous for the group - overrun and spread out, Scarlette fled with Leah and her boyfriend as they attempted to clear an area. Trying to restart their lives without the three others that had been like family was hard, made harder still when Leah’s boyfriend accused Scarlette of trying to steal Leah away from her - then attacked her in a paranoid, drunken outburst. Injuring Scarlette - a fractured arm, he was only stopped when Scarlette stabbed him with a nail file she’d found the day before and kicked him in the chest so hard that he tumbled back and fell into the tin cans they’d strung up to notify them of nearby rotters.

Terrified and furious, she ran from their camp, on foot - leaving their car behind and, days later, collapsed from exhaustion in a makeshift tent on the outskirts of a small town. It was a young woman, Adalene Flores, who found the unconscious and dehydrated Scarlette and brought her back to Cheyenne, and to the Country Club which became her home.