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Banishment of Adam and Eve from the Garden of Eden
by Julius Schnorr von Carolsfeld
#julius cchnorr von carolsfeld#adam and eve#art#illustration#paradise lost#garden of eden#paradise#religious art#angel#angels#christianity#christian#biblical#religion#religious#bible#snake#serpent#wings#sword
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When I was 14 years old and forced to make the Catholic sacrament of Holy Confirmation and to choose a saint after which I would be named⌠in a covert act of subtle defiance undetected by my teachers, I requested that I be allowed to choose not a saint, but Eve.. to pay homage to the woman given to Adam in the Garden of Eden who failed the test of obedience. I never told anyone, but the more I work with my inner child, the more I love that little girl and wish I could be her friend.
#adam and eve#Eve#genesis#garden of eden#confirmation#tree of knowledge#god#bible stories#bible scripture#naughty naughty#spiritual awakening#inner child#kundalini#serpent#inner child healing
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The Serpent, one of the most important and mysterious figures in the Bible!
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#history#the serpent#genesis#hazbin hotel#abrahamic religions#ancient history#garden of eden#the devil#lucifer#apple of eden#old testament#jewish history#christianity#bible#animals#helluverse#vivzipop#forbidden fruit#christian history#judaism#ancient#biblical figures#mythology#snakes#book of genesis#nickys facts
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Mal apples refrence
Once upon a time long long ago, someone wrote the story about Adam and Eve in Eden. You know the story? The serpent convinced Eve to eat the forbidden fruit and then god kicked them out of eden?
So people have this headcanon (because it is considers headcanon and you all know that!) that the forbidden fruit was an apple? It because in Latin the meaning of the word 'malum' is evil and apple. The tree in Eden was called 'The tree of the knowledge of good and evil', and eating it was considered a sin, so the apple was identified as something evil.
Now, let's take it to descendants, firstly the apple is known as an evil fruit, it's one of the singatures of the Evil Queen, but the one with apples all the time is Mal and not Evie. Because of her name, because Mal, is part of the latin word for apple, so she got the apples. In the song 'Ways to be Wicked' Mal spread out corrupted apples to release the evil side of everyone. And this another allusion to the story. Because Mal is basically a dragon, and dragons are serpent like creatures (the new testament even called serpent dragons somewhere). Mal is a serpent who causing people to break the rules, like the serpent in Eden.
The serpent also described as satan or devil, and we all know who's Mal father is right? :) Her father is Hades, and he is the ruler of hell, the place where all the sinners go. So Mal make them sin so they'll go the her father's world.
And just another cute refrence, King Beast real name is Adam and Evie's name without the i is Eve, so both of these names has a connection to Mal.
The idea of this post come from conversation with @punk-spider-lilliss so thank you very much and most of the information is from wikipedia so sorry if there are mistakes.
#descendants#apples#adam and eve#ways to be wicked#mal descendants#evie descendants#king beast#garden of eden#serpent#evil queen#hades#heaven and hell#good and evil#disney descendants#bible#new testament#greek mythology#fairy tales#mal
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Disobeying God is the point here; free will is the one thing that God could never give his own creations, which hitherto had been entirely an extension of God's will.
This was God's conundrum: God couldn't order them to eat the apple, nor could they acquire free will by accident. They had to expressly disobey God and eat the apple of their own volition, even though God warned them of the consequences. Only by disobeying God's will could humans have a will of their own.
So, how does God arrange that? By appearing to Eve in the disguise of the Serpent, conning her into disobeying God. That solved one problem but created another: God then had to keep their con even after making the play. They had to be punished, even though they were actually acting in accordance with God's hidden motive to impart his creations with a will of their own. (For good measure, God then spends the rest of the Bible trying to wrest free will back from his creations.)
So yes, in the end Eve gained a gift that God couldn't give. She made her own decision, and acquired free will. And she was doomed for doing something that God wanted her to do, but could never do himself.
There are parallels to many other myths here: Prometheus, Pygmalion, Frankenstein, etc.
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Genesis 3
3:1 It is solely mentioned that the "serpent" was more cunning than all the wild animals. There is no mention of this serpent being possessed by an evil figure rather it states that the serpent itself was the cunning animal. As it is popularly known, the serpent is the one that deceives Eve to get her to eat the fruit of the Tree of Knowledge. Here the serpent begins his attack by asking for a clarification of what God really said to Eve. I'm also curious, how does the serpent know that there was a commandment given to man? Was the commandment made so that all could hear? Or if the serpent is possessed by evil, then was this evil presence omnipresent or listening in?
3:2-3 Eve replies to the serpent that they should not eat nor even touch the fruit of the Tree of Knowledge, unless death be upon them. If we look back at directly at God's commands, it states that from the tree of knowledge of good and evil you may not eat. This means that Eve had added the stipulation that you may not touch the fruit. It is also to point out that when God issued this command, only Adam was present, not Eve. This may mean that when Adam shared God's command, he might have been the one to add the rule of not touching the fruit. I am thinking the thought process behind saying to not touch the fruit is that if you do not touch the fruit, it becomes impossible to eat the fruit. So this extra rule was curated as an immovable fence to disobey the original rule.
3:4 Serpent says you wouldn't die by death. This right here is an outright lie and directly contradicts the commandment stated by God.
3:5 Serpent says that God doesn't want man to eat of the fruit for then man would be able to be like "the gods." If God was afraid that man would become like Him, then it wouldn't make sense for God to place the Tree in man's vicinity. Also why does the serpent mention "gods?" This indicates that there are plural celestial beings that are greater than man. This could be the difference between lowercase and uppercase god vs God. Lowercase god could refer to just celestial beings, such as angels and demons. While uppercase God is referring to the One True God. So here the serpent is stating that man could become like the angels of the firmament. This also tells us that the angels understand the difference between good and evil, signifying they are more than simply messengers. This also means that those celestial beings that partake in evil, do so willingly as they understand their actions.
3:6 Curious what is noticed about the fruit and the tree before eating. It says that the tree was "good for food," "pleasant to the eyes," and "beautiful to contemplate." Saying "good for food" is similar to a hook to get the mind on the subject in a frame of relevance, the other remaining factors are irrelevant and appeal solely to the appearance. This is a prime example of how looks can be deceiving. These three statements actually lead to describe the very nature of humanity. "Good for food" represents the practical mind at work, stating that if anything the fruit can provide nourishment. "Pleasant to the eyes" indicates an appreciation for art, which is argued to be a uniquely human characteristic that separates us from the rest of animal kind. "Beautiful to contemplate" sheds light on the intellectual nature of man through philosophy and logical reasoning. So this statement alone tells us that even with everything that makes us uniquely human, we can still succumb to wrong without God. Meaning we cannot rely on ourselves alone, even if we make complete sense.
Also in verse 6 Adam partakes of the fruit given to him by Eve. I would assume that Adam had an initial repulsion to eat of the fruit and maybe his motives to eat of the fruit were different than Eve's. It is possible that when seeing Eve eating of the fruit and thus being doomed by God, Adam wanted to share the same fate as Eve. This would signify the importance of marriage, as one pillar falls the other one does not leave the pillar to fall but endures with it. It was only a couple sentences back that Adam says that they are both one bone and one flesh. That being said there might have also been some element of curiosity in Adam as well to eat from the fruit.
3:7 Both man and woman knew they were naked and decided to cover up. Flashback to 2:25 where they were naked but not ashamed but now they are. Now they have guilt for something, which indicates why they need to hide. This might also be the first instance of lust, maybe not physically but in thought. Earlier in this verse it states that their eyes were opened. Now here's an interesting question: what caused their eyes to be opened? Was it the fruit itself or was it the disobeying the commandment of God that opened their eyes. If it was the fruit itself then that means that the fruit itself had inherit ability to provide knowledge. If it was disobeying the commandment of God, they would have received the knowledge of evil by the act of evil then reflecting. This would also mean that the fruit had no inherent ability and it might have simply been just like any other tree with fruit, that the only thing that made it special is that God had said not to eat from it.
3:8 God here is present physically in the garden. Also says He was walking in the afternoon, which means that Adam and Eve fell to sin in the morning. Adam and Eve hid themselves in the tree in the middle of the garden. Why would you hide in the place of the crime? Maybe because you seeking refuge in a place of comfort. If they were to hide in any other part of the garden that is 'pure' they would no longer feel comfortable. Thus they decide to hide in the area that resonates impurity in their minds. Also wonder how effective they thought hiding would be, especially in the long term. How do you hide from an omnipresent being?
3:9 God calls out to Adam and asks where he is. This is a bit funny because God already knows where Adam is, He has to if He is an Omnipresent being. Thus God asking Adam where he is is simply an opportunity for Adam to come clean with his sin. This is the first opportunity for repentance.
3:10 Here, if Adam really decided to continue hiding from God, he accidentally slips his tongue and appearance. If he was not caught in sin, Adam would have no need to cover his nakedness nor to be ashamed. Hiding your nakedness from God insinuates that God would fall to the same sin of lust (?), which is an incorrect appraisal from Adam.
3:11-12 Adam confesses his sin of eating the fruit but doesn't do so without adding Eve into the mix. Adam's statement is formed to place the blame on God: "the woman You gave me, gave me of the tree, and I ate." Adam says that the woman you made is flawed and you gave her to me, thus it is your fault. This is not a true confession, as a true confession would consist of the person in the primary sense. A true confession to God by Adam in this scenario would put Adam at fault with a tone of repentance.
3:13 In this verse, Eve mirrors what Adam does and places the blame on the serpent.
3:14-15 Here is the first curse we see in the Bible. God curses the serpent to be beneath all cattle and wild animals. The serpent shall be on his breast and belly, eat dust, enmity with the woman (for generations), and forever be on guard for the heel. Interestingly, it says "His heel" with a capital. Normally this would signify God's heel, but God is the one speaking. Also, according to context, this seems to refer to man. There is a nice use of language here, head and heel are opposites and are used in the same sentence. Essentially you shall fear damage to your own head by the heel of the humans. Since the serpent is stated to be on his breast and belly, does that mean the serpent had a different posture before? And what does it mean that serpents should eat "dust?" Could dust be referring to dead animals who have lost the breath of life in them?
3:16 The next curse is to the woman. Pain is greatly multiplied and child labor is now painful. Husbands will be your "recourse" and he shall rule over the woman. I assume they already know about child labor because of the animals. I don't assume they have already had children before this curse.
3:17-19 Curse to man is from listening to the woman. The ground is cursed with labor. To eat, man must now toil for food. The ground will now bring forth thorns and thistles. Man shall not have 'easy food' just given to him until he "returns to the ground from which you were taken." = Dies.
Side note: A woman's curse is person-focused, inflicting internal pain. On the contrary, man's pain is related to externals. Nowadays there is a common trope to see that women can tolerate internal pain better than men and that men can tolerate external pain better than women. I wonder how this would relate to this verse?
3:20 Adam finally gives his wife a name meaning 'life.' Mother of all living = Eve. ('Eve' explicitly not mentioned yet.)
3:21 God makes robes for Adam and Eve from animal skin. Upgrade from fig leaves? This also shows the fatherly love God has for His creation, unconditional love. Even when His creation sinned, God chose to continue to love them. The curses must then be a way of building character rather than a form of punishment for the sake of punishment.
3:22 God says man has become "like Us" with the ability to discern between good and evil. This verse also confirms that the Tree of Life gives immortality.
3:23 To ensure man would not eat from the Tree of Life, he was sent out of the "garden of pleasure." Why a different name for the garden? Is this garden different from Eden? Reviewing chapter 2, it seems that they are not separate. What does it mean to "cultivate the ground from which he was taken."? Does that mean that God is doing something with the ground that Adam was formed from? Actually, since Adam was not made in the garden but put there afterwards, it can be assumed that this verse implies that Adam is now supposed to work the ground of which he came from.
3:24 Cherubim and a fiery sword which "turns every way" guard the Tree of Life. So the first time a tree is protected, it is by verbal command. Which means that God had trusted man to do the right thing. The next form of protection is a sword and angels. This intensity of protection means that trust has been lost. This is a very important dynamic to understand: although trust has been lost, love has not been lost. Thus it is evident that a parental bond can continue unconditional love without fullness of trust. What does that look like? I guess it means you still wish the best for someone and desire their growth but don't allow them too much ability for trust.
Other Remarks:
God is stated to literally walk in the garden, does this mean that God has a physical body? I believe that he can conjure up a physical form but is not limited solely to that form. He can take the form of whatever He pleases, and in this instance, He chose a form comparable to man.
Eden = Garden of pleasure because it does not host any pains or toil. Also, "garden of pleasure" could be a comparative name that relates to their current state of non-pleasure.
Questions:
Is the serpent evil inherently or is it possessed by something evil?
What is "dust"?
What is unconditional love without trust?
Notes for Prayer:
Help us reflect the unconditional love you show to us.
-Mikhael
#bible reading#bible study#creation#genesis#Adam and eve#religion#biblical#Eden#garden of eden#sin#serpent#forbidden fruit
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The two big lies: "You will not surely die!" "You will become like God!"
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Genesis 3
A very well known story from the Bible that many people, even if they didnât grow up with the Bible, know about.
I made them very cartoonish because I just found reading the section to be a chain of blaming. I have heard many just blame Eve but honestly when you think about it, both Adam AND Eve should have remembered God said no to the fruit of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil.
But when reading what Eve said, it is close to what God had command but clearly not close enough for her to be sure and instead take in the words of the serpent instead. Makes me want to be sure that if I say I believe in God, then I want to be able to reason why and be clear and according to His word to.
#bible#bible reading#bible verse art#book of genesis#Bible illustrations#genesis 3#bible thoughts#garden of eden#adam and eve#Bible serpent#cartoonish style#fall of man
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In hindsight, both the culprit and victim of Chapter 1 should've been very obvious.
Project: Eden's Garden Spoilers
Wolfgang's animal motif is a sheep, and sheep tend to be sacrificial animals in the Bible. It only makes sense for him to be the first to go.
As for Eva, her being tempted to kill not only by Tozu (the goat, representing the devil), but subtly by Damon as well (a snake) as the first killer is very reminiscent of her namesake, Eve, the first woman and person to sin after being deceived by the serpent aka the devil.
Genius.
I also can't help but wonder if Wolfgang's blackmail (and Eva's or anyone else's) will play a bigger role in the overall story.
#danganronpa#project eden's garden#damon maitsu#tozu#wolfgang akire#eva tsunaka#diana venicia#kai monteago#grace madison#cassidy amber#wenona#desmond hall#jean delamer#mark berskii#jett dawson#toshiko kayura#eloise taulner#ulysses wilhelm#ingrid grimwall#mara#p:eg spoilers#p:eg
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An analysis of Jade's trailer because my religious trauma can be useful now
Snake in biblical context-
 Overall snakes can mean many things, from death and the underworld but here well focus on snakes in abrahamic, specifically christian tradition. The serpent in the garden of eden which is the one who tempted Eve into eating the forbidden fruit.Â
In this way we see a few key elements of Jadeâs characterization come to light- She is partners with her snake, who consumes and devours enemies, her stoneheart ability is to see desires. She focuses on providing temptation to others. Another aspect we see is an emphasis on patience- which is an aspect also reflected in the story- Eve lacked patience and consumed the fruit, while Jade provide temptation with all the patience in the universe.Â
We can also see some of this reflected in the depiction of Lilith which at times has been depicted as a demon or beast of the desert, and in early 5th century translations of the bible is depicted as lamia- generally depicted as monstrou half snake half women (or hot if you're into that).
Weâll go into more of the snake symbolism later.
Let''s talk about the table.
When we return to Judaeo-christian references we have Jade sitting front and center- with exactly 12 empty spots. Remember the trailer is her chasing after someone who gave into temptations and betrayed the IPC. She is chasing information on a betrayal similar to a very famous betrayal that took place after a dinner that famously held 12 seats with one in the centerâŚÂ
Interestingly enough in this moment Jade decides to add that a âwillâ can also bring death- Those who betray their ideals/morals bring a certain death upon themselves or others, similar to how Judas Iscariotâs betrayal brought death upon jesus and persecution to his followers.Â
As she says this she has another 12 people bowing to her.
Next we see the IPC worker stung up- another judeo christian reference- and this one much more direct. Jesus on the cross, but what part does Jade play in this story- We have seen her sit centre stage during the last supper, and now she approaches the cross, pulling the IPC worker down.Â
She then chastizes the IPC worker- calling him a naughty child and asking him to tell her where âtheyâ are.Â
When we look back at the religious Symbolism we already have we cna pretty easily see the parallels between her and temptation. She was centered in the betrayal, and now she is the cause of their persecution- Giving into temptation, to desire gives her power.Â
Finally we see her fully- as one of the Ten stonehearts with her whip out.
She embodies the power of the snake itself, her whip covered in thorns. While we famously have the religious imagery of the crown of thorns we can also take it as a measure of how thorns and temptation can dig under oneâs skin pulling everything else with it- We are also brought back to biblical imagery related to the garden of Eden where the first curse brought upon mankind as a result of Adamâs âsinâ is the presence of âthorns and thistlesâÂ
At thisi time we also see the first instance of the color red permeating through the background.Â
At this time we also see the first instance of the color red permeating through the background.Â
We then get the first instance of a clear reference to Sin:
Superbia- or Pride. We also see the red snake descending on the right hand side. When we again look at biblical references we know that Lucifer, who later became a snake to tempt Adam and Eve- Fell to the sin of pride- causing him to rebel against the will of god and fall from heaven.Â
Not only is the snake here associated with pride but it is descending front he top of the screen as the IPC worker falls to Jades attack. As he falls the snake opens its jaw to reveal red fangs and tongue. As jade walks forward ink seems to seep out of her every step as the IPC worker gives in and agrees to talk.Â
We finally get to see Jadeâs Symbol-Â
And interesting adaptation of the Ouroboros Symbol we usually see. While we recognize the cymbals of infinity created by the Snakes body, unlike the usual Ouroboros, the snake has a beginning and an end, the mouth and tail are not connected.Â
Within Honkai Star rail Lore we do know of Oroboros, the Aeon of Voracity.
They are described as the Drinker of Worlds- a being that is all consuming, in the eyes of Oroboros the Voracity life is a small fragment in the sea of Void, destined to return to Them.Â
We can see here the idea of patience- All things eventually will be consumed by the Voracity- just as jade has the patience to wait for the outcome of her plans. We also know that in Dev Log1 in simulated universe we get a bit of an IPC cameo. It specifically states âHad Louis Fleming encountered Oroboros the Voracity, he might have approached the Aeon with the intent to attract all wealth throughout the universe! Fortunately, Oroboros has vanished without a trace.â interesting that one of the founders of the IPC is brought up in the entry for the Voracity- an Aeo that can be ascribes to the sins of greed and gluttony.
Next in the video we see the IPC worker inside a grid or wreath of snakes, with a symbol in the center that resembles creatures that we as trailblazers have encountered
The Heliobi are essentially beings of energy that consume emotions. They are also noted to be part of a race of Extraneous Demons. The heliobus reference here is fascinating, as we know that not only do they consume emotions- but they trick their host into indulging in the actions that would trigger intense emotion such as binge eating or self harm, or even violence against others.Â
Creatures that guide people to indulge in the same sins we are seeing presented in the trailer. Heliobi are also creatures of insatiable hunger. Specifically:
âNo matter how many bodies it steals, its wish remains unfulfilled. Like those who seek the medicines of immortality, it craves an imperishable vessel, one that will rid it of its fear of destruction. And yet, it knows this is a dream that will never come true.â â Regret of Infinite Ochema
Heliobi are drawn to people that have intense desires- willing to more easily fall into temptation.Â
After this we see jade state there is never just one as she is attacked quickly taking him down and giving us a glimpse of our next Sin:
Invidia- Envy.Â
We also hear jade mention that while the quantity of those attacking her is high they lack the quality to defeat her. Each one of these members- fueled bu sin and desire- possibly envious of what higher ups had- gave into temptation, and in doing brought down Jadeâs will, one that brings death.Â
Her serpent is awakened and we finally see it in full force.
They bring upon themselves the Wrath of the serpent, a serpent surrounded by the word Gula- or gluttony. A serpent that will devour.
As the serpent attacks we see hands reach out to her seal in the center- as if reaching out for help and relief from the consequences of their indulgence into temptation.
As the IPC traitors fall to the floor we once again return to the crucifix as a symbol-
the IPC worker strung on the cross a victim to his own temptation and betrayal, a consequence of his Sin.Â
We also get our next sin:
Acedia- or sloth. An IPC worker too lazy to work his way up, indulging in sin and suffering consequences. The narrative of the trailer becomes a clear story, and we have found our âculpritâ
Jade stands before him
Surrounded by the serpents of his sins, and he falls. âOnce a will is ignited, it will spark even more desires.â We then see our last sin of the video Ira- Wrath.
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Pt VIII good omens a spoiler-free trailer
*walks into church, ignoring the gasps of the congregation* *holds mic to a terrified gentleman's face*
Have you ever wondered, what if the flaming sword at the Garden of Eden was insufferably in love with the Serpent?
*doesn't wait for response, shoves mic in shaking lady's face*
What if I told you, your bible studies are incomplete, because they are missing the most important story of all?
*cut to me in front of a white screen, walking seductively toward camera in a suit*
Worry not, for your prayers have been answered. Presenting, Good Omens, a kind-of biblically accurate story by Sir Terry Pratchett and Tumblr's own @neil-gaiman, now a TV show and queerer than ever. All you AO3 slow-burn hoes, we see you. You asked for it, you got it. Childhood friends is so last millennium, we give you instead, six thousand years of mutual pining.
*hard cut to David Tennant, whom I have stuck to a chair with Elmer's glitter glue* *he struggles, in vain*
Starring David Tennant and his signature slutty walk as Crowley, now in a ginger Barbie edition that comes with demonic eyes, every hairstyle and gender you could ever dream of, and instant outfit changes. It really is a miracle!
*camera swivels to focus on Michael Sheen, who is bound in blankets and looking deeply concerned*
Starring Michael Sheen the fae shapeshifter as Aziraphale, the sweetest, most cherubic murderous bitchy angel you've ever seen. Special features include automatic heart-eyes the moment he is faced with Crowley, a charming disregard for casual massacre in the name of God, and the instant outfit changes. Watch him melt your heart before breaking it! Bonus tip: try giving him sushi!
*cut back to the white screen, I am now sitting uncomfortably close to the camera*
Follow Aziraphale and Crowley as they alternatively try to follow and thwart God's ineffable plan, managing to spectacularly fail at both tasks with a consistency that amazes as it befuddles. Featuring alcohol, a bookstore, and metaphorical and literal fire as things get a little... heated in the Bible fandom.
*crossfade to Soho, I walk along the street as the camera follows me*
If that isn't enough to convince you, presenting also, idiot lesbians giving an ancient demon love advice, sexy horsepersons of the apocalypse, an unofficial wedding combined with burning Nazis alive where the most important part is the handing over of a suitcase, and the sexiest MILF witch Agnes Nutter, a literal bombshell.
*cut to disturbing close up of Neil Gaiman's face* *he tries to step away, and is met with my camerapersons*
Watch Neil Gaiman give you hope and shatter it again repeatedly, in a show where the literal apocalypse is only the background to a forbidden idiots who are lovers-to-lovers who are idiots story that is older than Time itself. Armageddon takes a backseat as Crowley serves gender, and if you thought the Antichrist was adorable, wait till you see him in Good Omens, where his evil powers are directed towards being the cutest kid he can possibly be.
*cut back to white screen, I smile ominously while twirling a human bone*
Good Omens, at your nearest Amazon Prime, with free UST, fluff, Queen, and plenty of tears. Don't miss it!
*text rapidly rolls across screen*
[Imagery has been used for representative purposes. No David Tennant, Michael Sheen or Neil Gaiman was harmed in the process of creating this advertisement. Good Omens will have expected side-effects, including unprompted sobbing, a Pavlovian reaction to bandstands, nightingales, holy water and 'the final fifteen', heartache for the foreseeable future, and intense lust for Crowley's elusive gender. Asmi is not responsible for any consequences resulting from the advertised product. Some features have been excluded from the advertisement due to space and time constraints.]
#good omens#good omens mascot#good omens fandom#crowley#aziraphale#lgbtqia#aziracrow#neil gaiman#aziraley#azirowley#asmi#weirdly specific but ok#maggots#mascot#weirdly the prophet#good omens prophet#good omens spoiler free#spoiler free summary#go 1#go 2#david tennant#crowley gender#michael sheen#antichrist#adam#end times#armageddon#apocalypse#slow burn#idiots to lovers
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"Evil Takes Root": The Temptation and Fall of Galadriel
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How many Christian references do you want in Sauron and Galadrielâs scene in 2x08? Yes! Because this is Tolkien, and Christian-Catholic message is the core of his legendarium.
âThe Original sinâ (or âThe Fall") is central to Tolkien world-building: âThe dislocation of sex-instinct is one of the chief symptoms of the Fall [of Adam and Eve]â (Tolkien Letter 43). Lust is the âoriginal sinâ, and the gateway to sin, and from where all other sins originate. Â
St. Paul writes "cupiditas radix malorum": âthe root of all evil is cupidity". âCupidityâ is greedy and lustful desire. This is motivated by the fact that Eve ate the forbidden fruit because "she saw it, was beautiful". This explains why Christians have such a bad view of sex, especially when itâs not restrained by marriage.
There is lust for the forbidden fruit (the fruit from the tree of knowledge of good and evil that Adam and Eve were instructed not to eat in the Garden of Eden). This is when âsinâ is first introduced into the world, leading to their banishment from paradise. The themes here are: disobedience to God, and succumbing to temptation (evil).
And itâs the serpent that inflames Eve's lust, and "Rings of Power" wasn't even being subtle here (even the OST for this scene is called "The Fall of Galadriel"):Â
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âLustâ, in its biblical/catholic sense, is the misuse of the body, sexually. The opposite of âlustâ is âtemperanceâ and âchastityâ. âLustâ is disorderly sexual desire, and the subordinated enjoyment of sexual pleasure (against Godâs law). Itâs not just promiscuity, but extra-marital sex, as well.
In the Bible, âlustâ is thematized by adultery (because marriage is a sacred sacrament, and acting against it, itâs breaking Godâs laws, hence being a âdeadly sinâ). We also see this sin in connection with âidolatryâ (one of Sauronâs crimes in Tolkien lore), when characters (such as Solomon) take foreign wives, symbolizing the forsaking of oneâs partner for another.
Freudian symbolism: a crown (clitorical symbol) penetrating a sword (phallic symbol). Thatâs symbolic penetrative sex for you.
Iâm not saying they are symbolically f*cking here, but they probably are.
And this serpent has a name, and a history of its own: his name is Samael (âpoison of Godâ), the accuser or adversary, the seducer; and heâs mentioned in the Old Testament of the Bible, connected to Jewish tradition and early Christianity. Described as handsome and angelic, heâs one of the several angels who rebelled against God, and descend upon Earth to fornicate with women. Heâs the prince of all demons, and a sorcerer. In the Jewish Kabbalah, heâs known as the âgreat serpentâ who coils around creation and injects his venom into it. Heâs associated with fire, and represents the Dark side of the Sun.
The devil is endlessly ingenious, and sex is his favorite subject. He is as good every bit at catching you through generous romantic or tender motives, as through baser or more animal ones. Tolkien Letter 43
Samael is associated with the Garden of Eden, and with Original sin myth; because heâs the planter of the tree (or vine) of knowledge, the one with the forbidden fruit Eve will eventually eat.
Are they not the seeds you planted?
He has a bride: Lilith: a raven-haired demon cursed by her sin of rebelliousness. Sheâs Adamâs first wife, who rebels against him and against God, and flees from the Garden of Eden. Sheâs known for her dark, uncontrollable and dangerous sexuality; sheâs the mother of demons. God tries to get her back, but she has slept with Samael already. With him, she creates a host of demon children.
Now you know the meaning of the wine on *that* peak. And there you have it, folks: the queer couple of âRings of Powerâ is Sauron and Adar, and this should surprise no one, really. Adar was obviously the spiteful ex-lover on a personal vendetta, and the show even went with the âbury your gaysâ trope with him. And Sauron is the queerest character to ever queer, so thereâs that.
What this Uruk right here is saying is that he ate the âforbidden fruitâ, too. Because he âsaw it, it was beautifulâ.
Back to Samael and the Garden of Eden; in some versions heâs the serpent itself, while in others he rides the serpent. Either way, heâs involved. He tempts Eve into eating the forbidden fruit, the original sin, lust. In one text, Samael actually had sex with Eve and impregnated her; heâs the father of Cain. God eventually castrated Samael to prevent him from filling the world with his demonic offspring.
Both of these demons are connected to another: Asmodeus (âwrath-demonâ). The demon of lust (âoriginal sinâ), the king of demons, the prince of pleasures, the patron of passions, and the lord of luxury. Heâs the Devilâs wingman, whoâs known as a trickster, a shapeshifter, and a seducer who deceives people, causing them to stray from Godâs path. He whispers into peoplesâ ears, and inflames their passions and desires. Heâs connected to power, seduction and testing of wills. While Lilith seduces men; Asmodeus seduces women. Heâs known for being beautiful, charming and for his engaging nature.
In Lurianic Kabbalah, these three demons - Lilith, Samael, and Asmodeus - are connected, and interact with each other, in cooperation, to create a powerful force of evil to challenge God and humanity.
Which means, itâs possible to draw inspiration from these myths to create one single character. Which explains why Sauron has elements of both Samael (although I would argue this is more Morgoth coded), Asmodeus, and even Lilith when he was at Morgothâs side and seduced Adar. Right now heâs on his âAsmodeus eraâ, so he seduces and wants women (Mirdania and Galadriel).
Evil takes root: Full-on penetration, followed by ejaculation (blood binding; the crown ejaculates Sauronâs blood into Galadrielâs chest).
But Eve wanted to eat the forbidden fruit. She wanted to bite into it, it was consensual. She was tempted, and she succumbed to temptation, to lust. Like Adar drank the red wine Sauron gave him. He drank it all.
So whatever is happening here is meant to be seen as consensual. No idea why they decided to make it look so brutal, then. However, and playing the Devilâs advocate here; why would Galadriel surrender her chest for stabbing, in the first place? Which leads me to next religious reference at play in this scene:
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âRings of Powerâ also went all the way with the The Ecstasy of Saint Teresa/Galadriel reference, by having her orgasm after getting stabbed in the chest by the spear of an angel of fire.
And Galadriel "ate the forbidden fruit", too. And she's about to join Sauron/the serpent.
But she snaps out of it (via Nenya), and jumps off the cliff. But it's too late, because evil already took root:
#rings of power#the rings of power#Galadriel trop#Galadriel rings of power#Sauron rings of power#Sauron rop#Adar#Galadriel rop#Sauron trop#saurondriel#sauron x galadriel#Adar the rings of power#Adar RoP#Adar trop#galadriel x sauron#haladriel#sauron x adar
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SATAN
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WHO IS HE?
In the Middle Ages, Satan played a minimal role in christian theology and was used as a comic relief figure in mystery plays. During the early modern period, Satan's significance greatly increased as beliefs such as demonic possession and witchcraft became more prevalent.Â
Although Satan is generally viewed as evil, some groups have very different beliefs. In theistic Satanism, Satan is considered a deity who is either worshipped or revered. In atheistic Satanism, Satan is a symbol of virtuous characteristics and liberty.Â
BASIC INFO:Â
Appearance: Satan's appearance is never described in the bible, but, since the ninth century, he has often been shown in christian art with horns, cloven hooves, unusually hairy legs, and a tail, often naked and holding a pitchfork. These are an amalgam of traits derived from various pagan deities, including Pan, Poseidon, and Bes.Â
Personality: he is known to be cunning, straight forward, and strict. He is not seen as a malevolent force, but rather as an entity who challenges individuals to overcome challenges and fears.
Symbols: pentagram, wings, fire, goatâs head, and upside down cross
Entity of: temptation, hell, misfortune, and hard ship
Culture: Demonic
Plants and trees: deadly nightshade, wolfsbane, holly, pothos, datura, blackberry, nettle, briar rose, apple tree, thistle, and poisonous plants in generalÂ
Crystals: ruby, black obsidian, red jasper, black tourmaline, smoky quartz, and amethyst
Animals: black animals in general, serpent, bats, dragon, goat, black cats, ravens, crows, spiders, wolves, and vultures
Incense: dragonâs blood, apple, copal, and myrrh
Practices: shadow work, passion and desire magick, protection, setting boundaries, and death magick
Colours: red and black
Numbers: 6 and 1
Zodiacs: Taurus and Libra
Tarot: The Devil
Planet: Venus
Days: Friday, Devilâs Night, and Lupercalia
Parent: N/A
Siblings: N/A
Partner: Lilith (not confirmed)
Children: N/A
MISC:
Goats: the association between Satan and goats has deep roots in mythology and religious symbolism. The image of a goat-like being with horns and hooves has been used for millennia to represent power, sexuality, and the wild or untamed aspects of nature.
Pentagram: in Western occult and mystical traditions, the pentagram can be associated with Satan due to its connection with the material and the earthly, as well as its association with the forces of darkness and chaos. In some traditions, the downward-pointing pentagram â also known as the "upside-down" or "inverted" pentagram â has been used as a symbol of anti-religious or Satanic beliefs. It's important to note, however, that interpretations of the pentagram's meaning can vary and there is no one definitive "Satanic" interpretation of this symbol.
Wings: Satan is often depicted as a fallen angel who was cast out of heaven for his rebellion against god. In many depictions, Satan is represented with wings as a symbol of his former status as an angel, or alternatively a mark of his fall from grace. Satan's portrayal with wings can be seen as a visual representation of his freedom, his ability to soar above the constraints of mortal life, and his role as a symbol of rebellion and opposition to religious authority.
Fire: in the context of Satan, fire is often associated with destruction, chaos, and the dark side of human nature. The image of Satan as a being surrounded by flames or depicted as a fiery being can symbolize both his destructive potential and his role as a symbol of defiance and rebellion.
Serpent: the association of Satan with the serpent comes from the story of the Garden of Eden in the book of Genesis. In this story, the serpent tempts Eve to eat the forbidden fruit, leading to Adam and Eve's fall from grace and god's subsequent expulsion from the garden. The serpent in this story is often identified as Satan, or a representative of Satan, and the serpent has become a powerful symbol of temptation, cunning, and deception. It represents Satan's power of temptation and his role as a tempter of humanity.
FACTS ABOUT SATAN:
Many theistic Satanistâs view Lord Satan as a fatherly figure or brotherly figure.
Satan represents pride, liberty, and individualism.
He is often depicted as the embodiment of rebellion, defiance, and opposition to authority.
In some traditions, Satan is associated with the concept of the carnal or sensuous, representing the earthly pleasures of the body and the physical realm.
Satan is sometimes portrayed as a figure of chaos and destruction, but also seen as a liberator and a symbol of individual freedom.
He is often associated with the number 666.
HOW TO INVOKE SATAN:
Invoking Satan or any deity or spirit is a personal and often private spiritual practice. There is no one "right" way to invoke Satan, but here is a basic method you can begin by cleansing and consecrating a sacred space. You can do this using sage, salt, or other purifying methods. Set up an altar for the invocation, and place symbols of Satan on it. This could include black candles, pentagrams, serpent imagery, etc.
Prepare an invocation or prayer that you can use to call upon Satan. You can find examples online or create your own. Light the black candles and the incense and begin to recite the invocation.
PRAYER FOR SATAN:
Hail Lord Satan, Lord of the Underworld, I call upon thee in this hour.
Please come to me and be present in this place.
I honour your strength, power, and wisdom.
Guide me on the path of knowledge and darkness.
Grant me your blessings and protection, and help me achieve my goals.
Hail Lord Satan, Lord of darkness and light, ruler of the night.
I welcome you into this space, and I am forever your disciple. Hail Lord Satan.
SIGNS THAT SATAN IS CALLING YOU:
A sudden increase in synchronicities or unusual coincidences related to occult or dark themes
Repeated dreams or visions involving Satanic symbols or figures
Being drawn to occult, pagan, or Satanic practices and beliefs
Feeling of power or energy coursing through your body that seems to come from an external source
An urge to explore forbidden or taboo subjects
A sense of being "chosen" or "special" and having a unique spiritual path.
Feeling a connection to nature, animals, and the natural world, as well as a distaste for artificiality or mainstream culture.
Having a deep interest in the darker aspects of life, such as death, suffering, and the mysteries of the universe.
Experiencing a powerful attraction to dark, gothic, or rebellious aesthetics
Observing sudden changes in behaviour, such as increased energy and confidence.
OFFERINGS:
Chocolate.
Red wine.
Whiskey.
Animal bones.
Poetry.
Black roses.
Incense.
Black tea.
Music.
Drawings and painting of him.
Imagery of animals he is associated with: goats, serpents, dragons, etc.
Cinnamon.
Blackberries.
Grapes.
Coffee beans.
Pentagrams.
Liquor.
Black or red candles.
DEVOTIONAL ACTS:
Taking time for yourself, such as self care.
Meditating on his energy.
Practicing yoga or other physical disciplines to cultivate focus and strength.
Reading or studying texts related to Satanism or the occult.
Listening to dark or heavy music to invoke a certain atmosphere.
Keeping a spiritual journal to document experiences and insights.
Practicing solitary rituals or ceremonies to strengthen your connection with him.
Creating and maintaining a private altar for Satan, with appropriate symbols and offerings.
Performing candle magick or other spells to invoke Satan's presence and influence.
Participating in online communities or in-person groups of Satanists or occult practitioners.
Visiting places of dark or forbidden beauty, like graveyards, forests, or caves.
Exploring symbolism associated with Satan, such as the pentagram, the black goat, or the serpent.
Practicing divination techniques, such as tarot or scrying, to gain insight from Satan.
Studying the writings or teachings of influential Satanists such as Anton Szandor LaVey.
#fyp#fypăˇ#fypăˇăviral#fypage#fyppage#tumblr fyp#witchcraft#witch#witches#witchcore#witchblr#witch community#satanism#theistic satanism#theistic satanist#deity#entity#deity work#satan#demonic entity#demon#info post#information#helpful#masterlist#themortuarywitch
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Spoilers ahead for Project: Edenâs Garden regarding the first trial, itâs blackened, along with the murder victim. First trial and Bible comparison ahead!
Thereâs something very symbolic about the first blackened in Edenâs Garden (or, the âGarden of Edenâ) being a woman, much less one named Eva.
Eva is a variant name of Eve, meaning âlifeâ. In addition, Eva also became the blackened due to a pursuit of forbidden knowledge, the traitor perk, much like Eve. Now, this knowledge wouldnât technically have been forbidden, except Damon advised her not to share it. This decision directly led to her feeling more isolated rather than accepted by the group. Damon, here, arguably represents the Serpent who inspires Eve to bite the apple, a serpent very prominent on his design. Meanwhile the group of students could represent âHeavenâ or âangelsâ that Eva is turning away from, especially since Eve was created second, and not the âfavoured humanâ.
Wolfgang is fitting to his own role, I think, that being the âRighteous Manâ, Adam. The Angels believed Adam could do no wrong, but itâs seen in the game that Wolfgang, in trying to be Righteous, only ends up creating an environment that fosters his own death, but the group doesnât believe it, even when Eva confesses her motive.
Adam, when he does not trust Eve with knowledge, causes her to meet with the serpent instead, who guides her actions to release sin unto humanity.
Wolfgang, by not trusting Eva into their group due to their differing of opinions, causes her to turn only to Damon before anyone rather than the âgroupâ mindset. Damon, another outcast by Wolfgangâs righteousness, says they should keep this knowledge to themselves. This causes the chain of events that allows Eve to open the vault herself, and for Tozu (or the Devil, with this metaphor) to bring the Killing Game into the school.
I donât think itâs a PERFECT metaphor, for obvious reasons like âbut that means Eve would be killing Adamâ and âDamonâs morals are weird but not Devil-level evilâ but thereâs so many parallels I wanted to throw together a post about it because I really think it fits together well! There might be more stuff I missed so I encourage more additions or contributions from people who remember more game details or have a more in-depth knowledge of Bible lore than I do, it seems like an interesting rabbit hole to go down!
#p:eg chapter 1#damon maitsu#project edens garden#project eden's garden#eva tsunaka#wolfgang akire#p:eg tozu#Bible metaphor#project edenâs garden ch1#project: eden's garden#spoilers âproject edenâs garden#p:eg
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My Thoughts on Caleb's Biblical Symbolism
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This is going to be long-winded and essentially a rant (so don't expect me to make sense). Also probably not accurate as these are simply MY thoughts based on the little info we know from the events of the game along with Caleb's trailer(s) and the teasers/showcases of his cards posted. As well as his commissioned art. Also, spoilers if you haven't read Chapter 4 of the game yet.
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I've seen many people talk about things such as the cultural significance of Caleb's dynamic with MC and trope and character but I haven't seen a lot about his biblical symbolism.
Of course, as anyone who cares can tell, Caleb is an obvious reference to the story of Adam and Eve.
In the story of Adam and Eve, the first humans created by God lived in the Garden of Eden, basically a utopia absence of violence, and most importantly for this analysis; sin. They are allowed to eat from any fruits in the garden save for those from the Tree of Knowledge. Despite knowing this, Eve, having been tempted by the serpent does so after being implored to do so to attain the knowledge of both good and evil. Not only does she eat from the tree she gets her lover, Adam to do so as well.
As a result, Eve is punished to experience the pains of childbirth and to desire her husband but be ruled over by him and Adam to be cursed with the death of labor before both are promptly cast out of the Garden of Eden.
This probably isn't the exact story, but it's the story I grew up knowing of.
One thing I can't help but notice is that in Caleb's first official commission art (art that devs commission from artists) is that in the art Caleb is holding out an apple presumably for the MC to eat as a snake is coiled around his hand while both of them are surrounded by greenery.
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Though, the story of Adam and Eve actually never describes the fruits as being an apple, It doesn't describe it all in fact. For all we know it could've been a durian. But the common assumption is that the fruit Eve ate was an apple. That paired with the setting, the snake, MC leaning in as if to take a bite makes it pretty obvious that he's supposed to reference the story of Adam and Eve paired with the apple we see on his dog tag, even his profile picture, then in his trailers and even in the teaser for Farspace Deprivation they mention sin which I'll come back to later.
The first thought I had was that Caleb was the serpent which tempted Eve (us/mc). And it would fit him well considering that in both his trailer and the teasers for his card he feels so manipulative? This is especially the case with his Farspace Bloomfall.
Like there is no way you can look at this and not think he's manipulating the fuck out of us. But even with that, I believe that rather than him representing the serpent which deceives Eve (mc), I am of the opinion he represents Eve who eats from the tree of knowledge.
A part of it also has to do with his second and most recent commission art.
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One thing I noticed about this piece was that he and MC seem to be in the sky, supposedly falling. It could (and probably is) a reach but it reminds me of when Adam and Eve are cast out from the Garden of Eden by God. Considering how this is a lot more grim (?) compared to the first commissioned art, the same way Caleb's official appearance as a love interest is a lot darker than his first appearance as a character.
To me, even though there's a high possibility that it is, I don't consider the tone shift in his commissioned art a coincidence at all. This and his re-appearance as a love interest show Adam and Eve were cast out of the Garden of Eden. Caleb and the MCs life together before the explosion was their eden. an idyllic utopia absent of sin. Whatever it was that led up to that explosion was Caleb eating from the Tree of Knowledge. The serpent in the bible convinces Eve that eating from the Tree of Knowledge would give her knowledge of both good and evil, making her like God. I believe whatever knowledge Caleb now knows is the evil that has completely traumatized him.
Another reason why I believe that Caleb represents Eve requires us to go back to his card; Farspace Deprivation.
MC calls him a sinner and not only does he admit to being a sinner (carrying sin) but asks us to carry it as well. Eve is often interpreted as having beguiled Adam into sinning with her (eating from the Tree of Knowledge). However, there is no mention (to my memory) of it in the bible. But when God confronts Adam he blames Eve and Eve then blames the serpent which is probably where the interpretation comes from.
And while it may seem like a stretch, I wholeheartedly believe that the last sentence is his way of beguiling us. I don't think it's in the sense he's completely faking referenced loneliness. It is my belief that all the emotions we see Caleb express are real but he recognizes the fact that we are weak to them and leans into that to appeal to us and by god does it work.
But putting this aside, my main point in going back to analyze the lines in Farspace Deprivation is that I not only believe that this exchange cements the idea that Caleb is meant to represent Eve and us Adam but like in the story the two of us carry a shared sin and like Adam and Eve we will also carry a punishment (not like the ones in the bible obviously). Or maybe we already have and MC has just been yet to realize. Maybe we had already bitten into the fruit of knowledge without having even realized it and are being punished for it.
Additionally, I'd like to add that Adam and Eve sinning is also what granted (imo at least) humans free will. The same way in which Caleb doing so (according to my longwinded and olympian levels of stretching theory) granted him freedom. in the "Homecoming Wings" video he says he held himself back and endured day after day, then describes it as being suffocating. To me, this is referencing his feelings for us. He held himself back from exposing his true feelings to us to maintain our Garden of Eden, but by abandoning that world he's freed himself from playing the role of our gege.
Now it's a matter of whether the freedom of sinning outweighs the punishment that follows. What if Eve never gave into the serpent? What if she and Adam continued to live idyllicly in that utopia? What if that explosion never happened? What if Caleb continued to be by our side, in our memories as our gege and not Caleb? What if humans never experienced suffering, pain, grief, and death? We will never know for humans will never be sinless and Caleb and MC will never know for they are forever sinners.
Art's Source: https://x.com/chimmyming
#lads caleb#love and deepspace caleb#lnds caleb#love and deepspace#lads#lnds#analysis#character analysis#fan theory#love & deepspace#l&ds#deepspace
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Carpe Noctem [Chapter One]
ONE: âAll these spindly rootsâ
Series Masterlist | Main Masterlist
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Pairing: Vampire!Matt Murdock x F!Nun!Reader
Chapter Warnings: Religious imagery & symbolism, mentions of rehab, crisis of faith, mentions of blood, the typical "animal attacks" aka vampire attacks, mentions of childhood trauma, stalker vibes at the end, Dead Dove Do Not Eat (the entire series)
Chapter Summary: You return to Clinton Church for the first time since Father Lantom saved your life, but what you first believed as an opportunity to start over reveals itself as a mountain of secrecy you have yet to uncover. Needless to say, your first week as a sister at Saint Agnes leaves you with more questions than answers, and an impending sense of darkness coming to get you.
Word Count: 6.8k
A/n: I finally got this done! I started with 3k words and it doubled in size. But I suppose it is enough to set the scene a little. We will certainly be diving deeper in a short while...
Read Me On AO3!
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Sunlight streams through the colorful mosaic of stained glass. Red fades into magenta and violet, and blue fades into yellow. Innocence is a fleeting concept in this modern-day garden of Eden, and salvation remains merely a whispered promise.Â
Centuries rest on the shoulders of those hallowed walls; the knees of countless worshippers have left indentations on the wooden benches, too many to count, even, but a tragic beauty remains in the art of architecture that stands tall amidst worn-down brownstones in the heart of Hellâs Kitchen.Â
Catholics believe in the Devil. He preys on the innocent and makes them eat their souls like Eve bit the apple. He corrupts them, slowly, passionately, and intimately until they have nothing left. Then, and only then, does he take them by the hand, and he drags their lifeless bodies down to the fiery pits of hell.Â
You once danced with him. You met him, and you were charmed by him. You shared a bed with him. You loved him. But then the snake whispered about the forbidden fruit, and you had to taste it. You were already broken when he found you. You were shattered glass on white marble floors, bleeding wine into the cracks. The serpent didnât have to tryâyou fell hard and fast for his blatant corruption. A silver tongue whispering the sweet promise of salvation to a broken soul, but you never saw the end of it.
Three years you spent surrounded by brick walls and sycamore trees. It was ironic, really. You, the least catholic person to have ever breathed, confined to the walls of a nunnery. For three years, you prayed your knees bloody, yet three years later, it still feels like you learned nothing at all.Â
You professed your first vows shortly after you returned to New York. It is a vivid memory. You thought you would never see the city again, not after everything the cold and dark streets put you through, but it was the only place willing to give you something to live for. To survive for.
The cold of the marble stairs before the altar will forever remain etched into your skin. Candlelight reflected in your eyes. When you lifted your gaze, you remember, you met the hollow eyes of Mary as she looked down on you. Like her inanimate features were suddenly overcome by a wave of shame for you. Her hands were clasped in prayer, as most of her statues are. A figure from thousands of retellings forever cast in stone. She was given no choice, but neither were you.
The church was alight with the wonders of early spring the day you took your first vows. Yet, when you met the dead eyes of the Virgin Mary, a shadow cast over her pale features like a widowâs dark veil. The sun disappeared behind a set of clouds with the promise of rain, and the kaleidoscope of colors from the stained glass faded into gray. The walls around you resembled more of an asylum, the priest before you reciting a Bible verse you still fail to remember even to this day. You werenât listening. A voice was calling for you, and the darkness threatened to possess you with its magic.
The longer you stared at the statue, the more the stories set into the churchâs window started to come to life. A window to the soul of Christianity: Mary and Jesus, and the apostles, and Judas betraying Jesus; Godâs son dying on the cross for all of our sins before rising and ascending to heaven. Judas was greedy, or so they say. He gave up his friend for money, and in return, they both suffered.Â
The serpent that tempted Eve crawled out of the glass and toward you, the original sinner. Every story played like a bad movie before your eyes, coming at you inhumanly fast. The voice in the back of your mind kept getting louder, and louder and louder as it called your name.Â
Your sins hung above your head like a guillotine, the very fruits of your labor you had to bear far too young. A daughter, not a son. An inconvenience to those who bore you. You were forsaken from the start, you were told, and the day you took your first vows to become a child of God after being no oneâs daughter for most of your life, the walls of the church seemed to know that even after hours of confessing all of your sins to the priest, no Hail Mary could ever take them away. They would always be there until the day you die. You could have done penance until your knees were bloodyâyou would always be a sinner in the eyes of the church.Â
You had the Devil inside you, they said. Because you let him inside. And he did not hesitate to steal your virtue from the source, forever tainting the well of your innocence.Â
âIn the presence of God, the Blessed Virgin Mary, and all the saints, I humbly offer myself to His service,â you recited on those marble steps, but the shadow only continued to grow around you, wrapping its black wings around you. The fallen angel. Was it you or the Devil?Â
The people around you disappeared. You werenât taking your vows that day; you were standing trial in front of God and all his disciples who came before you. You were taking a stand, and only the jury could decide if you were worthy of your title.Â
âI vow to embrace the holy virtues of chastity, poverty, and obedience, following in the footsteps of our Lord Jesus Christ and the teachings of the Holy Scriptures,â you said. âI promise to submit myself to the will of God and commit to live out these vows faithfully all the days of my life. Always.â
Amen.
You lay your broken soul bare, cuffing yourself to the congregation with unbreakable steel and throwing away the key. And there remained the voice, calling for you from the threshold to the darkness.
You thought you could ignore it. Until you returned to Hellâs Kitchen.Â
Until him.
Your heels drag over the stone floors of the seemingly endless hallway stretching through Clinton Church. The walls look different when youâre not running. When you can breathe without yearning for means of self-destruction that set fire to your lungs.Â
When you asked Father Lantom if you could come back to Clinton Church, he didnât hesitate. You were unsure what it would be like. The last time you were here, the circumstances that led you into the arms of the empathetic priest were anything but conventional. The memories you have since tied to this place are a conflict between reaching your breaking point and begging for someone, anyone, to help you, and the overwhelming guilt that came with committing the worst of crimes, and a cardinal sin.
You were not a woman of God. You doubt you were a human being at all. If anything, you were a puppet.Â
Father Lantom said three years ago, âWhen you feel ready to take your first vows, come back. I will always have a room waiting for you.â And come back, you didâfor he was the one who held your hand when you were falling into an abyss headed for certain death. When you were covered in blood and feared you would burn in hell, the past came back to haunt you with pitchforks and execute you at the stake for the entire town to see. He was there, and in that moment you knew you could not disappoint him. It was then you first started believing in the idea of God.
You gaze down at your habit. The tunic, the cincture, and the veil. You have never been more dressed up, yet you have never felt more naked in the eyes of another man. The fear of judgment for choosing a path you once thought you would only pick over your dead body is rooted so deeply within you that it nails you to an invisible cross.Â
âThree years,â the priest breaks the silence. You look over at him, walking beside you as he leads you around the hidden corners youâre not yet familiar with.Â
You nod. âThree years,â you repeat. âDoesnât feel like that long ago.â
Sensing your conflict and the underlying insecurity that renders you speechless a lot of the time, Father Lantom clears his throat. âYou lookâŚbetter,â he says.
âThank you, Father. My time at St. Anneâs was very⌠self-reflective. I learned a lot.â
âGood. Iâm proud of you.â
Your wide eyes snap back up at him. Oh.Â
Pride is not the word you would have used. Proud of you, he said. He sent you away to cleanse your soul, and most days you are not sure if it even worked, but he is proud of you. The man who only knows the worst version of you looked at you and saw good instead of evil. It is a concept that had once been so foreign to you.Â
âThank you,â you whisper.Â
âFor what?â he asks.
âThis. Everything.â You shrug. âI wasnât sure if you still wanted me here, so hearing you say thatâŚit means a lot to me.â
âI promised you would always have a room here if you chose to come back.â
There is so much sincerity in his voice. In his eyes. You swallow thickly, feeling the tears burn behind your eyes. You donât want to cry in front of him, but the words die miserably on your tongue. Instead, you nod. You just hope your eyes manage to convey what you want to say.
The priest leads you to a door that connects the church with the grounds of the orphanage next door. âYou will be living with the other sisters at Saint Agnes,â he tells you. The change of subject is welcome. âAfter we had to close our convent because Tony Stark could not be bothered to fund our restoration, all postulants who have since wanted to join our order were sent to study at St. Anneâs. Like you. But most of them stayed there,â his tone changes slightly into hurting. âThey offer a lot more than we can. Donations can only get us so far, and we barely get those anymore.â
âIâm sorry,â you cut in.Â
He sighs, waving your concern off with the flick of his wrist. âWe make due, and now that youâre here⌠well, the sisters are going to appreciate the extra help.â Father Lantom puts on another smile like you would put on your veil. âWe donât have any separate living quarters, unfortunately,â he states, âso your room is a floor above the childrenâs dormitories. Sister Grace offered to show you around.â
âSister Grace?â
âSheâs the one in charge.â
Your eyes flick back to the walls youâre passing. Intricate details are carved into the stone even here, far away from the chapel. These hand-made masterpieces breathe a certain eeriness into the church. Not just life but a certain wave of mystique because even the stories from the bible are left open for interpretation, especially when they are turned into art.Â
A sense of doom falls over you like a dark cloud. âDoes she know?â you ask.Â
Father Lantom raises his eyebrows. He studies your features. Your chin tipped toward the ceiling, observing. He notices the gentle shift in your breathing pattern as your heartbeat speeds up, and when you meet his eyes again after an agonizing bout of silence, he smiles at you once again.Â
âSister Grace?â he inquires. You nod. âWell,â he says, âShe does know. Sheâs the abbess. I had to let her in when I told her you were coming here, but I assure you, she swore to the utmost discretion.â
You breathe out. The weight rests heavily on your chest. âAnd everyone else?â You turn back to him.Â
The Father shakes his head. His eyes are so gentle. âItâs not my story to tell,â he says. âIf thereâs one thing I learned after years of talking to peopleâtaking their confessions, listening to their fears, their anger, and their painâitâs that we all suffer. We all have things weâd rather not talk about.â
The words penetrate your heart like a sharp dagger.Â
âAnd as humans, we tend to often see our burdens as sins, even if those apparent sins hurt us, or we had to commit them to protect ourselves from getting hurt. And sometimes, hurt people do stupid things. Objectively stupid, that is. It doesnât mean we are going to hell for doing what it takes to survive. People suffer, and most of the time, that suffering doesnât stop. Thatâs the truth,â he says. âNow, a lot of these people come to confession because they think it will give them a clear conscience, which it does, momentarily. They believe that God will make the pain go away with the snap of his omniscient fingers. A few Hail Marys, a few extra hours at Sunday mass, and your burdens will be dealt with. That is not the truth. Confession is not therapy because penance does not heal decades of trauma. If that were how it works, we would collapse from overcrowding.â
Father Lantom breaks off with a chuckle, but you canât find amusement in his wisest insight. Itâs real, too real. You canât even muster a pity smile.Â
âWhy do we do it then?â you ask.Â
âDo you want the Catholic answer or my personal opinion?â
âIf those donât intersect, Iâll choose the latter. Please.â
He takes a moment. âWell, confession works as a tool,â he explains then. âGod knows the difference between an actual sin and human nature. Sometimes, these two are the same, but a lot of the time, there is a big difference, and He knows that. Confession helps regain balance where youâre standing with your faith. Thatâs why we do it. Because faith⌠faith can be a strong motivator. Thatâs why a lot of usâsisters, priests, and⌠and monksâare here now. Because we found a passion and a purpose in devoting ourselves to God. Itâs not for everyone, of course, but it is a clean slate if you want it to be. Whether you tell the other sisters about why you chose this path, is up to you. Not me. Because that trauma is yours, and yours alone.â
The silence stretches between you, long, longer, as the church holds its breath. You absorb every word and every breath of his like a sponge. You swallow them. A bitter pill, thatâs what it is. It goes down like hard liquor.Â
You walk a few more steps in that silence with his eyes on you and the world on fire within. âFather,â you whisper. The sound is not more than that. âThank you.â
âYouâre welcome,â he says. And this time, you smile at him.
Behind the door that leads to the orphanage, another hallway awaits. The walls smell faintly of mossânature but a bit rotten. A woman in a similar habit makes her way toward the two of you from the end of the hall. She carries herself with a quiet air of authority. You canât look through her.Â
Father Lantom may have vouched for Sister Grace and her discretion, but her judgment is not his to determine. She is her own woman, with thoughts only she can determine. Youâre not sure if you are ready for that, either.Â
He greets her with a smile. âSister Grace,â he says.
âFather. Good morning,â at him, she smiles.Â
He nudges you forward. âI have someone I want you to meet.â
Her gaze shifts to you then. âThe uniform is unmistakable.â She nods. âWelcome, Sister.â
Itâs a start, a small step towards finding your place within these hallowed walls.Â
âThank you, Sister,â you reply. âItâs nice meeting you.â
âLikewise. Though itâs been a while since we had someone new here. So young, too.â
âI know. Father Lantom mentioned. Iâll try my hardest not to disappoint you.â
She nods. âLetâs get you settled into your room first before we worry about that. I believe Father Lantom has mass to prepare.â
Father Lantom gives you a reassuring nod. âIâll leave you in Sister Graceâs capable hands. And remember, you are not alone. If you need help with anything, donât hesitate to come and find me.â With that, he turns and makes his way back through the door you came from, leaving you with your fellow sister and a lump in your throat.
She leads you down the corridor. âThis way,â she says. âYour room is above the childrenâs dormitories. Second floor. Youâll find it quiet enough for reflection but close enough to be of help when needed.â
Her tone suggests that you will be plenty busy, no matter where your room is in the building. More work means less time to think, and less time with your thoughts sounds like a blessing.
As you follow her, the faint sounds of children playing filter through the walls. Itâs a comforting contrast to the silence youâve grown accustomed to.Â
Sister Grace opens a door to a narrow staircase, and you both begin to climb. âThe other sisters will be eager to meet you,â she says over her shoulder.
You nod, even though she canât see you. âI am, too,â you answer.
At the top of the stairs, she leads you down another hallway, then finally stops at a simple wooden door. âThis one...will be your room.â She pushes it open to reveal the small space behind, connected to a window with a clear view of the adjacent cemetery. âI admit, it is a little scarce,â Sister Grace says, âbut you are more than welcome to add a few personal touches; pictures, curtains, maybe even a plant or two. Donât worry, Father Lantom encourages it.â
The wooden floorboards creak beneath your weight as you step inside. You look around. A single bed, neatly made with crisp white linens and a worse-for-wear mattress occupies one corner of the room, a crucifix nailed above the headrest, and casting a faint shadow on the aged plaster walls. On the other side, a desk and a wardrobe offer some storage space that leads to a second doorâthe bathroom. It is scarce, but you came here with nothing but a cardboard box filled with your hopes and dreams and books and diaries; people have built homes from less.Â
âOur shared kitchen is downstairs. Feel free to store your food in the fridge, but donât forget to label the containers if you donât wish to share.â Sister Grace pauses, chuckling softly as her hazel eyes meet yours. âYou wouldnât believe it, but even nuns can be picky eaters, and very territorial about snacks.â
You smile, but your attempt at kindness falls into artificiality. âThank you.â
âNonsense. We look after each other around here.â
There has to be more to it, surely. Innocent may be a construct, but most of the sisters in the community were born into their faith. They started studying from a young age, always destined to dedicate themselves to the cause. You were far from religious before destiny found you dying in the flames of your old life. Whether destiny or a curse befell you that night remains open for interpretation. You have seen it both ways. An opportunity arose. You received a second chance from a very nice man, but the price to pay was your soul sacrificed to a God you once thought you would never believe in.Â
Do you have faith or do you not? It is a loaded question. You think you do. You want to know you do too, but you are never fully certain. In the eyes of God, you are a loyal soldier who studied the scriptures and did her due diligence praying for penance, but when you look in the mirror, all you see is Judas.Â
A heavy breath ripples through you. âYou didnât have to let me in,â you whisper. âFather Lantom didnât have to offer me refuge, but he did. And youâre not judging me even though you have all right to⌠I just donât understand.â
Her answer is a shrug. âWhen you were desperate,â says the sister, âGod led you to us, and you found refuge at the church like so many before you. I donât believe that was a coincidence.â
You were covered in blood when you cameâyour hands stained with the essence of another manâs life, clothes torn beyond recognition. You can still feel his hands on you, wandering, lurking⌠The crimson had seeped into the fine lines of your palms. It took you days to get rid of it, and weeks more to scrub the last remains from under your fingernails down the drain.Â
You grapple with their decision. âI, uh⌠I wasnât sure. At St. Anneâs, they treated me like an outsider. Because I didnât grow up Catholic, andââ
âAnd you found your faith in rehab?â Sister Grace smiles knowingly. âTrust me, it happens so often that it no longer comes as a surprise.â
âBut there is still judgment. There will always be judgment,â you insist.
She takes your words into account, nodding. They digest for a brief moment until she breaks into a soft chuckleâa mere breath from her full-moon lips.Â
âA small piece of advice, if I may?â she asks. You hum. âIf you spend all your time here questioning whether God has forgiven you for your sins, your lack of faith in the Lord, as tiny as it may be, will always stand between you and taking your final vow. And if you keep worrying about the judgment of anyone other than God, you wonât find happiness.â
You vowed to dedicate your life to religious service, and if you donât close the last period of your study after taking temporary three vows with a solemn declaration to give up even the last of your possessions then the gap between you and God will be too big for you to ever be anything but a simple sister of the congregation.Â
But is that what you want? To close that gap and give yourself fully to a higher power? It would be a live sacrifice, you knew that from the start.
You believe in God and the Devil, and you believe in eternal damnation. And you believe that you are damned, too. Doomed, forsaken, and cursed. A scratched record. Godâs wrath is not a match for the fear you instill in yourself; your mere existence is maddening.Â
You are drowning in a darkness you were born with, and possessed by demons you never learned how to exorcize. Not even studying a newfound faith in God to get on the right path could get rid of the monsters that are not lurking under your bed or in the shadows but in the dark corners of your mind.
The beast inside of you has gone to sleep, but God knows that he is a ticking time bomb, even in a comatose state. The Devil has planted his seedâall these spindly roots growing from your soul to the pit of your stomach, digging their claws into your fragile heart and tearing you to shreds. The protective poison ivy you grew over the years can only last so long without water before it starts to wither.Â
You look over your shoulder when the door shuts gently behind Sister Grace as she leaves you be.Â
The cardboard box on your desk holds an abundance of scriptures, books, and leather-bound diaries. Your diaries. They told you that writing your feelings on paper would help you heal. If you crave something you know you should and cannot have, you should write it down; you have been for years now, but with every pen wasted and every diary hidden in compartments around your room so no one can find them, the words you write turn into firewood, and your tears are the gasoline.Â
Outside, the wind brushes through the trees. It beckons you, its tendrils creeping into your consciousness like creatures of the night reaching for the last flickers of light.
With a heavy heart, you flip open the worn-down leather. Seconds turn into minutes turn into hours turn into days. Knees turn bloody from praying, and the joy of one childâs happiness dies at the hands of anotherâs trauma.Â
Dear Diary,Â
Yesterday, the groundskeeper dug another hole in the cemetery. Father Lantom will officiate the funeral on Sunday. Another addition to the bones and rotting corpses hiding under a shield of dirt, but does anyone know what happens after?Â
I tried to ask the Father, but he didnât give me a satisfying answer. He told me what he thought I wanted to hear, but I did not. I canât help but wonder if he is protecting me or keeping secrets. The latter would be highly unethical, I suppose.Â
Other than maintaining a religious belief in heaven or hell or rebirth while we are alive, what does happen to us after we die? Is it definite? Is it infinite or is there something else, something... more?Â
Is it the Devil? Is it God? Or is it heaven and hell?Â
And why do they keep digging holes in the cemetery? The children keep asking me every day, but I do not know how to answer them.Â
Dear Diary, where do we go when it is all over?
The clinking of porcelain and cutlery emerges from the kitchen like a mushroom cloud. As you approach the dining room through a long hallway, the soft soles of your vinyl shoes barely make a sound. The voices inside overlap, but a few rise from the masses, demanding your attention. Like a moth to a flame, you fly toward it.Â
ââŚand they found another one this morning. Washed up on the river banks after the storm last night,â one of the sisters whispers to another.Â
âItâs been fifteen this month alone,â another one says. Â
âWhat kind of animal does that?â a third cuts in.
âThe kind that isnât an animal,â says the nun you now recognize as Sister Marjorie, the oldest of the bunch. âIt happens every two months for twenty years that bodies wash up on the shore, supposedly mauled by a bear or a baboon in the middle of Hellâs Kitchen, and then the city grows quiet again. Iâve been here for forty-five years, and it still happens like clockwork.â
The one next to her sighs. âWell, maybe itâs the changing climate. Lord knows it has humans and animals going crazy alike.â
âCanât you see?â Marjorie raises her voice. âThese arenât the actions of an animal. Itâs the Devil!âÂ
It seems as though the mere thought puts the fear of God in themâyour fellow sisters, usually so strong and collected, reduced to whispers of the rumor mill as the color fades from their skin.Â
Sister Grace clicks her tongue, interrupting them all at once. âThatâs enough,â she says, trying to remain calm but there is still a sense of urgency in her voice. Itâs not an exclamation but a well-concealed warning. Behind that façade hides a leader you would not want to cross twice.Â
Only one of Sister Marjorieâs eyes finds you standing there, eavesdropping like a misbehaving child. The other remains unmoving, caged in by a white scar across her cheek and an iris made of glass.Â
You swallow the lump in your throat. âAnimal attacks?â you dare to ask.Â
Heads snap toward you. The table falls speechless, compelled into a sudden silence by your presence. The world stops turning.Â
âOh, dear, donât you worry about that,â Sister Grace, the first to find her voice again, reassures you. She ushers you from the doorway to the table, but the eyes of your fellow sisters suddenly feel like tiny needles all over your skin. âItâs just idle gossip,â she says, shooting the others a glare, ânothing for you to concern yourself with.â
But the silence starts to wrap around your neck like a noose regardless. Curiosity is only appreciated when they can answer it, you have learned. In the eyes of God, lying is a sin, and you spend each day teaching the children to believe the same, but is omitting not essentially the same as lying?Â
Theyâre scared. They donât want to admit it; no one does. Fear does not fit under the veil of ignorance, so they try concealing it as idle gossip. The rumor mill is always spinning, and it is an outstanding excuse, but you will never forget the look in Marjorieâs eyes when you dared to askâdared to question.Â
A thud from outside causes you to sit upright in your bed later that evening. The springs that are digging into your lower back creak when you move so suddenly.Â
Through the window, you can see the cemetery hulled into a fog where cold and warm air meet for the night. You put the children to bed, got them dressed in their pajamas, brushed their teeth, and told the little ones a bedtime story. They like it when you do it. Something about the way you tell them fascinates their little minds, so it has become a ritual in the week you have been here.Â
The more it strikes you as odd that there is noise outside. After bedtime, no one is supposed to be out and about, and if a sister has something to do out of schedule, they have to share it with the group. For safeguarding reasons, they told you.Â
Against your better judgment, you roll out of bed and into your slippers, wrapping a cardigan around your body. Your nightgown is not the warmest thing to wear on these cold walls unless it is under a thick wool blanket.Â
The door creaks when you open it. Father Lantom gave you a flashlight a few nights ago because he asked you to take care of something on the church grounds for him after the sun had set, so you kept it. You werenât sure if you would still need it. Thankfully, you did.
You follow the noise to the back door one floor below. It leads out into the backyard, and a few more feet east, a fence and a gate separate the many acres of the cemetery from the rest of the churchâs grounds.Â
The flashlight illuminates the path before you. âIf itâs another stupid raccoon, I swearâŚâ you mutter to yourself. It wouldnât be the first time one of those critters found their way into the trashcans and caused mayhem in the middle of the night.Â
Somehow though, it always seems to be you who catches them. The night-owl. The one who is always on guard, always on edge, even when she knows she is safe.
You wander through the backyard, closer to the fence. You tilt your head. There is a small gap in the gate to the cemetery. The fog makes it harder to see.Â
âHello?â you call out into the darkness. Nothing.Â
Through the rustling of leaves and the howling of an owl in the woods far beyond Saint Agnes, a small whimper breaks the silence like a hot knife. It is faint, but unmistakable nonetheless.Â
You strain your ears. âOh no,â once again, you curse to yourself. âNo, no, noâŚâÂ
You follow the sound through the gate and into the cemetery. June Montgomery and her husband share a grave. They died over twenty years ago, but it is still well-maintained by their children and grandchildren. A few steps further though, the infestation of poison ivy begins.Â
The graves under the gigantic cherry tree are the most hidden, and the best hiding spots. You had to tell the children many times that the cemetery is not a hiding place, especially not for games, and never alone, even when the gates are open. The general public has access to it during the day, and if they wander too far, they will land on a populated street. Itâs dangerous.Â
You were so careful. You did everything by the book, and someone still managed to sneak out.Â
Your heart pounds in your chest, the wet grass soaking your thin slippers until you come upon a small figure huddled behind one of the bewildered gravestones. Sara Mayfield; she died in 1945. Your sigh resembles a cry of relief.Â
âTimmy!â you exclaim. âThank God!â
Heâs curled up into a ball behind the headstone. Tears stream down his cheeks in bottomless rivers. Your flashlight blinds him, and his whimpers escalate to sobs. Your heart shatters at the sight.Â
âHey there, it's okay,â you try to soothe him, crouching beside his tiny figure. âIt's just me. Hi. What are you doing out here all alone?â You shed your cardigan, wrapping it around his shoulders. âItâs the middle of the night, sweetheart.â
From what youâve learned about Timmy, his parents died in a freakish car accident about a year ago. He was in the car when his father fell asleep at the wheel and drove the car into a tree. His mother died instantaneously, but his father bled out right in front of him. He has been receiving therapy ever since he came to Saint Agnes, but he is a troubled child.Â
Timmy sniffles, accepting the makeshift blanket. He recognizes you, which is a good sign. âI had a nightmare,â he confesses. âI-I wanted to see the stars, but then I heard a crash, and I got scared.â
You wrap your arms around him. âItâs okay to be scared,â you say. âBut you shouldnât wander off by yourself, especially at night. You should have come to me, or Sister Grace.â
âIâm sorry, Sister.â
âNo, itâs okay. Iâm just glad nothing happened to you.â
His skin is clammy and cold. You donât know how long he has been out here, but he is also in no state to be questioned.Â
âCome on,â you say and lift him into your arms. âLetâs get you back inside.â
Together, you make your way back towards the orphanage. But as you approach the gate, there it is again, that voice. Whispers of nothing in the chilly breeze. The air crackles with a certain, sinister something. A chill runs down your spine, and the back of your skull starts to burn as though someone is watching you. Listening. Lurking. And it is not a raccoon this time.
You set Timmy down on his feet. He whimpers again. âGo to your room. Iâll be right there,â you tell him.Â
He looks up at you with his innocent blue eyes. âPromise?â he asks.Â
âYes. Promise.â
The boy lets go of your hand, quickly sneaking back inside. He knows better than to make any more noise. Any other sister would have threatened consequences. But heâs just a traumatized little boy, and the night is dangerous. Itâs creepy. Of course, it would only add to childish fear and trauma that has had time to manifest for an entire year.
You turn around when he is safely inside, pointing your flashlight in the direction where you came from.Â
You scan the blanket of fog for any sign of movement. And thatâs when you see itâa shadowy, obscured figure standing amidst the graves by the woods, behind the cherry tree.
Your breath catches in your throat, the whispers echoing in your mind once more. It could not be your name. Itâs something else. Latin, perhaps. What terrifies you most though is that you're not scared; you feel strangely drawn to the figure.Â
You hold your breath. The figure tilts its head, and you do the same. Your heartbeat remains eerily steady throughout. You should scream. You should alert everyone that there is somethingâsomeoneâout there, but they would call you crazy, surely. And maybe you are. No sane person hears voices and sees the darkness as a comforting presence. Not a nun. Not someone who is not supposed to let the Devil win. And what other explanation is there but for the figure to be a phantom of the Devil's making?Â
In the blink of an eye, the figure is gone. The hold on your lungs eases, and you gasp for air like a desperate woman.
Instinctively, you turn to the door and usher inside. Timmy is still standing there. âWhatâs wrong?â he asks.Â
You shake your head, trying to clear your mind. âNothing,â you say, but when you lock the door to make sure no one can get in or out, your hands shake. A single drop of sweat runs down your temple. âCome on.â
Inside, youâre freezing. Like a cold hand touched you and set you on fire, but it had claws that let the ice age into your heart, and now youâre poisoned.Â
Taking Timmy back to his room, you canât shake the feeling of unease that gnaws at your insides like a hungry beast. You tuck him in; you check under his bed for monsters, and you lock the windows. It takes a while for him to settle back into sleep, but when he finally does, you leave his room on your tiptoes and close it.Â
The other children are all peacefully asleep, and your fellow sisters seem to not have noticed the commotion you caused on your way in. Every door is lockedâyou check twice. Still, when you get to your room, your hands tremble once again when you use the key for the fragile lock for the first time.Â
Fear is not what compels you. Uneasiness, maybe, but not fear. The venom in your veins stems from something else entirely. You canât explain it. The feeling is familiar somehow, but so foreign at the same time.
You clutch the rosary from the nightstand over your diary, facing the fog you yearn for so desperately. âFoolish, foolish idiot,â you mutter.Â
Dear Diary,Â
Did I force myself upon God out of⌠of guilt? Or was it a sign that He led me to Clinton Church that night? I thought penance would wash away my sins, that by dedicating myself to Him, I could erase the past. You know, like magic. But I was so wrong. Father Lantom⌠He told me thatâs not how it works, and Sister Grace⌠Sheâs so sure that will stand in my way, and now I canât help but wonder⌠Did I study scripture and Catholic rules for the past three years like a mad woman out of faith or because I was trying to make good for something I did by neutralizing myself?
Iâm lost. I donât know the path to righteousness, and I donât know how to silence this⌠this darkness inside me. I can hear it calling my name. Every night⌠Iâm scared that Iâm not scared enough. Iâm a flawed creature; Iâm desperate and tired, but I donât want to disappoint Him. But how can I?Â
How do I serve a God I have been lying to from the start, and how the fuck do I fix this?
You squeeze your eyes shut, the pen cracking under the pressure, and the ink bleeds onto the page, over the letters and your broken heart. Your blue fingers wrap around the rosary again as what you have written disappears under the chemical ocean.Â
In the heat of the moment, you tear the page out of its confines, but it has tainted all the ones to come. You ruined it like you ruined yourself. The page had been you once, being bled all over by an ink meant to stain for the rest of your miserable life, but you tried to glue it back in place. You tried not to fall apart like your diary just did at your very handsâas everything you touch rots or turns to ashes eventually.
You ball a fist around the paper, tossing it across the room. It hits the window. You catch your runny reflection in the glass. To think you were just looking to be loved, to be seen and forgiven ever since you were a little girl dreaming of being a princess, but instead, you are falling apart.Â
But no, you will not let the Devil win. You pull the curtains closed, and you hide the cemetery where it belongsâwith the dead, both in heaven and hell and everything in between. The Devil canât have you because God already does.Â
You have to seize the night before it seizes you. Anything else would be, for the lack of a better word, certain suicide.Â
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