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serenemy · 2 months

Text

A Note From One of My Multiple Personalities to the Other(s) for Use the Next Time One or More of Us Lose(s) Contact With “Reality”

when i said “i thought everyone knew,” i meant i thought everyone knew the racism accusation was a real fight in that discord and be on notice it could potentially be a real person. i did not think everyone would know who that post was about. the whole point was the ridiculous lore that i had accused so many people of racism, so how could anyone know. it was always absurd. the elephant felt the need to volunteer uninvited that he considered my position stupid. in response i made a point about systemic and unconscious bias. i don’t remember anything else even remotely approaching an accusation of racism. it’s not clear to me eg that the central planner is. i don’t think he is. tho i remain wary. there is a reason he was one of my favorite people in that chat. yes i bitched about him behind his back about our areas of disagreement. but usually it was tinged with affection from my perspective and i said this on the record in dms you weren’t parties to from the beginning. what i actually said to the people i actually like is:

i disagree with him about many things but his intentions are so true and pure he is one of the people i would want to have in the foxhole with me if the shit ever hit the fan, even over certain people such as chucklefuck and chucklefuck who seemingly are closer to me on practical political strategy

here i must digress. we were only ever in agreement on strategy with regard to trumpism. i’m a libertarian free marketer. wonderfuck is an authoritarian socialist. i develop real relationships primarily based on moral values. all the other things people look for are secondary to me. i don’t let the people i really like get close. HOW MUCH MORE MUST I CONNECT THESE DOTS I BESEECH YOU YOU ARE VERY INTELLIGENT MEN

anyway i don’t remember calling anyone a racist except known self professed racists or randos i immediately block after saying it. the incidents you all refer to did not involve that. THEY STILL EXIST YOU CAN READ THEM FFS. THE DISAGREEMENTS MANBABY IS TALKING ABOUT ON X WERE SO SO BENIGN. he deleted his account but the replies by me that might look harsh were ones where we were actually agreeing *about someone else* being a racist. not him. and he brought up the subject and levied the accusation and i was just agreeing

anyway, i posted the first thing before deciding what i wanted to do with it except get things off my chest. when i first posted it in various places i seriously didn’t think anyone—with one limited exception—could be sure who it was about or whether it was real. the limited exception was the other discord mods who i thought might recognize enough details to at least wonder if it was real and if so have a theory about who it was about

but only if they read it which i considered unlikely. and the reason they would recognize details was precisely because i had enlisted their help to deal with the harassment it was about and through them issued the explicit warnings i’ve referenced

the reason i thought no one would/could know was because i specifically asked the person it was about whether anyone knew. he had asked me for secrecy. i never agreed because as i said then i just don’t do shit in the first place if i’m gonna feel ashamed about people knowing. i’ve failed that test fewer than a handful of times in my entire life and none of them were about this person

that’s part of what’s been so dumb about all this. i’m a lonely, open book. people could just ask. i would talk for hours without filters. i long to talk for hours with no filters. to some of you, specifically ffs!

anyway at one point later i was planning to start multiple bits that involved being romantically hard up. to some extent they all related to an idea about online content sparked years ago by a conversation with my sister who is a writer and involving combining the baubles i make with my fiction dabbling. to the extent i still haven’t executed it, it has to do with adhd, chronic illness, overriding higher interests (including one i previously had access to online: trying to lock a down a parasocial friendship with the person behind one of my favorite accounts), and (in the past) concerns about how much i was willing to and/or wanted to complicate my participation in a chat that is the only one i have ever belonged to outside discord and i personally think is probably one of the best chats on x with the exception of two members who suck and which contains a lot of religious married men

in any event i never agreed to secrecy and found the request childish and weird. (he also was weird about me needing to give his number to my family. like, dude, i am a grownup. i have a kid. i don’t just drop off the map for a bit ffs. also he constantly has nightmares about his father finding out about his various romantic/sexual pursuits and in retrospect i should have recognized that as the major red flag it is in a 35 year old man)

nevertheless as it happened at the time i was thinking about the bit i hadn’t told anyone online. but to make sure the content couldn’t be connected to him any way—i FUCKING ASKED HIM and he said no one knew

this happened in writing. ONLY THEN DID I BEGIN TO ROLL OUT THE BIT. now at this moment i have so many fucking conspiracy theories about everyone but me knowing. how could so many people turn out to be bizarre. in any case if that is what happened then i can’t imagine between this and the warnings i gave him through moderators why he went forward with harassing me about that ridiculous subject he had never once explained coherently to me and twice confirmed he believed i never intended to accuse anyone of racism or suggest people were being racist

maybe he did it because he was badgered into it by others. he is literally in some ways weak enough to do that, i think. maybe he knew he could lie his way out of it because he’s pulled that off a few times before. or maybe he did it because i forced his hand by temporarily posting but then quickly deleting something in the mods channel i couldn’t be sure anyone had seen that would have strongly suggested it to anyone who did. i should have thought things through more carefully so i wasn’t going back and forth in real time like that. i should have talked to the enchanted footwear

what i now think is that girl channel shit on discord and a bunch of other stuff were literally a ploy to get me off twitter. i loved that discord so much at the end. because i thought all that engagement was genuine 😔

i also thought the chucklefucks getting axed from ig chat was real. not just a ploy to get me out of the x chat, off of x, and separated from certain people. what that made me feel like was that if other moderators will axe them for the harassment how i can i do less for my own server? but i had made all these promises about not kicking people out preemptively and or without warning and i didn’t want to break that. occasionally i think i should have unilaterally axed them and let everyone who wanted to quit over it. but would i have just ended up overlord of a chat of people who don’t want me but remain for reasons i don’t get. like literally there was a mirror chat on another server already?? and also, like, i’m a grown up. i don’t fight over chats. ultimately i really just meant what i said and sort of think it had to happen the way it did to happen at all. i hopefully made the public record i wanted to make. i stood up for myself and the causes i believe in (which he knew i care about! btw; it’s not like i’m subtle about this or anything really) and i avoided being overlord of a chat of unwilling subjects

at the same time i see now better how things look if you knew i was getting run out of the other chat. (like was it literally scheduled for new year’s eve?🙃 and lmaooooo for the night i said i wasn’t leaving twitter ever)

i’m actually really grateful to the other dipshit for making the call and have never wanted “revenge” on him. remember he was in my dms prolifically too and *all* of his still exist including photos and details about his personal life and family. if i had ever been after revenge or upset about the boot i would and could have aimed a different direction

i have thought long and hard about why me assuring everyone i didn’t want back in and wasn’t bitter about it wouldn’t lay it to rest. here is what recently occurred to me: you know i caught a notification for the name change to the x chat because an old phone didn’t refresh until i unlocked it days later and i happened to notice it as i was dm’ing a person related to all this on ig. and i mentioned it to him and maybe he told you too and maybe you said some truly vile shit about me, maybe people (maybe even this person i was dm’ing) returned once i was gone. maybe even people who quit because they thought we were somehow being “evil” (to me? arising from me?) and the dynamic made them uncomfortable

and because you think i saw all that truly vile shit you assume i had that as a motive for revenge. i only saw a few notifications days later. the only damning thing i saw was the name of the chat. nothing else because i clicked the first one i saw without thinking, doing so unlocked the phone via facial recognition, the app refreshed and all the notifications disappeared. as i’ve said i had material to aim in other directions if i wanted revenge but i legitimately don’t feel that way. if knowing what was in all the missed notifications would have made me feel that way, relax, you got away with it

i’ll assume the worst and i still don’t gaf about revenge against anyone. what are you fucking twelve??? i’m supposed to be the immature one

i’m now thinking sea lion didn’t delete his old account to make our old dms disappear after all. that would explain why the discord still exists even though i think a lot of the creepy stuff overlaps both, which i’ve always wondered about. to be clear it was the old x DMs that make it the most clear we agreed it was all fantasy AND that it was premised on his making false claims i’m pretty sure he made both knowing it was false and in fact never planning for it to be anything else. this person hates his mom, which i also should have recognized as a glaring red flag. he also heard my values about intimacy as we became friends and before we met up. but he acted like he understood and respected them. but then after we met up and we started watching tv shows together it became obvious from the way he talks about women characters he actually loathes women (but not men) with values like mine (he lauds the men). he doesn’t hide it. it’s vicious and consistent

i’m fairly sure he loves dipshit more than he ever has or ever will love any romantic partner who is a woman

the old twitter dms might be where he pushed to come visit me and i tried to delay. so maybe he did delete it for that reason because it so shockingly, directly and easily contradicts that story he told on discord

if he did delete his old twitter to make me think he was gone so i would leave? that’s hilariously and offensively and revealingly nonsensical! i loathed him by then and said so openly to him and others. y’all just don’t listen to women. i legit don’t understand you. there has to be some kind of regional thing or class thing or educational snobbery or something happening here that i don’t understand in addition to the neurodivergence issues

not enough livre tournois maybe

him being gone from that chat and from x made x and that chat my favorites. HOW COULD YOU NOT SEE THAT WHEN I SAID SO STRAIGHTFORWARDLY TO LITCH RALLY EVERYONE WHO WOULD LISTEN?? do you see how you guys kinda just don’t listen to women (maybe it’s just women like me you do it to and it incorporates issues of class, education and upbringing) because we’re not really real to you or something? i really don’t get how so many seemingly smart and moral people can see this so differently than i

i said polite things about him to other chat members when he came back because the polite things i said were empirically accurate and i was so desperate to stay in the x chat because of my special interest area, i wanted to keep the peace. i’m pretty sure if the other dipshit hadn’t kicked me out of the chat i would have shared the piece in the chat itself after he had brought it up to me again and seemingly as part of an orchestrated thing. i wasn’t livid about getting axed from the chat. i wasn’t livid about phone notifications i never saw. i was livid about personal things between me and him

you’re not the lead in every story

it has always been the case that less of me was about any of you than you assumed. i guess because in your minds i’m so low status that i would be desperate to attach myself to yours??? my dudes, only one person in that chat talks as if he is high status or wealthy. we all know which one i mean. and i’ve never met a person of actual high status or wealth who talks like that. the people of actual high status or wealth i have known in my life try to keep those things secret from the general public. you’re not all that. you’re highly interesting during a time i was lonely and pining for my family

i love smart discourse. i fucking long for it. i’ve realized a lot of people use social media for other things. to win or score points or spar or get clout or something. i’m literally here for the opposite. i want to learn things and solidify, build or change my ideas. unless the person is being an asshole, i don’t care about being right

only about the opportunity to become right

my “arguments” don’t “shift” because i’ve been proven wrong. i’m agreeing i’ve been corrected and correcting my pov to be more accurate so we can move on with the parts of the discussions i find interesting

i think for more of you than i realized, you use both the app and the dm for very different purposes that i maybe still to this day do not understand

i do want to be very clear no married person related to that chat or the associated discord ever flirted with me or crossed lines in DMs. not in any way for even a second. the only member who did in the smaller x chat was the person the piece was about. and he was respectful about getting permission at first. a couple others did briefly in the larger associated discord. but they were all single and sufficiently respectful (i could give tips for future use to a couple though if i’m being honest)

and i did have the “thing” for another (married) chat member. basically a neurodivergent level “special interest” in making this person as close a parasocial friend as i could. i’d do it again too if i got another chance. the thing is: this was never a secret! i told everyone. both the sea lion and the absurd one knew in detail. i would have gladly talked about it for hours to anyone who would listen. i longed for someone to spend hours talking about it to. i keep few secrets. i used to think this was virtue. now i know enough about my brain i wonder if it isn’t just survival: ie i don’t have the executive function or memory capacity to do secrecy, lies, scheming (other than some very limited criming that relates to none of this and requires no executive functioning because it requires no lies from me. i shan’t be explaining further to the people who tarnished my bit) so i just don’t do it

in any event i didn’t want to meet this person irl for reasons i’m not sure about discussing but have alluded to online and bear some connection to the concept that i find it easier to get casually close with people i don’t care that much about. if i let myself get close to the ones i like best they will eventually notice how weird i am so i will either eventually get hurt or i will have to carry on a facade i’ve never been able to maintain long enough to sustain eg a marriage without starting to decompensate on the reg. there are definitional implications here about who i sent regular DMs with, who acted like we were a trio of friends and who i let meet me irl. i love that enchanted footwear most of all (if you’re wondering if he is the dragon i hate you and you know less than john snow) and mostly stayed out of his dms until all this happened and i mostly do again now. the exception was the one i have a thing for but that’s why it was so important it stay online/not *really* be romantic though i used this person for content for the bit. this person is very much in love with his wife and i was unable to even land an online parasocial friendship with him

but do you see my problem here? i’m a wanna be romance fiction writer trying to do a bit about romance and longing and i haven’t been able to get close to people for decades and my only experience with intimacy in like sixteen years was, while very good in some ways, also very bad in others. on the other hand obviously now that i have diagnoses and understand my brain i can explain up front so maybe i could now have real closeness again even though that one experience was so disappointing even on a friend level. but i was literally just learning all this and starting to process and i was thinking given chronic illness and living remotely it would probably have to start online. which i prefer anyway! because irl can be hard on me. it always was but now it triggers flare ups of autoimmune stuff unless i’m *really* comfortable in the situation

i let my excitement for that possible future cross signals with the plan for the bit *and* involvement in the chat. because while i was plagiarizing from multiple chapters of my own life, one of them was using the person i have a thing for. do you see why? he’s in love with his wife, lives thousands ? of miles away and won’t even be casual online friends with me. he is unobtainable. that means i can safely feel the things that are the heart of the stories i write. that on top of the special interest angle plus i also know nothing about him including what he looks like so he was both a catnip of a mystery for me and to some extent i can write any leading man over his basic story (what little i know of it) i want

for like a year and a half i felt like people were watching me everywhere and judging my content. but it was never reflected in engagement. so i kept telling myself it was all in my head. i was careless with content because the lack of engagement suggested no was noticing it anyway. at one point i did wonder if lots of people were reading. so i posted something here i thought would put it to rest. still no one said anything and to this day i am not 100% sure. it would explain many things tho

i did not take into account that multiple members would literally be sitting in a separate chat with every other member but me, discussing everything *and never saying anything.* i still don’t know if it happened but if so. you guys 🙃

i also did not take into account the three way DM members might know about it and say nothing. i still don’t understand. i specifically and frequently gave them openings to do so because i considered them my safety valve if people were reading and it was causing a problems

you have to understand my perspective here. when i opened this account i literally described what this was going to be to one of the members, he became one of only three followers, and *we specifically exchanged jokey words about him reaching in and pulling me out if i went too far and got lost inside my own house of leaves* (it wasn’t called that the time but the point was the same regardless)

this person is like half my age. the two in the three way DM are 16 years younger. i couldn’t imagine they would find it interesting. i thought on the off chance anyone noticed at all *and* recognized themselves or someone else one of those three people would say so and i would either switch up the material or get permission to keep using it. again we talking pg-13 stuff here. at best. i’m pretty sure

i did think based on unusual questions i had been asked by an unexpected person in DMs that two completely different older members of the chat might have seen some of it. this was my fault due to a particular link i used to share a bland creative writing piece about pete buttigieg and dolphins. but i specifically answered the questions in ways to reassure anyone it wasn’t about any member of the chat or anyone online at all anywhere

again i want to be clear about some things. the two other older members i thought might have seen it were not at fault for doing so and at all times acted with utmost respect toward me and their wives and exactly as they would if they didn’t know anything about this account. and my reason for suspecting even those two i regarded as extremely tenuous

even if the two younger members of the three way DM saw it, the married one never did anything remotely approaching or resembling flirting and his wife would be comfortable with every word of our chats both in the three way and alone

i do want to say in my defense the non flirtatious married person in the three way was non flirtatiously in my DMs *a lot,* from the beginning. there was a period after the discord opened where he and the person the essay was about were both independently consuming so much of my time in chats i created the three way to streamline things and be able to tap out

so i’d have more time to friend-stalk the other person, if you must know

i think i now understand dipshit wanted to get rid of me from the x chat. both early on and later. but it didn’t keep him out of my dms! it didn’t keep him from occasionally giving me hours long lessons on topics i love! and there was a stretch where i think he thought i would be a good minion. before this i thought surely this person had to be over 50. then during this stretch i thought the opposite: he might be a late teenager to early twenties

anyway, those two used that chat consistently and routinely, and during long stretches daily, including for conversations *only involving the two of them.* like, assholes, if you don’t like me or want me around, just use a two way?? i also think this about the other chats. why not just open other ones without me? it’s not like there are a limited number of them that can be opened is there? i really thought my conduct was only responsive to bullshit from other people, that it was orders of magnitude more consistently appropriate than the quote unquote “normal behavior” of senior dipshit. but i also thought that people staying in the chat definitionally meant they like me? whyyyy would you go about this another way. i continue not to understand

anyway they used that three way to communicate with both each other and with me up until the day ****I**** ended my relationship with the sea lion

i am sorry to the people i put in awkward positions. i’m sorry for subjecting you to my combat mode. i’m sorry people felt like they had to watch out for me or come to my defense. i’m sorry if i violated the boundaries of a shy and kind person with my undesired attention. i’m sorry for not recognizing all the other people who were trying to be real friends because i was so fixated on my one thing

two people i’m not sorry to or about are the sea lion and his absurd albeit very interesting associate. i would call them sidekicks but in truth i suspect one of them is a minion controlled by the other. nothing else makes sense for him to keep harassing me about that ridiculous racism non issue after all the warnings i telegraphed. he knew what i had. he knew what i planned to do *and he kept going anyway.* neither this nor outing himself as the sea lion have ever made sense to me

i can only assume the former happened because he is a minion so obsessed with the other one (he said things along these lines) he was literally more reluctant to say no to the goading than to risk me going through with it, which he probably thought i wouldn’t because of my special interest, and knew he could lie convincingly if i did. that stuff he posted about me on discord shocked me to my core. when i say i didn’t realize he was a literal monster until late i mean i still didn’t fully understand until that moment when he said those things. it was all so shockingly, diabolically crafted and highly highly intelligent (like me he comes across as mentally compromised irl but has certain areas of high precociousness. i didn’t realize until that moment that lying about women he’d mistreated was one of them. i’m now consistently over 90% sure he has harmed other women not in ways that necessarily constitute crimes though some could but in ways that involve significant pushing of boundaries, strategic lying and an element of grifting)

as to the latter i now think he outed himself because unbeknownst to me he had already outed himself and then lied to me when he denied it

anyway that aside i’m mad and sad i succeeded in getting wildly younger men’s attention and then had to break character to explain it. on the one hand i can understand now how awkward and uncomfortable my golden retriever puppy dog like efforts to befriend that one person made things for everyone else. but on the other hand think this through from my perspective. i’m significantly older, chronically ill, neurodivergent, socially awkward and the one person i’ve been with in like 16 years was a bad, unsexy experience for both participants and has definitely left me wondering if literally i just previously enjoyed a kind of pretty girl manic pixie privilege thing when i was young that is lost to me forever and the terrain and men will be very different going forward. i was excited about slow build friendships online, not more terrible sex. i just talked about wanting to get laid to the dipshits because i thought it would make clear the bit wasn’t about someone they knew in the i thought off chance they knew about the content

i also tried to say sooo many things in chat and in the three way dm and on discord to put it to rest. i made a dozen points about being too sick to travel. i said infidelity between a couple with kids is more destructive than dropping napalm on your house with your family inside. i said the pictures were catfishy. i said i wanted to start something with an unrelated mutual in the discord. i acknowledged cognitive deficits that made me an unfit romantic partner. i said i was an over the hill slut with daddy issues. your good friend had terrible sex with me and i leaked pee all over him the whole time

yet now i have to break the bit because not one of you would use words to say something about it being an issue and instead badgered loser into harassing me so i’d leave voluntarily or something?? whyyyy??? because i’m subhuman? i’m from cattle country and went to shitty schools and don’t know many things??

not enough livres tournois

my goal was to never explain and eventually expand it to ig and maybe bluesky (i eventually went with threads) and i hate that it’s now forever tarnished and my muses are shaken and finding it hard to sing the right songs

i feel bad for some of my choices but so should you

a thing you should know is one of the reasons this house is made of leaves specifically is due to adhd i can’t write first drafts offline. i have to have the instantaneous gratification of immediate posting to begin at all. so these are my first drafts (same with x and threads threads). but unlike them, here i can and do change them over time as i reread and see weak writing, unintended ambiguity, errors in accuracy, the story progresses or changes in my head etc. this one has already existed in multiple forms and may exist in multiple more as the leaves shift like moments lost in time. eventually it will evolve to exist at least temporarily in the form pursuant to which the code that facilitates the unrelated OR COULD IT BE RELATED crime is embedded. payment comes. maybe then i shift the leaves again to “leave” (swidt) no trace. maybe i shift a thousand times more not because i’m worried any longer about the trace but because the Story has decided to Continue or Evolve. or maybe it was all a false trail i laid for diversionary purposes and i delete it altogether. or the code is not only real but still right in front of your very noses but i leave it anyway because i know

not one of you dumb motherfuckers will ever crack it

apropos of nothing necessarily i categorically do not have mental health conditions involving breaks with reality, bipolar disorder, hallucinations, multiple personalities, schizophrenia, psychotic breaks or anything similar. i have never been diagnosed with or treated for anything remotely like that. i love stories and spend too much time inside them and have since i was a kid. it’s one of the fundamental underlying ways i failed my kid. for a whole bunch of reasons i won’t now bore you with i did not understand either that i was failing or that this was why. but i’ve always spent too much time inside my own head. it’s hard for me to stay out for the prolonged periods kids and eg spouses need. because i didn’t start getting diagnosed with neurodivergences until my kid was in grade school i didn’t know how bad it was. i really thought i was a great mom until i started getting sick. sometimes i’m legitimately and honestly sure that i was and that my family has turned my post sickness failings into bigger issues that didn’t really exist. but, subject to the ways poor memory can impact this, and maybe that’s more than i realize or admit, the only times i have ever not been dead sure about the difference between real and unreal were:

1. for a stretch of less than a week after a traumatic brain injury in the fifth grade

2. a couple times in college when i tried lsd and it does that. i quit trying it for that reason. this never happened to me on shrooms and if it did i wouldn’t take them either

3. when people aren’t direct

4. family members who traffic in unreality and myth

i have “voices in my head” in the sense that i have muses and stories and characters and conversations with myself. not in the sense of hearing voices telling me to do things that i think are real or receiving messages through the television. i don’t have disassociative personality disorders/multiple personalities/schizophrenia. i don’t have anything like that. no doctor thinks anything remotely like that and many have looked

the reason i am terrified of unreality is not because i slip into it. it is rather because of two other things, combined. one my slow processing time means i legitimately just often do not understand what is happening a lot of the time in many contexts. so people being polite or subtle instead of direct is unnerving. i’ll get it wrong it if you’re being polite or subtle. but the other big one is i had a care giver growing up who traffics still to this day prolifically in unreality. and i have only realized at this late stage in life how profoundly that fucked up my sibling and me, still causes problems now and still scares, haunts and hurts me. it’s why i took trump so personally. he made an unnerving number of people some close to me stop saying true things and start saying untrue ones. i’m still scared of it and now i have a better understanding of why

if you were involved in the plot of the true story that serves as a device to facilitate the crime that requires no lies, and you do not understand why i have chosen tonight of all nights to address these things, then carry on. but if you know exactly why, please do one of the following:

fuck aaalll the way off. why if you don’t like me do you keep doing this??? i genuinely do not understand and find it somewhat unnerving. ngl i also find it flattering and because i really am all the things i say i am except in ways that transcend this plane of existence/don’t have relevance to you i am lonely and bored a lot. which is why i offer this further option

play the game then motherfuckers

see if i care. i evidently lived rent free in a super interesting but highly irritating person’s head for like a year and a half. i’ll do it again if given half a chance as [redacted] and my mom kicked the pet livestock borders off the ranch because they didn’t listen to her about how behornt their bull was and move him to the other pasture like she said and he broke through our fence and impregnated the neighbor’s cows off schedule. and you’re truly the smartest most interesting people i’ve ever gotten to be around. i should have tried to get into better schools not for the prestige but for the mental stimulation. i see that now. plus i might still be able to land that one friendship. you don’t know. i really do feel like he’s a solid maybe right now

i jest

or do i?

consider this: is what i have achieved here a tumblr house of leaves, yes or no?

maybe it’s Outsider Art

gonna have to add that to the choices on the owl list

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olderthannetfic · 3 years

Note

I mean there are issues within m/m fanfiction, the problem is the arguments we see take things to the extreme. Either there's no issues and it's just women exploring their sexuality and how dare you mock the things women like! OR It's homophobic how dare straight women fetishize gay men! When in reality there are tropes and trends that do lean more towards homophobia or heteronormativity but there's no space for us (slash fans) to call that out without having to defend against the extremes.

This is so hilariously moderate that I think everyone would agree with it if they take it at surface value and don't read into your words.

Anyone who is a veteran of decades of fannish debate will read into your words.

The basic issue is that the conversation people typically want to have about things that are homophobic or heteronormative is pretty 101. They're coming to this fresh with great earnestness, but to someone like me, it's just going to sound like sealioning because we've had these same arguments in slash fandom and in queer communities going back decades.

For example, here are the standard Not Queer Enough bad things that make us just like the breeders according to 80s/90s queer community wank:

marriage

raising children

monogamy

roles of any kind including butch/femme

99% of A/B/O Is Just Het Tho or BL Is Bad Because Ukes wank sounds like all of this over again.

And then there's the eternal fight about whether Pride is for kink and adults and free expression of sexuality or whether it's for corporations and kids in strollers. Conform and kick your less acceptable members to the curb as a political strategy to get rights or be inclusive punk rebels but make fewer strides in legislation? It's a legitimate and eternal struggle in minority groups.

The obsession with Good Representation™ is part of this. So is not liking stuff that overlaps your group with kink and socially unacceptable sexual fantasies. In other words...

RESPECTABILITY POLITICS

If somebody sends me an example of a specific fic or trend they think sucks, I'll keep an open mind...

But I can tell you I have yet to hear an argument about any actual fic on AO3 that made me agree it was homophobic or heteronormative rather than just standard porn bullshit that the lizard brain loves.

People are always wringing their hands about shit that is super common in romance novels and erotica and live action pornos alike because audiences love it.

So for example, I really hope nobody expects me to take seriously an argument about m/m fanfic being bad for any of:

penetration = real sex, all other sex = foreplay

virginity is real and matters

ravishment

biology works how is hot and/or convenient to the plot

everyone has a giant dick

safe sex is boring and we're going to pretend STDs don't exist

everyone is a giant nympho slut

everyone is unrealistically monogamous

dick so good it converted someone

kink with zero negotiation first

zero realistic psychological consequences for anything

etc.

Someone's going to go, "Okay, okay, not literally always, but you have to agree that sometimes this trope is bad. Or it's bad that it's like 99% of fics."

No.

No I don't.

At zero times do I agree that it's a problem all porn does the dumb penetration=real sex thing. Yes, it's dumb. Yes, it's unrealistic. It's there because it's hot. If you find it un-hot, write something else.

I'm totally down to have a conversation about which trends are stupid or boring, but homophobic? Heteronormative? LOL.

Fundamentally, every single conversation about problems in m/m fanfic on AO3 starts from the assumption that fic should be looked at from a reader's perspective. This is the reader's whole media diet. They learn queerness from fic. They learn sex ed and biology from fic. They don't have access to other queer media. They're learning the wrong messages. Blah blah blah.

I look at fic as more like someone's porn (or the emotions equivalent) they wrote for themselves in their diary and were nice enough to let others see as a favor. Sure, occasionally, I think "Wow, author, I am so sorry for you that you view bodies and sex this way", but even then, how do I know it's not just that they're a bad writer? The only thing I'm learning from their fic is that some very weird stuff makes me horny. If I have trouble putting that fic in a wider context of realistic queerness or non-fanfic erotica or whatever else, that's my problem, not the writer's.

The only "problem" with m/m fanfiction on AO3 is that I cannot find any first time sex pollen RM/JK A/B/O where they're both alphas and JK is on the bottom and RM feels comedic levels of melodramatic guilt over it while JK's entire internal monologue is just the word "thighs" over and over and over.

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dememetor · 3 years

Note

HEY HEY HEY

I love your writing, can I please get jealous hcs for anyone? Please include suna thi he's my latest brainrot hAHA

hi, thanks for the request! and suna brainrot?? bitch me too the fuck. anyways, hope you enjoy~

(also sorry this is kinda late, i've rewritten iwaizumi and bokuto ones a million times)

Haikyuu boys when they're jealous

characters suna rintarou, kuroo tetsurou, iwaizumi hajime, bokuto koutarou, kenma kozume

warnings none but i'm probably gonna say fuck at some point

Suna Rintarou

he tries to be chill about it, he does

it hurts his ego to be this clingy but god

he can't help but to feel that sour sting of jealousy when he sees another guy approaching you

at first will only take a quick glance from afar, just to check if the guy is bothering you, and then promises himself to stay out of your business

well he doesn't

once he decides the guy has lost talking-to-y/n-alone privilege, he will nonchalantly make his way towards you, one hand in his pocket, other sneaking its way to your shoulder, resting his elbow and giving the poor boy a menacing look

he can be pretty intimidating too with that eyeliner and all

(but that look only works on people that don't know him well, he tried it on atsumu once and the latter just laughed in his face)

not the type to be openly jealous but when he sees someone blatantly flirting with you he will start to give you the Glance

blinks slowly (you know, like that one blonde haired guy gif) and looks at you through raised eyebrows as if to say hey babe, i love you and i trust you. what the fuck tho

and when the guy starts being borderline creepy he'll appear between you - and i mean literally will inject himself between you two and strike a conversation with you as if nothing weird happened

they usually get the hint, but this one guy tried to go around him, still rambling about whatever and suna literally turned on his heel and said "come again?" with such unrivaled coldness, his eyes exuding just sheer fucking spite

but like i said, unless the other guy is asking for it, he's not the type to start a direct confrontation

will take you by the hand and leave without much thought because he simply doesn't have the time for that shit

he might seem grumpy afterwards but a couple of soft kisses usually do the trick

soft kisses which are followed by a breathless make out session with you on his kitchen counter because he still wants you to know you're only his

Kuroo Tetsurou

this little bitch

never gets jealous

and i mean never

once pretended he was jealous just to make you feel better (??? his logic? unparalleled) but once you found out you beat his ass

loves it when you get jealous though (he thinks it's cute)

sometimes he does get insecure, but he shows it in an unusual way

like if you've been talking to someone, smiling at your phone for a while he'll just get up and randomly do a couple puhs-ups, start flexing his muscles and shit

all while you're looking at him like,,

"babe, what are you doing"

"oh i didn't think you'd notice me there. since you're on your damn phone all day"

"...are you my mom?"

nah he'll be fine (will steal your phone though)

also it's the funniest thing when he sees someone trying to flirt with you

he will literally walk over there, introduce himself (not mentioning he's your boyfriend) and act really interested in the conversation

he plays this game where he tries to see how long will it take the guy to realise you two are together (longest time: 24 minutes, record holder: yahaba shigeru)

whenever the guy asks you something he will interrupt you and answer for himself as if the guy were flirting with him

"so, like what do you do in your free time?"

"not mu-"

"oh i love taking long walks on the beach, especially during sunsets. i really think it is healthy for the mind and the soul, not to mention quite romantic too. don't you too love sunsets, kevin?"

at one point kevin will have had enough of it

"i was talking to y/n alone here"

"aw don't worry, you're not bothering me"

he is such a pain in the ass

why can't he just be normal

Iwaizumi Hajime

rational, mature, i love him

seriously, he is the bestest boy and he will treat you so well because he trusts you and respects your friendship with other guys as well

but on those rare occasions when he does get jealous,, oh boy

first of all, the PDA skyrockets, he has to have his arm around you at all times - around your shoulder? on your waist? in your backpocket? his hand's been there done that

not in any way possesive but will be really annoying unless you give him your full undivided attention that day

he lets himself be selfish a bit, after all he is your boyfriend he can have you all to himself for a day, right?

jealous sex with him? better prepare a wheelchair cause you want be able to walk straight tomorrow

sees a boy trying to flirt with you? tries not to make a scene but absolutely will throw the first punch if he needs to

one day he was having a particularly rough time at practice and all he wanted to do was lose himself in your arms and fall asleep to the feeling your fingertips tangled in his hair

and then he saw this?? guy? (the audacity!) laughing with you after telling some dumb joke and let me tell you - iwaizumi wasn't having any of it

he came up to you from behind, wrapped his arms around your waist and planted a small kiss on the crook of your neck

"when are we going home, love?"

and he gives him the calmest yet most fear inducing stare from behind you

and suddenly the pattern on poor boy's pants starts to look awful lot like piss stain

it is actually kinda hot how one single look from him can cause such a reaction

"he was just asking about english homework babe"

"yeah that's what they all say"

Bokuto Koutarou

gets jealous so so easily

it is actually fascinating

will get mad at otome games

"what does jumin han have that i don't???"

god forbid you pay attention to your pet more than him (btw you have a golden retriever and his name is bean)

you're sitting on the couch cuddling with your dog, scratching his ears, ruffling his fur and all that, and there he is, your clingy boyfriend, snuggling right next to you, demanding you play with his hair too

so dramatic

"you smiled at him... the way you used to smile at me..."

"bokuto, he's a dog"

the only guy he trusts 100% to be around you is akaashi, even kuroo is on thin ice

but him and akaashi are something else, one time you three had a sleepover and you felt like you were the third wheel

will act like a tough serious boyfriend in front of others, especially your other guy friends but in reality will look for affection immediately after

oh while we're at it - jealous bokuto kisses? are the best kisses

will also force you to wear one of his shirts for the rest of the day

my poor man is so touch starved so when he feels insecure or jealous he will look for comfort in things like holding your hand, nuzzling your neck or giving forehead kisses

but later that day, when you two are sitting on the couch cuddling he will quietly ask you something along the lines of "you still think i'm pretty, right?"

you can feel him all over you - his hands are creeping down your waist, he's pulling you in, deepening the kiss until all you can see, think and feel is him

he wants to show you exactly how much he wants you and what you were missing out on while you weren't paying attention to him

and it shocks you for a moment because you didn't realise just how much that one short moment of jealousy actually stayed with him

you have to reassure him he's the most beautiful boy you have ever met, and not only that, but also the funniest and the most caring person as well, and that you would never leave his side no matter what happened

and as much as he loves getting praised he always gets embarrassed, so he just smiles in return, but he is also happy to know you're there for him and you don't think he is too much

Kenma Kozume

it depends on his mood honestly

sometimes he doesn't mind it even if the other guy is flirting with you and sometimes will get pissy if you smile at the cashier

but when this boy gets really jealous oh my GOD

he is just like bokuto if not worse; he just hides it so well

one time you went grocery shopping with him and spent the entire time texting your friend who had just told you she was visiting your city

and he got so offended

you didn't even notice it until later that day when you came home and he suddenly refused to cuddle with you

silent treatment

lifts his nose and ignores you, only giving you dirty side glances from under the eye

such a massive sense of pride in those 170 cm even oikawa would be impressed

in my country there's a saying "it's in the smallest bottle that the poison lies" and honestly? yeah

at some point you realise why he's acting like that and you start teasing him

"i am not jealous i am just mildly irritated" is the only thing he deems necessary to say before going back to being unnecessarily pissed

he reminds you of an angry cat

it's kind of amusing seeing him like this but you were also getting real tired of his shit

don't even try bribing him (you tried buying him over with a ps5 but he just looked at you unimpressed, disgusted that you think so low of him)

the only thing he will accept is a sincere apology

if it's sincere or not is up to him to decide, obviously

which can lead to quite some bickering

will try to get you to beg but please have dignity, if you do it once he will make you do it every time

yeah generally a lttle shit but his kisses after making up are just as eager as yours so

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forthehpfanboys · 4 years

Text

Christmas Break

Pair: Draco Malfoy x Reader; he/him.

Summary: You liked Winter Break Draco. Unfortunately, he was replaced by Usual Dick Bag Draco who becomes ruthless. At least Harry is there to make you feel better.

Warnings: SMUT (MDI), jealousy sex, dirty talk, swearing, spanking, short mention of slapping and hair pulling, sir kink and degrading a tad- fluffy ending tho. I may have taken the kinks too far but ya know-

Notes: Requested by @the-offical-yn, who I must apologize too. A lot of my stories got away from me so I’m very sorry this is late- but um- enjoy getting railed by Draco guys! Yo, I made a shit plot for this. I’m so sorry if it’s baaddd.

~DO NOT REPOST ANYWHERE~

For years, he had this twisted mind against anyone not a pure-blood or a Slytherin. He had zero shame with cussing out Gryffindor's, spitting at Ravenclaw’s during quidditch games and tripping Hufflepuff's. But, suddenly, just before Christmas break, he changed and there was nothing blunt about it. He would help Ravenclaw first years pick up their books if they stumbled on the fake steps on the moving staircases, tutor third year Hufflepuff's in Herbology after hours and helped a few Gryffindor students fix their potions.

Draco changed faster than water turns to ice in a freezer. It was almost alarming. Even Snape seemed to be concerned, probably more than others. The greasy git kept yelling at Gryffindor's (mostly the Golden Trio [mostly Harry]) about what would happen when he found out who jinxed Malfoy. You couldn’t pinpoint exactly when he changed, but everyone else could. To the day, infact.

It was just a few days before October, when it started. Draco was strutting down the halls, using Crabbe and Goyle as shields from the dozens of students who walked by him. They stood at his sides, knocking students out of the way, acting like Draco owned this bubble of space as they walked, but somehow, you slipped through. You were crossing in front of him, trying to hurry to class and ended up tripping over your own feet.

Your instincts kicked in and you tried to catch yourself, but instead you fumbled right into Draco, landing heavily against his side. He scoffed, shoving you off and getting ready to cuss you out when you began to apologize (even if you don’t like him) and gather your things off the floor. With your head tilted down you didn’t notice the Slytherin staring at you like you were a puppy. When you gathered your things, you scurried off, apologizing to more students as you went by.

Apparently, that day, he saw you tutoring a whole table of students, all houses included, and you were being so nice to them, so kind and your voice was soft and he heard you say “Hey, no! It’s ok! There is no such thing as a dumb question, ask away”. He had this urge in his chest to just be different, to be someone you would want to be around and be a friend, maybe even be more. It made him feel sick.

It took about a week to get your attention, then a quick growing friendship blossomed. Your relationship with Draco changed- just like he had. It changed from funny jokes, sassy remarks and late night games of exploding snaps to flirting contests, long hugs and what could be considered dates.

By December, you and Draco were dating without the official titles. Everyday, you two were growing closer and the relationship was growing more rock solid with every passing event. Soon enough, winter break was coming around and everyone was genuinely surprised when they saw the blonde Slytherin strutting through the halls during Christmas break. Usually, the pureblood went home to spend the holidays in a cabin in a warmer climate with his family.

And it was weird for everyone to see him not bragging and tripping students and spitting at kids. But for you? It was a blissful few weeks. Even the Golden Trio got a break. They were some of your closer friends, so Draco gave them a bigger break. The blonde even went as far as helping Harry during potions. It was terrifying.

Until Christmas break was passing and Draco went through another change, which was what you were going to confront him about.

"Malfoy!" You found him out in the courtyard, a teary-eyed (y/h) first year trailing behind you. The poor kid was shaking with fear and let out a sniffle. "You have some very good explaining to do!"

The blonde looked from Goyle to you, his eyes slowly dragging down your form before darting back up to your flaming eyes. His smile had dropped and was now replaced with a sharp frown. His nose scrunched up, his eyebrows furrowed and his arms crisscrossed over his chest.

“I don’t have to explain anything to the likes of you.” He sneered. He looked over your shoulder and locked eyes with the first year, who scooted over to hide himself better. He made a scoff and turned back to Goyle, shaking his head while snorting. “Look at this- he’s tryin’ to be a hero.” As if on a cue, his little posse of Slytherins broke out into laughter, forcing your face to heat up from humiliation.

“Seriously? Are you fucking five?” You called over the idiots laughter, which morphed into pathetic ‘ooh’s. “Draco, stop being a child and a douchebag and just apologize to the first year.”

“Why should I?” Draco stepped closer to you. His eyes, stance and voice all held a challenging undertone. He moved some blonde hair out of his face, but you didn’t miss how his eyes flicked down to your lips.

“Because you called him a mud-blood for bumping into you. Grow a pair, gain some manners and apologize to him.” You crossed your arms over your chest, putting on your best angry face. If Draco was pulling a prank, you were going to punch him, without hesitation. And how the hell did an asshole like this become a prefect??

“Oh, your right, I definitely should apologize when the kid bumped into me. But I think I have a better idea.” He brought a finger to his lips, tapping it in mock thought. Sarcasm and sass was radiating from him and it only served to piss you off more. “How about you fuck off and leave me alone, (L/n).” He smirked, turning to his posse and symboling them to leave with him for a dramatic exit. You took a deep breath, your hands balling at your sides.

“I’m sorry for him.” You turned around and put a hand on the kids back and gave him a soft push back toward the castle. “Go tell the head of the house, ok? I’m gonna keep talking to him.” When he nodded and began to walk out of the courtyard, you hurried in the direction Draco left in. You found him heading across the bridge, in the middle of his group, who were effectively taking up the whole span of the bridge. His laughter echoed in the hollow build, which only had your blood boiling worse.

So, you called his name again, effectively getting his attention. He turned so fast you thought his head would’ve spun all the way around like an owl. You stared into his now burning eyes, walking closer to him. You could feel the adrenaline mixing with rage in your veins. You weren’t thinking straight, but you didn’t care.

“Wanna explain why you're being an ass all of a sudden or are you just gonna insult me and strut off with your orgy party?” You glared at him, ignoring his irritated sneer. It was making your face red (or whatever hue, I wanna be as inclusive as possible) with anger.

“I don’t have to tell you a thing.” Draco was, naturally, turning defensive, even if he knew deep down how he was acting was wrong. Honestly, you couldn’t tell if he knew he was actually being an ass or not.

“Ok. I get it. You stay the fuck here with your friends and I’ll just leave you alone then. Merlin, why did I think you’d change?” Your face showed disappointment before contouring back to anger and frustration and aggression. You ran your tongue over your teeth, a frown etching across your lips. “My mistake.” You turned around, still going off pure adrenaline. You felt a hand grasp your wrist and immediately tugged it free with all of your strength. “No, I really don’t wanna hear it, fuck off.”

You didn’t look back, and you certainly didn’t hear him say anything. Of course it hurt, but you didn’t care at the moment. Your heart was thumping in your chest and all you felt was anger. He had the audacity to befriend you, say he really liked you for fucks sake, and then do a complete 180. You were grateful it was the weekend so you didn’t have to sit next to him in class.

You stomped through the snow, hurrying across the school grounds to the library (can you tell I have no idea what Hogwarts layout is?). You pushed open the doors and decided to basically hide yourself in an empty corner to try to cool down. After pulling the seat out, you sat down, slouching and resting your forehead on the table. You want to know what happened, why it happened

Was it his dad? Was it his friends? Was he jinxed or something? You let out a sigh of frustration. The idea of his dad convincing him to start treating people like trash again brought your anger back. You rolled your neck and ran your hands through it.

Pulling your wand out of your pocket, you waved it casually, summoning a book from one of the carts beside the isles. You didn't care what it was. You just wanted a distraction.

Luckily, for you, it didn't take long to get distracted. A few pages and more than a few dreadful minutes into your "reading", someone sat across from you. You looked over the rim of the book to see a smiling Gryffindor with big, round glasses slipping down his nose. He gave an awkward greeting while pushing his glasses back up.

"Hi to you too, Harry. This is a pleasant surprise. What can I do for you?" You smiled, shutting the book and crossing your arms over it.

"Well, I just heard about the Draco fiasco that took place a few hours ago-" had it really been hours? "-and I wanted to make sure you were OK." Harry scooted closer to the table, his cheeks a soft pink.

"I'm fine, man. You don't gotta stress about me." You stretched your arms over your head while leaning back in your chair. You were trying to give the illusion of calmness and it was sorta working.

"Oh, good! I'm- I'm glad you're ok!" He began to fiddle with his fingers, digging at the nails nervously. "Because I also wanted to ask.. Um.. If you are free? Like this weekend? To hang out?" His green eyes barely met yours and, instead, opted for staring right over your shoulder.

"Oh, I'm n-"

"He's not free, Potter. We have plans covering every minute of the weekend. Scram."

Your smile faded as Draco's voice filled the small corner. You looked up, immediately catching his stern gaze. He was leaning against the end of a bookshelf, his arms crossed and one foot crossed over the other. He was clearly chewing on his tongue, not that he'd admit it. You gave him a glare, your arms crossing over your chest.

"But, Draco. I thought I canceled our plans." Your voice was condescending and it only fueled his anger. Harry, noting the weird tension, ducked out of there quickly, swerving around Draco and speed walking to a safer, less awkward part of the library.

"What the fuck are you doing?" The blonde hissed while taking long steps over to the table. He was still staring you right in the eyes. Draco moved the chair Potter was sitting in and put his hands flat against the table. He made eye contact with him.

"Why should it matter to you? I thought I was just being a selfish hero." You narrowed your eyes at him, daring him to make a move. You could feel the anger returning from earlier.

"I never said selfish. Why are you making this so complicated? I have a reputation to withhold, (Y/n)." His eyes softened a bit. He looked down at the polished wood before looking at you again. Draco tried to give you a smile, but you didn’t return it; you just tapped your fingers against the table top.

"I don't give a rats ass about your shitty reputation! You bully pre-teens and they actually fear you and you think that's a good thing? That's what you wanna leave behind when you graduate here?" Your face was turning a deep shade of (insert skin color please). He knew he fucked up, not that he’d admit it, and his soft eyes hardened again.

"Remember who's in charge in this relationship, boy." His hand snaked around the back of your neck, tugging you forward. Your nostrils flared as you released a sigh. Was he really pulling out the dominant card right now?

"I told you there was no relationship." you shoved his hand away, standing straight up and walking past him. You didn’t get far before he grabbed the hood of your robe and tugged you back. He guided you so your back collided roughly with the end of the book case he was leaning against.

“I know you can’t quit me like that, love.” The pure-blood spat out the pet name as his thumb and index finger roughly grabbed your chin and tugged your head up. “We both know I infected you like a virus- I know you're obsessed with me, sweetie.” A menacing grin spread across Draco’s pale lips when your jaw dropped open and your mouth fumbled to find words to combat him.

He moved his leg between yours, his hands moving from the scrunched fabric of your hood to your neck. He leaned in, planting a rough kiss to your lips while his other hand untucked your shirt. He pushed his hand under the shirt, rubbing the skin of your hip while he deepened the kiss. He managed to push his tongue past your lips and ran along yours.

Draco angled his leg to brush against your crotch causing you to jolt in the kiss. He pulled back, his tongue licking your teeth while pulling back.

“Told you.” He purred out. The hand on your neck gives you a squeeze around the neck while his icy eyes go from your lips to your eyes. He could read you like a book. You hated it. “Don’t be a slut, darling. Let’s head to my room, yeah?” He didn’t move until you nodded your head slowly. “Good boy. Come on.”

The walk to the common room was long, but the hand around the back of your neck was sturdy. It didn't take long for him to have you pressed against the wall of his prefect bedroom, chest first, your pants basically vanished from your legs and his hand wrapped around your hard dick.

“You’re such a whore, aren’t ya, baby boy, hmm?” Draco’s voice boomed in your ear as his fingers interlocked into your skelp. You couldn’t help but sob. The hand on your dick was going faster, but refused to slide over the swollen head. Your nails scraped down the wall pressed against your front and Draco pressed your cheek harder against the brick. “Been such a bad boy- using that dirty mouth to talk so poorly about me and to flirt with my anime. If you wanted a three-some you should’ve asked Zabini. But Potter? You know that’s a firm no, baby.”

He was tsking before biting down on the side of your neck, the grip he had around your cock only tightened to the point of painful. Tears of humiliation and pain gathered in your eyeline, threatening to boil over. Your legs subconsciously spread when he began to grind into the bulge of your ass, his hard dick prominent into your crack. He licked a strip up from the bite to your ear.

“You know very well what happens to slutty bad boys who flirt with sir’s enemy, right, baby?” He was growling in your ear again, his hand coming to a tight hold at your base. He let out a mocking laugh when your legs clamped shut and your hips tried to wiggle out of his grasp.

“I’m sorry! I’m sorry, Draco!” You squeaked out, voice a few octaves higher than usual. It made Draco happy to hear your pathetic pleas, but his joy was melting away due to you still squirming in his grasp. He shook his head, tsking again. He tugged your hair, yanking your head back and forcing you to bow against his body. He gave you a firm slap against the cheek before cupping your cheeks together and forcing your lips to pout, his hand still in your hair.

“You know that’s not my name right now, kitten. Use the right one.”

“I’m sorry, sir.” Your voice was weak compared to Draco’s, the obvious authority he had over you made you shiver. Abruptly, he pushed you against the wall, letting go of your hair and he was backing away from you.

“Not yet your not, kitten. Finish stripping then get your arse over here.” Draco spoke, sitting down on the bed, patting the top of his thighs. He smirked when you did what he said, tossing your shirt off into the corner and approaching him slowly. He reached out to grab your arm and tug you over his lap.

He used one hand to push your face into the mattress while the other ran over your right cheek. He loved watching your hips try to duck and avoid the cold silver of his rings. He let out a mocking laugh, his hands grabbing into your bum, nails digging into the skin to leave marks that had your back arching.

"Aw, baby. Is it too cold for you?" He laughed louder, feeling you nod against his left hand tangled in your hair. "Aw, poor baby. Wait until you feel them bruise your skin. Now, do you remember what you say?"

"Yes, sir." your voice sounded strained--like you were mentally preparing yourself for the bite of the rings, the puncture of his smacks. You were, in all honesty. He never held back during punishments.

"See? It isn't so hard to be a good boy after all, is it?" he patted your head before brushing your hair back. "Remember the safe system, darling? Good. Color?"

"Green, sir." your legs were clenching together and wiggling, but a swat to the back of the sensitive skin of your thighs made you stop. "I'm sorry sir."

"Good.. Now, how many does a horny little whore like you deserve, hmm? Ten? Fifteen?"

You knew what he was looking for.

"T-Twenty." You swallowed. The anticipation and degrading was making your head cloudy.

"Twenty? Well, you must've been really naughty, huh?" His hand ran to your lower back, caressing the skin before dragging his nails back down, leaving a trail of red marks down your skin.

You nodded your head quickly, biting your lip to conceal a moan. You could feel the pre-cum going down your hard dick, which was pressing into Draco's thigh.

"No response? Maybe we should add another ten then, since you wanna be so bad."

"I-I'm sorry, sir! Twenty is what I deserve." You said quickly, trying to turn back and give him the huge innocent eyes he always went weak for.

"No. Thirty seems far more fitting." He chose now to start the punishment with a raised hand and a harsh slap over the perfect curve of your ass. He watched the skin bounce and groaned, gripping the flesh again.

"One! Thank you sir." You squeaked out, back arching at the familiar sting of the hit. The cold silver of his rings colliding with your skin caused your toes to curl.

"Atta boy." he purred out, repeating the action on the other side.

“Two, thank you sir!”

By the tenth spank, tears were falling freely down your cheeks. By the fifteenth, your voice was breaking with each shout. By the twentieth, you were trying to crawl away. By the twenty-fifth, you were kicking your legs like a brat. Somehow you managed to count to thirty without losing track.

"You did so good, baby. Even if you were being a brat." Draco chuckled, running his fingers through your hair. His other hand rubbed your cheeks, trying to sooth the deep red (or whatever tint shows up with your skin, I wanna be as inclusive as possible) marks on your skin.

You let out another sniffle, propping yourself up on an elbow and wiping the tears off your cheeks. His hand ran up your sweat thighs, his palms rubbing the already sore skin of your ass once he got to it.

“Color?”

“Green, sir.” You turned your head to look at him. Your legs shifted, creating a shattering hyper awareness of how hard and how wet your cock was against his thigh. You caught his dirty smirk before he flipped you over. Suddenly, it was stoic and he was tugging your lower half back onto his lap. This time, Draco was sitting back on his calves, and he was steadily putting your legs around his waist.

“Good. Now,” he paused to lick his lips, “I’m going to fuck the brat out of you, got it?” His hands moved down your thighs before moving up to your pelvic bone. While you were responding with a polite, but breathless ‘yessir’, his hand was lazily wrapping around your cock.

He was still fully dressed, and the smooth fabric of his uniform pants rubbed against the sore spots on your ass. Your hips moved upward, trying to get more of his moving hand and less of the fabric against your bottom. You let out a breathy moan while his thumb idly swiped across the swollen head of your dick.

“That’s it.” He mumbled to himself over the sound of his zipper dropping. He mumbled a preparing, lubrication and cleaning spell, his hand still working you slowly. The blonde stuck his tongue out in concentration while pushing his own cock into your lubed ass. Draco let out a hum, his teeth clamping down onto his tongue. “Fuck yes. Such a good boy- my good little slut.” He let go of your dick and clamped his hands onto your waist and used the leverage to pull you down onto his cock.

You clamped a hand over your mouth, trying to muffle the cry as he stuffed his cock into you. You felt the wind knocked out of you. You gripped the sheets, whining pathetically. The head of his dick nudged against your sweet spot while he sat there, waiting patiently for you to adjust. It had been a bit of time since the last time you guys had fun sexy time. Your dick was literally throbbing, occasionally twitching, at the idea of him literally fucking you stupid. Your eyes were staring at the top of his four post bed, lost in your own thoughts when he began to move.

He tested the waters with the quick thrust, which yanked a moan from you. When you finally looked at him, you realized he was watching you intently, a menacing grin spread across his face.

“How’s your arse?” Draco asked, his voice condescending and cocky as he gave another thrust. His hand snaked around to your sore ass cheeks and gave one a tough squeeze, his nails digging in.

A cry left your lips, this time pain filled instead of pleasure. You planted your feet flat on the bed and tried to wiggle away from his grasp, which only made it worse.

“Sore, you dick!” You reached around, grabbing his wrist and trying to pull his hand away. “Ow! Let go, Draco!” You dug your nails into his wrist, trying to show him a small level of the pain he was causing but he just laughed, mocking your voice.

“Owie, it hurts! Take it, babe. You can do it.” He let go, his hands coming to hold your hips again before moving you at a punishingly rough pace. His muscular thighs rubbed against your ass, not that he cared. The pain was somehow starting to make the pleasure stronger. Soon it was filling your veins and fogging your brain.

Draco relished every moan, every gasp, every little sound you made. He listened to you whine out his name and it only fueled him more. He watched the sweat bead across your forehead and felt proud of himself.

“Atta boy. Gonna cum soon? Gonna cum completely untouched, like a whore? Hmm?” He purred out, leaning down to leave hickies across your neck and scratches down your chest. Your back arched pathetically off the bed while a woeful affirmative left your lips- but it wasn’t good enough for him.

“Say it.” He snarled, his voice too close to your ear to be that loud.

“G’nna cum, please.” You didn’t know what you were begging for, but your arms wrapped around his neck and pulling him closer. He shifted so he could rail you into the mattress and fulfill his promise.

“Please what? How can I help you if I don’t know what you want? What do you need, kitten?”

It was like he used the imperius curse on you. You bent to fit his mold and he couldn’t have asked for more.

“Please, sir. Please let me cum, please.” You whimpered, your toes curling in the air. Your ankles locked behind his waist and dug into him, effectively pulling him closer. His palm glided up your chest again and he gave you a smile.

“Course you can, love. Whenever you're good to go.” Draco didn’t ease up his hips, but his voice was softer and after a few thrusts hitting your prostate and a brush of his stomach against your weeping cock had you cumming. Your head tossed back and you didn’t bother to muffle the cry of his name.

It didn’t take much to follow you for Draco, it never did. He always thought one of the most beautiful expressions you could make was while you were cumming on his bed. That, and when he gave you candy and you smiled at him. He kissed every bruise he left on your skin before landing on your lips and laid next to you.

He pulled a sheet over the two of you- the room had gotten hot but he knew both of you were too tired to get cleaned and shower. He pulled you to his chest, kissing your temple.

“You did so good, baby. I love you.” He rested his chin against the top of your head, completely delving you in his shirt covered chest. He rubbed a hand down your back. Your boyfriend didn’t care about sweat.

“I love you too, Draco.” Your voice was rough and raspy. You planted a kiss to his cheek and nuzzled deeper into him somehow. “I miss you. The nice you- not the mean Slytherin you. He can suck my dick.”

“I know, I know. I’ll work on it. I promise.” Draco spoke between laughs. He hesitated, his mind bouncing between two questions he wanted to ask at once. “Do you want me to get you a bottle of water and we go take a bubble bath?” His voice was soft, but a massive grin spread across his lips when you nodded.

“Can we take a nap first?” You looked up at him with those big innocent eyes and gave him that smile he loved.

“Of course, dove.”

#hp x male reader #hp imagine #male reader #x male reader #draco malfoy smut #Ronny Writes #draco malfoy x male reader #Draco Malfoy #draco malfoy imagine #hp smut

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fonulyn · 3 years

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So I'm reading this sad Chreon story - as one does (it's me, I'm one) - and I just had the weirdest epiphany? Like, I dunno, it's probably dumb and far from a hot take or some eye opening character analysis no one has done before but I noticed that people (including myself, so like not saying this in any kind of bad way) tend to write Leon as stand offish, apathetic, and cold. Like this story stated it specifically, said something along the lines of "this is what Leon gets for cultivating a reputation for being unapproachable, apathetic, and indifferent" and the insinuation there is that he's done this on purpose, put on this front to seem unaffected by things when in the presence of others, and I think it's pretty true for his character. Like anything post RE2, Leon is kind of. I dunno, I wanna say deadpan? He seems to express v little emotion, and when he does it's usually in the form of a quip, one-liner, or snarky come back. Sometimes awkward small talk lol. But it feels like he's built this wall, this persona around himself, not just to protect himself from losing more people (bc he probably sees it as some kind of inevitability, and with his track record I certainly wouldn't blame him), but to protect people from him. This poor man has spent so long fighting, trying to save people, and even tho he saves the day in the end, so many people get lost in the process, and Leon feels every single loss personally. Right off the bat we see it every time someone dies in RE2, then again in RE4 with Luis, who he knew for a short period of time and yet mourned so heavily for, and even Krauser to an extent. Leon is someone who is quick to trust, even as he gets older, and we see that in RE Vendetta, too. Like that's probably one of the big reasons he's so devastated after losing his team. Not only was he entrusted with a group (which doesn't happen often, as far as we have seen), but he probably put his trust in them as well, including Petrucio, the man who betrayed them. I just think Leon is such a complex character who hides so much of himself (which is convenient for bad writers at Capcom who can't write good dialogue to save their lives lmao, but I also think it's a decent part of his character now), probably so what happened in RE2 doesn't happen again. Bc that shit was probably so traumatizing, and Leon was still a baby! I'm only a year older then he was at the time of RE2 but like, as humans our brains don't finish growing until age 25, so that kind of trauma at that age is for sure gonna stick with you, and it seems he picked up some unhealthy coping mechanisms from it that's more than just his drinking problem. Anyways I guess I just wanted to rant about how Leon is the most "emotionless" character in RE but in reality he feels and cares so much, so much so that if he doesn't put up that mask of indifference then he'll destroy himself. This man would die so that others could live, he's saved the world multiple times without a care for himself past the need to finish his mission and keep as many people as possible safe. He's such a tragic character and I love him so goddamn much, like he's one of those characters who you aspire to be like, in a way. Selfless, capable, dependable, reliable, smart, passionate, caring. And some of this might be my own character building I've done based off of other headcanons and character analysis posts and stories I've seen, but I do think we see a lot of this in the canon content, too. I just really love Leon S Kennedy, okay? He makes me sad but also so so happy and I love him v much, he is a big time comfort character for me. Sorry for the rant, just needed to scream about this with someone who would understand lol 😅

oh anon, I get you, I dooo. I think that you're right in that Leon has kind of this shell around himself because it's the only way he can cope. but there are so many cracks in his shell, and he lets people in so readily even when it would stand to reason that he shouldn't trust anyone anymore. he gets attached to people lightning fast, and he'd die for them even when he's barely met them.

this borders on headcanon territory, definitely, but I tend to often write him as someone who gets attached easily and falls for people easily (be it friendship or romantic or anything), but then he doesn't know how to properly let people in because he's got his defense mechanisms, he's trying to keep himself from breaking, and what if he truly lets someone past those walls and then another disaster strikes and he never recovers from it?

and I think it shows a lot in how he's so awkward with small talk, he can throw in one-liners and dad jokes and try to keep his own (and anyone else's) spirits up with that. but oh man. beyond that? the boy doesn't know how to naturally talk to people. (even like in Infinite Darkness, with Claire, I think his "don't do anything stupid" was 100% meant to be a joke, both times, but it just didn't exactly land perfectly. poor awkward bby)

but like even though he might put up this unaffected front, he's still so very expressive? like... if you really pay attention to him? he's far from actually an expressionless and cold person. he just isn't very loud about it. (i was just going through ID screencaps yesterday and while Shen May is talking and Leon is on the background, he goes through such a journey in expressions alone :'D)

AND HE CARES. like, for example in Infinite Darkness, he sees Patrick is shaken and the first possible moment he has, he immediately asks him if he's okay and takes a moment to reassure him. they're in a hurry, he's supposed to get going and not check up on a guy he's never even met before, but he does it anyway. and I think it speaks a lot of his character. he's quick to offer support and comfort, and he genuinely tries to be there for others the best he can. he desperately needs someone to listen to him in turn, seriously. give him emotional support, damnit.

and I wanna highlight what you said:

in reality he feels and cares so much, so much so that if he doesn't put up that mask of indifference then he'll destroy himself. This man would die so that others could live, he's saved the world multiple times without a care for himself past the need to finish his mission and keep as many people as possible safe.

because yes. 100%. also this:

he's one of those characters who you aspire to be like, in a way.

like. yes. there was this one meme thing going around which was basically like asking if you feel like you're like your favorite character and I'm just. I fucking wish I was one tenth of what he is :'D

I know not even he is perfect, c'mon, no such thing as perfect people exist (not even in fiction, or if they do then they'd be really damn boring :'D). i'm not trying to claim he has no flaws, or that he never does anything wrong. he has and he does. but the amount of genuine caring he shows and how hard he tries to do the right thing? truly awe inspiring.

i just. I'm right there with you. I love him so damn much. and that's why I spend most of my time writing fic where he gets at least some of that happiness he deserves :'D i need him taken care of, damnit, and if canon doesn't give him good things then i damn sure will.

#whenever you want to talk about him anon #i'm right here for you :D #i love him so much #so muchhhh #anonymous #ask and i shall answer #re answers #leon s kennedy #long post

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chibichibisha · 3 years

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Got an ask about RossAce relationship headcanons, so thought that I could give context for their relationship before I straightly jump into them. Sorry because this is kind of long, but if you fancy them as I do, please let me tell you how two idiots discover they might like each other far from than just the usualy bro stuff after going from “rivals to friends”

At first, when Rossain and Ace meet, they do not like each other. Ross is this jerk that thinks he is way cooler and more intelligent than Ace, and he likes to show this off. He, on purpose, teases Ace calling him "Ace-kun", in a try to belittle him, and Ace is fast to jump into it, since honestly, he is the type to do the same, so it's sometimes the other way around. You know, the tipical fights about students there. Ace thinks Rossain is an idiot who believes he is more than he is, and Rossain thinks Ace is a guy too snarky for his own good, who has no value for him at all. They become rivals instantly after this, (While DeShawn and Deuce do the same, because they usually fight as well), but even if uncooperative, they play some friend role when the ocassion puts them on the same side, as they belong to the first year group.

But this doesn't stay like this, because even if they voice that they do not like each other, they end sometimes hanging together with the group, or having to be like this because joint classes for their year. For the rest, it's clear that they don't have a good relationship because they are too similar, and usually want to be right about the other being wrong. They get used to each other presence as the year progresses, even if they keep teasing each other.

Ross is the first that starts to like Ace, tho. There are some times that they will encounter each other for some reasons, and it's not like they don't know each other, so they can overlook the fact not matching much and go together to do some stuff. Of course, complaining about this, but going anyway. And this is where they find out that, since they are so similar actually, they can have a fun time together. They have the same humor, they are witty and mischivous deep down, and even if Ross wants to looks smarter, more mature and more suave than he is, the truth is that he is just a 16 y/o guy that likes to hang out with others. This makes them see the other on the same level, and establish some sort of friendship despite the rivality they still hold.

Because Ace is not Ross' type, but he would prefer him over anyone else that is saved to his contact list, and he cannot even remember their names. Ace doesn't have anything Ross can benefit from: he is not someone important, he is not specially rich nor popular, and Ross is aware of that and still ackowlesging he has more fun with him than in some random date. He surprises himself thinking about this, but tries to think it's not important, because again, he is not his type.

Ross discovers then that, when he knows Ace more personally, he is able to make him embarrassed and see him blush. And this is not good, because he didn't expect it to like it so much. I mean, yeah, he is the type to enjoy when other people react to his flirting, it gives him some sort of power, but with Ace is different. If he teases him on a flirty way, Ace won't fight back like he usually did, and then complain in a more embarrassed way. Ross finds it so dangerous. Because Ace is not his type, but he likes that side of him a lot, all suddenly. And it annoys him at some degree, because he shouldnt be thinking about him that way.

He still didn't take it that seriously even if it's starting to annoy his own feelings, so he can just act like it's just assholish teasing. Until he sees Ace being sincere for the first time (The Ghost Marriage situation? yeah, that situation). Unlike him, Ross is never honest or true, not only with the rest of the world but with himself too. To see Ace beig actually pretty dependable and honest with his own beliefs and be able to openly say it to other person, gives Ross a sense of reality he has been keeping aside. Because he does not like how his reality. Yet, Ace words make him think that not everything has to feel that wrong, and it's better to see stuff differently, even if those words weren't for him.

So this is when Ross starts to realize he may have a crush with the stupid Ace, and be kinda annoyed about this fact, because he doesn't know how to deal with a real, genuine crush. And less in someone like Ace. His first impression about this is that it might be a useless thing, and he should forget about it, because he could never work it with someone like Ace. Truth is he is too scared of rejection, and he is not able to talk honestly either. And Ace is not the type to voice these kind of things either, since he is more or less in the same situation, so they enter into a weird dynamic were they are a mess: they tease each other, they become irritated or embarrassed, and there's so many situation filled with romantic tension you cannot even count them. Just teenagers being teenagers, honestly.

How they resolve all this? They probably stay in a state like this for some time, they have their first kiss like this probably, and be aware that they have some kind of relationship that they try to not talk about it because they are both dumb idiots.

#twst #twisted wonderland #twst oc #twisted wonderland oc #Cane twins #Rossain Cane #Ace Trappola #twst Ace #oc/canon #oc x canon #RossAce #Rossain x Ace

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tsukibraun · 4 years

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Pragma Love; Jean Kirschtein x reader

genre: angst, hurt/comfort, fluff

type: series, blurb

summary: you and jean slowly develop feelings for each other over time, but you both quickly learn that love isn’t as easy as you thought

warnings: feelings of worthlessness (you get better in the end tho cause you’re a legend, obviously)

listen to: Crush- Yuna, Usher

part 1/2

read part 2 here!

Self-worth is a tricky thing. You have to know when to be humble and when to humble others. You have to be able to determine what’s just a small flaw in someone’s personality and what’s them trying to walk all over you. You have to have enough love and respect for yourself without becoming a complete narcissist. You have to know what type love you deserve and how to reject the love you don’t like. And when someone tries to challenge your worth, you have to be ready to honestly defend yourself.

This is something you’d struggled with for a long time. It wasn’t easy being able to discern people’s intentions or to come up with a reason for why they treated you the way they did. Yeah, sure, this person could just be a total jerk, or you could’ve done something to deserve the harsh treatment. Maybe you really hurt them without realizing; maybe they’re just reacting that way to defend themselves. They could be a bad person, but what if it was the other way around? You never wanted to assume anything about anyone, but in recent years you’ve learned that sometimes that’s what you have to do.

That was the first thing you noticed about Jean. You witnessed the fight he’d had with Eren in the lunchroom one night. They both retaliated back at each other, but there was something different about the way he was doing it. Eren was clearly angry and wouldn’t let someone challenge his opinions, but Jean- Jean was beyond confident. He wasn’t threatened at all by Eren or his opinions; in fact, it seemed Jean knew he was right, at least in his head, and didn’t mind letting someone know that. He was confident in himself, like he knew he’d come out as the victor; but even if he didn’t, you had a feeling he wouldn’t be too bothered by it. He seemed like the type to just be proud of making his point.

At that time, you couldn’t imagine getting into an argument like that with someone. If they disagreed with you, even if you were clearly right, you would just let it go. ‘There’s no reason to put up a fight’, you’d say, ‘they have a valid reason to think what they think’. Even if they persisted after you clearly would not retaliate, you’d either end up agreeing with them to get them off your back or just sit and take it. Confrontation wasn’t an option and must be avoided at all costs, even if you weren’t the one that started it.

That was the first thing Jean noticed about you.

You were very quiet and laid-back; you often didn’t say much when you guys were in groups. You would just sit back and listen, quietly laughing at jokes from time to time. You weren’t quiet forever, though. After a couple of months you started to open up more; not too much, but it was progress. Little by little you would start to engage in group discussion, agreeing with someone, cracking a joke, or adding to the conversation in general. He thought it was so weird. You clearly had a lot more to say but you just...didn’t. You always bit your tongue and let someone else say it, or just let the idea disappear entirely. He didn’t pester you at first, though. He wanted to see how you would come out on your own.

There was one night, though, where he was really irked by your shyness.

It was late the night before an expedition. You guys were supposed to be asleep by then, but the night before a mission is always a restless one. While some scouts were responsible enough to get some shut eye, you, Jean, Berdolt, Reiner, Mikasa, Eren, Sasha, Krista, and Ymir had other plans. All of you sat in the lunchroom, making casual conversation. It was simple things, like games you would play as kids, things you hated, funny stories from before you became scouts. Eventually, though, you began to discuss your current reality. At first it began with the EDM gear, talking about improvements, how hard it was to use, what you liked about it, etc. Then you came to the topic of Titans. Many different things were talked about here, but there was one question that made everyone tense up: If you could only save your family or fellow cadet, who should you pick?

Ymir asked this question, of course, smirking at the change in atmosphere. This was a very sensitive question for many reasons, but you didn’t think too much of it. Everyone is different with their own experiences and reasons for why or why they wouldn’t do certain things. Eren was the first to answer. “What kind of question is that? You’d save your family, obviously.” No one answered for a while, each person contemplating their answer. “Do you guys seriously have to think about this?” Eren pestered. Finally, Jean answered. “As much as I can’t stand you, Eren, I’ll have to agree with you on this one.”

Everyone else began to give their answers and it started a small debate, but you were still thinking. Jean wondered if you were just gonna sit this one out again, and honestly the idea irritated him. But to his surprise (and everyone else’s) you gave an answer. “I’d save the cadet.” Everyone went quiet and stared at you, somewhat because they were shocked you answered, and somewhat shocked of your answer. Eren in particular didn’t like it. “Are you serious? You’d pick a soldier over your own family?” The tone in his voice made you anxious, but you still decided to explain yourself.

“Well, it’s not like I don’t love my family or anything but...in most cases, the cadet is more important...in practical ways at least. I’d obviously try to save my family afterwards but-“

“How heartless are you?” He interrupted. You felt a lump form in your throat as you predicted the confrontation that was about to ensue. “How could you say that? A soldier is more important than your mother, then? Sister? Father?” You gulped, trying your best not to freak out in front of everyone. You took a couple seconds to make sure he was done before speaking again. “Well...I don’t really view you all as just soldiers,” you trailed off looking at your feet, “I do care about all of you. I don’t hold the people I care about one against the other. I care for each of them all the same.”

“So, in this certain scenario, although I would never want my family to die, saving the soldier is more practical. They’re an extra set of hands, skill, thinking ability- we all know how devastating it is to lose a soldier. Everything becomes incessantly harder. What if they were really needed for future fights? What if they were an important asset? And, if I were able to save them, they could help me possibly save my family.” You finally looked up for a second, seeing everyone’s reaction to your words. You immediately looked somewhere else so you could finish your point.

“Saving a cadet isn’t just saving them, it’s also saving the rest of us. If I were to go after my family, what other things would I miss? More Titans coming? A retreat?A change of plan? And even if I did save them, it’s another liability.” You finally looked Eren in the eyes, seeing his clenched fist and strong glare. “Unfortunately, in this world, we can’t always go after what we want. Sometimes we have to go after what we need, even if that means losing something we want. Our decisions don’t just affect us- they affect everyone.”

A long silence followed the end of your tangent. This was the most you’d ever said in one go, and they didn’t quite know how to take it. They didn’t know you had such detailed thinking, either. They shared glances with each other before some began to speak again. “You know,” Berdolt said rubbing his chin, “when you put it like that, I can see your point.”

“Yeah,” Krista agreed, “I’m not sure I would do the same thing, but I can see where you’re coming from.” Eren scoffed. “You guys are delusional. The only reason you’re agreeing with her is because you pity her.” You straightened up, palms sweating. He could be right; you saw the looks on their faces when you were done. They could just be trying to keep you from feeling dumb. Before you could say anything else, Jean came to your defense. “And what’s that supposed to mean?” He asked, cocking his head to the side and leaning forward.

“You know exactly what I mean,” Eren continued, “the girl never says anything!”

“And so what if she doesn’t,” Jean asked, “she’s not bothering you. Why do you care so much?”

“I don’t-“

“Then leave her alone,” he interrupted, “She’s allowed to have her own opinion just like the rest of us. If you’re gonna get that pissed about it, maybe you should go to sleep.” Eren quickly stood up, ready to fight with Jean again, but Mikasa quickly stopped him. You looked between the two of them not quite sure of what to do; you decided not to say anything more to Eren since you had clearly made him upset. Instead, you quietly tapped Jean’s arm and gave a quiet “Thank you.” He gave you a small smile. “Don’t mention it. You know, though,” he said leaning closer to you, “you really need to learn to stick up for yourself. You can’t be so quiet all the time or else stuff like this is gonna keep happening.” He was so close you swore he could hear your unsteady heart rate; still, you returned his word with a small smile and nod.

Ever since then, you two were close.

It wasn’t necessarily a closeness that was outwardly established between you two, it was just there. If he saw you getting anxious, depending on the situation, he would invite you over to where he was. If not, he would give you a certain look, similarly to asking if you were okay or telling you everything was okay. You sat close to each other during meals; if one of you had a smaller portion than the other, you would give a piece of your meal without saying anything. You made sure you were in eyeshot of each other, whether that be on an expedition or simple training. It wasn’t an obsessive thing, just comforting.

Being around Jean made you open up more. Slowly, you began to be okay with showing others who you were. You began to talk louder, laugh more, speak your mind (with tact, of course), and stand your ground. It wasn’t to Jean’s level, but it was there. You noticed other small differences, too. If you needed help with something, you weren’t afraid to ask for it. You could come into a conversation without overthinking it. You began to speak to other people first instead of waiting for them to speak to you. You could walk up to a group of people without feeling like you were intruding. You were able to really live, now. And it was with his help.

The more you came out of your shell, the more Jean absolutely adored you. Sometimes he would be the one to sit back and observe; he would watch you talk and laugh with everyone and be completely infatuated with you. Your laugh, your smile, your humor, your kindness, your little mannerisms; the more and more he was with you, the more he realized he was in love with you. Completely in love with you. So much so it actually started to hurt.

Although he loved being around you, knowing that any of the cadets could have a chance of sweeping you off your feet frustrated him. Since you came out, everyone noticed your charm. The boys had complimented you a couple times, to which Jean told them all to shut up. He wanted to tell you how he felt, and he eventually would, but he had no idea when. He had to use tact like you did so you wouldn’t be too shocked and reject him, but he wasn’t quite sure how. Although you two were close, he had no idea what you wanted in a guy, especially not how you’d want to be confessed to. You didn’t seem to want much from anyone, but there was a part of you he didn’t know yet; the romantic part- that part of you with anyone was completely closed off. He didn’t want to ask you, either, because it was clearly something you weren’t too comfortable talking about.

He had no idea what to do, which was a pretty rare occurrence, at least when it came to women. Either way, he was going to tell you. He just had to figure out when.

Meanwhile, you were completely ignoring your feelings for Jean. Although you were a lot more open with everyone, there were certain parts you kept from them, even from yourself. You noticed the butterflies in your stomach, a different type of longing for his presence, him popping up in your head at random times. You knew how you felt about him, but you continued to lie to yourself. “It’s nothing,” you’d say, “I’m just overthinking it.”

You’d noticed him staring at you with a certain look in his eyes; the way he’d smile at you, the way he’d purposely brush your hands together when walking by, him being more protective and watchful of you- it was little stuff, but clearly different than what it’d been before.

And you absolutely loved it.

You didn’t notice, but you began to do the same thing. Smiling at him if you saw him sleep, fussing at him if he ever got hurt, making sure he had everything he needed at all times, fixing his collar or hair when it was a mess; everyone else saw it except you.

One day you’d have to come to terms with how you felt, but until then, you’d deny the feelings every change you got.

***

uh...hi!! this is something pretty different from what i normally do 😅 i’m not too comfortable writing stuff like this but i’m trying my best! hopefully this was a nice introduction to this series. anyways, if you read all of it, thank you sm!! i can’t tell you how much i appreciate it. take care and stay safe!<333

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thebeautyoffanfics · 3 years

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hello there! your writing is amazing so i was wondring if you could do a tbhk x reader💙💙i was thinking a s/o with really bad social anxiety like.. really bad and they just feel so different because they can see others effortlessly speaking about their presentations or see their classmates confidently performing in drama class. one day a teacher makes a rude comment on it and it just sends them into panic . i struggle with anxiety like this and i need my boy tsukasa and others to comfort me💜💙

tsukasa yugi x gn!reader, kou minamoto x gn!reader, (alive!) mitsuba sousuke x gn!reader

a/n: hihi!! thank you so much for the compliment, and sure thing! i do hope youre doing well, because i know from experience how crippling anxiety can be :(( rude, inconsiderate people like that only make things worse- but!! Tho i can’t do much, i hope these are at least a bit comforting!! You only specified tsukasa, so i threw in a few personal favorites as well, i hope that’s alright <33 if you’d like anyone else, simply let me know! oh and! Thank you so much for requesting <333

please i kinda realized that- whenever i write for kou it’s lowkey biased i just,,,, i love him a lot

warnings: social anxiety

word count: 1,846

Tsukasa Yugi <3

To be completely honest, he doesn’t fully get it. The best he grasps it is “(Y/N) can’t handle social situations”, not meaning it in a derogatory way. Just that it’s something that makes them feel very uncomfortable!

One thing is for sure though! He’ll take it very seriously, and does his best to keep you out of situations that may be less than ideal. He also will fight anyone who pokes fun at you- it isn’t funny, and that’s coming from a boy who practically thrives off of pain. Not your pain though. Nope- no one should dare upset you, or cause you any sort of pain or distress. You’re his precious s/o.

When he sees you getting uncomfortable, Tsukasa is honestly just the type of dude who grabs your hand and drags you away. Heck, it’s not like he wants others talking to you anyway :D! His s/o, not theirs!!

If you aren’t fully in panic, or have calmed down enough, he doesn’t pester you or make a big deal of it. He’ll ask if you’re okay, and sort of… leaves it at that. He doesn’t want you to be reminded of anything upsetting, and he doesn’t want you to feel like you have to talk about it. If you want to, he’ll listen of course.

Tsukasa… isn’t the best comforter. If you start to have a panic attack, he’ll stay with you, sitting next to you and rubbing your back. However, he isn’t sure what to do outside of that. He may try to converse a bit, hoping to maybe distract you? Either way, once you calm down, he’ll ask what he should do, and will very obediently do it. Though Sakura compared him to a cat, he’s almost like a dog at times-

Tsukasa definitely notices if you start comparing yourself to others, and will do his best to stop that. He’ll grab your face in his hands, look you in the eyes, and declare that you’re perfect the way you are!! You can’t help your situation! SO, don’t feel bad!

Of course, having someone say “nooo, don’t do that!” doesn’t automatically fix your problems- while Tsukasa wishes it was that simple, he keeps up his encouraging you whenever you need it.

Oh boy though- the moment he heard those rude words leave your teacher’s mouth, he was ready to throw hands. Like, genuinely, put ‘em up old man/woman/person. Tsukasa isn’t the type to lose his cool when it comes to anger- it’s more weird/strange things for him, y’know- but he’s genuinely angry at that.

Yet, because you’re his priority, he does focus on you. He’ll grab your hands, and pull you out of the classroom. Tsukasa will then sit with you, hugging you if you’re okay with it, and rubbing your back.

“Don’t listen to them, (Y/N). That’s so dumb!! You can’t help that!!! They don’t understand, and they aren’t trying, and it’s stupid. I’ll take care of it! I’ll fight ‘til the death-!!!!”

“You’re already-”

“‘TIL THE DEATH.”

Overall, even if he doesn’t intend or realize it, Tsukasa does try to help you through humor. He attempts to comfort you, rubbing your back, telling you the plain facts- that it’s so dumb of your teacher to say something like that, how inconsiderate it is, how it’s ridiculous that they don’t even try to understand where you’re coming from- that you’re perfect the way you are, and you good and well don’t want social anxiety so, my goodness, people need to stop treating it like it’s your choice. But! It’s also a whole lot of rambling, pouty expressions, and hugs-

Kou Minamoto <3

Like Tsukasa, Kou doesn’t fully grasp it. However, he does a lot of research, and will side with you no matter what! He doesn’t see you any different, but he does do his best to keep you 1,000% comfortable. If he notices you getting uncomfortable, he’ll excuse the two of you, and immediately ask if you’re alright.

Bless his sweet little heart, he does worry for you a lot. Whenever you’re uncomfortable, Kou instantly feels uncomfortable as well. So, getting out of those situations is always beneficial for the both of you, pfff-

Although, should you be put in a situation that you can’t slip out of, Kou will try and take over the conversation in your place. Sort of get the attention directed away from you, in hopes that it provides some sort of comfort. As soon as the conversation is over, he’ll do as he always does- turn to you, a precious worried expression on his face, as he asks if you’re alright.

Should you start to have a panic attack, though he’s on edge the entire time- he just wants you to be happy and comfortable after all- he stays with you, and looks surprisingly calm. He’ll place a hand on your shoulder, or hold you if you’d like. Kou will do breathing exercises in hopes that it calms you down, and is so proud of you once you’re back.

After moments like those, he’ll also run to get you water, then sit with you for as long as you need. He doesn’t mind if you just want to sit in silence, but he’ll probably sit there carrying a conversation primarily with himself. Consider it… background noise, I suppose? He understands if you don’t feel like talking, or even listening, and won’t hold anything against you. It’s mainly a way for him to calm down, to be honest- good ol’ nervous rambling.

Much like Tsukasa, Kou will admittedly fight someone for you. Is he a precious boy, who wouldn’t want to hurt a human? Yeah, of course! Is a human anything more than an evil supernatural in his eyes, should they intentionally upset you? Nope, of course not!

Kou usually sits next to you in classes, simply because he’s your friend and boyfriend. However, in that moment, it provided him enough to know whether you’re alright or not.

Kou’s face the moment he heard those words leave the teacher’s mouth was pure… confusion- anger- the perfect “?!” expression. He wasn’t focused on what he looked like though- he was focused on you. That was enough to hurt his feelings, so he couldn’t imagine what you were feeling.

At seeing that pure panic on your face, Kou stood up, and stepped over to you. He grabbed your hand, carefully ushering you out of the room, offering the teacher nothing more than an, avoiding eye contact and barely turning himself to face the teacher, “excuse us.” He couldn’t give two cares about whether or not it’d get him in trouble. Right now, the teacher was scum, and you needed to get out of there.

Kou would sit with you, comforting you in the same way he did any other time, hugging you and rocking back-and-forward slightly, hoping that it helped. If it didn’t, he’d sit back, still offering any other forms of comfort he could. Once you calmed down as best you could, Kou would hug you/tighten the hug (if it was alright with you) and, similarly to Tsukasa, tell you plain facts.

“I promise you, (Y/N), what they said isn’t true. It’s inconsiderate. It’s- not right. You’re doing your best, and if they can’t see that, then- then? I… I don’t know. They should keep their mouth shut and try to understand. Put themselves in your shoes… I’m sorry- I’m sorry that you had to deal with that, (Y/N). I’m really sorry.”

Mitsuba Sousuke <3

He’s your #1 defender. It’s well-known that Mitsuba isn’t afraid to speak his mind- and is also pretty good at making someone feel guilty. He’d never use that skill on you, of course. He saves it specially for jerks that provoke you like that.

He doesn’t personally suffer from social anxiety, but he does understand it better than the other two. It’s completely rational in his eyes. He understands it just fine, and it frustrates him when others don’t. It especially frustrates him when others don’t even attempt to understand.

Mitsuba isn’t extremely fond of talking with others- once he befriends you, he sort of keeps to you and him. He’s content with that as well, and honestly dislikes it when others try and intrude on that. People like Kou or Kou’s friends are slight exceptions, but none of them are as close to him as you are. No one tries to understand him like you do- and he likes to think he understands you a bit more than they might.

When you get uncomfortable, Mitsuba will tell the other person directly that they’re disturbing the two of you, and that they should hurry up, or simply go along on their way. Like I said, Mitsuba isn’t afraid to speak his mind, even if his mind is a bit ruder than others’. Heck, if someone doesn’t get the very obvious hint, he'll put it even blunter for their small minds to understand. All in all, he doesn’t want you to be uncomfortable, and uses his questionable social skills to his advantage.

Despite his ability to get you out of situations, he isn’t the best at dealing with the panic that results from the situations. He does have a decent grasp on what he should do, but his slight tsundere tendencies make it difficult.

So! Mitsuba will sit there, next to you, probably with his shoulder pressed against yours. He sort of… talks you through a panic attack? He isn’t entirely sure how to help you out of one, but he’s decent enough at keeping you grounded. Plus, even if he doesn’t help tremendously, he at least shows that he cares. Heck, if he’s feeling generous, he may even place a fleeting kiss on your shoulder as a “reward.”

One thing especially keeping him tied with the other boys, is he’s fuming the moment your teacher makes that comment. As soon as the words leave his mouth, Mitsuba is sitting there, practically forcing himself to keep some sort of composure.

“Tch. The crap? What kind of audacity do you have to disregard a student’s mental health. What’s wrong with you? How would you feel if I made a comment on your receding hairline, hm? Oh? Oh, that’s not something you can help, hm? Well, whether it can get through your thick skull or not, (Y/N) can’t help it either. So, unlike your forehead, which will continue- why don’t we leave it at that?”

Mitsuba doesn’t really bother to excuse the two of you- heck, after that, he’s already confident he’s in deep trouble. It’s not as if he cares though- no, he’s perfectly content, as he takes your hand and guides you out of the classroom.

Mitsuba, as he usually does, sits with you, letting you cry as much as you need. “Don’t worry, (Y/N). If that much didn’t get through to them, I have a few more choice words I’d be glad to share. No matter what, it’s not your fault, and I’ve got your back.”

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mcd-ms-rants · 3 years

Text

I can’t believe I started this blog asking for one note and you guys went way above and beyond that <3 <3

let’s do this shit *cracks knuckles*

also some of the points here might be in jumbled order cuz I just wrote them as soon as they came into my head

STUFF I DIDNT LIKE IN MYSTREET SEASON 2:

• ayyy home alone reference

• ok that’s not a bad thing

• WHERE IS LAURANCE. He had no reason to just disappear like that where did he go :(

(side note: I’m pretty sure that Jess was hospitalized during this time, so a lot of characters were cut out and the script was made shorter. so I think that’s why a few characters were scrapped.)

• isn’t llp supposed to be ‘sold out since forever’?? how do Aaron and Dante somehow win tickets FOR EVERYONE just by kissing?? ok sometimes shows or contests give free tickets...but only like one or two. Aphmau literally drags the whole street there

• in my opinion it is IMPOSSIBLE for a whole street’s worth of people to pack their stuff, grab essentials, drive to the airport, check in and get on the plane IN AN HOUR. especially considering that mystreet is the most chaotic street in existence

• why do all the boys swim shorts have the same damn pattern hello originality??

• DAMN TRAVIS GETS UP TO SOME FREAKY SHIT WHEN THE OTHERS ARENT HOME. he literally hires people to impersonate his friends and monologues as katelyn and I’m not even going to repeat those lines here they are CURSED😳😳 where did he even get Katelyn’s clothes from??

• how does the mys gang take Zane, who (im pretty sure) wasn’t even in the house where Garroth and Dante were when Dante broke down the door, but forget to take Travis, who literally lives IN THEIR BASEMENT IN THE SAME HOUSE. for the record HOW DO THEY FORGET LAURANCE. this makes no sense (I don’t really remember this part well so if zane is actually there then ignore me :) thanks)

• garroth saying ahoy matey kills me every time

• I feel like lucinda really got shoved to the side in this season. she barely has any relevant lines that aren’t just filler

• ok there’s a gay couple here it’s Guy and Nate. but isn’t this way of representing them heavily stereotyped?? a twink and a buff guy. Seems like a stereotype to me and I don’t like it because of that

• also arent ivy and teony supposed to be lesbian?? this would have been nice...IF WE ACTUALLY GOT TO SEE THEM ASIDE FROM LIKE TWO EPISODES. Stop making characters disappear :( I get that not every character can be major but they were like the only decently written lgbtq+ representation this show has plus teony is a dark-skinned beauty and you cannot convince me otherwise. she’s underrated

• I bring to you better lgbtq+ representation: Garrance

• admit it it would’ve been SO MUCH BETTER even tho Laurance wasn’t actually in s2 at least do it in s1

• we need more nb and lgbtq+ representation I’ll say this again and again

• when Aph sees Ivy there’s no mention of her being in a jury of any kind in pdh. Same with Katelyn and Jeffory actually, even Ivan in s3. If these people weren’t in the jury then who was??

• i love mcd Dante but WTF HAPPENED HERE. His character is a mess and not the good kind. he is dumb, flirty and a cheater since highschool and instead of learning from his mistake of cheating in pdh he decides to DO IT AGAIN. And I don’t see anyone else in the cast point this out or tell him not to?? Why??

• HOW TF DO ZANE’S PANTS EVEN FALL DOWN?? he legit goes down a baby water slide and boom theyre gone. Aphmau doesn’t lose her clothes while going down a roller caster water slide that GOES INTO THE SEA so HOW DOES HE?? If they were that loose they would’ve fallen off while he was walking. which they didn’t. Also doesn’t water make your clothes stick to your skin and not the other way around? Ya hello can someone please explain

The next four points are not actually bad things i found them funny in a stupid way but also how tf did they even happen:

• I’m not even going to BOTHER deciphering the physics behind Travis setting the house on fire, having said fire coming into contact with explosive feathers, and yeeting him thousands of miles away into llp

• no seriously how is he still alive

• and why is he allowed to stay?? isn’t this place sold out since forever??

• wow celeste has the power to swim thousands of miles away to llp as well seriously what does she eat??

ok let’s get back to it

• doesnt Katelyn throw Travis off a roof some time in this season, or was it s1? Either way that’s not cool

• the talk between Travis and katelyn was very much needed. I’m very glad it was written in but feel as though it could have been written a bit better. also Katelyn doesn’t even realize what shes doing isn’t ok till here in canon which I don’t like because it makes her seem ignorant or airheaded and I know she isn’t like that. she’s better than that. she should have been at least a bit aware of it since s1

• AND THIS WHOLE TALK WAS SHOVED ASIDE BCUZ AARON HAD TO ASK APH TO LIVE WITH HIM. am I the only one that feels this way? which is more important in your opinion?? there was nothing inherently wrong with this scene but the fact that THIS had more importance than the travlyn talk really upset me

• hello Gene :) the ONLY character with some decent development here. Give him a hand👏👏

let me make it known that I’m aware that this is supposed to be an anime style show so not everything will make logical sense but I’ve still put those points in cuz why not

and that’s all I can think of thanks for coming to my ted talk <3 <3

#zane ro'meave #garroth ro'meave #aphmau #mystreet #travis valkrum #katelyn the firefist #lucinda #aaron lycan #kawaii~chan #season 2 rant #here it is #basically #more lgbtq representation pls

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socheckitout-mikey · 3 years

Note

This maybe kind of a dumb question, but say one of the greasers were to get married, what would everyone wear and how would everyone act?!

heya birdie! this isn’t a dumb question at all, but i had to really think about it. thanks for requesting it tho! my best friend @brideofcthulhu10 helped me with this one as i was stuck. so go show her some love, tho she writes for The Lost Boys! (: i hope you enjoy what i’ve written bc it’s a right mess! - mae

✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* 　　 *:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧

One of the Gang Getting Married Hc’s:

° Alrighty, let’s be real, it’s either Sodapop or Steve who’s getting married first.

° Just bc Johnny’s too afraid to speak to girls after the whole Sylvia ordeal. Though he’d be a likely candidate if he found someone real swell!

° Two-bit seems like another likely candidate, though, in my personal opinion, he doesn’t seem to be incredibly serious about Kathy or likely to be the type to be serious and settle down any time soon. He’s definitely the flirtatious type and doesn’t take relationships too seriously, which is just Two-bit: Though I don’t think he’s the type to flirt and mess around with other girls out of being malicious, he just seems to be the type to not adhere himself to things like Sodapop or Steve. But with the right person, he’s serious.

° Dally is definitely out of the question, particularly at the moment. I doubt he’s looking to be tied down by anyone any time soon and the thought probably freaks him out a little. Though, that’s just my own personal opinion. To me, he just doesn’t seem like the marrying type, especially not atm.

° Pony’s just too young and awkward. I view him as the baby still, no matter how old he’d be. I’m not even going into more detail lol.

° And poor old Darry! He’s so busy and tired, there’s no damn time for him to look into dating! Even though he’d be psyched to if he could. But he never thinks about that sorta stuff because Darry’s a busy, grouchy man; and rightly so!

° I believe that Steve would be one of the first to marry because of the fact that him and Evie seemed to be quite serious in the book from what I understood. They’ve got a relationship that’s clearly going strong, and it must’ve lasted for awhile since at one point he got arrested and she cried about it, staying faithful. She also seems to be someone that Soda and the other’s get along with.

° But for this piece, I’m choosing Sodapop! Now, I know y’all will be thinking that he’d have some major trust issues after Sandy, and you’re honestly not wrong. He would!

° However, I think that Soda deserves a lucky break and for something to go right for him for once! So, let’s say he’s met his soulmate and everything’s just gone all swell! He’s popped the question in the most thoughtful and romantic way possible, bc it’s our Soda we’re talkin’ about!

° He’s gonna be nervous asf and Steve’s the one to calm him down bc let’s face it, he’s his best man! The little pep talks that’ll happen before it oh my gosh!

° Soda and the other boys are pretty casual, and honestly, I’m leaning towards it just being a smaller wedding. Sodapop wants people that you both love there: Nothing to spoil the event, and quite frankly, it goes perfect.

° The wedding probably occurs in a small local church if that’s what you guys have decided, but afterwards, you guys would probably have drinks and food back at the house, where everyone’s dressed a little more fancier than usual.

° Or the wedding is a small one in your backyard, but it’s still just as special.

° I note this just because they’re greasers and they don’t have much, but they know how to have fun and how to make this day special. It’s about the feeling, not about the material grandness of the day!

° At least that’s what you keep reassuring Soda with, because you can tell he feels a little guilty about not being able to give you what a Soc could. But that’s not why you’re marrying him, right? You’re marrying him because you both bring out the best in each other!

° Well, during the wedding, there was a lot of hollering and grinning from the boys, something that was making Soda blush up a storm!

° I mean, even Dally and Two-bit are taking it seriously. The pair dressed up as snazzy as they could, joking that they’re looking as fine as ever to take away the beautiful bride!

° Darry may or may not have had to hold Sodapop back from launching cake at them both.

° Ponyboy’s grinning from ear to ear! He’s geeking out so hard because he loves you to pieces and he’s never had a sister: So having you be more of a prominent figure in his life is going to make him really happy!

° Darry’s just so happy that there’s someone to calm Soda down and settle him out: Keep his head right on his shoulders. If that’s not the case, he’s happy that Soda’s got someone just as nuts as him! Though, he feels horrible for you because of all the experimentation that you’ll encounter within regards to food.

° Steve loves you big time! He’s gonna miss his best friend, but he’s happy that he’s marrying someone so understanding and amazing. You also get on very well with Evie which is a bonus!

° Johnny’s the first to get a dance with you after Soda, and he’s blushing the whole time. You’re probably the only girl that he talks to, but obviously not in that sense. He likes you so much because you’re always getting him candy and giving him a good cooked meal, a listening ear and comfort. He thinks you’re a really sweet girl and suit Soda.

° Dallas is happy for his buddy. Although married life isn’t too much his style, he’s happy to see Sodapop finally catch a break with someone who’ll treat him right. He constantly jokes that he’s gonna pick you up and it bugs Soda a lot but Dally’s only joking.

° Two-bit’s a people person, so he gels along with you quite well and makes you laugh so hard. You also make Two-bit laugh a lot. You’re both practically joined to the hip! Two-bit’s always flirting with you, but he flirts with just about anyone.

° Definitely the one who offered to elope to Mexico with you and got a curt smack to the back of his head by Darry!

° Alright, so the gang got you a really terrible fake gift for your married life which made you two end up laughing once they brought out the real thing. It was something practical and pretty expensive since they’d all pitched in to get you guys something good because you both deserve it. Soda cried like a baby!

° There’s a ton of dancing and it’s kinda cringe. The gang dancing together makes Ponyboy and Johnny want to crawl under the floorboards like; “OH MY GOD SODA STOP DANCING LIKE DAD!”

° Darry even dances and ya boii sweeps you off your feet and you’re kinda gobsmacked because who’s switched him out for the alien?!

° Idk what else to say really, they’re all just happy for you both! The gang won’t make anything dramatic, and any drama that does occur, it’s quick to be laughed over bc they’re all pretty laid back. They wouldn’t really let anyone else shit talk you guys.

° Besides, Two-bit’s there and able to diffuse any odd tension with a joke.

° It’s the best day/night of your lives.

° Y’all got so drunk oh my god.

✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* 　　 *:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧

please like, reblog and follow for more!

requests: open!

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redxblueihateloveyou · 3 years

Note

Hiiii!!! 💫💕🌸🥳

Can I bother with a question... I was (re)watching that zhang qiling edit (not today) - 'cause it's so cool, btw- and I wondered if Reboot Xiaoge’s your favourite one...? And if you're up to answering, what do you think about the other adaptations? Especially (our small bean) xiao yuliang's interpretation of xiaoge?

🤗🌺💐🐰💕

Hey, my precious patootie hehe ILY it always makes me very happy knowing that you rewatch my vids <3

lol dang it, I was kinda hoping to avoid this question, just because I feel like I'd find it hella hard to explain some things, but I'll try my best and hopefully it'll make some sense xD

I'll start from afar bc I wanna try to explain my reasonings, since I don't want to go without arguments into such highly debated question lolz. I talked about this a bit in my previous asks somewhere, but not broadly as to why that one guy hit all the right spots.

So throughout the books Wu Xie always does this wonderful thing, where he very tangibly describes the feeling he gets when Xiaoge is near, I mean like the aura around him. And he always somehow does it so colorful, that this mix of safety, assurance, calmness, composure and some things I can't quite put into one noun, that he brings to him, I think everyone who've read the books can recognize as this almost magical "Xiaoge feeling". It's not just the way he acts in some dangerous situations or smth like that. It's just everything. You either have it or you don't. And here goes my first argument... to me none of them, except for Huang Junjie and Yuliang have it.

I mean it's not even the obvious stuff, it's like the way they move during the action scenes, the way they even stand and hold themselves, the way they touch Wu Xie, the tone of their voices (both of which are like soothing as fuck), little things you'd think wouldn't matter, but when you watch it and all the puzzle pieces are together, you're like... fuck yeah, thats him.

Also not really that weighty of a point, but to me there's always a joy to see that the actor who plays the character not only gets what's he's playing, but also loves it, bc it's always seen on screen. Usually when some asked about the character they play and what they have in common for example they answer with obvious things like if some character is introverted they're like "well I also don't talk very much" or smth like that, you know what I mean. When I was watching interviews of Yuliang and Huang Junjie I was just smiling so much, bc they've said such things that made me go "yeah, Qiling is safe in their hands".

In Reboot case working in such close proximity with the author definitely also played a huge role here. Bc it kinda gets complicated in some aspects since the books are written from Wu Xie's point of view and you can't only base your picture on his perspective, just bc it's coming from a person who after being basically told "you're my whole world" goes "I'm just a person he randomly passes by in his long life" in his thoughts. Not only he's utterly clueless and dumb when it comes to all this, that he wouldn't notice the way Qiling looks at him and other things, its also not that kind of book, that would go "I suddenly caught poker face looking at me like I'm his whole existence" (and I honestly don't want it to be that book lmao). So you have to take into the account here stuff like what author says to get the whole picture, bc if you look at that from the point of Qiling's view for example, this shit takes a whole wild turn. So I really loved that in UN and Reboot ways of showing Qiling's feelings were well thought out and fit the timeline.

Bc it also works both ways, when it comes to other adaptations. Like Qiling is very and I mean ETREMELY hard to win over. We all know that it was a very long process of gaining his trust and even longer for him to fall for Wu Xie to the point of him being his everything. So what I want in those interpretations is for them to get at which point of their relationships what Xiaoge's behavior makes sense. I do not need any fanservice if it ruins the character, I'll just hate it. The thing that their feelings didn't come out of nowhere is what I LOVE about this ship, bc I'm not the kind of person who believes in "we love for nothing" thing and love at first sight thing (only "got hots for each other" at first sight), bc thats bull. Wu Xie became his everything after a long LONG process of getting to know each other. At the beginning tho he was the same stranger to him as everyone else. So what Reboot Qiling feels for Wu Xie is not what UN's Qiling feels for Wu Xie yet and what UN's Qiling feels for Wu Xie is not what Lost Tomb's Qiling feels for Wu Xie (which at that point was nothing). And I feel like not everyone gets the fact that you can totally wreck the character if you make him behave not the way he behaved in that particular time. Like for example, if someone would make a MDZS adaptation where at the very beginning of their relationships LZ treats WWX the way he treated him after the reincarnation just because "who cares, it's still LZ", that would be dumb af, see what I mean. So Xiaoge having a weakness for Wu Xie in part one is automatically not a Xiaoge to me, bc a huge part of his character and the thing NPSS speaks a lot about is just how IMPOSSIBLE it is for someone to catch his attention and how long it took Wu Xie to get there. So let's just say to me UN and Reboot Qilings for the first time didn't feel like some mashup or character summary/parody, they were Qilings the way they are supposed to be in that part of the story, bc it was the only times someone actually bothered to coordinate it.

Now as to why I prefer one to another. Xiaoge has this thing... the way he holds himself with other people, that is sometimes intentionally and sometimes unintentionally suppressing.

Like everyone knows that if you're a passerby, Qiling genuinely doesn't fucking care and would in fact be pretty harsh about it in terms of treating people like they do not deserve their attention. He won't be like "please, don't bother me", he simply ignored them like an empty space. He is also like that with acquaintances who in his opinion do not deserve his respect like that girl who went hysterical, bc she was upset that he was the only one who wasn't drooling on her like all other men on the crew, Chen Wenjin, Wu Xie's uncles and etc. He's not openly disrespectful unless they trigger him in some way (usually by trying to act superior or later on for not treating Wu Xie right), but if they do, he will in fact remind them their place in sometimes a very rude way, at times humiliating them in front of ppl bc he looks younger than them and talking starts.

He's always doing things on his own terms and hates being told what to do. Like he legit scared Chen Wenjin just with a look and the tone of his voice when he said "let go", when she tried to command him on the mission and grabbed him trying to lecture him about what he should or shouldn't do. That's why Wu Erbai didn't even try anything like this and let him do whatever he needed to do and equally lead the mission in Reboot. And why the scene where Wu Xie 'commands' "Xiaoge, come back" and he immediately listens holds another special place in my heart. Bc he NEVER and I mean NEVER allows such things to ANYONE.

So here I came to a point of why despite loving them both dearly, my favorite Xiaoge is Huang Junjie.

I have this dissonance with Yuliang's version when to me in many scenes it felt like he and Wu Xie are the same age. Like if he was Xiaoge, but in his 20s. In his interactions with Chen Wenjin the dynamics was turned upside down, with him being okay with her telling him what to do and just in general the way she behaved with him. Same as like I didn't always quite believe him to be on par with older generation or even Pangzi, it just felt like he was truly younger than them. Some scenes that I do find extremely cute just don't fit book Xiaoge at all, I'm talking about some moments like his face when Wu Xie gave him food, or him pouting and many things he's done, when you were going "uwu he's a baby". He just never gives me this feeling in the books ever, not just bc he's 100 years old, but sad fact here.. bc he's simply unable to behave that way. Like in the books you'll desperately want to shower him with love, but he's just... I can't quite explain, it's very sad.

I guess it's just you know these characters, who are like hundreds years old, but look like they're 18? I think you have to be very careful with how you write those, so you could deliver that. And in UN because of some changed dynamics and scenes I straight up forgot about it, until Wu Xie threw some joke like "he's an old man" in front of a restaurant.

In Reboot Xiaoge could make Wu Erbai stutter with one move, put Yuliang's version in the same scene, I just don't think it would've worked. Like I'm trying to imagine him telling UN's Wu Erbai what to do and having troubles already haha. Same as I don't think he's capable to be genuinely mad at Wu Xie, and HJJ nailed it esp in one of my fav when Wu Xie was laughing at Pangzi's joke about him catching cold. The look he gave him and how ZYL just retreated was priceless xD. And boy could Qiling get angry with him in the books!

Otherwise I didn't have any drastic fall outs there, like with Joseph's Wu Xie and Ah Ning's death, because that was just too much of a difference, but there were still moments where it was once again this the same scene completely different emotion thing. He was more tolerable to ppl in general here, more pliable. And 50% of the time he gave me the cute lost kitten type, which I just cannot connect with the feeling he gave me in the books. His personality is a cat type 100%, but like seriously "cute baby" is the last word combination I would ever apply to book Xiaoge, but with Yuliang's version it's easily applied. So small bean he is indeed. With Joseph and in UN it works incredibly perfect to me, but the way he is in UN is at times too gentle. And there are lots of scenes where Joseph himself looked at him in a way "you're too cute, let me pinch your cheeks" kind of way, or the way he like sat down next to him on the coast, he was a bit babying him at times. I can't imagine book pingxie doing that. It's just a whole different vibe, the way he takes care of him, the way he lets him take care of him... it's...uuuuuuuuu another vibe (see, I'm so good at explaining lmao).

It's also kinda funny to me, bc HJJ who's the smallest and who irl truly a kitten never once gave me that feeling on screen for some reason. The one babied and loved by every crew and old ppl, who was cutely hiding behind ZYL's back on set, who won't sue an ex who almost ruined his career bc of how stupid she is, bc he "didn't want to hurt her", who according to staff can't even step on a fly, whom CMH was petting for several minutes after he had to hit him with a prop brick bc he didn't wanna do it lmao. I was just like.. ok, this is hilarious, bc I in fact didn't expect him to be a small bean, so watching all the bts made me go LOOOOL. Probably ZYL acting like a 3 year old helped him transform and the age difference problem got lost lmao

As for other adaptations. You know I can't watch seriously "Lost Tomb", I think some ppl probably have some nostalgic feeling about it, but I'm sorry, to me it's fucking hilarious. Like I've already said it looks like some type of twilight parody thing or smth. Soft damselle Wu Xie esp killed me, bc 1st when he ever was that, 2nd in the first book he's salty af, I don't even know this dude in this interpretation, I was like who's this. YangYang I know him from other things, I really don't think it's his role. I know the script and everything is bad. I know the costume and hair are horrendously funny, but it's just I was watching him in those action scenes and was like no... just I'm sorry but I'm not feeling it. I simply just don't know what to say about the whole thing seriously, bc I don't even know where to start. 10 episodes of some salad finished with one mutilated scene from book 6 for no reason the fact that characters are weird themselves also I can't quite tell, did they really just meet or they imply smth else lmao.. I'm sorry, but I do not get it.

I've given LT2 another try after finishing all the books and I've dropped it half way through, Cheng Yi wasn't even close to how I pictured Xiaoge in any aspect. He in fact didn't do anything OOC or off the book or anything, I just was like "not my Qiling". Happens sometimes.

Explore with the note you already know how I feel about this lol let's just forget.

P.S. To be fair here also maybe we should take into account the fact that some got luckier than other with "at which point" Xiaoge they're playing. Like for example, "Wrath of the Sea" and "Qingling Tree" books which is LT2 is not exactly you can say much about Qiling there, he trolls them there in the beginning (in a brilliant way that was totally lost in the adaptation) and he is there in "Wrath of Sea", but it's not the part that can make his character shine in any way, there's not much things happening there that would make you fall for him or get to know him; Yuliang grabbed the fattest piece bc it's middle several books, when they're always together and his character shines the most in terms of clues about past, opening up to Wu Xie and Pangzi, and there are many many events where you can get the picture of what kind of man he is; Huang Junjie grabbed my fav piece of utter devotion, where he's already fully and wholeheartedly belongs to Wu Xie, that I'm just weak for. So like... there's also that I guess xD.

#answered #jaecomments #zhang qiling #daomu biji #dmbj #lost tomb reboot #i still feel like i couldn't quite explain stuff lol #its a complicated question xD #do not kill me for my i guess weird opinions haha #huang junjie #xiao yuliang #lost tomb #pingxie

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