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itwasntimethatdidit40 · 5 months ago

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Perfect.

Pairing/AU: Soft Boyfriend!Joel Miller X Curvy AFAB!reader , no outbreak.

Words count: 3612, One shot.

Summary: Basically Joel worshipping you and your curvy body ❤️

Warning: +18 only because there is a little bit of smut in the end (Joel 🍽️😺), nothing too serious but still. Reader is curvy, has wide hips, big breasts, has hair (not specified how long or what color it is or anything), has a freckle above her upper lip. Age not mentioned but they’re both fully grown adults. Joel is the cutest and loves you deeply like anyone has ever done before. (If I did things right you will end up crying a little bit, hopefully)

We talk about not accepting ourselves, seeing ourselves as ugly, having a bad relationship with a parent (mom), briefly about bullying and in general about how society perceives non-conforming bodies and how sometimes we convince ourselves that we are wrong. I don't go into much depth but there are still some passages that I feel are truly mine, so you are warned. I don’t want to trigger you, I want you to feel beautiful and valid and one of a kind and special. All of you.

I was toying myself with the idea of a story about Joel and a curvy reader and this came out. I wrote this at 2am after listening to “Pedro” and “Glow” by Omar Apollo with tears streaming down my face, it’s probably full of mistakes (English is not my first language, no beta reader because it’s 2 fucking am and I should sleep like everybody else in my time zone instead of doing this DAMN!) so I beg your pardon, my brain is a mess right now.

Most of all, I hope you will like it, let me know! Thanks to anyone who will read this.

You wake up in bed alone and you stretch your arm on the other side of the bed feeling it empty and cold.

Joel is out for work, meeting a big potential client who wants to renovate his huge mansion.

Obviously he has to try to get the job, but you feel like he's been forever away when he's only been gone for two days.

Your bed feels so large without him in it.

You grab his pillow to try to inhale his scent, just a little tiny bit of him that still lingers on it.

Your man smells amazing, even when he come home after a full day of working in a construction site you’re madly aroused by the minty, sweet, sweaty essence of him.

You don’t care that he’s covered in dust and rubble, you just throw yourself in his arms and take his mouth that rightfully belongs to you and only you and you feel so lucky and blessed to have him in your life.

You had so much troubles with your love life.

You’ve never been skinny, to begin with.

You always had a discomfort with your appearance, your friends were tiny and cute while you were just standing there being ignored.

You had a very almond mother that didn’t waste a chance to remind you how big you are, how much you need to take diet more seriously and become the skinny person every guy wants to marry.

You suffered from that until you were an adult and you could afford going to therapy.

It helped you a lot.

Embracing your body and shape was a long and difficult process but it was worth it.

You gained so much confidence and learned how to be kind to yourself.

But you still had difficulty with boys, growing up you learned to notice strange guys at first glance, after a series of failures with gym fanatics who wanted to change you, older men who wanted to control you and cowards who kept you hidden as if they were ashamed of you.

And then, one day, you met Joel.

While you were looking at him from the other side of the bar too shamed to do anything he walked towards you.

You immediately thought that he was coming to talk to your skinny friend that was with you but no.

He wanted to spoke to you.

That big strong man, broad chest and shoulders, wavy dark brown hair and eyes like the most delicious chocolate cake introduced himself and asked if you wanted something else to drink and the last thing you know you two were talking about everything for 3 hours straight, totally immersed in each other.

You barely noticed that your friend tap your shoulder to tell you that she was going home.

You mentally took a note to apologize profusely to her the following day but you really didn’t want to leave.

It felt too good to be with Joel, talking to him was so easy and he melted your heart in a way you didn’t experience in a long time.

You really didn’t want to give up on him.

You have so much in common with him and he made you laugh and you felt cute and confident and it really worked like magic.

He made sure to compliment your outfit and your hair and your pretty eyes and he made you feel so good about yourself.

You noticed the way he was smiling and looking so intensely at you, he was hungry and turned on by you.

You couldn’t believe that this handsome man was so into you but couldn’t ask for anything better.

You never really parted ways after that first night together, he was a perfect gentleman, took you home on his truck and he never tried to touch you until the two of you arrived at your door.

He was saying goodnight to you when you heard him whisper “oh fuck it” and he kissed you, no longer holding back. It was a perfect kiss, full of desire and passion and you could feel his need for more through his lips and the way his tongue found its way into your mouth.

You felt vulnerable and weak as if he really saw you, beyond appearances, beyond fences that you have built to defend yourself, in the most hidden part of yourself. And you didn’t mind feeling that way in front of a man, in front of him.

You knew it was right.

You could feel it in your bones.

You wanted to drag him inside the house but you stopped just in time before completely losing control.

“I don’t do this at first date, you know” you whispered in his ear while he was kissing your neck giving you shivers down your spine.

His mouth was eager and insatiable, nipping at your skin like he was starved, but again, he was a real gentleman and didn’t do anything you didn’t wanted.

He was fully respectful of your boundaries and conquered your heart with patience.

At your fifth date you were so thirsty for him that you couldn’t even get to the restaurant.

He knocked at the door dressed in dark blue jeans and a white t-shirt that hugged his biceps and his chest in a way that drove you completely wild, you took his hand without saying a word and run to the bedroom dragging him with you with no shame whatsoever.

You didn’t care about manners, dinner that was booked the week before, whatever else that could delay that moment.

You just wanted him.

You felt safe with him and this made you even more horny.

He fucked you wildly and then cuddled with you in the sweetest way ever.

Your heart was full, your body soothed and your thirst quenched.

You moved in together after 6 months of the most fulfilling relationship you had ever had.

Joel has his flaws, he is stubborn, when he is angry he can barely speak and mutters under his breath, he doesn't know how to cook, he's messy and leaves his dirty socks on the carpet in the living room, sometimes he's way too protective and it drives you crazy the way he always tries to warn you off from everyone as if you're not used to assholes.

Minor things compared to how he makes you feel anyway.

When he loves, he loves deeply.

He showers you with compliments and nice gestures, he’s a grumpy with a heart of gold.

And he’s handsome. So handsome you can’t believe that he’s your man even if he makes sure to tell you how beautiful, smart and sexy you are everyday.

You yawn and finally decide to get up, you head to the kitchen and make yourself a coffee.

It’s Saturday and Joel is supposed to come home in a few hours.

After breakfast you do some chores and cleaning around the house.

You go to the supermarket to buy ingredients to make his favorite dinner.

And then you decide to take the afternoon to yourself, you take a long bath and relax in the tub listening to music lulled by the hot water and the scent of bubble bath.

Once out, you decide to wear the dress you wore on your first date with Joel.

You remember perfectly how he looked at you and you feel a shiver down your spine. You haven't worn it for a while and as soon as you put it on you discover that it is too tight on your breasts and hips. You know you've gained a few pounds since you've been with him, you're relaxed, you're happy, you don't care, but you really wanted to give him a perfect evening and this makes you nervous. You look in the mirror and fall back into all the negative thoughts about yourself. It's a fragile balance.

You're still navigating the middle of it, even though you're much better.

You take off the dress and put it back in the closet, hidden, where you can barely see it, hoping bad mood will pass even though you know it has completely ruined your day.

You start cooking, leaving the decision on what to wear until later.

You like cooking and have always been successful at it, your grandma shared all her recipes with you and teached you all her secrets.

Your mother just told you the calories in everything you cooked.

When everything is ready you go to get dressed, you stare at your clothes for what seems like an infinite amount of time, sighing. In the end you choose another dress, black, narrower at the waist and wider at the hips. It leaves your legs uncovered, it's not like the other one but it still suits you so you make the best of it.

You’re spraying yourself with your favorite perfume when you hear the keys turning in the lock and you instinctively run to the door.

As soon as he opens the door you don't even give him time to enter and you throw your arms around his neck.

“Hi sweetheart” he whispers in your ear as he wraps his arms around your waist, holding you tight against his chest “did you miss me?”

You can hear a little laugh in his voice as you reply “of course, I couldn't wait for you to come back”

You take his lips with urgency and just feeling his scruff brushing gently against your cheeks and your cupid bow makes you feel better.

He tastes sweet, he’s warm and familiar.

He never fails to make you whole.

When you're with him it feels like the world is turning right, like things are all falling into place, magically.

One look is enough for him to understand you.

His tongue makes room into your mouth so easily and intertwined with yours and you’re lost in his embrace.

When you finally part to take breath he’s grinning and watching at you with burning desire in his eyes.

“I missed you too. Let me see you, sweetie. I want to admire my beautiful babe in this dress”

You instantly feel better and do a pirouette laughing to make him look at you.

“Jesus, hun, it’s really amazing on you”

You walk up to him and give him a kiss on the hairless part of his beard, then take his lips again.

You moan into his mouth when his hands move to your ass, stroking it gently then squeezing it.

“I love your ass babe, so full and juicy and soft”

You whine at his praise, kissing his jawline and his neck.

You rest your face on his chest enjoying his warmth.

“It's amazing how you always make me feel better. I felt like crap a few hours ago." you murmur.

“Why, love, what happened?” you can clearly hear concern in his voice.

“I wanted to wear the dress I wore the first time we went out…but it's too tight now” you whisper, a little bit ashamed.

He cups your face with his hands, looking at you with sweetness.

An incredible sweetness that instantly melt your heart.

“Don’t be sad babe, a dress is just a dress, it doesn’t fit you anymore? Who cares. You’re the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen and I’m so lucky to have you”

You want to cry, but you don't, instead you take his lips back into yours, grateful to have a man like that by your side.

No one has ever made you feel more loved than him.

You kiss him intensely, so much that you're almost breathless, but it doesn't matter.

You feel his erection pressing against your thigh and you can't wait any longer, you even forget about dinner already being prepared and he doesn't seem worried either.

“Can we go to our bedroom already? I need you so bad, Joel” you pant against his skin.

“Whatever my love wants” and he take you by the hand “I definitely need to remind you how much I love you and how incredibly sexy and lovely you are. Come with me”

He takes you to your bedroom without stopping to hold your hand and makes you sit on the edge of the bed.

He looks you in the eyes as he caresses your cheek with his knuckles. It's incredible how delicate his big hands can be.

He trace the outline of your jaw with his fingertips never stop looking at you.

He then moves to your neck, placing his hand right under your ear, his fingers hidden in your hair.

He leans down to kiss your nose and your lips, so softly.

“Babe, you’re the most precious thing I have in my life, I don’t know what I would do without you”.

His voice is low, slightly hoarse, it surrounds you like a hug, it goes straight to your heart, every little intonation that characterizes it, how it glides over the vowels and caresses the consonants, his breathing, that warmth that emanates, that sense of familiarity and comfort, his sensitivity and his inner strength and his fragility that he is not afraid to show.

He lowers the straps of your dress and makes you stand up just for a moment to let it fall at your feet, sliding it over your hips.

He makes you lie down on the bed, while he also undresses, remaining in his boxers. He climbs onto the bed and lies down next to you.

“Never forget how gorgeous you are, please”

His hand slides over your breast, still covered by your bra, he searches for your nipple and takes it between his fingers, pinching and pulling it gently.

“I love your tits, so big and perfectly shaped” and he kisses you there. “I love your pretty face, and your smile and your sparkling eyes and your luscious lips.” Each word is followed by a kiss on the body part he just mentioned “And your silky hair. And this freckle right here. Above your upper lip. I would do nothing but kiss it all the time. I love the smell of your skin and your taste, so sweet.”

You can't believe he's doing this, he's literally worshipping every part of you.

“I love your incredibly sexy hips and thighs."

His lips move over you like velvet, like butterflies flapping their wings on your skin, so impalpable and yet so real.

“I love every inch of your body, especially those that seem too much to you. And of course I love your intelligence and how you laugh at my stupid jokes that never make anyone laugh. I love that you’re funny and sarcastic. I love the little wrinkle that comes between your eyebrows when you concentrate. I love the way you squint when I say something about my work that you don’t know. I love the way you look at me, I love hugging you and feeling your breathtaking body on mine.”

Joel isn't one for many words, he generally prefers action but now he's a river in flood and looks at you haunted.

It's an incredible feeling to have him all to yourself, to have the certainty of being able to trust him blindly, without the fear that he will turn out to be like everyone else you've been with.

No one has ever treated you this way before, with devotion, as if your body were a priceless treasure.

You yourself were mean to this body, you hated it, you tried to change it, you cursed it and cried because it didn't look like anyone else's when the only thing you wanted was to be like one of your friends.

Thin. Impeccable. Someone who fits any dress and who has never heard "we don't have your size". One who wasn't laughed at, treated like a joke, one who everyone looked up to, one whose face people didn't throw pies at and call a whale or a monster.

Joel knows all this. You told him. And everything he's ever tried to do is exactly the opposite of what they've always done to you.

An ode of love to you, to your body, to your soul.

He moves between your knees, settling at the end of the bed.

He leaves a trail of kisses along your inner thighs moving up and up towards your pussy, his beard deliciously rough on your skin.

He smiles at your already wet panties, at the unmistakable stain that spreads across the front.

You wore a cute white lacy pair with matching bra that he bought to you last Christmas.

You sigh in anticipation as he takes the time to stroke and tease your clit through the fabric with just one finger.

He then slides his fingers into the sides of your panties, he makes your hips rise slightly and takes them off, smiling at you.

You gasp as he buries his face between your legs kissing your folds so softly, he stick his tongue out and lick your lips and then part them with two fingers and kiss your clit.

You moan loudly and feel his smile widening on your skin, he’s so good at this and he knows that you love the way he does it.

He takes your clit in his mouth and suck gently.

“You’re so wet babe” and he kiss your lips again “so good for me, the perfect woman”

He teases your hole with his tongue, just the tip, while his thumb circle around your clit.

Nice and slow, a steady pace that makes you whimper against his face.

You grab his hair pushing him even more against your pussy, whining in pleasure.

You feel his beard crawling across your skin, you know it will redden your skin but you don't care, you don't care about anything now.

He continues to lick you, up and down and then back to your clit, his large hand splayed on your tummy.

You've always been ashamed of your tummy.

He adores it. He always tells you, he likes to touch it and he likes to kiss it and he loves that it’s so soft and fluffy.

He groans as you tug his hair and increases the pace, making his way into your hole with two of his thick fingers, stretching you and searching for the spongy spot that always makes you feel on fire.

You raise your head slightly to look at him and see his eyes staring at you mischievously and proudly, he likes looking at you, he doesn't want to miss a second of your pleasure.

He’s again on your clit with his mouth, swirling around it with his tongue.

He pumps his fingers in and out of you, you whine again and again more and more loudly.

He doesn’t stop.

“Joel I-” your voice cracks in an attempt to say something “God, I just can’t”

“Yes, you can, babe, just come for me, I want to feel it. Come all over my face”

you whine, squeeze his head between your thighs, your hand tucked in his hair “Joel!”

You feel a heat radiating inside you, your orgasm building as he gives you no respite.

“Come on baby, give it to me” he whispers softly on your skin.

And you do. You explode at his praise, at his begging for you to give him what he wants.

You pant loudly as he doesn't stop licking you until you calm down.

He comes back next to you and kisses you. You taste yourself on his lips, on his tongue, you're all over his face and it drives you crazy.

“Fuck me Joel. Fuck me now, please” your voice comes out almost desperate.

He looks at you, nodding without saying anything else, takes off his boxers and climbs on top of you, making you spread your legs to make room for himself. He takes his cock in his hand and rubs it on your clit. Once, twice, three times, wetting it with your pleasure that slid down to your inner thighs.

“You want my cock, babe?”

You nod repeatedly looking at him with beg in your eyes.

“Tell me how much you want it”

“I want it, Joel. I want it so bad. Please”

He enters you effortlessly, even though he's big, much bigger than any man you've ever had.

“Always so tight for me, God, you’re so amazing”

He wraps his arms around your torso and pulls you up to sit on top of him, he’s sitting on his heels, his cock still inside you.

He kisses you deeply, his tongue licks hungrily into your mouth, he holds you tight against his chest, you moan into his lips feeling you totally enveloped by him, your arms around his neck, ruffling his hair, your thighs around his waist.

His cock burns in your center, he moves his hips to sink into you, deep.

You feel like you're one, you're totally drunk on him and it's an overwhelming thrill.

He fucks you like this, holding you close to him, each thrust harder and harder, your face hidden in the crook of his neck.

You fill your nostrils with his scent, his masculine unmistakable scent, the one you were missing this morning.

The scent that smells of home and comfort and caresses and the purest love you've ever felt.

It’s here now.

And it’s yours.

You end up hugging each other on the bed, tired but incredibly happy. You are still held in his arms as he whispers “I love you” into your hair.

You look up and look him in the eyes and you know it's true.

"I love you too.”

#fanfic #joel miller #pedro pascal #joel the last of us #joel tlou #the last of us #one shot #soft joel miller #Joel miller x curvy reader #joel miller x original character #joel miller fanfiction #joel x reader

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waltzingwithyourenemyattheball · 1 year ago

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PICK A CARD: MESSAGES FROM MAHADEVI (CREATOR OF THE UNIVERSE)

Top Left: 111 ; Top Right: 222; Bottom: 333

Disclaimer:

This is a general reading take what resonates and leave the rest

No one is allowed to copy my work under any circumstances

DM for a personal tarot reading

All personal readings are paid.

HAPPY RADHA ASTHAMI 🤍♥️🤍

🌸111🌸

Be grateful for all that you have. Be grateful for all that you have been blessed with. You may think you lack, but the truth says otherwise. You have the warmth of the sun, coolness of the moon, you have water to drink, you have food to eat, you can walk among beautiful scenery. You have all that you need, so don’t look for more. If you have a guitar, play a song instead of dreaming about building a boat. You have all that you need and more. Be creative, once you start focusing on what all you do have, you’ll feel much richer. I am hearing you should spend time with your mother, help her in her work, be sweet not rude, it will go against you. Walking in nature barefoot will bring you tremendous results, especially if you are having troubles with rahu or shani. If you are taking sone sort of therapy /any healing sessions it will be successful, in 3 months you’ll notice a difference. Give service to cows and animals in general, this good karma will bring you recognition and even fame for some of you. Some of you need to cut your hair, even just a little bit to let go of the energy. Others need to start sadhana and grow their hair out. REGARDLESS take good care of your hair, it’s important. Keep it braided if you need to conserve energy. Wear more orange and red, and don’t let a day go by without writing how you felt today, why you felt that way, and end it with a gratitude list. Not just you, I am seeing your entire family successful, if you have been considering a family business or have one, this is a good sign. Comment ‘Mahadevi’ to Claim! 🌙 DM TO BOOK A TAROT READING 🌙 🌻 Thank you for letting me read for you 🌻

🌑222🌑

Okay so listen, you know you have a choice, you have the choice to speak up your idea in the meeting, you have the choice to say ‘No’. You always have a choice. You are not tied down by chains, you are not tied down at all except by your mind. No cages exist outside your mind. It is your greatest friend and has the ability to be your greatest enemy too. How do you want it to serve you? That’s again a choice. Make the right one. Choose freedom. Choose expression. Don’t let others walk over you, tell them you have plans and you can’t help them today, its okay. HAVE THE COURAGE TO ASK FOR WHAT YOU WANT. If you never ask, you’ll never know. You think you don’t have much to offer so you become the person who doesn’t need anything, and that not doing anyone any good. DEMAND YOUR RIGHTS. Ask for what you want. You want your partner to come watch you play violin? ask him, have the courage. You are a lion then why do you pretend to be a sheep. You could be born in the year of the horse as well. Some of you are lion yoni. Behave like yourself, the more you astray, the more depressed you feel. You want adrenaline, and you are scared of the same. Trust me, if you let loose you won’t run wild and return home safe. You are somewhat terrified of what could happen if you let yourself be, since you’ve never been, you can’t comprehend and with the fear of uncertainty, so you are always on edge, to say what you actually want to but never do and they are out the door. Other have a pre-conceived notion of you that you want to keep, honey its not healthy you have to let that go before it swallows you complete. Your fire has been watered down, its time to bring it back. Comment ‘Mahadevi’ to Claim! 🌙 DM TO BOOK A TAROT READING 🌙

🥀333🥀 If you have been seeing a humming bird, or after reading this if you see one, don’t be surprised. They are a sign that you are taking everything too seriously, even things that shouldn’t be taken that way, you have forgotten to stop and smell the roses. It seems like you are someone who has a responsibilities on their shoulders, and you just can’t seem to relax. Between all things mundane, you have forgotten to keep track of your soul’s purpose. Many of you don’t know why you are here. You world is limited to the material realm. You are being told to take time out for honoring your soul’s purpose. One of them is ‘Joy’. You are not here to be in a low or neutral emotional state, you are hear to feel joy and spread joy. It could come from any number of things, from just taking a day off or making time for your hobbies or laughing your ass off. You are here to be curious and be filled with wonder and awe. All these responsibilities are making you anxious, you can’t sleep, you can’t eat, and all you do is think all the time, about business and about family and that’s all your life is, you aren’t even in there. I am not saying you shouldn’t focus here, you should these are key areas of life but take a step back, take some time for yourself. HEVAY BURN OUT ENERGY. This isn’t even burn out, you are toasted and done, most of this is coming from the fact that most of your day you do things put of compulsion, you don’t want to do them, but you do. Figure out how to honor your soul’s purpose, and find joy in things or simply do what brings you joy. There is work that need to be done within the family dynamic as well. One step at a time and step starts with you. Comment ‘Mahadevi’ to claim! 🌙DM to find your Soul’s Mission🌙

- EL TAROT

#pick a picture #pick a pile #pick an image #pac reading #pick a card reading #pick a photo #pac tarot #free tarot #pick a card #ask response #channeled reading #channeled message #kaali #padma lakshmi #mahadevi #hindu #krishna

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fanofthelamb · 6 months ago

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I wanted to draw Narinder with longer hair but it devolved.

So how about a little bit of rambling, then? A lot of this is just canon divergent stuff I think? So if you're not into that, this isn't for you.

HUGE CW: lots of sensitive topics such as slavery, family death, cannibalism, etc. Please read at your own risk and take care of yourself.

Narinder found Leshy and the two traveled together around the Valley together. Eventually they ran into Heket who joined them.

A few key points (not in chronological order):

Narinder has been travelling alone since he was a child, after having to kill his mother.

Narinder is the first to have extra eyes, having had them since he was a child due to being blessed by the at-the-time God of Death. He used his hair to hide this third eye, fearing that it would make him stick out as a beast to either be killed or exploited.

Leshy calls Heket and Narinder his siblings but also does consider them to be parental figures to him, since they both helped raise him after his family was eaten.

Heket was originally a slave who was made to fight. She obtained the talisman she wore from the Fox, after luring her owner to him to be eaten.

Narinder saved Leshy from being eaten alongside his family, and since then Leshy has always clung to Narinder for guidance and protection. Narinder taught Leshy everything he knew about living life as a mortal. (Shamura taught them everything they knew about life as a god.)

Heket is not from the Valley, but Narinder and Leshy are.

VERY messy sloppy unfinished map below v v v

The Valley is considered a pretty dangerous place, filled with cannibals and slavers. It's left a mark on the three of them.

Narinder and Leshy will occasionally stick their faces in other's when meeting them; they WILL not pull away until the other backs down. To them, it's just social etiquette they learned from cannibals.

The three of them often won't eat meat they haven't personally hunted themselves, unless it's from the Lamb. It was a general rule from the Valley that if you didn't personally see the meat come from an animal, it more than likely came from a person.

Heket and Leshy both feel the need to do a head count and make sure all 3 of them are still around. They won't admit it most of the time, but they still find themselves a little fucked up from Narinder being snatched by slavers.

Narinder is obsessed with collecting wood because of his mother, and cannot for the life of him mine stone because of his time in chains before the crown. The sight of a pickaxe makes him as sick as the sound of chains does. (a lot.) The lamb takes Narinder's fear of mines seriously, but only knows bits and pieces about what happened. Nogrejul knows about the trigger but not why. They enjoy tormenting him with it and it's specifically why they requested to be a miner.

(Unrelated to the valley but still notable)Heket and Leshy are the only ones allowed to skip out on fight pit rituals; the lamb is fully aware of Heket's past and allows Leshy to keep her company. (They are maybe a little softer than they'd like to admit. They will murder anyone who brings this up to them.)

Leshy loves to burrow since it was how he "safely" travelled on his own in the valley(you're never fully safe in the valley), but thanks to the long history of constant construction on cult grounds, there's often different dangers, such as old nails, in the ground. Leshy is often injured while burrowing because of this and spends way more time in the med bay than he'll admit.

Leshy loves to cook, but too many meat dishes at once sends him into a panic, because of this, Leshy often has a partner he cooks with that'll cook the meat dishes after he's done with the others so he doesn't have to smell it.

#RAGHHHHH just trying to sort things out for now #its 4 am almost 5 i can barely read this shit #but its stuff i want to throw down for now in a post.#rue i know you're gonna read these tags i promise i laid down after this i swear ok i slept pookie please dont kill me <3 #b4tg

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kneelingshadowsalome · 1 year ago

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Girl thank you so so so so so much for writing yandere!Konig because LEMME TELL YOU I did not know I needed him until I stumbled upon your blog. Reading Just Friends was like a breath of fresh air, your characterization of Konig's character was AMAZING. Seriously, I think you've ruined all other Konig pics for me lol! I loved how unhinged and scary he was but also how caring and kind he was towards Engel <3

BTW have two questions regarding Konig in Just Friends!

1. How old is he in this fic? (apologies if you already mentioned this in the fic I have a terrible memory)

2. At what point in his and Engel's relationship would he finally allow her to look at him without his hood on? What kind of experience would that be for both of them? Also, what do you imagine him to look like? (sorry I'm now realizing this is more than 2 questions)

By the way, I just read Man-Sized and wow that was a phenomenal fic, I gotta say I love love love your interpretation of Ghost's character. I feel like Ghost is a tough character to write but you really nailed him!

Thanks in advance! (I'm gonna go binge the rest of your awesome fics hehe)

Thank you so much sweetie!! You shower me with compliments and I've read your message so many times, it always puts a smile on my face 💕 As for your questions:

1. Considering that this is an AU where König is not a colonel, and because some of his mannerisms are a bit boyish, I’d say König is somewhere around 27–32 in this fic...?

2. Removing the hood completely, even in Engel's presence, is super challenging for König because the mask is not only a comfort object, it's his shield against the world. He can't bear anyone to look at him and what's been done to him, he actually thinks himself a monster (a thought planted in his mind by his father).

I'm actually getting slasher vibes from Just Friends König's relationship with his mask; I don't know if you're familiar with the lore on Michael Myers (Halloween) or Jason Voorhees (Friday the 13th), but the mask means everything to all of them and so it does to König. It transforms him into a hero, a soldier, an operator, a functioning human being. Without it he's reduced to scarred, vulnerable, weak man.

So... it will take time before he would take it off and even more time for him to be comfortable with hanging around without it (if that's even possible). But Engel has learned to love his scars, so I'm sure König will eventually lower down that shield when they're alone ❤️

I’d imagine the first times happen when they’re cuddling and Engel lifts the mask to kiss him. Days and weeks pass, more cuddling ensues, and König lets the cloth stay up longer and longer when he sees she’s not repulsed. Engel kisses his scars, caresses his face, tells him that he’s handsome and that she loves him – it doesn’t transform König from an abused, bullied, broken man to someone cheerful and outgoing, but it allows him to at least ease into the fact that there’s someone in this world who doesn’t fear or hate him. He's been blessed with a woman who doesn't think he's a monster, so he is even more convinced that Engel is a heavenly being because how else would she be able to touch and love him like this...?

(3.) I actually shared some pics earlier on what I imagine König looking like, but I'm having second thoughts about it which is why I don't want to share a link to that ask. It may sound odd but it's always been really hard for me to imagine what's under that hood! People seem to have so many different headcanons on what he looks like, I think it's really cool. I have nothing, I wish I had something 🥲 His face has always been just blurred, sensored void to me, the only thing I imagine is that König has dark blonde/light brown hair (he might prefer a short military cut because he's a freak for all things army) and that he has thin lips?

And she even tells him she likes it when he’s without the hood, tells that she likes to see his face and wants to just watch him and kiss him. König will eventually lose the hood more often when he’s with her. It's not for his sake, but hers. If Engel wants to see him, who is he to deny her? It makes his heart and chest tight, but he’ll just have to live with it. Besides, Engel’s lips and touch feel better than being inside that baggy darkness all the time.

#answered #yandere könig #just friends fic

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greenerteacups · 3 months ago

Note

How I love "controversial" scenes (It's not, actually, I think we're just too obsessed). Here's my two cents: Harry tells Draco to back off because for a moment he entertains the idea that everything can be resolved without hurting anyone, bless him (Draco=not interested=not sad). But I don’t think he actually believes it either, so much that he starts the conversation with: “I reckon there might be — stuff going on. Maybe. Between you two.” And when he hears Draco’s admission he doesn’t seem surprised.

It's clean that Harry is annoyed with everyone: "but I’ve got to kick someone’s arse, so" and he can't take it out on Hermione (because she's a girl?); he certainly can’t take it out on Ron (because, well, it’s Ron and because Harry is starting to think that maybe he's the one who's going to have it the worst); but he can do it with Draco! (Because he is a prat and because, precisely, he is in an advantageus situation with Hermione compared to Ron = he propably won't come out of it so sad?).

"Someone has to think about Ron" Harry is just saying "I know you and Hermione are each other person (romantically involved or not) but Ron is important too! (especially to me) so don't be cruel because I have his back”

Also "Suppose that I was. Interested." Brave little brat: "What if I am? Will you be disappointed by me? Or will you make me fell recognized? loved?"

For me, this whole discussion almost seems like a blessing from Harry in the end.

As well as showing all the uncertainties Draco has about his friendship with Harry, which are always unfounded in the end.

OK now I fell guilty for this unsolicited analysis, feel free to ignone it (and please ignore my English, I swear I read better than I write).

As always thanks for everything GT <3

Don't feel guilty at all! I eat it up. Seriously, I'm dressing this up with croutons and a side of french fries.

Harry's mounting and un-addressed feelings of resentment towards the world writ large are one of my favorite threads in Book 5.

#greenteacup asks #lionheart spoilers #prognosticating

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silent-wolf · 1 year ago

Text

ranking the batfamily on whether i would be friends with them irl 😁: (ps this is all just a jokey joke so pls dont take this seriously 😇)

7. damian

guys im sorry

love the little demon but he would probably kill me for making ur mom jokes

hes got spunk if u consider it being mildly homicidal thoughts at every constant minute

probably the friend i would not consider going for lunch with cuz he’ll give me a dirty look for eating like a pig

he would be a good tutor tho, my saving grace in calculus

but he would make me cry by the end of that session cuz i cant divide to save my life 💔 6. jason

he’s a fucking theatre kid

AND an english nerd, like pick a struggle man 😭

it might be residual high school eng trauma but i cant be friends with someone who genuinely likes english

honestly tho, i wouldn't mind hanging out with him outside of school

i just dont know what we would have in common to talk abt

gym classes with him has to be fun tho

he would probably kick my ass at every game, but thats besides the point 5. cass

shes scary asf, but shes hot so its okay

i would probably have a hallway crush on her

shes probably in the friend grp, but has other friends shes closer with

rlly fucking good at pe and doesnt hesitate to show off

probably skips a bunch of classes but no one says anything

would probably hang out more as a grp than one on one

the only person i would consider giving my house keys to 4. dick

the sweetest guy in the grp

i would assume he was just a nice guy at first but he is just rlly genuine

would be the subject of ridicule because of his god awful fashion sense

is a senior but hides in the junior classes cuz girls always chase him around asking for his number

is the mom of the friend grp and always carries around protein bars, tissues, and basic first aid

always does wellness checks and picks up on the first ring if u need anything. bless him <3

my emergency contact 3. duke

would be one of my closer friends

the perfect balance of obliviously unaware and stupidly concerned

i would ask him for hw answers only for him to text back with a question mark

he was the sacrificial lamb who was made to sit in the first row in class

ends up falling asleep and gets detention 😔 if anyone asks tho, its because he did smthin super scandalous and totally not school appropriate��👍

we became chem lab partners, but fucked up freshman level titrations so many times, that the teacher kicked us out

has the best packed lunches (thank u alfred)

i steal his lunch and he ends up eating shitty cafeteria food 👍 2. steph

MY LITERAL 4LYFER 🤞

her fashion sense>>. but dont be fooled, most days she throws on a ragged hoodie that way too soft to be legal

has a billionare on her side, but still steals MY mcdonalds fries

always carries around extra hair ties

comes over so often that there is a steph size dent on my bed, where she would flop down

has the prettiest notes which are a life saver for last minute cramming

the friend you would go to experiment different makeup styles on

my partner in crime for any tom-foolery

would make me snort during class which sends us to detention

tim

i would fucking hate him at first glance

but somehow we would bond through our shared trauma of high school calculus

the type of friendship where u would go on spontaneous road trips a week before finals, only to end up stranded in a random petrol bunk

a responsible adult (read: alfred) would then come to pick us up after we call them in literal tears

a weekly tradition of trying the most grotesque slushy concoctions

cannot for the life of him memorise shakespeare, but can recite word for word every iconic vine in existence

would tutor me in chemistry, only to end up in tears at my incompetence 😭

extremely introverted but suddenly becomes the loudest person ever when it comes to embarrassing someone

#there is just something abt batkids and school that can be so personal #jason todd #dick grayson #cassandra cain #damian wayne #duke thomas #tim drake #stephanie brown #black bat #batman #robin #red robin #batfam

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the-teddy-bear-butch · 7 months ago

Note

Hi how are you? Ask game time!

16, 47, 65 & 93?

Hi anon!! I’m doing wonderfully rn! God bless the end of finals and the upcoming summer break. How are you? (Should you feel comfortable enough to reply, of course! I don’t bite :3) Thank you for giving me a chance to ramble :3 um. 16 got long so it’s at the bottom 🥰

47: how well-decorated is your bedroom?

That depends! If you mean well decorated as in how much decoration, yes, lots! Well as in nice/aesthetic um? I like it, but I know my maximalist style can be a Lot for some people LMAO. I have posters and D&D art everywhere, a rainbow carpet, Christmas lights strung through my bookshelf, knick knacks everywhere, etc.

65: do you have a Signature Outfit™?

Oh yes absolutely. Or at least a signature formula: graphic t-shirt under matching button up, jeans or shorts, maybe a cap or beanie. Here’s my favorite button up and jeans just for sillies :3

93: favorite game?

In an every context possible way (board game vs video game vs ttrpg), D&D, hands fucking down. But in terms of video games, I adore the Mass Effect series. No other video game series has made me cry quite so much. Baldur’s Gate 3 is a close second, though I am still in Act 3.

16: is there anyone you're not biologically related to that you consider "family"?

ABSOLUTELY. In fact, why don’t I tag those of them that exist here as an excuse to be a huge fucking sap about it and so you all can go follow them. (Uh. This gets long, so adding a read more thing. I get sappy after 10 pm oopsies)

While I am no longer in the fandom that brought us all together (nor are most of them), I do have to thank that fandom for being what put us all in one place. One beta reading comment left on a fic inspired me to finally pick up D&D again after years of failed campaigns—and we’ve been going strong near a year and a half now. This D&D group is fucking everything to me. These people have been with my through the lowest points of my life and I owe everything to them. Not only are they all talented in art, writing, poetry, and the many things they do, but they are all absolutely incredible people and the best friends I ever could have asked for. One little comment genuinely changed my life.

@daughterofdrearburh is one of the coolest people in the world. She’s smart as a whip, hilarious as fuck, and one of the kindest hearts I’ve ever met. If you get the chance, you should bug her about her novel (I am the number one Starblossom fan) and about her horse, Ginger, who she has made incredible strides with. I admire her a lot. Also about her homebrew/framkensteined together TTRPG she’s running, because it’s a fucking blast!!

@ninthhousesteel was actually the first of the gang that I was mutuals with!! She’s also incredibly funny (probably the most hilarious person I know, seriously they pop out of fucking nowhere with one liners that’ll leave you in stitches). She’s so fucking smart and doing incredible things in engineering (I may not understand it, but I know they’re going to do great things), as well as being a great artist and wonderful writer. Also? Incredible taste in music, frankly. Another thing to bug them about!

@haaawaiianshirt is like. I don’t even know where to start. The best personality ever. She’s funny, outgoing, unbelievably sweet, with just the right amount of bite! She’s like summertime personified, just warm and the best to be around. You can’t help but smile. Add onto that the most delicious art style and an incredible talent for so many different crafts (ask her about crochet beast!!). They’re going to be famous one day for being behind the set design of all your favorite theme parks and theme park rides.

@candle-lion is so COOL. I genuinely look up to her so so so much. Again with the super funny (literally can’t breathe with this group, you will be in stitches). One of the most talented writers I’ve ever had the pleasure of reading, an incredible DM, master at roleplay and making characters you can’t help but fall in love with, as a player or a DM. I admire everything she does in teaching—she is exactly the kind of teacher that our world is in desperate need of. She’s going to change lives, I just know it.

@lavenderlevetan where Emmie is summertime, Eve is autumn. She’s so unbelievably chill, a breath of fresh air to be around, a warm mug of tea of a person, if you catch my drift. She’s so sweet and so smart and sooo wonderful to hang out with, with possibly the most lovely laugh ever. Her writing is immaculate, and god I just LOVE the way she builds characters. You can’t help but be sucked into their inner workings. And yet another incredible artist!!

@suwunnysideup the master storyteller. I have never met someone with such a skill for weaving together stories and characters in such a beautiful web that you can’t help but be starstruck. Seriously, the world building is insane and so in depth, you can see how much they really care. They’re a fucking riot and my best fucking friend. Once again, another insanely talented artist, I need to shake their art like a chew toy. Ask them about carpe diem :3

And last but not least, while not an active PC in our main campaign, the group would not be complete without @avocadosockz . Our resident meme maker, comedian, character arc instigator, beloved guest star NPC, and best audience in the world—while also joining our side campaign as the funniest possible character choice in the world (ask her about Sadie!). Another amazingly supportive person who I appreciate with all of my heart, I love bouncing evil ideas off of her in DMs to enact upon the rest of the party. Excited for our next little scheme >:3

That’s the D&D group covered but I’m not done, if you would believe it. I will take every single chance to be a complete sap about my friends.

More people I met through fandom! I haven’t talked to them as much in recent months, which I’m terribly guilty about, they are all incredible people. @lionydoorin is a wonderful artist and a super sweet person, someone you can always rely on. They’re going to med school and I know they’re going to be fucking amazing in their field. @idyllghost is another rad artist and one of my first really good friends here in Tumblr! He’s so sweet, so funny, and so good at poetry and writing too. An artistic genius in so many ways.

@whiteredrose13 is possibly my oldest internet friend. I think we’re going on?? 5+ years now? Which isn’t much compared to some of y’all, but it’s a lot to me. Rose is one of the kindest, most supportive people in the entire world. She’s so unbelievably patient, listening to me ramble on and on about my D&D campaign and my unfinished writings. Speaking of, because I’m literally surrounded by talent, they are yet another insanely wonderful artist AND writer, with an incredible world and the most lovable OCs ever. Gabe and Ana and their entire family will always live rent free in my brain 🫶

And a special shout-out to the one irl friend who has stuck by me through everything 🫶 Elaina is so kind, so funny, so fucking smart, the best taste in music, one of my favorite people to talk for hours with. I wish we hung out more :,) (Side note, Em I’m realizing the two of you are like two sides of the same coin and would get along so we’ll probably)

If I forgot anyone, know that you are loved in equal measure, I am simply sleepy and functioning on post finals brain fry 🫶

#god #um dont ask me to talk about non blood family after 10 pm #you will activate the sappiest part of my heart and get word vomited at #hey guys I love you so much #you make my life so so so much better #you have changed my life for the better #you’ve probably saved it too #you should go follow all of these people they’re so cool #I should go to sleep now #I literally teared up writing this #idk how to emphasize just how dear you all are to me #in any case uh #hi anon #thank you for the asks :3 #and letting me be a big fucking sap :3 #ask game

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radioiaci · 8 months ago

Text

Wanted to answer all the nice things I was given in one post, so find them under the read-more cuz it's long. <3

@radiiosugars ⧐ you are a wonderful writer and i enjoy seeing your portrayal! I smile when you're on my dash <3 the little details you include with his perspective really do paint a picture! (and i hope your day gets better! )

WEH THANK YOU SO MUCH SALT, you're a blessing and I wholeheartedly appreciate whenever you spam me on Discord with SILLIES even though I don't always have the capacity to respond right away fjkdjgjdg I LOVE YOUR PORTRAYAL AND YOUR ART TOO and thank you for the kindness 😭

@copaceticjillybean ⧐ You are…soooo good at stuff! Your Alastor portrayal, your art, it’s all just really really cool! I’m always so excited, when I see you post your animatics, or a new drawing, or a reply, because I know it’s gonna brighten up my day a bit! ; I know you’re having a hard time today, but I just wanted you to know that I think you’re really neat and good at what you do. ^w^ ; Oh, and I almost forgot- you’re also just FUN. Like, your ooc posts are just cute and funny, and I like seeing you pop on and tell us what you’re thinking. You’re easy to talk to, and that means a lot, especially for someone like me who can get nervous talking with people >u<;

AAAA THANK YOU, I really do try to be as approachable as possible given the type of person that I am, so I really don't want anyone to feel like they CAN'T talk to me. sometimes the RPC can feel really limited and exclusive and I like to change that in whatever way I can. you are always very kind and fun to write with as well AND I CAN'T WAIT to see what sort of sillies Alastor and Jillian can get up to

@helluvaflames ⧐ I love the way you write Alastor and I'm still loving writing Fizzarolli and him in these scenes. You write Alastor so well and its been so fun to get to know him through our threads!

YES THANK YOU YOU GET ME, I love writin' with your lil Fizzy too! I'm also excited for Alastor and Angel's "date" LOL I'm sure there will be RIDICULOUSNESS there, just knowing how they generally interact. Thank you for putting up with me and my silly deer boy!!

@tinyfieryghost ⧐ YOUR ART IS SIMPLY INCREDIBLE. I love how you draw Alastor and writing with you is always a pleasure! I also love how you write Alastor! Silly guy who can and will murder and maim!!! Also you're great to talk to in general!

LISTEN YOU, YOUR ART IS ALSO PHENOMENAL and I didn't think I genuinely would get as invested into Alastor/Ghost's relationship but him in my brain was just like? ? ? ? "this one is mine? ? ?? actually???" so I MEAN IT JUST HAPPENED THAT WAY and I'm not mad about it. I'M EXCITED for Al's encounter with Reaper fr fr and I love writing with you!!!

@visage-of-hell ⧐ *violently kicks in the door* DID SOMEONE SAY POSITIVITY???? ; Bitch, you're one of the most TALENTED fuckers I know on this site. Amazing writing style? Check. Brilliant character portrayal? Check. AND knock-your-socks-off gorgeous artistic skills to boot???? Dude, you are a triple threat of sheer creative genius--don't you DARE be doubting that for even a second!

WUH HUH BUH LISTEN you are ALSO very talented and I VERY MUCH love writing with Al and Vis together because they're a real ENEMY TO LOVER ARC MAYBE? AND I KNOW IT'S SLOW MOVING BECAUSE ALASTOR IS STUPID but I LOVE IT ALSO??? Thank you my friend, I love to talk with you too and share funny sillies and fawn over them being so STUPID

@damnedrainbows ⧐ //you’re one of my favorite alastors and truthfully I admired from the sidelines for a while because I felt inadequate hehehehe I can!t wait to interact with our muses more and see where it go for him and lucifer ; also forgot to tack on, amazing artist ; like seriously I link my friends your art all the time on discord lol

WHAT???? ONE OF UR FAVS???? STOPPIT. That always means a ton to me, especially because I know how many TALENTED and wonderful writers there are playing Alastor out there so that RLY MAKES ME FEEL GOOD AND VALUED and YOUR writing is also fantastic! Al/Lucifer's first thread is so weirdly deep after starting off as like almost a meme and I'm LIVING for it LOL. AND I'M GLAD YOU LIKE MY ART LMAO maybe some day I'll draw something like actual serious for people to share jgdljgd but I enjoy drawing shitpost Al too much BUT THANK YOU this means a lot.

@lilitophidian ⧐ HEEEEY YOU, I LOVE YOUR LITTLE DEER, AND WE GOT SOME DOPE ASS SHIT GOING ON LIKE??? your writing is so fucking good I wanna do more threads with you at some point even though I have verbal diarrhea ; BUT YOU DESERVE THE BEST LIKE I TAKE TIME ON MY REPLIES TO YOU SO THEY ARE GOOD EATS??? Like, let me love on ya!!! ; Also your art ; I'd tattoo the pink dress wearing Alastor on my body fr

MY LIL DEER BOY YES I'M SO EXCITED for him to be.... tortured... mercilessly (that sounds bad LMAO) but LISTEN we are both wordy and I do NOT hate that one bit, I EAT IT UP YUMYUM gimmi all that good good exposition and artsy prose I LOVE that shit and you do it SO WELL. Also thank you for recommending frilly pink dress Alastor, I think he will never live that one down LMAO.

@ducktastic-dad ⧐ you are SO funny and sweet pascall, i love writing with you ( and your writing is amazing obviously i cannot live without it ) but even just our conversations ooc bring me lots of joy !! you have fantastic art and i am FLOORED by how creative you are ! thank you for making me funny shitposts and indulging my horrible brainrot 😭💜

I'M GRABBING YOU AND SHAKING YOU BY THE SHOULDERS listen the fact that you have put up with my dumbass over the last few weeks just constantly spamming you with radioapple shit means that you should get some type of AWARD HONESTLY. every IC interaction we have is so good and whenever you reply I'm like *VACCUUM NOISES* as i ABSORB IT. YOU're the one indulging MY horrible brainrot and u know what there's something beautiful about that. THANK YOU ily ily

--------------

Thank you all for such kind words, it really did make me feel better about my poopy day. <3

#▶ after hours broadcast ▶#⨻ answers ⨻#long post #answers under the read-more

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sillygoofyqueer · 1 month ago

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New chapter of losing hope has been out for a bit but unfortunately danganronpa dragged me back into that hell for a little while!

But now I am back to rant abt the recent chapter! Anyone miss me? :D

Tbh I thought there’d be more angst on “Wwx riding a sword for the first time since probably when he was thrown in the burial mounds” but tbh he has bigger issues rn probably and a whole LWJ distracting him so I’d see why it doesn’t come to mind. Him challenging LWJ to go faster was adorable tho. And we all KNOW LWJ is dying of cuteness overload internally.

Interesting that you touched on WWX’s weird relationships with resentful/evil beings. I like that it gives the implication that because so many awful things happened to him resentful/evil beings became attracted to him and that it’s only increased over time.

Wwx feeling confined and like he’s going to be thrown into some cell is nothing new but heartbreaking nonetheless. Good thing LWJ is here to confuse the shit out of our man by going against basically everything the Lan Clan stands for :3 especially with that dizi!!

I do love how you portray WWX especially when he knows he can and probably should be vulnerable with the man that has done nothing but help him all this time but he can’t bring himself to because of how that has been used against him in the past. So real.

Wangxian getting caught making out is so incredibly in character and on brand of them it hurts. Jfc. Can’t wait to see what Xichen thinks of all this as soon as LQR stops having an aneurysm. On one hand, ship has sailed! On the other, sworn brother kidnapped and tortured a man + his allies for 13 years and actively killed other sworn brother. Ouch.

LQR’s reaction is amazing tho. I mean, Imagine getting so incredibly traumatized that even someone who hates your fucking guys and has since you were 15, feels bad for you. Jesus. I do love seeing that LWJ knows exactly what WWX is panicking over tho. So sweet! Tho seriously. I know LQR was just told what happened but I can’t wait to see his face when he realizes all the implications of it. Including what will happen to his family.

As always, fuck JGY, and thank you for writing this blessed story Four! Always a joy to read your writing and I hope you don’t mind the late response. I wish I could give you more kudos and remember to take breaks and take care of yourself <333

Now off to read three blades!

HELLLOOOOO! I hope your visit to Danganronpa was interesting and fun and intriguing, welcome back to u s .

Okay, so, I was thinking about having more angst with him riding a sword for the first time, but he's been a little distracted - also, he's the kinda guy who will just not think about everything wrong with him when there's more fun things he can focus on. What's the point in holding onto that shit when he's wrapped up in warm arms and is actually flying? And yes, Lan Wangji is, in fact, dying.

I'm so going to elaborate on his connection with resentful energy more! It's going to be a bit of a key little thing, I've been thinking about it so so much. He's got such a funky sort of relationship with them, he's like a magnet n shit for all of that. His trauma could increase that, especially when linked with his use of the dastardly stuffs.

Lan Wangji casually destroying any previous negative ideas that Wei Wuxian has about him - he thinks Lan Wangji hates him? Bro protects him and doesn't hand him in to the Jin immediately. He thinks Lan Wangji thinks he's weak and pathetic? Dude comforts and takes care of him. He thinks Lan Wangji finds him disgusting because of his use of demonic cultivation? Man gives the grandmaster of demonic cultivator a dizi in case he needs to protect himself. Lan Wangji is going to make Wei Wuxian feel as safe and comfortable in the Cloud Recesses even if he has to break the precepts to do it - it's all worth it for him.

On a similar note, Wei Wuxian feeling confined and trapped? It'll be rare for him not to after that mess of thirteen years he has just been put through. Like, who would willingly traumatise that poor bastard? *Hides bloodied hands* Wh-Who would do that to him? He's going to be incredibly traumatised from it all for a while, and hey, who knows? Maybe it'll get worse- WHO SAID THAT. WHO'S DROPPING LORE IN MY ANSWER.

Anywhosles, of course Wei Wuxian is conflicted about being vulnerable with anyone! Last time he was even remotely vulnerable, he was literally shoved in a room and tortured for thirteen years. Anyone would be unable to trust people after that, even if those people have been nothing but kind and helpful even when they didn't need to be. Wei Wuxian wanted to feel safe, and he doesn't feel safe when being vulnerable anymore, even if it may look like he's all chill and fine with it.

Listen, I need you to be fully aware that them making out wasn't supposed to happen. I was writing them to have this big emotional moment, and next thing I know my brain's like "and now they kiss" like little kids with dolls, so of course I was thrown off and like "NOW WHAT?!??" and then I remembered that Lan Qiren was supposed to stumble upon Wei Wuxian in the Jingshi so I was like "yeah, that's right, that would happen" and made it happen.

I'm not going to say when, but Lan Xichen WILL find out (obviously) and when he does it will be utter chaos in his mind. Maybe we'll even get it from his perspective! He'll be awkwardly standing there, listening to all the proof and being like "....oh. Well. At least that went well..." And then just violently breaking down. (This isn't fully what's going to happen, but it will also happen).

Lan Qiren is just done with his nephew's bullshit. Also, keep in mind that he probably didn't even SUSPECT this because Lan Wangji never saved Wei Wuxian after the Nightless City Massacre!!! This is a Huge ass surprise for the fucker. He's... he'll have to deal with this one way or another, and maybe he's learned from his reactions to Qingheng-Jun. Let's see.

As always, you're my beloved and we WILL be married in Spring. It's not yours to decide lmao. I will keep taking breaks for you xoxoxoxo (/p)

#four being a dumbass #LUUNNNAAAA #four's fanfic #grandmaster of demonic cultivation #mo dao zu shi #mxtx mdzs #mdzs #wei wuxian #wei ying #lan wangji #lan zhan #wangxian #lan qiren #lan xichen

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veilder · 2 years ago

Note

Hey, you don't have to post this ask or anything, but I'm trinityonline on ao3 (the person who keeps crying over 'of little loves and orange slices') and I wanted to let you know that your work directly inspired me to write this: Cast & Sugar https://archiveofourown.org/works/46601668

I generally struggle with writing flash fiction, so I copied the way you structured and paced your story. (I quite literally sat there and read paragraph by paragraph what sort of content it had and translated it over to my story lmao.) I studied some of the methods you used to describe things which really brought out the emotion I felt when I read orange slices. I wanted to duplicate the aesthetic your piece had, however, I found that because it was written in Hank's voice, it didn't have such an impact when I changed the voice to PM700. Anyway I'm typing a lot bc I'm nervous sending you this I hope you don't hate me for using your work as a guide HAHAHA

But yeah, you don't have to read my thing, I just wanted to let you know that it exists and that you directly helped me structure it <3

(And if you do read my thing and don't know about my hype about PM700, check out my Tumblr feed which has a bunch of screenshots and stuff <3) (but seriously no pressure) (not me toggling Ask anonymously on and off lmaooo)

Hello!!! Omg, this is the best ask I've ever gotten, absolutely do not worry about anything, my friend!!! When I tell you I actually straight-up cried because of your devastatingly kind words, I'm talking literally, omggggg. I could not be more flattered and honored and freakin giddy than I am right now!!! :D Lemme just doubly reassure you though! No, I do not mind at all that you left me this ABSOLUTELY WONDERFUL ASK!! No, I could never hate you for any of this, I am beyond delighted that something I made could be in any way this impactful to someone!!! Gosh, you studied my fic like a textbook, I don't even have the proper vocabulary to express how--! How--! How that makes me feel!!! But it is positive!!! Very positive, for reals!!!! 🥰🥰🥰

Also, I very much did read your fic and it was wonderful and you absolutely nailed the style of it so hard!! I checked out your tag for the PM700 too just to see what I was dealing with, though honestly, you wrote her so well I probably didn't even need to. XD And if anyone is still reading this absolutely unhinged ramble of mine, please go check out their fic!! It really struck me right in the feels and I'm still reeling from it, wow! They wrote one of the best Connor's I've ever seen, I love him so much. And they also made me care about a minor side character a significant amount, omg. XD (I swear, I will have to put her in a fic of my own someday if I ever write again. XD) It's just a super well-written, hard-hitting, emotional oneshot that is well worth a read! :D OP, I hope you know you made my night? I... can't even begin to express how much this means to me. You are an absolute blessing and have given me so much joy. Thank you so much for sending this ask! (And not doing so anonymously! :D) And please please please feel free to hmu in a DM or something if you ever wanna chat! I'm so here for it! :D

#asks #I'M STILL REELING THANK YOU VERY MUCH!!1 #BEST ASK OMG!#FIC REC!#SERIOUSLY GO READ IT!#IF MY LOVE OF SIXTY HAS TAUGHT Y'ALL ANYTHING IT'S THAT I GO FERAL FOR MINOR CHARACTERS AND LOOKIE I FOUND A NEW ONE TO LOVE!#WOO!!!!

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skywalking-through-life · 1 year ago

Note

3, 4, and 64 for the ask prompts :D

Ahhh, thank you for this ask! I love talking about my thoughts/process/whatever! 💙

3. On a scale of 1-10, how much do you enjoy incorporating romance into the average story?

This has got to be like a 9 for me, because I LOVE adding sweet little romantic moments into my fics, and will take every opportunity to do so! Most of my currently published fics feature percabeth, either heavily or mentioned/implied, because I love their love so much. 😭 But in general, I just like incorporating lots of moments of love! They aren't always romantic depictions of descriptions of love, but I think creating little moments of tenderness between characters is part of the way that I try to put a little more love into the world, and that's a mission I take seriously. ❤️ Here's one that's JUST romance, but it's a bit odd and a bit steamy, so mind the tags:

4. What's the plot bunny you've been carrying the longest? (and do you ever wonder why you haven't written it yet?)

OOF. I kind of can't say too much about this one, because I am actually in the middle of VERY seriously plotting it out right now! Without giving too much away, it explores what it might look like if certain authorities took an interest in a whole bunch of oddly talented, troublemaking kids who all happen to attend a certain summer camp on Long Island. 💀And I'll be honest: the reason I haven't written it yet is because it's going to be pretty dark, and that makes me NERVOUS. I have spent a LONG time working up the courage to even start putting an outline down on paper, and have gotten a lot of encouragement from a lot of lovely fellow writers as I've started outlining in earnest. So it's coming! Probably after I finish my current series. I hope y'all can trust me to tackle some really pretty dark themes. ❤️

64. What is your favorite title for a fic you've read?

There are SO many good titles out there, but for me, the standout has to be 'O Dionysus (Please Bless This Joint)' by anxioustofu on ao3. I scream with laughter every time I see it pop up anywhere, and I highly recommend it to anyone who is okay with the more adult content. (CWs: drug use, implied sexual activity) Find it here:

#pjo fic #percy jackson #pjo hoo toa #fic rec

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sigridhawke · 1 year ago

Note

for the ask meme! Nikolai- 🖤 💯🍎 / The princess - 💙 💘🤔 / Odin -👨‍👩‍👧‍👦 💜🐶 / Moonwhisper 🩹🚫🐷 / and 3 random asks for any crimson ocs of ur choice! : 🌈 ❤️🎮

I hope you're all ready for me to talk a bunch about Crimson cause I got THREE of these asks for my beloved story!!! Bless this Details About OCs Ask.

Thankyou for the asks!! This did get long so will chuck some under the read more!

Nikolai:

🖤 BLACK HEART — has your oc killed or seriously wounded anyone before? have they broken someone’s heart and/or broken someone’s trust?

Absolutely. Nikolai starts the journey as a fight first, ask questions later cause if you’ve come onto their mountain it's not going to be with good intentions lol. Nikolai does give the princess her draconic title during an argument which they regret. A title to dragons is a name given with intention that is remembered by the lifeblood of the world and it carries like a whisper on the wind to anyone else who comes near them.

💯 HUNDRED POINTS SYMBOL — share three random facts about your oc that others may not know.

Oh gosh this is a hard one. Torn between spoilers and yknow what yolo!

- Nikolai has no arms under their gaunlets. It just stops at the elbow and the gaunlets are solid ice grasping at their skin in humanoid form. As wyverns are a branch of dragons, they still have the remnants of arm bones on their skeleton, its just not shown in their true forms. Being knocked down to a humanoid form is a very different story.

- Out of the nine main/known languages of the world, Nikolai only knows common tongue (humans), draconic (dragonfolk), and a little bit of wild tongue which was self taught (spoken by the creatures ‘monsters’ of the world)

- Technically speaking, Nikolai is a self taught necromancer. (nobody liked that popup appears from the world lol)

🍎 RED APPLE — where was your oc born? do they still live in/around their place of birth or do they live somewhere else? how do they feel about their birthplace?

Nikolai was born on the Frigid Mountain, alone, their egg wrapped by the frozen bodies of their parents' nagas (in full snake form). One parent is just straight up missing, the other Nikolai would later find out is a frozen corpse upon the mountain. Their relationship with home is arguably not the best one, but after leaving once to try and find more of their kind, they were met with pushback (from being a necromancer) so the mountain had been their home ever since, leaving only to hunt for food. They enjoy the solitude/company of their two nagas if only because they don’t really know anything else, which is why they struggle a lot when they do end up leaving to help the princess.

Princess Natasha:

💙 BLUE HEART — does your oc have any cool/special powers and/or abilities? how are they with magic, if it exists in their world?

Fire magic, ability to control dreams and glamour her dragon parts. High level of magical ability and also knowledge thanks to Morgan and genetically through Gwendolyn

💘 HEART WITH ARROW — what and/or who do(es) your oc consider the most important to them?

Daedalus (name of the world) and her kingdom. Her friends and family, values them all equally

🤔 THINKING FACE — what are some of your oc’s quirks/mannerisms?

Often fiddling with something - hem of her skirt or something with texture. Helps her think. Puts her hands on her chest, as that is where her fire magic comes from, so there is a comforting warmth there.

Odin:

👨‍👩‍👧‍👦 FAMILY WITH MOTHER, FATHER, SON AND DAUGHTER — how many people are in your oc’s immediate family? how many people are in your oc’s extended family? do they have aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents, etc? who in their family are they closest with? are they close with their birth family, or do they have a found family?

Immediate family, not much. Odin would consider Shaurya and Selvans as his ‘siblings’ as the trio have been around since the beginning of the world but he doesn’t have any blood relatives unless you consider the ‘creators’ as parental figures but they more just created life and set it down in the world and watched it walk. Thane would be his closest ‘family’ so to speak given they’re partners but that’s really the extent of it. Given Thane’s caught in what appears to be an eternal timeloop where he loses his memories every thirty years, expanding family has never been on the table (although Thane has thought about it a lot).

💜 PURPLE HEART — what is your oc’s ancestry/genetic background?

Dragons/Dragonfolk are/were split into a few different categories, Leather winged, Feather winged, ‘Fae’ winged, Finned (sea dragons), Wyverns, and the Wingless (original forms pretty much non existent as they evolved into nagas, something Odin himself helped direct). Odin is of Feathered and Fae heritage although he primarily displays Feathered.

🐶 DOG FACE — does your oc have any pets?

Technically speaking Odin and Thane ‘share’ Muse, a fae-cat creature that belongs/was summoned by Thane before the mental timeloop. Muse is very attached to Thane and remains in the world basically like a pet looking after Thane and keeping Odin company. They had a rocky start to their relationship given Odin impaled the fae with his tail during their battle, but Thane did cut off Odin’s tail and one set of his wings so Muse considers them even.

3 for a random OC

I’m going to pick Aluber for this because I love him so very deerly (HAH cause he’s a faun) and wanna share him with you. Left to right: Aluber, Percival, Fia

🌈 RAINBOW — what is your oc’s sexual orientation/gender identity? what pronouns do they use?

Aluber is genderfluid but typically goes by he/him! He is a very loud and proud bisexual and polyamorous with his two beloved partners Fia and Percival. Out of the three is his the one down for one night stands when they come to new towns but his main priorities are his long commitment partners~

❤️ RED HEART — what are three of your oc’s positive traits?

- Aluber has chronic pain and fairly frequent muscle spasms which make him twitch sporadically, he incorporates the latter into his role as the circus jester and it boosted his self confidence tremendously. Also the younger individuals love when he twitches and bells are attached to his horns cause they jingle.

- His found family/circus family mean everything to him and - while he'd argue Percival is the glue that keeps them together - it's definitely attributed to the care Aluber gives to each and every one of them.

- Despite a rocky start to life being outcast by his own kind, Aluber strives to find the good in everything and everyone while understanding his limits and confiding in those he trusts when he can’t keep a smile on his face.

🎮 VIDEO GAME CONTROLLER — what are three of your oc’s favorite hobbies?

- Dancing!! Any chance he gets to dance he absolutely will. 10/10 one of his favourite pastimes. Especially if its around the campfire in the middle of nowhere with music because the circus crew just wanted to celebrate/have a good time.

- Dressing up in loud flashy clothing and having his makeup done by Fia. He love getting to be her canvas and getting to look pretty/beautiful/handsome/sexy/everything

- Stargazing!!

Edit:

HECK I FORGOT MOONWHISPER OMG

SHOVES HIM HERE LOL

🩹 ADHESIVE BANDAGE — does your oc have any physical and/or mental disabilities?

Mental, no he’s just a bit of an asshole but with good reason, but still an asshole lol. He’ll care about the world more than he’ll ever care about an individual creature on it.

Physical, absolutely. For majority of the story he he recovering from having all three sets of his wings ripped off and being dragged into a mountain. A mountain that he lugs around with him because the bonds were strong, but not strong enough to contain him completely.

🚫 PROHIBITED — does your oc drink/smoke? do they do it regularly, or is it more on occasion or for special events?

Moonwhisper is an entity that requires nothing to live other than the lifeblood of the world itself. Things like smoking he considers beneath him, and drinking (usually only tea) is more of a visual statement than an actual necessity.

🐷 PIG FACE — what is your oc’s favorite animal?

He’s not supposed to have favourites, but he loves fauns. They’re his favourite creation of the world and he often shapes his appearance around them.

#tags asks and replies #original story crimson #ASK GAME MY BELOVED #my art

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viterbofangirl · 2 years ago

Text

I posted 3,877 times in 2022

11 posts created (0%)

3,866 posts reblogged (100%)

Blogs I reblogged the most:

@cat-a-holic

@canardbabillard

@featherfur

@squirrelasinthewoodlandanimal

@fallynleaf

I tagged 3,870 of my posts in 2022

#fanart - 278 posts

#star wars - 165 posts

#heaven's official blessing - 157 posts

#tgcf - 157 posts

#the daily adventures of viterbofangirl - 131 posts

#*undignified giggle-snort* - 130 posts

#dracula daily - 128 posts

#this blue hellsite - 126 posts

#just for fun - 122 posts

#somedays i love this website - 95 posts

Longest Tag: 140 characters

#every scene with renner and johannson together is played as a huge unspoken 'fuck you' to brucenat and the farm family and bless them for it

My Top Posts in 2022:

Hey I don't have links myself but re: that post about DuckDuckGo: I've seen a different version of the post with links to the CEO's Twitter where he refuted that (and explained why independent outlets fall lower in results) and I don't think it's true. There are a few reblogs in the notes with links. Also many of the alternatives in that list are Google or Bing clones posing as "independent" search engines to lure in people who are cautious about the big names.

Thank you so much for this info! TBH it's a relief because I've been quite happy with DDG, and I will now be on the watch for poser search engines!

4 notes - Posted June 19, 2022

Tag game!

Thanks to the ever-lovely @akamarykate for tagging me! <3

Rules: Tag nine people you want to know better.

Three ships: Most recently, Jiang Cheng/Wen Qing from The Untamed, but I gotta go with Luke Skywalker/Mara Jade from the Star Wars EU, and Gary Hobson/Toni Brigatti for the longest-lasting ships!

First ever ship: See the above two! They were going on around the same time. L/M probably predates G/T by a year or two, but G/T was more viciously shipped (at first).

Last song: “Queen” by Loren Gray

Last film: Film? Ah geez. I honestly don’t know. I’m going to cheat a little and say “Frozen II” not because I recently watched it, but I’ve had a strong hankering for it so it’s got a 99% chance of being the next movie I watch!

Currently reading: I’m technically in the middle of “Because Internet” by Gretchen McCulloch, but tbh I’ve been reading a metric shitton of MDZS fanfic on my Kindle.

Currently watching: I’m taking a very brief hiatus from The Untamed and just finished up rewatching BBC’s The Musketeers, a.k.a. Man Candy the Series.

Currently consuming: Alyssa’s Healthy Chocobites

Currently craving: Reaching That Point In My Life Where I Regain A Smidgen Of Energy. And also the inspiration to continue some WIP fics!

Tagging: @themoonstarwarrior, @cat-a-holic, @fallynleaf, @threadsketchier, @squirrelasinthewoodlandanimal, @pityen81, @shaelit, @lucife56, @ancientstone but seriously no pressure on the above and loads of encouragement to participate to anyone else! To anyone who wants to play, please just tag me so I can see your answers! <3

5 notes - Posted February 24, 2022

(x)

5 notes - Posted January 3, 2022

Fic authors self rec! When you get this, reply with your favorite five fics that you've written, then pass on to at least five other writers. Let’s spread the self-love! 💖

My sideblog was tagged by @ancientstone and so I decided to post there AND on my regular blog!

Okay, so, I've been writing and not completing fandom stuff since I was at LEAST 16 which means over twenty years now, but I looked through my folder and I *think* these are my faves in no particular order:

1) Sinbad and the Garden of the Hesperides: a Proteus-heavy sequel to Dreamworks' animated "Sinbad: Legend of the Seven Seas" because Proteus deserves ALL THE LOVE dammit! >:[ (currently over 41k words and unposted but stay tuned because I know the first 4-5 chapters are done at least...)

2) The Sense of Her: a FMA Royai one-shot taking place over multiple points in the series, each scene focused on one of the five senses (currently on AO3)

3) Gunslinger: written in a different narrative style than my usual (Old-West stylized omniscient present vs alternating third-person POV) it's a retelling of Roger Corman's (yes, I know) movie "Gunslinger" starring Beverly Garland that is one of my favorite MST3Ks (yes, I know) but still has really good bones to the story (unposted and honestly barely started but still has some damned good lines if I do say so myself)

4) No Miracle for the Likes of Us/Rebirth/Codename:Teen Idol 'Dite: *CHEATER ALERT!* These are _three_ Venus/Kunzite-centric Sailor Moon fics, but are set in the same no-Stars-AU, with the first detailing the fall of Silver Millennium, the second beginning with the Shitennou being revived immediately after the manga's SuperS arc, and the third being a plot line so heavily intertwined with Rebirth that I haven't decided whether or not to make them one big fic featuring Codename as specified interludes o_O;;; (overall size: *drops face into hands* it... it just keeps GROWING... *sobs*)

5) She-Ra: Princess of Power: a massive retelling of the original She-Ra series as a continuation of the Mike Young 200X animated He-Man and the Masters of the Universe series, with each chapter an "episode" (currently a highly disjointed >57k monster, but the first two "episodes” are on AO3)

Tagging @akamarykate @fallynleaf @rhysiana @threadsketchier @adriannasharp and anyone else who wants to participate! Tag me if you reply so that I might properly appreciate your efforts and genius! <3

7 notes - Posted April 3, 2022

My #1 post of 2022

Offered Up

Abel you placed the stone in my hands Told me that God prefers innocent lambs Strike hard strike true my own my brother Then He’ll prefer you favored over another

Offer me up

Don’t worry don’t worry my own my brother I’m happy I’m happy my own my brother Release me release me my own my brother

Offer me up

The stone sat heavy and thick in my hands The blood ran heavy and slick on my hands This murder it seemed like a trick on my hands

Who is the victim? Who was the victim?

(inspired by @zelkam’s gifset)

22 notes - Posted March 29, 2022

Get your Tumblr 2022 Year in Review →

#tumblr2022 #year in review #my 2022 tumblr year in review #your tumblr year in review #my stuff

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theofficefantasyfootball · 1 month ago

Text

WEEK 7 - Wrap Up

HALF WAY THERE!

Whoa! We're half way there...whoa livin on a prayer! Yes can you believe it? It seems like it was just yesterday we were drafting an now we are half way to week 14. I know I am living on a prayer for this season and I am sure many of you are as well. I am not going to waste time...let's dive in!

MOOSES ON THE LOOSES vs TREE HUGGERS

What is happening? The Moose has lost 2 in a row? To start off so strong and then to just fall apart...I am not sure I have seen anything like it in the many many years of doing the wrap up. And also, Scott capitalized on my RB going out for a while early in the game (Montgomery)...and so Gibbs got all the touches and touchdowns - putting up 33 fantasy points, throw in a great night from Breece Hall, a normal day from DK and 14 from a kicker and what do you get? A winner! Nice win Scott - way to not be intimidated by Mitch and his 5-1 record...now 5-2.

HOWARD vs TRADE WITH ME

Anyone who gets to play against Howard over the next 2 weeks is blessed. Howard doesn't think about anything in October except Polka Music. You know, I know it, he knows it and now Brett knows it. Trade with me didn't even have to try that hard although Mixon, Love and Bills D helped him quite a bit. I really don't need to type anymore cause I am pretty sure Brett doesn't read these and Howard, is well you know...on a Polka tour. Winner Brett!

LONG LEFT BALLERS vs THE HUNT FOR BROCKTOBER

Bebo...do you need a makeover? Seriously, what the hell is going on? You played Kupp but he didn't play. Did you give up? If so can you trade me Pickens? Meanwhile...Kyle is having the October of his life...with the new "fall themed" name he is on a 4 game winning streak and putting up high numbers. In the 20s on three of his players with a QB still to play on MNF. Nice win Kyle...I am not looking forward to facing you next week in the ultimate "Bro In Law" match up of the season.

WHAM BAM THANK YOU LAMB vs MR AWESOME

Well, Gabe Scott is officially a dick in my book. Yeah I said it. I know, we need to be nice to Gabe, he owns Ladybird and God Forbid anyone would get banned from Ladybird...all I know is he has a horrible team (2-4 going into this week) and instead of letting me coast into a win and go on a 3 game winning streak he puts up solid numbers and leaves me with the impossible task of making up a 17 point deficit on MNF with only Andrews and Flowers left - oh and yea he still has Dicker and White. That's right DICKER. He's going to beat me and the last points I get to see are from DICKer. So, suck it Gabe. Not cool! Also - I told him on Thursday "Gabe get ready for the game of your life...high point week for you". I am the prophet!

FUNK GUY vs LANAKILA

Ok - here we go...Cliff Young and Dana Cappillino again waiting for MNF. I swear when these two set their line ups the first thing they do is see who is playing on Monday Night and make sure they are in the line up. For Dana, this week it's Lamar so I get it...for Cliff it's Otton and Ravens D. 63-61 to start the night and Predictor saying Dana will win. Well, we all saw this coming...Otton did great but Lamar did greater...44.44 fantasy points to be exact. Dana more than wins this one. Congrats Dana!

TuPADRE vs BOOMER SOONER

And...the final game of the night all came down to the Ravens/Bucs game. TuPadre starts the night with 87.54 with King Henry and Likely to play and Stu with 84.28 with Godwin and Tucker. Predictor has Gully winning by 2 but as we all know - that thing doesn't work.

And I was correct - predictor doesn't work....cause Gully won by 15 thanks to another amazing night from King Henry. So, not only does Stu lose Godwin for the season he takes a loss on week 7. Rough one Stu.

CHEERLEADER OF THE WEEK

Did you know the Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders are in the Smithsonian Museum? Me neither.

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simp47koreancrackheads · 1 year ago

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Hi moni. Remember when I told you that anything could make me cry? And then told you I’d read this specific chapter? Yeah, I could’ve use a WARNING (which you actually included in the warnings) BUT STILL. I love you though, this is perfect and exactly what I wanted/needed to read💜 I apologize though bc, like I told you, my brain is useless today, also it’s 3 am, and my contacts are all dry from all the crying for reading this; so this review will be a commentary over my fav parts. You deserve more appreciation but this is all I have 🥲 k let’s gooooo

“He had been insistent, feverish nearly, almost demanding when he had said you should go out.” Bless him, full on damage-control mode🥺❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹

“I bought you those fucking knives. If you had killed yourself, it would have been my fault.” He really is devastated at the idea (now vivid, imprinted on his brain 💔) that he could lose her😭😭😭

“Yoongi reached out a hand and rested it on your leg, that was all.” Smalls gestures like this one, are the biggest ones. The ones that screams the loudest, and are all that is needed. He really is the best she could have right now😭❤️‍🩹

“He lay down beside you and kept your hands clutched in his, held over his heart. “You told me I wasn’t allowed to kill myself,” he said and his voice was croaky, a little strained. “If I can’t, you can’t.” That right there. Hands on heart, that’s a pact sealed in heaven. It’s a contract, and she can’t break it bc HE said so. 🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹

“You shrugged and Yoongi lifted a pinky.” Like I said, a contract. You can’t break a pinky promise. You just CANT 🙅🏽‍♀️❤️‍🩹 I ADORE HIM!!!!!!!!

“His loss.” “You don’t know him,”“I don’t have to. I know you.” ajhygdnclljhfryuoooljh😫 my heart can’t take this!!!!! ❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹 😭😭😭🥺🥺

“He shook his head again and you had no choice but to comply.” Hello I’m obsessed with this no-nonsense yoongi. He doesn’t need to scream or glare, not even words. All you get is a shook and you know no means no🙅🏽‍♀️

“…without the guilt, without the knowledge that other people here would notice your absence. Yoongi held your hand tighter.” he’s being her anchor right now and I just can’t handle it🥺❤️‍🩹 btw, all this hand holding is melting my heart. Not bc it’s romantic, but bc it’s comforting. And coming from this Yoongi, the gesture speaks louder than bombs. He has her life on his hands right now and that’s just so delicately beautiful 🥺❤️‍🩹

“You couldn’t cope with any more kindness.“ I cannot stress this enough YOU DESERVE IT BABY!!!! TAKE IT!!!😫❤️‍🩹

Hair stroking, soft kisses, humming jazz ballads…… teddy is just pure gold and I… I just love him so much🥺🥺❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹 she literally has the dream team on her back! You told me it was hard to write her bc she only has two friends, but seriously she doesn’t need anyone else! These two are just everything one could ever want 🥺🥺🥺🥺❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹

“You really are an obnoxiously attractive couple, you know that?” you could put all kinds of adjectives to their beauty and it’ll still be understatement of the year 😂

“You wanted to say, look, I can be wanted! I’m fine and what I’m doing is fine because it’s what I want!” I mean, I’m happy that she’s finally seeing that she is/could be wanted, but it’s also kinda sad and empty and it breaks me that she needs the validation 🥺💔

“…and I was just so relieved that people weren’t disgusted by me, y’know?” 😔 my heart breaks for her💔 I just wanna hug her yknow?🥺 🫂💜

“Are we back to being broken-heart losers again? This sucks.” 😂😂😂😂😂

“…but you offered up a little thank you to the universe; you already didn’t know what you’d do or how you’d come this far without him.” *sighs* …

Every. Single. Chapter. Of this series is pure gold. Not a single exception. it’s perfection. Says who? ME. I say so. So it’s true. Deal with it. I love it so much that I want to print it into a book. Idk. 🥹💜 moni this came out of your amazing brain and I’m just thankful for reading it💜💜💜💜💜💜💜

Kintsugi 6

Pairing: Yoongi x reader

Genre: strangers-to-friends-to-lovers, non-idol!au, angst, smut, tiny bit of eventual fluff

Summary: In a fit of spiteful, post-break-up self-improvement, you sign up to a baking class. Yoongi, in a bid to appease his demanding girlfriend, signs up, too. Determined to make him your friend, you end up with more than you ever imagined.

Word count: 6.4k

Content: more crying, lots of crying, protected sex, semi-public sex/sex in a public place, casual talk of suicide as usj

A/N: thanks to Lia @quarter-life-crisis2 for beta-ing!

Chapter Five | Masterlist

Chapter Six - Yoongi, after all

You were at the beach. God knew why. Yoongi had insisted.

You had fallen asleep there, on your sofa, you enveloped by him, him covering you. His breath warm and soft against your skin, his arms secure around you. You had eventually stopped crying, your ragged breath turning smooth, turning deep and slow as you let sleep overtake you. The untouched bowl of food sat still on the coffee table; your cycling shorts, a box of bandages, a pair of scissors lay, piled on the side of the kitchen counter. A small mess. A big mess.

You had both woken early when the sunlight had streamed in through your uncovered windows. It had been awkward and you had wanted him to leave so you could cry into your pillows and rot into your sofa in peace. You had wanted him to leave so you wouldn’t have had to see him seeing you, in all your most debased, pathetic reality. He had been insistent, feverish nearly, almost demanding when he had said you should go out. Why he had picked the beach, you had no idea. It had seemed to come from nowhere, but you hadn’t had the energy to argue, so there you were. At the beach.

The seagulls squawked and the waves roared as they always did. It was quiet for the time being. It was still early. You and Yoongi had risen with the sun and been stepping in sand before you would usually even be waking on a Saturday. Most of the beach-comers hadn’t come yet but they would and they would fill the air with raucous revelry when they did.

It was silent between the two of you. It had been silent while Yoongi drove, too. When you had arrived, he had asked if you wanted a drink, an ice-cream, breakfast. You had refused all. You didn’t want anything but to walk into the sea and not walk out again.

It wasn’t often that you were this quiet, that you let the silence go on, thicken, and cover you like fog. You could feel it around you, more than just mist. You always thought of Winnie the Pooh at moments like this: ‘I’m just a little black raincloud’. Of course, the circumstances were wildly different, so different that, if you were able to, you’d have found the comparison funny. You weren’t looking for honey. There wasn’t any to be had. You were just a raincloud, raining on everyone’s parade. You were just a raincloud, thick and dark and heavy with water. Drowning in it.

Yoongi was angry. He hid his face behind sunglasses but you didn’t need to look at him to know. You could feel it. His silence was different today, too; it had grown claws.

“You’re angry with me,” you said. Not a question.

“No.”

“Yes, you are.”

“I’m not angry with you.”

You sighed. He could have it his way. If he didn't want to talk then fi-

“I’m fucking devastated.”

You turned to him but he kept staring forward, straight at the sea.

“What?”

“You know I thought you were dead when I first came into your apartment? I get it; it’s not like I haven’t been there. But I thought you were fucking dead.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah.”

“I’m not dead,” you offered, at a loss for anything else.

“Yeah, I see that.”

“You are still angry though.”

“I bought you those fucking knives. If you had killed yourself, it would have been my fault.” There was venom in his voice, vitriol, more than just anger and you couldn’t believe what you were hearing.

“No, it wouldn’t. I’d have found a way if I really wanted to.”

“But I didn’t need to make it easier for you.”

He was angry with himself. You hadn’t expected that. You hadn’t thought you could sink any lower, but you’d managed to. You’d hurt him. You were so worried about being hurt yourself that you hadn’t considered it, hadn’t considered him. He was beating himself up about something that was all you. He felt responsible for you, for what you’d done. You’d implicated him in it. You’d hurt him and he was angry and, in his own words, ‘fucking devastated’. You had done that. But he was sitting next to you on the beach still. He was holding your hand because you needed a tether, something to keep you on earth. He was there, despite everything you’d done.

You had been hitting your head against the brick wall of thinking about Sungbin, of trying not to and failing. You had left your phone somewhere in your apartment so you had no way of knowing if he’d tried to contact you—no way of being disappointed and hurt all over again that he hadn’t. Because why would he? You wouldn’t have, if you were him. As you were bashing your head bloody, so was Yoongi. Bashing his head against the wall that said he had done this to you. That this was his fault, that he was somehow to blame for something you had done to yourself.

You had, for hours, been successfully holding back tears. You took a deep breath and it shuddered in, wobbled out again. You lay back, straight onto the sand, and let the tears leak down into your hair. You covered your eyes with your hands and bit your lip and took a few more juddering breaths. Then you just let it happen. You were crying in public again. Crying while the sun rose higher and higher in the sky, crying as the beach filled with people, with joy. Crying. Yoongi reached out a hand and rested it on your leg, that was all.

One thing you had learnt was that there was never an end to despair. You might think that there would be some end to tears, that they dry up eventually, but the fact of the matter was, they didn’t. You had spent nights crying, days crying; Taehyung had given you night-time flu medicine to knock you out just to get you to stop. You think you’re at rock bottom and then you discover fifty feet of crap below it. That’s where you were. Below rock bottom. Making life worse for all those around you. You were worse than just unwanted. You were a mistake. All the way back to the beginning, you were a mistake. Dragging everyone down.

You took your hands to your thighs and Yoongi grabbed them both, held them tight. He lay down beside you and kept your hands clutched in his, held over his heart.

“You told me I wasn’t allowed to kill myself,” he said and his voice was croaky, a little strained. “If I can’t, you can’t.”

You struggled to control your sobbing enough to respond.

“W-what if I real- really w-w-want to?”

“Nope.”

“What if we k-killed ours-… ourselves together?”

“Suicide pact? Tempting. But no. I don’t want you to die.”

You sighed shakily.

“No, I don’t want you to d-die, either.”

"So we’re agreed then. No dying. No killing ourselves.”

You shrugged and Yoongi lifted a pinky. You didn’t want to promise, didn’t want to make a deal or a pact, didn’t want to swear that you wouldn’t end it all. You didn’t want to be bound to it. But after everything Yoongi had done for you, the fact that he was here now—you didn’t have a choice. You linked your own little finger with his as your heart sank in your chest.

The silence felt less strained when it fell again. A little closer, but less oppressive. You listened to the waves roll in and out, tried to time your breathing to it, tried to feel the sand, warm and gritty beneath you. Your tears were drying in the hot sun and being replenished less and less. You took your hands back from Yoongi, holding his now, heavy over your heart, the weight of them pressing on your chest.

“Do you want to talk about it?” Yoongi asked.

“Sungbin ended things.”

“Oh.”

“Kind of. He didn’t want a relationship. I thought that’s what we had.”

You couldn’t help your voice breaking, cracking, the wellspring in your eyes refreshing. You felt Yoongi shrug.

“His loss.”

“You don’t know him,” you said, voice wavering and lip wobbling.

“I don’t have to. I know you.”

Like a tap turned on, your tears began to flow again. You couldn’t take the weight of his kindness, the weight of what he had done for you, the weight of it in light of your misery and heartbreak, your depression and despair. Like a broken record, the same old thoughts wound around in your head, a kaleidoscope of the worst things you could think of yourself, the obligation to stay alive in spite of it all, the exhaustion of living.

Yoongi tugged on your hand and sat up.

“Come on,” he said. “Let’s walk.”

Still crying, you stood up, brushed sand off yourself and let Yoongi lead you to the water’s edge. You pushed your toes into the wet sand, the waves rushing backwards and forwards, making you feel dizzy as the ground receded beneath your feet. You stepped in a little deeper and a little deeper still, until your arm was stretched, Yoongi still on the shoreline holding your hand.

“I want to go deeper,” you told him.

He shook his head.

“You can’t get your bandages wet.”

“Salt water is good for wounds.”

He shook his head again and you had no choice but to comply.

You walked along the shore, water splashing under your feet, the sea breeze just barely cooling against the sun beating down on you. You still wanted to walk into the sea and not come back out. You still wanted to go home and decay in your bed. But there was a tiny spark, somewhere, that felt a little bit alive, that could feel the air on your skin and sand in your toes and Yoongi’s hand in yours, that felt those things and a connection to the world, a tiny thread spinning out of you and into this place, this person. A grounding. You hated it. You didn’t want it. You wanted to whisk yourself off the planet in a tempestuous pool of blood without the guilt, without the knowledge that other people here would notice your absence.

Yoongi held your hand tighter.

Yoongi let you hold his hand in yours all day, all the way home, even as he drove. He walked you up to your apartment and you stopped in your doorway when you saw Taehyung sitting on your sofa, face like thunder.

“Oh- Teddy...”

“Where have you been?” he asked, voice low. “You haven’t replied to any of my messages since yesterday morning. You haven’t even read them.”

“I’ll leave you guys to it,” Yoongi said, dropping your hand and backing out. You turned to look at him and he looked back carefully. “You’ll be ok?”

You nodded and watched him retreat all the way down the corridor.

“Well?” Taehyung demanded as you shut your door and walked over to join him.

You shrugged, as if nothing had happened.

“Yoongi and I went to the beach.”

“Don’t bullshit me.”

There was a fire in his eyes that he was trying to subdue, trying to hide, but you knew him too well for that. You’d made him angry, too. Your stomach roiled with tension, your heartbeat skipping and racing. It wasn’t as if he didn’t know what you’d done in the past, but it had always been in the past or it had always been San who dealt with it in the present. It wasn’t the first time that you had fallen off and away from him, disappeared for a little while until he came and got you back, sweating and panting and raving with an irate worry that kept him watchful of you for days to come. It wasn’t the first time, which made it all the worse.

“You can’t just go off-grid like that with no warning. Tell me what’s happened.”

You curled yourself into a tight ball and gave him the shortest explanation you could.

“Sungbin.”

“Bad news?”

You nodded. He sighed, all the fire extinguished, and pulled you into his lap.

“I’m sorry, baby.”

You couldn’t cope with any more kindness. The way he stroked your hair and placed soft kisses into it, the way he rubbed your back and held you tight, the way he hummed jazz ballads you didn’t know, filling the silence so you didn’t have to... Your tears had still not run dry; there they were again.

For the second time in twenty-four hours, you fell asleep, face wet with tears, breathing jagged and unsteady, heart broken.

You remained that way, in and out of tears, in and out of sleep, for a few days; you called in sick for work and Taehyung pleaded his case to work from home – yours. He made you leave the house every day; he made you eat; he made you shower. It was almost as if the preceding six months hadn’t happened. You had gone nowhere, learnt nothing, achieved nothing. You had been right the first time: no one wanted you and it didn’t get better.

“That’s not true, y’know, princess,” Taehyung had replied when you’d told him that. “You’re not at square one at all. It might not feel like it now, but you’ve made progress. I promise you, this time it’ll be easier.”

Your therapist said the same. She also tried to get you to see that it wasn’t about Sungbin, that Sungbin could have been anyone and you would have reacted the same way to their rejection. You reluctantly agreed that you had been right when you’d previously said you weren’t ready for a relationship—you weren’t and this proved it. But you were sick of being alone.

And you were quickly sick of moping. Your frustration grew within you until you were nauseated by your own existence. You decided to do something radical for a change.

“What’s kickin’, chicken?!” You fell heavily into your chair the following Wednesday.

“What’s got into you?”

You shrugged. A ridiculous brain worm that was forcing you to breeze past your catastrophe of a life and pretend everything was fine, that’s what had got into you, but you weren’t going to say that, because it would ruin the pretence.

“Nothing. I’ve just decided to feel good. Sun’s shining and all that.”

Taehyung hummed lightly.

“Well, good.”

“What are you doing this weekend? Want to go out?”

“Out out?”

“Yep!”

You were going to be a girl about town, or something like that. You were going to kick up your heels or paint the town red or just do something, fucking anything, that could get you out of your head. Alcohol was always a good way to do that. Alcohol and loud music and too many bodies pressed up against each other.

“I was going to see Hyunji-”

“He can come, if he wants!”

“Uh, yeah, ok, I’ll text him.”

“It’s about time I met him properly anyway, babe; you’ve been gatekeeping him too long.”

You might have been turning over a new leaf or something, but you still needed a hand to hold while you did it and Taehyung was the one who held it now.

Hyunjin was as beautiful as you remembered.

“You really are an obnoxiously attractive couple, you know that?”

They looked at each other, Taehyung smirking, Hyunjin questioning, before grinning back at you with symmetrical shrugs.

“Born this way, baby; it’s a hard life, but someone’s gotta live it!”

You playfully shoved off Taehyung’s arm as he tried to wrap it around you and turned your attention to the bar. The first round was on you.

The second round was yours, and yours only.

And your third.

The fourth was the point at which Taehyung stepped in and asked if you wanted to slow down. You didn’t. You assured him you were completely fine. Then you bought another drink.

Finally drunk enough to dance, you slipped away from the two of them and moved into the mass of bodies on the dancefloor. It was much the same as any other: sticky floors littered with empty plastic cups; music you could feel beat through your bones; lights bright and hectic, spinning and flashing, making everyone’s face a blur, once there and the next second, gone; the bodies, hot and sticky and sweaty, pressed up against one another whether deliberately or not. You wanted to be one of them, become part of the writhing mass and lose yourself in it, if only for a little while.

Someone caught your eye. Someone tall, and dark, and handsome; someone dancing just a little better than everyone else. Someone surrounded by a ring of women, all wanting his attention but not bold enough to go out and grab it.

Fuck it, you thought, you’d had enough Dutch courage.

You slid through gaps, between people, and moved closer to him, your hands reaching for his hips. He didn’t seem surprised; he grinned at you and you were disarmed by the cuteness of it. He held his hands over yours and pulled you closer, then he pushed your hands backwards onto your own hips, still under his. He guided you, moved you, and you let him, enjoying ceding control. His body moved smoothly and fluidly, far more than yours could, and it wasn’t long before you wrapped your arms around his neck, pulled your chest closer to his, and gave yourself up to the moment. Whatever would happen would happen and you would go with it. Wasn’t this what you wanted? Yes, it was.

He wasn’t hesitant when he pulled back a little, when he faced you and leant in, bringing his lips to yours. The kiss was firm, sure, but not impatient, and you were the one to nip at his lower lip, to encourage his mouth open, to slip your tongue against his. His grip on you tightened, too hard now, digging in, ten little pressure points around your hips. Pressed so tightly against him, you could feel his body react, could feel but not hear the low groan that rumbled in his chest as you sucked on his tongue and raked your nails against his scalp. He broke your kiss and his mouth journeyed across your cheek to your ear.

“Want to find somewhere more private?”

Yes. That was exactly what you wanted.

He seemed to know where he was going and pushed open a door marked ‘STAFF ONLY’. You didn’t care if he worked there or not, if you were allowed to be going through there or not. You only cared that your hand was still clutched in his.

He pushed open another door and pulled you in, shutting the door behind you and then pushing you up against it, his hands either side of your head.

“Seunghoon, by the way,” he said before kissing you, deep and hard, his tongue searching inside your mouth.

You gave the only response you could: a quiet moan, just barely audible above the muffled beat of the distant dancefloor. As he moved his lips down your neck, you told him your name and he hummed against the skin of your neck.

“Nice to meet you.”

“Yeah, you too.”

His hands were skirting the hem of your dress and you lifted it, shameless, unabashed. He fumbled with his belt and you cursed yourself for leaving your bag with Taehyung and Hyunjin.

“Uh,” you began. “You have a condom, right?”

“Of course.”

He grinned at you and took his wallet from his back pocket. He extracted the small square of foil and handed it to you, while he unzipped. You had no idea it could be this easy. Taehyung’s words from months ago flashed in your mind; you should have done this months ago. He was right. ‘Go out in a short skirt, pull your underwear down, and away you go!’. Well, away you were going. You hadn’t even pulled your underwear down, just to the side. You had said you had more class than that, but now you didn’t. Now you didn’t want to.

The pressure was hard as Seunghoon inched inside you, the pain of the stretch just enough to anchor you to your body, to feel the bleary buzz from the alcohol, the tingling in your fingers and toes you always got at this moment, Seunghoon’s warm, wet breath on your face, the tang of something sharp lingering there. You kissed him again, brought your hands to his face and ran them through his hair.

“Fuck,” he growled against your lips. “You are fucking tight.”

“Uh huh.”

High-pitched and breathy because you were, a little too tight, but you wanted it so badly, wanted to feel him pressing against you, wanted to feel your walls mould to his contours. You had to. You had to feel this wanting, wanted, had to know that you were worth something, even if only this.

He moved slowly, patiently, and the pain gave way to pleasure, your words and sounds less performative now. His hips were as smooth and fluid as they had been on the dancefloor, his lips as soft, his tongue as wet as he sucked bold, unembarrassed marks into your neck. You hadn’t really expected to enjoy it. You just wanted it as proof of something. It didn’t matter what it was, really, didn’t matter how it went as long as it happened. But Seunghoon was better than that and he took his hand between your bodies, pressed against your clit, moved his fingers slowly, timed with his thrusts.

“Oh fuck,” you gasped, an out-of-reach orgasm suddenly seeming a whole lot closer. “Like that, please... Ah.”

It was tantalising. You could feel your walls begin to squeeze; the tight, quivering tension in your legs spread down your thighs; you felt flushed and hot and shivery. You were about to give yourself over to it, as surprised as anyone that you got there, then Seunghoon groaned and shuddered and, with a few, final, hard thrusts, came inside you and it was gone.

You sighed and Seunghoon withdrew, disappearing off into the darkness of the room to dispose of the condom (you didn’t ask where nor did you want to know) and you pushed your dress back down your legs. You didn’t know what was supposed to happen now; you hadn’t done this before. You weren’t expecting him to care, to be interested in you, to offer you anything more than you’d already got. You smoothed your dress and turned to open the door when he said your name.

“You want a drink or something?”

You turned and he smiled at you.

“Sure.”

But you didn’t make it to the bar. You were moving around the edge of the writhing mass when an arm grabbed you and stopped you in your tracks.

“Where the fuck have you been?!” Taehyung shouted, but you still couldn’t quite hear him over the noise. He leant in closer and repeated his question. “We’ve been looking for you! Where did you go?!”

You gestured vaguely towards the bar.

“I’m fine, babe!” you answered, even though that hadn’t been the question. “I’m getting a drink!”

There was another hand at your other elbow. Seunghoon had returned and was looking between the two of you.

“Is he bothering you?” he asked, looking Taehyung up and down.

Taehyung’s face darkened and he pulled you a little harder away from Seunghoon.

“Who the fuck is this guy?”

“Don’t worry! This is Teddy; he’s my friend! Teddy, this is Seunghoon.”

Taehyung couldn’t hide his surprise and it stuck in you, this prickling feeling that said his surprise wasn’t because this behaviour was unlike you, but because it was unlike any man to show any interest in you. He was surprised not that you did it but that you managed to do it.

Seunghoon visibly relaxed and extended a hand to Taehyung with a smile. Taehyung returned a frown and dragged you further still, so far in fact, that you were staggering, being pulled through the crowd. You shrugged at Seunghoon, called a light ‘sorry!’ to him before turning in the direction you were being led.

“Hyunjin and I are going to head home; are you coming?”

“No, thanks. I’m going to stay.”

Taehyung chewed on the words in his mouth for a moment.

“I think you should come home.”

“I’m having fun.”

“I don’t want to leave you on your own, love.”

“I’m a grown woman, Teddy! I can take care of myself!”

“I know you can, but I want you to come home with us. I want to know you’re ok!”

His concern was grating on you, rubbing off your fake joie de vivre, cutting through this shiny surface to your miserable core. You didn’t want that, didn’t want to be cared for. You wanted to be wanted. Seunghoon wanted you, at least for tonight, at least for one more drink. That was what you wanted. But you’d been punctured now. The little balloon keeping your head held high was deflating. You shrugged, nodded, let him lead you outside to where Hyunjin was waiting with a taxi.

You made them drop you at your own apartment. The very last thing you wanted was to hear them having sex, to see them together in the morning, all bed-hair and sleepy smiles. You lay in your bed and ran the night over in your mind, replaying it, making sure it was secure there, that you would remember it, remember it exactly as it happened. That it had been that easy to walk up to someone and have them want you. That you were worth something after all. You fell asleep quickly, the memory of Seunghoon’s smile as he asked you for a drink the last thing you remembered.

You repeated this experience weekly, sometimes more than weekly. It was a thing to look forward to, a bright spark in your dreary existence. That could have made you feel pathetic (it did), but you were still pushing all of that aside, trying not to engage with the part of your brain that said all those things to you. It was still there, yammering away, gnawing at you when you had a quiet moment or in the darkness of your bedroom as you tried to sleep.

You didn’t bother telling your therapist because you didn’t want to hear what she had to say; you didn’t talk about it with Taehyung either. You could feel his eyes on you sometimes, hear his mind working on what to say to you, how to broach the topic. He had never known you single before San ended things; he had no prior experience to draw on to know if this was normal for you or not. You were happy to keep it that way.

You were lying on his sofa, groaning and whining in the midst of a thumping hangover.

“I thought you had dinner with Yoongi yesterday?” Taehyung asked as he placed a hot, sweet, and milky coffee on the table in front of you.

“I did,” you replied, your voice muffled in the cushions. “I went out after.”

“Oh, you and Yoongi went out?”

“No, just me.”

You ignored his pause.

“I feel like you’ve been doing that a lot recently, eh?”

You shrugged.

“Yoongi didn’t want to go out with you?”

You shrugged again.

“I didn’t ask.”

Taehyung’s eyebrows reached his hairline.

“Not a good wingman, huh?”

You shrugged again. You hadn’t asked Yoongi to go out with you because you didn’t want him to come, to see what you were up to. You didn’t want him to witness that desperation. You didn’t know what he would think; you cared about what he thought. This was a new way of coping for you. Was it Yoongi’s, too? Did he behave like this? You would have guessed no. You felt pre-emptively judged for it, despite the fact that the only thing he’d ever made you feel judged for was your carelessness in the kitchen, and that was affectionate. This was your sordid, little secret. Semi-secret.

“You’re being safe, though, aren’t you?”

“Obviously. I’m not stupid.”

“Just checking.”

You could feel the bubble in your chest, rising in your throat, wanting to say more, wanting to let everything fall out of your mouth at breakneck speed in the way you always did. You wanted to say, look, I can be wanted! I’m fine and what I’m doing is fine because it’s what I want! You wanted to say, this was your idea in the first place! I’m going out and finding people to fuck—isn’t that what you said I should do? Well, I’m doing it! And it’s working!

Maybe.

You didn’t know if it was working. You didn’t know what it meant for it to work. You didn’t have a larger goal; every time, it was just to feel wanted for that one night. It was to show to yourself, again and again, that you could be. You supposed at some point that it would start to sink in, maybe the message would stick around beyond the moment you fell asleep; maybe you would wake up and still feel satisfied. Not yet, though. It hadn’t yet.

“As long as it’s making you happy, babygirl.”

Nothing made you happy.

“Thanks for the coffee.”

You sat up and took a sip, hoping that would be an end to it. Subject over.

Against all odds, and despite the fact that it was the last thing you wanted, Yoongi was the one you ended up talking to about it.

You were sitting on a stool at his kitchen counter while he cooked. You were hungover, so drinking only water. The weeks of your lonely, empty nights out were starting to wear on you. Where you had thought they would eventually make you feel fuller, they actually made you feel emptier. It left you a little hollower each time now. It was a little less fun, a little less satisfying—even if the sex was good. Which it often wasn’t.

“Hey, babe, can I ask you something?”

Yoongi turned from the stove to look at you.

“Have you slept with anyone since you and your ex broke up?”

His cheeks coloured.

“You mean apart from you?”

Your cheeks heated and you were grateful that he turned his attention back around and you only had to look at his back.

“Yeah.”

“No, I haven’t.”

“Is that deliberate?”

“What do you mean?”

“Well, are you deliberately not sleeping with anyone or are you like, dating, you want to sleep with people but it’s just, I don’t know, not working out?”

He turned again, his face a frown of confusion. You were used to the way he didn’t answer immediately but he left it long enough this time, blinking, his eyes calculating, that you didn’t know if he would answer. Then he shrugged.

“I haven’t really tried,” he said. “I’m not that-…” He shrugged again. “I’m not that interested right now.”

You nodded. You didn’t have him pegged as the one-night stand type, though you weren’t sure why, given that he slept with his ex on their first date and you shortly after their break-up when you barely knew each other. Maybe it was just that you felt like he deserved more than that; your shallow, empty experiences were wearing you out and you didn’t want that for him. You didn’t want him to be hot and sweaty and inside a woman whom he would forget in the morning, who would forget him, too. You wanted him to have that making-love kind of sex that you had all but forgotten by now. That deep, slow intimacy, with nowhere else to be, indulgent and luxurious.

You were losing yourself in the thought, in trying to remember what that was like, being held by someone, fucked by someone who loved you, the tiny soft touches, the slow kisses, the sweet, sparkling look in their eye. In contrast to that, your recent endeavours seemed nauseatingly cold. You were beginning to face up to the fact that their time—your time, with this useless, stupid, compulsive behaviour—was running out.

You were so lost in thought that when Yoongi fired the question back at you, you answered before you could think.

“Yeah, loads of people,” you said with a dejected sigh. “It’s depressing actually. I thought it was making me feel better, but I think I feel worse than ever. And I already knew it was a bad idea because I have not told my therapist about it. And that’s how you know! If you don’t want people to know what you’re doing, there’s a reason for that and the reason is usually: you should not be doing it.

“It was fun at first. Really fun, actually. The sex was mediocre but it was a new thing for me; I hadn’t done the whole, one-night stand, hook-up, sex in a public bathroom thing before so it was novel and exciting and I was just so relieved that people weren’t disgusted by me, y’know? It sounds so ridiculous when I say it out loud now, which is why I haven’t, because I didn’t want it to be taken from me. I wanted to do something stupid and reckless and kind of fun – even though I knew it wasn’t right in the long-run – but now I’ve done it and I’m looking at myself and I feel like I need a shower. I thought I was proving to myself that I was worth something but I think I still feel completely worthless.”

You were babbling, again, falling back so easily into the habit of letting everything fall out of your brain, straight onto the plate, raw and unfiltered and unknown to you before it was already in your mouth. You hadn’t meant to say any of it. You wished you could suck it back. Yoongi still had his back to you so at least you didn’t have to watch his face, see his reaction. You looked into your glass of water and wished it were wine. You took a gulp anyway.

“Sorry, didn’t actually mean to say any of that!” You laughed awkwardly and sat up a little straighter. “It’s been my weird secret that’s not a secret. I think Teddy is dying to tell me off for it or give me a concerned lecture at least. Just wasn’t ready to hear any of it so I’ve avoided it. But, I don’t know... maybe now I need to be told or have it confirmed at least that, surprise surprise, this won‘t fix me. Surprise, it was all bad...

“It’s not even that the sex was bad. Or well, a lot of it was. A real string of duds, actually, recently.” You hadn’t meant to start but now you couldn’t stop, not until it was all gone, purged, exorcised. “I thought it was just that. Bad sex is bad sex, of course it’s not going to be satisfying or make you feel good. It wasn’t me. It wasn’t my problems; it was just bad sex! But then this last guy? That was good. It was good. But it didn’t seem to matter how good I felt physically; the old, yawning chasm of misery was still there. Poor guy. Giving me his best moves and then, of course, because it’s me... I cried.”

Yoongi choked slightly on his drink.

“You cried during sex?”

“No! No, after. Thank god. I was just really overwhelmed by how shit I felt, in contrast to how good the sex had been.” You snorted, rolling your eyes at yourself. “He was sweet about it, bless him. He was nice. That made me feel even worse. I could finally no longer delude myself that it was working or that I was enjoying myself. That shit is not what I want. What I want is a guy to be nice to me, especially nice, especially me, all the time, right? And he was being nice to me but I still felt so sick and empty.” You rolled your eyes again, hearing yourself saying all this out loud, facing your own stupidity. “Why is it that you do that? General ‘you’, I mean, people. You do things that you know aren’t good? You do things that don’t make you feel better? You know something is a bad idea and you do it anyway and then you go, oh, yeah, that was a really bad idea! It’s not just me, is it? I can’t be the only one.”

“Of course it’s not just you.” His voice was gentle, no hint of reproach but the mildest titter of laughter. He moved around you, getting plates and bowls from the cupboard, moving between the kitchen and the dining table. “You know about my last relationship; wasn’t I doing the exact same thing? Didn’t make me feel better; I knew she wasn’t good for me; she made me miserable. Stayed with her anyway.”

“Ugh,” you said with real feeling as you got off your stool and took a seat at the table. “Are we back to being broken-heart losers again? This sucks.”

Yoongi laughed.

“I think I told you at the time that you weren’t a loser and I wasn’t broken-hearted.”

“So you’re a loser and I’m broken-hearted? … Yeah, that kind of tracks.”

“Hey!”

You smiled, grateful to him, as you often were. Always were. You felt like a huge weight had been lifted off you, that you’d told someone, that you’d spoken about it, that he understood. He always understood and that still surprised you. It shouldn’t have. It was Yoongi, after all. Yoongi was The One Who Understood, the one who got you. Whatever your souls were made of, that whole thing, that was you and Yoongi. You were one and the same. You wondered, not for the first time (and not for the last), what it was that put him in your path, or you in his. Baking, sure, but why then, why that class, why was the only space next to you? Why were you so craven in your desperation for his friendship? Why did he mean something to you when you knew nothing about him? You didn’t have the answers, probably never would, but you offered up a little thank you to the universe; you already didn’t know what you’d do or how you’d come this far without him.

Chapter Five | Masterlist

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