#seeking happiness is not only healthier but makes you not a shit person to be around

[silverhypnos]

Sorry, a little rant

This is a tiny bit of a rant, but I struggle so hard to be cordial with other HxH fans or fans of media in general who constantly need a "moral" reason to dislike or like any characters.

I dislike Hisoka because his pedophilic nature makes me uncomfortable and on principle, I just don't like pedo characters. But sometimes I dislike characters for non-moral reasons. And I rarely like a character for moral reasons. And I don't always feel like needing to justify that.

But I would meet people who treat disliking a character as a performative way to brand themselves as a moral person. Not only do they need a moral reason, but they get so angry when other people like morally corrupt characters. They would vocalize and question the morality of a person just for liking villains. And the worst part about it is that they are so flaky and hypocritical about it. I have met a person who went out of their way to shit on me for liking the spiders because "They are mass murderers" but they seem to love Chimera Ants. As if they didn't kill a bunch of people... "Killing innocent people is wrong" except it's okay when Killua did it.

The "excuse" is that he is a child from an abusive household, but something tells me if Killua was introduced as an adult, you'd have a different excuse. Now I'm not saying liking Killua is bad, he's a well-written character, and I want him to grow up happy like the rest of ya. Obviously, the reason why you don't care that Killua killed those randos for nothing is because they are nameless randos. Had those two been a person that the viewer had time to care about, some of you might care. When you care about a character, if a character hurts them, you might hate that character. Likewise, when your favorite character hurt someone, out comes with all of the excuses. This is nothing new, every fandom is like this. I don't have an issue with people not liking the Spiders. (I only have a pet peeve when they do the blame game of blaming Chrollo for all of the Spider's crime but not the whole Spiders.) I get that most people who hate the spiders are a big Kurapika fan. I also like Kurapika a lot, but I also like Spiders a lot too. So I just choose to suffer. Likewise, if you project yourself onto characters, you are more likely to defend that character's actions. When you project a person you don't like onto a character, you are more likely to hate that character to an absurd degree. You're going to headcanon that character in the worst way possible, even if they aren't guilty of the thing you've projected them to be. I can't speak for everyone, but I like well-written villains, and I don't believe in justifying a villain's actions. I like to see a villain develop, and I like to see how the author handles the villain's downfall. I don't like characters to performatively display my moral standings. I don't want to argue with people about why it's okay for me to like villains. But a lot of people who love to show off how moral they are through the media they watch instead of like, ya know, donating to causes, working at facilities that aid the homeless, etc... (And yes, not to humble brag but I've done those things) Some of y'all can be so difficult to be cordial with. It's one thing if the person started to directly harass you first, but y'all don't need to constantly seek out people you don't like just to start an argument on the internet. Ignore the type of fans you don't like, not every disagreement has to be some dick-measuring moral competition. It would be healthier for your headspace too, constantly being angry isn't going to do you any good. Take care of your health.

[allwormdiet]

Buzz 7.6

Rod Serling: You are now entering... the Sister Zone

Sighs

Taylor I know this is deeply personal and private stuff, but you are explicitly the one who brought all of it to the forefront

I'm never gonna shed a tear for a fucking Nazi, but that doesn't mean Coil didn't still fuck this up. We see where that controlled chaos gets us in short order, and nobody's gonna be happy with it.

This doesn't go anywhere due to the ensuing violence, but it's a sweet thought

Oh boy.

Oh hey, remembering actions have consequences, good job Taylor. Might've helped if you'd gotten here sooner, but oh well.

It's pretty funny how poorly Sophia has read Taylor. She's on some kind of "leopard can't change its spot" mentality where Taylor was pathetic and will always be pathetic. I'm not sure that was ever true, honestly; the worst chapter of Taylor's life was authored by Emma, apparently because of Sophia. Taylor's supposedly immutable nature as a cowardly vermin was imposed on her by Sophia's worldview.

Also it feels like the mark of a deeply unhealthy mentality that bleeding makes Taylor feel like the situation is easier to deal with. If Emma came at her with a knife would that make her life more bearable? Because that's fucked.

Fucked.

Well, glad to know that awkwardness aside Brian isn't going to question Taylor's recounting of her trigger event.

Well, better late than never to make your case I guess. Late still isn't great though.

And here comes the emotional damage

Man I'm judging both of you for this one, Rachel is great

I feel like Brian saying she's like a sister, when he already has a sister who is dramatically different from her, is. I don't know what it is exactly but it's definitely something. Does he want Aisha to act more like Taylor? Because I don't know that that's ever happening

Dude doesn't have a normal-sounding relationship with women from the sound of it though, honestly. Like he figures there's, what two girls and a Rachel* in his life, plus his mom who he's trying to have out of his life as much as possible? He's clearly got beef with his mother, he's trying to parent Aisha which she doesn't seem super cooperative with, and for Lisa she's something between a friend, coworker, and lieutenant. There was never a classmate he worked on projects with, even in middle school? Nothing came up at any of the prior jobs he's worked? This feels kinda like a him problem.

*Rachel is a girl unless she decides she isn't, but that's not Brian's call to make

I wonder what exactly led Lisa to think that Brian was interested in Taylor. Did she misread him entirely, or is there some level of interest or attraction that would be understood as romantic if Brian had a healthier understanding of relationships and intimacy? Some third thing? I feel like she'd need to tell us herself and God knows if that'll come up for her again.

The luxury of crying. How maddeningly bleak.

Oh boy, I bet we're going to be getting an entirely levelheaded and reasonable reaction out of the fucking Nazis!

Current Thoughts

Brian and Taylor read to me as two deeply fucked up kids who are desperately trying to defy . Brian's got abusive parents (he says his dad's not abusive but he's at best neglectful, and somehow I doubt his mom saved all the horror for Aisha during the time she was involved in raising him) and Taylor's only friend has been running like an eighteen-month campaign to systematically destroy her life.

Taylor seeks control in her life as a cape, being independent and standing tall, being too strong to fuck with. Brian seeks comfort in the belief that he remains normal, that nothing that hurt him has changed him, that he is above his trauma.

This doesn't help either of them, but nobody's giving them the means to actually deal with their shit.

Anyway, uhh, Sophia's got a batshit worldview? I dunno what's got her this way but it's clearly not good for her or, uhh, anyone around her. Maybe that's what she hooked Emma on to lead her down the "bullying Taylor" road, but why would Emma give a shit? And why would Sophia give a shit about Taylor?

Anyway. Next time, we see what the goddamn Purity stans are apparently fine with

[lylahammar]

Do you have any tips for developing a healthier relationship to being fat? I'm fat and have a uhhhhh very negative relationship with the physical appearance of my body, despite treating my body well on a physical level. I read a ton of fat liberation stuff and fat positive studies and while logically I know that being fat isn't bad and has no bearing on morality, personality, etc, I still can't seem to apply this reasoning to myself. Most of the content on the internet is geared towards cis abled woman when I'm a trans disabled man, so that probably contributes to some extent, but idk. It also doesn't help that attraction-wise I'm definitely drawn to people who are the exact opposite of me physically (tall, lanky, angular, etc). I've been trying for years to even just be okay with my appearance and none of the common advice has worked. I pretty much only feel okay with myself when I forget that I have a physical body. Your fat positive content makes me really happy and you seem to have a positive relationship with your body, so I thought it was worth asking if you had any tips for me or anyone else who might need them.

Feel free to disregard this message if it makes you uncomfortable! You don't know me and I don't want to put my feelings on you. I appreciate any response you might give, but I also don't want to breach any boundaries. I hope you have a nice day!

-🧪

Hello!! I've been thinkin about this question since you sent it yesterday, it's a very good question but also a toughie 😅 The thing to keep in mind is that internalized fatphobia isn't a problem caused by personal problems, it's almost entirely a societal thing. I've been working on my body image issues for a long long time now, and honestly sometimes I do still feel down about my fatness. BUT it gets easier and easier as you get older, I promise you that! Especially if you keep working on it. So here are some tips I can think of:

Try to consume a lot of body neutral media! For me, body positive stuff can get a little grating and actually do the opposite of its intended purpose, because the constant focus on "everyone is beautiful!! Love your fat body!" can start to feel... I don't know, like it's drawing attention to it too much, and making it less normal. I like media in which fatness is portrayed as normal and doesn't get alienated so much, even in a positive way. A few good recommendations I can think of off the cuff are Dungeon Meshi (can't help plugging my fave manga heheh, Ryoko Kui is just so loving in her portrayal of different body types), Steven Universe, Hairspray, and Porco Rosso. Couplagoofs on Instagram, tiktok, twitch and youtube are really good influencers for this, watching their content has helped me a lot with my own body image! I've heard that Shrill is a good show for fat representation, but I've only seen this one scene (which is very good) so I can't speak definitively about it's quality! If anyone else has any good suggestions, please reply with them 🙏

Stay off of tiktok until you feel more comfortable with your own body. Tiktok is kind of a trap, because it'll put a lot of really great diverse body neutral stuff on your fyp to lure you in, but then it'll shut you down with the most hateful shit you've ever seen. And if you're not on the body neutral side of tiktok, you'll be in skinny town USA thirst trap hell forever lmfao it's just like not worth it

Surround yourself with accepting people. It's especially helpful to seek out other fat/fat positive friends (especially of the queer and neurodivergent variety). Fat people are everywhere, we're way more common than society and media would have you think!! It's good to have people around you to remind you of that 😁

If you have the money for it, try going on a special shopping trip to find some clothes that make you feel really good. Go alone, unless you have someone who you feel 100% comfortable with, because this trip should be about your needs and whatever makes you feel happy with your own body. You don't need anyone else's opinion for that! I know that this bit of advice is a little cliche, but it's just what has helped me personally.

This might be just a me thing, but practicing with drawing fat bodies has probably done more for my body image than anything else. It forces you to spend a lot of time looking at fatness and really growing to understand it and accept it. I've got a pinterest board for fat poses that I've been collecting (which I've just realized only has feminine people in it, I need to fix that >:/ ). Fat Photo Reference is another good site for practice, but it requires a password, so if anyone wants to get in then just DM me! Self portraits are also a great idea for this, especially if you find fatness beautiful in other people but not yourself, like you've said! Maybe give it a shot on a day when you're feeling up to it 💛

I hope this helps!! I'm not an expert on this, so my advice might be just as cliche and unhelpful as everything else out there 😅 but this is all just from personal experience. Fatness is normal and healthy and beautiful, so I hope you can come to accept your own soon!! 🙏

[sapphire-weapon]

Hey, I'm the original 25 y/o anon and respectfully, I feel that you may have misunderstood my ask. The comparison to narcissism is a bit uncalled for, though maybe that wasn't your intention. I don't 100% agree with everything you've said, but I do understand where you've come from. I do still firmly believe that no, there is no official timeline. That's silly in my eyes. Not everyone is handed the same deck with the same privileges, experiences and opportunities. Everybody also faces curveballs too and many of them. Does that mean that they can't achieve happiness and make the best of themselves, despite arriving later to things compared to their more privileged peers? No, of course not. I've done the work and proven that to myself this year. Despite the poverty and years of trauma, I'm finally going to college to study something I'm deeply passionate about and learning to value myself and seek out healthier relationships. I'm my own evidence to prove that life doesn't have to become jaded and meaningless, just because age may be unconventional accoridng to stereotypes and capitalism. With respect, I'm sure you weren't intending to invalidate others nor throw out insults! I'm sorry to hear about your friend and her issues with having children. That's a very unfortunate thing to happen to her and I hope she finds fulfilment elsewhere if necessary, I just wanted to clear up any misunderstandings if there were any and I wish you a wonderful weekend. I really enjoy your blog and RE takes + information! Thanks for taking so much time to answer questions for newer fans.

Also, just to add, I don't accept being painted as naive. My life has been LONG lol and I've learned a lot the hard way. I am an experienced adult, but I may have wrongly misinterpreted you too! No hard feelings at all, just clearing the air and I hope I haven't accidentally brought negativity to you or your ask box, it wasn't my intention. Just wanted to share my new found lease on life, which I think everyone is deserving of.

So, just as like a blanket statement: if I'm responding to an ask, I'm only directly addressing the asker. My "it's narcissistic" comment wasn't meant to retroactively apply to you -- only to the person who left the ask implying that having a worldview that's anything other than "you can do anything at any point" is pessimistic.

In truth, I don't know why you sent the original ask or what you were responding to, because I've long since made peace with where I'm at in life and the opportunities I've missed, which is why I only talked about the saying in a general sense instead of having a more pointed conversation.

The "no official timeline" thing is something that I think is good to have in the back of your mind when you're looking in retrospect/reflecting on your life. It's not a good thing to carry around with you pre-emptively. "So you got to shit later than society thinks is normal lmao w/e who cares, you did the thing and that's what matters" is way different from "You don't have to do this right now, fuck it, there's no official timeline" -- and the latter is the mindset that I was addressing. It does encourage learned helplessness by reinforcing someone's avoidant tendencies. That's why I don't like people reaching for that as a platitude by default.

And that's also why I made it a point to say I was using a generalized, ubiquitous "you" in my response to your original ask -- because I don't know your story, so I wasn't responding/can't respond to your situation specifically. All I could do/did do was respond to the impulse to tell someone "don't worry about it, you don't need to do a thing right now."

My response to that will always be: If not now, when? And if there's actual barriers to entry for a thing, my follow-up question will be: Are you making a good faith effort to break through those barriers, or are you just building up a wall of excuses that you can hide behind and feel safe?

I will always encourage someone to act rather than wait, because I have watched too many dreams fall apart and had too many friends get saddled with regret as a result.

I don't really wanna eat up any more real estate on my blog with this stuff, though.

[ghostjelliess]

TL;DR:

I wrote this story about two people climbing out of different kinds of abuses/traumas because I really hate the common romanticization of poverty and miscommunication that ignores the rippling effects it has on individual identities. But also because both hope and healing are practices that so often begin in the shame and humiliation of self-reflection, and in the space between two people trying to love despite their walls and scars, sometimes it's not toxic, it's just trauma, and it takes a little more than courage to fight themselves to get back to each other.

Still TL;DR [plain text—i.e. not trying to sound fancy]:

I'm bitter about authors using poverty as a story setting and never addressing the actual shit you have to get through to even start the climb out (from personal experience, not trauma-p00rn); and also when Fiancé and I were at our worst, the general advice, despite our actual adult problems (unexpected joblessness, moving states, major health issues (the big-C and others), etc.), was always some version of "it's time for a breakup" and that just really pissed me off. So I thought, now that we're pretty stable and happy on the other side (it's going on 13 years now, for context), a lot of people must also be struggling with the difference between toxic relationship and individual traumas, and it turns out this is the basic theme of all my work because I'm so much healthier as a person but still a bit rage-y at the give up mentality. Especially now that I have the "happily ever after" or whatever bullshit on the other side of all that healing to prove that it was worth it. You don't just get a ride-or-die partner, you gotta forge that shit, and it sucks, and it hurts, and it's not fun, and I'm sick of stories making the first kiss so hard and everything after easy. So here: the first kiss is easy. The fifth? Harder. The tenth? Impossible. The twentieth? Let's see.

The Long Version:

I actually started writing the idea of this story in San Diego in 2015, after a friend and I had a long conversation about growing up in different kinds of extreme poverty, and the role religion and culture had on navigating it (him in São Paulo, me in MI). We talked about how irritating it was to come from these places that ripped us to pieces to leave, but corroded those who stayed—the weight of the choices to leave dependent families, and the loneliness that followed. We both ended up in southern California the same way, escaping the same pasts for different reasons, seeking hope and stumbling on opportunity.

We talked about what it meant to recover from that kind of poverty, especially with partners who could only viscerally relate, and how hard it can be to balance our new selves and relationships with the old world left behind, when the people we loved the most or the longest still remain there. How do you rebuild yourself when you recognize your armor is made only of rage you can't put down? How do you return to that conditional home if you don't want to cut them off entirely, only to see them willingly breaking down more and more, even as you know you can't save them. What do you do with the guilt when you outgrow it? How do you reevaluate yourself and your past choices when your present identity would no longer make them, but you can't regret them either. How do you process shame when it's not really yours, but something taught to you, embedded in the core of you, and when you rip it out and nothing happens—how do you escape the hatred or pity for the people who planted it there?

I've always been fascinated by human change and our obsession with identity as a result of survival. In my own relationship, I struggled to forgive my worst self, even when my partner had already moved on and was encouraging me to be the person I wanted to be. We hurt each other in love. He and I used to use the metaphor of porcupines getting too close, quills stabbing accidentally as we worked through our traumas. There's a lot of past trauma between two people sometimes, it might even be what made them pause and look deeper at each other in the first place—because someone finally understood them, and by the time they meet each other in the middle and decide to move forward together, they don't always have it figured out on their own yet. Lord knows we didn't. It can look toxic, it can even be toxic sometimes, but like people, relationships change and grow.

I'm not advocating for toxic relationships by the way, especially not internet-toxic. I'm saying that sometimes processing our own traumas poorly and coping with mechanisms meant to survive, not grow, made us individually toxic to ourselves, which added poison to the environment as we shifted around each other and tried to breathe. I read somewhere that most couples only have 5-7 actual discrepancies between them and all of their fights can be filed under one larger issue that's being worked out as they build the universe between them, but we were constantly navigating BIG stresses (moving states, cancer-scares, sudden homelessness due to research grants being cut, always something), so before we could work out those basic identity clashes, we had to get to a stable enough places to heal and understand our own identities, then work through whatever those few big fights were about communication and commitment and plans for the future. Now we're pretty happy, it's not that life is less chaotic, it's that we trust each other to navigate the storm, so there's less doubt and fear and stress when the waves get choppy, and we know what we've already survived together, so there's also pride and a little excitement about facing new kinds of weather (except the doldrums, we both agree those suck, but we no longer stir the water with fights just to get moving, so that's #growth if I ever saw it).

So here's to the people climbing out of poverty and looking to live away from the cold edges. Trigger warnings from my own experiences and a few shared by friends, but those CWs are for poverty, violence, abuse, and the humiliation of healing and facing ourselves, for depression and loss of identity that I cried through while editing because it belonged to me once and I gave it to a character who isn't real, and still felt guilty. The m/m lgbtq+ relationship is never the center cause of trauma, not out of ignorance, but because after talking to several lgbtq+ friends and acquaintances, I think there's enough in the world, and it's also not my trauma or experience. For me, I already knew the shape of my person, regardless of whatever their actual body looked like, and so I recognized him when he appeared, but it was so hard to keep. I wanted to write a story about the hardest part of the keeping: the believing in a future after growing up believing I wouldn't have one. But there is a shared sentiment of parental disapproval of a partner, of the expectation of who is allowed and who is not, and a projected corruption of love that so often gets handed down or not survived.

Before you roll your eyes at the dramatic depictions of futuristic violence alongside technology, please understand that where I grew up, there were gun fights at the playground, stabbings and hold-ups at a record meant for big cities, not small ones. There were affiliated gang wars, so you wore mostly grey and said it was your favorite color, and left home prepared not to return, just in case. My district high school had an 86% drop out rate (that's a 14% graduation rate, but that number gets broken up into 4 and 4+ years), so I got sent to a far-away school with kids I didn't live by, and spent summers at work or up north at the farm to keep away from the chaos, which was a privilege in many ways, but also meant I didn't keep friends through the summer. I started every school year as a stranger. I had free hot lunch but that didn't include the salads, just the greasy carbs I gave away because I have digestive problems that went unchecked (I was a Miracle Baby™ but also the cause of a marriage that maybe shouldn't have). Our family was a mess of hierarchy orders passed from aunties and grandmas, playing mom for siblings and cousins, prepping dinners alone and learning all the ladylike ways to clean up after, between lulling sermons about women's original sin and fault and a bunch of misogynistic/culty/SA personal traumas I don't wanna talk about here that are irrelevant to this work. I had health issues and teeth problems, and thought I might as well go to university since I worked for great scholarships, and figured I wouldn't get past 30 years old anyway.

The governor canceled the state scholarship ($18k) after university enrollment was processed, but kindly allowed for delayed FAFSA applications, what a total sweetheart. I studied forensic anthropology for a while and answered exam questions about all the ways my teeth would kill me before I completed my degree since the hood had left me standing. I learned how all the people I'd seen die had been ripped apart by calibers and steel tips, and found closure in the analysis of bones, no longer haunted by neighborhood ghost stories because now I understood how to piece them together from the remains, but I also learned why those stories weren't ever in the news—because the corruption ran deeper than the poverty.

I learned about genocides, and mass graves, and ancient burial practices, and all the ways humans grieve the same, and then I studied other things like homeless networks, and linguistics, and why this one shelter had such a low recidivation rate (this was my thesis and, if you're curious, it was [arguably] because recovered individuals volunteered in such high/regular numbers as an emerging rite-of-passage expectation that provided hope to new occupants while simultaneously retaining the context of what those volunteers didn't want to go back to (consistently reminding them of what they recovered from or overcame), while other shelters focused on removing individuals from their homeless-network out of fear of that temptation/context, which isolated them and increased the return to past behaviors). I was so far behind my peers by graduation, it was laughable, they had health insurance and reliable bodies, I had broken ribs and ankles and teeth, broken car, broken networks because I spent all my waking hours between three jobs and 19 credit-hours so I could graduate as soon as possible and not get more of those heavily encouraged FAFSA loans, they hadn't even searched whether their loans were inheritable or not before taking them; they didn't know what the giant phone-book-sized scholarship reference books at the public library were; they had no context of their privilege, and honestly, at the time, I had little understanding of my poverty or privileges either. But when I finally left, it was with a person beside me who wanted to explore with me, who wanted me to live past 30, and I'd never considered that an option before, but now I wanted it too.

This is becoming a personal history bordering on a love letter, but it's been a long road of mental recovery, of feeling behind, of being hurt by things I'd never considered problematic as I continue to grow and reframe myself in the world. Of casually referencing something I thought was funny or normal and registering the shock or horror on a friend's face and thinking: oh noooo, Krista, you done fucked up, that's one of those messed up things you're not supposed to talk about, like the blowflies, or that saliva is filtered blood. Now I'm 33 and healthy for the first time in my life, just in time for grey hairs to start (the big streaky patch faded after the last surgery healed, it's fine; I only freaked out a little), and I just wanted to get a story out in the world on my own terms. I didn't think too hard. I wrote it by hand (8 Muji notebooks in a row!), then edited while I typed, then posted! It was scary. I usually edit it into a grave. I'll probably come back to edit Part I after finishing Part III.

Is it the best thing I've ever written? No, but I think it's one of the most honest. Poverty sucks the hope out of people and sometimes they remember what hope feels like, but they forget to teach their kids. Sometimes they blame their kids for taking it; sometimes they saddle their kids with getting them out of it. We so often glamorize life on the edge: do or die, ride or die, live fast die young, Achilles our eternal idol, but it's exhausting. So I started plotting out a few storylines that start in those attractive, gilded spaces: the mafia boss, the gang lord, the street racer, the drug runner, the hopeful academic betting it all on their own fading prodigy, etc. and then I stripped away the glitter and neon glow and thrumming bass that all cover up the open wounds, and I gave them bandages and each other instead.

I hope you like it.

If you come from a similar place, I hope you recognize it: the growth you did, the work you're doing, the energy you spend on hope that others got for free. And if you're in that lonely place of just facing your worst self, of realizing how heavy the guilt or shame or grief is no matter where you came from, please remember that you can grow around it, you can be stronger than it, and when it's too hard, you can set it down for a while. Healing is humiliating, there's no other way around it. But it becomes a powerful compost—you can grow whatever you want out of it. That's what keeps me turning the soil to be honest, the curiosity of what will grow. So far it's empathy, and love, and a hope like dandelions.

I hope you keep growing, despite the journey or because of it, I hope you prevail too.

☆

Writing and publishing are two different things. I wrote this story slowly in my head, then all at once with a billion pens and seven notebooks. I typed and edited and drew covers and posted all at once. It’s a challenge to myself, to get my work out of myself. I did not hold it to the same expectation as the work I am querying or hoping to traditionally publish. I did not edit it fifty times. Not because I don’t value it, but because I struggle with the toxic side of perfectionism, and I’m working on meeting myself in the middle. I will fix errors as I go, I will find typos and things that I can’t fix as it stays, and I’m working on accepting that it’s okay. It’s okay to love something messily, it’s okay to share something imperfectly, it’s okay to connect hopefully. So while it’s not nearly as big or grand a reason as why I wrote this story, I published it to this website because I need to practice revealing myself and my work, and wow, it’s hard.

But I am also posting it because this whole world started with Y (who you haven’t met yet if you’re reading this in order), which was a letter-filler for a character I didn’t have flushed out yet, and that just became her name. We’ll get to her story eventually—I have a little more personal healing to do before I can write out that one. Whenever I’m self conscious about posting characters to the void, I just think of some of her manically unhinged one-liners and the pride overwhelms the fear and I feel good about it again. I hope reading these characters as they grow makes you laugh and cry as much as I did writing them! 💖

[bonebrokebuddy]

If I’m not able to pull up the DSM-5 and check off at least half of the criteria for autism when reading a Batman run, then I believe the author fundamentally misunderstands Batman’s character.

It’s not that I’m saying Bruce should be autistic. What I am saying is that if Bruce is not at least neurodivergent-coded then he ultimately loses nearly all of his most defining habits and personality traits. Expecially the ones that are shown through interacting with other characters & internal dialogue.

[missmentelle]

Am I a bad friend for being overwhelmed by my friend's severe depression/abandonment issues and wanting a break sometimes? I'm the only one they can lean on and I do my best to help them but sometimes I just don't know what to do because nothing seems to help them and I can't always be available without neglecting my own mental health/my work. I spend at least 90% of my free time and some of my time at work when I'm able to text assuring them every day that they're not worthless and giving them reasons why I like them/reasons why they shouldn't commit s****** after they rant to me and ask me "Why?" about those things. They refuse to seek out therapy (Even though their insurance fully covers it) and acknowledge that they can be toxic but refuse to change and instead always just say stuff like "I'm sorry, I know I'm a piece of shit, I should just die". Any advice? :/

Thanks in advance, if you get to this question!

You definitely aren’t a bad friend for being overwhelmed by this. I think anybody would be in your situation. 

It really sucks that your friend is going through this right now, but one person cannot be a 24/7 support for a person in crisis. It’s just not doable. Trying to give someone constant support without a break will burn anyone out, especially if that person is not willing to take steps to help themselves. It’s great that you want to be there for your friend, but they also need to meet you halfway - they need to take responsibility for their own mental health, be willing to consider other resources, and understand that it’s not personal when friends sometimes need a break or can’t be available 24/7. That can be very difficult for people with severe mental illness, but they need to find a way to manage it; making threats of suicide or saying dark things like “I’m a huge piece of shit and I should just die” whenever one of their supports needs a break is hugely manipulative, and it’s not okay. 

I am a mental health professional with a lot of training to help people in crisis, and I still can’t be a 24/7 support for someone in crisis without quickly burning out. When I work with people who have very high mental health needs, I don’t do it alone - I work with a large team, so that we can make sure this person has support they need at various hours of the day, and so that no one person feelings like they are alone in supporting this person. We never break boundaries; if it’s my day off or if I’m meeting with another client and the person in crisis desperately wants to speak with me, they have to make do with one of their other supports or wait until I am available again. Having just one support is not an option for these clients - they have to work with us to establish a network of supports so that they have different people to turn to if their preferred support is not available. Again, I understand that it might be hard for your friend to accept other supports, but they need to do it - leaning this hard on just you is not good for either of you. It’s setting you up for some serious burnout, and it’s setting them up to not have any supports at all once that happens. 

Every relationship needs boundaries. Period. A boundary is not a sign that you don’t care about the other person - it’s a sign that you care about yourself. Helping someone in crisis is great, but if the person has so many constant, ongoing crises that helping them prevents you from functioning properly in your own life, some boundaries need to be be put in place. Spending 90% of your free time talking the same person out of suicide over and over again is unsustainable. People in a severe mental health crises can sometimes be like drowning people; if you try to help them all by yourself, they will drag you under the water with them, which helps no one and endangers both of you. Your own mental health needs to be your top priority here - although it might feel cruel at first to put boundaries in place, it’s necessary if the relationship is going to survive in the long run, and it can sometimes give the other person the push they need to access resources. 

When you’re in a situation where you’re burnt out from helping someone in crisis and you desperately need to set some boundaries, here’s what I recommend:

Have an open conversation about the situation. This won’t be an easy conversation, but sometimes it just has to be done. Tell your friend that you want to support them and you want to be there for them, but that you’re feeling a bit overwhelmed. Tell them that you want them to get the best support possible, but that you aren’t a mental health professional and that they deserve support from an expert who is trained to provide it. Remind them that you need space sometimes and that it’s not a personal attack or a rejection of them, it’s just something you need for yourself. Do your best to lay out your feelings and express your desire to work together with them to move forward in a healthier, more productive way. 

Commit to having “off-times”. There need to be certain hours every day where you take a break and just don’t reply to texts or answer your phone. Expecting you to be available at all times is just not reasonable. Don’t answer your texts during work hours, during meals, during your sleeping hours (even if you aren’t asleep) and for at least an hour before you want to go to bed. Give yourself time to relax, wind down and take some time for yourself. Your friend might be upset about this at first, but it’s important to be strict with this boundary - you need time to yourself. Period. 

Carve out time for your hobbies, friends and rest. Make sure you are spending time each week that is just for you - watch a favourite show, read a book, Skype call with other friends, play some video games, take a nap. Do whatever makes you happy. And while you’re taking time for yourself, enforce your boundaries - you can’t enjoy watching a movie if you are texting someone in crisis all the way through it and not actually watching the show. Remember that you don’t need to justify time you take for yourself - it’s not that the movie is “more important” than your friend, it’s that your own mental health is your first priority. 

Seek out social support for yourself. It’s very common for people to let other friendships and relationships drop when they are spending most of their time supporting someone in crisis. Don’t. Make sure you are spending time on other relationships that are more of a mutual source of support for you. Becoming isolated for the sake of one friend is not healthy - take steps to protect and nurture your other relationships. 

Get their other friends and family on board, if possible. Supporting a person in crisis has to be a team effort, especially if that person is making threats of suicide. One person cannot keep them safe all on their own. If you know that this person has other friends or family in their life that could be a source of support, it might be time to reach out to them and let them know how serious your friend’s situation has become. Multiple people coordinating to support one person is always better than one person going it alone. 

Encourage them to access other supports. I know that your friend does not want to seek outside supports, but there comes a time when that stops being a reasonable option for someone who has outside supports available. From the sounds of it, your friend passed that point a long time ago. Again, remind your friend that you are not a professional and that you are worried you can’t give them the help they need. Offer to assist them in locating appropriate supports. If they get upset when they are unable to reach you right away, remind them of professional or alternative supports available, and explain that they need to contact those resources when they cannot reach you. Keep directing them to other supports - therapists, hotlines, 911, etc - that can provide more comprehensive support than you can, and stick to your boundaries. 

Don’t engage with their manipulative behaviour. When someone constantly and consistently threatens suicide or says things like “I get it, I’m the worst, I’m a piece of shit, I deserve nothing and I should just die” whenever they are called out for their toxic behaviour, that’s a form of manipulation. As hard as it might be, you can’t give in to it - when they know this kind of manipulation works, they’ll keep using it, and they won’t change their toxic behaviour or take steps to address their mental health. When your friend is being manipulative, set firm boundaries. Tell them that they don’t seem to be in a good headspace for this conversation and that you’ll talk to them when they seem more able to discuss their harmful behaviour. If they make direct threats of suicide, tell them you are concerned for their safety and that you think it would be best for them to call 911. Do not engage further, just keep directing them to outside supports.  

Setting boundaries with someone who has severe mental health struggles is hard. It’s so hard. And honestly... it won’t always go well. Sometimes people are very understanding, and talking to them about boundaries makes them realize that it’s time to start taking their mental health more seriously... but I think it’s more common for people to view boundaries as a personal attack, at least in the beginning. I get my fair share of hate mail from people who inform me that I must “hate the mentally ill” because I preach setting boundaries. This is a very emotional topic for a lot of people, and unfortunately, conversations about it will not always go well.  When someone is used to having unlimited access to you and they are used to being able to shut down any conversations about how their actions might be toxic, suddenly having you put boundaries in place can feel like a slap in the face. That doesn’t mean that you should give in or relax your boundaries, though - what you are asking for is not unreasonable. No relationship should be causing you this much stress or possibly threatening your livelihood (especially in a global pandemic with an unemployment crisis), and you are not a bad person for needing a break and room to breathe. Your friend might come around and accept your boundaries after a while, or they might not. Either way, you need to protect your own mental health - it’s up to them to decide whether they are willing to continue with a relationship where they are no longer allowed to run you into the ground.  Best of luck to you! MM

[papers4me]

Fruits Basket, SE02, Ep25 (Season Finale)

ah~ I finished furuba’s Season 2..T_T.. now my life is empty..that’s a good ep!

- A moment with yuki:

I think there’s sth I still don’t understand abt yuki’s tohru-mom feelings...I thought that yuki after acknowledging such feelings, will slowly build a healthier, more equal relationship with tohru  & the only reason he didn’t tell her is cuz he wants her to be ready & not worry. So today, it makes sense that he comes & tells tohru he stood up for himself & was scared but made it! he’s proud of himself & tohru should be proud of him, too. Also, it helps tohru let go of worrying abt him & realize his growth. All amazing!!! However, the scene was depicted in a way that screams, “look mommy, I’ did it!” rather than a friend reaching out & proudly telling a friend. it really cemented the mom-son dynamics. I felt “awe look at him proudly telling his mom” sth I thought, we’ll be slowly moving away from towards more equal dynamics. Yuki was drawn extra thin & he was leaning as if he was waiting for a head pat. Nothing is wrong with yuki wanting motherly feels since he never got one but i felt nothing changed between them. yuki still below tohru. I mean he’ll never be able to repay her kindness. true. but I thought the story will let us see him standing taller bit by bit, y’know? I know he still calls her honda-san & perhaps him finally calling her “tohru” is when they’re equal..but shouldn’t he move slowly towards that? rather than suddenly coming & thanking her for being his much needed mother figure? why is this scene depicted with extremely strong mother-son feel? could it be cuz yuki is still putting tohru in a pedestal? he told momiji “did u do sth worthy of honda-san’s praise” as if tohru isn’t the person who praises momiji for a cute uniform or kyo for making a standard riceball. hmm, maybe yuki can’t be equal to her if he still sees her as the sky or an angel or someone who desperately needs protection. tohru is precious to him & he’ll protect her with his life, but I thought he’ll do so as a friend, not as a son. Maybe SE03 is abt him learning to see tohru as a normal, lacking but still amazing person? I’d love to see that!!

- Shigure ( the main character ):

It’s always forgotten that this goofy, good for nuthin dude is a main character. But once he turns dark & reveals his face, no doubt that this guy is the plot’s leader! Shigure doesn't do lengthy inner monologues, nor his actions are easy to read. Mayuko is right “ he is like a ripple in the water” .The stages of shigues’s emotions:

Bitter: “why not let yuki take responsibility & tend for akito?” mocking akito’s bedridden status over yuki’s defiance. “ why u ask abt tohru in the phone?” & proceeds to mock kureno for calling. Tohru would never answer the phone first. “ you’re featherbrained” cruelly mocking him using a pun on his zodiac while suspecting he isn’t one anymore. Only shigure is capable of such salt!

Silent Anger: looking at akito as she rants abt him not coming to her first! not choosing her first. while she’s the one who didn’t choose him. “you’re one to talk�� Epic!! “ what do you want from her?” shigure had no right intruding on kureno’s business with tohru. but he’s too angry to behave. Kureno answers like a good boy.

Refusing to play blind: hatori looking for excuses for akito’s behavior within the curse’s lore. Shigure fires back with “haven’t u ever felt sth off with kureno?”. They all did. “ Ah~at long at last” not even waiting for kureno to say first.

Sticking his finger in open wounds: “don’t accept it?scared? sad? emotionally attached to the bond?” Verdict: “devious” he’s calling out  hatori & kureno both!

Embracing himself with no regrets: “ weak, intolerant, worthless, worst kind of man”. He embodies his own description of himself as he talks to kureno over the phone & sends tohru. “ see you later” only the worst kind of man uses tohru like that. sending her with no clue to an emotional shock. He wants the situation to escalates. He’ll use tohru if he have to. Let’s see if kureno’s “kindness” spares tohru the pain or if it tears her heart apart as it has been tearing everybody, kureno induced!

-Akito’s manipulating tactics start to backfire:

“ I speak cruelly of you, You know I don’t say it out of spite” very typical sentence abusers say to further their grasp around others. Insult them cruelly, then play the kind apologetic card. It makes the other person linger longer. “X didn’t meant it. X actually cares. X just lost control”. It happens in domestic abuse cases all the time.. it never changes..it never stops. Akito knows when she’s loosing her grip on someone. she feels it. Her ego doesnt let her acknowledge it. However, seeing akito’s innocent young self humanized her so much. She wasn’t despicable since birth as we’ve seen in yuki’s flashback, but here she was even more innocent than with yuki. Could it be cuz it’s from kureno’s perspective? someone older than her? or she treated older male zodiacs differently. Akito knew kureno’s curse broke as he himself did. hmm. it’s the bond, so the ruler does have a connection with the zodiacs. Akito fearing kureno’s abandonment is understandable. Akito using tears, screams, pleads & frantic behavior, “so typical of spoiled children” to get kureno to stay. It is a working tactic. A tactic that abusive adults use in toxic relationships so much & works to trap the other party to stay. Stay with me cuz you pity me, yes, but I’m the one on control. Keeping in mind akito’s age here, she looks 6? 10 maximum! is really twisted. Akito learned early one that manipulation works. She gets what she wants by playing games, whether it’s tears, pity, rage, ridicule, mockery, bets, humiliation, or sexual seduction. It reinforces her behavior that nothing can stand between her & her desires. curse or no curse. If she can keep a�� non-cursed person, then the cursed ones are way weaker to leave. This, off course doesn’t justify her abusive behavior with yuki/ kyo/ momiji/ kisa/ rin/ haru/ hatori but today, we got a small window open into her psyche. The best “antagonist” is someone with irrational behavior that stems from twisted mindset! She is so interesting!

-Kureno & ( the most destructive foolish traveler):

So, kureno stayed with akito cuz he can’t turn a sad, lonely, fragile child away. Can’t bear to break her heart. The child became a woman. The woman needed him in bed, he can’t turn a sad lonely woman away. He gave in & their relationship became even more twisted with the complexity of intimacy issues. Kureno said “ arisa is the first person he ever loved on his own”. meaning that he slept with akito using the remaining feelings of attachment of his previous bond. EXACTLY as shigure said while questioning hatori’s refusal to believe the curse can break“ emotionally attached to the bond”. He continued this unbalanced sexual affair with her. completely submissive to her moods & whims. Unbalanced relationship cuz both stayed together for twisted reasons “unable to let go”, She has control over him since she’s the family head, over even his freedom outside the house, He is willingly submissive to her, choosing to not seek his happiness,  not standing up & denying her, or stopping her or telling her sth as simple as “ i want to go out to the supermarket”. content & satisfied with his dull, lifeless life. Until akito “ the sad child/ the sad woman doesn’t need him anymore??? but kureno can see that him staying by akito’s side didn’t do shit to improve anybody’s situation!!! Akito is still miserable! even before tohru appears in their lives. all the zodiacs were miserable & united in a toxic fake bond. The bond is so fake that all this time there was a fake imposter & no one dared to question. They’re so accustomed to submissive obedience that they don’t dare to hope. Only shigure. The intolerant jerk saw through it all.

-Kureno is a different kind of foolish traveler. He helped no one. Not even the person he gave his eyes to, Akito didn’t benefit from his kindness. He didn’t benefit, nor arisa, nor any zodiac. What kureno’s kindness brought him is misery. What it brought the sohma’s is enabling abuse & continuation of current toxic atmosphere. He is a more sever enabler than hatori. Hatori enabled the continuation of the curse by erasing memories & staying by akito’s bed tending for her with no life of his own. But hatori knows he’s a sinner & hatori is still chained by the bond. Kureno is free to leave. Yet, he’s still here deceiving everybody & suffering alone while pretending to be content with fake smile. Was Kureno raised to always follow orders? No personality. No needs. Still, he decides to continue even after given a chance to leave now!!!! he lost the first chance due to a promise he made while he was afraid, lonely & felt pity. Now, he knows someone there loves him (arisa), he has a new friend (tohru), someone flat out told him to freakin leave (shigure). Still, he feels that causing akito to break down & cry is cruel. The most passive character in the shows I’ve watched!! Kuteno is another proof of this brilliant writer! there are many kureno’s around us. hurting themselves & others by staying in the cycle of abuse. The writer is really brilliant for writing such variety of characters. Who cares if fans find him appealing or not? hot or dull? good or bad? that’s not the issue here. He fits the plot so amazingly & realistically represents real life ppl who are caught between causing immense harm & being severely harmed, between helping & ruining! Kureno just closed his own caged tight shut behind him. so foolish, so tragic!

Side Notes:

Momiji pulling tohru to his level to tell her abt his achievement is cute! I was told he’s supposed to be taller than tohru now! can’t wait to see that!

Momiji’s been dressing more mature for a while, such as the violin ep, ep24 & now. All three tops while still having so much decorations, a hint of feminine designs are still in tune with momiji’s funky spirit! Also they are NOT toddler-like clothes! at all. I’m convinced it is done on purpose!! baby is growing!

I love dark shigure!! OMG! the story take a whole other level once he turns dark & turns off the goofy mode, activating the bitter mode! He was raw with no mercy & unveiled hatori’s hidden feelings with no hesitation. He tore kureno like a vicious dog! I LOVE.

Akito’s Japaneses VA is queen! & shigure’s Japaneses VA is so amazing!! can’t wait for his American VA!!! he’s one of my faves!

the bond breaking visuals are perfect! 10/10. No words needed.

tohru does have a women’s intuition! She is the most emotionally intelligent & socially perceptive character in furuba, just as long as it’s not abt herself. XD

tohru had a flashback within a flashback! lol. flashback inception!

they gave tohru a lil bit bigger boobies than usual!! my girl is maturing, too? =D

The scene of kureno & akito’s innocent childhood & the curse lifting being cut & inserted all over the ep is EPIC!! 10/10 presentation. It gave the ep eerie & distorted feel. Exactly as both kureno & akito felt. 

The scenes of tohru realizing sth is off with kureno’s curse is 10/10.

“ how did the curse break?” tohru’s first question! wow! I thought it was good for you, I’m happy, then ask afterwards. But NO. Interesting!!!!

I love that there is NO explanation of why the curse broke!!! I hope there is NEVER any explanation!! plz don’t let it be sth magical kureno did without noticing or anything. Let it either be random to keep the suspense as we wouldn’t know who’s is next or let be sth abt the bond somehow. But not sth tohru herself needs to do!

I still don’t understand kureno much, but I find him well-written for the reasons mentioned in my post. As for akito, I still don’t know much abt her. I doubt I’ll like her easily. But I can feel that her part in the story would be so amazingly entertaining!!

Shigure is the most unique furuba character hands down!!!!! this unbelievably entertaining jerk! is hot too.

[ithehellisbucky]

Alpine

Bucky Barnes x Reader

Request: None

Word Count: 2.5k

Warnings: Fluff fluff fluff. Mentions of someone being hurt and brief discussion about the mistreatment of a cat.

Author’s Note: I haven’t written in so long, I’m so sorry. I suck at fluff apparently, which is a good note. It’s pretty short, sorry about that. Enjoy!

~

James Buchanan Barnes. The Winter Soldier. The White Wolf. Deadly assassin. Cat person.

This was a secret if you've ever seen one. A shame, constantly hanging over Bucky's head. But you honestly thought it was cute as hell. 

I mean, come on, he's the scariest dude you'll ever meet; but once you break through his surface he's the opposite of terrifying. He's like a burnt marshmallow, rough on the outside and soft on the inside.

So, when you saw his face light up as you walked by a pet store, you set your plan in motion. You are going to get Bucky a cat for his birthday, even if it kills you.

~

It was March 3rd, exactly a week before his birthday when your plan was set in motion. Presents were wrapped, plans were made, and all for the incredible payoff of jack shit.

A pair of socks and a new shirt, absolutely nothing. But the cat, the cat was everything. It was going to seal the deal. It was going to make this the best birthday ever.

His name was Alpine. The cat that Bucky had looked at every day when you passed the glass window. Alpine. A white, scrawny, orphan cat. Not a kitten, but a cat. A cat that would at least make Bucky's day, if not his year.

In the days leading up to Bucky's birthday, you slowly got everything in order. Bought more towels, blankets, and even cat food. Everything was in order, now, and all you needed was the cat.

~

March 10th. Bucky's birthday. The day he simultaneously loved and hated. In one way it reminded him of his life in the 30s, and in the other wasy it did the same, yet only it shone light on a different perspective.

You snuck out of bed at 8 AM. You were positive that Bucky would probably freak out if he woke up to an empty bed, so you wrote him a sweet note that said you were picking up a last-minute gift for him.

It was like something out of a spy movie; you wore a hoodie and sunglasses, in case Bucky went out on a morning run and spotted you (definitely not for the thrill of pretending you were in a James Bond movie).

First, you went to the pet store, not the shop where Alpine stayed, but at a giant pet store. You bought all the things that you couldn't easily smuggle into your apartment. Kitty litter, a crate, a collar, and a tiny little cat toothbrush that was far cuter than a toothbrush had any right to be.

After picking up all of the necessities, you drove to the pet shop. A smile spread onto your cheeks when you saw who was at the window.

It was Bucky, sweating like a pig from what you assumed was his early morning run. He was peering into the window and had a giant smile on his face as his lips formed baby talk (or cat talk I guess, but you assumed it sounded the same).

Waiting for a few minutes to enter the store was no problem, it would all be worth it to see Bucky have that same smile on his face, all day long. 

Once Bucky left the window, you instantly rushed into the store. The woman at the counter had a cheery (if not enthusiastic) look on her face, and you hoped that her service would be as great as her smile.

"Hi, I'm (y/n) Barnes, we spoke on the phone." You exclaim to the woman with a smile.

"Of course, you were seeking to adopt Alpine the cat; correct?" She returned with a grin.

"Yes, that is me," you pull out your ID to show her. 

"Great, it seems like you have most of the paperwork already filled out, if you could just fill out these few forms you'll be all set to take Alpine home." She cheerfully responded.

"Thank you so much." You reply, taking the clipboard she was handing you into your clutches.

It only took about 10 minutes to fill out the forms, and once you handed them to the woman at the counter she looked over them and then said: "Congratulations Mrs. Barnes, you are now a proud pet parent. Do you have a crate to take home Alpine, or would you like to purchase one."

"I have one, if you wouldn't mind that I pop into my car and go grab it." You could barely contain your excitement, just because this gift was for Bucky’s birthday it doesn’t mean that it wasn’t a present for you as well.

You ran to your car at an almost lightning-fast speed, practically walking on sunshine the whole way there.

Once you got back into the store, the clerk was standing right next to the window. On your side of the glass, there were boxes with all the cats and dogs. It was positioned in a way where the side facing the street and the side facing you was glass. The two adjacent walls were made out of wood painted grass green, and the top was open.

There were several pillows and a water bowl in there, and he seemed slightly malnourished. "He was a rescue." The woman exclaims.

"Hm?" You ask, you were too busy looking at Alpine to register what she was saying.

"His old home abused him, eventually animal control found out and rescued him. They put him in a shelter for a couple of weeks, but he was too scared to eat or interact with any of the other cats, so we thought it would be much safer and healthier to have him live here until he got adopted."He's a pretty traumatized cat; we've only had him in for about a month, and he's not a great eater. If you do decide to adopt him, you're going to have to do a lot of work to keep him happy and healthy. I would completely understand if you didn't want to adopt him now, we have several other kittens that would be great for you and your husband."

You didn't have to think at all, you already knew your response. "No thank you, my husband walks past this shop at least once every day, and he loves Alpine. Every time he comes here, his mood instantly brightens. He's been through some shit, and so has Alpine. I think that they could help each other."

Your gaze averted from the woman and down to the white cat in front of you. 

"Alright then, I'll open the crate and you can pick him up and put him there." She exclaimed. 

The moment your fingers touched his fur, the entire world became bleached in sunshine. His fur wasn't soft by any means, but that didn't matter to you. It was obvious that he wasn't taken care of that well, and you felt yourself developing more and more resentment for anyone who helped this beautiful cat become as scared and hurt as he was.

You carefully picked Alpine up and wrapped your arms around him in a way that you hoped made him feel protected. Half-expecting him to freak out and scratch you through your shirt, you were pleasantly surprised when he did none of those things. He just simply cuddled himself closer to your chest.

"He's perfect." You whispered under your breath, just enough to make the women smile lightly.

Gently placing Alpine in the crate, you smile at his small paws prodding around the new space. He mews, and your eyes light up even more.

"Thank you so much," You exclaim with a smile to the shopkeeper.

"No problem, give me a call if you have any problems." You grin, and shake her hand.

You pick up the crate, and Alpine starts mewling at the shaking space around him. "It's okay," Reaching down to put your hand at the opening you smile when he rubs his face against your fingers.

When you walk out the door you wave at the shopkeeper. The two of you make eye contact and exchange a smile. 

As you walk back to your car you try to move as carefully as you can to not swing around the crate too much. When you reach the car you gently put the crate in the back seat. Even though you may want for him to sit next to you in the passenger seat, you know that he could get hurt.

~

When you got home, you asked the old lady named Cynthia in the apartment next to yours to watch Alpine for a little while, just long enough for you to keep Bucky's surprise going.

"Hey baby," You exclaimed as soon as you walked in through the door to your apartment.

Bucky was sitting at the kitchen table, reading a book as he ate cereal. You internally winced when you realized that in your haste you had forgotten to make him a special breakfast, or at least picked up some donuts from Krispy Kreme. Bucky would never expect you to cook for him, but it still made you feel bad that he was eating cereal on his birthday.

"Hey doll, how are you doing today." You smile and walk up to him, scooting his chair back and moving to straddle his lap. 

"I'm doing okay, how about you?" You ask, giving him a quick peck on the lips.

"I'm doing great now." He says with a chuckle. "I was a little bit concerned when I came home and you weren't here, but it's all good."

"Sorry, I was picking you up a present." You kiss him on the lips again.

"Can I open it right now?" He asks, moving in to kiss your neck.

You laugh, and simply respond with, "I'm not your present Bucky, I think you'll like the one I am getting you a whole lot more."

"Nonsense, you being here with me is a gift of itself, everything else is just confetti."

"Awww, baby." You tilt your head to get a better look at the adorable fluffball in front of you. "I am getting you a real present though, and I think you'll like it a lot.

"So... Do you want to unwrap presents now?" 

"Sure, sounds fun." Bucky is trying to play cool, but you can see through his eyes that he’s excited.

"Alright, I'm gonna run into the bedroom and grab them really fast, then we can open them. We'll open the rest of the presents tonight at Pepper's house."

Inside of the closet where you stashed the shirt and socks you giggle thinking about the stunt that you're about to pull on Bucky.

"Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday dear Bucky, happy birthday to you!" You walk in carrying the two presents in your hand, and Bucky looks almost happier than you've ever seen him before. 

Once you set both of the presents down on the ground, Bucky eagerly rips open one of the neatly wrapped packages. The second he sees that there is only a red henley inside, his face falls slightly, but he quickly picks it back up to keep the appearance of excitement on for you.

"It's great Doll, I needed another one." He reaches over and kisses you on the forehead.

He opens the second present, more slowly this time, and pulls it out carefully. His face immediately droops when seeing that it's socks. He puts on a happy face and says, "great, I love it." With as much enthusiasm as he can muster.

You let out a chuckle, even though you feel guilty for making Bucky feel bad. "I'm just kidding Baby, close your eyes and I'll have your real present in a minute."

Bucky lets out a sigh of relief, and he immediately looks guilty the second after.

"C'mon baby, did you think I would play you like that?" You respond with a small chuckle. "I'll be back in a couple of minutes," you exclaim as you lean down to kiss him on the cheek.

After you leave the apartment, you pretend to stomp down the hallway, when in reality all you’re doing is going next door. You carefully knock on the door, and Cynthia opens it up almost immediately.

"Hi, is he doing alright?" You ask with genuine concern.

"Oh lovely, you're very lucky to have him, he's sweet as sugar. My cat, Vera, has taken a liking to him, perhaps you could bring him over some time for a play date?" Even though you had never heard of a cat play date, you were open to the idea.

"Sounds great!" You reply with a smile.

"Splendid, I'll go get him now." She walks back into her apartment only to shortly return with the crate.

She hands you Alpine, and you quickly respond with: "Thank you so much, Cynthia, have a great day!" She then smiles and closes the door.

You walk the few feet back to your apartment, and you open it to a crack. "Hey baby, could you close your eyes for a minute?" Bucky doesn't say anything, and just simply puts a hand over his eyes.

As you open the door, Alpine lets out a meow. You frantically look over at Bucky, but he’s none the wiser.

Once you're fully inside and have the door closed, you set the crate on the ground and open the latch, pulling Alpine out. 

"Keep 'em closed, and let your arms out." Bucky does as you told him to, and you gently place Alpine in his arms.

"You can open them now."

Bucky looks down at the white ball of fur that he's holding, and a smile immediately erupts on his face. "Is it-"

"Yeah, baby, it is." A grin spreads on your features.

Bucky doesn't say anything, just carefully plays with Alpine. He turns him to face him and smiles even more when he sees his cute little whiskers. He begins to talk baby talk to Alpine, and you can't help but giggle at this adorable display.

"His name is Alpine." Bucky looks up at you, and then back at Alpine.

"Well isn't that the perfect name for the perfect cat." He exclaims with the biggest smile you've ever seen him wear. 

He reaches towards you and pulls you closer towards him. You move from facing him, to sitting next to him, and he wraps his human arm around you.

"I love you, sweetheart." He says as he kisses you on the forehead. 

You smile and respond with, "And I love you." As you move your lips towards him to give him a kiss, which he eagerly returns.

After you finish your sweet embrace he turns down to look at the white cat that had cuddled himself into Bucky's arm. "And I love you too, Alpine."

Requests are open!

Prompt List

~Taglists are open~

Permanent Tags: @natasha-danvers​

Marvel:

[cheeseanonioncrisps]

Thank you for the post. I grew up thinking maybe I was uninterested due to age or that it was a matter of being a bit broken and late to the party. Once in my 20s I realised I was just broken and didn't work right. By 30 it clicks that somethings not the same. I still don't know the terminology because the community is terrifying. There is so much inner conflict within the community I don't dare reach out. I don't dear trust. I fear the community more then thoes outside. I'm actually in a relationship and have been for many years. I feel damn guilt is out it but the other half reminds me it's okay. They actually picked up on it first...and told me. They also ashured me it's okay.

I still feel bad because I know they aren't in the same situation. How does it work. No idea. I'm not sure we know. It just happen.

It's no happy story it's just two people who needed to help each other to survive.

It's not a nice way to live out rented apartment looks like shit. We do support each other in crisis and we care. It's we have to be ashamed of just surviving. It's sad after many many years I only recently came out on another issue. They took it well even though it slipped out in a fight. They said 'your still you and I got you'

This is all the two of us have. I finally came out to the person I been with longer then most marriages last...

Now I'm too afraid to seek aid withing the one community I need it from.

The inner conflict has made it impossible to know if your putting yourself in danger. It's not safe to come out no matter what your coming out as while the community have inner conflict. I never trust a 'this is a safe place' for thoes in the community.

In my life time I have watched minds open and awareness whee people felt safer progress was still needed but now the community doors look like their closing.

It doesn't feel safe to reach out with a question, or reach out for help, surely does not feel safe to come out of the closet. I know others have peaked from the closet and gone back into It.

This needs to stop but the closeted folk fear brining this up. It's not safe for us to and adding inner conflict to that is less safe.

I have written many posts this long not on this subject but to reach for help. I delete them out of fear.

This anon is anon for saftey reasons only.

I wish it wasn't the case, it would have been nice to see your thoughs and I'll never will I'm not a follower... And again safety reasons I can't follow either.

I couldn't really word this in detail

Link to the original post.

I know you say that you're unlikely to ever read my response, anon, but for what it's worth, I'm sorry that his has been your experience of the LGBT+ community.

Even though I'm pretty open about my identity, I absolutely know the feeling of not being able to feel 'safe' in the 'safe spaces', because they're not always safe for us. The stuff I talked about in my post is mainly the result of an amatonormative heteronormative culture, but I've experienced more actual open vitriol from within the LGBT+ community than from outside it.

If you're looking for support, you might try aspec specific spaces such as r/asexuality and/or r/aromantic (the former also has a lot of links to other related subreddits and websites for ace and/or aro people in the sidebar). The aspec community itself definitely isn't devoid of infighting, but the subreddits are pretty chill on the whole in my experience. It's not perfect, but it's a much healthier space to explore and express that side of your identity than Tumblr.

Also many IRL LGBT+ spaces are run by people who are aware of the problems aspec people experience in LGBT+ spaces and will therefore make sure to clarify explicitly that their spaces are aspec inclusive— though I know from personal experience that it can still take a while to feel comfortable in these spaces if you've been made to feel unwelcome before.

Going by the description of how you came out to your partner on "another issue", it sounds like you're saying you have more than one LGBT+ identity, and that your aspecness is making you nervous to seek support for it because of your experiences in LGBT+ spaces (apologies if I'm interpreting this wrong). This isn't uncommon, I've seen a lot of posts from people with similar problems. r/LGBT is explicitly aspec friendly, so you might want to try there, but again I'd understand if you didn't want to risk it. 'Once bitten, twice shy' after all.

I agree, this mess isn't good for closeted people. I know I stayed in the closet much longer than I should have, specifically because of all the exclusionist bullshit that was going on Tumblr at the time.

The feeling that everybody always seems to associate with the LGBT+ community, of finding a community where you can be yourself and be accepted, just isn't something that aspecs experience (though we're not the only ones— to a certain extent, basically every letter except the G has had campaigns for its exclusion at one point or another. It's just our turn at the moment). Too often we end up sitting nervously in the corner, waiting for the other shoe to drop, or else getting thrown out altogether.

I hope things get better for you anon.

[arcadianmoonshadowjedi]

Personal Opinions on Rapunzel and Cassandra’s Friendship

Ok so this is one post that I’ve been wanting to make for a long time, especially since this is perhaps one of the relationships in the series with the most polarizing views ever (maybe even the number one relationship that is) ranging from people who ship them romantically to people who hate their friendship all together and think that they should’ve never been friends to begin with. So I thought it would be worth a share for me, mostly focusing on S1 and 2. This is not meant to be any hate for either of these girls because they are both among my faves in the series!

ALSO: I will NOT tolerate any hostility or rudeness on this post. If you don’t agree with my opinions, either lets have a friendly, respectful discussion or just scroll by and leave this as it is, thank you!

If you don’t know by now, I personally do not ship them, and never have I since I first started watching the series. I also never interpreted any of their interactions as romantic or saw the two of them as a “potential couple.” I would say this could mostly be due to the fact that I am a hardcore New Dream shipper who strictly believes Rapunzel and Eugene only have romantic feelings for each and I personally don’t think they would have any romantic feelings for anyone else. And I’m also the kind of person who values platonic love so much I also don’t like when they’re shipped (this applies to male-female platonic love as well).

However, I do think that their friendship really made for an interesting story. Now in my opinion, I personally don’t think their friendship was 100% toxic, or devoid of love or happiness, and nor do I think it was entirely a healthy one either, otherwise it wouldn’t have fallen apart by the end of S2.

To start off, I’ve always felt and stand by my opinion that the friendship was very flawed from both sides. The problem with Rapunzel, esp in S1 and less in S2, was that she was a socially stunted teen who was barely out of the tower and barely had time to learn about healthy friendships and boundaries, and this has caused her at several times to unintentionally step on Cass’s personal boundaries, be extremely pushy and at times annoying. Cass on the other hand, as we all know has a super “bitchy”, distrustful personality and has her own insecurities and struggles with self-esteem that negatively affect her own judgments and actions. I feel like a lot of Cass’s trust issues and tough, bitchy exterior stem from her trauma of being abused, neglected, and eventually abandoned by her own mother. I have this headcanon that even though she has no memory of this incident (PTSD can cause a person to forget a traumatizing memory but still continue to suffer as a result of it), she basically has this idea that if her own mother didn’t stay and love her, why would anyone else do so? Cassandra grew bitter to a point where she pushed people away and avoided attachment to avoid the same trauma from happening again. Of course that was until she befriended Rapunzel after Rapunzel persisted in making this friendship happen even after all the pushing away Cass was attempting to do. Based on the canon we got, I would definitely conclude that this was each of the girls’ very first close female friendship in their lives and both had a whole lot they needed to learn in order to grow and build healthier relationships in general. In my opinion, despite the flaws of this friendship, both girls did need it (Rapunzel needed a blunt gal pal who, along with Eugene, could help her discover more of the real world around her and learn more about social interactions, whereas Cassandra needed someone to help her to open up her heart more and know that she is worthy of being loved).

The reason why I don’t agree with a lot of the “Cassandra is malicious and evil to Rapunzel” or “Cassandra’s entire goal and purpose in the whole series (Even in S1 & 2) is belittle and demolish Rapunzel” claims is because I feel like they erase all of Cassandra’s positive traits and great sacrifices she has made for Rapunzel, whether it was their TBEA sneakout adventure which put her at risk of losing her job and home just to make Rapunzel happy or Cass getting her hand charred to get Rapunzel to snap out of the reverse incantation, just to name a few. To also say that Cass was never nice to Rapunzel or never cared for her erases the fact that there were several times she got out of her comfort zone to apologize and make peace with Rapunzel after a conflict (her hugging Raps in Challenge of the Brave after she completely Effed up and in Rapunzel Day One after she opened up about her feeling hurt) or whenever she comforted Rapunzel in her pain (QFAD and BTCW).

As for the claims that “Rapunzel is selfish” or “takes all of her friends for granted” claims, I’m equally opposed to that and they leave an awful taste in my mouth. Rapunzel, as we all know, was trapped in a tower for 18 whole years and has NEVER interacted with anyone besides Gothel and Pascal. Of course Eugene was the first human outside of the tower she interacted with, which throughout the events of the movie and all the trials and sacrifices that they went through, their relationship has so much stability to it. However, not every person Rapunzel interacts will share the understanding she has with Eugene. Rapunzel lacks so much social understanding and skills that there are times she doesn’t know when to have the right type of interactions (remember the bear hug?), let alone experience in royalty. However Rapunzel herself is a major people pleaser and will do whatever it takes to make those around her happy (even if gets really pushy and annoying at times) but she will eventually stop with her pushiness especially when she sees how harmful it can get. Just like Cass, there were several instances where Rapunzel will willingly fight for her, like in BTCW with Adira, even though Cass was technically in the wrong or in Freebird (An episode I’m not a fan of but enjoyed some aspects of it) when both of them fought to save each other or even Rapunzel sacrificing the last egg to turn Cass back.

As for the flaws of the friendship, I would definitely say that alot of it had to do with both lack of proper communication and understanding of boundaries. As we all know Cass doesn’t always have the “fluffiest, kindest” ways of communicating her feelings or her pain and can in turn lash out really badly and come off as condescending and rude. Rapunzel on the other hand, wasn’t really the best at reading social signals (Challenge of the Brave is the best example of super flawed communication and understanding on both sides) or understanding personal boundaries. I personally don’t believe that Rapunzel would “put up someone else’s shit to please them” but she would be more like, if they’re not pleased, Imma force them to be pleased (mostly in a cute, clumsy way, namely Under Raps when she felt the need to constantly “cheer up” Cass or “comfort” Cass in Big Brothers, even when Cass told her she didn’t need it, other examples include Rapunzel’s Enemy with Monty and Goodbye & Goodwill in Vardaros).

However I would say I saw so much improvement throughout S1 and mostly the first half of S2, where we do see them have so many friendly and goofy interactions (In Like Flynn with the pranks, the “game face” in Pascal’s Story, the Island eps, etc).

Then there comes the midseason and this is were I would say the friendship completely fell apart. And I think this is mainly where the argument that Cassandra is controlling over Rapunzel comes into play. Cassandra at the very beginning of the season, as we know the King assigned her with keeping Rapunzel safe, she basically gave up her dream of potentially becoming a guard to accompany Rapunzel. At the same time, Rapunzel is out in the real world outside of Corona and wants to discover more. We see these two have clashes of views and ideals that lead to certain debacles (Freebird is a prime example, tho I personally wish they did something else besides the whole bird plot lol) and then Rapunzel and the Great Tree, especially when Cass expresses that Rapunzel should take caution (which in itself feels "limiting" Rapunzel's desired freedom). I know that there is alot of anger over the argument that Cassandra was belittling Rapunzel by calling her naive (which I agree was a shitty move on her part). But I personally never thought it came from a place of wanting to "bring down Rapunzel and seek control over her" but more of a panic over the fact that they were in a dangerous location and the fact that the gang was nearly killed in it. Adira's points were also valid but Cassandra's insecurity and jealousy of her lead to her reacting hysterically and to make extreme accusations against her. Rapunzel was also stressed from being overwhelmed by the reverse incantation, which also led to her to shut down Cass in an unhealthy, humiliating way.

I feel like this along with the progression of S2 led to the betrayal and I feel like the whole Moonsandra arc should've been more focused on the problems with the friendship and Cass's insecurities rather than the whole Gothel drama. However, I always felt that it was a very complicated friendship that needed lots of mending and better communication on both sides, and I feel like that's where they got to in Plus Est En Vous. Both Rapunzel had grown to better understand social skills, communication, and boundaries a whole lot better than when we first saw her and Cassandra (tho S3 needed much better writing) she had grown to reclaim her self worth and accept that she was worthy of love.

As much as I was upset Cass left Corona, realistically that was what they both needed to give each other space to grow and learn in a healthy way.

[plotbunniesattack]

On the eve of his 26th Birthday, Dean Winchester found himself alone and with time to kill in Greenwich Village, New York. He had been sent to investigate some potentially cursed occult objects that had popped up at a widow’s estate sale. John was headed further south for a salt and burn low-level haunting and wouldn’t be back for Dean until the following day.

As it turned out, The objects in question were neither cursed nor occult related. Just some crazy lady, her seventeen cats, and a bunch of rusty antiques she wanted to pawn off as expensive heirlooms. No one had really shown up for the gig either, making it that much harder for Dean to even pretend to blend in. Seeking him almost immediately, The widow had not only noticed but also taken a liking to Dean, much to his discomfort. Fortunately, however, he’d been able to charm his way out of her awkward sexual advances following an unnecessarily long personal tour of her estate.

January in New York City was cold and dark. The afternoon rain had muted most of the bohemian neighborhood’s appeal. Wandering aimlessly through Washington Square Park, Dean watched wet pigeons shitting on statues and scrounging for soggy bits of food.

Trekking down Bleecker Street, just past NYU’, some college girls in skin-tight jeans and designer rainwear caught his eye. They giggled and blushed when he approached them to ask about local happy hours nearby. Politely they pointed him in the direction of the aptly named Peculiar Pub a few blocks away. And that seemed just about right, given how he was having one heck of a “peculiar” sort of day.

***

Promptly cut off after his fifth consecutive beer, Dean was given a choice to order a $10 burger or settle his tab; he chose the latter. Outside it was still raining, and darkness had begun seeping into the evening sky. Exiting the bar, Dean somehow managed to catch his foot wrong. Stumbling forward, he was unable to stop himself before full on crashing into a petite blonde.

“I am so sorry about that,” Dean began to say, realizing his buzz was much stronger than he’d anticipated.

“CJ? CJ Braxton!? Of all the people to literally bump into!!”

‘CJ Braxton? Oh, Shit!’ Dean thought as memories flashed through his mind.

The alias Dean had used some years back while hunting a shapeshifting TA at Boston Bay College. Caught off guard, Dean rapidly became too flustered to process the absurdity of his luck. Having just physically collided with a once serious now ex-girlfriend.

“Jen Lindley, Wow! I mean, wow, it’s been a long time!” Dean mumbled.

***

Jen insisted on bringing Dean back to her apartment, conveniently located right around the corner. As they walked, Jen rambled on about her life; Her Grandmother’s cancer was in remission. Both she and her best friend Jack had gotten into NYU. College was amazing, and everything in Jen’s life seemed to be going according to plan.

“I really like what you’ve done with your hair!” Jen gushed as she hung up Dean’s jacket.

As if on cue, Dean reached up and nervously ran his fingers through his short hair.

“Oh yeah, I had to cut it- didn’t wanna start looking like a hippie or som’thing,” Dean slurred.

Jen’s apartment was a large studio with a fire escape facing the park. It was way classier than any place Dean had ever lived in his entire life. Once, Back when he was CJ, he’d experimentally glanced at some New York apartment listings. Pretty instantaneously, his jaw had hit the floor as it dawned on him just how freaking expensive they were.

“Can I offer you some tea, coffee, water Or?” Jen paused, looking past her refrigerator to stare back at Dean.

“Umm, do you have any Beer?” Dean asked out of habit.

“Beer!?” Jen’s eyes grew large, and her face twisted with worry as more information rebooted into Dean’s brain.

In 2003, heartbroken from mistakenly placed trust in Cassie Robinson, Dean had decided to try something new. Instead of being just another version of himself, CJ Braxton became the polar opposite of his real personality. Swearing less, studying more, and trying to eat a little bit healthier, Dean had gone so far as considering the many ways he depended on alcohol. Acknowledging his family’s history of poor coping methods, he’d made a solid attempt at staying teetotal for the remainder of his time undercover.

“Water! Water, is a much better choice? I don’t know what I was thinking there for a moment,” Dean trailed off as Jen crossed the room and wrapped her arms tightly around him.

“Umm.” Dean gulped, hugging her back weakly.

Jen pulled away some but still managed to catch Dean’s eyes, staring intensely into them with concern.

“What could’ve possibly happened with you these past few years-? That you would decide just to throw away your sobriety?” Jen inquired softly.

“Oh. Just- I dunno, life.” Dean retorted.

Jen reached for his hand, weaving her fingers lovingly within his. Leading him away from the kitchen and over to her couch. Dean allowed himself to be pushed into a sitting position and for Jen to rest her head on his shoulder.

“I know it’s been years since we last spoke CJ, and for my own part in that, I am so truly sorry. I hope that you can still find it within yourself to trust me, though-and that you might- still confide in me some of these heavy emotional burdens that have taken their toll on you?”

Jen stared at Dean, searching for any scraps of either validation or truth.

Dean paused; in his gut, he knew that he hated having to lie to her but the actual truth? Her knowing about that was out of the question too.

His mind swam, recounting everything that had changed since leaving Boston and breaking things off with Jen. Dad had thrown himself further into the job, isolating himself and leaving Dean to hunt solo most of the time. Sam had left him for Stanford and quit hunting altogether.

He thought all the way back to that call about some grisly murders upstate in Nyack, NY. How he’d actually wrestled over leaving Jen and what they had at the time. Until he was hit by the undeniable realization that CJ Braxton was a joke and no one could ever love him as Dean Winchester. Before he knew it, there were tears in his eyes, and he was powerless to stop them.

The next thing he knew, Jen’s lips were on his, and her gentle hands roamed under his shirt. Clothing was shed while the kissing continued growing into deeper needier touches.

Things heated then, and before Dean could grasp onto much less unroll a condom, they were passionately entwined. Something inside of Dean snapped, and he gave himself over entirely to their act of passion.

***

Dean awoke alone around 4 AM in the unfamiliar and too dark apartment. His phone buzzed loudly from his discarded jeans’ pocket. Reaching down, Dean flipped open his phone to a text from John, informing him that it was time to leave NYC at last.

***

Jen tried to be patient in the office waiting room, but her heart was fluttering in her chest. She had taken three home pregnancy tests, all yielding the same result. What could the additional lab work prove to her that she didn’t already know? Despite exercising ‘her rights to choose,’ her decision had been made long ago. She would keep this baby, knowing that it was probably the last piece of CJ Braxton that she could ever hope to obtain.

[entriesfromangels]

Journal entry (#19) ~

Well I leave on Monday (3/29) and I’m excited to go back to WA.

My trip home has been a wonderful one.

I dug deep into what my issues are and my negative patterns I’ve been doing for as long as I can remember.

My therapist got me to see something that I have been trying to suppress for idk how long.

My #1 problem is me seeking out reassurance from my loved ones. My friends, my bf and my family. I put this imaginary pressure on myself to be a perfect daughter, to be a good girlfriend and to be a good friend. I always thought it was normal or good to set high expectations for yourself. To always aim for something better. But the way I was going about it was all wrong.

My therapist told me, “maybe your self-esteem is just low.” And ya know what... that makes a lot of sense. After hearing that and looking back at everything that I’ve learned and gained up to this point, i started connecting the dots. I want people to see me for me. To see that I’m a good person and that my intentions are always positive. That’s why I always ask if they love me and if I’m making any positive impact on them. And of course I get that reassurance but that just encourages me to continue the negative behavior.

Most of the patterns I have are just that. Not being confident in my relationships and always trying to sabotage them before they do it to me. Also not listening to the other person and their thoughts and opinions was another pattern I discovered. It’s just a lot with how I communicate with others and how others may or may not view me.

Like if someone calls me names or says negative stuff towards me, I instantly shut down. But as I’m learning, if I grow my self-esteem and my love for myself, that shit wouldn’t have to bother me as harshly as it does. I mean of course it’ll hurt but instead of shutting down, I can just look past their hurtful words and say, “okay. But I love myself and I know I’m worth more than the negative things you are saying.” Because if you have that high amount of self-esteem and believe in yourself, you can handle challenges in your life in a much healthier way.

BPD has a way of making anyone who comes into my life the enemy. Like my bf for example. When I first met him I was like, “omg he’s cute. Sweet. And actually understands me.” But my bpd was like, “oh look. Another guy who will leave and break my heart.”

If I go about my life with that mentality and never change my negative patterns, I’ll always have unstable relationships. I’ll always have them leave me because they can’t take it. I’m honestly surprised my ex stayed with me so long but I think he only did because he couldn’t find anyone else and knew I was a “safe” bet.

I’m here to say... you CAN get over your bpd. It’s not happening over night but as each day passes, I’m putting my breaks on my mind before I say anything and think, “does this need to be said?” “Do I want to continue to live this way?”

I’ve never been so excited nor happy to talk about my mental health and the self-love journey I am on. Like it’s super refreshing and each day I’m learning more and more about this disorder and how I can move past it and have fulfilling relationships. It’s so nice.

So, going back home to WA will be like a fresh start for my brain. I’m going to get stuff done, work my butt off and always make sure to take a mental health break when I need it. It’s so important to always put your well-being first. I’m so grateful for my therapist, my bf, my family and my friends who truly understand me and my disorder. My bpd tells me that I don’t deserve these wonderful people in my life but I know I do. All the love I get from them is deserved and wanted. Everyone deserves love and support.

I can’t wait to move forward and TRULY see myself in the same way my loved ones do.

I’m ready.

[heartbreaknow]

The Enneagram & Tony Stark

My enneagram post a week ago got mostly crickets, so I presume there’s probably not much of an audience for MCU enneatyping meta. Therefore, I wasn’t going to write any. 

But then I did anyway. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯  

*

The Enigmatic Enneatype of Tony Stark (practically a freakin’ essay, ‘cause that’s how we roll)

The thing that’s been fascinating me about Tony is that I find it basically impossible to narrow him down to a single enneatype. I think he’s a very strong mix of three enneatypes. I mean, everyone (fictional and otherwise) possess traits of all the types, to one degree or another, but usually there’s one type that seems to fit a character (or person) better than the others. But I don’t feel like that’s the case for Tony. To me, Tony is a Type 3, a Type 7, and a Type 8 in almost equal measure. (He also has a fair bit of Type 5 in him, IMO, and a fair bit of counterphobic 6 as well—but not enough that I would consider those types for his core type).

Tony and Type 7 

This was the type I thought he was, at first. But after a lot of deliberation, I actually think it’s only his third most prominent type.

He has the Type 7’s mental energy, enthusiasm for activity, and tendency to avoid negative emotion through pleasure-seeking behaviors. (Plus, he just seems like he ought to be one of the thinking types, doesn’t he?)

However, he lacks the Type 7’s deep-seated issues with focus, follow-through, and detail work, which is a really significant aspect of the type. Tony is actually incredible at sticking with a project from start to finish. In fact, I’d say he seems to enjoy putting in the man-hours to bring his project to fruition more than he enjoys the initial period of inspiration and brainstorming. More accurately, I’d say he doesn’t find a great idea fulfilling until he’s made it a practical reality. It’s very unlikely for those things to be true of a Type 7 (even a healthy one, which Tony isn’t, particularly).

 Tony and Type 3

He has the Type 3’s ambition, social charisma, and appreciation for the finer things in life. He also likes attention, and has some of the Type 3’s workaholic tendencies.

However, he lacks the Type 3’s need for external validation, and their preoccupation with what others think of them. Tony may like attention, but he doesn’t need it. And he may like being admired, but he’s not afraid of the public/press thinking poorly of him (with the exception of a select few intimates whose opinion of him matters greatly—but that’s true for pretty much everyone). Point being: if the public’s opinion of him were to take a heavy dip, I don’t think he would feel like his entire self-identity was crumbling (the way a Type 3’s almost certainly would). He’d probably just be like, “Shit. Whatever I did to cause this, Pepper is going to kill me.” He also doesn’t require recognition for his accomplishments the way Type 3s typically do. For Tony, the accomplishments themselves (and the potential of those accomplishments) seem to be reward enough.

 Tony and Type 8

Tony has the Type 8’s fundamental dread of being disempowered or controlled, as well as the Type 8’s fundamental desire to protect themselves and their loved ones, and to be in control of their own life. The things that terrify Tony terrify him because they make him feel helpless, vulnerable, and out of control, and his reaction to such threats is almost always to devote himself to devising newer, better modes of protection. That is a quintessential Type 8 schema. He has the Type 8’s enormous willpower and vitality, the 8’s tendency to provoke conflict as a way of feeling out the boundaries of a relationship, as well as the 8’s tendency to deal with boredom and excess energy by pursuing whatever feels good (sex, substance, entertainment) in excess.

However, imo he lacks the Type 8’s deep-seated anger, which tends to be ever-present right beneath the surface. He doesn’t exhibit the average to unhealthy Type 8’s tendency to block out valid intellectual arguments and bully their way through a disagreement or a fight, with a win-at-all-costs/might-equals-right mentality.

Even compared to healthier (less controlling, less angry) Type 8s, Tony lacks that forthright, what-you-see-is-what-you-get quality that 8s tend to project, and he also lacks the 8s tendency to use force on a problem right out of the gate—basically mistaking force for strategy.

 Additional Notes on Tony & Type 3

I want to circle back a little, and acknowledge that in addition to exhibiting the basic fear/desire combo of the Type 8, I do think Tony also exhibits the basic fear/desire combo of the Type 3, albeit in a less overt way.

The basic fear of the Type 3 is of being worthless and faulty, and the basic desire is to be valuable and worthwhile. Imo, we see this reflected in the innovations, donations, and heroic acts Tony provides almost constantly, both to the general public, and especially to the people he cares about. He has the Type 3’s innate feeling that he himself is faulty and not worth much—so he needs to produce, preform, put out (so to speak) in order to be worthwhile.

I do think this dynamic is quite repressed in him, though. He acts on it all the time, but if asked, he probably wouldn’t even realize how much he provides for others (and probably would rather not be made to confront the impulse he feels to provide for others, as it would expose personal vulnerabilities he’s not comfortable having).

 Additional Notes on Tony & Type 8

Imo, the Type 8’s directions of integration and disintegration are the most fitting for Tony (at least post-Afghanistan; pre-Afghanistan who even knows).

We see the disintigrative shift towards Type 5 in IM3 when Tony, deeply afraid, withdraws into his lab and obsesses over using his expertise to build more and more protective measures. But more intriguingly, we see the opposite shift towards Type 2 in his caring, vaguely parental interactions with Peter (and with how healthy he seems in Endgame, when he’s being a parent to Morgan). Learning how to be nurturing is his path to a more healthy, complete sense of self. In fact, part of what drew me to Starker in the first place was the feeling that for Tony, learning to lower his emotional guard enough to care openly and generously for someone who needed that, and to respect that other person’s vulnerability, would be the ultimate form of character growth for him. (Which is exactly the growth Type 8s generally require to move from average to healthy.)

 Additional Notes on Tony & Type 7

Several of the men in my life are 7s, including my father—who is my roommate, my best friend, and all-around favorite person. So I have a lot of experience with 7s.

And while I cannot see Tony as a true 7, I will say that I get a Type 7 vibe from him, way more than I get a Type 3 vibe, or a Type 8 vibe. He just feels like a Type 7 to me. (It seems to be common speculation that RDJ is a Type 7—even the official Enneagram Institute website agrees—so imo Tony’s 7-ish vibe is probably coming from RDJ himself.)

Someone’s “vibe” is such a wholly subjective thing that it really doesn’t count for much, which is why I’m only mentioning it at the end. But what the hell, enneatyping characters is just a bit of fun anyway.

 Tritypes

I’m generally not that into tritypes, but Tony gave me so much trouble that I decided to see if tritypes could help me figure him out a little. In the end, the tritypes that seem to fit him best are 8/3/5 and 8/3/7, though 8/3/6 is also quite apt. 

358, 385, 538, 583, 835, 853-The Solution Master If you are a 358, you are ambitious, knowledgeable and protective. You want to be efficient, wise and straightforward. Tough-minded, you are good at studying a problem and finding both original and practical solutions others often miss. Highly tenacious, you work tirelessly until you find effective solutions and can prevail against adversity.

378, 387, 738, 783, 837, 873-The Mover Shaker If you are a 378, you are ambitious, innovative and protective. You want to be efficient, happy and straightforward. You are a dynamic go-getter, focused on the prize. An expansive powerhouse, you see the big picture and have the will to make it happen. You are a true entrepreneur and empire builder. Obstacles are seen as competitive challenges.

368, 386, 638, 683, 836, 863-The Justice Fighter If you are a 368, you are ambitious, inquisitive and protective. You want to be accomplished, loyal and straightforward. Verbally adept and a good reader of people and situations, you have the ability to identify unjust authority, rebel against tyranny and verbally spar against it. You want to get along with others but can struggle with being too direct and outspoken.

Conclusion

Tony Stark: The core motivations of Type 8, behaves a lot like a Type 3, gives off a Type 7 vibe. 

Tony, you are a messy bench, and it’s why we love you.

[craftypeaceturtle]

Sanders Sides- A New Year of Lying to Myself Analysis

General:

I feel like this is the first episode where we can start (only just start!) making points about the characters in this series. I feel like this episode onwards is when Thomas intended for this to be a series and to start planning out some vague characterisations. You may disagree but I personally feel like this is when the series first started going. It’s still early days though at this point so we’ll go easy! 

Logic being the first to pop up and suggest new years resolutions I think is really interesting, because from a lore point of view, it feels like it should be Creativity. Creativity is his literal ambitions and dreams but its his logic that wants to announce self improvement plans? I dunno, I just find that interesting! 

When Anxiety shows up, all the others are stunned into silence/stop everything. This obviously shows that, at this point, Anxiety was this great threat that needed attention. There are episodes later on whereby the others don’t notice that Anxiety has even appeared so this great attention brought to him feels like the others are on constant guard for anxiety. 

Characters:

Logic- Kinda… an abolsute asshole in this? Like, seriously... His whole point in this video is that he feels like there hasn’t been an episode where he’s been the focus of the story and this was going to be HIS video! Because of that, he comes across like he doesn’t want to work with the others let alone work well with them. More on this in the theory section. His characterisation still feels kinda off. He’s again super cheery upon arrival and then settles into a more serious and less emotional character later. His goals still seem to be largely work orientated which remains consistent in the series. Excuse the shit quality pic:

Also, he appears content with Thomas’ work and seems to pride on the idea that his content needs to be meaningful and educational. Just wanted to say this explicitly for, in future videos, he seems to be discontented from Thomas’ work. 

Morality- He’s seen here to be working against Logic which makes sense as morality would prioritise self help before career success. 

But there is an entire episode later whereby Morality feels the opposite to his idea- again it’s still early in the series so these contradictions make sense. He’s still the largely happy chappy who wants Thomas to succeed in becoming an adult. Again, he feels like the father figure who prioritises adult skills. 

Creativity- He’s suitably predictable in how he’s presented here... He’s Creativity and represents Thomas’ hopes and dreams and so he wants Thomas to achieve those dreams. That’s fine, a suitable characterisation for the concept if a little... boring. Where he becomes interesting is the fact that he does not care for the other’s new year resolutions. Like, at least Logic and Morality acknowledge that theirs are kinda linked and the other’s resolution is still good. You can’t seek more knowledge if you’re unhealthy but you also can’t really be healthier without the knowledge to do so. Creativity is just like:

Makes him look kinda assholey as well. But I also kinda of get that there’s more plot/drama if the sides all disagree rather than have a calm discussion so maybe that’s more for the plot rather than a direct sign of who Creativity is. 

Anxiety- Again, he’s yet to feel like a character and is still just a villain. He disagrees, then get’s shown up then he leaves. Not much to say here. But what I will say is that, it’s interesting that on showing up, Logic and Morality both end up agreeing with him that resolutions may be meaningless. Maybe that indicates that he’s persuasive and has power over the others or maybe it’s just that he brought up a point the others hadn’t considered. Dunno, up to you I guess. On a different note though, he sings! He doesn’t really sing later on so this is a thing! On a more serious not again, this is the first time we see Anxiety actively insulting Thomas which I feel never really comes up again. In the ending, he says that Thomas ‘sickens him’ which is like really harsh.

 I think Thomas later wanted to write Anxiety as helpful so to avoid awkward moments like these whereby parts of his identity actively hate him. I dunno, this just feels really harsh and in a different context would make a lot of people feel worried about Thomas’ mental health. At the end of the day, this is supposed to be a funny light hearted look on mental health so it makes sense to want to avoid heavy and hard topics like self hate.  But that does mean that here, Anxiety is portrayed as self sabotaging and destructive for Thomas. But then again, this insult is played off as light hearted so maybe I’m looking into it too much. 

Theories:

1) How the sides all interact has been argued as counter productive and abusive in some cases and this episode kinda shows that off. The sides all start talking over each other instead of an actual discussion- they all dismiss the others’ ideas without consideration which does make it seem like they can’t work together. 

Sorry C!Thomas but this will become a reoccurring thing haha! But, again, I feel like this is kinda necessary. If all the sides did discuss reasonably and were open to each other then there would be no conflict. Also, the way that they disagree adds to their characterisations. Example, it makes sense for Logic and Morality to be clashing here. 

2) Creativity is still just as harsh to Anxiety and Anxiety is still just as harsh to the others. Creativity again states out loud that he doesn’t like him and no one really addresses this- but again I feel like at this point Anxiety was just the villain so why would anyone correct that opinion. Anxiety is harsh in just stating that Logic is the least favourite character which the others find funny. I really don’t know on what to make on this whole abusive side of these characters just yet. At the moment, everything is presented fairly light heartedly so it’s hard to pinpoint how serious these insults are. 

3) This point really won’t go anywhere but I thought of it so why not! The song’s lyrics are like 50% made up of the word ‘lies’. I know Deceit’s character was yet to be even thought up of but I think that it’s interesting that when Thomas added a new character he chose Deceit. No clue if this was any influence over the character or if it was just they had interesting ideas lined up for him. Also, since it’s Anxiety mostly calling Thomas’ ideas lies then it furthers the point that him and Deceit are connected in some way or another. Again, this point is really weak and doesn’t go anywhere but I wanted to say it! 

[hordakin]

On the Subject of Hordak, His Parallels with Catra, His Bond with Entrapta, and the Possibility of Him Getting a Redemption Arc

Obviously this is a subject of MUCH controversy within the Spop fandom, and I'm probably just going to stir up even more issues, but the aforementioned things are subjects i find INCREDIBLY fascinating and dammit I want to talk about it, because as usual (almost*) everyone else is glancing over it and not giving it all the in depth analysis it deserves.

Just a preface, my 'screenshots' are probably going to be absolutely hideous because I do not have the time nor the resources to get high quality ones--sooo I'm just taking pictures with my phone!

I'm no good at keeping my posts organized, so please forgive any other messiness as well--I'm hyperfixated and filled with frantic energy.

Lets start out simply with the Juiciest meat on the bone--Hordak's Could-Be Redemption Arc!

This is the topic that has the most people in a tizzy--for completely valid reasons, to be fair! Hordak, as of right now, is a horrible person. There's no skirting over it, there's no sugar coating it, he's a grade A piece of shit manipulative dictator, and things he's done are unforgivable.

What joy it is, then, that being forgiven has absolutely nothing to do with redemption!!!

Redemption is about changing your ways, and doing what you can to FIX or make up for the villainous things you've done--NOT being forgiven for them, which is what seems to be the hang up for a lot of people who are against the idea of a Hordak redemption arc, the people who don't like his sympathetic backstory.

I've seen more than a few posts of people Screaming in fury, proclaiming their anguish and disgust that the writers are trying to make them """forgive""" Hordak, when.... That's. Literally not what the writers are doing. They are just giving a character a backstory and human characteristics. So he'll be relatable. You know, like characters in media are SUPPOSED to be. Funny how that works, right?

Anyway, his frustrates me immensely, especially when these are the same people still pushing for a Catra redemption arc (to be fair, i am still one of those people too, but her choices in the last season have severely lowered my enthusiasm and hopes for it. There’s a long, tiring road ahead of her, as well as for us as an audience, if she is going to be redeemed at all). It frustrates me because of Hordak and Catra's lifestory parallels. These people act as if they are leagues different, when they really... Really aren't. If Catra still deserves redemption because she was abused into thinking the way she does, then so does Hordak, because he was obviously abused too.

The way I see it, Catra is like... A younger Hordak. Hordak right before and during Prime discovering his defects and sending him off to die. For a lot of season 1 and 2, she was in her prime in regards to her standing as a member of the Horde. She became force captain, and she did her work well, just as Hordak had once been Horde Prime's top general--but then they showed some kind of weakness, some kind of incompetence, and then they were cast away;

And it doesn't even stop there! Because right after being exiled, guess what they both do? They take over and begin to Rule the local denizens of the place they were exiled to--Hordak forms the Etherian Horde, and Catra takes one look at the Crimson Waste gangs and says "My City Now".

The main differences I see between Hordak and Catra are, Firstly, their friendships. The bonds they've formed (and broken) during the series (as well as if/how they changed them).

Hordak --

Total number of friends, past and present: 2 or 3 (Entrapta and Imp, 3 if you count Emily)

How much he values them: given his tract record of abandoning and belittling people, he doesn't belittle or mistreat Entrapta or Imp, in fact openly showing affection for/praising both of them rather openly--which is to say, he must value them a lot.

How he treats them: like i said up there--with open praise, affection, and respect. He takes care to never actually harm or yell at them in a way that targets them--when he yells or snaps, its not because hes mad at them, its because of something else. On top of that, he keeps it limited--he does not go on rants. He shouts his bit, takes a breath, then turns around and asks them to leave. Which is something i guarantee EVERY person on the face of the earth has done before. Ppl lose their tempers, it's normal, and does NOT make them abusive.

Catra --

Total number of friends, past and present: 6 or 8 (Adora, Lonnie, Kyle, Rogelio, Scorpia, Entrapta, and 8 if you count Kyle 2 and her four armed Lizard friend)

How much she values them: this is tough one. Clearly, her main priority is Adora--shes Catra's endgame Bestie, the person she really WANTS to be friends with the most. She puts effort into her relationship with Adora. Second comes Scorpia--Scorpia is very slowly weaseling her way into Catra's heart, and it shows, especially on this last season. Catra starts to show more vulnerability around her, and they have more emotionally charged interactions, that clearly have a positive impact on Catra. Catra is BEGGINING to put effort into her friendship with Scorpia, but it is a s l o w process. Everyone else.... Catra frankly couldn't give less of a shit about. They're an ontourage to her, not friends. But they see her as their friend. She doesn't put any effort there--everyone else does.

How she treats them: just like i said above again. She doesn't not care about most of her relationships. She fixates on one or two, and leaves the others in the dust until she has a use for them, because she doesn't see them as friends, she sees them as lackeys.

Secondly, another difference is their motivations and the choices they make because of them.

While they were both originally seeking recognition and praise from their superiors--Hordak trying to take over Etheria for Horde Prime to prove he's still useful despite his defects, and Catra...:

And then, after that, the Shadow Weaver issue comes to Catra’s attention, and Catra’s Motivation shifts COMPLETELY, because she hasn’t been given the time she needs to heal and let go of that portion of her baggage.

--I’m losing shitloads of eloquently worded paragraphs sharing my points over and over again so I’ve moved to desktop now because i am NOT giving up on sharing this, let me try again, sorry if it suddenly feels offtrack, i swear the connections are still there--

Now that their current motivations are in play, let’s talk about how their CHOICES (and their friendships) tell us which of them is more ripely suited to a redemption arc at this point in the series.

Hordak makes a friend. This is most likely the first friend he has EVER truly had, but they make it work, because they have similar interests and there is no sense of hierarchy between them--She is very clearly not afraid of him, and he is long past trying to make her afraid. She doesn’t push him to be better, no--She thinks he’s fine the way he is. She has no desire to ‘fix him’, because she doesn’t see anything wrong with him being a ‘bad guy’. However, I will say that (albeit unintentionally) she is... Gently nudging him towards being neutral. Hordak’s goal since day one has been to contact Horde Prime, because he likely had been brainwashed or indoctrinated to believe that there WAS no other option than to do so. Seek approval, and nothing else. “For the Horde” and nothing else. Because he hasn’t fully realized... That Horde Prime can’t touch him. He��s like... A young adult, who just moved out of his parents house--You know the posts! He’d become so accustomed to the lifestyle he had before, that now when he goes shopping and thinks “Hey I want ice cream for breakfast tomorrow!” he deflates and walks on to the veggies aisle because of the parental voice telling him “You can’t have ice cream for breakfast” in his head, but now... The parent isn’t there. He CAN have ice cream for breakfast, it just hasn’t hit him yet. Then, Entrapta shows up. “For science!” she says, and Hordak probably quirks his eyebrow, because she is odd, and thats an odd thing to say--but that, right there, is the little thing that starts to help him realize that, ‘hey.... Horde Prime isn’t here. I can do anything I want!’ And tat Anything can easily include turning around and becoming a better person.

Catra makes a new friend. Catra has had many friends before, at least one of which she cared about VERY deeply, who has since then left and moved on to other friends. She tried to get Catra to follow her to the better, healthier side of life that she’s found, to make friends with the other people too--but Catra refused, and it would not be a stretch to say it was because of jealousy/possessive feelings. Catra is like that toxic friend who lurks on the social media of someone who’s cut them off, simultaneous seething with anger and looking for reasons to hate them, while also vying for the chance to be friends with them again, and go back to the way things ‘used to be’. Now, she has that new friend, who cares about her just as much if not MORE than the last friend did--she sees how Catra wallows in self pity and negative emotions over the last friend, and how unhappy it’s really making her. Scorpia wants to help her move past that--to live her life free from the reigns of her past, and to embrace the happiness that other, new parts of life can give her. But Catra. Doesn’t. Listen. She doesn’t care. She sees the possibility of happiness, dips her toes into it (Crimson Waste party), but then decides “No, I don’t want this. I’d rather be spiteful. I’d rather be vengeful. I’d rather be unhappy, and I want everyone else to be unhappy too.”

People get so mad that Hordak is a trying to take over Etheria, trying to RULE over everyone on it--They call him ‘genocidal’ even though, by definition, he’s literally not--and demand that people admit how bad he is because of it, as if we weren’t already. Yet... The only people I see condemning Catra for doing something SIGNIFICANTLY WORSE for just as selfish a reason, is most notably NOT those people demanding we condemn Hordak left and right. The hypocrisy is extremely thick in this fandom right now--let’s leave it at that.

Point is; As of right now in canon, Catra is LITERALLY a worse person than Hordak, and when you really look at their actions, it’s easy to see that there are many more realistic and easy ways for Hordak to be redeemed than their are for Catra, and that’s the fuckin’ tea!