#see y'all in a bit for the review!! (or in a while depending on how I feel xd)

[alongtidesoflight]

so here's my honest thoughts on dragon age: the veilguard, after ~40 hours of playing. i finished the main quest after having finished all companion quests and major faction quests. just to clear up what content i saw, i played as an elven transmasc rook who is a member of the lords of fortune. he romanced lucanis (although after finishing the game i'm now leaning towards taash). i don't know what's happening in playthroughs that have a different race, gender identity, romance or faction going on.

full spoilers ahead, i mean it. don't read further if you want to avoid them. i don't want complaining about it in my asks.

oh and also, if you're worried because of a few negative reviews online i can comfort you by saying don't give a fuck about a certain big name youtuber who is very much tied to bethesda franchises giving this a negative review. i'll explain why.

i'm starting off with the things i liked

the game looks really pretty. i was worried it wouldn't feel like thedas anymore (with them trying to "focus on northern thedas only" i thought they'd make a clear cut in environmental design. they do and they don't. it's complicated. i'll elaborate on it when talking about the negative stuff). anyway it does. minrathous feels like kirkwall. treviso enchanted me like the winter palace did. the hossberg wetlands reminded me of the hinterlands and a couple other inquisition maps. arlathan looked like... arlathan. the crossroads were different, but familiar. overall i like the way it looks and feels. it's thedas, with a twist. it's a good one, and gives everything a solid but unique feel.

combat is top tier. if you're a hardcore dragon age player you WILL miss the tactical aspect of it for a bit, but i promise you, once you're used to the way the combat works, you will be lapping that shit up. and once you get to ability combos you'll mourn the control you used to have over your companions in battle a bit less

the MAIN quest and its story. i expected worse, way worse. and for a while the game even had me tricked (harr harr you'll get it in a second) it is Really That Much Worse. but holy shit was it good. i walked away satisfied ngl.

your choices have SOLID weight. there's consequences, good AND bad. i got minrathous blighted, ruled over by venatori, and the leader of the shadow dragons ultimately died because of my decisions. i made those at the beginning and throughout the game. he died at the end. DAVRIN died because i didn't expect what i was saying to have that much weight. i thought i was in the clear. he had hero status. well turns out, your choices can still get your companions killed even if you do everything right. i fucking love him. he shouldn't have made that sacrifice just because i told him to do everything it takes once.

the inquisitor, morrigan and dorian being there, surprisingly. there's also negatives to this though, see below.

speaking of companions dying and the inquisitor playing a bigger role: the final quest feels like me2's suicide mission. i was blown away by it and the fact that i got to see the results of all my efforts playing out in front of me.

bioware are NOT trying to redeem solas. they love him as a character yes, but i wasn't forced to see any good in him. he betrays you. he fucked my rook over twice. he fucked him over right back, for good this time (the veil wasn't torn down, i anchored it by binding him to it, he's doomed to uphold it). but solas really lives up to his name as the trickster elven god. rip to all the people who grew really attached to him over the years.

varric died. if you like him that's probably as hard reading it as it was watching it. varric died and the game lies about it until the very end. when the realisation hits, it hurts. but in the very best way.

the amount of care they put into gender expression and trans identities this time around. (i'll add onto this with negative points as well too).

rook feels very much ingrained in the world of thedas. he doesn't ask questions that expose the player to lore through dialogue as if he's stepped foot into thedas for the first time. those conversations feel very solid and good. i hope other faction players got as much joy out of this as i did.

and the things i didn't like and boy there's a lot unfortunately

the music. let's just get that out of the way holy shit. it doesn't feel like it belongs in this universe. it gets so incredibly sci-fi-y at times you'd think it's taken straight from mass effect andromeda. there's not a single song unique to veilguard that i really enjoyed. it broke my immersion, real bad. hearing a busker play the tavern songs from inquisition on a lute right after i killed some venatori with wobbly bass songs playing in the background is just odd. weird tonal shift. don't like it. it's made for people who like flashy light-weight cinema.

tevinter nights is required reading. the podcasts are required listening exercises. the game is so fast paced, especially at the start, that there's no time to introduce you to characters and how much weight their names carry in-game. i would not have known who half these people are if i hadn't skimmed over tevinter nights. i'd care even less about them than i already did. there is no time to get properly attached to them. people will act as if you're talking to a legend personified and you'll be thinking man goddamn which chapter of tevinter night were they in again and what did they do???

there's a weird mismatch with the animations. you'll have beautifully fluid ones, like emmrich casting spells. and then you'll have rook's face animating in the most unnatural manner that's sorta reminiscent of mass effect andromeda's "my face is tired" addison, when their emotions SHOULD be landing with the player rn instead.

i'm not vibing with the art style. sometimes it works. most of the time it doesn't. at points i felt like i was watching tangled.

that also brings me to some of the dialogue. same issue. i am watching frozen. i am watching tangled. someone on the writer's team really likes the adorkable trope. bellara is its victim.

for all the talk about identity, bioware sure doesn't like theirs. the grey warden armor got a redesign again and it just makes them look like a generic army. i hate it lol

in general, i don't like the armor design. the wardrobe/appearances system is fine, but it's just not helping if all the armors are just... kinda bland or downight bad looking? and don't get me started on the lords of fortune armor. that is orientalism personified.

the world states should have been carried over, full stop. i know they said they didn't because they want to separate what happens in the north from what happens in the south, which... i could have lived with that. but the inquisitor sends you letters that keep you up to date on... the south of thedas. you learn that there's a blight again, that people are standing strong but it's difficult, denerim's fallen, the rulers are taking care of it, orlais is fighting and they're successful for a while, etc etc. what's good bioware. i thought we don't care about the south this time around. why are you feeding me so much boring generic information. if you're not gonna show any of it and just write letters, then carrying the world state over should not have been an issue. i have a game dev background. those few lines of code would not have broken your budget or pushed your engine's limits. fuck right off.

this gripe of mine carries over to all the cameos. as a lord of fortune you have to deal with isabela a lot. it's fun. i missed her. you get to go drinking with her and taash and bellara! also my hawke romanced her. she's not mentioned once. they had the opportunity to put a sentence or two about her in there with not a lot of effort, trust me.

when varric dies, all she has is a single line about it. for gold, for fortune, for varric. she only says it if you interact with her on your way to the final push. that's not mandatory.

morrigan is there. kieran isn't. the old god soul that mythal and then solas absorbed? who cares at this point, the gods are dead now and solas is locked away for eternity. i suppose? why is morrigan there. she feels unneeded. i wish they'd just left her down south, at least that way i wouldn't have had to witness her god awful redesign.

dorian at least feels as if he belongs in this story. the shadow dragons are a crucial part to protecting minrathous. he's also weirdly underutilised. isabela and morrigan had more lines than him in my playthrough.

on the topic of romance: bro that was underwhelming. no, genuinely. you know when romance picked up a bit? after the point of no return. i heard maybe two lines of companion banter about it before that. maybe i missed something which i honestly doubt, but romance did not play much of a role in lucanis's storyline. i saved his grandmother as he wished me to (and if you read tevinter nights you know she was rather abusive and their relationship not the healthiest) and told him to focus on his family. a reunified family my rook wasn't even introduced to as a partner at the end of all that.

really, do not buy this game if you're only in it for the romances. others might be better, lucanis's basically gave me nothing. except for an outing (the second coffee date i had with him, it was getting repetitive) all of it played out once i committed to the final quest. the sex scene was a fade to black. annoyingly right after davrin died. if you're looking for well paced and good spice, pick up something else. the sweet talk and the final goodbye were nice though.

for all the good the ever-presence of gender identity does, it is brought up in such a disruptive manner too. it doesn't even play out naturally if you CHOOSE the lines that are meant to be said. hearing the words trans and non-binary in this setting doesn't feel right, and i'm saying this as a trans guy. i think it could have been handled more gracefully. the amount of times my rook went "i'm a MAN" as if he's about to start drumming on his chest and roaring any second now got super nerve-grating. "i'm so glad you're into me... the me who is trans. remember?" just. tell me one trans person who'd talk like that to a person they've grown close with and are trying to romance. this game doesn't handle sexuality well, so all this hey my body might not look like the way you're expecting it to look talk amounts to nothing anyway. i feel about this the way i feel about krem: this is partial exposition to trans experiences... packaged up for cis consumption. the ONLY exception to that is interacting with taash. holy shit was all of that heartwarming and bro did it feel good and natural to talk to them about theirs and rook's gender.

rivain and nevarra are new locations added by veilguard. they're also incredibly underwhelming, small and constricted maps. rivain is a coastline with a few ruins. the hall of valor is a partial ruin nestled into a cave on a beach, with a fighting pit. isabela is there in her skimpy outfit commentating your pit fights. that's it. i'm sorry if you were looking for a bustling pirate cove or whatever. you're not gonna get it. the nevarran crypts btw are a long ass dungeon crawl. that's it.

speaking of maps. i thought people were being dramatic when they said you're gonna be fighting the same enemies on them again and again. i thought they were figure of speeching it. they're not. you WILL fight the same amount of enemies. in the same spot. every time you reload the map. best to stay on a map and clear out the enemies and do as much questing on that map as you can before leaving, because you WILL have to do it all over again once you return.

the three choices i made for my inquisitor didn't matter lol she didn't have to face solas and therefore couldn't stop him at any cost as she had sworn (maybe because my rook tricked solas into binding himself to the veil, there was also an option to fight him. would she have stepped in? who knows). blackwall wasn't mentioned. and either her using a small amount of her forces in the final fight was the reason the civilians of minrathous fared so well..... or it just didn't matter. ultimately i think she had very little impact on anything

[after-nine-at-the-oasis]

I'm not crying, partly because funny and or wild things kept happening, but my nose is running a bit lol xd it is from allergies though xD

Yk what we're gonna deal with my emotions in a second xD right now I'm just gonna try and focus on the episode lol

Lol the curbs being too high xD

"I know why my sorority sisters hate me" LOL but also go off Ava on the part after that xD

She's too like modern and rebellious or whatever

Yeeahh :'((

SLFKGKDS JESUS CAN APPRECIATE EXTRA HOLES-

Awww and she's friends with them 😭😭😭😭💔❤️❤️ yeah :'))

I get that honestly

Awww honey 😭😭

:'O Ava!!

There's some other reason though lol

Ahh the money xD

YES :D GO OFF BARBARA :D :))!!

LOL Ava xD whatever it works

Do we get to see Jacob again 🥺

I mean it'll hurt me but yk

Awww honey 😭😭😭😭❤️💔

Yeah he looks r o u g h o.o xd xDD

I can't place what it is lol but good job because he looks it xD

Yk it must look wild to see me devolve into denial and madness throughout this liveblog for those who have already seen it

. . . Sorry guys xd hope you appreciate my pain

I'm gonna have to watch so many (as many as there are lol) reactions to this 😭 to get that bit of comfort I might be giving some of y'all lol

SLFKGJDKDJKS honestly fits I'm not even gonna lie to you

Him being vengeful xD

OPE that might be a bit of why he looks like a mess o.o xD

His students watching him fall apart in real time like 👁️👄👁️ ಠ⁠_⁠ಠ

XD

Aww honey xdd

Oogh okay yeah so heee's not moving out you are xd

:O is he gonna live with Gregory

Y'all oh my gosh that would be wild-

The story opportunities would be there for adjusting to each other o.o 👀

It would be cool :O :D though honestly I'm not sure I could take that xD. Too much sadness and embarrassment around each other lol.

It already is with an f

PVITJAUCNALAJEHSINHD NEVERMIND I GET IT

Gregory's face helped with that xd

Mr. Johnson 💀

XDD

Mr. Johnson now is not the time xD

Aww Gregory I don't think it'll help much but him trying 😭😭😭😭💔❤️❤️

Aww yeah it'll work :')) was sacred Jacob would refuse xd

LOL take somebody's eye out xD

Aww inviting Janine :)

What did Zach usually do that xd

SLFKGHDKDS

OH RIGHT LOL (that's what the keysmash is about lol)

This lady xD

Girl must be so confused xD

Aww honey xdd

XDD Janine lol

Poor sub xd I mean hopefully they do lol

Aww or missing Janine :')

Awww being home alone :'((

If I get Melissa Jacob bonding over this I would not complain 👀

About the bonding I mean I would still about the breakup lol

Anyway xD

Aww Janine yeah :D

May e not quite like that but xD

Nah okay lol

I mean it might be and she's just saying it's not xd lol

Ayy Barbara :DD!!

I don't think it did but xdd

Nope xd :'//

I'm sorry Barbara that sucks :((

I bet Ava helped out though :D

Or will :)

LOL xD the all the same bit

Nahh Ava interfered didn't she xD

SKFJDKS yep

AWWWW stop that's so sweet :'OO :'DD

Oh my gosh 😭😭❤️❤️❤️

YEAHH GO BARBARA :'DDD

Ooh this is a bop :o :D!

AWWWW YEAHH SLAYYY :'DDD

Melissa looking so proud :'))

Jacob is also going through it so hey hopefully it helps him a bit too xdd

I'm glad to see him and Janine sitting next to each other

AYY BARBARA SING ITTT

GO OFF GIRL :DD

AYY XD MR. JOHNSON LOL

WHAT???!?!!?

AYO MR. JOHNSON WHAT???!

CAN WE TALK ABOUT THAT XDDD???!!?!

Wild lol was NOT expecting that it took me out 💀

Aww the kids dancing :D

Awww Jacob and Janine dancing :DD :))

SLFKGHDKD STUCK TO ONE SONG XDDD

Lol her whole discography xD

"This is a public school!" SLFKGHDKS XDD YEAH LOL that's what I was thinking a bit too a minute ago xD

Lol they all look so done xD

Not the whistle notes lesson 💀

Okay just to get her to sing a song again lol?

ASLFKGHSKALS NOPE LOL

Iconic love that Ava xDD

Okay she's fine and doing to with grace lol love that for her xD

Well that was a slay ending xDD

Anyway I did not deserve that though :)) about the episode overall :)) honestly I'm still in denial xdd

Anyway! Great episode lol loves it, also hate it with a burning passion xD. Some really funny moments though :D. More on the review side of things in a second (or maybe tomorrow because my hands and brain are very tired lol).

Love y'all!!

[music-my-beloved]

With The Beatles: A 16yo's (horrible) album review pt.2 !!

It Won't Be Long 🚆: Erm, the guitar is just *mwah* chef's kiss it really carries the song, she's the backbone. She's like, duh do do duh do and it's so cute. The background vocals are eating so good !! This song I think was the most prominent to me because I remember it from Across the Universe (incredible movie btw) . Really love this song, she's like a sister to me.

All I've Gotta Do !: Honestly would have done numbers in the 2010s because I feel like it has really good "call and response" potential !! Like, uh that one song,,,, I can't remember uhh oh Ain't No Mountain High Enough . I know I keep saying this but this song IS cute ! Also so far I've noticed they're utilizing back up vocals more which is much appreciated, I hope I hear it in the rest of the tracks on this album.

All My Loving 💗: Yay! More background vocals !! I go feral for them. The guitar is also SO good. If It Won't Be Long is a sister to me this song is my brother. Heard this one a lot growing up as well. Background vocals are heavenly the little , "ooooooos" in the background are so dreamy !!

Don't Bother Me 😔: okay first initial listen it reminded me of when my I would lose my mom in the store 😭😭 my forever "lost mom in the store" anthem !! Uhm, didn't quite jive with the rhythm but that's alright !! But it is a good song!! The dude's a little bit too dependent on that lady maybe her leaving was a good thing ??? idk I'm only guessing 😭

Little Child 🚸: uhm, I'm scared. girl they're gonna catch a case !! If a grown men in their 20s sang this to me I'd be like ,"Oh okay I'm gonna groove with y'all 'cause the beat is funky but the lyrics are concerning so idk might wanna work on that"

Till There Was You 🫵: oh. em. gee. La Vie En Rose who???? Girl this song is swoonworthy !! If a guy was like, "I used to never hear the birds singing before I met you, now that's all I hear" I'd cry OMG 😭😭 also it's just paul singing and like, omg it's so simple but it's simplicity totally makes it amazing !! It feels more personal that way !!! EDIT: OMG IM INJECTING THIS IN MY BLOODSTREAM!!!!!!!!!!!!! It's so amazingly awesome oh em gee I'm actually addicted it's not funny ! Oh my god I'm gonna explode!! Dopamine is real and I'm experiencing the effects, the world beautiful again !!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Please Mister Postman ✉️: this is a pretty good cover. Background vocals are once again in the spotlight they're just too good. The iconic beatles sound really starts to take shape in this album I've noticed !! Ringo did a good job on drums too !! Total rock and roll vibe. I was gonna compare it to another band it felt weird because it's like saying the parent sounds like the child and like no wdym the kid sounds like the parent !! I forget how much The Beatles really pioneered music !!!

Roll Over Beethoven 🎹: whaaaaa. man this track was a doozy ! They're cocky and it's workin'. Totally can see enthusiastic young couples totally jammin' to this it's so great ! Really loved the energy !!! Also that guitar solo is the beginning was AMAZEBALLS

Hold Me Tight 🥺: Whoa. This song is my second sister. This track was THE song at the beginning of my Beatles beginning when I was but a wee little girl lolll it's just so addictive. Makes me bop my head and smile everytime I hear it. The endorphins swarmed this one guys sorry 😔

You Really Got A Hold On Me 💕: Contradictions left and right !! Rhythm was a gentle little ebb and flow that was kinda refreshing to hear !! Liked the song.

I Wanna Be Your Man ♂️: whoa. Straightforward!! Some girls might like that in a man but uhm, idk the chanting of "I wanna be your man, I wanna be your lover" with the stark black and white of their faces on the album cover got me scared 😭😭 idk it was nightmare fuel I felt like someone was watching me. Uh but overall it was a high energy song maybe a bit too high energy for me 'cause I'm tired while writing this review but it wasn't really my preferred choice in music but I totally see me liking it like, a month from now !!

Devil In Her Heart ❤️: Maracas ?? 🤨whaarrrrr but uhm this one just felt like another song honestly. As I'm writing this review it's like, my 10th listen in the span of 3 days she's just not clicking 😭😭

Not A Second Time ⏰: Honestly the first few listens she felt bland like unseasoned chicken but now that I'm really listening it's got a simple little jive to her and I'm here for it !! It's got these vocal runs that I don't think I've heard before it's so unique!! Overall really liked her.

Money 💰: uh pink floyd who ???? But seriously this song rocks. Not the catchiest but it's true, she's REAL. I need MONEY

More album reviews on the way, next up: A Hard Days Night...

[donnabroadway]

Random thoughts

I love Mo'nique and I am glad she's being vindicated and getting everything she's been fighting for over the past 10+ years but her special, My name is Mo'nique should have been anything but a stand up special. It was very informative and I learned a lot about her and her life but maybe she should have done a documentary about her life over the last 10+ years or so or a loosely based biopic about her entire life and career but comedy specials are supposed to be funny and an hour of hearing about someone's trauma, while informative and well delivered, was not exactly funny. I enjoyed it but it wasn't a comedy special. I would have preferred it to be something else because I missed the jokes.

Side note, I hope Mo'nique has healed and made peace with her trauma or she's going to be in the same position she was in for the past 10 years. I am happy to see that Lee Daniels was in the audience supporting her. Mo'nique is so funny and talented and I'm glad she's working again.

As much as I've been secretly loving the Xscape drama from the past month or so, I need them to wrap it up by close of business next week. The finale is Sunday, which means everyone has three days to get their reviews out and say their peace and clear the air because after next week, I don't want to hear about it anymore. Whatever they say Latocha and Rocky did, they did, Tamika was a doormat who burned bridges and lost out on bags due to wanting the approval of her sister and mother, Kandi got to the bag and everyone is jealous, I am sure she has more than enough dirt on her and if anyone has any true tea on Kandi, now is the time to put it out there but since it's not even being rumored, I am going to assume that Kandi is less messy but just as messy, Tiny goes along to get along and she made a video to capitalize on this mess but spent 15 minutes saying not much of anything. SWV is creating drama on the show about being the "opening act" because these ladies know they don't want to do what needs to be done to get headliner money, which is truly invest in their shows. SWV may have sold more records and may have more bops but Xscape, namely Kandi and Tiny, are about their business and know how to get it done. SWV should get out their feelings and take notes.

So, it looks like Ashley and Wendy were seen filming for season 8 of Rhop, I wonder if Robyn will be back. She's not going to tell the truth about Juan and he won't tell the truth or even talk about it because he's trying to protect his mistress, so call it a wash. Robyn can make money another way.

As much as I applaud Bobby being where he is today in his life after all he's been through, maybe Bobby needs to figure out another way to make money because he is struggling through those New Edition shows. I get it, age, years of drug and alcohol abuse, health issues and just life in general but how long are y'all going to delude yourself into being grateful for Bobby being alive but he can't even get through one show without being helped on and off the stage. Maybe it is time to retire but Bobby has three young kids, probably does have not access to his catalog or masters as he only wrote a few songs, royalties may not be a lot depending on the business decisions he has made over the last 40 or so years, so all he has is touring and his life story, which is why he is always retelling his life story with Whitney Houston even though they've been divorced 17 years and she's been dead 11.

I get that music and art doesn't always age well but singing a song "back stage, under aged, the girl is gonna do me" at 20 or 21, when "underaged" may only be a 4 year or so age difference, is different than singing that line as a 54, 55 year old man. Maybe omit it, change it up, or let the audience sing it but t's a bit creepy. All of New Edition are old enough to have grandchildren that are teenagers or young adults and dating girls young enough to be your grand child is a bit, ick.

Speaking of underaged, I need Marques Houston to stop talking and just let people speculate. The math is not mathing. So there is proof that Marques Houston and his wife Maya, knew of each other when she was 13, nothing illegal there but we're supposed to believe that they magically began dating the day she turned 18, okay. It is weird and creepy but whatever. We're not stupid, stop trying to convince us of this math.

The reason why B2K can't get it together is because something nefarious, and probably very close to what Raz B has been alleging all these years, and they don't know how to reconcile everything that comes with that, including the confusing feelings, questioning of sexuality, probable attraction to their group mate, the anger, how Omarion was placed on a pedestal and given a pass, which is why it is always three against 1. They need a therapist but I don't even think a therapist can fix this because the issue is very deep and complex and no one seems to want to talk about it.

[mirrorforevers]

here, there, and everywhere • graham coxon/reader

this fic is based on two prompts y'all sent me:

and

this fic really tested all of my blur knowledge holy Fuck. blur as talking heads au i guess. how cool would it be if they

1. had a girl bassist instead of the cheese tory dude

2. werent as unhappy as they were in the mid 90s (just a bit)

3. were just a little 🤏🏻 bit more female friendly lets just pretend this is a universe where the blurjob passes didnt exist heh

it took me everything i had to make this sound as realistic as it could be. u know these girls who think they could fix patrick bateman or don draper? perhaps y’all could fix blur

consider this a gift n not only me writing for your prompt, @nottuned! thank u so much for all your support n encouragement n for always bein so sweet 🥺 i hope u enjoy reading it as much as i enjoyed writing it!

let’s see how many references to unfortunate britpop moments y’all can find in this

also i hope i captured the silliness of the gossip and drama in that era well. if you enjoyed it, please leave an ask telling me more! ur feedback is rly important to me 😔✊🏻

tw (?) reader has shitty parents

word count: 7.938 (this one's quite long!)

smut. set in the 90s. au.

You were unlocking your door when you heard your house phone ring. The shrill sound echoed through the empty corridors as you hurriedly unwrapped your scarf, tossing your keys and backpack on nearby furniture as you ran to answer the call.

“Hello?” You answer, panting.

“Y/N?”

“Dave?” You smile, that call was a very welcome surprise. Your friend owed you an answer.

-

A few weeks ago, Dave Rowntree, your music classmate who became a close friend, told you that he had teamed up with two other proficient musicians to form a band. Dave was ecstatic, and every day he had new stories about his new friends to tell you between breakfasts and lunches that you shared between the countless hours of rehearsals. Even though you weren't part of the group, you already felt that you knew Damon and Graham like the back of your hand. Yin and Yang. One was expansive, ambitious, vain, impulsive. The other, shy, introspective, anxious and careful.

Damon Albarn wanted to be an actor, Graham Coxon had a firm foot in the visual arts. One was a fan of grand classical compositions, the other was a Beatles fan. They had been friends since they were children, in a seemingly unbreakable bond. Damon dropped out of his theater class not only because out of a sudden he had found a bigger calling in music instead of acting, but also because he couldn't stand being away from his best friend for so long. You found yourself often imagining their faces and voices while trying to make all of the wild and endearingly funny stories Dave told you more tangible in your head.

It was not long before Dave started dropping little hints that they needed someone else for their project. “It’s not that Graham isn’t good at bass,” he’d say, “but we could do better.” It wasn't at the top of your plans to be part of a band right now, especially as you were preparing intensely to join the Royal Academy of Music, and he knew it. When you mentioned the conversations you had with Dave about the boys on your family dinner, in quiet wonder and timid want of being part of something really exciting, your parents wrinkled their noses. Focus on the greater things, they’d say. Don’t let these boys distract you from your goal.

Our goal, they meant to say. Since you were born, you never knew if the things you wanted were really your will or theirs.

But anyway.

That dynamic went on for a while, until the day Dave invited you to audition for them while you shared a Diet Coke in the tube home.

“Will it take too much of my time?” You asked, coyly.

“Bold of you to assume we’ll let you in that quickly.” He chuckles, amused by your confidence. You playfully elbow him in return. He knew how good you were at what you did, though, and there’s lightness in his tone when he continues, “But no, unless you let it. You’ll probably have to stand up to Damon every once in a while.” He sips the drink, handing it over to you.

“What about Graham? How much is he determined to make it big?”

“Damon’s the one who wants it the most. Graham’s studying Fine Arts at Goldsmiths, so. There’s still cautiousness in him.”

“Huh. Okay then.” You reply, thoughts running wild. “Do we have a time and date?”

“Is tomorrow ok to you?”

“Sure. After our class?”

“Perfect.” The train reaches his station. He ruffles your hair: “See you tomorrow then.”

“See you.”

You don’t tell anything about it to your parents, you just warn them that you’ll arrive a bit later than usual. Dave’s intel was crucial to your choice of songs: knowing Graham was the beatlemaniac and also the rational brake to Damon’s tireless ambition, you knew who to please and have as an ally, so you build an innovative and fresh mashup of Paul McCartney’s greatest basslines to play for them. Of course it could backfire, but you didn’t care. You had a hell of a good ear anyway and if Damon wanted you to play anything out of the blue, you would improvise beautifully over it.

The day comes. You didn’t know why you were that nervous for an amateur audition. You weren’t even sure if it was the right path to follow, given that, depending on how focused Damon really was and how contagious his aspiration was, being part of a band could really take you out of your predestinated course. The reason why you were so nervous, now thinking a little more about it, may be because deep inside, you want your path to be a little less predictable. You didn’t want to fill your heart with hopes that you might make it big and travel all over the world because you didn’t even know them. But… what if it clicks? You knew some people in the scene whose work was getting seriously recognized out there.

Meeting them for the first time was an enigmatic experience. Damon was incredibly brash and cocky - not the first theater kid you’ve met in your life. Graham was way more approachable, though also a bit conceited when pushed just right. You wondered if you’d fit in that boys’ club, and decided you wouldn’t be an easy target for discredit or any kind of shit they might give you. “Took me a while to fully get their trust. You’ll do just fine”, Dave said, out of their earshot.

That gave you more fuel to play amazingly well. Damon definitely wasn’t one to be impressed quickly, but he was, when you finished your set. So was Graham - Graham was starry eyed with your performance, actually. Albarn showed you a song and asked you if you could improvise to it, just as you imagined. Of course you could, on the first play. You even suggested some adjustments to its structure. Your feedback was welcomed and noted.

-

Even though everything went surprisingly well, you still weren't sure if you would be a member of “Seymour”, as they called themselves. (You knew it wasn’t the best name, but you didn’t have a better suggestion at the time so you’ve kept your opinion to yourself.) Graham became eerily quiet out of a sudden and wouldn’t cross eyes with you the entire time you were there. Damon, well, was Damon. Perhaps he thought you were too ordinary and mainstream for deciding to play Beatles when he’s trying to be the new avant-garde Jesus.

But Dave's news was different than you expected. “They really, really enjoyed your audition. As I thought they would.” You can hear the smile in his voice. "When can you rehearse with us?"

-

Months after, on your first gig as a fully formed and integrated band, Damon was hit in the face by a guy twice his size, Graham vomited onstage and you and Dave had to take care of both. A beautiful way to close the already exquisite day you had, after you fought with your parents, got kicked out of your childhood home and gave up on entering the Royal Academy of Music two days after you received your acceptance letter featuring rave reviews of your entrance exam.

Dealing with these boys - no, grown-ass men - was hard, but not completely unpleasant. If it were totally unpleasant, you wouldn’t give up on your entire life to embark on such an adventure.

You - plural you - were so gifted and Damon’s compositions were so good. You could see that artsy pretentious mess of an act going somewhere. Of course, you were a bit lost in your life, but so were they, as you ran from city to city meeting new people and trying new things in your journey to fame.

Loneliness, once a close friend, became a distant acquaintance. One you didn’t know anymore.

You confess you were getting worried, though, with how much money you had left on your savings and how much you were spending lately now that your parents weren’t an active part of your life. Wanting to eat something you cannot dream of buying without that money being really useful in a much more critical situation, not having nearly enough money to replace something important that broke or got torn off was frustrating. Some basic things became luxuries out of a sudden.

One day in particular, you very briefly mentioned that you were dying to eat a slice of chocolate cake, but your voice was so small and everyone was so immersed in their duties you thought no one gave two shits to what you said. Two days later, Graham arrived late at rehearsal with a small chocolate cake in his hands, handing it over to you like it was a completely ordinary act. Nothing in the way he acted told you he expected a reward, it was so natural and… gentle. You knew no one in your band could buy a chocolate cake without it being apocalyptic to their personal finances during that time.

That day, you were assured by fate that feeling lost together was better than feeling guided alone.

-

The band finally got on track - strictly musically speaking. Personally speaking, many contemporaries who followed you at parties and other events described you as an ever-growing odd, annoying and intermittently disarming bunch - and Blur and its members became household names, at least in the UK. It became harder and harder everyday to impose yourself as an entire industry and its target public aimed to tear you down. Men couldn’t understand.

(Graham Coxon was the one who tried the hardest to.)

It was four in the morning. You’ve got used to following your bandmates to hospitals, running away from trouble or knowing when to relish in it. But it was the first time you offered yourself to clean up dried blood from one’s face, given how much you hated seeing the fluid and even fainted when younger whenever exposed to it.

You, so delicately, wipe the saline solution-soaked cotton across Graham’s face, who flinches at the cold sensation on his still sensitive skin. He stares at you with the eyes of a child, and you couldn’t help but give him a slight, warm smile in return, which he retributes. Your face conveyed gratitude and affection towards the one you were taking care of. Your hands still struggled to stay completely still after the surge of adrenaline your body received a few hours ago.

Being the only girl in a massive band, and one the music magazines and mainstream media loved sexualizing, meant having paparazzis in your window in odd hours (not that that’s acceptable in any hour, but you had to lower your standards even more these days), meant having different photographers trying to pressure you to get into all kinds of uncomfortable angles with skimpy-ass dresses and just count on the intervention of your fellow bandmates so they would stop, also having invasive male fans who would try to harass you in any way they could.

Of course the day where one of your bandmates would get into a fist fight with one of these men inserted into these categories would come. And even though they were all protective of you, each in their own peculiar, increasingly contradictory way, Graham’s dedication to it was sometimes commendable.

You were making your way through a small corridor of people on your way to the stage when a random guy cupped one of your breasts. It’s not like the venue was incredibly tight, it could not have been on accident and it made your blood boil. You turned around to scream at him, and Graham, who was just behind you, threw a punch directly towards the man’s face, without thinking twice.

And oh boy, took a lot of people and a sweet amount of time to separate the two after that.

After all was said and done, Graham had a few scratches, a black eye and a cut brow. He kept dodging your many “sorrys”, “you didn’t have to do this” and other expressions of guilt. “You have nothing to be sorry about, he deserved it”, he kept assuring you, like a mantra, just giving in to your pleas when you supplicated to take care of his wounds during intermission and after the show.

“I get why you did what you did, Gra. I hate that you took such a risk because of me, but I understand.” you say, voice cracking from not using it for a while after spending some good minutes in complete silence taking care of him. “However,” you soak another cotton ball in the saline solution a roadie got you, punctuating the word with a squeeze to the cotton to remove excess liquid. “I was worried sick about you. What if he… had a knife or something? You could’ve got seriously injured. Or killed.”

“Don’t worry about me. I’m perfectly able to have a good fight,” after wincing from the contact of the cold wet cotton with his dried blood, he purses his lips in a forced, shy smile, trying to light up the mood. He notices your hands are still shaking from the adrenaline, and takes one of them in his bigger ones, trying to calm you down. The fact that he did this for you, coupled with the fear and how tired you felt of having to go through that kind of situation once again, made you cry-laugh from how overwhelmed you felt.

His expression changes to one of pure compassion in an instant. “Hey, don’t--oh my,” he gets up from his chair to embrace you as you pour your frustrations through fat tears running down his shoulder.

“It’s so exhausting,” you mumble, through sobs. “Now I’m putting you in danger too. I feel like I did and I’m still doing everything wrong. I should be the one giving you a shoulder to cry on.”

“You didn’t do anything wrong! Anything at all, I promise you,” he says, tenderly, running his hands through your hair, still holding you tight. “It was his fault! I decided it was the right thing to do. You’re worth the risk. What people have been putting you through is unacceptable.”

“I’m not worth the risk!” You break apart from his arms, trying to get your point across. “What would I do without you if someone killed you? You need to be more careful!”

The silence hangs heavy between you two thanks to the weight of your words.

“You should’ve asked me before you lunged at him, at least. I don’t know.” You wipe your many tears as you move towards the nearest bottle of water to try to calm yourself down. “It’ll never end. I’m so afraid that these situations will get even worse. That,” you motion at his wounds and dirty clothes, “is a bloody tragedy. It’s a tragedy things escalated to this point. You can’t do that forever.”

“This is just a consequence. And something I would do for you in a heartbeat whenever necessary.”

“Graham, I don’t want you to get hurt because--”

“They hurt you. I won’t let you go through that alone. Besides,” he comes closer to you again. “As I already told you, I can take care of myself, most of the time.” He takes your face in his hands, his fingers so delicately running across your cheeks to dry your tears. You knew that gesture wasn’t his way of asking you for anything you weren’t ready to give him yet. He just wanted you to feel safe. “And I want to take care of you.”

“I’m the one cleaning your wounds.”

“A great partnership, I think.” Coxon chuckles softly, and finally gets a smile out of you. As he always does. “And they make me look cool, don’t you think?”

“Shut up.” You giggle, still feeling too emotional to return to the stage. You sigh: “Thank you for being there for me. You know I’m still not very used to it. Just please be safe.”

The roadie returns, a little flustered by interrupting your little moment together. “5 minutes and you’re back, guys.”

“Okay!” You both turn to answer her.

“I’ll be. No need to thank me for anything, Y/N.” He answers, giving your forehead a little kiss. “Let’s go.”

“Give me two minutes. I’ll be right behind you.”

-

“What’s it like, being the only woman in the band?”

Four eyerolls at once don’t seem to faze the interviewer. She waits for your response.

Apparently the thousand invasive questions regarding Damon’s love life and the same bullshit treatment of women as either rare specimen or sex dolls is what pleases the audience of music TV shows these days.

“What do you think?” is what you say.

“Must be a thrill to have these beautiful boys around you all the time. And we’ve heard you never even took advantage of it!”

You don’t like where this is heading. “Is that… a bad thing? I don’t know what you mean.”

“Perhaps some of our lady viewers might think it is. No judgement though!” She raises her hands. “You do you, it’s just that it’s quite unexpected to see prudes in non-Christian bands. I mean… from what we’ve heard.”

“I’m sorry? What are you trying to say? What did you hear?”

Her tongue clicks while she stares at you with defiance and mischief on her eyes, as she goes a little further and raises her voice so it can overlay yours. “Oh love. You do know what I’m talking about. There’s no need to be ashamed of being a virgin.”

Your cheek burns intensely and the only thing you wished for was for the ground to swallow you whole. Dave and Graham are especially uncomfortable. Damon’s a bit amused. The three knew almost everything there was to know about you. The one topic that surprisingly they didn’t know about is that you’re still a virgin.

They know you’ve been single for a long time. They know that’s part of what draws so much attention and twisted lore regarding you and your past, but that’s not something they felt they needed to know about you at all, and you truly never felt the need to comment about that with any of them, and they haven’t asked. Not even Mr. “the way to be successful in this game is to make all the boys wanna be you and all the girls wanna sleep with you. In your case that’d work in reverse” Damon Albarn.

“Is that even something that should be discussed in an interview about our music? Is that what your boss told you to ask her about?” Dave answers, his tone venomous.

“Musicians are way more than just music. You’re entertainment in every sense of the word.”

“Who told you that about me?” You asked, not sure if you want to know the answer.

“A lovely elderly lady who lives in Elgin Crescent. She knows you so well.”

That’s your mum. That’s how far low your relationship has degraded. You’re not surprised. That doesn’t feel less like a punch on your gut, but you don’t feel like tumbling again. Not today.

“I know who you’re talking about. Tell her I asked her to go fuck herself and burn in hell. In that order.”

“But that’s your--”

“Yes, she is my mum!” If people are going to expose you anyway, then why don’t you do it on your terms? “We’re truly entertainment in every sense of the word, aren’t we. Not everyone’s mum’s a cunt. Some of us aren’t that lucky.”

“You want to be the next Gallagher sister with the spicy remarks?”

“Not sure. But I do want to be the last person you ever get to interview.”

-

The management of the band wasn’t at all surprised your interview became UK’s topic of the week. People were heavily divided between family is family and we shouldn’t hate our relatives and blood isn’t everything, family can be shitty too. Your bandmates were proud of you. The management was angry but tried to understand, and didn’t press you for further explanations. They suggested a two-week break from everything so Blur could rest their image and start a fresh cycle after that, and you gracefully accepted it.

The whole thing seemed so ridiculous the more you thought about it. Did your mum tell the reporter about that gratuitously? What was their conversation like? How did that even happen?

You became the butt of jokes in some places. You saw other famous people doing challenges between them, countdowns, all sorts of crude remarks. What a pathetic, sad chapter of your career.

You dial Graham, and you feel like your heart was about to burst out of your chest.

“Hey, Gra. It’s me.”

“Hey, Y/N.” He sounds pleasantly surprised. “How's it going?”

“Better, I guess. I have to take my mind off all that chaos though. Are you available right now?”

“Yeah.”

“You’ve been owing me a movie night for quite a while now and I miss spending time with you. Wanna come over?”

“Aww. Sure, I--um. Do you want me to bring anything?”

“I’m pretty sure I got everything we need here--ah… I think I don’t have any more beers.”

“I’ll buy some then. See ya in a few minutes.”

Actually, you couldn’t take all that chaos off your mind because that was the only thing in it. You’re feeling so nervous.

The main reasons sex wasn’t a priority for you until now were:

You didn’t have any real opportunities of losing your virginity in your teens. You were impossibly introspective until, like, 3, 4 years ago, and the way your family worked hasn’t really allowed you to get really close to people. Be it boyfriends, girlfriends or just friends. Anything that threatened to take time off the various tasks and classes your parents assigned to you just couldn’t be part of your life. To be honest, you still struggled a bit to form meaningful connections with people thanks to how you grew up.

The moment you stopped being shy, you noticed it was a real man’s world out there, especially in music, classical or not. You didn’t want anyone to think you fucked your way up to the top, you didn’t want any messy affairs. Also, you had yourself, and you didn’t get all of the hype regarding the concept of screwing someone. But apparently there’s a lot you’ve been missing, given the importance people seem to give to it. After that incident, even though you swore to yourself you wouldn’t give in to any kind of misogynistic pressure, that was one that really got under your skin.

You never really found someone who you felt 100% safe with in that sense until the one who’s about to arrive at your house appeared in your life. Bloody hell, and you don’t even have anything romantic going on. By the time you were a Blur member, you’ve fooled around a bit, but not all the way. You knew how to kiss, knew how to touch yourself and even brought manual satisfaction to some random fool you thought you were into one time. But perhaps this is the time to go all the way. Why not? Everyone knew how close you two were. He made you feel special. He was so kind. And gorgeous. And--

You hear a knock on your door. It’s him. Beers in hand, hair somewhat in place, twitchy as ever.

He comes inside and you feel like your legs will give up anytime. It was not the first time he visited you. It was one of many, actually, and he noticed you were acting… different.

“Y/N, are you okay?” He asks after a brief dialogue between you two, after plating some snacks for both of you.

“Graham...” You sigh, being really careful with your words. “What is your perception of me?”

“My perception of you?” He smiles. “I… think you’re great. You’re fun to be around. You’re one of the best musicians I know, if not the best. Why are you asking me that?”

“N-nothing. It’s nothing. Also, I asked the wrong question. What was your first perception of me?”

“Uh… the day of your audition?”

“Exactly. You barely talked to me that day.”

His eyes lower to his own feet. “I was really timid, actually. I wasn’t used to being near any girl, especially one who… w-would spend so much time around me if everything went well.”

You giggle. “I thought you hated me.”

“Never!” his smile turns into a full blown laughter. You melt at his confession. “Also because it seemed like you were trying to read my mind or something.”

“Of course! Because I thought you hated me!” Now that was a laughter you two shared. You do a voice: “‘Why is that pesky girl trying to get in my band?’”

“My goodness, no! I don’t even sound like that - you know what, I changed my mind. You suck. Because, besides the fact you don’t even know what I sound like, you still haven’t told me why you are asking me that in the first place.”

You couldn’t help but notice how he slightly cornered you physically in one of the kitchen corridors. Graham could be really persuasive when he wanted to.

“Okay. Right. Um. I’ve been thinking about some stuff.”

“What, exactly?”

“Everything that happened this month. The great virginity debacle,” you roll your eyes, and he scoffs.

“You don’t own anyone any information about what you do or don't do with your life. Everyone’s being so invasive. That was incredibly childish of the reporter to do, and we talked about that hundreds of times.”

“Yeah, but… you know what, forget it.”

“Tell me, Y/N. I just said that because I want you to know you were not in the wrong.”

“I know. It’s just… I’ve been thinking that maybe it’s silly for me to… keep closing myself for affection. Any kind of affection.”

“What are you talking about?” His brows furrowed in curiosity.

“I’m not sure if it’s the pressure that finally got under my skin, but… I’m willing to learn what all the fuss is about. Maybe it’s silly that I’m still a virgin.”

He bites his lips, still processing what you just said, expression unreadable. Perhaps you’ve treaded a ground you shouldn’t. You step back both literally and figuratively. “I’m sorry I even brought that up--”

“No, no, don’t be.” He assures you. “I’m just… surprised, that’s all. I swear.”

“And...” You know what. You already went too far, so why not go all the way. You’ve already gone way past the point of no return. “I was wondering if… you would… popmycherry?”

His eyes widen, yours still closed. When you finally open them, he’s closer to you again.

If his head was a machine, you’re sure it would be releasing lots of steam and shaking due to overprocessing. You felt like you just ruined everything.

“Y/N, you don’t need to do it if you don’t really want to.”

“But I want it! At first I thought I didn’t, but then I thought...”

“I don’t want to be part of that if you’re just doing it to fulfill weird expectations.”

“But it’s not that. Not just... that. I asked about your perception of me because I really like you, Gra. I think we should be more than friends and I wanted to know what you think about me. And I want to know what the fuss is about, yes, but I’m not telling you that just so I can lose my virginity to prove some point. I’m telling you that because I like you, I want to kiss you, and I think it would be a great idea if you showed me what it’s like. Y-you know, sex.”

“I-I can’t believe it. Did you even have any movie in mind?” His smile’s back, but you’re still not confident about what his answer will be.

“I didn’t. I’m sorry. You don’t have to--”

He sighs. “I was in love with you the moment I first saw you, actually.” He says it like he’s releasing a huge load out of his back, his arms crossed. Now your eyes widen, and you hold your breath without even noticing. “I didn’t want you to feel pressured. I know how you feel, or, felt about relationships, so… there wasn’t any reason for me to tell you that. And what I said about being timid was just half of the truth.”

“Huh?”

“I also was really intimidated by how pretty you looked. You can’t imagine how.”

“No way.”

“It’s true. I felt like I wasn’t even worthy of looking at you, really.”

“You’re joking. That’s mean, Gra.”

“I’m not. I’m really not.” He doesn’t look like he is joking. He looks relieved. “I’m really not. That’s why I’m so surprised by your request.”

“I’m nothing special.”

“You are everything to me. But I can’t accept your offer, not now.”

“Are you… seeing someone? Am I too late?”

“No. Definitely not. I just want you to be sure you’re not doing it because people are saying you should.”

“Graham, I’m a grown woman.”

“I know.”

Graham carefully presses his slightly chapped lips to yours, kissing you for a few precious, heart stopping seconds before pulling away; his voice is impossibly silky when he suggests, “Let’s watch a movie. How about The Godfather? I heard it’s airing tonight. Then, if in two weeks you don’t change your mind, tell me and I’ll be glad to help you with what you want. Do we have a deal?”

“That’s so unfair. I want you so bad.” You whisper.

“Tell me if you still do in two weeks.”

You sigh, defeated. “...Deal.”

-

You definitely notice the subtle shift in Graham’s personality and actions after that fateful night. If you were already close, both figuratively and literally, it now seemed like he would use any excuse to always touch you, be near you, sometimes tease you. The shift was subtle, though, don’t forget it’s still Graham Coxon we’re talking about - the constant “is it okay if”s or “is it alright if I”s were still there, as careful as ever. You don’t even talk about your deal that entire time, or even kiss again - sometimes you wondered if it was even real or just a fabrication of your mind.

The way he now caressed your hand discreetly when you listened to Damon’s ramblings, the way his hands now went directly to your waist when your games became too handsy, the way he seemed to be madly in love with everything you were and still are from the start - made you realize you were ready for this man to be a consistent part of your life.

The dust of the controversy was settled, and your own intentions were 100% clear to you now. The societal pressure has waned. The need for Graham to be your first persisted. After exactly 2 weeks have passed, you call him again, yearning to share the answer with him.

One beep.

Two beeps.

Three beeps.

Four beeps. “Hello?”

You release a sigh hidden deep inside of your lungs. “Graham, it’s Y/N.”

“Oh. It’s been two weeks.” You could hear the contemplative tone of his voice.

“...Yeah. That’s precisely the reason I’m calling you.”

“Do you still want to…?”

“...Desperately.”

“Ok.” He chuckles, flustered as hell on the other side of the phone, probably one of the prettiest sounds you’ve ever heard. “Right. Ok. Your place or mine?”

“I think there’ll be an element of mystery if I go to your place this time.” You lose some of the constraints this silly shyness has been tying you on. “Do you have everything we might need there?”

“We don’t need a dungeon, you know.”

“The basics.” You make your smile heard.

“I do have… I do have the basics.”

“See you in a few minutes then.”

“Will you want to… ease into it? Or just go straight to it?”

“God, don’t make it awkward!” Your cheeks burn, your smile turning into contagious laughter. “Maybe… I don’t know. Ease into it, I guess? A movie night… but with s-something else?”

“Okay. Sounds good.”

“Alright then. See you.”

“See you.”

-

You don’t choose any particularly fancy or sexy clothes, instead settling for a slightly oversized yellow striped shirt he gave you as a birthday present some months ago and some skirt that fit you well. He wasn’t one to lavish his loved ones with gifts all the time, but few things were as precious as the look on his face whenever he saw you wearing something he gave you or, hell, even eating something he paid for you. You’re thrilled to see it again when he opens the door for you, it easing some of your deepest doubts.

2001: A Space Odyssey is already playing on the TV when you arrive. Despite it being one of your favorite movies of all time, and his, you’re not mad it was already halfway through when you arrived. It wasn’t your main priority to rewatch it for the 17th time tonight.

He offers you some wine, which you accept to ease the nerves. You sit on his couch, and he shares the cozy space with you, now mindlessly throwing one of his arms around your shoulders. You cuddle up to him, and everything seems peaceful in the world for a while.

The tip of his fingers softly caress your lifted knee, absentmindedly. You couldn’t help but notice how well his body fits with yours, how your skin was apparently made for him to touch, and the anxiety rumbles in your stomach like a storm in a wild wavy sea. After some minutes, you raise your head, his big brown eyes meeting yours as if asking you a silent question. You leaned up a bit more to press your lips to his, in a silent answer. The sweetness in him makes this moment as precious as every other moment you ever shared with him. His hands enter your hair, making you shiver a bit from the unfamiliarity and the electricity of it all - but it doesn’t sway you from deepening the kiss, wanting more of his taste, more of this, more of him.

“Do you wanna take this to the bed?” He whispers, after noticing your moans were becoming more frequent and needy. You nod, and you are taken by surprise when he carries you bridal style to it, hiding your excited giggles in his broad shoulders.

Graham wasn’t exactly the most organized man in the world - so the fact that his bedroom was now impossibly tidy was something that positively caught your attention. He put some planning into this. He lays you down and you part your legs, beckoning him to meet you between them. He does, and you go back to the breathtaking makeout session. You notice he’s holding himself back a bit, taking his time, his warm tongue moving smoothly, not hurriedly, against yours. His self control falters a bit though, given how he can’t stop grinding against you. You follow the rhythm of his hips a bit timidly and not nearly as in sync as you’d really like, though the pressure his covered cock is creating against your core can already be felt and some particular thrusts are able to fill at least partially the aching, wet need growing within you.

“How do you feel about oral?” He asks, breath warm near your ear, his voice raspy and spent by his desire for you.

“Um… It would be my first time receiving or doing it.”

“Would you like me to go down on you?”

“Wow. I never thought I would hear you saying something like that.” You smile, still assimilating the situation you’re in, trying not to show how badly his voice is affecting you. “Sure.”

“I never thought I would get to propose this to you. Aren’t we full of surprises lately.” He smiles back, warmly. He notices your hands trembling a bit from how anxious you are while you’re taking off your underwear with his help, and as he lowers himself to where you need him most, he takes your hands in his as an act of reassurance. “Tell me what you like. Tell me if what I’m doing works for you. I want this to be a great experience.”

“You want me to get addicted to you, that’s what you want,” He chuckles, lovingly kissing your thigh as a reply. “Okay, Gra. Guess I’ll find out along the way.”

You quickly take a peak below you to see the lower half of his face disappear in the middle of your thighs. The sight alone sets your fire ablaze, as he hooks his arms around your thighs and lifts you closer to his mouth, his lips ghosting over the curls between your legs tantalizingly and his breath catching when your hips jerk forward.

As he begins his ministrations, you immediately notice it’s unlike anything you’ve ever felt. That feeling was completely alien to you. It was even wetter than you expected, and weird, but powerfully pleasant. Before this exact moment, you had a firm belief that hardly anyone else would make you feel the same way, or better, than you do yourself, but apparently you were very wrong. Thankfully you were wrong. “My god,” you gasp as the flat of his tongue drags over your folds, too much and not enough, and you jerk at the contact. “This is great. So weird, but-- great.”

He moans at your response, his movements carefully enthusiastic. He works his tongue between your folds and traces up to curl the tip of it around your clit, and it’s quite endearing and madly arousing to see how he eats out you like you’re the sweetest and tastier dessert he has ever tasted. You involuntarily buck against him with a desperate sound the moment he moves his tongue and lips in a particularly wicked way, something that definitely doesn’t go unnoticed by him, but you still feel the need to highlight in case it didn’t - “That. Keep doing that, please,”

And he does. The building of this climax is also different than the ones you already had by your own hands, and is more coy. As he sees the drops of sweat sliding along your soft skin and the expressions on your face as you get lost in this new but enchanting sensations, his hesitation and self-control fades away; there’s nothing uncertain in the way he buries his face in your cunt now, nothing restrained in the groan he lets out as he devours you and drinks you down as if you’re the first stream of water he has seen in days.

His tongue glides deeper in your folds again and again, swirling up through the wetness you’re coated with to tease at your clit while he grunts and strains closer, squeezing your thighs with both hands tight. The wave of heat inside of you is cresting so fast, you don't even know how to tell him, how to signal that you’re nearly done for and, in the end, it happens too fast to even try. He sucks at your clit, circling it with his tongue, once, twice, and then you’re crying out, shaking underneath him, trying to keep your thighs from clenching too hard around his head as he laps you through it with with urgent whimpers and moans, as if he cannot have enough of you.

You’re still trembling when he rises, the look on his face revealing to you how proud he feels by making you feel this way. It looks so good on him.

You fail miserably at the simple task of connecting words together after that, choosing instead to collect your remaining strength, prop yourself up and beckon him again to keep kissing him and learn, through his talented tongue, how you taste. He kisses the thin fabric of the shirt at your chest that covers you from view, your throat, your jaw, and before he reaches your impatient lips, he notes, sinfully, “Seems like you enjoyed yourself, love.”

“That was… unbelievable. Stars, I want to make you feel good too. Please show me how.”

“Keep kissing me,” he begs, voice still strained from how aroused he is. “I want to be inside you so bad. Let’s get you prepared.” You’re still so sensitive, you tread on overstimulation when his fingers lightly touch your clit, making you break the kiss in a hiss. He traces a line on your folds, inspecting the impact his mouth had on you. “So wet for me.”

“Bit slower, Gra,” He complies to your breathy plea, his fingers now more tame as he slowly spreads your wetness throughout your pussy. He stretches towards the nightstand to grab a bottle of lube, interrupting his contact to spread some on his fingers before unhurriedly slipping his middle finger inside of you. The coldness of the gel makes you shiver in surprise, the easiness brought by it very welcomed. Again - the sensation is odd. Completely unfamiliar. The feeling of having something inside of you for the first time, going further than you ever dared to try, probing, exploring; the coldness of the lube clashing against your burning hot cunt. But it also felt nice. The focused look on his face was adorable, he looked like he was a scientist in the middle of very complex research.

Despite the panting, the messy hair and the fire in his eyes.

Your body already has a lot of new sensations to process simultaneously, so when he asks you to take off your bra and shirt so his tongue can work on your nipples - which you gladly accept, you feel like you’re on sensual overload. His tongue, again, so talented, takes your mind off the slight burning you feel when he introduces his ring finger to your soaked, throbbing core, his focused, carefully overpowering and constant stimulation driving you insane.

“Does it feel good?” He asks, voice muffled by your breast. You nod, carried by the wave of pleasure sweeping you.

“Yes. God, yes.” You pant, tangling your fingers tightly on his thick hair as an encouragement, a desperate sound escaping from your lips the moment he reaches a certain point within you you didn’t even know existed, hot mouth continuing to lick and suck your nipple. Even though you were spent by your last orgasm, he was indeed getting you addicted to those new feelings, and even though this was heavenly, truly heavenly, you needed more. “Gra, I’m ready, I think.”

“You sure?”

“Yes. Please.”

Releasing your nipple from his lips with a sounding pop, he eagerly frees himself from his trousers - hard as a brick - and puts protection and lubrication on, swiftly positioning himself between your thighs while stroking himself to the sight in front of him. You motion to take off your skirt, and he holds your hand, not letting you. “Don’t. It’ll be really hot to fuck you in this.” He confesses, giving your forehead a kiss in a very different context than before. He aligns his forehead with yours, each of your lips just barely touching while you breathe each other’s air. He looks deep into your eyes, slowly running the tip of his cock between the slick folds of your pussy, coating himself in the remnants of your pleasure. “Do you trust me?”

You trust me to know your limits? Not to go any further if you don’t really want me to?

“Absolutely.”

The only response you get from him is a shuddering, helpless moan into your mouth and you hold him tighter to you, grinding your still sensitive cunt up against his cock while he pulls hard at the soft fur next to your head. You feel your soaking pussy lips part around the solid curve of his length and gradually coat the underside of him in slick with every gentle circle and roll your hips make, as he finally pulls away from your mouth to drop his forehead to your neck. He then, very slowly, penetrates you, stopping when he hears the noises you make indicating you’re struggling to adjust to his presence. Out of everything you’ve felt in the last minutes, this was by far the most painful sensation. “This-- is new,” you note, your face completely incapable of hiding the discomfort. He also notices that.

“Are you okay? Do you want me to stop?”

“It’s okay. I’ll get used to it.”

“It’s not supposed to be about endurance, you know.” He says, a bit breathless and worried, caressing your hair. “Tell me when it’s okay to move. Or if you feel too much pain.”

After some long seconds and some deep breaths, you say: “Okay. Go on.”

“As you wish.”

He moves inside you at a very slow pace, the lubrication clearly making it easier for you to handle it. It still hurts, significantly, but the sensation of being filled is also surprisingly arousing.

His hand moves to your sensitive clit again in small, measured circles, your little moans being a mixture of the pain of penetration and the sheer ecstasy of seeing him falling apart because of you. The way his chest heaves while the drops of sweat start pearling his fair skin, the furrowed brows and broken groans, the thickness of him as he rests heavy up against your entrance, the way his voice presses deliciously tight in his throat as he gasps out into the quiet room - everything’s making your chest burst in love and satisfaction. You tighten your grip around him and roll your hips up into his cock, letting it break you open nice and slow; it stretches you wide with a deliciously sharp fullness and pleasure rips through you, and Graham becomes even more vocal as he picks up a steady and gradually faster pace. He turned all of your keys, it’s about time you turn some of his.

“Graham, deeper,” you whimper, continuing to tighten your legs and hoist yourself up, lifting your hips to take his cock deeper inside you. His name rips itself from your throat while Coxon clenches his jaw and starts to lose himself in the pleasure, holding you down into the bed while he allows your desperation to guide him to the perfect angle and speed to sate you. He found denying you to be impossible.

He snarls and curses as he holds you down and rails you, determined to make you sing again before he finishes, and to his delight, your heightened sensitivity gives him what he wants. And this time, he couldn't hold on.

Graham kisses you one last time as he groans and gives in, head dropping to your neck again. You didn’t reach a second climax, but stars, what an experience you just had.

When he comes back to himself enough to realise he still had you practically folded in half, he carefully pulls his softening cock free, taking the condom off and taking the strands of hair out of your face as you struggle to catch your breath. You suggest a shared bath, a suggestion he gladly accepts.

Too tired and too sore for pillow talk, comfortable silence falls as your hand finds his, and you lay, listening to each other’s breathing slowly settle.

I could get used to his little snore on my chest, is the last thought that twinkles on your mind before you fall asleep snuggled with him.

[ordinaryschmuck]

Why I (Want To) Love Amphibia

Salutations random people on the internet who probably won't read this. I am an Ordinary Schmuck. I write stories and reviews and draw comics and cartoons. If you've been paying attention to my posts, you would have known that I made a top twenty list of the best-animated series of the 2010s. And if you read my Honorable Mentions list, you would have known that I consider Amphibia one of those shows that, while I like it, I wouldn't go so far as to say that it's one of the best. Don't get me wrong. It's good. But there are issues that I have with Amphibia, and I can't recommend it without being hesitant. I still like it fine, but I doubt some people will be as forgiving as me. So I'm going to explain the quality and faults that the show has, while still being considerate to those who do love it. Because unlike some people who would make a two-hour-long video essay about how much they hate something, I can at least acknowledge that while something doesn't entirely work for me, that doesn't mean it won't work for everyone else. Because there is a reason why this show has such a following...I don't think it's earned, but I won't knock people down when they love something I find passable. And I hope that respect goes both ways as I explain why I (want to) love Amphibia.

Also, this review is going to contain spoilers for the entire series. So if you haven't checked it out yet, I recommend you do it to form your own opinion. Season one is on Disney+, and you're on your own for season two. And I suggest you find a legal way to watch it if you can, because I'm not going to leave a link to a pirating website filled with every animated series and movie you can find. And I'm definitely not going to insert that link into a random letter in this review with the thought that if you have to pirate something, then you might as well work for it. Because that would be crazy.

...

Stop being crazy.

....

Anywho, let's start with:

WHAT I LIKE

The Comedy: Let it be known that this show is funny. Like, really funny. I wouldn't go so far as to say that it's funnier than Gravity Falls, which got me chuckling with every episode, but Amphibia definitely hits more than it misses. There are occasions when the jokes aren't really character-oriented and could be said by anybody in the Plantar Family, but if they're still funny, then who am I to complain. Although there is one issue that I have with the comedy. But I'll save that for when I talk about what I don't like. For now, I can assure you that if you're hoping for some laughs, Amphibia has plenty to offer.

Warnings Against Toxic Relationships: But even the best comedies know when to offer some substance. Because I won't lie, when Anne described what is clearly a toxic friendship in the second episode, I was hooked. I love it when kids shows breach topics that can be important for children down the line. And for the most part, I think Amphibia does it well. There are so many instances that the writers' point out the several red flags that a person should avoid when it comes to a friendship and when it's time to either cut that person from your life and stand up for yourself. One of my favorite episodes is "Prison Break," where Sasha explains how she manipulates people and shows zero remorse for it. Then there's the episode "The Sleepover to End All Sleepovers" that shows how a person's influence can affect others and how much it changes perception as Anne and Marcy still believe they need someone like Sasha in their lives...At least I hope that's what the intention is. Because if the writers are trying to say that Anne and Marcy really need someone like Sasha...Well, I'll save that for my dislikes. Because even though it could use a little polishing, warning kids about toxic relationships is what keeps me hooked into seeing what happens next in this series.

It’s Not Afraid to go Dark: On top of breaking borders with morals intended for kids, I just gotta respect a show for playing around with what's considered "too dark." Especially if that show is on the Disney Channel!

The writers are not afraid to imply that death happens in the world of Amphibia, primarily because it is like a swamp ecosystem filled with predators and food chains. And I feel like because the characters are mostly amphibians, the writers can get away with an entire cave filled with the bones of victims as long as they're not humans. But frogs? No one gives a crap about them. There's a reason they're the ones who get dissected in schools.

Plus, a good majority of the monsters that Anne and the Plantars face are pretty horrifying at times. The crew who work on the show do a great job balancing the line of making these creatures look scary, but never go too far that they'll scar kids for life. Except in the Halloween special...How the f**k did they get away with the monsters in the Halloween special? And while they don't ever show what these monsters do, the implications honestly make things much worse, which again, I kind of respect. It's good to have shows like Amphibia that can scare kids a little bit. Getting through something fictitiously dark helps make kids feel braver and prepare them for the real horrors in the world. Especially since most of these creatures are just exaggerated versions of real-life predators...google them.

The Season One Finale: It was "Reunion" that made me realize that Amphibia has the potential to be amazing...it's also the last episode of season one, so let that sink in.

Joking aside, I honestly do love this episode. It's funny, it brings in elements from other episodes, nearly everybody does something useful, and it all ends with a satisfying and equally gut-wrenching climax. A climax, by the way, that is so perfect that I'm going to do a scene breakdown for why it's so good...so, you know, add that to the to-do list (I have so much s**t to make -_-). "Reunion" has so many elements about what makes a season finale so good that I feel like future writers should take notes for their own series that they plan to make. While I wish every episode of Amphibia had this level of quality, the writers know that the last impression is one of the most important. Because I will defend this show if this is the episode people use to trash it.

Marcy: I will also defend this show if someone trashes Marcy. Trust me, the best way to tell that someone is just hating on Amphibia for little to no reason is if they utter the word, "Marcy is a bad character." That is not true. Marcy is a great character, and I'd go so far as to say she's the best character in the series. She's sweet, adorable, and has a story ten times more interesting than Anne's. Anne learns what a sincere relationship is like through the Plantars, where Marcy falls victim to another manipulative relationship through King Andreas. It's her co-dependency that has the chance to get fleshed out more, and I can't wait to see if she has a moment to break out and form her own path.

Also, in the mass expanse of the multiverse, there exists a world where Amphibia is about the adventures that Marcy had in Newtopia as she uses Dungeons and Dragons logic to get by. And I want to see that universe! Because this clumsy nerd is already a blast to watch with the briefest of cameos. Imagine how much fun she would be if she had her own series!

Sprig: I don't know how much love Sprig gets within the fandom, but I got a feeling that it's not enough. He's funny without being annoying (most of the time), there's a whole lot of heart and sincerity to his actions, and above all else, he's the best friend that Anne needed. When Anne explained her very flawed views about friendship in "Best Fronds," it is clear how essential someone like Sprig is as he teaches Anne what friendship really means. It means caring for each other, supporting each other, making equal sacrifices for one another, and just being on the same page as each other. It is genuinely sweet seeing their friendship bloom, and I honestly hope the Amphibia fandom gives Sprig the amount of appreciation he deserves. Sure, he can be annoying sometimes, but for the most part, he's easily up there as one of my favorite characters.

Wally: Same with Wally! Who would have guessed that a character who appears as an dumb source of comic relief has a level of depth and lovability to him? "Wally and Anne" shows that while he is a nonsensical goofball, he doesn't really care what the frogs of Wartwood think of him. What matters is what he thinks of him. And that is just an incredible lesson to teach kids that just makes me love Wally more. 

(It also helps that he's probably the funniest character in the show. I know I said that he's dumb, but when he works, he works.)

Kermit the Frog Cameo: ...It's Kermit the Frog, y'all. I physically can't hate him. Especially since this is the perfect show for him to make a cameo in!

WHAT I DON’T LIKE

Anne’s Character: I don't have a problem with Anne. I think she's a serviceable protagonist, and I love the fact that she's Thai, offering a form of Asian representation other than Chinese, Japanese, or Korean. But here's the problem with Anne: After a season and a half, I still don't know what her character is. If you were to ask me to describe a Disney show protagonist within one sentence, I could do it effortlessly. Watch:

Star Butterfly: An adrenaline junky of a warrior princess who slowly learns to be responsible with each passing season.

Luz Noceda: A generous nerd that obsesses about fantasy and fiction, who still understands when to take a step in reality when the moment calls for it.

Scrooge McDuck: An old Scottish miser who has the heart of adventure and is a duck that almost loves his family as he loves his money.

For Anne, I don't know where to start because her personality is so inconsistent. Sometimes she makes friends with others without even trying, and other times, she gets on others' nerves easily. Sometimes she's a thrillseeker with the heart of adventure, and other times, she's a person who prefers to hang back and avoid doing work. And sometimes she's the only sane character with logical advice, and other times she's the most insane character who needs advice. Now, you could argue that these are all character traits that make Anne multidimensional. But if you ask me, it seems like her personality is dependent on what the writers want her to be for the episode. Someone like Luz going back and forth between two traits only works if there is a dominant personality trait that takes over the other. If Luz spends an entire episode being angry and serious, it proves that there's more to her than just a character that's nerdy and optimistic. But it's clear she is still that lovable nerd by having her say a corny line like, "Talk to the glyphs, Witch!" But because Anne has so many personality traits, it's hard to tell which is the norm and what is out of character. Case in point: Having Anne obsess over hang-gliding in one episode and doing a puzzle in the next is off as neither correlates with each other. Nor do they tell me who Anne is, other than the fact that she's clearly a character lacking a singular identity. And seeing how she's the main character, the one audiences are supposed to root for and identify with, it's probably not a good thing.

The Story: For the record, I have no problems with the story itself...the way it's written, however...

First off, there's too much filler. This isn't necessarily a bad thing, as filler episodes have the potential to be fun when written well. The problem is that relying on filler instead of telling your story can leave some people (me) uninterested and angry. And the thing is, there is a perfect way to avoid filler that doesn't involve telling the overarching narrative: Introduce personal plotlines. Look at The Owl House, for example. There are several character-oriented narrative threads that get introduced within the first few episodes. Such as Luz learning magic, Eda's curse, her relationship with Lilith, and Amity's redemption. Therefore, The Owl House avoids any filler episodes just as long as it focuses on any of these plotlines and even introduces new ones. Amphibia has the plotlines, but it rarely focuses on them. Especially since the story takes way too long to develop. 

Every time I think the show is finally going to start moving forward and we can continue the story, there are like ten more filler episodes where everything comes to a screeching halt. Now, to be fair, there is an explanation why we're forced to wait for the story to move forward, and it's because the characters are forced to wait as well. But, even then, there could have been better ways to pad out that waiting than just adding filler. For example, I may not have been forced into an alternate universe where nearly everything wants to kill me, but if I was, I WOULD SPEND EVERY WAKING MINUTE I HAVE TRYING TO FIGURE OUT A WAY BACK! In the first season, how many episodes does Anne spend trying to figure out the mystery of how she got there and how to go home? Two. There are two whole episodes, out of thirty-nine, where Anne tries to figure things out...That is insane to me. But to be fair, season two is doing a much better job at moving things along...but it doesn't change the fact that the writers are kind of bad at telling their own story.

There are two episodes, "Anne Vs. Wild" and "Lost in Newtopia," where the story continues, but it's only in the last few minutes. The problem is that if you take those endings out, the episodes themselves do not change a bit. BUT because those are significant and essential moments for the plot, you can't take them out. Resulting in scenes that, while intriguing, come across as awkward in the long run. So now, my question is why. Why is the story handled so poorly? And I have one theory.

It Feels Like the Writers Can’t Decide What they Want the Show to be: Sometimes it seems like Amphibia is written as a pure slice of life series like Big City Greens. However, there are times when the show seems like it's intended to mix slice of life with fantasy like Gravity Falls. Now here's the problem: Big City Greens and Gravity Falls are two very different shows in terms of storytelling, tone, and character work. Big City Greens is an episodic comedy series where character development is unimportant, and the adventures rarely go beyond just being wacky. As for Gravity Falls, it is a show that is semi-serialized where the character development is constant, and the fantasy-adventures are always prevalent in every episode. And there are several episodes of Amphibia that could be a part of either show. Episodes like "Stakeout," "Lily Pad Thai," and "Little Frog Town" have plots that I can see being in Big City Greens. Then there are episodes like "The Domino Effect," "Toad Tax," and "Marcy at the Gates" that I could see being in Gravity Falls. These two groups of episodes are vastly different from one another that it causes Amphibia to feel disjointed in the process. Usually, I'm a fan when a series mixes different genres together, but do you want to know why something like Gravity Falls does such a great job at mixing slice of life with fantasy-adventure? Because, as I said, fantasy-adventures are always present in every episode. "Dipper vs. Manliness," "Boss Mabel," and "Roadside Attraction" each have the most basic slice of life plots of the show, but there is always a fantasy element or a monster to fight. There are entire episodes of Amphibia where there is no monster, and even when there is, it doesn't have the same amount of tension and weight that the creatures in Gravity Falls have weekly. A show like Big City Greens doesn't have to worry about monsters or evil villains every week because it doesn't need to. It's a show about the wacky adventures of a family of farmers adjusting to city life. Why would they have to worry about a monster every week when they just have to worry about each other. If Amphibia was the same way then there would be no issue. But because if it wants to be a mix of slice of life with fantasy, then it does need to worry about a monster every week. I usually try to defend shows that try to play both sides, but this show has to be the one occasion where I have to say pick one or the other. Because the writers tried hard to be both, and personally, I don't think they did a good job.

Characters Don’t. Stop. SCREAMING!: It's here we move on from what's objectively wrong with Amphibia to the things that just bother me personally...and this is one of those things. I get it. An over-the-top reaction to something minimal can be funny on occasion...but it's never "on occasion" with this show. Nearly every episode has characters screaming to get a laugh, and most of the time, it's more annoying than it is funny. It's Hop Pop who does this the most, and I just feel so bad for Bill Farmer. That voice already seems like it's hard to do, so being forced to scream and yell with it for the sake of comedy can't do him any favors. Other shows, especially ones on the Disney Channel, have characters overreact for the sake of humor, but it's Amphibia that I feel like it relies on this the most. I'm sure some people aren't bothered by this, but I am, and this is my review, so I'm mentioning it.

Poly: Speaking of things that probably don't bother other people...I feel like I'm making some enemies with this one. Because, boy, do I not like Polly. Her voice is annoying, she mostly causes problems for the family, and to me, her entire character seems pointless. No, really. Think about it. Anne is the main character, Sprigs acts as her emotional support, and Hop Pop acts as the voice of reason. What's Polly's purpose? Because all she adds are unnecessary jokes, character traits that could have gone to anybody, and acting more as a plot device than an actual character. The only justification for her that I can think of is that she adds gender balance to the main cast. Which would be more than acceptable if there was a point to her existence. But I think it's pretty evident with her exclusion from the original pilot pitch for the program that Polly's personality is practically pointless...that is most likely the only alliteration I'll ever do for a review, so you have better appreciated it.

If you like Polly, then more power to you. For me, I just don't enjoy her.

Sasha: Oh, nelly. I can already see the hateful messages I'm gonna get from this.

Now, as a character, I actually do like Sasha. I think her personality is interesting enough to dissect, and I think she acts as a perfect antagonist to Anne, the Plantars, and even Marcy if you want to get into it. My problem relies on how much the fanbase is already jumping on the "Forgive Sasha" train. Because, "Aw, she's just like Catra and Amity! So sweet, tortured, shippable with the main character, and--" STOP IT! Stop it right now...and think. With Catra and Amity, you see the environment they grew up in, you feel the abuse they deal with, you understand the reasoning of their actions, and you come to forgive them for who they are...At least for Amity, you can. For Catra, it requires more of an argument. But Sasha? Did we see the same cruel mistreatment to her friends? Did we hear the same coldness in her voice as she describes how to manipulate people? Did we witness the same damage she's done to Anne and Marcy in how they perceive healthy relationships? Apparently not! Because while everyone else is already on the same page that Sasha deserves redemption, I'm sitting here thinking that maybe it's for the best to be a little more hesitant. So far, we have yet to see any way to understand her reasoning and have yet to see how she deserves forgiveness. Sure, Sasha was willing to sacrifice herself for Anne, but did Sasha really earn that? It works as a sudden realization that Anne deserves better, but Sasha has yet to do anything that proves she can be better. Especially since the next time we see her, she's trying to help a fascist ruler get back up on his feet...THINK ABOUT THAT!

But, sure, she's meant to be forgiven. That can work. Because while Sasha shows kids the type of people they should avoid, she can also work as a warning for what kids should avoid becoming. That is a great thing to teach...but it can also be potentially dangerous. Because if incorrectly interpreted, Sasha can show kids that every person who seems toxic just needs a chance to change. And that is the last thing you want to teach, given how very few toxic people actually change. You want to know why The Owl House gets away with an equally dangerous lesson about how not every bully is awful? It's because it shows two sides of the spectrum by proving why someone like Amity did the things she's done while also saying that characters like Boscha and Mattholomule are just a-holes for the sake of being a-holes. Sasha has no one to compare to. Sure, there's King Andreas, but he's a government figure. They're built to be manipulative. Sasha needs someone that's on her level of cruelty to prove that while some people can change and have reason to do so, others don't. And seeing how I don't think she deserves to change, at least not yet, that is an issue. It's the biggest issue out of all the issues I have with this show.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

So, yeah, I think it's pretty evident how I feel about Amphibia when I can write paragraphs about the stuff I don't like while barely being able to talk about the things I do like. Because I do enjoy this show. It's funny, most of the characters are enjoyable, and its discussion on toxic relationships still has me hooked to see what happens next. My issue lies with inconsistency. The main protagonist, storytelling, genre, and thematic purposes are all inconsistent. I'm interested enough to watch more, and who knows, maybe I'll make a final verdict review once the series comes to an end. For now, if you had to ask me what I’m excited to make a return, I don't know if I'll be willing to hop to it by saying Amphibia.

(Also, if you're still looking for that link for that pirating website I mentioned, now would probably be a good time to tell you that I really never did put one in. I told you, that would be crazy...That should teach you to try to break the law.)

[aswallowssong]

Second Child, Restless Child

Chapter 9 - The Devil Whispered Lies

@valkyrie-5583

Read on AO3

If I told y'all I got engaged and that's why this chapter is literally a billion years late, would that make it better??

Jokes aside (not really a joke, I did get engaged, I just hid it in the notes a few weeks ago) spring break is one week away for this teacher, and my goal is to write a whole bunch so I can not have to post chapters like... 2 months apart.

Let me know what you think of this one!! Have a lovely day!!

Continuation of chapter 8 - Heaven Knows How Hard I Tried. The Keystone Killer has given Kit a lot to think about; including some things she wasn't quite counting on.

Kit wasn’t quite listening when they walked back into the precinct. Her conversation with JJ earlier in the day had helped. If JJ had met pushback, but now she was allowed to be a full part of the BAU team, she should stand up for herself. The director himself saw all of her reports, she could tell Ramos she disagreed with him. Especially if, for the time being, her work was good enough for the literal director of the whole FBI.

But her talk with Hotch outside of Harbin’s house hadn’t done her a lot of good. Her mind was still reeling from the events of the last hour, she still hadn’t slept since Friday night, and it was actively Sunday. 

What brought her back to reality was Morgan’s voice, deep and steady at the front of their group. It caught her up to the present so quickly she almost stopped short, which would have sent Hotch right into her.

“Well, that's got to be a first. A killer actually leading us to another killer.”

“Come on,” Gideon said from further back, “we all know they make the best profilers. They admire each other's work.”

“Ya, but usually from afar,” Elle said as they spilled into the conference room.

Kit didn’t even let herself imagine sitting down. There was no way she would be able to stay awake when she had nothing of value to add. At this point, she was waiting to get back on the jet and back to her apartment. The image of Claudia was twisting in her mind, and she couldn’t help the desperate need she had to see Monty face to face.

Hotch didn’t let her stay in her head for very long. “At least we got Harbin off the street. All right, let's review. What do we know about the Keystone Killer?”

He’s killing women at an alarming rate.

“Well, we know that he's not dead or in jail,” Elle offered.

Gideon continued. “Enjoys taunting the game.”

“Ya,” Morgan agreed easily. “He's in complete control.”

Reid was quick to add on, statistics rattling from him easier than Kit was even keeping her eyes open. “He strangled seven women in the 1980's, stopped for eighteen years, and then began again suffocating them. Ten percent of all violent crimes are caused by strangulation, it only takes eleven pounds of pressure to fully incapacitate your victim and if you hang on for at least fifty seconds, they will never recover.”

“Yeah,” Kit said, stopping short once she’d realized the words had come from her mouth, not someone else’s. Everyone’s eyes were on her, and she took a moment before she voiced the fact her brain had produced for her, however reluctantly. “It’s one of the most lethal forms of violence. Victims can be unconscious in a matter of ten seconds.”

Hotch shook his head, confusion pushing from his before he said, “When you suffocate someone you actually have less control over their death. It's actually more passive because the killer doesn't feel the life leaving the body.”

“He's changed almost everything that he does,” Elle said. She was lost, mild annoyance and confusions coming off her in waves. Elle had joined the team just as JJ did, and Kit wondered if she ever felt as completely baffled as she herself felt.

In that moment, it felt like the answer could be yes, and that was comforting.

Gideon took over then, speaking to them as a whole in a series of questions. “Why why why why? What? I mean, what's he getting out of this new M. O.? Where's his payoff? You got Carla Bromwell, she sustains a significant head injury. Blitz attacks suggest disorganization, no self-confidence. This is a guy who walks into seven victims' homes prior to this. There was no forced entry at any of the scenes. Where's the loss of confidence?”

There was a beat of silence, and she really hoped anyone had any idea. It was moments like these that made Kit feel the most out of her element. She had no idea why the Keystone Killer would want to kill anyone anyway, how could she know why he would change his methods?

“He would never change the way he kills by choice,” Ryan said, breaking the silence.

“What?” 

Ryan spoke again, confident in a way the rest of the team lacked. “We've been operating under the assumption that he purposely changed his M. O.”

It was like something physically snapped into place. Kit looked around as everyone was suddenly much more engaged. 

“You're saying he changed because he had to change?” Gideon asked.

“He knocked her unconscious. And it wasn't to scare.”

Elle seemed to be catching on, and Kit wished selfishly she wasn’t. “Because he couldn't control her physically while she was awake.”

Ryan nodded. “He could be incapacitated.”

Gideon latched back on. “At least partially.”

“Maybe an injury.” 

“Or a stroke,” Hotch added, and Gideon started nodding. “Either way you're gonna have to have medical records. Agreed?”

It took her more than a few seconds to notice that no one had said anything else, and she looked over at Gideon, who was looking directly at her.

Why is he looking at me? He never looks at me? We have a spoken rule to not look at one another during cases so why is he looking right at me?

“Colghain?” he said, and she shook her head. He most certainly was looking at her for an answer, and everyone else had gone quiet so she could answer.

“Yeah.” She said, and she saw Ryan raise an eyebrow in annoyance before she stumbled over herself to continue her answer. “Yeah, yes, sorry. Yes. There would be injury reports, charts, notes, scripts. It’s a lot of records, depending on who your doctor is and what hospital you’re at.”

There was another pause before they were all nodding, taking in what she’d said and running with it.

Morgan was first to speak. “Okay, so what are we talking about? This had to have happened after the middle of 1988 in Philadelphia?”

Gideon nodded, first at Kit, and then to Morgan. “Somebody who fits the rest of the profile.”

“It's a lot of hospital records,” Reid said, also looking towards Kit, who nodded her affirmation. “There’s hoards of people going into ERs every day for exactly those sorts of things. It’ll be a huge pool.”

He smiled at her, and she found herself taken a bit aback, but returned his grin with a shy one of her own.

“Call our girl Friday,” Gideon said, directed to Morgan, and as the flurry of movement and new hope danced through the room, she found herself feeling much less tired than she did before.

She’d been helpful. Gideon had known she was an expert about something and asked for her agreement and input before simply inserting a thought. 

Her feelings were incredibly jumbled as she stood there, waiting for directions. Gideon’s affirmation made her feel better than she thought it would, considering they didn’t usually talk if not to argue. JJ’s conversation still lingered in the back of her mind, and she wanted to talk to Ramos. If JJ could stand up to the coms department and get what she wanted, why couldn’t she stand up to Ramos?

But Claudia filled the leftover space in her consciousness, and she didn’t know if she could fight for more time with the BAU, or to try to be more fully integrated, or whatever it was that she actually wanted if the cases were going to stay with her.

To scare her. To make her feel like she needed to know that her sisters were alright, even though there was no way to do that while knees deep in a case. 

What do you even want, Kody? What do you want?

She didn’t have an answer for herself.

-----

Kit stood in front of the mirror in the bathroom of the precinct and splashed another cupful of water onto her face, holding her cheeks in her hands a moment before looking up at her reflection. 

You look exhausted.

Monty’s voice, as always, chided her. Sometimes she wished the voice of her overinvolved consciousness was her brother Al instead. Alaska couldn’t be bothered over things like that. His biggest qualm in life was the fact that his name was Alaska, and it had been quickly remedied by Ari telling him he could just go by Alex at school. 

You’ve got bigger problems than that. You’re having a moment in a police precinct in Philly while the rest of your team waits on a comprehensive file to be faxed. 

A feeling of dread shot through her chest at the realization that Monty didn’t even know she was gone. She’d been so tired and so incredibly thrown by Garcia’s text, and then Hotch’s insistence that she was on the jet that she hadn’t thought to walk down and tell Ari she was leaving. He’d been on the clinic floor; out of sight, out of mind. Then she was on the jet, and then at the crime scene. 

She hadn’t even sent a text. 

Hell, she hadn’t even really slept since then. Her time in the jet and her few minutes in the car were nowhere near what she needed, and with all the feelings and thoughts she had flying around her head, she was surprised she hadn’t crashed. She was definitely feeling “Big Feelings,” and she didn’t have time for it.

Ari and Monty always helped the big feelings. They had to be wondering where she was. Why hadn’t they called her? Or texted? They had to be worried. Girls didn’t just go missing in the middle of the day.

But they do. And worse, they’re murdered too. Right out of nowhere for no reason at all. People are sick, Kody. They kill for pleasure. They kidnap for pleasure. They’ll take anyone at any time. 

She had her phone out and dialed in record time.

“Penelope’s hotline for all things truth. Speak and know.”

“Garcia.” She swiped at her eyes. When had she started crying? “I need a favor.”

“Oh, Kit, hey.” Her voice was as sunny as always. “I’ve got that file almost through, the medical was-”

“It’s not about the case.”

There was silence on the other line for a moment. “Oh?”

“If I gave you the first and last name, could you trace a cell phone?”

“A cell phone? As long as it’s registered to the same name, yeah, I can. Why?”

“Virginia.” She said. “Virginia Colghain.”

She didn’t know why she picked Ginny. Something inside her said that Seese, George, and Lina would be at home with their mam. Ginny lived in the city, and Kit couldn’t call her. 

Ginny didn’t know she was in the field. Ginny didn’t even know she’d been paired with the BAU.

“Where should it be? Just so I know what I’m looking for.”

“Probably the US Attorney's office.”

“Which branch?”

“The one in the district. On fourth street.”

Garcia hummed as she typed, the clicking of her keystrokes halting as she said, “Wait. Wait, Colghain?”

Kit bit her lip. She was sort of hoping Garcia wouldn’t notice. 

Which is stupid, because of course she’d notice.

“Yes.”

“Virginia Colghain?”

“Yes, Garcia, can you track it or not?” Kit glanced at herself in the mirror, letting her reflection ground her. She tugged at one braid, and then the other with her free hand before wiping at her eyes again.

The clicking started again before Garcia said, “Virginia Colghain’s phone is, in fact, inside the US Attorney’s office on fourth street.”

Kit breathed a sigh of relief. While it wasn’t proof that Ginny was okay, it certainly helped Kit’s nerves. “Thanks, Penelope. Sorry about that.”

“Sure, my sweet clover. But, why don’t you just call her and ask where she is? I’m going to assume that’s one of your many many siblings.”

Because I haven’t quite told her I’m working with the BAU now, or going in the field again, and I’m not ready to have that conversation with her just yet, considering no one knows but Ari and Monty.

“I don’t want to interrupt her at work, I just needed to know she was okay.”

Garcia was quiet again before saying, “You know, we’ll get him. My system has faxed almost all the papers now, and then you can go bring him in.”

Kit took a breath, glancing again at the reflection in the mirror. She almost didn’t recognize the face staring back at her. Had she always looked so sad?

“Thanks, Pen,” she said quietly. “I, um. I’ve gotta go.”

“Go fight crime, clover. But, hey,” Penelope’s voice took on a different quality. A serious one. “You and I should talk when you get back.”

She sighed, but nodded. “Okay… bye, Penelope.”

Kit hung up the phone.

Ginny was fine. She knew that it was a given, and she probably just looked like a crazy, paranoid moron, but she also knew deep down that Penelope didn’t care. Maybe she understood.

Before she could convince herself otherwise she hit the first position speed dial, pacing a bit in front of the sinks as it rang.

“Dia dhuit?” Came Monty’s groggy, listless voice over the line, and Kit nearly burst into tears at the combination of her sister’s voice, her real voice, and their mother tongue.

“Monty.”

“Yeah, it’s me. Where are you? Thought you were in the living room, but I only hear you on the phone.”

Kit wiped at a stray tear trailing down her cheek. There was no way she was keeping it together when she finally got home.

Monty’s accented Irish was thicker than it normally was. Her voice was lower too, telling of the fact that she quite possibly woke her twin up. She bit back a bit of guilt, her own voice launching into a language just for them.

“I’m sorry, I woke you, didn't I?”

“It’s alright, I’ll go back when we’re done. Where are you?”

“Are you feeling any better?” She was stalling. “When was the last time you took-”

“Dakota.” Kit stopped in her tracks. “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing. Everything is fine.”

“But why are you crying?”

Damn it.

She tried to keep any tremor out of her voice, but she knew Monty would always be able to tell. “I’m not.”

“Why are you calling me, crying-”

Kit sighed, her pacing stopping dead in its tracks as she tried to keep herself together. “Everything is okay. I’m not hurt. I’m fine. Everyone is fine. I needed to hear your voice.”

The coughing across the line was grating, and then, “Kody, where are you? What are you talking about? What’s going on?”

“I…” Kit started, steadying herself with a hand on the counter. “We’re in Pennsylvania.” 

“You’re what?” 

“It’s fine, I had to leave overnight. We’re on a case.”

“You didn’t call,” Monty said, obviously upset. “You didn’t even send a text. Ari was at the bureau last night, too, why-” She cut herself off to cough, the line being muffled as Monty pulled away from the speaker.

Kit ran her hand down her face. This wasn’t the conversation she needed to be having. She should have called Ari. He tended to be a little more level headed when he was upset. 

“Why wouldn’t you say anything?” Monty finally asked, voice much rougher than before. “What if something happened?”

“Nothing is going to happen,” Kit said, her voice more steady than she felt it should be. “I’m sorry, Mont. I’m so sorry. I know I should have told you.”

“Why…” Monty trailed for a moment before she said quietly, “Why did you call now?”

Claudia’s face flashed to the front of her mind, and then Monty’s; the reflection of her own staring back at her in the mirror. 

“I needed to hear your voice. I had to know you were alright.”

Another moment of silence passed before Monty asked, “Something happened, didn’t it?”

Kit sighed, sniffling quietly before letting out another, deeper sigh. “I don’t know if I can do this, Mont.”

The door to the bathroom swung open, JJ standing on the other side.

“Hey, the whole file finally came through, we’re meeting in the- are you crying?” 

Kit’s head whipped around to look at JJ square, and she hastily wiped under her eyes. “No, I, um. I’ll be right there.”

JJ tilted her head, but nodded and shut the door again. The air between the twins crackled quietly before Kit cleared her throat.

“I have to go. I… hopefully I’ll be home tonight. I’m sorry, Montana. I am.”

“Kody, wait-”

“I love you, Mont, I’m so sorry.”

“You can’t just say those things and then go put yourself in danger! You can’t do that to me! I-”

“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry, I-” The door to the bathroom was pounded on. “Lep! Let’s go!”

Derek.

“Dakota!”

“I’m sorry. I love you.”

Before Monty could say anything else, Kit snapped her phone shut. 

------

Her leg bounced as she sat in the SUV in between Reid and Elle. She was twisting at the hem of her shirt, and some of the threads had ripped and stretched. It was keeping her from pulling on her hair though, so she didn’t care about that. Ginny could sew it for her when they got back to DC.

If Ginny’s still there. Anyone could grab her at any time. Anyone could-

“Are you okay?” Reid asked quietly, his eyes locked on her fingers as they tugged at the material.

She stilled her hands immediately, feeling the concern dripping from his tone.

“Yeah,” she said. “Just… tired.”

“You could probably sit out if you need to,” he said, not noticing the way her face had started to heat up. Everyone in the SUV was actively pretending they couldn’t hear their conversation, but Kit knew better.

“I don’t need to,” she said quickly. “I just want to get home, so the faster we cuff this creep, the better."

"Because of your sister?"

"What?"

How could he have possibly known what you were thinking about Ginny? Did you say something? Did-

"Your sister's sick, right?"

She stared at him for a moment before it clicked. He wasn't talking about Ginny. Of course he wasn't, the only one that knew about her minor meltdown was Garcia. Monty being sick was common knowledge. 

"Oh," she said. "Yeah. And because he's, you know." She gestured vaguely. "Murdering women."

Elle laughed quietly next to her, nodding as she said, “Right, there’s that. We’ll get him. Right, Gideon?”

“Oh, we’ll get him,” Gideon said, sending more anticipatory energy into the world than usual. Kit didn’t have to think about the implications of that, though, as the SUV came to a halt outside a two story home.

They got out of the van quickly, all thoughts of Monty and going home gone as they strapped into Kevlar vests and double checked their weapons.

“I believe Walter Kern is in Sylvia Gooden's home now,” Gideon said, addressing the five of them and the SWAT captain. “Hotch confirmed he left the community center hours ago, and Kern's car's parked on the next block.”

“I want Walter Kern alive,” Ryan said quickly, and the SWAT captain nodded at his request. “I'll stand by for the word.”

“Reid, Greenaway, I'll call you when we've secured Kern. Morgan, Colghain, you’re with me and Ryan. Okay, let's move out.”

“Yeah,” Elle said, watching them as they walked away, Kit trailing just behind. 

It didn’t feel right to her that she was going and Elle was staying back, but that was one of the reasons she was even on the team.

Or, working with them, at least. There’d been too many conversations surrounding that topic for her to understand her feelings about it.

They crept towards the house, pausing as the SWAT team pried the door open. Gideon led and Kit held the rear, covering and watching to make sure that nothing happened to them. Team or not, they were her responsibility.

They weren’t in the house for very long before they could hear Gooden crying for help on the second floor. Every movement they made was succinct, and within seconds they were in the room.

“Don't move! Don't move!” Gideon yelled, all weapons drawn at Kern as he tried to hold a plastic bag over Gooden’s face.

They scuffled for a moment, Morgan able to knock Kern’s gun out of the way before holding his arms behind his back. “Down on your knees! Down! Don't move!”

Kit held her gun steady, shifting into a position that allowed her to still have a sightline on Kern; at least until he was cuffed. Not that she believed he could get out of Morgan’s hold.

Gideon spoke quickly into the com, letting Reid and Elle know that Gooden was alive, and Kern was secure.

Morgan struggled a bit to keep Kern’s hands together, and Kit didn’t change her aim. “Cuff him, Morgan.”

“Gideon, I need your cuffs, man,” he said over his shoulder.

Gideon didn’t move right away, but Kit didn’t take her eyes off Kern. She couldn’t until she knew he didn’t have any chance of getting away.

“Why don't you do this? I'll take care of her.” Gideon had spoken to Ryan, who had clearly been soothing Gooden until that moment. 

"That's enough. Now get up,” Morgan said, passing him off so Ryan could cuff him. “You got him?”

“Ya, I got him,” Ryan said, and Kit lowered her weapon as she heard the click of the cuffs secure around Kern’s wrists.

“Colghain,” Gideon said, “Some help, please.”

Kit turned quickly, realizing that Sylvia Gooden, who had just been nearly suffocated, was still crying and panicking with flex cuffs around her wrists. 

She wasn’t done yet.

The two steps to the bed were swift, and Gideon stepped aside as she spoke to the traumatized woman. “Hi, my name is Kit. I’m a nurse, and I’m going to check and make sure you’re okay. Is it alright if I touch you?”

Gooden looked up at her for a moment before she nodded stiffly, taking a deep breath before dissolving into hysterics. 

Kit grabbed her hands and squeezed gently, giving the older woman a small smile despite all the crazy going on around them.

“You’re going to be okay,” she said. “I promise. It’s all going to be okay.”

-----

Kit sat next to Reid on the jet, which was odd, because she normally tried to keep herself as far away from everyone as possible. She’d gotten a very strange read off of Hotch, though, who had secluded himself in the corner she usually would have taken, so she figured the conversation would keep her awake if anything else.

It didn’t stop her from propping a blue notebook open in her lap and tapping at it quietly with her pen. They were laughing at a story Ryan was telling about Gideon that made him seem almost human, and the laughter she shared was genuine. Gideon had stepped aside for her to take the lead with Gooden, which meant he was going to be true to his word when they were in the field. Stay out of each other’s way, and things will be fine. 

She just hoped it would last.

“What goes in that notebook?”

She looked up at Reid’s voice, noticing that while she’d allowed herself to be in her own head for fifteen seconds, everyone had splintered into their own conversations. Elle had even walked away from them, and was now engaged in a quiet conversation with Hotch.

“Hm?”

He nodded down at the blue notebook in her lap. “What goes in there? I’ve only ever seen the red one, and that’s where you write all of our medical information, and things that happen to us medically during cases. Like when I was sick in New Jersey. But that didn’t happen this time, nothing did, and that notebook is blue, and it’s much more worn, and -” He stopped short, frowning. “I’m rambling.”

She shook her head quickly. “No, it’s alright. I don’t mind. I was waiting for you to be done before I answered your question.”

Reid’s eyes widened a bit, his jaw dropping for just a moment before he seemed to right himself. “Most people don’t wait until I’m done.”

“It’s a skill I picked up in college. It’s hard to help someone if you won’t listen to their entire story.”

“Huh,” he said. He seemed to think on that for a moment before he said, “So, what’s it for?”

She blinked up at him. “Oh.”

She hadn’t thought she’d actually have to answer. She was sort of hoping that he would talk himself in circles until he was on another topic completely. He’d done it a few times over the short time she’d known him.

“Oh?”

“Well, it’s sort of personal,” she settled on.

“Like a journal? A diary?”

If he noticed she was blushing, he didn’t let on. “A little bit, it’s like-” She stopped short as she saw JJ move from her seat towards the coffee machine, and her brain flipped a completely different switch. “Sorry, I need to talk to JJ,” she said, and before he could protest, she’d dropped the notebook on her seat and was across the short length of the plane.

“Hey, JJ,” she said, causing the blonde to turn around and smile. 

“Hey, coffee?”

“No, actually I-” She hadn’t quite thought the rest out. “I um.”

She found her hands grabbing for the ends of her hair, but she stopped herself before she could start tugging. She was far too late on her meds, which were officially out of whack, considering the fact that she hadn’t slept in two days. She wasn’t even sure what day it was.

“Is today Sunday?” She said, which was not at all how she’d intended to start the conversation she wanted to have. 

JJ laughed. “I have no idea. Maybe? When we left it was the middle of the night, so I would need to check my phone.”

“Right,” Kit said, easing a bit and giving a quiet laugh of her own. “I um. Well, I wanted to tell you that I thought about what you said.”

JJ tilted her head, eyebrows pulling together. “What I said?”

“What you said about pushing back.”

“Ah,” JJ said, eyes flashing with recognition. “And?”

“I… Claudia really threw me.”

Her head tilted before she said, “The woman they found under the bed?”

Kit shivered. “Yeah.” She didn’t regard the moment with fondness. 

JJ didn’t seem to notice. She thought for a moment before shrugging. “I heard Morgan telling Gideon that you were incredible with her. That you didn’t leave when EMS got there because she didn’t want you to.”

Kit shook her head quickly, deflecting the praise. “I didn’t really do anything. She just… I don’t think she wanted all those men around her without another woman around.”

“And you were that woman for her.”

Kit stopped for a moment, watching JJ’s eyes soften. She was going to deflect again - insist that she’d done exactly what anyone else would have done, but something stopped her. 

“I want to be here,” she heard herself saying. She hadn’t had time to process it herself, but it seemed she was going to do it outloud, in real time. “I want to be a part of this, but I’m scared. Because there will be more Claudias. And more Sylvias… And more Kerns.” She moved a hand to play with the seam at the hip of her slacks. “And we won’t always get there in time. I won’t always get there in time.”

The two women stood in silence for a moment before JJ reached out and took Kit’s right hand off her braid, squeezing it gently between her own fingers.

“But we’ll always try. And sometimes?” She shrugged. “We win.”

Kit took a deep breath, allowing that thought to fill her senses. Sylvia Gooden was alive. Claudia was alive. Kern lost. 

“I think you should talk to Hotch when we get back. Not now. You look exhausted.”

They both laughed, Kit’s a little lackluster. “It’s that obvious?”

“You’ve got two black eyes.”

“Damn.” Kit shook her head, averting her eyes from JJ’s before saying, “Thank you. For listening and telling me what you knew and for making me feel like I deserve to be here.”

JJ nodded, saying simply, “You do.” She gestured to the coffee machine again. “You sure you don’t want some?”

Kit laughed, shaking her head again. “No, really, I shouldn’t. My body doesn’t know what time it is already, I think that would put me in dangerous territory.”

She stood on the Red Line platform, struggling to keep her eyes open. She pinched the skin between her thumb and forefinger, trying anything subtle to get her from point A to point B as quickly as possible. It was already dark, and she didn’t need to fall asleep on the train, or worse, while standing and waiting for the train. 

That would really cap this weekend. Falling asleep on the train, missing your stop, getting abducted…

“Do you have a headache?”

“Ah!” She jumped, turning over her shoulder and swearing loudly. “Reid, what the hell?”

“Sorry!” He said, ducking just a bit, as if he was worried she was going to strike him. “That pressure point is effective in relieving headaches, grounding panic attacks, and quelling nausea. Are you sick?”

She groaned and rolled her eyes. “No, that’s not- I know exactly what this pressure point is used for Spencer, what the hell are you doing here? At my train stop? Again? I told you that I don’t-”

“I wanted to make sure you got home safely,” he said quickly, cutting her off before she could really get going. The anxious sincerity flooding off of him stopped her long enough for him to continue. “The odds of being accosted on the Red Line are significantly lower than the Blue, but you’re exhausted, and this case made you nervous, so I just wanted to be sure you…” He slowed, a dark flush rising in his cheeks. “Got home safe. Which I’m sure you can on your own, because your field scores dwarf mine. I, um…”

He had stuttered to a halt.

He’s embarrassed. And he wanted to help you.

She didn’t have time or energy to process the fact that he’d most definitely profiled her. The sentiment was sort of touching.

Sort of, as far as Spencer Reid was concerned. 

“This… isn’t a Gideon thing?”

Reid chuckled quietly, shoving his hands into his pockets. “No. It’s, ah, a me thing. Gideon offered me a ride home, but I said no.”

She tilted her head at him, frowning as the train squealed into the station. “No shit?”

He laughed again, shaking his head and offering a small smile, his cheeks still flushed, but relief in his eyes. “No shit.”

“...Fine. But only because I’m really tired… You know, you could have said all this, or offered, in the bullpen, right? You didn’t have to follow me to the train like a stalker.”

The blush flooded his cheeks again, and he shrugged, unable to meet her eyes. “I didn’t want you to yell at me or something in front of everyone else.”

Her heart sank. 

Look what you’ve done, Kody. You made him anxious to be alone with you because he thinks you’re some crazy person that’s going to fly off the handle.

Well, aren’t you?

“I wouldn’t do that, Spencer,” She said, starting towards the train door. “I appreciate the concern… thanks.”

He looked up, eyes flashing a combination of relief and hesitance. “Oh. Yeah. Ah, yeah, sure.”

They sat down inside the train, Kit immediately leaning her head against the window. She sighed, closing her eyes.

Maybe Reid isn’t so bad. Maybe he’ll stay quiet, or read the whole way and you can actually get a short-

“You know, there’s a staggering amount of germs on the window on a DC train. Approximately 45% of people…”

-----

Spencer stalked away from her door, his long legs making him look somewhat like a baby giraffe as he turned to descend the stairs. He gave a last, incredibly awkward wave.

“See you tomorrow, Dakota,” he said.

She fought back the instinct to groan. “Bye Reid, thanks.”

He grinned as his head slipped below her sight line and she let out a sigh, her entire body seeming to settle into exhaustion. It was late, and dark, and hopefully she would be able to slip into the apartment and deal with her siblings in the morning before she left for work. She’d talk to Monty then, and Ari at the clinic, and everything would be fine.

She’d need to call Ginny, but she could do that in the morning as well. She needed to sleep first. Sleep, and then deal with whatever came.

Her hand fumbled a bit with the key as she tried to fit it correctly into the door, eyes dry and tired and brain scrambled. The residual jittery, anxious feeling of both the case and messing the the time on her medication wasn’t helping her fine motor skills, and she’d nearly resigned to search through her backpack for the flashlight she kept when the doorknob was ripped away from her hand, the door flying open. 

Something hard slammed into her body, arms wrapping around her in a vice grip and knocking the wind out of her.

Instead of words, there were hitching sobs from her attacker. Congested sounding, sad, and overly frustrated, matched with hot tears that were falling onto her shoulder. She took a breath, wrapping her arms around Monty and holding her as close as she could.

“Shh, it’s okay, dair, I’m okay,” she mumbled quietly, feeling her twin’s arms tighten around her. 

“Don't… ever do that,” Monty managed, voice gravely and tearful. “Never, ever.”

“Oi, Mont, what-” Ari turned the corner, making eye contact with Kit over their sister’s shoulder. She watched physical tension release in his shoulders. “Ah. Okay. Mont, deirfiúr, come in and close the door. She’s okay. We’re fine.”

The mixing of languages wrapped around Kit, filling her like a breath she hadn’t taken in days. Monty let go, rubbing furiously at her streaming eyes as she walked back through the door, settling down on their couch and curling herself into a ball.

Ari pulled Kit through the door, looking at Monty and shaking his head. There was no need for the mix now, they could speak as they did among themselves. “Ah, no, get up. Come on. She’s tired, you’re sick. Bed. Now.”

Kit didn’t know how it happened, but they all ended up in Ari’s bed. Granted, it was the biggest. He didn’t share a room, and he was significantly taller than both she and Monty had ever hoped to be. They’d slept all together as children often, and when they were first living in the district on the floor at Ginny’s, they ended up in some sort of pile of limbs the nights they all worked the same shifts. 

Now they rarely did. Six months before when they were back at home after Al needed to get his appendix out. A year before that when their Grandad had died. Before that? She wasn’t sure she remembered. 

Monty’s head rested on her chest, quiet congested snoring coming from her in even breaths. Her face was flushed; from fever or crying, Kit wasn’t sure.

She’d been nearly pulled into Ari’s lap, and now her head rested on his stomach, rising and falling just slightly as he slept. 

Regardless of how incredibly exhausted she was, she forced herself to stay awake and listen. To feel them breathing. To be sure they were there, and alive.

JJ’s words played in her head. 

You do.

She deserved to be with the BAU. She deserved to be there.

Her senses focused back in on her cúpla, and the stress she’d caused them. The fear. The anxiety.

But do you really want to be?

-----

It's me again!

The plan right now is to make each season (year?) a different story, with a different song as the title and lyrics for the chapters. I'm a music person, this is the only way I operate.

If you've heard a song that made you feel feelings, hit me with it!

[love-bokumono-fics]

in your opinion, which harvest moon or sos games are worth playing and which are not? Are the older titles worth it?

So I have to confess, I have played relatively few HM/SoS games to completion. "Completion" meaning: over a year in-game played, got married, had a kid, and/or completed whatever story there is to be done. I am also of the mind that if something makes me happy, regardless of how old, or objectively "bad" it might be considered, it's worth playing. It makes me happy, it's time well spent.

So if you're looking for an actual critical, and well thought out review of the games, I am not the blog to ask. There are lots of other people out there who have given more thought to the matter than I have.

For the record, the games I have played are: Back to Nature, HM 3 GBC, (More) Friends of Mineral Town, Island of Happiness, Save the Homeland, SoS1, Trio of Towns, SoS Friends of Mineral Town, and I'm working my way through Pioneers of Olive Town.

I've played a little bit of Tale of Two Towns, and A New Beginning, but I didn't get very far in either of those before getting distracted with other things. I enjoyed them while I was playing, but also neither of them captured my attention enough to stay invested long term. Make of that what you will.

I never played any of the titles that were released on Game Cube or Wii, and I basically didn't play anything between 2007 and 2014. Which some people will say is when the best games came out, and I missed out on the best titles, but I never played them so I can't offer an opinion on them. And I haven't played any of the Harvest Moon titles since the split.

So of the ~25 games that we have under the Hm/SoS umbrella, I've played 10, and 4 of them are technically the same game remade on different consoles so let's say 6. Several of the games I played as a literal child, and when I upgraded to the next technology generation, I lost my ability to play them. Others I picked up again as an adult and thoroughly enjoyed my time playing.

As for the "worth" of the game, it really depends on what you, personally, want from your game. I've already given you my definition of "worth". I realize it is not Everyone's definition of "worth". Nonny, I suspect, that since you're asking me in the first place, "it makes me happy" isn't the only reason you want/need to invest time and effort into playing a game. I cannot tell you which games you think will be "worth it."

I think each game has it's own value. It offers something that other's don't. Different characters, different farming mechanics, different stories, and I think each one, in its own way has some value to impart on the players.

My long-time favorite game has been the Mineral Town games, ever since we got BTN in 2000 I fell in love with the premise, the characters, the setting. I bought the gameboy versions when they hit stores, and they are the games I most consistently return to when I want something comfortable.

Compared to recent games though, the Mineral Town ones are Really Basic. And while I love the games for their nostalgia, I know some people will be bored to tears by them of they go from playing the more recent games to that. Even when FoMT hit the switch last sumer I had a bit of whiplash going "oh, there's so little on the calendar, and I only have how many different crops to grow? nothing grows in winter? okay." because I had just come off from playing Trio of Towns.

If you want to be busy and have 100 goals to meet, stick to the newer games. If you just wanna chill and do whatever, try some of the older games if you can.

I think, if you have the time/ability to go back and play the old games, and you want to do it, then by all means, go for it!

A lot of them are only available to play on technology that a lot of people don't have floating around their homes anymore. If they didn't get a next gen port to an easily accessible console, so unless you still have a functioning PS2 or GBA, you're not going to have the chance to play them. Yeah, emulators are out there and they work, but in my experience they're also annoying and buggy, and not an ideal way to play the games. If you have the consoles, but not the games, getting your hands on copies can be very expensive.

You are already prone to play the old games. You're gonna play them regardless of my opinions on them. You're gonna shell out the cash or set up the emulator, or dust off the Wii and pray it still works, and i hope you enjoy your time playing!

These games have been coming out over 20+ years at this point, and while many of them are just remakes/reskins/girl versions, that's still so much time covered in video game technology. And comparing the earliest games to the most recent ones is more of an exercise in frustration and futility. You're never going to find the right answer.

(I also don't know what your personal gauge for 'old' is, Nonny. Because Old for me are games that are 20 years old. Old for you might be games that are 5 years old, which was like... last week from my perspective, so...)

All this to say, I guess I'll give a brief opinion on the games I have played, and y'all can make your decisions as you please from there.

Back to Nature/Mineral Town Games: My OG game. Always holds a dear spot in my heart for nostalgia. Love the town, love the characters, love the music, can do no wrong, a very enjoyable, if basic, farming game. Easy to play for a bit, set down for a while, and pick up and play again without feeling like you've forgotten you were in the middle of something important.

HM GBC 3: Pretty sure I was 10 last time I played it, so grain of salt. I found it more boring than the MT games, the town and maps were smaller, none of the characters had portraits, I didn't really get all of the details to make the farm work. I'm sure if I went back now as an adult I would have a better time, but I have no desire to emulate it. If you want to emulate it, go for it, but be warned that if you play as a girl, the game ends after you get married. Doesn't do that if you play as a boy so...

Save the Homeland: I kept going back to replay this game for years. I thought the premise was fun, and I always wanted to try and get all of the endings, but never did. I would buy it again in a heartbeat if it got remastered. Different from other games tho, in that you only get one year to play and get an ending, and once you do, the game restarts you at Spring 1 and nobody knows who you are again. You get to keep your animals and house upgrades, but there's no dating and marriage.

Island of Happiness: I love the setting and the characters, but god FUCK that weather system. Can't get shit to grow unless you obsessively track if it rains and how sunny it is and it completely ruined the game for me. I tried playing it again a couple years back and couldn't be bothered to keep tracking stuff. I never once unlocked all of the crops or livestock on any of my playthroughs. Did manage to play long enough to get married once.

SoS1: The game that convinced me to go back to buying new stuff after IoH kind of put me off new HM games for the better part of a decade (I had FoMT to replay it was fine). Liked it well enough, thought some of the characters were a bit bland, but still enjoyable enough to get married and have a kid. Unlocking all the vendors is a bitch though, and I still haven't gotten them all. A fine game, but if you're only going to play One 3DS game, I wouldn't suggest this one.

Trio of Towns: This one ties with FoMT as my favorite game! I love everything about it. The Characters, the setting and premise, the music, the depth of events. There's so much to do, there's never a boring day, but that can also feel overwhelming if you're the kind if person who tries to do everything at once. Not as easy to pick up and put down as some of the more basic games, but it's very replayable in my book and I keep coming back to it.

Pioneers of Olive Town: It's a middling game for me. Like SoS1, it's fine, but unlike SoS1, there's very little to do in the game. I completed the "main story" in less than a year without putting in much effort to complete things in a timely manner. The characters and the game had So Much Potential, particularly after 3oT, and all of it fell flat in my expectations. Plus some of the technical issues we all experienced at launch. Now, I'm still playing it, I don't hate the game, and the updates have made things better. But with the story done and all of the characters feeling a bit Flat, I'm biding my time between DLC updates to see if I want to marry any of the special candidates instead of the base game characters. I'll probably keep playing long enough to get married and probably unlock everything on the farm, but beyond that I'm not super invested.

My final verdict is, if you have a 3DS, get Trio of Towns, if you only have a Switch, get Friends of Mineral Town. If you want to put forth the time and effort into acquiring the old games, or emulating them, by all means go for it.

[aelaer]

Been sitting on this long enough! Tagged by @dragonnan

Author Name: Aelaer (though it was not my first author name! I changed it because the original had too many connections to my rl name, which is rare to the point that the first and last name combo are the only one in the world. It's that nuts)

Fandoms You Write For: 

MCU (Basically Doctor Strange centric stories)

LOTR (though after writing exclusively for Tolkien in fanfic for 8 years and RP for 7, I'm taking a bit of a much needed break outside of my crossover)

Sherlock (only in a crossover WIP at the moment but I think I could be game for more)

Where You Post: AO3 and fanfiction.net (though the reviews and faves in the Avengers category in the latter are depressingly low considering the amount of hits the fic gets).

Most Popular One-Shot: 

On AO3, based on kudos and hits: The Calm Before the Storm

On fanfiction.net, based on faves and reviews: An Elf-lord's Patience. Oh God, this is a parody about common Mary Sue tropes in the LOTR fandom. FROM 2005. Absolutely no promise regarding the quality of the fic, I was a baby. But it's a neat bit of history to compare my old writing to how I write my comedy now!

Most Popular Multi-Chapter Story:

On AO3, based on kudos, comments, and hits: Strange in a Strange Land. I'm quite fond of this crossover (LOTR/Doctor Strange) and I'm working on the last chapter now.

On fanfiction.net: My magnum opus, Pirates of the Ring. 45 chapters, 200k words, 7 years, and dozens of rewrites as I grew as I writer (especially the first 15 chapters). It was my first fanfic and it will always have a special place in my heart. This story still gets hits, which astounds me. But as you can see I have a thing for crossovers.

Favorite Story You Wrote: Asking me to choose my favorites between my children is horrendous. But for now, I believe that honor will have to go to Within the Shadows (MCU) due to the fact that it just wrote itself. I somehow regurgitated 16,000 words in about a week. I've never written that fast in my life.

Story You Were Nervous to Post: Hmm I haven't really been nervous to post anything since I was a teenager posting on a strict Tolkien fanfic site, well over a decade ago. But I've not written non-con, smut, or anything that may be more "nerve wrecking". I'll read most anything but I tend to keep teen and below for my stories.

How Do You Choose Your Titles: Usually with great difficulty. It's not uncommon for the title to be one of the last parts I finish in a story. Titles come from lines within a story (A Kaleidoscope of Butterflies), are inspired by songs (Dawn of Red Skies), or are rather straight and to the point (Strange in a Strange Land). One title that came almost immediately was "The Opening" because I knew there was going to be a chess theme throughout the story to match the "Endgame" title. Chapter titles in Dawn of Red Skies were all taken from quotes surrounding red, while in my untitled WIP are all from soundtrack titles of the two pieces being crossed over. So yeah, a lot of variety.

Do You Outline: Depends on the length of the story! For one shots, not usually. My outlines for stories less than 10 chapters long are pretty loose and informal and tend to have chunks of text in between notes. Anything over 10 chapters in the past for me (which was 3 fics, one never completed) were heavily outlined, though not necessarily in chronological order. One reason I know my pseudo!villain Stephen story is going to take for freaking ever is because the outline I have for it right now is 3 pages long and nowhere near complete. I truly have no idea when it will see the light of day. Hopefully before the second DS film :P

How many of your stories are…

Complete: 30 over 16 years (with a hiatus for 6 of those years)

In-Progress: 3; one discontinued, one that will need to be entirely rewritten if I ever want to try an epic for LOTR again, and then the last chapter for the DS/LOTR crossover.

Coming Soon: Uhhhhh.

Strange/Sherlock crossover: About 70% complete.

This two shot dark comedy: Maybe 50% done?

Sequel to Within the Shadows: No idea how many more scenes will demand to be written for this.

Pseudo!villain Stephen: Absolutely no idea but it's 10k words thus far but that includes the outline

Hopefully some one shots?

Do You Accept Prompts: Yeeeeessss but shorter ones please so I have at least a hint of a chance of completing the bingo before the deadline. Give me your one-shot prompts.

Upcoming Story You Are Most Excited to Write: Varies from day to day. Having 4 multi-chapter fics allows me to bounce to the one I want to work on most. I haven't written much this July so we'll see.

Tag Five Fanfic Authors to Answer These Questions As Well:

Ugh this dumb thing erased who I tagged. @amethyst-noir @babywarg @calamityskies @cairistiona7 @xxgwenstacyxx if y'all want

[douxreviews]

The 100 - ‘Matryoshka’ Review

"If you're worried about going to hell, the answer isn't immortality. It's morality."

Y'all, those vines are so scary. How freaking terrible and scary. No no no no no no no no.

Okay, okay, okay. First thing first.

As annoying as it was when Raven couldn't forgive Clarke, sometimes I wonder what the group did to deserve that angel. She is always calm – even in the worst of times, she is always thinking and planning and helping and she really has had to forgive a lot. This is me asking Raven for forgiveness for being harsh with her. She already has a plan to work on saving Madi from Sheidheda. Do we know what sheid means??

And let's give Lola Flannery her due. If I've said it once, I've said it at least four times. The casting people on this show deserve some kind of holiday bonus. They really hit it out of the park. Did they know Madi was going to take such a dark turn? She is killing it going from a precocious kid that wanted to dye her hair to an outright monster. Her entire energy has changed and we can see her being less and less of the girl that is Clarke's daughter and more something else entirely. She's practically feral and I can't imagine that's easy to play. Well done.

Bye, Josephine. We won't miss you. Except I might. She was such a smooth talker and so charismatic that I almost want her around. Not instead of Clarke, obviously, but I fully found myself wishing they could find her a host that was comatose, a la Ruby in Supernatural or something. Watching her struggle with the loss of her memories was already interesting and fighting with morality and living with the shit decisions she's made fits right in with the ride we're on this season. Her banter with Clarke and Bellamy was next level (it's not often that someone can go toe-to-toe with them) and this show could've stood to have a romantical storyline, couldn't it?? Josie even said that she and Clarke were friends, which was kind of sweet until you realized that it didn't mean much to her. Anyway, I guess it doesn't matter. If she was still in Clarke's head then she wasn't in the mind drive, right?? Russell is going to be pissed. Maybe someone will hide his lighter fluid. Yikes.

Russell is probably the least interesting prime. He can't seem to pick a plan of action and stick to it. Ever since we met him, he is back and forth, here and there and back again. 'You can't stay here.' 'Oh wait, yes you can.' 'So sorry, I have to kill you to bring my daughter back.' 'On second thought, now I feel bad and want to take it back.' 'We can't kill people!' 'Except let's kill everyone even my own people in the most excruciating way possible.' It's astonishing he's made it this far as the de facto leader. I'm betting that Simone and Josephine had hands in him keeping the title, so it's annoying that they've both died and now we're left with this bumbling whiner. Get it together, Russell, do you want to be feared and worshiped or do you want to be wise and benevolent?? I'm so indifferent to him. He isn't sympathetic or scary. Am I alone??

Maybe I'm still a rebellious teen at heart because Abby is killing me too. Get off your high horse, lady. You have no room to be slapping Murphy for making selfish decisions after the rampage you just went on and you really have no power to threaten Gaia for wanting to save the world from Sheidheda and Madiheda(?). Sure, Gaia's fanatic belief in the flame is part of where the threat was born but at least she's trying to do something about it and not just adding to the problems here. That's more than I can say for the not-so-good doctor.

In summation: Clarke and Bellamy, the best friends that have ever existed, rule. Parents and scary, murderous vines drool.

Again, a great one. 3 out of 4 axes to the head. I wonder how many times she died that way? At least two.

Bits and pieces

Matryoshka dolls, also known as Russian nesting dolls, are sets of wooden figures of decreasing size placed inside one another. I think Josephine is the matryoshka.

Do we know why Josie was giving babies as sacrifices to the woods?? Was she fueling the creepy woods for a reason, or is she just a sociopath??

Where the hell did Indra go??

There is something so lovely about the poetry of Bellamy keeping Clarke's heart pumping while she dealt with kicking Josie out of her head. It keeps coming back to the heart and the head.

Josephine: "She was right to depend on you." Duh.

Clarke: "We can let the bad things that happened to us define who we are. Or we can define who we are."

Gabriel: "We can't do this forever." Josephine: "Why not? That's how long I'll love you for."

Bellamy: "No, I'm not losing you again. Come on, Clarke, come on. Clarke, I need you. Madi needs you! Now wake up." Octavia: "Bellamy... she's gone." Bellamy: "No, she's not! Wake up, Clarke! Come on! I'm not letting you go. You're a fighter! Now get up and fight! Get up and fight!"

Clarke: "The head and the heart."

---

Laure Mack

[carrickbender]

I guess I just feel like...(a late Sunday 7ish)

- Thursday evening i did my first shift as an assistant digester cook(not food, pulp); and while it 110% kicked my ass, I loved it. And the funny thing is looking back on how far I've come since this time 2 years ago. I've changed my occupation, worked hard on my financial positions, became a consumer of knowledge and got engaged again with the world, became a father... yeah, life changed.

-But as much as my life has changed for the good, it's also a mess. My left knee is still messed up, and I'm fighting with insurance to get anything but cortisone covered as a treatment. I'm pretty much constantly exhausted(I know, adulting, shuuuuuut it). I have zero time for anything that doesnt involve work, cleaning the house or doing chores. I am almost done with an EP worth of good songs, but when have I had time to either record, practice, or even market myself for gigs? I have zero...Im just... at the end of my rope. I mean, how do you all do it so well? Like I feel like I'm just failing over here. I know that as a parent my life is no longer my own, and I love H and Henry to the moon and beyond, but do you ever get your sense of self that isnt a parent back?

- And to top it all off, the negative self image monkey is trying to strangle me again. I hate it, but it's so hard to get away from the self loathing. Between a dormant physical relationship(which I get), to strange comments about the way other people look(somehow that's not supposed to apply to me, what???), and a routine that doesnt involve as much connection, I'm having a seriously hard time self validating within our relationship and myself. And its important to keep it under wraps because I refuse to raise a child with any body or acceptance issues, period. So yeah, the struggle...

- Speaking of struggle, I see we have started the next battle in the war on women and reproductive healthcare. I cant even begin to express how angry and frustrated I am to see the level of disregard for womens health that comes from the GOP. Its telling to me that there hasnt been any movement to increase the penalty for rape in any of these states, but yet being a provider or having an abortion will get you decades in jail. These laws aren't pro life, they are pro birth, and part of a greater campaign to return our culture to the dark ages. Even more telling is that the man who wrote the Starr report on the Clinton sex scandal was Brett Kavanaugh, who will most likely be a strong presence in the SCOTUS decision when these laws hit the supreme court for review. But yet, "my vote doesnt count". No, vote like your fucking life depends on it.

- Enough with the heavy, right? H is making savory granola, and we are giving flavors a go that are a bit unorthodox. Stay tuned.

- We have a salmonberry bush on the outside of our "hedge" that are already bearing fruit. Would somebody tell these berries that they are EARLY??? The west coast is getting primed for an early summer, methinks, but I'm not going to look these gift berries in the mouth. They make me long for Kodiak, and the sockeye running hard up the Karluk and Red rivers. Cant wait till those beautiful reds hit the store to bring back memories. Might have to make a tart or something to go with some sockeye dinner...such a child of the northwest, right???

- I have a lot of gratitude for the fact that y'all still listen to my ramblings. You are all sources of inspiration and light, and I guess I just feel like I'm glad to be here. Many blessings for a good week...

[thebeautybunny]

The 5 Best Foundations for Oily Skin

Ahh, the joys of having oily skin!!!!!!! 🙃 That notable shiny forehead/nose duo that makes its inevitable debut at approximately 2 pm (sometimes earlier, depending on just HOW oil-prone you are). If you're anything like me, you're makeup can go from sexy to sloppy within the span of an hour. While having oily skin is beneficial in the long run (it holds anti-aging properties and reduces wrinkles, so your older self will thank you!) , it can be annoying when it slips and slides your foundation around, I totally get that. That is why I have comprised a list of my all-time favorite MUST-HAVE foundations that will last through even the oiliest of faces! Mama Chiyo understands your issue boo, and she's here to help. Keep reading to discover the best foundations for oily skin types. 

#1 NARS ALL DAY LUMINOUS WEIGHTLESS FOUNDATION ($49)

This foundation has surprised me from the day we first met. I was working at Sephora when I took home a sample of this baby and tested it out in a photoshoot. I was so awestruck at how beautifully this foundation photographed! I was shooting on a hot summer day with no air conditioning in my house, yet this managed to stay put through the sweat and oil. I bought the full version of this foundation, but quickly forgot about it as my foundation collection grew rapidly. One night when filming a makeup tutorial I decided to use it and thought, WAIT, WHY DID I EVER STOP?! This foundation is exactly what it's named: luminous, weightless, and lasts all day. Although it's considered luminous, you can add a mattifying primer for that extra barrier to protect from getting super oily. I give this baby 10 out of 10 hearts! 💗💗💗💗💗💗💗💗💗💗

Pictured: wearing the Nars All Day Luminous Weightless Foundation

INGREDIENTS:  Scarlet Spiderling Root Extract: Reduces discoloration over time to create a brighter, more even skin tone, while also diminishing the appearance of future dark spots. Vitamins A, C, and E: Deliver antioxidant benefits to help protect the skin.

Click here to purchase this foundation

#2 COVER FX POWER PLAY FOUNDATION ($44)

This foundation is pretty thicc, so if you're going for a more light coverage look, you can use a large stippling face brush to apply it, instead of a beauty blender. This foundation makes my skin look immaculate. Even though it's too dark for me now, I can still wear it by mixing it with one of my lighter foundations, and it mixes perfectly for me! I give this one 8 out of 10 hearts, only because it can feel heavy if you go full coverage with it. 💗💗💗💗💗💗💗💗

Pictured: wearing the Cover FX Power Play Foundation

INGREDIENTS:  Alteromonas Ferment Filtrate: Helps defend against pollution and environmental stressors. Trio of Ultra-fine Powders: Invisibly control shine and weightlessly blur pores for an airbrushed effect.

Click here to purchase this foundation

#3 FENTY BEAUTY PRO FILT'R FOUNDATION ($34)

Okay, let's be real here- who DOESN'T f*ck with Fenty Beauty?! Rihanna is killing it in the makeup game right now and that's undeniable. I remember when this product launched and I got my hands on this foundation. It's so good that I'm literally almost done with my 3rd bottle, LOL 😭 keep going back for more. To be honest, this is hands-down my favorite foundation of the bunch. Almost instantly after applying it, you can see the formula mattifying into your face, it almost dries down to a powder-like texture. It literally makes your face look facetuned, lol. AND, FOR A HIGH-END FOUNDATION, IT'S AFFORDABLE!! (God bless you, Rihanna. We forever stan.) My only problem with it is that if you use a silicone primer with it, you actually end up looking more oily later on in the day. I would stick with just using a mattifying primer or even just a moisturizer, but for me it just doesn't work well with silicone-based primers. Overall, I give it 9 out of 10 hearts! 💗💗💗💗💗💗💗💗💗

pictured: wearing the Fenty Beauty Pro Filt’r Foundation

INGREDIENTS:  Free of parabens and phthalates. Water, Dimethicone, Talc, Peg-10 Dimethicone, Trimethylsiloxysilicate, Polypropylene, Isododecane, Cetyl Peg/Ppg-10/1 Dimethicone, Nylon-12, Hdi/Trimethylol Hexyllactone Crosspolymer, Phenoxyethanol, Sodium Chloride, Hydrogen Dimethicone, Glycerin, Magnesium Sulfate, Sodium Dehydroacetate, Disteardimonium Hectorite, Aluminum Hydroxide, Methicone, Benzoic Acid, Dehydroacetic Acid, Propylene Carbonate, Ethylhexylglycerin, Parfum/Fragrance, Silica, Biosaccharide Gum-4, Ananas Sativus (Pineapple) Fruit Extract, Carica Papaya (Papaya) Fruit Extract, Paullinia Cupana Seed Extract, Potassium Sorbate, Sorbic Acid.

Click here to purchase this foundation

#4 ESTEE LAUDER DOUBLE WEAR FOUNDATION ($42)

If you're looking for something really long-lasting, then this. is. IT. GURL. Once you apply this foundation, it ain't going anywhere. It even has its own special makeup remover that you can purchase separately! It stays put honey. If you are looking for something that is sweatproof, swimproof, and sexproof, then look no more! (trust me, it has passed all tests. Lol) As much as I love this foundation, when you apply it initially it looks a bit dull, because it is SO mattifying. It's not until your oils come in that it begins to appear more luminous, so keep that in mind when putting it on! You might want to use a luminating primer base like I do to get that extra glowing-from-within look. I give it 8.5 hearts babyyyy 💗💗💗💗💗💗💗💕

pictured: wearing the Estee Lauder Double Wear Foundation

INGREDIENTS:  Free of fragrance. Water, Cyclopentasiloxane, Trimethylsiloxysilicate, PEG/PPG-18/18 Dimethicone, Butylene Glycol, Tribehenin, Polyglyceryl-3 Diisostearate, Magnesium Sulfate, Tocopheryl Acetate, Polymethylsilsesquioxane, Methicone, Laureth-7, Xanthan Gum, Alumina, Sodium Dehydroacetate, Disteardimonium Hectorite, Cellulose Gum, Propylene Carbonate, Pentaerythrityl Tetra-Di-Butyl Hydroxyhydrocinnamate, Phenoxyethanol. May Contain: Iron Oxides, Mica, Titanium Dioxide.

Click here to purchase this foundation

#5 L'OREAL INFALLIBLE 24 HR FOUNDATION ($13) 

Before I get into the review, I would just like to clarify that NO foundation, no matter how good it is, should ever be worn for 24 hours. Wtf, thinking about a foundation being worn for that long is making me break out🤢LMAO. But does this foundation have the *potential* to last for 24 hours? .....erm, no. Not quite. But I did wear it for 10 hours at Hard Summer music festival last summer, and it lasted the whole day! And if it can last throughout an entire music festival in 100-degree weather, then it’s good enough for me. For it's price, this drugstore foundation is the definition of getting the most bang for your buck. Upon applying it you can definitely tell that it's full coverage, but looks SO good as a light-coverage foundation as well!!!!! It applies the best with a damp beauty blender and keeps the shiny forehead/nose duo away. My only issue with it is that it emphasizes my pores, so I always pair it with a pore-minimizing primer. If price is your biggest concern, I would recommend grabbing this gal from either Walmart or Target! It earns 8 out of 10 hearts. 💗💗💗💗💗💗💗💗

pictured: wearing the L’Oreal Infallible Total Cover 24hr Foundation

INGREDIENTS:  Aqua / Water, Dimethicone, Glycerine, Hydroxyethyl Acrylate / Sodium Acryloyldimethyl, Taurate Copolymer, Dimethicone, Crosspolymer, Synthetic Fluorphlogopite, Phenoxyethanol, Disodium Stearoyl Glutamate, Triethanolamine, Salicylic Acid, Aluminum Hydroxide, Sorbitan Isostearate, Polysorbate. May Contain: CI 77891 / Titanium Dioxide, CI 77491, CI 77492, CI 77499 / Iron Oxides.

Click here to purchase this foundation

That concludes this list of what I consider to be the BEST foundations of oily skin, but...it's not just about me! I want to know what foundations YOU love and would recommend for all the oily skin babes out there to try. Let me know in my ask box!

 As always, thanks for reading y'all! Stay beautiful.

~xoxo Chiyo 💋

[lukereviewsftm-blog]

Mr Limpy review

Mr Limpy (3.5") became my first ever soft packer about two weeks ago. I'm not sure if that's enough time to decide whether I'm in love with it or purely despise it. There are a lot of pros and cons to this that I haven't seen many people talk about. That or it's just me who's experiencing this. 

Well, let's get into it.

Okay first of all the packaging and it's realistic-ness. The packaging was of course discreet (from ftmesstentials). Came within 2-3 days I think, don't recall but it wasn't long. There's nothing to worry about with the packaging to say the least. In terms of how it looks, man, this thing is super detailed. It has the peehole too, which I don't see too often in soft packers. The detail on this thing is so far the best I've seen. Y'know aside from the lousy 3 colors you get to pick from, pink (and i mean pink), vanilla (which I chose because I thought I was lighter than I am but I was wrong), and caramel (probably thinking I should've picked this even though it was a few shades darker than my skin). But whatever, when did packers ever come in your original skin color anyways? Yeap, there's no shading on this one my dears. So the color wasn't too realistic, but at least it looks nice.

So overall for packaging and looks? I give it a 9/10.

Moving onto how this guy actually feels in my underwear. I honestly feel like I'll be complaining throughout the rest of this review. Let's just cut to the chase, I think it's safe to say that it felt uncomfortable the first few days. This one takes a bit of getting used to. (I'm not sure if that's just me, I haven't heard this problem with anyone else but yknow, everyone's different and I'm speaking from my brutally honest experience and perspective). Well, I found my hand in my underwear every few minutes or so. Some of you might think I'm wearing underwear that's unfit to pack with. That might be the case, but I wear super tight boxer briefs from H&M (if y'all shop there y'all would know that these underwear don't have the peehole in them. And in that aspect, I find H&M underwear to be more superior than the tommy ones that I own). So I don't necessarily think the problem lies in my underwear, cause these boys are tight enough to make it look like I actually have some ass. lmao tmi. Anyways the problem with this guy is, like everyone says, he's ballsy! Too ballsy. The size of the shaft and all is beautiful, wonderful. But damn the balls are wayyyy too huge for the rest of the packer. This thing is like 60% balls honestly. And that's where the problem lies dormant. 

First of all, in jeans. In jeans and shorts that aren't basketball or any type of flowy shorts, this guy is wonderful. Wonderful until I walk out of the car and into Target where the packer itself has managed to turn completely sideways! I've heard one other person talk about this problem with this specific packer before. But then again, I find my hand in my underwear trying to fixate it to one spot. It works like that, like a cycle for the rest of the day. I give it around 30 mins until I feel like I really have to fix it.

But those are in jeans. Shorts and sweats are a different story. In sweats they make an obvious bulge, again because this guy is super ballsy. Everytime I'm lounging at home or with my girl in sweats or basketball shorts, It always looks like I'm up for action. Literally. I'm still sorta having this problem. Again, it takes some getting used to. And it always depends on you and what's comfortable to you. So far I think I'm getting the hang of it, finding the correct and most comfortable position anyways. But it's only been two weeks time for me, and I'm sure that's nothing compared to the 17 years I've lived without a penis. So of course it's going to take a lot of time to get used to it. Don't get frustrated and think that this packer is terrible, I mean it might be for you, but give it some time and don't give up on him. It's all trial and error. Trial and error.

So in terms of comfortableness? 6/10 mates. For now anyways.

This is just the etc. portion of this review. This guy tends to emit an odor. I mean what wouldn't after being all up against your sweaty junk all day? No surprise. But this guy's odor is strong, for me anyways. (A little embarrassing yeah, but I'm not the only one with this problem from what I've seen.) My previous body wash didn't serve well in masking the smell. The one I have now definitely does a spectacular job with it. So yknow, I recommend trying out different soaps and stuff for your packer. I just wash it in the shower with me so, I'm not sure what temperature it's best to wash it in. This guy also gets real sticky afterwards, so yknow dusting it off with the powder stuff or cornstarch should work, but personally I skip this step. (Not sure if that's a good idea or not, haven't exactly done my research on that.) I think the stickiness allows it to stay in place more than when it's not. Remember, washing and caring for your packer is important and vital to it's health and longevity!

More stuff here:

I have taken this to the pool and to the hot tub. So if you wanna know how that went, keep on reading.

I was worried about the pool because of chlorine, although I've heard it's perfectly fine for the beach's salt water. Someone said it was perfectly fine in the pool so I went in with it. I wore regular swimming trunks, ones with the net in it. I also didn't wear underwear because I totally forgot to pack some (the pool was at my friend's place). Luckily for me the net in the trunks were elastic, sorta like a hair tie but not that tight. Tight enough to keep my junior in place while I swam around. I stayed in the pool for about an hour, occasionally getting out of the water. It handled just fine. Personally it really helped with dysphoria when swimming. Because the bulge was there to show that I'm just a male swimming with a shirt on.

10/10 in the pool.

The hot tub, I was a little hesitant with. Because I've read the you shouldn't boil this dude. Probably because it'll melt into a pile of goo. But you know, I went in anyways. Maybe around 30 mins in total? The packer was totally fine despite the hot tub serving its purpose, being hot. I don't suggest sticking around for more than an hour though, but what do I know?

8/10 for the hot tub!

 I hope this was helpful! I don't regret buying it though. A good first time packer, good for the price too. I know finding your first packer is hard, but tbh you won't know whether you like it or not until you actually buy it! Good luck.

If you have any questions please ask.

[jchall110]

I'm gonna tell y'all a story. It's a story about social stigmas, the American public education system, capitalism, mental health, income inequality, and parents who think they know best but actually cause more harm than good. It's the story of how I ended up where I am right now: in the break room of a major retail location wanting desperately to cry but unable to.

When I was very young, my parents knew I was different. I won't bog this down with the details, but essentially I was noticably different than my peers enough that my mom took me to get tested for various learning disabilities or mental disorders. Initially, the diagnosis I was given was ADHD, but that didn't satisfy my mother. She took me back a year later and I was diagnosed with Asperger's. Satisfied, my mother began talking with various specialists to see what kind of future I would have, and what we could start doing to help me become more well-adjusted to society. Once I had made it to grade school, after 2 years of kindergarten, I worked with an occupational therapist weekly, for 5 years. When I reached high school, I was declared well-adjusted enough by the school district that I no longer needed a 504 plan. I was officially no longer a special needs student. *Yay!*

I struggled my way through high school, having a lot of trouble with homework, especially long-term assignments like projects and essays. I didn't fail any classes (except my creative writing class, but that's a different story), but I nearly failed several important classes my junior year and only barely was able to graduate on time. But graduate I did, and I got accepted into the college in my town, which was really the only school I wanted to go to. So I started college. First semester freshman year was tough, as it often is for new freshmen. Of the 4 classes I was taking at the beginning of the semester, I dropped out of one and almost failed the other 3. I was told that it happens to everyone and that I would be fine after adjusting to college life.

Second semester of freshman year was worse. Of the 4 classes I started with, I dropped out of one and failed 2, and the third I only passed because my professor fudged the grades a little bit. First semester of sophomore year I failed all 4 classes I was taking. Near the end of that semester, when I knew that I wasn't going to pass anything, I began looking into some of the reasons why I was struggling and how I could possibly help myself. In looking, I mentioned to my mom some of the issues I'd been having. She told me about the initial diagnosis of ADHD, which I had no idea about up until this point, at 20 years old. I had been diagnosed with a learning disability for about 18 years and it had been untreated, and I didn't know about it until then. I began looking up stories of people with ADHD, and talking with my friends who have ADHD, and everything clicked into place. Unfortunately, it was too little, too late and I was placed on academic suspension, unable to return for the second semester of my sophomore year. Because I'm from a family that doesn't have a whole lot of money, but has just enough money that the government won't help me pay for college, I had to take out several private loans to pay for the 3 semesters of school I had. And because the grace period of these loans wasn't very long, I needed to find a job quickly to prevent missing payments and tanking both my own and my father's credit scores.

In February of this year, I began working at a major retail location. I will refrain from using its name because I want to. Those of you who care enough to know probably already know. Anyway, I work in the back room, about 3 shifts a week, for a total of about 24 hours per week, at $12/hour, paid bi-weekly. That's enough for me to cover my student loan payments, with some extra spending money, and still have a little left over. I'm thankful that I don't have to pay for rent, food, utilities, etc. because my dad knows that young people these days are, as he says, "financially fucked" and is allowing me to stay at his place, at least until I figure out my next step. Working retail, if you don't know, sucks hardcore. If you can avoid doing it, do so. If not, I'm so so sorry. A lot of people say that the worst part of retail is dealing with customers, but I personally think that the worst part of retail is corporate expectations. I believe this because retail would still suck if customers were better. If corporate expectations were more reasonable, it wouldn't suck nearly as much as it does now. I am one person, but they expect me to do the work of 5 people, which brings us to today.

It's back-to-school time, which is our second-busiest time of year. (I'll give you three guesses as to what's the busiest. I'll give you a hint: it's the really really obvious one.) Being in the back room, especially being the person in the back room when the store closes, means that I have to do little things everywhere in the store. Little bit of helping get product on the shelf, little bit of fulfilling online orders, little bit of helping people find stuff... Today, I've spent all of my shift so far, a bit over half, packing boxes that will be shipped to people's houses. I've had to do this because there were a very large amount of orders today and the people who work that part of the store during the day didn't have enough help getting it done. I will likely continue doing this until I have about a quarter of my shift left, at which point I will not have time to do anything else except get the back room set up for the truckload of product we're getting tomorrow morning. It is likely that I will get reprimanded, or at least will get a bad performance review, because of this. This is not the first time I've had to spend most of a shift doing things that should have been finished long before I even got here, but this is certainly the worst example up until now.

I've also had trouble sleeping the last few days, which may or may not be related to the fact that I feel miserable because I'm 21 years old and working part-time in retail while living with my dad after failing out of college. All in all, this day has sucked tremendously. It's understandable that I want to cry. And yet, because of the years of occupational therapy that I went to to learn how to "control" my emotions (among other things), I'm unable to. I cannot express my emotions in real life because "emotions are bad, mmkay?" according to the conditioning that I received as a child in school. Basically, I'm emotionally crippled and find it almost impossible to express myself truly in front of people unless my inhibitions are blocked, whether through comfort with a situation or being in an altered state of mind.

Were I able to express my emotions the way I'd like to express them in this moment, I believe that management here would finally understand that the amount of pressure that's been put on at least me is too much. That could go one of two ways. Either they realize that the pressure is on more than just me and that they need to get more people to help out back here, or they think that I'm unable to work this job and they give me less hours, or fire me outright. Chances are likely that it would end up being the second one, and I'm financially dependent on this job. If they do fire me, or make me quit, or whatever, it's unlikely I'll be able to find any other job anywhere except possibly at my dad's machine shop, and I a) wouldn't be making nearly as much money there as I make here and b) really really really don't want my dad to be my boss. Basically, I'm in an absolutely terrible position, and most of it can be boiled down to my mother refusing to accept that I have ADHD. So thanks Mom.

Anyway, I need to get back to work, and also find my manager so I can ask her what the fuck I should do.

[trafficridermoney-blog]

Traffic Rider Cheats

Traffic Rider Guides

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[spotlightsaga]

Kevin Cage of @spotlightsaga reviews... Ballers (S03E01) Seeds of Expansion Airdate: July 23, 2017 @hbo Ratings: 2.476 Million :: 1..22 18-49 Demo Share Score: 8/10 TVTime/FB/Twitter/Tumblr/Path: @SpotlightSaga **********SPOILERS BELOW********** 'Ballers' is back on HBO, planting its hyper-masculine seed wherever it can slide in. No really. It sounds crass, but the metaphor is woven beautifully throughout the S3 premiere of the sports-centric, premium cable dramedy. Ricky (John David Washington) is having a baby, it's not exactly what he had in mind until he was told it definitely WAS happening, after he was told it wasn't when he thought it could be a possibility. Ah, don't you just love the way irony tastes? Well, I hate to break it to you, but that's not exactly irony that's sticking to the sides of your tongue... No, no... Thats more or less manipulation, take it or leave it. Amber (Brittany S Hall) is playing the game that she must play, she knows exactly how Ricky feels about her and his 'Bad Boy' image precedes him. It's not that we think Amber is wrong for how she handled the situation, it's actually totally brilliant... It's just not exactly on the up and up, but when you're dealing with a Man-Child who's just now coming to a place in his life where he's starting to come to terms with his existential reality, then the best strategy is to give the quintessential player a game to play. All this fertility talk has got our favorite underdog Spencer Strasmore (Dwayne Johnson) spooked. He brags about his 'pull-out game being 100', and Ricky suggests that maybe it's 100 because his his loins aren't exactly producing the fruits of his loom. This cascades into a mini-obsession for 'The Rock's Spencer character and even compels him to mention it to his doc, Dr Robbins (Stacy Ann Rose), who at this point, knows way too much about his life. In true Spencer Strasmore fashion, when Dr Robbins immediately sets him up with an appointment to face the truth of his fertility matter head on, Spencer dips and throws all the 'swimmer' talk somewhere deep behind the walls of what we could probably consider a wall built with bricks laced with toxic masculinity. Besides, Spencer has other 'Seeds' to think about. He borrowed money from Ricky in S2, 5 Mill to be exact, and he needs to capitalize on his next big venture to make paying Ricky back a reality. We get a bit of a big name guest star as Steph Curry and his girl give Spencer a call and he attempts to seize the opportunity to break out of the world of the NFL & into the world of the NBA. Only, nothing in 'Ballers' ever goes the way it's planned... NOTHING. Remember that. Steph cancels on Spence, Mr Anderson (Richard Schliff) is pissed because he's depending on a high profile guest of honor at a big dinner party that night. In a desperation move and without a replacement, Spencer takes his ever-encouraging, chihuahua-esque, best friend's 'feel good' advice and treats himself as the 'Main Event' at Mr Anderson's private soirée where Spencer is to woo a potential massive client, Wayne Hastings (Steve Guttenberg - Can I get a fuck yeah?!). Wayne buys into Spencer's big speech and I gotta tell ya, so did I! Ever since I was a teen, watching 'The Rock' dropping 'The People's Elbow' & raising 'The People's Brow' while laying the smack down on opponents on WWF/WWE television, I knew Dwayne Johnson was a star. Seeing him truly embody the spirit, the ups and downs, the origins, just the tooth & nail of this character, Spencer Strasmore, throughout 3-seasons of 'Ballers' truly cements him as not just a real life, big time, Hollywood actor, as we've already seen him establish... But here in 'Ballers', he's a legitimate, respectable character actor who is a real contender to eventually plant serious awards on his mantle sometime in the near future. If Dwayne Johnson has yet to earn your respect, then you haven't been paying attention. He's the real deal. He's selling Guttenberg the dream of a potential NFL team in Vegas, and you can just feel the electricity in their back & forth. These are the times when the show truly comes alive and here again we see the theme of 'planting a seed' come full circle. Let's not forget about Charles (Omar Benson Miller). He has quickly become one of my favorite characters on the show. We've seen his struggle from out of work ex-football star to cheesy car salesman to rising star and major player on the Miami Dolphins coaching staff. The pressure is real for Charles. He's getting hives, he's being thrown to the wolves (and by wolves I mean media), and he's being tossed into a position he probably isn't exactly qualified for. I can't help but think that whatever experiment the coaching staff and owners are concocting behind the scenes, that Charles is the fall guy... Or could be easily thrown into that position if whatever they're going for turns sour. Another seed planted for S3... Plenty to grow on, and it looks like we're going to get much more than just the breathtaking camera work and cinematography in my beautiful city of Miami this season! Let her rip, y'all! Ballers gon' Ball!