#see this got too long... sigh
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The little pout only earned her a lifted brow, a slightly harder edge to the set of his features as he quietly urged her to do as commanded without fuss. Of course she did, soon leaving his side to grab her bag. Meanwhile, Declan took the time to give Tim his instructions, his eyes following the redhead across the room - just to make sure a certain actor didn't suddenly notice and decide to make his move while he and Cora were apart. He felt quite certain that would not end well.
Luckily, Cora made her way to and fro without incident and Declan hung up on Tim just as she came back into his vicinity, tucking his phone back into his pocket. "I set aside my evening for you, love. Whether we spend it here or elsewhere is unimportant. No, actually, elsewhere would be preferable." He cast a look about the room, shaking his head at the peacocking of it all. New money, he internally scoffed. Then he placed a hand on the small of her back. "Your patience," his lips twitched with intent, an edge of promise in his gaze, "you can save for later." Then it was gone, the hint of something decidedly improper, and he spoke evenly once more. "Besides, I think Tim will appreciate having the rest of the night off to spend with his wife."
Gently, he then began guiding her through the crowd with just a gentle directive touch at her back. He moved with purpose, and yet managed to steer clear of any would-be collisions along the way, getting outside without much notice... until the hoard of photographers outside caught sight of them. Declan released a sigh, took a moment to locate Tim with the car, and then sped up his pace to get himself and Cora out of the spotlight. Tim had the door open and ready when they arrived, and Declan was quick to direct Cora inside. He followed himself soon after, releasing another sigh once the door was closed, muffling the bustle of people outside.
He took out his phone without looking at Cora, picked out a number and brought the phone to his ear without a word. The phone rang twice before being picked up by what Cora would be able to identify was a female voice, though she couldn't hear the words on the other end. "Hey," he greeted, waiting for a bit to listen to what was said on the other end. Then: "Yes, exactly as expected." A pause as the car began moving. "Hmm, no. I don't expect anything, but make sure Clarissa is on it." Another pause, longer this time. "No, I'll speak with Marcus myself later tonight."
Declan's gaze finally shifted to Cora as he quieted once more, the intensity of his gaze full of promise and completely at odd with the even tone of his voice. "Good. Thank you, Quinn." Another pause, very brief. "See you in the morning." Then he finally hung up, his eyes still on Cora. He patted his lap. "Come here."
For the record, for whatever reason, in this moment, him calling her a good girl was almost enough to make her go feral. It wasn't an isolated incident, it wasn't new, but goddamn did all of her want twist and turn into need all too suddenly. The desire rushed at her, like a wave, taking her off kilter, necessitating a moment to collect herself, to figure out how to react, what to do with all of the physical need she suddenly felt.
This was one part of their dynamic she didn't care for. She felt so much, and sometimes she just needed to touch, to kiss, to show those feelings instead of talking about them. She wanted to grab him, to kiss him harder, to show him how much she needed him, show him what he did to her, and it was frustrating to think she shouldn't, to ultimately not.
As always, there wasn't enough time to focus on the frustration, the need rising up again, the base of her brain where her instincts were housed taking control. She waited, feeling like she couldn't breathe, the anticipation of his answer a heady kind of feeling. The way he touched her was only amplifying her desire, and she was trying so hard to push it away. Then he was cutting her loose and she full on pouted at the disconnection.
Grabbing her bag was quick work, but also a long enough break that she had time to think it over. This was silly, she felt dramatic and silly for getting him to come out just to try to take him away so soon. "We don't have to leave. I don't want you to feel like you wasted your time tonight. I just..." Sucking in a deep breath, she was trying not to laugh at herself. "I just really, really wanna show you how much I appreciate you, and I don't think these folks would be happy bein' present for how I plan to do that." At the present moment, she wanted to eat him alive. "I can be patient, though."
#see this got too long... sigh#also packed it with too much but i just... sigh#sorry? :#*declan thread*#*declan: cora warren 002*#aftermiiidniiight
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END OF CHAPTER ONE
FORGETTABLE-AU (Page 65-72)
* Time to put this puzzle together.
[BEGINNING] [PREVIOUS] [CONTINUE]
#long post#SO SORRY FOR THE POST BEING SO LONG BUT I NEEDED THE DRAMA AND YOU GUYS BEING LIKE#āwhy is it still going.....ā#hehe#JOKES ON YOU! I LIED! THESE ARE 8 PAGES NOT 6!!!#yippiee#YOU GOT EVEN MORE#OKAY NOW#To address everything!!!#ātime travel? Really?ā#YES REALLY#HAVE YOU ALL SEEN WHAT SANS SAYS IN HIS BATTLE#āour reportsā ātimelines jumping left and rightā āan anomaly in the time-space continuumā HE KNOWS ABOUT THAT STUFF#HE RESEARCHED THAT STUFF#HE HAS A SECRET CODEWORD READY IN CASE HE FINDS A TIME TRAVELER WHY WOULD HE HAVE THAT???#Alphys has researched alternate universes too(which are usually related to alternate timelines)#okay enough of me rambling#I told u guys I made a mess to make the undertale timeline make sense lol#ANYWAYYSS#SIGH finally done with chapter one#IT WAS 52 PAGES LONG!!!!#So many things happened here#PAPYRUS AND FLOWEY ARE BACK!!!!#see you all again soon with chapter TWO#forgettable-au#forgettable-au-comic#papyrus#papyrus is gaster#undertale#gaster
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(Wondering why I've been feeling like total garbage shit for days on end) (remembers that I actually have a genuine hardcore hyperfixation right now and for some stupid fucking reason I just stopped playing the game for like a week now) FUCK !!! I'M SO FUCKING STUPID OH MY GOD I LITERALLY JUST HAVE TO PLAY REGRETEVATOR TO FIX ME OH MY GODDD
#tide of consciousness#I'M ??? HELP#I was sitting here feeling like garbage as has been happening for days and then I see a post about regretevator and#And it literally felt like I died i got so excited and i started tearing up I'M SO STUPIDDD#I've been going so long with casual interests I forgot I have to engage our die I'm in engage or die mode!!! It's been ages !!!#It's not helped by my weird inclination to just keep doing something if it happens too many times in a row#I didn't play for a couple days? Guess we doin don't play the game now#Fuck me wow. Why do I do. How do I forget these things. This is basic survival tactics for me . Sigh
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more self portaits
#kostik draws#woooo#id make a self portraits tag but im a little torn on people coming here just to see that#i actually got halfway through drawing a Long Comic about myself but i realise now it is Way Too Graphic#so while it was somewhat therapeutic i will not be finishing or posting it#sigh... tis the nature of such things#did tag
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#just needed to vent for a sec but oh god am i tired of people#'friends' both irl and online got me fucked up lately#mental healths been in the shitter almost nonstop this year#familys always got me up the wall#i just feel like I'm constantly treading water and i am *tired*. like so fucking TIRED#it's never enough; it's too much; no not like that; but not that either; it's all wrong wRoNg WrOnG#ik im sleep deprived and possibly pms-y and that is most certainly not helping things rn but...#gods i see less and less of a reason to get out of bed and bother with anything ever again#wtf is the purpose#i can't keep friends to save my life bc im apparently a fuckin doormat and interesting as unflavored rice or smth#how hard is it to feel like you maybe sorta kinda matter and aren't an unlovable worthless piece of shit#years of therapy; trying meds; everything under the sun.... and nothing. lows and highs and dips of every kind and yet ..nothing#and maybe im just very much in my feelings rn and just yelling into the void.. but it hurts and im tired of pretending it doesn't.#i hate how hard it is to make friends as an adult especially irl. and how gossipy and cliquey and gross and mean ppl can be#of getting called childish and naive and boring for wanting to be a decent person and having interests outside of partying#(not attacking those traits but tired of getting attacked for *not* being 'fun' enough or 'social' enuf or 'sensitive' for having feelings)#enough*#i just want to go eat drywall and stand in the rain and let it help me pretend im not crying blood rn.#like every cell in my body isn't trying to spontaneously combust.#'it gets better' ..yeah? when. when i was 14? when i was 23? when im 37? when im 55? 82? WHEN.. bc im so sick and tired#and no this isn't me writing a final note or whatever it sounds like; i just wanted to word vomit bc ive never been good w sadness#and ive got such an overwhelming amount of it rn i can't even turn it into anger & spite & use that for productivity... i just want to rot#to lie down and be covered by plants as i sleep and just slowly fade into a cloud or smth like it's a ghibli movie or wtv.#im like shaking from how stupidly emotional i feel rn. the lack of empathy these days is fuckin astounding#common sense & empathy are lacking in absolutely droves these days. some days i hate the internet & tech for its irreparable damages sm#but here we are and here it shall remain. long after us; and *long* after us ..... *sigh*#anyway ima go try to take a nap or smth. I'll see ya when i see ya. take care my lovelies#if u read all this i prob owe you a cookie lol
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just thinking thoughts
#hmmā¦ sappy moment rn but#y'all have given me so much over the past few years and it helped me get through so much shit#like i never would've posted or continued writing if it wasn't for all the love i got on my stuff (or maybe i would yk but i wouldn't post#any of it)#and i've had so much fun creating all these stories and characters ā ruin you cmi atrw c&f etc etc#like 3 years ago i never would've thought anyone would love these silly ideas my brain comes up with so much#support them and be kind about them and also give ME as a person so much love?? ykwim? like im not used to this much affection#but i'm so thankful :') i do feel valued hereā¦ and i hope life stays gentle enough for me to be able to finish all this#like to finish cmi and all the other stuff i want to share before i leave this placeā¦ i hope the passion never fades#and that y'all stick around too <3 that whenever i do leave some day i don't regret not finishing something#but go with a content heart and with the hope that my stuff will be loved even when im away and the blog's archived#y'all are amazing :') it was easier to hold on over the years truly#sigh yeah that's it.. this got very long i know but if you read it all ā ily :') <3#maybe dl?? maybe not let's see
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ramble
#BARISI MERMAID AU#sonny being a mermaid in a beach and watches from the svu team from a distance drag a corpse to shore#the same corpse that sonny ended up finding by accident ā because he didnāt realize he was swimming down the wrong stream.#until he bumped into it. ties it to a rock and waits for early dawn to hit pebbles at passerby's so theyāll catch sight of the body.#rafael catches sight of something in the water ā sonny ducking back into the sea when the ADA points right at him.#sonny doesnāt see any of the csu or svu officers for the next two days. not until rafael is returning in the later afternoon.#eyes drifting across the sand ā flickering to the sea. looking for something. or maybe another someone?#sonny decides to swim as close as he can. rafael picks up a broken shell. throws it out to the sea. nothing happens.#he sighs. rubs his bleary eyes and spins on his heel to head back home. a sharp spike of pain hits his skull.#he turns around ā but thereās no one there. a perfect conch lays on the ground.#sonny gets the courage to introduce himself to rafael they meet often blah blah blah they get into an arguement#so barba doesnt come back for three days but then regrets it only to find out that sonny is gone and he becomes upset#meanwhile a week later sonny is arrested for public indecency because holy shit! he got legs!#amaro and fin trying to figure out who tf this guy is but he has no fingerprints in the system#or on his fingers. its literally purely smooth skin. just those wrinkles where youāve been in the shower for too long.#amaro is assigned to watch sonny while they figure out where tf he came from because sonny does not know any english#besides coffee. because barba loved coffee. meanwhile barba is losing his fucking mind and sleep#amaro has sonny as his roommate for 2 months then finds out sonny knows barba when he sees him in the newspaper and starts screaming RAFA!#they reunite in the office and before they can kiss tucker comes in and suddenly he is speaking mermaid because tucker was#assigned to IAB by Poseidon to continue to keep mermaids hidden from the public eye. blah blah they kiss#valeress rambles#part 2 of this fic is literally intersex carisi and barba fucking this entire plot is an excuse to write intersex carisi#ok sleeping now gn
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not even gonna tag this properly bc i don't wanna get Involved but i do have some Thoughts i need to get out into the void so here we go
(aaa quick edit: CW for mention/discussion of Boothill leaks)
#today's gone Badly and i'm upset but instead of venting abt it i'm gonna channel that energy into doing a bit of tag rambling abt Boothill#well. less abt Him and more abt uh. self-analyzing my anxiety surrounding contributing to fandoms. he's just today's catalyst#like. i know it's mostly a me thing. i'm hypersensitive to criticism and very conflict avoidant + socially anxious + perfectionistic etc.#so I'm the one that keeps myself from posting more stuff out of fear of being criticized or called-out for what i've made#bc inevitably Someone's gonna see it and think its OOC or a problematic take or they'll misread my intent. etc etc what have you#but like. that's inevitable. there's no way to communicate every single thing with all of the nuance required to avoid misunderstandings#and other times it's not a misunderstanding it's just a difference of opinions and that's Fine!! there's no accounting for personal taste#there's no accounting for several things actually. tasteā biasā lore-knowledgeā differing levels of chronic-online-nessā etc#so this isn't me complaining abt the state of fandom culture (although i do think. sometimes. ppl take shit a bit too seriously)#but anyways all of this is mostly just anxiety-fueled. it's not like i very often actually even receive negative feedback or anything#if anything ppl tend to tell me that i'm overthinking it and killing my own fun and worried that my stuff is more OOC than it is#which like. yeah. Yeah u right :) but that's just the way that i am! always losing the idgaf war i suppose#anyways what's Boothill got to do w this ur wondering. well. i've been thinking abt the quickly emerging concept that he's illiterate.#and it just. has me feeling a lot of ways. and watching ppl disagree over it has me feeling some Bad ways. bc it's def a loaded topic!#if you'll pardon the pun there. and i don't rlly have anything new to add other than that i'm conflicted abt it.#like yeah i saw the leaks days ago. of him mentioning 'not hitting the books' much as a child when we ask him why he sends voice messages#or voice Transcriptions ig. ykwim. and like. *braces for impact* ...i liked it? like. it doesn't feel right to call it endearing#i'm not trying to infantilize him. ok that's not the right word either but ugh. you know? what i mean?? who am i kidding even i don't know#it's not quite right to say that it feels like Representation either. but it's something close i guess#as a southern person myself who didn't receive a 'complete' education due to factors that weren't to do with my intelligence#the concept of seeing him as a capable force to be reckoned with and respected who also happens to have not received much formal education#i like that. i do. but there's so many issues w it at the same time. like. as i saidā being southern myself has me Wary of the way Hoyo is-#writing him. as well as of the way that the fandom is taking the bits of his lore and running away w them. and i'm Very aware of how ppl-#will see a southern character and be All Too Eager to agree that they're lacking intelligence based on our Redneckā¢ stereotype#sigh. and before we even go too far with this. it's not even confirmed that hes completely illiterate. which is a valid criticism i've seen#there's Multiple reasons that could make him prefer voice to text. but regardless. i'm just worried that ppl will misconstrue my intentions#like. example: that edit i made the other day of him saying 'no thanks i can't read'. wasn't me playing into the stereotype of-#'haha dumb country boy can't read!' it was. in my eyes. something he'd say as a joke to make light of a potential insecurity#like. i think there's far more depth to Boothill's character if ppl could look past the surface. and i dont wanna contribute to the problem#but sometimes ppl Will have stereotypical traits and i wish the same could apply to characters as long as it's done Thoughtfully.
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ok we're back. what the fuck
#really interesting couple of hours#dark and wil dot exe are not working currently. NO idea what happened to shut them down#mark is perfectly fine??? i mean he's... partially on fire but that's not causing him any harm it looks like. he's red aligned so that also#makes sense that he controls fire actually.#bill almost shattered I think. looking at Him He's got big cracks down His back? and He said earlier He heard the headspace start crumbling#no idea what happened there but everyone is fine#uhhhhhh ..... the body cried. a lot. but everyone is unharmed. except bill. whom again. has a giant ass crack in Him.#but i dont think it's hurting Him??#you may be like 'that sounds like a sign that you should sleep' we're not tired at all#sighs. and all this on cosm's birthday too. fuck.#im worried the headspace DID shatter some but we've been holed up in mine amd Actor's room for the past couple hours#lmfao we're all too scared to check#if it... DID shatter then I reckon half our crew is out of commission actually and unreachable#which sucks.#because that means dark and wil are also unreachable.#y'know. 2 out of 3 of our hosts. fhfhdjdjfjdjsj#at least we can still reach ego brains...? probably???#we'll see.#pk;m Cielš§āš#tl;dr: stress sucks bad. this is the aftereffects of a Lot of it i guess.#........ ohhh yep that's. a good chunk of Spacehead missing. don't know how long it'll be til we get that half back.#Cosm was in that half. christ alive.#fjfnxnxnxnzn#sorry to sound dramatic. this all correlates to: WE'RE STRESSED! least we aren't splitting anymore. fncjxndnf#deletey
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#so that dotd rewrite is out and i have some thoughts on it but i wouldn't know where to put them.. maybe in here bc i don't actually feel -#- like making a whole ass text post. this is coming from me as criticism and not hate.. just some crit from one fan to another if you get m#SPOILERS AHEAD >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>#first off props to the team because this was obv a labor of love - 4 and a half years to make a feature long fan movie is hard work#and the animated stuff was a really nice touch and very commendable - you don't see them too often in big fanworks#in terms of the story well.. there are some things i like and some things that i don't (personally) again no hate#i'm aware this is a rewrite and boy howdy it IS a rewrite - though i am a bit sad that percy doesn't end up being the protagonist and it's#- thomas that has to play hero again.. like i kinda get it but what made the original dotd stand out was that percy was given the spotlight#so i spent an ungodly amount of time wondering when percy was gonna take charge or step into the main story to resolve the problem.. sigh#i liked that they tried to give norman more of a character bc a lot of characters do often get neglected in the series but it was kind of -#- hard to sell that for me? the twist in this rewrite was very creative and i do appreciate it but i guess it just ain't for me#ādifferentā is ok and this is just one of many fan rewrites for this particular story#if there was something i enjoyed.. i guess the beginning was still kind of exciting because the set up was honestly like hype a bit#i liked that diesel and d10 actually got to interact face to face and there are clearer dynamics established for the diesels#and also. silverband's performances as d10 will always be fun he does a fantastic job voicing him (how d10 stole xmas will still be my fav)#my criticisms for this movie also derive from the pacing and the voice acting - i found it hard to try and understand tones sometimes -#- because the delivery felt so off.. like don't get me wrong not everyone in the fandom is a voice actor but if we're using static faces -#- for these fan works the delivery has to be a little more clear or else it'll sound like you're reading from a script.. sorry yall :"|#for the pacing i found it a bit hard to parse when some things were going on and how fast things were progressing#as well as the crashes.. that's also another thing bc i couldn't tell bc of the sfx and audio balancing - it could be better..#i wanna say. muffled voices do not substitute for a āfar awayā/off-screen voice bc i still can't hear it :ā|#there were a lot of throwbacks and references to older thomas media/movies but some of them felt a little.. much?#if this is a dotd rewrite why are we getting some parallels with tatmr.. but i digress. at least they made diesel beef with duck a bit#there's a lot more i could say but i'm keeping those to myself. at the end of the day this fan movie was hard work for everyone involved#and you can tell some of the folks were having fun in there - props to them! i'm always glad to see more fan works in the community#we've come so far we're making feature length fan stories and rewrites that's crazy! i hope to see more in the future#fauxtrainpost.txt
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We <3 hearing things
#i swear I am hearing stuff#it might be because this is an old house and those make noises sometimes#but maybe there's something#and maybe there's nothing at all and I'm imagining this#i think I'll clean my room sometime the next days....#it's overdue anyways there's this one corner where i haven't looked at in like two years out of fear what might linger in those depths#my room is a nightmare for people with dust allergies#carpet everywhwre last time i dusted off was too long ago to remember#there's some mold on my windows because i used to rarely open them#that was before I noticed that fresh air is really nice actually and i like breathing good#my couch creaks too and I know my heater sometimws makes strange noises#the boiler from my floors bathroom got the verdict āout of date and should probably be replaced''#it works well but now I'm a tad scared of it exploding#or giving me carbon monoxide poisoning#We're paranoid like that ig thats in up here nowadays#god I really should deepclean this thing sometime#by couch too i sleep on it every day so I seldom get the chance to really do something there#because. like. i kinda need that thing#but I vacuumed and where was a lot of dust#why do I live in filth I even try to keep it somewhat alright#sigh I'll just do what I can do for today and chamge my bedsheets#we'll see about the rest when we get there
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Everyone out here giving Hollow cute moth partners, or pretty mantises or bees or whatnot.
Fuck that, where's the AU where Hollow falls in love with a massive feral Wyrm?
#*Long Sigh* I guess I'll have to Do It Myself then#Hollow Knight#Yall are sleeping on this and it's criminal#It's such a funny idea#Tiny quiet and kind Hollow seeing a massive Wyrm just fucking up another Higher Being and going like-#''Oh no she's hot.''#and then like ''whAT DID I JUST THINK?!''#And she's just like...''wtf is this tiny little toothpick doing staring at me? you ain't food gtfo''#Hollow's got the Wyrm Genes that make him think Wyrms are Sexy and he's CONFUSED#But he tries to court her anyway because he's caught the Stupid For Her sickness#And she's annoyed for soooo looong because he won't leave her alone and his attempts at courting her are pathetically laughable.#Until one day she realizes -- ''Oh fUCK I'M IN LOVE WITH THIS IDIOT''#Obligatory 'antagonist tries to hurt/kill Hollow and Wyrm Lady goes absolutely BERSERK on their ass.' idea#But destroying them kills her and Hollow has to watch her die bc Rule of Angst#(He can't heal her. He lost the ability to Focus from containing the Radiance.)#(But he remembers what the King did and tries to desperately get her to do that too. It doesn't seem like it works...)#(But he refuses to leave her body bc he can't bear to loose her so he's there when she violently claws her way out the side of it)#(She collapses-bloody and exhausted-into his arms and greets him with the derisive nickname for him that's turned into an affectionate one)#(And he laughs while weeping tears of void. he laughs in relief and gratitude and love)
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Best 4 hours of my life, with the loml ā”
#googie š°#i know i always say this but i can never really explain the way i feel about him </3 itās so hard to put into words#i feel so complete now god i love him so much š„ŗ!! even that is an understatement š#i think it was like? 10:30 pm when i saw the weverse notif... and now itās past 3 am jdghbcbn#i felt so many emotions throughout everything (the wv live; the ig live; and then wv live again) but god.#iām just way too happy that i got to see him again š„ŗ; i missed him a lot!#crazy how just yesterday afternoon i teared up watching a reel on ig about missing him </3 and then 6 hours later!!! he shows up š#lol and i had so many mini breakdowns bc of him š heās a flirt FLIRT huh šāš¼! WHAT ABOUT MY WEAK LITTLE HEART SIR???#i really have no defence when it comes to jk </33... sigh. but he sang sooooo many songs š„°š„°#including txt! svt! nwjns! iām one happy bitch š¤©āš¼#what a great day to be alive honestly! just hope that he gets some rest bc goddamn itās nearly 7 am at sk now ļæ½ļæ½ļæ½#oh and!!!! WE GOT TO SEE BAM MY BABY AFTER SO LONG IM SQUEALING THEY ARE SO CUTE OMG#HOW DID I ALMOST FORGET TO MENTION THAT LIKE WHAT#it was such a bonus to see tae too š¤#!!! iām just really happy#iāll add more tags later... i just want to fall asleep now bc my eyes literally canāt anymore lol#anyway... ik iām being very delulu here but like. sorry if it bothers you; iām like this. š¤”#will always be jeon jungkookās bitch <3#bye bye ~ my eyes hurt š#see you guys tomorrow and i love jungkook š... and yāall too <3
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went to my first con in 4 years on Friday to meet Kaiji Tang and got a Dazai autograph + video recording of him reading to me. He was the sweetest person (as I knew he would be) and interacting with him was lovely, but also at the same time oh boy it sure was an extremely stressful, ugly wake-up call of what it feels like to live in a world now where everyone around you has blissfully moved on from covid and can enjoy things normally and happily, while you'll forever be trapped in a hellscape of perpetual fear š« š« š«
#like. to be clear this was the first time i've been literally anywhere but doctor's appointments in 4 years#not just because of the pandemic but because of mental and physical exhaustion#so it was a Big Mistake to go from 0 to 100 and not ease myself into it at all#but at the same time........ it was a fucking hellscape of people. i don't think any kind of buildup could have prepared me for it at all.#it was so much less crowded in 2020 (ironically the very last place i ever went; literally on the BRINK of covid)#and now idk what it's become. a monster con. it was unbelievable.#but i was only there for less than an hour but i was so so so terrified that i very nearly left before even seeing him#i couldn't even fully enjoy meeting him as kind as he was because i was so anxious and distracted#and when i got back to the car i just fucking cried.........#the last five days i've just been sitting in fear waiting to feel Any sort of symptoms#i wore two masks and again was barely there for long but Still#and everyone around me was so chill as if everything was normal and No One was wearing a mask :))))) it's not fucking fair man :)))))#insert the 'they don't know' meme; they don't know how much covid can destroy your body even if you get a 'mild' case#i would never want to be that ignorant even if i wasn't disabled and didn't have reason to worry (but everyone has reason to worry!!!)#but also. ignorance is bliss and it just really fucking sucks man.#it really fucking sucks. why do they get to be happy and enjoying life and not /me?/#why can't i do just ONE thing for myself without having it tainted by anxiety and fear that i'm going to die horribly???#while they get to do fucking EVERYTHING???#if they all just wore masks we could all enjoy ourselves much more comfortably than some of us are now#but no that's too much to ask from people ššš#shit sucks man. the world sucks. something that should be a happy memory for me was simultaneously the most awful experience#and i don't know how to feel about it now that it's over#he knew that i was afraid and at the end he told me that he hoped to see me again at another event someday#and that made me cry because it felt like dazai telling me to live. and i want to. but i don't know how to when the world is like this now.#i desperately want to be able to see him again someday but right now after how terrifying that was i never want to go to a con ever again..#i wanted to ask him things about the manga and about dazai but i was being rushed and stressed so i couldn't ugh#(and doing that is hard enough anyway cause disability and i have to talk with my phone bahhhh)#at least i was able to give him my note *sigh*
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honestly, the barbie movie came out exactly when i needed it most.
for a while now I've felt really sad and ugly and hollow. and this movie comes out and i feel . loved and wanted. and heard. and understood.
and i can look at my own reflection and admire my face without feeling repulsed. and i love my cheeks and my wrinkles and my acne. and it all takes time and effort but im willing to do it to love myself more .
#im quitting my department soon and moving to a different one#where im loved and appreciated and thanked to. and where i feel safe .#im gonna start going to the gym soon . try to improve my diet .#slowly gather up the courage to. finally. see a therapist about all this lmao.#animal crossing sigh. ive been really exhausted lately.#im gonna take a break tomorrow#god. sidenote.#ive been feeling kind of awful about my eyes lately. how they look#i looked into buying brown contacts becuz i couldnt stand how they looked#and i look at margot robbie. and gosh she is so so so beautiful.#and her eyes are big and bright . like mine#and idk it made me feel good about myself#ok this post is too long. see ya guys#OK ONE LAST THING. GOT A DND SESH TODAY :3 VERY HAPPY I MISSED MY GROUP. we barely got anything done last session ššš glad we're back lol#chris noises#misc
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you understand me. you get it. creator might be having a fuckshit time but at least you can be a creature! but iām also imaginingā¦ imagine just hanging out with your favorite characters as some kind of little animal bc sure theyād kill you if they knew you were the person theyāre hunting down but pets and scritches are so niceā¦ā¦ worth risking your life for? yes. god yes. absolutely.
is this days late? yeag. iāve been busy doing Things and god there are so many things to be done - teddy anon
i thought your last ask abt this was like two-three days ago butā¦. noā¦. i posted it ystderayā¦. huh-?
anyway youāre still so right. be a snowfox and hang out a albedo in his lab. shift into a cat and stick around the angels share. diluc letās you stay. be a bird and fuck w the wanderer. just stay away from the narukami shrine.
like iā¦. if it was some sort of defense mechanism or like something you fell back on when injuredā¦. razor following the sound of whimpering to you, an injured wolf pup, your form small in your weakened state. you canāt convince me zhongli wouldnāt help a bird with a hurt leg. beidou checks w the crew before saying yeah, kazuha can bring his friend of a stray onboard, since cats always land on their feet donāt they?
oh, and good luck on your Things!
#m1d : [chats]#m1d : [secrets]#teddy anon#oh to be a creatureā¦ā¦ laying in my beloveds armsā¦ā¦ā¦.. ugh#translation itās been way too goddamn long since youāve had any sort of positive contact with another#if in your fear you bite at zhongliās hand nobody can blame you; not even himself. he just picks you up gently#he wonders why heās so insistent on helping a bird that doesnāt want to be helped but when heās got you reasonably patched up and you trust#him a bit more heās glad he did. being a god can get lonely and the fact that you willingly stay with him despite your unclipped wingsā¦#or maybe ventis not allergic to youābecause youāre not really a catāand begs diluc to let him keep you because heās never actually pet a cat#before and holy shit catās fur is so soft come on diluc pleaseeee?#he agrees with a sighāheās sad to see you goāand venti immediately takes you to whatever apartment he has that he doesnāt use#yeah he doesnāt have proper cat food or enrichment toys but itās fineeeee heāll figure it out (he wonāt)#you end up eating cooked fish for like the next two and a half weeks while he convinces diona yes he actually does have a cat and yes he#genuinely does want the best for said cat so please just believe him and tell him what he needs to get. heās so confused. whatās catnip.#oh to be a creatureā¦ā¦. laying in the arms of my belovedā¦.
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