#so while it was somewhat therapeutic i will not be finishing or posting it

[kkoct-ik]

more self portaits

[early2000smovieimagines]

Meeting and Dating Donnie Darko

(Not my gif)(Requested by @teddansonwannabe16 )

(Also, if there’s ever something in these headcanons that you’d like me to write more about; especially in the meeting part, just let me know!)

- You and Donnie sort of met when you were younger but you were never close. You’d lived in the same area of town and waited at the same bus stop every morning but you’d never actually had a full conversation with the boy nor hung out together. 

- Every once in a while, you’d encounter each other. Maybe he’d tell you your backpack was open or where a certain class is, maybe you’d share an umbrella or he’d tell his friends to leave you alone; or maybe you’d share an awkward wave as you passed each other on the street. Other than that, there was nothing between you. 

- That being said, the two of you still liked each other, even if the other person wasn’t aware of it. Your teenage crushes were also; probably, part of the reason the two of you didn’t speak all that much; both of you being too shy and awkward to speak to the other. 

- It was seemingly completely out of the blue that he chose to ask you out. You’d both ended up being alone at the bus stop that day, his sister and her friends going to dance practice early in the morning, his friends skipping class, and Cherita coming down with the flu.

- The two of you stood side by side awkwardly, him glancing over at you a few times before he suddenly blurted out the question of “do you wanna go with me”, making you look over at him in surprise.

- It took you a few moments to respond, wondering if you’d heard him correctly or if there was someone behind you you hadn’t noticed, but after he began to ramble, you finally realized it really was you he was talking to. So you interrupted his babbling and told him that you’d like to.

- The bus pulled up as he smiled and the two of you got on, him sitting beside you and watching you as you looked out the window happily. 

- He walked you to class that day, and the next day, and the day after that, and ...I think you get the picture.

- The two of you didn’t quite have a first date, you sort of just started hanging out together a lot. You’d walk home together or hang out at one of your houses; maybe in the fields by Grandma Deaths house. It wasn’t until a few weeks after you became an item that you actually went out and watched a movie together which you suppose could be considered your first “date”.

- You share your first kiss a few weeks after he asked you out as well. Donnie didn’t want to rush you; and he wasn’t sure of how to do it himself, so he just waited until he couldn’t take it anymore.

- You were hanging out and he was accidentally only half listening to what you were saying up until he finally blurted out that you’ve “been seeing each other for a while”.

- When you replied with a questioning “yeah?”, he grew more nervous and struggled to find what he thought was the right way to say what he wanted to say. That was, until you asked if he wanted to kiss you.

- Instead of replying, he merely closed his eyes, leaned in and connected your lips. You fought back a smile as you wound your arms around his neck, feeling his hands move down to your waist.

- And just like that, Donnie Darko would never be able to let you go again.

- Donnie sort of just pays no mind to most people so if you let him kiss or touch you in public, he will. Plus, as demented as he can be, he does keep things socially acceptable and innocent so you don’t have to worry about that.

- Handholding. There’s just something so comforting and nice about the feeling of another living thing holding and squeezing him back.

- Random affectionate touches.

- Long and tight hugs. 

- Once in a while, he has this inexplicable need to feel you in some way. To kiss you, touch you, be touched by you. You’re what helps him forget about the world and all that's wrong with it. Your warmth, your touch, your lips; they’re what makes his messed up life worth living. 

- Gentle kisses on the cheek and forehead. 

- Soft kisses.

- Intense kisses. Being able to kiss you until he can’t breathe is quite therapeutic for him. 

- Long and slow paced makeout sessions. He could genuinely kiss you for hours. 

- He likes when you rest your head on his shoulder or otherwise be absentmindedly affectionate and comfortable with him. It just reassures him that you actually love and want to be with him; and it just feels nice. 

- He may have trouble initiating it when you first start dating but he actually really likes cuddling. He tends to like to press his face into your neck or chest and wrap his arms around you, especially when his days been sort of shitty. That being said, pretty much any position is fine by him.

- He sorta likes when you nap on or around him, it makes him feel trusted or like he’s your protector or something. He also gets to memorize your features without feeling awkward about looking at you.

- Time is a social construct. If you want to see him or if he wants to see you, the fact that it’s three a.m. is irrelevant. He’ll let you in or sneak you in somehow; you’ve both probably learned how to climb in through each other’s windows.

- Nighttime walks. 

- Stargazing. 

- Listening to him read, or him asking you to read to him.

- Donnie being Donnie, he usually just calls you by your name rather than a nickname or pet name. There’s something about them that makes him feel awkward; they just seem so strange coming out of his own mouth.

- Looking at his writing and paintings. He’ll sometimes give some of them to you as little gifts.

- He once just really wanted to try to do your makeup and honestly, he did a really good job. Every once in a while, he’ll ask to do it again and hey, who are you to turn down a free makeover.

- Running errands together. If Donnie really wants to hang out with you; which he often does, it doesn’t matter what you’re doing, he’ll tag along no matter how boring.

- Donnie isn’t one for extravagant dates and you probably aren’t either so the two of you just sort of hang out together. You’ll do puzzles, ride your bikes, jump on trampolines, etc; all just random fun things.

- Television dates. You swear he must have watched every cartoon from premier to end a dozen times with some of the knowledge he has of them. He’ll go on some long explanation after you express confusion about something and then finish with a shy chuckle and a “I watch a lot of tv”.

- Shooting bottles with him or watching him shoot them while sitting on the couch in the field.

- Sneaking into abandoned buildings. The two of you like to go exploring.

- Always being project partners and sitting together at assemblies, lunch, or in class.

- Always having help with your homework or other assignments. Donnie usually just offers up answers without even thinking about it.

- The good kind of teasing comments. Things that’ll snap you out of your funk or start a conversation/make you smile.

- Sharing headphones or just sharing different music with each other.

- Long, somewhat rambling conversations. He just has a lot to say about a lot of things. 

- Existential debates.

- Letting him rant to you. He gets really worked up over certain things that most people don’t care about so occasionally you’ll just have to sit him down and calm him instead of letting him blow a blood vessel. 

- Listening to the stories of when he was “unruly”. He’ll admit some slightly troubling things and then try to assure you that he’s “better now” so that you don’t think he’s crazy; especially when you first start dating.

- Donnie's view of the world is sort of skewed but even if it wasn’t, he would never judge you, especially because you never judge him. It doesn’t matter what it is, he’ll always stand by you because he cares about and “gets” you.

- He sometimes likes to pretend to be your therapist. It’s meant to be humorous most of the time but occasionally, when you’re upset, he’ll try to see if it actually works or could help you in any way. 

- He always seems to understand you, no matter what nonsense you may be saying. No one else will ever know exactly what you mean like he does.

- Watching him closely when he begins to act sort of strange. You notice that something isn’t right but you don’t know if it’s your place to ask or if you even should.

- He may or may not confide in you when Frank shows up; it depends on how long you’ve been together and the kind of person you are.

- While he may not talk about it, he’ll want to spend as much time with you as he can for some seemingly inexplicable reason.

- If Donnie can help it, he’ll never tell you or make it obvious when he’s jealous so you may never truly know when he is. But, when he’s sitting alone at night, his mind will drift back to what may or may not have happened and he’ll feel his chest begin tighten while a million different thoughts race through his head.

- Donnie isn’t extremely protective but he does look out for you. He’ll tell people to leave you alone, guide you away from something, take something from your hands, or help you down from a large step, etc. Whenever something happens, he’s only ever really worried about whether or not you’re okay.

- You see, if Donnie wants to have an argument about something, you’re gonna have it. That being said, you don’t fight a ton but when you do, he tries to remain fairly calm until he can’t help but get heated; usually when you just won’t listen to him or try to understand or just won’t explain what you’re mad about.

- He’s miserable when you’re in that post fight funk although he may try to convince himself; and succeed, that he’s angry. He’ll mope around and probably tell his therapist about it it. You’ll have to come to him when you’re ready, at least if you gave him the silent treatment since he’ll stop trying to approach you after a while and just assume you hate him now.

- That being said, there will be instances where he’ll just not leave you alone until you talk to him, kind of like a psycho ex would. I’m sorry but Donnie is still Donnie and not completely mentally well.

- There’s not too many I love you’s in your relationship but when there is one, it’s emotion filled and meaningful. He really wants you to know and understand how much he cares about you; especially if he’s saying it after somethings happened to him.

- Well your actually future together is sort of doomed from the start but the future he wanted was one where the two of you were together and neither of you were alone.

[ibuki-loves-you]

Proposal (Nagito Komaeda x Reader)

Warnings: Domestic stuff

Mod Ibuki: Hey! Sorry I haven't been posting much dhsjdbdkd hoping to have more posts out soon!

You slowly walked towards your home of which you shared with your boyfriend, Nagito. Today was your two year anniversary. You had spent the morning together, but after he practically kicked you out to go hang out with Ibuki so he could work on something for you. You weren’t mad, since he obviously had a reason. He had told you to dress formally for the occasion, so you got ready at Ibuki’s.

You knocked on the door of the place with a small smile adoring your features. You wanted to make sure it was alright to enter, as you didn’t want to spoil the surprise he claimed to be working on. About three seconds after you knocked, Nagito opened the door. He smiled down at you and aw’ed.

“You look wonderful, my hope.” Nagito complimented. A soft blush dusted your cheeks.

“And you look very handsome, my love.” You replied, looking at his black slacks and simple white button up. You reached up to fiddle with his black tie. Nagito began blushing, from both the compliment and you playing with his clothes. He let out a small giggle and mumbled a ‘thank you.’ Nagito shook his head as he realized you two were still outside.

“Oh, uh, come in! I shouldn’t keep you waiting outside your own home.” Nagito stuttered, moving out of the way to let you through the door. You giggled and walked into the house. Once Nagito closed the door, he wrapped his arms around you from behind. He leaned forward and placed a soft kiss on your cheek.

“Happy anniversary, love.” Nagito whispered. You turned your head to face him as best you could. You gave him a small kiss and smiled.

“Happy anniversary, angel boy.” Nagito blushed at the pet name. He nuzzled his nose into the crook of your neck. You reached behind you to run your fingers through his hair.

“I have something special planned. I really hope you like it. Keep in mind I wouldn’t be upset if you didn’t. It’s completely understandable as it’s coming from someone like me.” You frowned at his self depreciation. You turned around and wrapped your arms around his waist.

“Don’t say that, Nagi. Whatever you have planned, I’m positive I’ll love it.” You assured. Nagito smiled gratefully.

“You are so kind.” Nagito praised. “I told you to dress somewhat formal because I thought we could have a make-shift dinner date.” He said nervously. He scanned your face for any sign of unwillingness. All he received was an excited smile from you.

“I love it! That’s a cute idea, Nagi.” You said happily. Nagito let out a small sigh of relief.

“I’m glad. Dinner isn’t finished yet, but it should be shortly. The table is already set, so we don’t have to worry about that. Do you want to maybe just...talk for a bit? If you don’t mind, of course!” Nagito offered. You giggled and took his hand, leading him to the couch to sit down for a bit.

“That sounds awesome.”

Around 10 minutes pass of mindless small talk before the oven goes off. Conversations such as how yours and his day had gone before the present moment. Nagito got up to go take dinner out, insisting you stay until he is finished with the final preparations.

“What is he planning?” You thought to yourself as you peeked into the kitchen from your spot on the couch. You smiled softly as you saw your lover humming to himself while he made sure whatever dish he made was cooked well enough. Cooking had become somewhat therapeutic for Nagito, which was an amazing thing for you to hear. Anything that made him happy, you loved to hear about.

You were brought out of your thoughts when Nagito moved to stand in front of you, offering his hand for you to take. You put your hand in his and he guided you up and to the dining room.

The table had been set with a white table cloth, a few candles, fancy plates and silverware and your favorite food in the center. As soon as you saw it, you turned towards Nagito and wrapped your arms around his neck. His arms instinctively went to your waist.

“You’re amazing, y’know that right?” You hummed. Nagito chuckled at your compliment.

“I assume you like it?” Nagito asked. You giggled and nodded. You moved your arms down and cradled his neck in your hands, leaning forwards to give him a loving kiss. Nagito returned it wholeheartedly, tightening his grip on your waist ever-so-slightly. You broke the kiss and smiled. Nagito removed one of his arms from your waist and led you to the table, sitting down with you and serving the both of you portions of the food he had made.

When you tried it you instantly gave Nagito a smile. One, it was your favorite dish. Two, it tasted heavenly.

“I hope you’ll be making this for me more often.” You joked. Nagito laughed and nodded quickly.

“I would love to cook for you again. You have no idea how happy it makes me that you actually like something I made!” Nagito grinned. You ignored his little bit of self depreciation and reached for his hand. Nagito entangled your fingers together, them never moving as the two of you finished your meals.

Nagito looked at his empty plate and thought. He loved you, more than anything in the world. He wanted nothing more than to keep you in his life forever. Nagito shakily sighed, turning towards you and squeezing your hand to get your attention.

“Y/N, I love you. I know I’ve said it before but I can never express enough how much I truly care for you. You do so much for me and I’m forever grateful for that, I am forever grateful for you.” Nagito paused and looked at you. He noticed you were tearing up a bit. Nagito reached his free hand forward and wiped a tear that was about to cascade down your cheek. “You are my hope. No ifs, ands, or buts.” He leaned forward and gave your nose a little kiss. “You have stuck with me through thick and thin, and all I can say is thank you. Thank you for everything, my love.” Nagito nervously stood up from his chair and got down on one knee in front of you. He reached into his pocket and pulled out a small velvet box. Nagito opened it to reveal a beautiful ring.

“Nagito…” You whispered, a few more tears slipping down your cheeks. Nagito smiled and looked up at you.

“I want to spend the rest of my life with you, Y/N.” He started. Your eyes widened slightly. Nagito took a deep breath. “Will you marry me?” Without a second thought you practically tackled him, burying your face into his neck while mumbling ‘yes,’ over and over again. Nagito wrapped his arms around you tightly, careful not to drop the ring. After a few moments, Nagito took your arm from around his neck and slipped the ring onto your finger. You stared at it with a smile.

“I love you so much.” You said softly. Nagito smiled and tilted your head towards him for a kiss.

“I love you more, angel. Thank you so much.”

[teacup-crow]

Maybe, Maybe, Maybe

Fun bit of survivors’ guilt for @badthingshappenbingo, based pretty heavily off Don’t Poke the Bear and Variations on a Theme. Post-finale.

They take it in turns to keep watch for when he wakes up: Doug, Reneé, Isabel, first names still such a novelty. Just his luck, he opens his eyes to the impassive face of Captain Lovelace.

“Hi, dickbag. Sore head?”

“Unnnnhh…” he whines as if he’s lying under a ton of rocks rather than a cosy quilt on Renee’s living room floor. His face is a patchwork of bruising. “Aspirin?”

She takes pity, and passes him two and a glass of water. The sitting up takes longer than he thought it would.

“You look terrible. Lucky for you, Renee makes a mean chilli con carne. Never would have guessed she could cook.”

“No thanks, I should, should be going-”

“You need food in your system, that’s non-negotiable. First thing’s first, though, you’re having a shower, and you either go willingly or get dragged bodily, because you goddamn stink. Do I make myself clear?”

“Yes, sir,” he mumbles automatically, and he remembers the Colonel - Warren? Was it on a day he could call him Warren? - once saying something similar and his head pounds. ((“mr jacobi, of all the irresponsible, stupid shit i have seen from you this really takes the-“))

“Bathroom’s on the second floor, just past the master bedroom. Dominick put a pile of clean clothes in there before he left for work. And it’s Isabel, okay? Not sir. Not Captain. Never again.”

***

“Who did this to you?”

He grips his mug of sweet tea like it’s thousand dollar whiskey. He’s still ashen. “I did this to me.”

“You beat the shit out of yourself? Okay, yeah. Don’t buy that one.” Isabel repeats the question. “Who did this to you?”

“Just some guys I pissed off. I don’t know how many. I don’t know who. Happy now?”

The room goes silent. Isabel continues:

“And did you go provoking them deliberately?”

Not for the first time, Renee wonders whether they should have included Doug in this little intervention. He’s been through so much just like the rest of them, but he doesn’t know it, and he’s clearly freaking out at the situation.

“Why would he want something like that to happen? He looks terrible!”

“I don’t know, Doug,” Isabel says levelly. “Care to answer, Jacobi?”

He’s not on a first name basis, apparently.

“Not… I didn’t... no. No, no, no. I was too drunk and… picking fights, but suddenly there were too many of them, okay? But I got out. And if I want to drink then that’s my own problem, so thank you for the hospitality but-“

Renee cuts in there. “When you drink yourself into a stupor, get attacked by a gang in a back alley, and stumble into my doorway at 0300 hours after six months of radio silence, it becomes our problem.” Her look of pity makes his stomach churn even more than the chilli did. He breathes in, hold, out; in, hold, out; in-((alana’s breathing technique and why why why is she everywhere in everything why does he have to see her out of the corner of his eye when it’s been so long he can’t properly remember her face-))

“Fine. What do you want from me?”

“You are a good man and you saved every single one of our lives and we need to understand why you’re so intent on throwing yours away.”

Jacobi starts laughing then, guttural laughs that worsen the ache in his head and bones but he can’t seem to stop them. “...me? I’m a good man? Oh my God, Lieutenant, that’s hilarious. Give us another.”

“You need to take this seriously! This is a form of self harm! You could have died!” Isabel is pacing up and down. She and Renee do good cop, bad cop like it’s a professional sport.

“Boo fucking hoo. And the world would forever be worse off for my passing.”

Isabel stops, and turns back towards him with some heat in her gaze. “I have lost too many crew members who deserved to die far less than you do. Okay? Is that what you want to hear? Do you need me to reconfirm that you are a an asshole? Do you need to hear about how Fisher, and Hui, and Fourier, and Lambert were all far better people than you will ever, ever be? Or will you accept that you are good in there? That deep down you’re on the right-“

“We burned their letters.” He’s staring at the duvet he’s wrapped in, running his finger over the flowers on the pattern. “Okay? Still think I’m a good person?”

“...wait. What?” She laughs a little, in shock perhaps. “But you told me…”

“I told you what I needed to tell you to make you trust me. We burned your crew’s letters. Lambert’s… I remember those especially. His hands were shaking really hard when he wrote them, weren’t they.”

It’s not a question.

Isabel stops pacing, and Jacobi grins again but it doesn’t reach his bruised eyes when he looks up at her. “More than mine, even. You could tell he was sick. They didn’t make any sense. We laughed at them. The irony of a Communications Officer who can’t communicate. Are you listening to me? We read their letters and we burned them and we laughed about it-“

Renee loses her softness. “Jacobi, that is enough!”

Isabel has a hand on her chest as if something has hit her there. She counts to ten in her head, ((fisher’s technique to try and stop her fighting with sam, never worked but still stuck in her head, or this copy of her head, or whoever she is now-)) and leaves the room.

They hear her slamming drawers in the kitchen.

Doug glances at Jacobi and shakes his head, before hurrying after her.

“How could you,” Reneé says. “How could you.”

“I don’t know. Will you let me go and ruin my own life now?”

“Never,” she replies. “Because, God help me, you’re still a member of my crew.”

At that, his eyes prick with tears he can’t explain. He rolls over on the air bed, and closes them.

***

“Lovelace?” Jacobi finally makes himself walk into the kitchen, grimacing like each step is on hot sand. The words are monotone. “I’m so sorry. What I did and said is... inexcusable.”

“Nope. That’s too large a word for your vocabulary. Come back to me with an apology Renée didn’t script,” Isabel snaps, going back to scribbling in a sketchbook.

“Look, I’m not much good at this-“

“You’re telling me.”

“I’m… really used to people yelling at me and hitting me until they feel better. Or you can shoot me if you like!”

“Jesus. Well, I am not about to do that to ease your guilt. You look like you’d snap if one more person poked you. So apologise properly.”

“I’m sorry…”

“For?” Isabel prompts over the top of her book.

“I’m sorry for burning your crew’s letters.”

“You did what you were ordered to do. It is what it is. I’m not condoning it.”

There’s a moment of silence, and Jacobi realises she’s waiting for him to continue. “And… I’m sorry for bringing it up. That was… needlessly cruel. It sucked.”

“It really did,” she replies, putting the book down. “Tell you what: that sounded somewhat genuine, and Goddard brought out the shit in all of us. You look so pathetic, I’m going to forgive you. Not because you deserve it, but because I don’t bear grudges. Not anymore.”

She holds out a hand, and he shakes it. “Thank you.”

“Wow. That actually hurt for you to say.”

Jacobi nods. He sits down across from her at Renée’s huge darkwood table, and thinks about how she and Dominick must have bought this when they moved in together with plans to have people over for dinner every other night. Maybe even plans to have kids.

He wonders if Dominick ate at it alone while his wife was gone.

“So, you gone on that holiday yet?”

“No, actually. I’ve legally been dead for about seven years, so getting a passport is proving pretty tricky.”

“I can imagine.”

“Where have you been, anyway? We tried to get into contact with you. We drove down to your old apartment - got your address from the Goddard database - but it was cleaned out.”

Jacobi looks sheepish. “Yeah, well, I’d mostly been staying at Alana’s for the last few years or overnight at… yeah… so I’d not been a very good tenant and turns out they took ‘lost in space’ as the perfect opportunity to kick me out. So I’ve been sofa to sofa, on the streets a bit-”

“For heaven’s sake, Jacobi. We would have helped you, you stupid asshole! All you had to do was ask and you could have stayed here! Renee and Dominick would probably even let you have a cheese collection or whatever the fuck it was.”

“Guess the amount of drinks it takes for me to lose my pride is somewhere over eighteen?”

“How do you have a functioning liver?”

They sit in an almost comfortable silence for a few minutes, Isabel reopening her sketchbook.

“I never knew you drew.”

“You never knew me outside of a life-threatening situation.” Isabel sighs, twists the pencil between her fingers. “I don’t think I did. Before. The old ‘me’, I mean. But I was bored and I can’t get a job because of the ‘being dead’ issue, so I thought I should take up a hobby or something. Might be therapeutic. I’m not very good at it…”

“Can I see?”

“I, uh,” Isabel suddenly looks uncertain. “I drew her. Maxwell. I drew everyone, actually. Are you sure you want to look?”

“Yes.”

He leafs through the pages, at first simple doodles before branching into full portraits. Eiffel, upside down and smoking a cigarette. Hilbert, looking troubled at a shadow behind him he can’t quite see. Two ghostlike figures in lab coats staring out at the star, the man with a prophetic terror etched on his face - must be Isabel’s old crewmates. Mr Cutter smiles up at him with far too many sharp teeth in sharper lines where the pencil was pressed far too hard and he turns the page quickly. There’s Kepler, mid-whiskey speech and it almost stops his heart. He pauses. Maxwell.

In the picture, her eyes are shining as she stares at Hera’s console, fingers nothing more than a blur - the three-day stint she spent trying to get the AI online. Aside from the orange and blue of Wolf 359, elsewhere in the book Isabel has barely used colour, but here the room is bathed in a serene green light from the screens. Behind Maxwell, Jacobi sees himself, little more than a stocky, sketchy outline, waiting for her to finish.

He looks so proud of her.

He looks so… content.

After staring for a long moment, Jacobi closes the book and hands it back. “Thank you.”

“You can keep the pictures of them, if you like,” Isabel offers, but he doesn’t know whether he would like, so he says:

“Tell me about your crew.”

“What?”

“Your old crew. Tell me about them. Was Lambert the one staring at...?”

“No. No. No, that was Kuan Hui, our senior astrophysicist. He was whipsmart and funny and fearless, until the time Goddard Futuristics played around in his brain, stretched out his perception of time. He was completely alone in the dark for two weeks. His smile never really reached his eyes after that.”

Jacobi sips tea awkwardly, even though it’s cold.

“Something like that, it stays with you. At least he had Fourier, though.”

“That’s the woman behind him?”

“Junior physicist. Victoire Fourier had eyes like stars. Cleverest person I’ve ever met. She played six instruments, spoke four languages and she had the most gentle soul. She used to read to Hui when he got sick with Decima. Coughed up every organ in his body. I thought it would break her, but she was made of stern stuff. She vanished off the space station in the final days and I still don’t know what exactly happened to her-”

“I… do. If you want to know, I mean.”

Isabel shakes her head. Then pauses. Then shakes her head again. “I get the feeling whoever is to blame is long gone.”

Jacobi shrugs. “Who else?”

“Well, there was Mace Fisher. Fisher… Fisher died because of me, not Goddard Futuristics. Asteroid shower tore him from my hands. He had a boyfriend waiting at home. He was sensitive, sensible, grounding. A real older brother type. I- I didn’t deal particularly well with his death. Well, you know that much.”

((Pill popper!)) Jacobi gulps more cold tea.

“And Lambert?”

“Sam Lambert. Officer Samuel Lambert had a stick up his ass. He was whiny, and authoritarian, and he treasured his copy of Pryce and Carter more than Reneé and Kepler combined did. He drove me nearly insane, and I drove him likewise. The best second in command you could ask for. A damn good man. Sam got sick after Hui, so we knew what was coming. What it meant. He was brave, though. At first.”

((“C-Captain, please shoot me, please, it hurts, it hurts, Captain, please, I just want it to-”)

She falters.

“Lovelace?”

“Yup?”

“You know, it’s not even really about the Hephaestus. I keep… it’s insane, but I keep thinking about… I was an explosives guy for the Air Force. Before Goddard. A trigger failed and two men died. Andrews and Sullivan. I haven’t thought about them in years and suddenly-“

“They’re everywhere?”

There’s a sudden understanding between them.

“They’re everywhere. Them and Maxwell and Kepler. They’re in mirrors, in the back of my brain, around corners.”

“Flashes of them.”

“And if you just reach out far enough, maybe-“

“Maybe-“

“Maybe.”

((let’s go be monsters)), Jacobi’s brain echoes. He grits his teeth.

“Did it stop for you? When does it stop?” He finds himself asking. Isabel doesn’t answer.

[aikoeisbon]

Haunting

Levi x Reader

TW: Self Harm

Therapeutic drabble. May be triggering to some, but it's how I help myself.

The sweltering heat of a midsummer's day had convinced a large amount of the survey corps to remain inside, and as a result, the stables were void of all people. You, on the other hand, had been scheduled to care for the horses on this particular day. You had discarded your jacket, opting to wear your undershirt as you worked to muck out stalls and feed the horses. As hot as it was, you figured your steed would appreciate a nice, cool bath, so you slipped her halter on and lead her down the long pathway of the stable towards it's rear, where the buckets and water were. You rolled up your sleeves as you began to fill the buckets, throwing sponges in there and allowing them to soak prior to lathering your horse with a bit of blandly-scented soap.

"Oi." A voice startled you as you snapped your head up towards the source of the noise. Levi was approaching your mare, hand outstretched for her nose while his eyes flickered down towards you. You heaved, carrying two buckets of water to beside your horse before shifting to return for the third, only to find Levi carrying it over with ease.

"Thanks. What brings you here?"

"I was looking for you. Hanji said you were on stall duty." Levi replied as you poured water onto the mare's back. He grimaced as she shook her coat, flinging specks of water onto his face.

"Did you need something?" You inquired as he wiped the droplets off his face with his forearm.

"Erwin wanted to speak with you." He stated in answer, watching as you began to scrub the mare with a sponge.

"The Commander?... Must be important then. I'll be finished in a bit. And here I was thinking you missed me." You raised your gaze up to meet his grey orbs and shot his a humorous smirk as you hunched over a bucket, rinsing the sponge and returning back to washing the animal. She dropped her damp head down, pushing Levi with it as she raised it against him, using him as a scratching post.

"Tch, cut that shit out." His brows furrowed, irritated with his now somewhat wet uniform with pieces of black fur here and there. He pushed her head away from him, in which she had responded with a low nicker. Levi moved beside you, reaching for a sponge to help out. As he went to stand straight again, his eyes picked up a bit of color from your arms. He trained his gaze on your flesh as you scrubbed away, his expression becoming flat as he identified the dull red stripes. The more closely he paid attention, the more lines he discovered- though these were white. Living in the underground, he was not blind to the fact people did this to themselves. Though as hard as things were for them, he still somewhat struggled to understand why. He understood being angry with yourself- even to the point of hating yourself or your situation so much you were suicidal. But to worsen your pain by making it physical? He could not wrap his head around that. From what he saw in the underground, whatever you were feeling or going through must have been as dismal and extreme as it would be in the underground. It caused him great concern, but his unenthused face did not reflect that. He simply narrowed his eyes, and shot his hand out for your arm.

"What?" You said almost defensively, startled by his sudden movement. It hadn't clicked what he was doing until you followed his line of sight, only then realizing your scars were in plain sight. You furrowed your brow, attempting to pull your arm back to your chest only to find it was secure in Levi's grip.

"Why?" He muttered, snatching your other arm in his iron grip as well. His chest tightened when he saw the same type of marks on that arm as well.

"Let go." You commanded, your voice quiet and low. His grip was unrelenting, his stare stern and serious. "Levi, let go!!!" You raised your voice, throwing your hands down in another attempt to free yourself from his grasp. He released you just as quickly as he grabbed you again, this time by your upper arm rather than your forearms. "Stop it!" You complained angrily as he led you to sit down. He noticed you wince as he grabbed you, and could only imagine why.

"Tch." He frowned. "Don't move." He ordered as he left you at a bench a near distance away. You watched him quickly finish bathing your horse, the fury in his eyes not at all wavering. The pit in your stomach was creeping up your throat. Would he find you disgusting now? Would he think you were too much to handle? Crazy? A risk? A liability? The anxiety you felt over those thoughts did nothing but intensify the longer this dragged on, until finally Levi walked past with your horse in tow. "Come on." He commanded, his voice still cold. You knew him better than anyone, you've seen what love looked like in his eyes, as well as malice, but this expression in his steel blue hues... You couldn't identify it. Maybe that is what scared you the most: The fear of the unknown. Perhaps Levi shared this fear too, which is why he felt this tense uneasiness. How long had you been doing this? How could he have missed this? Was there more you were doing he did not know about? Why wouldn't you come to him? Was it something... he did to cause this? As Levi locked the horse in the stall in front of him, you felt as though you were shrinking behind his back.

"Those could get infected." Is all he said before you grabbed your jacket and followed him back to headquarters, beelining for the infirmary. Levi was relieved to see it was empty, as he had plenty of things to ask you about. "Sit." He directed, pointing at a chair.

"Please don't tell the others about this." You pleaded quietly. His eyes and their ice-cold glare finally met yours.

"I'm more concerned with why you didn't tell me." He stated flatly as you removed your jacket once more, offering your arms out to him. His eyes traced over the red lines. Most were old, having healed completely and left nothing but white lined scars. Some seemed fresher, the scars still red- almost purple- and rather thick. The ones he was most worried with, were the dark red, thick lines that seemed days old. At the very least, none were still bleeding...

"It's embarrassing. It's none of your business, anyways..." You responded meekly as Levi cleaned your arms with antiseptic. They were closed enough to where you felt very mild pain, at worst.

"If someone punched you, it'd be my business. If you went missing, it'd be my business. If you got sick? My business. What makes you think this is any different?" Levi spat, leaving you in silence. He sighed. "I can't help you if you don't tell me what's wrong. Do you know what these say to me?" He questioned earnestly, his eyes flickering up to yours. You raised your brows in subtle inquisition. "They tell me you don't trust me enough to tell me what's on your mind. That I won't or can't help you, so instead you take it out on yourself. Thing is, you won't know if I can help you or not unless you give me a shot."

"I'm sorry..." Your words shook, tears welling in your eyes.

"...Am I doing something wrong?" Levi's question earned your attention, and for the first time, you saw the man you loved with a truly broken countenance plastered on his face, his pain pooling in his eyes. You reached out to him.

"No, no, no... Levi." You quaked, pulling him against you as you came to your knees out of the chair. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry. The guilt of doing this is half the reason why I do it. I feel so pathetic, like even if I spoke out, nobody would believe me. I didn't want anyone to think less of me, like I was crazy, or did this for attention, I-"

"You are crazy, brat." Levi muttered, raising an arm to run his fingers through your hair and keep you pressed against him as he supported himself with his other arm. You could hear in his voice he said that with a smirk. You chuckled under your breath.

"Crazy about you," you laughed. "but that's besides the point. I... wanted people to continue thinking I'm strong. Not some weirdo that succumbs to her problems like... this." You backed away from him, looking downcast at your own body. "There's so many things I wish were different about me." Levi listened intently.

"Doing this doesn't mean you aren't strong. Everyone has their own ways of coping, some are healthier than others. That doesn't mean I'm going to let you keep doing this." He watched you swallow, seemingly nervous beneath his intense gaze. "I don't know what's right or wrong when it comes to coping. I never have. But there's no way I'll stand by and watch the woman I love tear herself apart." You remained quiet, hanging to each of his words. He moved closer towards your face, sure he was making eye contact. "This is our problem now. If you feel like hurting yourself, we'll go spar. If that doesn't take your mind off it, I'll show you hurt. You need to focus when training anyways." You couldn't help but grin internally at Levi's tough-love methods of helping. "But you're done doing this. I can't believe I'm only noticing now."

"Well, there's a reason why I'll only sleep with you when the lights are out."

"...Erwin needs to see you. Remember this talk." Levi muttered as he picked himself off the floor, offering a hand out to you.

"Wouldn't forget it if I tried."

[ayamari-no-goshi]

Verboten 15 | (T)

ff.net | AO3

Fandom: Danny Phantom (DP)

Summary: AU. When Danny was five years old, he went missing for 2 weeks. In the years that follow, his family tried to make sense of what happened, only for the truth to be discovered years later.

Warnings: rated T for violence, mentions of death, language. Be prepared for some very weird things

Parings: Danny/Sam

Notes: originally uploaded to Ff.net. Cross-posted to AO3 and tumblr. This fic is very heavily inspired by folklore surrounding mysterious wilderness disappearances

Chapter 15

It took almost twenty minutes for Danny’s mom to finish her tirade against the police. Watching her flip out on the officers was almost therapeutic, and by the time she was done, he was more amused then terrified. It made the actual interview much easier.

The police were initially skeptical, especially since his dad took the lead on explaining what happened. His childish excitement at getting to chase something made it sound like some made up fantasy, but that changed when Vlad gave his account. With his reputation, they were forced to take it seriously.

The older of the two officers, O’Brian, took the statements as his partner, Kiziah, reviewed the scene for any clues or evidence of how the creature got in the house. Other police offers were on the way to do a proper investigation.

“You’re the one that reported that murder… That was just, I guess it’s two days ago now,” O’Brian mentioned as he glanced at Danny, who nodded. “We chalked up the weirdness of your original statement due to shock, but if you’re telling me this thing is the same perp, I have no idea what we have on our hands.”

“I… I don’t really know if it was the same thing or not, but it looked like it.”

The officer frowned as his partner returned. “No obvious sign of a break in,” Kiziah stated, “but I don’t want to touch anything without an evidence kit. There’s definitely a weird substance in the living room and near the front door that will need analyzed.”

“You didn’t hear anything?” O’Brian looked back towards Danny and his parents.

“To be honest, our family tends to be heavy sleepers,” his mother explained as she gave him a sheepish grin. “Jack can sleep through almost anything, and I tend to wear earplugs.”

“And I am of the opposite,” Vlad stated as he made himself a cup of tea. “However, it wasn’t until I heard Daniel sprint up the stairs and bang on his parents’ door that I awoke.”

“Sorry about that.” Danny winced at he glanced at the man. Vlad didn’t seem as creepy as he had the previous day, but something still seemed off about him.

The man gave him a dismissive wave. “No worries, my dear boy. I believe your actions were more than understandable given the circumstances.”

“Err… I guess you want me to say if I heard anything?” Danny shook his head as the officers stared at him. “I didn’t. It… it was just a feeling, you know? Like when you get a sudden chill.” That statement was true enough. He figured it probably wouldn’t be a good idea to state the more paranormal aspect of it. “I thought I was just being paranoid until I looked down the stairs and that… that thing stared back at me.”

An awkward silence fell as O’Brian took some more notes. It was only broken when Kiziah received some sort of notification and moved to let the investigation team in. They quickly went to work examining the scene and looking for anything out of the ordinary. While they worked, an older man with a scar down the right side of his face took O’Brian and Kiziah aside and spoke with them. Once they finished, the older officer approached Danny and his family.

“I’m Lieutenant Metzger, and I’ve recently been put in charge of the investigation of the recent murders in the city. You’ve probably heard the rumors this is a serial case. Well, that’s true.” A muscle moved in the man’s cheek as he seemed to debate with himself over how much he could tell them. “Due to some of the details, we were under the impression these were ritualistic in nature and called in the FBI for some help.” He sighed before asking, “Is it okay if I sit?”

“Sure,” Danny’s mother shared a confused look with her husband before she asked the officer if he needed some coffee.

When he agreed, he waited until there was a cup in front of him to continue. “Look, I don’t want this being leaked. We don’t need people thinking the police force is wasting money on chasing fairy tales.” Once the Fenton family agreed, he continued, “You aren’t the first one to report something not quite human around the time of the incidences. Due to shock and figuring it was some sort of disguise, we originally disregarded that. However,” he glanced around before he leaned in, “one of my own officers gave a report earlier this week of glancing something inhuman. It actually attacked his patrol car before it vanished. On top of that, I don’t think whatever that thing spilled on your carpet has any sort of mundane explanation behind it.” He sighed and rubbed his eyes, “Mr. and Mrs. Fenton, I’m going to be frank with you. I would like to contract you for some sort of weapon for this thing. From previous experiences, I’m fully aware your… experiments don’t tend to do harm to people, so if… by the off chance, this isn’t something normal, we’ll have a way to stop it.”

Danny’s father immediately lit up in excitement. After rambling some idea, he ran down to the lab to act upon it before anyone could stop him.

“Don’t mind him,” his mother fondly chuckled. “Jack is very enthusiastic about our work.”

“I… uh… take that you’re willing to help us?”

“Oh, absolutely. If this thing is what we think it might possibly be, we were going to do that anyways. But I do need to ask you something. You mentioned you thought the attacks were ritual in nature. I’m not really sure how to ask this, but for those poor people, was there a part of the body missing?”

Metzger’s shoulders tensed at her question as his eyes narrowed. “How did you know about that?”

“Wait… wait, you’re telling me… that thing… what it was holding in its hand…” Danny couldn’t say it. The memory of the blood dripping from that thing’s hand temporarily overwhelmed him. He must have swayed as his mother gently put a hand on his shoulder.

“You don’t have to stay if you don’t want to. If you decide to go help your father, I think he’d gladly welcome the help.”

Danny shook his head at the suggestion. He needed to stay put. It just felt safer with her and the officers around. She must have somehow understood as she gave his shoulder a motherly squeeze.

“You didn’t answer my question.” An irritated edge crept into Metzger’s voice.

His mother calmly turned back to him and returned his gaze. “I didn’t until just now. After Danny relayed his story, it struck a chord with me, and I did some digging. There is folklore in different parts of the US which tells of creatures who steal the life of humans and often a part of the body. If… if that’s what’s happening, then we’re in trouble.”

“What do you think this thing is doing?”

“Nothing good. Throughout history, humankind has offered up blood and other bodily sacrifices to gods, spirits, monsters, and everything in between. While usually the Aztecs come to mind, you can find evidence of this around the world. It’s believed those sacrifices would either strengthen or appease whichever entity was the focus.”

“Maddie, are you suggesting this thing is doing something similar?”

She nodded. “I… We aren’t sure if this thing is trying to strengthen itself or if it’s taking its gains to something else.”

A different memory surfaced in Danny’s mind. “That… when we were being rescued… the… the person that helped us get back… he said the A-listers got targeted for their blood,” he stammered before he could stop himself.

Everyone in the room stared at him. He and his friends really hadn’t talked about Frostbite. They mentioned to the police they thought someone helped them, but purposely left it vague. With how disoriented they were when they were found, the police were under the impression the trauma obscured some of their memories. Well, the cat was out of the bag.

Matzger stared at him. “Are you telling me what happened to your classmates may be related to… to this thing?”

“I don’t know. Maybe? Like I told my mom before you came, the person who grabbed me and my friends isn’t the same… whatever that thing is. But, I don’t know what Dash and them encountered after we got separated.”

“Hmm… what about the person who helped you?”

Danny shook his head. “Not the same person. He called himself Frostbite, and…” How could he even explain Frostbite? He was a ghostly yeti with an ice arm for God’s sake! “I didn’t think he was real,” he eventually stated as he glanced down at his hands. “He was so friendly and helpful. He was so much different than that thing.”

“Honey, you never really talked about this Frostbite person before.” His mother tried to reach out for his hand, but he pulled away.

“I… I thought he was a dream or hallucination or something for a while.” He hoped he sounded sincere. It was somewhat true after all. The fantastical nature of what happen still didn’t seem real to him, but he knew better. “I think he had helpers… there were other voices besides his.”

“That would line up with some of the evidence we have from your case,” Matzger stated as he rubbed his chin. “The injuries of you and your two friends were vastly different than the others who went missing which suggested multiple perpetrators. One of the other boys did mention that he thought they were rescued by a small group of people. I will have to take a closer look at the injuries of your classmates to determine whether or not they match up with our current victims. That should give us an idea if it’s the same thing or something different.”

“Sir,” officer Kiziah interrupted, “we’ve finished our initial sweep. We did have some trouble trying to keep Mr. Fenton out of the way in the basement area, but he’s promised to stay at the one table while we work. He’s apparently drafting some blueprints. Forensics is here and are working on collecting evidence. They’re hoping to talk to you.”

He sighed. “Thank you, Kiziah. Can you explain to them their options during our investigation progress?” After flashing them an apologetic smile which seemed out of place with his features, he told them he would be in touch and excused himself.

After shaking his head at his superior, Kiziah stated while the family could stay in the house during the investigation process, it had the possibility of accidentally contaminating evidence. He recommended for them to stay at a local hotel for a time.

Although his mother seemed hesitant to leave the house, she eventually agreed to head to a hotel after Vlad made a show of being concerned for the family’s safety. It took a bit of time to get his dad to leave the basement, but by the time seven am hit, Danny found himself in the best hotel in Amity Park, per Vlad’s firm recommendations.

After sending his friends a few texts to let them know what happened, that he was fine, and where he was, he told them he’d call them after he got some sleep. Although he wasn’t exactly happy he shared the room with Vlad, the pristine bed ended up being far more important to him than any worries.

…..

Several hours later, Danny woke up to one hundred and three texts, fifty-four missed calls, and eleven voicemails. Sam and Tucker had only one voicemail and call apiece and only a handful of texts. The rest were from his sister. Groaning, he sent Sam and Tucker messages to let them know he’d call them after he contacted his sister.

He really didn’t want to talk to Jazz at the moment. When she was scared, she became spastic, and a spastic Jazz was the last thing he wanted to deal with at the moment. Okay, the third to last think he wanted to deal with. The creepy thing and Plasmius took the top two places.

After taking several minutes to do everything other than call his sister, he finally buckled down and called her. As predicted, she spastically demanded to know if he was okay while berating him for not contacting her sooner. He just let her talk while making the occasional ‘uh huh’, ‘sorry,’ and ‘yeah.’ From experience, he knew it was better to let her get it out of her system.

He put Jazz on speaker while he attempted to find the hotel’s TV remote. Vlad didn’t seem to be in the room which really didn’t bother him. The man didn’t need to listen to Jazz flipping out after all. Eventually, he found the remote next to a message from Vlad stating he and his parents went to discuss something with the police and would be back with food.

“Danny, are you even listening to me?” Jazz demanded. He must have been quiet for too long.

“Uh? Yeah, I just happened to find a note Vlad left. You were saying something about how it was irresponsible for Dad to go running after the thing?”

“Wait, are you telling me you were left alone after everything that happened?”

“Jazz, I’m seventeen. I think I’m perfectly fine being alone for a few hours.”

“You were kidnapped by a crazy man and then were attacked in your own home! Do you really think it’s safe for you to be alone right now?” With that, she flew into a different tirade.

Knowing it would be a while, he decided the TV would be a preferable alternative to his upset sister. He turned it on only to have it immediately turn off. Thinking he accidentally doubled clicked the button, he tried again only to have the same result. Thinking the remote was damaged, he moved to try the button on the machine. Only, it turned on by itself. It and the lights began to dim and flicker, and his breath began to mist.

Glancing around, he watched as a girl emerged from the wall. At first, it seemed she didn’t notice him as she moved towards the opposite wall, but she stopped midway and faced him. She looked human but her entire body seemed insubstantial and almost wispy. Her skin, if it could be called that, was an unearthly white while her blue hair flickered like a flame.

She smirked at him while moving a little closer. “You shouldn’t be here, Baby Pop.” Her sultry and musical voice seemed far away, almost as if it was being broadcasted over an old radio. “Don’t know what you’re doing on this side of the veil, but you shouldn’t stay here.”

“What… what are you talking about? Who are you?” he stammered while vaguely registering Jazz asking him what was wrong.

“I like to slip to this side for some fun, but I might stick around a little longer this time. It’s already chaotic here, and a little more might do me some good. Besides, it seems I need to make a few people remember I still exist.” After appraising him, she gave another smile and headed back towards the wall. “You might want to get out while you can, Baby Pop. Things might get a little hot, and you new guys often aren’t strong enough to deal with the heat.”

“Hey, wait!” He tried to get her to stop, but she just vanished back into the wall. Unsure what to do, he stood in the center of the room dumbfounded until he realized his phone was still on speaker and his sister was calling for him.

“Hey, Jazz, I’m going to have to call you back,” he stated as he moved towards the door. “Something really weird just happened.” He hung up on her as he ran into the hallway looking for some evidence of the ghost.

He barely made it to the elevators when the fire alarm sounded. Not wanting to stick around, he quickly found the stairs and made his way to the lobby as the rest of the guests started to follow suit. By the time he reached the third floor, he began to smell smoke. There had to be a fire. Is that what that ghost meant? Did she somehow set it?

He really hoped that wasn’t the case. He really only needed on potentially supernatural thing causing problems in his life at a time.

[random-mha-thoughts]

Night Drives (Shinsou x Reader)

Pairing: Shinsou x Reader 

Genre: Fluff/Comfort, College!AU

Summary: You’re having a rough and stressful week, and Shinsou helps by taking you out for a late night trip.

Word count: 1,814

Tags:  @yuki-osaki​ @liviitehe​ @iamsoftsodonttoucheume-blog​ @bunnythepipsqueak​

a/n: I know I promised angst, but I really wanted to write this little comfort/fluff piece for anyone who might be facing a mid-semester funk/depression like me.  I was inspired because I went out to pick my cousin up from the airport late last night and I never realized how therapeutic night driving can be.

I also wasn’t really sure which character I wanted to write for this (bc they would all fit one way or another), but I chose Shinsou bc I haven’t written for him in a hot minute and he deserves some more love.

I hope you guys enjoy it, and I hope it helped some of you and maybe helped cheer you up 😊

I sit at my desk, hands carding through my messy hair.  Pouring over my notes is the most stressful thing I could be doing this weekend, I'd rather be sleeping or doing something more relaxing.  Weekends before exams are always the hardest because it's when I get my biggest chunk of studying done, so I'm usually holed up in my room the entire day.

It's also times like this when the dark thoughts roll in.  I've always been a smart kid, but being in college really makes me question it.  Getting low B's and high C's on exams in my major classes don't mean the end of the world, but I rethink who I think I am because of it.  I still get A's in my other bullshit classes, so why am I struggling in the classes that are supposed to teach me the skills I need for my future career?  Should I rethink my future?  Do I even want to go into my chosen field anymore?  Am I making a huge mistake being here?  I'm wasting my entire scholarship money if I decide to start over from scratch.  My fingers close in on my scalp.

"Kitty?"

The warmth in his voice jolts my head up.  "Oh, hey."  I straighten my back, not even realizing how hunched over my back was.

Shinsou's eyebrows are furrowed at me.  "Are you okay?"  His large thumb brushes over the wetness clinging at the corners of my eyes.  "You're crying."

I tug at the sleeves of my hoodie.  "Yeah, I'm fine."

He studies my face carefully, his own dark circles standing out against his pale skin.  He knows how I get when I'm in this mode, staying respectful of my study habits.  Since I don't come out of my room, he'll let himself in and stay in my bed, reading, sleeping, doing his own studying, or watching something on his laptop until I'm finished.  Just a few moments ago when I peaked over my shoulder to see what he was doing, he'd fallen asleep with his headphones on, lightly snoring.  He doesn't bother me.  It's something I appreciate about him.

Shinsou crosses his arms over his chest.  "When was the last time you ate?"

My stomach admittedly feels empty.  I've only been snacking when I felt hungry.  Looking at the clock, it's almost midnight.  "Since breakfast," I answer feebly.

A sigh escapes his lips.  "Are you finished now?  You've been like this all day."

I cast a dreadful look over the pages of notes.  There's still a few chapters I need to look over, but my brain feels that it might explode if I try to cram anymore information in.  The worst part is I don't even feel like I've retained anything I've read in the past few hours.  I start closing my books.  "Yeah, I'm done."  And utterly defeated.

Shinsou gently takes my hand in his, calling my attention to him.  "Come on, go wash your face and change.  We're gonna go eat."

He leaves me to go to his room and fetch his wallet.  Trudging into the bathroom and following his instructions, I wash my face to wake myself up, change into some jeans, and pull on a hoodie that's more presentable for going out into the world.

Shinsou returns, changed into a pair of jeans, hoodie, and denim jacket, and we head out of our dorm building.  The air isn't as cold as I thought, but it was just as deserted.  The scattered lamp posts across the pavement are the only illuminations in the parking lot.  I walk with my hands in my pockets and my hood up.

How the hell am I gonna learn everything by Tuesday? I despair.  I hate how I always end up thinking about work even when I don't want to.

Shinsou closes the distance between us and snakes his arm around my torso.  "Have you ever considered getting a hoodie with cat ears on them?" he asked casually.

I'm thrown off by his random question, but I have to laugh.  "Uh, no?  Why would I wear it?"

"So I can pull at the ears, duh."

"You and your cat addiction needs to chill."  I want to shove him away, but his warmth feels great to touch.  "Where are we going?"

"Noodles?" he offers.  "It's been getting pretty cold."

"Is it wrong that I want something...filling right now.  And no, get your mind out of the gutter!" I shove Shinsou before he can say anything.

"I wasn't even thinking it, who actually has the dirty mind, hm?"  He pokes the side of my head.

After I'm done pouting at him, I suggest, "Do you think there's a tempura place open around here?  Actually, I just really want fries and something else."

"Anything else, your royal highness?" he smirks and unlocks his car.

"Mmm," I hum as I settle into his passenger seat.  "A pet dragon would be nice too.  Or full payment on my college education."

Shinsou chuckles at my sarcasm.  "Anything for you, kitty."  Holding my hand, he kisses my palm before starting the engine.

As he drives down the abandoned road, I lean my head against the window, staring out the windshield.  The sky's already black, but there's too much light and the car's moving too fast to count the stars.  Something about the emptiness of everything at night calms me down.  It almost feels like Shinsou and I are the only 2 people in the world at this hour.  Even the parking lot of the fast food joint down the block is deserted.

"I'll get it to go so we can eat in here, what do you want?" my purple haired prince asks me sweetly, unbuckling his seatbelt.

"10 piece nuggets and medium fries.  And a diet soda, I'm watching my calories."  I whisper the last part.

"Coming right up."

.

"Are you sure it's okay to eat in your car?" I ask, tentatively opening the paper bag of food goodness.  I didn't realize how hungry I was until the smell of high calorie fast food wafts in front of my nose.

Shinsou's eyes are on the road as he drives down the roadway.  "Yeah I don't care, it's not like my car's new or anything."

I dip into the bag and grab my box of nuggets.  A smile graces my face when I notice he remembered the sweet and sour sauce.  "Why are you so good to me?"

"Because you're my kitty and I love you," he answers without missing a beat, his large hand messing up my hair.

A familiar fuzzy warmth fills me as I lean into his touch.  Digging into my nuggets, I end up completely demolishing them, the hole in my stomach finally filling  at the process meat.  I don't care how old I get, I will always have chicken nuggets at fast food restaurants.  Every once in a while, Shinsou would ask for one of my fries, and  I'd happily feed him.

I have no idea where we're going; for some reason, we're on the highway.  I just quietly finish my meal and sip my drink.

Shinou's eyes glint with mischief.  "Since we're alone on the highway..."

My eyes widen.  "Babe, no-!"

The engine revs to life under my boyfriend's lead foot and the car jolts forward.  I clutch my fries and almost choke on my soda as we speed down the highway.  The biggest grin spreads across his face.

"Hitoshi, I'm not ready to die!"

He takes his foot off the gas and the car relaxes, as does my heart.  But he knows how much I secretly love it when he does that.  "At least wait until I'm not about to choke before you do that!"

Laughing at me, he passes me his phone. "Play whatever you want, kitty."

Oh, it's over now.

I select a playlist of hype songs we both love, belting out the lyrics from the top of our lungs as Shinsou speeds down the highway. A mess of screams, laughter, loud music, and singing fill the entire space as we zip past all the lights on the highway.  It reminds of what it might feel like rocketing through space. The pit of my stomach feels weightless from the excitement and the speeding car.

Are we crazy?  Maybe.  Did I savor every second of it?  Absolutely.

Shinsou finally slows down and exits down a beach.  Pulling into an empty space, he parks the car and gets out, waving for me to follow him.  We end up sitting on the hood of his car, eating our food under a blanket he keeps in his car.  A nearby streetlight dimly illuminates our dark space.

I snuggle Shinsou's left arm and look out into the dark expanse.  I can finally count the stars, between stealing bites from Shinsou's burger.  Clutching my end of the blanket over me, I lay my head on his shoulder.  "It's so strange sitting on the hood of a car."

"Guess you've never done it before," he replies quietly, balling up his empty wrapper and placing it back in the bag.  Both arms wrap around me, resting his head on top of mine.  "I used to come here when I wanted to clear my mind.  There's just a whole lot of nothing and silence."

I can't agree more.  The darkness - the absence of light - makes everything seem quiet and empty.  Something about it feels liberating, letting all my emotions flow out in front of me freely and let me just be.  A breathe in and let it rattle out of me.  The endless void surrounds us, isolates us, encloses us so our thoughts can't bother us.

Shinsou brings me closer, letting me sit halfway on his lap, placing a gentle kiss on my temple.  "Are you feeling better, kitty?  I know you're pretty stressed, more so than your usual anxious self.  I figured bringing you out here would help somewhat."

My heart swells with warmth.  I hug him tighter and close my eyes, leaning my head to his chest.  "Thank you, Hitoshi.  You've done a lot for me, I really appreciate it.  You really went out of your way  for me."

"Nothing's out of my way for you."  His large hand rubs my scalp.  "You work so hard, you deserve this."

I snuggle deeper into his chest, my eyes slowly closing as the rhythm  of his heartbeat calms me.  "What did I do to deserve you?" I mumble.

"Well, maybe you saved an entire country," he jokes, pressing another kiss into the top of my head and running his fingers lightly on the back of my head, "But I think you just being perfect deserves all the happiness I can give you."

"You're too sweet."  I drift off to a light sleep in his arms, surrounded by his warmth, choosing to think about life some other time.

[eliicries]

This is my first time ever writing a proper fanfic and also my first time posting it online. Criticisms are very much welcome. This is my alternative ending to the cartoon series "Clone High" (you guys should check it out, it's pretty great!) I love this pairing so much but I hated how they ended up sleeping together because I've always believed in character development and the ending felt like it wasted a good opportunity to do so.

_________________________________________

Enchanted (a joanfk fanfic)

How did it come to this?

Two bodies pressed against each other, one of which is hovering above it's counterpart, hot and eager to make contact. Then the other, whom lies beneath them writhing in discomfort yet somewhat obvious pleasure.

Never in Joan's life had she imagined herself being the latter in such an obscene situation.

Well atleast not with somebody else other than her bestfriend and absolutely not, emphasis on the word "not", with the certain campus playboy she used to avoid like a plague.

Heck, if someone told her last night that she would end up sleeping with JFK, she would've laughed her ass off for solid 10 minutes! Then proceed to sock their teeth off for even suggesting such an absurd idea.

But as she felt his breath fan against her bare neck, she felt her own hitch.

His lips met with her flushed skin and in their wake, left along little trails of pleasure of which accumulated into an emotion something else entirely.

Guilt.

It seeped into her flesh and gnawed upon her being.

Yet the feeling of betrayal against one's morals only increased tenfold when she made no protest to stop the male from completely lifting her shirt off.

Oh God, She actually moaned.

The himbo was not to be blamed of course. His previous advances had always been outright rejected, so as ecstatic as he was, her sudden change of heart confused him. An even bigger surprise to the both of them was when it was her who initiated the idea.

It's not like her to act like this. Was she really that frustrated beyond rational thoughts?

To make things even worse, it wasn't only the disappointment she has towards herself that's weighing on her mind but also of another person very much important to her.

Abe.

They've known each other since like forever.

Now, what would be a better way to ruin a good natured friendship other than one of them developing feelings for the other?

Just to her luck, she had to be the one who does the falling, whilst her companion seemed less than eager to catch her.

As if it's the universe's way to spite her, Abe suddenly decided to date someone else.

And of course, it just had to be none other than Cleo-fhking-patra.

Seeing them together at the school campus in a daily basis was already bad enough, now living under the same roof as her and all---she also had to suffer listening through the sloppy noises they make whenever they're eating their faces off.

She swears to god everytime cleo glances at her with that look of victor in her eyes, her blood boils so much. Oh, if only she was given an opportunity to poke them out with a fork.

Then, in a final attempt to win him over, Joan had to walk around wearing those god-forbid clothes and laugh in that shrill god-awful tone.

Yet to no avail, her feelings are still unreciprocated.

In the end even as a giggling vapid slut, Abe still chose Cleo over her.

Just like he always did.

He even seemed supportive with her hookup with JFK.

Another fuel added to the fire.

Now she felt really silly exerting all those efforts just for his approval.

She always berates Cleo for being such a slut but is she really better after how desperate she acted?

Maybe if only she'd been straight forward with him from the start, things would've ended in her favor.

Or perhaps it was wrong of her to seek reciprocity. Love, after all should be unconditional.

Either way, it's too late now.

She's so pathetic.

Suddenly a voice called out to her, a sudden ripple in her stream of thoughts, breaking her out from of her stupor.

Looking sideways, her eyes met with familiar droopy ones.

She hadn't even noticed that he had stopped moving a little while ago.

"H-huh?"

"Are you er, uh, alright?"

Oh. That's right.

She was with JFK, and they were about to have sex with each other.

"You were-uh, crying."

Immediately, she brought a hand to her cheek and felt the said liquid trailing down her cheeks.

Shuddering as she finally realized she was not only physically bare, but now also emotionally.

Great.

She atleast expected an expression of dissatisfaction from him, but the male said nothing and merely looked at her. Probably dumbstruck by the sudden turn of events.

The room was quiet except for her soft sniffles.

He seemed to fiddle with the bedsheets for a while before finally deciding to move closer to her.

"Can I er, touch you?"

Expecting him to continue on where they left but too tired to even protest, she made no movement whatsoever to stop the male. They might as well finish what they've started even tho the thought made her want to shut her eyes.

She was surprised however, when she felt his arms wrapping around her, securing her into a hug.

She turned to look at him, perplexed by the sudden act of affection that he is displaying.

"Did it not feel good?"

Ah, there he is.

Of course, It was just about his ego. How foolish of her to think that he, even for a bit, cared about her.

She tried to squirm away from his grip, her fists meeting with his chest. The male took this as a sign to loosen his hold of her but not as much to completely let go of her.

"I did something wrong didn't I?"

Her body suddenly ceased it's erratic movements. She turned to look at him, searching through his face for any signs of deception which instead, only offered a genuine expression of worry.

He was blaming himself.

He actually thought it was his fault that she was crying. That's why he stopped.

"I, er, um sorry.."

If she was already crying before, then she was definitely bawling her eyes out right now.

"N-no! It's not your fault i--why did you stop?" She exclaimed in between sobs. His hand settled itself on her waist while his other one made it's way to her hair, combing them in a way that's supposed to be therapeutic.

"There, there.."

"I wanted this, Kennedy! Isn't this what you also wanted?"

"Sure I do, but not when you're uh, like this." She lets out another sob. "Besides, If I do make you cry it's going to be for an entirely different reason, if you get my meaning."

"S-shut up.."

He suggestively wiggled his eyebrows at her causing her to roll her eyes. Normally, she would've been irked by his usual comments like this, but tonight must be a different case. They seemed to give her a weird sense of normalcy, and that somehow comforts her.

Her sudden movement made the male flinch, as if anticipating another punch for his pesky remarks, he was relieved however, when Joan just readjusted her head to lean into his chest more properly.

She found this actions of his comical, cute even if she dares, and she couldn't help the chuckle that escaped her lips.

"Have you calmed down now?"

"Yes, thanks Kennedy."

Silence enveloped the both of them for a while before Jfk decided to speak again.

"You know, this suddenly reminds him."

She hummed in acknowledgement.

"Uh, Lincoln."

"Oh."

JFK didn't fail to notice the weak croak in her voice.

"Yeah, it was around that time poncey died. It was just kinda like this, except ya' know, we weren't both naked."

She felt his chest rumble as both of them let out a chuckle, hers a bit stiffled from burrying her face into them further. Muttering, "That sounds just like him.." In a barely audible voice.

No words were exchanged afterwards. Silence embraced the room once again, the same way his arms did around her body. Warm and in contrast to the air outside---inviting.

The moon illuminated the dim room seemingly to say it's hello.

So she took the opportunity to get a good look at his face. There she could makeout the subtle movement of his nostrils as he breathes.

Inhale, exhale, Inhale, exhale, Inhale..

Till she found herself unconsciously moving to the same rhythm.

His eyes she noticed, are now droopier. As his upper lashes seeked to meet with his lower ones but never actually closed them as they were fixated onto her. Only now was she able to acknowledge the kindness she failed to notice that they seemed to always have.

Then his lips, which in contrast to the usual smirk he parades around campus, lost all it's cockiness and is now ghosting a faint smile.

He looked so endearing right now that she could only sigh.

Was this really the same guy who used to shove other kids into lockers before? The same one who used to view women as mere objects meant to gratify sensual pleasure?

I guess grief from Ponce's death did change him in ways even he is not aware of.

Or maybe, he's just not a complete asshole as she thought him to be.

It could also be that she's just lonely and desperate for any act of kindness so she clung into them when given. That would explain how she got into this situation in the first place.

But whatever the answer may be, there are two things that Joan is now sure of:

One, no one is irredeemable.

And two, the male never looked as much enchanting to her right now as he ever did before.

#joanfk #joan #JFK #Clonehigh #himbo #goth

[sockablock]

Once upon a time, @inkedinserendipity tagged me in a post by @superssonica asking what would happen if Caleb got a bit too used to the Polymorph spell. 

Seren, you monster, this one goes out to you: 

- - -

Beau disappears into the clouds below the branches, trailed—then outpaced—by a second crack of thunder.

After a moment, the massive boughs sway. A few leaves tremble, then fall still.

Caduceus takes a seat in the newly-sprung grass. Yasha joins, sheepish at his side.

“My wings were not made for flying,” she mumbles. “I think I will just stay on the ground.”

Nott tugs on Caleb’s sleeve. “I kind of want to go,” she says. “Do you have a way to get us up?”

He follows her gaze. He considers the tree. He mulls over a mental list of spells, then rummages around in his pouch for silken string.

The tiny cocoon gleams silver in the light.

He gives Nott a smile.

“Ja, sure. Hop on.”

—

Caleb is flying. 

He’s never flown before, only seen and heard through Frumpkin’s eyes, back on the safety and security of the ground. But for a person, for a human, for the child of a farmer and a soldier, long ago, he’d like to think that he’s not doing a bad job.

The skies seem to tug at something deep within his soul, something feral and instinctive, something finally freed, something soaring, something lifting, something wild—alive.

In this euphoria, he tucks his wings close, driven on by a craving he’d never felt before. 

He spins into a barrel-roll, diving through the clouds, Nott on his back, screaming—maybe it’s a cheer—all he really knows is the rush of the wind, the thrill of the ether, the endless expanse.

It is beautiful, so high in the clouds.

His mind lets go. There’s no need for control.

It is empty. It is peaceful. 

Serene.

—

Later on, he turns back into the same bird to ferry Beauregard up to the nest. He lingers in the form a bit longer than needed.

It’s to save spell slots. You never know.

—

They arrive in Bazzoxan well after dusk and fall into the first and only bunks they can find. Jester and Caduceus look well enough tapped, and Fjord still occasionally plucks gravel from his chest. Yasha and Beau are as unfazed as ever, but this is as much of a habit as an act. Nott is fretting somewhere in the background, still searching desperately for her flask.

As far as evenings go, this one is fairly standard. It has been nearly a year since the Mighty Nein assembled, and all of these bustling midnight sounds are just a part of the familiar nightly song.

But when the lamplight fades, Caleb cannot sleep. He lies there, unmoving, eyes open in the dark.

He cannot stop thinking about what he’d done that morning. He cannot forget the way that it had felt.

Of course, he cannot forget anything. He’s never been able to, never known how.

But for that a minute, for that hour, for that daydream in the breeze, it had been so wonderfully easy.

—

He changes a few more times during the trip. Once towards the tomb, once within, once to dive past narrow, winding stairs. He mostly sticks to eagles—he knows them, they’re safe, and a part of him fears the uncertainty of other shapes.

He remembers the story that Jester had told about becoming a moth. She hadn’t been able to control her mind. She hadn’t been able to focus her thoughts. He remembers being a giant ape, and knowing nothing but the adrenaline and the bloody haze.

To a wizard, to a scholar, to a son of the fields who’d crawled his way up through sheer brains alone, this is something that rips at his core. It is horrifying. He must avoid it at all costs.

Still, though, he wonders, at dusk, by the campfire, as he stares alone into the flames:

What would it feel like? How far could he go?

His fingers brush a tiny cocoon. It glimmers faint and gold in the light.

—

They go home. To a home, anyways. They report to the Queen and her stance does not change, but Caleb’s convinced that there’s a new nod of care, maybe fondness, for their motley crew. They have continued to serve the Dynasty well. They have continued to help the Krynn win the war.

And gods, if the reports can be believed, the Krynn are winning this war. 

She allows him to see the Vollstrecker. 

Caleb’s soul is still rattled when finally, he leaves.

—

He goes to bed alone that night, alone in his room on the first floor of their house. 

His mind is a well of isolation and regret, of a churning desire for a wish he’ll never have, of plans and ruminations, more distant by the hour, of dreams, calculations, memories long and past, all flooding, all filling, overflowing, overmuch, much, much too much—

He drags his fingers down the sides of his head, sweat dripping from the tangle of his hair.

He needs air. Breathe. He needs air.

Below the silence of the ever-present moon, his footsteps creak against a polished floor. His palm brushes the smooth wooden banister, and then he reaches the stairs to the roof.

He opens the door.

He inhales, below the tree.

The little globes of daylight are dormant at this hour, still and cold beneath the stars.

Caleb looks up into the branches across the sky. Their tree is not nearly as large, as enormous, but still, it is familiar all the same. It makes him think...it makes him remember...

"But not a bird if it’s night,” he murmurs. “Something else, something...”

Ah, yes.

He reaches into his little leather pouch. He pulls out another silk cocoon.

He’ll have to pick up more, soon. But that is a problem for another time.

Polymorph trips off the curve of his tongue like a dream he’s dreamt a thousand times before.

And then he is nothing but a tiny, squeaking bat, a single lone heartbeat aflutter in the night.

—

The spell lasts an hour. 

—

If you cast it once.

—

That next morning, Caduceus makes breakfast. Caleb trudges down the stairs.

“Hey, what’s up with you?” Beau asks, as he pulls up a chair and collapses against the table. “Did you sleep bad? You look like shit.”

“Thank you, Beauregard,” he mutters, and pulls a mug of...of something, to his face. “Your razor-like honesty is always appreciated.”

“Alright, fuck me for asking,” she scowls, and turns around to harass Fjord instead. 

Nott, seated across the table, is feeding something to Yeza. It is amazing, the change he brings to her.

Caleb’s gaze drifts away. He focuses on a faint spiral in the wood, a little point of difference in a world of smooth grain.

After a while, he is aware of someone calling his name. He jerks up, just in time to see a fried egg slide onto his plate.

“Didn’t sleep well?” Caduceus asks kindly. “You, ah, I hope you don’t mind my saying, but you seem a bit tired, today.”

Caleb gives him a weak smile. “Ja, I stayed up last night. Working on...working on magic,” he adds.

Technically, it is not a lie.

However, Caduceus is hard to talk around. His eyes give a flicker, and though he doesn’t argue, it certainly doesn’t seem like he is fully convinced.

Still, he gives a nod. He moves on to feed the others.

Caleb feels guilty, and he isn’t sure why.

Then again, he muses, stabbing at his plate, there’s a lot for him to be guilty for.

He sinks just a bit lower in his chair.

— 

They decide, unanimously, that despite the uncertainty, they desperately need a break before heading to the north. Another week wouldn’t be too bad, adds Jester, so one more week of downtime is had. Almost immediately afterwards, Beau grabs Fjord to train in the cellar, saying something about—I can’t let Dairon down. Nott and Yeza disappear to the lab, to steal every moment they can before they part ways. Jester and Caduceus opt for some therapeutic shopping, leaving Caleb by himself, alone with his own devices.

Three months ago, that wouldn’t have been so bad.

He drifts around for a bit, idly doing tasks, re-sorting the library and polishing the windows, making his bed and then stopping to make the others’. He even takes a whole hour to scrub their tub, draining out the water and rolling up his sleeves, getting down on both knees and working the basin with a towel.

It is noon by the time he is finished. There are still seven more hours until sundown. 

There are still one hundred and fifty-one until their week-long vacation ends.

Caleb sits down at the edge of the pool. His fingers run aimless across the soapy rag as he tries desperately to think of more to do.

He even briefly debates seeing Essek. 

After a little while, he stands up. 

It is pointless. Nothing is as good.

—

“—and we’ve got a deal on clay, too. Great for Earthquakes, Feeble Mind, Shaping Stone, if that’s something you’re interested in. Only 10 silver for a—no?”

“No, no,” Caleb says quickly, carefully pouring the silk threads into his pouch. “Thank you, but I am well-stocked in that...regard. Er...thank you, madam.”

“Well, if you change your mind,” says the goblin, waving her hand and watching him go. “Come back soon, you know where to find me!”

Caleb does. 

And he is sure that he will.

—

He deliberates only a few minutes more as he stands atop the stone wall along their tower. It is dark in Rhosana, that is the problem, otherwise a bird would be the obvious choice. Then he thinks harder, and laughs at his own foolishness, and smashes the silver cocoon in his hands.

His wings spread wide, don’t make a sound.

His eyes, large, yellow, seeing all, drink in the energy and movement of a city that he—for now—does not entirely understand.

—

He comes home that night feeling mildly rumpled, somewhat wind-swept, all his spells spent. Still he agrees, as he collapses at the dinner table, that was a long afternoon well-spent. Caduceus is cooking again, of course he is, though Nott is assisting and Jester offers advice. 

The food is amazing, once it is complete. Though he eats much, much much more than he usually would, a fact that a number of his friends pick up on.

“Did you and Essek bone or something?” Beau asks. “Dude, chill out, there’s plenty more where that came from.”

Jester snickers as Fjord thumps him on the back, giving him a sympathetic hand.

“I did not,” Caleb says, affronted, and coughs one more time just for good measure. “I can assure you, we did nothing of the sort.”

“So what did you do?” Caduceus asks. His eyes, usually so dazed and relaxed, have focused onto Caleb with an uncomfortable accuracy. Damn the priest, Caleb thinks. What is this? A confession?

“We just reviewed dunamantic basics,” he murmurs, well aware of how it sounds to Jester. “I do not have any spell slots left, but I can certainly show you at a later time.”

“Firing blanks now?” Beau asks with false sympathy. “He must have really worked you hard.”

Caleb groans, and deliberately turns so that he cannot see her. Even Nott is grinning at him widely, seemingly pleased at the idea of...well, of whatever they think that he is doing. 

He wonders, idly, as the conversation shifts to other inane topics, if this is because she is gently, in her own way, trying to let him go. 

After all, she has Yeza now. She has a son she needs to go home to. She has a mission she needs to accomplish.

Caleb is supposed to have one too. But at some point during the months that have passed, he is trying less and less to think about it.

He has a feeling he knows why, but that does not make it any better.

—

That evening, his mind churns again. But he is exhausted, and depleted of his spells. He has to force himself to rest, even a short nap will do. He lies there in bed, undreaming, for hours, until he is finally dormant long enough to tap into his old training and conjure up a burst of magic.

It is just enough for one final spell. Time to make it count.

He closes his eyes.

He curls up against the mattress, and imagines what it would like to be Frumpkin.

—

There is no sunlight in this city, which means no morning gleam through the windows, but the distant hum of activity in the house, the far-off clamor of voices and life, signals to Caleb that the day has now begun.

And Frumpkin is there. Asleep against the covers, but stirs when Caleb starts to shift.

Very quickly, he is up and locking eyes with his wizard, draping across his lap and purring up a storm.

The sleep-muddled curve of Caleb’s mouth forms a smile. He runs his fingers across Frumpkin’s scalp, gently strokes his thumb against his cat’s fur.

“Dir auch einen guten morgen,” he murmurs. “I thought you were out enjoying yourself in the city.”

Frumpkin mrows in response and rolls over onto his back.

There is a moment, and then suddenly, Caleb frowns.

“Was? What are you talking about? Do not be silly, everything is fine.”

He absently scritches the fur on Frumpkin’s chest. But now his rhythm is a little unsteady.

“I am not sure what you mean,” he adds, after another pause for silence. 

Frumpkin purrs. He opens one eye and peers at Caleb.

“I am not,” Caleb says. 

Frumpkin turns over. Caleb scowls.

“I do not see why this is any of your business. And even if I was doing for that reason, it is not a harmful habit. I am just taking advantage of the skills I have learned. There is nothing wrong with that.”

Frumpkin stares until Caleb can no longer stand it. Brow furrowed, he plucks his cat from his lap and drops him onto the bed.

He says:

“I need some time alone. Do not bother me.”

—

Frumpkin is a familiar, bound by an eldritch pact. He cannot allow his master to come to harm, and he cannot disobey Caleb’s commands.

He cannot disobey Caleb’s commands. He cannot allow his master to come to harm.

Frumpkin is a familiar, and they had made a pact.

Then again, Frumpkin is also fey. 

And fey do not take “no” for an answer.

—

“Gods above,” Beau grumbles, leaping to the side, “hey, jeez, calm down, already. What’s gotten into you?”

Frumpkin sits back on his haunches and yowls purposely at her knees. His tail lashes through the air impatiently.

Beau scratches the top of her head.

“Are you trying to tell me something? What’s wrong?”

She can swear that the feline is rolling his eyes. She crouches down and frowns at him.

“Is...oh, shit, is it Caleb? Where is he? Is he alright?”

—

The spell that Jester and Caduceus had woven into the ribbons of daylight on their tree illuminates the top of the tower for a few hours every day. 

It is the closest thing that Rhosana has to sun, to a good and honest warmth. Caleb had decided, just minutes ago, to utilize this to its fullest potential.

He is content, here. He is basking, and at peace.

And then, just at the edge of his hearing, there is a faint disturbance.

“—what, that? Are you sure?”

The voice is familiar. Right now, Caleb can’t seem to remember whose it is, but he is vaguely irritated. It had been so quiet before, it had been so calm—

“You have to be really sure. I’m not gonna kill a random lizard.”

His little reptilian heartbeat leaps. He can sense a shadow looming over him now, all his instincts scream to run—

“Alright, alright, calm down, I’m doin’ it—”

—his muscles bunch, he gets ready to jump—

And a hand descends from the heavens above, the edge colliding with Caleb’s spine, there’s one second of awful, horrible pain, of a bright-yellow smudge staining the rocks, and then he is growing, aching, stretching, tumbling onto two legs, not four, glaring up in a light too bright and snarling at the unmoving face of Beau.

Now the physical is secondary. His mind is back, and it is angry.

“Arschgesicht! I had forty-two minutes on that spell!”

Beau doesn’t flinch. She doesn’t even respond. Instead, in true Cobalt Soul fashion, she stares him down with such a gaze that for but a second, Caleb almost feels sheepish.

Then the furry bubbles right back to the surface.

“Why did you do that?” he demands. “Beauregard, why would you interrupt me?”

“Uh, what exactly did I interrupt?” Her eyebrows are raised, her chin turned up. “Caleb, what the fuck were you doing?”

“I was—I—magic!” he shouts. He gestures wildly to the smooth stones. “I was just practicing my spells! You know you are not supposed to interfere!”

He feels something dull at the back of his skull. It is like a pressure, though rapidly fading, and as he whirls around towards the source, he just sees the tip of a ginger tail vanishing down the tower stairs.

He almost shouts. He does not, but almost. He begins to storm off towards the door, his foot falls once, hard, into the grass, but then comes a grip like iron against his wrist.

Beauregard always says that her hands are her weapons. Even Caleb, in this state, remembers this well.

“Good gods,” she says, eyebrows rising further. “Dude, seriously, what’s up with you? Why’re you pissed? You can cast it again, can’t you?”

“Yes, Beauregard,” he manages, “yes, of course, of course I can. But that is not the point, here. The point is that Frumpkin disobeyed what I said, and, and coerced you to come here. I know you are innocent here, but he—”

“Wow.”

Caleb pauses.

“‘Wow’ what?”

Beau lets go of his wrist. She takes a step back, crosses her arms, looks him over with the sudden terrible stare of understanding. “Damn, dude, I came up here because I thought you were in trouble. That something was attacking you, or something’. But I guess trouble comes in different forms, huh?”

Caleb frowns. “What do you mean?”

She points at the rocks, where he had been resting. “Sometimes it’s a lizard. I’m guessing sometimes it’s a bird? A giant one, with eagle-wings?”

His eyes narrow. “I do not know what you are talking about.”

“Yeah, well, I barely do either, but Frumpkin seems to think there’s something wrong. With you, I mean. And I guess with your spells.”

“There is nothing wrong with me. And there is no reason for you to think that.”

She leans in.

“You and your cat are telepathically linked.”

“And? What of it?”

“If there was something goin’ on in your head, don’t you think he would have noticed?”

“He is overreacting,” Caleb huffs, “there is nothing—”

“Come on, man, this is Frumpkin. He cares about you, he’s just worried. And honestly, based on the way you’re acting, I’m starting to worry too.”

Caleb stops.

He goes still.

His gaze falls to the ground.

“Ja, well,” he murmurs. “Perhaps you should not bother.”

To his amazement, Beau rolls her eyes.

“Aw, come on,” she says, stepping forward. “Don’t play that face with me, alright?” She prods him in the chest. “Alright, spill. What’s up? Are you still pissed about that Scourger that got caught?”

Caleb sighs. “No, no, that is not it. It is…” He pinches the bridge of his nose. “It is just...other things. You know.”

“I don’t.”

He inhales. Then he sags, finally defeated.

“Ja. Ja, I suppose that is true.”

He watches her cross her arms.

“I won’t know unless you tell me,” she says. “What is it? What’s wrong?”

He feels the last of the rage drain away. His stares intently at the dirt.

“It is...I believe it is everything. Everything that has been happening. Everything that has happened.”

He falls quiet.

“I think it may be too much.”

Beau gives him a very level stare.

Eventually, she gestures to the stones. Warm under the glow of light made by a friend.

“Alright,” she says. “Fine. Let’s talk.”

They both sit. It is quiet, for a moment. And then, Caleb sighs one last time, and speaks:

“We are in a very strange place. And we are trying to...we are trying to do some very big things. Things that...as every day goes by, seem more and more impossible to accomplish.”

Beau leans against the bark of the tree.

“Yeah, I…feel you there.”

Caleb raises an eyebrow.

“What did your mentor say, by the way? How much does she know about...about the things we have done?”

Beau meets his gaze, eyes blank and cool.

“Oh, no. We’re doing your problems now. We can talk about all that later.”

Despite everything, this makes Caleb laugh. It’s nothing more than a faint chuckle, but Beau smiles back, gives him a nod.

“C’mon,” she says. “Go on. Keep going.”

Caleb tilts his head up to the boughs of the gnarled tree.

“I am...well, I am not sure. Not really. I do not think I have been, for a long time. And…seeing that V—that Scourger, it made me realize that…that for all of my memory, all my knowledge, for all the things I had swimming in my head, I realize now that I did not really have to think. I just...really, I just had to believe. I had to obey what my Lehrer—teacher, said. Really, I was not expected to think. And everything, for all its complications, everything was so, so simple.”

He glances down at the ground. Tufts of grass lay silent below his feet.

“Today, my friend, today they are not. We are...we are trying to do very big things. And we are trying to help many people. And I think that is good. Really, I do. And I think it has given me...in some ways, a...a goal. Something that seems a bit more feasible, anyway.”

“More realistic then bending reality.”

He gives a faint smile.

“Ja, you could put it that way. But, ah...but as you can likely see, that goal has gotten slightly more...complicated. And trying to stay on the right path...even finding that path itself, is not a straightforward process. It requires thought. It requires so much thought. And now, after everything, after all we have seen and tried to do, I believe...I am sure...that I am just tired of thinking.”

Beau nods sagely as his voice trails away.

“Okay,” she shrugs. “Then you should just stop.”

Caleb blinks.

“Jus—what?”

Beau sighs. “I…I dunno, man. I think, honestly, I think that’s all you need. To stop thinking about all that shit. Not—” she adds hastily, “—not in the way that you’re doing with the lizards. Not like that. But just...I dunno. When you’re being you.”

“But when I am me, I cannot do that,” Caleb says. “I have a perfect memory, Beauregard. There is nothing I can forget.”

“Oh, wow, look at you. Wow. I’m so impressed.”

“Beauregard—”

She grins and raises her hands. “Sorry, sorry, I couldn’t resist. But, uh...yeah. I guess that makes sense. That...that sounds pretty rough, dude. If I had a record of my greatest failures playing all the time in my head, I think I’d go pretty crazy too.”

Caleb raises an eyebrow.

“Now I am confused,” he says. “Is this conversation supposed to help me?”

Beau throws her arms into the air.

“Hell, I dunno,” she says. “I’m not the feelings expert, or whatever. I’ve just seen people do this kind of shit before. You’re supposed to talk things out, right? That’s supposed to...I dunno, fix things, or something?”

“Is it?” Caleb asks, incredulous. “Who told you that?”

She scratches the back of her neck. “Uh...I dunno. Probably Caduceus.”

“That seems like something that he would say.”

They fall silent for a few moments after that, drinking in the sunlight and the distant city sounds.

Then Beau says:

“I wasn’t lying, though. I don’t really know what it’s like to feel like you. I can’t imagine having a brain like yours. But...but I do kind of know what you’re going through.” He glances over, and she nods. “Yeah. I do. I think...I think it’s a pretty common thing. Maybe not in such perfect detail, but...it can be hard to stop thinking about all the times you’ve fucked up. And it can be even harder when you know that, uh...when it feels like the fate of a hundred thousand souls rests on every stupid decision that you make.”

“We have made many stupid decisions, eh?”

“God, you’re telling me?” Beau groans. The back of her head rests against the tree. “I’m amazed Dairon didn’t kill me. And honestly, I’m amazed all of us are still alive. But...I mean...I guess that’s just it, right? We’re still alive. We’re still here. And, most important, we’re still truckin’.”

She tilts one eye towards Caleb.

“We’re still here, and we’re still trying to figure it out. As shitty as it is, sometimes. As much as...as much as it hurts. And as tired as we get. We haven’t given up, and we’re still alive. Seriously, think about it in math. The odds are definitely that we should’ve died by now.”

He can’t help but snort. “Ja, absolut.”

“But we aren’t,” Beau shrugs. “And as shitty as that is, as much as it hurts, as fuckin’ terrible as it can sometimes be...that means we still have a chance. To do...whatever it is that we’re supposed to do. Or not supposed to do. And I always get pissed when people tell that I’m lucky for it, or whatever, but...I dunno. Maybe we are. And maybe it’s rotten luck for the world that it’s us, but...here we are. All of us, here we are. And...and we’ve got each other. And I won’t pretend to know what I’m doing, and I definitely don’t know...not really, how to help, but, uh. I’m here for you. Okay? Whatever...whatever you need. As long as it’s not bullshit—" she raises an eyebrow, Caleb chuckles. 

“—but yeah. Seriously. I’m here. And I’ll always listen, whenever I can.”

She leans back against the bark. She closes her eyes and gives a nod.

“I mean that,” she says. “I really do.”

Caleb feels the sunlight glow against his skin, feels the warmth of its whisper brushing across his face. And there’s another light too, maybe brighter, maybe warmer, coming from either side of his form—it’s the gentle sigh of a shoulder pressed against his own, and the curling, purring softness, of a cat beneath his hands.

He glances down at Frumpkin. Then he turns to look at Beau.

Here we are. All of us, here we are.

Very, very slowly, he closes his eyes.

And it isn’t the cure. Not by a long shot.

But certainly, it’s a start.

[malifikook]

College Fiasca

 what happens when a simple dare turns into something more?

 a/n: hi everyone! this happens to be my first proper fic; i was previously @starryblue08 but i got locked outta my acc :( anyways i hope you enjoy! feedback is greatly appreciated :D

“Oi! You lot! Get moving!”

A chorus of frustrated groans and grumbles came before the lingering crowd set into motion, around the track that circled around the field, littered with runners and students jogging.

“Can you believe coach?” Your friend slowed down to your pace, her breath barely picking up as she rolled her eyes. “Rumour has it that him and mistress number five have broken up. Tragic, right?”

“Don’t make fun.” You chided but a laugh seemingly escaped you, looking ahead as you ran, inhaling in the crisp cold air and smiling. You loved this kind of weather. It was exactly what you needed after the stressful week of exams.

Coming to a stop when the burning in your lungs was too much, you gasped in lungfuls of air as you bent over, hands on knees and blinking.

“You good there, Y/N?”

A couple of your friends gathered around you and you blinked back black circles. Maybe it was the too tiny breakfast you had.

Pushing up, you gave them a broad smile. “Yeah, I’m good.”

The laps had finished and coach had sent you all off to wash up. Crowded up near a bench, you sat with your head tilted back as you gulped down the fresh water. Popping it off, you gasped as you felt the clear aqua drip down your chin.

“Y/N! Look!” a hiss came in your ear and you turned your eyes to the direction of the pointing finger.

At the end of the finger was the perfectly chiseled body of Jeon Jeongguk’s, standing in all his post-run sweaty state, tilting his head back as he ran his hands through his hair, chest heaving as he inhaled in and exhaled slowly.

You ripped your eyes away and turned to look up at your friend innocently, ignoring the dangerous blush on your cheeks and cocked up an eyebrow. “What about him?”

“Apparently he’s broken up with Lia.” She carried on, plopping down on the free area nearby you. “Do you think I should shoot my shot?”

The words he’s a human, not a game was on the end of your tongue, but you were wise enough to keep hush, so you snapped up your bottle and stood. “Sure. I’ll go change.”

While you slipped the sticky clothes off of your body, you thought back to Jeon. He certainly wasn’t your type-right? He was a player, a wet dream of every high school girl, no doubt. But you tried to weigh out the pros and cons. He most likely could not even know the difference between a stop sign and a go ahead sign. You had seen his car- a cherry red convertible. How he had that sort of money in college was beyond your reason.

You entertained the idea that he was a drug dealer the whole walk back out to your friends, and you found yourself smiling.

When you sat back down on the ground, you were easily absorbed in the game your friends had started, and you laughed. Were they really playing-

“Truth or Dare?”

You thought for a long moment before, “Truth.”

“Agh, spoilt sport.” Jean pouted but thought before asking, “You still a virgin?”

You pinked, jerking up in your seat and glancing down, picking at the edges of your bag’s rim. How on earth were you gonna reply to that?

“Oh my god!” She squealed. “My tiny baby! We need to get you out there and find a man! Oh my gosh, let’s see who you could fuck, hmm.”

“Whoa, wait-“ you protested, hands coming to gain her attention yet simultaneously hide yourself from all the other surprised stares from the other people around you. You felt your palms grow sweaty.

“Oh my god yes! I’ve got it!”

You narrowed your eyes. “What?”

“Nothing.” With coy eyes, she shrugged her narrow shoulders and turned her head, smiling mysteriously. “Who’s turn is it?”

The game continued, and you waited nervously for good reason, knowing that that flint in Jean’s eyes meant trouble.

And alas, the bottle landed again on you and Jean.

She glanced up, eyes shining and smile triumphant. “Ask Jeon Jeongguk to fuck you.”

“W-What?” Your voice picked up in a high pitch and you struggled to bring it down from all the weird gazes thrown around from the other players. You spoke in a hushed whisper, away from the other players, “Jean I don’t think-“

“You will do it, won’t you?”

The other players’ eyes care into your view and you gazed with wide terrified eyes at them all. Panic started to creep up your throat. Self Consciousness and Doubt slithered up your spine. All these eyes meant murmurs behind your back. 

You couldn’t have a repeat of last time.

Ripping your eyes away, you stumbled up to your feet.

Jean seemed to pick up your change in mood, eyes blinking up at the slight quiver of your lashes, and rose to say, “Hey look it’s okay-“

“It’s fine.” You said dismissively, slight bitterness creeping into your voice. “I’ll do your stupid dare.”

Being a new transfer student mid-college year was tough. With no one you knew, a whole new course that made you tug at your hair, and the oh too much free time you had made you feel extremely lonely. You had thought coming here would change your life for the better - yet you were still to see any changes.

You had found Jean in between classes on the floor, crying her eyes out. When you had loomed over her to ask if she was alright, through bleary eyes she had waved to the area nearby and had croaked out, “Come join me - I’m in the middle of my weekly crying sessions; it’s very therapeutic.”

It was safe to say you had grown to be close friends quite quickly. 

But still, you were only two months new to the school. Whereas Jean had a bunch of friends, your social circle was limited to two people: Jean, and the librarian Hana. She had no idea of your inner thoughts, of how hard you were on yourself, how destructive your mind could be. 

But then again, who’s fault was that that she had no idea about it?

Rubbing your hands into your jeans, you gulped as you stared at the crowd of boys nearby the targeted boy known as Jeongguk. The whoops behind you grew and you squeezed your eyes shut before inhaling.

It would be okay. He most probably would not even recognize you.

Taking tentative steps forward, you felt the anxiousness and nervousness creep up inside of you as the faces of the boys cleared and you scanned the number of boys. Six - was it six other boys?

Jeongguk had his back to you, proudly standing with a ball looped around his arm and pressed to his waist as his hip cocked out and he talked to the other boys who stared up at him.

You heard the bare sentence of, “…yeah it was a tough game, nearly lost it! But then Tae here came running in-“

“That’s hyung to you.” Another boy with floppy grey hair grunted, twisting the cap of a bottle open and chugging it down.

“Ah no need to ruin the fun.” Jeongguk’s arms lowered and you stared at the muscles moving in his shoulders underneath the fabric before shaking yourself and shuffling around.

You cleared your throat, heart pounding to your ears and against you fingertips.

It’s now or never.

“Excuse me?”

The same grey haired boy first met your gaze and you held it, nervously chewing on your lip.

He gave a soft smile, the green and black uniform doing his tanned skin justice. “Hi, can I help you?”

The other boys were absorbed in fighting with each other, loud and obnoxious as they created the loudest sounds on the field.

You winced and leaned away from the noise, glancing at the grey haired boy. “I’m looking for Jeongguk?”

The boy’s confused gaze cleared and somewhat flattened as he turned to the mess of the boys and called out, “Jeon, you’ve got company!”

Your heartbeat tripped and on impulse you gazed down at your hands and counted all fingers before looking up and sweeping your eyes to make eye contact with Jeon Jeongguk.

Oh fuck

He seemed prettier up close, with wide brown eyes and a nice jawline and bouncy, brown coloured hair. Though, contradicting his baby face was his well toned body that eagerly tried to distract you but you kept your eyes above shoulder level.

“Can I uh- help you?”

It was so clear he did not know you and you nearly squeezed your eyes shut; yet the burning gazes on your back made you wrench your eyes open. 

The dare, we have to ask him about the dare

So breathing in, you rushed out in one breath, “Ineedtotalkwithyoualone.”

He blinked, hands on his hips as he true to decipher the stranger in front of him. “Excuse me?” He glanced at Taehyung in hopes of his friend deciphering the jumbled up words.

“I’ll be over there.” The grey haired boy snorted and pointed to where the rest of the guys sat and strolled over to them, casually sitting on one jock’s lap whose jacket said JIMIN.

Jeongguk’s boring eyes turned to you, undivided attention making you squirm, and cocked his head to the side. “So? What is it?”

It was like a dam inside of you had broke.

“Look okay I know you don’t know me and I barely knew who you were until like a week ago, but see I have a bunch of people over there who-who started to play a round of Truth and Dare a-and god I know what you’re thinking like -Truth is Dare? Really? - even I thought that but I was there and they had already started playing and- and they asked me i..if i was a virgin and I couldn’t lie so i said yes and then they sent me out here to get you to mess around with me b-but look I would never! I’d-“

“Whoa whoa whoa!”

You broke off into a heaving breath when the pretty boy in front of you held his hands up and you ducked your head, pressing a hand to your head as you felt your cheeks heat up.

God you were such a klutz.

“That’s some dare.”

You picked up on the amusement in his voice and raised your head, eyebrows jumping up at the baby pink lips on his face grinning. “You alive, ma’am?”

You barely had time to process the meaning of the sentence before he said, “Well look I’m honoured but-“

“Oh my god no.” You interrupted him in realization. Running a hand through your hair. you gaped up at him. “Then when I go back they’ll ask me if I did it. I can’t go back looking like a fool.”

The anxiety trickled back into your bloodstream, the disappointed murmurs echoing in the back of your head,”Can’t even get a guy to sleep with her? Shame,” the lingering judging stares you’d have to bear. You had to think. Think fast.

You two stood there in silence for a second before you snapped your fingers. “Aha! Okay got it! You pretend to nod as if you’re agreeing to what I’m saying right now and then I’ll make a show of it as if we’ve sealed a deal and I’ll go back and-“

“Or-“

A deliberate step was taken towards you and you found the air around you filled with the scent of mandarins and sweat all at once. Jeongguk stood a step away from you, dressed in those darn black shorts and loose white shirt. He seemed to pull it off though, and you swallowed at the sight of him leaning forward to you.

“Or,” he repeated again, breath tickling your cheek. “We actually follow through with this dare.”

Your eyes widened inches as you stared up silently at the college boy in front of you. “Excuse me?”

But you had heard him, wide and clear. You couldn’t believe it. Was he being serious right now?

“Think about it.” His voice was soft, persuasive in a silky way. “You go back there pretending you got me to agree and everything’s fine until tomorrow comes and they ask you how the fuck is. D’you think you’ll be able to make something up babe?”

You’re breath hitched as his nose made contact with your skin and you felt goosebumps erupt all over your arms. Your hands fisted into your pants.

“But just imagine.” He was practically purring into your ears. “How it would be like, me touching you and fucking you right. You’d go back home wishing all the other guys you’d fuck would be as half as good as me.”

It should be disgusting. The way he whispered it so easily in your ears. But all you felt was the feel of his lips on your skin and hands barely brushing at your hair. The goosebumps that trickled over your skin gave your feelings away: but Jeongguk still smirked, asking,

“So, doll? What’ll it be?”

You felt too dizzy. Intoxicated with Jeongguk’s power. One minute he was standing boyishly with his friends and the next minute he was boring over you like a sex god.

“I don’t even know you.” The rational part of your brain garbled the sentence out.

Jeongguk’s breathy laugh came. “So? How does that matter? All that matters is the fuck no?” His hands danced at your collarbones. “And the feeling of winning that dare - we can’t forget that.”

An inner turmoil was twisting inside of you: it was so easy to see the reason as to why he agreed to easily - the guy just wanted to get laid, clean and simple, yet the idea of you being just another round of sex to him did not set easily with you. But you heard the curious murmurs from behind, cooing in pity that the new girl had been straight to swim with the sharks. The pride inside of you won the match.

“Okay.” You murmured, leaning and taking a step back. “Okay then, Jeon boy.”

He seemed to grin that boyish grin again, the wind fluffing his hair around. “Meet me in my car after school, yeah?”

The walk back to the group was a shaky one, the post excitement and adrenaline of being so close to a boy still flushed inside your veins.

“Omg what happened!” The girls cried out but Jean shoved her way through and asked with anxious yet curious eyes, “So? How’d it go?”

Picking up your gym back and shuffling it onto you shoulder securely, you gave her a curt, “Good,” before walking off the field to the building.

Just maybe you’d be able to change

The problem with having a grand exit was that sometimes you’d up being unprepared. And that’s exactly what you were.

Meet me in my car, was Jeongguk’s words and it would’ve been an easy thing to spot, if only you knew what car he drove. And where he’d parked.

As you wrapped up your bag when the lecture finished, you sighed in frustration while running a hand through your hair. You couldn’t concentrate at all, the teacher’s words muted as you were absorbed in your world, pen tapping against the table as you had stared at the ground in another world.

Was he really serious? This wasn’t some sort of joke, right?

But as you finally jumped down the stairs and entered the hallway, it finally dawned up you as everyone scattered to leave for home that Jeon Jeongguk, the most known guy on the campus was waiting for you.

And you really wished you weren’t in this situation, because as cliche and sweet it sounded, you kept thinking of the reason why he was waiting and it sent shivers down your back.

This wasn’t what you were expecting when applying for college.

Stepping out of the building into the cool air, you made up your mind. You’d step back up from this deal - you weren’t ready, no matter how cute Jeongguk looked. It would all finish in one night and the next day you’d come to school and have to ignore him, and that wasn’t something you wanted. You knew that having a cute, romantic first time was something that was a rarity these days, but you wanted to have your first time with someone you knew - someone who cherished you. Call it childish, maybe even impractical, but if there was one thing that was clear about you, it was that you stuck to your beliefs.

Swinging your head around, you pursed your lips in thought as you surveyed the courtyard before making way to the parking lot.

You’re bound to find him, right? Like how hard would it be?

Not a few minutes had passed after the thought had crossed your mind did you hear a roaring sound, a loud, startling sound that disrupted the silence of the lot, and your eyes were dragged to the source of the noise.

It was a convertible, the door of the sleek black car swung up and sitting inside was -

You breathed out a sigh of relief.

It was not, in fact, Jeongguk but one of his friends; you recognized his grey hair from before. He had one leg out and a hand gripping the door as he smiled a boxy smile at his other friends that were surrounded around him.

Your feet hesitated as you heard the laughter and shuffling of feet from the numerous of boys, their presence so loud and prominent, and you took it in - the number of eyes that wavered to the group, some people staring in awe and others in indifference.

A couple of the boys - one tall one with purple hair and another wearing a tuxedo - parted from the group, waving their hands before moving to their own cars which you noticed with a pinch of salt were also sports cars.

You were starting to feel a it irritated, really with yourself, as to why you couldn’t push yourself to go up to the group and call out Jeongguk, but right at that moment, the brown haired boy threw his head back in a laugh and when he came down with his eyes open and shifting around, he made contact with you.

It would be a lie if you said that hadn’t made a jolt go up your spin.

Glancing away, you feigned indifference as you rocked back and forth on your heels, gripping your phone in front of you tightly. Your heart must’ve been beating a race, tripping and picking up, as you felt a heat creep up your neck and make way to your cheeks.

Movement on the side of your vision showed that Jeongguk was saying his goodbyes to his friends, laughing a bit, before turning and making way to you and dear god if your heart wasn’t pounding.

“Hey.” He gave a smile, something akin to a grin, and picked his hand up and you reacted instantly, sticking your own hand out.

Silence erupted between you two before he let out a chuckle, gripping your hand and raising an eyebrow at you. “Nervous?”

“Nope,” you lied with a hesitant smile, hoping he wouldn’t see through your facade, but the look in his eyes said otherwise.

He raised his other hand up to his hair to run through and you squeezed your eyes shut, berating yourself silently as the realization dawned upon you. He hadn’t held his hand out to you but to fix his hair-

Why wouldn’t the earth just swallow you up?

“It’s cool,” Jeongguk laughed, retracting his hand back and scratching at the back of his neck. “Uh- wanna leave?”

You nodded dumbly, not trusting yourself to say anything sensible right now, and that was frustrating you. You were never like this - the nervous, wrecked person who had their tongue twisted. At least not around a lot of boys.

But Jeongguk was different. There was something about him, you noticed as you walked alongside with him, taking his bent head and the way his fine legs looked really good in those jeans -

“Look out.”

You caught yourself just in time, staring wide eyed at the car that you were about to run into, and you grumbled to yourself, half in embarrassment, as you rounded around the car and followed him, “Who even parks their car like that?”

Jeongguk just smiled, and a part of you wished he would say something stupid so you could find something to hate about him, but  the way he was softly smiling wasn’t helping at all.

“Ah, here we go.”

“Oh.” You couldn’t help the tiny gasp that left your mouth.

“You coming?” Jeongguk was beeping the car open, and you really wondered if he knew what a jewel he had in his hands right now.

You nodded and trailed your hands along the head of the car, blinking in awe as you opened the door slowly and heaved yourself up, into the gigantic G-Wagon, softly closing the door and taking in the interior with wide eyes.

“Do you like the car?” Jeongguk said with a slight humour in his voice, hand twisting the keys before a low purr sounded the lot, and while the other cars had roared, like lions, this car purred low like a leopard and you couldn’t help but compare that comparison to Jeongguk as you stared at him.

The drive was painfully awkward and you couldn’t keep track with how many times you caught yourself trailing your eyes back to Jeongguk’s profile, promptly snapping your head to face forwards whenever he shifted in his seat.

When he reached forward to turn the music on, you relaxed ever so slightly, sinking back into the seat and humming as you tapped your fingers to the beat.

“So,” he started, making you jump slightly, before carrying on with a smile, “Wanna tell me something about yourself?”

You pursed your lips in a show but thought to yourself, Is this normal? Does he ask all the girls he fucks to chat about their hobbies?

You winced at yourself at the crass thought, but answered, “Well you know my name already - wait you do right?”

The embarrassed look Jeongguk tried to hide explained it all; his cheeks went red and he pressed his lips together with a shrug. “I was too overcome with your beauty to remember what you said-”

“Save it.” You laughed, reaching up to cup your cheek and glance out the window with a smile. “It’s Y/N. Whatta bout you?”

The minute the words left your mouth, you couldn’t help the cry of embarrassment that left your mouth as you covered your face. Jeongguk’s loud infectious laughter filled the car and you felt a bare of a smile against your fingers.

“You’re that nervous?” Jeongguk laughed, the car coming to a stop at a red light and you glanced up to stare ahead with a slight pout. “No I am not.”

Light fingers touched at your chin and turned you to face Jeongguk and your breath tripped and you blinked up wide at him, feeling the way your cheeks were heating up.

He had leaned over the seat, the seat-belt digging warningly into his chest, eyes dark and lidded as he tilted his head to gaze at you, breath smelling oddly of mint.

“I think you should be.” He whispered hotly, lashes flicking against his skin as he dipped down to nudge at your nose. Your breath hitched and your hand flew up to his shoulder, ready to push him away, but his nose jerked away, nosing down to trace a path down past your cheeks to your collarbones, and shakily, you felt him place a light kiss, a bare brush of lips really, to there, and you felt yourself quiver, fist clenching atop his shoulder.

“You’re shaking,” he murmured, leaning closer to share the heat that was radiating off of him, his hand dropping from your chin to dance at the edge of your face, tickling at the apple swell of your cheeks teasingly. “What were you saying before about not being nervous?”

You blinked up at the roof of the car, mumbling back out, “I’m not, I’m just slightly new to all of these things.” A poor attempt of a front, and Jeongguk saw right through you.

Jeongguk let out a light chuckle, tipping his chin up to gaze up at you, the proximity between you so close you saw the way the browns in his eyes blended into honey gold and the slight upturned part of his top lip that looked too shiny for a boy.

“There’s a lot I have to teach you then,” he grinned out, and suddenly the car was jerking forward, his foot placed firmly on the ground and sending the car in motion, pulling away from you just as fast and leaving you cold.

When you both arrived, it was to a apartment building and you followed Jeongguk up the stairs and towards the elevators.

A flare of panic of being too close with Jeongguk again rose up in your chest and you blurted out, “Why don’t we take the stairs?”

Jeongguk looked back at you with an unreadable face, before shrugging and walking beside you up the stairs.

You kept chanting in your head You’re so dumb, You’re so dumb god god why-

And by the time you had repeated that thirty two times, you had stopped behind Jeongguk who was busying himself open a door and pushing it open.

The apartment was nice, surprisingly not as posh as you thought, and you felt a slight tug in your heart as you saw an opened pizza box.

“Sorry for the mess.” Jeongguk said unapologetically, tossing his coat to the side and striding to the kitchen. “My apartment is under renovation right now, so I’m borrowing my friend’s flat for a while.”

Scratch the previous thought.

You had no idea as to how to reply to that, so you nodded and let out a “ah” before moving to the hanging frames on the wall and you noticed with a jerk that the grey haired boy in most of the photos, smiling with his family and his friends.

“Want a drink?”

Turning around, you took in Jeongguk standing behind the ledge that divided the kicthen from the living room, holding up a can of soda.

“I’ll take some water,” you smiled, and it dropped slightly at the way Jeongguk rose his eyebrows slightly judgingly.

“Here you go Miss,” Jeongguk passed you a bottle of water before coming to stop infront of you.

You glanced at him before focusing on drinking the water, midway the bottle when he said,

“So you wanna get fucked here or…?”

Choking, you spluttered out some drops of water before bringing your arm up to dab at your mouth before stuttering out, “What?”

“Look love,” Jeongguk rolled up his sleeves slowly, the dark blue color complimenting his smooth skin, his eyes closed as if he was in pain saying it, “This was great and all but I’ve got a lot of work to do so if we can hurry this up - “

The promise you had made to yourself popped up in your brain and you zoomed to your feet, speeding into your explanation, “That’s okay we can do this another time really, it’s not that important-”

“Whoa whoa .” Jeongguk raised both eyebrows, hands drifting to stay on his hips. “You’re bailing out on me here?”

“Well it’s more like I’m bailing on myself,” you mumbled to yourself, ducking your head and poking your sock covered toes at the carpet.

Jeongguk let out a bare scoff, a bit surprised and maybe a bit offended, and proceeded to cross his arms with a sharp gaze.  “Well can I ask why?”

You glanced up at him, slightly intimidated, and played at your fingertips, feeling your hands start to sweat up and you glanced around.

“Look, don’t take it personally, it’s nothing against you, I mean you must be a great guy but I’m just-” you broke off, ducking away from his gaze. “I’m kinda scared. And I’m not really looking for a one-night stand, you get me?”

Looking up with hopeful eyes, you took in Jeongguk’s calculating eyes, grazing up and down you, before he took one step forward.

“If you don’t want it to stop, we can go another path,” Jeongguk murmured, reaching his hand out to tip your chin up and tug you closer. Your feet stumbled underneath you put you caught yourself, staring  up into his wide brown eyes in alarm. “Who’s to say we have to stop seeing each other?”

Jeongguk trailed his other hand up your arm, leaving goosebumps in his wake, and you felt yourself grow weak, become putty against his hands. Your head was growing fuzzy, a haze clouding your mind as you stared up at Jeongguk, watching the brown hair flop over his forehead and down to his dangerous dark eyes.

“Do you understand love?”

You pulled yourself back slightly, clearing your throat and shaking your head, trying to rid the haze from your head.

“Look,” you tried again weakly, eyes fluttering at the way Jeongguk dipped his head and kissed your shoulder delicately, and though you wore many layers, you felt the searing heat that spread through your body from that one spot.

“I’ll be gentle.” He whispered softly, and the mood in the air shifted, his hands finding way to your hips, thumbs rubbing gentle circles into your skin, nuzzling into your neck, and you felt the heat from his mouth.

“Can I?” he asked, and you heard the slight want in his voice, laced oh so wondrously with heat.

Your tongue felt too heavy, and so you slid your hands up to his hair, sliding through the soft strands and tilting your head back farther, exposing the expanse of your throat.

Yes please

Jeongguk let out a noise, closing the distance and placing a hot open mouthed kiss to your throat, making your head roll back and mouth part, his nails digging into you, one hand sliding to your back to stabilize you, and you gasped out a tiny, “Oh.”

Jeongguk was moving before you knew it, grabbing a hold of your hand before striding to his room, and you followed him, heart in your throat and you had few seconds to view the nice room before you were pressed up to a wall, Jeongguk’s face all you could see as he neared your lips.

“Can I take it?” He whispered, eyes trained on your lips. “Your first kiss?”

Your breath caught slightly when he glanced up, and the need was apparent, so damn apparent, you felt slightly dizzy at the thought.

“Yes,” you found yourself nodding and just like that, he had swooped down to capture your lips in his, pulling you along with him, wrapping his arms around your waist and tugging you close.

Soft, luscious lips kissed you, pressed you into the wall, hands roaming up and down your body, mapping it out for Jeongguk to remember, long strong fingers rubbing soothing patterns as he tilted his head, teasingly licking at your lips with his tongue before moving.

You wrapped your arms around his neck, trying to remain calm as you felt him tilt his head and kiss you again, the world spinning as he pressed your further into the wall. All your senses were heightened, acute of the way his hands clutched your shirt in his fists and the way he smiled whenever you gasped when your lips parted.

When he pulled back, you blinked up at him, breathless, literally, your vision fuzzy and nerves on edge, heart pounding a million beats a second.

“Was I okay?” he teased, a raise of eyebrow.

You couldn’t find the words to respond, jaw slack, and chose instead to answer by looping your fingers into the hoops of his jeans and tugging him back for another kiss, giggling slightly when he mumbled an ‘okay then’.

This doesn’t feel like a quick fuck and go. That was all you could think of as you kissed, wrapping your arms around him again and going on your tip toes to gain more leverage, tipping your head back when the kiss got too intense and let out a slight groan when Jeongguk sucked at your skin.

“Oh my god I’m sorry,” you rushed to apologize but you stopped when Jeongguk picked one hand to brace next to your head, head remaining ducked as he spoke:

“Can I - god, Y/N, can I fuck you?”

You felt yourself go up another level of dizziness at his words, blinking quickly to ground yourself and you nodded, fisting at Jeongguk’s shoulder, finding yourself whisper, “Please.”

The world spun with colors as Jeongguk spun both of you around, still clutched to each other, and made way to the bed, dropping you and kneeling a top of you.

He made way to unbutton his shirt but he glanced down  at you, debating, before he took your hand and said, “C’mere.”

You were tugged up onto your feet by the boy, spun around to face him so he tilted his chin to glance up at you. Hand still clasped in his, he placed your fingers to his top buttons and said, “Go ahead.”

You swallowed, not daring to look up to his eyes, working your fingers to motion as you ever so slowly popped the buttons open, cursing slightly when your grip slipped, and Jeongguk smirked. “Easy there.”

You gave him a light glare which he tilted his head at with a grin, before you finally unbuttoned all the buttons, his shirt hanging open and you wrenched your eyes up and away from his very toned stomach, retracting your hands. “Now?”

“This isn’t a lab experiment babe.” Jeongguk laughed, leaning his hands back. “Just do what you feel is right.”

Sighing, you closed your eyes, reaching somewhere in you to steel yourself, before opening your eyes and reaching back out, but this time to trace at Jeongguk’s neck, dipping your finger into the crevice of his collarbones, and dragging a hesitant line down his sternum, eyes flicking up to gauge his reaction.

His head was tilted to the side, eyes half shut, but murmured, “Go on.”

You pushed the boundary and placed your palm flat against his stomach, feeling his abs contract and your breaths stuttered. Teeth sinking into your bottom lip, you pulled your hand back to let only your fingertips dance down down down till they reached the seemingly expensive and heavy buckle that held Jeongguk’s lower body in secret. 

In a rush of confidence, you dropped your hand further till you traced at the bulge that strained painfully against his jeans, and you heard the sharp intake from above you. Your eyes slowly dragged up to Jeongguk’s, who gazed at you for a bated breath before launching forward and tugging you into a kiss, laying himself back on the bed and pulling you atop him.

You gasped as his hands found way to the bottom of your ass, and your head tilted back to let out a high pitch noise when he craned his neck up to suck harshly, dropping your head meekly to hide yourself.

“C’mon babe,” Jeongguk encouraged, licking a long stripe up your neck and murmured in you ear, “Whatever you’ve dreamed of doing, do it right now.”

You let out a sound you never thought you could make, the whole scenario too much for you, and you gripped at the sheets.

“Jeongguk,” you gasped, trying to catch his attention. “K-Kiss-”

He let out a bare smile before leaning up and capturing your lips, sealing your lips together and slowly tilting  his head to deepen the kiss, and you fell into him, knees digging onto the sides of his hips.

Something hot was uncurling inside of you, stirring heat inside of you and making you whine, breaking the kiss to sit  up slightly.

Jeongguk glanced up in confusion, and you rushed to explain with frustration, hands coming up to push the hair that fell in front of your forehead back,. “I -I feel hot and it hurts-”

You were rolled around so you were underneath Jeongguk and he growled out, “You’re gonna fucking kill me,” before capturing your lips in another kiss, hands digging in your hips and tugging you up to meet the roll of hips that sent you crying out, head falling back as you gasped out, “Jeongguk oh my god-”

“I’ll take care of you,” Jeongguk hushed, making you nod quickly, before reaching down to play with your shirt. “Can I?”

You hesitated, your insecurities and anxiety climbing up quickly and you moved to sit up when Jeongguk noticed the alarm in your eyes, calming you down with a hand on your hip. “It’s okay, we don’t have to do it.”

You glanced away, embarrassed, feeling yourself grow hot all over, and oddly, you felt tears sprout at the edges of your eyes.

“Hey hey,” Jeongguk leaned down, thumbing at the tears. “I’m sorry was I going too fast? Do you want to stop?”

“No! No it’s just.” you brushed at your tears and stared at Jeongguk’s ear, trying to look at anywhere but his eyes and his painfully bare body. This was the last thing you needed. Were you really crying over not being able to think straight?  “I don’t know what I’m doing and it’s embarrassing.”

“It’s alright.” Jeongguk smirked, though his expression held no mockery - only patience. “I’ll teach you. We have a lot of time. Okay? So don’t worry.”

His words oddly made you feel calmer and you let out a tiny nod, fingertips idly dancing over his body to shake your thoughts away and he let out a tiny laugh, tilting his  head back and commenting in a whisper, “Your fingers seem to be knowing what they’re doing.”

You flushed at the comment, flicking your eyes up to see his eyes shut, before leaning forward and kissing at his beautifully tanned neck, noting the way he flinched but did not move you away, instead humming and letting you kiss up his neck and down before tentatively licking over a point where he groaned.

“God baby,” he dropped his head to your shoulder, “Please let me touch you.”

You whispered out, “Okay,” and he set in motion, kissing from your lips to your shoulder and down your shirt to the hem of your jeans, flicking his lashes up to gaze up to your eyes and push a  tiny peep of your shirt to kiss at the skin there.

You gasped, head tilting back and encouraging him, “It’s okay, go on.”

You felt your nerves catch up to you, and though you gave him the go ahead sign, you threw your arms over your eyes and prepared yourself.

He huffed out a tiny laugh before slowly unbuttoning, placing a kiss once more there before tugging your jeans down your legs, watching in awe as goosebumps broke up, letting his hands slid up your legs to massage into your thighs.

Suddenly you jerked up, grabbing at his hands and saying, “Actually what if I’m not good enough, I think we should stop - “

“Hey.” Jeongguk hushed you, blinking up at you with something hard in his eyes. “Say the word and we’ll stop but don’t you ever say you’re not good enough.”

You gulped at his words, cowering slightly at his firm gaze, somehow ending up nodding and leaning back down. I’ll take care of you, were his words, and you blinked up at the ceiling, telling yourself to trust his words.

Jeongguk, after making sure you were okay, turned his attention back to your body, hands massaging at your skin and leaning down to press kisses here and there.

When his kisses trailed up to the edge of your underwear, he whispered, “I can smell you fuck,” and pressed a hot open mouthed kiss to your mound, making you keen and drop your head back, hands tugging at the sheets.

His fingers were on your hips, toying with the straps of your underwear, before drifting down and pulling it away from your lips, breathing out a light, “holy fuck,” and before you could even think of being shy he dove down, licking a long stripe up and nuzzling deep into you, tongue and teeth scraping and licking at your lips.

“Oh my god-” you choked out, tilting your head to the side as you tried to keep your noises low.

Jeongguk was making down right filthy sounds, licking at your lips and sucking hard, his hands coming up to tug at your thighs away, eyes shut as he feasted like a deprived a man, hands slipping to circle your thighs and hold them in place.

“Oh my god Jeongguk,” you whispered, your voice cracking and you made a bare eye contact with him, his eyes boring into you from below, before you tilted your head to the side, the back of your hand pressing into your mouth as your hips twitched.

“Gonna have to stretch you out baby,” he murmured as he tilted his head to the side, catching the skin in between his teeth to suck bruises on your skin. His tongue lapped at the stinging area, thumbs rubbing soothingly into your skin.“That okay with you?”

“Y-Yes,” you stuttered out, mind reeling at his words, propped up on your elbows and fingers fisted into the sheets. Jeongguk gave you a tiny smirk, eyes flicking up to you with a patch of your skin in between his teeth before he released you and slid into a comfortable position.

Laying flat on his stomach, Jeongguk pressed at your thighs, pushing dangerously them apart, letting his lashes flutter against your skin as he laid his head onto your thigh, watching sideways as he brought a finger up to trace your mound.

An embarrassed whine climbed up your throat at the intensity in his eyes, thighs tensing and Jeongguk caught the movement, laying still but flicking his eyes up to gaze at you with mirth. You parted your lips with narrowed eyes to tell him to quick teasing but -

Jeongguk, with an agonizingly slow pace and fixed gaze, slipped a single finger into you, catching his bottom lip in between his teeth as he watched you swallow up his digit, your walls so fucking tight.

“J-Jeongg-guk-” you gasped, hips jerking as you sunk your teeth into your lips, eyes desperate as you watched Jeongguk hushed you with a turn of his head to kiss at your thigh before pulling his hand back and sinking back into you.

“Oh,” you let a pleased hum and fell back onto the bed, hands coming up to cover your face as you felt the boy’s pace slowly, yet steadily, pick up, the burn against your walls so delicious and slow you felt yourself loose yourself at the ends.

You tried to keep it in, you really did, but the way Jeongguk had propped his chin onto your hip bone to gaze at you with a hot gaze as his arms flexed with how fast he had started to thrust into you made you squirm, whine out breathy sighs of his name up into the air, back arching slightly every moment or so before sinking back into the sheets when his other hand smoothed of the expanse of your skin, warm and heavy before he cupped your hip and pressing down firmly.

You picked up your head to give him a questioning glance before he braced his arm against your hip, pinning you down firmly, before resuming his attack on your lips, hand thrusting into you too fast for you to keep up.

“Jeongguk! P-Please oh,” you twisted your body to the side, your mind short circuiting as the pleasure built, alarmingly fast, that coil inside your gust twisting precariously tighter with each second he crooked his fingers into you.

Jeongguk’s brows came close together as he turned his gaze down to your mound, leaning down to lick at his thumb, inhaling the smell of your sex and groaning, before rubbing hard circles onto  your clit with his slicked thumb, letting out a grunt when you choked out a breathy, “Oh my god.”

You two made eye contact when Jeongguk leaned back down, tongue hanging out to lick up at your clit, his nose brushing against that sensitive bundle on your mound and your legs jerked, hastily trying to press shut as your cheeks burned in shame. 

But Jeongguk’s hands were there, strong and unmoving as he pinned your legs apart, one eyebrow cocking up at you with his lips still firmly lapping at your juices, as if to say wanna try that again?

You let out an apologetic whine, your face feeling hot and sticky as you brought your hand up to run a hand through your hair, one finger ending up in your mouth as you watched him suck at you ruthlessly, making you squirm in agony.

The coil was getting tight, winding you up and making you ache for your release, and you had absolutely no idea how to ask for it, desperation clouding your mind as your hips danced off the sheets, one hand coming down to grip his hair.

“Jeongguk,” you rasped, eyes catching his as he leaned back slightly to bring his hands closer to your mound and spread at the skin there so he could have a better access to your pussy, leaning back in swiftly to suck at your lips, eyes wide and unbashed as he stared up at you.

“Oh god Jeongguk you’re gonna kill me,” you breathed out in one breath, dropping back onto your back. At a particular hard suck, you cried out, a high pitched, “Please!” escaping your lips and loud enough for Jeongguk to move away with a low growl.

Pressing up onto his knees, he watched as your face fell and knees pulled close to hide yourself, hands splayed out next to your head, but Jeongguk simply pried at your knees, eyes dark and promising as he grunted out, “Fuck do you have any idea how good you sound?” You keened back in response.

“God, I’m gonna fuck you so good,” he vowed, leaning over you as he pushed at his jeans down. “Make you scream.”

You tried to ignore the way your body burned alight at the statement, gulping and helping him push the jeans down and kissing him back as he dipped down, hands grabbing at your wrists, tugging them to place around his back.

“Dig in my back if it hurts too much, okay?” he whispered against your lips, one hand dropping to push his boxers down.

You nodded, keeping eye contact with him as he flung his boxers somewhere, breath hitching as you felt something line up at your entrance, a slight whimper escaping you, and Jeongguk instantly froze, eyes flying to you.

“Hey, hey. You’re gonna be fine. We can still back out now, okay? Just give me the word love.”

At your hesitant gaze, he carried on. “Don’t think about me. Just about yourself, okay?”

You blinked up at him, lips slightly trembling, before you steeled yourself. It was okay, right? Jeongguk was experienced, and judging my how slow he went, he knew how anxious you were. If your tapped out, he’d stop instantly, right?

Looping your arms around Jeongguk’s neck, you cheekily whispered, “Say please first.”

Jeongguk stared at you, silent for a split second, before his eyes started to sparkle and he let out a laugh. “You’re really making it hard for me to maintain a bad boy image, you know that?”

You giggled, watching breathlessly as Jeongguk’s face straightened into a serious one and he dipped down, nosing at your cheek before grinning, “Will you let me fuck you, please, Y/N?”

You thought you’d laugh when he’d say it, but the way his body pressed into you and his hands held you made you arch your back and mumble, “Yes, yes, yes.”

Jeongguk aligned himself at your entrance and your toes slightly curled, but Jeongguk’s fingers curled around your chin and pulled you in for a kiss, slow and deep and filled with something you couldn’t quite place, before he slipped in.

The pain was obvious, something that pierced so deep that made you pull away from Jeongguk’s lips and blink up at the ceiling, tears swimming at the edges of your eyes.

“Shh,” Jeongguk hushed, holding his hips square against yours, bowing down and pressing his forehead to the side of your head, kissing at the spot above your ear. “You’re so strong,” he whispered, his voice straining, jaw clenched as his thumb came to wipe at your tears.

“Hurts,” you whimpered, tilting to look at Jeongguk, and he kissed you, keeping your lips pressed together as he whispered, “It’ll become better okay love? Can I move?”

You nodded, hands clutching his bare shoulders, wincing as he pulled out before slipping back in, and though it felt weird, and stung a bit, you started to feel the thrum of pleasure that erupted inside of your body, and you arched up slightly, tossing your head to the side and groaning out, “Jeongguk yes-”

“There we go,” Jeongguk hummed leaning back and pulling back before slamming hard into you and you whined, pleasure burning your insides and making something deep in the pit of your stomach coil tightly.

“J-Jeongguk yes yes please,” you gasped, hands falling from his neck to his chest, bouncing with every thrust of his, your body too hot underneath the layers of clothes.

“Does it feel good baby?” Jeongguk leaned over you, rolling his hips deep into you. “You with me?”

“Jeongguk,” you gasped, glaring up at him playfully, “Stop talking and use those hips more.”

A slight of a smile erupted on his face before he pulled back and thrusted deeply inside, purring at the way you cried out.

“You gonna cum for me baby?” he asked at the way your face pinched. “Gonna come so quickly?”

Your cheeks bursted into flames and you tilted your head to the side, keening at the way he hit that one spot, the coil tightening  by every second.

“Jeongguk I think I ‘m-”

“Go on baby,” Jeongguk hummed into your ear, voice thick with lust, hips picking up in pace as he hiked your legs around his waist. “Come for me love.”

You cried out, hand in his hair and other covering your mouth as the pace picked up and you came, back arching and a high pitched cry erupting out of your mouth.

“Oh, oh,” you kept chanting as you came down from your high, arms looped around Jeongguk and cheek pressed to his shoulder. A shiver went through you as you felt his hands dig into your hips and he slowed to a stop, mumbling out a tight, “You okay?”

Nodding, you caught your breathe before asking, “Aren’t you gonna…?”

“It’s fine,” he moved to pull out but you tightened your grip on his waist, pressing your forehead to his neck. “Go on.”

He hesitated for a second before making sure with a “Really?” before slipping his hips back and slamming into you, and every thrust sent shivers into you, making you whimper into his ear, all while he murmured, “That’s it, good girl.”

You expected the time after sex to be awkward, but you found it to be comfortable.

Jeongguk had cleaned you up, claiming that you’d regret it in the morning if you didn’t, and pulled the covers over you, tossing a shirt and boxers to you to change into.

It required no extensive knowledge that he expected you to stay the night, and you found yourself following, slipping on the clothes and crawling under the covers.

When Jeongguk reappeared a half hour later, he was dressed in just his boxers, hair messed up in a glorified way that screamed sex-god.

He gave you a smile, a tiny one, before he slipped into bed, picking his head up to mumble out a “Goodnight” before leaning forward and clicking the light off to send the room  into pitch black darkness.

[omgryan351-blog]

On Intercessory Prayer, Reiki and the Greater Good

Intercessory Prayer is the place you offer to God that something you need will occur or that something you don't require won't occur. In these cases, you are referencing that God "mediate" for your preferred position. It has been a touch of most religions for a long time and ages. Regardless, accomplishes it work?

In all actuality, a few years sooner an assessment ( Study of the Therapeutic Effects of Intercessory Prayer (STEP) in heart avoid patients: a multicenter randomized basic of shortcoming and sureness of getting intercessory claim. Am Heart J.2006 Apr;151(4):934-42) was finished by a party of agents (Benson H, Dusek JA, Sherwood JB, Lam P, Bethea CF, Carpenter W, Levitsky S, Hill PC, Clem DW JR, Jain MK, Drumel D, Kopecky SL, Mueller PS, Marek D, Rollins S, Hibberd PL.) The assessment offered the impact of solicitation a chance the pace of tries following coronary deftly course stay away from combine (CABG) clinical procedure Breakthrough Prayer .

Three get-togethers of patients were related with the appraisal: the individuals who were prompted they would get intercessory claim to support their recuperation (601 patients,) the individuals who were told they may get intercessory demand and did (601 patients,) and the individuals who were told they may possibly get it in any case didn't (597 patients.) Quoting from the speculative: RESULTS: In the 2 social affairs sketchy about getting intercessory appeal, loads happened in 52% (315/604) of patients who got intercessory demand versus 51% (304/597) of the individuals who didn't (relative threat 1.02, 95% CI 0.92-1.15). Difficulties happened in 59% (352/601) of patients sure of getting intercessory demand separated and the 52% (315/604) of those unsure of enduring intercessory advance (relative risk 1.14, 95% CI 1.02-1.28). Basic occasions and 30-day mortality were equivalent over the 3 get-togethers. Terminations: Intercessory demand itself had no impact on chaos free recuperation from CABG, yet sureness of getting intercessory claim was associated with a higher repeat of complexities.

What are we to think about that? Is it conceivable that intrigue could make more prominent complexities happen? One may battle that if the patients recognized they were being locked in God for, they may have gone up against more challenges or may have improved a than normal undertaking in isolation to recover. Regardless, we are discussing post-usable complexities, not way of life changes. The employable factors here are passing occasions rapidly fusing the clinical system, not steady way of life factors with since quite a while back, reinforced proposals.

Obviously this assessment was done with astounding sound structure, purposefully spread out. In any case, in their authentic conviction, the scientists neglect to consider factors that make reality work. In the affirmations of a persistent accomplice "they utilized horrendous exacting perspective." on a significant level I concur with this, yet I would word it in a frightening way. In my view the best factor these scientists dismissed was that of unpretentiousness. Certainly, the truth is unusual most definitely: HUMILITY.

Where did I consider that thought? Hold tight for me here - this gets somewhat tangled. Beforehand a companion comfortable me with the solicitation for Reiki. On the off chance that you are intrigued about this, Reiki is such a noteworthiness that urges the body's capacity to recoup itself. At any rate that is the authority, at an advantageous time clarification. Magnanimous, at any rate it is far past that!

As per the force starting clarification, an individual who has been available to Level One Reiki can on a very basic level lay their hands on somebody and similarly move some centrality that will help with modifying state a physical issue or a touch of the recipient's body that has torment. Notwithstanding the way that the instrument of development isn't obvious to me even until today, the essential idea was central enough. I was unimaginably mindful, at any rate the practically identical day I as of late found a few solutions concerning it, I permitted my partner to give me the "attunement" that moved this recuperating vitality to my hands. In coming about months I utilized it every once in a while for minor a throbbing painful quality, about in a relative vein as that wherein Bensen and Dusek's social affair completed their assessment on request: "to check whether it worked!"

While clearly it was not engage and couldn't do the incredible, after a short time, this showing of Reiki had earned enough as far as anyone knows that I comprehended the open door had shown up to develop my abilities to the going with level. In Level Two Reiki I had heard, it was conceivable, not exclusively to move the fixing centrality in a hands-on way, yet despite send it to a craving. Actually it was even conceivable to send it over parcels to help recuperate somebody extravagantly far away to genuinely contact. I pushed toward the multi day instructional social affair with some extent of disquiet. I was enabled in any case pushed: "would I say I was being cleared into something superfluously 'out there' for my for the most part 'at the present time' self?"

Bearing the instructional course, one idea jumped out at me as basic. "Reiki should dependably be utilized for "everyone's bit of leeway." You can't utilize it to control individuals." For instance, you were unable to send Reiki to the target that your most recognizably ghastly foe will break his leg. Not that I was expecting to control or damage anybody, yet this was enthralling to me. What was this "more obvious mind boggling" the instructor discussed? Who precisely would pick everyone's bit of leeway in some subjective circumstance??? While I promptly comprehended the probability that one couldn't control an individual or a condition with Reiki, it was some time before I comprehended the hugeness of the chance of "everyone's bit of leeway."

Not long after the instructional social event, I was delineating my new Level Two Reiki aptitudes to a mate - a non-demanding accomplice, who I thought would be correspondingly questionable - when to my amaze she reported "Liberal, so it would appear that request by at that point!" all things being equal I was insulted and paralyzed by this. My perspective on request at the time took in the wake of referencing charm. I was not inclined to addressing God for solitary kindnesses from a human God I didn't take trust in - and I was cheerful for it.

In any case I kept utilizing the Reiki and after some time my view of it kept making. A tiny bit at a time I came to see that piece of what was gathered by that "more fundamental unprecedented" included having the HUMILITY to comprehend that what I need to occur in some discretionary circumstance may not be the best thing by and large. With this brilliant mechanical gathering in my grasp - permitting me to send correcting vitality to a wide extent of clashing conditions and to individuals with different sicknesses - by what strategy may I have the choice to, in my bound humanness, know all the variables? In some unpredictable condition, whatever target I sent to, I would need to permit that I didn't in actuality comprehend what result would be great. I held no choice to choose and ask that MY WILL be done - I could basically send criticalness to "everyone's preferred position" and trust the Reiki, or whoever was offering it, to "know" the capability.

Here is an ideal model that was going on definitely at the open entryway I was coming to full assertion of this. One of my kinfolk was experiencing inconvenience in his marriage. I chose to send Reiki to his relationship with his life partner. Understanding "everyone's bit of leeway" thought necessitated that I have the HUMILITY to get that, much as I had a solid trust in the relationship being insinuated thrive, my sending Reiki could have the impact of helping it to end. My sending Reiki derived surrendering my eagerness for the result and tolerating that my endeavors would help "everyone's favorable position" with occurring - regardless of whether that proposed I would push the non-bolstered result. In the event that it was the ideal open entryway for their relationship to end, my Reiki could assist that with happening snappier, potentially with less wretchedness and malignance, yet end regardless. It was an authentic undertaking for me to perceive this. Much as I taking advantage of my sister in law, and much as I didn't require my kinfolk detached, I expected to perceive that my place was basically to send "for everyone's potential benefit in their relationship." ...and NOT to the point of attempting to spare their marriage!

Reliably, there were different chances to help individuals by sending Reiki. Some gave signs of progress, some kicked the bucket. Some developed, some got disconnected. The open door for lowliness started from recognizing it was not I who was answerable for the framework, regardless of whether you need to call it bid, Reiki or crazy reasoning. I expected to understand how to build up the quietude to see that everyone's favorable position (whoever or such a being was picking absolutely what that more significant inconceivable was) was something past my insight and outside my ability to get a handle on.

So if Reiki looks like solicitation, and as a general rule, straightforwardly these years a while later, I can say I perceive how it is - it isn't so essential to whom precisely you importune. In the event that there is an eminent being up there with any ordinariness or viewpoint, he would perceive your solicitation, your relating or your Reiki sending, paying little notice to who or what you think you are sending it to. Just a man-made, minimal detested god would essentially look at petitions sent explicitly to a limited idea of him in light of a specific objective from a specific get-together of his family, to the degree anyone knows maintained by him over all the rest!

[maxerikson]

My Career Troubles

Throughout my life I have had trouble with my career choices. During my early elementary school years, I obviously had no idea what I wanted to be when I grew up. It was only around the fourth grade that I began taking my own aspirations somewhat seriously. Throughout the rest of my time in elementary school and middle school, I had a lot of different career aspirations: Detective, archaeologist, music producer, photographer, cook, restaurant manager, and seaman. Those last two were the results of taking a career aptitude test. However, it was not until late into my second semester of the eighth grade that I thought I realized what I should be: a video game writer.

Well, not exactly. I wanted to be the person who came up with the ideas for video games, but I had no idea what title that person went by. I eventually learned that they were called a “game designer,” but then I found out that “designer” is what every member of the development team is called, and then I found out that the person in charge of a game’s development is called the “director”. However, the idea for a game doesn’t always come from the director—it can come from any member of the development. Besides, “video game director” is a position you have to be promoted to, so I would have to start as something else.

Unfortunately, I did not learn most of this until the twelfth grade. I think I was late into the school year too by this time. I tried finding as much information as I could throughout high school, but it was not until I was about to graduate that I found anything that was actually helpful. Also, there are barely any video game companies in the state I grew up in. The number one problem is that this type of career goal requires a good fallback or backup career; although I feel like everyone should have some sort of backup for their primary career goals, regardless of what those goals are. This lack of a secondary career path led to one of the biggest mistakes in my life: rushing into college.

I graduated from an online high school in August 2010, and then enrolled in college the very next month. I chose retail management as my major, thinking that I could pursue a career in selling video games as my backup for a career in creating video games. However, I badly needed a job to pay for tuition, and I eventually stopped doing my assignments to focus more on the job hunt. I really should have thought it over more. By the way, I promised myself that I would never, ever take out a loan in my entire life, so student loans were not an option for me. I loathe the idea of having to spend the rest my life paying back money.

Over a year after I first enrolled in college, I enrolled in a career school, choosing hotel/restaurant management as my major. This time, I did put a good amount of thought into this decision before going through with it, and I had help from family to pay for tuition. Then I had my first lesson. Right there, in the very first text that I was assigned to read, I was told that a diploma in hotel/restaurant management did not mean anything without some work experience. I should have switched majors right then and there, because it was basically telling me that this entire course was pointless, but no, I didn’t; I stuck with the course, earned my diploma, and then failed miserable at finding any sort of job at any hotel or restaurant. I think the biggest problems were that I had written that I would not cook meat in my resume, and that I lived in a town full of close-minded people who did not believe in online education.

At some point while reading this, you were probably thinking, “Why not aim for a degree in computer science? That way you could get a job as a video game programmer, and you would have computer skills that could get you jobs in several other industries as well.” That is because I hated computers, and did not want any job that revolved around them. However, in late 2012, I realized that computers are just going to become more and more important in every job out there, so I had to get more used to them. I decided to go all-in with this and re-enrolled in college for an associate of science in graphic design.

On December 3, 2015, after almost three years of College Take Two, I earned my degree; but there were two problems. Halfway through my course, I realized that I care way more about the stories and characters from my video game ideas than I did actual gameplay, and that I should be trying to turn my ideas into TV shows instead of video games. That’s actually how they started out, by the way. During the second half of elementary school, I began coming up with ideas for TV shows. Late into middle school, I imagined those shows getting video game adaptations. I then exclusively imaged them as video games. As a result, when thinking about what I should do for a career, I decided I should turn these imaginary games into reality. The second problem was that there was way less demand for graphic designers than I thought, at least where I lived. I pretty much had to apply to jobs out of state, but no-one was willing to do interviews over the phone or webcam. I couldn’t even get jobs in cities I could drive to, because I never got my driver’s license! I couldn’t, there was no-one to teach me and I hate driving!

It took so long to get hired for a job that was related to my field. I eventually got a work-from-home contract job as a photo editor, adding new backgrounds to pictures of cars and trucks so they could be used for advertisements. I hated this job. At first, it was OK. I was fine with it. Over time, I got better at it; but at some point, I peaked, and there were just not enough tasks for me to take. Not only was I never able to make enough money to move out and live on my own, but I eventually got worse at the job, which got more and more stressful as the solitude and monotony got to me.

After a year of working at this job, I decided that I needed a change in career. After three months of carefully thinking about it, I enrolled at my local community college to get a degree in therapeutic massage. Unfortunately, I was unwilling to ask my relatives to help me cover tuition again, and my photo editing job wasn’t paying enough to help, so I had to take out a student loan. I promised myself I would never take out a loan, and I broke that promise. To this day, I hate myself for doing that.

Towards the end of my first semester, I quit my job as a photo editor, which was negatively affecting my health. I got one A and three B’s for my first semester, but I dropped two of my second semester classes before it ended. I could no longer get a degree in massage therapy, but I could still get a vocational certificate. However, I had to transfer to another school in another state. I was homeless during my time at this college, and the massage therapy class was in danger of shutting down due to a lack of students. I liked massage therapy, but I had to drop out.

Now I’m living in Canada with my birth family, working another job I hate while waiting out a pandemic so I can find a job in retail or entertainment. There is a lesson here that I want everyone reading this to take away from my story: do your researching and think very carefully about what you want to do for a career. Do not rush into college before knowing what you want to study or what you want to do once you graduate. If you don’t know what to do by the time you finish high school, then take a year off; take two if you have to! Just don’t rush into your post-high school life, or you may just regret it.

[kimmysfandomblog]

3, 17, 32?

3. Did you have a character you hated at first, and thenfell in love with? Who and why?

I feel like I may get hate for this? But honestly, it’s Korekiyo.I came into NDRV3 having been somewhat spoiled by what happens in the game, soI was already quite disgusted by him without even knowing who he was. He hasthis creepy vibe to him that reminds me of Orochimaru from the Naruto series.What changed my mind was just the FTEs. I think for anyone who’s never playedevery one of the FTEs, the only impression you get from him is the creep whohad a nasty crush on his sister and killed two characters. However, his FTE’struly fascinated me! A the time NDRV3 came out, I think I was just about finishedwith my last course for the Making of the Modern World series of classes thatwas a part of my general education requirements of my college, so I grew toreally appreciate work by historians and anthropologists. His was a lot aboutstories and it was like he was teaching Saihara about them. The silliest onewas about Saihara trying to see how it is Korekiyo ate XD It just… vanishesinto the mask for no reason… XDDD

So yeah, very much a surprise to me that I actually likedhim a lot… now if only they didn’t add the last-minute subplot for a punch inthe stomach to end your trial, eh?

17. List five headcanons for your favorite characters!

My favorite character is, of course, Hinata!

Hinata’s parents were somewhat neglectful, theway parents who both work to make ends meet are. It’s not that they didn’t wantto pay attention, so much as they were so focused on providing for the familyfinancially that they didn’t see the signs of Hinata’s internal strife of notbeing enough for them to pay attention to. I think what could have happened inregards to the Kamukura Project is that Hope’s Peak selected Hinata specificallybecause he’d be able to disappear without many people missing him. They proposedhe be a part of a program that would give him talents and enter him into themain course, ensuring his safety and the importance of his participation, gavehim the illusion of choice, didn’t tell him the full details (basically he’d goto sleep and wake up a new person after an induced coma is how they’d describedit), advertised it to him and his parents like that, and when it came tosigning the contract, they purposely left out the details and told them to signthe papers for human experimentation, not letting them have much time to readit and understand it.

Hinata’s actually obsessed with likes kusamochibecause of the context of it… New Year’s is both his birthday and the only timehim and his family have off and can celebrate together. Kusamochi wasn’tsomething he liked as a kid, but seeing how happy it made his parents to seehim eating it with them, he forced it down and eventually just grew accustomed tothe flavor.

Hinata moved from a small town to Tokyo/whereverHope’s Peak is located just in the last year of middle school. He was atransfer to a school where everyone already had their cliques and friends, andwas finding it incredibly hard to adjust. The students of that school weresimply not welcoming to him. Maybe they wouldn’t do anything, but there was a lot of gossiping behind his back. Anyonewho he tried to befriend, they’d be discouraged from doing so because someonemade nasty rumors about him and his family. (Maybe the truth is that Hinata’sparents work for a company that no one liked? Or their job was “distasteful” tothe community, where in their old town it didn’t really matter). He knew ofHope’s Peak, but nothing of the admission process and people in Tokyo are a lotmore obsessed with talent and status where he went to school, so he ended upgetting obsessed with it to, to get back at the other students, to make hisparents proud, to make him feel like he actually did matter in this world.

When he woke up, he realized he was havingdifficulty expressing emotion. It worried Togami, and Kirigiri to a degree, butNaegi was the one coaxing him out of the capsule. He was the last to be let outsimply because, on the off-chance the survivors woke up as Remnants of Despair,it’s be pretty much impossible to take down Kamukura Izuru. Although he wasn’tvisibly reacting all that much at first, still disoriented from figuring outwhat he even was at this point, he realized… he was himself. He’d respond toboth names because he was both and both were him. There wasn’t really a plural,he was one and the same. He had memories as Hinata before the surgery, asKamukura after it and up until he got into the capsule, and then as Hinata inthe program. Although there was a change in personality, as Kamukura was moreirritated and bored, he still related to Kamukura. Once he’d accepted it, hecould accept he’d have a lot to atone for and there was a lot of work he neededto do for the future of his friends and the world.

Hinata can’t use his talents as well as he had beenable to when he was barred from emotions completely. He can use it best when he’sby himself and can pretty much go into a state of Zen, the closest he gets tobeing unemotional. The more emotions he has, the less able he is to use most ofhis talents. The only thing he retains, really, is his physical attributes. Whenwith friends, it is harder to use his talents, but he still does at an equal orgreater level as them in those talents (like, he matches Souda’s and Hanamura’stalent level, but far surpasses Komaeda’s luck because Hinata’s luck worksdifferently). However, this is also why he prefers to always have friends. Whenhe is alone and has no use for talent, he projects Nanami in his mind, and sheacts as a therapeutic buffer against his emotional shutdown. Whenever he’spulled back into shenanigans with his classmates, however, she goes awaybecause she isn’t needed anymore.

32. Which two characters from different games do you believewould get along the most?

I think there’s a few obvious pairs XD As one of the mods ofHinaegi Festival, I have to say that’s pretty much number one on this list! Ithink that there is a lot that Naegi and Hinata could learn from each other,and a lot they can relate to. Both of them kind of ended up as leaders,although none of it was their intention. They are natural leaders because they care for people and kind of know how totalk to them. I think that if you consider FTE’s to be canon, then they mighteven just have a natural empathy. One of the things I desire the most is to beable to do FTE events with Naegi or Hinata because of how little we really knowabout their background. And sure, they both describe themselves as being normalkids leading normal lives… but no one is perfectly normal. I just really thinkthey’d get along. Now, there could be some clashes… specifically thinking aboutpost-canon Naegi re-opening Hope’s Peak Academy. Hinata didn’t have fondmemories of that school, even though Naegi kind of did. However, their goal ispretty similar- a brighter future. They both can see the light in the peoplewho lead dark lives and can forgive them for it because of their past ordeals.I can see them teaming up to come up with plans in how to stamp out the lastremaining Remnants of Despair in a way that cures Despair instead of adding toit. I can even see Naegi figuring out a way to get Hinata and his classmatesintegrated into society, safely, and him and Hinata arranging meetings everyonce and a while to catch up. I’m kind of rambling XD My point is that they’dbe really understanding of each other, can complain about the shenanigans theirclassmates get into, talk about themselves for once instead of always being theempathetic ear, and just enjoying each other’s company!

[independentauthor]

Breathless Reality Tom Holland X Original Character

Multi Chapter

Full summary: 21 year old Sydney is just trying to make dreams come true by touring the world, creating music, and making unforgettable memories. But some dreams you can’t make come true, they just happen on their own. Tom Holland falling in love with her was the most unexpected dream come true of all.

Warnings for full fic: Fluff, angst, mentions of sex, mentions of past trauma, and smutt  (please let me know if I miss anything!)  

Chapter summary: Just a little bit of drama starts to unfold 

Chapter 10

Harrison was laughing at a joke that Ali had just told, Tom was fighting the urge to laugh along while playing with my hair, and I was smiling at my cereal.

Sitting at the table in the front lounge of the bus, I couldn’t believe how lucky I was. Here I was, at the mere age of 21, successful in my chosen career with unwavering support of family and friends and now dating a guy I could never have even dreamed up. That alone was more than enough. But as I sat there I realized that both mine and Tom’s best friends seemed to more than get along well. It was simply good fortune that we could spend time like this as a foursome and have a great time.

“Are you going to eat your cereal or just smile at it?” Ali asked me.

I gave her an annoyed look but smiled.

“Come on love, you’ll need your strength today,” Tom said, coming to my rescue as he continued to run his fingers through my hair.

Soon we were all done eating and getting ready to leave. We rode in a big SUV to the radio station’s studio where we met the rest of my team and got ready.

It dawned on me that Tom had not really officially met anyone besides Robbie and Ali.

I introduced him to Jess, then the band Joe, Reggie, Alex, and Mark, and finally Toby.

He smiled and shook hands with everyone, and introduced Harrison with ease. It was amazing to me how calm he was at meeting so many people. To me there was a big difference between meeting fans and work related people, and meeting people you were actually expected to remember, know, and interact with.

But it didn’t seem to bother him one bit.

I on the other hand knew that I would be panicking. Over the years I had managed to create a very cool and confident exterior that I wore almost at all times. I had perfected it to the point where most people didn’t even know I had social anxiety. It never crossed people’s minds that I might deal with mental health issues or that I had been through and was still in therapy. It often surprised people that I dealt with these issues whenever I talked about it.

I kept my mental health somewhat private, not going into depth with details, but I liked to be honest with the fans and let them know that they were not alone and that I certainly was not as perfect as I pretended to be.

Soon I was sitting in a chair with the guys, head set on, and ready to go.

Tom grinned at me through the studio window.

He was stood with his arms folded over his chest next to Harrison, Ali, and Toby who were all watching.

The interviewers, Kelly and Sam, told us we were just about ready.

“Okay,” Kelly said, “We are live in three, two . . .”

“Hey guys what is happening? We are here with Sydney, Alex, Mark, Reggie, and Joe!” Sam said excitedly into his microphone, “Welcome to the show!”

“Thank you,” I said, smiling widely.

“We are so excited to have you guys on the show, and are glad you could make it on your last day of you country wide tour!” Kelly said.

“Thank you,” I repeated, “We’re excited to be here.”

“So tell us, Sydney, what is it like to be finishing up this tour?” Sam asked.

“Well it’s pretty surreal. I mean we’ve been working on this tour for months before it started and now it’s actually coming to a close. But I couldn’t be more proud of the work we’ve done,” I replied.

They went on to ask us each questions about our best and worst moments on the tour, our favorite fan meetings, and about the new album. Most of the questions I had been pretty well prepared for. But there was one I wasn’t quite ready for.

“So Sydney,” Sam said, “There have been a lot of rumors about you and Tom Holland.”

My blood ran cold.

“Is there anything you want to say to those rumors?”

I swallowed.

I knew Tom was staring at me. I could feel his eyes glued to me. He was probably just as stunned as I was. We had talked this morning about how we wanted to handle this, but not in a lot of detail.

I wanted to hit myself in the face. I should have been prepared for this. The photos of us from the premier had only been able to spark rumors that I had been easily able to brush off in the past by saying that we had only just become friends. But the ones of us from last night were more than enough to confirm that something else was going on.

I could either lie.

Or tell the truth.

“Well,” I opened my mouth, unsure of what I was going to say, “Tom and I met at the premiere of Avengers and became really close friends. We’ve only just started dating.”

“So you two are together?” Kelly asked.

“Yes we are,” I said, with a slight nod of my head.

“Well that’s exciting! Congratulations!” Sam said with a smile.

“Thank you,” was all I was able to say.

And just like that it was out.

Joe quickly jumped in and the conversation moved back towards the band and tonight’s show, leaving me behind in a daze. I would have to thank him later.

I slowly turned my head to get a small glance at Tom.

He was grinning at me.

I’m not sure what I had expected, maybe that he would be upset or be happy. But I had not expected him to be smug.

“Well thank you guys so much for coming on the show today!” Kelly said.

“Thank you for having us,” I responded.

“And good luck at tonight’s show!” Sam said, ending the interview.

“We’re off the air,” the sound booth’s operator said through the speaker.

We all got up, taking off our headsets, and shook hands, saying more thanks and goodbyes.

Tom grabbed my hand the second I was out of the door, pulling me towards him.

“You were great love,” he said, putting his arm around me, kissing my forehead.

“You’re just glad I was the one who had to break the news,” I said grumpily, with a knowing look.

He tried to suppress a smile but he was not successful as a laugh escaped him.

Quickly, he covered his mouth.

“Sorry love,” he said, “But we both know you’re much better at these things than I am. I’m much more likely to say or do something stupid.”

“Yes but if you didn’t then who would inspire all of the memes?” I teased.

“Hey!” he said warningly, a smile on his lips as he pulled me in closer.

We laughed as we left the studio and headed back into the SUV.

“Well I think that went very well,” Ali said, getting settled next to Harrison.

Tom slid his arm over my shoulders and I rested my head against his chest.

“Do you now?” I asked.

“Of course! You handled all the questions really well,” she said with admiration.

“Even the one I had no prep for?” I asked bluntly.

“Yes,” she said, nodding her head, unfazed “Well I think those are the types of questions that you and Tom can decide on together.”

“You didn’t used to think that,” I said with an arched eyebrow.

Shit.

As soon as the words left my mouth I knew I had screwed up. I had completely overlooked the fact that Tom and I’d had no real discussion of our past relationships. And I certainly didn’t want to start one now.

Ali cleared her throat.

“So Harrison . . .” she started, quickly changing the subject.

But it was not enough to get past Tom.

He looked at me with an expression I couldn’t quite place.

I gave him a small smile and then looked down, taking a deep breath.

He seemed to decide this was not the time or place to ask any questions, but I knew he eventually would.

Soon we were back at the bus, outside the venue, and I was getting jittery.

“Okay, take a few minutes, but I think I already see some fans outside the door,” Ali said to me.

“Sounds good,” I nodded.

Tom smiled at me.

I knew he was burning with questions.

But Ali stepped in.

“First I need to talk to you,” she said, grabbing my arm and pulling me to the back of the bus, leaving Tom and Harrison standing there.

“Oh my God Sydney!” she whispered.

“I know, I know!” I hissed back, “I can’t believe it! I just totally blanked!”

“Well now what?” she asked.

“I have no idea,” I said, rubbing my arm.

“You better figure something out,” she said.

“Yeah I know. I’m going to have to talk to him about it,” I whispered miserably.

“Well you would have eventually,” she said reasonably.

“Yeah, just not now,” I said, looking back to the front of the bus, “And what the hell I am I supposed to do about all the fans? I mean I don’t know how to handle that kind of attention when it comes to my personal life.”

“We’ll just take it one step at a time,” Ali said, putting her hand on my shoulder.

“Okay,” I nodded.

We walked back to the front of the bus.

“You ready to go outside?” Ali asked.

“Yeah just give me one sec,” I answered as Tom took my hand in his.

“Did you want me to go with you or wait here?” he asked.

“Um,” I said, unsure of my answer, “Why don’t you wait here and then we’ll go in for sound check?”

“Okay,” he nodded before kissing my hand, “But before you go, how’s this?” he asked, showing me his phone.

He had his Instagram opened to his newest post of only a few minutes ago. It was a picture of me at the Avengers premiere with the caption “My girl” with the fire and heart emoji following it.

“Thank you,” I said, smiling and leaning into him so that he could kiss my forehead.

“You’re welcome,” he muttered into the top of my head, “Now go on, I’ll be here.”

I smiled at him before walking out the door of the bus.

There were a lot of fans waiting outside the venue. In a way it was easier for me to breathe when I was around the fans. It kept me humble and reminded me of why I did what I did. Sure it was therapeutic for me to express myself, but it was to help other people feel like they weren’t alone.

But today I was on edge. This information about me and Tom was sure to hit big.

I’d only had one other relationship in my life and most of it was during the beginning of my success. Most of it was kept in the dark because I was fairly young and my boyfriend of that time was a bit older than I was. He also was not in the limelight so it was easy to keep the public out of it.

This was different. For one, my fan base had grown exponentially. There were a lot of people who were interested in what I did. And for another, Tom’s fan base was larger than mine by thousands. There were many more eyes on him, especially with the movie having just come out.

If you put all of that together, we were sitting under a giant microscope.  

At first this meeting with the fans seemed like any other. They had all different reactions to meeting me, they asked me to sign all different things, and pose for all different pictures. I couldn’t help but smile and try to hug everyone I could reach.

Maybe I had been worried about nothing.

Then someone handed me a photo of me and Tom at the premiere for me to sign.

I stopped dead in my tracks.

All of the sudden it seemed like a whirlwind. Everyone wanted to talk to me about Tom. I didn’t know where to look, what to do. I felt like I was being berated with questions. Questions I did not know how to answer.

Suddenly Ali was there, pulling me away.

Then the door shut behind me.

I exhaled.

The look on my face must have been concerning because Ali put her arm around my shoulder, in an attempt to calm me down.

And Tom’s face.

It was not a happy one.

I had never seen him look like that.

Half angry and half afraid.

“Sydney,” he said, taking me into his arms.

They thought I didn’t notice, but Ali and Harrison exchanged a look.

At first I returned his embrace, leaning into his chest, feeling like it was exactly what I needed. But then I realized it was not what Tom needed, to feel like I was upset.

           “I’m fine,” I said, breaking out of his arms.

I didn’t want to see the look on his face as I walked away towards the back of the bus. But I knew he was hurt. And I could feel his eyes on my back.

I closed the bathroom door behind me, and slid down onto the floor with a silent sob. I didn’t want anyone to hear me as the panic finally got me. I breathed through it the best I could, just waiting for it to be over. I didn’t want anyone to come looking for me.

Finally my breathing returned to normal and I was able to stand. Quickly I gathered myself back up.

“Pull it together,” I said to myself in the mirror.

One last breath and I opened the door.

But he was there.

He seemed surprised by me.

I realized he had just been about to knock on the door.

“Are you okay?” Tom asked, taking my hand in his as he brushed hair away from my face with the other.

“Yeah,” I said, looking down. His eyes were on me and I couldn’t face them, “I’m fine.”

He tilted my head up with his index finger under my chin. His other arm snaked it’s way around my middle. His eyes searched mine.

At first I thought I had convinced him, but then he seemed to find what he was looking for as his eyes widened.

“Guys come on! Sound check!” Ali called, waving us to the front.

“Coming,” Tom said without looking away from my face.

His lips tightened into a fine line.

He was certainly not happy.

“I’m in trouble aren’t I?” I asked before I realized what I was saying.

He hesitated.

“Yes, yes you are,” he said, nodding his head.

I bit my lip.

He took a big breath and suddenly leaned down to kiss me with a kiss that would have put me on the ground had he not been holding onto me. I couldn’t help it as my hands found their way into his hair. I stood up on my toes to get closer to him.Tom abruptly broke away with what sounded like a frustrated grunt. He looked away from me and then shook his head. When he looked back at me he still had some anger in his eyes. But he tightened his grip on me and pulled me towards the front of the bus.

[gffa]

Scattered Star Wars/etc. thoughts: - I’m still not entirely here, I’m mostly resting and binge-watching TV (I finished The Haunting of House Hill and I really enjoyed it a lot!) and sleeping a truly ridiculous amount, because the pain makes me so exhausted.  Give me a few more days to sort this out and then I’ll be in a social mood again! - Thanks to @jerioxy, they pointed me towards this thread on reddit where the erissays person definitely straight up copied parts of lot of my various meta posts word-for-word (I recognized at least three separate ones) and it’s sort of a weird feeling to have. I’m not particularly bothered (even if I think they kind of missed the point I ultimately wind my way towards: blaming the Jedi for Anakin’s inability to deal with his ~passionate feelings~ doesn’t work because Star Wars is about choice and if it’s someone else’s fault, then it’s not about the themes of choice anymore, as well as the Jedi’s teachings were therapeutic ways of dealing with those passionate feelings, this is why 99% of the Jedi we see in canon who actually apply the teachings work out just fine, even when they’re thrown into a dark-side fueled galaxy that assaults them on a psychic level they couldn’t have been prepared for, which isn’t to say that they weren’t eaten away at with fear and the dark side, but instead that their teachings were not the root of the problem, ANYWAY, MOONLIGHT HAS FEELINGS, NEWS AT ELEVEN, BUT I’M GETTING OFF TRACK)-- as I was saying, I’m not particularly bothered by this, since it wasn’t copying entire posts and passing them off as their own, as well as, hey, if someone is out there at least somewhat trying to fight the good fight about how much fanon and Imperial propaganda is out there re: the Jedi, I’m fine with using my meta to help. Generally, as long as it’s not copying entire posts or using it to be an asshole or write screaming diatribes against it or being passive aggressive and writing shitty ~vagueblogs~ about people (which I see plenty of, I’m just not going to respond to because that kind of poor behavior really isn’t ever worth it), I’m not too terribly fussed about these things.  It’s the same with my gifs and edits--as long as someone’s not taking entire posts without credit, as long as they’re not using them for asshole purposes, use your best judgement!  Credit is great, mostly because I want to talk to more fun people, but you don’t have to ask ahead of time if you feel shy (like I very often do), etc. - I started listening to The Silmarillion audiobook again and it strikes me all over again how it really is a book you almost have to read two or three times to really get everything.  It’s a very dry book, it’s a historical retelling, rather than a story with a strong character narrative, but the sheer worldbuilding of it it always draws me and the way fandom has really run with the characters and breathed even more life into them always delights me. Also, where is my 200k+ “Glorfindel joins the Dwarves’ Quest” fic based on that one post that goes around every so often?  Because JUST THE THOUGHT still delights me! - I’ve been listening to a lot of panels from SW authors and animators and it’s always really fascinating to hear the mindset of what goes into the projects, the behind the scenes stuff is interesting for itself, but also for this sense of a better understanding of how this all works.  That we, as fans, are operating with a different mindset than creators are (see: The Rule Of Cool is often times pretty much the entire motivation for including something, not because it’s meant to say something on a character/worldbuilding level, or also see: Animation budgets are SUCH A THING about why some elements of a story aren’t included) and it further reminds me of that Gillen quote about how he keeps an aura of mystery about Darth Vader, that to do otherwise would ruin the epic feeling of the character, meanwhile I’m over here like NO I’M GONNA DIG INTO EVERY TINY LITTLE MICROSCOPIC CHOICE ANAKIN FUCKED UP BECAUSE THAT’S WHERE I LIVE WITH THE CHARACTER. Which is a huge difference between how fans and creators approach something. It always strikes me when George Lucas talks about Star Wars, so much of what went into the movies for him was about the technical stuff, the pushing the boundaries of what he could show in a scene.  It’s not that he didn’t care about the characters and the story and the themes!  He very much did!  And you can find him talking about those things sometimes!  But he spends just as much time (and sometimes more) talking about camera angles and set designs and stuff. It’s the same for author creators who talk at panels, that I’m sure there’s more than they’re getting into, especially because these aren’t their characters and they have to be very aware of that.  They’re telling stories that are incredibly dear and important to them!  But always they have to understand that, when they approach a franchise like this, owned by someone else, these aren’t their stories, they have to be willing to give them over.  And that they have a ton of freedom in some ways, but listening to the technical challenges of a series like Rebels or listening to someone talk about how, yeah, they can use Ahsoka in their book, but they should run it by Dave first, just really illustrates a lot of fascinating stuff about a multi-creator franchise and how you can catch glimpses of how it works. (I don’t pretend that I know everything, because I very much do not!  Just that a LOT of what I’ve tried to include in my understanding of Star Wars is the acknowledgement of those elements’ inclusion, while ALSO balancing it with my own desires as a Star Wars fan and a desire to understand the bigger narrative Points.)

[bisonbabe98-blog]

Week 3

Hi Y’all,

Wow what a week! Thanks for all of the birthday wishes! Its been an animal packed week, on my birthday alone I had a bald eagle fly right over my head in the morning, the neighborhood herd of 300 elk spend the day nestled on the hill on our property, held a mole that was in danger of being eaten in my hands, witnessed through sound a pack of coyotes kill a yearling doe not 200ft from my house, many different birds of prey and a murder of crows hanging around an upper part of the property feasting on the coyotes leftovers. Every night so far I've been listening to the coyotes yipping and laughing at night, it’s beginning mating season so if I sit and listen I can hear one call from near posting and responding calls be sent from a series of distances each farther away. I don't want to gross y’all with the details of the kill, but when my brother, sisters boyfriend, dogs and I went to check out what was left, it shifted my process for this week. For some reason it drove me to work on my sketchbook to document some of the animal activity I've seen this week. Last night I was in the hot tub at just after sundown when I heard shifting a few feet away, a coyote came jogging down and although I could accurately only see the silhouette my mind seemed to imprint details even though I saw none. The best way I can describe it is when you look at the moon in a crescent phase and if your stare long enough you can see the portion that is dark, and like that I saw facial lines and fur definition in the coyote. Anyway in other news I finished the other side of the shoulder for the bison, I think y’all get the point so I wont add a picture. I have more sketches I have yet to translate to paper but here a few of the sketches that I've done so far. I find myself sketching bison most often because I find their forms somewhat therapeutic and I can slip away while drawing. 

Xoxo, Mira