#see like. I can totally see him eventually forming the Outlaws

[kara-zor-els]

Preboot Jason burning all his bridges while simultaneously desperately still seeking companionship and for someone to understand and relate to him... ohh he's sooo stray dog coded

[doomstypewriter]

would u do forbidden love, secret relationship moceit? i was thinking a pseudo-historical au, ideally with homophobia as the motivator for the forbidden/secret part but if u absolutely dont wanna do that janus being an outlaw would also work i suppose. just some whacky bois sneaking through windows to hang out, nearly being caught smooching, funny hijinks, then! sudden melancholy about how in love they are & never being able to show it

Finally, anon, I am done!!!!  I gladly present to you the final chapter, just in time for Valentine's Day (call that timing (once you read the thing you'll get this reference)). 

 Hope you enjoy it, and thank you for giving me the chance to write something this cool! 

<< Chapter 1                                       AO3

We call it an affair because it's a forbidden romance 

Word count: 9376 

 Summary: Janus is dumb. He may be intelligent, but intelligence isn't at odds with poor foresight. So he makes a mistake that can get him killed. Romina is very gay and very angry. Patton is confused but does his best. Virginia is the only one with a functioning brain cell. Or, how a chain of misunderstandings almost ruins everything. 

 TW: Seemingly Unsymphathetic fem!Roman (not really, she is just feeling very hurt and angry and it is all resolved eventually), mild transphobia, mentions of blood, mentions of violence (there is a sword fight), mild misogyny, internalised misogyny, internalised homophobia, homophobia, mild threats of violence (again, the sword fight), swearing... I think that's all, but if you spot anything else tell me. 

Chapter 2: The rest of their lives 

The light raised above the darkness and it was morning again. In two days time, Patton would be meeting the countess, just so he could start properly courting her, not because his father wanted to get a title and land for his son. To suggest such a thing would be ridiculous. Scandalous even!

Reputation ruining…

Janus got up from his cot, unfit for the heavy silks that covered it, some stolen, some gifted by Patton. He looked at the things surrounding him. His house wasn’t so bad. It was in fact bigger than the places inhabited by most peasants, and a palace compared to the things in which people like him had to sleep… the things where he had had to lay in. The house consisted of one room, like most, but the size made up for the lack of divisions. 

This was a cave reimagined as a home. The walls had been lined with timber and thoroughly coated with stucco, the curving grooves of its application were not that noticeable, Janus was not a professional but he had certainly done his best. Aside from the absence of windows, it didn’t resemble a cave. There was a section of rock he had left uncovered at the very back, where water seeped out of the wall and provided him with a steady source of the thing. He would prefer not drinking watered-down stucco. 

He began to get dressed. All of his clothing was stored within a small but beautifully carved cupboard he had stolen from a manor in Bohemia. He had plenty of garments from here and there, five outfits in total! Stolen as well. 

In the house, what he hadn’t crafted himself he had stolen. Perfume bottles from France, boots and gold from the Kingdom of Aragon, a stiletto and a medium-sized silver mirror from the Republic of Venice… he even had two tapestries. 

But, even then, it was nothing compared to Villa Morandi. He surrounded himself with opulence to quench his thirst for wealth, the easy life of those above. His home was an illusion, a taste of richness, in which a poor man could pretend. This was not a place where Patton could live, let alone want to. 

If he was to spread rumours, then what? A plan of keeping Patton to himself would not succeed and his lover’s life would be as good as done. 

After packing his fanciest clothes and putting on the ones he used for travelling, he set to leave. He carried his stiletto, a grappling hook and a sword, all three perfectly hidden under his cape. 

Using a hidden pulley system, Janus moved the boulder that hid the entrance to the cave, returning it to its place afterwards. No one would find his home no matter how long he left.

The path down the slope of the mountain twisted and turned. Janus was in no disposition to waste time, so he went across the forest. Half-lost in the trees lay the cabin of a woodsman’s family. A while ago, Janus had left them a steed along with one florin. The family cared for the horse, not knowing exactly what to do. As the horse appeared and disappeared, bringing them thirty soldi each time, they began to get the gist.  Upon reaching the cabin, he headed for a well-built timber shed where his horse waited, fed and rested. 

He left thirty soldi on a small stool at the corner of the shed, mounted his horse, and galloped away. 

The Regio county manor was two days away by horse. 

Patton left yesterday, as his carriage would take longer to get there, stops and all, than one man on horseback. 

Janus paused at the base of the mountain. With one whistle his hawk surfaced from the sea of trees to land on his forearm-length glove. 

“You are to find Signor Morandi’s and Patton’s carriage. Follow them without drawing attention to yourself, find me and report to me at dusk. If anything urgent were to happen, come to my side immediately”.

-------------------------

His room at the inn felt quiet despite the muffled sounds from down below, where people chanted and told stories. 

The cool breeze wouldn’t be half-unpleasant if he wasn’t leaning on the ledge of a wide-open window. I also didn’t help that he was in his underwear. Father would certainly scold him for letting himself be seen in his linen undershirt. Some may think he was waiting for some disreputable company. 

It was more hoping than waiting. Also, Janus couldn’t possibly be disreputable. Out of costume, he had no reputation whatsoever. He liked to keep it that way. His real identity had no friend nor foe, in that he found safety. It had been hard to trust each other. Believe a criminal could be good. Let the son of a merchant become a friend, form an opinion of Janus, the original one. A part of him felt so proud, to see him grow, believe him, love him… another part found it sad for people to miss on such a wonderful person. 

Nights like this made him nostalgic. The first floors had tallow candles cast their diffuse glow onto the streets. Cobblestones seemed softened by the warm tint. Darkness rendered malleable to the light. It all made him miss Janus even more. 

The touch of his palm, holding the weight of his lazy head, a poor substitute to Janus’ hand. 

On such a night they had met. How scared he had been! A bit angry too… captivated as well, even if he couldn’t admit it to himself at the time. 

Patton smiled in contemplation. 

He had spotted him right there, sitting out of the adjacent window, ready to jump and make a run for it. 

“Stop! You will get hurt, good sir!” at first he did not realise the true nature of what was happening. 

To think Janus could be harmed by jumping off a window! He knew better now. Balconies were his true weakness. Thankfully, the only balconies he climbed now were his. 

“Oh, I’ll stop at once. Care to join?” Janus said as he pulled a stiletto out of his cape. 

“You are stealing!” 

“I would never!” he feigned indignation.

“Then what is it that you are doing, good sir?”

Oh, Patton could still hear the laugh that had followed, velvety and insincere. It brought a chill up his spine. 

“Stealing, of course”. 

“That is vile!” 

“Is it? You’re all allowed to provide for yourselves by buying fabrics and goods created by others. Am I not doing as you do? Are merchants not thieves? How can you tell a vile man from another? What do you know of this world, dear?” 

“Well… I... I know for certain that the woman in that room, the one you are stealing from, sir, is not wealthy. She may look the part, but that is thanks to heirlooms. Her family has been impoverished for two generations”. 

“Does it make you virtuous to spread the secrets of others? Isn’t gossip frowned upon by those of…” he lifted his gold rosary from under his shirtfront with the tip of his blade “your inclination”. 

“I am merely explaining so you may be persuaded to accept my gold in exchange for returning her possessions”. 

“Why shouldn’t I just take your gold and keep her stuff too?”

“We may be allowed to provide for ourselves in ways others may view as vile, but should we condemn those who cannot on the account of not wanting to express vileness or having no means to? I do not mean to intrude, sir, but the thoughts behind your words betray your stance in this dilemma. You shall find more satisfaction in stealing what you believe was already stolen. A poor woman is not worth your pride, nor ridding you of the chance to make me lose mine”.

Janus frowned as if he didn't expect him to say something like that. Later he would confess to him that what shocked him was hearing him say something smart. It keeps on surprising him whenever he does.

"Quick, hand me your gold and I might consider it". 

"No, sir, I expect you to leave what you have taken first". 

He did try to hide his eagerness. But, how his cape rustled, once inside, betrayed him. What kind of thief was so noisy? He thought to himself. Once they had built trust, Janus explained that he had been quite shaken up by his offering. He neglected to mention the reason why. Patton imagined it was because he found his disposition to put himself in harm’s way for others ridiculous. 

The thief’s half-concealed face emerged from the window. 

"Will three florin do?" Patton asked, pulling his coin bag. 

Janus looked at the rich embroidered fabric almost in awe. If only, for a second. 

“I suppose…” 

“Well, then, there you go, sir”. 

His hands pried the bag open, ready to pull the golden coins. 

“Hmm…” 

“What is the matter?” 

“I could always just go back and get all the stuff”. 

“Is it not enough for you?” he showed him the three pieces of gold in his open palm. 

It was as if he could almost feel him licking his lips. The part of him, dark, often chastised, made him shake and quiver. His knees felt weak, somehow. This hunger in the thief’s eyes, almost akin to wonder, at the sight of gold, as if he had never seen so much before, it made him want to… dear Lord, no!

“To put such a price on mending the error of my ways” he laughed, staring right through him with those green eyes. Patton’s knees threatened to buckle for real.  “It isn’t very much, now, is it?” he leaned forward, and if Patton leaned as well maybe he could… what? Fall from this height for a pretty thief?

“What do you want, then?” 

That had been a first for Janus, Patton was certain. He didn’t quite get his reaction, but, picturing it again some days later he figured the thief was taken aback. 

“Uh… tha-that fancy coin bag of yours will do. Consider me a gentleman, I wouldn’t want to fleece you completely, the first time”. 

“Oh, I’m sure”. 

“Ha”, Janus stared at him in disbelief. 

Patton felt mortified. 

“I-I mean…” 

“Are you always this eloquent or is it just poor skill when it comes to existing?” the sentence did not sound as condescending as it should have, more like borderline flirtatious. 

Words would not come to him. 

“The coin bag, please”. 

His arm moved on his own, careful to avoid touch. It would be a bad idea to give this man a chance to tip him over the ledge. For a moment, he hesitated. This bag had been gifted to him by his father, he had two made for the two of them. It was two of a kind. But… the woman next door’s wellbeing was far more valuable than any piece of fabric. No matter how treasured. 

Janus dangled the bag from his pointer finger, right next to his face. Side-eying his price, he spoke again: 

“Looks like the virtuous are also the most stupid”. 

The thief readied himself to jump. Patton knew he had to say something, because, this moment, it told him he would regret it if he didn’t. 

“It is not about virtue, but goodness”. 

For a moment he thought he had heard him stop breathing. Then, he jumped. Patton jumped in his place as well. He couldn’t help but bring his entire torso out of the window. 

There he was! Running. He had made no noise in his landing. 

Just when he was about to disappear into the shadows, this weird new acquaintance looked at him one last time. 

Back then, Janus vanished for a while. Patton had come to learn that he would always return one way or another. 

Like now. 

A shadow moved, carefully, on the roof tiles at the other side of the street. Patton whistled, trying not to be too loud, not that anyone below would hear him. Knowing it had been spotted, the shadow flew to his side. 

“Hello, big guy”. 

After a rustle of feathers, the hawk landed at his left. 

“Why the grumpy face?” Patton laughed. “I know it’s just your brow feathers.  You’re so handsome” he caressed the top of the bird’s head with one finger. 

“He sent you all the way here. You must be tired. I don’t have any food for you here, but I’m sure I can get you something to drink”. 

Patton poured some water into a basin and carried it to the window, he placed it on the floor. 

“There, it’s supposed to be used to wash your face… I guess you can do that too if you want”.  

The hawk flew inside and drank it all dry. 

“You ought to tell Janus”, he began saying as he bent his knees, “to stop worrying so much. I am okay. I know he is concerned, but it will all be fine. Also, when you get home, ask him when is he going to let me visit, I’d love to go”.

-------------------------

The carriage clattered over the stone pathway. Inside, the curtains were drawn, but a pang of curiosity made it so Patton moved them, ever-so-slightly, aside to take a discrete look. 

Big was an understatement when one tried to describe the Regio manor. It was a three-storey building comprised of a first floor with a rusticated facade that had four small windows on each side, the centre being interrupted by a wide mason staircase presided by a classic structure of pilasters, then followed by an entablature and a pediment with the most ornate of tympanums. He imagined the staircase lead to the primo piano nobile. To both sides of the main entrance were two sets of four architrave windows built in perfect symmetry. Above it all, was the third floor, which mostly mirrored the second, but had a total of ten slightly smaller windows, as there wasn’t another central element to interrupt their flow. 

If this marriage agreement moved forward, one day, this would be technically his. It will be his wife’s, but, as spouses, they are supposed to share it all. Villa Morandi will be hers as well, it was only fair. 

A part of him felt bad for not having had the chance to keep contact with Lady Romina Regio previous to now. How was one supposed to feel when they get no say in who they marry? Father, at least, had asked him. Yes, he risked disappointing him, but, ultimately, the choice was his.  Will this woman, on the account of her status, be allowed such a choice? He feared her parents were the only people who would decide. Father too. Does she even want the father of her fiancé to take this from her? Is it right to deceive themselves like this, to have God bind them when no love is to arise from this union? Is a potential friendship worthy of the sacrament of matrimony? 

Patton knew two things with certainty: he wanted to be a good friend to Lady Romina Regio and he could not sacrifice his feelings for Janus to achieve it. 

They were guided inside by Virginia Fusco, Lady Romina Regio’s personal servant.

The entrance consisted of a corridor, divided into three naves, by two rows of ionic columns made of rose gold marble. Above that, there was a straight ceiling with five rows of twelve coffers, all richly painted with floral and geometric motifs. His boots looked cheap in comparison to the flooring they walked on. Big and polished terracotta tiles in a diamond pattern covered the ground, the corners were clipped to accommodate small white marble accents. 

Once they passed the entrance, this father was led upstairs by another servant, while Virginia instructed him to accompany her elsewhere. 

“I am glad you arrived here safely after leaving Villa Morandi. Has everything been well?”

She stilled for a moment. 

“Uuh… thank you for the kind concern, sir. Things in the house have been… busy due to the news of your engagement to her ladyship” she began walking again. 

“I was asking about you”. 

“Pardon?”

“When I asked, before, I wanted to know if you have been doing well. It must be stressful to be sent back and forth between the palazzo and Villa Morandi during the last weeks, especially being a personal maid to her ladyship, it is uncommon for someone like you to be used as a messenger”. 

“I shall do anything her ladyship requires. Any task”. 

“Oh! Sorry! I did not intend to say you would not”, Patton stopped dead in his tracks. 

Virginia turned around and stared at him in confusion. 

“I… when you first arrived I did not expect her ladyship’s personal servant to be at my home. Her ladyship’s maid is supposed to stay with her, so I thought something bad might have happened… The trip in between is not too long but done enough times it can prove to be energy-consuming”. 

Patton was met with even more confusion from Virginia, so he kept babbling in hopes of fixing his mistake. “Not that you would not be willing to put up with it for her ladyship, I am sure. I did also not mean to assume anything, that is why I asked in the first place, I only meant it kindly…” 

“Sir, it is alright”, she began saying. 

If Patton had not been as worked up with the conversation as he was he may have detected the slightest hint of amusement coming from Virginia. 

“Her ladyship is--”

“Oh! Oh, that too! I did not mean to not inquire about her ladyship’s wellbeing, part of me dared to hope I could meet her today and ask her in person…” 

“Sir, please, follow me. I am afraid we cannot keep the person I am taking you to waiting, you see, her ladyship finds it upsetting”. 

Patton laughed. 

It caught Virginia off guard. People were not supposed to behave so… openly within these walls. At least she wasn’t used to it. 

“You must excuse this man’s oblivious nature, I should have realised where you were taking me earlier”. 

“Sir, I am undeserving of your apologies. But, if we keep stalling, her ladyship will require one”. 

“Of course, lead the way”.

-------------------------

His horse reached the palazzo just in time to see the Morandi’s carriage passing by. 

Unlike his dear Patton, he did not have an invitation. Sneaking past the guards, an easy task if you asked him, had to suffice. 

The place was huge, it was to be expected from such a family. Janus couldn’t care less for the grandeur, not when he couldn’t get his hands on it, and that wasn’t the reason why he had come there. 

It would seem the Regio had it going on. The palazzo was relatively new, built, at most, fifty years ago. If you checked the list, all of the items relating to appearance did justice to the status of the family. Looking closely though… 

There were only two boys and an old man tending to the gardens. Gardens as big as everything else, mind you. So, clearly, they were understaffed. Which was precisely why Janus had been able to hide between a set of unkempt bushes to change into today’s costume. As long as he managed to avoid getting any leaves of brunches stuck, it would all be fine. 

Back to the Regio, though. If one was as much of an expert at judging other people’s wealth as Janus was, save that one time with a woman at an inn, it became obvious that the counts were missing on the money. Firstly, the manor had been built recently, but most certainly not after the war. Secondly, the guards were as many as one would expect, but not as… on guard -curse Patton’s sense of humour- as they should. This just told him they weren’t being paid that much. Then was the matter of understaffing. 

And, of course, Patton’s presence here. 

Janus had not forgotten Signor Morandi’s words. Patton could only afford to marry a countess because the Regio could not afford anyone less wealthy. 

The clothes were on and he was inside the house. 

Why did these people never put any sort of vigilance at the servant’s entrances? It never occurred to them that even if people wouldn’t steal their laundry, perhaps they would get in with the laundry. Pathetic. 

It made his life easier, though. 

He was in. 

He was in and he was going to… what? 

For starters try to find any dirt on Patton’s dear future wife. Maybe any belongings that could give him some leverage. Just to be safe. 

Janus knew Patton would keep his word, even if it destroyed him, and it would. Nobles always wanted offspring. Janus just wasn’t sure if Patton would be up for the task when someone did not have his pretty eyes and his masculine figure. 

Causing troubles for his beloved was the last thing he wanted. But, if it came to it, Janus would do anything. Whether that meant creating accidents, blackmailing or appointing a convenient kidnapping during a wedding night. 

He went up the servant’s stairs and reached a second-floor gallery, open to the courtyard below. 

Just when he was about to leave, his ears caught some hushed shouting coming from above.

-------------------------

“How could she do this to me!?” 

Romina stormed the third-floor corridor, without any bearing nor destination. 

“Your ladyship, please, we must go back!” Virginia ran behind her, speaking between her teeth. 

“Did you see him, Virg?”

“Yes, I did, your ladyship”. 

“I-- this is outrageous!” 

“I beg you, can we not have this conversation here, your ladyship?” 

Despite Virginia kindly pointing out that the third-floor gallery was hardly an appropriate location for such or any kind of discussion, Romina did not heed her request. 

“I was going to become a princess! And because of this, I am deprived of royalty! Because my sister fancies herself a man!” 

“For the love of…, you know what, no. I am tired of this. She dresses like a man, she talks like a man, she looks like a man and she feels like one. In which way is she, no, he, not a man?” 

Romina grimaced at her own words. Still, she was far too angry to let go of her resentment. 

“In the fact that he has no honour. He lied to me, several times. First by promising we’ll stay together. Then he did not care to tell me I had a brother, didn’t even trust me for that, and now he has abandoned me. And what for? He saw that pretty ‘scientist’ or whatever he calls himself and decided to follow him to the end of the world. How come he gets to be a pirate when I have to become a wife?!”

“Romina, please, shut your big mouth before anyone overhears us” Virginia warned. 

“So now I must be quiet!”

“Yes! For your sake, you dumbass”. 

“Well, I will not be quiet, you… you sonnetist of elegies!” 

“That’s not even a--” Virginia placed her hand on the bridge of her nose. 

As if to make her point clearer, Romina kept walking into the gallery. 

“I don’t care! You know why? Because now I have to replace him in a destiny none of us wanted, but at least he had been prepared for! What am I going to do?” 

“How about you begin by coming back--” 

“He leaves me like this, to be mocked and compared to him,--” 

“Oh Lord, why do I even bother--”

“--who ran away. How could he be so selfish!? Let me ask you this instead, how can a man surrender his word and his honour so readily?”

Then, Virginia stilled completely. 

She didn’t know whether she felt angry or deeply saddened.

“What wouldn’t any of us do to seize the freedom that we have forever been denied? And, who wouldn’t cast away honour to be free and loved? Can’t you identify with that, or are you a liar too?”

“I…”

“Is it Remus who you’re angry at?” 

“It doesn’t matter what I think. I am still going to have to get married to some random person--!”

“Oh, shut up! At least he’s nice! Do you know what he did when he met me? Because he came to personally receive me, you see. He asked for my name! Not only that, but he remembers it. Just when I was taking him to see you, he asked me how had I been! Have you any idea how many people do that? You are so privileged you cannot get your head out of your stuck-up ass, Princess. Nobody ever cares how people like me are doing!” 

“Oh, so that is what this is about! Well, sorry I can’t pepper you with attention every waking moment, love--” 

“Fuck off, I already know that, stop making this about you!” 

“But it is about me!”

“You’re so lucky you get to marry a kind man! Any other person would just use his status to be a self-righteous narcissistic asshole, yes, Princess, like you, but not young Signor Morandi so quit mopping!” 

“Well, if you like him so much, then why don’t you marry him instead?!” 

Her hands gripped her apron tightly. Virginia could not bear her gaze at the moment. She bit her lip as if that could help her to cope with the backlash at the sheer stupidity of Romina’s words. 

“I am sorry”. 

“You… at least you’re… hmm…” she took a deep breath. In part to give herself time to consider what to say carefully, but, also, to calm down. “Male-inclined. I… your ladyship, if I did not serve you I fear I would only be any good left in a nunnery. You must understand, if I could choose who to marry, well, kind and considerate is not much of my type, as you must be aware. Neither is Signor Morandi”. 

“If…” 

Romina returned to her side. 

Her hands, littered with all sorts of rings, made Virginia’s hands give up on holding the apron. The labour-stained pair were squeezed safely. 

“Please, please look at me”. 

The request made Virginia want to refuse. But, aside from her position, these were the kind of situations in which Virginia could not deny Romina. 

“If I could choose who to marry, it would be one who would make me a princess, not on the account of status, but with word… if you know what I mean”. 

Virginia rolled her eyes. 

“The only one that dense here is you”. 

“The mouth on you. I am going to have to keep you by my side”, she paused for a second and then whispered, “my love”. 

Her gaze was most intense upon hearing that. The pair of dark brown eyes opening in a way that could be described as feline. 

“No nunnery could be at your level when it comes to sarcasm and bossing other women around. I, at the very least, can hold my ground for longer until you get me to do your bid--”

Finally, Romina was quiet. 

Virginia gripped her shoulders, squeezing the puffs of her dress’ sleeves, with the tips of her fingers touching against the golden netting that covered Romina’s chest. It was as if she was trying to drink the life out of those lips. Her very being was buzzing with want and anger. 

The bejewelled woman became pliant, yet passionate, under the touch. Bravery, whenever it surfaced in Virginia, was something to behold. Even more of a thing to experience. 

“Fuck” Virginia covered her mouth with her hands as she abruptly parted. 

“Likewise. Oh, I feel dizzy” she smiled. 

“No, not that way. I… shit… I just did...that! And here!”

“Now, now”, Romina grasped her hands. 

She caressed the base of Virginia’s thumbs with a devoted look. 

“Ro…”

“No reason to panic, my nightly gale”. 

“Well, I wouldn’t be so sure about that” a voice came from the other side of the gallery.

-------------------------

The room was quiet. 

No. 

The room was completely silent and Patton had no idea what had gone wrong. He never intended to say something that could harm anyone’s sensitivities. It just never occurred to him that someone could be offended by a pun about the weather. 

This first attempt at friendship had not been… great. 

His father would certainly laugh at Lady Romina Regio’s decision to storm out of the room upon hearing a silly joke. He would make nothing of it. He’d say womanly outbursts were to be expected. Darn it, most people would say so.

Ignoring it would be simple. 

Patton could not ignore it. 

Firstly, it became clear to him that her ladyship had no say in her marrying him. Not only that, but she might feel strongly against it. Secondly, and most important, he intended to build a friendship with her. 

Considering the circumstances, the best he could do would be to find her and speak from the heart. If he explained to her that he meant no ill by making a joke, or to be insensitive by indulging in frivolities in the face of such a serious matter as their first meeting, she might feel better. And, if she still refused him, he could offer to call the entire thing off. 

Except that would be a terrible idea. Her family needed the money and going back on his choice would make her chances even more difficult. But, maybe, she wanted that. Her reaction pointed to it. Father would be very disappointed, the last thing Patton wanted was to be a bad son. But wasn’t it worse to force a woman into a marriage? Also, Janus. He’d be free to remain with him for longer. 

What was he going to do? He didn’t know what the right answer to this was.  

Talking to her. Patton could start by doing that, but first, he needed to find her.

-------------------------

This wasn’t the kind of dirt he had expected to find, but only a moron would look a gift horse in the mouth right now.

The servant girl’s passion came out of nowhere. He almost wanted to take notes. 

“No reason to panic, my nightly gale”, said the countess, still entranced at the sight of her maid’s hands. 

She had just given him his cue, so Janus could not help but oblige. 

“Well, I wouldn’t be so sure about that”, he said leaving his hiding spot. 

Instantly, they turned to look at him. The countess let go of the other’s hands in a jolt. Her demeanour changed in a second. So, not only was she a countess, but also a terrific actress. 

“Oh! Good day sir! Are you, by any chance, lost? My servant can…” she looked at the aforementioned. 

Her maid was having none of it. She eyed him suspiciously, ignoring how her mistress’ body language asked her to calm down. 

“Were you coming to see his lordship? I am afraid he is busy at the moment”. 

“Oh, well yes. I was sent by Marquess Sanders to inquire about a series of matters relating to war expenses” he said as he took off his cape. 

By revealing his outfit he hoped to gain some credibility. Looking rich always got people off your back. Especially when you carried a sword. 

The countess’ eyes lit up in recognition of his dusack. Dusacks were one of the main weapons sent by Marquess Sanders during the war, this one so happened to also have the family crest attached to the scabbard. 

Normally, he would have covered it to avoid getting Thomas into trouble. 

“Well, in that case--” Romina began to say. 

“Excuse me, sir, but I am sure her ladyship would first like to see the letters that his lordship always has his people carry”. 

“Is your maid often allowed to talk over you, your ladyship?” 

“I...uh…” Romina looked at her maid for help. 

“Well, that is to be expected, as she is allowed to do much more than that, is she not?” 

The maid squinted at him. 

“Oh, that thing? It was a… a token of friendship!” the countess proudly proclaimed. 

While she may be a fantastic actress, she surely was a terrible liar. The maid scoffed in the way Janus could not, whether it was due to hearing her lover say something that ridiculous or because of the awful lie he could not tell. 

“If that is how I treated all my friends I am certain my lovers would be confused”. 

Both women caught their breaths. 

“I would, of course, not be so indiscreet as to say anything, for a price, that is”. 

“What is it that you want?” 

“I’ve heard you are soon to be married--” 

The maid looked at him even more intensely, and then…

“Your ladyship, this man is deceiving you”. 

“Yeah, I can tell, we were just discussing--”

“You dense ass, not now, all the time! His money bag over there, it’s Signor Morandi’s!” 

Oh, fuck. 

Well, it couldn’t be helped. 

Janus unsheathed his sword and pointed it to the maid’s neck. 

“I suggest we keep this matter quiet, or else I’ll have to keep it quiet forever”.

-------------------------

Patton’s efforts to find Lady Romina Regio or her servant, Virginia, had not been successful so far. He had explored the main areas of the house, now finding himself at the first-floor courtyard. 

The smells coming from the kitchen, where the staff worked in their earnest to prepare tonight’s dinner, danced in the air. Patton sat at a stone bench, wondering what else he could do. His only chance would be waiting until both families dined together. He’d wish to apologise to her ladyship before that, so they could indulge in the dishes without any looming over. 

Then, the faint sound of a voice coming from above called his attention. 

It was barely hearable due to the clankings of nearby cooking. But there was no way he wouldn’t recognise it. 

“I would... be so indiscreet … price...” Patton could make out. 

Indeed, it was Janus’ voice. If that and the words ‘indiscreet’ and ‘price’ were anything to go by, he was blackmailing someone. 

Her ladyship was nowhere to be found and Janus was being Janus nearby. It didn’t take too much to put two and two together. 

Patton moved around the courtyard while staring upwards. 

There they were! He only had to find a way to…

Oh no. 

Janus was pointing his sword to Virginia’s neck. 

Before Patton could realise what he was doing, his feet were already running upstairs.

-------------------------

This would have been a great time for both of them to bail, hadn’t a sword been pointed at her. But, that's life. Some days you wake up next to your lover in her chambers with a deep feeling of dread over, well, everything; other days you are about to get basically beheaded, what can you do. 

For starters, Virginia was going to fight, because she didn’t feel particularly inspired to think at the moment. 

“Please, do not hurt her, I beg you”, Romina said. 

Wonderful. Virginia was either about to get hurt or be very lucky on her own accord. 

She quickly leaned back and ducked, taking advantage of the man’s attention being redirected at Romina’s plea. 

Definitely, she was getting hurt, not lucky, as the sword fell down on her with a swift swoop. 

That was it. 

Then, Romina pulled another sword from the pocket opening of her dress, crossing blades with the thief, but, most importantly, saving her life. She was going to be really cocky about it, if they made it out in one piece. 

“Well, this was a lovely surprise”, the thief said as Romina and he circled each other, edges sliding in a sharp sound, “but if you don’t give it up, you’ll end up maimed and, after that, let’s say… your maid may take a nudge downstairs”. 

Romina slid the sword away and twirled it back to strike. The thief had enough reflexes to put his dusack across his face before it got cut in half. 

A strong clank echoed all over the gallery and the courtyard below. 

“You foul fiend! You may be brave enough to threaten me, but your overconfidence in thinking you can get away--” she struck again, “with endangering her--” Romina turned them, making it so Virginia was behind her, as if to underline her words, “shall be your downfall”. 

“Thank you for enlightening me, your highness” the thief began to say. 

He overpowered Romina by twisting their swords. She collided against Virginia’s chest after the villain shoved her away. 

“This has, clearly, proved how friendly you are. By all means, tell me, are you also willing to die for all of your friends?” 

His next move was more successful now that he had gained more range of attack. The thief plunged forward in a piercing motion. Romina stopped it with a backhanded sweep, then turned on herself, making it so his blade pointed to the ground. 

“I would die for her, any day”. 

Virginia did not have the right to feel as flustered as she did, not when they were in mortal danger. Somehow, Romina’s best romantic lines happened whenever she did not speak them directly to her. Seeing her look that fierce when fighting may also factor into it. Why did Princess always have to be so intense?

“Is this a confession? Scandalous!” 

“It is a promise”. 

There was a delicate balance between each other for a moment. Their eyes locked in a stare. 

It was so strange, Virginia thought. This man keeps on threatening them, but he hesitates. What was holding him back? Also, why steal a coin bag when you plan on blackmailing someone? Yes, it had to be planned, otherwise, the marquess lie made no sense, too much preparation involved for that to be a coincidence. Could he actually be sent by the marquess? But, why? The Regio and the marquess had had a wonderful relationship over the years. 

Something didn’t fit. 

The thief moved ever so slightly. Romina, clearly, wasn’t taking any chances.

In a display of quick reflexes, she side-kicked him on the chest, making him stumble backwards. 

While the thief struggled to regain his footing, Romina sliced through the cord keeping Signor Morandi’s coin bag attached to his waist. She smiled playfully. 

“For someone so smug, you are surely a clumsy opponent”. 

“I’ll give you clumsy” he replied stepping forward and thrusting with the sword. 

Romina blocked his attack effortlessly, but, soon, Virginia realised that wasn’t the thief’s intention. His right foot was just in front of the bag, ready to move it towards him like a hook. 

“Ro, the bag!” Virginia warned. 

She looked down and smirked. 

“This the price of greed”, Romina mocked as her sword turned to strike the thief’s right leg. 

The dusack crossed blades, again, with Romina’s before it could do any damage. 

“Your willingness to lose a leg over some gold only proves the worth of your lot”.  

He leaned closer to Romina, looking at her in the eye as he twisted their swords to get the upper hand. 

“You know nothing about me or what I stand for”, he said in a deep and menacing voice. 

Romina laughed in between her teeth. 

“I may not, but I know one thing”. 

“Oh, and what is that?”

“You just got distracted”. 

Romina’s foot slipped past the thief’s, kicking the coin bag away from him. He ran to his left while blocking Romina’s attacks at his right. 

What was so special about a coin bag anyway?

-------------------------

Patton began to hear sword fighting noises just before he reached the entrance to the stairs. 

What was Janus thinking? Engaging in a face-off with Lady Romina Regio, who not only was a countess with an apparent disdain for weather puns but also a remarkable swordswoman, had to be one of his worst ideas to date. 

While he had faith in Janus’ skills, he also knew that her ladyship’s fencing instructor had been fired, as a lesson, after she stabbed a man on the shoulder during a ‘casual’ duel.

-------------------------

The coin bag was kicked and pushed from one place to another by the thief and Romina while they dodged attacks.

“Is it the gold you are fighting for or is it your pride, villain?” she said, smirk reflecting on her blade. 

“Hasn’t anyone ever told you not to project your desires onto others? So honourable protecting her frail maiden!”, he pushed forward. “Still… it would almost seem, not because of the self-indulging banter, that you only duel to flatter yourself”.

“The one who is so set in getting a stolen coin bag dares to lecture me on selfishness!” 

Romina used her weight to stop him from making her retrocede any further. Her grin widened, satisfied in this victory. 

“Takes one egoist to know one”.

Right then, the thief made a sudden move. 

“Romina!” Virginia exclaimed. 

“I’m fine!” she said, wiping the bleeding cut on her jaw. 

The thief looked at the prized coin bag that he now held in his hand. 

“Loved beating you, but I think I will take my lea--” 

He was interrupted by Romina’s scream. Her sword wooshed several times in front of his face, barely leaving him time to bend backwards to avoid it. The dusack clancked against the floor. 

“Shit” the thief cursed. 

Things looked dire for the thief. With his sword out of reach, there was little he could do. Romina’s sword flashed by one more time, slashing through his left upper arm. Despite the painful burn of the cut, his left hand did not let go of the coin bag. Nevertheless, he fell on his knee, clutching the wound with his free hand. 

“I will make you an offering, villain”, Romina pointed at him with the sword, gloating over his tilted gaze. “Return Signor Morandi’s coin bag to me, and I shall let you go”. 

“Your ladyship, kindly get stabbed in the chest”. 

She turned his back on him, twirling her sword while at it. 

“As you wish”. 

Time froze before Romina could even think about delivering the killing blow. 

Virginia saw the thief reach for his boot, pulling out a stiletto. He stood up and positioned his knife pointing upwards. Because of this, Virginia panicked, already imagining the tip breaking through Romina’s lower back and into her chest. 

Immediately, she ran in front of the thief, head empty of thoughts, only consuming fear. At the same time, the thief began a descending motion, making Virginia realise where he aimed for. 

‘He’s going for her leg!’, Virginia thought. 

This would not help. When they crossed, the thief’s knife was at the height of Virginia’s gut. 

Virginia looked at him in terror. 

The thief looked at Virginia in panic. 

The fabrics of Romina’s dress could be heard twisting in the air, as she turned around, only to see the back of Virginia’s head. 

“No!” Romina cried. 

In yet another display of quick reflexes, the thief let go of the stiletto, just before it could do any damage. 

Romina only heard the blade fall as she shoved Virginia aside. 

She punched him on the left cheek, leaving the outline of her rings imprinted on his skin, red and slowly swelling. 

The thief’s boots staggered backwards. 

He fell face up in the middle of the gallery corridor. 

Faster than ever, Romina’s sword moved and settled its tip at the base of the thief’s neck, sort of mirroring how he had threatened Virginia. 

Virginia brazed herself against the wall. Her breathing heaved like the bellows trying to get the fire back up. Out of the corner of her eye, she saw young Signor Morandi emerging from the path that connected to one of the third-floor staircases. 

“Please, do not hurt him, I beg you”, he said while catching his breath. 

Romina looked upwards to stare at him. 

“What is the meaning of this?! Do you know this man? Did you send him?!”

Sometimes, Romina could outmatch Virginia when it came to reaching conclusions. This just so happened to be the worst possible moment. 

“I--” 

Only Virginia saw how the eyes of the thief went wide at hearing young Signor Morandi’s voice, his frown when Romina accused him. 

“Look at me!” the thief shouted. 

“Trying to protect your master, villain?” 

“That is not quite… this is a complete misunderstanding, if we talked--” young Signor Morandi began to say. 

“Shut up!” both Romina and the thief replied in unison. 

“Stop talking nonsense, your highness”. 

“Oh, so it is nonsense! He seems to know you, how do you explain that?” 

Virginia squinted at them, getting the sense that she was missing something more than ever. 

“Janus, please, let me tell them the--” 

“We now have a name for our thief!” she announced triumphantly. “So you do know each other! Let me tell you, Jolliest Caesar, he has betrayed you. Whatever you paid him seemed to be less than enough, so he stole your father’s coin bag”. 

Young Signor Morandi’s eyes went straight to said item, lighting up in recognition and some other emotion much harder to identify. 

“Is this the outcome you desired? I thought you were silly, I was... persuaded to believe you were kind. But, this? Do you owe your father so much disrespect?” 

He grimaced in response, looking away. Meanwhile, Janus pursed his lips in a thin line. 

‘Why does it matter to him?’, Virginia wondered. 

“Signor Morandi is an upright man, someone who carries himself proud and virtuous. I will not insult him by denouncing you to my family, but I hope you learn to have--” 

“Oh, poor and noble Signor Morandi! Rid of a coin bag, whatever will he do?!” Janus shouted.  

The gazes of all people present turned to him.

“It’s not as if he could buy another. Are we to pity him?! He is so good! You defend what you think to be the property of a man who would gladly pull any pair of lovers apart. Gift his son to a stack of classist swine in exchange for a title! What an estimate of his worth!”

One could almost marvel at him having the nerve to spit his anger even under the point of a blade. Romina frowned, taken aback.  

“But he’s so upright! Admit it, you couldn’t care any less about this ridiculous coin bag, you just want to use it as an excuse to keep your affair with your servant hidden. Am I the one you wish to kill or does it make you feel less powerless to pretend you’re stabbing another man? None of us gets a choice”.

Young Signor Morandi held his breath. 

Virginia let hers out. That was it! Of course! How could she not have realized earlier?

“Spilling my blood won’t change that! I may not be good, but I can at least see through the lies, and you aren’t good either. You’re as selfish as I am and you won’t get to keep her, we never do”. 

“What?” Romina answered. 

She looked at Virginia, then at young Signor Morandi, then back at him. 

“Are you seriously doing this? I could make these your last words! What is wrong with you! This is madness. I am about to die” she began to mock him, “let me make this moment into a speech about society and another man’s stolen money. Who does that? I know I am dramatic, but, at the very least--!” 

“Princess, shut up!” Virginia shouted. 

“Excuse me, I was only trying to give some fair critic--”

“Not the time. Also, you are completely missing the point! 

“What do you mean?”

“Do you know how we always talk after dinner?” 

“That is not what we do after…”

“Yes”. 

“So what is your point? Oooooh!” 

“Now you get it…” she closed her eyes. 

“They also talk…” Romina smiled.

“Hmm”. 

“And he is actually…!” she pointed back and forth between the two with her sword. “They are…!”

“We are, and if you would” Janus flattened himself against the floor. 

“Your ladyship, please, my Janus has had enough of sharp objects for…” young Signor Morandi looked at him. 

“For forever, put the sword away”. 

Romina did as requested and promptly offered a hand to help Janus get on his feet. 

“You are one menace of a woman”. 

“Thank you”. 

“What is going on?!” 

A large set of rushed footsteps accompanied the question. The four turned around to see his lordship, Count Regio, his wife, Signor Morandi and a myriad of servants. 

“Oh, father, mother!” Romina exclaimed. “Signor Morandi”, she greeted more formally. 

“Romina, what is the meaning of this?” said Count Regio. 

“Your lordship, your ladyship”, Janus spoke after a bow. “I was sent by Marquess Sanders”. 

Romina turned to look at him. His attire was mostly back in place, a part of her couldn’t help but be impressed. After spotting the family crest on Janus’ dusack, the counts’ expression changed from confusion to shame. 

“Romina, did you duel this man? Apologise this instant!” Count Regio looked livid as he spoke. “We already had to be rid of her fencing teacher, do not worry, Signor Morandi, we will also dispose of her swords”, Countess Regio reassured. 

In the scandal, Virginia was the only one to notice the coin bag forgotten on the floor. She stepped to the side, knowing no one would pay attention to her, as per usual, especially with such chaos. The coin bag disappeared under Virginia’s skirts, dragged by her foot. Young Signor Morandi walked past her and nodded in a silent gesture of gratitude. Perhaps one person did notice. 

“Your ladyship, that will not be necessary, I come as a new fencing teacher, an early engagement present of Marquess Sanders”. 

“But how did he know…” Virginia muttered. 

Janus did hear her and went on: 

“He was very impressed by the letters sent by your daughter. Marquess Sanders believes that someone with such impeccable diplomacy, and a disposition to secure the future relationship of her family, should not be deprived of outstandingness. To preserve such remarkable, dare I say, rare, qualities on a lady, he sent me. Marquess Sanders hopes my instruction can further her skills and aid her to grow more accomplished than ever before”. 

“Oh, that is fantastic to hear!” Count Regio said, looking a lot more uncomfortable than her tone would suggest. “But, Lady Romina, as you already are aware of, is engaged now. We ought to hear young Signor Morandi’s opinion on the matter”.

-------------------------

All eyes turned to Patton. 

“Actually…” 

For a moment, he doubted himself. 

Lying, as he had always been told, was sinful. But so was ignoring the struggle of the weak, breaking your word and not honouring one’s spouse. 

Most importantly, Patton had to honour his heart. 

If lying was the price to pay… well, so be it. 

“I asked her for a demonstration. I have always harboured a burning admiration for her dexterity with the sword. Her ladyship is truly heroic and radiant when duelling”. 

Romina turned to look at him.

It would seem he had managed to become friends with her after all.  

-------------------------

The moonlight shone in its quiet dance with the nightly air. This was, once again, a clear summer evening, but it marked the end of an insane day. The sounds of dining and chatting had died out. Everyone, gradually, left for their rooms. Janus, crossing the gardens, intended to do the same. 

Climbing with a wounded arm made his ascend harder than usual. Luckily, the ostentatious facade of the palazzo gave him countless points to anchor himself to. Slowly but surely, he got to Patton’s open window. 

 As what felt like always, Patton held him by the lapels of his cape and pulled him inside. 

Rather than saying hello, Patton kissed him. It was gentle, devoid of the despair that had marked all their meetings during the last weeks. Patton pulled apart just as softly. 

“Here”. 

Janus stared at the coin bag in his hand and smirked. 

“Dear, if you keep on offering me your money you’ll turn into the worst noble ever, and I, the worst thief”, he said with no real smugness. 

Patton laughed. 

“Virginia retrieved it when nobody looked”. 

“I’ll remember to thank her”. 

“Please, be nice this time”. 

“You saw that?” 

“Yes. Janus, pointing at someone with… that thing… don’t do it again”. 

Janus shrugged and leaned in to kiss him again. A pair of hands pulled on his cape, that fell on the floor, forgotten. 

“I don’t think” Janus half-laughed, “I could get away with it again”. 

His bandages were fresh. The bleeding had stopped, but it didn’t make it hurt any less. Patton stared at it and furrowed his eyebrows. 

“I could have lost you today”. 

“You saved me again”. 

“Well, that isn’t entirely true”. 

“Oh, why would that be?” 

“You managed to stand your ground until I could save you”. 

“Call it good timing”. 

Patton smiled. 

“What’s so funny?” Janus smiled as well. 

“I’m happy. We… we are going to be together after this. I even gained two friends”. 

“You keep meeting the strangest people, dear”. 

“I’ll have to make sure that you kids don’t get hurt”. 

“We’ll try to be in our best behaviour”. 

Patton got closer and whispered:

“Liar”. 

Janus swallowed and stared at him, suddenly feeling defeated, yet happy about it. He loosened his belt, letting it fall to the floor with his dusack. 

It made an awful lot of noise. Patton looked down, almost in disbelief at Janus’ newfound capacity to make a sound. 

“Hmm. Where did you really get that sword? Romina could get in serious trouble if…”

“Don’t worry, Thomas won’t mind covering for me”. 

“Thomas? You know the marquess?” 

“Let us sit on the bed, I think that you deserve to know this secret”. 

Both of them got comfortable on the ridiculous wall of pillows placed against the headboard of the canopy bed. 

“I used to work for the Sanders family. Ever since I was a boy, I tended to the horses, which is how Thomas and I became friends in the first place. As we grew, he decided to make me his personal servant, and, aside from learning to lie as easy as speaking, I also learned I hate rich people. Thomas is okay though. I think you and Thomas are the only rich people I tolerate”. 

“Well, that’s rich”. 

“Patton! I’m telling you my tragic story!” he said, not at all bothered. “Anyhow, I decided that wasn’t for me, so I told Thomas. He was sad, but he respected it. Before I left, he gave me his own sword, I guess as a safe-conduct of sorts, maybe to remind me I could always come back”. 

“That is… a lot”. 

“I know. He’s a good friend. Believe it or not, I’ve never used it until today. I… couldn’t let you get caught in any of my… shall we say, activities, so I figured…” 

Patton grabbed him, mindful of his wounds, and pulled him close. 

“You need to let other people in, Janus. I know I’m kind of silly, but I can still help. I wish you could see that when you let people know you they want to be on your side. You are someone worth knowing”. 

“And you are more of a bastard than people give you credit for”. 

His laughter made them shake a little. Janus stared at Patton’s joyful expression feeling satisfied. 

“I guess I am”. 

“Pity you don’t want to do anything wicked with it”. 

“I’ll leave that to you, just, tell me beforehand”. 

“How else would I be saved last minute, dear?” 

They stared at each other for a while. It hadn’t fully hit Janus until now that this, this thing right now, would be his life from now on. Thinking that, perhaps the world wasn’t as cruel as he had always made it to be. 

“You are so good”. 

Patton kissed him again. 

“Only when nobody’s looking”. 

“Jan, name’s Patton, not nobody”. 

“You think you’re so funny”. 

“Am I not, when I make you smile like this?”

-------------------------

Taglist: @joylessnightsky , (the following interacted with my tagging request post, so I assumed you wanted to be tagged, if not, please tell me) @jerasings , @daemoade , @grandhairdofarmgoop . 

[fatesdeepdive]

Entry 54: Demigod Shit Magnet

Got a lot of stuff to talk about, no time for intro.

Class Profile - Ninja

The Nohrian thief class and base class of Saizo, Kaze, Kagero, and Asugi. Has good speed and skill and that's about it. Wields shurikens, which make them work best for inflicting debuffs. Also oddly good at mage killing. Oddly enough, the game considers them to be the Hoshido version of a Cavalier. Their first skill, Locktouch, is a utility skill that allows them to open chests and doors without a key. Their second skill, Poison Strike, deals 20% damage to enemies after battle but cannot kill, helping establish their niche of injuring enemies from a distance so stronger units can come in and finish them off. Ninjas can promote to Master Ninjas or Mechanists. I like the Ninja design a lot; the light armor fits well and the scarves, headbands, and arm knife thingies look cool.

Class Profile - Oni Savage

This game’s version of the Barbarian class and Hoshidan rival to the Fighter class. Wields axes, can promote into Oni Chieftain or Blacksmith. Weirdly, Rinkah is the only Oni Savage in the game, making the fact that it has two exclusive promotion classes weird. Oni Savages have great strength, hp, and defense, countered by atrocious luck, skill, and resistance. They can do good damage, assuming they can hit anything, or act as a wall, assuming they don’t die instantly to magic or a crit. Their first skill, Seal Resistance, lowers an enemy’s resistance after combat. I do not know why this was given to this class. Their other skill, Shove, is a utility skill that can be used to move a neighboring unit one space away. I actually like the Oni Savage design, despite it being ripe for fanservice, because the male and female designs are similar. My problem isn’t barbarians being shirtless, it’s when the game does stupid shit like have the female version of a class wear a thong while the male wears pants. The mask and beads worn by generic Oni Savages are also a nice touch.

Class Profile - Monk/Shrine Maiden

This game’s version of the Priest and Cleric classes, Hoshidan versions of the Troubadour class. Sakura and Mitama are Shine Maidens, while Azama is a Monk. Oddly enough, despite this game mostly getting rid of gender-locked classes, these two remain separate. They’re basically the same class, though. Both wield staves, have the same skills, and have good speed, luck and resistance, hampered by awful defense and HP. Oddly, Shrine Maiden has 5% better magic, while Monk instead has 10% better skill. Regardless, the job of these classes is to avoid combat and heal allies using staves. These classes can promote into Onmyojis and either Great Masters or Priestesses. Their first skill, Miracle, gives them a luck-based chance to survive a fatal blow with 1 HP. Their second skill, Rally Luck, boosts the Luck of nearby allies for a few turns. They also secretly have a 10% extra crit evade. I enjoy the simple, modest designs, which fit with the class’s aesthetic. 

Conquest Chapter 8: Cold Reception

As Felicia leads the group to her village, Moron and Silas are separated by a blizzard. Moron faints from the cold and is rescued by Kilma, the Ice Tribe’s leader. Moron begins to introduce himself, but Silas reminds him that they’re here to crush a rebellion. Corrin bemoans the fact that everything is so morally grey. Honestly, I wouldn’t call this route morally grey, so much as it’s the same black and white shit as Birthright with Moron being to stupid to understand he’s on the evil side.

Kilma says he only let Moron into the village because he carries Yato, the sword prophecized to save the world. Kilma introduces Moron to his daughter, Flora. The fact that Flora and Felicia are the daughters of the head of a small country colonized by Nohr is kinda weird. Garon conquered the Ice Tribe, took the daughters captive, and forced them to work as servants for his other kidnapped prince.

Felicia and Elise show up and Elise blurts out that they’re there to suppress Kilma’s rebellion. Elis is an idiot. Flora sounds the alarm and the Ice Tribe rushes in to fight the Nohrians. Flora calls Felicia ignorant and says war is the only language Nohr understands.

This chapter uses the same map as Chapter 17 of Birthright. The gimmick of this chapter is centered on five villages spread around the map. A pair of enemy soldiers will try to go to the villages to summon reinforcements, while the player can visit them to get gold. At the start of turn two, Odin and Niles show up to save us, acting on orders from Leo. Moron has to convince them to not kill everyone brutally, because Odin’s a chunibiyo and Niles is genuinely morally grey.

Odin

Owain from Awakening, now a Dark Mage instead of Myrmidon and pretending to be an evil wizard instead of a legendary hero. He also switches his costume to this tight, garish yellow outfit with a v-neck that stretches to his crotch. I’d complain if it was any character other than Odin; for Odin, it fits. I did like Owain in Awakening, but I will admit his schtick can get old. His personal skill gives him a boosted crit rate when using a named weapon with a name more than 12 letters long, something ridiculous that fits perfectly for a guy obsessed with legendary weapons and powerful spells. Also, he can reclass into a Samurai, a Hoshidan class, which makes sense given his class in Awakening.

Niles

Leo’s other retainer, a sadistic Outlaw. His personal skill, Kidnap, works the same as Orochi’s capture. Conquest is a bit harder than Birthright, though, so I’m afraid I won’t be grabbing another Kenshi. Fun fact, Niles is the only non-promoted bow user in all of Nohr. Niles’s design isn’t half bad; I like the eyepatch, white hair, and hood, although I’d like to note that it’s a bit odd that the sadistic criminal has a noticeably darker skin tone.

Flora apologizes to Moron for standing by her actions, calls Felicia a moron, and tells Jakob she wishes she was meeting him under better circumstances. Felicia’s battle quote with Jakob is especially interesting, confirming she was a hostage and hinting that she has feelings for him. Kilma prays for forgiveness for fighting Felicia and says Moron deceived him.

Moron spares Kilma. In fact, he wins the battle without killing anyone. Somehow. Moron has Elise treat the enemy wounded. Kilma is shocked by Moron’s kindness. Moron negotiates a deal where the Ice Tribe stops rebelling in return for more autonomy, something he has the authority to do that totally won’t be ignored by the child kidnapping mass murderer Garon. Kilma says that Moron might be the legendary hero after all. Flora apologizes for defending her people from an invading army who kidnapped her and her sister as a child and swears fealty to Moron.

So, here’s my problem with Conquest. Nohr is evil. Garon is evil. But Moron is good. So every chapter has him win battles without violence or negotiate people into working with him. Rather than having Moron struggle with his morality, it has him keep his hands clean, even as he conquers neighboring nations for the glory of a brutal dictatorship. It’s idiotic. And it will only get more idiotic as this game goes on. But first, we have some Supports to read.

Support: Corrin/Odin

C: Corrin finds Odin posing. Odin says his stance needs a unique name. Corrin gets annoyed by Odin and walks away.

B: Odin asks Corrin to name his pose. Corrin says they need tome to think of a name.

A: Corrin tries to hide from Odin. Odin tracks them down and annoys Corrin for a while. Eventually, Odin comes up with a dumb name for his pose: Shadow Glitter. Corrin is relieved that they don't have to talk to Odin anymore.

S: Odin asks Corrin to marry him. Corrin gets tired of his long-winded proposal and demands he get to the point. Odin gives a heartfelt proposal and immediately gets back on his bullshit.

Review: Not bad. Odin toes the line between funny and annoying and seeing Corrin get sick of his bullshit is a good dose of realism. This is also one of the only times Corrin isn’t ridiculously friendly. Also, by marrying Odin, Corrin joins yet another royal family.

Support: Elise/Effie

C: Elise asks Effie to go on a walk with her, but Effie is full from eating and asks Elise to roll her like a barrel.

B: Effie uses Elise as a dumbell. The two of them reminisce about how they met: Elise snuck down to the underground and befriended Effie and, when the guards tried to take Elise back, Effie tried to fight em off.

A: Effie talks about how she trained for years to become a castle guard so she could protect Elise.

Review: This is what Corrin and Silas’s relationship should have been. That is, free from dumb bullshit about Corrin having the memory of a goldfish. Lore is always good in Supports and this does a great job establishing Elise and Effie’s friendship, while also having some great comedy bits.

Support: Felicia/Niles

C: Felicia spills some soup on Niles. Niles begins stripping seductively. Felicia offers to take his clothes to the laundry.

B: Felicia offers to give Felicia a special, heavenly dessert. Niles assumes she's coming on to him. Felicia gives Niles a cookie.

A: Niles mocks Felicia for not understanding his double entendres. After finding out about Felicia's childhood as a hostage, he apologizes.

S: Niles proposes.

Review: A fun, kinda dumb comedic Support.

Support: Arthur/Mozu

C: Arthur finds Mozu analyzing the soil around camp. Mozu rambles about how farming is awesome.

B: Arthur helps Mozu plow a field. Mozu corrects his form. A: While Arthur is plowing, a heard of dragons fly over and shit all over him. Mozu is overjoyed because dragon droppings are great fertilizer. Also, I'd like to note a script error in this Support: dragons and wyverns are not the same thing. Wyverns are the mounts with animal-level intelligence, dragons are ancient magic beings that can transform into humans. Unless a flock of demigods flew by to shit on Arthur, the game means wyverns.

S: Arthur proposes by giving Mozu a special flower that is supposed to be planted by a husband and wife. Mozu accepts because Arthur's bad luck is a good source of fertilizer.

Review: The start of this Support is a bit bland, but Arthur getting covered in shit is great.

[frostmarris]

Day 5: Thieves & Outlaws | Shapeshifters

Pairing: Deidara/Sakura Haruno/Hidan, Deidara/Hidan

Rating: Teen & Up

Content Warning: a couple of foul mouthed bois

Additional Tags: Modern Magic (magic is secret), Supernatural Creatures, Urban (but actually Rural) Fantasy, Bakery AU, Established Relationship, country roads take me home

Summary: Deidara returns home for the first time in nearly a decade and finds everything just as he remembers it - except for that bakery. Hidan is convinced the pink-haired owner isn't human and they're determined to find out what she's hiding.

Notes: fic #3 and my final entry for the @naruto-fantasy-week ! the thieves and outlaws part applies more to the fic as a whole than this first chapter tho

Slightly different format for this one since tumblr refuses to allow my posts to show up in tags. Links to ffnet and ao3 will be in a reblog!

Enjoy!

whitewoods - chapter one

“So, what - were you, like, a total ‘Children of the Corn’ or some shit growin’ up?”

“First of all, it’s totally the wrong climate for corn here, yeah. Secondly, it was more like tin foil hats and aliens than blood sacrifices.”

At Hidan’s dry look, Deidara laughs and leans back in the driver’s seat, one hand on the steering wheel of the old hatchback and his free arm hanging out the window.

“I’m still reelin’ from finding out that you’re a fucking country bumpkin, Dei. You told me you were from,” Hidan raises his hands, shaking them and hunching his shoulders as he shoots the blond a sarcastic look, “The big city and all that jazz.”

“I was living in a city before we met, hm,” Deidara answers, swapping hands on the wheel and reaching over to smack Hidan’s jazz-handing hands when they drift closer to his face, “I just happened to live in a small town in the middle of bum-fuck nowhere before that.”

He slows down as the winding road running along the side of the mountain - (“We’re not that high up, Hidan, you coward.”) - splits into two at a fork. There had been mountain on both sides of the road for the past hour, a nearly vertical rock wall to their left and a sloped but steep drop to their right, with a river winding through the bottom of the crevice some hundred feet below before the ground climbs back up to form another mountain ridge.

Hidan hadn’t been too excited about being on the side with the drop, but Deidara’s reassurance that at least he’d be unlikely to get crushed immediately by falling rocks had done little to comfort him.

The fork came at an plateau where the mountain seemed to finally back off and give more room for a level, forested area, with the left path heading into the woods. The right path, however, curved outwards and lead downward slightly before feeding onto an old bridge that crossed the shortest gap between the two mountain ridges, a still-considerable drop down to the river running under it. They could see the bridge below from their vantage point, even with a few trees standing in the way - just barely wide enough for two cars at a time and at least four cars long.

“You’re fucking joking ,” Hidan hisses as Deidara heads right, fully turning towards him in his seat. The blond laughs and nearly gets his hand bit when he reaches over to pat Hidan's head.

“Relax , Evel Knievel. The bridge has been around since before I was even born, yeah.” 

“That’s not fuckin’ reassuring,” He mutters in response, sitting back in his seat - spine straight, shoulders stiff, and magenta eyes on the rocky road. The path down winds only a little before it levels out and curves outward even more to approach the bridge, cliffsides and sheer drops momentarily replaced by trees and bushes.

Hidan only realizes they’re on the bridge when the sound of gravel and rocks under the hatchback’s tires gradually gives way to the softer rumble and groans of wooden planks and metal supports. They break through the trees to suddenly reveal the open air of the bridged gap between ridges and Hidan’s hand jumps up to the ceiling handle above his door, knuckles white as he grips it like it’ll save his life.

His gaze drifts to his right even as his head stays completely forward - until Deidara cackles and his glare darts to the blond, still sitting all relaxed with an arm out the window and one hand on the wheel.

“Hand off the Jesus Handle, yeah. I’m not gonna drive us off the side and hurtling down to our deaths.” Deidara grins and nods to the stretch of bridge ahead. “There’s railings and I’m barely pushing 15, hm. An eager turtle could beat us to the other side.”

“I’ll fuckin’ let go when you put both of your damn hands on the shittin’ wheel, dickhead.”

Hidan’s grumble earns him another laugh but Deidara relents and pulls his arm out of the window, both hands on the steering wheel as they cross the bridge. The relief on Hidan’s face is clear as day when they make it to the other side and he slumps back with a sigh, side-eyeing the blond when he cackles again.

“If I’d known you were afraid of heights, I wouldn’t have asked you to come with me, yeah.”

“I’m not afraid of heights,” He huffs, grabbing the pack of cigarettes in the glovebox. “I just don’t trust infrastructure built by fuckin' country bumpkins."

Deidara rolls his eyes but leans over as he offers him one, both hands still on the wheel and the cigarette between his lips as Hidan digs his lighter out of his pocket. Taking a drag once it’s lit, Deidara returns to his relaxed position again and follows the road as it winds through the woods and gradually begins to slope downwards.

The scenic peace of the mountain forest is rather ruined by the metal music blaring out the open windows of the beat-up car - which adds to the cacophony with its own grinds and grunts - and the pair make idle conversation as they travel, Hidan eventually opening up his fifth soda of the day. He unbuckles long enough to turn in his seat, get his knees under him, and dig around in the back to grab the rest stop sandwiches they’d bought before they entered truly bum-fuck nowhere that morning.

He opens the plastic wrap around Deidara’s enough for the blond to get to the bread and chicken salad before passing it over and starting on his own mini Italian sub.

"So, why do you have to be the one to get your old man's shit in order?" Hidan asks around ciabatta and salami, flicking a crumb out his window. "Aren't there fuckin' people for that?"

Deidara grimaces and takes a long sip from his energy drink before he answers. "Apparently he left everything to me in his will, hm."

Eyebrows raised, Hidan turns and gestures at him with his sandwich. 

"Wasn't it, like, a decade since you had last spoken to the old fuck?"

A shrug and a nod and the car takes a left turn onto a road that Hidan hadn't even spotted through the brush. The trees thin out and the road curves and the ground starts to gradually disappear to their left side and rise on their right until they're traveling along a cliffside again, but mirrored to earlier. This road seems even more rocky and rough than the other but, fortunately, it doesn't last long until Hidan can see the opening to a tunnel ahead.

He sends Deidara one last skeptical look, inwardly hoping they weren't lost, before they enter the tunnel and begin to cut through part of the mountain rather than travel along it. Deidara turns down the music a bit as it echoes almost jarringly through the passage, soon flicking on the high-beams and taking another bite of his sandwich. The road isn't perfectly straight so it's a while before they can see the light at the other end. While Hidan isn't sure exactly how much ground they'd covered through the tunnel, since the road seemed to serpentine a lot, he's still surprised when they break out into the open air again and, once again, there's a rock wall on Deidara’s side and a drop on his own.

He feels like they're right back where they'd started before the bridge, but his snarky comment is cut short when he looks out his window and sees the valley below.

Some of the trees are still bare from the winter - it's not quite spring yet, so cold but not cold cold - and most of the ones that have leaves make canopies that are mostly yellow, dappled here and there with bright green and light brown. White peeks out from under the treetops  in spots and Hidan would have thought it was snow if he hadn't known any better. The valley stretches out into the distance before the edges of the mountain ranges begin to creep upwards once more around it, a few gently sloping hills transforming into steeper inclines but backing off before the mountain can fully enclose the forest. There's an odd 'bald spot' on the other side - not the exact opposite point from the tunnel's exit, but a fairly long stretch of forest between the spot and their current position - where the trees thin slightly before disappearing entirely. 

It climbs up the hills a ways, carving out a noticeable patch, and, if Hidan looks really hard, he's pretty sure he can see tiny buildings in the far far distance.

The road leading out of the tunnel begins to almost immediately slope downwards. Not too steeply, but definitely noticeable. It runs along the mountainside in a long, winding serpentine, doubling back on itself several times to make the climb from the tunnel to the valley less of a sheer drop.

Hidan doesn't realize he'd been practically hanging out the window to get a look at the valley until the hatchback takes one of the turns and he finds himself facing the other way. He nearly climbs across Deidara to look out his side and the blond laughs, shoving him back into his seat.

"I thought you didn't want the drop on your side, yeah?"

Snorting, Hidan sits back and takes a large bite out of his sub. "Shut that damn smug mouth of yours and drive."

Deidara’s amusement drifts out the open windows of the car until he returns his attention to his sandwich and turns the music back up, sending a few startled birds into the air.

: :

They finally make it down into the valley proper and Hidan nearly shoves his face against the windshield as the view of an ocean of yellow leaves dotted with green, brown, and the occasional white suddenly changes to pillars of bright white and black spots. The white extends deep, deep into the forest, with a sea of green from the grass and underbrush below, a canopy of yellow above, and splotches of leaves from lower branches appearing here and there in the middle.

A dirt and gravel road cuts through the forest, managing a straight path for a while before it eventually begins to wind like all the other roads. The trees are thin and gangly but tall and sturdy and Hidan eventually sends Deidara an admittedly curious look, ignoring the blond's amused grin.

"What kinda trees are these anyways?" He asks before quickly adding a overly-disinterested, "They look fucking weird."

"Birch, hm."

"What is that? The new betch ? I was just asking a fucking question, you asshat-"

"No!" Deidara laughs, cutting him off. "Birch ! They're birch trees!"

Hidan's eyes narrow at him before he looks out his window again, regarding the white trees skeptically. The further into the forest they drove, the more densely packed the trees grew, making it hard to see anything other than the white and black of their trunks and the green of the forest floor - the scene only broken by the brown of the road ahead.

"They're one of the only good things about my hometown, yeah," Deidara says after a stretch of silence, downing the last of his energy drink. "Not the best for climbing, but they look cool as shit."

"They look like they're covered in eyes," Hidan says watching the trees as they pass by. The knots and bumps along the trunks are accented by the black markings, some curved and spotted just right that they look like eyes, gazing at them as they travel through the woods.

"Fuckin' creepy," Hidan adds, despite the amused smile on his face.

Deidara nods in agreement and they drive in silence for a while, the road taking them over a few hills and back down before, eventually, taller and hardier trees begin to intermingle in the sea of birch. The trees are still densely packed and make it difficult to see what lays ahead but, finally, they open up to reveal the town.

The treeline circles around the town, following the dips and curves of its edges, and climbing up the start of the mountain a ways before the birch trees are fully replaced with more stereotypical woods - spruce, oak, balsam, pine. There's several levels to the town as it rises and falls with the hills and Hidan wouldn't be surprised if there were houses higher on the mountainside, looking out over the valley. While there only seems to be one main road - which has finally become paved and easier riding - leading into the town, it soon begins branching off to spiderweb out, winding out of sight as buildings block the view.

Deidara stays on the main road for a while before he finally turns onto one of the side paths, back onto a gravel road that leads into a residential area. Each time Hidan thinks they're about to arrive at his childhood home, Deidara keeps on driving, passing homes and trees until there's more of the latter than the former.

The road heads upwards and Hidan sends the blond a raised eyebrow as they rise into the hills around the valley, green and brown trees cutting off their view again. There's a few dirt roads that branch off from their current one, heading deeper into mountainside woods, and most of which are barred by gates connected to rustic fences, overgrown by brush.

Finally, Deidara turns onto one of the dirt paths and they climb a little higher still before the ground levels out, the trees still dense until it finally opens up again after an almost ten minute drive. There's a rather rundown fence running the perimeter of the main yard and the house looks like a cross between a cabin from a slasher movie about a summer camp in the mountains and something out of a '50s show about moonshiners.

There's other, more in-shape fencing stemming from the yard making enclosures for a few various farm animals with smaller sheds of their own and what looks like a path leading behind the house to a more open area, likely with a garden and crops. The gate to the front yard is open and Deidara drives right through, parking the hatchback in a spot to the left where the grass is worn down and bare from constant use.

The pair exit the car and Deidara stretches while Hidan turns to stare out over the property, eventually turning to look at his companion.

"Holy shit," He says, earning him a raised eyebrow from Deidara. "You are a damned country bumpkin!"

Deidara shoots him a glare and moves to open the back of the car. 

"Bullshit, yeah. Like hell I am."

Hidan points an accusatory finger at him, shouting loud enough to startle some chickens in a nearby coop.

"Fucking mountain hick farm boy! "

"You shut your damn mouth, hm. "

He gestures to the damning evidence behind them, arms spread out wide while Deidara grabs their bags from the trunk.

"Look at all these animals! This is a fuckin' farm !"

The blond throws a duffel bag at Hidan's face and crosses his arms, looking unamused.

"Like hell it is, yeah. There's just some goats and chickens and a couple sheep and... some pigs out back... and a few ducks…" Deidara’s assured tone starts to waver as he looks away, expression growing slightly strained and concerned. "And I did have a pair of rabbits when I was ten, and the cow…" 

Hidan makes a slightly strangled, horrified sound and Deidara quickly tries to recover. 

"But the old man sold it years ago, yeah! That's it! Mostly just goats and chickens, hm! Not a farm."

As if on cue, there's a honk from the right side of the yard and the two look to see a large white bird in the chicken corral, walking the edge of the fence.

"Is that a fucking goose. "

"L-listen, hm-"

"Only ponds in shitty public parks and farms have gooses!"

"Geese."

"Farm boy! " Hidan shouts, hurling the duffel bag back at him and throwing his arms into the air as he turns away.

"I've been living with a total Ma and Pa , overalls and fuckin' straw hat, "Princess Bride" bullshit farm boy !" He laments, slapping a hand on the roof of the car and sending the blond a betrayed look. "I thought you were cool. "

Deidara rolls his eyes and hefts the second bag onto his shoulder before closing the hatchback.

"Hey, the "Princess Bride" dude ends up becoming a pirate, yeah."

"His name is Westley, you uncultured swine."

Hidan gets a duffel bag to the face again and then the second bag shoved into his arms while Deidara heads towards the front porch.

"Just quit your whining and help me take the shit inside, hm!"

Hidan snickers under his breath but follows after him, both bags resting on his shoulder as he watches Deidara lift pots of mostly dead and dying plants distributed here and there on the porch.

"Which one was it..?" He mutters to himself before finally letting out a victorious shout as he finds the spare key under the barely-surviving coleus. The squeak and groan of the door is grating as it swings open and the pair enter rather cautiously, expecting to be met with cobwebs and inches of dust.

But the interior of the house is fairly clean and Hidan flicks the lights on - surprised they actually work - before moving to drop the bags on an old-looking couch while Deidara heads left into the kitchen, checking to see if the water was still running.

"Right, yeah," Deidara mutters again after he turns the faucet off and opens the window behind the sink. "It's only been a couple weeks."

"Not much in the fridge," Hidan calls behind him, not even daring to sniff the carton of milk. "How long do you plan on staying again?"

"Just long enough to go through shit, figure out what to keep and what to toss, cancel the utilities, and find a buyer for the animals, hm." He answers, checking the cabinets with a frown. "I'll deal with getting into selling the property some other time."

Hidan leans against the doorframe to the kitchen, arms crossed and eyebrow quirked. "Sounds like at least a week."

Deidara groans and nods, moving past him to plop down on the couch. Hidan soon joins him, making a face at how the couch springs give a high squeak but leaning back as he stretches.

"Couch is only gonna fit one of us," He says with a grunt, laying his arms along the back before craning his neck to look deeper into the house. "I'm sure as fuck not sleepin' on your old man's bed. Where's your room?"

Deidara leans back as well with a sigh and rests his head on Hidan's forearm. "Down the hall, last door on the right. Doubt he kept all my stuff though, yeah. My old mattress is only a twin if it's still around."

They sit there for a little while longer, the door to the quiet house still open to let the fresh air in and the distant sound of the animals outside making a strange but peaceful white noise. The pair eventually get up and search the house, finding that Deidara’s old room had been converted into an office plus home gym of sorts - a desk and chair with an old as balls computer, a few bookshelves, and a stationary bike facing the singular window. 

"There's a camping and hiking store in town, hm," Deidara suggests, thumbing through a few of the books on the shelves. "They should have sleeping bags or somethin'."

Hidan nods and hops onto the exercise bike, testing it out before he glances back. "Gonna need food and a fuckton of trash bags too."

They meander around the house for another ten minutes, checking rooms and struggling to get the door to the attic open before deciding they'll have to wedge it open later with something. Eventually, the pair head back out to the car, Deidara locking the house up and pocketing the spare key before they journey back down into the town. Windows up and their music a little quieter now - it's just past 3 PM and they don't want to piss off the locals just yet - they drive around the town until Deidara remembers where the camping store (and Main Street as a whole) is.

The two of them look entirely out of place in their ripped and worn jeans, leather and bomber jackets, and old band shirts and they earn themselves a few odd looks. But they don't seem too bothered and head into the rustic store, Hidan beelining for the taxidermy bear rising above the racks of insulated clothing.

The other shop patrons send the young men curious stares before the shopkeep, and older, burly man behind the counter, greets them.

"Afternoon, boys. Here to do some, ah... hiking?" He watches Hidan poke and prod the stuffed bear's nose before turning his attention to Deidara as the blond heads towards the counter.

"Nah," Blue eyes scan the walls, looking for a sign for bedding. "Just need to grab a couple sleeping bags, hm."

The shopkeep directs him to the back right corner of the store and Deidara searches through the small selection of sleeping bags while Hidan drifts over to the display of fishing poles. 

Deidara’s weighing his options between two of the most comfortable looking styles before his gaze moves to the nearby shelves and his face lights up in a grin. He quickly returns the sleeping bags to the racks and snatches a fairly large box off the shelf, rushing off to grab Hidan, who quickly nods his exuberant approval at Deidara’s find.

They leave the shop with a couple clean blankets and the air mattress tucked under Hidan's arm, depositing everything in the car before heading down the street to the grocery store. They get mostly essentials but end up messing around in the snack aisle long enough to get more chips than they certainly need before finally heading back, one of the bags of trail mix open and in Hidan’s hands before Deidara can even start the car.

He gets a pretzel thrown into his mouth with frightening precision when he starts to complain and Hidan laughs, offering a rye chip in apology some moments later.

They make it most of the way down Main Street before Deidara is suddenly slamming on the breaks and sending the bag of trail mix flying out of Hidan’s hand and spilling onto the dash.

"What the hell, man! " Hidan shouts, brushing mini breadsticks off his lap while Deidara stares out the windshield. "What was that fo-?!"

"What the fuck, " The blond interrupts, pointing an accusatory finger at the building sat on the corner of the block, right next to the post office, "Is that?! "

Hidan sends him a bewildered look and follows his point to squint quizzically at the small building.

"It... looks like a bakery or some shit?" He looks to Deidara again, incredibly confused. "What the fuck, Dei. You okay?"

Indeed, the building on the corner looked to be a bakery. Clean glass windows out front showcase an array of sweets and breads, mostly whole loaves and a few jarred goods. Outside on the sidewalk are a few bistro tables and chairs, most occupied by townsfolk enjoying sweet treats and steaming cups of what was either coffee or tea. The building stood out from the rest of the rustic Main Street, painted in mismatched colors with shrubs just under the windows blooming with early, pale purple flowers. A white wooden sign hangs out over the street, connected by chains to the awning over the shop's front and swinging slightly in the breeze.

Hidan has to squint, but he's pretty sure it says Flour Hour.

"That used to be the arcade..." Deidara says quietly, making Hidan glance over in surprise. He looks devastated but also vaguely pissed, but he's pulled from his thoughts when a car behind them honks and the pair jump in surprise, quickly moving forward.

"It was, like, the only fun thing to do in town, hm!" He laments, eyes flickering over to the colorful building. "I can't believe some jackass went and turned it into a bakery! "

"Let's pull in and check it out," Hidan suggests as they start to pass the parking spots in front of the bakery, reaching over to nudge Deidara’s shoulder. "Maybe it's a weird combo bakery and arcade. Like those fuckin' KFC-Taco Bell-gas stations."

Lips pursed, Deidara seems to think it over for a few moments before nodding and quickly pulling into one of the open spaces, glaring through the windshield. "Muffins and Mortal Kombat. Right, yeah. I could deal with that."

Hidan grins and the pair hop out. The sweet scent of the flowers out front punches them in the face moments before the smell of coffee and various baked goods greets them, nearly making them reel back in surprise. It's an overwhelming but wonderful smell and they exchange glances before heading inside.

A bell rings over the door as it opens and it's quickly apparent that the Flour Hour isn't a combination bakery-and-arcade. 

There's several more tables and chairs set up inside and along the right side of the shop is a long L-shaped display case, heading into the back corner before turning to connect to the marble counter at the rear of the bakery. It's filled with cakes and bread and sweets and numerous delicious-looking goods - some rustic, some delicate, and some intricate enough to belong in a more upscale patisserie. Behind the back counter is a rather vintage looking coffee maker and a more modern espresso machine, as well as shelves of bags of beans, various tins of tea, a few random mugs, and all the makings of a decent batista setup. Along the right wall are two tall bookshelves filled with rows of jarred jams and honey and tins of spices and herbs, standing on either side of a bay window nook that looks out at the small park at the end of Main Street.

The front end of the shop is rather small, only a little under half of the building’s total as surely the rest is reserved for the bakery itself in the back. It's busy and bustling despite the time of day and all of the small tables are filled with people enjoying their goodies and beverages. A pair of young women are behind the counter, one grabbing muffins from a display case and the other making a cappuccino.

"Oh! Welcome in!" Says a voice suddenly to their right. Hidan and Deidara simultaneously look over to see a woman they hadn't noticed through the window outside, a long paper bag in hand as she grabs one of the loaves of bread in the window.

"Never seen you two before - passing through?" She asks, straightening up and offering them both a smile. "Well, we'll still be open for a bit longer so feel free to have a look at what we have left - the girls behind the counter will help you when you're ready!"

She turns to head towards the back of the shop, offering the bread loaf to a woman at the checkout counter, and Deidara and Hidan stare.

She's beautiful, they both happen to be thinking - bright green eyes, freckles dusted across her soft face, a little shorter than Deidara but a build that suggests she could probably suplex either of them, and long, long soft pink hair pulled back in a braid that swings behind her as she walks. The lovely young woman is dressed in overalls that are splattered in paint at the knees and a long-sleeved striped shirt, green and white. Her apron is dusted with either flour or powdered sugar in the front and they can see colorful socks peeking under the rolled cuffs of her overalls, her shoes also covered in flour.

Deidara blinks, tilts his head slightly, then smiles, nudging Hidan’s arm with his elbow.

"No Pac Man, but I can't bring myself to complain. This place is much better than an arcade, yeah?" He looks up at Hidan when he doesn't reply, an eyebrow raised before his expression turns confused at the intensity behind Hidan’s stare.

Magenta eyes pinned to the pink-haired woman, Hidan's own silver brows are furrowed, a small frown on his face as he seems to be trying to decipher something, never pulling his gaze away even as Deidara prods his cheek with a finger. The blond watches him for a moment before eventually shrugging and moving to head to the cases.

"Well, I'm gonna see what kind of cupcakes they've got, hm."

Hidan’s eyebrows furrow even more before his eyes go wide and bewildered and then alarmed and his hand shoots out to snatch the back collar of Deidara’s jacket, yanking him backwards and quickly dragging him out of the bakery.

His startled, choked shout earns the pair a few curious looks but Deidara soon finds himself being shoved into the passenger seat of the car after Hidan grabs the key out of his pocket, slamming the door and sliding over the hood to quickly hop behind the wheel. Ignoring Deidara’s confused sputters, Hidan quickly backs out of the parking space and heads back to the main road, recalling the way back to the house and driving a little faster than he probably should be. 

"What the fuck was that, man?!" Deidara shouts, managing to right himself in his seat.

"That chick," Hidan starts, hands gripping the steering wheel tightly as he stares ahead with a hard look. "She-"

"She was gorgeous, yeah, but just cause you got cold feet doesn't mean you can just drag me out by the scruff and choke the shit outta me!" Grumbling, he reaches up to straighten his collar, shooting the other man a glare. "Dibs by the way. And I really did want one of those cupcakes, hm."

"You don't fuckin' get it ," Hidan hisses under his breath, finally tearing his gaze away from the road to look at Deidara, his expression rather frazzled. 

His own expression turning confused and slightly concerned, Deidara sits back and lets him continue.

"I don't know what the fuck is going on in this Mountain Man bullshit town of yours," He says, reaching up to run a hand through his silver hair. "But that chick back there.."

Hidan turns to look at him again, his gaze hard and his expression dead serious.

"She was not human."

[littleeyesofpallas]

The Visored had this whole tortured souls, trapped between two worlds kind of thing going for them at the start that Kubo just kinda left behind and never really got back to... (you can see how this series of posts went from clearing up mistranslations to just full on spotlighting lost plot threads...)  There were parts that he sort of half-salvaged late in the arc (and I’m actually still convinced that he took the overall plot for them that he lost in the Arrancar Arc and used that as the backbone of the Fullbringer arc) but let’s look at some of the foundations of the Visored that he set up at the start of the arc...

禁術を使って虚(ホロウ)の能力を手にしようとした元死神の無法集団 所在も思想も一切不明 厄介だぜ

A lawless group of former-Shinigami who tried to get the powers of Hollows using forbidden arts. Whereabouts and ideologies both entirely unclear. It's troublesome

This is the first real description of the Visored we get, other than the obvious visual explanation that they’ve got zanpakutou and hollow masks like Ichigo.  It sets up their basic profile as a mysterious group, known broadly to Urahara and Isshin but with no specific details.  Other bits of that scene also establish that Urahara and Isshin had expected them to show up and approach Ichigo, as well as implies that they’ve discussed it specifically.  Considering the timeline of events in which Isshin has only just seen his son again after the whole Rukia rescue arc that started with Ichigo having to train to get his powers back, the fact that Isshin knew about Ichigo’s mask means he knew what Urahara had done to Ichigo, possibly from the moment Ichigo left to go train.

What I think is interesting is that for one, they’re called “lawless” which is a little vague given how little is really being said here; the word 無法 would most commonly mean “Lawlessness”/”Injustice”/”Wrong” and such as a noun, and as an adj. it can mean the same BUT it can also mean “Disorderly” or even just “Outrageous.”  The reason being that the word 法 can mean both a formal structure of law, as well as just a general system of organization.  It might be that they’re just calling them disorderly because they aren’t part of the Gotei 13 or Soul Society at large, or don’t have formal ranks like they do; as opposed to accusing them of some distinct immoral quality.  On the other hand it’s also possible that this is just calling them “outlaws” in the sense that by being Visorsed, they have broken the law of Soul Society.

It also establishes, albeit in slightly odd terms, that no one knows what the Visored want.  This is actually a really solid mystery hook and one I’ll revisit as we go through some more scenes...

Here’s a good line that every English translation I’ve seen totally botched!

オレは"仮面の軍勢"(ヴァイザード) オマエの同類や そっち側に居るべき 人間やない—————

I'M a VISORED. I'm the same as YOU. A human shouldn't be over there on that side—————

In particular every English translation I’ve seen goes with something like, “you don’t belong with them” and completely neglects that Kubo very specifically uses the word 人間: “Human.”  The side he’s saying Ichigo doesn’t belong with, are the Shinigami.  It was always kind of implied by the way the Visored were living in the human world, but Shinji is in fact calling the Visored more Human than Shinigami: He JUST told Ichigo they were the same, and then called Ichigo Human.  And this idea gets followed up a few scenes later when Hiyori is introduced...

Jinxed myself... I just realized I totally flubbed this translation.  I forgot I set aside bits of this line with Shinji’s dialect because I knew I’d have to work around those, but in this case I forgot to substitute the standard Japanese back in.  The phrase, 人間やない: “ningen yanai” is an accented way of saying 人間じゃない: “ningen janai.”  As in a “not-Human.”  So the translation should actually read as,

I'M a VISORED. I'm the same as YOU. You should be over on the sidewith your own kind, Not-Humans—————

...うちキライや人間

わかっとる

...死神も... ...キライや...

...わかっとる

HIYORI: ...I hate humans

SHINJI: I know (said in agreement)

HIYORI: ...Shinigami too... ...I hate them...

SHINJI: I know (said in agreement)

It’s a little clunky to translate but the phrase, わかっとる: “wakaru” has some specific usage that I tried to clarify above.  Actually in looking for the grammatical term to explain this better, I just found an all around better explanation:

Usage notes: The verb “wakaru” is most often glossed as “to understand.” However, “wakaru” is intransitive, and it takes the thing that is understood as the subject, and not the object. Strictly speaking, “wakaru” is thus closer to English “to be understandable,” as the verb “wakaru“ describes the thing itself, unlike English “to understand,” which describes the action of the person doing the understanding.

So when Shinji replies to the effect of “I get it...” every time Hiyori says she hates Humans/Shinigami, he’s not just affirming that he’s listening, he’s agreeing with the sentiment.  He also hates humans.  He also hates the shinigami.  This implicitly carries over to the Visored as a whole, and it implies that they’ve had a whole history and drama of not being accepted by human society.... although we never get any elaboration on that...

But let’s back up a bit to Shinji’s encounter with Ichigo again, because the Visored have a lot of factional drama going for them at the start here...

...もう遅いねん仮面の軍勢(ヴァイザード)は一遍発症したら二度と元には戻られへん  オマエが どう思おうが オマエはもうこっち側やねん一護

It's too late. It's all over. When VISORED symptoms appear, you can never go back.   No matter what YOU think, YOU are already on this side

Of note here, 発症: “outbreak of an illness;” “onset of an illness;” “appearance of symptoms;” “for signs of an illness to appear.”  Which is super interesting and suggests a few things about the nature of the Visored as hybrids, their own perspective on their condition, and the implied backstory they have at this juncture...

...織姫チャンも デクいのも メガネも 他のいろんな 死神達も みんな仲間やと思てるやろオマエ? 違うで  仲間でおれんのは今だけや

Orihime-CHAN, BLOCKHEAD, GLASSES, and the other Shinigami (referred to as a collective group)  Do you think they're your friends/comrades?  That's wrong. They're friends/comrades only for now

今のまま死神でおり続けたらオマエはいずれ必ず内なる虚(ホロウ)に呑まれて正気を失う そうなったら終いや  オマエの力は全てを壊です仲間も未来も お前自身も ぜんぶ巻き込んでコナゴナのォ

As it is, if you continue to be a Shinigami, YOU will eventually lose your sanity by being swallowed by the inner HOLLOW. Then it's the end.  YOUR power will destroy everything: Friends/Comrades, future, you yourself, all involved, every little bi~t, swallowed up.

...ホンマはもう 気ィ付いてんのと違うか?  お前自身の内なる虚(ホロウ)がもう手ェつけろられんぐらい巨かなっとるゆうことに...

THE TRUTH, by now you re~alize it, don't you? In other words, you can't ha~ndle your own inner HOLLOW it's gotten so huge.

So part of what was really intriguing about all this, back in the day when this information was just whatever we could scrape out of one chapter at a time each week, was that Shinji talks about inner Hollows, talks about them like they’re a disease, and talks about how there’s no reversing the Hollowization.  He suggests that he can teach Ichigo how to deal with the inner Hollow in such a way that he won’t destroy everything/one around him.  But he doesn’t specify what that method really is, even vaguely.  So, when Ichigo does go to them, there’s a nebulous sense of not knowing what he’s actually signing up for..  Even when he begins undergoing his training and faces down his inner Hollow, we don’t actually know if the goal is for him to destroy the hollow, to beat it into submission, to make peace with it, etc...

This all also HIGHLY suggests that every Visored also has an inner Hollow; they’re aware of it as a concept, they have a method specifically built for dealing with it, they have the obviously parallels with Ichigo that suggest their powers work similarly, and the arc overall eventually sets up the idea that Arrancar, Shinigami, and Visored all have a kind of true self or manifested soul that defines their unique sword/mask/release form.  But here’s the fun part,

When Ichigo is in the middle of his training, we get a matching pair of chapter covers (217 and 220) following Kubo’s formula established back during the Soul Society arc, with the cast of Shinigami, of having a bold written name of a character behind a portrait.  Ichigo’s inner Hollow’s “name” is just Ichigo’s name mirrored, which is exactly how Hirako wrote his name on the chalkboard when he showed up in Karakura High.  (Also keep in mind that Sakanade was hundreds of chapters away from being introduced at that point, and very likely not even a real idea for Hirako’s sword power yet.)  In the context of the early arc, the suggestion here was that Shinji never “conquered” his inner Hollow, he was his inner Hollow --or in the very least the two were at peace in a way that allowed Shinji to incorporate it into his own personality.

It’s a round about way to try to point it out, but really it just looks like the original concept for the whole inner Hollow conflict was just Ichigo learning to accept his negative character traits as a part of himself, rather than deny and repress them. (It’s basically what wound up being the exact dynamic of Person 4′s shadows actually...)

But this all is why I’ve always had the distinct feeling that Kubo’s original plan for the Visored wasn’t for them to be a bunch of captains and lieutenants at all; I think they were supposed to be a bunch of humans who got Shinigami powers by surviving being Hollowified, just like Ichigo did.  I think their secret motive was going to be two-fold: firstly they’d claim their goal was to gain the Hougyoku to use it’s distortion powers to mend the wall between their two forms to rid them of their Hollows, as the general descriptions of the Hollow symptoms and Ichigo’s personal motives would suggest --and for which they’d be willing to fight Aizen and the Arrancar-- but then the twist reveal would be that they really wanted to Hougyoku to further their transformations rather than revert them, and that their villainous motives would be in part facilitated by the fact that they were basically Hollows in human bodies...  And you might notice parts of that sound an awful lot like what the Fullbringer plot wound up being...

I also have a theory that there was something else going on with the Arrancar/Hollows, specifically the Vastlords, but that’ll have to wait for another post...

[firelxdykatara]

If Zutara were to be canon,thanks to Aaron Ehasz,how will this affect Legend Of Korra?

This is a difficult question to answer, mostly because it would of necessity rely on a whole lot of assumptions and biases, and without asking Aaron himself (in private, where he wouldn’t have to worry about kicking off another fandom war), it’s impossible to answer with any degree of certainty.

Now, I can talk about how I, personally, think things would have been different if Zutara had been canon–which, for me, means that the epilogue of book 3 was just the tea shop scene, and we got a book 4 where, as Aaron briefly mentioned on twitter and in various interviews, the consequences of energy-bending were explored, the lost Air Nomads were found, Azula had her redemption arc (which would probably have tied into the search for Ursa, which I would’ve loved to see Aaron’s take on in book 4, especially considering the crap the comics handed to us), and Zuko and Katara grew closer and entered into a relationship by the end of the season.

(Before I start exploring this in more depth, I want to head off ‘delusional Zutarian’ arguments at the pass–I’m not saying it’s 100% confirmed that Aaron was planning to make ZK canon in book 4. I am saying (as I’ve said before) that, given the set up and development in canon, and the way Aaron himself has talked about how he develops characters and relationships, I believe he (and other writers/artists/crew members) was leaning heavily towards that particular relationship and would have explored it further in book 4 had he been allowed to.)

Putting the rest under a read more cause this got long.

We know some of what Aaron had plans for–Azula’s redemption, the consequences of energybending, the lost Air Nomads–but nothing super concrete. Going from that, then, I believe that in Book 4, the Gaang would have split up for a good chunk of it. (Please note that most of the rest of this is pure speculation.) There’s a lot of ground Book 4 would’ve had to cover–the Gaang in the beginning would’ve split off to head to their respective homes (Sokka and Katara to the SWT, Suki to Kyoshi Island, Toph… ok, Toph probably just stuck around Caldera and this would’ve been a great time to have the Toph&Zuko life-changing-field-trip episode we were denied in canon) to touch base with the families and friends they’d left behind to go on their save-the-world tour.

For his part, Aang would’ve returned to Guru Pathik. While he got a last-second Hail Mary (in the form of a conveniently placed rock, which still boggles my mind, but whatever) when fighting Ozai, he still was not a fully realized Avatar, and since I’m bitter that the Guru Pathik/chakras plot was almost entirely dropped after the book 2 finale, I’m saying he’d have gone back to finally finish that training because it makes sense and because I can. Anyway, he returns to the Guru, and by this point he has accepted that Katara doesn’t return his feelings the way he’d like her to (a call back to The Fortuneteller, which should have been foreshadowing for Aang’s emotional growth, barring the last twenty seconds of the episode).

Furthermore, he’s learned that ‘letting her go’ doesn’t mean he can’t care about her or want her in his life to be the Avatar (after all, previous Avatars have had love and even been married–Kuruk isn’t that great of an example, given that his love life got him killed, but Kyoshi lived over two centuries and had multiple loves over her incredibly long life, and Roku was married and had descendants of his own), it just means letting go of his expectations–letting go of the selfish aspects of his love, the parts that lead him to nod in agreement when actors on a play told fake!Katara ‘I thought you were the Avatar’s girl’, and that lead him to expect her to return his feelings and push against her boundaries when she told him she wasn’t sure and was confused. (He said “We kissed at the invasion and I thought we were gonna be together, but we’re not.” even though a) he kissed her without any warning, she did not kiss him, and she looked away and frowned afterwards, and b) she never once brought up the kiss again or hinted that her feelings towards him had changed and become romantic, so he had no reason to believe they’d ‘be together’.)

Ok that was a bit of a tangent, but the upshot is, Guru Pathik helps Aang fully master the Avatar State. While on that particular journey, Aang has to deal with the consequences of energybending–he pulled Ozai’s energy into himself, and he has to deal with the sudden darkness that was absorbed into his spirit. He also receives some sort of hint, possibly from a dream or meeting with a spirit, that with balance returning to the world, the Air Nomads can start to return, too.

Sokka, Suki, and Toph wind up going with Aang on his journey to figure out just what the spirits meant by that. They discover that the Air Nomads weren’t totally eradicated by Sozin (which would’ve been impossible, since we already know that inter-nation relationships happened in the past [Avatar Kyoshi’s mother was an airbender], and they were, well… nomads), but those who survived (because they weren’t at the temples at the time, or some who hadn’t attained mastery managed to escape) assimilated into the Earth Kingdom and even some in the Fire Nation. Because the world was incredibly out of balance following the decimation of the Air Nomad population, and because many of them were suddenly in a situation where showing they were airbenders was a death sentence, their spirit as a population was almost completely broken, and they stopped being able to airbend. In the present, Aang finds descendants of Air Nomad survivors, including Ty Lee (and, in my HC, Jet, who shows up alive bc I want him to get the healing arc he didn’t get in canon) who are beginning to discover they can airbend.

Meanwhile, Zuko asked Katara to accompany him on his journey to find his mother–it’s a callback to TSR, when he helped her gain closure for her mother’s murder, and since he wants to bring Azula too, he asked for Katara’s help sister-wrangling. They eventually find Ursa (who did not willingly forget her children, and who did not send a letter to her former lover to make Ozai question Zuko’s paternity, because in the show she was not a horrible person and she loved her children more than anything tyvm), as well as Kiyi (the only good thing to come out of that comic), and Azula finally gets the sort of closure she could never have before, and there is a heavy focus on her emotional journey. Zuko is there to support her, and Katara is there to support Zuko. In the process, Katara winds up with an odd sort of mildly antagonistic friendship with Azula, who gets to a point where she can good-naturedly tease Katara about her growing feelings for Zuko.

ANYWAY. I realize you were asking primarily how it would affect LoK, and I went on a whole ass book 4 tangent. So here’s how I see it changing the landscape in LoK.

First of all, Katara is granted the importance she is due. She has a statue in most major cities, including both Caldera and Republic City. Katara married Zuko and became one of the most beloved Fire Ladies in Fire Nation history, partly because she didn’t assimilate and give up her own home and culture, and she never hesitated to speak her mind during council meetings. It put off much of the nobility, especially in the first few years of their marriage, but Zuko had survived many an assassination attempt by then, and he valued his wife’s input above his closest advisors and never made a secret of it. The nobles could either accept it or risk losing their titles, which several of them did because they figured the Fire Lord was bluffing, only to find out he wasn’t in the slightest.

Katara was also active in the White Lotus, which she wound up leading along with Sokka and Zuko (who’d passed the mantle of Fire Lord onto their eldest daughter, Izumi, once they felt she was ready to lead), and when Aang passed away, they immediately began the search for the next Avatar.

Most of Korra’s early life would’ve been the same, Katara and Sokka saved her from the Red Lotus’ kidnapping attempt, and she wound up raised at the White Lotus compound where she learned waterbending, firebending, and earthbending, and was on the cusp of learning airbending from Tenzin (who was Aang’s kid with someone else–given his design, his mother could’ve been literally anyone, Toph or one of the returned Air Nomads or someone else entirely) when he got called back to Republic City, and she followed.

From here, well… ok, there’s a lot I would change about LoK just in general. Thinking specifically of how Zutara would have affected things, and with the stipulation that Aaron was still the head writer for LoK, I like to think that Katara wouldn’t have been rendered weak and useless (seriously, a bloodbender locked away Korra’s bending, but Katara–allegedly the most powerful waterbender alive, and the one who single-handedly got bloodbending outlawed–couldn’t undo it with bloodbending???), and would have been allowed to, for example, fight to protect her family (while Tenzin and his children wouldn’t have been her direct relations [unless, instead of Pema, he wound up marrying Zuko and Katara’s youngest daughter??? that’s an idea], they would still have been family, as Aang’s only living descendants) and taken a more active part in the water tribe civil war (which would have been given the narrative arc it was due instead of being a half-assed vehicle for ridiculous spirit world shenanigans). And besides, a gaang reunion episode where Zuko, Katara, Suki (because screw LoK for having her just up and disappear lmfao) and Toph fight the Red Lotus together just like old times??? That would’ve been fucking amazing.

(We got to see old ass men in AtLA fight like they were in their prime, including one who was over a century old. What was LoK’s excuse???)

Since we got the return of the Air Nomads in book 4 of LoK there would be no need for the spirit portals or the ‘harmonic convergence’, and instead Korra’s spiritual journey hinges on her trauma from the end of Book 1. The biggest difference, here, is that I have always been incredibly dissatisfied with the fact that Korra just stared sadly over the edge of a cliff and was suddenly able to unlock the Avatar State and get her bending back. Keeping in mind the way Aaron Ehasz excelled at character journeys in the original show, I think she should have ended book 1 with her bending locked completely. Katara was able to reverse whatever it was Amon did to her (and Amon, by the way, didn’t get killed–the Equalists also didn’t just disappear, and the thread of nonbender oppression carries through the rest of the series, to be revisited and finally resolved in book 4), but it didn’t give Korra her bending back, because the trauma she suffered was just as psychological as it was a physical block to her bending.

Book 2, therefore, would’ve included a narrative thread of Korra needing to go on her own spiritual journey to unlock her chakras and regain her bending, finally able to reac the Avatar State when the civil war between the water tribes reached a head, and she is finally able to broker peace, having learned a great deal about herself and her connection to the past avatars.

I realize that I’ve kind of derailed pretty far off the original point, so I’ll stop here with a general note that while Zutara, as a relationship, doesn’t affect a whole lot of this directly (for the most part it would just affect the parentage of the Gaang kids who showed up, the designs of some, and their relationships with each other and possibly with Korra)–however, with the addition of Book 4 and keeping Aaron’s writing talents for LoK, the landscape of the entire sequel would be altered. I’d like to think that he would’ve preferred writing a coherent narrative that did justice to the characters even if it meant ending the show with unresolved plot threads (especially since they could wrap things up with comics which, in this alternate timeline, are actually good and in character because I want to have my cake and eat it too), so rather than being disconnected plots that didn’t make much sense when each individual villain could’ve served as the entire series Big Bad, much of books 2 and 3 would’ve involved smaller scale plots and villains, with Amon returning for book 4 and everything getting wrapped up far more neatly than it did in canon.

TL;DR: while Zutara itself wouldn’t necessarily change a whole lot (it would affect Book 4 and the post-atla comics more) outside of the different Gaang kids and their dynamics, the show as a whole would’ve been vastly different if the writing team for LoK had been the same–including Aaron as head writer–as the writing team for AtLA.

Bryke were great Big Picture guys, great vision and visual guys, I’ve never disputed that. But they sucked at not missing the forest for the trees. They sucked at romance. And they really sucked at coherent plot and character development, especially in the small scale.

[outlaw-unicorn]

The dragon!Arthur AU you didn’t know you needed

(and maybe didn’t want either but @eaglepatronus and I had too much fun with this :D)

here be dragons (and charthur)

AcademySenseiIruka

Now I can't stop thinking about a dragon Arthur AU where Charles is the knight sent to slay the dragon. As he searches for the mighty beast, Charles meets and falls in love with a cowboy (Arthur) who it turns out, is the dragon he's hunting. XD

Charles: Is that a tail? Arthur: No. Charles: Sure looks like one. Arthur: No, It's a trick of the light. Charles: ... Arthur: (knocks over a table with his wagging tail) :)

[...]

AcademySenseiIruka 

Ohhhhhh, hers my version.

Arthur's mom was a dragon who tried to live life as a normal human. See, all the dragons in Brittian were hunted to near extinction and she fled to America in search of safety. Eventually she had Arthur, and when Arthur was young an irate drunk tried to kill him and, sensing her child was in danger, she took her true form to defend him. Later, when she was human again, she tried to explain things to her husband. To tell him she really loved him but he wouldn't have it. He shot and killed her.

Arthur then spent years chained to a wall in a deep cellar. That is until two outlaws, Hosea and Dutch found him. They raised him as their own but Arthur was always careful to keep his mothers secret. But one day, when the law was coming down on them, Arthur had no choice but to turn into a dragon and escape. When he landed, Arthur expected to be yelled at. To be disowned or attacked... and though Hosea was frightened, Dutch was excited. He praised Arthur for his abilities and began coming up with ways to use Arthur to rob banks. Eventually the Van Der Linde gang became known for picking up monsters as John Marston, a young Werewolf joined them as well as others cursed with magic.

After years of traveling and robbing banks, Arthur had amassed quite a bounty. And though no one outside the gang knew Arthur's true identity, Dutch had begun to treat Arthur more and more like an animal. Eventually new members of the gang were allowed to use Arthur the same way Dutch had. One day Micah ordered Arthur to attack Strawberry and in the attack Arthur felt something break inside him. He really was a monster. Some bloodthirsty beast that deserved to be hunted and killed. Arthur despised everything about himself... But Charles, a new member of the gang was a psychic. He could hear Arthur's fears and hate and self-loathing. Charles could feel Arthur's heart breaking, his grief for a life of peace he had never known.

Charles then sets out to prove Arthur is wrong about himself. To teach the dragon just how precious and kind he really is. Charles brings to Arthur's attention every good thought he thinks, every kind act he performs. But also he swiftly warns him away of the untrue dark self-deprecating thoughts.

In the process of saving Arthur from himself, Charles begins to fall head over heels for him. It doesn't take long for Charles to discover a steady growing feeling of love, growing in Arthur, is directed towards him.

But as the two fall more and more in love, Dutch and Micah have set their sights on attacking a heavily guarded bank. If they pull it off, they could be set for life, but if they fail, Arthur would be captured... Now it's up to Charles to convince Arthur he is worth more than what Dutch has convinced him he is. That he isn't some monster to be summoned and used, that he is precious and worthy of being protected.

rivendellelve 

Really loving Psychic Charles ♥ :D does that mean, in that universe Trelawny is an actual magician? :D

AcademySenseiIruka 

Gosh, didn't think of that but yes. lol

And Micah is probably able to manipulate thoughts... So in the end, it's down to a battle between Charles and Micah. Micah trying to controle thoughts and Charles being able to break others free because he can feel the true thoughts of a person.

rivendellelve 

Dang, now I'm imagining the big showdown between Charles and Micah.

Maybe Micah has taken over Arthur's mind bc he wants to use him for his plans (and swooping in an a dragon definitely fits his ego) and Charles has to rescue Arthur and then he and Micah are fighting for control :D that would be epic :D

AcademySenseiIruka 

YEAH!!! Charles hasn't noticed Micah even has that abuilitiy untill he tried to sway Arthur into doing the plan by making him bloodthirsty. Arthur can't tell what are his thoughts and what are Micah's but Charles can and tries to stop Micah. During the mental battle, Micah tells Arthur he has taken over Dutch. It enrages Arthur (just as Micah wanted) enough to transform. With Arthur angry, Micah is able to take control but Charles is able to get through to Arthur by reminding him he is kind. that he isn't a monster and that he is loved. Eventually, it breaks Arthur from Micah's intrusive thoughts and Charles is able to protect him.

Together they Kill Micah and when he dies, Dutch is able to break free of Micah's hold as well. Apparently, Dutch been trapped in his own head but still aware of what's going on. Just not able to stop Micah. He apologizes to Arthur for how he has treated him and Arthur forgives him, knowing it wasn't really Dutch all along. The camp goes back to the way it was and they all live happily ever after. It ends with Arthur and Charles cuddling together, both blissfully content... And Arthur realizes he is finally at peace.

(hope it's not too heavy-handed but I think it's a satisfying conclusion)

rivendellelve 

This is the best thing ever! !! Like, I can totally see Micah taunting Arthur and Arthur falling for it even though he knows better and oh the drama Charles desperately trying to get through to Arthur while he's huge (and incredibly dangerous ) dragon ❤❤❤

And the idea that Dutch is conscious but unable to break free! ! (Have been playing around with a demonic possession story in my head for a bit that was kinda like that bit your Micah-version is way better ) Probably really gets him thinking about how he acted before that people didn't notice he was being controlled He probably changes for better after that

Now I imagine the gang actually settling down somewhere peaceful Like everyone gets on Arthurs back and they fly somewhere far away from Pinkertons in the dead of night Maybe they start a farm. Mangoes may or may not be involved 😁

AcademySenseiIruka

GASP... MICAH IS A DEMON!!! It would explain is mind manipulation and also give him other abilities, so no one would suspect him with controlling people. Maybe Micah is pretending to be a warlock or something? Like he can make things explode. But he hides his mind manipulation abilities because the more unaware you are the more effective it is.

Also, Flying off on "taxi" Arthur is the new best ending. They fly off to Tahiti and that's is where Arthur and Charles cuddle etc. If you want to write this it's all yours. I would love to see this as a full story but can't... plus you are the better writer. But no pressure. It's just fun to brainstorm.

rivendellelve

Oh boy, I would love to write it (even more so I really want to read it) but there is no way I have the time and energy for such a long story 😅 But sharing ideas is so much fun

Speaking of not-so-Warlock Micah, I'm thinking one of the other gangmembers is an actual warlock (maybe one of the girls) and they're something's off about Micah but mindcontrolled Dutch is like noooo, the poor man has just been through a lot

Also I remember reading something about a dragon whose treasure are his friends instead of gold and I can't stop thinking bout how the gang means everything to Arthur So when people go on a trip he's always lowkey clingy Like you'll be back soon, right? And lots of stay safe's

When Dutch and Hosea found out he was a dragon they got him some gold and were very confused when he more or less ignored it

Hosea got a bit teary eyed once he realized what was going on

AcademySenseiIruka

Awwww, I love that! Arthur is so precious as a person hoarder! And he probably doesn't even realize it and Hosea never brings it up to him cause he doesn't want Arthur to be embarrassed. (cause at this point its instinct and he can't really stop it)

Gasp, it would also explain why Arthur is sooooo angry with John when he leaves! It's not just that john left the gang it's that one of his treasures left. lol

Hosea would have the ability to see the future but because of Micah, his visions have been confusing lately. He keeps seeing Micah as a murderous dragon but Hosea says nothing cause he doesn't want Arthur to think he thinks Arthur is a monster. (also in the game Hosea says a lot of prophetic stuff, so it would fit)

Grimshaw would straight up be a witch. lol

(also, cause I didn't mention it before, Micah controls Arthur during the Strawberry attack. Arthur just doesn't figure it out until the battle with Micah at the end. Its why he got all bloodthirsty and why he enjoyed killing. Micah's influence taking over is why he felt broken.)

rivendellelve

yes to all of this!! i love Hosea being clairvoyant1! It fits sooooo well with canon. and just imagine - Dutch usually would accept Hosea's advice without question but suddenly Hosea's abilities don't work properly anymore and he can't fulfil his role as an adisor the same way as before. So Hosea thinks that's why Dutch isn't listening to him anymore

and he has no idea Micah is responsible for both.

and of course Micah controlled Arthur during the attack. Micah probably figured a high-stress situation such as this would be a perfect opportunity to test how far he could push Arthur with the level of control he already had over him

Grimshaw being a witch is awesome :D I'm pretty sure whenever someone was getting sick, she'd send Arthur to gather some herbs that she sneakily added to Pearson's stew. and what would've been a fulllblown pneumonia just ended up being a minor cold :)

also, can Uncle be a a satyr / pan? that way he could claim lumbago and goatlegs as reasons why he can't work :D

AcademySenseiIruka

Yes to everything! OMG, It's amazing how well this AU is fitting the canon. lol

I think Marry should be half muse. But she doesn't want to be someone's inspiration, she wants to be an author.

Molly should be some high elf princess runaway. Cuse it fits her personality.

Going back to what you said about one of the girls being a warlock... well I read a story a long time ago about this warlock who's magic was stronger the drunker he got. So Karen? Like usually she's just a normal human but when she gets drunk things start to levitate.

I keep wondering what Dutch would be. He needs to be something impressive because his overconfidence would be why he never suspected Micah when he should have. But nothing is really coming to mind.

Can Duffy be a Centar? lol

Maybe Sean would be a tall leprechaun? or is that too much? lol Nymph maybe?

rivendellelve

:D :D :D drunk Karen OMG I can totally imagine her being completely hammered and the most random things start happening. (and actually she's even more powerful sober but trauma and lack of confidence has her convinced she needs to be drunk to be able to use her powers)

and I love Mary-Beth deciding to be her own muse and not somebody elses :D

I think Sean tells everyone he's a leprechaun bc that's what people assume and what random a-holes on the street yell after him. but actually he's a Selkie :D

and Kieran is definitely a centaur. that's why he's so good with horses :D

Maybe Abigail is a Medium? and can talk to spirits? she's been making a living like that but bc there are so many fakes she has to resort to cheap tricks like levitating candles to make people believe her. (she tried a show with Karen once and it worked like a charm. Until drunk Karen started to sing ring dang doo :D)

but Dutch is difficult indeed. I am almost tempted to give him either no abilities - fitting the theme of him raging against society even though being born upperclass / upper middleclass. only this time he's like society'll never accept us "monsters" even though he's the only one that isn't

or make him a vampire. bc his ego would definitely fit - vampires being quite canny in the art of mindmanipulation themselves. He'd be so sure no one could ever control him that he only realizes once it's too late. he probably has Pearson or maybe Strauss make him some special ointment so he can stay out in the sun

AcademySenseiIruka 

I love both your ideas for Dutch for different reasons. Love him being a normal human (or norm) I don't know why. I think it's cause it somehow fits his personality to be some average person but how he carries himself is what gives him power and authority. It also makes him being in charge more of an illusion. That said, I also love the Vampire idea. Perhaps one that feeds on animals, not people? I just think high honor Dutch wouldn't feed like that. But once Micah gets involved maybe he would. That could be one of the warning signs for Arthur and Hosea.

I think Lenny should be an apprentice of some kind. Cause he's young he doesn't know quite what he want's to be yet so he's kinda a jack of all trades.

Speaking of Jack, with his dad being a werewolf and mom being a medium, would Jack be both or would he have the abuility to talk with animals? Like comunicate with animal spirits etc?

rivendellelve

OOOOh Micah is the one who starts convincing Dutch to feed on O'Driscolls and Skinners and Lemoyne raiders bc they're "basically doing the world a favor" and it goes downhill from there

maybe Lenny was training to become a magician when his dad was killed and he never completed his training but Trelawney decides to teach him a thing or two

and Jack can definitely talk to animals :D it might not be clear enough for real sentences but he gets pretty good impressions and can like, ask a bunny for the nearest clover field and he'll know the direction and have a pretty good idea of how far away it'll be :D

AcademySenseiIruka

XD Yes, Jack would be their best scout. lol Also, Dutch would just have him talk to bunnies and deer to find the safest places to camp.

So this got out of hand :D but it was too much fun not to share. Maybe definitely we’re hoping someone goes and writes dragon!Arthur fic :D

(and if you do it would be awesome if you dropped the AO3 link or tagged us)

link to complete thread https://archiveofourown.org/comments/277788937

[fountainpenguin]

How does Longwood fit into the Reedfilter AU? Do any other pixies that we know of from Origins/Knots play any notable roles?

Alternate universe ramble under the cut.

[EDIT: From where I’m looking at it, Tumblr trashed the Read More by putting it in the ask itself again. View on blog instead of on dash; there’s nothing I can do about that. Until further notice I’ll stop using Read More links because I’m sick of this. Blacklist my Long Post tag as needed.]

.

Technically one of my FOP worldbuilding rules is that you have a parallel self in all [accessible] universes, even if some are more difficult to identify as “you” than others are (Ex: You might be someone’s child instead of a sibling, or you might die as a child in one universe but survive to adulthood in another). A huge portion of Fairies have parallel lives as pixies in the Reedfilter Rules verse (Ambrosine for instance). Soothsayers (Anti-Fairies skilled in reading karmic weaves) can read the options for your future, but can’t usually tell which options go with which universe. It’s still the future path of your soul, just... might be in the wrong save file.

This is where the Negaverse (Plane 16) comes into my worldbuilding, and we’ll see how this plays out in Identity Theft and the tail end of Frayed Knots; in the episode “Playdate of Doom,” Foop was able to breach the gap between two universes and this is a detail I kept in my canon. Parallel universes can be viewed by those who are skilled in that. Travel between universes is possible, but dangerous and difficult enough that even those who are desperate to run away or hide themselves rarely attempt it.

Things get even more complicated because reincarnated forms still can’t co-exist in the same universe at the same time; the soul only gets one body on the playing field no matter which universe they’re in. So when Foop entered the Pivotverse, he began pulling his alternate self’s soul towards him and would have eventually absorbed the whole soul, killing his counterpart. Didn’t happen in the end, but we’ll get to that in Identity Theft.

It’s very similar to Jimmy Neutron’s clone creating new people in “The Trouble With Clones” who nearly killed the originals simply by existing. The JN and Hartman universes are also examples of parallel universes; if Jimmy flew in his hovercraft to Dimmsdale, he’d realize the JN version of Timmy doesn’t recognize him because only FOP Timmy knows him. Post Season 5, all the Nickelodeon universes are smudged together thanks to Shirley’s Pizza being a permanent portal hub between them, as we saw in “The Pizza Place Where Worlds Collide” (Come What May Chapter 4).

None of this is what you asked, but it never hurts to explain when discussing who plays roles in which universes. All the pixies from my Classic universe exist in Reedfilter Rules AU, so you’ll see their names pop up now and again, with roughly similar personalities. Fairies too. I also feel like it’s worth pointing out that Foop’s alternate personality, Hiccup, doesn’t count as a separate entity in the eyes of the universe and he’s immune to some “universal rules” because of it. Might wanna tuck that fact away for later...

.

As for RR!Longwood (AKA Markell), he ran the complaints department until Sanderson took over from him, but was rapidly promoted very high in the company, so he gets a lot of suspicious sideways looks. His mother, Columbine, is known to be very loud and pushy. Fergus does not remotely get along with her and honestly has no interest in Longwood for that reason. Basically the situation is Longwood doing a great job and having great ideas and getting acknowledged and praised by lots of people, but Fergus barely glances at him.

Once Fergus becomes H.P. and Longwood gets promoted, Longwood has an itch to impress him due to not having a father figure in his life, so his reaction to winning the praise of others but only a grunt from H.P. is a constant “...’kay //Thumbs up while secretly crying.” He’s not jealous of Sanderson because he doesn’t see Sanderson getting praised either. Fergus isn’t one to easily praise. Longwood just doesn’t want to do things without his boss’s permission and he takes the unenthusiastic “yes” to mean “That’s not a very good idea, but whatever, I guess.” Longwood’s out here in Pixie World trying to find enthusiasm in a land where enthusiasm is practically outlawed, and he overthinks the monotone too much, haha.

Longwood plays a bit of a role because he holds a high position in the company, but the vice president position is not guaranteed to take over from the Head Pixie, so he doesn’t have as much power as he does in Classic. In the RR universe, the Head Pixie is the CEO of Pixies Inc. and the vice president helps them run Pixies Inc., but they’re not involved in checking in with all the other companies the Head Pixie also manages across the universe, and they’re not involved in interracial politics (Sanderson is the one who tags along for interracial meetings with the Anti-Fairies and fun stuff like that). So technically the Head Pixie has more authority and power in RR than in the Classic universe, but the vice president position has less.

In short, RR Longwood likes to please, but isn’t a total suck-up about it. He feels sad that his father figure doesn’t seem to like him, but none of the whiny desperation that you see in Classic Sanderson. RR Longwood is more obedient than Classic Longwood since there’s no clash of gyne instincts here, and there’s also no Anti-Fairy zodiac culture for Longwood to pursue either. 

There’s a small amount of rivalry between him and Sanderson because Sanderson doesn’t always follow protocol and that irritates Longwood, but they’re more professional in this universe since they don’t have that sibling rivalry like they do in Classic. Sometimes Sanderson steps on Longwood’s stuff and that makes Longwood sigh, but they’re civil. Longwood is a good boy.

As for other pixies, you’ll see some familiar names and some have high positions of power, but they’re generally confined to the background. RR universe focuses on Rani, Fergus, and Sanderson mostly. You’ll glimpse the others but they’re not major characters.

[heilewelt]

“I like anything that’s good for me.” – An Interview with Orville Peck

Orville Peck is a good one. When we sat down in the lobby of his hotel it was easy to forget about the mask he was wearing – instantly I was caught by the glint in his eyes when he talks about his music. I love the idea of creating a new persona and starting fresh without the names of previous bands giving you an expectation of how the music should sound like. The debut album “Pony” is one of a kind – based in Country it opens up to so many more music genres like punk, Rock and even the huge singing style of musical. I’ve been in love with this beautiful dark voice since the first time I heard “Dead of Night” a couple of month ago, before I knew anything about him or the mask. We talked about his voice and that it wasn’t always this beautiful dark. If you want to know more about this and how everything came together, please enjoy our little conversation.  

The first thing I thought when I heard your music for the first time – I didn’t see a picture and I didn’t know anything about you – I had to think about Jandek. He makes a little weird music and for 40 years or so no one knew who he was. When I heard your voice, I thought about him and afterwards I learned about the mask and everything.

Orville Peck: That’s funny. I haven’t thought about that for a while.

Would it be something you’d like to accomplish – no one knowing your face for so many decades?

I don’t think it’s a goal of mine. This look is just part of who I am as Orville Peck. That’s not really a conscious decision to conceal anything. It’s just part of my face.

What was first: Having your very personal songs and then hiding or hiding and then say now I can write about myself?

I think it was a bit of both at the same time. Some of the lyrics I’ve been writing for quite a long time now. For example I’ve written the lyrics for “Turn To Hate” about 4 or 5 years ago, before I really knew what I was going to do with it. Growing up with the music I really liked, I was always into the lyrics. I remember when I got the CDs I always loved reading the lyrics in the CD pamphlet and things like that. For me lyrics are very, very important. I’m a big Patti Smith fan and I think her lyrics are so important, maybe even more important than the music. The music just adds to it. I’ve always looked at music like that. I’ve always liked the stories behind songs and I’ve always loved reading tour bios and things like that because I love hearing about what a song is about and who they were written about. That kind of stuff always intrigue me. I just like making music that has a story. I think it was something that was already in me and the mask just gave me the confidence to actually do that finally.

I’ve recently done an interview with William The Conqueror from England. Actually there is no William in the Band. The singer and songwriter Ruarri Joseph said that going away from his own name gave him the freedom to write about his own past and get really personal. It’s quite funny to meet you now.

Maybe something similar I guess. I used to think I’m a really open person with friends and everyone and a very easy person to talk with. Until this project and writing very personal stuff, I realized that the older I gotten that I’m a bit of closed person and it’s actually hard for me to talk about my feelings in a real way which is funny because I never actually thought I was like that. People would always say that to me. So, it’s been an interesting, cathartic thing for me to do this album. When I get to sing these songs on stage, it’s sometimes hard for me. It’s been very good for me as a person because it made a lot more open.

It’s a bit like therapy.

Totally. It’s really special to see other people in the audience getting emotional because relate to it or they know the lyrics for a particular song. That’s very cathartic as well because it definitely feels to me like I’m not alone in it.

I think what always happens to all of us at least once is that we think we are alone with a problem and because of that we don’t want to talk about it because we maybe don’t want to annoy someone with our stupid problem or the stuff we’re scared of.

Exactly. There is a song on the album that is very personal to me. It’s “Nothing Fades Like The Nights” which is actually about a heartbreak but a heartbreak in a different way. It’s not about somebody else, it’s very much about my own heartbreak and disappointment in myself. At the time I didn’t really understand it but now that I’m older I kind of understand it better. I went through a long period where I felt very numb emotionally and I couldn’t cry when I was sad and I didn’t know why. I’ve been in situations where people were feeling all these emotions and I didn’t feel anything. I thought something was really wrong with me. Ironically that was saddest times of my life, when I didn’t know how to feel sad.

I think it’s not always that easy to let sadness take over. It sometimes takes some courage to be just sad, especially when you have people around you who don’t expect you to be sad.

I’ve travelled my whole life. I’ve been living in so many different places, so I’ve formed a lot of quick friendships that are usually quite intense. Some of them were on a superficial level where I felt like we could just exist, travelling, crossing path and I never had to be a 100% real with anyone a lot of the time. It was an easy way for me to remain a little bit closed because I had all these friends all over the place.  I could travel and see them all and put the focus on them, their issues and tend to not address my own feelings for a long time. This album is very exposing in some ways because it’s dealing with topics I’ve been struggling with my whole adult life. It’s the first time I’ve put it into any kind of performance or art. The experience is a personal thing.

Was there an initial spark to do this?

Yeah, I played in bands for many years. Then I took about five years off making music after my last band stopped playing and touring. I went to focus on other things. I acted my whole life, was a dancer and many different things. I went and focused on other kinds of performance. I thought I was done making music and touring. I really felt jaded about it all. After a lot of time passed I felt like something was missing from my life. I made music since I was a very little child and realized I missed it so much that couldn’t really be without it. I wanted to do something new and totally different from what I’ve done before. I loved Country music my whole life and loved singing my whole life. I’ve never really been a front man that often. I’ve usually played other instruments in my previous bands. I knew I wanted to do it my way finally. A lot of different factors encouraged me to do this. Up until a few months ago when we started releasing singles, I wasn’t sure how people were going to react to it. I feel very proud of the music. I feel like it’s music I would listen to but I didn’t feel confident that people were gonna respond in the way it has been. It’s been really, really lovely for me as well.

It’s sort of old-school but fresh at the same time and it has sometimes this schmaltz which I love.

I grew up with a very diverse taste in music, art and film. I really genuinely love every type of music. I understand when people are genre purists but to me I just don’t know why I would want to deny myself. Why would you want to do that? I think some music sucks but it’s not by genre. I like anything that’s good for me. I knew I wanted to root this album in Country music. That’s the main influence, especially Outlaw Country from the 60ies and 70ies. I definitely wanted to add a little bit of flavor of different influences of mine – those range from Punk to New Wave to Classical Music to Musicals. There are a lot of things on this album that I purposely referenced and slit in in different places. When I listen to complex artists I really like knowing that there is something in there they’re referencing, something totally different. I love finding those things as a music fan. I love nerding out over that. So I wanted to put that in there for people to find it.

I think if you wouldn’t do that as an artist you would just copy pasting what has been there beforehand.

For me it’s not even necessarily about trying to stay authentic in myself and that…of course it’s that as well. For me, I think, it’s about artists sometimes not giving the listener enough credit and they think they have to spoon feed something or have to do something very one dimensional for someone to buy it, especially nowadays. I think people appreciate complexity a lot more than we give them credit for.

It’s maybe not what you find in the charts but it’s here for the long term.

It’s maybe paves you a way as an artist.

I’ve read that you’ve lived in a lot of places like Africa, US, UK… how did you treat the local scene and the folk scene from those places as it’s different from Country or Americana, especially in Africa.

Although people might not pick it up right away but there’s a lot of African influence in the songs that I make. The kind of African music I really love growing up is penny whistle jive and Miriam Makeba or Brenda Fassie. The thing that I really love from that time period is that it is has a really upbeat sound to it and the rhythms are very specific and the core progressions are very specific but the lyrics are sometimes so somber and so sad but you wouldn’t notice it right away. I think someone like Miriam Makeba was really amazing at that. Essentially she was the South African Nina Simone. All of her songs were very much about Civil Rights and race and oppression but from the sound you couldn’t tell it right away. I actually have a song that didn’t make it on Pony eventually which is specifically about the longest period I’ve been living in Africa. That probably be on the next album.

You recorded your album in British Columbia and then my head started spinning with the mask and everything and all of a sudden you became the lone ranger to me. [we laugh] In the wild west…well, not that wild. I looked it up and the studio is pretty remote on an island.

Definitely. It’s a very rural part of British Columbia, it’s a small island called Gabriola. It has a very small population of people. If you don’t have a car… you can’t walk around at night because it’s just pitch black. There are really incredible beaches there and phosphorescence in the water. It’s a really picturesque place to make an album like this. I spend a good amount of time living in the pacific northwest mountain region and wrote quite a few songs there like “Big Sky”. I think a lot of people associate cowboys with the desert and that very dry atmosphere and a lot of my songs have that setting. The sound I wanted to capture for “Big Sky” is a rainy, dark feel, maybe a campfire in the mountain with a rainy, kind of cold feeling - that pacific north west your socks are always wet kind of feeling.

When I looked at a map, Vancouver is just across the sea  - as if you could see it from there and I thought it’s a perfect setting for your music.

I think a lot of the things I sing about on this album were experiences that happened on the west coast of North America – from Vancouver all the way down to Los Angeles and Nevada. A big portions of the event in these songs take place along this coast.

You’ve got a big variety in landscapes just like in your music. My favorite song is “Buffalo Run”. It sounds very angry and aggressive but the words you chose always make me smile, too.

I’m a big fan of bluegrass which is a certain type of country. Bluegrass is famous for being really fast with the banjos and the mandolins with quite steady slow vocals on top of it. It gives the song a dichotomy. The thing I always love in is the key it is played in a lot of the time and the speed the banjo and mandolin are played at. It sound quite frightening to me, even though they are singing about some folky thing. The music sometimes sounds frantic and kind of scary to me. With Buffalo Run I wanted to make a song that brought that and also a little bit of my past of playing in punk bands. I wanted to combine these things and make a scary Orville Peck song. I also wanted it to feel like buffalos charging since it speeds up and has this stampede feel to it. That song is definitely going back to my old days of playing in Punk bands where when we played out every night I was getting to release a little bit of tension. [laughs]

It’s perfect for that. How long did it take you to find your voice? I love the tone of your voice.

I’ve been singing since I was very little. I always loved to sing as a child. I never was able to sing low at all, I used to sing in a high register. I did classical training as a tenor for most of my young adult life. When I moved to London about six years ago, I was doing this very intensive performance training and learned that I have this whole other two octaves to my voice that I never really knew about. For me, who sang very high my whole life, it was very exciting to find out something so drastically new about myself.

It doesn’t happen every day.

As a singer I was really excited to suddenly have a three octave range. I’ve always been such a fan of Johnny Cash, Merle Haggard, Willie Nelson and all these Country crooners who sing so low. I always wanted to make music like that and suddenly I was able to. I trained as a kid but this just happened by chance.

It’s so funny especially since you’ve been making music you whole life.

It’s bizarre. It’s like someone told me something like ‘you’re a tenor, you sing high’ and I was just like ‘yeah, ok’ and never even explored that other part of my voice for 20, 25 years or whatever.

To discover something that new that late, has it influenced the way you approach music nowadays?  

Definitely. In some respects it has opened a literal range but also an emotional range within me. Maybe it was what I had to do to unlock my feelings. For instance “Winds Change” is a song on the album I go from really, really low in my register to going really high in my register. For me to be able to perform that… it is something really indescribable to perform that song because it just moves through my entire range of emotion. It makes it a lot more fun and it makes it a lot more liberating in the creative sense. I don’t feel like I’m trapped in one part. I feel really grateful that I can do it now.

As far as I read you played most of the instruments yourself.

Yes, for the first three songs that I wrote and recorded for this album, which were “Dead of Night”, “Big Sky” and “Roses Are Falling”���and “Take It Back” actually. On those songs I played probably 95% of the stuff on them. And then the engineer who recorded my album – his name Jordan Koop and he lives on Gabriola Island – plays a couple of instruments in those songs. And then some of the others were a mix of different musicians I worked with on the east coast and on the west coast. There is a really fantastic banjo player named Tina Jones. I play banjo on one of the songs and she plays banjo on a couple of the other songs because I wanted a very particular sound and it’s not my first instrument. I got her to play on the album. It was really nice. It felt very much like I got to choose the right people to fill the roles were I knew I wanted them instead of me.

How do you know you’re not able to do it yourself? Try it first and then figure out that maybe you should take some who can actually play that part?

I think for instance for an instrument like banjo there’s bluegrass, there’s folk banjo, there are just so many different sounds. The way I approach playing banjo is just from the banjo stuff I mostly listen to - bluegrass, faster banjo. For “Big Sky” there is a really beautiful line that Tina wrote that clicks just underneath everything. She is more of a Folk banjo player. I knew I wanted to have someone who has a better ear for that. Even though I can see and hear it in my head I need someone to execute that. Same as my guitarist Duncan Jennings who plays in my live band. He helped me to write a few of the songs and arranged some of the songs because he definitely more of a technical skilled musician. All the instruments I taught myself. I never went to music classes or anything like that. I sometimes feel like I can hear something in my head or visualize it but I don’t know how to execute it because I don’t have the technical skill. It’s good to have someone like Duncan in the studio because then I can be like ‘I want it to sound like it’s 1980’s and it’s slow motion and it’s on the beach in Malibu but it’s raining and that it’s that kind of guitar sound’ - I don’t know how to describe it and he’ll be like ‘like this’ and it’s perfect.

That’s magic!

That’s literally how I described the sound of “Hope To Die”. I approach music from a visual point of view because I’m a visual learner and I don’t have the technic. Luckily I know people who can not only help interpret that crazy explanation but also can execute it. Sometimes it’s a lot of experimentation but we get there in the end. It was a really cool experience working on this album because I had such a clear vision what every song should sound like and what it should look like, what emotion I wanted the people who listen to it will feel. We worked really hard that it will come across. I’m very happy with the outcome.

How did you make sure that people feel what you want them to feel whilst you were writing and recording the songs?

I’m saying this in a way that I hope it does do it. As I said to you earlier – I just used to spend a lot of time taking the focus off my own feelings, listening to all of my friends problems and put the focus on them because I didn’t want to be open.  So, I think I’ve learned to be a really good listener and I understand other people very well. I think it’s actually the biggest skill that I have is to understand how to navigate all different types of people. It also comes from the fact that I’ve travelled so much and lived in so many different cultures, societies and class systems. I just understand that among all of us there is a common threat all the time and I know to access that with other people because I think it’s just about telling a story that everyone can relate to even if it has specific differences. It’s about knowing that we all have the same story. I think it has been really special for me with Orville Peck, or with “Pony” rather, that I sing about men a lot on this album, about men relationships.

I think it’s very good. I listen to a lot of music made by men who sing about women, so I usually have to switch the gender in my head.

I think the thing that is really interesting, that is so wonderful to me, is that a lot of people who are coming to my shows or messaging me are older middle age straight men with kids and a wife who say ‘man, that song is so beautiful. My wife and I are listening to it all of the time’. It’s so funny for me because it’s a song about two men and the fact that it doesn’t bother this person and that they connect to it regardless is so comforting for me as well. It’s funny because I feel like a lot of the songs on this album are about me feeling like such an outcast and such a loner in life and the fact that all these people love it so much and relate to it, suddenly I feel like I’ve so many people around me supporting me – it’s almost this ironic full circle where these songs are about my loneliness but now there are all these people around me. It’s a fascinating thing that has been happening to me with this whole album.

Thank you for the interview, Orville!

“Pony” has been released a couple of month ago and it’s been my favorite album of the year so far! He will be back beginning of November and be fast - the first concert is already sold out.

8.11. Nochtwache, Hamburg 09.11. Badehaus, Berlin - sold out 10.11. Folks! Club, München

Thank you for reading,

Dörte

[twdmusicboxmystery]

5x03: Humbug’s Gulch

Hi everyone! I’m just gonna dive right in today. ***As always, spoilers abound in this post for FTWD 5x03. Don’t read until you’ve watched! You’ve been warned!***

This episode of FTWD (5x03: Humbug’s Gulch) was awesome! I loved watching it because there were so many important symbols and set ups. I'm loving where this is going.

So, we start with our group traveling around, trying to take down all of the Red Rover walkers and marking where they are on a map. As they mark them, they realize that it's a perimeter of walkers tied up around an area of land in the center. They have no idea what's inside the perimeter of walkers. So, kind of an intriguing mystery.

One of the first symbols that caught my attention was that when they mark the locations of the walkers on the map, use Xs inside of circles. (X Theory.) It would only be that, if it had only been Xs. But they drew an X within a circle. Remember, we saw this exact symbol around Morgan on a tree in Coda. What that tells me is that 

1) whatever's going on in the season, we can connect it to Coda. That's number one. And

2) whatever they’re planning for Morgan in the season has been planned since Coda and S5. That's awesome.

Also, remember the X within the circle is sort of a skewed version of the coda symbol. A coda is more of a T, straight up and down over circle, but the X is like a version of it that’s been turned on its side.

This episode is called Humbug Gulch. 

It’s the name of the Western town they go to, which I’ll talk about more in a minute. But I looked up the meaning of gulch. It can be a V-shaped valley formed by erosion. It may be a small stream or dry creek bed and is usually larger in size than a gully. It just reminded me of the dry riverbed in 5x10, Them. If you keep looking at the definition, it means different things in different places, but is often associated with water. The actual definition of humbug is deception or something that's not true. Which is why Ebenezer Scrooge always said, “Bah, humbug.” It's his way of saying something is ridiculous or that's untrue. And of course, the most famous pop culture reference of the word humbug IS Ebenezer Scrooge saying it. Which makes it a Christmas reference as well. So, we have a reference to Christmas, and something that has to do with water and something we saw in Them.

In terms of the show, the phrase would literally mean ‘deceptive gulch.’ Something about this town they went to is deceptive. The meaning of the title, other than the fact that they went to a place called Humbug Gulch, wasn't obvious. But I’ll come back to this.

They mentioned a gas station when the group talked to each other over the walkie-talkies. John also mentioned their luck turning (Luck Theory). We saw a windmill at the Gulch, much like the one on Herschel's farm in S2. In most been a common symbol since then, and we usually see it in conjunction with Beth symbolism.

The intro was kind of interesting. It basically just showed a wind storm and a rolling tumbleweed. I wasn't sure what that meant. But as we get into the episode, John and June do have to wait at a windstorm. So, the reason for that became obvious as the episode progressed. Then we heard just a snippet of a voice on the radio. There was a lot of radio talk in this episode, and what happened at the end had a lot to do with speaking over the radio. When I heard that in the intro, it reminded me a lot of the phantom voice we heard at the end of TWD 9x16. I don't know for supposed to be connecting those, but I couldn't help but hear similarity there.

So, we had a heavy similarity here to 6X16. While attempting to take down one of the rows of Red Rover walkers, someone starts firing on John and June. They jump into their car and run for it. They ended up going to a little Western town called Humbug Gulch. This is one of those Western tourist attractions. Apparently, John used to work at one—not this specific one, but another one in a different city—so he knew what it was. Even though it was a tourist place, he knew they’d find real guns there.

I totally didn't register this on my first watch, but when the re-watch came on, I heard it, and my mouth dropped open. Right before he being shot at, John remarks that there must be some “serious people” behind these this perimeter walkers. June then says, "We’re serious people too." When they jump in the car, John says his line again about these being serious people. Obviously a Sirius/Dog Star reference, and it’s repeated three different times.

I’ll jump forward to mention that we saw Dwight in this episode. At this point we can't prove the Sirius reference isn’t about Dwight and Sherry, but I don't think the two of them necessarily qualify. They didn’t go out of their way to make the audience think either one was dead. In fact, they kind of went out of their way to set up this story of Dwight searching for Sherry, which suggests the opposite. I'm really hoping this means is that something about this arc will lead to the original character associated with Sirius symbolism. (Beth).

They get to the town, and we see some more interesting resurrection symbols. There’s a carousel with bright yellow horses with blue saddles that the camera focuses on for a minute. There’s also a light colored horse statue. (Looks like a palomino.) So, horse theory. And the light colored horse represents Beth and resurrection (“You’re still alive.”)

John leads them upstairs to a gun locker. June picks the lock. Inside, they find guns and ammunition. @wdway noticed little tins, two green and three yellow (both Beth colors) inside of it. Even more exciting, we see ammunition for .45 colt. Remember that issue 45 of the CBs is the one where Andrea is resurrected from the dead.

We also saw an “Exit” sign over the door, which reminded us of the one in Beth’s cell in 4x01. And the bag June carries out of the building has a B on it. Just saying. ;D

They had all kinds of fun with their Western themes in this episode. It was a really obvious old West/Outlaw/Sheriff kind of situation. So that alone is significant. John and June get the guns, but a windstorm picks up. June wants to wait it out, but John doesn't. He wants to make a run for their van and try to get back to the group. We thought John's bandanna looked an awful lot like Daryl's black bandanna from season four. An interesting callback, given all the other symbols.

When they make a run for the car, the phantom shooter starts firing at them again. John eventually comes face-to-face with him and June hits him over the head. Guess who? Dwight.

We've known we’d see Dwight this season, but I was still excited to see him. His first question to John is, "Where is she?" Naturally, John has no idea who he's asking about, but we, the viewers do. We know he's looking for Sherry.

Random detail, but I have to say I think it's adorable that John calls June, “June Bug.”

As I said, we saw something of a replay of 6x06, Always Accountable (major Beth symbolism episode). We had John and June doing their own thing, and then phantom people started shooting at them. That's exactly what happened to Daryl, Sasha, and Abraham at the beginning of 6x06. They were returning from Operation Lead the Walkers Away, and were fired on by unseen people. In that case, it was the saviors who fired at them, looking for Dwight. Then, in the same episode just a little while later, Daryl met Dwight. Here, it was Dwight (previously a Savior) who fired on John and June. Only a few minutes later, in the same episode, they met Dwight. Don’t tell me episode parallels aren’t a thing, y’all. ;D

In the next scene, we see a deer crossing sign. Yet another indication of possibly someone coming back from the dead. Again, this COULD be a Sherry and Dwight thing, but I’m not convinced of that. Unlike with Glenn, Rick, and Beth, they haven't gone out of their way to make us think either Sherry or Dwight died. They merely disappeared from TWD.  Also, keep in mind that this wasn't an actual deer that we saw get shot. It was a deer crossing sign. It may not represent an actual resurrection, not like the deer we saw around Rick in 5x12. But it's a symbol of the resurrection arc. I'm interpreting it as something about Dwight in this arc leading to a resurrection.

Another call back to 6x06 comes when Dwight wakes up. He basically has the same conversation with John and June that he had with Daryl in 6x06, protesting that he held the gun to their heads and he didn't understand why they would help them after that. 

He said that same thing to Daryl in 6x06, about how he tied Daryl up and put a gun to his head and kept prisoner overnight, yet Daryl still came back to help them. Lots of callbacks to a Bethyl-heavy episode.

We also see lots of infinity symbols here because of Sherry’s notes. And granted, we saw them between Dwight and Sherry before, so it’s nothing new. But still interesting, all things considered.

I also think it's interesting the way they set this up. Because John looked for June (they are also Bethyl proxies) John completely understands the lengths Dwight will go to to find Sherry. He's probably the one person in the world who would have given Dwight a break over this and even helped him find Sherry. I’m just saying the crossing of Dwight’s and John/June’s stories required a lot of planning and has probably been in the works for some time. I’m positive when the writers wrote John and June’s story for last season, they already knew the two of them would cross paths with Dwight/Sherry.

We noticed John and June played piano music to distract the walkers so they could escape. Not only a musical reference, but we can tie it to 4x01, in which they used music to lure the walkers way from the Big Spot. And of course Beth specifically played the piano in 4x13, Alone.

Rather than escaping to his car with June and John, Dwight ran to their van, which by then he'd shot the tires out of. They talk to him on the walkie and he finally admits that Sherry has left messages for him as she travels. The last one he found was written on the registration for a van that looks exactly like the one John and June were driving. That's why he opened fire on them in the first place. He thought that was the car Sherry one drove, which was why she left a note for him on the registration.

Okay, this gets super-interesting at this point. Look at this scene with Dwight in the van. Remind you of anything? 

It looks exactly like the scene where Aaron and Daryl got caught in the wolf van in 5x16. 

Walkers all around trying to get in, him trapped with no way out, and then Dwight has a moment where he more or less gives up.

He basically tells John to go on without him, giving up both on the idea of getting out alive, and on his search for Sherry. This is a combination of a couple of things. We could compare it to Daryl in 5x16. They had no way out and Daryl insisted on sacrificing himself so Aaron could get away. He was willing to die right then to save Aaron. Maybe even wanted to die because he was still so down about Beth. Of course, Aaron insisted that they would work together to get out, and then Morgan—*clears throat* MORGAN!!!*—saves them.

Something similar happened here. Dwight is alone in the car. He gives up, even looking at his gun as though he might shoot himself, but John and June talk him out of it. June tells him that giving up his search for Sherry would be just as ethically wrong as hurting someone. I think it's interesting that it's June—the once missing woman—who convinces the depressed man not to give up. Very Beth-ish. Then they help Dwight escape the van by shooting the walkers and creating a clear path for him. Much like Morgan did for Daryl and Aaron in 5x16.

Some of the dialogue was also important there. June says Dwight doesn’t feel like he deserves to find her and find happiness again. Dwight says it doesn’t matter if Sherry is alive or dead, because he’ll never find her. Never be able to make things right. He says that’s “who I am now.” Making things right is a callback to what Daryl told him to do in 8x16. I also think this dialogue could apply to Daryl at various times after he lost Beth. Interestingly, “Who You Are Now” is the title of the first episode after Rick disappeared (9x06) so we have a connection between this arc and what’s happening on the main show.

The other thing that this really struck me is that Dwight gets a version of Beth’s suicide arc. It obviously wasn't as long or protracted as hers, but the difference between Dwight in this episode and Daryl in 5x16 is that Daryl tried to sacrifice himself for something noble (saving Aaron). He didn’t simply decide to give up and shoot himself. So, this felt a lot like Beth’s suicide arc in TWD S2. Back then, she really did just want to give up and die. Much like Beth, Dwight came through his depression with a new resolve to live and find Sherry. Again, very Beth-ish.

Another detail I didn’t catch until the second time through? Remember that colt .45 I mentioned earlier, which points to Andrea surviving her gunshot wound in the comics? It was that gun Dwight contemplated killing himself with. John gave it to him to shoot walkers. Coincidence? Yeah, really not. 

After rescuing him from the van, John tells Dwight he had the wrong car. He compared the VIN number on the registration to van’s VIN number, and they don’t match. Obviously, the make, model, and color of the van are exactly like the one Dwight was looking for, but he just so happened to find the wrong one.

I think all this car stuff is super interesting. Given that we think Beth was left in a car, and that we often see clues in car license place plates and car trunks, it’s just interesting that there's a car arc going on in this season of FTWD. Registrations have lots of numbers and letters in them. And the fact that he found the wrong car? I think that's significant. I wonder if something about this will end up playing out as part of Beth’s arc as well. They left her in the “wrong car” somehow. I have no idea, really, but it’s fun to contemplate the possibilities.

At the end of this episode, Dwight and Morgan meet and recognize one another. Morgan is instantly accepting of Dwight and he officially joins their group. One super-subtle thing I caught here was that Dwight went to Georgia before going to Texas. He just mentions it very briefly in passing, saying “Once she hit Georgia, everything seemed to drive her this way.” 

No way that’s a coincidence. They could spin it many ways. Maybe Dwight already ran into Beth in his travels. Maybe he was wrong about Sherry going to Texas and will eventually return to Georgia. Maybe she’ll head back to Georgia for some reason and he’ll meet up with her then. Either way, this arc is subtly pointing back toward Georgia. And Grady, which we can only assume is still standing.

He tells them that he's never been inside the perimeter of walkers either, but he's walked all around it. He takes them to one particular place where they plan to break through and see what's on the inside. Just before they do, they hear something on the radio.

I haven’t mentioned Alicia’s minor arc this episode because it has less to do with Beth symbolism. She hears the kids they met in the first episode on the radio and keeps calling out to them, promising to help them in asking where they are. At one point, she hears Annie and Dylan talking on the radio, with Annie telling Dylan to hide because she can see “them.” 

We don't know who “them” is. It's definitely interesting because it's the name of episode 5X10, so we could see it as another tie to Beth. It sounds like there are bad people that the kids are running from. In the end, the kids radio and ask Alicia to meet them at the truck stop where Morgan's group originally took them.

So, Morgan’s group doesn’t break through the Red Rover walkers right then, which means we can after little longer to see what's inside the perimeter. 

On the way back to the truck stop, they see the van the kids were driving. Inside, Dylan is laying on the seat. He looks hurt, or perhaps just sad. He’s covered in either mud or blood (probably both) so it’s hard to say how injured he is. But he’s alone. Annie and Max aren’t with him.

The most interesting symbolic thing about this is that we once again have Morgan finding someone inside a car who's hurt. It’s pretty much the biggest symbol of Morgan finding Beth in a car that we have, and we've seen it many times now. Alicia asks Dylan where his brother and sister are, but he doesn't really say anything before the episode ends.

Then it cuts to Max and Annie putting up Red Rover walkers. So, as it turns out, these kids are the ones tying them across the roads. I'm of two minds about what this might mean.

The show implies there's nothing inside the perimeter of walkers. The kids just put them up to keep strangers away from the area. But I don't know if I believe that's true. Maybe these kids are just super- smart, but I don’t see them going to this kind of trouble to protect…nothing. 

I also don’t think they could have put the walker heads up on the billboard by themselves last episode, and there’s still the question of who took Al. I don’t think it was them. In fact, Max says he wants to find out who took Alicia’s friend, so it wasn’t them. So overall, I'm not sure what to make of this yet. But it makes the mystery of this place intriguing and I'm excited to see where it goes.

So once again, we don't know if "them," is really a group of baddies, or just something created by these kids. I'm not even sure which one I hope it is. Having something crazy inside the perimeter of walkers would definitely be a cooler plot twist. But if there's really nothing there, the reference to Them becomes purely symbolic, which is good for us, too. Also, I’m wondering if the “humbug” in the title perhaps refers to the way in which these kids are deceiving Morgan’s group. Not sure how that will pan out yet, but it’s interesting.  

Some final symbols: we saw Max drawing on a map and I noticed it said, “Broken Bridge.” So, not only Bridge Theory, but I feel like that’s a connection to Rick’s bridge in TWD S9.

So yeah, I really loved this episode. Lots of fun set-ups and I'm super excited to see where this arc, both with Dwight and with this perimeter of walkers, goes. Because they used Xs within circles to represent the perimeter of walkers, I really hope whatever is within the perimeter will lead to Beth. Thoughts?

[prairiedust]

The Folktales of Supernatural

Here is the third and probably last post in my trilogy of the folkloristics, folklore, and folktales of Supernatural. You do not have to read the first and second posts necessarily, but it is a series, so…

Anyways, in Unhuman Nature, Ross-Leming and Buckner gave us a thumbnail of season three’s main arc-- Dean’s imminent hell deal-- in Jack’s perfectest day evaar. However, Dean got to do for Jack what no one was able to do for him when he was living under the shadow of his own death. Instead of taking a joy ride, going fishing (or to the beach, come ON show,) or fine okay spending some time with a girl with daddy issues (come ON buckleming,) Dean took care of business and showed Sam how to take care of the car. When Sam was also undergoing the Trials, they were again racing against the clock. Cas, too, was under the shadow of the Leviathan infestation, and there was very little carpe in the few diems he had left until the creatures destroyed him. There was always the understanding in Unhuman Nature that TFW would be doing everything possible to save Jack, but while Sam and Cas were best tasked with trying to find a cure, Dean knew that what would be the right thing for Jack was not being in the bunker dwelling on his imminent demise, and living is a particularly Dean thing.

It was a wonderful way of retelling this particular series legend, and using that series “motif” in a new way (anyone want to tackle a Supernatural Motif Index LOLOLOL) to do the “what happens when a story is retold” theme.

So, to tie up this trilogy of close readings, I want to talk a little about how the European version of Sleeping Beauty is a good way to understand what else is going on thematically with the trifecta of recursion-retelling-mirroring that’s been going on.

There are very few citations here as the evolution of Sleeping Beauty is more or less accepted as general knowledge now-- the concept is explored in Folk and Fairy Tales 2nd edition, edited by Martin Hallett and Barbara Karasek. It’s also on Wikipedia, if you’re into that.

CW for discussion of the non-est con to ever non-con and other unsettling themes that are nonetheless perfectly ordinary in folklore.

Sleeping Beauty was once considered to be perhaps one of the most wholesome of the Grimms’ fairy tales, but (in pop culture at least) the shine is starting to wear off. I was playing the Ellen edition of Outburst with some people I didn’t even know about a month ago and one of the “clues” was “Sleeping Beauty” and as soon as the guesser put that card up on her forehead, a guy shouts out, “That story is about sexual assault, fight me!”

Which makes this particular “folk tale” a neat way to show how folklore, or storytelling and retelling, is such a good frame for season 14.

I mentioned in the first post of this series that Sleeping Beauty is a great example of the intercycling of folklore and literature-- oral tales can become literary works, and vice versa, and they can comment on one another in surprising ways.

Let’s start with one of the most recent iterations of the Sleeping Beauty story and a move from one kind of text to another-- Disney’s 1959 animated movie, “Sleeping Beauty.” I know a lot of readers on here will know it-- and we’ll work our way down to the centuries-old bones of this tale.

Right off the bat, we get a really great (and subverted!) example of that “rule of three” 2/1 pattern I already talked about. The king and queen invite three “good fairies” to their daughter’s christening. They are even called “good fairies” by the herald as they enter on a sunbeam, so you already know there’s gonna be a bad one. The first fairy, Flora, gives Princess Aurora the gift of beauty. The next, Fauna, blesses the baby with the gift of song. Before fairy #3-- Merryweather-- can bestow her gift, Maleficent arrives, totally pissed that she hadn’t been invited but cool as a frozen cucumber, casually lies about her reason for showing up and then curses Aurora to prick her finger on the spindle of a spinning wheel and die on the evening of her 16th birthday. Merryweather uses her turn to alter Maleficent’s curse, as she does not have the power to nullify it: Aurora will fall into a deep sleep that only “true love’s kiss” can awaken her from. In hopes of protecting her from the curse in any way shape or form, King Stephan orders every spinning wheel in the kingdom to be burned, but the fairies say that this will not be enough so they sequester her in the woods under the alias Briar Rose, and they all live as peasants, eschewing magic and raising her in almost total isolation so that Maleficent can not find her to work the curse. Neat. Briar Rose gets into mischief anyway, gads about the forest singing like a klaxon, meets a prince named Phillip who is having Adventures in the Woods, falls In Love™ with him despite some now-creepy hand-grabbing. Later the fairies tell her not to worry about mysterious forest dudes and traumatize her by telling her that her entire life has been a lie, and then inexplicably send her home to the palace for her 16th birthday celebration despite the fact that the whole reason for hiding out was to keep Maleficent from being able to find her. Maleficent discovers that Aurora is at the palace, games the anti-spindle situation by luring Aurora up to a tower to a magical spinning wheel; Aurora pricks her finger on the spindle, and Bob’s your uncle. The good fairies put everyone in the castle into a deep sleep (so that while they are waiting for some weirdo to fall in True Love with a sleeping teenager, eugh, the people she knows (aka JUST MET) will sleep with her so that they won’t be upset by the complete failure of their plans) the fairies realize that Prince Phillip, the guy that Aurora has been betrothed to since she popped out of the womb, is one and the same as Mysterious Forest Dude that she fell in love with, and they send him to Aurora’s castle. Maleficent imprisons him, the fairies help him escape, he tears through a thorn bush that Maleficent creates as an impediment, kills the witch, and wakes Aurora with a chaste kiss. It’s fine, they met once, it was only a kiss (IT WAS ONLY A KISS), and this was 1959. So, that’s the Disney text in a nutshell. Folklorist Kay Stone says in her book Some Day Your Witch Will Come that while Disney had been called “a ‘Master of Fantasy’ in fact Disney removed most of the powerful fantasy of the Marchen and replaced it with false magic.” While her criticism of the Disnified Grimms tales is explicitly feminist, the criticism stands as Disney’s product is far divorced from the folk “originals.”

Most people are familiar with the Grimms’ written version of “Sleeping Beauty,” or “Little Briar Rose,” as they titled it when they published it in their first collection. This is the version that Disney partly modeled their story after. I won’t retell it, I’ll just discuss differences between the two versions, so please go read D. L. Ashliman’s translation here. It’s short. And. It turns out that the German “folk tale” that the Grimms brothers harvested is more than likely based on a story that was published by Charles Perrault in France which re-entered the Germanic oral tradition at some point. In this version, there are thirteen “wise women” (as opposed to fairies) in Briar Rose’s estimable father’s kingdom, but he only has twelve golden plates for them at the celebration of her birth, so he only actually invites twelve wise women (which is a hilarious commentary on what the lower classes thought of the nobility, am I right? Heaven forbid you don’t have enough fancy plates, quelle horreur or rather wie schrecklich or whatever the German equivalent would be.) Again, after eleven blessings, the evil crone who was disrespected barges in and curses the princess to prick her finger on a spindle (not the spindle of a spinning wheel, though) and die at fifteen; The next-eldest of the wise women modifies the curse and dad has all the spindles destroyed. Fifteen was apparently too young for a sexual awakening in 1959 but it was fine in 1812. Also, there were no shenanigans in the woods-- Briar Rose grows up a princess. She finds an old woman illicitly spinning in the castle one day and wants to try it, pricks herself with the spindle (the German version never specifies where) and her sleep is so profound that the entire castle falls asleep with her. A massive thorn hedge grows up because neglect, and eventually conceals the castle, and all that is left of the kingdom is a legend. Many other princes met agonizing deaths in that thorn hedge trying to get to Briar Rose but one day Her ACTUAL Prince shows up. The thorns turn to blossoms, he sails right through, kisses the girl, and as she wakes up so does the whole castle. The tale is over with an “and they lived happily ever after” ending.

Charles Perrault, the Frenchman who wrote the version of “La belle au bois dormant” or “The Sleeping Beauty in the Woods” that the Grimms’ informant possibly retold a hundred years later, has seven good fairies invited to the shindig, because everyone assumes that fairy number eight is dead or too ill to travel or senile or whatever. Here you can see that this isn’t an error made because a king was afraid of committing a faux pas and not from being afraid of the “bad” fairy, but because no one bothered to check on the old woman and find out what the reality was. You know what they say about what happens when you assume. So this time a young fairy steps forward and changes the curse, and instead of violently burning all the spinning wheels and spindles, the king merely outlaws their use. When the princess is sixteen or seventeen, (French nobles apparently had a little more childhood than German peasants,) she finds an old woman spinning in a tower who has remarkably never heard of the spinning ban. She hands over the spindle and the princess pricks her hand, and faints dead away. The king puts her on a bed of gold and I’m gonna quote Ashliman for this next part: “When the accident happened to the princess, the good fairy who had saved her life by condemning her to sleep a hundred years was in the kingdom of Mataquin, twelve thousand leagues away. She was instantly warned of it... [and] set off at once, and within an hour her chariot of fire, drawn by dragons, was seen approaching.” She puts everyone in the castle to sleep and this time the thorn hedge is actually a privacy fence that sprouts up under the good fairy’s magic. A hundred years later, some prince is having Adventures in the Woods when he sees the tops of the castle towers from a distance. One of his retinue tells him there’s a pretty girl inside, so he goes to check it out. Bruh, the brambles part for him magically, but allow only him, out of all of his party, to enter. He doesn’t awaken this princess with a kiss, but by the mere act of falling down beside her and being so genuinely and enormously in love with her that she wakes up on her own. Ol’ Charlie’s story is not over by half, though. They talk for hours, Perrault has a lot about eating and getting dressed and then they nap together a little, and finally get married. The prince’s mother is an ogre, however, and wants to eat her grandkids, Dawn and Day. Where does this come from? Why is it in here? What the actual heck? And it gets crazier from there. The prince becomes king and rides forth to wage war in a distant land, and the queen actually tells her steward that she wants to eat the little girl for her dinner. He tricks her by hiding Dawn and serving the queen a lamb instead. Next day, she wants to eat the little boy. He tricks her again by serving her a baby goat. Then, she wants to eat her daughter-in-law and they serve the evil queen venison. Then one day she hears the voices of her erstwhile entrees in the castle, discovers that she had been tricked, and prepares a cauldron full of venomous reptiles to throw the three innocents into to their deaths. The prince-turned-king shows up just in time and his mother is so beside herself with rage that she actually throws herself into the vat instead. So, yeah, weird stuff. Stuff that the Germans left out, or forgot, or decided that there was no “moral” that they wanted anything to do with. Was Perrault out of his damn mind?

WELL AS IT TURNS OUT, Perrault was actually retelling a Neapolitan folk tale that had been collected long before by a fellow named Giambattista Basile. He called the story “Sun, Moon, and Talia.” There is some evidence that it predates Basile, but most folklorists start there because the problem with oral tradition is that it’s rarely written down (ba-dump-tsss.) So we can definitively pick up the European version of Sleeping Beauty in Naples, Italy, in the early seventeenth century, when this mid-level clerk and author writes down a whole bunch of “nursery tales” and then dies. One of the stories he writes down is called “Sun, Moon, and Talia.” And I didn’t want to talk about it much before, except that I think understanding that Perrault seriously sanitized Basile’s story is the perfect illustration of “what happens when a story is retold.” In Basile’s story, to which I’m linking an okay version here with a content warning for rape and for the fact that they linked that painting “Nightmare” to the story, http://www.mftd.org/index.php?action=story&act=select&id=3364, Talia the princess is not cursed, but her father’s scholars tell her fortune and say to the king that she would “incur great danger from a splinter of flax.” He forbade flax (from which linen is made) from entering the castle. So in this version, it is the material, not necessarily the method of transforming it, that imperils the princess. Yes this is a giant metaphor for sexual intercourse and/or loss of innocence. Nonetheless, she comes across a woman who is spinning flax into thread, wants to try it, and gets a splinter under her nail. She falls down dead. The king is heartbroken, shutters the castle, and leaves her propped up on a throne. Some time later, another king comes across the castle, explores it, sees the dead Talia who seems to be weathering her death remarkably well, and has his way with her. I can only imagine what ran through Perrault’s head when he came across this. “Sacre bleu!!! Non, non ma petite chere, this will not do. A true king would never!” or something like that. ANYWAY, Basile’s story is still the frame on which Perrault based his literary fairy tale, for Talia gives birth to twins, a boy and a girl, Moon and Sun, one of which sucks the splinter out of her finger, and she awakens. The king finds her but keeps her a secret. The king’s wife (he has a wife!) sends for them, and then to get revenge on her husband she orders the children cooked and served to him one day, but again there is a switcheroo and the cook uses lambs instead, and later it all comes out and Talia marries the king and Basile’s moral (vastly different than that of Perrault) is “Those whom fortune favors find good luck even in their sleep.” I don’t know if that was written in “sarcasm gothic” or not.

The bones of all of the stories are the same, but in each iteration something has changed which makes a huge impact on the overall themes of each telling. First, Perrault drops the rape of Talia, and slides the villain role over to the prince’s mother and makes the rape-king a virtuous prince to erase the royal philandering and necrophilia, and there is no kiss at all. The Germans bring the kiss back, weirdly enough, to somehow reach back through Perrault’s chivalrication to the sexual component of Briar Rose’s awakening-- it might be the imagery of the spindle, which in some cases is a big rod typically dropped between a spinner’s knees to make the yarn or thread, or it could be the completely bonkers idea that just kneeling beside her bed would not be enough to break the kiss (but then again, why wouldn’t a test of virtue be enough? Indeed, in the Disney version, the three fairies arm Phillip with “the shield of virtue.”) In Basile’s version, Talia dead, not sleeping, and in the Disney version there is the totally weird seclusion until young adulthood (that weirdly enough hearkens to the Irish legend of Deirdre, a woman who was betrothed to the king of Ulster and was sequestered to both preserve her innocence and thwart a dire prophecy but who still managed to run off with another guy and cause an epic war) and they rename the princess Aurora, which is Latin for Dawn, which is the name of her daughter in the French version. It’s all very intermangled.

Did other stories with similarities come from a single stalk, an ur-story like the Great Hunt may have? D. L. Ashliman in Folk and Fairy Tales: A Handbook tells us that Grimm and other folklorists believe that these SB stories are the vestiges of myths (132) such as the story of Brunhilde, who was put to sleep with an enchanted thorn for reaping a warrior favored by Odin. Or does this particular metaphor just crop up in cultures everywhere through synchronicity? In the Japanese folktale The Matsuyama Mirror, a young girl is given a mirror by her father, who tells her that whenever she is sad she can look in the mirror and see her mother, and eventually the mirror’s symbolism thwarts her evil stepmother, much as in the story of Snow White. Is there an even older story that connects these two?

I chose these four versions of Sleeping Beauty because for one thing this story was mentioned in the text of The Scar, they are clearly family, and the American/European versions are the most familiar to me (and I assume at least the American audience of Supernatural) so it easy to demonstrate this “digging down” to get to the seed of a story-- in this case the sterilization of the Sleeping Beauty story is an excellent metaphor for a powerful trauma weathering and being repressed-- or healed-- over time. Many scholars have noted the sexual symbolism of the spindle, which if you’ve never seen one is a rod of varying lengths with a round weight at the bottom, and in hand-spinning, typically a spinner hangs the spidle between their legs and it can pump up and down as it spins. Even the later versions of the story that feature spinning wheels have a spindle on them, and it is an unmistakably phallic component of the rig, coupled with the pistoning action of the spinner’s foot on the treadle to spin the flywheel. So hm. However, not all spindles are sharp enough to possibly prick a hand or a finger, and in the original “Talia” it is the flax splinter that inserts itself into her flesh. At any rate, it’s a metaphor for sexual penetration retold for an audience that has increasingly moved further and further away from being able to see (or is unwilling to acknowledge) sexual subtext.

Jack’s perfect day was bittersweet, but was also unmistakably idyllic and idealized, almost Disnified, although the magic was still unmistakably powerful. The scene by the river, where Jack explicitly invokes the memory of John, should also illuminate scenes from the series’ past, such as Dean’s dream sequence where he was fishing off of a dock, or where rogue angel Daniel was fishing when he was found by Castiel and Hannah. Fishing is a motif, if you will; it’s been featured in the show before. Jack’s eventual death is one of the show’s tale types. Dean, Sam, and Cas have all been through it-- as Cas says in The Spear, it’s “something of a rite of passage.” But we’re being told this story again from a point of view that was almost tragically abbreviated the first time-- when John trades his soul for Dean’s in In My Time of Dying, we got very little of what it means for a parent to sacrifice themselves for a child. Likewise, the other times that TFW faced their dooms, they had (albeit under duress) volunteered themselves. Jack was an innocent. Dying is perhaps the ultimate loss of innocence-- it certainly was for Talia. So by stripping away the halcyon glow of the river scene, we get to the bones of where the “under threat of impending death” tale type originated in the series.

This whole season so far has been the most clever way possible to do a “retrospective.” It’s not a sign that a show is tired, but that it has reached a point of self-reflection that very very few shows ever get to.

I have to wonder if this way of painting season 14’s arc through a constellation of motifs-- through callbacks as hysterical as the Scooby lunchbox full of pressurized gas in Mint Condition to returning characters as poignant as Lilly Sunder’s appearance in Byzantium, to thematic parallels to past seasons-- is going to continue into the second half of the season. We will know quickly, as the stakes have been raised after Dean’s repossession, whether Dabb and his writers continue to use the motif index of the show, or if this retrospective period is over and we’ll be covering new thematic ground. I will say, this theme has been tied up pretty neatly with the mid-season finale, that while Castiel essentially stepped into the Jack’s Fractured Fairy Tale much the same way that the way the good fairy modifies the evil fairy’s curse in Sleeping Beauty, that choice could shift everything in his mythos over to “beat the devil” which is another favorite SPN story, Tale Type 210a or whatever (and is irl ATU 330: The Smith Outwits the Devil and hopefully would be 330C which is the kind of “Devil Went Down to Georgia” classic American and African-American story.) (Imagine the SPN Tale Type Index starting with “1-199 - Origin Stories - 1a Burning Wife, 1b Burning Girlfriend, 1c House Burns Down, 2 Demon Blood Fed to Infant” and etcetera… anyways.) And we know that Cas and Sam are going into Dean’s headspace to get him, so there’s the rescuing forces storming the sleeping castle trope (remember the “sleeping” patron in Rocky’s Bar?) getting resolved potentially. But I do believe that this focused close reading brings to light a “healing trauma” theme that the history of Sleeping Beauty makes explicit. It is not the only reading of the show to do that, but again, if I could describe Dabb’s era with one phrase it would be “There’s no such thing as too much meta.”

See y’all Thursday night!

[catflowerqueen]

Oh, how about what Armaldo did to make him an outlaw? o/

What Armaldo did to make him an outlaw:

The short answer is that he was tricked into stealing someone’s private property, and then when he realized that he’d been tricked he lost the items in the ensuing confrontation with the person who tricked him, and then he was too terrified to just go and fess up about what happened and ended up running instead. Which honestly might have actually saved his life at that point, considering who he inadvertently stole from and what exactly he stole in the first place.

As for the longer version…

(Incoming spoilers, subject to change)

A little bit of backstory is probably in order. We alreadyknow from canon that Armaldo was apparently a seasoned explorer before he becamean outlaw. My version of him actually takes things a step further—before he wasan official explorer, he was a member of a rescue team. I might detail a bitmore about the differences between the two in a later post, if you or anyoneelse is interested—because the two can be seen as very similar—but the maindifference really comes down to the name: Rescue teams rescue while Explorationteams explore. If a rescue team gets a mission involving an outlaw, it willeither be because someone currently being menaced by said outlaw sent out arequest to be rescued, or the outlaw themselves got into such deep trouble thatthey would gladly spend the rest of their life in prison if it meant that theyactually got to keep having a life. Other requests are likewise because someoneis literally in need of a rescue/their friend needs to be rescued/they need anitem of some sort in order for survival (or perhaps something a little lessdire, but it’s nonetheless an item that they need). Exploration teams, on theother hand, are already supposed to be going everywhere and exploring everythingthat they can, so it makes sense that if they just so happen to find an outlawin the area that they’re in that they somehow be deputized in order to takethem down and bring them in for arrest. And actually going out looking just forthe purposes of finding an outlaw still falls under the category of lookingaround and exploring, so… yeah

 Another important distinction is that Rescue teams are alwaysgoing to be under a time constraint—someone is in trouble, they need to help asquickly as possible, they can’t be quite as discerning in what sorts ofmissions they take, and they can’t stop and smell the roses or take time tolook around and map their surroundings too much beyond what it would take tomake sure that they can get places safely. But Exploration teams are encouragedto take their time and look around, since the whole point is exploring. And,sure, sometimes specific missions they take will require them to stay within aspecific time limit, but that isn’t supposed to be their norm.

 Armaldo found that he liked the journey, as it were, morethan the destination, so after a few years as a rescuer, he switched over tobecoming an explorer.

The problem is, he did not have as much oversight as, say,the player and partner did when he decided to switch. There aren’t reallyspecific rules that one has to join a guild or anything when they become anexplorer, and I don’t think that it’s strictly even legally necessary toofficially register with the Exploration Federation. It just means that theywill be basically on their own, and they won’t get any help from theFederation, and they won’t necessarily have access to official jobs—like theones that get posted on the bulletin boards. They still might, but it wouldlikely be limited and dependent on where exactly they are getting them.

 After all, the main draw of actually joining the WigglytuffGuild came down to protection and training while they were starting out—a goodway to play things safe. But I highly doubt that Team Skull would have joined aguild—they wouldn’t want to cut into their profits, after all, and they wereprobably pushing it a bit in that regards to stay legally registered with theFederation, since they probably take their share as well—we just never see howmuch because the guild likely took care of the actual accounting and whatnotsince they were already taking a cut of the reward money.

 But Armaldo was already used to being on his own in dangeroussituations, what with all the years as a rescuer under his belt, so he didn’tbother to join a guild. And he may or may not have actually signed up with theFederation, either—he already had a bag, after all, and he may not have beeninterested in the “taking jobs/missions” aspect of exploration teams, since,again, that’s really more of a side thing than the main point. Also, it’s notlike he could have joined the Wigglytuff Guild or anything since it obviouslydidn’t exist yet.

 So there you have Armaldo, doing his thing, exploring around…likely losing a bit of his enjoyment for the whole situation along the way(evidenced by some of the things he says to Igglybuff at the end of the specialepisode—in part because he’s all on his own now, since he doesn’t have theFederation or the Rescue Team equivalent available to help out at all—and—this isthe important part—no real knowledge of how official missions are handed outand vetted in regards to Exploration teams. In other words—a prime target for ascam.

 So when one day a ditto comes along with the story of howsome pokemon was taking advantage of his status as a rarity to bully others andtake their things, and how something really important of theirs got taken, andhow they would be really glad if someone could go and get it back, they wouldhappily reward the pokemon who helped them out… Armaldo had no way of knowingit was a trick. How would he? No one would ever lie on their requests, since itwas literally a matter of life and death, so he wouldn’t even conceive of thepossibility that someone would lie on an exploration request either. And,again, the request didn’t go through official channels, so he would have noidea that exploration requests—especially ones regarding outlaw situations—wouldbe vetted first. And he’d been around long enough to know that it was entirelyplausible that someone would abuse their status, because people and pokemon canbe major jerks sometimes. He was already bitter and jaded enough by life ingeneral—especially once the allure of exploring started to wear off with thereality of what it really entailed when one was all on their own—so he prettymuch just ignored how sketchy the whole situation sounded, and only asked forthe barest of details of what he was supposed to go and retrieve.

 This would come back to bite him later. Hard, and multipletimes.

 What did he need to find? A set of two intricately carvedand beautifully painted stone keys, apparently. And who took them? A celebi,apparently. Rare enough on its own, sure, but apparently this one feltextra-entitled because he was some weird form of shiny whose condition onlyaffected his eyes. He may have been green like a normal celebi, rather thanpink like a shiny, but his eyes were this really interesting gold color.

 You read that right: Armaldo ended up stealing from Mason.

 Of course, Armaldo wasn’t totally stupid—if he’d been told thathe had to fight the legendary, he would have backed off. But Ditto specifiedthat he just had to get the keys “back.” They didn’t want “justice” oranything, they didn’t want to press charges for “theft,” they just wanted thosekeys “back.”

 So, Armaldo went and stole the keys. He was mostlysuccessful—he didn’t end up having to fight, at any rate, which would have endedpoorly—but he didn’t get away quite Scott-free, as Mason was able to catchenough of a glimpse of him in order to identify him—and/or he got one thehumans he knew to try and have a Dimensional Scream in the area in order tofigure out what happened.

 At first, Armaldo didn’t really care about the fact that he’dbeen spotted—still under the impression that Mason was the original thief, hefigured that nothing would happen and Mason wouldn’t go to the authorities oranything because that would mean that he would have to admit to the theft inthe first place. But by the time he figured out he’d been lied to… by the timehe lost the keys and could no longer return them, even though he had managed tokeep them out of the hands of the liar… well.

 To his credit, he did seriously consider going and turninghimself in when he first lost the items—because he figured that would net himsome leniency, and that they might actually be able to help him find them andreturn them to their rightful owner—but then he actually saw just how seriousthe situation was. Mason was absolutely furious. Apoplectically furious, even,and switching between the anger and anguish in equal terms. And that thingabout bias when it came to rarity? Well it was sure working just the wayArmaldo thought it would, since law enforcement seemed to be taking thingsextra-seriously in this instance (though possibly not quite as seriously asArmaldo thought—yeah, there definitely was a bit of heightened security andbias in Mason’s favor, but a lot of those extra “officers” were actually someof Relatia’s worshippers from the pokemon world who had come out of hiding inorder to search for the keys). So Armaldo was pretty justifiably terrifiedabout the prospect of getting caught, and decided to head for the hills instead—eventuallyending up in Murky Cave, years later, where he would meet an Igglybuff andchange his life forever.

 Honestly, probably the worst aspect of the consequencesArmaldo eventually faced after he was finally caught was having to face Mason againand explain what happened. Mason didn’t hurt him—it would be stupid to with lawenforcement right there, for one. But the main reason is that he found out thatthe keys were pretty much lost for good since Armaldo didn’t have them and didn’tknow where they’d ended up in the scuffle with the Ditto—aside from “notactually with the Ditto,” of course—Mason was too devastated to do much.And that look of pure anguish and devastation still haunts Armaldo to this day,even after serving his time and making a new start for himself. As does thefrigid glare and declaration that Mason would never, ever forgive him that thecelebi gave before he despondently left for parts more or less unknown.

 At this point you may be wondering why, exactly, Mason wasso despondent over the thought of losing this set of keys. Well, there wereactually many reasons:

 1.     The general “my stuff just got stolen and I’mupset about it” reason

2.     One of those keys technically didn’t belong tohim—it was on loan from the Rainbow Child

3.     Because of the whole situation with Pupil andthe triplets—which has already been elaborated on in an earlier post—it wasunlikely that he would ever see a Rainbow Child ever again—which meant that hejust lost one of the few physical things he had left to remind him of her.

4.     The doors that those keys unlock lead to placeswhich are very important to the Rainbow and Golden Children and hold some veryprecious things—so those, too, were also lost to Mason along with the keys.

5.     There are also Time Gears hidden in those places,so good luck getting to those if for some reason the other, less guarded onesare unavailable when Temporal Tower inevitably breaks down.

 Granted, he wasn’t necessarily too upset about that last pointsince the keys are only one of the two prerequisites needed to get at those particularTime Gears… but it still wasn’t a good situation and just made the whole thingthat much harder to deal with. Luckily they weren’t actually needed.

 So, yeah, it would be rather awkward if Armaldo and Masonwere ever to come in contact again—especially if Laura was also nearby at thetime.

 Which of course means that it’s going to happen eventually.

Though to be quite honest, Laura would likely have been muchless upset at the whole situation, and is definitely going to be upset/worriedfor far different reasons once she inevitably finds out about whathappened. Part of that is going to be because the keys will have eventuallybeen found and returned by the time he meets Mason again—though Armaldo isn’tgoing to be the one to recover them—but mainly it will be because she has herown mixed feelings about the location and contents stored behind the door thather key unlocks. She probably won’t be too upset about the actual theft itself—atleast as it pertains to her specific key—because it’s not as if she even had anyuse for it at the time since she wasn’t even in the same world. And,technically speaking, neither she nor Mason are even supposed to visit thoseplaces unless it’s to retrieve a Time Gear—which would really be the main reasonthe situation would have upset her in the first place… or at the least the mainreason which she would have consciously allowed herself to acknowledge—sincethey made promises to each other that they wouldn’t dwell on the other thingsthey hid there. Not that Mason listened, apparently.

 Armaldo will be continually confused and relieved by thisattitude in turns. And then will feel horribly guilty again on behalf of bothMason and Laura when he actually finds out what is hidden behind thedoors those keys unlock—since someone is inevitably going to steal them againand blame him for it due to plot reasons, and he will feel compelled to help rightthe wrong and get them back even though no one actually blames him this timesince they know he didn’t do it since Laura was able to exonerate himimmediately because of more plot related reasons. And the guilt is without evenknowing that there are Time Gears there, because that particular bit ofinformation isn’t actually going to be revealed to anyone (outside of Mason andLaura, who obviously already know) until later on in the story, when a particularghost-type and his compatriots make a trip back from the future.

 If you’re curious about anything else that was mentionedhere, feel free to ask. The actual keys and their mysteries are particularlyfascinating, especially when it comes to the intricacies of Laura’s feelings onthe matter.

Asks might not get answered right away, though—I really doneed to buckle down and get my actual paper for school finished.

[theinsatiables]

First Impressions: High Life

The way Wim Wenders tells it, it was his co-producer on the set of Paris, Texas who insisted she’d found her. The perfect assistant. A young woman who would, according to Wenders, guide him “safely through this journey into unknown territory.”

Thirty-six years later, and calling to mind Wenders’ West Texas desert—how it cites the pure vacancy of a lunar landscape—we enter real space. But not the sort of space one hurtles through, dutifully. And not the sort of space flecked with stars and dust, sanctifying some great, beautiful beyond. No. This space, as conceived by director Claire Denis—that young woman who once guided Wenders safely into unknown territory—is decelerated and grisly, spiraling yet carnal. It’s the filmmaker’s English-language debut, a difficult albeit awing movie cleverly titled High Life. In it, Denis administers somatic doom at nearly every turn, telling the story of Monte (Robert Pattinson), the sole survivor—along with his infant daughter, Willow—of a twisted, failed mission where the government has sent death row inmates into space to collect energy from a black hole.

Monte and Willow’s life is incremental. Hermetic and isolated. One tiny step at a time, one lullaby, one sleep. Like the three notes of a familiar tune, reprising over and over, Monte and Willow’s life is eerie-anticipant. Somehow amateurish. They are the only ones.

What is it about fathers and daughters that feels predisposed to imagery of what’s left? Or of what’s been left behind. Of winging it while on the road. What is it about a father and daughter that so easily resembles two souls on the lam? Seeking and lost in a lovely way, but not free.

**

Paper Moon (1973) is a movie played by a real-life father and daughter. Ryan O’Neil and Tatum O’Neil are Moze and Addie, con artists during the Great Depression. Polly Platt’s unequaled production design and her material vision of Midwestern flatlands, windswept and wide open, give rise to an environment—much like space’s inhospitable wonder—that evokes the end of something or the very start. The film’s poster features father and daughter, sitting on a crescent moon, cold sober among the stars. Theirs is a high life, too.  

The poster for High Life. Two hands, holding on. The tagline reads “Oblivion awaits.” Like some fugue-state invitation playing into that funny feeling which exists so long as the outcome isn’t fully known: anticipation. That the father-daughter pair are in space is clarified only through the father: his fingers are gloved in his space suit. Hers are pudgy. A baby’s wrist marked by how it doesn’t totally taper. A baby’s grip marked by its remarkable strength. We cannot help but remark on the baby’s grip. So strong, we’ll say.

While Moze and Addie are sitting on a crescent moon, as if the moon were a swing bench, Monte and baby Willow are holding hands among lush, medicinal-green growth. Little yellow mushrooms sprout. This zone is damp, misty, cared for. The sort of green not associated with space but with sativa. Green is High Life’s incongruous strange. It’s the film’s attempt at Arcadia, so long as Arcadia—in true Denis form—is portioned and untenable. Denis’ vision for High Life is both void and overgrown. This paradoxical, amazingly plotless torpor represents only a small portion of why High Lifedefies category. Of why High Life is near impossible to metabolize. Of why High Life’s use of green is matched only by its use of red and magenta (green’s opposites on the color wheel). The inmates’ uniforms are dyed a maroon-red. (André Benjamin plays Tcherny, an inmate who wears his uniform while nursing the garden.) The ship’s interiors radiate an oxidized red. (Juliette Binoche plays Dr. Dibs, a wanton doctor wearing a Renata Adler braid, who navigates those interiors, deliberately, lasciviously.) Red, in this case, represents what’s cosmic but also what’s bodily. Glowing, pulsing, planetary light. Blood, fluids, insides, throb. The red and magenta, and the green, recall Paris, Texas. Harry Dean Stanton as Travis Henderson, lost in the film’s opening, wearing his red baseball cap—a panorama of green mountains behind him. Nastassja Kinski’s Jane Henderson. Her bright pink sweater. That room with red accents like a phone, the lamp, the curtains. She’s separated by a pane of glass like Monte in space, in his red room, also separated by a pane of glass: his helmet, the shuttle.

**

Why does High Life feel like a Western? Its irreverence? Or maybe it’s all this talk of Wenders. Sam Shepard, who co-wrote Paris, Texas (finishing it over the phone), feels close to a Monte. That cowboy sensibility that neighbors monastic, that feels like poetry. Like Monte himself, who practices quiet, measured restraint. Who keeps to himself. Whose proximity to violence is indistinct.

In Denis’ Nénette and Boni (1997), Gregoire Colin, who plays Boni, also has shorn hair and sharp features. He is a brother caring for his estranged sister, Nénette, who re-enters his life seven months pregnant. As Roger Ebert wrote in his review, “They form, if you will, a couple. Not one based on incestuous feelings, but on mutual need and weakness: Boni provides what emotional hope Nénette lacks, and her pregnancy adds a focus and purpose to his own life.” Denis gives the family a feeling of fringe. Denis portrays family as an impression; as the people we can count on to interrupt our lives.

**

What is it about fathers and daughters, in film, that seems suited for the sky? That certain stupor that being up there delivers. There’s Armageddon, for one. Fly Away Home and Interstellar, too. Maren Ade’s Toni Erdmann was certainly, perfectly, out there. Monte is an outlaw. Moze is a conman. In one of High Life’s earliest lines, Monte is tending to Willow. He says, “Don’t drink your own piss, Willow. Don’t eat your own shit. Even if it’s recycled. Even if it doesn’t look like piss or shit anymore. It’s called a taboo. TAH-BOO. TAAAAA-boo.” The first word he teaches his daughter explains who he is, in part, or how Monte is categorized: someone, something, banned. And yet, the way Pattinson says TAAAAA-boo, seems to hint at what High Life raises and dismisses. The closeness between father and daughter. This isn’t a story of what gets passed down.

While Wim Wenders was preparing production for Alice in the Cities (1974), the first film in his road trilogy, a friend took him to see Paper Moon. Wenders—shaken by the film’s similarities to Alice (the black and white; the road; the searching men Philip and Moze; the girls, nine-years-old yet persuasive, tough equals)—nearly cancelled his film. Eventually, and thanks to the advice of Samuel Fuller, Wenders rewrote the script to differentiate it. His poetic, plainspoken script which brings to mind Platt’s dusty, terrestrial design for Paper Moon, is perfectly articulated by a line in Alice. Describing the view from a plane, as captured in a Polaroid—the plane’s wing, its shadow, the sky’s vast cozy of clouds—Alice says, “That’s a lovely picture. It’s so empty.”

**

In an essay by the writer Siri Hustvedt, titled “My Father Myself,” Hustvedt describes how as she got older, there was a shift in her relationship with her father. “He seemed unavailable to a degree that startled me,” she writes. “It could be difficult for him to say, so sometimes he would do.” Hustvedt recounts a tearful, painful visit to the orthodontist where she was fitted for braces. On the way home, her father stopped at a gas station, left the car, and returned with a box of chocolate-covered cherries — her father’s favorite. “I was eleven years old and, even then, I felt poignancy mingle with comedy.” She didn’t like chocolate-covered cherries and couldn’t possibly eat them having just been fitted for braces. “The mute gesture has stayed with me as one of infinite, if somewhat wrong-headed kindness, and as a token of his love.”

Monte calls Willow his “little package.” She was delivered to him; he carries her though he didn’t carry her. Monte is a reluctant father who studies his daughter’s approach to life, like some kind of loving, curious reconnaissance. The soothing doesn’t come naturally. There is no intense identification. He handles her undecidedly. Theirs is a solitude that feels both invented, but also, a means for recovery. Wordless gestures that seem to say, we’re in it together. The film’s last line—“Shall we?”—submits to this notion, as if answering High Life’s tagline. “Shall we?” is less of a question and more of a pact.

**

My father recently spent a month in the hospital, in isolation. One evening, I went to see him after work. I stayed with him for four, five hours, not saying anything while he slept. He was in agony—of which he tried to show little. But there it was—the pain—in how he slept, curled up and head covered by his blanket. He’d become thin. He wasn’t eating. There were tubes and beeping sounds, masks, and hospital gowns. I sat on a daybed near the window, my palms growing sweaty in latex gloves. It was dark and we felt deserted. Like the entire world outside my father’s hospital room no longer existed. Or if it did, once, it was now abandoned. That particular hush, like an aftermath, like the phone lines had been cut. That hush, like the science of a hospital room—engineered to monitor life, yet devoid of it, somehow. There was nothing to do but be the company and comfort my father’s subconscious needed. My mind wandered to a singsong Bengali refrain my father used to say to me before bed, when I was a kid. It went:

Akashey aakta chand, arekta chand koi?

(There is a moon in the sky, where is the other moon?)

And I would shout: Eiijey!

(Here I am!)

Sitting in the hospital, on the daybed just five or so feet from my father, I kept wanting to whisper, Eiijey! Eiijey, Baba!

In that dark room, we felt like two moons alone in the sky.

-Durga Chew-Bose

[pikelanette]

A Pirate’s Life For Me (chapter 3)

Pairing: pikelan Words: 2172 Rated: M (for language) Link: ao3 Chapter 1: tumblr / ao3 Chapter 2: tumblr / ao3

a multi-chapter pikelan pirate AU - chapter 3

Pike woke him up a couple of hours later so he would still be able to sleep that night. Scanlan was as groggy as he came after a few-hour long nap in the middle of the evening. His head ached like a fucker and he immediately said as much.

Pike shook her head with a smile on her face and reached out to stroke his head a few times. As she did, the rush of power came over him again and the headache subsided. He sighed in relief.

“Thanks. There’s nothing I hate more than headaches.”

“Nothing?”

“Almost nothing.”

“Well, you’re welcome.”

For a while, they just went about their business separately. Pike was frowning and staring at her symbol of Sarenrae again, and Scanlan fiddled with his pan flute for a bit. He wasn’t trying to get some more work done on the glyph – that would be extremely bad for his health, and he knew it. Even if he had a resident cleric at hand, too much magic wasn’t something to play around with in his experience.

Eventually, in the middle of doing nothing, Pike started humming that tune again. She had part of the blankets in her lap and was pulling at a thread on it, as if she couldn’t stop herself. Scanlan froze in his tracks.

His movement must have been abrupt, because Pike looked up at him immediately and stopped humming. “Scanlan?”

“I’m fine,” he told her, “It’s just… What song is that?”

“Ah.” Pike thought about that for a moment. “I’m not sure, actually. Papa Wilhand used to sing it to me. You reminded me of it.”

“I did?”

She nodded. “I don’t know why. It’s not like your arcane magic is in gnomish.” She looked up at him. “Do you know it as well?”

“Vaguely…”

His voice drifted off and he caught himself, looking back up at her. She had her head tilted a little, and was looking at him curiously.

He tried for a grin. “It’s been a long time since I heard that kind of song.”

The spark of curiosity in her eyes brightened. “How old are you?”

He tutted. “Now, now, never ask a gnome his age.”

She laughed. “Fine, then. Did your parents sing it to you?”

Scanlan turned away from her a little so she couldn’t see his face. “My mom,” he said casually.

“Ah,” Pike said.

She sounded so understanding that he was momentarily annoyed.

“What?” he snapped.

“Nothing.”

Pike hesitated for a moment. “What was her name?”

Scanlan stared at the wood in front of him, felt the swaying of the ship on the calm waves, listened to the creaking of the ship.

“Juniper,” he then said.

“Pretty name,” Pike responded quietly.

Scanlan looked at her again. He shouldn’t have snapped at her.

“What’s your mother’s name?” he asked.

“Maxime.”

“Good name as well.”

Pike snorted.

He arched an eyebrow at her, and she blushed lightly when she saw.

“It’s just,” she stammered, “My mom… Well, we didn’t keep in touch.”

“How so?”

“She’s not a good person. Not that my dad is a good person… Really, there’s probably a grand total of two good people in my family. Wilhand and Grog.”

“Wilhand isn’t your father?”

She shook her head. “He’s my great-great-grandfather. And Grog is adopted. Sort of.”

“Wow.” Scanlan leaned back against the wall. “And what about the rest of them?”

Pike shrugged her shoulders. “They’re off somewhere or other. Cheating people out of their purses.”

“Charlatans?”

“That’s one word for it. It’s how I got my name.”

“Pike?”

She looked at him weirdly for a moment. “What? Oh! No. My last name. Trickfoot.”

“Trickfoot,” he muttered. Didn’t sound familiar.

He nodded slowly. Not the best part of her life, then. That made sense. Pike didn’t seem like the charlatan type.

“At least they’re not pirates,” he joked, before he could stop himself.

Pike nodded. “That’s true. Not like these bastards.” She glared at the ceiling once more.

Scanlan was quiet for a moment. He flicked his wrist a few times, making his flute appear and disappear. He kept his eyes on the familiar carved wood, the tiny flowery swirls that Keyleth had added to it when she made it for him.

“Have you dealt with pirates much?” he asked.

Pike shook her head. “No. Just once or twice. We usually fought them off pretty easily. They’re not that powerful, usually.”

He smiled a little at that. “Not compared to Pike the War Cleric.”

“Exactly.” She smiled at him. “Have you come across pirates before?”

“Sure,” he said, “But… I don’t know, they can be very different from each other.”

Pike nodded contemplatively at that. “That’s true. Some pirates don’t even attack merchant’s vessels.”

“True. They keep to the crown’s ships.” A tiny smile formed around his lips. “Or other pirates.”

“Now that sounds like fun,” Pike said.

Scanlan almost dropped his flute mid-wrist flick, but he managed to keep control of his magic. “You think so?”

Pike hummed emphatically. “Paying guys like these back? You can’t say that’s not tempting.”

“Oh, no, I agree. I guess I just wasn’t sure you would. I mean, there’s privateers who do the same thing without being outlaws.”

She nodded again. “Sure. But…” She hesitated for a moment, but then seemed to catch herself. They were in the belly of a pirate’s ship: the only person who could hear what she was saying was Scanlan. She looked him over for a moment, frowning a little, as if trying to gauge what his reaction would be.

“The people in charge…” she said finally, “They’re not always the smartest.”

“True.”

“And, well…” She pursed her lips. “I’m not the person for politics. At all. But if I would get my hands on all the money pirates have stolen for the crown and distribute it amongst the people of Tal’Dorei myself… Well, there’s a lot of good that can be done with that kind of money, you know? Privateers… They have to just hand everything back over to the same people who lost it.”

Scanlan frowned a little and thought that over. “I hadn’t really considered that,” he muttered, “That could be really interesting.”

“Right? I feel like… I don’t know, you can do the right thing without being legal per se. Or even in charge. If you have enough balls, and enough heart, you can change the world for the better without getting caught up in endless rules and paperwork.”

“You’ve thought about this a lot,” he stated, sounding a little surprise.

Another one of Pike’s little blushes appeared on her cheeks. They were quickly becoming his favourite thing in the world.

“Well, I had a few weeks of down-time,” she said.

As if that thought triggered another, she immediately started frowning again.

“There he is again.”

She looked up at him. “What?”

“You’re thinking about your brother.”

She blinked. “How did you know?”

He moved up to her and pressed his finger onto her forehead, right where it crinkled when she frowned. “You have a tell,” he told her with a teasing smile.

Pike swatted his hand away in embarrassment. “You’re perceptive,” she mumbled.

Scanlan sat back and sent her a smug grin. “Quite.”

She shook her head at him again, but there wasn’t anything disapproving about it.

“What were you thinking now?” he asked, and he nudged her gently.

Pike sighed. “Just… I really miss Grog.”

Scanlan nodded. “That makes sense. I mean, I don’t have any siblings, but… Well. I have some people who come close, I guess. I guess I miss them too. A little.”

Pike got very quiet for a moment and when he looked up at her, she was staring at the floor, one hand clasped tightly around her holy symbol. “Were they on the ship with you?”

Oh. She thought they were…

“No,” he assured her, “No, I took this trip alone. I was on my way back to them.”

Visible relief overtook her expression. “Good.” Her gaze turned quizzical. “What kind of trip were you taking anyway?”

“Oh, just… boring stuff.” Scanlan fumbled for words, trying to find something. And since they had just talked about her family, to his greatest surprise the thing that came out eventually was: “I visited my mother’s grave site for the anniversary of her death. We lived in Wildemount.”

Pike startled and looked at him wide-eyed. “Oh, I’m so sorry…”

“Don’t be.” He smiled at her, feeling mildly guilty. “It was a long time ago.”

She hesitated. “What happened?”

Why had he brought this up?

Still, even though usually the topic of his mother made him clam up and leave as soon as possible, he found that he was actually pretty comfortable with telling Pike. Especially with the way she was sitting beside him, looking up at him with eyes that were endlessly gentle.

“There was a goblin invasion of our village.” His voice stayed soft, as if he was relaying bad news to her. “She didn’t make it.”

“I’m so sorry, Scanlan.”

He attempted another smile. “Like I said, it’s been a long time. I’ve made my peace with it.”

“Have you?”

This time, Scanlan was the one who startled. He stared at her, and Pike stared straight back at him. He wondered how she could go from gentle to not-taking-emotional-prisoners in such a short amount of time.

Pike gave him time to reboot his brain, and when he did, he frowned. “Well. Maybe not. It’s hard to make your peace with something like that, I guess.”

‘”Definitely,” Pike nodded, “I would even say almost impossible.”

Scanlan nodded slowly as well. “Well, that’s an insight into myself I hadn’t had before.”

Pike laughed. “Look at me casually changing your life.”

He looked at her. “Yeah,” he said softly, “Look at you.”

Pike’s brain had already moved on, and she looked off into the distance. “I almost lost Wilhand to a sort of invasion, you know. But he made it. I can’t believe how lucky I am sometimes.”

She seemed startled by her own words and looked back at Scanlan. “Oh shit, was that super insensitive?”

Scanlan smiled at her. “No. I’m glad you got that chance. Goblins too?”

“Goliaths. But one of them stood up against the others and saved him.” A wide smile appeared on her face. “Grog.”

“Your brother is a goliath?”

“Adopted,” Pike clarified again quickly.

“Still.”

He’d never worked with a goliath before. Could be real interesting. They definitely had their uses.

“What a peculiar family unit,” he said with a half-smile playing around his lips, “Ancient gnome. Gorgeous gnome. Towering goliath.”

Pike laughed again, but she was blushing as well. “It’s interesting, that’s for sure. What’s your family like? If you count those people you talked about before as siblings, that is.”

“Oh, well… Also varied, I suppose. A couple of half-elves. A human.”

Pike nodded understandingly. “Tall people.”

Scanlan laughed and nudged her. “Yeah, you have no idea how nice it is to talk to someone who’s on my level for once.”

“It makes you forget you’re small, doesn’t it?”

He grinned. “Sure does. Although I refuse that let my stature limit me in life.”

“Very admirable.”

“Well, you must understand, miss war cleric.”

“Fair enough,” she laughed.

He had to say, he really hadn’t expected his time aboard this ship to be quite this… pleasant. He was enjoying himself.

And as if Pike could read his mind, she said: “I know it’s mean, but I’m really glad you showed up, Scanlan.”

He smiled and shook his head at her. “No, no, I get it.”

Scanlan laid back on the one blanket they shared at night, his hands behind his head and his eyes closed. He was starting to get sleepy again – this glyph really took its toll on him.

“It’s been a long time since I made a friend,” he said.

Pike chuckled. “I can’t say the same. But I don’t think I had a friend like you before.”

The two of them looked at each other and then laughed a little. Pike came towards him and laid down beside him on the blanket.

“This whole situation is ridiculous,” she sighed.

“Tell me about it.”

She sighed once more. “We should go to sleep. If we wake up early there’s less chance that they’ll catch us while you’re making the circle.”

Scanlan nodded. “Yeah. And I’m ready to doze off again anyway.”

“Should I wake you up?”

“Yeah, that’s probably for the best. If I’m a bitch in the morning, I’m sorry. Not a morning person.”

“I’ll keep it in mind.”

She huddled up closer to him, laying her head on his chest. Scanlan brought down one of his arms so he could rest his hand on her shoulder. It wasn’t any less strange than the night before, laying here with her like this. It was still sort of miraculous, and it made him feel warm.

On the cold floor of the darkened ship, that was all he really needed.

[analogscum]

HARD ROCK ZOMBIES (1985, d. Krishna Shah)

NOTE: I RECOMMEND WATCHING HARD ROCK ZOMBIES BEFORE READING THIS REVIEW IF YOU WANT TO AVOID SPOILERS!

Human ambition is a funny thing. It can lead to great triumphs, but also great tragedies. Without human ambition, we would not have rock n’ roll, the most vital of American art forms. On the other hand, human ambition also lead the Third Reich to exterminate more than six million Jews, Catholics, homosexuals, physically and mentally handicapped, and Romani people. How does this tie in to today’s film, Hard Rock Zombies? Well, for now, let’s just say that it is a testament to both sides of the coin of human ambition that the sickos who made Hard Rock Zombies said to themselves, we’re going to make Hard Rock Zombies…and then actually went out and made Hard Rock Zombies. I’m honestly not sure if I mean that as a compliment or not.

We open on two metalheads riding a T-Bird convertible down a winding desert road. Lo and behold, they stumble upon a buh-buh-buh-baaaaabe hitchhiking. What are they gonna do, NOT invite this bodacious blonde into their sweet ride? We now cut to a dwarf with an eyepatch and a troll dancing around with a guy holding a camera by a river. You read that right. The metalheads and the blonde pull up on the other side of the river, strip down to their skivvies, and do a little skinny dipping. Suddenly, she drowns each of them one by one! And also does something else, because the water turns blood red, but I have no idea what that could be. The camera guy takes pictures of this gristly scene, while the dwarf and the troll celebrate the carnage. They chop off one of the victims’ hands, blondie picks it up and sings “I wanna hold your hand.” Again, you read all of that right.

Cut to: our heroes, the band, whom the movie never bothers to name (seriously, this band has no name), rockin’ out before a sold out crowd. Right away, we’re confronted with the major problem of all of these 80s metal horror movies: these guys just do not sufficiently rock. I mean, they have a synth player, for cryin’ out loud! This was not too long after Van Halen risked losing their metal fanbase by adding synths to “Jump,” because synths were pop, and pop was for pussies. But seriously, these guys make Billy Joel sound like Napalm Death. Oh well, at least the crowd of roughly 12 people seems to be having a good time.

Backstage, the band strip down to their banana hammocks, and their manager, Ron, tells them that they have to have their photos taken with a bunch of groupies. None of the dudes in the band, especially the lead singer, Jesse, seem to want to do this. They’re incredibly ambivalent about potentially sleeping with these women. Which of course is par for the course for 80s metal bands. Most of Motley Crue’s autobiography, The Dirt, is about the dudes politely sipping Earl Grey tea and discussing Nietzsche. We soon get an idea as to why Jesse is not interested in all of these women who want to ride his mullet, and believe me, you’re not gonna like it.

As he’s escaping all of these annoying women who wanna show him their boobs, Jesse runs into Cassie. Now, the movie is not entirely clear on how old Cassie is supposed to be, but let’s just say she’s young. Like, teenage. Like, below the age of consent. She warns Jesse to stay out of the town of Grand Guignol (subtle), where the band is scheduled to play the next night. Jesse instantly falls in love with her, because this movie hates you, and we’re treated to white hot, sexually charged flirting such as this:

Jessie: You're neat.

Cassie: No, I'm not.

Jessie: Yeah, ya are.

Cassie: ...shakes head...

Jessie: Yeah, ya are.

Guys, it’s rare that I make a point of writing down dialogue in these movies that we talk about, but Hard Rock Zombies left me with no choice but to slam that pause button and record some of these lines, because holy macaroni, peep this screenwriting magic:

“I got it from a book. You know, a boooooooook?”

“You guys ready for the show? The loud show? Loud music show? Rock and roll?!?!”

“Oh bullshit, young stupid!”

“You suck, mister! I know it and everyone knows it!”

Eat your heart out, Aaron Sorkin!

So the band arrives in Grand Guignol, and wouldn’t you know it, they pick up the same hitchhiking blonde, who invites them to stay at her family’s mansion. The family is pretty normal, you’ve got blondie, the photographer, the dwarf, the troll, the groundskeeper who, um, is that a Swastika armband he’s wearing, and grandma and grandpa, who speak in thick German accents and we meet them while they’re in the bone zone and the dwarf and the troll are watching them. Oh, and by the way, they’re secretly Adolf Hitler and Eva Braun, and Eva Braun is a werewolf. I PROMISE THAT ALL OF THIS IS TRUE.

As it turns out, everyone in Grand Guignol is a backwards rube who thinks that rock n’ roll is the devil’s music that will lead to “physical sex” (again, actual quote). So they get super duper outraged when the band engages in some antics that wouldn’t be out of place in an episode of The Monkees. They skateboard around, do silly dances, and mug for the camera. The sheriff throws them in jail, the town council cancels their concert, and outlaw all rock n’ roll in general, leading to a scene where everyone throws their records and tapes in a pile and destroys them (again, subtle).

Meanwhile, Jesse and Cassie keep running into each other and falling deeper and deeper in love, and the movie keeps rubbing our faces in their obvious age difference, because apparently the overt Nazi imagery wasn’t cringeworthy enough. Just wait until we get to the song he writes about her, because you’ll have to go to jail once you hear it. They practice at the creepy mansion, and the family tries to electrocute them. That doesn’t work, so instead they murder the band members one by one overnight. The drummer is stabbed in a terrible homage to the Psycho shower scene, the keyboardist is felled by werewolf Eva Braun, I don’t remember what happens to the guitarist, I think he falls out of a window or something, and Jesse is crucified and disembowled with a weed hacker by the groundskeeper. This means Hitler is finally ready to turn California into the fourth reich…here we go…no turning back…complete with gas chambers. Which come into play later. THIS IS ALL FROM A REAL MOVIE THAT ACTUALLY HAPPENED.

Luckily, before he croaked, Jesse gave Cassie a tape he made of a bass lick that can raise the dead. Look, just roll with me here, ok? You’ve made it this far. So Cassie plays the tape at the band’s grave, and they rise from the dead, ready to get revenge on Hitler and Eva Braun and co. In zombie form, they all sport weird mime makeup that kinda looks like KISS in the early days before they figured out their image, and they walk around as if they’re doing a combination of the robot and the Macarena. These are both choices that the filmmakers made. So they pretty much instantly murderize the Hitler clan with no problems, but whoops, they don’t stay dead for long, because now they’re zombies too, and they’re attacking all the hicks in town, which makes THEM zombies. Now we’ve got Nazi zombies and redneck zombies running around, which is not an ideal situation to say the least, but for now, the band have to go play their big gig.

This is where we finally get to hear Jesse’s love ballad to Cassie in it’s entirety, and, well, here it is…

“I’m so in love, but you’re so young.” BARF BARF BARF BARF ETERNAL BARF. Anyway, see ya in jail, which is where I live now because of this song!

I’m really loathe to talk about the rest of the movie, because at this point, it takes a turn into goofy comedy, and just completely falls flat. Not that their satirical bits about the PMRC and anti-metal hysteria were all that biting, but at least they were trying to say something, whereas these Zucker brothers-lite groaners are just insufferable. There’s a gag about a girlfriend who’s so possessive of her boyfriend that she won’t let any other women get near his severed head after a zombie rips it off, which the filmmakers obviously thought was beyond hilarious, but is really torturous. Then there’s an even less funny gag where some Pointdexter is like, hey, since zombies are brainless, they must be, like, allergic to brains? So if we all walk around with these giant cardboard cutout heads, they’ll leave us alone? Huh? And of course it doesn’t work, and of course the zombies just eat everybody, and as he’s being devoured, the Pointdexter yells, “Don’t believe everything you read!” Ugggh, read this: you suck, movie.

OK, there is one running gag from this section that I liked: after the troll becomes a zombie, he just eats his own body until he’s a burping skull. I happened to think that was charming and great.

Eventually the townsfolk try to sacrifice Cassie to the zombies, because they read that if the undead feast upon a virgin, then they’ll rest for another hundred years. Whatever. So Cassie is totally about to be gang banged and devoured by zombie Hitler and his gang (wow, what a sentence), when luckily the band shows up, and lures them away by playing that resurrection riff that Jesse learned from a book (you know, a booooooook?!?!) And where do they lure them? Ugh, sorry…here goes…they lure them to the gas chambers, where they’re all gassed to death. You know, like in the Holocaust? I have nothing more to say.

The film ends, in perfect fashion, by spelling co-writer/director Krishna Shah’s name wrong in the credits. Fantastic.

When a movie looks particularly bad, I often like to say that it reminds me of a fake movie meant to play in the background of a real movie. Well, as it turns out, that’s the actual origin story of Hard Rock Zombies. Originally, the film was supposed to be 20 minutes long and featured as the movie the characters in another Krishna Shah production, American Drive-In, go to see. Apparently Shah decided at some point that he could double his profits by turning Hard Rock Zombies into its own feature film. This begs the question: is this where all the Nazi stuff was added? Because it’s easy to imagine characters in a movie occasionally checking in with the drive-in movie and seeing a bunch of rockers rising from the grave, but that Hitler subplot is just so bizarre and so incongruous that I can’t help but think it was tacked on.

Hard Rock Zombies is the craziest film I’ve seen in awhile. It approaches Demonwarp and Spookies levels of what the hell am I watching madness. You genuinely will not be able to predict where this movie is gonna go from scene to scene. However, the tacked on nature of that madness keeps you at arms length a bit, and eventually it just becomes tiresome once you realize it’s not going anywhere beyond mere shock value. I mean, this movie is nearly an hour and forty minutes, and ends with a scene in a goddamn GAS CHAMBER. So, by all means, show this one to your friends, just don’t blame me if they never talk to you again. You may be right, they may be crazy, but in the end, it’s still rock n’ roll to me.

[wtfneopetss]

Masterpost of Padfoot’s OCs

This is long because I have a LOT of pets... So I’m gonna put it under a read more. Including their current customizations/any artwork associated with them. Going to group them by character storyline, starting with my one-offs. AKA not really developed characters set by themselves or with one or two other pets.

Stand Alones/No Real Character Development/Need to work on:

Amethystira aka Sis. Affectionately called my Queen of Bones. Sis was adopted as a baby xweetok and started being trained for the BD back when the obelisk was starting to be whispered about. She had a character along with some other baby pets I had but I scrapped them all but hers, adopted out the three other babies and morphed her into a pirate draik. Then I was sick of looking at her as a pirate draik so I painted her green. Then I realized I didn’t actually like draiks so I started zapping. Then the lab decreased a few of her stats. I didn't want to waste NP so I started fucking around in DTI and customized a Transparent Blum and decided I needed her. She’s also my booktastic books pet and will eventually be my gourmet pet. She doesn’t have an actual character yet, unfortunately. 

Current HSD: 1735 Currently training: Defence, supplementing with FQCs. Booktastic Books read: 138/161 JN Estimated Cost to Complete: 36,760,000 NP

Alaeri. I got Alaeri from Happy Zappers (idk if they even exist anymore, but they were like ZYDP) on April 4th 2013. I really love chocolate pets. Back when Neoschool was a thing here on the Neotag, Alaeri was a small part of it, but she doesn’t really have a character. Just that she’s a laid-back, outdoorsy lesbian. That’s literally it.

Efflie. I created Efflie 5 years ago and used an FFQ on her. I love aishas, I love chocolate pets. Her homepage is also home to the UC Trading Guide /~Efflie. She’s Alaeri’s girlfriend. But she’s more uptight and prissy. And that’s about it for her character.

Axella. I created a custom for a halloween guild challenge and fell so in love with it, I had to create her. I adopted Axella recently after seeing him UFA and shot off a quick NM app. He needs a gender change which I’m too lazy to send him to another account rn, but he’ll get it. Aside from that, no character at all.

Oracle Story Line

Oracle is being totally reworked right now. It was originally a storyline that I worked on with my friend Jezza who had a place called New Earth with her OCs. Oracle was founded by New Earth scientists on a planet far-yet sorta close by- and terraformed. Things went south in New Earth and all communication was cut off from Oracle. Oracle flourished for a quite some time and then had a crash in their stock market which prompted a civil war. When the dust cleared, Oracle was seized by the four remaining wealthiest families who promised to rebuild Oracle into her former glory. Unfortunately, they did not and they split Oracle into four quadrants to be headed by each family. Ravaged by the civil war and now basically a dictatorship with each quadrant ruled by a family, a rebellion begins to form by a group of the citizens, held up by two idealistic young adults. After nearly 30 years of fighting what seems to be a losing battle, these two adults are captured, tried for crimes against the land and executed. Their only child, a daughter who ran away in her teen years, is now called upon by the remaining rebels to become the new face of the resistance and give hope to the remaining members.

I’m reworking this with some friends to be set in a Neopian-centric land. I think what we’re going to do is make Oracle a province of Moltara, since it’s a steampunk post apocalyptic setting, and we’ll work in the Oracle lore with Neopia lore.

Drisit. I’ve had Drisit for longer than my 6 year old daughter has been alive. When I was pregnant with Lily, I got REALLY back into Neopets. I used to frequent the gifting boards back then (they were a lot different than they are now) and at the time, I really liked white xweetoks. So a user, who’s UN I still remember, gifted me Drisit. (I was able to later repay her by gifting her a female rb draik) Drisit is the pet that inspired me to create neo OCs and start doing art of my pets.

Drisit is the daughter of the fallen rebel leaders. As a child, she was trained in fighting by her father and in advanced military tactics by her mother. They groomed her essentially to take over the rebellion when she was old enough. Resisting their demands, Drisit ran away at sixteen years old. She survived on the streets, but just barely. For the poor, Oracle is a very hard place to live. But it gave her street smarts, sharpened her reaction time and many other things. After hearing of her parents death, Drisit returns to her childhood home to find it vacant. After a few days of staying there, mourning, the rebels made contact with her, asking her to return, to be the new face of the rebellion. Conflicted about it, Drisit does return and quickly finds herself as the head of the rebellion.

Symblor. I adopted Symblor from an UFQA board. She’s getting a complete customization overhaul. Depending on how the steampunk aisha looks, she may get that or she may just be painted silver. 

Symblor is Drisit’s right hand woman. She was sold by her parents to a group of bandits at a young age for drug money. After being put through many many horrors she was found by Drisit’s father near death. Drisit’s father was able to essentially keep her alive by turning her into a cyborg. The government that rules Oracle has outlawed cybernetic enhancements so it’s very hard for her to find replacement parts when her rudimentary parts given by Drisit’s father start to fail. She’s terrified of being caught, tried for treason and executed, so she’s mostly behind the scenes. Very intelligent and cunning, Symblor devises most of the rebel attacks/missions. She’s the one who contacted Drisit after her parents death and the two became quick friends. She’s a few years younger than Drisit.

V5S aka V. V was another UFQA acquisition. I love chocolate pets a lot. They’re fun to draw :3

V was an orphan found as a young child by an elderly couple who owned a bakery in Oracle. The bakery was passed down through the family and was once very prosperous many many years ago. Now, however, it is quite run down although V still provides treats when she can through illicit means (stealing stuff so she doesn’t always sell stale bread lawls) V is quite the risk taker and mostly uses her bakery as a front for the rebels to have meetings in her basement. She’s also the one in contact with Ave’s palace being the go between with Ave and Drisit (more on Ave later). She’s also skilled in medicine and often patches up the rebels after a skirmish. Her character needs much development however.

messr_m00ny aka Moony. I created Moony before the conversions. He was always destined to be a werelupe like his namesake, Remus Lupin. I took a hiatus before conversions and came back and unfortunately, had not painted him before then. Eventually I just sucked it up, despite preferring the UC version and made him into the werelupe he was always meant to be.

Moony is one half of a bandit duo. He’s the talkative, charming one. Growing up on the outskirts near the roughest part of Oracle, he had to steal and conive to survive. Although he has a way with the ladies, often seducing them for information, he is indeed very gay. Depending on how steampunk lupes look, he may get a repaint. Unsure.

Trelm was a stuck pet. I adopted him and painted him Stealthy myself. He’s the second half of the bandit duo and Moony partner, both in crime and romantically.

Trelm used to be a wisecracking, never serious, always jolly type. Despite having it hard growing up, he tried to hold onto a positive outlook. He and Moony found each other as young teens, orphans who grew up on the streets of Oracle. The two were always out for adventure, getting into scraps and fights, stealing, all sorts of illicit things to survive. And they were fairly good at it as well.

Until they met with the wrong group of raiders. After a fight that they nearly lost, Trelm had his throat cut and vocal chords severed. With some quick thinking, Moony got his partner to the bakery he had heard of where the  owner was able to save lives. After this, Moony decided for the two of them they were done with their banditry ways and were talked into joining the rebels by V. Trelm is now mute. He’s petpage also hosts the UC/BD trading guide, /~Trelm.

Iramkayim aka Iram. Iram is a funny story. A long long time ago, I came up with a character set in Oracle for an UC Grey Lupe that I was applying for. The owner eventually disappeared and I still stalked the Lupe for years. I saw him on a new account and apparently, the old owner had returned and traded at some point. Into a permanent home *sad face*

So a few months ago, I happened across a user adopting out their UCs. It was the lupes owner! He wasn't one of the ones that were UFA but I mailed the owner and told her I had applied for him and was wondering if she would be willing to trade. Instead, she offered to let me adopt! I was over the fucking moon. I had loved and watched this lupe afar for six or seven years.

Well. Long story short, he was from a compromised account, TNT reversed the adoption and the real owner got him back. Which is bittersweet. I’m glad she got her accounts/pets back, but he was once again in a permanent home.

So I started rethinking things. The character I made was very tragic, which is why I wanted an UC Grey Lupe. They are sad. But then, after thinking about it, while his character is tragic he’s ready to fight. Mostly because of revenge. So I decided on an UC Mutant Lupe cos they’re designs are fucking awesome.

So meet Lieutenant Iram Kayim. Iram grew up in the worst place of Oracle with poor excuses for parents. He fought throughout his life, always in some sort of trouble and as he got older, spending nights in jail. He was ruthless. Catching the eyes of some government officials, he was eventually drafted into their military. Quickly rising through the ranks, eventually, Iram becomes one of the inner circles most trust, often tasked with dangerous and immoral tasks.

Until he meets a young woman, the daughter of a man in the government. Iram falls in love with her, who softens his heart and makes him rethink his cruel ways. Eventually, they have a child, a daughter. Unbeknownst to Iram, his wife is secretly involved with the rebellion, a close confidante to Drisit and before her, her parents. She is able to give them information she learns through her father and Iram. One night she sneaks off to be a part of a raid, her daughter following closely behind her. She dies and Drisit finds Brenna, their daughter, crying over her mother's body. Trying to escape with Brenna in her arms, the two are shot and Brenna dies. Iram finds out the next day at work and immediately goes into a rage, and after inflicting some damage on one of his coworkers, quits his job.

He begins to drink his life away, living in the house, haunted by the ghosts of his wife and daughter until one day, Drisit shows up and offers him a proposal he can't refuse. Fueled by revenge, Iram becomes a soldier for the rebellion and eventually, he and Drisit fall in love.

CountessAvenge aka Countess Avenge aka The Countess aka Ave. Ave was my longest goal on Neo. It took me many years of trading to finally achieve her.

Ave is the daughter of one of the four families. She grew up not knowing the plight of the Oracle people. In fact, the only time she ever ventured beyond the castle gates was the day of her wedding. She was entered into a prearranged marriage to the leader of one of the four families. After the wedding took place in Ave’s castle, she journyed by carriage to her husbands palace and her heart broke at seeing her fellow citizens as she traveled across the land.

Once she reached her destination, Ave vowed to somehow, someway, change circumstances for her citizens. End their poverty stricken lives and give them and their children a future. Little did she know her new husband was a cruel man who delighted in his power. Growing depressed, Ave thought of ending her life since, as far as she could tell, she would not be able to help her people. Until she meets V, who is delivering some baked goods to the castle once a month. After talking in secret, V convinces Ave to supply the rebels with invaulable information.

Ave is the reason I am reworking Oracles storyline to be included in Neopia. Eventually, she meets Elle. Elle is the character my friend Coral has for an UC RG Kyrii she hopes to own one day. The two fall in love and carry out a secret relationship. Since the story is being reworked, I don’t have much info on the two yet, but they are hands down my OTP.

Twins of Shenkuu (and other characters)

These characters are based in Neopia and are RP’d with two of my friends and their characters. We’re working on getting a hub up at some point. There are actually two character groups involved in this, the Twins being the first.

Juni_Kava aka Juni. Juni was the crown princess of Shenkuu. Her father is Princess Lunara’s brother. We’re still working on the lore. She’s the only daughter with six brothers, one being her twin. Chase is the stand-in name for her twin, an UC Fae Wocky that my friend Gromit hopes to have one day.

Juni was born with a magical ability to influence air/mist. She was in line for the crown, along with her twin. Juni always followed her parents instructions, excelling at anything she tried. It was always thought she would become the next Queen. 

Until one day she is approached by the Moon Pheonix, a legendary creature that many stories were told of. However, everyone chalks the Moon Pheonix up to just that, a legend. Kyukuon (an UC Fae Pteri owned by my friend Coral) is the Moon Pheonix, charged with being a protector of sorts. It seems the Guardian of Shenkuu, another creature thought to be that of legend, is dying and Kyu has been tasked with finding the next Guardian. Unbeknownst to the twins, they have been observed in secret for quite some time by Jo, (UC Fae Xwee owned by Gromit) who is Kyu’s apprentice. When the time comes, Kyu makes contact with Juni and explains the situation to her, explaining that she is destined to be the next guardian. Fashioning a secret gateway between realms that will connect Juni to the castle and her family, Kyu convinces Juni to come with her to begin her training, leaving her brothers to vy between themselves for the throne.

AdaWong aka Ada. For generations, Ada’s family is one of the families tasked with protecting the Queen and King of Shenkuu, along with their descendants. Her mother and father are the current guards to the King and Queen and Ada was born at the same time as Juni. Growing up as best friends, Ada’s destiny was always been that she would become Juni’s protector. Eventually being sent off in her teenage years to begin her training, to a very very secret place, Ada and Juni are devastated to be separated. Secretly, they were in love but knew they could never be together due to Juni’s responsibility to the throne and the inevitable marriage and children she would eventually be expected to produce.

When Ada returns to the palace, she finds her friend gone and must make the decision, should she stay and become the protector of whichever brother inherits the throne, or follow her true love into an unknown adventure. Ada’s character has much to be worked on, but I think it’s a no-brainer what she chooses to do.

KittyRTM aka Katrina Rose aka Kitty. Kitty was born into a well-respected, but slightly lesser noble family. The family was known worldwide for providing some of the best produce from Faerieland, but they were most famous for their position in working alongside and assisting Queen Fyora. They were growing strong in Faerieland and were accumulating power through both their high ranking position with Fyora, and their thriving industry, but when Faire's father unexpectedly passed, things changed for the worse for Kitty and her family. Faire's mother had to sell their many farms to keep the pride of the family, the High Garden Estate, secure within the family.

There is quite a lot going on with Kitty’s family and it’s waaay to much to type up here. But if you’d like to know more, I’m currently in the process of changing my former project page for an UC Fae Aisha into her actual character page located on /~KittyRTM. I am very much in love with her character.

The Supernaturals

These pets also cross over into the Twins storyline and are RP’d with Coral and Gromit. They arent as prominent as the above characters and are also their own stand alone group. Many of them need character development.

Stariea aka Star. Star was an apprentice of Sophie the Swamp Witch when she was young and also worked for a time under Jhudora. She ties into the above characters through Sil and Jess (an UC Dari Eyrie and an UC Dari Lupe) that are owned by my friend Coral. 

Star is an exceptionally talented sorceress. She is feared by many, but instead of actually being malicious, she’s moreso out for herself than anyone else. After leaving Jhudora due to a disagreement, Star greatly dislikes the dark faerie and will do whatever she can to disrupt or irritate her. She still has a good working relationship with Sophie, however. Star is accompanied by Bonnie and Clyde, her bearclops. Bonnie was a meowclops and Clyde was a bearog. After an experiment gone wrong, they were fused together. They’re about the size of Jhudora’s pets, Daisy and Sarah. 

She is also accompanied by Bernard, a swamp ghoul she picked up on her travels. Bernard is not his real name, Star doesn’t know it. Although she treats him as a lowly assistant, he is quite terrifying in his own right, but he sticks with Star because she’s one of the few he’s crossed paths with that doesn’t run screaming from him on sight.

Falxo is a necromancer who was captured by Jhudora with the hopes that she would learn his magic. Disfigured due to her many experiments, since he wouldn’t just give up the information, Falxo and Star became close when she worked under Jhudora and Falxo was her prisoner. In fact, Falxo (alone with Sil and Jess, although Star doesn’t like Jess) was the reason Star rebelled against her teacher. Helping the three escape, Falxo opted to stay with Star. He’s somewhat silent and keeps to himself. The two are in a relationship and enjoy learning from one another. His character needs to be worked on as well.

Morovo aka Oro. Oro is akin to a crossroads demon. She’s able to make deals, promising fame and fortune to those that summon her. All she asks in return is something very simple, their soul. She meets Star when she’s summoned during an experiment Star and Falxo are attempting. Her character also needs heavy work.

Solariasae aka Solar. Solar is a young, clumsy witch who hounds Star to take her on as an apprentice. Her character will most likely be further developed based on what happens after The Wraith Resurgance. 

tocanini aka Toci. Toci is a druid who strives to protect all life. That’s literally all I have for her. Sorry Toci. We’ll work on you, I promise.

Spiritox aka Spirit. Yea Idk about him. He’s bad. But that’s all I got. Does magic. Or something. 

Liliaise aka Lili. She summons stuff. Idk anything else. Just that shes gonna be involved with all the above pets. 

Ryzzal and his partner Trikil (more on her next) are also tied into the Twins and Supernaturals through my friend coral’s pirate eyrie, Izi. Ryzzal ran away at a young age from his fathers home due to fear. He’s biologically male but is nonbinary. Fearing his father would find out, Ry left home. Eventually he ends up on Krawk Island, securing a job as a wench that serves the Food Club. He’s the prettiest girl in the room and has a slight fear of being found out to be male, but is generally accepted. Flirting around with the pirates, Ry loves his life. He still needs much development and I’ve never had a nonbinary character, so please don’t crucify me if I write him wrong. I’m always looking to learn more and happy to take critiques and suggestions!

Trikil aka Trikky aka Trik. Trik is an adventurous pirate who is always on the lookout for new treasure and adventure. She’s a regular on Krawk Island, especially since she met her partner Ryzzal, after frequenting the Food Club for fun and drinks. Although she isn’t always around, she has come to call Krawk Island home and looks foward to returning just as much as she looks forward to engaging on her next adventure. Sometimes alone, sometimes with friends. Her character also needs work.

The Space Explorers

These two are completely on their own, not touching any of my other pets. I do have a slight work around with @grobleen’s character, Cregan and some interaction with my friend Shanna’s space based pets. If you have spaced based pets, get at me! I’d love to expand this to include your pets as well!

Nirohean aka Niro. Niro is a fun loving bounty huntress. She can either be found bebopping around space looking for her next bounty, or stopping in on a nearby planet looking for the next party. She’s talented at her job, but loves having fun as well. She takes bounties that are interesting to her and isn’t ALWAYS on the side of the law, although she tries to be. She’s accompanied by her childhood best friend and pilot, Criliu and her Mechanized Laboratory Assistant Ridgewell that Criliu built for her. Ridgewell is a mixture between Portal 2s Wheatley and Fallout 4′s Cogsworth.

Criliu aka Cri. Cri is Niro’s best friend and pilots her ship. He’s a huge tech nerd and helps Niro with her bounties often by hacking into things and getting her information that other bounty hunters aren’t privy to. While Niro is an extrovert, Cri prefers to be alone with his ship and his gadgets. He’s secretly in love with Niro, but doesn’t know how to tell her.

Exhales Whew. That’s a lot of OCs. A lot of them need a lot of work. But I’m always open to friendships/relationships with other people’s OCs. Feel free to ask questions or whatever else with any of these babs!