#screaming about my sex life

[the-mocking-robin]

Fuck me, I thought one of the kids found this blog.

[lovesodeepandwideandwell]

Besties give me a diplomatic phrasing to communicate "if I leave for the evening and tell you roughly when I'll be back and text 20 minutes before I'm home on your request, please be done having screaming sex by the time I'm home"

[yourgamemasterthewhiterabbit]

Both my parents actually suffer from HORRID emotional dysregulation and are prone to snapping and going into rages. My sister is the same way tbh. I am now realizing this is why they are constantly baffled by the question of whether or not I am mad at them.

I don't have external meltdowns.

I could. I don't let it happen.

I keep my rage on the inside and stay pretty quiet about it. It's just as strong as theirs [physically shaking nose bleed from high blood pressure kind of bad], but like as a kid I saw how terrifying it was to be around [dad breaking dishes, mom putting our lawn chairs into walls] and I just internalized that I wasn't going to wear that anger on the outside.

So my mother genuinely cannot tell if I am just being quiet or if I am silently hearing the dial-up noises of pure rage. This has lead her to both making strong and confident statements like "You are a pacifist who would never hurt a fly U.U" but also acting like I am secretly dangerous maybe... It's because she has never seen me snap.

She knows what her temper is like [throwing chairs through walls], she knows what my father's temper is like [pick up child and toss out door], and she can tell I am being tested, but she doesn't know what happens when I snap or where that breaking point is.

Her -perhaps unhinged- solution to this, my whole life, has been to do things that should obviously enrage me or shut me down completely, like ignoring important boundaries, repeatedly, punishing me for expressing emotions or needs at all, etc... And then to constantly ask me if I am angry with her when I get too quiet [right after near directly telling me to shut up].

It has occurred to me now, they have never once seen me lose my temper, so they literally just can't tell if I am angry at them. My sister is easy, my mother fights and screams with my sister constantly, my mother understands this. My mother doesn't have any grasp of feelings or boundaries that are not screamed at her [apparently, and I fear my sister is the same way]. Her and my sister are close despite constant fucking fighting because they understand each other.

They are trying to get me to engage the same way and it is not working. I realize now that this has been hard for them.

I was so successfully taught to suppress my emotions, by being punished for any outburst, that rage quiet looks the same as any other kind of quiet from the outside. To them anyway.

I did tell her. For the record. I used my words. I did tell her very calmly that my response to rage, in order to avoid doing the things that terrified me as a child, was to simply leave [the autistic urge to GTFO]. When a situation or person causes too much of the dial-up rage noise, I simply extract myself from that situation, up to and including never speaking to a person again. I explained this calmly. I explained it calmly 100 times and I explained that I explain myself calmly as my rage response 1-5 [also pretty much every other negative emotion tbh], and I told her that what came next was me simply opting out and fucking off. I told her this. I couldn't understand why she never took me seriously, or why she never fucking understood.

I couldn't understand what made her like this.

But it's the same problem I have with everyone else multiplied by a factor of 10.

If I am explaining myself calmly, they can't understand that it's actually serious or that I am actually upset. ESPECIALLY because they read me as "female" and women "aren't that rational" so if I am not screaming and crying about something, which I never do, people assume I can't be upset and it isn't serious.

And then after having my boundaries ignored too many times despite having calmly explained how and why it's a problem [shaking inside or not]... I leave. I leave and everyone gets upset like this is unexpected behaviour, even though I told them 50 times that is how I would respond if they kept doing *the thing.*

And for neurotypical people especially, they are expecting there to be a disconnect between what someone says they need or feel and what their actually boundaries and feelings are, and they expect the latter to be demonstrated with emotions. Telling them bluntly you do not function that way somehow never helps?

My mother isn't just looking for normal yelling or a few tears to know I am serious, whether or not I do those either [I don't], she's looking for an explosion to know there's a problem at all.

Fucked if I know how she proceeds through life this way in general or if this is just her expectation of her own kids???

And I couldn't get why my mother couldn't read my emotions and didn't seem to think I have any. It's because she's testing for the rage limit to see where my 'actual' limit is instead of taking my word for it. Never the fuck mind that she could simply *not* test at my boundaries instead of letting me have them. Separate issue.

I couldn't figure out what made her *like this*

She's expecting me to throw a giant meltdown violent tantrum at people when I have 'actually' had enough. Maybe she got away with those being like 5'4" in another time, but I am the size of the average man, I do not get to have giant screaming rages, whether or not people perceive me consciously as a woman, and least of all because a lot of people -at least unconsciously- read me as 'masculine' or at least always "they guy" of the situation compared to all other women and some men [bigger stronger and more rational, more able to just absorb the damage and let it go so the less rational screaming/crying one doesn't have to be dealt with]. Even if it was in me to be willing to terrify people [usually never], there are such limited instances where it wouldn't just blow back on me. Potentially very dangerously.

I am going to be the quiet calm one. You are going to have to let me use my words, bitch.

So she kept ignoring my boundaries until I had to cut her out of my life, and she probably doesn't understand and probably thinks it feels sudden -after 36 long years of bullshit- abrupt and unfair.

But I told her hundreds of times.

I probably should have just screamed at her.

[yujeong]

Pete didn't realize he was holding his breath until Vegas slightly moved in front of him. He was too focused on what was in Vegas' hands, stretched in his direction for Pete to apparently take.

A gift, Vegas called it. Pete couldn't understand.

"Vegas. What are those?"

It was a stupid question to ask, but Pete couldn't help it.

Vegas' grip tightened around the bouquet. "Isn't it obvious? Flowers," he replied hastily, the pitch of his voice higher than normal. "Do you not like them?"

He was nervous. On edge. It explained some things, but not everything. Pete had to know. He had to figure out what was going on.

"Did something happen at the compound?"

Vegas had been at a meeting with Porsche all evening. He had seemed fine upon returning home, but then he suddenly interrupted Pete who had been washing the dishes and pulled out a bouquet of yellow roses from his backpack and he offered them to him with a warm smile on his face, somehow expecting Pete to not grow suspicious of the gesture.

"Why do you think something happened at the compound?" Vegas asked and his tone of voice made Pete finally raise his head to look at him.

Vegas looked hurt. His eyes were glassy, his breathing uneven. He was going to cry soon if this conversation continued. Pete didn't want that.

"I... just... Vegas, we can go to our bedroom if you want-"

"Fuck, Pete, it's not about that," Vegas groaned and threw the bouquet on the dinner table. He ruffled his hair harshly and muttered something Pete didn't hear. Probably calling himself a failure, as always.

"Has nobody ever given you a present before?" he shouted two seconds later, returning his attention to Pete, who could feel his eyebrows furrowing as he was staring back at him.

All Pete could do at the moment was utter the first thing that came to his mind.

"No? Why would they need to?"

Seeing the change in Vegas' demeanor made Pete come to a second realization then; that was the wrong answer to give.

[scarysanctuary]

"Bridget you're a widow--"

[X]

[covenofthearticulate]

happy pride, if I see one more rainbow colored gifset of sam’s ass i’m gonna commit atrocities

[tbcanary]

saw a tweet literally two weeks ago about how dinahbabs isn’t real bc it’s “all based on one panel taken out of context” and “dinah married Ollie like seven times” and i legitimately honestly haven’t stopped thinking about it since. girl I don’t know how to tell you this but that one panel can easily be read as a culmination of many years of subtext, and Ollie was literally dead at the time. also dinah can literally do what she wants. hope this helps!

[icelogged]

WHEN IT’S COLD

AND THE WORLD ENDS

I WANNA BE HIGH [literally straight edge]

[thekittyburger]

My dad's just said I'm going to struggle to find a partner that will love me if I don't want to have sex?? 😀👍

[jupitersflytrap]

I like to play this fun little game in my notifications trying to guess what post the added tags are reblogged to and lemme tell you without the post itself bestie these tags are so concerningly funny like WHAT are you doing

and then I click it to see the post and it's like. well ok. yeah

AHAHAH i didn’t even REALISE how sinister that sounded out of context. i am for real just out here saying things, all the time.

[skyllion-uwu]

Good lird the scientist and eir fucked up lab experiment are kissing with tongue as they lay on the ground bleeding out together. Maybe doing more.

[wonder-bread]

i hate medical treatments (expensive) that put my body in the control of other people and then end up with results that are basically equally bad as when we started

[consult-sherlockholmes]

Do you enjoy sex?

Really? That is your question right now? Not noticing anything going on at the moment? I am having a domestic, go away.

[evisxerate]

Ppl on Tumblr will really sit here and act like sexuality can't actively be flexible or change over time. like okay lmfao

[slithymomerath]

Does anyone have advice for buying a strap-on? I’ve never bought one before. Is it better to go to an in-person store or online? Are there brands that are known to be good quality? I like gathering opinions on Tumblr, but it won’t let me search for nsfw terms like “strap-on advice”. If y’all have any mutuals who might have advice about this, it’d be awesome if you could tag them or direct me to their blog.

[somnolent-scout]

So uhh.. as everyone has probably noticed, I have not been feeling well lately.

Alongside being mentally unstable thanks to the various internet disasters I've been shoved into, I've been feeling very physically sick. For the past three days, I've woken up with a sick stomach and extreme queasiness. I have yet to actually lose it, but it certainly feels like shit. My throat has been sore, scratchy, and has a weird waste taste to it. My vertigo has increased with zero explanation or cause. I also recently popped (possibly dislocated) my hip while trying to use the restroom. My head and body have been overheating, but no fever has been recorded. I can't seem to drink a whole lot of water either. I don't know what's wrong with me.

My symptoms have only worsened over the past few days, and they have yet to come to a peak or settle down at all. I don't know what to even test for at this point. I don't have a fever or loss of smell. It's not COVID-19.

Idk