#scared to be vulnerable. thats always all it boils down to

[arc-archernar]

more than anything...

[thecirculararchive]

Hi, i'm a questioning system. Your blog seems safe enough; i've never seen you attacking people on either side of the argument or being disrespectful. If these experiences i'm (we're?) having do turn out to be those of a system, it'd be a traumagenic system (i'm already working on getting a therapist).

Seeing as i'm still not 100% sure about being a system i try to stay in my lane and not interact with system stuff in case i'm a singlet in the end. But i do have one burning question and your blog seemed the most peaceful, less violent one i find occasionally in the syscourse tag.

I've seen a lot of anti-endo rhetoric and i see why (misinformation, ableism, etc). Again i'm not here to spark, or leave my two cents on syscourse because i like staying in my lane. My question is i've often seen the claim that system hopping is abusive. I'm not questioning it in the slightest, as it isn't my place to do so; but i've searched and i can't seem to find why or how it is abusive.

If you know, would you mind clearing that up for me please? Thank you for your time, have a nice day.

Hey Anon! I’m glad I’m a safe place for you. I try my best, even though I get angry sometimes.

I’ll be honest, I don’t know as much about system hopping. It’s so ludicrous to me, I never looked into it much. But let’s see if I can’t work this out:

System hopping is the claim that your alters can hop into someone else’s brain, and Vice versa. This is obviously not possible. More likely, an alter from another system was introjected into a factive - an alter who is the same as another person you know.

I don’t think System Hopping is inherently abusive, given that… what it really is is the introjection of alters. What I think is actually happening here is people are boiling an important idea down to “system hopping is abusive”:

“System Hopping as a concept is not inherently abusive, but the tactics of those who believe it often are” would be more accurate.

I’ve never talked with a so-called system hopper before, but I’ve been manipulated before. I can easily imagine someone claiming their alters can hop into other people’s heads. Actually- let’s get specific.

One of the biggest abusers in my life, whom we lovingly (/j) call That Bitch, claimed to have DID (in less words - essentially told me all the voices in my head were normal, and she knew this because she had them too and wrote in different handwriting too). Just saying that much to me, she immediately turned it around to “we’re so similar - proof that we should be together.”

See how that’s wrong? But at the time, I was young and vulnerable. I was scared, because I felt insane, and she was the very first person I could talk to. She was the very first person who *understood* (or seemed to). And she immediately pulled me in more, tighter, and refused to let go.

That Bitch manipulated us into places we didn’t want to be. Now, I’m imagining what would’ve happened if I introjected one of her alters - she did name one Andy. Let’s say I had Andy:

1. I would’ve freaked out and gone to her.

2. Let’s say she said it was system hopping.

3. “Now I’m always with you :)”

See how this could easily aid an already abusive relationship?

I think THATs what people are focusing on when they call system hopping abusive. I’d love to hear other takes though! I’m sorry that wasn’t the clearest anon. Good luck :)

[cottoncandyjester]

My toy (yandere Sugawara x male reader)

Prompt: a boys night out landed with the karasuno boys hanging at a perverted adult host club, with you being their host for the night but suga doesn't like the attention it's giving you

This story contains: toxic yandere behavior, sprinkle of degrading, male reader in knee high socks and panties, anal sex, timeskip sugawara

Sugawara watched as you bent over daichi's lap wiggling your ass before looking back at the dark haired male seeing his face fluster as he watched you, your skirt rising up and exposing your pretty pink panties.

Suga wasn't sure they chose a place like this to hang out, maybe it was cause of the drinks or the cute boys but seeing you behave in such a way to someone other than him made him want to bash daichi's stupid head in.

They could have chose any club but nope they had to go the one you worked at, you were his and his old teammates were just drooling as you laid across the male's lap talking to hinata who was busy feeding you pocky since you didn't mind too much and touching like this was allowed as long as you were alright with it.

Sugawara knew exactly what this place was, the familiar smell of sweetness made his head spin as memories of coming here after a hard day of work flooded him, he met you here and fell in love as soon as he ssaw you. Your theme was that you crossdressed and was the most physical host here when it came to clients.

Sugawara could remember all those soft kisses you would plant on his cheeks as you sat in his lap, he never saw you kiss any other clients so it was obvious you like him the most. Even if you didn't it didn't matter cause in his eyes you were all his, this was making his blood boil!

"hey [y/n], can you sit in my lap next? I'm feeling neglected over here!"

Nishinoya's loud voice made suga flinch as he watched you move from daichi now walking over and plopping down in nishinoya's lap feeling his arms wrap around your waist and his hands played with those frilly knee high socks you wore, his fingers trailing around the fabric as you struck up a conversation with yamaguchi now who was just sprouting compliment after compliment.

Stop it. They are mine, so back the fuck up.

I found them first

Back the hell up!

Suga's thoughts on a his brain and he shot up fast when he saw you plan a kiss onto nishinoya's cheek causing him to blush and grin widely.

Sugawara's breathing became heavy as he watched your expression turn to confusion and he tried to relax himself before he did something stupid, with a shaky laugh the male rubbed the back of his neck as he innocently smiled your way.

"sorry, can you show me to the bathroom? Sorry again for bothering you"

"hm? It's fine, follow me"

You hopped up and walked towards the back soon walking to the male bathroom but you were not expecting to be yanked inside but before you can sfream suga slammed you against the wall his hand covering your mouth.

"you're so rude, y'know? Cheating is such a bad trait"

Suga uncovered your mouth his hands now busy throwing your shirt and skirt off your body as you tried to push him away with a shaky breath. You were confused, scared, and disturbed all rolled into one but the look in suga's eyes told you he was serious

"c-cheat? What are you talking about?"

"we both know you're mine, yet you act like a slut with the others? Did you want to fuck them or something?! How disgusting"

That sugary sweet tone suga normally uses was gone and replaced with a tone only described as rage and disgust. All those months of being an angel to you and this is how you repay him?

He honestly didn't want to be sweet anymore since that clearly wasn't working, suga yanked you away from the wall now dragging you by your hair to the sink and he forced you to bend off his eyes landing on your panties.

"you always dress so cute like a little doll, I don't want anyone else to see you like this, guess you'll have to quit your job. I hated the fact that you worked here anyways, if you needed attention you can come to me"

"b-but we aren't da- Ah!"

Your words turned Into a shocked moan as suga slapped your ass watching it start to redden as his slid your underwear down, he licked two of his fingers before shoving one inside of you with a low hum.

"I could be so sweet to you, a true sweetheart but you have to do everything I say baby. After all, why would you ever need to work when I could provide for you?"

His sweet tone returned as he leaned in close his chest against your back and his mouth hot against your ear while he pumped his finger in and out of your tight asshole, your small moans making him even harder than he already was.

"when i first saw you, I thought you were so beautiful. You were wearing that white dress and cute heels, you looked like an angel. We talked for hours and I was then that I wanted you, it was impossible to not follow you outside of work to see if you are the same and it's amazing how vulnerable you are, like a frail baby"

Suga's voice was getting more and more excited as he spoke, he shoved his second finger inside of you making sure to kiss your neck when you gasped and whined from his forceful touch.

"shhhh, I'm speaking don't be a rude boy. As I was saying, you were absolutely perfect. I thought of so many different ways to make you mine, I was going to do it tonight but things turned out to be different. thats okay, cause you're mine now and I'll prove that to them don't worry"

Your mind was starting to zone his words out but the feeling of his fingers pulling back and the sound of him unbuckling his pants made you tense up as you now struggled only for suga to reach out and grip your waist with one arm tightly, as he lined his throbbing cock up with youe hole he could hear your tiny whimpers.

"aw are you nervous baby? Is it your first time? What a sweetie! It's okay, I'll try to not make it hurt but I can't promise that"

"p-please.. we can't do-"

Suga cut out off by moving his hand around your waist to touch your hard cock, he smiled against your neck as he slowly pushed himself inside you with a shaky breathing.

"you shouldn't complain about this when you're just as hard as I am, you love it so much I can feel your precum just oozing out of your tip, after all it's natural for lovers to make sweet love even if it's in public"

As suga started to move in and out of you, your complaints and pleas for him to stop slowly transformed into moans and begging for him to keep going, this was so wrong but you found yourself filled with pleasure as suga slammed his cock deep into your hole hitting your prostate to the point where you were seeing stars.

"a-ah! Please s-sugawara! Harder!"

"ngh, baby it's koushi, say my name we're lovers now after all"

You ignored his lovers comment since you just wanted him to keep going so you decided to just play along, moaning his name to the point where he snapped.

Hearing you mewl out his name like that only proved that you were in fact his so he couldn't help but grip your hips now mercilessly slamming in and out of you before his mouth found its way digging into your neck.

"g-going to cum! Please! Ahhh don't stop!"

Your cute pleas was music to suga's ears and he knew he couldn't stop even if he wanted to, this was way too good for him and his head was blanking as he felt his own climax building up.

"fuck- baby I'm going to cum inside, yeah you want me to do that! You want me to fill you up like the slutty boy you are"

Your eyes rolled back and drool rolled down your cheek as your moans became loud cries and before you know it both you and suga cummed, you could feel your ass being filled with hot cum as you bucked your hips and cummed both in the floor and yourself.

The room soon filled with heavy breathing as suga pulled out and simply slid your panties back up making sure not a drip of cum spilled out. He turned you around before trapping you into his arms with his eyes locking with yours as his tine became low

"we are going to go back out there and you are going to stay in my lap, give me all your attention. After it's time to go you'll be coming home with me, you are my boyfriend after all so it's normal okay?"

A feeling of dread filled you as you stared into suga's dark and serious eyes but his chsrming smile for some reason was the thing that terrified you the most.

[sepublic]

You know how the blights have such control over amity's social life and as you speculate the twins. What if thats why Em doesn't want to be stuck with ed forever. Because he's still a blight and though doesn't expect her to act all proper like their parents, he expects her to be the leader and charming and all that all the time. LIke a famous theatre song-"All that I ask forIs one little corner..

The song said, "All that I ask forIs one little corner. One private room at the back of my heart. Tell her I found one. She sends out battalions to claim it and blow it apart." Like she thinks she doesn't know who she is because she has all these illusion facades of who she is. The perfect child to her parents. The leader sister to her twin. The charming popular blight to the school etc.

-

           I completely agree with this sentiment! I get the sense that Emira is afraid that her connection with Edric is low-key tying her down… Or at least she’s not truly exploring her identity and individuality, amidst everyone else –and maybe even herself- seeing Emira more as one of the Blight Twins, the other half to Edric, rather than her own person. And I can see that creating a rift between Emira and Edric… Because she likes Edric, but she’s so scared of not being her own person that she ends up going out of her way to avoid him, because Emira thinks that cutting ties is necessary in order to be her own person.

          One might say it’s a dark parallel to how Eda and Lilith drifted apart, how Eda prized her own individuality, but ended up being alone and reclusive until Luz came along. It’s that recurring assumption that in order to be yourself, you have to break away from others… And, I could write about how the Coven System’s ultimatum, black-and-white way of viewing conformity as indicative of that, and possibly playing a role in Emira’s fault belief.

           And while I don’t necessarily think Edric expects Emira to be a leader in a sense, nor charming… He does expect her to be there for him, because that’s how it also was, vice-versa. It was a mutual co-dependency that’s being complicated by the fact that Emira wants out of it, yet she and Edric both agreed to it in the first place; Probably because they were literally lonely kids who had no idea what this sort of interaction would entail for them in the future. I imagine Edric expects the two of them to always be side-by-side, and his potential awareness of Emira’s conflicting desires, could play into his fears of loneliness above all else.

           What you said about Emira wanting her own privacy is interesting, too- Because I imagine Odalia and Alador were the kind of strict, intrusive parents to violate that, what with their insistent control over things. And as Emira and Edric drifted away from that control, albeit not entirely… I can see Emira as having confided a LOT of private thoughts with Edric, and vice-versa, the kind of thoughts and feelings that they know their parents would judge them for. And while there’s some relief in being able to express this, it’s also created a sense of too-close codependency, where neither feels comfortable with keeping a secret from the other. I don’t think Emira and Edric really have an isolated outlet for such deep thoughts- Amity had her diary, but you saw how they treated that. And that self-awareness could lead to the twins not bothering to invest in a diary, amidst the fears of their parents being intrusive.

           And, it’s frustrating to Emira. Edric is someone she’s supposed to count on for everything, but now it feels like she can’t confide some things with him, like her concerns over identity- Not only because Edric is afraid that Emira’s concerns will lead her to cut ties with him, and he’s not entirely wrong there… But because Emira hoped that by doing things completely together, her and Edric would overcome anything- Together. But in the end, Emira really does need her own isolation to keep her sanity…

          But she has her parents being rude and controlling, keeping an eye on their own kid, while Edric doesn’t quite respect that because Emira hasn’t totally come clean about her concerns, because I also think she’s afraid of losing Edric in the process of becoming her own person. “She sends out battalions to claim it and blow it apart.” That sounds like it’s referring to Odalia, who’d very much jeopardize her kids’ sense of individuality and privacy, in order to make them dependent upon her the way an abuser does, while telling them that there’s nothing they can hide from her, so they may as well be honest and open about it, and never defy Odalia by trying to disobey her in the first place, because her kids know the consequences for that.

           You’ve got Emira trying to be the sister that Edric needs… That SHE needs, because she doesn’t want to lose Edric; You’ve got her trying too hard not to be like her mother, amidst what Emira’s parents enforce onto her; And then you have that implication that Emira and Edric act way cooler and aloof than they actually are, that they operate underneath a mask of confidence because they’re afraid of being emotionally vulnerable and open, amidst Odalia ruining any disapproved connections they could’ve made. I can see a lot of kids seeing the Blights as too scary and unapproachable to be friends with, especially with Amity’s own behavior prior to meeting Luz… And Emira and Edric are too scared to open up and be intimate, so they ward off people by playing into this mask of being intimidating and too cool. About not being affected by others, because Ed and Em had to pretend not to be affected by what their parents said…

           And it’s just this contradictory mess that’s folding in on itself, of Emira balancing not wanting to be this, amidst being forced to be like this… Being afraid to go out and explore herself, to express certain feelings- And it just makes her feel fake. And she needs an outlet so desperately, a place or environment, a chance where she can be whatever she truly is, deep down…. If there’s anything down there to find in the first place, beneath all of the illusions and facades and expectations. And I think Emira is afraid of finding nothing there, and/or something she doesn’t like, such as an uncanny similarity to her own mother… So she procrastinates on discovering herself, even though she wants to. And Emira doesn’t realize that she can always change and build off of who she is, because the Coven System discourages that sort of thinking and acts like everyone can be boiled down to innate, hidden traits that are always prevalent and can’t ever be altered nor added upon.

           TL;DR Odalia and Alador REALLY screwed their kids over. Not that this is any surprise, but it’s still disappointing because I was hoping otherwise. Maybe I’m overthinking this, but when it comes to child abuse, you don’t want to assume that anything is less serious than it could actually be.

[dathen]

TMA 158 liveblog dump

this is gonna be incoherent and long as heck and idk how they didn’t ban my twitter from all the spam

ft. excessive yelling about how much I want to kill peter lukas and me being whipped around by the plot twists like a chew toy with a hyperactive dog

looks at cast list oh god oh fuck oh christ

UMMM THE SUMMARY WHAT THE FUCKKKKKK

skjdjd why did alex read BERT!! three times as loud as the rest of the names that was cute am I just frantically latching onto anything to calm me down?? yes

me yesterday: I hope they mention Tim! me now: PETER LUKAS GET THAT NAME OUT OF YOUR MOUTH I WILL KILL YOU

“what’s that in your hands” “it’s a leitner!” “and the blood on it?” “that’s leitner too!” WHY IS THIS SHOW SO FUCKING FUNNY when i’m about to pass out from suspense

LETTING THE CHANGELING FREE TO HUNT JON JUST TO KEEP HIM AWAY?? taunting martin with “oh you can still leave to help them :)” ?? MY BLOOD IS BOILING 

this BASTARD i’m going to EVISCERATE HIM i’m going to INVENT NEW WAYS TO KILL HIM i am SHAKING  

so much for protecting the institute!!!! bastard!!! motherfucker!!!!!

ELIAS GOT OUT????? WHAT THE FUCKKKK

also my heart is suddenly wrapped in warm cozy blankets to hear jon daisy and basira are reunited but I need to know how they got separated in the first place

jon’s little high-pitched “now?? I guess??” is so cute everything he does is cute uwu

I’m reveling in hearing martin talk but part of me is in “soon I may never hear from him again” mode and it’s making it ROUGH

OOOO WE KNEW YOU COULD SEE EVERYTHING FROM THE PANOPTICON I love being right *remembers I’m afraid martin will be lost forever* ..but not all the time

also peter freeing the changeling to hunt Jon shoots down my theory that all of this is to bait him down here, which also makes me certain that he didn’t leave the statement I’m also pretty certain martin didn’t either which means...

JONAH MAGNUS?????? (DOES THAT MEAN ELIAS -IS- BRAT STONER RICH KID ELIAS??? BIGGEST FUCKING TWIST OF ALL)

HEY HEY DONT MAKE MARTIN MURDER PEOPLE YOU ASSHOLE stab jonah magnus YOURSELF

“I brought a knife” has the same air as “I have a pipe” which means someone other than (though possibly including) jonah is gonna get stabbed HOPEFULLY PETER LET MARTIN STAB PETER

me: don’t make martin a murderer he’s so soft it would make him sad uwu :(( also me: LET 👏  MARTIN 👏  MURDER 👏  LUKAS

WAIT WAIT WHAT WHAT DID I SPEAK TOO SOON DOES ELIAS HAVE JONAH’S EYES

why was there static when jon says “we don’t have time for this” hmmmm

aaaaa daisy sticking up for jon’s idea I’m :’)

“””””Elias””””””” HHHHHHHGGHHHHHHH GLGLGLLGLG

I AM IN WHIPLASH elias really is possessed I AM SAD...... I wasn’t able to join in on all the jokes bc I KNEW I’d be sad if the theory turned out to be true GLLGHHGLL...

so gertrude planning to burn down the institute was a DISTRACTION?? for murdering jonah’s body in the panopticon??

“do you really care about any of them? or is that worry simply an old reflex?” there are so many old fuckers I need to eviscerate

Martin: “No” Me: [SCREAMS ALOUD FORGETTING MY WINDOWS ARE OPEN AND SOMEONE IS PROBABLY THINKING I GOT MURDERED]

MY ENTIRE LIFE. LED UP TO THAT MOMENT. OF MARTIN SAYING NO

jon gets his second fuck!!!!!

well jon gets no fucks but you know what I mean!!!

are julia and trevor just murdering their way through the institute??? jesus CHRIST

I’m about to straight up pass out I’m so glad I worked from home today so I didn’t have to listen while driving

jon: don’t I get a gun?? :( basira: you don’t know how to fire one! jon, whiny: you never taught me!! basira: you never asked!! HE’S SO PETULANT ITS SO CUTE fjdjjdjdj

jon not wanting to leave basira and daisy behind out of fear they’ll die holding the others off :((( jonathan “I’m not losing you too” sims always making me sad ALSO I AM TERRIFIED FOR DAISY AND BASIRA

DAAAAISSYYYYY IM SHAKING AND CRYING I AM GONNA DISSOLVE

“promise me” this is only the third time I’ve cried while listening but BOY IS THE CRYING HAPPENING  

they’re gonna find her later and save her with the power of love right????

I can’t even properly appreciate how hot feral daisy is this is a crime  

MARTIN SNARK ON PETER LUKAS TIME?? is our seasonly martin smackdown gonna be on PETER LUKAS is life REALLY THIS GOOD TO ME??

oh no the knife clattering to the floor I’ve seen return of the jedi I know how this goes

“oh I’m sure it is! but that’s not what it is about, is it?” oh no martin is being Hot again I didn’t ask for this

me @ me when daisy is feral and martin is being commanding and sarcastic 

“honestly? I mostly just said what I thought you wanted to hear” JEJDSJNDJKDOEJFOSNCJKDNDKKDKSJFJDKKSNDJDKKSNNDJDJBEJSJJEJEJJDKJFNDND

THATS MY BOY!!!!!! MY BEAUTIFUL MAGIC BOY!!!!!!!!!!!

MARTIN’S SPEECH IS SO GOOD I CANT EVEN REACT TO IT IM JUST GONNA GET THE WHOLE THING TATTOOED ON MY BODY LOVE FOR MARTIN BLACKWOOD TRIPLED AGAIN HOW IS THIS POSSIBLE   

OH GOD OH GOD PETER THREW MARTIN INTO THE LONELY  NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

I SAW IT COMING in fact yesterday I predicted the last few eps would be saving martin from the Lonely but THAT DOESNT MEAN I AM ANY LESS DISTRESSED

KILL PETER LUKAS KILL PETER LUKAS KILL PETER LUKAS KILL PETER LUKAS KILL PETER LUKAS KILL PETER LUKAS KILL PETER LUKAS KILL PETER LUKAS KILL PETER LUKAS KILL PETER LUKAS

all of yesterday’s horny elias jokes were so on point elias is in maximum horny mode

“what is this place?” “that’s a complicated—“ “it’s the Panopticon” elias:

JON IS SO IN LOVE

“yeah you’ll 100% die if you go in to save mar—“ “how do I do it” NOT A FUCKING SECOND OF HESITATION I AM SCREAMING FOR A THOUSAND YEARS 

“are you scared, Jon?” “..Yes.” “Perfect” this was maximum vulnerable Jon an maximum horny elias and I am having such whiplash and I’m pretty sure my heart forgot how to beat half an hour ago 

 OH WAIT FUCK THAT WAS THE END NOOOOOOOO HOW AM I GONNA SURVIVE ANOTHER WEEK? HOW?????

MARTIN REFUSING TO HELP LUKAS AND BEING CAST INTO THE LONELY AS PUNISHMENT AND JON FOLLOWING AFTER TO SAVE HIM WAS MY DREAM SCENARIO THAT WAS TOO IDEALISTIC FOR FICS TO EVEN DARE

[cruecifymesixx]

Love and Leather /part ten/

Word Count: 2.2k

A/N: enjoy this chapter and my fucked up brain hahaha 😈 also it’s in third person POV, just trying something new. Gif credit too @electradestiny for doing the exact scene I wanted it

Warnings: drug use, language as usual, angst

Taglist: @oskea93 , @brideofdraculana , @xstarryeyes , @miserablecunt , @aryssav , @dangerous-like-a-loaded-pistol , @inthebackofmycarlaytheirbodies , @fandomshit6000 , @anntheboneless , @tiranni, @venus-calum , @justjodeye , @supernaturalvikingwhore , @are-we-real , @hi-my-name-is-riley , @extremesadnerding , @thatbandchick39 , @awkwrdcait , @countrygirlswonderland , @dillightfulpickle , @madsthegroupie , @baiabouk , @awesomealmostdopestudent

“I’m genuinely happy you’re here, Vanity.” Tommy said while pulling her closer to his side, Vanity playfully hit his stomach, “I’ve missed you too bud...all of you.” Vanity sighed softly, truly missing being around the boys and all of their antics, even if Nikki was being an ass.

“Greyson hasn’t partied before.” Vanity told Tommy causing him to get a huge grin on his face, “Well, were gonna have fun with him.” Tommy told her while looking back at Greyson, and smirking at him, Greyson too busy to notice as he kept staring at every girl that walked by.

“But not too much fun. He does go to college and he does play football.” Vanity playfully warned him, “Just don’t get him super fucked up.” Vanity said while tommy stopped and opened up the door for him, “Wait.” Vanity said, while turning around to face Greyson.

“Anything that happens in this room stays in this room. It does not go back home with us, do you understand me?” Vanity sternly confided in her brother, while he nodded his head.

The room was cramped as expected, with just enough breathing room for everyone. A girl walked up to Tommy, grabbing his hand “Oh tommy, do you have any more blow?” She was drunk and rubbing her body on him, “Yeah, not for you though.” He spat while pushing her off of him.

“C’mon, I have some good dust. You’ll love it.” Tommy told Vanity, her eyes lighting up like a Christmas tree. Vanity was always happy when Tommy wanted to share, unlike Vince on the other hand, who was as stingy as they came.

“Vanity Blackwood...it’s good to see you.” Mick looked up at her through his dark sunglasses, a small smile playing on his lips. She bent down and kissed his cheek, “Always a pleasure Mick.”

“Where’s Vince?” Greyson asked while I sat down on the couch next to tommy as he got a few lines ready, “Uh...probably getting his dick wet.” Tommy responded, “You wanna get your dick wet, Greyson?” Tommy asked laughing, before snorting a line and then handing me the silver platter I’ve taken lines off of many times before.

“He’s not touching any girl in this room, they’re disgusting.” She retorted while looking around the room at all of them before snorting a long line. “Woo!” She shouted ecstatically while rubbing her nose.

Shorty after, Nikki came into the room calm, cool, and collected. His eyes scowering the room, his sight going directly to Vanity, who was in the process of snorting cocaine with Tommy.

A spurt of jealousy went through him as they laughed with each other, Vanity having the biggest smile on her face. Tommy did his signature party trick; smoking through his nose and blowing a ring out of his mouth, causing a wide smile & laugh to erupt out of Vanity.

Nikki saw her brother at a booze filled table pouring himself a drink, “Hey man.” Nikki said with a honeyed voice, slapping his hand on Greyson’s shoulder. Startled, Greyson smiled, “Oh hey dude! What’s up? Thanks for letting us party with you guys.” Greyson beamed with joy, taking a sip of his beer.

“Ah, don’t mention it man. Glad you’re having a good time. Your sister seems to be as well.” Nikki spoke softly and they both looked in her direction.

“Did you really mean it when you called her a bitch?” Greyson pondered on the idea of one of his favorite rockstars feeling that way about his own family.

Nikki held his breath, wondering why he even said that, but as usual, he let his emotions get the best of him, “No, but Vanity makes my blood boil sometimes.” He replied, taking a swig our of a Jack Daniels bottle.

“She gets under my skin too...she’s always been good at doing that, and being manipulative as well.” Greyson briefly pointed out, instantly catching Nikki’s attention.

“Whenever she gets mad, she just...god, she just changes. My dad would have to hold her when she was younger. She’d destroy everything in her way. Lamps, mirrors, walls and at one point, a TV. Then she went to anger management classes and she was fine, but it still comes out sometimes,” Nikki listened as the kid drunkenly babbled.

‘Lightweight.’ He thought to himself.

“And I’m pretty sure I wasn’t suppose to tell you that.” Greyson chuckled, “It’s all good man, I won’t say anything.” Nikki gave his word, and then stopped a girl and pulled her close,

“Another round Nikki?” She said twirling her hair around her finger while giving him googly eyes, Nikkis lips pulling into a smirk “No, doll face...entertain my friend for me, would ya sweets?” Nikki put on his charm while passing the blonde to Greyson, who then took him away.

Nikki’s eyes slowly followed Vanity as she walked past him, getting herself a drink. He smirked and shook his head,

‘Always has to play hard to get.’ Nikki thought, licking his lips and walking up to her,

“Your brother seems like a good kid.” Nikki said, breaking the ice. Vanity paid no attention to him. She continued pouring some tequila into her cup and taking a sip.

“Doesn’t seem to be handling his alcohol well..” Nikki said, rubbing the back of his neck unsure of what to say.

“Why do you say that?” She replied, not bothering to look up at his gaze as she could already fill his eyes burrowing holes into her. “He’s a lightweight-“ Vanity chuckles, “And he spilled out some stuff about you.” Nikki said while looking at Vanity, taking his turn for a laugh.

Vanity looked at him finally, furrowing her brows. “What did that idiot say now?” Vanity asked, after downing another shot of tequila,

“Wouldn’t you like to know?” Nikki teased her, a grin playing on his lips. Vanity huffed and rolled her eyes, before mixing some vodka and ginger ale together.

“Doll...look, I’m sorry. I was just surprised to see you, and very pissed off.” Nikki explained, moving closer to her and putting his hand on her lower back.

She looked at him, taking a sip, keeping her silence. “How about this,” Nikki took the drink out of her hand, taking the drink from her hand and placing it on the table, clearing some empty bottles. He dug into his front pockets, pulling out a small sack of white powder. Vanity’s eyes glowed with excitement.

“Like old times doll face, let’s start fresh. Do a bump with me. “ Nikki boasted, a charming smile on his face that Vanity couldn’t help but melt while looking at him. Vanity studied his facial expressions. He seemed sincere enough to her. Her lips slowly forming a drunken smile,

“Alright, why not.” She was always delighted to do a few bumps of coke with Nikki Sixx himself, the man knew how to have a good time, and that was always attractive to her.

“Fuck yeah, sweets!” Nikki exclaimed while wrapping an arm around her shoulder, kissing the side of her head causing a small laugh to escape Vanity’s lips. Nikki let go, putting a tiny bit of powder on the table for her and evening out two lines.

“Ladies first.” He said with a smirk, handing her a black straw. She obliged while biting her lip and taking it.

Vanity quickly sniffed up the lines back to back. Almost as fast as she snorted the drugs, she began gagging. Her body felt like it was on fire, the room felt as if it was spinning out of control. She quickly stumbled over to a trash can that was thankfully close by and fell to her knees, retching, trying to force it out of her system.

“What the fuck did you give me?!” She screamed at him, catching everyone’s attention, but all Nikki could do was laugh at her discomfort.

Tears pouring from her eyes, Tommy and Mick quickly came to her aid, “Oh..that was smack.” Nikki said, rather proud of his actions.

Vanity continued gagging, spit dribbling down her chin as Mick rubbed her back soothingly,

“What the fuck, Sixx!” Tommy yelled, while shoving Nikki’s shoulder, “Thats fucked up, why would you slip her that!” Tommy said, furious with his band mates actions. “Oh common, dude! It’s just smack, it’s not a big deal.” Nikki said, brushing it off while smirking at Tommy.

“That’s it party’s over! Everyone get the fuck out!” Tommy yelled, everyone scurrying out of the room, leaving just the 6 of them.

“What the hell is going on?” Vince asked, walking in, getting shoulder checked by everyone going out the door in the process.

“Nikki fucking gave Vanity heroin!” Tommy yelled. Vince letting out an uncomfortable laugh, “Dude, What the fuck.” Vince shouted at Nikki, only getting an eye roll in return.

Vince walked over to a vulnerable Vanity, holding her hair back as she tried throwing up, wanting every ounce of this drug out of her.

Vanity leaned into Vince’s chest, breathing heavily as tears rolled down her face, looking at a guy who was supposed to be her friend.

Nikki’s eyes met hers, a wave of guilt rushing over him. ‘Christ, why did I fucking do that?’ Nikki thought to himself.

Her face was beet red but also pale at the same time. “Van...” Nikki whispered while slowly approaching her, “Get away from me, you’ve done enough. ” Vanity states through a harsh cough.

Greyson watches this all unfold, clutching his cup tightly. Staring at his older sister, scared of what’s gonna happen to her. “Who’s the kid?” Vince asked, looking around at everyone, “My little brother.” Vanity states quietly, Vince almost unable to hear her “Tonight was his first concert.” She whispered again, slurring her words and slumping more into Vince’s embrace.

“Dude, fucking really! In front of her brother! A fucking kid!” Vince yelled at Nikki, “Tommy, come here man.” Vince asked, Tommy doing as he says, Vince handing Vanity over to him.

“She’ll be fine, okay kid? We know how to handle these situations..just sit down.” Vince expressed his concern to Greyson while having him sit down on the couch,

Greyson’s hands run through his hair, wanting to rip it out. He hated seeing his sister so helpless, “She’s my fucking sister man! We need to call an ambulance!” Grey yelled, getting in Vince’s face.

Vince sighs, while turning his head and glaring at Nikki, “Trust me, we’ve got her.” Vince said in a softer tone, “I’ll be okay Grey, just listen to him.” Vanity spoke up,

“You’re so fucking lucky I don’t put you six feet under, Nikki.” Greyson growled at him, fists balled at his side. Nikki backed up, leaning against a wall feeling, like a real piece of shit.

“I-Uh...I’m sorry, I didn’t know she’d have a bad reaction.” Nikki said quietly, feeling like a little boy again, “I just...fuck, I’m sorry Vanity.”

“Sweets, please..I’m sorry.” Nikki speaks softly, watching her shake from the mixture of drugs and alcohol she’s had tonight.

“We need to get her out of here. Love, can you stand up?” Vince asks her and she nods. Tommy helping her stand.

“Fuck.” She said, feeling the drugs rush through her body, “I can’t go home like this, neither can he.” Vanity said, nearly forgetting her brother was here, “C’mon kid, let’s go.” Vince said, pulling him out of his sluggish state from the couch, “We’ll take them back to the hotel.” Tommy said, all of them nodding in agreement.

Vanity goes to take one step and starts stumbling, almost falling face first. Nikki catches her, helping her stand right side up. “This is your fault, asshole.” She slurs, trying to focus on him, seeing double of everything. “I know doll, I know.” Nikki said, ashamed of himself. Nikki threw her arm over his shoulder while clutching her waist, helping her walk to the limo.

“Y’know, as much as this fucking sucks, I’m having a good time.” Greyson said while Vince helped him walk, “Glad you’re having a good fucking time.” Vanity snapped at him while walking to the limo, Nikki helping her in to sit down.

“Hey, you didn’t have to do drugs to impress your boyfriend Vanny.” Greyson yelled at her while laughing, scooting into the limo and sitting across from her.

“Fuck off, Greyson. He’s not my boyfriend!” Vanity shouted at him, kicking him in the shin. “Ow! You brat, that hurt!” Greyson groaned, while rubbing his leg “God, you guys make me miss my sister.” Tommy said, trying to hide his laugh.

“It’s your fault! I didn’t even want to come but nooooo, you just had to keep pushing it.” Vanity complained while resting her head on Nikki’s shoulder.

“We all see the way you look at him, dummy. Try being less googly eyed around him and maybe we won’t notice. “ Greyson grunted, snorting with laughter, making Nikki choke on his drink, trying to suppress his cough and causing Vanity to remove her head that was resting against him when he called her out.

‘They’re just drunk and bickering like siblings are suppose to do, that doesn’t mean anything’ Nikki’s thought, looking down at his drink.

“God, you’re so annoying!” Vanity said, rolling her eyes, patiently waiting to be out of the car away from her brother.

[ventblogtobedeleted]

something in me genuinely does wither a bit when i think about sharing my creations. i wish i had someone to talk to about this?

i can be pleasant and have fun conversations, but i only feel like i connect to people when im talking about art- whether thats making art or going over art that impacted us. otherwise its like masking. im playing pretend. im silencing my passions in order to be accommodating and open up the possibility of connecting to people outside my interests. in many ways, this is healthy and good! but i want to be loved and valued for more than my ability to put myself away.

i dont think people understand when i say "i cant bring myself to share my art with anyone", i mean "i cant bring myself to share me with anyone". my art feels fragile. it feels like something i have to protect. it feels like something wounded. people i love have not respected my boundaries and made parts of it rot. i dont have a lot of positive nostalgia for eras of my art. they all are either marked by isolation or invasion.

i am in isolation right now.

sometimes i think my only motivation to create stories is so that i can finally talk about them. someone will read them, and theyll say to me, "hey! i like what you did with this theme!" and we'll talk and get along and ill finally be seen. but thats not a good reason to create, really. art should serve art, not my own loneliness. if i make art with the expectation it will save me from my isolation, i may come to hate the artwork when it inevitably doesnt fix everything.

i will hurt myself if i make art for praise and praise only. so, okay, dont make it for praise. dont make it for socialization either.

there is a stage between finishing an art piece and creating an idea. creating is vulnerable, chaotic, highly in the moment. this is the space where its most fragile, most like a conversation, and it is where i am most unable to let people in to the process. ideally, i finish something- i release the art when ive crafted it a suit of armor and i know i will survive it being prodded and interacted with. but i do not always have it in me to create something finished. i do not always have the resources to create armor. and so, when my mental health is bad, i spiral in on myself. the cost for entry is too great. i cant enter the world because the only way i know how to do it is to have already finished something.

in actuality, this is all a trust issue. you can remove the conversation about art and being a creator, and all it boils down to is that i have no one i feel like i can totally trust. its odd, because i know people have offered me friendship. i know ive been handed opportunities for kindness, for connection. why am i too scared to breathe? why am i too scared to exist as something other than a finished painting?

[babykpopsweets]

Mafia!EXO reaction to you going somewhere without telling them

You are their wifey

Pt.1

Authors Note: so I didn’t know if you wanted Kris, Luhan, and Tao so I didn’t do them. But you can request again for a seperate post of their reactions!🤗

|anon requested|

Xiumin-

He was exhausted from a long day at work. So when he came home and saw you weren’t in the bedroom you guys shared, he freaked out. He needed to find you as quick as possible.

Xiumin knew you would never run away from. Or would you? No. Xiumin had faith in you. Faith that you wouldn’t betray him like that. Were you kidnapped? Possibly but none of the gangs were mad at EXO for the time being. Did the gang who could’ve kidnap you just want to start a cold blooded war?

His thoughts were rudely interrupted by the sound of the door opening. Xiumin quickly looked in the direction of the door in hopes it was you. And fortunately for him, it was you. His heart became full of happiness to see you okay and unharmed.

“WHERE WERe YOU?!” Xiumin blurted out after hugging you tightly.

“Oh I forgot to tell you. I went out to get you a new phone case since I know your old one broke.” Even though you sensed the worry that came from Xiumin, you remained calm.

“…”

“What?”

“Firstly, you CAN NOT just forget to tell me something like that. Secondly, YOU ARE THE SWEETEST CAN I HAVE IT???”

Suho-

He had told one of his men to check up on you. Since he hadn’t been home for a few hours and wasn’t going to be home until very late. Of course he would worry about you well-being and if you were still in the house or not. But he couldn’t go himself; he was taking care of very important business.

However, just because he was busy doesn’t mean he wouldn’t worry about how you were. Thus he had one of his men take care of the once thought simple task. It became a huge mess when the man he had sent called him back and told him you were not present in the house. Suho hangs up the phone immediately and picks up his gun. Without no plan at all, he marches out of his office and towards your house.

It first came to his mind that you had left him and that made his blood boil. Yet he knew it wasn’t true when he saw all of your stuff still in the closet and around the room. If you hadn’t left on your own will, that means you were taken against your will. What was Suho going to do?! Someone kidnapped you and he has absolutely no clue as to who would know of the location of your guys house.

Thats when the door unlocked. Suho quickly pointed the gun in its direction and slowly made his way towards the entrance. His heart lifted to the sky the moment he saw it was you.

“Oh my f- Y/N WHERE WERE YOU?! YOU SCARED ME HALF TO DEATH?!” Suho was relived and angry now that you were here.

“Oops. Sorry I went to go get Froyo.”

“…srsly sorry? Ugh just don’t do it again.”

Lay-

Lay would’ve decided to come home early today. He was way beyond exhuasted. Without a doubt the first thing he looks for is his love of his life, you. But after he checked all rooms in the search for you his heart almost fell to the floor.

Lay ran around the whole house again. To look for any signs of forced entry. He didn’t find any though. Lay found the whole equation weird. No forced entry yet there was no sign of you. That’s when it clicked in his mind. Could you have possibly left him? Just the thought of it would break his heart without even knowing if it was true or not.

He thought for a few seconds before he realised he needed to go find you. Whether you left or you were kidnapped he does not know. However he must find you as soon as possible. Lay hurried to his gun and phone. He put them in his pockets and was ready to go. Right when he was about to leave you came busting through the door. The sight of you being perfectly okay made him almost drop to his knees.

“LOOK BABE WHAT I BROUGHT! Your fav from bubble tea~” You were filled with joy as you handed him the drink.

“WHERE? HAVE? YOU? BEEN?” Lay breathlessly said as he took the drink and moved to sit down on the couch.

“Bubble tea??…. OH YEAHHHHHHH I forgot to tell you. Sorry”

“Its fine just don’t do it again you almost made me go out on a killing spree.”

Baekhyun-

~click click click~

Baekhyun continued typing on his computer freely. He had totally lost complete track of time. Forgetting all about the date you guys had planned for tonight. It wasn’t until Chanyeol entered his office that he broke back to reality.

“Hey boss. Suprised to still see you here!” Chanyeol let out a small chuckle when Baekhyun put on a confused face.

“Why so?” Baekhyun asked more confused them ever since he was boss so he always stayed later then everyone.

“Because you said you have a date night with Y/N tonight.”

Baekhyuns jaw dropped as he suddenly remember the plans of the date night that was suppose to happen 3 hours ago! He quickly cleaned up all his stuff and rushed out. Leaving Chanyeol in a giggling mess.

~

“I am so sorry baby! I’m here now though.” Baekhyun yells at the top of his lungs while he closes the door.

No reply.

“Babe?”

No one was here.

Baekhyun began to worry of your well-being. You must’ve left! It’s the only thing that would make sense right now. He put all of his stuff down and grabbed a few weapons. Whilst he was stuffing them in his jacket, the door unlocked. He didn’t react since he was covered in complete sadness and shock of your disappearance.

He snapped out of it thought when you put your hand on his shoulder asking if he was okay. Then he picked you up into a hug and kiss you a few million times.

“I love you Y/n! And you really scared me baby. Please always tell me if and when you are going to leave the house.”

Chen-

Currently Chen was on a mission. He hasn’t been home for 2 days since he was traveling and tonight he was coming back finally. But he couldn’t wait that long in order to see if you were okay. Once the mission was completed and deemed successful he whipped out his phone. Dialing you number and then letting it ring.

-voicemail-

Oof, the hell of you doing that you can’t pick up? He thought to himself.

Attempt 2.

He scrolls through his contacts this time and then press your name to call.

-voicemail-

YAH! He mentally yelled out loud.

Even though it would practically eat him up on the inside the whole time, he had to wait. He was the boss of this mafia so he can’t be shown as vulnerable to any of his men in any way.

-5 hrs later-

Chen bursted through the door. Shouting your name over and over again in hopes of hearing you sweet voice reply. No such luck here. Chens heart rate increased rapidly and his anxiety grew bad. You were his world what was he to do-

The door swings open and there stands a happy you. Chen snaps his head to your direction and he immediately relaxs. You were okay. He quickly pulls you into his embrace. Happier then ever that you were still with him.

“Jagiya, please. Always tell me when you go somewhere. Please.”

“Sorry.. but I promise I will from now on.”

~~~

Part two will out in a few!! Enjoyyyy

-admin Jamz

[freerebelmentality]

For the love of music 2nd version

AN: This version is the same in the beginning just like the other one. This one has a different scenario and ending. This one is all SOA

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Word Count: 2,784

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For days you have been exploring the little town of Charming. Since moving you have made a great deal of friends who lived in your neighbourhood and whom you work with. It was a weekend and you wanted to check out the little cafe that had a patio out front.

“What can I get you to drink?” The cashier asks putting on a fake smile.

You already knew she was having a bag day and didnt want to complicate your order. Luckily the place wasnt that busy either which is a good thing for the both of you. She looked as though she wanted to get away from the till and you just wanted a nice quiet place to read.

“I’ll have the medium roast” You reply while she gives you a genuine smile and places the order for you.

You hand her the money and something extra while she mouths her thanks. You see an empty arm chair by the window and seat yourself as you pull out your book. The cashier turns on the music and thankfully its classical music. Something you have always loved. Its a favourite by Mozart.

“I got to stop here and pick up some coffee. Ran out this morning” Chibs says to his VP while the others follow Jax back to the club after doing some business.

As soon he parked his bike and turned it off is when he saw you sitting in front of him really. He walked into the cafe, his eyes still locked on you while he makes his way to the counter.

“Hey Chibs” The cashier greets the man that comes into the cafe.

You look up from your book and see him. He looked like the type your father told you to stay away from, like the authors depicted as the bad boy or even at times. The villain. Aside from that there was something about him that got your attention, it wasnt the kutte he was wearing or the tattoos that were visible to you but something special.

“Aye Lass. How is yer day” He asks before making his order

“Not so great, a few customers being complete douche bags and after that just been messing up orders all day” The cashier tells him

“The day is almost over. Ye come across pricks again just add in salt in their coffees, they wont know a difference” He says while making the cashier smile and laugh.

You liked the fact he made someone feel better about the day.

“Thanks, the usual?” She asks while getting the cup ready.

“Aye and my special blend” He says while taking his wallet out but the cashier waves it off.

“If I cant pay then I will tip” He says while smiling to her.

You melted at the sound of his voice, his accent, his charm and wondered what else could be unveiled.

“Whose the lass by the window?” He asks leaning on the counter whispering into the cashiers ear.

“I have no idea, she seems nice and she tipped me too” She says with a shrug and a smile.

“I better get going. See ye love” He says to her and looks to you toasting to coffee while you nod.

For the past few weeks Chibs has been seeing you all over town. From the cafe to the grocery store, book store and out of a music store. He got curious in what type of music you listened to, what types of books you read, and he got curious about the sound of your voice.

It wasnt like he was stalking you, he just happen to be at the places you are already at. He liked seeing you around though and how you interacted with people and always leaving them smiling or you always leave a building smiling.

You were walking out of the bank and down the street to go back to work. You noticed a group of guys blocking the walk way. You try excusing yourself but they wouldnt listen or even move.

“Excuse me” You say a little to shakey and they notice

“Whats your rush sweet heart” One guy says while he tries to comb his hands through your hair but you move quickly to try walking forward.

“I just need to get to work” You tell him in a hushed tone wrapping your arms around yourself.

“I dont think you are going any where sweet heart. Come party with us” Another says blocking your way.

Your heart begins to pick up pace and getting incredibly scared they were going to pick you up and force you some where.

“Dont be rude, he asked nicely” Another said

Chibs, Jax and Tig are driving up the street while Chibs notices you in a crowd of guys looking incredibly uncomfortable. He stops while the others stop as well.

“Whats wrong?” Jax asks looking to him

He points with his head to the group of guys and Jax sees a woman being harassed by the men and something boiled in his blood. Tig looks over and hated seeing guys hovering over a woman like that when clearly she is feeling uncomfortable.

“We can show you a good time” The other says as he grabs you by the arm and twirls you around and pulls you towards him. You try to escape from his grasp but he held on tight while licking the side of your face.

You managed to get your arm free and slapped him. His friends grabbed you by both of your arms and held you there. He nodded to him one friend, he came to you and about to tare away at your clothes when you started to scream for help. He managed to tare your shirt open, revealing your bra and tried to hide yourself but the others were holding your arms.

They marvelled at your body with perversion in their eyes while you are feeling completely helpless and violated. Finally you heard motorcycles come driving in and thats when you got more afraid because you thought it was more of their friends coming to help them with you. You begin to cry while you closed your eyes.

Tig drove by with his leg out and tripped at least three guys, Jax stopped his bike and turned it off while Chibs did the same thing and ran to you right away.

“Get the fuck away from the lady and I wont empty this round into your heads” Jax says as he points his gun to the attackers.

“Same along with an extra” Tig says while drawing out two guns.

“Bitch wasnt worth it anyway” One guy says as he walks away along with everyone else

“Just another biker whore” The other guy says

That pissed off Chibs, he got and went running to the guy who said that. He turned towards him quickly and begin to punch him. Once he fell to the ground is when he kicked him repeatedly. You hear all the commotion and open your eyes to see the people who have saved. Still trying to hide yourself, you peak your head over to see the same guy from the cafe. Tig sees you and he goes to Chibs bike to grab a sweater from the compact case.

“You alright doll?” He asks slowly approaching you.

“Im not gonna hurt ya, I just want to give ya this sweater” He says while you startle and he raises his hands in surrender.

“Thank you” You say in a hushed tone taking the sweater from him and immediately putting it on.

The smell of the sweater made you calm down from the anxiety attack thats lurking at the core of your chest. The sweater smells of cologne, cigarette smoke, weed and hint of motor oil.

“Ye alright love?” The man asks with the accent you grew to love, even the sounds of his voice made you feel better

“Im just trying to calm myself down” Is all you say while looking between the three men who have saved you.

“Im Filip but you can call me Chibs. This is Jax and thats Tig” He says while introducing himself and the other two.

“Filip, Jax and Tig. Im y/n” You introduce yourself as well.

“Well thats a pretty name for a pretty face” Tig says while trying to make you feel better

“I think Im far from feeling better” You honestly tell them while they look to you in confusion

“Im on the verge of having an anxiety attack” You tell them while wrapping your arms around yourself. Covering yourself from the vulnerability that has been caused by the group of guys.

“Close your eyes, inhale deeply and hold it for a few seconds. Exhale slowly while naming five things that ye sense” Filip says while standing right in front of you.

You do just as you are told. Inhaling and exhaling out slowly.

“I can smell cigarettes, cologne, weed, motor oil. And I can hear on going traffic” You reply while opening your eyes and the handsome Scottish man is standing right in front of you.

“I think ye just described my sweater” He says with a smile forming

“Is there any where we can take you y/n?” Jax asks while looking to you

“Home” Is all you say while Filip leads you to his bike. You give him the address.

He pulls into the drive way, kicks the stand into place and turns off his bike. You get off the bike and give him the helmet.

“Ye live with someone to keep an eye on ye?” He asks while looking to you and your house you are renting.

“No, its just me. I’ll be fine” You tell him while looking for the keys in your purse

“If anything happens just give me a call, here is my number” He says while writing it down for you

“Thanks” You grab the piece of paper from him.

“Thanks for everything” You add while walking to the front door and unlocking it.

You turn the knob, push the door open while he starts his bike once more and you walk in to get one last look to the man who saved you from something horrible.

Over the next few days have been skittish for you, work wasnt easy as well and your boss along with your co workers begin to notice. You havent said anything about the attack to anyone. There were times when you wanted to call Filip but always changing your mind.

Chibs had found out where you worked and he always stopped by during your break, picked you up for lunch and even picked you up after work. You thought he was only doing that because he felt bad for you.

“Im doing the cooking. Ye head up stairs, get into some comfy clothes and relax” He says from behind you as he places his hands on your hips and leads you away from the kitchen.

When you came back down, Chibs had already set the table, two wine glasses and he was about done with dinner.

“Smells good and table is set up nicely” You tell him while leaning against the counter beside the stove

“Dinner is done, sit while I serve you a plate” He says while taking the pan with him

“Before we eat, there is something I want to say” He adds while pouring the wine into your glasses.

“Are you breaking up with me?” You ask sarcastically while he gives you puzzled expression then changes to a slight chuckle.

“The first time I saw ye at the cafe, sitting in the arm chair and reading a book. I thought ye were one of heavens most beautiful creatures” He says while placing his hand on yours.

“I couldnt stop thinking about ye after that. Once I saw ye around town coming out of the music shop and book store is when I knew how incredibly beautifully smart ye are” He adds while rubbing his thumb over your knuckles

“I wanted to know what captured your attention from the books, what caught your attention while listening to music because I wanted to know what was in that beautiful mind of yours” He continues while looking deep into your eyes.

“When I saw you being harassed by those bastards, thats when something deep inside me threw me into a heat of rage because a woman like ye shouldnt have to endure that. Ye are the type who has a big heart and that was shattered that day. Ye had this notion on your face that ye couldnt feel safe anymore and thats what broke my heart” He says while trying to hold it together but the tears arent helping

“Of all this time spent together, day after, day and I knew that I couldnt stay away. I knew that I was falling for ye, I knew I wanted to be the one ye call when everything crumbles and I wanted to be the one to pick up the pieces for ye and try to make things better again. Y/n I love ye and I dont see myself with anyone else. I want to know if ye would do me the honours and be my old lady?” He finishes while lifting your hands together and gently places a kiss on your hand.

“Wow, I didnt think when I moved here that I would meet someone such as yourself” You say while looking into tear filled eyes.

“When I saw you at the cafe is when I liked the fact you made the cashier feel better about her day when she wasnt having such a great day. You did and thats what I liked” You tell him with a smile on your face

“After a while when I kept seeing you around town as well, coming out of the grocery store, hardware store and a charity benefit building. Is when I knew that I wanted to be apart of your every day routine because there arent many people who would enter a charity benefit building and drop off donations or volunteer for the sake of their heart” You continue while forming tears as well

“You have this stoic, strong, stubborn yet kind, trustworthy and loyal persona you have. I wanted to feel how it felt like to have someone like you because there arent that many men in the world like you. You arent afraid to show vulnerability at the times you feel the need to and arent afraid to express those feelings either” You add while trying to contain the sob that wants to escape from your mouth.

“I fell for you as well and I have loved you for sometime now. I felt happy, safe and excited knowing you would be there to bring me coffee, lunch and would be there to pick me up from work just so you know I would be coming home safely. I loved you the minute you came to my rescue and I do love you. I would be happy to be your old lady and I would have been disappointed if you didnt ask sooner” You finish while he reaches over to give you a kiss that he has been dying to do for a while now.

The both of you are happy to the extent that everything else came naturally. There was no awkward moments when he started to move in with you. There was always that feeling of being right at home with each other, and when spending as much needed quality time together is when neither of you asked about what to do.

Fridays would be having dinner together or at Gemma’s house. Saturdays would be spent in your music/library room together while he read the morning news paper in his chair and you would be in yours reading a book. In between sat a table that held a lamp and both of your coffees while the piano notes of Strauss played on the turn table. Sundays were spent in bed all day and not wanting to get out because of how loving it was to be in each others arms.

Filip always loved spending his weekends with you and he always made sure he had those weekends off from the club. They didnt mind since they knew how much he couldnt stay away from you and you wouldnt want to spend the weekends alone. He loved how everything was and he wouldnt want to trade this for anything in the world. You wouldnt want this to end anytime soon because its all you have ever wanted and you loved every single moment of it.

[brieflyrainytheorist-blog]

Brain farts....

So to turn to a cathartic exercise, I write to try and process my brain.

Let me explain myself.

My story is a long one, too long to go into detail for now but to summarise…. my life started to change from a chaotic dysfunctional everlasting death wish to something that I feared and had no experience of….functionality

Or what appeared to be functional as I observed the rest of the ‘normal’ human race in the 1st world do.

Straight out of rehab, I almost immediately jumped into a relationship… initially had no intention of it having any longevity, after all I was so damaged-who would want me or more importantly put up with me.

But he did and 16 years of the relationship lasted somehow, producing 2 beautiful children.

But it wasn't enough for me. I didn't love him. I loved who he was and I think that is different, he was my constant, he was my secure base if I'm looking from a psychological theory aspect but I didn't love him which bred contempt.

I think, or at least I'm currently experiencing, I am a sexual creature who loves the feel of another human being.

I didn't in this relationship, it was an act to just get pure primal needs met and in the 16 years we were together, I probably actually slept in the same bed for 1 1/2 years of the relationship.

He didn't do oral sex so nor did i. I’d accepted that as normal. Sex never got more exciting than missionary, don't get me wrong, there were periodic glimpses of passion but few and far between. Since leaving the relationship and having had some good sex since I'm still stunned I accepted that for such a long time.

After 5 years of the relationship, I had grown as a person, starting to discover some resemblance of self worth, not much, but it was there and I felt guilt for this relationship, knowing I was always looking elsewhere but not actually acting on it.

I attempted to end it and was greeted with a sobbing, begging person, promising to try harder and please not to leave him……Oh shit…. I was NOT expecting that. I felt so bad, I agreed to try and carry on.

I think from that moment onwards that had sealed fate for this relationship. He then was waiting for the inevitable and I was so wracked with guilt from seeing a broken man cry…. I carried on slightly resentful for another 11 years.

We both grew separately in this time in other areas of our lives and I think that was what we were good at as a couple, we encouraged each other to better ourselves, we both individually slowly nurtured a growing self worth, just not enough to be able to let go of each other. Two children knowing something wasn't right but unable to be honest about what that was.

The eventual end could have been dealt with better by myself as I chose one of his most vulnerable times of his life. 3 days after his father died.

This not only demonstrates my selfish nature but also my inability to hold onto things until I burst and have to act.

I was expecting a repeat of what had happened when I ended it before. But nothing, no resistance, no begging and no tears.

In fact the only tears were mine of guilt.

He very quickly got into another relationship and is still in it. He cannot be honest with me about how serious it is but for a rebound, it’s been at least a year and a half. 

This stings me repeatedly. He wanted to walk leaving everything, take nothing of the 16 years we had built together. I could not understand. Still struggle with that but I'm guessing it's a preservation for him.

We still communicate-ish. On a very basic level in terms of the children.

I get angry when he talks about his new relationship and he throws money at me to try and keep me ? Happy ? Quiet.

So now I'm free…. What to do with that? Actually my solid base is now gone and that scares me, I could literally do anything. Although I now know that I have the ability to be a functional human being in this world, as I have been proving this to myself over and over again, it has taken my emotions right back to that dysfunctional being who had no filters. The primal me.

So In my best decision making ability - NOT, I hit the dating sites with vengeance.

Sex is disposable, can be the most primal thing on earth and it is so good when you find someone who knows what they are doing.

Before I start, i have written exclusively about men here, but i am Bi, I just haven't entered back into that world yet. It scares me a little, i may decide that actually it’s a woman that I want need after all….However I do like cock, too much to let it go.

I like a man to take the lead but due to my dubious past, I have also had a lot of experience and am open to a lot of things to hit my pleasure zones.

The thing I struggle with is the emotions. Is it even possible to separate the natural chemicals produced by seeing the same person repeatedly?

I have tested the waters with different men and if they are good, i repeat, if they are not i don’t…

My situation so far on the ones that have left some form of impact on me

I accidentally bumped into a guy, that initially had no interest in really. Then I fucked him. Holy shit!! He hit every physical button he could.  Maybe it wasn't even that good but I have been starved of my bodily feeling that way I clung on like a limpet.

Mentally and emotionally not really there initially and if I'm honest, not really physically attracted to him other than what he did in bed.

So he has just ended this ‘thing’ we have been doing for the past month-essentially 3 weeks of fucking pretty much every other day.

He tells me he wants a relationship now and the fuck buddy thing is not for him and that our wants are different.

I don't want to jump into another relationship so soon. I want to explore this awakening of my sexuality before the menopause kicks in and I have no interest any more.

But I do want emotional human contact too that is more than a friendship level… Maybe I want my cake and eat it? I can be very selfish sometimes.

I feel hurt from this rejection and my emotional maturity isn't at the place where I can be rational about it, My head tells me that he has spotted I am fundamentally damaged and that he’s not going to go there.

Of course i have made it all about me…again selfish

I’m struggling to let go of this rejection.

He’s a sweet bloke and I actually admire that he can show that level of emotional awareness to know when to back out until he finds what he wants. I hope he does… the child in me tell me he wont find such great sex again…. But thats my bolshy streak! Its how you know to get the best out of a situation i guess……

So meanwhile in a different reality but parallel to the one I've been talking about…. I am still on the dating sites…. Yes, fuck boy is right really, I don't particularly want exclusivity unless the world collide and makes me see that this is the ‘one’ whatever fantasy realm that exists in….

I have been speaking to someone for quite a while now,  a lot longer that fuck boy has been around and I love talking to him. I call him the Brain. I haven't met him and I'm almost afraid to as I don't want to lose what we have got in his company of chat.

We speak most days, some days all day long.

He hits my emotional intelligence level, I think anyway, I can cum when just thinking about conversations we have had. Trouble is if I meet him, I'm so afraid the chemistry wont be there. This is what you don't get chatting.

There is intellectual chemistry no doubt. But it boils down to physical again.

I don’t even know what he truly looks like either. He won't show me another picture. I don't entirely trust that he is single either.

Im afraid of losing him or the persona that he has created for me.

There is another boy, and I use that word loosely due to the fact he is 29, 14 years younger than me who tells me he wants to fuck me… he’s new. I think I might try him. No long term intention….

And then there is Chris. Chris was one of the first I started with. Again I haven't met him, I was going to but he bottled it.

He’s sweet but brings out the punisher in me. I kind of like stringing him along. I’m a bitch right? I may still fuck him but I like the fact he still try to get me to meet him. I told him it was 2 strikes and then out and he bottled both times.

He has narcolepsy, the nurse in me wants to know if he will crash while I'm fucking him…. Yes, I’m a perv!!

There are others that I'm chatting to but no-one who has made any sort of impact.

What do I get from it all?

I guess there are multiple levels of stuff.

Firstly validation that I cannot obtain for myself. 

The physical aspect forfils my physical and sexual desires. Thats chemical.

There is also an element of punishment in there too. A shame shock if you like. It challenges all my catholic guilt that I seem to lug around like a sack of rubble.

If I enter something and get rejected it validates my core belief that I am mad, bad and unlovable. There is some sort of sick investment in there that keeps me mentally unwell. Maybe I like that as it defines me to myself.

[daveywankenobie]

Before you start reading it’s probably a good idea that you recap on Part One (here) Part Two (here) and Part Three (here). By now you know the drill. It’s gonna be a long post. Get your cup of tea ready.

(As before my ‘lightbulb moments’ will be in red.)

It’s now 16th April 2016. I’ve been sober for two and a half months and I’m considering my next step.

When I gave up drinking in my mind I had a blissfully ignorant vision of what would happen. This was because I knew alcohol was the cause of my type two diabetes and if I stopped it would go away. I knew this not because anyone had told me it was true – but because I’d decided it was. 

Drink was also the sole cause of my huge weight and I knew that I only ate more when I was drunk. I knew this too not because anyone had told me it was true – but because I’d decided it was. 

Once I had stopped drinking I also knew that everything would magically fall into place. Guess why…

In my fantasy the diabetes would gradually fade away, my weight would melt off, my high blood pressure would automatically reduce, my cholesterol would return to normal, I would be able to sleep properly etc etc etc etc.

It would all happen naturally and with minimal effort given time.

Yet two and a half months later nothing had changed.

My trousers maybe felt a little looser, my blood sugar had dropped a tiny bit and I didn’t have hangovers any more – but other than that I was just fat and sober rather than fat and drunk.

To quote a (very) over used cliché ‘the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result.’ Yet there I was, often still eating two large dominos pizzas in an evening and still expecting to lose weight because I’d stopped drinking three bottles of wine every night.

Oddly I began to accept quite quickly that I was still in denial about what it would take for me to get better.

Maybe because I was regularly exploring my feelings and motivations in my blog I (in retrospect) moved relatively quickly to my first level of acceptance.

I needed to get help with my weight in the same way that I needed it for my alcohol abuse. Just stopping one thing that’s bad for you and expecting everything else to magically fall into place is nuts.

At the time someone had quite wisely said to me ‘you can’t boil the ocean.’

They were right. Doing one thing at a time had been the right way to go. I needed the alcohol out of my life and I needed a clear head for what was to come – but now I had to accept that other things needed to change too.

The next step had to come and it had to come quickly.

One Saturday morning with this in mind I looked online for a suitable group – and there it was. My old next door neighbour Angie was still a Slimming World consultant – and quite unexpectedly she was running a session just around the corner.

In ten minutes!

I decided to attend and rushed over.

It was a tough morning.

Not only did the little red chairs in the infant school hall where the group was seem impossibly small to me but devastatingly I also weighed in at 34st 8.5lbs.

I’d never been so heavy in my life. The reality of the task ahead hit hit me like a truck when I returned home that day and I just sat sobbing and alone in my house.

(You can read the full events of that morning here link.)

Shortly after my father messaged me to give me some support. He too was overweight and was also planning to try and lose his excess. He was around 20 stone he said and was heading for the same 12st 7lbs that the NHS BMI calculator thought we needed to be.

He also casually remarked that I had to lose the entirety of him to get down to a BMI that was no longer classed as obese or overweight.

In private it suddenly felt like I was being crushed.

It all seemed so impossible. 

In public I was hopeful – but deep down I didn’t know how I really felt. I just kept writing and I tried to keep going. The food I was cooking was nice and I was enjoying eating the things on the plan.

I tried to keep my eye on the prize and not look at how far away the horizon was – however history had led me to believe that failure was a very real – if not very probable possibility and it was never far from my thoughts.

Previously I’d been a member of Weight Watchers on no less than three separate occasions before 1999/2000, losing 3 stone and then regaining it. I’d been on the Cambridge diet twice from 2007 – 2008, lost 10 stone and then put it all back on (and more) by 2009.

Furthermore this wasn’t my first time attending a Slimming World group. I’d already attended Angie’s group in 2010, left and then rejoined in 2011. Neither instance ended very well.

I’d initially managed to lose 2 stone but then started backsliding like I always did.

I tried to recapture the impetus a couple of months later – but felt it had gone and decided to leave. Back then I felt like I was a complete failure and that this was the life I deserved. I thought I’d let everyone that believed in me down again and that I was meant to be fat.

I put it all back on – just like every other time I’d tried.

This third time around things would be different though. I would go into this with my head in the game and I’d power through. It would be mind over matter. I had the numbers all worked out. I’d lose 5 or more pounds a week and in 60 weeks or less I’d be thin. It would take just over a year. There was no room for failure. It wasn’t an option.

I was going on a diet.

Sitting in the pub a week or so later with a pint of diet coke I recounted my ambitious plans to a colleague from work.

‘I’m planning to lose about 5lbs a week.’ I told him – expecting him to be impressed.

‘If I lose any less than that I’m going to be really pissed off. I’ll be failing if it’s any less.’ I concluded.

He looked at me. ‘Why think like that?’ he replied patiently. ‘If you only lose half a pound a week you’re still losing weight. If you lose a pound a week that’s over four stone a year!’ 

I did the maths in my head.

He was irritatingly right.

This was one of my earliest revelations yet oddly also one of the biggest. It’s sometimes hard to apply to myself – but it’s as true today as it was back then.

Forward is forward. It doesn’t matter how big or small the steps are you’re still making progress.

Don’t snatch defeat from the jaws of victory.

This came in handy pretty soon – because it wasn’t long before I hit a speed bump (link) and in my fourth week I put some weight unexpectedly back on.

This just served to confirm all my worst fears in my scared little brain.

I was a failure again, just like I’d been before. I felt so angry and upset that I walked out of the group after standing on the scales. I couldn’t take sitting with everyone as a big lardy let down.

I thought everyone would think I was a fat, hopeless waste of space. I knew they would think this because it’s what I thought, and they MUST be thinking the same as me.

Wrong.

Three things happened here to make this a valuable lesson.

I went home and felt like crap. I realised afterwards in the cold light of day that the things I was paying money for (support from my consultant and suggestions about how to succeed) were all denied to me because I walked out of the room. I have never missed another group since – except to climb Snowdon – and when I reached the top I texted the other members and Angie to say where I was and tell them that I’d done it.

When I went home I sat there with no-one but myself. I was angry and upset – and all I could hear in my own head were voices of self loathing and criticism. I could instead have been surrounded by people that would have cared and told me in a nice way that I was being silly. Over time I’ve learned that when you sit in a room full of men and women like this and you feel at your most vulnerable, the person next to you almost certainly cares more about you than you. Not only that but it’s reciprocal. You care about them too and it’s almost certain that you’ll treat them better than you would yourself. You both need each other to remind you of the reality. Neither of you are failures and you can do it. 

I had to admit that I hadn’t RTFM (Google it). I’d completely failed to spend time absorbing the Slimming World book and instead I’d cherry picked what I wanted to hear rather than listening to everything. When I was told that free food was unlimited I neglected to pay attention to speed food or the advice that free food shouldn’t be eaten past the point of contentment. Instead I thought ‘yay! I can eat tons of chicken!’ I’d been thinking I was on plan but instead I was eating all the right foods in all the wrong quantities. If I wanted to succeed I had to pay close attention. So I sat down with a strong coffee and read the book from cover to cover. I didn’t make the same mistakes again.

Over time other things also became clear. There’s no chronology here – this is just what worked for me.

I started to regularly use a useful feature of Slimming World’s web pages. If you’re not following the plan thats OK – you can do this yourself in a spreadsheet.

Make a graph of your progress.

Why?

The graph over time will grow longer and longer and it will show you that occasional gains don’t really mean anything. They’re completely natural – and not the devastating failure you think they are in the moment where you see the numbers in a meeting.

The longer you do something for the more it just looks like a nice gentle curve.

If you focus on one bad result and walk away from everything then you do yourself a disservice. Success isn’t about how many times you fail – it’s what you choose to do afterwards. If you use that mistake to fuel your determination to get it right next week then it’s actually a success.

Now – here’s something that you don’t have to do – but I think it’s crucial to understand what’s in food – and by that I mean both it’s nutritional and calorific value.

I’m not advocating that everyone count calories – because I certainly don’t. What I’m saying is that every single thing you put in your mouth is fuel and it had a consequence.

A large strawberry is a free food – but its average energy content is 33kcal. If you have a punnet of 10 strawberries you’ve just eaten 330kcal. Chicken and most lean meat is 100-120kcal per 100g. It doesn’t take more than a few mouthfuls to have another 300kcal on top of your strawberries as many pre-cooked packs of them are 200g plus.

You don’t have to count calories all the time but you do have to understand what you’re putting in your mouth. 

You can’t ignore it because many of us don’t understand the concept of eating until contentment and we need to face up to what we’re putting in our mouths.

On the subject of calories I can’t not mention syns. This bit is relevant only for people following SW.

In simple SW terms these are 20kcal of processed food (although other foods that you might not expect to also contain them – check the SW web pages or have a look in the app if you’re unsure). A man can have 20 a day and remain on plan, and a woman 15– although this varies with your starting weight.

I was initially told to have 30.

Syns aren’t a problem. They’re a clever way of tacking the most common hurdle people face when they want to lose weight and ask ‘can I still eat the foods I love?’ The answer to this on any mainstream plan has to be a qualified ‘yes’ otherwise no-one would start a diet.

After all why would they? It sounds horrible otherwise.

It would be nothing but total denial.

So – people can still eat crisps and chocolate and remain ‘on plan’ – but in my view this should be a starting point rather than a continuing life long policy towards weight loss and maintenance.

I think that the biggest problem we have with food in society at the moment is that we view the packaged refined and processed crap that we buy as ‘normal’. Our objectve shouldn’t be to try and bend our health around them but instead to eventally remove as much of them as we can from or lives.

I regularly walk down the street eating raw carrots – and often people look at me like I’m insane. They wouldn’t bat an eyelid if I was drinking a bottle of coca cola with thirteen spoonfuls of refined sugar in it – or a Mars Bar with a bag of crisps – but that’s the crazy world in which we live.

Personally I feel that long term success means that if you have treats like this then you have then occasionally and make sure that they are in fact the exception rather than the rule.

The next bit in red is my opinion. You can choose to ignore it or agree – but it’s worked for me.

I avoid empty syns and calories with zero nutritional value.

If you want to lose weight then choose nutritionally rich foods that will fill you up rather than hit you with intense flavours and make you want more instead of satisfying you. If you’re looking for long term success then learn to cook.

Use your syns on an avocado, some nice olives or a drizzle of oil in your cooking. Better still flavour a stew with some chorizo or use a nice curry paste – just make sure that you count them the same way as you would anything else and don’t guesstimate.

Finally – if there’s one thing I’ve learned it’s that the only faliures you can truly have in life are not trying at all or giving up.

I ‘failed’ over and over again on multiple diets. I yo-yo’d back and forth and thought I was destined to be fat forever.

This is a lie I told myself to avoid the inconvenient truth.

Losing weight and keeping it off is hard work and there are no magic fixes or quick wins.Even if you have an operation to remove parts of your stomach you still have to stay on a calorie controlled diet. There’s NO EASY WAY TO DO THIS.

However – if you want it enough then it’s yours for the taking and you don’t have to worry about screwing up.

What I did over the years wasn’t failing at all. I just hadn’t realised then that slowly and surely I was learning how not to do things, and ALL of that experience came in useful when I finally began to learn how to do it RIGHT.

They enabled me to realise that the REASON I yo-yo’d for years was (amongst other things) because I built NONE of what I did into my life and I didn’t accept that there wasn’t an end goal.

I didn’t have to get into a certain pair of trousers, I didn’t have to wear a pair of speedos for my holiday – and I didn’t have to walk down the aisle with anyone.

Having goals like that are wonderful – but what happens when you reach them? What’s beyond the horizon?

I’d suggest that if you want to have lifelong success accept early on that it’s not a diet – it’s a change of lifestyle and it’s forever.

Try to focus less on short term ‘swimsuit’ goals (although they can help along the way) and more on building healthy eating into every single moment of every day. Don’t try and restrict yourself – just learn to love things that are good for you and come to terms with that being your new, longer, happier life.

Oh – and also you might need to move a little bit too intenet – but that’s what my next post is about…

In 2016 might have accepted that I needed Slimming World and it’s group in my life – but I could still hardly walk to the end of my street and I was still in denial about exercise…

Davey

Part Four: Group love Before you start reading it’s probably a good idea that you recap on Part One (

[aqueeragenderaway]

Epiphany journal post- i mean, you can read it but its pretty boring without context

My life changed drastically when i started dating my now ex. I moved out of my place into his, then was homeless for 8 months when his parent decided my confrontation of their inappropriate behavior wasnt acceptable. Then, i reopened communications with family i had closed off, and eventually lived with them. Then, i moved out of state to follow him to college. I went back to college for him, taking on debt and diving back into a system i had already shown myself wasnt for me. I gave up myself for him, or at least, so i told myself. But if that were true, i would have been more compromising. I would have been better at listening, been better at making his life easier, rather than harder. I would have been more loving. I think... i think i gave up everything for myself. Telling myself it was for him meant i could self-sabotage to any extent in the name of "love." I made excuses like "he loves me for me, so i dont need to bother" or "everything will work out once im in his arms again." And i admit that despite my growing acceptance that any chances for rekindling a romantic relationship between us are likely fractured beyond repair, just imagining him hugging me is enough of a motivator for anything. I could go back into the closet for that hug. I could kill for that hug. I could do worse. And that scares me, as itd probably scare him, because thats not healthy. What is it that makes his affection, more than anyone else's, sp potent, so powerful? Ive spent a lot of time thinking abiut this, and its complicated, but boils down to this: 1. He loves a better me than the me i see in the mirror. (I have low self-esteem) 2. I met him in the most vulnerable part of my life yet, and he lifted me out of it (i have placed him on a pedestal) 3. I sincerely think he is the only person who has ever treated me with respect, who has listened to my needs and boundaries and tried without complaining to honor them (i am a victim of abuse and as such have a terribly biased scale of "caring") These three things, especially when broken down into the nuanced bits and bobs, resulted in a terrible, terribly warped perspective, which led me to make sone immensely risky/poor decisions. And it was all on my end. Its all me, not him. He was being a badass, sure, but it was me taking that to the next 100th level. That pressure was the base of it all- because it was that pressure that made him feel uncomfortable stepping back, what made him feel terrible any time he stepped out of the image i painted of him. And it made me falsely paint myself too, as the all-understanding, all knowing partner who could practically read his mind. And tge real kicker is that i don't have (nor want, really) the ability to say "woah hey actually he was shitty as hell damn how did i miss that," because he wasn't. I mean sure he wasnt perfect (he didnt find much joy in my gaming, for instance, and we have very different perspectives on "reverse racism") but he was legitimately the most loving, most kind, most patient, understanding, and empathetic partner i have ever had. So now i have to learn to take him off the overextended pedestal, while also knowing he does still deserve to be on one, just... just one he has room to move on. http://www.webtoons.com/en/romance/always-human/27-okay/viewer?title_no=557&episode_no=29 The above is a webcomic i love, and this particular episode, and the one before it, talk a lot about this pedestal idea. I think... i think i never really learned how to acknowledge someones greatness without placing them on a high pedestal. I think ive learned to make everything an exercise in idealism, in excessive optimism... or of course, the precise opposite. Grey space is of course something i recognize exists, and unlike my childhood self, i know that most everything exists within it- but my actions often focus on weighing the good vs bad and then redefining my relationship with it, magnifying one and diminishing the other, either absolving all mistakes, or defining any good as inconsequential. If my apologies meant anything to him, id make them- but seeing as he recently made a post along the lines of "once trust is lost, sorry means nothing," i dont think it matters anymore. Sometimes, its hard to convince myself he even wants to hear from me ever again (see, there i go, running from the grey area towards an extreme). I think the best thing i could do is learn from this experience, not only bettering myself and my life, but by doing so, releasing that pressure on him, and doing what i should have been doing from the get-go: letting him be himself, not just my version of him. I think that would be better than any "sorry" i could utter. Thats something i need to work on: existing in the grey. And perhaps that is why this disability atuff is taking so long: because i need to learn how to exist in stillness. My life has always been me running, either towards death through SI, or towards "happily ever after." Never walking, always running- or if obstacles were impassable, pacing anxiously. I have no idea what i am going to do, where it will be done, or how im going to do it. And maybe... Maybe that needs to be okay.