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tsukishimas-shortcake · 4 years ago

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Relationship Headcanons

↦ Character(s): Hakkai Shiba x fem!reader

↦ Rating/Warning: No rating though there are some light mentions of abuse (if you have read the manga you are aware of what I am talking about, I’m not going very deep into it though it literally just mentions it), mentions of anxiety attacks (no detail though), fluff, not proof read

↦ Word count: 1.8k (longer than planned, sections are bolded)

↦ Your Momo’s Receipt: Hello~ I’m post yet another TR headcanon and this was requested by the lovely @strawbub I hope this doesn’t disappoint, it did get longer than planned but I enjoyed writing it. I'll prob do a part two that's more of a scenario based on your first date or something since I didn't go into it here. Please note: for those of you who don’t know my blog is currently under construction, meaning I will not be updating my masterlist for the time being.

So how did you guys meet, well mostly because of Yuzuha,

One day in like elementary you’re walking home and you see this super pretty middle school girl just like yelling at this small group of guys

The guys end up running off just because they don’t wanna deal with her or the attention she's drawn to them

Behind her was a boy, taller than her but obviously younger. You didn’t assume they knew eachother though.

The boy and yuzuha began walking in opposite directions because one was going home while the other was going to pick up something like groceries

You’re so entranced by how she stood up to them yet she’s a girl who was far smaller and you end up catching up to her, almost stepping on her heels

You end up absent mindedly following her into the grocery store and eventually she just freezes, turns, and stare directly at you

Your eyes widen since you must’ve been staring and she just goes “may I ask why you’re following me?” And you explain how cool she was earlier. She invites you over for dinner (esp since her older brother won’t be home) and figured it’d be good for Hakkai to meet someone his age

You end up going over but Hakkai didn’t come down to eat so you never actually got to meet him, though from then on you would see Yuzuha every so often, visit every other weekend or so

But no matter how often you came over the next few months, you never once met hakkai,

That was until you both reached the end of your middle school education and we’re about to begin high school

You had gone over because you were going to borrow an old work book from Yuzuha, and when you go to knock on the door the door opens before your closed fist could hit it, instead hitting a firm chest

You blush and quickly apologize but the person in front of you doesn’t move at all, doesn’t say anything and almost looks like they drifted into space with their dead stare

You assume this is yuzuha’s older brother because you’ve also never met him and you immediately turn to walk away but Yuzuha calls over hakkai’s shoulder

“Y/N-Chan! You just got here where are you going?” This was def not yuzuha’s older brother. There’s no way she’d be that happy with him around; oh my god. Realization hit, the guy who you hit (though it was more of a tap) was hakkai.

The hakkai you had only caught a glimpse of in yuzuha’s photos, never talked to or actually seen in person despite going to the same school and living in the same neighborhood

He must hate you. That’s why he avoids you. That’s def why - is what you think

Yuzuha drags hakkai back inside and invites you in; you sit down with them in the living room and watch hakkai visibly relax now that he’s inside his house, his own space, with a pillow behind him and a blanket covering his lower half, he almost curls up into it as he continues to avoid your stare

“Hi hakkai…Kun? Im L/N Y/N” you say and you see his face dead pan once again

Yuzuha can be heard laughing from the kitchen as she comes back in.

She leans over and begins explaining that hakkai literally just freezes with any interaction between him and girls who aren’t in his family

You nod, thinking maybe it’s an anxiety thing? Which is the case with you, but only because he’s been watching you since you’ve come over (not in a creepy way) wanting to and working the courage up to talk to you

The 5th or so time you came over after that encounter he was inches away from introducing himself before the house phone rang causing everyone to kind of “wake up” in a sense

Every time since then he gets closer and closer but isn’t able to say anything; he even realizes he has a crush on you.

The way you sit when you do homework and how cute you look when you’re focused.

How your forehead scrunches up when you’re trying to figure something out and you end up just sitting back with a small huff followed by yuzuha’s signature laughter.

It’s also a huge thing that you get along with Yuzuha.

So enough with first meeting time for the confession.

He ends up confessing accidentally. He didn’t know you were coming over to begin with so he was flustered out of his mind. And how was he supposed to know you hadn’t actually fallen asleep and you could hear him over the tv

The tv was more white noise than anything and the day was hot since it was the middle of summer causing the window to be open and the sound of soft wind and small birds to drift in; this was the hot that makes you tired so you were all sprawled out of just sitting in a daze

So while resting your head on the table you’re dozing in and out but then you hear hakkai begin to speak, something he never really did around you

Now did you and hakkai text? Yes. Did it take him an hour to reply because his brain would explode when you replied to him? Yes. But was it a start to communication? Also a yes.

You hear him say your name quietly before he moved closer, you can feel his gaze on your features

“I like you” is all he says. Simple and sweet. But you sit there in shock, trying not to blush so he’ll have no idea you heard him but he can tell because your forehead scrunches

You heard him and are focused on if you should reply or not. And he knows that.

You open your eyes and just look up at him, he’s closer than expected. His hand close to yours on the floor and he reaches over and grabs it lightly. Hoping you’ll also return the gesture by holding his hand instead of leaving your hand limp inside his.

And you do, thank goodness, and Hakkai almost mentally can’t handle it.

Once you start dating it’s more so just hanging out at his house or yours; however he talks a bit more and you text a lot more. He’s gotten better at replying. It usually takes him like 15 minutes now

He’s kinda stressed about your relationship but not due to anything you or him did

He’s stressed because of the mentality his older brother gave him

Is he even allowed to be this happy?

He finally has someone thats small enough and naive enough that he can protect you; compared to constantly being protected it’s a sudden, strong, yet good change for him

He’s touch s t a r v e d

Yes Yuzuha shows affection; but he stopped accepting her hugs when he was around 8 just because he physically wasn’t able to handle it due to his bruises and such

But with you, even with his bruises and all you take care of him. Able to coax him into using medicines and toning down the physical violence (that he can control himself)

He also finds it super soothing when you lightly brush over his scars (especially those that his brother gave him), it helps him believe that scars are only physical and can fade with help

One thing that stresses him out the most is trying to hide you from his brother. Any time you leave something at the house its easy to pass it off as yuzuha's but when it comes to things like photos he has with you, he can't hang them up, show them off, or have them as his phone Lock Screen, etc. because he just really doesn't want his brother to know and target you since he'll then know that you're his weakness (aside from yuzuha as well)

Sometimes won't explain why he can't hang out and has legit pushed you out of his house before at the last minute notice of his brother coming home

Will always make sure you get home safe though, usually by having Yuzuha go with you since then she can just say you're a friend from school

Your parents love him, though they were a bit hesitant it became a "you always have a place to stay" because they learned about their family situation from you and yuzuha. So expect him to spend the night when he's too scared to deal with his brother. Same with yuzuha. (yes I know this isn't yuzuha head canons but its hard to write for him without mentioning her when they're so close)

We're talking three person sleep overs. Yuzuha and you of course share the bed and Hakkai takes some time to even set foot in your room much less sleep on a mattress that's on the floor

He has a small heart attack every time he comes into your room because he's overwhelmed with everything, he's never been so comfortable and it makes him feel restless. Like he's never and I mean n e v e r been less stressed and slept better than when he does so in your room

The smell, the colors, just being surrounded by you is something that completely changes his mood

Once showed up after he fought with his brother, tears in his eyes and clothes a bit tattered and you just pulled him to your room, and sat down with him.

You laid on your bed with him laying down onto of you, head on your chest as you rubbed his head and only said a few words "its not your fault"

He ends up crying so hard he falls asleep and gets dehydrated and you have to make him drink a bunch of water when he finally wakes up.

NSFW

super fucking careful w you

almost annoyingly so, but you're understanding

He knows that he might be taking things frustratingly slow but he knows that since you understand and know his history that you can help him get through it

Your first time you think you'll have to call it off because he's shaking so bad

"baby... are you sure it won't hurt you?" he keeps asking.

pretty sure that's the longest its ever taken him to finish because he was so anxious

despite being so slow and hesitant, late he isn't too scared to get a bit rougher

but im not talking anything crazy im talking like he's willing to pull your hair a bit or nip a bit harder at your neck.

Please never ask him to do anything like degrade you or some type of harsh physical rough shit, he can't

like literally im 99% sure that if you ask him to choke you or something he will pass out because of the anxiety attack he would have at even the thought.

in short with nsfw though he is sweet boy. He's a switch through and through. Loves when you take care of everything because then he doesn't have to be scared of hurting you.

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what---i-dated-a · 4 years ago

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Okay so I didn’t wanna derail this post because I think it’s a really good analysis of Parker’s character and her development into the Mastermind but it DID make me think of something and y’all know how I love to analyze and to go on my Nate Is Such A Dad rants so here we are

So the thing is, all three of the younger members of the team showcase different aspects of the Mastermind skillset.

Eliot is an observer, he is constantly absorbing information, analyzing it, filing it away in case it could be useful later. The repetition of ”What? It’s a very distinctive (blank)” and “What? I dated a (profession)” or similar lines are consistent evidence of this skill. He remembers things that the average person doesn’t even notice in the moment. He is constantly aware of what is going on around him, constantly watching. He knows how to insert himself into a situation as needed, knows how to adapt to unexpected circumstances. His vigilance and ability to think on his feet mirror Nate.

I’ve said it before, Hardison is the heart of the crew. He’s the one who cares. They all care, of course, but Hardison wears that on his sleeve. He’s invested. He digs deep into every case that they come across, dives into every job, does the research, forms the profiles, gets hands-on and involved even from behind his computer screen. (As an aside, I think it’s an interesting choice to take the character who has the least reason to be in the field, and make him the most visibly emotional person on the crew, rather than playing the ‘cold detached tech guy’ card.) Because he cares so much (and a little because of his ego, let’s be honest), Hardison doesn’t quit. He sees things through. Just like Nate.

Parker, meanwhile, is analytical. She’s a planner. She spends her free time plotting how to break into high security facilities for fun. Like the post I linked says, she’s the one who thinks of the details the others don’t remember to worry about. She’s (usually) able to set her emotions aside and look at things from an objective perspective. She sees the obstacles in front of her, and figures out if she needs to go over, under, through, etc. She is constantly treating the world around her as a puzzle she needs to solve. Again, a trait she shares with Nate.

And Nate is, yes. A dad. More to the point, he’s a dad with no child, a parent who lost his son, and he has no one to pass his knowledge and wisdom on to. That was taken from him. So what does he do? He finds surrogate children in his crew, and he teaches the three of them as best he can. He offers them advice, tries to help them improve and be the best they can be. Gives them little lessons and nudges them along, sets puzzles in front of them and helps them solve them. Because that’s what good dads do, and Nate is a good dad.

So then, what makes Parker the heir? It’s not that she was inherently more suited for the position than the others; they all had different traits that made them capable of ascending to that particular throne.

The difference is that Eliot and Hardison, for the most part, feel like Complete People. (I mean in their own perception, mind, not the perception of the audience, all the characters are beautifully well-rounded from a writing perspective, and no character is every really truly Complete.) They have their area of expertise, and while they dabble in other areas, they aren’t bothered by the role they play. Both of them are confident in who they are as a person, if not always happy with it (both have their fair share of anxiety and neither thinks that they’re perfect, far from it).

Hardison makes a couple of forays into stretching beyond his current abilities, but he gets in over his head and it sort of bites him in the ass. Considering how smart he is, I have to wonder if he has some of that Gifted Kid Syndrome, where if he’s not instantly perfect at something, he doesn’t want to do it. Because he tries at running things and seems to more or less decide he’s happy doing what he does.

Eliot, meanwhile, is too protective of the others to worry about being in charge. He doesn’t want to lead; if he’s in the lead, he can’t watch their backs. He teaches them a lot so that they can hopefully defend themselves if he’s not there, but at the end of the day, there’s no one he trusts more to protect them than himself. He’ll take charge when he needs to, but he’s more than happy to hand it back as soon as possible.

Parker, though? Parker doesn’t think she’s a Complete Person. She’s confident in her skills, but not much else. She’s uncomfortable with people and constantly being made aware of the fact that she’s Not Quite Normal. There’s nothing wrong with the person she is, of course, but try telling that to the people who keep giving her weird looks (including Eliot, he’s not getting off the hook for that one). She knows she’s different, and while she’s okay with who she is on a certain level, she also feels like she’s missing out on things, some of which she decides that she does, in fact, want.

So when Nate goes to teach, Eliot and Hardison learn what they need to, file that information away to pull out when it’s relevant, and more or less carry on with their business. But Parker absorbs it and makes it a part of herself. You can see, as the show progresses, how she goes from asking Nate questions just because she’s trying to solve The Puzzle That Is Nate, to asking him questions because she wants to solve the same puzzle he’s solving. Eliot and Hardison view Nate as an ally, a teammate. They don’t learn from him anymore than they do each other, or Parker and Sophie. Parker, on the other hand, very much views him as a mentor. More than the others, she sees him as what he’s trying to be to them, however subconsciously: a dad.

#leverage #excuse my rambling #I just have a lot of feelings about the dynamic between these characters #Nate Is Such A Dad #nathan ford #alec hardison #eliot spencer #parker (leverage)

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chat-noir-always-here · 4 years ago

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Debunking “Adrien is perfect”

To voice a rather non-Marinette-like opinion of Adrien: He’s not perfect. He’s never been perfect. He has, in fact, been riddled with flaws from the very beginning. Part of the reason Chat Noir gets hate is because he serves to exaggerate Adrien’s flaws and make them more obvious, destroying the perfectionism façade. And the sooner Marinette tosses the “I love the perfect Adrien” filter in the trash where it belongs, and starts actively recognizing and acknowledging his faults, the better off the endgame relationship will be.

Long post is long and I don’t like cuts, cuz i’ve lost a few posts in the past using them. Please filter the tag “long post” I use it for walls of texts like these.

First of all, flaws are just one of the many things that happen when someone either learns something the wrong way, spends too much time in the wrong environment, lack any decent role models... really there are a plethora of causes. What i mean is character shortcomings aren’t necessarily reasons to hate the character themselves. They’re more or less internal obstacles put there to be overcome in order to portray character growth. Of course spending an exaggerated amount of time with these characters without seeing them overcome particular shortcomings is frustrating it does not necessarily mean they will never be redeemed or developed and are/were deserving of hate.

Except for Gabriel. That creature belongs behind bars.

Most of Adrien’s flaws come from his toxic home situation:

The Miraculous Wiki puts Adrien at fifteen. Meaning Adrien has only been actively leaving the house (for public school and the occasional social get-together) for about a year. His fourteenth birthday was one of the earliest episodes and im assuming his fifteenth birthday happened off screen between the s3 finale and the new york special.

Regardless the majority of his life was spent in isolation and his only company was his immediate family, Nathalie, Felix and Chloe. None of whom are particularly good role models except for Emilie. Maybe.

He’s rather overworked for a 14 y.o. boy. On top of school, he has fencing, piano and Chinese lessons. This leaves him with very little time for himself.

He lost his mother. In Feast, Adrien expresses Emilie was a source of joy in his life--”Only Mom can make me laugh like that.” Felix marked the one year anniversary of her disappearance. Worse still, we’re led to assume all Adrien knows is that Emilie disappeared. Did she abandon him? Was she kidnapped and killed? He doesn’t know. He has no closure regarding her absence.

On top of losing his mother, his only remaining parent is an emotionally manipulative and abusive prick. Gabriel has denied Adrien a birthday party, threatened to take Adrien out of school just because he can, never lets him have friends over for any reason, hardly ever makes time for Adrien and only once in a blue moon will actually sit and eat a meal with the poor kid.

And on top of all of this he’s not out of the woods yet. He’s still living with his abusive father. He’s still not allowed to see his friends outside of school much. He’s still got a packed schedule. He still doesn’t have closure regarding his mother’s “disappearance.”

Looking at it like this paints Adrien in a rather sympathetic light.

Marinette doesn’t know Gabriel is Hawk Moth either, but she does understand Adrien is lonely, isolated and in need of a source of love and comfort. She also understands to some degree that his heart is delicate, so she constantly handles him with kid gloves and looks on him with a perfection filter.

We see how Mari reacts to upsetting Adrien in Malediktator when she softly whispers an apology after Adrien expresses his sorrow over everyone celebrating Chloe’s departure. She’s seems pained and distraught over causing him to be upset. Thus the reason Marinette calls Adrien perfect isn’t that she never sees any of his flaws--she just cannot acknowledge or process them under these conditions. Shes too busy trying not to hurt him. She also has shown some signs of having extreme anxiety, which messes with ones head and makes it difficult--nearly impossible--to think straight. She wants to be the source of love and comfort he desires (and already is in a way) so his faults go unprocessed.

But what are Adrien’s flaws?

1. He has trouble standing up for himself.

He’ll take a stand for others.

He stood up to Chloe on Mylene’s behalf in Horrificator and on Marinette/ Cheng Sifu’s behalf in Kung Food. He stood up to Lila in Oni-chan and Ladybug. He stood up to Gabriel in Simon Says--but as Chat Noir, not Adrien.

There have only been two-ish instances of Adrien, not Chat Noir, standing up for himself. I say -ish only because he was kinda standing up for Lila in the first and Chloe in the second.

First in Volpina he stood up to Ladybug for how she handled the situation with Lila. He personally believed she handled the situation poorly (which she did--there were/are serious consequences for that. still) and although he was kinda wishy-washy in conveying that it was only because he was scared of sounding too much like Chat Noir. Her partner. Her chief-of-staff. Who can and will call her out on such behavior.

Second in Malediktator, when he more or less told Marinette she was wrong to be happy about Chloe leaving. Granted this was partly him standing up for Chloe, but aside from her—he, Adrien, was deeply upset chloe was leaving on such bad terms and made sure Marinette understood that.

Abused children tend to be somewhat submissive/agreeable/etc. They have trouble speaking out when they’re uncomfortable or don’t want something or think a particular action is wrong. Usually because they are anticipating some kind of punishment for speaking out or afraid of offending the other person to the point that said person wants nothing to do with them anymore, or both.

For Adrien to fix this particular flaw, he needs to prioritize himself and his own wants more. However he also needs someone who doesn’t chastise him for doing things he likes, tending to his own needs and setting boundaries. Kagami is not that person--she’s actually quite demanding of him and cold. Her understanding of relationships isnt great either, which is why these two really aren’t that great for each other.

2. He puts his faith in the wrong people

Adrien’s fucking household is about as toxic as it can get (please don’t take this as a challenge, S4). On top of his immediate family consisting of his abusive, toxic, terrorist father, there’s his cousin Felix. Felix who squished cheese under Adrien’s pillow, stole his phone, pretended to be him and sent an outrageous and awful video to his friends.

There’s also his mother Emilie whom, despite his love and adoration of her, lied to him for who knows how long and messed around with a broken miraculous to the point it forced her into an indefinite coma and left Adrien at his father’s mercy. There are theories that she did this for her family but nothing concrete or canon has been proven--all we know is that Emilie had been having frequent dizzy spells while she was still awake and using the peacock miraculous, and that she anticipated her fate and Gabriel apparently promised to save her.

There’s Lila, as well. “She’s not dangerous. She just craves attention.” Wrong, Adrien, she’s very dangerous. She is conspiring with your father to spy on you, attempted to get Marinette expelled from school, tricked you into leaving Ladybug alone with a supervillain whom she personally requested to kill Ladybug, pinned Marinette against a bathroom wall and almost got her akumatized, actually got Marinette akumatized and nearly cost you both the Ladybug Miraculous and TIkki. She isn’t just dangerous she is an actual threat, whether or not she is the future Hawk Moth who sent Timetagger after you when you were children with time-sensitive powers. Adrien has a slightly better understanding of that after the events of Ladybug and Oni-chan, so hopefully he will be on his guard at least in regards to Lila.

The reason for Adrien’s overly trusting nature may lie in the fact that literally everyone closest to him, everyone for the first thirteen years or so, was toxic and/or a liar. You know what happens when you can’t trust anyone around you? You live with it. You accept all these bad people as they are, without making any effort to establish healthy boundaries. Adrien certainly lived with it--how’s an abused, isolated boxed-and-sheltered son supposed to know what healthy boundaries are when he’s lacking any healthy connections? I bet he can just barely endure all the anguish but he can’t stand to be alone so he just tolerates it. Not to mention the most guilty is his father. Where else is he supposed to go?

Like a frog sitting in a pot of water, you don’t realize you’re in trouble until the water is too hot. So you just accept it--all the bad feelings--you accept it, live with it and it still hurts but you rarely complain. Because anything is better than being alone.

I think Adrien understands, deep down, that the love he is clinging to, the love provided by his relatives, isn’t really there. But if he looks at it too long and lets this knowledge sink in he’ll lose it. He really did lose it in Chat Blanc-- just that sky-crashing-down-on-him realization that he didn’t have his fathers love, hadn’t had it for a long time, just completely ruined our boy.

Of course the knowledge is there. It’s literally right there in front of his face and it’s only a matter of time before he is forced to turn and look and face the music. At which point I hope Marinette knows who he is and has a plan to save him otherwise Chat Blanc is just going to happen again.

3. Yes, he takes the flirting too far sometimes

No--that doesn’t make him toxic.

Yes, Adrien overreacted to Ladybug never showing up in Glaciator. He shouldn’t have been upset with her in Frozen for not accepting the rose. He should have told her the damn truth about being forced to leave the city at the same time she was in the New York special.

However, he also apologized for overreacting in both Glaciator and Frozen. And again, abused kids live in anticipation of punishment for their mistakes. Adrien’s father has taught him that the slightest mistake can result in loss of freedom or trust, even if its circumstances beyond his control. And he now understands that Ladybug isn’t going to blindly punish him for being honest with her, which he now knows to do.

He makes mistakes, apologizes for them, and learns from them. That’s not fucking toxic--it’s natural, human and allowed.

He’s flirty and suggestive, yes, but the minute she signals she doesn’t want it or isn’t feeling it he stops. He has had immense trouble with not flirting with her, despite her telling him she isn’t interested multiple times. That much is true. But he truly and deeply cares for her and he would never force himself on her and it isn’t because he knows she’ll kick his ass if he does. It’s because unlike the vast majority of his family, he’s actually a decent human being.

He has even begun to “flirt platonically,” toasting their partnership and friendship rather than offering a romantic relationship she can never say yes to. If that isn’t the most soft and respectful fluff I don’t know what is.

4. He is leading Kagami on

Did he cheat? I’m actually not sure. Thomas is being vague in his tweets and won’t give us a decent answer (because he likes “watching fandom burn”--i mean MOOD but clarify please).

Here’s what we know and have observed: 1. Chat Noir told Ladybug “I have a girlfriend” 2. He immediately followed that up with “It’s not good at all. I just said that to make you jealous” 3. He allowed Kagami to kiss him in the new york special 4. but he has trouble telling girls not to touch him--been a problem since episode one. Yes its generally cheek kisses chloe gives him but sometimes its not and he looked downright uncomfortable in a lot of cases of physical contact with her and with Lila 5. he seemed rather comfortable with kagami kissing him--except he did say no to her kissing him in the finale 6. but he’s also trying to move on from Ladybug and be with Kagami 7. If he were in a relationship with Kagami, he’d likely keep it a secret because both of their parents are controlling of them and may not allow it 8. His understanding of relationships and girls is kinda dreadful due to not having his mom around for advice and his father’s general lack of a concept of what healthy romantic relationships and boundaries are, and, as Nino put it, not being able to understand signals very well

Adrien’s current relationship status is up in the air. I’m about eighty percent certain he’s dating Kagami--but there’s still that twenty percent chance he’s not.

Putting aside the question of whether or not he and Kagami are official, Adrien’s been attempting to move past his feelings for Ladybug. Which--won’t sugarcoat it--he kinda sucks at. At the same time, Kagami is aware he is in love with another but lacks the understanding that his moving on will take time.

The main issues here is that Adrien knows who he wants but can’t have her. Kagami is a wonderful person herself and he wants to get to know her better, but they aren’t really a good match and they are both going to get hurt in the end (Love Victor anyone???). Until that happens we are going to have some questionable moments in the show, and we just need to remember that Adrien is a child with a poor understanding of relationships, and not an evil person. Kagami doesn’t necessarily have a great understanding of them either--”Your indecision hurts me Adrien,” “Adrien you and I are perfect for each other!”--and she has flaws of her own she needs to unlearn.

For the time being, Adrien is leading Kagami on (it needs to be said--even if they aren’t dating he’s flirted with her, given her roses etc.) I say leading her on because, no matter how much Adrien believes Marinette is just a friend and they weren’t flirting in New York, loyal boyfriends who wish to be monogamous don’t dance with other women.

Or look this happy when that other woman touches them

Does this make Adrien a deceitful and hateful character? No. Does this make him an unworthy character? No. It makes him an abused child with little to no concept of healthy relationships.

Also Adrien’s friends, including Marinette, have no reason to believe he is dating Kagami. They know he is interested in her and she in him, but as Nino said, Adrien has a hard time picking up signals and understanding their meaning. Not to mention the boy is fifteen. Flirting skills, understanding boundaries, and other relationship concepts are a challenge even for ordinary fifteen year olds in healthy environments to grasp--case in point: Marinette.

Adrigami and Lukanette are simply not going to end well. The Love Square is the endgame and ultimately both Lukanette and Adrigami are going to fall apart to make that happen--I knew that going into the possible Adrigami and Lukanette territory that the finale created.

Kagami is a strong, intelligent person--she’s likely going to be the one to end it given what we’ve seen. I don’t like to think about what might happen then--she may be akumatized and Chat Noir would feel rather guilty and may not be able to fight her. But they will both come out of it with something they needed--Kagami will understand (as Marinette needs to) that Adrien isn’t her perfect soul mate incapable of making mistakes. Adrien will understand relationships better.

Its unfortunate that this has to happen in order for Adrien to learn due lessons, given that he actually does have someone who can talk to him about girls and relationships and loyalty: Nino.

Given what Nino wasted no time in scolding Mari for spying on Adrien and Lila when she confessed doing so in Chameleon, as well as how he treats Alya, I undoubtedly believe Nino would be the one to come out and say “You can’t dance with Marinette when you’re with Kagami.”

Assuming he is with Kagami.

In conclusion: Adrien is flawed but not deserving of hate. He is a traumatuzed child stuck in a toxic household who lacks proper mentors. Marinette, Alya and Nino are out of the loop about his potential relationship with Kagami. And Marinette and Kagami both need to acknowledge Adrien is imperfect. Nino and Adrien need to do guy talk like two seasons ago.

Also Marinette probably has some intense anxiety issues. But more on that later.

#long post #adriennette #love square #miraculous ladybug #mlb new york #marinette dupain cheng #adrien agreste

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notcanoncompliant · 5 years ago

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Flight (And What That Means To You)

Merry Christmas to @darker-soft-starker! <3

@starkersecretsanta

(I read your prompt and my brain took off, totally deviated from the rom-com feel, I hope you still like it!!)

warnings: mild violence, anxiety attack symptoms (kind of)

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The Prompt:

Canon Divergence AU - Tony and Peter are neighbors. Tony is not obscenely rich, just a regular Joe, maybe a cop or something and lives across the hall from Peter's apartment. Peter is still Spider-Man and regularly gets caught by Tony limping back to his apartment bloody and beaten, peter gets stuck to his doorknob and there are a lot of awkward moments etc

And away we go...

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Like many important things, Tony’s life resets with a ‘bang’.

On his back, ears ringing, staring up at inky-grey smoke that eats up whatever view there had been of the stars, he takes ragged half-breaths and wonders if he’s done enough, if this was the right way for him to go. When his vision tunnels and his consciousness begins to recede, he still doesn’t have an answer.

You’re lucky.

It’s what everyone keeps telling him. Lucky he was far enough away from the blast that he didn’t lose any pieces, lucky his vest held up just enough to keep the shrapnel from burying itself in his chest.

Lucky.

He might be, but it’s hard to feel it when he still hurts like there’s a baby grand parked on his ribs. Harder still when he wakes up, over and over and over, with the taste--the grit--of sand and copper in his mouth the echo of too-hot sun on his skin or the stinging, freezing cling of ice water on his face (in his mouth, his eyes, his stomach, his lungs--he can’t, he can’t, pleasenomorehecan’t).

It takes him four days to wake calmly enough he doesn’t bolt upright, doesn’t frantically pull off sensors and yank the drip out of his arm, doesn’t get held back down and sedated.

It takes four days for him to get his hands on a notepad and a pen.

When he does, he draws a metal behemoth shooting into the open sky.

He has no idea what it means, but he feels free.

‘Indefinite medical leave’ should’ve been a punch to the gut, a slap to the face. By the time they’d gotten around to giving him the mandatory psych eval, though (and it had gone as swimmingly as expected), he’d been out of the hospital for three weeks, and well-acclimated to feeling like he’d taken a fist to the stomach.

Before, he might’ve argued, fought, done his best to prove that he could still be an asset to the team, that his mid-forties are practically his prime, god damn it!

He doesn’t, though. None of it seems as important as it used to.

Being taken off the force is the least of his concerns, not when the tug to vent the dreams (visions, almost) onto paper-canvas-something is so strong he shakes with it.

The dreams are wild. Vivid and jarring. He draws bits and pieces of them all.

He’s got the time to do it, now.

Rogers is the first to stop contacting him. Barnes follows suit.

Clint hangs on a little longer, but ultimately stops coming around after the first month.

Rhodey doesn’t feel like a loss, for all that he and Tony have undeniably drifted apart. Rhodey’s got his family; Carol and the kids. He has time for coffee, for a quick chat sometimes. He doesn’t ask after the dreams. Tony doesn’t blame him.

Nat sticks around a little longer. Stops by every couple weeks. Comes in and drinks his crappy instant coffee and looks at whatever he’s working on. Sees him go from pencil sketches to paint.

When she sees his latest piece, she arches a brow at him.

It’s a glove, she says, flatly. The hint of good-natured amusement sparking in her eyes is nice, even if it’s not enough to counteract the rest of her reaction.

She’s a better liar than the others, because she lies with her whole body, her whole self. It’s only because Tony knows where to look does he see the wariness in the way her glance keeps flicking back to the canvas, catching on the bronze shape, on the spots of bright color that contrast so sharply.

The visit ends more quickly than usual (and they were never long to begin with), the redhead gone after a well-crafted excuse and a lingering hug. Tony knows he’ll see her again, but it still feels like a goodbye, of sorts.

He’s not bitter about any of it, doesn’t blame or begrudge his team for not staying; their jobs, their lives didn’t end when Tony took that blast, when a cut-and-dry shipyard raid (as cut and dry as any raid can be) went a little sideways.

And, if he’s being honest, the relative handful of times he’s seen any of them after his retirement (after four months he’s given up calling it ‘leave’, given up assuming he’ll ever even try to come back), there’s something hanging silently over them, dragging between them.

The feeling of distance (and slight relief when they part) is mutual, Tony thinks.

There’s one constant, outside the dreams. One figure flitting in and out of the corners of his days, his nights, his mind.

His neighbor, Peter, is a mystery. A gorgeous, twenty-something, world-weary mystery who’s eyes flicker too sharply over the whole of Tony’s body whenever Tony opens the door to find him standing there at completely ridiculous hours.

(Not that Tony’s got a healthy circadian rhythm to disrupt, anymore).

It feels less like random kindness and more like he’s been assigned security detail, the kid’s greeting and polite inquiry--How are you today, Mr. Stark? (because he can’t get the kid to call him ‘Tony’)--accompanied by eyes moving too sharply over the whole of Tony’s body, checking for damage, before he’s off again to do whatever it is he does.

Tony’s not really sure what to do with it at first, how to respond. He’s not used to being watched over, is typically the one doing the watching, the protecting. It’s especially difficult the first couple of times, because the kid--Peter--always looks a little worse for wear; favoring one or more of his limbs, and at least one visible, fresh bruise, small scrape or cut marring his features.

He does him the courtesy of not asking about them, because Peter doesn’t ask invasive questions and obviously tries very hard not to look past Tony and into the apartment, important concessions to Tony’s privacy. It’s only fair to let Peter have his, feels like an even (if increasingly painful) trade-off.

He also doesn’t want to do anything to risk losing this. He’s glad his ‘detail’ keeps showing up. Keeps existing.

After a while, it becomes routine. Once a day, Peter knocks, Tony opens, and they have their exchange. It’s...a spot of light in Tony’s world, even if it feels sort of heavy.

The lightness is due in part to the way that, regardless of apparent injury or hour of the day, Peter always offers Tony a genuine smile, even if it’s also quick or small or tired.

Sometimes, though, the smiles are more grimace than anything else. There are bands of steel behind those ones, and Tony wonders how (why) this kid got so strong, and why it doesn’t seem like there’s anyone telling him he doesn’t have to be. On those days, Tony thinks about inviting him in, offering to take a look at the injuries; he’s got first aid training and still keeps his own supplies in his place.

(He doesn’t ever offer to drive Peter to the hospital; the option never seems to occur to him until after Peter’s already vanished, down the hall or into his own apartment across from Tony’s.)

There’s something that stops him, something beyond the respect for Peter’s privacy. Something about the faint blush that appears on Peter’s cheeks sometimes during their short conversations, something about the way his own eyes sometimes drift over Peter’s form in return.

He wonders, sometimes, what Peter would think of the paintings.

He's imagined it a few times; showing him, watching him see them. He doesn't know if Peter's into art at all (not that Tony even really is, not in the technical sense), but it wouldn't really matter; Tony's fantasies don't usually revolve around the younger’s critique of his work.

More than anything, he wants to see Peter in his minimalist-but-cluttered space, sitting on his couch or leaning against his kitchen counter, propped against the windowsill, a mug of something hot in his hands and a truly relaxed smile on his face.

Sometimes the fantasies are less innocent, but...something in him just wants to see Peter safe.

“Okay, we need to talk about this.”

They’re standing in Tony’s doorway, another ass-crack-of-dawn ‘status check’, and there’s blood actually trailing down from Peter’s left sleeve, dripping off the kid’s fingers.

Peter fidgets in place. “...About what?”

In spite of his concern, Tony nearly snorts a laugh at the completely terrible evasion.

He reigns it in, arches his brows. “You’re getting you on the carpet.”

The kid shoots a quick glance downwards at his hand, blanching slightly. “Shit.”

“Yeah.”

“It’s--it’s really nothing, I just--”

“‘Nothing’ is a papercut, Peter,” Tony snaps. “Putting aside the bruises, fat lip, and the fact you’re obviously favoring your right leg, you’re standing here with blood running down your arm. That’s not ‘nothing’.”

He’s tired and frustrated and afraid, finally venting these feelings after weeks of this, weeks of wondering if Peter’s just going to stop showing up, weeks of being on edge between visits even if they come like clockwork because he just can’t lose these moments, he can’t--and he doesn’t realize he’s moved forward into Peter’s space, how close he is until he finishes speaking.

Peter’s staring at him with saucer-wide eyes, a pink stain on his cheeks, his slightly wheezing breath fanning across Tony’s chin.

Tony backs off quickly, hands in the air. “Fuck, I’m sorry--”

“It’s okay,” Peter says, and Tony watches the bob of his throat as he swallows. “You--I’m okay. I know it doesn’t look like it, but I am. You don’t need to worry about me Mr. Stark.”

The determined set of Peter’s jaw is both compelling and frustrating, and Tony just barely manages to muscle back his urge to argue further.

“Just...I’m here,” he says, finally. “If you need to talk. If you need anything. Please.”

Something desperate and pained slashes across Peter’s features, and then it’s gone. The younger man nods, short and tense, turns and disappears into his apartment.

Tony stares at the closed door for another moment, before stepping out and shutting his own door, heading down the hall.

Air. Air will be good.

Air is good. It’s always good. Always helps after the dreams, chills away the sweat, clears his head.

It doesn’t do quite as much, now, when his worries are linked to reality instead of a dreamscape, but it feels good nonetheless.

He stands on the roof of the complex, high up, until the edge of the sky begins to change color. Like he does every time he comes up here, he thinks about his favorite of the dreams, the brief period when his nights were filled with the exhilaration of flight.

He hopes Peter has somewhere like this, that he has something good to return to, his own version of reaching the sky.

"Mr. Stark, I don't feel so good..."

Wind. Reddish puffs of dust in the air, unnaturally colored sky--everything is wrong, everything is ending, failure, failed, no--

"I don't wanna go, please--I don't wanna go!"

He can't lose him, he can't lose the kid--it's his fault, Tony's fault--he shouldn't have been here, he shouldn't have--

Tony bolts upright, gasping past the taste of dust in the air--gritty on his tongue, in his throat, burning his eyes.

With a clumsy, half-conscious drive, he drags himself up off the couch to the easel, practically throwing the painting of the glove (gauntlet) to the side and slapping a blank canvas up.

He doesn't start this one with a pencil sketch, no swipes of graphite or charcoal. The paint ends up on his bare hands, coating his fingers, and then he's frantically tracing and contouring a face, neck, shoulders, craggy grey rock and more of that reddish dirt--shades of beige and brown, orange and red and blue, grey and black twisting (crumbling) away.

Time is nothing, a non-entity; all Tony knows is the need to touch, to hold, to stop the inevitable--

When it's finished, the energy drains with disorienting suddenness. It's difficult to keep his arms extended, so he doesn't; he pulls them towards himself, hunching over with a sob and burying his trembling, paint-tacky hands in his hair.

The dreams have only ever been abstract; images in a mental blender. Vague human shapes and random objects, landscapes--weird, vivid amalgamations of feelings and colors and sensations. Tasting the dirt, feeling the loss; those things are par for the course.

But none of the people in them have ever had a voice; no one has ever said a word.

He couldn’t make out clear features of the face, even staring head on...but the voice that still rings in his head sounds a lot like Peter’s, and now that the frenzy is over, it’s almost paralyzing.

After an indeterminate number of minutes, the dream fades in the way dreams do, and he uncurls with a heaving sigh and stands, drags himself to the kitchen counter to make coffee.

He's already painted it out, it’s usually enough, but when he sits back down in front of the easel, he feels sick, anxious. His hands are unsteady, knuckles white where he grips the handle of his mug, the liquid inside it rippling slightly.

Patches of the paint are still shiny-wet on the canvas, and part of him wishes it would stay that way, something about the wetness making it seem alive. It's blurred, as though he’s looking at the image from behind frosted glass, but there’s an obvious shape, the body of the owner of that heart-rendingly familiar, rasping voice. It's faceless; a kernel of (relative) normality he clings to, so he can try to convince himself this painting doesn't feel like the manifestation of his greatest failure, of a grave error that doesn't really belong to him but still spreads, aching, behind his ribs.

He's sore everywhere--his shoulders and neck from being hunched over, his arms from being held aloft for far too long. His hands ache, too, and they’re dry, paint cracking and peeling in an ugly neutral blend of the colors he'd smeared on his fingers.

He showers, manages to get the paint out of his hair.

But he can’t watch as the color flecks and melts (disintegrates) from his hands and disappears down the drain.

Every day.

Every day for the last four days.

The dreams and the art are a cycle: he dreams, he draws, he gets a few days respite while he finishes the piece...and then he wakes again from a new nightmare or dreamscape and starts over.

He’d finished the first painting the same day...but he keeps having the same dream. Keeps hearing Peter beg to stay, keeps feeling the body in his hands crumble away to nothing. The taste of dirt in his mouth won’t leave, isn’t touched by coffee or food. He’s got five variations of the same painting piled in the corner of his apartment, and he’d been sure that if he doesn’t do something, he’s going to live the same horror over and over and over.

So he’s doing something.

He’s maybe ending this vicious repetition, but he’s also making up for the way he’s been ending their conversations more quickly, the way he’s been holding back and hiding, pretending he doesn’t see the flicker of hurt on Peter’s face when Tony’s the one who evades, bids farewell and closes the door.

He’s the one knocking, now.

“Mr. St--Tony?”

Seeing Peter like this--standing there in a t-shirt and boxers in the doorway of his apartment, less bruised than normal, looking confused and alive, he looks amazing--blows whatever plans Tony had away, ash on the wind.

He doesn’t think, just sighs Peter’s name and pulls the younger man forward into a tight hug, buries a hand in his hair, presses his face in the softness, too, everything in his head spinning with relief and joy and a painful kind of apology--

--before he notices how stiff Peter’s gone in his arms.

Probably because, in the months since they’ve been doing this, they’ve never actually engaged in physical contact...or had a real conversation beyond the single argument those days ago. Peter doesn’t know about the dreams; he doesn’t know anything, and Tony must seem like he’s having a mental break.

Before he can make himself let go, though, Peter’s arms snap up to wrap around him, tight, so tight it makes Tony’s ribs ache.

It ends too soon, Peter pulling away to stare at him with suddenly wet, red-rimmed eyes and hope so sharp it hurts to look at.

“Are you--do you know? Do you remember?”

Cold trickles down Tony’s spine.

He knows, without a doubt, he should. He should remember, and he doesn’t. It feels like another failure that he can’t say ‘yes’, that he can’t bring himself to answer that hope with something other than tense silence.

His heart breaks when Peter steps back after a few seconds, looking embarrassed and a little panicked.

“Never mind, I’m sorry--”

“Wait, no,” Tony blurts, barely resisting the urge to pull Peter back in. “Don’t--Look, I can’t...I don’t know what you’re talking about, but maybe you could tell me? I just…” He sighs, frustrated at himself, at the feeling that he’s missing something huge and that huge thing is Peter-shaped

“I just need to be around you for a little while,” he finally says. “Is that okay?”

He’s sure he’s going to get a door shut in his face; Peter’s expression is torn, aching, and Tony wouldn’t blame him in the slightest.

But he’s lucky.

“Um, yeah,” Peter says carefully after another long moment, something like resignation coloring his tone. “Come in, please.”

The layout of Peter’s apartment is a mirror of Tony’s, but significantly less cluttered. Pretty minimal, actually, less like a choice in aesthetic and more like he’s only just moved in: a futon and a desk for furnishing, a small microwave and coffee pot on the counter, no pictures on the walls or taped to the fridge.

Tony’s not judging, can’t; he’s never lived particularly extravagantly either, and his studio only looks lived in because of the art supplies taking up a good third of it.

As for the lack of personal touches, of photos, memories...If anything, it makes Tony feel a further sense of closeness, of camaraderie. He doesn’t have pictures up either, not anymore; can’t look at the ones of he and the team, of he and Rhodey through the years. Not since everything changed.

The futon draws his gaze, again, still pulled down flat, like Peter’s just woken up, or had just laid down for bed. Tony stares at the pillow and rumpled, pulled-back comforter, and feels a twist of guilt (not enough to leave, but it’s still there).

“I’m sorry about the mess,” Peter’s saying as he closes the door and moves to stand a little off to the side. “I wasn’t expecting company at...um. Whatever time it is.”

Cracking a joke would be ideal to diffuse the tension, or maybe even giving a generic, polite response (‘it’s fine’, ‘I don’t mind’, or, ‘you have a lovely home, literal man of my dreams’), but when Tony pulls his gaze from the futon, Peter’s lips are curved in a tight smile, his stance awkward, yearning, like he’s trying not to approach Tony, but he wants to.

“Can I touch you again?” Tony asks.

He realizes how it sounds as soon as he’s blurted it out, and as he watches Peter blush, lips parting in silent surprise, he wishes he meant it that way; that he was only trying to finagle his way into further messing up Peter’s bedspread, wanting to touch for a reason so mundane as arousal, instead of out of the powerful desire to reassure himself of Peter’s continued existence.

Before he can apologize or rephrase, he’s got an armful of shaking, but warm and solid, Peter.

Peter’s face--his cheeks, his nose, his lips--are warm, pressing into the bare skin at the junction of Tony’s neck and shoulder, a sensation that takes Tony’s breath away more so than the return of the tight bands of Peter’s arms, one low around Tony’s waist, the other angled up between his shoulder blades.

Fabric tightens across his shoulders and a little at his neck, like Peter’s gripping a handful of his shirt, and Tony feels more than hears the younger speak.

“Yes, please. Touch me.”

Tony swallows thickly and hugs Peter back. The ‘thank you’ is burning in the back of his throat, threatening to spill out...so he lets it. Breathes it strained and hollow into Peter’s hair, the kind of ‘relieved’ that hurts so much worse before it gets better, and Peter shivers in his hold.

It shouldn’t feel so good. It shouldn’t feel better to hold Peter, this virtual stranger, than it does to even think of being near his family, his old friends (his other friends, other; they’re not gone, they’re just...distant--not gone, not gone, not wrong), but it does. It feels right, in a way nothing else seems to feel anymore.

“I’m sorry,” he hears himself say, “I’m so sorry, Peter, I’m sorry…”

He’s sure he’s holding on tight enough now that it has to hurt, but he can’t make himself stop. His hand ends up back in Peter’s hair, fingers twisting into the soft brown curls, his other hand gripping at the back of Peter’s thin, worn t-shirt, and suddenly he needs more. Needs more proof, needs more confirmation that he’s not dreaming, that Peter’s not going to crumble apart in his arms. He’s just not sure how to say it, if he can--

He flinches when he feels Peter shift, feels him nosing at his throat, feels lips parting.

“I miss you,” Peter whispers, ragged and strained, breath warm against Tony’s skin, and it doesn’t make sense, but it does.

The fading bruises on Peter’s skin taste the same as the pale, unblemished places, are just as soft when Tony’s lips and tongue brush over them, and this isn’t what he’d meant to do, but it’s what’s happening now and neither of them appear inclined to stop it.

They should be talking; Tony should be wondering about the question Peter asked when they hugged for the first time. He should be panicking about how Peter apparently knows him enough to mourn him (he’d said ‘I miss you’ the way Tony talks to his mother, like he was talking to a gravestone) even though Tony had definitely never met him before he left the force, before the dreams. Would’ve remembered a face like his (an everything like his, really).

But they’re not talking. Instead, he’s tangled with Peter on the futon, dragging his lips from bloom to bloom of fading green-yellow-purple down Peter’s torso, his scalp tingling with every reflexive tightening of the fingers in his hair, the disbelief and awed arousal on Peter's face as much an aphrodisiac as the taste of his skin, the texture of it under Tony's hands.

Every motion feels like something slotting into place, the restless places in Tony's mind settling a little further, the empty spaces filling with heat and emotions too big for how little he really knows this person--this beautiful, strong, wonderful being.

Tony’s not panicking. He’s not wondering. He still doesn’t know how this is happening, still doesn’t know Peter beyond the last few months, barely knows him now, but nothing has felt this easy, this right, in a long time.

When Peter spills, warm and liquid, over where their hands are wrapped together around their twin hardness, Tony swallows Peter's soft gasp, kisses him and groans Peter's name as he finds his own release.

There are things he needs to say, things he needs to show Peter, the way he knows there are things Peter needs to show him, tell him.

The enormity is there, a strangely relieving weight, blanketing as they sink into each other in soft, post-coital haze.

It's complicated. It’s bigger than the dreams, bigger than anything Tony can fathom.

But when Tony fades, curled together on the futon, Peter's head under his chin and one of Peter’s hands resting on his sternum…

He dreams of flight.

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#starker #starker secret santa 2019 #tony stark x peter parker #ironspider #nff #tony stark #peter parker #starker fic #multiverse au #canon divergence au

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meta-squash · 4 years ago

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Brick Club 1.3.9 “Joyful End Of Joy”

This title is such a weird choice. This time it’s not a translation thing, but a Hugo thing. He decides not to focus on Fantine’s reaction to the surprise, but on the other girls’ reactions. It’s weird, but I think it also works, because it serves to highlight how unusual Fantine’s reaction really is. The rest of the girls shake off the abandonment pretty quickly, because none of them made the same attachments as Fantine. Her devastation is highlighted by their mirth.

The men keep up the pretense long enough to even turn and wave at the women, laughing. I get the impression they’re giggling at their prank, but the girls probably think they’re just being jaunty. Also, I wish I had a better visual of the area. I imagine them kind of blending in with the crowd, maybe turning a corner or something out of sight, and then heading to wait for the stagecoach.

Again, Hugo shows the difference between Fantine and the others. While Fantine repeats herself with “Don’t be long,” the other grisettes are more preoccupied with what the surprise might be. Also, so far Fantine’s really only had two lines, since one was about the horse, and the next two lines are nearly identical to each other.

“You’d think piles of chains were flying off into the heavens.” I love the visual of this line so much. There are so many visuals in this book that I wish I had the skill to draw. This line’s an interesting one. My first instinct is to say that the metaphor feels backwards? “Piles of chains flying off into the heavens” sounds to me like saying these men that could have held these women down are leaving. But that seems backward. Unless perhaps that’s the opinion of the other grisettes aside from Fantine? My other thought is that maybe it’s not really a good thing or a backward metaphor. These chains which are the men are flying off, but the next ones could be even worse, could leave the rest of them in the type of situation that Fantine is now left in. These specific chains have flown off into the heavens, but that doesn’t mean there aren’t more waiting in the wings.

The fact that Fantine gets the most important, foreshadowing line is interesting to me because it’s a very specific observation. “That’s strange,” she said. “I thought the stagecoaches never stopped.” The group has just spent the last 8 chapters mocking Fantine’s head-in-the-clouds state of being and how she doesn’t notice anything. And yet she notices this little detail and points out that the stagecoaches don’t usually stop. (I like this from the headcanon that she’s autistic, too. Social cues etc are harder to pick up on, but a change in a weird little detail like when the stagecoaches stop is something she notices because it’s wrong but no one else notices or cares.)

Favourite then insults Fantine and says she knows nothing of life and essentially calls her a simpleton while making fun of her observation. What is Favourite’s problem? She’s really the only one aside from Tholomyes who gets actual dialogue mocking Fantine. God, this whole group is so awful. The next line is “Some time passed this way.” I can’t tell if Hugo is saying that some time passed where they were just staring out the window, or if he’s saying some time passed where they were making fun of Fantine. Either way, this constant picking on Fantine is so cruel, from all of them. Especially Favourite and Tholomyes. It seems like Favourite is in the best situation out of all of them, too: she’s the eldest, has her own home, and is cheating on Blacheville with Tholomyes. Maybe she’s guilty and that’s why she’s so aggressive towards Fantine; she’s trying to convince herself there’s a reason she’s doing this thing with Tholomyes. I don’t know.

It seems like Fantine has never really had stable friendships in her life. These girls have been having affairs with the students for two years. It might be the longest Fantine has every really had a friendly, familiar, consistent relationship with other grisettes outside of work. And it seems like the other grisettes, particularly Favourite, really take advantage of that naivety to mock her.

Why is Favourite the only one so preoccupied with the surprise? She was the one to ask for it properly, to announce it the morning of and get everyone up early, to keep reminding everyone of it, and now to read the letter. Nobody else seems to be as obsessed with the surprise as her. No one else has dialogue mentioning it. She’s like the “leader” of this little group, so it stands to reason that she’s Tholomyes’ counterpart and that would make her be the one who thinks about the surprise kind of in tandem with the fact that Tholomyes is the one orchestrating it. But I still think it’s odd that nobody else seems to care as much as she does. It almost sounds like an insecurity, a point of anxiety for her? Everyone but Fantine seems to be expecting Gifts. I actually wonder now if this is why they are unsurprised by the letter being a parting one. What they think is going to happen is that they are going to get parting gifts; instead they get this letter and a paid for meal. It’s a letdown, but the leaving is expected, I think.

Before I get into the letter, I just want to point out how weirdly classical the line “they desire our return and offer to kill the fatted calf for us” is. The rest of the letter just sounds like a regular letter, but that line in particular sounds like I’m reading Homer or something.

The men start off their letter explicitly pointing out the class differences between the themselves and the grisettes. Despite the fact that Favourite’s mother lives with her, the men obviously don’t see that as similar to their own, rich parents. Hugo says earlier that Fantine is, essentially, a child of France. The students seem to see all of the women in that way, as crude orphans who have been taken in and socialized by Paris. The men then contradict themselves, quoting their parents as calling them “prodigal sons” and then in the next sentence calling themselves “virtuous.”

I can’t find anything on the Bossuet line; I assume it’s a pun that I don’t know enough French and/or Bossuet literature to understand. “Fleeing to the arms of Laffitte,” I assume, means running back to high society, back to rich families and political connections and all that stuff. They’re no longer slumming in Paris with working girls, they’re going back to the safety of the society of banking and politics and all that. I don’t know what the “wings of Caillard” is referencing, because the only Caillard I can find is Gaspar Caillard, whose writings aren’t translated into English.

The gall of them to straight up call the girls “the abyss,” man I hate these men. They see these women as a fun little jaunt into lower society. These women, who are without family (or the same kind of family as these men), who are very poor and probably teetering on the edge of penniless, are the closest these students can get to this “abyss.” I bet they think they did some sort of fucking charity, too, and treated these girls to a “good time” for two years or something before dropping them. Ugh.

“It is necessary to our country that we become, like everybody else, prefects, fathers of families, country policemen, and councilors of state.” Reading this line just makes me feel so disgusted. That men like this, who are slimy and manipulative and selfish and uncaring like this, are the ones who are going to become people in charge of the infrastructure of their local society and who will have power over people in similar positions to these grisettes. It reminds me of Bamatabois, who not only was able to harass Fantine and then get her nearly thrown in prison, but was also a juror at Chapmathieu’s trial. Twice he has the power to decide someone’s freedom; I imagine these law students will have similar positions in their own respective towns. It’s also such a gross flaunting of their social position, telling these women that they have all these opportunities and connections and money to become whatever they want, and these women are left in barely-paying labor positions on the edge of total poverty.

(This is also a really important piece of characterization, I think. It contrasts massively with the students we see later on, who come from rich families (minus Bahorel, I suppose) but who are dedicated to the betterment of others.)

Something I don’t quite understand is the paying for dinner thing? Why? Is it just because they knew maybe the girls wouldn’t be able to afford it? Why do that one niceness with such a cruel prank? Was it like a last “look at us, we can afford one last lavish meal before we vanish” sort of thing?

Favourite is so odd to me. She decides that if this prank was Blacheville’s idea, it makes her fall in love with him. She says “No sooner loved than left,” which makes me think it’s a sort of “you don’t want it until it’s gone” type of thing. But I’m also wondering if it’s a comment on potential cleverness. She only likes him more now that she thinks he’s clever enough and cunning enough to come up with and pull off a joke like this one.

Then the realization that it was actually Tholomyes comes. None of them seem surprised (neither are we). They laugh about it and I assume that, again, the “Vive Tholomyes” is a celebration of his cleverness at this elaborate joke. But they seemed to know that the end was coming, so it’s just a funny and interesting ending to them, rather than a boring goodbye. Also, I wonder if they would have been more upset if the dinner had not been paid for.

I don’t have much to say about that last visual of Fantine crying in her rooms, except for fuck Tholomyes. Also, what a damn bombshell for Hugo to drop on us, spending all that time describing Fantine and then in the last sentence revealing a child.

#les miserables #les miserables meta #brickclub #lm 1.3.9 #les mis #les mis meta

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makimakikun · 5 years ago

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Maki Katsuragi: The Autism Theory

Maki Katsuragi could be on the autism spectrum. Here’s why! TW: Abuse mentions/references, mental disorders/disabilities in-depth, child abuse, psychological aspects, and childhood conditioning.

I think the common conception of mentally ill/disabled people not being confident in nature or never being able to fit into a setting isn’t entirely accurate for everyone or a good way to sum up such a wide variety of people.

Let’s go into maki’s personality. His most noticeable quality: he’s confident. He’s confident enough to shape the environment he enters if he wishes. He’s confident enough to make people bend or even change their entire perspective on things.

Did you notice everyone had false misconceptions about him? Everyone was surprised when he said certain things, like they weren’t expected of someone “with his personality”. For example, what he told Itsuki after he hit the boy with the racket, what he said when Tsubasa held the racket, what he told Yuu after confronting them, what he said to Touma after the matches, etc. There are so many examples of people misconstruing Maki. People thinking he’s not as smart or as considerate as he actually is.

Why? I think it’s because he comes off a certain way. He seems too confident; too formal; too anti-social; too whatever. Everyone has misconceptions of everyone else, but these are things I heavily related to: the ways everyone saw Maki.

To add personal experiences-- in the environment I was raised in, I had to be confident. I had to learn how to confront opposition with a calm war face. I had to learn how to speak; how to stand; how to stare into people’s eyes despite being uncomfortable with it; how to seem like I did things with little thought to them, despite the fact that I overthought constantly. This made many people think I was an airhead, or just generally not as smart as others. I’ve had many people be really surprised that I was insecure, that I had issues, that I was smart & analytical. it’s happened to most people I met. These same misconceptions are bred when people see Maki, just because he’s confident and makes talking/moving/doing anything look easy. While we can see he’s smart as the audience, the other characters cannot, and this is important to remember.

Living while mentally disabled in a situation where you have an assigned job (like mediator & provider, which are Maki’s jobs) and huge responsibilities (both household chores/jobs and/or emotional support, which are also Maki’s jobs) is different from living while ill in a situation where your responsibilities are limited (like Touma��s). There are many reasons why Touma’s issues seem more relatable and noticeable to the audience than Maki’s, and it has to do with the familial and outside dynamics they experienced throughout their life, as well as personality and disorder conflicts.

By personality and disorder conflicts, I mean that Maki and Touma have a lot of differences, both in upbringing, personality, and in the disorders I believe they have. Maki contrasts from Touma’s Autistic relatability most likely because he seems to have both ADHD and Autism, in my opinion. It’s a combination that can leave you a lot more jumbled and harder to relate to than just having Autism or ADHD alone, like I headcanon that Touma only has Autism.

Circling back to Maki’s personality. He seems to have a case of Chronic Chillness, outside of his obvious impatience issue, which I think is an indicator of his trueness as a person. In that respect, I mean that his impatience may be an indicator that he’s not as nonchalant as he seems. This is a huge part of my own mentally ill experience, so I felt the need to mention it. It doesn’t mean I never look anxious or that I’m never anxious; It’s that no one sees it or suspects it. Sometimes I even convince myself. I have lax shoulders, I make lazed movements, I speak confidently & a lot of the time with slang or curses. Maki exhibits these qualities as well, aside from the cursing. However, I become starchly formal with people I don’t plan on befriending or becoming close with - esp in a professional setting (I.E. how Maki acted with the teacher and meeting the team, as I’ve concluded his original belief was that he wouldn’t attempt to attach himself to the team emotionally at first) - and I add formality to most newer people unless it’s a casual setting and I want them to feel comfortable/welcome.

I create environments where either respect is expected or people feel obligated to bend in their hatred, whether it be out of insecurity, fear, or genuine appreciation. Maki does speak confidently and calmly, and he does all that I listed, in my opinion. Let’s talk about the symptoms and symptom portrayals. ♡ First up on the list: Intensive focusing/ Hyperfocusing/Interest in specific topics alone, with a habit of losing interest or not showing interest in other things. This is one of the most talked-about symptoms in processing and learning disorders from my experience. One could say Maki is the definition of this symptom. He shows little interest in school, clubs, or any other subject besides astronomy. Specifically, as of most episodes, his book given to him by Ryouma, which he seems to continuously read despite it being a small book. We can assume he may be reading it over and over again. The only club he now focuses on is soft tennis. That began from a place of obligation, not genuine interest. He seemed to have felt morally obligated to join after receiving a promise to money and a racket. However, we can assume he’s more emotionally invested in this team now, after rekindling his friendship with Touma and meeting the club members. His focus on the club is obvious. He allows it to be a part of his daily life, and seems to even spend his off-time putting together schedules for their play, as seen in the episode where Rintarou and Touma speak privately. He also speaks of soft tennis during breaks within the school or dinner at his own apartment, as seen in the episodes where Yuu, Kanako, and Touma visit. ♡ Moving on to the second symptom. Tics, like repeated motions, phrases, or movements. These movements or phrases can vary in frequency and noticeability. It can be shown subtly or as a common and known action that this person does every day. Maki Katsuragi seems to have a catchphrase - saying “I see.” or “naru-ho-do”, but since this isn’t your typical anime and the characters are portrayed as a lot more realistic than troupes, we can assume this could be a sign of a tic. He also tends to make strange movements while thinking, which is a sign that he’s trying to process what he’s about to say or what he’s thinking of. This scene, in particular, stood out to me. While thinking, Maki idly swung his hand in circles. This is something I do personally as well. I tend to circle my hands while thinking to either enunciate my words or figure out a way to explain what I’m about to say, as well as try to process things I’ve heard.

♡ On to the third symptom, which is - in my opinion - a very important one. Trouble showing or expressing certain emotions well or clearly. This can range from ways of speech, to expressions, to body language, and so forth. This can be both subtle or severe, depending on the case. Maki seems to be the type that wears smiles on his sleeve in good situations, but... let me ask you a question. Did anyone see the ending coming? I can’t say that I did, but I can tell you that I don’t think it’s unrealistic for it to happen. What I noticed about Maki is that he’s not the best at showcasing emotions outside the scope of positive or neutral, which is a huge indicator of many things. Two of them are some of the main issues in his life. Physical and mental abuse (from his father), and an overly cheerful and somewhat neglectful parental figure whose nature most likely makes him feel obligated to keep up a facade and not vent his frustrations (like his mother). In truth, many of the scenes where Maki was happy in recent episodes could’ve been motivators for him to pick up the knife. The looming threat of his father never went away, and when you’re in a happy situation, while there’s a threat still lurking, it can leave you to wonder when all these good things will be taken away. His mother possibly being hurt or even kidnapped are huge solidifiers for his resolve. I’ll be addressing this motivation-driven argument further in another post. Moving on now! Maki shows very few expressions. One of his most common being a blank face that looks a touch angry. It doesn’t mean he is angry; I think the intention behind his facial expressions is that he has trouble showing a relaxed neutral expression as well as having what many would call a “resting bitch face”. Most of his expressions range from constant neutral, curious, scared, happy, or the occasional mad. His voice tone is also key here. He often speaks around the same keys. His voice is quiet and calm, with the occasional hint of playfulness. However, it rarely rises or falls drastically, unless in a serious situation. Even then, Maki still doesn’t sound very different from his usual tone. He also moves very directly and with purpose. It’s rare for him to show hesitation or anxiety, which may be a product of Autism, ADHD, and/or living with his father, where any sign of fear, sadness, or anger could cost him. ♡ Here’s a fourth symptom. Not remembering information, especially information not regarding hyperfixations or general interests. This is common in many illnesses but is hugely prevalent in both Autism and ADHD. This is shown especially in the scene where he meets Kanako Mitsue for the second time canonly. He didn’t even remember her face, name, or room despite just meeting her yesterday. This is a huge indicator of a memory problem regarding information his brain considers “not important”, as he seems to remember most things about his interests and chores clearly.

This is getting increasingly long, so I think I may be ending it here! This is a subject I could go on and on for, but I think I made some good and valid points here! It took me a long time to finish this, as my motivation is lacking. Thank you for reading and I hope you enjoyed it!

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surveys-at-your-service · 4 years ago

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Survey #350

“let’s play a love game, play a love game / do you want love, or you want fame? / are you in the game?”

Who was your first good kiss with? Jason. Would you kiss this person again? I know I fucking would and I hate it more than I could possibly express. Name something that is on your bedroom wall? Lots of artwork, mostly of meerkats. What accessory do you want in your bedroom? I need another desk to put stuff on. If you could paint your walls any color what would it be? Something pastel. Maybe like, peach. Soft and warm and would really bring light to the room. What does your phone case look like? It's just this boring purple one that came with the phone. What do you take the most pictures of? My camera roll says my pets, hahaha. What is the point of Twitter for you? Liking Mark's shit lmao. What does your planner look like? I don’t have one. If you get into an argument what is it usually about? My anxiety, I think. What are you always in the mood for? Ummm probably a car ride where I can control the music in the passenger seat. It is very, very rare I'll turn that opportunity down. What’s the last emergency you dealt with? I don't really know; I'm thankfully not in these situations very much, especially when you're cooped up at home. I probably haven't been actually engaged in an emergency since I had to call 911 for my mom before she found out about her cancer. She was basically immobile from agony in her abdomen. Do you have a son? I'm perfectly happy without a son, or kids period. Are you married? No. Have you ever worn a suit? I haven't. Have you ever had to call 911? Twice for Mom. How many keys are on your key-ring? Just one for the house. What’s the last thing you created? An RP post would count as art creation, I'd say. Who are your closest friends? Sara, Girt, and uh... Well, they might be it as far as friends I consider truly close to me. I have a few other people I consider good friends, but we're just not like... on that "close" level, you know? Lisa is maybe another, and Lyndsey perhaps, both WoW friends. Are you ready to have a family? I hate that "have a family" tends to mean get married and have kids, which I'm guessing is what you're implying. If that's the case, no, given I don't want kids and am not fit to get married right now. I'm not even with anyone. I'm content right now with just living with my mom and my two pets, who are children well enough to me. Have you ever taken a DNA test? No. Do you have a family cemetery? No. Would you say you have a high sex drive or not so much? *shrugs* I think it's pretty normal. How do you feel about swallowing pills? What do you mean how do I "feel" about it? I just do it if I need to. What animal is the scariest in your opinion? Some kind of bug, probably. Giant centipedes creep me the fuck out, for one, and I've heard their bite is incredibly painful. I've also always been very afraid of Australia's funnel web spiders since watching some show on Animal Planet when I was younger; I think it scarred me for life, aha. And let's not forget the murder hornets. No thnx, rather die. :') Have you ever questioned your sanity? Way more than once, my friend. How do you feel about people wearing fur coats? Are you for or against it? I am VIOLENTLY against it unless it is for survival in extreme climates and you don't have access to other material. That aside, there is NO way you could possibly convince me that it's okay to wear the fur of something once living on yourself for ~fashion~. What’s the worst thing a friend has either done or said to you? Let's not go here. What’s fake about you? Like extensions, fake nails, botox etc. Nothing. If you got the chance, would you audition for a reality show? No. Have you ever gotten into a Facebook fight? Haha, yeah. Favorite flavor of jelly bean? Probably watermelon or strawberry. I'm not a massive jellybean fan. Do you use Tinder? If yes, have you ever met up with someone you matched? I've never tried it, no. What book/movie has made you cry the hardest? Either The Notebook or Titanic. Something you feared as a kid but don’t anymore? Thunderstorms. What’s your skincare routine? I don't really have one. Just wash it with water in the shower and then use a washcloth when I feel the need. Would you rather have a snake or a tarantula as a pet? I want both, but I prefer snakes. What is something you are NOT looking forward to? I both am and am not looking forward to my second Covid vaccine because it's notoriously worse than the first; the only bright side to it is that after the potential side effects blow over, I'm job hunting. What do you usually do right when you wake up? Check the time on my phone. Would you rather eat your pizza cold or hot? Hot, but I like both. Who taught you how to swim? Dad, I think? Can you do push-ups? No. Do you like Doritos? Yesssss. Who is the closest friend that you live by? I don't know. Have you ever banged your head against something? I've had two concussions before, so, y'know. Have you ever jumped on a trampoline? Yeah, I loved that as a kid. Do you like watching scary movies? Yeah. Has anyone ever told you that you have a big butt? No, considering I have like no ass, rip. Has one of your friends ever tried to "hook you up?" Ugh, yes. Do you prefer landmarks or street names when being given directions? Landmarks, by a mile. Although, I'm super bad with directions, so it probably wouldn't really matter much. Do you read the prologues in the beginnings of books? Yeah, you got to. Does your house have more than one fireplace? No. What was your favourite gym class moment? The one and only thing I liked about gym as a kid was when you took one of those rainbow tarps and made like, an air bubble underneath to make this awesome dome everyone sat in. Ya missed out if you didn't do that. Do you think that ocean boardwalks are fun? Yeah. Do you dread when people ask you to sign their yearbooks? Not at all; I was always flattered, knowing they cared enough to want mine. Apple Jacks: yay or nay? I looove those. Do you have a favorite Scooby-Doo movie? Haha yeah, I think it's the second one? Such iconic scenes. It's the one with the Mary Jane girl that Shaggy liked... oh, jokes that went over your head as a kid. Who were your last 3 Facebook messages from and what do they say? I'm too lazy to list the convos themselves, but the people involved are my friends Chelsea and Ian, as well as a friend's mother. Do you turn your phone off at night when you go to sleep? No. It's always on vibrate, and I just turn the brightness way down. What is the sexual orientation of the last person you talked to? She's straight. What’s your favourite hairstyle on the opposite sex? Don't you fucking dare laugh, emo hair is A++. Has anyone ever played a prank on you? What happened? Not a big one, no. Do you like the Silent Hill movies? Do I?! I love the first one (though for a while I wasn't very happy they swapped the lead role from Harry to his wife), and while the second is literal trash story-wise and it's ALL over the damn place, I still enjoy it with just how much I adore SH as a whole. What movie scared you the most out of any other movies? The Rite, because the concept of being raped and impregnated by a demon is fucking horrifying to me. Have you ever wanted to be on American Idol? When was this? Nah. Name 5 things you don’t believe in. 1.) "Everything happens for a reason;" 2.) karma; 3.) destiny/fate; 4.) psychics, fortune tellers, all that; and 5.) luck, at least in the sense of someone having set "good" or "bad" luck. If you could have any friend that you’ve lost back, who would you pick? Probably Megan. If you have pets, who normally puts food and water in their dish? Me for both of them. Do you organize the pictures on your computer into different folders or are they all just under “My Pictures”? I have folders. Do you think if someone is in a relationship, that it is acceptable to have sleepovers with other people of their preferred sex? Eh, nah, that feels a bit far to me. I am very firmly for friends still being able to hang out even if they're each other's preferred gender, but a sleepover sounds a bit too intimate, even without sharing a bed. Would you shoot a gun if given the chance? If you’ve shot a gun before, how many different types of guns have you shot? No. I'm very intimidated by guns and nearly shook when I merely handed a friend his (not for anything bad, he just carried it with him when he goes out), and I've got noooo plans of holding one again unless my life depends on it. Do you feel uncomfortable sharing things like artwork or poetry you’ve written? Is it because you don’t think it’s good enough to show off or because it’s too personal? You. Have. Zero. Idea. It's for both reasons, and it's far more severe in person. Online, I actually don't mind much, oddly enough... I can't quite pin down why. Do you have any siblings you absolutely despise? Why do you despise them? No. Do knives scare you? Is it from watching scary movies? Knives scare me like five times more than guns. Scary movies have nothing to do with it, though. They're just so sharp and the idea of being stabbed by one is terrifying. As someone with a history of self-mutilation too (not with knives, but I've thought about it and once planned to slit my throat with one, but Mom stopped me), they just make me incredibly uncomfortable to the point I can barely hold a "real" knife to just slice food. Have you ever climbed a chain-link fence? Many times. What is your LEAST favorite Disney animated movie? That I've seen, uhhhhh... I don't know man, there are way too many Disney movies lmao. Who was the last person’s house you went to besides your own? My sister's. On YouTube, who are two people you find hilarious? I'm just counting GameGrumps as one, and then you can't forget Shane Dawson, regardless of the controversy. He probably made me laugh more than any other YouTuber. Do you shave your pits? Yeah. Do you know anyone who has been on life support, and survived? I don't think so. Besides the USA, what is your favorite country? I'm not nearly informed enough about foreign countries' politics and laws and mannerisms to have a favorite. Would you rather go to Europe or Asia? Europe. Would you rather go to Africa or Australia? Africa. Would you rather go to Mexico or Canada? Canada. Do you think emo/scene hair is attractive? I love emo and scene hair, don't @ me, it's cute as fuck. Have you ever seen a ghost orb picture? Lots, actually, at one of my old houses that I totally know was haunted. Do you think abortion should be illegal? NO. You would NOT end abortions. You would end SAFE abortions. Do any of your pets have strange habits? Explain? Venus, my ball python, is extremely odd with food to the point I sometimes worry about her, but she's always been this way and is healthy, so I guess it's nothing really worth fretting over. Anyway, when I place her rat in her terrarium, she gets excited first and will pretty much frantically examine her surroundings, like slithering around everywhere, and even when she has clearly found the rat (she'll even prod it with her snout), she usually won't immediately eat. She just like... sits there and has to continue to verify for ten minutes that it's food. I know it's thawed perfectly, btw. So anyway, THAT'S weird... As for Roman, dear god, that cat's just weird, lmao. Especially in the morning, he's very hyper and will bolt around the house sometimes, he "plays" with nothing all the time, he "meerkat"s at nothing that I can nothing, etc. etc. etc. He's a weirdo lol. Have you ever told an extremely inappropriate joke? Oh god, I said something really inapprops once when my friend Chelsea startled me. I won't be repeating it lmao. Who in life have you felt the strongest need to protect? Sara, I think. Who have you most feared in your life? My dad. He doesn't scare me anymore, but he did. What was the quickest friendship you ever made? Oh idk. What is the worst word anyone ever used to describe you? "Martyr." And not the kind that dies for their beliefs. It hurt me so badly to know someone thought of me that way, and I'll probably never let it go. If you have any pets, were they adopted from the humane society? No. Roman is one of the billion kittens born to the cats my sister's in-laws have, and Venus is from a ball python breeding business in Florida called The Gourmet Rodent (they sell f/t rodents too, obvs) Do you like home design, like picking out paint colors and furniture? Not really. My grandmother though, whew, that was her calling for sure. Have you seen any of the old James Bond movies? Nope. List all of your features that you have ever gotten compliments on: My hair, my eyes, my tattoos, my hands, I think my nose, my dimples, my smile, and my boobs lmao. Have you ever been in a hot air balloon? And if not, would you ever want to go in one? I haven't. I think it'd be kinda cool, but they seem too easy to fall out of, and I'm afraid of heights. I'd probably go in one if given the opportunity. Do you have any stains on your shirt currently? No, but there are two small rips. It's just an old tank top. Do you listen to local bands? No. Not that I'm opposed, I just don't know of any I really enjoy. Do you watch YouTube videos often? Many, many daily. Do your parents fight? Do they even talk at all? They're divorced; they used to fight a lot when they were together. Now they only talk if they have reason to. Have you ever watched a movie that's in a complete different language, so you had to read sub-titles? No. Do people with yellow teeth disgust you? Dude, fuck off, no. My teeth are kinda yellow, and I'm extremely self-conscious about it, so seriously fuck this question. You never know for sure why someone's teeth may seem yellowish. Do you drink alcohol on New Year’s Eve? Usually a drink or two. Do you wear rings? I always have two on, yeah. Are you hungry right now? No, I literally just ate a breakfast bowl. Have you ever tried smoking a cigarette? No; I haven't the slightest interest in doing so.

#survey #surveys #questions #lyrics: ''lovegame'' by lady gaga

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lifeofroos · 4 years ago

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Part 32! And there is a baby! Small reminder that you can still vote for the Solangelo rewards 2021 on @solange-lol! My fic is nominated too!

In short: Nico gets Therapy from Dionysus. In this chapter, a mutual friend has gotten a baby and they have been invited over to see the child. However, Nico is a little nervous... The rest can be found on AO3 and FanFiction.net and in Tumblr tags like Nico di Angelo, Fanfiction, Pjo etc. This Might Be Crazy: Chapter 32: British tea

Dionysus teleported us to a pretty nice apartment block in the middle of New York. ‘What number?’ I asked.

‘32.’

‘Alright.’ I walked to the door and hovered my fingers over the bells, but when I found it, I did not ring it.

‘Is something wrong?’

‘I am a little anxious.’

‘A little?’

‘Okay, quite. Quite anxious.’

‘Hm. Does that get better if you don’t ring the doorbell, even though we have an appointment?’

He had a point. I pressed the doorbell, which felt like quite the achievement.

‘Who’s there?’ A male voice asked through the intercom. I took a deep breath.

‘Uh…Nico. Nico di Angelo.’ I swallowed. ‘Um, Mary invited us…’

‘Of course! Come on in!’ The door opened with a soft click. I shot a look at Dionysus, before we walked into the building.

‘How come that you are so nervous all of a sudden? Usually, you talk to people quite easily. I am assuming you did not talk to the troglodytes like this when you first met them.’

‘I don’t know. Something about the fact that Mary has a baby makes me nervous. I am afraid I’ll hurt them.’

‘It’ll be okay. Try to calm down. His name is Ernest, by the way.’

‘Because you are such an authority on names.’

‘Now, we are not getting your mouth too big.’

I tried to laugh, but it was higher pitched than usual. ‘Of course not.’

The door was already open. A man in his late twenties was standing in the doorway. He looked like he was perpetually on a pink cloud.

He stuck out his hand. We both shook it. ‘You must be Nico,’ he told me. ‘And are you Dio? I don’t hear that name often.’

Dionysus shrugged. I assumed Mary had not told George his full name. ‘Oh well.’

‘Come in,’ George said, with stars in his eyes, ‘Ernest is just awake!’ He led us into the apartment, which looked cozy. They had a fluffy couch in the living room, and Mary was sitting on that couch, and she was holding the tiniest human I had ever seen in my life.

I mouth fell open a little. Mary smiled. ‘Look, Nico, this is Ernest.’

‘He’s… he’s so…’ I took a step backwards. My anxiety went throught the roof.

George looked at us with a huge smile, seemingly unaware of how I was feeling. ‘He is beautiful, isn’t he!’ He sighed. ‘Do you want anything to drink?’ Dionysus looked at Mary and at me. ‘I think we could all use a cup of tea. I’ll help’

‘That’s not…’

‘No, it’s okay.’ Dionysus looked over at George, who went quiet, turned around and walked to the kitchen. Mary raised her eyebrows and shot Dionysus a look. ‘Don’t give him a heart attack.’

‘Of course not.’ Dionysus walked after George, so that I was left alone with Mary and Ernest.

She turned back to me. ‘Come, you can sit down.’ I stayed where I was.

‘He… he is so small.’

‘Yes. It’s okay, Nico.’ My heart rate increased. I didn’t want to hurt the baby, but I did not want to upset Mary either.

Slowly, I walked over to the couch and sat down. Mary pushed the blue, fluffy blanket aside a little. ‘Look.’

I looked at the small bundle in her arms. The baby was wearing a jumper and a small hat. He looked adorable, but all I could think to say was: ‘Why… why is the hat pink? Not that it matters, but...’

‘We didn’t really think about it when we bought it,’ she said, with a small shrug. ‘After he was born, we did think that it was a little unconventional. But as you said, it does not reallt matter. It is just a hat!’ I slowly nodded.

‘I mean, it fits, pink is Aphrodites’ holy colour.’

She chuckled. ‘Yes, it is.’

Ernest’ little eyes were open. They turned to me for a second. ‘He sees, but he doesn’t really see me, right?’

‘No, he is too small for that.’

‘Ah.’ Then I need to be even more careful with him.

Dionysus and George came back with a platter of tea and biscuits. George was non-stop talking about the new baby. To me, it seemed like a miracle that Dionysus managed to look interested in what he was saying.

He put the platter onto the table. George kept talking while making all of us a cup of tea, without thinking to ask whether we wanted sugar or milk. We just got it. I didn’t mind, though, I kind of liked tea with milk.

When he was done with his story and with his tea, George sat down next on the other side of Mary. Dionysus sat down in an armchair slightly further away.

For a moment, we all just looked at the baby. ‘He’s beautiful, right?’ George asked. An even bigger smile grew on Mary’s face, while she looked at her boyfriend for a second.

‘They always are,’ Dionysus commented. I only nodded, still a little fearful.

Mary looked up at me again. ‘Do you want to hold him?’

‘What?’ I swiftly shook my head.

‘It’s okay, Nico. I am here, and Dio is too...’

I looked at my hands. I mean, I did want to hold the baby, but…

Ernest gave a little cry. George jumped up. ‘I’ll go see what’s wrong,’ he said, sounding slightly panicked. He carefully took Ernest from his mother, before walking to the next room. Mary gave Dionysus an angry look. He was playing innocent.

She sighed. ‘Nico, it really is okay,’ she reassured me.

‘What if I hurt him? I don’t want to hurt him. He’s so small.’

Dionysus scraped his throat. ‘Nico, why do you think you’ll hurt Ernest?’

‘Sometimes I feel like I’ll lose control.’

‘Have you ever lost control the past few months?’

‘No. Not since the monster attack on Denny’s.’

‘So why would you lose control now?’

I shrugged. ‘Logically, I know that the chance is basically zero. Yet, that does not make the fear go away.’ Dionysus was quiet for a moment. Mary laid a hand on my shoulder.

‘Do you want to hold him? As in, just want it, if you don’t think about your fears for a second?’

‘Yes.’

‘Then you can just come back when you feel better about it. That’s okay, I know you, after all.’

I looked at the couch. ‘I really like the baby, it is not that.’

Mary smiled, as if it truly did not matter. ‘Do you want to see him again, though? Otherwise, you can just leave now, before George comes back.’

I shook my head. ‘I want to see him again.’ I looked at Dionysus, who gave me a single nod.

A few minutes later, George came back with Ernest. ‘He has been cleaned up.’ He gave the baby back to Mary. I looked at Ernest. For a moment, I could imagine that he was looking back.

We sat and talked for a few minutes, but I did not really listen. After a while, I took a deep breath. ‘Eh… can I still hold him?’

Mary gave me a surprised look. ‘Of course.’ Slowly, she handed me Ernest, until I was holding him on my own. He looked sleepy, with his little blanket and his little hat. He was warm, tiny and his small eyes were looking, or trying to look. I cradled him slightly closer and smiled.

‘He’s so soft.’

George sighed. ‘Yes.’

‘I think that is mostly the blanket,’ Mary commented. George shook his head in the background. Mary turned around. I laughed.

The baby gave a small cry when my arms shook. With a start, I looked back at him. Oh, he was already calm. Was he already calm?

‘Shall I take him back?’ Mary asked.

‘Yes,’ I said, a little freaked out. With utmost care I gave Ernest back to his mother.

After that, I picked up my tea and took a sip. George decided it was time to begin another story, but now I was happy to listen to it.

After half an hour, Ernest had fallen asleep. Mary looked tired.

‘I think it might be time to leave,’ Dionysus commented. I nodded, and so did Mary. George got up and showed us out.

After he closed the door, Dionysus put his hand on the wall next to it. He whispered a few words in Ancient Greek. When he was done, he beckoned me down the stairway. ‘I had to bless them,’ he explained, ‘Mary should have a healthy, happy baby and Ernest should have a happy, healthy mother.’ I completely agreed.

‘Nico?’

‘Yes?’

‘What made you suddenly think that you could hold Ernest?’

I shrugged. ‘I don’t know. But I did it.’

‘Are you glad you did it?’

‘Yes. I am very happy I did it. On one hand because I liked Ernest, but on the other hand because it feels like I am closer to defeating that fear. I really did not hurt him. So next time, I probably won’t either.’ I sighed. ‘Thanks for coming along.’

‘Hey, I wanted to see the kid too.’ He looked at me with a small smile.

‘Ah.’

He sighed deeply. ‘Don’t listen to me, Nico. I think you did very well.’

A/N: Hand-shaking,,,,, it feels like a century ago that that was considered polite,,,,

Btw why is there no celebratory food for when a baby is born in the USA? In the Netherlands, you get ‘beschuit met muisjes’ when you visit a new baby. It is a sailors biscuit, but with butter and little anise dots (the muisjes), usually blue for a boy and pink for a girl, although there has been a new trend of gender neutral ‘muisjes,’ which are red for example. When a royal baby is born, for a small period of time the stores will sell orange anise dots.

This is the end of the (Admittedly rather short) Parent arc! Of course there will be way more content with Hades and/or Persephone, but I think that falls under the new arc that will begin after a bonus chapter....

#Nico di Angelo #Dionysus #pjo #trials of apollo #percy jackson #fanfiction #fanfic #writing #writeblr #pjo fanfiction #percy jackson fanfiction #percy jackson and the olympians #Percy jackson and the olympians fanfiction #hurt/comfort #therapy #baby #writer #write

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egregiousderp · 5 years ago

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Me: shows up to work, can’t clock in, checks schedule on phone to see if I’ve forgotten when I actually work by reading the schedule for the wrong week (which I do. A lot. Despite checking my days usually six times and setting proper alarms to help guide me.)

I am mysteriously removed from the schedule and the schedule for next week.

Go up to the front desk, and get told to wait in the office for the store manager.

Immediately spiral into a panic because ohgodthisisiti’mgettingfiredsomehowohnowhatdidido?

Like.

It takes about half a second for my brain to immediately supply that it’s clearly longer than a week and therefore no ordinary suspension where I like. Forgot to check ID or whatever. So it’s clearly a massive disaster.

It immediately starts poring over every large western union transaction and money order thing I’ve done in the last month. It starts wondering if the cash I put in the drawer was somehow off. If something didn’t ring up and I therefore didn’t pay for it and I’m being fired for theft by technicality.

Like. Thirty seconds of pure white-hot panic-

And no, my mild-mannered, soft-spoken boss who usually watches you for months before taking you aside with a book of things you’ve done wrong (WHICH MAKES IT WORSE, DUDES. SO MUCH WORSE.) takes me aside to tell me I’ve been in contact with another associate for more than ten minutes who’s called in with corona symptoms.

Panic round two starts immediately because Oh God are they okay.

Mild Mannered Manager reassures me they’re probably fine and apparently the footage has checked and confirmed I was good about wearing my mask even after hours etc. which may or may not be his way of saying they’re probably faking but who can tell.

“Some people get no symptoms at all. You’re probably fine,” Mild-Mannered Manager reassures me.

“Well yes. Which means I can still absolutely spread it and kill people.”

This poor man just sees me spinning my wheels and spiking through half of my caffeine tablet in the span of a minute and just reassures me all the paperwork for me getting paid is in and I don’t have to do anything but enjoy my time off. Really trying to calm me down. Which is nice of him but...you know...anxiety. Anxiety does things with the proffered fist-bump he goes to give me. (Which I tap my elbow against because I touched my bag. I used that bag this week. What if I infect him when he’s trying so hard to be nice?)

I end up leaving the store, reassured I’m getting two weeks out with pay for quarantine and at least won’t have to worry about my bills while I start Panic Round Three and backtrack when the last time I saw my family was. (Tuesday night. When I stopped by briefly to pick up a package from Nan and spoke with my sister from proper social distance.)

I call them up and update them on the subject while relieved privately that all the stuff I was supposed to cook for them next Thursday is frozen and at least won’t go bad in between updates about my brother and his Fiancée.

Drop into the Pokemasters of Destiny chat after a thirty minute relay between all the family members currently at home and get asked if I have food and can get it delivered.

Which. Okay. Yeah. I kind of do. I hoard food like a really terrible dragon or something, but that doesn’t stop me from spending another hour or two going through online shopping trying to pick up some fresh foods for my house because Two Weeks Without Fresh Produce Is Going To Make Me Even Crazier than the normal crazy I get when I can’t work through my birthday.

Laundry starts round four of minor panic while I’m debating if I’m a bunch of basil kind of person or a clamshell of basil kind of person. It’s usually a Sunday thing but if I’m contagious that’s going to be an absolute no-go and can I actually wash underwear in my sink?

“Well at least you get to clean your house?” Supplies my mom, in the most mom text to ever mom a text, followed by about twenty emojis that make next to no sense.

I tell her I have a Whole Foods delivery coming by the house tomorrow and a recipe for fig tapenade.

I do not tell her my lunch was a double shot of the last of my good gin I bought in March on the last night before the shelter in place went into effect that didn’t effect me at all on account of being essential personnel. Because that’s the only depressant in my house and usually the best solution for cutting the adrenaline out of my system.

It was probably Wednesday Night, I think. So that’s what, five days or so from Wednesday? That’s Monday. Probably Monday.

If I make it to next Wednesday without symptoms, I’ll get myself a new bottle of Lemon Gin.

I proceed to stare at the wall for the next hour, wondering gloomily if that’s an alcoholic thought or actually a decent precaution against throat bacteria.

“I should make bread,” I tell one of my houseplants.

I sit there and think about making bread without actually making bread.

There’s going to be two more weeks of this.

#personal skuun #tw: corvid2020 #tw: alcohol #i’m torn on whether or not to tag this with the Kids No tag because I feel like they shouldn’t have to see this.#at least I have a whole lot of supplies to make bread #i should learn how to make naan

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multiversal-archive · 6 years ago

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((Hello guys, I have some hot fuckin’ tea, and it’s about Yamcha. Come join the tea party and take a sip, babes.

Alright, so for context, there was conversation on @dragon-ball-meta [sorry if you think it’s weird to be tagged in a random rp blog’s post I will delete it from the post if you want me to-] about the potential of a pairing between Android Eighteen and Yamcha, the majority agreeing that the pairing really didn’t make a lot of sense. No big deal, right?

Then comes one user, I will not name them because I don’t want to turn this into a witch hunt, who basically argued “IT DOESN’T WORK BECAUSE YAMCHA IS SEXIST TRASH”

And it. Really annoyed me, you know? Especially since there seems to be this trend of shitting on Yamcha for dumb or made up reasons.

And if you know me, you know that I can’t stand people shitting on him and Krillin.

Now, Dragon Ball Meta has done a good job in rebutting against their arguments, but I wish to make a response of my own, since this character assassination has been going on for years, and I think it’s time to stop.

Fuck your memes, the only valid Yamcha meme anymore is Yamcha juggling turtle shells.

Now before I start, I’d like to preface a few things.

First, no, I do not ship Eighteen and Yamcha. Not only because of the context that Dragon Ball Meta has pointed out, but because their general characters would really make the ship make no sense. Yamcha’s fear of girls would really not mesh well with Eighteen’s ‘spit it out’ kinda attitude. Not to mention, as much as I like Bulcha, Bulma is proof that bossy women just aren’t the best match for Yamcha. He’s too passive to make the relationship work. Yamcha is so afraid of getting dumped that he just nervously accepts that she’s right, and sometimes your partner needs to be told that they’re wrong. And while Eighteen is quieter, she’s kinda bossy too. So no, I don’t see this ship working, with or without Krillin.

Second, just so there’s no mistake, no, this is not me arguing against Dragon Ball Meta. I might elaborate, or even correct him on a few things on the subject, but in general, I agree with his assessment of Yamcha’s character. This is a response to one of the users that reblogged his post. Please do not think for a second I’m trying to start beef or anything.

Also, the person will not be name dropped because one, again, no witch hunt, and two, this is unfortunately an opinion of Yamcha that the majority of the fanbase seems to hold. So I will be arguing them all to fuck.

And if you find out who it is by going to DBM’s blog, do not, I repeat, do not harass them. If you do, I will block you. No exceptions! I don’t care if you’re following me, I don’t care if you like my writing and my characterization, I don’t even care if we’re mutuals. If you harass someone over works of fiction, you’re fucking dead to me.

Third, I know that being a Yamcha roleplayer might make me biased, but believe me, in order to write for this character, I had to do a fuck ton of research, especially since I’m actually relatively new to the series [I fuckin started binge watching it last year from Dragon Ball to Dragon Ball Super, still debating on watching GT], reading up on anything that I missed so that I can stay as true to his character as possible.

That being said, the research I’ve done on this series and this character is why I think the notion of Yamcha being sexist, a cheater, etc. is erroneous.

Now, Let’s begin.

You really don’t bring up a lot of points, your main ones being one, he sees girls as objects and not people, and two, he cheated on Bulma [ah that classic misconception among fans], So I will shoot them down one at a time.

One; You claim that Yamcha is sexist, that he sees girls as objects and things to be exploited.

... When?

No, I mean it, give me one fucking example. You made the claim, the burden of proof is on you, as the one making the argument. I’ll even provide links that let you view the mangas and animes for free so you can point me to one manga panel, one episode with the time that it happens. Give me one example, and I might, might, take that claim seriously.

You also say that he feels justified in his fear and distrust of women, so he’s sexist.

Uhm....? No??? You’re right that he’s afraid of women, but distrustful??? The fuck did that come from?

Oh, but you might zone in on the fear and be like, “That’s proof enough that he’s sexist!”

Uuuuuhhhhh no.

See, fear can mean different things depending on what it’s bred by. With things such as homophobia, transphobia, and, yes, sexism, those are fears bred by hate.

In Yamcha’s case, it’s clear that that’s not his case of fear. Not only does he express his want to get over his fear so he can talk to a girl without freezing up or being a blabbering mess, hence his motivation for trying to steal the Dragon Balls from Goku and the others, but the other characters’ outright point out that he’s shy. On numerous occasions. Usually by Bulma, but still.

Not to mention that usually his reactions to being around a girl or being flirted with by one, it’s usually very anxious, leaving me to believe that he’s got some sort of social anxiety going on.

If you need proof, look no further than episode six of Dragon Ball “Keep an Eye on the Dragon Balls”, where it shows various instances of Yamcha going into panic attacks over Bulma, even going into an outright catatonic state when he realizes he accidentally grabbed Bulma’s boob. [which also discredits the notion of Yamcha seeing girls like objects, as he’s constantly horrified of seeing and touching a naked girl. If he saw girls as objects, he would have been creeping on her all to hell.]

The only reason he got over his fear with Bulma is because her safety was in jeopardy, and he had to put his fear aside to protect her. Once again, this discredits the idea of him seeing women as beneath him, as well as your other point, which I will get to in a while.

“But why is he only like that with girls?” you might ask. Well, not only is there several real life examples of boys being too shy around girls and feeling more at home with talking to boys, Yamcha has expressed wanting to get married one day. And as someone with social anxiety myself, I do find it very hard to approach people IRL because I’m afraid of being judged, if it makes sense. So it’s very easy to argue that the same could apply to Yamcha, just with girls his age.

Two; Your argument is that he cheated on Bulma and that in general, any ship with him would be abusive.

Uhm??? The only source for the cheating issue was Trunks, who got it from his mother... Who’s known to misunderstand situations Yamcha finds himself in as him cheating. Who’s known to get jealous if a girl shows interest in him, not him showing interest in the girl, but the girl showing interest in him.

Not to mention, does this look like someone that’s willing to cheat?

Because to me this looks more like someone that takes his relationship with Bulma seriously and wants to take it further. And remember, the only prompting was Goku telling Bulma to “take care of the baby” with no context.

Oh, also here’s the link to the manga page so you know I’m not bullshitting.

Oh, what’s that? You’re going to bring up the episode in Dragon Ball Z where it shows him as a baseball player? Where not only were they broken up at the time when he asked someone to go on a date with him and was talking with another girl, but the entire episode was also filler? Once again, think back to his shyness. Even Toriyama confirmed that it’s always going to be there.

“Oh but then you’ll have to say all the fun stuff like Chichi making Goku learn to drive and Yamcha, Tien, and Chiaotzu kicking the Ginyu Force’s ass.” you may say.

I mean. Yeah. It’s not canon. But unless it’s deconfirmed by Toriyama himself or doesn’t contradict established characterization, then we can still imagine that they happened. Most of the filler are things happening during timeskips anyways, or just don’t happen during the main story, so it’s really up to the imagination what all happened, and Toei did just that.

You also claim that Yamcha behaves like a fuckboi, to which I have to say bitch where?

Yeah, he was a bit annoyed that Bulma had Vegeta’s child, but that was never, I repeat, never directed at Bulma, or Trunks for that matter. In fact, by the looks of it, he was helping Bulma take care of him. It’s quite clearly directed at Vegeta.

Why?

Simply put, Yamcha’s ultimate goal was to settle down and start a family. And not only does Vegeta do that, with his ex no less, but he also just... Completely ignores them.

Can you imagine how infuriating that is, not even flaunting something they have that you don’t, but completely ignoring it like it’s nothing.

Vegeta had started this family, the family that could have been Yamcha’s, and he wasn’t even willing to take responsibility for it.

Now I’m not trying to imply that Yamcha was owed anything or that Bulma owed anyone anything. Hell, I don’t think Yamcha thought that either. I’m just trying to illustrate his mindset.

And you know what? After the Cell Games Saga, he stopped being cross with Vegeta. He’s still friendly with Bulma and Trunks, and he’s even friendly with Vegeta. Hell, when Bulla was born, he was excited to meet her.

Pretty sure if he were a fuckboy, he’d be trying to win Bulma back.

But no, he’s content with being friends with Bulma and her family. Because, at least I think, he cares about what she wants and what makes her happy. I think so long as she’s happy with what she has, then he’s happy too.

Does that sound like a fuckboy to you?

“Well then why did they break up? Are you saying Bulma did something wrong?”

No.

Just like in real life, sometimes break ups don’t happen because one slighted the other.

Sometimes things just don’t work out.

Think about it, throughout the series, up until the Android Arc, their relationship has been on and off, usually Bulma accusing him of cheating. And like I pointed out earlier in the post, Yamcha is just too passive to make the relationship work. If he were more assertive and willing to stand his ground and assure her that no, he’s not cheating, then maybe it would have had a better chance of working.

I think at this point, the healthiest thing for them was that they stopped being in this relationship. For good.

And if their break up was really the result of one of them wronging each other, they would not still be friends.

So, can we end this character assassination? It’s been going on for yeas, and it needs to stop. Same with Krillin’s character assassination.

The memes may have been funny once upon a time, but they’re getting old now. And people are starting to view them as canon.

And that’s it for my tea. If you have something you wish to add or to correct me on, please be sure to share your thoughts. I’d love to know. ^^

Sorry that this is so long and probably all over the place holy fuck-))

#OOC #yamcha #long post #tea

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unkindrewind · 5 years ago

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L A W S

* Charlie, his setting, and plot were all developed and conceived by myself and Bunny @gcrefxed / @killerxquccn. While we’re totally fine with others adding their characters into the setting / plot, it must be discussed first by either Bunny or myself. Theft will not be tolerated and WILL be called out.

* Unless it's something applicable to our muses collectively, Please reblog memes or posts in general from the source. I'm not a resource blog and if treated as one, especially by blogs who never interact, I will soft block.

* I will NOT interact with blogs that use youtubers, social media influencers, or anime / drawn characters for their Fcs. Nothing against you, it’s just not my thing.

* I will BLOCK personal blogs that reblog, like, or follow, as I like to keep interactions here between fellow rp mutuals. If you have an rp side-blog, let me know beforehand so I dont mistake you for a non -rp personal.

* I WILL NOT interact with minors. Given the content on this blog and the fact I’m an oldie, I just feel more comfortable writing with people of age, not to mention feel more comfortable exploring the darker / horror themes of this blog with adult mutuals.

* As stated I am MUTUALS ONLY, meaning i will only write with mutuals. While I do greatly appreciate people following and showing interest, if i dont follow back there’s genuinely no hard feelings. Its not a slight against you or in any way me thinking less of your character or taking some weird high and mighty attitude but : 1. I just get very overwhelmed with an overly busy dash and need to be a bit selective to prevent my anxiety from going nuts 2. At the time, I'm not seeing a way or know how our characters could interact. You’re more than welcome to unfollow. Alternatively please dont feel obligated to follow back if I follow first, aside from understanding this blogs content might not be for everyone, i don't believe in follow for follow. So if you're not genuinely interested in writing, I'd prefer a soft block. If you want to interact but don't follow me, chances are I’ll say no as I take following as a sign of interest. I may take a while to follow back as my notifications on here are the worst. If I don’t follow back within a weeks time, feel free to unfollow. .

T H R E A D S / P L O T T I N G

* I love plotting. If given my way I'd be plot exclusive but I know that's not everyone's cup of tea. If you're ever interested in plotting, know I am already onboard.

* If you want to turn a meme or ask into a thread, I’d prefer to be asked before hand. Simply because sometimes its nice to have memes just be stand alone things or for fun.

- Additionally I take the memes I send in to others as just memes for memes sake as well, so if you want a thread to continue off one you'll have to let me know , otherwise I'm clueless.

S H I P P I N G / D Y N A M I C S

As of 8/14/20 Charlie is no longer open to romantic ships with female muses specifically, and will ship only with Bunny’s female muses: Irene @gcrefxed and Sarah @killerxquccn , with her characters being detrimental in Charlie's story and to his character. Sarah specifically has always been the love of Charlie's life with the likelihood of anyone (beyond Irene) able to come close slim to none. This in no way means I will not interact with female muses or am being exclusionary from this point; I always want to explore the multitude of subtleties in dynamics between Charlie and muses of every gender - even female muses having feelings for charlie, flirting with him etc - but dynamics with those female leaning will not result in anything romantic. Male muses, however, are still open to the possibility of such a dynamic as that aspect to Charlies sexuality and character hasnt been delved into and I would find really interesting to explore. If you have any questions, feel free to ask! But please respect this decision and don't try to pressure or force me to change my mind as that will result in an automatic block. I ship based on chemistry between muses, but Im also very okay with pre-established dynamics (whether that be romantic, friends with benefits, enemies, platonic, familial, whatever!) Considering that can be a bit easier thread wise for some people instead of starting from the very beginning. As with most things, I like to talk through it beforehand. If you have anything in mind, you're more than welcome to approach me! But I also reserve the right to respectfully turn things down or offer alternate options if things don't mesh.

S M U T

While I, and my muse, are of age, I’m not entirely comfortable writing smut unless it’s with a mun 1.) I know well and 2.) Is of age. So for the most part any if it all suggestive scenes will lead to a fade to black, time skip, etc.

T R I G G E R S

My muse being horror related there may be some triggers here. There will be mentions, and maybe -though rarely- the occasional image, of : Blood, Violence , Murder , Serial Killers . Knives / Bladed weapons. I will ABSOLUTELY tag NSFW material [ with the tag nsfw > ] and triggers where applicable, though if you would like me to tag something specific to your needs or if there’s something I missed, don’t hesitate to let me know and I will do so right away!

M U N

* I write under the alias Nox! ( She/Her ) and I am of age

* i am a-okay with questions, especially about my muse! if you have any about anything at all i will be more than happy to answer them the best i can!

* Also totally fine with random IMs! despite being spacy as hell sometimes, I love talking to people. Even if we havent talked or interacted before, doors always open. I also have discord which I'll hand out to those I chat with and ask for it.

* I am very forgetful and easily distracted! Its the ADHD / Anxiety in me, added in with my irl stuff going on. Sometimes I forget to respond to IMs, but I promise it's not me ignoring you or a sign of disinterest [if we're mutuals, Im interested]. Dont be afraid to give me a poke if i take too long.

- Adding onto that I also have Depression . Which tends to put me in a bad headspace not only fairly often but fairly easily and makes me a bit tentative about trying to start things with others, based on bad past experience and my own mind being a bastard and thinking most people don't want to interact with me. So I promise, if we're mutuals, even if Im not sending things, I want to interact but probably being a clown and just afraid to while admiring you from afar until I can make a move. If you want to go ahead and go for it, I highly encourage it! Your best bet would be to approach me first.

* You can also find me on my other blogs:

@rapturcd // Bioshock OC

@fullcfwoe // CAOS OCs

@synthend // Cyberpunk OC

@sxnned // Demon OC

@disowncd // Dylan Massett from Bates Motel

@clovcn // Lucifer from CAOS

R E S P O N S E T I M E / A C T I V I T Y

As it is i have a hard time keeping muse, just the way i am sadly. i know this is something a lot of people, myself included, can find frustrating (especially when you’re really into a thread) but a fair amount of the time i may take a while to respond. as much as i love this, aside from being a hobby, i have a chronic illness that makes me exhausted most days or just not in the mood to write and not in any kind of state to type out a response you lovely people would deserve. though i will always try to quickly reply when i can.

M E M E S

Yes. please. send as many as you want, as often as you want. Even if we haven’t interacted, you’re free to send one my way; They can be a great place to start things off.

P O S T L E N G T H / F O R M A T T I N G

* I tend to use icons and small - but not super tiny- text, and usually some form of para, multi-para , or novella, but it really depends on my mood etc. Though all these things can vary : If you dont use icons, I can do iconless threads. If my formatting is too small, obnoxious, or hard to read, let me know! And I'll change to whatevers easiest to read. Want something short and sweet, mostly dialogue based? I can do that too. I go with the flow

* You don’t have to match my length in posts! sometimes i can write far too much when i get really into writing (and alternatively not write enough), so don’t feel obligated or pressured to follow suit by any means! whatever you are comfortable with is totally okay! it’s not a contest, this is all for fun.

G R A P H I C S / C R E D I T

* all icons and graphics are created by me unless stated otherwise

* icon psd by plutocommissions

* border by venuscomissions

Thank you sm for taking the time to read!

#pgs >

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latetothegreysparty · 6 years ago

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15x11: Subtle Brilliance

I might be in the minority here, but I really loved 15x11. Absolutely loved it. I thought it had a beautiful way of subtly showcasing the characters’ personalities and vulnerabilities, particularly Amelia and Tom. So without further ado, here’s my deep dive. Thanks to @omeliasource for allowing me to use their YouTube clips in this post.

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This was the first scene that I really loved. It was such a lovely, in-character way of handling the nerves for Amelia and Tom. This was the beginning of this episode’s exploration of Tom’s “arrogance” and what function it really serves in his life. The way he openly acknowledged that he was failing to achieve his usual level of outward cockiness illustrated how much he relies on this for coping with stress and anxiety. He is an extremely talented surgeon who knows how skilled he is, so in most procedures, he probably is very confident that he will achieve a good outcome. However, just like anybody else, he experiences nervousness and doubt. His chosen way of handling that is to present a facade of over-the-top confidence that convinces everyone around him that he thinks he can do anything. When he steps into that character, it’s a signal to his brain that it’s time to push aside the nerves and perform. In this scene, we see the first failure of his air of over-confidence to pull him out of his emotions.

Then we have the part about Amelia’s rambling. The fact that Tom even suggests it shows two things: that he understands Amelia well and that he affirms her ways of working through intrusive thoughts and emotions. He says it so casually, but it has so much meaning behind it. This is one of the things I love most about Tom’s character: that he conveys such deep and meaningful messages in understated ways. In a show that often deals heavily in long-winded, passionate rants, it’s nice to also see meaning presented more subtly. I enjoy the tear-filled monologues as much as the next Grey’s fan, but it’s just not realistic to have all of the moments of revelation come in such spectacular fashion. Most often, life reveals poignancy to us in the form of seemingly mundane words and actions. Capturing that well is where the art of film and television goes from good to great.

Lastly, I loved how Tom’s “Amelia word vomit” starts out as an expression of concern about the men whose penises won’t be saved if they don’t succeed in Catherine’s surgery. This is something Tom and Amelia share: a tendency to deflect tough situations and emotions by cracking a joke or saying something crass. Amelia calls him on it, and then he gives us a glimpse of where his thoughts are really at. This was a lovely scene from start to finish.

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“Could you call it something else?” “Like what?” “Literally anything else.” That exchange had me rolling. Amelia and Tom’s banter is legendary, and that alone is reason enough for me to want Tom to become a permanent member of the cast.

The conversation in the last minute of this clip was fascinating. The way they communicated was so uniquely them. They were talking rapidly and in a way that would make seemingly no sense to an uninformed bystander, but yet nobody batted an eye. I think this speaks to the camaraderie and understanding between everyone at Grey-Sloan. They understand each other, and they understand the relationships their coworkers have with each other. Everybody knows how Tom and Amelia work, and they all trust and respect them enough to step back and let them work through things in the ways that work for them. Amelia’s final remark, “For the record, I do not like you,” was also a brilliant inclusion. It was a way that was unique to their style of communication to say: “I know you’re right, but I hate that this is the only way.” It was the perfect way to say many things with few words as well as keep from saying things that shouldn’t be said in front of Catherine’s friends and family. But more on that later.

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This was my favorite scene in the entire episode. I word-vomited to @omeliathehurricane about it last night. This was the best example in the show of doing so much in small ways. For the first time, we seem Tom Koracick falter heavily. He saw Catherine’s face and struggled to continue with the procedure. Amelia had the most perfect response for so many reasons. It was a way around the issue to allow them to continue with the procedure. But it was more than that. She knows exactly how Tom’s mind works, so she knew that the best way to bring him back into himself was to simultaneously remove him from the difficult moment and give him an opportunity to pull out his arrogance as a way to quell his doubts and emotions and move forward. She respected his coping mechanism and subtly gave him a way in which to utilize it.

But her handling of that situation was merciful to more than just Tom. She was also looking out for every other member of the surgical team. Everyone knew that the stakes were high and the procedure would be difficult. If the nurses, scrub techs, anesthesiologist, etc. knew that the surgeons were having difficulty even moving forward with the procedure, that would introduce a whole new level of stress into the room. Amelia found a way to draw attention away from Tom’s struggles and protect the rest of the surgical team. She also protected Bailey and Webber. Her quick and discreet way of dealing with the issue kept it from being visible in the gallery. If Bailey and Webber had detected Tom’s difficulty, the whole situation could have devolved and gone down one of many not-so-good paths. Amelia was faced with a potentially massive problem that could’ve created a domino effect of issues, but she was able to come up with the optimal solution within seconds. That short little exchange showcased her ingenuity, her emotional intelligence, her understanding of the people who she cares about, and her ability to see the whole picture. This was an incredible example of a small, easily missable moment that contained a massive amount of nuance and meaning.

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“To be present enough to have felt every terrifying, exhilarating, imperfect moment.” That is such an important note. Life rarely gives you moments of pure perfection. On rare occasions it does. And when it does, you should hold onto those moments and savor every second. But if the only moments you can appreciate are the perfect ones, you’re going to go through life chasing a high that you’ll never find. The key to living a fulfilled life is to find and embrace the beauty in imperfect moments. Moments that are challenging and heartbreaking and not the way you pictured them, but are nonetheless filled with wonder and joy. Amelia encapsulated that so well here, and it really resonated with my own personal experiences of finding joy and hope.

I’m so glad Richard was there too. There’s the obvious connection that he is Catherine’s husband, but to me, that’s not the biggest message from his presence at this meeting. He was there with Amelia in the moments when she was struggling to find that beauty in imperfection, so it seems rather fitting that he was there when she fully embraced and appreciated it.

Okay, I think that’s about it for my extremely long-winded thoughts on this episode. As you can tell, I loved it, and I found it deeply thought-provoking. Yes, it didn’t have any Omelia in it, but that’s okay with me. I love Omelia, but I also love Owen and Amelia each individually, and I love exploring relationships they have with other people and aspects of their characters that are showcased outside of their relationship with each other. This was an amazing episode that beautifully showcased the relationship between Amelia and Tom as well as many aspects of each of their personalities. Caterina and Greg did breathtaking work bringing the subtleties of this episode to life.

#grey's anatomy #greys anatomy #amelia shepherd #tom koracick #catherine fox #richard webber #miranda bailey #caterina scorsone #greg germann

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lightsandlostbells · 6 years ago

Text

Skam Italia season 2, episode 3 reaction

Thanks to the people who read and left comments on my previous recaps, especially the one for episode 2! I appreciated hearing from you ❤️

I wrote some stuff about this episode. I don’t have much of a preamble, except the usual: I make comparisons to the original show because I’m interested in the remakes as adaptations, I don’t have 100% positive things to say, if you want to just enjoy the season and not see criticisms, avoid this.

Episode 3

Clip 1 - Dudes being dudes

Martino is sitting on a couch overlooking the city, for … reasons. I don’t know why he came here specifically to brood. Is this his special place? Is this a boy squad hangout? It’s certainly got a nice view.

So the other boys made it to Emma’s, it was just that Martino skipped out. Then they have less reason to be mad at him, to be honest; yeah, it sucks that he blew them off, but they made it to the party.

Elia throws a ball at Martino when Martino is clearly not paying attention. Dickhead!

Dudes, he didn’t even lie to you? He ignored you. Which is not great but if a friend ignored me when we had plans, I would be worried something happened to them. Of course the thing that happened to Martino was an attractive boy feeding him garbage noodles, but still.

Martino finally lies to the boys in a more active way, spinning them a story about fighting with his mother and getting anxious, which is certainly believable knowing his home situation and is likely drawn from his real experience. In the original, Isak also uses his mom as an excuse, although he lies less blatantly than Martino does. Isak lies more than Martino overall, I think, but in that case, he sort of vaguely alluded to there being “stress” with his mom, without going into details, and Jonas was able to pick up on what he meant without Isak having to say more, and Mahdi was able to pick up that there was something more serious going on even if he didn’t know the exact situation. This time, Martino’s lie is more fleshed-out, and Giovanni is vocally supportive and claps Martino on the shoulder. (I guess it’s possible that he knows Martino is lying and is covering for him, but he’s playing it pretty sincere. He knows Martino’s family life is difficult so he probably buys it.)

This is why I had to laugh at some comments I read that were like “Giovanni is able to read Martino when Jonas couldn’t read Isak.” Lmao, no. There are plenty of times when Jonas could pick up on Isak’s mood and situation without it needing to be spelled out to him.

Anyway, after the situation is ironed out, we get an anecdote about Elia’s lack of success with the Argentinian girl, telling the story of ... putting Luca in a suitcase? He is petite. Martino laughs with the boys and all seems okay for now. The dynamic has been restored.

Again, all the chasing of the Argentinian will have been for nothing as she is a lesbian.

Elia kicks a ball at Martino as punishment, because Boys Will Be Boys. Then again, I’m sure Martino prefers balls flying at him to having to arrange another party with the girls.

Clip 2 - Gay test

Martino arrives home with some food. The fridge looks pretty empty, so I guess they aren’t keeping on top of groceries. Or this is Martino taking care of it because his mom can’t.

Then his mom enters, and he says he’s going to cook for her. So he’s being nice to her, which is sweet. Mom is too tired and needs to lie down after a long meeting.

It seemed like Isak’s mom had schizophrenia or schizotypal disorder, correct? She had delusions and was actively sending him Biblical texts that were confusing. But we haven’t see any of those from Martino’s mom - I don’t think there’s been any hints that she’s been seeing things or believing in things that aren’t real. So far it seems like she’s dealing with depression, mainly. Apparently she is holding down a job. (I’m wondering what the reasoning was behind this change, and honestly, I suspect that they didn’t want to deal with depicting stuff like psychosis on screen, now that the mother character is visible rather than existing via text message.)

I’m curious how this relationship between Martino and his mom will play out, because a) we have not seen a single clue that she might not accept his sexuality - I mean it’s definitely possible that it will come up, but there are no warning signs like how Isak’s mom sent him hellfire and brimstone texts, so is there supposed to be anxiety there on his part? b) he’s clearly not estranged from her the way Isak was with his mom - so what’s the climax of that relationship going to be? It was a big moment when Isak came out to his mom because it was not just her accepting him for being gay, but sealing a rift in that relationship overall. Of course I’m sure it will be lovely when Martino comes out to his mom, but his sexuality doesn’t feel like a huge issue separating them so far. There are obvious issues in this relationship, but he’s also trying to reach out to her and make dinner, they’re capable of some connection even though they’re also heavily struggling and Martino often seems frustrated and wants to get away from it all.

Martino is chilling and eating dinner. He sends a message to Emma, saying that things were stressful and he’ll tell her about it, he heard her party was great, etc. He’s very friendly and natural. Not coming on in a performative way, not seeming regretful or like he doesn’t want to have this conversation. And Emma texts him back in what seems like a not too much of a confrontational way? She calls him an asshole but it makes Martino laugh, he’s not stressed about it. Also, putting the “asshole” in parentheses makes it seem softer, not like a serious insult but a humorous aside. I don’t know if that holds for Italian, though.

Okay … are they seriously leading into the Gay Test clip like this? Really? Really? Look, I get that Martino and Isak are different characters, but why is so much tension being sucked out of the narrative?

Isak was lying in bed at 3 am staring at the ceiling, miserable, dealing with insomnia, and reading Bible texts from his mom, and he went and did the gay test out of desperation. He really, really had hit a low point and wanted to work out the issues gnawing at his brain. And it sucked because he had gotten his hopes up for Even, but Even was apparently taken (by a girl) and Isak thought he was reading too much into it. That much Martino can identify with. But Martino has absolutely not shown the same level of inner struggle as Isak. I mean, this clip is taking place at a reasonable hour, he seems in a reasonable mood, just eating and watching TV, laughing at Emma’s message. His mom’s condition earlier was not great but it wasn’t terrible. This doesn’t seem like a low point.

Again, Martino isn’t Isak, but then you have to ask why is he getting Isak’s scenes? For every single clip that has been adapted from Isak to Martino, you have to consider: what’s the point of this scene in Martino’s journey, and why was it recreated rather than deleted or altered to fit his particular characterization or story? It’s not unfair to ask these questions, and it’s not unfair to question whether this scene fits the narrative they’ve been building, or discuss how changing the details of a scene affects the tone and purpose. I’m not saying this clip has no place in Martino’s story, or that you can’t tone it down somewhat, but it’s just weird how the setup for a clip like this one gets dialed down, because the setup is a huge part of its emotional effect, and presenting it more casually makes it feel far less necessary to the story.

Martino looks at Emma’s picture with some fondness and types in “how to get turned on by a girl if you’re gay.” I guess I can rationalize this as Emma being friendly and cute and wouldn’t it be so much easier if Martino could just go out with her instead of wanting to be with Niccolò? But yeah, the internalized homophobia has not landed.

Martino starts with how to get turned on by girls if you’re gay, rather than googling to see whether he’s gay or how not to be gay or something else. (Isak took the gay test first and then googled that bit about getting turned on by girls. Though I don’t think Isak actually was unsure about being gay or not - like. He knew.)

Here’s the thing - this is a horrible thing for a gay kid to look up regardless, instructions on how to be straight are always shit. But because Martino seems like he’s in a pretty stable (even good or amused) mood prior to this, because of the way we lead into the scene, this search seems more like …. really fucking misguided, rather someone dealing with a lot of pain. Like this isn’t something Martino is pressuring himself to do because he’s feeling like shit, it’s an idle web search.

An idle search that takes him to a gay test! Not the same as the one Isak took, though. I think the questions do lean on stereotypes on what gay men like/do, though it’s less obvious than Isak’s quiz? What kind of cuisine you like, for example - answering like vegetarian/vegan food would probably make you “gayer” than liking Italian or Mexican food, because vegetables are for weaklings and meat is for men men men men manly men. There is a moment where Martino appears to debate and says that he sees a vagina rather than a snail in an ambiguous image, so I guess that’s him trying to make his answers appear straighter.

The quiz says Martino is exclusively heterosexual. Martino does not seem too impressed with that result.

Lmao, that ridiculous cartoon of the Kinsey scale.

Clip 3 - Martino makes up with Emma

The boys are playing table football. Martino and Giovanni are on a team against Elia and Luca and they lose, so they must crawl under the table. Martino has to endure some creative punishments in this episode, doesn’t he? All at the hands of Elia.

I’m not terribly judgmental about character wardrobes or anything like that, especially since I don’t know what the fuck is trendy for The Youths in various countries, but is there a reason Martino wears so many shirts buttoned up all the way to his neck? Is that supposed to be an example of his repression, or is that just his personal style? I’m serious.

Martino sees Emma and goes up to her. She does not seem happy to see him, sooo … I guess she really was mad at him? His reaction to her texts seemed amused, so I assumed he read them as her not being 100% serious? Okay, guess not.

Isak was very, verrrry slick when he did this part with Norwegian Emma. It was all part of his heterosexual facade, it was a performance he had done many times, and there was a noticeable contrast between how he had acted with Even in the last episode (shy, vulnerable, gradually becoming more open and unguarded, silly, comfortable). In fact, you could even see a huge difference with him seconds before with Vilde, when he was flustered and unable to get out of hosting the party even though he absolutely doesn’t want to, and how he sees Emma and takes a moment to consider and re-calibrate, so that he’s in fuckboy mode when he talks to Emma. It’s so artificial that it’s alarming and builds up dread. Martino seems newer to this. He’s a lot more genial; he’s cute but his attitude is honestly not that far off from what we see of him in other contexts. Sure, he’s flirting with a girl, but there’s so little sign of discomfort, or any indication that he has to switch into a “mode” to flirt with a girl, that it again lowers the level of narrative tension and inner conflict. He pretty much went from hanging with the guys -> seeing Emma -> going over and talking to Emma seemingly effortlessly, not showing that there was any kind of debate in his mind about what he should do, or psyching himself up to speak to her. He just does it.

Again ... I’m sort of like, what is the point of having Martino take a gay test and make move on Emma when there are so few indicators that this is causing any sort of stress for him? I mean, I think they want us to read stress into the situation, but the way the scenes are being staged, they’re drastically minimizing that effect.

Emma gets a text from the radio group, asking for a bluetooth mic for the party on Friday. Emma wants to go and wants Martino to go with her. He seems happy, Emma seems happy, she’s no longer mad. For now.

Giovanni seems proud of Martino for making a move on her, though we don’t hear him say anything.

If they wanted some actual narrative tension in this scene other than what was in the original clip, then they could have had the boys spot Emma and ask Martino if he was going to go apologize or talk to her, putting him in an awkward spot where he felt like he had to, and where we could see some heteronormative pressure at work with the boys egging him on, feeling like he couldn’t say no.

Clip 4 - Boys watching girls in the gym

This fucking scene. First of all, I heard that the actress playing the Argentinian is apparently like 14 or 15 in real life?????? Is that fucking true?? Can someone please confirm that? Because if that’s true, that’s creepy as fuck. It means we have all these 21- to 26- year-old actors cast in a show celebrated for casting actual teens, except for this one girl who’s getting objectified and perved on by the male characters (played by actors in their 20s) Great! Fuck off!

Even if that’s not the case ... blech. I can’t fault Skam Italia entirely for male gaze here, because this scene exists in the original and showcases girls’ bodies. And well … male gaze is the point of this scene. But I will point out that the original scene did not show any stationary close-ups of a girl’s ass. Gross.

The straight dudes drool over the girls. Luca’s filming it because of course he is, Boys Will Be Boys. Nothing weird about a guy filming girls without their consent!

There’s like … one shot of Martino looking mildly not into it, so uh, maaaaybe they should have emphasized that more? Just a thought. Isak looked completely out of it, bored out of his mind, very clear in his body language and facial expression. Plus the boys are watching a sports game, them watching and cheering has a different context (rather than just applauding hot girls for being hot, more or less). Martino is even shown cheering, so this is at least somewhat engaging to him, even if not because the girls are hot.

I mean, the point of this scene was to demonstrate Isak’s lack of interest in the girls compared to his friends. This scene is filmed in a way more straight-forward cheesecake-y way, like Bessegato didn’t get that the original wasn’t celebrating those lithe female bodies and actually had a purpose in establishing the main character’s mindset.

I saw an idea that maybe they should have been watching a men’s sports team with like, sweaty shirtless dudes, and have the camera compare the neutral/bored reactions of the other boys to Martino clearly thirsting, and I like that twist on the scene. Especially if the comment about the dance teacher being too gay (or whatever it would be) comes as a result of trying to make up for checking out the dudes, hoping his friends didn’t notice, or even just checking himself for letting himself stare when he’s supposed to be attempting heterosexuality at this point in the narrative.

The gym teacher comes up and is like, hmmm, so you just happen to like volleyball, huh? He roasts them a bit, which makes him my new favorite character.

He pats Giovanni on the stomach and is like, you’re flabby, you gotta get in shape because girls like fit guys. It’s a friendly casual interaction and Giovanni is amused.

So the gym teacher is gay, as it turns out from dialogue. Which is pretty cool! The boys know him and his boyfriend.

Then Martino is like, you should press charges against him, he comes up here and touches your belly. Giovanni is like, WTF.

There is a persistent, horrific stereotype about gay men being sexual predators and pedophiles, which is awful. Completely. It’s a great idea to dismantle that belief and to educate the audience. But Martino’s comment doesn’t have much to do with his personal journey. We have not seem him struggle with being seen as a creep, or thinking gay men are predatory, or anything. I guess there’s when he thinks Filippo might be trying to pick him up? But overall, not a concern of his. If there’s something I forgot, let me know. Isak’s comment about the dance teacher flowed directly from the gay test (and his internalized homophobia) which was all about judging gay stereotypes and non-masculine behavior.

Now I do think you could say that’s why he’s reluctant to sleep in the same bed as Giovanni, and has some kind of reaction to hugging him, but the problem is that this reaction is conflated with his actual unrequited romantic feelings for Giovanni - like there are multiple reasons why Martino might react that way and not want to sleep in the same bed as him, and not all of them have to do with a fear of being seen as predatory. Sometimes it’s about getting distance from a crush who doesn’t like you back, or even just being afraid to give away his crush/sexuality without it specifically being about interpreted as predatory. But OK, I will accept this explanation even if I think they could have expressed this more clearly - maybe it would’ve been illustrated better if Martino also didn’t want to touch Elia or Luca, two guys he isn’t shown to be attracted to. In any case, they should have drawn a clear link between the gay test or whatever Martino found online (like instead of the gay test, they showed him looking at some kind of website or forum or social media where guys talked about feeling uncomfortable with gay men touching them, or thinking gay guys are pervs/molesters, or something relevant to this conversation) since that was the impetus for Isak/Martino saying dumb shit in this scene. It also would have been amazing to build up Martino’s insecurity about touching his friends as part of his anxiety over coming out, especially how that manifests in a more physically affectionate culture, and then to have his comment about the teacher clearly be a form of massive projection.

There actually WAS a conversation in season 1 at the cabin, where Elia made a joke about Martino not getting any ideas and touching him, and Martino saying that he was the last person he’d have sex with. That would have been very good to include in this season, or a similar moment, to build into Martino’s mindset and where he pulled out that comment. Because it doesn’t surprise me that he would have that idea about a gay dude being predatory, since it’s unfortunately a commonplace stereotype, but because this is a fictional narrative, you need to build up those themes and ideas.

To heap on some more unpopular opinions, I didn’t feel like Giovanni demonstrated himself as a Woke King after this scene, not that he said anything wrong, but that what he said didn’t seem to have much to do with his core values and more with personal relationships. It’s hard to explain, but it relies more on this one gay dude being an OK person rather than challenging a stereotype at its core. Giovanni is defending him because Mr. Boccia is okay and didn’t do anything wrong, rather than because he thinks gay men should not be labeled as predators just for touching their students. Like Jonas wasn’t all, “Who, the dance instructor? Fred? I know him, he’s my cousin’s boyfriend. He’s cool, he bought me some beer one time.” He was like, “Why are you dissing people for being gay? Are you just pointing out people are gay? WTF?” That cuts to the heart of Isak’s problem rather than singling out one counterexample. Giovanni doesn’t have to be a perfectly educated mouthpiece, either, I just wanted to explain the difference in how I viewed him and Jonas in these scenes. I mean, I’m sure he’ll be kind and supportive once Martino comes out to him. However, it’s less an indicator of Giovanni having some core non-homophobic principles and more like he’s fine with this one particular guy who is gay. Hopefully that makes sense.

But to be more positive, on that note, I think it is good that there’s at least one gay man who Giovanni is OK with and seems to like and respect, and that Martino can see that. There are obviously differences between how teenagers view gay peers vs gay teachers, because the adult would be “safe” and wouldn’t/shouldn’t be pursuing him, whereas teenage boys might think their friends have gay cooties and are coming on to them, but Giovanni isn’t a total 100% homophobe based on this encounter. (I don’t think Giovanni will have a problem with Martino being gay at all, to be clear, just speaking hypothetically.)

Niccolò comes up, obviously. The look he gives to Martino is good. Tension, wahoo!

He gives Martino back his earbuds and says he left them on the bus. I’m legit baffled that the boys are so suspicious of this? Martino took the bus to go home from school, after he left the boy squad, so he could have left the earbuds on the bus then. Or him being like “I was on the bus with my mom” - not that unreasonable? All he told them was that he had a fight with his mom, he didn’t say where that fight happened (Isak was wearing the hat when they left school so it made no sense to say he left it in the cafeteria, and Jonas realized this). I guess Martino and Niccolò were just acting weird enough to notice?

Giovanni sized up Niccolò so he probably suspects shit is up.

Luca gets bonked on the head by the volleyball, and the gym teacher is delighted. More of this guy, please? I like him. I wouldn’t mind if Martino has a heart to heart with him instead of the doctor. Except Martino has not been shown to have insomnia so either he’ll develop it midway through the season or the meeting will be about something else.

Clip 5 - '80s party

The girl squad is doing karaoke. Emma is singing along. Martino is sitting there not having a good time, staring blankly at something. Not singing.

He does have a pair of very small sunglasses. I don’t think Martino tried at all with the theme except for those sunglasses. Those look just like his regular clothes.

Martino and Emma talk about music briefly, and it turns out Emma likes the same kind of music Martino does - she mentions Apparat, and there was an Apparat poster-art-thing in Martino’s room. So unlike Isak and Emma, who outside of sexual orientation were also just like … not on the same page as people, Martino and Emma seem like they could fit together, were it not for the little fact that Martino is gay. I’m not sure there’s been a big indication that Italian Emma is that bad (until like a minute or two from now, with her comment about gay people). They could have played this moment a little more so Martino’s reaction is more wistful, like … oh, here’s this beautiful girl who shares some of my interests. If I were just into girls, this would be so easy.

Martino sneaks a glance over Emma as Niccolò walks in. Niccolò looks like he dressed up for the theme, at least? No version of Even is not going to dress up for a costume party. Not on my watch.

I don’t recognize his burgers shirt, is that a reference to something and I’m just blanking?

Lmao Martino just launches at Emma the second Niccolò turns around to look at him, he’s ridiculous.

I do like the part where she’s like either you’re underestimating me or you’re shy, and when she asks him if he’s shy, that’s when he kisses her. Even though he didn’t hear a word she said.

Niccolò comes over right away and places himself right between Martino and Emma, so there’s at least one way he has out-desperated Even. He slings an arm around both of them. Bold!

“Elio” is not a reference to Call Me By Your Name (well, I guess it could be that, too) but to Elio Germano, an actor - I looked up that guy and I can kind of see the resemblance? Not a big one, but in some pictures, I get it.

Martino, stop being a buzzkill and go sing a shitty song with Niccolò. The point of karaoke is to make an ass of yourself, no one cares.

In response to Martino not wanting to do karaoke, Niccolò asks, “Are you afraid of showing your hidden homosexuality?” - yeeeeeah, I’m kind of like, WTF, why did he mention it there? If Martino is closeted, then why bring it up when they’re not alone? Since Niccolò has a strong suspicion that he is gay, isn’t he just putting Martino on the spot? But Martino seems unfazed, I guess.

Now we have the famous educational moment where Niccolò calls out Emma for generalizing. Niccolò takes his arms away from Martino and Emma when he’s getting serious.

The focus of this scene is more on Niccolò and Emma than how Martino reacts. In Skam, this scene was really fucking important for Isak because Isak had ideas about how Gay People were supposed to be. That they were all a certain thing. That “gay” had a definition besides being attracted to only the same gender - that’s why he complains about why the dance teacher has to be so gay. The dance guy isn’t “so gay” because he’s showing attraction to men, but because he’s displaying a set of mannerisms associated with gay men. (I mean, it’s completely beside the point, but “so gay” dance teacher could have turned out to be banging half the dance chicks since Isak’s statement is based purely on stereotypes.) The gay test he took earlier in the week fed into these notions that Isak had because it was based entirely on generalizations. Not only is that how gay men act, but it’s how other people see men if you like certain things and act a certain way; if you act like that, they assume you are gay, and if you’re gay, they assume you act like that. So Isak hearing about how wrong it is to generalize, especially from Even, the guy he likes, is really goddamn important. It’s Even is throwing him a lifeline. Gay people are not all one thing and we shouldn’t think about them in stereotypes, even when they’re “nice” ones. That’s why the focus of that scene has a lot to do with Isak’s rapt attention, because this scene plays a specific counterpart to how we saw Isak behave that week.

However, this scene here? It’s a nice lesson for the audience to hear, but what does it have to do with Martino’s mindset that they’ve set up in this episode? At this point, Martino has not been shown to have any of these beliefs about gay men, as far as I can recall. The most is him wondering why gay people always assume everyone is gay in the scene with Filippo, but that has little to do with mannerisms. Not only that, they explicitly changed the dialogue in the dance chicks/volleyball scene to be different - it’s not Martino being like “Does that gym teacher have to be so gay?” It’s him basically accusing the gym teacher of being a pervert for touching a high school boy in a friendly way. Sooo … why didn’t they change this dialogue to reflect that? This is a clunky version of how it might play out, but what if, after Niccolò sits down and has his arm around Martino, and makes his latent homosexuality comment, Emma made a joke like, “Haha, you better not get too close, Niccolò!” And Niccolò was like, “What’s that all about?” Emma could say something like, “You know, because he’ll try to make a move on you,” and Niccolò replied, “Errrr, just because a gay dude gets close to another guy doesn’t make it inappropriate.” Then that would actually tie in to an earlier scene. But that’s obviously not the only way it could have played out. My point is, why didn’t they follow through this scene with something consistent to Martino’s story thus far?

Then again, this whole thread during the episode feels inconsistent. It’s easy to follow the story logic with Isak: takes a gay test revolving around generalizations about gay men’s personalities -> tries to distance himself from those generalizations about gay men’s personalities -> hears that it’s wrong to make generalizations about gay people’s personalities. Martino this week: takes a gay test with some generalizations (I think they were present but not as blatant as in the test Isak took?) -> makes a comment about the gym teacher basically calling him a molester -> hears that it is wrong to make generalizations about gay people’s personalities. I guess he learns not to generalize gay men as molesters? But really, vastly different, it’s not very cohesive, and Martino was not shown to be very affected by Niccolò’s dialogue. So again ... why is it here?

Also, there’s something kind of … weird about Niccolò lecturing Emma on making generalizations, because Niccolò just did the same thing, sort of? He joked that Martino didn’t want to do karaoke because he was afraid of showing his latent homosexuality, the generalization being that karaoke is a thing that gay guys do. And I get that it’s a tongue-in-cheek comment, ha ha Martino, get over yourself (and a loaded statement about his own suspicions about Martino), buuut is there a reason why, on the surface, Niccolò can make a joke about what gay people like or do or are (ha ha, liking karaoke is a sign of homosexuality!) but then Emma can make another statement generalizing about gay people and he’s like … excuse me? Yes, obviously there is a difference between them in that Emma is a straight girl (from what we know) and Niccolò is a guy who likes guys (although I’m going to assume he’s pan like Even for now), and I’m not defending what she said, but it’s a sloppy juxtaposition to have in the same scene. One’s more “neutral” and one’s “positive” but they’re both generalizations.

One thing you could get from this scene is that Niccolò has feelings about defending gay people and may be not straight himself … which should be blindingly obvious at this point.

Then Niccolò is like, “I know pretty boring gays,” which is kind of funny in the sense that he’s teasing Martino, but also, still putting Martino on the spot. Martino is nowhere near as receptive to that comment as the latent homosexuality one. I guess Niccolò just went too far.

Emma thinks this topic is boring and has Martino go dance with her. At least they show Niccolò sitting alone looking dejected when they get up, which is a dead giveaway, but a nice little moment.

People dance. This red light is very striking and all but the downside is that it’s hard to see Martino’s face (or most faces in the crowd). That might have worked if they wanted to inject some ambiguity into the scene, like did Niccolò look over to Martino while kissing his girlfriend, or was that unintentional? Is Martino imagining it? But it’s pretty clear they want it to be straightforward, so I wish we could have seen their emotions more clearly. (I feel like the lighting on this show is often a disservice to the actors, but that’s something to talk about at another juncture.)

I do like the song, though (“Self Control” by Raf) and the lyrics seem pretty fitting, about losing self control to someone. Martino is kissing Emma but can’t control himself from looking over to Niccolò. There’s also the comparison between the day and the night, perhaps related to how Martino is living for the “night” aka these moments he gets to be in Niccolò’s vicinity. Also it’s an ‘80s song, so it’s appropriate to the theme of the party, obviously.

Eva does seem to notice Martino making out with Emma and isn’t totally cool with that, like I think she’s going WTF in her head? I know his secret? Does not compute???

Federica is also sad because Martino is kissing another girl. Aww, poor girl. She came so close, or so she thought! Don’t worry, hopefully Kasper is coming.

Fede sees Silvia’s phone ringing. It’s Silvia’s mom, so they put the music on pause as Silvia talks to her mom. Silvia is adorable when she greets her mom, lol.

There’s a part where Silvia tells her mom she’s with Fede and Eva, which I thought was interesting as it excluded Sana. So maybe her parents have an issue with Sana (or rather, Silvia having a Muslim friend)? Eva looks at Sana after that, but it might just be “holy shit what’s happening?” rather than “why didn’t she mention you?”

I’m too lazy to check but is that one girl with the glasses standing behind Eva and Sana one of the theater kids from the first season?

I do like seeing Eva go into action mode and tell people what to do! What a boss.

There’s the blue haired girl from the earlier clips again, dressed like Madonna. WHOOOO ARE YOU, WHO WHO, WHO WHO (no really who is this girl)

The sudden cleanup is the means of getting Martino and Niccolò alone together, to take out the trash.

Is Niccolò dressed as Marty McFly? Did he read my post?? (don’t take that too seriously, lmao) Or is that another character/celebrity? Or just generic ‘80s style?

Their chemistry in this scene is the strongest it’s been yet. Them just standing there before the conversation starts is a really good moment. (Surprise, having a smidge of tension and some variety in their interaction does a lot for their dynamic!)

Niccolò has the nickname “Colino” based on something from middle school, so he and Maddalena go back a while. They got together when they were 16, and supposedly they’re like siblings. So it seems like they might have a foundation of friendship, and could go back to being pals after they break up, maybe? Or perhaps they’re just growing too different for that, even.

Niccolò is like JUST SO YOU KNOW WE’RE LIKE SIBLINGS. WE HAVEN’T HAD SEX IN TWO MONTHS. I mean, I get what he’s trying to say, but “I haven’t had sex with my sister in two months” is not a thing I would expect to hear from people with normal sibling relationships.

Also, two months would be the beginning of school, no? When he saw Martino?

The motive behind Niccolò’s story about Maddalena’s medical condition is very different from Even’s. Isak was very closed off and not really having it when Even started talking to him about dating Sonja for years and not being able to break up with her. He was shutting him out. That’s why Even started spinning that story about her aluminum leg, to get a reaction out of Isak and to find an opening. Martino, on the other hand, is very receptive to Niccolò from the beginning of this conversation, smiling and laughing, giving eye contact. Even when Niccolò mentions Maddalena, it’s not like Martino totally shuts down; he seems amused or perhaps reassured when Niccolò says they haven’t been having sex. So Niccolò making up this shit about his girlfriend comes across as a lot more random. Like he’s doing it just to fuck with Martino for a laugh. And he keeps going even when Martino tells him he’s full of shit (this scene goes on for about two minutes, twice the length of Even’s story). It’s not inherently wrong to change to tone of the scene, but it does make it much less fraught because there aren’t as many stakes with this conversation. They’re already more or less on the same page, or at least Martino is willing to be.

Even also had so much more vulnerability when talking about this, like … we actually saw that he felt hurt or upset talking about how he couldn’t dump Sonja. Niccolò felt so much more casual and matter of fact, which is fine, but it all feels at odds with his probable situation, because so far we’ve seen he really wants Martino and is putting himself out there. He’s not subtle. Here he’s just like, yeah, can’t dump her!

I do think that there’s some of the same subtext here as in the OG, with Sonja’s fake leg standing in for Even’s bipolar disorder; Maddalena’s hairy condition is meant to be Niccolò’s mental illness. Now she keeps it under control, she’s getting experimental treatment, etc. All things that could apply to Niccolò, perhaps.

It’d be something if Maddalena was in med school because Niccolò’s mental illness made her want to help others, or research bipolar disorder, or something like that. It’s different from Sonja seemingly being bored with her life (and perhaps channeling her energies into taking care of Even), but a nice adaptation. Even if Niccolò wasn’t her motivating factor for going to med school, it’s a potentially interesting way to show that she feels the need to “fix” people.

Skam Italia keeps doing this thing where they pull back the damn camera in a scene, away from the characters, far enough or from an angle so we can’t really see their faces (and in a way that doesn’t reveal anything compelling about their body language). They do it here and it isn’t the most egregious example, but having seen it happen in later episodes, I’m more alert to it, and a lot of times it undercuts the emotions of a scene - again, a disservice to the actors. There are some times where it really took me out, to be discussed when they pop up. I guess they do it just to add some contrast to the closeups of the characters? And I’m all for more contrast, but that’s not really what I wanted, lmao.

The pinky touching moment is great! It’s a thing that’s theirs rather than Evak’s (I guess it might be subbing in for the great hole in the sock moment from the script, but it’s still different). They’re smiling and looking at each other as they lean again, very unlike Isak and Even (when Isak couldn’t even look at Even) but it is consistent with the general vibe of their relationship so far. (Although it is kinda ehhhh that they just ... dropped all of the tension from inside the party, Niccolò’s comments on the couch, staring at each other across the room while kissing girls, and then went back to the comfortable friendly vibe almost immediately, as if none of that mattered too much in the narrative.)

Ohhhhh my God they’re interrupted by the WHOLE PARTY running out and like, that is amazing. Instead of Noora it’s fucking eeeeeverybody.

Although they’re smiling at each other as they run off and it’s cute and all but WHERE IS THE TENSION. Even from the perspective of them being friendlier and more smiley at each other, 1) they almost got caught by other people, and not just anyone, but people they know, including their girlfriends (well, Niccolò’s girlfriend and Martino’s date) and people who could talk or gossip about them, so why does this not cause any kind of alarm 2) this has changed things. They almost kissed. Show that it was some kind of big deal, like even something as small as Martino lingering a moment behind the rest of them, needing a moment to process what just happened, taking a deep breath? Smiling to himself, if you want to keep it lighter? What’s the actual difference in tone or Martino’s reaction in this scene to something like the boy squad running from the police in episode 1? Except he actually seemed concerned about getting caught by the police.

General Comments/Social Media

Emma and Martino have way more of a rapport in their texts than Isak and Emma did. She actually seems to have a sense of humor.

She says she’s found his look-a-like, and Martino is like, “Don’t say Ron Weasley,” and ahaha THAT one I do not see at all. At least not if we’re talking Rupert Grint/movie Ron. I could maaaaaybe see movie Fred and George, though. Maybe. If I squint.

Martino was also open about going to Silvia’s party, which makes sense, but also he didn’t have to hide it like Isak did. Isak was just lying all over the place in his season.

Martino also names the Luca/Silvia ship “Lulvia.” I don’t know if that will actually happen. If it does, I think it’ll be like a random Chris/Kasper-esque makeout at the end of the season.

Tbh my favorite thing from this episode might have been Silvia searching for her cat before the party on Instagram. I crave that sweet sweet Margot content.

I’ve seen all the episodes aired so far, and there are some elements that I think have been handled decently, others not so much. Later episodes have some parts that I like better. Unfortunately, this episode showcased of the weaknesses of this season, which would be, in a nutshell: lack of tension, weak depiction of internal conflict, lack of focus for Martino’s POV and character trajectory.

I know I sound cranky and overly negative in this recap. Part of it is that I’m somewhat exasperated because I feel like this episode showed that to a degree, Bessegato doesn’t like … either get what Isak’s struggle was about, or he doesn’t have a clear vision for Martino’s struggle, or he does but the storytelling is not tight enough to make every scene count. Isak and Martino don’t have to have the exact same internal conflicts, but there needs to be some consistency, and so far Martino’s arc is a weird mix of stuff that doesn’t always fit what we see of him, but is there because it happened to Isak. Either just do a straight-up close recreation of Isak’s struggle, or figure out exactly what Martino’s different conflict is and write a more focused story guided by that.

The other part is that there’s ~problematic stuff in this show that’s getting on my nerves, and constantly hearing that people need to suck it up because IT’S REALISTIC is wearing down my patience. I don’t expect characters to be perfect. The original Skam characters are not perfect. The remake characters are not perfect. But there’s a difference between (for example) racism and sexism that are included intentionally as part of a narrative to make a point, and racism and sexism that seem to be unintentional and go unremarked. And when racism and sexism repeatedly go unremarked, it starts to feel like the show is normalizing it.

Particularly about the boy squad’s behavior, including videotaping Argentina and the later catfishing, because there has been a lot of debate recently about that ... I would love for there to be a point to all of that? It would be great if their creepy-ass behavior was called out later in the season, and if this turned out to have been a point about toxic masculinity and shitty straight boy behavior. If it was all building up to something, awesome, I will give Skamit the respect it’s due. But right now? I don’t get why I should give the show the benefit of the doubt. It’s already shown its ass on racism, and there have been scenes that have jumped out at me in terms of male gaze, some of the more blatant feminism in S1 was watered down from what I remember, etc. So I can’t actually assume that the boy squad will totally be called out in the end.

Honestly, if you’d asked me to guess what some of the potential weaknesses of this season could be, I would not have guessed a lack of tension.

I believe part of the objective was to show a gay teenager in Italy falling in love with a boy and not having it be the end of the world. And that is absolutely a noble goal, and something many Italian teens can benefit from. But I have to say - I never thought Isak’s season was like, emotional torture porn just because it had conflict? It balanced the fluffy romantic content with the angsty sad stuff and was better for it. The fluff was more valuable because we saw what a triumph it was compared to the angst, and the angst was more valuable because we saw exactly how much we were losing when the fluff was gone. Isak’s severe internal struggle made every little bit of character growth that much more powerful. I’m not saying the story has to be an emotional roller coaster from clip to clip, but yes, stakes matter, especially when you’re doling out a story in 3-5 minute increments every day or two.

I do think they’ve somewhat increased tension in this episode, some of it with the boy squad, and some of it with Martino’s mom not being great, but there’s also the matter of internal conflict that is supposed to be fueling many of these scenes, and that’s where it’s falling flat. Skam’s a character-focused show - I mean, each season is about living in a different character’s head - so frankly, they should be milking the f u c k out of his inner struggles.

I’ll also say I definitely didn’t have this problem with S1 of Skam Italia. I thought Eva’s story set up her clear struggles from the beginning and kept some tension going throughout the season. She and Martino have different problems, certainly, but it’s not a case of Skam Italia being “softer” overall.

I've heard counterarguments in the tags about the lack of tension, suggesting that there is tension inherent in the story due to it being about a gay teenage in Italy, but respectfully, I can’t agree with that? Then this storyline makes even less sense, like if the level of tension due to homophobia in Italy is so great that it’s embedded that deeply, how do you explain Martino’s unfazed or casual reactions to events, such as almost being caught kissing Niccolò (multiple times, if you include later episodes)? It feels contradictory. But overall, it’s a constructed fictional narrative; some of the responsibility does fall on the show itself to establish its stakes.

Anyway, if there is cultural context I missed, feel free to let me know!

If you got this far, thank you for reading!

#skamit reactions #skam italia reactions

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deliadexaerisofficialuniver-blog · 6 years ago

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I was reading the Wikipedia article about transgender people and it talks about what it refers to as "early onset dysphoria," and "late onset dysphoria," like, okay... if you experience dysphoria that started later in life, or you came to terms with your identity, or had a change in identity later in life, that's valid, but reading the descriptions in the article, I can't help but feel like they might suffer a bit from a lack of trans input...

The way they read, it acts like trans women who experience dysphoria and feminine identity and gender early in life are all shouting about it and trying to cut our dicks off in the shower/tub, and trying on our mom's clothes and begging for dresses at the age of 3, and like, no..

I have experienced dysphoria as long as I can remember. I didn't ever try to cut my penis off back then, but I was intent on hiding it, wishing it would go away. My parents thought this was weird and tried to encourage me to be "proud" of it. I thought this was weird When I found out my mom didn't have one, I wanted it gone even more. I could no longer rationalize it away as awkward, and weird feeling, but necessary for peeing. When I asked what had happened to hers, my parents said "Girls don't have those." This broke my tiny heart, because according to them, it meant I was a boy, which was the last thing I ever wanted to be. I hated boys. I thought they were gross, mean, and all around horrible. When my parents made me socialize and spend time with little boys my age, I hated it. I wanted to be away from them, back home where I could cloister myself in my room. At the time, I felt like my older half-brother was just the worst. When my older half-sisters got to take time away from their mom to come visit, it was the best. They didn't feel like bullies. They treated me like a little person.

When I started school, I immediately ingratiated myself with the other girls, and distanced myself socially from boy-world as much as possible. Most of my friends were other girls, and I avoided socializing with the boys like the plague. To me, they seemed gross, mostly dim, and like bullies. There were a few boys in the gifted program with me who seemed different, but they were the exception rather than the rule. Basically, I saw the majority of boys as less like me in every way, and the other girls as more like me, and much more pleasant and safe feeling to be around. It's my understanding that a lot of other girls feel this way too, so I guess this makes sense. And for the record, yeah, I absolutely wished I could've asked my parents for clothes and jewelry like the other girls wore. I was jealous as all get-out. I wanted belly-shirts, jelly shoes, skirts,chunky bracelets and necklaces... I just knew better than to ask...

Going to the Sanrio store at the mall with my sisters when they visited was like a dream. I wanted everything cute and girly in the store, but the only thing that felt gender-neutrally safe enough to ask for was a foam lizard on a walking wire with pink sunglasses. Going shopping anywhere was still torture. I remember vividly, seeing the girls' clothes, feeling this aching inside, wanting to ask for any of it, all of it, for skirts, jelly shoes, bracelets, necklaces, Lisa Frank backpacks... I just knew I couldn't. I knew that if I did ask, I'd be punished, or that at the very least publicly reprimanded and made to feel like there was something wrong with me, because boys didn't get to wear those clothes, or get those accessories, no matter whether I *felt* like a boy or not. All the same, I wanted it all, inside, I *needed* it all. I felt *ANXIETY* inside. I could feel my heart *POUNDING* in my chest, at my silence, *BEGGING* me to break my silence and ask before it was too late and we passed it by to go to the checkout. My whole body felt weak, wibbly, staticy... but I knew better. I just *KNEW* better so I never did. I managed to ask for one notebook with rainbow-space dolphins on it. That was about all I felt safe asking for. I don't remember if it was Lisa Frank or not, but it made me happy.

Anyway, growing up, my parents never really heard me voice my dysphoria, aside from a simple nod of my head when they asked me if I was "ashamed" of my penis in response to the way I always covered it whenever I was naked, and rushed to put on underwear. I remember crying about it once when they basically detained me from my usual rush to cover myself in the fabric, seemingly trying to figure out what was "wrong" with me, why I was so averse to my bottom-half being naked after bathing when they were both naked But aside from that, they got none of the "typical" "signs" that cis people seem to think are somehow just *UNIVERSAL* to a trans youth. I didn't try on *either* of my parents clothes when I was little. To this day, I still don't get that whole concept. I guess maybe I just saw myself as my own person and less like I was destined to grow into a copy of one of them or the other.

Growing up, I didn't really know much about trans people existing, I didn't know there was a word for it. I remember hearing a joke about a "Sex Change" once in some movie or TV show, and because it was treated as a joke, I didn't think it referred to anything *real* I remember watching a Crocodile Dundee movie, I don't remember which one, and seeing a scene which depicted the main character as heroic for sexually assaulting a trans woman in a bar, grabbing her painfully by the testicles until she collapsed... This only reinforced the idea that people with my kind of body weren't allowed to wear dresses. As the movie put it, she wasn't a "real" woman, she was "really a man," and her genitals served as proof, again, reinforcing to 5 year-old me that I wasn't "allowed" to be a girl. I found story-writing, art, video games, and eventually role-playing Dungeons and Dragons with my friends in high-school as my only outlets for the girl I was, who felt trapped inside a cage of a body I hated, not only for feeling wrong, but for denying me my identity.

I was lucky again to be surrounded by other female friends. When I was about to start 4th grade, my parents decided to move, so I changed schools, and when we did, I was forced to socialize with boys and make male friends. Looking back, it makes me wonder if my guidance counselors had said anything about my chosen feminine socialization, essentially if they had "found me out," for almost exclusively making friends and socializing with other girls. I don't know if that was the case or not, but they were intent on pushing me into friendships with the boys in the neighborhood we were moving into. It didn't work though. A girl moved in next door, and she became my closest friend. I guess my parents left me alone about it because they, and all the kids on the bus figured we were dating, and yeah, I thought she was cute, but there was no return interest. We were just friends, and I loved it that way.

We started hanging out playing this game with all my dinosaur toys where we would give them all names and complex personalities and characters and life stories, and basically role-play out their lives as though they were in some soap opera/reality show. I guess it was kind of like the way a lot of girls play with dolls, we just used dinosaur toys. It was kind of my idea at first, but she got really into it with me and we'd play like this basically every day after school until we got more interested in video games. Even then, we still split time with the dinosaur toys, and I don't think we ever really stopped until late in middle school.

Middle school was a weird time for me. I had started to feel like a social reject/outcast in 4th and 5th grade, but Middle School just got worse. I got these bar-framed glasses that didn't really help matters either. The other kids had started bullying me for my feminine mannerisms, the way I walked, talked, cocked my hips out standing and leaning, used my hands when I talked, carried them in front of me, etc. back in fourth grade, but it just got worse in middle school. Everyone assumed I was a gay boy, and they treated me with that violence. Often it was social, sometimes it got physical, until at a point, I'd had enough, and decided to beat the crap out of one of my bullies to say enough was enough. Everyone said I fought like a girl because I attacked with my legs, but I really didn't care. People compared me to a girl all the time, and I guess it was supposed to bother me, but it never did. Nothing in me wanted to be masculine, or saw femininity as a negative.

When I got to high school, I sort of made my own crowd with a few of the other nerds, two guys I'd known in elementary and middle school, with the addition of one of their older brothers I met, and 3 other nerdy girls, two of whom were goth like me, and we formed a D&D group. I was especially close for a time with one of them who rode my bus, and when we were turning 16 (her birthday was the day before mine), she convinced her parents to let us have a slumber party. We went to see Underworld, and came back to her place, where we hung out and listened to goth rock, burned incense, I got to try some of her hemp chapstick, and in the morning she asked if she could put me in some of her clothes and makeup. Hanging out at school, she and a few of my other friends would remark in a non-bullying, more neutral way on how they felt like I was "such a girl," and I'd just reply that I felt like a "Lesbian trapped in a boy's body." It was something I'd heard one of my older half-brothers say jokingly to his friends once, but I meant it sincerely. When she'd finished dressing me, putting me in makeup, and straightening my hair (something my parents wouldn't let me do), she showed me to myself in the mirror, and said "This is how I see you on the inside." I felt a way I had never felt before in my life. Looking at myself in the mirror, I felt beautiful. I didn't hate what I saw and wish I was different. It felt right, I felt at home. I wanted to stay in that dress and that makeup forever. I told her she was right. She started taking pictures though, and I couldn't deal with that. I cried and asked her to delete them, which she did. She was upset by this, and looking back I wish I hadn't, but I was afraid. Her parents caught us and disciplined her, saying it was inappropriate, and acting like they thought that being dressed up this way was why I was upset. The real reason was I was afraid of being bullied at school, punished by my parents, even kicked out of school.

I still didn't know trans people were a thing, anything at all about transitioning. At school I drew myself as a girl when one of my friends had drawn herself as a boy, and called it a "gender-bend." I made no secret to my friend that I wished that girl I drew was me.

When we played D&D, I started with a male character, a halfling druid, but when he suffered an untimely fate, I switched to two new characters, a female halfling rogue named Sarah, and an Elven witch named Delia, and I never went back. Delia had actually been written up, drawn, and played in a solo campaign before the death of my druid, but as time went on, she became my main in preference to Sarah, though they inhabited two separate campaigns, and really became an outlet for self-expression. I was goth, and obsessed with the paranormal, so was she, I wanted to be sensual, so she was a very sensual woman. I enjoyed swordplay, so she was a fencer. I loved dance, and wanted to dance, she was a dancer. If I'd been assigned female at birth, I wanted to grow to be a sex symbol, like Britney Spears, so she was. She was even a part time dabbler in music. Arguably she had more character and personality than any other character I ever played at the table. I loved playing the campaign she was in. When we did, I jumped up from the table. I threw on an accent. I threw on her personality, and walked around and basically played her actions in role-playing situations, and even in combat, when she did something really cool. My gaming group decided she was a "self-insert character" the Player's Handbook 2 for D&D 4E described as a character meant to represent a fantasized and idealized version of the self, and... she was. True, a lot of her is fantasy, I can't step into the Feywild to hop across a battlefield, or summon undead spirits or turn into a wraith, but for all intents and purposes, she was meant to be the woman I would be in a world where all that was real. She even carried my airheaded lack of common sense, my love of reptiles, books, getting drinks and having a good time, she was more of a rule-breaker, a rebel, and an all around "Bad-girl" than I would've ever believed I'd become in life, but eventually I did. My Dungeons and Dragons Group stayed together through college, and that was the place where I was most comfortable showing myself, even in this limited way, but still not knowing trans people existed, or anything about them until college when I got to go to a gay bar.

One of my friends brought me to Emerald City in Pensacola to see a drag show, and told me that she wanted to do drag king performances, and that I should try out drag performance as a place to unleash my "inner woman," or as she put it my inner Tarja Turunen. I always envied @Tarja. I wished and dreamt of a life where I could be a singer for Nightwish or some other similar woman-fronted hardcore fantasy metal project. So I agreed. I was so excited.

We weren't quite ready to perform ourselves, but the next show we went to, my friends asked if I wanted to dress up and I was thrilled. I borrowed some of my gf's clothes, which she was super-excited about (She had a thing for trans girls), did my makeup and we went. We had been talking about what my drag persona's name should be and my friend suggested that I use "Delia," the same name as my D&D character. She said it was obvious that character was basically me, and it was fitting, so that was my name for the night. I had the time of my life. I felt beautiful, I felt sexy, I felt free. It was a crowded show followed by a dance party. Lesbians were hitting on me, I felt like I could dance and move on the floor the way I wanted without being judged... I felt alive.

When we started doing shows, it felt like a night of the week to get out of my skin, and be myself. I wasn't a traditional queen, I didn't do camp makeup, or wear the outfits they wore, sometimes I even wore pants... I dressed goth, the way I wanted. I did my makeup in goth style, other queens called me "fish," said they thought I was "a real girl," when I did my first routines, tried to teach me the "right" way to do things, suggested I do some Cher instead of Nightwish and Within Temptation. I didn't care. I did things my way. I rocked goth metal, and Dresden Dolls pieces as Harley Quinn. I used it as my stage to either be myself and live my fantasy of being a metal vocal goddess, or portray my favorite characters. To myself, I wasn't a queen. I was me.

I remember one night in my early days I felt I was looking particularly bomb, looking in the mirror saying "Hello You," A hello to myself. I felt like a blossoming woman, opening up like a flower to my little Thursday night life. I still didn't really know what trans people were though. There was a bigender AMAB person working at the bar who had gone through some transitioning procedures, but we didn't really ask her about herself. I felt like it was private, and just used she/her pronouns for her, having been taught it was a sign of respect to do so for the other queens, and to expect other people to do so for me.

Eventually when my coworkers at the mall, and their friends working in the food court found out about my performances, they introduced me to a trans woman named "Debbie" who worked in the food court, and explained that she was born assigned male. The way they described her transition was a bit transphobic. "She used to be a man but then she got her penis turned inside out and now she's a woman." It set the stage for creating an fear of genital reconstructive surgery that would plague me for 6 years.

They didn't say anything about hormone replacement therapy or other procedures, and she never brought it up when we met. I felt it was impolite to ask about her business, and just treated her like any other woman. She gave me makeup, said "hi" when I saw her at the mall, but we didn't interact much outside of that. She called herself my "drag mom." I never learned anything about being trans from her, but she was the first trans person I ever met and knew was trans.

As time went on, I met another trans person named Sammy. She was a friend of a friend, they'd met at University, and I found out a little bit more about being trans. She had no plans on surgery, didn't talk about HRT, or anything like that. She gave me some old wigs. I learned about social transition from her, and my friend suggested that maybe a social transition might be right for me. I gave it some thought, started occasionally going out in public presenting as female. The first time was exciting and scary... It wasn't something I continued very much outside of going to night classes at Pensacola State before drag shows. I was afraid people would think I was weird. In addition my girlfriend at the time started expressing a desire to incorporate feminine presentation into our sex life, and it made me incredibly uncomfortable, and drove me away from female presentation. I didn't know what to call it at the time, but it was dysphoria triggering. Dressing up the way she wanted me to for sex, stuffed bra and everything would just remind me of how much I wasn't a "real" girl, and how much I wished I had been born a cis woman. At the time, I spent a lot of time talking to my friend about my feelings, and she suggested transitioning, but I remarked to her that I was sure it wouldn't feel real. Again I still had no knowledge of HRT, complete misconceptions of surgery... I told her that the only way I thought I would ever be happy would be if I could wave a magic wand or kill myself and be reborn as a "real" girl. (I didn't know the word "cis" at the time. I considered the two trans women I knew as women and respected them as such, but I felt like the only way I could be happy was if I'd been born cis. I wouldn't learn the realities of transition and hormones and surgery for another 6 years.

Eventually the drag shows at EC lost popularity though, and eventually stopped altogether. I lost my outlet, and felt like a chapter of my life had closed. Eventually the drag shows at EC lost popularity though, and eventually stopped altogether. I lost my outlet, and felt like a chapter of my life had closed. My girlfriend and I had broken up shortly before the shows stopped, and I started seeing a new person, who eventually came out as non-binary, but identified outwardly as a cis woman at the time.

We had actually first met through my nextdoor neighbor right before high school started. We went to a football game together in high school, flirted a bit here and there, they'd gone off to a career in adult film and dance after graduating and had just come back home. Eventually, when I came out, they were very supportive, but at the time we started dating, they wanted to "man" me up. When they brought me home to her parents, they said "Are you sure that's not a girl," and they set to work altering my wardrobe. They pushed me to be more masculine in behavior, treated my feminine behaviors less like they were part of my femininity, and were instead something I needed to "outgrow." Wanting to please them, I started trying to put on a mask of masculinity, but I never felt like it stuck, never felt like it was anything but a transparent act. Eventually they left me for a super macho marine, and I spent many nights crying myself to sleep. I couldn't figure out what to do. I told them I could be more masculine for them, that I'd do all sorts of things to make myself more manly, beef up, whatever it took, all the while hating the very idea more than anything. I just wanted them back. At the same time, I cried myself to sleep thinking that maybe I should just "get a sex change" as I put it, but bemoaning the idea of walking around, feeling like a freak, with a boob job and a sensationless inside-out penis that looked nothing like a vulva/vagina. I thought I'd still smell "like a man," my boobs would look fake, my "vagina" would just be a sensationless hole, I felt like bottom surgery was just for people who wanted penis-owners to be able to have sex with them. I didn't think my vagina would be "mine." None of this was true, but it was what I'd been taught about trans people, and it left me in despair. In addition, dating them had been such an intense psychological experience for me, specifically with regard to my transness. I saw in them everything that was the woman I wished I was. They were bold, sexy, shameless. They were a dancer. They had this dominating power and presence when they walked in a room. They knew what they wanted in life, and they got it. At the same time, they were a free spirit, they went where their whims and the wind took them. They dreamed big and lived big. I wanted to be them, so much, on every level, I felt like I had begun to just live through them, wishing I was them, and being apart, it was like I had lost my sense of self. Being with them was like I had found myself, living in another person, being away from them, too scared to be the woman I was inside, the woman I wanted to be, the woman I saw personified in them in so many ways, I was broken, and I almost killed myself.

Instead of transitioning, I turned back to dating to see if I could found what I lost in another person, and it began an incredibly unhealthy relationship I eventually married into. While we were together, I wanted her to be me for me, I wanted to mold her into the woman I wished I was. I wanted to live vicariously through her. It's something I'm incredibly ashamed and not at all proud of. While we were together, before we got married, I became re-acquainted with a friend I'd had in elementary school gifted who had come out as a transgender woman and was planning her own transition. Other friends of hers had seen or heard about my drag performances while that was a thing, and referred them to me for tips on clothing and makeup, but I honestly had a lot more to learn from her.

Other friends of hers had seen or heard about my drag performances while that was a thing, and referred them to me for tips on clothing and makeup, but I honestly had a lot more to learn from her. Even though she hadn't started HRT, she was the first person to teach me that hormone replacement therapy was a thing, and direct me to websites where I could learn more about HRT, and vaginoplasty, and even see my first actual photos of actual vaginoplasty results. It was life changing. For years, all that had held me back were fears rooted in ignorance and misinformation spread by a transphobic society. Those results I saw weren't just a penis turned inside-out. That surgery was more than a science, it was an art-form. got to read up on vaginoplasty and learn that it was carried out with care, and attention to detail, that my parts were the same basic building blocks, built into a different shape, and that my vulva and vagina would feel, look, and function normally. I learned that nerves were preserved and sensation was there, aesthetics were there, that I'd have a clitoral glans, labia, external sensation, internal sensation, muscular control, and even some wetness from hormones. I learned that hormone replacement would help me grow natural breasts, and change the distribution of my facial and body fat, and even change the way my body smelled. I went to my (then) fiancee, and was so excited to share all this news. She'd been respectful of my friend's pronouns and very friendly with them, and I thought she'd be supportive of me too. She wasn't.

She told me she'd "signed up for a man," and to "shove it back in the closet or else." I'll never forget those words. We got married a little over a year later, but a few months in, when I came out as bigender her family got violent and things started falling apart. She grew distant and cold, snappish whenever she came home to find me presenting as female, it was obvious she was displeased and wanted me to know it. I told her there'd be more days like this coming, and before long she wanted a divorce.

The up side is that I was free to explore myself more, and I very quickly fore-went the idea of being bigender, as it just wasn't me. There are tons of valid bigender people, but no part of me wanted to continue living as a man. I came out as a transgender woman shortly thereafter once I had decided that I wanted to transition socially, and medically with HRT and GRS. That started it's own rough road, but just coming out and making the decision to transition gave me such a sense of wholeness. I guess you could say I'd known who I was for a long time, really on some level my whole life, but I'd been ignoring it, running from it, trying to compromise it, and at the age of 26 I finally accepted myself. To my closest friends, it came as no surprise. "About time," "Took you long enough," They were happy for me and supportive. For some people in my life, denial was the chosen route of coping. For some, who hadn't known me on as deep a level, somehow even for my own mother, the easiest route was to deny it, write it off as something I was doing to please the new partner I started seeing after my ex-wife, act like it was out of the blue, couldn't be true. I feel like that's similar to the experiences of a lot of trans women who come out in life, whether they experience "late onset dysphoria," or whether they simply didn't have the knowledge that trans people existed, the words to use, didn't feel safe expressing...

For me, my dysphoria was there as long as I could remember, I knew I didn't want to be a boy, my body felt foreign, especially my penis. Any idea of becoming traditionally "masculine" hit me with a sense of dread. I just imagined that all boys must want to be girls. Maybe I just had early onset dysphoria, and didn't have the knowledge to identify what my feelings were, the words to express it...

I know I didn't feel safe even once I found some level of expression in High School, even before I knew what transitioning was, outside of confiding in my closest friends. When kids bullied me thinking I was a gay boy, I couldn't stand it. When they just called me out for being feminine/girly, I never really cared. I didn't see it as a negative. I saw it as me. I saw nothing to be ashamed of, but for them it was a cause for violence. To a lot of cis people from the outside though, especially people who don't know me as well, I feel like it would be easy to look at how I came out later on in my 20's and mistake me for experiencing "late-onset" dysphoria. Really I don't like the term...

I don't like the term, or the way it's defined, or talked about. I feel like it erases experiences of dysphoria that many trans people have experienced for a lifetime and simply not had the language to express. When the Wikipedia article on transgender people talks about "Late-Onset" dysphoria, it makes note to say that trans women who come out in their adult life may be more likely to associate sexual feelings with presenting in women's clothing... And I feel like that needs to be addressed, because a lot of women's clothing that you find in adult life is *DESIGNED* *SPECIFICALLY* to sexualize women's bodies, and frankly I find nothing wrong with a woman who's trans feeling sexy in sexy clothes.

And I feel like that needs to be addressed, because a lot of women's clothing that you find in adult life is *DESIGNED* *SPECIFICALLY* to sexualize women's bodies, and frankly I find nothing wrong with a woman who's trans feeling sexy in sexy clothes. Plenty of cis women feel sexy in clothing that are designed to look sexy, and I find nothing wrong with either of these things. There's nothing wrong with being confident, or a woman feeling like she can own her sexuality and be sexy.

Women are the only gender who literally have clothing designed and marketed at us specifically FOR SEX. Let me say that again: We literally have entire sections of clothing at the store designed JUST for sex. At the same time, women's clothing in general, especially for young adults is made specifically to evoke sexuality. It accents curves, fits tight in all the "right" places. It shows off assets. It's covered in symbols of sexuality and romance. And this is also the culture young women are brought into. To look at ourselves, and the clothing rack, and ask "How can I make myself sexy?" "How can I make a mate want me?" "What accents my tits? My ass? My legs?" When you grow into that slowly, I feel like it's a bit less of a shock, but when you just get thrown into that world of skinny jeans and push-up bras and plunging necklines, stockings, fishnets, leg-shaving, and adorning accessories, where even the baggy sweatpants are fuzzy and say "Juicy" on the ass... It's pretty easy to see where one can have a bit of a shocking "Damn, I feel sexy like all the time" reaction, especially before HRT, and you know what, there's nothing wrong with that...

It's perfectly acceptable for a woman to feel sexy in her own skin, and if she's wearing clothing she feels confident and sexy in, then fuck, it's even perfectly normal for her to feel arousal with that confidence... The problem is that society is too quick to demonize women's sexuality, discourage us from *owning* feeling sexy, or enjoying it. Unless it serves a man's pleasure, our sexuality is taboo. We are allowed to be sexy as eye candy, but if a woman *feels* sexy, that's too much. If a woman looks in the mirror and feels confident, or aroused, that's too threatening for a patriarchal society to deal with, but it's a perfectly normal female experience. Straight women get it, lesbians get it, cis women get it, trans women get it. "early onset," or "late onset" has nothing to do with it, but if someone is just finally delving into that world of sexy clothes as a young adult, or even an adult, It's an adjustment. On top of that, women who are trans who come out later in life may not necessarily know the taboos. They didn't grow up in a world of sexual repression the same way that other women have, where sexuality is shamed and shackled from the moment of puberty.

Frankly I feel like we shouldn't care. I feel like no woman should care. I feel like we should all feel free to rebel against the taboos and be as sexual on our own terms as we want.

Another bigger problem, however, and where I severely take issue with the way a likely cis author has chosen to talk about this as though it were in any way abnormal is that society *LOVES* to hypersexualize trans people, specifically trans women, and make it *weird.* And I really feel like all of this stems from the fact that cis people *DO* in fact see us as sexually attractive, which is perfectly normal and acceptable, but can't deal with it on the basis of ingrained transphobia, and have to blow it out of proportion.

That's why trans porn is one of the highest ranking search categories, that's why trans women all over the internet have our inboxes *FLOODED* with men sending dick pics and going on and on about how much they want to "worship a girl-cock." That's why even cis women end up thinking it's okay to just sexually harass trans women out the wazoo with "best of both worlds," bullshit. The truth is that cis people, even when they won't admit it, can't get enough of us and the sexual fascination they experience over the idea of a woman with a penis, or a man with a vagina, and from this side, let me tell you, it gets fucking old. The problem is that because of institutionalized transphobia, even though cis people *DO* find trans people sexually attractive, publicly, y'all aren't *ALLOWED* to. It's taboo, it breaks social conventions, it shakes the idea of cisheteronormativity to its core, and like many sexual taboos, this leads to fetishization, whether closeted or open, and hypersexualization of trans people whether we want it or not. So that when y'all choose to talk about us, or write about us, the focus is on anything and everything sexual y'all can find, and often, in order to maintain a transphobic status quo, to try to make it weird. Literally the way the article reads seems to say between the lines: "Trans women who come out later in life sexualize themselves and women's clothing and experience a fetish and that's weird." It seems *INTENTIONALLY* skewed to portray the sudden but normal adjustment to feeling sexy in clothing specifically designed by a society that sexualizes women to accent everything sexy about us that it can as something *BIZZARE* and *SEXUALLY DEVIANT*

It's normal to feel sexy in clothing designed to sexualize your body. All women experience this to some extent. It's just less of a sudden shock when you've had an adjustment period, and not something that's talked about all the time when it's normal. Basically, it seems like it's trying to portray this so called "Late-Onset" Dysphoria as being synonymous with a cross-dressing fetish, and that's just not okay, not at all.

Trans women who feel sexy in clothing designed to evoke a woman's sexuality aren't experiencing a cross-dressing fetish. They are experiencing a normal part of presenting as female in a society that sexualizes women and designs our clothes to evoke that.

The article also notes that so called "Late-Onset" Dysphoria experiencing trans women are more likely to identify as lesbians... OH BOY. Seems like they are legit *TRYING* to feed into the autogynephelia myth here...

First off, PLENTY of trans women experience attraction to other women, regardless of when our dysphoria started, or when we chose to recognize it as such. I have experienced dysphoria my whole life, and yet I also like women, and my experiences are far from abnormal. *MANY* trans women with early onset dysphoria are lesbians or otherwise sapphic. The problem is that our society is homophobic, and literally associates liking men as a trait of femininity, and liking women as a trait of masculinity, which is wrong. Orientation has no bearing on gender, or vice versa.

Because of this, a trans woman who likes men is more likely to be recognized as trans early on by her parents, friends, and family members, because liking men is one of those things that society looks at and says "OH! You like men! That's a WOMAN thing!" And this is a load of homophobic bullshit. Many men like men, many women like women. Not to sound trite, but we're here, we're queer, and trans or cis, we'd appreciate it if you'd hurry the fuck up and finally get fucking used to it. Conversely a trans woman who likes other women won't have her orientation flagged as a "reason" she should be looked at as more female, so it's easier to escape recognition by her family and friends.

Upon coming out, family and friends may even respond with confusion: "Wait, you like women? So why would you 'want' to *BE* one?" again, a load of homopohobic and transphobic bullshit. Cis gay men aren't gay because they want to be women, otherwise they'd be straight trans women. Lesbian women aren't gay because they want to be men, otherwise they'd be straight trans men. These are two totally different things. Trans people are sick of it, cis queer people are sick of it, and it's about time society stopped conflating who you like with what your gender is. Liking women isn't an inherently male trait. Liking men isn't an inherently feminine trait. Who you like isn't gendered.

Anyway, PLENTY of trans women who have known dysphoria and identified as women since an early age, whether internally or externally like women. So do many who come out later in life. Acting like it's some special artifact of "Late-Onset" dysphoria is erasive, transphobic, and when coupled with bullshit making it seem weird that a trans woman who comes out later in life feels sexy in sexy clothes, it's problematic as fuck. It seems hand-tailored to split trans women into two groups: The *REAL* trans women who wear our mommies' clothes and try to chop off our penises and demand dresses when we are 3 years old, and the *fake* sexual deviant "trans women" who come out later in life.

The reality is that *ALL* trans women are valid, some of us are lesbians, bi, or pan, and *ALL* women have a right to feel sexually empowered when we put on an outfit we feel we look bomb AF in. So, yeah. This "Late-Onset" Dysphoria bullshit is exactly that, bullshit. Not saying that some trans women don't start experiencing and recognizing our identities later in life, so not saying that late-onset dysphoria isn't real, some trans women don't experience dysphoria at all, and that's all valid. What I *AM* saying is that the way the Wikipedia article on trans women has been written (probably by a cis "expert") is dubious at best, ignorant, and transphobic at worst, and furthermore that the only people who have any right *AT ALL* to be *TALKING* or *WRITING* about late onset dysphoria are *SHOCK*: Trans people who experienced it and embrace that concept/narrative. You may notice that I put the "expert" in "cis expert" in quotes earlier. This is because there is no such thing as a "cis expert" on trans people. We are the only experts. Every trans person has more experience with transness than any cis person ever could.

We live trans lives, we experience them from day one. *WE* are the experts. *WE* are the ones who should be in charge of our narratives, and *WE* are the ones who should be deciding whether our dysphoria was "Early-Onset" or "Late-Onset," or even experienced at all.

For trans women who experienced dysphoria later on in life, came out later on in life, for those of you for whom it took years to come to terms with your gender, you need to know you are valid. You're allowed to be who you are and love who you want. There's no time that's too late to know yourself, to come out, to start your transition, and you are allowed to feel sexy in whatever clothing you want, and should be free to do so without cis people acting like it's a fetish. You deserve to know that it's normal to feel sexy in clothes that your body rocks, and that you're no different from any other woman, "early-onset" dysphoric trans women, cis women, or trans women who experience no dysphoria, and just know their identity as women.

For cis people... Seriously, cut this bullshit out and stop acting like trans people are weirdly hypersexual or sexual deviants just because y'all want to hypersexualize us out of your own insecurities with finding us attractive. And stop acting like you know what is and isn't "normal" for trans people, or how we experience and express dysphoria. If anything a lot of what y'all term "Late-Onset" Dysphoria is more likely stories like mine... Stories of trans women who knew dysphoria early, but had no language for it, who knew we weren't boys, but also knew that we weren't allowed to be girls, who knew on account of y'all's transphobia that there were *CONSEQUENCES* to asking for the clothes we wanted... consequences for announcing that we were girls, that we felt like we were girls, that we were uncomfortable in our bodies and wished they were different...

Literally, I'm willing to bet that 90% of the time that a trans person comes out later in life, it's literally cis people's fault for creating an environment of hostility and violence towards trans people who do come out. If any repression comes with that, it's similarly also y'all's fault. If you want to fix it, then change trans-focused media to hire trans actors to depict trans people, and trans writers to write our characters and stories. Change the education system to teach about trans people in schools at an early age so that even if we don't learn at home, or have parents who want to prevent us from knowing ourselves, we can learn that we are valid, and be able to acknowledge that and communicate it early.

Seriously, you don't have to make us sexual. It can be as simple as "Some people who are labeled as boys at birth feel like girls and are really girls. Some people who are labeled as girls at birth feel like boys and are really boys." Very G-rated. and even better, throw in "Some people don't feel like either of those labels fits, and might be nonbinary, or not have a gender at all and be agender." "Some people feel like where they fit changes from time to time and are genderfluid." Actually talk about the word "gender" and what it is and means instead of copping out saying "it's a polite way to say sex," when sex and gender are two separate constructs. Let trans people be the ones who tell *Y'ALL* what our experiences are like instead of trying to guess from the other side of the fence based on what your existing transphobic institutions have spoon fed to you to make us seem "weird" and wrong.

Basically, if you're not trans, and you feel like going and typing on a public resource what you feel like we are and aren't, and how you want to define our narratives that you don't experience, kindly shut up, and let us speak for ourselves. We aren't yours to categorize and define, we categorize and define ourselves. It's kind of the essence of being trans. Thanks for coming to my Ted Talk.

#delia melody #trans #transgender #trans woman #dysphoria

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