#saying this (like me showing more anxiety than usual etc) aside from. her just. meaning it.

[tenok]

.

[travichughes]

You're literally so cool. Love this blog. I wanna hear about your Vic and Travis thoughts all day. How are the storyline for them in season 6 compared to the others, in your own opinion?

first of all, thank you!! i always think this fandom needs more travic stans hahah. but sorry this is going to be a long ass post because i have so much to talk about. also spoilers for the season finale

honestly, i dont have very nice things to say about travic together in season 6. i mean, they barely had anything, right? 6x01-6x03 were honestly their best episodes. vic being there for his anxiety, the humour, the soft, and then it all went downhill when eli showed up.

i think they really missed an opportunity when travis leaked the crisis one call to have them fight. vic had just told she could take over crisis one and the breach of HIPAA could have meant crisis one would have shut down, so that would have been a good storyline to navigate. i really thought they were going to fight and it was going to be rough, bit instead, we got not even a full episode of vic being slightly bad at him.

and now 6x08. the worst episode in the season for me. i spent that entire week spiralling about travis getting injured and then travic actually talking about what happened, but instead, vic and theo talked it out and then we got that god-awful trio hug which was the only travic hug we got this season!?!?!!? i was left so disappointed by that episode. it was the start of them diminishing travic and making it look like vic didn't need travis as long as she had theo. and that really hurt lmao. honestly i could go on a whole separate rant about 6x08 so i will restrain myself and move on.

everything was just meh until 6x12, a few cute soft moments dotted around (as usual) and finally, they got their first full scene since 6x06 where travis woke up from a nightmare and vic rushed into the room. instead of leaving like she could have, she came in and talked to him to make sure he was okay. let me also add this was the first time we had seen their house since season 5 so it was so glorious. i loved that scene and i just wish they gave us more relating to that. i would have loved to see travis have another nightmare and it be revealed that it was his third or something that week, and have vic just stay in his room for the rest of his night? apparently that was too much to ask LMAO

6x13... well i'm headcanoning that vic was calling travis to rant about the argument she and theo had had... and travis was uh, doing it with eli. my eyes still hurt from that

and then 6x14... what a glorious episode. i think it was the best episode of the season for them as a friendship, tied with 6x01 and 6x03. they were chaotic together, but when travis needed it, vic gave a pep-talk, and it was glorious. vc always knows exactly what to say to travis which is just so great because they they know each other more than anyone else. I'm glad it was vic talking to travis about this and not someone else.

6x15 as a whole doesnt exist to me ad the end scene of travis pushing vic aside to go say hi to cHaOs KaTe simply doesnt exist <3

6x16 and 6x17 were honestly just frustrating. vic and theo were clearly having issues, and they weren't having them in secret! you could have cut the tension in 6x15 with a knife but noooo, travis was just blind, apparently. the end of 6x17 with vic crying in her car outside of beckett's house broke my heart because she was losing theo, and she was probably just feeling really lonely and realising that she could turn into beckett and have no one to notice that she was gone, or that she was hurting. i would have paid good money for a travic scene there - travis pulling himself away from the celebrations to check where vic was and then them having a long convo about what was happening, etc...

for 6x18 i once again convinced myself that travis was gonna get injured and vic was going to have a whole crisis over the fact that she was breaking up with theo and quite possibly losing her best friend - which would have been a good callback to 6x08. instead, they were fine (thank god, but also... not?) i was honestly left a little disappointed as we didn't get any of our soft moments like we did in the finale, but yeah, thank god they're both fine. travis is gonna kill theo when he finds out that he made out with cHaOs KaTe.

also... how they kind of just made travic seem one-sided? how vic was unmistakably there EVERY SINGLE TIME when he needed support for his anxiety or whatever else, but when vic needed someone, and when she was visibly struggling, travis wasn't there? i know this show and i know that they probably had convos off screen, but the lack of support from travis to vic on screen really gave the impression to me that they weren't talking. so it showed us vic cared, but travis didn't. that's why this season to me has been my least favourite travic season, but as a whole it still beats season 5 because that was a godawful season.

individually, didnt care for the mayor storyline really after vic stopped being his campaign manager. i still hate eli so i wish they would break up and travic can just live together forever. next season, since travis probably thinks he's responsible for the death of dixon, and how he kept saying that jack saved his life, i'd lose to see him struggling with survivor's guilt - something that vic also probably struggled with post-pipeline explosion. travis is overdue for a mental health storyline so it would be the perfect time for one.

i'm also a little disappointed they didnt go down the route of travis being triggered about theo being his captain. there was so much opportunity there for feelings about theo leading him, vic and the team after he was responsible for michael's death, but no. travis was literally one of the only people to be happy that he was captain and even supported him! yikes

and for vic, she didnt really get anything until 6x06, but i loved how in 6x05 they kinda dabbled into her self-doubt because she really didn't think dixon would do something as low as leak travis's past arrest. i'm also annoyed that it took them until 6x11 again to even talk about vic taking over crisis one and what he was doing to do that.

as for her relationship with theo, thank god that's over. i swear they were doing a slowburn breakup LMAOOOO yeah, theo turned into someone vic didn't recognise and thank god she finally realised that it want good for her, but as i touched on earlier, travis not noticing the pain he was putting her through angered me beyond words. next season for her i would love to see her have a proper mental health storyline and i would love to see her adventures with leading crisis one

well, there's probably a lot more but that's all i have to say currently. i would love to discuss with you as well, feel free to dm me on here or on twitter/insta (travichughes on both) and thanks for reading this long ass rant. i really love travic and i hope they get what they deserve next season.

[canmom]

i caught up with bocchi e8 (the big turning point in the narrative arc) so I can finally read this post. (also, for anyone else who's wondering, the @centrally-unplanned post it's referring to is here.)

kb your analysis is precise and thoughtful (as ever!). the broader synthesis is a nice complement to the very credits and techniques-focused sakugablog writeup. I want to write something a bit more substantial about bocchi than I did yesterday, and this seems like a good place to jump in. This segment being the key part:

Both musically and socially, Bocchi's character development, in this metaphor, is just cashing in on skills and traits she already has. There's a happy Bocchi with fulfilling social relationships ready to be actualized the same way that there's a baller fucking lead guitarist waiting to kick ass. Something something "SHOUJO YO, SHINWA (GUITAR HERO) NI NARE!"

That sounds kinda weak. Like really? Her problem is that she's already awesome and just needs to show it to the world? But people who identify with Bocchi love the show, and they seem to love it in a similar way to how they loved Watamote.

Just what do people want from representation anyway?

Is it really as simple as being able to point to a character and say "SHE'S JUST LIKE ME FR FR?" I mean, maybe. Obviously the answer is "different things, different people," but that's just as obviously a non-answer to get around the fact that I don't even understand why I've felt the way I do about different people and characters at different points in my life. In my case it's not social anxiety, but the contours of the problem are obvious in any context.

I feel like this inspires some thoughts, but they're not entirely cemented until I start writing them down, so if you'll forgive a slightly meandering post...

This question about "representation" is a worthwhile one, especially since in the current era it's treated as the overriding value of fiction. Usually in the kind of weak criticism that Ash was talking about, it's parsed in terms of some kind of label or trait: this character is trans/autistic/butch/whatever and the star of the show ergo, good work. I've gotten tired of this kind of way of approaching 'trans rep' but apparently I'm all too happy to write words like 'autistic girl mood' when attempting to articulate the appeal of this show so, welp. There's probably grounds for such a framing - she dislikes making eye contact, she has intense special interests, blah blah, closes DSMV with a snap - but...

...but rather than capturing the specific experience of a specific demographic, Bocchi's experiences in the show are exaggerations of circumstances that probably the majority of people have felt. For example, in episode 7, entering a room in which people are having a good time in a way you're not really accustomed to, and not feeling sufficiently confident to smoothly insert yourself... that is probably one of the basic problems of being a social creature isn't it? It's a skill you have to learn and it will come back to haunt you every time your confidence has taken some knocks. The degree may vary, but it's not exactly an experience that only socially anxious/autistic/etc. girls ever experience, even if it's particularly associated with that label.

Then, apply extreme exaggeration and visual humour - which is just getting more complex with elaborate pastiches of 90s anime and nausicaa and etc. - turns it into a symbol, so if you have any social anxiety at all you probably can get a bit #relatable from Bocchi. Indeed, probably many people I see as enviably confident and social will look at Bocchi and think 'mood'.

(Also as an aside - Bocchi's parents fucking suck lol. No wonder she's like this if they bully her for bringing friends over.)

Probably a big part of the value of turning into a drama like this is it gives you a way to view these problems externally with a bit of distance and humour without the cringe vulnerability of actually spelling it out to another person. Bocchi's world is a pretty comforting fantasy - as you observe, she really does have the potential to be both a skilled musician and a valued friend. Her lyrics are more appealing when she writes what's in her heart than attempting to appeal to what she thinks is popular. Her friends do find her foibles charming rather than annoying.

And there's likely some truth in all that, it's probably a message worth receiving, for people who are poised to assume the opposite. People are shockingly bad at knowing what other people are thinking about them and frequently poised to assume the worst, so a 'best case' scenario is worth presenting. The tricky part is getting around the "well, bully for her!" feeling of resentment.

I think in a way the show talks about its own function, in the segment where Bocchi is writing lyrics. She's put off by overly positive songs about happiness and success. When she writes lyrics, she first assumes she should write a fairly generically encouraging song (although as usual, anime highschooler hypercompetence applies - I don't imagine a lot of real kids Bocchi's age could )...

Official subs (not sure exact source, I assume crunchyroll) render this...

Can't do it anymore You say as you give up on moving forward On a road that seems to go on forever It feels like you'll never arrive anywhere And that's got you worried, doesn't it?

But hey now, listen up Don't forget you're not alone, that we're all here We're sending you this cheer just as your heart's about to break

Your dreams will come true Don't give up until the very end! Your dreams will come true Believe in yourself the way you are Believe in yourself and get walking again!

Glory awaits you ahead, I know it For everyone around the world trying hard, <Go for it!>

Ryo persuades her she'd be better off writing the 'bitter, social-outcast lyrics' that she naturally wants to write, ([根からて]どんよりな歌詞 is my best guess but i'm really struggling with that first word) because...

Warning, the memesubs have breached containment.

But later more sincerely, she says to write them because even if they pass most of the audience by, they'll mean a lot more to the few specific people they do 'hit'.

Is that what Bocchi is doing, though?

"Character at the start of career overcomes difficulty and succeeds by dint of pluck and offscreen hard work" is a pretty standard anime plot, especially for a music anime. I find it charming when done well, but it can easily feel like a sentimental cliché. Much as Bocchi needs to write lyrics relatable to someone in her particular situation, if it's going to sell us on such a plot, Bocchi the Rock has to convince us that Bocchi really is struggling as much as (we feel) we are. And that's where the creative humour comes in to really underline that point.

Now, having hopefully determined that the setup is fully loaded, we fire the payoff where Bocchi starts to break out of her shell, her secret gets out, etc. etc. Not sure what they'll do in the remaining four episodes of the season (episode 9 just came out so I guess I'll find out soon) - this is one of the toughest parts to write through, where you've resolved the first main conflict. Perhaps we'll take a minute to focus on the other characters, perhaps Bocchi will snap back to old ways? Idk, regardless...

Watching episode 8 of Bocchi - well, perhaps I was just attuned to this by reading kVin's comments on storyboarding, but I was really conscious of how it was constructed. We establish a conflict: there's a typhoon so turnout is low, and the girls are discouraged, so they perform badly. It's hard to tell from actually listening to the music whether the girls are supposed to be doing well or badly (for me anyway), so in addition to the character animation doing its level best to sell their mental state, we establish a few indicators: the expressions of Nijika's sister and the comments of the two NPCs at the back of the hall who have never heard of Kesshoku Band, and in case that's not enough, Bocchi's voiceover tells you what to look at. All clear setup.

Despite this, or perhaps because of all this setting up a tension, when Bocchi's moment comes, it does feel great. Then we have the extended dénouement at the izakaya to cement the transformation we've seen. (I could apply the kishōtenketsu template here but it's probably obvious.)

(Now I'm kind of thinking - if the show has sort of asked us to think about how people relate to fiction, if the increasing number of genre-pastiche jokes where the visual style changes then draw extra attention to dramatic conventions, where will it take it?)

Anyway, returning to 'representation' - I kind of think anime girls in these shows exist as a kind of asymptotic extension of experiences. Combine that with the otaku 'database' thing where a character exists as an instantiation of traits, and it's like, ok, this character has an intense niche passion for x, which is most effective if you like x (for me that means Eizouken is the ideal form of this sort of anime) but more generally if you have any sort of intense niche passion, it hits a point of connection.

So what you get is... it isn't exactly that Bocchi is like me (I am not a Japanese highschooler with pink hair and a passion for rock music - shocking admissions, I know), but that she's an extreme and readily parsible iteration of both quite common but strongly felt and more niche sets of feelings, and then by setting up the affective link - "yes, you get it, that's exactly how it is mr. clover works" you can roll out the narrative arc, so you get to, ok, here's some vicarious relief from that struggle. now go get em tiger etc.

I guess at this point I've just made it sound like a more subtle version of a Disney-renaissance film, with its "I want" songs whose yearnings are all neatly resolved by the end with the happy hetero couple embracing. Or a Facebook cartoon about having a cat or some shit. Those Disney films ring hollow, of course, and a more modern cartoon attempts to draw a character whose conflicts are a bit more substantial. And, to be fair, all I've really described is having a narrative conflict and resolving it, stuff that's pretty universal.

What would an alternative be? How to drop that arc altogether?

You mention WataMote, but I haven't seen that so can't common rip. Instead I think of a prompt-driven webcomic called Prequel, which at least in its early arcs (I haven't read that far in) presents a character who really does just fail at every turn. And it's kind of brutal to read. That might be what a less hopeful Bocchi would come across like; but it would be too 'relatable', perhaps, because well, that's how it already is, or rather, how it feels like it might be. There exists a desire to be told it's not as futile as all that, and that's what Bocchi serves. There's enough overlap between various kinds of social difficulty that you can read into her whatever your brain stuff is, but still with a hint of aspirational relief.

At this point it probably sounds like I'm trying to dismiss Bocchi and I'm really not >< Honestly, it is a relief to watch these stories which both speak in an idiom I recognise, and can tell me that things could turn out kinda OK, even if it's really absurd like Pompo the Cinéphile. (I remember watching that and turning to @schizsune and us both going 'I love anime'). A lot of anime turns on making things, learning a craft, getting good at something, and that's the way I want to imagine myself, on a course to becoming a confident artist who has something worthwhile to say, even if it seems increasingly hard to see it as true. Perhaps somehow the combination of a familiar 'want' with a type of distance (it's in another language, the characters are drawings not actors) makes it easier to find that narrative in anime than other media? Hmm. I think of something that @iridescent-mud-dauber wrote in a story once:

I can see the appeal, it’s easier to ignore the brainwash and cultural baggage that something is soaked in if it’s not the brainwash and culture that you’re used to seeing. It’s novel.

Back to Bocchi...

Kesshoku Band worry a lot about being 'band-like'. They're attempting to step into a certain prescribed social role, sold to them via sites like Instagram - sorry, Isstagram - and they're doing their best to sell it in turn. As such we glimpse the idea of 'a band' rippling along the human substrate and evolving. If that sounds somewhat dismissive and above it all, I could equally say the same of 'webgen animator' or 'sakuga fan'. Each of these cultural practices holds a promise - it is a site to build connections with people and break through the general atomisation. In this period of capitalism, and perhaps many other times in history I would not know, that is how you are supposed to construct yourself.

So will Bocchi rest here, and continue to tell of Bocchi coming out of her shell and succeeding at music? Or will it try and drive further? Is the loneliness that drives Bocchi still waiting the minute she steps out the door? Will the encouragement via parasocial bonds she's just starting to discover start to mean less and less, while criticism remains just as devastating? Will she start more and more desperately chasing that 'high' of being with people, and will it turn out that she loses that sense of confidence right when she thinks she's finally cracked it? Will it turn out that having fans in a stadium means about as much as having a big following on youtube to answer her struggle with depression? If the Bocchi can capture that set of feelings, or some other spin beyond 'Kesshoku Band are duly rewarded with success and fame', it really will be interesting.

Anyway probably a lot of Bocchi's success just comes down to like... craft stuff. You could easily imagine an anime with the same premise and structure that sucks, but visual inventiveness, expressive and consistent character animation, a strong sense of cohesion and confidence in its creation... it all comes together instead. A simple concept done well, rather than a complex concept done poorly - that's enough!

In the end, I'm not sure I said anything that wasn't there more succinctly in the original post. But whoops, that's hedging. Like Bocchi might. Ha. Thanks for reading ><

@centrally-unplanned wrote earlier that Bocchi isn't really thematically complex, and that seems fair on the balance, but there are a few things I'd note.

Courtesy Read More:

(but first here's a bocchi so this post doesn't show up as just one (1) paragraph of text on your dash)

The first episode makes a big point of the fact that even though Bocchi is an accomplished guitarist with a fanbase under her guitarhero activities, this doesn't translate to immediately being a great guitarist in the context of a band. A criticism I hear sometimes of anime like Carole & Tuesday is that they're immediately able to collaborate fruitfully (read: not suck) in a way that could never fucking happen. Bocchi sets up a dynamic where to flourish musically is to flourish socially, and in a way which has a hard, grit basis in the firmament of reality. Score one for Bocchi, but this fades into the background pretty quickly.

-but not entirely, and not forever. The idea returns in EP06 with the street performance. Bocchi notices (and tells the audience) that Hiroi's bass provides a firm basis for Bocchi to play however she feels. Hiroi, being a Touhou oni, is a very open, honest person with a good heart and no social inhibition. It's a joke that her proposition to Bocchi to play a duet sounds like a proposition to make love, but it's part and parcel of how "naked" she is in general. As Kyouray points out, Hiroi is subtly erotic. This is about as supportive a musical relationship as Bocchi has in the whole show to that point, and she manages a breakthrough of a sort as a result. I guess only an otaku would make the idea of physical intimacy a signifier of a social safe space. This is why anime rules btw.

It's a lot weirder than that though. When Bocchi is preparing for the concert, it intercuts with the rest of Kessoku Band (which I will not be abbreviating as KB) talking about how Bocchi has no friends because she's so damn shy and unapprochable – "but Bocchi's so fun!" It's true: Bocchi has a funny, kind, distinct personality under those pink bangs – the same way that Bocchi also happens to already be a crazy good guitarist. Both musically and socially, Bocchi's character development, in this metaphor, is just cashing in on skills and traits she already has. There's a happy Bocchi with fulfilling social relationships ready to be actualized the same way that there's a baller fucking lead guitarist waiting to kick ass. Something something "SHOUJO YO, SHINWA (GUITAR HERO) NI NARE!"

That sounds kinda weak. Like really? Her problem is that she's already awesome and just needs to show it to the world? But people who identify with Bocchi love the show, and they seem to love it in a similar way to how they loved Watamote. That's interesting, because Kuroki in the beginning and through the part of the manga which the anime adapts has jack shit going for her – I mean nothing. She's sorta the anti-Bocchi. I don't say this because I think one of these is the right approach and the other is wrong, but because maybe thinking about this fact will get us closer to the ultimate question:

Just what do people want from representation anyway?

Is it really as simple as being able to point to a character and say "SHE'S JUST LIKE ME FR FR?" I mean, maybe. Obviously the answer is "different things, different people," but that's just as obviously a non-answer to get around the fact that I don't even understand why I've felt the way I do about different people and characters at different points in my life. In my case it's not social anxiety, but the contours of the problem are obvious in any context.

In EP08, Bocchi does actually "become the legend (guitar hero)" and provides the rest of Kessoku Band with a charismatic lead to follow so they don't tank their first concert. Again, this is the fungibility of musical capital with social: Bocchi is able to bring her guitar skills to bear to solve the musical problem (not sucking) with its social basis (everyone is terrified and no one has both the musical skill and personality to do something about it). By doing so, her identity as guitarhero becomes obvious to anyone who knows her work – especially Nijika.

In their conversation outside the izakaya, Bocchi frames it in super literal terms: she doesn't see herself as a "hero" and didn't want to tell anyone until she gets her shit together – especially because Nijika respects "guitarhero" so much. On the other hand, Nijika thinks that Bocchi is the key to everyone's desires for the band, musically, which Bocchi will solve socially – and one may infer that as a result the band will become better friends. As may be seen, Nijika is secretly the most unhinged of them all. I think we should understand her having come to this conclusion after the concert, but I think we should also understand Nijika having already pegged "guitarhero" as the sort of person who could make her dreams come true. This hints at the idea of a parasocial musical relationship, which isn't that odd to me. My kamioshi is Pomu Rainpuff. I can claim to know some things about her as a person, but I also feel like there are some things about her as a performer that I get in a way which I wouldn't if I didn't do live programming myself.

In this way, everyone's naïve expectations at the start of the show turn out to be 100% correct. Learning guitar really did let Bocchi connect and become popular. Not only that, but she's positioned as an almost messianic figure whose destiny it is to bring about the hopes of every member of Kessoku Band. The girls have dreamt it – so it shall be! The key to self-improvement is the right mix of chuunibyou and special interests. This moral is unironically based.

It's worth noting that Bocchi's music is what attracted Kita too, but also that she derives some of her own strength from the two fans she made at the street concert. I think it's the least surprising thing in the world to say fandom of a musician can be a sort of parasocial relationship, and in this case Bocchi has a parasocial relation with them in turn – deriving some small amount of strength from their existence and their support, which obviously has a real basis but is necessarily partly extrapolated. This isn't really that interesting or novel, but it fits into the mesh.

Unrelatedly, director Saitou said this in an interview translated on sakugablog:

That's another thing this anime is good at. It reminds me of the very strange but interesting episode of K-ON!! where Mugi is low key jealous of the physicality that Mio and Ritsu have, and that Yui just sorta asserts through her lack of inhibition. Houkago Tea Time are all very close, but there are different kinds of closeness.

I had more to say, but I should probably go to bed.

[tsukishimas-shortcake]

Relationship Headcanons

↦ Character(s): Hakkai Shiba x fem!reader

↦ Rating/Warning: No rating though there are some light mentions of abuse (if you have read the manga you are aware of what I am talking about, I’m not going very deep into it though it literally just mentions it), mentions of anxiety attacks (no detail though), fluff, not proof read

↦ Word count: 1.8k (longer than planned, sections are bolded)

↦ Your Momo’s Receipt: Hello~ I’m post yet another TR headcanon and this was requested by the lovely @strawbub I hope this doesn’t disappoint, it did get longer than planned but I enjoyed writing it. I'll prob do a part two that's more of a scenario based on your first date or something since I didn't go into it here. Please note: for those of you who don’t know my blog is currently under construction, meaning I will not be updating my masterlist for the time being.

So how did you guys meet, well mostly because of Yuzuha,

One day in like elementary you’re walking home and you see this super pretty middle school girl just like yelling at this small group of guys

The guys end up running off just because they don’t wanna deal with her or the attention she's drawn to them

Behind her was a boy, taller than her but obviously younger. You didn’t assume they knew eachother though.

The boy and yuzuha began walking in opposite directions because one was going home while the other was going to pick up something like groceries

You’re so entranced by how she stood up to them yet she’s a girl who was far smaller and you end up catching up to her, almost stepping on her heels

You end up absent mindedly following her into the grocery store and eventually she just freezes, turns, and stare directly at you

Your eyes widen since you must’ve been staring and she just goes “may I ask why you’re following me?” And you explain how cool she was earlier. She invites you over for dinner (esp since her older brother won’t be home) and figured it’d be good for Hakkai to meet someone his age

You end up going over but Hakkai didn’t come down to eat so you never actually got to meet him, though from then on you would see Yuzuha every so often, visit every other weekend or so

But no matter how often you came over the next few months, you never once met hakkai,

That was until you both reached the end of your middle school education and we’re about to begin high school

You had gone over because you were going to borrow an old work book from Yuzuha, and when you go to knock on the door the door opens before your closed fist could hit it, instead hitting a firm chest

You blush and quickly apologize but the person in front of you doesn’t move at all, doesn’t say anything and almost looks like they drifted into space with their dead stare

You assume this is yuzuha’s older brother because you’ve also never met him and you immediately turn to walk away but Yuzuha calls over hakkai’s shoulder

“Y/N-Chan! You just got here where are you going?” This was def not yuzuha’s older brother. There’s no way she’d be that happy with him around; oh my god. Realization hit, the guy who you hit (though it was more of a tap) was hakkai.

The hakkai you had only caught a glimpse of in yuzuha’s photos, never talked to or actually seen in person despite going to the same school and living in the same neighborhood

He must hate you. That’s why he avoids you. That’s def why - is what you think

Yuzuha drags hakkai back inside and invites you in; you sit down with them in the living room and watch hakkai visibly relax now that he’s inside his house, his own space, with a pillow behind him and a blanket covering his lower half, he almost curls up into it as he continues to avoid your stare

“Hi hakkai…Kun? Im L/N Y/N” you say and you see his face dead pan once again

Yuzuha can be heard laughing from the kitchen as she comes back in.

She leans over and begins explaining that hakkai literally just freezes with any interaction between him and girls who aren’t in his family

You nod, thinking maybe it’s an anxiety thing? Which is the case with you, but only because he’s been watching you since you’ve come over (not in a creepy way) wanting to and working the courage up to talk to you

The 5th or so time you came over after that encounter he was inches away from introducing himself before the house phone rang causing everyone to kind of “wake up” in a sense

Every time since then he gets closer and closer but isn’t able to say anything; he even realizes he has a crush on you.

The way you sit when you do homework and how cute you look when you’re focused.

How your forehead scrunches up when you’re trying to figure something out and you end up just sitting back with a small huff followed by yuzuha’s signature laughter.

It’s also a huge thing that you get along with Yuzuha.

So enough with first meeting time for the confession.

He ends up confessing accidentally. He didn’t know you were coming over to begin with so he was flustered out of his mind. And how was he supposed to know you hadn’t actually fallen asleep and you could hear him over the tv

The tv was more white noise than anything and the day was hot since it was the middle of summer causing the window to be open and the sound of soft wind and small birds to drift in; this was the hot that makes you tired so you were all sprawled out of just sitting in a daze

So while resting your head on the table you’re dozing in and out but then you hear hakkai begin to speak, something he never really did around you

Now did you and hakkai text? Yes. Did it take him an hour to reply because his brain would explode when you replied to him? Yes. But was it a start to communication? Also a yes.

You hear him say your name quietly before he moved closer, you can feel his gaze on your features

“I like you” is all he says. Simple and sweet. But you sit there in shock, trying not to blush so he’ll have no idea you heard him but he can tell because your forehead scrunches

You heard him and are focused on if you should reply or not. And he knows that.

You open your eyes and just look up at him, he’s closer than expected. His hand close to yours on the floor and he reaches over and grabs it lightly. Hoping you’ll also return the gesture by holding his hand instead of leaving your hand limp inside his.

And you do, thank goodness, and Hakkai almost mentally can’t handle it.

Once you start dating it’s more so just hanging out at his house or yours; however he talks a bit more and you text a lot more. He’s gotten better at replying. It usually takes him like 15 minutes now

He’s kinda stressed about your relationship but not due to anything you or him did

He’s stressed because of the mentality his older brother gave him

Is he even allowed to be this happy?

He finally has someone thats small enough and naive enough that he can protect you; compared to constantly being protected it’s a sudden, strong, yet good change for him

He’s touch s t a r v e d

Yes Yuzuha shows affection; but he stopped accepting her hugs when he was around 8 just because he physically wasn’t able to handle it due to his bruises and such

But with you, even with his bruises and all you take care of him. Able to coax him into using medicines and toning down the physical violence (that he can control himself)

He also finds it super soothing when you lightly brush over his scars (especially those that his brother gave him), it helps him believe that scars are only physical and can fade with help

One thing that stresses him out the most is trying to hide you from his brother. Any time you leave something at the house its easy to pass it off as yuzuha's but when it comes to things like photos he has with you, he can't hang them up, show them off, or have them as his phone Lock Screen, etc. because he just really doesn't want his brother to know and target you since he'll then know that you're his weakness (aside from yuzuha as well)

Sometimes won't explain why he can't hang out and has legit pushed you out of his house before at the last minute notice of his brother coming home

Will always make sure you get home safe though, usually by having Yuzuha go with you since then she can just say you're a friend from school

Your parents love him, though they were a bit hesitant it became a "you always have a place to stay" because they learned about their family situation from you and yuzuha. So expect him to spend the night when he's too scared to deal with his brother. Same with yuzuha. (yes I know this isn't yuzuha head canons but its hard to write for him without mentioning her when they're so close)

We're talking three person sleep overs. Yuzuha and you of course share the bed and Hakkai takes some time to even set foot in your room much less sleep on a mattress that's on the floor

He has a small heart attack every time he comes into your room because he's overwhelmed with everything, he's never been so comfortable and it makes him feel restless. Like he's never and I mean n e v e r been less stressed and slept better than when he does so in your room

The smell, the colors, just being surrounded by you is something that completely changes his mood

Once showed up after he fought with his brother, tears in his eyes and clothes a bit tattered and you just pulled him to your room, and sat down with him.

You laid on your bed with him laying down onto of you, head on your chest as you rubbed his head and only said a few words "its not your fault"

He ends up crying so hard he falls asleep and gets dehydrated and you have to make him drink a bunch of water when he finally wakes up.

NSFW

super fucking careful w you

almost annoyingly so, but you're understanding

He knows that he might be taking things frustratingly slow but he knows that since you understand and know his history that you can help him get through it

Your first time you think you'll have to call it off because he's shaking so bad

"baby... are you sure it won't hurt you?" he keeps asking.

pretty sure that's the longest its ever taken him to finish because he was so anxious

despite being so slow and hesitant, late he isn't too scared to get a bit rougher

but im not talking anything crazy im talking like he's willing to pull your hair a bit or nip a bit harder at your neck.

Please never ask him to do anything like degrade you or some type of harsh physical rough shit, he can't

like literally im 99% sure that if you ask him to choke you or something he will pass out because of the anxiety attack he would have at even the thought.

in short with nsfw though he is sweet boy. He's a switch through and through. Loves when you take care of everything because then he doesn't have to be scared of hurting you.

[what---i-dated-a]

Okay so I didn’t wanna derail this post because I think it’s a really good analysis of Parker’s character and her development into the Mastermind but it DID make me think of something and y’all know how I love to analyze and to go on my Nate Is Such A Dad rants so here we are

So the thing is, all three of the younger members of the team showcase different aspects of the Mastermind skillset.

Eliot is an observer, he is constantly absorbing information, analyzing it, filing it away in case it could be useful later. The repetition of ”What? It’s a very distinctive (blank)” and “What? I dated a (profession)” or similar lines are consistent evidence of this skill. He remembers things that the average person doesn’t even notice in the moment. He is constantly aware of what is going on around him, constantly watching. He knows how to insert himself into a situation as needed, knows how to adapt to unexpected circumstances. His vigilance and ability to think on his feet mirror Nate.

I’ve said it before, Hardison is the heart of the crew. He’s the one who cares. They all care, of course, but Hardison wears that on his sleeve. He’s invested. He digs deep into every case that they come across, dives into every job, does the research, forms the profiles, gets hands-on and involved even from behind his computer screen. (As an aside, I think it’s an interesting choice to take the character who has the least reason to be in the field, and make him the most visibly emotional person on the crew, rather than playing the ‘cold detached tech guy’ card.) Because he cares so much (and a little because of his ego, let’s be honest), Hardison doesn’t quit. He sees things through. Just like Nate.

Parker, meanwhile, is analytical. She’s a planner. She spends her free time plotting how to break into high security facilities for fun. Like the post I linked says, she’s the one who thinks of the details the others don’t remember to worry about. She’s (usually) able to set her emotions aside and look at things from an objective perspective. She sees the obstacles in front of her, and figures out if she needs to go over, under, through, etc. She is constantly treating the world around her as a puzzle she needs to solve. Again, a trait she shares with Nate.

And Nate is, yes. A dad. More to the point, he’s a dad with no child, a parent who lost his son, and he has no one to pass his knowledge and wisdom on to. That was taken from him. So what does he do? He finds surrogate children in his crew, and he teaches the three of them as best he can. He offers them advice, tries to help them improve and be the best they can be. Gives them little lessons and nudges them along, sets puzzles in front of them and helps them solve them. Because that’s what good dads do, and Nate is a good dad.

So then, what makes Parker the heir? It’s not that she was inherently more suited for the position than the others; they all had different traits that made them capable of ascending to that particular throne.

The difference is that Eliot and Hardison, for the most part, feel like Complete People. (I mean in their own perception, mind, not the perception of the audience, all the characters are beautifully well-rounded from a writing perspective, and no character is every really truly Complete.) They have their area of expertise, and while they dabble in other areas, they aren’t bothered by the role they play. Both of them are confident in who they are as a person, if not always happy with it (both have their fair share of anxiety and neither thinks that they’re perfect, far from it).

Hardison makes a couple of forays into stretching beyond his current abilities, but he gets in over his head and it sort of bites him in the ass. Considering how smart he is, I have to wonder if he has some of that Gifted Kid Syndrome, where if he’s not instantly perfect at something, he doesn’t want to do it. Because he tries at running things and seems to more or less decide he’s happy doing what he does.

Eliot, meanwhile, is too protective of the others to worry about being in charge. He doesn’t want to lead; if he’s in the lead, he can’t watch their backs. He teaches them a lot so that they can hopefully defend themselves if he’s not there, but at the end of the day, there’s no one he trusts more to protect them than himself. He’ll take charge when he needs to, but he’s more than happy to hand it back as soon as possible.

Parker, though? Parker doesn’t think she’s a Complete Person. She’s confident in her skills, but not much else. She’s uncomfortable with people and constantly being made aware of the fact that she’s Not Quite Normal. There’s nothing wrong with the person she is, of course, but try telling that to the people who keep giving her weird looks (including Eliot, he’s not getting off the hook for that one). She knows she’s different, and while she’s okay with who she is on a certain level, she also feels like she’s missing out on things, some of which she decides that she does, in fact, want.

So when Nate goes to teach, Eliot and Hardison learn what they need to, file that information away to pull out when it’s relevant, and more or less carry on with their business. But Parker absorbs it and makes it a part of herself. You can see, as the show progresses, how she goes from asking Nate questions just because she’s trying to solve The Puzzle That Is Nate, to asking him questions because she wants to solve the same puzzle he’s solving. Eliot and Hardison view Nate as an ally, a teammate. They don’t learn from him anymore than they do each other, or Parker and Sophie. Parker, on the other hand, very much views him as a mentor. More than the others, she sees him as what he’s trying to be to them, however subconsciously: a dad.

[chat-noir-always-here]

Debunking “Adrien is perfect”

  To voice a rather non-Marinette-like opinion of Adrien: He’s not perfect. He’s never been perfect. He has, in fact, been riddled with flaws from the very beginning. Part of the reason Chat Noir gets hate is because he serves to exaggerate Adrien’s flaws and make them more obvious, destroying the perfectionism façade. And the sooner Marinette tosses the “I love the perfect Adrien” filter in the trash where it belongs, and starts actively recognizing and acknowledging his faults, the better off the endgame relationship will be.

 Long post is long and I don’t like cuts, cuz i’ve lost a few posts in the past using them. Please filter the tag “long post” I use it for walls of texts like these. 

First of all, flaws are just one of the many things that happen when someone either learns something the wrong way, spends too much time in the wrong environment, lack any decent role models... really there are a plethora of causes. What i mean is character shortcomings aren’t necessarily reasons to hate the character themselves. They’re more or less internal obstacles put there to be overcome in order to portray character growth. Of course spending an exaggerated amount of time with these characters without seeing them overcome particular shortcomings is frustrating it does not necessarily mean they will never be redeemed or developed and are/were deserving of hate.

 Except for Gabriel. That creature belongs behind bars.

 Most of Adrien’s flaws come from his toxic home situation:

The Miraculous Wiki puts Adrien at fifteen. Meaning Adrien has only been actively leaving the house (for public school and the occasional social get-together) for about a year. His fourteenth birthday was one of the earliest episodes and im assuming his fifteenth birthday happened off screen between the s3 finale and the new york special.

Regardless the majority of his life was spent in isolation and his only company was his immediate family, Nathalie, Felix and Chloe. None of whom are particularly good role models except for Emilie. Maybe.

He’s rather overworked for a 14 y.o. boy. On top of school, he has fencing, piano and Chinese lessons. This leaves him with very little time for himself. 

He lost his mother. In Feast, Adrien expresses Emilie was a source of joy in his life--”Only Mom can make me laugh like that.” Felix marked the one year anniversary of her disappearance.  Worse still, we’re led to assume all Adrien knows is that Emilie disappeared. Did she abandon him? Was she kidnapped and killed? He doesn’t know. He has no closure regarding her absence. 

On top of losing his mother, his only remaining parent is an emotionally manipulative and abusive prick. Gabriel has denied Adrien a birthday party, threatened to take Adrien out of school just because he can, never lets him have friends over for any reason, hardly ever makes time for Adrien and only once in a blue moon will actually sit and eat a meal with the poor kid.

And on top of all of this he’s not out of the woods yet. He’s still living with his abusive father. He’s still not allowed to see his friends outside of school much. He’s still got a packed schedule. He still doesn’t have closure regarding his mother’s “disappearance.”

Looking at it like this paints Adrien in a rather sympathetic light.

 Marinette doesn’t know Gabriel is Hawk Moth either, but she does understand Adrien is lonely, isolated and in need of a source of love and comfort. She also understands to some degree that his heart is delicate, so she constantly handles him with kid gloves and looks on him with a perfection filter. 

We see how Mari reacts to upsetting Adrien in Malediktator when she softly whispers an apology after Adrien expresses his sorrow over everyone celebrating Chloe’s departure. She’s seems pained and distraught over causing him to be upset. Thus the reason Marinette calls Adrien perfect isn’t that she never sees any of his flaws--she just cannot acknowledge or process them under these conditions. Shes too busy trying not to hurt him. She also has shown some signs of having extreme anxiety, which messes with ones head and makes it difficult--nearly impossible--to think straight. She wants to be the source of love and comfort he desires (and already is in a way) so his faults go unprocessed.

But what are Adrien’s flaws?

1. He has trouble standing up for himself. 

He’ll take a stand for others.

 He stood up to Chloe on Mylene’s behalf in Horrificator and on Marinette/ Cheng Sifu’s behalf in Kung Food. He stood up to Lila in Oni-chan and Ladybug. He stood up to Gabriel in Simon Says--but as Chat Noir, not Adrien. 

There have only been two-ish instances of Adrien, not Chat Noir, standing up for himself. I say -ish only because he was kinda standing up for Lila in the first and Chloe in the second. 

First in Volpina he stood up to Ladybug for how she handled the situation with Lila. He personally believed she handled the situation poorly (which she did--there were/are serious consequences for that. still) and although he was kinda wishy-washy in conveying that it was only because he was scared of sounding too much like Chat Noir. Her partner. Her chief-of-staff. Who can and will call her out on such behavior. 

Second in Malediktator, when he more or less told Marinette she was wrong to be happy about Chloe leaving. Granted this was partly him standing up for Chloe, but aside from her—he, Adrien, was deeply upset chloe was leaving on such bad terms and made sure Marinette understood that. 

Abused children tend to be somewhat submissive/agreeable/etc. They have trouble speaking out when they’re uncomfortable or don’t want something or think a particular action is wrong. Usually because they are anticipating some kind of punishment for speaking out or afraid of offending the other person to the point that said person wants nothing to do with them anymore, or both.

 For Adrien to fix this particular flaw, he needs to prioritize himself and his own wants more. However he also needs someone who doesn’t chastise him for doing things he likes, tending to his own needs and setting boundaries. Kagami is not that person--she’s actually quite demanding of him and cold. Her understanding of relationships isnt great either, which is why these two really aren’t that great for each other. 

2. He puts his faith in the wrong people

  Adrien’s fucking household is about as toxic as it can get (please don’t take this as a challenge, S4). On top of his immediate family consisting of his abusive, toxic, terrorist father, there’s his cousin Felix. Felix who squished cheese under Adrien’s pillow, stole his phone, pretended to be him and sent an outrageous and awful video to his friends. 

 There’s also his mother Emilie whom, despite his love and adoration of her, lied to him for who knows how long and messed around with a broken miraculous to the point it forced her into an indefinite coma and left Adrien at his father’s mercy. There are theories that she did this for her family but nothing concrete or canon has been proven--all we know is that Emilie had been having frequent dizzy spells while she was still awake and using the peacock miraculous, and that she anticipated her fate and Gabriel apparently promised to save her.

There’s Lila, as well. “She’s not dangerous. She just craves attention.” Wrong, Adrien, she’s very dangerous. She is conspiring with your father to spy on you, attempted to get Marinette expelled from school, tricked you into leaving Ladybug alone with a supervillain whom she personally requested to kill Ladybug, pinned Marinette against a bathroom wall and almost got her akumatized, actually got Marinette akumatized and nearly cost you both the Ladybug Miraculous and TIkki. She isn’t just dangerous she is an actual threat, whether or not she is the future Hawk Moth who sent Timetagger after you when you were children with time-sensitive powers. Adrien has a slightly better understanding of that after the events of Ladybug and Oni-chan, so hopefully he will be on his guard at least in regards to Lila.

 The reason for Adrien’s overly trusting nature may lie in the fact that literally everyone closest to him, everyone for the first thirteen years or so, was toxic and/or a liar. You know what happens when you can’t trust anyone around you? You live with it. You accept all these bad people as they are, without making any effort to establish healthy boundaries. Adrien certainly lived with it--how’s an abused, isolated boxed-and-sheltered son supposed to know what healthy boundaries are when he’s lacking any healthy connections? I bet he can just barely endure all the anguish but he can’t stand to be alone so he just tolerates it. Not to mention the most guilty is his father. Where else is he supposed to go?

Like a frog sitting in a pot of water, you don’t realize you’re in trouble until the water is too hot. So you just accept it--all the bad feelings--you accept it, live with it and it still hurts but you rarely complain. Because anything is better than being alone. 

I think Adrien understands, deep down, that the love he is clinging to, the love provided by his relatives, isn’t really there. But if he looks at it too long and lets this knowledge sink in he’ll lose it. He really did lose it in Chat Blanc-- just that sky-crashing-down-on-him realization that he didn’t have his fathers love, hadn’t had it for a long time, just completely ruined our boy. 

 Of course the knowledge is there. It’s literally right there in front of his face and it’s only a matter of time before he is forced to turn and look and face the music. At which point I hope Marinette knows who he is and has a plan to save him otherwise Chat Blanc is just going to happen again. 

3. Yes, he takes the flirting too far sometimes

No--that doesn’t make him toxic.

Yes, Adrien overreacted to Ladybug never showing up in Glaciator. He shouldn’t have been upset with her in Frozen for not accepting the rose. He should have told her the damn truth about being forced to leave the city at the same time she was in the New York special. 

 However, he also apologized for overreacting in both Glaciator and Frozen. And again, abused kids live in anticipation of punishment for their mistakes. Adrien’s father has taught him that the slightest mistake can result in loss of freedom or trust, even if its circumstances beyond his control. And he now understands that Ladybug isn’t going to blindly punish him for being honest with her, which he now knows to do. 

 He makes mistakes, apologizes for them, and learns from them. That’s not fucking toxic--it’s natural, human and allowed. 

 He’s flirty and suggestive, yes, but the minute she signals she doesn’t want it or isn’t feeling it he stops. He has had immense trouble with not flirting with her, despite her telling him she isn’t interested multiple times. That much is true. But he truly and deeply cares for her and he would never force himself on her and it isn’t because he knows she’ll kick his ass if he does. It’s because unlike the vast majority of his family, he’s actually a decent human being. 

 He has even begun to “flirt platonically,” toasting their partnership and friendship rather than offering a romantic relationship she can never say yes to. If that isn’t the most soft and respectful fluff I don’t know what is.

 4. He is leading Kagami on

Did he cheat? I’m actually not sure. Thomas is being vague in his tweets and won’t give us a decent answer (because he likes “watching fandom burn”--i mean MOOD but clarify please). 

 Here’s what we know and have observed: 1. Chat Noir told Ladybug “I have a girlfriend” 2. He immediately followed that up with “It’s not good at all. I just said that to make you jealous”  3. He allowed Kagami to kiss him in the new york special 4. but he has trouble telling girls not to touch him--been a problem since episode one. Yes its generally cheek kisses chloe gives him but sometimes its not and he looked downright uncomfortable in a lot of cases of physical contact with her and with Lila 5. he seemed rather comfortable with kagami kissing him--except he did say no to her kissing him in the finale 6. but he’s also trying to move on from Ladybug and be with Kagami  7. If he were in a relationship with Kagami, he’d likely keep it a secret because both of their parents are controlling of them and may not allow it 8. His understanding of relationships and girls is kinda dreadful due to not having his mom around for advice and his father’s general lack of a concept of what healthy romantic relationships and boundaries are, and, as Nino put it, not being able to understand signals very well

Adrien’s current relationship status is up in the air. I’m about eighty percent certain he’s dating Kagami--but there’s still that twenty percent chance he’s not.

 Putting aside the question of whether or not he and Kagami are official, Adrien’s been attempting to move past his feelings for Ladybug. Which--won’t sugarcoat it--he kinda sucks at. At the same time, Kagami is aware he is in love with another but lacks the understanding that his moving on will take time. 

 The main issues here is that Adrien knows who he wants but can’t have her. Kagami is a wonderful person herself and he wants to get to know her better, but they aren’t really a good match and they are both going to get hurt in the end (Love Victor anyone???). Until that happens we are going to have some questionable moments in the show, and we just need to remember that Adrien is a child with a poor understanding of relationships, and not an evil person. Kagami doesn’t necessarily have a great understanding of them either--”Your indecision hurts me Adrien,” “Adrien you and I are perfect for each other!”--and she has flaws of her own she needs to unlearn. 

 For the time being, Adrien is leading Kagami on (it needs to be said--even if they aren’t dating he’s flirted with her, given her roses etc.) I say leading her on because, no matter how much Adrien believes Marinette is just a friend and they weren’t flirting in New York, loyal boyfriends who wish to be monogamous don’t dance with other women.

 Or look this happy when that other woman touches them

Does this make Adrien a deceitful and hateful character? No. Does this make him an unworthy character? No. It makes him an abused child with little to no concept of healthy relationships. 

Also Adrien’s friends, including Marinette, have no reason to believe he is dating Kagami. They know he is interested in her and she in him, but as Nino said, Adrien has a hard time picking up signals and understanding their meaning. Not to mention the boy is fifteen. Flirting skills, understanding boundaries, and other relationship concepts are a challenge even for ordinary fifteen year olds in healthy environments to grasp--case in point: Marinette.

Adrigami and Lukanette are simply not going to end well. The Love Square is the endgame and ultimately both Lukanette and Adrigami are going to fall apart to make that happen--I knew that going into the possible Adrigami and Lukanette  territory that the finale created.

 Kagami is a strong, intelligent person--she’s likely going to be the one to end it given what we’ve seen. I don’t like to think about what might happen then--she may be akumatized and Chat Noir would feel rather guilty and may not be able to fight her. But they will both come out of it with something they needed--Kagami will understand (as Marinette needs to) that Adrien isn’t her perfect soul mate incapable of making mistakes. Adrien will understand relationships better. 

 Its unfortunate that this has to happen in order for Adrien to learn due lessons, given that he actually does have someone who can talk to him about girls and relationships and loyalty: Nino.

 Given what Nino wasted no time in scolding Mari for spying on Adrien and Lila when she confessed doing so in Chameleon, as well as how he treats Alya, I undoubtedly believe Nino would be the one to come out and say “You can’t dance with Marinette when you’re with Kagami.” 

 Assuming he is with Kagami. 

In conclusion: Adrien is flawed but not deserving of hate. He is a traumatuzed child stuck in a toxic household who lacks proper mentors. Marinette, Alya and Nino are out of the loop about his potential relationship with Kagami. And Marinette and Kagami both need to acknowledge Adrien is imperfect. Nino and Adrien need to do guy talk like two seasons ago. 

Also Marinette probably has some intense anxiety issues. But more on that later.

[sageblogsthings]

Do you have any tips on how to write characters with scoliosis in a respectful/accurate way?

Thank you so much for asking! I smiled like an idiot when I saw this ask. :) Let me preface this by saying that scoliosis can vary a lot from person to person depending on the severity of curvature, location of curvature, treatment methods, etc. So I think that, as with anything really, getting a wide range of viewpoints and voices on the issue will make it easier to write! Honestly just scrolling through the scoliosis tag on tumblr will give you a good sense of what it’s like for some people too. With that being said, I’ll talk a bit about my experience, and how I wish that characters with scoliosis were portrayed. Just know that my answer is far from universal amongst those with scoliosis. Also, medical treatment where I live is pretty shitty so I may have some other undiagnosed stuff that I’m attributing to scoliosis who knows lol. And I’m still learning a lot about it myself! Ok, with that caveat out of the way, here we go!

I’m gonna put a tw here for discussions of scoliosis, chronic pain, anxiety, and depression

Also, for those who don’t wanna read about my experiences with scoliosis, if you scroll down there’s 13 tips on how to write characters with scoliosis (a lot of these tips apply to chronic pain in general tho). :)

To talk about my own experience a bit, I was first diagnosed with scoliosis when I was about 10 or so. When I was first diagnosed they told me it was minor and just to watch my posture. Scoliosis runs in my family but for most of my family members it’s pretty mild so I didn’t worry about it and went on my merry way. In hindsight, not the best way to deal with that but ah well.

Flash-forward to college. I had been having back pain and headaches for awhile, but I just figured it was studying for prolonged periods of time, carrying a heavy backpack frequently, and not watching my posture when I studied. I never connected it to scoliosis because I hadn’t had a check-up since that first diagnosis. Again, not the best idea but life happens.

I just finished my junior year in college, and I have had almost non-stop doctors appointments all year. It started after I had some sharp pain in my lower back, and got x-rays to see what was going on. Several doctors appointments and an ER visit later I find out that my scoliosis has gotten significantly worse, and that I have a fractured L5 as well. One thing I don’t see mentioned a lot with scoliosis is that it significantly weakens your spine (usually lower) because your weight distribution is thrown off. I had a job that involved some pretty heavy lifting, and voila fractured L5. 13/10 would not recommend btw.

My curvature (I can’t get consistent answers from doctors) is somewhere in the 20′s in my lumbar region and in the upper 20′s/lower 30′s in my thoracic region. At least with the neurosurgeons I’ve spoken to, they don’t consider you a candidate for surgery until the upper thirties or forties, unless you have significant neurophysiological symptoms. Treatment options vary widely depending on where you live, what you can afford, and what your doctor will give you a referral for, but most doctors will recommend physical therapy off the bat. To my knowledge, most doctors do not recommend bracing anymore, though I think in children that might be different (not so sure on that). So currently, I am waiting on an appointment with a pain management specialist and will go from there. 

Even though the curvature in my spine is relatively minor, I still experience significant symptoms. Some of these symptoms include sciatica, pinched nerves in my arms, legs, and back, muscle spasms in my upper back and neck, swelling of my hands and feet, and numbness or pain in my hands and wrists. Also, because my spine curves more in the upper portion of my back, my left lung cannot expand as much as my right lung. This isn’t always a problem, but I get shortness of breath pretty easily, and any respiratory infections make it super hard to breathe properly (pneumonia sucks a butt). There’s also the obvious bit of scoliosis where I stand a little crooked. Another thing I think that not a lot of people know is that how “lopsided” you are can vary from day to day. This doesn’t mean that the curvature is changing day-to-day, but the muscles may be more relaxed or tightened on some days.

So that’s my experience pretty much (bless you if you read all that!). But, to show an example on the opposite end of the spectrum, my friend had (I think) a 30 degree curvature in the thoracic region and 50 degree curvature in the lumbar. He had immediate corrective surgery (I’m not sure exactly what kind) and now aside from the scar on his back and that he looks like a table when he bends over (his words lol i’m not being mean) you would never know. And even weirder, he had no significant symptoms before his surgery aside from occasional sciatica. So your symptoms don’t necessarily depend on the degree of curvature, where the curve is located has a lot to do with it. Typically, more curvature in the upper spine is more painful but that’s by no means always the case.

Ok, so how in the heck does this all apply to writing characters? I promise it does, I’m not just rambling (well, maybe haha).

13 Things to Consider When Writing Characters With Scoliosis:

Their symptoms may vary from day to day. This may mean that some days they can do activities like running or baseball, and other days they can barely type or walk without pain.

They may have no, mild, or severe symptoms, depending on the location and severity of curvature, and other factors.

What is medical care like where they live? Dealing with doctors, neurosurgeons, physical therapists, etc. is just a part of having scoliosis, and very often an incredibly draining aspect. This is especially true if you have anxiety or other factors that make going to the doctor even more unpleasant.

Were they misinformed about scoliosis? Unless you go to someone who specializes in scoliosis treatment, you’re probably gonna get inaccurate information about something. For example, I was told constantly as a kid to watch my posture. Yes, this can have an impact, but more and more research is showing that scoliosis in many cases is influenced more by hormones (especially in teenage years) than posture. There’s also more egregious examples of this, such as a neurosurgery PA who recently told me not to ever use CBD to alleviate pain because it’s a “gateway drug.” This is literally impossible. So for writing, this could translate into frustration or even anger for your character. But it could also make for some funny situations later! I wrote down everything that crazy PA told me and it still makes me laugh from time to time.

Don’t give them a back-breaking job. It will literally break their back lol. I’m not saying they can’t be active, but if someone is impacted by scoliosis on a daily basis they probably aren’t working as a professional wrestler. Or maybe they are, and your story is trying to explain how that works lol

What do they do to manage the pain (if they have it)? For me, the symptoms are typically inflammatory in nature so things like ice, heat, turmeric tea, and anti-inflammatory medications help relieve the symptoms. This is one of those things where getting other viewpoints is good though too!

Is their spine visibly crooked? If so, are they self-conscious about it? This varies a loooot, and may even vary with symptoms. For example, maybe some days when the pain isn’t bad they wear a cute dress that shows their shoulder-blades. But then when the pain is bad, they just want to look like a hobo. I say this from experience lol.

Have people treated them differently because of it (positively or negatively)? Some people may experience bullying if their scoliosis is more visible, especially as a child. They may also be treated differently by adults, who are trying to look out for them, but nevertheless it still makes them stand out from other kids.

Do they make jokes about it? For example, I can be found frequently saying “my spine said yeet!” or “straight spine? idk her” or my personal favorite “my spine is about as straight as I am.” Scoliosis sucks, but living with it you learn to find humor in it too.

Are they going to get surgery for it? I can’t speak on this part since I haven’t had surgery, but I would imagine that there is a psychological aspect to this that you would want to mention for your character, as well as any logistical aspects like finances, dealing with trash insurance companies, etc.

How does scoliosis impact their mental health? This is one of my pet peeves, and it’s entirely founded in a lack of resources and education, so I’m not aiming this at anyone specifically. But scoliosis does impact your mental health, especially if you have pre-existing conditions like anxiety or depression already. It can be incredibly depressing to want to do something as simple as going for a walk, but you’re in too much pain. It can also really impact anxiety. For example, when I found out about my curvature change in college I had one of the biggest anxiety attacks I’ve ever had. There is also the added issue of not being able to breathe properly at times, which can make a panic/anxiety attack much worse (in intensity or duration). Of course, mental health issues can also be exacerbated by the environment you’re in, so that is definitely something to consider for your character.

What was their diagnosis like? What factors impacted their ability to get a diagnosis? Lack of adequate medical care or having crappy insurance is a huge problem, and it makes it really hard or even impossible for some people to get a diagnosis. And for most neurosurgeons or specialized treatment facilities you have to have that diagnosis and referral for them to be able to do anything. There may also be aspects of your character’s home life that prevents them from getting a diagnosis. Do their parents think they’re faking it, or that they just need to sit up straight? Is your character trans, and/or wears baggy clothing? I’ve heard several stories of undiagnosed cases because of this, so it’s something to consider.

Ok, I think this is the last thing (huge huge thank you to anyone still reading this!!). But please, if you’re writing a character with scoliosis, or any chronic issue/disability for that matter, avoid the trope of you’re still beautiful to me/you’re beautiful anyways/I don’t see your disability. Some people might not get what I’m saying here, so let me explain a little. If you have a character with significant scoliosis, to the point it impacts their daily life, and they meet another character (potential friend, love interest, whatever) and this new person grows to love them in spite of their scoliosis/disability, that is a huge red flag. It implies that they are seeing them through a lens of not having the disability, and they love that version of your character. But that is not your character in reality, because your character in reality has a very real disability. In general, just try to avoid the “I don’t see __,” in writing and real life. That could be applied to a disability, or the character’s race, sexuality, etc. In all cases, it dismisses a fundamental part of who that character is, and what experiences have shaped them into who they are. If your character has scoliosis and it has shaped who they are, it is important for other characters to recognize that as well, otherwise they aren’t really seeing that character in their “full glory,” if that makes sense. I’m rambling a bit at this point and I’m sure there’s other posts that make this point better than I have, but the takeaway is just please don’t write scoliosis as “you’re beautiful anyways.” Scoliosis or no scoliosis, it’s just “you’re beautiful.” Full stop. But part of how your character may come to recognize that beauty within themselves, or how others see it within them, may be influenced by their experiences with scoliosis.

Phew, I did not expect that to get so long but it’s a topic I’m passionate about and I haven’t seen information on scoliosis geared towards writers before, so hopefully this will help! Again, a lot of this is based on my own experiences so please do not take any of this as a universal guide to scoliosis, it definitely isn’t. And if I’ve said anything that people disagree with (or even agree with!) or have questions about, I am always open to polite discourse and discussion. :)

I hope that this answered your question some, and if not feel free to let me know! Thank you so much for asking this!

[notcanoncompliant]

Flight (And What That Means To You)

Merry Christmas to @darker-soft-starker! <3

@starkersecretsanta

(I read your prompt and my brain took off, totally deviated from the rom-com feel, I hope you still like it!!)

warnings: mild violence, anxiety attack symptoms (kind of)

****************************************************** 

The Prompt:

Canon Divergence AU - Tony and Peter are neighbors. Tony is not obscenely rich, just a regular Joe, maybe a cop or something and lives across the hall from Peter's apartment. Peter is still Spider-Man and regularly gets caught by Tony limping back to his apartment bloody and beaten, peter gets stuck to his doorknob and there are a lot of awkward moments etc

And away we go...

******************************************************

Like many important things, Tony’s life resets with a ‘bang’. 

On his back, ears ringing, staring up at inky-grey smoke that eats up whatever view there had been of the stars, he takes ragged half-breaths and wonders if he’s done enough, if this was the right way for him to go. When his vision tunnels and his consciousness begins to recede, he still doesn’t have an answer.

*

You’re lucky. 

It’s what everyone keeps telling him. Lucky he was far enough away from the blast that he didn’t lose any pieces, lucky his vest held up just enough to keep the shrapnel from burying itself in his chest.

Lucky.

He might be, but it’s hard to feel it when he still hurts like there’s a baby grand parked on his ribs. Harder still when he wakes up, over and over and over, with the taste--the grit--of sand and copper in his mouth the echo of too-hot sun on his skin or the stinging, freezing cling of ice water on his face (in his mouth, his eyes, his stomach, his lungs--he can’t, he can’t, pleasenomorehecan’t).

It takes him four days to wake calmly enough he doesn’t bolt upright, doesn’t frantically pull off sensors and yank the drip out of his arm, doesn’t get held back down and sedated.

It takes four days for him to get his hands on a notepad and a pen.

When he does, he draws a metal behemoth shooting into the open sky.

He has no idea what it means, but he feels free.

*

‘Indefinite medical leave’ should’ve been a punch to the gut, a slap to the face. By the time they’d gotten around to giving him the mandatory psych eval, though (and it had gone as swimmingly as expected), he’d been out of the hospital for three weeks, and well-acclimated to feeling like he’d taken a fist to the stomach.

Before, he might’ve argued, fought, done his best to prove that he could still be an asset to the team, that his mid-forties are practically his prime, god damn it! 

He doesn’t, though. None of it seems as important as it used to.

Being taken off the force is the least of his concerns, not when the tug to vent the dreams (visions, almost) onto paper-canvas-something is so strong he shakes with it.

The dreams are wild. Vivid and jarring. He draws bits and pieces of them all. 

He’s got the time to do it, now. 

*

Rogers is the first to stop contacting him. Barnes follows suit. 

Clint hangs on a little longer, but ultimately stops coming around after the first month.

Rhodey doesn’t feel like a loss, for all that he and Tony have undeniably drifted apart. Rhodey’s got his family; Carol and the kids. He has time for coffee, for a quick chat sometimes. He doesn’t ask after the dreams. Tony doesn’t blame him.

Nat sticks around a little longer. Stops by every couple weeks. Comes in and drinks his crappy instant coffee and looks at whatever he’s working on. Sees him go from pencil sketches to paint. 

When she sees his latest piece, she arches a brow at him.

It’s a glove, she says, flatly. The hint of good-natured amusement sparking in her eyes is nice, even if it’s not enough to counteract the rest of her reaction.

She’s a better liar than the others, because she lies with her whole body, her whole self. It’s only because Tony knows where to look does he see the wariness in the way her glance keeps flicking back to the canvas, catching on the bronze shape, on the spots of bright color that contrast so sharply.

The visit ends more quickly than usual (and they were never long to begin with), the redhead gone after a well-crafted excuse and a lingering hug. Tony knows he’ll see her again, but it still feels like a goodbye, of sorts. 

He’s not bitter about any of it, doesn’t blame or begrudge his team for not staying; their jobs, their lives didn’t end when Tony took that blast, when a cut-and-dry shipyard raid (as cut and dry as any raid can be) went a little sideways.

And, if he’s being honest, the relative handful of times he’s seen any of them after his retirement (after four months he’s given up calling it ‘leave’, given up assuming he’ll ever even try to come back), there’s something hanging silently over them, dragging between them. 

The feeling of distance (and slight relief when they part) is mutual, Tony thinks.

*

There’s one constant, outside the dreams. One figure flitting in and out of the corners of his days, his nights, his mind.

His neighbor, Peter, is a mystery. A gorgeous, twenty-something, world-weary mystery who’s eyes flicker too sharply over the whole of Tony’s body whenever Tony opens the door to find him standing there at completely ridiculous hours.

(Not that Tony’s got a healthy circadian rhythm to disrupt, anymore).

It feels less like random kindness and more like he’s been assigned security detail, the kid’s greeting and polite inquiry--How are you today, Mr. Stark? (because he can’t get the kid to call him ‘Tony’)--accompanied by eyes moving too sharply over the whole of Tony’s body, checking for damage, before he’s off again to do whatever it is he does.

Tony’s not really sure what to do with it at first, how to respond. He’s not used to being watched over, is typically the one doing the watching, the protecting. It’s especially difficult the first couple of times, because the kid--Peter--always looks a little worse for wear; favoring one or more of his limbs, and at least one visible, fresh bruise, small scrape or cut marring his features.

He does him the courtesy of not asking about them, because Peter doesn’t ask invasive questions and obviously tries very hard not to look past Tony and into the apartment, important concessions to Tony’s privacy. It’s only fair to let Peter have his, feels like an even (if increasingly painful) trade-off.

He also doesn’t want to do anything to risk losing this. He’s glad his ‘detail’ keeps showing up. Keeps existing. 

*

After a while, it becomes routine. Once a day, Peter knocks, Tony opens, and they have their exchange. It’s...a spot of light in Tony’s world, even if it feels sort of heavy.

The lightness is due in part to the way that, regardless of apparent injury or hour of the day, Peter always offers Tony a genuine smile, even if it’s also quick or small or tired.

Sometimes, though, the smiles are more grimace than anything else. There are bands of steel behind those ones, and Tony wonders how (why) this kid got so strong, and why it doesn’t seem like there’s anyone telling him he doesn’t have to be. On those days, Tony thinks about inviting him in, offering to take a look at the injuries; he’s got first aid training and still keeps his own supplies in his place.

(He doesn’t ever offer to drive Peter to the hospital; the option never seems to occur to him until after Peter’s already vanished, down the hall or into his own apartment across from Tony’s.)

There’s something that stops him, something beyond the respect for Peter’s privacy. Something about the faint blush that appears on Peter’s cheeks sometimes during their short conversations, something about the way his own eyes sometimes drift over Peter’s form in return.

*  

He wonders, sometimes, what Peter would think of the paintings. 

He's imagined it a few times; showing him, watching him see them. He doesn't know if Peter's into art at all (not that Tony even really is, not in the technical sense), but it wouldn't really matter; Tony's fantasies don't usually revolve around the younger’s critique of his work.

More than anything, he wants to see Peter in his minimalist-but-cluttered space, sitting on his couch or leaning against his kitchen counter, propped against the windowsill, a mug of something hot in his hands and a truly relaxed smile on his face.

Sometimes the fantasies are less innocent, but...something in him just wants to see Peter safe.

*

“Okay, we need to talk about this.”

They’re standing in Tony’s doorway, another ass-crack-of-dawn ‘status check’, and there’s blood actually trailing down from Peter’s left sleeve, dripping off the kid’s fingers.

Peter fidgets in place. “...About what?”

In spite of his concern, Tony nearly snorts a laugh at the completely terrible evasion. 

He reigns it in, arches his brows. “You’re getting you on the carpet.”

The kid shoots a quick glance downwards at his hand, blanching slightly. “Shit.”

“Yeah.”

“It’s--it’s really nothing, I just--”

“‘Nothing’ is a papercut, Peter,” Tony snaps. “Putting aside the bruises, fat lip, and the fact you’re obviously favoring your right leg, you’re standing here with blood running down your arm. That’s not ‘nothing’.”  

He’s tired and frustrated and afraid, finally venting these feelings after weeks of this, weeks of wondering if Peter’s just going to stop showing up, weeks of being on edge between visits even if they come like clockwork because he just can’t lose these moments, he can’t--and he doesn’t realize he’s moved forward into Peter’s space, how close he is until he finishes speaking. 

Peter’s staring at him with saucer-wide eyes, a pink stain on his cheeks, his slightly wheezing breath fanning across Tony’s chin.

Tony backs off quickly, hands in the air. “Fuck, I’m sorry--”

“It’s okay,” Peter says, and Tony watches the bob of his throat as he swallows. “You--I’m okay. I know it doesn’t look like it, but I am. You don’t need to worry about me Mr. Stark.”

The determined set of Peter’s jaw is both compelling and frustrating, and Tony just barely manages to muscle back his urge to argue further.

“Just...I’m here,” he says, finally. “If you need to talk. If you need anything. Please.”

Something desperate and pained slashes across Peter’s features, and then it’s gone. The younger man nods, short and tense, turns and disappears into his apartment.

Tony stares at the closed door for another moment, before stepping out and shutting his own door, heading down the hall. 

Air. Air will be good.

*

Air is good. It’s always good. Always helps after the dreams, chills away the sweat, clears his head.

It doesn’t do quite as much, now, when his worries are linked to reality instead of a dreamscape, but it feels good nonetheless. 

He stands on the roof of the complex, high up, until the edge of the sky begins to change color. Like he does every time he comes up here, he thinks about his favorite of the dreams, the brief period when his nights were filled with the exhilaration of flight.

He hopes Peter has somewhere like this, that he has something good to return to, his own version of reaching the sky.

*  

"Mr. Stark, I don't feel so good..."

Wind. Reddish puffs of dust in the air, unnaturally colored sky--everything is wrong, everything is ending, failure, failed, no--

"I don't wanna go, please--I don't wanna go!"

He can't lose him, he can't lose the kid--it's his fault, Tony's fault--he shouldn't have been here, he shouldn't have--

Tony bolts upright, gasping past the taste of dust in the air--gritty on his tongue, in his throat, burning his eyes.

With a clumsy, half-conscious drive, he drags himself up off the couch to the easel, practically throwing the painting of the glove (gauntlet) to the side and slapping a blank canvas up.

He doesn't start this one with a pencil sketch, no swipes of graphite or charcoal. The paint ends up on his bare hands, coating his fingers, and then he's frantically tracing and contouring a face, neck, shoulders, craggy grey rock and more of that reddish dirt--shades of beige and brown, orange and red and blue, grey and black twisting (crumbling) away.

Time is nothing, a non-entity; all Tony knows is the need to touch, to hold, to stop the inevitable--

When it's finished, the energy drains with disorienting suddenness. It's difficult to keep his arms extended, so he doesn't; he pulls them towards himself, hunching over with a sob and burying his trembling, paint-tacky hands in his hair.

The dreams have only ever been abstract; images in a mental blender. Vague human shapes and random objects, landscapes--weird, vivid amalgamations of feelings and colors and sensations. Tasting the dirt, feeling the loss; those things are par for the course.

But none of the people in them have ever had a voice; no one has ever said a word.

He couldn’t make out clear features of the face, even staring head on...but the voice that still rings in his head sounds a lot like Peter’s, and now that the frenzy is over, it’s almost paralyzing.

After an indeterminate number of minutes, the dream fades in the way dreams do, and he uncurls with a heaving sigh and stands, drags himself to the kitchen counter to make coffee.

He's already painted it out, it’s usually enough, but when he sits back down in front of the easel, he feels sick, anxious. His hands are unsteady, knuckles white where he grips the handle of his mug, the liquid inside it rippling slightly. 

Patches of the paint are still shiny-wet on the canvas, and part of him wishes it would stay that way, something about the wetness making it seem alive. It's blurred, as though he’s looking at the image from behind frosted glass, but there’s an obvious shape, the body of the owner of that heart-rendingly familiar, rasping voice. It's faceless; a kernel of (relative) normality he clings to, so he can try to convince himself this painting doesn't feel like the manifestation of his greatest failure, of a grave error that doesn't really belong to him but still spreads, aching, behind his ribs.

He's sore everywhere--his shoulders and neck from being hunched over, his arms from being held aloft for far too long. His hands ache, too, and they’re dry, paint cracking and peeling in an ugly neutral blend of the colors he'd smeared on his fingers.

He showers, manages to get the paint out of his hair. 

But he can’t watch as the color flecks and melts (disintegrates) from his hands and disappears down the drain. 

 *

Every day.

Every day for the last four days. 

The dreams and the art are a cycle: he dreams, he draws, he gets a few days respite while he finishes the piece...and then he wakes again from a new nightmare or dreamscape and starts over. 

He’d finished the first painting the same day...but he keeps having the same dream. Keeps hearing Peter beg to stay, keeps feeling the body in his hands crumble away to nothing. The taste of dirt in his mouth won’t leave, isn’t touched by coffee or food. He’s got five variations of the same painting piled in the corner of his apartment, and he’d been sure that if he doesn’t do something, he’s going to live the same horror over and over and over.

So he’s doing something.

He’s maybe ending this vicious repetition, but he’s also making up for the way he’s been ending their conversations more quickly, the way he’s been holding back and hiding, pretending he doesn’t see the flicker of hurt on Peter’s face when Tony’s the one who evades, bids farewell and closes the door.

He’s the one knocking, now.

“Mr. St--Tony?”

Seeing Peter like this--standing there in a t-shirt and boxers in the doorway of his apartment, less bruised than normal, looking confused and alive, he looks amazing--blows whatever plans Tony had away, ash on the wind. 

He doesn’t think, just sighs Peter’s name and pulls the younger man forward into a tight hug, buries a hand in his hair, presses his face in the softness, too, everything in his head spinning with relief and joy and a painful kind of apology--

--before he notices how stiff Peter’s gone in his arms. 

Probably because, in the months since they’ve been doing this, they’ve never actually engaged in physical contact...or had a real conversation beyond the single argument those days ago. Peter doesn’t know about the dreams; he doesn’t know anything, and Tony must seem like he’s having a mental break.

Before he can make himself let go, though, Peter’s arms snap up to wrap around him, tight, so tight it makes Tony’s ribs ache.

It ends too soon, Peter pulling away to stare at him with suddenly wet, red-rimmed eyes and hope so sharp it hurts to look at.

“Are you--do you know? Do you remember?”

Cold trickles down Tony’s spine.

He knows, without a doubt, he should. He should remember, and he doesn’t. It feels like another failure that he can’t say ‘yes’, that he can’t bring himself to answer that hope with something other than tense silence.

His heart breaks when Peter steps back after a few seconds, looking embarrassed and a little panicked.

“Never mind, I’m sorry--”

“Wait, no,” Tony blurts, barely resisting the urge to pull Peter back in. “Don’t--Look, I can’t...I don’t know what you’re talking about, but maybe you could tell me? I just…” He sighs, frustrated at himself, at the feeling that he’s missing something huge and that huge thing is Peter-shaped

“I just need to be around you for a little while,” he finally says. “Is that okay?”

He’s sure he’s going to get a door shut in his face; Peter’s expression is torn, aching, and Tony wouldn’t blame him in the slightest.

But he’s lucky. 

“Um, yeah,” Peter says carefully after another long moment, something like resignation coloring his tone. “Come in, please.”

*

The layout of Peter’s apartment is a mirror of Tony’s, but significantly less cluttered. Pretty minimal, actually, less like a choice in aesthetic and more like he’s only just moved in: a futon and a desk for furnishing, a small microwave and coffee pot on the counter, no pictures on the walls or taped to the fridge. 

Tony’s not judging, can’t; he’s never lived particularly extravagantly either, and his studio only looks lived in because of the art supplies taking up a good third of it. 

As for the lack of personal touches, of photos, memories...If anything, it makes Tony feel a further sense of closeness, of camaraderie. He doesn’t have pictures up either, not anymore; can’t look at the ones of he and the team, of he and Rhodey through the years. Not since everything changed.

The futon draws his gaze, again, still pulled down flat, like Peter’s just woken up, or had just laid down for bed. Tony stares at the pillow and rumpled, pulled-back comforter, and feels a twist of guilt (not enough to leave, but it’s still there).

“I’m sorry about the mess,” Peter’s saying as he closes the door and moves to stand a little off to the side. “I wasn’t expecting company at...um. Whatever time it is.”

Cracking a joke would be ideal to diffuse the tension, or maybe even giving a generic, polite response (‘it’s fine’, ‘I don’t mind’, or, ‘you have a lovely home, literal man of my dreams’), but when Tony pulls his gaze from the futon, Peter’s lips are curved in a tight smile, his stance awkward, yearning, like he’s trying not to approach Tony, but he wants to.

“Can I touch you again?” Tony asks. 

He realizes how it sounds as soon as he’s blurted it out, and as he watches Peter blush, lips parting in silent surprise, he wishes he meant it that way; that he was only trying to finagle his way into further messing up Peter’s bedspread, wanting to touch for a reason so mundane as arousal, instead of out of the powerful desire to reassure himself of Peter’s continued existence. 

Before he can apologize or rephrase, he’s got an armful of shaking, but warm and solid, Peter.

Peter’s face--his cheeks, his nose, his lips--are warm, pressing into the bare skin at the junction of Tony’s neck and shoulder, a sensation that takes Tony’s breath away more so than the return of the tight bands of Peter’s arms, one low around Tony’s waist, the other angled up between his shoulder blades. 

Fabric tightens across his shoulders and a little at his neck, like Peter’s gripping a handful of his shirt, and Tony feels more than hears the younger speak. 

“Yes, please. Touch me.”

Tony swallows thickly and hugs Peter back. The ‘thank you’ is burning in the back of his throat, threatening to spill out...so he lets it. Breathes it strained and hollow into Peter’s hair, the kind of ‘relieved’ that hurts so much worse before it gets better, and Peter shivers in his hold.

It shouldn’t feel so good. It shouldn’t feel better to hold Peter, this virtual stranger, than it does to even think of being near his family, his old friends (his other friends, other; they’re not gone, they’re just...distant--not gone, not gone, not wrong), but it does. It feels right, in a way nothing else seems to feel anymore. 

“I’m sorry,” he hears himself say, “I’m so sorry, Peter, I’m sorry…”

He’s sure he’s holding on tight enough now that it has to hurt, but he can’t make himself stop. His hand ends up back in Peter’s hair, fingers twisting into the soft brown curls, his other hand gripping at the back of Peter’s thin, worn t-shirt, and suddenly he needs more. Needs more proof, needs more confirmation that he’s not dreaming, that Peter’s not going to crumble apart in his arms. He’s just not sure how to say it, if he can--

He flinches when he feels Peter shift, feels him nosing at his throat, feels lips parting.

“I miss you,” Peter whispers, ragged and strained, breath warm against Tony’s skin, and it doesn’t make sense, but it does.

*

The fading bruises on Peter’s skin taste the same as the pale, unblemished places, are just as soft when Tony’s lips and tongue brush over them, and this isn’t what he’d meant to do, but it’s what’s happening now and neither of them appear inclined to stop it.

They should be talking; Tony should be wondering about the question Peter asked when they hugged for the first time. He should be panicking about how Peter apparently knows him enough to mourn him (he’d said ‘I miss you’ the way Tony talks to his mother, like he was talking to a gravestone) even though Tony had definitely never met him before he left the force, before the dreams. Would’ve remembered a face like his (an everything like his, really).

But they’re not talking. Instead, he’s tangled with Peter on the futon, dragging his lips from bloom to bloom of fading green-yellow-purple down Peter’s torso, his scalp tingling with every reflexive tightening of the fingers in his hair, the disbelief and awed arousal on Peter's face as much an aphrodisiac as the taste of his skin, the texture of it under Tony's hands.

Every motion feels like something slotting into place, the restless places in Tony's mind settling a little further, the empty spaces filling with heat and emotions too big for how little he really knows this person--this beautiful, strong, wonderful being.

Tony’s not panicking. He’s not wondering. He still doesn’t know how this is happening, still doesn’t know Peter beyond the last few months, barely knows him now, but nothing has felt this easy, this right, in a long time.

When Peter spills, warm and liquid, over where their hands are wrapped together around their twin hardness, Tony swallows Peter's soft gasp, kisses him and groans Peter's name as he finds his own release.

*

There are things he needs to say, things he needs to show Peter, the way he knows there are things Peter needs to show him, tell him.

The enormity is there, a strangely relieving weight, blanketing as they sink into each other in soft, post-coital haze.

It's complicated. It’s bigger than the dreams, bigger than anything Tony can fathom.

But when Tony fades, curled together on the futon, Peter's head under his chin and one of Peter’s hands resting on his sternum…

He dreams of flight.

***

[meta-squash]

Brick Club 1.3.9 “Joyful End Of Joy”

This title is such a weird choice. This time it’s not a translation thing, but a Hugo thing. He decides not to focus on Fantine’s reaction to the surprise, but on the other girls’ reactions. It’s weird, but I think it also works, because it serves to highlight how unusual Fantine’s reaction really is. The rest of the girls shake off the abandonment pretty quickly, because none of them made the same attachments as Fantine. Her devastation is highlighted by their mirth.

The men keep up the pretense long enough to even turn and wave at the women, laughing. I get the impression they’re giggling at their prank, but the girls probably think they’re just being jaunty. Also, I wish I had a better visual of the area. I imagine them kind of blending in with the crowd, maybe turning a corner or something out of sight, and then heading to wait for the stagecoach.

Again, Hugo shows the difference between Fantine and the others. While Fantine repeats herself with “Don’t be long,” the other grisettes are more preoccupied with what the surprise might be. Also, so far Fantine’s really only had two lines, since one was about the horse, and the next two lines are nearly identical to each other.

“You’d think piles of chains were flying off into the heavens.” I love the visual of this line so much. There are so many visuals in this book that I wish I had the skill to draw. This line’s an interesting one. My first instinct is to say that the metaphor feels backwards? “Piles of chains flying off into the heavens” sounds to me like saying these men that could have held these women down are leaving. But that seems backward. Unless perhaps that’s the opinion of the other grisettes aside from Fantine? My other thought is that maybe it’s not really a good thing or a backward metaphor. These chains which are the men are flying off, but the next ones could be even worse, could leave the rest of them in the type of situation that Fantine is now left in. These specific chains have flown off into the heavens, but that doesn’t mean there aren’t more waiting in the wings.

The fact that Fantine gets the most important, foreshadowing line is interesting to me because it’s a very specific observation. “That’s strange,” she said. “I thought the stagecoaches never stopped.” The group has just spent the last 8 chapters mocking Fantine’s head-in-the-clouds state of being and how she doesn’t notice anything. And yet she notices this little detail and points out that the stagecoaches don’t usually stop. (I like this from the headcanon that she’s autistic, too. Social cues etc are harder to pick up on, but a change in a weird little detail like when the stagecoaches stop is something she notices because it’s wrong but no one else notices or cares.)

Favourite then insults Fantine and says she knows nothing of life and essentially calls her a simpleton while making fun of her observation. What is Favourite’s problem? She’s really the only one aside from Tholomyes who gets actual dialogue mocking Fantine. God, this whole group is so awful. The next line is “Some time passed this way.” I can’t tell if Hugo is saying that some time passed where they were just staring out the window, or if he’s saying some time passed where they were making fun of Fantine. Either way, this constant picking on Fantine is so cruel, from all of them. Especially Favourite and Tholomyes. It seems like Favourite is in the best situation out of all of them, too: she’s the eldest, has her own home, and is cheating on Blacheville with Tholomyes. Maybe she’s guilty and that’s why she’s so aggressive towards Fantine; she’s trying to convince herself there’s a reason she’s doing this thing with Tholomyes. I don’t know.

It seems like Fantine has never really had stable friendships in her life. These girls have been having affairs with the students for two years. It might be the longest Fantine has every really had a friendly, familiar, consistent relationship with other grisettes outside of work. And it seems like the other grisettes, particularly Favourite, really take advantage of that naivety to mock her.

Why is Favourite the only one so preoccupied with the surprise? She was the one to ask for it properly, to announce it the morning of and get everyone up early, to keep reminding everyone of it, and now to read the letter. Nobody else seems to be as obsessed with the surprise as her. No one else has dialogue mentioning it. She’s like the “leader” of this little group, so it stands to reason that she’s Tholomyes’ counterpart and that would make her be the one who thinks about the surprise kind of in tandem with the fact that Tholomyes is the one orchestrating it. But I still think it’s odd that nobody else seems to care as much as she does. It almost sounds like an insecurity, a point of anxiety for her? Everyone but Fantine seems to be expecting Gifts. I actually wonder now if this is why they are unsurprised by the letter being a parting one. What they think is going to happen is that they are going to get parting gifts; instead they get this letter and a paid for meal. It’s a letdown, but the leaving is expected, I think.

Before I get into the letter, I just want to point out how weirdly classical the line “they desire our return and offer to kill the fatted calf for us” is. The rest of the letter just sounds like a regular letter, but that line in particular sounds like I’m reading Homer or something.

The men start off their letter explicitly pointing out the class differences between the themselves and the grisettes. Despite the fact that Favourite’s mother lives with her, the men obviously don’t see that as similar to their own, rich parents. Hugo says earlier that Fantine is, essentially, a child of France. The students seem to see all of the women in that way, as crude orphans who have been taken in and socialized by Paris. The men then contradict themselves, quoting their parents as calling them “prodigal sons” and then in the next sentence calling themselves “virtuous.”

I can’t find anything on the Bossuet line; I assume it’s a pun that I don’t know enough French and/or Bossuet literature to understand. “Fleeing to the arms of Laffitte,” I assume, means running back to high society, back to rich families and political connections and all that stuff. They’re no longer slumming in Paris with working girls, they’re going back to the safety of the society of banking and politics and all that. I don’t know what the “wings of Caillard” is referencing, because the only Caillard I can find is Gaspar Caillard, whose writings aren’t translated into English.

The gall of them to straight up call the girls “the abyss,” man I hate these men. They see these women as a fun little jaunt into lower society. These women, who are without family (or the same kind of family as these men), who are very poor and probably teetering on the edge of penniless, are the closest these students can get to this “abyss.” I bet they think they did some sort of fucking charity, too, and treated these girls to a “good time” for two years or something before dropping them. Ugh.

“It is necessary to our country that we become, like everybody else, prefects, fathers of families, country policemen, and councilors of state.” Reading this line just makes me feel so disgusted. That men like this, who are slimy and manipulative and selfish and uncaring like this, are the ones who are going to become people in charge of the infrastructure of their local society and who will have power over people in similar positions to these grisettes. It reminds me of Bamatabois, who not only was able to harass Fantine and then get her nearly thrown in prison, but was also a juror at Chapmathieu’s trial. Twice he has the power to decide someone’s freedom; I imagine these law students will have similar positions in their own respective towns. It’s also such a gross flaunting of their social position, telling these women that they have all these opportunities and connections and money to become whatever they want, and these women are left in barely-paying labor positions on the edge of total poverty.

(This is also a really important piece of characterization, I think. It contrasts massively with the students we see later on, who come from rich families (minus Bahorel, I suppose) but who are dedicated to the betterment of others.)

Something I don’t quite understand is the paying for dinner thing? Why? Is it just because they knew maybe the girls wouldn’t be able to afford it? Why do that one niceness with such a cruel prank? Was it like a last “look at us, we can afford one last lavish meal before we vanish” sort of thing?

Favourite is so odd to me. She decides that if this prank was Blacheville’s idea, it makes her fall in love with him. She says “No sooner loved than left,” which makes me think it’s a sort of “you don’t want it until it’s gone” type of thing. But I’m also wondering if it’s a comment on potential cleverness. She only likes him more now that she thinks he’s clever enough and cunning enough to come up with and pull off a joke like this one.

Then the realization that it was actually Tholomyes comes. None of them seem surprised (neither are we). They laugh about it and I assume that, again, the “Vive Tholomyes” is a celebration of his cleverness at this elaborate joke. But they seemed to know that the end was coming, so it’s just a funny and interesting ending to them, rather than a boring goodbye. Also, I wonder if they would have been more upset if the dinner had not been paid for.

I don’t have much to say about that last visual of Fantine crying in her rooms, except for fuck Tholomyes. Also, what a damn bombshell for Hugo to drop on us, spending all that time describing Fantine and then in the last sentence revealing a child.

[makimakikun]

Maki Katsuragi: The Autism Theory

Maki Katsuragi could be on the autism spectrum. Here’s why! TW: Abuse mentions/references, mental disorders/disabilities in-depth, child abuse, psychological aspects, and childhood conditioning. 

I think the common conception of mentally ill/disabled people not being confident in nature or never being able to fit into a setting isn’t entirely accurate for everyone or a good way to sum up such a wide variety of people. 

Let’s go into maki’s personality. His most noticeable quality: he’s confident. He’s confident enough to shape the environment he enters if he wishes. He’s confident enough to make people bend or even change their entire perspective on things. 

Did you notice everyone had false misconceptions about him? Everyone was surprised when he said certain things, like they weren’t expected of someone “with his personality”. For example, what he told Itsuki after he hit the boy with the racket, what he said when Tsubasa held the racket, what he told Yuu after confronting them, what he said to Touma after the matches, etc.  There are so many examples of people misconstruing Maki. People thinking he’s not as smart or as considerate as he actually is.

Why? I think it’s because he comes off a certain way. He seems too confident; too formal; too anti-social; too whatever. Everyone has misconceptions of everyone else, but these are things I heavily related to: the ways everyone saw Maki. 

To add personal experiences-- in the environment I was raised in, I had to be confident. I had to learn how to confront opposition with a calm war face. I had to learn how to speak; how to stand; how to stare into people’s eyes despite being uncomfortable with it; how to seem like I did things with little thought to them, despite the fact that I overthought constantly. This made many people think I was an airhead, or just generally not as smart as others.  I’ve had many people be really surprised that I was insecure, that I had issues, that I was smart & analytical. it’s happened to most people I met. These same misconceptions are bred when people see Maki, just because he’s confident and makes talking/moving/doing anything look easy. While we can see he’s smart as the audience, the other characters cannot, and this is important to remember.

Living while mentally disabled in a situation where you have an assigned job (like mediator & provider, which are Maki’s jobs) and huge responsibilities (both household chores/jobs and/or emotional support, which are also Maki’s jobs) is different from living while ill in a situation where your responsibilities are limited (like Touma’s).  There are many reasons why Touma’s issues seem more relatable and noticeable to the audience than Maki’s, and it has to do with the familial and outside dynamics they experienced throughout their life, as well as personality and disorder conflicts.

By personality and disorder conflicts, I mean that Maki and Touma have a lot of differences, both in upbringing, personality, and in the disorders I believe they have. Maki contrasts from Touma’s Autistic relatability most likely because he seems to have both ADHD and Autism, in my opinion. It’s a combination that can leave you a lot more jumbled and harder to relate to than just having Autism or ADHD alone, like I headcanon that Touma only has Autism.

Circling back to Maki’s personality. He seems to have a case of Chronic Chillness, outside of his obvious impatience issue, which I think is an indicator of his trueness as a person. In that respect, I mean that his impatience may be an indicator that he’s not as nonchalant as he seems. This is a huge part of my own mentally ill experience, so I felt the need to mention it.  It doesn’t mean I never look anxious or that I’m never anxious; It’s that no one sees it or suspects it. Sometimes I even convince myself. I have lax shoulders, I make lazed movements, I speak confidently & a lot of the time with slang or curses. Maki exhibits these qualities as well, aside from the cursing. However, I become starchly formal with people I don’t plan on befriending or becoming close with - esp in a professional setting (I.E. how Maki acted with the teacher and meeting the team, as I’ve concluded his original belief was that he wouldn’t attempt to attach himself to the team emotionally at first) - and I add formality to most newer people unless it’s a casual setting and I want them to feel comfortable/welcome. 

I create environments where either respect is expected or people feel obligated to bend in their hatred, whether it be out of insecurity, fear, or genuine appreciation. Maki does speak confidently and calmly, and he does all that I listed, in my opinion.  Let’s talk about the symptoms and symptom portrayals.  ♡ First up on the list: Intensive focusing/ Hyperfocusing/Interest in specific topics alone, with a habit of losing interest or not showing interest in other things. This is one of the most talked-about symptoms in processing and learning disorders from my experience.  One could say Maki is the definition of this symptom. He shows little interest in school, clubs, or any other subject besides astronomy. Specifically, as of most episodes, his book given to him by Ryouma, which he seems to continuously read despite it being a small book. We can assume he may be reading it over and over again.  The only club he now focuses on is soft tennis. That began from a place of obligation, not genuine interest. He seemed to have felt morally obligated to join after receiving a promise to money and a racket. However, we can assume he’s more emotionally invested in this team now, after rekindling his friendship with Touma and meeting the club members.  His focus on the club is obvious. He allows it to be a part of his daily life, and seems to even spend his off-time putting together schedules for their play, as seen in the episode where Rintarou and Touma speak privately. He also speaks of soft tennis during breaks within the school or dinner at his own apartment, as seen in the episodes where Yuu, Kanako, and Touma visit.  ♡ Moving on to the second symptom. Tics, like repeated motions, phrases, or movements. These movements or phrases can vary in frequency and noticeability. It can be shown subtly or as a common and known action that this person does every day. Maki Katsuragi seems to have a catchphrase - saying “I see.” or “naru-ho-do”, but since this isn’t your typical anime and the characters are portrayed as a lot more realistic than troupes, we can assume this could be a sign of a tic. He also tends to make strange movements while thinking, which is a sign that he’s trying to process what he’s about to say or what he’s thinking of.  This scene, in particular, stood out to me. While thinking, Maki idly swung his hand in circles. This is something I do personally as well. I tend to circle my hands while thinking to either enunciate my words or figure out a way to explain what I’m about to say, as well as try to process things I’ve heard. 

♡ On to the third symptom, which is - in my opinion - a very important one. Trouble showing or expressing certain emotions well or clearly. This can range from ways of speech, to expressions, to body language, and so forth. This can be both subtle or severe, depending on the case. Maki seems to be the type that wears smiles on his sleeve in good situations, but... let me ask you a question. Did anyone see the ending coming? I can’t say that I did, but I can tell you that I don’t think it’s unrealistic for it to happen. What I noticed about Maki is that he’s not the best at showcasing emotions outside the scope of positive or neutral, which is a huge indicator of many things. Two of them are some of the main issues in his life. Physical and mental abuse (from his father), and an overly cheerful and somewhat neglectful parental figure whose nature most likely makes him feel obligated to keep up a facade and not vent his frustrations (like his mother). In truth, many of the scenes where Maki was happy in recent episodes could’ve been motivators for him to pick up the knife. The looming threat of his father never went away, and when you’re in a happy situation, while there’s a threat still lurking, it can leave you to wonder when all these good things will be taken away. His mother possibly being hurt or even kidnapped are huge solidifiers for his resolve. I’ll be addressing this motivation-driven argument further in another post. Moving on now! Maki shows very few expressions. One of his most common being a blank face that looks a touch angry. It doesn’t mean he is angry; I think the intention behind his facial expressions is that he has trouble showing a relaxed neutral expression as well as having what many would call a “resting bitch face”. Most of his expressions range from constant neutral, curious, scared, happy, or the occasional mad. His voice tone is also key here. He often speaks around the same keys. His voice is quiet and calm, with the occasional hint of playfulness. However, it rarely rises or falls drastically, unless in a serious situation. Even then, Maki still doesn’t sound very different from his usual tone.  He also moves very directly and with purpose. It’s rare for him to show hesitation or anxiety, which may be a product of Autism, ADHD, and/or living with his father, where any sign of fear, sadness, or anger could cost him. ♡  Here’s a fourth symptom. Not remembering information, especially information not regarding hyperfixations or general interests. This is common in many illnesses but is hugely prevalent in both Autism and ADHD.  This is shown especially in the scene where he meets Kanako Mitsue for the second time canonly. He didn’t even remember her face, name, or room despite just meeting her yesterday. This is a huge indicator of a memory problem regarding information his brain considers “not important”, as he seems to remember most things about his interests and chores clearly. 

This is getting increasingly long, so I think I may be ending it here! This is a subject I could go on and on for, but I think I made some good and valid points here! It took me a long time to finish this, as my motivation is lacking.  Thank you for reading and I hope you enjoyed it! 

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #350

“let’s play a love game, play a love game  /  do you want love, or you want fame?  /  are you in the game?”

Who was your first good kiss with? Jason. Would you kiss this person again? I know I fucking would and I hate it more than I could possibly express. Name something that is on your bedroom wall? Lots of artwork, mostly of meerkats. What accessory do you want in your bedroom? I need another desk to put stuff on. If you could paint your walls any color what would it be? Something pastel. Maybe like, peach. Soft and warm and would really bring light to the room. What does your phone case look like? It's just this boring purple one that came with the phone. What do you take the most pictures of? My camera roll says my pets, hahaha. What is the point of Twitter for you? Liking Mark's shit lmao. What does your planner look like? I don’t have one. If you get into an argument what is it usually about? My anxiety, I think. What are you always in the mood for? Ummm probably a car ride where I can control the music in the passenger seat. It is very, very rare I'll turn that opportunity down. What’s the last emergency you dealt with? I don't really know; I'm thankfully not in these situations very much, especially when you're cooped up at home. I probably haven't been actually engaged in an emergency since I had to call 911 for my mom before she found out about her cancer. She was basically immobile from agony in her abdomen. Do you have a son? I'm perfectly happy without a son, or kids period. Are you married? No. Have you ever worn a suit? I haven't. Have you ever had to call 911? Twice for Mom. How many keys are on your key-ring? Just one for the house. What’s the last thing you created? An RP post would count as art creation, I'd say. Who are your closest friends? Sara, Girt, and uh... Well, they might be it as far as friends I consider truly close to me. I have a few other people I consider good friends, but we're just not like... on that "close" level, you know? Lisa is maybe another, and Lyndsey perhaps, both WoW friends. Are you ready to have a family? I hate that "have a family" tends to mean get married and have kids, which I'm guessing is what you're implying. If that's the case, no, given I don't want kids and am not fit to get married right now. I'm not even with anyone. I'm content right now with just living with my mom and my two pets, who are children well enough to me. Have you ever taken a DNA test? No. Do you have a family cemetery? No. Would you say you have a high sex drive or not so much? *shrugs* I think it's pretty normal. How do you feel about swallowing pills? What do you mean how do I "feel" about it? I just do it if I need to. What animal is the scariest in your opinion? Some kind of bug, probably. Giant centipedes creep me the fuck out, for one, and I've heard their bite is incredibly painful. I've also always been very afraid of Australia's funnel web spiders since watching some show on Animal Planet when I was younger; I think it scarred me for life, aha. And let's not forget the murder hornets. No thnx, rather die. :') Have you ever questioned your sanity? Way more than once, my friend. How do you feel about people wearing fur coats? Are you for or against it? I am VIOLENTLY against it unless it is for survival in extreme climates and you don't have access to other material. That aside, there is NO way you could possibly convince me that it's okay to wear the fur of something once living on yourself for ~fashion~. What’s the worst thing a friend has either done or said to you? Let's not go here. What’s fake about you? Like extensions, fake nails, botox etc. Nothing. If you got the chance, would you audition for a reality show? No. Have you ever gotten into a Facebook fight? Haha, yeah. Favorite flavor of jelly bean? Probably watermelon or strawberry. I'm not a massive jellybean fan. Do you use Tinder? If yes, have you ever met up with someone you matched? I've never tried it, no. What book/movie has made you cry the hardest? Either The Notebook or Titanic. Something you feared as a kid but don’t anymore? Thunderstorms. What’s your skincare routine? I don't really have one. Just wash it with water in the shower and then use a washcloth when I feel the need. Would you rather have a snake or a tarantula as a pet? I want both, but I prefer snakes. What is something you are NOT looking forward to? I both am and am not looking forward to my second Covid vaccine because it's notoriously worse than the first; the only bright side to it is that after the potential side effects blow over, I'm job hunting. What do you usually do right when you wake up? Check the time on my phone. Would you rather eat your pizza cold or hot? Hot, but I like both. Who taught you how to swim? Dad, I think? Can you do push-ups? No. Do you like Doritos? Yesssss. Who is the closest friend that you live by? I don't know. Have you ever banged your head against something? I've had two concussions before, so, y'know. Have you ever jumped on a trampoline? Yeah, I loved that as a kid. Do you like watching scary movies? Yeah. Has anyone ever told you that you have a big butt? No, considering I have like no ass, rip. Has one of your friends ever tried to "hook you up?" Ugh, yes. Do you prefer landmarks or street names when being given directions? Landmarks, by a mile. Although, I'm super bad with directions, so it probably wouldn't really matter much. Do you read the prologues in the beginnings of books? Yeah, you got to. Does your house have more than one fireplace? No. What was your favourite gym class moment? The one and only thing I liked about gym as a kid was when you took one of those rainbow tarps and made like, an air bubble underneath to make this awesome dome everyone sat in. Ya missed out if you didn't do that. Do you think that ocean boardwalks are fun? Yeah. Do you dread when people ask you to sign their yearbooks? Not at all; I was always flattered, knowing they cared enough to want mine. Apple Jacks: yay or nay? I looove those. Do you have a favorite Scooby-Doo movie? Haha yeah, I think it's the second one? Such iconic scenes. It's the one with the Mary Jane girl that Shaggy liked... oh, jokes that went over your head as a kid. Who were your last 3 Facebook messages from and what do they say? I'm too lazy to list the convos themselves, but the people involved are my friends Chelsea and Ian, as well as a friend's mother. Do you turn your phone off at night when you go to sleep? No. It's always on vibrate, and I just turn the brightness way down. What is the sexual orientation of the last person you talked to? She's straight. What’s your favourite hairstyle on the opposite sex? Don't you fucking dare laugh, emo hair is A++. Has anyone ever played a prank on you? What happened? Not a big one, no. Do you like the Silent Hill movies? Do I?! I love the first one (though for a while I wasn't very happy they swapped the lead role from Harry to his wife), and while the second is literal trash story-wise and it's ALL over the damn place, I still enjoy it with just how much I adore SH as a whole. What movie scared you the most out of any other movies? The Rite, because the concept of being raped and impregnated by a demon is fucking horrifying to me. Have you ever wanted to be on American Idol? When was this? Nah. Name 5 things you don’t believe in. 1.) "Everything happens for a reason;" 2.) karma; 3.) destiny/fate; 4.) psychics, fortune tellers, all that; and 5.) luck, at least in the sense of someone having set "good" or "bad" luck. If you could have any friend that you’ve lost back, who would you pick? Probably Megan. If you have pets, who normally puts food and water in their dish? Me for both of them. Do you organize the pictures on your computer into different folders or are they all just under “My Pictures”? I have folders. Do you think if someone is in a relationship, that it is acceptable to have sleepovers with other people of their preferred sex? Eh, nah, that feels a bit far to me. I am very firmly for friends still being able to hang out even if they're each other's preferred gender, but a sleepover sounds a bit too intimate, even without sharing a bed. Would you shoot a gun if given the chance? If you’ve shot a gun before, how many different types of guns have you shot? No. I'm very intimidated by guns and nearly shook when I merely handed a friend his (not for anything bad, he just carried it with him when he goes out), and I've got noooo plans of holding one again unless my life depends on it. Do you feel uncomfortable sharing things like artwork or poetry you’ve written? Is it because you don’t think it’s good enough to show off or because it’s too personal? You. Have. Zero. Idea. It's for both reasons, and it's far more severe in person. Online, I actually don't mind much, oddly enough... I can't quite pin down why. Do you have any siblings you absolutely despise? Why do you despise them? No. Do knives scare you? Is it from watching scary movies? Knives scare me like five times more than guns. Scary movies have nothing to do with it, though. They're just so sharp and the idea of being stabbed by one is terrifying. As someone with a history of self-mutilation too (not with knives, but I've thought about it and once planned to slit my throat with one, but Mom stopped me), they just make me incredibly uncomfortable to the point I can barely hold a "real" knife to just slice food. Have you ever climbed a chain-link fence? Many times. What is your LEAST favorite Disney animated movie? That I've seen, uhhhhh... I don't know man, there are way too many Disney movies lmao. Who was the last person’s house you went to besides your own? My sister's. On YouTube, who are two people you find hilarious? I'm just counting GameGrumps as one, and then you can't forget Shane Dawson, regardless of the controversy. He probably made me laugh more than any other YouTuber. Do you shave your pits? Yeah. Do you know anyone who has been on life support, and survived? I don't think so. Besides the USA, what is your favorite country? I'm not nearly informed enough about foreign countries' politics and laws and mannerisms to have a favorite. Would you rather go to Europe or Asia? Europe. Would you rather go to Africa or Australia? Africa. Would you rather go to Mexico or Canada? Canada. Do you think emo/scene hair is attractive? I love emo and scene hair, don't @ me, it's cute as fuck. Have you ever seen a ghost orb picture? Lots, actually, at one of my old houses that I totally know was haunted. Do you think abortion should be illegal? NO. You would NOT end abortions. You would end SAFE abortions. Do any of your pets have strange habits? Explain? Venus, my ball python, is extremely odd with food to the point I sometimes worry about her, but she's always been this way and is healthy, so I guess it's nothing really worth fretting over. Anyway, when I place her rat in her terrarium, she gets excited first and will pretty much frantically examine her surroundings, like slithering around everywhere, and even when she has clearly found the rat (she'll even prod it with her snout), she usually won't immediately eat. She just like... sits there and has to continue to verify for ten minutes that it's food. I know it's thawed perfectly, btw. So anyway, THAT'S weird... As for Roman, dear god, that cat's just weird, lmao. Especially in the morning, he's very hyper and will bolt around the house sometimes, he "plays" with nothing all the time, he "meerkat"s at nothing that I can nothing, etc. etc. etc. He's a weirdo lol. Have you ever told an extremely inappropriate joke? Oh god, I said something really inapprops once when my friend Chelsea startled me. I won't be repeating it lmao. Who in life have you felt the strongest need to protect? Sara, I think. Who have you most feared in your life? My dad. He doesn't scare me anymore, but he did. What was the quickest friendship you ever made? Oh idk. What is the worst word anyone ever used to describe you? "Martyr." And not the kind that dies for their beliefs. It hurt me so badly to know someone thought of me that way, and I'll probably never let it go. If you have any pets, were they adopted from the humane society? No. Roman is one of the billion kittens born to the cats my sister's in-laws have, and Venus is from a ball python breeding business in Florida called The Gourmet Rodent (they sell f/t rodents too, obvs) Do you like home design, like picking out paint colors and furniture? Not really. My grandmother though, whew, that was her calling for sure. Have you seen any of the old James Bond movies? Nope. List all of your features that you have ever gotten compliments on: My hair, my eyes, my tattoos, my hands, I think my nose, my dimples, my smile, and my boobs lmao. Have you ever been in a hot air balloon? And if not, would you ever want to go in one? I haven't. I think it'd be kinda cool, but they seem too easy to fall out of, and I'm afraid of heights. I'd probably go in one if given the opportunity. Do you have any stains on your shirt currently? No, but there are two small rips. It's just an old tank top. Do you listen to local bands? No. Not that I'm opposed, I just don't know of any I really enjoy. Do you watch YouTube videos often? Many, many daily. Do your parents fight? Do they even talk at all? They're divorced; they used to fight a lot when they were together. Now they only talk if they have reason to. Have you ever watched a movie that's in a complete different language, so you had to read sub-titles? No. Do people with yellow teeth disgust you? Dude, fuck off, no. My teeth are kinda yellow, and I'm extremely self-conscious about it, so seriously fuck this question. You never know for sure why someone's teeth may seem yellowish. Do you drink alcohol on New Year’s Eve? Usually a drink or two. Do you wear rings? I always have two on, yeah. Are you hungry right now? No, I literally just ate a breakfast bowl. Have you ever tried smoking a cigarette? No; I haven't the slightest interest in doing so.

[lifeofroos]

Part 32! And there is a baby! Small reminder that you can still vote for the Solangelo rewards 2021 on @solange-lol! My fic is nominated too!

In short: Nico gets Therapy from Dionysus. In this chapter, a mutual friend has gotten a baby and they have been invited over to see the child. However, Nico is a little nervous... The rest can be found on AO3 and FanFiction.net and in Tumblr tags like Nico di Angelo, Fanfiction, Pjo etc.  This Might Be Crazy: Chapter 32: British tea

Dionysus teleported us to a pretty nice apartment block in the middle of New York. ‘What number?’ I asked. 

‘32.’ 

‘Alright.’ I walked to the door and hovered my fingers over the bells, but when I found it, I did not ring it. 

‘Is something wrong?’

‘I am a little anxious.’ 

‘A little?’

‘Okay, quite. Quite anxious.’ 

‘Hm. Does that get better if you don’t ring the doorbell, even though we have an appointment?’

He had a point. I pressed the doorbell, which felt like quite the achievement. 

‘Who’s there?’ A male voice asked through the intercom. I took a deep breath. 

‘Uh…Nico. Nico di Angelo.’ I swallowed. ‘Um, Mary invited us…’

‘Of course! Come on in!’ The door opened with a soft click. I shot a look at Dionysus, before we walked into the building. 

‘How come that you are so nervous all of a sudden? Usually, you talk to people quite easily. I am assuming you did not talk to the troglodytes like this when you first met them.’

‘I don’t know. Something about the fact that Mary has a baby makes me nervous. I am afraid I’ll hurt them.’ 

‘It’ll be okay. Try to calm down. His name is Ernest, by the way.’ 

‘Because you are such an authority on names.’

‘Now, we are not getting your mouth too big.’

I tried to laugh, but it was higher pitched than usual. ‘Of course not.’  

The door was already open. A man in his late twenties was standing in the doorway. He looked like he was perpetually on a pink cloud. 

He stuck out his hand. We both shook it. ‘You must be Nico,’ he told me. ‘And are you Dio? I don’t hear that name often.’

 Dionysus shrugged. I assumed Mary had not told George his full name. ‘Oh well.’ 

‘Come in,’ George said, with stars in his eyes, ‘Ernest is just awake!’ He led us into the apartment, which looked cozy. They had a fluffy couch in the living room, and Mary was sitting on that couch, and she was holding the tiniest human I had ever seen in my life. 

I mouth fell open a little. Mary smiled. ‘Look, Nico, this is Ernest.’ 

‘He’s… he’s so…’ I took a step backwards. My anxiety went throught the roof. 

George looked at us with a huge smile, seemingly unaware of how I was feeling. ‘He is beautiful, isn’t he!’ He sighed. ‘Do you want anything to drink?’ Dionysus looked at Mary and at me. ‘I think we could all use a cup of tea. I’ll help’

‘That’s not…’ 

‘No, it’s okay.’ Dionysus looked over at George, who went quiet, turned around and walked to the kitchen. Mary raised her eyebrows and shot Dionysus a look. ‘Don’t give him a heart attack.’

‘Of course not.’ Dionysus walked after George, so that I was left alone with Mary and Ernest. 

She turned back to me. ‘Come, you can sit down.’ I stayed where I was. 

‘He… he is so small.’ 

‘Yes. It’s okay, Nico.’ My heart rate increased. I didn’t want to hurt the baby, but I did not want to upset Mary either.

 Slowly, I walked over to the couch and sat down. Mary pushed the blue, fluffy blanket aside a little. ‘Look.’ 

I looked at the small bundle in her arms. The baby was wearing a jumper and a small hat. He looked adorable, but all I could think to say was: ‘Why… why is the hat pink? Not that it matters, but...’ 

‘We didn’t really think about it when we bought it,’ she said, with a small shrug. ‘After he was born, we did think that it was a little unconventional. But as you said, it does not reallt matter. It is just a hat!’ I slowly nodded. 

‘I mean, it fits, pink is Aphrodites’ holy colour.’ 

She chuckled. ‘Yes, it is.’ 

Ernest’ little eyes were open. They turned to me for a second. ‘He sees, but he doesn’t really see me, right?’ 

‘No, he is too small for that.’

‘Ah.’ Then I need to be even more careful with him. 

Dionysus and George came back with a platter of tea and biscuits. George was non-stop talking about the new baby. To me, it seemed like a miracle that Dionysus managed to look interested in what he was saying. 

He put the platter onto the table. George kept talking while making all of us a cup of tea, without thinking to ask whether we wanted sugar or milk. We just got it. I didn’t mind, though, I kind of liked tea with milk. 

When he was done with his story and with his tea, George sat down next on the other side of Mary. Dionysus sat down in an armchair slightly further away. 

For a moment, we all just looked at the baby. ‘He’s beautiful, right?’ George asked. An even bigger smile grew on Mary’s face, while she looked at her boyfriend for a second. 

‘They always are,’ Dionysus commented. I only nodded, still a little fearful. 

Mary looked up at me again. ‘Do you want to hold him?’ 

‘What?’ I swiftly shook my head.

‘It’s okay, Nico. I am here, and Dio is too...’ 

I looked at my hands. I mean, I did want to hold the baby, but…

Ernest gave a little cry. George jumped up. ‘I’ll go see what’s wrong,’ he said, sounding slightly panicked. He carefully took Ernest from his mother, before walking to the next room. Mary gave Dionysus an angry look. He was playing innocent. 

She sighed. ‘Nico, it really is okay,’ she reassured me. 

‘What if I hurt him? I don’t want to hurt him. He’s so small.’ 

Dionysus scraped his throat. ‘Nico, why do you think you’ll hurt Ernest?’

‘Sometimes I feel like I’ll lose control.’ 

‘Have you ever lost control the past few months?’

‘No. Not since the monster attack on Denny’s.’

‘So why would you lose control now?’

I shrugged. ‘Logically, I know that the chance is basically zero. Yet, that does not make the fear go away.’ Dionysus was quiet for a moment. Mary laid a hand on my shoulder. 

‘Do you want to hold him? As in, just want it, if you don’t think about your fears for a second?’ 

‘Yes.’

‘Then you can just come back when you feel better about it. That’s okay, I know you, after all.’ 

I looked at the couch. ‘I really like the baby, it is not that.’ 

Mary smiled, as if it truly did not matter. ‘Do you want to see him again, though? Otherwise, you can just leave now, before George comes back.’

I shook my head. ‘I want to see him again.’ I looked at Dionysus, who gave me a single nod. 

A few minutes later, George came back with Ernest. ‘He has been cleaned up.’ He gave the baby back to Mary. I looked at Ernest. For a moment, I could imagine that he was looking back.

We sat and talked for a few minutes, but I did not really listen. After a while, I took a deep breath. ‘Eh… can I still hold him?’ 

Mary gave me a surprised look. ‘Of course.’ Slowly, she handed me Ernest, until I was holding him on my own. He looked sleepy, with his little blanket and his little hat. He was warm, tiny and his small eyes were looking, or trying to look. I cradled him slightly closer and smiled.

‘He’s so soft.’ 

George sighed. ‘Yes.’

‘I think that is mostly the blanket,’ Mary commented. George shook his head in the background. Mary turned around. I laughed. 

The baby gave a small cry when my arms shook. With a start, I looked back at him. Oh, he was already calm. Was he already calm? 

‘Shall I take him back?’ Mary asked. 

‘Yes,’ I said, a little freaked out. With utmost care I gave Ernest back to his mother. 

After that, I picked up my tea and took a sip. George decided it was time to begin another story, but now I was happy to listen to it. 

After half an hour, Ernest had fallen asleep. Mary looked tired. 

‘I think it might be time to leave,’ Dionysus commented. I nodded, and so did Mary. George got up and showed us out. 

After he closed the door, Dionysus put his hand on the wall next to it. He whispered a few words in Ancient Greek. When he was done, he beckoned me down the stairway. ‘I had to bless them,’ he explained, ‘Mary should have a healthy, happy baby and Ernest should have a happy, healthy mother.’ I completely agreed. 

 ‘Nico?’

‘Yes?’ 

‘What made you suddenly think that you could hold Ernest?’

I shrugged. ‘I don’t know. But I did it.’

‘Are you glad you did it?’

‘Yes. I am very happy I did it. On one hand because I liked Ernest, but on the other hand because it feels like I am closer to defeating that fear. I really did not hurt him. So next time, I probably won’t either.’ I sighed. ‘Thanks for coming along.’

‘Hey, I wanted to see the kid too.’ He looked at me with a small smile. 

‘Ah.’ 

He sighed deeply. ‘Don’t listen to me, Nico. I think you did very well.’ 

A/N: Hand-shaking,,,,, it feels like a century ago that that was considered polite,,,,

Btw why is there no celebratory food for when a baby is born in the USA? In the Netherlands, you get ‘beschuit met muisjes’ when you visit a new baby. It is a sailors biscuit, but with butter and little anise dots (the muisjes), usually blue for a boy and pink for a girl, although there has been a new trend of gender neutral ‘muisjes,’ which are red for example. When a royal baby is born, for a small period of time the stores will sell orange anise dots.

This is the end of the (Admittedly rather short) Parent arc! Of course there will be way more content with Hades and/or Persephone, but I think that falls under the new arc that will begin after a bonus chapter....

[egregiousderp]

Me: shows up to work, can’t clock in, checks schedule on phone to see if I’ve forgotten when I actually work by reading the schedule for the wrong week (which I do. A lot. Despite checking my days usually six times and setting proper alarms to help guide me.)

I am mysteriously removed from the schedule and the schedule for next week.

Go up to the front desk, and get told to wait in the office for the store manager.

Immediately spiral into a panic because ohgodthisisiti’mgettingfiredsomehowohnowhatdidido?

Like.

It takes about half a second for my brain to immediately supply that it’s clearly longer than a week and therefore no ordinary suspension where I like. Forgot to check ID or whatever. So it’s clearly a massive disaster.

It immediately starts poring over every large western union transaction and money order thing I’ve done in the last month. It starts wondering if the cash I put in the drawer was somehow off. If something didn’t ring up and I therefore didn’t pay for it and I’m being fired for theft by technicality.

Like. Thirty seconds of pure white-hot panic-

And no, my mild-mannered, soft-spoken boss who usually watches you for months before taking you aside with a book of things you’ve done wrong (WHICH MAKES IT WORSE, DUDES. SO MUCH WORSE.) takes me aside to tell me I’ve been in contact with another associate for more than ten minutes who’s called in with corona symptoms.

Panic round two starts immediately because Oh God are they okay.

Mild Mannered Manager reassures me they’re probably fine and apparently the footage has checked and confirmed I was good about wearing my mask even after hours etc. which may or may not be his way of saying they’re probably faking but who can tell.

“Some people get no symptoms at all. You’re probably fine,” Mild-Mannered Manager reassures me.

“Well yes. Which means I can still absolutely spread it and kill people.”

This poor man just sees me spinning my wheels and spiking through half of my caffeine tablet in the span of a minute and just reassures me all the paperwork for me getting paid is in and I don’t have to do anything but enjoy my time off. Really trying to calm me down. Which is nice of him but...you know...anxiety. Anxiety does things with the proffered fist-bump he goes to give me. (Which I tap my elbow against because I touched my bag. I used that bag this week. What if I infect him when he’s trying so hard to be nice?)

I end up leaving the store, reassured I’m getting two weeks out with pay for quarantine and at least won’t have to worry about my bills while I start Panic Round Three and backtrack when the last time I saw my family was. (Tuesday night. When I stopped by briefly to pick up a package from Nan and spoke with my sister from proper social distance.)

I call them up and update them on the subject while relieved privately that all the stuff I was supposed to cook for them next Thursday is frozen and at least won’t go bad in between updates about my brother and his Fiancée.

Drop into the Pokemasters of Destiny chat after a thirty minute relay between all the family members currently at home and get asked if I have food and can get it delivered.

Which. Okay. Yeah. I kind of do. I hoard food like a really terrible dragon or something, but that doesn’t stop me from spending another hour or two going through online shopping trying to pick up some fresh foods for my house because Two Weeks Without Fresh Produce Is Going To Make Me Even Crazier than the normal crazy I get when I can’t work through my birthday.

Laundry starts round four of minor panic while I’m debating if I’m a bunch of basil kind of person or a clamshell of basil kind of person. It’s usually a Sunday thing but if I’m contagious that’s going to be an absolute no-go and can I actually wash underwear in my sink?

“Well at least you get to clean your house?” Supplies my mom, in the most mom text to ever mom a text, followed by about twenty emojis that make next to no sense.

I tell her I have a Whole Foods delivery coming by the house tomorrow and a recipe for fig tapenade.

I do not tell her my lunch was a double shot of the last of my good gin I bought in March on the last night before the shelter in place went into effect that didn’t effect me at all on account of being essential personnel. Because that’s the only depressant in my house and usually the best solution for cutting the adrenaline out of my system.

It was probably Wednesday Night, I think. So that’s what, five days or so from Wednesday? That’s Monday. Probably Monday.

If I make it to next Wednesday without symptoms, I’ll get myself a new bottle of Lemon Gin.

I proceed to stare at the wall for the next hour, wondering gloomily if that’s an alcoholic thought or actually a decent precaution against throat bacteria.

“I should make bread,” I tell one of my houseplants.

I sit there and think about making bread without actually making bread.

There’s going to be two more weeks of this.

[multiversal-archive]

((Hello guys, I have some hot fuckin’ tea, and it’s about Yamcha. Come join the tea party and take a sip, babes.

Alright, so for context, there was conversation on @dragon-ball-meta [sorry if you think it’s weird to be tagged in a random rp blog’s post I will delete it from the post if you want me to-] about the potential of a pairing between Android Eighteen and Yamcha, the majority  agreeing that the pairing really didn’t make a lot of sense. No big deal, right?

Then comes one user, I will not name them because I don’t want to turn this into a witch hunt, who basically argued “IT DOESN’T WORK BECAUSE YAMCHA IS SEXIST TRASH”

And it. Really annoyed me, you know? Especially since there seems to be this trend of shitting on Yamcha for dumb or made up reasons.

And if you know me, you know that I can’t stand people shitting on him and Krillin.

Now, Dragon Ball Meta has done a good job in rebutting against their arguments, but I wish to make a response of my own, since this character assassination has been going on for years, and I think it’s time to stop.

Fuck your memes, the only valid Yamcha meme anymore is Yamcha juggling turtle shells.

Now before I start, I’d like to preface a few things.

First, no, I do not ship Eighteen and Yamcha. Not only because of the context that Dragon Ball Meta has pointed out, but because their general characters would really make the ship make no sense. Yamcha’s fear of girls would really not mesh well with Eighteen’s ‘spit it out’ kinda attitude. Not to mention, as much as I like Bulcha, Bulma is proof that bossy women just aren’t the best match for Yamcha. He’s too passive to make the relationship work. Yamcha is so afraid of getting dumped that he just nervously accepts that she’s right, and sometimes your partner needs to be told that they’re wrong. And while Eighteen is quieter, she’s kinda bossy too. So no, I don’t see this ship working, with or without Krillin.

Second, just so there’s no mistake, no, this is not me arguing against Dragon Ball Meta. I might elaborate, or even correct him on a few things on the subject, but in general, I agree with his assessment of Yamcha’s character. This is a response to one of the users that reblogged his post. Please do not think for a second I’m trying to start beef or anything.

Also, the person will not be name dropped because one, again, no witch hunt, and two, this is unfortunately an opinion of Yamcha that the majority of the fanbase seems to hold. So I will be arguing them all to fuck.

And if you find out who it is by going to DBM’s blog, do not, I repeat, do not harass them. If you do, I will block you. No exceptions! I don’t care if you’re following me, I don’t care if you like my writing and my characterization, I don’t even care if we’re mutuals. If you harass someone over works of fiction, you’re fucking dead to me.

Third, I know that being a Yamcha roleplayer might make me biased, but believe me, in order to write for this character, I had to do a fuck ton of research, especially since I’m actually relatively new to the series [I fuckin started binge watching it last year from Dragon Ball to Dragon Ball Super, still debating on watching GT], reading up on anything that I missed so that I can stay as true to his character as possible.

That being said, the research I’ve done on this series and this character is why I think the notion of Yamcha being sexist, a cheater, etc. is erroneous.

Now, Let’s begin.

You really don’t bring up a lot of points, your main ones being one, he sees girls as objects and not people, and two, he cheated on Bulma [ah that classic misconception among fans], So I will shoot them down one at a time.

One; You claim that Yamcha is sexist, that he sees girls as objects and things to be exploited.

... When?

No, I mean it, give me one fucking example. You made the claim, the burden of proof is on you, as the one making the argument. I’ll even provide links that let you view the mangas and animes for free so you can point me to one manga panel, one episode with the time that it happens. Give me one example, and I might, might, take that claim seriously.

You also say that he feels justified in his fear and distrust of women, so he’s sexist.

Uhm....? No??? You’re right that he’s afraid of women, but distrustful??? The fuck did that come from?

Oh, but you might zone in on the fear and be like, “That’s proof enough that he’s sexist!”

Uuuuuhhhhh no.

See, fear can mean different things depending on what it’s bred by. With things such as homophobia, transphobia, and, yes, sexism, those are fears bred by hate.

In Yamcha’s case, it’s clear that that’s not his case of fear. Not only does he express his want to get over his fear so he can talk to a girl without freezing up or being a blabbering mess, hence his motivation for trying to steal the Dragon Balls from Goku and the others, but the other characters’ outright point out that he’s shy. On numerous occasions. Usually by Bulma, but still.

Not to mention that usually his reactions to being around a girl or being flirted with by one, it’s usually very anxious, leaving me to believe that he’s got some sort of social anxiety going on.

If you need proof, look no further than episode six of Dragon Ball “Keep an Eye on the Dragon Balls”, where it shows various instances of Yamcha going into panic attacks over Bulma, even going into an outright catatonic state when he realizes he accidentally grabbed Bulma’s boob. [which also discredits the notion of Yamcha seeing girls like objects, as he’s constantly horrified of seeing and touching a naked girl. If he saw girls as objects, he would have been creeping on her all to hell.]

The only reason he got over his fear with Bulma is because her safety was in jeopardy, and he had to put his fear aside to protect her. Once again, this discredits the idea of him seeing women as beneath him, as well as your other point, which I will get to in a while.

“But why is he only like that with girls?” you might ask. Well, not only is there several real life examples of boys being too shy around girls and feeling more at home with talking to boys, Yamcha has expressed wanting to get married one day. And as someone with social anxiety myself, I do find it very hard to approach people IRL because I’m afraid of being judged, if it makes sense. So it’s very easy to argue that the same could apply to Yamcha, just with girls his age.

Two; Your argument is that he cheated on Bulma and that in general, any ship with him would be abusive.

Uhm??? The only source for the cheating issue was Trunks, who got it from his mother... Who’s known to misunderstand situations Yamcha finds himself in as him cheating. Who’s known to get jealous if a girl shows interest in him, not him showing interest in the girl, but the girl showing interest in him.

Not to mention, does this look like someone that’s willing to cheat?

Because to me this looks more like someone that takes his relationship with Bulma seriously and wants to take it further. And remember, the only prompting was Goku telling Bulma to “take care of the baby” with no context.

Oh, also here’s the link to the manga page so you know I’m not bullshitting.

Oh, what’s that? You’re going to bring up the episode in Dragon Ball Z where it shows him as a baseball player? Where not only were they broken up at the time when he asked someone to go on a date with him and was talking with another girl, but the entire episode was also filler? Once again, think back to his shyness. Even Toriyama confirmed that it’s always going to be there.

“Oh but then you’ll have to say all the fun stuff like Chichi making Goku learn to drive and Yamcha, Tien, and Chiaotzu kicking the Ginyu Force’s ass.” you may say.

I mean. Yeah. It’s not canon. But unless it’s deconfirmed by Toriyama himself or doesn’t contradict established characterization, then we can still imagine that they happened. Most of the filler are things happening during timeskips anyways, or just don’t happen during the main story, so it’s really up to the imagination what all happened, and Toei did just that.

You also claim that Yamcha behaves like a fuckboi, to which I have to say bitch where?

Yeah, he was a bit annoyed that Bulma had Vegeta’s child, but that was never, I repeat, never directed at Bulma, or Trunks for that matter. In fact, by the looks of it, he was helping Bulma take care of him. It’s quite clearly directed at Vegeta.

Why?

Simply put, Yamcha’s ultimate goal was to settle down and start a family. And not only does Vegeta do that, with his ex no less, but he also just... Completely ignores them.

Can you imagine how infuriating that is, not even flaunting something they have that you don’t, but completely ignoring it like it’s nothing.

Vegeta had started this family, the family that could have been Yamcha’s, and he wasn’t even willing to take responsibility for it.

Now I’m not trying to imply that Yamcha was owed anything or that Bulma owed anyone anything. Hell, I don’t think Yamcha thought that either. I’m just trying to illustrate his mindset.

And you know what? After the Cell Games Saga, he stopped being cross with Vegeta. He’s still friendly with Bulma and Trunks, and he’s even friendly with Vegeta. Hell, when Bulla was born, he was excited to meet her.

Pretty sure if he were a fuckboy, he’d be trying to win Bulma back.

But no, he’s content with being friends with Bulma and her family. Because, at least I think, he cares about what she wants and what makes her happy. I think so long as she’s happy with what she has, then he’s happy too.

Does that sound like a fuckboy to you?

“Well then why did they break up? Are you saying Bulma did something wrong?”

No.

Just like in real life, sometimes break ups don’t happen because one slighted the other.

Sometimes things just don’t work out.

Think about it, throughout the series, up until the Android Arc, their relationship has been on and off, usually Bulma accusing him of cheating. And like I pointed out earlier in the post, Yamcha is just too passive to make the relationship work. If he were more assertive and willing to stand his ground and assure her that no, he’s not cheating, then maybe it would have had a better chance of working. 

I think at this point, the healthiest thing for them was that they stopped being in this relationship. For good.

And if their break up was really the result of one of them wronging each other, they would not still be friends.

So, can we end this character assassination? It’s been going on for yeas, and it needs to stop. Same with Krillin’s character assassination.

The memes may have been funny once upon a time, but they’re getting old now. And people are starting to view them as canon.

And that’s it for my tea. If you have something you wish to add or to correct me on, please be sure to share your thoughts. I’d love to know. ^^

Sorry that this is so long and probably all over the place holy fuck-))

[unkindrewind]

L A W S

* Charlie, his setting, and plot were all developed and conceived by myself and Bunny @gcrefxed / @killerxquccn. While we’re totally fine with others adding their characters into the setting / plot, it must be discussed first by either Bunny or myself. Theft will not be tolerated and WILL be called out.

* Unless it's something applicable to our muses collectively, Please reblog memes or posts in general from the source. I'm not a resource blog and if treated as one, especially by blogs who never interact, I will soft block.

* I will NOT interact with blogs that use youtubers, social media influencers, or anime / drawn characters for their Fcs. Nothing against you, it’s just not my thing.

* I will BLOCK personal blogs that reblog, like, or follow, as I like to keep interactions here between fellow rp mutuals. If you have an rp side-blog, let me know beforehand so I dont mistake you for a non -rp personal.

* I WILL NOT interact with minors. Given the content on this blog and the fact I’m an oldie, I just feel more comfortable writing with people of age, not to mention feel more comfortable exploring the darker / horror themes of this blog with adult mutuals.

* As stated I am MUTUALS ONLY,   meaning i will only write with mutuals. While I do greatly appreciate people following and showing interest, if i dont follow back there’s genuinely no hard feelings. Its not a slight against you or in any way me thinking less of your character or taking some weird high and mighty attitude but : 1. I just get very overwhelmed with an overly busy dash and need to be a bit selective to prevent my anxiety from going nuts 2. At the time, I'm not seeing a way or know how our characters could interact. You’re more than welcome to unfollow. Alternatively please dont feel obligated to follow back if I follow first, aside from understanding this blogs content might not be for everyone, i don't believe in follow for follow. So if you're not genuinely interested in writing, I'd prefer a soft block.  If you want to interact but don't follow me, chances are I’ll say no as I take following as a sign of interest. I may take a while to follow back as my notifications on here are the worst. If I don’t follow back within a weeks time, feel free to unfollow. .

T H R E A D S  /   P L O T T I N G

*  I love plotting. If given my way I'd be plot exclusive but I know that's not everyone's cup of tea. If you're ever interested in plotting, know I am already onboard.

*  If you want to turn a meme or ask into a thread, I’d prefer to be asked before hand. Simply because sometimes its nice to have memes just be stand alone things or for fun.              

  -   Additionally I take the memes I send in to others as just memes for memes sake as well, so if you want a thread to continue off one you'll have to let me know , otherwise I'm clueless.

S H I P P I N G   /   D Y N A M I C S

As of 8/14/20 Charlie is no longer open to romantic ships with female muses specifically, and will ship only with Bunny’s female muses: Irene @gcrefxed and Sarah @killerxquccn  , with her characters being detrimental in Charlie's story and to his character. Sarah specifically has always been the love of Charlie's life with the likelihood of anyone (beyond Irene) able to come close slim to none. This in no way means I will not interact with female muses or am being exclusionary  from this point; I always want to explore the multitude of subtleties in dynamics between Charlie and muses of every gender - even female muses having feelings for charlie, flirting with him etc - but dynamics with those female leaning will not result in anything romantic. Male muses, however,  are still open to the possibility of such a dynamic as that aspect to Charlies sexuality and character hasnt been delved into and I would find really interesting to explore. If you have any questions, feel free to ask! But please respect this decision and don't try to pressure or force me to change my mind as that will result in an automatic block. I ship based on chemistry between muses, but Im also very okay with pre-established dynamics (whether that be romantic, friends with benefits, enemies, platonic, familial, whatever!) Considering that can be a bit easier thread wise for some people instead of starting from the very beginning.  As with most things, I like to talk through it beforehand. If you have anything in mind, you're more than welcome to approach me! But I also reserve the right to respectfully turn things down or offer alternate options if things don't mesh.

S M U T

While I, and my muse, are of age, I’m not entirely comfortable writing smut unless it’s with a mun 1.) I know well and 2.) Is of age. So for the most part any if it all suggestive scenes will lead to a fade to black, time skip, etc.

T R I G G E R S

My muse being horror related there may be some triggers here. There will be mentions, and maybe -though rarely- the occasional image, of : Blood,  Violence , Murder , Serial Killers . Knives / Bladed weapons. I will ABSOLUTELY tag NSFW material [ with the tag nsfw > ] and triggers where applicable, though if you would like me to tag something specific to your needs or if there’s something I missed, don’t hesitate to let me know and I will do so right away!

M U N

* I write under the alias Nox! ( She/Her ) and I am of age

* i am a-okay with questions, especially about my muse! if you have any about anything at all i will be more than happy to answer them the best i can! 

* Also totally fine with random IMs! despite being spacy as hell sometimes, I love talking to people. Even if we havent talked or interacted  before, doors always open. I also have discord which I'll hand out to those I chat with and ask for it.

* I am very forgetful and easily distracted! Its the ADHD / Anxiety in me, added in with my irl stuff going on. Sometimes I forget to respond to IMs, but I promise it's not me ignoring you or a sign of disinterest [if we're mutuals, Im interested]. Dont be afraid to give me a poke if i take too long.     

    - Adding onto that I also have Depression . Which tends to put me in a bad headspace not only fairly often but fairly easily and makes me a bit tentative about trying to start things with others, based on bad past experience and my own mind being a bastard and thinking most people don't want to interact with me. So I promise, if we're mutuals, even if Im not sending things, I want to interact but probably being a clown and just afraid to while admiring you from afar until I can make a move. If you want to go ahead and go for it, I highly encourage it! Your best bet would be to approach me first.

* You can also find me on my other blogs:

@rapturcd // Bioshock OC

@fullcfwoe // CAOS OCs

@synthend // Cyberpunk OC

@sxnned // Demon  OC

@disowncd // Dylan Massett from Bates Motel

@clovcn // Lucifer from CAOS

R E S P O N S E T I M E / A C T I V I T Y

As it is i have a hard time keeping muse, just the way i am sadly. i know this is something a lot of people, myself included, can find frustrating (especially when you’re really into a thread) but a fair amount of the time i may take a while to respond. as much as i love this, aside from being a hobby, i have a chronic illness that makes me exhausted most days or just not in the mood to write and not in any kind of state to type out a response you lovely people would deserve. though i will always try to quickly reply when i can.

M E M E S

Yes. please. send as many as you want, as often as you want. Even if we haven’t interacted, you’re free to send one my way; They can be a great place to start things off.

P O S T L E N G T H  /  F O R M A T T I N G

 * I tend to use icons and small - but not super tiny-  text,  and usually some form of para, multi-para , or novella, but it really depends on my mood etc. Though all these things can vary : If you dont use icons, I can do iconless threads. If my formatting is too small, obnoxious, or hard to read, let me know! And I'll change to whatevers easiest to read. Want something short and sweet, mostly dialogue based? I can do that too. I go with the flow

* You don’t have to match my length in posts! sometimes i can write far too much when i get really into writing (and alternatively not write enough), so don’t feel obligated or pressured to follow suit by any means! whatever you are comfortable with is totally okay! it’s not a contest, this is all for fun.

G R A P H I C S / C R E D I T

* all icons and graphics are created by me unless stated otherwise

* icon psd by plutocommissions

* border by venuscomissions

Thank you sm for taking the time to read!

[latetothegreysparty]

15x11: Subtle Brilliance

I might be in the minority here, but I really loved 15x11. Absolutely loved it. I thought it had a beautiful way of subtly showcasing the characters’ personalities and vulnerabilities, particularly Amelia and Tom. So without further ado, here’s my deep dive. Thanks to @omeliasource for allowing me to use their YouTube clips in this post.

This was the first scene that I really loved. It was such a lovely, in-character way of handling the nerves for Amelia and Tom. This was the beginning of this episode’s exploration of Tom’s “arrogance” and what function it really serves in his life. The way he openly acknowledged that he was failing to achieve his usual level of outward cockiness illustrated how much he relies on this for coping with stress and anxiety. He is an extremely talented surgeon who knows how skilled he is, so in most procedures, he probably is very confident that he will achieve a good outcome. However, just like anybody else, he experiences nervousness and doubt. His chosen way of handling that is to present a facade of over-the-top confidence that convinces everyone around him that he thinks he can do anything. When he steps into that character, it’s a signal to his brain that it’s time to push aside the nerves and perform. In this scene, we see the first failure of his air of over-confidence to pull him out of his emotions.

Then we have the part about Amelia’s rambling. The fact that Tom even suggests it shows two things: that he understands Amelia well and that he affirms her ways of working through intrusive thoughts and emotions. He says it so casually, but it has so much meaning behind it. This is one of the things I love most about Tom’s character: that he conveys such deep and meaningful messages in understated ways. In a show that often deals heavily in long-winded, passionate rants, it’s nice to also see meaning presented more subtly. I enjoy the tear-filled monologues as much as the next Grey’s fan, but it’s just not realistic to have all of the moments of revelation come in such spectacular fashion. Most often, life reveals poignancy to us in the form of seemingly mundane words and actions. Capturing that well is where the art of film and television goes from good to great.

Lastly, I loved how Tom’s “Amelia word vomit” starts out as an expression of concern about the men whose penises won’t be saved if they don’t succeed in Catherine’s surgery. This is something Tom and Amelia share: a tendency to deflect tough situations and emotions by cracking a joke or saying something crass. Amelia calls him on it, and then he gives us a glimpse of where his thoughts are really at. This was a lovely scene from start to finish.

“Could you call it something else?” “Like what?” “Literally anything else.” That exchange had me rolling. Amelia and Tom’s banter is legendary, and that alone is reason enough for me to want Tom to become a permanent member of the cast.

The conversation in the last minute of this clip was fascinating. The way they communicated was so uniquely them. They were talking rapidly and in a way that would make seemingly no sense to an uninformed bystander, but yet nobody batted an eye. I think this speaks to the camaraderie and understanding between everyone at Grey-Sloan. They understand each other, and they understand the relationships their coworkers have with each other. Everybody knows how Tom and Amelia work, and they all trust and respect them enough to step back and let them work through things in the ways that work for them. Amelia’s final remark, “For the record, I do not like you,” was also a brilliant inclusion. It was a way that was unique to their style of communication to say: “I know you’re right, but I hate that this is the only way.” It was the perfect way to say many things with few words as well as keep from saying things that shouldn’t be said in front of Catherine’s friends and family. But more on that later.

This was my favorite scene in the entire episode. I word-vomited to @omeliathehurricane about it last night. This was the best example in the show of doing so much in small ways. For the first time, we seem Tom Koracick falter heavily. He saw Catherine’s face and struggled to continue with the procedure. Amelia had the most perfect response for so many reasons. It was a way around the issue to allow them to continue with the procedure. But it was more than that. She knows exactly how Tom’s mind works, so she knew that the best way to bring him back into himself was to simultaneously remove him from the difficult moment and give him an opportunity to pull out his arrogance as a way to quell his doubts and emotions and move forward. She respected his coping mechanism and subtly gave him a way in which to utilize it.

But her handling of that situation was merciful to more than just Tom. She was also looking out for every other member of the surgical team. Everyone knew that the stakes were high and the procedure would be difficult. If the nurses, scrub techs, anesthesiologist, etc. knew that the surgeons were having difficulty even moving forward with the procedure, that would introduce a whole new level of stress into the room. Amelia found a way to draw attention away from Tom’s struggles and protect the rest of the surgical team. She also protected Bailey and Webber. Her quick and discreet way of dealing with the issue kept it from being visible in the gallery. If Bailey and Webber had detected Tom’s difficulty, the whole situation could have devolved and gone down one of many not-so-good paths. Amelia was faced with a potentially massive problem that could’ve created a domino effect of issues, but she was able to come up with the optimal solution within seconds. That short little exchange showcased her ingenuity, her emotional intelligence, her understanding of the people who she cares about, and her ability to see the whole picture. This was an incredible example of a small, easily missable moment that contained a massive amount of nuance and meaning. 

“To be present enough to have felt every terrifying, exhilarating, imperfect moment.” That is such an important note. Life rarely gives you moments of pure perfection. On rare occasions it does. And when it does, you should hold onto those moments and savor every second. But if the only moments you can appreciate are the perfect ones, you’re going to go through life chasing a high that you’ll never find. The key to living a fulfilled life is to find and embrace the beauty in imperfect moments. Moments that are challenging and heartbreaking and not the way you pictured them, but are nonetheless filled with wonder and joy. Amelia encapsulated that so well here, and it really resonated with my own personal experiences of finding joy and hope.

I’m so glad Richard was there too. There’s the obvious connection that he is Catherine’s husband, but to me, that’s not the biggest message from his presence at this meeting. He was there with Amelia in the moments when she was struggling to find that beauty in imperfection, so it seems rather fitting that he was there when she fully embraced and appreciated it.

Okay, I think that’s about it for my extremely long-winded thoughts on this episode. As you can tell, I loved it, and I found it deeply thought-provoking. Yes, it didn’t have any Omelia in it, but that’s okay with me. I love Omelia, but I also love Owen and Amelia each individually, and I love exploring relationships they have with other people and aspects of their characters that are showcased outside of their relationship with each other. This was an amazing episode that beautifully showcased the relationship between Amelia and Tom as well as many aspects of each of their personalities. Caterina and Greg did breathtaking work bringing the subtleties of this episode to life.