#saying that as someone who literally never rarely ever feels or is compelled to feel “sexy

[artificial-condition]

Suchhhhhhh a good day

•lovely sunny weather but not too hot

•didn’t have work and don’t have work tomorrow

•took a shower in the morning and had my hair braided right after while still wet

•got bakery goods mmm

•made toffee and chopped some up which was really satisfying

•wore two different comfy cute outfits that I really enjoy and feel myself in

•blasted ridiculous songs on the way back from the bakery and looked ridiculous in a lovely way

•crocheted blanket I’m working on

•DIDNT GET A HEADACHE DIDNT GET A GLINT OF HEADACHE NOT EVEN AN INKLING OF PREHEADACHE

As far as getting things accomplished I didn’t do hardly anything but in the business of enjoying life I excelled today!

[januaryrabbit]

Request: how svt would deal with their crush being in a relationship already (their crush is their bff)

hello! thank you for requesting, im sorry its so late!! :) this scenario is kinda angsty so i hope you dont mind!!

seventeen when their crush (who happens to be their best friend) is in a relationship!!!

pairing: svt x gn!reader

word count: 2.3k

warnings: angst, Simping, Yearning

other disclaimers/notes: lowercase intended; barely proofread because it's 4am!!!, i’ve been watching wayyyyy too many coming of age films lately lmao!!!

✩‧₊˚Cope (trying to be normal)

vernon: vernon rolls with the punches in most any circumstance, and this is no exception. like Yeah….this shit sucks….but you guys are best friends, so he has to deal with it. i don’t think this would affect him too much tbh,,,like i think the fact that he’s in love with you is something he rarely even admits to himself. i feel like he always has it in the back of his mind, but nothing more than that. i think he’d be able to ignore his feelings the most successfully out of all the members because vernon’s realistic with himself and he knows there’s no point in being hurt over something that’s out of his control. none of this stops him from loving you, but that’s something for him to know and you to never find out lol. seungkwan knows about vernon’s feelings btw. he (vernon) figures that if he had to tell anyone…it would be him, and for whatever reason, he felt compelled to tell at least one person about all of this. vernon doesn’t know why, but it feels better knowing that someone knows his true feelings, even if that someone isn’t, and probably can never be, you.

s.coups: you know that face he makes after the girl rejects him in mansae??? Yeah. Yeah that’s him at all times lmao. he cant say hes mad at anyone in this situation, except maybe the universe lmao. i think he just regards this whole situation has his life’s hugest bruh moment LOL. he’s gotten okay at pretending like everything’s fine when he’s around you, because in his mind, there’s nothing else he can do. there was no way he was going to end his friendship with you, but there was also no way he could confess his feelings to you. in private, he’s talked to some of the boys about it in private - mostly jeonghan and joshua, but sometimes when he’s feeling particularly frustrated with the situation, he goes to woozi, who is able to ground him every time he feels like he can’t take it anymore. seungcheol knows that to others, being friends with you while still being in love with you doesn’t make the slightest bit of sense; but if it meant you were still in his life to some capacity, that was all that mattered to him.

joshua: the definition of smiling thru the pain…like he’s literally katy perry They ask you how you sre and you just have to say that youre fine even though youre not fine like. i think more than anything, he’s not too torn up over this situation than he is irritated. the mention of your partner makes his eye twitch LMFAO. like when you come back from going on a trip with them, you start telling joshua about everything you did together and he’s like THAT’S SO COOL Y/N . I’M SO GLAD YOU GUYS HAD FUN. *eye twitch* LOL. tries his best not to go overboard with it or make it obvious that he’s being sarcastic - he’s aware enough to know that your happiness is important and that unless there’s a legit reason one day, he doesnt have any grounds for disliking your s/o too LOL. i think he’s probably overly cautious if you ever tell him that you and your s/o were having problems as well. like he would be try really hard to be neutral if you ever asked him for his opinion on a situation that happened between you and your partner. i think he would feel guilty about being your confidant while having these feelings for you,,as much as he wants to tell you to break up with them and be with him instead, he knows how terribly selfish of him it would be to put you in that situation. so, he endures it everyday.

dk: dude……HE IS ALSO SMILING THROUGH THE PAIN…..but like HES ALSO CRYING….SO BAD….like. he tries REALLY hard to keep everything lighthearted around you - any time the conversation gets even close to being serious, he always pivots to a different topic. some of the other boys can tell something’s the matter when he’s around you, but they can’t quite place what’s different about him. when he’s around you, he just seems ever-so-slightly…off. his smile is less bright, his jokes are a little less frequent, and he’s actually kind of quiet when people are around you two. it’s a weird sight to see, and dk knows this; he knows that others have noticed, but he’s trying as hard as he can to behave as naturally as he can around you. i think he’s one of the members that would be pretty broken up about the situation, similar to mingyu. i don;t see him being able to deal with something like this well. i think he definitely goes to the other boys for comfort about this, to the point where his feelings for you are kind of an open secret amongst them lmao. (except dino because seungkwan begged everyone not to tell him because he thinks dino would make it obvious that dk likes you so they leave him in the dark!!!) 

seungkwan: bruh seungkwan tries so hard to be normal around you but then he’ll text vernon “im third wheeling y/n again please kill me” in the same breath. sometimes when he’s falling asleep at night he’s just like god how did i end UP in this situation!!!!!  he’s more of the kind of person who’s pouty about it instead of sad about it. he just finds the situation annoying more than anything, and he wishes that you would just REALIZE HE’S IN LOVE WITH YOU ALREADY!! but he’s alright with waiting it out. i think he’s one of the members who would be not very fond of your partner LMAO. every time they greet seungkwan he’s just like “oh hey -___- how are you -___-” and your partner is like babe how do i get seungkwan to like me and you’re like HAHA he’s just like that, he needs to warm up to you!! (seungkwan knows this is not the case with this specific person.) but yeah, i think seungkwan also holds out hope that one day the two of you will end up together. i don’t think he would go as far as to ruin your relationship or influence you to break up with your partner, but i think he would definitely confess if you ever became single again LOL. i think it would be a teary confession too, because he’s been bottling up all these feelings for a while.

✩‧₊˚depression.

chan: oh my lee chan…i think he would fucking die in this situation!!! it would just, Destroy him. and you could tell there was something seriously wrong…he just wasn’t his usual excited self anymore, and he was suddenly beginning to avoid you out of nowhere. dino doesn’t want to do this; he doesn't want to be anywhere but by your side, but that place isn’t for him anymore and he knows that all too well. i think he would be one of the only people who would actually confess his feelings at some point, regardless if you were in a relationship or not. i think one day he would reach his breaking point and ust blurt it out because he just can’t take it anymore. i think part of him, although he feels guilty for it, knows that telling you about it is the first step he needs to take for him personally to move on. the only thing that hurts him more than not being able to be your person is keeping a secret this huge from you.

jun: dude this is the cat version of a kicked puppy. like. jun is NOT ok…..and he’s not very good at hiding it i think. i think you’d be able to tell that something was wrong, but jun is terrified about talking about this with you, so you never really find out what’s bothering him. i dont think he’s one who would ever end up telling you about his feelings. in fact, he might be one of the only ones who lets your friendship naturally drift apart because of his feelings for you. it’s not that he doesnt want to be in your life, but he also wants to get over you more than anything. but i think it would be incredibly difficult for him to see you as just a friend tbh, so for as long as you’re dating your partner, i think he’d keep his distance sadly.

hoshi: the light in this man’s eyes have unironically left. like. the thought of hoshi being sad over you……..I CAN’T BEAR IT!!! yeah i think he would take this all pretty hard. though unlike jun, i don;t think hoshi would be able to stay away from you and keep his distance. you’re too precious of a person in his life, and not to say that you aren’t in other scenarios with other members, but i just see hoshi being firm about still being in your life. in fact, he’s one of the few guys that i think is secretly hopeful that one day down the road you’ll end up together. he doesn’t ever voice these feelings to anyone; he knows it’s ridiculous to feel this way about someone who’s already taken, and he feels that if he voices it to someone that he’s going to get bad karma, LMAO. should you ever become single again though is a different story though….

mingyu: for some reason have this vibe that being in this situation would literally destroy him and eat him alive…i just feel like he’s someone who truly loves really, really hard, and adding in the fact that you’re his best friend magnifies the pain by hundreds. what do you fucking do when the person you love most in this world doesn’t return your feelings? he would be really torn up about this because on one hand, he’s never felt this way about someone before, and he wants nothing more than to be with you; but what he wants more than that is for you to be happy, and if that isn’t with him, he has to accept that. sadly, i feel like at some point this would be too much for him,,,like to the point where he keeps his distance from you a bit. he feels awful, but it’s just too hard for him to hear about you and your partner and act like nothing’s wrong when you’re around :(

✩‧₊˚avoidant

woozi: i feel like he might be a little hot and cold about it. he is Not happy in this situation, and it frustrates him that he cant really do anything about it except deal. he doesn't really like talking about your s/o and he tries his best to hide it, but you can kinda tell that there's something wrong. but when you ask him about it, he says he's totally fine! i don't think woozi would dare to ever let his feelings for you come to light, and as unhappy as it makes him to not be honest with you, he just doesn't feel comfortable with telling someone he has feelings for them when said person is in a relationship. as little of a fan he is of your s/o, woozi knows that if he was in their shoes, he wouldn't be happy if someone confessed to you while the two of you were dating. i think he would need some distance to get over you, and i think the only way that it would happen is by throwing himself into his work and begrudgingly spending a LOT of his time with hoshi LMAO!!

minghao: would distance himself by making a bunch of life changes to keep him busy so he can eventually get over you. minghao values you too much, so he figures the best solution is to take time to himself so he can get over you in a healthy way with space from you. he isn’t happy about seeing you less, but he knows that it’s what needs to be done in order for him to heal from this situation. would definitely have a vague excuse ready if you ever asked him why he was distant from you; i cannot see any universe where minghao would ever admit he used to have feelings for you, even if it had been years past. he’s keeping this one in the vault LMAO, not even jun knows!!

wonwoo: bruh…..he’s. he’s in pain. but he’s keeping it all inside. i think he’d feel really selfish for harboring these feelings toward you while you’re dating someone else. your partner was perfectly friendly to wonwoo,,,like it makes him feel WORSE that he’s in love with you. he tries to forget his feelings, even getting into relationships once in a while, but everything always comes back to you. i feel like this is a secret he’s told absolutely NO ONE at all because of how much it weighs on his heart. the only soul who does know to some extent is mingyu, because he caught wonwoo crying one day when he came home early from work. wonwoo didn’t really get into the details, but he did admit that it he had unrequited feelings for someone. mingyu didn’t pry, and he still never has. 

jeonghan: there is Pain behind his eyes lol but he is keeping this secret in the Vault fr. Maybe, M a y b e s.coups MIGHT know, but that’s about it. jeonghan is one of the only people i can imagine is completely normal around you and no one can tell that there’s anything wrong. the only reason that seungcheol knows anything is because he knows jeonghan the best, and he could tell by the way that he hung onto your every word that he had feelings for you. but yeah, i think jeonghan would have the easiest time living with this secret from you. sometimes he does feel a little guilty, and honestly sometimes he does flirt with you lightly, but nothing to arouse any serious suspicion. mostly he’ll just say he likes your outfit or something when you’re hanging out, which is harmless in his mind. it does bother him that the person he’s in love with is dating someone else, but i think jeonghan would just be like “what else can i do at this point??” and continue with his life. not much changes between the two of you, besides jeonghan being a little more quiet when the topic of your relationship or partner comes up, but it’s not something you notice anyway. and such is life, whether jeonghan is truly okay with it or not.

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

WIBTA for commenting on a coworker’s appearance? ✨✨✨ I think this is lighthearted but I genuinely need a second opinion here. So I (20s, F) have been working with this guy (20s, M) for about a year. During this time I have acted in a sort of supervisor capacity but we both have the same boss so I don’t have any true authority here. I run the project and he’s on the project type thing.

During this time we have become pretty good friends: we talk and joke a lot at and outside of work, and have also talked about more personal stuff (bonding over anxiety disorders, etc.) Overall, he’s incredibly kind, smart, and competent and I really like him as a person. There’s just one problem: he’s the most beautiful man I’ve ever seen and it’s been messing me up.

Some more context: I am aroace and have a longterm partner who I love and am devoted to. I have absolutely no romantic interest in this coworker (he also has a longterm gf). But I cannot get over how attractive he is, and it’s been a year and it’s still distracting. I should maybe reiterate that I have literally never been so starstruck by a person before, it’s a bit unsettling.

Anyway I have been feeling compelled to say something about it to him - and if I did I'd probably I’d wait for the right context so it doesn’t sound super random. But I really don’t want to make him uncomfortable: he’s pretty quiet and humble and he might not know what to do with the information.

Reasons I may be TA: I am two years older than him, and (as aforementioned) have been in a sort of position of authority with respect to the project we’re working on, so there may be some perceived power dynamics at play. Also I try not to comment (in a positive or negative way) about things people can’t control. Also there isn’t really any POINT in telling someone they’re incredibly beautiful, so I may be setting up an uncomfortable situation for no reason.

Reasons I might not be: we ARE properly friends and in some contexts I would definitely feel comfortable telling my friends that they’re beautiful. Also, I have heard that men very rarely get genuine compliments and (in my experience) that kind of thing can stick with you and help you through times of low self-esteem etc.

I’m having a hard time looking at this objectively, so please help me out: WIBTA in this situation?

[damnfandomproblems]

Fandom Problem #4680:

Outrage over shipping (or lewding) canonically aromantic and / or asexual characters.

I definitely understand the frustration of people just refusing to recognize or acknowledge their identity, since there's so few of them already. But i also see a lot of inflexibility in NOW aro / ace people are viewed or expected to behave. (Mostly either naiive and childishly innocent, awkward quirky teens, or cold robotic and unfeeling). And being aroace myself I rarely see any that actually resonate or feel compelling. Not to say those can't exist ever or that aspec people who ARE happy with them are "wrong" in any way, but I wish the perception what or how an aro / ace person can be wasn't so limited (and honestly---boring).

More of my characters than not are SOME flavor of aspec and all of them have very, very different ways of experiencing it. (And it's not all just "for the representation!!" they just feel natural to the characters and a lot of them are experiences I personally relate to) This includes:

a clout-obsessed social climber who uses relationships as a way of getting what she wants and to boost her ego, and nothing more

someone who's obsessed with the IDEA of romance and really really WANTS to fall in love with someone but it just never happens

someone completely repulsed with sex and romance althogether

an asexual person who wants to try it just to know what it's like but that's all

a sex worker for whom sex is quite literally just "showing up to work" for her, not awful or traumatic or anything, mostly just kinda boring

an aroace person who is so codependant with someone (who's allo) that they basically just form a relationship (along with all the things that usually go with it that the ace person doesn't mind going along with for their sake) I guess what people may call a QPR but that's not a term I personally like to use or find any use for it's okay for others though

someone who's still figuring themself out who hasn't really landed on any specific labels but also isn't really stressing on it that much

someone who takes longer to realize they're aro because for so long what they assumed were romantic feelings was really just feeling flattered, so thought they were "in love with" anyone who was nice to them

aliens whose anatomy includes no sex organs

And sometimes, characters are hot. And characters that are hot get shipped with other hot characters, often with no rhyme or reason other than "hot". Regardless of their canon sexualities. It kinda just comes with the territory of fandom.

(And again I'm really really tired of people using us a a shield to hide their ship hate and sex negativity. Seriously, don't.)

[moonshynecybin]

I remember many years ago, someone (and for the life of me I cannot remember who, but I think it was a commentator) called Vale "the man with the golden mask", basically saying that the Vale we see on TV and in interviews is only the person he wants us to see and that only a few people know the real Vale, and for me this has always explained why he is the way he is with Marc and why it went way from the ranch.

Unlike with people like Biaggi, Stoner, Jlo etc, he clearly genuinely liked Marc (I think possibly because Marc reminded him of himself lol but that's a whole different topic) and I always got the impression he let Marc see a bit of the real Vale behind the mask bc he trusted him, then when Marc rocked up at his ranch with his whole team, he saw it as Marc trying to outdo him and broke that trust. Vale then sees trusting Marc as a mistake, overanalyses everything Marc does on and off track from that point on (rightly or wrongly), sees a lot of it as Marc deliberately sabotaging him, even though it's just his usual demon behaviour, and then 2015 cements his view that he's made a huge mistake in ever trusting Marc with the real Vale. And that's why still now, even though he's had fights and crashes with a lot of other riders, he can't let 2015 go, not just because of the 10th, but because the others were just battles on track; Marc hurt him on a personal level and he blames Marc as much as himself for allowing that to happen. I think the "the mask" went back into place the day Marc left that ranch and has stayed very firmly there ever since, and had it not, maybe things would be different today. Or at least, that is how I've always seen it (sorry for the essay!)

i COMPLETELY agree.... ive already talked like. truly so much about how i think that marc bringing his mechanics to the ranch was seen as the first shot in their little war by vale... like marc transgressing on vale's territory and bringing the smoke to a fun friendly ranch day was spun in vale's brain as MARC being the one to throw the first stone here... like yeah vale has a pattern of icing people out once they become real rivals but i actually think he came into being competitive with marc still open to being friends (or at least thinking that lol) !! and then marc shows up at his house like remember i want to destroy you on track! :3 which for marc's insane brain (mechanics are my familyyy and what happens on track stays there) is fine ! but not for vale lol. and then there's insecurity and ego and marc being an annoying crazy person et cetera blah blah blah so it goes = divorce

i also think ummmm. literally every day about when marc had to introduce valentino to the audience in his documentary, and the first thing he said was "to me, valentino is SHOW." and then also literally immediately identified ranch day as definitively when vale started icing him out... like even if he was in denial during the 2015 season, i think in hindsight he is PAINFULLYYYY aware of exactly when that mask went back up AND when he was unceremoniously removed from the small circle of people who ever get to see vale without it. like there was a shift. and it hurts his feelings lol.

and youre so right! marc IS different than those other guys bc they had a really good relationship before... vale's ability to show the press only what he wants them to see is one of his most effective mechanisms of self protection. (SO effective that he apparently does it in his real life relationships, like with his dad)... if no one sees the real you, then you never have to be vulnerable. if youre never vulnerable, its a lot harder to get hurt. unfortunately for vale it also makes it a lot harder to build meaningful connections ! so i think when he let marc in and then was "betrayed" by him, it was a) a rare occurrence for him to get that close with another racer (academy boys are a lil different obvs. like he thought marc was his equal, which i think compelled him AND freaked him out) and b) deeply effecting when he felt like that trust got betrayed... so even though hes the aggressor in the sepang drama i think he felt pretty victimized at that point. which like yeah is delusional ! but is also just sometimes how emotions work. especially when you have trust ego and vulnerability issues lol

[wewebaggit]

i love how ur bio says safe space for hopper haters bc too many ppl in this fandom are always like “whaaaaat!? but how can u not like jopper 🥺” when he is not only a full grown man who abuses his power and was horrible to Joyce in s3 but also his character itself is literally copaganda

and it’s concerning and so weird (but also unsurprising) that jopper is like… elevated as this god tier ship, even in queer spaces, when in reality it’s pretty mid and also why would I want to ship Joyce byers with a cop

Hey booksandpaperss!

I am a safe space for ALL HATING. But specifically Jim Copper hate simply because he is shown a lot of undeserved grace by the fandom and the writers.

Since it's now in vogue to hate on s3 I'll take this opportunity to escape being called a negative nancy for once and just a hatering hater. Here goes:

My hate for Hopper is not as a result of season 3 but in fact it began with s2. (s1 a wee bit) But truly honestly deeply since season 2.

Hopper in season 2

After giving up Eleven's location in the prior season, Hopper then out of the goodness of his heart (😒) starts leaving Eggos for El in a reverse HansEl and GretEl. The feral El now has a home. But is it a home? Or just another prison? Hopper leaves her alone in the cabin with nothing but a TV. And so El spends her days mindlessly going through all the shit the idiot box has to offer. The only time she's actively interested in the TV is when she wants to use the static to get into the void. Because she has been kept away from the ONE friend she made out of the lab. And let's bffr. It's Mike. She is looking for Mike. And Mike too is the only one thinking about her. Hopper keeping her away from him and lying and being nothing but and angy aggressive cop of a dad is supposed to make the audience feel.....wait what are we supposed to feel? Mad at Hopper? Cuz the end result was people hating on El rebelling against Hopper. And it is all because El's resolution at the end of the Lost Sister episode was......that she needed to go back to Hopper and her friends. However, again it is a point in time when Hopper's at the lab and in mortal danger.

So since we love deep dives and shit and developing lore around characters, would she have been compelled to return to Hopper were he just, idk sitting in his cabin or at the station or whatever. A lot of ST is just about characters deciding to do stuff when someone is in REAL DANGER™️ But specifically with Hopper, he only steps up as dad when El's in danger. Otherwise he's treating her as a pet, something Mike was wrongfully accused of.

The whole entire (almost) year that El was with Hopper we do not see a change in her personality. Her rage has worsened. Her vocabulary is still lacking. In spite of the word of the days. There's no female presence in her life. He neither recruited Joyce nor her aunt (though that would have been sus, agreed n yet would it have been any different seeing as El managed to do it alone.) She's been held hostage for her own good.

Hopper: You put us in danger.

El: You promise. I go. I never leave. Nothing ever happens.

And then he grounds her. Like she was living it up otherwise. (S2E4)

We know it was because this was El's story of rebellion and trying to find her identity and so the story does not have Hopper do these things. But that still means that the story chose for Hopper to not do these things. He is even shown apologising (meh. half assed like his foil Mike, but that's for later) for it towards the end. And yet, that's something that's rarely discussed in fandom circles while talking about Hopper.

Hopper in Season 3

Oh he proves he's a blackhole alright. Sucked Joyce's character development. He's only marginally improved letting Mike see her but beyond that it's still mostly the same. She still is under-socialised. Speaks like that. El herself seeks out Max. Joyce is still too busy being ungrateful (I know not the intent, but the execution nonetheless) she's still not leaving the cabin much and has some curfew. Again which is, well why is it there? Cuz she's been coolly gallivanting with Max at the mall and everywhere else without a problem.

He's a proper asshole to Mike and a bully. Who tf threatens murder to a 13 year old kid? Like between having a chat and threatening homicide, he could come up with ZERO options. He needs emotional laxatives that aren't just anger and bullying.

Hopper in season 3 is an unfunny comic relief. A man baby. A bully who uses his cop privileges. Who treats the woman he supposedly likes like shit. He was so mad about Joyce not meeting up with him despite her telling him the reason. I mean mister you did that with Eleven too and just expected her to understand. The juvenile hUmOUr and the macho man action scenes where he's outwitting trained Russian mercenaries (lmao) is a step down from the basement he was already in. Him treating Alexei like shit when he was the only one who could have helped them. Make it make sense. (Anti-Russia/USSR pro USA copaganda and nothing else)

Also beyond all of this I simply hate Hopper for taking away valuable screentime from the kids that this show is supposedly about but hasn't really been that for some time now. He's a white male war veteran cop who's a Hawkins native and was a popular kid in school too. So he's not even an outsider in terms of being the new man in town, let alone the shit that really matters.

Hopper in Season 4

Not dead enough.

Jopper throughout the show

Mid chemistry. Joyce is already a semi-absent mother but becomes entirely absent after Hopper's message from Russia. She has ZERO clue of what her kids are going through in Cali and then has the fucking audacity to walk out on them without even letting them know that she might not return. She also leaves the only responsible person in that household with the charge as if she ever took it. She is now been relegated to being the comic relief which is neither comical and far from a relief and Hopper's girlfriend. Every season she has proven to be right on the money with her instincts and every season everyone including Hopper question her as if she's the dumb one. Hello. Do you guys clear up your memory after every season? It's annoying and one note. Hopper is a jealous manbaby all of s3 and a fucking liar. "i shOuldn't hAVe seNt yOu the LeTteR" Bitch u did. You wanted out. Dasvidaniya! El's college fund. But you'll only need it if you make it through school 🤷‍♀️. WHICH SHOULD HAVE BEEN HOMESCHOOL HELLO. Though I do commend the subversion of the found family trope where both the adults are pathetic parents. Do love one of the main couples being failparents! (is that a thing? or are they pioneers?)

[pagannatural]

HEY girl I am eagerly waiting for you to upload the next episode cuz you are one amazing observer i mean you really put meaning to every Goddamn scene It does feel like a show anymore Its more like a reality. I feel like supernatural is a reality maybe in another world. I've been watching spn for almost a year now and i am still not over it. I don't think I am ever gonna over it. Cuz everyday I find something new about spn. This is like a never ending saga. I really love spn, the J's played it so real it's not like they are playing the character the become the character.

Right?! I honestly can’t believe they cast actual soul mates to play the soul mate brothers, it’s unreal. I’ve never seen such chemistry in my life. Part of the appeal for me is that J2 are obsessed with each other and they bring that into the show so unabashedly, like Jensen saying he didn’t even have to pretend Jared was someone else in AHBL to feel the grief Dean would over Sam. They definitely infused the characters with their own relationship. I got so lost in that rabbit hole a month or so ago, watching their interviews and interactions and behind the scenes stuff. It’s one of those relationships you can just tell when they are together no one else exists, and I think it’s so compelling because honestly teenage girls are usually the only ones with access to that kind of bond and it’s rare to see between two adults—even adults who are married or siblings or best friends.

I notice something new every single time I watch! Do you know I literally missed the way that Sam was stretched out on the impala waiting for Dean in Bugs??

I am so happy to hear you’re enjoying my posts!! Thanks for this message. It really is like a neverending saga once you get started isn’t it. I’ve been here 3 months now but you know what they say, knowledge that lives in the body never leaves you. and fuck if wincest shipping isn’t a visceral experience.

[teaveetamer]

i read through a lot of your analyses and i still can't tell what some of your stances are, but i just wanted to know how much you agree with my own stances on edelgard and dimitri/3H.

3H is obviously not a well thought-out political treatise on the ramifications of war and different styles of political change. it just isn't. it ends far too quickly and is too simplistic to ever be anything similar.

what 3H is incredible at is character writing. this is why i simply don't understand why people "hate" edelgard OR dimitri. neither of these people are saints. they've both done horrific things. but they both portray trauma in such fascinating and complex ways that you rarely see in videogames. the parallels they have and the way they see the world are just so compelling to me that i actually avoid finishing CF/SS/AM because it always leaves me feeling so emotional afterward and sometimes i just want a nice comfort game.

that being said, i do take issue with the way dimitri's arc resolves. i think it's extremely unrealistic how he just "snapped out" of his intense mental problems. as someone who has also struggled with mental health, it's a very slow process and often it feels like one step forward, two steps back. i wish that they had left his recovery a lot more incomplete, or that the game had lasted longer so his recovery felt more organic.

this is why i prefer edelgard purely as a character because i think the way she represses her emotions completely and is slowly corrupted by her inability to trust or love herself is a story that makes a lot more sense to me.

I'm not sure in which respects my stances are unclear, but I'm always happy to clarify if you just ask! Keep in mind that this blog is like three years old at this point so if you go back far enough you'll probably find contradicting things, as my opinions have developed and changed over the years. So if that's the problem just assume the most recent stuff is the most accurate.

I will say that while 3H can have some very good character moments, I also think it's incredibly disappointing in a lot of ways. The plot, writing, and worldbuilding being so messy just doesn't give the characters a good foundation to stand on, so character moments often come across extremely hollow to me.

I could name countless examples but I think the most obvious one that everyone picks up on is Gronder Field. First, we're told that this is extremely sad and difficult for all of the characters involved, despite never or almost never seeing the students from different houses interact with each other at any point during the main story. If you don't recruit then it's entirely possible to go the entire Academy portion of the game without seeing a single cross-house interaction beyond the house leaders.

They all point to the feast they had after the battle of Eagle and Lion in the Academy part, but that happens entirely off screen. It's not even really described beyond "it was fun" and "we were all sitting together". Emblem Claude in Engage gives a better idea of what happened there than 3H ever does. A piece of DLC for a completely different game in the series describes what is supposed to be a key interaction better than the game it was actually from!

And then you actually get there and it's contrived AF. There's literally no reason for the BL and GD to be fighting each other at any point but they all kill each other anyway. There's no fog of war. Characters will even recognize each other before they fight and then continue fighting each other anyways despite having absolutely no reason to?

And then it just ends and we're all told to feel very sad about it, but why should we? It's not earned. These characters don't know each other or care about each other, most of them weren't even on opposite sides. It comes across as feeling dumb and unearned, which makes the characters reacting to it completely 100% straight as if it were this huge but unavoidable tragedy come off as confusing and overwrought.

Edelgard's writing as an entire other can of worms that I've gotten into too many times to count, so I'll try to keep this short.

I'll preface this by saying I don't have a problem with people liking or relating to Edelgard in any way. Also, just because something has problems doesn't mean you can't have found meaning in it. I can tell you really enjoy the character anon, and that's great! I wouldn't want to take that away from you.

Buuuuuut since I'm giving my opinion here... I don't agree with her being a well written depiction of trauma. I feel like, especially now, the fandom tends to engage with the Edelgard we all wanted instead of the one we actually got.

Again I'll use a specific example (well actually two) to illustrate my point.

It's hard to take her trauma seriously when it's immediately undercut by her doodling pictures of her crush, getting embarrassed about it, and getting teased. This happens twice. They do this twice! Once in the explore section immediately after Ladislava and Randolph literally die right in front of her, and once after you could have potentially killed Claude and she's talking about being locked in a fucking dungeon!

Like it blows my mind that more people don't talk about this, especially the latter example. You have just potentially killed someone. She's sitting there. Talking about being locked in a dungeon, tortured, and experimented on. And then your character's reaction is to tease her for doodling a picture of you. And they did this two times, so it's not like it was an accident!

So like how am I supposed to read this, exactly? Either the entire scene is bunk and you're not really meant to take the trauma portion seriously, it's all just a big joke, or... or you're supposed to find teasing someone going through a genuine trauma response endearing and enjoyable..? It's just. I've been looking at this scene and the numerous other Edelgard scenes like it and I just don't get there. I don't understand how to read this in a way that isn't incredibly belittling or sexist or SEVERELY undercutting what should be a serious character moment.

But people want it to be this serious, well-written character moment for her. I don't blame anyone for that, because that's what I would have wanted too! But it's just... it's so crazy disrespectful on every level, to treat a female character's trauma like it's a funny quirk or an opportunity to flirt/tease? I can damn well guarantee that no male character would be treated with that amount of disrespect, and we know that because Dimitri exists and at no point is his trauma ever played for a joke or undercut like this! It's not perfectly written, but it's written with respect to the subject and the character.

There's an absurd degree of sexism baked into the writing of 3H that just doesn't get addressed by the fandom at large, so I kind of find it frustrating.

And worse, sometimes when you try to engage with that and critique it you're shouted down or treated as if you are the problem, like I somehow spoke the sexism of the game into existence just by pointing it out.

I could go on but I'll cut myself off here

[jeanharlowseyebrows]

twenty questions for fic writers

tagged by @raylangivins, thank you!!! i've never done one of these and it was fun to think about.

How many works do you have on ao3? so i've actually had like. a lot of ao3 accounts. some of which are still around and some that i have sent on to greener pastures. my 1d fic is #gone but not forgotten <3. for simplicity's sake i'm just going to do my current ao3 account even though all of the works on it are very Indie and Niche and therefore not super widely read. all that being said: 9.

What’s your total ao3 word count? 38,034

What fandoms do you write for? i'm not really like a super single fandom driven writer, if that makes sense. i don't tend to write and write and write continuously for the same fandom. like traditionally i will have one (1) idea per fandom and once it happens then it's done. i've written more yellowjackets fic than any other fandom, but i think that's because there are so many characters and i can muster one fucked up little scenario for each of them. also there are far more fandoms represented in my google docs than what i've published on ao3.

What are your top 5 fics by kudos? well. taking into consideration that i don’t really have many kudos on any of my stories (again. niche. indie.), these are the top 5:

something holy (the borgias) soft as cotton, tender as kiss (the haunting of hill house) at every mouth his teeth a sinner champ’d (yellowjackets) princess diana (yellowjackets) the scaffolding of the human body (yellowjackets)

Do you respond to comments? Why or why not? i always try to! for one, i don't really get that many, so it's easy to reply, and i do really like talking about writing and hearing what people liked, what they didn't like, etc. one of my favorite things to do as a reader is to leave long as shit wordy ass comments on stories i've really enjoyed and i really enjoy when people do that for my stories too. it's just cool to hear what stood out to someone, what they really enjoyed, what they felt. it's rewarding to get feedback and i don't want someone to feel like they've left me a comment and i've ignored them.

What is a fic you wrote with the angstiest ending? ummmmmmm i would say most of them lean towards angsty/bittersweet? love with claws and teeth (yellowjackets) is probably the most angsty lol sorry taissa turner </3

What’s the fic you wrote with the happiest ending? again none of them are really… like… overjoyed. one might be tricked by something holy but in my mind, what lurks around the corner for them is Not Good and therefore the ending is not necessarily NOT happy but that's only because they haven't gotten to the unhappiness yet.

Do you get hate on fics? i haven’t yet but it would certainly be intriguing interesting and compelling if i did.

Do you write smut? rarely. like i try but it’s not my strong suit so i don't do it very often. also i wouldn't say the majority of my fic like. needs it? i'm not typically writing the kind of fic where one might expect explicit sex.

Do you write crossovers? What’s the craziest one you’ve written? i write crossovers in my mind and nowhere else. actually i did publish a crossover as a kid on ff dot net and it was stand by me/the outsiders and i specifically remember a scene taking place in a junkyard and people jumping off the tops of junked cars. so obviously it was very normal and good.

Have you ever had a fic stolen? i don’t think so but who knows. the internet is a vast place.

Have you ever had a fic translated? i don’t think so! but it would be fun if i did!

Have you ever co-written a fic before? not really, i don't think i would be very good at it. i am far too attached to the sound of my own voice and also i'm bossy and particular

What’s your all-time favorite ship? this is just too difficult of a question. i've read sooooooooo many ships across soooooooooo many fandoms. like i'll literally read anything i'm not picky. probably my most frequently read ships are like the big standards - deancas, stevebucky, etc. - but that's just because they're very available.

What’s a wip you want to finish but doubt you ever will? realistically most of them. i finish maaaaaaaaybe 10% of the things I start.

What are your writing strengths? i really enjoy my own close third person narration lmao. also i think i’m good at like taking little details and creating a scene. otherwise known as imagery (#writing)

What are your writing weaknesses? cannot for the life of me come up with a plot ever

Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language for a fic? it's not something that's necessarily come up for me but if i did it, i would want to know someone who spoke whatever language it was who could help me make it seem very natural and well-placed. i would be extremely reluctant to try like a google translate type thing.

First fandom you wrote for? 1986 classic stand by me, which i just went to my old fanfic dot net account to double check. published in 2006 lmfao

Favorite fic you’ve written? i don’t know if it’s my favorite but i think devotional was kind of a departure for me and maybe stands out for that reason. i still really like the writing style. it’s more sparse than i usually tend towards and also written in present tense, which isn't usual for me. i just think it’s kind of evocative and lyrical and nice and it'd be fun if more people read it lmao

tagging @elliecreed @haniawritesthings @chasingfictions @r-osehips

[xxmoonch1ldxx]

I'm so grateful for this community, for the amount of nice people there are here and how accepting everyone is, but I've got to say, there's one thing I'm most grateful of.

This is just a long emotional rant so skip this if you wish, but I need to let it out my chest.

I've been going through a bad depressive episode; so much so that I even started taking meds for it. It started getting a little better, the meds were finally working a little and that's when I encountered Smosh.

I didn't imagine I'd ever fall this deep. I've had hypergixations before, dozens, but never in this way, and I didn't imagine it'd be about them. It was a complete accident, me stumbling on the we bought smosh video and just being curious.

Not for the first time, this new hyperfixations on two grown men with an adorable friendship made me want to write because everything is gay and that's because I decided so. Therefore, as I often do, I started writing a little on this new hyperfixation. Usually, I just end up giving up or writing a few fics before going back to my two other main fandoms (monsta x and bts, for those wondering). However, I decided that I needed help and a better opinion; I scrolled through the ianthony tag and fell on @lilac-hecox 's blog. She wasn't the first one I saw, but the one I felt compelled to write to, so I did. And I assumed she'd either blow me off or we'd just end up talking a bit before never talking again as this usually happens.

I wasn't ready to meet someone so fantastic and someone who I would very quickly deeply care about. I'm someone who hates texting consistently, who ends up panicking after a few days of thinking I got this and am socially capable because my social anxiety takes the reign. And yet, we started talking every day, of wayyyy more than just fics. And I found in her the kindest of soul, the most loving and funniest one. Someone who's not only amazing, but also, loves just like I do. And I don't mean romantically, I have a bf for that, but I mean someone who isn't afraid to be open and vulnerable if it means I also get to be with her. I'm someone like Ian usually, someone who looks anthipathic and who is a bit more stoic than most people, but with her, it's different. I laugh all the time and she's someone who literally heard me cry and comforted me while I did so. Which is a fucking miracle because I very rarely cry and hate showing the most vulnerable parts of me.

But she's always there, everyday, to make me laugh and talk. She's one of the kindest, most generous person I've ever met. She sent me a fucking box full of little things and American chocolate (I'm canadian) because I've said once I wanted to try. She bought us matching bracelets, one that I wear all the time and never take off. Hell, I'm getting a tattoo referencing her in two weeks.

And this is kinda crazy because we only started talking in August, but this feels right. I feel like I've known her all my life. And really, I say this in the most platonic of ways, but she truly is like my soulmate. She's one of the most talented writer I've ever met, too, and she helped me through that healing phase of mine. I've started writing a lot and posting, too, which I had stopped doing when I started being too depressed. She makes me believe that life is worth living and that there are genuinely good people around, still. She's not only kind to me but to others, too! Just in general, to everyone she knows, she's present and just so implicated in everything. She changed many people's life for the better with her job, too, without going into details, but that's amazing. She's the kind of person I wanna grow up to be when I'm at her age and she just aspires me to get better every day.

So I guess, all that to say, thank you to Smosh for allowing me to meet this gorgeous girl and establishing the ground of our friendship. Lilac is truly one of my best friends and someone who makes me feel alive in the best ways; I see her when the skies are orange, when I see kids playing in the street and having fun and in the stray cats wandering among my neighbourhood. I love you, dude, and I'm just so glad we met. Thank you for existing, really, because you make my life and a lot of others' better by simply being there and being your sunny self.

You're the Ian to my Anthony and the sun to my moon. I love you so much, pookie, and I'll never let you go. Promise one day we'll meet up for real <3

[thorne1435]

I think HAVE A NICE DAY is moreso a comment on the Japanese Otaku/Weeb culture than a cheery corporate dystopia. The core issue is similar, keeping up that ever happy-go-lucky exterior without acknowledging how unfulfilling that life is. That's why the backdrop of the music video is Akihabara, the pinnacle of the pastel faux happiness in otaku.

The suit & tie combo and the robotic dancing is I think more of the group's brand and the lead is an ex-wrestler turned independent politician. You should read up on him, he seems like a decent fella (Genki Sudo)

IDK dude. I've heard a ton of songs from weeb-shit friends I've had over the years who say this random japanese song they showed me is about "Otaku Culture is Toxic and Bad" and this doesn't look or sound like any of them.

This is written in a corporate style. I mean that literally. This music could play in a commercial. I know that because there's no tension in the chord progression and it uses that same over-polished instrumentation that corporate music is known for. I would recognize that style anywhere, instantly, because it elicits an immediate reaction of disgust from me. It shuts my brain off immediately because I expect to be advertised to as soon as I hear it. It is the theme of propaganda, and the death of the soul. So, feeling all of those things and then watching a music video for the source of that disgust that seems to be ridiculing the progenitor of the style is...

I don't even know how to describe it. It's a brilliant subversion of my expectations. It's so antithetical to human emotion but it knows what it is and it hates itself, and I'd never know it if I hadn't absorbed the whole artwork. I WOULDN'T HAVE KNOWN IF I HADN'T CONSUMED THE WHOLE PRODUCT! That's topical and high-concept!

So yeah, I find the more international, anticapitalist interpretation to be more compelling than a hyper-localized, anti-"Otaku Culture" interpretation. </gen> Especially given how reactionary and shitty Japanese politics is, last I heard. I'm no political scientist or world historian or anything, and America is pretty bad too, absolutely. But, uh...Japan is...pretty yikes. Has been for a while. Like a long, long while. Particularly when it comes to issues that corporations benefit from. They have a really bad work culture in Japan and that could absolutely contribute to someone writing a song about how fucking awful our lives are under capitalism. They just did it in a really artsy way that could, hilariously, end up in a commercial with no tonal dissonance. And even that is part of the point to me: you can't resist capitalism because capitalism commodifies resistance.

And saying that sentence in this context opens up a whole new can of worms about what they might be trying to say about the fall of anticapitalist art, as it's slowly absorbed into the misery-machine of the market and...I'm not gonna get into that right now.

It could always be both, I suppose. Art is expansive, interpretations are very rarely "wrong". But I don't think that the writing style contributes very well to your interpretation.

Anyway, it was a good song and all, but I'm never gonna listen to it again because I fucking despise that style.

[yandereforme]

Yan! Magic! DDLC

Heritage

You are a descendent of what’s called an Eros chimera, a species compatible with every species and is exceedingly rare. You are MC’s cousin, who has moved in with your aunt and uncle and cousin due to your parents being on a trip. No one is aware of the heritage(it’s on your mom’s side, and MC is related to your dad)

Sayori’s grandmother was half pixie. Sayori’s pixie blood is stronger that her parent’s especially since her father’s side is also distantly pixie.

Yuri’s grandmother was a mermaid, while her father is a vampire. Since we never get anything on her parents, I’m going with her being adopted when she was younger by a couple who couldn’t have kids.

Natsuki’s mother was a selkie and though her father hates all supernatural creatures, her great grandfather married a dragon shifter, making both of them part dragon, though the combination makes her blood stronger.

Monika grew up in her mothers coven. She is a witch and immediately clocked that her club mates weren’t entirely human, and were unaware of it. She is also part werewolf, since her grandfather on her dad’s side was one. She only lives with her mom, but knows about the werewolf situation due to a heritage potion.

Background information

MC was a part of the club last year, but left. None of them aside from Sayori liked him very much, but they all bonded with each other and consider each other family.

How their heritage affects their yandere tendencies

Sayori’s pixie blood makes her extremely connected to people. Friendships to her are extremely important, which makes MC’s constant rejection of her all the more devastating. Your affection at a moment of heartbreak? Makes her fall for you even more. (If we are following this, the rejection makes her depression much worse more rapidly, like in game)

She will play lots of games with you and follow you everywhere. Aside from that, not much changes. She still cares a lot about you, and just want you to be happy. Another thing neither of you know? Pixie’s take promises very literally, their magic treating any promise as an oath. You promising her that she will always be your friend? She will never forget it.

Yuri’s heritage just adds to her possessiveness. Both sides of her heritage hate sharing, and she is itching to claim you as hers. Bleeding in front of her? She will need to excuse herself before she does something she’ll regret(either jumping you or killing someone)

Since she has no idea about her heritage, she won’t know why everything is getting worse. She will want you to be dripping in pearls and blood. Lord help you if you are someone who gets into a lot of fights. Seeing you covered in blood makes her go crazy. She will have to get out of there fast, before she looses it.

Natsuki doesn’t have a pelt like selkies do, but if you ever hand her anything of hers, she’ll feel compelled to shower you in affection, and will want you happy. I see her as a more laid back yandere, she is very protective but not as possessive.

However, your heritage combined with her distant dragon blood will make her more aggressive over anyone who she views as a threat to you. She will also love seeing you in jewelry, and she doesn’t know why, but seeing you reading her manga or eating her food makes her go wild( her ‘horde’ is mostly comprised of her manga collection , though her club mates also register, which is why she won’t be as possessive when it comes to them. The food part is her urge to provide for you from her dragon heritage)

Monika will clock your heritage in a second. However, this doesn’t mean she won’t be as affected. In fact, she will be more, due to her heritage, since witches are attracted to the strong soft magic, and her wolf side will only encourage her. Still, she will maintain that she is the only one who truly loves you, since she believes she isn’t affected by your heritage.

Monika is definitely the most manipulative of the Yanderes, but that’s not saying much. She can manipulate her club mates easily, especially with magic, but her wolves side sees them as pack, so she has a harder time intentionally hurting them. That doesn’t mean she won’t be possessive, but she won’t want to sabotage her club mates lives terribly. Though you still will be her number one priority, and if it comes down to it, she will kill her club in order for you to love her.

None of them will really want to hurt each other, even as yanderes.( Sayori doesn’t like hurting other period, and the others have heritage that makes it hard to hurt their family, which the club members count as)

People outside of the club? That’s a different matter…

[gingerfan24]

Johnathan visited Sarah’s grave still, even now nearly a century after her passing. In all his long centuries upon this Earth, he had never met anyone who could make the world brighter by her mere presence alone quite like she could, and he hadn’t met anyone like that since.

Certainly it wasn’t that he hadn’t moved on, at least that was what he told himself. He’d had other partners, friends and acquaintances since. But something still drew him back here, each year, to Sarah’s grave. Something still compelled him to leave flowers and other grave goods, and to stand for sometimes hours at a time, talking to seemingly thin air about life and reminiscing about old times.

Today though, as Johnathan awoke, something felt off.

The feeling lingered all morning as he brushed his teeth and prepared breakfast. It did not abate as he went to work at the little bookshop that he owned and operated on his own, nor did it fade as he closed down for the evening. If anything it only intensified as his gaze followed the direction of the cemetery again, the cemetery where Sarah was buried.

Like a bird on their migration path, Johnathan automatically began to walk towards it. There was next to no conscious movement at all he noticed, like something or someone was quite literally compelling him to walk there.

A few minutes later, he arrived to notice a great feeling of disturbance among the invisible nature spirits that guarded the cemetery. His long life experience with the supernatural told him that something was amiss, a new spirit walked among them.

He immediately approached Sarah’s grave, the flowers that he had left behind two days ago were still there and still in soft bloom. What the hell was going on then? The ground here was not disturbed in any way, nor did there appear to have been any fresh burials, yet he felt the source of the disturbance was here. So what gave?

In answer, Johnathan began to notice a mist forming around him, colder than the air around it and moving with a sort of intelligence about it. Then the mist began to coalesce behind the gravestone in front of him into a vaguely human shape. Then…..

“S-Sarah?” He gazed in shock at the figure of the woman before him. She appeared as solid as she had in life, the only thing somewhat off about her would have been an unnatural glow to her already bright green eyes. She smiled at him that bright smile that had once been his greatest source of joy. “The one and only.” The specter replied with a hint of mischief.

“But….why? Why now?” Johnathan asked, befuddled. Sarah was far from the only ghost he had met in his life but just seeing…..her there, before him, just like old times; it was jarring.

“You know, for an immortal I thought you would’ve gotten better at moving on with life.” The ghost expressed. “But in the decades since I left, I’ve been watching you. I swear you come here every weekend. Not that I’m opposed to your company, but I sense great sadness about you each time, as if something inside you never quite let go.” Sarah took a seat on her gravestone and invited him to do the same on a neighboring one, which he complied.

“Tonight, with the veil between the living and the dead as thin as it is, I get a rare opportunity to speak with you, and I have to say, ever since I died? I have been freest I have ever been. I’ve been a guardian angel, I have traveled the world, I have seen every kind of beauty, evil and ugliness you can imagine and then some. I have made new friends and I have met and spoke with the greatest minds to have ever lived. The adventures and the joys I get to experience are beyond the scope of what most of the living get to experience in their short lives.”

Johnathan listened to everything Sarah was telling him with great interest. It wasn’t often he got to sit down with someone who had passed long enough to hear about what they experienced on the Other Side. It made him feel less melancholy about death, and was an excellent reminder that death itself was nothing sinister, only a new beginning. He couldn’t help but smile and imagine the adventures she’d had, just as he was sure she once had imagined. “That all sounds amazing. It’s a pity really that I still have a long way to go before I get to experience that side of existence.” He laughed sadly and felt a tear fall down the side of his face.

Sarah noticed and softly brushed it away. “Oh I know dear heart. One day we will experience it all together. But for now, I expect you to move on, to find new friends and loves elsewhere. Try to find as many new experiences as you can.”

Sarah’s visage began to fade as her time in the material world came to an end. “Remember me darling, but do not linger in the past! Enjoy the eons to come, both in this life and the next!”

And with this last message, Sarah was gone once more.

You are immortal one of your closest friends died years ago every year you visit their grave but today you find their grave empty and your friend has become a undead entity

[asianguygonewild]

Why do I love you?

I love you because of your heart. How pure & kind it is. How you’ve been through so much but still keep it open to love those deserving of it. I love how considerate you are. You always think “how is she going to feel/react, what is she going to think if I say/do this?” You are the most thoughtful person I know. I mention something to you once & you never forget it. I tell you something I don’t like & you always keep it in the forefront of your mind when interacting with me so as never to trigger, upset or hurt me. I tell you something I do like & you do your absolute best in doing what that is, just to make me happy. I love how open you are in loving me. The way you want people to know what I mean to you. How little you care about judgement in showing your love & affection for me. I love how deeply, passionately, & intensely you love. The fact that YOU want to shower me with love & affection is something I love so much about you. I think it speaks to the softness of your heart & I truly admire that about you.

I admire a lot of things about you. Superficially, I admire your face. Your body. Your smile. Your expressive & soulful eyes. I admire the build of your body. I love it at every stage I have seen it at & every stage it will go through for the rest of our lives. You are the most handsome man in the entire world & I have never been so hot for someone. I am so unbelievably attracted to you. & I know I say it all the time but we would have the CUTEST babies. & one day we will. 🙂

I admire your ambition in life, your self discipline, your commitment, your drive, the way you set your goals & reach them impresses me endlessly. I admire your intellect. I admire the way your brain is a literal sponge for information & I admire your desire to seek it. Your open-mindedness is so attractive to me. The way you look at things from different perspectives & consider things through a different lens than your own. The humility I know you have, to accept if you’re wrong about something & learn from that. You are one of the smartest people I know. & I am always learning something new from you, & better yet, about you.

I could never get tired of learning about you, & more than anything I’m honoured to be so close to you that I will witness your growth. An amazing person who always strives to better themselves in every arena. That’s who you are. You’re a person who wants to learn something, & sets out & does just that with the attitude that you can do it if you set your mind to it. Your positive attitude & refusal to settle for mediocrity or dwell in self defeat while remaining humble is a kind of balance I rarely ever see in others. You’re the kind of person I’m proud & grateful to walk beside. Who inspires me to also work towards being the best version of myself, for my own happiness & growth but so that you can be proud to walk beside me too.

& though this isn’t about me, it would be unjust to speak of all the beautiful things about you, & not talk about how it feels to be loved by you.

Your emotional intelligence & empathy knows no bounds. The way you cater to my every want & need is something that I am still trying to get used to. I know you’re not a perfect person. No one is. But at the peak of my resentment of romantic feelings & love, you love me in a way that opens me up & compels me to let down my defences & accept the love, affection & adoration you have for me. You’ve told me more than once “you’ll never have to be alone in dealing with your emotions again” & every single time I’ve needed you, even when it means sacrificing your sleep, you are there for me, holding my hand in my worst moments, understanding that I am separate from my mental illness but still handling me & it with the most tender & loving care. Ever since I can remember I have been convinced that I am hard to love, yet, you tell & show me that loving me is easy. I have never felt devotion anything close to the devotion you have for me. Every single day you remind me I am the prettiest girl in the world, your special girl, your baby girl, your princess, your love, your one & only, your soulmate & your baby. You keep me in my feminine & it heals me, & I want nothing more than to honour & cherish you in your masculine in hopes of helping you heal too. You are the kind of person who not only roots for my success, but would be happy if I even succeeded you. You never let me forget you are my #1 fan. My biggest supporter. The love of your life just as you are mine. You take care of me in a way that feeds a part of my soul I never realised was hungry to be loved the way you love me. I cannot state enough how taken care of I feel by you. How seen & understood I feel by you. The way that you love all parts of me, the good & the bad, the happy & the hurt, I can never express to you the depth of gratitude I have for you. I want nothing more than to spend the rest of my life showing you just that.

Now this is kind of a cheesy Twilight quote, but there really are no other words I have to say this - I am unconditionally & irrevocably in love with you. You are my soulmate. I was a lock that was fine with never finding my key & even preferred it, until you came along. & even then you took your time with me. You went at my pace. You respected every single time I got scared & pulled away, & patiently waited until I felt safe again, remaining there with open arms for me. 3 years I spent with my heart locked up never finding anyone truly worthy of the love I hid deeply inside. Then you came into my life, showing me what love truly is. How it should feel. Treating my heart like it’s made of glass. How could I not let you in? How could I remain cold towards you when you have had nothing but adoration, love & patience for me? When all you desire is to provide consistency, peace & happiness in my life? Jeff, my love. You are one of the most beautiful people I have ever come across. There is no one that could ever replace you. You are the one key to my lock. I’ll say it again, you’ll never know the depth of my gratitude for you. I am not putting you on a pedestal. I know you’re flawed just like I am. I just want you to know how much & I love you despite that & why. After all, this is a love letter to you.

I am uncertain about many things but never about this; my soul has loved you since time immemorial & will for eternity.

❤️ Your Anne.

This melts my heart reading it how did I get so lucky to have a woman like you so in love with me as I am with you. I will savor the warm embrace of your love and the future we will build together. I love you so much and will look forward to the growth we share in this path of life. I love you with all my heart my love 🥰

[hislittleraincloud]

... I'm so goddamn angry I could fucking

I am just so goddamn ANGRY.

But I'm usually not confrontational with this one. I probably should be, but yanno. Real life, we all gotta treat those in recovery with kid gloves because they're in recovery.

Except I know this one better than that. (Maybe it's my longtime experience with manipulators.) And I anticipated her next messages to the T, because I knew she was going to say what she said.

I can still keep working on Precious Things (the Miller's Girl fan fic)...its name could undergo a change, dunno yet, but it's coming along nicely. It's just a matter of a little bit of planning/logistics re sexytimes. The beginning and end are written! The middle is decent as well, but I've got the sex in a different file. As well as an epilogue that I dunno if I'll include yet...because it's kind of fucked up.

Anyway.

Yeah, my life. Poor me, I get to spend time with a cat. That's not the part that I...I just hate this crap of never knowing when she's ever going to message me/tell me shit. I hate it. I just wanna be left alone. But I don't want my bud upstairs to be left alone either. He's still the cat I raised from a kitten...and I feel so terrible that his mother is the biggest flake in the world who said she was going to message me YESTERDAY MORNING about what was going on and never did.

If my apartment was decent, I would just take the cat permanently. But it's not, and I already have the numeric limit for the city (we're only legally allowed up to three pets like this).

I've been cursing ever since I got her next messages, which I had predicted she was going to say. Not ready to come home...not ready to deal with the things in her apartment. Which is...fine, but there comes a time in someone's life where they have to face that music of being alone (either physically or psychically) and just being there for the little ones (fur or otherwise) that need us, too.

I took this last night when I was telling him that I wasn't sure when or if I'd see him again (I suspect that his mom might want to move out of here, but that's not feasible for her...her rent for that place is controlled and about half the going rate for this area...~$1400 monthly or so is cheap, since the rate is around $2K monthly and she made some implications that moving out is an option she's considering, but that she doesn't want to move out of the city 🤦🏽‍♂️). He's a handsome boy, and has been cuddling with me more often lately (he was never a cuddler before). And he needs me to be the adult here, since some addicts are incapable of growing up.

That may sound harsh, cold, perhaps ignorant. But as someone who has been literally tortured throughout my life by shitty people and shitty circumstance, I've rarely felt the need to drown or drug my sorrows away. And when I have, I've never felt out so out of control of my actions that I was compelled to reach into my pocket for money I don't have to purchase shit to poison myself to escape reality. It's just foreign to my brain, but yes, I understand that brains are very, very different, especially the brains of the worst addicts. Childhood trauma really fucks some people up, it sucks, and it has a lasting effect. Consistent traumas on top of that...smh. It's just so fucking sad that a 50-something year old's brain has been reduced to the existential panic of child-like helplessness.

Afterburn is suffering for it, and that's what I despise the most. I have big plans, my biggest fans have been given previews of it (some may even know what happens between Wenovan in the next installment post-canon). Yeah, that sounds selfish. I don't care. I started writing again because I don't have anything left but my creativity, and I've only last year got it back after it was beaten into the neurological mist by some fucking asshole who thought I was gay by the way I was dressed.

I think I'll take one of those shitty, sub par ecstasy pills (that Rehab Mom gave me) before I go up there tonight. Not to escape, but fuck, why not. All of this is giving me ideas for another fan fic for a totally different show, so maybe that's my thin silver lining?

ETA: It's very possible (after she finally messaged me back) that she'll be there through the end of the month.

🫥

Just kill me already.

[labarch]

Witch Hats and Prejudice Part II

<-- Part I

Olruggio, my love, my man, I’m sorry your proposal to Qifrey in chapter 40 didn’t go as you hoped, let’s sit down and discuss your workaholism, temper issues and saviour complex, yes? Yes. It’s couple therapy time at last, we’ll have a look at Qifrey and Olruggio’s relationship and at chapter 40 in particular through the following points:

-Panelling in the Orufrey conversation in chapter 40

-Prejudice and power imbalance in Qifrey and Olruggio’s interactions

-Help as a collaboration between equals (spoiler: they haven’t made it to that stage yet)

-What Olruggio wants from Qifrey

 Panelling in the Orufrey conversation in chapter 40

The conversation in chapter 40 is never framed as a happy reunion. If we reuse the analysis of the panels from Coco and Qifrey’s conversation I made in my previous post, we find the same markers of unease between Olruggio and Qifrey. Most of the panels are narrow, and get darker and darker as night falls. Qifrey and Olruggio rarely share a panel, and even when they do, they rarely make direct eye contact: Qifrey looks down, or Olruggio walks away from him, or they are curled in on themselves or standing on a slope at different eye level. For a while Qifrey is up in the air and mostly talking to himself. Oh yeah, and there’s a hat that gets in the way at some point.

It gives the sense that they are having two separate conversations, and that they never truly achieve the connection that we saw between Qifrey and Coco. On top of that, while the conversation is supposed to be about comforting Qifrey and earning his trust, Olruggio never manages to get a smile out of him, except for wobbly, miserable little grimaces. So what’s going through both of their heads, and why are they failing to meet halfway?

The chapter has an outward pull to it. The scene takes place on a slope that leads away from the atelier. The chapter opens with a herd of dragons flying away and into the night. Then Qifrey takes flight to look into the distance, while giving a very contradictory speech about how fulfilling yet dull his life is here, how happy yet trapped in an illusion he feels. He has to hold on to his cape as it flaps in the wind. It brings those dragons back to mind, like they are a metaphor for the side of him that wishes to escape. Qifrey’s migration season is just starting folks, it’s a confusing time for him okay.

In contrast to Qifrey looking ahead into a dark wilderness, Olruggio in this chapter is almost always looking back. He walks away from Qifrey to talk to him over his shoulder, or he looks back towards the atelier. In the only scene where he faces Qifrey full-on, the past is so present on his mind that he de-ages them both. It’s interesting, because it adds a caveat to his pledge of listening to everything Qifrey has to say: he is not so much trying to adapt to Qifrey’s new situation as he is trying to bring them back to the childhood stage of their friendship, when they were always together and kept no secret.

This whole looking ahead / looking back dichotomy brings me back to the mentality of the Great Hall, a society obsessed with keeping itself in an insulated bubble, wrapping itself in good intentions and noble ideals, and ignoring its own inner darkness and complexity. Qifrey, because of his inability to be content and stay in place, threatens that delicate balance. That sends the other witches around him into such a state of panic and outrage that even those who genuinely love him end up lashing out at him with uncharacteristic brutality.

Prejudice and power imbalance in Qifrey and Olruggio’s interactions

I have described in my previous post how vicious and oddly personal Beldaruit got in his attacks against Qifrey in chapter 36, but you can make the same case for Olruggio, especially since the two scenes run in parallel. There is something excessive about the violence with which Olruggio confronts his friend. For one, he is choosing a hell of a time to do it: the girls are safe, there is no urgency to press Qifrey for answers right this instant – except if he is hoping to shock Qifrey into honesty while he’s disoriented. Qifrey has just woken up from a three-day coma; he is half-naked in a place Olruggio knows worsens his nightmares; his scar is exposed; he is half-blind because Olruggio has taken his glasses; Olruggio is literally an angry dark blob looming over him. I’ve often heard it say that Qifrey is manipulative towards Olruggio, but in return Olruggio isn’t above using intimidation tactics against him, consciously or not.

There is also the staggering lack of empathy of the approach: what started this whole thing is that Olruggio learnt about Qifrey’s impending blindness. And his knee-jerk reaction was to attack Qifrey about it. Like, um, my dude, your friend almost died, he is going to go blind and lose his job, you wanna try being sensitive about it? (Note that Qifrey running after the Brimhats didn’t trouble Olruggio that much at first: after his interview with the Knights Moralis he is mainly concerned with “getting his story straight with Qifrey”; it’s only later on, when we see him staring at the glasses he’s just repaired, that he starts voicing his doubts about Qifrey’s intentions). He may be right to suspect that Qifrey is hiding things from him, but there’s a pretty big leap between “you are keeping secrets” and “you are wilfully using your own child as bait”.

This whole suspicious climate, that makes Olruggio jump straight to the ugliest conclusion possible, is once again a feature of the Great Hall mentality. The mind of a person who has been in contact with forbidden magic is forever corrupt, and his actions are forever suspect. Had Qifrey been anyone else, he would probably have been given the benefit of the doubt for losing track of his students while he was, you know, extremely concussed and suffering from blood loss. Interestingly, Olruggio’s concern – whether, when faced with a chance to go after the Brimhats, Qifrey would choose his quest over his students’ safety – is addressed as early as chapter 22: after an instinctive movement to rush into danger, Qifrey pulls himself back and takes measures to keep Coco and Tetia safe, and even plans to call Olruggio and the Knights Moralis as reinforcements to help rescue the others. Then he gets hit in the head by a giant snake golem, and the rest is history.

In general, Beldaruit’s and Olruggio’s accusations that Qifrey is using Coco as bait without caring for her wellbeing just don’t hold up. First, all the attacks by the Brimhats so far have occurred in completely mundane, teaching-related settings with other adults present (at the stationary shop, or during an exam), so pushing blame onto Qifrey clearly comes from prejudice rather than evidence. Second, if Qifrey’s sole aim was to get clues on the Brimhats, he would pressure Coco into taking the Librarian test as early as possible, but we keep seeing the opposite: he encourages her to take breaks and to enjoy her training rather than be laser-focused on her goals. Hilariously, out of the two tests Coco passed so far, Qifrey gave his approval for none, thinking it was too early for her (extra-hilariously, Beldaruit is the one who speed-ran Coco through her second test). I’m just saying, if Olruggio hasn’t noticed any of this and can’t take it in consideration before bringing out the accusations and threats, maybe he’s not doing that good a job as a Watchful Eye.  

Another thing about this climate of suspicion, added to the power imbalance between Qifrey and Olruggio, is that it prevents them from having a healthy fight. Olruggio invokes his duties as Watchful Eye to berate Qifrey whenever he steps out of line, but when Olruggio lets his temper carry him too far and misuses his own power (when he drags Coco out to the Knights Moralis even though she had already been officially accepted as an apprentice in volume 2, or when he accuses Qifrey of using Coco as bait in volume 7 without proof), Qifrey never criticises him for doing so. It’s not that he is shy about speaking up to power – he is more than happy to yell at Beldaruit and Easthies when they mistreat his students. But when it comes to Olruggio, Qifrey is compelled to shoulder as much blame as he can, and seems almost afraid of saying anything negative to him.

It would have been justified for Qifrey to start chapter 40 by getting mad at Olruggio for his earlier accusations: Olruggio had been insensitive, unhelpful and completely out of line. But instead Qifrey pretty much encourages Olruggio to attack him again: from his “I thought you might be mad at me” to frantically denying that Olruggio might have ever done anything wrong. In return, there is something defensive in Olruggio’s delivery during the “I’m angry that I wasn’t someone you could trust” segment: he walks away from Qifrey as he gives the non-apology, and it comes out sandwiched between criticisms of Qifrey for being reckless and a long speech of Olruggio praising himself, and how everything would be alright if only Qifrey behaved himself and relied on him more. It’s an issue that this old distribution of roles is so well-entrenched between them, with Olruggio as the golden student and Qifrey as the eternal problem child.

Qifrey’s exaggerated gentleness and praise towards Olruggio participates in the feeling of wrongness that weighs on chapter 40. The memory erasure scene is framed like a kiss, and Qifrey keeps complimenting him even after sending him into an unnatural sleep. It would come across as condescending and manipulative, except for how fervently Qifrey seems to want to believe that Olruggio is perfect, and that any dysfunction in their relationship has to come from him.

Qifrey, focused as he is on his own dark secrets, is utterly unwilling to see any darkness in Olruggio. It makes sense when you consider that Qifrey has also been absorbing the prejudices of the Great Hall: he thinks very little of himself, and has probably been looking up to Olruggio as a moral compass ever since Olruggio took him under his wing as a child. He must also comfort himself with the thought that, when/if his quest drags him away from the atelier, Olruggio will be a perfect teacher for the girls. Having to come to terms with Olruggio’s flaws must be terrifying to him. But what about Olruggio’s perspective in all this?

Olruggio is an example of how even those who materially benefit from an elitist, close-minded society are damaged by it in some way. He grew up in the Great Hall as a bright-eyed, idealistic genius, and even as an adult he clings to the principles of that society like a mantra: “bring the blessings of magic to the people”. He is successful and respected by his peers, popular with the nobles and well-liked among the commoners. Yet somewhere along the way he became a ragged, workaholic hermit.

I have mentioned in previous posts that I suspect Olruggio of grappling with his own, deep-seated fear of being unwanted and left behind. He betrays that fear in the way he is attacking Qifrey: his concerns about Qifrey’s treatment of Coco aren’t based on evidence, and underneath that veneer he is mostly complaining that Qifrey is neglecting him. “Be straight with me”, “Don’t lie to me”, “You wouldn’t even tell me about it”, “You took her as a student without a word to me first”. There again, Olruggio is being a bit hazy on how far his influence goes as Watchful Eye: from what we know, Watchful Eyes are meant to ensure that students don’t get mistreated, but they don’t get a say in who teaches whom: it’s the disciples who choose their masters. Olruggio grumbling about Qifrey adopting more and more children behind his back is cute when we treat them as a couple. But from the perspective of their professional relationship, Olruggio is claiming the right to veto Qifrey’s students and take them away from him without any evidence of abuse.

The problem is that Olruggio is very bad at expressing his feelings without using his job, and therefore his authority, as a crutch. It’s endearing when he uses it to explain away his gifts to the girls (“I just want them to test a prototype”) or his marks of affection and care (“Drying your hair so you don’t catch a cold is part of my duties as Watchful Eye!”). However, it adds a layer of threat to his arguments with Qifrey, because he is constantly dangling that authority over his head, even when he is urging Qifrey to trust him. In his more agitated moments, it turns into a one-man good-cop / bad-cop performance (“Step out of line and I’ll report you” / “Why won’t you confide in me? I’m your best friend!”). Sure, he is willing to side with Qifrey against the Knights Moralis when he deems it appropriate, but here’s the catch: Olruggio gets to decide where the line in the sand lies, and that line seems to shift depending on how hot his temper is flaring at any given time.

It’s no wonder their conversation lends them in a dead-end when it is so one-sided. Thourghout the manga, and in volume 8 in particular, the author explores the idea that help should be a collaborative effort between equals, that encourages both parties to grow and learn more about themselves. Trying to unilaterally “save” someone is almost guaranteed to miss the mark and come across as condescending; it might even cause further harm.

Help as a collaboration between equals

Therefore, Qifrey and Olruggio can’t really come to any connection unless they make it clear that they are helping each other, not just endlessly acting out their roles as the golden student who knows all the right answers, and the problem child who must be saved from himself.

Aside from the framing, help as an equivalent exchange is the other key difference between chapter 40 and Qifrey and Coco’s dialogue earlier in the volume. In order to counter Coco’s doubts and growing self-hatred, Qifrey reinforces everything he admires about Coco: from her social skills and capacity for teamwork to her practical skills and her straight lines. He reminds her of all the things that she achieved so far. He also strongly hints that her fight is his fight, too, and that they should hold onto hope for each other’s sake. Finally, he makes a (pretty dramatic, unnecessarily literal and definitely unsafe, but still awesome) leap of faith by letting her decide what direction she wants to take next. His support isn’t conditional on Coco making the “right” choice, but freely offered. In return, Coco makes a display of saving Qifrey as well, saying she wants him right by her side while she figures out her path. The rescue itself is symbolic (it would actually have been safer for Qifrey to go back on his own), but Qifrey’s gratitude is genuine, because Coco made him feel valued, irreplaceable, just as Beldaruit and Olruggio were making him doubt his place as a teacher.

By contrast, Olruggio’s speech of friendship contains a grand total of ONE compliment, served in such a back-handed way that it sounds almost like a warning: “To Coco, you are a good teacher, so don’t betray that trust”. This is weighted against a slurry of criticisms about Qifrey’s recklessness, and heaps of self-praise. Olruggio is making a case for why Qifrey needs help and why Olruggio is best-qualified to deliver that help, like he is making a sales pitch to a client. It’s probably not a coincidence that Olruggio is remembering his successful bout of diplomacy in chapter 39 as he gears himself for his conversation with Qifrey. Olruggio, look, I get that you have more faith in your professional persona than in your regular self, but you can’t talk to your best friend like you are doing customer service, it just doesn’t work that way.

The help that Olruggio offers leaves no room for Qifrey’s input: once Qifrey has confided everything and laid himself bare, Olruggio will pick apart “where he needs the help” and “when he is about to do something stupid”, and either support or stop him as he judges appropriate. It reinforces Qifrey’s inferiority complex and interiorised guilt, by implying that his moral compass can’t be trusted. It also places the blame for Qifrey’s rash actions solely on his lack of judgement, rather than on having to grapple with complex, life-threatening situations and being caught in a pincer between a terrorist group and an oppressive system. There’s no mention that the definition of what’s “lawful” and “responsible” and “just” has gotten a bit messed up lately, and that Olruggio himself has had to compromise with his duties to cover for the kids. Olruggio fakes confidence in his capacity to fix everything, and pretends that things can go back to the way they were, but it would have been more honest of him to ask Qifrey to work with him so they can form a united front to face their new, complex reality.

Instead, by claiming that he is helping Qifrey out of a sense of duty, as Watchful Eye and as a friend, Olruggio reinforces the feeling that Qifrey is a burden to him. This gives Qifrey more incentive to keep his friend away from his investigations, and to see himself as expendable. In that light, since their friendship brings Olruggio so much trouble and so few benefits, betraying him and stealing the memories that relate to Qifrey’s secrets start to look like the lesser evil.

The only way that the conversation in chapter 40 could have gone well is if they both freely admitted to needing each other. However, it is too early in Olruggio’s character arc to be honest about his own feelings and worries. And it is too early in Qifrey’s character arc to see past his own self-loathing and recognize that his “perfect” friend also needs support and guidance. Yet, when they do, it is hinted that Olruggio can draw inspiration from Qifrey, and help Qifrey in a more meaningful way by highlighting how Qifrey matters to him, letting them reach this stage of true collaboration.

What Olruggio wants from Qifrey

I think Olruggio is repressing a sense of disillusionment about his work, the fairness of the system, and his usefulness as a witch. We see glimpses of his anxiety in chapter 39 notably. While he says that his true role is to help the commoners, circumstances keep reminding him that like it or not, his main function is decorative. He gets dragged in on short notice to be yanked around by petty nobles and arrange light shows at weddings; he has to act in secret to help the destitute, and even then can only do so much before the rules of magic society get in his way. So far he manages to keep his head above water, using his talent for diplomacy and showmanship to keep the nobles appeased, and finding small, creative ways to help commoners without breaking any law. But it leaves him with the feeling of being trapped in an increasingly constraining role, and is slowly pushing him towards a burn out.

He seems to feel a kinship with princess Mia, who like him is used as a tool in petty squabbles between nobles. He even metaphorically puts himself in her shoes: after likening her situation to being trapped in the spotlight in a dance she doesn’t want, he applies the same metaphor to himself and his inability to act outside the narrow constraints of witch rules, of being constantly watched and judged. And then, adorably enough, Olruggio actually brings Qifrey into the metaphor. He muses that Qifrey, who has gone against established rules before, might be the key to escaping that dance.

For all that the “problem child” / “star student” dichotomy has been weighing on Olruggio and Qifrey and warping their friendship, there is a flip side to it as well. As a prodigy who always pressures himself to perform perfectly (to the point where he will work himself to a zombie-like state and then hide behind a mask to look perfect and pristine in front of his clients at parties, Olruggio no), Qifrey provides a chance at escapism. For all that he berates him for causing trouble, Olruggio seems to fondly remember their old adventures. It’s possible that he valued the opportunity to do rebellious, forbidden things without having to jeopardise his reputation. His fear of being left behind by Qifrey is then also a fear of losing his hope that, when the pressure of being the perfect witch becomes too much to bear, Qifrey will be there to break him free.

In summary, Olruggio wants Qifrey to be his rebellious prince who breaks him free from the ballroom, and we respect him for it. Qifrey had his reasons for not being able to confide in him, and they both have a lot of character development to do before they can reach a stage of actual collaboration and trust. But I don’t dispute that taking his memories was a dick move. Thank you for coming to my ted talk.