#satisfaction from reading all that. lol. cannot believe there are people saying this is one of the best arcs

[wormstar]

i think the reason asc turned me off so much aside from just being bad was that there was basically nothing to the arc outside of the faux mysteries connected to splashtail and because its warrior cats, its hardly a mystery and moreso just the writers dropping clues within the same 10-ish chapters of the book instead of any effective foreshadowing, and because there is nothing i hate doing more than debating with warrior cats fans, joining in on the theorycrafting felt like a complete waste of time. yet again though that is the only appeal to this arc so if i step out of that i step out of the whole thing. also i still cannot fucking stand nightheart and the way the narrative tries to rationalise Ms Turbo Racist Anti-Immigrants Berryheart as a redeemable figure because shes Mom it reminds me of annoying people on this website too much. much less the fact that apparently they try to equivalate her to curlfeather and sparkpelt ???? sorry this arc has like dotc levels of being weird to women i cannot believe people are praising it

[aceofpatience]

🌟Your Next Significant One -> Pick-a-Pile reading🌟

I'm looking into both your and their energy, your first impressions of each other as well as the relationship itself.🤍 It's VERY specific. And kina long. Heh.💀 Tell if anything resonated! Take a deep breath, meditate and dive right into your reading! Shall we SEA?🐚

PILE 1 -> Lapis lazuli

Energy of pile 1: Hurricane. You managed win despite everything. You overcome any difficulties thanks to your own inner strength and healing energy. I’m thinking that others may have given up on you or at least didn’t truly believe that you would succeed on your own. They might have show support but only after you won in this situation, did they feel actual respect for you. You are or you soon will be in the position of power. You have the ability to help others, but your biggest strength is how you can soothe yourself in any circumstances. It’s like you have your own inner healer/therapist, ha.

Energy of your person: You knew they were the one the moment you saw them. It’s like you’re connected by some spiritual link. There is no other option for you. You will just know. They may be hurting even if they don’t acknowledge that - it’s like they’re constantly in a hurry, always busy with something. A bit of a workaholic maybe? I think they might not even know what exactly they are lacking in life, so that’s why they are always chasing (after another win). Somebody hurt them in the past (I’m getting the vibe of a childhood friend), yet they still decide to put their trust in people. So loyal. And very down to earth. They are rational - there is a lot of on their mind all the time. Also they may have a loud inner child, who needs some attention.

Who are they -> Work/study/responsibilities: I think it’s something sport-related. For sure it’s providing them with some public recognition or prestige. More so than the material gains, it brings them satisfaction. They want to show the world how strong and capable they are. Sometimes it’s like they are their own harshest critic, aiming to prove themselves to the world.

Goals: They want to show their victory was the result of their own hard work, not just a fluke. They wish for a sense of security that they cannot really find in their work/study-related environment - it’s like they cannot rest, they must keep fighting all over again in order to prove something, maybe their own capability or resilience.

Looks: Ravenclaw vibe. People might see them as a bit of a robot, but they just prefer to keep their distance from others. Strong features (nose, chin, jaw, cheek bones), yet very subtle facial expressions at the same time. It might be difficult to decipher what they’re thinking based on their body language. Their hands are important - maybe you will pay special attention to them. Rigid figure, always keeping their back straight (I’m feeling that what’s they were taught to do in youth). They have this natural pride about them (seen also in their posture), that some might mistake for arrogance, but it’s just them and how they carry themself.

Meeting -> Your POV: "Another love". You may meet them at a time when somebody extends an offer to you, some kind of helping hand. This will result in you gaining new independence (either financial or outside of your parents’ influence). It will be a time of new prosperity and abundance for you.

Their POV: They are ready to give their heart to you right away. You will meet at a moment, when they are discovering that their previous relationship (platonic or romantic) was kind of toxic - definitely not serving them, it doesn’t seem like they got any support in it. Now they want to move on, even if their heart is still healing. But what I can say for sure is that, it quickly becomes yours.

Romance -> How you see them: At first a bit like a sad robot (but a sexy one lol). They seem intimidating, closed off, cold and calculating; you might be a bit hesitant to talk to them. They appear to be very strict (maybe it will happen in a work environment or sth official). Because of how quickly you will feel this attraction and the feeling of vulnerability it brings, you will be afraid of them hurting you. However it’s certain there won’t be any problems in the „professional” sphere - you may make a good team. Only you can see through their armor, and discover the hidden warmth and a kind of a childlike innocence to them. This unseen side of them is what is intuitively pulling you towards them, in spite of other people’s reservations about this connection. But their true feelings are obvious, you see them beyond the walls that they’ve build.

How they see you: They like a moth that is enchanted by your light. Your harmony and  stability (and for some also self-confidence). You for sure don’t pretend who you are, and they love it. You’re kindred spirits - you are the definition of a family for them.

Relationship -> White bull (it might be your symbol idk). Also the number 3. The Cupid arrow. Your feelings are evolving quickly, there is no control over them. You change their worldview - and maybe they change yours. Since the first conversation it’s over - you know they are the one for you and vice versa. The strength of you bond might frighten you for a minute, but it will eventually lead you to your greatest victory. You both are perfectly balanced together and I think your inner children will understand each other greatly (trauma bonding hue hue). And one of you will be great at dirty talk or just super smooth.

PILE 2 -> Green Aventurine

Energy of pile 2: You are trying to find yourselves - either by trying out new hobbies and activities or by constantly seeking change. You are mastering your abilities, honing them to perfection. You might have a lot of different talents, and I have a feeling that no matter what you touch it somehow always ends in success. You lucky bastards heh. For some of you - you might have left your family house behind or cut contact with your relatives, but I’m feeling you will eventually reconnect with them. You give off strong fire and air placement energy. Or those signs might be important to you in some way.

Energy of your person: Consciously or not, they feel responsible for others. This constantly evolving energy of yours is what’s really alluring to them. They themself have a sort of fluid energy, experiencing transformations of their own. But despite all that, they are quite stable and somebody that people can rely on. All their changes might be mostly superficial, like changing up their appearance or style from time to time. They might have a tendency to mirror those around them, but inside they remain the same. Grounded, Earth placement energy. Also BIG romantic vibes off of them, but I will elaborate on this later. For some of you, you might have known them before, but haven’t thought of this person in years before this meeting. And all the memories attached to them suddenly resurfaced.

Who are they -> Work/education: Rather stable line of work, that has a lot to do with them sitting by the desk. It’s a routine, but a rather pleasing one. They work or study alone, maybe sth with a computer. It might not be something they dreamed of spending a majority of their time doing, but it keeps the „money” coming lol. It’s just something that they recognize as a normal responsibility for themself. They can’t really see any other options, so for now it’s the most suitable alternative for them.

Goals: They wish to have more time for themselves, so that they could finally focus on all the small everyday pleasures - ones that usually had to stay in the background. They  truly yearn for a true romantic love, but deep inside they might fear they will never find it.

Looks: Really pretty/handsome overall. They take good care of themselves, both in term of health and looks. So they may have a daily skin-care routine. PEARLS. This is either an important symbol for them, or it can mean that they like to wear jewelry, have some significant tattoos or wear makeup? I feel they might often change their appearance, for example by dying their hair or mixing up their outfits. For some of you, and take it as it resonates, they might wear a green scarf or some other piece of clothing in that clothing lol. And their shoulders are hot.

Meeting -> Your POV: „Devil Doesn’t Bargain". A lot is going to be happening in your life at the moment  of your meeting. You may have just ended a relationship of your own but idk. You are trying to get out of some situation you don’t like. It’s not even necessary a bad or a difficult situation, but one that you intuitively feel isn’t right for you (work/love/study idk). For some of you it might entail some sort of sacrifice, that you may „use” people around you to get your way? But it sounds more dire than it will actually be lol. I also see that during this transition period, you again will be perfecting some skill. You chose to leave behind that former stagnant situation, and on your way out you completely destroyed the status quo. Maybe it was some kind of a group project, that might have ended in conflict. Bottom line is, you will be pretty occupied with all that „drama”, you won’t really be looking for any romance at the moment. So at first, you won’t recognize THAT person as someone significant to you.

Their POV: „Cardigan”!! They will be lonely. Very much so, but out of their own choosing - they are waiting for love, for the right person. Maybe it will be work that brings you two together, teamwork maybe? Or you both will be leaving your studies/job environments at a similar time when you meet.

Romance -> How you see them: At first you might see them as a rival, a competition to your authority in the group. I have a feeling you like to be in the centre, therefore this person stealing your spotlight might unconsciously trigger you. You may have seen some quality in them, that you yourself wished you had. But this irritation will last only for a short moment. You will quickly realize that you both can benefit out of having a good professional relationship with each other and them quickly discover that you actually make a good team. Then comes the chemistry of course, and the rest you can probably figure out, heh.

How they see you: Instant attraction, they feel something pulling them towards you. It like they recognize an old friend in you, someone familiar. They admire you, seriously. There are no slimy intentions on their part, they genuinely respect your position in the group, as well as YOU yourself. They are givers, they just wish to show you how devoted they are to you. And they might commit quite quickly to this relationship. Before they were looking for a place to belong and with you they finally feel like they found it. Seriously, they are really sweet. They are putting your connection first and foremost. They are probably not very vocal about that, but the feelings are very much real and intense xd.

Relationship -> 22. Intimacy. At first you might be hiding that you two are a couple, so maybe some workplace romance?I also feel that before making things „official” you two might fantasize about each other a LOT. But you will get together pretty quickly. The attraction and sexual tension is HIGHH. I feel that you guys might change up who the „dominant” party is often, as in interchanging who leads the other. You will encourage and inspire each other equally, true power couple vibes (world domination!!). When one of you experiences change, the other is able to keep up with them. Some of your friends might view your relationship as slightly „toxic” or „codependent”, but it’s only because you are stronger and more powerful together than you are by yourselves. You both have this kind of wildness in your hearts, full of ambition and hunger - one that you acknowledge, accept and love about each other.

PILE 3 -> Tiger Eye

Energy of pile 3: Hats. You have ambition and energy that is hard to focus or direct in one particular way. You are a family person, I think you might have a lot of relatives - and you can rely on them. For some of you, I see some kind of heritage coming into your surroundings. It looks like your life is put together pretty well, you have things that occupy your time(your work/studies/passion projects) and you seem to always expect quite a lot form yourselves. You may be feeling overworked, but there is still something bright and joyful about your energy. There might be something charming about your attitude, that makes people enjoy being in your presence. I have a strong feeling that you got some  really special quirks (for some of you, I repeat: collecting hats!), but people around you might perceive it as something cute or funny. (Little they know how deep your weirdness goes). I’m getting the earth and fire energy (Aries or Sagittarius). Othala rune.

Energy of your person: It’s giving strong female vibes - the energy of creation, fluidity - you can never tell what is underneath. Artistic soul (music or sketching, but signing also may be significant here). I’m getting an Ophelia vibe - but without all the tragedy lol. They have a lot of possibilities before them. They are true dreamers and heave a strong, spiritual personality. They might seem less organized than you, they don’t really do plans, but still - everything is going smoothly for them.  It’s like someone is watching over their chaotic asses lol. The energy of cats - your person is  a very independent and unconventional creature, that’s why others may either love or hate them. For some of you: the sakura blossom flower may be their signature scent or symbol (a tattoo probably?). Algiz and laguz rune.

Who are they -> Work/study/anything more official: „Go your own way”. I think they are starting a new project or something like that. And they know they will succeed - their confidence may be slightly excessive given the situation, but still. They’re right. They are just great. Maybe singing is their hobby and something they’re pursuing.

Goals: They would like to be more rational, more down to earth (I think it’s something they are always repeating as their new year resolutions, while holding their new journal or calendar. Spoiler: it never works out, heh).

Looks: Longer hair, strong eyebrows. Something about them seems untamed and wild - for example hair, pointy ears or longer canines). Powerful, enchanting voice or laugh. For some of you: icy shades of hair or, on the contrary, burning fire red.

Meeting -> Your POV: You might find yourself in the situation in which your hobby, quirks will be in the foreground (…The second-hand shop with hats?? Just thing about it…) When you get to meet your person, you will be far from home, your family and friends - new town, moving houses or simply a vacation? It will be your me-time, for sure. You both will meet either by some dating app or your mutual colleagues will set you up for some kind of a blind date. I feel you will have many options in the realm of dating, and your person will be one of them - but from the very second you know them, everyone else will fade in comparison.

Their POV: „Sky Full Of Songs”. They didn’t look for a relationship (like I said, they don’t often do planning of any kind and just go with the flow). But the moment they meet you, they will just have to know you and „win” you. Claim you. (And one of you will give the other sunflowers). Your first (blind?) date will be just perfect. You don’t have to fear there being any awkwardness or uncomfortable silence. You will just get along. A lot of talking, laughing and shared heated glances - that’s what I see for you, pile numer 3. Falling in love.

Romance -> How you will see them: You will see a confident, strong, ethereal person. Beautiful in unconventional way - seductive like a nymph or some demigod. But there won’t be anything intimidating about them, you will connect easily. They just have this inner warmth, which you will adore. They will be funny and full of life (energy of a bubbly sunshine, I would say). You two won’t be able to stop talking. You will be attracted so much to their natural way of being.

How they see you: They will find your strength irresistible. It’s like you are the shoulder they can rest on their head on. A very sexy shoulder. Hah. You give them a sense of security and a safe space - they know you would never judge them. They won’t waste any time and will give you their heart in no time. Also they intuitively notice all the „wounded” parts of you that you keep hidden from most, and will love and cherish them. I think they are going to admire your more strict and rational side of personality. (Yes, big sir energy lol). And your quirks? They’re gonna see them as important and will love them as much as you do.

Relationship -> Everything just great, nothing to add. Your energies are made for each other. Communication is your shit, you rule at this. The chemistry? Wow, dude. High af.

[mjsakurea]

got sent this one today. of course you can ignore this, but i'm sending it anyway <33 - Fic authors self rec! When you get this, reply with your favorite five fics that you've written, then pass on to at least five other writers. Let’s spread the self-love 💖

Okay I'm gonna answer this over a month later lol, sorry! Thank you for the tag! <3

My own favorite 5 fics I've written, I've been thinking about it a lot! It's a tough decision cause I don't tend to reread my own fics after I've posted them. It was fun to think about it deeply though.

Bent Not Broken (fandom: The Untamed)

Summary: In honor of June being scoliosis awareness month 5 times Lan Wangji struggled with his scoliosis and one time he didn’t have to

This one because it was so meaningful to me to write something centered on scoliosis and scoliosis surgery and the after-effects. Everything I wrote about is stuff I've also experienced. It was extremely cathartic to write. But also the reactions to it blew me away, most comments were from people saying that they felt represented in their own scoliosis experiences. I could not have expected nor hoped for such an amazing response.

2. Good Name (fandom: Guardian)

Summary: “Shen Wei,” the letter starts. “Hi, it’s me Zhao Yunlan. If you’re reading this, we’ve switched again. And yeah, switched, I’m sure you’ve figured out by now that when you take over my body, I take over yours. Sorry for drinking alcohol. I didn’t realize you were such a lightweight.” Kimi no Na wa / Your Name AU - no knowledge of the source material is necessary to understand the plot of this story

This is the second longest fic I've ever written and also the only multi-chapter fic that I've fully completed *before* posting. It was a huge test of patience and it paid off! The first fic I got beta'ed also. Being able to post a chapter a week consistently and the satisfaction of it being already finished was great. Also I just personally love the AU and look back on it fondly.

3. The Heart of the Matter (fandom: Guardian)

Summary: Dixingren differ from Haixingren in one very crucial way: their heart is on the opposite side of the body. Zhao Yunlan never thought he'd be so thankful to find out Shen Wei is Dixingren in the worst possible circumstance.

This one because it proved to me that being completely self-indulgent pays off. In terms of kudos, comments, and bookmarks it is my most popular Guardian fic, but I'm not focusing on the statistics here it is just the fact that I thought it was too self-indulgent when I wrote it but then the reaction being so positive made me look at it in a different light and now when I think about an idea being self-indulgent I think back on this fic and tell myself nah I can be as self-indulgent as I want, and that self-indulgent fics are a good thing.

4. love them all for me (fandom: The Untamed)

Summary: He is barely a teenager when he is brought to Koi Tower where he meets a gentle young woman mourning the deaths of her husband and adoptive brother. She shares soup and stories of love and loss. Or Jiang Yanli sees a struggling young Mo Xuanyu and asks, “is no one else going to adopt him?” and does not wait for an answer.

This one because it was a pivotal fic in developing my writing style. This one was hugely experimental for me. I was very deliberate in how I wrote it stylistically. It was also the first fic I ever did in the present-tense. And then I realized I like present-tense better than past tense for my own writing haha.

5. A Fox Cannot Hide Its Tail (fandom: Guardian)

Summary: Li Qian speaks, “You won’t—it sounds—” “Crazy?” Zhao Yunlan cuts in. He smiles and says, “Try me.” It truly must be something strange if they can accept that he would believe them about the sentient shadow but not about this. “The shadow was chased away by a fox,” Li Qian admits softly like she doesn’t want him to hear her say it. “A fox?” Zhao Yunlan asks, eyebrows raised.

Full on recency-bias here lol but it's my current WIP so I want to include it. I am happy with where it's going. And it's the first complete canon-rewrite AU I've attempted! It is also self-indulgent as heck but I've already established that is A-okay!

Honorable mentions to the three fics I posted for the wishlist event just last week cause I love making gifts for people haha

[janecrockeyre]

scum villain is a greek tragedy disguised as a regular tragedy disguised as a comedy disguised as a danmei

this is going to be long, and this is only PART ONE.

a.k.a, Analysing the plot of Scum Villain’s Self Saving System through Aristotle’s Poetics, because I Have Mental Issues

Part One: Introduction and the Tragic Hero

Scum Villain’s Self Saving System is a tragedy disguised as a comedy, unless you’re Shen Yuan, in which case it’s a mixture of a romance and a survival horror. It's a fever dream. It's a horrible, terrible book that made me feel new undiscovered emotions when I finished reading it. 

The thing is... SVSSS shares characteristics with some of the most famous tragedies in the West, such as Oedipus Rex, Medea, Antigone, the Oresteia... if you haven’t read these, I’ll explain everything. But the gist of my argument is this: SVSSS is the perfect tragedy. In triplicate. 

Tragedy as a genre is old as balls and so it has meant slightly different things to different people over the last few thousand years. I'll be focusing on ancient Greek tragedy, which was performed at the yearly Festival of Dionysus in Athens during the 500-350s BC (give or take a hundred years). Aristotle, when writing about this very specific subset of tragedy, had no idea that one day Scum Villain would be written, and then that I would be using his work as a way to look at Shen Qingqiu’s Funky Transmigration Mistake. Anyway!

Greek tragedy greatly influenced European dramatic tradition. I have a lot of opinions about white academics idolising and upholding the classics as the "paragon of culture" but I'll withhold them for now. I have no idea if MXTX has read Greek tragedy or not, so don't take this as me saying they are writing it. 

In my opinion, tragedy is a universal human constant. We are surrounded by pain and hurt and none of it makes any sense, so we seek to process that pain through drama, art, literature, etc. We want to understand why pain happens, and how it happens, and try to make sense of the senseless. The universe is cold and cruel and random. Tragedy eases some of that pain. 

On that note: Just because I am analysing Scum Villain through a Greek lens doesn't mean that it was written that way. I'm pasting an interpretation onto the book when there's probably a very rich and deep history of Chinese tragedy that I just don't know about. If you ever want to talk about that, please, god, hit me up, I would love to learn about it!! 

Anyway, tragedy. MXTX is excellent at it! Mo Dao Zu Shi? Painful dynastic family tragedy. Heaven Official's Blessing? Mostly romance, but she managed to get that pure pain in there, huh? 

But in my opinion, Scum Villain holds the crown for the most tragic of her stories. MDZS was more of a mystery. TGCF was more of a romance. Neither of them shy away from their tragic elements. 

Scum Villain would fit right in between the work of Sophocles, Euripides and Aeschylus. How? Let me show you. Join me on my mystery tour into the world of "Aristotle Analyses Danmei..."

Part One: The Tragic Hero

What is a tragic hero? Generally, Greek tragic heroes are united by the same key characteristics. He must be imperfect, having a "fatal flaw" of some kind. He must have something to lose. And he must go from fortune to misfortune thanks to that fatal flaw. 

There are two (technically three) tragic protagonists in SVSSS and all of them are tragic in different but formulaic ways. Each protagonist has their own version of “hamartia” or a “fatal flaw”. 

Actually, hamartia isn’t necessarily a flaw - rather, it is a thing which makes the audience pity and fear for them, a careful imperfection, a point of weakness in the character’s morality or reasoning that allows for bad things to happen to them. For example, in Oedipus Rex, the king Oedipus has a “fatal flaw” of always wanting to find the truth, but this isn’t exactly a flaw, right? Note: this flaw can be completely unwitting, as we see with Shen Yuan. It can also be something that the protagonist is born with, some kind of trait from birth or very young. 

Shen Yuan

Shen Yuan’s “hamartia” is his rigid adherence to fate and his inability to read a situation as anything but how he thinks it ought to be. He believes that Bingmei will grow into Bingge, and it takes several years, two deaths, and some truly traumatising sex to convince him otherwise. 

Shen Jiu

Shen Jiu’s fatal flaw is his cruelty. It is his own sadistic treatment and abuse of Binghe which directly leads to his eventual dismemberment. This is kind of a no-brainer. Of course, it isn't all that simple, and as an audience we pity him for his cruelty as much as we fear it because we know it comes from his own abuse as a child. This just makes him even more tragic. Delicious. 

Luo Binghe

Luo Binghe’s fatal flaw is a complicated mix of things. It is his position as the “protagonist” which compels him to act in certain ways and be forced to suffer. It is his half-demonic heritage, something entirely out of his control, which sets in motion his tragic reversal of fortune when he gets yeeted into the Abyss. He also, much like Shen Yuan, has the propensity to jump to conclusions and somehow make 2 + 2 = 5. 

As well as having their respective “flaws”, all three protagonists match the rough outline of a good tragic hero in another way: they are in a position of great wealth and power. Even when you split the different characters into different “versions”, this still holds true. Yes, Luo Binghe is raised a commoner by a washerwoman foster mother, but his dad is an emperor and he also ends up becoming an emperor himself. 

Yes, Shen Jiu is an ex-slave and a victim of abuse himself, but Shen Qingqiu is a powerful peak lord with an entire mountain’s worth of resources at his back. 

Shen Yuan is a second generation new money rich kid. 

Bingge is a stereotypical protagonist with a golden finger. Bingmei is a treasured and loved disciple with a good reputation and a privileged seat by his shizun’s side. 

In a tragedy, having this kind of good fortune at the beginning of your story is dangerous. Chaucer says that tragedy is (badly translated into modern english) “a certain story / of him that stood in great prosperity / and falls out of high degree / into misery, and ends up wretchedly”. If we follow this line of thinking, a good tragedy is about someone who has a lot to lose, losing everything because of one fatal point of weakness that they fail to address or understand. 

If we look at Shakespeare, this is what makes King Lear such a fantastic tragic protagonist. He is a king in control of most of England, who from his own lack of wisdom and excess of pride, decides to split his kingdom apart to give to his daughters, favouring his murderous, double crossing progeny, and condemning his only actually filial daughter to death. He loses his kingdom, his mind, and his beloved daughter, all because of his own stupidity.

This brings us to:

Part Two: Peripeteia

This reversal of fortunes is called peripeteia. It is the moment where the entire plot shifts, and the hero’s fortunes go from good to bad. Think of it like one of those magic eye puzzles, where you stare at the image until a 3D shark appears, except you realise the shark was always there, you just couldn't ever see it, waiting for you, hungry, deadly, always lurking just behind that delightful pattern of random blue squiggles. 

Each tragic hero has their own moment of peripeteia in SVSSS, sometimes several:

Shen Qingqiu

In the original PIDW, SQQ’s peripeteia presumably occurs when he finds out that Bingge didn’t perish in the Abyss but has actually been training hard to come and pay him back. There’s really not much I’m interested in saying here - as a villain, OG!SQQ is cut and dry, and the audience doesn’t really feel any pity or fear for him. As Shen Yuan often mentions, what the audience feels when they see OG!SQQ is bloodlust and sick satisfaction. There is also the trial at Huan Hua Palace, which I will talk about in Shen Yuan’s section. 

Shen Yuan (SQQ 2.0)

One of SY’s most poggers moment of peripeteia is the glorious, terrifying section between hearing Binghe for the first time after the Abyss moment, and getting shoved into the Water Prison. 

“Behind him, a low and soft voice came: “Shizun?”

Shen Qingqiu’s neck felt stiff as he slowly turned his head. Luo Binghe’s face was the most frightening thing he had ever seen.

The scariest thing about it was that the expression on his face was not cold at all. His smile wasn’t sharp like a knife. Rather, it showed a kind of bone-deep gentleness and amiability.”

This is the moment of true horror for Shen Yuan, because he knows what happens next: the plot unfurls before him, inevitable and painful, and he knows that death awaits him at Luo Binghe's hands (lol). Compare it with the bone deep certainty with which he faces his own downfall during the sham of a trial later in the chapter (I’ve bolded the important part):

“In the original work, Qiu Haitang’s appearance signified only one thing: Shen Qingqiu’s complete fall from grace. [...] Shen Qingqiu’s heart streamed with tears. Great Master… I know you’re doing this for my own good, but I’ll actually suffer if she speaks her words clearly. This truly is the saying “not frightened of doing a shameful deed, just afraid the ghost (consequences) will come knocking”!”

After the peripeteia is usually the denouement where the plot wraps up and the threads are all tied together leaving no loose ends, but because this tragedy isn’t Shen Yuan’s but the former Shen Jiu’s, it’s impossible to finish. 

Shen Yuan cannot provide the meaningful answers that the narrative demands because 1) he doesn’t have any memory of doing anything, and 2) he wasn’t the person who did them. Narratively, he cannot follow the same path as the former SQQ because he lacks the same fatal flaw: cruelty. 

This is why Binghe doesn’t kill him - because he loves him, rather than despises him. And this is why Shen Yuan has to sacrifice himself and die for Luo Binghe in order to save him from Xin Mo: because the narrative demands that denouement follows peripeteia, and SQQ’s fate is in the hands of the narrative. 

(Side note: I believe that this literal death also represents the death of OG!SQQ's tragic arc. The body that committed all those crimes must die to satisfy the narrative. SQQ must die, like burning down a forest, so that new growth can sprout from the ashes. After this, Shen Yuan's story has more room to develop instead.)

It must happen to show Bingmei that SQQ loves him too. And this brings us to Bingmei.

Bingmei

Bingmei has two succinct moments of utter downfall. The first is a literal fall - his flaw, his demonic heritage, leads his beloved shizun to throw him down into the Abyss. From his point of view, SQQ is punishing him simply for the status of his birth. He rapidly goes from being loved and cherished unconditionally, to being the victim of an assassination attempt. 

He realises that he is totally unlovable: that for the crimes of his species that he never had a hand in, he must pay the price as well: that his shizun is so righteous that no matter what love there was between them, if SQQ sees a demon, he will kill it. Even if that demon is Bingmei. 

The second moment is when SQQ dies for him. Again, from his point of view, he was chasing after a man who was struggling to see him as a human being. Shen Qingqiu’s death makes Bingmei realise that he has been completely misunderstanding his shizun: that SQQ would literally die for him, the ultimate act of self sacrifice from love: that SQQ loved him despite his demon heritage. 

Much like King Lear holding the corpse of his daughter and wailing in sheer grief and pain because he did this, he caused this, Bingmei gets to hold his shizun's cold body and cry his eyes out and know that it was his fault. (Kind of.)

(Yes, I’m bringing Shakespeare into this, no I am not justifying myself)

Maybe I'm a bit sadistic, but that scene slaps. Let me show you a comparison of scenes so you get the picture. 

Re-enter KING LEAR, with CORDELIA dead in his arms; EDGAR, Captain, and others following

KING LEAR

Howl, howl, howl, howl! O, you are men of stones:

Had I your tongues and eyes, I'ld use them so

That heaven's vault should crack. She's gone for ever!

I know when one is dead, and when one lives;

She's dead as earth. Lend me a looking-glass;

If that her breath will mist or stain the stone,

Why, then she lives.

[...]

 KING LEAR

And my poor fool is hang'd! No, no, no life!

Why should a dog, a horse, a rat, have life,

And thou no breath at all? Thou'lt come no more,

Never, never, never, never, never!

Pray you, undo this button: thank you, sir.

Do you see this? Look on her, look, her lips,

Look there, look there!

Dies

Versus this scene in SVSSS: 

Luo Binghe turned a deaf ear to everything else, greatly agitated and at a loss of what to do. He was still holding Shen Qingqiu’s body, which was rapidly cooling down. It seemed like he wanted to call for him loudly and forcefully shake him awake, yet he didn’t dare to, as if he was afraid of being scolded. He said slowly, “Shizun?”

[...]

Luo Binghe involuntarily held Shen Qingqiu closer.

He said in a small voice, “I was wrong, Shizun, I really… know that I was wrong.

“I… I didn’t want to kill you…”

PAIN. SO MUCH BEAUTIFUL PAIN. Yes, I know Shakespeare isn’t Athenian, but he was inspired by the good old stuff and he also knew how to write a perfect tragedy on his own terms. Anyway. I’ll find more Greek examples later.

This post was a bit all over the place, but I hope it has been fun to read. Part Two will be coming At Some Point, Who Knows When. This is a bit messy and unedited, but hey, I’m not getting paid or graded, so you can eat any typos or errors. Unless you’re here to talk to me about Chinese tragedy, in which case, please pull up a seat, let me get you a drink, make yourself at home.

ps: if you want to retweet this, here is the promo tweet!

[butterflydm]

wot reread: the fires of heaven (chap 51)

 spoilers through the fires of heaven; vague references to the future and to one of the themes that is explored in the series but I try to keep it spoilers-lite

1. lol, back to the constant pipe-smoking. From Rand again, this time. Pipes sound so uncomfortable, always being clenched in the teeth like that. I suppose you get used to it? Sounds uncomfortable though. We also learn that ten days have passed since our last Rand & Mat chapter.

2. Selende (I think she’s a random Cairhienin noblewoman) is snuggling super-close to Rand and, for whatever reason, he doesn’t seem to feel like he can tell her to back off the way that he was willing to do with Berelain back in Tear? Not sure why, because he’s definitely still uncomfortable.

3. They’re really hammering in how unseasonably hot that it is right now. Ugh, I feel my doom approaching. Go away, hot weather. I disapprove of what you mean in this narrative.

4. Ah, he finally scares her away by talking about how saidin is gonna make him go crazy. Here he thinks about why he’s not just asking them to leave -- it only works very briefly and then they chase after him again. He’s also thinking about how he wants to build up his forces in Tear and then go after Sammael when and how he chooses, rather than rushing off in a temper.

5. Rand’s PoV of the information diet that he’s been put on: “Egwene gave him hints of things, but she saw matters from the White Tower, wherever she stood. The Aes Sedai point of view was not his.”

6. Berelain is marching north from Tear with a small army to help him. Her letter to him asked after Perrin, which baffles Rand somewhat and makes me sigh in resignation. Rand thinks it might be a good idea to put Berelain as the person in temporary charge of Cairhien, since he’s reserving the throne for a person he has not yet named on page.

7. We learn that Andor/Morgase (actually Rahvin, though no one here knows it) has claimed “half our lands west of the Alguenya” in the name of Andor. We also learn that apparently Rand was tempted by the first of the ladies that Colavaere sent to try to cozen him, until he realized who was sending them. The Maidens sent those who tried to sneak into his chambers away because they think he’s with Aviendha and Aviendha (harshly/violently) chased away the one that she found because she believes Elayne owns him. Jordan’s weird-ass gender relations strikes again. I really do dislike the whole “this person is claimed as my sexual/romantic property, regardless of their own feelings or whether or not I treat them well, so everyone else must stay away” vibe that happens a lot and that Jordan seemed really into. I cannot tell him this for obvious reasons but: hey, Jordan, your kinks were not Universal Truths about the Human Condition!

I certainly have my own share of Things I Like to Write/Read about, but I do my best not to make it sound as if that’s just How All People Are. Though I suppose I’m not the best judge on whether or not I’m successful, lol.

I do understand, from a hormonal standpoint, why Rand would have been tempted by the Cairhienin ladies at first, because his engine is literally getting revved every night by Aviendha undressing in front of him (apparently with great satisfaction these days? honestly, I wish I could get a glimpse of Aviendha PoV to know WTF she’s thinking in these moments; her motivations don’t make sense to me!) and he probably doesn’t even feel like he can take care of it himself because he’s pretty much never alone. He’s smart enough not to actually do anything, but I get why he’s tempted.

8. Ugh, I do dislike that the Maidens don’t respect Rand’s privacy when it comes to Moiraine, Egwene, & Aviendha wanting to talk to him? They don’t even give him a courtesy warning when it’s one of those three coming in, they’re just let inside his chambers. And this from Egwene is exactly what I mean when I say that I understand why Rand is frustrated: “You know what you need to know. And I will not tell you what you do not need to know.” That’s so condescending and frustrating beyond belief.

And it’s hard to try to untangle how Rand’s mental state is... which parts of his mental state is affected by the taint vs the clear trauma vs his frustration with how other people are constantly trying to keep him on an information leash. Those three things all combine together to cause him even more mental stress, I would expect. Anyway, it’s been six days since Egwene talked to Rand. And just... Rand’s frustration with how little he’d being told is so obvious and he gets absolutely nothing back from Egwene and Moiraine except a frustrating brick wall of calmness.

9. Anyway, he has received two letters from Tar Valon, one from Elaida and one from Alviarin. Elaida’s letter is short: she’s sending Aes Sedai to Cairhien to ‘escort’ him to Tar Valon with honor and respect. Alviarin’s is longer: very fawning, lots of compliments, and says she wants to serve him. He suspects Moiraine may have already read the letters as she barely looks at them. In the two letters, Rand can see the split in the White Tower and the presence of White Tower spies in the city. Moiraine actually gives him a compliment here: “You learn quickly. You will do well.”

10. Yeah, Rand has been heavily affected by his recent bout with the taint, I think. He’s now deliberately using Moiraine, Egwene, and Aviendha’s presence to throw Mat off balance and frighten him. Shadow Rising!Rand would be disappointed in him. Even early Fires of Heaven!Rand would be disappointed. Anyway, Rand sent for Mat four hours ago (as soon as he learned Mat was in the city) and now Mat is arriving.

And, again, we have random people calling Mat ‘Matrim’, pls just let people have nicknames. How did the Aiel even find out that his given name was Matrim, anyway? When he asks to go to Rhuidean in book four, he is specifically asked what name he calls himself and he says “Mat. Mat Cauthon”. Is it just That Well Known Even To Aiel that Mat is short for Matrim? Did Moiraine or Egwene tell them?

11. Actually... huh. Rand losing his protectiveness over Mat (which has come across as a normal level of protectiveness that isn’t at all controlling) coincides fairly closely with Rand’s increasing OVERprotectiveness over literally every woman who exists in the world, even his enemies who want to kill him (and this overprotectiveness of his IS frequently controlling; just ask the Maidens). That’s... interesting.

I’d chalk it up to Jordan changing characters’ backstories and relationships between books, as he has done before (ex. Rand and Egwene’s constantly changing backstory), except that it’s definitely been happening over the course of The Fires of Heaven (because Rand was protective over Mat when it came both to the Darkhound attack and to Moiraine’s interest in Mat’s medallion at the start of the book).

Three possible factors spring to mind, though I’m sure there are more:

Rand’s exposure to saidin/the taint itself is what is causing his weird overprotectiveness towards women, and his lessened care towards the lives of men. This theory has textual evidence but it’s mostly coincidental -- that it seems like Rand’s changes are tied to when he uses a lot of saidin.

This also may be related to Jordan’s thing about how queerness is for adolescence/single-sex environments and heterosexuality is for grownups. Because the other big event that happens in this book is Rand losing his virginity to Aviendha. And Jordan DOES have a weird thing about being queer as something you ‘grow out of’ and then go be a ‘happy heterosexual’ (the primary example being Siuan/Moiraine to Siuan/Gareth & Moiraine/Thom, but pillowfriends in general tend to follow this idea). Once Rand sleeps with a woman, his protective feelings for his male friend are now considered a hindrance to his life rather than an important part of his emotional landscape and must be tossed away. (this would likely be subconscious/unintentional on Jordan’s part tho) - and this is not a hang-up that is solely Jordan’s, to be sure. There was a huge thing a few years back where Assassin’s Creed: Odyssey fans got very frustrated with the game-makers for forcing a m/f relationship on the main character in one of the DLCs (when you had previously been allowed in-game to play the character as 100% gay if you chose, as all the romance was in the player’s hands). The ‘achievement’ for doing the DLC and having a kid with the forced m/f love interest was even called ‘growing up’, iirc.

Does Lews Therin actually know how to have friends? Legit question. At least, does he know how to have friends who are men? Because thinking back about what we know about his relationships with men during the AoL, I don’t think he has ever thought back to a strong friendship like Rand and Mat had growing up. We know he had people under his command and we know that a LOT of men were jealous of him but... did he have any friends? So it could be that LTT’s lack of understanding of How Friends Work could be contributing to Rand’s actions as LTT’s personality gets more space and time in the driver’s seat, especially when Rand doesn’t notice.

12. I will continue to evaluate as I go on. But I do note that Perrin was removed from the friend group the next book after he was paired off with Faile (he decided he couldn’t live without her at the end of TDR and then was off to his own storyline in the start of TSR); and now that Rand has officially lost his virginity, we have the upcoming separation of Rand and Mat as friends who actually get to hang out in the next book. It’s just... a potentially interesting pattern.

And one of the hallmarks of toxic masculinity is the notion that men are supposed to be stoic and aren’t allowed to share feelings with each other, only with their romantic/sexual partner, who is supposed to take on all the emotional load of the relationship (*cough* Min *cough*). And Rand is very much an exploration of the dangers of toxic masculinity, so I wonder if this is actually an intentional part of that or if this is just one of those things that Jordan thought was Just The Way The World Is.

13. Rand would like to inform us that he can see Mat’s sweaty chest because of his half unlaced shirt. Thx for the info, Rand. Mat is also wearing a silk scarf to cover up his scar from being hanged by the Eelfinn. Mat finds some security out of touching his medallion while he’s in the room with Moiraine. We learn about the Band of the Red Hand here! People (well, sigh, ‘young men’) are lining up to join. Moiraine tells us the Old Tongue name: Shen an Calhar and that they were the last to fall when Manetheren died, guarding Aemon himself.

I feel so cheated out of a ‘Mat raises Manetheren’ plotline tbh. It would have been so much more thematically appropriate than Perrin doing it. Perrin is simply not attached to the Manetheren history that way that Mat has been from the very beginning. Perrin should have been given his own narratively-relevant plotline, not taken the one that seems tailor-made for Mat!

14. Ah, the reason that Mat has only just gotten back to Cairhien is that he went to scout what was going on with the Andorans to the south/west. “Andoran supply wagons burned, outposts destroyed. And three battles. Three battles, and three victories. With small loss to your own men, though outnumbered.”

15. And Rand has a glimmer of realization about how hard he has gotten when it comes to using men, including his friends, but it’s quickly gone from his mind. Ah, MAT is the one who brings the news that Morgase is ‘dead’ (from his scouting mission). Also, Mat saying that he’s glad Elayne isn’t here to hear about her mom being dead. Aw. Also: ha, love that Rand’s plan to try to ‘soften’ Mat failed and Mat’s back just goes up. Weirdly, I also wonder if some part of Rand isn’t trying to sabotage his own plans? Because Rand SHOULD KNOW that it would just put Mat’s back up to corner him like this? It always did in the past, and it did for Rand too. It’s a Two Rivers thing. And that really does make me wonder if this is LTT’s influence, because RAND should know what Two Rivers people are like, but LTT wouldn’t.

16. Gaebril has declared himself King of Andor and of Cairhien. Okay, it also sounds like no one has officially declared Morgase dead; the official word is the Morgase is the one who made Gaebril king, but everyone is talking about how no one has seen Morgase for weeks. And Mat already knows that Gaebril was the one who wanted to have Elayne killed off back in TDR.

17. Rand’s first thought is that Elayne will ‘never forgive him’ for letting Morgase die as Rahvin’s prisoner. It makes him “quiver with fury” thinking about it. His temper is also getting worse, I think. Again, dead heat between whether this is the taint or the ptsd; though the taint is also used as a metaphor for ptsd sometimes. He is immediately too angry to go through with his plans to go after Sammael methodically and wants to go take revenge for Elayne’s sake RIGHT NOW. And he blames himself for Morgase’s death as if ‘his own hand had been on the knife’. Moiraine does convince him to hold off until ‘tomorrow’ instead of going right now to kill Rahvin.

18. Rand kicks Asmodean out when he starts playing a song called “The Fool Who Thought He Was King” and then tells Moiraine, Egwene, and Aviendha to leave so that he can talk to Mat alone. Egwene and Aviendha want to come help him with Rahvin (and Rand is still boiling over with anger inside) but he tries to tell them it’s too dangerous. And here, they call him out on being controlling & overprotective, like I just talked about above! It’s so much more extreme than he used to be at the start of this book. He did still try to protect the Maidens but he wasn’t hyper-focused on preventing Every Woman’s Death in the World like he kinda is now (he wonders here, when Moiraine mentions Lanfear, what he’ll do if she’s there with Rahvin). Rand DOES finally give in and say that they can come the next day with him to kill Rahvin. And then just as fiercely as he was trying to AVOID putting Egwene & Aviendha in danger, he tells Mat that he MUST go into danger, no choice involved. Very very changed from the start of the book!

19. Moiraine talks to Egwene and Aviendha and tells Egwene that she thinks that she handles Rand’s temper well (lol I doubt this somewhat; I guess it’s not the WORST she could have done but she could have done better too) and that Rand needs people with him who won’t be driven away by his rages (true but also... like, maybe we could TRY therapy? just a little?).

Ugh, after Moiraine leaves, Aviendha asks about whether or not the Aes Sedai in Salidar really will help Rand and Egwene warns her not to say that name in front of Rand, because he needs to be ~prepared~ first and, yes, the taint is definitely causing an increase in Rand’s temper and his paranoia, but the compete lack of trust he gets from everyone around him who claims to care about him doesn’t help, especially when they all trust each other so much more than they trust him! Egwene does think that she’s doing this for Rand’s own good, to protect him from the Aes Sedai, but she doesn’t at all consider giving Rand this information so that he can make an informed decision. And Egwene justifies this based on how Rand is behaving now but they were doing this to him BEFORE he overdosed on the taint as well. Rand has been getting the runaround from Aes Sedai since before he even knew/believed that he was the Dragon Reborn.

Egwene’s ‘protecting Rand for his own good’ thing here does very much mirror what Rand is attempting to do with them tho. They continue to be very much paralleled in their actions/behaviors.

20. Mat gets special chambers as the “young hero of the battle against the Shaido”. The argument with Rand lasted for hours, it sounds like. But Mat has noticed that he can’t seem to AVOID battles right now. The sound of the dice pretty much always means another battle over the rise, these days. He wonders if maybe he can take a ship to escape things, but figures he would manage to find a battle there, too. Anyway, what Rand wants Mat to do is take command of his Tairen army (as they move on Illian, I think?).

21. Melindhra is there in his chambers. When he tells her that he’s going to be going away for a while, ‘for Rand’ (though he’s still pondering the idea of escape), she’s annoyed. She tells him that he needs to leave behind Rand’s shadow. As soon as he mentions Caemlyn in relation to Rand, she attacks without warning. I do note that Mat’s initial thought of where to ‘escape’ to is Tear (even as he realizes that would definitely NOT remove him from Rand’s influence). When he sees her pull a knife, he instinctively throws one of his own -- a killing blow that he immediately regrets. Even as she’s dying (and tells him she always liked his ‘pretty eyes’), she tries to bring up the dagger for one last attempt to kill him, but it hits the foxhead medallion instead. He realizes that she was a Darkfriend because she says he has “the Great Lord’s own luck” when her attack fails.

22. Mat thinks about how he’s never killed a woman (...I assume he means in this life and not the past memories because I absolutely DO NOT believe that every single one of those past battles was genuinely a man-only affair). He thinks about how all he ever wants from his time with women is “a smile, a dance, a kiss, and to be remembered fondly”. He realizes that the dagger hilt she used had golden bees on it, the sign of Illian/Sammael. He thinks that she attacked because she connected him going down to Tear with him leading an army against Sammael, but the readers have additional info!

The intent of the Lanfear-Rahvin-Sammael-Graedal plan was to aim Rand at SAMMAEL, not at Rahvin, so once Mat showed that Rand was about to go off course and head to Caemlyn instead, she was the person planted to kill Mat so that Rand would get angry enough to continue to chase Sammael, who is expecting him, and not Rahvin, who is NOT expecting him.

But that is the end of Melindhra. As far as Mat’s ‘evil girlfriends’ are concerned, she is definitely my favorite, so I am kinda sad to see her go here. Goodbye, Melindhra. Also, in totally depressing news, he straight-up just sits there with her dead body for hours. Oh, bb.

[cancerjupiter]

astro notes: neptune edition (pt. 1)

neptune represents issues which are frequently unconscious, so all of this may operate without your awareness. if projected, the negative aspects of neptune become more emphasised. the more you reject it in your own life, the more likely it is that you’ll meet it in exaggerated ways outside yourself.

neptune in the 1st house

tends to be the kind of person who waits and sees, but your outward behavior doesn’t begin to describe what goes on inside. you feel connected to your environment because you’re aware of subtle energies, you pick up impressions from others they’re usually unaware to be giving. you find yourself in the uncomfortable position of knowing (beyond a verbal level) what others’ unconscious motivations are, what’s hidden behind their civility. you tend to be very idealistic, preferring to live in harmony: peaceful non-demanding relationships and quiet and aesthetically pleasing surroundings. you choose to think kindly of others, whether they reciprocate or not; your sensitivity gives you a natural compassion. you can be most charming, often whimsical, sometimes romantic, and usually empathic. you seem approachable and often receptive to a degree others find startling and deeply gratifying (if not a little scary lol). you want life to be perfect for yourself and others, and your desire for a better world can be channeled into artistic creative pursuits, social work, or mere daydreaming.

you often struggle with personal identity. you may be so open to others that you pick up their moods without realising it. you tend to mimic, unconsciously, the strong characteristics of the last person you were with. don’t become an emotional sponge; define your emotional boundaries and accept it is necessary for your growth to establish a firm identity. another thing i noticed about you is that you guys don’t mind suffering; no, i’m not saying you don’t hate it (everyone does!) but you seem to accept it when you don’t have to. you put others first and feel that it’s best to sacrifice your own well-being than to be responsible for someone else’s suffering.

there’s almost always a strong awareness of and interest in spiritual energies with this placement. you may actually be psychic, whether or not you’re comfortable with the ability. you may deeply religious, although not conventionally since institutions don’t satisfy you; you feel at home with a belief system you know, from personal experience, exists. your lack of interest in the real world can lead you into seriously bad habits like drug abuse or eating disorders and due to your dislike of physical activity, this can quickly damage your (often sensitive) health. alternatively, this placement can also lead to arrogance, depending on the sun and midheaven placements/aspects.

neptune in the 2nd house

you tend to be idealistic with the use of money and personal resources, not terribly attached to them. you look at them as temporary and although sad to part with something you own, you can let it go where others simply cannot. there’s an indifferent attitude towards finances, income and etc. some of you are v generous and will give things away to people who can truly admire it, believing nothing truly belongs to anyone. this outlook satisfies you greatly, making you easygoing but also easily being taken advantage of. this sort of gives you a fairy-tale attitude towards your money - it’s either always there when needed, or simply one of the world’s idiotic, materialistic preoccupations. you may be unpractical or simply forgetful with resources; not willing to sit down and figure what’s the best buy and choosing to go with intuition. purchases usually go by what you want rather than what you can afford (my friend has no idea how much is on her bank acc and doesn’t care to figure it out. she just doesn’t care lol). you should actually read the small print in contracts and not trust just anyone with your money.

alternatively, there may be a strong tendency to overvalue material things (neptune = beliefs in the house of money and possessions), specially if there’s an earth emphasis in the chart, making you inclined to putting great care and time into upkeep. you usually want your things to look aesthetic™️. 

there’s also a strong creative tendency; it may be expressed in various forms but it will certainly be inherent. you need at least periodic access to music and inspiration, including the outdoors where you can soak up peace and serenity. since the 2nd house also relates to sensual pleasures, you probably expect these to provide a kind of ultimate ecstasy. in short, this placement forces you to face up to your tendencies to create illusions about money, possessions, sex, or creative pursuits. don’t expect more from them than they can provide.

neptune in the 3rd house

on one level, this placement can confuse and scatter the brain, giving it vagueness and disorganized thinking. sometimes, however, the mind exhibits uncanny insights into the subtleties of the environment. you sense the hidden nuances and meanings behind what’s being said. what you miss in terms of precise analytical ability, you can by being able to view the big-picture more clearly. there’s a danger to this however; your desire to view what’s beautiful and ideal around you can give a kind of selective perception in which only the good is seen and what doesn’t fit into that is ignored.

you don’t usually feel comfortable expressing yourself through normal channels of communication. what you have to say can be better demonstrated through dance, poetry, song, or picture (painted or taken). there’s often a shyness in the early school situation, which manifested in mental illness (my friend has dyslexia and this was a hard time for her) or simply confusion.

since this house also rules siblings, there may be some sacrifices to be made in relation to them; they may be a problem or have difficulties. since neptune fuses the boundary between the self and others, you may feel you’re responsible for their problems or everything which happens in the immediate environment (also ruled by the 3rd). if you don’t have siblings, you probably longed for the companionship of it, an idealized vision of what a sibling is. i also noticed this neptune placement showing exceptional ability as teachers - specially working w children who have learning difficulties. they can understand ways to communicate with and understand the child better than anyone else.

neptune in the 4th house

i have this one and it’s a loaded position: an unconscious planet in an unconscious house. to feel safe in a secure nest is fundamental, though that’s often quite unconscious. your idea of haven includes a lovely home, w lots of food and someone who will take care of your needs. there’s an assumption that the mother, early home life and emotional security all need to be perfect. that is, all needs will be met with ease, and there’s no upset or disappointment in these areas. the mom or other primary caregiver, is supposed to be there when needed, regardless of other commitments. the illusions connected to the 4th house (remember, neptune refers to illusions which must be exposed and released) are deeply intimate; and any threat to them is profoundly threatening to you.

neptune in the 4th generally has to overcome the strong need for the nurturing parent to not only be perfect but to continue being so into your adulthood. you have great difficulty separating from them; you may never fully do it. it doesn’t matter if they actually lived to your expectations, for their importance is in your head - the parent you idealized or pretended they were. sometimes, however, this desire focuses on the home rather than the parent. in this case, the childhood home was either perfect, or mysterious and elusive. you can react by trying to re-create the exact same nest.

with this placement, nurturing yourself becomes the ultimate value, a way to find supreme satisfaction. you can also make the most amazing caretakers and companions. your need to nurture others is a complicated expression of your own hunger to be taken care of; you give too much and eventually become resentful when no one appreciates your (not asked for) sacrifices. you might also project neptunian traits onto your parent; they may be v spiritual and loving, vague and confusing, or even absent, so you were left w only a fantasy of what they could - and should - have been. they might have also been a victim (similar to pisces moon) and you might’ve felt obligated to save them. 

you feel like caring involves being swallowed up completely, and it’s something you either constantly yearn or are terrified of. you also feel if your (unrealistic) emotional security needs aren’t met, you won’t survive the disappointment (you did, and you will again). neptune in the 4th can make the most patient and loving parents, w a strong sense of their emotional bonding and spiritual responsibilities. you will do more to create an ideal parent/child relationship than anyone else and constantly remind others of how important it is to strive to be the best parent one can be.

neptune in the 5th house

this combo leads to a definite charisma, an aura of charm and power and importance (timothee, angelina, mlk, drake, etc). it’s a strong indication of some kind of acting ability, though it may be used as a teacher or a salesman rather than on stage. you’re likely to work in some area where applause and respect can be immediate and experienced personally. you need this; neptune undermines the self-confidence so you depend on others’ feedback to measure your worth. this can be a deadly dependency because even the highest praise and respect can truly fulfill the yearning to be loved unconditionally, only provide a temporary high, making you forever vulnerable.

some of the illusions related to this placement include the need to have perfect relationships and children, and the perfect artistic creation. whenever one expects perfection, they’re doomed to disappoitment, although the process of disillusionment may be needed to rethink your outlook on life. you may expect your love life to provide a complete sense of fulfillment. you can make a v romantic partner, the type to love cheesy romantic things and music, who can surround your lover with utmost affection. however, you might also expect them to sense your wishes and always meet them; or expect yourself to always be sensitive and caring at al times, regadless of your moods and/or needs.

you need to re-evaluate your tendency to romanticize lovers instead of seeing them for who they are. you may also harbor illusions towards children, your own or all, which hamper your ability to deal w them realistically and effectively. there’s a difficulty in developing a strong sense of self-worth, or maybe fancying yourself to be far more important than you really are. this placement is associated w a great deal of inspired creativity, however, and if other chart factors support it, it indicates exceptional artistic talent. with humility and self-awareness, you can use your magnetism to uplift those who have lost all confidence.

neptune in the 6th house

w this placement, neptune is in its polar opposite, since 6th house relates to virgo and neptune relates to pisces. this house is about the world as it is and how to manage it in a day-to-day basis. neptunian energy is the opposite: it yearns for and seeks to unite w the cosmos, which transcends this world. how can these two work this out?

when they’re well integrated in the chart, you can dream of neptune while using the practical 6th house skills to plan and organise the dream you wish to make true some day. it can direct the neptunian energy to envision something better, prettier, more creative and inspiring. without this, the 6th house is merely a housekeeping unit - a drive to organise and plan, but for what purpose? neptune supplies it with purpose and the house repays it with practical skills, usually related to some artistic work.

however, if the energies are at odds, there is the need to dream vs. the need to be practical and realistic. you feel a strong need to busy yourself w details and make everything as efficient as possible, tidying up and even criticising others (negative virgo energy). you may expect far too much from others and yourself, never able to say “no” when more work is piled on you. another expression is not being able to keep your shit together; you forget, are disorganized, feel tired and drained of energy, get sick often, or feel generally unfulfilled. my friend, for example, often seeks jobs for its glamorous aspects, only to get swamped by details and routine. 

[vaguely-concerned]

The Mandalorian Chapter 14 reactions: HOLY SHIT THAT WAS AWESOME BUT ALSO I’M CRYING edition

- the good good din characterization is back after all the weirdness last episode!!!! that soft way he says ‘no, no, I’m not mad at you’? THAT’S din djarin, he would not be fucking impatient with his son having just been informed and seen for himself that he is terrified, go away mr filoni I know you’ve got all of canon memorized but you don’t get this lol. this feels much more right in how din being conflicted and still thinking he should give the baby away for his own good plays out too  

honestly every line of dialogue for him in this one was perfect I was just whispering ‘I love this awkward clueless wonderful man just doing his best’ to myself any time he said anything. “...does this look Jedi to you?” sir I adore you more than words can describe

- we got din chuckling. asjdklfhsdkafghsdafsadhjkfsdahjkfh. fskahfksjad. side note: I can’t believe my joke post about din desperately trying to Force home school the kid with the one (1) jedi trick he knows about and the baby being delighted by it over and over anyway -- listen to his expectant excited laugh when din takes the ball and sets up the game!!!! -- was canon all along. and then the baby & mando music kicking in when he gently put the silver ball into the baby’s hands again and tells him he’s special (because he IS special. to din)? hmng. hmmmmnnnnn  

they opened on the height of softness so we would all crumple under the weight of the rest of the episode and that was very mean of them in a way I sincerely appreciate 

- nothing to see here... just a dad trying to walk through the literal manifestation of the unassailable underlying forces of the universe to get to his baby again and again........ the desperation in that, the love, the foolhardy devotion................... shit

- okay so I might be a dumbass, but I’d never noticed this before -- the silver ball has a blue spot on the top, like so: 

and in addition we get the room where the baby goes full darth grogu (I have to laugh so I don’t cry okay) on those storm troopers, and there’s a red light in there dominating the room (and it did even more in the concept art):

in star wars blue means light side and red means dark side (it’s very sophisticated that way), meaning the visual storytelling here is that there’s a battle for the baby’s soul and gideon and all his nonsense (and the trauma bb’s been through in the wider sense) is pulling towards the dark, while grogu and din’s connection leads him towards the light. just... the image of the baby looking at his own reflection in the symbolic representation of his relationship to din? the way children find their sense of self through being safely reflected and held by their caretakers? god help meeeeeee I will go in there and fistfight gideon myself for disrupting that in any way  

the smaller light seems to be blue too, like there’s still the presence of light even if it’s dimmed and small in that shitty horrible room, which is a change from the concept art!

- FENNEC SHAND SURVIVED BITCHES!!! I even called that she’d be back with new shiny robot parts back in season 1, could not happen to a cooler lady, I hope we get more backstory and interaction from her the next episodes -- sounds like she’s basically sworn herself to boba’s service in gratitude for saving her life, I wonder if that’s a cultural thing of whereever she comes from? does she live aboard slave 1 now too?? because that would be hilarious and amazing, it must be like two strange cats trying to get used to sharing the same space   

- everything I could ever hope for about boba fett in this series came true, they went down the much more interesting and nuanced route with jango and boba’s identities as mandalorians, he looked cool as fuck and made din as a character shine rather than overshadowing him... amazing beautiful yesss 

(I did 100% not anticipate just how ‘cool uncle boba here to help you fuck shit up’ he was going to be but I am delighted to get it anyway. uncle points deducted for getting someone to point a gun at the baby, but the main point still stands lol) 

the power and brutality of his hand to hand fighting too... a w e s o m e , I enjoyed the action scenes a lot in this one

- they even recanonized him actually wearing jango’s armour. what more could I ask for. I’ve had confused parent & child feels about these two since I was like eleven and here we fucking go again. and jango fighting in the mando civil wars too!

- so I’m grieving the razor crest (and I always will be, rip you magnificent jalopy, always in my heart) but also there’s the grim satisfaction that my reading on it was sort of true -- it is (...was. oh god it’s going to take a while to sink in huh) a symbol of din’s self and life, and at this point when they take the baby it tears everything else to pieces. the only thing that’s left in the ashes is the beskar and the thing that connects him to the baby. and there’s... a strange solace in seeing that that’s all he needs to keep going? he’s fucking obliterated from orbit but he still has his love for the baby and the beskar and that can keep him going until he finds something new, everything else can be replaced?????? weirdly healing, though he is probably going to have a solid breakdown at some point after they get the kid back (shut up they are getting the kid back) and the cold distant fog lifts 

also this scene/shot feels like it carries some Meaning, doesn’t it? I’m on record several times saying I never want din to be mand’alor and that’s still true, but there’s something about the framing of this and the way boba looks at him that’s like... hm. I’m not sure I have the words for it. there’s something heightened about it, anyway, for a moment he looks like something mythic there in the wreckage 

(something I would be much cooler with is our clan of two growing a little bit and those new people rallying behind him, actually, that might be neat. imagine if a force user does show up for the baby and gets adopted into the clan somehow??? so many possibilities.) 

- from the way he picks up the silver ball... din djarin is on his way to straight up murder some people huh

I think part of what reassures me about this scene is the music -- this mando flute is not distant, is not beaten, is not despondent, it’s clear and determined and strong.

- 

I love this. I love when we get explicit baby POVs, it makes it feel so real and intimate and... like home. (I especially loved baby’s point of view inside the razor crest, which just made me tear up again. baby lost the closest thing he’s had to a home in a long long time on top of it all. everything is suffering)

-

Emotionally Significant Thumb Grabbing tm; the show

- din djarin looking for the ‘on’ switch on a magic rock fhsdakjfhsadlfhsdjah I can’t breathe

 “Well, this is the seeing stone. Are you. Seeing anything?” fsafkdsajhfsa sdhfksjalhfkjsdahfkjsdhf

- the energy around the baby as he’s, in ahsoka’s words, ‘choosing his path’ is blue, and the force sort of works across time and space, right?? so there’s definitely still hope for our lil green bean to not have to come up with a really dumb unsubtle sith name for himself, as is regrettably yet delightfully tradition. darth babbu should never come to pass (I do like how they’re interrogating the normal dark/light side dichotomy in this series, seeing as this is a literal baby who can’t really be responsible for that stuff himself yet and has such capacity for both.)  

- listen. listen, the way din says ‘can you please hurry up’ with no sarcasm or real impatience whatsoever, more like a harried worry, to his force-meditating son as he jogs off to make sure no one’s trying to kill them. is hilarious and also YES this is what the character is!!! weirdly and incongruously polite under stress sometimes and with a slightly odd reaction pattern to things!!! he’s not just quiet and badass, he’s a little strange sometimes and it’s so good!  

- a friendly opening volley warning shot from boba there

also din uncertainly asking BOBA FETT if he’s a jedi... now this is the dramatic irony I’ve been looking for haha 

I guess neither shand nor boba actually know din’s name after this either. baby you gotta start introducing yourself at some point it gets real confusing when there are two mandos on screen 

oh the long weary sigh going through din’s frame when boba says he wants ‘the armour’ and he thinks it’s just someone trying to peel the beskar off his corpse again. sorry the galaxy’s so shitty dad   

- “But fate sometimes steps in to rescue the wretched” is a killer line well done mr favreau. I like that boba actually offers din a good deal as well and seems to intend to deliver on it from how things are going. 

- din using his beskar-covered bod to cover someone he’s fighting alongside!!! literal moving cover haha. also I love fennec’s costume design  

- I don’t know where din got more whistling birds from and I don’t care, it was really cool haha 

-

wow haha um so anyway -- 

(cue all the ‘who wore it better’ with cobb vanth’s ‘spiderman’s first home made costume’ look on one side and ABSOLUTE UNIT DADDY boba fett on the other side posts lol)

- aaaghh the music almost like a stunned desperate fluttering heart beat as din watches the razor crest be destroyed 

- for someone who has willingly worked for them in the past boba sure sounds less than thrilled about having the empire back in any capacity 

- oof the deadness in din’s voice when he says “The child is gone”. ooooh no that got me  h e l p 

- guessing next episode is at least partly a ‘gathering old allies and preparing the assault’ step before the grand finale, then! they cannot go for the season ender cliffhanger with this, I will fucking riot. anything can be up in the air except baby and dad being separated, I will not allow it

it would be very funny if the force user baby called out to comes stumbling into the middle of all this like the troy entering the room with pizzas meme too 

- the music in the darth grogu scene is partially a dark mirror of the baby & mando music :’( is nothing in this world sacred

also from how he reaches out for it baby might have used a light saber before in the past with the jedi? ngl the idea of baby wielding the dark saber not when he’s all grown up but in like two episodes -- with all the chaos a toddler holding a laser sword would involve -- is all that is keeping me sane here 

‘liable to put an eye out with one of these’ well gideon you sure have doomed someone to lose an eye with that one, here’s to hoping it’s you, for full dramatic payoff 

he is a deliciously smug awful force with great musical cues tho, you have to give it to him

- okay so this

is obviously awful and horrible and it makes me so sad... but it is undeniably also very very very funny in how it’s framed. you know what? after all this bullshit baby grogu can have a little dark side tantrum, as a treat, we’ve all been there right

(forget finding a jedi, we need to go out there and find a child psychologist who can help him deal with this without adding the fear that he’s on the path to become a two foot tall evil space sorcerer to the mix Y_________Y) 

- rip the razor crest except for the second time :’’’( gone but never forgotten

- the last thing din tells the baby is “I’m gonna protect you; I’ll be back soon”. and I hope that stays with the kid somehow and that it actually comes true, that din will be back for him as soon as humanly possible and all this pain and fear can be repaired. ggggghhhhh my emotions are too big for my dumb human body 

[mikaze-discord]

OG Heavens: Love letters

For these Heavens posts, I had reached out to a few people who just never ended up responding. With projects like these, please at least hear them out, you don't have to do it because I know its a huge project but at least tell them you won't be doing it instead of ghosting them. But apart from that little road block, this project was really fun!!

Please enjoy under the cut!!!!

EIICHI OTORI

From @milkmateartist:

I have always leaned towards megane characters and Eiichi is no exception. However, it's not often you see idols wearing glasses, and that is something I appreciate about Eiichi's design. His color palette also intrigues me since I love deep shades of blue. His royal blue jacket is very attractive, and the way he pops the collar also makes me go "kya!".  His voice is also very sexy as well and is pleasing to the ear uwu. I love how egoistic he is too. Being incredibly ambitious he has been able to reach amazing heights that surpass other idols. The one thing that seems to make him unique though is that he really gets zealous and overly passionate when it comes to the power of music, so much that it makes him physically tremble. You could get high off that shit literally. His entire being is centered around being an idol, and all the components of him go above and beyond the requirements. It's not just a job for him or something that simply makes an earning or brings satisfaction. It's pretty much everything to him. For that reason he has made it to the top. There is also the component where he's lonely and isolated emotionally that interests me. Despite being a beloved idol, he clearly didn't get the love he needed growing up. Even though he had Eiji I feel as though his nature was more to protect Eiji and shield him from whatever terrors would arise. I admire his ability to come through all of that and pay attention to the things he really cared about. Eiichi can be himself, his strange, sexy self, but also he acknowledges the lonesome darkness within too. I think that component makes him incredibly powerful.

Extra Details:

While appearing to be a bad guy in the anime (at least), Eiichi seemed to be that typical bad boy idol that would steal away Haruka from the main group. The time when he approached Haruka and took her by the chin is a perfect example. How dare this new guy just think he can have his way with our protagonist!  To be honest I liked that aspect about him a bit. While I can't remember my first impression of Eiichi aside from not knowing how to feel about that, he slowly grew on me. He had the appearance of just another selfish idol, demonstrated by swiping the mic away from the announcer at one of his concerts and immediately declaring their foreseen victory. So far that looked rather bland to me, and I was still cheering for STARISH. They really made him out to look like some bad guy who would not play fair and do whatever he could to take the throne (and the girl).  It's not surprising his glasses shine adds to his 'freaky antagonist' vibe that the show seemed to try to give off, but however for me I love the glasses beam, thus having the opposite effect.

And then there is the Next Door episode. Now here's where we got to see more of Eiichi aside from when the HEAVENS Dragon demolished the entire stadium. Aside from kya-ing over the EiichiOtoya content (especially where he goes behind otoya and covers his eyes), I got to see more of him here. It surprised me that someone so cocky and confident was actually the same depressed, lonely person that Otoya was. But it was also evident to me as well that he did care about the effect it had on Otoya as well after he sort-of-well mind broke him. I like how he is ambitious but also still caring, as compared to an antagonist that would stop at nothing to achieve their goal regardless of how much pain they cause.

I also enjoy Eiichi because I feel like I can roleplay him well. Usually for me, roleplay has to achieve some kind of goal since I tend to be business oriented. I think to some degree I'm able to practice being a eboy idol through Eiichi, as I do enjoy charming the fans. It also helps that I can naturally play characters with an inflated ego who enjoy charming people.

From @/egoisticCEO on twt:

July 2019. When Eiichi was first introduced to me via his voice, I hated him from the very beginning. His singing, his appearance, his personality – everything about him made me despise him. It’s funny looking back and seeing how quickly my attitude changed towards him, realising I’d been biased against him because of a friend. Finding more about him, hate turned to interest. It seemed like his life hadn’t been the best. Maybe that was why he acted in such a way? Interest turned to liking him more. Maybe I’d misunderstood him. I’d made the mistake of taking him at surface level.

December 2019. Like was slowly turning to love. More and more, I found myself looking at him instead of my current favourites. I found myself wanting him to actually be a part of Egoistic. Once I started devouring HEAVENS Radio and unveiling his true character, it was shocking how quickly I fell. He truly acted like a father to everyone in his band. Giving them what he never received. Everything was for them to thrive.

2020. With how much I was at home, it only made sense I grew more obsessed. I found Life with Thanks’ translation. “We’re irreplaceable to him,” he tells us, and that made me certain that his heart wasn’t as evil as some people liked to believe. He’s a caretaker, someone who wants everyone to feel like they matter. Even at his own expense. Instead of selfish, he’s selfless.

I related to him more than I have to any character – it was comforting. Seeing someone have no choice but to put on a brave face, even when his confidence was at an all time low. 2020 got a lot harder for me, but when I recovered, Eiichi was like a home to go back to. Time and time again, I’d have to break away, but I’d always be invited back in by that stupid smirk and overexaggerated ego and the warmest heart you could ever find. Every scene I watched with him would make me smile. I’d tease him to myself. I still do.

2021. That brings us to now. I can’t see my love for this one of a kind man dying any time soon. I don’t want it to, either. Just looking at him makes me happy! He’s the type of character with so many facets to his personality that you can keep digging and never reach the end. So, in conclusion, I hope I never stop finding new things out about this wonderful idiot. More than anything, he deserves all the love he gives to others, and I’d love to provide it tenfold.

KIRA SUMERAGI

From Anon: 

Many have their reasons to love their favorite characters. As for me, why Kira Sumeragi is my favorite character is because there are several things about him that I can relate myself to and there are a few qualities he has that I like about him. If many do not know about Kira that much, they’d look at who he is. He may look intimidating at first and may not talk much, when in actuality, Kira is a considerate, dependable, and mindful guy. Mainly, he is the type of guy that lets his actions do the explaining. He is a hard worker, as an idol, he looks after his bandmates, HEAVENS, like family. It’s like what Eiichi said in HEAVENS Radio about Kira, “he is HEAVENS’ pride!” Although he may not say much, Kira is very observant of his surroundings and never hesitates in his decisions. The members of HEAVENS understand and acknowledge Kira, knowing that he means well.

You can even tell in his solo music! Although there are only two solo songs for Kira, if you read the lyrics carefully, Kira’s thoughts and feelings are shown. Kira always knew that if he cannot explain his feelings through words, then he’ll let his songs and his actions do it for him for you to see.  Although the anime doesn’t show much of Kira, the only way to get to know him more is through HEAVENS Radio, also drama CDs like Paradise Lost, and other media like LINE Messenger Japan. There’s still much that I’d want to know about him, but as a start, these things are what makes Kira my favorite character for HEAVENS.

From Anon: 

Aside from my huge bias towards OnoD the first thing that drew my attention to Kira was his design. Dark haired anime boys with bright eyes have such a vibe and I loved how mysterious he was set up to be in season 2. But the thing that really hooked me a lot was the found family that Heavens became over the progression of the anime.

Particularly since people in the fandom have a bunch of funky headcanons about Kira being the mom friend in the group, which is incredibly wholesome. Kira’s very quiet and reserved but clearly holds a deep caring for his group members and does what he can when needed which is one of the reasons why he became so loveable for me.

NAGI MIKADO

From @/_PXRFECTIONIST on twt: 

If I managed to stan Nagi, so will you.

Greetings. I present to you, once more, a story of how I came to love a character that I wished I threw hands with.

So.

Nagi Mikado.

The possible only utapri character that Shinomiya oshis despise. Thanks to what happened in the anime.

Truth be told, I too was one of them. Until I came to love Both Shinomiya and Nagi. Reason?

Research.

Ya see, it is universally agreed upon that the way Nagi was pushing and pulling at Shinomiya's trauma and DID was… Not okay. So I said "yeah okay what an obnoxious kid i dont think ill ever like him lol" especially since I never come to really warm up to people younger than me.

Boy was I wrong.

My heart really sways easily when I go deep into characters, and why they act the way they are. And also because I chose to roleplay as him, but let's not. Speak of that.

(its actually the main reason i like him in the first place who am i fooling)

Nagi is… Indeed obnoxious, and really has bad manners that are covered up by his cute looks and fame, especially since he's one of the original HEAVENS members, but once you get to really know him.. It makes sense why he's being such a brat. And that is sort of endearing. And knowing how his group is like family to him too, it becomes harder and harder to completely dislike him.

….

He really is a boss man.

He knows what he wants, and how to get it. He knows how to get people to like him without handing over the tiniest sliver of his weaknesses. He acts in his own way that shapes his personality to suit him, yet still manages to be caring and helpful, even if it's hard to see tenderness and good will through his aggression.

Reading his solo lyrics, listening to the drama CDs, even thinking of headcanons due to lack of lore, it all slowly comes together like a lovely parfait to suddenly make you realize..

'Wow…'

'I really do like that rat.

[eremosjournal]

Lost In Translation

When I punched in the word “eremos” on Google Translate from Greek to English, the first translation was “desert”. In reading the other English definitions, though, two translations stood out to me. The third, “lonesome”, and the fifth, “waste”. Lonesome and waste. I wondered how two words with such different meanings could come from the same translation.

I examined the words individually. To be lonesome- without visitor, companion or community. Not simply to be by oneself, chilling at home. To feel totally unseen and unheard, as if you could lie belly-up on the floor of a shopping mall, and everyone would go on walking without so much as a downward glance. If “lonesome” is a word inspired by the absence of something, what does it have to do with “waste”, a word that implies abundance? Is this to imply (with no malice to my single friends) that a lonesome existence is a wasted one? And how is waste lonesome when it seems to be the one thing our society creates in unison?

I need a nap.

Maybe it would help to look at the first translation of Eremos. “Desert”. I’ve read enough of the Bible and watched enough “Man vs. Wild” with survival expert Bear Grylls to know that the desert is surely a lonesome place. I recall Grylls saying that the average person with no survival skills, if dropped into a 130 degree desert with no water, would be dead in six hours. This, he insisted, was why he had to drink his own pee. (I cannot believe I watched this as a child.) Still, for its harsh conditions and all the extremes it forces humans to, is the desert a “waste”? The desert, though punishing, shouldn’t be considered a waste simply because it’s not habitable to humans. If nothing else, the desert offers us a reminder of the limitations of human life. Though willful and strong, humans are not without physical limits. We burn in the sun. We get thirsty and hungry. We get drunk at our mom’s nursing school reunion and wake up barefoot in a hotel gym. Universal experiences.

I feel that lonesomeness and waste provide similar reminders. Feeling lonely and creating waste in any form are symptoms of humanity. They’re inevitable deserts, droughts wherein satisfaction fails to reach us. Lonesomeness reminds us to let people in. Waste reminds us to pump the brakes on consumption. And though these experiences may make us feel bad, they aren’t design flaws. They’re signals that we have needs. It’s just a matter of discerning how much of something we need. Living in this age means I’m vulnerable to momentarily fulfilling experiences: parasocial connection, online shopping, accruing followers and likes. There are moments when the hyperactivity of society makes me feel limitless. But in lonesome moments and moments of waste I continue to find that things do, in fact, max out- my patience, my capacity for solitude, my credit.

Maybe I’m overthinking the translation. Maybe some Greek linguist will read this and go, “It’’s not that serious lol”. I simply want to underscore the peace that lies in recognizing your limitations. As someone who is motivated by achievement and accolades, I find it difficult to turn away from opportunities to challenge my limits. I have a rich collection of all nighters, debts, meltdowns, and emotional injuries all borne from my desire to be more than I am, to need less than I need. I thought the pain of pushing myself to my limit would make me stronger. And in some ways it did, once I was open to learning from my mistakes. But ultimately, it nurtured a stark disconnection from the world, and an unfair disdain for those around me who weren’t also pushing themselves to their limits. I  resented those who seemed to be able to accomplish things without effort, and resented myself for never reaching my own impossible standards. I normalized struggle, and in doing so robbed myself of any meaningful sense of enjoyment. Jobs, semesters, and whole relationships passed me by because I was so focused on the potential of everything that I never accepted perfectly good things the way they were. I normalized lonesomeness and waste, all in the pursuit of a satisfaction that could have been mine if I just stopped and looked around.  

In a world that encourages us to consume when we’re broke, work when we’re sick, and smile when we’re sad, it goes a long way to know when to stop. When to admit that we’re not equipped for the challenges of the desert. It took a lot for me to find that, unlike Bear Grylls, I am not a survivalist. No one is expecting me to be. And society is not a wild desert. It’s actually full of wonderful people who aren’t just here to hurt or compete with you. Don’t be so deluded by the mirage of merit that you lose meaningful connections. Don’t fail your basic needs chasing a lifestyle that’s not for you. And please, for the love of God, don’t drink your own pee.

[nightswithkookmin]

Imo there is enough to support the possibility of a romantic relationship, but you are writing full on narratives with impossible specificity. You know what confirmation bias is but some young impressionable people dont yet . Forgive me but misleading with ' alt facts' can hurt someone even if you dont mean it. I think you are a good person not looking to hurt anyone. But the way you postulate without any evidence makes your actions a little but like those of a charlatan. Peace and kindness

All these kind words you spew...

It feels more like an advice than a question so I'm not sure how to respond to it...

Let me just say thank you? I never quite understood what the brouhaha was about with my posts but after talking to a few people, 'on the other side' lol and reading your Ask, I think I'm starting to get a better sense of what the problem is.

Something about young impressionable minds or people?

Let the council of elders know, those are not my audience please. I cater to a much more mature audience- at least so far. The people that I interact with and engage with on my posts on and off Tumblr are very mature and not impressionable at all.

They are People with brains who can tell an opinion from fact and can engage in deep complex controversial conversations without throwing up, shedding tears or cussing through to the heavens.

If there are 'impressionable people' reading my blogs- they do so at their own risk. If you know any such people or they run to you with my theories kindly point out to them it's just theory because that's what my opinions are.

I think the best thing you can do is to advice such people to grow up if they are going to sit at the adult table or not read my posts at all. I think you need to learn to hold the right people accountable for their actions.

The best I can do in this case- to hold myself accountable, is to put up a disclaimer on my posts to let people know what it is that they are reading- something I do quite often. But I will make conscious efforts to put up those disclaimers each time henceforth. Thank you.

That I write full on narratives with impossible specificity:

Is this Latin for, 'you write fiction get the fuck outta here?' Chilee.

I don't even know what you mean by this exactly so I may not be able to respond to it to your satisfaction. Bare with me.

So what if I write fiction? What is wrong with writing fiction? Do you hate fiction writers? I don't get what the hate is with these complaints honestly. Do you want me to put up a disclaimer stating my blogs are fiction? Would that help? I would glady do it.

If it helps you sleep at night think of my blogs as fiction- a rose by any other name. I've been keeping up with Shakespeare. Lol.

I don't think it's that deep. Listen, you gotta understand that just because we both 'ship' Jikook don't mean we are on the same team...

Most alt shippers I know and who read my posts and engage with it are not even Army to begin with, for your information. They could care less about these shipping politics of yours. Have you thought about that?

Some simply ship JK and JM and support them because they believe they are members of the LGBTQ plus community not because they are part of BTS.

There are different communities out there who are also into Jikook- for very different reasons. You gotta respect that.

To you, Jikook is just a ship within BTS that may or may not be real, but to some of us they have very much outgrown that description...

They are a brand of their own, a power couple and members of the LGBTQ plus community- Gay Icons extraordinaire. I think we take very different stock in Jikook. So stop trying to fit us all into one box.

It's disrespectful to try and control the way that people perceive their OTP and support them. Jikook don't just belong to Army Jokers, they belong to different communities outside Army. Are you aware of that?

And please don't confuse the intersect. I am an alt-shipper yes but I just so happen to be an Army too. But if I wasn't an Army, I'd still pretty much 'ship' and support Jikook- make no mistake. There are quite a few of us running around these streets, you know?

So you have every right to want to gatekeep your Army Jikook- but you have to do that without infringing on other rights of other 'Jikook communities.'

Throughout my blogs I have tried to shed light on what altshipping is because I thought it would help bridge the gap but clearly that hasn't worked. Sigh.

Misleading alt facts

Do you not know what it means or you are just being ironic?👀

Why is it ok for you to believe and proclaim that JK and BigHit lied about JK dating the Tattoo artist but it's not ok for me to believe JK is telling the truth when he says he didn't date her and that BigHit saw an opportunity to kill two birds with one stone- hence why they didn't press charges against the shop for breach of privacy like they had said they were going to do. Instead, they had asked the shop to keep calm till the scandal died down on it's own?

You start your piece off with the whole, 'there is enough evidence to support a romantic relationship' between JK and the tattoo shop lady- I assume.

For context, this Ask by this anon is in response to my recent post/ answer on the tattoo girl scandal where the topic of discussion was on BigHit, JK and the tattoo artist and not Jikook perse.

A statement that is in direct conflict with JK's statement, BigHit's and the lady in questions, all denying that there was a romantic relationship between her and Jungkook- and somehow I am misleading who- who now with my theory??? Chileee.

Do you see the problem here? Double standards- the hallmark of bigotry. Lmho. You are literally doing the very thing you are accusing me of. Making confident assertions and claiming you know more about JK and the Lady's relationship and even have 'enough evidence' contrary to BigHit, JK and the Tattoo artist's statements denying the rumors- at least when I theorize I admit I'm being delusional. What's your excuse? When you say charlatan are you referring to yourself? You must be. Lmho.

Now I'm confident in my comprehension skills and intelligent enough to know when you make an assertion like this- it is your opinion and you are just stating your opinion. If you are not then honey you'd be opening yourself up to some serious litigation... goodluck I guess. Lol.

You are allowed to form an opinion about a topic. There is nothing wrong with that. If to you, JK and this person dated that is fine. I am not going to cyber bully you, stalk you, throw slurs at you, harrass you, dox you, slid into people's Dms to spread hate and lies about you just because I don't agree with your opinion. And for the record, I don't agree with your opinion. Hehehehe.

I have stated my opinion on the matter. I said I think JK and this person did hang out, go on dates but that there was no romantic sexual relationship between them because I believe that would have had much serious consequences and effects on Jikooks dynamics no matter how much they tried to keep a cool facade. Whoever felt cheated on would have acted more insecure than usual post the incident- how does this make me a charlatan? Are you saying it's wrong it have an opinion? Chileee.

Now if you can produce 'evidence' of them having sex or even kissing, then I will gladly change my mind on the topic and not sweat it.

Jikook have done way worse questionable things in 7 good years and people still don't believe they are dating. Jk hangs out with a female friend a few times in less than a month and suddenly he is dating her? Lmho.

You don't need me to tell you people are more eager to accept a heterosexual relationship than wrap their heads around the fact that two male idols are gay and in a gay relationship with eachother. Don't you just love it when homophobia meets heteronormativity and stinks? I do. Lol.

I mean this is a fandom that thinks JK is 'too touchy' and doesn't respect his boundaries- they practically swear JK is cheating on Jimin with every member any time he hugs, kisses, wings at within the group. You think they will be 'objective' about JK hanging out with a girl? Even if it happened once?

You said something about confirmation bias.... I will not touch it. Lmho.

This is not the first time JK has gone on a date with a girl. This is not the first time he has 'dated a girl', he has hand girls on his laps or whatever- what is a back hug? I think people need to stop defining Jikook's lives by their own standards. If a backhug is intimate to you. Thats you. If you think a grown ass man cannot hang out with a female friend, that's equally you.

You think if he thought it was inappropriate and risky he would do it 'in public?' Get with Kpop Idol dating culture. Lmho.

Do you know the lengths they go through to keep their relationships a secret? Especially non celebrity girlfriends? Chen from EXO got married and where is his wife? They keep their flings tighter than Trump keeps his toupee on his head. Lol.

They hide them not out of shame but out of love and the need to protect their loved ones. These idols have family members who have their restaurants and businesses shut down because they want to keep their privacy.

You think JungKook's girlfriend would- on her own, issue a statement regarding a scandal that Jungkook's agency had specifically directed her and her shop to keep quiet about and lay low till it blew away on its own? And later, started liking couple posts about her and JK? If they were dating, certainly JK would have dumped her after that move. In my opinion.

You think JK would let his fandom drag the person he is in a relationship with to the extent she loses her Job- when in his Itaewon gay pub scandal BigHit referred to the issue as his private affair immediately it happened? They could have kept the same energy with her, no?

They handled his gay pub scandal much better, with much respect and consideration for his privacy- if he dated her sorry but she mustn't have meant much to him at all. And if I were her I would have dumped him for that shit and not stay liking couple posts about us. Damn- But do you.

Taehyung was in a scandal with a girl too- did you see her liking posts and shit and going out of her way to do the most? Did you see how BigHit handled that scandal?

Nothing wrong if JK is 'dating' her or had 'dated' her and whatever person he decides he wants to be in a relationship with I will support him- that's why I support Jikook.

But your opinion is equally valid my guy. Just don't call me a charlatan for mine. You believe they dated, I believe they didn't- and to your impressionable young minds, I hope you are not selling them anything contrary to BigHit and JK's statement. That would be very irresponsible of you. Lol.

What else did you say?

Oh postulating without evidence...

Next time I write a theory based on my observations about Jikook, remind me to break off a piece of my brain and attach it to it- I guess that way people would finally understand when I say things like 'I think' 'in my opinion' 'I feel' 'I believe' that these are just my thoughts and opinions and not facts.

Let me leave you with this:

Peace and kindness. Namaste.

Signed,

GOLDY.

[kinkpluspositive]

House analogy: slaves and Masters

*Definitions and categorizations I will make here are entirely according to my point of view. I believe we should make more room for personal expression instead of “standard size” definitions in kink. Also, please ignore any gendered terms. I probably wrote it that way because it is shorter LOL*

There is an implicit hierarchy in the world of BDSM:

Master>Dominant>Top | bottom>submissive>slave.

Regardless of where I stand in this dynamic, there is a category separated from all groups in my opinion: slaves. This is a slave appreciation post.

Seriously… We need to have more respect for slaves. For real slaves... Not for those who become slaves just by saying they are slaves... When I say real slaves, I am not just talking about those natural(!) slaves. I am also talking about people who have noticed this inclination over time and honored the call of their soul. Slavery, which drives people with a very selfish desire to be satisfied, albeit with the satisfaction of others, actually pushes the person to face the biggest existential questions. It is not as easy as it seems from the outside, to surrender to someone. In order for you to feel this difficulty better, I have prepared an analogy that you can narrow down even while reading (also, I love metaphors). That's why it's a long reading. Let’s start, shall we?

Consider a house. You fill the house, which had only walls at first, with furniture, decoration items, clothes, etc. Some of them are necessary to continue living there, some that you love, and some that you do not even know why they are there… At some point, when you enter the house, you find that you cannot find a place to step in. This makes cleaning difficult over time, and one day you see that the house has turned into garbage! Can you bring guests to such a house where there isn’t even room for you? Even if you accept a guest, will that guest come to that house? How long will it stay? Advertise how beautiful the house is, how many people will become serious buyers after seeing the house?

So, what's the first thing you need to do to make this house livable?

To accept. Admitting that the house is uninhabitable. You cannot go on living while denying the obvious, pretending nothing is there, or, to take it one step further, staying at someone else’s place. Every house is different in shape, light and dark spots, and things it contains. It needs maintenance, repair, and sometimes even modification. How can you look for a solution that suits your home and take appropriate action without taking this situation as it is?

The next step after acceptance would be making some room to work. You don't have to throw everything right away. Even just storing them together for a while will help you better understand what you want to place back inside as you go through them one by one. While it will be enough to dust some of them, you will have to renew some or throw them away completely. At some point you will find that you need/want to buy new things for the house.

We come to the third stage, which I find the most enjoyable: You need to visit a store. To buy new things, renovate existing ones, or even if you're not going to buy something, to get an idea of ​​what fits a home, including your own... Maybe you can learn something from an article in a magazine. You will learn both what suits your home and what you consider important in other homes.

Now we come to the most disliked point: it's time to really redecorate the house! You threw away some items, you bought some items, but it's time to find a nice place for them in the house. This may take some time and involve trial/error.

When this stage is over, it brings us to the point of sustainability: Doing the last process with less intensity but continuously. When something breaks, repair it soon. Clean the house without delay when it gets dirty. Give up the things that you don't like or that expired, and create space for appropriate things… As long as you live in that house, what you need to do is to establish a healthy routine.

Only then can you create a space for a guest in your home. You will also be more selective about who you invite into your home because you now know the value of your home. Unlike others, it is not a huge pile of unconscious decisions. You have dealt with it yourself. Congratulations!

Now think of this house as yourself and the things in your house as your thoughts/beliefs/emotions and read it again.

In my eyes, a real slave is a person who has the power, will and even courage to do this. They are much more valuable in this respect than many Dominants and Masters I know. For someone who knows their own worth, slaves are not arrogant and it makes them humble. 

In fact, these things that every human being must do are of far greater importance to a slave. They show the greatest respect by recreating themselves on the way to make room for the Master. This is why true slaves deserve respect and a Master equal to them in this respect. May the real slaves be with the true Masters...

[the-blind-geisha]

Oof, I was gonna vent, but neh. I don’t want to give that person the satisfaction of it.

All I can say is: I’m here in this fandom to stay. I’m sorry that enrages you as you continue to compare your success to mine, but you need to get over it. I say these things because--believe it or not--by gods above, do I feel sorry for you. However, as everyone has told me, I shouldn’t feel bad for my success just because of how you act. 

So here’s some hot tips for you:

My advice(s) to you:

Stop checking the latest stories tabs on AO3. You’re only doing it to throw kudos around and comments in hopes of getting readers on your fic. If checking the latest new Overlord stuff really upsets you because you see one of my many fics there, then stop. You see my comments/ kudos/ ect and this frustrates you. I know it does given how I see you act when I update that fic. This is the healthiest thing you can do. Just sub to peoples’ stories and move on.

Instead of using your dummies to build yourself up, you could focus on bettering your writing. I’ve had a few people tell me that about you, and I have to agree this is the way. You’ve been writing for 10 years? Cool. I’ve been writing for double that. I’ve been writing since 1993, and I wrote nearly every day of my life. It’s like art--you have to work constantly at it. I religiously got into hopeless fanfic writing when I was in elementary school and kept going with it ever since pre-internet days. I only had random students in my classes and my friends ask to read my stuff. (This is comic stuff I’d do but.. the idea is the same. lol)

Just write. You don’t even have to post it to gain some sort of agreement from the outside world ‘you’re doing good’. Just write for you. Don’t write in hopes someone beyond yourself will like it. Take a chance and run with it.

Take a break. Step away from fanfiction writing and do something else. Draw more. Play games. Watch streams or something. Whatever. Hell, I never expected people would like my writing. I always wanted people to like my art more, but that got turned upside down on its head the more I wrote fanfics. People just love my writings more or my comics, because again--I’m telling a story with my works. You cannot control what the outside world is going to like more from you. Take chances. Run with it.

Understand that your friends aren’t going to love everything you make. I even have some that refuse to read Devil’s Contract because of the rape and abuse in it. This is more than understandable. I value their health over my views. I can only assume this side of you is dead and buried, but in case it’s not: know your friends have tastes. They’re not going to magically support you just because you’re friends now. Let them just support you from a distance if something isn’t to their liking. They shouldn’t have to comment on every update you make. They have lives and boundaries.

Your magnum opus isn’t going to be just so. You need to keep writing just to make things better. Your story that you think is the best--trust me--it’ll be a cringe fest when you look back on it in a few years. I have so many fics that I thought ‘this is amazing, and I cannot outdo myself’.... and then 2 years later, I look back and go ‘oh gods’...

Take advice from your friends you admire. They’re there to help you. And, trust me, they want to help you.

Hope these little tips help you get over this slump where you continue to compare yourself to me. =/ I see you doing it. You need to stop. You can get better at this. You just need tough as fuck love, and I feel I’m the only one who is brave enough to give it to you.

[joon-ipersgirl]

O7 - “the promising proposition”

genre: mafia!au, angst, fluff, slow burn, mystery-thriller

pairing: namjoon x reader (f)

word count: 5.1k

warnings: cursing (if i miss any, let me know!)

summary: charismatic. beautiful. fearless without question. the ambitious team of seven young men in charge of spiral, downtown district’s hottest new club go above and beyond to provide 100% satisfaction to their clients. 

after an eventful night out, you have no choice but to join the team for property damages greater than your intern salary. challenging a series of events that can no longer be left to coincidence, secrets threaten to burst at the seams as your professional and private life collide, and another - more sinister - debt is added to your total. 

how far are you willing to go to pay back your pound of flesh? remember, nothing is ever as it seems...

a/n: it’s been a minute but we’re back! winter break is here and i’m determined to write so here’s part 7 as i still work on my tae halloween fic (whew) and some more holiday related scenarios/oneshots. thank you all for being so patient and i hope you enjoy this next part. i only have one more pre-written part for this story so updates may be even slower lol. as always, send your reactions as they make me super happy lmao. thank you vi for beta-reading this and enjoy everyone!

full masterlist // series masterlist // previous // next

The four of you sit in Manager Kim’s office, tense. Well, three as Paul had ruined his chances during last week’s meeting but you know he can feel the heaviness in the air as you wait for Madeline’s decision. She sits comfortably behind her large desk after calling you in to tell you who’d be assisting her on the Cavallero project. Her large, black fedora is propped on her head at a dangerous angle as she has her feet kicked up on her desk, her signature steel toed boots accentuating her full black outfit. You’d spent the previous days in the breakroom trying to figure out what made this project a higher priority than the rest of the contracts you’d acquired and who would be the lucky winner.

“Lovely of you all to join me, though Paul you were not really needed.” He tries his best to hide behind Laura from Manager Kim’s disappointed stare, but to no avail. “I know you all have been eagerly anticipating which one of you lucky interns will have the privilege of working with me on the first part of the Cavallero contract. You’ll find out shortly as his assistant will be dropping off the final notes on what he expects to see at the event; I’ll send one of you down to fetch him. We’ll have a brief meeting afterwards and then get to work. The rest of you will work under that person, following their orders diligently. Now, I need updates on the rest of our projects. Where are we?”

You barely listen as James rattles off what he was able to accomplish with the Emmerson’s engagement party. You think his design is doable, chic for an event planned in spring, but lacking in some of the finer details you know the future Mrs. Emmerson would appreciate; she’s a woman after your own heart with her love for champagne, meals created by chefs with Michelin stars, and exquisite fine china. Of course Madeline would pit you against each other for this job though. Not that you mind, you’re more than capable of fighting for what you believe is mine. It’s just less work when it’s given to you nicely packaged. Like the gifts you’re sure future Mrs. Emmerson would like to receive from her future husband’s wealthy friends.

“Y/N?” You focus back on Manager Kim who’s waiting expectantly, her glasses slipping down her nose. “The Williams’? What’s going on there? Or have you not made any progress?”

“The Williams have signed off on the zoo theme for their son,” James interjets before you can gather your thoughts. “We’re looking into finding the best face painters in the city and we’ve almost secured a catering contract for the 150 vegan cupcakes Mrs. Williams ordered. The invitations are currently being designed based on the chosen theme and will be ready for client approval next week.”

“Very good, James. Please send me a copy of your notes to be added into the file. Y/N, I expect better from you. That’s everything I have for today. You’re all dismissed,” she finishes with a wave of her hand, her glasses sliding down her nose once again as she searches for one particular document on her desk.

You don’t wait for the rest of them to follow as you make your way back to the tiny cubicle-like room you share. Manager Kim normally never calls you out in front of the rest of them and you’re fuming. Tossing down your legal pad, you whirl around as the three of them enter the room.

“What the fuck, James?!” you hiss as he calmly sits behind his desk and resumes typing on his computer.

“Looks like the Princess is upset,” Paul stage-whispers to Laura as he too sits down. You ignore him. He’s just as irrelevant beforehand as he is now.

“What do you need, Y/N? I have to send the notes from the meeting to Manager Kim,” James responds, not looking up at you. Your face further sours.

“You read my fucking files?! That wasn’t your event to handle and you know that!” you yell.

“Well, you took too long to respond -”

“I had barely opened my mouth -”

“- and Manager Kim needed a response, so I responded,” he finishes, ignoring your outburst.

“Y/N, please calm down. We don’t want to make a scene,” Laura pleads.

“Calm down? Laura, he made me look incompetent,” you argue.

“But you are, Y/N.” You pause and turn to James once again. Disbelief is written across your face as you stare each other down. You were the imcompetent one? “You should be ready to answer any question about any event J&M has going on whether it’s your’s or someone else’s. It’s not my fault that you were never taught the basics of efficiency in a company. The job has to get done and I completed the task. Simple,” he finishes. His incessant typing is all you hear as you stare at him. James had never been this bold before. Especially not with you.

“Watch your mouth, James,” you tell him coolly.

“Furthermore, your failure in that meeting shows that you’re incapable of handling bigger projects. I mean, you couldn’t recall the most straightforward details of a birthday party for a six-year-old child. Why should Manager Kim trust you to work on the coveted Cavallero contract? You’ve given her no reason to. All you’ve done is eliminated yourself from the running, effectively leaving Laura and I. Which is no challenge because -  no offense Laura - you’re not really competition. I just hope you guys can maange when my hands are full with this project.”

You laugh as Laura cowers. You weren’t sure whether it was from the sound or James’ particularly harsh words, but the atmosphere in the room was much worse than in the meeting. Biting back the words you really wanted to tell him, you heed Laura’s advice and decide to not cause a scene. This is a professional establishment and you need this job. There are goals you want to accomplish and you wouldn’t let a slimy bastard like James Carter distract you. He’d finally shown his true colors - what he really thought of you - and you’re only grateful the others had been around to witness it.

“Alright, James. It seems like you’ve been holding back on us. Just remember: a word once let out of a cage cannot be whistled back again,” you tell him as you resume your duties at your desk. Flipping open a new page of your legal pad, you write neatly at the top: Emmerson Engagement. If James thought he had bested you, he had another thing coming.

“Are you okay, Y/N?” Laura asks as she joins you in the staff room for lunch.

“Never better,” you reply, sipping on your iced coffee as you warm your leftover lasagna in the microwave. Gods bless your sweet, sweet roommate.

“What James said to you this morning was pretty harsh,” she says as she makes herself a steaming cup of green tea. Always the health conscious one that girl.

“James seems to be tired of our shit,” you chuckle. “I’ve heard worse though, Laura. Don’t worry about me. He said some pretty harsh things about you, too.”

She nods. “I didn’t think he could be so mean! And counting me out?! I worked really hard on my designs!” Laura’s voice doesn’t sound too sure, but you nod in agreeance.

“Your bridal party design last spring was very well done,” you tell her around a mouthful of lasagna.

“Exactly!” she says in a huff as she plops down across from you, nearly burning herself in the process. “And your event was really good too! The one you did a few months ago,” she trails off. You laugh.

“Which one was that?”

“You know, the one for the family with that really fancy theme? And lots of people came...”

“Oh, the Winter Wonderland scene on the ice rink?”

“Yes, that one!” she exclaims.

“That was Marie’s project before she got transferred to Jenson’s team,” you say with a laugh. Laura almost chokes on her tea as you wipe your mouth clean. “No need for you to try and make me feel better by pretending to remember something I’ve worked on. I’m honestly fine,” you chuckle again.

“Y/N, I’m so sorry -”

“Y/N?” James stands in the doorway looking quite displeased. You raise your eyebrows at him in response. “Manager Kim would like to see you in her office. Please make it quick as I’m going to get Mr. Cavallero’s assistant soon.” You laugh loudly.

“Of course, James. I’ll be sure to let Manager Kim know you’d like her to rush her meeting for your convenience.”

He scowls as you brush past him, your half-eaten lunch and coffee in hand. Mercury must be in retrograde for James to think that he can make demands of you any type of way. It seems that you need to put him back in his place; he’d gotten too comfortable with the little office jokes you all shared. Grabbing your legal pad and pen, you smooth down the little flyaway hairs and your white button down shirt; you couldn’t receive another lashing looking unkempt. Knocking on the door, you wait for Manager Kim to answer before you enter.

“You asked to see me, Manager Kim?”

“Yes. Please take a seat, Y/N. I’ll be with you in a second,” she replies as she finishes typing on her computer. You sit gingerly in the unoccupied chair as you’d done this morning and wait for her to rip into you. “Right. Let’s get to it. What was that this morning?” You inhale deeply.

“Honestly, I was thinking about James’ event and mentally noting changes I would make as possible suggestions to him when you called on me. I wasn’t dozing off because I was bored,” you answer.

“Hmm. And what changes would you have made?” she asks curiously as she gives you her undivided attention.

“Well, the future Mrs. Emmerson is a woman of prestige. Class. While roses are a classic choice, white tulips are pre-on-trend and I think she would enjoy being a part of that group. He also chose the Dom Perignon champagne, but I thought Veuve Clicquot would be the better option. High price doesn’t always mean high flavor. I do agree with his choice of venue though. The high ceilings will look great in the low afternoon light and the white lights in the evening will make for great photos,” I finished. “But of course, the client is always right and if this is her chosen design, we’ll go with that.”

Manager Kim stares at you until you start to feel slightly uncomfortable under her gaze. You know you hadn’t overstepped and she had asked for your honest opinion, but when sitting in front of one of the best event designers in the game, second guessing yourself is inevitable.

“You didn’t think to say anything earlier in the meeting?” she asks.

“I wasn’t aware that giving opinions on other people’s events was ideal during a regular updates meeting.”

“You should speak up more. Your ideas aren’t as bad as you think they are,” Madeline says as she leans back in her chair. “How else do you expect to lead any major project?”

Just as you’re going to respond, a knock sounds at the door. “Come in!” Manager Kim yells.

“Should I leave? James did say he was going to collect Mr. Cavallero’s assistant,” you trail off, getting ready to stand.

“No. No, you’re fine,” she says with a wave of her hand. “Ah, Mr. Carlisle - oh! And Mr. Cavallero! What a surprise! I didn’t know you would be joining us,” Manager Kim says as she stands and you follow suit.

“I happened to have some free time and decided to tag along as Lewis was dropping off the notes. I hope you don’t mind. I thought it would be helpful to have me here in case you had any questions that needed direct attention,” Mr. Cavallero responds. “And please, call me Jonas.”

Mr. Cavallero, or Jonas as he would like to be referred to, is dressed in his typical big spender suit: a deep navy blue suit with a pristine white buttoned-down shirt and pre-released Versace patent leather monk strap shoes. His aura fills the entire space, though he only stands in the doorway of Madeline’s office. You can practically feel the gel between your fingers as you look at his salt-and-pepper slicked back hair; the sheen is almost as bright as his shoes.

“And Miss Y/L/N, yes? What a pleasure to see you again. Will you be sitting in on this meeting as well? Lewis could only sing your praises after you left,” he asks. You struggle to keep your face neutral as James’ searing gaze washes over you. You know Manager Kim’s ears must be red as her secretive meeting is foiled by her best client.

“Actually, I was just -”

“- going to bring the file for the event as you were previously suggesting. Right, Y/N?” Manager Kim says as she turns to you with a stiff smile. “You are our chosen intern, afterall.” You can barely contain your gasp as she says the words. You had gotten the contract?! James does not try to hide his shock at her statement as his eyes widen and his mouth nearly falls open.

“It’ll be a pleasure working with you again, Miss Y/L/N,” Mr. Carlisle says with a smile.

“Of course,” you reply with a deep head nod. “I look forward to working with you both as well. I’ll be back with your file shortly.”

“Thank you, Y/N. And thank you James for going to get them. You may leave now,” Manager Kim adds as she turns her attention back to her guests, inviting them to sit and make themselves comfortable.

You walk calmly, though you feel anything but that, across the room as James holds the door open for you. Pleading with the gods to be on your side, you race ahead of him to the breakroom for fresh, new bottles of water - a sight to see in a knee length pencil skirt and the infamous 4-inch stilettos that are apparently still required in this day and age. Your office is filled with hushed whispers until you round the corner and enter the small room.

“You got the Cavallero project?!” Paul exclaims. “Holy shit! You’re better than I thought, Y/N!” You laugh as you search your desk for the copy of the previous plans you’d developed from that day’s secret meeting.

“Congratulations, Y/N!” Laura cheers, bouncing up and down. “Your first real major project. Isn’t that exciting, James?”

“Sure. If you can be happy for someone who fucked her way to get the position,” he says biterrly. “Lewis could only sing your praises after you left?” James scoffs. “Sounds like you worked really hard in that meeting.”

“James!” Laura gasps.

“Oh it’s fine, Laura. If you think that James, I can’t stop you,” you say with a shrug. “But I’ll be happy to discuss my scandalous sex life with you after I meet with our coveted client.”

You prance out of the office with a smug smile on your face. Of course James would resort to a low blow because he didn’t get what he wanted; he was worse than the six-year-old child he had reprimanded you about. Tucking the fake file under your arm as the real one is still in Madeline’s office, you carry the bottles of water back to the meeting. After passing the bottles to your clients, you stand diligently behind Manager Kim with your notepad at the ready.

“Please Miss Y/L/N, take my seat,” Jonas says, standing.

“Oh no, I couldn’t.”

“I insist. I do my best thinking standing up.”

“He does this often in his office,” Lewis agrees. Glancing at Manager Kim, you gingerly sit down on the end of the chair after thanking Jonas again.

“You had mentioned that you enjoyed the designs Y/N had developed, but as you know these are drafts and can be changed as you deem fit, Mr. Cavallero. Are there any things that come to mind or can we work on finalizing these details?” Madeline asks. You watch as Jonas strides around the office, seemingly in thought.

“You proposed hosting the event at one of the upscale hotels downtown, but I was wondering if you had any other options. We want the environment to feel lavish, but not over the top,” he replies. “I was actually thinking of something -” he pauses “ - more intimate.”

Writing down his wishes, you rack your brain for places that fit his description. Most clients of his caliber wanted something extravagant, but Jonas was proving to be a very different man. Quite the surprise that you were not expecting. “Would you like something with more modern architecture or classical?” you ask.

“I have always been a fan of French architecture; the European style also seems to be popular among our own clients. Most of them come from European backgrounds,” Jonas answers.

“They might find the interior design reminiscent,” Madeline thinks aloud and jots it down.

“It could be very good for signing contracts, sir,” Lewis adds.

“I may have a suggestion. Chateau’s is a little outside of the city, but the view is magnificent. It’s family owned so that may benefit you with your clients as well. It also has a rooftop that would look great in the afternoon sun as well as the late evening should the event last longer than expected,” you suggest. “I’ve also read great reviews saying that the food is well prepared too.”

“This could lower your costs for your first event and more money can be reserved for the benefit gala you’re also organizing,” Madeline sneaks in. She’s right, of course. A benefit gala planned by Madeline Kim would require much more than what Mr. Cavallero had said he was okay with spending, but he didn’t need to know that right now.

“Hmm,” he ponders turning around. “This sounds doable. I’d like to see what you can come up with for designs for this new place as well as scheduling a visit to see it for myself. All of this can be done before the initial deadline of securing a venue, yes?”

“Absolutely,” Madeline responds and you keep your composure as you review your mental calendar of events knowing this would be difficult to pull off. Brunch is scheduled a month and a half from today’s date meaning you had to somehow convince Chateau’s to take on your client, create an acceptable menu, and allow you to make any decorating changes within two weeks to make the deadline. Madeline is batshit crazy, but it would have to get done to secure the benefit gala - the whole reason for the company even accepting this contract.

“I can have all the details typed and sent to you within the next week. I’ll also keep the downtown hotel as an option if Chateau's is unavailable for your intended date. I’m sure we can use the rooftop of a hotel to create an intimate setting that your guests would enjoy,” you add. “I would also like to request the location of the benefit gala. I understand this is a very important event for your law firm and I would like to begin drafting plans for your approval at the earliest convenience.”

“Yes, of course. We use the Finca Corte as they have the best grand ballroom in the city. Lewis, please send Miss Y/L/N the past itineraries of the event so she may have a better understanding of the atmosphere we wish to create for our guests.” Lewis nods and makes his own notes, before his wrist watch alarms.

“Ah, Mr. Cavallero. Your 4pm meeting is on time this afternoon. We should leave now so you aren’t late,” Lewis warns. Jonas nods and you all stood to say your goodbyes.

“Please, if you need anything, reach out to Lewis and he’ll get in contact with me so I can answer any of your questions,” Jonas says with a smile as he shakes your hands.

“Of course, Mr. Cavallero. Please feel free to do the same,” Madeline replies though you can hear the tightness in her voice and for the third time, you wonder what her relationship is with Jonas. They had to have had some history for her to always seem on edge in his presence.

“Let me walk you both downstairs,” you offer. J&M isn’t as large as Hastings and Lewis, but there are many twists and turns on each floor that guests could get lost in.

You don’t turn your head as you pass your tiny office space and head for the elevator. You wouldn’t give any of those fuckers your attention in the presence of high quality clientele. It’s cramped inside but not uncomfortable as you ride down from the fourth floor. Jonas turns to you once again as you stand in the lobby.

“Again Miss Y/L/N, if you need anything, please don’t hesitate to ask. Lewis would be happy to answer any of your questions if you can’t get in contact with me,” he says and hands you his business card.

“I actually did have one question before you go. Well two actually. Finca Corte - it isn’t a chain, is it? Just one location?”

“Right. On 17th and Main near the Grande Theatre, but the next block over,” Jonas replies.

“And there’s no need to call and reserve the date? The notes Lewis had given us hadn’t mentioned anything about the date or a deposit,” you state.

“No, the firm takes care of those details. The benefit gala is always reserved for the third Saturday in May every year,” Lewis responds. Three months from now, you think.

“Oh, wonderful. I know you have to get going so I’ll email you any other questions, Lewis. Thank you again. Please return to the firm safely,” you say cheerly and wave. They return it and you wait for them to get into their sleek town car before you let your face fall into a frown. You’d never been to or heard of Finca Corte before, but why did the location seem so familiar? You try not to dwell on it too much as you head back upstairs. There are more pressing matters at hand, like putting James back into the roach-infested place he’d crawled out of. You grin as you head off the elevator.

Rosalia greets you as you enter the old two-bedroom apartment you share. Slipping off your heels that you’re sure has blood crusted into the toes from excessive wear, you scratch behind her ears as she purrs. She’s one of the better things to happen to you in your life and you’re grateful for her little pieces of affection even though you’re positive she had made some attempts to smother you in your sleep so she could have your bed.

“You’re home?” Amaya calls out from her hidden position on the couch.

“Yeah! Did you make dinner?” you ask as you follow your nose to the kitchen where a large pot stews on the stove.

“Of course I did. We all know you’d starve if I didn’t cook,” she says as she bumps you out of the way to check on the food. You mock her as you sit down at the antique metal table that you rarely ate at, choosing to have your meals in the much more comfortable living room on the sofa.

“I could survive!” you yell, trying to defend yourself, but Amaya isn’t having it.

“You couldn’t. Was the lasagna okay today, though?” she asks, changing the subject.

“The best. You should really consider opening a restaurant and forgetting all this computer engineer stuff,” you tell her seriously.

“Ha! As if that would pay off these loans. Either way, this is an investment. Once I’m done with this degree, I’ll be able to program computers to make these dishes for me and rake in a ton of money to get us out of this place,” she says with determination.

Amaya is a third year computer engineering student at Oberman University. Surprisingly smaller than you, she carries as much kick as you do, the two of you getting into numerous instances of mild misdemeanors. Amaya had actually hacked a few systems after she had found out that you weren’t really registered for classes at the University so you could get some credit; she’s a computer genius. Thanks to her, you technically have an Associates degree, but of course Oberman would never grant it to you unless you actually re-enroll. Amaya doesn’t take anyone’s shit though she looks like she’s 12 with her big green eyes and short blunt bob, the bangs a little too long and falling into her eyes.

“Thank you for including me in your plans for world domination, Aya,” you say while taking your hair out of your bun.

“Of course. You know you’re family to me, even though you leave your fucking dishes in the sink,” she replies while placing a piping bowl of beef stew and white rice in front of you. You thank the gods for her as you tuck in, burning your tongue in the process.

“I love you. So, so, so much.”

“Are you talking to me or the stew?” she asks with a laugh as she blows her food to cool it down. You laugh in response. “How was work? Oh my gosh, did you get the project?!”

You grin and nod. “I did!” She squeals in delight and claps her hands. “Though James was extremely displeased. He actually called me incompetent -”

“Hold on. He called you incompetent? Has he seen his progress report? And wasn’t he the one that forgot to submit his file that made that whole project you did a few months ago late?”

“Right. He was so shocked when Madeline announced it was me, even insinuated that I fucked my way to get the position. Kim was heated that Jonas mentioned our meeting while he was in the room though because it was supposed to be a secret,” you explain.

“Of course he would say something like that.” She rolls her eyes. “There seem to be a lot of secrets happening around you. Speaking of which, when do you head back to Spiral to snoop?” Amaya asks. “Do you think you can find anything in the hallway? Maybe you should break into Suga’s office or something,” she suggests.

“Friday night and I don’t think Suga would leave anything lying around like that for me to see again, not after I’m pretty sure he caught me reading his papers a few weeks ago,” you reply, pushing the rice around the plate. That had been extremely careless and might have killed a lead to your mini investigation before it had even begun.

“The one with all that information right? Gosh, I wish you had my photographic brain, that way you could have written down what you had seen and we could solve this whole mystery,” she groans.

“Oh no, Aya. I don’t want you getting involved with this. It seems way too dangerous and you -”

“- have my whole life ahead of me. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know. But I want to know where this guy went. Like what if he’s still out there and looking for you?” she questions.

“I know, I know. I don’t want you worrying about it though. I can handle it,” you promise. “I feel like I’ve seen the address before though, but I can’t figure out where.” You rub your forehead as if you could magically make the numbers appear in your mind again. Aya’s photographic memory really would have come in handy.

“What about the date?” Amaya asks. “Or the name? You said the name was weird, unusual.” You nod. What had it said?

“There was a date, a location, and a name with an amount of money. Like a contract or something,” you sigh. “It looked really similar to the ones we have at work. Fuck. I don’t know. Between this and planning the benefit gala, my brain feels like it’s going to explode.” Amaya laughs as she finishes her dinner.

“Please don’t hurt yourself. It’ll come to you,” she says, giving your shoulder a squeeze. “Well, I have Calc 3 homework to finish and these theorems won’t do themselves so I’ll see you in the morning. Wash your fucking plate,” she finishes and pointes her finger at you. You hold up your hands in surrender as she leaves hers in the sink for you to clean. It’s the least you can do as she made all your meals.

Grabbing your purse and lugging it behind you after washing the dishes, you head to your room, Rosalia following in tow. Surprisingly, your bed is still intact which means that Amaya had made sure Rosalia hadn’t gotten into your room. Bless her. Not that there was much to get into as you the minimum possessions a person could have: a bed, a few photos, and enough clothes to last you a few weeks without doing laundry. You place your files and notepads onto your bed, eager to go and take a shower before organizing your notes in preparation for the debrief you would no doubt have to give to the rest of your colleagues tomorrow.

“Was your day as long as mine, Rosalia?” You scratch her head as she hops up on your bed and makes herself at home between your papers, a few of them scattering to the floor. “Apparently not as you want to make mine even longer,” you murmur as you bend to pick up the loose sheets of today’s meeting notes from the Cavallero project. You pause.

Jonas. That was the name that was on top of the paper in Suga’s office. What would be the odds that the Jonas on the paper would be the Jonas Cavallero you were working for? If that Jonas was the same Jonas, then was the location on the paper one of the events you were working on? How would Suga have that information? You sit against the side of your bed. Unless -

Yanking your phone out your purse’s side pocket, you google “Hastings & Lewis benefit gala”. Just as you’d suspected, the information is public knowledge: the third Saturday of May at the Finca Corte. There is no way in hell that Spiral is catering that event; they weren’t ritzy enough to be hired by the likes of one of the most expensive hotels in the city for one of the biggest events on the city’s calendar. Something is going on and you just know all of this is connected somehow. You just need proof. Maybe Maya is right. You’d broken into a few places before. How hard could it be to get into Suga’s office?

full masterlist // series masterlist // previous // next

ⓒ joon-ipersgirl, 2020

[moderatelydelusional]

i used to b allergic to pineapple, i’m not anymore and i just drank like two smallish glasses of pineapple juice and now my stomach hurts. now the thing it i’m not sure if it’s bc of the pineapple bc i also have cramps and have ran out of pain meds so i request a random hc or tibit about spencer pls (if you want to ofc)

oh my god you're a mess! lucky for you i have several reid hc's and tidbits, i shall provide three of each to satisfy your request

it got kind of long, so i'm chucking it under a read-more.

hc's.

i. spencer reid is in fact a vampire. i mean, it's obvious. hes tall and thin? moroi. sensitivity to sunlight? such a dracula trait. an obsessive caffeine addiction to warm his cold undead body? stefan salvatore confirmed this one himself. a lack of understanding of modern technologies and advances bc he's too used to the way the world worked when he was human? how very vampiric of him. and as a vampire myself i should've noticed the signs.

OK I STARTED WRITING THIS BEFORE I GOT TOLD I WAS PARANOID SO I'M GOING TO STOP MAKING UP DUMB HCS AND JUST FOCUS ON REAL ONES OK THANK YOU SORRY I'M NOT CRAZY

ii. reid and elle slept together. i think this is widely accepted? i could be wrong. i forget the episode, but he goes into her hotel room one night trying to get her to talk about what happened to her (being shot and tortured and all that). and she agrees to talk only if he drinks with her. so he does. and she does. but i believe what happened after the scene cut was silence, and then reid tried to get her to keep talking, but she didn't want to talk anymore and told him as such. there was a bit of professional hesitancy, but ultimately they both wanted to bonk so they did. and afterwards, elle asked reid to stay with her that night. so he did, cuddling her. and he made her feel safe for the first time in months.

iii. reid is a smoker. this is a relatively new hc but i wanted to share. i think he picked up the habit from his mother, though he'd never give her the satisfaction of finding out, and to call him out on all his failed attempts to get her to quit. i think he's very good at hiding it, but the team ofc know. i think jj also smokes, as does emily, so they'll have smoke breaks together. its a cross between being a coping mechanism for stress and anxiety, but also just habit. and he's an addict after all, and that trait has presented itself in more ways than just his dilaudid addiction. besides, everyone who smokes knows what it does to their bodies but the euphoria of dopamine the tobacco gives you is a really good persuader.

tidbits, alrighty here we go.

i. reid has plants in his apartment. now, this is not shown in the show but i cannot believe his apartment isn't equipped with several leafy fellas. he also has a skull somewhere and whenever people come over and see it they do a double take and ask "oh, my god, is that real?" and he's like "uh, its a real mould of a real skull. it's actually very interesting..." and cue storytime that makes you question if you should run for the hills from this man or if you're not in any danger at all.

ii. his beat up old car? it's his mums. when she was institutionalised he took over ownership of it and took it to dc with him. when the registration needed renewing he just got it done in dc and grabbed a dc registration instead of going all the way back to las vegas. i also believe it's probably at the end of its life and likely has died by now lol but i doubt he'd spend money on a new one. he's far too happy with public transport or walking, or riding a bike.

iii. hes a big oscar wilde fan. im pulling this out of left field, but since he loves edger allen poe i think he's also be really into wilde. i was going to say shakespeare but i think he finds shakespeare overrated since everyone is taught it in school and his plays are still so widely performed, but wilde on the other hand? niche. not as appreciated. but just as flippin amazing <3

[fanficflaneuse]

One Day - Part 9

A/N: Hello, magical tumblr friends! We’ve reached part 9! I can’t believe it. Thanks for sticking with me through this wild ride. Thing are getting really good here. Today I realized I have like 70 of them. Can you believe it? I never expected to have followers lol. Thank you all. 

For this chapter, all I want to say is that I don’t hate Astoria. I really don’t. Thank you for your turkish telenovela plot twist ideas lol, I’m definitely going to write something in that fashion sooner or later.  

Also, the novel I’m referring to (both in with the quote and the comments) is called “Normal People” by Sally Rooney. If you haven’t read it, I very enthusiastically recommend it. I couldn’t put it down. And now I can’t stop thinking about reader and Draco’s relationship to be a bit like theirs (better written and without a lot of the tragic subtext, of course). 

Anyway, let’s do this! 

Draco x reader (she/her pronouns) Word count: 1874 Summary: One day AU. Post-war. Since The Battle of Hogwarts, Draco and y/n meet one day a year.

Masterlist  

Enjoy! 

3 May, 2007

“You really don’t want to sleep, do you?” Draco cooed at his son.

“Da-da,” the eight-month-old baby babbled as he made grabby hands at his father. The blond man melted and took his toddler out of the crib, cradling him in his arms.

“What am I going to do with you, Scorp?” he asked as he nuzzled his nose. The boy giggled in response.

Draco tried to be the most loving father. Whenever he wasn’t at the hospital, he was pampering his son, playing with him and making him feel loved. Draco lived for Scorpius’ cute little chortles and he vowed to do everything in his power to keep his son laughing without a care in the world.

The day Draco held Scorpius for the first time, he was invaded by a bliss he had never experienced before. Draco realized that he had finally done something good. He had helped create a little person, a pure and wonderful little person. He, Draco thought, was his second chance in life. Even if the nightmares and the guilt still haunted him, Scorpius’ tiny self reassured him. And so, the boy became his everything.

This week, though, Draco had to admit he was exhausted. Astoria had moved to the Greengrass estate for a few days to take care of her sick mother. 

“Nothing too scandalous,” she had explained when he asked about the symptoms, “but she still needs her daughters’ care”.

If Draco had noticed something suspicious in the defensive tone she adopted, he said nothing of it. Astoria’s family emergency left him alone to take care for their toddler. Since she hated every minute of living under the same roof as Narcissa and Lucius, they had moved to a flat in muggle London. His parents hadn’t yet forgiven him for that. Throughout the week, it was Molly Weasley who had come to his aid. Much to her delight, she took care of Scorpius – as well as her grandchildren – while he worked. As he did his rounds, though, his son was in the back of his mind. Scorpius had never been without at least one of his parents before and Draco hated the idea of him thinking he had been abandoned. He’d floo back and forth from the hospital to the Burrow only to find a very smiling Scorpius crawling around with Albus and Rosie.

Thankful as he was for Molly’s help, the whole ordeal drained him. He was working double shifts and then going to their empty apartment to feed his son and play with him before he could even think about hitting the sack.

Regardless of this, every time Astoria owled him he insisted it was fine. Ever since he found out Astoria was pregnant, Draco made an extra effort with their relationship. Even before Scorpius, they had turned cold and awkward with each other, but Draco loved and cared for Astoria and by Merlin did he try. He was gentle and kind, he took her out for dates, asked with genuine curiosity about her day, bought her gifts and was as accommodating as he could possibly be. She had an agitated social life, with weekend getaways with her friends and constant dinner dates with her sister, but even if at times it meant sacrificing his own social life, he wouldn’t complain. Draco could even say they were happy.

At times like these, however, he couldn’t help the intrusive thought of what all of it would all look like with (Y/N) by his side. He’d supress those ideas immediately, thinking about how Astoria was the best mother Scorpius could ever have. Yet, an overwhelming sense of how incredibly plastic and sterile his relationship with Astoria was would still linger for a while, filling him with dread. He’d then try to push it back and shower their son with as much love as he could possible give him.

Tired as he was, Draco realized it was very late. Scorpius was still giggling in his arms. As he sat in the library, Draco grabbed (Y/N)’s latest book in one hand and held his son cautiously with both arms.

“I’m going to read this novel to you, young man,” he said, “And you’ll understand none of it. But hopefully I can enjoy it for a while and you’ll fall asleep. Deal?”

Scorpius’s glimmering eyes lit the world for Draco. He kissed his son’s forehead before starting to read out loud:

“Sometimes she felt like saying: Would you miss me, if you didn’t have me anymore?” Draco gulped before continuing, “She had asked him that once on the ghost estate, when they were just kids. He had said yes then, but she’d been the only thing in his life at that time, the only thing he had to himself, and it would never be that way again”

As he carried on, he couldn’t help but think that this novel was written just for him to read. It was, after all, about two friends whose relationship status changes throughout the years. He felt his heart heavy, wondering if (Y/N) ever thought about him not caring for her. Because he did. He cared for her very much. And he missed her. She had been living in Paris for the last four months and she’d come every now and then, but he still missed her. At times, he felt like he always missed her, even if they were in the same room.

“I did choose your godmother well, didn’t I Scorp? You’ll be nothing if not a well-educated, perhaps even a bit snobbish, lad,” he teased.

Much to his satisfaction, Draco noticed how his son was now peacefully sleeping in his arms. He walked to the nursery and put him on the crib, leaving the door ajar just in case. As he was about to crawl into bed, Draco heard a crash on the living room. He grabbed his wand and hurried out, determined to protect his son.

“Leave now, please,” he heard a hushed, almost panicky, voice say.

As he reached the living room, Draco faced something he never thought he would. A wide-eyed Astoria stood in the middle of the room. She was giving her back to him and, instead, faced none other than Theo Nott, Draco’s old classmate. He had a determined glint in his eyes.

As Astoria turned around to face him, Draco noticed a sense of complicity between the two of them. He gulped, realizing what was going on. The blond man blinked tears back as he noticed his wife sported a series of love bites he had certainly not printed on her skin. They were both dishevelled, lips a bit swollen. Draco also realized Astoria was wearing a man’s sweater.

“Draco, it’s not what –“

“We’ve been seeing each other for a while, mate. I love Tori. We’re happy together and I am tired of hiding,” Theo’s deep voice interrupted her.  

“Draco,” Astoria said, her voice sounded muffled, as though they were underwater, “Draco, listen to me.”

Draco stared at his wife as though she was a total stranger. The shock made him experience everything in slow motion, to the point in which he only realized he was actually crying when Astoria tried to wipe the tears. Draco pushed her away very softly, barely even touching her, and just turned on his heels. He stumbled towards his room, scantily registering what was going on around him.

For a second there he thought he was dreaming. He closed the door and put up a charm. Draco collapsed on the bed and finally heard himself sob. His heart felt genuinely broken. He heard the knocks on the door. Draco picked on Astoria’s conversation with Theo, maybe they were even fighting, he couldn’t tell. He didn’t care either.

As many times before, Draco felt empty, small and pathetic. And, as many times before, his thoughts went to (Y/N), wishing she was there to console him.

…

On the other side of the English Channel, possessed by coffee induced jitters, (Y/N) sat wide awake in her library. It was late and she was very tired, but she couldn’t bring herself to sleep. She decided to read Hermione’s letter, which she had postponed for a couple of days already.

Dearest (Y/N/N),

Four months gone and I still cannot believe you’re living in Paris. What a dream! I am really happy for you, dear. We have all agreed that a change of ambience could benefit you greatly, even if it means we won’t be able to enjoy your presence as much. Don’t make our great sacrifice of depriving us of your company be in vain. Remember you’re in the city of love, so you better not be glooming on your desk all day.

All jokes aside, please take care of yourself, (Y/N/N). I would be lying if I didn’t say I’m worried. Molly is worried. Even Ron – at times so daft and oblivious – is worried. Sleep well. Eat at regular times. Don’t overthink…too much. This whole poète maudit behaviour might be very fancy and bohemian, but it is, without a doubt, unhealthy. And we all want you – no, we need you – healthy and happy.

Lovely, I devoured your latest novel. It is an absolute hit. It feels so…so real, so visceral and heart-breaking. I cried thinking about how much of it is inspired by your real-life experiences. I have never met someone who experiences life the way you do, someone who has this way of conciliating the world through words. My heart goes to you, (Y/N), along with my admiration. I hope distance can mend your heart, so you can finally write some lighter poetry, like you did when we were children.

I am very busy with work, looking forward for a promotion over the next couple of weeks. With Ron we have also been talking about the possibility of having more children. As an only child, I would love my Rosie to grow up with someone by her side, although I must say she’s practically attached at the hip with Albus and Scorpius. However, I still cannot decide, you know? I feel like my ever-growing responsibilities at the ministry might get in the way of me giving my child – and potential other children – the attention they deserve. I do not think I could adapt as easily as Ginny did. She is doing great at her new post, by the way. But I do not see myself anywhere else. I know maternity is far removed from your reality right now, but I would love to know what you think about this. I already know Ginny’s perspective. I also talked about it with Molly and my own mom. I have read a couple of books as well.

Anyway, I will not bother you anymore. Please write back whenever you see fit. Do not isolate, (Y/N). We are all here for you. We miss you. We cannot wait for you to come. As soon as we have vacations, we will visit you as well. I am hoping for the day in which we can finally stroll together through all of those bookshops in Paris – muggle and magic.

Love,

‘Mione.  

tags: @fandomscombine @okaydraco @naomi02hook @iliketoast23 @hopplessdreamer @winnsmills @oldfashionedlovergirlsblog @animelover09556 @happycomb @xtrashmouthxtozierx 

[pomegranates-and-blood]

Sieghild’s Prayer, Part 1 (νοσταλγία Alt PoV)

νοσταλγία Masterlist

Pairing: Ivar/Reader (kind of)

Summary: Sieghild reminisces about her life as the Priestess’/Reader’s mother, as she prays to the Goddesses she knows will answer.

Word Count: 2.9k

Warnings: I don’t think many of the usual ones apply to this one. Death, mentions of it and death by burning if we are specific; but I don’t think many more. My horrible writing is one too but that’s part of the usual warnings too lol

A/N: The quote on the board/header is by Margaret Atwood on ‘two-headed poems’. As for the writing, there’s also something to credit: the poem/italic thingy is a piece by Edna St. Vincent Millay (Prayer to Persephone), that you can find here.

I don’t recommend reading this before chapter 12, ‘cause spoilers. You’ve been warned :)

Taglist: @youbloodymadgenius​ @heavenly1927​ @toe-vind-ek-jou​ @xbellaxcarolinax​ @pieces-by-me​ @angelofthorr​​ @samsationalwilson​

“You know me.” The King boasts, and Sieghild purses her lips.

“I would know Aslaug’s eyes anywhere.” Is all she gives as an answer. Kráka, the Danish men knew of her beauty and her magic, the women knew of her loneliness and her loss.

At the mention of his mother, the boy’s stance and expression tighten to a coil. He looks back at the shieldmaiden’s eyes and cocks his head to the side.

“What are you here for, hm?”

She prays she is not failing this quest; she prays the Gods are truly behind this. Let it be Freyja or let it be Persephone, but let her rest assured her daughter is looked over when Sieghild herself cannot do so.

She prays, and without much preamble states, “My daughter, I know you want her.”

“Your daughter?” The King mocks around a dismissive laugh, “And who is this daughter of yours? What’s her name?”

“You don’t know it. She doesn’t give it away easily.” The shieldmaiden is quick to retort, a small twitch in her nose that in her younger years would have been a snarl of anger. But the flare of recognition in Ivar the Boneless’ eyes is enough for her, enough for her to know that the Greek faced one of the most feared men in the known world and still acted as stubbornly and arrogantly as she knows her to act.

And it is enough for the shieldmaiden to know that, to her daughter’s salvation or downfall, it only makes the Viking all the more interested in having her to himself.

The King remains silent, looking coldly at the redhead for a few moments. But Sieghild holds his gaze, she has no qualms about rising to meet the eye of Kings, never has. And neither does her daughter.

“She’s not of our own.”

“She is still mine,” She retorts easily, as certain of this as of the Gods’ might. “I raised her, and I am the one that can offer her hand.”

The shieldmaiden bites back a smile at the way her words make the King falter.

“Her hand?”

“Stithulf cannot offer her marriage to you as an arrangement, for he has no claims on her blood or her family,” She explains, “She is free, and she is mine.”

“And you would be willing to give her up?” The boy inquires, piercing eyes searching hers, in them the very real threat of causing her a world of pain if she is to try and toy with him. When she nods, he pushes, “To me?”

“I do not want to, but…tis Fate that I do so.”

The King leans back on his seat, fingers by his mouth as he breathes deeply. Sieghild keeps her face impassive as she faces him.

“Fate.”

“Son of Aslaug, you more than I know of Freyja’s ways,” She answers without hesitation. “My daughter does not worship our Gods, but she does believe. And…maybe because of our Gods’ will, maybe hers, but her fate lies in Kattegat. I know she is to be left to you,” It hurts to admit this, it hurts like it did when she remembered the Seer’s words in that battlefield, when the foolish boy that once was promised her hand died in her arms and the world shifted one last time. Deciding not to dwell on it, the shieldmaiden pushes through, “And you know this too, don’t you?”

The arrogance, the pride, the satisfaction in the way the man now squares his shoulders, straightens himself in his seat does not surprise her; the spark of hope, of something innocent and fragile as he meets her eyes, that does. It also soothes at a part of her that has always hoped for a good life for her daughter, to see the man underneath the monster.

“Make your promise before the Gods and a witness then, shieldmaiden.”

A young man she assumes to be another son of Ragnar enters when the King calls for him, and after a few exchanged words, she is asked to make her vow.

With a deep breath and hoping this does not become one more of her regrets, the shieldmaiden vows, “May the Gods know Sieghild Vorsdottir, first wife to King Rorik, gives her only daughter to you, Ivar the Boneless, son of Ragnar Lothbrok.”

Be to her, Persephone.

All the things I might not be;

The child cries at night, she knows. She knows, but she does not know how to comfort her, how to promise her it will all be better when Sieghild herself does not know it yet.

The shieldmaiden struggles with the burden of caring for a girl with such light to her, with such gentleness and warmth. For all the grief and agony, that girl that is a daughter to so many remains enduring, even if with the stumbling optimism of a wide-eyed child.

“Look, Sieghild!” The girl calls in a giggle, appearing from behind a group of merchants with a bat in her small hands. The child looks down at the animal that burrows into her touch, and says, “They are sleeping now, they move at night.”

“I know, child,” The shieldmaiden offers, uncertain, inexperienced. But the girl does not mind, and when her eyes rise to meet Sieghild’s, the warrior finds herself smiling back, even if brokenly and unevenly. It is with careful approach, the gentleness of acting as a mother forced upon a woman used to being callous and harsh, that the shieldmaiden says, “They are messengers of Hödr, son of Odin, did you know?”

The child’s answer is instantaneous, “No, I haven’t met your Gods,” The strange phrasing makes a chuckle leave Sieghild’s lips, but she still brings a hand to rest in the girl’s head as she returns the bat and starts walking once again by the warrior’s side. After a few moments of silence, Sieghild feels big and curious eyes on her, and lowers her gaze to find a child’s hopeful expression. “Tell me about Hödr?”

She nods, and starts relaying the same tales she was once told, when her hair was wild and feet wet from the sea. And the child listens, eyes wide and smile easy past the agony of loss and the heat of repression.

And later that night when they have settled around the dying bonfire, Sieghild tells her about Freya’s magic, and her ways of war and love, the girl rests her head on her hand, looking up into the green eyes of the woman that takes care of her now.

“Do your Gods talk to you, Sieghild?”

“Sometimes, they aid me,” The shieldmaiden answers slowly, “Why?”

“Could you…ask Freyja something for me?” The child’s voice wavers, and she looks unbearably innocent and afraid. A burden no child of less than seven moons should have to carry. The redhead nods quietly, and the girl whispers, “Why did this happen?”

“You want my Gods to answer that?”

The child shrugs, “Mine haven’t.”

It is with a heavy sigh that the shieldmaiden leans forward, putting a hand unused to gentleness as gently as possible on the child’s face, and pressing lips that know only the taste of blood to seal a kiss on the Greek’s head.

“Suffering is just suffering, little one,” Sieghild whispers, her name and her story know this better than anyone, “If it is the Gods’ or the Fates’ will, I cannot know. What isn’t in the Gods’ hands is how you choose to act now.”

“What do you mean?”

The woman puts a finger on the metal amulet depicting the Twelve Olympians alongside the Gods of their Underworld, hanging from the child’s neck as a stubborn promise to keep her home, her legacy, close to her heart.

“You cannot choose what will happen to you, but you can choose how much you will let it change you.”

Like being a mother, Sieghild thinks. She never asked to have the girl with the fiery eyes and relentless spirit under her wing, seeking her guidance; but she has her now, wide eyes and tongue with unending questions.

And she chooses to let it turn her into what this child needs: a mother. Maybe not the gentle, poised, elegant one she once knew, but the one that can teach her the ways of the world, that can teach her to stand tall, to never bite her tongue.

That night, when they settle in the tent, Sieghild catches herself reaching with rough and war-torn fingers to soothe over the unfamiliar tresses of the girl’s hair. The child quietens, and a murmur of thanks in the language the shieldmaiden has been teaching her is the last sound in the tent that night.

Take her head upon your knee.

She that was so proud and wild,

Flippant, arrogant and free,

The Viking eyes the girl with curious eyes, but remains silent as she watches her talk in the language of the Roads, still so foreign to her Greek tongue.

“Touch me again and you will not have hands to touch with.” The Greek girl hisses without hesitation, and even if she cannot look at the men in the eye without tilting back her head, even if it is evident that she does not know how to end a life or how to defend her own; the shieldmaiden notices that everyone pauses for a moment.

The child’s parents would be proud, Sieghild hopes, to see their daughter become a woman in her own right, a leader that has not found her people yet, a ruler that needs only to fool a man into trusting her to gain control over the whole Mediterranean.  

“Is that a threat, vixen?” The merchant laughs, the distaste for the people with the Byzantine looks and blood not something Sieghild can blame him for.

“It’s a promise. Now, will you pay me for my work?” The young woman insists, and Sieghild sees every bit of herself in her own youth when the Greek girl straightens her back and looks at the Arabian man in the eye, a challenge and an insult all in one.

The merchant moves for the sword at his waist, but the shieldmaiden is quicker. The edge of her blade finds the man’s neck before he can move to try and attack her child.

“Oh, I should have mentioned I am not alone,” The Greek laughs, a false bravado guiding her steps, “Should I call for the rest of the Varangians, or will my friend here suffice?”

The man eyes her dangerously for a moment, but finally throws the pouch of gold at the girl’s feet, and walks away from her and the shieldmaiden.

“Sieghild, did you see me?” The girl calls forth in an excited whisper, both hands grabbing a hold of the shieldmaiden’s arm. When she turns to look at the Greek girl, she catches the tremble in her frame, the fear still making her mouth tremble.

“I did,” She acquiesces, “Girl, what would you have done if he had chosen to fight? There are no Vikings here to aid me, or you.”

“I know that, but he didn’t,” She answers, delighted in her own madness. “They know better than to pick fights with your people.”

For a moment the shine in her eyes would make Sieghild think her naiveté is born out of her age, but the Greek has the face and body of a woman now, the ambitions of one too.

No, that girl’s light is born out of stubbornness, not innocence.

As they walk out of the house and towards the road once again, horses at their sides and a world ahead of them, Sieghild asks her,

“Where do you want to go now, little one?”

“Where would you take us?” The girl asks instead, a shine in her eye the shieldmaiden hopes she never loses.

After a breath, Sieghild answers, “I would take you back to my home. The Danes would be beautiful by time we arrive.”

“I thought you never wanted to return.” The Greek argues, but in her eyes her mother sees the glint of curiosity, the pull to agree.

“The world has changed, child. We could find a new life in Scandinavia. Ragnar Lothbrok is rumored to conquer Paris soon, a Danish woman rules over his kingdom, Vikings are stronger than ever before.”

“You sound proud.”

“Maybe I am, or maybe I’m just overcome with nostalgia,” Sieghild concedes, wondering not for the first time if she should tell the child what the Seer of Kattegat once told her of her fated return to the coastal city. Instead, she keeps her eyes on the orange skies ahead, and murmurs, “Maybe the Gods are summoning me home.”

She that had no need of me,

Is a little lonely child

Lost in Hell,- Persephone,

She finds her on the same altar she found her the night the Christians burned her mother. The one sheltered by familiar woods, depicting the Goddess that was half monster and half maiden sitting on her throne.

The young girl is furiously cleaning the dust and dirt from the old stone, reclaiming the altar from the vines and weeds that want it for themselves.

Sieghild knows her child is aware of her approach, but the frantic hands still clean at the old stone, the breaths are still labored, the cries are still muffled past gritted teeth.

“Talk to me, child.”

“They want to make me Hiereia,” The girl breathes out, quickly, as if the words were trapped behind her lips waiting for a chance to come out. It always was that way with her, at the end. All barely-contained enthusiasm and prideful honesty in her tongue. “I have no idea how to be what they want me to.”

“Then don’t.”

“It is not that simple!” The Greek bites out, hands clenched into fists, “They needed me here, I was off traveling the world while they needed me!”

“You are not your mother, so they can stick their needs right up th-…”

“Sieghild, please,” The girl breathes out, almost a chuckle leaving her lips, “I carry her legacy, even if I like to pretend I don’t. They make me Hiereia, they look to me for guidance, they…see her in me.”

“And you are happy with that?”

The girl starts shaking her head, but stops herself. Since arriving into this warm and sunny city, Sieghild realizes, her child seems to bite her tongue so much more than even when facing Arab mercenaries, seems to keep her madness under control even if she didn’t when sailing on a downtrodden ship over the Aegean, seems to carry a heavier burden in her shoulders than when she was left in charge of looking over a village that had fallen to a plague.

And Sieghild cannot help but hate this city for it. Hate this city, its people, its Gods; for asking a free woman to be slave to her past, to her legacy.

The girl finally answers, hesitating, “I…don’t know if I want them to see me at all.”

“What do you want, then?” Sieghild asks, maybe callously, maybe brashly, but her child knows better than to think it is not born out of love.

“Freedom?”

“Are you asking me?”

The Greek shakes her head, and the shieldmaiden watches as she straightens her shoulders, steels her very soul for the storm her desires will bring. A part of Sieghild will always want to protect her, keep the child at her side so that she is certain she is safe from men and power and both combined.

But the other part of her, the part of her that taught the Greek girl to wage war and fight -in her own, strange ways- for what she wants, that part of her longs for the day she sees her daughter rise to the height she is owed.

And the Greek woman whispers, “No. I…want freedom, for my people and for me. I want…would it be wrong to want retribution as well?”

“Revenge?”

The answer is a simple phrase in the girl’s lips, “They took my home from me, mother.”

A few moments of silence, and the Viking offers her the truth she knows, “No, it is not wrong, little one.”

“Then that’s what I want,” The Greek sentences, standing up and facing the statue of her Goddess with a new kind of fire in her eyes, “I want to be free, and I want to make them pay for the chains. No matter what it takes.”

Take her head upon your knee;

Say to her, “My dear, my dear,

It is not so dreadful here.”

She watches from the darkness as they take her child away, as the frail girl with a gentle heart is carried off in chains. The shieldmaiden cannot keep the smile from her weary lips as she watches her walk with the stubborn pride of a noblewoman, the relentlessness her mother left her with, the resilience Sieghild likes to believe she taught her.

Her child’s fire is still there, and Sieghild wonders for a moment if the youngest son of Ragnar knows the kind of inferno he got himself into.

And the Saxons retreat with their debts paid, and the shieldmaiden has no place to go for her home was the warm laughter, the stubborn frowns, the gentle heart of the girl she raised as her own.

Still, she shoulders her axe and starts a path to wherever Freyja may take her.

She dreamed many times of bringing her daughter to Scandinavia, have her see how big the world truly is, past the Silk Roads, past the Greeks and the Arabs, past the Byzantines and their laws.

She dreamed of returning home, having left a wanderer and returning a mother. She dreamed many times of growing old looking over that stubborn child and watching her be happy at the side of a lucky man, of being gifted grandchildren to spoil and teach the ways of the Gods like she taught her daughter, of fighting again or being a rallying voice for young shieldmaidens and communicating again with Freyja the way she has always known: war.

She dreamed of many things, and for many years she has carried those dreams, those old hopes and even older pains.

But now there’s no time for dreams. She greets the faces that recognize her when she arrives in King Angantyr’s hall, trying not to react when an old name reaches her ears.

 ____

So yeah, idk, I hope you liked it.

Thank you for reading, part 2 will be up right after this one, hope you like it. Best wishes! <3