#same person described what i call being cringe fail to me

[look-at-the-stars-tonight]

people will just casually say things like “of course it matters! it’s important to you” and then I’ll think about that for hours on end

[aleksanderscult]

My unpopular opinion for today? The Darkling was terrible at manipulating people

And that mostly comes from the author's incompetence on the matter.

Back in 2016-2017 on Tumblr she was asked which SoC character finds difficult to write and she replied "Kaz. Because he's clever and cunning".

So for her, writing manipulative characters is difficult and actually explains the reason why the Darkling's "efforts" seemed comedic in S&B.

I still remember how posts from 2020-2021 expressed bafflement about where did the Darkling actually manipulated Alina in S&B.

His first, full conversation with her? He lied to her three times and tried to figure her out. What her views are, what does she know about him, has her judgement been clouded by other people's opinions of him, how she feels about her supposed destiny. Apparently she failed in each one of them and the Darkling decided to withhold information since he didn't find her trustworthy. It was too early and she was too immature.

I've written about this scene here but I MUST put this reblog here as well because it's ✨gold✨

So for anyone who believes he should tell her the truth from the very beginning uhh....have you ever been to a job with a hierarchy?

(You can also read a very good meta about their first conversation here from @theweeklydiscourse)

His additional conversations with her? They lasted only ten minutes (maximum) and he mostly tried to soothe her fears and assure her that since she'll have the Stag she won't have to worry about the strength of her power. So, me, the reader, am I supposed to think "That walk that he took with her and lasted for five minutes was so suspicious"?. Ahh...ok.

That first kiss? Boy wasn't it awkward.

It was like I watched two high school kids being kissed for the first time💀

I'm sorry but if that was manipulating then he didn't succeed at making the reader say "Now that seems shady" but wonder "What the fuck was that?". The same thing Alina wondered apparently.

If he wanted to manipulate Alina, why didn't he stay longer with her? Why didn't he spend more time with her? The guy was missing for days from the Little Palace doing his duties and even Alina said that she didn't see him much. So where was the manipulation?

To the first, awkward kiss where he lost control for the first time?

To their Winter fete make out where he almost lost his pants?

(Homeboy couldn't even control his own feelings apparently)

Leigh describes him as "manipulative" but we have no context.

So basically it's like "Source? Trust me bro".

We only have a couple of characters accuse him of manipulation but no scenes to base the argument.

His attempts, in comparison to other truly manipulating characters in fiction (like Varys, Tom Riddle, Petyr Baelish, Tyrion Lannister, the Joker), seem honestly pathetic.

When the author doesn't know how to write such things then her "manipulative" characters and their attempts seem cartoonish, cringe and childish. There's no real danger to make the reader feel like there's something wrong. His scenes with her in the Little Palace only included attempts from his part to calm down her worries and their kisses only made the reader say "Oh he fell for her!" (Which is kind of funny because this is exactly what happened).

The only instance where he was manipulative and good at it was at the orphanage scene where he lied about the Grisha children and his plans with them in order to draw Alina out.

Besides that? Nada.

And it's actually strange to me when people call him "so manipulating" and it makes me think "Have you truly not read other manipulative characters from other authors to compare?"

Because, personally, I have and the Darkling seems like an idiot in comparison.

And this is not me trying to water down the Darkling but say how Leigh Bardugo is so incompetent in writing manipulative characters and try to present him as a "master" of it.

Because he was not.

(P.S. the fact that Leigh once said "I don't want my bad guys to carry a label saying "I'm evil" because I think the real bad guys are much more tactful in their attempts" is actually laughable considering how she gave her bad guy a label when she called him "the Darkling", gave him black clothes and a fearful reputation from the very first chapter. That man really didn't stand a chance from the beginning lmao)

[darkdevasofdestruction]

Being in a relationship with Gaolang Wongsawat...

🥇It took Gaolang exactly 2.3 seconds of looking away from the King, when on a leisure trip through the kingdom - And King Rama was already chatting with some girl who seemed to be fangirling over him and how pretty he was.

🥇No doubt, a foreigner.

🥇This girl had a friend, who looked completely horrified at her friend's action, calling her rude and trying to drag her away (and failing), all while apologising profusely, to the point that she might drop to the floor and beg forgiveness.

🥇The duality of two friends.

🥇At least they didn't seem to have any kind of hostility... Unless you count the girl's thirstiness a hostility, in which case, he'll have to act.

🥇But King Rama seemed to be amused by their antics, and even looked at Gaolang and pointed out how they compliment each other in a similar way he and Saw Paing do.

🥇Gaolang cringed all the way across the globe.

🥇Worse - The fangirl proposed a double date, and although both you and Gaolang simultaneously yelled 'No!', the King agreed, for multiple reasons.

🥇One of them, the pretext that he wanted to show the two of you the Thai culture.

🥇The other... That Gaolang should go out and date more.

🥇Your friend agreed and said the same thing about you.

🥇You and Gaolang were silently sulking the entire time, completely unaware of what to even say. It wasn't that either of you was anti-social, but the situation as a whole was so rushed and uncomfortable, that all became a blur.

🥇Not that it was a problem for either the King or your friend who chatted up a storm.

🥇But then, something from the two's conversation catches the attention of the bodyguard, which although surprises him, also makes him smile.

"Y/N recognised him! She's obsessed with that MMA shit, of course she'd know the most famous karate fighter--"

"BOXING!" you corrected her harshly, only to realise you were in from of two strangers and you slapped a hand over your face in embarrassment and quickly apologised.

But your flustered and apologetic expression was so cute that Gaolang's heart melted and he started a conversation about your hobbies and what aspects of fighting sports do you like - Conversation that eclipsed the other two's easily, and made the time flash so fast that you didn't feel the hours passing by.

That night, you didn't sleep at the hotel, but at the King's palace, much to your dismay. You were pretty sure Rama and your friend had a hot night though, good for her.

You, however, didn't want to go sleep, so you wandered around the fantastic gardens - So many flowers, so many different trees, and the artisan fountain - Everything could be described with superlative words.

"Are you searching for my training spot?" the familiar voice of the boxer scared you half to death.

"G-Gaolang. Hi. Uh... N-No." you took a deep breath to get over your startling. "I... Didn't feel comfortable sleeping in a palace. It's beautiful and grand and all... But it's not for some ordinary person like me. And since this place has such a beautiful garden, I thought I'd explore and admire the place. It's not every day you get the opportunity to travel..." you found yourself letting out and amused breath. "Let alone being invited in a palace by the King himself... And meeting the Thai God of War himself."

"You flatter me." he muttered, seeing that you weren't being serious.

"Sorry, I don't want to make you uncomfortable... I mean, more than I did with this whole situation. I tried to stop her from approaching, but she's surprisingly much stronger than I gave her credit." he let out a small chuckle, guiding you forward.

"It's fine. I can show you around the garden if you want." of course, you agreed.

The first place he took you to was his training ground - It was mostly empty, save for a pole. He told you that he mostly comes here to meditate and clear his mind, and only occasionally works out here. He loves the nature and finds himself connected with it to the point of achieving a certain kind of peace that he can't find anywhere else.

Hearing that, you got excited, as you were the same - You always tried to find some time to take a walk through the forest around your home, or at least to the park - Though, going to the mountains or by the sea, in a place with as few people as possible, and just listening to the music of the world made you feel tranquil as nothing else.

The whole night, the two of you spent it on the grass, watching the stars and chatting about thing - Mainly, he'd tell you things about Thai culture, and in turn, you'd tell him of your own country. You haven't had such lovely company before, and it was surprising that you felt so at ease and comfortable with a complete stranger.

Though you must have nodded off a little at some point, he made sure your head was resting on his shoulder, and you were leaning on him comfortably.

The next day, though a bit tired, the two of you went to have some breakfast and a stroll through the city - Here and there, Gaolang would tell you little tid bits about every little store, and every random thing that he knows of decorations, statues and what not.

But as much as you enjoyed his company so much for days, you soon had to return to your home, which made your heart shatter. Though you were a bit homesick, you wanted to hangout with Gaolang more.

You thought this was the last time you'd see him - Only for him to ask for your phone number - It was a promise of reunion.

"Text me when you get home safe."

Your heart melted.

"Spending time with you was a great experience. I hope we'll see each other again."

Attached to that was a PDF with two plane tickets and two VIP tickets for the whole boxing championship WBC that was being held, coincidentally, in Bangkok.

🥇You were so excited that you could barely hold your excitement - You and your friend took a holiday from work and flew over... Though your friend would eventually remain with the King in the palace.

🥇Gaolang gave you the option of staying at his apartment for the duration of your stay, so that you wouldn't spend so much money on accommodation - All that while also apologising for sounding ungentlemanly - But you agreed, of course.

🥇No money wasted, and more, you get to spend day in and day out with your new favourite person? How could you refuse?

🥇He came to pick you and your friend from the airport, and first let your friend by the palace, then showed you his apartment, in this incredibly tall sky-scraper glass building.

"This -- This is beautiful! Did you get it like this, or did you decorate it yourself?" Gaolang smiled at you, seeing as you like his apartment. It was minimalistic, with soothing tones of white and light blue, but here and there, some Traditional Thai trinkets, statuettes and paintings were gracing the place.

"It's all my style. I had it done from the scratch." he informed, carrying your luggage in your room, watching from the corner of his eye as you danced around the place and admired every piece of decoration.

"You have fantastic taste. My home is a lot smaller than this, but it has similar colour scheme. Thought it's not white 'cause it gets dirty so easily and it turns yellow... I don't really have the time to clean everything every day. And instead of light blue, I have a specific shade of aquamarine." he could see how much you love your home by the way you talked about it. "Oh! Look at this - It's so beautiful... These colours are out of this world." Gaolang looked back to see what had captivated you so much - And it was a traditional painting of a peacock, that had gold used as paint for parts of the feathers.

"I have a peacock painting back home too. It's almost as big as the wall it's put on. But its colours are more... Watercolour based. They're very soft. But... This is the opposite, with bold, vivid colours, and it still maintains its beauty and grace."

"It represents beauty, wisdom, openness and purity in our culture. We generally value rich colours. The blue is a peacock's main colour - In Buddhism, it represents knowledge, as well as love, kindness and peace." Gaolang was happy to see someone genuinely interested in random tidbits - And he loves speaking of his country and culture more than anything in this world.

"Oh, really? Blue is my favourite colour. It feels so calm and peaceful. No wonder it has such lovely symbolism." he hummed in agreement. "Actually - I was wondering. Since you're so into symbolism, do the colours of your outfits when fighting mean something? I always see you in yellow and black and ---..." you suddenly stopped, slapping a hand over your mouth. "And I sound like a stalker fangirl again, please forgive me, I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable."

"Don't worry, you're not. Nobody asked me that before - People usually don't care about things like that, they just focus on the fighting, and I can't blame them for that. That's why they go to a match, after all." he invited you to the living room and came over with a beautiful coffee set and poured so elegantly that it almost fascinated you. "Yellow is a colour that transforms Pride into wisdom and uniformity. It reminds me not to get vain, despite the power of my right fist with which the Gods have blessed me with. That's why I generally gave up on public sports and became King Rama's bodyguard." though you might not have noticed it yourself,

Gaolang saw the sparkles in your eyes, pure admiration, at the way he was speaking so humbly. He was gratified and honoured. "Black has more meanings. One of them is that it brings a certain power when contrasting the gold, and it's used to show the unmatched power of deities... But it is also used to transform hatred and ignorance into clarity and truth."

"I've never heard of these meanings for colours, I'm fascinated. I could listen to you speaking all day and not get tired." that smile of yours was so genuine and sweet, that it encouraged him to speak more - That is until a weird guy spidered his way for tens of floors... Outside... And he was glued to the window.

🥇Gaolang's day was ruined. He wanted to let that dumbass fall to his death... To end this idiocy forever...

🥇But ultimately, he got up and opened the window, allow the idiot to get inside... And screech his name so hard that he feared the glass might shatter... For the whole building. It also startled you enough to flinch - This weirdo, with his weirdo grin and excessively loud voice was challenging the Thai to a fight.

🥇The look on Gaolang's face screamed murder. It was actually hilarious to watch them interact - And now you realised what the King meant when he mentioned his friend and how different he was. This must be Saw Paing, the eternal rival... And pain in the ass.

🥇From that day forward, Saw Paing would appear randomly, out of nowhere, and end up trailing behind you and Gaolang like a lost puppy, much to the boxer's complete dismay.

🥇Even on a date, he can't get rid of this guy - He almost expected him to appear from inside the soup!

🥇You even spotted him barging into the bathroom while Gaolang was showering - That was uncanny to watch.

🥇That is how you ended up gathering the courage to come up with different excuses to drive him away, when you wanted to spend time with your favourite person.

🥇Gaolang is at the Palace. Gaolang is running an errand. Gaolang is doing groceries. Gaolang is taking piloting lessons. Gaolang is praying at the temple.

🥇Gaolang is balancing the TV antenna on top of the building to get some signal.

🥇No matter how ridiculous it was, it somehow made Saw Paing calm down immediately leave the apartment, much to your relief. And Gaolang's too, as he was hiding.

🥇You started teasing the poor man, but quickly stopped when you saw how miserable it made him.

🥇The King made fun of Gaolang for adopting a puppy with his new lover - It was a painful joke to hear.

"So... Not to sound shallow, but I always had this... Maybe not criticism, but maybe... Curiosity." you sit on a comfortable chair near the railing from where you were watching the Boxing finale with Gaolang. "I like watching public sports... But I don't like the restraints. I get why they're important, but I want to see something with no rules, just an all-in fight until someone gets knocked out. I first started watching Boxing with dad when I was little. It was really fascinating... Eventually, I started watching compilations on Youtube, and... Of course, Muhammad Ali is a God, even compared to people now. Actually - I'd have liked to see you fight him." you smiled at him - And he nodded.

"It would have been an honour to face the great Muhammad Ali in a boxing ring, I agree." he acknowledges the match up with a smile.

"So, in a real fight, where anything goes... Won't Boxing be at a slight disadvantage? So - I found out about Muay Thai. Punches, elbows, knees, feet - It looked like a style where anything went... But soon, I realised, that this style is focusing a lot of the kicks, and not enough on the punches, right? So, my idea was - What if you combine these two styles? Will you get the ultimate fighting style?" Gaolang looked at you in surprise. Though his thinking was slightly backwards, having started as a Muay Thai champion and only then focusing on Boxing, the main idea was the same.

"Was that how you found out about me?" you nodded.

"Sort of. It's not difficult to stumble upon the name of world-renowned champions in any kind of subject. The internet is filled with that. I didn't actively search you. Instead, I was looking up some details about the WBC streaming, and a picture of you came up - Gaolang Wongsawat, the Thai God of War - Or something like that. It got me curious if you had any experience in your own country's national sport." you explained lightly.

"And I did." he nodded.

"You must be a beast when it comes to real fighting, considering you've combined these two styles and perfected them. I'd love to watch you fight." Gaolang blushed slightly - He agreed with that notion - Real fighting, like a real warrior, as opposed to an entertainer for a TV-streamed public sport. He didn't look down on the UFC champions and what not... But the real deal fighting always happened in the underground.

"If the opportunity arises, I'll have you cheering for me."

🥇And he did, as soon as he entered in the Kengan Tournament.

🥇You'd cling to his arm the whole time, listening to his fighting commentary through every match - It was fascinating how much knowledge he had, even of styles that he wasn't into.

🥇But you weren't a newbie either, so you surprised him with your own trivia and proper knowledge, which impressed him.

🥇You'd massage his shoulders and neck before a fight, and though it flustered him a bit, feeling your hands touching and trailing against his bare skin, he ultimately appreciated it... And wanted more.

🥇You also helped him put on his boxing coat - And he realised that he wanted you there for him for every Boxing match he had.

🥇And bring him water.

🥇And literally just stay there and look up at him with that angelic face of yours, and encourage him, even though he didn't need it.

🥇His fight against Kaneda gave him a revelation, and a proper friendship with that guy, and he started hanging out with the two of you quite often.

🥇Would also often speak to you of Kaneda's wisdom and drive to become stronger, something that everyone should aspire to become.

🥇It was also a reminder for him not to step into the succumbing darkness of vanity in which he'd often find himself in, when he automatically underestimates his opponent and thinks him lesser.

🥇He got humbled quickly in his fight against the Fang though - It was, by far, the most fascinating match from the whole tournament to that point, and even though Gaolang lost, you were grateful to have been a witness to it.

🥇You comforted and congratulated him for his fight, and though he was ashamed for his loss... He was clearly pumped up and proud of himself - He had a completely positive outlook on the situation.

🥇Even though you were freaking out when you tried to massage his right hand and realised that he wasn't feeling it at all, and it was very much shattered.

🥇You were so visibly afraid that he wouldn't be able to fight as he wished anymore, that he used that limp hand of his to cup your face, and he pulled you into a sweet kiss, smiling so tenderly at you that you froze and got flustered.

🥇But then he placed his forehead against yours, holding your face dearly, and thanking you for caring so much about him, his well-being and his feelings.

🥇It was easier to get through all the difficult times, if you were there, by his side, holding his hand and smiling at him so lovingly.

🥇You were also there to calm his anger down after his fight and complete disappointment at Saw Paing's giving up discourse.

🥇How DARE he give up? Pathetic.

🥇You're there with him during the coup d'etat, and you're afraid because every enemy has weapons and wants to kill the weaponless fighters - But your fear is that Gaolang's hand might really be put out of function if he tries to fight.

🥇So when the spear-guy leapt forward to fight the Thai who was the self-appointed protector of you, Kaneda and Cosmo - You took advantage of the enemy's attention being set on the boxer and grabbed the spear's long, wood handle and hit it hard against your knee, breaking it and taking the blade-half into your hand, threatening the enemy with a smug expression on your face.

🥇The greatest challenge is met when you underestimate your opponent - Or if you don't even consider them an opponent to begin with.

🥇Thankfully, the Chairman's bodyguards and whatever other assassin bunch he had came by to defeat the other enemies, so Gaolang's right hand was saved!

🥇It was also then that you confessed to him that you actually did know some martial arts, more or less because you wanted to find a fun way to workout, and kick-boxing videos were super cool to follow - Especially with music blasting in your ears.

🥇Also, because you were so interested in different kinds of fighting styles that you studied techniques and tried to apply them in real world - Punches, kicks, jabs... Though there wasn't much you could do without a proper instructor and a poor victim to practice on.

🥇Impressed, Gaolang said he'd teach you, although he wouldn't actually do anything to hurt you - He knows his power, so not even as a joke would he tried to even throw a feint at you.

🥇You can practice on him all you want, he doesn't mind - In fact, he probably won't even feel your hits.

🥇He's incredibly encouraging of you, and he wants to help you have a healthy life style (even if you already have one) - By this point, you may or may not have moved in together already, so it's much easier to do things together, like going grocery shopping (and watching him haggle with the sellers) and even better - Watching him cook.

🥇If you thought he was beautiful fighting, he was even more beautiful doing domestic things, cooking being your favourite probably.

🥇He also randomly finds himself humming or singing under his breath... It's usually his national anthem, or traditional songs, but his voice is beautiful, so you don't mind - The mere fact that you can hear him sing is enough to make you happy.

🥇But when you go to karaoke together, his friends all groan when it's his turn and he sings the Anthem. Again. For the hundredth time.

🥇Moving in with Gaolang also means moving in with Saw Paing, unfortunately.

🥇Yes, he becomes a good friend of yours, and at least he actually agrees to properly fight you so you can train -

🥇But he ended up barging in on the two of you trying to get intimate. Multiple times.

🥇At this point, you're surprised the Burmese is still alive.

🥇You, yourself, ended up leaping on him and strangling him, more than one time, when he scared you after getting out of the bathroom, after having taken a bath and walking out in a bathrobe only.

🥇You asked Gaolang if Saw Paing was secretly a ninja, otherwise you can't explain how he ends up in your house like that.

🥇But when you actually do get to be intimate with Gaolang, everything is beyond perfect.

🥇He's the perfect man.

🥇Imagine - Dim lights and soothing fragrances from candles, soft, romantic songs playing in the background, flowers, a romantic dinner and sooo many compliments.

🥇Small, sweet kisses that gradually turn more passionate, lingering caresses, embraces, confessions and so much worship.

🥇Everything he does to you, and especially the closeness of your bodies flushed against each other, suffocates you with the most tender love there is.

🥇Your intimate nights together aren't often, as you're both very busy people, and usually, cuddling together until you fall asleep is the most satisfying way of ending a tiresome day.

🥇He's a fantastic listener and an even better advice-giver, so if you ever need to vent out or you have a problem, he'll hug you and say "We'll solve it together."

🥇He took you with him to the Kengan vs Purgatory tournament and had you watching from the fighter's room - But immediately regretted it when you had to witness the complete shit show that all the others made, 'trying' to choose who'd go first.

🥇It was you who looked at him and convinced him to go, sure that he'd win and boost the morale and confidence of your side.

🥇He put his forehead to his - Your special, intimate gesture - You needn't say anything, as it was the only 'I love you' you both needed.

🥇Through his whole fight he heard only his name being chanted by your sweet, angel voice... And shockingly enough, Saw Paing's gritting one also.

🥇What the hell possessed him to bring a large flag with his name printed on it, and just wag it around?! The fisherman also had a flag... What a shit show.

🥇Gaolang was happy.

🥇He was motivated even more to win, and he dominated the whole second half of his match, and when he delivered the finishing blow to his legendary opponent---

🥇He lost by ring-out.

🥇He wanted to bash his head against the nearest wall to the point he wouldn't wake up anymore from the shame and disappointment he was feeling.

🥇Not only once, but twice now, he lost in a Kengan match.

🥇This wasn't only a humbling experience, but a humiliating and soul-shattering one, to the point that not even your embrace or comforting could stop him from hiding his face by keeping a towel in his head.

🥇Even though Tokita and Kano praised him for being the true winner, it meant nothing.

"HA! ALL THAT FAME - AND FOR WHAT?! THAT GUY IS THE SHITTIEST FIGHTER I'VE EVER SEEN! THIS IS THE UNDERGROUND, NOT SOME WEAK-ASS TV SPORT! YOU'RE JUST A LITTLE BITCH!" though it was the side of Kengan that had to choose first who to send for the next match, a Purgatory jerk was already in the ring, shaming the poor boxer.

🥇In a split second, you were dressed in shorts and a crop top, your cute dress discarded on the ground, and the Kengan fighters watched in disbelief as you punched Lihito out of your way and nonchalantly walked towards the ring, all whilst putting on Gaolang's boxer coat.

🥇Your name being screamed with distress fell on deaf ears, as well as any mock or taunt from your cocky opponent.

🥇Gaolang stared with wide eyes and sheer horror at the fight happening before his eyes - But he also wondered, how the actual F U C K could you fight so well?!

🥇Never mind, he recognises some of that Burmese idiot's moves - God damn it, Yoroizuka Saw Paing, you're dead.

🥇He jolted to his feet immediately once he heard you speak in the ring, after you delivered your first countdown worthy punch.

"You dare tarnish Gaolang's legacy and speak ill of his strength, yet you were knocked to the ground by a woman who has nothing to do with fighting. If anything, you're, by far, Purgatory's biggest pathetic disappointment." since when were you so shady?! And what's with that harsh, cold glare?!

🥇You were the sweetest, softest, most tender angel - His beloved sweet girlfriend...

🥇Ngl he was kinda turned on, especially as you must have been truly angry that someone insulted him, to the point that you went headstrong into a fight like that. Reckless! As! Hell! But so hot.

🥇The whole place either remained breathless or erupted into loud cheer as you finished the match by delivering Gaolang's own Flash and uppercut the idiot right in the chin, knocking him out.

"You made fun of Gaolang and his right fist... Yet in the end... You were defeated by someone dressed as him, using his most famous move, performed with a right fist." you glared down at your fallen opponent, wiping the blood from your face with your forearm, making Gaolang's head spin. "If all Purgatory fighters are like you... No wonder you need to rely on ring-outs and countdowns. You're fucked." you scoffed, walking back to the Kengan fighters - With that cocky fighter smirk on your face.

You don't even get to hear those guys praising your clean win as you're pulled into a deep kiss by the Thai boxer who didn't want to let go of you.

"Don't do that again, please. You scared me into an early grave." your only flashed him that sweet, innocent smile of his.

Marry me.

---

Being in a relationship with Wakatsuki Takeshi... Being in a relationship with Yoroizuka Saw Paing... Being in a relationship with Kure Raian... Being in a relationship with Tokuno’o Tokumichi... Being in a relationship with Kano Agito... Being in a relationship with Gaolang Wongsawat... Being in a relationship with Gaoh Ryuki... Being in a relationship with Narushima Koga... Being in a relationship with Hatsumi Sen

[corkcitylibraries]

Cork in Verse | Ana Spehar Interviews Cara Kursh

Cara Kursh is from the west of Ireland and has been in Cork for the last 8 years. She hosts a monthly spoken word night called Sling Slang and has previously hosted music nights and open mics around Cork over the years. She is a singer songwriter who will be releasing her single 'Lonely Alien' on the 3rd of March. She will also be releasing her album "Moth in the Moonlight" in the upcoming Summer. Her music has been described as being "rooted in the personal, and each song a visceral journey through the creative landscape of her mind."

You are organising Sling Slang, a spoken word night. Can you tell us more about that?

Sling Slang is a monthly spoken word night in Maureen's bar in Cork city. It comprises of two guest poets, my friend Richard Pierce is the MC, there is a communal poem written line by line by the guests on the night and an open mic as well. It’s a nice intimate little evening of sharing and I find it so rewarding being able to hold a space to see people share their words and selves amongst what is always, a receptive respectful audience. Every night seems to be so different, and I always have such an afterglow after it’s on.

Is there a common theme, structure or style that you find yourself leaning to in your poetry?

I am mostly a songwriter and usually write while listening to music. When it comes to my poetry, I find I can jot down a poem very quickly, in quite a free form, after I feel like something has had an effect on me. I do this to try and capture the feeling I had at the time. They are kind of like time capsules that bring me back to something that I felt or was registering in that moment. In ‘A mucky throne’, I wrote that as I felt anxiety going into a philosophy talk, and in the philosophy talk we were discussing how you can hold this idea about a golden life that you are striving and failing to achieve which can cause anxiety and trying to carve happiness by appreciating the life you have, can be the antidote for that. An ‘Aithnionn Ciarog Ciarog eile’ came from a moment when I felt a little bit alone, and a yellow ladybird landed on me while I was walking around town. It made me think of the people in my life that I feel are my kin, and how sacred I feel these connections are, and how they help me feel like myself. I went into the nearest cafe and wrote that poem after the ladybird landed on me to try and capture what I was feeling then. 

Do you show your work in progress to anyone?

I tend to share the progress of what I’m writing almost instantly after I’ve written anything. I used to care so much about how other people would perceive what I had written, I wouldn’t share anything. I think sharing my works in progress is a personal rebellion against the me that wouldn’t share anything for years out of a fear of judgement. I hope that doing this might help others do the same, as I know so many people that don’t share their creativity for fear that it isn’t perfect. If only one person connects with what I’ve shared and fifty people cringe, I still feel it’s a win! 

Would you look on writing as a kind of spiritual practice?

I definitely would see writing as a spiritual practice. I feel sometimes if I can succinctly try and describe something that is stuck in my gut, the release of that feeling/emotion can bring me such clarity and connection to myself. Even if sometimes what I write might possibly not make sense to someone else, I think writing things down creates a golden thread between the rational and spiritual sides of myself, which I get a lot from. 

What are you reading at the moment?

I am currently re-reading ‘Steppenwolf’ by Herman Hesse at the moment! 

A Mucky Throne 

What is in this current feeling, 

A knot, a lump

In throat, shoulders, heart. 

Friction like velcro.

Worry like lemon 

Juice curdling my milky way. 

My universe is static and still,

As I try to fight invisible obstacles. 

Chasing my tail. 

My story wasn't created before me, 

My essence has been imbued

In me & by me. 

The building blocks

I've used to make my tower;

I am the brickmaker & the bricklayer.

When I see my tower I make sure to protect it. 

By warding off other shapes I feel 

Aren't intended for it  

I reject the reality of a golden tower 

As I sit on my grey throne

Nursing my insecurities. 

In my dreams 

I can see a tree. 

Branches outstretched 

With an infinite periphery, 

A seat made just for me. 

The throne is not gold, 

It has roots, branches and muck. 

Singing serenely.

Aithníonn Ciaróg Ciaróg Eile

A beetle recognises another beetle, 

amidst a busy crowd. 

Amidst all that is 

dizzying, distracting and loud. 

When I am around these beetles,

I can feel the sense of their depth.

We are all linked underneath, 

far below, by sea bed. 

To see someone and know someone, 

And to be recognised, is magic. 

It's easy to trick myself into 

pretending that I don't need it. 

Real connection like the din 

of a hidden jungle drum, 

underneath layers of concrete. 

I want to support, and lean on,

My spotted ciaróg kin.

[blackstarising]

coming back to this post i made again to elaborate - especially as the ted lasso fandom is discussing sam/rebecca and fandom racism in general. there are takes that are important to make that i had failed to previously, but there's also a growing amount of takes that i have to, As A Black Person™, respectfully disagree with.

tl;dr for the essay below sam being infantilized and the sam/rebecca relationship are not the same issue and discussing the former one doesn't mean excusing the latter. and we've reached the glen of the Dark Forest where we sit down and talk about fandom racism.

i should have elaborated this in my last post about sam/rebecca, but i didn't. i'll say it now - i personally don't support sam and rebecca getting together for real. i believe what people are saying is entirely correct, even though sam is an adult legally, he and rebecca are, at the very least, two wildly different stages of life. for americans, he's at the equivalent of being a junior in college. there are things he hasn't gotten the chance to experience and there are areas he needs to grow in. when i was younger, i didn't understand the significance of these age gaps, i just thought it would be fine if it was legal, but as someone who is now a little older than sam in universe, i understand fully. we can't downplay this. whether or not you think sam works for rebecca or not, even despite the gender inversion of the Older Man Younger Woman trope, whether or not he is a legal adult, i don't think at this point in time, their relationship would work. i think it's an interesting narrative device, but i don't want to see it play out in reality.

that being said!

what's worrying me is that two discussions are being conflated here that shouldn't be. sam having agency and being a little more grown™ than he's perceived to be does not suddenly make his relationship with rebecca justified. i had decided to bring it up because sam was being brought into the spotlight again and i was starting to realizing that his infantilization was more common than i felt comfortable with.

sam's infantilization (and i will continue to call it that), is a microaggression. it's is in the range of microaggressions that i would categorize as 'fandom overcompensation'. we have a prominent character of color that exhibits traits that aren't stereotypical, and we don't want to appear racist or stereotypical, so we lean hard in the other direction. they're not aggressive, they're a Sweet Baby, they're not world weary, they're now a little naive. they're not cold and distant, they're so nice and sweet that there's no one that wouldn't want approach them, and yeah, on their face, these new traits are a departure and, on their face, they seem they look really good.

but at a certain point, it reaches an inflection point, and, like the aftertaste of a diet coke, that alleged sweetness veers into something a lot less sweet. it veers into a lack of agency for the character. it veers into an innocence that appears to indicate that the person can't even take care of themselves. it veers into a one-dimensional characterization that doesn't allow for any depth or negative emotion.

it's not kind anymore. it's not a nice departure from negative stereotypes. it's not compensating for anything.

it's patronizing.

it is important that we emphasize that characters of color are more than the toxic stereotypes we lay on them, yes, but we make a mistake in thinking that the solution is overcorrection. for one thing, people of color can usually tell. don't get it twisted, it's actually pretty obvious. for another, it just shifts from one dimension to another. people of color are still supposed to be Only One Character Trait while white people can contain multitudes. ted, who is pretty much as pollyanna as they come, can be at once innocent and naive and deep and troubled and funny and scared. jamie can be a prick and sexy and also lonely and also a victim of abuse. sam, however, even though he was bullied (by jamie, no less), is thousands of miles away from home, and has led a protest on his team, is usually just characterized as human sunshine with much less acknowledgement of any other traits beyond that.

and that's why i cringe when fandom calls sam a Sweet Baby Boy without any sense of irony. is that all we're taking away? after all this time? even for a comedy, sam has received a substantive of screen time over two whole seasons, and we've seen a range of emotions from him. so as a black person it's hurtful that it's boiled down to Sweet Baby Boy.

that's the problem. we need to subvert stereotypes, but more importantly, we need to understand that people of color are not props, or pieces of cardboard for their white counterparts. they are full and actualized and have agency in their own right and they can have other emotions than Angry and Mean or Sweet and Bubbly without any nuance between the two. i think the show actually does a relatively good job of giving sam depth (relatively, always room for improvement, mind you), especially holding it in tension with his youth, but the fandom, i worry, does not.

it's the same reason why finn from star wars started out as the next male protagonist in the sequel trilogy but by the third movie was just running around yelling for REY!! it's the same reason why when people make Phase 4 Is the Phase For Therapy gifsets for the mcu and show wanda maximoff, loki, and bucky barnes crying and being sad but purposefully exclude sam wilson who had an entire show to tell us how difficult his life is, because people find out if pee oh sees are also complex, they'll tell the church.

and the reason why i picked up on this very early on is because i am an organic, certified fresh, 100% homegrown, non-gmo, a little ashy, indigenous sub saharan African black person. the ghanaian tribes i'm descended from have told me so, my black ass parents have told me so, and the nurses at the hospital in [insert asian country here] that started freaking out about how curly my hair was as my mother was mid pushing me out told me so!

and this stuff has real life implications. listen: being patronized as a black person sucks. do you know how many times i was patted on the back for doing quite honestly, the bare minimum in school? do you know how many times i was told how 'well spoken' or 'eloquent' i was because i just happen to have a white accent or use three syllable words? do you know how many times i've been cooed over by white women who couldn't get over how sweet i was just because i wasn't confrontational or rude like they wrongly expected me to be?

that's why they're called microaggressions. it's not a cross on your lawn or having the n-word spat in your face, but it cuts you down little by little until you're completely drained.

so that's the nuance. that's the subversion. the overcompensation is not a good thing. and people of color (and i suspect, even white people) have picked up on, in general, the different ways fandom treats sam and dani and even nate. what all of these discussions are converging on is fandom racism, which is not the diet form of racism, but another place for racism to reveal itself. and yeah, it's uncomfortable. it can seem out of left field. you may want to defend yourself. you may want to explain it away. but let me tap the sign on the proverbial bus:

if you are a white person, or a person of color who is not part of that racial group, even, you do not get to decide what is not racist for someone. full stop. there are no exceptions. there is no exit clause for you. there is no 'but, actually-'. that right wasn't even yours to cede or waive.

(it's also important to note that people of color also have the right to disagree on whether something is racist, but that doesn't necessarily negate the racism - it just means there's more to discuss and they can still leave with different interpretations)

people don't just whip out accusations of racism like a blue eyes white dragon in a yu-gi-oh duel. it's not fun for us. it's not something we like to do to muzzle people we don't want to engage with. and we're not concerned with making someone feel bad or ashamed. we're exposing something painful that we have to live with and, even worse, process literally everything we experience through. we can't turn it off. we can't be 'less sensitive' or 'less nitpicky'. we are literally the primary resources, we are the proverbial wikipedia articles with 3,000 sources when it comes to racism. who else would know more than us?

what 2020 has shown us very clearly is that racism is systemic. it's not always a bunch of Evil White Men rubbing their hands together in a dark room wondering how they're going to use the 'n-word' today. it's systemic. it's the way you call that one neighborhood 'sketchy'. it's how you use 'ratchet' and 'ghetto' when describing something bad. it's how you implicitly the assume the intelligence of your friend of color. it's the way you turned up your nose and your friend's food and bullied them for it in middle school but go to restaurants run by white people who have 'uplifted' it with inauthentic ingredients. it's telling someone how Well Spoken and Eloquent they are even though you've both gone to the same schools and work at the same workplace. it's the way you look down at some people of color for having a different body type than you because they've been redlined to neighborhoods where certain foods and resources are inaccessible, and yet mock up the racial features that appeal to you either through makeup or plastic surgery.

it's how when a person of color behaves badly, they're irredeemable, but a white person performing the same act or something similar is 'having a bad day' or 'isn't normally like this' or 'has room to grow' and we can't 'wait for their redemption arc', and yes, i'm not going to cover it in detail in this post but yes this is very much about nate. other people have also brought up the nuances in his arc and compared them to other white characters so i won't do it here.

these behaviors and reactions aren't planned. they aren't orchestrated. they're quite literally unconscious because they've been lovingly baked into western society for centuries. you can't wake up and be rid of it. whether you intended it or not, it can still be racist.

and it's actually quite hurtful and unfair to imply that concerns about racism in the TL fandom are unfounded or lacking any depth or simply meant to be sensational because you simply don't agree with it. i wish it was different, but it doesn't work that way. i'm not raising this up to 'call out' or shame people, but i'm adding to this discussion because, through how we talk about sam, and even dani and nate, i'm yet again seeing a pattern that has shortchanged people of color and made them feel unwelcome in fandom for far too long.

coach beard said it best: we need to do better.

[sloppythots-com]

favorite girl

a/n:  i actually kinda like this, even if its mostly an aoc x reader fic-

word count: 912

warnings: fluff, cringe, bad pickup lines, unedited, 

women. they were so amazing and talented, never once had they failed to amaze you - including aoc. yes, you liked men too but that’s not important right now. what was important was trying to get aoc to break up with her boyfriend, riley whatever. and yes, you know you should never idolize politicians and such, but she was just too cute - you couldn’t help it. hearing her cute little laugh when you playfully flirted with her made your insides all giddy. and not to forget her replies to some of the pick-up lines, they just made you want to melt. if you were honest she was making the whole lobby melt with her cuteness, the chat too. 

while you were waiting for new people to join, you moved your character next to aoc’s and tried to sweep her off her feet.  “aoc, you know, when i was younger….” you trailed and sighed, waiting for her response.

“oh? what is it y/n?” she asked, voice filled with concern. cute, she was genuinely worried. you felt kind of bad for making her worry, but you gotta do what you gotta do. 

“my parents, they,” you paused for a dramatic effect and sighed once more, “they told me disney land was the happiest place on earth… they clearly were never in a discord call with you…”

she laughed, shaking her head. chat was flying by, some calling you out for flirting with a politician and how bad it was but you didn’t care. “that was super cheesy, but i loved it!” she exclaimed, laughing even harder. 

you smiled, happy could make her laugh. she was so sweet and full of life, you were more than glad you even got to breathe the same air as her. not only was she extremely intelligent, but she also had the looks of a goddess, how could you possibly control yourself? you were sure work was extremely taxing on her being, mentally and physically and you were glad you could at least make her laugh in tough times. a discord notification interrupted your thoughts, someone had joined the call. 

“aoc meet corpse, corpse meet aoc!” poki said, excitement evident in her voice.

“oh, hi aoc, y/n” corpse said, voice kind of quiet. he was probably nervous, i mean who wouldn’t be - you were playing with a fucking polititican. 

“hello, corpse!” aoc replied, very clearly smiling as she spoke. you couldn’t blame her, corpses voice could make anyone smile. 

“heya corpsie,” you paused and turned your attention back to aoc, mimicking a kiss noise in your mic as your googles touched, “for my favorite girl!” chat, once again, exploded. the others in the call all laughed, except for your favorite dead body - how only let out an awkward huff, not that you noticed or cared. 

after a couple more jokes and pick-up lines, the game started. you were, like always, a crewmate. you decided to let aoc have some space and ran off to finish your tasks, starting in navigation. you did your card swipe and began making your way to electrical, passing sean on your way there. as you finished your download, a body was reported. 

“it was in reactor,” toast made a little hmm noise and continued, “where was everyone?” everyone said where they were, or described it to the best of their abilities. 

“i think sean is a little sus, only because i saw him walk away from that direction…” you trailed off, waiting to see if anyone cleared him or had suspicions. 

“i, i think it’s aoc,” corpse said, slightly stuttering - poor baby was probably sweating in anxiety. 

“what! what makes you say that, corpse?” aoc replied, clearly shocked at the sudden accusation. 

you smiled to the camera, a perfect opportunity for a certain pick up line, “corpse! i agree completely!” 

“i didn’t do anything,” aoc mumbled, obviously confused.

“aoc...my dear beloved...vented!” you paused to hear the shocked gasps from the others, “into my heart!” 

the call was silent for a moment as everyone processed what you said, but was quickly filled with laughter from all your friends. aoc let out a little giggle, “you guys had me worried!” 

“aoc’s not denying that she vented….speedrun?” corpse asked, voice soft as he finished talking. 

“hey- wait ! i don’t even know how to vent-” the suspect tried to defend herself, but it was drowned out by corpse chanting ‘speedrun’.

“corpse you seemed so nervous and polite when you first aoc, why are you meme voting her out your first game together?” sean asked, a teasing tone in his voice.

corpse didn’t reply, too distracted with chanting ‘speedrun’. aoc was panicking, she had no idea what was happening.

sean made a little ‘ohh’ sound, finally realizing what was happening, “corpse, are you upset that y/n found a new favorite person?”

toast spoke up, “that explains his unusual behavior, normally y/n is using her terrible pick up lines on him so maybe, just maybe, he’s jealous.” 

poki slapped her hand over her mouth dramatically, “it’s all coming together!” 

“awww, corpsie! is that why you want to vote out my pretty girl aoc?” maybe teasing him wasn’t the best decision, but it was the funniest. 

he stopped chanting, and stayed quiet for a few seconds. “no…” he trailed off, voice barely a whisper. 

“corpse, my beautiful boy,” you laughed and shook your head, smiling so much it hurt, “you’ll always be my favorite boy.” 

taglist: @susceptible-but-siriusexual @badroseee @janndishsstuff

[johnkrrasinski]

illicit affair;

full masterlist

Pairings: Professor!Andy Barber x female!reader (AU) 

Word count: 2,898

Warning: SMUT!!!! fingering, blowjob (male receiving), dirty talk. (MUST BE 18+) 

Summary: you had been crushing on your sexy professor, Andy Barber since the beginning of the semester but he made it hard for you to focus in class. lucky for you, he was willing to give you the best lesson in your life though. 

a/n: this one’s written for @stargazingfangirl18​ and @navybrat817​‘s shameless hoes for chris writing challenge. i picked the prompt “your professor has a different kind of extra credit in mind.” hope you like it! leave a like and comment. enjoy! 

⭒☆━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━☆⭒

There he goes again, captivating the entire room with that dashing suit and tie, making it difficult for you to breathe. Andy Barber was the professor of your criminal law class. To say he was attractive would be an understatement. The man is the living embodiment of every girl’s wildest dreams. When you first took the class, with the hopes of becoming a social worker, you didn’t expect it to be this challenging. You were confident in your own work ethic and in being a fast learner. No major was too onerous for you to ace.

Until Andy Barber walked into the class on that first day and you realized he was going to teach you for the entire semester.

You had never had a man spellbinding you this badly before. You had a few crushes here and there, but not once did they make you feel the way Andy Barber does. And you knew that it was inappropriate to lust after your professor but, it wasn’t a crime if he is a divorcé and the whole class could relate, right?

It wasn’t only wrong but it was also cruel and unfair that he succeeded in making you lose every bit of your focus whenever he was around. No matter how hard you try to pay attention to what he is lecturing about, your mind would always drift away to nasty places that you shouldn’t even be thinking about visiting. No matter how hard you try to simply open your laptop and type away the vital points that you would need to memorize for final exams, you just couldn’t. It’s like you were paralyzed by his magnetism and oh, how well did he do it.

Like how you currently had a pen stuck between your teeth as if you were fellating it because you were imagining what it would be like to have those plump lips of his on yours and so your pen had to take the beating.

You didn’t know whether he noticed you at all from where you were sitting, you always choose to sit in the middle row, where you could still see things clearly on the board but you didn’t have to feel so exposed because sitting on the front row means everyone who sat behind you could see every movement you make and you would have to deal with the uneasiness of the proximity between you and your professor gave you and you had no wish to make it worse for yourself.

It wasn’t only that he was insanely good-looking but he was also a gentleman. He always charmed the class with his humorous comments and witty jokes while he was doing a lecture or simply when he called out a student who fell asleep. He always made himself available for his students who were confused about the subject or needed guidance on some complex topics. He always greeted the class with a warm smile and he always tried to understand the struggles of being a college student.

You had lost count on how many filthy dreams you had about this man, and how many daydreams you had lost yourself in during his class or simply when you were wide awake. He truly got you on a chokehold. A part of you would sometimes wonder, how could anyone divorce this man? If he were your husband, you would feel like the luckiest woman on earth. You wouldn’t ask for anything else in life.

“Any question…?” He ended today’s session by allowing the students to raise their hands if they needed some enlightenment.

Several students raised their hands and presented their questions and he answered them all eloquently. When there was no more question asked, he dismissed the class and all of the students got out of their seats and exited the room. You were still stuck amidst of your fantasy where Professor Barber was devouring you like you were the last tasty meal on earth and he hadn’t been fed for a month. The thought of his mouth lapping your juices as his beard creating delicious friction on your inner thigh alone was enough to soak your panties.  

You didn’t realize that the class was over until everyone had left and your professor called out your name. There were only the two of you now in the room.

“Y/N? Y/N! Class is dismissed.” He shook you out of your daydream with the gentleness of his voice.

“Uh, yeah, sorry, sir I was- I’m gonna leave now.”

“Are you alright? You zoned out a little there.”

“Yeah, I’m okay, I just- I… I was thinking… of… finals. Yeah, I was thinking of finals.”

“If you need a brief tutor, I wouldn’t mind.”

“No, no! It’s fine, really, I’ll manage. Have a good day sir.” You hurriedly pack up your laptop and stationery and you immediately ran for the door. But you were abruptly stopped by his voice that had slightly shifted its tone.

“Actually, I’ve been meaning to talk to you, Miss Y/L/N, do you have a minute?”

Oh shit. This is it. This is where he is going to interrogate you for always being absentminded throughout his entire session and you are probably going to say something really idiotic and you are going to embarrass yourself or you might even spill your own secrets and he is going to get you suspended and then-

“Yes, sir.” You swallowed the lump in your throat.

“Come here, have a seat.” He pulled a chair from one of the tables and placed it across his seat.

You nervously approached him and sat down as your hands trembled because if there’s another word to describe Andy Barber, it would be intimidating. His charisma isn’t only appealing but could also conquer his interlocutors.

“I’ve noticed that your grades have been slipping lately, why is that?”

“I just- I don’t know, maybe I’ve been really tired, sir. College can be really stressful.”

“I understand. But what puzzles me is that I did some background check on you and your grades in other subjects are doing really well. In fact, you had kept a solid 4.0 GPA for two years in a row now. So, what is the problem here, y/n?”

You gulped. Fucking hell, how the hell were you supposed to answer that? “Oh, don’t worry, it’s simply you being so ridiculously hot that you have been distracting me every time you’re lecturing. Maybe, I don’t know, if you could just bend me over on your desk and make me your girlfriend, that might help me take my mind off you.”

“I just- I’ve had a lot in my mind, sir, and it’s just- this subject is really hard,” you spoke meekly. “I promise, I will work really hard on my finals, sir. I won’t let you down.” You hoped that it was convincing enough so that you could carry on with your day and not sit here like a scared mouse.

“Final starts in two weeks,” he reminded you. “How are you going to convince me that you could wrap an entire semester within only two weeks when you have other courses demanding equal attention, y/n?”

“Um, I don’t know, maybe I’ll ask a friend to help me study. I’ll do whatever it takes to pass the test, sir. I give you my word.” Goddamnit, what the hell was he doing to you? Of course, you weren’t going to ask for anybody’s help, you were always the one who was giving help to your fellow classmates instead of needing one. Now you were just making silly excuses to get you out.

His brows furrowed. You knew he wasn’t going to buy your answer so easily. Andy took his job very seriously and it disappointed him to the extreme when one of his students wasn’t doing well in his course. It made him feel like he didn’t do enough in educating these young people. So when one of his students didn’t fulfil his expectations, he was going to address it and solve the problem together.

There was a silence that lingered between the two of you until he broke it off, “how far are you willing to go to pass this class, y/n?”

“Anything sir, I-, I care about my grades. I know I don’t show it enough but I won’t fail you this time.”

“Anything?” Suddenly, the expression on his face transitioned into something impish.

“Yeah, anything at all, sir.”

“How about I offer you a proposition?” His tone was sultry.

“You do something for me, and I’ll make sure you get an A+ on your test. You don’t have to worry about failing.”

“What do you have in mind, sir?”

Instead of giving you a direct answer, he stood up from his seat and sat on the edge of the table. His hands were folded on his propped up thigh.

“I’m gonna ask you one more time, y/n and I want an honest answer. No bullshit or the deal is off.”

You were taken aback by the word that he just used. It wasn’t very in-character of him to cuss, especially in front of a student. You didn’t know if he was a completely different man outside of the university, so this was certainly something you weren’t used to.

“O-okay…”

“Why are you failing in my class, y/n?”

You bit your lip so hard you thought it might bleed. Your lips quivered as tears began brimming in your eyes. You were scared of telling him the truth but you knew if you lie again, he would see right through you and you would end up failing his class for real and there will be no second chance. You refused to retake the same course next semester when you could be getting closer to getting your degree.

You drooped your head down in defeat. The eye contact was overwhelming you and you sucked it up and gathered every last bit of dignity you had in you to give him an answer.

“I… I’m attracted to you, sir.”

He nodded. What you didn’t see was a wicked smirk forming on his lips, as if he knew what he was going to hear when he made you confess. “Go on.”

“I can’t stop thinking about- about making love to you, sir.” you stuttered your words. You cringed at your own words. There was no way to unring the bell now. You just humiliated yourself in front of the person whose attention you wanted the most. He disclosed your dirtiest secrets and this was going to be your doom.

“Good girl. Now, we better not stall any longer, yeah? I’ve got another class in twenty minutes.” He sat back on the chair and ordered, “get on your knees.”

“Wh… What?”

“You heard me. On your knees, I won’t tell you anymore.” his tone sent a shiver down your spine. You didn’t know what was happening but you were excited. You got on your feet and before you could even take a step, he stopped you. “No, no. Crawl.”

You stared at him incredulously as if he had just told you a joke. But you did what you were told to anyway, fearing that you would disappoint him before the act could even begin. You got on your knees with your hands on the floor and crawled to between his spread knees.

You waited for his next instruction with your hands on your thighs as your head hung low. “Take off my pants.”

Without further delay, you undid the zip of his pants and pulled the waistband down along with his boxer briefs, just enough to let his enormous cock spring free. “Good girl. You listen well. Now… you know what to do.” He rested his forearms on the arms of the chair and leaned back on the headrest nonchalantly whilst still maintaining his gaze on you.

Shit, you always fantasized about him using your body but you weren’t actually experienced. Yes, you’ve had a few casual hookups now and then, but it was nothing like this. Your professor who seemed to really enjoy turning you into a puddle by simply commanding you around like his own personal sex slave.

“C’mon, sweetheart, don’t act like you haven't watched porn.”

You start by doing what you had learned from a few pornographic videos which is by stroking him with your hand and then you wrap your lips around his shaft. The taste of his pre-cum mixing with your saliva made you moan. His hand then went to grab a fistful of your hair to push you forward until his tip hits the back of your throat.

“Ah, fuck. That’s better.” Then he took the wheel from there, using your hair as leverage to guide you up and down at a moderate pace. He grunted as he threw his head back against the headrest. “Shit, that’s good. Keep going, baby.” A part of you was a tad elated when he praised you for something you had very little experience in. The ecstatic look on his face amplified the dampness in your panties, your body begging for more. He kept using your face to get himself off and you felt him convulsed in your mouth. He quickened his motion and then released deep inside your throat.  

A few seconds later, he pulled himself out after his cum painted your trachea. “Get up and bend on the table,” you did what he says and pressed your cheek on the wooden surface. “Who knew a 4.0 GPA student like you would be such a dirty slut? You might fool everyone but you can’t fool me, baby.”

He lifted the hem of your plaid skirt and smacked your buttocks with both of his hands, leaving a fiery red handprint on your buttcheeks. You yelped as it echoed on the walls. He pushed aside the crotch of your underwear, and he inserted two of his fingers inside soaked holes, scissoring you wide open for him. You moaned in pleasure as you gripped the edge of the table.

“Fucking slut. I’ve barely touched you and you’re already this wet for me?” You didn’t answer as you continued to cry out. He smacked your left bum once more, “answer me!”

“Yes! Yes, sir.” You stammered between your ragged breathing.

“Is this why you can’t get your shit together? ‘Cause you keep fantasizing about my fingers buried deep in your needy cunt?”

“Yes sir…” your voice quaked.

“Extra points for honesty.” He retreated his fingers and replaced it with his cock. The unwarned intrusion sent a jolt through your body. You squealed in shock as you closed your eyes, trying to adjust yourself to his size. “Ah fuck, you’re so tight.” His hand went to your hair once more and grabbed a fistful of it as he began driving his hips forward. The friction in your G-spot sent electricity through your veins.

He didn’t waste any time by picking up the pace as he lifted your head and brought it closer to his, making you look up to him. “Does that feel good, baby? Is this how you imagined?” He kept thrusting brutally in between his foul words. “yes… Sir. You feel so good around me.” He pecked a brief kiss on your lips and kept pounding you like an animal.

A few more violent strikes and you clenched around him, pushing him to the edge along with you. “Cum baby, show me what a dirty whore you are.” You shut your eyes as you felt the tightening coil in your belly and then it burst, your orgasm dripping all over your thighs. Andy was so close to his climax and a few more deep-seated thrusts, he reached his own and he ejaculated deep inside your womb.

You tried to regain control over your breathing with Andy still engulfed in you. A few minutes later, you both came down from your highs as Andy pulled himself out of you. He put his pants back on and threw himself back on the chair. You stood up on your wobbly legs as you felt your panties squelch with both yours and Andy’s cum blended.

You straighten your rumpled skirt and shirt, as Andy did so with his tie. “You should go, don’t you have another class?”

“I do, but… Did I pass the test, sir?” you batted your lashes at him. The fear and agitation that were there ten minutes ago had dissolved.  

He chuckled at your coquettish remark. He stood up from his chair and closed the distance between you. “Yes sweetheart, you passed the test.”

You beamed as you bit your lip once more. “If you got another test for me, I wouldn’t mind…” you spoke timidly.

“You really are something, aren’t you?”

You shrugged, “I’ve got layers, sir.”

He looked at his watch and realized that he only had five minutes left for his next session. “You are dismissed… For now. I’ve got more lessons that I’d like to teach you, baby.” He winked at you and pecked your lips.

“I’ll be looking forward to our next class, sir.” You packed up your bags and exited to the hall. Looks like you just bent every rule of the university, but you had no doubt in mind that you would do it over and over and over again for your favourite professor.

[ice-assiest]

☾ MOON CHILD ☽ Part 2. Bolin x Bloodbender Reader

♡ part one 

 ♡ word count: 9k omg I’m sorry y’all also thank you so much for the positive feedback from the first part it literally means the world to me

♡ requested by: @the-quackson-brothers​ !!!

♡ “maybe do where the reader is Sokka’s child/grandchild and they have Sokka personality but with more shyness to it! The reader is a waterbender and blood bender but no one knows expect for Korra and Katara. Reader uses it against Amon." 

♡ Pairing: Bolin x Bloodbender Reader (Grandchild of Sokka)

♡ Warnings: nothing crazy! the teeniest bit of steam at the end and an old man w sharp teeth

“Let’s check out Bolin’s usual hangout first.” Mako suggested as the both of you uncomfortably shifted up and down on Naga’s back, still getting used to the feel.

“Alright, just show me the way.” Korra skillfully lead the polar bear dog.

The sounds of the city were loud in your ears, reminding you of its busyness. You watched as the shadows of people entered and exited buildings, the chances of finding Bolin seeming slimmer and slimmer.

“I think we should split up.”

“Huh?” Korra turned around, her expression filled with concern.

“It’s just, I think we need to find him quickly. You and Mako can go to where we were going to go, and I want check the Cactus Juice Bar.”

“(Y/N), I don’t know that sounds dangerous. You don’t know the city well and I don’t want you to get lost or hurt-“ Korra began, but it was you who cut her off.

“I’ll be alright Korra, trust me.” She quietly looked back at you, signaling Naga to stop. The three of you got off of the polar bear dog but Korra pulled you to the side.

“(Y/N), I trust you. I know this is something you already think about all the time but no matter what happens you can’t let people know you’re a blood bender. It’s illegal. And I know you like Bolin a lot, just don’t do something crazy.” She said with a whisper, glancing around her before proceeding, “Not that you would do it anyways, just be safe.” A sigh left her mouth and you could see the distress in her face.

You reached up to give her a hug but stopped in your tracks.

Clink.

Your head quickly turned to the direction of the sound, eyes scanning the dark alleyway besides the both of you.

“(Y/N)! Are you even paying attention?”

“Yes! I promise I was! I feel like I should be the one warning you not to do anything crazy, now go have fun on your date with Mako!” You teased, her eyes widened at your words.

“You ready to go?” Mako called out from besides Naga.

“Yeah!” She responded, giving you one final look over before joining him. You waved to the both of them as you watched them ride off into the distance. Now for your destination, the Cactus Juice Bar.

“Excuse me young miss,” An older man’s voice pulled you out of your thoughts as their shoulder bumped into yours.

“You’re fine.” You muttered before feeling something different, your ring. It was gone. “Hey!” You turned around, shouting at the old man that you were sure took it from you. He turned around, eyes wide as he began to run away.

You felt yourself becoming light-headed as your body filled with panic. That was you dad’s ring. How could someone casually take something that important away from you?

Anger flooded your mind as you reached for the vial of water that lay at your side. You thought of water bending but there were too many people around. He began to get farther away from you, almost lost in the crowd of Republic City citizens, but still in sight. The only way to get it back would be to-

The image of Katara’s pain filled eyes became present in your mind, you couldn’t. You simply watched as he disappeared into the sea of people with a heavy heart.

“Not even two minutes by myself and look what happened.” You said with a sigh, now officially en route to the Cactus Juice.

ｏ ｏ ｏ ｏ ｏ ｏ ｏ ｏ ｏ ｏ ｏ ｏ ｏ ｏ ｏ ｏ ｏ ｏ ｏ ｏ ｏ

The air in the back of the truck was thick, a dispirited expression on every bender’s face. Their thoughts may have varied individually but one question bounced between them all, what’s going to happen?

Bolin’s eyes fell downwards, as one more person got thrown into the back of the truck. An old man gagged and bound like the rest of them. His thoughts then shifted to you.

“Hey kid, you want me to take off your tie?” The old man whispered; his mouth no longer confined by the cloth that everyone else had tied around theirs. Bolin looked at him in confusion, eyes wide as he tried to deduce how that happened.

“I got sharp teeth!” The man exclaimed, flashing his razor-sharp smile. He began leaning closer to Bolin’s face, the earth bender shaking his head furiously and releasing muffled grunts of protest, not wanting him to get any closer than he already was. Although it seemed that sharp teeth did not get the message as he grabbed the cloth that was tied around Bolin’s mouth with his own and gnawed his way through it in a way that reminded Bolin of Pabu.

“Oh, uh, thanks I guess?”  Despite the fact that the man hadn’t touched him he still felt oddly violated.

“My name’s Rif Raf Rag and I can’t stand silence.” He said with a booming laugh, echoing through the back of the truck. Bolin cringed at the volume of Rag’s voice, wondering when the chi-blockers would come and tie them back up again.

“I’m Bolin! Nice to meet you.”

“Yeah, wish it were under different circumstances.” He looked Bolin up and down. “Just kidding! I would never talk to you otherwise.” He said with another loud punch of laughter, the person next to Rag started to make muffled noises, clearly asking to be reunited with their freedom of speech.

“Lightning Bolt Zolt?!” Bolin exclaimed; the man who had seemed too large to him as a child was now someone he could meet the gaze of albeit still nervous.

“I’d take yours off too, I really would pal, but my jaw needs a break. We have all the time in the world though I’ll do it eventually.” Rag’s words rang true as not one bender felt movement of the truck, wherever they were, they were definitely stagnant.

“Now Bolin,” The old man said, snapping his face towards him. “Talk to me!”

Bolin felt uncomfortable for a number of reasons, one could be largely attributed to Rag’s lack of personal space, the other reason could be that all the kidnapped benders were looking towards the pair.

“Uhhh, why are your teeth so sharp?” Bolin asked, the smiling old man disappeared at his words.

“Get ready for a tale.”

ｏ ｏ ｏ ｏ ｏ ｏ ｏ ｏ ｏ ｏ ｏ ｏ ｏ ｏ ｏ ｏ ｏ ｏ ｏ ｏ ｏ

Outside was a pond surrounded by peaceful turtle-ducks, small flowers and leaves shooting up from the areas around it. The calmness of it being the direct opposite of what was happening in the building that rest behind it.

“Amon sir!” An equalist rushed into the meeting room, shutting the door quickly behind him. When he looked up he was faced with Hiroshi Sato, Amon, and his principle Lieutenant.

“This better be important,” The lieutenant threatened. A meeting between Amon and Sato being quite the occasion to walk in on.

“It is! I promise,” The man began. “I was in the city when I saw the Avatar.” Despite his nerves and hesitant demeanor, his words peaked Amon’s interest.

“Continue.”

“I have reason to believe she’s going to be at the rally tonight, and I have even more reason to believe she’s bringing a blood bender. For the revelation demonstration we took one of the Avatars friends, they’re looking into his location now. I also believe the blood bender has a uh, special type of relationship with their earth bender friend.”

“Why would we need to know about that?” The lieutenant complained, “Don’t just come in here to say funny stuff-“ He began to scold but was stopped as he saw Amon put his hand in the air.

“No, all of that information was useful. Thank you, my brother.” The equalist tried to contain his giddy smile from being complimented by Amon but failed miserably.

“No, thank you my brother.” He said, leaving the room.

“What do you want to do Amon?” The lieutenant asked. Amon simply stood up from his seat, walking until he reached the window. From it he saw bird swoop down into the pond to catch a fish.

“Let’s show people how truly evil benders can be.”

ｏ ｏ ｏ ｏ ｏ ｏ ｏ ｏ ｏ ｏ ｏ ｏ ｏ ｏ ｏ ｏ ｏ ｏ ｏ ｏ ｏ

“And I cried as I watched my true love get married to another man, anyways that’s why my teeth are so sharp. ” Rag said, closing the dramatic retelling of his life with a solemn sigh.

“T-That’s so sad!” Bolin exclaimed; eyes brimming with tears. “You’ve been through so much Rag! But you made it! You made it through!”

Zolt’s eyebrow twitched.

“That is also why they call me the love doctor; do you have any burning questions about romance? Do you have a beau? “

“No? Yes? I don’t know, I just met someone and I don’t know how to officially ask them out on a date but they’re perfect.” He began, eyes dreamily looking to the skies – or at least the top of vehicle – as he began to describe you. “They’re so smart and pretty, they like the same food as I do and they smells like flowers. When they look me straight in the eyes it’s like I can’t function anymore-” He continued, slowly coming back to reality as he noticed that the truck of mostly criminals were staring at him. Clearly embarrassed to be voicing romantic thoughts his voice trailed off. “Oops, sorry. I will now proceed to stop talking.”

“Don’t be afraid Bolin, you can tell us!” A large man said from across the truck, the group of benders had bonded in their short time together.

“Thank you for the encouragement Flaming Hot Death Vishnick, y’know if you hadn’t have burned down all of those hospitals, you’d almost be a good guy.” Bolin responded, the tone of the conversation almost being one of group therapy.

“Awh, thank you Bolin.” The fire bender responded, pleased at his new friends’ words.

“No, thank you Flaming Hot Death-“

“Would you please shut your yaps!” Zolt exclaimed, the only bender of the group that was considerably annoyed with the situation. He had his fair share of kidnappings but none where he had to listen to such, what he deemed to be, garbage.

“This is supposed to be a supportive and caring environment Zolt.”  Rag said, glaring at the leader of the Triple Threat Triads.

“Even when you were a kid collecting bets for the pro-bending matches you talked too much,” At that Bolin gulped, still nervous about the fact that it was Lightning Bolt Zolt talking to him, “Listen, I’ve had my fair share of dating experience. You just gotta be confident, and be yourself.”

Bolin’s jaw dropped, did Lightning Bolt Zolt just give him dating advice?

“And make sure to give ‘em something shiny and expensive like this!” At that Rag turned his back to Bolin and flashed the silver ring that fit tightly on the lower end of his ring finger.

“Wha- that’s! How did you get that Rag?” The old man shrugged his shoulders.

“Picked it up off of someone in water tribe clothes, almost got away with it too but they felt it. Luckily there was a lot of people walking around so I lost ‘em in the crowd.”

“Rag! That’s (Y/N)’s ! The person I was talking about! Please, please, please, can I have it to give back to them?”

“But I like shiny things.” He said with disappointment as he felt the ring around his finger.

“And what could be shinier than the thrill of new love?” Bolin asked, getting desperate. Rag sighed, feeling the ring one more time.

“Fine, you can have it kid.”

“Woohoo! Thank you so much Rif Raf Rag, it’ll mean the world to her to get this back.”

“On one condition. You gotta give ol’ Rag a massage.”

Bolin gulped as he looked over the crusty old man.

For (Y/N).

He was going to get that ring back, and as he brought his feet up to the massage the old man next to him he decided if he made it out alive he would ask you out too.

ｏ ｏ ｏ ｏ ｏ ｏ ｏ ｏ ｏ ｏ ｏ ｏ ｏ ｏ ｏ ｏ ｏ ｏ ｏ ｏ ｏ

You burst through the bar doors, surprising everyone except the man who had a little too much cactus juice.

“Carole! Bolin’s in trouble!” With your words she quickly shot up from behind the counter, rushing your panicked self over to her.

“What happened?”

“We haven’t seen him since yesterday, and Mako said it’s unlike him to run off without telling anyone.” Carole stopped, her hand moving to a comfortable position under her chin as she thought.

“He hasn’t come back here since we saw the both of you, I’m sorry sweetie I wish I could tell you more.”

Your heart fell.

“But I do have something for you, let me go get it from the back.” Carole said before quickly  making her way through the door that led to the kitchen.

“I saw him.”

Your head turned towards the unknown voice, eyes landing on the same eyes that had glared at you the night before.

“But I wouldn’t tell a bender like you, and whatever’s going to happen to him he probably deserves it.” You slowly stepped towards him, trying to control your anger

“Why don’t you just tell me what you saw and we can all have a great day.”

“What, are you going to threaten me with your bending?” He asked with a smirk, other patrons of the bar now focused on the two of you.

“No, I was actually planning to use my fists.” The words came out of you harshly, paired with a sharp glare on your face.

“Bring it on.” He said, shooting up out of his seat. The hot cup of tea that sat next to him wobbled as his arm hit it, the boiling hot liquid splashing on the exposed skin of his left arm. You gasped as you heard a shout of pain escape the man.

Instinctively your body reacted, bending the hot liquid off of his arm, cooling it, then bending it back towards him.

“Ah!” He shouted, expecting the burning liquid to hit him again at full force, but instead he felt a cooling sensation. “Y-you’re healing me?” He asked, baffled as he watched you focus your swirling of the water onto the red area.

“Yup, I guess I am.” You said with a sigh, “apparently I’m not so good at this threatening people thing.”

“I hope you know I’m not asking you to heal me.” He muttered under his breath, blush fanning across his cheeks.

“Is it that hard to admit you’re being helped by bending?”

“Well, uh, you wouldn’t understand what it’s like! You’re not a non-bender.”

“Yeah I’m not. My grandfather was though, so are my parents. I have no doubt that at some point in their lives they had trouble accepting that,” You said as you continued swirl water on his arm, “But in the end they embraced it! My grandfather not only mastered all of the non-bending combat styles, but also designed machines that would work with the aid of bending.”

His eyes widened comically large, he took his good arm and pointed it towards you.

“Your grandfather was the Chieftan of the Southern Water Tribe!?” You laughed at his shock, nodding your head yes.

“The one and only. He came to see the beauty in bending and worked with it, although Gran-Gran did say he was an ass about it at first. He even told my Uncle Tenzin, one of the last air-benders,  to not depend only on air-bending because reflexes and strategy were just as important, maybe even more so. I know he’d be saddened to see what’s happening right now.”

The man looked down, processing your words. In this time, you finished healing him leaving his arm, it was as good as new.

“For all I know you could be lying to me.”

You sighed, beginning to make your way to the door.

“Wait.”

You stopped in your tracks.

“I saw him get approached by Shady Shin yesterday while he was on a bench, I know that’s not much but it’s all I got. I also saw some chi-blockers in the area, I don’t know if it’s connected to Amon or not.” His voice was soft as he spoke, not daring to look you in the eyes. You smiled at him,

“Thank you so much.”  You said, only to then see Carole jump out of the back-door clasping something in her hands.

“(Y/N)! Before you leave!” She said  making her way towards you while slightly out of breath. “This is my lucky stone, I don’t give it to just anyone now. When you see that Amon, I want you to throw it at him for giving non-benders a bad name! If anyone doesn’t like it, they can eat a scorching hot soup dumpling.” The short shop owner in front of you radiated anger when talking about the masked man. You took the stone from her hand and held it over your own heart.

“I promise.”

She nodded to you as you left the building to find Korra and Mako, now excited at the prospect of throwing a stone at Amon.

ｏ ｏ ｏ ｏ ｏ ｏ ｏ ｏ ｏ ｏ ｏ ｏ ｏ ｏ ｏ ｏ ｏ ｏ ｏ ｏ ｏ

“Korra, fix the scarf.” You said as you looked both Mako and Korra up and down. When you found them and told them you heard Bolin’s kidnapping might be related to Amon they brought up the fliers they got from an equalist at the park with maps on the back.

From there the three of you quickly got disguises and conned your way into the building, finding Pabu along the way. You took a lot of joy in forcing Mako and Korra to pretend to be a couple.

“I knew a lot of people hated benders, but I’ve never seen so many in one place.” Mako said as he watched the large crowd ripple in waves, united only by what you could only assume was fear or hatred. “Keep your eyes out for Bolin.”

The lights snapped on, filling the large stage with a stark brightness as an announcer began to echo through the room.

“Please welcome your hero, your savior, Amon!” The audience burst out in cheers, some screaming so emphatically their faces reddened. The man next to the three of you ripped off his shirt and circled it above his head in excitement, spreading his scent to all nearby. In front of the large Amon poster on the stage shadowed figures rose from the ground, of which you could only assume Amon was one of.

The overhead lighting then flashed on; you couldn’t help the small gasp that you released.

You saw the mask that had been on all those posters. Amon.

“My quest for equality began many years ago.” he said, his hands gesturing outwards. “When I was a boy my family and I lived on a small farm. We weren’t rich, and none of us were benders. This made us very easy targets for the fire bender who extorted my father.” Amon began to pace around the stage, the bright lighting that reflected from his mask leaving a mark of terror on you.

“One day my father confronted this man, but when he did that fire bender took my family from me. Then he took my face. I’ve been forced to hide behind a mask ever since.” Gasps emerged from the crowd and from what you heard they seemed justified.

“As you know, the avatar has recently arrived in Republic City.” He said, the crowd now igniting in fierce boos that reminded Korra to pull Mako’s scarf up.

“And if she were here, she would tell you that bending brings balance to the world.” Amon paused, letting his deep voice resonate within the room.  “She is wrong, the only thing bending has brought to the world is suffering. It has been the cause of every war in every era.”

At this you couldn’t help but feel as if he were wrong. There were most definitely benders that were terrible people, but you had a sneaking suspicion even if people couldn’t bend, they’d still find a reason to take advantage of others and go to war.

“That is about to change. I know you have been wondering what the revelation is, well you’re about to get your answer. Since the beginning to time spirits have acted as guardians of our world, and they have spoken to me. They say the avatar has failed humanity, that is why the spirits have chosen me to usher in a new era of balance. They have granted me a power that will make equality a reality, the power to take a person’s bending away. Permanently.”

You gulped, eyes widening as your deepest fear was realized. The three of you looked at each other in disbelief, your hands now both clinging to Mako and Korra’s.

“That’s impossible.” Korra muttered.

“He’s insane! There’s no way.” Mako said, but you felt that his confidence in his own words was wavering.

“Now for a demonstration, please welcome Lightning Bolt Zolt. Leader of Triple Threat Triad, and one of the most notorious criminals in Republic City.” You heard, but your brain couldn’t process a thing as soon as you saw Bolin being ushered on stage. The same Bolin that had been slurping noodles was now displayed in front of a crowd with his hands bound behind his back. The flash of the intense white light that shone across his face caused him to wince. Your heart began beating erratically as the chi-blockers forced him to his knees, his face twisting into one of terror as he went down with the other benders. He was finally here, but you had no way to get to him.

Your gaze fell to the palms of your hands; they were trembling. No, you couldn’t. Although the light peeking in from the full moon suggested otherwise.

“There’s Bolin.” Korra said, beginning to walk forward. Mako put his arm out effectively stopping her. The two of you looked at each other and nodded, now was not the time.

“We can’t fight all of them. We have to come up with a plan.” Mako said, eyes shifting between the both of you and the stage.

“Well then come up with a plan, Team Captain.”

Your eyes scanned the room quickly, landing on the two tanks connected to pipes.

“Those tanks,” you began, grabbing both Mako and Korra. “They’re powered by water and steam; they should connect to the pipes in the back.”

“So, if one of us goes back there and creates cover,” Mako started.

“Then we can grab Bolin without ever being seen.” You finished, the three of you nodded. Korra immediately began to make her way to the back as you could only stand and watch.

The crowd booed at Zolt, causing him to retaliate in not the most mature of ways.

“Oh, boo yourself!” He shouted as the crowd continued their passionate displays of hatred.

“Zolt has amassed a fortune by extorting and abusing non-benders, but his reign of terror is about to come to an end.” Amon announced before turning his head to the side, facing the leader of the Triple Threat Triads. “Now, in the interest of fairness, I will give Zolt the chance to fight to keep his bending.”

Zolt smirked clearly resonating cockiness as he faced the masked man. “You’re going to regret doing that pal!”  

Immediately Zolt began throwing fire at Amon, the man with the mask skillfully dodging each and every flame filled burst with fluidity and speed as he approached Zolt. The fire benders eyes widened, a blue cackle of electricity shot out of his fingers in desperation, again Amon dodged it. Then grabbing the arm the lighting was coming from and twisting, Amon had positioned Zolt in such a way that his thumb could find a comfortable resting spot on Zolt’s forehead.

Both you and Mako watched in terror as the lightning coming from Zolt’s fingers began to lessen in power, slowly becoming reduced to flames, then to nothing at all.

Zolt tried to get up, his body weak from the interaction. His fist reached out in an attempt to fire bend. Nothing.

“What did you do to me?” He asked. Seeing the leader of such a notorious gang on the floor in front of Amon was almost symbolic. The power he held so large that he didn’t even have to break a sweat.

“Your fire bending is gone forever. A new era of equality has begun!” Amon said as he raised his fist, the audience did the same while they cheered. Instead your fist lay clasped at your side, sticky with sweat as Amon called the next bender forward.

C’mon Korra. You thought as the numbers began to dwindle, there was only so much time before it was Bolin.

ｏ ｏ ｏ ｏ ｏ ｏ ｏ ｏ ｏ ｏ ｏ ｏ ｏ ｏ ｏ ｏ ｏ ｏ ｏ ｏ ｏ

She took a quick glance both left and right before leaving the main area of the building and sneaking to the back. Her steps were both fast and quiet as she tried to make her ways to the pipes that you had mentioned.

Her nerves were high because of Bolin, but also because of you. With the full moon your power would be unbridled, and if anything were to happen where you exposed yourself… Korra sighed at the thought, just hoping you would be alright. She had to keep it a secret, for you. Blood bending is illegal.

While scanning the room her eyes came across a red wheel connected to the pipes. She quickly made her way over, turning the wheel as hard as she could resulting in a small stream of steam.

“What are you doing here?” Korra turned slowly, slightly hoping that in the time it took for her to turn around he would leave her alone. When fully turned she looked up to see a large man. Shit.

“Is there a problem, my brother?” She asked feigning complete innocence with a smile. Her entire face having to tilt upwards to look at him. His expression was one of undoubted suspicion as he looked Korra up and down.

“What are you doing back here?”

“Uh, looking for the bathroom?” She winced, despite using that line a lot, not once has it worked for her.

Apparently, it didn’t work again as she saw the man reach to his side and pull out a wrench, aiming for her head. She dodged it, quickly leaving harms way as the wrench hit the pipe that was behind her.

Using Mako’s scarf she tied the man’s arm to it, swinging him until she had the momentum to throw him at the three pipes. Steam began rushing out of only one.

“This isn’t enough.” She said to herself, knowing that she lacked time. Frantically she looked around the room, the only way to get enough steam would be to break the other two pipes. She turned to them and started fire bending through one of them.

“I just hope I’m not too late.” She thought.

ｏ ｏ ｏ ｏ ｏ ｏ ｏ ｏ ｏ ｏ ｏ ｏ ｏ ｏ ｏ ｏ ｏ ｏ ｏ ｏ ｏ

You watched as the water bender with particularly sharp teeth next to Bolin screamed in resistance and felt your body cringe as you heard the thud of his hitting the floor.

Bolin was next.

“Mako, I’m going to distract them until Korra gets the steam going.” you whispered, indiscreetly obtaining the attention of the fire bender. “Pretend you don’t know me, it’ll be easier. Go help Korra.”

“(Y/N) what are you talking about?” Mako asked, eyes wide. Instead of responding you pulled out the stone from Carole, kissing it for good luck.

“This one’s for Carole!” You shouted as you threw it onto the stage. The stone in its grandiose hit Amon right on the forehead of his mask, but it wasn’t enough to take it off. The crowd gasped and looked around for the rebel.

“Now give me back my friend!”

The chi-blockers closest to your row immediately tried to grab you, your hands thrusting out and around you bending a harsh wave of the water from your vial towards them, effectively knocking them off their feet. You could feel the power of the full moon surging from within you, and as you looked at the chi-blockers that were now on the ground you feared you would succumb to it.

A wave of new chi-blockers now approached you, there were too many to handle. Despite this you felt relief as you looked at the stage. Amon was distracted, for now. You watched as Mako made his way to through the door Korra had.

“Stop.” Amon’s calm voice said as his settled on you, you felt your skin crawl.

“Let the bender speak.”

Your heart dropped, the eyes of everyone from the audience now on you. You felt yourself begin to sweat, the room becoming smaller and smaller as everyone waited for your voice. You hadn’t expected this, you didn’t know what kind of game he was playing but you did know it would buy you time. The chi-blockers began to close in on you, suspecting that violence was to come instead of an answer.

Taking a deep breath you reassured yourself, “If anyone doesn’t like it, they can eat a scorching hot soup dumpling.”

“Everyone please!” You began, the volume of your voice surprising you as it resonated within the room. “These people are innocent just like you! Well, most of them.” You said as you looked at Lighting Bolt Zolt. “There shouldn’t be such a divide between benders and non-benders. I know there are bad people in the world, I truly do. Taking away bending isn’t the solution; people will do anything to gain power! Who’s to say a man that would use bending to rob a store wouldn’t still rob the store if he wasn’t a bender with like a knife or something!”

At this you looked over the crowd, scanning the faces of those closest to you.

“When one of those bad people are benders their power is exacerbated, it’s a big problem. Although I’d argue that there are good and bad benders just as there are non-benders!”

“Like the bender that robbed my store?! They’re good?!” The shirtless man shouted from the audience, a chorus of yeahs and mhms coming to his support.

“No! That’s completely not my point! Also sir, I think everyone around you would appreciate it if you put your shirt back on.” He sniffed himself, frowning before sulkily dressing himself again.

“Bending has its beauty! There are so many good uses for it including healing,” at this some people in the crowd hummed in agreement. “My grandfather was an amazing non-bender, and so are my father and mother! They’re not helpless because they’re not benders!”

“Then why do you have such a problem with Amon taking peoples bending away!?” Someone from the audience called out.

“Yeah! Is becoming a non-bender that terrible!”

“If we’re all the same then why don’t we all have bending!”

This wasn’t going well. Your eyes began to dart around in panic.

“No! It’s not like that! It’s just- “You started, but more hecklers began voicing their opinions. The room began to grow smaller as your fear doubled in size, like a darkness that was slowly engulfing every part of the room.

“Interesting words,” Amon said slowly, approaching Bolin on the stage. “for a blood bender.” The crowd gasped; how did he know?

Your entire body was trembling, they all hated you and you could feel it. You looked at Bolin on the and saw the fear in his eyes, only he wasn’t looking at Amon.

“No, I’m not!” You defended; he didn’t know. No one knew.

“We’ll see about that.” Amon said, sounding almost as if he was smiling under his mask. With a nod from his head, two chi-blockers held Bolin down and Amon began walking towards him. No, no, no, no. There was no way you could get there in time. Bolin’s face shifted into one of horror as Amon grabbed his chin, looking him in the eyes.

His thumb approached Bolin’s forehead. You were sweating, your heart feeling as if it were to come out of your chest. Vision blurry from the tears that threatened to erupt from your eyes. Nausea blossomed in your stomach and your throat felt tight as your breaths became shorter and more frequent. Your morals. Your reputation. Your promise.

Bolin.

You had to do something. With a deep breath you focused, channeling the energy of the full moon into your body. The time was now. You raised your arms and they moved so naturally it scared you, the chi-blockers holding Bolin down began to contort in pain. Their bodies twisting and spazzing as you raised them above Bolin and flung them to the side.

It felt natural.

Without another thought you bended the water from your vial to make a frozen path to the stage, running on it and melting it before the guards could even blink. Amon backed away from Bolin letting the chi-blockers surround you. In an instant the group of eight were in the air, you slammed each one down onto the stage trying your best to just knock them out.

For some reason, Amon displayed no fear. The two of you stood on stage watching each other intently. You slowly backed yourself towards Bolin while the you and Amon continued to stare at each other. The other chi-blockers stood on guard, waiting for your move.

“She can manipulate our bodies to do whatever she wants, and yet she speaks of equality.” He said. You noticed the bruises that Bolin bore on his body, and the way his arm looked bent out of shape. Anger bubbled within you filling every part of your body, infecting your mind. You wanted them all to face consequences for what they had done.

You closed your eyes, summoning a hurricane of water beneath yourself. Not only the water from your vial, but water from the entire building began to fly towards your form. You needed to hurt him.  Your arms raised again, this time with deep intention and purpose.

“(Y/N)! Don’t! It’s what he wants!” You heard Bolin exclaim, but you were too far gone. You aimed all the water that swirled beneath you at Amon, the harsh currents knocking him off of his feet. With the power of the moon you were fast. You began punching hard bursts of water at him, he managed to evade some.

Your attention then went to the chi-blockers that began to interfere after noticing the severity of the situation, your hands began circling the air, moving with the fluidity of water itself. The water around you followed this rhythm, only stopping when you flung them as ice shards at the chi-blockers, pinning them to the wall behind the stage.

Your eyes then flew to Amon standing calmly, it infuriated you. Your arms raised, blood bending him. He paused in his tracks and you could see his eyes widen from beneath his mask. You then saw him begin to struggle against it.

There’s no way.

The audience held their breath as they saw Amon’s body tremble on stage. He seemed to be putting excessive force on every muscle in his body for the chance to move. His body began to shake more, you desperately tried to concentrate harder but there was nothing you could do.

He took one step. And then another.

The audience began to cheer.

You felt something familiar in the way he was resisting your bending, how was it possible. The only was was if-

“Amon’s a blood bender.” You thought to yourself right before Amon dashed up the side of the wall, knocking you down as he did so. You grunted as your body came crashing to the ground, not having enough energy to soften your fall.

“Benders like her are evil, and they should not have the power they do.” Amon said as he slowly began to approach your body on the ground. You were paralyzed in fear as his large figure leaned over you, your tearful eyes darting around only to find themselves completely encompassed by Amon.

He grabbed your chin, pulling your face towards him. You did everything you could to pull backwards, to get away from him, to get away from everything.

“After I take your bending away, you will be nothing.”

The room went silent.

The only thing you could hear was your heart beating against your chest.

Then, you felt the light press of his thumb against your forehead.

The pain you felt was excruciating.

Your muscles seized before your body began to shake. You wanted nothing more than for it to end, the searing and burning that you felt. Your throat began to feel tight as your core tightened with it, the nausea from before now becoming dominant in its presence.

So, this is what it felt like to be blood bent.

Your knees hit the floor, the echo resonating. Through the haze of the pain you could hear muffled yells coming from the earth bender that you had come to know.

“Prepare to be equalized.”

Those were the last words you heard before your world became submerged in water. The only image before your eyes was Amon, and behind him the white light of the moon.

Your world faded to darkness.

ｏ ｏ ｏ ｏ ｏ ｏ ｏ ｏ ｏ ｏ ｏ ｏ ｏ ｏ ｏ ｏ ｏ ｏ ｏ ｏ ｏ

“Korra! Are you okay?” Mako asked as he rushed through the door, accidentally stepping on the man whose body had been flung to the ground.

“Yes! I’m fine but help me break this last pipe! Hurry!” Mako nodded and immediately began to fire bend, Korra coming to help him with the copper pipe.

“(Y/N)’s distracting Amon right now.” Korra’s eyes widened at the news, she hadn’t been fast enough. Despite copper having a high melting point, the fire from the two of them released a flurry of steam. Exactly what they needed.

“I’ll go get Naga, you get Bolin and (Y/N). Meet me outside by the ladder!” Mako nodded, about to leave when Korra grabbed his arm.

“Good luck Mako.”

“Good luck Korra.”

The pair held hands for a moment before parting ways, Mako making his way back through the door he came through. The crowd has now completely dispersed, the steam had done its trick. He struggled to see through it, taking careful steps as he made his way to the stage.

At any moment he could run into his brother, or an equalist. His other senses were heightened as he attempted to evade the fog. While walking, he saw two figures. He stepped closer.

“Bolin!” Mako exclaimed as he saw his brother kneeling on the floor, as he further examined, he noticed someone else on the floor. (Y/N).

“Oh no.”

He then turned to Bolin who wore an expression of shock as he stared at the ground.

“She saved me.” He muttered as Mako made his way behind him to untie the ropes that bound him. An equalist saw this as an opportunity, trying to grab your unconscious self. That is, until he was stopped by the harsh clash of a fist striking from under his chin.  Out of his ropes Bolin punched the equalist as hard as he could, anger coming over him as he saw your limp body. He picked you up gently, holding you close against him.

The two benders walked out of the building, letting the steam cover the tracks behind them.

ｏ ｏ ｏ ｏ ｏ ｏ ｏ ｏ ｏ ｏ ｏ ｏ ｏ ｏ ｏ ｏ ｏ ｏ ｏ ｏ ｏ

A throbbing pain echoed throughout your head.

Water.

Your mouth was dry, you needed water.

Slowly, you opened your eyes. The light in the room was blinding, you raised your arm to block it from your view.

“(Y/N)?” You heard a soft voice ask. Not being able to speak you let a groan out in response, raising yourself up off of the bed. Before you had time to process you felt a presence encompass you, warm and gentle in its touch. You reveled against it letting your body fall limp. Bolin. You were surprised as you felt a wetness on your face, you gripped Bolin even harder as you let the tears stream freely.

You felt the touch of Amon on your forehead, it all came back. The look on Bolin’s face while you blood bended flashed in your mind, still fresh. Hurriedly, you grabbed him. Pulling apart from your embrace just far enough to meet his eyes, noses touching. You cradled his face, pressing your forehead against his.

“Bolin, you’re okay.” You said, smiling feebly. His mouth flew open in exasperation.

“What do you mean I’m okay?! You’re okay!” He said before bringing you back into a hug. He wasn’t used to comforting people like this, but in this moment, everything happened naturally. He brought his hand to your cheeks, carefully wiping some of the tears off of your face. “The others went to go get some food, they told me to let them know when you woke up.” He said, getting up. You grabbed his arm causing him to turn around in surprise.

“Not yet.” You muttered. He gave you a gentle smile as he sat back down on the bed.

“Bolin I was so scared.” You admitted, the panic still fresh in your mind. He began to rub your back in a circular motion.

“I know. I know.” He said, eyes determined. “We’ll never let that happen again.” Albeit a bit dramatic his words rang through your mind.

“You don’t have to pretend you’re not afraid of me.” You said with a sigh, averting his gaze.

“What are you talking about?”

“You saw what I did. I fell right into Amon’s trap.” Your voice so small the earth bender could barely hear it. He fell silent, his eyes focused on the floor as he listened. “It was during the full moon, but I can- or at least could - blood bend at any time.” At this his eyes widened, the were now on you.

“That’s… Possible?”

“I was blessed by the spirit of the moon, except it’s more of a curse. The power I would feel when under it terrified me, I became scared of it. When I was hurting those people at first it was just to protect you but at one point I-I wanted to be doing it. It terrifies me how addictive it became in such a short span of time,” You brought you knees to your chest. “I promised Gran-Gran I would never do it again but, here we are.” You let out a strangled laugh, one that soon turned into a cry.

“(Y/N)-“

“No Bolin, no one should ever have that kind of power. And I thought I was the only one until-“

“(Y/N), listen. Was seeing you blood bend all those guys at the same time as well as Amon super scary to watch, yes! Absolutely! Did I think about it for a while afterwards, also yes.” Your heart panged, of course he was scared. What else could someone be after seeing what had happened, but he continued.

“Did I also see you throw a rock at Amon’s face and tell a shirtless man to dress himself while in the middle of giving an inspirational speech, yes!” With that you laughed, not fully realizing what you had done in the midst of your panic.

“Do I not really care that you were a blood bender and just really want to get to know you because you’re the nicest person I’ve met in a while, Pabu likes you, and now so does my brother I think?”

“Also yes?”

“A thousand times yes.” He said with a goofy grin plastered on his face. “I know we’ve just met but I feel like it’s been ages!”

“Probably because of the whole you getting kidnapped and me losing my bending thing.” You suggested nonchalantly, heart skipping a beat as his hand brushed yours.

“Oh right! That could be a cause of that, yes.” You giggled, causing Bolin’s smile growing wider. All he wanted to do was make you feel better. As your laughing slowed a strange tension filled the room, one you hadn’t expected. Your gaze was locked in on his, both of you feeling each other’s breath due to your sheer closeness. 

“(Y/N)!” From the door you saw Korra come rushing in with a pile of bread.  Bolin shot up immediately, knocking over the cup of water next to your bed. “Bolin! You were supposed to tell us if (Y/N) woke up!”

“Oh yeah! I was supposed to, wasn’t I?” He said as he filled the room with nervous laughter, “You know me! Always forgetting, right Pabu?” In response the fire ferret chirped at his side. Korra ran to you, throwing the pile of bread to Mako. As she embraced you tightly, she was also examining your injured body.

You heard someone clear their throat, looking up you saw Mako.

“Thank you, for helping me find my brother.” He said. You nodded, instead of being focused on what was being said to you your mind flew into uncertainty. What did they really think of you now?

“Here, let me go get you a tissue.” He said, his attention now on the puddle of water on your sheets.

“No, don’t worry. I got it.” You said, attempting to bend the water away from you. Your fingers moved but water didn’t. “Oh. Right.”

“(Y/N) don’t you worry, we are going to get every healer to try and get your bending back. You could even go to see Katara.” Korra reassured, grabbing your shoulder. The thing is, you didn’t even know if you wanted it back. Maybe Amon was meant to bring balance, maybe he took away your blood bending for a greater good.

The three looked at you, and then each other. Noting the solemn expression on your face.

“(Y/N), I want you to know that I’ll always be here for you. No matter what.” Korra said, the sincerity in her voice made your breath hitch.

“You helped me get my brother back, I can’t thank you enough.” Mako added, coming closer to stand besides Korra. The two looked back at Bolin, apparently it was his turn.

“You’re selfless! Gorgeous! Funny! Kind! Super strong! Compassionate-“He started before Korra cut him off with a laugh.

“I think we get the idea Bolin.” You looked at the three in front of you, all smiling and reaffirming you with their gentle gazes. It was then you knew you had found something special.

“Group hug!” Bolin shouted before taking his large arms and grabbing the three of you, pushing all of you together. As you all glanced between your squished faces bursts of laughter began to arise. It seemed Bolin could cheer you up after anything, although as the laughter slowed you couldn’t hide the feeling in the pit of your stomach.

This time another person came into the room, one you couldn’t be happier to see.

“Uncle Tenzin!” You called out; his eyes filled with relief as he saw that you were awake.

“Wha- Bolin! You were supposed to let me know when (Y/N) was awake!” Tenzin said, shaking his head in exasperation before quickly making his way over to you and giving you a hug.

“Pfft. Awake, asleep, I mean what’s the difference, right?” Bolin laughed nervously but Tenzin’s attention was elsewhere.

“(Y/N)? Are you alright? How are you feeling?” He asked panicked, looking over you the same way Korra had.

“Uncle, I’m fine. Don’t worry.”

“Oh, thank goodness.” He let out with a sigh. “We were all so worried when we’d heard what happened. The kids really wanted to see you but I wasn’t sure if you were ready for all of that erhm…” He paused as he thought of a way to describe his children, “energy.”

“I’m honestly fine Uncle.” You said reassuring him. He gave you a soft smile, he had a special place in his heart for the little water bender that hailed from his uncle.

“Well, you let us know if you need anything at all. I have to leave air temple island for a bit but I’ll see you soon.” You nodded, bidding your uncle farewell leaving the previous four of you in the room with silence. Korra and Mako looked at each other before Korra spoke up,

“We’re just gonna go ahead and give you guys some room.” She said as the two of them exited as well. Just you and Bolin again.

“Oh! I forgot to bring this up before but.” He reached into his pockets, searching deeply for something with his tongue sticking slightly out.  “Here it is!”

In his palm you saw your ring, immense relief flooding your heart.

“Oh my goodness! Bolin how did you find this?”

His body recoiled, face cringing as he remembered the massage he gave Rif Raf Rag.

“Let’s not talk about that. But (Y/N), I’m sure you know your grandfather, the councilman himself! The man graced with the gift of science and innovation. We’re talking engineering water-bending power submarines, we’re taking advanced math and geometry skills, we’re talking the man who took down combustion man!”

“Yes, I do know, that’s why the thought of losing this ring made me so sad. It was like I was losing the only part of him that I had.”

“No, (Y/N), that’s not the only part of him you have.” You looked at Bolin in confusion, he moved to come sit next to you once again. “You come from such a cool line of non-benders, I just want you to know how amazing you are even without your bending. You’re so smart it absolutely blows me away. Not to mention all the ten thousand amazing other things you are. I’m sure you’ll be able to get your bending back, but even if you don’t I think you could use your brain to make something awesome like your Grandpa!”

You gave him a soft smile, heart blooming at his words. Just like before you noticed your heart beating a little bit faster now that he was besides you.

“You’re too kind.”

“Nope! I’m just being honest.” He said. “And while I’m being honest…” He began, the way his fingers began bouncing off of each other exuding nervousness.

You just gotta be confident, and be yourself.

“When you’re ready of course, wouldyoumaybewanttogoonadatewithme?” He asked eyes tightly shut, saying his last sentence so quickly that you could barely register it. So much for the confidence.

You laughed at his embarrassment, although he took that as rejection.

“Oh, nevermin-“

“Of course Bolin!” You exclaimed, “I was hoping you’d ask.”

“Woohoo!” He shouted, turning to face Pabu in excitement. With his cheek exposed you decided to give him a surprise, preparing your lips to give him a quick kiss on the cheek. Although as soon as he had turned around he had turned back to you.

You weren’t sure if your heart stopped or time did when your lips met. The flutter in your heart that was present before now becoming overbearing. The only thing your mind could focus on was how his lips felt against yours, and the extreme burning you felts from your cheeks. As soon as it accidentally started, it also accidentally ended.

“What are you doing with my cousin?!” Meelo yelled in an accusatory tone, pointing at Bolin as he burst through the door. Both you and Bolin pulled away immediately, embarrassed beyond belief. The expression on Bolin’s face leading you to think that he didn’t even believe what had just happened but the grin on his face reminding you he liked it.

“I came here to see my favorite cousin-“

“Meelo, I’m your only cousin.”

“Besides the point! Who are you strange man!?”

“So you guys are going to have a bunch of babies!” Ikki exclaimed in happiness, bouncing around the room. You sighed, nothing was ever a secret with these kids. Soon Pema came, grabbing the two of them and leaving with quick apologies.

“They’re cute,” Bolin said with a yawn, his face now appearing very tired.

“They are, aren’t they.” You responded, but when you looked back Bolin had already drifted off into sleep.

You stood up, making your ways to the curtains. Taking a deep breath you opened them, letting the white light of the moon that you were terrified of before stream into your room. It encased both you and Bolin, and for the first time, you weren’t scared.

ｏ ｏ ｏ ｏ ｏ ｏ ｏ ｏ ｏ ｏ ｏ ｏ ｏ ｏ ｏ ｏ ｏ ｏ ｏ ｏ ｏ

“I don’t mean to dampen to mood, but there’s a pressing issue at hand.” The four of you looked at Tenzin intensely, waiting for him to continue. 

“Word’s got out that you blood bended. The council wants to send you to trial.”

lmao jk y’all, I hoped you like it. Again thank you to @the-quackson-brothers​ 

And to the other requests I have don’t worry! I’m working on them and I really appreciate them it’s just orgo 2 is kicking my behind.

Taglist: @itsametaphorbriansblog​  @cottage-babe2​ @ajwantsapancake​ @bbecc-a​ @kiaoizz​ @ilovespideyyy​ tysm all of you, you made my entire life w your kind words ahhhhhh

[fluffnstuffq]

We all know that the “kin for fun” trend is bad. 

Recently, however, the question of “why is it bad?” has risen in prominence, and thus I’d like to give my two cents on the matter. I initially wanted to give a rehash of the whole “this is a community which has been around for decades, please don’t appropriate its terms because you don’t know what you’re talking about” spiel.. though I know that’s been repeated endlessly to no avail. 

Dozens of times I’ve tried to explain that, though I’ve often been faced with the “words change” or “it’s just a game, it harms no one” argument.

So I’m taking a more personal approach.

I don’t know if my anecdotes will change anyone’s mind, but if anyone in the “kin for fun” community sees this and actually reads through it, I implore you to try to listen to genuine otherkin, do some research, and find other terms that better suit you.

Beware, long rambling anecdote under the cut.

It is hard to believe that, a mere 8 months ago, I was new to the otherkin community. 

I’d been reading about and researching otherkinity in depth for as long as a year prior, though it was as recently as May 2020 upon which I took my own first step into evaluating my own experiences, creating an otherkin oriented side blog, and formally taking the plunge into what I’d initially assumed, from fun “kin assign ask games” or “no doubles drama”, to be a trend.

While I quickly versed myself in the original, serious and introspective parts of the community, I had my fair share of run-ins with those of the “kinnie/kin for fun crowd”. One such experience, over the course of about two-three months, forever left an impression on the way I view the community (and the problems within it) as a whole.

Without naming names, some of the individuals we encountered turned out to be... the practical embodiment of some of the worst facets of this community.

They were the prime example of the misguided “kinnie” mindset. Dead-set on fitting under the ‘kin label, though unwilling to do any research on their own. Faking out of control, dramatic shifts to seem more “valid” to genuine otherkin (more on that later). Willing to go as far as picking traits from other people’s original characters to “customize” their “kinsonas” perfectly. 

However, aside from their merely misguided attempts to fit in (which could’ve been easily fixed if not for the stubborn kinnie mindset), the most scathing of their actions highlighted some major issues of the “kin for fun” side.

In just a few months, we had our identities stomped on and treated like nothing more than a game. 

You see, the “kinnie” mindset is not self contained. It is almost impossible to maintain this mindset and respect the involuntary, deeply personal nature of otherkin history, due both to widespread misinformation/trends, as well as the common plague of stubborn ignorance of definitions.

In most cases we’ve seen, once one steps fully into the mindset that their own kintypes are nothing more than a game or an act, they begin to at the very least subconsciously view others’ experiences the same way. 

This is obviously not the case for all those who take on alterhuman identities by choice (ex: copinglinking). However, in taking on the “kin for fun” label, one immediately disrespects the identities of others by appropriating and bending terms with a history to fit themself. 

And once one establishes that they lack care or concern for the already, dare I say, endangered terms once meant to foster a sense of community and understanding, of shared experiences... that person already predisposes themself to spiraling into greater disrespect and ignorance of the identities of others.

The individuals that we encountered, like many others of this mindset, used their so-called “kins” for the sole purpose of feeling validated, for looking “cool” and as leverage to get their way. Because it was nothing more than roleplay and a brief interest to them, they often treated others’ kintypes as something that could be similarly discarded/”turned off” or reset. As if others’ kintypes were nothing more than characters which didn’t deserve respect.

Exotrauma and otherwise painful memories, while stressful and sometimes nightmare inducing for us, were nothing more than fodder for outlandish “story ideas” and “angst” for them. 

In the cases of these individuals faking shifts, they often acted in ways threatening and even triggering to those around them; though because it was just a show for them, they failed time and time again to recognize the negative impact their violent “shifts” had on others. 

They had no restraint, for both their own actions and the fearful/concerned reactions of others were just harmless roleplay in their eyes. (I do feel like..  even roleplay should have boundaries if the events of a story upset the people participating, and the notion that anything goes, even at the expense of someone else’s comfort.. it just gives very uncomfortable “fiction does not affect reality” vibes. Though, that’s a story for another time).

As our experiences weren’t real to them and never had been, they often conflated us with the “canon characters”, like we and many others they interacted with were nothing more than toys to fixate on, change and push “headcanons” onto, and test the limits of.

And because they didn’t care to learn, because individuals such as these continued to remorselessly fall deeper into the rabbit hole of “I do whatever I want/I don’t care to learn otherwise”, the lack of consideration grew more severe.

Those who “kin for fun” may certainly be experiencing.. something, I will not discount that assertion. Whether copinglinking, a hearttype, or merely a fictionflicker/cameo shift. However, it’d be disingenuous to say that it is harmless for them to continue to warp and pick at terms that do not and will never fit them. For every joke, every dozens-long “coping-kinlist”, every admittance of “haha I was never a serious kin”, they all do the same in spreading misinformation. 

As I see more and more people self-identifying as “copinglink, but using the kin title because it sounds better”, even if calling oneself “a non-serious kinnie”, one wonders... why use those terms if you know they do not fit? Why encroach upon communities of bittersweet memories, of aching homesickness, of involuntary nonhumanity, only with the intention of putting on an act?

Why fight so hard, when directly told and shown how “kin for fun” actively tears apart the already dwindling otherkin community on this platform? Why cling so hard to words that are not yours, why force change upon the definitions of words meant to be a safe haven for those searching for understanding? Why paint “serious otherkin” as dangerous gatekeepers, sufferers of clinical lycanthropy, or those merely suffering from delusions/hallucinations?

Because of those who “kin for fun”, I was initially steered away from investigating my own identity; I’d only seen the jokes, the toxic “kin drama”, the cringe blogs and factkin and “kinning”. Because of “kin for fun”, it took me over a year to come to terms with my own alterhumanity, in all of its facets.

Because of “kinnies”, my fears are proven time and time again that I will come across someone who views my identity as roleplay at best and “childish, a phase, character theft” at worse. Because of “kinnies” and the mindset they’ve fostered, time and time again someone steals my memories, my experiences, my identity, justifying it as creating their own version, like an AU of an AU.

Because of “kinnies”, time and time again I’ve been told to “stop taking things so seriously, it’s just for fun” when complaining about my identity being minimized. I’ve been told that “kinnies”, despite appropriating an already existing community, are the “normal ones”, the “sane ones”, the “good ones” who don’t really believe in all that they boast. 

Some have even told me that it doesn’t matter at all, for all they can see is a trend with no real hold over their identity in the longrun. “It won’t matter in ten years”, they say. 

Perhaps not for them, long after their interest in the “trend” has faded. But for me and countless other genuine otherkin? In ten years I will still be Blixer from Just Shapes and Beats, I will still be an unnamed creature of woods and starlight and faded memories of golden lanterns, I will still be otherkin, and I will still carry the scars of my identity being torn to shreds and thrown into my face like dirt.

I cannot run from my kintypes and never could, even when I was afraid of them. “Kinnies”, in most cases, hardly believe my identity really exists.

What do they believe, then? What are they trying to achieve, scrubbing away the less “aesthetically pleasing”, fluffy bits of this community? What good does it do them to take meaningful, personal words to describe an identity that they can shed at the drop of a hat if it is “problematic” or boring at the end of the day?

One can smile and nod and say that, despite “kinning for fun”, they still respect otherkinity as a whole. And I say, in most cases, that reassurance is hollow. You have already stolen our words, you have already spread misinformation.

This has stumbled into rambling territory, so I leave a few questions, honest, genuine questions.

I ask those who “kin for fun”, what is the allure of words that you have stolen? What is the allure of having the blood of a shattered community on your hands?

As many others have said before, you may find a place in the greater alterhuman community. We have terms for you, as well as many other specific experiences.

Why fight so hard to steal our haven, to push us out of our own spaces, when your own words are waiting for you with open arms?

Words change, yes, but why fight so hard to change them at the expense of others?

[flowerypeaches]

Dealmaker

Trembling hands caressed a cold face.

“Oh, Sidekick.” Hero said, tears pricking their eyes. “What happened?”

For the past couple months, Sidekick had been begging Hero nonstop to be assigned solo patrols. Hero eventually gave in, if only to stop their incessant pestering, and gave Sidekick a small neighbourhood to start off with. They had been doing so well, that Hero eventually gave them larger and larger areas to watch over. Everything had been going fine. Until today.

When Sidekick failed to check in, Hero immediately knew something was wrong. They ran out into the night, looking in every side street and roof for information.

It was after four grueling hours that Hero found Sidekick, dead in an alley and cold to the touch.

They didn’t believe their eyes, but when Hero got close enough to see the familiar freckles that peppered Sidekick's skin, they broke down. Hero knelt over Sidekick, tears dripping down their chin. Guilt clutching their chest with an iron grip. If only they said no when Sidekick asked for solo patrols, or kept them in the smaller areas, or decided to join them for the night, instead of taking a break.

Mind full of what-ifs, Hero didn’t notice the sudden drop in temperature.

“Looks like they’ve seen better days.”

Hero shot up, startled out of their grief, and hastily rubbed away their tears.

“W-who’s there?”

They searched the damp walls and cracked pavement of the alley, illuminated only by the yellow street lamps, for the owner of the voice.

But no one was there.

Did they imagine it?

A cold laugh bounced off the walls.

Hero spun, fists raised. Eyes darting around, they found a figure hidden in the alley’s deep shadows. 

“I see you. Come out!” Hero thought they saw a glint of red. A trick of the light, surely.

The figure didn’t move.

There was only one reason why someone would stick around a corpse without calling for help.

“Did you do this? Did you kill Sidekick?” Hero said, unable to hide the tremble in their voice.

The figure finally spoke. “Afraid not, Hero. The one responsible would be your darling Villain.”

Hero narrowed their eyes. Villain was a lot of things, but murderer wasn’t one of them. It was one of the few reasons why Hero let Sidekick patrol alone; Villain’s territory was safer than most crime-riddled areas. Supposed to be.

They shook their head, “You’re wrong, Villain would never kill Sidekick.”

“Not intentionally, no.” The figure moved, still lingering in the shadows, and Hero could see that the figure was incredibly tall. As if they could reach out and grab Hero from where they stood. “But when one's nemesis has the strength to lift cars, it's easy to forget that not everyone can handle the same amount of power. With how often you two fight, I’m surprised this hasn’t happened sooner.”

The hairs on Hero’s neck stood on end. This person, whoever they were, was making it up. They had to be. “You’re lying. I don’t know why, but you are. Why else would you wait around a-a…” Hero spared a glance at Sidekick. “Why else would you stay here?”

“To find you.”

Hero stepped back, heart pounding. Their instincts told them to run, to get as far away as fast as possible. But running meant leaving Sidekick, and Hero wouldn’t forgive themself if they did. Couldn’t.

The figure didn’t elaborate. Gesturing to Sidekick, instead. “Do you think any run-of-the-mill villain could inflict wounds like that?”

If the figure wanted to kill them, they would have done it while Hero’s back was to them. They took a deep breath, and knelt back down to Sidekick, still facing the figure, just in case. Hero turned their gaze down, eyeing the mess of cuts and bruises that was Sidekick’s torso. Analyzing their injuries for evidence, until...

Hero grit their teeth.

They’d recognize those stupid miniscule marks anywhere. After all, their own body was covered in them. Little scars that came from a direct hit of Villain’s power.

Mock sympathy dripped from the figure’s voice like oil slick. “And when your dear old Villain realized what they’d done, they ran.”

“T-they wouldn’t.”

“Why not? They’re a villain. Not taking responsibility is in their nature.”

They didn’t argue.

“Do you think Villain would tell you the truth? If you confronted them?” Hero could hear the smile in the figure's voice. “No, knowing them, they’d do everything in their power to convince you otherwise. That those unmistakable marks were from someone else. That they were being set up. 

“And, when they finally realize it’s hopeless, they’d beg you for forgiveness. Maybe even offering to turn themself in. All because they couldn’t bear to lose you, their darling nemesis who makes them feel whole. They have such a big soft spot for you, it’s sickening.”

Hero certainly felt sick. Their tears returned, blurring the world around them. “Why are you telling me this?”

“Because I think we can help each other.”

“I don’t want revenge.” Hero said, though there was no conviction in their words.

“No, but I can bring Sidekick back.”

Hero’s head snapped up, ready to tell them off, when the figure walked out of the darkness.

Street lamps illuminated something that could only be described as otherworldly. Wisps of smoke trailed behind them like coattails. Piercing eyes that burned like fire. They were a walking shadow, consuming any light that got too close.

Hero froze. “You're not, you can’t, t-this isn’t real.”

The figure, creature, stalked closer, until they were looming over Hero. They could now see just how tall they truly were. Like someone grabbed their head and feet and pulled and pulled. Stretched too thin and too tall and too close. Hero fought the urge to flee.

They reached down and grabbed Hero's jaw with their massive hands, forcing Hero to their feet. “I'm as real as your friend’s corpse on the ground.” Flecks of ash flew around them, the smell of smoke filled the air.

“What are you?”

They sighed. “Demon has such nasty connotations. But, I suppose that would be the closest definition you humans understand.”

Hero winced as an ember landed on their skin. 

“No matter, I have something to offer, and you have something I desire.” Hero felt the demon’s nails dig into their cheeks as they were forced to their tiptoes. “What do you say, Hero? Care to make a deal?”

They stared into the demon’s eyes, seeing visions of hellfire. Whispers of agony in their ear. Brimstone choking their lungs. Pain and suffering swallowing them whole.

Hero pulled away, falling to their knees and gasping for air. Clutching the ground in an effort to anchor themself to reality.

“I’m not selling my soul to a demon.” Hero said.

The demon bent down, and Hero flinched, expecting to be forced to look in their eyes again.

“Not even to save your precious Sidekick?”

Hero shook their head, guilt gnawing at their insides.

The demon hummed. “And here I thought you cared for them.”

“I do care! It’s just, I just,” Hero looked at the body, then to the demon. “I don’t want to, to…”

“Go to hell?” They offered.

Hero nodded.

They were a coward. A real hero would sacrifice themself in a heartbeat, but Hero couldn’t even consider it for a second. They weren’t there to protect Sidekick, and now they were letting an opportunity to save them slip away.

But what they saw in the demon’s eyes…

Hero shuddered.

It scared them more than any villain ever did.

If they sold their soul, Hero knew their pain would be the fuel to light the flames.

Coward.

“You're in luck, Hero. For it's not your soul I desire.”

Hero’s brows knit together. They looked up hesitantly, avoiding the demon’s eyes. “Then… what do you desire?”

The smoke parted in an approximation of a smile. “A body.”

“A body?”

They nodded. “It takes a lot of energy to maintain a corporeal form on earth. Possessing a body would lessen that burden greatly.”

“W-why?”

They shrugged. “A demon needs to eat.”

This was a chance of a lifetime. Saving Sidekick without being condemned to eternal damnation. What a deal!

Letting a demon possess their body, though. Hero didn’t know what that entailed. Would it hurt? Could they be killed while the demon was possessing them? If the demon killed someone, by making deals or otherwise, would it be their fault?

As if reading their mind—maybe they can—the demon spoke. “You wont notice a thing; It will be as if you’re in a deep sleep. My visits won’t take long either, so there will still be time for you to play hero. I’ll even make sure not to mess with your civilian life. Aren’t I considerate?”

“And my hero life?”

The demon huffed, blowing smoke into Hero’s face. “I won't ruin your reputation, but I can’t guarantee people won't see me. Oh! Maybe I should get my own costume, wouldn’t that be fun?”

Hero didn’t respond.

“Unless you’d prefer me to use your civilian identity?”

“No! I-I mean, please. Please use this identity. Or make another one. Please.” Hero cringed at their pleading, but the demon seemed satisfied.

“So it's settled.” Sparks flew from the demon as they clapped their hands together, causing Hero to jump. “I give Sidekick a second chance at life, and you give me your body to possess whenever I desire, withstanding I give you time to live your silly little human life, unaffected.”

Hero looked at Sidekick. Their face tinged grey, resembling wax more than skin. If they didn’t do this… did they really deserve to be called a hero?

They swallowed.

No. They were doing this. No turning back.

Hero looked up, staring directly into the flames. “Deal.”

The demon smiled, and took Hero’s face into their terrifying hands. “Pleasure doing business.” They leaned in, and, for a moment, Hero expected a kiss.

Instead, the shadow that made up the demon dissipated, rushing into their nose and mouth, replacing the air in their lungs. Hero choked as the smoke invaded their body, spots dotting their vision. They reached out, trying to hold onto something, anything, but only found air. The essence of the demon flowed through them, filling up their entire being. They couldn’t move, couldn’t cry out in fear. All Hero could do was wait.

They opened their eyes, taking long and heavy breaths. It was done. Hero leaned back, trying to calm down.

They hoped they wouldn’t regret this.

A loud gasp followed by a series of coughs made Hero lurch upright. They scrambled towards the noise, almost falling over as they reached Sidekick.

“Sidekick? You’re alive. You’re alive!” Hero took Sidekick into their arms, holding on tight. “I thought I’d lost you.”

“H-hero? What happened?” Sidekick said, eyes unfocused.

“You were out on patrol. You didn’t check in, and I got worried.” Hero held onto Sidekick as if they’d disappear the moment they let go. “It took me so long to find you, I was so scared.”

“I saw Villain.” Sidekick looked up. “I thought I could take them by myself, b-but I couldn’t. I’m so stupid, I should have called you as soon as I saw them.”

Hero squeezed their shoulder. “You’re not stupid. I should’ve realized you weren’t ready for solo patrol. Or kept you in the smaller areas, at the very least.”

Sidekick shook their head. “It’s not your fault. I kept on bugging you, and I made the choice to fight Villain alone.”

Hero pressed Sidekick’s forehead against their own. This was real. They were alive. Any doubts Hero had vanished the moment the colour in Sidekick’s cheeks returned. They would die before they saw the waxy, greyed skin again.

A slight smile appeared on Sidekick’s face, “Where did you look for me, anyway? A chimney? Your face is covered in soot.”

“Something like that.” Hero laughed halfheartedly, trying to hide their grimace.

Sidekick must have noticed, because they took Hero’s hands in their own. “I’m sorry.”

Hero rested their chin on Sidekick’s head, “Promise you’ll call for backup next time?”

“I promise. I love you.”

A trail of smoke left their lips. “I love you, too.”

[mosswillow]

Learning To Love - Steve Rogers x Reader (featuring Texas vibes)

Summary: Life always does this thing where it puts you in situations you swore you were done experiencing. You’re done having relationships, but they may not be done with you.

Warnings: Smut, feelings, angst, interrupted assault  (In relation to this, attacker going unpunished, intimidation, stalker vibes.), mature themes, 18+ adult content, slow burn?

A/N: This is a gift for @joannie95 for the Hoelentine’s Day challenge! I hope you like it. This isn’t a dark fic but it is a little heavy, there’s a healthy dollop of anxiety and feelings throughout with a happy ending.

Thanks to  @amythedvdhoarder @chrissquares and @drabblewithfrannybarnes  for putting this whole thing together, it’s such a fun challenge!

By clicking keep reading you confirm you’re over 18. This is mature content, be careful.

Unlovable.

When asked to describe yourself it’s the first word you think of. Your very first boyfriend spent months emotionally abusing you and by the end of the relationship it’s what you truly believed about yourself. Every relationship after has been the same. Your insecurities and inability to trust causing tension that eventually sabotages any chance at making things work; and with each failed relationship your view of yourself becomes more and more loathsome. Self hatred and depreciation surround you in a cloak of misery, convincing you that they’re your friends.  It’s all your fault, you deserve all of it, You’re unlovable.

So you don’t do relationships anymore. You want nothing more than to love and be loved, to hold hands and kiss under the moonlight. You want a partner to share your life with, an emotional connection that transcends yourself, creating a whole new person.

If only you were good enough, worthy enough for love.

But you’re not.

---

“No eating in here Dr. Rogers,” you chide.

Steve looks up at you and gives a smirk.

“How about a little bribe.” He holds up a bag of beaver nuggets. You roll your eyes and look around before sticking your hand in and grabbing a few puffs.

“I knew you couldn’t be perfect all the time,” He teases.

“Don’t you have an office or something?”

“I like it better here, I get to be scolded by a beautiful librarian and don’t have to deal with the other professors.”  

You’ve known Steve for years. He started teaching at the same time you joined the library staff at Rice. He’s genuine and kind. You’ve watched him help countless students outside of office hours. Everyone likes him, including you. You really like him a lot. That’s why you can’t let yourself entertain the possibility of being with him. You can’t lose him. You can’t bear the inevitable conclusion of him looking you in the eyes and telling you he’s done, that you’re too much for him.

“Well you’ll have to pack it up, they’re sending everyone home because of the hurricane.”

“It’s barely even a hurricane, more like a tropical storm,” Steve scoffs.

“Sorry, I don’t make the rules.”

You close the library down before heading to your car. The wind has already started and the sky darkens by the second. You smell the slight scent of sea air and know it’s close. The humidity, which you forgot could even get this bad, causes you to start sweating profusely and you want to get home and take a shower before the storm starts. You have a pint of blue bell waiting for you at home along with a stack of unread books, a quiet night sounds perfect.

“Hey.”

You whip around and see a familiar face, a grad student who visits the library often. Alex, you remember.

“Sorry, I just closed the library down. You'll have to wait until the school opens.”

He takes a small step forward, close enough that your personal space is violated, while at the same time far enough to where the invasion feels almost accidental.

“I’ve watched you around campus, noticed your schedule.” It’s not an accident.

It’s not unusual for students to flirt with you but this is less flirting and more just creepy.

“Oh, um yeah I work a lot.” you take a step back and he follows.

“You don’t have a boyfriend.” He states.

You stare at him and take another step back, hitting your back on your car. You grab onto the handle and he reaches out and grabs your hand.

“Hey don’t be like that. I’m a good guy. I won’t hurt you.”

You pry your hand away..

“One date, say yes.” He says, slowly pushing his body towards you.

“No, I have to go.”  

You press yourself against your car as his body goes rigid.

“You’re such a fucking tease, parading around me for weeks.”

He takes a tiny step back but places his hands against your car, caging you in. You close your eyes and freeze in fear. Your mind screams at you to move but your body just won’t.

He’s suddenly pulled away from you and when you open your eyes the only thing visible is Steve’s back.

“She said no, why don’t you move along and maybe spend some time considering why you feel entitled to women who clearly aren’t interested.”

Alex and Steve stare at each other for a few slow moments before Alex scowls at you and walks away.

“Are you ok?” Steve turns to you.

“I’m fine.” you lie, crossing your arms to avoid shaking.

Steve raises his eyebrows and looks you up and down. You’re not entirely sure how it happens but somehow you end up sitting in the passenger seat of Steve's truck, looking at your apartment building. Rain has started coming down in earnest and you dread running through it.

“Are you going to be ok alone?” Steve asks

“Are you?” You reply.

You look at eachother and your mind clears. His blue eyes stare at you with concern. Steve's hands are still on the steering wheel, clutching on like it might disappear if he lets go. You don’t want to be alone and you can tell that he doesn’t either. You want to feel safe and right now Steve is the only one who makes you feel that way. It would be so easy to invite him in, you know he would say yes.

“You don’t have a car. do you have food? Bottled water? A portable charger?” Steve asks.

“You’re the one that said it’s barely a hurricane.”

Steve sighs and releases his hands from the steering wheel.

“Just call me if you need me.”

You nod and climb out of the truck. The transition from the hot rain to your air conditioned apartment causes you to start shivering and even after you change and cover yourself in a warm blanket you still shake uncontrollably.

---

The storm lasts three days, worse than you were expecting but nothing like Harvey.

Steve shows up at your apartment bright and early a bag of conchas and breakfast tacos in hand. You climb in his truck and buckle your seatbelt. Steve eyes your book bag before backing up.

“You’re not going to work are you?”

“It’s been three days.” you reply.

He looks at you like you’re crazy and you shift uncomfortably in your seat.

“It wasn’t that bad, you got there before anything actually happened,” you say.

He opens his mouth and breathes in before biting his lip and driving you to work without another word.

Steve walks you to your car every day after work. You don’t ask him to, he just does. It’s an unsaid expectation you both have. The first week is awkward, You both say almost nothing to each other. The second week though Steve finally breaks the silence.

“How have you been?”

You shrug.  

“I filed a complaint. He’s barred from the library and promised not to come near me.” you say.

Steve purses his lips.

“Do you feel safe though?”

“No...”

Steve stiffens and you reach out and grasp his shoulder.

“Thank you for walking me to my car.”

“Of course,” Steve closes the door for you and you drive away.

Steve cracked something on your exterior. You had been pushing off the feelings before Steve asked you how you were and now you can’t push them down any longer. You get in the shower and let the warm water wash over you. At first you feel raw and then angry and then for the first time since it happened you cry. It feels silly, to let something so seemingly small affect you so much. It could have been so much worse, it’s not like anything actually happened. Maybe that’s what scares you, not what happened but the implication of what could have. He invaded your space and intimidated you, making you feel small and helpless. If it wasn’t for Steve…

You let yourself fall apart until the water turns cold, then you pick yourself up and wrap yourself in a soft towel.

You look at the woman in your bathroom mirror and see someone who isn’t you. She’s broken and hurting, her eyes swollen from crying. She looks like she’s about to fall over from exhaustion. She didn’t deserve what happened to her. She has every right to feel upset and frightened about it. She didn’t deserve to have her safety threatened, nobody deserves that.

You didn’t deserve it.

You go to work the next day and the day after that. Days turn into weeks turn into months and the fear slowly leaches out of you as you reach out for help. The woman in your bathroom mirror deserves therapy and so do you.

Steve is always there. He walks you to your car every day. He starts texting you and you text him back. You go out to dinner with him, an ethiopian place this weekend and a mediteranian food truck the next. You form inside jokes and slowly you find yourself telling Steve little things about yourself.

“Why are you single?” You ask him one day.

“I had a girlfriend, she’s not with us anymore. After she… I guess I just… I wasn’t in a place for a long time to date anyone, I cringe now at some of the things I did while dating after she passed.”

He leans back and gives you a little smile.

“I’ll know when it’s the right time to jump back in - when it’s the right person.”

You open up about your past and he listens. He tells you about growing up as the smallest kid in his class, how he was bullied and how suddenly people started treating him differently when he hit a late growth spurt. You feel closer to him than you’ve ever felt with anyone.

---

Steve walks you to your car. Tomorrow is your off day and you stop to thank him and remind him you aren’t working the next few days. He’s looking at you and shifts on his feet, you furrow your brows in concern.

“It’s Valentine's day tomorrow.” He blurts out.

You take a step towards your car, knowing where this is going and not wanting it to go any further.

Steve is the one who holds you together, his friendship helping you in so many ways. He holds power over you though, power to throw you aside and break you apart. You can’t be cast away, not again.

“If you don’t have plans maybe I can make you something for dinner at my place?”

You turn away and grab your door handle.

“Sorry, I’m busy.”

“Oh of course, yeah that’s fine.”

You watch Steve bring his hand up to his forehead in the rearview mirror as you drive away.

That evening you write the text, it’s cowardly but you don’t think you can face him.

I don’t need you to walk me to my car anymore. Thank you for your help but I think our relationship should be professional from here on out.

What? No, we’re friends. Are you ok?

You turn your phone off and take a sleeping pill only to be woken in the middle of the night by pounding on your door.

Steve stands in your doorway. His eyes are red and his hair is messy. He takes a deep breath and runs his hand through his hair.

“You weren’t answering your phone.”

“I turned it off.”

Steve stares at you and you look away.

“What is this about?”

“What is what about?”

“We’re friends. I’m not going to stop being your friend just because you don’t want a relationship. I know this isn’t one sided, that you feel the same way about me. Why are you trying to push me away?”

You cross your arms and look down and he leans over, putting himself in your line of sight.

“If I let you in I’ll get hurt,” you confess.

“Why do you think that?”

‘I..” You stutter

It’s not one moment. Not any one breakup you’ve been through. It’s not even what happened months ago during the hurricane. It’s everything. It’s self hatred, overthinking and analyzing. It’s all the anxiety and stress of life that compounds into fear. Fear of failing and of loss, of getting hurt and breaking. You feel like the only way to keep yourself up and moving is by pushing him away.

“You’re so scared of being hurt but Y/N, you’re hurting. You’re doing to yourself the very thing you’re so scared of.”

Tears start forming, Steve brings his hand up and wipes one away before pulling you into a hug and letting you cry into his chest.

He shifts his face close to your ear and speaks softly.

“I have fear too, but you know what I’m the most scared of? I’m scared of not being your friend anymore. We don’t have to be in a relationship but please don’t cut me out.”

His voice hitches and his grip tightens.

“I love you, I care about you and always will.”

You pull back and look at him, a tear escapes one of his eyes and he promptly wipes it away.

“I’m scared,” you say.

“I am too.”

Your heart beats rapidly as you look up into Steve's bloodshot eyes and see the pain that you’re feeling mirrored back at you. Steve holds power over you but for the first time you realize that you hold that same power over him. You never thought you would be willing to put yourself in a vulnerable position again but somehow, here you are. You put your hand over your heart and feel the life pump out if it and through your veins.

reaching up tentatively, you bring your hand to his face grabbing his cheek gently. You stand up tall and slide your hand behind his neck, bringing him in and kissing him. Tension releases from both of you as you press your lips together, embracing in a warm hug. You pull away and he brings you in for another kiss, this time pushing you into your apartment and kicking the door closed behind him.

It’s a flurry of body parts and heat. You’re ripping off each other's clothing. Steve kisses your neck and you bring your hand to his chest and feel down his abdomen. He groans when you get to his dick and the next thing you know you’re on the bed arching your back as he slams into you. You open your mouth to moan but nothing comes out, Instead your eyes roll to the back of your head as an orgasm washes through you and carries you away.

“Fuck, I’m coming,” He says.

He stills on top of you and then looks down making eye contact before rolling beside you and pulling you into a hug.

“That was...” Steve starts

“Amazing.” you finish.

You pry yourself from Steve and walk to the bathroom to clean up, stopping at the mirror to look at your post sex appearance.

Maybe there’s no way around it. Maybe life will stick you in situations and force you forward against your will. You weren’t trying to let Steve into your life but somehow here he is.

For the first time you don’t don’t feel like this unlovable person. You’re not scared he’s going to leave you or that you’re going to ruin the relationship.

You have a feeling you’ve never truly experienced before and now it all makes sense. Somehow in the last few months you’ve learned to love. You look at yourself in the mirror and see someone worthy.

You’ve spent all your time and energy pushing people away when you should have been building yourself up. You thought that taking care of yourself meant hiding away and putting up a wall.

Self care isn’t a bubble bath or a glass of wine and It’s not something that happens out of fear or anxiety. It’s affording yourself the same kindness and forgiveness that you would give anyone else. It’s looking at yourself in the mirror and recognizing that you deserve to love and to be loved. It’s giving yourself permission to feel however you feel without guilt or shame. It’s love in its purest form and you deserve it.

You are not unlovable.

Steve walks up beside you and kisses your temple.

“When you said you loved me...” you start.

“I meant it.”  He says quickly.

You turn and look at him, biting your lip before saying something you’ve been so scared of for so long. You kiss his cheek and smile.

“I love you.”  

[pollylynn]

Title: Hoodwinked WC: 1200 Episode: Love Me Dead (2 x 09)

He supposes it’s only right that he take his lumps after buys absolutely everything Scarlett Prices is selling. Well. Not quite everything she’s selling, but he can’t exactly make a case for himself by announcing to the bullpen that he did not, in fact, take the call-girl-turned-pimp up on her offer of one-hundred percent free sex. But that is literally the only thing he didn’t buy . . . or wouldn’t have bought . . . or whatever. The point is Scarlett Price identified him as an easy mark and he lived down to the reputation, and now he’s prepared to take his lumps.

It’s not so bad, really. The external razzing he gets is mostly the rough-housing-among-family vein, and he’s still enough of the new kid that it gives him a perverse little thrill when they knock him around like he’s one of the boys. And in any case, the lame jokes and the picture of Huggy Bear taped to his chair really can’t compete with the internal, self-administered lumps he’s got going on.

He is cringing—positively cringing—in retrospect about how the entire scenario went down. His mind insists on replaying, over and over, the dumb questions he asked: What’s a perfectly nice call girl like you doing working for the ADA who is clearly the dirt bag in this scenario? He’s mortified when he thinks of the way she masterfully fed him the tiniest threads of a story, then sat back as he did all the heavy lifting, filling in the blanks until she’d risen to the lofty heights of the most tragic of heroines, continually failed by a cruel world until he came along.

You don’t have to be that person with me. The eye roll he has for himself over that hackneyed bit of dialogue might actually be Beckett league, so yeah. The external lumps that he’s taking kind of roll right off his back, because falling for the story isn’t the half of it.

He’d screwed up the case. He’d shouldered his way into the conversation, armor shining, and promised her anonymity and protection if she gave them information on the new Danton. He couldn’t wait fifteen seconds for Beckett, an absolute master at securing cooperation, to do just that. He’d knocked that domino right over and left Knox roaming the streets. He’d held on to the photo of Reverend He’s a Client Miller for dramatic effect, and set the stage for Knox’s murder, to say nothing of Scarlett’s ascension to the role of New York City’s third “Danton” in something like forty-eight hours.

So he lets the blows fall. Ryan and Esposito ride him almost constantly. The Captain gets his shots in. It’s a general free-for-all, regardless of who’s on shift or what time of day it is. He’s reasonably sure people he’s never met are swarming up from lower floors and raining down from above to get in on the action. Or it’s possible that the intense state of gloom that’s come over him is distorting his perception of Lumpville, population one, ever so slightly. In any case, he keeps his head down and wonders if maybe he ought not slink off entirely for a while.

She is, as promised, a major player early on. I told you so most definitely starts the morning after they bring Scarlett in, and for days afterward, she makes a show of asking whether any hookers with hearts of gold showed up on his doorstep overnight. She sacrifices what he assumes must have been an old pair of heels she didn’t like very much for the first of many wordless sight gags.

But she drops out of the proceedings not more than a few days in. He doesn’t exactly notice, though he vaguely misses the ingenuity of the lumps she administers. By then, the rest of the precinct has gotten to the point where they’re recycling their very best Miss Kitty jokes, and that’s damning with faint praise.

The world goes on as is. He knows this too shall pass, but so far, no one—not even Ryan—has done something boneheaded enough to get him out of the barrel. And then she pulls him out, literally almost.

“Come on.” She yanks him by the arm, up and out of the chair he’s been slouching in. “Take a walk.”

He’s still in his own head enough that he thinks she means alone. He thinks she might actually have realized that she should kick his gullible ass to the curb, but she’s walking with him. She’s marching him to the elevator, then out on to the street. She’s striking out north from the precinct and not looking back. He’s bewildered enough to fall ten steps behind, then he has to toil to catch up.

“Buy me a hot dog,” she commands. She gestures sharply to the cart that he’s pretty sure wasn’t there until she willed it into being two seconds ago. “And chips.”

She strolls off to nearby bench while he fills her order. He hands off the food and sits a careful distance away from her, almost at the opposite end of the bench. He’s not sure if this is a last meal or what, but whether it’s misery or wariness talking, something like minimum safe distance seems like a good idea.

She unwraps her hot dog and digs in. She crunches one, two, three chips before she wipes her hands on a napkin in business-like fashion.

“You and the whole thing with Scarlett Price,” she says, her voice clipped. “I did the same thing with Buckley.”

He doesn’t say anything. He’s not sure what he would say, given that he’s more than a little lost here. He’s reasonably sure she didn’t half kiss the very much deceased ADA Buckley, so he doesn’t say anything. But she doesn’t say anything either, and the noise of midday traffic settles heavily between them.

“He must have just wanted easy company. Must have wanted to get her out of the life.” She’s doing some kind of unflattering impression of herself. Ironic quotation marks abound, and he’s not quite sure what he’s witnessing here.“Why would he become a pimp, why would he get involved with a criminal.” She rolls her eyes and demolishes the last of her hot dog as though she’s holding a grudge. “Buckley was a dirt bag, but I couldn’t see it. Everyone said he was one of the good ones . . .”

“And you fell for it.”

“I fell for it,” she says, absolutely deadpan.

He gives her a sideways smile that gets about three-quarters of the way to the real thing. He remembers suddenly Alexis, returning from her secret meeting and tossing the word nice over her shoulder, re: Beckett. He’d almost laughed out loud at the time at the incongruity of the word in the same sentence with her name. But she’s sitting on a park bench crunching down chips she made him buy her and he can’t think of anything more apt to describe her in this moment. She’s really nice.

“Don’t be too hard on yourself, Beckett. It happens to the best of us.”

A/N: The amorphousness here is a definite "Beware of the Blob" situation; long day, got a very late start on this.

images via homeofthenutty

[mochimiyas]

reassurance

pairings: platonic!sakusa kiyoomi x reader 

warnings: angst (fluff at the end), mentions of depression (subtly?), first time writing sakusa (so my apologies since he may be ooc), lowercase intended

a/n: ahhhh sorry for being MIA for a hot minute ): been busy with work and getting this new apartment since the one im living in is absolute dog shit. this fic is based on personal experience and i just need a little reassurance today, so its entirely self-indulgent <3 enjoy! content under the cut...

sakusa kiyoomi was utterly confused and internally, freaking out at the scene unfolding right in front of his eyes.

seeing you laying in your bed listlessly with tears staining your reddened cheeks was an unruly sight to see. sakusa felt his heart clench at the sight of you trying to lift yourself up to greet him but to only fail and fall back down in your bed, curling up in a ball. he looked around the room to see clean and dirty clothes thrown astray, boxes and boxes of takeout cluttered up around your trashcan, and papers laying haphazardly around you. 

the urge to cringe and shudder in disgust at the state of your room was immense, but for you, only for you, he held back in consideration to your feelings at the moment. 

you and sakusa have been friends since childhood, meeting through komori since you got transferred to the same class as him. sakusa couldn’t understand why komori wanted him to meet you so badly and once he did, he realized why. 

your personality is what drew sakusa to you like a moth to flame. seeing your cheerful yet calm disposition contrasted to his own. people often described you two to be “yin and yang,” and that you were destined to meet each other, which the former itachiyama ace scoffs at the ludicrous idea, but nonetheless brings a small smile at the thought of it. he couldn’t imagine a life without you, and you to him. your friendship with the ace is something he wants to cherish as much as he could, and seeing you spiraling downwards slowly kills him inside. 

sakusa quietly sauntered over to you and kneeled down near your bed, nudging you with his elbow. you lifted your head to see sakusa signal his head towards your restroom, indicating that he wanted you to clean up. you sighed as you unfurled from your position and stretched, groaning as some of your joints popped. you head over to the restroom to freshen up and once he heard the shower running, sakusa immediately went to work on cleaning. 

he wanted you to know that he was there for you like you were there for him. he wanted you to feel that you weren’t alone because you always spent time with him whenever his parents and/or his older siblings were too busy to come home. you’ve always went out of your way to show sakusa that you weren’t there for his looks, nor his celebrity status from being in msby. you were there long before that, and you were there because you genuinely wanted to be his friend, and sakusa couldn’t be more than grateful for that. you never asked for anything in return and he felt it was time for him to start showing his appreciation and gratitude for you.

~

“kiyoomi-chin? where are you,” you called from the restroom. you peeked into your room after you finished showering to see that your mask-clad friend was no longer in the room, causing some confusion. ‘where did he go?’ you wondered as you slung your towel around your neck and adjusted your clothes. turning off the light, you exited the bathroom and dropped your phone in shock at the sight before you. 

there wasn’t any clothes scattered about on the floor; no crumpled papers in sight and your takeout boxes was taken care of. the musty smell from staying in bed all day was gone and the faint smell of lysol and laundry detergent wafted through the air, the scent instantly comforting you. tears pricked at the corner of your eyes and you brought a hand to muffle your sobs. you couldn’t believe sakusa would clean up for you, let alone feel comfortable enough to see you in your previous state knowing of his sanitary tendencies. throughout the years, sakusa would subtly do minor things for you whenever you needed a hand but never something like this to this degree. 

you furiously wiped your tears and made way to your living room, hoping to see him; you wanted to thank and repay him for his kindness. 

the smell of sukiyaki* hit you with full force the moment you stepped into your living room and looking to the left, you see the chiseled back of the outside hitter cleaning all of your dishes. 

“kiyoomi”

startled, he turned to see you standing at the kitchen entry way with a misty-eyed look and stepped back from the sudden force of you hugging him like your life is depending on it. sighing, he took off his gloves, gingerly wrapping his arms around your shaking form. all he could hear was the muffled mantras of “thank you,” as he brought his hand to your damp hair and gently patted your head while you cried. 

“let’s eat some sukiyaki okay? the food is getting cold”

~

after eating the hearty meal sakusa cooked, you both sat down in your living room to watch some dumb cheesy drama as you basked in each others presence. the nagging feeling in the back of your mind was still there, lingering around. your mental illness was something that’s going to stick around for a long while, but with having sakusa by your side, you felt like you can overcome your demons. 

you turned to face sakusa, ”seriously kiyoomi-chin, thank you for cleaning up after me. i should’ve done it before you came over but-”

“no buts,” sakusa interrupted,”i don’t mind cleaning up after you, but i will say.”

you waited for him to continue as he cleared his throat. suddenly he felt claustrophobic and the walls were closing in on him, but the need for you to know his appreciation was stronger.

“i know i’ve told iizuna-san this when we lost at nationals during my second year, but this also applies to you. your mental illness brings you down and makes you spiral out of control. you shut yourself away from everyone and people worry about you. in that situation, it would be common sense to help you out and be nice to you. nothing else is necessary. but when i hear your people around you talk about how ‘it sucks to see you like that,’ then i feel even sorrier for you. you don’t deserve people pitying you just because. you deserve to have people around you to help you while you’re going through hard times. i haven’t done anything in the past to truly show my support for you, and i foolishly believed that you can overcome whatever you have going on without us telling you that you can,” you snorted at his pout and he glared at you. 

he continued, “but i was wrong. i want you to know that your efforts never go unnoticed. all the time and dedication you put into your work, school, and your friends around you; i’ve seen what you’ve done for others and for yourself. there will be a time your efforts will flourish and you’ll be at a better place than you were at before. if you ever feel like this again, just know i’ll be there like you have for me.” 

sakusa finally made eye contact and saw that you were tearing up again. he wrapped his arm around you and instinctively, you laid your head on his shoulder. the warmth sakusa radiated made you lean further into his body, making you feel secure and content. 

you couldn’t help but cry at his sudden declaration. it was so unlike of sakusa to say these sorts of things to you due to his realist personality. he tends to keep to himself and only says anything that would be of any substance in a conversation he’s in. so for him to go out of his way to clean up after you, let alone verbally showing his support for you makes you felt like you have a place in this world again. 

you both sat in silence after, him languidly stroking your hair and you slowly falling into a deep slumber. before you completely fell asleep, you called for sakusa, in which he turned his head towards you. 

“thank you for the reassurance. i’m glad we’re friends.” 

your eyes fluttered shut, and sakusa chuckled at your ability to fall asleep instantly. 

“i’m glad we’re friends as well” 

[onyourzeus]

12:15 am | kyh

ykcyj ➝ arskyh

title: 12:15am pairing: kang younghyun (youngk of day6) & you genre: fluff, small caps words: 2.4k

author’s note: extra fic for tonight, just all around fluffy bf!yonk getting a call from his drunk s/o in the middle of the night. do enjoy.

any requests? check my pinned post if i’m accepting any at the moment, thanks!

younghyun loves the grind. but if there’s anything else that he looks forward to during a hard and long day of working, it’s the feeling of coming home once he’s done. he makes sure to take off his shoes with as less noise as possible, knowing the fact that his roommates slash bandmates are enjoying their sleeping hours of peace and solitude. 

with just a loose shirt and boxers on, he finally feels less restricted and more comfortable in his own skin. the urge to clean himself of sweat, and polluted air that had clung on him with a nice, hot shower is tempting— but the exhaustion in his heavy shoulders and drooping eyelids convince him otherwise. 

he’ll hate himself for dirtying his sheets, but tomorrow is sunday which means it’s time to do his laundry, anyway. 

tossing his used clothes in the hamper, he prepares his body to get swallowed by the softness of his comforter, and the warm void of his thick blankets. of course, before he passes out entirely tonight, he doesn’t forget to send you a text. the one important thing he shouldn’t miss out on. 

really tired. gonna crash in 2 seconds. text you tmr, love you

usually, younghyun would wait until you respond because the many heart emojis that come his way act as his goodnight kiss while the two of you are apart. besides, you normally reply in an instant which is a habit he’s worried about, really, since you need some rest too. 

he tries to fight the sleepiness away from his senses, but the more he sits on his bed, back hunched and ready to collapse, the less energy he has left to wait for your message. he frowns, suddenly wondering about your whereabouts. you always tell him first hand if you’re too busy to check your phone throughout the day, and younghyun appreciates the thoughtfulness. even if he couldn’t reply “okay” right away, the two of you have a shared sense of understanding as to how your kind of long distance relationship works by now. 

sighing, he eventually puts his phone on the bedside table and plops himself in the covers. it feels really, really good to be in his own personal space now, and younghyun thinks he deserves to rest longer than normal tonight; it was a pretty productive day in the studio. he finished another collab with an artist he’s been meaning to contact for months, and he was glad it came to fruition with great success. he also managed to write a few arrangements for the band’s upcoming album, even if the group decided it was too early to work on it yet. 

younghyun believes it’s never too early as long as inspiration is present. if he didn’t so much as write down possible lyrics or harmonies on a piece of paper every day, he’d slowly feel his motivation being sucked out of him. if he was being honest, that was one of his worst fears as an artist, so every day is work for him, it just depends on how much he wants to get done in a day. 

as his thoughts fizzle out in his mind, his consciousness brings him to dreamland until a constant vibrating noise disrupts him from his end table. younghyun is about to pull the sheets over his head, thinking nothing of the sound but an annoying notification from something unimportant— but then he remembers you. 

with his second guess being right, younghyun has a twinge of guilt in his throat for believing you were not worth it to get up from the coziness of his bed. rubbing his eyes to seem more awake, he picks up the call and greet you in a whisper. 

“hi, baby, what’s up?” younghyun says, voice low and hoarse from multiple recordings in the studio. 

“cheese,” you mumble on the other end, voice rather solid and awake which causes younghyun to perk up a bit. 

“what was that?” 

“cheeeeese, brian,” you slur, elongating the repeated word as well as saying it in a higher pitch. immediately, younghyun senses the somewhat incoherent mumble in your nevertheless pretty voice, and judging from the fact you unironically called him by his english name, there was only one explanation: you’re drunk. 

he finds himself smiling as he answers, “are you home, babe?” he wasn’t angry about you drinking, he does remember you telling him a few days ago that you might go out with friends but you weren’t sure when. maybe tonight was the night and you just forgot to remind him; no big deal. 

“i think so?” you hiccup, followed by a soft chuckle. younghyun’s heart soars at the sound, and it pains him at the same time that he couldn’t be there to hold and take care of you. he leans against the headboard, making himself more comfortable as he listens to you ramble on. 

“all i know is that— burp— it was wendy’s birthday… or was it her cousin? cause she was there too, and i never met her before and— oh my god, i don’t even remember her name i’m such a bad new friend— whatever, anyway, it was someone’s celebration and we bar hopped to a lot of places and it became really sweaty and loud and at one point i had a flamingo shot in my hand and and—”

“hold up, flamingo? you mean flaming?” younghyun interjects, chuckling at your jumbled up story. he imagines you shaking your head as you whine at him for interrupting you. “no, nooooo. it was red and fiery and there was a lot of smoke and i’m sure it represented the beautiful, long-legged bird called flemings.”

this time, younghyun couldn’t stop himself from choking out a laugh, and in turn you huff from the other end, and refuse to continue further. 

“i’m sorry, go on. please, i’m interested with what happened after you took this mysterious shot that starts with an f.”

“are you sure you won’t laugh?” he hears you quip in a tiny, slurring voice, and it his chest tightens at the thought of making you go through this drunken state alone. younghyun cards through his hair in frustration towards himself, realizing how much he misses you in the moment. he doesn’t want you to stop talking, god if he can only see your lips move in person—

“i promise, babe. so, what happened next?”

“if you say so,” you mutter indignantly, but proceed with the story even though you’re unsure of where it’s going. “um, actually. that was it. i think i took everyone’s flamingo shots in their hands and next thing i remember, wendy or her cousin or whoever it was tucked me in bed and now i’m in the kitchen eating cheese.” 

the string of words you had uttered made younghyun feel three emotions in succession: one, impressed that you were able to down more than one shot while he’s not there to monitor you; two, relieved that you confirmed your safety inside your apartment; and three, plain confusion as to why you didn’t stay in bed and instead, eating what you say is cheese while on the call with him. 

“can we turn on the videocall?” he asks gently, and you hesitate.

“i don’t look cute right now…”

“you’re always cute. please?” he tries to sound convincing, knowing that you do get insecure when your face is flushed red from the alcohol. even still, he doesn’t tire from complimenting you otherwise. 

“okay,” you relent, and younghyun’s heart skips a beat anticipating the sight of you on his phone. he turns on his camera, and he’s appalled at what he sees: daar under eyes, no make up on, and a face that describes weariness to a T. in this case, it should be him who feels insecure looking the way he is, but he’d take the risk if it meant seeing your face. 

“hello? is this thing on??” after a few seconds of lag, your screen cleared up and younghyun watches you poke the camera repeatedly. “bri, it’s so dark in here am i even alive right now?”

you never fail to lift his mood up during an exhausting day of activities— as your schedules collide against each other, and there would be less time for moments like right now, younghyun only asks for a few texts sent his way as reassurance that you’re still with him. you always comply, and sometimes younghyun doesn’t get to uphold his side of the commitment during the rare days that he just want to shut off the world.

still, he’ll wake up from a text with your name on it, and the hearts he missed the night before. and he feels whole, and ready to take on the world again.

so this time, younghyun wants to make you feel heard— and seen, as these days work seems to occupy more of his time and burden him with the pressure of exceeding his own expectations. you don’t like seeing him worry about how he’s doing in the industry, so younghyun does his best to appear cheerful and curious in front of you— or his phone, at least.

“yes, you’re very much alive right now, babe. are you really eating cheese at this hour?” he shouldn’t have asked. it was obvious the thing in your hand was, in fact, string cheese being eaten in the most ungodly fashion, but it’s you— and younghyun would rather watch you bite into it, cringing inwardly, instead of passing out with another day longing for your presence. 

“let’s eat cheese together,” you suggest, shoving the half-bitten string cheese into the center of the camera as if it was a mic being handed over to younghyun. “do you want to eat cheese with me, bri?” you ask again, tone small but hopeful. you put your hand down, and younghyun finally has a full view of your face. 

you had taken your makeup off, judging from the bare skin and slightly smeared lipstick on the side of your lips. your hair was splayed out down your shoulders, a combination of curly and straight strands framing your beautiful face. he surmises you used a curling iron this morning, imagining the frustration on your facial features as you try to make it work. 

“briannnn, cheese?” 

younghyun focuses on the present, and he notices the glimmer in your eyes amidst the only light coming on your end was his screen’s brightness. he shakes his head slowly which causes you to pout. 

“no thank you, baby, you can have it all.” 

“but i saved some for you, right here. you get the other half. just like you’re my other half. hehe, get it?” 

“yes, baby, that’s very sweet and clever of you.”

“you should hire me as your lyrics… manager. maker? lyrics person? lyricist!” you grin widely after figuring out the right term, and take another bite off the string cheese. 

“i think you’re doing a great job at being my girlfriend, though,” younghyun tells you, and it takes a few seconds for those words to process until he hears the eventual whine, and covering of your face with your free hand. 

“babe.” no response.

“baaabe.” you mumble something he couldn’t hear. younghyun takes in how adorable you are, and doesn’t pester you for a minute. this bothers you, apparently, as you peek through your fingers and catch him doing one of his silly faces that corners you to laugh abruptly. 

“not fair!! you know that works every time,” you whine in defeat, and younghyun can only smile proudly in response. 

“you know,” you start off, and younghyun prepares himself for another stream of consciousness on your end before you continue, “even if we’re far away from each other, and that we can’t eat cheese together, you’re still the best boyfriend in the entire galaxy.” 

if there’s anything else that younghyun loves apart from the feeling of coming home after work, it’s the feeling of being loved by you. 

he waits for you to finish your string cheese, and you argue that you’d like to eat another one. but it was getting late, and younghyun didn’t want to look even more tired on call, so he urges that you two fall asleep while the call goes on. 

as he wiggles back inside the covers, he watches you struggle to get your whole body in the comfort of your blanket. his hand holds on the phone as he readies himself to sleep sideways. 

“stupid blanket,” you mutter in annoyance, deciding to take one leg out of the warm sheets and at last, feel content on your bed.”that’s better,” you sigh, eyes falling asleep before younghyun. 

“comfortable?”

“not really.”

“oh, why not?” younghyun asks. 

“you’re not here beside me.” and your answer breaks his heart. 

younghyun is pretty good at consoling you with his words at times when you need it, but you beat him to it this time. 

“it’s okay though, younghyun, i can get by like this for now. i know—” you yawn in between, “you’re working super hard for the next comeback— actually, you work no matter what project you’re doing, babe. you’re insane, i hope you know that.”

it was younghyun’s turn to blush, and hide his face in the pillow. the drowsiness is making him soft, and weak from denying the truth in your words. he can definitely agree with a lot of people in his life that he needs to take it slow some days. and when it comes from you, he then knows to take that advice seriously. 

“i do know that, baby.” 

“it’s not bad, though!!” you object, zooming in to your eyes as if to let him know you’re saying it as a good thing. younghyun chuckles again, lifting his face up so he can witness your goofy antics once more. 

“i think it’s… really badass. you go younghyun,” you yawn again, dropping the phone as sleep attempts to befall upon you. “sorry, my hand was getting numb.”

“that’s okay, go to sleep now.” 

“no, you.” 

“that’s literally what we’re trying to do, babe.” 

he hears you snicker, and with that he felt it was okay to lay his phone next to him, too. he probably wouldn’t see your face in the morning on the call anymore as his phone wasn’t fully charged at all. however, as he hears you quietly snoring on the other end gives him a sense of security, and the status of his dead phone battery doesn’t matter so much for now. 

“i love you,” he whispers into the night, eyes closing in, smile taking him to dreams where he can hold you tight.

“love you more, younghyun.”

[iampikachuhearmeroar]

sometime in this last week, or this week coming, my blog has turned/turns 10. god. a decade old. a whole ass chunk of my life i’ve spent on this hellsite. when i began on here, i was a kid. a lost, lonely, depressed and anxious 15/16 year old kid. a kid scared of her future. a kid confused about her future. what to do for uni. to change schools or not??? to do drama/acting at uni or english/philosophy or to move 8hrs away to another regional uni to “escape” her “washed up, dead end hometown” that was so typical of all the pop-punk music that she was listening to at the time.

she was a tad overdramatic, loud, “funny” (as described by her school friends) and terribly forgetful in regards to homework and school assignments. she was angry at the world, most especially the catholic school she was fucking sick and tired of attending. but she was convinced that since she was the so-called “funny girl”, that she simply couldn’t be depressed or anxious. she believed herself unloveable because she didn’t look like a weird mixture of hayley williams and emo-pop queen lights. but now, i no longer believe that i have to look like the women that i looked up to in the ~emo scene~. fuck beauty standards. i am loveable.

in the years since joining tumblr, i’ve managed to get through business college, my undergrad degree and, well, failed out of postgrad due to obvious burnout and health issues amongst other things. although i’ve lost many friends irl and many followers/mutuals online on here. for those who’ve stuck around to see me get through all of this, thank you. to all the friends/casual mutuals that have since deactivated or only followed me for a short time then unfollowed; thank you.

like obviously i was never/have never been a massive popular blog on here, like thebootydiaries or vampireapologist (who has since deactivated a couple of months ago) with tens of thousands of followers. my follower count is still close to the 8,000 range at 7,892. obviously that’s still a lot of people (and of course, porn bots lmao and many, many non-active blogs), enough like one super old post from like 2012 tumblr pointed out, enough for a small to medium sized city or town, or something like that. i don’t know how many people i’ve really reached. i really don’t know how i actually amassed this small army of people.

i am aware though, that on other platforms like snapchat (lmao does anyone even use it anymore in 2021???)/instagram/youtube/tiktok etc, i’d PROBABLY be considered as some type of ~micro influencer (🤮🤮)~. hell, i actually had a bot slide into my notes about being one on here on this hellsite back in 2019. i don’t know if i’ve ever actually ~influenced~ anyone on here with my shitposts (when i started making some) or my personal posts. i don’t know my reach. even though, now, i do occasionally get featured on buzzfeed listicles (although pay me buzzfeed along with the OPs of those original embedded posts), i still don’t know how many people i’ve reached… and even with my very occasional checks of google analytics lmao. on top of this, grappling with the loss of followers at times is much, much easier than it was when i began on here and the first few years following that. i know that my follower count doesn’t determine my worth and stuff.

but over these 10 years, i have grown. i turn 26 this year. back in 2011, 15/16yo me never thought she’d be here. she was partially down the suicidal thoughts hole, with things about ~picturing her funeral and wondering who’d bother to turn up. if only she could pretend to be dead for a day to see who’d give a fuck~ and 16-18yo me was defs down it with her HSC hellscape thoughts in 2012/2013. that 3rd floor tafe/tech women’s bathroom window drop and the thought of scarring her class for life (and that cool dude from catholic school that she crushed on who ended up at tafe with her) with jumping out of it onto the concrete below. instead, she just posted on fb about ~being a failure~ etc which ultimately did lose her a bunch of facebook friends lmao. it was practically the same thing. her mental breakdown after the end of her hsc, where she let her earrings go green and get infected in her ears because “fuck self care, bc what the fuck is it??? i’ll never get better! let me fucking wallow in my self loathing bc it’s the only thing that i’m fucking good at!!!” so i no longer have my ears pierced. oh! it was just all too fucking much!!

i am happier today. i no longer have those semi-suicidal thoughts. hell, i almost died in 2020 from a fucking bowel aneurysm, after my stomach tumour excision surgery. that forced me to put things into perspective. i appreciate the little things . i appreciate the very few friends that i actually have. yes. i’m still depressed and anxious. some days are still shitty and hard. but nowhere as hard and shitty as they were back when i began on here 10 years ago.

how the fuck last 10 years have gone past, with my ass on here; clearing out my blog and caring more about doing that than my uni work (lmao whoops); having made some lifelong friends both internationally (from the US) and long distance domestically in australia, it’s been a long ride; i honestly have no fucking idea. obviously over these past 10 years, i’ve debated with myself over and over and over again whether i should delete/deactivate this account or not. would it make me healthier??? more than likely. but then when i have meltdowns or just inner ramblings i have to get out somewhere, where else to post??? on fb?? obvs not. it’s “attention seeking” or the like on there. no one will read them. no one will resonate. but on here??? even if i got/get one “like” in the notes or one “yo i feel this” response in the tags or replies, it feels like i’ve reached someone??? okay yeah. i know this place IS NOT therapy and i’m not using my followers as amateur (or probs even actual professional) armchair psychologists…. which is a thing i think people need to stop doing internet-wide: but that’s a whole other post that i reblogged a few days ago lmao. i really need to get another therapist, actually lmao.

but it’s the community i’ve found hard to leave. i have what feel like friends, when i’ve never been employed (still as of yet); and when all of my irl friends/acquaintances are working and doing the whole ~adulting~ and ~grown up life~ thing right. it’s also the frenzied rabidness of spite with hating staff’s godawful ideas. the memes. oh the memes. and also the RaWrInG 20s XD emo scene reemergence on here that’s kept me here. the messy petty drama from time to time of big blogs fighting it out.

this place really is bizarre and fun sometimes. and also the fact that i can still hide behind the ridiculous “roaring pikachu” URL that i made all those years ago. i am anonymous. it’s freeing. but on fb it’s all like “WHY WONT YOU ADD A BANNER IMAGE AND TELL US 20 FUN FACTS ABOUT YOU!!!!!???? LET PEOPLE WHO HAVENT SPOKEN TO YOU IN 10 YEARS KNOW EVERYTHING ABOUT YOU BECAUSE WE’RE ALL FRIENDS HERE!!!” and the same goes for Corporate Hellscape Facebook™️ (linkedin) but in the professional sense instead. y’all know fuck all about me really. besides my posts. and i love that and live for that. okay yeah. y’all know more about my mental health than my fb feed obvs… which is probably a terribly unfortunate thing. but still.

over the last 10 years then, my superiority complex for being ~so original and intelligent~ or whatever the fuck i had in high school, has all but ebbed away. i’m not that smart just because i went to uni. hell, i literally did NONE of my in-class work and none of my philosophy readings in uni….. so i have fuck all idea of how i got through undergrad like that lmao. i’m not original when so many people can articulate the same thoughts that i have, but like, sometimes better, on a post (even though sometimes/most of the time the Tumblr User Hot Takes Tuesday™️ takes on here are fucking awful lmao). but still. originality is not something i really have anymore. or really had in the first place lmao.

so will i deactivate after these 10 years, like i’ve been saying for so, so long??? i honestly have no idea. but just know. thanks guise. have a nice gpoy selfie day XD. grab your wands. your tardises. grab your war paint. grab your whatever the fuck other fandom specific stuff that was one that hella cringe post from 2011 til 2015 random tumblr. that relic is as old as time itself. just as this mysterious roaring pikachu is for someone whose too loyal to leave this W E B B E D H E L L S I T E that’s just as much of a train wreck as she is. lmao.

[nypmphetsbastard]

Paradis Island ch2

Genre: slowburn fanfiction, college!au

Pairings: yelena x fem!oc

Summary: college becomes a whirlpool of new people and emotions once you meet a woman by the name of yelena manages to weasel her way into your once perfect life and tear down everything you ever thought to be true. together, she introduces you to new world she likes to call 𝗽𝗮𝗿𝗮𝗱𝗶𝘀 𝗶𝘀𝗹𝗮𝗻𝗱.

Warnings: angst, smut, hurt/comfort, struggles with religion, homophobia

A/N: reminder that this story is also posted on ao3 [NYMPHETSBASTARD]

————————

PIECK'S FRIENDS couldn't be described anything short of...odd. Porco didn't talk much and when he did it was always sarcasm slipping out of his tongue and multiple eye rolls. Hange was....a character. You had recently come to find out about their wild science obsession that they swore up and down wasn't an obsession, was the main part of their personality. They rambled about random scientific theories that were proven right, wrong, unidentifiable and theories they believed to be correct. It was interesting and gave you a new perceptive on a lot of things you haven't thought about before.

Hange tackled you into a hug and rocked the two of you back and forth on the sidewalk outside of the library. Porco both tried and failed trying to get them off you and with a sigh he just gave up.

"I'm gonna miss you so much! Thank you for listening to me!" They pulled away with a gasp, "We need to hang out again soon! I have so much to tell you about!" You laughed at their excitement

"Okay okay Hange, I think she gets it." Pieck chuckled lightly, Hange dismissively waved their hand at their dark haired friend and pushed up their satchel.

"Bye! It was nice meeting you!" Hange exclaimed, waving their arm around wildly and almost smacking Porco in the face, earning them a glare from the blonde.

"See ya." Porco waved, ignoring Hange's air talking towards you that said 'call me' with a fake phone in their hand.

Laughing at Hange being yanked away by Porco for taking too long, you turned back to Pieck as she linked her arm in yours.

"You're friends are interesting." You pointed out, Pieck giggled and nodded

"Yeah they're definitely different, but I prefer a couple of weirdos than a big group of fake friends." Nodding in understanding, you began to think back to your home town.

"I wouldn't know. I've never had many friends and the one friend I did have barley paid attention to me or my life so..." you mumbled, drifting off thinking about how sad your life actually was.

"Well don't worry, you're not missing out on much." Pieck nudged you, "I had a big group of friends in high school and the one thing I learned is that popular people are only popular for their looks, definitely not personality." You two laughed together, "The group ended up being problematic for a lot of reasons and the only ones left that were still close were me and Porco. Funny thing is, Hange used to be considered a huge nerd in our school and our group made fun of them but me and Porco hung out with them and for some reason we just..,couldn't shake em off. They love us and we love them, even they do have a little screws loose in the head."

You laughed her joke but couldn't help but think about yourself. Wishing you had friends that cared about you and talked about you like Pieck did even when you weren't around.

Noticing your frown, Pieck nudged you once more, "And now you're our friend" you smiled at her and nodded. The one question that had been itching at your for hours finally felt like enough as you looked down at your moving feet.

"So...what's the deal with...Yelena?" It felt almost sinful saying her name, Pieck's attention instantly turned to you at the mention of her name.

"What do you mean?"

"Like...are you guys friends or....? How did you become close?" You asked hesitantly, the fair skinned girl looked over at you with a raised eyebrow.

"Are you asking me how to get a date with Yelena?" Pieck questioned, you stopped in your tracks and looked at her with wide eyes.

"No no no no no, I-I'm not— I don't— my religion I-" you sputtered out nervously, Pieck's eyebrows came together at your random word vomit as she crossed her arms staring at you, "I mean! I'm fine with gay people I just— I'm not" your words were cut off by Pieck's soft angelic laugh.

"Relax, kid. I don't think you're homophobic but your questions were a little...off putting" She searched for the words to say and cringed at the one she came up with, you shook you head and sighed.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to intrude."

"No it's fine. I'm not actually close with Yelena...in that way, I am in other ways but we're not really good with day to day conversations. That's Zeke's job. They've been friends since middle school I think and I guess it's stayed that way, don't know why but I guess history keeps friendship alive." She shrugged, you nodded and fished out your dorm room key out of your pocket, unlocking the door and bringing the two of you inside.

Honestly, you didn't understand why you felt such a pull towards Yelena. She was nothing short of intimidating, she wasn't short of anything actually. Her tall stature loomed over everybody in the room no matter how tall they believed they were, she was taller. Not only that, her dark colored sanpaku eyes made her already bored expressions look so blank yet so intimidating at the same time. She was an enigma to you. One you couldn't figure out.

"Shit, we don't have anything to drink." Pieck cursed, taking a look inside the mini fridge she had under her desk. Technically there wasn't enough space in the door to get an actual fridge so Pieck had just bought a mini fridge and insisted the two of you share it.

"I'll get some juice from the vending machine." You offered, Pieck let out a breath and gratefully took your offer.

"Here, buy me a cranberry juice, please?" You took the money Pieck handed you and nodded, sliding on some frog slippers and making your way own out of the dorm and towards the vending machine.

Truthfully? You had no idea where the vending machine was. A small glance towards it while walking past gave you idea enough that the machine existed, where? Well you'd have to figure that out. Trying to retrace your steps at any was hard enough given how short your memory was so you tried your best to think of the last time you crossed it. You probably looked crazy peaking over every corner you came across and looking up at the sky trying to remember but it was nearly one in the morning so you doubted anyone was just casually walking around for fun.

"Are you looking for something?" Asked a familiar voice from behind you, you whipped around and definitely did not make eye contact with whoever was in front of you. Your eyes slowly slid up till they landed on the two eyes you couldn't get out of your mind.

"Huh?" You choked out

"You're walking around like you don't know where you're going, are you looking for something?" She explained patiently, you blinked as the wheels in your head finally began turning.

"O-oh yeah, I am actually! Do you know where the vending machine is?" You asked despite your nervousness, the short haired girl looked at you with a blank face for a moment before she titled her head to the side and let her eyes fall behind you to the large vending machine that sat at the end of the open alleyway. Nearly heating up in embarrassment, you quietly thanked her and walked over to the large machine.

Your mind was so clouded with forcing yourself to not embarrass yourself while also trying to remember what drink Pieck asked you to get her that you didn't even notice the steps getting closer. Her steps got closer and closer till she walked around your crouched frame and leaned against the wall. You could barley look over at her, only catching the click of metal and the hiss of a lighter. Yelena snapped the metal lighter shut and looked over at you.

"You like cranberry juice?" She asked, pointing at the small bottle in your hand as a small smirk gracing her lips as she popped the cigarette in her mouth.

"Mmh? Oh no this isn't for me it's...it's for Pieck." You explained, Yelena simply nodded and continued taking a drag from the deadly paper wrapped nicotine. Deciding to finally make a move, you walked over to her and leaned against the wall as she'd done previously.

"Smoking is bad for you." You said bluntly, Yelena chuckled and blew the smoke out of her nose.

"I know." She stated simply.

It was a one word response, not much for a conversation but it didn't need to be. You were fine just staring at her while she stared right back, not a word being said. For once in your life, silence wasn't awkward or condescending. It was just...quiet. The kind of quiet you seeked in the middle of the night when your parents fought or when the day felt like too much, the kind of quiet you craved in the middle of an overcrowded area, the kind of quiet you longed for. You didn't mind the quiet. You didn't mind the quiet with her.

In your eyes is your humanity, the person you really are. There are times it gets lost, when you wear that facade, the facade of not caring about anyone or anything. But in that alleyway you stared into each other's souls. She said cheeky was good; she let you be yourself. You laughed so much, at times stopping because you knew a torrent of giggles would wake any scholars in nearby dorms. That's all you ever needed to connect to her in that moment, you and her, just eyes, no words. If you were mute your words and hushed giggled it would be all the same.

You bit your lip, trying to hold back to the unattractive snort that nearly made it out as Yelena chuckled at you,

"Hey, I'm serious! It was a very traumatizing experience." She joked, pushing your shoulder lightly

"And you just had to share that traumatic experience with me of all people?"

"Well, who else was I gonna tell the story of how I found a birthmark in the shape of Texas on Zeke's ass?" At that point you couldn't let it in and just begin laughing at her serious face, you looked away and leaned your head on your hand that rested on your knees as the two of you sat on the sidewalk.

"Literally anyone else! You have so many friends." You exclaimed. Yelena sighed and leaned back, holding herself up on one arm and running the other hand through her short blond hair.

"Not real friends. My 'friends' haven't laughed with me like this in...years." She revealed

"What about Zeke?" Just as the words slipped out, the blond woman's eyes widened as she side eyed you.

"Zeke? You think Zeke has any humors bone in his body?" Yelena asked incredulously, at that you truly snorted and let your head fall forward.

"Okay, okay, fair point." You agreed, lifting your head up just on time to see the woman letting her tongue slip out from her mouth and wet her pink lips, a silver shine of metal catching your eye in a quick second.

"You have a tongue piercing?" You asked curiously, besides the obvious silver septum piercing with horns pointing out the end, you never even noticed the metal piece in her mouth.

"Yeah" was all she said, dropping her hand between her man spread legs and looking at you with a head tilt.

"Can I see?" Yelena looked at you and smirked before leaning in closer

"Well you'd have to take your pants off for that." You blinked

"h-huh?" You stuttered, not expecting the answer. The blond chuckled at your nervous state and stood up in front of you, leaning down and grabbing your chin in her hand, her face getting closer to yours.

"You're an adorable little kitten, aren't you?" She whispered, you sat paralyzed as the two of you stared into each other's eyes once more, your eyes faltering down to her lips once more.

Sucking your teeth, you looked away from her sharp gaze and focused your attention on a random garbage bag a couple feet away from you .

"I have a name, you know?" You asked with a raised eyebrow, Yelena stood up at her full height and tucked her hands into her pockets looking down at you.

"Of course you do. See you around, kitten." Were her final words before she sauntered off, leaving you starstruck on the sidewalk.

You dropped your head backwards till it hit the soft plush bed you'd been craving the entire day. Falling asleep was one of the best parts of the day, there in the cozy blankets, snug and safe was where you could finally let go and let the world of dreams come to you in its dancing way. Let your mind rewind recent events and turn it into some weird ball of a mess that you would t even remember once the sun rose and your tired eyes blinked open.

Warm hands shrugged you somewhat roughly, effectively waking you up and not giving your mind enough time to catch up.

"Psst, it's time to wake up." Whispered a soft voice, you groaned and rubbed your eyes.

Once you adjusted to the natural lights beaming through the window, your mind finally processed Pieck running around your shared bedroom and dropping random clothes onto your bed hurriedly.

"What's going on?" You asked groggily

"You told me you have Professor Erwin first period, I had him last year and trust me you do not want to be late to his class, especially on the first day." She rushed out, handing you a random pair of sneakers as the wheels in your head finally began turning and you realized you had to get your ass out the door and to his classroom in 15 minutes.

"Oh fuck-" you cursed, throwing on the clothes Pieck had picked out for you and being stopped in your tracks by the short woman who shoved a croissant in your mouth and pushed you out of the dorm, not waiting to hear your mumble of gratitude from behind the piece of bread and butter.

Honestly, it hadn't processed how much Pieck for you beforehand until you made it to class and realized she'd packed your school laptop, a notebook and pencil in your bag as you made it to a random seat in Erwin's class just before he closed the door. You sent a prayer to the goddess known as Pieck Finger and immediately began immersing yourself into whatever came out of your professors mouth.

A small noise from behind you caused you to turn around and notice Hange sitting directly behind you with a wide smile. They waved excitedly at you but put their pen up to their lips as a way to tell you to be quiet. You smiled at them and turned back to focus to the lesson, making sure to write down anything that seemed slightly important. It was only after class that you felt you could finally breathe.

"Hey again!" Exclaimed a voice beside you, you looked over and smiled over at Hange.

"Hey Hange, what's up?"

"Nothing much, I woke up super early today and even got in a early jog before class."

"Pfft, cant relate. I woke up so later today by the time I even gained consciousness Pieck had already packed my bags, thrown a random outfit at me, put a croissant in my mouth and threw me out the door" you explained, Hange laughed and nodded.

"Yep, sounds like Pieck. She's just naturally like that, although I'm surprised she didn't wake you up earlier rather than just shoving you out the door." Hange observed, you shrugged.

"Oh well, at least I made it on time. I'm pretty sure Erwin was about two seconds from shoving the door in my face." The two of you laughed at the joke till you finally made it to a cross way.

"I gotta go but I'll see you later, okay?" Hange patted your shoulder and you nodded at their words, agreeing to meet up with them sometime after your classes.

Picking a random seat, you slumped down in your chair and began pulling out your laptop as the teacher started to set their things up as well. The warm hand in your cheek nearly lulled you into a slumber as the class dragged on for a while. After the 4th period, you could finally rest your head on your arms and lean against the desk as your teacher just rambled on about their life story, effectively dragging out the period even longer.

Finally, you lifted your head and rubbed the back of your neck as you made your way back to your dorm room. A mistake on your part to lay your head on a hard desk and ruin your posture even more, straining your neck in order to find a comfortable position. This tiredness didn't seem to pick up on the 'Do Not Disturb' sign at the handle of your door as you pushed your way into the room. Mistake.

The two bodies occupying the bed on the right jumped apart at the sound of the door opening but didn't turn around to face you.

"Can't you read?!" Shouted a familiar voice, your eyes adjusted to the darkness in the room and noticed Pieck laying under a mess of short blonde hair, her eyes not meeting yours until you spoke up.

"Oh shit...I- sorry" you stuttered out in a moment of shock, and only then did Pieck's brown eyes met yours. They widened significantly and pushed the blonde body off of them, revealing the same face you had been staring and blushing at the night before.

"Wait—!"

Now that was when you well and truly slammed the door shut and stepped back, not waiting to hear Pieck's response before immediately doing a 180 and started walking down the hallway. The squeak of a door behind you and the rush of steps trying to catch up to you was all you needed to hear to know that Pieck had run out after you.

She grabbed your arm and spinner you around, "Oh my god, I am so sorry! I forgot to tell you about the sign and—" she sputtered out

"Pieck it's fine! I'm not your mom, I can't stop you from having sex." your eyes lifted away from Pieck's, taking notice of Yelena who stood outside your dorm room door watching the interaction with the same blank expression she always wore. "But a warning would be very much appreciated next time." She sighed and pulled you into her arms.

"Of course, of course. I'm so sorry, it completely slipped my mind today." Pieck apologized profusely, while you wanted to be even a bit mad, you couldn't help but wrap your arms around her as well yet let your eyes fall back onto Yelena.

It was only now that you felt awful about last night, the moment you and Yelena shared made you feel like you had gone behind Pieck's back and made out with her girlfriend or something. You pulled away from the hug and adjusted the straps of your bag on your shoulders.

"Um you guys can...continue, I'm just gonna go." You said, motioning away awkwardly trying to hint at your new escape.

"No no no you don't have to, we could just find somewhere else to go, I don't wanna kick you out of your own room." Pieck insisted, regret flashing in her eyes at your words.

Subconsciously, your eyes went back to Yelena again. "No it's fine, I'm meeting up with Hange in the library anyway. You two...do what you do. I'll bring you back something to eat." You dismissed Pieck's suggestion, waving her off and turning around to make your way to the library, not turning your back once to see not only one but two eyes burning into the back of your skull.

Mistakes were all you seemed to be making today.