#salty and in pain

[dredshirtroberts]

There are some things I don't think I will ever be able to forgive my parents for.

The internal voice in my head that blames my pain on what i did or didn't do - mainly didn't do, because of course if i moved around more i wouldn't be injured (let's just conveniently ignore/forget most of my injuries happened while at my most active). And obviously i don't move around enough because 1) they didn't see it and 2) i'm fat (derogatory).

This is, of course patently incorrect. first of all i am shaped like a gravitationally-powered time piece and have been since i was young. But apparently that is enough to be deemed "fat" by my family since i grew tits at age 9-10. Like and fat isn't a bad thing?? and you can be healthy and active while fat??? and i was! i was very active and...well i can't say healthy during that period of time because i was actively starving most of it because - as i was perceived as fat - i was berated about my food intake (at *minimum* it was commented on snidely) and constantly monitored about what i could have and when i could have it. My parents were on yo-yo diets constantly during my teen years when i was running Multiple Miles A Day, at minimum 3 days a week, or swimming actively anywhere from 2 hours a day 3 days a week to 3 hours a day nearly 5 days a week.

My knee blew out and swelled up to 2x its size while i was a councilor in training at a summer camp for 2 weeks. My shoulder blew out mid lap, mid practice and i finished the practice before i mentioned it and it *was* x-rayed but i never found out what happened to it. If mom heard back about it, she never told me. I *fell off* horses TWICE, once getting kicked in the ribs at 10, and the second one i tore a huge chunk of skin off my hand and had scrapes on my back from getting dragged through gravel. AFTER WHICH I WENT TO SWIM PRACTICE. And then there was the tap dancing which i did *along side training for half-marathons*. WITH MY PARENTS. I DID THIS WITH THEM. THEY KNEW I DID THIS MUCH.

but because i tended to stay pretty stationary at home (god why wouldn't i? even if i wasn't fucking DISABLED with a CHRONIC PAIN ISSUE from my CONNECTIVE TISSUE DISORDER (as of yet unnamed specifically - i *really* need to get my shit together and see a doctor) I was exhausted because i WAS RUNNING SEVERAL MILES IN THE MORNING AND THEN EXPECTED TO TEACH MYSELF MY OWN FUCKING SCHOOL WORK.

but yeah i was lazy and didn't move around enough and so any injuries i got, or stiffness and pain when i moved from my stationary position was my fault. My knee wouldn't have blown out if i didn't sit with it tucked up underneath me. My shoulder wouldn't have blown out if I...idk been more careful??? doing the same stroke i'd been doing the same way for several years at that point?

I walked FIVE MILES A DAY, EVERY DAY, FIVE DAYS A WEEK. at my most recent job *just to get to the damn job*, let alone the 10-12 HOURS ON MY FEET WHILE THERE before i burnt out (gee I WONDER WHY) and thankfully shortly thereafter i got a car so I could make it to the shifts I could still work at that point, ones that got shorter and shorter as my body just failed right out from underneath me. IN FUCKING FOOD SERVICE. (notably a rather physically intensive job)

My pain during my desk job years was from sitting still too long. My pain during training during my athletics was from not stretching enough, not being careful enough. My pain during the physically taxing jobs was because i didn't move enough during the day so of course i was going to hurt myself.

no matter what i did. it was my fault i hurt. it couldn't ever be that there was something wrong with me that they needed to help me look into. And i internalized the shit out of that.

I tweaked my back the other day. Don't know what i did. it's been like 3 days now, and i move really stiffly because it's my lower back, near my hips and tailbone, and it hurts to move. i've taken meds 2ce today and i am *really bad* at taking meds during the day. i stretch during the day, i get up and move around as best i can - i might not do it as often as i probably *should* but if you were in pain you'd do your best not to move as much too! it hurts!

but gosh if i only moved more, lost weight, could turn straw into gold and spin my hair into a rope to reach the stars. Then I wouldn't be in pain and really it's my own fault. Right?

[bluismie]

the category is hurt/comfort

[morethansky]

ARC TROOPER ECHO | The right thing to do “No matter what, we are united. Rule one: We fight together.”

Bonus:

[ftl-faster-than-life]

DC I have a revolutionary concept for you. It's called hiring people who have read comics about the characters they'll be writing to write those characters. If you're feeling really bold. Maybe you can start hiring people who LIKE the characters.

[chronicallydragons]

“Oh have you tried yoga?” “Have you tried acupuncture?” “Oh! My cousin did a juice cleanse and that worked!” “Oh have you tr—“

Oh noooooo. Did my disability remind you of your own mortality and now you feel a little scared, Nancy? That’s not my problem.

[blindmagdalena]

the longer i spend away from it the worse s4 gets in hindsight. but mostly i'm just always incredibly irritated by how homelander's powers keep taking massive nerfs because the writers just. stopped bothering trying to write around them.

now the boys can just have full on scooby-doo hijinks and shoot members of the seven in the head literally a floor above homelander without being noticed

remember how GOOD the tension in s1 was when they could see homelander looking for translucent (still terrifying to see him zipping around staring through buildings like that) and they couldn't blow him up without homelander hearing it bc he has fucking super hearing? yeah. bring that back.

[anniebass]

two pals being nineties and stuff

scene from Stuck on Rewind on ao3

[a-wisebear]

me when the chronic pain pains me: body... evil? body... unfaithful?? body... hates me? body evil!! body betrays!!! jail!! jail to body for a thousand years!!!

[w1f1n1ghtm4r3]

mafurui octopus love

[bird-inacage]

Only Friends Episode 7 | "You wouldn't get me." "You're right, I might not get you."

This episode did me so dirty. We had about ten seconds of Ray/Sand fluff and then THIS happens. I'm so completely heartbroken for him. Seeing Ray and Mew together just felt so wrong. (I'll have to dive into a separate post as to why). But for now, I just feel for my man here.

[demodraws0606]

People complaining about Tsukasa5 already are pissing me off, because like, it's so unbelievably obvious what this event is trying to do and the fact that people are so hung up on "urgh dur tsukasa strong why can't he do a wall climb".

Like, first of all, a lot of Tsukasa's strength has been used as comedy before and also it's never been said that Tsukasa could specifically do a wall climb before so people calling this a retcon or a stretch is really dumb to me.

Sure we can make jokes about it, but this is not like a serious writing problem or anything.

Also are we just gonna ignore the fact this event is literally just a reference to his 3rd event in a silly trenchcoat. Or the fact that this is obviously meant to be WxS's downtime and training arc to prepare them to face the loose plotpoints in the future?

His inner dialogue when chasing the ninja is very clearly a reference to the whole Pheonix thing, how he can't reach it no matter how hard he tries.

The wall climb is like an extremely fucking on the nose metaphor to him climbing over his issues as an actor.

THERE IS ALSO THE WHOLE THING THAT HINTS THAT TSUKASA CAN ONLY OVERCOME HIS PROBLEMS IF HE HAS HELP FROM OTHERS (AKA tsukasa would've literally BEEN INJURED, if it wasn't for the fact the troupe's leader was there).

In fact this literally followed an event aka Tsukasa 4 where he FAILED to do his role correctly.

It's almost like this event is meant to be a transition point between Tsukasa 4 and 6, where Tsukasa builds up the knwoledge on how to face his problems.

But no this is just mid event because it's very silly and "wow plot is stupid why can't tsukasa wall climb".

WxS fans are slowly just turning into VBS fans in terms of how whiney they're being i swear

[sistersofsilver]

hello fellow shades. hades 2 nation. free icarus reminder for the night: not only did he burn, he drowned after. maybe it's just my experience with dying via drowning¹ but i think we should play in that particular space more.

melis not the sun, and she's never going to be. she's not the moon beat for beat either. shes the beautiful distorted reflection of the moon on churning powerful waves, shifting, a bright spot in an almost perfect void. and when you fall (and you will fall) its going to hurt, that impact, the water filling your lungs, the weightlessness disorienting, but you look for it, that reflection, that fixed point...

cough. anyway, how we feelin' tonight. we good?

[strayheartless]

Cloud wakes up one morning in Edge, and everything is normal...but he feels like someone something is missing. He's used to it, his memory is shit these days, whatever.

Squall wakes up one morning, in his queen sized bed, all alone. Huh, that's unusual totally normal, like he gives a shit.

Neither of them realize time and space warped them into the same world for 10 years, where they got together, then warped them out and erased them from each other's memories and worlds.

😈

I know I asked for this but HECKIN’ OWWWWWWWWWWWW.

***

Denzel is pretty used to Cloud taking a second to recognise him in the morning. Tifa and Marlene say it happens sometimes, and he’s lived with them long enough now to know that it’s not personal. Still, this morning seems particularly bad.

Cloud is staring at him perplexed across the breakfast table, ignoring his own toast. He blinks hard a couple of times, then shakes his head and squeezes his eyes shut tighter. He looks upset by something, maybe even a little confused.

“Cloud, is everything okay?” Tifa asks from the sink and Cloud opens his eyes breathing deeply.

“Yeah,” he mutters, reaching out to push Denzel’s bangs out of his eyes.

“Has your hair gotten lighter?” He asks and Denzel makes a confused sound.

“I don’t think so,” he says.

Cloud pulls his hand back, letting the hair flop back into place and Scrubs at his face, frustrated.

“Hey,” Tifa rounds the table and kneels next to his chair. “You sure your okay? You look spooked,”

Cloud let his head hang for a second, gripping at his own neck so hard that Tifa reaches out to extract his nails from his nape.

“I- I feel like I’m missing something. Like someone should be here and they’re not. But I can’t tell who,”

“Marlene?” Zel guesses but Cloud shakes his head.

“Were you dreaming about Zack and Aerith again?” Was Tifa’s guess.

“Not that I can remember,” Cloud shakes his head again and lets Tifa take over massaging his neck.

They were all familiar with Clouds spotty memory. Sometimes he forgot Aerith was dead. Sometimes he would wake up and insist that he had to go meet Zack at some hole in the wall pizza joint that hadn’t existed since Meteor fall. On really bad days he didn’t talk, just stared at everyone like he didn’t know who they were. Like he was completely vacant.

“Do you want me to call your Clients for today and postpone deliveries?”

“No,” Cloudbutted his head against Tifa’s shoulder, something he’d taken to doing as a sign of affection when his words were failing him.

She ruffled the back of his hair and let him get on his way.

There weren’t many deliveries that day anyway. His first was Cid and as he walked into the shop he almost dropped the box at the sight of Shera. He doesn’t know why, but he hadn’t expected her to be there. The Workshop looked wrong too. Had Cid painted the hill of the Gum- airship? Cloud tsked. He liked the red better.

“Hey kid, Y’alright?” Cloud jumps again. He swings round to see Cid squinting at him from behind his shouldering goggles.

“Yeah,” he not-quite-lies. “Just having an off day… feel like I’ve lost something. Don’t know what,”

Cid snorts.

“That’s called getting old son,”

“That’s called almost drowning in Mako twice chief,” Cloud bites back, but there’s no real heat to it.

“Yeah yeah, you’re a walk-in’ talking’ miracle. I got it,” he hands Cloud the cash for delivery and Cloud pockets it without checking. Even if it wasn’t all there, he knew Cid was good for it. Even if he wasn’t Cloud would let him off. He always did for friends.

“You got many more o’these?” Cid asked, sucking on the end of his cigarette. Cloud thought it was a tooth pick… weird.

“Couple. Headed out to Kalm next.”

“Well you be careful, it’s gettin’ Squally out there,”

Cloud freezes. The image of a face burns itself into the forefront of his mind. A hand holding his that just a touch bigger. A body in his bed that he knows is going to start out on the other side of the bed, but will inevitably Koala itself to his back. A dumb jacket with an even dumber white fur collar. A slim set of hips adorned with far too many belts to be practical. A Gunblade. A scar across the bridge of a wonderfully sloped nose. A set of warm Hazelnut eyes.

Squall.

Clouds knees give out, hitting the tiled floor with a horrific crack.

He Screams at the sky.

****

“Can I help you Quistis?” Squall grumbles as he flips through the mornings reports. She’s been stood in his office too long and if she keeps staring at him like that he’s going to end up growsing something he regrets.

Fuck, his head is pounding.

“You seem off today.” She says like it’s an off hand comment. Squall resists the urge to roll his eyes.

“Didn’t sleep well.” He mutters, scribbling his signature at the bottom of a page. The next set of papers is about refurbishments to the western corridors. He massages between his eyes with the knuckle of his pointer finger.

Hadn’t they done that at the beginning of last year? Sora had talked his ear off about it being too much of a rabbit warr-

Who?

Squall blinks. Who the hell was Sora?

“Are you sure that’s all it is? Rinoa says you’ve been pretty in and out all day,”

“And I suppose Rinoa is the foremost authority on my moods,” it’s a unnecessary bite, one that he doesn’t even know the reason for. His wife is absolutely the authority on his mood swings. She’s generally the only one that can handle them.

No she isn’t.

Squall puts his pen down and places his head in his hands. His headache felt like someone was drilling into his eyes and temple. He just wants today to be over. He wants to go back home to C-

To Rinoa.

Quistis looks at him for a second, before seemingly deciding it’s not worth arguing with him. Instead she waits for him to finish signing papers while she looks out of his office window.

“Sure is Cloudy today,”

There’s a crash from behind her and as she spins around she finds Squall on his hands and knees on the carpet heaving up the pasty and Coffee she’d brought him. He’s sobbing hysterically as his mind faces a million miles a second and his head feels like it’s going to explode with the pressure of the memories.

A hand a little smaller than his, that was calloused and almost always covered in motor oil. A tiny waist that was just right for wrapping his arms around in the early mornings and late nights. Broad shoulders clad in paldrons. A wold at his heart. A wolf in his ear. The most dazzlingly blue eyes Squall has event seen. Bright blond hair. A stupidly large sword wrapped in bandages so he “didn’t hurt the kid”. A scarred sternum and torso under his hand.

Cloud.

Squall passed out from the pain.

[potionwine]

Thinking about Margrace as Joshua's name post-Phoenix Gate.

Mar-grace.

In FFXVI the Undying choose their own names (Cyril explains this in-game), and many of them have names drawn from Final Fantasy XII, including their leader 'Margrace' himself, from Al-Cid Margrace. The page for Al-Cid notes that Margrace is likely an alternate form of the title 'margrave', an old title for military commanders on the border.

That aside. This is the name chosen (by the boy himself?) for the boy who should have rightfully been known henceforth as 'Your Grace', 'His Grace'.

Grace (style of address), from the Oxford English Dictionary:

With a possessive adjective: a title of respect, esp. for a person of royal or noble rank. Frequently (in 'your Grace') as a form of address. Now archaic or historical. Formerly (in England until the reign of Henry VIII and in Scotland until 1707) used for a monarch or prince; now replaced by Majesty or Highness. Even so, "Majesty" for the sovereign of England was not used exclusively; it arbitrarily alternated with both "Highness" and "Grace", even in official documents, until "Majesty" finally became the official style to the exclusion of others (source).

Grace (other meanings):

1. Divine favour, benevolence, or providence bringing about worldly benefit or advantage. 2. A person's lot, destiny, or fate; luck, fortune. 3. The quality of being pleasing; attractiveness, charm; esp. (in later use) refined elegance of manner, expression, form, or movement, esp. regarded as natural or effortless; gracefulness.

Whatever the etymology of margrave, the name Margrace in-game is probably meant to call to mind the meaning of 'mar' as in damaged, spoiled, ruined. All the grace that ever belonged to his family, his home, his birthright—marred, of course.

Mar+Grace, the last heir of the oldest unbroken ruling dynasty in the Twins at the time of the opening events of the game**.

The living ghost, carrying the desecrated corpse of his legacy in his new name. Introducing himself by his humiliation: "Hello, I am Margrace", "Hello, I am the ruined dignity of my house." "Call me Margrace", "Call me the wreckage of one fallen from divine favour." "My name is Margrace", "My name is blemished fortunes and diminished nobility".

It's appropriately brutal and dramatic for such a character, especially since the game is frustratingly silent on how Joshua personally feels about the loss of his duchy which is a rant for next time.

**Footnotes:

In the Year 860 (Prologue year/Phoenix Gate), Rosaria is about 260 years old (est. Y600). Older, if you count from the time of the Rose Alliance (est. Y550). The Rosfields have been on the Rosarian throne since the inception of the duchy in Y600, and prior to that House Rosfield was already known to be the chief of/the preeminent house of the Seven High Houses that united to found the duchy. House Rosfield has held ruling power for 260-310 years at a minimum.

For reference, England's longest-reigning dynasty was the Plantagenets, who held on for 300+ years. Rosfields aren't doing half bad!

Veldemarke would have been older had it not been overthrown by Barnabas; therefore Waloed is the youngest nation state at the time of the prologue (only 17 years old). Also we do not know much about the governance of Veldemarke, although as a 'kingdom' it was likely some type of monarchy.

Sanbreque was formed 100 years after Rosaria, and at any rate is not actually a hereditary monarchy. The Holy Emperor is voted into office by his fellow Cardinals, likely the five who form the Council of Elders. We are also explicitly told that Sylvestre 'won his throne' in 865; there is no indication either way that his predecessor emperor was a Lesage. The wording suggests the throne is not Sylvestre's by lineage or birthright. How this is supposed to relate to the concept of Sanbreque having a 'crown prince' (Dion) is unclear and contradictory, since an emperor by election should probably not have the authority to unilaterally decide on the succession of the throne, and his issue—legitimate or no—should not automatically be in the line of succession.

Dhalmekia is a republic with elected officials.

The Iron Kingdom apparently has a royal family, but nothing else is known apart from it being impotent and sidelined by their state religion.

The Northern Tribes likely do have hereditary rule, and Jill is referred to as a princess, but once again little is known.

Ergo—and I am ceaseless in this propaganda—Clive and Joshua are really, properly posh! Absolutely baffling that Anabella would allow anyone to put down the pedigree of her sons when they are so blue-blooded precisely because she is! For someone with such entrenched ideas of blood purity she should not stand for it, no matter how she feels about her eldest.

[imgae-insertshockedgasps-16]

me: *tells audiologist abt how sensitive my hearing is and how how i can hear electricity and things*

audiologist in notes: *patient reports auditory hallucinations*

[clfixationstation]

joining the Jayce battle on the side of Vi 💪

Vi shouldn't even need defending but here we are