#sad i guess

[damsalindistress]

‘stop calling me.. alright.?’

aventurine x f!reader

songs just in case you want a lil extra extra(these r just what i listened to while writing this): every breath you take by the police, waiting room and scott street by phoebe bridgers, six feet under by billie eilish, and nikes by frank ocean.

warnings: angst, no happy ending, break up, reader is an alcoholic, aventurine is slightly ooc, he’s moved on already and you haven’t, mentions of sex(only once), aventurine is distant, etc, aventurine is probably ooc and i apologize

info: this is one of the first actual writings i’ve posted so i’m sorry if it’s bad! ALSO THIS IS VERY LONG and it got rushed and then my brain stopped working so this kind of sucks, but i tried!

pls leave tips and recommendations!!!

the first con of the relationship, started with his job. being a high ranked individual of the IPC caused him to almost always be cramped up with work that often required him to leave you all alone.

you guys would see each other a week a month, two if you were lucky. however it seemed he couldn’t even care less about your loneliness, he would just send messages(only when you texted first.) to reassure you, but you never really felt very reassured.

he also never was willing to talk to you— you knew about his struggles, his past as an avgin, but everytime you tried to hug him when he was rarely home after a bad day, he always pushed you away, saying he didn’t want to talk about it with you.

was there something wrong with you? maybe you weren’t trustworthy enough.. hell, was there ever trust to begin with?

it was like this for months, so you finally stepped up and cut it off.

expecting atleast a beg, or an apology, he just said he understands and wishes you the best.

and this left a mess for you behind.

now struggling with your money, you were just a common bartender at a local bar, you didn’t know what to do with your life anymore, despite how bad the relationship was, you missed the good memories.

the never ending loving sex, the way he looked at you with those eyes of his when it was just you two.. but that was the honeymoon phase, after all, nothing stays the same forever.

so you turned to alcohol. when you were left alone cleaning the last bits of the bar you worked at, you would help yourself to a shot of hard liquor, one shot.. well maybe six.

then you would end up drinking a bottle, and it was like this for a good, good while.

so one late night, it’s around two AM and your with the company of yourself sitting on a barstool, all alone, a beer in your right hand, your phone in your left.

you placed the beer down and tips-ily decided to dial your beloved ex, aventurine, with no intentions but to tell him how much you miss him, hate him, and it goes on- your emotions were just strong today.

on the other hand …

aventurine was on his bed, after a tiresome day of faking his forever smile, he got to sleep.

but then when he hears his phone ring— it’s from.. you?

why would you call him- it’s been six months since you two had been a part, why would you want to call him?

so he picked up, “hello?” he spoke into the phone, his tone sounding a bit irritated but something else you couldn’t quite place in your drunk ears.

you blinked slowly and opened your mouth to speak, only for a hiccup to come out.

you could hear a faint scoff in the background, but you were too influenced to comment on it.

“i miss you,” woah. now that was unexpected.

did you really just say that- were you hearing yourself?

aventurine let out a soft laugh into his phone, oh how you missed the sound of his laughter.. it sounded like heaven to you. “hmph, i’m not surprised,” he said almost cockily, that signature tone of his was very evident.

“mmnhh,” you let out a soft hum, that almost sounded like a loud groan.

you put your right hand on your head, your left hand still holding the phone as your elbow was on the counter.

“why couldn’t you just.. love me?”

“i mean i loved you why couldn’t you love me?” he wanted to speak and answer, without a doubt he knew the answer to what you were asking, but you kept talking.

he wasn’t lying if he said he didn’t feel the pang in his stomach though, because there was once a time when he felt you were the cure to everything he struggled with.

then it quickly changed when he realized he had a reputation to withhold- he couldn’t be soft with you. or could he?

“a-and i know it’s over but it felt so .. so real,” your voice trembled, your throat began to burn as the smell of alcohol lingered around you, making your nose burn as well.

“aventurine— answer me.” you spot a bit sternly, but with the way your voice wavered it wasn’t very stern to him what so ever.

“i’m sorry, [name]” he said so casually like he wasn’t feeling a bit guilty for you right now.

“where are you?” he asked suddenly, your mind took a while to process those words before you replied again with your location, he let out a loud sigh into the phone.

“drunk, aren’t you?” he chuckled.

you let out a hiss as your head began to hurt.

it was like this for a while.

and it got worse.

sometimes you’d throw a tantrum on the phone, throw harsh words at him, cry loudly, say you still love him and want to feel him again, it was just showing him how mentally unstable you were, honestly.. and it was a major turn off, just because he thought you would move on and get hotter or something, instead you were frequently calling him.

today wasn’t unusual, it was a saturday, the days he got called the most in a month besides fridays.

“stop calling me when your drunk, will you?” he had a sleepy voice since it was late evening now. he could hear the bustling laughter and sounds coming from the bar.

“aren’t you supposed to be working too? sounds pretty irresponsible to me, sweeheart.” he said a bit bitterly.

“whyyy..” you whined into the phone, you missed him so much, it felt like a part of you was missing and you just wanted to be in his arms like you were in the beginning.

“because it’s bad for your health, no?” he hummed, his voice a mixture of annoyance and genuine concern.

it went on like this for a year.

until he had to do something about it, he was tired of tracking your location when it got bad and picking you up and taking you home, telling you that you had to move on with your life, even offering rehab to get sober and help you, or just downright ignoring your calls, he had enough, he needed sleep, he needed to focus on his duties, you were too much.

so when it’s another late night, he picked up, he decided to pick up, one last time.

“yes?” he replied tiredly.

“aven,” you whispered into your phone.

“can you please pick me up,” you said desperately, your head ached and your stomach felt empty.

with a heavy deep breath, he responded simply, “i’m sorry, [nickname or name].” he whispered as well, this did hurt him, knowing what he was about to do to you.

“why.. you always pick me up though,” you laughed stupidly, until the phone hung up on you.

as you were about to call again— it didn’t go through.

“aventurine?..” you mumbled out loud to your self.

so you sent a message, and then it said not delivered.

“a-aventurine?” you shuddered, why wasn’t he picking up? did he not.. no.. you always knew he didn’t love you anymore, but he still cared. right?

aventurine clicked the block button on his phone, having enough.

and with that you never were able to reach him again, he never even bothered to go through his blocked list and look at your icon and number, he felt at peace, for the most part, that is.

and you were left with a non sober broken heart.

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thank you sm for reading if you made it here and didn’t get bored 🧍‍♀️ i need tips and advice to make better stories bc this could’ve been way better if i wasn’t writing at 1:49 AM but yk i gotta start somewhere, ill make another version once i get better at writing!

[trainsgenderjamie]

Gonna rant shout socializing here but poke I wish I was like normal about socializing. I wish I didn't borderline require a group setting to to talk to people and I wish that I could just start a conversation without having to double back over myself 60 times and ultimately decide against it like genuinely what is wrong with me

I consider myself sociable, because I've got plenty friends and I enjoy talking to all of them, but there's maybe one or so where I was able to uphold a conversation for longer than 30 minutes in the last two months, and that was sporadic, inconsistent texts back and forth. I also was not the one to start that conversation, nor am I ever the one to initiate because I'm like scared or something? And I can't just practice with one of my friends I trust, because 1: how the fuck do you even ask that shit, and 2: I tried it with someone I was ripping at the seams to talk to constantly AND wanted a romantic relationship with, and STILL rarely ever started a conversation. I don't know why I'm so afraid or why I think everyone's too busy for me to just say hi, but like I genuinely am just unable to talk to people.

Besides, what do you even say after you initiate with a 'hi' like. If I texted someone and just went 'hey how are you' I feel like they'd think I wanted something from them or something like that idk, and even if they didn't, what else do I say? 'Good to hear you're okay' AND THEN WHAT.? Like it's. there isn't a pattern or a formula to it, there isn't a good way for me to naturally progress into normal conversation because I don't know what that looks like. Maybe this is a normal thing, and I'm just being overly dramatic over something everyone deals with and is just fine with. Idk man I'm like. I dunno, shit sucks honestly

I feel the need to express that this isn't like a late night sadness thing, this is something I genuinely struggle with. Call it anxiety, a fear of judgement, what have you, it is what it is, and what it is is bullshit.

[ostriches-because-i-said-so]

When I say that I don't want to exist right now, that doesn't mean i want to die. Not to me it doesn't. All it means is I want to disconnect from myself. To not feel my own emotions, to not hear my brain rile on and on, to not feel my skin on my body, to not feel, to not hear, to not taste, to not smell, to not see but still observe. I don't want to be interacted with like a person when I wish to not exist. I wish to a narrator, a viewer, a camera-man. I wish that I could fast forward to when this was a memory. I know it may seem concerning, or maybe a bit outlandish, but it makes sense to me. I want to not be there but still be there. I want to not be acknowledged by anyone and to simply watch. Watch others experience what's happening. And I want to not experience it. I don't want it. I just want to sit in the corner and watch. But when someone's in the corner watching, someone has to whisper. Has to ask questions. Has to make me exist. I don't want that. I don't want to exist, but I don't want to die either. It does make sense to me, but not everyone is me. I don't mind that either. But I want to be able to say that I am not existing and for people to understand. For them to not be concerned about the kid in the corner. About the guy sitting in silence. About your suspiciously quiet friend. I am simply not for now, and I hope you can accept that.

[havethetouch]

Started my career as gravedigger today. Hope it will be a while until I have to dig a hole again tho. With that being said. Charlie is resting easy now. Things took a bit of a not so good turn so we had to take him to the vet yesterday to make things easier for him (and us ngl). So.. yah. Been a bit of a day yesterday but the thing that really broke my heart was Sherry. So Sherry is the dog my uncle left behind and she was like, besties with Charlie. She was very protective of him too. So we brought him home and laid him out so the other dogs could say goodbye and all that. And man that was a thing. So the youngest - Bambini - former dog of my dad, she was freaked out. You could tell she knew something was off but did not quite understand what was going on so she became skittish and hid. Duke, my aunts dog, he has been through this song and dance twice now with packmembers already, he has already been subdued and quiet for two days he knew what was up long before so he just observed the whole thing with a really tired air to him. Lily, my aunts other dog also knew what was going on, she guarded the body of the last packmember who went before because she loved him very much so she was like.. looking out for my aunt and hiding Bambi mostly. Full caretaker mode here. Sherry tho, she did not even get what was going on at first, she hasn't outlived another dog before even tho she is like 12 this was new. It was only when we put Charlie in his box (but kept him in the room still) that she cottoned on that something was not quite alright here because Charlie does not like being put into shit because he is blind and if he wants to move and can't he will yowl so him being quiet about the box tipped her off that something ain't okay here. So she sneaked up on the box, looked inside and sniffed. Sniffed some more. Put her paw in to paw at him softly and then she made little noises, lil yips to rouse him and I swear to god you could see the very moment she realized. You could see it on her face and in her eyes. That effed me up the most I think. Her realizing. She laid down next to him in the box after feet neatly tucked in and started guard duty. It was the saddest shit. Today everything was a bit subdued naturally, even the dogs. Tho they were not opposed to snacks thankfully. My aunt and uncle had a thing to go to so I took up on digging up a hole while they were gone to make the whole process a bit faster mostly for my aunt when they got back. 's weird. Shit's quiet without that lil tyrant. But like it is also okay in a sense. He was old, he survived his owner, he was 19 and lived a good long life with much love and care even when he became a bit of a brat in his twilight years. At least now he is up with the rest of the fam, wherever they are, back to running and playing.

[el-ow-world]

Everything is fine but I'm engulfed with sadness. Everything is fine but I want to cry so badly, and I can't, because I have no reason to cry; the tears just won’t come. Everything is fine but my heart hurts so much. Everything is fine but why am I thinking of hurting myself?

[the-sun-and-moon-show-fan]

Hey guys! I'm online! The guy I liked broke it off with me😫😥 he already has a date planned with someone else. What do I do??

Anything helps! Except if you know me in real life do not keep sending me kill Bill.I might kill him but no.

[cyber-seaweed]

my bday photoshoot was kinda lana del rey tumblr so im posting it here.

[my-darling-boy]

I was at a bookstore looking through the art section and I saw a spine that said The Camden Town Nudes which was interesting because this didn’t seem like the bookstore where I would ever find something like that and I wanted to have a casual look but like. This also wasn’t exactly the bookstore where you felt like you could look at naked pictures let alone just suggestive paintings of them, it’s a really small shop as well, so I was like right I’ll just take a quick peek, I’m an art student, I love history, maybe I’ll buy it. I looked both ways and saw the shopkeep had left momentarily and no one was about, so I opened it and found it was an entire book featuring nude Edwardian women all painted by Walter Sickert between 1905-1912 and it was actually quite a revolutionary set of paintings for its time given that it featured very raw depictions of working class nude women in dark London instead of the elegant, white bedsheet clad, Demure middle and upper class women usually depicted.

And of course RIGHT as I flip to this lady’s boobs practically taking up an entire double page spread, every customer in a 5 mile radius appeared from around the corners of the shelf including the shopkeep and immediately regressing to a wet, pathetic Edwardian man from 1908, startled, I dropped the large book which caused a giant SLAP on the floor in this already silent store thus causing all patrons to look down at me scrambling on my knees to close a giant book of Edwardian boobs and let me tell you it would not have been nearly as funny had I not immediately felt like some Edwardian local pervert who just tried to sneak a cheeky peek at the erotic book in the bookstore only to drop it dramatically causing a scene, red up to his ears trying to shove it back on the shelf. Like such a casual and normal thing in modern day but looking at Edwardian women suddenly turned it into this egregious act as I apparently became possessed by the spirit of a moustached man in a bowler hat and morning coat going Good Heavens I mustn’t gaze upon these images in public lest the constable haul me away!

[artsymeeshee]

Felt a need to draw hugs (thinking about sea grunks has made me extra emotional :’))

[confusedghostie]

I try to be optimistic and try to enjoy the little things, bit more times than not I wish I did in my sleep

[dying-world-alys]

I want to see you and I don't. I want to be around you but I don't. I don't trust how you'd feel and I can't trust that I'd get my best friends back. Even if I could, I don't know if I should. I've taken so much from everyone already, I can't break this pot even more. I can't let myself do this again. I can't trust myself off a leash of self loathing.

[radio-guts]

whoops forgot this existed mb

anyways my grandfather died?? he was an ass so it's alright

on another note, why does nobody fucking believe when I say I'm alright?

[sw0ns0n]

i miss feeling fulfilled

its just status quo these days

[ghostbloodinc]

A cool blue wave shattered over the rocky surface of the ridge. Everyone was forlorn. The eyes of fate gleamed incomprehinsively. The world burned and the icy cave melted. All was still.

[idoweirdcrap]

i fucking hate my mind

i hate that im never good enough, that i never look perfect, or perform well enough for me to accept myself. it feels like every time i mess up a part of me will disappear so i cant mess up.

i hate that half my life i was used and exploited for my intelligence. i was liked for me to do their homework, not to make them laugh.

i hate that people treat me like shit when im the reason they have any friends. that people dont notice when im having a fucking mental breakdown, but instead just stare creepily and continue laughing with friends.

i hate that im being manipulated everyday, subconciously.

i hate that no matter how hard i try its never good enough for me, my family, even my friends.

i hate that im overweight and nobody likes me. my body is disgusting and i wish i could be skinny, or curvy, or anything remotely attractive. i cant run because i get out of breath and now i dont eat in front of my friends because im scared theyll make fun of me for fueling my overweightness.

i hate that my parents are homophobic so i cant come out.

i hate that im so close to It but so, so far every day. ive done all i can, but ill never be good enough.

i hate myself.

[cowboyangeleyes]

Wanting to create a show with friends but the characters you've made up are male and you don't have male friends (Or friends who would act with you)

Hate my mind sometimes 😅