#sad posting

[s1ckstrwbrry]

[systemdeez]

Being treated like a human being whose thoughts and feelings matter would fix me I think.

[chaosmagicwanda]

No matter how good you could be to somebody, no matter how much you love them, they can and will turn their backs on you.

[lariumbreon]

Succubus HRT - Week ???? - Borderline Aftermath

In an effort to listen to my therapist, to better help myself, and to help possibly enlighten and educate people. A lot of Succubus HRT is contextual to my own personal struggles with borderline personality disorder, ptsd, hypersexuality, and my suicidal tendencies. A very not-fun blend of mental issues. A lot of this was meant to stay in private journals. But as I started to draw more, I felt like presenting the art publicly might also help others struggling in the same or similar ways. Make no mistake, I am making progress, and I am doing better. But sometimes it gets hard. Sometimes guilt from previous episodes take hold. Sometimes PTSD takes the wheel and I relive the pains that caused the episodes all over again via emotional flashbacks. Living like this, is often an inescapable waking nightmare. One small miscommunication. One small mistake. One small misread of a mundane sentence. One unexpected minor change in the dynamics of a relationship with someone. It's enough to send me into a spiral. Of course the bigger triggers affect harder. Unkept promises, lies, being used. All these triggers often leave open wounds that don't simply heal. If not resolved, or if someone simply just doesn't care, what starts is a near bottomless decline into various degrees of mania, depression, anxiety, and so much more. It gets even worse when the person who triggers it simply tries to ignore it, or act as though it's wholly my fault for feeling hurt and the episodes I have afterwards. That doesn't happen often, and I've since found the strength to not be friends with those who have done this to me.

These episodes can last weeks, months. I get incredibly paranoid about every interaction, as if I might slip and fall onto spikes at any moment. Or that the masks might slip and the person I'm speaking with will start to scream about how they hate me and want nothing to do with me. It's a constant battle with intrusive thoughts, false memories. I often spend nights crying having fabricated arguments in my head, catastrophizing until I pass out from the pain. Abject isolation and me spending a night ghosting nigh everyone I know and love in one last self-destructive episode is a common grand finale of the spiral. An episode can take place over weeks, months. For some people they just go about their lives, while I hold on to a small hurt that collects, festers, and explodes outward seemingly out of nowhere. To them, they're doing nothing. But to me, even just being shorter than usual in their replies feels like claws on my heart. So I lash out. Causing constant and irreparable damage around me to relationships and those in them. It's as if existing with BPD gives me a constant AOE Ring of Fire that causes friendly fire damage.

"People with Borderline Personality Disorder (and those like them) are like people with third degree burns over 90% of their body. Lacking emotional skin, they feel agony at the slightest touch or movement." - Marsha Linehan

Very few quotes have ever felt or spoken as true to me about living with borderline as this one. It best encapsulates how I feel when episodes happen. Like my whole body exists as an open wound, and every small trigger causes inexplicable pain throughout my brain and my heart. Which has often led to my struggles with addictions to pain pills and the like. The worst part, is there is often no perfectly right way to engage with me. Episodes will happen over the smallest things. I cannot guarantee I won't struggle. People with borderline, we struggle often, and greatly. What we struggle with cannot just simply be fixed, or even helped. But with patient and understanding hands, we'll pull through okay in the end. Fragile, handle with care.

[acidicwerewolf]

Kdj and yjh are so doomed yoai to me. It's only them to each other yet they can never truly be together, even in a platonic way. They've spent their entire lives looking for each other and yet, even when they find each other, they still can't stay together and have to go back searching for each other. Something about the futility yet the enjoyment of just a moment, just a second with someone. Whether you see it as romantic or platonic, it's still love. Doomed yet beloved, bittersweet.

And don't even get me started on hsy.

[g0r3wh0r3xxx]

*ੈ✩‧₊ honest question, what am I doing wrong? like serious talk, what about me doesn't attract ppl? am I ugly? I don't think I am, but maybe I'm wrong, whatever, nth matters anymore *ੈ✩‧₊

[oyeevarnika]

Worse Worsened Worsening 💀

[ohnoitsjetster]

Idk who’s been paying attention to the posts about my school’s production of Little Shop of Horrors. But there has been a development. Our Seymour just dropped out. Which is insane on its own. But our director also said that, at the moment, the only person who she thinks can pick up the role is me. So hopefully we find another way, but maybe, I’m… not,, your dentist??

[twospiritstooprideful]

I miss the me I didn't get to be

[s1ckstrwbrry]

you never kept your promise.

[jwillbiteyourfingersoff]

worst part about umbrella academy’s season 4 is that it’s gonna irreversibly alter the fandom. Like yeah, fandoms with worse endings and worse seasons have survived, but were they ever the same after that final blow? It’s just upsetting bc now I can’t scroll the tag without it talking about how terrible season 4 was

[ziphos123]

The energy I’m bringing today

[konigceo]

me when the guys i've known for so long are just like the others

[muppetjokernumberthirteenfan]

I think i’m in love with @the-muppet-joker. His being consumes my every waking thought. I crave his love.

i know he will never love me back but i just need to get these feelings out of me before i explode.

I just feel such a connection with him. He is me and i is him.

I can’t help but feel drawn to him sexually and romantically.

How i wish I was a muppet hole… I wish I was his muppet hole…

I think tonight I will try to astrally connect to him and talk face to face. Perhaps getting how i feel off my chest will help…

*sigh*

[chaandkideewani]

dheere dheere shimla wali geet banti jaa rahi hoon