#s**** guilty as sin is for you you disgusting bastard

[llilychen]

every time i hear enchanted i am transported back to april 2023 when i had my first big infatuation and i feel sick to my stomach

[spencers-renaissance]

can't un-sing a song that's sung.

Summary: The worst thing about it is that Derek isn’t even surprised when he gets the call.

Tags: drug use, overdose, hurt/comfort, guilty derek & hotch, angst with a hopeful ending, bedside vigils, protective derek & hotch NO MCD

Pairing: Gen (Platonic Derek Morgan & Spencer Reid; Aaron Hotchner & Spencer Reid)

Word Count: 1.8k

Masterlist // Read on AO3 // Bad Things Happen Bingo

Major TWs, obviously. I'm just so angry that no-one did anything about Spencer's addiction in season two, so I decided to punish Derek and Hotch by having the (almost) worst-case scenario come to fruition. Fic inspired by this gifset & title from this poem (v short but v poignant) Fills the 'Overdose' square on my Bad Things Happen Bingo card.

The worst thing about it is that Derek isn’t even surprised when he gets the call.

His heart sinks, of course, and his stomach feels like it bottoms out. His chest tightens and he struggles to breathe for a minute and a half, his hands clamming up as his tongue freezes and he can’t find the words to respond to Hotch over the phone. But he isn’t surprised. And that, when it really and truly comes down to it, is exactly where his sins lie.

He races as quickly as he can to the hospital, not obeying the traffic laws by any stretch of the imagination as his hands grip so tightly at the steering wheel that his knuckles turn white and the pattern of the leather; the seams where it's sewn imprint themselves on his palm. His heart pounds rapidly and it’s all he can hear, blood thudding in his ears as the tight knot of anxiety sits heavy in his stomach.

He’s just pulling into the hospital car park when he realises that the last time he felt like this — God, the last time he felt like this was when he first realised Spencer was missing all those months ago. He heaves a dry sob as he abandons his car in a space he hopes is the right one, and slams his palm down hard on the steering wheel once.

He allows himself one more guilt-ridden, heartbroken sob before he forces himself to calm down, doing his best to ignore the tumultuous emotions raging inside him as he shuts the car door behind him and hurries towards the entrance.

It’s hard not to cry when he first locks eyes on Hotch. Seeing his calm, stoic supervisor in a state of utter disarray — red-rimmed eyes, messed up hair, ruffled clothes — somehow makes this all seem a bit too real. Maybe in the car ride over he’d still clung to a small, pathetic bit of hope that this is all a nightmare, that he’ll wake up in a minute and he’ll drive to work and Spencer will already be at his desk, beavering away.

In the harsh lights and bustling noise of the hospital corridor, he knows that’s not going to happen.

They don’t say anything as they stare at one another, both clearly struggling to bite back the raw emotion threatening to spill from their eyes, to unleash itself in a full blown meltdown. Eventually, Hotch sits back down and buries his face in his hands, and Derek joins him on the little two-seater bench.

He doesn’t claim to know much about hospitals or medical care in general, but he knows for damn sure that waiting on a bench outside the ICU is not good, and he’s doing everything in his power to not think about that too hard.

They’ve been sat in stony silence for countless minutes before Derek finally lifts his head, though he still can’t bring himself to look at Hotch again. “Have you called the others?”

Hotch swallows, and Derek can see the tear-tracks trailing down the side of his face out of the corner of his eye. He pretends not to notice them.

“No,” he says, voice unsettlingly shaky. “Only you.”

He decides now is not the time to dwell on that. “Is he— is he going to lose his job?”

The only reason none of them had done anything sooner was because they knew how important this job is to Spencer. And Derek hates with a burning, roaring passion that their hesitation; their cowardly delay, might have cost him his life instead. Just the thought brings another choked sob from his lips, and this time the tears come with it. Before he knows it, his shoulders are shaking violently and all the emotions Derek is struggling to name finally come pouring out, right into Hotch’s lap.

He feels an arm wrap around him and he’s too broken not to lean into it, seeking comfort from the one person in the entire world who can offer it right now. Falling apart in his superior’s arms is not how he saw his Thursday evening going, but he’s too exhausted to care.

By the time he finally pulls away, Hotch is crying too, and they sit a little closer on the bench.

“Spencer won’t lose his job,” he says determinedly, looking Derek in the eyes. “Not if I have anything to say about it.”

Derek knows that they will have to lie. Papers will be forged and Hotch will be backed into an impossible corner, and he knows that they could lose their jobs if they are ever found out. He doesn’t fucking care. They’ve already failed Spencer in a disgusting, immeasurable, utterly unforgivable way, and he’ll be damned if they ever do that again.

“Good,” he says, and that’s the end of that.

Derek doesn’t understand most of what the doctor tells them, but he doesn’t really care that much for the technicalities anyway. All he cares about is that Spencer had overdosed in the parking garage of his building and was found by a neighbour he doesn’t even know that well. He cares that a damn near stranger was there for Spencer when he wasn’t, and he cares that Hotch was called as his emergency contact, and as such, Derek can finally step up. He can walk into his room and hold his hand and tell him that he’s here now, and he’s not leaving again.

He cares that Spencer is going to be okay.

He’s still asleep when they’re finally allowed to take their seats by his bedside, and Derek tries very hard not to cry at the sight of him, but it isn’t easy. There’s still a bluish tint to his fingernails, and he looks pale and clammy under the oxygen mask. Medicine drips slowly into the line connected to the cannula in the crook of his elbow, and the heart rate echoing out from the monitors is still alarmingly quick.

The evidence of Derek’s failings is staring him right in the face, and it’s hard not to turn away, but he refuses to let himself. He has a lot to make up to Spencer, but he can damn well start by sitting with him here in his darkest hour.

“We all knew.”

Derek looks up from Spencer’s hand to meet Hotch’s eyes. “Yeah.”

“We all knew, and we didn’t do anything about it.” The guilt in Hotch’s voice is momentous enough to rival Derek’s own, and it hurts to hear. Derek failed Spencer as a colleague and a friend-maybe-something-more, but Hotch failed him as a father figure.

He feels tears well up in his eyes again and he does his best to swallow them back down. “Emily did.”

A violent sob tears itself out of Hotch’s lungs, and it’s so loud that Derek almost flinches. “And isn’t that just so much worse? She barely knows him! I met him at lunch with Gideon when he was nineteen, I’ve known him for seven years! Before all of this went down, he almost called me ‘dad’. And I sat back and watched him suffer with both the PTSD of being kidnapped and the fucking heroin addiction he developed because of that bastard, and I did nothing!”

Derek’s at a loss as he watches Hotch break down in front of him, his voice breaking as he shouts, tears streaming down his face as he dissolves into sobs.

“He’s never gonna forgive me. Nor should he. I can’t stand myself right now.”

A little uncertain of the right thing to do, Derek stands up and crosses to the other side of the bed and wraps his arms around Hotch like he did for him only hours earlier. “We all fucked up,” he agrees, “but we’ll get through this. We might never forgive ourselves, but we can always do better. We can do right by Spencer as he recovers, we can help him get clean, help him keep his job, remind him of how loved he is. We can’t abandon that duty just because we failed at doing it before.”

Hotch sits back up and wipes at his eyes furiously, casting his eyes on Spencer. He reaches a hand out and brushes it through his short but untamed curls tenderly, his thumb caressing his eyebrow and forehead gently.

“I know,” he says quietly. “I won’t fail him again.”

Both Derek and Hotch spring into action as soon as Spencer stirs, waking up slowly through the layers of sleep until he’s staring at both of them with a look of terrified uncomprehension in his eyes.

“Hey,” Hotch says softly, hand moving to cup the side of his face. “You’re alright, you’re safe. You’re in the hospital with me and Derek, and everything’s going to be okay. I promise.”

Spencer slowly looks around the room as the realisation of what’s going on slowly dawns on him, and soon the anxiety is replaced with abject horror and to Derek’s dismay, he immediately starts to cry.

“Hey, hey, pretty boy,” he murmurs as soothingly as he can, following Hotch’s suit and tangling his fingers in Spencer’s hair. “Don’t worry about anything right now, okay? Hotch and I are gonna fix everything right up, and we’re gonna help you. We’re gonna help you like we should’ve helped you before.”

He hates that he loses his composure slightly at the end, but Spencer relaxes slightly so he takes it as a win.

“You can go back to sleep now, Spencer,” Hotch says gently, spotting the signs of exhaustion easily. “We’re gonna stay right here with you, okay? We’ll be here when you wake up.”

When he does finally awaken again, he explains through tears and strangled breaths that he didn’t mean to, that he wasn’t trying to die, he was just so tired and in so much pain that he hadn’t calculated the dosage right.

Hotch and Derek calmly explain that they’re not judging him, and that they’re going to help him through the hospital’s rehab program. Spencer refuses their apologies but they repeat them anyway, trying not to show just how much they hate themselves as they do.

They rope Penelope in, and she helps them make sure Spencer keeps his job, but otherwise their team is entirely oblivious to their chaotic and regret-filled Saturday night spent in George Washington University Hospital.

Most of all, though, Derek does absolutely everything in his power to make sure Spencer is happy, no matter how torn-up and scarred he might feel when he goes home to his own apartment. It isn’t much compared to his property business and his coveted role at the FBI’s behavioural analysis unit, but to Derek it’s his most important and worthy mission in life.

And if that spirals into something more, well. Maybe that’s just one good thing to come out of that small, stuffy, heartbreak-riddled ICU room.

taglist: @suburban--gothic @strippersenseii @takeyourleap-of-faith @negativefouriq @makaylajadewrites @iamrenstark @hotchseyebrows @temily @enbyspencer @reidology @spencerspecifics @bau-gremlin @tobias-hankel @garcias-bitch @oliverbrnch @physics-magic @sbeno22 @im-autistic @anxious-enby @kuolonsyoja @reidreids (add yourself to my taglist via this form!!)

[therainroguefanfiction]

🎃 Frightful October Act VIII, #24 ~ Jane the Ripper (Denki Kaminari)

�� Table of Contents

Genre: Angst, Dark, Fluff, Romance

Word Count: 1,888

Pairing: Slight Yandere/Female Reader x Kaminari

World: Boku no Hero Academia

WARNING: This fic contains depictions of gore and male mutilation. Read at your own risk.

Can I just say how proud I feel to have written this fic with 1,888 words exactly? If you didn’t know, the Jack the Ripper killings took place in the year 1888 and, clearly, this fic was heavily inspired by him. It wasn’t planned and I did not edit this fic to be at that length, it was that length when I finished the fic and popped it into wordcounter and it’s fucking brilliant.

───── ⋆⋅🎃⋅⋆ ─────

Jane the Ripper.

Considered a villain by some and a hero by others, Jane exacts revenge against men that cheat on their significant others. If she finds a man that has cheated, she will judge them by stabbing them through the chest to trap them, cut off their ring finger, castrate them, and then drive a dagger through their heart. Since she cropped up three years ago, the rate at which men cheat has drastically reduced, but there are still those that must be judged, must be punished.

And Jane won’t rest until every single pig has been slain.

───── ⋆⋅🎃⋅⋆ ─────

You were a student of U.A.’s prestigious hero course, part of class 1-A. To your peers, you were a nice person, if not a bit reserved, but no one hated you, not even Bakugo. The truth was that you had no interest in being a pro hero. You came to U.A. for one reason – to watch over your boyfriend, Denki Kaminari. It’s not that you didn’t trust him. You did, to a degree, but it was impossible for you to fully trust anyone. That fact that he was a super flirt didn’t help your trust issues, either.

“Hey, Kaminari, you wanna join us for a milkshake?” Ashido asked, her voice full of excitement. She motioned towards the door where Uraraka, Midoriya, Jirou, and Iida stood, waiting patiently while she gathered more people.

“Sure, sounds fun!” his cheerful expression toward her really pissed you off. He turned his beautiful yellow eyes to meet yours. “You’re coming, too, right, Y/N?”

You hid your anger behind a bright smile. “I’d love to.” ‘Only so I can keep an eye on that bitch.’

Mina Ashido had no interest in your boyfriend, she was just a cheerful, outgoing person, but you didn’t care. Interested in him or not, she shouldn’t be getting so close to someone that belonged to you.

───── ⋆⋅🎃⋅⋆ ─────

It was just after midnight, the full moon bathing the town with a bright, almost ethereal light. The quiet night was broken by a masculine scream, echoing through the streets. Dogs started to bark loudly, trying to alert their owners to something very wrong.

A middle-aged man ran down an alleyway, breathing heavy as his sneakers pounded the pavement. He was terrified, crying out for someone to save him, but all of the pro heroes were too busy elsewhere, just as planned. There was no one around to save him.

Laughter echoed around him as a blur of black rushed overhead, stopping to kneel a few feet before him. He screamed, stumbling back onto his butt. You stood up tall, cape billowing around you in the chilly autumn wind. A wide grin split your face, red eyes glowing from behind a masquerade mask.

“Kian Onizuka, you have been judged,” you took slow, deliberate steps forward, sliding a knife from your sleeve and into the palm of your left hand.

“W-W-Wait, Jane!” The man scrambled back across the pavement, holding his hands up in surrender. “I didn’t cheat on my wife, I swear! We didn’t do anything!”

“The punishment for infidelity… is death!” you threw the blade, propelling it forward with your telekinesis. It slammed into the center of his chest, the force knocking the wind from him as he fell back flat against the cement. The blade cut clean through his body, digging into the cement before two hooks sprung out from the tip, securing it in place.

The man screamed, his hands flying to the hilt. He tried to pull it out, but the spikes prevented any movement.

You chuckled darkly at his futile attempts, a blade falling into your right hand. You kneeled down beside him, your free hand gently rubbing his stomach before moving toward his crotch. He stopped struggling, eyes locking with yours as you slowly unbuttoned his jeans. His breath was coming out in small clouds and you could see his penis starting to enlarge, pushing against the fabric.

Your lips curled up in disgust. “This turns you on, you filthy pig?” You grabbed his dick tightly, squeezing it tightly. He yelped in pain, trying to pull your hand away. You cackled and, with one clean slice, you cut his dick from his body. He screamed, body thrashing wildly as blood splurted from the room.

“May you suffer for eternity in hell,” you snarled, grabbing the hilt of the first blade and tugging it up, the spikes demolishing his insides and piercing his heart in the process. You picked up his hand and sliced through his ring finger.

He coughed up blood, gasping for air, but his body stilled, the life fading from his eyes.

You dipped your white gloves into his blood, writing a warning for all to see on the wall beside his corpse. With another disgusting look, you turned on your heel and disappeared into the night.

───── ⋆⋅🎃⋅⋆ ─────

“Did you see the news last night? Jane the Ripper claimed another victim!” Ashido announced as she slammed her lunch tray onto the table.

Sero shuddered, holding himself. “I can’t believe a villain goes around castrating men.”

“This chick clearly can’t get any!” Bakugo laughed loudly before stuffing his face.

You glared down at your lunch, stuffing a spoonful of rice into your mouth to keep yourself from speaking your mind. ‘Those damn fools. I am cleansing this world of filth for them. They should be grateful.‘

“She only attacks men that have cheated on their partners,” Jirou added before smirking. “Kaminari is the only one in danger at this table.”

Your head snapped up, eyes narrowed at her. Did she know something that you didn’t?

Denki scowled at her. “What kind of person do you take me for? I would never cheat on Y/N!”

“I bet you know all about such things, don’t you, Y/N?” Monoma approached the table with a smirk. You snapped your angry gaze to him but held your tongue. This only made his smirk grow.

“What are you talking about?” Ashido asked.

“Oh, Y/N didn’t tell you?” he clicked his tongue, his eyes never leaving yours. “Y/N’s dad was a man-whore that slept with anything that had a pulse. His wife was so ignorant, it took her years to figure it out, and when she finally did -” he made a slicing motion with his finger. “She castrated him while their five-year-old child watched. Poor thing, ne, Y/N~”

‘How does this bastard know all that?!’ your eyes were wide, fists clenched so tightly that your nails broke the skin. The table was dead silent, everyone’s eyes on your shaking form. The silverware began to shake violently as you stood up, eyes flashing. “That fucking bastard got what he deserved. He cheated on her for years without remorse, even in our home! All men are fucking pigs that deserve to be punished for their sins! Jane the Ripper is my hero!”

Gasps and murmurs broke out across the cafeteria, eyes following you as you stalked out of the room, surrounded by floating cutlery. You had worked so damn hard to keep your secret hidden, to hide the dark past in which you suffered on a daily basis. You tried so fucking hard and that bastard ruined it with just a few words. Your hands fisted into fists.

‘No man can be trusted.’

You left the school that day, skipping the rest of your classes. Denki had a bad feeling settling in his gut. How could he have known you for so long without knowing how much anger, how much hatred you harbored toward men? Why didn’t he recognize your pain, your cries for help?

He felt like a failure as your boyfriend.

───── ⋆⋅🎃⋅⋆ ─────

Denki stood outside your apartment door, his hand hovering over the doorknob. Swallowing his nerves, he pushed the door open and slipped inside. You were sitting on the couch, cleaning an assortment of knives and daggers.

You didn’t bother looking up.

“You’re not coming back to U.A. are you?” he asked, softly, hovering in the doorway.

“Nope.”

“Why?”

Your eyes slid to meet his, softening a bit. “You know why, Denki.”

He took a shaky breath. “You… you’re Jane the Ripper.”

You smiled, holding up the blade to the light as you inspected it. “That’s correct.”

“You hate men.”

“No,” you pursed your lips. “I don’t trust men.”

“But you trust me…” he stepped closer, his eyes pleading with you. “Don’t you?”

You placed the knife on the table and approached him. You expected his body to tense up, for fear to shine in his eyes, but you only saw pain and love. You rested your hand on his cheek, which he covered with his own. “No matter what happened, you’ve always been by my side. Do you… hate me?”

“I could never hate you, Y/N! I just… it hurts,” his hand tightening around yours as tears sprung to his eyes. “Why didn’t you tell me? About your parents, about what you were feeling? I could have -”

“Saved me?” you raised a brow with a bitter smile. “Afraid not, my love. You’re going to be an amazing hero someday, Denki,” you tried to pull your hand away but he refused to release his grip.

“Don’t leave me,” he whispered, free hand grasping at your hip. “I had everything planned out for us. Getting married after graduation, buying a house, having kids… I can’t picture that with anyone else!”

Your heart seized painfully and you lowered your head. Your entire life, people looked down on you for what your mother had done. They looked at you with pity. You couldn’t remember a time when you didn’t feel like a monster. No one ever showed you love or treated you like a human being until the day you met Denki. He was an angel that you didn’t deserve.

He moved his hand from your hip to lift your chin, his lips claiming yours in a kiss full of love and passion. You could feel the desires of his heart and it made you feel more guilty than you already did.

You tugged yourself away from him, turning your back. “Go be a hero, Denki. Forget about me, you can do better.”

“I’m not leaving you,” his words were firm.

You scowled at him. “A hero can’t date a villain.”

“You can still be a hero!”

You scoffed, sitting on the side of the table with your elbows on your knees. “Do you even know how many men I’ve killed? I’m not just a villain, I’m a serial killer. There is no hope for me anymore.”

“It’s never too late to change!” he kneeled down in front of you, taking your hands into his. “Please… promise me you won’t kill anyone else. Focus on me and only me. I will never betray you, Y/N.”

You could see the sincerity in his eyes.

Denki reached up, wiping away the tears from your eyes before they could slide down your cheeks. He pressed a chaste kiss on your forehead before bringing you into his arms and holding you against his warm chest. You gripped his waist tightly, listening to the steady rhythm of his heart.

“Denki?”

“Yes, love?”

“You’re the only man I’ve ever trusted. I… I’ll do whatever you tell me to do.”

His grip tightened as he rested his head against yours. “I won’t fail you, Y/N.”

───── ⋆⋅🎃⋅⋆ ─────

[wanna-b-poet31]

Observations on Aziraphale and Food

In the last few days I’ve noticed a few things I never considered in my earlier Observations of Aziraphale and Food. Primarily, how much Gabriel (and Heaven)’s treatment of Aziraphale’s relationship with food mirrors their treatment of his relationship with Crowley!

Let’s take a closer look at the Sushi-house scene.

As I mentioned before, Aziraphale goes from an expectant smile to a terse, forced one in a matter of seconds. He glances to his left, at a mirror (not a door), expectantly and his face falls considerably as he’s faced with Gabriel’s >garbage< presence.  There’s a tense greeting (Gabriel cutting off Aziraphale’s attempts at politeness) and then Gabriel starts by saying:

[gif: Gabriel, pointing to food saying “why do you consume that” with an emphasis on that, indicating a dismissive tone]  

I maintain that Gabriel’s actions here ARE abusive with a capital A, but they’re also dismissive and hypocritical. Look at the condescending pointing, accusatory tone, the grimace of the Hollier-than-thou archangel. Not only is food, and eating disgusting to him, it’s “unnatural” to him. It repulses him, and is somehow sullying “the temple of [his] celestial body with gross matter”.

In the above gif, pay particular attention to the feigned look of momentary confusion before settling on the condemnation of food as “gross matter”. Yes, you could read this as him being genuinely confused about why/how Aziraphale could possibly choose to indulge in food, but any authenticity is immediately undercut when Aziraphale points out Gabriel’s attire and Gabriel admits he “likes the clothes”.  In almost the same breath he’s ready to attack Aziraphale. 

Functionally, Gabriel is “guilty” with the same “sin” of over-indulgence, of an overattachment to human items, to coveting clothes, but it is Aziraphale who is wrong. It is somehow Aziraphale who is “deserving” of punishment. Gabriel is not without sin, so why is he throwing the first stone?

Control. 

Heaven’s need/demand for control is fundamental. Aziraphale’s indulgences are only gluttonous to Heaven and Gabriel because it allows him an outlet to exercise freedom outside their sanctioned, color-coded, cold-blooded power structure. Like nothing is intrinsically wrong with Aziraphale liking food, there’s nothing intrinsically wrong with working or loving Crowley. Michael clearly reaches out to Ligur as equals, Gabriel joins Beelzebub freely at the airfield, and then Eric, a disposable demon, is referred to as Heaven’s new associate.  Essentially, because the ineffable spouses can’t be controlled  (at least not easily) when they’re together, and on the same page, they must be crushed. 

The double standard exists almost exclusively to harm Aziraphale and Crowley, our loveable bastards. Unlike other bad angels and demons we see in Good Omens, they will choose to be kind, Aziraphale will choose to be “frivolous” with his miracles, and Crowley will choose compassion towards kids (although he does plead on the behalf of all humanity when he talks to God). 

But, Gabriel and Heaven cannot allow for dissent or variable. Heaven cannot allow Aziraphale the same freedom to interact with demons because it would erode their control over the principality. Partly because of Aziraphale clear, explicit, and repeated concern and disagreement with the end times -- more than once offering solutions that don’t require a war to have to happen at all -- but because Aziraphale is a liability to the cause. 

So What Does This Scene Do?

This is the most critical moment for Aziraphale as it is a direct test of the pretext that he has established between himself and Crowley. We get the feeling that no one from Heaven has actually witnessed Aziraphale’s eating and drinking habits, and Aziraphale has banked so much on the idea that consuming food and using food as a layer of protection. So when Gabriel asks him about it the accusation speaks volumes. The message from Gabriel is clear: Aziraphale is wrong for eating, but also, his acceptance that it is necessary for Aziraphale to masquerade on earth shows that the pretext works.

Aziraphale tries to present his interest, a small act of individuality, of love, without pretext. To love something, someone, simply because he loves it. And this is the reaction he gets:

[gif: Gabriel from Good Omens makes a face of repulsion while Aziraphale tries to explain that people he likes sushi just because it’s nice]

It’s immediately clear that simply loving his interest is will be rejected. 

If something so small, so inconsequential like food is easily condemned because he likes it without a reason, then there’s no way in Heaven or Hell that being transparent about his feelings (platonic or no) towards Crowley will be accepted.

So, after a beat, Aziraphale has his reaction ready, smoothly arguing that eating sushi seeing Crowley, is something humans do. Through a forced smile, he insists he’s doing it merely for “Keeping up appearances”. And, with some commentary about the nice suits, Gabriel grudgingly accepts this excuse. It is within reason that Aziraphale is indeed going to need to be “keeping up appearances”. 

His transgression is still “condemnable” in Gabriel’s worldview (as evidenced by the face of repulsion at being offered tea), but Aziraphale’s actions are suddenly acceptable because it doesn’t denote independence, nor breaks Heaven’s double standard.

This scene reaffirms Aziraphale’s use of food as a safety net. And reminds him how critical it is for them to have a pretense, a catalyst which allows them a cover from the wrath of their respective bosses. The mere fact that he can escape this encounter without being harmed because of the pretext of food, is motivation enough to keep holding Crowley at an arm’s length away. If he can spin their encounters as innocently going to lunch to “keep up appearances,” both are protected. Both, at least Aziraphale hopes both, are safe.

Remember, Aziraphale is the one who constantly insists that Hell will Destroy Crowley for being caught being with him. While at the Globe, at the park in the 1800′s,  or in the Bentley with the thermos -- places mind you where Aziraphale’s preferred pretense is barely there and he is most vulnerable--  he doesn’t emphasize his own safety, but Crowley’s. He needs this pretext yes, he knows Heaven will make him pay, but he cares, despite it all so much for Crowley.

As long as there’s the pretext of a meal, there’s safety. 

Which, to me, at least makes the 60′s Bentley scene so much more powerful. 

Crowley is willing to drop the pretext in a heartbeat. In fact, if you go all the way back and look at his initial request for Holy water, that IS his first attempt at dropping pretext. He is announcing that he is willing to drop literally everything, to throw his lot in with Aziraphale, all he needs is a weapon. He is as explicitly as he can, telling Aziraphale that if this all goes to Hell, they are not so different, (read: they want the same things) and they need physical protection. 

But, Aziraphale has a weapon. He has food; he has social decorum; he has excuses; he has loopholes; he has pretext. He is almost literally physically unable to disobey Heaven and he’s been conditioned to need Heaven like an abusive parent. His need to be accepted by Heaven is almost as much as he willingly chooses to love Crowley, so he cannot surrender pretext. Especially if the threat of Crowley’s (and his) safety hangs in the balance.

Back in the Bentley, When Crowley says “I’ll give you a lift. Anywhere you want to go” he’s effectively saying “I will give you the picnic, I’ll take you to the Ritz, I will drop all pretext now. I’m ready for that future with you, without ”. 

Aziraphale rips all of our (and Crowley’s) Hearts out when he says “You go to fast for me, Crowley” because we’re all aware that it’s not a no to the romantic feelings. But he just handed Crowley a literal suicide pill, the seeds of his best friend’s own destruction. He has just detailed how Holy Water will destroy Crowley’s very essence, how he has just made Crowley unsafe with the tartan thermos. And yet, he refuses to dismantle all of the safety nets he’s constructed for himself and Crowley. 

TLDR: Food is a pretext that Aziraphale tests and uses to evade Gabriel’s/Heaven’s abuse. And, he so badly needs to and wants to shield Crowley and himself, meanwhile, Crowley is more than willing to be the thing that protects them both. They’re both so ready to be loved and protect the one they love most.

Thanks for coming to my TedTalk

[mellz117]

Hi! I’m Mellz and I’m starting up Kingdom Hearts 2 on the PlayStation 2! 

Just below are links to the first parts of my previous Kingdom Hearts plays.

[ KH1 ] _ [ Re:CoM Sora ] _ [ KH Re:CoM Riku ]

It’s been a hot minute, like 3,155,763 smoldering hot minutes, which would be 6 years including leap years. Yeah it was 01/27/2014 last I touched this game, exactly 6 years ago to this day (01/27/2020) as of me starting up again. This was an accident.

Guide thingy: Things like long gaps between commentary and days will be separated by a line of dots like that ->  ……

Text relating to an image posted will have a blockquote either above and/or below the image

Dialogue exchanges will also be separated by a blockquote

Ok I'm playing on standard difficulty, if I'm having a hard time, then I just suck. If you’re reading this and haven’t experienced KH2 for yourself, why are you here? Go away, there’s spoilers for things that aren’t revealed until later.

SO LET’S JUST JUMP INTO IT

……………………………………………………………………………………………

I always liked this fancy CGI opening. There’s a lot of things I missed last I saw it.

IT’S HIM. Look how cute he is! 

So we start off with a recap of Kingdom Hearts via a dream it seems and our protagonist, my precious boy Roxas, wakes up his own home all alone because apparently DiZ didn't create a digital family for him. But KH is notorious for forgetting parents, so maybe they did. I’m not Cinema Sins so I wont ping this game for not giving Roxas fake parents lmao

In the next scene Roxas is more interested in his own hands than he is in his friends' conversation. 

blurry ring textures, blurry checker pattern. Not everything holds up well on a flat screen TV

He hasn't been paying attention so he's just as confused as the player is at this point when he finally takes his attention off his hands.

This dialogue is so early 2000's. KH1 and CoM avoided this but with the urban setting of Twilight Town it's DEFINITELY noticeable and outdated. So rumors have spread about Roxas, Hayner, Pence, and Olette that photographs are being stolen, and THEY'RE the theives. Who is the operator of the rumor mill? Seifer and his posse. Also the actual WORD is gone too, they try to say “photo” but it just DOESN’T EXIST. This is where the game gets a bit odd.

TUTORIALS GALORE. I JUST WANT TO PAUSE AND CHANGE THE CAMERA CONTROLS STOP TELLING ME ABOUT MY NEXT OBJECTIVE but no no it’s telling me how to lock on, control my camera, context sensitive buttons, etc 

This girl’s dress looks like shes wearing a bra over it 

I like how the animal AI hasn't changed at all in this entire series. And by like I mean hate, KH3 doesn't change that. Sven is as boring as this cat we have to look at.

The gang heads to the sandlot where Seifer, Fuujn, Raijin, and Vivi like to hang out I guess? Vivi is a little, solid black, wizard dwarf amongst all these regular humans and no one bats an eye. This shit is normal. Seifer with his stupid Seto Kaiba jacket, shows up to further accuse Roxas and his friends of stealing photos, one specifically of Roxas flat on his face and Seifer standing triumphantly over him (which we’re actually shown later). "That was undeniable proof that we totally owned you lamers" he says in regards to it and challenges Roxas to a rematch.

A+ dialogue

Seifer. My dude, ya dumb-dumb. If you think for one second that I'm gonna let my boy lose to you, you are sorely mistaken. 

“If you get on your knees and beg, maybe I’ll let it slide.” Seifer says and Roxas plays it slick, taking a knee and looking through a convenient selection of foam weapons. Battle ensues.

So of course I win because Seifer is a pleb, and Pence takes a commemorative ______ of Roxas's sound victory, but oh no! Something stole the camera right out of Pence's hands! Roxas gives chase, because apparently he's the only one who cares enough to do so, and confronts the actual thief, a Dusk type Nobody. Roxas is taking this creature encounter rather calmly. Like mild confusion at most.

I hate these things, they're creepy. When you do a reversal on them they like, plant their hands on the ground behind them and their legs wrap around their arms while they spaz out. Ughghdhahh

Of course Roxas's foam bat doesnt cause any damage to the Dusk, and suddenly a familiar giant key digitally manifests in his hands. DiZ is installing mods I see. I have a Keyblade mod in Skyrim, so we have something in common.

After we defeat the thief the next scene shows the gang at the usual spot with the recovered photos. Ok ok so was "photo" the only word deleted from the vocabulary or were any other alternative words taken away too? Like, if they could have said "picture" this whole time, they would have had much less stupid sounding dialogue exchanges. Whatever lmao.

“Tell us about the picture thief.”

“Not much to say. The pictures were just lying there.”

You liar. Tell them about how you fought a wormy, white boy.

Pence notices all the pics are of Roxas and speculates the picture thief wanted to take the REAL Roxas and Hayner is like

The best friendships are ones where you can take jabs at each other and know there’s no malice intended.

 In the scene thereafter, the kids go their separate ways, the evening(?) sun assaults Roxas's eyes, and whenever he closes them he gets another vision? Idk what time of day it is it always looks the same.

God ok as someone who hadn’t played CoM before playing KH2 for the first time, I must have been SUPER lost regarding who DiZ and Namine were and why Sora is in the pod. More recaps of KH1: I don’t know why they found it necessary to redub over the old voices with the new actors in these flashbacks.

Moving on. Roxas learns what the Keyblade is through his dreams. On his way to meet up with his friends, he tries summoning the Keyblade with a stick, when that doesn’t work he carelessly throws it aside and it hits this cloak clad man behind him. This dude is either completely unfazed by that is or so offended he can’t even say anything and walks away before he goes all Karen on Roxas’s ass.

We’re back at the usual spot and summer vacation is nearing it’s end. Hayner wants to go to the beach before school is back in session! You poor fuckers...

Same, dude. I’m waiting on my tax returns, looking forward to that.

SKATEBOARD

“TO DEFEAT THE HUNSSSSSSS!”

Pretzels at the beach? Salty and not refreshing. I got you fam, I’ll make enough money for a watermelon. Roxas is so poor omg... How much is 150 Munny in American currency?

Just BEAT the cargo with a foam bat. What’s IN the bag? Is it trash? Clothes? Is it potentially breakable? Next. Time to beat some bees!

So Poster Duty was my go-to job in this game in the past because you could get 100 Munny if you did well. But now that I’m older I realized how annoying it is. I had an efficient route planned out, hit as many of the 3 poster placements in that route, and be over and done with that in about 1:10....

But then Roxas goes aND DOES THIS!

FUCKING SKIPS THE ONE DIRECTLY NEXT TO HIM, DEFYING GRAVITY IN FAVOR OF THE POSTS BELOW

HE DOES THIS CONSISTENTLY!! I do have a live reaction to this but it’s too big for tumblr. I’ll have it up on youtube one of these days

Eventually I stopped sticking posters to walls and became a mailman until the game made me stop.

Black-clad man is back with his own stick! Oof, Roxas eats the pavement and is manhandled by cloaky boy. WAS THIS ROUGH TREATMENT REALLY THAT NECESSARY? You might wanna treat Sora's Nobody with a little more respect. AND YOU STOLE HIS HARD-EARNED MONEY! YOU BASTARD!

The gang is on the clock tower, very dangerously high up. Wtf what if someone falls?! Roxas feels so guilty about what happened and Hayner gets over this little fiasco pretty quickly and the next day he already has another fun plan.

……………………………………………………………………………………………

On his way to the station, Roxas crosses paths with Pence and Olette, the latter two freeze and Roxas meets Namine. Is her interest in Roxas linked to her desire to be Sora’s friend? A strange girl tells Roxas she wanted to meet him “at least once” and he doesn’t know what to do lol. Namine doesn’t stay long, leaving Roxas with his confusion. What is going through his head? A girl he doesn’t know seems to know him well enough to want to see him. Pence and Olette unfreeze after Namine is out of the shot. Pence and Olette have such a cute relationship, I’d love for them to be siblings. Pence goes shopping with her even if he might not want to. I can relate, I hate clothes shopping.

These Dusks don’t seem like too much of a threat tbh, they just kinda swagger slowly towards Roxas and grab his hand. Roxas hardly struggles to escape to the sandlot.

Chicken wuss

WE FINALLY GET SOMEWEHERE, we end up on the stained glass pillars in the Station of Serenity (?). Time to grind for like 5 minutes because this giant noodle boy already killed me once.

This thing really unsettles me. All the creature Nobodies do! They’re all twitchy and stretchy. DISGUSTING

DAMN THAT IS A HIGH FALL HOW DO YOU SURVIVE THAT?!

Upon defeat, this big noodle boy falls on top of Roxas and Namine saves him from being enveloped by darkness.

Namine really seems to like to silence him. First she shoves her hand in his face but that was too forward. This time she daintily places a finger over her lips and says her part. Black-cloak guy shows up, rough handles Namine a little bit but not as roughly as he did Roxas. AND SHOVES ROXAS INTO A PORTAL

SEIFER IS AN OPPORTUNISTIC SHITLET POSING IN FRONT OF HIS UNCONSIOUS BODY. Bitch you didn’t earn that. Hayner, Pence, and Olette see Roxas with Seifer’s gang, Hayner feels betrayed thinking Roxas ghosted him in favor of Seifer. He stays pretty salty about it for a good while

IM NOT WORKING ON THIS LIKE I SHOULD. ITS ALMOST A MONTH SINCE STARTING. In my next post we'll be "Struggling" to progress. Eh? Eh? Get it? Like the tournament?

I'm not funny.

Here’s the next part: [ _2_ ]

Below is a compilation of my live reactions and comments throughout this point of the game.

[yuki-d-raizel-blog]

Hero

Chapter 27/??

Relationship: Todoroki Shouto x Reader (Your/Name), (Full/Name)

Summit: It all begin at the Sports Festival when Shouto’s other half met Endevour by mistake. The student never thought to see his partner fight against his father just to show him that he is wrong. It started from that instant, Shouto’s new path started exactly from that moment thanks to his friends and his beloved one.

---

<<Hey, what happened?>> you ask checking if there are dead injuries, <<Calm down little boy, I’m here.>>

<<W-we were going in a safer zone, b-but t-those things attacked us a-and…>> he can’t even speak properly, for the fear, <<F-four men h-helped us b-but… I-I can’t, please come back, the others are going to die!>>>

“Those things… Noumu?! The police lost them?!” you grab the phone to see the location of your friends, <<Ran, I will go back, you must do what I’m going to tell, ok?>> your eyes fly on the screen to see something different, <<First, call Hakkai and tell him this position, I’ll buy some time. It’s a blind alley so make it as fast as possible, I used my powers already, I don’t know for how much time I can fight against those creepy creatures. Second, follow Endevour and take everyone to a safe zone.>>

<<Wait, you can’t fight them alone!>> screams the child seeing you run away direct to a wide road, <<Belial!>>

<<Stay close to the others! I’ll be back soon!>> the girl smiles disappearing once she turned to the right.

“I have this scary feeling all over my spine… That dream is rising inside my mind…” <<Hi, I am Shouto.>> the students kneels in front of the child to ask him something, <<Can you tell me who was the enemy, exactly?>>

<<E-eh?>> the boy seems still shocked, <<Um… Two tall and strong creatures with their brains exposed… and two men… One of them… he’s a monster…>>

<<Four enemies… (Y/N)-chan used a big amount of her strongest flames already…>> Midoriya’s whisper send a strong shock through his spine and Todoroki realizes, “She’s gonna lose!” Deku and Shouto sprint at the same time, running as fast as possible to catch their friend up before it’s too late.

“Don’t disappear on me, (Y/N)!”

 ---

<<Shuu, no! He isn’t your brother!>> scream Lenka, being the witness of a crude reality. His friend is defeated and risks his life because of those enemies…

They recognized the creatures that (Y/N) talked about, but they don’t know the person that is standing with a long red ruby lance. He didn’t do anything, the Noumu were too strong, the group didn’t have the time to use (Y/N)’s powers, they were too busy on the defense. Now they are badly hurt and don’t know if the child they saved, reached (Y/N) to ask help. Joel is half crushed under a collapsed building and can’t move anymore, Shuu stays immobile on the cold road, bleeding too much and too fast, Tenka is hurt on his shoulder unable to move his arm, while Tenka barely can move his leg.

<<I’m sorry, our leader told us to bring despair, so let’s get started.>> the man who defeated Shuu, slaps his fingers and smiles evil, <<Kill them, Noumu.>>

The group gives up. (Y/N) was right, they have the same strength as All Might, there’s no way that they can win against those monsters. Now that they finally can use the power of the beasts, they choose to not do it, knowing that it would kill them sooner. They feel bad for the kid, that child would feel so guilty for their deaths, but he has no faults. And (Y/N)… She’ll take this so badly, that they can image of what she could do…

Tenka and Lenka fall on the ground waiting their turn, Joel just lays his forehead on the cement while the Noumu is marching towards Shuu. It’s over. Lenka is brave enough to see how Shuu dies, and his attention is caught by a light on the roof of a building.

Generating a blue-white glowing rod of energy, the savior throws it at the intended target. It multiplies into a hundred more rods, which rain down on the Noumu and pin it against the road, completely immobilizing it. Looking better at them, those pillars are made by ice, so that means…

<<Oi, that isn’t (Y/N)’s…?>> says Tenka with a low voice, he opened his eyes when he heard a bunch of dull sounds, and he found a Noumu impaled on the street with huge icy rods, <<Hard to dodge in a small area, the ice goes quickly through the target, freezing their muscles and nerves, and it reaches the hard surface, blending with it… completely block the enemy… Yeah, it’s->>

<<Soaring Net of the Heavens.>> whispers Joel surprised.

(Y/N) appears in front of the last Noumu, points at it with her index finger and generates a concentrated bolt of lightning that pierced the creature and breaks the road, almost melting it. As soon the beast falls, she traps it inside a freezing coffin and quickly, she touches the ground and erects a huge wall of ice, dividing the group from the enemy.

<<Shuu…>> her voice is so worried while she blocks the hemorrhage in his chest, <<I’m here, don’t worry.>>

<<…(Y/N)…>> he opens his eyes and smiles, <<T-thank… you…>> when the wound is closed and the pain goes away, the tall man sits up and looks around to understand what happened.

The man with the lance whistles surprised, “That was a weak Dragon Strike Heaven.” thinks hitting lightly his shoulder with the lance, while he is looking the girl praying, “Oh? She’s gonna use Gluttony’s strength? Then, I was right. The third coming of Kafka is here.”

You take a street lamp, freeze it and break it to use as a lever. You put it between the ruins and create a lay of ice to protect Joel from the weight of the building. Through her ripped clothes, red and flaming signs appear and run all over her figure and she starts to push down to move off the ruins from her friend.

When Shouto and Midoriya reach the battlefield, their friend is facing two Noumu and a smiling man. The two students can’t go in the street to help her thought, they are blocked in the alley from a huge wall of ice, stuck between the buildings.

<<Who are those people?>> says Izuku, <<Everyone is beaten up badly, we need to climb over this->>

The same man of Todoroki’s dream stands between the two monsters. He’s about to intervene but Joel’s voice stops him.

<<Watch out Belial, that criminal has an illusion quirk. He can change his appeal basing on our feelings.>> he says and Lenka adds, <<He assumed Yamato’s semblances and defeated Shuu playing with his emotions.>>

<<I am your lovely hero, Yamato.>> the man walks towards the girl smiling, <<You will never hurt me, right?>>

<<I give you three seconds to surrender.>> you say with a disgusted face, <<I’m not as weak as Shuu.>>

<<What are you saying? You don’t remember me?>> the woman discovers that even the voice is the same, but this doesn’t mean that she falls on the trap easily, <<It’s true, I left you guys for years, but I’m here again.>>

<<You can’t fool me…>> Belial breaks his arm with her reinforced kick, <<I’m strict with myself and know better than anyone that this person is not with us anymore.>> crushed on the ground, the man loses his power.

<<H-how…? You would kill someone you love?! Are you crazy?!>> he shouts holding his broken arm.

<<I already did. That’s why I feel this sin on my heart more than anyone.>> the girl raises her leg to finish the criminal with an axe kick, but...

<<(Y/N), behind you!!>> screams Shouto scared, he assisted at something unbelievable. The wall of ice that kept the Noumu and the man with the lance away from the group, was broken by an invisible force and the monsters charged at the same time.

“My ice was broken..? Who done that?!” the girl is keeping the creatures away from her friends, and managed to defeat one of them using Wrath. “I’m using Astraroth too much but I can’t fight equally with these bastards if I choose another beast… They move too quickly for Sloth, they have too energy and I can’t steal it... I hope some pros will notices the mess that I’m gonna do...”

“I need to save her! That dream is becoming the reality!” Todoroki is thinking as hard as possible to find a way to climb over the wall of ice. It’s not easy as he thought, if someone tries to climb, the ice increases, making the wall taller and taller, “She created this because she knew that someone would run after her… My fire can’t melt this, Midoriya can’t jump over either… What I need to do? Think faster Shouto!”

The time pass and the girl is showing the first signs of fatigue, there is clearly something that is weakening her, but what? She is struggling against that Noumu, she is paying more attention to herself than the enemy. Why?

<<Don’t go near them, you creepy fucker!>> she stops the beast holding it in place, <<Fuck…>> whispers her, breathing fast, her feet are sliding on the street breaking the concrete, “It’s gonna win!” the symbols on her body shine more and the student can move the Noumu backwards, “I’m killing myself like this, but it’s the only method I have to fight this shit!” she breaks the contact and tries to hit the creature with a kick, but it’s not as she thought.

<<(Y/N)!!>> the beast grabbed her leg and throwed her inside a building, breaking a lot of things, <<Run away! You used too much your powers!>> screams Joel, <<It’s too dangerous for you to fight again!>>

<<Not even in your dreams….>> the woman moves the huge ruins and stands up wiping away the blood from her forehead, <<If a hero run away, who’s gonna fight?>>

“If she is risking her life… Then!” <<They won’t take the hope we hold onto…>> Shuu softly sings and stands up awaking his beast, surrounding himself with blue flaming chains.

<<Dressed in a noble darkness….>> Tenka mirrors him and he grabs his ōdachi, which blade is covered with strong electric shocks, while Ba’al protects him.

<<A new star calls out to heaven….>> it’s Lenka’s turn, he stands up and cracks his silver long whip, and stands ready.  

<<We’ll make a miracle together…>> Joel is protected by a blizzard and the cold wind forge his two long and sharp claws of ice, and he walks nearer his friends.

<<The legend of the seven stars will begin…>> (Y/N) stops in front of everyone and surrounds herself with purple flames while the symbols on her legs and arms start to shine stronger. Everyone hangs backwards a bit and kicks the ground ready to defeat the last Noumu.

“They are singing, Yamato-san’s song…?” thinks Izuku hypnotized. He’s sure that they’re fighting, but for him is…. A dance. They are all smiling, moving their weapons so gracefully, he doesn’t even see the damages they are doing to the creature, <<Wow… This is when the beasts share their power with a mate… Amazing…>> he whispers, scared that Shouto could yell at him, he knows that is not the right moment to think about the seven beasts, they need to find a way to climb over and help (Y/N).

<<Impossible…>> says the criminal, <<They stopped Noumu’s regeneration skills?!>>

The monster is losing limb after limb and it can’t run away either, a fire circle is keeping him in place. It is an easy prey.

<<Let these burning emotions become flames and illuminate the darkness. Hundreds of blooming flowers seethe in our blaze and shine on our dreams.>> the team starts the last assault without mercy, <<That day we sweeped you away to heaven, do you remember it?>> when the monster falls on the street immobile, the group surrounds him and starts to walk in circle following the rhythm inside their heads, <<Sparks fly as the night burns… Shall we keep it hot? This eternal inferno!>> they all smile and jump back, when flames burn the Noumu alive.

“Why they are all smiling? I can’t get it.” thinks Shouto staring at the tired squad. “I need to climb over, I’m terrified by the man with the lance… He has a scary aura all around himself… I don’t like him at all!”

<<W-who is that woman…?!>> the criminal can’t believe what he just saw.

The team fall on their knees panting exhausted, using the beasts when the body isn’t in good conditions, is too risky. They survived thanks to a miracle, indeed.

<<Your name is (Y/N), right?>> for the first time, the man with the lance moves his feet from his position, <<I was looking for you… And now I found you.>>

<<I don’t know who the hell are you, but…>> the girl rips her costume since it was all ruined and it kept getting in her way, <<You don’t seem to want to surrender, so I must fight you too.>>

“Oh lord!” <<Todoroki-kun, I am so sorry….>> says Izuku blushing and looking away.

<<If you stare too much, I’m gonna freeze you alive Midoriya.>> “I understand that she did that because the costume was getting in her way, but (Y/N) for the love of god… You can’t show your body like that!”

“What a fearless fighter…” <<Here little girl, take this.>> the lance villain takes his jacket and offers it to you.

<<We’re facing the third coming of Kafka and you’re worried about her breasts?!>> shouts the criminal.

<<No, if I make an offering maybe she’ll spare me.>> comments the other smiling, when he sees symbols go on the rest of her body, covering her torso, and face, he says with a grin on his face, <<Don’t you think you should stop using Gluttony? You know what price you must pay for that beast.>>

“How he knows about it? Who is this man?” <<If you don’t like him, I can change.>> the girl uses her ice skills to attack, “Thousand Year Ice Prison.”

Suddenly, many ice pillars encircle her and her enemies. Belial turns her hand 90 degrees counter-clockwise, prompting the pillars to move towards the two criminals, enveloping them.

<<What? Why the pillars of the prison don’t crush them?>> comments Izuku studying everything carefully, he sees a strange fear appearing on (Y/N)’s face.

<<You asked why I was more worried for her breasts than the girl herself…>> the voice of the man comes out the icy cage, <<Because I am the owner of the Verg Avesta.>> a crimson light cuts the pillars in half and breaks the prison, showering the man with the ruby lance with crystals, <<And it’s impolite to stare at a girl’s body.>>

---Continue...

Chapter 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 21.5, 22, 22.5, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35, 36, Last Chapter

[bang-me-bangtan-style]

FORBIDDEN CHAPTER 15

WORD COUNT:3.3K

CHAPTERS | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 | ....

WHAT REALLY HAPPENED AFTER THAT KISS

 – BONUS CONTENT  

Things were stranger than usual since that kiss. Neither of us didn't know what to say. And I definitely didn't know why to say.  Why did I just let her kiss me like that? Why did I kiss back? Did I like my sis..ter? Andwae! No way! That's sick! I can't think like that! But why did I feel like I put the last piece to a jigsaw puzzle together? Everything was so difficult to think about it gave me a headache. Why did this happen? What – how was she feeling? What did she think of when I kissed her back? Was she disgusted? Was I disgusted?

I hate questions.

There she was sleeping in her chair watching over me. She had told me mom and dad were on their way to come see me. Which I wasn't happy about. I was embarrassed by my actions. I didn't think it would go as far as to being in the hospital. I Just wanted A little more numbing to ease the pain. I don't remember wanting to commit suicide, but then again I don't remember that much after I got drunk and took the pills. So Maybe I did mean to kill myself. Only God knows. Because god knows I wasn’t in my right mind.

I looked at my sister. She was so...so....perfect. She was so beautiful it hurt. But why did it hurt? When I thought of questions like this, my mind went Completely blank. Like there was something I was about to find out, but still couldn't quite put my finger on it. I mean I kind of had the idea but I didn’t want to admit it.

Anyways other than that I didn't know how to act around her now after that.... I can't even say it. Ugh. What am going to do? I feel weird. Very weird. I glance over her I'm feeling something I don't want to admit. What is this exactly? Someone help me.

Heaven forbid and forgive me for my sins. I pray that this doesn't get out of hand and even worse Complicated. Sehun is my brother and it should stay that way. But when he kissed me back it had gave me false hope. Hope for us. But we all know how much of a fairy-tale that could be. Reality was and reality is always what we try to avoid. And that why there is a saying "please come back to reality." Because chances are that person is delusional and trying to run from it. Just like I.

After Sehun and I kissed well this is what had happened: 

BONUS

 CONTENT BELOW

"So just get out." He said. "You hesitated, but you got up to grant his wish. "Also move out, do something, I don't want you at home." You froze in place. Really? This was how it was going to be, really? You turned around to give that bastard a piece of your mind. At that point, you didn't care if he was sick in the hospital.

"I don't?!" You yelled.

He looked shocked at your sudden outburst. And you could tell that he didn't expect for this to happen. You were now as close as possible to the edge of the hospital bed in his face.

 "I care Sehun." You sternly said.

He looked at you with an annoyed face. He stared you down and when he realized you weren't going to back down he said. "Really? Then prove it." He hadn't known why he said it in that context but he did. It was just spur of the moment.

At this point, this was a now or never moment. You had No time to think and everyone knows what happens when you don't think. You react. And at that moment your reaction to his statement was...a kiss. 

You kissed him so hard and passionately that Sehun didn't know how to respond. But when he did. He didn't push you away, Instead, he grabbed you closer and he shoved his tongue in your mouth. It went on for At least a minute until you realised how out of hand you had gotten.

You covered your mouth with your hand. "Sehun, I'm sorry I didn't.." he had a shocked look on his face as well. He was just as surprised as you were. You started to tear up. You felt so guilty never in a million years was you supposed to let your feelings out like that and initiate a kiss.

None of you was drunk or high as a kite. Matter of fact you both were down on earth, both feet on the ground. So every feeling in that kiss was real. What was this? Did Sehun really truly speak his feelings last night. When you thought it was because he was high. Was it really that the truth had come out? Were you standing there and him sitting there in that bed, both of you staring at another shocked a result of the fact of the matter? What did matter? Other than your secret had may HAVE been reviled because of that stupid decision you just made. WHY DID YOU DO THAT?

"Ana, what was that?" He whispered. Still shocked. "I..." you didn't know what to say....what should you say in a situation like this? "Ana, why did this just happened?" You looked at him your eyes teared up. You tried to speak but it would come out. Sehun. StaIred at you. "Sehun I'm sorry I didn't mean for." He cut you off. "Ana did we really just kiss?" He said in disbelief. He was taking it kind of hard. He never thought he would enjoy that, or even think time enjoy that with his sister. 

The truth was he was in denial about you. "Sehun I have to confess this before I never do." You started shaking very violently. He looked at you as if he already knew what you were to say. "Something is wrong with me absolutely WRONG WITH ME ..don't know why or how or when it started it just happened." You said trying to look at Sehun through your tears but he was blurry to many tears was in the way. "And so I became distant. Because I thought it would be best if I went away, I didn't want to involve you in my problems. I thought that-"

"Ana what are you trying to say?!" Sehun became frustrated. You looked at him wiping your tears so you could see him clearly. "Sehun I love you." You said. He paused and his eyebrows knitted together.

(a/n: shawty gonna part to the sun down XD)

"Ana I love you too, you’re my s- "

"No Sehun like love. I'm IN love with you," you stated. 

Sehun face was something you could never forget even if you tried the way he looked at you when he finally realized what was really up -was unexplainable. He seemed slightly disgusted with you but his face changed rapidly to hide it.

It scared you as he looked at you with his mouth open in utter disbelief. He didn't understand how this could have happened. And why it was. He completely forgot he kissed you back moments before. But the news from this had blown that out the water.

"Sehun, I'm so sorry, I never meant to tell you. It was support to be a secret. This was my burden, not yours." And you just kept going on and on as Sehun looked at you differently, you were trying to do anything to get him to stop looking at you like that, anything to get him to understand your reasoning, " Sehun I tried so hard to stop, I slept with Kris because I wanted to trying and rid my feelings but it didn't work and the time before that I was trying to sleep with Luhan,"at this point you had broken down." But I couldn't he....he... reminded me of you and I felt like if I did sleep with him it wouldn't help it would only make me this it was you touching and kissing me and making love to me." You turned you back as you sobbed. You crouched down and held yourself to try and calm yourself but you just couldn't. You felt stupid. This was embarrassing.

"Ana...." Sehun finally spoke. "Come here.." But you ignored him. You didn't want him to look at you like that anymore. That look gave you a reason to get rid of yourself because of how disgusting you are. "Ana... "

You could hear movement and you shot up because he wasn't supposed. To get out of bed. "Sehun stop, sit still you just had surgery." You cried. He held out his hand. "Come here." Hesitantly, you grabbed his hand and he pulled you into a hug and he whispered." This is surprising to hear....but don't think I don't love you, Ana. You're my sister, WasI'll help you with whatever. All I know is I'm happy that you don't hate me."

You cried because what?

 Was he support to tell you he loved you also in the Same Were you thinking that kiss was something when it was nothing? Or how about this? Being rejected. Oh how everything hurts. What was supposed to happened he told you let's date, I wanna make love to you too? No Ana No. You should know better by now. Everything isn't always what it seems. And pain runs deeper than you think.

So you were delusional? Yes, very. To ever think he would give you a slightest chance. You weren't meant to be, only as brother and sister, and as a twin.  

Tragic.

---------------------------------------------

The present- sehuns pov

I have to admit I missed her. I mean I've always missed her, but being alone in this hospital bed without her by my side bothers me. I know I told her to leave but I didn't think she would actually do it. When she had confessed her feelings I didn't know  how to feel about it. It did bring me joy to know all this time she didn't hate me. But feeling more than actually brother sister love, was beyond me. We couldn’t do that that was forbidden.  But the way she cried out all her pain in front of me, her holding in this secret that she had kept from me since forever made me feel a certain way. I just could explain. And again it hurt my head to trty and think about it.

It was one thing to love her but to think about loving her in a different way scared me. How could I. It felt so wrong of me. Could I try Yes. Should I? No. Ah I just don't know anymore. But what I do know is I miss her. Wish she didn't leave. I just got her back, and it feels as if though she and I are even farther apart since our last encounter and I hate it. Mabey hating another was better. Maybe before she told me her true feelings was better. Because now we seemed worse off. So close yet so far away.

"So do you remember anything?" Finally she was here sitting in the chair she had slept in yesterday. She was engaging in conversation and I was glad, but I didn't want to talk about this.  

Yet.

Did I remember anything? Slightly. Would I tell her? No. I laughed nervously and scratched the top of my head.  "No and I'm glad. I probably said some f'ed up things huh?" Though I couldn't exactly remember -I was afraid. Afraid of what she might say. What exactly did I do and was it appropriate? I had a feeling That I might of did or said things I wouldn't normally Say.

She eyed me, trying to figure me out. Seeing if I was telling the truth or not. I eyed her back that uncomfortable silence creeping it way back in. She finally looked down, disappointed. And I sighed internally. It wasn't the answer she was looking for.

"Ana finally you're here." Our mother said. She gave a cold kind of presence towards Ana because she was blaming my actions all on her when clearly it wasn't her fault. It was all mine. My dad was on both sides. But overall he was just mad at the both of us equally, something my mom needed to learn.

Ana got up hugging our mother stiffly, but efficiently. She hugged dad more Warmer. "Ana I'm sorry." Was all my mom voiced out. Although you could tell she didn't want to do it.

Ana just bowed and came back to the chair in front of me still not giving direct contact. "Sehun we brought you food, so you don't have to continue eating this nasty hospital food. We brought you black bean noodles and bubble tea." Our mother said ignore Ana altogether. But Ana being lost in her thoughts didn't notice. Heck she didn't want to be here. Well it seemed that way Anyways.

"Sorry," Baekhyun who left came back. "Well Hi baek." My father's face lit up. He liked my best friend a lot. Probably because of how funny he is. "Hi Mr.Oh," he replied back. "We don't see you at the house anymore," my father continued. "I know I'm sorry, Sehun likes to come to mine and never let's me come to his." I had my reasons.

Ana continued to stay quiet and it was killing me. She was so distant. I rather be arguing than nothing at all.

"Well you should start coming around more again."my father told baekhyun. Baekhyun smiled."sure can do sir." Ana looked at Baekhyun and they exchanged glances. It was like they were communicating without words. And it pissed me off. Why? I don't know...

Yet.

***

My parents had went to work so that left me, Ana, and Baekhyun in this room that I was going to be discharged by tomorrow or the next.  

"You feeling better?" Baekhyun finally asked.  

I nodded a Yeah. Then he hit me."You dumb ass you scared the fuck out of me!" He was now standing furious." You're lucky I know CPR or your ass would be dead! What did I tell you."

Ana looked up finally and was alert, so I tried to change the subject. "So how was school without me?" Baekhyun looked at me in disbelief.

" You're asking me this, now?!" I flinched as he about hit me again.

"Yah." I yelped. "Micho-nom " he said cussing at me.

When he calmed down his phone rang. "Ahhhh shit," I knew exactly what he meant by that. His mother. "I'll be back." And as soon as he closed the door. Awkwardness suffocated us. I started at her as she looked down. I hated every bit and piece of this. Argue make snide comments do something! But she wouldn't, and I just about had enough.

"Ana why are you being this way towards me? " I finally asked. She looked up in panic. "Be like what." So she didn't know that she was acting a certain way? "You won't talk or do anything with me" These words they felt like Deja vu.  We were right at square one. I used to stress these Same exact  phrases before. "I'm sorry," was all she said. And then she continue to look down.

Ugh this was frustrating me. I couldn't take this. "We have to talk about this." And by this I meant her love for me." No I'm not talking about it I'm working on it." Working on it? What did that mean. "What do you mean?"  I asked. She looked away and I knew. " Ana don't, don't get with another guy please." But why did I say that? "Sehun I have to it the only way to fix my self!” i became outraged. “ANA NOTHING IS WRONG WITH YOU!” but wait was i accepting  her love then? if really was nothing wrong with her then could i love her back as in the way she wanted me too,  or was i jealous of this “other guy” not in a romantic way, but in a brotherly way?  

Fuck now everything was even more complicated. Now I had to think about my actions and if I meant them in different ways.

"Yes!  Sehun something is wrong with me I think all these bad things" she kept going and I got caught up on bad things. All these thoughts started going through my mind and by that point I had crossed the dark side.

Ana. Ana popped in my head that one time I seen her in her bra and underwear recently.  And I wanted to cut my dick off for the other thoughts. I might have not been in love with her like that, but this first thought of her in that way made me feel bad, and I understood Ana for a brief second even if this was the first encounter.  

"I think, and I think, and when I try to stop it just doesn't work Sehun, I don't know why. But I love you in a way I shouldn't, help me." She was still going. " Sehun I'm not asking for much, I'm not even asking for you to love me back. All I'm asking for is for you to keep your distance, I'm trying to get over this. I"

"Ana..I'm I..." I couldn't tell her. I couldn't..... "what?" She said as always this made her emotional and she was crying rivers. "Nothing." I couldn't say it I couldn't tell her I was struggling my way back to the top, that I was struggling for the air in my lungs before I reached suffocation. I Oh Sehun was as hard as a rock. I wanted Ana I wanted her, I didn't love her like this but my manhood had got the best of me. as always my second head had got the best of me. I probably looked like I was constipated by now as I had been betrayed by a part of me.

Ana looked at me she angrily wiped her tears." You don't know how much I want to...to die because of this. I bet you look at me differently. Huh? I'm disgusting aren't I Sehun? I'm sorry I'm like this She whipped her tears again. I didn't say anything because I couldn't. Because I was afraid of what I might say. And because a certain part of me was thinking of her.

When it shouldn’t have.

[dangerouslyinlovewithlaney]

Power Is An Illusion.

Power is a myth only influence exists. Incitement of fear is all "Power" truly is.

Manifest your DESTINY, believe YOU CAN achieve your goals, know where you wish to get to in life, remain determined, work hard, anything is possible, Wars, Disillusionment, economic difficulty, division none of these things will hold you back once you understand you WILL SUCCEED regardless of their negative INFLUENCE. It's all in the mind stop watching the propaganda machine the television or Netflix you don't need to be brainwashed you have all that it takes to succeed within you already, you just need to take the steps to succeed and you already know what they are. Embrace your own intellect, distance yourself from doubt it is a limiting force but you cannot be limited unless you choose to be. Your mind WILL think what and how you programme it to think.

negative people, doubters, haters, scumbags, ditch them all, you are only afraid because you have fallen out of the habit of thinking for yourself, YOU DO NOT NEED THEM, they have fed off you for far too long. They repeat limiting affirmations to your subconscious mind near constantly I bet you have started to catch yourself repeating negative self sabotaging thoughts to yourself lately, 

HUMANITY is not doomed, we are not more divided than ever, we are not desperately battling against the evil tide of debt others have piled up for us to pay back. We have validation, we have worth in this world, we are Men and we are Women with a lot to offer the world.

No more moping expecting  the world to apologise for inconveiniancing us with hardship because like it or not we have chosen our own hardship through the choices we have made for ourselves. 

I refuse to believe as some in my country do that whites and blacks are doomed  to conflict with each other, I refuse to believe as some do that our Indian brothers and sisters are our enemy or are a threat to us. The days are upon us all to accept each other's right to exist regardless of whether we feel disgust, hate, envy or bitterness in each other's company.

I experimented by making friends with people I hated, pretty soon I realised I didn't hate them at all I was reluctant to confront things about myself I would rather have ignored. Now that I have faced up to these things I am all the better for it. 

Accept the LIMITLESS, ENDLESS possibilities of an ever expanding, growing Universe remembering "As it is in Heaven so it is on Earth" - (which I choose to interpret as: the Universe expanding=your mind expanding, growing, learning, accepting, evolving, becoming, or in a word POTENTIAL. Never forget your own POTENTIAL!!!. 

AGE, BACKGROUND, RACE, ETHNICITY, COLOUR/COLOR, PHYSICALITY, MENTAL ACQUITY, SPEED. 

NONE OF THESE THINGS MATTER IN THE SLIGHTEST. YOU WILL SUCCEED FEEL YOUR OWN ENERGY AS YOU MEDITATE. YOU WILL ACHIEVE, YOU WILL THRIVE, YOU WILL ACQUIRE KNOWLEDGE, YOU WILL GIVE ADVICE TO PEOPLE, YOU WILL GROW CONFIDENT, YOU WILL LEAD YOUR PEOPLE, YOU WILL CONTRIBUTE FAR MORE THAN YOU CONSUMED, YOU WILL HELP TO HEAL YOUR BROKEN TRIBE LEADING A LIFE OF EXAMPLE. YOU WILL SUCEED.

I HAVE MET MANY POOR PEOPLE WHO WORKED FOR THEIR ENTIRS LIVES TO PROVIDED FOR FAMILY, ONLY TO DROP DEAD FROM STRESS, SMOKING AND OVER WORKING AT THE AGE OF SIXTY FIVE, BREAKING ALL OF OUR HEARTS, THEY SHOULD HAVE BEEN RETIRING, INSTEAD THEIR LOVED ONES HAD TO BURY THEM. IT IS TOO LATE FOR  THEM TO MAKE CHANGES.

YOU CAN STILL CEASE TO SMOKE. I KNOW YOU CAN BECAUSE I HAVE DONE SO, FOR 3 YEARS NOW I HAVE BEEN A NON SMOKER. IF  YOU ONLY ACCEPT THE TRUTH. "IT WILL BE DIFFICULT, IT WILL BE PAINFUL, FOR AROUND TWO WEEKS I WILL FEEL SIGNIFICANT DISCOMFORT. THIS I SUFFER GLADLY FOR AFTER THESE WEEKS I SHALL BE FREE OF MY SUICIDAL HABIT, I SHALL BE REDUCING MY RISK OF ILLNESS DRAMATICALLY, I SHALL BE HEALTHIER, I WILL LIVE LONGER, I WILL PLAY WITH MY OWN GRANDCHILDREN, I WILL SEE THE JOY ON THEIR LITTLE FACES AT MY COMPANY. BUT ONLY IF YOU ACCEPT THE PAIN FOR NOW!

I WORKED AT A JOB I HATED FOR TWO YEARS, I RECEIVED MY FULL EMPLOYMENT RIGHTS, I SAVED A LITTLE I CONTRIBUTED A FAIR AMOUNT TO MY HOUSEHOLD, AFTER LUNCH, TRAVEL AND ENTERTAINMENT I USED THE 'REMAINDER TO GAMBLE ON THE SPORTS, I QUICKLY WON THOUSANDS, I QUICKLY LOST THOUSANDS, I BECAME MOROSE, DEPRESSED, I DID  NOT STOP GAMBLING, I HAD A GOAL IN MIND, I WANTED TO WIN ENOUGH TO BUY A PROPERTY TO RENT OUT FOR A STEADY INCOME. I VISUALISED IT EVERY DAY FOR THOSE TWO YEARS, IN THE LAST THREE MONTHS I MADE TWO BETS WITH ALL OF MY THOUSANDS OF WINNINGS IN QUICK SUCCESSION ON THE SAME EVENING, I ACHIEVED MY GOAL, I HAVE A RENTAL PROPERTY.

I STAYED AT THAT JOB FOR ANOTHER 4 YEARS, I WAS TOLD I WAS MORE FOCUSED, DRIVEN, RELAXED, APPROACHABLE, SENSIBLE, CALM, AND RELIABLE AFTER I HAD WON.

I NEVER TOLD A SOUL ABOUT MY WINNINGS, I FOUND I DID NOT HATE THE JOB RATHER I HATED MY OWN SUFFERING, ONCE I REALISED THIS IT BECAME A MATTER OF IMPORTANCE FOR ME TO ADJUST MY SUFFERING, OR RATHER MY REACTION TO MY SUFFERING, GAMBLING WAS A DESPERATE ACT BUT IT SET ME FREE FROM MYSELF. I NO LONGER WISHED TO DIE OR KILL OR HARM OTHERS BECAUSE OF MY SUFFERING.

I HATED WORKING AT A "MEANINGLESS" JOB FOR "PITTANCE" FULL TIME WITHOUT ANY CAREER PLANS BECAUSE I COULDN'T SEE PAST MY OWN BITTERNESS. 

IF YOU ARE STRUGGLING WITH THE EARLY ONSET OF THESE POISONOUS THOUGHTS WHICH SEEK TO BETRAY YOUR SOVEREIGNTY OVER THINE OWN LIFE, THEN  BESEECH YOU FRIEND'S ONE AND ALL SEEK THE COUNSEL OF YOUR GUIDE. YOUR PRIEST, YOUR COMPANION, YOUR LOVEX ONES, YOUR STRAIGHT TALKING COLLEAGUE, 

DO NOT HIDE PATHETICALLY BEHIND FALSE EMPATHY FOR THE OTHERS "OH I WOULDN'T WANT TO BE BURDENSOME" OR "I CANNOT WORRY MY FAMILY"  - THIS IS THE COWARDS WAY - YOUR FAMILY WILL WORRY FAR MORE AT WHAT YOU KEEP FROM THEM THAN WHAT YOU TELL THEM.

THE MIND HAS A TERRIBLE HABIT OF FILLING IN THE GAPS WITH THE WORST CASE SCENARIOS. BE HONEST BE BRAVE BE RIGHTEOUS AND YOU SHALL NOT GO FAR WRONG. DEFEND YOUR BELIEF' S DEFEND BOTH THE RIGHTS OF YOUR LOVED ONES/FAMILY/FRIENDS/NEIGHBOUR'S AND YOUR OWN, ALONG WITH KEEPING YOUR ACTIONS WITHIN THE PARAMETERS YOU CHOOSE IN ORDER TO MAINTAIN YOUR SENSE OF ACHIEVMENT, PRODUCTIVITY. IF YOU FEEL STABBING A MAN TO DEFEND YOUR DIGNITY IS IN ORDER THEN I WOULD REMIND YOU THERE ARE VERY FEW INSULTS WORTH 30YEARS IN PRISON, BUT YOU WILL UNDOUBTEDLY DO AS YOU FEEL YOU MUST. I WOULD ALSO REMIND YOU EMPATHY IS A DOUBLE EDGED SWORD WIELD IT WITH CARE. TRUST THOSE WHOM SHOW WILLING AND NO-ONE ELSE NOT THOSE WHO SEE YOU SOLELY AS SOMEONE FROM WHOM TO EXTRACT GOODIES NOR THOSE WHOM FEIGN FRIENDSHIP FOR THE SUNNY DAYS BUT WHO'S BLADES REMAIN BLOODLESS ON THE FIELD OF BATTLE AS YOU AND YOUR KINSMEN BLEED AND KILL FOR THE CAUSE. - TRUST NOT A COWARD FOR THERE IS ONLY ONE THING A COWARD CAN BE TRUSTED FOR AND IT IS COWARDICE. HEAVEN AWAITS THOSE WHOM TRULY BELIEVE IN OUR HEAVENLY NEVER TO BE FORGOTTEN GOD'S ONLY BEGOTTEN SON JESUS CHRIST PREACHED FORGIVNESS, THIS IS NOT ALWAYS POSSIBLE IN THE REALMS OF MEN, TURN THE OTHER CHEEK WHEN YOU CAN, BE RUTHLESS WITH THOSE BASTARDS WHOM WOULD MURDER YOU IN YOUR SLEEP IF THEY COULD. YOUR DUTY IS TO LIVE, BE STRONG, BE RIGHTUOUS SETTING AS GOOD AN EXAMPLE AS CAN BE SET FOR YOUR KINSMEN. 

DON'T FORGET WE ARE ALL KINGS OF OUR OWN MINDS. WE SHOULD TAKE CARE OF OURSELVES WITH RESPECT AND DIGNITY BEFITTING A KING.

LADIES YOU ARE QUEEN' S OF YOUR OWN MINDS, AS MODERN INDEPENDENT WOMEN YOU ARE PRIVILEDGED FAR BEYOND THE WOMEN OF EARLIER TIMES I SEE YOU ARE BEING FED DISSENSION AND DISATISFACTION OF YOUR MEN'S EFFORTS TO PLEASE YOU DEAREST QUEEN' S AND ALTHOUGH THE EFFORTS OF MEN MAY LEAVE MUCH TO BE DESIRED IN THESE TRYING TIMES OF ECONOMIC DISPARITIES, AGE OF DEPRESSION ANXIETY AND LONELINESS, I ENCOURAGE YOU TO LOOK WITHIN YOURSELVES AND DEVELOP FOR YOURSELF A PASSION FOR DOING THAT WHICH WILL LEND YOU PAITENCE, UNDERSTANDING AND TOLERANCE OF MAN'S FLAWS AS THIS WILL NO DOUBT BE OF GREAT ASSISTANCE TO YOU IN THE YEARS TO COME. 

WE SHALL PREVAIL AGAINST CLIMATE CHANGE, WE SHALL PERSEVERE AGAINST THE VOICES OF DISSENSION TELLING US WE ARE FAILING TO HONOUR EACH OTHER ADEQUATELY, WHICH WE ARE NO DOUBT GUILTY OF BUT THEIR MESSAGE IS CONDEMNING NASTY, VINDICTIVE AND OPENLY OPORTUNISTIC AT TIMES.

WE WILL DISCOVER THE SECRETS WE NEED TO KNOW IN ORDER TO SURVIVE BUT REMEMBER YOU SHALL NEED EACH OTHER TO MAINTAIN ORDER WHEN SOCIETY'S LEADERS BECOME DESPERATE TO MAINTAIN THE ILLUSION OF CONTROL, THEY ONLY EVER HAD INFLUENCE, SELF DELUSION COMES WITH AN ARROGANCE WHICH CAN OFT HUMBLE A MAN MOST GROSSLY. IT IS AT TIMES LIKE THIS YOU MUST REMEMBER YOUR SOVEREIGNTY NONE MAY TAKE FROM YOU YOUR REPUTATION NOR YOUR IDENTITY, CRUELTY WILL HURT AND WOUND YOU DEEPLY BUT IT WILL NEVER BREAK YOU, CORRUPTION CAN DISTRACT AND DISORIENTATE YOU BUT IT CANNOT BREAK YOU, LOYALTY, COURAGE, LOVE, HONOUR, INTEGRITY ALONG WITH HOPE FOR A BETTER AGE ARE ALL INTEGRAL TO THE SURVIVAL OF OUR PEOPLE, PEACEABLE MEANS FOR PEACEABLE FOLK, WAR FOR ALL OTHERS, WE ARE NOT LAMBS, WE WOLVES CARRY HEAVY BURDENS OF SINS, IT IS NOT FOR GOD OR JESUS TO BADE US PUT THEM DOWN IT IS ALL WITHIN OUR POWER TO FORGIVE OURSELVES AND TRANSCEND TO HEAVEN, HELL WAS COMFORTING FOR THE LOST AND BEWILDERED,

WE ARE FOUND BROTHERS AND SISTERS WE ARE HEALED OF THE TORMENTS OF OUR SINS WE HAVE FOUND  THE WISDOM TO FORGIVE OURSELVES AND HEAL OURSELVES, WE ARE SET FREE FROM THE BONDS OF SIN AND IT'S SNEAKY COUSIN GUILT.

TOGETHER WE SHALL BE RIGHTEOUS TOGETHER  WE SHALL FIX THIS BROKEN SOCIETY, TOGETHER WE WILL MINDFULLY KEEP BALANCE ON EARTH WITHING NATURE'S LAWS.

GOODLY TIMES AWAIT TAKE HEART TAKE CHEER TAKE LIFE EXTENSION MEDICATION AND LIVE WITH HONOUR AND DIGNITY, THERE ARE MANY WHO WOULD STEAL AWAY YOUR LAST GRAIN OF HOPE JUST TO WATCH YOU SUFFER TOO SO  THEY DID NOT FEEL SO ALONE.

USE WISDOM WHEN ASSESSING YOUR LONG TERM COMPANIONS, IF THEY NEED YOU THE RELATIONSHIP IS NOT EQUAL, IF YOU NEED THEM - REMEDY THE SITUATION QUICKLY, IF YOU INSTILL IN THE MEN A SENSE OF DUTY A SENSE OF JOINT PURPOSE OF BROTHERHOOD THEY ARE MORE LIKELY TO REMAIN LOYAL TO YOU. 

YOURS SINCERLY WOLFIE.