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popculturebuffet · 3 years

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Pride Month: Queer Duck The Movie or Eh At Least I’m Not Praying For Death This Time (Commission for WeirdKev27)

Hello All You Happy People, and welcome back to my blog’s celebration of Pride Month! And welcome back to my second and thankfully final part of my Queer Duck Duckololgy.

Those of you just joining us, to quote a wonderful irishman who just hit 100 episodes, let’s get yo up to speed: Queer Duck was a crudley made flash web series created by Mike Reiss, former Simpsons writers responsible for the Bleeding Gums Murphy Episodes:

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And co-creating the series “The Critic” with co-creator and writing partner Al Jean. That series ended up getting canceled after a season, moving to fox ,and getting canceled again despite a Simpsons lead in and a crossover episode that’s still one of my faviorite simpsons episodes. Fox proceded to hold up the show to prevent another network picking it up because they were dickkkksss.

So naturally Reiss was a bit fed up with traditional models and wanted to see wha the could do with a smaller team, a lower budget and an internet distrbution, hooking up with early internet outfit Icebox.com, and creating two shows: Hard Drinking LIncoln which sadly isn’t about Teddy Rosevelt traveling back in time to give Abe Lincoln an intervention then fight crimes, and this one Queer Duck.

Now in Modern Day creators have made a great go of it breaking from the usual distribution models and going their own way: MST3K is currently making a go of releasing episodes themselves after a run at Netflix with the Gizmoplex and one of the best animated series of this year in my opinon is Helluva Boss, which is produced independently and released via YouTube, yet has gorgeous animation and an all star cast including such big gets as Richard Steven Horvitz, Cristina Vee, Alex Brightman and Norman Reedus. It also has one of the most iconic scenes in animation history:

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Brandon Rogers may not be a big name but god is he glorious. Anyway point is what Reiss dreamed... is valid and the fact he was able to pull off a hit show with only three minutes of air time, ALSO get pretty big names involved (Ru Paul, whose only gotten BIGGER thanks to Drag Race did the theme, and voice acting legends Kevin Micheal Richardson, Billy West and Maurice LaMarche all did voices for it as did Jim J Bullock), get it on Showtime and get a movie greenlit, DTV or not. All in 2000 with the budget of a piece of string. He also made Queer Duck because he wanted to make a show laughing with Queer People instead of at them, a noble gesture.

Thing was... Queer Duck The Series REALLY sucks. Even by the standards of the time i’ts regressive painting all gay people as promiscious drug loving sterotypes.

It also wasn’t funny even for the standards of the time. Instead of relying on Reiss’ rapid fire humor that made the Simpsons and Critic under his showrunning great he relied on jokes that amounted to

Not really leaning into the format and instead sticking to network standards despite not having one, as well as TRYING to make jokes out of inherently unfunny topics like Parents not accepting their child is gay, Gay Conversion Therapy, and “I don’t want to get married to my partner because I want to keep having sex with other people but am going to marry him anyway after my vows consisted entirely of loop holes to have sex with other people”. Yes that really was an episode. Given the very show Reiss had left , the Simpsons had done a VERY good episode bashing Homophobia featuring John Waters, and still managed to have fun with gay stertoypes without making me pray for death but death won’t come with the gay steelmill scene, Reiss had no excuse for how bad, uninetionally homophobic and trite this series was even for 2000.

You can find the full review HERE. It was a chore to sit through and was comissioned by my finacial backer turned good buddy whose also still comissioning reviews from me, WeirdKev27. If you’d liked to comission reviews from me just hit me up in my inbox, prices are on my blog.

So naturally he wanted me to cover both things and my reaction after wasting 60 minutes of my life on the web series to having to waste 90 MINUTES of my life on the movie was. exactly what your expecting.

But I still had SOME small hope. The series biggest issue was it didn’t have the room for jokes that Reiss other shows had, so maybe with more space and a good 6 years since h’d come up with the concept Reiss would do better. Would he redeem himself or sink further? To find that out join me under the cut for another round of Queer Duck. Will it be better? Eh either way i’m FREEEEEEEEE FREEEEEEE after this so eh.

Production Stuff:

I couldn’t find much on the making of the film. There was a making of feature on the DVD, but I watched this on Crackle instead so yeah. Out of luck there. The most I could find was on Wikipedia: the film was unsuprisingly originaly set for Showtime, which aired the shorts after Queer as Folk. But Showtime later backed out as they stopped producing gay content because the 2000′s were very stupid, and thus Icebox picked up full production. As a result teh Film’s animation is still cheap as all hell.. .but more fluid than the web shorts, if only by a smidge. The movie ended up going straight, pun untineded, to DVD, but did air on Logo soon after. So with that being all I got, I did genuinely try my best there just wasn’t a lot on this movie, shocking I know, let’s get into the movie shall we.

MY EYES:

We open with ... the Queer Duck Opening from the web series.

I thought I was rid of this thing but nope... and if your wondering why this is an issue: 1) They barely change it and don’t even make a super special version of it they just literally use the opening from the series again and 2) I watched 20 episodes of the show in a row. The theme is wedged in my skull it did not need a refresher.

We do get a specail bit introducing Queer Ducks friends as they party: QD, his partner Openly Gator, Paul Linde knockoff Bi-Polar Bear and saving grace of the original show Oscar Wildcat. We also get UTTERLY obnoxious flashing lights during this bit. Like HOLY SHIT...

What was WITH the 2000′s and flashing lights? It wasn’t like Seizures or epilpsy werent known. The Electric Soldier Porygon Incident was a well known thing even back then.

Anyways the next day Queer Duck wakes up with Openly Gator and goes about his what i’m presuming is sunday given he works the next day: he finds two Pandas under the couch, who are gay pandas.. and speak with sterotypically chinese accents.

Theres no excuse for this even back then. I mean its not as bad as the OTHER Icebox show they tried to give a movie, Mr Wong which had a buck toothed sterotypical chinese man as it’s lead. But it’s still just.. no. Chinese people deserve better, Asian people in general deserve better, and you can DO better. I know the simpsons and the critic didn’t escape this, nor did their crossover episode but come the fuck on.

So Queer Duck turns on the tv and finds it centering on Reverend VanGelderling, voiced by Jeff Bennet. Who while i’ve heard him in things genuinely didn’t recognize at first and it took me a bit, as the voice he was using sounded familliar.. and then it hit me....

YUP. Jeff is using his Johnny Bravo voice. Like i’ts SLIGHTLY less Elvis but it’s still noticable. And the show had only ended four years before this: It HAD adult fans along with the kids. Did.. did he think no one would notice? Was he trying to see if anyone would notice? Was he just trying to see if he could use the voice in other contexts?

He is good here though. VanGelderling is naturally our bad guy, talking to a dog he “””””””Cured””””””””. Val Gelderling is a hold over from the shorts, having shown up for one episode to try and convert Queer Duck , as is the dog he “””””””””””””””””””””””””””””””””””””cured””””””””””””””””””””””””””””””””””””””””””””””””””””””””””””””Queer Duck responds how you should to a bigot like that: by calling in to troll his ass, playing someone with tourettes and using it as an excuse to call Johnny No Homo what he is: a bigot, a fraud, an asshole etc> It’s not a bad bit honestly and were the series more of this and less spending an entire short talking about how santa claus is gay, maybe I wouldn’t of done this to my eyes.

QD then sees an advertisment for Happy Land, a homophobic amusment park and decides to troll them by declaring it a “Gay Day at Happyland”. First off, as I said the series should’ve been more of THIS: Queer Duck getting into Daffy or Donald type shenanigans against homophobes. It would’ve fit Reiss style of hu mor and been way more intresting than 80 dozen gay jokes.

Second Gay Day is a real event done at Disney every year with tons of LBGTQ+ people showing up every year from 1991 to present day. Seriously the year I was born was awesome: We got sonic that year and now I find out we got Gay Day at Disney Land too. It’s unofficial because as we’ve well established on this blog Disney is either only for gay rights if a creator fights tooth and nail to get them in their show or like most corpos they put on a show for Pride month.. which then gets wholly mocked by one of their most famous creators whose currently in a relationship with said creator that fought to get a queer romance on the air:

It’s been almost a month since he did that and I will NEVER not find that amazing.

But yeah we get a song which is okay., though honestly most of the songs in this movie are REALLY good. And OF COURSE this is a musical, you think Mike would miss that stereotype about gay people: his main character is promscious, has a lisp, loves drinking, drugs, partying, musical theater, and sucks at sports. Why WOULD he start portraying Gay People with Subtley NOW.

The songs do help inject some energy into this though. So after a song about everyone being gay SHOCKINGLY the openly homophobic amusment park that Queer Duck was specifically trolling dosen’t let them in.

So this kicks off Queer Duck’s arc for the movie: he starts to question his sexuality because of all the difficulty that comes with being out and proud. The IDEA isn’t bad: Queer Duck either wanting to present as straight enough so he can be accepted or finding he might be bi instead are not bad plots apart or together. I thought I was straight for most of my life and was in denial for some time. It takes time to figure out who you are and being an adult dosne’t automatically make things easier or mean you stop growing or discovering yourself and being queer IS hard when a good chunk of the world hates you for how you were born and assumes it’s a “choice”. And being bi or pan CAN have issues. I thankfully haven’t run into those, but in media alone the same year Queer Duck debuted, we had the Sex and the City Episode “Boy Girl Boy Girl” where it treated being bisexual as “a stopover on the way to gay town”. An actual line someone wrote and treate dit as some trendy thing kids did instead of you know, my fucking identity. A lot of queer people are assholes who assume just what that show did: that your not REALLY bi your just gay and saying you are or straight and saying you like men. It’d be intresting to explore that.

This movie dosen’t do that though because it dosen’t know bi people exist. As for struggles... Queer Duck tried to go to a theme park he was WARNED was homophobic specifically to make a statment. While being denied service or tossed out for being gay is a good catalyst the way they set it up just.. dosen’t work. They don’t spend enough time on his emotinos over the incident or portray it properly, have him crestfallen that for once he DIDN’T win out in the end like the universe should go and lost simpl ybecause smoene’s homophobic and society favors THEM. The IDEA, Queer Duck gets rejected just for being queer is good: rejection by the world for the crime of being who you are is just the reality the entire LBGTQ+ spectrum faces, a risk you take every time you put yourself out there and tell someone who you are, a risk damn worth fighting for and a truth damn worth living. It’s just the execution dosen’t match: it tries to paint queer duck as someone who dosen’t realize how bad things are or is just TIRED of it.. seconds after he effortlesly trolled a homophobe and the thing that set this off was in itself a plan to get back at homophobes that simply didn’t pan out. Given all the horrors, rejections and shit Queer people face and STILL face this .. just isn’t enough. I’m not asking for it to go in the oppositie direction, for him to be chased by a pack of dogs or to fight the Klan (again), i’m just asking for a bit of realisim, something that even in a work like this isn’t much to ask for: the simpsons and jay sherman both lived in a cartoony as hell, bizzare world.. but they FELT real. It’s not much to ask that Queer Duck also feel like a real person. It really isn’t and what holds this film and held the series back is that Mike just dosen’t seem to get how to elevate him beyond HE’S GAYYYY.

Smile Ya Bastards Smile:

The next day our heroes go to work. And since I forgot to mention their jobs and it frankly would’ve fit more to introduce those jobs in this section of the movie anyway, let’s start with Bi-Polar Bear and Oscar Wildecat, who were introduced at work before the happyland stuff. Bi-Polar Bear works at a perfume counter, is laughed at by his boss for wanting to be on the baseball team, a dream he’s always had since he was a kid, passed over for Little Steven Hawking and Little Stevie Wonder.. who were born 8 years apart but eh, it’s a joke about one being blind and the other being in a wheelchair with a crippling disease. I’m not expecting high art.. or good taste. or anything. Point is Bi-Polar Bear wants to play baseball. He’s not in this movie much and even comments on it. Here are my thoughts on that:

Out of the main 4 he was easily the worst character in the original shorts, he has no personality other than Paul Lynde imperession and the name shows off how Reiss really dosen’t get that Bi People exist. He knows the TERM exists, but he doen’t get it. I’m not sad this character is BARELY in the movie in favor of the two characters with actual plot relevance and comedic timing.

Onto my boy Oscar Wildecat. He’s actually been upgraded as in the shorts his only real personality trait was “wants to commit matricide” which, thanks to being played by Maurice LaMarche, somehow worked. Well apparently he finally killed her and got away with it because it never comes up in the movie, but he not only gets an intresting arc we’ll get to later, but is funny as ever even without his main gimmick, getting some of the best lines and getting a great throaway gag to play him in as he runs a Shirley Temple memrobilia shop> While that itself isn’t funny, the fact he has the ACTUAL Shirely boxed up like a doll is and this exchange brings it over the top

Shirley: Hey mister.. I can’t breathe Oscar: Quiet you.

Back to the present of the movie: Openly Gator works at a TGIFridays type restraunt. God I fucking miss TGIFridays. Not going to lie. It’s still around just not in my area anymore. It was one of my faviorite places and it was still great when I visited it on vacation. But Gator hates it and is rude to customers waiting for his big break. He also meets Conan O’Brien which kicks off a decent enough gag where Conan ends up unluckily being Gator’s customer over and over despite Gator prioritizing his own needs. Gator even calls conan up for help at one point because he has no one else to turn to, and Conan indulges him because while he is on show his guest is carrot top, whose drawn as some sort of monstrosity.. in other words they nailed it, flawless no notes. Conan is played by himself and is clearly game for this, god bless that man. Late Night will not be the same without you my sweet ginger prince.

So finally we get Queer Duck who spends more time as a Male Nurse in this film than the entreity of the web series despite it being in the title, being depressed. It’s here he meets Lola Buzzard, played by Jackie Hoffman, a stage actress i’d never heard of before this, but who does a REALLY good job and a hilarious performance. Lola is an over the hill actress who soon bonds with our hero and the two perform a great number “Smile Ya Bastards Smile” where the two cheer up the ward and Lola cheers up a morose Queer duck and charms him.

Lola is smitten with our hero and asks him to spend the day with her. We meet her driver, butler, chalet and ex husband (Twice over) , Peccary, a pig played by TIM. CURRY.

Mymymymymymy how have we gone over a YEAR on this blog without Tim Curry showing up. The man is a legend in voice acting, acting and ...

The man is a fucking delight and the fact he HASN’T come up more on this blog, let alone at all as a voice actor till now is a fucking tragedy. The man is a genius and he’s no less good here as the poor put upon pig. The man also has the second sexiest voice in the world just behind Keith David. I don’t thirst over the man the way I do keith but lord do I respect the man as much, and when I say I respect someone as much as Keith David what i’m saying is I have the utmost repsect for them as an actor, legend of screen, and person.

Anyways, the two hang out, enjoy each other’s company, we also get a really fun beauty and the beast bit, and Queer duck is now into Lola.. emotinally at least. He’s still gay as a goose and ready to gander, but he’s conflicted now. He withdraws a bit from Openly Gator and Gator figures things out quickley. Lola however dosen’t notice his anmosity and invites the two to a broadway show, with comments on how Broadway’s gotten really gay, and wishes she coudl go back there but wonders if a bunch of gay men would really listen to an old industry legend spill the tea on b-listers she dealt with. Given one of the best shows this year has been Hacks, which is about a beloved industry vetran kiling it on vegas and getting encouraged to change up her act by her young, dosen’t want to be here in the slightest protege, and stars screne Legend Jean Smart. Yeahhh.

And Queer Duck proves this right as some time later, how much exactly?

Lola has become a hit with her show still ain’t dead, with QD taking his friends to the premiere and we get a decent musical number. Not very memorable but not bad.

A Normal Life:

Lola then drops a bombshell the next night and asks Queer Duck to marry her, knowing he’s gay and not carring. He makes her happy. She does give him a card for a conversion therapy guy which....

Yeah it makes her less sympathetic.... and feels out of character given she dosen’t seem to give a shit her possible husband is gay. So why give him this? It dosen’t make a ton of sense and feels like a lazy way to bring our main antagonist into the plot.

But Queer Duck is conlifcted and Oscar notices the next night at the gay bar. When Queer Duck explains his situation Oscar.. suprisingly relates. Turns out he also had a moment of doubt years ago: back then it being the 50′s gay bars weren’t exactly a thing and had to be kept underground to avoid literal gay bashing. Just ask poor Huckleberry Hound Sr. No seriously i’m not making this up for a gag, theirs an alternate unvierse comic focusing on Snagglepuss as an Oscar Wilde style play right dealing with the mcarthy hearings and featuring a violetnly closted Quickdraw McGraw too. It’s REALLY good.

Point is he was at one of these clubs when he fell for a woman whose part of a trio of singers who sing about loosing a guy because he maasturbates too much.

I have no response to that. They hit it off but the club was raided and Oscar never found her and encourages QD to go for it.

So Queer Duck breaks up with Openly Gator.. by announcing his engagment.

And OG is a trooper here taking it, just wanting him to be happy even if he’s miserable, depsite the fact Queer Duck was a pure uncut ass here abandoning his partner without a proper breakup and basically telling him “So yeah i’m dating a woman now sucks to be you”.

So we then get the most obnoxious scene in the film, as Queer Duck tells his parents and Lebsian Sister he’s getting married to a woman. We do get a nice visual gag as said sister has brought her girlfriend with her whose a beaver. Is it a very clever gag? no. But they don’t bring it up so it ends up landing a bit as a subtle pun... not subtle though is her eating carpet... which is a nod to a certain slur against lebsians.

That’s SUPRISINGLY not what makes it obnoxious. It dosen’t help but no the obnoxious part is his parents CELEBRATING.. to an annoying farty version of the queer duck theme. We just here it AGAIN AND AGAIN AND AGAIN until i’m driven mad.. for the second time with this friggin franchise. I’m not bringing the Ash gif back though this dosen’t deserve it.

Queer Duck goes to see the conversion guy who turns out to be the Reverend. Me I prefer my reverends welcoming to all folks and transparently gay like they do up in canada.

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Anyway the Reverend tries takling Queer Duck back in time to see WHEN he started having Gay Thoughts. We get him as a sperm hitting on a bigger sperm that’s techincally his brother because fuck it at this point, and then a repeat of a gag from the series where he hatches saying he’s gay and his parents are in clear denial.

We then get the best song in the movie, a riff on the Major General Song from HMS Pentafore.. and not without reasons as Queer Duck fully realizes he was gay as a young lad seeing those bulges on the sailors, and it’s just a damn fun number, with both Bennet and Bullock just going for it. We also get an alternate version of his coming out, this time at his bar mitsfa. So the Reverend tries a clock work oranging Queer Duck, but it fails utterly as you’d expect. It’s something I LIKE: the Reverend’s methods really DON’T work, at worst they just brow beat into someone gay into living a lie about themselves and feeling what’s natural for them is wrong and evil. Conversion therapy like in real life is just tourture and gaslighting, pure and simple and while the movie dosen’t show it as horrific ENOUGh for my taste, it never paints it as anything BUT that, hence the clockwork orange analogy of using tourture to try and change him via an electroshock chair: it’s really what conversion therapy IS and i’ts an utter travesty it hasn’t been banned. I know i’m preaching to the choir here but it’s not like ti’s not worth saying. But it fails and Queer Duck goes to his wedding anyway. See what I meant about this feeling forced?

Johnny Bronco Does a Kidnappin:

So then it’s time for the wedding,. We get some awkard refrence humor... something tha’ts not sadly new to this series as the Critic would endulge in this from time to time too, though most of it’s jokes were designed to simply be funny on their own. And sometimes you’d get jokes about Woody Allen and Soon-Yi and Roseanne and Tom Arnold, though for the record Woody Allen is a rapist, a pedophile and abuser and deserves to burn the fuck in hell and Roseanne Barr is a racist abrasive trump suporter. They arne’t good people, it’s just the jokes were about Woody dating someone way yougner than him, and Roseanne being obnoxious. It’s not exactly the kind of joke that dates well is what i’m saying. I mean again Roseanne IS OBNOXIOUS but she’s proved to be far WORSE than obnoxious in old age and at the time as we’d find out from Gilmore Girls Creator Amy Sherman Paladino, she used to NUMBER her writers because she didn’t like them getting egos. Yes really. ASP even used it for a bit on Gilmore girls to show that Paris was going mad with power.

Point is jokes about MIcheal Jackson have not aged well nor have jokes about Rosie O Donnel. I just.. I got nothing their as trite and unfunny as you’d expect. So while all this is going on Openly Gator is convinced to go chase after Queer Duck graduate style and Queer Duck himself.. is drugged and kidnapped by the reverend.

Yeah the Reverend kidnaps him.. which begs the question why not just have him kidnap queer duck BEFORE over the phone calls, it not work and kidnap him again out of frustration of his therapy not working? It makes more sense. But this time he tries a potion to turn Queer Duck straight, something that WORKS and.. god i’ts cringe inducing. For one even if it’s temproraary a potion turning a gay person straight is just.. concernated nope. But it dosen’t help their version of straight: is a bro who wants to oggle every woman, acts like an ass and calls OG a homo. It’s just more awful sterotyping and while not as odious as this franchises usual gay sterotyping, it’s still pretty fucking bad and toxic to say all men are like this when we’re not. I’m horny as shit, I own that, but it’s not because I like women. I’m just lonely. Everyone is diffrent and this movie can fuck off with this.

So Straight Duck beds Lola, and we do get some funny bits with there bein ga ton of stairs, an elevator and what not, before they finally do the deed... only for her to die. Yup that happened.

So Queer Duck genuinely mourns over her death and is upset, even more so because he’s trapped as a straight man and miserable about it. Even a huge swerve dosen’t help: he finds out Lola left everything to him.. and dosen’t care. It’s like I siad, in his old self he may not have been attracted to her, but he LOVED her and this hurts.

Pickering comes to the rescue though. Realizing QD wasn’t a gold digging asshat and genuinely loved Lola just like he had once, he helps QD get his Queer back with the power of barbra streisand, who helps him realize he can’t chagne who he is. It’s a nice message: no amount of bullshit or lies can change who you are. And who he is is gay. We then get a song about him wanting to bang every dude around because fuck this series. He TRIES getting openley gator back but OG rightfully rejects him because fuck him.

Fairyland:

Queer Duck is naturally sad again, but Pickering encourages him to enjoy himself: He’s rich now, he can do whatever he wants. So Queer Duck’s first order of buisness.. is to rub it in the Reverend’s face... and bring some cops along since Gelderling naturally rants he’ll “drug and kidnap him as many times as it takes”.

After that we get a riff on the queer eye guys as Queer Duck tries to have them redecorate and after doing it himself iwth PIckering, who he treats way better than Lola ever did and thus earns his loyalty, it’s really sweet, hangs iwth his boys.

He gives both whatever they always wnated to make up for neglecting them. We do get a nice self dig as Bi Polar Bear wants more screentime, and Queer Duck offers him more in the sequel, which naturally did not happen.

But Oscar’s wish does get fufilled: his own antiques roadshow style show where the first person he interviews is the dog the Reverend seemingly ‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘

“‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘CURED”‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘

He’s voiced by Andy Dick who SHOCKINGLY never showed up on the Critic... because it was headlined by John Lovtiz.. who rightfully haded that mop topped bastard as he helped get Phil Hartman’s wife back into drugs, a spiral that eventaully lead to her killing the both of them. Lovitz was a good friend of Phil and after too much shit from Andy beat the everyloving shit out of him. I will ALWAYS treasure that story.

But unsuprisingly the Dog turns out to be the woman Oscar loved, he was a REALLY good drag queen and they have a live sex celebration on air.

Given the baseball setup, Bi-Polar bear gets his own team and a number about how “baseball is gay” that’s suprisingly good.

So with all this joy spread, Queer Duck decides to go back to where it started for one last big fuck you gesture: he buys Happyland (We get a nice gag about the owner not only gladly selling out “family values” for money but hoping his dad is rolling around in his cryo tube) and turns it into Fairyland inviting all Gay, Bi, Trans and others to join him. The ONLY time Trnas people, one of the biggest parts of the queer community, are mentioned in this entire franchise... given how this franchise treats gay people and acts like bi people don’t exist, it’s a blessing in disguise.

This enrages the reverened into escaping his minimum security prison. At the opening..

We get some recycled gags from the Gay Theme Park episode of the shorts and Openly Gator gets a job at the ass pirates place.. I prefer Pirates of the Pancreas myself.

But the Reverend has one last scheme and has hyjacked the dergible QD is on, and plans to use it to spray his straight shit on them. Phrasing.

The rest of the Queer Duck Crew convince Openly Gator to help, which he does because he loves him..

And upon finding out what’s going on heads up and tries resucin ghim. We also get some decent gags with the tiny jesus on the reverend’s cruafix, played by David Duchovney, who bites the guy and generally snarks at the bigot. Our heroes barely escape the burning blimp and reconcile and the reverend is left to get raped by a bull because the series dosen’t get rape is bad even when it’s male on male.

So our main couple gets back together and we get the worst song of the movie: “I’m Glad I’m Gay” the title means well but it’s reptitive, not all that funny, and just.. ugh. The lonely hearts club shoutout is nice, hence why I used it for the page image instead of the lackluster dvd art, but otherwise it’s just whatever. The two get married, this time WILLINGLY, and our movie thankfully ends.

Final Thought:

This was rough in spots as you can tell.. but it’s not HORRIBLE. is it good, even fantastic?

It still has too many of the original series problems to be actually GOOD: The gay casts are caractures of gay people clearly based on terrible sterotypes, not even disscussing Queer Duck might be bi, the conversoin potion somehow working even though it’s undone, the racist pandas, the bull rape... there’s still a lot of ERRRURUUUGHHH stuff baked into the dna of this movie that makes it not fun to watch. Even for it’s time it’s regressive in it’s treatment of gay people , with both Mission Hill and the Simpsons having done loads better.

But... it IS better than the series. that’s not saying a lot, the series was pretty shitty. But more time means we get more rapid fire jokes in the style of The Critic, so I laughed WAY more during this than the series, and it does share the second half of the series tone: it’s more well meaning and Queer Duck is SLIGHTLY more likeable, and the humor isn’t AS dark. There’s still some bad shit as i’ve said... enough to make the film not GOOD, but it’s not nearly as odious as some of the stuff the series did. Were the series this level of quality. I wouldn’t of tried to see if I could gouge my eyes out with one of the goofy’s on my desk watching. Now saying it’s WATCHABLE isn’t high praise and I don’t mean it to be but if your curious the movie IS free on crackle and is only 70 minutes, probably more with commericals but hey, so I can at least say check this out if your curious or like laughing at a piss poor attempt at representation.

So yeah that about does Pride Month for this year. I mean I still have a Della and Penumbra episode this week, but otherwise that’s all folks. It’s been fun. And does that mean i’m done looking at queer media? No. And that includes bad stuff. With Q Force premering soon and ... this still needing adressing at some ponit.

As well as this

So yeah i’m sadly not done with bad faith attempts at representation or good ones. Countering both I have America’s recent mini series at some point and the Iceman solo series. So yeah expect all that at some point and until then, there’s always another rainbow and no matter what the color of yours is.. I support you, I love you and you are not alone.

#queer duck #lbgtq+#gay pride #pride month #pride #happy pride #mike reiss #the critic #the simpsons #tim curry

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sondermink · 3 years

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Salt

Wine and Drag Race were exactly what he needed. Not to be caged into any stereotypes, but Sonder absolutely adored partying, and tried his very best to keep up with Cass and the band. Maybe it was because Cass was part Vampire and could metabolise the drugs quicker, or maybe it was because he was a youthful sixteen months younger than Sonder, but he needed a break.

Cass didn't seem to mind. In fact, he had become a little distant, but Sonder wouldn't admit that it got to him. His unintentional polyamorous relationship (with a girl, no less) was heavy on his mind. Normally the drugs numbed it, but Sonder was very much enjoying the wine with his best friend instead.

"What would your drag name be?" Sonder asked, his cheeks flushed red and giddy. "I think mine would be Saalty Tension. Can you see it?? And I would be boldly against tucking." He laughed heartily as Ru Paul savagely tore down a Queen.

"Well, I haven't actually thought about it, but Saalty Tension sounds hot." Jeremy purred his delicious, irresistible purr. Sonder didn't know if it was on purpose or not. Jeremy didn't talk to him like that. Not that he hadn't seen his friend flirting with people before, but Sonder was rarely the recipient. Although, it wasn't impossible... Jeremy took Sonder's wrist in his big, manly hands, and turned it over so that he could press a fluttering kiss to his palm.

"You would absolutely need to tuck. I've seen... Well, no, You're too shy to show me properly, which is a bit unfair because you've seen me naked a thousand times..." Jeremy was on a tangent, and Sonder blushed deeply. "I've seen you in those sequined go-go shorts. That's practically naked."

Sonder giggled and pulled his wrist away on instinct. His fingers danced over the spot that had been kissed. "Stop it! What are you doing, you bloody perve?" Sonder pushed on Jeremy's shoulder, making the Lockhart giggle instead. His hair flopped in such a way... Oh... "It's... Stop it, I can't believe we're even discussing this, it's nothing like yours..."

"I saw it, a little, remember that time you jerked off while I fucked Tyler?"

Sonder's breath caught in his throat. They didn't bring that up much, not when they were this close to sober. He swallowed the remainder of his wine to close the gap. "You did not!" He protested, sitting forward to fill his glass. He turned at the waist and topped off Jeremy's glass. "I was extremely discreet, and you've always been a show off! I mean, I would too, if I was - Well..." He gestured to the comparative Greek God.

Jeremy scoffed. "You're not being insecure, not after all this time?" Sweet, kind Jeremy, took Sonder's hands in his own once more. His big, strong hands. Sonder gulped. "You've got nothing to worry about. From what I've seen, you're totally perfect." He gave an encouraging squeeze. Sonder gave a small smile and took his hands back, back to the wine. Surely it was just the wine making him this flirty. Besides, it was normal for them. They'd always been flirty. "You don't need to be big when you're a bottom, anyway."

Sonder spat his wine dramatically and turned back around to Jeremy, properly red in the face now. "Excuse me?! You're just full of assumptions today, aren't you?" He attempted a playful slap at Jeremy's cheek but it ended in Sonder doing nothing but pressing his hand against the stubble there. His thumb brushed Jeremy's lower lip, and the blonde obligingly let his mouth gently open. He'd kissed him before. Loads of times. They kissed for experimentation in the beginning, and then for fun, and later for more fun, and sometimes when they were drunk... Like now... But Sonder hadn't even finished his second glass...

"I've topped. Loads." Cass. And he was really being very liberal with the word 'loads'. Maybe a couple of times, but lately they only hung out when they were both on massive amounts of drugs. He was sure Cass had sex with Shosh now more than ever, now they were on the road and in each other's space at every moment. With Jeremy's rough face in his hand, his soft lip against the tip of his thumb, did he really even care who Cass was shagging?

He leaned forward and kissed him. Gentle at first, playful, as if it were a question. 'Is this okay? Were you just teasing me?' And Jeremy answered with vigour. The boy wrapped his arm around Sonder's waist, forcing the smaller boy up, his stomach pressing against Jeremy's chest. Okay, definitely not teasing. Sonder's hand went up into Jeremy's gorgeous hair, which he tugged, and the blonde emitted a moan. Sonder smirked against Jeremy's mouth and so the boy answered it, tugging on Sonder's hair, his tongue pushing into his mouth. Sonder moaned, much louder than Jeremy's, which had the boy chuckling. "Idiot." Sonder whimpered, biting Jeremy's lip and dragging, slowly, letting the reddness pop between his lips while the Lockhart locked eyes with him.

"Is this okay?" Jeremy asked through his hooded eyes, luscious eyelashes batting ever-so-sweetly. Sonder gave a small whimper. Cass. He looked up, thinking about it for a moment. How happy Cass seemed with Shosh. How drunk he was with Sonder. Maybe they weren't compatible as a couple. Maybe they were better as friends? They'd jumped into everything so fast, which was just so unlike Sonder. He had been proposed to by Caldwell before he'd even had a dick inside or around him.

His hands rested on Jeremy's shoulders, thumbs rubbing small circles into the skin of his neck. He'd known the boy for most of his life. And he'd always wanted him. There wasn't a moment in his life where he wouldn't have dropped everything to do whatever Jeremy wanted to do. He truly, with all his heart, loved Jeremy Lockhart.

"It's perfect." He said, firmly and with purpose. And as soon as the words left his mouth, Jeremy was on top of him like a racehorse out of the starting gate. He kissed up Sonder's slender neck, brushing his nose up his skin. Sonder straddled Jeremy on the couch as drag queens yelled at each other. Jeremy grabbed a hold of Sonder's ass and pulled him closer while the other went up his shirt to play with Sonder's pierced nipples. It was all so much. And in such a position there wasn't much Sonder could do but to moan, whimper, and grind. He could feel Jeremy's erection pressing eagerly against his ass. Sonder had been hard almost the entire conversation. His own penis pressed into Jeremy's stomach.

"Is it too much?" Jeremy asked, coming up for air. Sonder shook his head immediately as he rubbed his ass pointedly against Jeremy's dick. The Lockhart fumbled at the fastening of Sonder's jeans, and Sonder stopped his grinding. "Does that ever work? You sweet moron, skinny jeans." He mumbled the words lovingly through kisses and bites before dislodging himself from Jeremy's lap. "My place or yours?" He giggled, pointing to his room. It was definitely the closest, and it was the one more equipped for penis on penis sex.

Jeremy grabbed the boy in a fireman's hold, having Sonder make an unsavoury noise as he was suddenly scooped up. And so easily... "Jeremy!" He protested, not-so-secretly loving it. It wasn't long before he was thrown back onto his own bed. He had bought himself an extremely impractical bed spread. Bright pink and fluffy, like a stuffed toy. It was not for having sex on. Sweet, stupid Jeremy didn't think of that at all and jumped on it eagerly. "Oh my god! If you got cum on this I'd actually skin you and use you as a bed spread instead. I'd Buffalo Bill your sweet ass." Sonder shoo'd his friend off the bed until it was just sheets. The sheets could handle it.

Jeremy looked so sweet standing beside the bed, waiting impatiently, dick literally in his hands for Sonder to ready himself. Lubricant on the bedside table, an array of condoms. Toys, if they wanted to. Sonder had come a long way since Caldwell, virginal and afraid, Moore. He wouldn't have to blow Jeremy to hint to him that he wanted to have sex. Jeremy only needed to see the hungry look in Sonder's eyes as he walked calmly around the bed to his best friend and pushed him into a seated position. He took Jeremy's chin between his thumb and forefinger and had the boy look up at him. "I'm down for anything, really. And I don't normally top. I'd rather ride than top. I'll top if you really want but I'd prefer to lay down on my Egyptian cotton sheets and have you ravish me." He brushed his thumb across Jeremy's kiss-swollen lips. He looked up at him with his silly puppy eyes. Clearly, he hadn't expected his teasing to come to this.

"I'm down for anything." He pulled on Sonder's wrist, making the boy giggle, as he fell back into his bed. Jeremy started by undressing him properly this time. Sonder's dick popped up lewdly as his pants were pulled roughly down, and he turned an even deeper shade of red. Jeremy managed to pull Sonder halfway down the bed with a tug of his jeans and Sonder had to do the rest, kicking them off unceremoniously.

"Your dick is perfect, what were you even talking about?" Jeremy didn't wait for an answer as he took the length in his warm mouth. Sonder's toes curled. Oh, God. It had been a while. He wouldn't have lied and said he'd never imagined Jeremy's mouth before. Even wanked off to it. But he was so.... Eager. Hungry. Sonder grabbed the boy by the hair and pulled him up, crawling over him, kissing and tasting the saltiness on his mouth.

Jeremy's jeans were easier to extract but they both giggled as the woolen jumper captured Jeremy's upper body. It gave Sonder an opportunity to tickle him at first, his first instinct, and then to lay him back and kiss all over his chest, flicking his tongue against his nipples. A contained Jeremy gave a muffled moan before being able to get the jumper off completely, and once he had his hands he put them to use. Jeremy spat in his hand and Sonder scoffed. They had lube right there! Jeremy appeared to not notice as he grabbed a hold of both of their dicks and let his saliva be the lube and... Oh. And it felt very nice, made nicer by the fact that Jeremy had a little dribble making a line of spit from his mouth to his dick. Sonder's toes curled.

He put his finger to the line of spit first, an attempt to wipe it up? But Jeremy took it as an excuse to take Sonder's finger in his mouth. His tongue flicked just deliciously and Sonder moaned. Jeremy was a well trained slut and Sonder hadn't taken advantage of it at all. Jeremy had been out fooling around all of Hogwarts and Sonder had been left masturbating to the thought of it. He had to make up for lost time now. He replied to the finger sucking by taking Jetrmy's big manly hand in his and sucking on his finger in kind. It was Jeremy's turn to moan as Sonder gave the boy a preview of what he could do to his thick dick once he got a a chance to. He looked down between them, at his own dick on top of Jeremy's. The similarities and the differences. And for once, he didn't care.

Jeremy had a wet finger now, which was exactly what he had planned. He pulled Sonder forward and kissed him deeply, lewly, his mouth hungry to taste, his lips bruising and teeth grazing. And with that, he pressed his wet finger against the warm hole of Sonder's ass. The boy cried out in shock and pleasure, and before Jeremy could very annoyingly ask if it was okay, Sonder pressed his hand against Jeremy's, making his finger go inside further. It felt so good, and Sonder could feel himself becoming overwhelmed. With their bodies so close together there was barely room for a hand on a dick anymore, but Sonder made do. With less of a stroking and more of a teasing of Jeremy's slit.

Sonder felt himself come, sticky and warm, all over Jeremy's stomach. And once Jeremy realised what was happening, he too added to the mess. Sonder let out a soft screech at the untidiness of it all and pressed his legs together in an attempt to contain the sea of semen. Jeremy only laughed, and being the friend he was, he threw Sonder off of him and let the jizz go everywhere. Sonder cried out in protest and as he did, Jeremy laid his full body weight over his stomach, cum and all. He shrieked, pushing at the mountain of a man on top of him to no avail.

"Disgusting! You have to wash my sheets."

"Why?! It's your fault as much as mine!"

"Be-Because I made an attempt! You're so gross, oh my god! Get off me!"

Jeremy obliged with a goofy, just-done-it look on his face. Sonder rolled his eyes. Covered in cum, he was already stripping the sheets around Jeremy's naked body.

"Get up, you big... God, you big goofy mess! C'mon, we can shower."

That manged to get him standing at least, and to be quite fair to him, he did put the washing on. Sonder sucked Jeremy off in the shower later that night. Jeremy returned the favour later in his own bed, but there was no mess that time.

They cuddled together as they had done a thousand times before. Jeremy's face against the back of Sonder's neck, Sonder absentmindedly tracing on the skin of the arm Jeremy threw over him.

"What am I meant to say to Cass?" He asked quietly, waited patiently for an answer, but Jeremy had fallen asleep. Sonder drifted off too, but only after worrying about his ethics for a few more hours.

#c:jeremy #smut au #tw negative body image stuff #omggg it's been a LONG time since i've written smut #especially mlm #so be kind <#3

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megbox · 4 years

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2020 Year in Review

Previous Posts: (2019) (2018) (2017) (2016) (2015) (2014) (2013) (2012) (2011)

2020 is a weird year because as the world goes through something collectively extremely traumatic and that is radically changing the structure of our lives, our workplaces, the way we connect socially, our mental health… our response to disease…. SO MUCH ABOUT THE WORLD…. And yet the day-to-day of living in a pandemic is so… mundane. I am privileged enough to have that opinion. I have stayed securely employed and it is privilege for my main reaction to something as intense as this pandemic to be boredom. But really, 2020 was a year of absences. It was a year spent largely alone, in my own company. It was a year that forced me to rest. It was a year that made me feel so terribly lonely but also forced me to get acquainted with myself and enjoy my own company in a new way. And it was a year of running.

I would also like to thank Connor for making this post happen by reminding me to do it and not to break tradition.

January & February

I am combining these months because they were not altogether all that memorable. My resolutions, as I noted on Twitter on January 2, were to 1) Keep running and 2) Learn how to make fresh pasta dough. I can safely say – mission accomplished on both fronts.

On January 14, I had the privilege of presenting a suicide intervention lecture to students at the medical school where my brother goes. By that time, I’d done a million of these presentations so nerves aren’t really a factor (imagine that! Me, no longer remotely afraid of public speaking…), but this one meant a little extra to me. My brother is so highly accomplished, and I am so proud of him, and I enjoyed having an opportunity to show him what I do and make him proud of me. I wore my favourite dress and did my hair all nice and he described it later as “exceptional.” It was a really, really good feeling. The first weekend of February, Ali and I had planned to go to Jasper. We wanted to go for a hike or two, and get super stoned and go to the planetarium. A huge blizzard hit Alberta just before we were supposed to leave, so we ended up having a staycation here in Calgary. We rented a hotel room, went swimming, drank wine, went to Japanese Village, had drinks in the lounge and then later to a punk rock band roulette night at the Palomino and finally crawled into our giant hotel bed and fell asleep to Remember the Titans… of all movies. It was the kind of night where you simultaneously feel 18 and 35 years old.

March

March was when the pandemic really started to become real. I don’t know exactly why, but I did not take the threat of coronavirus very seriously until the last minute. My coworkers would whisper about it in the hallways and I just rolled my eyes. But then, people started deciding they would work from home, the number of us in the office dwindled. The vibe was bad. Nobody could really focus. They held meetings at 8am and 4pm every day just for COVID-19 updates and we all waited with bated breath for them to finally tell us to go home and not come back. I really feel like I didn’t acknowledge the true implications of this virus until we got the official work from home order, and I had to tell my boss, my laptop at home is too old to run this software, I need a work tablet. My first official work from home day was March 23, 2020. I don’t remember much about that time except that the general sense of panic and anxiety made my job a lot busier, and it is hard to do a job like mine from home because it is hard to counsel or reassure clients through anxieties that are hitting you just as hard. I coped with wine, a lot of running, and listening to Ben Gibbard’s afternoon live streams where he would play acoustic versions of Death Cab songs and other covers. He played New Slang by the Shins one night and I burst into tears. I also coped with teaching myself how to make fresh pasta dough, and enjoying what was, at that point in the pandemic, the novelty and fun of Zoom.

April

In the absence of being able to have a party for my birthday, I decided to be obnoxious and do a “challenge” on my Instagram story. I asked my friends to record a distance run and/or walked and send it to me as a birthday present. My actual birthday ended up being a cold and windy and pretty miserable day. I ran 12km myself, came back home and watched both Magic Mike and Magic Mike XXL, and then went to my parents’ to celebrate both Scott and I’s birthdays with our family. My friends dropped off presents to my door and drove past my house and honked and I felt very loved and appreciated. I drank a lot of Prosecco with my brother and we listened to Kacey Musgraves.

It was also in April that I become “acquainted” with my neighborhood running nemesis. I put acquainted in apostrophes because I have never actually spoken to him. On one fateful run in April, I happened to catch up to him on my regular route. This was at the height of the COVID fear and so, while I would usually just pass someone on the sidewalk, I went out into the street. He saw me out of the corner of his eye and SPED UP. WHICH IS SUCH BAD RUNNER ETIQUETTE LIKE DUDE I’M IN THE ROAD LET ME PASS YOU. And then we ended up in this like, all-out 100m-finals-at-the-motherfucking-Olympics sprint challenge when all I was trying to do was go for a leisurely training run. And then I finally passed him, turned a corner and had to like collapse on to my hands and knees to catch my breath. Since then, I see this man running all the time. Sometimes while I am also running, sometimes from my car when I am driving through my neighborhood. He’s like… 16. And we are very competitive with one another. I hope to one day actually say hello to him. I both hate that guy and have to thank him for the motivation.

I ran my first half marathon on April 13, 2020. I was very hungover because I had stayed up quite late with someone on Zoom the night before on a virtual “first date” that had gone much better than anticipated. I don’t know why but I woke up the next morning in such a good mood that I decided I would go for a long, slow run. I got to 18km and figured, what’s 3.1 more? And so, I did it. The first thing I did upon finishing was call my mom. The second thing I did was contemplate calling an Uber to drive me the 2km left to my house. The other notable thing in April is that Maddy moved back from Australia, begrudgingly and a LOT earlier than planned, because of COVID.

May

May was kind of a blur. It was the first month of the Great Virtual Race Across Tennessee, which I signed up for while coming off of the high of actually running a half marathon all by myself. The GVRAT was fucking awesome. It was created by Lazarus Lake, of Barkley Marathons fame. The ask is to run 1022.68km between May 1 and August 31, an average of about 8.3km per day. Well, you could run, walk, or hike. This is the actual distance it would take you to cover the state of Tennessee. Myself and about 20,000 other weirdos from around the world signed up for this challenge. I figured I would never get a chance to run in a Lazarus Lake race for real, and being home all the time opened up a lot more opportunity for training. It was one of the very best things I did for myself in 2020. So May involved a lot of running, because I was fresh and naïve and fully intended to be ahead of the curve. I was running about 10-12 per day, sometimes more, and not taking any rest days.

In between these runs, I spent a lot of time going on long, ambling quarantine walks with Maddy. We would either go for a long walk or she would come over and we would get absolutely hammered in my backyard playing beer pong just to pass the time. We would send snapchats to our exes and make TikToks like 18 year olds. I know we never really said it out loud but having eachother during this time made these months bearable. We were lamenting the loss of a summer, and Maddy’s time in Australia, and all of the expectations we had for ourselves. We were watching our friends in relationships move in together or get closer due to the quarantine. We needed companionship, and stupid things to laugh about, and love, and distraction. And I can genuinely say I would not have gotten through this quarantine period if it weren’t for the nights I spent shooting Pink Whitney and dancing to Party in the USA in my living room with her.

May 13th was my one year anniversary of working at the university. It felt good to have accomplished so many things in that time, and have moved up already in my job, and to have a full-time, permanent contract.

And May 16th was when I ran my second half-marathon as part of a virtual challenge put on by a friend of a friend. My parents came and sat in lawn chairs in the park while I did loops. They cheered me on and filled my water bottle for me when I ran out. They’re my number one supporters and I love having a family that does that kind of shit for me in the face of something arbitrary like a virtual half marathon challenge. I knocked 7 minutes (!) off my original time. Amazing what not being hungover can do for your fitness levels.

June

I don’t remember many important things about June, other than Maddy moving to Banff. It was depressing but I was also happy for her and happy to have an excuse to go out there and visit. I went the very first weekend after she moved. Halfway through June I seriously contemplated quitting the GVRAT. My shins were bruised, I was dreading every single run, and I could not fathom doing it for 2.5 more months. I was dragging behind in the standings and losing my motivation.

I spent a lot of time with friends reading in parks. Sometimes, often, with wine. I met a stranger in Canmore Park and ended up kissing him. He was lovely.

Ali and I had one really good day in June where we went to the Farmer’s Market and then came back to her place and watched Ru Paul’s drag race for like eight straight hours. It was one of those days where we hadn’t seen each other in so long and you just feel totally high off of friendship and absolutely everything is funny and you just can’t stop laughing. I vividly remember it as one of the best days of the year.

July

Again, July kind of passed in a blur. I did a lot of hiking, and a lot of running… keeping up with the GVRAT. I hiked Picklejar Lakes, Castle Mountain, Little Beehive Lookout.

I went to Banff for a weekend to hang out with Maddy. We had a predictably wild weekend with her roommates and friends. We had dinner at Chili’s (hell yeah) and then went to High Rollers for beers and bowling. The “thing to do” at that point for all of these Banff people was to meet at the “rec grounds” aka public firepits and drink. The police would generally leave you alone so long as you weren’t being rowdy. I sat next to an Australian named Josh at a picnic table and later took him back to my hotel room and he gave me the world’s most unbelievable obvious hickey. Maddy and I sweat out the tequila shots the next day with a long ass hike, and then had a nap before her brother came and took us climbing at the Sunshine slabs – an activity I was not very good at but I wanted to be good at. It was the kind of weekend where you feel like, okay, I definitely indulged my wild side. And you drive home just like totally exhausted but smiling. I sent Maddy’s brother a voice note on my way into town thanking him for taking us climbing and saying it was nice to see him.

August

Okay – August was actually really eventful. Like most of the year’s events happened in August, honestly. A lot of running and hiking. I did Ha Ling Peak for the first time, and we did a 30km hike to Aylmer Pass one day that was a fricken GRIND. I spent the long weekend in Saskatchewan. We went to a cidery, and I ran laps around my Dodo’s acreage, and then we got to visit Wakaw Lake and reunite with our old next-door neighbours. We took the boat out and went tubing and lit fireworks and had an amazing dinner and honestly it was like reliving my childhood in the best, best, best way. I fell asleep on the car ride home.

I went camping with Ali in Sylvan Lake. We got ice cream and cooked fish tacos over the campfire. She told me that Cody had a date planned for the day they took possession of their house, that she wondered if he might ask her to marry him but didn’t want to get her hopes up in case it didn’t happen and ruin what otherwise was supposed to be a celebratory day. Spoiler – he did ask her to marry him  I was running when she called me. I was listening to Epsilon by Kygo, and now when I hear that song I always think of them. I stopped my watch and just openly bawled on the street out of happiness for them.

Steven successfully defended his master’s thesis. We went camping in Waterton to celebrate with Matt, Kennedy, Regan, Scott, and Rie. They brought cake. We did a sunrise hike. I slept in the back of my Ford Escape.

On August 27, Ollie passed away. It was both expected and unexpected. He had been having some issues with seizures. The vet didn’t think it was anything to be too concerned about, he was old and it wasn’t uncommon for them to happen. It happened suddenly. I had a terrible sleep that night, and woke up in a cold sweat somewhere between 3 and 4 am. In the morning, my mom called me and told me the news. He had a giant seizure in the night and was crying and yelping. They woke up and took him to the emergency vet, they made the executive call to put him down to prevent any further suffering. He died right around the time I woke up in the middle of the night. I like to think that was his way of saying goodbye, maybe. I cried all day. Well, let’s be honest, I cried all week. I burst into tears at the mere thought of him. He was such a good and lovely dog. He was so loved by us. He had a good life. It is always sad when we lose pets so early. They bring so much joy to our lives, and still when I go to my parents’ place the first thing I want to do is call for him or pet him. I hope he is running around in whatever the pet afterlife is. I miss him.

And on August 31, I ran my last kilometre of the GVRAT. I finished with 733.78 run, 83.18 hiked, and 205.09 walked.

September

September was a nice break from running. I got to start coming to campus one day a week, on Thursdays, which was good for my mental health and work productivity. I got to spend September long in Vernon with Maeghan and Madison at Michael’s family’s cabin. They took us boating and made us meals and didn’t judge us for drinking margaritas with Michael’s sister literally all day. It was the best. It was the epitome of every summer weekend you dream about. I was so happy I got to go.

I met a boy in September. It’s always September, isn’t it? It feels weird to write about him. Like, that makes him significant. But. He is significant. And I met him in September. And it was unexpected. Last minute. And essentially not a day has gone by since that day in September that I have not thought about him.

I also joined a Calgary Sport and Social Club team with my friends for softball and it started in September. We played two games and then I tore my hamstring running from second to third base. I tore… my hamstring…. Running like 30 metres…. After a summer of literally running 10+ km every day. I… it was the worst day ever. Softball itself was amazing and so fun even though I really do suck at the sport but highly recommend Rec League C-level beer league softball with all of your best friends. There’s just no way that isn’t fun.

October

A lot of pouting about my hamstring, I went to two physio sessions and then decided to just start running again. I’m bad. I’m a bad example. Don’t do what I do… but also…. It worked.

I went to Victoria to visit Sydney over the Thanksgiving weekend. We went to a Thanskgiving potluck party at my old coworker’s place. It was a nice experience to be the new people at a party, to have a room full of new people to meet and who ask you questions about your life. We got really drunk and they tried setting Sydney up with one of their roommate’s brothers, and gave us lipstick to try, and poured us tequila shots. We had such an amazing meal. It was honestly so fun. We laughed in the cab the whole way back about how we were going to need to debrief that evening HARD the next morning. We watched a lot of All Gas No Brakes, and went for dinner and brunch and I limped up Mount Doug with my hamstring. It was a very very chill weekend, like we spent a lot of time just lounging at Sydney’s apartment and doing nothing. Because that is the kind of friends we are. It was so relaxing and lovely. I was sad to leave.

Karla, my roommate, left for New York at the end of October. Her aunt was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer, and she and her mom made the executive move to go there to basically be with her for the end of her life. She wasn’t going to be back until December. I was happy, because it’s nice to have a place to myself, but also sad because Karla is lovely and I knew it was going to be a stressful situation for her.

November / December

I am combining these two months because they have also been largely uneventful. In fact… I don’t know if I could really tell you anything significant that happened. We’ve been in a lockdown. I’ve spent my time playing piano, watching Netflix, listening to podcasts, basically doing all of the things I usually do when I’m bored. Lots of Among Us. Lots of outdoor things… skating… more running. We’ve been in a lockdown since early December. Time has dragged on since then. I spent Christmas with my parents. Scott and Rie stayed isolated, because Scott is in and out of the hospital for school. My mom and I watched shitty Christmas Hallmark movies and made fun of the guys who star in them. We drank a LOT on Christmas Eve and both spent Christmas with a wicked hangover. My dad and I ate edibles and I was launched into the stratosphere. I spent New Year’s Eve with Boy from September. We played beer pong, and card games, and he tried to use a coat hangover to pick the lock on the mysterious room that my landlord keeps locked. We spent most of the night kissing, honestly. I was happy to spend the last moments of the year with him.

2021:

Honestly... at this point... who really knows?

#year in review #text #personal #2020

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angelpartz · 4 years

Text

tagged by @manslikeklopp

last song: wall of glass by liam gallagher

last movie: excuse me, i love you

currently watching: ru paul’s drag race

currently reading: call me by your name

currently craving: a kiss

i tag: @hubaaxx @emieee

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saibh29 · 5 years

Text

She’s gone Girly (1/2)

Pairing: Tom Hiddleston x Reader

Warning: Maybe a little bit of swearing and some fluff

AN: Oh wow, it’s bit so long since I posted anything I’ve wrote. To start with I had a very clingy baby who bless her suffered badly feeding wise and then I was just so uninspired. I’m trying to write again though and have started with this. A little Hiddleston bit of fluff that I wrote for my sister, who as background is in the military and heavily pregnant at the moment herself and suffering greatly. She also has an unhealthy obsession with Loki and Tom himself. So hope you enjoy....

******

“I’m a whale"

You half wailed as you spun slightly too fast and your new frontal centre of gravity over balanced you, sending you skipping forward a few steps into your brother Sam’s chest. He grabbed your upper arms to steady you before patting your head in that slightly comforting, slightly condescending way that brothers did to younger sisters.

“true" he said with a smile “for a good reason though"

“You aren’t meant to agree with me, ass" you whacked his arm as you stepped away from his body. “You’re meant to comfort me. Tell me I look radiant or whatever other crap people say to heavily pregnant women to make them feel better about this" at the word this you waved at your extended stomach.

“You’re radiant" Sam agreed as you narrowed your eyes at him. “not just radiant, practically glowing with maternal energy"

“if I could move fast enough you’d be in serious trouble right now for those words Samuel"

“but you can’t and stress isn’t good for the baby, remember what the doctors keep telling you Y/N, you need to rest, take it easy"

“I hate you"

“no" Sam reasoned giving in and wrapping an arm around your slumped forward shoulders “you hate being pregnant. Which I could have told you that you would months ago"

“I do" you agreed “I know I’m not meant to, that it’s meant to be glorious and everything a woman dreams off but Jesus it’s just making me miserable I just want it to be over already"

“what did Tom say?”

“He muttered something about hormones" Sam winced which made you smile. “exactly. He retreated fairly quickly after that one"

“surely it can’t be much longer till the sprog makes their arrival"

“sprog?”

“well you won’t tell me what it is so I had to improvise"

You might have carried on being annoyed at his nickname for your child but said child chose that moment to viciously kick your ribs and you decided that whatever insulting name Sam wanted to bestow on them was probably deserved.

“3 weeks" rubbing at the top of your belly you tried to press the baby further down from under your rib cage so you could breathe at least semi comfortably. “3 weeks until the due date at least"

“it could be longer though"

“not if it knows what’s good for it"

You suddenly yawned almost breaking your jaw in two with the force of it. You hadn’t slept much last night as the baby had decided 3am was a wonderful time to take up Irish dancing on your bladder. You had contemplated waking tom and making him read to you but he had had an early start this morning and you weren’t quite that cruel. So instead giving up on laying down you had waddled to the couch and watched back to back episodes of Ru Paul’s drag race as the sun crawled over the London skyline.

“hey" Sam nudged your chin shutting your mouth once more. “you can do 3 weeks Y/N. If you can handle months in an Afghan desert with no comforts or privacy, and training then you can deal with 3 more weeks of pregnancy"

“I know I can... I just don’t want to"

“you don’t want to?”

“No, no I don’t. Shit Sam I have to pee every 5 minutes, I can’t breathe, I’m constantly hungry and the baby thinks kicking me is an ongoing joke of legendary proportions. I’m tired but every time I lay down I just get stuck and this whole thing is just...” you had to stop talking because you had started crying and hiccupping along with your words. Sniffing like a sick toddler as your nose ran with your tears.

Sam looked both horrified and scared at the same time. You never cried, you never got emotional and you were never a girl. To be fair he was still semi in shock that you were having a child in the first place, that you’d actually been attracted to a male. After living in the desert with a platoon of soldiers he’d doubted that you would ever find the male species attractive again. So, to see you sobbing like a real girl was just a step to far into the abnormal.

“there there" he patted you uselessly on the back. “shit Y/N... don’t cry" when all you did was sniffle more he gave in once more and tried to hug you, although the baby bump kind of made it awkward. “look it’s going to be fine. You got this, if you can’t sleep laying down then sit up, if you’re hungry just bloody eat and... and well I don’t know what to do about the kicking or the peeing but hey, this is all going to be forgotten in 3 weeks when you have a baby. A real baby Y/N"

“I...I...”

“words sis, I need words to understand you"

“idiot" you managed to wrench the tears back under control and smacked his chest once more at the teasing. You even allowed yourself to be led to the sofa and helped to sit down.

“tea?”

“That shouldn’t even be a question"

Happier now there was something for him to be doing rather than trying to comfort you Sam left you sat there flicking through Netflix films as he went to pop the kettle on. Seeing you cry was just one step to far into weirdness. It didn’t happen.

Tom arrived back just as the kettle had boiled and Sam was stirring coffee into his cup and tea into his sister’s. He smiled at his brother in law who dumped his bag on the floor and came over.

“didn’t expect to see you here today”

“Y/N called... she’s...well…"

Tom sighed rubbing at his temples “Is she alright?”

Sam fidgeted slightly before it came bursting out “she cried! Y/N never cries, even when we were kids she never cried. God she’s practically gone full 100% female all of sudden"

“apart from the fact she was crying that sentence was almost amusing"

Sam sighed sliding the tea over to Tom. “you take it to her I can’t deal with anymore shocks from my sister right now. I have to meet Saul anyway we have plans that involve drinking things our sister currently can’t"

“you want to risk not saying bye to her? Brave man”

Sam just smirked “4 years with my sister and still you haven’t learnt that discretion is the better part of valour, it’s much easier with Y/N to simply apologise for what you’ve already done rather than ask permission for what you want to do."

He gave Tom a quick man hug before grabbing his coat and disappearing through the door.

Tom took the tea and the abandoned coffee Sam had made through to the living room where you were sat flicking through films on the sofa. Your face lit up in a way that made his heart soar when you saw it was him not Sam.

“I didn’t realise you’d be home so early"

“it finished early" that was a lie.

His recording hadn’t finished early but he’d been worried about you. He knew you hadn’t been sleeping and the pregnancy wasn’t easy for you.

His wife was possibly the worst pregnant woman ever, too used to being active and independent. At the beginning the morning sickness had made you suffer, you’d had a few weeks between the first and third trimester that hadn’t been so bad and then you’d started to get too big to be as active as you wanted to be. That was when the real misery had started. You only truly relaxed when he was around as well, even if you wouldn’t admit it. So, he had just wanted to be here for you.

Kissing the top of your head Tom sat beside you letting you take the tea off of him. “Sam ran, didn’t he?”

“something about a sister who had suddenly turned female, that and the lure of alcohol"

You managed to laugh at that leaning over so your head went to his shoulder. Tom wrapped his arm around you, fingers naturally resting on the baby bump.

“I cried" you admitted softly. “I’m not really sure why I cried maybe you were on to something with the hormone comment. That’s a good excuse, right?”

“I don’t think you need an excuse darling" he pushed you forward gently so his hands could move to your shoulders rubbing at the tension there. “You’re pregnant, quite literally growing another human. You can react how you’d like"

“that is the correct answer" you couldn’t help but groan in pleasure as his hands dug a little harder into your muscles. “god I am just so tired Tom. I wasn’t even this tired after a full 15-month tour of Afghan"

“Would you like me to read to you?”

Normally that suggestion would have your instant agreement. Tom reading anything to you, even the phonebook, in that deep voice would get you to agree to anything. Right now though. “not if it means you moving"

He chuckled to himself but still pulled you back to his chest so you were laying on him once more.

You wriggled a bit as the baby decided to kick hard, this time into your liver. Your hand going to the left side of your bump and pressing trying to get the baby to quit battering its mother.

“Darling?”

“Your child likes beating up its mother” you winced as one more kick collided with your already bruised organs. “Jesus, I swear people said this was meant to be a magical experience”

Tom allowed himself to smile, but only as he was fairly certain you couldn’t see his face. Moving your hand, he pulled your shirt up and put his own hand on the bare skin of your stomach gently rubbing. “Hello little one, if you could please stop kicking your mother that would be wonderful”

The baby kicked hard once more against Tom’s hand, he would never get tired of feeling that, but then he did accept the fact that he didn’t have to feel it constantly on varying organs.

“Shhh, calm down” he soothed hand continuing to trail lazily over your stomach. “Shall I tell you a story? But you have to stay still and let mum sleep. Deal?”

The baby didn’t kick and you couldn’t help but smile. “Quick speak” you hissed “and don’t you dare move your hands, this child only seems to listen to you”

Tom continued speaking in that soft low voice telling the baby some sort of story about his day and the animals he’d seen in the zoo while they’d been shooting. It was just as good as reading to you and without the pain of the baby’s foot in your ribs and with Tom’s voice just behind your ear you finally fell asleep.

*******

@diinofayce @hisatumb @golden-guide @just4muggles @hp-hogwartsexpress @morganlb23 @yet-another-lockup @theraputicwritings @unevenpages @littlepartofheaven @this-is-bucky-barnes @cassandras-musings @callmebucky-doll @frostbyte-horan @QueenDarkMuffin @justsomeboringperson @tomshollandz @chameerah @itsbrxkenblxck @aya-fay @no-good-ideas @angelicshinigami @winterhalcyon @my-cloudy-blue-dream @vxidnik @stuckinthestarrysky @iwillalwaystrymyhardest @elizabeth-rose771 @weirddemiwood @frcgile-little-flcme @scarletmeii @angelaiswriting @selldraug @angryares @thenovarose @georgiagrl1990

(If you no longer want to be tagged just let me know and I’ll take you off the list)

#marvel #marvel fic #tom hiddleston #tom hiddleston imagine #tom hiddleston x reader #tom hiddleston ofc #imagine #loki #ofc #fanfic #tom hiddleston fluff

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randomlerson75 · 5 years

Text

Stuff people at my high school have said or done

• “I’ll just pretend I broke my ankle. I’ll limp a little”

• “You’re face doesn’t even have many bones”

• “Do you wipe your ass with your fingers”

• “I look cute though so I’m saving it”

• “They’re not dirty minded they just have a sexy brain”

• “This is not a good situation now. I’m not happy”

• *sleeping in class and randomly screams* “STOP!!!”

• “I’m coloring my weed symbol”

• “I stretch pretty violently I’m sorry”

• “I look like I’m more full of life than you”

•”I’m a good person” “haha ok”

• “I’m gonna round it to the nearest 11”

• “You don’t always have to swallow”

• “What a fucking time to be alive”

• “why are you harissing me”

• “That’s why you turn around and punch him in the face”. “I don’t have time”

• “You are the highest grade”

• “Does it taste normal”. “No it tastes good”

• “Why are we all up in this cold ass blueberry”

• “The sun can’t be that hot”

• “I could have overreached but that would make me stupid”

• “I’m all muscle bro, it’s tight on me”

• ”I’m a stripper that’s how I make my money”

• “You’re my mom” *talking to the teacher*

• “Are you high” “just get it off”

• *laughs normally* “you sound like a pedophile”

• “Pinkie ring until I roll”

• *about to jump off a cliff in a video for free diving* “push her”

• “Capitalism is ok”

• “It’s so funny how you can be alive one second and dead the next”

• “Change the m in marijuana to a j. Jarijuana”

• *teacher puts desk in the hallway*

• “He smoked water”

• “You can’t speak Latin” “Can you?”

• “May I acquire a pencil” “yes you may” “have a blessed day”

• “I’m going to write a book about how depressed I am”

• “God has forsaken me”

• *girls trying to stab each other with scissors*

• “I got a pretty long weenus. It looks like a penis”

• “My skeleton is twerking”

• *draws a skeleton twerking* “this is why it’s fun to learn art”

• “Why does he have eye holes?” “He’s a skeleton”

• “Don’t get my businesses ”

• “YOU ARE A WHORE”

• “love is so good”

• “Happy 17th day of birth”

• “You know it’s cold when you walk outside and it’s cold

• “why are you smiling like a creep Jess?” “That’s my normal face”

• “I’m living my best life, right here right now”

• *About thirty kids doing nothing but snapping*

• “Yes, I am very racist about smart boards”

• “I used to be like ;) but now I’m like :|”

• “Physically I’m here but mentally I’m still at home”

• “Emotions are like hurricanes. They never go where they are suppose too”

• “it took me a whole 27 minutes”

• “I would pay for the fire alarm to go off again”

• “Why did we get such a gay name like Florence”

• “this is my dad” *points to Albert Einstein

• *A REAL debate on wether to rip the clippy part off of mechanical pencils*

• “Not gonna lie. I grinded a friends marathon this weekend”

• “FINISH THE TEA”

• “You should know to never mess with another persons tech deck”

• “She has a thing against white people even though she’s white”

• “Speak of the devil. All white, what a fright”

• “You are a children”

• “You think a bull in a china shop? How about a bomb in a restaurant”

• “Me do”

• “I cheesed myself”

• “I never said I was going to jump you at Bojangles”

• “Knitting is VERY fun”

• “I’m not good enough, I’m great enough”

• “North Korea, South Korea, Same thing”

• *drops pencil* “NOOOOOOOOO”

• *light flickers* “excuse you”

• “You can make Australia bigger?”

• “Why don’t we burn people at the stake anymore for doing crimes. It was proven very effective”

• “It’s like I went into the pits of hell”

• “Can I borrow her crutches” “She has a lot”

• “You have arms?”

• “I was born thick”

• “I wasn’t sick I was drunk”

• “be a good person. Go go go”

• “Lotion and ravioli”

• “It smells like weed in here”

• “F*ck oxygen”

• “bring it back tomorrow or you die”

• “Tables are for glasses, not asses”

• “Stick it in between her boobs”

• “A lot of religions end in ism” “Christianiaism”

• “I just want someone to snort my ashes. That would be cool. Mix it with a little cocaine”

• “The United States of Australia”

• “Clark Kent who. I’m kidding, that’s not even Spider-Man”

• “Mental cheese”

• “Your blood is not supposed to make whistling noises”

• “Who sleeps on a Friday night”

• “A whole ass race”

• “that’s a sexy button” “I know right”

• *Screams* “and....”

• “Judaism is neither a religion or race”

• “Have you ever met someone and thought ‘wow. I would feel no remorse killing you’”

•“I hate this school with a burning passion”

•“Beep beep in your seats”

•“What is wrong with the world? The simulation is breaking”

•“What if we’re each other’s dad”

•“You use mental gymnastics to get around your head and get what you want”

•”You can’t just roll up to North Korea. You have to beat me in bingo”

•*teachers wear a dress and played despacito on the trumpet*

• “He’s a stingy boi”

• “A for anarchy? Dude i wish”

• “shut up I’m choking”

• “The snack the smiles back” “GOLDFISH!!!”

• “Where’s the pointy boi?” “I don’t know. I have the thick boi”

• “Dude. Fish can’t talk”

• “Stop taking my eraser” “it’s a ruler” “it can be whatever it wants to be”

• “A female vacuum is attractive”

• “I can love you but not like you”

• “I am mother gothel mentally, physically and spiritually

• “Mother gothel is my religion”

• “IM GETTING A COW!!!!”

• “It’s like Leonardo Da’Vinchi but instead it’s Leonardo Decaprio”

• “I wish I had some crippling disease. Schizophrenia would be nice”

• “I’m gonna kill someone for the rush of adrenaline I’ll get. I’ll get pumped, then I’ll work out”

• “Should I become an important political figure”

• “My cats might have eaten him”

• “Who else is trying to overthrow the government”

• “Where’s our kid?” “He looked at me funny and I had to teach him a lesson. I flushed him down the toilet”

• “I text Jesus all the time”

• “You are a saucy boi”

• “Your neck is really soft. Do you know that?”

• “Um. No professor. I don’t give a fuck”

• “Bro I look like a whole ass beetle”

• “You know? I’m definitely going to hell. But I’ve accepted that”

• “We need to go to the woods and have a collective cry”

• “Moths = whore”

• “Can we watch more food videos”

• “Just outlive the old people and health care prices can go back to normal”

• “Let’s just start the gladiator games again to handle population”

• “I’ll be Michael Phelps”

• “Don’t you just hate it when Nolan steps on your 69 Barbie head”

• “He’s so 20”

• “LITTLE BOY! WHERE ARE YOUR NIPPLES”

• “You guys disgust me”

• “I thought I had a good nights sleep but then I stood up and was like ‘oh no’”

• “you look better as an apple”

• “Why the fuck does it smell like weed in here. Mrs. Burch be blazing it up”

• “What is the coast of South Carolina growing” “Fish”

• “Why are we here on Halloween but not on Thanksgiving”

• “Even though I’m 18 I still might go trick or treating”

• “All minors should be allowed to trick or treat”

• “Tomorrow is not today, is it?”

• “ah yes, the glorious uno and dos”

• “I think Kanye is a crackhead”

• “Like. She’s not hideous”

• “Casserole and Gatorade?”

• “That’s what Google’s for girly”

• “this class has corrupted me”

• “You stepped on my fat”

• “What would Jesus do?”

• *Squeaks kazoo in anguish*

• “We’re going to watch a video about the depression” “weird, nobody has been following me around with cameras”

• “Approximately 50 minutes till ice cream”

• “Did you know heroin is not good for you?”

• “I have the constant need to fight myself and my demons”

• “what the hell?” “I know”

• “you are crack-a-lakin me up”

• “I have no muscles so what’s the point”

• “Flex on the legless”

• “didn’t that movie come out in November? Fifty shades of green?”

• *County music blares from another class down the hall*

• “I got a twin brother” “What’s his name” “Pj”

• “Keep the iPhone in your ear”

• “Super white red lipstick”

• “They just need a lot more dollars”

• “Don’t be like Anthony” “Isn’t he your son”

• “There’s a lot that needs to happen in the next.... today”

• *Plays bagpipe music walking down the hallway*

• “Say sorry to Billie Eilish”

• “We should make army merch”

• “Some of us have bitch lips”

• “Time is moco loco”

• “Alfred Adler sounds like Adolf Hitler”

• “Albert Einstein is my favorite president” “YES”

• “It’s winter berries”

• “She just unfollowed your ass”

• “Do you ever get so mad you’re like rrrrr”

• “Bear Grills filtered that shit”

• “The US army is trying to recruit us with socks and bandannas”

• “This dude tastes bad”

• “I’m a sophisticated retard”

• “It’ll get your heart rate up” “I think asthma will make my heart rate go down”

• “She was like egh and the he was like EGH”

• *Door won’t open* “DISRESPECTFUL”

• “if she wasn’t my sister she would be my baby”

• “Will you let me make love to an Oreo”

• “Directions turn me on”

• “I’ll eat you” “Dude that’s gay”

• “you’ve been had a 69 in here”

• “I’m gonna be real with you. Hayden is a whole ass lesbian”

• “I’m sorry that picture is ugly. Sorry sis”

• “A whole jump suit with pikachu on it”

• “He’s been birthed”

• “Ru Paul’s drag race has been dragged”

• “Imma sip some chlorine”

• “why do you gotta throw up”

• “suicidal dog collar”

• “I’m pulling out Murphy’s head ass”

• “you’re gonna be single forever”

• “Do you trust me?” “No” “why” “you know why” “I told the truth after”

• “I didn’t mean to make her suicidal”

• “I did it in the most respectful way I possible could” “oh Jesus”

• “it’s not my fault she had that much of a connection”

• “she’s a sly bitch”

• *dresses in a Thomas the train hat and plays Thomas the train theme song on a piano*

• “I’m getting better at this” “what” “this”

• “It’s just my master plan to manipulate people’s emotions and have many successes in my future”

• “How do you do that” “I just empty my eyes”

• “You know what. Give me my birthday back”

• “Bitch bye. Not even cousins”

• “they go away. They don’t putt putt”

• “why” “so you don’t die in a police chase”

• “are you a virgin” “yes” *throws paper* “there’s my virginity for you”

• “I’m not stupid. I’m just not smart”

• *tries to hit someone with a decapitated mannequin head that has swim goggles on and fake blood coming out of its eyes*

• “you ignant”

• “I hope she chokes”

• “I had to sit at the edge of my chair, feet flat on the floor and hold my horn”

• “I don’t want to get my freaking hair done”

• “he hates my moms guts” “yeah no shit”

• “ok. Can you go cry over there”

• “Fuckin Jurassic world”

• “will you please beat up my mom”

• *drops phone purposefully* *immediately gets scared*

• “I want a new mom” “then break her”

• “did you just say what’s frog juice”

• *freshman walk by* “oh shit there’s a parade of them”

• “that five year old king is a queen”

• “Join the ranks”

• “Garrett’s carressing the computer” “cool”

• “You’re going into my dragons mouth”

• “Don’t snap my crab”

• “Crab breaking black belt”

• “are you milking the crab”

• “Cameron buttered my lemons”

• “Mixed with god”

• “What’s the juice”

• “I’m your bestie and you won’t even tell me the juice”

• “Let’s amazon.com this”

#generation z #gen z culture #gen z #gen z humor #high school #quotes #2000s kids

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bolbianddolanhouse · 5 years

Text

BNHA AU [self insert]

Nani the heck is this? read here!

Chapter 4: Fuck my Drag right?

The events of the sports festival unfolded and everyone is being recognized for their feats. Iida has put his feelings for Ita on the back burner as his brother was disabled by the Hero Killer. The internships happened and everyone is coming back from them.

-Monday, in homeroom with Mimi and Jin-

“Y'all heard about what happened?”

“YEAH! bitch I’m scared”

“Me too, what’s going to happen next?”

“I’m just glad nobody died and that the students are ok”

“you say that because Glasses was one of the students”

“NO ITS BECAUSE I’M THEIR CLASSMATE! I would feel the same if it was you two”

“Aww Ita!” said Mimi and Jin, coming in for the group hug.

The mood changed when Diya sensei came in. He seemed unusually peppy from his usual neutral or gritty moods.

“Good morning class, lets settle down for some big announcements” he said with a smile that we didn’t trust. “As you all may have heard about the attack and the students involved, due to those incidents, our department has moved some lessons around to have our students more prepared to be ready to defend the others and each other.”

He takes out the syllabus,”if you can take out your syllabus so you can mark the changes” we comply.

“Ok so instead of just working on our semester final project until the marked due date, we also have to do our week long incognito lesson with practice starting Wednesday. In weaponry we’re going over defense and escape for next week. Our licensing exam is still in 2 weeks and the semester final project has been extended to 1st day of 2nd semester.”

I finish the changes and think, wow even we’re affected by all this.

Jin raises his hand

“Yes Matsui?”

“Are also having extra training sessions in prep for the licensing?”

“yes we are! thank you for reminding me” Diya sensei said “For the next 2 weeks, we will be training for most of homeroom and all of weaponry. For the ones that go to other classes, will still go to them and follow their schedule. If you have a free period, you can work on your projects then if you need school resources.”

Jin then looks at us and I knew he was going to claim us 1st before anyone else does. Bold of him to think I’d go with anyone else.

“Now that we have that done, on to the other news!” he said with another smile that made us feel uneasy, “our jumpsuits and gear came in! I’ll give them out in weaponry to see if they need to be re-adjusted. Secondly, we need to discuss the incognito lesson.”

I sit there thinking that it was going to be something like how to not look obviously like a spy/agent. Nope.

“For incognito week, you have to take up a persona and run with it for a full week. You have until Wednesday to come up with your persona along with clothing, makeup and voice pattern” Diya sensei said as straight faced as possible “Rules to adhere to: MUST be opposite sex, 3 different outfits, cause some chaos and keep your stories straight.”

I raise my hand.

“Yes Palma?”

“So this is just like Ru Paul’s Drag Race but we gotta lip sync for our grade?”

“Actually yea, exactly like that. So bring your best drag everyone! If you don’t have a certain part of an outfit or uniform, ask your classmates if you can borrow their’s for the week”

I suddenly love my class so much. We get to creating our personas and in weaponry we get our costumes. Mine thankfully fit and the gear was so cool that I could hardly keep my eyes off them. We get ear pieces and voice changers that fit right on the molars. I changed mine to make my voice a believable mezzo-tenor male voice. I then remembered I still have to go to my hero class and asked if I need to give them a fair warning before I show up in full boy drag. Diya sensei basically said that he’ll tell Aizawa but I don’t have to tell the class if I don’t want to. The cause some chaos rule is a free get out of jail card for us for that week, we can do anything but physical damage to property.

-Wednesday in Homeroom-

“AHHHH! I’m so excited!” I said to Jin “I can’t wait to show y’all my drag! I got a wig and everything!”

“I got fake hair buns and brought a dress for my extras, I already have some fem features” said Jin “did you bring the makeup?”

“yee yee, can’t wait to make you look sparkly and cute!”

Mimi walks in with their stuff.

“Sorry I’m lowkey late, the upperclassman that I asked to borrow their uniform pants was running late” said Mimi out of breath.

We started class and turned in our persona sheet to sensei and then we got into full drag. Jin was one of the cutest girls, persona name: Deez Natsu. Mimi was an ok looking dude, persona name: Suka Raboski. I looked more like an edgy boy, persona name: Takeshi Tboone.

“wow takeshi, thats a choice”

“Oof Suka I can see your lace”

“Y’aint at my level dawgs!”

We go through the rest of weaponry and walk out looking like completely different people. I get my things and sensei wishes me luck on fooling them.

-in the hero course classroom, before I arrive-

“Iida-kun, how is your brother doing?” asked Midoriya

“He’s doing better but it looks like he can’t walk”

“oh my, sorry if I brought up a sensitive topic”

“no it’s alright, you deserve to know”

Denki butt in “so Iida, are you going to ask Palma-san to a date today? Or am I going to steal your girl”

“Oh please, if you asked her out again, she’d give you another atomic wedgie but off the flag pole!” chortled Uraraka.

“tch just tell her already four eyes!” said Bakugo “I’m getting sick of hearing about her”

“I don’t think I can! I have too much on my mind already and I can’t manage a relationship on top of it all” said Iida.

“Bold of you to assume she’ll say yes” said Kirishima under his breath.

“Kirishima thats rude!” Mina said in defense.

I then walk in, with my bag slung over my shoulder, fuck boy posture and sunnies on. I had my stories in check, I copied some 2nd year’s elasticity quirk (my brother’s quirk that I can maintain for 5 hours with mastery) right before I went to class. So if anybody is gonna try me, I got me.

“Um excuse me, but who are you?” asked Shoji as I sat down.

“yea and that seat is already taken by Palma-san!” said Momo, ready to fight.

“tuh! That’s no way to treat a transfer, didn’t she tell you?” I said in my best tough guy tone.

“Palma-san didn’t say anything! where is she?! I swear if you hurt her!” said Iida in a demanding tone.

“She’s, not at school at the moment, so you’ll be dealing with me, Takeshi Tboone, American bastard.” I said as slick as I could. It was a true feat not laughing after saying bastard as your title.

“I don’t know why but he’s kinda cute” Hagakure whispered to Asui.

Aizawa sensei walked in and saw my grin and gave me the ‘i know’ look.

“forgot that was today, huh, well be kind to our transfer Tboone.” said Aizawa, also trying not to laugh.

“sensei, where’s Palma-san then?” said Jiro

“Palma-san is at the East-side hero school, on temporary transfer” Aizawa said while looking at the persona sheet I gave them the day before, “If Palma-san likes the other school better, she’ll stay there. And we’ll have Tboone-san for the rest of the remaining years until graduation.”

“why would she want to transfer? This is the top school!” exclaimed Iida.

“I see what she means by aggressive classmates, but I’m tougher!” I said “she doesn’t feel safe here dawg, she feels like everyone is after her and doesn’t like her so you better pray that she’ll crawl back here.”

Iida started to think that he should’ve never done what he’s done to Ita and convinced himself that it’s his fault that he drove her to transfer. Class goes on and the girls are all over Takeshi, which is bad because I didn’t plan on being an ACTUAL fuck boi. I pack up my things, which are just Jin’s things and Jin has mine, and I hear the delicate tip taps of a ‘girl’ running.

“Takeshi! Here you are my sweet~” said Jin, really playing the part of Deez.

“oh sup bitch come here and give me a little sugar.” I say as I stretch my arm out to grab them by the waist and pulled them into a fake kiss.

“I love it when you kiss me in front of other girls” he said as he gives side eye to the girls of 1-A, “you hear that! HE’S MINE!” as he jumps onto me.

Everyone was in shock, not only was he new but has a girlfriend?! Who the hell was that girl anyways?! Iida gets jealous that it could’ve been him and Ita if he spoke up sooner.

“Hey Tboone-san” said Kirishima with a warm smile.

“oh sup red-san”

“hahaha! The names Kirishima” he said “glad to have you in the class! that other girl was suspicious”

“oh word dawg? bitches be crazy!”

“Yea but you seem like the super manly type! wanna sit with us at lunch?” he said pointing at Bakugo, Sero, Mina and Denki.

“sounds tight! but I did promise my girl that I’d eat with her”

“I made fried rice!” Jin said, almost breaking character because he was really proud of his fried rice.

“Oh alright, maybe tomorrow then!”

“sounds litty, Later Red-san, Pink-san, Mad-san, Pika-san and Office Supply-san” I said while being dragged away by Jin.

“dude what the fuck, this is fucking crazy!” said Jin

“I know! where the hell is Mimi?!”

“That’s where we’re going, she’s swarmed by girls!”

We get to the patio and there they were, surrounded by girls. Mimi looked like they were gonna pass out because of all the pretty ones. I stretch my arms out and picked up Mimi from the circle and ran like hell to the intelligence wing. Jin deployed a portal before the crowd got to us and we portal in a pile inside of the commons room. We laugh a bit about our little tussle then I get a text, it’s Iida,

[Hi Palma-san I didn’t see you today in class and I have to say is that, I’m sorry, really sorry that you don’t feel safe or wanted at this school]

“oof guys look” I say as I show them the text.

“yikes what are you going to tell him?” Mimi said as I get another text, also from Iida,

[I feel responsible for you wanting to transfer. I shouldn’t have forced you to do anything. What can I do fix this? A lot of us prefer you over the transfer.]

“double yikes! a double text!” Jin said with a mouthful of fried rice, then I get another text

[ I know you won’t see these texts until later, but I miss you. Please respond when you can]

Jin and Mimi are looking at me, waiting to see what kind of melodrama I am going to start.

[Iida, I know you feel bad but the truth is, I feel unliked in the hero department. Everyone is pressuring me to be a hero or leave. Can’t I just learn about your culture without being part of it? I miss you too, you’re my only true friend in that class]

“wow Ita, this week is going to be spicy” said Jin.

He was right, everyone liked Takeshi a little more than Ita and hurt a little but the week was almost over. Sunday afternoon and I was getting my outfits ready for the next 3 days and I get a text, it’s Iida,

[Hi Palma-san, sorry if this is so sudden but are you available to spend some time with me? I’m in the area]

Oh jeez what do I say to that?

[Oh sure, where do you want to meet?]

[I can meet you in front of your complex]

[oh sure! just let me get dressed, let me know when you get here]

I quickly changed into a sun dress, did a low bun and some quick makeup to hide the fact that I partied last night with my class and woke up at 1pm.

[I am here in the front]

[ok, I’ll be right there!]

I teleport to the front and Iida looks at me like I was the most stunning thing on the street.

“Palma-san you look so pretty!” he said as he gave me a tight hug “I’ve missed you dear classmate.”

“oh! its only been four days.”

“doesn’t matter! point is that I want to spend time with you” Iida said as he released me from his embrace “shall we get going? I saw this cozy cafe that I wanted to check out.”

“Oh I frequent that place! I love it and I think you’d like it too”

As we walk to the place, theres heavy foot traffic. Iida doesn’t have a problem walking through but I was being pushed and falling behind. I reached out to grab his shirt to not lose him in the crowd.

“hm? Oh Palma-san! I’m sorry I didn’t know you were falling behind.”

“Oh I’m alright, I didn’t want to lose you in the crowd.”

“well then, here, take my hand” he said carefully holding mine “so we don’t lose each other”

I didn’t notice but Iida was blushing hard and I was just excited to order some berry tart and a latte. We get to the place and sat at a table where I could face the window and see the people passing by. We talked about Tboone-san and he really didn’t like the guy and I just sat there trying not to laugh. Iida changes the subject,

“So Palma-san, I’ve been thinking” he said as confidently as possible “that we should be honest with each other, now that we’re close”

“um ok, what do you want to know about me?”

“What name do you prefer to be called? What’s your favorite flower? Who do you like at school?-” he kept listing questions but my gaze was over at the window. I saw the boy with the lemon colored hair with his friends pass by and the boy so happened to make eye contact with me and didn’t break it until I was out of sight.

“Ita”

“hm? what was that?” Iida asked confused

“I like to be called Ita, Itati is my full first name but it doesn’t have the ring that Ita has”

“Ita...a cute name for a cute girl” he said and I choked on my latte.

“oh jeez I’m sorry hehe, I’m just not used to compliments like that, they make me uneasy”

“Why?”

“In America, when somebody compliments you like that and the person isn’t close to you, its like a form of bullying” I say as I stare at my latte “so when I got here and I got these compliments, I feared for my life for like two weeks.”

“I had no idea! I’m sorry that I made you feel that” Iida said while chopping his hands “I’ll be more careful”

“oh its alright, I’ll adjust!”

We walk around the area a bit more then he walks me to my complex. He grips my hand a bit tighter as we approach the front.

“hey Ita”

“yeah?”

“Have you decided if you want to transfer to that school?”

“I haven’t actually” I say trying to maintain my stories, “I have until the end of classes Tuesday to say yes or no.”

“Oh I see, it’s just that, I-I” Iida struggled to find his words “I promise to be nicer to you if you come back”

“what-”

“I mean it, I made you cry when we met. What kind of friend am I if I’m the cause of your tears and insecurity?! I’ll be nice, just come back”

I start to tear up, he really thinks its his fault. I let the tears fall, fuck this is dumb. He sees me cry and he panics and stops to wipe my tears. He cradles my face in his hands, if he didn’t make it clear that he wanted to be friends, I would’ve kissed him.

“Please don’t be sad, I promise to be sweet and kind to you from now on! I want you to feel protected and a cherished part of the school, if everyone is against you, I will be the one to be by your side. Okay?”

I cry even more, I think about how the hell am I going to break it to him that Tboone is just me in full boy drag and I’m not going anywhere. We say goodbye and I teleport in my room. Oof can’t wait for this whole thing to blow over.

-Tuesday, after school in the patio-

I was on my way to usual spot where I’ve been hiding to teleport near my house this week when I see some boys pestering somebody thats leaning against the tree. I get closer and see that it’s Kirishima and Bakugo. uh oh, time to initiate solo operation SAVE THE GAYS.

“yo yo yo! what’s the haps fellas?”

“we found these faggots being gay” said the taller boy of the bunch.

“yeah! we were about to teach them a lesson!” said the gremlin looking one.

“Oh yea? Fellas, allow me to take of this, eye sore.” I say as I put my bag down and stand in front of Kirishima and Bakugo with the other boys on either side of me.

“Tboone-san what the hell? I thought we were cool!” said Kirishima

I give a smirk as I stretch my arms out to the bullies. I give them the ass-whoopin of their life as Kirishima and Bakugo stand and stare how hard I was going. When they had enough, I grabbed them by the collar and said

“If I see any y’all pestering the gays being gays, I won’t hesitate to beat your homophobic asses and chop your dicks off and make you eat them, DO I MAKE MYSELF CLEAR?!”

“YES YEA PLEASE NO MORE!”

“good, I’m giving you to the count of 5 to get out of my sight before I give you another serving” I say clenching my fist as I let go of them. They scatter and run like hell before I could start counting.

“Tboone-san, that was so courageous of you.” said a still shocked Bakugo.

“That was the manliest thing I’ve ever seen! Tboone-san, how can we ever repay you?” said Kirishima.

“oh its cool dawg, I was just being a bro” I said as I was picking up my bag “see you later! your secret is safe with me.”

I walk away to my hidden spot and think, wow what a way to be remembered.

-Wednesday, in the hero course classroom-

“Hey Iida, do you think Palma-san is happy?” asked Tokoyami to a very deflated Iida as he stares at the emtpy desk.

“I don’t know, I poured my sincerity out to her and she sounded unsure.”

“Are you going to be alright Iida-kun?” Uraraka asked worriedly “you don’t look too well.”

“I’ll manage, don’t worry about me”

Class starts and I don’t show up to class because I needed some extra training for my licensing exam. Everybody else thinks it’s because I stayed at the other school and Tboone didn’t like the school. Aizawa knew the truth but didn’t say anything. Class ends and Iida walks to the patio to sit under a tree and ponder his text to Ita.

[Hi Ita, hope your having a good day at school. I need to tell you something important, I don’t care if you don’t feel the same way back. I like you, more than a friend, I’m sorry I didn’t say it earlier. It kills me that you’re not here, I spent most of class staring at your desk hoping you’d teleport in any moment. I was too coward to admit it but it’s obvious now, I have fallen for you. You’re as rare as a desert flower, as sweet as honey, as strong as a crashing wave, as beautiful as ]

he stops typing and deletes his text. He didn’t see the point of pestering her if she already made her choice. Meanwhile Ita is on campus but preparing for her licensing in 2 days. The rest of the school day passes and Iida walks to the parking lot, and to his surprise, he sees a very weary Ita walking to their car.

“ITA! ITA!”

I turn around “who the hell tryna get they ass run over?” I mutter.

I see Iida running toward me, giving me no time to escape, I brace myself for impact. To my surprise he stops before crashing into me and gives me a tight hug.

“Where have you been?! I thought you decided to stay at the other school and I got sad.”

“Oh no! I was doing extra training for my licensing exam, its in 2 days”

“Oh my apologies, is that why you look a bit roughed up?” he said releasing me from the hug.

“yea hehe I was struggling in detonate and defuse” I said as I showed him my bandaged hands “no copy quirking for me for a while.”

He gently took my hands in his, tracing the insides of them with his thumbs.

“In two days you say? Can I have the class see you off?”

“um sure if its ok with sensei, I don’t want to take away class time from yall”

The two days pass and as we were having our luggage check. The Hero 1-A class came out to see me off.

“Do your best Palma-san! We believe in you!” said a bunch of them.

“why is your class so small?” said Kirishima.

“Intelligence course class are the smallest because of the popularity of the course” said Jin “all of us wanted to be in the program and got admitted in without having to do the entrance exam.”

“Yep, even your dear sensei considered joining” said Aizawa “but I really wanted to stick it to the man with my abilities.”

“OOOH! I love your class pet!” Mina said fawning over Zippy the lizard “I wish we had one!”

“Please Mina, with our class, that poor creature won’t survive a day!” said Midoriya.

Our bus arrived and I turn to say bye and I get a tight hug from Iida.

“Be safe Ita, do your best! I’ll miss you”

“I’m only going to be gone for a day and a half!”

Everyone in the class was motioning Iida to kiss Ita. The kiss didn’t happen but I said my good byes and boarded the bus. The licensing happened at the USJ were we did target shooting, detonate and defuse, rescue the hero, save the citizens, and would you rather life or death edition (like would you rather but with people and guns). The class passes the exam, including Zippy, it was the 1st time in years the whole class passes according to Diya sensei. There was much to celebrate once we got back but on the way to the school, the bus breaks down. Instead of waiting for the repairs, since we were a mile away from school, we pushed the bus all the way to school. We used our quirks and strength to push the bus and everyone on that road stopped to admire our teamwork. When we got to school, we made so much noise hollering that we passed and pushed a whole bus to school, it drew alot of attention to us and anyone within earshot came out to see.

“ok ok everyone lets settle down” said a very tired Diya sensei “Miss Palma, if you teleport in, you can still make it to your hero class.”

“Oh ok are you sure yall don’t need help bringing in stuff?”

“No we have things handled, go! you have 5 mins before it starts”

“got it! Thank you!”

-Meanwhile in the Hero 1-A classroom-

“I think Palma-san is back” said Denki walking back in the classroom “a group of students are hollering in the front of the school”

“Wonder what happened?” said Todoroki

“Her entire class passed” said Aizawa as he walked in “including the lizard.”

“That damn reptilian passed?” Bakugo said astounded “tch this licensing exam will be a piece of cake if a lizard can pass it!”

Mina raised her hand.

“We aren’t getting a class pet and train it to be a hero for the last time Mina!” said Aizawa at his wits end with the requests for a class pet. “Just because their sensei let them, doesn’t mean I will. Besides, those kids are on another level of smart, that lizard knows how to drive a small vehicle.”

As everything is happening in the classroom, I am too weak to teleport in the room so I teleport in front of the Hero wing and start booking it. As I run, I start to mentally prepare for all the questions and what stories to tell. I get distracted and I run into somebody and I fall back. Fuck I think, this is so embarrassing.

“sorry! I was in a rush! are you-” I start rush apologizing then I saw their face, it was the lemon haired boy. They we’re standing there, looking at me.

“I should be the one apologizing! You’re the one on the floor” he said extending his hand out to help me up “say, aren’t you that American student? From intelligence?”

“Um yes, how did you know?”

“I’ve heard about you and caught some glimpses of you in passing” he said “I am impressed by your accomplishments, I’d love to see you in action”

“oh uh thank you, sorry to cut this short but I have to get to class” I say as I start running again.

“Bye! I hope to talk to you again!” waved the lemon haired boy.

I start to think, he’s cute, I wouldn’t mind talking to him again but who is he? I get to the door and I walk in out of breath.

“Hi, I’m alive” I say as I do a weak spin into a dab.

“Nice track suit Palma-san” said Momo “was it custom made?”

I look at my track suit, it’s a black and orange with my last name on the butt. “oh it is custom but my sister sent this to me to pester me about my big ass” I say as I show everyone the PALMA on the butt in big lettering.

We start class and they announce their licensing exam is also coming up along with their final exams and training at an undisclosed forest campground. Lucky for me, they don’t apply to me but I still train with them when it’s class-time. I notice that Iida wasn’t talking to me or looking at me like he usually does. I wonder what happened while I was gone. Class ends and I pack my bag and think about that boy in the hallway again, can’t believe I didn’t catch his name.

“Hey Ita” said Iida softly

“Hi, are you doing alright? You look a bit distracted.”

“I’m fine! um do you want to have lunch with me in the patio? I packed food”

“oh sure let me tell Mimi and Jin” I say as I stick my finger in my ear.

“this is Palma, contacting Oleshin and Matsui, over”

“Oleshin on the line/ Matsui on the line, over”

“Requesting a 508, repeat a 508, over”

“Permission granted/permission seconded, over”

“Thank you, have a good lunch, over”

“Wow you got ear pieces?” said Iida in awe

“Yea, we got them for in field practice but will special permission, the school lets the whole program use them to communicate with each other.”

We walk to the patio and sit under a tree. Iida takes out a fairly big tupperware container and hands it to me.

“Here, I made you a fresh treat, because you deserve it”

“oh thank you, you didn’t have to make me anything!” I said shyly

“I insist! You deserve some rest and treats for all your hard work these last few weeks” He said putting the container on my lap “I also have some fresh flowers, dark chocolates and lemon water. All just for you”

He arranges everything around me to set up a peaceful atmosphere. I open the container and I see perfectly cut cucumber, orange and mango with some lime wedges and salt shaker.

“Oh my god! It’s like I’m back home!” I say exclaimed as my mouth watered “you did your research, didn’t you Iida-san?”

“And what if I did? I just wanted to do something nice for you” he said as he closed his bag “you bring me peace during these scary times.”

“oh I see” I say as I start eating some mango “well, I’m glad that I am”

“hm? why?”

“Because, you could be out there, getting hurt again and blinded with rage and revenge. But you’re here, with me, healing yourself from the toxicity of it all.”

“I didn’t think of it that way, I just feel calmer and happier if you’re around me”

“I feel like I exist to be that peaceful and calm for the people around me” I said reminiscing the calmer times “back home, I brought order and peace in my household. With my friends, I give love and acceptance. And honestly, I haven’t felt like that since I got here but you helped me remind myself of the one thing that defines me. Thank you Iida-san.”

“Call me Tenya”

“Ok then, Tenya, thank you for making me feel cherished and myself again”

In the distance, the Baku-squad are spying through a 2nd floor window.

“I wonder what they’re saying?” said Sero.

“Who cares?! Four eyes is finally saying his stupid feelings to Palma-san” growled Bakugo.

“They’ve been spending alot of time together lately” pondered Kirishima “Maybe I was wrong about her, she might be just a foreigner that barely made it here.”

“huh? Palma-san was still on your suspicion list?” asked Mina “she’s really nice and cool, would a spy be that willing to be friends with us?”

“I still think I can woo her to a date” muttered Denki as he leaned against the wall.

The day ends and I get home in a happier state of mind. But the difficulty and heart twisting events are fast approaching, and I have to rise to the occasion to get through them. Not just for me, but for the ones that need me.

-End Chapter 4-

#bhna #mha #chapter 4 #not canon #ask me anything #self insert au #can you tell Iida is my fave lmao

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littlebodybi7heart · 4 years

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Im reposting again bc i actually kinda liked the way i looked huh

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hotgarbagedumpsterfire · 5 years

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monster ball ruview

i know that there are people out there who don’t like ru paul, or drag race, or the contestants for very valid reasons, but as someone who follows the show, i have got to get some stuff about the most recent episode off my chest. if that’s not your cup of tea, feel free to scroll past this post.

as someone who understands drag as a creative outlet for the expansion of gender expression, regardless of a performer’s gender identity off-stage, occasionally performs genderfuck monster drag, and takes halloween too damn seriously, i have some thoughts and feelings about things.

overall, i was disappointed, i expected more. while i understand the constraints that the contestants were working with, i know from the promo videos that most of the queens’ first time in drag was on halloween, so there’s really no excuse for showing up with sad costumes. for the first category, trampy trick or treat, my issue was with the contestants who wore costumes that weren’t instantly recognizable. there were at least two or three times where i had to wait for the judges to comment in order to understand what i was looking at, because certain costumes lacked elements that would have made the inspiration more obvious. for the second category, witch please, several of the contestants didn’t do much magic beyond pulling out a black dress. they didn’t look bad, but they didn’t give me witch realness either. they gave me more like someone who got a gown during a sale at hot topic. for the third category, Monster I’d Like to Freak Eleganza, the looks were lacking both in monstrosity and sex appeal. most of the contestants didn’t deliver any recognizable monster reference, and failed to appear, well, fuckable. personally, i would have gone for an eldrich horror inspired sort of look, maybe cthulhu with the tentacles and wings paired with something suggestive. anyway, thanks for letting me rant.

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lemonsandstrawberries · 6 years

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The Pitted Olive

fandom: Stony (Steve x Tony)

universe: Draq Queen!AU (Tony Stark as a drag queen)

summary: One of Steve’s favorite places in New York is a drag queen bar, where one day, he meets his queen.

length: 2 235 words

disclaimer: this fic is written strictly for entertainment. I am not a specialist on drag and my whole knowledge comes from mainstream media. if there is something you will find incorrect or offensive in any way, there is always an option to contact me and politely voice your thoughts instead of flaming. thanks!

a/n: the very first chapter! if you would like to read more of this fic, let me know, as this is still a work in progress. will have some references to Ru Paul’s Drag Race and the beginning is based on my very first contact with drag culture, which was a scene in Friends. hope you will enjoy the fic!

——————–

The Pitted Olive

(part 1, part 2, part 3)

It was a regular bar, with a regular bouncer standing outside, big, buffed and seemingly bored, and regular customers. From the outside, it didn't seem like anything special. A big sign with a neon and the name of the bar in a simple font embellished with a martini glass and an olive on a toothpick, flashing with purple, green and red did attract attention but wasn't anything special enough to attract the looking for adventures New Yorkers. Inside was inviting and warm, with round mahogany tables and comfortable chairs and a small lamp in the middle of every table. There were a bar and a stage with silver, glittery curtains, promising entertainment and a good time. It was a bar like many in New York. But late evenings, magic happened inside.

Steve's knee was bouncing in nervous excitement, not following the rhythm of the music seeping in the background, just pure nervousness dictating the rhythm. He had to be careful to not bash his leg on the underside of the table and cause the drinks to spill all over the red cloth. It wasn't his first visit to the bar. In fact, since the first time he stepped into The Olive, as regulars used to call it, he became a steady customer. A steady customer with a very good reason to keep coming back. A very good, embarrassing reason.

"Will you calm down?" Sam hissed, sitting at the other end of the table. The grip Steve had on an empty glass of Long Island Ice Tea was alarmingly tight and Sam began to worry that some accident involving shredded glass and blood might happen soon.

"Can't help it," Steve answered miserably, looking longingly at his wristwatch. Still, ten minutes remained. Why couldn't time go faster?

"Pathetic," Sam remarked, shaking his head at his friend's behavior. He knew Steve since forever and knew that the blond was usually better in control of his emotions. Just this place had such weird effect on him.

"Um, excuse me!" Steve called, stopping the walking past by waitress.

"Yes?"

"Is --- is she---"

The girl eyed Steve, nicely contoured lips curling into a smile. "Oh, honey, she is here. She is just getting ready for the show."

That calmed down Steve a little bit. The minutes before the show started were always killing him. "Thanks, Arrow," he answered, of course knowing the waitress' name. He knew all names of the employees of the Olive.

"Can I get you, boys, anything else?" Arrow asked, gently taking the empty glass from Steve's clutches and on putting it on the tray she was caring, a single strand of red hair slipping out of the green hood. Arrow's thing was fantasy looks. She rocked it in green cape going down to her nicely shaped butt, and a belt with big buckle was hugging her waist, bringing out the feminine shape of the body clad in a green leather suit.

"The same, please," Steve asked politely.

"And for you, sugar?"

Sam cleared his throat before answering, knocking his fist on the table. "Beer, please," he said, sounding an octave lower than usual.

Steve raised an eyebrow. He mouthed 'beer, really?' with an evilly happy smile and Sam clenched his teeth and gave a signal with his eyes to not push it. Despite being a regular like Steve was, Sam still had problems to order drinks with a straw and a small umbrella.

"Got some masculinity to prove there, pal?" Steve asked happily, just because he sometimes liked to tease his friend. Part of the being best friends deal.

"Steve," Sam warned.

"He will have the most vibrant and pink cocktail you have on the menu," Steve changed Sam's order, smiling gleefully at Arrow, who laughed in a voice deeper than she used to talk earlier.

"Hey," Arrow turned her blue eyes to Sam, deciding to jump on the torment Sam wagon. "Aren't you the one working at Mama's Little Bakery in downtown? The one with pink and frilly curtains in the windows?"

"HA!" Steve laughed, maybe a bit too loud, but the sound got lost in the already getting crowded room, and Sam's terrified look was just too priceless. Sam was someone Steve liked to call a closet baker, he could make the most amazing cakes, learning his whole life from his mom who was a master baker. It was obvious that one day he would take over the family business and continue to supply New York with delicious, homemade cupcakes and pastries.

"Beer, please," Sam repeated, his voice getting some squeakiness.

Arrow rolled her eyes and jutted her hip. "You're straight, I get it," she replied, walking away, her high heels clanking gently on the wooden floor.

"Damn straight, I am straight," Sam remarked in a low grumble, his eyes going to the bar area where Arrow was leaning and placing an order. "Straight as an uncooked spaghetti noodle…" he said, his voice losing its anger and getting a softer note that sounded a lot like longing when he watched a person behind the bar. Big, frilly dark hair, dark eye makeup, pink lips. She laughed hearing the order and started to prepare the drink for Steve first, moving smoothly and gracefully, the bright pink fur bolero and giant silver hoops in her ears, not constricting her movements in the slightest. Underneath the fur was a silver top with leopard print on spaghetti straps and knowing her, she had to wear small shorts and boots going way past her knees. Sam couldn't help but stare.

"You know, Sam, you could just go and talk to her," Steve advised gently, looking at his friend. "Under all that makeup, there is a regular person inside."

Sam turned his eyes away from the bartender and looked irritated at his friend.

"Really? You are the one to give me that kind of talk?" Sam asked, raising his eyebrows.

"I am just saying," Steve said, grinning a bit too broad, knowing that they were heading into a dangerous topic, and leaned closer, minimizing the distance between him and his friend, "the world changed, Sam. Masculinity and femininity are not that far apart anymore. And who would be better to talk about this than a drag queen?"

Did we mention earlier that The Pitted Olive was a drag queen bar?

Sam just frowned deeper and for a moment, Steve sensed the tension in the air. He almost backed away, knowing that it was better to give his friend plenty of time to process, when it was Sam who first loosened up and lowered his shoulders, seemingly accepting what he heard.

"You know what?" Sam started, no hostility in his voice. "I will go talk to Tootsie, if you go talk to your girl."

Steve blushed, hoping that it wasn't too obvious in the dim light of the bar. "That's different," he said weakly, fidgeting in his seat. It really was different.

"Well, under all that makeup there is a regular person inside," Sam smiled a bit too obvious when Steve sent him a dry look, "someone once told me that. Can't remember who. Sounds dumb anyway."

Steve laughed. Reverse psychology. How cute. The moment ended when Arrow walked over and placed their drinks on the table.

"Here you go, boys," she said, putting a fresh glass of Long Island Ice Tea in front of Steve and a mug of ale near Sam. Sam gagged a bit in panic, when in the white foam he saw a pink umbrella, standing tall and proud. At the reaction, Arrow smiled and walked away, not before winking at Steve.

"I think that's a sign," Steve hummed, sipping his drink with a satisfied smile. Sam tried to be discreet and looked in the bar area, but the girl was already occupied with serving more drinks. The show was almost starting and she had to serve everyone before, not to interrupt her sister.

"Ladies and gentleman, may I have your attention please!" came a voice from the intercom and the lights dimmed slowly, leaving a spotlight on the stage. Steve whipped around to face the stage and finally bashed his knee, but he couldn't care less about the pain, looking expectantly at the stage.

"Let's welcome the star of the evening, the sweetest and tastiest cake in town, Miss Red Velvet!"

Everyone started clapping to welcome the performer, but it was nothing in comparison to how rapidly Steve's heart started beating. Through the silver curtains showed a hand, and pushed the fabric open, letting it drape a bit over herself, and prolonging the moment. When the person walked out and to the middle of the stage accompanied by applause, Steve had to try hard to not stand up and start whistling.

She was stunning. Milky white skin, long dark silky hair flowing in a cascade down her shoulders and ending above a perfectly round rear. Steve knew that majority of the drag queens used pads to give their bodies more feminine shapes, but there was a rumor that Red Velvet wasn't one of them. She stood in the middle of the stage in a sparkly red gown hugging her hourglass figure and going down all the way to the floor, very probably hiding red heels underneath. A perfectly countered face and perfect dark eye make up showed nearly artistic skills. And those lips! Plump and red as cherries. Steve never saw Red Velvet in any other color than red, which was her trademark sign. She was absolutely gorgeous and Steve had been mesmerized since the first time he saw her on the stage.

"Hello everyone!" Red Velvet greeted the crown, smiling softly and charming. Her blue eyes scanned the crowd, which she could see perfectly thanks to the small lit lamps on every table. "I can see some new faces," she greeted the newcomers with positive energy, getting an overwhelming cheer in return as she waved and sent kisses. "And---" she continued, her eyes stopping on Steve's and Sam's table for two seconds longer than on everyone else, "--- some familiar faces."

Steve almost had a heart attack out of joy. The moment was magical, but before he could truly embrace it, Red Velvet took out the mic from the stand and began walking on the stage.

"I wrote a new song and would love to share it with you all," she said in her smooth, velvety voice, and Steve felt like melting. The crowd around him started to disappear and blend into the background. It was now only him and Red Velvet.

Red Velvet made some gesture with her hand and piano music started to seep, filling in the room and Steve's heart. Calming and soothing and sad. Red Velvet closed her eyes and started to sway her beautiful hips to the gentle music.

"This is the night I've been dreaming of forever. The mirror takes a look at my face. I'll never set foot in that rat hole again. But I'll drive to your place."

Steve watched and listened, adoring every word, every subtle gesture. The way light fell on her face and long eyelashes cast shadows on pale cheeks. Her voice was smooth and deep, but raspy on the edges, showing some masculinity. It was a beautiful mix.

"This is a habit I'm breaking now forever, I'm weary from trying to shake it, so when I ask if you don't give me your hand I'll take it. Right now!"

Red Velvet opened her eyes and reached her hand forward. Steve wanted to take it, to hold it, to kiss it. To be there for her at every moment.

And then it hit him.

There was no her.

Red Velvet was a part of someone else. Someone else Steve didn't know and probably would never have an occasion to meet. Everything he ever imagined about Red Velvet might not be true.

"It's funny now when I don't show up on Monday, they'll go nuts, and eat their hats, well, what do you think of that?"

Steve bit his lip, his thoughts spiraling deeper and deeper. His dream woman would remain a dream. But… underneath all that makeup was a regular person. Oh, the irony. He had to listen to his own advice after all.

"He says, you're throwing life away, to move with a girl like me, he's not blind, he just don't have a mind to see…"

The song ended on a sad note and Steve was back again, together with the crowd and clapping with everyone else. His mind cooled down and he felt that he could think more rationally, yet when Red Velvet smiled gratefully at the audience, his heart did that weird flip-flop thing he heard about only from the movies.

His heart was telling him one thing, while his mind was telling him something entirely different. It was a struggle to separate the voices and try to tell dreams and reality apart.

But why try to break something that went together hand in hand? He just had to say it. For his own sanity. It was hard, but he had to, to quiet his heart and mind.

"I am going to meet with her, Sam," Steve said, his eyes not leaving the person on the stage. Time to meet his dream and face the reality. And saying that Sam's face became one of a pure shock, was an understatement.

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song lyrics - A Man Like Me from The Futurist by Robert Downey Jr, slightly altered

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next part --->

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tag list

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@destiel-is-classic

#stony #steve rogers #tony stark #au #draq queen au #drag queen #fanfic #fanfiction #no tickling #maybe will appear later or not #who knows

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