#roommates didnt like me to have it on which is fair

[itsalwaysdark]

the connor room glowup (above is my washington room below is my now room ^_^)

[carp-esh-ove-lem]

having a roommate youre actually friends with is so weird

[h0ck3yl0v3r]

sparks fly

╰── ⋅ ⋅ ── ✩ ── ⋅ ⋅ ──╯

lh43 x childhood!bestfriend

warnings: none?!?!

she missed him, and he missed her. with hockey season starting he was a mess. they had gotten paired together for a project in their english class. it was awkward, none of them knowing what to say.

The way you move is like a full-on rainstorm

And I'm a house of cards

they sat in class trying to figure out the topic they should research about. still no words spoken, luke couldn’t help but admire her as she worked. the way her hair kept falling in front of her face, and how she bit the top of her pen from nerves, and the way her eyes were so beautiful.

And you stood there in front of me

Just close enough to touch

Close enough to hope you couldn't see

What I was thinking of

after an hour right before class ended, the two finally found a topic to research on. they settled on how miscommunication can affect ones life. ironic isnt it he thought.

“hey y/n” luke said trying to catch up the girl in a hurry to get back to her dorm.

“what do you want luke.” she said turning to look at the youngest hughes.

“i was wondering if maybe you’d wanna meet after my game, you don’t have to go to it but i figured itd be best if we talk and clear the air since we got paired together.” he said in one breath looking down at her looking for a response.

“okay.” thats all she said. “okay, ill text you after the game, bye y/n.” he said softly, “bye luke” she whispered softly watching him leave.

Drop everything now

Meet me in the pouring rain

Kiss me on the sidewalk

Take away the pain

tonight was a big game, the game against msu. yost was packed, luke was in the locker rooms trying to prepare himself for the game but all he could think about was the one girl who truly made him happy that he hurt. as for her, she was finding her way through yost being dragged out of her dorm by her roommate who was dating one of the players.

as the team skated out for warm ups all the girl could think about was when she’d always attend lukes games, how cute he was in his element, how passionate and focused he is once he hits the ice. she couldnt help but notice how the lighting brought out his green eyes, and how his small smile still has a hold on her.

'Cause I see sparks fly whenever you smile

Get me with those green eyes, baby, as the lights go down

Give me something that'll haunt me when you're not around

the game ended well, umich winning and luke scoring a hat trick, during his third goal in the third period he finally saw you, pointing at you during his celly. your heart melted at that, almost forgetting entirely about why you were mad at him.

My mind forgets to remind me

You're a bad idea

luke quickly finished changing back into his normal attire as you waited for him outside the locker rooms.

once he came out he gave you a small smile which you did the same back.

“care to go for a little walk m’lady?” he said and you couldn’t help but laugh and nod.

you guys walked in a comfortable silence before taking a break on a bench near his dorm.

“congrats by the way, you did amazing tonight.” you said looking up at him a d he smiled whispering a soft thank you.

“i know i said i wanted to talk to clear the air because of the project but it’s more than that.” he said and you nodded for him to continue “im sorry for everything, truly. i miss you so much it physically hurts and i know its not fair the way i treated you, i don’t expect you to forgive me but i just want you to hear my side of the story. i pushed you away because i thought you deserved someone better, someone who could be there all the time, and to have someone you wont have to worry about having to leave one day and do long distance. but in reality i did it to protect myself, because im in love with you, and i didnt want to have to face losing my best friend, or the heartbreak of when i have to leave for the pro’s but i realize now all i want is you, my whole life, its been you.” his voice cracking and leg bouncing from anxiety. you placed your hand on his knee softly rubbing it to comfort him. “lu, i thought you didn’t like me because you became so distant and went after so many other girls, so i never said anything to protect myself, i was so in love with you, the night i left i had cried to quinny, i thought i never had a chance so i pushed myself away too. but im still so in love with you, no matter how much i try to push it away” you said softly as he cupped your face caressing it softly, “i thought you knew, i gave so many hints” and you looked at him confused, “remember all times in high school when guys tried to hit on you and i immediately scared him away, or whenever id call you after a bad game, or when all i ever wanted was to be with you so i came over for like three days, holding your hand or cuddling watching movies that it came to a point my mom had to drag me back home. i thought you knew.” he said tears now falling softly down both of your faces. “im so sorry lu, i never picked up on any of that, i thought it was just because we were best friends.” he wiped your tears away “we were always more than best friends, so much for miscommunication huh? we better get an A on that project” he joked and you couldn’t help but crack a smile and laugh. and as the clouds began crying too, for the first time luke hughes kissed you. the most soft passionate kiss ever. “i love you.” he said pulling away resting his forehead on yours “i love you luke hughes.”

And the sparks fly

-

taglist: @drysdalesv @shy4turcs @ghostfacd @jackquinnswife

[cyberdragoninfinity]

Hello! I hope you have a great day, and that I'm not bothering you! But, I was wondering, How would Lyman Banner fit into the college AU? And In general, What do you think of him?

Aw, thanks!!! I hope you have a good day too :^) It's never a bother to chatter about my many AUs, hehehehe

Professor Banner is a bit of a weird case in College AU (i guess to be fair he's a weird case in canon too lol); he WAS Jaden's academic advisor for his freshman and sophomore year, and they had a sort of odd friendship; Jaden even got to catsit Pharaoh a couple times (based off my true life experience of my old roommate who once dogsat our art history professor's shelties.) But then like midway into Jaden's junior year Banner fucking DIED unexpectedly, and now the effects of his presence still linger around Jaden like a ghost. Her and ended up leaving Jay a bunch of academic books on alchemy and art that are still sitting somewhere in his bedroom (Yubel likes thumbing through them.) He also got the cat :) (Though Jaden's been a bit dodgy about whether or not he was Ieft Pharaoh in some sort of will along with the books, of if he just stole Pharaoh so he wouldn't get surrendered to the pound. Either way!)

Lyman Banner is like.... for me he's one of those yugioh characters that for whatever reason doesn't quite scratch my brain the way most others do, but I DO think he's got some fun stuff going on with him. Amnael is cool, I like his design elements more in that state, and in general Banner's just such an Absolute Fucking Bonkers Character i have to respect it. Like you get hit the Yugioh Homunculus lore and then you just keep getting kicked in the head with more insane details about him. He talks like a catboy. He really straight up died and his cat ate his ghost and now he haunts a teenager and that's just part of Jaden's life now I guess??!??!?! I wish he didnt Sound Like That in the dub. "Lyman" is one of the most yugioh dub name choices of all time. He needs to lose his teaching license real real bad.

I've never actually drawn him before! So this was a nice chance to take a crack at him since now I'm thinkin about him :^) He has what I like to call "Dartz bangs" which is one of my favorite ygo character design traits, so that's a treat to draw <3

[fictionkinfessions]

yknow ive been thinkin lately. like ive been getting back into phighting, which is fine, great game, but that DOES mean ive been actually remembering Hey wait a minute im literally subspace phighting isnt that neat. WHICH LIKE IT IS. IT IS NEAT. i guess. UNTIL i Remember ☝ the Horrors. you get it. anyway im sickkkk and tireddd of people treating me like an irredeemable villain like yesss ive done bad things i will not deny that.

but im going to be so honest with you all. i did not start that fight with medkit. least not in My source. taking his eye was self defense, which i KNOW sounds crazy in the context of canon, but my source was pretty different so you just gotta trust me on that one. i was an unhinged guy yeah but i didnt start hurting people until i started literally slowly dying. that bastard called me into his lab, pinned me down, injected me with fuck knows what, and next thing you know im like a walking corpse growing crystals and rotting everywhere. i think taking out an eye is fair game for giving me a death sentance for the crime of... what, being fucking annoying in the same area as him, i guess? right right sure, THANKS, MEDDY, for all your WONDEROUS conclusions. really doin whats best for the world over here. [if you cant tell, thats extreme sarcasm.]

to be fair to the community after that i did in fact do all those things /j. like i did in fact do freak experiments and shit. im not gonna deny that i did have the worlds worst downwards spiral into Near insanity and i think the only things that stopped me from genuinely losing myself were my kids [hi to every biograft i miss you] and my. roommate/life partner [hi hyperlaser my dear i miss you too] so. yknow. you understand you get it

- sorry this got long. subspace, phighting! (partial) introject. (#♦🧪)

be

[toonfinch]

this is all i will be saying about the matter because this is stupid as fuck. its a bit long but its mostly for me, not for others to read. but feel free to.

i deleted my post on r/badroommates because i got sick of arguing with idiots online and havent responded to anything because reddit temp banned me for calling myself slurs im allowed to say lmao. im gay and trans. this will go on reddit when i am unbanned. for now it stays here.

i am paying rent, i owe my roommate, u/azzyisjazzy zero dollars. he did cover two months for me because i lost my job and struggled to find a new one, then when i did it lasted like a month because the temp agency ran out of work for me to do. he knows this btw hes just a liar. he heard the phone call because it was on speaker. but i paid him back completely and have paid our most recent bills with zero issue. i am literally at work while writing this. i am on track to make rent just fine. when i said i have $10 its because i had to buy warm weather clothes because i have none. its been hot.

the way he describes my suicidal ideation is making everyone think i do this repeatedly, i did it once. on my tumblr blog, i was not thinking about how it may hurt people, when azzyisjazzy and his friend, u/dizzy_elk_6491 and my friend all had a conversation about it, nobody acted concerned, azzyisjazzy only told me that if i were to actually hurt myself and he never reported it he may lose his job. he was never concerned about me lol. either way, i realized that watching people be suicidal is stressful and i also didnt want to be forcibly hospitalized so i nuked my blog so i can vent safely. i am not suicidal at all and havent been for a while, by the way. interestingly, current roommates friend dizzy_elk_6491 has threatened suicide when things didnt go his way before. he threatened suicide when my friend wanted to break up with him. later my friend found out that dizzy_elk_6491 had been lying about his boundaries in order to keep my friend in a relationship. he did not ignore boundaries whatsoever, there were none said. also, they were literally stupid teenagers.

azzyisjazzy was cool with sharing groceries until suddenly he wasnt, i did not have enough money at the time to also buy the same amount of things he was. we literally went shopping together several times and he told me to pick things out so obviously i thought it was fine? he just sucks at telling people when hes bothered. if he didnt suddenly lock the fridge just as i got a decent job (i was saving up money to pay him back for everything, i still could not afford a substantial amount of groceries) then id have replaced everything i ate. which was like....eggs and milk and coffee. i was mostly eating my own food lol. he ruined all the food i had in the fridge at the time which probably comes out to the amount i owe him for what i ate so ill call that fair.

i do not have bipolar disorder, i do not know where anyone involved got this information. i was on lithium, but it made me worse. gave me worse anxiety and made my eyeballs twitch. not exactly a medication that works. i tried several medications that did not work. i was also accused several times by past roommate, u/finchsexroomate and their friends that i have borderline personality disorder. i thought i might but several doctors told me otherwise. so far the only mental issues im pretty sure i have is major depressive disorder, autism, anxiety, and ocd.

intensive outpatient therapy also did not work, i was having panic attacks every morning because it was not the type of therapy i require.

currently working on getting insurance so i can get trazodone, which works. because i am diagnosed for major depressive disorder. the doctors asked me the pointed questions clearly about bipolar disorder but i dont have manic and depressive episodes. on the other hand, azzyisjazzy has said he is manic. maybe he meant it in a quirky way, but whatever.

i...didnt get mad at azzyisjazzy and his friends for not learning sign language? i dont know asl. i brought it up once or twice as a "wouldnt it be cool if we all learned together" situation, because im deaf and my hearing gets worse monthly. the only sign i was aware anyone knew was when azzyisjazzy and dizzy_elk_6491 said something that contained the words "eat orange" at each other over and over. that doesnt exactly indicate to me they are at a conversational level. either way, i was not "expecting them to communicate in a language i do not speak" lol.

i never threatened a damn thing about the dog. i said she was stressing me out so bad she was triggering my ocd. ocd can cause intrusive violent thoughts. they are not desires, they are based on things you DONT want to do. they are INTRUSIVE. i felt unsafe because the thoughts were so distressing and i could not banish them from my brain. the fact that azzyisjazzy is graduating from nursing school and doesnt understand this is concerning. i thought i biked over a snake this morning and started crying before i saw it move. i threw it in someones yard so it wouldnt get run over. i don't even like hurting bugs. i got mad at azzyisjazzy for making jokes about killing crickets in the house. maybe i am sensitive, sure, judge me how you please. but that doesnt exactly indicate an animal abuser does it?

also, me being a furry and objectumsexual (attraction to objects) has literally nothing to do with anything. its funny, because my azzyisjazzy has told me he pretends to be a dog during sex multiple times. also, he is a furry. or at least was. his fursona is/was a deer. not judging, obviously, its just hypocritical. is it weird? YES. is it harmful? NO. on top of this, azzyisjazzy had me walk the dog a few times after i had said those things. clearly he was not very concerned then. im sure he knows better and is just making shit up to hurt me.

now i don't remember much about my previous living situation with finchsexroomate because i was traumatized and the order of events and details are all mixed up and blurry. i moved in because i was in a motel with my drunk father and (thankfully normal) brother for two years. i was being paid to take care of them, but i wasnt equipped to do so because of my mental health issues. that were being exacerbated by finchsexroomate's reactions to my tone of voice...or something? they would react in ways that freaked me out like getting an attitude or yelling at me. i didnt react well to this which was entirely my fault, causing arguments. this happened a lot. idk why its so hard for anyone involved to understand that we simply did not mesh well together. azzyisjazzy and finchsexroomate have very similar communication styles, or lackthereof. it makes sense why i dont get along with both of them. they suck at communicating boundaries.

it took finchsexroomate months to tell me my tone of voice was upsetting them. they also think i was frequently stewing in anger next to them to hurt them when maybe i was a little annoyed at something and not putting in a ton of effort to look cheery while like...watching tv. or something. every time there was an incident like this, me moving elsewhere was brought up. i was living in a motel for two years before this. you have to be literally stupid to think its easy to find anywhere to live in this economy. obviously did not react well to this and yes it triggered suicidal episodes. but im not unstable if my housing and food and such else is taken care of. now that i have a stable job and can afford everything i need i am perfectly fine. just a bit stressed.

for some reason finchsexroomate thinks i was in love with them and trying to drive a wedge between them and their husband? lol? i said their husband was hot like twice. hes a hairy bear? come on now. theyre just being freaks because im polyamorous. if i had a crush on either of them theyd know, because that is something i hate keeping inside even if i know telling someone will go nowhere.

our living together ended when one night we were watching tv and somehow the topic of my date the next day came up, and finchsexroomate reminded me that our other roommates who would normally take over care when i am gone would also be leaving, so i didnt want to leave them in the house alone or worry about what time i had to be home since i would not be the one driving. i announced id reschedule my date and this upset finchsexroomate so bad that they started yelling at me. i only remember the part where they started yelling fuck you over and over again after i was like dude. its like fucking midnight. we can deal with this tomorrow. their reaction freaked me the fuck out and i did what everyones demonizing me for.....taking the torch we smoked dabs with and brushing it on my wrist for less than half a second, turning it off, and putting it on the table. and then sitting there. finchsexroomate was more at risk of burning the house down than me because i saw them drop the torch while it was still spewing flames twice, and they told me it happened once while i was not there. lol. was my reaction smart? no. did i "try to burn the house down with people inside"? no.

last thing about them, after they kicked me out and gave me zero chance to grab any of my belongings forcing me to pay an exorbitant amount of money for shipping that i could not afford, i said fuck it. they dont deserve my money after all of this. its not like i could just fucking drop almost $800 on it. later when the hurt started to go away i decided id put aside money and then give it all back when ive collected enough, but um. not doing that now lmao.

between then and now i was living with people my dad knew. one of them regularly assumed everything in the house was my fault such as leaving hard water spots on dishes and several times the freezer door was left open (not by me) so he tried attacking me about it and had to be held back by two people. this happened twice. i was also threatened by one of the residents because he was abusive to his girlfriend and i almost pepper sprayed him about it. it got to the point where i had to get a motel room a second time to avoid being hurt. and of course after this is when azzyisjazzy and i started talking.

anyway back to the present. azzyisjazzy thinks i was...listening to him and his bf my first night here just bc i was quiet? i thought they knew i was here lol. i literally cannot eavesdrop. i can hear loud talking and music and dog barking and dog nails on hardwood in my room. sometimes i can hear noises but that doesnt mean i understand what the noises are. at this point im convinced everyone thinks im faking my deafness. do i need to show everyone how scarred my ear drum is? that also has a hole in it?

and i guess this all got worse because i chose to stop being very close friends with all of azzyisjazzys friends. they were a lot of energy. i avoided them a lot because my idea of a good time is being quiet and doing a task together or watching tv or going to the park to look at critters and plants or something. i still tried, i was an audience to their musicals in the kitchen. and hung out when i was able to handle their energy, which was rare. azzyisjazzy thinks i was avoiding his show because i hated him when in reality i was busy with things i felt were more important such as my friend's mental health. azzyisjazzy even told me it was fine and that he understood. i also felt that none of them liked me very much anyway, so i just kind of stopped trying. i know one of them hated me because i got mad at him for making kill all furries jokes in the discord server we were in, and several times after that he would criticize my friends and i for stupid bullshit like putting in the announcements channel to not put chunks of food in the sink that does not have a garbage disposal in it.

the reason there are horses all over my walls is because azzyisjazzy heard gunshots and we were discussing whether or not we should call the cops in the discord server. my friend and i said no because theres no way to prove which direction it came from so on top of the cops not being able to do anything, we have black neighbors that might be questioned. furry hater guy said what does their race have to do with this and i dont remember what i said after it but he sent a horse emoji which is a reference to the meme of a horse standing at the sea with the caption "MAN" and i felt it inappropriate so i muted him for 10 minutes.

so the time my friend told someone to kill themselves? he had almost gotten hit by a car, and said "kill yourself for real" about the driver. furry hater guy got mad at this and said no suicide jokes. i misinterpreted it as another baseless criticism and told him to shut up. i was wrong for this and apologized, and later decided to just leave the server because i wasnt having fun in it anyway.

idk where to place these things in this giant block of text so theyre going at the end my friend and i used the dining room table to do crafts which is why azzyisjazzy bike locked the chairs. okay...ill just get my own i guess? he has threatened to put cameras up in the house which i am fairly certain is illegal because i do not consent and it would violate a reasonable expectation of privacy in the state of Missouri. also azzyisjazzy and i both agreed that nudity is not an issue, and when i am alone in the house sometimes i dont have a shirt on. i am a trans man, i have tits. that's inappropriate and once again im fairly certain that is illegal. missouri is a one party consent state so the only circumstance where recording me would be okay is if one of whoever is in the video or audio consents, such as if azzyisjazzy and i had a conversation. he could be the one to consent. but he doesn't say use his big boy words at me anymore so that wont happen. weve said a total of maybe 5 words to each other in the last month. i text him sometimes and he pretends not to see it but i know he does because he thinks me telling him his post got removed was bragging that i reported it. maybe my friends did? i dont control them. lmao.

hes also told my friends that me simply living here is an "escalation" and that if i continue to live here "things will get worse for me" those are threats. genuinely convinced that he knows a lot of what he is saying is made the fuck up or stretched truths just so "things will get worse"

btw, im not the one abusing the dog. she gets one walk a day and is barely played with because of how much azzyisjazzy works. all she does is sleep all day and bark out the window and piss on the couch and the floor and chew up shit azzyisjazzy leaves around the house, like a plastic tape dispenser. those plastic shards might be inside her stomach, by the way. that can and has killed dogs. many times.

i dont know what else to say. this is getting way too long. i certainly feel better after writing it though.

i may or may not respond to comments. i dont really feel like proving myself to a bunch of redditors, but considering these lies might follow me around for a while especially because finchsexroomate posted my FACE????? glad i look extremely different now (thanks hrt) and was wearing a mask lol. what sort of fucking insane behavior. i kind of wanted to post webcomics online, so i felt it necessary to do a bit of damage control. of course, all sides to this is mostly he said she said, so this only helps so much. but i said my truth, and ill stand by it. omission of details is because i forgot. this has been all over the last two years. my memory is shot because i got covid the first time i was in the motel and the repeated trauma hasnt helped. if someone brings up a good point i will respond to it.

anyway. ill move out when im able to. get the fuck over it.

good fucking lord.

im going to go do literally anything else more productive than this. get a new hobby. make a fursona and maybe youll feel better. fucking weirdos

[fappellmoan]

saw the octoberish situationship today and instead of just pretending i didnt see them (which ok was made difficult by the fact that i made eye contact w them at the last second) or their roommate i did a little smile wave moment and when the roommate looked over i said ‘hey hows it goin’ and kept my headphones on and looked forward and crossed the street and to be fair he like awkward smiled into a laugh so then sure i felt weird but i think like honestly its just not that serious to me you know like i sent a very nice genuine apology text to them out of the kindness of my heart i have nothing to feel odd about yk. like they couldve fucked me too if they didnt make it weird im not the only weird one here. also did i ever mention that they never once showed up in my dreams meanwhile i still occasionally have ones ft film girl. thats more a character failure on my part than theirs i guess but um. yeah. like the homoerotic middle/high school friendship still has dream storylines on occasion so its rlly like the trauma of the situation sticking w me. so like really it was nothing and i spent hours editing after that and did not think abt it till now but like. i wish i was not surrounded by people who have to make the Weirdest situations. am i the problem? no.

[starchildlilly]

people pleaser

since as long as i can kind of recall, ive always been a people pleaser.

does x feel ok? does y want to do this? am i doing something that makes z feel upset?

generally, its fine, i like to look out for my friends since mostly, theyll look out for me too. dog eat dog world, to put it into words.

but, the past few weeks have been, interesting.

irl friends from college have stopped talking to me unless i pester them about going to do something, and even then theyll just talk amongst themselves.

those same friends will also flake on plans, leave messages unopened for days, even weeks, or make up excuses which could be true if they didnt post publically about what they actually did instead.

my old roommate doesnt look at me anymore. i wanted to be friends with him, i really did, but he didnt respect me then and he doesnt want to acknowledge my existence now.

a fair few friends online have flaked out on plans when ive been away for months at college. and when we do have time to play a game together, and i have something that comes up which i cant control, sometimes theyll completely have moved on from what we were doing before into something i cant and

it feels like a void.

i dont want to acknowledge that the void exists since then i have to deal with the fact it does.

but is it worth it to gaslight myself into believing everythings ok, even though it really, really isnt?

im starting to come to terms with the fact that for a long, long while, ive been running on empty.

i read a post about people who seem really chill, disappear for a few days, then come back like nothing happened saying "oh i just needed a few days",

that theyre barely running at a functional level but its all theyve ever known,

maybe i just need a few days

i should get some rest.

[omgwhatimneurospicy]

Chipotle, Age 20

CC: Heather B & Mandy F

This is a random one. Many pieces of my life are making more sense under the lease of autism, but especially the challenges in my social life.

When I was 20 at Vanguard University, I had probably the most obnoxiously terrifying roommate who I'm pretty sure had BPD. I don't remember what she was freaking out about, but I shut down and just didnt even have any emotions or words to give her as she followed me around to scream at me about... maybe the fact that I was hanging out with her friends without her? Or I know! ha - that's a whole other story for next time.

I reached out to my university for a no contact order and help finding a room on campus. While they were looking for a room for me, I stayed in different friends' dorms.

You can imagine I was under a lot of stress. I had some episodes of psychosis a week or so prior (which I thought were just some ghostly visits at the time), so I was IN an autistic burnout.

I took turns between staying at Heather's dorm and Mandy's dorm. I was really doing my best to keep up in class and to show my friends how grateful I was for a place to stay. It was not easy to go 4-5 days sleeping on dorm room floors.

I have some memories of going out to Chipotle with Heather and Mandy, paying for Heather's dinner without really thinking about it.

I then remember getting a phone call from my parents, who told me that a they were splitting up.

The rest tis a bit fuzzy, but I remember being in my new dorm room, just completely burnt out in every single way. I just wanted to feel safe and at ease so badly, but safety was nowhere to be found.

I remember heather and Mandy saying they needed to talk to me, and I told them that I don't have the bandwidth for that right now, but I can talk to them tomorrow.

I remember Mandy either telling me something snarky like, we've been here for you, now you don't want to listen to us? Or maybe it was just a "k"? I don't remember.

Whatever she said, I went against my better judgement to go hear what they had to say.

It was so ridiculous.

Mandy was mad I paid for Heather's Chipotle but not hers.

Heather was mad I was tidier when I stayed in Mandy's room than I was in her room.

I literally felt like I was living in a twilight zone, because who the fuck cares? I guess neurotypical people do.

I remember Mandy being upset that I was drinking and reporting me at some point.

I remember leaving Vanguard shortly after that. I remember moving back to Costa Mesa a few months later, without going to school.

I remember Heather saying she was sorry and that it wasn't fair for her to treat me like that at another point.

But I also remember hearing her on the phone with her fiancé who thought I was a bad influence. And then I remember when she dropped out of school too.

I didn't care much about my friendship with Mandy, but I was sad when I lost my friendship with Heather.

I would think about her from time to time, especially when visiting my dad in AZ. Sometimes I just wanted to know what I did.

I've always wondered what went wrong, but now it's just so obviously a tragic story of a neurotypical & neurodivergent friendship.

My friendship with Heather was short-lived, so it's not really a traumatizing loss on its own, but at the time, when I felt like all I'd do was fuck up friendships and not know why, it really was so painful.

I'm not sure why this is the one I'm bringing up today. I have so many other, bigger, more dramatic things. But I suppose this is a way to ease myself in as I unpack it all.

[mostlymalena]

June 14th 2024 6:12pm

Hello friends and fans and family and foe.

This will be an update about Ava so big ole post. I'll try my best to tell this in an entertaining way. I'll write it like I expereinced it.

I met Ava back in 2021 because her roommate and best friend at the time, Becca, had just begun dating Josh. Yes, Josh as in best friends and roommates AND bandmate of Hugh who was my boyfriend at the time. When I find out Hugh cheated on me I get told that him and Ava are snapchatting a lot and Ava tells me that Hugh wants her and wants to hookup but she rejected him bc she is on my side. Anyways when I was going through the court stuff with Hugh because I posted about what he put me through and he said "hey not fair!", she took their side (this comes back around later I promise) and posted about me on her social media calling me a liar and saying I was never abused blah blah. Good for her for being loyal.

Fast forward to 2023, she see's me at blue post bc of course you would and comes up to me and profusely apologizes for taking their side and that she believed me this whole time and I tell her its chill no big deal and she then post me on her story which ruffles some feathers but I don't really care bc when do I ever.

Anyways, she is dating this girl Paige at the time (still 2023) and Paige's father get's really really sick. When he is close to passing away Ava's father very suddenly dies and it's very very shocking for her and her family. So of course Ava is destroyed and a lot of her friends rally to support her. Now I'm not sure when but close to when her dad died Paige cheats on Ava so we all once again rally for Ava and it's fuck Paige. Paige's father dies during this as well. Lot's of emotions.

During this time me and Ava are getting closer - I bond with her over losing a parent as I have lost my mother. Also to note I never fully attach to Ava bc she is well, she was just always in some kind of tizzy with someone and it seems to never be her fault. I mean something was ALWAYS happening to her.

Near thanksgiving time she tells me and everyone that her mother has committed suicide. Now this is when her and I really bond because I lost Emma 6 months prior to just that and I also lost my mother. So! Her and I grow closer and start hanging out outside of just seeing each other at the bars. No one had any reason to not believe her bc who tf would lie about that!! She also reached out for support several times over her father passing. During thanksgiving she even went home and posted pics of her mom's house and captioned it with stuff like "it looks the exact same since she left". She also got support about the struggle of having to clean her parents house out and how she is avoiding it bc its too hard.

Fast forward to when Grace and I start talking again. Grace and Ava had already been friends before G and I reconnected and Ava had made it clear in more than one way that she was interested in more than friends with Grace. Obvi this was brought up when G and I reconnected but Ava had made SURE to make it clear with me that she knows me and G are together and she would never pursue. Grace also sent Ava a very brute and CLEAR text which I READ MYSELF that she ONLY sees ava as a friend and there will never be anything more than friendship between them. Ava was asking Grace to hang out so much that Grace got a weird feeling and didnt wanna lead ava one or make things unclear. Ava also says that Paige is always hitting her up and showing up to her house and it's just played off as ex girlfriend drama. Wait I have a screenshot I know it

Around this time Ava is also served with a FUCKING RESTRAINING ORDER from Paige. And makes a complete joke about it. Won't show anyone the papers. Now IVE BEEN THROUGH THIS!!! So I fucking tell her what to do, like go to court and provide evidence that you are not stalking her. She does not go to court. So if you don't show up to defend yourself.. the restraining order is automatically granted. Ava "not knowing this" texts Paige on the year anniversary of her father's death and Paige calls the cops on Ava for breaking the restraining order. Ava is ARRESTED and goes to JAIL. She calls Reese (her best friend) to bail her out and Reese gets a bondsman and pays for Ava to get out. We feel bad bc Ava is like "I don't have parents to bail me out"," I don't have parents to teach me how to be an adult". so like duh she is right.

Now court is set for a couple weeks later because Ava has to see if she is going to go to actual jail for a couple months for breaking the restringing order. She hires a lawyer and me, Reese, grace, and a couple other friends go to the court room with her to support her. This happens the DAY AFTER I GET HOME FROM A TEN DAY TRIP IN ITALY. Reminder Grace and I broke up for a solid 5 days before a couple days into my Italy trip. Well Ava helped her fucking self to try and get with Grace while I was in Italy (grace rejected her) but was texting me she missed me while I was gone and was hoping I had a good trip yada yada. So already my hackles were fucking raised. I mean all the while I had a sense that Ava wanted to fuck Grace which I have expressed to Grace before lmao.

Back to all of us sitting in court:

Paige signs a paper from Ava's lawyer dismissing the call and whatever so Ava does not have to go to jail. We all celebrate and Grace post something about Ava on her story. Some girl who is Paige's friend slides up and says "If you knew the whole story you would not be supporting Ava. Ask her about her dead mom".

Now Grace and I don't know what to do with that info but we kinda decide to keep Ava at arm's length for now. She also was just always chaotic and being crazy and what not. She gets fired for picking fights with some girl at her work two days after the court win and I tell her maybe me her and Reese should sit down and make a plan for her life to get her back on track. All she does is smoke weed and get fucked up on the weekends. May 26th 2024 I realize I have not heard from her since the night before. I check her local and it's off and call and text her. No answer. I start freaking out. THEN. I get this TEXT. From a number I dont know and it's green.

So I freak the fuck out. I call Reese and we decide to go to her apartment. The door is unlocked and she isnt home but her cat is. We call the local hospitals admission offices and check if she has been admitted. Nothing.

Ava finally calls Reese and tells us she had bad thoughts and checked herself into the hospital the night before. We are all relieved but also upset she didnt text anyone at all. We tell her about the random number and she loses it and gets so upset. Telling me she is so sorry. Here are some text from that convo:

This random number starts texting Gracie and Ava's other friends terrible things like I wish she had died and shit like that. So we are all reeling from that and worried and shit. Ava and Jo graduate college so we go downtown and celebrate. Ava wears her cap and gown and seems happy.

Fast forward to June 2nd 2024. I get a call from Reese 1 hour before I'm set to pick up Ava for a Pride event at Hi-Wire.

Reese tells me a couple days prior they went to Brunch (her and Ava) to a spot where Ava wanted to go bc she knew a waitress there. Well they eat and another waitress recognizes Ava bc they know or are friends with Paige and tells Ava's waitress that Ava lied about her mom killing herself. From what I remember this waitress straight up asked Ava why people are saying she lied about it and Ava blames it on Paige trying to cause drama and shit.

Well Reese being the smartest bitch on the planet looks into it. Cannot find an obituary for Ava's mom OR dad. What does she find: HER MOTHERS INSTAGRAM. Which has a RECENT POST. AS IN 3 DAYS RECENT. Her mother is very much alive and well and paints and sells antiques. Reese and I lose it. Ethan is with me when I get all this info and me and Ethan look into it bc Reese and now I don't believe her father is dead either. Time is up, so I pick up Ava and pretend all is well and we go to Pride. Ava tells me Reese is mad at her and she thinks it's bc of some drama at her old job blah blah. I keep quiet bc I know lmao.

That night I tell the jester's chat (all my friends) and Adam being a sleuth. FINDS AVA'S DAD. Ava's dad who is also alive and well is using his retirement to be the CEO of a non-profit that builds homes for unhoused people and gets them back on their feet. So I tell Reese all this and Reese and I decide that I'm going to call and confront Ava about it all. So I do. Ava does not answer and her local is off and she wont answer texts for a long time. I get nervous she offed herself again so I do a wellness check on her. She texts me after the cops leave her house and I told her we need to talk ASAP. She calls me. And I record the convo. You can listen below just wait about 20 seconds after you click play and you will hear me say hello.

Anyways. She admits her mother is alive but insist her father is dead. bc of this I decide to post publicly and here is why:

I know Ava very well and she manipulates situations and so I wanted to get ahead of this before she tried to tell people I was a liar and crazy

Ava lied to SO MANY PEOPLE SO MANY. I feel like lies to this degree that led to people giving her money, opening up about their trauma, giving her breaks, need to be exposed.

I have no idea how she would react to this so really I just wanted to make sure Reese and I's story was accurately portrayed which is why this blog post is needed for my sanity.

I posted it on my story and got a slew of DM's of course. I answered everyone's questions and sent my evidence to those who asked.

Reese and I don't want Ava to kill herself bc she goes ghost so I call Ava's mother whose phone number is attached to her insta and record that convo as well. I just tell her mother what has happened and that Ava will need a lot of support right now. She tells me her father is alive and they are still happily married. Ava's mother told me that Claire and Paige called her the day before and that it was not a good convo but thats all the details I got from that bc it was not my place to ask.

After posting I got a call from a girl, who legit 3 years ago copied my heart sleeve as a half sleeve and I told her that wasnt chill and that was legit it. I have not thought of her since then and never spoke about her lmao. Well she has been wanting to reach out to me and apologize for how she handled the situation and ava told her not to reach out to me.

I called her back and she told me more details and also told me about how she told her that she is just my friend bc of my "social status" in wilmy whatever the fuck that means and that she never believed me about the Freedrink/Hugh stuff. AND GET THIS LMAO. Also told me that Ava is OBSESSED WITH MY GIRLFRIEND and was constantly telling her that Grace always asks to hangout and that grace is obsseseedd with her and that Ava is just waiting for us to break up so Ava gets her chance and would constantly talk about me and Paige whenever they hung out. Me and this girl are super chill now.

I called and told Reese this and Reese confirmed that Ava also told her she never believed my Freedrinks stuff and that Ava was constantly talking about Grace and wanting her. Claiming all these people including my fucking girlfriend are obsessed with her (her as in Ava)

I got a bout 104723502358 dms about all the same stuff. Paige figured out Ava was lying and thats why she got a restraining order and so I do want to publicly apologize for being on the wrong side of the court room. That was fucked up and I was wrong. 

Ava's mother also told me that AVA DID NOT GRADUATE COLLEGE LMAO. That she has to take summer classes and maybe some more next semester. SO SHE FAKED GRADUATING COLLEGE.

Ava reactivated her insta recently, blocked me instantly, didnt block MY GIRLFRIEND and posted on her close friends that she added Grace to and said "wilmy is full of lying bitches". So now here it is all laid out. 

The End. 

[bubsub69]

Entry 5

21/05/2023 15:00

FUCK

FUCK THIS FUCKING SHIT IT FUCKING HAPPENED SHES DONE WITH ME SHE THREW OUT THE TRASH SHES GOTTEN SICK OF THE ANNOYING PIECE OF SHIT THAT KEPT FUCKING BOTHERING HER BECAUSE I COULDNT KEEP MY DISGUSTING FUCKING MOUTH CLOSED.

after asking about moving on thursday i asked if she was free yesterday (saturday) and i asked again today. and i guess i finally depleted her patience she kicked me to the curb like the filth that i am

"Tonic by I’ll be unpacking - my roommate decided she wanted to get living alone so I have to move into my ex’s guest room 😭. Which means I’m going to put domming on hold till I have my own place!"

guess thats her way of making me leave her alone, guess ill have to stop being a nuisance to her, i probably wouldve prefered honestly but i guess i dont deserve that, she probably has the experience of giving said honesty and having the other person freak out, i guess its fair, maybe i would freak out like the little shit that i am.

she is saying she is excited for her own place but i doubt she'll even remember me by that time, gonna be one of the many losers she had to dump but i guess if she finally texts firsts saying she's gonna get her own place hopefully ill at least lose my anxiety with her.

i even started trying to talk to other doms on fetlife cause i was losing hope but i didnt expect finally being cutoff to hurt this much, had to hold a lot of tears at grandmas house and while doing cafe chores. well back to trying to find someone thatll settle for a piece of shit like me, after holding her puke from seeing my face and not minding that im the least interesting person in the world with no hobbies and that has no communications skills and is probably too shitty at giving affection but expects to receive it back, maybe thats karma for trying to find someone else and locking myself up with another keyholder, guess thats what i get for trying to talk to many people at once and not just being patient

even the keyholder has ignored my problem of not having the wheel working but oh well shes probably even busier considering shes a mod on chaster and also manages a whole ass discord of.. wow i just checked 500+ people, not everyone is locked probably but fuck me thats a lot more than i thought

hopefully i can move on and not cry everytime i look at telegram, just the first of many future painful "breakups" until i find someone thatll settle, or who knows maybe i dont deserve to be a burden on someon else

sorry for the edgy entry i just, i really thought i had a shot with her, i might still have but this was such a punch in the gut, hopefully she gets back to me, im gonna go completely radio silent, id uninstall the app if that didnt mean losing notifications, though maybe shed text through reddit, nah she wouldnt go through all that trouble, its just back to being patient as usual but without the hope this time (spoiler from the future i didnt ghost her, shocker)

maybe one day i get to open this diary with really great news but today is not the day

[journaleaf]

3/29/23

well. today was a day.

career fair. went… interestingly.

classes went fine.

came home for a bit did some networking and then watched some the good place.

went to [bar in my college town] and did trivia with my coworkers J, C, E, and M. i had a weird crush/ physical attraction moment with J a while ago which has kind of passed? it’s not totally gone but it’s less intense. i kinda made it pass bc he got a partner. but apparently they broke up last week and that stupid annoying part of me got a shred of hope. anyway, J and C were being a little touchy which i picked up on some but not fully before we went to another bar for karaoke. for a bit there, C saw someone she knew and M made a beeline for the bar, so J and I just talked and he was closer than he needed to be so i was like 👀. but then J and C got way more touchy feely and i was like yeah nah. anyway, J and C walked away for a bit and then C came back and told me about the situation. basically she’s been physically into him for a while and they’re friends which complicates things. i didn’t get full details but yeah. i did my whole internal “god i’m so fat and ugly why would i have hope and think he wants me bc he touched my arm blah blah” thing.

so i hit up a guy who ive been trying to fuck/ trying not to fuck (it’s complicated) for a few months. we hadn’t met in person before tonight. we didnt have PIV sex but we did other stuff. and i thought i was gonna cry after but i didn’t, which isn’t necessarily good or bad. i don’t know what to do and i’m afraid my roommate is going to try and hospitalize me or something. prob not but i really hope not.

[crossedtheleyline]

im just so fucking tired. i feel like im spending less time hanging out with my bf doing fun things , hes starting to feel more and more like a roommate and less like a significant other... i just dont have the energy to dance like he likes and he knows im dizzy all the time but still looks real sad (which fair i guess but still), i hate the style of board games he invites people over for.. we've done one crossword together recently when we used to do them all the time. he doesnt like paint by numbers and we lose table space to all the fucking board games so i never remember to bring out my jigsaw that we started. i know if i brought this up hed agree that we should do those things more. but im just so exhausted all the time of trying to decipher his facial expressions and implied questions that when we talk about communicating it feels like im fucking fighting for my life to get him to understand that his ideal of relationship "just getting each other"ness is impossible. at least for us. at least for me.

yesterday he asked me "do you know what i asked" when i didnt answer some question how he expected me to, because i interpreted it literally. i repeated the question back and he said "that's not what i asked" and i said "thats what i remember you saying did i miss a word?" and he said "no thats not what i asked though" huh? "babe are you asking if i know what you meant? because if its not what you said then no. i though i answered your question but apparently not?" "no i meant <X>" OK THEN "sorry babe you asked an implied question about an implied question... I can maybe do one layer if i have brain space but 2 layers is beyond me esp right now" just rephrase the stupid question!!!!

i just feel like hes not actually listening to me when i say that i interpret things literally... like hes not getting it. he knows this fact. but he still gets sad if i cant understand what hes trying to ask me via doing puppy dog eyes or something.

also his facial expressions are not the ones that i learned! they're not like, the standard TV show things and i dont know facial expressions beyond standard ones... im barely learning that i def have autism and learned so much shorthand as a teen while failing at being social. and he gets upset if i imply that he is not doing something like "normal social expectations". even though he is Convinced that he doesnt care about being weird. he cares SO deeply about me not thinking hes weird! he is and thats a good thing!!

[actualtext]

Jan 30, 2023

Cailee Catastrophy

Background- I told Cailee I wanted to visit before making my choice to like check the vibe to see if I liked it. I asked her probably over a month in advance, to which she responded by letting me know she wouldnt know her work schedule until two weeks before. Deep down inside, I knew the plane tickets were going to be way higher in price, but I said "fuck it" and asked her to let me know when she got her schedule. I responded by letting her know that I wasn't able to find any cheap flights, at least not in my price range. I told her previously that I would need until February to let her know if I was or wasn't going to go for sure, but it was Jan 21st and I felt like the flights not working out was kind of a sign, and that I knew what my answer was. I went ahead and told her that I wasnt going to go after all and that I wanted to tell her sooner rather than making her wait till February. It didn't seem fair to keep that to myself until then. She didn't respond, so the next day I asked if she was okay. (You know this part) I'm just going to copy our texts here because what happened was weird. It's like nothing escalated to a huge thing and I blame the lack of tone in text. Anything in brackets [ ] is something that wasn't in the text, but that I added for better understanding or to make a statement.

Sat, Jan 22

ME: Cailee? You okay?

Cailee: Um I need a little bit I havent really been okay and haven't known what to say at all

ME: Okay, I understand, I'll be here. 💖 🥺

Fri, Jan 27

Cailee: Hey I still don't quite know what to say, like I've been really just upse about this while situation, not because you decided not to come, but because you made it seem like you were coming. And I just kept beling like no lol she's not coming but you kept being so so like adament about it and so sure and I wish you never put that idea into my head if you weren't sure, it's frustrating to be in the situation I am in and then someone like essentially gets your hopes up for months and then is like yeah no, I muean just like I thought, but towards the end you barely checked for flights like 2 weeks before you wouldn've came up here and I was like yearh she procrastinated on it casue it wasn't important to her. Originally I was just real mad abot having been through this whole situation and the measurments of the rooms I took and then moving stuff out of the room you wanted because it was important to you and I was trying to et myself to stop being so stubborn and trying to learn from how I was being.

Umm im not doing well at all and that doesn't have anything to do with you. I was pretty devastated when I got the news fom you and all I've wanted to do is hide from texting you or saying anything becasue like i'm just really upset and alone and isolated and depressed and confronting that realization that nobody is coming up here with me adds to that entire thing. Winter up here is extremely rough, you would not believe. And saying anything, especially trying to gather my thoughts enough to say something nice or comforting or accepting was too much, or I mean it still is too much. My mental health has been bad since the shit with clarissa [her old roommate] happened and I often think about suicide here and still when I was there [in Texas]

You don't have to say anything to like idk console this or make it better becasue it is exactly what it is and it happened exactly how the world wanted it to happen for the better or for worse

I just wish things were different and that I didnt' have to feel this every second of everyday

You coming was essentially becoming my little tiny glimmer of hope and it's gone now. And I'm not saying that to make you feel guilty or regret your decision, it's just exactl how I feel and how I've felt for a while now.

I hope Texas is the brightest ray of sun in your life because I sure miss it and everyone in it with all my heart

[high key, should have just left it, but I felt like she was accusing me of not being honest with her, and I wanted to clarify that but it ended up turning into so much more.]

Sat, Jan 28

ME: I was sure at first that I was going to move in wit you in indiana. I wouldn't have brought it up if I wasn't going to go. Initially, it seemed like a for sure thing. Until you started trying to dictate my choices. As time went on (our last conversation), I realized that our communication styles were completely different [should have prepared me for this], and you dropped news that I felt shoudl have been divulged before the decision to move. The bottom line is that I figured our that it wouldn't be the smartest idea to move to indiana. I even told you I needed time to think about it becasue things had changed, and that I no longer felt sure. So please don't tell me that after repeating "I've been planning on doing this all on my own anyways" when I told you I had to think about it, you were finally hopeful. Casue that would just be so silly. You even told me you had been preparing to do it all on your own since the get go, during our last conversation.

I checked for flights a whole month in advance. You were the one who said "I won't know my scheduel until two weeks before" which made me ahve to hold off on buying plane tickets. I was taking your schedule into consideration because you were the one who said you don't deal well with change. I didn't wanna just show up while you were busy. I was trying to be considerate. Something that you have hardly done in this situation, and apparently only did so after you thought there was a chance I would no longer be going. It was too late by then, Cailee.

You're not the only one not doing well, my dude. Please try to remember that. I genuinely hate that you're feeling like this but It wont get better until you go get some help.

I know I came off as stern in the beginning, but your first message was nothing but attacks.

As for being your glimmer, you were the one who told me that you didn't want to be responsible for me liking or disliking indiana or be responsible for my happiness. You should have put that on me, or at the very least, you shoud have been honest about how you were feeling beforehand so that I could have talked you don rather than being adamant. I was adamant because I was excited. As time went on, I becasme less excited. Imagine the prospect of moving to a whole new state thinking its gonna be cool af cause that's your friend [over there], and then your friends starts being bossy/dictating. It doesn't make you feel so welcome. Especially when your friend keeps repeasting how she can always do this without you. Do it without me then. I don'y want to be in Texas, but I dont want to be alone in indiana more than I don't wanna be here.

Cailee: U know what I see where ur coming from. ur right and I'm sorry, but we both need to see each others side, and what I said to you wasn't an attack but I was expressing my feelings about the situation nothing more

Me: "I wish you had never gotten my hopes up"

I didn't do that

That's an accusation

I was transparent thw whole time

I also didn't make you wait until February to tell you my decision

Cailee: Uh I mean you did get my hopes up like quite literally like the way you talked about it, that's not an accusation either it's like literally true, my hopes were in fact up by the way you talked about coming and how sure you were

Me: becasue I was

and once I wasn't

I let you know

Cailee: Ok so like that's true though. Whatever set ou off about my personality happened eventally right but maybe for about two months you were super sure you were coming, according to you

Me: Yeah cause I totally was

I told everyone including my family [to explain how serious I in fact was]

Cailee: It's like okay that I'm bummed out about that, like I'm allowed to feel what I feel, It doesn't have to be like who's fault it is type of deal. It's a shitty situation at the end

It's probably about 50/50 both sides my guy

Nobody has to like win or be right about it

Cause I told my family too like I did the same shit to prepare that you did except I was already here for months and I'd already done what u were about to do

Sun, Jan 28

Me: When I asked you for the measurements [refering to her first message during which I felt attacked], I was in ikea. So please stop thinking I wasn't serious cause I was literally ready to buy furniture that would fit in either room. I talked to my therapist about the situation and I got multiple opinions. Ultimately, I decided for myself that It wouldnt be good for my mental health to go to a place that I only had one form of support that was rocky in and of itssef.

I mentioned telling everyone about the move to show you how sure I was. You may have told your family but your family was already there. If I needed financial assistance [like cailee did in the beginning], would your mom have pitched in to help me? [like she did for cailee] No. She doesn't even know who I am because we never did that zoom call I asked you for dring the first month you arrived. Me moving there and you moving here are two very different things, so please don't compare them.

You told me you were prepared to do it alone, so your hopes shouldnt have been up. Remember, I told you "It's good that you're mentally preparing to do it alone because it's smart and it doesn't put pressure on me to go" this was around the time I said I wasn't for sure anymore. I did my part by letting you know, so your hopes shouldn't have been high after that becasue I had told you I wasn't so sure.

Aside from me doing my part by being fully transparent with you, I'm also not in charge of your feeling. I didn't get your hopes up. You did, by continuing to think that I'm[didnt mean to say I'm] everything was for sure even after I told you it wasn't. Aside from that someone who is really mentally prepared to do it alone wouldn't be feeling bummed or blaming me for their sour mood. Someone who is actually prepared to do it alone probably would have said something like "dang, I was really looking forward to it, but thanks for letting me know" and then moved on.

As you said, no one has to be right or wrong, but literally everything you said about me doing was in response to something you did/said. The way you went about things influenced me [to] not want to go anymore. And if you had been honest with me about how you were really feeling, letting me know that your hopes were high instead of playing it down like you were okay doing it solo, I could have helped and talked you down but it's too late for that.

You went for your mental health, I decided to stay for mine. Your feelings are valid, Cailee, but this is what it is. I'm not going. Feel what you need to feel but don't blame me. Not even 50/50.

I never once said "man, now I have to sta in Texas casue cailee turned out to not be the ideal roommate for me" never. Because I'm in charge of my feelings, and while your actions influenced my decision, I was the one who made it. I might have felt let down and sad that my moving plans fell through, because I did genuinly want to go, but I never blamed you for that.

I might not want to be here, but I don't want to be anywhere else I'd end up feeling alone anyways. At the very least, I have a wonderful support system.

I hope you feel better and find other flinmmers of hope becasue I know what it's like to feel let down and alone.

I'm still your friend, cailee, but I'm not taking the blame for somethinf that isn't my fault. It was a decision I made, that you made me believe you were okay with.

I'm sorry your hopes were high and that I let you down by not going. Please believe me when I said the exact same thing happened to me. Lets move past this. :/

Cailee: Ok just you send a thousand word message saying basically it's completely my fault is actually ridiculous after I literally apologized and was ready to drop it dude like stop carying on with this shit and if you're not gonna admit any of this was your fault and play thw whole "everything is much worse for me and my situatio is harder than yours" like no dude just drop it, it's already been over but u keep carrying on and on and "it's not my fault it's yours and you did this to yourself" You can be right if you want to and always get the last word in and let me know how much u think it's my fault again and again but I'm literally not interested in that because I apologized already and already admitted at the very least half was on me and you cant stop explaining that to me in 100000 word texts for some reason like please dude just stop it like why do you need to add "not even 50/50" just own up to your part this shits a two way street and that entire text you sent is completely not necessary dude.

Me: Cailee, that's not even what I'm saying. I specifically said I didnt blame you.

why does it upset you that I said you were in charge of your feelings?

And I simply asked you not to compare out situations, that mine was worse.

Not that*

You have help up there

I wouldn't

It's a fact

Cailee: Like I literally talked to a friend and she explained it to me and told me I was wrong and that it was half and half from her perspective and told me where I went wrong and was like oh shit ok thank you for that and then tried to apologize to you like minutes after

and then you just kept arguing after that

Me: I didn't want to respond right away because I was feeling emotional

I didn't want to like bark at you

Cailee: Like idk what to say anymore st this point this shit don't need to be a blame game dude

Me: Agian, I literally said I don't blame you lmao

So...?

Are you intentional misreading or what?

Cailee: I mean read all of the texts you sent ne about not doing this and falling through on that

Me: Intentional*

When did I say you fell through?

Cailee: *screenshot* (me:) If I needed financial assistance [like cailee did in the beginning], would your mom have pitched in to help me? [like she did for cailee] No. She doesn't even know who I am because we never did that zoom call I asked you for dring the first month you arrived.

Me: The zoom call?

If thats the one thing that [you] fell through on, it doesn't even matter. The point was that I didn't know your family who literally helped you financially, who probably wouldn't help me if I needed it cause they dont know me.

Caille: Cause I stopped saying you did this and this and this wrong after I apologized and literally was like you now what ur right about some things

Me: Those two first messages were about you understanding and not comparing like you did in the message before mine.

I don't need an apology though

Cause like it's not your fault?

I made a decision, and I wanted your [meant you] to understand why it wasn't my fault that you felt how you do

It breaks it down

It wasn't my fault that you feel the way you do regarding me***

Cailee: No dude u apologize when u make mistakes and own up to that shit entirely it's how I was raised and live my life cause I need people to understand that I am listening trying to actively learn from what happened and that I'm not too prideful to hold onto being right essentially Me: [cont. of what I was saying] Specifically cause we all have their [meant other] things going on.

[in response to her most recent text] S then why did you apologize? What mistake did your felt [meant friend [who said it was 50/50]] help you see that you made?

Your friend*

Cailee: What? Like the whole text thread she was like ok she's right about this here and she did tell u she wasn't sure and she's right u shoudn't have gotten ur hopes up and all that shit

Me: And what mistake did I make that you feel like I should apologize for?

I apologized for letting you down.

That's genuine.

Cailee: WTF am I gonna do "no it's not my fault" to you? That shit is so childish like own up dude it's a two way street

Me: Think about what I asked please

What mistake did I make tha tyou feel like I should apologize for?

Before the text today you felt that already

Explain to me what it was

Why did your friend think it was. 50/59?

50/50*

Cailee: Okay I'm not gonna continue this conversation there's nothing I can do for you at this point. When I apologized I didn't make you tell me why it was necessary to me, I read your texts over and over and then asked my friend for advice and input and then apologized. You can do the same or just not at all whatever but there's nothing else I can add to any of this. I am done with this argument

Me: [totally violating the fact that she was done] You could anwer my questions.... I'm just asking for clarification to help me understand where you're coming from because I clearly don't understand. But if you're unwilling to, there's nothing I can do either. Maybe you could ask your friend for advice [I was making a genuine suggestion, becasue cailee has specifically told me she needs advice on almost everything and I wanted to hear what her friend had to say, since cailee apparently didn't know what she wanted me to apologize to her for].

It's called emotional reasponsibility, by the way. If you're interested in knowing more, theres's articles on it if you do a Google search. We are in charge of our own emotions, even the shitty ones. [before this, I did a google search for "are we responsible for our own emotions" becase I wanted to provide proof and reading this after the occurrance, I see how it can sound sassy- which at the time I coudn't perceive because it wasnt the tone I had in my head while typing it]

Cailee: Jesus fuckin Christ dude lmfao I am so happy for you that you got the last word in and continue to have snappy comebacks even after I have stated over and over and over again that I'm done and literally tried to move past it. It's so incredibly rude that you just told me I can ask my friend for advice again because you still will not let go of the fact that maybe just maybe you played a part in this entire bullshit argument. Grow up Jesus Christ man you BEEN crossed a line with this hit do not belittle me deflect it to something being wrong with me and the way I porocess things and that I'm just crazy and emotionally unstable bro. Give it time and cognitively think about ur part in an argument or don't, which clearly u wont. Either way I'm done with this.

Me: *invisible ink* [Accidentally, this part wasnt supposed to be invisible] Dont respond or even read this if you dont want to

Fuck wrong one

*invisible ink* [correctly this time] [I sent it invisibly so that she could choose when to read it] (calmly)This totally sucks because I'm just trying to communicate through this issue and you're blowing up instead of trying to help me understand (the original part of this argument which has morphed into so much more). You have me put in this very negative light, and it's making you read my text tone as snappy which is upsetting you and making it harder for us to talk through this.

My texts aren't even meant to sound snappy, I promise. I've added feeling words to help cause text is hard to hear tone in. This is normal and happens to even me, I'm not trying to belittle you. I swear. I've never called or thoguht of you as crazy, by the way.

(calmly) It's not about me getting the last work. I promise, cailee. That's not something that important to me. What is important to me is communicating through issues to resolve them rather than acting emotionally (Which, no offence but, you are with your caps locks and calling me childish).

(calmly). I told you what I wanted which was for you to answer the question and to help me understand but you eep sayin everything and attacking me rather and [I meant than] ansering the question. I know you didn't ask that of me, but I'm asking it of you. I'm asking for you to let me know what mistake I made so that I can understand what I need to apologize for.

I brought up your friend cause she was the one who said it was 50/50 [our fault], so maybe she would be able to provide some insight. If anything [i] want to have this conversation with her too, to include her, not to be rude, none of this is meant to be rude, or belittling, cailee. You could bring your sister in too, and again, I'm not saying that to be rude

(softly) You keep telling me to grow up, but I'm just trying to communicate. I'm not trying to deflect anything, i'm trying to dig deeper and find a resolution.

I know that you done and I respect that [a little too late]. You don't have to respond. If you ever wanna help me understand or have this conversation with your sister/friend I'll be here.

There ignore that second one till your ready. But the first ones not upsetting, it shouldn't be

Typing this out made me realize a few things. I understand I'm also at a wrong becasue theres something (that I don't know yet) that I need to apologize for. I'm not appologizing for "getting her hopes up" though because I know for fact that I didn't do that. I feel like I should say sorry for not showing more empathy when responding to messages in which I felt attacked, or that I needed to explain. This is my friend and I totally let my emotions get the best of me and then tried to do damage control. I feel really bad for upsetting her, but it was you who told me I wasn't in charge of her emotions. I feel like I dodged a bullet by not going up there because if this was her response to my one decision, I wonder what living with her would have been like. This has been a long stressful drawn out experience that I'm glad is over, but still sad that it may or may not cost me a friendship. When she was texting me, I was shaking with so much emotion, even at the end. This was something that was really affecting me and I don't think I realized it till tonight.

[freebooter4ever]

Ok lets talk dildos, sexuality, and years of being 'broken'.

BECAUSE I SHOULD HAVE BOUGHT ONE A LONG TIME AGO fuck. Look i grew up with a catholic family, we all know how it goes, yall end up with all kinds of weird vibes about sex and so. Much. Guilt. Girls especially are made to feel guilty and embarrassed about finding any sort of pleasure around sex/masturbation - its all shame shame shame. And i just kind of accepted it - mostly i think because of being demisexual and not really knowing how to put that into words, i never felt sexual attraction much at all except for a few specific instances here and there. I didnt date until college and by then it was kind of too late for those early stages of fumbling and discovery.

Believe it or not pretty much from high school till the age of 23 i didnt even masturbate at all - because it was so embarrassing and shameful and i always lived with roommates so like...when was there ever a moment lol.

And here's the thing, im small. Im not short but i have always been skinny and i have always been athletic and those two things combined mean things were super tight down there. Guys have always commented that this is great. For me? Not so much. Even before the abusive relationship pain always went hand in hand with sex. But if the guy was, you know, nice...it was worth it. My first boyfriend, as nice as he was, used to not even notice when i would be crying while we were having sex because it hurt so much. The abusive asshole i dated next made everything a million times worse. Obviously.

It was a year after the abusive relationship that nick walked into my life with his pies and smile that could melt the sun. And while we were lovers i used to joke that he could be a sex therapist, but genuinely that was one of nick's gifts - he could connect sexually with anyone, which was amazing to a girl like me who found maybe one person attractive every five years. Nick knew how to put people at ease, he was sensual and knew way more about sex than i could ever imagine, and a ton more experience, but he never made me feel awkard or embarrassed about it. And for the first time ever in my entire life, sex actually didnt hurt. Sometimes my friends ask me why i was so hung up on him for so long and, like, him being the only guy who didnt cause me pain because he actually cared enough to try not to was kinda....unique. Of course it also mean nick struggled with monogamy and, like, not hitting on my best friends. Awkward. (to be fair my best friends were way hotter than me but still. Not cool.)(it also meant i spent most of my romantic life desperately wishing i could be someone else, someone worthy of serious attention, hotter, bigger boobs, better, blah blah blah)

In LA i decided that since i was over 30 i was just going to avoid real dating altogether since i was past the 'desirable' age. i had Hiker Boy which only worked for so long because we weren't exclusive, he never pressured me to have penetrative sex so never hurt me, and i knew he was dating other girls since he was only ever in LA a few days each month, and i was cool with this because frankly it meant i didnt have to deal with the sex issue.

Then i started living alone and my fear of masturbation started getting silly like for fucks sake i live alone there is nobody else in the house to even hear or smell anything. And for the first time ever i realized i actually could feel the kind of pleasure people wrote about in smut. Except a finger is one thing...a dick is entirely different LOL.

but growing up in a society where sex is never talked about and is shameful and catholic girls arent supposed to really want that stuff anyway - i went my entire life assuming my pain and 'tight'ness was just permanent and something my body would always have. I obviously googled and what little i could find suggested that this was probably related to the endometriosis i was diagnosed with at 14. Nothing i could do to 'fix' myself.

However, recently after accidentally discovering that masturbation somehow works to recconect that broken connection of my brain/blood circulation/heartrate for a few hours after, i immediately incorporated this into my POTS 'healing' attempts. And started reading on the internet about that and found out specifically cervix/uterus stimulation with deep penetrative sex is the best for that one nerve that connects all these autonomous bodily functions together. And hey if doctors can suggest four hours of meditation per day (boring) to try and do the same thing, why cant i just spend a half hour with my own kind of stimulation? And finally, finally, i decided it was time to experiment with dildos and see if i could even get to a point of 'deep penetrative' stimulation. Lol.

Shoutout to my friends who helped me with this purchase if you are reading this LOL LOL. 😅

turns out everything i believed about my permanently broken body was wrong.

Its only been a few days and already im past the pain and closer to the pleasure part of this experiment. Like, i genuinely never thought anything wider than one single finger would fit, but god damn it, im learning otherwise. And i am so fucking mad that i wasted so many years of my life thinking i was broken and worthless. (i mean now i am chonically ill and am broken and worthless in other ways but thats besides the point). But seriously my twenties were spent being terrified of men and avoiding them (except nick) or dating guys who were okay with penetrative sex not being a thing with us. I was living an asexual life when im very much NOT asexual. And it wasnt a total hardship because thanks to demisexuality if im not interested in anyone at the moment i really am pretty close to being asexual 90% of the time. But still. There were a few people i was attracted to that if i had thought i could act on it, things might have been very different. And when that attraction flips On, in the words of sabrina carpenter, my sexuality is really quite normal and functioning.

Tldr FUCK CATHOLIC GUILT BUY THE DAMN DILDO

THE READMORE BROKE FOR A MIN IM SO SORRY

Happy h***y on main saturday! \o/ to celebrate this will be reblogged with a rant on ...well...the contents in this photo (to avoid auto tagging)

[goalieprotectionsquad]

at what point do i text my roommate and ask if theyre going to neglect the rats like they neglect the dog and if i should just feed inigo and fez......