#robert sugden deserves a better man

[andyoumattertome]

i love you for saying things i'm too scared to

well, i can't hide my feelings anyway.

[rememberingthesugden-dingles]

everyone deserves better than Paddy at this point

[nooneelsecomesclose17]

Christmas wishes

This started out as a prompt about Aaron wishing Robert would come back and it kinda changed a little so the title is a little bit off (I'm useless at titles)

(AO3 link)

*****

December 2024

Aaron throws his keys on the side and shrugs his coat off. The house was quiet, just like it always was now. Liv was long gone and he would always feel that pang of regret when he thought about her. He should've tried harder with her, to help her. Now she was off on her own, travelling she said although it sounded to him more like running. Maybe one day the two of them would be better.

He forces himself to heat up something from the freezer even though he's not hungry. He could've stopped in at the pub but then he'd face a round of 'Why can't you find yourself someone nice, like Ben' from his Mum.

He could, it’s not like he hasn't had a few nights out or seen guys he liked but he just couldn't bring himself to make an effort. After Ben there'd been no one else. The two of them were never anything, more him feeling the pressure to move on. His heart had never been in it. No one could ever make him feel like Robert,

He lets his gaze fall on the photo of Robert that’s back in pride of place on the mantelpiece. He'd taken them all down when the divorce papers had arrived, the comments from his family getting in his head, his anger making it too hard to look back on happy times. When Liv moved out he dragged them all back out of the wardrobe and put them back up. It made him feel close to him even if it was just a photo.

He didn't go a day without thinking of him, wondering how he was, if he was alright. He knew he wrote to Vic every so often, he'd started back up after she'd told him about Luke. For a while Aaron had waited for a letter, hoping that maybe he'd get back in touch, but there was nothing. He wasn't angry anymore, he understood Robert's reasons even if he didn't agree with them or that it hurt.

He shakes himself from his thoughts as the microwave pings, burning himself on the plastic tray just as he does every time, before eating his food, barely tasting it. Once he's finished he drags himself up the stairs, wanting nothing more than to fall asleep in front of mindless TV. hoping the dreams won't come back like they do almost every night.

Before he gets into bed he picks up the frame by the bed, the photo, from their second wedding, one of his favourites from the day.

"I wish you were here. i wish you could give me a reason to keep going."

"You know what my trouble is? You."

"Right back at ya."

"Cos no matter how hard we try, we always end up sat waiting for trouble to find us."

"Last time? "He looks over at him, the sun through the trees catching his hair making it blonder than usual. "We are getting on a bit now."

"Yeah. Reckon we ought to start growing old gracefully."

-

"Says the man was once liked my car so much he nicked it." He laughs.

"Anyway it's only got to get us to France."

"Only."

"Then it'll be me, you a chateau by the river"

"Could get a little veg patch."

"You? Growing vegetables?"

"It's what you Sugden’s do ain't it? Farming?"

"I'm not digging up onions all day while you sit supping Cote du Rhone"

"Alright. Maybe not a veg patch then...”

"I don't care what I have as long as I'm with you."

"Yeah. Think we deserve it? A happy ending."

"And...a couple of top of the range motorbikes?

"So much for growing old gracefully then."

"I'd rather live out my days living my best life with you." He leans in to kiss him just as his phone chirps in his pocket.

"Guess this is it then."

-

"Robert, I was never going to let you do this on your own. I just mean what if something happens and we get split up?"

"It won't. Look I know what I'm doing, right? I promised you the best life, yeah? That's what you'll get." The kiss feels like agoodbye, both of them clinging on that bit longer. "I love you. Always."

"I love you too. I'll be waiting, yeah?"

He wakes with a start, Robert’s name on his lips like it always seems to be these days. He drags himself from the bed, burning his toast, gulping back his tea that’s gone cold before he makes himself go to work, to the cabin that holds too many memories, where he can’t escape him any more than he can anywhere in the village

The day is exactly the same, freezing at the scrapyard, leading him to sack it off at lunch to go home. He's deliberating between a rubbery lasagne or mushy cottage pie when his foot slips on the floor. Looking down there's an envelope on the mat. He stops, surprised; he had a letterbox, so why wasn't this in there. Picking it up he gasps. the handwriting is achingly familiar.

Robert.

Aside from his name it's blank, must've been hand delivered. for a minute his heart thumps in his chest, as if he would appear any minute. Then the rational side of his brain realises that Vic must've delivered it for him. He still has years left on his sentence.

He doesn't open it straight away, almost afraid to read the words, leaves it on the bedside table.

Once he's showered he looks at it again. Quickly he rips it open, curiosity finally too much, settling himself against the headboard wanting to savour every word. There’s a note from Vic, saying that Robert asked her to deliver it.

-

Aaron,

I don't know why I'm writing this, after all this time, and maybe you'll just chuck it into the fire, but I had to.

I don't know what to say apart from sorry. I know, I know. it's about five years too late. I've thought about writing so many times, you won't believe. but something always stopped me. I didn't want to step on any toes, or cause you any more hurt. What am I saying? You probably think it's impossible for me to do that.

Anyway. where was I? Oh, yeah...well, Vic kept nagging me, so I decided to appeal. I realised I had nothing to lose. I just needed to find the guts to try. I didn’t tell her, couldn’t get her hopes up, but I went ahead and did it.

So, the thing is...well I won. No, winning isn't the right word not after everything...the appeal was successful. It feels mad to even be saying it. But the main thing is, the charge was reduced to GBH with intent and the judge reduced the sentence to 5 years. But I got out.

I needed a bit of time, to get my bearings, sort myself out after all that time, but when I called Vic, she insisted I come home for Christmas. I want to see her, want to get to know Harry. But that means I'll be in the village and I promise if that's not alright with you then I won't. I'll find a flat somewhere and Vic can visit me. I'm not going to hurt you any more than I already have.

If it's alright though, then I'd like to be mates, if it won't step on any toes. It's entirely up to you.

I realise this might seem like I'm only writing because I'm getting out but I promise I'm not. You married a stubborn idiot, but then you knew that. I couldn't let myself make you go through 14 years of visits. wouldn't have forgiven myself for doing that however much I believed that you would've been there. I know you Aaron, I never doubted you, but it would've been no life for you and I couldn't do it to you, not because of my own stupidity.

Anyway, I'm rambling. Hopefully you haven't screwed this up by now but…I’m coming home.

I realised something the other day. It’s almost ten years since we first kissed and maybe that doesn’t mean anything any more but it doesn't feel like ten years does it? Ten years since we kissed, ten years since my life changed, since everything made sense.

Sorry, I'm not trying to bring everything back up, or pressure you...but, we had a good life didn't we? Until I messed up...again.

I'll stop now, but if you'd rather I didn't come to the village, tell Vic. I'll understand. If not...well I'll see you soon maybe.

All my love.

Always.

Robert

_____

Aaron's barely breathing by the time he's finished reading, the tears are falling down his cheeks faster than he can stop them.

He can't believe that Robert thinks he wouldn't want to see him, and that even if he did he would prevent him being in the village.

He'd forgotten the date, well not really, he'd never forget that day, but the closer it got to Christmas the less he cared about the date, just wanted the whole holiday over with. But now he checks the calendar, cars it was, a present from his Mum for Christmas. He double checks it, sure he’s dreaming, but it’s right there.

December 4th.

He's running down the stairs without thinking and grabbing his keys. It's probably nothing, he'll probably not be there, might not even have come back to the village yet, but then he asked Vic to deliver the letter and he knew the date. Surely it wasn’t a coincidence. He had to go though just in case.

Robert hadn't given any indication that he might want to get back together and maybe it would be a waste of time, but he had to try. He'd never forgive himself if he didn't.

It's pouring with rain and he's soaked before he's even in the car. He passes his Mum, tottering towards the shop in her heels as he drives out of the village and he knows she'll be calling to find out where he was rushing off to. He notices that the lights are on at Keepers but he doesn't stop. If Robert is at the lay-by, if he'd had the same feeling as he has then he didn't want to miss him.

The disappointment hits him when he finds the lay-by empty. Maybe it'd been too much to hope for. Maybe Robert had only written to ease his own conscience, out of some sense of duty. Maybe he'd been stupid to think they could go back to how they were. It'd been five years after all.

He sits there a while, memories washing over him. and he's just about to leave to go home and drown his sorrows when he sees headlights in his mirrors . He can't make out who it is, but when it parks he sees its Vic's little Vauxhall. He knows it’s him, wipes the tears from his eyes with a sniffle.

Then he sees him, all long legs, climbing out of the little car. He can't make himself move, can barely believe he's there in front of him.

He fumbles with the door when Robert just stands there as if he doesn't know what to do with himself.

"Hi."

"You got my letter?"

"Yeah. Just now."

"I don't know what to say." He scuffs his feet on the ground. "I meant what I said, if you want me to go...I will."

"Do you think I would?"

"I don't... I hurt ya. I wouldn’t blame you if you never wanted to see me again."

"Yeah. You should've trusted me to know whether I could do it. But...I get it. Once I calmed down, I understood. You're an idiot, always putting everyone else first."

"Not always. I hurt everyone.”

“No.”

“I do Aaron.”

“Tell that voice in your head, tell Jack to shut up. The people that matter, you put first. You do Robert.” He just shrugs.

"So..."

"So..."

"Ten years . Can you believe it?" Aaron huffed out a laugh.

"Could use a reminder."

"What?" Robert's voice is full of disbelief.

"Get over here and kiss me you idiot."

"I...don't you want to...I don't know, talk or something.”

"Yeah, later. But right now I want to kiss my husband on our anniversary."

They had a lot to talk about and he knew they'd fight at some point but as Robert came closer, all he cared about was that he was here.

Everything else could wait.

[bobbie-robron]

As classic emmerdale expert, do you think Sarah and Richie would have lasted long term and he could have been a step dad to the Sugden siblings?

I’m seeing all of this for the first time but, based on what’s been shown so far, they could have lasted. Sarah could have had a life with him that wasn’t one filled with being suffocated by a man who’s primary concern is the farm and believing it’s a slap to his pride for his wife getting a job to help with the finances.

Sarah was a free spirit who, at the start of her relationship with Jack, presented him with list of rules. She was her own woman who had to change the core of who she was to be with Jack. With Richie, she could rediscover those parts of herself suppressed and just be herself (similar to Robert becoming his true self with Aaron). Yeah, there’s an age difference but they could be a positive in their situation since he wants to see more of the real Sarah.

Jack, on the other hand, was too fixated on ‘old school’ mentality while Richie was forward thinking (helping Robert with his computer skills). Richie would embrace Robert’s career goals wanting more than what he was to inherit and doesn’t want. He was already good with the boys and Vic maybe because of his age. All of them deserved better than being stuck than the holier than thou Jack Sugden.

[softlass27]

Flufftober Day 29 – thunderstorm dedicated to @robertssvgden​, because she loves the idea of robron + seb and eve as a family unit, and she deserves nice things x

AO3 link here

As they stood shivering in the schoolyard, Robert glanced above them.

“The heavens are gonna open any second now.”

Aaron tilted his head up to see dark clouds rapidly filling the sky, the wind picking up with every passing minute. They’d been getting weather warnings all day, broadcasters promising that tonight was guaranteed to bring a seriously wild storm their way.

Paddy was stuck on an overnight callout with some heavily-pregnant cows, and Aaron’s mum had called him about an hour ago to say that she didn't feel safe driving on the motorway in this weather, so she was stuck in… some hotel, she was pretty vague on the details. She’d told him she was away to meet with potential new suppliers, but between her terrible lying and the sound of an unexpected male voice in the background, Aaron suspected wherever his mother had gone had nothing to do with work.

Either way, Eve had no one to pick her up or look after her, so his mum had begged him to take her for the night – possibly the weekend. Like she needed to ask.

So now they were stood in their usual spot with the other parents at Hotten Primary, waiting to collect two kids instead of one.

Just as the first few droplets of rain began to hit their cheeks, Eve came out of the doors, her eyes quickly scanning the yard until she spotted them and ran over, schoolbag swinging in the air. When she was just a few feet away from them, a violent gust of wind blew behind her, pushing her tiny body along the last few steps until she crashed into Aaron’s legs with a small oof.

“Windy,” she said, blinking up at them.

“Yeah, squirt.” Aaron took the bag from her before it blew right out of her hand.

“Is Mummy not coming?”

“Her and your Dad are both stuck because of the storm. They can’t come back just yet so you’re gonna stay with us tonight, okay?”

“'Kay,” she nodded, pushing her increasingly wild hair out of her eyes.

“Just need to wait for Seb, then we can get home and out of this crazy weather.”

As the three of them stood waiting for the Year 3's to come out, another, even stronger, gust of wind nearly sent Eve flying to one side; Robert snagging her by the hood of her coat was the only thing that stopped her from tumbling to the ground.

“Right.” He grabbed her securely by the waist and picked her up. “Think I’d better hold onto you before you actually blow away, missy.”

“Wish Seb’d hurry up,” she mumbled, pulling her hood up and tucking her face into Robert’s neck, out of the stinging rain.

“Don’t we all?”

As much as Aaron adored his son, he was a notorious dawdler, always chatting to his teacher or messing around with his mates on his way outside. He’d take the rest of the afternoon to reach the school gates if he could.

Eventually, Seb made his way to the yard, surrounded by his usual gaggle of classmates. Any inclination he’d had to keep chatting to them was swiftly curbed by Aaron’s firm get over here now gesture. He jogged over sheepishly, cramming a beanie on top of his head.

“You get lost or summat?” Aaron rolled his eyes fondly, taking his PE kit from him.

“I went to check if my art project was dry and – ”

“Yep, lovely, you can tell us all about it on the way home,” Robert grumbled, wrapping his free hand around Seb’s shoulder and ushering him towards the car. “We need to get inside before this storm kicks off properly.”

They all clambered in and set off, Robert navigating the usual school run traffic with practiced ease.

“Dad?” Seb asked after a few minutes of driving.

“Hm?”

“Miss Brooks told us this is gonna be the biggest storm Yorkshire’s had in more than 20 years,” he said, wide-eyed. “The biggest since 2003. Was that one really massive?”

“It was, I remember it,” Robert nodded, flicking the windscreen wipers to faster setting. “New Year’s Eve. It put a massive hole in the pub roof n’all.”

“My pub?” Eve chimed in, eyes turning even bigger than Seb’s.

“Yep, it caved right in. I didn’t see it happen though; I was living on the farm, and I had to help my dad get all the animals inside so they’d be safe.”

“Woah.” Seb sounded so impressed, Robert didn’t have the heart to mention that someone had unfortunately died as a result of said hole in the roof.

“2003. That's so long ago,” Eve mused, fingertips following the paths of rainwater sliding down the window. “Years and years and – ”

“Yes, okay,” Robert said loudly. “I feel ancient now, thanks for that.”

Eve and Seb just laughed, like the demon spawn they both were.

“Do you remember the storm too, Dad?” Seb asked, a hand over his mouth failing to suppress the grin on his face.

“Nah, I wasn’t living in the village then,” Aaron smirked. “Was a bit before my time, I’m a lot younger than Old Man Sugden over here.”

“How old are you, Rob?”

“50,” Seb said with a snort.

“100!”

“150!"

“Kids, come on, he’s not a day over 72,” Aaron drawled, only to yelp when Robert briefly took a hand off the steering wheel to swipe at him, which only made the backseat passengers cackle even harder.

The laughter was suddenly cut short, however, when a wayward tree branch hit the bonnet with a loud bang, before bouncing off onto the road.

“Jesus!” Robert jerked the car in surprise, before quickly regaining control and continuing down the road in silence, hands gripping the wheel tightly.

Aaron glanced back to see both Seb and Eve’s smiles had been replaced with slightly nervous looks, Eve biting her bottom lip anxiously.

“It’s okay.” He quickly reached a hand back to pat her knee reassuringly. “It was just a tiny branch, practically a twig, nothing to worry about. We’ll be home soon.”

By the time they arrived in the village, the rain was lashing down, pelting the roof of the car so loudly they struggled to hear themselves talk. There was hardly anyone outside, and the few that were looked like they were quickly retreating indoors. They passed Leyla leaving her office with her head down, tottering unsteadily on her stiletto heels, and David and Jacob quickly pulling potted plants and buckets of umbrellas back into the safety of the shop.

As they pulled onto the drive, the ominous first sounds of thunder could be heard rumbling overhead.

“Okay, inside, go go go!”

The four of them scrambled out of the car and dashed towards the house, Robert fumbling with the keys to unlock the door.

“In your own time,” Aaron grouched, hunching over to shield the kids from the worst of it as best he could.

“Hang on, I can’t feel my bloody fingers.”

Eventually, he managed to get the key in the lock and they burst into the warmth of the house, already drenched in the brief minute it had taken to get inside.

“C-cold,” Seb shivered, peeling off his sodden hat and jacket and dropping them on the rug.

“So cold you forgot how to use a coat peg?” Robert said exasperatedly, picking it up. “Why don’t you two go upstairs and have a couple of nice, hot showers while I get tea started? Eve, you can use our mine and Aaron's bathroom, if you want? Aaron’ll help you turn the taps on.”

“Can I use your fancy shower gel?”

Robert sighed and ruffled her damp hair. “If you must.”

Eve grinned and began to follow Seb up the stairs, only to freeze at a flash of lightning.

“The storm won’t put a hole in this roof, will it?”

“You think Robert would let that happen?” Aaron smiled at her. “Nah, we built our place to be extra strong,” 

“Storm-proof, even,” Robert added from the kitchen.

“See? We’re safe as houses in here, I promise. Go on upstairs, I’ll be there in a minute, yeah?”

Seemingly satisfied, Eve nodded and carried on up the stairs. They heard the sound of her feet running along the landing, presumably to what was unofficially dubbed as “her room”, since she spent so much time in it, before the door gently clicked shut.

“What’s for tea?” Aaron sighed, padding over to the kitchen and hooking his chin over Robert’s shoulder.

Robert hummed and leaned back against his chest while he chopped some veg. “Shepherd’s pie, should warm the kids up.”

“So domestic, you,” Aaron grinned, pressing a kiss to the back of his neck. “I just hope the power doesn’t go out tonight.”

“Me too, otherwise we’ll have to keep them entertained the old-fashioned way.”

“What’s the old-fashioned way?”

“Er… how good are you at shadow puppets?”

A minute later, Seb came downstairs to find his dad frantically plugging every laptop and tablet into its charger.

[robron-ficlets]

Title: let me down slowly

Author: @kayceecruz​

Summary: Robert and Aaron meet in a completely different way.

Written for Robron Week 2020 Day 1: first meeting/meet-cute. Sentence prompt: "Need to put a name to perfection? Allow me to introduce myself.”

Link to AO3

“Need to put a name to perfection? Allow me to introduce myself.” 

Robert tries not to roll his eyes and glances at the bloke in the seat next to his. His drink is dangling from his fingers as his grip tightens and honestly, this is why he hates bars. This has been going on for the better part of an hour and really, he needs to give it up at this point.  Robert’s been watching him get told off for most of the time the man has been trying and it was not what he’d wanted when he’d walked in here tonight.

All Robert wants is to drink away his loneliness and this was what he got for not just doing that at his new flat. 

The woman the guy had been talking to, gives him a withering look and then shakes her head, leaving her seat and heading out the door. 

Robert snorts into his drink and then on his other side, he hears someone laugh out loud and say, “You can’t pull to save your life, Adam, just admit it.”

Robert turns his head to agree with that assessment and then his gaze meets warm, blue eyes and he feels a little struck. His chest feels tight, his insides glowing a little and he hasn’t felt something like that in a long time. The other man smirks and Robert couldn’t help but smile back, laughs a little. 

“I can!” 

Robert keeps his eyes on the other man, watches as his smirk turns into a real smile, a little blinding, and he gulps hard, swallows something down. Then, that gaze turns back to him and he keeps his act together, raising an eyebrow in question. 

“Alright, fine, let’s ask him. He’s been sitting here as long as me watching you be an idiot for however long it’s been.” 

Robert opens his mouth and says “Nearly an hour.” 

The man points at Robert. “See? He’s been keeping time, Adam.” 

Someone taps Robert on the shoulder and he turns to look toward the failing idiot - Adam, he supposes - and stares waiting for whatever it is he wants. 

“So, you saying, mate, that Aaron over there, is right?” 

Aaron. 

Robert leans back, glances quickly at Aaron, then shrugs, finishing his drink. “I think your mate, Aaron, was being pretty kind, actually. You’re bloody awful at this.I mean, seriously, it was painful to have to listen to. Please never do it again.” 

Aaron laughs and Robert can’t help but grin at him. 

“Was that too much?”, he asks and Aaron shakes his head.

“He deserves it.” 

“Oi! I’m your best mate, you know.” 

“Yes, I know.” Aaron sounds put upon and Robert does laugh out loud at that. 

He wasn’t there to meet anyone. That - he and Ben had just finished and that had been on the tail end of the disaster that was Chrissie and him. He hadn’t moved back home for any other reason then to lick his wounds and get his shit together. 

That was the last thing he wanted, to meet someone. Someone like Aaron who made him laugh and his stomach flip and his blood sing. 

Aaron is still watching him and Robert knows - knows - that he isn’t going to do what he should and walk away, 

He sticks his hand out. “Robert. Sugden.” 

Aaron nods, his eyes widening a little, takes Robert’s hand in his warm clasp. “Aaron. Dingle.”

Robert freezes for a moment and then starts laughing because of course he is. 

That’s how Robert met Aaron. 

-- 

It could’ve  ended there. 

It should have. 

Robert should have tried right then and there to get Aaron into bed. 

Before he’d found out all the ways Aaron was way too good for someone like Robert.

Before he’d walked out of his new flat at Jacob’s End and found that Aaron lived just down the street. Before he met and liked his gobby little sister, Liv. Before his sister stuck her nose in and told him all the ways Aaron was the bravest person she’d ever met. All the ways he’d survived and still managed to stay this grumpy, loving,  stupidly kind lad. 

But he hadn’t wanted to -- he’d wanted more when he took his number. He thought maybe a date or two before they ended up shagging. 

Now. 

Aaron was his friend. His proper friend. Months down the line and the only person Robert wanted to talk to when something good or bad or awful or stupid happened was Aaron. Every time that Aaron went out with Adam (who was behaving himself now that he thought he had a chance with Victoria) or Ryan or anyone else, Robert would hole up in his flat and not think about it too hard. 

Andy calls him on it, one day when Robert was glaring a hole in the back of some random doctor Aaron was kinda seeing. 

“You ever gonna tell him or what?” 

Robert frowns, pulls his gaze to his brother, “You what?” 

Andy sighs. “You love him, idiot. Tell him.” 

Robert doesn’t bother to disagree. He’d told his family as soon as he’d set foot back in the village that he was bisexual. That he’d just ended a relationship with a man. That he’d been engaged to a woman before that. 

He is still surprised that Andy noticed, though. 

“He doesn’t feel - he doesn’t think of me like that.” He stops at Andy’s snort, turns to him in confusion and then looks away when Andy’s face falls. Robert hates that look. 

“Rob, you aren’t kidding, are you?” 

He doesn’t answer and before Andy can say anything Diane and Vic show up. Family dinner starts but Robert can feel Andy’s gaze on him through most of the meal. 

-- --

“I like Alex.” 

Robert’s pencil stops moving and he glances at Liv. They’d been trying to deal with Geometry for her upcoming Maths test. He isn’t sure how they segued here. 

“That’s - yeah, I knew that. He’s a nice bloke.” 

Liv nods. “I like him but you know - I love you.”

Robert’s heart melts a little and his chest tightens even more than it normally does. He keeps so much inside that it hurts too much. 

He leans in, meets her eyes and smiles. “I love you, too, Trouble.” 

She smiles a little then sighs. “He -- just -- you mean a lot to Aaron, Rob.” 

Robert nods, looks away. “We’re best mates.” 

Liv groans, slams her books and Robert tries to stop her but she pushes his hand away. “Stop being stupid, Rob. Please. Just -- tell him, okay? Because it’s hurting - just tell him.” 

He watches her leave before he drops his head with a thud on the table. 

-- --

Robert rubs his hand against the back of his neck. He shouldn’t have listened to Jimmy and Nicola. Blind dates were the worst. That had been two hours of hell and when he’d slept off his boredom and disappointment and hollowness, he’d tell them both off. 

He steps out of the taxi, thanks Pete and pays him, before walking slowly down the path to his home. He smiles at that. It does feel that way now. Like home. This village is home because everything he loves is here. Even if he can’t have it like he’d like to, it’s all here. 

His steps falter when he notices a shadowy figure sitting at his stoop. He recognizes that puffy coat, smiles as he picks up speed. 

Aaron stands up when he hears Robert coming and this time Robert stops flat out. 

Aaron looks done in, eyes a little red and his shoulders are tight and when he looks at Robert, his face does the same, tightens. 

“What’s happened? You alright?”

Aaron lets out a humorless laugh. “No. I’m not.” 

“Aaron, what’s going on?” 

Aaron shakes his head, motions to the door and Robert understands he doesn’t want to talk out where anyone that is up can listen in. Their village is full of nosy neighbors. 

Robert nods, brushes past Aaron, pausing when his friend takes a step back, before opening his door. He takes his coat off, throws it on the cushy chair that he bought for Liv to do her homework in when she visits him. 

He turns to see Aaron standing in the doorway, his eyes looking around the flat, like it’s the first and not the hundredths time he has seen it. 

“Aaron, you’re worrying me. I don’t know-” 

“How was your date?” Aaron spits it out and Robert is thrown but he answers quickly. 

“It was fine.” 

Aaron looks about to say something when Robert speaks again, ‘“You know what? No, it was boring. I wasn’t interested. Hadn’t even wanted to go on it to begin with but since everyone keeps telling me I need to date then -” 

Aaron straightens. “Everyone who?” 

Robert throws his hands up in the air. “Everyone who knows me, Aaron. Come on.” 

Aaron bites his lip and then says, “Alex and I are done.” 

Robert blinks slowly. That explains it, then. Aaron being upset. 

“Aaron, I’m sorry, mate. Is there - can I do something?” 

Aaron glares at him and he points at Robert. “Yes, you can. Just tell me, Robert! Ask me. Stop pushing me away. I thought that maybe -” Aaron breathes in deep, hands on his hips and he pins Robert down with his gaze. “Say it. Tell me so I know I’m not alone in this. Say it so I can say it back and we can do this. Properly.” 

Robert is speechless for a moment but then he lets out a long breath. “Aaron, I’m not good-” 

Aaron shakes his head, takes a step forward that makes Robert take one back and he points at him again. “Don’t you dare tell me you aren’t good enough, Sugden. Don’t do it. Because you are more than enough. Just let me love you, you idiot! Stop fighting me and we can start what we should have ages ago.” 

Robert takes two long strides and he’s in Aaron’s space. He doesn’t wait. He doesn’t let his mind talk him out of this. He takes Aaron face in his hands and kisses him, hauls him up a little, holds on and kisses and kisses and kisses until they have to break part to breath. Aaron’s forehead touches his and his smile is a little watery. 

“Took you long enough. Now say it.” 

Robert laughs softly. “You are bossy.”

“Robert.” 

“I love you.” 

Aaron sighs. “Finally.” He pulls back, his arms twining around Robert’s neck. “You had me dating a boring doctor, Robert. You made me watch you go out on dates.” 

Robert looks at him softly. “I’m -- wait, you dating Alex because -” 

“Yes,” Aaron said, rolling his eyes. “Because I thought I couldn’t have you but then you were so upset about it, I knew. I thought I needed to let you come to me but - yeah, that’s never worked with you so.” 

“So when I went out on a date, you got angry and waited at my door to tell me off and demand I tell you how I felt?” 

Aaron looks sheepish but then he shrugs, leans into Robert and kisses his jaw. “Yeah, well if I waited for you.” 

Robert kisses him back, pulls him closer and starts to walk them toward his bedroom. “How long -- I mean, since when did you?” 

Aaron stops them both and stares up at Robert. “Are you -- Robert, you damn well know how long.” 

Robert doesn’t. He knows how long he’s felt this way but Aaron is a different story. 

Aaron glares at him, trying not to laugh. “You know how that whole night Adam was being an idiot at the bar, hitting on every girl sitting next to you?” 

Robert frowns and nods. “Yeah?” 

“He isn’t actually that terrible. He was trying to get your attention for me.” 

Robert’s eyes grow wide and his mouth hangs open. “Wait. That - that whole thing was so you could --” 

“So I could pull you, yes, it was. But then you got weird, I mean you are weird, and then I fell for ya and here we are. Cause you are stupid.” 

Aaron laughs at Robert’s expression then kisses it off his face and pulls him toward the room. “Now, come on and let’s do what we should have been doing if you weren’t such an idiot.” 

Robert grins and follows Aaron without hesitation.

[robronsecretsanta]

play it again, sam

Robert Sugden has everything he could possibly want: fame, fortune, and a successful music career. What he doesn’t have is Aaron Dingle.

+ playlist

For @saras-almanac; Hope this holiday finds you happy and well, and that you have a wonderful next year! I wanted to give you something that you requested, so I hope I hit all the right notes. (Pun intended!)

:::::

He knows he’s probably not welcome here again, not after all the things he’s said and done since. But it’s Christmas Eve and there’s nowhere else he wants to be, so he ends up driving back to Hotten. (He knows he could technically take his sister up on her standing invitation to spend the holidays with her and her husband, but Robert’s gone five years without doing that even once, so he doesn’t want to break and give up this year.)

His first thought when he walks up to the bar entrance is just how the exterior is still exactly as he remembers it; a piece of land that time forgot as the world around continued to tick by. The windows are still frosted, diffusing the warm yellow light from within, even a gentle coat of snow can’t seem to change that. It looks like something you’d sing songs about, and maybe in another life he would have.  

Robert pauses outside the door, rethinking his decision, wondering if the price he may have to pay is even close to worth it. But the part of him that made him drive all the way up here insists that yes, it is, and it would still give up more than double. After all, who can weigh the price of home beyond a heart that does nothing but miss it?

So he takes a deep breath in, and pushes through the front door, dread creeping up his spine speedily. He has a lot to answer for, and yet more to make amends for, so he’s back to where it all started.

:::::

If the outside is the same, the inside has changed, and his eyes are quick to notice it. There are decorations covering every inch of surface that’s not currently in use, and even Christmas music playing overhead. (It’s  a cover of a song that he can’t recognise, but still sounds vaguely familiar; a niggle of an itch at the back of his brain, but right now he’s more focused on other things.)

The lights are dim, and there’s a fire burning in the hearth, adding extra warmth to the cozy atmosphere. There might have been some change in The Scrapyard’s management’s policy since the last time he was here because there are pride flags hung on the brick back wall. However the handwriting on the chalkboard hanging right next to them is that same messy scrawl, so he doubts too much has changed besides that.

“What are you doing here?”

Robert turns to find himself faced with a much younger man than he’d been assuming to find, though his countenance is just as hard as he’d been expecting. He steps up to Robert with a fire in his dark eyes, and the promise of a threat in his clenched fists. “Thought Aaron told you you weren’t welcome here.”

“Ellis, it’s alright.”

Robert heaves an internal sigh of relief. He’d never admit it, but the other man had had him worried. He’s clearly in shape, and between Robert giving his security guard the night off, there’s no way he could have taken him. (There’s also that niggle at the back of his brain, confirming that he would have deserved whatever was coming.)

Ellis takes a step back, folding his arms across his chest, staring him down before eventually turning away. “You sure?”

“Yeah. Go on home. Marlon won’t stop texting me.”

Ellis turns to look at him, before finally nodding, then turns to look at Robert one last time. When he speaks again, his eyes are a hard steel, though his words are aimed at Aaron. “Call me if you need any help taking out the rubbish.”

He fires one last glare and heads out the door, bumping into Robert’s shoulder forcefully on purpose.

Robert doesn’t react, doesn’t say anything else, not wanting to have made a bigger scene that might draw attention. With Ellis now gone, it’s just the two of them… along with a few of the regular late-night punters. People who have nowhere else they’d rather be either. So in a way, he’s one of them.

Robert slowly exhales, and brings his gaze up, finally letting his eyes settle on Aaron. He’s wearing an old green jumper and skinny black jeans — not unlike when they’d been dating.  

And just like that, it’s a kick to the chest; a quick punch that sends his heart careening. Aaron hasn’t changed at all, and yet he’s changed so much, a man where a boy used to be. He’s grown out his close-shaved hair — now curlier on top — and is wearing it completely gel-free. Robert’s heart pangs as he wonders who caused that to happen, which of the men who might have come after him. (He has no doubt Aaron dated again — and that’s without Victoria messaging him.)  

“New boyfriend?” He tries to joke, his voice barely holding steady under the weight of those blue eyes. Aaron’s gaze is fixed and firm, scrutinising every last inch of him. (For a second Robert wonders what he might see in his face, and what changes he might be finding. Robert’s fashion hasn’t changed, though his hair’s a bit more styled, and his skin is a bit more tanned than it was when he was last here. He’s taller and broader, with a slightly deeper voice. No longer that skinny lad of 22.)

“New bar keep.” Aaron eventually replies, his tone flat and perfectly neutral. If he’s had any reaction to seeing Robert suddenly turn up in his pub, he’s sure as hell not showing it. And somehow that cuts more than anything else, despite Robert knowing he’s not owed anything.

“Suppose there was an opening.” Robert tries again, hoping for any inch of give from the man in front of him. But Aaron simply turns and heads behind the bar, green jumper pulling tight against bigger biceps.

“What do you want, Robert?” He says it like a sigh; a long-suffering parent looking for answers. Robert almost feels like a wayward child as his stomach starts to lurch, his face growing hot from the question.  

“Thought I’d get a drink,” he replies as pleasantly as he can, still intent on ignoring everything about Aaron’s general demeanour. He unzips his big brown coat to further underscore his point — and show off the fitted white shirt he has on underneath. If Aaron checks him out while he takes a seat in front of him, he completely misses it.  

“There’s plenty of pubs in London.” Aaron points out, making no move to serve him.

“Missed the service.” The charm offensive continues, though much less assuredly. “No one pours a pint quite like Aaron Dingle.”  

“Not my problem,” Aaron shrugs and leans against the back wall, crossing his arms against his chest.

Sitting this close, Robert’s taking in every detail that he can, doing his best to update his memory. His beard is thicker, fuller, and much better maintained, and his chest is now broader and more muscular. (Robert remembers Vic mentioning Aaron training to box, but he’d never really asked after that. The thought of Aaron sweaty and half-naked and fighting other men would have caused his resolve to break completely.)

“It is a little,” Robert eventually insists, ignoring the growing tightness in his chest space. It’s the ache of his heart slowly tearing apart and being shredded like strips of paper. He’d thought he had a shot, but he’s less sure now. He’s starting to rethink this whole plan.

“You need to stop being so memorable.” He perseveres on, not willing to give up without one last fight.

Something seems to crack, because Aaron finally moves, reaching below the bar to pull out a pint glass and fill it. He slides it to Robert without another word, though the force and speed of the gesture cause some of the beer to spill around it. A few drops splatter onto Robert’s jeans, not that he even notices.

“£1.50. Leave when it’s done.”

Aaron turns and heads into the backroom.

:::::

SIX YEARS AGO

The melody is fine, but then he plays a wrong note, and the effect is immediately jarring. Robert flinches and tries it again, but stops as soon as he hits it.

“It sounds fine,” Aaron says after his fifth attempt, walking over from the bar and standing by the piano. He’s wearing one of his biggest and baggiest shirts, paired with baggy jeans and a hoodie. It’s early enough in the evening that the pub is still empty, so Robert’s trying to squeeze in some extra practice.

“You don’t know what it’s supposed to sound like,” Robert chuckles, shuffling to the side and making space on the bench for his best friend.

“Not my fault I’m not inside your head,” Aaron shrugs, taking a seat beside him. “Don’t think I want to know what goes on in there.”

He pretends to shudder in fear as Robert’s cheeks grow warm, thinking of all the time he spends thinking of him.

So he pretends to ignore that comment and play a few more notes, hoping that repetition will lead to an answer. But as he approaches that same part again, a mental wall starts to build until he comes to a complete standstill. The song won’t progress and so he can’t either, the whole experience nothing but vexing.

He runs a hand through his hair — longer in the back — and pounds a frustrated fist on his upper thigh lightly.  

“I can’t seem to figure out what comes next,” Robert complains, tapping a high note repeatedly. “Nothing I play seems to sound right.”

“Then play something else,” Aaron suggests, like he always does any time Robert’s blocked in this way. He’s the only person Robert allows to see him compose his songs. The only other person he’d ever go for help to.

“Any requests?” Robert asks, because he can never say no — at least not to Aaron — and because his fingers have found the keys he’s looking for already. The start of the song is already playing in his head, and his hands are itching to play it.

“Surprise me,” Aaron smiles, like he can really read his mind, giving him a playful nudge in the side to confirm it. They both know what’s coming next, because Robert can never resist, playing this song any chance he gets.

Robert takes his time, feeling each note, letting the intro build to the first line of the lyrics. With each second he plays, his tension starts to ebb, as something in his chest begins to open — though that may have something to do with Aaron’s presence beside him, seeing as Robert’s been in love with him since he was in Year 11. (He knows it’s a cliche to fall for your best mate, especially when he’s the only other gay guy he knows. But every time he sees him, his heart starts to swell, making him want to burst into song like he’s about to.)

“And you must remember this… A kiss is but a kiss… A sigh is but a sigh…”

He turns to look at Aaron — just like every time he sings — eager to see his early reaction. He may not have Springsteen’s presence or Sinatra’s voice, but he can still carry “As Time Goes By” like nobody’s business. Aaron smiles, blue eyes lighting up from within, as his head bobs to the melody. Robert can see him mouth along the words, though he’d never really dare to sing it.

Pleased with the response, Robert turns away, closing his eyes as he gives himself over to the music. He lets himself forget where he is, this time and this place, just holds on to the melody and the thought of Aaron.

He only opens them again, when the song is long done, having slowed down and held that last note. Next to him, Aaron’s sitting still, patiently waiting for him to return to him.

“Mum loved that song,” Robert exhales. He turns to look at Aaron. He gently lifts his hands from the keyboard, and lets the cover drop. “It’s the reason I first started playing.”

Aaron’s eyes light up, and Robert smiles to himself, shaking his head as he tells him, “I’d wanted to surprise her for her birthday.”

The memory of those lazy Sunday afternoons plays fresh in his mind, long stretches spent squashed into his mother’s side, watching all her favourite old movies on the telly. Casablanca had been her favourite by far, Sarah quoting each scene under her breath her whole time. (When Robert had asked why she’d loved it so much, she’d simply said, “Love isn’t always easy.”)

“What did she say?” Aaron quietly asks, and Robert realises he’d never told this to anyone. But something about this song and the way Aaron’s looking at him now, makes him understand what she’d meant then.

“She signed me up for lessons the very next day,” Robert tells him, chuckling ruefully. He shakes his head as he recalls her expression. “The whole thing was terrible. I couldn’t play or sing. Don’t know what I’d been thinking.”

“Can’t say much has changed,” Aaron teases him with a nudge, only this time Robert can’t muster up much enthusiasm. He’s sent out his demo to a few different record labels, and he’s yet to hear back from any of them. All his recent gigs got cancelled, and he hasn’t written a new song in a while, so he’s due a bit of a wallow.  

“Feels that way sometimes,” he sighs out loud, running his hands over the smooth mahogany cover. He traces the line of the edge, feeling it dig into his finger pad, as his hand moves further away from Aaron.

“I don’t know what I’m thinking.” His finger comes trailing back. “Dropping out of uni to become a singer. I should probably give up and go work on the farm with my dad. Maybe then I won’t be such a failure.”

“Don’t be daft.” Aaron’s serious now — more serious than Robert’s ever heard him. “You’re the best singer I know, and I love your songs. I’m not just saying that because you’re my best mate.”

He grabs Robert’s hand, holding it in his, using it to gesture back at him. “Your dad doesn’t know what he’s talking about. You’d make a terrible farmer.”

He indicates Robert’s fingers, long and smooth; the fingers of a trained pianist. Aaron’s always teasing Robert for his lack of calluses — or any roughness at all — as he works to keep his nails short and hands moisturised. (Not that Robert’s absorbing any of this, his single focus on Aaron’s fingers wrapped around the backs of his. He’s always run cold, but Aaron’s touch is nothing but hot, and it’s all he can do to not get consumed by it.)

He forces himself to meet Aaron’s gaze, only to find a certain softness waiting in his expression. It says, You’ll be okay, and You’re the best man I know, and Robert, I think you’re amazing. (Maybe he’d added in that last part for himself, but he’d really had a dream like that; Aaron looking at him like he’s his whole world, just like Aaron’s always been his.)

“Thanks,” Robert whispers, nodding a smile. He can’t help but notice how close Aaron’s lips are, and how he can smell the faint traces of his new aftershave. It’s one Robert picked out himself and gifted to him last Christmas.

“Don’t mention it,” Aaron jokes back, grinning at him cheekily, before growing more serious. “Really don’t. I don’t want to be responsible for your ego.”

It’s as Aaron’s joking, that Robert takes the plunge, throwing himself off the deep end. He lunges forward and kisses Aaron on the lips, cutting him off mid-sentence.

The fundamental things apply… As time goes by…

There’s that second of a pause, where Aaron doesn’t move, and Robert’s convinced he’s ended their friendship. He’s about to pull back, apologise and run away, when Aaron starts kissing him back just as ardently.

It’s a flood of relief, then joy and pure bliss, as Robert discovers it’s better than he’d imagined. It’s a warm beam of sunlight on a cold winter’s day, when he’s stood around on the farm freezing.

When they each pull away, they’re both out of breath, though neither of them can stop grinning. Robert would say something, but his heart’s in his ears, rapidly thudding, he likes me, he likes me, he likes me.

“Robert Sugden, I am not paying you to sit around and hang out with my son,” Chas declares when she enters. “The evening rush’ll be here soon, so finish setting up. You can do whatever this is, later.”

Robert looks down at his hand, still clasped in Aaron’s, his fingers curled around Robert’s tenderly. He’s yet to let go, but it seems like he doesn’t want to yet, Aaron enjoying this moment of contact as much as Robert.

“Later?” Robert asks, voice just above a whisper, wanting to keep what happened between just the two of them.

“Later.” Aaron confirms, giving Robert’s hand a gentle squeeze.

He doesn’t stop grinning for ages.

:::::

He knows what Aaron said, but he’s hesitant to leave. At least not without a proper conversation. But knowing him, he’s locked the front door to his flat at the back, and he won’t be opening it up for Robert. (Calling and texting won’t work either, because Robert’s certain he’s blocked his number. Even if he hasn’t, he wouldn’t answer now, not knowing Robert’s sitting at the bar there.)

So Robert looks around, for the only idea he has. The only way he can think of to reach Aaron. It’s a long shot, but it just might work, and right now, Robert’s desperate.

It doesn’t take him long to find it again: the piano now tucked away in a corner and covered in tinsel. But by the looks of things, it’s in pretty decent shape, even if it is a little bit dusty. Robert lifts the lid and taps a High C. The note rings out perfectly. The instrument may be in disuse, but it’s clear that someone’s been looking after it since — or at least enough to have it tuned regularly.

“Excuse me. D’you take requests by any chance?” An older man seated nearby asks him. He’s immediately interrupted by his slightly drunk friend, who demands, “‘God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen’!”

“Rodney! You have to say ‘Please,’” The first man exclaims, aghast at his friend’s behaviour. “Honestly, you’re worse than Gabby and Arthur. At least they remember their manners.”

He then turns back to Robert and introduces himself. “I’m Doug, and this is Rodney..”

“Robert,” he replies, glancing back at the bar, but Aaron doesn’t emerge and both men are looking at him expectantly.

“Yeah. Why not?” Robert nods, unzipping his jacket all the way, before sitting down at the piano. He glances across the room, looking for hidden cameras or phones, anything that could record it or put it on the Internet. He doesn’t need a group of his fans to swarm the pub — on Christmas Eve of all nights. He’s already in the news enough as it is. He doesn’t want to subject Aaron to that kind of hassle.

He forgets all that when he studies the keys, the whole experience so strange and unexpected. He’d never imagined coming back like this. He’d always hoped it would be under happier circumstances. But it still feels like home when he starts to play, the piano still producing that same deep and rich tone. None of his keyboards in the studio come close to capturing this sound, not even his private grand piano. And more than that, it’s also the instrument’s response, his fingers’ muscle memory starting to kick in. He doesn’t need to think about how much pressure the keys and pedals require, or how far in advance he needs to prepare for it.

Now standing next to him, Rodney starts to sing, and he’s quickly joined by Doug’s voice. As they proceed to belt out the lyrics of the song, Robert can’t help but chime in. Maybe it’s the piano, or maybe it’s being back in this pub, or maybe it’s the lack of pressure that comes from performing for a slightly drunk audience, but the notes start to flow — and with it, Robert’s voice, though he knows he’s supposed to be resting it.

The singalong attracts the rest of the late-night patrons, who’re still at the back of the pub drinking. So soon after the song wraps, Robert gets his next request, Rodney yelling, “Band Aid’s ‘Do They Know It’s Christmas?’”

After another quick check, but no Aaron at the bar, Robert begins to play it. The song starts out clunky, a little hazy in his mind, but he’s heard it enough on TV that he can reproduce most of it. (Not that Rodney or the rest would know, seeing as their singing is off-key anyway.) But it feels nice to get this kind of break, focus on playing and singing just for the sake of it. He makes plenty of mistakes and sings in a silly voice, something he hasn’t done in ages. The other drinks seem to enjoy that a lot, as they soon start copying that in later verses.

They’re midway through the reprise when he feels a familiar flush of warmth on his back, the sign of a very specific spotlight. But Robert doesn’t falter, or even miss a beat, as he keeps on playing and occasionally singing.

When he wraps up that song, they’re all out of breath, so he doesn’t wait for another request to come in. Robert just launches into the one he’d been planning on playing from the start, his fingers finding the keys easily. Thankfully, no one seems to notice it’s not quite in theme; “As Time Goes By” having nothing to do with Christmas. In any case, he’s the only one singing this time, so he dispenses with the silly voices. The second he does, his voice starts to carry, soaking through the pub effortlessly. Robert’s grown as a singer over the years, having trained his voice much like one would with an instrument.

But still, he can’t shake that frisson of nerves that causes a knot deep in his belly. It’s been a while since he’s played this particular number for more than himself, having only intended it for one particular person. And with Aaron’s presence, the song pulls him under quick, sucking him in like a lullaby. And through it all, Aaron’s gaze never seems to waiver, remaining fixed on his upper back and locked between his shoulder blades. It’s the only thing that pierces his music-filled haze, as happens when he plays any song that reminds him of Aaron.

When Robert finishes, he gets a smattering of applause, the loudest of which comes from Doug, who solemnly nods, “Sinatra would have loved it.”

Robert nods in gratitude, but he’s already turning around, only one reaction that he really cares for. Only when he looks back at the bar to see what Aaron thinks, there’s no longer anyone standing there.

:::::

FIVE AND A HALF YEARS AGO

The second the call ends, he runs back into the pub, grabbing Aaron by the arm and pulling him into the men’s washroom. He can hear Chas complain, but he doesn’t give a fuck. The door swings shut behind them.

“Whoa whoa whoa,” Aaron exclaims, doing his best to track his boyfriend’s excitement. Robert nearly trips, almost pulling them both down in his rush. Thankfully, Aaron maintains his balance. “What’s going on?”

He’s barely done asking before Robert pins him against the first stall and kisses him hard, not even caring if there’s an occupant in there behind them. Aaron doesn’t resist, going along with the flow, his hands coming to rest on Robert’s elbows.

When Robert does pull back, Aaron looks a bit dazed, pink cheeks a perfect compliment to his purple hoodie.

“Not that I’m complaining,” he says, a bit out of breath. “But what’s brought this about?”

“Lawrence White called,” Robert tells him, breathing slightly hard as he practically shakes with excitement. His volume is wavering between a whisper and a shout, getting louder at the end of each sentence. “He heard my demo and he wants to sign me as a client. He wants to produce my first album!”

Aaron’s jaw drops, registering the shock, before it comes back up to form a big smile. His eyes shine bright, twin blue stars, sparkling with pride and excitement.

“Told you he would,” Aaron says, voice falling just shy of smugness. Then again, it’s true. He’d never doubted for a second. “He does have an eye for talent.”

“But he’d never have heard me if it wasn’t for you slipping him my CD,” Robert tells him, trying to convey his gratitude. The shock of that phone call is just starting to set in, as he slips down the mountain of that initial high; the realisation of what this means really starting to hit him. His long-held goals finally coming to fruition.

“You didn’t have to do that.”

Aaron looks at him like he’s grown two heads, both of them spouting nonsense.

“Robert, this is your big dream,” he points out, like it’s the most obvious thing in the world. “How could I not do everything in my power to help you?”

Robert doesn’t know what to say, just stands there gaping. He’s not sure what more he can say other than a million thank you’s. He doesn’t deserve Aaron, and he never really has, his boyfriend easily the better half of their relationship.

But Aaron’s not done, a proud look on his face, as he eyes Robert carefully. “You’ve wanted to be a singer for as long as I’ve known you. It’s time other people know how good you are.”

Robert’s still speechless, so he just kisses Aaron instead, hoping to show him everything he can’t say. His hands wrapping around Aaron’s waist to pull him closer, hands bunching in the extra folds of the baggy fabric. Aaron responds immediately, deepening the kiss, his hands moving up and squeezing Robert’s upper arms through his leather jacket. (It had actually been a present for his birthday that year, Robert turning a ripe 22 in April. Aaron had joked he’d needed to look the part, if he was ever going to be a “world-famous” singer.)

“Just don’t forget me when you get all famous,” Aaron teases when they eventually break away, having had to come up for air sometime. He means it as a joke, but there’s a look in his eye, that tells Robert that he really is quite serious.

“Why would I?” Robert asks, bewildered at even the thought of it. If there’s one thing he’s sure about, it’s definitely this. His heart won’t stand any quibbles. “You’ll be right there, next to me the whole time. You’re not getting rid of me that easily, Dingle.”

:::::

He knows he should leave, but he figures it’s worth one last try; his most desperate of Hail Marys. A sorry may not heal the past of its wounds, but he’d at least like Aaron to hear him.

So he goes to the back of the pub and stands outside his front door, steeling himself to go inside any moment. It’s currently ajar, Aaron probably having rushed in and not taken the time to shut it properly. Dim light from inside his living room is spilling into the hallway outside, falling on Robert’s legs where he’s standing. He’s never been one to walk away from an opportunity like this — a guiding principle of his life thus far — so he knocks on the door and walks right in.

He needs to speak to Aaron Dingle.

:::::

When he enters the flat he sees Aaron right away, standing across the living room at his kitchen counter. There’s a bottle of whiskey sitting on it uncapped, and a glass in hand that Aaron’s drinking from like it’s oxygen.

Robert doesn’t want to intrude so he says nothing right away, glancing around the space where he’s standing instead. Things are mostly the same as when he’d once lived here, the sofa and television still resting in the same place. But the photos in the frames have been slightly revised — or at least edited to omit any glimpse of Robert. (There’s also the addition of a blanket lying rumpled on a chair, quite new from what Robert can make of it. It’s entirely like something he might have bought them once; a present for himself and Aaron.)

“Why are you here?” Aaron asks after several long seconds have passed by, his tone sharp and voice raspy. He places the glass on the counter with a loud thunk, but he doesn’t turn around. Just stands there with his back turned to him.

“Needed change for a fiver.” Robert’s first instinct is to joke, but then he sees the muscles of Aaron’s back tense. So he reaches for the truth, presenting that instead. It’s about time he came clean and addressed it.

“…and I wanted to say that I’m sorry.”

“Sorry for what?” Aaron barks a bitter laugh, finally turning around to face him. “Lying to the world? Or lying to me?”

He waits a quick beat. “Or dumping me on live television?”

“I didn’t dump you-” Robert frowns, and attempts to correct. It’s the same argument from five years ago.  

“You said you were dating someone else! You told the whole world you loved her!” It’s clear Aaron still feels that pain as fresh as it was yesterday. His voice is rough with it as he recounts it. “You promised it would always be the two of us. Not us and Priya Sharma.”

He spits her name out like it’s something rotten in his mouth, Robert flinches from the force of it. He’d known at the time it would cause friction between them, but he’d still foolishly gone ahead and done it. Of course, he hadn’t thought he’d still be feeling the effects of it five years on, that his fake relationship would still be a point of contention.

“I told you,” Robert sighs, an attempt to explain yet again, lay out his side of this old argument. “Nothing ever happened between us that you didn’t see. It was just a publicity stunt so we could boost record sales.”

“That’s not the point!” Aaron states, stepping forward and gesturing with his left hand. “You didn’t think we were worth enough to take a chance on. You didn’t believe in us.”

“Of course I did!” Robert insists, because he knows what he’d felt and it was real. “I would never have asked you to come with me to London if I didn’t. I wanted us to make a proper go of it.”

Aaron rolls his eyes and shakes his head, clearly not believing him.

“I was young and stupid,” Robert points out. He knows it’s not an excuse, but he really hadn’t known better.

“Well, that hasn’t changed,” Aaron fires back, when he actually tells him that.

“You know, you said you were fine,” Robert argues next, feeling that same rising irritation. He’d come here to right a wrong, not hash out the past ad nauseum. “When I told you about Lawrence’s proposal, you said it was okay. And that it wouldn’t come between us.”

“I was trying to support you. I didn’t know what that meant!” Aaron yells back. “I didn’t know I’d have to sit around watching the man I love kiss some other woman, all so he can make an extra bit of cash on his album.”

Robert winces, but bites his tongue. He really does deserve that. He’s imagined himself on the other side of that fence plenty of times, and he’s hated every second of it.

“That’s why I’m here. I want to make this right. I’m trying to tell you I’m sorry!”

“It’s been five years!” Aaron exclaims, his tone and body language entirely disbelieving. He lowers his voice as he then asks, “What changed? Lawrence ask you to come here?”

“I fired him,” Robert tells him the truth. “That’s not the kind of artist I want to be. I don’t want to have to lie to sell my music.”

He swallows roughly, and looks at his feet, he still hasn’t figured out what that other answer is. He’d simply woken up at the start of the week, aching for Aaron like a missing limb.  

“And I don’t know what’s changed. Nothing really, I suppose. Other than me realising I still love you.”

Aaron stares at him, slowly starting to deflate, all fight slowly leaving his system.

“Robert, go home.”  He sounds just about done, too tired for the rest of this argument.

He leans his hands on the back of the sofa, and looks at his feet. “You made a mistake coming back here.”

“My mistake was saying yes to Lawrence in the first place.” Robert explains vehemently, knowing where the original sin lay.

“I never should have done that.” He sighs out loud. Then softly adds, “Maybe then we’d actually still be together.”

Aaron still doesn’t look at him, but he doesn’t protest out loud. So maybe he believes that also. Robert tries to imagine a world where they’re still a couple right now and it hurts his heart to do so. He could have had this, instead of what he ended up with, and it’s all his fault and he knows that.

In any case, he doesn’t want to wear out his welcome any longer, so he just asks the question he came to get the answer to. He already knows the answer, but he cannot resist. It’s that little bit of fight still left in him. If there’s even a sliver of a sliver of a chance Aaron would take him back, he’s going to do his best and seize it.

“I don’t know if you’re seeing anyone…” It pains him just to say it. “But do you think we could try this again? Give it another try as a couple?”

Aaron doesn’t answer, and it’s like Robert expects. At least now he can close this chapter.

So he starts to leave, but then stops in his tracks, turning around to face Aaron once more. “I brought you something. I know it isn’t much. But they say don’t go anywhere empty-handed.”

He reaches into his pocket and pulls out a silver USB, shaped like a mini silver Porsche. He doesn’t try and slip it into Aaron’s hand. Instead he just steps forward and places it on the coffee table.

A part of him had hoped he wouldn’t be leaving here alone, but understands where Aaron’s coming from and gets it.

“Merry Christmas, Aaron,” Robert says with one foot out the door, before pulling it closed behind him.

:::::

FIVE YEARS AGO

He’s leaning against the counter and sipping his morning coffee, watching Aaron make their weekly Sunday fry-up. Neither of them has to be anywhere else for a while, so they’ve got their whole day in front of them; Aaron in Robert’s navy t-shirt and pants, Robert in just Aaron’s black jogger bottoms.

The radio is playing like it always does, a happy compromise for the both of them; Robert getting to listen to contemporary singles of other artists on the charts, while Aaron gets his mix of classics and throwbacks.

“The garage next door says they’re hiring,” Aaron informs him, tending to the sizzling bacon. “I was always helping Cain fix cars back home in the village. Thought I might give it a try and apply there.”

“You know, you don’t have to look for work,” Robert says gently, looking at his mug as he says it. “We haven’t even made a dent in the signing advance that White Records gave me.”

“Yeah, but I can’t stay home with you all day,” Aaron says, glancing over at him. “No matter how much I want to.”

Robert pouts, not liking what he hears. Even if he does get what Aaron’s saying.

“But I’ll miss you when you’re gone.” He looks sorry for himself. “The flat won’t be the same without you.”

“Use that then,” Aaron retorts, only sounding like he’s half-joking. “Finish that song you’re stuck on.”

Robert groans and makes a face. “I suppose you’re right. Guess I’ll be busy while you’re off at the garage.”

“They haven’t hired me yet!” Aaron points out with a chuckle, though he’s blushing a little as he says it.

“They’d be fools not to,” Robert insists, just as an idea strikes him. He grins at Aaron, expression growing cheekier. “See if you can get one of those overalls home. I can help you… practice.”

Aaron rolls his eyes, even as his lips curve upwards. “And here I thought you liked me in a suit.”

“I can like both,” Robert grins and wiggles his eyebrows. “All part of being bisexual.”

He hears Aaron snort and sees him shake his head, thrilled his joke landed. He’s about to say something about how his favourite outfit involves “nothing at all,” when he sees his boyfriend go stock-still; shoulders stiff, spine as stiff as a lamppost, ears listening intently.

“What’s wrong?” Robert asks, but Aaron shushes him loudly, turning the gas down and reaching for the radio. As the volume increases, so too does the sound, where it was once just playing in the background.

It takes him a second, but soon Robert stills too, unable to believe what he’s hearing. It feels like he’s dreaming. But it’s all real. That’s his voice coming through the radio. It’s his first single and it’s out in the world, broadcast to millions of strangers. People all over the country have heard his first song, and are sitting and passing judgement.

But none of that matters, at least not right now, because he doesn’t care about their opinion. There’s only one that matters, and he’s standing in front of him, in danger of burning the bacon.

“What do you think?” Robert puts down his mug, jittery without the caffeine. Hearing his own song is like a shot of adrenaline in his veins, his heart just won’t stop racing.

“That you’re brilliant.” Aaron smiles proudly at him, not hiding behind snark and teasing. “And that your mum would be proud of you. Robert. This is amazing.”

He can feel his cheeks burn, but he doesn’t care, not embarrassed of his feelings. “You know, I couldn’t do any of this without you. Especially moving to London.”

“You’d have been fine,” Aaron insists, moving to turn the gas off. “You were always going to make it.”

“But I don’t think I’d want to without you here,” Robert replies, stepping forward to slowly embrace him. “Aaron, you’re the best part of this.”

“You’re just saying that because I’m making bacon,” Aaron says, letting himself be held as Robert presses a kiss to his shoulder.

“Don’t think so,” Robert’s lips move towards Aaron’s cheek. “Don’t love bacon half as much as I love you.”

:::::

He wakes up the next morning and checks his phone, but there’s no messages or missed calls from Aaron. So it’s safe to say that maybe he hasn’t checked out the drive — if he hasn’t thrown it out completely.

Robert sighs, and tosses his phone to the side, doing his best to avoid trying to call him. Aaron’s made his choice, and Robert needs to accept it. Going out there was always a long shot and on some level he’d always known that. After all, there are some mistakes you can’t always fix, and sadly this is one of them.

But maybe it doesn’t need to be that way. There are other apologies he’s due for. So he decides to do the next best thing and patch things up with the other major person he’s been neglecting.

“Hello? Rob?” Vic picks up quickly. The concern in her voice is evident. Not that Robert can focus on that now, he’s struck by how much she sounds like their mother. “Robert, is that you? Is everything alright?”

“Uh yeah,” he finally responds. “Just wanted to wish you a Merry Christmas.”

After not calling or wishing you for five years.

There’s a beat as neither of them speaks, and he fears he’s made this whole thing too uncomfortable. But then Vic joyfully replies, “Merry Christmas to you too!” and it’s like all’s forgotten.

She sounds happy to hear from him, cheerful even, and Robert begins to think this wasn’t a bad idea. Maybe he should have gotten over himself sooner so he wouldn’t have wasted so much time. But at least now he’s learned that lesson.

“So how’ve you been? How’s Adam?” He attempts a proper catch-up.

He can hear the results right away, because Vic sounds thrilled. “He’s good. We both are. I’m the head chef at the restaurant.”

“Congratulations,” Robert grins, genuinely proud of his sister. The last time he’d been there, ‘Hotten Spicy’ had just opened up and she’d been working as a sous chef. “I’ll have to come up and try it.”

“I’d love that.” She sounds like she would, and he couldn’t be more grateful. “But enough about me! I should be congratulating you. What you did was incredible.”

Robert frowns, unsure what she’s talking about and with no clue what she might be referring to.

“What do you mean?” He finally asks, searching for clarification. Had Aaron told her about the previous night and how he’d gone up to Hotten and not seen her?

“You coming out,” Vic replies, sounding like it should be obvious. “It’s all over the Internet.”

When he doesn’t respond, she goes on to add, “The interview with NME, where you told everyone you’re bisexual?”

“Oh…” Robert says, relieved at that news. He’d done this interview weeks ago, but it had slipped his mind, what with his being consumed by thoughts of Aaron. (He makes a note to text his manager, Jai, seeing as he hadn’t known this rollout was coming on Christmas.)

“Yeah, well, it felt like the right time,” he adds. “I got tired of keeping it secret.”

“Well, I’m proud of you,” Vic says, and she sounds like she is. “And I know Aaron is too.”

“Why?” Robert asks, now on high alert and trying not to get too excited. “Did he say something?”

“No,” Vic replies, sounding a bit sorry. “But he only ever wanted you to be yourself. He really did love you.”

“Yeah, he did,” Robert agrees. Though that’s less for her than himself.

A long beat passes where they say nothing again, and at the end of it Robert blurts out, “Sorry.”

But as much as he says it, it won’t be enough. Aaron was right on that front. Robert was an idiot for so so long. It’ll take another five years to make up for it.

“I should have kept in touch more, Vic,” he goes on to say, intent on making a proper apology. “I should have been there for ya when dad passed. But I guess it was easier to stay away then.”

“I know. But it’s not your fault,” Vic says, gentle and warm and reassuring. “But it’s not your fault. You were just 22. We all make dumb mistakes at that age.”

“You didn’t,” Robert points out. And he’s right, because she’d kept her head on. As soon as she’d completed her GCSE’s, she’d gone after her dream and started apprenticing in a restaurant.

“Of course I did,” Vic argues back. “I just went ahead and married him.”

Robert chuckles, not expecting the joke. He’d forgotten how funny she could be.

She must be reading his mind, because when the laughter fades she says, “It’s not too late. You can still come over. There’s plenty of food for everyone.”

Robert bites his lip, turning it over in his head, and he finds himself quite liking the sound of it. Maybe home didn’t have to be a fixed place in time. Maybe it could be where you choose to make it.

“You know what? Maybe I will,” he tells her, starting to smile. “Been a while since I’ve had your cooking.”

When Vic doesn’t reply, he thinks he may have killed her with shock, but then she bounces back with ten times her enthusiasm.

“Hold on! Let me send you our address! Bring wine if you have some!”

:::::

He knows he should get back and mingle with the rest of the guests, but right now Robert really can’t help himself. He’s walking around Vic’s home, giving himself an impromptu tour, on the pretence of having to go to the bathroom.

Exploring the space, he can see much of Vic here, but also both his parents. There’s his father’s love of hardwood and clean classic shapes, and his mother’s flair for decor and textures. Vic’s accents come through in the colours she’s chosen, Robert highly doubting Adam has anything to do with this. Aside from the occasional eye-hurting object or display, his taste has been kept to a minimum.

It’s as he’s wandering around the downstairs floor he finds the piano, hidden in the corner of a family room. Robert’s not sure why it’s not sitting in the living room out front until he pulls off the sheet and sees that it’s the one he’d grown up with.

He almost calls Vic, but then he stops himself. He wants just a moment alone with it.

So he pulls out the stool and carefully takes a seat, the piece of furniture much smaller than he remembers it. (Then again, that had been 20 years ago, when he wasn’t as big as he is now.)

He lifts up the cover — made of a lovely rosewood — and runs his fingers across the ivories. He stops on the lowest note and gives it a tap. The sound that comes out is pitch-perfect.

So he tries another.

And then one yet again.

Each key is perfectly in tune now.

Before he knows it, his fingers have found their places, itching to launch into the song that started off this journey. Only now he no longer needs sheet music or to watch his hands as he plays. Now it’s all a matter of memory and showmanship.

You must remember this… A kiss is but a kiss…

Despite his resolve, he quickly gives in, unable to resist the temptation. He may not have his mother or Aaron in his life. But he has this song and his ability to play it.

It’s as he’s in the middle, playing and singing along, that he feels the return of a familiar spotlight. It’s there gently burning a circle on his back, sinking through his jumper and into the skin below it. But just like the night before, he doesn’t even pause, barely even bats an eyelid. It’s one of the virtues of playing this song. It’s truly hard to really pull him out of it.

When he does finish, it doesn’t go away. Just stays there, steady and burning.

Robert waits, and doesn’t say a word. Not sure what he has left in him to say, anyway.

But then a minute goes by, but Aaron’s still there. So Robert does what he’s always done in this situation. He slides to the left, making room on the seat next to him. He then quietly asks, “Any requests?”

He nearly jumps, when Aaron responds, “Surprise me.”

He knows Aaron’s waiting to see what he’ll do, but he’s been preparing for this moment for a long time. It’s taken him five years, but he finally has that request. He finally has something that might actually surprise him.

It’s a simpler arrangement, the melody too. As simple and stripped back as he can make it. He’d always planned for his voice to carry this song, even if he may not be the world’s best vocalist.

If I didn’t care, more than words can say…

Robert closes his eyes as he does his best not to look over at Aaron. But even though they’re sitting pressed up against each other — thigh touching thigh — he can’t feel or sense a reaction.

If I didn’t care, would I feel this way?

He tries to throw himself in the song like he has for days now, gently walking into it like a pool of water. But Aaron’s presence makes it all but impossible; the warmth of him a constant reminder.

If this isn’t love, then why do I thrill?

There’s a brief second, that he thinks he imagined, where he could have sworn he heard Aaron singing along with him. But that might have been his own nerves or his growing desperation, wanting to see Aaron’s reaction.

And what makes my heart go round and round while my heart stands still?

He tries counting to three in his mind and closing his eyes tighter, but all that does is conjure Aaron.

If I didn’t care, would it be the same?

He finally gives up and opens his eyes midway through, unable to bear not seeing Aaron’s face now.

Would my every prayer begin and end, with just your name?

When turns to his right, he finds Aaron looking right back, eyes as wet as his own feel.

And would I be sure that this is love beyond compare?

There’s no hardness in them like there had been last night, just something that looks like… forgiveness?

Would all this be true if I didn’t care for you?

Robert starts to smile, despite himself, hope blossoming in his heart for the first time in a long while. He’d been scared Aaron might never hear the song, let alone give him a chance to play it — only now he has the best of both worlds.

But before he can even bring himself to sing the next line, it’s Aaron who’s leaping forward and kissing him. Robert doesn’t wait, kissing him back, trying to pour all his love into that. He wants Aaron to know how sorry he is, and how he never intends to repeat the mistakes of his past. How he intends to keep them together.

Aaron seems to hear him, because he starts to slow down, the kiss going from fast and furious to slow and steady. It feels like maybe they have all the time in the world. All the time for Robert to make up for it.

“What changed?” He asks right away, the moment he’s able to think again.

“Don’t know,” Aaron admits, his cheeks a nice pink. He’s still wearing that old aftershave.

“Guess you just surprised me.”  

[robronfic]

Could you make a post of all the Big Bang fics so far please?

round one / 2017:

sure as the world keeps the moon in the sky by @aarobron 

“thank you,” aaron whispers, and his words sound as thick as the air he’s pushing them into. “i had a great night, honestly. just… thank you.” then he’s leaning up on his tiptoes; stretching, body lean and long and sharp, and robert risks settling a hand onto his waist. it shocks aaron for moment, but then he just grins: some great, dazzling, blinding smile that robert has to close his eyes against, and before he knows it, there are lips on his cheek. they settle, for one moment, two, three, and he’s holding his breath, fingers tightening around the curve of aaron’s hip. or, an au where aaron and robert are neighbours - neighbours in love. 30k.

rumours by @beautifulhigh 

robert is a vivinus, or a “div” if you’re feeling particularly cruel. people who are functionally immortal: they can die through severe accidents or illnesses, or something immediate. people with the ability to heal, to understand a person better than they know themselves, and who are rumoured to love so deeply that they will literally love you forever.

robert hasn’t told anyone who he is, only telling aaron after the car crash and their engagement, giving him the choice about whether he wants to live his life with a man who won’t ever grow old, who isn’t anything close to normal and secure. not all the rumours are good ones though, and for every high there’s a low. 105k. 

maneuver one into place by @robertjacobsugdens

robert helped lawrence build a legitimate business empire from the ashes of his criminal enterprises. that is, until robert made one tiny, irrelevant mistake and the Whites kicked him to the curb. planning his revenge, robert went in the only place where he could assemble a team to get back what was rightfully his. he wasn’t expecting old feelings and wounds to resurface quite so strongly. especially not when it came to his master thief, aaron dingle. 57k.

love never fails by @nooneelsecomesclose17

it’s 1914, the war looming. aaron is the new chauffeur at home farm, and robert is newly returned from london after years away. aaron wants a new start, with liv, while robert wants to reconnect with his family. bad memories haunt them both making their relationship a challenge. with the war comes tragedy and then aaron goes missing. 70k.

we’ll meet again by @littlelooneyluna

in the year of 1939, war strikes and leaves best friends turned almost lovers aaron dingle and robert sugden in a state of shock, despite their resistance against the ever present reality of war it soon becomes apparent that there is no escape and it doesn't take long for their world to be ripped away from them as they continuously fight to keep close despite the lengths taken to keep them apart for good. 81k.

fool’s gold by @strongboyfriends

he knew, in the back of his mind, that it was their connection that was sending sparks rushing through him, numbing every sense until all he knew was aaron, but the realist in him – the one that grew up never believing that fate could bring two strangers together and bond them. Tte one that believed it could never happen to someone you knew, that it was meant for those with more poetic souls that lived life as if love was all there was – believed he would have felt this way about aaron regardless.

or, aaron and robert don’t exactly have the meet-cute worth writing home about, but fate has other ideas in mind. 38k. 

the country squire by @misswhimsy

after katie’s death, robert handed himself into the police and has spent the last two years in prison for manslaughter. aaron has moved on with his life, dealing with the death of his father and reconnecting with his little sister, attending counselling to help him cope with the things he’s not willing or able to share with his family. luckily it has provided him with an interesting new way to manage his feelings and he has discovered a talent and passion for writing that he never expected. now, robert is out of prison, alone and unsure of his future; will he ever be able to find the happiness that aaron has already found? 22k.

separation never suited us by @wellyfullofale

robert’s been away from emmerdale for almost a year, but vic has persuaded him to return for his 40th birthday party. he hasn’t seen or spoken to his husband since he left the village after convincing himself that aaron had moved on following an argument that they were both too stubborn to move past. he returns with hope that aaron might still love him the same way that he still loves aaron, but when he finds his husband is seeing someone new, is all hope now lost after a year apart? or will they find that, actually, a kind of love like theirs isn’t ever over? 33k. 

find someone (like you) by @kayceecruz

robert sugden walks into emmerdale after nine years bringing with him little of the boy who left. aaron dingle's life has been stuck in the same place for years. they meet and everything changes... 25k. 

a tail of two worlds by @geena-rae

aaron’s an immortal being, trapped in the sea for thousands of years now by himself. he’s been lonely for so long, his only solace watching the humans who walk along on the land. then he meets a sea witch who makes him an offer, she’ll turn him human for one month and if he finds love in that month she’ll keep him human, if not, aaron has to give her his immortality. 20k. 

front page news by @realityisonlythebeginning

robert sugden is a small time reporter aching for a proper job in the world of crime reporting. he thinks he's found it when a young man named aaron dingle is wrongfully jailed for something he didn't do. what he finds however is so much more. 22k.

the insubstantial shadow by @sapphicsugden

“the terms.” robert stares ahead, at the darkness currently shrouding hell from his view. 

“i keep walking,” robert starts, unable to focus on anything but the thud of his heart in his chest. it’s like you’re talking about a contract, he thinks. this is just a deal that you need to fucking win. except the stakes - and the payoff - were so much more than robert could handle. “i keep walking until i get to the lake where there’ll be a boat waiting to take me back."

hades nods, leaning casually against a pillar. “i don’t look back,” robert continues, words sticking in his throat. “he’ll be behind me, following me out of hell, but the instant i look back, he’ll vanish and he’ll-“ ae trails off, unable to make himself say it.

“he’ll be mine,” hades supplies. “his life for your inability to put his needs above your own.” 15k. 

midnight in paris by @capseycartwright

the end of a relationship is supposed to be the hardest part, but the last night aaron sees robert, it’s the first promise of a happy ending he gets from the other man. a year, to sort their problems, and they’ll meet back in paris, and give their love the chance it deserves, after the whirlwind of a year they'd spent together, in paris, falling more in love than either of them had been before.

what could possibly go wrong in a year? 34k. 

forged in fire by @escapingreality51

on his way to work one morning, a runner catches robert's eye. he starts seeing the man around everywhere, growing more intrigued with each sighting and almost interaction. when he finally meets him properly in the elevator of his building, a spark ignites and the two embark on an intense relationship, but when robert is reminded of a past trauma he gets scared. will Robert be able to let go of his past or will he be consumed by it? 31k.

asking the moon to stay by @josephtate

all his life prince robert had known that one day he would have to follow in his father's footsteps and become king of emmerdale. what he never expected was that he would have a secret love affair with the court's mechanic aaron dingle. 32k. 

all in by @godamnarmsrace

when robert and aaron meet there's an instant attraction, no doubt about it, but nothing can happen, it just wouldn't be appropriate. robert feels for the lad, who's been on the streets and struggling to take care of his young sister, so he does the decent thing and opens his home to him – gives him a break. feelings grow, aaron wants robert, in more ways than one, in every way really, but robert is fighting it, he fears becoming one of the monsters he hunts. it’s only when things get dangerous, pursuing gordon has some scary consequences, he begins to realise that you really only get one life; aaron and liv are his. 31k. 

---

round two / 2018:

cause we’re lovers, and that is a fact by @prettyboysugden

the 1980's- a time of music, love and pride. robert and aaron have to hide their relationship, but will something tear them apart? 17k.

and might had fallen to sands and fire by @matan4il

aaron is a hebrew gladiator whose daily routine of training and fighting is changed by the arrival of a unit of roman soldiers. 44k.

the fundamental things apply by @nooneelsecomesclose17

after losing jackson over a year ago, liv is worried about her brother and wants him to find a new boyfriend. that’s how aaron ends up on local radio on christmas eve. robert’s a successful reporter with his local paper, and he’s getting married. he’s on his way to meet his fiance’s family for christmas when he hears a voice on the radio. 

can his destiny really be someone he’s never met? can he be the one to catch aaron’s attention and get him to meet in london on valentine’s day? 26k. 

among the many by @littlelooneyluna

1984 au: robert finds aaron in a dystopian world where love is forbidden. 63k. 

from the moment we touched by @snarfettelove

needing to let off some steam after a stressful day at work, robert (a ruthless businessman) picks up a prostitute on his way back to his penthouse apartment. but one night with aaron isn’t enough and robert’s got a hell of a week coming up; he offers aaron the opportunity of a lifetime - stay (and get paid) for the whole week. aaron can’t resist, and robert’s pretty fit after all, so he agrees to the deal. they just aren’t supposed to let feelings get in the way of their ‘arrangement’. 42k. 

is it too late? by @robron-til-the-end

aaron never found robert at the scrapyard, the day after seb was born. he never talked robert into staying. robert left the village that day, and ten years later is the first time he's returned to emmerdale, and the first time he's bumped into aaron since it all went wrong so spectacularly.can he and aaron make it work the second time around? or has too much time passed to ever make it work? 18k. 

we’ll always have the moon. by @notforonesecond

while working through his deployment for the british army, aaron dingle unsuspectingly meets the love of his life at a bar one night in the form of robert sugden.

navigating through war, love, heartbreak, and tears they build their relationship, communicating through handwritten letters. but after they've built a life and a family together, is aaron willing to sacrifice it all for his country? 87k.

ticket to anywhere by @strongboyfriends

sixteen years old is dull in ways that movies and television never want to admit, and every minute felt like a countdown until he could escape. but life didn’t work like that. at least, not for robert. aaron couldn’t possibly be the one to change that. could he? 43k. 

cartography through silence by @sapphicsugden

“it’s called aphasia,” the doctor tells them, clinical and detached.

aaron wants to punch her in the mouth. robert’s keeping a death grip on aaron’s hand, nails digging into the skin of aaron’s palm. it’s grounding, a familiar pain that aaron will carry for eternity if it helps robert. “what does that mean?” 11k.

so at ease in the midnight sky by @aarobron

aaron finds the dingle's travelling circus at 16, just after he runs away from gordon, and spends his days helping out with odd jobs. what he doesn't expect to find is a best friend in the shape of vic's older brother, robert. they grow closer, as a double act on the trapeze and as friends, but he keeps his feelings quiet until gordon shows up and flips everything they know upside down. 58k. 

and that’s just the way it is by reformedcharacter

after meeting on the phones at work, robert and aaron quickly grow closer. being two hundred miles away from each other won’t stop them from falling in love. now, all there is left to do is meet. 28k.

… or does he? by @eloquentmydear

when lawrence tries to seduce robert in the hotel, robert’s phone doesn’t start ringing. he battles with himself over a long-denied desire for lawrence, the pain of losing the last man he loved, and his broken self-esteem. 15k. 

two night stand by @robertisbisexual

aaron’s been single for months and, after a bad night out, is convinced by his friends that a no strings one night stand is exactly what he needs. only casual sex is a lot harder than aaron remembers - especially when your date is a prick - and when forces conspire against him aaron finds himself trapped with robert a second night. 26k. 

escaping the past by @kripkegirl

robert returns to the village, looking to rebuild bridges and to finally put his past behind him. 26k. 

white blank page by @rustandruin

aaron’s a semi-closeted music journalist for a regional newspaper. robert is the newly hired out-and-proud sex and relationship columnist he hates. but when they’re forced to work together, aaron realises that irritation quickly turns into attraction. can he overcome his past and find the strength to choose his future? 125k. 

exile by @escapingreality51

aaron is a member of cain’s crew on the akadia transport ship when cain agrees to transport a different type of cargo than usual - a prisoner. robert sugden, the most notorious scientist-turned-murderer in the solar system arrives on the ship in manacles, and aaron dingle has to spend eight and a half months guarding robert sugden in a cell while they transport him from earth to his trial on mars. somewhere along the way aaron starts to discover that the man in manacles may not be as evil as he has been made out to be. 25k.

sweet dreams (are made of this) by @kayceecruz

after a tragic accident, robert’s left in a coma. while his loved ones fight to keep him alive, robert sinks into a world of dreams. when he wakes up, he is confused about what life is real and all he wants is to have his husband by his side. 24k.

[saras-almanac]

MoRS: Day 1 - Shoulder to lean on (Robert & Faith)

Takes place after Aaron finds out about Robert’s true charge. I was really upset by how it played out a bit so that probably comes out a little in this, but oh well. Also I love Faith and Robert. This is sort of a companion or follow up to this other little fic I wrote the other week. You don’t have to read that one to understand this one though.  

P.S. I fucking love that my Month of Robert Sugden tag says Mores. Because yes, I want mores Robert. I am so amused by that. :) 

Somehow, through the haze, Robert made it out of the flat. You’re one more problem Liv really doesn’t need right now. You’re one problem I don’t need.

His heart was racing and it was all he could do to focus on keeping one foot in front of the other, step by step.

It was painful, so painful to hear that from Aaron. Yes, Robert didn’t tell him, but also Aaron didn’t give him a chance to. He’s been mostly hands off and if Aaron had really wanted to know then he’d have come to pick Robert up after he’d been taken in—either time. Or wanted to go with when Robert met with his solicitor. Or…

No. That’s all true, but Robert didn’t tell Aaron the full truth for a reason. He meant it when he said that he didn’t want to worry Aaron or Liv unless—until it was necessary. He knew how things like the messed with Aaron’s head, his stress. Robert had already caused enough problems for Aaron. He didn’t want to be one more. You’re one problem I don’t need.

“Robert!”

Robert turned—when did he get to the church? Faith was walking quickly toward him.

“It’d be no big deal that you’re walking like a man possessed but my legs are nowhere near as long as yours,” Faith said as she came up next to Robert. “And what fine legs they are.”

Robert felt his mouth twitch, even though the last thing he wanted to do was smile.

“What ya running from?”

“Who says I’m running?” Robert asked.

“Well, I’ve been calling your name for the last few minutes.”

“Oh. Sorry,” Robert said.

“Something on your mind?”

Robert shook his head.

“How Liv doing?”

“Uh, good,” Robert said. “They’re keeping her overnight for some observation.”

“Hospital’s the best place for her right now,” Faith said. “She’s gotta rest up.”

You’re one problem she really doesn’t need right now. “Yeah.”

“Fancy a cuppa?” Faith said.

The dam that had been holding everything back, everything in, shattered. If you’d asked Robert what would finally be the last straw, he’d assume it’d be when Aaron yelled at him or kicked him out or sobbed. Having everything spew out of him because of Faith asked him if he wanted a cup of tea was no where on the list. But here he was, crying and sobbing, not quite able to catch his breath in the middle of the village with Faith at his side.

“Come now, sit down,” Faith said, grabbing his arm and pulling him. Robert couldn’t see, could barely feel the ground beneath his feet. She pressed him back against a bench and then shoved his head down. “There’s a good lad. Try and take a deep breath for me.”

Robert tried, but couldn’t. He griped her hand, probably so much it hurt, but she didn’t say anything.

“Just a little one, yeah?” Faith tried. She kept a quiet, reassuring mantra going until Robert could breathe semi-normally again.

When Robert finally sat up, he felt the tears on his face and hastily wiped them off. “Sorry.”

“What am I for but a shoulder to cry on,” Faith said. “I’m assuming this has something to do with your plea hearing?”

Robert clenched his jaw. “I told Aaron. About my charge.”

“Today?”

“Well, Cain overheard me on the phone with my solicitor and sort of threatened to tell Aaron if I didn’t so I had to do it before Aaron found out from Cain. And then Liv had her seizure so I persuaded him to drop it for now, or so I thought. As soon as we got home, he made me tell him,” Robert said.

“How’d he take it?”

“He’s mad that I lied to him,” Robert said. You’re one problem I don’t need.

“Well he’s had a rough day. I’m sure it’s just tempers running high. He’s probably just as scared as you,” Faith said.

“Do you think it’d be better if I just went away? To prison I mean,” Robert said.

“Of course not. Where’d ya get that idea?” Faith asked.

Robert shrugged. “I cause problems, don’t I? I caused this Lee situation, something everyone else is suffering for.”

“You’re suffering too, Robert,” Faith said. “You’re the one who might be going to prison.”

“Yeah.”

“What exactly did Aaron say?” Faith asked.

You’re one more problem Liv really doesn’t need right now. You’re one problem I don’t need. “Nothing much.”

“He found out his husband might end up in prison for life and had nothing to say?”

“Nothing about the charge.”

“So he did say something?”

Robert sighed. “He said that him and Liv didn’t need another problem to worry about.”

Faith paused. “I’m sure he didn’t mean it like that, love.”

“It’s true, though. Isn’t it? I mean, I’ve caused him nothing but problems for years now. And Liv,” Robert said. “If only I’d have just kept my head when Lee started spouting off, this never would have happened!”

“We all wish we could take things back, get a do-over but we can’t,” Faith said. “But just because you made one mistake—a mistake of hitting that fucking disgusting man who deserved a lot worse than that—does not mean you’re a problem that needs sorting. The trial and court case, that’s a problem. You, Robert, are not a problem. And if that husband of yours says that you are, well I know a fabulous older woman who could be in the market for a new boytoy.”

Robert laughed. Faith joined in and the sat quietly for a minute.

“Are you all right though? Considering?” Faith asked quietly.

“I’m scared,” Robert admitted. “I don’t want to go to prison. I don’t want to lose my family.”

“You’re not gonna lose them,” Faith said. “No matter what happens. They love you to bits, even if they sometimes have a funny way of showing it.”

“If it’s years…”

“You’re a part of the family, Robert. You best not think prison is a way out of it.” Faith elbowed him in the side. “Now why don’t we go and have a chat with my grandson. I’ve got a few choice words to say to him.”

“Best leave it for now,” Robert said. “He’s really stressed about everything going on with Liv.”

“Fine,” Faith said. “But know that I’m coming round tomorrow to give him an earful.”

[dingletragedy]

99. I fell in love with you, not them. ( the prompt thingy) 🤗

my attempt at humour. (thank u!!) 

Robert was having, what he classes as, a really productive week.

That was until he found himself in a prison cell of all places.

You could say it was a slight inconvenience.

An inconvenience because he’d done nothing wrong.

Well not in the grand scheme of things - he was the lessor of all criminals in this situation, but he was the only one spending the after in a prison cell because the Dingles know how to avoid prison don’t they?

And Robert, well he was only half Dingle.

—

It had all started when Belle returned home in the early hours of the morning after a night out with some old school friends, claiming that she was almost instantly alarmed by the lack of a certain pig milling around the place.

Which is how Robert had found himself up at Wishing Well for a family crisis meeting at the crack of dawn.

He’d thought about sacking it off, fobbing them off with an excuse about meeting a client, but then it struck him that he’s just blown his own business to pieces, and figured someone, most likely Cain, would catch him out and chop his bollocks off.

That, and Aaron was out of the village, at a scrap convention in Shipley. He’d made Robert promise to call with any news and keep an eye on everyone. The Dingles hadn’t been having much luck as of late, so he could understand Aaron’s concerns.

Plus, he’d never admit it aloud but Robert loves having this big family - loves being needed and dependent on. It makes him feel part of something, that he’s valued and respected in - never overlooked or tossed aside like he has been with his own family many times previously.

—

He’d gone to the meeting, resisted the urge to roll his eyes once he’d heard that all the fuss was about a bloody pig. He’d met Charity’s eye from across the room and seen his own feelings reflecting back at him.

That’s the thing with him and Charity - they both lack sympathy for those who aren’t themselves or their respective partners. Some may call them selfish but Robert knows better.

Robert thinks he’s the most selfless person he knows - considering he spent two hours trecking around the outskirts of Emmerdale whistling for a bloody pig, not just any pig no - a pig named Spmanela Hamderson.

He’s just glad Aaron can’t see him right now, or god forbid Liv - they’d rip him to sheds.

After what seems like a lifetime, Cain posts an update in the family WhatsApp chat.

Robert fumbles with his phone to see the message, fingers cold from the bitter February air.

The message he reads makes him chuckle to himself, not quite believing the situation he’s in.

We think we’ve found her. In some thieving bastards pen. Now we just need to steal her back before the farmers get wind. Girls go recoupe at home - this is a mans job.

It’s a mans job, whatever that means. 

He’s pretty sure Charity is more experienced in this sort of criminal activity than all 4 men put together. 

But well, Roberts a man isn’t he? So he supposes he better get a shift on - the address Cain sends though is, thankfully, just up the top of the road.

—

Nothing about the farm screams criminal activity - and he voices that opinion to the men, which he soon learns is a terrible mistake.

Maybe Cain will chop his balls off after all.

Of course, they have this whole plan laid out. Sammy calls it the ‘how to steal your own pig guide’ and honestly, Robert can’t comprehend how Sammy has made it to the ripe age of 41 in, mostly, one piece.

It’s all going smoothly until they hear sirens.

Because of-fucking-course this pig is in fact not Spamela.

And sure, Robert’s covered up a murder before but he’s at a loss of what to do in this situation.

Luckily for him, Sammy takes the lead.

Only he puts Robert right at the forefront of everything, doesn’t he?

Oh yeah, apparently this was all Robert’s idea.

And the fact he’s holding an obvious pair of fence cutters doesn’t exactly do him any favours.

It’s safe to say Roberts the only one who ends up in the back of a police car - apparently, he’s the brains of the family - which Sammy seems to think is a solid ground of reason to throw Robert under a fucking double-decker bus.

—

It must be nearing eight o’clock by now; the small window in his cell has been streaming nothing but a dark glow for hours now.

And Robert knows Aaron’s here, knows because he’s been told by DS Wise, and knows because he’s heard him gobbing off.

Knowing the Dingles are going to be on the receiving end of an angry Aaron right now, is more than a comfort to him.

They deserve it.

Because Roberts too old for his. He has too many responsibilities, he has children for God’s sake.

But more importantly, he’d planned a special night in for Aarons return. Just the two of them, a bottle of expensive red and an empty house to make the most of.

The whole lot of them should count themselves lucky that he’s just been released without further questioning.

—

When he arrives home Aaron is stood in the kitchen. He’s leaning over the sink, his back to Robert and his chest is heaving rapidly.

He’s talking on the phone, well no, he’s shouting. Roberts not sure who he’s spitting his harsh words at but rather them than him, he thinks to himself.

As soon as he hears Robert shuffling towards him he haphazardly throws his phone on the counter and visually sighs with relief.

He’s on Robert in seconds, stretching up on his toes to wrap his arms around his neck.

“Robert, I’m so sorry” He’s saying, over and over again. Robert reckons he’s got nothing to be sorry for, and he tells him as much.

“I know but - God Robert, you could’ve been arrested - charged - and that’s not fair Rob, it’s not. I couldn’t cope if you were inside”. Aarons saying, eyes shining with unshed tears.

And that’s the thing isn’t it? This runs so much deeper for Aaron. Even the slightest mention of prison has Aaron’s back up, mind flooding with painful memories and fear.

Robert could kill Sammy and Cain right now. If Aaron hasn’t already, that is.

“Hey, listen to me,” Robert says softly, “I’m going nowhere, I’d never leave you Aaron.” He places his hand on Aaron’s face and wipes away the stray tear that he couldn’t contain any longer.

Aaron huffs out a laugh, void of any amusement, “What and you’re sure you don’t want to divorce me?” Aaron asks, sounds too genuine for Roberts liking.

“Of course not, you idiot,” Robert reassures him. “I might have to divorce your family though.” He says, attempting to lighten the mood.

Only Aaron casts his head down towards the floor, a tear splashing from his face, thudding on the floor and on Robert’s heart too. And Robert, well he hates everyone who turned Aaron into this insecure mess.

“I fell in love with you, not them, okay? And this, nor anything else, will ever change that, Mr. Sugden-Dingle.”

And that gets him a slight smile, shy and apprehensive but a smile none the less. He takes the opportunity to solidify his love for Aaron with a tender kiss.

So Robert doesn’t get the night in he had planned, but he does fall asleep with his head on Aaron’s lap and fingers scratching lightly at his head - he reckons that might top anything else.

God being a Dingle is exhausting.

But he wouldn’t change it for the world.

prompt list

[lopithecusfanfiction]

Take it All Away: Chapter Five

Author: Lopithecus Pairing: Aaron Dingle/Robert Sugden Rating: Mature Word Count: 3029 Alternate: AO3 Author’s Note: Trigger warning for self harm in this chapter. Also, it's probably a best bet to expect other forms of self harm from here on out, especially after Aaron finds out.

Robert walks aimlessly for hours, hands shoved into his jacket pockets, and head hung low so he won’t meet anyone’s eyes. He’s mad and disappointed at the fact that Aaron told his mum, that he would tell anyone after Robert had asked him not to. He wonders if Aaron has told Liv as well. At this point, the whole damn village might as well know.

Robert doesn’t want to live in that shame. If people were to find out, they would judge him and think less of him, wouldn’t they? Or maybe they’ll think Robert, evil self-centered Robert, deserved it. That he was only asking for it eventually, that he got what he deserved after causing so much pain to so many people. It’s about time he was hurt back, right?

Robert feels sick with the thought.

He doesn’t know how long he’s been walking for but his feet begin to hurt and he’s shivering from the cold. Somehow he ends up at the cricket pavilion and, not wanting to go home just yet, he decides to rest inside. It’s not very warm but at least it’s out of the cold wind that has picked up. Plus, it’s out from watchful eyes, away from people he can’t escape. The last thing he wants to do is run into Chas or Paddy or, God forbid, Vic or Diane. He doesn’t know how he would deal with that kind of humiliation right now.

Sitting down in a fairly empty corner, Robert leans his head back against the wall and sighs. He’s tired. So, so tired. He’s been sleeping on the sofa, still unable to make himself climb into his and Aaron’s bed. Robert isn’t sure what is wrong with him, why he can’t do it. It’s not the hotel bed, Theo isn’t there but Aaron is, and it shouldn’t remind him of what happened at all. But it does and every time he thinks about lying there, his heart starts to beat fast and the panic starts to settle in. He knows he can’t keep it up, especially since he’s not really getting much sleep on the sofa in the first place, but he also doesn’t want to force the matter. So he remains perpetually tired, walking around The Mill as if he were a zombie. He can’t even properly focus on work, he’s so tired.

Robert blinks a few times and finds his eyelids drooping, the fight against sleep a quickly losing battle. He doesn’t want to sleep. That’s where the nightmares are. But he can’t stop it and soon he finds himself slumping against the wall, head lolling forward, and his eyes closing completely.

He’s back in the nightclub, calling out to Aaron. He can see him, just in the distance amongst a group of people. He looks happy as he dances, huge smile on his face. Robert tries to approach, two bottles of beer in hand, one no doubt for Aaron and one for himself. He calls out to his husband again, trying to push his way through the crowd but it grows thicker and Aaron gets further and further away. Robert is pushed back, people constantly bumping into him. He drops one of the beers and looks down at the shattered glass.

When someone bumps into his shoulder, he looks up and finds himself no longer in the nightclub. Instead he’s lying on a bed in an unfamiliar room. There’s a man above him but it’s not Aaron. Robert calls out for his husband again but the man places a hand over his mouth, quieting him.

The man leans over and whispers in his ear, “Perfect.”

Sweat gathers on Robert’s body and he realizes he is no longer clothed. When he tries to fight the man off, the man laughs, loud and obnoxious. Robert can’t move and tears are gathering in his eyes as the man’s other hand wraps around his throat and squeezes, cutting off Robert’s oxygen supply. Robert tries to struggle again but he can feel the rope around his wrists now and around his ankles. He doesn’t know when they were put there. His heart is pounding wildly in his chest and tears are streaming down his cheeks.

Squeezing his eyes shut, he tries to yell for help but the next time he opens them, he’s underwater, drowning. He’s alone and there’s no one to save him, no one to love or miss him. He tries to swim to the surface, reach for Aaron’s hand that has appeared but something’s got his ankle. Looking down, he sees Theo’s grinning face, one hand wrapped around his ankle as he drags him down further and further. Reaching as far as he can, he tries to desperately touch Aaron, to allow Aaron to save him but then Aaron’s face turns grim, frown in place of his worried look, and swats Robert’s hand away.

Robert calls Aaron’s name once more but Aaron is shaking his head. “I’m disappointed in you, Robert.”

“No!” he gurgles, kicking at Theo’s hands.

“You can’t expect me to stay with you after this.”

“Aaron please!”

“You’re tainted, disgusting.” Aaron’s frown turns into a grimace. “I don’t love you, Robert. Why would I waste my time and energy in trying to save you.” Aaron grows more distant as Robert is pulled further down, Theo’s hands now around his waist. “You deserved this.” Aaron sneers and Robert tries to wiggle free. “Just hurry up and die already.”

Theo laughs in his ear. “Come here, gorgeous.” Robert struggles but Theo is completely wrapped around him now. “So perfect.”

Robert wakes with a start, two hands holding his face. Robert rapidly blinks his eyes, clearing the fog from them, to see Aaron’s face close to his. “Thank God, I couldn’t wake you for a minute there,” Aaron breathes, falling back onto his bottom and letting go of Robert’s face. “You worried me, you big muppet.”

Robert takes in a few lungfuls of air, willing his heart to stop beating out of his chest. His entire body is covered in a cold sweat, making him shiver in the cool night air. Aaron must see because the next thing he knows, Aaron is taking off his jacket and wrapping it around Robert’s shoulders. “Here.” One of Aaron’s hands come up to cup his cheek. “You alright?”

Robert wipes a hand down his face, causing Aaron to let go of him. “Bad dream.” Aaron frowns, worry etched into his face. Robert looks around the pavilion. “What are you doing here?”

“I was scared about ya, wasn’t I?” Aaron sighs, face softening. “Robert you can’t do that again. You can’t just run off because we had a fight and disappear for hours. I thought somethin’ had happened to ya.”

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to worry you,” he tells his husband. “I just… I needed some air. I felt like I was suffocating.”

“I get it, Robert, I really do, but after what you just asked me this morning, I…” Aaron doesn’t complete his sentence, just sighs again. His husband’s eyes travel the entire length of his body. “You haven’t hurt yourself, have you?

“No!” Robert snaps at him. “I told ya I wouldn’t. I haven’t.”

“Okay.” Aaron holds up placating hands. “I believe ya.” Aaron stares at him, scrutinizing his entire body. Robert can’t stop shivering and Aaron reaches over, pulls the jacket closed. “I’m sorry I told my mum… and you were right. She told Paddy.”

Robert screws his eyes shut and furrows his brows, bowing his head and groaning at hearing that news. “I didn’t want anyone to know.” He feels like he’s on the verge of a breakdown. “I can’t handle Victoria and Diane knowing, Aaron.”

“They won’t.” Aaron soothes a hand across Robert’s shoulder and down his arm. “I’ll make sure of it.” He stares for a few more seconds before lunging forward and wrapping Robert into his arms. “God, I was so worried about ya.”

Robert buries his face into Aaron’s neck, breathing him in and trying to stop his shaking. His heart won’t stop pounding wildly in his chest. He can feel Aaron’s hand rubbing circles into his back, trying to relax him. “M’sorry.”

Aaron squeezes him and then pulls back, cupping his face in his hands. “Don’t be. Just promise you won’t run off again”

“I promise,” Robert says. “I just… I felt like I couldn’t breathe, Aaron.”

“Look, Robert, I get it. I know what you’re feeling and I’m sorry I made it all about me by telling my mum.” Aaron strokes one of his hands down Robert’s cheek resting it on Robert’s forearm while the other hand stays on his face. He gives Robert a sympathetic smile and it makes Robert’s stomach clench in guilt. “We need to start communicating better or else we are going to end up in the same mess that we always end up in when we bottle things.”

Robert nods in agreement, bowing his head to look down at his lap. He’s cold, even with Aaron’s jacket as an extra barrier to the chilly air. “I should be over it by now.”

“What?”

Robert looks up. “I can barely even remember it, Aaron,” he lies. “I should be past it by now. I should be fine now.”

Aaron is shaking his head, eyes full of so much empathy it makes Robert want to puke. He doesn’t deserve it. “That’s not how it works, Robert. Look how long it took me to move on from what Gordon did to me.”

“That’s different,” Robert argues. “You were a kid and it happened more than once. It was worse for you.”

“No, Robert, it’s not a competition.” Robert looks away, not being able to stand the sight of tenderness in Aaron’s eyes. “Rape is rape - yes it is,” Aaron says to Robert as Robert shakes his head. “It is and it doesn’t matter when it happened or how old you are or how much it happened. It’s still traumatizing no matter what and I don’t expect you to just be okay with it within days.” He gently lifts Robert’s head. “Look at me. I love you and support ya. There’s no time limit on this thing, Robert, and there’s no limit on how it’s affected you.”

Robert isn’t so sure he believes Aaron. He feels pathetic for allowing something like this to upset him this much. He feels like he doesn’t have a right, that he doesn’t have a right to let it get to him or talk about this stuff to Aaron because he knows it’s bringing up bad, worse memories than what Robert could ever dream of. Because no matter what Aaron says, in the end, Aaron still had it worse than him. Who is he to complain?

Robert nods in agreement to please Aaron and his husband seems to be satisfied with that for now. “Thank you for coming to find me.”

Aaron smiles at him again, this time with a lot more love than sympathy, and Robert can accept this one. “Always.” Aaron strokes his face one last time before standing, gesturing with his head. “Come on, let’s go home. I think you’re due for a warm shower.”

Robert gets up off the floor, smiling playfully. “Care to join me?”

Aaron reaches over, same playful smile plastered on his face, and tightens his jacket around Robert’s frame. “Do I have to wear my boxers again?”

Robert chuckles as they make their way out of the pavillion. “No.” Aaron’s smile grows larger and it’s the only thing that makes Robert feel just a little normal at the moment.

*~~~*

When Aaron and Robert get home, they are laughing and Robert is feeling good, something he hasn’t felt in a few days. It’s nice to laugh with his husband, act as if everything is okay. Aaron held him in his arms as they walked and then pulled him into a hug when they entered The Mill. That’s where Robert finds himself now, in Aaron’s embrace, the one place he feels the safest. He never wants to leave it.

The moment is broken when Liv comes down the stairs. “Awe, aren’t you two adorable.”

Aaron pulls away and Robert resists the urge to pull him back. Aaron shoots Liv a fake smile and she gives him one back, the pair bursting into giggles afterward. “Did you need something? Only Robert and I were ‘bout to go take a shower.”

Liv’s face scrunches into a grimace. “Ew, too much information.” Aaron smiles in triumph at making his little sister uncomfortable. “Actually, there is something.” She shifts on her feet and Robert can already feel his heart sinking into dread. Liv’s eyes dart to him and then back to Aaron. “But, uh, it’s a secret.”

“A secret?” Aaron clarifies, looking confused.

“Yeah.” She pauses. “Not for you but for him.” Liv gestures towards Robert and Robert tries to not read too much into it. “I was hoping you would come with me.”

Aaron looks towards Robert and then back to Liv. “Now?”

“Well, yeah. I want to do it as soon as possible,” she answers.

Aaron is looking at him again, hesitating, and once more Robert feels guilty at making Aaron worry about him. “Go,” he tells his husband, putting on his best smile he can muster at the moment.

Aaron’s lips pull up at the edges, his own fake smile, Robert knows. “What about our shower?”

Robert pulls Aaron in, kisses his lips, and pulls back, hands firmly on Aaron’s hips. “Rain check?”

Aaron looks skeptical but Robert knows his husband can’t say anything in front of Liv. So instead Aaron nods slowly, kisses him one last time, and steps out of Robert’s hold. “Love you.” He nods as he says it, as if having to confirm or beat into place that he means it and Robert better believe it or else.

“Love you too,” he says back because he does even though, as he watches the two leave the flat, the niggling sensation of rejection settles into his chest.

He doesn’t know what Liv was on about, doesn’t know why she needs to keep it from him but not Aaron, and tries to figure out what exactly he did wrong to get on the bad side of Liv. He can’t remember doing anything to make her mad or upset her. But then again, his memory hasn’t been all that great lately, what with the sleep deprivation and all.

With a deep breath, Robert walks over to the table and rests his hands on it, leaning into it to support himself. The Mill is quiet and suddenly Robert is acutely aware of just how alone he is. It’s a weird feeling, something he hadn't felt until now. While Aaron is at work and Liv is at college, he enjoys the alone time. It’s times like this that Robert doesn’t have to worry about Liv’s questions and Aaron’s concerned looks. It’s when he can ignore that guilt of worrying them.

But now, with The Mill so empty, he feels like it’s all closing in on him. The walls are too close and the ceiling is crushing him. The air he tries to gulp into his lungs burns and his vision starts to blur with tears. Curling his fingers to form fists, Robert pushes into the table more, trying to keep his breathing under control and willing his heart to stop beating out of his chest. Nothing works until he remembers, long ago, when Aaron explained to him that the cuts helped calm all the emotions he was feeling inside.

Robert had been confused one day, back when they had just gotten back together after the affair, about Aaron’s scars. He had asked him why Aaron did it and hesitantly Aaron had told him that. This morning, Robert had hoped Aaron would elaborate, explain a little more because at the time, only mere hours ago, Robert didn’t understand why hurting yourself would make the emotions he was feeling calmer. Aaron refused to give him that explanation.

He’ll just have to figure it out himself.

Pushing off the table, he reaches out to the drawer with all the knives with shaky hands. He’s still breathing uncontrollably, gasping for air that stings his lungs. Sweat has begun to form on his body and the tears are now rolling down his cheeks. He has to blink them away before grabbing for a knife.

He places the knife at the tip of his finger. Robert isn’t quite sure why he chooses this part of himself, rationalizes that it would be easier to come up with an excuse as to why he has a cut on his finger than one on his arm or any other part of his body. He presses the edge of the knife against his skin, briefly thinks about all the times he got upset at Aaron for cutting himself, then says, fuck it, and presses harder until he can see blood.

It drips down his finger and onto the counter top and as he watches the flow, his breathing calms and his heart rate slows. Robert, however, isn’t sure if it’s from the cut or if it’s just from being distracted. He’ll have to probe more from Aaron, hopefully without making his husband even more suspicious. 

Quickly, Robert grabs a kitchen towel and wraps it around his finger. It’s starting to sting now and he doesn’t want to get blood everywhere. He takes another towel and cleans up the blood after wetting it down. He’ll have to throw the kitchen towels away outside so Aaron doesn’t see but in the meantime, he keeps the one around his finger firmly in place as he goes to the bathroom to get the first aid kit. Digging through the box, he pulls out a plaster and replaces the towel with that. Afterward, he goes outside to throw the two towels in the dustbin and then washes the knife after having left it in the sink.

He then goes to take that much needed shower, feeling calmer and more at ease than he has in days.

———————————————————————————————————–

A/N: Thank you for reading!

[chaossmagic]

ohmygod i LITERALLY had a full two hour long breakdown about robert's relationship with sarah and jack yesterday. and how he never got closure with his father and never got to properly talk about it and heal. and how sarah's death is literally like the key to all of his issues. and THEN emmerdale has the AUDACITY to release a preview where they acknowledge that yes robert has still not been able to address his issues hah hah die mad about it sara.... god i feel feral just thinking about it

LISTEN ROBERT JACOB SUGDEN DESERVES BETTER OKAY

and yes okay so jack is dead, so what? he’s supposed to just magically forget that all of the emotional and psychological abuse he got from him ever happened? that it’s okay that he basically treated him like dirt for YEARS because you’re not supposed to speak ill of the dead? that it doesn’t matter anymore???

EXCEPT IT DOES AND WE HAVE CANON PROOF. like those scenes where robert talks about how his dad didn’t let him live with sarah after they split even though she was, in all sense of the word, his mum, just because he was ‘only’ her step-son and not her ‘real’ son

or that time that everything to do with his fear and worry about the surrogacy and why he was so determined to go for a longer-term plan which would cost more but yet be more legally sound so he wouldn’t lose another child WAS ALSO RELATED TO HIS ISSUES WITH HIS PARENTS

like how he physically recoils any time someone makes reference to how proud jack would be of him…because he knows he wouldn’t be, personal experience made jack’s opinion of him very clear and he knows it’s a load of bull but he still can’t talk about it

because jack sugden is a saint to most people and not the kind of man who would beat his child for something they had no control over (and i believe there are other instances where he was physically violent towards robert on-screen, not just the incident we know about from ssw16)

he’s definitely not the kind of man who would degrade, openly resent, belittle, and actively go out of his way to treat one of his own children like they were lesser or not worth anything

except we know he actually did all of those things and that those things have left robert with some very deep and very painful scars that pretty much defined his entire life from his early teens to now

his crippling internalized homo/biphobia is because of his dad 

his feelings of worthlessness and not being worthy of love are because of his dad, and also because of the fact that the one person who did love him unconditionally was ripped from him and he wasn’t even allowed to grieve or properly mourn her, again because of his dad

in fact the only person who’s ever loved him completely and wholly unconditionally except sarah is aaron

imagine what that does to a person

imagine how that can fuck you up for life, knowing that everyone worships the ground your abuser walked on, and even in their death you can’t find any peace, so you’re forced to keep quiet for the rest of your life

(tl;dr: robert is a textbook case of chronic low-level high-functioning depression with infrequent episodes of mania and THAT IS THE TRUTH OF THE MATTER. SOMEONE GET HIM SOME HELP PLEASE.)

[rustandruin]

Was it everything to you? BECAUSE IT WAS EVERYTHING TO ME!

IT WAS EVERYTHING. LET ME COUNT THE WAYS IN WHICH IT WAS:

(Under the cut because it’s me, and it got long.)

SOMEONE TAKING THE TIME TO DO THE CALLIGRAPHY ON THE CHALKBOARD SIGN THEY PUT OUTSIDE THE PUB ANNOUNCING THE WEDDING. 

ROBERT BEING ABLE TO SPEND EVEN ONE NIGHT AWAY FROM AARON AFTER HAVING BEEN APART FROM HIM FOR THE BETTER PART OF A YEAR. (NOT TO MENTION THEIR MANY VACATIONS APART.) 

ROBERT AND AARON PROBABLY DISCUSSING HOW THE LAST TIME THEY GOT MARRIED THEY WERE SHARING A ROOM ABOVE THE PUB AND JUST LAYING THERE IN BED AND CHATTING UNTIL THEY BOTH DOZED OFF STILL SMILING AT EACH OTHER. 

CHAS BEING HAPPY THAT HER SON FOUND A PARTNER WHO WANTS HIM AS BADLY THE NIGHT BEFORE THE WEDDING AS HE DID THE DAY THEY FIRST KISSED. 

AARON BEING WELL AWARE THAT HIS LUNATIC HUSBAND HAS A SUIT KINK. 

AARON LETTING CHAS KNOW HOW MUCH IT MEANS TO HIM THAT SHE’S BEING STRONG FOR HIM TODAY. 

ERIC CHECKING FAITH OUT AS SHE ADJUSTED HER SHOE. (I STAN ONE OLDER COUPLE WHO WANT EACH OTHER LIKE TEENAGERS.)

EVERYONE ROASTING BERNICE FOR SETTING ROBERT UP WITH CHEF MIKE. 

MATTY’S A++ OUTFIT. 

ROBERT THINKING TO CHECK UP ON LIV’S SPEECH PROBABLY BECAUSE HE KNEW SHE WAS NERVOUS ABOUT IT.

ROBERT ASKING AARON IF HE’S READY. (UNLIKE THE LAST WEDDING, ROBERT ISN’T NERVOUS. HE’S JUST HOPING AARON IS READY TO DO THIS.) 

AARON RETURNING ROBERT’S WATCH AND SAYING HE KEPT IT BECAUSE IT WAS A SIGN THAT ROBERT HADN’T LOST HIM. AARON THINKING THAT WASN’T A GOOD ENOUGH GIFT. ROBERT BEING ALL, “OF COURSE IT IS. YOUR VERY PRESENCE IS PERFECTION.” 

THEM WALKING PAST ALL THEIR GUESTS TO THE INSTRUMENTAL VERSION OF THE SONG THAT THEY WALKED OUT TO DURING THEIR FIRST WEDDING. 

THEM ACTUALLY GETTING MARRIED OUTSIDE IN THE OPEN AIR, SURROUNDED BY LEAVES AND MUSIC BECAUSE NOTHING ABOUT THEIR LOVE NEEDS TO BE OR SHOULD BE HIDDEN. THEY’RE BOTH SO COMFORTABLE IN WHO THEY ARE AND HOW THEY FEEL. 

SEB WEARING A LITTLE HAT AND SUIT WHICH YOU KNOW ROBERT PRESSED THE NIGHT BEFORE, MINUTES BEFORE HE SNUCK OVER TO THE PUB WHILE LIV BABYSAT. #BESTPREWEDDINGPRESENTEVER

LIV CARRYING SEB. VIC WALKING BY HERSELF. BOTH OF THEM HAVING THEIR MOTHER FIGURES BESIDE THEM. 

NO ONE OBJECTING TO OR INTERRUPTING THE WEDDING. JUST SMILING UP AT THEM. AARON GRINNING AT ROBERT ALL SMUGLY, AS IF TO SAY, “SEE? WE HAVE NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT.” ROBERT LETTING OUT A SIGH OF RELIEF WHILE GRINNING BECAUSE NOT ONLY IS HIS HUSBAND-TO-BE-RIGHT BUT YEAH, NO ONE THINKS THIS IS A BAD IDEA. (YOU KNOW THEY DISCUSSED THIS LAST NIGHT.)

VIC TELLING THEM THERE’S ONE GUY THAT’S PERFECT FOR YOU AND BOTH OF THEM NODDING AND HOLDING HANDS BECAUSE YEAH. AREN’T THEY LUCKY THEY FOUND HIM AND ARE ABOUT TO MARRY HIM TWICE??? 

BOTH THEIR VOICES BEING HEAVY AND LADEN WITH EMOTION. 

AARON’S LITTLE LAUGH OF DISBELIEF AS HE SAID, “LAWFUL WEDDED HUSBAND.” 

BOTH OF THEM CRYING AS THEY SAID THEIR VOWS. 

THE RINGS. GOD KNOWS IF THEY REMELTED THEM DOWN INTO NEW RINGS MADE OF THE OLD ONES (TO SIGNIFY THEIR REFORGED BOND) BUT OH BOY DID I LOVE THAT. 

HUSBAND AND HUSBAND. (ALSO SHOUTOUT TO THE WORLD’S MOST ENTHUSIASTIC WEDDING OFFICIANT.)

THE SPEED WITH WHICH THEY KISSED EACH OTHER. BOTH THEIR HANDS GENTLY CUPPING THE BACK OF THEIR HEADS AS THEY CAME IN FOR A DOUBLE KISS, THE SECOND ONE MORE FIRM BECAUSE YES THEY MADE IT TO THIS MOMENT. THEY’RE BOTH OFFICIALLY KISSING THEIR HUSBAND. ALSO, THEY JUST DECLARED THEIR COMMITMENT IN SO MANY WAYS. THEY LITERALLY CAN’T LOVE EACH OTHER MORE RIGHT NOW. 

EVERYONE CHEERING FOR THEM AS THEY KISSED. 

ROBERT’S LITTLE RUN TO HOLD AARON’S HAND AS THEY WALKED BACK UP THE AISLE BECAUSE HE DIDN’T WANT TO BE APART FROM HIM ANY LONGER THAN NECESSARY. 

ROBERT’S DEEPER VOICE AS HE GAVE HIS SPEECH, WHICH WAS SURPRISINGLY SHORT AND CONCISE AND SUMMED UP EVERYTHING THAT AARON MEANS TO HIM (ACCEPTANCE, LOVE, FRIENDSHIP, FAMILY), WHILE STILL MANAGING TO PUT A FAINT TEAR IN AARON AND MY EYES. 

EVERYONE ROASTING ROBERT WHEN HE SAID “MY HUSBAND AND I” BECAUSE YOU KNOW THEY KNOW HE’S GOING TO BE DROPPING THAT TITLE AROUND LIKE A MADMAN. 

KERRY’S “UH OH” FACE TO NICOLA BECAUSE SHE TOTALLY DIDN’T KNOW PEOPLE WERE BRINGING GIFTS. 

THE CHRISTMAS SWEATER PHOTO.

AARON THINKING ANYTHING HE MIGHT SAY ABOUT HIS LOVE FOR ROBERT BEING NOT GOOD ENOUGH AS HIS HUSBAND GAZED AT HIM LIKE HE COULD DO NO WRONG AND LIKE HE WAS THE LUCKIEST MAN ALIVE. AARON ACKNOWLEDGING THAT THE CORNERSTONE OF MARRIAGE IS SUPPORTING EACH OTHER THROUGH THE TOUGH TIMES BECAUSE ROBERT WAS THERE FOR HIM DURING THIS LAST WEEK JUST LIKE HE HAS BEEN SINCE HE HAS COME INTO AARON’S LIFE, GOING BACK TO THAT TIME THEY HUGGED WHEN CAIN WAS IN HOSPITAL. 

THE HUG. (WHERE ROBERT PROBABLY TOLD AARON THAT HE WILL ALWAYS BE ENOUGH.)

PADDY SUMMING UP AARON’S ENTIRE JOURNEY THUS FAR AND CALLING HIM HIS SON. 

LIV MENTIONING HER KICKING ROBERT IN THE BALLS, PROBABLY HER WAY OF TEASING HIM FOR THE “HELP” HE TRIED TO GIVE HER WHEN SHE WAS FIRST WRITING THIS SPEECH. LIV THANKING BOTH OF THEM FOR BEING HER BROTHERS. 

DOUG SMILING PROUDLY DURING LIV’S SPEECH. 

CHAS’ TELLING EVERYONE THAT SHE DIDN’T WANT TO CANCEL BECAUSE SHE WANTED TO CELEBRATE THIS VERY SPECIAL MOMENT IN AARON’S LIFE, ONE SHE WON’T GET WITH GRACE, BUT BY ALL THAT IS HOLY WAS SHE GOING TO LET AARON MISS OUT ON THIS PERFECT DAY HE DESERVES. 

AARON TENDING TO A FUSSY SEB BECAUSE HE KNOWS THAT IT WOULD UPSET CHAS. BUT ALSO SEB QUIETING DOWN NOW THAT HIS DAD IS IN FRONT OF HIM ALL OFFICIALLY MARRIED. (POOR GUY DEFINITELY WANTED TO GIVE A SPEECH ABOUT HOW HE IS SECRETLY RESPONSIBLE FOR THIS DAY.) 

CHAS’ SPEECH SIGNIFYING THAT THIS UNION NOT ONLY GAVE HER A SON-IN-LAW, BUT ALSO, TWO UNOFFICIAL DAUGHTERS AND HER FIRST GRANDCHILD. (CHAS KNOWING THAT THERE WILL BE MORE TINY SUGDEN-DINGLES RUNNING AROUND ONE DAY.)

SUGDEN-DINGLE. 

AARON AND ROBERT BOTH GETTING CHAS HUGS. 

ROBERT HANGING OUT WITH VANESSA, SAM, AND FAITH ON THE DANCE FLOOR??? 

ROBERT SUGDEN FEELING SO HAPPY AND FREE AND LOOSE THAT HE WAS ACTUALLY DANCING LIKE A MAD MAN. 

FAITH GETTING HER WISH AND ACTUALLY DANCING WITH ROBERT TO A POINT WHERE ERIC FELT THE NEED TO CUT IN. (I MEAN, FAITH SHOOTING HER SHOT AND GETTING RESULTS IS AMAZING ANYWAY.)

ROBERT DANCING WITH KERRY, WHO WAS SO BAFFLED BY THE COMPLETE 180 FROM THE “SAD PANDA WHO DIDN’T KNOW HOW HIS BITS WORK” TO THIS FREE-DANCING-LUNATIC THAT SHE JUST ADJUSTED AND COPIED HIS MOVES. BECAUSE WHAT ELSE ARE YOU SUPPOSED TO DO WITH ROBERT WHEN HE’S LIKE THIS.

MATTY’S OUTFIT. (IT BEARS REPEATING.)

ROBERT DANCING OVER TO VIC AND AARON BECAUSE HE SAW CONFLICT AND WANTED TO BE THERE IN CASE AARON NEEDED HIM. (A DIRECT PARALLEL TO WHEN AARON BACKED HIM UP WHILE TALKING TO LACHLAN.) 

AARON NEEDING SOME SEB CUDDLES TO CALM DOWN AFTER WHAT VIC SAID. ROBERT COMING IN TO CHECK ON BOTH OF THEM, AND REITERATING THAT NO ONE WILL BE SPLITTING THEM UP AND THAT THEY’RE A FAMILY NOW. AARON DINGLE WILL NOT BE GOING BACK TO PRISON HIS WATCH. 

BOTH OF THEM DROPPING THE WORD “HUSBAND” LIKE IT’S GOING OUT OF STYLE. 

ROBERT HAPPILY SWATTING THE JUST MARRIED BALLOON AT THE BACK OF THE CAR. 

ROBERT BEING WILLING TO CANCEL THE HONEYMOON, BUT AARON INSISTING THEY GET TO GO ENJOY THIS TIME TO THEIR SELVES. #PROPERWEDDINGPROPERHONEYMOON 

AARON REVEALING THAT HE CHOSE THE ORDER OF THE HYPHENATION, EVEN THOUGH HE’S GRUMPING ABOUT IT NOW. (CAN YOU BELIEVE THEY HAD THIS WHOLE CONVERSATION AND I SAT THROUGH SO MANY MINUTES OF DAZ TRYING TO CONTACT BERNICE???) ALSO, BOTH OF THEM KNOWING HOW TO CHEER EACH OTHER UP??? MARRIED LIFE HAS ALWAYS SUITED THEM. BUT NEVER MORE THAN THIS MOMENT. 

ROBERT’S “MR. SUGDEN DINGLE FIRST” DAD JOKE. 

ROBERT ACKNOWLEDGING THAT GETTING AARON OUT OF HIS SUIT IS HIS TRUE WEDDING GIFT. (YOU WILL NEVER NOT CONVINCE ME THAT HE DIDN’T TRY AND CONVINCE AARON TO GET INTO THE SUIT WHILE HE WAS STILL IN THE PUB LAST NIGHT BECAUSE HE LOVES THE WHOLE PROCESS.) 

AARON DRIVING ROBERT’S CAR. 

AARON CHECKING ON CHAS ONE LAST TIME EVEN AS HE DROVE AWAY ON HIS HONEYMOON. 

ROBERT AND AARON DRIVING OFF INTO THE SUNSET TOGETHER. 

[nooneelsecomesclose17]

Though winds of change are blowing wild and free - Part 2

So, there's this and another part to go with this, but I'm already thinking of another story just to wrap it all up nicely ;)

(AO3 link)

Day 64 - Christmas Day

He'd been dreading Christmas. On their own, he'd wondered if they'd spend the day missing everyone. In the end they'd made it special. It was the first Christmas they’d spent alone which meant there was already a certain amount of novelty. A lazy morning in bed before Robert had made them breakfast. That'd been followed by a walk in the nearby countryside, talking about everything and nothing. It'd been really special in its own way. Now they were curled up in front of the fire.

"It's been a really nice day. Having you to myself without any Dingle craziness."

"Quite the change. You miss them though don't you." the shifts on the sofa so he's facing him. "It's ok. Not like I'm not missing Vic and Diane"

"And Seb." They hadn't spoken about him all day, neither of them seemingly wanting to break the spell. "I miss him too."

"I was...I keep thinking, what toys did he get, what is he doing." He sniffles . "Do you think he misses us?"

"Course he does. I bet he's giving Ross hell too. You know, we could risk calling, if you wanted."

"No. I mean I do want to but... knowing Barton he'd dob us in. I'm not going to risk it. We sent the card." They'd worked out that if they travelled a little from the village and sent the card in a letter to Vic she could forward it on. "Do you think he'll grow up hating us?"

"Nah. He's got Vic and Diane to tell him stuff. He'll understand."

"Maybe. Maybe he'll be glad to be rid of his murdering mess of a Dad."

"Hey stop it. That little boy has the best Dad and always will. We'll figure it out. Somehow." He didn't know how but he'd come up with something.

"What about you. You want to call your Mum?"

"No. I miss her, despite everything but I know what it'll be like, she hasn't had nearly long enough to calm down yet. Anyway I text her this morning."

"And?"

“Nothing. That's how I know not to call. It's fine." He says when he sees Robert's face. "I've got everything I need."

"On that subject..." He reaches across to the table. "I do have one gift for you."

"I thought we said..." They'd agreed no gifts, that they would save their money. They weren't short, Cain had arranged the money from Aaron's account to be sent but it wouldn't last forever. "I don't have anything for you."

"I don't need it. You got me here. you've sorted everything while I've been all but useless. So this is just my way of saying thank you."

He rips open the envelope, looking at Robert when he finds hotel reservations for their anniversary in February. "Paris? You're taking me to Paris?"

"I thought you could show me around, tell me tales from your time on the run from the law. Maybe give me some tips."

"Ha ha. This is amazing. Thank you.” He leans in to kiss him, going back to reading the printout Robert had given him.

"Well it's not just for you. I'm coming too. We deserve a bit of luxury. We made it two months on the run."

"Any excuse eh? You always did like a good hotel ."

"Yes I did. Love you." He kisses him, hands finding his way under Aaron's jumper.

"Love you too.”

—————

Day 126

"Honey I'm home!" The joke falls flat when he sees Robert sitting on the sofa surrounded by photos. "Robert."

He pulls off his coat, kicking off his boots by the door. It'd been a long day. He'd found some work at a local garage, his, albeit limited, skills in french finally being an advantage He knew enough to get by and it was bringing in some money.

Robert still hadn't answered so he sits beside him, taking the photo he's holding. It's of Seb. He remembers when it was taken. They'd gone to the beach and Seb had enjoyed his first ice cream. Enjoyed it so much it was all round his mouth by the time he'd finished. That's when Robert had snapped the photo.

"He really did love that ice cream.” He picks up another photo, of Robert's family, the five of them outside the farm. Robert's smile was so wide and they all looked so happy.

"That was about three months before everything went wrong. Mum died that November." Aaron holds him close, kissing his hair. "Me and Andy look so happy there. Proper brothers."

"You were again. You made it right in the end. "

"You know, at first when we talked about another baby, all I could think was, would they fight, them and Seb would they be like me and Andy?"

"Nah. They would've been like these two. "He taps the photo. "Thick as thieves."

"When Andy came to live with us, when he could stay permanently, he called us the Sugden boys."

"Watch out Emmerdale, eh?"

"That's what I wanted for our kids. And now..."

"Yeah. Look, we can't look back Rob. All we can do is make the best of what we've got."

"It's just..."

I know." He puts the photo down. "Have you been sat here all day looking at these?"

"So what if I have? It's not like I have anything else to do now is it?" He sighs. It was an all too familiar conversation and he was at a loss to know what to say. He'd hoped when he'd started talking about family that he'd open up some more but it was gone, the shutters had come down again.

"Because it doesn't help, does it?"

"I miss my son Aaron, why don't you leave me alone."

"I have. For weeks I've been coming home to this. Do you think I don't miss him too?"

"So give me a break. You get to go to work, you get to go out. see people. I on the other hand get to stay here, all day, every day. If I'm lucky I might go to the shop."

"That's not my fault."

"You can just say it. It's my fault. If it weren't for me we'd be safe at home."

"You said it." It just comes out. He doesn't want to do this, but he's tired . He knew none of it was easy, he'd known that it would probably take Robert a long time to adjust but he needed him to at least try. They didn't ever talk any more, not really. They were falling apart and he didn't know how to stop it. All he knew was he couldn't do it alone.

"Cheers."

"What do you expect me to say Robert? We're here, there's no going back. We just have to make the best of what we have."

"What if I can't?"

"You don't have a choice."

"I could go home, hand myself in."

"You think you can handle prison any better than this?" Maybe this wasn't the right way but he has nothing else, no one to talk to no one to ask for help. All he has is Robert. He needs him.

He doesn't stop him when he gets up, not even when he throws on his coat, nor when he slams the door shut on his way out. He's exhausted. Maybe when he comes back he'll be in a better mood, perhaps this time they'll talk.

Everything had been going pretty well. He'd found his job pretty fast and Robert had set about doing up the house. They were in a little bubble of happiness feeling like nothing could touch them. Then Robert had run out of things to do, to keep him from thinking too much. Since then he'd gradually retreated cut himself off leaving Aaron feeling like he couldn't reach him.

It's an hour before he comes home and Aaron had spent the last thirty minutes stopping himself from going to find him, wanting to give him the space he needs.

"Hi."

"Hi." He just stands there, looking every bit a little child waiting to be scolded.

"Come here." He holds his arms out and Robert's next to him faster than he can blink. "It's alright'.'

"I thought...thought you wouldn't be here when I got back." His voice is quiet but Aaron can hear the tremble in it.

"I know. You think I didn't realise you've been pushing me away. I'm onto you. Mr Sugden."

"I don't know why... it's like a fog and I can't let myself..."

"What?"He keeps rubbing circles on his back, doesn't want to let him go.

“Hope." His heart breaks a little, he wishes he could just magic it all better.

"It's ok. We'll get through this. But you have to talk to me. It's just us here Robert. We only have each other."

"I know."

"Don't ever shut me out again Robert, I can't bear it."

"I won't. I know I've not been easy to live with lately. I'm trying..."

"I know. Listen I spoke to my boss, he said now it's gettin' warmer there might be some more work, passing tourists and that...said it's yours if you want. It's not much I know but it's better than being cooped up here everyday don't you think?" He nods. "Think you can remember one end of a spanner from another?"

"Oi! I used to run that garage you know." He grins and it's the first real smile he's seen for weeks.

"Yeah but you were a young whippersnapper back then. You're an old man now you know."

"I'll give you old man."

He knew they weren't fixed he knew it but for now we'd take What he could get.

[bartsugsy]

TOP TEN FAVOURITE EMMERDALE CHARACTERS

THX FOR TAGGING ME ANGELS @robertjacobsugdens @sour-grape-s @turquoiseterrier @whatdiknow

ALSO I’M EXHAUSTED AND RUNNING OFF SUGAR AND I MAKE NO APOLOGIES

AARON DINGLE. DUMBASS. LOVE HIM. LOVE TO YELL AT HIM. SUPPORT HIS RECENT HAIR CHOICES. 20/10 WOULD DIE FOR HIM TOMORROW.

ROBERT SUGDEN. JUST AS MUCH OF A DUMBASS. ALSO LOVE TO YELL AT HIM. SUPPORT HIS GROWTH. THAT CHARACTER GROWTH. LIKE TO PRETEND HE’S 0/10 FOR THE BANTS BUT HE’S 20/10 PROBS WOULD ALSO DIE FOR IF SLIGHTLY MORE RESENTFULLY AND WHILST YELLING ABUSE AT HIM FOR THE LOLS.

LIV FLAHERTY. WILL PROTECT HER TO THE END. THE PROTECTION SQUAD TAKES NO PRISONERS. SHE’S PERFECT THANKS. I WILL NOT BE TAKING FURTHER QUESTIONS AT THIS TIME. 1000/10. EVERY TIME SOMEONE IS MEAN TO OR ABOUT HER I ADD ANOTHER POINT TO HER RATING IN PROTEST.

SWEET LIL ELLIS CHAPMAN KING OF MY HEART. ANGEL. JUST WANTS TO PLAY FOOTBALL. LOVES KIDS. DESERVES NOTHING BUT HAPPINESS AND SUCCESS. 10/10 WOULD LET HIM TEACH ME SPORTS AGAIN.

DOUGLAS POTTS. JUST WANTS TO HANG WITH HIS VEGETABLES. GRUMPY OLD MAN. 10/10 SOUP ME UP DADDY.

VICTORIA SUGDEN. JUST WANTS THE PEOPLE SHE LOVES TO BE HAPPY. CERTIFIED ANGEL. DESERVES 150 MORE STORYLINES. 10/10 PUT ME IN YOUR CHEF HAT AND HIT ME WITH YOUR SPATULA BABY.

MARLON DINGLE. WONDERFUL MAN. DESERVES HAPPINESS. HEART AS BIG AS THE MOON BUT WILL STEP THE FUCK UP AND CRUSH A BITCH IF HE NEEDS TO. 15/10 THE EXTRA FIVE POINTS ARE ALL HEIGHT.

BELLE DINGLE. DESERVES BETTER. SHOULD MURDER ALL MEN. NO JURY WOULD CONVICT HER. I SUPPORT HER EVERY TERRIBLE DECISION. CHRISTMAS DAY BIRTHDAY ICON. 10/10 WOULD BUY A BAZUKA AND GIFT IT TO HER ALONE.

MATTY BARTON. CLAWED HIS WAY BACK UP AFTER I SPENT YEARS CALLING HIM THE WORST CHILD ALIVE. KING OF REDEMPTIONS AND ALSO FASHION. TERRIBLE AT FIGHTING BUT PERFECT AT MAKING PEOPLE LOVE HIM. 12/10 MAKE OUT WITH ELLIS.

JESSIE GRANT. TRIES HER BEST. PROTECTOR OF CHILDREN. HOT AF. QUEEN OF PUBLIC EDUCATION AND SMILING. PERFECT SENSE OF HUMOUR. JUST WANTS HER KIDS TO BE HAPPY EVEN IN THE WORST OF SITUATIONS. 10/10 TEACHER-KINK-TUMBLR IS SHAKING.

SPECIAL MENTIONS GO TO CAIN, TRACY, FAITH AND MOIRA “I GAVE BIRTH IN A BARN AND THEN PICKED MY GUN BACK UP” BARTON

TYFYT

[kellykadesperate]

I’m probably a glutton for punishment but number 28 please 😘

((“Did it take you long to move on from me?”))

Aaron’s getting pissed for a number of reasons and they all circle back to Robert Sugden. It’s why he’s in this state, it’s why he’s hurt and numb against the fact that he genuinely thought he could come back and everything would be normal again. 

He’d left. He’d left Robert for the fucking army, to follow his dreams or whatever he thought, but they weren’t meant to end up like this?

He’s got a bottle of beer hanging loose out in front of him and he’s watching the world move by as he swings his legs against the bench. He can see the pub from where he’s sitting which is also means he can see him.

And what exactly he’s doing.

Robert’s standing there, older, taller but clearly not any wiser considering he’s with someone else. He’s still skipping to the next person who catches his eye and Aaron clearly meant nothing to him at all. Robert dips down, kisses this girl’s mouth and rises up again, squeezing her shoulder and promising to call her and Aaron shouldn’t but he does.

He shouldn’t charge over, he should wait like he was planning on doing. He was surprising everyone tomorrow by coming home finally, by answering the questions he couldn’t in the letters. 

But now, now his heart is heavy and it burns and - 

“You fucking arsehole.” 

He hasn’t seen Robert for three whole years and it’s the very first thing he says to him. 

Robert doesn’t seem to register it. He staggers back, slips on the wet ground and he’s on the floor before he can say anything else to him. Aaron fights the urge to help him, just scowls at the way Robert is shuffling away from him like he’s petrified. 

“You - what? Aaron?” He says it like he doesn’t remember him, likes he’s surprised to see him.

He says it like he didn’t hold Aaron’s hand until he was flying out with his force to a place Robert couldn’t know. 

“You remember me then?” Aaron’s chest rises up and down, and he can’t help himself. He looks at Robert, like really looks at him and he soaks in the changes to the man. He’s cut his hair. He’s got more freckles than Aaron remembers. 

Aaron hates him.

“Aaron Dingle. We sort of went out for a bit. And when I say a bit I mean -“

“I don’t understand.” Robert gathers himself up, holds onto the bench next to him and shakes his head a few times. “I don’t understand how -“

Before he can say anything else, Chas is coming out to inspect the noise and she’s making all these fucking sounds as she wraps her arms around Aaron. 

She’s hysterical with it. 

And Aaron doesn’t understand either now, until he does. 

And Robert’s ran before he can chase him down.

••

The thing is, apparently everyone thought Aaron had died because he had changed forces without alerting his senior. In reality he was just following danger and risking his life that little bit more. 

He was AWOL according to his old force. So that meant his family were informed. It meant Robert was informed.

It’s ridiculous, really fucking ridiculous and he consoles his mum for hours before he heads out and finds Robert near the bus stop. He’s out in the cold. He’s not even moving and Aaron doesn’t know what to say as he approaches him.

“Hi. Again.” Aaron wants to kiss him now because yeah, he doesn’t hate him. He could never hate him. 

Robert still looks at him like he’s looking at a ghost.

“This is probably weird for you.”

“They said you were -“ Robert pales a little and Aaron explains until he’s exhausted with it. “And you stopped replying.” 

The letters stacked up, kept piling higher and higher and it was so clear that Robert wanted him to come home. So Aaron buried them metaphorically and tried to focus on what he loved, a career he had worked for before Robert.

Before he had accidentally spilled his pint over him at some party. Before they were snogging on the stairs all night and Robert was leaving his number for Aaron to call when he came back from all the ‘hard man fighting.’

“I ran out of things to say.” It’s the wrong thing to say now and three years hasn’t changed how much of a closeted dick Aaron can be when he’s backed into a corner. 

It’s why Robert goes to leave. “No Robert wait.” He says, hooks an arm and feels the older man pull away sharply anyway because he can. 

“You left me. Again. And again. And again. Then I find out you’re most likely dead.” Robert says all these things that make Aaron want to throw up, he says the truth. Aaron doesn’t like thinking about that. “And you have the nerve to come back here and -“

“Cut the theatrics.” Aaron says, “I mean you were so cut up about me that I saw you snogging a new girl of yours just a few hours ago.” He says it like he means it. He says it like he has the fucking right to.

Robert stares at him, stunned. “I -“

“Don’t need to lie to me.” Aaron shrugs his shoulders and there’s still this heat inside. “I saw it with my own eyes.”

“What? Me trying to put my life back together?” 

Aaron wants the violins to come out next, a proper band to start playing for Robert. 

And it’s horrible and mean but he has no idea what it was like.

He has no idea how much Aaron loves him does he?

“Spare me the sob story.”

Robert laughs, but he doesn’t mean it, it’s dry and sad and Aaron hates it. “Oh yeah, only big strong Aaron gets one. He’s the one fighting for queen and country and the rest of us have to get on with it.” 

It stings. Aaron suddenly gulps hard and watches the anger on Robert’s face grow as he becomes red and blotchy. He looks like he could cry and Aaron’s never seen that before.

Not even when he had to leave. 

“Don’t try and spin this around on me.” Aaron flaps a hand about. “Or play the victim here like - like you haven’t already got someone else lined up.”

That thought plagued Aaron’s mind for months on end. Someone new coming along, Aaron not being enough.

“You said you’d wait for me?” Aaron whispers, and tears form in his eyes without his permission. He hates how emotional he’s getting considering how fucking angry he was a few hours ago.

Robert shakes his head. “You were dead.” He whispers. “And I -“

“*Had to have someone else in your bed.” It’s why it comes down to for Robert, or at least it’s easier for that to be the case. It’s also easier to make out that Robert is an emotionless dick. It’s always been better that way. 

“That’s not -“

“Did it take you long to move on from me?” Aaron deadpans. Waits. Watches Robert’s mind work over time. “Of course it didn’t.” He says, bites his lip, tries to breathe. “Nah. ‘Cause I always loved you more.”

Robert has tears welling in his eyes. “Two weeks.”

Aaron laughs, but it also hits his gut so it comes out strange and sad. “About the average time then. I don’t even know why I -“

“- for me to get out of my room, I mean ask Vic.” Robert backs towards the bus shelter again and Aaron holds back tears. “I hated everything and everyone and I wanted to hate you too ‘cause you fucked off to follow your dreams and you got yourself killed and I didn’t get to say goodbye.”

Robert’s not like this. Robert’s not an emotional wreck. 

“Robert -“

“You asked like it was possible for me to move on. But it wasn’t.” Robert says, hands in his leather pockets now. “How could it be when I was still in love with a dead man?”

Aaron moves towards him, a hand covering his mouth because he doesn’t understand how to control what he feels. 

“Rob -“

“And that’s who you are Aaron. A dead man. I’m sorry.” 

••

The next time he sees Robert, he’s putting things in the boot of his car.

“Please don’t tell me you’re -“

“I need to clear my head.” Robert doesn’t even look up to see him. It’s because of Aaron. Everyone knows it’s because of Aaron.

“Can’t we just talk?” Aaron’s saying, a hand out in front of him and eyes pleading now. “Like properly. You tell me things and I tell you things.” He’s trying to be a grown up for once and Robert should be proud.

He nods his head instead and they settle things over a coffee at Robert’s. Theirs. It was *meant to be theirs when Aaron came back.

There’s a pile of things in the corner of the room next to a cardboard box with Aaron’s name on it.

“Aaron, everything has changed.” Robert says, draws Aaron away from the box and towards the man he’s supposed to love and be with like normal adults. 

“Not really.” Aaron says. “I’m still a stupid hot head who doesn’t deserve you waiting around.” He half smiles and Robert looks down. “Robert -“

“Did you think you’d come back and everything would be okay?” Robert asks like he genuinely wants to know. 

Aaron goes to open his mouth and then he closes it. “I hoped. I was - I was scared that you’d hate me but I didn’t think you’d be with someone else.” He frowns, eyes flickering as he hugs his mug of coffee. “I thought we could work it out.”

“What was I supposed to think when you didn’t reply to my letters?” 

And he’s got all these points. He’s making so much sense and Aaron’s head wants to explode.

“You don’t have the answers because you’ve treated me like shit Aaron and all I’ve ever done is love the bones of ya.”

“I know!” Aaron shouts now, bursts open. “Don’t you think I know that? I’m to blame. Me. So I blamed you ‘cause it was easier but it isn’t is it? Seeing you hurt, it’s the fucking worst feeling in the world and I hate myself for putting you through all of this.”

Robert’s chin wobbles and suddenly he’s crying, he’s crying. He’s got his head in his hands and his shoulders won’t stop shaking. 

“One letter. Just one and -“

“I’m so sorry.” Somehow Aaron’s on his knees, petting Robert’s and trying to stop him from crying. “I’m so sorry. I was - I just loved you too much and I couldn’t deal with it.” 

It’s not an excuse. It’s just a fact and Robert seems to get it as he raises his head. 

“But if you give me the chance, I’ll prove it to you.” 

Robert raises his head and frowns. “Nothing’s changed. You’re still in the army and I’m still -“

“I’ll leave.” 

Robert rolls his eyes. “Like I’d let you.” Because that’s always been the other problem, Robert’s not selfish enough to make him choose. 

“I choose you.” Aaron says, because he knows that silently it’s always been this hasn’t it? It’s always been a choice. And Aaron’s always always going to want *this. “I choose your gorgeous freckly stupid face over the army any day. I choose us.” 

Robert heaves his chest up and down. “You -“

“I know.” Aaron knows he’s overwhelmed, he understands, has a hand across Robert’s cheek and it startles the older man. “Yeah. I’m soft now too.” He explains, makes Robert smile a little. 

“I’ve just wanted this for three whole years Aaron.”

Aaron nods slowly. “Same here idiot.” He says. “But I was scared, because the army was my safety blanket and then you replaced it didn’t you? I wasn’t ready to accept that but I am now.”

Robert looks away for a second and Aaron lets go of his hold on him.

“But if you’re happy with that girl. I’ll let you be. I won’t stand in the way. I promise.”

Robert frowns at him. “She’s not you.” He says, like that’s all he has to say and he’s nodding his head. “I want you. I want you, I want you so much Aaron I -“

It’s enough.

It makes Aaron crash into him, mouth hands teeth flying around the place and they end up getting hot and heavy at the bottom of Robert’s stairs. 

It’s been too fucking long.

“Promise me, we’ll get to be old and boring together, that you won’t go?” Robert whispers into his ear, slow, steady, soft. 

Aaron thinks of that ring in his pocket. He promises.