#riz has got a lot of scars

[20dimensionsoftangerine]

The Bad Kids in my... Good Parents are Bad and Bad Parents are Good au

(I should really think of a shorter title)

Adaine "Addy" Abernant - Sweet child whose parents love her a whole lot. Being both rich and loved has made her a little naive about the world and she's very self conscious about being seen as dumb or a drag on her friends. Worse problem in her life is she's being stalked by this werewolf guy but she hasn't really told anyone about that because she wants to prove she can take care of herself.

Gorgug Thistlesprings - Was adopted by the Thistlesprings family but was seen as a pet project by all the gnomes who try to shape him into what they want and do not take kindly when he steps out of line and acts more orcish. Has been taught his rage is evil and monsterous and to always suppress it because of he doesn't no one will ever want to be around him. When he got arrested his parents took that as a sign he was a lost cause and moved back to Arborly without telling him. Currently lives with the Abernants.

Kristen Applebees - Rescued Tracker from a werewolf cult and brought her home. Parents were a little skeeved out about it and when Kristen moved on from the Helioic church to be in lesbians but of course werent going to kick out a child in need! After time getting to know Tracker and doing some reading and soul searching they have grown to accept Kristen for who she is and encourages her on her faith journey.

Fig (just Fig) - When her horns grew in Gilear instantly disowned her, packed his bags, and moved to Fallinel. Sandra Lynn insisted that everything would be fine and things could go back to normal if Fig would just do her little disguise trick and pretend to be a wood elf all the time. Disgusted, Fig ran away from home and started couch surfing with her friends until the Abernants offered her a semi permanent place to stay. Learned that her birth dad low-key wants to kill her so she can join him permanently in hell and is... Dealing with that news.

Fabian Aramais Seacaster - When Bill Seacaster said he was going to retire pirating to raise Fabian in Solace his entire crew said "yeah same". Seacaster Manor is chalk full of pirates from all walks of life dedicated to giving this boy the best childhood possible. This taught Fabian to always be a team player and think of how to best work and direct a group. He knows that friends are family. (A few of them are there undercover to try and sabotage Bill's legacy).

Riz Gukgak - Has been trained to be a spy since he was a boy. Pok wants his son to follow just in his footsteps and that means always on the hunt for the next mystery, never getting close to anyone, finding and keeping secrets. Sklonda also teaches him how to be a cop, shoot first ask questions later, be tough and never take disrespect from anyone. Very guarded and independent but his godmother tries to interject now and again with some actual good parenting advice.

[rrat-king]

weird bad kid’s headcannons that are cannon To Me with little to no explanation:

fabian gets stress related stomach ulcers/has a very sensitive stomach in general

adaine is tall. in my head as tall as fabian and def way taller than aelwyn(which aelwyn hates cuz like. she’s a baby why is she so tall)

gorgug is just. covered in stretch marks. dude probs grew like a foot in a year his back is like. all stretch marks

this is part of my anti-medicine applebees campaign but kristen has this corn paste she makes as like a healing ointment thing(one of the only things she still holds onto from her mom) and everyone fucking fiends for it cuz it does wonders for soothing scar tissue

riz has v sensitive eyes especially to light (goblins were originally nocturnal, which also could explain his odd hours) so he steals fabian’s snazzy uv protection sunglasses

adaine steals the stolen glasses from riz sometimes cuz she’s sensitive to light after she has visions (they really hardly count as fabian’s glasses anymore)

fig got really into doing her nails in middle school but now that she plays the bass it is a constant battle between wanting to do cool designs and knowing that they’ll get destroyed when she plays (one of the nice things about being a teifling tho is that her nails are way stronger now and grow a lot faster)

to compromise she just does gorgug’s nails instead

riz and kristen will have little competitions of who can pop the most joints and everyone else. hates it it’s terrible to listen to (especially fabian, he will leave the room if they start)

yeah just. my guys

[green-nerd-showdown]

GREEN NERD SHOWDOWN ROUND 2 BATTLE 1

Riz Gugak (fantasy high) vs Jonathan Sims (the magnus archive)

PROPAGANDA

RIZ

Riz "The Ball" Gukgak, is green cuz he's a goblin, and a nerd. He starts out as a "Teen Detective" kid, investigating the disappearance of the missing girls in Elmville, cuz one of the missing girls is his old babysitter, aka his only friend before the show starts. He later graduates in the "James Bond Wannabe" Kid. He starts accessorizing and experimenting with his outfit, but because he's a nerd and self conscious he's constantly trying to justify it by making everything some kind of gadget and saying that it's all for the sake of utility in order to deflect any judgement. Also, before you think the nickname "The Ball" is cool, he got it because when he tried to join the sport team, the school jock said that the only position he could play was the ball, and proceeded to throw him like a ball. Dimension 20 is a D&D actual play show, Riz Gukgak is one of the player character, his player being Brian Murphy, who is a nerd himself. He's also the rogue, starting with the Inquisitive subclass, aka the nerd subclass, and later changes to the Arcane Trickster subclass, aka the slightly cooler nerd subclass. He's a nerd being played by a nerd as the nerd class with the nerd subclass, formerly the other nerd subclass, in the nerd game.

He's a green goblin who is obsessed with solving mysteries and making clue boards

Goblin (green). Middle school nickname was Briefcase Kid. Still carries that briefcase. Is a licensed PI. Definitely the (non-magic) brains of his adventuring party.

he made business cards to give to potential friends on his first day of school. he is a self proclaimed private investigator. he carries around a fucking briefcase to HIGH SCHOOL. what hasn’t this guy done. Sure he does a lot of cool stuff but this is what matters.

I love him, he is such a nerd, straight A student with an impeccable knowledge of the world he lives in, he is also literally a goblin, and thus the colour green. He’s also aro so green in the flag

Feral detective/angel spy

JONATHAN

He’s just a nerd generally. He also started off the series as really posh and “doesn’t believe in the supernatural” (it’s a coping mechanism). Then as the series goes on, becomes a know-it-all. Supernaturally. He gets the powers to know (almost) everything. He doesn’t really have a canon appearance, (podcast) but TMA as a whole is associated with green because of the pictures used for it.

The Magnus Archives cover is green, and per the unofficial rules of eye-themed podcasts, the fanart tends to lean towards a green color pallette. Jon Sims art frequently has him wearing green. And he's so nerdy. He researches and archives supernatural encounters. His preferred ice cream flavor is rum raisin. He went to Oxford and faked his accent. His social skills are abysmal. When someone asked if he'd seen a dog he responded with "…In general?"

Green eye powers plus he works at an archiving job not only that but the head archivist and has a degree in library science+not many friends and a loner

That man saw someone being kind to him and decided they were going to murder him

HE SEES ALL (also he needs a break. That man has so many scars and so much trauma get a that guy a fuckin nap and a raise)

[specialagentlokitty]

Master chief x reader - the fear of loosing you

Laying on your side, you stared at the wall in front of you, looking at the photo you had stuck on there.

Only one photo, but that was all you needed, the only thing that you needed while you were laid here like you had been doing for the past few days.

There was a knock on your door, and you rolled over to see who it was coming into your room.

“Hey Riz.” You smiled.

“Hey.”

She walked over, and sat down in front of your bed.

“You weren’t at the landing zone when we returned. Chief has to go debrief but he asked me to quickly come see if you were alright.”

You smiled at her, nodding your head.

“Yeah, yeah I’m good. Just resting.”

She nodded her head, studying your face for a moment.

“How did it go?” You asked.

“It went well.”

Riz sat there explaining their most recent mission to you, what they went through, what they did, the flight there and back.

You happily laid there and listened to her as she told you about the mission from her perspective.

She didn’t have long to talk, so eventually she got back up, saying bye as she left the room, and you rolled back over to look at the photo.

You had spent a few hours asleep while you waited for John, and you were woken up by the sound of somebody entering your room.

“Hey, it’s only me.”

“John…”

You shuffled over, and he came over a minute later, sitting down on the edge of the bed, and you rolled over to look up at him.

He was laid on his side looking down at you, and you smiled up at him.

“I’m glad you’re back.”

“What have you been doing?”

You yawned a little as you sat up, wrapping half your blanket around you and you tossed the other half around him.

“Well, I had some paper work to do, so I finally finished that which absolutely sucks. Honestly paperwork is going to be the death of me.”

“Why aren’t you allowed back into active duty? Is something wrong with your leg?” He asked.

You looked at your leg, lifting your trouser leg a little to show him your calf, the pinkish scar healing.

“No, it’s alright. A little sore to move sometimes though.”

He nodded his head, carefully examining your leg, running his thumb along your new scar.

He had picked it up from you, because it’s what you did with his, you would trail your fingers along them.

“I think it’ll still be a while before I can go into active duty, for now it’s riding the desk for me.”

John nodded his head.

“Have you been doing your physio therapy exercises you were given?”

“I haven’t done them yet. I was feeling tired all day so I spent a lot of it asleep.”

John stood up, and he walked over to your desk, flicking through a few things on your console before pulling them up on your wall.

“It’s important to your recovery that you do them, it may impact your future mobility if you don’t.”

“I know, I know.”

You shuffled over to the edge of the bed, and John helped you stand.

He always helped you with your physio, making sure you were actually doing it and making sure that you were taking frequent breaks while doing it.

When you were finished, he sat you down in the chair, and sat in front of you, rolling your trouser leg and grabbed the cream you were given.

“Miranda said this will help with the scarring, it won’t get rid of it but it’ll help with the appearance. It also acts as a numbing agent which will allow you to move around a little longer.”

You nodded your head, placing your hands on his face while he put the cream on your injured leg.

You ran your thumbs along his cheeks, and leant down to kiss the top of his head, giving him a little smile when he looked up at you.

He put the lid on the cream, and sat there looking up at you with gentle but curious eyes.

“What was that for?” He asked.

“I just felt like it.”

He nodded, pushing himself up, on the way up he let you stop him and gently kiss him, which he returned.

“Have you eaten yet?” He asked.

You shook your head.

“Wait here, I’ll bring you something.”

“Thank you.”

He gave you a little smile, and he left your room.

You sat there for a minutes before moving over to your bed to sit back down.

You weren’t even hungry, but you didn’t want to worry John, so you would eat some of whatever it was he brought for you.

But your decline in health had been noticed by all of the Spartans, though they didn’t know the reasoning behind it.

They tried to look, they asked Miranda but she claimed she didn’t know.

John came back with a tray of food for you, and he pulled over your chair, setting it down on the chair so you could eat while he went for a shower.

You ate a little bit, hiding the rest in the bin, and you laid on your bed with a book in hand as he came back through.

“Will you read to me?” John asked.

You smiled, setting that book on the floor and you picked up another one, holding your arm out.

John came padding over, and he laid alongside of you, resting his head on your stomach as you messaged his scalp with one hand, holding the book with the other as you read.

He spent most of the next day with you until he had to go do some work, and you were sitting at your desk doing some paperwork.

“Hey, I’ve managed to get a record of procedures we could do here.”

You looked to your door, finding Miranda standing there with a smile as she held some papers.

“As request all paper trail, so nothing will link back to you.”

You nodded, taking them from her so you could look through them.

“You don’t have to decide now, but we’ll need a decision soon so we can get you prepped for surgery.”

You set the papers into your draw and locked it, turning back around to look at her.

“How bad is it?”

Miranda sighed, coming over to your console and she pulled up a couple of her files that she had shared with you so you could see them as well.

She gestured to a few spots on one of the scans.

“These anomalies are where it’s metastasised, but they’re easy enough for surgeons to remove.”

You followed the small white specks along the scans.

“It’s spreading.”

“Yeah… but if we remove it all now and get you into treatment right after, once you’re given a clean bill we can then go about medication to prevent it coming back.”

“I mean come on Miranda we both know that there’s a chance that may not even work.”

“Right now yeah there is that chance, but if we can remove the masses while they’re still small then the treatment will work, we can prevent this coming back.”

You flicked through some of the other scans, blood results and whatever other labs they had taken on you.

“I’ll have to think about it, lock the file again.”

She nodded, locking it up for you again and you swapped back over to your file.

She left you, and you went back to doing paper work.

You didn’t want to think about your problem so you didn’t, you focused on your friends, you focused on John and spending time with him.

But soon it began to take its toll on you, and this is what alerted the Spartans, so they all came to your room, letting themselves in.

“What do you want? I said I don’t want company.”

“What’s wrong with you?” Vennick asked.

You opened your eyes, looking at the three of them.

“The chief is worrying about you, he’s trying to find out what’s going on.” Riz said.

“I’m fine…”

“You’re more tired than usual, you look sick, you’re getting weaker, and you’ve been visiting the doctors a lot more as well.” Kai said.

You stayed quiet.

“Just go away…”

“Are you sick?” Kai asked.

They all stayed quiet as they waited for your response.

You rolled over, turning your back to them, staring at the photo on your wall of you and John.

“Don’t tell John…” you whispered.

“He has to know.” Riz said.

“I’m not getting the treatment, so there’s no point him knowing.”

“Why? The treatment will help.” Vennick said.

“Because I don’t want it and it’s my choice… go away…”

You heard your door open and close, and you went back to trying to get to sleep, but everything felt uncomfortable.

You kept shuffling around, your bones ached, you felt a little sick, but overall you were just tired.

You just wanted to sleep.

And finally you managed to fall into a restless sleep, and that’s when John came in as a man on a mission, but when he saw you he stopped.

He didn’t want to wake you up, so he quietly made his was over, laying down in front of you, just looking at you.

He had noticed how you seemed to be always tired, you didn’t want to go on walks with him anymore, and he knew that at least half of your meals you were throwing in the bin.

He had been looking in every single file, ever lab results, every test that he could get his hands on that had your name but he couldn’t find it.

So when his team came to find him he knew his suspicions about something being wrong was true.

John laid there waiting for you to wake up, your back against his chest, his arm over your waist, your hand holding his tightly.

When you woke up he woke up as well, and you stretched a little bit.

“Hey…” you whispered.

John tapped your shoulder, letting you know that he wanted you to turn around so you did.

“You’re sick.”

“They told you…”

“Why didn’t you tell me? Why aren’t you getting treatment?”

You sighed heavily.

“Because I didn’t want you to worry and I.. I just… I don’t want to go through all that pain…”

Johns eyes searched yours.

“You’ll die without it…” he said quietly.

You slowly nodded your head.

John reached up his hand, placing it on the side of your face, brushing some hair out of your eyes.

“You need to take the treatment. It will hurt, but you’ll be alive.”

“John…”

“I don’t want you to die.”

You went quiet, and you placed your hand on his chest.

“Oh sweetheart…” you whispered.

“Please don’t die…” he whispered back.

You gave John a soft smile, leaning forward to give him a short kiss before you pulled away.

“I’ve seen a lot of people die, but I don’t want to see you die. You need to get the treatment, whatever it is, you need to get it. Don’t let this illness win…”

“I’ll be bedbound for months.”

“I’ll look after you.”

You took a small breath, your eyes searching his.

He looked so sad, so lost and a little confused.

He leant forward, putting his forehead against yours.

“I’ll do whatever it is I have to do, whatever it is you need, for however long you need me to do it.”

“I couldn’t ask you to do that…”

“I want to do it. I’ll do it for you.”

You laughed softly.

“You’re too good for me you know…”

“That’s not true.”

“It is.”

You laid there with him quietly for a few minutes before you finally nodded your head.

“Will you come with me to talk to Miranda about treatment options with the surgeon?”

“Of course. When would you like to go?”

“Can we this afternoon? I just want to lay here with you for a while.”

John nodded his head, laying on his back, letting you lay yourself across his chest, eventually falling back to sleep.

He looked at you, running his fingers through your hair, running his knuckles along your cheek, tracing small patterns into the small of your back.

He just laid there watching you, admiring you in all your beauty right now at this moment, how the sun hit your face, the small smile on your lips.

You were beautiful to him, and no matter what happened throughout your treatment you were always going to be beautiful to him.

He just wanted you to live.

He just wanted you to be with him, but his side no matter what.

You had always been there for him, even when he tried to push you away, even when he was at his lowest you were there and now it was his turn to be there for you, to help you get better, to make sure you weren’t sick anymore

[dullgecko]

Despite his terrible sleep schedule, unwillingness to eat a proper meal, and not having a single drop of water in him, Riz cares greatly about his appearance. According to the beauty standards Mountains of Chaos (big eyes, slender hands and long ears, bright skin and small, natural blemishes) he's extremely handsome.

He has a collection of earrings that he used to wear at home daily, but after a period of self-conciousness that lasted about 2-4 months his piercings closed up and he and Sklonda never got around to repeircing them/couldn't afford it. They now just sit in a shoebox on his nightstand.

He wore them a lot in middle school but the kids at his previous school were the worst. He was bullied daily and one of the hids actually ripped an earring out during a scuffle (they had picked him up without concent and in the struggle it got snagged on their clothes). He got healed fast enough that there's no scar but it caused the hole to close up on one side and he stopped wearing the other one.

He felt too self conscious about wearing them again until at LEAST junior year when he finally went from gangly teen to kindof hot. Fig re-pierced his ears with a safety pin during the night yorb quest.

[cybercookiepainteralmond]

CHAPTER 1 meet Harry O'shaughnessy

Harry O'shaughnessy was exhausted, he woke up on the couch of his family's apartment in a bit of a daze. The previous night was exhausting and he is a little out of sorts upon waking up. He smells good and sighs upon seeing his pajamas were destroyed in the night. Once he changes into a pair of jeans, a black metal band tee shirt and a leather jacket with a pan pride pin on the lapel, Harry is a skinny kid, not unhealthy so but still, he has a pair of round glasses on his face in front of his emerald green eyes and a lightning bolt scar on his head, his unruly mess of black hair is styled into a side shave with the tips dyed a golden yellow he heads over to the kitchen and sees his dad, Jawbone O'shaughnessy a werewolf in his hybrid form with lightish brown fur, wearing khakis and a metal tee, making oatmeal, his cousin Tracker, a lightish brown skinned girl with deep brown hair in an undercut, wearing a sleeveless wolf themed top and jean shorts sitting and giving him a smirk as she says

"Happy birthday little man!"

And giving him a hug, harry fakes embarrassment as he says

"Tracker, don't get hair on my jacket!"

All while Jawbone chuckles, handing out bowls.

"Now you don't get to complain about that Harry, you shed more than her" he says before saying "And for the birthday boy I've got this" and pulls a cake out of the fridge with the text TO THE COOLEST ROGUE THERE'LL EVER BE "You won't believe how far up the chain I had to suck off to get that done"

"DAD!"

"JAWBONE!"

the two teens blush with embarrassment as harry says "Can we please not have the stories this early in the morning?" As he clutches his head from the monthly migraine and Jawbone says "No problem kid, figured I should tell ya, you got into Augefort, that's part'a why I splurged on the cake" as he wipes a tear from his eye while Tracker smiles and says "That's right, my cousin is gonna be an adventurer!" While shaking Harry with a lot of enthusiasm and cheer, a feeling Harry can't help but share as he breaks out into a huge grin, eager to tell his friends as he quickly runs to his room to grab his crystal and text his friends, coming back and saying "Ragh is on his way over right now to celebrate!" While shaking with excitement and accidentally setting himself up for Tracker to say "You sound REALLY happy about that?" Causing Harry to blush and say "S-Shut up, at least I don't tie myself to a wall every month!" As a knock is heard at the door, Harry rushes over to answer and it's a huge half orc wearing a black shirt and jeans, carrying a present with him saying "Happy Birthday bro!" Harry smiles and says "RAGH!" and wraps him in a hug saying "When school starts, you and I are joining the blood rush team." And Ragh instantly nods saying "Hell yeah dude, I already ordered the jackets! Go Owlbears!" And he and Harry both in perfect sync shout "HOOT GROWL!". As the friends celebrate and party the hours away with the O'shaughnessy family, a brief moment of time passes that would make all the difference, a letter sent, a choice made. Who could have predicted this, if not for an Oracle not yet discovered.

In the minutes after the party harry is walking down the hall to talk to a Ms Sklonda Gukgak, when he arrives at the apartment the door is opened by a goblin woman who says "Harry, I'm sorry we couldn't make it by, Riz got himself hurt when spying on the neighbors and I had to get him to the hospital" Harry smiles and says "It's not a problem MS Gukgak, actually I was wanting to tell you something really quick, see I got into Augefort, so I'm probably gonna be breaking a lotta laws as part of class projects and homework" to which Sklonda gives an exasperated sigh before saying "At least it's school related, thanks for the heads up kid." Harry quickly calls to Riz through the apartment saying "Hey man, heard you got into some trouble without me?" And starts trading pointed but lighthearted barbs to keep up with his friend. Afterwards he puts on his headphones listens to the song "broken things" on his crystal while he walks down to the convenience store to pick up some milk that isn't expired, pickpocketing a guy's coin purse to get the gold to pay for it with barely a faint feeling from the person he just stole from.

At the convenience store he uses mage hand to successfully grab the milk from the back of the fridge without issues as he checks the time to see when his support group meets. After paying for the milk with his stolen gold he returns home, puts it up and listens to rock music at the bus stop to try and ignore the anxiousness building inside him, he meets with this group every week, he knows how things go and he understands why he needs it. He messes around with the bracelet his cousin had gotten him for his birthday the year she had found her faith with Galiciaea, the moon goddess, it was a deep blue braided material clasped with a silver crescent moon, Harry understands the sentiment but he can't truly appreciate it, not really.

Once the bus arrives Harry steps on and texts Tracker and his dad [Off to my support group, should be home by 6:00] to which he gets the expect response of [Good luck] from his dad and a smile emoji from Tracker, he absent mindedly watches the buildings pass by as he arrives at the future sight of his education, the Augefort adventuring academy. He steps through the familiar halls and enters the gym to find a group of people all together, he sits down and the organizer of the group, a kindly but haggard looking man in equally haggard looking clothes with claw marks on his face says "Alright, I'm sure there's some stories to tell about how we've been doing so we'll start with the sharing, Harry would you like to go first?" To which Harry sighs and says sadly"My name is Harry O'shaughnessy, and I have Lycanthropy "

Chapter 2 link

[creacherkeeper]

i just thought about adaine&aelwyn pacific rim au so take that as well (if not those two, i'll take any of the others fh babes for pacific rim too :D)

the thing is, they don't get along

they've never gotten along

and why would they? their parents pitted them against each other since childhood. it made aelwyn study harder, strive more, accomplish, overcome, win, and all it ever did for adaine was make her rebel. while aelwyn was getting her phd in engineering and applied sciences, adaine was training. sometimes she felt like she'd been born for war. as a small child, she couldn't have guessed what it would be war with. but she knew who she was. she knew why her parents hated her. why they always favored the science-minded and, in their eyes, delicate aelwyn. she wasn't the one staging battles with her stuffed animals

adaine was the youngest to ever be accepted as a pilot. she was sure her parents saw it on the news, but they didn't bother congratulating her. she hadn't heard from her family since emancipating herself at 16, and that was fine. she had a new family now. and she had a jaeger

she gets sent to hong kong, because they all get sent to hong kong. everyone who's left. adaine wonders if she found her place right as the floor started collapsing beneath her. but it's fine. she'll fight until she's the last one standing

well, that is, if she can find a co-pilot

she's not as strong as a lot of the others. but they aren't as smart as her. they don't have her eye for strategy, for tactics, for precise strikes executed to perfection. they assign her the most light and nimble jaeger they have. and she waits. and she tests. and she spars.

no one seems to be a match

she has a good night of getting wasted with her friends, and then a good night of crying in her bunk, because she knows she's done. the whole program is falling apart anyway. it's not like they'll find anyone in time for her to ever see the inside of the machine

the next morning, hungover to hell and back, eyes puffy and exhausted, she makes eye contact with her sister over a tray of dry cereal and toast

it's awkward. it's not like they talked about being stationed together. adaine hadn't even heard from her sister in years. she wonders if this is aguefort's doing, bringing them both to base like this. she wouldn't put it past him. on the other hand, they needed new jaegers. and aelwyn knew how to build them

they avoid each other, at first. what else are they supposed to do? they did nothing but torment each other as children, and now here they are. all grown up. mostly. as much as they maybe ever will be, if the world is coming to an end

it lasts for a few weeks. things are tense. then aelwyn is assigned to make upgrades to adaine's jaeger, since, you know, she's being pulled from the project to be replaced with someone who's actually drift compatible. adaine won't leave the cockpit. they scream, a little. or a lot, to anyone else you asked. but it feels like it needed to happen. they've barely done more than nod in the hallways. it's a release of tension. they can be in the same room now, at least

adaine has one last chance to say goodbye to the machine she never got to pilot. aelwyn comes to offer some consolation, though it's with the utmost hesitation, something adaine doesn't remember her ever showing before. she snagged the last dessert from the cafeteria. they split it on the cockpit floor

"i spend all my time designing these machines. but i don't even know what they feel like"

"can i show you?"

so, adaine might be drift compatible, it turns out. with one person in particular. it's incredibly unfortunate that it's with a scientist, not a pilot. it's even more unfortunate that it's her sister

they fight about that, too, after they come out of the drift, while their minds are no longer melded and everything doesn't feel quite so achingly close. aelwyn was pulling away from her the second they linked. hiding something. adaine wanted to know what. so, they fight. they yell. they storm away

aguefort calls them to his office the next morning saying they have to drift again. just as a test. he reminds them about security cameras and computers and all the other shit that they had forgotten about over a split tiramisu

aelwyn refuses. she's not a pilot. she never wanted to be. and what would their parents say? like, okay, yes, of course she knows how they work. she knows everything about jaegers. she could pilot it, theoretically. but she won't. and especially not with her sister

two kaiju come through the breach

riz and fabian nearly go down. their jaeger literally crawls home. electrical scars run over the skin and muscles of their arms.

fig nearly destroys the base in frustration when their medic, kristen, says they can't pilot again. not so soon. maybe not ever. jawbone is getting older, no matter how much tracker would deny it in front of him. and gorgug and zelda can't handle multiple kaiju by themselves. no one could

ayda goes to aelwyn the next morning, scientist to scientist, pilot to ... something. and says she has to try. she has to drift again. she has to fight. there may not be a world left to save if she doesn't

they stand across from each other in the cockpit. they know there's no holding back, this time. no secrets. nothing left unsaid. and they drift

adaine sees shame, she sees self-hatred, she sees fear - such absolute, overwhelming fear. aelwyn sees anger, and in the face of it, resolve. she feels, then pulls away from, then lets herself feel, again, just for a moment, love in spite of that. it's hard to hide from, the enormity of adaine's love

they drift. and they know they can do it, if they need to. they can fight. they can win

the next day, the storm oracle is released into the ocean. they have a kaiju to fight, and even more to prove. and they do

[undercoverangell]

thinking about pok lives and goes on spring break au heres everything in my brain atm

Pok gets enough money working for the government to get a new house so they no longer live in an apartment and instead are in like a nice lil 2 bedroom 2 bathroom house and the bad kids come over freshman year bc riz is like "oh my dad should know something about these palimpsets i feel like he'd know about them" and he's not of much use but like. to give yall some perspective on how i imagine pok in this au he's like this goblin w huge scars covering him who is like?? kinda athletic?? and he is also still a spy and still goes on missions so when they first meet him hes in this fairly nice house in like a button up and cardigan w plaid pants and has his hair like tied back (bc i think he would grow it out) in a low ponytail drinking coffee. and they've never met Riz's dad but suddenly just everything about Riz makes sense this guy is his fucking dad?? and he works for the government as an accountant?? dude this guy is cool as hell wtf.

He's just very eloquently spoken and seems to know a lot about things accountants shouldn't care about (why did riz send us to his accountant dad to look at a palimpsest why would his dad know anything about this?) and so thus begins the convincing riz who knows what his dad does that his dad is in the mafia.

also doesnt help that they do have a thing in the gukgak household about bringing new people directly to the house bc obviously pok does have a bunch of like secret rooms and drawers in the home and so the very first thing he says around them is "Kid you know how i feel about strangers in the home" and riz just goes "yeah yeah sorry i know we can meet at Basrar's or something next time-" "okay well im assuming its an emergency or something important if you brought 5 people over that i've never even met so what's up?" and its immediately weird bc... wtf.. hi ig??

"dude like why is he so like ..... that. like?? dude hes not an accountant i know that at least." "guys my dad is just some dude who works in accounting hes not a member of the mafia" "the ball im so sorry your dad has been lying to you he is a member of the mafia. does your mom know?" "i dont know?? probably??" "poor woman..." "oh my god"

theyre all so confused as to why he is so casual not knowing that like since he was 13 riz has known his dad is a spy and does missions and stuff and everytime they see pok literally just getting a coffee they confront him immediately even if riz is there

"so mr.ball....whats in that coffee???"

"vanilla. some cream and milk."

"theres no mafia secrets????"

"no. i got it with two shots of espresso."

"....weird....."

"if you want me to buy you a coffee you can just ask like a normal person."

"i dont need your MAFIA COFFEE....."

"okay, the coffee here is really good though."

".....maybe i would like just a small coffee with two shots of vanilla."

**hands them 10 bucks** "go ahead."

obv pok cant just tell his sons friends he barely knows that hes a spy so he just continually insists that he "works for the department of foreign affairs as an accountant. i work in accounting kids. thats it." and they all get it HORRIBLY WRONG and are like "oh yeah kalvaxis rlly wanted to eat an accountant JUST SAY UR A MEMBER OF THE MAFIA AND GO KINDA SUSPICIOUS THATS UR WIFES A COP ARE U TRYING TO MANAGE THE POWER SYSTEM SO U CAN GET AWAY W UR CRIMES???" and he just straight up "....YEAH IM A MEMBER OF THE MAFIA! YEAH U GOT IT RIGHT. IM A MEMBER OF THE MAFIA." and riz finds it fucking hilarious bc as hes busting out laughing his dad is going "riz the mafia is serious business u know this idk why ur laughing about it : (" and the bad kids think theyve cracked the case!! theyve done it!! (they have not!)

pok and garthy know eachother very well bc pok has been sent on numerous missions to Leviathan and so there's like little hints as to what pok does "oh you're still working for the department of foreign affairs! you been moved out of accounting yet?" and the bad kids are like "garthy he works for the mafia. sorry we had to break it to you...." and garthy who knows for a fact pok is not in the mafia just goes "....oh?? the mafia?? that's new! i cant imagine the wife likes that very much!"

Pok and Riz have a little moment in Leviathan where they just sit and talk and Pok assures Riz that he's cool and his friends like him and that he wouldve kill to be as cool as riz is when he was his age. Riz falls asleep on Pok and his dad is just glad hes getting some rest. he also sees the tattoos and goes "if your mom asks you got those when i was asleep and i didnt know."

He absolutely hates fallinel but hes been there on so many missions he is just used to high elves and their bs. "Ah.... Pook GikGuk..." "Mhmm. you got it right buddy." While there he just constantly looks so done with just about everything bc he has seen this place so many times there is like no "ooo new place!" value in it is literally just "yep. high elves and their high elven shit." he tells riz if he ever becomes a spy (which he definitely would btw i will die on the secret agent riz hill) to just. get used to this bc he is going to have to deal with this a lot.

In the nightmare forest he finally is like "guys im not apart of the mafia im a spy. i dont work in accounting lol u think my wife would marry some fucking accountant when shes as cool as she is??" and they're like "???? but... u admitted... u were in the mafia.. why would u lie..." "im a spy i literally lie for a living also i barely knew you guys except when you would come over to our house sometimes and stare at me suspiciously while I scrolled through twitter on my laptop" "MAYBE U WERE LOOKING AT UR MAFIA MEMBERS TWITTER" "WHY ON EARTH WOULD MAFIA MEMBERS HAVE TWITTER" "I DONT KNOW?? THEY WANNA LOOK AT MEMES!"

everything for this au is under the "pok lives au" tag bc i have. so many ideas. i am more than willing to take drawing ideas for this please ask me about this au (srs)

[pechebeche]

hello peach i'm sorry to bother you i just wanted to say that i loved st judas and am glad that you were able to post even part of it. it has a special place in my heart. it's okay if you don't want to answer, but i'm curious about two things:

1. who killed riz?

and more importantly

2. when they kissed for the first time... who kissed who 😳

anyway. again sorry to bother you and you don't have to respond. i hope you have a good day/evening 💞

you arent a bother at all!! much as i am just not physically capable of actually Writing Out the rest of st judas, i. still love it. and i will eagerly take any opportunity to share what my plans for it were, in hopes that it will at least provide some closure for people. <3

1. so, the big question, and bear with me here: zayne darkshadow killed riz. and also, he didn’t.

st judas, you gotta remember, was originally written to tie up s1′s loose ends. at the end of s1, the god sol was knocked out. the balance of the celestial plane was completely upset. shit kind of went off the wire for a lil bit.

for a couple of interested parties, that provided a pretty strong opportunity.

the core plot of the villains didn’t center around killing riz - it centered around fucking up the afterlife. the characters who had been canonically killed at some point - kristen and gorgug - both, you will notice, started having major issues with their abilities not long before the start of the story (kristen losing her clerical abilities, gorgug’s berserker exhaustion ability catching up to him long-term in the form of a chronic illness). one of the reveals of the next few chapters was going to be that vine, the tiefling who was at the nightclub fight, had, in fact, been dead for 10 years prior to the start of the story.

(side note - this was also why riz didn’t see anything after his death! when pok got revealed as a spy in hell in s2 you may remember me very loudly shouting abt how Now My Ideas Look Stolen Damn You. riz not seeing an afterlife was a protective measure from his dad, who was trying to figure out what was goin on from the afterlife side, and the only reason t hat riz wasnt affected by the Resurrection Curse TM. dammit brennan. it’s also why bill and hallariel were ‘alive’ and kicking.)

the major villain - the Man Behind The Man - had kind of wrestled their way into the afterlife in the brief period where sol was unconscious & aguefort wasnt doing his job for him, and had, over the next decade, slowly expanded control over the undead and recently-resurrected. the first thing they could control was ghosts.

so it was zayne’s hand that did it, but zayne wasn’t in control of his actions. in reality:

penelope everpetal killed riz.

2. riz kissed fabian!! i never wrote out the scene but i had a very strong concept for it in my head.

after fighting with aelwen and turning her to the side of good (because i was stanning aelwen redemption a year before fantasy high even announced s2 and i may not have proof of that anymore because rip my old blog but i still refuse to let it be taken from me), there was going to be a big blow-out where aelwen laid out for fabian why it’s fucked up that he made decision based on what he thought was best for her without asking her.

for aelwen, who was used as a pawn for her entire life, it was an especially sore subject. it was meant, dually, to be an expansion of aelwen’s character from the s1/critique of the heavy comphet themes that went into fabian/aelwen at the end of the season - the idea of aelwen as a Thing That Fabian Needs To Save instead of as a person capable of making her own choices - and as a parallel to the way that fabian had abandoned riz for what he thought was his own good and ended up essentially ruining his life for a good while there.

the idea was that riz would go to fabian to comfort him after he and aelwen had that argument. st judas was always a lot of a story abt fabian overcoming those toxic ideas (another thing s2 ended up taking care of), and i do think he would listen to aelwen - and make the connection to how he had treated riz. and the idea is that he would be fumbling through understanding himself, and learning, and trying to apologize

and by the end of the conversation, riz, who has been (rightfully!) angry for so long, and still distant even now, and has been hurt and scarred by fabian and for fabian and unrelated to fabian - i think, when he sees fabian trying, in earnest, to do better for riz, when fabian says, “i did what i thought you wanted, but i didn’t know. so what do you want?” and what do you want, riz gukgak?

“this,” riz says, and kisses fabian on the mouth.

[stanharu]

beastars episode 22 thoughts!

lots of exciting events in this week's ep!! i mention some spoilers for the finale so tread with caution.

overall, i really enjoyed this week's ep. it covered chapters 83, 84, 85, 87, 89, and a small part of 93. i feel like from that knowledge alone you can tell that the pace is really picking up near the end of this arc, which ppl have been kinda predicting since the beginning eps had a lotta new stuff added. there's 11 chapters left of this arc to be animated and only 2 episodes left to cover them, so like most everyone else im pretty worried about how the finale will be paced, but im still trying to be optimistic about it.

anyway, onto the episode itself. i like the way the anime is doing riz's scenes. being able to hear how he justifies devouring tem voiced really drives how fucked up his whole sitation is i think.

now, i feel like i cant really keep talking about my thoughts on this ep until i mention my biggest issue with it. similar to louis & legosi's meetup in the BAM, the moth scene, which is when legosi's fur grows back, was also pushed back much further in the anime than it happened in the manga. a lot of the scenes in this episode (legosi's talk with haru & his initial fight with riz) happen after the moth scene, and legosi is supposed to have his fur back in them, but since it was pushed back in the anime, he's still bald. im kinda disappointed by that. give legosi his wig back already!! lol

anyway, im always happy to see haru. so i really enjoyed legosi and her lil talk. (wish legosi wasnt still bald tho but i've already talked about this lol) they both care so much about louis it makes me 🥺 ot3 REAL!!!!

i really liked this part with their hands, and the way legosi dusted the stairs off with his tail for haru to sit was so cute 🥺

next... pina and riz!! i am a lil sad we the anime didn't give us this visual of riz sneaking up on pina but i also enjoyed the way the anime did it instead!!

"he's just standing there...menacingly." lol

also!!! pina finally delivers one of his most famous lines!!!

i really loved this part, and yuki kaji's performance was phenomenal. pina's expressions were also amazingg

i only wish that we got to linger a bit more on the shot of pina after he gave his big speech.

this next part makes me want to lose it if i think about it took long ajdflksjdlfjs.

idk why the anime decided to take this bit between free and ibuki out from the tunnel scene and put it before then. i feel like it's like telling the viewers upfront "Ibuki Is Going To Die" (tho maybe the ED already kinda implies that too sdjflskjdf). tho idk maybe since ive read the manga already my view is a bit skewed. but yeah, i dont really like this reveal got moved. i like that there arent many hints to the tunnel scene until after it happens and then it gets revealed that ibuki had known for a while that his death was imminent, i think it hits harder that way.

now for part 1 of legosi and riz's big fight. ive been so excited to see this animated and it did not disappoint. again, i wish legosi wasnt still bald lmao but otherwise i was hyped the whole time watching this. legosi has his face scars at last!!

tho i will say that this part being 2d animated while the series is generally 3d animated took me out of the moment for a bit sjdlksjdf

but having riz's silhouette appear through the blood was super cool

also riz looked so deranged during this whole fight i kinda loved it lol.

tiddy grab

lastly i wanna say im kind of obsessed with this shot. legosi covered on blood, riz being reflected in the mirror, legosis foot in his mouth lol.

based on the very end scene of this ep and the preview for next week's ep, it looks like it'll open with the moth scene, which im really excited to see. one thing i noticed tho is that it seems like in the anime it was gouhin's idea for legosi to eat live insects, while in the manga it seemed to be legosi's idea. idk how i feel about a change like that. it might not be a big deal or it might be significant but i can't find the right words as to why. im not really sure but its just a lil weird to me.

theres just 2 episodes left, im super excited!!!!!!

[infaethable]

so because of a one-off mention from a friend that riz has a notarized will, i got in in my head that like. riz writes letters to all the bad kids in the event of him dying. and then i made it fabriz because i have a one-track mind baby! here are some barely coherent discord messages that i cannot in good conscience call writing. trigger warning for PERCEIVED major character death ;)

sklonda leaves fabian's letter for last. the rest of the group is already opening theirs, and she hesitates on fabian's and says, "i'm a really good detective, and if what's in there, is what i think is in there... you might want to read that alone"

fabian is just stone cold and he hasn't shown a single expression on his face since the news really settled in, and he stalls for a second before running his thumb under the seam of the letter, gets a paper cut he can’t even really feel, and reads the last words riz will ever say to him.

and it takes all of a minute for it to break him. 

fabian doesn’t that know he's in love with riz until he sees the words "i think that telling you i'm in love with you after i'm gone would be the most cowardly and cruel thing i would ever do, and for that sake, i hope you never see this." written in riz's neat but blocky handwriting. 

and then it all comes crashing over him.

all the stolen glances, all the midnight calls that riz picked up on the first ring, the electric few inches between their hands at the lunch table, the necklace tucked under his tank top, he should have known.

fabian’s crying so hard that it’s hard to breathe, and then he actually stops being able to breathe. he feels his heart pounding in his chest and a phantom weight atop it, and adaine kneels in front of him, grabs his hands, says something but he can’t hear it over the beat of his own eardrums. 

fabian thinks he might be having a panic attack. 

adaine, who spent the last three days sobbing in bed till she thought she had no more tears left, has tears running down her face again now as she’s trying to guide fabian through it, in for four, hold, out for four, again-

and she’s looking at the look on fabian’s face, and she knows.

she's never been particularly good at reading people before. but she's seen what riz looks- looked. like when fabian did something that broke his heart just a little bit, and fabian is drowning in it.

adaine doesn't even know what riz wrote in the letter. but riz told her once that he'd rather die than tell fabian, and he was wrong. he is- was, fuck, her brother, in all but law and blood, but she's looking at fabian, fabian who's on his fucking knees in grief like she's never seen him before, even when he plunged his birthright sword through his father's chest, this is different, that was fabian grieving and this is fabian broken and her brother god rest his fucking soul was wrong.

adaine abernant knows a thousand things about riz gukgak. she knows he secretly hates unsweetened coffee, she knows his favorite record, she knows his tells when he's trying to cheat at blackjack, she knows he loves his friends like a holy vow, like a vengeance left of violent, she knows the password to his phone and his blood type and what he looks like when he's mad, and if she knows anything she knows that he loved fabian with every drop of blood he's ever spilled and every corner of his heart and whatever soul left after his body's gone cold, and if he won't tell him, then she will.

and so when fabian's heart rate is on the right side of resting, and he's crying into her shoulder she says, quiet, near his ear, so that he’s the only one who hears,

"he loved you back, i should have told him to tell you, i should have pushed harder-" and fabian burrows more into her shoulder and cries like she’s never seen him cry before. 

gorgug and fig and kristen are all watching, and fabian wants to break things, he wants to scream till his voice blows out, he wants to burn the world to the fucking ground, and most of all he wants to see riz one last time. he wants to put his hands on riz's waist and tell him he loves him till he believes it. 

and fabian balls his fists on adaine's back and says, "i should have known, i should've fucking known-" and gorgug falls to his knees beside fabian and wraps him in a hug, and fig and kristen do the same, and the fact that fabian aramais seacaster is in love with riz gukgak went from a secret no one, not even fabian himself, knew, to an open fact in under five minutes.

and fabian, for all his bravado, has never been a man with a large amount of rage. this isn’t to say he’s never been angry, but there's a special kind of rage, one tracker whispers in the dark at sleepovers about like a ghost story, one that's laced into his father's conquests. the kind of rage that makes you want to claw at anything you can get your dirty hands on and damn the consequences. one that curls in fabian's gut now, not at riz, never at riz, but at whatever god that allowed this to happen.

there are a lot of gods, he knows. gods of rage and bloodshed, gods of nature, and storms, and the sea. 

there are gods of love. he hates them most of all.

and his birthright sword, leaning on the wall behind him, starting from the golden basket hilt turning red hot, seems to burn to the beat of his heart.

and against all senses, he reaches, and the design of the hilt brands his palm with lines, crisscrossing across his palms. he barely feels it. 

(somewhere far away, he knows riz had scars like that. light green lines from his time in the palimpsest, where glass had shattered and imbedded itself. had stayed there too long without a magical heal to fade.)

and the brands fade from red hot and sizzling to oil black. it enters his bloodstream, spreads up his veins, and fabian can feel when it envelops his senses because he can smell fire and brimstone and salt and gunpowder-

and fig, in an instant, widens her eyes and tries to knock the sword out of his hands, but fabian holds tight, fabian’s vision unfocuses and refocuses on a liminal black void, looks up and sees fire rolling across the sky, hears a familiar voice in the back of his mind,

"darling boy, what could possibly have you so broken up that i felt your rage nine hells down?"

and fabian feels a connection in his mind just left of the hangman, and says, not out loud, 

"if you'll forgive me for the tone, only realizing you're in love with someone after they've died would perhaps have that effect papa."

distantly, adaine is trying to shake his shoulders out of whatever state he's in. distantly, fig is pleading with him not to do it, that if he really wants it she can work a deal out with her dad. distantly, kristen is gearing up to cast a dispel evil and good, and distantly, gorgug is asking adaine if he should hit fabian in the head with his ax, but right now his papa just takes a sharp intake of breath through the modified message and says, 

"oh my darling boy. i'm so sorry. would you like some powers about it?" 

and fabian's gut curls, that rage, they didn't even have a fucking body to bury-

riz's letter is still clutched in his hands as he says, "yes."

[dooptown]

chapper 179

alright so with every group he defeats, Legosi adds them to the fire? Or is this like a new thing only he is doing? Paving the way of interspecies relationships

Idk if i mentioned it before, but Legosi won the Dokugumi fight nonviolently. He also won against Riz (ultimately) nonviolently. I wonder if that’s gonna keep happening...

Melon is there thinking about how this is like high school for them? He’s like “everyone is having fun wow” fuckin poor guy never had a chance to just live normally. It’s now wonder he views shit so fucked up. Also he’s a twunk now instead of a twink, huh. 

Okay, so the whole “haha u a virgin girls make u doki doki haha” thing is so annoying and here it’s no exception. BUT it’s interesting because as Legosi has stated before, he’s not attracted to carnivores. He just drinks sooo much respect women juice that he OD’d. 

BUT!!!

Let me bring to the table this:

this? This right here is a result of trauma. Trauma from his mother cutting herself off from him and killing herself

take that how you will, but it’s a lot more engaging than “he is virgin he no have sex :) boy scared of girl boys and girls can’t communicate they are so different :))”

I think it has merit, though, considering both he and Melon have a very complicated relationship with their dead mothers. 

Anyway, yes, we get it Paru. You like to draw Legosi wearing a dress. Okay but where did he get it??????? We know where he got the shoes, but the dress and makeup???? do the inarigumi just have backups? well whatever

It’s a very Legosi idea to say “to fight women i have to level the playing field by dressing as them”

and uh, not showing their panties while fighting. Did Legosi put on panties???? are we going to see them

Anyway, when i read the rough translation of this chapter i was really annoyed at it but i like it more now on a second reading. Maybe it has to do with the translation being better

Also, still upset about Legosi turning into one big scar. Apparently he regenerated but half of his face is still burnt and he’s missing an ear! I really really hope he doesn’t come out of this falling apart. He regenerated before why can’t he again? :(

[shy-magpie]

RQG Roman Rogues Sidequest 2

these things get kinda long so liveblog under the cut

So glad they decided to put this on the main feed and not behind the paywall. Not sharing this with my fellow fans would have been hard. Plus if there was ever a time when we needed this its now.

Although between this and 4thought, I can't shake the image of Rusty Towers having a "break glass in case of emergency" vault of wholesome. Yes my mental image of Rusty Towers got more elaborate not less, since confirming they don't work out of their own radio station like a IRL Nightvale, what of it?

I wonder how differently Alex would play in a long campaign. Part of this seems to be having fun with the permission to be chaotic, that only having to live with the consequences another 2 episodes brings. Plus a tiny bit of revenge on his players or as I've said before "he plays like this because you played like that".

We know this Helen and we love you.

Bryn does seem to be assistant cat herder, which works for Riz. Kid is going to be such a good cleric. Also male cleric of fertility and flowers? A nice part of Bryn's spearheading RQ's campaign to say "fuck toxic masculinity".

I love that the first time they use the minis it's for this.

Lydia is right and should say it. Sasha has a better place here with her kids than she ever would watching for Barret's people over her shoulder the rest of her life in a world that let Other London happen. Seriously I've said it before: end the series with the party (taking as many of the NPCs as necessary for it not to be a crime) going into the past with them to work under Sasha (after she wrote the letter but in time to help resurrect Grizzop before the Meritocracy bans it).

Thank you for always introducing the characters.

Lydia just called them Sasha's old family and I'm all choked up.

Azus(Alex) is far more endearing than they should be. Still haven't managed to catch their pronouns, but IIRCdiscord asked & settled on he/they with a gender of "if a thorn in the side was a gender"; which is so valid. Not sure how he thought kid whose first big character trait is "steals to avenge petty grievances" was going to be cheery, but good on him for being adaptable.

Wilde(Helen) is the best and first to say so.

Amidus(James) is that guy from my econ 101 class who just discovered Marx.

Riz(Bryn) is older, awkward, and trying to look out for the others.

Lydia is so valid, how can you not have a soft spot for Riz.

Bryn shifting us back on topic. Either that or he can't take a compliment.

And on with the show:

Wilde is trying to give Sasha & me grey hair. Lydia may have a theme going with the traps. Grapple rules are legendary.

James BAP

Alex is good at coaching Lydia.

Burn from Alex, much more effective than a "bap".

Wilde!?! I am not rewinding for that number, I trust this table to tell me if she is dead or severely injured and refuse to follow fights well enough to stress blow by blow.

GM screen jokes lead to women's pocket jokes. Neither Lydia or I can tell if Alex is joking but either way it is kinda nice to have a guy sound personally offended by fake pockets.

Of course Sasha sent the kids in with a variety of weapons.

Oh Riz! Sasha taught them the importance of flanking and Riz is reminding his sibs to work together. Yes Alex but if he phrased it that way it wouldn't go right to the heart of all of us who remember how Sasha always wanted to flank.

James asks directly for advice, good for him. Then twists it from stabbing to pining its corners.

Oh mechanics with Alex *pulls up chair*

Bryn and Alex are good at being helpful while still making it clear they are defering to Lydia. It's nice not having my rank issues activated even when they get very hands on.

So did Lydia take that idea from when Zolf was engulfed or did Alex take it off Lydia or is this just a TTRPG thing? Because half of the damage going into the person you're trying to save isn't something I was warned about.

Oh good, Wilde is going to die in a fancy rug, maybe that is of some comfort/s

Priorities Lydia! Been hanging around Alex too long ISTG...

Where are you going with this Alex? Oh Alex you really do live to give the fans everything they want. First wanting to get around using historically accurate vents, then wanting to drop the chandelier on the baddie? Just aiming to indulge every movie cliche everyone secretly dreams of.

Valid Lydia, it is absolutely your right to rule that there is no difference.

Wilde has 6hp, that's like a whole Skraak right? Leave me my denial.

Alex sounds so happy.

Sasha is NOT a bad mother! Poor Lydia did not mean for this to be such a dangerous encounter. Things like this help me understand why Alex kept having encounters where they either wiped the floor with his beautiful monsters or he nearly killed them.

Smash cut, poor Lydia. Potions for each of them.

A 1? Helen you had one instruction/jk

Riz please save your sister

Lydia, is Wilde going to die cozy?

Ok Wilde is out! Thank you Bryn/Riz

Thanks Helen & Alex for a Murphy bed that is actually an open mouth waiting to you to lay down

Azus is also going third person. The poor little guy really does care about Wilde and like most tough kids is a lot more fragile than they seem. Azus feeds Wilde a potion.

Do as the Romans do.

Wilde is now back to 8 points. Alex goes for funny crying because this could break a listener if done at all seriously. Grumpy kid who steals from their siblings in self defense, crying at the first sight of them in real danger for the first time? Alex is being merciful.

Amidus is not dead of being the only one not helping Wilde.

Wilde takes her(?) own potion, because Helen doesn't want us to worry

Oh do not remind me how vulnerable Sasha was.

Riz has to extract himself from the pile to throw a dagger at the rug and gets sneak attack damage on the rug.

So Hamid's player just used Hamid's namesake to flank like Sasha always wanted. Riz obliterated the rug for hurting his sister.

Riz is good with his siblings.

Wilde gives Azus a hug.

Lydia distracts them by offering Wilde a scar.

Wilde rolls to comfort Azus.

Azus is going to be attached to Wilde like a limpet. Riz and Wilde are going to poke things with a stick.

"I'll never let go" Alex must you? Bryn don't help him break our hearts (well do, you know what I mean).

Ionic pillar pun, Alex is so pleased with James for that.

Thank you Riz for not pulling strange ropes that disappear into the ceiling.

Amidus however...

Nothing seems to happen is the scariest thing a GM can say. Ok it actually does just summon a servant.

Science Kobold mini!

Azus attacks the poor servant, who calls for a guard.

Amidus uses knock out gas on the servant and therefore at least one sibling. Now is not the time to roll well James. At least it was only a sleep spell.

Wilde keels over on the bed, Azus does not take it well.

Riz wants to gently tie up and interrogate the servant. They are a little to eager to stab this servant.

They are standing on the vault?

So its a random chance?

Poor Bryn keeps falling into Hamid's voice.

Lydia is not letting them assist each other on telling if the servant is lying. They now have to believe the servant who was lying.

Riz feints a stab at the servant before following his siblings down.

Lydia knows Alex gave us a damn complex about fall damage and clarifies its a fun slide.  

[rizyukaizen]

After many years I finally got a full reference for Riz done. Like holy cow. So a lot has changed on him and a lot not so much. His pelt for the most part didnt change and he still has the scars he has like always (back ones onto the wings have been fleshed out more as you can see on this).

Can also find this over on my DA account https://www.deviantart.com/rizyukaizen/art/Reference-Rizyu-Kaizen-v4-0-848130013

[jamiebluewind]

A Flame In The Dark: Chapter 1

Chapter 2 is up now! I'll try to link it here when I get the chance ^_^

Fandom: Dimension 20, Fantasy High

Word Count: 3594

Perspective: Riz

Note: Hurt/Comfort. There are a lot of trigger warnings, so please keep them in mind and stay safe.

Characters: Riz Gukgak, Fig Faeth, Adaine Abernant, Fabian Seacaster, Kristen Applebees, Gorgug Thistlespring (implied), Tracker O'Shaughnessey, Sandra Lynn Faeth, Ragh Barkrock (implied), Cathilda Ceíli (mentioned), and unnamed OC

Warnings: violence, death mention, canon typical violence (specifically Riz killing assholes), panic attack, abuse, injury, child abuse, starvation, neglect, isolation, imprisonment, dark themes, trauma, child murder mention, sewage mention, fantasy racism, implied slavery, parasite mention, blood mention (please message me if I missed any)

Summary: A hobgoblin that's responsible for an untold number of atrocities against goblins is dead. The battle is over. Riz's friends run to him to help calm his shaking form. None of them are prepared for what happens next.

"Look at how a single candle can both defy and define the darkness." Anne Frank

*****

The hobgoblin devastator stood there, almost smug as he looked down at Riz. To the hobgoblin, the offer was more than fair. A strong intelligent gobin being allowed to become a chief and fulfilling its roll of serving its betters? It was a kindness meant to somehow balance out his atrocities. Riz's blood boiled.

The smug bastard wasn't prepared for his rapier. Surprised. Sneak attack. Critial blow. Massive damage. A second critical slash while the bastard scrambled for his weapon. Riz was eerily quite, moving as silent as death. And to the hobgoblin, that's what Riz was. Death and pure unbrided rage.

The fight was short, so short in fact that the others didn't have time to act before the monster was laid out before Riz's feet. His friends ran to him. His breathing was heavy. He had always known that goblins were treated poorly in some countries, but he never realized... it made him sick. God it made him sick! The monster that had hurt his people was gone, but the bastard being dead on the floor didn't stop his body from shaking. Didn't erase the images of scars and beatings and dead children.

Someone was speaking to him. Scuffed hands placed Boggy in his arms. His friends knelt beside him so he didn't have to crane his neck. They were banged up from the battle to get where they were and bruises were already starting to form, but they were all there for him. A glance around the room showed that Cathilda and Sandra Lynn were there as well, alert and standing guard so that the kids could be safe while they focused on him. The anger melted away. His logical mind came out of its fog. He took a deep breath and let it out slowly.

He opened his mouth to speak when he froze. His ears twitched as a soft sound came from the rows of cages hanging a few yards behind the rusted metal throne. They weren't alone. He put a finger to his lips and whispered to his friends to keep talking before he stealthfully crept towards the origin of the sound.

Riz crouched low to check under the suspended cages, but there appeared to be nothing there. That didn't mean that someone wasn't hiding somewhere else. There were a lot of options and the possibility of an invisibility spell to consider.

The floor was a criss-cross of grates with a long open deep gap between the back wall and the floor. The wafting smell and a nearby hose implied that the design was probably meant to wash away waste, but it could also be used as a hiding place. He made sure to watch his step.

The chains supporting the cages could also make for a good hiding place for a decent climber. He scanned the ceiling, paying close attention to the more shadowy areas. It was badly lit at best, perfect for a rogue to disappear into, but perfect for him as well. Nothing stood out, so he kept looking.

The cages themselves weren't an ideal hiding place, but they would do in a pinch. They would also work as a bit of extra armor if someone locked themselves inside one. He relaxed his eyes and focused past the bars of the cages. A small, out of place shape stood out against the angular bars. With his friends still talking nonsense in the background, he slowly made his way over. He considered what the shape could be. Everything from a sack of food to an actual demilich crossed his mind, but he wasn't prepared what he found.

Locked inside one of the suspended cages was a small goblin child. She couldn't have been more than three or four years old. Her dark orange hair was caked with dirt. A threadbare tunic hung off her dangerously thin form. Riz gasped and her head shot up at the sound. She stared at him with intense amber eyes that stood out against the grime covering her face. There was no fear there, only acknowledgement.

Riz cleared his throat. [Hi], he spoke softly in Ghukliak, hoping his accent wasn't too thick. [My name is Riz Gukgak. I'm going to get you out of there... okay?]

A slight curious tilt to her head was the only indication she gave that she understood him. He pulled out his tool and she flinched. [No it's okay!] he said hurriedly as he threw his hands up in surrender, hoping it made him look less threatening. It didn't help. [Look], he said as he tried to hand her one of the tools he didnt need for her door. She snatched it from him.

[This], he said, pointing to his tool, [is something I use to open locks. They can't hurt anyone.] He pulled out a second tool and poked his finger with it to demonstrate. A tiny prick from the pointed edge, but no actual damage.

The child studied the small tool in her hand before cautiously handing it back. Riz took it as a good sign and started to work. The simple unwarded lock was open in seconds.

The door creeked open, but she didn't bolt out like he expected her too. Her head tilted again as she seemed to study the open door and the goblin before her, almost like she was unsure of what to do.

Riz decided to take a careful, patient approach. [It's okay], he said. [You're safe. You can come out now.] She seemed to lean towards the door just a fraction before going back.

Riz stood there and watched. He breathed in and out deeply and tried to relax his muscles, hoping she would do the same. The pungent smell of filth coating her tiny form filled his lungs, but he kept his face relaxed. His plan seemed to work to some degree as the little goblin stopping hiding behind her knees.

The energetic chatter from his friends was starting to die down. They would probably come looking for him any minute now. Riz looked the child directly in the eyes and - with every ounce of sincerely and conviction he could put into it - told her [I promise, I will protect you.]

Something seemed to click within her and she slowly crawled forward.  Her guard was up and Riz had no doubt that she would attack if given the opportunity, but she was still moving towards the door.

She made it to the opening and hesitated. Riz held out his arms. [If you don't wanna walk], he said, [I could carry you... if you want me to].

She looked down at his arms, up to his face, and back again. She seemed to consider his offer before raising her arms. He lifted her up and something in his brain screamed 'too light too light too light!' He tried not to think about the pests in her hair, her pronounced ribs, or what could have happened to her while she was down there. He failed.

Her large ears perked up as his friends started to speak in frantic whispers. He looked down at the child in his arms. [Those], he said with a jerk of his head, [are my friends. I'm going to let them know we're here. They won't hurt us. They will keep us safe.]

They seemed to move closer. He heard a sword being pulled from its scabbard. No time for subtlety. "Guys!" he yelled. She flinched in his arms. "Stay there," he said as he tried to calm her.

"...why?" Fabian asked, confused.

"Are there traps?" That was Sandra Lynn.

"Are you in trouble?" Kristen asked. She sounded worried.

The little goblin turned her head towards the voices and growled low and threateningly. Riz had no idea what the hell he was doing, but he held her close and whisped [It's okay, shhh]. "Everything's okay guys," he answered. "I just need everyone to be very still and nonthreatening."

"What the hell is going on?!" Fabian said. He sounded pissed now.

"We know as much as you do," Adaine answered.

"Is it a trap?" Fig asked.

[Everything's fine], Riz answered. He was too busy trying to calm down a tiny goblin to notice that he was still speaking in Ghukliak. [I found a kid. She's in rough shape. Probably needs healing too if anybody has a spare slot.] Riz also didn't realized that he had walked straight towards his friends on autopilot until someone gasped.

"What the hell is that!" Fabian yelled while pointing his finger at the girl. It was a big mistake. She bared her teeth and lashed out with lightening speed. She missed with her claws, but the tiny points of her teeth sunk into the flesh of Fabian's hand. "Ow!" he screamed as she jerked back towards Riz, still growling and grasping Riz's shirt as she tried to look as menacing as possible. It was nice to know that she trusted him to some degree and wanted to protect him, but gods damn!

"First off," Riz stated, starting to feel fatigued, "don't point your finger and scream at something that's growing at you."

"Uah!" Fabian answered with a sharp exhale, still holding his now injured hand.

"Second," Riz continued, ignoring Fabian's reaction, "this would be a goblin." He looked back towards the area he had just come from. Back towards the rows and rows of rusty cages hanging over a metal grate covered floor. Back towards a place that smelled of sewage and death. "She was... locked in one of the cages." His voice got quieter with each word. "She's just a kid. That asshole... he was locking toddlers in cages."

The others froze. Even Fabian seemed to stiffen as he took in the sight with its horrifying new context. They looked back at Riz and then down at the tiny goblin in his arms. Really looked at her. Bones pressing against skin covered in filth. Sunken tired eyes. Nicks along oversized ears, a jagged edge at the tip of one where a point should have been. Their faces all softened.

Fig shifted her weight and crossed her arms. "Good thing that bastard's already dead," she said, eyes filled with fire and rage, "because I wanna kill him. In fact, can we bring him back so I can do that?" The joking tone that was normally in her voice was completely absent.

"No," Kristen answered softly. "We all need the slots to heal everyone." She walked over to Fig and placed a hand on her shoulder. "Besides," she said as she dismissively waved towards the body of the deceased hobgoblin, "that asshole isn't even worth the time it would take to cast a cantrip."

Fig sighed. "Yeah," she said as some of the fight drained out of her. "You're right. But still..."

Everyone stood silently, save for the child and her steady growl. Adaine cleared her throat. "We should probably get out of here," she said to the group. "I don't believe there are any more, but we don't need to take that chance, especially with a small child in tow."

Everyone nodded in agreement and made their way towards the exit. Riz followed a few steps behind the group, hoping distance from the others would help the child calm down. It seemed to work as her growls quieted slowly as the 'threat' seemed to pass, but she was still on high alert. They continued to walk in silence. It had been a long day.

After over half an hour of walking, Adaine paused for a moment. Riz stopped as well, not wanting to get too close. He watched as she pulled out her spellbook and started flipping through its pages. She mumbled to herself, somehow able to both skim its pages and continue walking at her normal pace without tripping. He wondered if it was a wizard thing.

"I could cast comprehend languages," she said to no one in particular. "Oh but... shoot. That only works on me and only on comprehension, not speaking it. Hum..." more pages rustled as their footsteps echoed in the cave.

"Oh!" Adaine said a bit too loud, amplified by the acoustics of the cave. She didn't seem to notice, too focused on her book. Riz looked down, expecting to see the child on edge again. Instead, she seemed calm and curious about the strange girl before her.

"Tongues," Adaine told the walls. "That could work. Oh... but that one would take an hour to cast..." She flipped a page and ran her fingers over the script. "BUT, I can cast it on anyone and they can both understand languages AND be understood. Hum... it also has a one hour duration and no extra components. Yes. I believe that would be the best option." A comfortable silence followed, save for Adaine reading the complicated spell in a steady tone. Amber eyes watched her intently as the mouth of the cave drew near.

The bright light of the outside made the little one squint and hide her face against Riz's vest. He sighed and pulled off his hat, placing it on her head. If he was going to need to be treated for lice anyway, he might as well make her life a little easier.

Normally the hat would have been far too large for a kid her age, but between her thick hair and the layer of dried mud on top of it, the hat fit her perfectly. She reached up to touch the fabric. There was a flash of a tiny smile that was gone as fast as it came. Riz would have questioned if it had happened at all if he hadn't felt her tiny body relax in his arms.

The further the group got from that horrid place, the more they seemed to relax. Sandra Lynn patted her daughter on the arm before running off to scout ahead. Kristen and Tracker started acting like their lovey dovey selves, occasionally looking back to make sure that they weren't frightening their tiny guest. Soon, the whole party was talking and laughing as Kristen, Tracker, and Fig started working on healing.

That was until the first strum of Fig's bass. Little eyes went wide as her grip tightened on Riz. "Hey Fig!" Riz called out, stopping Fig before she could get another spell out. "I think she's scared of your bass."

"Oh shit!" Fig said, pausing mid strum. "I'm sorry little dude."

Riz furrowed his brow, trying to decide the best course of action. Fig looked genuinely upset over scaring the kid, but her skills were needed. Plus, there was no way to avoid using it in the long term. "Maybe," he said to Fig, still turning over all the options in his head, "you can show her that it's safe?"

"Yeah," she answered with a nod. "I could do that. She looks like she could use a heal anyway."

"Just..." he said, holding up a free hand. "Just let me warn her first."

Riz looked down. The child wasn't growling yet. That was a good sign. [Hey], he said to get her attention. She took her gaze off the others to look up at him. [See that lady with the horns?] She looked away from him towards Fig who had moved closer to the pair, but was still keeping her distance. [Yeah. That's 'Fig'. She helps people and beats up bad guys.] Her death grip on him seemed to loosen a little. [She wants to help you feel better. Is that okay?]

She looked back and forth between Riz and Fig. He watched the gears turn as she silently contemplated and examined Fig (for what, he couldn't say). Finally, she pointed a finger at Fig and looked up at Riz. "I think she's saying that you can come over," Riz said without breaking eye contact with her.

"You sure?" Fig asked, hesitantly. As if somehow understanding the intention behind the words, the little hand currency pointing at Fig became more insistent. Fig laughed. "Okay!" she answered. "You got it boss."

Fig made her way towards the pair. "Hey kid," she said, walking backwards as she faced them. Her longer legs allowed her to walk the same speed as Riz (show off). "I'm Fig. You got a name?"

Riz immediately felt like an idiot for not asking. [She wants to know what your name is], he said. The child looked up at him and tilted her head. She looked... confused. Shit. Shit, shit, shit! How long was she even trapped down there?!

Riz looked back up. "I don't think she knows," he said.

"Shit dude," Fig answered as she fell in step beside Riz. Amber eyes watched her closely. "That's really messed up."

Riz was about to say more when a little finger poked his chest. He looked down and was met with a very scrunched up annoyed face. "Huh?" he asked, a bit confused.

"I think she wants you to translate dude," Fig answered with a smirk.

Riz smiled. His heart felt warm. ['Fig' said you deserve a name], he said tactfully. [So we are gonna help you find one that you like.]

Her reaction was unexpected, but priceless. Her eyes went wide and her mouth fell open. She swiveled her head quickly back and fourth between Riz and Fig, his hat barely staying on her head. She blinked rapidly, trying to process something. Riz wasn't entirely sure how to take the reaction until her smile appeared again. Just the tiniest quirk to the corners of her mouth, only this time it stayed several seconds before it was gone.

"Woah," Fig said. She was smiling too, only it was bright and so big that it made her eyes crinkle. "What brought that on?"

"I told her we would help her find a name," Riz answered.

"Yes!" Fig exclaimed. "We gotta find one that's really cool, like... Bonecrusher or... um..." Fig screwed her face as she tried to think of a second option.

"Fig," Riz said. He was trying to sound serious, but it was hard when you're standing next to someone that though a sexy rat was a great idea. "We are not naming a small goblin child Bonecrusher. That is a TERRIBLE idea. For so many reasons!"

He felt a tiny finger jab his chest again. [Sorry], he said to the aforementioned small goblin child. ['Fig' is really excited about helping you find a name.] The response seemed to satisfy her as she looked back over at Fig.

Fig studied her a moment and slowly help out her bass. "This," she said, pointing to the instrument, "is a bass. I use it to make music, help people, and kick ass. You can touch it, if you want."

The child glanced at Riz. [She said this is a 'bass'], he translated. [It's how she uses her powers. She said you can touch it.]

The child considered this. Fig kept her bass held out as they walked. It was unusual for Fig to be patient about anything. Riz was grateful that today was one of those days.

A tiny hand reached out towards the bass before shooting back. Fig just kept holding it in position. Several aborted attempts later, a tiny hand finally reached the guitar. She looked up at Fig. Fig smiled.

"You wanna hear it play?" Fig asked, her smile now crooked and filled with mischief.

[She wants to know if you want to hear it make sounds], Riz said without being asked.

She looked up at Fig and down at the instrument, her hand still resting on the red finish. She pulled her hand away, only to point at the bass.

"Ask and you shall receive," Fig answered, playing a single note.

A tiny gasp came out of the child as her mouth hung slightly open. Her tiny hand went forward again, hesitant but more sure. She stopped with a finger over a string and looked up to Fig. Fig nodded and her finger went down and plucked a string. A single note rang out. She watched the string vibrate before plucking another with a bit more force. It sounded louder than the first. She tilted her head in a way that was starting to become familiar before plucking the first string again. Then the second. First. Second. First. Second. Her eyebrows furrowed the entire time as if she was unlocking a secret, her eyes focused in concentration. She eventually tried the other strings as well. When she was finaly satisfied, she brought her hand back to Riz and looked up at Fig.

"Not bad for a first try," Fig said, the smile still plastered on her face. She seemed to be enjoying herself and her current audience. "Wanna see something even cooler?"

[She said you did good], Riz translated, [She wants to show you something else... are you're okay with that?]

The child looked up at Fig and waited. Fig took this as a yes and started to play. Normally Fig was loud and brash, but the soft melody was soothing, warm, and laced with a magic that was so very Fig. The child seemed entraced by the song, her sharp eyes watching in awe.

Riz felt the child's body relax as the magic enveloped her. She sighed and laid her head down on his shoulder. Her eyes were still fixed on Fig, her ears pointed towards the sound, but her body was heavy and still. Her grip losened as the magic did its work. Fig continued to play the soft melody as the amber eyes watching her fluttered closed.

*****

Special thanks to @plutosfury for helping me brainstorm the OC and to Pluto and @winterpower98 for being my beta readers. Also, thank you to my wonderful readers @fangirlsftw , @the-ipre , @riz-gukgak , @pete-theplug , Winter, and Pluto who helped me get past my anxiety about posting this. You guys rock! ^_^

[yourdearhart]

Louis’ Self-worth (pt. 1)

Part 1: The Physical Aspect

*spoilers for the manga below*

I know I’ve made “Louis is pissed about being an herbivore” jokes on here, but mainly in that “haha no really” sense. Louis does hate being an herbivore. I think this is something that was instilled in him from the earliest possible age, watching the carnivores who caged him, and those who came and went and ate his friends; watching those friends be dragged away, and being helpless to stop it. He and the other herbivores were defenseless, and we know how, as a teen/adult, Louis hates being weak. The path between those two things is a straight line. 

Everything about him is built to flee and run at the first sign of trouble, and he despises it; Louis wants to fight. He was raised as food and seen as nothing more than a product; is it any wonder he grew to hate that product, the body that marked him for death? He hates carnivores, presumably because he developed a prejudice against them after what was done to him, but we know he gets past that. He does not get past his self-loathing over being an herbivore.

This is part of his trouble with Azuki: he despises himself and his body so thoroughly that when he looks at her, a fellow red deer (a fact he notes twice in his narration of their intimacy), he sees all the things about himself that he hates the most. He even calls it out during their rendezvous at the hotel:

Louis: Our thin and weak bodies intertwined... [emphasis mine]

This is not the first time Louis complains about his body’s weakness. After he fractures his leg during rehearsal for Adler, he berates his physical failures.

Louis: It seems like the more I exert myself, the more my body fails me...I know I wasn’t born with a body designed for battle. I’m built as food for carnivores to capture and devour.

13 years after he was rescued from the livestock pen, Louis is still painfully aware of his place in the natural world, and he resents, seemingly, everyone for it: carnivores for their urges, herbivores for their prey instincts. He’s disgusted with the part he plays in the natural order, and he pushes his body to the breaking point trying to be other than he is.

Repeatedly throughout the encounter with Azuki he has to tell himself this is normal, as if he’s trying to convince himself to be attracted to another deer. As we know, he fails, and his revulsion to attempted intercourse with another deer is so strong he has a physical response (throwing up).

Louis: This is normal. Nothing about this is strange. The only thing that’s strange is me. That’s why this situation is making me feel so uncomfortable.

What is he drawn to instead? Juno-- a fierce and deadly carnivore, a gray wolf. An image of strength. Also, for the record: a natural predator of the red deer.

Louis, to Juno (“Our Electric Cardiogram is a Straw Ripped to Pieces”): “You shouldn’t be ashamed of your hunting instincts because you’re a female.”

Louis (“Her Breasts so Translucent the Light of the TV Passes Through Them”): She [Azuki] doesn’t kiss like Juno...nothing in her mouth resembles those rough canine teeth.

Early in his acquaintance with Legoshi, he also remarks on his physicality, observing how even casually, even when Legoshi is trying to stay the wallflower that he is, Legoshi’s form projects strength and vitality.

Louis: “Your body is always flaunting its power.”

It’s easy to see that entire exchange with Legoshi in the leader room being tinted with envy. Louis hates Legoshi because Legoshi has what Louis wants: a body that can fight. If Louis could fight, he wouldn’t have been a victim. If he could fight, he wouldn’t have to be afraid, he wouldn’t be looked down on by carnivores, or pitied for his prey body. Louis is fiercely independent (to the point of getting angry with peers who sympathize with him after he lands in the infirmary), and for him, being a carnivore would increase his ability to walk alone.

What does he hate? Carnivores who try to hide their strength, who pretend to be weaker than they are.

Louis: “I wish you’d stop holding back all the time...I want you to bare your fangs!”

Legoshi: “No! I’d be breaking the law. A carnivore is forbidden from bearing its fangs at an herbi--”

Louis: “Don’t you dare lump me in with the other herbivores! ...It’s large carnivores like you who piss me off the most! ...I wish you’d challenge me sometimes--with everything you’ve got!”

When carnivores try to hide themselves, Louis’ feelings are threefold:

They’re trying to lessen themselves to make him feel safe, as if he needs to be coddled or protected, as if they need to dilute themselves for his comfort (as if he could forget what they are because they’re hiding their fangs).

They’re striving to be something weaker than they are. They are crafting themselves into an image of something Louis finds detestable--a weaker animal.

They’re hiding gifts he envies. Louis wants to be strong and deadly, so to see a predator pretend to be otherwise feels like seeing things he wants gifted to someone who doesn’t appreciate them.

I believe quite a lot of this ties into his early childhood. As I’ve discussed before on this blog, Louis openly admits to himself that his time in the livestock pen deeply scarred him, and is still affecting him at present. At one of his lowest, weakest points--when Legoshi, one of Louis’ only friends, is going to die in the fight with Riz and Louis is helpless to stop it--he calls back to that time when he was at his most helpless:

Louis: The fawn inside me is still crying in his cage.

Louis despises being an herbivore, because he sees them as weak, cowardly, prey. Having been raised for consumption, and been unable to help himself or his friends escape their fate, he can’t help but hate the body that failed him, which is why he can’t manage to make himself be attracted to other deer. Knowing he will never be as strong as a carnivore, Louis has poured his efforts into obtaining power in other ways: weapons, political power, intellectual prowess, a forceful personality.

This may also be why he was less than hysterical about losing a leg. Saving the life of his friend is the best thing his body could be used for, since it’s never been any use to him.

We know that Louis gets over his hatred of carnivores. This realization contributes to his decision to leave the Shishigumi, and it’s a powerful moment for him, coming in tandem with realizing he considers Legoshi a friend, and is afraid that he’s going to be hurt or killed in the fight with Riz. But his hatred of his own body and instincts continue--sometimes, it’s easier to forgive others than ourselves.

I’ve broken this into two parts because this has already gotten a little long and I don’t want you to have to scroll for miles to get through this.

See Part 2: The Mental Aspect here