#rip to my past high school social life

[storiesandfolklore]

My Nigerian Dad would/could never...

[inkedbydesire]

Can’t Let Go (Pt 1)

Jimmy Uso x Black Fem Reader

A/N: This is inspired by an Adele song called “Can’t Let Go.” Please give it a listen if you’ve never heard it. It will enhance your reading experience (I hope 😂).

Warnings: None.

Summary: You thought you would never hear from him again. And truthfully, even that was too soon. They say that time heals all wounds. So with time, you convinced yourself that closure wasn’t necessary, that you didn’t need to understand why he ripped your heart to shreds. Somewhere along the way you even managed to persuade yourself that you were completely over the whole ordeal and completely over him. But after a full year of silence, a single letter arrives, threatening to undo everything you fought so hard to move past.

Word Count: 2.8k

A/N: Jimmy is kinda sorta my muse right now. So here’s another one *Dj Khaled voice.* I apologize in advanced for any grammatical errors or typos I may have missed during my proofreading.

*************************************************

"Jonathan fucking Fatu." 

You muttered the words to yourself, then took yet another sip from your wine glass. Well, honestly, it was more of a gulp. You practically downed the whole thing. And this wasn't even your first or second glass. Normally, you never drank this much in a day, but tonight seemed like a special occasion. After a grueling shift in the ER, you'd expected to come home to a warm bath, a good meal, and reruns of Bob's Burgers. Not a letter from your ex-boyfriend, Jonathan, who you hadn't heard from in over a year.

When you stopped by your parent's house after work because your mom said she had something for you, the last thing you expected was a letter from Jonathan. No wonder she'd sounded so strange on the phone. No communication had passed between you and Jonathan for so long that he had no choice but to send the letter to the last address he remembered, your parent's house. He knew nothing about your apartment. He knew nothing about your life anymore. And why would he? He wasn't a part of it.

"I'm not doing this." You muttered aloud as you stood up, holding your wine glass in one hand and the letter in the other. You slowly walked into the kitchen and hovered over the trash can, you held the letter there for a moment before you dropped it in. Then, you turned off the light and returned to the living room, sinking back onto the couch. You tried to focus on anything else other than that damn letter but no more than five minutes later, you were back in the kitchen, digging through the trash.

This time, you didn't waste a second before heading back to the couch with the letter clutched between your fingers. You decided to leave the wine alone telling yourself that there was no need to add a hangover to your list of problems tomorrow. Shifting your attention to the letter you finally opened the envelope and unfolded the pages. As your eyes skimmed over Jonathan's neat handwriting, memories that you'd worked so hard to suppress rushed at you all at once as if you'd just been blindsided by a semi-truck.

High school. Sophomore year. That was when you first met him. Your parents had uprooted your whole life and moved you to Florida when your dad got a better job offer. You'd been terrified, forced to leave behind everything and everyone you knew. You were social, but not enough to feel okay with walking into a new school where everyone already had their friends. You had no idea how to approach anyone. You knew if you didn't find a way to fit in, you'd spend the next few years alone.

Before you could muster the courage to talk to anyone on your first day, Jonathan was the first student to speak to you.

"You must be new" he said to you casually as you stood in the hallway staring down at your schedule. The guidance counselor had only shown you to your first class and then left you to fend for yourself. This school was far bigger than your old one so on your way to second period you got a little lost.

"It's that obvious huh?" you responded back to the stranger then looked over at him and smiled. He returned it, warm and friendly.

"Lemme see" he said as he reached for your schedule and you allowed him to have it happy to have someone who seemed like they wanted to help. 100s of other students had brushed past you so far and he had been the only one to stop.

"Oh, we got the same second period. Follow me. I got you." He told you as he handed you back your schedule and you thanked him as you folded it and slid it in your back pocket.

"What's your name?" He asked as you fell into step beside him.

"Y/N" you responded as he zigzagged you through the hallways. Quickly you picked up on the fact that Jonathan was pretty popular. On every hallway that you followed him down some dude was dapping him up or some girl was saying hey. And for some reason, he kept taking it upon himself to introduce you to every single person you two encountered. He kept telling people "This the new girl Y/N."

Like it was his duty or something.

You were a little embarrassed that he kept making you the center of attention but if you were going to meet anyone other than him it had to be that way. And you guessed he figured that. You think he just wanted you to feel included. And you did. During your lunch period, you spotted someone who looked like Jonathan so you went over to thank him for helping you again, only to discover you were talking to his twin brother Joshua. That's how you ended up meeting both of them on your very first day.

Jonathan talked to you every day after that. Over time you managed to find your place in a good group of friends when you joined the cheerleading team. This caused you and Jonathan to grow even closer because you spent more time around him due to him and his brother being football players. By Junior year you two were dating and experiencing a lot of firsts together. You were high school sweethearts for two years but mutually broke up after graduation when you saw that life was taking you in two completely different directions. It wasn't a sad or bitter breakup because you both understood and respected each other's futures. You just wanted to see each other win. And you knew that no matter what you would always keep in touch.

Jonathan went to college for a little bit before moving away with Joshua to pursue wrestling which was a part of their family legacy. You stayed in Florida went to college and worked tirelessly to follow your dream of becoming a nurse. You and Jonathan barely ever saw each other anymore.  Years passed. But still, you kept in contact here and there.

Jonathan and Joshua got signed to the WWE. You remember him being so excited on the phone when he called and told you about it. You became a nurse and started working at the hospital of your dreams. And crazy enough you even almost got married. You were engaged to a Doctor that you met at one of the hospitals you interviewed at before finding your perfect fit. He seemed like a amazing person on the surface but you later found out that it was all just a hoax. 1 week before your wedding you found out that he had fathered an outside child and had basically been unfaithful throughout your whole relationship. That was a horrible time for you but you managed to get through it. And although Jonathan couldn't be there for you physically you could always count on him to send you some encouraging words every other day.

When it seemed that you and Jonathan had finally solidified yourselves in your careers that's when you two reconnected on a deeper level. It started with texting each other as much as your work schedules and sleeping arrangements would allow. Then to falling asleep on Facetime with each other every night. Then to catching flights to see each other. He came to see you. You went to see him. And then on one of your trips, he just didn't want you to leave. So you decided to say goodbye to Florida and moved to the state that Jonathan was calling home. You found a hospital to work at and easily settled into life with him. For 3 years you and him had a relationship that you had convinced yourself you could only read about. You thought Jonathan was your forever and you found solace in thinking you would never know heartbreak again. 

But then it happened. 

It started like any other day. It was your off day so you were going to run a few errands and spend the rest of the day relaxing. Jonathan was on the road as usual living the hectic life of a wrestler so you were going to spend some time missing him too. But that was basically it. There were no warning signs. No strange feeling in the pit of your stomach. Nothing. You went through the day totally oblivious to the fact that your whole world was about to collapse.

Later on that night out of the blue your notifications started going insane. Jonathan had posted you on his Instagram here and there over the years so people knew who you were through him. Due to that, his fans started interacting with you. So you assumed that's what it was. That they were just tagging you in random things like normal. But you saw that everybody kept sending you the same link to a TMZ article. You ignored it until your best friend sent it to you with a message that read "Have you seen this? Are you okay?"

Nothing could've prepared you for what you saw. The headline was still engraved in your memory.

"Jimmy Uso exposed for stepping out on his now girlfriend Y/N: Woman reveals picture and text proof."

Your phone moved from side to side in your shaky hands as you read the article. Your heart pounded and your stomach turned as you read the claims of a woman who said she had been with Jonathan intimately a month ago. There were text messages and you knew for certain that it was his number. He had the same number since high school. But if that wasn't the nail in the coffin she also had a picture of him in her bed. Tears began to blur your vision as you read away every ounce of trust and security you ever had in Jonathan and your relationship.

Barely being able to process what was happening you moved in a zombie-like state as you located your laptop. Your brain was on autopilot as you booked a flight back to Florida for 6 am the next morning. You knew that you had to be out of that house before Jonathan came back. You were sure he knew the news by now. He had to. And you didn't know if he would drop everything and try to rush back. You didn't want to see his face. You didn't want to hear him try to explain himself. There was nothing that he could tell you. Life as you both knew was just completely over now.

And he only had himself to thank for that.

You packed what you could fit into your two suitcases and decided you would leave everything else behind. You had 3 years of stuff here but none of that mattered. With your heart feeling like somebody just snatched it out of your chest with a butcher's knife ..... nothing mattered. Shutting your phone off to silence the noise of the constant calls and texts you were receiving, you then climbed into the bed that you and Jonathan shared and cried your eyes out until sleep somehow found you. You woke up the next morning in time enough to take a shower, cry in it, and then leave Jonathan a note. You tore a piece of paper from a notebook and wrote,

Dear Jonathan, I hope it was worth it. Bye.

You left it on the coffee table in the living room before running out to catch your Lyft to the airport. Later that evening when you arrived in Florida you took a taxi to your parent's house. You knew your mom had already heard the news by the way she greeted you when you rang the doorbell. She just allowed you to fall into her arms and she held you as tight as she could. You were mentally and physically drained as you climbed the stairs and went to your childhood bedroom. You went to the bathroom that was connected to it and caught a glimpse of yourself in the mirror. You looked exactly like what you were going through. Your eyes were swollen from all of the nonstop crying and somehow your brown skin looked pale. After taking off the hoodie you had on and stripping down to your panties you went back to your bedroom and got into the bed. When you were under the covers you decided to turn your phone back on for the first time in over 12 hours. You had what seemed like 100s of text messages, missed calls, and voicemail messages from Jonathan.

You opened one of the voicemail messages, your heart breaking all over again as you heard the desperation in his voice.

............. "Baby, where did you go? I swear that shit didn't mean nothing. I ... I fucked up. I really fucked up. And I regretted that shit instantly. I wanted to tell you about it. I just didn't want what's happening now to happen. I didn't want to lose you Y/N. Please say something to me." .......

Well there it was, he admitted to it. So any stupid hope of this somehow not being your reality was lost. You shut your phone back down ignoring him again as tears streamed down the side of your face. Somehow through all of the pain you felt in your chest sleep still found you. You woke up later that night with more voicemail messages from Jonathan.

............ "Look Y/N I'm going out of my fucking mind. Just let me know where you at. I need to know that you alright." .........

............. "Curse me out. Do something. I can't take this silent shit."...........

.............. "I don't know if you even listening to these but I love you Y/N. I know you might not believe or wanna hear that right now but I love you."

You ended up blocking his number. But things didn't end there. You still had a long road ahead of you. He blew you up on every single social media app which you eventually had to delete. What Jonathan did to you was very public and people were talking about it. And you needed to ignore the world and him if you were ever going to get back to you.

As time went on you started to function like a normal human being again. You didn't end up sitting on the shower floor every time you took one and you started to eat more than once a day again. But it seemed like every time you tried to make a step to move on Jonathan would contact you and set you back. When he couldn't reach you on social media anymore he started sending emails. You blocked him there too. Then he put two and two together and figured you were at your parent's house and started abusing their phone lines as well. When his number was blocked yet again he even resorted to catching a flight and randomly showing up to their house. Rightfully so your father refused to let him in and sent him on his way.

Jonathan had turned your whole world upside down but you still communicated with his family through all of it. His mom and Dad checked on you. But you mainly talked to Joshua the most because you two had a friendship outside of him. Joshua genuinely wanted to know about your well-being, so you responded to him often while still being radio silent when it came to his brother. When Jonathan caught wind that you were still talking to Joshua he tried reaching out to you through him. You told Joshua not to allow him to do that or you would also have to cut ties with him. You didn't want to do that because Joshua hadn't done anything to you but you seriously wanted absolutely nothing to do with Jonathan. You didn't need his explanation. His apologies only infuriated you. You didn't need anything from him.

He tried to get you to communicate with him for almost a year but you never took any of the bait. Time passed and Jonathan's crazy measures to reach you eventually slowed down. 

Year two rolled around and for the first time, you heard no signs from him for a whole two weeks. But still, he was known to pop out when you got the most comfortable so you wearily anticipated him. But then two weeks turned into a month. One month turned into four. Before you knew it a whole year had passed with nothing from his end. In that time you managed to get your life back on track. You moved out of your parent's house into a nice apartment and were able to get the old job that you had before leaving Florida to be with Jonathan back.

It had been two years since you removed yourself from his life so you thought that the Jonathan Solofa Fatu chapter in your life was closed. You thought you would never hear another peep from him but yet here you were holding this letter.

And any peace you thought you had found with the situation was now completely disturbed.

Part 2

[necroromantics]

☀️ — The Sun; Tobin Lawsen

the boy who pulls his canines out with pliers in hopes that he'll stop biting the hand that feeds.

- tobin lawsen wasn't a good person by any means.

- he grew up in a small dirty mobile home in north dakota. born and raised trailer trash. from an early age he was deemed a diseased mutt, a feral hound.

- the boy was nothing but dog teeth, bloody knuckles, cigarette smoke, house fires.

- he was shotgun shells and broken glass.

- peach pits, orange juice, booze he stole from his parents. climbing the roof of his childhood home to sneak a bottle with the same kids who considered him a freak. he never cared about any of them.

- on the brightside, he never had anything to lose. all he had to his name was ripped up sneakers crusted with graveyard dirt and his backpack which held in it his entire life.

- if he wasn't doing whatever drug he could get his hands on, he was at home fighting with his father, or taking care of his little sister.

- if he wasn't at home getting dragged out back to be beat for running his mouth, he was causing trouble at school, or skipping class to get high.

- tobins philosophy was that nothing truly mattered. not his family, his friends, anyone or anything. he couldn't bring himself to care about any of it, he barely cared about himself.

- all that mattered to him was whatever kept him entertained in the moment. whether that was picking fights, getting high, or making friends with people he knew he wouldn't keep around for long.

- he was socially isolated from a very young age, all the other kids would distance themselves from him, or treat him like a creep. this caused him to become pretty socially inept, not really understanding boundaries, social etiquette, right or wrong.

- he never properly learned how to be a normal person, or how to shut his mouth, or how to do anything but bite back hard.

- nobody could really stomach tobin. aside from the brutal scar on his lip from a childhood dog attack, he was a mess. he was mean, insensitive, off-putting. everybody who tried to swallow him eventually choked him back up.

- that isn't to say he was entirely insufferable. he was witty, outgoing, goofy, could make friends with just about anyone if he wanted to. tobin had a weird sort of charm to him; at the beginning.

- but as soon as someone began to push past the line of casual acquaintance, they'd understand quickly why he didn't really have any friends.

- like the sun, whoever got too close would eventually get burnt.

^ art by my girlfriend, tobin is made by me

[x-dot-com]

Haiii people in my phone!!!1!!!1!

Soooo, my name is X or Xavier, either one works and I’m ok with other nicknames!!! I’m 15 years and 4 months old, my b-day is in the spooky month of October! I’m a goofy guy who goes by he/they/any pronouns but she/her!! This is my first social media account cuz I’ve never really wanted to be online a lot, so please don’t judge my intro thxxx!!! :333

Everyone is welcome unless you’re here to spread hate, this includes anybody who is racist, transphobic, homophobic, or bigoted!

I’m in a handful of fandoms lol, some of them include;

• Minecraft SMP’s

•Realm SMP(Still ongoing, hosted by Tubbo)

•ASMP(Is over, hosted by AimseyTV)

•QSMP(Is over, hosted by Quackity)

•DSMP(is over, I do NOT support the problematic creators on it)

• Webcomics!! The ones I really like are:

I’m the Grim Reaper

Dead But Not Gone

LUMINE

It Strikes a Chord

Paperteeth

Confetti Cookies

High Class Homos

The Moth Prince

1HP Club

Watermelon

School Bus Graveyard

Clinic of Horrors

• GENERATION LOSS!!!!1!1!!1!!!! Also known as Gen Loss!!

The Social Experiments(TSE)

The Founders Cut(or The Lounders Cut, have you seen his signature?? The F looks like an L, like, get better writing man smh 🙄)

The Founders Game(In it is Afterschool Slash, RIP Ben 😭)

ITS MY WHOLE LIFE, AND HAS BEEN FOR THE PAST ALMOST TWO YEARS LOL (AND HAVE YOU SEEN THE FOUNDER?? LIKE SMAAAA-)

• FNAF(I am STILL trying to comprehend the lore like WHAT DO YOU MEAN theres new things????😭)

• Gravity Falls (I fricking love it so much, it reminds me that it’s ok to be myself <3)

• Jurassic Park Camp Cretaceous/Chaos Theory(What did they do to Ben in Chaos Theory??? He looks like my weed smoking lesbian son 😭 I fr love him tho lol)

I have a whole bunch of interests, including but not limited to; D&D, Magic The Gathering, drawing(or any sort of art), Kandi making, learning French, writing, HIGHLAND COWS(omg I love these animals so so much), choir, band, computer coding, acting, Monster Energy(I’m unhealthily addicted lol), collecting bones, exploring, escape rooms, eyeballs(like, googly eyes or any type of eye thing, no clue why XD), cosplaying, The MissClick Duo(I love doomed gay lovers lol), reading, and a whole lot more!!!1!!!1!!1!!

My music taste and most things about me are alternative, so I might be a little weird/cringy, but I don’t care! I’m just here to have fun! My taste in music is mostly hyperpop, breakcore, and nightcore, but consists of a little bit of a lot of things! My favorite artists are(in no particular order):

• Femtanyl

• FEM&M

•LuLuYam

•Sparkbird

• Lemon Demon

•CG5

• MAILPUP

• BRN1NG BRAIN SOUND INDUSTRIES

• Rabbitology

• Penelope Scott

• Hatsune Miku

• Set It Off

• Mother Mother

• Bo Burnham

• I DONT KNOW HOW BUT THEY FOUND ME

• STOMACH BOOK

I’m also super proud of my little OC’s so ima list them offfff!!!1!1!!!!(main ones are the top 4 :P)

• Xiero(Zie-roh)

• Pomme(Pom)

• Fazer(Fay-zur)

• Diesel Baby(dont ask about him…)

• Saturn and Pluto(Older sister, younger brother)

• Ozera(Oh-zur-a)

• [REDACTED](Just a funky dude)

• Cyder(Guess what they were based off of… cheese)

• Marmalade(She’s uhmmm… I don’t have much on her yet lol)

• Atlas(Xiero and Vix’s youngest brother)

•Vix(Xiero’s younger brother and Atlas’s older sibling)

•Smolzer(I’m a D&D DM but this is my character when I play :D)

Anyways, that’s me for now!!!1!!1!! Have a wonderful day/night!!1!1!!!!Yippieee!!!1!!1!!

[nomsfaultau]

Daily ask №21 (3 WEEK ANNIVERSARY WOO)

Education edition!

1. The fault crew get magically teleported to high school. To everyone else they appear as perfectly normal, definitely human, high school age students. Except Phil, he's a professor. Oh also the red is temporarily disabled. They also get a note from me apologizing for sending them into random situations so much and the info that they'll be there for one school day and they'll be teleported back when they exit the school after the school day ends. They also have backpacks with their timetables and any other normal schools stuff they might need. What happens?

2. What would each character's favourite subject be? Why?

3. How much experience does each character actually have with school/the education system?

4. Would Tubbo having dyslexia imply that dyslexia is a condition that affects the soul and not the brain? Considering the fact that I don't think they.. have.. a brain. Can they even get brain damage? Or bruises (doesn't have blood).

5. What would each character be a teacher of if they had to be a teacher?

1.Well Tommy is having the best day of his life making friends and chatting and goofing off. Everyone else is losing their minds. I don’t imagine they’d participate willingly given a major lack of familiarity and general chaotic upheaval, but we’ll assume magic reinforcement. 

Phil is pulling his hair out trying to fake lectures on the fly, but is pretty good once he gets into it. Honestly one of the better substitutes the classes have gotten, given I’ve dealt with neonazi subs in the past. He’s fun and nice but can wrangle everyone enough that they aren’t just feral. Philza is unflappable to various hazing rituals, and somehow gets a class to enjoy a brief meditating session like one of my coworkers managed once. Still don’t know how she got 10 year olds to beg to meditate again…

Tubbo is desperately trying to find a wheel chair so they don’t have to explain the flying thing. And then kinda adores it since it’s so much easier to get around and they’re way less tired than normal since constantly flying on a skeleton crew gives very little time to rest. Unforchie living in the woods makes wheelchairs impractical due to the terrain. They keep going hella fast and accidentally running into walls and stuff. Though it’s probably an awful model that is uncomfortable after a few hours rip. Other than that, becomes THE person for school gossip. Literally knows all the dirt within hours. Cheats their way through all tests and work too because come on they’re an adult they’re not dealing with this bullmuffin. 

Wilbur is mentally dying. He only knows forbidden knowledge and has never done proper math before. Its only understanding of social convention is stuff picked up in crowds and stores, only brief interactions to avoid further attention. Doesn’t understand literally anything that’s happening, and ends up ditching class to try and hide until the school day is over (no concept of how long that is). Starts stress eating really bad. 

The Blade is somewhat shy at first given it’s a bunch of people he doesn’t know, but gets into it. He’s having fun preforming way above grade level and rubbing it in the face of children. But also uuhsghsja in person school is so long and requires consistent attention in a way that is hellish on the adhd. He misses college schedule flexibility and fewer number of hours. 

2.The Blade likes mythology bc he’s a nerd. And also the voices have scraps of information from the past sometimes. Wilbur likes theater because it’s his natural calling. Philza likes science because it keeps evolving all the time and is really funny to compare to previous human theories on how stuff works. Tommy likes art. He’s not like good but he has fun. Tubbo’s a philosophy guy since omg other people with ethics…

3.Wilbur: zilch. Nada. Never really considered how humans seem to know stuff while he’s had to puzzle everything out. Is jealous when it realizes people are just told how to operate and function in society when it had to learn the hard way. 

The Blade: online classes, skimmed through K-12 stuff and then attended proper college. A proud dual major. 

Tubbo: has gone through the school system twice, plus law school. I think Rosalind was like a psychology major but didn’t do anything with it. Jasmine was in year one, and Rhodes gave Tubbo informal schooling. 

Tommy: a high school dropout because the Foundation got him before he could graduate. Was planning to go to college but wasn’t sure what degree to get. 

Philza: a bunch of weird stuff over the millennia. Not stuff really geared towards children, but I figure he’s dipped in with various philosopher and academic circles. I suppose most recently would be Dr. Anderson rambling about his archeology work, since Phil was a big help on his thesis. 

4.Nah not a soul thing at all. Bees have brains. And also very importantly, 2 compound eyes with 6,000 lenses and three ocelli (primitive light receptor eyes). Now that is a lot of images, though a bee brain does combine them like how we combine our two fields of vision. Except, Tubbo also has approximately 1 million eyes when at the 200k population, most of which is not looking at only the words before them. Plus most of those eyes are very very small compared to the letters. This all makes it rather hard for them to read, which Rhodes interpreted as dyslexia.  

Also fun fact only the insectoid body’s eyes can see the color red, since (to my understanding) light operates differently at a small scale so insects operate lower on the light spectrum (ultra violet to orange). But the insectoid eyes are way bigger so they can have human range too. Though Tubbo tends to call things that for them are in the orange range red since obviously when Rhodes was looking at red stuff that’s what he taught them it was. So also partially color blind, or color+ given the ultra violet. 

Tubbo could get temporary brain damage should the majority of bees get brain damage (probably difficult without killing them). But give them a month and those bees will all be dead and replaced. Potentially could get bruise like injuries from internal damage to honey cells, but they’d probably eat the spilled honey. 

5.Phil is a welding teacher because fire and invention. He helps kids make swords and whatever they can think of since he wants to foster human innovation. He can’t be a history teacher because what he has experience with is very spotty and he’d probably argue with the official version of history so much that all his students fail testing.

Wilbur is a gym teacher. Everyday is leg day. It loves designing weird challenges and games and honestly half the kids probably hate it. He always beats them on the mile, definitely not one of those gym teachers that sits and watches the kids exercise. 

Assuming the orphan thing isn’t a problem, The Blade is an English teacher. Preferably for middle schoolers since they’d really vibe with his edgy humor. Everything he grades is always three months late. 

Tommy teaches graphic design. It’s stuff like editing silly videos and photoshop nonsense. It’s very easy to get him off topic to avoid working that class period. 

Tubbo covers home ec with an emphasis on stuff like gardening. They always seem to know when people are acting up, like eyes in the back of their head but a million times worse. 

[twilightcitadel]

An Exploration of Medieval Fantasy Anime/Manga

Vinland Saga

Within the vast and magical realm of anime, there is a subgenre that transports viewers to medieval settings inhabited by knights, magic, and fantastical creatures. The allure of historical locales mixed with fantastical aspects is what makes medieval fantasy anime so captivating—it takes viewers to worlds beyond our own. We will examine the fundamentals of medieval fantasy anime, delve into its many subgenres, and offer a list of the top 5 shows that you simply must watch in this blog post.

Understanding Medieval Fantasy Anime

The rich tapestry of medieval European history serves as the basis for medieval fantasy anime, which infuses it with fantastical elements like magic, mythological creatures, and heroic quests. Both fans of fantasy and anime are drawn to the genre's distinct atmosphere, which is frequently characterised by knights, castles, and feudal societies.

Sub-genres within Medieval Fantasy Anime

High Fantasy Epics:

This category includes shows like "Berserk" and "Record of Lodoss War" which offer complex, expansive stories with huge battles and elaborate world-building.

Source: MyAnimeList - Berserk, Record of Lodoss War

Isekai Adventures:

A distinctive twist is added to certain medieval fantasy anime through the use of the isekai (another world) element. "Re:Zero - Starting Life in Another World" and "The Rising of the Shield Hero" propel their main characters into medieval-esque settings from the contemporary world.

Source: MyAnimeList - Re:Zero, Shield Hero

Historical Fantasy Blend:

"Vinland Saga" and other television shows skillfully blend fantasy and historical events. It offers a distinct viewpoint by fusing creative storytelling with historical characters and locations.

Source: MyAnimeList - Vinland Saga

Magical Academies:

Due to the presence of academies where characters train to become masters of mystical powers, anime such as "The Irregular at Magic High School" and "The Seven Deadly Sins" give magical elements to medieval settings.

Source: Fandom - Irregular at Magic High School, Seven Deadly Sins

Slice of Life in Fantasy Realms:

Some series, such as "Spice and Wolf" and "The Ancient Magus' Bride" blend medieval fantasy with elements of everyday life, creating a unique and immersive experience.

Source: MyAnimeList - Spice and Wolf, Ancient Magus' Bride

Top 5 Must-Watch Medieval Fantasy Anime

After examining the various sub-genres, let's take a look at the top 5 medieval fantasy anime, which are distinguished by their captivating stories, striking artwork, and endearing characters.

Berserk:

This epic work of dark fantasy follows the adventures of a lone mercenary named Guts, who has a tragic past, as he fights his way through a world full of corrupt knights and demons.

Source: MyAnimeList - Berserk

Re:Zero - Starting Life in Another World:

Subaru Natsuki finds himself in a fantasy world reminiscent of the Middle Ages and learns he has the capacity to resurrect himself. themes of love, sacrifice, and personal development are all explored in the series.

Source: Crunchyroll - Re:Zero

Vinland Saga:

"Vinland Saga" is a historical narrative that follows the life of Thorfinn, a young warrior on the verge of vengeance in a world ripped apart by conflict and political intrigue.

Source: MyAnimeList - Vinland Saga

The Irregular at Magic High School:

Tatsuya and Miyuki Shiba, siblings, enrol in First High School in a world where magic is accepted as a technology in order to learn how to deal with the challenges of magical academia and social hierarchies.

Source: Fandom - Irregular at Magic High School

Spice and Wolf:

"Spice and Wolf" is a delightful story that combines medieval fantasy and economics. It centres on the travels of Kraft Lawrence, a travelling merchant, and Holo, the wolf deity.

Source: Fandom - Spice and Wolf

My Own Dark Fantasy Realm

Hi there, fellow fans of dark fantasy! Thanks to your unflinching support, our blog—which is packed with tales and inspirations of dark fantasy—is making waves on TikTok, Pinterest, and YouTube. Even more thrilling is the fact that we're creating a captivating Trading Card Game to further engross you in Twilight Citadel's eerie mysteries. Explore the depths of the shadows with our website, where you can get eerie yet lovely phone wallpapers and posters. Furthermore, we've got you covered with free resources like desktop wallpapers and profile pictures to make sure your gadgets are brimming with eerie fantasy atmosphere. Come along with us on this surreal adventure, where fears come true and shadows dance. Are you prepared to welcome the gloom?

Conclusion

We've travelled through a variety of sub-genres in our investigation of medieval fantasy anime, learning about the distinct fusion of imagination and history that characterises this fascinating subgenre. Whether you're looking for a way to escape into magical worlds, high fantasy epics, isekai adventures, or historical fantasy blends, each series offers something different. Medieval fantasy anime has something to offer every anime fan, whether they are drawn to magical academies, epic battles, or slice-of-life moments in fantastical settings. Prepare yourself for a captivating journey as you explore the world of medieval fantasy anime, which is full of magic, knights, and mythological creatures.

[barokvanziekscumeater69]

a little vent/rant about mental health and body dysmorphia i guess

So, I'm in a kinda shitty place mentally right now, and I want to articulate my feelings somehow. I'm really struggling with my self-image and body, and not in a way that seems remotely good for me in the long run. When i was like 7 to until 13 years old, I was always a little chubby (like on the edge of being considered fat but still had a slim figure, I don't know how to properly describe this, but i've never practiced any kind of physical activity and had the worst eating habits, not in excess, but it was always in some shape or form, junk food). 

When I entered high-school at the age of 14, I was trying to reinvent myself from the classic nerdy guy image but just on hopeful thinking. Somehow it worked. Since I had to move schools and the new place had absolutely disgusting food, I simply chose to not eat from 7am to 12pm and have lunch at home as my first meal. 

Needless to say, I slimmed down quite a bit on my first year. And now at 21 I still have almost the same body at the beginning of high-school. I've also let my hair grow past the size I'd normally cut it and discovered that it curls at the points, paving a way to further play with my appearance. I’ve also started to care a little more about my self-image and stuff, I was still closeted as a gay boy, but I’ve never tried to make serious advances in anyone, since I still saw myself (and I still do, honestly) as the me from when I was 12: chubby, bullied, with an annoying personality and most important of all, insecure.

And now at college, I’m out of the closed and acting pretty much the way I want - with all the mannerisms that come with being queer in general, but still feeling pretty much below everyone on the social scale. I’ve only had two crushes in my life so far, only tried talking to one of them (which tanked my self-esteem even more than I’d thought it was possible) but never tried exploring myself beyond simple small talk.

My issue is, since I’ve become an adult, people started making simple compliments to my looks, be it my hair or my eyes. And my perception of myself started to shift a little. Whenever someone said I was thin, in all seriousness, I’d chuckle and just disregarded what they’ve just said because only I saw myself shirtless in the mirror. 

And now I stand face-to-face with adulthood without ever having the self-confidence to even kiss anyone (I’ve been to a college party once in which one guy tried to flirt with me, but I kinda ignored him because he was like, so bad at it, not to mention he tried to talk to me when I was a little angry with the loud music and stuff, which made me uncomfortable and unreceptive).

Honestly, I don’t know if I have the courage to be with someone. Like at all. I may have the little moments in which I enjoy myself or how I’m dressed, but all of this is destroyed whenever I’m faced with the opinion of others. It’s just so jarring on how it takes a lot for me to feel good (having to shower and style my hair in a way it hides my receding hairlines, even when it looks good all it takes is a gust of wind to rip my self-esteem into shreds).

We also have the question of working out. When am I going to do it? Tbh, the thing that triggered my anxiety this week was my former-not-kinda-but-still-so crush saying that he was too busy at the gym so he couldn’t answer my questions about pc building or whatever. And I was just speechless because, while I like him, he is kinda of a recluse nerd and is somehow more sedentary than I am. So hearing that was a shock. I didn’t take the fact that he is improving himself because I like having the comfort that, while I am a mess, there are people worse than me out there. 

I just wish my brain wasn’t playing games with me all the time. When I look at my torso in the mirror, I look like a pale bag of bones, thin to the point of disgust. But when I look down, all I can see is fat. And I don’t have the courage to just show up at a fitness center and work out. I always feel dislocated, out of place, stupid and that people will figure that I don’t belong there at all. 

The psychological help I’ve been trying to seek out these past few years didn’t help me much on my journey to self acceptance. I don’t want to sound rude or mean to the body positivity movement, but to me, accepting myself for who I am sounds like just accepting I’m horrendous and there’s nothing I can do about it. I still need to seek out a therapist again since I’ve stopped seeing mine since I stared my new job two months ago.

Just now I’ve remembered on how I feel alienated even among other gay/bi men since I don’t feel like myself most of the time. People aren’t always on their best days but they seem to hide it so well. I just feel stupid thinking of walking to someone to try and talk to them since I feel like a small rat most of the time. 

The thing that bothers me most is that I’m so fucking fragile mentally. It takes one bad line from one friend on a bad day or a wrong look in the mirror to make me feel like a sack of disgusting bones the rest of the day and I don’t know If i’ll ever recover and feel like a functioning human being someday. On the bright side, at least I know how to take care of my hair, except for my receding hairline, I have confidence it looks good. To me at least. And I guess that’s all that matters?

This was a very long winded post, and I haven’t properly put down everything I feel but I’m happy i put some stuff out there. If you managed to get to the end, I’d like to know your experiences with self worth and stuff if you feel comfortable sharing them (please don’t take this the wrong way, I don’t want reblogs or clout, I just want some other takes on the stuff I’m feeling since it’s hard for me to talk to people in real life about it).

See ya.

[rosadraws]

Hello all!!

It has come to my attention that I have gained some followers after my recent post regarding my Aladdin poster that I made. Sooooo I thought it would be good to introduce myself!

My name is Rosa, I am 17 (soon to be 18 on February 13th) and I LOVE Disney and ANYTHING related to villains (whether that be the Mexican-animated show Villainous, Disney Villains, etc).

Over the past year I have been trying to get out of my hiatus, but with issues happening in my personal life it has gotten very difficult to keep up with my hobbies as well as my social life, mental health, school, etc. HOWEVER, despite the fact that I will not be super active, I hope to kick into high gear whenever time and energy works in my favor. I already have some old drawings that I have yet to repost, and I have some drawings that are finished/near-finished that are almost ready to be posted!

After being on Twitter for many years (RIP Twitter, I shall never call you X), I feel comfortable enough to consider Tumblr one of my new home social media sites. I cannot wait to post more artwork in the future! And please, if you wanna dm me or chitchat my askbox and dms are always open (I may even take some requests if I fancy your offer👀)!

Here is my YouTube if anyone is interested! I will be posting more speedpaints in the future:

So excited to start my journey on here!

[riftdancing]

“By the gales, do my eyes deceive me or did the rat just drag in the Caracal?” A hushed voice whispered through opposite cell bars. Bated breath caught in the highlander woman’s chest as her rosy tanned cheeks pressed against the cool metal bars straining to get a better look at the ex-soldier who had been deposited roughly upon unforgiving metal floors like a sack of popotoes. Vaniro’s body was weak and her limbs limp, save for the slow fetal curl inwards as she willed herself to persist through the pain with an outward groan. “You look like shit, Nabel.” The cat hadn’t even so much as glanced in the Highlander’s direction as she spat some of her own blood across the cold steel floor. A greeting between sky pirates was a greeting nonetheless, no matter how sour. A cheeky laugh belonging to the playful highlander woman echoed in her direction from the cell next to her. “Aw, thanks puddin’. You’re as radiant as ever. They give you that shiner as a welcoming gift?” “Piss off.” Vaniro growled as the soldier turned prisoner pushed herself to her feet. She swayed uneasily as she began to find her footing. “Ooo, she’s eloquent too. Did they teach you that in finishing school, Love?” Nabel heckled her, genuinely happy to see a familiar face in such an unpleasant circumstance. Perhaps one she could consider an ally too. Gently, the woman brushed a brown curl out of her easy golden eyes. “It's good to see you.” The roughed up feline rolled one shoulder, giving the woman no more than a grunt in response as her shoulder gave a sickening crack of protest. “Have you been here long, Nabel?” The sentiment was not returned. “Long enough to watch them drag your sorry ass in, Vaniro.” Fight fire with fire, they say. “You can call me Gabby, you know.” “Tch.” Social interaction was already wearing on the introverted feline and the click of her tongue was enough to signal the end of conversation. Vaniro fell quiet as she collected herself, smoothed out her unkempt uniform, and turned that piercing gaze upon the cell which now contained her. There wasn’t a lot to it, not that it surprised her. Garlemald had a way about simplicities, in that the cell was just barely complex enough to sustain life and nothing more. An uncomfortable cot against the back wall, a shitter in the corner, and what might be a sink on the back side of it. Beyond that? Nothing.

“Man the last time I saw you I was watching the back end of the Elemental high tailing it over Skatay Range.” Gabby mused whimsically, reminiscing about Blink’s past as the soldier in question began looking for any weakness to her cage. “Successful run too.” Vaniro’s words came faintly, distracted, as she rattled cell bars seeing if there was any give. There wasn’t. In the cell next to her Gabby kicked her boots up against the wall getting settled upon her own uncomfortable cot as she indulged in the past. “Legendary I’ve heard.” “Tall tales.” Vaniro was quick to put the rumor to rest. “The gales that high should have ripped her to shreds, but I hear you got her out in one piece…” Vaniro froze, her body tensing as she ground pearly fangs against one another due to the unpleasant memory. “With weeks worth of repairs to boot.” It was her fault. The ship had barely made it over the ridge. But they had made it out. “Won’t you take a compliment, Captain?” Nabel purred with mirth. “I’m not your Captain.” Vaniro quipped heartlessly. “Nooo, of course not. You’re a soldier now aren’t ya? Joined up with the Empire, big ‘n bad. Really showed us.” A pause as Nabel’s playful nature decayed into disgust, causing her petite brow to twitch. Or was it disappointment? It was hard for Vaniro to discern. It brought the determined woman to a full stop. “If I’m an Imperial soldier then why the fuck would I be in here with you?” Heterochromic eyes locked onto the Highlander finally as Blink awaited her answer callously. “…Yeah, so what’d you do to piss ‘em off?” Gabby chuckled curiously. Silence filled the stale air between them for a moment before a small smirk cracked at the corner of Vaniro’s upturning lips. “Defected.” “Your luck run out then?” “If I blame everything on luck, I’ll never change anything.” “That’s some shit luck then, Mate.” Vaniro's ears pinned before she took a pointed step towards the bars which separated both the women. “You want out of here or not?” “Does a caged bird yearn to fly?” the Highlander ruminated. “Then get your ass up off that cot ‘n come help me.” Gabby immediately leapt to her feet. “Yes, Captain!” “I’m not your Captain.”

[aphmaurewrite]

Balto Anderson [Rewrite Overview]

Balto, the first character where I feel like I can properly share my thoughts/general plans for how my Mystreet rewrite is gonna work. With this rewrite, I really wanted to work on my own personal research and writing revolving real life issues since it’s based far more in the modern/current reality than Minecraft Diaries. 

Balto is one of the characters who, while not a major player in the overall story, has a story and past dealing with some of the rougher shit in life (not to say Aaron and Aphmau and others don’t, it’s just different types of shit) and so all that to say basically that I’m not someone who’s been through parts of Balto’s life, and if anyone has any comments/concerns/suggestions, that my DMs/ask box is always open for critique. I will always do the best I can to discuss issues with as much kindness and grace as I can and I’m always willing to learn if I fuck up anywhere :)!

CW // Drug abuse (not descriptive)

-He/Him [Cis]

-31

-Biracial [Black/White]

-Werewolf

-Straight

Balto’s early life isn’t super notable, but during his high school years he was sent to Falconclaw Military Academy due to destructive behavior, wherein he joined the football team. His bad behavior continued even after this, with his over-aggressive nature causing him to be targeted both in school and on the field. This constant targeting eventually led Balto to dealing with a spinal injury after pissing off another player, an injury that would leave him bed-ridden for a month and with severe chronic back pain following the recovery. Even despite his rough shape, Balto continued with the nasty attitude problems, and his parents quit trying, and instead told him to leave once he turned eighteen.

Homeless and still struggling with the severe chronic pain, Balto turned to abusing the pain medication he’d been prescribed to deal with both the pain and the stress of it all. He’d continue to bounce from place to place, unable to keep a job and constantly getting into fights. It wasn’t until he got into a fight that left him with a gnarly ripped ear and a couple of ugly wounds that Balto would be forced into a local treatment program. At first, he was completely unresponsive to it all, causing quite a headache for his social worker - until he met a woman named Kiki. Kiki was a vet and the owner of the local animal shelter, a place known to hire people struggling to get on their feet. While working with Kiki, Balto was touched by her kindness, and it was due to that and everything that had happened prior that he started on his real path to recovery. 

Even after getting clean, Balto continued to work with Kiki, insisting on it to “keep her safe” as she often worked late at the shelter by herself and Balto wanted to do everything he could to return that kindness.

[burntoasters]

K soooooooo….

I start a new bar job on Thursday and I….

I don’t know how I feel about.

I mean I NEED the money. My current job is a “farm” that’s not even a farm it’s just a family owned business in someone’s backyard who doesn’t know how to run a business. My days keep getting cut and even though I’m technically the manager, communication is the biggest issue and I am always the last person to know about important things like delivery trucks or trucks that need to be loaded.

My roommate works at the bar and she helped me get the job. And I won’t be working without her at least the first few weeks. And I’ve met the manager and been there a few times so it’s not a new place.

Im just… I can’t tell if this is a manic decision or not? If that makes any fucking sense.

The past week I’ve just felt… weird. I can’t tell if it’s a manic episode or not. Im not doing anything I wouldn’t normally do or making dumb decisions, other than jumping on the bar job.

I think maybe it’s cause I just went for it without thinking it over. And by thinking it over I mean over thinking until I get so much anxiety about it that it makes me physically sick, which I do with most decisions in my life. Hence why I’ve been stuck at the farm job for over two years.

I worry I’m gonna be awkward at first but I just gotta rip the bandaid off. I need to be more social because sitting in my room and rotting in my depression is going to kill me if I don’t do something.

Im also coming up on my 23rd birthday in April which is just… insane.

For somebody who wasn’t supposed to even graduate high school, I never expected to make it to 23. And it’s not like a normal milestone for people like 18 or 21 is. But for me, I never expected to even MAKE IT this far so it just… it’s weird.

Cause on one hand, holy shit I’m gonna be 23!

But on the other…

Holy fuck I’m still here….

[playingplayer2]

Trying to be introspective and I honestly just send myself spiraling. Spiraling where? No idea, just spiraling.

Definitely spiraling lmao

Like, I've dated before. I also spent nine months third wheeling two of my best friends when they dated and then the few weeks before school started again attached at the hip (the divorce was awkward but it took like a week before the three of us went back to relative normal?? we were in high school and we basically spent like, all of our time hanging out w/ just us three) and while it definitely wasn't romantic, very platonic between me and them, it was infinitely more comfortable and functional(?) than any other relationship I've been in before and since then.

(honestly went on better dates w/ them than I've gone w/ any of my bfs or gfs.......... Aish. Well. Eh, had a couple nice actual dates w/ past partners who... Hn.)

Ironically that was around the time when I started to prefer hearing/reading about other people's relationships and becoming curious about polyamory. So. Hm.

I'm well aware that I do have an actual interest in romantic and sexual partners, each to their own fluctuating degrees. I'm also keenly aware of my own personal issues, half my life in therapy said a lot, didn't fix, heal, or help much.

Would probably rather watch (hypothetical) partners than actively participate in most things, sexual or otherwise. I'm both stupidly touch starved and touch averse, and frankly almost worked myself into an anxiety attack last night releasing- rather putting into coherent thoughts- that I expect touch to hurt and, masochistic preferences aside, I fucking hate that.

Also a firm believer in not using your partner to fix yourself and I'm fuuuuucked in the head in some ways lol. Not nearly as nice as my friends say I am either. Mean streak 100 miles wide, I just actively work to not be cruel. Emotionally stunted with more intellectual emotional intelligence than empathy. Blunter than most people like, with an unfortunate side habit of not saying anything at all if I think my opinion would be poorly received. Trust issues almost 23 years in the making and anxious attachment shit. Would rather cook someone a meal than say "I love you." Enough baggage a cargo plane would struggle.

Would probably be happier as a couple's third who gets to take care of them in materialistic and domestic ways more than anything. Granted I'm broke asf, disabled in a way that makes working difficult, and kinda permanently stitched to my dysfunctional family. So. Hhhn. Driest texter in the universe too. Fucking suck at talking. All hn hm mh mm and shit instead of actual words because I don't know how to fucking talk to people at all.

Don't even know how to figure this shit out with the - hello yes it's still a problem, getting worse by the day, folks - ongoing fucking global pandemic fucking shit over in addition to my isolationist tendencies, because it's better to rip away like fucking velcro than to get burned again in my books, spent enough time alone and enough times where people stabbed me in the back to know which I'd pick.

Idk. Maybe I'm just lonely and spiraling because my social battery's been dead for like 3 years now because I haven't gone out with people since everyone else started to abandon masking and treating me like I was absolutely nutters for still masking. And I've always leaned towards being an antisocial, isolating, catastrophizing, pessimist at heart no matter how extroverted I am.

Idk.

[deerblossoms]

i’m deeply fucking cursed. every pen i’ve journaled with in the past month has died. i JUST bought a new pen, used it once, and it’s already dead the next day. what the fuck??????!? like at first, when this started happening, i was joking about a silly little pen curse during the retrograde. now i think it’s me. this used to happen when i was in high school, too. when i was journaling all the time back then. so fucking weird.

kayla and i are on a week and a half break, not talking until the 18th or 20th or so, and it feels okay on my end. i’ve noticed i’ve completely stopped stressing about the relationship. but i’ve also noticed nobody texts me. kinda sucks! really sucks. i’m trying desperately to find people to go see challengers again with and nobody has the time. jack moves back today, finished their first year of college and i’m so proud of them. they’ll be closer next year which will be great. i am making a quick note here to say i’m soooo over the gabby luna sitch that i don’t even feel like writing about it. detaching myself. other people’s lives aren’t my own. and i certainly don’t need to worry about the lives of people who can’t even text me more than once every few months. jesus!

i don’t know. i feel so weird today. i couldn’t get myself up and at em today and spent all morning doomscrolling and watching SATC. yesterday i came home before leaving for work, sat down on the couch to catch my breath, and immediately started crying. couldn’t even figure out why. still don’t know! i’m not doing amazing, i don’t think. i was for a moment, when the cherry blossoms were out, but now i don’t know what to do with myself. i have the day off and i have no clue how to spend it. i might spend it watching tv all day, which i kind of want to do. could watch eternal sunshine and the social network and binge SATC. maybe i’ll put the footage i captured onto my computer. i need editing software so i can do something with it, though. lol! i did just get paid so i could shell out for FCP but i feel as though that’s unwise. is it? i have no clue. i guess maybe i need to just accept the loneliness i’m feeling, embrace it, stop trying to fill it or replace it. stop keeping myself busy and just be lonely, keep my own company. watch a lot of tv.

it’s funny how little i care about something after its time has passed. i was so excited to go see the barbie movie and then i didn’t, and now i doubt i’ll ever watch it. i have no wish to. i finally realized luna and i would never be real friends the way things stand right now, so i’ve stopped caring. javi doesn’t text me so i don’t text him anymore. everything comes and goes. once i know someone’s not interested in me i lose my crush on them completely. i forget about everything, and once i forget, it stops mattering even after i remember. this is actually a conversation i should be having in therapy because i can hear myself kinda spouting BS a little but i’m not sure how to call it on my own. high school was so awful and now it’s a million years ago. everything passes. life is a river and you never see the same wave twice. it’s probably not good for me that i haven’t written poetry in so long. though i remember i used to always say it was a “bad sign if i was writing poetry again”. truth is though, if i’m doing badly i should be writing about it. i’m trying to convince myself to start making art again. fill up my sketchbook with whatever. rip myself from my phone and put my anxious energy into my art. whatever that art is. i just feel so pathetic lately. so nothing. i feel like i could melt away and i would be as much use to the world as a puddle. sometimes i feel like i’m just here to entertain everyone else and i’m not living for myself. everyone loves me, everyone cares about me, everyone’s happy to see me, but nobody wants to spend time with me. nobody reaches out unless i reach my hand out first. nobody even has the time to go to a fucking movie with me. i’m just the eternal manic pixie dream girl. kayla reaches out, i guess. but that’s something else. we don’t have anything to say to each other. when i’m with her i don’t have any passions or dreams or aspirations. i’m just a body next to hers. old wise man with a guiding light when she needs it. and it doesn’t feel good, and it’s not her fault. it’s completely inexplicable.

anyway i’m sad. obviously LOL this is such a depressive pessimistic entry. i’m trying to quit biting my cuticles and i’m not doing well at it. i keep forgetting until i’ve already got the skin half-ripped between my teeth. and by then, might as well. i’m so over begging for company. people can come to me. people can make plans with me. people can do that or i can do things on my own, like always. maybe i want to be alone because i know every book and therapist and person will tell me this is an awful plan. no good to stop trying with other people. but i want to. i’m tired of trying. and i know i’m loved, i know i’m cared about. i’ve just started to feel like a monkey with cymbals in their hands. everyone’s off doing something important with their life, going somewhere, working towards something, caring and living and i’m the little kid on the couch, just waiting till they come home. i don’t feel like my own person anymore. i keep checking my messages, obsessively, looking for that little red dot. WHAT ever. it’s cold out and i finished my coffee and i feel very small.

[thenetvvork]

(cross posting to our DreamWidth)

Lately (last night and today) the subject came up of what was here before The Network. Memories are fuzzy because it deals with us before the age of 9 (so before 2004. 20 years ago and back). Plus it's one of those personal history things that isn't necessarily about accuracy in a historical sense. It's more of a story in the way people tell stories of their histories. Like a myth or folk story. Like somewhere right in the middle of all that. (There is no concrete physical proof from our childhood for this that we know of so it's hard track)

We've talked about this before but The Network has been a social identity. Right now it functions as shorthand for every more than one experience in this body because we're all in The Network. But what if someone (besides Mew) from before that identity solidified came back somehow? There were a few different things going on.

There were The Hordes which were all fictives from the Redwall series. So theoretically, they're the same as us. Fictives. And there was a lot of overlap between both groups, especially early on but even up through high school. I think it's probably good we "won out" against the Hordes in that I really think the way we work allows us to be more grounded in the present moment in this reality. I think for that to happen with the Hordes a real world view shift would have had to happen, a bigger one than any that would have happened with us.

Also within that timeframe we had other fictives too. But they were more few and far between and before The Network so since they weren't in the Hordes they just free floated rip Chester you would have hated The Network. Probably. I didnt ever know you but I think Megan might have

And before that, or maybe at around the same time (see it's hard to track with two fuzzy memories and a paperclip and the memories don't show overlap but logically they had to because past time is finite) we had factives - a completely different type of gain and working than us as fictives. And the only clue to them being factives and not Mew just imagining things is a very specific memory during a summer break where he was trying to ignore them because he thought hey maybe it's weird and time consuming to have imaginary talks with fictional characters people I know from school and writing camp and daycare. Maybe I shouldn't imagine tragedy beset upon their families and then they have to live with me and my family and I see them everyday (we were a lonely child who had attachment issues). And it worked for (in his mind) a month (but given how long time is for a kid probably a lot less than that) but they came back unbidden and Mew was happy to see them again. (To be clear he had also done this same mental process with us a few times but we just. Refused to play along.)

The Hordes truly stopped showing up when we moved out of our parents house and into college in another state. They lived in our parents backyard. They don't show back up when we visit.

The factives, well.... I don't know. I truly never met them. Mew grew out of it I guess. Probably when we were separated from the person they were sourced from for long enough they faded. Megan doesn't seem sure when I ask her when and if that overlap would have been. For one of them it would have to be 1st grade-5th (1st grade being when we met the boy, end of 5th when we stopped going to day care), so ages 5-10? Another was a girl who was in a writing camp with us, so probably also elementary school age. I don't know if it would be before the 4th grade though (that's when The Network solidified). There might have been more. Or the memory is conflating the factives and the fictives. Either the free floating ones or the Hordes.

And to Mew, these are completely different sections of his life. No overlap in his mind. Except the timelines overlap and I know people in The Network talked to people in the Hordes. I was there for that overlap. So his weird perspective isn't helping

.

.

.

All of this to build up to the idea/joke that The Network is built on top of the factives. On top like they're in headmate hell? On top like how a building is built on another building? On top like those new tubs you just lay over the old one? On top like literally if we literally dig down with our hands we'll find them? We just don't know lol

This discussion also alienates Mew as a Network member. The Network kind of solidified Around him. He's the "original" so whoever "won out", he would still be around in whatever fashion. Of course we're all quite happy with him here as he is now but he would be here regardless. Like a force of nature

[clarydesign2023]

My 20 Elements (for the poster)

My bedroom Wall. 

My bedroom wall is a collection of New Zealand artwork that I had ripped out of magazines and brochures to serve as inspiration. I make my art in my bedroom, constantly looking at the walls to get ideas and motivate myself. Physical, tactile inspiration images often stay in my memories for longer and make more of an impact than images on a computer screen.

My collage work (2023).

Collage is a medium that I have been heavily working with since my high school days, as my art teachers would provide me with an enormous resource library of magazines and newspapers in my spare class time. I prefer to use collage to create abstract scenes and landscapes - this one is of a battle between two monsters destroying a city. 

Hannah Hoch.

Hannah Hoch is a German Dada artist who primarily used collage to create works about political and social issues. Her work is very inspirational to me and connects with me deeply as we are both German female artists. My mother showed me Hoch’s work when I was a teenager and have been making collage work ever since. 

Barbie: Her Life and times. 

Barbie: Her life and times by jewellery designer Billy Boy is a book that was given to me by my mother when I was a Barbie obsessed child. The book, which focuses on the designs and history of Barbie’s outfits is what introduced me to and made me fall in love with fashion design at a young age. 

Grimes’  Visions.

This electronic album is the perfect background music for when I’m creating art. Since I first heard it in high school, I often have phases of listening to it on repeat for multiple weeks when I’m working on projects because of its calm, ambient nature. It’s no surprise that the songs from this album always land in my top 5 songs for Spotify Wrapped. 

Tate Modern’s Pop Life.

The Tate Modern put on a pop art exhibition in 2010 that completely changed my life as a creative when I visited it as it inspired me to be more creative and free with my art making and introduced me to great pop artists such as Andy Warhol and Takashi Murakami. I have this book from the exhibition that I often go back to and read when I need inspiration for my artwork. 

Celebrity Tabloid.

As a child I was obsessed with reading gossip magazines and watching celebrity news. The way that celebrities are objectified and exploited by the media is a common topic in my artwork as I feel that the damage that tabloids do to women’s collective mental health is something that needs to be talked about. 

Personal Logotype/Tag.

I developed this personal logotype this year to be used as a signature on my artwork. It is my nickname written in graffiti bubble letters and a cat’s face incorporated into the word as cats are my favourite animal and I thought incorporating this would be a fun and playful touch. 

Personal Pictorial Logo.

I illustrated this face in 2021 to appear in my artwork and self promotional materials. I have screenprinted this face on to shirts and often post variations of this face to my social media accounts. I believe it is important to have at least one image that is memorable to be attached to my “brand” as a creative. 

Digital Camera. 

This digital camera was gifted to me when I was 9 years old and I pretty much take it with me everywhere I go. I believe that photos taken on my digital camera are more special than my iPhone camera because I have captured memories from the past 11 years of my life on this camera.

Manga.

Manga is a huge inspiration to my work, as I have been interested in japanese art since 2010 when I saw Takashi Murakami’s work in the Pop Life exhibition. This series in particular, Tokyo Ghoul, was the first physical manga I ever bought and I taught myself how to draw in the manga art style by copying the panels. 

Feline Companion.

Gingy is the cat who lives at my flat. She often sits in bed watching me make art and has a very calming presence in my life. I have always had a special connection with cats and find that their calm nature has a positive impact on my mental health and state of mind when I’m stressed about creative deadlines.

Wacom Intuos.

The Wacom Intuos drawing tablet is my artistic weapon of choice. Digital illustration has been my primary medium ever since I was gifted my Wacom as a teenager. As long as my Wacom works, I don’t see myself getting an iPad for illustration as I love how easy it is to use and how natural it feels to draw with it.

Sketchbook.

My sketchbook is my secondary weapon of choice after the Wacom. I have made it a goal to buy at least 1 good quality sketchbook a year and fill the entire book out with illustrations within the year to keep my tangible illustration skills up to scratch. I like to use good quality sketchbooks as I can also incorporate acrylic and watercolour painting in my illustrations. 

ZKM Karlsruhe.

ZKM/The Center for Art and Media is the art gallery in my hometown of Karlsruhe, Germany. Every time I visit there, I have to go to ZKM as it has an incredible collection of digital and electronic art and moving image and It is a great way for me to research contemporary art. 

Edgar Degas. When I was a child, one of my favourite books was a picture book about The Impressionists and their work. As I was a child who took ballet, Edgar Degas was my favourite Impressionist and his ballet dancers inspired me to learn how to draw human anatomy which greatly developed my art skills. 

Takashi Murakami. Takashi Murakami, and his 1997 sculpture Hiropon was the most memorable artwork in the Tate Gallery’s Pop Life exhibition. This sculpture and the rest of his work from the exhibition introduced me to the world of Japanese art and design and I don’t think my work would be as playful, experimental, colourful and fun if I didn’t get to be introduced to his artwork at that time. 

My original character (2023). This is a recent digital illustration of my original character named Destinee Foxx. This character is based off celebrities that were written about in tabloids such as Britney Spears, Lindsay Lohan and Pamela Anderson. I often like to draw her in powerful poses or holding weapons as a symbol of female strength and power.

My original character (2020). Pictured is my first painting of Destinee Foxx in 2020, when I was starting to become heavily interested in feminism and the media’s treatment of women. Making this painting is a special memory for me as my girl friends and I sat in a circle around a giant canvas and collaborated on a collective painting, and Destinee was my contribution. 

My digital artwork (2022). This artwork was one of the first works that I ever sold. I put it into an exhibition and put it up for sale for $300. I sold it as a painting, but I made a digital version of it so I could keep it forever as I was very proud of myself for creating artwork that somebody would want to purchase. 

[seravphs]

I caught a moment to catch up with DDAO :)

"You leave a piece of yourself behind every time a child cries." rip mc...my beloved...I need Yaga to get on introducing therapy to Jujutsu High ASAP 😭

"It’s reaching that time of year you feel the most lethargic, where people and time pass by you in a blur. In the spring you’ll wake up fully, and it’ll the cold will have faded like a bad dream." Off-topic but I'm so sad summer is ending! Also rip mc please google seasonal depression for me thanks babe

Rip mc makes me so so sad with her willingness to prioritize others but not herself. She got up instantly when she was worried that Shoko was cold but she wouldn't do the same for herself and it's so heartbreaking to see.

I hate to see rip mc isolate herself even further from the world. I think this year of my life in particular has taught me about how quickly time runs - and runs out, in particular. Entire weeks disappearing of her life...where she's alone...I'm deeply worried. So often throughout DDAO I want to reach into that universe and wrap my arm around rip mc.

This is a HUGE tangent lmao skip the next paragraph to ignore me talking to myself

Rip mc isn't even catholic (afaik) 😭 but she's so self flagellating. I think part of the reason rip mc makes me so sad is she reminds me a lot of high school. It's such a deeply (often specifically teenage) girl mindset to punish yourself for your desires. This is not that relevant to DDAO but there's something painfully resonant about the way rip mc is going about this. Tbf rip mc is (in her own opinion because stsg are morons and terrible at communicating) a homewrecker so it isn't THAT applicable BUT in general it just feels like looking into my own past to see rip mc take on the weight of a literal apocalypse, her world collapsing, and blame herself for it. I read something once which I wish I could find again about how Jesus could never be a woman because female suffering isn't subversive, it's expected. Suguru was there! Suguru was very much in control of his own actions in that moment! But rip mc is laying the price of destruction at the feet of her greed and it makes me so miserable :( I feel like so often women are socially conditioned to want less, to be less greedy. Bitter over this forever.

Back to DDAO

LMAO SHOKO she's so real I love her. I'm also very pragmatic so I feel like that's how I would react. I think Shoko is my self-insert in DDAO haha: takes care of rip mc and is the voice of reason.

We know so little about Mimiko and Nanako, it's nice to imagine a world where they get to grow up as normally as they can. With friends, teachers, a social life etc. God. Life gets better, don't read JJK lmaooo not a single person (worth caring about) in this damned series is happy.

Something I really like about DDAO is how it's like JJK, since it's canon-adjacent, but also how much I feel like I'm talking with my friends about her toxic situationships like I really am watching rip mc interact with stsg with the fond horror of two girls sitting across from each other in a restaurant booth recounting what happened last week in their lives.

Megumi is such a good kid.

I can't seem to remember rip mc liking sweets. Maybe it was just a random choice but since she just saw Gojo, I also can't help but wonder if she bought one because of him.

HE'S SUCH A GOOD KID.

I think I've talked about this before, but I feel so strange about aging. I don't mean this in the conventional spoon fed aging propaganda sense because I'm not afraid of wrinkles/etc. It's more that recently, I've become so aware of the concept of 'youth' - and the fact that I'm losing it. At some point last year, I turned eighteen, and this year, nineteen, then the year after that, I'll turn twenty - how did I get so far from four and six and eight? What happened? It's terribly beautiful and beautifully terrible because change is inevitable and yet so scary. I'm evolving with the world, or perhaps it's evolving with me, but I'm at a loss for how to react to that.

Rip mc's monologue about returning to a place she knew with the sudden awareness of her lack of being a child really hit home. Many things I've loved are memories now. I loved stars, too. I miss my mom and dad, too. And no matter how much I miss them (my parents are alive I just spent my first year away from them at college lol), I can't go back to the past! I can scream and cry and beg but I can never, ever go back.

Both rip mc and I are going to have to learn to be okay with that. Somehow. Wow. If I keep relating to rip mc I will consider seeking professional help. Thanks Morgan!

Megumi's such a good kid, it makes me endlessly sad and happy. Nothing like Fushiguro Toji made me laugh, though. I think that would've made Toji happy too.

I can't stand stsg. They're so evil 😭. Stsg and rip mc really are such a dynamic because she's weak to their advances specifically. Like who else are they trying this on that it would work? Just her. Poor baby.

stsg being shocked by how easy it was to get rip mc to agree made me laugh.

One day I will see rip mc develop some sense of self worth. One day. I know it'll happen. DDAO chapter 289. I'll be there and I'll be celebrating with champagne.

The realization that the mission that traumatized rip mc so badly was just a grade 2 mission made me physically flinch. I'm really bouncing between jjk canon and 'girl he said WHAT' and it's so good. Whiplash between stsg being assholes per usual and fuck, I forgot that these are child soldiers who somehow made it to adulthood - with all the baggage of being child soldiers.

I should get used to rip mc pulling away from people who want to take care of her but I never do. JJK never goes into detail with how horribly traumatic the lives of sorcerers actually are. Gojo didn't blink in reaction to some of his oldest friends dying. It feels so good, even if it's so horribly sad, to get that experience with rip mc and see how this life of blood and curses has affected her.

Sorry I actually DO love that Gojo is feeding rip mc lmaooo. I got so excited to read that scene. He's terrible and it's so fun! Kiss tax hahaha. Love him. I actually think Gojo wouldn't like my personality irl because he's a terrible bully but I would play along too well and he wouldn't get the reactions he wanted. I think I’d actually get along better with literally anyone else haha

This one made me really introspective and moody. It might be the end of a season affecting me. Either way, it was incredible per usual. Hope you're enjoying Japan and having lots of fun!

dog days are over | chapter five

pairing: gojo satoru x fem!reader x geto suguru warnings/tags (for this chapter): mentions of virginity loss, threesomes, depression (the holy trinity lmfao), birth control, full on dissociative panic attack but not in detail, obligatory stsg warning. also cheating mention (but not really gojo is just jealous and geto likes the attention. they gaslight each other for fun btw) word count: ~9.2k

fic masterlist read on ao3

The nightmares start after Nagoya.

You wake up bleary eyed and distinctly worn out, with a heaviness in your chest that you carry with you. It only gets heavier.

The auxiliary manager you worked with promised to share any more relevant information with you about the case. You should have left it at that.

It becomes harder to stay uninvolved in your assignments, you're beginning to find, especially when innocent lives are taken.

You leave a piece of yourself behind every time a child cries.

You sit up from your bed and glance at the clock above the doorway. 11:54 AM. Light streams in from your windows, and you close your eyes in the temporary warmth before it fades, leaving your room cold. Outside, the trees are barren and the overcast is gray in preparation for the upcoming winter. It’s reaching that time of year you feel the most lethargic, where people and time pass by you in a blur. In the spring you’ll wake up fully, and it’ll the cold will have faded like a bad dream. 

It's almost Satoru's birthday.

It’s cold. You feel goosebumps form on your arms. It occurs to you that you may have forgotten to turn on the heat in your apartment. Central heat. A rare luxury in these types of apartments. But you don’t want to leave the warmth of your bed, so you lie back down and curl into your bed.

Just as you’re about to succumb back to temporary emptiness, the door to your bedroom is thrown open. You wince as the door slams into the wall, raising your head.

“Something happened,” Shoko says plainly, crossing her arms. “I hope you haven’t been hiding from me on purpose.” 

You don’t recall giving Shoko a key. But you must have, if she’s inside of your apartment. Guilt churns in your stomach. You’ve been avoiding not just her, but Satoru and Suguru. You’re unsure of how to act around them anymore. You don’t know how much you can tell her. How much you should.

Then she lightly frowns. “Why is it so cold in here?”

You sit up, worried the cold might be bothering her. “Let me turn on the heat.”

Before you can stand, she waves you off, taking off her coat and lazily throwing it on a nearby chair. “Forget that,” she sighs, walking over to your bed and motioning you over. “Move over.”

You wordlessly comply, scooting to the far end of the bed as she settles next to you, lifting the covers over her body. 

The two of you look at each other, at the opposite ends of your pillow, sharing your comforter. At the warmth of her body, you almost close your eyes. You think if you fell asleep now, no nightmares would come to you.

“Shoko,” you say quietly. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to ignore you.”

But you had. Days passed in a blur. You didn’t give much thought to it, devoting all your efforts to routine. Luckily, there were no assignments after Nagoya. This bitter winter is a slow season for curses. You went from your apartment to Tokyo University and back, buried yourself in your studies, and blocked out the world. You hadn’t meant to. You kept on telling yourself you’d reply to that text, that you’d show your face again, that you’d pretend everything was alright even though it wasn’t. Now you’ve caused Shoko undue worry.

She simply looks at you. “Something happened at the party, didn’t it?”

You think of Satoru. Then Suguru. It’s the most you’ve thought about them in weeks. You don’t want to think about them because the longer you do, the more your thoughts stray in ways it shouldn’t.

You pull your covers up to your chin, troubled, and your silence speaking volumes. She softens. 

“Never mind. I’m not here to force you to talk,” she pauses. “But if something happened. Something you didn’t want , then I want you to tell me.” She exhales. “Even if it’s Satoru and Suguru. Especially if it’s those two.”

It wasn’t…They didn’t…They…

You’re conflicted. “They wouldn’t…” you trail off weakly.

She looks at you blankly.

“It…”

You bury your face into your comforter. You don’t have the words to explain. It’s okay, you want to tell her. You’re more worried about Satoru and Suguru’s relationship than anything else. They’re arguing about something, you want to tell her, and engaging in acts with you you know they’ll regret. You’ve never cared much for what they do with you. You’d do anything, give them everything if they asked. If she asked. You lower the blanket.

She eyes you, suspicion lining her face. “Did they—”

“No,” you blurt out before she can finish. “Yes. Maybe.” You hesitate. “It wasn’t…”

Bad.

It feels like an admission of guilt. It felt so good it was horrible. You shouldn’t have enjoyed it. You shouldn’t have succumbed to the pleasure, not when the future of Satoru and Suguru’s relationship hung in the balance. It’s your fault, you think once again. The world is collapsing on top of you, and you can’t help but think it’s punishment for your existence. For taking more than you should have.

“Are you on birth control?”

You stare at her. “What?”

“Birth control,” she repeats, deathly serious. She rises from the bed. “I should get you started now—”

You reach for her delicate wrist, stopping her. “It’s not like that!” Your face warms with embarrassment. “I promise, it’s not like that.”

It's not that serious, you're sure. Even the thought gives you pause, makes you apprehensively embarrassed. It's not...like that. 

Luckily, it’s something you don’t have to worry or think about. 

“...If you say so.” She says, not believing you in the slightest. She retakes her position on the bed. “So,” she says after a pause. “Shirokami visited the infirmary.”

Right. You forgot Hideo had gone and introduced himself to Shoko.

Your stomach flutters, nervous. “Did you like him?”

“I did,” she replies. “He’s…” a thoughtful pause. “Nice. A country boy.” A wry smile. “Nothing like those two. At all. It’s refreshing, actually.”

Relief. You suppose he did grow up in the countryside, so it’s not too far off from the mark. As for being like Satoru or Suguru…

You resolve not to be hurt. The two of them are under no obligation to meet anyone. You won’t be hurt. 

“He made it seem like the two of you are close friends.”

You’re sure he’s just being polite. Hideo is nice like that. Nonetheless, it makes you a bit happy to hear you made an impression on him. That he thinks of you fondly. He considers you a friend. Maybe there’s hope for you after all.

The comforter is warm with the shared heat of your bodies. Sleep calls out to you.

“He…scares me a little,” you say quietly. Hideo reminds you of a part of your life you don’t like to revisit. He makes you feel like a child again, afraid to be alone. “There’s a lot I don’t like to remember…about…back then. But I’m glad I met him again.”

“I see,” she says, smiling. “Then me too. I’m glad the two of you found each other again.”

You blink drowsily, smiling back at her. Shoko’s face is the last thing you see before heaviness drags your eyelids to darkness.

—

When you wake up, you are pleasantly revitalized and a little more alert. Shoko is gone, but there’s takeout on your kitchen counter. You take a bite of the Vietnamese noodles and realize that your taste buds have somewhat returned. You eat the entire meal, full for the first time in what seems like months.

You reply to a text from Hideo about the crowd at Shibuya crossing, smiling at the litany of exclamation points accompanying by his texts. You realize Megumi texted you earlier, about when you’d be coming by again and another pang of guilt hits you. You’ve been neglecting the kids too, lately. You wouldn't survive Mimiko and Nanako's wide eyes, gazing up at you, pleading at you to stay with them.

It’s six now, and the sky is pitch black. You know for a fact that Suguru and Satoru won’t be at the apartment until later. Yaga-sensei had mentioned Gakuganji visiting Tokyo accompanied by several other clan members for some annual conference. You didn’t pay attention to the details.

You…could visit. Suguru would have already fed the kids by now. Maybe you could take Megumi and the girls out for dessert. Or order something to the apartment. You feel lighter at the thought. Spending time with the kids always made you feel better. It’s something you can do, as small as it is. Small things.

Small steps.

You change and you’re out the door shortly. It doesn’t take you long to reach the apartment, greet the doorman, and take the elevator up. You knock. A few minutes later, the door swings opens, revealing Megumi.

“Hi,” you say brightly. “Have you been well?”

“Fine.” He lets you in. “Don’t you have a key?”

You laugh, still a bit breathless from the cold as you hang your coat up. “It doesn’t feel right to use it. I’m still a guest after all.”

Megumi doesn’t respond to that as the two of you enter the living room. It’s unusually quiet. “Where are the girls?”

“Mimiko and Nanako are with their friends. Tsumiki stayed after school for club.”

Just a couple of years ago, the thought of Mimiko and Nanako willingly spending time out of the apartment would have been a surprise. The two of them had been so recalcitrant about attending school. Suguru wanted to keep them homeschooled while Satoru thought putting them in school would be the best way to ease them out of their shell. It had taken time and patience, with several bad days, but eventually the two warmed up to their teachers and fellow classmates, Nanako especially. And where Nanako went, Mimiko always followed.

Mimiko had flowered into a sociable butterfly following her reintegration into society. It makes you happy to know that the two are alright now, so readily available to spend time with their friends.

“Just me and you, huh.” Megumi wouldn’t leave you though. Not yet. “Have you eaten?”

“Yeah,” he states. “Earlier. I was just finishing my homework.”

You glance at the kitchen counter, finding Megumi’s homework spread around. “You don’t usually do your homework outside your room.”

“It’s quiet with everyone gone,” he says bluntly. 

You smile, taking a seat as Megumi slides in next to you. He resumes his homework, and you let him carry on, helping him when he asks, simply content to watch. A few pauses during this science homework which you help him through easily. He glides through his English homework, and you feel unnaturally proud of him as you proofread his work.

It doesn’t take him long to finish. Soon, he’s gathering his homework up and packing it into his backpack.

“I was thinking,” you start. You hear the door open in the distance. It must be the girls. Perfect timing. “That we could all go out for—”

You turn, every hair on your body rising in panic.

“Sato—s’guru,” you blurt out, frozen. “What are you guys doing back so early?” Your question comes out more accusative than you intended. Of course they could come back as early as they wanted. It was their home after all. You were the interloper. 

It’s just..

You thought that you’d have a little longer!

The two of them look at you. You shift uncomfortably, gaze bouncing from them to the floor to the wall behind to anything else. You’re a little more aware of the heat of their gazes on you, pinning you to the spot. Your collar feels warm, nerves jumping beneath your skin.

“The meeting ended early,” Suguru says amicably, smiling at you in a way that would be reassuring at any other given moment. “Satoru didn’t want to stick around.”

Satoru is oddly quiet, gazing at you. Even with his sunglasses on, you feel the weight of it, that prickle that tells you he’s focusing his attention on you. Your bottom lip twinges. You are determined not to meet his gaze. Or hold Suguru’s for too long.

Satoru cocks his head to the side. “You staying over?”

You think it’s Satoru’s way of telling you to leave. That you’ve outstayed your welcome. Suguru is too nice to say it outright.

“No,” you say, voice thin, throat growing thick. “I’m leaving now.”

“Can we talk?” Suguru asks quietly after murmuring your name. He gazes at you.

That’s the last thing you want. To be alone with the two of them. You don’t want to hear what they have to say. You want to imagine things to be okay, just for a little longer. Until you can’t.

“I’m sorry!” You say suddenly, antsy, hit by a sudden need to justify your presence at their home. You hope Megumi forgives you for the lie you’re about to tell. You glance down at him. “I just came over because Megumi needed school supplies!”

There’s a long silence.

A shadow of a twitch of an eyebrow falls over Satoru's face. "Since when does Megumi need school supplies?”

Suguru watches you carefully. 

Your face burns in silent shame. You stare at the floor, feeling horrible. 

“Since today,” Megumi returns testily. “We’ll be going now.”

Satoru looks mortally offended.

Megumi takes your hand and walks you out while you can't bring yourself to lift your head.

Outside, you bury your face into your knees. “Sorry,” you mumble. “Just give me a few…”

You squeeze your eyes shut and take a shuddering breath while your heart races in your ears.

“Are Satoru and Suguru okay?” You suddenly ask Megumi, who stays silent next to you. “Any issues?”

“They’re the same as ever,” Megumi says tonelessly, but his face is softer in its worry.

You smile. “I’m fine,” you tell him reassuringly.

He's right. If anything, at least the two of them don’t seem to be fighting. Not like they were during the wedding. But you still don’t think you can go back in there, and now you’ve forced Megumi out of the apartment.

You feel a mixture of guilt and horrible, horrible dread slowly spreading through you.

“I’m sorry,” you whisper. “I shouldn’t have come. You probably don’t want to be out this late—”

“I don’t mind,” Megumi says. “I was going to take a walk anyway.”

That brings a small smile to your face. “It’s a bit late to take a walk, don’t you think?”

He shrugs. You feel a bit better at the fact that he’s not bothered at your impromptu outing. Rising, you take his hand once more. “Then let’s walk.”

You and Megumi walk around the neighborhood. The streets are dark, illuminated by streetlights in the mostly residential area. Other than the occasional dog walking passerby, the two of you walk in comfortable silence. Until the two of you find yourself all the way in Shibuya with its bright lights and noise. It’s easy to get lost in the lights of Tokyo’s busy nightlife. Throngs of people pass you by as you meander, following the crowd, with no particular destination in mind.

The two of you stop by a 7-11 tucked a bit further away from the bustle. You buy yourself a strawberry daifuku and ask Megumi if he wants anything. He isn’t hungry, so you buy him green tea.

More aimless walking takes you to Sakuragaokachō, away from the crowd. Streetlights and dark buildings greet you, but something about the area looks familiar. Nudges at muscle memory, the nerves in your foot. If Megumi notices your pace pick up, he doesn’t say anything.

You make your way down the street and slowly approach.

It’s a small, odd shaped building. With a curved dome of a roof that makes it look like a half moon.

You stare. “I think I used to come here.”

You remember the pitch blackness of a room, the steady hum of the ac that had filled the room, and the slow blinking of the stars coming alight on the ceiling. You remember this building. 

The memory feels distorted. Incomplete. You feel like a clumsy child putting together a 500 piece puzzle, slotting pieces that don’t fit together. Your head hurts. 

There’s a sign taped to the window next to the entrance. You momentarily squint.

Closing for good. All bookings are final. 

Closing…for good…

Megumi calls your name.

“Sorry,” you blink it all away. “It’s nothing.”

“...Do you want to go in?”

“No, it’s fine. It’s just…”

“It’s still open.”

“That’s okay.” You don’t want to force Megumi along with your whims even more than you already have tonight.

“I want to go in,” Megumi points inside. “We can buy tickets right now. It’s the last show”

He looks serious enough that you consider it, glancing at the building. If it were any other child but Megumi you might have worried that it would be boring. “Alright,” you say slowly, less troubled. “If you really don’t mind…”

He tugs you forward. The two of you enter the carpeted lobby and approach the usher who hands you two tickets without much fanfare and tells you that this is the last showing of the night. To your great relief, nothing looks familiar. It’s all different. It might not even be the planetarium you had regularly been taken to as a child.  

The two of you enter the dark room faintly lit by dim stars dotting the curved ceiling. There are three couples scattered across the room. You let Megumi pick your seats in the corner and slide in next to him on the reclining seats.

The seating is different. It used to be standard seating in rows. You think. You aren’t sure. Maybe you just aren’t remembering it right. You must not be remembering anything right, right now. You’re buffeted by a perturbed feeling that grows stronger with every passing second.

The room is enveloped in darkness. A recorded woman’s voice begins to play. One by one the zodiacs appear above you while the voice drones on about creation myths and history. Amanominakanushi, Takamimusubi, Kamimusubi.

Different constellations are projected onto the ceiling, constantly in motion, forming new shapes, fading in and out.

You used to come here. You were a child then. You aren’t a child anymore. Nothing is the same. You aren’t that naive child that had proclaimed this planetarium your favorite place in the world. You hadn’t cared about the planetarium as much as you loved being pressed against your warm father, and his steady hand on your head. Your mother’s hushed whispers pointing out more stars.

You suddenly can’t breathe. You are keenly aware of Megumi right next to you, the humming of the air condition in the background, the narrator on the speakers, and every single breath trapped in your chest. Your head spins.

You close your eyes, slowly fisting your knuckles until they’re tight, feeling your legs and arms go numb. It’ll pass. It’ll pass. Don’t bother Megumi. It’ll pass. It’ll pass.

“—a’am”

“She’s occupied.”

Megumi’s curt voice.

When you open your eyes, the lights are on and you are on the floor, clutching your knees to your chest. You blink, readjusting to the light.

The attendant looks unsure. She looks barely out of high school. “The show’s over and we have to clean up so…”

“Right,” you say unsteadily, embarrassment slowly creeping in. You stand. “I’m so sorry.” 

“It’s alright…” She looks more relieved than bothered. “The exit’s to the right.”

You quickly gather Megumi and make a dash for the outside.

“Sorry,” you tell him breathlessly, once the two of you have made it far away enough that the embarrassment isn’t as painful. You squeeze your eyes shut, press your hands into your eyes, and take a big gulp of air. “Megumi,” you mumble. “I’m really embarrassed right now.”

“It’s okay,” he says quietly.

There’s a horrible, sinking feeling in your stomach. You kneel down, meeting him at eye level, and manage your best smile. “Hey,” you say, cupping his face with your palm to even your gazes. You meet the dark purple of his eyes, the sincerity in their depths, and think that Megumi has all Fushiguro Toji’s roughness and grit, but none of his meanness. He couldn’t be more different than his father. Your Megumi is a good boy. “I’m alright. Thank you for spending the night with me.”

His gaze lowers. “Yeah.”

You stand back up, brushing your pants off. “I should take you back to Satoru and Suguru now…” You take out your phone to call a cab, but Megumi speaks up.

“Can I stay with you tonight?”

Your first thought, guiltily, is relief. You can’t send Megumi to the apartment himself so you resigned yourself to having to face Suguru and Satoru once more. You have a late morning tomorrow. It’s Saturday so Megumi doesn’t have school either. It’s the perfect opportunity. 

You smile. “Of course you can.”

——

You text Satoru and Suguru that the two of you have arrived home, shut your phone off, and find Megumi already tucked underneath the covers of your bed. Thankfully Megumi had left some of his clothes the last time he had visited. You watch him for another minute, the steady rise and fall of his body, and the smallness of him. For once, he looks his age. Just another sleeping child.

A couple of years and he’d be as tall as you. You doubt the two of you would be able to comfortably share a bed as the two of you do now. You observe him, adjusting his sheets, smoothing out his hair, until you join him in slumber.

——

You wake up with a start, a scream building in your throat. 

Megumi isn’t in bed. It’s still dark out. Fear grips your heart as you look around your room. Maybe your shuffling had woken him up and he had gone into your guest room to sleep. The thought makes you feel marginally better. But you also feel bad. You should’ve delivered him back to the apartment, swallowing down your discomfort in exchange for Megumi’s sleep.

“I got you water.”

You startle. It’s Megumi standing in the darkness of your doorway. You blink, adjusting to how the shadows meld into him, almost swallowing him whole.

Your throat happens to be parched. “Thank you,” you rasp out as Megumi presses the glass into your hand and climbs back into the bed. You drain the glass. “Did I wake you?”

Megumi’s silence tells you everything.

You sigh. “I’m sorry. It’s not usually this…” Bad. You figure it’s all the stress of your life. And then with Nagoya…

Megumi looks at you. “You were…” he trails off, pulling the covers up higher, up to his neck. “Nevermind. It’s nothing.”

You hope you haven’t been talking in your sleep.

Megumi falls asleep easily enough again, while you thread your fingers through his hair.

When sleep claims you once more, you hope for the forgiving light of the morning to come quickly.

You’re about to head home from the campus of jujustu tech when you catch a glimpse of blonde hair in your peripheral, turning the corner to the courtyard.

“Nanami!” You call out, and the figure stops.

Your kouhai turns to you as you approach, a respectful downtilt of his head. “Senpai.” 

It’s been a while since you’ve seen him. He looks as good as you can normally attribute to him. Straight laced and responsible. Nanami’s always had a maturity to him that you’ve always thought highly of. It’s been years since the two of you were in high school, but sometimes you can still see the slight sullen downturn of his lips when Satoru does something particularly annoying. Some things don’t change.

“How have you been?” Judging from the overnight duffel in his grip, he must have just gotten back from an assignment of his own.

“The same as always,” he responds. “Thank you for asking.” A sensible answer you’d expect from him. He pauses, looking you over, the tinted eyepiece over his eyes offering you nothing. His gaze doesn’t pity you. He doesn’t offer you condolences. It’s an understanding that makes every single troubling thought resurface.

Oh, you think.

“I heard,” he says quietly. About Nagoya.

Your smile turns tight. You force it wider. “It’s over now.” You don’t know what else to say.

“The children…”

It’s a rare moment when Nanami is at a loss for words. You hadn’t expected Nanami of all people to bring this up in conversation. You’re not as upset as you could be about it. Talking to Nanami is and always has been…surprisingly easy.

“An aunt volunteered to raise them.” You think of the shell shocked son and the blank eyed older daughter. Your mouth turns sour. You stare at your shoes. Hopefully, they’ll get settled in soon. You will yourself to say the words but nothing comes out. 

Nanami understands. “Ah. I see.”

The two of you stay silent.

“Nanami!” A voice exclaims loudly.

Satoru.

You don’t have time to react before Satoru is there, in front of you, loudly slapping Nanami on the back. You wince, both at the noise and Satoru’s sudden unwanted arrival. “If I didn’t know better I’d say you were ignoring—”

Wordlessly, Nanami inclines his head to you once more, before turning on his heels and walking in the opposite direction of where he had been headed previously.

“He hasn’t changed one bit!” Satoru sighs. “Just when I thought the shared bonds of adulthood brought us closer…”

“...”

You wonder if you can slowly inch away.

He turns to you, as if sensing your intentions. You brace yourself for impact.

Satoru cocks his head to the side, studying you in silence, gaze shielded. You swallow, pulse starting up as you stare back at him.

“Seven tonight,” he finally says, to your great confusion. “Wear that…” he twirls a finger, “dress.”

A slow smile pulls at his lips. His fingers smooth out the collar of your dress shirt, and you swallow nervously when his fingers brush the heat of your neck. “Suguru barely got to see it, you know?”

Oh.

You hadn’t even thought about it since you shoved it back into your closet, hadn’t touched it. It felt wrong to throw it out. Shoko picked it out specially for you. Despite it all, you wanted to hang on to it.

He takes a step forward. You take a step back into the wall. He leans into you.

“Don’t be late!”

–

You hadn’t planned on wearing the dress. Then you looked up the restaurant on Google and nearly dropped your phone at the price range. 

-

After taking your jacket, the hostess brings you to one of the private rooms in the back before leaving with a bow. You hover at the shoji, feeling anxiety grip you tightly, knowing that Satoru and Suguru are already inside. You wonder if you have to. You could lie, make up some excuse about an emergency as (un)well as it would be received.

The door abruptly slides open before you can decide.

“There you are,” Satoru simply says.

You aren’t given time to do anything else but take off your shoes as Satoru takes you by the wrist with an ironclad grip and leads you to the opposite of the table where Suguru is already seated.

He smiles at you as you slowly lower yourself onto the tatami matting floor. Even now, you still find comfort in Suguru’s smiles. It feels wrong.

“Have you eaten?” He asks as Satoru settles down next to him. “The wagyu here is famous.”

“I’m fine,” you say tightly. Hunger is the last thing on your mind as Satoru and Suguru watch you. Suguru with a carefully crafted smile, and Satoru with an unreadable expression. You’re so nervous you might pass out.

You stare down at your lap.

You are saved from the silence when a waitress knocks and enters the room with a tablet in her hands. Satoru begins listing off an obscene amount of food with Suguru occasionally chiming in with one thing or another. Wagyu, house smoked salmon, lobster, a colorful variety of more seafood, and more. They must be hungry.

Satoru goes quiet. You realize the waitress is waiting for your order. You raise your gaze with a small, polite smile. Had there even been a menu? “I’m not hungr—”

“Double everything,” Satoru says.

You stare at him.

“Add hot chrysanthemum tea to that,” Suguru adds.

“And that,” Satoru completes. “Put it all on my card, would you?”

You’re taken aback. You look to the waitress, hoping she hasn’t put in the order yet. “A-Actually—”

“That’ll be all,” Suguru says smoothly. “Thank you.”

The waitress bows and slips out of the room before you have a chance to say anything else. You don’t have time to comprehend her disappearance and you’re left staring at the empty space she had previously occupied, mouth slightly agape. You turn back to them.

“I ate bef—”

“Then you can eat a little more,” Suguru replies easily. A winning smile playing on his lips. “Right?”

You can’t meet Suguru’s gaze, but you feel it travel over you. “...”

When you chance a glimpse up, Satoru’s face is cradled in his palm. His gaze is centered a little lower than your face. You briefly wonder what he’s looking at when your hand automatically comes up to slap the memory of his teeth on your collarbone. The bruise is gone, but with Satoru looking at you like that you can’t be too sure.

The two of them share an infinitely amused glance.

Satoru opens his mouth. You beat him to it.

“I’m sorry!” You blurt out. You feel like it needs to be said before anything else. You clear your throat. “I’m sorry.”

Satoru raises an eyebrow. “Already?”

“What are you apologizing for?” Suguru asks.

Your fists curl, anxious to be speaking everything to existence. You struggled between acknowledgement and the relief of denial. You didn’t want it to be true, but it still happened, hadn’t it? “Everything,” you say plainly. “I didn’t…I don’t want to come between the two of you…I think that the two of you should talk things out more instead of…”

You think of Suguru’s face between your thighs. Satoru’s lips on yours. Your face feels embarrassingly warm. You want to crawl into the nearest closet, shut the door, and burrow into the floor.

There’s a knock on your door. Your waitress places your drinks down and leaves once more. Glad to have something to occupy your hands, your hands circle around the tea mug. It’s hot enough to burn, but the prickling of pain in your hands oddly enough, grounds you.

“It’s okay to be mad,” you say quietly. You should’ve stopped things before they escalated. Instead you let yourself be caught up in everything. “If the two of you want to be mad at each other then I’d rather you be mad at m—”

“Just a second!” Satoru raises his hand.

“Y-yes?”

He proceeds. “We’re not mad at you.”

Satoru meets your wide gaze evenly. Disbelief. You look to Suguru. You need confirmation. 

“I was never mad,” he says, regarding you with concern. “More worried.” A wry smile. “You started avoiding us so suddenly…”

The revelation stuns you. They aren’t…mad? They don’t hate you? The two of them know everything. More disbelief. Relief wars with confusion. You don’t know what to think. You thought the worst, and maybe that was all your fault. You’ve always gotten too caught up in your head. It’s easy to spiral when you’re left alone with your thoughts. You don’t like being alone, the loneliness, but it’s your most familiar friend. 

“I thought the two of you hated me,” you admit, fingers clinging to the warmth of the tea in your hands in lieu of fidgeting. “I thought the two of you would never want to see me again…” It doesn’t feel real. They aren’t mad. They aren’t mad at you. You could cry from the relief.

You eye them warily. “Are you still fighting?”

It’s Suguru who answers you, expression soft. “You could say we’ve come to a compromise.”

You straighten, feeling lighter than you have in what seems to be ages. They’ve called you here to forget about everything. Everything is alright. Everything is going to go back to how it was. Well, not exactly. Satoru and Suguru may get married in the near or far future, and you'll naturally, slowly, take your leave from their everyday lives. But you’ll still be friends. Suguru will still look at you fondly. Satoru will still afford you the same considerations that everybody else thinks he lacks.

“I���m glad,” you say earnestly with a wide smile. “Then I’ll forget about everything. I’ll pretend nothing happened.”

Everything is going to stay the same. You take immense comfort in that fact. Your nerves settle. You take a long sip of your tea.

The two of them share another look.

Suguru reaches out, his fingers brushing one of your hands that you laid palm down on the table sometime after Suguru told you he was never mad at you. His thumb sweeps over your wrist and you startle, pulse spiking. “Did it feel good?”

You blink. You don’t need to guess to know what he’s referring to. You glance from Suguru to Satoru and then back again, wordlessly opening and closing your mouth. You can’t escape from the question, or their combined scrutiny.

You press your legs together. “It…did…” There’s no need for you to have felt as if you shouldn’t have enjoyed it, but you still feel a pang of guilt. Satoru and Suguru aren’t mad at each other, or at you. They still love each other. Everything is going to be alright. Everything is going to stay the same.

“That’s good,” Suguru says warmly. “I wanted to make you feel good.”

“Oh,” you reply, breathless and unsure. “Thank you.”

Satoru exhales with a laugh that shakes his shoulders. It’s not derisive like you expected. It’s fond and amused. “How about all three of us feel good?”

You blink.

The implications aren’t lost on you. You open your mouth and then close it. Maybe Satoru and Suguru’s odd actions towards you had nothing to do with their argument in the first place. Maybe you were overthinking it all from the start. It’s just sex.

If you could help them feel good, then you don’t mind. “Okay.”

The two of them stare at you.

You wonder why they look so...surprised. It’s not as if you’ve never seen an occasional third breach their bedroom. A man or woman you've never recognized. It’s just sex. It’s normal. You think that maybe, like you, they want the comfort of something familiar. And if anything, you are familiar. But—

You’ve never had sex before.

You hesitate, feeling oddly self conscious about it as your gaze drops back to your lap. You’ve entertained some thoughts about it all, but you always figured the ugly scar on your abdomen would be discomfiting to most. And explaining it…

“I’ve never been with anyone before. I hope that’s alright.” You fidget. “I’ll try my…” you reluctantly meet their gazes, ”best.”

There’s a brief silence.

“That was easy,” Satoru remarks, squinting at you as if you’ve been replaced by an identical lookalike. He glances at Suguru. “We should’ve just done this earlier.” His gaze joins yours once more. “That easy?”

Earlier…

You stare at them, almost dumbfounded.

The two of them should’ve just asked earlier, to save you the emotional turmoil if anything! 

It was only ever sex. It only is sex.

You hesitate. You don’t mind. You really don’t. It doesn't need to mean anything, especially with you. You prefer to look at it in simpler terms. Sex can be pleasurable, and with you, that’s all it would ever likely be. You doubt there are any other intentions involved.

Then you say, quietly, meaningfully, “I like…spending time with the two of you…”

A bark of laughter leaves Satoru’s mouth. “Well, we’re not exactly going to be watching movies —”

“You don’t need to,” Suguru suddenly says. “If you don’t want to, then you don’t need to.” He gives you a soft smile despite the sharp jab of his elbow into Satoru’s abdomen. Satoru hisses. Suguru doesn’t miss a beat. “Don’t let this guy pressure you.” There’s a pause. “Everything would stay the same.”

Maybe a part of you had been waiting for those words. Everything would stay the same. Suguru always knows what to say, you think, because his words feel like a confirmation.

“Are you two alright with me?” You ask. “I’m sure there are plenty of other people…” who know what to do.

You are gripped with sudden anxiety and your stomach twists into knots. You don’t know what to do. You wouldn’t know how to make them feel good. You’ll be terrible and they’ll wish they never asked you in the first place. You swallow the knot in your throat. “I’m sure Sasaki-san would love—”

“No,” Suguru’s fingers momentarily tighten over your wrist. “Only you,” he says at the same time Satoru says, “Who the hell is Sasaki?”

You blink. “5’4, brown hair cut into a bob, hazel eyes. She was wearing a silver colored kimono…” You pause thoughtfully, recalling the shapes and patterns. “There was an embroidered crane on it.” Running down the side of her left leg. “She smelled like apple blossoms and had soft hands…” She smelled good. You remember that, along with the heat of her fingers when they brushed your own. You stare down at the hand that had touched her, momentarily lost in thought.

Satoru stares at you blankly while Suguru looks vaguely resigned.

You try again. “The matchmaking ceremony you ditched…?”

Satoru is characteristically unrepentant. “Which one?”

“...”

Suguru looks like he’s trying to stifle laughter.

All those poor girls…

“Masaru Sasaki,” Suguru murmurs. Satoru makes an annoyed face.

“ That girl. She was practically hanging off your arm—” Satoru bites the rest of his sentence off, blue eyes narrowing at Suguru. “You cheatin’ on me?”

Your palms immediately turn sweaty. It could be a joke. It could also not be. Sometimes, with Satoru (and even Suguru at times) it’s hard to tell.

“Jealousy doesn’t suit you,” Suguru replies blithely. “Maybe you’ve been neglecting me.”

You busy yourself with your lukewarm cup of tea, unsure of what to do. A second’s glance upwards and you’re met with an amused glint in Suguru’s eyes and a lazy grin curling at his lips.

If Suguru was lonely maybe that was why he sought you out in the first place. The more you think about it, the more it makes sense. You’re not one to comment on things that aren’t your business in the first place, but it seems more and more likely.  You knew their boundaries. They knew you’d never push for anything they don’t want. If Satoru doesn’t like Sasaki-san, maybe they compromised on you.

You think back to Suguru’s words. They’ve settled on a compromise. That’s what you are, a compromise. The thought consoles you. In the end, it’s nothing serious. Nothing you should have given more than a second’s consideration. It’s as insignificant as a loose lipped comment. The two of them will have stopped fighting now. You’re glad for it.

Satoru snorts. “Neglecting you right into her open arms,” a derisive twist of his lips, “or should I say le—” 

“She seems very nice!” You exclaim, sweating. “It’s not very nice of you to say things like that, Satoru.” You chide lightly, before you smile brightly at Suguru. “She’s very pretty.” You hope you come off encouragingly so that you can convey to Suguru that you are on his side. “She seems wonderful.” 

Suguru blankly smiles back.

Luckily you’re saved from having to salvage the conversation when there’s a knock at the door. Your waitress returns with a cart of food, quickly laying down platter after platter. It doesn’t stop until almost every open space on the long wooden table has been filled with seafood. You stare at it. The abundance of it all. Maybe Satoru shouldn’t have doubled everything…

Your tea is refilled as Suguru murmurs his thanks. When the waitress takes her leave you’re still staring at all the food, unsure of where to even start when Suguru sets a stacked plate down in front of you.

You stare at the colorful array of sashimi and uni and the perfectly cooked wagyu. Your stomach already hurts at the coming richness of the meal, but now that the load of potentially ending Satoru and Suguru’s relationship has been lifted off of your shoulders you’re a bit hungrier than you were when you arrived.

Satoru keeps on loading your plate with more and more food. You pick up your chopsticks, intent on slowly shaving down the precariously tilting seafood tower on your plate when he conversationally asks, “So how was Nagoya?” as he places a large piece of uni on your plate.

You think of a sobbing, blood stained child clutching his mother’s severed hand in his arms. Then you think of Megumi.

Your appetite dies, stomach curling inwards.

They don’t know, you think as you look at the both of them seated across from you, waiting for your response. It was classified as a grade 2 mission after all. Two worlds shattered, and it hadn’t even merited a full time auxiliary manager. It’s considered beneath them now, eliciting the same mundane response as Suguru asking Satoru to check the week’s weather so that he can put umbrellas in the kids’ backpacks. The other week Suguru captured a curse that could have easily leveled Tokyo with a crushing tsunami. Satoru had been away in Malaysia.

It was just another child alone in the world, another corpse, another casualty.

You stare at your cup of tea. You hear Nanami’s gentle, quiet murmur in your ears. I heard.

You wonder if this is something you should even bother them with. There are always more important things to worry about than one of your bad days. In the grand scheme of things, it doesn’t matter. Not really. You don’t matter. You never have.

“It was fine,” you hear yourself say. It was horrible. You’ve been having nightmares again. It’s been a long time since an assignment hit you this hard. “Just another assignment.”

“Did something happen?” Satoru stares you down.

“Not much.” You reply easily, wondering when it had gotten so easy to lie to them. Just about the small things.

You silently pick at a piece of hamachi. It’s not your place to get involved. You can’t get involved in the tragedy of all the assignments that make you feel as if everything you’ve ever done is redundant, even if you can logically acknowledge you’re unlikely to make a real difference. Not on a real, tangible level. It still makes you feel horrible. 

You are suddenly, very, very tired.

“Are the kids home?” You want to see Megumi, wrap your arms around him, and squeeze him tightly just to reassure yourself he’s okay. You want him to never have to worry about jujustu society or the responsibility of being a jujustu sorcerer. You want him to be able to choose. It’s wishful thinking. It’s already late and the four of them should be getting ready for bed. You wish you could just hold Megumi, Tsumiki, and the twins. The four of them are so young, and already too old.

Suguru’s smile turns affectionate. “The twins are asleep by now. They had a late night yesterday. But Tsumiki’s probably still up doing her homework. I’m not sure about Megumi…”

“Probably sleeping,” you confirm. An early sleeper, and early riser. The boy had his habits.

“You wanna stop by?” Satoru asks casually.

You blink. You must be imagining the suggestion in his voice. 

“I was just wondering about the kids,” you rush out, embarrassed for having even thought it in the first place. Of course not. It’s not as if they were expecting anything from you right now. If anything, you should bring the night to a wrap so the two of them can get back home instead of having to entertain you. “It’s getting pretty late out though, isn’t it? Maybe we should call it a—”

“You haven’t touched your food,” Suguru lightly frowns and although his displeasure isn’t aimed at you, you still feel somewhat chastened. “Still not hungry?”

“A-ah…” You pick your chopsticks once again. “Thank you for the meal,” you murmur, taking a bite of the first thing your chopsticks come into contact with. Octopus. You realize that it might have been rude of you to not eat anything when they’ve so graciously invited you to an expensive restaurant like this. Now that you’ve taken a complimentary swallow, you look up at them expectantly. “I don’t want to keep you two—”

“Maybe we should order some drinks,” Suguru takes a couple of bites out of his own food. “Satoru needs something sugary or he’ll be too restless to sleep tonight.” He sighs forlornly, despite his lips pulling into a teasing smile. “When he gets in a mood, he likes to push me around in bed.”

You blink.

Suguru looks at him, fond. “He’s a horrible sleeper.”

Satoru huffs. “And you love me for it.” A thoughtful pause. “I could use a drink.”

“Great.” Suguru presses the button on the table. It doesn’t take a full minute until your waitress appears in the room. “Your most sugary nonalcoholic drink and a cup of sugar. I’ll take a bottle of your most expensive Junmai Daiginjo. Two cups.”

You open your mouth to object, but Suguru beats you. There’s a concerned look on his face. “Is there something wrong with the food? I thought you would have at least finished your plate…”

Your waitress almost imperceptibly freezes, the smile high on her face. You look to her in a panic. “It’s delicious!” You look to Suguru and say once again, “It’s delicious!”

Satoru looks a few seconds away from breaking into loud laughter. He succumbs, snickering into his elbow.

Suguru breaks into a smile. “I’m glad. You’ll eat some more, won’t you?” Then to the waitress, he says, “Two cups.”

The waitress hightails it out of the room after a bow. You stare at your plate in silence as Suguru and Satoru have a pleasant conversation about how although Satoru hates going to the Zenin compound, he had found something interesting there the last time he visited (two weeks ago). Your ears perk when Suguru says heavenly restriction.  

You take another bite of the food on your plate, intent on finishing half of it before your waitress comes back in an effort to make her feel more comfortable.

This time, your drinks are delivered by a waiter. You feel bad for your waitress who had probably asked to be transferred to a different room. Suguru pours you a cup as Satoru takes a long sip of what looks like a strawberry cream float. It looks like something out of an amusement park cafe, but Satoru looks satisfied.

You’re about to ask about the heavenly restriction, when Satoru eyes you.

“I should feed you,” he announces.

You stare at him. “What?”

He stands up abruptly. You watch as he makes his way to your side of the table in three long steps, and plops down next to you. He takes a large piece of uni and holds it up to your lips. 

“Open up!” He says cheerily.

You do not open up.

He’s making fun of you, you’re sure of it. “You don’t need to feed me,” you say pointedly. You look to Suguru for help, but you only get a grin in response.

“Indulge him,” it almost sounds sympathetic. “He’s in a mood.”

Up close, his eyes are piercingly determined. You relent, opening your mouth as Satoru places the uni in your mouth.

“Now be good and finish your food,” he says smugly. “Or you can finish the rest on my lap.” 

You stare at him in unabashed horror.

"At least try to look somewhat interested," Satoru deadpans.

Suguru snorts.

Under the threat of Satoru’s continued intervention, you slowly make your way through your plate as Suguru refills your cup. Time passes in a blur. Satoru is warm next to you, shoulder pressed to yours, and you resist the urge to lean on his shoulder. It’s almost reflexive, to sink into him. The two of them quietly talk about a child called Zenin Maki. You force your shoulders straight while their voices drift in and out, feeling your eyelids slowly dragging shut.

You blink when Suguru says your name. The two of them are looking at you.

“Sleepy?” Suguru inquires.

You slowly nod. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to interrupt. I should go.” You gather your things, but when you rifle through your bag to find your keys you realize they aren’t there. You pat your pockets, search your bag once more, and still. “My keys…”

Satoru lifts a finger to your face, the ring of your keys looped around his index. You reach out to grab it but Satoru lifts it away. You’re confused. Those are your keys. You reach for them again, but Satoru swiftly moves away. You’re debating on stopping him with your cursed technique. Infinity isn’t on, you can tell.

“Satoru—”

“How about a kiss first?” He murmurs, leaning in, lips hovering close.

Your bottom lip throbs, as if remembering the shape of Satoru’s teeth and the way it had drawn blood.

…

…

…

You’re already putting on your shoes. Satoru must have sneaked a few sips of Suguru’s alcohol. He’s drunk.

“I’ll stay somewhere else tonight,” you say quickly. Shoko would probably still be up. If not, there were always hotels around. In the morning you’d ask your building’s super to open your door. You have a spare key inside.

Satoru sputters. “Hold on!”

Suguru laughs, long and loud. You relish the sound, despite your back being turned against him. He says your name.

You pause, meeting his gaze over your shoulder. To give him the benefit of doubt if anything. Suguru pats the floor next to him.

You eye him. Suguru’s expression is full of innocuous intent.

“At least let me look at you before you leave,” Suguru sighs out. “Before you leave us again.”

Suguru looks sad. It makes you feel…kinda bad. You have been busy lately, haven’t you? (Avoiding the two of them.) You don’t like it either. You’re glad this dinner has resolved most of your worries. You crawl to him, intending to say your goodbyes to his face, but Suguru takes your hand.

You aren’t sure how you end up on his lap. You really aren’t. You were on the floor and now you aren’t, and Suguru’s chest pressed to your back. You open your mouth and then figuring against it, you close your mouth. You opt for staring down at your own lap and trying to stay still enough to rival a statue. 

Suguru’s arms wrap around your waist. “Much better,” he murmurs, playing with the hem of your dress that reaches down to your ankles. “I like this color,” he says conversationally, as if your mind isn’t white blanket quiet in your panic. “Did Shoko get this for you?” His lips brush your ear.

You nearly bolt but Suguru’s arms hold you down.

“Pfft.”

You give Satoru a wide eyed look pleading for help from where he’s made himself comfortable on the floor in front of you, lying on his side, head propped up to the side by a hand. 

…You hadn’t expected Satoru to help.

You really didn’t.

You feel your will to flee slowly drain out of you. Prey resigning itself to be dinner.  

“Shoko…picked it out.”

“She likes dressing you,” Suguru says with a small laugh, releasing your hem and hiking your skirt up high enough for his hand to slide up your thigh in a caressing gesture. “How about you give Satoru and I a turn next?”

You blankly burn a hole into your lap, deathly mortified. “That’s…” a little embarrassing, you think. Why would they ever want to do that? Satoru is looking so intently at you that he could be jealous, and you think you might be sick. After all that talk about Suguru feeling neglected…

“Like…another dress?”

Suguru hums.

“...Shoes?”

Suguru laughs. You can feel his smile. "Among other things."

“S-Suguru,” you start, putting your hand over his arms locked around you. “I should really get going…”

He sighs, and you can feel it in his chest. “Right. Of course.”

You wait for him to loosen his arms, to free you, but he doesn’t move.

“...Suguru—”

“Kiss tax!” Satoru interrupts, suddenly in front of you. He’s insistent, leaning into you once again with a hand on your thigh, except you have nowhere to back away but into Suguru. “Just one and you’ll be on your way!”

This is humiliating. You want to die.

Satoru’s face hovers closer and closer. Without thinking you intercept his lips with a hand, muffling his mouth.

“We shouldn’t,” you blurt out. “Not in public.”

Satoru doesn’t deign you with a response. Instead his gaze exaggeratedly sweeps the room, as if to emphasize the lack of other people. 

Someone could come in. Anyone could see. They don’t want to be accidentally seen with… you. “Nobody can know.” Then for good measure you say it again. “Nobody can know.”

Satoru isn’t happy. You can tell by the press of his lips. Suguru’s gaze bears into the top of your head. But you’re worried about their prospects. About everything they might regret. It’s best to keep this a secret. They’ll thank you for it later, you’re sure.

“Who car—”

“Please.”

Satoru momentarily glances upwards. He’s still unhappy. “Fine. Right Suguru?”

“That’s right,” you hear him say from behind you. His tone is carefully measured. You don’t want to look at him, and you can’t discern his feelings either. “A secret.”

You exhale. “Thank you.”

After a second of agonizing hesitation, you lean forward and press a small, short kiss to Satoru’s waiting lips. When you pull back, you shyly say, “kiss tax paid.”

“That was nothing,” Satoru says immediately. “Ten more.”

You frown.

“You forgot someone.” Suguru’s voice is light, almost chiding.

You didn’t forget. You just hoped it wouldn’t have to come to this. You turn your head to the side and lean in. Suguru meets you halfway, lips soft on your own. Almost immediately, Suguru’s arms go lax, as a hand comes up to cup your face, thumb running along your cheek.

It lasts a second longer than Satoru’s kiss, which is already enough to get him whining about timing the length of your kisses which means more kissing.

All that matters is that you’re finally free. You jump to your feet, swipe your shoes, and run out the door without a second thought.