#revisit what messages and memories i still have access too and. i don’t know this year it is hitting especially hard

[humanveil]

turning 27 this year

[marshmallowgoop]

Magic Kaito vs. Magic Kaito 1412

I’m not sure if I ever finished all twelve episodes, but I first watched at least a handful of the original Magic Kaito specials about a decade ago, and I remember really enjoying them. Superhero stories are among my favorites, and while both Magic Kaito and its sister series Detective Conan overlap with the genre in various ways—after all, Conan’s glasses were literally inspired by Clark Kent—Kaito’s flashy costume alone pushes his adventures more in that direction. So, maybe it’s no wonder that, back in the day, I kind of considered Magic Kaito my preferred series of the two.

Recently, I’ve got a reignited interest in the DCMK world (evidently). And it’s not a bad time to have a reignited interest, because English-language accessibility for this universe is much better now than it was ten years ago. Conan’s getting new movie dubs, and Kaito’s newer, expanded TV series, Magic Kaito 1412, is freely available on Crunchyroll. Obviously, I had to give it a shot.

I wasn’t impressed. Far from it. I chalked up my old fondness to nostalgia goggles. Kid the Phantom Thief is simply more enjoyable in Detective Conan than in his own thing, I figured.

But a few weeks ago, those old specials went up on Crunchyroll Germany. And it took me a while, but I finally decided to figure out the truth, once and for all. Have my tastes totally changed, or has Magic Kaito anime not always been Like That?

I was impressed. I watched all of one episode, and I enjoyed it so much more than 1412.

Which surprised me! Just examining the first episodes of both series, they’re honestly practically identical. They cover the same story beats almost exactly. Kaito’s introduction is even consistently him being disgusting to Aoko—behavior that, nauseatingly, convinced me that Mineta of the My Hero Academia series would actually be adored if he were conventionally attractive.

But as it turns out, that’s relevant to why the original Magic Kaito strikes me as far more palatable. Kaito’s actions towards Aoko are still indefensible in the old special, but he doesn’t repeat them on his teacher, and there are repercussions. Unlike in 1412, Kaito doesn’t get away with his harassment because his teacher finds him charming; in fact, Aoko even later notes that he “should be thankful [he] [wasn’t] expelled,” implying that he was indeed punished harshly for what he did. While Aoko assures Kaito’s mother that he didn’t get in trouble in 1412, in the original special, it’s clear that being cute isn’t enough to give him a free pass for disrupting class and being gross.

Further, in a more general sense, the tone of both series is of course goofy overall, but the characters in the old Magic Kaito feel much more like human beings than the cartoonish caricatures portrayed in 1412. A scene especially missing from the new show is a quiet one where Kaito and Aoko walk together after school. With the sun hanging low in the sky and a sparkling river flowing beside them, Kaito expresses his disappointment in how his magic trick didn’t exactly end as planned. “I guess I need to work on my finale,” he bemoans, but Aoko is more concerned with why he feels the need to pull these ridiculous stunts in the first place.

She quickly gets her answer. One of the exuberant little kids who had run by them earlier falls over and cries, and Kaito doesn’t hesitate to cheer him up with magic. And Aoko watches. She sees the way the little boy’s face lights up. She sees how he runs off again with renewed energy. And she smiles. She doesn’t say it, but the audience gets the message.

Oh. That’s why Kaito’s a magician. That’s why Aoko walks by his side.

I won’t claim to fully comprehend Kaito’s character. I haven’t read the manga, it’s been years since I’ve seen more than the first episode of these old specials, I’ve only watched about 20% of 1412, and for as much as I’ve been posting about Detective Conan lately, I’m (maybe humorously) about the farthest thing from current and would only be able to tell you about Kid’s first appearance in that show. But when Kaito returns to his empty home in the original series, and when he announces that he’s there to nobody at all, and when he welcomes himself back, all with a smile and a cheerfulness to his tone, I deeply feel his loneliness. I feel the weight of his lost father. I feel that, even if some of his tricks are inappropriate and inexcusable, he does them because he wants to make people laugh. He doesn’t want anyone to feel as sad and alone as he’s felt.

Maybe I missed it, but I didn’t get any of that from Magic Kaito 1412.

And they’re small things, they really are. But they make a world of difference. Even Jii, who really only becomes more than just a mysterious figure in the episode’s closing minutes, feels more like a tangible person in the special. He loudly gasps for breath after performing the magical, fantastical feats of his old friend, and it’s such a tiny, minuscule detail, but when watching, I feel it so strongly. I literally understand the strain of Toichi’s loss on Jii, too.

Beyond narrative decisions—and there are others that I much prefer in the old series, such as how Kaito links his failed magic trick to his father’s “poker face” philosophy, and how Kaito uses a successful variation of his earlier trick to escape the police as Kid the Phantom Thief—I also just simply prefer the original art style. Magic Kaito 1412 is slick and shiny and modern, but in being so, it strikes me as much more generic than the older-styled 2010 special. Shot compositions also feel more powerful in the first anime; just consider how differently the two series handle what is arguably the emotional height of the entire episode:

[Image descriptions: A series of four comparison images examining how the 2010 Magic Kaito series and the 2014 Magic Kaito 1412 portray the same sequence of events. In both, Kaito asks Jii, “Dad was murdered?! Was my dad... a thief? Was he Kid the Phantom Thief?” Kaito then says, “I see...” End image descriptions.]

While the dialogue is essentially unchanged, the old show’s use of close-ups expresses the tension of the scene spectacularly. You can see the terror in Kaito’s eyes. You can see how the thought of his father being a thief is so distressing that merely asking the question is painful and heartwrenching. You can see the sweat on Kaito’s face. You can see in great detail how much he struggles to grapple with this new truth.

Magic Kaito 1412 is significantly more distanced. And there’s power in that decision, too. The revelation is overwhelming. It’s hard to take. Kaito may want to get away from it, but he can’t.

However, I resonate more with how the original series handles the moment. Seeing how everything affects Kaito way up close speaks much more to me—and there are still some fantastic long shots, too:

[Image descriptions: Two screenshots from the original Magic Kaito series. Both are distanced long shots. In the first image, Kaito and Jii kneel on the ground. Kaito’s hands are on Jii’s shoulders. In the second image, Kaito stands, facing away from Jii, while Jii remains on the ground in shame. They wear identical outfits in both images, and their capes blow in the wind. End image descriptions.]

Gotta love those capes.

Overall, my feelings on Magic Kaito as a whole could probably be best described as somewhat mixed. And I’m kind of new here, and I don’t even know when it’s appropriate to use the #dcmk tag, so I of course don’t have the slightest clue about how popular or unpopular my opinion that the 2010 Magic Kaito series ranks above 2014′s Magic Kaito 1412 is. 

But skipping down memory lane and revisiting the old show was pleasantly surprising. Maybe my affection for Magic Kaito will never reach the highs it once had all those years ago, but it was almost comforting to find that my tastes haven’t changed all that much—rather, it’s Magic Kaito itself that’s changed.

[timeclonemike]

Axiom Verge 2: Here We Go Again

So Axiom Verge 2 came out not long ago, but I don’t have a Switch and I don’t trust the Epic Games Store. Rather than wait and possibly get spoiled, I bit the bullet and watched a Let’s Play.

Consequently I can now build on this post. Cutting for length and spoilers right about here.

The Filter: The biggest revelation that AV2 provides is a refinement of the multiverse theory, plus defining some terms from the original game. Trace’s note next to his wheelchair mentions going upstream to the Filter or beyond for answers. As it happens, “upstream” refers literally to the Worldstream, and different universes are connected to each other in a serial fashion. The terminology used to describe the connections is upstream and downstream, with upstream leading towards the Source Worlds that are the progenitors of all other universes. Likewise, the Filter refers to worlds in the worldstream that function as firewalls and safety mechanisms to keep disruptive influences from downstream worlds from traveling too far up, since disrupting one world can damage all of the worlds downstream from that world.

We even get to see the Worldstream or some analog to it when Indra (the protagonist of Axiom Verge 2) travels to the Filter world upstream of Kiengir (which is either upstream of or parallel to Earth) and the background of the rooms is a MASSIVE fractal pattern originating from / coalescing into a singularity off in the distance.

There are also some notes from Trace to Dr. Hammond, his research partner in the cutscene for the first game who took Trace’s revolutionary theory and turned into a way to make Faster Than Light communication and computing technology. Dr. Hammond also finds herself in a unique position to test one of the possibilities implicit in Trace’s theory, namely if the existence of an afterlife is somehow accounted for in the multiverse. One of the notes in the first game says that different instances of a person across the multiverse can survive events that their counterparts do not, but that the survivors have no idea that they even have a counterpart who died.

What happens in the second game is more about what happens to the ones that didn’t make it, because Dr. Hammond is communicating with Indra through the prototype superluminal communicators (called ansibles) scattered here and there, but Indra can also find Hammond’s body and a suicide note in some of Kiengir’s ruins. Dr. Hammond refers to where she is as a sort of “detention center” that she needs Indra’s help to escape from, and this help involves hacking the control computer in the Filter world. An earlier message at an ansible mentions data throttling, which seems to refer to the memory limitations of the ansible prototypes themselves; they can only send so much data over their operational lifetimes.

Except there’s Trace’s original paper and the axioms he starts with, where reality is described as algorithms running a universal / multiversal simulation, and cognition is a sub-algorithm within the parent algorithm. Put it all together and the game all but states that there is an afterlife, but it operates on the same rules as life - it’s an adjacent or related universe to our own and minds / spirits / souls / cognitive algorithms can migrate between those universes under certain conditions even if the material body they used to pilot is no longer functional. At least, that’s what normally happens, but for some reason the transmigration of souls was limited or stopped or throttled. It’s semi-implied but never explicitly stated that there’s a trans-universal system in place to keep the Worldstream stable, and the Lamassu computer network that controls Kiengir is part of that network, and the fact that realities are starting to glitch and break down further implies that this system is damaged or overwhelmed.

Trace’s Motivations: Trace never shows up in the game, and only gets mentioned here and there in a few notes. The game takes place in the 2050s and Trace’s lab accident was in 2005, with Dr. Hammond starting Hammond Corp and making money hand over fist in 2007 by selling the world zero-latency computing technology. Hammond’s suicide note explains that Trace was already exploring the Breach before she started her company, but she hasn’t heard from him in decades and the entire antarctic expedition was just so she could try to find him again. She mentions a few things in passing that come up in the first game, like a device called a Scry that can locate anything in the multiverse, and the term PatternMind which Trace was but Hammond was not.

By itself, this would seem to imply that we don’t know anymore about what Trace saw or experienced that turned him from a pacifist to somebody willing to commit genocide. But there’s another factor in play, one that has nothing to do with Trace at all at first glance.

At a certain point in the game, Indra gets stuck in her alternate drone form until she finds the right upgrade to become human (well, humanoid) again. She can still communicate with people, such as the survivors from Hammond Corp’s expedition and one of the Kazakh members of a Russian expedition that came through the portal and decided to settle a world upstream of Kiengir. However, coming back to revisit those areas and talk to those survivors later may result in them not being in the same spot anymore. Instead, there’s a sort of flying enemy that looks like a miniature version of the first boss of Axiom Verge. People who examined the game’s code found that there is actually an “infection” mechanic involved based on time elapsed since Indra comes in contact with the survivors.

That the survivors turn  into the types of monsters we see in Axiom Verge 1 is significant on its own, but it takes on more importance when we consider the endgame cutscenes. The Kazakhs have settled and colonized an upstream world, while a few of them are staying in an adjacent world where time passes differently; this is explicitly so that they can observe and track the changing of society over long spans of time and direct its evolution. After beating the final boss, Indra decides to team up with Drushka, the leader of the Kazakhs and a name mentioned in one of the notes found in Axiom Verge 1, in order to further her own goals.

Here’s the thing: What we see of the world that Drushka is standing watch in, called The Emergence, looks so similar to what we’ve seen of Sudra as to be almost identical. Given how time is explicitly stated to pass at different rates in different parts of the Breach compared to the worlds in the Worldstream, it isn’t out of the question that the Kazakhs were the ancestors of the Sudrans. The only problem with this theory is that long before anyone from earth showed up in Kiengir, the Lamassu had upstream technology brought in to allow the locals to defend themselves, as part of its broader directive to safeguard the Worldstream from disruption. Some of this technology included Rebirth Chambers - Indra even accesses the Filter through one - which was later destroyed to prevent too much cultural contamination. That technology had to come from somewhere, so either the Kazakhs inhabited a world adjacent to Sudra or downstream from it so there were similarities in art and culture and architecture, or the Rebirth Chambers and other advanced technology were themselves brought to Sudra from upstream worlds and simply shut down rather than completely destroyed after the Sudrans nearly wiped themselves out.

In either case, the important part is how Indra is subtly implied to be some sort of nanotech Typhoid Mary. She might be the actual source of the Pathogen that wipes out Sudra, not Athetos. In hindsight there is a hint to this effect in the first game because after Trace starts getting sick and hallucinating, there is a Rusalki called Ophelia that saves him. He doesn’t have any symptoms for the rest of the game, implying he is cured. If it was something unique to Trace that made him immune, he wouldn’t have gotten sick in the first place and neither would Athetos. Same with him getting better, if Trace could do it so could the original. So it had to be something unique to Ophelia that she couldn’t - or wouldn’t - do for anyone else.

And during Axiom Verge 2′s credits, we see a detailed close up look of Indra’s nanotech-enhanced body. The face and head look a LOT like Ophelia. Not conclusive by itself, but too similar to be completely shrugged off as coincidence.

And that has got me thinking.

I ended my first post pondering what Trace could have found in the Breach or while traveling the multiverse that caused a pacifist scientist to turn to genocide to achieve his ends. It’s possible that nothing could, because he didn’t. Maybe Athetos didn’t release the pathogen on Sudra, the Rusalki did; it’s shown in the notes that they resented the way that the Sudrans crippled them and reduced them basically to talking heads, but still had some influence over what was going on either through manipulating the priests or through exchange of data that the Sudrans were unaware of or incapable of understanding.

Athetos refers to the Rusalki as masters of war just before the final battle of Axiom Verge 1. He might have shown up at Sudra thousands of years prior to the events of the game as Trace, gotten healed, traveled up to the Filter to try to learn more, and then come back after the flow of time had changed to find a civilization on the verge of collapse from a virulent contagion that turned people into monsters. Trace may be a pacifist, but he will still use the Axiom Disrupter and all of its bells and whistles to protect himself in game. It’s entirely possible that the original realized that the Rusalki were trying to escape Sudra and would cause devastation throughout the Worldstream, and he applied his knowledge to create weapons and tools to turn himself into a one man army once he realized he couldn’t cure the pathogen. (Or maybe he did try to come up with a cure, and the Rusalki’s retaliation / interference was what made him realize what was actually going on.)

He doesn’t say any of this before his boss fight because he realizes that Trace and the Rusalki have the advantage now. Trace can keep coming back using the Rebirth Chambers, so Athetos has to come up with contingency plan. The secret ending shows Trace in a Dream Algorithm set up by one of the Rusalki, but Athetos shows up and shoots him, telling him it’s time to wake up. During his boss fight, Athetos shows the ability to manipulate the environment to a certain degree, spawning in new enemies and replacing power cells for the Breach Attractor when Trace destroys them. It’s not clear if this is a result of Sudran tech of being a PatternMind, but whatever the reason, it’s possible that Athetos was doing all of it to buy time.

Time for what?

To hack Trace’s Nanogates so that the Rusalki couldn’t control him anymore.

Trace keels over not long after the final battle, but Athetos showing up with a gun implies that Athetos was able to at least get a Trojan Horse into the nanogates that would wake Trace up when the remote overrides were disabled. Then Trace could wake up, find all his equipment again, and take the fight to the Rusalki before they could cause too much damage to the Worldstream, possibly including Earth.

The only truly glaring flaw in this theory is that it doesn’t account for why Indra would side with a bunch of genocidal robots, one way or another; she refers to the storage bay in Axiom Verge 1 as where “our bodies” are kept, and these are massive war machines, while her humanoid nanotech form is about human sized. The Lamassu refers to some fairly devastating war machines from upstream worlds and the Rusalki might just be those machines; she was heading to the world they were stored in because it might have the technology to restore one of her Apocalypse Arm upgrades - the child Damu that controls her drone body - to a flesh and blood body that can live a normal life.

There is a big gap between trying to help this kid she found and teaming up with sentient weapons platforms to devastate the multiverse. At least as big as the gap between Trace being a pacifist and Athetos committing genocide.

Like so many sequels, Axiom Verge 2 has raised even more questions than it answered.

[kiranxrys]

Alone Together Episode 1 Transcript - Alexander Siddig & Andrew Robinson

I hadn’t seen a transcript for this episode going around on Tumblr yet and I thought I would quickly make one to share with anyone who would prefer to read or wants to read along/revisit the first episode in text form (and the YouTube subtitles are mostly useless, annoyingly). Please let me know if you think I’ve made an error anywhere and I’ll amend it!

watch: one | two | three | four

read: two | three | four

ANNOUNCER (ON-SCREEN): ‘Alone Together’ - a DS9 companion, Episode 1 - ‘These Days’. It has been about 25 years since the Dominion War ended. The Federation isn’t quite the same. Starfleet is much more consistently militarized these days. Earth may be paradise, but humanity is less ideologically empathetic. Since the recent Romulan attempts to extinguish synthetic life by infiltrating Starfleet Command, benevolence is taking a backseat to security these days. 

Elim Garak has been Castellan of the Cardassian Assembly since the new order was established following the Dominion War. Garak, of course, also has direct control over a newly resurrected Obsidian Order, though not by title. 

Julian Bashir is still a doctor on Deep Space 9 but is also coordinating the activities of Section 31. What we’ve learned is that upon sharing a consciousness with Luther Sloane using stolen Romulan technology, his genetically enhanced brain committed much of what he learned to his eidetic memory. That information had to be contained but could be put to good use. He was given little choice in the matter. Maintaining his cover as a Chief Medical Officer in the Bajoran sector met his needs, and he saw no reason to change.

[fade to black]

JULIAN BASHIR (VOICE ONLY): Mission log, stardate 737114. I’m approaching Cardassia Prime in response to a rather enigmatic request for medical aid from Castellan Garak, the leader of the Cardassian government. Though it’s hardly surprising that Garak might be withholding information, it seems that a reunion of sorts will be forthcoming. I’ve left the Infirmary in the capable hands of Doctor Jabara while I’m off the station. I must admit, I’m not entirely sure what to expect. 

JULIAN (ON-SCREEN): Bashir to Central Command, I’ve just entered orbit of Cardassia Prime, requesting approval to transport to Cardassia.

ELIM GARAK (VOICE ONLY): Stand by, Doctor. Don’t be in such a hurry.

JULIAN: Garak. I didn’t expect you to be at the Central Command, it’s good to hear your voice.

GARAK: My dear doctor, are we starting the lies already?

JULIAN (LAUGHING): It’s true, Garak. It’s good to hear your voice! That’s not a- Look, more importantly, if you’ll grant approval I can beam to your current location.

GARAK: Doctor, I’m not at Central Command. I’ve merely intercepted your subspace communications link. Unfortunately, Doctor, the Federation will not be setting foot on Cardassia today, and, to be quite honest, you don’t want to be here.

JULIAN: Garak, your message suggested some urgency in my arrival. Quite frankly, what the hell am I doing here if I can’t beam down?

GARAK: Would you uh- [laughs] believe pure, unadulterated nostalgia?

JULIAN: Would you?

GARAK (ON-SCREEN): [laughs] I missed you too Doctor. So, how is life on the station?

JULIAN: Well, Bajoran fashions just aren’t the same since you left.

GARAK: I’m sure.

JULIAN: But much of life has returned to what it once was, as much as it ever could, I suppose. Now-

GARAK: I was sorry to hear about Dax.

JULIAN: Thank you. I um… I miss Ezri every day. Ten years. I, well, that is- we, Dax and I, we tried to make it work. I- I was so happy Dax made it back to Trill on time. Cairn and I, we were very different people. He’s a botanist – can you imagine? Dax as a botanist. I suppose it’s why Keiko didn’t seem to mind my business as much. She and Dax had so much to talk about but, well, once the Symbiosis Commission discovered our continued relationship, well, we just uh- we couldn’t-

GARAK: Doctor, there’s no need to explain.

JULIAN: No. Dax always encouraged me to talk about my feelings, though there’s not much else to say, really. I had never really considered being in love with another man, but it was Dax. Ezri, Jadzia, even Cairn, it was Dax, is Dax. But we- we just couldn’t- I didn’t-

GARAK: It is difficult to find a good counselor to sort out our deepest sorrows these days.

JULIAN: I suppose it is.

GARAK: You’re an honourable man, Doctor. You loved Dax, you could do nothing less than your heart demanded. I know the pain of love all too well, especially a love that has everything working against it.

JULIAN: Ziyal.

GARAK: Ziyal, yes. Yes, even exiles have hearts, Doctor. Even [laughs] Elim Garak. When it comes right down to it, he has a heart as well. In fact, my heart is partially the reason why I’m here.

JULIAN: So, this is a house call? Damn it, Garak, why didn’t you tell me on subspace? What- what are your symptoms? Why don’t you want me to beam down?

GARAK: Well, so many questions, one hardly knows which to answer first.

JULIAN: Your symptoms, Garak. What is wrong with your heart?

GARAK: Well, it’s not just my heart, Doctor. Actually the most concerning symptom seems to be a degenerative condition that causes the ill to be especially susceptible to suggestion. Luckily my infection is relatively new, and rather unexplained as my exposure to the public tends to be limited to state functions and the like, you know, the life of a politician.

JULIAN: The ill? Garak, what are you saying?

GARAK: A virus, Doctor. Cardassia appears to be facing a- a minor health issue. We’re trying to contain the infection to one region, but we may have moved… far too late.

JULIAN: A minor health issue? You are a champion of understatement! ‘The ill’ suggests that this isn’t just about you but your ability to hide the facts seems to have been tainted over the years.

GARAK: Doctor?

JULIAN: Since your speech at the Lakarian City memorial, the ridges on your neck have grown paler and your breathing rate has increased.

GARAK: You liked my speech?

JULIAN: Damn it, Garak, you contacted me! How is this the first time that I’m hearing about this? Why is the planet not being quarantined? Your message said ‘medical aid’ – I assumed that I was just coming here as a preliminary consultation having something to do with one of your colonies. Now it sounds like an outbreak that needs to be contained.

GARAK: Doctor, quarantine means announcing the problem to the galaxy. This is an internal matter. You obviously don’t appreciate the severity of this virus, but you needn’t worry – no one is allowed to leave Cardassia, no one is currently being permitted to enter the atmosphere.

JULIAN: I cannot imagine you can contain the population without a reason. Just how bad is it?

GARAK: Oh, I’ve given them a reason, Doctor, but you shouldn’t worry about that. There are more important things requiring your focus right now.

JULIAN: Of course. How much- how many are infected?

GARAK: At last count, the virus had been contained to three continents. Nearly 68% of the population in those regions has been infected.

JULIAN: And you call it a ‘minor issue’ Garak?! That’s a pandemic!

GARAK: Doctor, when I say that the ill have developed a degenerative condition, I speak specifically of their thought processes. It is true that we have determined that it is a virus – a biological contaminant of sorts – but the Central Command is hardly a healthcare organization and while the degeneration is affecting the cardiopulmonary system as well, all of the symptoms seem to be driven by misfiring neurons, and therein lies the problem.

JULIAN: A virus that affects the brain is no small problem. The fact that early infections are showing in terms of dysfunction relatively mild systems doesn’t mean people won’t start to die.

GARAK: Yes, Doctor. And I haven’t.

JULIAN: My God, Garak. You’re infected.

GARAK: Why do you think I contacted you? I want the best.

JULIAN: And hoping that my genetic enhancements will allow me to diagnose your symptoms without scanning equipment?  

GARAK: I really have missed your mistrust, Doctor. The physicians here have the tendency to avoid the necessary dispassion for harder truths. You, however, have a refreshingly forthright bedside manner.

JULIAN: Wow, a compliment. You must be neurologically compromised. Well of course, of course I’ll do everything that I can. Do you know anything more about the virus? How is it passed on? How does it proliferate in the body? Have your doctors attempted any therapies that show any promise?

GARAK: Well, it seems to take several days to propagate in the carrier. During that time, sufferers develop a rather serious cough... [inaudible] …the dispatcher reaches the brain so our assumption it that it is spread through the air. Most hospitals have been closed to all but the infected to try and control the outbreak. As a result, our doctors are learning from their patients as they are treating them. As it stands now, they can only treat symptoms. Medical staff is reporting to external bodies to ensure that anyone studying the infection isn’t also battling a neurological disease. Progress is limited and all too slow.

JULIAN: Garak, I’m not sure how I can help you if I can’t examine you or access your data.

GARAK: Doctor, I’m afraid I can’t allow you to put yourself at risk. After all, I’m counting on you to save us all. And I believe that an outside perspective may be exactly what we need.

JULIAN: So no pressure?

GARAK: You’re a bright man, Doctor – put that genetically-enhanced brain of yours to work.

JULIAN: Well, I can’t examine you from orbit. My shuttlecraft sensors may be able to me that you’re alive, they can isolate you for transport, but they can hardly determine more than the most modest of life signs, and while I can see outward symptoms, Garak, I can’t for the life of me figure out how to see through your skull. I suppose I could transport a tricorder down there for a preliminary scan.

GARAK: I’m afraid I can’t allow that, Doctor.

JULIAN: Oh, of course you can’t. Can you send me your most recent medical scans?

GARAK: Unfortunately, no.

JULIAN: And why not?

GARAK: All of my genuine medical records are routinely deleted and replaced with falsified data. All data rods in which those records once existed have been destroyed, all computers in which the data rods were placed have been vaporized. My dear doctor, I’m the leader of the Cardassian people! Especially now, I can’t afford to broadcast my weaknesses to all, to anyone who feels they could exploit them.

JULIAN: The more things change, the more they remain the same.

GARAK: Meaning?

JULIAN: A presumption of godliness, most certainly a great paranoia. You haven’t managed to find yourself a staff that you trust to protect your life. To be quite honest, I’m surprised your staff doesn’t have implants that allow you to control them.

GARAK: Oh, Doctor, your assumptions hurt me deeply! Of course they do. If news of this infection gets out, and I can’t be clearer than this, Cardassia will be devastated. And we won’t be the only world that will fall.

JULIAN: Garak, you seem to believe that I can cure this virus from orbit, without any information.

GARAK: Well, Doctor, this virus doesn’t only infect the average citizen. Everyone is at risk. Everyone – the government, the military. Imagine if only a few of their people were infected. They find it difficult to concentrate. They’re finding themselves susceptible to suggestion. And what if intelligence agents of foreign governments found their way to Cardassia during this crisis?

JULIAN: It could destroy the Cardassia you’ve been rebuilding for over two decades.

GARAK: Yes.

JULIAN: But quarantine would keep foreign nationals off-planet and keep the rest of us safe from infection, assuming it can even infect off-worlders.

GARAK: Again, Doctor, it would announce the problem before we have a solution.

JULIAN: But it could help produce the solution you so desperately need!

GARAK: The risk is too great, Doctor.

JULIAN: Garak! Lives are at stake!

GARAK: Hundreds, perhaps thousands, to save billions. Doctor – will. You. Help. Me?

JULIAN: First and foremost, I’m a doctor, Garak. And I’m your friend.

GARAK: Yes. One more thing we should keep to ourselves.

JULIAN: You know Garak… you are being more paranoid than usual. You remind me of the exiled tailor I met so many years ago.

GARAK: Ah, but as you said yourself Doctor, the more things change-

JULIAN: The more they stay the same. But Garak, so much has changed. You’re the leader of your people.

GARAK: Julian… let’s drop the pretensions, shall we?

JULIAN: Whatever do you mean?

GARAK: You know that I have rebuilt the Obsidian Order, and the reason that I know that you know is because I know that you are working for Starfleet Intelligence. Your posting at Deep Space 9 is merely your cover. Why would a religious sanctuary like Deep Space 9 need a doctor of your capability, with such a limited Starfleet presence? I must admit, you have done an excellent job of obscuring your intelligence role.

JULIAN: Dear, dear Garak. Have you been keeping tabs on me? I suppose of all people you would be the only person I might be able to trust with such information. Assuming any of your conclusions are true. But Starfleet still has a presence and Deep Space 9 is still a major way station for commerce and diplomacy in the Bajoran sector.

GARAK: Of course you can trust me with sensitive information Julian-

JULIAN: [chuckles]

GARAK: -at least until there’s a reason you can’t. Oh, but let’s hope it never comes to that. I do like you; I did from the very beginning. You may be my only true friend. Since Mila’s passing, our all too infrequent exchanges have been my only respite from a world without trust. The political world on Cardassia deplores a vacuum and the old ways are clung to, even after the war. It took me years to bring Cardassians around to another way of thinking. The arts are celebrated, the people are fed. Life is no longer a struggle, but… paranoia is rampant once more.

JULIAN: Then I suppose you’ve been the ideal leader.

GARAK: Well, I do appear to have the appropriate skill set and experience, yes.

JULIAN: You could always go back to being a plain, simple tailor.

GARAK (LAUGHING): You would be surprised by how many of my old vocations I still dabble in. I’ve even taken up taxidermy! Yes, it’s true! But stuffing a tribble isn’t as challenging as perhaps a six-legged [uncertain] marsupial, but it passes the time. And so many wonderful things fit inside an animal that need only trill to appear alive.

JULIAN: [laughs]

GARAK: But as you said Julian, you are my friend, and one of the things I learned from working in the Obsidian Order under Enabran Tain, was that friends are a liability. Enemies are easy. Friends… friends are the challenge. When I was his protégé I had a job to do, relationships were tools to achieve my objectives. I don’t have time for friends, I don’t have room for emotional attachments.

JULIAN: And then you were exiled.

GARAK: And then… I was exiled.

JULIAN: I had no idea.

GARAK: About what?

JULIAN: Am I your only friend?

GARAK: Well… the only one living.

JULIAN: You said that your cardiopulmonary system seems to be demonstrating symptoms consistent with this neurolytic virus.

GARAK: Mm-hmm.

JULIAN: I need to at least access the database being used by the off-site researchers working on a cure.

GARAK: I’m sorry to disappoint you, Doctor – I’ve never been an ideal patient, as you well know. But while I trust you, I cannot risk any access that Starfleet Intelligence might have built into your shuttle.

JULIAN: Garak, you’re tying my hands. Do you have access to a medical scanner? Can you scan yourself?

GARAK: I’ve been a tailor, a gardener, a spy, who’s to say I’m not a doctor as well?

JULIAN: I suppose stranger things have happened.

GARAK: Oh, a shapeshifter saved the galaxy by going for a swim, a Starfleet captain turned out to be a god, a Cardassian legate turned out to be the devil, you were married to a woman three centuries your senior – stranger things, my dear doctor, happen all the time.

JULIAN: You may have a point. Although to be fair, Dax is three hundred years older, not Ezri. Ezri was several years younger than me.

GARAK: Semantics, Doctor.

JULIAN: Ah, here we are.

GARAK: I’m sorry?

JULIAN: I’ve created an encrypted backdoor to your central database.

GARAK: Ooh, of course you did. Yes, but it won’t help you. Our researches are working in a closed system, it is impossible to access their research through the central network.

JULIAN: Damn it, Garak, I’m trying to help you! I encrypted the access, there was no danger to you or you people! I used a fractal regression to develop access points at either end.

GARAK: And I sincerely appreciate your efforts, Julian. That’s why you’re here. And of course that is why I am convinced no one else will be able to save us.

JULIAN: I cannot do this without any information about the pathogen. And even the smartest person in the galaxy would be hard-pressed to develop a cure to an unknown virus quickly enough to prevent its spread or knowledge of its existence to the outside world.

GARAK: I have faith in you, Doctor. And to put your mind at ease, you should know that very few citizens on Cardassia are even aware that they are infected. And I’ve committed the Order to a substantial misinformation campaign to keep it that way.

JULIAN: How long do you expect that to last? The longer the infected believe that they’re free to live their normal lives or even to travel to and from health centers for treatment for whatever malady they believe they have, the faster the real virus will spread.

GARAK: Well, it seems its symptoms vary in their intensity. The cough can be persistent or periodic. And when that initial symptom passes, the neurological symptoms cause sufferers to present a variety of ailments. It is only those doctors who discovered the virus and were subsequently visited by some associates that are aware of the larger problem. And they are the very physicians currently researching the virus on my behalf.

JULIAN: If you are able to contact them then there’s no reason that I can’t access their data!

GARAK: Doctor, we’ve been through this.

JULIAN: Garak, we’ve been through a lot of things!

GARAK (LAUGHING): Yes.

JULIAN: You didn’t call me here to explain Cardassia’s post-war isolationist bureaucracy!

GARAK: [laughs]

JULIAN: I came because a friend in need asked me!

GARAK: You didn’t know why I called you, Doctor. So please, don’t offer me your selfless pretense.

JULIAN: Pretense?! You think after all this time your lives and deceptions would keep me from helping you? I can tell when you’re lying Garak, and you know when I’m telling the truth. I promise you that no one will ever know about your role in the cover-up of the virus, at least not from me.

GARAK: I… I want you to set course for the southern polar region of Cardassia Prime. The magnetic interference will make it more difficult for prying eyes to access your subspace signal. You’ll find that my alleged paranoia has a purpose. 

JULIAN: Computer, set course 118 mark 72.

COMPUTER: [chimes] Acknowledged.

JULIAN: Engage at one-quarter impulse.

COMPUTER: Course laid in. [chimes]

JULIAN: My signal was encrypted from the very beginning. I assume the same is true of the signal you used to isolate and redirect my subspace carrier wave. Isn’t it a little bit late to begin worrying now, Garak?

GARAK: Our signal may be secure between one another, but any system can be breached given enough time and expertise. And what I have to tell you…

JULIAN: Just tell me, Garak. I’m over the polar region as you asked.

GARAK: Yes, so you are, so you are. Now, good, wait- wait… Good. Now that we’re comfortably alone, let me ask you this: do viruses normally pop up undetected in a population with little to no prior warning? And how many unknown pathogens exist in a planetary ecosystem with our level of technological development?

JULIAN: Well, to be quite honest, pathogens can unexpectedly adapt or cross species barriers. Centuries ago on Earth, industrial pollution led to a climate change which in turn caused previously isolated microorganisms to be released into the biosphere.

GARAK: Yes, you truly have an answer for everything.

JULIAN: It comes in handy. But I suspect you’re going somewhere with this so please, continue.

GARAK: Our research has found some… peculiarities in the viral RNA, and admittedly I don’t understand all of the specifics, but, to put it bluntly, the virus has been engineered. I’m sending you two images of the viral RNA we’ve discovered. The images are all that I can risk sending you now. If you can find the source, you may find a cure. Alternatively, if a cure was not developed… you can avenge my death.

JULIAN: Not currently one of my skill sets, Garak. But why the pretense? You could’ve told me this immediately- actually, don’t answer that. I’ll need some time to do an analysis of this to determine what might work to counteract the viral infection. Annoyingly, there is no systemic treatment that I can even begin to research without knowing the underlying cause. But over the last twenty-five years, you must’ve made all sorts of new enemies. According to the latest intelligence, the only dangerous political intrigue is coming out of the Romulan Empire these days.

GARAK: Yes, well, leading a government comes with its own risks, to be sure, Doctor. But why do they have to be new enemies? Of course the Romulans have never been great fans of mine – I mean I left their embassy’s grounds-keeping staff so many years ago. Oh, those poor orchids, they’ll never be the same. And there’s always Kai.

JULIAN: The Kai.

GARAK: Ah, Kira- Kira, dear Kira’s never been a fan of mine.

JULIAN: We both know that Nerys would have never worked this slowly if she wanted to kill you.

GARAK: [laughs]

JULIAN: And she would only kill you. But Nerys is hardly the same person since she left the militia to join the Vedek Assembly, and now that she’s the Kai, this level of genetic manipulation would have to accomplished by someone with intimate knowledge of the Cardassian physiology as well as the capacity to evade security of your medical system.

GARAK: Yes, although like I said, it is an internal Cardassian matter. I’m sure there are plenty of elder Cardassians who would enjoy watching my life come to an end from torture. Dukat’s father- I mean, uh… [laughs] to one kanar-induced tryst with the man himself, to finally becoming involved with Ziyal, and whatever else-

JULIAN: Wait- wait, wait, wait you- hang on, you- you and Dukat?

GARAK: Ooh, yes. Surprising, isn’t it? Yes, two nights, maybe, before my exile, I’d been feeling quite powerful. I wouldn’t have normally lowered my guard even among my fellow Cardassians. Dukat was enjoying his second bottle of kanar, was looking for someone to blame for his most recent failures to overcome the Bajoran resistance, and there I was. He promised my death from across Quark’s bar. Later that evening he found his way back to my table to apologize – uncharacteristic, absolutely, to be sure. But kanar can do that to a man. We stole away to a quiet corner on the second level to talk, and then we found our way to an unoccupied holosuite.

JULIAN: I don’t know what to say.

GARAK: Well, I don’t need to tell you, Doctor – it was an unplanned direction for my evening to take. And suffice to say it didn’t soften Dukat’s general opinion of me. [laughs] He did keep his distance for a long time afterward.

JULIAN: So, that story had a happy ending, if you’ll pardon the pun.

GARAK: Pun?

JULIAN: Uh, it- it’d be funny on Earth. Though tragic, too – sort of like a sad clown, really. Miles will love it.

GARAK: Doctor, could we perhaps find out what is slowly eating away at me before revealing my darkest secrets to Professor O’Brien over an ale.

JULIAN: Of course, of course. I think the first step is to cross-reference known immunogenic agents that could have been introduced into your system. Even if the virus is a new pathogen, its mode of infection could be a million different things. You should review your schedule and try and determine an environment over which your control was limited, a place where the food and drink could’ve been tampered with or perhaps a place where you could have been unexpectedly exposed to an air assault. But… about this dalliance with Dukat-

GARAK: Oh Doctor, please. Provincial human attitudes aside-

JULIAN: Of course.

GARAK: -your species didn’t always have synthehol, and every species seems to go through a period of poor choices. Believe it or not, Cardassians are a passionate people, a people who yearn to find joy wherever it may lie. And remember, that we were in the midst of a Bajoran occupation and there wasn’t much joy to be had for those of us assigned to Terok Nor. Decades later, my reforms are helping to shape a modern Cardassia.

JULIAN: Understood. Though I take exception to the word ‘provincial’.

GARAK: Oh, of course you do. Now, let me take a look at my agenda… According to my doctors, I could have been exposed more than a month ago.

JULIAN: A month? Well, you certainly waited long enough to contact me.

GARAK: Well, well we do have doctors on Cardassia, and I wouldn’t be much of a leader if I didn’t look to my own people before seeking outside assistance. However, I’m not naïve enough to trust them completely. And what kind of leader would I be if I did?

JULIAN: Fair enough. I need to get some biometric information, please, from you if I’m even to begin researching cures. Can you transport yourself to a hospital with proper scanning equipment that I can access?

GARAK: Oh dear, I- I- I can do better than that, Doctor. I can do better than that. My residence is equipped with some of the best holographic technology in the quadrant – what type of equipment do we need?

JULIAN: I didn’t realize Cardassia had made such strides in holography.

GARAK: Oh, the technology is Federation, actually. Cardassian engineers build wonderful ships, but their work with artificial intelligence isn’t what it should be. Political life has its perks – I even have an EMH.

JULIAN: Well can I talk to him?

GARAK: Doctor, he’s obviously offline during this crisis. We’re wasting time better spent on the issue at hand! Now shall we begin?

JULIAN: Alright. Well the first thing we’ll need is a standard biobed with-

GARAK: Doctor, doctor, wait- I’m detecting a coherent signal directed at your shuttle. Yes, the magnetic currents over the poles should’ve obscured your presence. We may have a problem.

JULIAN: Hang on, it looks like an encrypted subspace signal… but I can’t determine the origin. Stand by, I’m trying- it’s… it’s from Earth. Well, I think I’ve got it. One moment… Jake?

[fade to black]

[CREDITS]

[takadanobaba]

Jin Norizuki’s Birthday PriZoom 7/18/2021

Oh the things I do for Jin Norizuki

That was SUCH an experience. I had a lot of fun!! 

Main takeaway is that I am now acutely aware of when to YO in a song

(Okay so this is my first time attending a prizoom (or even any kinpri screening outside of Luna’s sss rabbit sessions!) so this is all entirely new to me and I can’t really compare it to much, but I figured that it’d be good to write up a report of sorts to fill in for Luna in a way!)

The prizooms are also accessible to everyone and don’t require any Japanese info confirmation!! If you’re interested in attending please go and support kinpri!!!

(Note: I think about Jin wayyyy too much and interpret them as nonbinary, so I use they/them pronouns for Jin. It’s just automatic for me at this point and feels weird otherwise haha so I’ll be doing that in this)

Jin is my all time favorite character and love of my life who I’m extremely delusional about so when a prizoom was announced for their birthday I went INSANE because I didn’t expect Jin’s birthday to be acknowledged AT ALL given how they’re usually excluded/treated like a side character (+ kinpri’s been putting out little to no content lately anyways....haha....). I was waiting in anticipation ever since it was announced (around June 6th) and even put in a time-off request for my work the day of its announcement just so I could attend!!!! ........ You can imagine my frustration at kinpri waiting until the very last minute to put out details about Jin’s prizoom ^^;

💙 💙 💙 💙 💙 💙 

Also!! I’m a complete ~ foreigner ~ and managed to get tickets perfectly fine with my American credit card (and putting in some very obviously Not-An-Actual-Resident-Of-Japan address info...)! So if anyone’s curious about attending a prizoom but worried about region-locking, it’s possible! Very possible! If you’re interested in it, please go! You don’t need to have a Japanese phone number/credit card/address/etc. to purchase PriZoom tickets on RakutenTicket! It’s such an experience! If you need any help buying tickets then I’d be more than happy to assist!! Please support the PriZoom screenings and help increase the demand for more kinpri content!!!!!!!!!!!! I will personally become a living prizoom advertisement

(Also if any kinpri staff find this: I’m sorry for not respecting rules this time but I just wanted to provide a detailed account of the prizoom event and encourage participation for other foreign fans! I won’t do this again!!!)

💙 💙 💙 💙 💙 💙 

I only attended the first and third showings (consisting of the first movie and Over the Sunshine!) because I wanted to see the new/not currently archived content (the second/pride the hero showing’s bonus was just Jin’s birthday video by Joji which I already revisit little too much ahaha). I also went to the chat-only rooms because I wasn’t very confident that I wouldn’t be awkward with my nonexistent cheering experience and intent to just observe what its like (despite knowing that the cheering rooms are more fun based on what Luna said haha). That, and I was planning on using the EXTREMELY OBNOXIOUS soundboard of ABSOLUTE CHAOS for everything since I have issues with voice dysphoria and figured it’d be good to stick to the room with that normalized as the one and only cheering method so participating would be a little less annoying to others, since we’d all have the same idea ^^;

I’m more active on twitter and follow/am mutuals with pretty much anybody who likes Jin enough to post about them, so it was cool seeing almost everyone there! At least half of them tweeted about this being their first prizoom haha. Jin’s birthday was also promoted as a good introduction to prizooms since the first showing was set at a price point of 718 yen instead of the usual 1,760 yen? So, lots of first timers attending! I guess most people had the same thought process as me about the whole insecure-about-not-being-used-to-proper-cheering/using-their-mic thing? Because most of my twitter following ended up in the chat-only rooms with me! Fun!

Also interesting how most people chose the male voice option for the cheering soundboard feature since there’s actually only 2 men who love Jin like that (I’m included in that number!!) in the Jin-obsessed twitter circle. I guess it was because it sounds kinda Joji-ish? and therefore fitting for an event dedicated to Jin! What with them being meant for each other and all.... Plus being Joji is just a fun way to play off having issues about using your own voice (I... project onto Joji a lot.)

👆 👆 👆

Okay I actually typed up all of the above during the second showing (since I wasn’t occupied attending that one) and everyone had the same train of thought and was definitely being Joji. You know that one “song” in Over the Sunshine- Glorious Schwarz- consisting of Joji just going wild infodumping for 3.5 minutes? Yeah EVERYONE who selected the male voice option was spamming 「おれもー！」/ “ME TOO!!!” during that (including me!). So it was like:

“I weighed 4646 grams at birth! ☆” 

“MMMMEMEEMEMMT MEE ME MEEE EMME ME   ME TOO M M ME TOO”

SO OBNOXIOUS. I LOVE IT. EVERYONE SHARING THE SAME BRAINCELL. THE JOJI BRAINCELL.

💙

The highlight of the prizoom  (in my opinion) was when some guy repeatedly hit よっ！/ YO! to the music in the first movie, which then led to everyone having a collective ~ Realization ~ 

After that happened, everybody joined in and started YO!-ing along in the other lives. Beautiful.

(Blurred recording of Dramatic Love and Showcase Night just so YO!u can see what I mean.)

(I only did those two to test screen recording after failing to archive the first Jin bonus while using the soundboard feature in the first showing, initially I didn’t intend to record anything but the bonuses and will not be doing that anymore. If you attend, don’t be like me or worse!!!! Please!! I’ll delete these if needed/after a few weeks. Also just wanted to mention that Koi no Royal Straight Flush is up there in Kinpri’s Most YO!-able songs)

I love this soundboard feature. Sounds like hell. Prizooms are truely a new form of art because of it. Amazing how cheering screenings have evolved over a pandemic. Music feels empty to me without the YO!s now. After this I ended up listening to the entire kinpri discography so I could determine the YO!ability of each song. Not sure if every prizoom is like that? But I really want to go to more showings just for the community experience! I’m morbidly curious as to how many people would try to YO! to Platonic Sword. I considered going to Rei’s because they’re showing Shiny Rose Stars, but I probably won’t though since money and sleep are things (They really should make tickets no more than 1,000 yen.... they’re zoom meetings with audio problems....THE AUDIO ISSUES ARE FUN THOUGH! YOU CAN SPAM “GANBATTE” WITH EVERYONE!!) Plus while I do like every kinpri character, none of the street boys are really my favorites and going to every showing regardless of character would be a lot. I assumed that I was only going to try attending Joji’s until they announced that they were gonna do something for Jin!! So if you want to see what it’s like PLEASE get tickets and experience it for yourself!! It’s so much more fun participating !!!! Relying on 1-2 people to post event summaries isn’t exactly consistent coverage of every prizoom either!

\ よっ！/      \ よっ！/      \ よっ！/

So much of this is a community experience that you just have to see for yourself! It’s really cool seeing people go all out for their favorites and just going wild. Notable participants include:

- Two separate people just working out the entire time (one of them doing “Prism Exercise” meaning very high effort full-body cheering and dancing? It was really impressive seeing them go all-out for such a long time!)

- Two (2!) Ai cosplayers!!! One attending the prizoom with a Jin cosplayer!!

- The lady who cosplayed Jin in their cute green pre-retirement prism star outfit WITH A HUGE JIN PUPPET IN THE SAME STYLE AS THE SHUFFLE PUPPETS IN THE STAGEPLAY!!!

- That one person who just had a Minato fish head on the entire time (?!)

- A Victoria cosplayer who showed off a really nice!! drawing of Jin they did during the participant showcase at the end of the screenings

- The person with a REALLY CUTE!!!!! homemade Jin plushie!!

- Two people who attended with 3D/vtuber style models of the Go Go Glorious! (YMT29 subunit) members: Noel Tokyo and Mikado Shibuya (who also had a model of Ai!)

- A really cute Joji vtuber model!

💙 💙 💙 💙 💙 💙

The bonuses were Jin’s birthday video from 2016 and a birthday message of sorts from Jin!

I actually didn’t manage to properly archive the first one as intended because things went horribly wrong so I ended up with nothing but just a terrible (said affectionately) little recording of the soundboard I linked earlier. But whatever I shouldn’t be doing that anyways. Hopefully kinpri includes that and the other prizoom bonuses in something later.... the thought of any content being stuck as lost media terrifies me. I don’t have a good enough memory or a high enough Japanese proficiency level to type it out but it wasn’t particularly analyzable or anything (telling that to myself to make me feel better about losing it). Just the usual Jin being dramatic and going on an evil monologue. Jin being evil ASMR. I lovingly burned another one of Jin’s evil laughs into my mind too so there’s that.

For the 3rd showing bonus however I did not fail though it’s arguably the less interesting bonus of the two since it’s unvoiced. I really love Jin’s voice. Big sexy. Actual dialogue is pretty similar to each other from what I’ve gathered (ending with one of Jin’s cute little アーーーッハッハッハッ！！！！！’s (the text effect for the unvoiced bonus was an appreciated detail!). 

(I’m not very confident in my ability to provide a good translation so I’ll just not embarrass myself)

“ AAAaAAaHAHAAHAAa ~ ! ! ! ! ! ! ! “

💙

Yes Jin I’ll support you in the future-!!! ヾ(>▽ <、 )

I’ll never not be obsessed but it’d still be nice to have more substantial content to gush about and do that with.... Kinpri come back and release an anime continuation.... give me the Jin plot development....kinpri come back my happiness is a little too reliant on you

After the showings you get an email asking for feedback which is cool! I’ve been waiting to complain about how 法月 is written as Noriduki instead of Norizuki for the longest time but I never had a chance until now haha. Makes it so painful for me to buy Jin merch. Also begged for an anime continuation. I wonder how much they take into account feedback? I guess I’ll see when/if they start writing Jin’s name how it’s supposed to be.

ANYWAYS

IF YOU WANT TO GO TO A PRIZOOM, DO IT!

Prism shows really are best experienced with a community!!! If you like kinpri it’s a GREAT OPPORTUNITY to experience what a cheering screening is like with the Japanese fanbase from the comfort of your very own home which is most likely nowhere near Japan!! Everyone should experience prism shows!!!! I have no regrets and I’m still so hyped from the prism sparkle!!!

ANYBODY CAN ATTEND AND BUY TICKETS EVEN WITHOUT JAPANESE INFORMATION!!!

 \\   GLORIOUS SCHWARZ!   //

[prettyinpymtech]

Did I Mention

Part 4

Series Masterlist

Poe Dameron x Princess!Reader

Summary: Poe refuses to agree with General Organa’s decision when she invites royalty to advise the Resistance. Despite his protests, Leia trusts him with her safety during an undercover mission. Maybe there’s a chance to change his misgivings of their new guest.

A/N: I cannot begin to express how much I appreciate all of the wonderful comments I’ve received so far! I’ve read each and every one and they always make me smile! I really do hope you like this chapter. As always, any and all feedback is greatly appreciated!

You normally never indulged in distractions.

The title of princess discouraged such impulses and you were disheartened to learn Poe was quite decided in entertaining any and all interruptions.

It wasn’t entirely bothersome, but it certainly was trying when you were prompted to return his focus on your task.

Arguments had, surprisingly, been less recurrent since your visit to Mila’s boutique and the sudden change did not go unnoticed. It was certainly strange to find him so agreeable, but you were far too busy to consider your newfound affections for the pilot.

You had devoted several minutes to arranging your hair in the refresher and another several applying your makeup. The preparations reminded you of your days in the palace and the exaggerated arrangements for your kingdom’s festivities, inspiring a familiar attachment to past memories. Your time as princess wasn’t particularly awful; there were plenty of memories you wished to revisit. 

Such fondness was quickly forgotten, however, when your datapad revealed a message from Leif.

Maybe he’s cancelled the visit altogether, you thought bitterly. It was a selfish notion, but there was no harm in allowing a glimmer of hope to reside.  

The alert was quickly followed by Poe’s voice from the other side of the door.

“Did he cancel?” he asked hopefully.

A small chuckle escaped your lips at his optimism. At least you weren’t alone in your dread.

“No, he just wanted to let me know how excited he is about tonight.” Then, revealing your outfit, you asked, “How do I look?”

Poe found it difficult to answer your question. How could he possibly describe your image, immersed in an emerald green gown?

You were met with silence.  

“That bad, huh?”

“I didn’t say that.”

“Then what’s wrong with it?”

“Nothing. I just-” There was a pause as Poe recollected his thoughts. It wasn’t simply your outfit that had caught him off guard. There was something very distracting about your appearance, though he realized that particular word now affected him differently than it had before.  “You look good.”

Good? Poe silently cursed himself. He had more than a dozen words prepared-stunning, divine, beautiful-and he had chosen the least remarkable of his choices.

Your laughter soon interrupted his hushed reprimand. Why was he suddenly so captivated by such a beautiful sound?

“You look good too,” you replied.

A faint blush crept along his face at your words, but he had no time to ponder its significance when you returned to your professional front. There was no time to waste and the meeting with Leif was soon approaching.

After ensuring all necessary weapons were concealed and all signals were considered in the event of suspicion, you found a taxi speeder operated by a kind Ithorian. He steered the hovercraft through traffic with relative ease, leaving Poe completely mesmerized with his skill.

An image of his wife rested on the craft’s console and, after realizing your destination, he confessed he was saving his credits to indulge her wish of visiting the Golden Crescent.

The trip was short and you both disembarked with gracious regard for the Ithorian’s ability. Poe could not hide his smile as he watched you give a far too generous amount of credits to the driver. He bowed his head in appreciation, grateful for the kind gesture.

Poe extended his arm once you returned to his side. “Shall we, princess?”

You nodded and followed him inside. Poe was not entirely fond of the planet’s commotion, but he was certainly captivated by the building in front of him.

The Golden Crescent towered above the city, with a golden ring encircling the top. The ring housed a lavish dining room with windows revealing a beautiful view of the city below. The space was only accessible by a lift and a man dressed in gold carefully guided you inside the transparent capsule.

It certainly offered a striking view, but it was not enough to calm your breathing as the lift ascended.

Poe, noting your troubled state, gently grabbed your hand. “Hey, are you okay?”

“Of course. Why wouldn’t I be?”

He arched his eyebrow in response. “I have a few friends that could scare off the senator if he starts giving you trouble.”

A faint smile played on your lips with the image of BB-8 chasing Leif. It was a fairly reassuring concept.

“It’s not just Leif I’m worried about.” You sighed, finally voicing your apprehension. “What if I can’t get the information Leia needs? She’s done so much for me and I’m afraid I’m only going to disappoint her.”

It certainly wasn’t a concern Poe found unreasonable. He had dedicated an entire lifetime to serving the people he admired most, and Leia was more than commendable for such a commitment.

“Leia trusts you,” he offered. “Not many people can say that.”

There was such genuine warmth in his voice that, for a moment, you couldn’t help but smile at his attempts to cheer you up. It quickly disappeared, however, when you focused your attention on your joined hands. You widened your eyes in concern and Poe feared he had made you uncomfortable when you pulled your hand out of his grasp.

“The ring!”

“What?”

“We’re engaged!” you cried. “I’m supposed to have a ring!”

It wasn’t a major concern and it could’ve easily been overlooked, but the predicament was enough to intensify your panic. Without a single word, Poe began to remove the necklace he wore underneath his blouse.  There was a sad smile when he presented the metal band that rested on the chain.

“What’s this?” you asked cautiously.

“My mom’s wedding ring.”

Stunned by the admission, you quickly realized the significance of the object. It was a simple piece, but it was entirely too precious to be placed in your care.  “No. I can’t.”

Your protests were silenced as Poe brought his hand to embrace your own. He was standing much closer than he had been moments before.

“I trust you,” he whispered.

You still remained unconvinced, but you couldn’t argue with Poe. Not when his voice held such genuine warmth and his smile illustrated pure kindness.

An idea suddenly occurred to Poe, however, when you reached forward and you were surprised to find his brown eyes filled with mischief.  

“Poe, what are­-” 

He dropped to his knee and, in a rather dramatic tone, asked, “Y/N L/N, will you do me the honor of becoming my wife?”

You rolled your eyes at his antics, smiling.

“I don’t know.” When you saw his exaggerated pout, you conceded. “Fine. I suppose you’ll have to do, Commander.”

“Good enough for me.”

All of the stress that had clouded your mind simply vanished when Poe pulled you closer, the corners of his eyes crinkled in utter delight. Such pure joy was a welcome respite for two Resistance spies and it would have been nothing short of pleasant for the instant to last for another minute or two.

The moment was cut short, however, when the doors opened. A familiar figure waited outside and it took every amount of strength to hide the bitterness in your voice.

“Leif.”

[desiraypark]

Drawing New Lines (I)

A continuation of DRAWING THE LINE

Characters: Kylo Ren x Tiffany (OC, Blk/F) Setting: Modern/Current Universe - comparable to an urban area in present-day U.S.A. Content: Knife TW/Gun TW | Intimidation; some strong language; anxiety/anxious thoughts (fear)

Let’s revisit...

The same evening Chelsea stopped by Tiffany’s apartment...

Tiffany rushed to the door, locked it, and rested her forehead against it. Then, she sank to the floor and sobbed. 

Her world spun around her at a dizzying pace. She was a mistress. The man she loved was married--and his wife didn’t care. She once was pregnant, then she wasn’t. The man who’d showered her with what she thought was love had wrapped his hands around her neck just 24 hours ago.

Her tears ceased and her vision began to clear. She got a look at her apartment. She was nowhere close to having everything packed. Kylo had a second key, possibly. Fuck! He still had an access card to the building. And how the fuck did Chelsea get access? Suddenly, she felt the fabric of her turtleneck against her skin. She rubbed her neck and her face burned, eyes about to flood again.  It was all too much.

Tiffany pulled herself off the floor and packed a duffle bag. She needed to clear her head in a location that didn’t have Kylo’s marks all over it--the TV he bought her; the jewelry. The memories of the various objects he fucked her on. 

With her purse over her shoulder, a duffel bag over the other, and a strong grip on her laptop bag, she stood in the elevator, watching the descending numbers light up. Why didn’t they play music on elevators anymore? The silence was deafening. Tiffany rode all the way down with no stops. She stepped out in the cool autumn air and watched the business of a metropolitan evening whizz by her.

She pulled her phone from her purse, ignored the text messages, and checked on her Uber. Five minutes away. She dropped the phone back in her purse and the movement of people a few yards away naturally caught her eye. A couple walked out of the deli beside her building. Then, behind them, was a familiar figure. She couldn’t remember his name, but she knew he was one of Kylo’s people. He stepped out of the deli with a sandwich and caught Tiffany’s stare. He looked down at her sides. Tiffany immediately turned around and stomped back into her building.

She cancelled her Uber. The ride up the elevator was taunting. Silent. The numbers above her head reminded her of things. Three...the number of rounds they went for her birthday back in May. Eight...the number of crab cakes she’d made when she told him she was pregnant. Ten...the number of fingers that were wrapped around her neck the evening before. She shook her head and pursed her lips, fighting back the impending tears.

Finally, the doors opened on the twelfth floor. Tiffany rushed off the elevator, got into her apartment and threw her purse and duffle bag on the floor. She threw the laptop on the sofa and screamed. Next, she threw herself across the sofa, buried her face in the throw pillow and screamed again. Anger rushed her blood like a charging band of soldiers. She rushed to her purse, retrieved her phone, and called Kylo. It rang three times, then went to voicemail.

Her blood began to boil. He’d texted and called her incessantly since she kicked him out, and now he wanted to make her wait. Now he was going to send her to voicemail? Nothing doing. She called him again, and this time, it went straight to voicemail. She texted him and went back to wetting her pillow with angry tears.

[Image Description: Generated iPhone conversation between Kylo and Tiffany.]

 At 1:20PM, Kylo texted Tiffany saying “Thinking about you. I love you.” At 3:29PM, he texted “Got something for you.” Then, he sent a message at 4:37PM saying “I love you.” Tiffany didn’t respond to any of these messages.

At 7:17PM--set during the entry’s “present time”, after Tiffany is sent to voicemail--Tiffany texted Kylo “TELL HIM TO LEAVE.” At 7:44PM, Kylo responds, “No.” Then, “Not until you talk to me.” Tiffany: “Fuck you. We have nothing to talk about. Kylo: Yes we do.  Kylo: I’ll be over in about two hours. Tiffany: Do not come over. Tiffany: I will call the police Kylo: Don’t be naive, Tiff. Kylo: I’ll be over. I still have the card to your building.

[End Image Description]

_____________

Knock, knock, knock.

Tiffany took a deep breath, moved client photos into their designated Dropbox folder, and walked through her apartment. Either Kylo didn’t have a key or he was pretending that he didn’t. She stopped in front of her kitchen, stepped onto the linoleum, and reached for her knife. His key was still on the half wall. She grabbed it and tossed it into the freezer.

Knock, knock, knock--he knocked harder. “Tiffany?!”

“I’m coming!” she shouted. She looked through the peephole, just to make sure, opened the door, and stepped back with the knife in her hand. Kylo smirked and closed the door behind him. A bouquet of white roses were in his hand.

“Have you forgotten that I carry a fuckin’ gun, Tiffany?” he asked, stepping toward her. She stepped backward, but he held out the flowers. Tiffany walked away and into the kitchen. She rested her hands against the sink and shook her head.

“Who the fuck do you think you are?” she asked, voice cracking.

Kylo walked to the half wall and placed the flowers on top. He noticed the scars on her neck and quickly looked back into her eyes.

“I’m sorry,” he said. He reached his hand out, but she stepped back. “It’ll never happen again.”

“You’re right it won’t.”

Kylo’s face tightened and he pursed his lips. Then, he rushed around the half wall and into the kitchen. Tiffany squealed and put the knife up, and Kylo stopped. He rolled his eyes.

“Put the fucking knife down, Tiffany!” he yelled at her. “I’m not a fuckin’ monster. I fuckin’ love you! I’m not gonna hurt you.”

Tiffany took in a deep breath and slowly lowered the knife. Then, Kylo held his hands up, revealing his gun in its holster. Her eyes fell to it. 

“I’ve got something for you, look,” he said. She looked back at his face as he went retrieved a little box from the pocket inside his jacket.

“I don’t care,” Tiffany said, letting the knife rise again. Kylo scoffed, stuffed the box back in his pocket and pulled out his gun. He pointed it at her.

“Put the fuckin’ knife down, Tiff,” he demanded. Tiffany chewed her lip and let her eyes well. Then, she put the knife down on the counter behind her. Kylo reached for her hand, yanked her close, and put the gun back in his holster. He held her waist and kissed her forehead. He created some space between them and pulled the box out of his pocket again. 

“You smell good,” he said.

Tiffany said nothing. She just looked down. But Kylo tilted her face up toward her by his chin. Before they fell, he wiped the tears from her eyes.

“I’ve got somethin’ for you,” he repeated.

He opened the box and revealed a gold ring. At its center was a sapphire and little diamonds surrounded it. 

“The jeweler said it once belonged to Padmé Amidala. That her parents gifted it to her on her 19th birthday.”

Tiffany stared at the ring but looked away. She felt a light touch against her fingers, then Kylo lifted her left hand. She pulled her hand away, but he grabbed it and pressed his thumb and index fingers down over the bone of her middle finger. She turned back to him and he stared into her eyes. Determined. Adamant. Then, he looked back down and slipped the ring onto her fourth finger.

“I don’t want this,” Tiffany whimpered.

“Yes, you do,” he said. “Look at it.”

Tiffany's glistening eyes fell from his and down to her left hand. She observed every glint and shimmer. It was beautiful. Very Padmé Amidala.

And she hated it. She hated it being on her ring finger. Kylo took her face in his palm and stared into her eyes. And her knees weakened. The warmth of his body shrouded her. His fingers melted into her skin. She leaned forward and kissed him. Then, he picked her up in a bridal carry and walked toward the bedroom.

“I can’t…” Tiffany whispered. “...I can’t have sex yet...” 

Kylo turned around and carried her to the living room. He sat on the sofa with her in his arms, cradling her. Tiffany buried her face into his leather jacket and cried. He leaned back onto the plush sofa and kissed her forehead.

“I’m sorry…” he whispered.

They sat together in silence for about five minutes. Five long and agonizing minutes.

“What did you and Chelsea talk about?” he finally asked.

Tiffany’s eyes widened. Her heart began to pound. But she swallowed.

“She...” 

“She what?” he asked sternly. 

Tiffany licked her lips and answered quickly. “She told me it was okay for us to be together.”

Kylo chuckled and tightened his grip on you. “Hmph.”

The wheels turned in Tiffany’s head. 

Was that the right response? Does Kylo know that Chelsea has always known about them? Did Chelsea REALLY want them together? Were they working together to kill her, or something?

Tiffany wiggled from Kylo’s arms and rose from the sofa. He peeled off his jacket as she went into the bedroom. 

“Where you goin’?” he asked. He turned on the television.

“I need to finish some work,” Tiffany mumbled.

Tiffany walked into the bedroom and felt herself about to cry again. She froze and squeezed her eyelids close--stopping the tears from falling. Then, she climbed onto her bed. Just as she sat down and awakened her laptop, Kylo walked into the bedroom, stretched out beside her, and snuggled as close as he could.

____________________ TAG LIST @aloneandsleepless​ @a-true-janian-reply​ @iamasithprincess​

[cyberstabbing]

Someone left a long and heart-felt message about THROAM to Anna Green on her curiouscat page and Anna replied with a long message as well. I’m pasting the text here so I don’t ever lose it:

May 1st, 2020

Anonymous: Part 1 of 2 — Hey Anna I followed THROAM back when I was heavy in the panic fandom; I would leave you these ridiculously long comments on lj and read your updates late into the night, when I knew my parents wouldn’t catch me. I was 15. Almost Famous was my favorite movie, Ryden was my otp, you were already my favorite fic author, and I loved nothing more than a long, developed, realism-based slowburn. When you started writing THROAM, it was like my dream fic had been dropped in my lap. I was so enthralled, so in awe of you, so appreciative of your craft. I remember those weeks between updates stretching seemingly endlessly. But I never resented the long waits; I re-read previous chapters, perused your other fics, and knew that you were taking the time because the time was worth it. Your attention to detail was unmatched. 

 I am now 25 years old now, with a master’s degree and a job. Nearly every 1-2 years of the past decade, I get a certain itch. And before I know it, I’m re-reading the anthology, page by page, just as consumed as I was the first time around. I find your dialogue and characterization so compelling that I often can’t help but quietly read the lines out loud to myself. Once I’ve picked it up, THROAM occupies much of my thoughts when I’m not actively reading it, and my nights stretch into the wee hours as I plow through the pages. I saved pdf versions of each volume long ago, but to also have the print copies on my shelf gives me such an enormous sense of relief. To know that whatever moves you make, whatever happens to lj or ao3 or the internet at large, I will still have my throam copies...that brings me joy. 

 I know that you have far outgrown this story, the role it played in your life, the time that you spent writing it, and the person you were back then. The thing is—so have I. It’s remarkable; I am not an active member of any fandoms and am a very different version of myself from the girl who followed this fic’s release. And the version of myself who re-read it my first year of college is a different person from the girl who re-read it as she started her first job. So many different lonely chapters of my life, always punctuated by a return to this old friend. Because of fic stigma, shame, and the whole panic at the disco + lots of explicit sex thing, I refrain from ever sharing the volumes with others, so it feels like I have this little, ever-expanding world of my own with THROAM. Such a huge part of my life, and nobody I know knows a thing about it. It’s special, really. (Cont’d)

pineconepickers: <3333 answer in the next one!

Anonymous: Part 2:  Some pages I can practically recite from memory, and yet others read as fresh and surprising each time around. I still feel the same frustration and pain, I’m still swept up by the allure of Ryan’s fame, the impressiveness of his talent, I’m still enthralled by the mad world of 70s rock, I still chuckle at R’s snarky internal monologue and shake my head at his deeply ego-centric world view, it the boys’ cowardices and braveries, at their spite and their bitterness and their love. I still feel the same flutter in my heart at some of the more tender scenes. I still smile softly when I notice the subtle shifts (messy and tentative) towards growth in Ryan’s character. I’m still shocked by just how invested I am in the many side characters, how fully rounded they all are. And it’s still the hottest sex I have ever, ever read. 

 I was an English major who now teaches English, and I have never had this kind of relationship with another text. Nothing has ever been so relentlessly revisitable, nothing ever nags at me if I go too long without re-reading, nothing consumes me quite like this, and few character dynamics have ever been quite so compelling. The 25 year old woman who had long shaken the fandom world feels so grateful to have been in the right place at the right time to have discovered this story. And I am eternally grateful to you for the care, effort, and absolute labor of love this story demanded. As an avid fic defender and devotee, you shifted my whole paradigm of what fic could be. This masterpiece set the bar impossibly high. Furthermore, thank you for continuing to make it accessible to fans old and new. 

Anyway, as I marvel at this fic’s everlasting effect and your writing’s power, I just had to say my piece. It’s been a decade since I last waxed poetic in full fangirl mode at you. Seemed like the time was ripe. 

Best and sincerely grateful,  C

pineconepickers: Hi, C! Wow I really did not expect to wake up to this and it's left me quite speechless, to be honest. First of all, I am so touched by this letter and would love to give you a hug, but social distancing and all that. ;) Then, to be consistent, tut tut to your minor self for reading explicit adult content - I have to say this because it is a line I feel ever more strongly about, but of course I too used to read adult fics when I was a minor, yada yada yada... And so often people grow up to be immensely embarrassed by what they enjoyed at 15 or 16, and I see a lot of that Shame Discourse around THROAM too, which, as its author, can make you think you just wrote a bad story that no one wants to admit they liked (although they all read it - it's complicated!). 

So, ten years on, it's great to hear that the story still compels you and that it has aged in a way that you still enjoy it. THROAM has had such a strange afterlife that I never could have predicted, both good and bad, and my own relationship with the work has grown increasingly complex over the years. You outgrow stories, as you rightly said, and you outgrow your own writing style, too, and become increasingly critical of your past efforts, alas - yet I still have an immense love for the story and its flaws, I can at a moment's notice see snow drifting down on a winter night in Bismarck or am blinded by California sun or taste the salt in the air on a beach in Maine like I never left. Fic will always be regarded as less than "real fiction" - throw in emo bands and sex and even more so. But what is wrong with fictional self-indulgence in a world that often gives you little? I haven't read THROAM cover to cover in years (it's SO LONG), partly out of worry what I'll find there of my self-perceived "bad writing", but I read snippets sometimes and there is still a pull to the story, for me, that I am relieved to find. 

I was around 25 when I finished the story - and thus the circle closes. It's hard for me now to fathom the years I spent on it, the sheer number of hours, days, weeks, months it took me to write. What was 23-25 year-old me doing! But she wrote it because she had the story and no other reason. Its afterlife and readership has completely surprised me, but I am glad I didn't know it when I was writing it or I'd never have managed to finish it! 

And so it warms me now, endlessly, that the story still has importance to you and that it has grown with you. It is especially lovely to hear when I myself have clearly detached myself from the story, somewhat - it really feels like the story doesn't belong to me anymore because it took on such a life of its own. So thank you for reminding me that I, too, should give the story more love than I do - and that not all that ages needs to be left behind. Much love <333

[wings-of-indigo]

So, Waitress is closing and Why I am Happy about that: An Exceedingly long essay Rant about Broadway

Look. Nobody's gonna read this, most likely, but it's 2 in the morning and my brain's been obsessing over Broadway (more than usual, anyway) since communing with my people at intensive this week. So, in the interest of getting some sleep before 8 hrs of dance and shitty high notes tomorrow, here goes.

I love classic, high-school-and-community standard musicals. I love new and experimental musicals. I love Disney film-to-stage musicals. I love institution musicals like Chorus Line, Cats, and Wicked; I even have a soft spot for Phantom. I am eagerly anticipating West Side Story next Christmas (seriously, I have a calander).

BUT.

As I said to one of my fellow dancers during post-class stretch (after noting his insane flexibilty and making yet another resolution to stretch more) I am Sick to GoDAMnEd DEATH of revivals, franchise adaptions, and restagings taking up the Broadway and greater theater markets.

I get why it's happening; I do. Musical theater, even shows that never make it out of Regional productions (Be More Chill, btw, I'm so proud of you bby :'-D ) are REALLY FREAKING EXPENSIVE, not just to stage, but also to develop. Broadway productions nowadays regularly go upwards of TENS OF MILLIONS OF DOLLARS in costs.

Those costs are more and more frequently being met through funding by large groups of wealthy investors, who can expect basically little to no return on that investment. Only a select few shows that make it to the Great White Way do well enough to turn a profit (let alone the kinds of numbers that Hamilton, DEH, and Wicked continue to make), and more and more shows are closing in defict or once they break even. (Coincidentally, this is probably why we're seeing more and more straight plays on Broadway, especially in limited engagements. They're quicker, cheaper, and still have the same level of prestige.)

It makes sense then to assume that a show linked to an already successful property has a better chance of reaching that break-even mark, or perhaps generating a small return, than a more original idea. It's a surer bet, and we've seen it a lot these past few seasons. Anastasia, Beetlejuice, Pretty Woman, Moulin Rouge, Mean Girls... we get it. We promise. Investors want some security in an extremely and notoriously insecure market before they're willing to lay out the dough.

I get it. Everybody gets it.

And, to be fair, some of those shows are and continue to be GOOD. Tony nominees and award winners, even. But here's the problem: it's boring.

And not because I know how Act 2 ends without getting spoilers on tumblr. Unless they're younger than ten, the population of Broadway-and-musicals fans generally has a good handle on where a show's relevant plotlines are going. It's really not the wanting to know the end that keeps your butt in your overpriced red velvet seat and your eyes on the stage. It's the score, the words, occasionally the choreography, and most importantly the magicians on, off, and backstage bringing those things to life in a new and interesting way.

The antithesis of this, then, is having to watch slavish recreation of iconic scenes, lines, and characters from iconic films, presented Onstage! (TM), now with Bonus Songs! for your reconsumption. (Yes, Pretty Woman, I'm looking at you.)

Hey, I love Pretty Woman the Movie, slightly dodgy messages about feminity aside. I love it as a movie, and I really don't need to watch the knock off version of it, even if it comes in a shiny Broadway package.

Anastasia, and Beetlejuice, on the other hand, work extrodinarily well as musicals because they are NOT carbon copies of the original, somehow miraculously transplanted onto the stage.

Ironically, musicals based on original ideas are actually some of the most successful and well reviewed recent productions. Hamilton, Dear Evan Hansen, Come From Away, and Hadestown this season are all original works, and well, look at them. (Fishy, huh? Coincidence, I think the fuck not.)

Recently I got to see The Prom on Broadway, the day after I saw Pretty Woman. The contrast between shows and my enjoyment of them was well defined. I couldn't look away from The Prom, despite many of the major story beats being as obvious as our Cheeto-in-Chief's spray tan. I and the entire rest of the theater were completely engaged by what was going on onstage, both comedically and dramatically. At Pretty Woman, I found myself checking the Playbill to see how many songs were left for me to make it through and anxiously comparing the size of my thighs to the dancers onstage to pass the time (ah, pre pro Body Issues, welcome back! We all thought you'd retired!)

Three guesses which show I'd choose to see again.

When I read that Waitress was closing, the first thing I did was panic and start marking pre January weekends where I would both be free and possibly have disposable income (I've never gotten to see the show, and frankly I would like too). My second reaction was, yes, to mourn the closure of a wonderful show, but it was mixed with hopeful anticipation. Waitress had a good long time in the sun, and just like a well lived life, eventually it must and should end. It's better, in my humble student opinion, to live with memories and cast albums (and regional productions) than the stodgy life of a show that's jealously clung to its Broadway berth through the tourist-and-date-night trade (*cough*Phantom*cough*). It's sort of like your 40 something mother taking selfies in booty shorts in an effort to prove she's still 'hip' and in her twenties. Cringe.

Ephemera is the nature of live performance, and probably part of its allure. And just like in the natural world, old things have to end so that new things can become. Waitress closing is a vital part of this cycle.

Broadway has a limited number of theaters. That's a hard and absolute fact. Maybe a quarter of them are effectively taken off the market for new shows by productions apparently cursed with immortality. Waitress has just opened up another spot both physically and creatively for a new project- hopefully something we haven't seen before- and I hope to God, Satan, and Sondheim that it doesn't get filled with another franchise spinoff, celebrity jukebox musical, or -Lin Miranda forbid - yet another revival.

Why the revival hate, though? Aren't revivals an major way to revisit the landmark and important musicals of the past and bring them to a new audience?

Well, yes. They are, especially when they're staged and presented with the emphasis on letting the music and words speak for themselves and giving the actors leeway to work with the material, without the typical levels of Broadway Extra (TM) and creative meddling from the producers. (The recent Lincoln Center staging of A Chorus Line is a good example of the stripped down style I'm talking about.) But even if they have their place, once again, revivals (while valuable and cool and all that) are Something We've Already Seen.

Let's take Newsies for example. A show with a huge fan base (mostly teen, mostly girls) who I frequently see wishing for a revival.

Now, I am a raging Newsies fan. Newsies is the show that got me started on attempting to make a profession out of dance and theater. I can sing both the OBC and Live albums back to front. I may or may not have had embarrassing crushes on certain cast and characters that I will take to my grave (I'll never tell and you'll never know, mwahhaha). So, do I love and worship ever iteration of this show? Yes. Do I wish I had been able to see either the Natl Tour or Broadway productions? Hell yes, with all my heart. Do I wish the Gatelli choreography was in any way accessible for me to learn? More than I want Broadway tickets to cost less than my soul, kidney, and hypothetical but unlikely first born combined.

But do I want a Broadway revival? Hell FUCKING No.

It's over, it's done, and it lives on in reinterpretation in regional and junior productions. Good. That, to be quite honest, is where it should belong.

It doesn't need to be rehashed on the biggest stages, and to be frank, neither do most of the ultra popular revivals that have been happening. (Yes, Ali Stoker is awesome and deserves the world, but Broadway does not need Oklahoma. If you need to see it that bad, go find a high school production somewhere. I recommend the midwest.) Broadway does not need 1776 (even though I am looking forward to it). Broadway does not need a Sweeney Todd revival (even though I want one like I want ice cream after suffering through jazz class in an un-air-conditioned studio on a 90 degree afternoon with no breeze. Seriously, I might be making sacrifices at my altar to this cause in the back of my closet).

Broadway needs musicals that are at least nominally original, and if not, come from something obscure enough (Kinky Boots, Waitress, Newsies) that they can make their own way. Barring that, investors, writers, and directors, please have the courage and decency to take established content in a new direction. Please, I'm begging you. I'd honestly-and-truly much rather sit through something that didn't try to shove the better version of itself down my throat even as it bored and annoyed me to tears. If I'm going to pay $80+ to sit through two hours of something terrible (and less engaging than my dancer body image issues) at least let me get my money's worth in unique horribleness.

[s-o-n-de-r]

Motion City Soundtrack’s legacy of grappling with mental health

In the current wave of band reunions, maybe the best offered is Minneapolis’ Motion City Soundtrack. 

Among the vast number of 2000s bands coming back into the limelight, some seem to be doing it for glory, some for fame or money, some just because of demand, but Motion City Soundtrack’s reunion just feels right, like a good gut feeling. 

This is ironic given the sweeping sense of neurotic over-thinking that much of Motion City Soundtrack’s music deals with. The band’s heralded breakthrough piece, 2005′s Commit This To Memory, is seasoned with all sorts of manic-depressive idiosyncrasies - even worse that singer/guitarist Justin Pierre generally doesn’t describe healthy ways of coping with it. Neuroticism starts from the first lines of the album (“Attractive Today” is destructively self-critical) and is relentless to the end, including one of the band’s hits, “Everything Is Alright,” which has Pierre tackling obsessive-compulsive tendencies and cataloging all the things in his life that require extreme existential energy to deal with. 

There’s also “L.G. FUAD” (Let’s Get Fucked Up And Die), a generational anthem akin to Blink 182’s “Adam’s Song” or All Time Low’s “Remembering Sunday,” but badly underrated. It’s a siren song for over thinkers, people stuck in their heads, and writers and creatives who feel compelled to observe and record the world but can’t actually let themselves live in it. It nails the neuroticism and self-destruction that comes with never being able to escape this condition. It echoes the sentiments of being constantly drawn inward but being jealous of those who don’t experience that; it’s bitter and self-aggrandizing and raw. It embraces destructive reliance on alcohol amidst manic highs and depressive lows, and by the end of the song, all you even get is a sad half-resolution (“I believe that I can overcome this and beat everything in the end / But I choose to abuse for the time being / Maybe I'll win, but for now I've decided to die.”)

Despite that, it feels comforting - Pierre lays out the struggle boldly and intimately. It’s not pleading, and it’s not “oooh look at me, I’m so deep and sad;” it gives a good opportunity for those with their own issues to not feel alone. Sometimes, this is all that matters: to know that there are people in this world who are in the same boat as you are, and maybe more than anything else, this is Motion City Soundtrack’s contribution to the music scene.

Commit This To Memory was one of the genre-defining moments of the mid-2000s, sitting with Taking Back Sunday’s Louder Now or All Time Low’s So Wrong, It’s Right. The band embodies the punk realites of being a outcast and fucked up, but with the neon vibrancy of mid-aughts MTV-era pop punk. One of their calling cards is the standout use of moog synth, a touch that could easily turn into shtick in the era. Even for the band, it can feel gimmicky at first glance, because it hits the ears in a sort of juvenile way, but the depth of the message overpowers this. And, fortunately for them, what separates Motion City Soundtrack from the trends of the era is the sense of resolve through all the neuroticism and casual substance use; it feels more reparative instead of angsty white boys flailing violently and causing collateral damage in the midst of “rock star” life. Pierre is suffering, but he desperately wants to find the strength and will to recover. He writes with pain, but it’s mostly his own pain - you generally don’t hear him lamenting about treating an ex poorly and begging for a second chance, or other such “neurotypical” entrappings of contemporary male music. This seems to be motivated by a sense of self awareness, which is ironically quite likely a driving force behind all the mental anguish of the music.

At the height of Motion City Soundtrack’s popular explosion, with the Vans Warped Tour still dominating summer and a seemingly inexhaustible supply of bands riding the coattails of pop punk’s invasion into mainstream radio, it was easy to be attracted to the band’s chaotic energy. After all, they have punk roots - musically, they’re frantic and fast, unpredictable and unhinged and loud and anthemic. They released Commit This To Memory’s follow up, Even If It Kills Me, then went major label (Columbia) for 2010’s My Dinosaur Life. The latter album saw Pierre being sardonic, but there were moments of hopeful change (“Her Words Destroyed My Planet”). By this point, Pierre had embraced sobriety for a few years (much of Commit This To Memory was written under the haze of alcohol) and was starting to make sense of the chaos in his head.

Eventually, though, there had to come an end. After My Dinosaur Life, there was Go (2013) and then Panic Stations in 2015, with the band calling it quits the next year. On Panic Stations, it feels like Pierre has made positive inroads into all of the noise in his head - you can tell he’s still struggling, but it feels like he exerts some control over the neurotic parts of his personality and has come to terms with how to live with them and his place in the world. He had also became a father by this point in the band’s career. About Panic Stations, he writes,

“It wasn’t until we started writing and recording Panic Stations that I finally found I could revisit old feelings and scenes from my life without being too affected by them. I had been working at this thing (Sobriety, Living in the moment, Self-love, Not being an asshole, etc…) for years and it was finally paying off.”

During their 2020 reunion show in Orlando, a couple things happened. First, no content from Go or Panic Stations made the set list. Second, they performed phenomenally. Pierre sounded good as ever, the synth was well-mixed, and the rhythm parts were nice and crunchy. Third, and perhaps most importantly, there was a sense of resolve over the struggles of the music, with Pierre taking moments between songs to address mental health issues directly with the crowd. Indeed, if you look at Pierre’s social media presence, he seems remarkably aware of the band’s legacy and how much his writing about mental health has helped fans get through their own demons, despite having worked hard to overcome the issues himself. 

Because that’s the thing about these band reunions: people change over time, and the struggles and challenges that drove us crazy in younger years are often bandaged up or even healed over time and things start to make sense, but with art, revisiting your earlier work will take you right back to it. This is not the same when a band is doing a 10-year anniversary tour of an album of saccharine songs about partying and hooking up because that music is surface level; there’s no trauma and strife to reach through time and pull you back in. Even more so, while bands will often, at some point, write about some kind of mental health issue, there are few that make it an integral part of their identity. But for these bands that do, coping with the issue becomes something bigger, and Motion City Soundtrack’s way of doing it is deeply vulnerable and existential. It’s accessible for people who feel fucked in the head and alone because of it, and for anyone who has suffered through mental issues, not feeling alone is important. This is critical for art, especially art that assuages fear and darkness and loneliness, because the undeniable reality is that music speaks a universal language and can ease real and threatening forces in our heads. This is Motion City Soundtrack’s legacy, because there are few that have stared at the issues in the face like they have.

Words and photos by Andrew Friedgen. Like this? Sonder is an independent music, travel and photography publication at sonderlife.com. Give us a follow here or at our Twitter, Instagram or Facebook for more content like this!

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[catdaddydef]

do not forget . (a) | one shot

 Im Jaebum x Reader

 Word Count: 2.6K

 Genre: Angst

 Inspo: Don't Forget

Authors Notes: It has been a very long time since I have put out story, so I am feel really excited and nervous about writing again. I have been revisiting old songs and have really connected with this particular one. Please enjoy!

 The muffle of an engine well past its years made its way down a snow-covered path. A couple sat in the backseat coddled within each other's arms. With the car’s heater attempting to mimic the air of summer and the soft aroma of steam escaping a cup of coffee, the small space inside that taxi cab was peaceful despite the frozen world that waited outside. With time being a jealous lover, memories can only last so long. You must face the cold along with the heat. Although, you can be selfish and lose track of time or hold onto it until it ceases to exist—however, you must not forget it.

-

“Drink,” a voice came from what felt like a far-off distance. A glass of muted coffee sat in front of you, slipping into bitterness each second that it stayed untouched.

“Hmmm….?” You replied in a sleepy manner. Drink: what kind of demand was that? With all the thoughts that filled your mind like a disposal for unwanted items, you have been faced with the impossible task of sorting through them all. You did not have time to enjoy the luxury of a coffee or anything else. This lack of normality led to your sluggish demeanor; an obvious sign of hazard to the one that was watching you with concern. Little did you know, that gaze was drifting away from you, just the same as yours had already done.

-

The morning woke covered in damp dew, but as the sun slowly emerged from its cold prison, a calm filled the beaten streets and the night sky sunk into the horizon. Snow falls just as it did years before, but this time it greets you with a different tune. Jaebum’s thoughts took a different course than yours and now you both were facing different intersections. Goals that you once placed on the table together had been swiped away, just like wind takes fallen moisture from the sore limbs of branches. You did not regret the words that you exchanged; whether they mimicked the ones written in love stories or matched the hazard signs that lined roads. What you had together, both beautiful and destructive, you would not let go of them. You dreamed that he would not let go of them either. As another winter day descended upon you, you could not help but feel how cold the world was as you faced it without him.

Streets once layered with a fresh coat of snow had been tainted with the tracks of the day—a clean white canvas was now stained with browns and footprints of sprinting travelers. You passed down those streets adding your own voice to the snowy mixture. As Jaebum marched down his new path, you knew you should do the same. With a deep breath that created a scene of winter in front of your eyes, you kept walking.

It was hard to let go of Jaebum. Even if you were trying to start a new life without him, you were still holding onto the support he supplied. He had noticed the distance consuming your relationship and tried to shower you with love, but when you did not reciprocate that same love, the message was left unheard. Soon though, his eyes drifted, losing hope for what had been and looked for another source of comfort. Once he left, you did not immediately notice his absence. Perhaps you were trying to keep him there in the background and work through the day as it always had been. However, it was the little things that would catch up to you: the early morning coffees, the warm embraces, the summer days, and the close nights. It was those things that you would begin to miss. Truly, these things were not what you were really missing, it was him.

Trying to block Jaebum from your thoughts, you set out on a walk to clear your mind. You recently found that taking the time to breath let your thoughts quiet down, leading more stability. Do not think about him and he will not affect you. This walk was meant to help store him away, clean him from your palate, nothing else. He would not linger on your mind anymore and neither would the thoughts that made him flee. You were getting better, but it was still a long mountain to climb.

The cold bit at your nose, sending shivers down your clothed, but you continued, taking in the sights around you. There were few people out on the streets. The weather posed a challenge that was perhaps too great to take on. Many street vendors were closed, and indoor stores expressed a message of warmth within their bright windows. Sounds of taxi cabs struggling through streets of snow and distant heaters buzzing with power filled your frozen ears—everything was affected by the cold. The world had to bend to mother nature’s mercy, yourself included. But there was one normality that appeared sane: on the corner of a busy intersection, a coffee stand offered a haven from the frozen tundra—and that is when it hit you: the familiar scent of morning coffee.

-

“It won’t kill you to take a sip,” Jaebum chuckled with a smile fixed on his lips. After a moment of debating whether his words held any truth, your eyes focused on the disappearing swirls trying to judge the content of the mixture. A slight warmth filled the palms of your hands as you brought the mug to your lips. Expecting a bitter taste, your tongue was greeted with sweet, sugary warmth: he had made it perfectly. “Trust me yet?” His smile soon melted into a slick grin as his words crooned from his mouth, marking his truth. You had always thought his smile was as welcoming as a summer day.

“Fine then, I trust you,” You mumbled in defeat, hiding your enthusiasm for the warm drink.

“Good, now don’t forget that.”

-

You shook off the memory, not wanting to linger on what had been. It was about the future now, not the past. As you stood at the corner waiting for the light to turn, it felt like the harsh smell of coffee was trying to suffocate you—not only literally, but also by clouding your mind with forbidden memories. You closed your eyes and focused your attention on the sharp, cold air, to try and dampen your other senses. While that task amounted to an unfound escape, what did allow you to flee from the tainted air was the street light granting you access across. As soon as you made it to the other side of the walk, you finally felt like you could breathe again. You continued your voyage.

Months of self-reflection after Jaebum’s departure rebuilt a different person. That newly constructed being held remnants of your former self, but a thick skin held back the faults that you once donned. You were always on the defense, not letting anyone in, and when you took back control of your life, everything was into account. There was no way you were going to be a victim to your own mind again. You wanted to be the one that rose from the ashes, a stronger person who would not let another sway them. You were not willing to go on another goose chase for the sake of others, you had to focus on your own. What had led to the strain in your relationship was your worry for those around you, and your inability to stabilize your own actions; there were so many voices that demanded something of you, making it so that you did not have time to cater to your own life, let alone the one that you and him were trying to build. You became lifeless to the tasks around you, a robot to the system that lacked personal thought—you were mentally dead.

The day trickled on without any direction from the sun for it was covered by a mass of clouds. No doubt that was a sign of upcoming snow, but that did not bother you. It was peaceful in this cold atmosphere, and despite the unfriendly weather, many hustled on by besides you. There were sights of smiling children unwillingly holding onto their parents’ hands, ready to dig into the snow around them. There were red nosed shoppers carrying busting bags beneath their arms. There were also people like you, facing the winter with no place to be. Some hopped into taxis and others dashed through the streets, all eager to escape the winter haze. You took them all in, reflecting on what little they could give you. Again, you stopped at a street light, and this time alongside a couple. Seeing their affectionate demeanor, you could conclude that they were infatuated with each other. They stood with their arms linked and their heads on each other’s shoulders. The man was obviously trying to warm up his partner, but it was an unsuccessful action because the cold kept on attacking. You nodded at them when they looked your way, but then returned to your secluded thoughts.

-

“Sometimes it is like you do not even recognize that I am here,” Jaebum mumbled under his breath, followed by a quick click of his tongue and a sharp sigh. The warmth of a summer day soaked through open windows, inviting in gleams of sunlight. The environment was screened for what felt like a scene out of a cheesy romance, but the aura that surrounded him and you was anything but—it was rather dreary. Cups of coffee and plates of untouched food were placed on the table in front of you, but no one was moving to devour them. Instead, you sat looking out the window, lost in your own thoughts. To you, this moment was natural. You were comfortable, but he found it unsettling for he was seeing something that you could not: he was awake while you were lost in thought. When his voice broke through your quiet sediment, you were left with only confusion.

“Did you say something?” You asked lazily. His face turned to yours with a slightly annoyed expression.

“What are we doing.”

“We’re eating.”

“No, no one is eating or saying anything.”

“Well, what do you want me to say then?”

“Something. Anything other than this silence. I feel like I’m going crazy. It’s like you aren’t even here anymore. I am not supposed to do this alone—you’ve changed, we’ve changed. It’s like time finally caught up to us…We’ve forgotten who we were...” He trailed off before his frustration could leak out fully, instead looking away. He let the silence consume the moment again. You remained speechless and continued to let your mind take over.

-

With all the thoughts that raced through your head, one would think that you would never forget about the love you shared, but you seemed to lose track of it. After Jaebum left, you had to deal with the question about why you had lost sight of your unity—where had you two gone wrong, and why weren’t you able to make it out together? It was simple. The answer was right in front of you, but you were blind to it for so long. You had lost your communication. You gave up on standing up for your love and instead decided to turn to comfort rather than challenge. Long days of demands from others and nights spent searching for answers to unrelated questions amounted to the separation. With the mindset that he would always be there, you had unintentionally left him instead. You grew distant, and he could not hold on any longer, eventually letting go. Maybe time was jealous.

A loud slam of a car door arose in the muffled air. You looked to the source of the sound and laid your eyes on a taxi hurrying away to its destination.

-

“I’m leaving… It will be cold soon,” Jaebum’s voice sounded with regret. “Remember to wear something warm… You always thought winter was too cold, and I won’t be there to warm you up…” It felt like he was talking to some far-off being. “I bought an extra package of coffee. It’s in its usual place... It’s not too hard to make…” He was leaving instructions for you. He was really leaving. Even with a clouded mind, you knew what was transpiring before you, and it shook you to your core. “It’s okay to forget… Let time take over and forget about me even though it may be hard… I’m not mad. It’s okay to be selfish. Do what is best for you… Do you trust me?” You were without anything to say, or rather, you could not muster the courage to say anything. He was right, you had forgotten. If you were yourself from another other time, you would know what to do and would beg him to stay—but now all you could mange was to sit back and watch him leave. It was not until he packed the last of his belongings inside a waiting taxi and left that you finally started to cry. The summer sky offered nothing but doubt.

-

“Taxi!” A voice shouted from behind you.

You could hear the fast pattering of feet, a sign that someone was rushing towards the freed cab. The shifting of bystanders and commotion stirred up an already unsettled environment, leading to many heads to turn their attention to the source of action. You instead watched the taxi flip on its open light and slowly inch away from the curb, a sight that brought up a familiar memory. The man from behind was not going to catch it in time. Something told you to run after the cab and grab the attention of the driver—to beg him to stay—but now it was going to be a stretch. Why would you do something like that? You were done doing things for others, right? This was your new mindset: worry about yourself and then worry about others—it was okay to be selfish. But as the seconds passed and the urge set in, you began to quicken your steps. Maybe you were reliving that moment. It was an impossible task, the driver was oblivious to the sounds of shouts and was only focused on what was in front of him, not behind. As you ran after the cab, you could hear the voice of the man from behind growing, but you did not notice the familiar tone. It was only when the cab turned out of sight that you slowed down, and the sounds of urgency halted. A deep guilt set in, something you thought you had forgotten. Letting out a deep breath that was accompanied by a small cloud, your frozen chest came alive with a rapidly beating heart. It was running a mile a minute; you could compare it to the first time you drank a whole pot of coffee by yourself, or a moment when you were embraced by the one you love—it was that kind of high. But even in that moment your heart suddenly stopped again.

“Thank you, you didn’t have to do that.” A voice came from what felt like a far-off distance—a far off memory. All around you the world went on as you had left it. The people trickled by and taxis made their way to their destinations. A coffee stand a few corners back handed out filled cups, and a couple warmed up in each other's arms. The world was functioning as a frozen jail, but it was still alive; it had not forgotten its purpose. But there you were in the midst of that frozen jail finally waking up, being brought back to the present by a friendly voice. You were remembering the time that you lost, the time that you had forgotten.

When you turned around to face the man from behind, you were met with a smile that was as warm as a summer day.

[witcheskin]

To the man I call ‘boss’

I remember the day we met like it was yesterday. You walked through the door and your presence engulfed the room, my body broke into a sweat and my heart began to race. You smiled at me as our eyes met and offered an apology.  You took a seat and I could feel your eyes boring into me and the heat rushing to my cheeks, but I plastered a smile on my face and kept talking. A mixture of thoughts flooded my mind. Instantly I was drawn to you, was it chemistry or was self-destruction? I felt a touch of arrogance and something that made me anxious and fearful and yet there was compassion. 

Fast forward to October.

You saw that I was struggling and you offered me what I believed to be a lifeline at the time, but I think you bit off more than you can chew. You knew I had problems, but you didn’t know how to deep. You only saw my surface and you thought you could manage the superficial layer long enough to get what you wanted from me. You said you wanted to mentor me, but you never expanded on what that meant and at the time I was still me. I was still in a good place mentally and I checked you on that bullshit because my intuition told me you had other things in mind and I said no. You looked taken back and you had to shake your head as if you were physically wiping the look off your face and discarding your emotion.

Time passes and I revisit the topic with you. My world is spiraling out of control, i’m oscillating mentally and i’m falling into the rabbit hole. I wanted something, I wanted someone. I needed hope and support and I forgot about the feelings when I was with you. The excitement, the fear, the anxiety and all I knew was that I felt you were the only one that was seeing me.  That you saw past my facade and saw how hard I was falling a part, but little did I know then that there was more to come. I still had a way down the rabbit hole.  You agreed to mentor me, but we never really spoke much on the subject until after you disappeared.

It’s December now.

I reached out to you on social media and sent you a friend request. I kept opening my chat several times a day and looking at your picture thinking of what to type to you, but everything seemed inadequate. I couldn’t find the words and so I would leave things as they were and I let you bridge the gap. What I thought was then an investment and acknowledgment now feels empty and like you were grasping at straws trying to find something to let me make a connection t o you and it didn’t take much for me to do so.  I sense you knew that already though, there’s something about your smile that feels warm and inviting, but there’s something to you that’s frightening. Regardless I took the bait and my honesty got the best of me. I opened up to you because I had no one else and I thought you believed me, I thought you cared about me. Even now I’m not sure. There’s a part of me that felt and saw the emotion in your face and could feel it engulfing me when we met in person, but I also question was what I felt real or was it the aftermath of extended emotional abuse? 

We’re out for lunch and you tell me about some work experiences and I feel like you’re masking the truth. Then I catch a glimpse of rage and my blood runs cold, you are just as dangerous as I first sensed, but then you swallow it and bury it deep inside you again and you are yourself. Calm, composed and warm again and somehow I find myself forgetting what I’ve just witnessed. I feel like i’m in a cloud. Always in a fog with you, what was it that I just saw? What did I wanted to say.

Were in your car and you ask me why I wanted to meet you out and I find myself speechless, I don’t know. I never know what I wanted to say to you. In reality I was afraid that if I told you the truth that you would turn out to be the man I feared you were. My actions never mattered much in this scenario. It was only ever about you and what you wanted. I cry, and this may be when you hug me or try to kiss me. I don’t remember. I wanted it and I hated. Wanted it and I feared it. Wanted you, hated you and feared you. 

January we met in a house you were fixing up. It was like you forgot you had invited me, if you wanted me so badly why did I have to text you to make sure we still had plans? I arrived and you never came to the door, you didn’t even have your phone on you. I walked into a place I had never been and stopped to take it all in. I hear your music streaming from your phone and noise off in the distance. I walk to your phone to turn off the music but i can’t access your device. I scan searching for you and decide you must be upstairs. I climb up the staircase you’re sweeping the floor and your back is turned to me. I remain quiet and just stare at you. There’s something pleasant about this moment, maybe because when you’re back is turned to me you’re not threatening. You’re vulnerable. After a few minutes pass you turn and see me and you’re startled and jump back. You didn’t hold still, just kept moving from room to room. Hardly talking, but occasionally making small talk. I couldn’t tell if you wanted to talk and for me to listen or if you wanted me to, but one thing is certain you couldn’t stand the silence.  I follow you from room to room like a lost puppy, the theme of our relationship. A power struggle I had no chance of winning.  Time passes we’re sitting on the stairwell, you had planned for me to make the first move and had anticipated me knowing what I wanted and I was never certain. I wrestled with my intuition while drowning in my mental illness and clinging to the idea that you were my white knight on shinning armor when you were another dragon I needed to slay. Unfortunately, I never listened to myself.

 You bent me over the counter and fucked me from behind.  There were a lot of superficial thoughts. Time passes and once you’ve finished I feel content and whole for a brief period, however after several minutes the euphoria subsides and my mania kicks in. I wanted more of everything, but you put a wall up and I convinced myself that you did it because you cared about me and you didn’t want me to hurt and that maybe had we both been in different places in life it would have worked out. 

I’m surprised I didn’t choke on all the bullshit I fed myself over those months, but oh no, this journey isn’t over yet. That was January, let’s go to April. 

In April I’m still starving for your attention and I send you some explicit photos to get your attention. I sent them during the “safe time” you had previously told me about, however you daughter has your phone and sees them. Time passes and I don’t remember how much now, it felt like an eternity then, but you didn’t respond and when I reached out to you I offered numerous apologies and took ownership for the mishap and pulled away from you thinking of how I had hurt your relationship and caused turmoil in your life, but you never did reach out to me..I always had to be the one after the initial contact. Why was that? Did I not live up to your expectation? I wasn’t any fun after we fucked the first time? Maybe all of the above and more..and maybe just maybe you never cared where it came from, maybe you just went through a list.

In May we’re supposed to meet for the second time, I lost track of how many “second times” this would have been, but I was still dangling on the string you wrapped around me. I told you about the progress I had made in my career and you seemed please on the surface, but my gut told me you didn’t care..it was all becoming clear and I knew I couldn’t keep lying to myself longer. The last chance I decided would be this day, but you never told me in advance whether or not you’d have to cancel and your cop out this time was something you’d know in advance. The fifth of May I deleted you off social media and blocked you. Archived our messages and removed your number from my phone...Phone, weird..you never asked for my new number, but you cared about me right? You cared about me but your motivational speeches literally stopped after our first series of text messages. If I wanted anything from you I had to beg you for it. Any time I questioned the power dynamic you blew me off....

It’s August now and we haven’t had contact and it’s still hard. It’s hard because I have to exist in the same physical space we once shared. It’s difficult because there’s a part of me that still wants you despite knowing I shouldn’t and that conflict is awful. It’s difficult because in the brief time we were together my mind became conditioned to think of you any time I struggled, you were my safety net..and some days you still are. These memories..the ones i’ve shared above and the ones i’ve kept to myself aren’t as vivid most days. Your image is fading and your imprint on my soul fades with it as well. I’m doing better without you and I never needed you and I knew that all along, I needed to trust myself because all along my journey were so many warning signs. It’s hard because I let myself feel safe in that fact that I could see you on my blocked list and had some odd connection to you, because you were there, but you weren’t...you were tucked away in a box for safe keeping and occasionally I could peer in and still find you, still see you, but now you’re gone and the panic set in..because you were missing and I felt a part of me was missing too, but you can fucking keep that broken part of me. I never want to see her again. 

So to the man I call ‘boss’, I love you, I hate you. I fear you, I want you. I resent you and I am grateful for you. In the pain you gave me I found myself again. 

To anyone that reads this and reads it in it’s entirety, thank you. This was difficult to write and even my words fall short in comparison to the memories that replay in my mind..I wish I could take you all into the space in my head where these exist...I wanted to write it to help release him and all the conflicting thoughts I have. I wanted to find acceptance, compassion and love for myself in myself and not in him or anyone else anymore and I have. So Thank you. 

And to myself,

It’s okay to feel conflicted about him yesterday, today and tomorrow. There were actually good things he did for me and for others, but there were also a lot of fucked up shit he did to me and that’s not okay. The point is we’re all human and complex and I need to breathe and embrace life and let all this pain go with this post. I am getting better and tomorrow I will be even better than I was today. 

[thisaintascenereviews]

Album Review by Bradley Christensen Fall Out Boy – M A N I A Record Label: Island / DCD2 Release Date: January 19 2018

Throughout my eleven years being a music fan, no other band has meant more to me than Fall Out Boy has or ever will. I have such a strange relationship with them, because they’re a band that’s been there since the very beginning. Their third album, 2007’s Infinity On High, is the album that got me into music, so if it weren’t for Fall Out Boy, I wouldn’t be here right now. Our relationship has always been symbiotic, because just as much as I’ve grown with them, they’ve also grown up with me. I’m not the same person I was when I first got into music, and my music taste is nowhere near the same as it once was. Fall Out Boy is not the same band they were all of those years ago, and their sound is nowhere near the same as it once was. This band has been a major staple in my life throughout these last eleven years. I don’t even mean that in terms of my music taste, but they’ve been there for me during a lot of the worst times of my life. When Infinity On High came out, part of why I resonated with it was that it was an album that made me feel less alone. The other album that means a hell of a lot to me is 2015’s American Beauty / American Psycho. This LP came out at the end of that relationship, and I was almost not going to listen to the album, because that person and I both loved the band, so I felt like I couldn’t listen to them anymore without feeling negatively. Revisiting Infinity On High, however, made me remember how much the band means to me otherwise, and how no one can take away those prior memories of discovering this LP at Target when it came out, ultimately falling in love with music for the first time. American Beauty / American Psycho was an album that represented moving on, because I was finally free from someone that hurt me, abused me, and treated me terribly for so long. I have a strange relationship with Fall Out Boy, because it seems like their albums come out during the right time for me. American Beauty / American Psycho was an album that I needed to hear, because it not only helped me through that awful mess, but it was an album that reinvigorated my love for Fall Out Boy.

Here we are a few years later, and we’ve been gifted with their seventh album, M A N I A. This album has an interesting history behind it, too, because it was supposed to come out in September of last year, but the band delayed it. They weren’t happy with the songs on it, and only two songs from the original vision for the album remained – “Young And Menace” and “Champion.” It worked out that the album came out when it did, because I’m at a whole new chapter in my life. It’s amazing how things can change in the span of a few years, because I went from being utterly devastated and heartbroken to being in the best relationship that I’ve ever had. I met my girlfriend around September of last year, right when the album was supposed to come out, but to keep a long short, she’s the best thing to ever happen to me and I’m absolutely in love with her. Even before its release, however, M A N I A meant a lot to me. American Beauty / American Psycho represented moving on and looking to the future, but M A N I A represents truly being happy. Not only am I truly happy, especially because I finally found someone that truly loves me, cares about me, and respects me, but the band is also truly happy. They started to experiment more with American Beauty / American Psycho, but they truly do it here, and in that sense, I feel like Fall Out Boy has never felt happier with their sound and what they’re doing. It’s an album that represents the same thing for me, and it’s honestly amazing to truly be excited for a new album from these guys. I was definitely excited for American Beauty / American Psycho, but at the same time, I was only excited for the last week before its release. I’ve been excited for M A N I A for the last few years, and everything that’s happened in the last few months, especially with meeting my girlfriend, it feels great to genuinely be excited for this album.

I know that this review doesn’t necessarily read like a review, because I’m not talking about the music itself, but there’s a reason for that. I wanted to focus a bit more on the meaning behind this LP for me, because it’s a personal album for me, as well as the band, obviously. This album means a lot to me, and I wanted to talk about that before I talked about the album itself, because there’s a lot to unpack. I’ll be frank, folks – M A N I A’s great. I love it. I know a lot of people, especially those that grew up with the first few albums, and all of that stuff, don’t like this record, and they think they “sold out,” as well as all that other nonsense, but the band sounds amazing on this album. This record’s on par with Infinity On High, but more specifically, it’s for its experimentation and scattershot sound. I don’t know about its quality, but there’s something to be said about how Infinity On High is my favorite album from them, partially because it’s their most and experimental. Time will tell, though, but in the meantime, this album is awesome. This album is definitely more pop than anything else, but I don’t see that as a bad thing. They never “sold out,” and they’re definitely the most confident and happiest they’ve ever been as a band, which shows in the music itself. A lot of people were very turned off with “Young And Menace,” the lead single from the album, and I understand that, because it’s a weird EDM-ish song, but it’s a really cool and weird song that has its own feel to it. It opens up the digital tracklisting of the album, and yeah, the album actually has two different tracklistings. If you buy the digital copy, there’s one tracklisting, but the physical CD has the same songs on it, just in a different order. I’ve only heard the digital one, but I wouldn’t mind listening to the psychical CD tracklisting. I feel like the digital is better, only because “Young And Menace” is a perfect opening song. It represents how you don’t know what to expect when playing this album. This album truly is scattershot, but that doesn’t ever become an issue to me.

This album’s definitely their “poppiest,” I guess you could say, but that doesn’t bother me one bit. “Pop” is not a dirty word in music, especially when this album is one of their most experimental. This sounds a lot like the sequel to vocalist Patrick Stump’s 2011 solo LP, Soul Punk, and not in the sense that Fall Out Boy is a Patrick Stump solo project, or anything like that, but that album’s sound was rooted in pop, R&B, soul, funk, and electronic music, much like this one. “Young And Menace” is an EDM track at its core, but the next track, “Stay Frosty Royal Milk Tea” is an R&B-laced track, whereas “Church” has a gospel-tinged sound to it, and “Heaven’s Gate” is pretty much Fall Out Boy’s first foray into outright soul music. There’s a lot of experimentation here, and it all depends on how you feel about these styles, or how you feel about the band itself, as well as how they’ve gone into a more mainstream-accessible direction. Personally, I’m all for it, because there are plenty of great hooks throughout this record. Stump’s vocals are amazing on this album, and I’m surprised at how he keeps getting better and better throughout his career, but he does. The songs themselves are a bit more simplistic this time around, at least in terms of their structures, so this LP is really short, not even 40 minutes long. It’s a bit over 35 minutes long, making it their shortest album to date, but that works to its advantages. It makes the experimentation a bit easier to take in, especially if you’re not used to it or even all that into it. Not to mention, the lyrics are a bit more repetitive and simplistic on this record, which doesn’t really bother me, because the lyrics have a lot of potent and interesting messages and ideas within them, such as “The Last Of The Real Ones,” “Church,” “Wilson (Expensive Mistakes),” “Heaven’s Gate,” and a few more. There are a lot of little lyrical nuggets that stick out throughout the album, and while they are more repetitive, so certain lyrics will stick out more, bassist / lyricist Pete Wentz’s writing is still interesting and tongue-in-cheek, so I can’t say I haven’t any complaints with the lyrics whatsoever.

All in all, M A N I A’s a great record and I’m not ashamed to admit that. Why would I be? I love it. I’ve been excited about it for years now, even before it came to fruition, but it’s what I was hoping for. I want them to explore more facets of pop music, and even just styles of music in general that they wanted to experiment with. That’s what this album is – an experiment. People are calling it a “mixtape,” and I’m like, “Why?” I understand why people don’t like this album. I get it. It’s not that I don’t get why people aren’t into it, especially fans that prefer their more pop-punk side (and that’s totally understandable all in itself), but my issues lie with the entitled fans that never want them to change or think they sold out, merely for going to a pop-based sound. They didn’t. I hate that Fall Out Boy has gotten this bad reputation over the last ten years, especially within the last five, when they came back from their hiatus, but what can you do? It seems like a lot of people love this album, and even then, nothing is going to prevent me from loving this LP, so I’m going to praise it to the moon and back. It’s a wonderful album that shows how experimental, interesting, and confident this band still is. It’s all that I’ve hoped for and a bit more, too, because I didn’t think the album would be so experimental, but it is. There’s a lot happening on this album, and as someone that’s very big into pop music, someone that’s enjoyed the last couple of Fall Out Boy albums, and even really enjoyed Stump’s solo material, especially Soul Punk, I’m totally into this record. The meaning itself is something that elevates this album already, because it’s an album that feels like was worth the wait. I’ve been truly excited about this, and it’s the first Fall Out Boy album that I’ve been excited about in a long time, as well as an album that represents happiness. This album came out at a perfect time, but not a negative time. While American Beauty / American Psycho came out when I was reeling from the aftermath of a breakup, this one came out during the middle of the best thing to ever happen to me. Fall Out Boy get to be apart of that, even if it’s in the most indirect way, but being able to start off the new year with an album from my favorite band, as well as my favorite person, is absolutely amazing to me.

[chambers-of-my-mind]

Coming of Age Issues Among The Digital Generation

SON, You Millennials have it too easy, you are ungrateful for having it all and still not being satisfied with what you have.

Don’t you look at how easily accessible is the sea of knowledge to you in form Youtube and Google.

You should be obliged because son, what you get with just a click, we had to search the whole library logs for it.

You have pool of jobs and vast career options but it was only a matter of pride if you had a degree in medicine and engineering.

Oh and the females in this generation are just being too whiny in the name of feminism. You have got much more than what our generation could only imagine.

You talk about food and hygeine like you are the ones suffering, we had it worse by growing our own food and making sure of its cleanliness.

You have your personal records saved even to the precision of hours n minutes, in form of google drives and facebook memories. We never had this opportunity to lock those memories to revisit them.

Your friends are just one call/text message/email and even picture and video away from you but we had to travel through time and distance to reunite with ours.

You have all the more technological stuff that just have made life easier and lazier for you but when we were young we were made to fight wars for our countries.

But wait did I hear it right the other night you were screaming and crying of depression and anxiety.

YES grandpa, if you really want to talk about the psychological shit we are going through then be all ears because the reality of our loneliness may even put you in to tears.

We do have most of the things that come easy to us; we may even were born with silver spoons in our mouths. That is exactly why we are finding hard to be satisfied with the little joys of life

The wealth of knowledge exactly only comes from Youtube and Google then why the hell are we suffering from the student loans and being crushed by tye tution fees ?

Oh and listen old man we are too much grateful for these clickbaits and the newsfeed shit we feed are empty souls with because thats what how lives should be spent!?!?!?

The jobs and careers we have has made us even more robotic and lonely. We are filling in the voids in our lives by additional work and jobs in hopes that we will devour them to satisfy our starved selves.

The females do have it worse because they are being faced by the constant psychological, emotional , verbal and physical trauma. The media you so fancy is making its turn for the worst, they tell you what to wear how to wear, what to look like and the critiques go so judgmental that some of us end up locked in our rooms.

You think instagram and facebook likes and memories makes us some superior creatures? But in fact, they are the cause of our anxieties.

Seeing oour companions doing better, having better and having more luxuries than us make the unintentional envious environment.

So you see old man we are not in touch with our friends through social media but in a constant reality game show where you have to keep doing and showing better than your rivals.

Wanna hear more of our psychological distress??.

You are definitely right. We should be satisfied with all the advancements around us but to tell you the truth grandma these technologies highlight our loneliness more and more.

The emptiness is gnawing us from the inside. We are desperately trying to reach for our companions and friends and then stop in the tracks with the realization that they may have their own worries.

The hurt, the emptiness, the helplessness, and the disparity is all keeping us hostage in our own bodies.

We have the digital world to show case our best fronts but sadly the reality behind the screens of our devices show us the horrendous side of our world.

I dont know how to make you understand pa but if you see through our eyes you may see that yours was a satisfied generation but ours is just too confused, lost and depressed to appreciate and enjoy what we have.

[utopianparadoxist]

Fearful Heart

[Author’s Note: This is a repost of Love, Faith and Fantasy–my piece on Jake and Dirk’s character arcs and the relevance of Knights and Pages in understanding them. I thought breaking it up into chunks would make the content more accessible, and give me room to flesh out each argument. Thus there will be some updates to the content. Hopefully this will mean more people can easily approach it!]

[Pt. 1 - Knights/Pages - Service and Ownage] [Pt. 2 - Faith and Fear] [Pt. 4 - Noble] [Pt. 5 - As You Wish] 

So we’ve established that Jake-- as a Page of Hope, the Active Serve Class-- has a well-grounded and consistent habit of being self-serving by choosing to believe whatever is easiest for him in face of clear evidence to the contrary. 

We’ve also established Jake has a habit of inspiring his friends into helping him, or outright asking them to--often while talking up his friendships and making attempts to make them feel good about themselves, stressing how much he believes in and appreciates them.

So now let’s revisit his relationship with Dirk, and try and see if understanding this changes the core conflict between them. Fandom commonly understands this conflict as being about Dirk being willing to push his high standards and agenda onto Jake, to Jake’s detriment. I believe the reality is more complicated, and also more satisfying.

So how does the Prince of Heart feel about his Page, exactly?

Let’s find out. 

We get exactly one pesterlog with Dirk and Jake, and in my opinion, it is the single best pesterlog in the entire story of Homestuck. 

For those who need a refresher: The log I will be quoting from is a memory from Jake’s 13th birthday, the day Dirk sent him the Brobot and confessed to being from the future. I think it’s a lot more indicative of their relationship than any logs between Jake and the AR, or anything Brain Ghost Dirk says, for a simple reason:

This is Jake and Dirk actually talking to each other. No proxies. And this is what Jake’s mind remembers and calls back to after spending his entire session up to that point...trying to reach Dirk. 

And it’s only after Jake remembers that he’s dreaming that Brain Ghost Dirk adopts the sassier approach--which Jake says reminds him specifically of Hal, not Dirk himself. Jake personally draws a distinction between them. 

The first thing worth pointing out is that Dirk doesn’t buy Jake’s Hothead Adventurer persona at all. Don’t get me wrong--Dirk takes Jake at his word when Jake talks about liking adventure and fighting and all of his interests, but when Jake tries to talk himself down intelligence-wise, Dirk flips his rhetoric to compliment him.

And when he brings up Rose’s book series, Dirk opens by asking if Jake’s read it. When Jake dodges and tries to lean on not being able to understand it (and asks Dirk to help him keep the secret--more of his hiding stuff to spare people’s feelings), Dirk ignores the comment and launches into a diatribe on the book’s underlying themes--knowing Jake will follow every word of it.

This perception into Jake’s true nature links into Dirk’s role as a Heart player--Nepeta similarly saw right through Karkat’s angry bluster and unpleasantness into the deeply emotional and gooey Heart underneath.

And when Jake leans on his dumb (and coded straight) adventurer’s persona to deliberately avoid letting his conversation with Dirk skirt too close to gay territory...

Dirk actually snaps at him, coming off pretty critical. It’s important to note this conversation takes place while Dirk is in the process of sending Jake the Brobot, a project he’s worked on for months and which we learn was meant to be a romantic gesture on Dirk’s part, judging by the ‘tender’ comments. So it’s safe to assume the dude’s got romantic thoughts on his mind right now.

And fairly intense ones, too: The Hal describes his memories about feeling for Jake as ‘heavily arresting’ periods of remembering ‘conflicted, incipient preteen episodes’ on the subject. This tells us that the episodes were getting started before Dirk was 13, that they involved conflicting emotions, and that they were intense enough that Hal is still essentially prey to them at times--even removed from their original biological context.

Understanding how much Dirk is thinking about romance here gives this log an entirely different tone, especially because he brings up sexuality again soon after snapping at Jake, only to once more be shut down--and with Jake taking ‘gay’ as a mean-spirited pejorative, no less.

Soon after that, Jake says something that could be read as flirty and Dirk immediately jumps on it, escalating things to thinking about actual physical proximity. When Jake points it out, Dirk gets flustered and quickly changes the subject. He then starts talking DOWN how capable he is--a sharp contrast from later Dirk talking himself up in front of Jane. They talk some more, the conversation turns to Dirk doubting his own ability to make the AR, and...

The first is that Jake explicitly notes that he appreciates Dirk being helpful--being of service. The second is that Dirk is clearly and transparently moved. 

Dirk’s denizen is Yaldabaoth--an intrinsically evil Creator God--, and his issues center entirely around believing he’s in some way inherently bad or damaging to his friends. 

No surprise, then, that he’s drawn to Jake specifically because Jake has faith in him as someone who can do good. This moment of confidence--Jake appreciating Dirk’s help and confiding his faith in Dirk’s ability to do what he’s set his mind to--leads directly to the creation of the AR. 

It also happens to be the moment Jake and Dirk come the closest to just admitting their feelings for each other.  Alas, it veers off into the future talk. 

Jake believing him about the circumstance of his life is important to Dirk, too--much as Jane NOT believing Roxy is important to her. 

So much so that the moment reverberates three years later, as Jake dreams about it, through Brain Ghost Dirk delivering a line that is actually unique enough to jar Jake out of the memory--essentially, Dirk’s feelings slipping through the Ghost to wake Jake up to his reality:

Brain Ghost Dirk implies Dirk thinks Jake’s faith is impressive, further undercutting the less relevant reasons Dirk gives Jane for letting Hal hassle him. 

So this could be one of the most moving things Jake ever says to Dirk, and it comes at a time when his emotions and romantic feelings are already running high. Which makes it a real shame what happens next.

Jake reacts horribly to the Brobot’s design... 

...Which Dirk responds to with a question. Jake spends most of his life up until now talking up his love of fights, challenges and adventure, so Dirk asks for clarification. He then asks Jake to trust him, trying to sell the idea--but Jake makes it pretty clear he dislikes it.

Which is why I really can’t parse him changing the subject as some cold-blooded act of manipulation. This conversation has been a rollercoaster for Dirk--he’s been built up, torn down, and sent a ton of mixed messages. 

The big romantic overture he had planned blew up in his face, and he can’t really do anything to fix it without exposing Jake to the danger of the monsters again. Dirk wants to be done by this point, I think, and I would be too.

And the tragedy is? I don’t buy that this was Dirk imposing some Training Program on Jake out of his personal perspective that Jake needs to improve. At this point, I’d need a strong argument to convince me of the reading. It leaves too big a plot hole, and there’s a more obvious canonical explanation for it anyway.

Because if Dirk was willing to unilaterally impose training on Jake because he needed to be stronger, then it begs the question: 

Why not the same functionality for Jane? Are we putting it down to some completely canonically unaddressed misogyny? Jane is in as much danger as any of them, and far more unprepared. If he felt that strongly and was that willing to control, does it really make sense to think he’d stop short of training her personally to ensure their success?

Consider the alternative possibility: 

That when trying to romance his best friend, Dirk approached the situation logically. Jake talks about loving adventure all the goddamn time. Dirk knows he doesn’t actually do any adventures. 

But he believes Jake that he wants to. And he wants to be helpful for two reasons, one being winning Jake’s appreciation and romantic affections. The second we’ll talk about later. 

The solution? Simple.

Set up an elaborate scenario in which Jake can experience all the adventure he wants--while also keeping him safe from monsters. Essentially, Dirk is trying to enable Jake to actually start living out his fantasy in a safe environment, and Jake inspires in Dirk the desire to help him in this way through Hope for romantic reciprocation.

Dirk isn’t interested in controlling Jake English at all. He’s trying to Serve him.

Which he succeeds at! Over the long run, Jake does indeed grow to view the chase as an adventure, and admits to finding the whole experience of the Brobot kind of exciting in confidence with Jane. I’d have to hear explanations if someone wanted to square this with Jake perceiving it as abusive, personally.

Hence why Jake levels up when he’s trounced. Jake got owned, sure--but he was also getting served, as in he got the adventure experience that he wanted. Note, by the way, the butler imagery--which for the most part recurs continually centered around Jake and Dave. 

Which makes these lines Dirk delivers three years later, directly to the audience:

Straight up lies. It’s Dirk hiding from his hurt and confusion by destroying his own perceived fuckups with his fabricated Stoic Coolguy Warrior persona--the same way Jake hides from his own by burying them under his beliefs.

In reality, all Dirk wants is to try to make what Jake wants possible. Which is very fitting, because there’s only one thing Dirk wants more than Jake himself. As we just established, what Dirk wants is to be believed in. To be valued and wanted. To be of service, to be necessary, to be good. And specifically...

To be like Dave Strider. Next time, we’ll talk about Dirk’s desire to live up to Dave’s image, how he really feels about his friends, and how all of this affects his relationship with Hal. 

This series has been a passion project, but also a side project to my youtube series aimed at welcoming and explaining Homestuck to new, incoming Hiveswap fans. If you find yourself trying to make it easier for a Hiveswap fan to understand what Homestuck is about and how it connects to the game, I hope you think of me.

If you like my writing and have a buck to spare, you could also really help me out by enabling me to focus on putting more of this content out there through pledging on Patreon. Doing so will also give you access to my private community of enthusiasts trying to advance new and interesting readings of this wonderful property.

See you again soon, everyone. Until then,

Keep rising.

[surveyjunkie]

1. First of all, what do you prefer to be called? Tasha. 2. What is your favorite form of creative expression?  For me, it’s either blogging or painting. If I had any musical talent, it would be that. 3. How do you like your coffee OR if you don’t like it, why?: I take it with loads of flavored cream.  4. What is the least desirable thing, in your opinion, to put on a pizza that you have heard of people actually eating?: I guess anchovies...fish and pizza just don’t sound appetizing together. I’m also not big on putting chicken on pizza unless it’s chicken bacon ranch.  5. Would you rather witness the beginning or the end of the universe?: The beginning.

6. Describe your favourite pair of socks: They have the sailor moon bow on them. 

7. What is the current or last song you are listening/listened to, and does it have any special significance to you?: I don’t even remember what it was. I can’t find my headphones :(  8. Do you prefer rainbows or stars?: Stars 9. Describe the best day of your life NOT in terms of events, but in terms of your feelings: Elation.  10. Would you rather go to a planetarium or an aquarium?: Aquarium. 11. Do you know the reason that 11:11 is considered to be auspicious?: No idea.  12. What decorations are hanging on your walls?: At home? There’s a couple of paintings I made, a framed Margarita recipe, and my Bachelor’s degree.  13. What is your favourite planet in our solar system?: Earth 14. How do you express love?: More through actions than words because I suck at talking about emotions. << 15. Do you consider yourself to be more spiritual or scientific?: Spiritual I guess.  16. If you had a lava lamp, what color would you want it to be?: Teal 17. Would you rather be able to revisit your past to simply re-experience a positive moment or revisit your past in order to change things and risk the consequences?: Maybe just re-experience a positive moment. I’m weird about the idea of changing things that have happened in the past, even though I have strong regrets. I feel like things wouldn’t be how they are now if I hadn’t had the unique experiences of the past. Idk.  18. Have you ever had a past-life regression or memory?: I remember when I first got braces, I told my mom that the feeling of having them felt familiar, even though I’d never had them before in my life. That’s the only indication I’ve had so far that I may have led a past life.  19. What is your favourite holiday and why?: Christmas. Family and food. << And eggnog/booze 20. Are you better with remembering dates or names?: Dates. I’m terrible with names.  21. What was your favourite book that you had to read for a class?: 1984.  22. What is your favourite number and why is it significant to you?: 7. It signifies my 7th year of life and the 7th grade, which were both great times for me.

23. Would you rather explore space or the ocean?: Space.  24. What prompted you to call the last person you called?: I missed her call so was calling her back. 25. Star Trek or Star Wars?: Wars. 26. Lord of the Rings or Harry Potter?: LOTR. 27. What is your favourite band and why?: I have lots of favourites, because I can’t choose just one. << 28. What colour best resonates with your best friend(s)?: Navy blue or white.  29. Where do you work and why do you work there?: I work in the research office at the local hospital because they offered me a position that is relevant to my bachelor’s degree and will look extremely good on grad school applications.

30. Have you ever gone to a public karaoke facility, and what did you sing?: I’ve been to one, but I didn’t sing 31. What animal do you feel most connected with?: My dog. 32. Have you ever had “special brownies” or any other kind of “special” treat?: Yep, I didn’t care for them. I just prefer to smoke it.  33. What book are you reading at the moment?: None. 34. What is the funniest thing that you have done at a fast food restaurant? Probably when I fell asleep on my food when I was drunk.  35. Do you enjoy listening to music that is sung in another language?:

Yes, especially Spanish 36. Quote the last movie you watched: “Tale as old as time, song as old as rhyme, Beauty and the Beast” 37. Do you know more than just your sun sign (like your ascending sign or moon sign etc.)?: I’m not sure what that is 38. Do you have any jewelery on you that holds significance, and if so, what is it and why is it significant?: I have a couple of rings my mom bought for me on my birthday. One is a ruby ring which is my birthstone and the other has two small diamonds in it.  39. What is your favorite kind of cheesecake?: Peanut butter fudge 40. Why did you last feel warm and fuzzy inside?: Just cuddling with Josh.

41. What band that no longer performs together do you wish would have a reunion tour?: Pink Floyd.<< Yes. They came to my city back when I was in college and I was hoping my dad would take me, but he never did. I’m still salty as hell about it.  42. What band that IS still together do you wish would perform in your area?: Alt-J 43. Have you ever been in a band, and what role did you play in it?: Nope 44. What has been the single most frightening experience of your life?: I haven’t had anything too terrible. Most of them just involve minor car accidents, my car breaking down in the middle of the highway, or locking myself out of my apartment. They’re stressful scary things but I haven’t had anything that has caused trauma, which I’m thankful for.  45. Who is/was your favourite Spice Girl?: Baby Spice.  46. Do you prefer free verse or poetry set in a form?: It doesn’t matter to me 47. In a hotel, would you choose to go in the hot tub, the sauna, the workout room, or the pool?: The hot tub.  48. Imagine that you are exploring space. Who would you want with you and what would you want to explore, assuming you are not limited in any way?: I would want a bunch of trained astronauts with me. The idea of space freaks me out. <<  49. Have you ever astral projected?: Say what? 50. What is your favourite song by the group t.A.T.u?: Probably “All The Things She Said” because that’s the only other one I know besides “They’re Not Gonna Get Us”. 

51. Describe what you envision as “paradise”: Being on a boat in the middle of a lake with beer, a fishing pole, and good music. I think I may have been a redneck in another life, but I’m okay with that.  52. What element do you feel most connected to?: Water. 53. What is a cause that you feel very strongly about and why?: Keeping Planned Parenthood around. I just think low income women should have the same access to gynecological exams and life-saving procedures that rich women do. Defunding them is not going to stop abortion.  54. What was your favourite class from the last year that you were in school?: I really enjoyed Diversity and Health. I learned a lot about other cultures and how difficult access to healthcare is in other countries. I really think everybody should take that class.  55. What is a topic that you study independently for your own interest?: Politics or psychology, when I’m in the mood.  56. Describe what you would want to wear if you were getting married, handfasted, or having some kind of “love celebration” or “commitment” ceremony between yourself and another? A long white dress, probably lace with belled sleeves.  57. What song do you want played at your funeral?: "Tubthumping” by Chumbawumba.  58. Would you rather alphabetize or put things in order according to numbers?: Alphabetize 59. What medication do you dislike the most?: Antibiotics, they ruin my stomach.  60. Would you rather write a story or a poem?: Story. 61. Do you believe in non-physical entities, and if so have you ever communicated with one?: I don’t know if I do. I mean, I used to pray to God, but I’m not sure if that’s what you’re referring to.  62. What invention or discovery do you think that the scientific community should focus on?: I think they’re already focus on a lot of important priorities, like medical care, disease cure and treatment, etc. << Yeah. I work in medical research and I can tell you that we are extremely well funded. 

63. If you could go anywhere, where would you go and why?: Anywhere? I’d go explore the west coast because I’ve never been there in my 24 years as a U.S. citizen.  64. What skill do people often compliment you on?: I don’t know. I don’t have any skills.<< 65. What are three facets of your personality or thinking patterns that you want to improve?: Social anxiety, self-doubt, hastiness 66. What is your favourite symbol?: $$$ 67. Name an unusual shortcut or file that’s on your desktop: There’s nothing unusual on my desktop, unless you think my Doge background  is unusual, which if you do, FUCK YOU! Lol, just kidding. I don’t know.  68. What do you smell like right now?: Burberry Weekend 69. You get to have a theme party of your choice, just for fun. What theme do you choose?: 80′s! Even though it’s been done fifty billion times. I don’t care. 70. Have you ever been in the depths of a cave?: No 71. How do you deal with the dark side of yourself?: I listen to depressing music or watch fucked up movies.  72. Name something that you can’t help but save: Receipts.  73. What is your addiction?: Fries, pizza, online shopping 74. If you could wish something for three people, but not for yourself, who would the wishes be for and what would they be?: Health, happiness and money for everyone I love. << 75. Would you rather send a message in a bottle or on a balloon?: Balloon.  76. What did you dream last night?: I had a nightmare I was stabbed in the ghetto and ran to a guy in his car for help. I asked him to drive me to the hospital because I was bleeding a lot but he ended up taking me to the grocery store instead and made me wait for him to spend 10 minutes picking out fruit before he finally took me to the hospital.  77. What is one of your most frequent daydreams?: Quitting my job  78. What is your favourite stuffed animal?: My squirtle. 79. If you could have a conversation with any well-known figure of the past or present, who would it be and what would you want to talk about?: I really don’t know.  80. If you could bring anyone back to life, who would it be?: My uncle 81. Are you affectionate?: Yes 82. Name one thing that each of your best friends is really good at: Smoking pot.  83. What are you a perfectionist with?: Certain things at work.  84. Could you see yourself being able to carry on a long distance relationship?: I did it for 6 months. Granted, we were within driving distance, but it was still hard. 85. If you could be anything but human, including anything mythical, what would you be?: A unicorn.  86. Have you ever meditated? If so, what is your method, and if not, what do you do to relax?: I’ve done it a couple of times, it doesn’t really help. Usually breathing exercises and hot tea help.  87. What is something about yourself that you feel no one else understands?: I’m over analytical