#reviews say it's codependent

[mykashg]

one thing you need to understand about ava daniels actually is that vegas is her home it's the first and only place she's ever felt like she truly belongs and is a part of something bigger than herself

[comfycozycrossfox]

i don’t think i’ll ever fully understand how typical friendship is supposed to work

[wileys-russo]

tiny red hearts II a.putellas

tiny red hearts II a.putellas

amid the pandemic everyone picked up a hobbie in lockdown.

if it be knitting, dancing, pottery, reading, cooking, puzzles. you name it, someone had likely perfected it as an art form during those weeks and weeks locked away from society.

for you it was no different. you'd tried cooking, reading, jigsaws, colouring in, sudoku, even gardening but nothing really clicked.

until one day you were endlessly doom scrolling your various social medias as again, everyone was, when you stumbled across a nail art video. intrigued you'd watched it, then another, and another, and another, the worm hole you fell down was one that was long and steep and swift.

then before you knew it you had package after package arriving on your doorstep, much to your girlfriends confusion at your sudden online shopping habits. normally you were quite the stickler for the 'its a want not a need' type attitude, but with the packages snatched up and hidden away in your room the days melted into weeks as you worked tirelessly to perfect your new art.

and a week of hard work and countless hours spent watching youtube tutorial after youtube tutorial later holed up in the guest bathroom, you'd done it.

that wasn't to say your clear dedication to your new hobbie was one your girlfriend enjoyed, forever trying to bait you into doing something with her but you'd just brush her off, eyes glued to your phone screen which was propped up against a bottle of shampoo.

which is how you came to be sitting on the floor of your living room weeks and weeks later, bottles of polish sat in perfect colour coded order on the coffee table with all your little brushes and tools neatly lined up in front.

your bottom lip was firmly between your teeth, eyebrows furrowed deeply with concentration as your eyes squinted and your hand moved slowly and precisely.

your girlfriend of two years whom you shared your home with and whom you'd been locked in with for the horrendously active period of this ghastly pandemic lay stretched out on the sofa behind you, toned tanned arms crossed firmly across her chest.

her face was stoic and seemingly stern as ever, you'd forever nag her about the frown lines she was embedding into her beautifully smooth skin with the scowl she'd not even clock was on her face nearly all the time when she found herself deep in thought or lost in her own mind.

but she'd merely brush it off with a wave or a hum, nothing unusual when she was reviewing game footage and given she wasn't currently able to play her studying of games when she could had only increased.

you were off in your own little world and she was in hers, you coexisted but knew how not to be codependent, something which had surprisingly caused your relationship to stay just as strong if not more so during this lockdown together.

one of the key things that made your relationship healthy was the fact that despite how long you'd been seeing one another you still spent time apart, and despite not being able to leave the house much you still had different hobbies and interests to preoccupy your time.

you would go shopping or out for drinks with your school friends you'd known for years, as alexia would often go for dinner or hikes with some of her own childhood friends, well that was when she wasn't chasing after ball and getting grass stains all over her legs.

but that's not by any means to say you weren't positively and certainly head over heels infatuated with one another, and whenever you did spend time apart you were increasingly clingy that night once you were reunited, but when out you knew to respect one another's time and space and didn't feel the need to be texting one another the entiere time.

after all there was seldom you loved more than laying down with alexia of an evening, the two of you knew how to treasure quality time and found that so long as you were together you could be doing nothing at all and still perfectly content.

with her body warm and strong it pressed against yours as you'd lay down squished on the sofa, soft gentle kisses littered across your shoulders as your fingers intertwined and you'd take turns filling one another in on how your days were since you'd spent them apart.

back to present day sat on the floor you gave a small exhale of relief when you finally finished the intricate design you'd been working on, your frown of concentration switching quickly into a grin of delight as you slipped your hand into the UV nail lamp and waited for them to dry.

as you had been every now and then you leaned your head back to rest against the couch, knocking it back into alexias good knee and puckering your lips expectantly.

then with a smile and a small chuckle your girlfriend pulled herself up to sit with a quiet grunt, leaning down and rewarding you with a soft kiss before returning back to her previous position.

punching the pillow behind her head and wiggling slightly until she was comfortable, her foot poked at your shoulder every now and then as if to reassure her you were still there without needing to look.

since a young age you had been known to daydream.

it got you into a fair deal of trouble in school, forever having a teachers hand or a heavy textbook slammed down onto your desk with a loud bang to snap you back into reality, your peers giggling and cheeks flashed bright red as you'd smile sheepishly and do your best to focus on your lessons.

your girlfriend however had always found it adorable as much as amusing as you'd zone out from reality and go somewhere she never understood.

sometimes as you drifted away into your own head alexia would just watch you with lovesick puppy dog eyes, filled with nothing but pure adoration that was so sweet it could give someone a tooth ache, though always in the privacy and intimacy of just one another's company.

after all the big bad la reina couldn't be known to be so whipped for her girlfriend (everyone already knew she was).

case in point right now where you'd clearly drifted off somewhere as the footballers eyes glanced down toward you and her hardened features softened, corners of her mouth curled upward into a smile.

"hola, princesa." you snapped right out of it as her foot moved to poke at your cheek this time, dragging you back down to earth as you pushed it away and sent her a playful glare, pulling your other hand out and flicking off the lamp as both of them were now dry.

"look amor!" you leapt up eagerly and dropped down on the lounge next to your girlfriend, sat practically on top of her, wiggling your fingers proudly at the blonde who hummed.

"muy bien bebé." alexia complimented, leaning up and softly kissing your cheek before turning her attention back to the television where the match had resumed, as did the stoic expression on her face.

"alee." you started with a coy smile, grabbing her hand and interlacing your fingers with a gentle squeeze. "mm?" the midfielder hummed, eyes unmoving from the screen.

"can i paint your nails cari?" you asked hopefully, alexia only letting out a puff of air from her nose as she chuckled, shaking her head. "por favor you know i am good and they will look good!" you pleaded, squeezing her hand again and even kissing over her knuckles a few times.

"no mi amor, no nails." alexia shook her head as you huffed, moving to rest your chin on her shoulder, lazily kissing her jaw. "sí nails. sí, sí, sí, sí, sí-" you repeated over and over, peppering kisses across her face.

now as much as alexia could be at times be a fierce woman, driven and passionate and willing to do absolutely anything to achieve whatever she set her mind to, she had a fatal soft spot.

you.

alexia would do nearly everything that you asked of her, especially with a few choice sweet words in her ear and a charming smile you had the catalan wrapped around your little finger, and you reveled in it.

so of course it was with a deep sigh that alexia inevitably gave into your demand, wordlessly placing her free hand in your lap as you beamed and perked right up.

clapping happily you sat up properly and grabbed her chin in your hand, pecking her lips a few times and reveling in the slight pink blush which coated her cheeks.

"tan lindo." you cooed, pinching her cheeks as her eyes rolled but she made no move to argue which only caused your elated grin to grow.

you moved her hand and sat back down on the ground, staring carefully at the arsenal of colours at your disposal, taking a few moments to decide what you wanted before nodding happily and grabbing what you needed.

you settled back down on the lounge as again alexia moved her hand into your lap, eyes glued to the match as her eyebrows turned downward in frustration at a fumbled tackle and an easily preventable shot at the barcelona goal, a shake of her head and an annoyed grumble under her breath.

"you will get wrinkles corazón." you teased, smoothing out her eyebrow with your thumb as the tiniest of smiles flickered across her face just for a moment which wasn't missed by you.

"déjame en paz." the footballer muttered as you chuckled and kissed her palm sweetly, turning her hand back over and adjusting your position a little.

warning her to stay still you placed her right hand down on your knee and grabbed the first colour, tugging the coffee table closer so everything you needed was well within reach to avoid anything being knocked or falling.

much as alexia might bend over backwards to do as you asked you knew well enough if you spilled even a drop of polish on the carpet or the sofa you knew you'd be hearing about it for weeks.

as you set to work your girlfriends face remained blank, but her bright hazel eyes flickered down to you curiously every now and then, corner of her lip curling upward at the look of sheer concentration on your face and the way the tip of your tongue poked out of the side of your mouth.

finishing one hand you blew gently on the nails, unable to use the machine which was plugged in on the floor and just out of reach. though not in any rush you awaited her first hand to dry as you kept a cautious eye that she didn't move as your head dropped to her shoulder.

there was a comfortable silence between you, the only sound the occasional grunt of frustration from the taller girl whose side you were curled into, a shake of her head and something mumbled under her breath at every costly mistake.

her first hand drying you tapped her knee, gesturing for her to swing her legs into your lap so you could reach her other hand. shuffling her body she did as you asked, sliding down a little as her head thumped backward into the soft cushions behind.

you couldn't do anything to keep the smile off your face as you worked on your girlfriends nail design, incredibly happy with how it turned out as again you gently blew on her other hand, settling it back into her lap to dry same as the first one.

warning her once again about not moving you crawled up the lounge and wedged yourself into her, sitting half on top of her much to the older girls amusement as you pulled her other arm to drape across your shoulder allowing you to tuck yourself even tighter into her side.

checking a few moments later you were happy they were dry and sat up a little, shrugging off your girlfriends arm and eagerly taking her hands in yours.

"listo!" you announced happily as alexia's eyes moved from the tv to her hands which made yours seem tiny, your own gaze falling to admire both the size difference and the small 11 tattooed on the back of her palm.

"i did more of a pale pink because i know you do not like them too bright, but i did tiny red hearts on each nail for barça!" you explained with a beaming smile, alexia melting at the confession as she stole a glance toward you and softened even more seeing the clear and pure joy in your eyes.

"muy perfecto bebita." your girlfriend gave you a small smile not giving much away, one of her hands slipping around to cup the back of your neck and bringing you into a tender kiss.

"can i put them on my story? i think these are some of my favourites." you asked hopefully as alexia shrugged, eyes having returned back to the final few minutes of the match, seemingly unfazed.

grabbing your phone you positioned her hands on her knees, taking a few photos and editing your favourite before adding it onto your instagram and curling back up on top of your girlfriend who held you tightly, eyes flickering down to her nails with a small hidden smile every few minutes.

~

that next day at training was a very different story though as alexia couldn't wait to show off her nails to the rest of the team.

the morning was spent with the midfielder very proudly boasting how good you were and that you were completely self taught, ignoring all the teasing remarks thrown her way about how she'd gone soft.

when you'd come to collect her that afternoon having dropped her off and borrowed her car for the day as yours was being serviced you were overwhelmed as a small group of the girls suddenly swarmed you in the carpark.

"hey hey hey back up!" alexia warned protectively, moving in front of you with a mean stare as a few of the younger girls cowered and hurried off to their own cars as the rest rolled their eyes, knowing that really she was all bark and no bite.

"me next amiga! maybe little black hearts? or...letters!" mapi beamed, eyes flickering toward her girlfriend who caught onto what she was wanting and blushed as you laughed.

"get your own! este es mío." alexia huffed, wrapping herself around you as her chin hooked into your shoulder and she sent her best friend a glare.

"tomorrow? but you must cook me dinner as payment maría." you offered with a grin, mapi agreeing eagerly as you promised to also do ingrid's nails when you caught her frowning at you over her girlfriends head.

"sí, sí! before the next game chicas, promise." you laughed as pina, salma and cata swooped in next undeterred by the murderous glare given by your girlfriend, who refused to unwind her arms where they wrapped tightly around your torso holding your back flush to her front.

"we are going! relax capi, you will get wrinkles." cata smirked as alexia's eyes narrowed even further and the three sprinted off and away.

with a small laugh you craned your back back staring up at your girlfriend with a wide grin.

"see amor? i warned you about the frown wrinkles."

~

you expected alexia to allow the nails for a couple of days before she'd want to return back to normal with a clean set again, so you were surprised when anytime you'd offer to help her take it off she seemed to come up with every and any excuse not to.

by the end of day five with the rigorous gym program and workouts needed with alexia's recovery the polish was cracked and chipped, most of it worn off and faded, hearts now barely recognisable as just small red blobs.

it was that night alexia finally seemed eager for you to wipe them clean, again swinging her long bare legs into your lap and settling her hands on her knee for you to work on.

the removal process compared to the creation was next to nothing and before even five minutes had passed you were finished, tapping her legs to let you up to move your things back to the bathroom where they normally lived.

when you returned it was to an empty and dark living room, so changing route you followed the light at the end of the hallway where you finally found your girlfriend once more.

you held a hand over your mouth to stifle the loud boom of laughter you wished you could get out, the catalan having fallen deep asleep on top of the bed, one of your favorite dramas playing in the background where she'd clearly intended the two of you to lay in bed together and watch.

with a small sigh of amusement you flitted back around the house ensuring everything was locked before you returned, closing the bedroom door behind you with a gentle click.

the room now only illuminated by the dim glow of the tv you flicked off the downlight and you made you way around to her side of the bed and crouched down.

"amor. amor. alexia!" you called out softly, moving one arm to shake her lightly when there was no response, the blondes chocolate brown eyes fluttering open tiredly once you shook her a little harder.

"hola bebé, into bed?" you ran a hand through her mane of hair, moving a few loose strands off her forehead with a soft smile as the footballer sighed tiredly but sat up with a curt nod as you tugged down the covers allowing her to slip in properly.

already showered and changed you ducked off to the bathroom to brush your teeth before joining her, chuckling as once more she was seemingly dead to the world, mouth ever so slightly ajar as her blonde hair sprawled across the pillow.

though as the mattress dipped, never the heaviest of sleepers alexia awoke a little, turning around to her other side and shuffling down the bed as her face pressed into your neck and her long legs tangled with yours, feet rubbing against one another.

you felt an i love you mumbled against your skin as her arms wrapped tightly around your torso, latching her taller body firmly onto yours making you smile and tangle a hand in her hair, lips lingering against the warm skin of her forehead.

"te quiero más."

~

a few days later you'd removed your own nail design and sat down to try a new one, having spent a few hours scrolling through for inspiration before it struck and within minutes you'd grabbed what you needed and settled.

though before you could even glance to the bottles of polish a body dropped down next to you and suddenly strong hands were on your hips lifting you up.

"ale!" you laughed as she set you down on her lap, long legs stretched out straight as you wiggled a little to get comfortable. "my turn first please." the girl spoke in her adorably accented english, hands moving around you and placing themselves on your knees.

"oh your turn?" you asked both equally pleased and surprised, turning a little so you could look at her properly. "sí, mi novia so my turn." alexia grinned, pointing to you and then back at herself before moving her head to press a soft and tender kiss against your lips.

you smiled as you pulled away, a hand softly carressing her cheek as your thumb pulled at her bottom lip, pressing another tender kiss against them with a lovesick sigh.

"of course mi amor whatever you want. so, what colour?"

[katsudoncat]

HORIKOSHI YOU WRETCHED DOG YOU DID IT!

I was about to upload a review for chapter 431, of which there must be many by now, when I found this…

I know it's too long and only the postscript matters…

I think what the damn coolest cretin in history wanted to say with that postscript is that chapter 431 is technically not canonical since it's not part of the original story that for him was until 430, everything in 431 was left to the free will of its characters so they could do and undo whatever they wanted…

Let's say that Horikoshi the damn genius bastard did it and technically created 2 endings, one for each facto bitches!… we have the BKDK ending in 430 which I'll call canonical and the Izuocha ending in 431 which I'll call the alternative ending and everyone can decide which ending they want… see? Both would be canon endings if you want them that way, except that one is the official one and the other is separate, it's like if Horikoshi had to prepare a single cake for two people with different tastes, let's say vanilla and strawberry, then what does he do? A two-tier cake with one layer of one flavor for one and the other for the other person, so everyone eats their favorite flavor! A fucking genius who wanted to avoid the hate of ship wars!

For my part, I'm sticking with the canonical ending just because they held hands, and although we can't see it, to me, the way Katsuki offered it has all the weight placed on chivalry and romanticism…

and with that smile, Izuku obviously accepted.

As for the alternative ending, while it was seen that they held hands, I didn't see it as something romantic, we know that Izuku feels good holding hands like that (red flag, ladies and gentlemen, emotional codependent behavior)

besides it seemed to me like a kind of give me 5 or a way of saying "Hey, I'm here for whatever you need, 'little friend'",

so I took my advice.

Although in reality the only hands that I was interested in seeing were Izuku's AFO hands, instead of avoiding the ship wars, Horikoshi, should have explained to us why Izuku's hands shined like that...

and if he was AFO's son then why did he put it aside as an unsolved mystery and preferred the pairings! Where is my revelation of "Izuku… I am your father"? I just wanted him to confirm my Dad For One! (⁠っ⁠˘̩⁠╭⁠╮⁠˘̩⁠)⁠っ

[joyce-stick]

An Essay About Slash Review of The Coffin of Andy and Leyley, A Video Game Which is Very Good

(and also: has prompted many quite wrong rather bad takes)

An essay by Audrey of the joystick system

The very bad discourse and drama around The Coffin of Andy and Leyley has served to obscure the simple fact that it is quite a very good video game and this video essay is here to tell you about that.

Video version:

Previous video essay: Lost Judgment's Lost Plot

If you enjoy this essay, please consider following us here or on any other platforms, and/or donating to support future works via our Patreon or Ko-fi.

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Transcript:

Hi everyone. So. The Coffin of Andy and Leyley is really, really fucking good.

If you’ve heard of this game, you’ve probably heard of it in the context of memes, screenshots divorced from context, and/or capricious moral outrage. If you’ve not heard of this game, well, you’re hearing of it now! And good thing, too, because much of the coverage and discussion around this game that already exists has… been, let’s just say, not particularly earnest. I hope to remedy that at least somewhat with this video.

If you’ve heard about this game because of discourse, and come here expecting drama and hot takes, then, this may not be your video. Or your YouTube channel, even. Or maybe it is, if you’d like the delicious comments section. If you’re that sort of clicker, though— welcome! I’m Audrey of the joystick system, and this is the place where I (and my headmates) talk honestly about things we care about, and I hope you’ll hear me out a little and maybe consider staying and improving our viewer retention. Thanks, if you do.

So, to writ: My purpose today is to gush. I will be gushing here. For most of it. And as for what I will be gushing about, some of it will be gushing BLOOD, GUTS, AND DELICIOUS DEATH. I am entirely serious. The subject of today’s presentation contains mature content, including copious foul language and themes slash depictions of death, cannibalism, cultism, demon summoning rituals, parricide, dystopian social decay, and heterosexuality. Oh, and also a little bit of incest as a treat, I guess, but the incest is heterosexual, and that’s worse.

[long pause]

Excellent. You’re still here. So. This morbidly beautiful video game may not be for everyone, but that’s good, because it is instead for exactly me! A short plot synopsis of The Coffin of Andy and Leyley might go as follows:

if you're not watching the video listen to this for extra effect

Siblings Andrew and Ashley Graves are forcibly quarantined inside their apartment by the local authorities, with no food and even less hope for rescue. Their parents have abandoned them. Absolutely no one is coming to save them. In order to survive and escape this awful situation, they butcher and consume the fresh flesh of some guy who got himself soul vored by a demon that he summoned without a plan.

This conspicuously carnivorous crime, and their effort to cover their tracks, puts them in a fair bit of a deeper shithole than they are already in. So naturally they keep digging themselves deeper by committing even more crimes, AND in the process, also dig themselves deeper into their toxic codependent sibling relationship, which is going just great, thank you. Sure, Andrew almost killed his sister, but he didn’t, and that’s what matters! And she still loves him, so it’s all good!

This is of course a joke.

First thing I absolutely love about this game is the writing. It’s witty, intelligent, uncompromising, and just generally delicious. It holds nothing back in depicting the toxicity of the two leads and their relationship, resulting in two compelling characters whose flaws and few virtues perfectly complement slash exacerbate one another, resulting in a beautiful train wreck of a relationship dynamic that proves equal parts disturbing, mesmerizing, and hilarious.

The charming darkly comedic bite of the writing style also lends a lot of great character to the setting. This sardonically presented dystopian world is both richly detailed and fleetingly elaborated on, a commendable balance to have achieved, in my opinion. The first chapter of this game is hilarious not just because of the banter between Ashley and Andrew (which is terrific), but because it presents such a sharp satire of current year bullshit.

As just an example, I give you, one of my favorite jokes in the game:

I probably don’t need to explain the thing this is making fun of to you, but I will anyway.

The situation presented in The Coffin of Andy and Leyley’s first episode is very easily readable as an allegory for how disasters that are a direct result of ongoing 2020s late capitalist decay continuously fuck people over. In particular, this scenario feels like a direct commentary on both the COVID-19 pandemic as well as the Flint, Michigan water crisis. The former obviously has affected way more people but what both have in common is that they are crises created and exacerbated by malfeasance and/or negligence committed in the name of for-profit interests, and that the “response,” to them, such as there was one, has amounted to dehumanizing and marginalizing the victims while minimizing the issue, forcing the victims out of society’s wider view, and being reticent to punish the individuals responsible. 

Just as the authorities responded to the water crisis and the worst excesses of the pandemic in real life, the authorities in The Coffin of Andy and Leyley impose half-measures designed to further restrict the freedom of the dirty undesirables who bear the worst damages, while merely shielding the upper echelons of society from the disaster rather than actually addressing or attempting to solve the issue. Most of you who lived through 2020 in the United States probably have experienced the frustration of being on the receiving end of this kind of policy.

During the pandemic, the quarantine was supposed to protect us, but for a lot of people it ended up doing quite the opposite. A lot of folks didn’t have any savings, and couldn’t get any since the employment market wasn’t exactly on fire, and our representatives had to be bothered way too much just to put out a pithy economic stimulus just to save face. Not to say that this all has stopped, exactly, as all that’s changed now is that we’re just, living with this situation, but.

It wasn’t literally a cop outside everyone’s door preventing them from going outside to not die, but for a lot of people, it might as well have been that! Never mind those who, y’know, had no inside to retreat to. Or were imprisoned during the pandemic and left even more unprotected! Or thrown out by their landlords! And so on. And, y’know, the big chain grocery stores keep throwing out all the perfectly good unsold food, so they’re already sending this message in all but, well… these exact words.

So, that’s why I think this joke lands. It’s exaggerated, but familiarly rooted, and that’s just good satire! It’s a joke which feels lifted right out of Invader Zim, which, I would put The Coffin of Andy and Leyley right about on the level of as far as both the tone it’s going for and the quality of its execution. Which of course, brings us to the extremes that these circumstances push its characters, and its plot, to.

Okay, so, also like Invader Zim, The Coffin of Andy and Leyley is hardly a polemic, nor is it a morality tale. Sure, there’s social commentary in it, but that’s just a nice side thing. It’s not a story about the otherwise innocent victims of an unjust society who are pushed to do terrible things by circumstances outside their control— it is, rather a story of terrible people, who, both because of their character failings, and the desperate situations they find themselves in, find themselves doing even worse things.

Andrew and Ashley commit the cannibalism the first time in large part because they kind of have to do it. No food! Cop outside their door actively deterring them from getting food! Out of options! So they do it. They could probably be excused, if only they were given a fair trial. Which they realize they’re not going to get. So yeah. It’s understandable that they do it. And that they kill this one cop, who very much has it coming.

But they do not have to keep doing it! And gosh grief, do they keep fucking doing it— so many its. They really do not stop digging that hole that they are in. Even the first time that they do the cannibalism, when they kind of really have to do the cannibalism, Ashley is just a little bit more excited about doing the cannibalism than she probably should be.

I love this kind of delicious edgy dark humor. I love stories that go for it, imagine the worst possible people they can, and also try to make that funny. I love this about Invader Zim, that it presents a character who is unquestionably a monster, but also has relatable human desires like wanting to fit in and being concerned about looking weird or abnormal, but has those feelings for very different reasons and acts on them by committing some very despicable crimes. It really gets at a deep-seated darkness that I and a lot of other fucked up traumatized queer people who were little kids when this show aired have, the catharsis of visualizing some of our worst intrusive thoughts while evoking the emotions that pushed us to imagine this kind of fucked up shit.

I’ve loved this kind of thing since we saw Heathers when we were 14. Heathers is an absolutely incredible film that you should check out, by the way, and about which we failed to properly or interestingly articulate our thoughts a few years back. Its lead protagonists, Jason “J.D.” Dean and Veronica Sawyer, are similarly relatable characters who have familiar feeling flaws and emotionally resonant trauma hangups, and also function as very toxic enablers of each other’s worst traits, leading them to work through those feelings by, y’know, murdering their classmates!

Heathers made us realize just how exactly mentally ill of a 14 year old we really were when we were 14, and I love it for that. So. So fucking much.

That was ten years and change ago.

We are still a mentally ill 24 year old.

And Andrew and Ashley Graves, if I had to sum them up, are basically J.D. and Veronica, if they were in their twenties, siblings, and also way, way, way worse.

And I love them.

So, obviously. Ashley and Andrew are hilarious. At least, I find them to be such. They’re terrible, and awful, and amazing, and Ashley is such a girlboss. She is one of the most God Forbid Women Do Anything characters ever.

Anyway! I’ve talked about the cannibalism, and the dystopia, and the characters, and why all of that’s good. I’ve also forgotten to talk about the part where they evade an assassin, and, also a host of other things.

I love that this game has so many fun little optional interactions with NPCs, objects, and items, that you can totally miss. I love how the narration hints at the solutions to puzzles by snarkily referring to things you can interact with as what their purpose is to the characters rather than what they are, this quip about the mop that you clean up a murder scene with, the interactions that Andrew has with these cultists who suck at demon summoning, the excellent in-game art and the brilliant visual duality of Andrew and Ashley’s character designs, this line where Andrew is upset that life is so hard for them as fugitives from the law because they can only find this one shitty motel that takes cash and doesn’t ask them for their ID, and also the music, which is royalty free music made by people unassociated with the developer but is nonetheless perfectly suited for the game.

So much about this game is stuff I find so completely brilliant, and I have so little to criticize, that I think we’d probably be here all day if I kept going. So.

Let’s spend a thousand ish more words talking about the parents.

When The Coffin of Andy and Leyley begins, the protagonists’ parents are absent. You can optionally find two early references to them early on— one, if you interact with the bed in their bedroom, and encounter the shocking revelation that “Your parents have FUCKED on this bed.”

The second, is if you interact with the phone, the game dutifully informs you that,

You’re probably less than five minutes into the game at this point, barely begun solving the first puzzle, which prompted you to “find nutrients to not die.” And of course, this says about all you need to know. These children have been abandoned. But if it needed to be any clearer, the game later delivers unto you a flashback to prior in the story, when Ashley desperately calls Mrs. Graves for help after they leave and go move to a hotel, and later a new house, to which the kids are of course not invited. And this specific scene, specific line, here, fucking hit me:

“And I don’t want to hear these lies about starving anymore.”

Emphasis mine.

Even as Ashley and Andrew escalate the severity of their crimes which gradually come to have less and less to do with their need to survive as the story goes on, I find it very hard to not be on their side at least a little bit, and this is easily the biggest reason why.

I have had this phone call.

Not this exact specific phone call, of course. Obviously, I’ve never been locked up in an apartment with an armed patrol outside my door whose job it was to gaslight me while ensuring that I starved to death. Obviously, my mom has never said those exact words.

But gosh grief and fuck me if it’s never felt like she has. She may as well have fucking told me that, with all the things she told me I was lying about. And who fucking knows, maybe she did say those exact words to us, and we repressed them. I don’t know. I am very not done working through all the bullshit that she gaslit us over.

*sighs, preparing to vent*

I have called our mother and had to beg her to pay for food. I have called her and had to beg to pay for our rent, while our parents were supposed to be supporting us studying abroad. I have called her and begged her to forgive me for daring to use just a few of the thirty dollars our parents used to send us to live with every month back then, to buy a drink or a movie ticket or something. I have had to concede to our parents financially holding us hostage, had to go the last week of the month on a shoestring diet while waiting for them to graciously deposit another thirty dollars into our bank account... so that we could continue eating. I used to relish February, the shortest month, for being the one part of the year in which I had to stretch out that thirty dollars the least. And once, I pleaded with our mother to pay for us to move to another apartment when the landlord suddenly kicked us out of the current one, abruptly and obligatorily switching gears from arguing with her to kissing her ass through our gritted teeth, under threat of our parents cutting off their financial support of us completely, abandoning us in a foreign country where we had no money, no job, and barely spoke the language.

And one day, after I stopped dancing to their tune, they just stopped listening, stopped even pretending to want to help. After nineteen years of escalating emotional and physical abuse and neglect, they abandoned us. And one day, after I spent months working 10 hour days every week Ubering food around for tips, sending my resume, filling applications, making calls, stopping into places to ask for work, all to no avail, for months, and desperately plugging the Patreon page of this very YouTube channel praying that some generous soul with money to burn would solve all our problems. All of this still wasn’t enough, and wasn’t going anywhere, and I’d run out of money and was short on rent on the one sublet room we could get that cost exactly three hundred dollars…

And I called her, and I asked her for help. I really didn’t want to. I wanted to hear nothing of her again. And she said to stop lying. To stop bullshitting her that I couldn’t get enough money, or find a job.

Not too long after, I swore off all contact with her, and eventually also with our father. And every time I have spoken to either of them since, I have made no secret of how I feel. Because if I get nothing out of kissing their ass, why fucking pretend.

My family is not poor. They own their house. They own, and leased out, a second house. Their house is full of fancy IKEA furniture and various other niceties, they’ve renovated the place at least twice, they live in a nice, safe neighborhood, they have an attic and a basement, they at one point paid for multiple plane tickets for us per year while still refusing to let us eat on any more than thirty five dollars, an extra five dollars we also had to beg them for. Our dad has a lucrative tech job. All of this, and they insisted, while refusing to answer questions about their finances in any detail, that they couldn’t afford to help us go to where we wanted to go for college, that they had no place for us in their house, that they couldn’t afford three hundred dollars of rent to help us have a roof over our head for one more month.

So when I read this delightful jaunt of a chapter of The Coffin of Andy and Leyley, where Andrew and Ashley break into their parents’ new huge house to steal all their shit, and Ashley says “This is some rich people stuff!” about their fireplace,

And when their mom says, “there’s no room to keep housing you here indefinitely,” and the internal monologue says, “even though it’s way bigger than the old house.” It’s both an entertaining mockery of the attitude of the typical American family, how first you’re your parents’ property for eighteen years and then you’re turned out on your own to face the world without their support, and how the fuck are you supposed to live like that, to figure out how to live your life in the face of that, to meaningfully be a fulfilled person in that situation, especially in a time, when, no, mom, I can’t pay a college tuition on a waitress salary like you did back in the fucking nineties, you c--t,

Even though they have an extra bed in their basement and a perfectly good couch and plenty of space for another bed besides, and a vegetable garden, and a kitchen, and all these other middle-class petty bougie niceties, the Graves mom says, “sorry, we can’t keep helping you,” and. And. I read all this, and I think,

“I understand why Ashley wants to fucking flay these people. I understand why she wants to K1!L them.”

I cannot tell you how much catharsis the ending of The Coffin of Andy and Leyley episode 2 gave me. I cannot convey the weight of my gratitude that someone out there validated my anger and my specific fucked up power fantasy with their art. I didn’t even ask them to. I probably would’ve eventually done it on my own. But I’m so glad that someone did it for me.

If I ever hypothetically meet Nemlei, somehow, and have some cash, I will happily buy them a drink. Hopefully, by paying this excellent game’s ten dollar cover price, I already have!

I know you’re not watching this, but on the off chance this reaches your ears, I just wanna say thanks. For giving me a safe, legal, regret-free, socially acceptable, non-violent outlet for the rage I feel towards my parents.

Well.

Mostly socially acceptable.

Meow.

This game is not finished, as you may have noticed if you’ve gone to check it out on Steam. It ends on an ambiguous and open note, but in my opinion, a perfectly satisfying one. Nemlei could disappear absolutely, never release the proper ending of this game, and never make another game again, and I would not be mad. I've already got more than my money’s worth and then some. So. Yeah. I’m happy. Count me as happy!

I kinda wanna start talking a bit more about the branches of the second episode. I wanna say how it’s a brilliant idea to have two separate story arcs for the two variations of this episode’s ending, and how I hope that that’s executed on as beautifully as the rest of the game already is. I wanna talk about the ways in which Andrew and Ashley’s mom is ambiguously humanized despite being so obviously terrible. I wanna talk about the dialogue Andrew does when his parents offer him a chance to make amends, and he has doubts, if you choose to let him have them, and how I would probably also have doubts in his position, and not be able to follow through without my lovely evil cannibal sister pushing me towards… the thing. I wanna talk about this line, where Ashley talks about why she likes eating people, and how it’s so equal parts poetic and macabre and edgy bullshit and that that’s such a beautifully balanced cocktail of emotion to nail and Nemlei totally fucking nails it

I WANT TO GUSH FOREVER. ABOUT THIS GAME. AND I WANT NO ONE TO STOP ME.

Alas, I will stop myself.

And move on to the elephant in the room!

THE FUCKING.

Mom: “But that-.... That doesn’t make any sense.” Mom: “Why would you not-......” Mom: “Ah, I get it.” Andrew: “..........??” Mom: “You fuck her.” Andrew: “Wha— HUUUUH?!?!!?” Mom: “Oh that is disgusting! Andrew, she’s your sister for god’s sake!” Andrew: “I haven’t done anything!? What the hell, mom!?” Mom: “Then what does she give you that makes it worth all this?” Andrew: “W-well that’s none of your business, is it??” Mom: “I knew something was off… How did I fuck up so bad? I’m the worst mother ever..!” Andrew: “No! I mean yes you are, but I have never—!” Ashley: “I’m baaaa-ack!!!” Andrew: “Now of all times!?” Ashley: “I got the money! Did you miss me, handsome?? Did you? Did you??” Mom: “...........................” Andrew: “(I WANT TO DIE!!!!!!)”

Okay. So. I said I didn’t want to talk about this. But I’m talking about this game. I can’t not talk about it.

Yep, it’s hot takes and drama time!

So, not too long ago, Nemlei deleted their Twitter, their Itch.io, their everything, their entire online presence. The Steam page for The Coffin of Andy and Leyley, which used to list Nemlei as the developer and publisher, now lists “Kit9 Studio.” It is the only game to their name on the platform. A community forum post from said entity known as Kit9 announces that “the developer” (no name given) “has decided to permanently and completely terminate their activities online from here on.”

I don’t know exactly what happened, or why they did this. There’s a lot of people around who sure think they know. But in brief, as neutrally as possible: Nemlei, or someone close to them, was doxxed, or at least sought out as a doxxing target, by one or multiple users of an online forum. Their supposed crime? Making a video game “for degenerates.”

I don’t know who did the doxxing. I don’t know what their motive was, and for my own sanity, I am not going to look. I am choosing not to care. The most important and most obvious fact at hand here is that Nemlei’s creation has been met with controversy amongst social media users, and about one or two hack video game outrage journalists, who seem to have nothing better to do or say. And it seems clear that the doxxing wouldn’t have happened had they not been met with this negative attention. And all because of this.

Not the cannibalism, not the parricide, not the demon sacrifices. No, um, the one implied sex scene.

And it doesn’t even actually happen! It’s just a premonition of a possible future event that Ashley and Andrew supernaturally receive. It’s not particularly graphic, it doesn’t yet go anywhere, and it’s a short scene on an optional route that the game actively forewarns you about. You have to be trying to see it on purpose.

Well, that’s all true. It is indeed a minor and avoidable scene, and the discourse about it has absolutely poisoned the well when it comes to the conversation about the game. But also, “uhh, it’s optional and not a big thing,” is inadequate as a defense. This is still content in the game that Nemlei actively chose to put in the game, and even discounting this, the themes of incest are all over the game. Ashley speaks flirtatiously to Andrew at basically every turn. Even if you avoid this specific scene, the incest themes are not something you’re going to just not notice, if you’re paying attention to the text.

All that being said, it’s not like this content comes as a surprise. The Coffin of Andy and Leyley’s Steam store page accurately represents the product! A brother and sister. Codependency and cannibalism. It’s not as if you don’t know what you’re paying for and choosing to play. You came here for this! Most of the people playing this are here for this! You have to figure that if they are fine with killing and eating people, they’re probably fine with fucking each other, or, eventually possibly eventually going to be, at least.

So you’d think, except that many people seem to unironically believe that the cannibalism is more moral than the incest.

Oh, god, I’m doing this right now, aren’t I.

So, I get it. While I’m pretty skeptical of the notion that cannibalism is not as bad as incest, I do realize that incest is, at the very least, the more taboo of these things, and that a lot of people are more uncomfortable with it than they are with the cannibalism and the murder. To quote the one positive and in-depth review available in any media outlet at the time of this writing, from Destructoid:

“This aspect is undoubtedly the most controversial element about The Coffin of Andy and Leyley, and I understand why. While cannibalism is a taboo subject, it’s present in mainstream games like Fallout as an option for players. Having incestuous themes crosses over into Drakengard territory, and even then, no option allows Caim to reciprocate Furiae’s feelings for him.”

"The Coffin of Andy and Leyley is horrifying and I can’t get enough of it" Andrea Gonzalez, Destructoid, November 12 2023

So, yeah, I. y’know. Get it. I know why. However.

I can point to a lot of things that Andrew and Ashley do wrong in this game. They are, as per the game’s premise, very not okay, not as individuals, and not together. Andrew is way too attached to Ashley, and Ashley is generally an awful person who is way too attached herself, and also, all too quick on the draw to take advantage of Andrew’s attachment to her to make him do what she wants. This is not a healthy relationship. And we’re here for it! It’s compelling!

But, I think it’s worth asking why it’s such a toxic dynamic. Is it because they’re siblings? Well, not really. It’s a dynamic that’s specifically possible with them being siblings, but it’s not because of their sibling connection.

The actual reason why Andrew and Ashley’s relationship turns abusive isn’t because their relationship is abusive by necessity or nature, but because Ashley abuses their relationship. And she is doing this for basically the whole game. Like, it is abusive the whole time. It doesn’t become abusive when their relationship takes its romantic turn. Does it become more abusive? I mean. Maybe. Maybe the romance exacerbates the abuse. I dunno, we’ll have to wait and see what the next episode says.

So, then, why is the notion of them possibly in the future having sex the elephant in the room here, when before that, they do so many objectively worse things that cause much more harm both to themselves and others? Is that really so much more of a bigger deal than the murder and the people eating?

Or. To phrase it Ashley’s way. You played a game about mutilating and eating your parents’ corpses, and getting laid is what you’re freaking out about?

Is the incest really that much more extreme, or are you just more disgusted with it?

And even if you are more disgusted with it. Even if we grant that it is, actually, somehow, more harmful for siblings to have sex with each other, than to do murder and cannibalism. Is this the hill you’re dying on? What you’ve decided is of such utmost importance and injustice that you decide to go harass some random indie dev who just wants to make a silly video game about a couple of siblings eating people?

Does it truly make sense to let your kneejerk moral disgust guide you to the conclusion that the creator of this game deserves to be persecuted for merely writing about and drawing a thing you don’t like?

Well, to answer that, we have to get into the question of whether or not “immoral fiction” is harmful, or “normalizing” things that are wrong. Does fictionally depicting an immoral action actually cause harm?

I could dance around in circles for a little while about the edge cases, and certain writers who are publishing bad or hateful material in bad faith, or fascist propaganda, which is of course always bad, or whatever other example I could use to qualify my point or list out an exception to appease the people who disagree with me, but, I’ll just cut right to the chase, and tell you the answer

No!

The answer is NO!

The thing about taboos is that they don’t make us more safe. They don’t protect us from bad things. All they do is protect people’s comfort by silencing people they don’t want to understand, and enable bad actors by keeping their victims in the dark, and denying them the ability to talk about it.

The only thing we end up doing by censoring stories about these uncomfortable topics, and making it socially unacceptable to talk about them, is make it harder to know. We deny ourselves knowledge. We deny ourselves a conversation about these subjects, we deny ourselves the ability to meaningfully understand them. We deny ourselves power, what little we have, as readers, to understand, and to critique, to reason.

There’s a tumblr post I really like. Well, a number of them, I really like, on this topic, but I’m picking this one, because it’s got a quote I really like. It talks about Lolita. That Lolita. And, now, I’ve never read Lolita, at least not yet. Lolita is a novel about child sexual abuse, told from the perspective of an abuser. It’s an uncomfortable book with an uncomfortable topic, and it’s not wrong to be uncomfortable with it. The author of this post acknowledges that.

But they talk about it. They talk about how it shines a light on its subject matter. The why and the how of abusers and their actions. The ways in which their victims suffer. How it shows all of this in a way that it only could from the perspective it takes. And, I’m just going to quote them. I can’t do anything else. They said it better than I could, right now.

“Embrace disgusting fiction and then fucking talk about why it’s nasty. Now YOU have the power over reality.” - tumblr user legsdemandias

The Coffin of Andy and Leyley has been ridiculed, joked about, hot taked on, made a target, drama-ed over, and so on, but it’s hardly been criticized. No one I’ve seen admitting to not liking it talks critically about why it’s disgusting to them, or tries to understand why it exists, or what it’s for. And this is most people’s reaction to most media that deals seriously with anything taboo. “I don’t get it. I don’t like it. It shouldn’t exist. Get it away from me.”

I’m annoyed that the medium, the art form, of video games, is valued so little by so many that this is the wide reaction when something like this gets popular. That the mainstream games journalism media ridicules it, and the creator gets threatened by an internet mob, and it falls on the weirdos and the freaks and the no-name YouTube uwu girls, to give it the serious consideration and recognition it deserves.

To summarize, The Coffin of Andy and Leyley is, in my opinion, a very good video game, and on its behalf, I am mad at video games.

Now, go on. You made it through this video. I told you the plot! You can probably stomach the plot! So go, go. Shoo. Go buy Nemlei a drink. If you want to.

Or, buy us, the joystick system, a drink! You can do that at patreon dot com slash joycestick, or, ko-fi dot com slash joycestick. You can buy us drinks in both of those places.

I’ve been Audrey. Thank you for listening.

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[misanderousmisfit]

Love this review of Challengers by none other than Serena Williams, Here is what she said about Patrick and Art:

Pat definitely felt real to me; I’ve seen guys like that before. The tour is difficult in general, but let me tell you, the men’s Challengers Tour—which Art and Patrick are playing before hopefully advancing to the US Open—is crazy. You end up in some random countries in the middle of nowhere, having to stay in a hostel. And, like Pat, there are players who really struggle, and sometimes end up living in their car.

I recognized Art, too. A lot of male tennis players really rely on their wives and girlfriends. Just look at someone like Roger Federer: he used to actually hit with his wife, Mirka, and they were like glue. You see that so much in men’s tennis, especially with the players that are doing really well, but I was like that, too. If you’re on the top, no one speaks to you. You’re alone so much that you end up being really dependent on your team and their opinions. And, I mean, I was codependent with Venus at the beginning—worse than Art with Tashi. She was my support system. So it’s interesting that the movie was able to capture some of that experience.

And here is what she says about Tashi:

I’ll admit that I found Zendaya’s character, Tashi—who plays in the juniors before going to Stanford, getting injured, and finally coaching Art (Faist), her husband—pretty tough to take. Tashi was just mean, for lack of a better word. But it’s true that when you’re really competitive, you have to make tough decisions, including in your dating life. You have to find someone who really understands your mind. At first that was Patrick (O’Connor), Art’s best friend, but Pat didn’t take tennis seriously enough. (I wasn’t like Tashi, but I was definitely tough at that stage in my life.) Her love triangle with them was messy, but that was in service to the story, and I think Zendaya captured her character’s tensions really well. I also think it’s kind of a great sign when a performance gets under your skin like that.

Link to article:https://www.vogue.com/article/serena-williams-challengers-review

[a-doubleh-x]

Why I like Chaggie

Hey! My last casual ship review did pretty well, so here I am with another! Needless to say, but thank you all for the interactions, I appreciate it very much 🥰

Last time I talked about Charlastor, a notorious controversial ship and today I'll talk about a surprisingly controversial ship: Chaggie. Why do people dislike this ship? I'll go a bit into it on the second half of this post, but first I'll talk on the positive I see in this cute couple.

First of all, as a guy in his late twenties who's been on at least one relationship, I will say that I appreciate a relation that's mostly based on comfort and support. Some people might think that's boring or not quite the basis of romance, but I think quite the opposite. Johnathan Decker, a licensed couples therapist on youtube (you might know him from Cinema Therapy) often talks about how safety and mutual understanding are the basis of any lasting relationship.

At the start of the Amazon series, Charlie and Vaggie have been together for 3 years, which is evident in many of their day to day interactions. They're comfortable with each other, they rely on each other and best of all, they still coo every now and then over how adorable the other is.

That is not to say the relationship is without conflict, which in my opinion as a writer it's the lifeblood of any good story. Vaggie is clearly quite codependent of Charlie, which is why a large portion of her self worth is based on being useful to her. However, I think the two of them do a decent job of talking through the problems this brings sometimes, such as episode 3.

I think it's cool that the relationship seems to work despite their rocky moments. Charlie most likely thinks a person like Vaggie is a breath of fresh air in Hell, she's selfless, loyal and dedicated. That's probably the reason why she has so much patience with her, a feeling that I'm certain is mutual. Vaggie is clearly very aware of how silly and idealistic Charlie is, in fact she often tries to nudge her to be careful with her attitude. And even though she may not agree with everything, she still always supports her without appearing judgemental, which I think speaks volumes of her character.

Now, let's talk about the shortcomings in the face of the audience. Some people think there's not enough substance in canon to be sold on the couple, which I think is a valid opinion. Some people argue that Chaggie's relationship is boring and not quite as interesting to watch as Charlastor, which I don't entirely agree with. Some people plain dislike or hate Vaggie because they think she's just a naggy chick who is an awful partner to Charlie in every way, which I *definitely* don't agree with.

My opinion falls in a more moderate standpoint. I think, even in the series, their relationship isn't boring, but it could've been presented better. While I said earlier that I think conflict is good in a story, I think a problem in the series that's probably unintentional is that most of the story beats with Charlie and Vaggie are negative.

In episode 3, they have a fight over their lack of communication. In episode 6, Vaggie puts her own secret status as a fallen angel over Charlie, which harms her later. And in episode 7, Charlie spends most of the episode mad at Vaggie and they make up offscreen, which is something unilaterally most fans believe was a mistake.

To the showrunner's credit, there are some positive major story beats. There's Charlie's trust fall on Vaggie, which was cute. There's their beautiful duet in episode 8. And there's them fighting alongside each other in the final battle.

Unfortunately, the fact their arc is a bit wonky and doesn't have a proper buildup makes it so that the climax (the duet) may feel a bit unearned. I don't want to make this whole post about the series because I could spend all day talking about it, so I'll just say for now that i underdtand why some people aren't sold on the ship.

I will say. Some fans have some very beautiful, gorgeous pictures of this ship. There's this great comic made by squids-and-fruitcake that's been running around about Charlie giving Vaggie a gift for Christmas (here's a youtube link in case you want to watch a dub, I couldn't find the original)

I think it's a great example of why this relationship works: they love each other. They may not completely understand each other's circumstances, but they try every day and are still together because of their mutual effort.

Charlie herself, as Hell's number 1 laughingstock can really use the support and the fact that Vaggie supports her even though she doesn't have all the answers means a lot to her. She brings her stability, peace and affection, all things she lacked until she met her.

Vaggie, on the other hand, who was plunged against her will into a pit of violence and cynicism also needs Charlie's perspective. She loves the fact that she cares about something bigger than herself, that she wants to help damned people like her, which given her circumstances I think it's something she also needs in a fundamental level.

That haz bin my review for today! What do you think? Do you like Chaggie? Do you think it could've been written better? What's your favorite interaction between them? Let me hear your thoughts! It's been fun to put my thoughts down for casual reviews, I hadn't done it before, so expect more in the future while I'm still working on the next chapter of my fanfic.

I think I already have an idea about what my next Hazbin post is going to be about (hint: it has to do with Angel Dust). Thank you again for all the love, hope to see you all soon!

[polyamzeal]

Polywise Review

When I first learned of non-monogamous, I seeked out as many resources as possible to learn if I really was it. Some of the most important resources were a few books. The communities I found made it seemed like you were not even allowed to have a license to be polyamorous unless you first read certain books. At that time, the holy bible of polyamory was More Than Two and before it was The Ethical Sluts. These were the books everybody recommended as a must-read if anybody wanted to learn more about polyamory, no matter what aspect of polyamory they wanted to learn more about. These books were hyped up like they would cover everything. Those books have fallen out of favor now a days and are hardly ever recommended and when they are people are quick to jump in to talk about their controversies as a reason why nobody should read them for them anything. So a new book had come along to become the new holy bible of polyamory. That book was Polysecure by Jessica Fern. How do I feel about Polysecure? I think it is a good book that is over-rated and over-recommended. Unlike the previous bibles, I do not see Polysecure as a polyamory 101 book. It does not get into the very basics of polyamory at all. It is much more of a polyamory 102 book, a book to read once you are ready dig deeper and study the more advanced topics. I think it is great we have 102 books! I am glad that every polyamory book out there is not just an introduction to polyamory. I often mention that "Love's Not Colorblind" by Kevin Patterson is a fantastic polyamory 102 book! Polysecure feels more focused on attachment theory than polyamory honestly to me. It is really interesting stuff to read but I never really felt like it applied much to my relationship, I rarely felt insecure in my relationships. I had other problems that needed working on in different ways.

So all that to say that Jessica Fern had a second book come out. And despite having some issues with the community worshipping the first book, I was ready to give the author another chance. It sounded like this book was going to be more of what the community makes Polysecure out to be. And yeah, I am happy to say it is accurate. Now I still don't think this is quite a polyamory 101 book. If you want an introduction to polyamory that covers all the basics there are other books I would recommend like "The Smart Girl's Guide To Polyamory" by Dedecker Winston or "Ready For Polyamory" by Laura Boyle. But Polywise is more of a 101 book than Polysecure is. Maybe Polysecure is really a 103 book with Polywise being 102.

Whhat do I have to say about the contents of Polywise? Honestly not much despite everything I prefaced it with. The book is good and i liked quite a bit! But like the last book, it is meaty intellectual topics that make your brain think. Which makes it a bit hard to summarize and untangle in a simple review without going page by page. I do like how much focus is put on how many little tiny things change when going from monogamy to non-monogamy that you wouldn't think of or plan for. Also the whole book has an angle of not just monogamy to non-monogamy but also one form of non-monogamy to a different form of non-monogamy. It is very thought-provoking. From my favorite chapter was on codependency & differentiation. It was amazing to have words for these phenomenons I had personally observed serveral times but didn't know what to call it. I feel like that chapter in particular will be really useful to a lot of people. Finally there was a lot of unpacking old habits that were once useful but are now harmful. It really shines a spotlight on the shift to non-monogamy being a really big change that I don't think a lot of newbies often understand.

I highly recommend Polywise: A Deeper Dive Into Navigating Open Relationships by Jessica Fern & David Cooley. I think it is a better book than Polysecure. My caveat is I don't know if it should be the very first book you read about Polyamory.

[blossoms-phan]

I keep seeing people mentioning a crazy eating schedule that happened when Dan was on tour and how adorably codependent it was, but despite lots of searching I can find no explanation or details as to what they mean by crazy? You always seem so nice to your anon asks thought I might see if you know :)

hi anon :3 first of all u are so sweet I am but a humble phannie with arguably too much knowledge about two British gays and I feel like a mother hen sending out tidbits to my little chicklets when I get asks like this so. sorry for being weird ty send me all the qs

so afaik this specific sentiment mostly comes from wdapteo 3/4 (ty for enabling me to rewatch them)

at 11:30 in wdapteo 3 dan sends phil a pic of him having a doughnut and phil’s like “should I get one off deliveroo so we’re in sync” and Dan says yes and talks about how it’s important to be on the same food wavelength when you live with someone

then there’s the ensuring they were on the same wavelength being hyped for their saturday fries “fryday” tradition and immediately matching each others energy when jumping on ordering the “rare pastry” they apparently love

also they just keep each other so updated on their food rituals which is cute but. a pic sent of a waffle, a sandwich, a little dessert thing, a biscoff cookie. dan’s “pepper pastry” which phil was convinced was some sort of fateful psychic connection that they both got it when it’s like the most popular thing you can get in Sweden. the reaction every time just being like “WHAT is that” when they’re having something without each other

someone let me know if there’s something else I’m missing this is mainly just a review of every time food was mentioned in wdapteos that kind of overlapped with wad which is. a lot. but I guess it’s mainly just how they like to share and be “in sync” with their food schedules bc they seem to share meals/coffee times most of the time and that’s kind of impossible when they’re apart. but just little things like dan’s number being on phil’s deliveroo account bc they always order food together when they’re at home anyways and phil doesn’t like answering the door so they’re just so used to it he didn’t even realize this person would be calling dan when he was halfway across the world is a little devastating bc dan always answers the door for him presumably <3

[merakiui]

Omg Mera I love your codependency Azul piece! He's so insane and he's so determined to cling to his darling at all time. And when codependency boyfriend Azul evolved into codependency husband Azul? Gosh he would be so insistent on making his darling pregnant, so they will be a happy family and darling has even more reasons not to leave him! Darling initially thinks that having a baby will help Azul so they agree, but then they realise in horror that even the baby is not safe from Azul's antics. Truly, there's no escape for darling.

You’re trying your very best to help Azul, hoping that this will ease his self-destructive tendencies, but he just gets worse with a child. He’s all over you during the nine months you’re pregnant, even more obsessed and attached than before. He can’t leave you for more than a minute, so that makes going to work very stressful. He can’t let you out of his sight for more than a few minutes; he’s always so worried. It becomes so debilitating that he actually forces you to come to his work with him, and you sit in his office and read a book while Azul’s busy reviewing paperwork or revising a spreadsheet on his laptop. It’s really so troublesome, but if this is what it takes to keep your husband peacefully on track you’ll do it.

It becomes a little challenging to get you out of the house for long periods of time when you’re more heavily pregnant because you tend to become exhausted rather quickly. Azul understands it’s a lot on you because this is your first pregnancy and you’re already doing so much on your feet already, even if he insists he’ll cook and clean and do all of the housework himself so you won’t push yourself too hard. It becomes annoying quickly because you’re still capable of these things. You just need to pace yourself and take breaks occasionally. Honestly, he’s so stifling with his worries. >_< Azul might consider getting one or both of his childhood friends (Jade and Floyd) to watch over you when you feel too fatigued to get up and follow him into work, but even that is a stretch. He calls every second he gets, most often when he’s on break or out at lunch. He asks so many questions because he’s always so afraid that something’s happened and he’s not there to help or protect. Jade always calms him down, asking, “Would we ever let any harm befall your (Name)?” He alway says your (Name) as if you’re Azul’s possession and not your own person. Azul knows the answer to this question well. Of course the twins can keep you safe. They’re ruthlessly strong. Still, he worries. He always does.

And when it’s time for the baby to come into the world… omg he’s a mess. He doesn’t want the doctors and nurses touching you, but he knows they have to because they’re professionals and they’ll ensure the baby’s delivered safely. He hates seeing you in pain, but soon it’ll be over and you’ll get to hold the baby and he can finally have the happy family he’s always wanted with you. He’s arguably “healthier” with your child because he spoils them rotten and allows them to get away with a lot of things because he dotes on them so much. He never shows them any of the nasty, monstrous sides you usually see because he only wants his child to know happiness and love. But if you try to find a way out of the relationship after giving him the child he’s wanted, he’ll use them as a means of keeping you tethered to him. After all, it won’t be a happy family if Papa Azul is found dead in the bathtub.

Your husband needs help, but then you’re not sure where to start—or how to go about starting. But you’ll have to try because it’s all you’ve ever done: try and try and try.

[ecargmura]

Wind Breaker Episode 6 Review - The Fox Leaves The False Holly

Now, THIS is a well-animated fight of pure hand-to-hand combat. No flashy magics or powers needed. It’s just two delinquents going at it. Cloverworks did an amazing job giving us a fight scene as impactful as Sakura’s brawl from the premiere. I love how it was animated! Sako uses a lot of spin-kicks and punches while Hiiragi is more powerful kicks and punches. I think my favorite aspect of the fight was when Sako was going to kick Hiiragi, but faked it by grabbing his leg. That was so cool! I also really liked Hiiragi utilizing his tall height and long legs by kicking Sako from behind. It shows that the animators know how to get creative with these fight.

Hiiragi and Sako have history with each other. They used to be friends since elementary school when the former saved the latter from bullies. This was when Sako asked Hiiragi to teach him how to fight. When they were in middle school, Sako was keen on following him for the rest of his life and believed he’d be at the top in Furin. However, Hiiragi said that he was going to work under Umemiya and not take the top spot for himself. The moment he told Sako to not follow him anymore and get a new goal in life was when the rift between them happened. It seems it could be an asinine story for some viewers, but I see it as more of Hiiragi trying to help Sako avoid a potential toxic codependent relationship. He was clearly attached to Hiiragi sort of like how Sugishita holds Umemiya in high regard. However, the only difference between Sako and Sugishita is that Umemiya is already at the top so he is someone already respected while Hiiragi is someone who doesn’t want to take that position for himself. Sako could’ve been someone who could’ve been spiteful of Umemiya or Hiiragi because of this because had Sako gone to Furin, there would be a lot of tension. This was why Sako drifted away from Hiiragi and decided to join Shishitoren after Togame and Choji scouted him. Sako believes that power comes from doing things on your own, without the need to depend on anyone. The fact that Hiiragi chooses to be a follower and not a leader was what irked him.

As someone who read the manga last weekend, I want to say that there’s a very interesting theming with Bofurin and Shishitoren. All of the Bofurin members are named after plants, hence why their team’s image color is green and why Umemiya likes gardening. For example, Sakura’s name uses the kanji for Cherry Blossom. In Hiiragi’s case, his name comes from the Japanese word for Osmanthus heterophyllus, or false holly. The “ko” in Sako’s name is the kanji for fox. By extension, all of Shishitoren are named after animals. The To in Tomiyama stands for rabbit. The Game in Togame stands for turtle. The Ma in Arima stands for horse. The Ka in Kanuma stands for deer. It also helps that Shishitoren means Lion’s Head, hence the animal themed names. I think it’s super creative from a writer’s standpoint.

Speaking of Sako, I have to say that I really like his design. Wind Breaker’s character designs are so intricate. Sako stands out a lot to me. While he’s not as pretty as Suo, I still consider him a beauty. He stands out, hence why I think he’s pretty. It also helps that he does look like a fox like his namesake. No, it’s not weird to call male anime characters pretty and I’ll keep doing it.

I also liked the little banter Sakura, Nirei and Suo usually have as an audience member. Sakura’s shit talking actually gets his allies motivated. Suo’s fighting style is supposed a hodgepodge of different martial arts as his instructor was self taught. Hmmm, this does support my Suo being a successor theory…

As a manga reader, the Hiiragi and Sako fight was animated superbly. However, I honestly cannot wait for Sakura vs Togame, which will happen next week. All I can say is that Hiiragi’s words towards Togame, “You don’t know what’s going to happen” is foreshadowing the results of the match. Who do you think will win?

[devotioncrater]

ed/stede + edizzy + edward's bipolar

oh man the first three episodes of season 2 are. wow. okay. much to unpack. more fuel for my Edward Has Bipolar Theory.

DISCLAIMER: i am not a clinician, nor do i hold any degree in the psychology field. this meta is purely drawn from my own experience with diagnosed bipolar i, alongside what i've learnt in years of therapy as well as reading bipolar books/articles and peer-reviewed research papers. above all, this meta is for fun; please do not use this as a self-diagnostic.

this meta is broken up into sections:

the intro section

the bipolar section

the codependency section

the season 2 speculation section

The Intro Section

right away, the admittance of edward hating himself & feeling unloveable recontextualizes everything. his dynamic with stede & the crew, his dynamic with his own crew, his dynamic with izzy.

because like. hi hello?? when izzy says "you know me better than anyone else, and i daresay the same is true for me to you" it's just. a nail in the coffin. one of many nails. here's why.

it took an insane amount of vulnerability for edward to open himself up to stede in season 1. it took a lot out of him to even accept stede's love, and then believe it to be real. he believed that just for one moment in his scarred life, he was someone worth loving, baggage and all. as he himself was. for who he was. stede saw him and loved him and accepted him. if edward had been there to hear when lucius said to stede that the time edward spent with stede was the best it'll ever be for him, edward probably would've agreed.

which is. oh man. it would be a bit of a thin ice situation, wouldn't it? that's fucking bleak.

before we get into that, we need to dissect the dysfunction in the edizzy dynamic. i mean it's all tragic, all toxicated, especially with the downward spiral edward's on. so why examine it? what is there to examine?

the downward spiral began in season 1, became abated by stede & the crew, only to jumpstart at the end thanks in part to izzy. so we need to examine why, because edizzy's dysfunction plays a role in all of this mess.

it's undeniable izzy triggered edward, yes, but look a little further. edward's irritability, his emptiness, his substance abuse, the sudden shift in gears between his erratic moods. the crew walk on eggshells around him, because his behavior in season 2 so far is reckless, dangerous, and suicidal. there's pressurized speech patterns and racing thoughts present and they intermingle alongside low-energetic periods when he isolates. above all, he feels hopeless. overwhelmed by a sea of loneliness. fang starts the season off being unable to recognize him.

on the flipside, in season 1, he's on the tail-end of a low when we meet him. listless, bored, passively suicidal before he swings the other way. with stede & the crew he's up in the clouds. he's affable, he's happy, he's social. there's hope for change. he tries new things, laughs, even falls in love. he imagines a life for himself outside of piracy. there's impulsive actions such as the act of grace and impulsive thoughts like sailing to china. even when stede leaves him, edward grieves at a healthy-looking level. in episode 5, when edward's mood first shifts, fang doesn't recognize him in the elevated state.

the point is, edward feels things in the extreme. he lacks emotional regulation. "uncharacteristic" high highs and low lows.

how he reacted to izzy's trigger — "this is blackbeard" — is disproportionate until you piece together two puzzle pieces:

edward likely has bipolar + his core beliefs (self-loathing/feeling unloveable) throw oxygen into the flame of his relationships.

The Bipolar Section

to get on the same page here, let me provide a few Basic Oversimplified Definitions (here is a pdf of the DSM-5 for a scientific understanding, scroll to page 168. please do not use this PDF or meta as a self-diagnostic. contact a clinician/psychiatrist if you have questions or feel you need an evaluation):

bipolar disorder: a chronic, lifelong mood disorder characterized by manic highs and depressive lows. fluctuations in moods are extreme and, depending on subtype, can inhibit functionality. it can be managed today with medication and psychotherapy.

manic episode: lasting one week or more, this is the high highs. the mood is elevated or irritable. if severe, it can include psychosis/psychotic features such as hallucinations, paranoia, and/or delusions. mania belongs to subtype Bipolar I.

hypomanic episode: lasting at minimum four days straight, this is a lesser high than manic. it does not include psychosis/psychotic features, nor does it inhibit functionality. hypomania belongs to subtypes Bipolar I and Bipolar II.

depressive episode: lasting two weeks or more, this is the low lows. anhedonia and major depression are hallmarks of a depressive episode. depression belongs to all three subtypes of bipolar (the third subtype being cyclothymia).

mixed episode: best of both worlds. a person experiencing one may possess high levels of energy — such as pressurized speech — while simultaneously feeling overwhelmingly low and suicidal. a mood may flip from elated to hopeless on a dime.

euthymia: a mood state that is stable, without (hypo)mania or depression. it is a neutral baseline which occurs between episodes.

IMPORTANT NOTE: bipolar disorder is more complex than "just a mood swing". mood swings are situational, while bipolar presents even without situational factors. think about how, in season 2, edward has got his hair in a messy updo, cleans his cabin, swears off drinking & drugs, and is smiling. he explains to frenchie that he's decided to change after a rough night. then it cuts to a flashback of him the night before lying on the floor bawling his eyes out. the scene is played for laughs, however that is a textbook bipolar mood fluctuation. you go to bed hopeless and you wake up on top of the world, or vice versa. edward's situation hadn't changed in the hours between him crying and his conversation with frenchie.

(it can be argued that he thought izzy had died, but i don't think he believed frenchie had truly finished the job. why else had he grilled frenchie? he was sweating frenchie out, testing frenchie's loyalty. "you don't think i know the smell of my rotting former first mate?" edward knew izzy was alive the entire time).

like with almost every disorder, bipolar disorder presents itself differently in different people. in my experience, when i am in either a depressive or manic episode, two different outlooks may occur:

it becomes hard to remember what life was like on the other emotional end. (i.e. when manic, i tend to downplay my prior depressive episode).

i become hyperaware of the other emotional end, so i try to either get it to happen or prevent it from happening. (i.e. not wanting to become depressed, so i'll do XYZ).

i mention these outlooks because they're common. when you're in it, you're in it; when you're out, you're out. the first outlook is something edward's actions point to him experiencing, too, as evidenced in season 2 with his extreme suicidal behavior. he's in it in it.

the ups and downs in bipolar are difficult for the person struggling with the disorder. often, it feels uncontrollable. the symptoms — especially the ones which risk becoming severe like hopelessness or distractibility — are a challenge to cope with. during the high highs, your brain feels like it's frying. during the low lows, your brain feels like dense fog. therefore it's common for people to turn to substances to help alleviate what they're experiencing, and/or they partake on an impulsive whim. drastic life changes also may occur in an attempt to "fix" or "control" the disorder. severe episodes, when left untreated, may ruin or end people's lives. people with bipolar disorder are 15x more likely to commit suicide than the general population.

people who do not have bipolar themselves yet are close to someone with bipolar may also experience related difficulty. it may feel overwhelming to witness episodes occur with little to no understanding or tools on how to help. it may also feel stressful to try and gauge what state the other person is in. "walking on eggshells" is a common descriptor for the experience when the bipolar is unmanaged. that does not mean the person with bipolar disorder is automatically bad/abusive/harmful, it just means the disorder is a disorder. it interferes with daily functioning, causes distress, and impacts interpersonal relationships.

at the end of season 1, izzy hit edward where it hurts (edward's self-loathing, intertwined with the role of blackbeard) while edward was in what i believe to be a euthymic state (calm). now with their recontextualized relationship, we also see the underlying message of: "i serve blackbeard, he is my captain." -> "edward isn't good enough for my love".

izzy loves edward, but he's made it clear in season 1 it was for edward's blackbeard persona. or was it? you see, i don't believe that claim to be entirely true anymore, not after the first three episodes of season 2.

i believe a more accurate reading would be that in season 1, izzy was concerned, jealous, and vindictive. all in that order. the above underlying message weaponizes edward's separation of Edward and Blackbeard against edward. more on this later.

in season 2, izzy is just plain concerned ("we're worried for you"). he tries a different approach at managing edward's unstable mood. he goes for a softer attempt ("i have...love for you") because maybe, maybe it could work. it worked with stede. when it backfires, he ditches it and goes right back to bluntness ("the atmosphere's fucked!"). he also refuses to kill edward despite everything edward's put him through.

both seasons' motives were not for blackbeard, but for edward.

when we meet them in season 1, their relationship is dysfunctional at best. their baseline dynamic before stede is best depicted during episode 4.

in the model ship scene, edward's excited about stede's stuff, restlessly moving, unable to focus, appearing happy even though he's a hair-trigger away from irritability. he purposefully avoids or dismisses izzy's concerns about dying. he feels bored and trapped ("is this all there is?"), then feels frustration over feeling trapped, citing that he's blackbeard and blackbeard shouldn't feel trapped.

later in the episode, izzy frustratingly points out that edward's moods are "increasingly erratic" and something that izzy himself has had to manage. izzy also states that he's followed edward's every whim for years, and smoothed over their crew for him. edward, again dismissive, says "sounds stressful, izzy". izzy says it is but he felt honored to do it all for blackbeard, who is the greatest sailor he's ever known. this ties into their codependency, which i'll go over later on.

at this point in time, "edward" and "blackbeard" are synonymous, the names are just different titles reserved for different settings. edward himself doesn't see a distinction until stede — a person he respects — consistently treats him like Edward and not like Blackbeard. edward's identity to Blackbeard separates because he opens himself up to the possibility that Edward is someone worth knowing. Blackbeard, once a healthy coping mechanism created to survive in the pirating world, had soured somewhere along the way into an unhealthy coping mechanism. it became more of a cage than a home.

but to izzy, "blackbeard" is a good thing to be because it's an accomplishment of edward's. they built their whole careers and lives around it. when izzy says he's honored to sail with blackbeard, the greatest sailor out there, he says it to try and bring edward back to himself. it's his botched attempt at grounding/helping edward. if edward can be reminded of how great he is, reinforced by his accomplishments under the name blackbeard, maybe he'll snap out of his funk. if edward values izzy, loves izzy how izzy thinks edward does, he'd see the weight behind the compliment. izzy doesn't sail for just anybody.

it's botched entirely because any time edward tries to voice how "blackbeard" really makes him feel, izzy dismisses/minimizes/mocks it. he isn't supportive to edward because he feels threatened in two parts: that edward finds stede fascinating, and that edward is making a drastic life change for both of them based on yet another mood whim.

to izzy, edward becoming Edward and ditching Blackbeard would mean izzy's lost control of the situation, which means izzy's lost control of edward, which means no one will have control of edward. not even edward himself. this is yet another facet of izzy's codependency.

side note: speaking of names, in the calico jack episode, we know "ed" is a nickname edward doesn't allow people to call him. the only two people who call him "ed" are stede and izzy.

so that begs the question: why did izzy call edward "eddy" in season 2? where the hell does that nickname come from? why does edward use it on himself when he was struggling in purgatory?

based on these two conversations in episode 4, we can glean both sides of the situation. on one side is edward, who is struggling mentally and whose work is deteriorating because of it. on the other side is izzy, who is equal parts concerned about edward and frustrated at him because he isn't functioning as well as he used to, leaving izzy to clean up his messes. since this has been a years-long tension point, they are both at the end of their ropes. about to snap.

that is how we meet them.

from then on, edward begins falling for stede, and his mood shifts. he begins functioning better. stede is genuinely good for him. stede, with his different view on life, provides emotional balance and radical acceptance and a general softness that edward's been missing. he is supportive, he is kind, and he treats edward like edward isn't broken.

but stede is not accustomed to pirate life or its reality. he's naive to the point of foolish. foolish to the point of fatality. and izzy sees those flaw points right away. it's a red flag to him because how can edward — passively suicidal edward — be trusted to not take advantage of stede's naivety and steer them all into a doomed situation?

edward's relationship with stede is also where izzy's jealousy kicks into gear, clouds his judgement.

i mean, shit, wouldn't anyone feel slighted? if you devote your life to a man, stick with him through thick & thin, feel responsible for both of your lives, go above and beyond, worry over his wellbeing, put him before yourself....just for him to run off with a wannabe pirate.

a wannabe pirate who has only known your man for a fraction of the time you and your man have been together. his weeks compared to your years. yet somehow he gets your man's good side, gets the love you desperately want.

of course izzy's seething. wouldn't anyone?

it makes sense for izzy to sell edward and stede out to the british navy. he's spiteful, vindictive. bet there's a bit of hurt pride to it, too. it's fucked! it's a terrible thing to do!

his motive here boils down to, once again, keeping edward alive. cleaning up what he perceives to be another mess. sell stede out, keep edward where he can see him. izzy hates spanish jackie's, he hates the navy, he doesn't enjoy any of it. this is his hail mary, his last ditch effort.

of course it backfires. royally. no one expected edward to call for an act of grace. to sign away his life. izzy tries to stop him, but edward goes where stede goes. and soon after that, edward returns without stede.

and soon after that, the situation deteriorates. edward's launched into a severe mixed episode, triggered by the compounded stress of stede leaving and izzy's rejection of Edward. pressurized speech, emptiness, irritability, suicidal behavior, increased goal-directed activity...he ping-pongs between mania and severe depression. this is more than a break-up.

edward struggles with emotional impermanence. when stede's right in front of him, kissing him, edward feels secure that stede loves him. but when stede doesn't meet him at the dock? Stede Never Loved Me.

another example: izzy. when izzy obeys edward's orders, edward feels secure that izzy loves him. but when izzy speaks up or disagrees? Izzy Never Loved Me.

"he was your friend," jim tells edward, in reference to edward's awful treatment of izzy. but edward, at this intersection of a severe mixed episode + emotional impermanence, can't see that.

he burns his bridges left and right. destroys everything because he's lashing out in pain and he doesn't think he deserves anything good. Blackbeard? sure, he'll be Blackbeard. Blackbeard is all he'll ever be anyways. a killer, a pirate, a crazy captain who does too much rhino horn.

edward hates himself so fiercely that he only finds relief during the storm, right before he believes he's going to die. "finally."

The Codependency Section

edward's relationship with izzy was always going to end in destruction.

they both love each other, we have canon confirmation of this. "i have...love for you" and "i loved you best i could".

edward's confession is critical here, because he did love izzy as best as he could. there exist moments between them that shine light into possible happier times. the way edward talks to izzy to placate him in season 1 when izzy packs a dinghy, even if manipulative at the time, requires intimate knowledge on what izzy would be receptive to. david jenkins mentioned that it was izzy who helped doll edward up for the season 1 ball, an offscreen act of intimacy. edward tries unsuccessfully to connect with izzy over stede's model ship and the clouds. the casual way edward says "i had a dream about you last night."

"best i could." if edward hated himself less, he could have loved izzy more. if he believed he was deserving of love, he could have accepted the fact izzy loves him.

so they both love each other, but love is not enough to combat self-hate. it just isn't. the only opponent to self-hate is self-compassion.

self-compassion is a process you have to choose for yourself. you must work on it yourself, hopefully with the aid of an external support system. self-compassion is separate from self-love and other forms of love because, oftentimes, people who operate under the core belief of Being Unloveable also operate under an assumption that love is conditional. "i'm not enough" / "i'll never be enough" / "i don't deserve love" / "i'm too much". it's unrealistic for someone to jump headfirst into healing when that healing is programmed with restrictions. we are our own worst critic. so to practice self-compassion is to soothe that inner, hater critic until we heal ourselves enough to get to a place where we can practice unconditional love on the neglected self.

the conditional love aspect is one that is modeled. edward grew up in an abusive household. abusers hold their victims out on a string of conditions. furthermore, his mother rejected his interest in fine things by saying that it's not "for people like us". it makes sense for edward to internalize an "i'm not [rich/nice/good/etc] enough" message, thereby shutting himself out.

he continues to shut himself out in the aftermath of killing his alcoholic father. he doesn't tell anyone about the traumatic event — an oscillation into "i'm too much" — until he opens up to stede.

so here you have an unloveable boy, the victim of domestic violence and the killer of his own father, going into the chaotic world of pirating. a world — put so eloquently by calico jack in season 1 — where everyone fucks each other over. where trust is a prized, rare currency.

and somewhere along the way, he and izzy find each other. and they stick together for years.

both edward and izzy bottle their emotions up and then blow up on each other. it's so completely different to how stede & the revenge crew operate. it's years of miscommunication and mutual resentment between them, caused in part due to their pirate enviornment. their pattern is hot and cold. reactive.

izzy smooths over things with the crew -> edward is dismissive of izzy -> izzy blows up on edward and resigns -> edward convinces izzy to stay -> edward begins falling for stede -> izzy and stede fight over edward's heart -> izzy gets exiled for losing, edward says nothing -> izzy goes vindictive mode and sells edward/stede out to the navy -> edward hates izzy's guts -> edward comes back without stede, depressed -> izzy smooths over things with the crew -> edward is dismissive of izzy -> izzy blows up on edward and triggers him -> edward convinces izzy to stay through violence

it's that one friend who keeps returning to their shitty partner — on again/off again —, only here they both are the shitty partner.

the thing about unhealthy relationships is that they provide a layer of comfort. it's known territory. which is why, when an unhealthy relationship morphs into a codependent one, it is incredibly difficult to break out of them.

codependency definition: excessive emotional or psychological reliance on a partner, typically one who requires support on account of an illness or addiction.

like conditional love, codependency is learned/modeled inside of a dysfunctional family setting.

it works a bit like an ouroboros in that it's an infinite loop. the codependent partner compulsively takes care of their struggling partner in the hopes they get better. this role of "caretaker" makes them feel needed/wanted, ergo filling their own low self-esteem void. however, all the rescuing does is enable the struggling partner further into self-destruction.

sound familiar?

izzy is edward's caretaker. izzy is codependent.

important note: no one feels good inside of a codependent relationship. there may be positive periods, yes, but codependency is primarily stressful for both parties involved.

in order to blossom, codependency relies on low self-esteem.

we know edward oscillates with his self-esteem, but we don't talk about how low izzy's self-esteem is.

izzy doesn't have an identity outside of edward, with the exception of being one of the best swordsmen in the pirating world. of course, this exception is taken from him when edward cuts his toes off.

izzy is high-strung with a compulsive need for control. things must be done when he orders them to, to the high standards he creates. do not question his authority. this compulsion is exasperated by edward's uncontrollable mood shifts.

izzy rolls with the punches, metaphorically and literally. he shuts down attempts at comfort, evidenced by his knee jerk reaction when fang hugs him in season 2. "i'm fine. unhand me. unhand me!" he doesn't allow himself to fully break down and cry. the tears only appear in this scene, and when edward attempts to get izzy to kill him.

loyal to a fault, izzy threatens to leave, goes to leave, but never leaves. he gets casted out, so he devises a plan to return instead of, i don't know, creating a new life for himself. even when edward maims him, he stays.

so is this loyalty? or is this a belief that this is what he deserves? or maybe it's loyalty born from the belief that this is all he's deserving of.

a hit dog will holler, and boy does izzy holler when questioned. about his role, about himself, about who he is to edward.

so who is izzy without edward?

"you know me better than anyone else and i daresay the same applies with me to you." is an insane thing to say because izzy does know edward, but only the version of edward he stitched his skin to. the unstable, erratic version that needs help, and who he subconsciously sabotages with enablement.

and edward does know izzy better than anyone else because izzy's consumed by him.

if edward could not accept izzy's love in a direct form, then the roles izzy inhabits are his only outlet. Caretaker, Punching Bag, First Mate. 50 ways to say I Love You and none of them are healthy.

they both are violent with each other, drag each other down, but can't quit even when they know that they function better separated. codependency is an addiction, and like an addiction, the only way for this to end was in rockbottom or death.

The S2 Speculation Section

going back to the very top, here's why i say this thing with ed/stede is on thin ice right now: without edward working on his self-compassion, their relationship runs the risk of devolving into yet another unhealthy dynamic.

stede has decent self-esteem, an identity outside of edward, so i don't think they'll ever become codependent. stede also doesn't try to fix or enable edward. again, stede is genuinely good for edward.

i think the Mer!Stede scene was amazing, vital in balancing the heavy topic of suicide/death with the overarching comedy genre of the show. love saves lives, without love the world is bleak. who are we as humans without connection?

that being said, i personally want to see edward heal before jumping into a full-blown romantic/sexual relationship with stede. he deserves to choose himself, nurture Edward, and figure out how to manage his moods. especially since his last relationship with izzy was so tumultuous.

speaking of izzy, i also want to see izzy find himself and heal, too. he needs to learn how to let go. i'm hoping he'll build up his self-esteem in his own way, doing something he's good at (maybe as a sword-fighting instructor?).

either way, i trust the direction this show will go in. they've done well so far in their depictions of mental health and the impact of mental health. it'll be interesting to see the rest unfold.

[kit-williams]

Forehead Kiss

Male Lead: König (called Hans here) Universe/AU: Call of Duty Modern Warfare 2 (reboot) Canon Status: ???

Note: Listen I write as if the reader is in their 30s because that's just how old I am and so enjoy

Hans had a lot wrong with him. Nothing that finding a not so scrupulous doctor couldn't keep him from the field. But also nothing that you couldn't fix. Of course, you pointed out how toxic that line of thinking was and Hans just either bribed you with gifts or affection or called out your own not so healthy line of thinking... how your relationship with the giant of a man was slightly codependent.

Ach that always got him in trouble was being combative not like he couldn't help it... it's what he was always motivated to be. A good solider... a good leader... a good bastard of a man. But not very good to be in a relationship with a man like him. Oh he knows he could continue to be a bastard of a man but wants to be a good man for you so he tries.

He plays with the pencil between his fingers as he tries to figure out what to say to you. A song plays on repeat in his headphones as the training reports are being reviewed and his eyes just glaze over now that he is thinking of how to be a better partner. So the rest of the day starts to blur.

Does he try to bribe you like a belligerent mark or turncoat? No... he doesn't feel like he needs to bribe you for affection when you give it so easily. He doesn't feel too sorry about what he said as sometimes you need a kick to the teeth and a reminder of what shit he is willing to put up with. It was a non negotiable that he's allowed to just be himself around you and sometimes that means his mouth gets him in trouble. Hans frowns as he realizes he is at the door of your apartment and knocks.

He watches your eyes widen then your face rest in a neutral expression. "You here to talk?"

All of his planned speeches leave his mind as he rests his hands on your shoulders, "Ja in a way." Before you can reply his hands move up to cup your cheeks as he leans down and rests his scarred lips against your forehead as he leaves a gentle kiss. "Hallo liebling."

You cant help but smile as you feel him leave gentle soft kisses on your forehead and his fingers run under your chin, "Hallo meine liebling." You say as you invite him in. You can close your eyes as you snuggle on the couch with your Austrian cutie. You just feel the way his lips rest on the crown of your head before once again he cups your cheeks again and rests another kiss upon your forehead as the night carries on and what made you both upset is forgotten.

Fluffuary Taglist: @bispecsual @the-californicationist @egrets-not-regrets @libraryshadow @bleedingichorhearts @liar-anubiass-blog

[anincompletelist]

2023 writing roundup :D

hi all! thank you to @hgejfmw-hgejhsf @rockyroadkylers @songliili @littlemisskittentoes for the tags on this! I loved getting to go back through all of the works you guys have shared with us this year (and hearing about some of your upcoming projects as well!)

I realized that I did do a year in review post, but that was mostly stats, so I figured I'd participate in this one as well since it'd be nice to have all of my fics linked in one place for organizational purposes!

thank you guys for everything this year, I can't wait for all that's coming in the next one! <3

sarah / anincompletelist xx

Sure As The Stars in the Sky | E | 20k

It shouldn't matter that Alex has been present for each and every one of Henry's most important life milestones, sometimes the singular catalyst for them. It shouldn't be important that he's grown to be more familiar to Henry than even some of his own family members, that part of him is burrowed so deeply into Henry's subconscious that he can taste it sometimes, that even when Alex crashes in, spirited and passionate, it feels like an easy exhale; like coming home. It shouldn't matter, but it does.

praying our bridges don't make waves | E | 82k

When June gets sick, Alex knows he'll do whatever it takes to make sure she gets the care that she needs. Even if that means convincing his nemesis/sexuality-crisis-inducing/clandestine hook-up partner/somewhat of an actual friend to pretend to be his soulmate in order to pull it off. It's both more and less complicated than it sounds.

kiss me like you've got nowhere to be | M | 3k

In the three years they’ve lived together, he thinks it’s safe to say that he and Alex have gotten… close. The kind of close that other people like to point out sometimes when they’re in public, and not just their overinvolved older sisters and overly suggestive friends. A few of Alex’s colleagues have made comments when Henry shows up at the holiday parties or after a stressful work day to make sure Alex is eating and staying hydrated, just the same as Henry’s clients each know little bits of odd Alex-facts that he lets slip sometimes in his sessions. Regardless, it’s all terribly domestic, and the twinge of satisfaction Henry gets when Alex’s dates don’t go well is most definitely not appropriate, even if they are kind of in a weird, probably mostly platonic, very codependent relationship. If he’s not careful, Henry’s going to get himself so, so hurt one of these days.

I feel the beating of your heart, I see the shadows on your face | M | 18k

It’s certainly not what Alex would have predicted a few days prior. If someone had told him he’d be tenderly embracing his self-imposed enemy after switching bodies with him for seventy-two hours and embarking on an unintentional journey of self discovery and then finally finding their way back to each other to ask for a True Love’s Kiss that may or may not break the curse that flipped their lives upside down - Well, Alex would have told them to fuck off.

but I can count on you to tell me the truth when (I've) been drinking and you're wearing a mask | M | 8k

The room goes quiet again, Alex too focused on the sound of his own breathing. He’s already started, he figures, and the person still hasn’t left. But this next bit is a little more personal, and Alex isn’t positive what the parameters are for one-sidedly conversing with a masked stranger about your best kept secrets at a halloween party when you’re so drunk that the floor is beginning to look like it may open up and swallow you whole. Isn’t sure if that might be better anyway.

who ya gonna call? | M | 7k

Henry is a ghostwriter. Alex is a little confused on what exactly that means.

I'll bet it all on me and you, I'll bet it all you're bulletproof | M | 11k

“Let’s do this,” he says. “Let’s,” Alex agrees, pushing down on the handle until the door swings open. “After you, boyfriend.” This is most definitely not his finest idea. Henry usually practices much better self preservation skills. Much better common senseskills. He steps over the threshold of Alex’s room and it feels like sealing his fate. They’re doing this for Alex to win over their bosses in a lighthearted game with a harmless lie, but Henry can’t fight off the bitter knowledge that, regardless of how tonight goes, Alex will be fine, but Henry has so much to lose.

(+ listen to the podfic here!)

but if you could see us from a distance you'd know I've always been so close to you | E | 10k

Objectively, standing half-soaked from rainwater with a stitch in his side and an uncomfortable, raging hard-on outside his worst enemy’s door is not Henry’s finest moment. It’s not even on the list. [or, henry is afflicted with a curse-gone-wrong that stipulates that only his sworn enemy, alex claremont-diaz, can touch him.]

you make it look so easy, I know it's not | T+ | 8k

Bea’s to his left, speaking frantically on the phone with who Henry hopes is the fire brigade or someone else trained to deal with these— situations. In front of him, Pez is fumbling frustratedly with the water hose, showcasing his colorful vocabulary with a flourish of jerky hand movements and chaotic pacing. On either side of the fence, his neighbors are peaking over the sides to ask if everything’s okay, and Henry feels the resolution to make a good first impression crumbling and slipping rapidly out of his grasp. Even David watches on from inside the house, his sage eyes and patriotic bowtie appraising the scene and looking back to Henry as if to say I told you so. And the fryer — the fryer itself is up in flames, thick gray smoke swirling up into the air and soaring high above the tree line now. In the distance, the echo of sirens. Henry may faint right here, in the middle of his backyard at his new home before he's even unpacked, with all the neighbors and his family and friends watching on, on his first official American Thanksgiving. It is, by all means, not what he’d envisioned for the day.

somehow I'd get by (part one) | E | 13k

Henry should have known, probably, that accepting a job offer from Pez would have its nuances. It’s his own fault that he hadn’t asked more questions, that he hadn’t regarded it as a red flag when he’d had to sign several very thick NDA’s at the onboarding, when Pez had smiled so big and so secretively when they went out to celebrate afterward that Henry had to physically look away from it. Though he’s new to the city, he’d thought that working as an accountant wouldn’t offer all that many opportunities for any sort of overly odd, eclectic jobs. So he’d shown up on his first day at the provided address, a big, nondescript brick building in front of him with a duffel bag full of his sign-on papers, his computer, and a framed photo of his dog, David, ready to take up its rightful place on yet another boring, blank desk. He’d made it all of two steps inside the door before realizing that he’d just accepted a contract working for some kind of sex club. He’d stood his ground despite the burning flush that bloomed on his cheeks and then, miraculously, he’d stayed.

take my hand if you can take me as I am | E | 14k

It would hurt less, Alex guesses, if he wasn’t head over heels for the guy he’s supposed to be fucking through an ancient one-sided sex curse with that was partially — a lot, actually — his own fault. But. It’s not like there’s a fucking handbook. Alex has looked. 

if you take a life, do you know what you'll give? | M | 9k

It would have been one thing had Alexander’s job description been simply to stay in his hotel room and operate the funds covertly, an exceedingly safe distance away from Henry and any of Le Chiffre’s men. As it is, they’d instructed Alex to play the part of Henry’s date for the night, subsequently granting him the access he’d need to the private cardroom within the casino in order to report back to headquarters the funds needed in the precise moment Henry would need them. It's too dangerous, and he knows it. Henry's had a lot of blood on his hands in this life, but he refuses to have Alex's as well.

miles to go, but we're almost home | M | 5k

Texas is a bit of a last minute decision. As in, at the actual last minute, Henry had begged them at the station for whatever ticket they had left to get out of the city, shoved his credit card at them expeditiously, and promptly boarded the vessel just as the doors slid closed behind him. Turns out it’s the best decision he’s ever made.

something borrowed, something blue | (to begin posting jan 1!)

dom!alex part two

dom!henry

+

THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU ALL FOR BEING HERE TO WITNESS ME SCREAM INTO THE VOID! this space has meant so much to me since I first read the book when it came out, but even more so once I started writing again these last few months. 2022/2023 was a very long, very lonely time in my life and I just didn't have words for a while. when the movie came out, I remembered how much I loved the book and finally opened a blank page again! I needed an outlet, and I found so much more than that <3

PLEASE consider this an open tag to brag on yourselves, but also (no pressure) --

@firenati0n @affectionatelyrs @kiwiana-writes @daisymae-12 @read-and-write- @inexplicablymine @happiness-of-the-pursuit @heybuddy-drabbles @wordsofhoneydew @nocoastposts @firstsprinces @sparklepocalypse @ninzied @getmehighonmagic @iboatedhere @magicandarchery @matherines @zwiazdziarka @raysletters @cricketnationrise @xthelastknownsurvivorx @gayrootvegetable @lizzie-bennetdarcy @eusuntgratie @whimsymanaged @priincebutt @duchessdepolignaca03 @leojfitz @user-anakin @anchoredarchangel @tinyarmedtrex @rmd-writes

cheers to a wonderful year, friends! I am so grateful for all of you and for this space that we've created to share and connect with each other and the art that inspires us. here's hoping 2024 has a lot more of that! <333

xx

[mbti-notes]

Anon wrote: Hi mbtinotes 22yo INFJ here. I recently lost a friend (INTJ) after dating her briefly. After breaking things off, there was a lot of hurt on both sides that we weren't able to reconcile. I ended up blocking her to move on, since then have unblocked but never reached out. This loss has been eating away at me every day since and I can't stop thinking about my mistakes or feeling like a failure. At the same time, I don't think maintaining a friendship was benefitting either of us.

There was a lot of drama over how I handled the breakup, and it was messy since we both still had feelings but she no longer trusted me. I also think we were in somewhat of a codependent relationship and my thoughts about her are obsessive. I constantly wonder what she's thinking and whether or not I can "fix" things despite the damage done. I've always had self esteem issues, social anxiety, and I believe have struggled with depression for a long time.

I know I have good qualities and my friends remind me all the time, but I just don't see myself that way, and I've always struggled with dating and this falling out with my friend has put me even deeper into my issues and made me more aware of them. I still care for her a lot, but I don't know if reconciliation is possible and am afraid of repeating the cycle, and she's villainized me at this point anyway. I honestly have no idea how I'm supposed to build myself up from here.

----------------------

The best way to have healthy self-esteem is to be a person of integrity. It means making decisions primarily from the perspective of your better self, with a view of the bigger picture (Ni). It means doing whatever is necessary to preserve every person's well-being, including your own (Fe). It is never too late to choose integrity. The sooner you choose it, the sooner you can get to a more positive place in life. The path to integrity is a lifelong process of learning how to be the person you're really meant to be.

When it comes to failure, having integrity means owning up to mistakes and learning to do better. The way is: face facts, take full responsibility for everything that was in your hands, and resolve the situation to the best of your ability.

Resolve is not the same as fix. "Fixing" is usually motivated by an egocentric desire to assuage guilt, silence regret, or unload resentment. By contrast, "resolving" should be motivated by care and empathy and a genuine desire to do what is best for everyone involved. Negative feelings must be laid to rest and everyone must be allowed to move on in the most positive way possible. Resolution can be a difficult process and might require several steps, for example:

Contrition: For the sake of learning and personal growth, do a full accounting of all the things you have done that were hurtful, harmful, or morally problematic. Make a list and review the reasons why you engaged in such behavior. Feel your remorse fully, and make a choice to forgive yourself by accepting that you are human and still have much to learn about how to make moral decisions.

Atonement: Issue a detailed and heartfelt apology to everyone who was negatively affected by your behavior. Provide an honest explanation for why you behaved poorly, without making excuses or deflecting responsibility. Ask for forgiveness, recognizing that you are not entitled to it and do not have control over whether it is granted. In your own mind, forgive others their mistakes, for the sake of your own well-being, because you do not want to keep carrying around the heavy burden of a heart poisoned by resentment, anger, or hate.

Closure: Do a full accounting of all the things you appreciate about the person and the relationship you had together, and say thank you to them. Express that you hope the negative experiences won't erase all the positive experiences you've had together. Sincerely wish them the best going forward. Grant everyone the freedom to open a new chapter of life.

Blame is always counter-productive to relationships. Since the relationship is basically beyond repair, continuing to play any kind of blame game (whether blaming yourself or her) is only going to keep you stuck in negativity. It sounds like blame was a significant factor contributing to the breakup, so it's time you learned a better way of handling painful feelings via improving your emotional intelligence. You need to get back in touch with your caring and empathetic side in order to let go of blame and leave the past behind.

You've had many opportunities to end the situation but instead chose to continue it. At some point, you have to make a decision as to whether your energy is better utilized moving backward or moving forward - you can't have it both ways. When you choose to move forward, feelings will fade as time passes, and you'll get better perspective from which to learn important lessons, lessons that will hopefully better equip you for success in future relationships.

Remember that the process of grieving a loss and healing from it cannot begin in earnest until you release yourself from the compulsion to fix and, instead, move toward full acceptance of reality.

[a-doubleh-x]

Fashionably Late Review: TADC Episode 2

Hi everyone! Welcome to Fashionably Late Reviews, where I write my thoughts on media days and days later, not because I've been in frequent dental pain, no, no, no. It's because I care for writing the most detailed, most thought through analysis you're ever gonna see!

Episode 1 started us with a general introduction as well as a mini arc for Pomni. Episode 2 resumes that with a proper self contained adventure while still breaking the mold in the process.

While this episode was shorter than the pilot, the writing was so good and the emotional beats so well played, I barely took notice. It felt like a very strong second step for the series, plus it gave every character at least a small moment to shine, which was very nice.

The theme of existential dread returns once more and this time we're treated to a showcase of how characters deal with it, prominently in this case Pomni, Ragatha and Jax. Interestingly, I noticed each of these has an NPC counterpart they get along with who reflects their personality in some way.

For the rest of this review, I'm going to run one by one following their perspectives and episode arcs in order to showcase the episode's narrative.

Pomni represents existential shock and subsequent apathy. After the first episode, we see her in a cathatonic state of depression, even while Ragatha tries to wake her up from that funk. Because her entire world has been shattered, she doesn't recognize herself anymore. She feels alone because nothing has meaning anymore.

The small distraction Ragatha offers her at the beginning, the adventure of the day, is rejected because she knows it's "fake". It's a sad substitute of all the experiences in the outside eorld she' been robbed of.

This is mirrored by Gummigoo, who undergoes a similar existential crisis when he learns he's an artificial construct with no agency. At that point, everything loses meaning for him as well, but just looking at someone in the same circusmtances as her fills Pomni with empathy, momentarily taking her out of her existential dread with a connection and purpose.

She knows getting out of the out of bounds area is not going to save them on the long term, but she still wants to do it because something has meaning for her again: Gummigoo, who may still be "fake" but holds enough humanity to feel "real" to her.

And then, Gummi dies, proving how fickle life is in front of an uncaring universe XD

It's still too early to say how much of an impact this will have on Pomni in the long run as well as how much of a trend it sets, so we'll see.

Ragatha represents coping through trivial distractions as as well as codependent altruism fueled by denial. We learnt the reason she goes along with the adventures is to keep herself and everyone else busy. This way everyone has something to do and don't go crazy: even if adventures are just trite entertainment.

She clearly puts others above herself, especially newbies like Pomni, in order to keep peace in the group (although I have a feeling she secretly hopes the others took care of her the same way).

Her counterpart is Princess Loolilaloo, whom she simply gets along with swimmingly. Princess Loo is presented as a sweet, kind and well meaning individual who unfortunately is blind to the circumstances surrounding her. This comes into play when she trusts the "heros" come out of nowhere with the key, which Jax holds for his own chaotic mischief.

Similarly, while Ragatha's intentions towards Pomni are benevolent, she fails to acknowledge her perspective and connect with her and instead annoys her with her toxic positivity. Fortunately, Kinger is there to teach her a valuable lesson, which is respecting others' boundaries and have patience.

Jax represents destructive revelry and rejection of morals. Because he believes nothing the crew does during their adventures matter, he spends the whole time stirring the pot in order to cause as much trouble as possible, not quite caring who gets affected as long as it's not himself.

It's interesting to note despite Jax's nihilistic tendencies, he seems to value self preservation, suggesting there are things he holds onto, after all. He's happy as long as he can see "funny things happen to people", but he's still not quite the master of his own world as he's still not satisfied if things go out of his control.

His counterpart is the Fudge, a haunting and deeply unsettling potrait of a sociopathic being. They're called a monster and they accepts that label willingly, as they were designed to be a monster. They claim to "hear the voices of the candy people, calling [them]". Tragically, their destructiveness is only in their nature.

Jax, however, causes pain deliberately and at the end we get a little hint of why. When the circus crew prepares Kauffmo's funeral, he looks sad for a moment, then angry. I think this is a subtle telling that Jax not that deep down *does* care for his fellow players, but he also rejects the pain of losing them, which is why he purposely pushes them off to avoid making connections.

At the end of the episode we're presented with a hopeful message, which is that even with the notion of existential dread, our connections are what keeps us alive in the face of non-existence. Although it seems there is no escape from the fate of abstraction yet, it seems that Pomni has gained a substantial comfort by seeing the humanity of the circus crew, represented by them grabbing her by the hand in her imaginary sequence.

All in all, a beautiful piece, although I dread what's still ahead of us XD As a writer, I've learnt to expect the unexpected, so I can only expect that we're going to have our hearts twisted and folded in ways we're absolutely *not* ready for. But it's all part of the fun! Right?

By the way, I just started writing a little fanfic for TADC. It's a Pomni x Ragatha story because I could use a little levity and I think everyone else as well. Expect that as well as more post like these in the upcoming future.

I'll see you fashionably late! 👋🎉🐊