#what do i do if they think that that’s weird? or somehow emotional labor? just off myself???

[comfycozycrossfox]

i don’t think i’ll ever fully understand how typical friendship is supposed to work

[impishtubist]

happy birthday, second-sister <3

A while back, I did a poll about what character I should breed next in my fics, and it was a VERY close call between James and Remus, and you BEGGED for James..................so I wrote you both lmao.

Anyway have an absolutely delightful birthday, @second-sister ! 

----

“Here we are, Moons! That’s the last of it,” James says cheerfully, setting the last box on the floor. He straightens, resting one hand on the small of his back and the other on his belly. “Whew! Somehow, I always forget what it’s like to essentially be carrying around an extra bowling ball. Or two, in this case. How are you feeling?”

Remus is stretched out on the couch, an arm thrown over his eyes, his other arm wrapped around his stomach. He lifts his arm to glare at James, then drops it again. 

“Right, not feeling great,” James says. “No problem! I’ll help you go through all these things. Budge up.” 

He pats Remus’s leg, and Remus bends his legs at the knees to make room on the far cushion so James can sit down. James opens the box. It’s packed with newborn babygrows, some of which are almost new.

“You’re sure you won’t need those?” Remus sounds drowsy, probably from the low-dose anti-nausea potion James forced down his throat earlier. He’s already having a hard time of it, poor thing, and he’s not even out of his first trimester yet. 

“We’ve got plenty,” James says, waving a hand. “We’ve got four kids’ worth of clothes and toys in the attic. You’ll be doing us a favor, taking some of it off our hands. Oh, look!” 

He pulls a babygrow out of the box that says Top Dog on it. “This was Harry’s first outfit. You have to take it.” 

Remus musters a smile. “I think Sirius got that for him.”

“He did, and his own baby should also wear it. C’mon, Moony, it’ll be perfect.” James is already tearing up at the thought of their kids sharing this piece of clothing. Bloody hormones. He loves being pregnant, don’t get him wrong, but the one thing he can do without are the wild emotional swings. 

Over the course of the afternoon, they slowly fill some boxes with clothing, toys, and books the Potter children have outgrown. 

“Ugh, I don’t know how you love this so much,” Remus groans finally, slumping back on the couch. He’s looking a little pale, and James grabs a bin just in case. 

“Well, it helps that I never have morning sickness,” James says, and Remus glares at him. 

“You’d probably love it even if you did.”

He’s got a point. James realizes it’s weird how much he enjoys pregnancy--they’ve got four kids to prove it, with five and six on the way--but he doesn’t spend much time worrying about it. So what if it’s weird? He loves watching his body change, loves the weird cravings, loves Lily’s foot rubs and feeling their little ones kick. He’s never had a difficult birth, either, delivering all their babies at home pretty much within an hour or two of going into labor. Hazza was the fastest of them, making his debut in the back garden while Remus and Sirius were over for lunch one day. James had barely had the chance to stand up before the little rascal was crowning.

“Probably,” James says. He doesn’t have much of a lap these days, but he can fit one of Remus’s feet on his knee, and he starts rubbing Remus’s ankle. Remus hums, closing his eyes. “I know this isn’t what you two had planned, but you’re both going to be excellent dads. I hope you know that.” 

“Sirius will be,” Remus says. 

“You too, Moons. The two of you practically raised Neville.”

A shadow passes over Remus’s face, there and gone in the space of a blink. It still stings all these years later, that Neville was given to his grandmother to raise instead of his godfather. Augusta made sure that Remus got to be involved in Neville’s life, but James knows that Remus wanted nothing more than to fulfill his duties as godfather properly.

As if on cue, the front door bursts open and Harry comes into the house like a whirlwind, Neville following more sedately behind him. Lily and Sirius bring up the rear, arms laden with shopping bags. 

“Did you have fun?” James asks as Harry perches next to him on the arm of the couch. 

“Yeah!” Harry says. “Don’t get mad, though.”

“Why would I get mad?” 

“Because your son released every snake in the reptile house at the zoo,” Lily huffs, bending to kiss James on top of the head. “We had to Obliviate half of London.” 

“What happened to the snakes?” Remus asks. He sits up, scooting closer to James so Neville can sit next to him. Neville leans automatically into his godfather, and Remus wraps an arm around him. 

“Don’t worry, Moons, we made sure they were all sent home to their respective countries.” Sirius bends to kiss him on the cheek. “You know Harry would never speak to us again if we hadn’t. Are we taking all of this home?”

“You are,” James says cheerfully.

“You realize we’re only having one baby, right, not sixteen?” Sirius surveys the twenty-three boxes with dismay.

“Don’t worry, Pads, this will last you until they’re at least eighteen months old,” James says.

Remus pales, and only James’s Quidditch-fast reflexes save both the sofa, carpet, and Neville’s shoes. He shoves the bin under Remus’s face right before he retches.

“Oh, Moony.” Sirius rubs his husband’s back. “I’m sorry, love.”

Neville pats Remus’s shoulder consolingly. Remus finishes retching, and Lily casts a spell to clean the bin while Sirius does a mouth-cleaning charm on Remus.

“You three should get home.” Lily shrinks all twenty-three boxes, places them in a sack, and hands them to Sirius. “I’ll come by and check on you tomorrow at lunchtime.” 

“Aw, Mum!” Harry complains. “Can’t Neville stay?”

“Er--” Neville fidgets, reddening slightly. “Maybe another time?”

James gets it. Neville has been the focal point of Sirius’s and Remus’s lives for the past nine years, and having a baby on the way is a huge adjustment for him. He wants to spend as much time with his uncles as he can before the little one arrives. 

“Sorry, Haz, we’ve got big plans with Nev tonight,” Sirius says, ruffling Neville’s hair. He steps over Remus’s legs and crouches in front of James, placing his hands on James’s swollen belly. “You hear that, babies? It’s movie night, so you’ve got to stay put for at least another twenty-four hours.” 

Longer than that, James hopes. He can’t wait to meet the twins, but he knows a part of him will be disappointed if he doesn’t make it to his due date. He wants to savor every second of his last pregnancy.

Sirius presses a loud, smacking kiss to James’s stomach, then gets to his feet and helps Remus up. Remus can’t stomach Apparition or Floo right now, so Sirius drove the three of them in his car. It’s an hour’s journey back to the cottage, so James wordlessly holds out the now-Scourgified bin for them to take with. Sirius waves it off.

“We’ve already got one in the car. Learned the hard way that we need to keep a bin wherever this one goes.” He wraps an arm around Remus’s waist and offers a hand to Neville. “Come on, boys. Let’s go home.” 

They leave, and Harry goes up to his room. Their three youngest are with James’s parents for the night. Harry had decided to skip the sleepover with his grandparents so that he could spend the day at the zoo instead. James has a sinking feeling that, sooner or later, they’re going to end up with more than a few snakes from the garden inside their house. Harry’s always been more than a bit obsessed with them. 

“I’d ask how you’re feeling,” Lily says, “but I know the answer will be spectacular.” 

“You’re not wrong,” James says. “Wouldn’t say no to a foot rub, though, and we can talk about Christmas plans.” 

Lily sits on the couch and pulls James’s feet into her lap, giving him a stern look. “I am not knocking you up again.” 

“Come on, Lils,” James says. “The babies will be six months by then, and seven kids is a great number to have. That’s basically an entire Quidditch team! We have the room to build another addition, and--”

“No, James.”

[loosesodamarble]

GAAAAAAAHHHH! THE WAY THIS CHAPTER HAD ME IN TEARS!

Thea isn't directly involved in the battle, but there is stuff to be done there. Celer and Adlai are sensing... something. There is something in the air. Perhaps the ripple effects of Clover's Judgement Day, of all that magic being used to fight and defend... Maybe it's shaking the very mana of the world. The threads of fate are being played with.

There's a feeling of helplessness in perspectives like this first one. The awareness of a thing, in this case the bells, but also the knowledge that a mortal individual has no sway over them can be disheartening. But Adlai and Celer do what they can with their positions. Celere leaves to inspect the Ruins while Adlai is left to think of what it could all mean.

And ah, the queen. Her Highness was able to support Clover and Solara with a bit of magic assistance back with the devils. But this time, she hasn't acting. But she's considering acting. The action vs inaction debate with Thea isn't quite "exciting" but it's something to challenge the mind. As an outside observer, I'd love it if Thea could just add their military force to Clover's to back them up against Lucius and his Paladins. But, in-universe, it's too much of a risk and I know it. There's the political ramifications of Thea sticking their nose into Clover's business unprompted and what gets pointed out about Thea possibly needing to preserve the strength of their fighters if Lucius wins in Clover and starts spreading his chaos.

I love Fuelara so much! And I get the realism but it's anxiety inducing when the politics of the universe can't immediately cave to give way to the couple's happily ever after! They have to fight for it as individuals within larger systems and a wider world! And that's part of why it's so great! Fuegoleon and Solara are able to persevere with their own strength without needing society to completely bend in their favor.

I JUST KINDA WISH CLOVER HAD A LITTLE MORE HELP RIGHT NOW!/lh

And oooooohhhhhhh. Solara's POV. She's not in a good place at all. Physically, on a battlefield while she feels her body starting to go into labor. Mentally, mind overwhelmed with concern and fear. Emotionally, heart completely shattered by Fuegoleon tossing his ring. Girl needs a break but there is no way it's going to be easy.

Could the emotional turmoil have triggered labor a bit sooner than it should've happened? Or is that some weird misconception about pregnancy that somehow found its way into my brain? ... Probably the latter.

The way Solara is... not hopeless... But she's clearly struggling to maintain a sense for it at the moment. I can honestly imagine her face. Drenched in sweat and tears and every emotion coming with gritted teeth as she endures the physical toll of her pregnancy while also fighting the emotions that threaten to overwhelm her. Her fighting spirit... The one that first caught Mereo's attention. That has made Fuegoleon love and worry for her. Really is showing. I love her, your honor!

And finally, Adlai having an internal monologue which shows his friendship with Solara. There is a bit of humor in him wondering what to say/how to show his concern for her. But it's weighed down by the overall knowledge of the situation. And I can't imagine the panic in Adlai's mind upon learning that Solara and the twins are in Clover, the active battlefield.

We're only told of his frown and the cold chill he feels. But the minimalistic depiction of his reaction (for now potentially) already says a lot.

AAAAAAUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGH! WHAT COMES NEXT FOR SOLARA, FUEGOLEON, AND THEA?!?!?!?!?

Summary: Adlai and Celer finish their discussion, while something brews in the Old Ruins of Micah. If one can state that they are… actually in the Old Ruins. Meanwhile Solara is still in Clover, while she feels something that puts her even more on edge than what she already is

A/N: Hiya! I have taken another couple of months, because I don't want to miss anything crucial in canon. But. Here I am, delivering a little something and continuing down the same direction as planned. Hope you like it Length: ~4.0k Warnings: I continue on the same themes as previously, so I trust that if you've gotten this far, you'll handle where we are Tag list: @loosesodamarble @succulentsunrise

Chapter 8: Harp and tears

[“Where are you going?”] It was a fair question, asked after the meeting, in the room, with crystals that couldn’t be named by less knowledgeable men.

Celer, the oldest, and the only child of the House of Curiosi, gave Adlai, the one that was living and breathing Thea’s safety, a look.

But the look was about as informative as the silence, the empty hallway around them. Which is why Ad shook their head, and pushed his chin outwards a little as he did so, as if to try and fish out the information; hear the silence better.

However, the frown on Ad’s face, spoke of how little he understood the look.

To which Celer let out a soundless sigh. Not even a whisper. A flow of air. And placed their hands between them and Ad, palm side up for him to place his hands on top of theirs.

And he did.

Ler tapped. And tapped.

Two taps to the tip of their index finger.

[“Okay...”] Ad sighed. [“The ruins need tending, and I’ll... stay here.]”

Ler nodded. Just nodded. And let their palms lower down, so that the hands of the two people no longer met.

Someone needed to be there. In those ruins, to listen to the blasted ringing of the damned silver bells, the sound of which was nearly deafening to one’s ears.

Almost, but not quite.

After all, they had lived their entire life, listening to the bells.

It was only during the most recent years that the sound had grown so loud. So, soul shatteringly loud that it almost made one’s ears bleed. If one could hear them to begin with, that was.

A blessing and a curse, wrapped in one. Because while they could hear it, they couldn’t do anything about it.

Their hands could not touch the strings or the ropes. Even if their ears could hear the sound.

A lacking state of being that was exactly like that of mortals.

Limited.

But... the way the toll rang with silence, spoke to him. Told a tale of something brewing. Something... being about to happen.

They just didn’t know what it was, which is why they had to go there, to the old Ruins of Micah, and see for themselves.  

----

I wonder.... I wonder what that is... behind the surface. It’s blurry and too unclear to tell, but... there was something behind sister. There is something else in the room as well. But I just... don’t remember what it was. What it is. If it was there to begin with.

It must’ve.

Because the researchers of Old Micah made the room to be what it was.

This place was just an accident. An added bonus.

Or, well, an added bonus to me.

Lady Indomita says that it’s an anomaly. Something that shouldn’t be, and yet... here it is.

Not that she finds this place to be meaningful. Because it’s not as if... I can do anything else than observe here. Observe the way the threads, strings and ropes wind in their eternal dance. Mostly alone, and sometimes with... whatever that being is... but it’s nice to have company.

She placed her hand close to the surface of the mirror, the gate and the passage. Just let it hover there, without touching, and made the mirror vibrate, sent rippled course over it from the anticipation of someone going through after such a long time.

A fraction of an eternity.

I wonder... I wonder why this relic was created in the first place... and how the people of Micah came to have it....

She tipped her ring finger through the surface without effort. Which sent a wave of warmth over her. As if a whisper. A greeting. A friendly hello after being found.

The complete opposite of how she had felt, while entering the space in which she now existed.

This sensation... felt like home.

Like a home she wasn’t sure she could remember. Like one that she didn’t know how to feel about. And which, almost made her forget all the reasons why she had decided to walk away from the world, and shut herself here instead.

Because here there was no judgement. There was no wrong she could do.

After all, she was just an observer. Not a doer. Nothing was in her hands.

And yet, there she was. Centuries since then. By the door, the passage, and the mirror, about to go back into the world, which must’ve changed so very much during her absence.

But strangely enough, she wasn’t afraid.

A little apprehensive sure, but not quite afraid. Because this time she was... more curious about the world than she could remember ever feeling. After having sat on her thoughts and feelings for years. Thinking about what was her place in existence. What was her reason to be. And what should she do with it. What should she do with her life?

She didn’t have an answer.

But perhaps... perhaps it lied behind the surface of the liquid glass of the mirror.

‘Do or die’... isn’t that what they say? That there are different kinds of deaths and... how... if I stay, I know that nothing will change. Not for myself, nor for anyone else either. And... thought the threads would continue to twist and turn... maybe... maybe I could do something?

But there is no guarantee... that it’d be good. I could do damage. I could commit unspeakable horrors by not knowing what I’m doing.

Or then I could grant blessings that would fall second to only those granted by the heavens above. Heavens that must be empty...

I could do nothing at all, or then I could.... try to do something.

Which... I suppose is the question. Would I rather try to do good, or do nothing at all, and know, for certainty, that the good will not happen. Unless by some miracle.

Though miracles can be done by people too... depending on one’s definition of a miracle, of course, but... if I wish something to happen, I should at least try to do so.

Right?

...Right?

She took a deep breath, and stepped forward.

A single step. An embrace of warmth. A passing whisper that she couldn’t quite make out. After which she stood in a room.

And in that room, she saw with clarity the shape, the item, that had been in the background for as long as she could remember; and for as long as she could remember wondering what it was.

In the room, lied a harp.

----

Solara’s eyes scanned the area around.

The flames and the roar of Mereoleona.

Up in the sky, a distance away, there was another being with wings. Who seemed intent on attacking the Silvas. Against whom Noelle was battling.

Water against steel.

Until there was a flash of another kind of grey. Much more fluid and lighter in colour. Which assumed the shape of a man. Most likely Nozel.

The screams and the yells, coupled with the sounds of explosions ringing in the air, despite the battles won amidst the ongoing war.

I hope... Please... let them win. I’ll take any victory that would be given to u-

She winced. Leaned forward and curled around herself from the sudden spike of pain.

Did you two just kick mom again? She asked while trying to wobble closer to a nearby wall, so that she might lean onto it for support. Please... this is not the time. I know that you’re scared. I know. I know... she closed her eyes and pressed her back against the bricks, while feeling none of the cold due to the armour that was still around her. I know, she repeated within the depths of her mind. I am too... for your sake. And your father’s sake.

She glanced up, towards the scene where fire raged. Where the smell of burning flesh still lingered.

Where so many brave and valiant lives had been taken.

Salamander is still there... the largest form of those that were left. Which means that he must be too... she reasoned to herself while feeling that the world, or at least hers, was still somewhat in tact.

A feeling, a sensation, that she couldn’t quite explain. It just didn’t make any sense. Not while on such a field of battle. Amidst all the chaos and the screams. She shouldn’t have felt the kind of whisper, a lingering sliver of hope.

It must’ve been insanity.

But... in a place that is filled with despair, isn’t the nearly non-existent trace of hope the very thing that keeps people going? Because they simply have to believe that something good will follow. That something... if not them, then those they care about, will survive and prevail. Is that not the reason to keep going?

The feeling? No matter how unlikely and unreasonable? Because sometimes one has to defy reason, and have fate instead. That things will turn for the better.

Or then it was the feeling, the quiet reassurance that she felt in her very soul, told to her by the strings of fate that were still golden instead of stained with carmine. That the steady pulse, as if a squeeze in her hand, and a whisper in her heart, was still alive and radiant, rather than smeared by the very thing that flowed through their veins, keeping them alive.

He had to be alive.

He had to.

Simply had to.

She didn’t care if it might’ve been just a fable in which she wanted to believe due to the feeling. Because of the things she could see.

It just had to be true.

It’ll be alright, little ones... it’ll be-

“Ugh-“ she placed her hand onto her stomach and winced again.

Please don’t... oh no... little ones... please tell me that you are kicking me and not... her eyes opened and gaze flickered around without seeing anything around her. It was as if her eyes were trying to follow ideas bouncing around in her head, but did so with a faint sense of terror. Please don’t tell me that you didn’t choose this moment... she whispered within the confines of her own mind. Practically prayed to whatever non-existent being that might be able to hear her. When we said that we can’t wait to meet you, we meant it. We, from the bottom of our hearts, meant it, but.... Darlings... this is not the time.

She took a deep breath. As deep as she could, and tried to calm herself down. Let the burning pain subside, even if with one second at a time.

This is not... the time... Okay... Okay... calm down. Calm down... You know about this. Yes. You know this... If-, *if* this is it, then the contractions will take a long while. There are women who are admitted into the hospital, and spend the next day or two in this stage. So, it’s not like the kids are coming out right now. Yeah. So, there’s... well there is a lot of things to worry about, and staying here while in heavy labour is ... not ideal. By any means. It’s less than less ideal. But I have time to get ... somewhere else.

She took steady breaths while leaning against the wall, and kept her eyes closed for as long of a moment as she dared while trying to shut out her mana output. Make herself seem as difficult to notice as possible.

So... calm down. Calm down... you have time. So... for now, just focus on making yourself seem like as little of a threat as possible. No grand source of mana. No threat. Or at least as small of a threat as possible. And just... figure out where to go. The portal here I can’t use. The same applies to the one in the dungeon. Or... I could, but opening it would take a long, long while. Though I do have time.

She hesitated for a moment.

I hope... I should, have time.

Her eyes opened, and her head turned towards the direction where she knew home, the Vermillion estate to be.

Home is... too obvious. And will probably be burned down, if this goes on for long enough. The same applies to the castle, and the Crimson Lion Kings’ headquarters. So, while I would be able to make myself seem as harmless as possible, and to possess as little mana as possible, those places themselves can be targets.

Which meant that going to the places where she felt most at home, the most comfortable, was not an option.

But also... she glanced back towards the wall, where she knew her husband to be. Should I just... leave? Without... but how would I tell him? I can’t exactly reach out to him and... he did... throw away his-, no. That doesn’t mean anything. She brought her hand onto the charm around her neck; the other half of which she knew to be around his neck. He was... terrified.

She thought back to the moment. Just a few minutes prior. Tens of minutes. But minutes that had seemed far longer than that.

He was... scared...

The expression he had held. The angry. Horrified. Pale expression on his face. And the way he had grabbed onto the ring that had allowed for her to come to him, and tossed it onto the cobble stones under her feet.

He... was... He sent us away from... all this. Which is why he... it was fear. I must’ve been. Not anger at... me... Or maybe me too, but I just... she looked towards the direction again, but only briefly; as if she no longer had the strength to look for any longer.

So if I just disappear, after he has come to know that I *am* here, then he’d... I don’t know what he’d do... Because the reason why he stayed was because he... He is a dutiful man and he wanted to give us time to... If the world is going to end because of this, then at least he could make it more... difficult for the enemy and... I just...

She squeezed her eyes shut, and tried to fight off the tears that kept collecting behind her eyes. The grief and the fear that took on the form of burning hot tears; almost as if corroding, that seemed intent on rolling down her cheeks and falling onto the same cobble stones of the Kingdom of Clover, that had played a tune, as if a melody, with the piece of precious metal of Fuegoleon’s wedding band when it had been cast away.

The ocean of pain and grief that twisted and turned within her.

I just can’t... What am I supposed to do? Because... if I do tell him? When? Would it place him in more danger? When would it place me and our children in... not as much more danger? Or do I just go, and let him believe that we’ve disappeared. In which case he’d presume that we’ve died and then he’d... He would...

Her lips quivered, and a whimper escaped from her throat. Because the thought that was at the edge of her consciousness, she didn’t dare let in. She didn’t want to think it. Didn’t want to even consider it.

While knowing that she had to, if she was going to make this decision.

I don’t know what he’d do... she thought as the sob, the muffled cry that she had tried to swallow, broke through the air.

She hunched forward, almost as if it had been her body in pain, rather than her soul. But in reality, it was both. Because she could feel the pain in her body too. And not just in the way she was biting down her molars to the point where, had she managed to give it a conscious thought, she would have feared to be breaking her own teeth.

But a thought came through. A faint whisper.

My CCE... I still have it and he... He must have his as well. So... if he only looks at it.... That would be enough, right? It would be enough? So, if I go, and try to open the portal in the dungeon, to go back to Thea, then... he’d know...

She wasn’t quite delusional enough to trust that he’d feel the lingering sense of hope, which she felt, of him being alive through it all. Because her state of deliria was aided by the fact that she could see Salamander, if nothing else. That she could get glimpses, passing whispers of his mana around. Which confirmed her bias; the wish to believe in him being alive.

There was another spike of pain through her, which made her curl around herself, even if only a little.

That ... should be enough... Yes... it should be enough and then he wouldn’t... need to worry, as much, I think, because... even if ... If the worst would happen, the depths of that forgotten dungeon, previously a research facility, isn’t the most sensible place to look for. For anyone. At least an individual and... while our children are royalty, and royalty of this country, they’re not... there is no reason to pursue them to the extent.  

She had to believe in the thought. In the idea that it made sense. That leaving royalty of a country one was taking over, alive, was okay. Because it wasn’t just Clover being an intended target of being overthrown.

It was the world.

So now I... I need to think of our children. And he’d...

She swallowed while straightening her back.

We promised to each other. To always put our children first.

The bitter taste on her tongue still lingered.

We promised. And... if I’m going to... keep a promise then I need to... This would be it, right? If nothing else, and if I can manage to leave then... I should...

She tried to reason with herself while swallowing again. But still the bitter taste of the thoughts refused to go down. And she had a feeling that it wouldn’t be becoming any easier any time soon. Rather, she thought it would become even more nauseating.

Right?

She asked herself.

Right...? I should try to... leave... right?

----

I should check on Lara... just in case... Adlai thought while walking out of the Curiosi estate. I know that she needs time and space to grieve, while... preparing herself for labour. Though the due date isn’t for quite some time now. Not that they didn’t say that the kids couldn’t be born prematurely. Especially because it’s twins. But still... I like to think that she can... focus on one thing at a time, rather than having to go into labour during the same day as her husband is supposedly killed.

He shoved his hands into his pockets and walked with a slouched posture. Because... while he felt it necessary to go see his friend, he didn’t know how on earth he could do so while holding his head up high.

I know that she’s... upset that we’re not helping them, but... it’s their king. The leader of their military. Against their own country. It’s nothing short of a civil war. As absurd as it might seem. Because it’s... from my understanding, essentially one man against an army. He grimaced while setting off into the air, and towards the Equinox estate. Though he can always recruit mercenaries. Which isn’t... against the law. Technically speaking. But since the perpetrator is still, the enemy of the state, is the leader of said estate, or at least one of them, we have no right to intervene as a foreign country.

He had had to remind himself of the fact time and time again. Because... while he was an official, nobility, and a head of security, or would be in some years, he was also a friend and a man. Which also meant that he wasn’t heartless.

And... sending one or two... if those individuals so wished, wouldn’t really make a difference. If anything, it’d be one or two losses from our strengths, which, should the war eventually escalate here. If the king is successful in Clover and begins invading other countries that is. Should the war then come here, we’d need all man power we can get.

His eyes stayed down, as he tried to reason with himself.

In many ways, it’s the same situation as it was before, with the devils. Only that devils don’t know, or care, about the borders between countries. While people, more often than not, do. So... in this instance, laying low and caring for our own, makes sense. Not interfering with the internal matters of another state, makes sense. And he... always has a choice to become a refugee...

There was a bitter taste to the thought. Not because he would have, particularly, minded about Fuegoleon coming to stay in Thea permanently, but because the status in itself was, to anyone, a sorrowful one.

He is a good man and... He could do good here too. But... he doesn’t want to leave, and I get that. He doesn’t want to turn his back to his people, which I respect.

His chin lifted, even if only slightly, as his destination came into sight.

She picked a good one, the thought was bitter. Even more so than the one before. It just... seems that it wasn’t meant to be. At least for the long run.

He set down, and began walking into the building.

I just... what do I even say...? ‘How are you?’ Well obviously she’s doing bad because of all of this. ‘Would she like to talk?’ Probably not, because how does one even begin talking about something like this? ‘Do you want to go for a walk?’ While nearing the due date? Short walks, sure, but a longer one no. Unless mandatory, but... where would she need to go now? And I don’t think she’d even want to. For more reasons than that.

He was let in, and asked if he could go see her. Which he was allowed to do. Only that her whereabouts weren’t known. Just that she had last been seen heading out.

To which he thanked, and sighed.

I don’t like doing this... he thought to himself, while whipping out his CCE. But as long as she has her CCE with her, which most of the time she does, like everyone else, I can track her.

His fingers tapped onto the screen with hesitation, despite him having the best intentions in mind.

I just... don’t think she should be alone too much. Not at the moment...

He let the device run its search, but in the end, the result that showed on the screen, made Ad frown.

Out of reach... Does that... Is it turned off? Or is she under ground? Maybe at the castle...? He turned to look towards the direction of the castle, the white marble towers of which still reached towards the skies. Just as he could remember them always having been.

I could... run the more advanced search... he thought. I do need to write a report about it though, but... I think it’s alright... considering the situation... he pondered, knowing fully well that this search would reach down to the lower levels of the castle as well; into places that were off limits for most of the time. Not the highest grade of device search, but close to it. And the highest grade that he could personally conduct.

Alone at least.

So, he chose the other option, and began waiting.

And he waited. And waited. And waited...

Can’t this bloody countdown go any faster? He slightly cursed in his mind as the numbers flashed on the screen, little by little getting closer to completion.

And as they did, another frown settled onto his face.

One that made cold chills run down his spine, because... from what he knew, all portals had been shut down today. No one was to go in, or out. And he hadn’t gotten an alert of any unlawful, unexpected travels from, or to, Thea.

But still, the device in his hand, was adamant of the location.

Solara was in Clover Kingdom.

[mvillamemoirs]

August 2020 unloading

Monday August 31st, 2020

-Work was okay. Woke up almost late, didn’t have time to make coffee or have breakfast and found myself getting crabby at work. I really need to work with Milenna more about scheduling because not all of us including my Boss gets to take a decent lunch break. Rather than getting irritated with her, I think I’m just going to look at things like a challenge/opportunity to grow somehow out of the situation. 

-Walked my dog, thinking about how irritated I am living in this house. Thinking about my parents divorce and how I need to move out because being here reminds me about him. I feel like i can’t talk to my mom about deeper things. I feel like it doesn’t matter to her.

-The closer it got to bed time, the more I just kept thinking about the next court date. I’m worried, I’m frustrated, I don’t know all the details, I’m all sorts of emotional and aggravated because I have so much to lose. I just want to continue to work, go to school to focus on my career/educational goals, and enjoy time with my friends and family. Since this incident happened, I feel paranoid and I just want to be alone until it’s over. I don’t want my misery spewing over onto other people’s plates. I feel so stressed out.

Sunday, August 30th, 2020

-Worked at Lokahi for a bit. It was very mellow. Both acupuncturists are starting to grow on me. I adore them so much and it’s so fun. Nothing really bothered me that shift, it was easy going.

-Getting home I made myself supper, then ended up going to my cousin Raymonds house for dinner- sashimi, poke and lobster. He’s like my brother and just came to realize how I hardly see him. He asked about my sister, my dad, and I ended up telling him how I’m seeking therapy. Asking about my Dad kind of pulled on some heartstrings because I feel like it’s a sensitive subject that of course I wouldn’t know where he’s currently at. . That dude abandoned us or whatever. It also was an ‘eye-rolling’ moment asking about my younger sister because she’s really out just doing whatever with her boyfriend, and has her hands tied with that. I find myself not responding to the subject of my dad’s whereabouts less emotionally, which I think is a good thing because it’s like I’m accepting of the fact that my parents are divorce. I still have some resentment and anger towards him just because of the entire situation, but more accepting of the fact in general.

--We were also talking about Hawaii, how this is all of our first time not going back to visit- normally we all go once a year. I really miss my grandma, cousins and older sister. COVID sucks.

Saturday, August 29th, 2020

-Came to my weekend job, was very productive and called it a day 3-4 hours here since i’m basically working nonstop until Labor Day where I’ll be off. I figured if I have the energy to, especially before Fall semester starts, why not, right? 

-One of the acupuncturists came back and it’s so weird because we just don’t click, just co-exist. She caught me up to speed that she was safe and didn’t have to evacuate at her parent’s place in Santa Cruz. It’s strictly just business with her, Holly. I love how that business is woman-owned and I always get a sense of uplifting each other and overall women empowerment. The patients are just as delightful as the staff.

-Hung out with Danny at his place at nighttime. All we did was watch The Flash on Netflix, took 3 shots of vodka straight-yuck. Just simply hung out since we couldn’t go out anywhere as bars and restaurants were closing at 11pm. Hanging with him just made me realize that we cannot talk about serious things like what was the downfall of our relationships. We cant talk about our feelings, I don’t think I was even comfortable telling him I was seeing a therapist nor what happened at the arraignment. . I really just had the vibe that it’s not his business, and there’s no point in sharing deeper things like that with him when it’s not going to change anything. Maybe we’re just better off friends, but I just kept remembering that night of getting arrested that Danny was like my safe zone/ protector, and I looked to him in more ways than just being a significant other. It amazes me how we go to all of that, to just this current situation of being friends or whatever it is. I guess in the end all you have is yourself.

Friday, August 28th, 2020

-Went into work getting lectured at by the other chiropractor’s wife about separation of patients because that’s how the chiropractor I worked for wants to do it. I felt embarrassed getting grilled first thing in the morning in front of patients, and I need to have a sit down with my boss regarding that issue as he’s the only one who wants to continue the practice like that despite sharing the building overall. I think it doesn’t align with the philosophy of wanting to treat the community and get people better

--Felt much better when I told Camille how she made me feel and she apologized for being insensitive. Still uneasy overall about the conflict. By the end of the day I didn’t get to talk to my boss because he was rushing out to get to his dinner date. It’s so annoying that he wants to start and wrap up meetings when it’s convenient for him versus a general daily thing.

-Went home feeling empty and numb. It was a good work day overall but I feel so lost sometimes. School is starting, not sure how to go about with my break up when the guy wants to hang out, trying to date but that’s a bit stagnant due to covid, I just feel uneasy overall. I miss my family in Hawaii, I would’ve been there and back by now. I miss my friends from the east coast. I’m feeling clusters of emotions with where i’m at, and just exhausted mentally, emotionally and physically. This whole court date thing in November is eating at me, too. I feel irritated. I did a whole ‘treat yourself’ meal and had pizza for dinner and called it a night with netflix. 

--I’m trying to slow down my pace and enjoy time to myself like i did before.

Thursday, August 27th, 2020 -Work was very slow paced, and my boss assigned me to work the front desk so Milenna can practice at the back office duties. I felt so fatigue and physically and mentally drained today-coffee didn’t help.

-At the very end of seeing patients, I talked with my boss about wanting more benefits as I enter the 3rd year, offered me a sign on bonus as I’m worthy in his business, but still want to revisit overall. I ended up telling him I was seeking therapy, and he asked if I talked to one of his bestfriends that comes into the office for treatment. I guess she commented some time ago that if I need someone to talk to, she’ll do it- but I told him it's a conflict of interest for me because I don’t like to shit where I eat. I wonder what it was about me that gave off that impression at that time-i don’t know, maybe deep in thought as the arrest was recent.. Again, not sure.

--On the ride home, I was just thinking how sad I really am inside-it’s hard to think about the lawyer method, because I feel like to contradict negative thoughts- I was thinking about my parent’s divorce and cried a bit on the way home- would be a positive thing about myself regardless being sad (?), and I think there’s no relation. . I need to practice more.

---I also started to think about my grandpa and how I miss him so much. He passed away in 2014 and that’s when I started to smoke tobacco as a coping mechanism and destress. It made me realize how my birthday is coming up soon, and I wanted to quit by then. Time to start cracking down on myself and look at my triggers/habits when I feel like smoking stoges.

Wednesday, August 26th, 2020

-Very productive and high energy at work. Vibed with everyone-including co-workers. Today was also my review with my boss-I’ve been there for 2 years now. Very interesting how my boss keeps giving me more duties to do, but I feel like I’m in the crosshairs of “I should be lucky I have a job” and knowing my worth as I do know the office operations like the back of my hand. It’s a good deal regardless, but didn’t want to sign right away.

-I feel more accepting and less anxious about the next court date. I have to keep faith in my attorney.

-Danny called me by bedtime needing help to change his flat tire at work. I ended up going for a number of reasons: empathy, it took him a lot to ask me knowing that our last conversation was about being friends when I still want to work things out, maybe this could’ve been an opportunity to tell him what’s going on with me and I’m in a funk. . It ended up being a very mellow encounter where I was just watching him change his tire and having his subwoofer stashed in my car. I like to see my kindness not being a weakness, just my nature.

Tuesday, August 25th, 2020

-Woke up this morning wanting to stay in my bed a bit longer. Woke up feeling Zen and more relaxed- not as anxious about the court date today because I put trust in this attorney for things to work out in my favor. Trying to control my outlook and keep vibrating higher with better intentions. Took my dog out for a walk and thought back about my oracle cards last night, and contemplated ‘‘healing”. Thought about self love, and mentally told myself that I loved myself which for the first time it hit some strings internally and I just realized I haven’t said that to myself in sooooooo long. The more I kept repeating that to myself, the more I just felt those words losing meaning, i don’t know.

-Went to pick up a loaner laptop from SJCC as mine has become unreliable for this upcoming semester. Feeling productive.

Monday, August 24th, 2020

-Work was overall good. Not sure what it is with Milenna, but her presence just tends to irritate me occasionally. Maybe it’s because she’s slow paced and sometimes drags my energy down, or she doesn’t do some of her work (?), but when I start to get this way, I go elsewhere to help my boss with patients to keep my energy flowing. Just that quick second of irritation didn’t affect my work day, though. It was a lot of laughs and connecting with patients and catching up. I’d say it was a good day at work overall.

-Coming home felt really uneasy knowing that my court date is less than 24 hours away. I feel aggravated and anxious and very impatient. I want it to get dismissed, I want all that to go away. Maybe I need to declutter my room to get a sense of clarity and peace. After walking my dog I lit up an incense and reorganized my closet and walking space to get rid of extra objects that don’t serve purpose, or that’s just taking up space. Might reorganize my shelves eventually.

-I did an oracle spread for the 2020 year. It’s crazy how it highlights healing and this is the year for that. I took it as a sign to work on myself since I’ve been feeling on the go and wanting to go out and not having any ‘me’ time. Adventure is the fruit of the looms of self-healing, abundance is what challenge will arise, I can thrive through the year with focusing, and flow is what I’ll gain throughout 2020. 

Sunday, August 23rd, 2020

-Helping out at Lokahi felt very refreshing today as it did yesterday. Talking with one of the acupuncturists and sharing my educational goals reassured me that I’m on the right track. She was also a certified massage therapist while practicing in behavioral health and gave me lots of insight. I told her I wanted to pursue CMT while retaking health science courses as I’d have a full year before reapplying to the PTA program at Ohlone CC next year-I’m thinking this will strengthen my knowledge and skills regarding the human body. She cheered me on and told me she personally can see me succeeding on that educational route!

-Went to go see Stephanie after work today. The smoke and the air quality fucking sucks, can’t even see the ESSJ hills. It was mellow, reassuring her that I’m happy with whatever she chooses to do with Jerome because he’s a cool dude despite me and him having a fall out. I feel lightweight ‘meh’ about it. Not bothered, but just want to make sure she feels the same way. 

-Hung out at Steven’s pad for the first time. Met him from Tinder, started talking and it’s so easy to converse with him. I like keeping my word with things I say that I’m going to do, so that took him by surprise when I actually dropped by tonight. His vibe is cool.

-This arraignment date simmering in the back of my mind is keeping my anxiety afloat. It’s hard to think forward when I feel like a lot weighs on this outcome. Drank hibiscus tea to relax before bed.

Saturday, August 22nd, 2020

-I feel like the universe is fucking with me. A lot of old ghosts-from-the-past are popping up- ie Jerome, Greg and Danny. Like is this a test? Like at the end of the day I just want everyone to be happy- I want everyone to win. I feel weird and uneasy about it, calling Kenn and telling him details about it, maybe I’m getting my period soon.

-Talked to my sister in HI a little bit and was contemplating about telling her about the arrest and arraignment date. Everytime I think about the court date, I hear Theo’s advice that I shouldn’t worry about anything, “it’s just a ticket that you can fight or get dropped” or something like that. SIGHH….

Friday, August 21st, 2020

-I thought today was a very good day at work! My energy was up there, got in about 57 patients in from originally 40 patients. Milenna wasn’t in which made me feel like ‘deer in headlights’ having to be doing the front desk work. Caught up on billing, very productive overall while having fun with patients.

-Best friend Stephanie, told me how someone at her parent’s Subway tested positive for COVID and that I won’t be able to come to the house for a while. That blows, but also having thoughts if this is her way of getting space to date Jerome- whatever. As long as she’s happy that’s all that matters. She’s going to get tested this weekend, so hope it comes out negative so we can hang.

-Surprise, surprise. . Danny hits me up to hang out tonight, then changes his mind in 20minutes as I was cleaning. At first I was calm about hanving out with him, but now I’m like what the fuck. I’m irritated with the whole Danny issue- states that we shouldn’t hang out last minute because we’re not friends yet (?!). I feel like he should’ve just left me the fuck alone instead of dangling with my feelings.

-Getting super anxious again realizing how close my arraignment date is.

Thursday, August 20th, 2020

-I feel unproductive at work since it’s very slow patient flow. I can’t focus. I feel like the day is dreading.

-I feel bad for my cousin’s fiance as she’s putting her dog down tomorrow. I’m more than sad for her and it just reminds me that I’m not ready if my dog were to pass away. Makes me appreciate my dog, Nala, more.

-Talked to Zarinah just now. Even though she moved back to New Jersey I love how we randomly check in on each other. She caught me up to speed with what her and her other friends are doing, her son’s situation- I would’ve been there this year by now if COVID didn’t exist. I told her about my 4th of July weekend, the getting arrested ordeal, Jerome talking to stephanie. I miss her a lot!!

Wednesday, August 19th, 2020

-Woke up to my car covered in ashes. This weather is making me feel depressed, aggravated, super concerned for those that are impacted by it. Hope my coworker Blanca is okay.

-On the drive home after work I kept thinking about my ex boyfriend. I feel more mad and upset rather than sad at the moment. I miss him, I feel low. . but ‘I deserve the kind of love I desire’, no? I should just cut ties and block him everywhere. 

Tuesday, August 18th, 2020

-Forgot I was having brunch with Anthony today. Talked to my PCP about my physical and mental health. Told him I was seeking outpatient care because of how slow inpatient services were for behavioral/psychiatric therapy. I felt he disregarded that and was highlighting me to take smoking cessation classes, when I am a conscious change and have begun smoking less tobacco daily. I don’t know why he’s pushing extra hard with taking these classes when I’ve weaned myself off smoking before. But anyway, just got ready last minute to meet up with Anthony for brunch versus flaking on plans for whatever reason (had the just do it attitude).

-Didn’t realize I set another therapy appointment in person with another LMFT today. The first encounter I didn’t know what to expect and got lost just getting to know each other. Went an hour and 20 minutes or so, and I just felt like I was introducing myself to her, spewing more details than anything. She commented she’s aware of my anxiety and can see how mildly depressed I am, but I didn’t really feel it was effective versus yesterday’s session. She mentioned she doesn’t think her methods are safe for me in the state of being that I’m in. Took the depression questionnaire home, but I don’t think I want to go back. She did mention eye-movement method (?), color schemes and blot pictures (?), reprocessing information methods (?). Not sure but I feel like i didn’t get anything out of that session than just highlighting how sad I freaking am.

-Told Anthony via text that I don’t see anything romantic between us. I didn’t feel like pursuing him in that way and see us being only friends. I felt that’s a respectful way to let him know versus him feeling like I'm leading him on, and he just went on mute and became unresponsive. I feel like I would appreciate someone telling me that straight up from the start, but whatever. I feel a bit irritated by it, but I can’t control other people’s emotions.

Monday, August 17th, 2020

-First therapy meeting went well. Broke down and cried a lot, felt vulnerable, never realized how much sadness I had inside. I did feel a light feeling of relief at the end of it. Looking for the next session, while reminding myself ‘it’s okay to feel what i’m feeling”.

-I have such strong adoration for my mom and how strong of an individual and woman she is. I feel very spiteful towards my dad for emotionally and financially degrading my mom through the divorce process (fighting over money, the house). It’s so weird how my mom doesn’t want me to think any less of my dad because ‘he’s my dad’ and I feel it takes more than making a child to be labeled as a father than providing sperm, right? I feel irritated when it comes to telling me how to feel about whatever the situation, because my feelings are valid, too. I don’t want their failed marriage to influence my love life. 

-I talked to my bestfriend kenn while walking my dog. He makes me feel calm. Told him about my first therapy session, he highlighted the importance of feeling safe and open with a therapist and finding one that clicks- which I agree and feel like I did. Caught him up about Danny, anxiety with school, and how work eased up with my coworker, Milenna. She used to irritate me a lot, but now it’s water under the bridge. Health is an investment.

[elysianslove]

haikyuu boys that ━━

━━ would absolutely, definitely, 100% get nauseous, dizzy, possibly might faint, while their s/o is in labor. one peak and they’re doubling over the hospital bed, inhaling deeply and exhaling sharply, steeling themselves. some are surprising, some are expected. all are stupid.

iwaizumi hajime; he just cannot. he cannot fathom what is happening. there is no way you’re going through that and surviving. no wonder you’re screaming in pain. of course you’re screaming in pain. he takes one look at what’s going on and just immediately takes a step back, eyebrows raised and hand pressed to his chest like “my god.” he’s an 8/10 though because he is incredibly supportive and those arms are great to grab onto. will not complain for a second (is strangely way too quiet), but he’s worryingly pale. maybe he’s quiet cause if he speaks he’ll throw up. 

miya atsumu; he’s this close to screaming. or crying. possibly both. he can’t tell if he’s scared in general or scared for you or if he’s hurting seeing you hurting. in fact, no one can tell. he just looks like he’s watching an alien abduction happen right before his eyes. like a 6/10 because he probably does actually faint. it’s almost as if he’s the one in labor. and he’s the annoying kind of supportive that makes you want to smack him like shut the fuck up i’m pushing a whole child out of me right now. but his reactions are extremely endearing and hilarious to watch back because he most definitely insisted on filming. 

akaashi keiji; the silent struggler. really doesn’t wanna make it obvious at all. like he really, really, really doesn’t want you knowing that he’s uncomfortable in any way, but he’s like, sweating from how nauseous he is. a big part of it is hating seeing you in pain; he cringes every time you so much as groan or pant. 7/10 because he’s incredibly supportive but his hands are way too clammy :/ like fr get a grip keiji. again, supportive, but his voice is shaky so it’s like, really ineffective. he cries when he sees his baby and it automatically makes him an 11/10.

sakusa kiyoomi; absolute coward. pussy. it’s not about hygiene, he’s just genuinely mortified. keeps asking you’re okay like,,, what do you think, sir? he keeps looking even though every time he does it doesn’t get any better? question mark? you can see him visibly gulping cause he’s in so much shock. like a 5/10 because he forgets to hold your hand. just stands there. eyes wide and mouth parted like a dumb fish. chokes back on his sobs when he hears his baby’s cries and it’s adorable how he brings his hand up to silence himself so maybe he’s a 7/10.

goshiki tsutomu; please he probably has a panic attack mid labor. definitely screams with you and all the nurses and the doctor are like ???? holds your hand tighter than you’re holding his. apologizes the whole time. the whole time. like the doctor asked him if he wants to see what’s happening, which idk why they would consider that a smart idea, and he just wailed like, “baby i’m so sorry, i’m so sorry, can we just adopt?” a 3/10. he’s so cute but. bring someone else if you don’t want to rip your hair out and his. 

kageyama tobio; he absolutely tries to pretend that he’s okay but he just gets really, really quiet once you start delivering and his lips are chapped and his pupils are blown and his face is so pale. he looks like he just got off of a really bad rollercoaster. he’s not even holding your hand you’re just hanging onto an unmoving, lifeless limb. maybe 6/10, cause he could be better in the supportive department but, at least he was quietly panicking. he does have a mini panic attack once his baby is in his arms though. like just starts hyperventilating. it’s okay though! it’s actually kind of cute <3

lev haiba; actually faints. not probably. he actually faints. like all 6′5 of him just drops onto the floor by your bed and you’re like ,,, damn, guess i’m doing this alone then. he wakes up and the first thing he sees is your baby crowning and he just faints again pls. someone has to be there with you, just like to help him to you. he cannot stand straight at all, he’s leaning on the bed the whole time. 5/10 because it genuinely makes you laugh it kind of makes the pain bearable. they have to get a chair in case he just falls back cause he’s just so dizzy pls.

━━ would be so fucking annoying. who the hell let them in this room? why did you agree to this? how are you going to raise a child with them? regrets. so many regrets. 

tanaka ryūnosuke; he’s like annoyingly scared. shut up and calm down for a minute i’m trying to birth your child here. swears so much like “holy shit holy shit that’s a big baby.” like pls you’re trying to push it out of you and he has the audacity to say shit like that? treats it like it’s some sort of volleyball match like he cheers whenever the doctor praises you. maybe a 5/10 cause he’s just annoying, but it’s motivating in a way. accepts any insult you throw at him too, like he’s so on board with it. “yes, i’m absolutely a piece of shit— what do you mean you’re not getting anywhere near my dick babe wait.”

bokuto kōtarō; listen :( you don’t want to think he’s annoying but he lowkey is. he’s trying his hardest to make this an easier experience for you but you just need him to be a little quieter. like this hurts bo, calm down please. you want to match his energy but it’s literally physically impossible. he’s an 8/10 though because you doubt it’d have been possible to go through it without him. bokuto’s incredibly ripped too so he lets you hang onto him and he holds you tightly too, like grips your hands and legs so strong that it’s v physically supportive too. 

kozume kenma; he’s so. quiet. like say something kozume. say anything. he’s just wincing and cringing. 4/10 cause where’s the emotion. lets you hold his hand, like wow you should be honored. insults you back if you insult him???? like what’s that about???? when he sees his baby he does like, sharply intake a breath or whatever cause he doesn’t want to cry but he’s really struggling not to, which is kind of cute you guess. films the whole thing and does like a peace sign with a very nonchalant face but he has a filter on and the filter scans your face too except you’re like screaming. actually a 3/10. 

sugawara kōshi; he’s incredibly supportive yes, but mans will be laughing at you. laughing. at you. probably films you and is like properly giggling and laughing boisterously. is so unfazed by anything and everything he sees. he would so easily be a 10/10 but he becomes a -1/10 just cause he’s an ass. definitely like is breathless and is so mind-blown when he sees his baby. just in awe and in shock that he laughs like, “we made that holy crap.” good to have in the delivery room because he does make the atmosphere easier and more lighthearted, but,,, at what cost? your sanity’s. 

suna rintarō; the amount of times you wanted to punch him you cannot count on your ten fingers. makes some sex joke about how you’re so stretched out. you literally want to deck him. films the birthing process and makes you watch the video when you’re not even done delivering the baby? cause he’s insane i guess? justifies it as “this is a reminder of how strong you are,” like shut up with your bullshit. it’s kinda smart tho cause you can pull this on your kid later but still. he’s so fucking annoying. if you hold his hand too hard he’ll be like “it can’t be that bad stop being such a baby,” and the baby is delivered like an hour early out of spite. a 6/10 tho cause somehow you love him and decided to have a baby with him. 

ushijima wakatoshi; pt.2 to say fucking something??? he’s mostly quiet cause he doesn’t really know what to say, and cause he’s never seen you in this much pain and it’s kind of shocking him. he’s not scared though, cause it’s like, a natural process of human life and the life cycle and all that stuff, he’s just like. taking time to process it. lets you hold his hand though. also if you wanna like give up halfway through he’s annoyingly angry with you like “no. you can’t just give up halfway. stop being a coward.” like why don’t you give it a try toshi??? a 5/10. could do better. 

terushima yuuji; so hyperactive that it’s infuriating. doesn’t even hold your hand, he just stands back and observes and like cheers. literally will jump every time you push, like what the fuck, my love? makes really weird comments like “what does it feel like? does it feel like you’re pooping?” like???? it feels like i’m being torn in half yu :D a 4/10 only cause when you ask if you can slap him he wholeheartedly agrees and the doctor cannot hold their laugh back. also definitely plays like the chika dance and makes the nurses do it with him. probably films a tiktok too. you’re going to kill him after. 

oikawa tōru; he’s trying so hard to be supportive and your backbone but he’s just so jittery and nervous. he’s not going to faint or get nauseous, but he literally cannot stay still. he’s so anxious it’s making you anxious. his hands are shaking when they grip yours, but honestly, completely unbiased of course, an 8/10, cause it really is so endearing. like he’s breathlessly and exasperatingly praising you and you can tell he’s near tears just gasping back sobs so ,,, maybe he’s not that annoying. but he is. he is annoying. a little. 

━━ would be the best of the best. perfectly supportive. a lovely anchor. not too quiet, not too chatty. is so soft and gentle with you. you fall in love with them all over again. 

miya osamu; definitely a 10/10. husband material. he has a cloth that’s just patting away at your sweat. kisses your hand and knuckles. soothingly rubs at your thighs. tells you you’re doing great, that it’ll all be worth it. kisses your forehead. grins at you halfway through when you need that extra motivation. literally all the nurses and the doctor are swooning over him. he’s very nervous deep down but he won’t show it, not for a moment, for your sake. 10/10. can’t stress this enough. 

kita shinsuke; another king! so soft with you when you feel like giving up. just speaks to you in hushed tones like, “you’ve come this far, lovely. you can’t back out now. think of all the happy moments we’ll get to share just a few hours from now.” and you’re like “alright i’m sold.” completely unfazed by anything he sees. okay maybe a little fazed but he just kisses your forehead after sneaking a peak and tells you you’re doing wonderfully. 100000/10. imagine him as the father of your children???? like literally who else would you want????

aran ojiro; wow another inarizaki i sense a trend. except atsumu he’s a pussy. cheers you on quietly, holds onto your legs, breathes with you, smooths your hair back, literally just an angel. if you take a small break he just spends it quietly talking with you to get your mind off the pain. his knuckles are just caressing your jaw and cheek softly till you’ve calmed down. 10/10 obviously. he’s just the right amount of loud supportive and quiet supportive. kisses you full on the mouth when he first hears his baby’s cries and can’t stop thanking you. literally wtf he’s so cute.

kuroo tetsurō; he’s actually surprisingly very serious when you’re delivering the baby. he’s cracking jokes and all before to try and get you less nervous but it’s actually because he’s freaking out. he’s mostly quiet, just holding onto your hand as tightly as you’re gripping his. he holds his breath every time you push. keeps whispering i love you and pressing kisses to your temple. a 9/10 cause he’s so quiet it’s a little scary but he cannot hold back his tears when he sees his baby. kisses you all over your face after. 

satori tendō; very emotional. like so emotional. he’s teary eyed the whole time, just thanking you even if you hadn’t given birth yet. it makes the nurses cry too cause it’s so lovely to see him get so visibly affected by this. he’s just whispering thank you’s and i promise not to let you down ever and i promise to love you forever and you’re pretty sure he’s speaking to the baby you’re birthing at this point. 9/10 cause he made you cry :( no but really he’s a 10/10. super loving, keeps asking you if you’re okay, if you need water, need to hold his hand, anything. angel, fr. 

matsukawa issei; relatively surprising as well because you expected him to be more than just annoying, but he’s just. in awe. he’s so amazed by how much you’re going through, and he just stores it in the back of his brain. literally thanks you for the next 50 years to come. laughs endearingly with you to lighten the mood. 9/10. a point is deducted because he jokingly said that now you’ll be able to take his dick really easily. a nurse choked in shock pls. gets real close after to whisper i love you so that only you can hear. he’s just a dream <3

━━ would not let you move an inch after giving birth. all the work is on them for the next 5 years. 

all of them. not a single one is left out in this one. they’re annoying but ,,, they all love very strongly <3

end note; listen idk what this is. i had a vision where iwaizumi could not handle his s/o giving birth and the thought was actually so sweet to me, just the nurses laughing at him and he’s just breathing deeply to try and not throw up and then. this happened. anyways. this helped put me in a better mood so i hope it does/did for anyone else too! 

[all-might-can-smash-me]

Dad/Family headconons

Masterlist

Aizawa, Taishiro, Toshinori, Sir Nighteye, and Hawks

Aizawa Shouta/Eraserhead

Despite him being that kind of nonchalant, I don’t give a shit about anything kind of person.....he’s a family guy

Loves kids

He just wants you to have a huge army of kids following alongside you hand in hand to visit him at work.

Looks forward to being able to relate to someone else with his quirk

Doesn’t care if they are all girls, all boys, a mixture of both, or even fostering or adopting, he’s for everything

Was kind of afraid to open up about that side of himself when you two got married, but you are all for it too

Feels that he can handle it with your help thanks to having some experience with dealing with his students

Is slapped in the face with shock when you two have your first 2 or 3 kids because infants are, you guessed it, nothing like teens who are all emotional about becoming a prohero

Guess he would be prepared for whenever they would get to their teenage years

Except for periods because he didn’t know anything about them but he’ll probably take the time to learn about it from you

Still happy over his growing army though

Still loves the chaos of it all, plus it’s good to have Aizawa to control their quirks when they start to develop

The chaos also reminds him of his own time in school with his few friends he had....they were always so vibrant and loud unlike him and he kind of envied it (secretly)

Yamada and Kayama (Present Mic and Midnight) loves to visit his little army and spoil them with toys and snacks even if Aizawa disapproved of it

You helped hand out the toys and snacks.....Aizawa could suck it up

Napping piles are normal in this household, so don’t be freaked when you see all of your children curled up or around Aizawa under a pillow fort in the living room.

It breaks his heart everytime though when his kids beg to take a stray cat home and he has to say no....but he’ll end up going back on patrol to feed it and then probably cave in and bring it home anyway

He’ll just shrug off his children’s accusations of him being a ‘hypocrite’ for saying no to their pleas earlier and say something like ‘Well I said you couldn’t do it, nothing about me though’

The tea parties are lit and he’ll crush anyone at a video game

Taishiro Toyomistu/Fatgum

Really never thought about having his own kids until meeting Kirishima and Tamaki

Life was changed FOREVER since meeting them, now he would like to have his own family

It was kind of confusing to finally have the talk of having kids a couple of years into your marriage, but your views on having kids were changed too after meeting the two UA students

He let you on thinking just one or two kids were great, but you didn’t know if you should have been surprised that you were in the hospital room pushing out your 5th child

It was kind of funny to see Taishiro freaking out even if it was his 5th time next to you in labor

Your kids were so use to it they just sat out in the hallway doing their schoolwork or playing games on their iPads as Kirishima and Tamaki watched over them (your labor would always catch them while they were out on patrol)

I picture that all his kids are girls

He uses the excuse “just one more kid, maybe this time it’ll be a boy”, It’s NEVER a boy

I feel that he’s the dad to sneak home McDonald’s fries or ice cream to his kids despite you not liking it

Will take the blame when you catch one of your daughters munching on fries on the way back to her room (daughters will also try to take the blame, but how the heck could girls 13 and younger sneak out all the way to McDonalds)

He’ll also get all his daughters together to bake a cake and also decorate it. The creativity shown by his daughters will always amaze him.

He and his daughters would even clean up the kitchen together...mostly so that you wouldn’t get mad upon seeing the kitchen as a disaster

Gets way into watching Barbie’s Life in the Dream House and secretly really loves our queen Raquelle

All Might/Toshinori Yagi

Just wants one little girl

To spoil her ROTTEN!

Seeing his friend David Sheild’s daughter Melissa grow up and look so happy always made him envious. Young Midoriya also played a huge role in his desire for at least one kid

One child was enough for the two of you and thankfully your first and only child was a girl

Gran Torino will also spoil her rotten along with Sir Nighteye

Will not be embarrassed to be caught sprawled out on the ground with your daughter playing with dolls

He’s actually quite proud of the fact that he doesn’t mind getting down and dirty when it comes to playing with ‘girly’ things with his young daughter unlike other dads

Loves to play Studio Ghibli movies for your daughter.....but Yagi is way more into it

I say this because Toshinori will try to hide his tears while watching My Neighbor Totoro as your daughter is fast asleep on his lap.

He will also sneak in a rated pg-13 hero movie from the United States in when your gone too....and then he’ll act surprise when your daughter would repeat the fowl language she heard in the movie

He would and WILL spend hours on YouTube to learn how to braid hair and put bows in and ribbons

He would bring her to work a lot too to see class 1A in action

Daughter will forever be his ‘baby’, so he HATES the thought of her starting to date and get married.

So when she admitted that the boy ‘Todoroki’ in his class was handsome while heading home one day from his work, he swore off boys....

He wasn’t surprised though, she was always managing to get Todoroki to hold her hand while Toshinori would have class 1A doing scenarios in teams and showing off her hair to him and asking if he noticed anything different.

Todoroki is a good sport, he held her hand and always complimented her hair...

Yeah she was mad at Toshinori and you made him unswear off boys, especially Todoroki

Brings your daughter to work just to brag about how he did her hair to EVERYONE

Mirai Sasaki/Sir Nighteye

Eh....he didn’t want kids, never had the desire tbh

Though something about UA students’ charming personalities making these heroes want families. Mirio got him thinking one kid couldn’t be so bad

You were shocked when he asked to have a kid, but you agreed....after discussing it for awhile to make sure he wanted this

I picture him having one cute, little shy boy

Like the cute little boy with glasses who wears those cute shorts with a bug related shirt that just wants to search for roly-poly in the dirt and grass in the back yard

Very quiet and a bit shy around new people, but is literally the most polite little boy in the WORLD

Nighteye will use his quirk on his son when out looking for bugs to just see if he missed something in the grass or dirt, but that’s as far as he’ll use it

The reason why Nighteye thinks he’s so funny is because your son (and you of course along with mirio) are the only ones who laugh at his jokes, especially your son

Your son finds ANYTHING his dad says or does hilarious. His dad made a gasp of excitement along side his son upon finding a millipede? Instant laughter will follow

Those bouts of laughter from his son is the best feeling in the world to him

Tried to make your son an expert on All Might, but gave up when he came to his conclusion that your son just wasn’t into it.

It was kind of weird at first to find out his son was just simply NOT into heroes, but now he just loves the fact that his son likes what he likes and doesn’t let himself get swayed by others, even his own mom and dad

If you can’t make his little boy, his pride and joy, laugh? Sorry, but don’t talk to Nighteye or his son ever again

He will sit and listen to his little boy go on and on and on and ON about anything and never get bored (or show it). He will sit and listen intently about the cool facts about the bug he found or a plant.

He’d even listen to the longest explanation about a tiny little squiggle on a piece of paper that he drew on if it was being told by his little boy.

Will even put a meeting on hold just to answer a FaceTime from his son from your phone just to listen to him talk about a leaf he made a pressing of....and will sit there with the volume all the way up on his phone too so the others in the room can hear as well.

Will spend all night pinning bugs to a board to frame and label just for your son

Keigo Takami/Hawks

He didn’t even want to date tbh

Though when he met you? The cliche ‘love at first sight’ happened and soon the two of you were married pretty quickly and boy was he a happy man

He didn’t really even want kids either. He just didn’t want to have kids and somehow they end up with a childhood like his that’s not the greatest or most normal, plus he was happy with the little domestic life with you.

But then IT happened. You know, when a mommy and daddy love each other very much and poof, a baby? Yeah....

He was TERRIFIED, but once your first child came into the world, a new sense of happiness sparked within him, like his own eyes opened for the first time to the world

This happened twice more, ending up with his happy family consisting of you, his two boys, and his little girl.

He’s the kind of dad to have his wallet FILLED with pictures of his kids and you. He will shamelessly show them off to fans while on patrol and also to Endeavor....even if he’s seen them a trillion times. Also his office is filled with framed pictures too

He also gets in trouble a lot along with his two boys for playing to rough and loudly within the house by you, especially for flying and being too competitive with video games and ANY activity he would take part in with them.

What can he say? His sons were like the best friends he was never able to have as a kid, he wanted to take in the beauties of having an energetic family

He doesn’t play favorites, but when it comes to his little girl? Sometimes he’ll catch a feeling of her feeling like she’s the odd one out when it comes to her two older brothers and he can relate to that feeling.

So he’ll set aside some dad and daughter time to do the things she likes, like read, color, and draw

He would even let her do his hair with tiny braids and color pieces of clip in hair and many butterfly clips. Keigo would also then wear it out proudly on patrol and check his reflection MULTIPLE times to make sure everything was in place.

He would then shout to the press and paparazzi that his daughter did his hair, showing it off in the process

When the picture would come out with the headliner ‘Hawks’ New Look Thanks to Daughter’ for the news the next day, the look of pride and awe on your daughters face upon looking at the front cover of the magazines and newspapers at the store you and his family would shop at would absolutely melt his heart melt

He’s the first one to pull back the covers to let his children climb in when scared by a thunderstorm or the spooky shadow in their room even if they may be getting ‘too old’ to be doing that...according to Endeavor however, so that information might be wrong

Bribes his kids not to tell you that he entered the house through the window and not the front door

[suspicious-potatoes]

Idk if you just don't get what I mean, but someone going "what? That's odd. What about this?" is not not bothering to look for context, it's just responding. And I meant it quite literally as a suggestion, not a command. Feel free to be weird about it, but if this is how you react to someone asking questions, I don't think you've got a claim to being that reasonable.

What's so hard about communicating directly and clearly and letting it stand as what you mean? You don't have to take my suggestion as any kind of feedback and I don't have to look for context that isn't plainly given. Nevertheless, if I see something that doesn't quite appear coherent, I'm gonna do what I personally feel like doing. If you can't follow a train of thought through paragraphs of text, digest it and respond to it, that's your issue. You still never really "explained" how the concept of compassion fatigue somehow commoditizes empathy as if it's being marketed, but I guess at this point I shouldn't expect much but the inability to simply state information.

Caring about people is not emotional labor, true. But caring for people involves physical or mental effort/work/labor/whatever makes sense to you, and this has a toll in the form of stress. It literally wears people out. Whether they can replenish themselves is a different issue, but regardless, being worn will, guess what, make you

fatigued.

compassion fatigue is one of the ugliest phrases neoliberalism has produced. you have got to stop conceptualising your empathy as a commodity.

[devildomimagines]

For shit’s and giggles, let’s have the Brothers react to a pregnant MC. She’s 5 months and showing so when they see her groaning in pain from landing badly from the portal, they notice her covering her stomach and she’s like “I could’ve hurt my baby, asshole!”. Let’s say the dad’s not in the picture but MC just wanted a kid and didn’t expect to deal with Overlords of hell while she’s gonna go through a rollercoaster of emotions and cravings. (I also wanna see em lose it when she goes into labor a couple months while they’re at one of Diavolo’s parties cuz I love chaos and just wanna see everyone but Barb panic)

Hi Anon! Thanks for your patience while I worked on this!

This was a little tough for me since I’ve never been pregnant 🤣 I hope this is some of what you were looking for!

Edit: I wrote some of this for the formerly Undateables, check it out here.

Belphegor

*Existential Crisis Ensues*

After the events of Chapter 16…. Oof.

He didn’t know but damn does that stoke his grief to be red hot and blistering once again.

When he recovers enough to pledge himself to caring for you, he builds the best nest to sleep in. 

You never have a restless night with him making sure there are enough pillows to support your stomach or under your back and blankets for whether you are hot or cold.

Going into labor: For once not sleepy. He is a demon on a mission. Once he gets you to where you need to be, he collapses for some rest and earns a bed next to yours.

Beelzebub

“Baby?” 

He was not aware, he innocently thought the weight was just because you were eating with him more.

He went to Lucifer first to get some guidance, he’s already starting to worry.

He’s very gentle with you from then on, offering a helping hand wherever you may be going. You’d have to remind him that you’re still sturdy enough to walk otherwise he would carry you everywhere.

The best at dealing with food cravings because he has them too! He even opens your eyes to weird food combinations that surprisingly work well.

Going into labor: Poor baby, and not the one coming out of you. He loses his appetite as you tell him what’s happening.

Asmodeus

“Baby!?”

He didn’t know but he’s excited!? A baby ‘you’ would be so cute!

He definitely knows all the tricks for moisturizing to minimize stretch marks, massages to relieve tension, and foot rubs for swollen feet.

Almost immediately starts buying baby clothes and planning baby photoshoots.

You do have to tell him a few times that what he’s doing is too much and you’re too tired. He respects that but he won’t stop trying.

Going into labor: I feel like Asmo would have a bullhorn ready to go yelling at people to get out of your way. It’s much more embarrassing but he’s doing his best.

Satan

You know the surprised face he makes with a hand on his chest, yeah that.

He has a vague idea about human pregnancy and labor, I can’t imagine it didn’t come up in any of his readings but he looks into it further now.

Surprisingly, he handles the mood swings the best, probably because he’s been through it with his anger. He gets it.

Satan is very thoughtful and considerate. Orders you decaf tea when you go out to his favorite coffee shop and offers to pay for any baby books if you express a need.

You absolutely change his world when you let him feel the baby kicking. That’s when it took a whole new meaning to him, this was life.

Going into labor: You probably told him your birth plan so he knows where to take you and what you need just from memory. 

Leviathan

Frozen in place until it finally registers, “What?”

Really awkward around you for the rest of the day.

Furiously does research that night, scouring the internet for as much as he can digest about humans’ pregnancy and babies. He finds some really obscure complications and issues and then he’s scared for you.

The next day he’s watching you nonstop. You ask him what’s wrong, he says nothing but continues staring.

With his Akuzon account, anything you could need he can get in less than a day, just say the word.

Going into labor: Probably running away, I’m sorry if you thought he was going to be helpful with that.

Mammon

“B-b-b-b-baby?”

Whether you two have been intimate or not, he’s still sweating and counting on his fingers to try to figure out if he’s somehow the father.

He goes to Lucifer, “Hey! Did ya know about this?” And just motions to the whole of MC.

He steals borrows a baby book from Satan and starts spouting random facts to prove he’s knowledgeable. “A woman’s uterus will expand about 500 times its original size during pregnancy.” Thanks, Mammon.

Was he attached to your hip before? Yes. Is he even more so now? Also yes.

Going into labor: Confused but he got the spirit. He definitely thought the baby was going to be born right there if you pushed it out so he’s yelling “Don’t push MC! Keep it in!”

Lucifer

The only one of the brothers that actually knew you were pregnant as it was in your file/application for the exchange program.

Still kind of offended you took that tone with him but may start to worry about you more.

He already has a soft spot for you so you could ask him for anything and he’d do or get whatever you need.

I think he would know the most about human pregnancy since he probably had to prepare in advance to present the idea to Diavolo.

If you want a special treat, definitely have him feel the kicking baby. The warmth and love on his face is 100% worth it.

Going into labor: Obviously, the most together to handle the situation but the flashes of worry and concern in his movements and reminds you that he’s not unmoved and even the Avatar of Pride can get flustered.

[amyscascadingtabs]

this is sappy but whatever. i wrote most of this before the season started (which is why i come off as reasonable and somewhat mentally stable about all of this) but felt appropriate to post it now as a thank you. ❤️

i have vivid memories from the night b99 was cancelled. the news came late evening my time, and i had been editing fic and checked twitter and there it was. loud and clear. i don’t remember which site it was but the picture was jake and amy with their wedding cake and that made everything feel even worse.

i remember freaking out even though i had been prepared, because those last days before the news hit on tumblr were... panicked. but i still freaked out to the extent that i ran outside in my pajama pants and hoodie and blue plastic slippers and called my mom, and then i walked up and down the streets where i lived in the darkness and cried in frustration as she tried to talk me down. i remember there were random guys with motorcycles out? but i was too hysterical to care. i’m pretty sure i screamed something to my mom about ”HOW CAN BIG BANG THEORY GET A BILLION SEASONS BUT THIS SHOW GETS CANCELLED????”

i know everyone who was in the fandom at the time has their cancellation story. what played the biggest part in mine was the fact that i felt like i hadn’t had enough time. really, i had only just become active in the fandom, only just started interacting with people on here and writing my first few fics, but i was absolutely loving it. it was giving me happiness again after a long period of emptiness and depressive feelings. when it was cancelled, what made me feel the worst was the fact that i’d had so little time – to make friends, write fic and react to episodes together. i felt deeply jealous of everyone who’d gotten more.

thinking about it coming to an end now has made me remember that night and those feelings of jealousy. because i did get more time. i got three more years. that night, i remember asking for just one, for a half, for anything, and i got three years.

and these three years have been a whirlwind of emotions and feelings and episodes and debates and discussions and gifsets and fanfic and asks and having this as my safe space while pretty much everything changed around me in the outside world, and i just want you all to know that i have never taken a single day of them for granted. this show could have been taken from me before i’d ever gotten the chance to grow with it and alongside it, and instead it was part of my life for three whole years.

i have a really, really good memory (four time quiz champion anyone? just me?okay <3), and i remember so much of it in such detail, and it's so weird to think about how long it's been when it also feels like yesterday.

i remember my first comment on peraltiago parenting experience, my first episode-related fic, the insane high after the renewal, staying up all night to watch the wedding live. i remember writing fanfiction on the beach while on vacation in greece, on a plane to berlin, at home on my parents balcony late late at night. i remember the honeymoon episode title being released, s6 starting filming again, the excitement over every little piece of news and finding about the cast directing. i remember labor fic and christmas fics and when i scroll back to pictures of my paris trip in january 2019 it's interspersed with a billion pictures of andy at the golden globes. i remember lighting my fairy lights in my little basement room and watching season 6 in bed at 2.30 am if it was a big episode, and watching it in the morning before fridays in high school most days. i remember writing post-ep fics during classes and on my phone on subways and trains. i remember the s7 news, and the casecation nerves and debates, and fucking kissgate. being named "the class amy santiago" by my friends when we graduated and getting a little silver paper plate to show for it. i remember the first fic exchange and inventing julian and simon santiago and i remember meeting @johnny-and-dora and eating wagamamas in manchester and talking about how simon santiago was DEFINITELY on the stairs and buying a little fake plant that i named andy plantberg (he's still in a box somewhere). i remember writing fic during slow hours in the ice cream shop i worked at. moving and putting up my framed b99 poster in my own apartment (very much still up). finding out about trying and everyone going fucking crazy. infertility fic. melissa's pregnancy news. s7 promo and standing outside my job the very first day and texting siân "AMY HAS TO PEE!!!!!???" because that was in the promo and we knew there were pregnancy tests involved in the first episode. the crazy happiness of s7 finally premiering. everyone going crazy about jake and amy deciding to start trying and how i could quote the scene verbatim the next few days. the week leading up to trying, what turned out to be the last normal week before the pandemic. the fucking MESS i was after that. the following week and ding dong and crying with happiness. being dizzy with hyperfixation joy the following day and barely feeling aware of the covid pandemic for the first few days because i was just thinking about jake and amy having a baby. getting through the first few weeks mostly because of b99. admiral peralta and finding out we were having a BOY and not even being disappointed even though the headcanon had been the opposite for years because it was perfect. the iconic b99 quizzes. lights out and mac being born. somehow managing 475 days before season 8, coping together when we got the news about the final season, watching the cast do their final day of filming. the first stream being interrupted by a storm warning and cutting out several minutes because of course. getting to see parents peraltiago and MAC and the insane speed with which those few seconds were giffed. more b99 quizzes. the vow renewal. the finale.

i remember all of it and so much more and as much as my heart is breaking, i’m trying to remind myself that i could have gotten none of this.

brooklyn nine-nine has been such an important part of my life. and it always, always will be, forever. i could have lost it all that night, and instead i got three more years. if i'd known that when i was walking the streets outside my house in the darkness in complete panic, i would have cried with happiness.

so thank you. all of you. for everything. ❤️❤️❤️ for the friendships, the joy, the asks, the debates, the fic response, EVERYTHING. whether we've shared three years or one or less, just know that i'm so grateful.

have some random pictures i found and screenshots from my private instagram (which is inactive so don't bother) from when i started this hyperfixation. jesus lmao 😭😭😭😭 i am less insane now. no i'm not. but i express it less on instagram.

[witchofstarz]

I wish women would stop falling for and perpetrating the whole “ older men are better” myth.

edit: some errors

I feel like age gap relationships between older men and younger women are so normalized that even women themselves will bend over backwards to either defend these relationships or not bat a single eye at these pairings. They are everywhere you look, and I think it’s so strange because growing up I’ve always heard women ( or girls) say things like “ EWW I would never date a guy 1-2 years younger than me because I see them as younger brothers/babies lmao” or “ I like dating older guys because they’re so mature and men my age are immature” , but they never seem to critically think about applying these things to the older men that want to date them. They never put themselves in the shoes of older men ( and emphasis on older men, not just an older person but a man) and think about why these men might go for them ( the younger women). 

It’s not a coincidence that older men/ younger women pairing is common and it’s rooted in misogyny that places an importance in: a women’s youth ( which is associated with beauty), an older man having more experience and therefore taking the ‘lead’ and can ‘guide’ the younger women ( he can mold her as the person he wants her to be), men seeing young women as a status symbol/ trophy to feed his ego ( having an youthful wife/girlfriend vs an older wife girlfriend which is seen as an “ old hag” by society), older men thinking he can vicariously live through her youth even when he’s old, having a younger wife/gf that can be his caretaker as he ages. etc you get the point. 

Under the patriarchy there is such a huge emphasis on women only being valuable during their youth yet so many women will overlook the fact that men will look for and pursue women that fit these qualities. And this is important to note because women also forget that men don’t have the same intentions as them or just assume that older men pursuing them are decent and their standards for finding a wife/gf aren’t influenced by patriarchal ideals.  Women aren’t socialized to value ~youthfulness~ in men. 

And this brings me to the whole choice feminism consensus that as long as you are a women making a ‘choice’ ,then all it takes is for a women to give the green light to said choice is okay, no questions asked. No critiquing what influences might have been led her to a choice ( in this case it’s choosing to get into an age gap relationship with an older man without thinking about his intentions [ but hey that doesn’t matter *shrugs*] , and if you question this very common phenomenon your a misogynist who doesn’t respect women’s agency or whatever. ) IMO choice feminism is dangerous in this aspect because it sets precedent to having younger women date older men without the reflection needed that could prevent them from getting into unfavorable relationships. 

It’s important for women to always questions men’s intentions and analyze how living under that patriarchy might have influenced their own views on what an ideal male partner should be. ex ) men lying about how they ‘get better with age’ and ‘are more mature’ as they get older and thus might influence younger women into pursuing older men thinking it will guarantee them an ideal partner, which couldn’t be further from the truth. The only people these lies benefit are older men whom are trying to secure younger women by somehow showing that they are inherently being of more value than their younger male counterparts. The same does NOT apply to older women, in fact they are seen as bitter old hags past their prime that are just jealous of younger women. 

It’s important to see who benefits from  these “ older men are better “ tropes because unfortunately some women have fallen for them, hence women’s ridicule and aversion to younger men and thinking they won’t get the same bullshit from older dudes. The whole “ older men are more mature” thing is bs especially when you constantly hear about women behaving like managers and caretakers towards men who refuse to do their fair share of emotional labor + housework. Age is irrelevant, women still end up playing the role as older men’s household managers despite being younger. And it doesn’t stop there they are also supposed to bring a ~youthful touch~ to a relationship and help coax emotionally constipated older men into sharing their feelings ( emotional labor + playing therapist). If anything I think younger women are convinced that going after older men will somehow make them escape a lot of the labor and pain associated with being a women in a ssa relationship but they fail to realize that these are just issues that relate to dating men in general and the age of the man doesn’t change that......because men miracuously don’t grow out of their misogynistic ways as they age. 

(sidenote 1: Younger women themselves that think that they are best matched with older men is also weird since it perpetuates the whole ‘ younger women age faster / mature faster than men’. Like, let young women/girls be youthful and immature? Let them act their age?? It’s sad to see women internalize this whom mindset that somehow they need to match some older dudes mental age and believe that they are inherently more mature than guys their own age. Younger women don’t need to pair up with some dude at a different stage in life and he’s not that impressive, he’s literally just in another stage in his life and when they get to his age they’ll find out that he’s not that impressive.

(sidenote 2: Also wanted to say that wanting an older man for security is odd since it just screams traditional gender roles and tbvh idk why the hell are so called ‘ empowered’ women still looking for ~security~ from men. I don’t find why they find older ~secure~ men more impressive for being more into their careers when it's a given at an older age ). 

[sweateroverlord]

update on this: storm passed. Learned how to single crochet. Learning how to half double crochet

I don’t know how to properly express how this hobby has helped me feel self-assured and maybe even joyful again but I’ll try to put it into words.

It’s like…God I know this sounds stupid but sometimes I need to know I’m progressing somehow to feel validated. I’ve been failing a class this semester (among other things) and witnessing first hand my progress, however small, into this hobby helps so much? That’s not even adding how time away from the online and mental space has helped me mentally. Sometimes you do need to not think, as weird as it sounds.

And saying just “not think” is ironic because like…I have the mental issues that make it hard to Not Think. It’s What My Brain Does. I know how frustrating it is to hear it said but being able to just focus on the task at hand while crocheting is nice. It goes Insert, Yarn Over, Pull Through, Yarn Over and Pull Through Both Loops. Rinse and repeat. And falling into that rhythm is nice because I don’t have to think. All I have to worry about is this moment, this stitch, and I’ve never had that before.

What makes my feelings about this so weird and stupid sounding is that it’s like…ok and? Why are you basing your worth as a person from production, of all things? It’s not like you’re going to help society by crocheting or are you perhaps implying that juman value only comes from what you create? And it’s like…no, human value is intrinsic and it’s what gives the value of production. It’s what gives labor its value (taking an economics class, long story).

And then there’s the added layer of how “no thought” can be difficult for others to hear because sometimes thoughts are all you have, all you own. And I know that feeling all to well. But crocheting has helped me realize that thoughts, especially intrusive and impulsive ones, are transient and don’t represent forever. Sometimes you need to ground your thoughts into something for it to become eternal.

It’s similar to emotions. Emotions are impermanent yet impactful. Two things can be true at once. But those emotions are only grounded when they begin to impact the world beyond your head. Hence, the importance of joy. I thought I had never felt joy but then I realized I’ve never recorded an instance of joy.

I think there’s joy in creation and production, in giving form to something previously formless. It’s like yarn becoming a granny square; it’s isn’t there until it is. You can make and unmake something in moments and I’ve been thinking about this a lot.

I think there’s joy in simple hobbies that give no additional value to society. I think there’s joy in me crocheting and giving form to the emotions and ideas and thoughts I wouldn’t have given permanent form otherwise.

And I think that’s neat.

what is it about potential cyclones and the urge to learn a new hobby?

anyways omw to buy some crocheting supplies…let’s see how this goes

[liskantope]

Today in the gym I had one of those weird minor emotional revelations that comes from catching my own reaction and examining it on the spot.

I feel subtly intimidated a lot at the sight of other men at the gym, and at first glance this has always felt like a product of my being less fit and muscular than the vast majority of male gym-goers -- like, I'm already on the physically weak side for adult males in general but am pretty far out on the weak end of the bell curve among those who use the gym. I feel kind of self-conscious of sticking out, even as I of course don't doubt on a rational level that anyone would deny my right to be there. This has never been a major source of anxiety for me or anything, but it's often a low hum in the background.

But then today I felt a small but sharp surge of that intimidated feeling towards a guy I saw working out, then consciously noticed right away that he looked really meek and mild and his arms didn't look that much more muscular than mine. And I realized that it's really something more to do with the fact that I'm self-conscious of looking like I don't know what I'm doing (I don't have much background knowledge of good weight-training practices). And somehow a nice-looking guy with a kind face for some reason brings that insecurity out a little more (as if he's saying to himself, "that man reminds me a lot of myself except that he clearly has no technique, poor guy, he needs help") in comparison to a dude who looks like the Hulk, who visibly goes to the gym way more than is "justified" and who probably just lumps me in with the vast majority of the population doesn't feel the need to spend 15 hours a week there.

And there are probably analogies between this and the way I react to some other things in other contexts.

This idea was so fleeting and feels so distant already that just writing out this post is somewhat labored, but I think it's good to jot down these kinds of notes for oneself sooner after the mental experience happens rather than later.

[bluejayblueskies]

seven for jontim? <3

jontim + things you said while we were driving

.

The tension in the car on the way to Great Yarmouth is so thick Jon could cut it with a knife. He’s not really sure how he ended up carpooling with Tim—something about old habits and the Archers and ‘time to think’ that has Basira and Daisy sharing a car—but they’re an hour in and Jon can count the number of words Tim’s said to him on one hand.

 Jon wants to break the silence. He doesn’t know if they’ll get another chance to talk, if he’ll get another chance to say everything he wants to say. To apologize, to try to make amends, to tell Tim that he still—

 Jon sucks in a breath and looks out the window, at the sprawling countryside as it whisks by. Once upon a time, his hand would be clasped with Tim’s on the center console and Tim would be telling him some elaborate story about his latest camping trip or the case he’d been working on that had taken a dramatic turn or the latest office gossip and his own rather strong opinions about it. That’s one of the things he’d liked about Tim—the fact that Tim could talk, and Jon could listen, and when Jon got excited about something and interrupted Tim’s story, Tim would take it in stride and listen with a smile.

 God, it had been so easy, and now it’s not, and that more than anything makes Jon ache like his heart has been torn free from his rib cage.

Jon doesn’t realize he’s been tapping his fingers in a nervous rhythm on the center console until Tim lets out a labored sigh and breaks the silence as gracelessly as a bullet through a glass house. “Just say it.”

 It’s too loud after so long with only the noise of the road and the low murmur of the radio, and Jon startles, his hand retreating back to his lap reflexively. “What?”

 Tim’s eyes remain on the road, but Jon can see the tension in him, in the way his hands grip the wheel firmly and his mouth flattens into a thin line. “Just say whatever it is you need to say. Might as well. It’s not like I have anything better to do.”

 Jon winces slightly at the flatness in Tim’s voice, at the way he sounds just- just indifferent. It cuts worse than any anger or frustration. At least those meant that Tim was still feeling something toward him, no matter how negative. Now, Tim just sounds tired. Resigned.

 “I was…” Jon swallows and looks down at his hands so he doesn’t have to see Tim’s face. “I was thinking about the time we went to the coast together, to follow up on that case about the mermaid.”

 Tim makes a sound that might be a laugh if it weren’t so humorless. “Yeah, I remember,” he says, and maybe Jon’s imagining the hint of wistfulness in his voice, looking for something that isn’t there. “Turned out to be nonsense, but it…”

 Tim’s hands tighten on the wheel for a moment before going slack, his face twisting into something pained. “It was nice,” he says, so quietly Jon almost doesn’t catch it. “You, er. You had a lot to say about harbor seals.”

 Jon flushes and rubs one thumb over the other—a nervous tic of his, one that leads to dry and cracked skin if he isn’t careful. “Yes, well. Growing up by the sea tends to foster an interest in marine wildlife. And, er. Well. Nobody else ever seemed interested, in- in the topic.” A pause. Jon worries his bottom lip between his teeth and says, “I miss our conversations.”

 “Jon,” Tim says. It’s a warning and a plea and a refusal all wrapped into a single word. And Jon should just leave it at that—let them pass the rest of the time in silence, like they’ve been doing for months.

 Instead, he says, “I’m sorry, Tim. For- for everything.”

 “Please, just- not now,” Tim says, his voice growing sharp around the edges even as the core retains that same weariness Jon’s grown accustomed to.

 He hates it. He hates that Tim doesn’t tell jokes anymore, that Tim doesn’t smile wide and easy and greet Jon with a ghosting hand across Jon’s upper back, that Tim’s shoulders sag ever so slightly as he walks like he’s bearing the weight of the world. He hates that it’s his fault.

 “Then when?” Jon says, that same sharpness bleeding into the words against his will. “After this is all over? We might not—”

 We might not make it out alive, his mind supplies. But the words stick in his throat. Instead, he says, “Just. You don’t have to say anything, just- just listen. I- I don’t expect forgiveness.” Jon pauses, then says, softer, “It’s not my right to ask for it.”

 Tim’s quiet for a long moment. The radio is playing something upbeat, a pop song that Jon’s never heard but that sounds exactly like the rest of the music the station has been supplying. Jon wants to turn it off; it grates on his nerves, makes every second feel like an eternity.

 He doesn’t. Somehow, he thinks silence—true silence—might be worse.

 “Okay,” Tim says finally, his eyes still fixed on the road. “Just- just please don’t say you’re sorry. I don’t want to hear it anymore.”

 “Right,” Jon says. His fingers go to the hem of his shirt, fiddling with the fabric. There’s a loose thread there, and without thinking, he pulls it. It spirals out, making a neat line in the fabric where the weave falls out of line that Jon won’t be able to smooth out again.

 He doesn’t know what to say. What can he say? He can’t mend what’s broken, can’t unpull the thread that’s tugged them out of sync. In less than a day, they’ll be in the museum, and Jon’s skin will be crawling with the memory of ropes tight around his wrists and plastic fingers coated with lotion touching him over and over and over, and they’ll be executing a plan that Jon can’t shake the feeling will go horribly, terribly wrong. They have so little time. Never enough time.

 So, Jon says instead, “I remember when we first met. I- I don’t know if you do, it- it was very brief, and you seemed quite occupied with whatever case you were researching, but I- I remember. You were, uh. You were wearing that olive green shirt you like, the- the one with the buttons that look like flowers. You were distraught when you ripped the sleeve on that barbed wire fence when we, uh, broke into the—”

 Jon cuts off with a small laugh. “I suppose our research tactics were quite unorthodox. And more than a little illegal at times. But when I got excited about a case and decided to pursue it in a more, er, thorough capacity, you were always there. I- I don’t think I ever told you, but that was the first time I realized how much I’d grown to like you. You, lamenting about how you’d had that shirt for years, so- so dramatic about the whole situation. And I spent a frankly embarrassing amount of time finding another one just like it, an even more embarrassing amount of time figuring out how to give it to you without coming across as- as weird or what have you. But you just smiled and took it, and- and maybe it’s silly, but I think that’s when I…”

 Jon doesn’t say when I started to fall in love with you. But from the pinched look on Tim’s face, he knows he doesn’t have to.

 It’s like Jon’s there again, the weight of Tim’s smile making his pulse flutter hummingbird-fast in his throat, his voice slipping into the stutter he tried so hard to hide at work so that he came across as professional. He practically thrust the shirt into Tim’s hands, his cheeks burning as he did so. And Tim’s thank you, so genuine and surprised and happy, had dragged a smile of Jon’s own to his face.

 Tim had liked making Jon flustered—had made it a game, figuring out what he could say to make Jon smile or laugh or flush so deeply it was visible against his skin. Jon didn’t understand why some of the things he said made Tim smile in return or press a quick kiss to Jon’s lips or give Jon a soft I love you that still made Jon’s pulse quicken no matter how many times Tim said it. But it didn’t matter, because Tim understood him.

 Jon misses Tim so much he can hardly breathe, even after everything. His words come out slightly choked when he says, “I remember when you would bring me lunches because you knew I would forget to eat sometimes if I got caught up in my work. And- and when you went to that shop that had a cat and you sent me- Christ, so many pictures, it- it was really quite excessive.” Quieter, Jon says, “And when you brought me to that park with the lights, and- and you told me that you loved me.”

 “Jon,” Tim says. It comes out tense, like somebody who’s trying very hard to keep their emotions in check.

 “I know,” Jon says, pulling and pulling at the thread on his shirt until the fabric is bunched up completely and utterly ruined. I miss you. I love you. I’m sorry. “I… I know.”

 Tim’s quiet for another long moment. Then, he exhales heavily, like he’d been holding his breath, and moves one hand from the wheel to the center console, palm up.

 Tim’s hand is warm in his. He doesn’t say anything, just keeps his eyes trained on the road, even as his fingers twine with Jon’s in a practiced motion that’s still as easy as breathing.

 Jon spends the rest of the car ride memorizing the feel of Tim’s hand in his, the shape of his fingers and the soft skin of his palm, and tries very hard not to think about the way it feels like a goodbye.

[on-maars]

Kaleidoscope

Another buddie fic cause I can’t get enough of these two dumb idiots.

Read it on AO3.

Eddie’s first thought is that he’s been buried alive. He moves his hands to the side but his knuckles hit the wood and that’s when he realizes he must be trapped in some kind of box. He tries to scream but the air around him is so thick and the sound of his voice is swallowed by the darkness surrounding him at all sides.

His heart beats hard against his chest, so hard Eddie feels like it will break through his rib-cage. His eyes shuttle back and forth, scanning his surroundings and trying to adjust to the dark. He kicks the wood again and again but the material doesn’t give way and his breathing becomes labored as sweat starts falling down his forehead.

He strikes the wood above his head and doesn’t stop until he can feel the material cracks under his fingers. Only then he uses his elbow and continues hitting until the whole thing breaks and he’s buried in sand.

Eddie closes his eyes and the next thing he knows he’s back in Afghanistan. He watches his friends die and he wants to reach forward, wants to get them out of harm’s way but that’s when the bullet hits him and pain radiates through his shoulder and he falls.

“ Firefighter is down! I repeat, firefighter is down!” He hears a voice shouting. Because he’s not in Afghanistan anymore. He’s in LA. In broad daylight.

And his lungs are filled with water.

Is he drowning?

“ Eddie! Eddie!”

It’s Buck’s voice, screaming his name over and over again, so loud it makes Eddie cry.

He tries to reach out to him but his hand slips and he loses him. The last thing Eddie sees is the bloodied face of his best-friend disappearing into the water.

Eddie wakes up with a start, gasping for air. His entire body is drenched in sweat, his hair sticking to his forehead and his heart pounding against his chest like a hammer. He runs his shaking hands through his hair and closes his eyes fiercely, trying to get rid of all these images invading his mind.

“You okay?” Bobby asks and Eddie jumps with surprise. His captain is leaning against the wall and watches him with a concerned expression plastered all over his face, his eyes shuttling back and forth as if performing an internal scan of Eddie’s mind.

“I’m fine.” He says, shakily. “Just another nightmare. But I’ll be alright, cap.”

It’s a lie. An easy lie. Eddie knows it. The kind of lies he has to tell to try and maintain a somehow strong image among the 118, the kind of lies he has to tell over and over again in the hope that, with time, he might believe it himself. Because truth be told, Eddie’s not so sure he can hold on much longer. Truth be told, he can slowly feel his shell crack, each nightmare spreading the fissures wider apart.

“Buck’s upstairs.” Bobby only answers. “If you need him.”

“I’m fine.” Eddie repeats without thinking. It became a reflex, something he says as easily as a tired ‘good morning’ in the early hours of the day.

“Who are you trying to convince, Eddie? Me or yourself?” Bobby asks, his eyebrows raised. “You know we only want to help. We only want to be there for you.”

“I’m f-”

“Yeah, we know.” Bobby says with a sigh. “You’re fine. If you’re not gonna be honest with me then at least be honest with him.” He adds and Eddie looks away, his fingers twitching uncontrollably.

“I… I can’t.” He says, biting his lower lip.

“He was with you that day, you know.” Bobby tells him. Eddie can notice a slight trace of blame in his voice. “What you both went through, it’s- no one’s expecting you to have it all together, Eddie. Especially not him.” He adds. “What are you so scared is going to happen if you start talking to him about it?”

“I’ll be- I'll be okay.” Eddie repeats, stubbornly. Because it’s the only thing he can bring himself to say. He darts his eyes towards his Captain for a few seconds and the expression of disappointment painted all over his face is enough to fill Eddie with guilt.

Bobby sighs and nods to himself, as if knowing there’s nothing he can say to encourage Eddie to finally open up. He places his right hand on the door handle, takes a small step forward but Eddie doesn’t let him the time to leave the room completely.

“He deserves better than to put up with all my shit, Bobby.” He says through gritted teeth, bending his fingers into a fist.

“I’m pretty sure that’s not how he sees it, Eddie.” Bobby answers, taking a seat on the bunk next to him. His captain is watching him with so much attention it fills Eddie with unease, makes him want to run far, far away from this place.

“Yeah?” Eddie asks with a chuckle. “Well, too bad. I’m not letting him the chance to ruin his life for someone as messed up as me.” He adds, wiping his tears with the back of his hands.

“Because you don’t think he has issues of his own?” Bobby asks and Eddies shrugs his shoulders.

“Nothing to put up with.” Eddie clarifies, running his right hand through his sweaty hair once again.

“You only say that because you love him.” Bobby remarks and Eddie whirls his head around. “You don’t see his issues as something you have to put up with because you love him for who he is, no matter how much baggage he may be carrying with him.” He says. “Did you ever stop for one second to think that maybe he feels the same way about you?”

Eddie lowers his head down and doesn’t say anything. He doesn’t know what to answer to that, doesn’t know how to make sense of everything Bobby just said. He knows that, in all likelihood, his Captain might be right. Maybe that’s how Buck feels. Maybe he’s in for the long haul.

After all, every sign seems to point to that conclusion, whether it is the fact that Buck took care of Christopher without even being asked while he was fighting for his life in that hospital, or the three weeks he spent in their house helping him with his recovery, or even his break-up with Taylor strangely coinciding with his own separation with Ana, give or take a few days. The signs are here and they’re clear but something in Eddie still doubts. Something in him still hesitates.

That’s the moment Buck chooses to barge in the bunk room with a cheerful stride, smiling wildly.

That’s enough for Eddie’s lips to turn up at the edges. He can’t help it. Buck’s presence is like a ray of sunlight finally poking through the clouds after days of rain, it feels Eddie with so much love he’s afraid his heart might explode.

And Eddie’s aware of how that sounds, Hen and Chimney reminded him of how miserably cheesy he looks whenever his best-friend is around enough time to make sure of it, but Eddie doesn’t find it in him to care anymore. He’s irrevocably in love with his best-friend and maybe fighting it and trying to pretend otherwise only makes it worse.

Buck’s smile only lasts a second though. His eyes quickly fall on his best-friend and his entire face darkens.

“Eds? What’s going on? Are you okay?” He asks and rushes towards him.

“He’s okay.” Eddie can hear Bobby says. “But I think he could use some Buck time.” He adds, while getting to his feet. He squeezes Eddie’s shoulders and crosses the room, closing the door behind him. And Eddie’s grateful for the privacy but really there’s nothing more he wants but to follow Bobby out of this room and leave Buck alone.

“Another one of your nightmares?” Buck asks carefully, not sure whether to finally cross the line that seemed to have been erected between them ever since he left his flat. Eddie only nods but stays silent, the words still stuck in his throat. “The shooting again?”

Eddie nods again, not trusting himself to speak, not trusting himself to tell the truth, make him understand the true extent of his nightmares.

Not just the shooting.

Not just the shooting, Buck. The well, too. Afghanistan. The tsunami. Losing Christopher. Losing you.

Always losing you.

A silence slowly settles in the room, one person too scared to cross that invisible barrier, the other too afraid to speak. That, until Buck’s fingers tentatively reach out and brush past Eddie’s hand.

And Eddie? Eddie wants nothing more than to lean in on the touch but he does the only thing he seems to know how to do instead: He runs away. He gets up from the bed as if he’s been electrocuted by Buck's touch but his best-friend's voice stops him dead in his tracks.

“I wish you knew how to talk to me.” He says. His voice is filled with concern, and sorrow.

“I- I know how to talk to you.” Eddie says, his voice weak, overwhelmed with so many different emotions he doesn’t even know how to make sense of any of them.

“Then how come you never do, Eds?” Buck asks, his voice soft.

Eddie’s hands start shaking again. In fact, his whole body trembles but still, he says nothing.

“I don’t know what changed, Eddie.” His best-friend adds, but this time his tone is desperate, almost pleading. “I don’t know what to say to you anymore.”

“Maybe you don’t need to say anything.” Eddie finds himself saying, glancing at his best-friend who slowly looks up, his big blue eyes filled with worry staring back at him.

“Maybe.” His best-friend agrees. “But you run away even when I don’t.” He adds, smiling sadly at him.

Eddie’s throat is so tight he can barely breathe.

“I still have them too, you know.” Buck goes on and Eddie stays here, unable to move, let alone speak. “The nightmares.” He adds. “I still have them. And I don’t know what’s going on inside your head lately Diaz. I don’t know if it’s another one of your weird phases when you push everyone away because you feel like you’re strong enough to deal with everything on your own, or- or if it’s just a fucked up way for you to try and protect me from yourself but you don’t need to pretend with me, Eds.”

Eddie darts his eyes towards him and his best-friend is already looking at him dead in the eye, not blinking.

“Because I was there too, you know.” Buck adds. “I wasn’t the one who got shot but I was there, too.” He adds and something in his face just breaks. “So whatever you’re feeling, Eds, I- I get it. Trust me.”

Eddie pinches the bridge of his nose and closes his eyes fiercely, sighing deeply as he lets himself fall on his bunk next to Buck. For a moment, neither of them say anything. Eddie only intertwines their fingers together and lets his thumb draws small patterns on Buck's palm.

“I never wanted you to leave.” He still admits after a few seconds, ignoring the way his best-friend whirls his head around, his eyebrows frowned in confusion. “I wanted you to stay.” He adds. “The first night I spent on my own, the only thing I wanted to do was to call you and beg you to come back.”

“Why didn’t you?” Buck asks. And it’s a simple question. A simple question that should come with an easy answer but once again, the words get stuck in Eddie’s throat and he can’t speak. “Why didn’t you call me?” Buck repeats and Eddie chuckles, lowering his eyes to the ground.

It’s only a few seconds later that the words finally come.

“Because you would’ve come.” Eddie breathes out. “And I couldn’t let you do that.”

“Why?” His best-friend asks, his hand squeezing Eddie’s thigh. “You think I can’t deal with your nightmares?” He teases and Eddie lets out a shaky laugh, nudging him playfully.

“I know you can.” He says and Buck’s smile is so soft Eddie has to look away. “I just don’t want you to.” He adds.

“So what, you think I don’t have issues on my own?” Buck answers, forcing him to look up by lifting his chin with his forefinger.

“Of course you do.” Eddie whispers, his eyes are still down. “So why would you want to add mine to your pile?”

Buck sighs and cradles his chin with his hands, his thumbs brushing along his cheeks until Eddie’s eyes stare back at him. Only then, he says:

“Because I’m in love with you.”

Eddie lets out a shaky breath and doesn’t look away even when Buck’s hand moves from his cheeks to the back of his neck to press a kiss to his forehead.

“And I… I guess there’s no way for me to talk you of it?” Eddie says and smiles when Buck only scoffs and taps him on the back of his head.

“Don’t ask stupid questions, Diaz.” He says. “This is non negotiable.” Buck’s eyes glance down at his lips and all it takes is a small nod from Eddie for Buck to capture his mouth in a gentle kiss.

“I might be in love with you too, Buckley.” Eddie says against his lips and manages to miss Buck’s nudge by moving his body a bit further to the left.

“Oh you might?’ Buck teases him and Eddie cradles his neck with his hand, bringing him closer to kiss him one more time.

“I am.” Eddie clarifies, his voice clear and steady. “I’m so in love with you I think it makes me look stupid, Evan.”

And when Buck wraps his arms around his back and buries his face in the crook of his neck, Eddie only smiles and rests his chin on his shoulder, thinking that as long as Evan Buckley is by his side, then he might be alright.  

[gotnofucks]

My Little Girl-3

Pairing: dark!Tony Stark x Reader

Words: 3.7k

Warning: dub-con, smut, weird weird stuff idk how I came up with, 18+ Only

A/n: Tried to build a plot…I think

Part1  Part2  

MASTERLIST

+++++

Was it only a few months ago you were complaining about walking? You remember wishing that one day you could travel on horseback or a palanquin, but you never thought it would be this way. Tony had outdone himself by getting you a carriage, one fit for a royal and you jostled inside as it made its up a winding path.

You looked at him sat across from you, reading a scroll in the dim light of the lantern that hung overhead. He unlike you was calm, his legs relaxed and spread open while you sat biting the skin around your nails in nervousness. You didn’t know where you were going, only it will be a few long days of journey. Tony had roused you in the middle of the night asking you to pack a change of dresses and your medicinal herbs. You had asked where you were off to but like always your questions were put aside with vague reassurances.

“It does not become a future queen to pinch her face like this my love” Tony commented, his brown eyes gleaming in the faint light.

“And does it become a future king to abandon his palace in the middle of the night like thieves?” You asked with a huff and Tony chuckled. He put down his papers and held out a hand to you that you took. Pulling you into his lap, he adjusted the blanket over you so that the slight breeze from the window won’t hit you.

“You talk to me like an equal already. I will have a lot of fun taming you into an obedient wife.” He murmured in your ear and you shivered. You had come to accept his familiar intimacy over the months, somehow even crave his touch when he was away. He had made your body his, while your heart was battling between emotions for a man who ran hot and cold.

His lips pressed against your neck, right over your larynx, bulging over it as you gulped deeply. His beard scratched deliciously across your flesh and your hand raised up to push back his hair that had fallen on his forehead. You stared deeply into his eyes, trying and failing to figure him out. You still didn’t know what he saw in you, only that he refused to be parted.

His hands found the hem of your skirt, collecting the heavy fabric and pushing it up. You squeaked, holding his hands as a blush overtook your features.

“My prince, not here.” You said and Tony chuckled, slanting his mouth over yours in a deep kiss, air now kissing your neither regions. You moaned and pushed against him, your delicate hands no match for his strength.

“You should know better than to deny me my princess, I take you where I want, how I want.”

He unlaced his breeches, shifting under you to pull them down to his knees and lifting you and twisting your body so your legs fell on either side of him, straddling his thighs.

“But I’m sore.” You complained even as the bulbous head of his cock slapped against your sensitive flesh, a jolt of lightening shooting down your spine. Pleasure and rational were always at war where Tony was concerned.

“I’ll be gentle. Now put me inside you.” You took his heavy tool in your hand, positioning him at your entrance and sank down slowly on him. The rocking of the carriage aided the thrusts, his whole length going deeper in this position. He let you do most of the work, his hands at your waist helping you bounce softly. His eyes were locked intensely to yours, broken only when he leaned forward to kiss you or suck a mark on your flesh.

“We’ll reach our destination in two days; you must obey my every command there.” Tony said, his breath labored as you continued moving. You looked at him in question, but he didn’t say more, one of his hands reaching between to tease your bud. You moaned alongside him, sweaty and panting. The heat of his gaze and his body drove you towards the peek and you fell with a scream, hoping against hope that the coachman couldn’t hear you over the trampling of horses. Tony groaned as you squeezed him, his hands clutching you tight to himself as he released in your body with a few last desperate thrusts.

You breathed heavily and moved to get off him, but he held you, his hand reaching into a silk pouch to bring out a small glass vial. You watched in bewilderment as Tony reached a finger inside you and scooped out the mix of your release and his cum, dropping the thick mixture into the vial. He finally let you move and went over to seal the vial with some wax.

“What are you doing?” You asked, shock coloring your voice.

“Don’t think about it. Are you cold, do you want another blanket?” Like always your queries were dismissed like the meaningless babblings of a child and you huddled in your blanket with a frown on your face at being treated as such. “Don’t make that face when we reach at our destination. You need to be on your best behavior.”

You held Tony’s hand in yours, lacing your fingers and pulling him under the blanket with you hoping your closeness will soften him up.

“Where are we going?”

“You’ll see. Now come here my princess, you need your sleep.”

+++++

You opened your eyes when you realized you were being carried somewhere. Tony’s arms lifted you with little trouble, his title as the Man made of Iron doing justice to his strength. You were just entering what seemed like an Inn, the servants crowding to bow before the prince. You sleepily lifted your head and surmised it was probably the back door and you wondered again why Tony felt the need to hide so much.

“Your Highness, it’s an honor to be graced with your presence. As your messenger requested, we have got a room at the back ready. Not one whisper of your presence shall escape any lung here.”

Tony nodded at the servant and carried you over the threshold to a room at the end. Setting you down on the bed, he left the room and you got up, still half asleep. Now that you had been living in the royal chambers for a few months, the starched sheets felt scratchy against your skin. You heard noises outside the door and crept over sneakily, trying to listen.

“– know what I am doing. I don’t care what you say.”

“Your Highness – Tony – You are my closest friend. As someone who has stayed loyal to you and will always be, you must take my advice. It’s dangerous to cross the territory.” You recognized the voice as Lord James Rhodes and frowned since you had no idea he was travelling with your party.

“I have to! I will not have her suffer. You’re the one who suspected that Steve maybe the one who –”

“Your Highness, I didn’t mean for you to take this step. Have you any idea what state the palace will be in once they learn of your disappearance? You’re to be wedded to Princess Virginia in few weeks and if word travels back that you’re out with your…with your preferred woman things will go south.”

“That is why you are here. While I manage my personal affairs, you will see to my duties back home. If all goes according to my plan, we’ll be on our way back in a few days with good news.”

There voice drifted away and you climbed back into bed before Tony came back, mulling over what you’ve heard. The Prince has taken this journey for you, to protect you from something. And somehow Lord Rogers is related to it. You shuddered as you thought of him, his leers making you feel dirty even in your thoughts.

Tony came back after a few minutes, crawling under the sheets with you.

“Are you hungry?” He asked and you shook your head no. His hands expertly rid you of your dress, throwing it on the floor before he disrobed and joined you naked, his front to your back. You make a soft noise and his hands wandered down your curves, smoothening and squeezing while his lips bit your earlobe. “Been wanting to fill you again and again my little girl.” His fingers circled your nub, your slick running down your thigh and Tony raised your leg over his thigh before entering you from behind.

You didn’t speak, his gentle love making tugging you deep in the heart as you went over what he just said outside. His rough breath blew over your face and neck, hands playing with your nipples and nub. The sounds of slapping flesh filled the room, soft moans whispered in the dark.

“Won’t be long now, you’ll be mine officially.” He mumbled and released just after you, panting heavily. You turned over to tug yourself under his arm, but he pushed away and like before got another vial where he collected your essence. You grimaced, wondering what he’ll do with this.

“Will you ever tell me what really goes on in your head?” You ask as he lay with you.

One of his hands played with your hair and tugged a little, making you look up at him. Even in the dark, his eyes were shining like made of some luminescent rock.

“My little girl, all my thoughts are about you. You’re the only thing that is ever on my mind.” He whispered.

+++++

You looked out of the window, surprised to see that there were at least a dozen other men accompanying you. The carriage rolled down, the path getting rockier as it went and you held onto your seat. Tony had chosen to ride with Lord Rhodes, probably to talk without you overhearing. This was the farthest you had ever been from the kingdom, the wilderness getting more untamed. After a few minutes, the carriage lurched to a stop as did everyone else. You pushed your head out to see what was happening.

“You must decide Your Highness, for if we cross the boundary now there is no going back.” Lord Rhodes said to Tony whose eyes flicked to you before he nodded. The procession moved onwards and after some time it seemed like nature itself had changed. The trees on either side of the path were unlike you had ever seen, bulbous shapes, some conic with almost purplish leaves. Your eyes widened, pretty sure you were dreaming.

“Enjoying the view?” Tony asked as he rode his horse alongside you.

“This – is this real? I feel like it’s a spell.” You said in awe and Tony reached out to flick your nose.

“We’re in the lands of Kamartaj my love, everything here is an illusion and reality.”

“What’s Kamartaj, I’ve never heard of it”

You should have stuck to vague sentiments because the moment you asked the question Tony rode away, his horse speeding up to the front. You sighed in defeat, resting against the back and let your thoughts wander. You focused on the different fruits that hung from the trees, the stones that seemed to almost shine. The very air seemed sweeter somehow.

You must have journeyed for an hour before finally stopping. Before you stood a castle, but not as big as the one back home. This one was built with dark stone, the terrible winds having smoothened out its edges. It looked ancient, and if you dared think, almost alive. The men dismounted and stood in waiting, until a man in red robes emerged from within.

Lord Rhodes stepped forward and bowed deep, the man in front of him mimicking his action.

“Master Wong, I thank you for granting us your presence and admittance to your land. The Prince of Stark Kingdom extends his warm regards.”

Tony stepped forward and bowed too, the other men behind him following. Wong had very short hair, he almost appeared bald and his face held lines that seemed infused in superior knowledge. He didn’t smile at your party, merely looked at them as one would at a stone on the path.

“The Sorcerer Supreme and our Medic are expecting you. Please, have the lady come forth and follow me.” Wong said. How he knew you were in the carriage you couldn’t say for he had not glanced at your way once. Tony helped you down from the carriage, fixing your skirt and hair.

“Stay close to me, and don’t interrupt them. They are short on patience and it’s mighty great to have secured an audience.”

You had so many questions about where you were, why were you here and who were you meeting. This whole place felt detached from the world you had grown up in, as if every element here resisted what was considered normal. You let Tony guide you inside the castle, your slippers rubbing against the floor. Contrary to the cold image the castle presented, it was warm inside, with fires burning in small niches and illuminating your way. It was like a labyrinth, one hall leading to another, twisting and turning until you lost all sense of direction. You glanced over your shoulder and saw that only Lord Rhodes accompanied you, rest of the men staying outside.

The chamber that the hall opened to was large and strategic windows on the wall cast in streams of light, the whole place swimming with dust motes. Before you stood two men who looked up when Wong entered with you, one a tall man in blue robes and a red cape while another who wore a simple tunic.

Tony left your side and smiled as the man in the simple garb came forward to embrace him.

“Tony my dear friend, how long it has been.” He greeted, the man in the red cape behind him snorting in disdain.

“Bruce, or should I say Medic Banner now?” Tony teased, making Bruce rib him and chortle.

“Yes yes, its all very great to have you here. What do you want Stark?” The red cape man asked and Bruce rolled his eyes.

“Stephen, he’s a friend.”

“Your friend, Master Medic, not mine. I do not tolerate egotist princes who throw a tantrum when things don’t go their way. Their view of universe is limited to their kingdom, higher truth not interesting them in the slightest.”

You could sense the animosity between The Prince and this man, and you surprisingly found yourself fearing for Tony. You made a small noise in the back of your throat that immediately made all eyes turn towards you. Bruce’s eyes widened in curiosity and he shot an almost cheeky look at Tony.

“As I would have explained Sorcerer Supreme had you allowed me to speak, this is my future princess, Lady Y/n. Come here my love.” Tony said and you joined him, your hands clutching his. “It is her that brings me here, for I fear for her health.”

Bruce, Stephen and Wong scanned you, yet you didn’t feel afraid under their looks. It was like they looked deeper than your skin, as if their gaze seemed to be passing through you into the beyond.

“The contents in the letter you sent, they referred to her?” Bruce asked and Tony nodded. You frowned, feeling blindsided. He’d been talking about you to other people? The royal physician had declared you healthy, so why were you here in the company of men far different to any.

“My lady, please have a seat.” Stephen said politely to you and you peeked up at Tony who nodded. You were confused as you settled into a chair, Stephen sitting before you. Your eyes settled on his scarred hands that were trembling slightly, yet they didn’t weaken his countenance in the slightest.

“Tony, you brought what I asked?” Bruce questioned and Tony produced the two vials of your essence. You blushed a deep red, embarrassment and shame flooding you.

“If I may My Lady?” Stephen asked, his thumb poised over your forehead.

“What?” You squeaked

“I’ll place my hand on your head, it won’t hurt. May I?”

He was polite to you, almost kind in a fatherly way when he spoke. You were glad his rivalry with Tony didn’t extend to you, for you didn’t think you could handle having someone like him as an enemy. Whoever he was, you saw no reason to fear him. The raw power he exuded soothed you instead of making you feel smaller. You nodded to him and his thumb touched your head. The world went black.

+++++

There was a commotion around you, voiced raising and shouting. You tried to open your eyes, but they stuck together. Memories ran across your mind, the first meeting with Tony, your mother hugging you, Steve touching your cheek, the myriads of lovemaking moments rushing past. You tried to move your hand but found you couldn’t control your body, the muscles seizing and paralyzing you. You heard your name as if from a far far place, the voice familiar and warm and full of love. You willed yourself to follow it, your body seemingly floating through nothing, wading through the dark to the source of warmth.

Your eyes snapped open and you were still on the chair, leaning back against the back to rest your head. Tony and Stephen were shouting at each other, Lord Rhodes pacing near Bruce who was fiddling over what looked like cauldrons simmering on fire. You blinked and got up slowly, your tongue heavy in your mouth.

“Tony?” You called out and saw him abruptly shut up and rush to your side, hands cupping your face, fingers stroking gently.

“Are you okay?” He asked, voice thick with worry and you nodded, hugging him. You didn’t understand what happened, but you wanted to leave. It felt like someone had jumped inside you, turning you inside out. You looked at Bruce who was adding your essence to one of the cauldrons and you shot an accusing look at Tony.

“Did you bring me to witches?”

Tony winced at your tone and shook his head, his gaze locking on Stephen who was full on glaring at him.

“Strange and Wong are masters of the mystic arts, a science beyond time. They are not witches.” He explained but you were not convinced.

“My Lady, we are sorcerers, we work with nature, not against it. Bruce is just a mad physician who doesn’t know his own strengths and limits.” Stephen explained to you. His eyes held a new sort of light when they fell on you, a look of pity and respect. “You are a strong woman My Lady, having been through what you did and still having a kind heart to let yourself care for a man like Stark.”

Tony scowled and you bent your neck, hiding your eyes from Stephen. He knew what Tony had done to you. Somehow, he had seen what happened, had felt what you felt. It was a humiliation you couldn’t take.

“You must not fear My Lady, for Kamartaj will do its best to help you. Once Master Medic finishes tinkering with his potion that is.”

As if waiting for him to say this, Bruce shot up from his chair and started pacing. “I can’t believe this. He was a friend to us, why would he turn on you.” He was mumbling to himself, running his hand through his grey and black hair. He looked at you and then started pacing anew.

“Bruce?” Tony asked, his hands holding yours and still not letting go

“If what you say is true, Steve is poisoning you.” Bruce declared and you gasped. “No, don’t look like that. It’s not venom, but a specific poison that affects only one specific brand in your body. In this case, the reproductive organs.”

Your mouth dropped open as you suddenly revisited what Steve had said to you a couple weeks ago. You couldn’t have Tony’s kid.

“He’s been mixing something in my food? My water?” You asked but Bruce shook his head.

“No, my lady. You are fertile and healthy. Steve has been mixing the poison in Tony’s food.”

There was silence for a minute until Lord Rhodes threw his knife at the wall in anger, the blade embedding itself even in stone.

“That traitor, he will be hung for treason!” He vowed and you found yourself nodding.

Tony however looked less than pleased with this information. For the first time since you had left the palace, he actually looked worried. It seemed he would have preferred if Steve were poisoning you.

“Tony, we need to tell His Majesty about this. To hell with him not accepting your match with Lady Y/n, this is about your life.” Lord Rhodes said.  Tony raised his eyes and the hard glint in them reminded you of the power he restrained when he was with you. You were painfully reminded of the first night he took you, the darkness that was barely held at bay.

“Tell my father?” He scoffed in derision. “Steve can’t poison me himself, he’s been removed as my Lord months ago. He has help from the palace staff, and the palace staff answers to only one authority.”

The truth and bitterness of the statement settled like a stone over your heart. The Prince was being conspired against by his own father.

“How long until the poison lasts?” Tony asked Bruce as if he had not just made a terrible truth known.

“A few more weeks if the use is discontinued. The effects should burn out.”

“And my seed will carry over to her after that?”

“Yes, it should.”

Tony nodded like that solved everything. He pulled you up, his eyes boring into yours with an intensity that made your knees knock against each other.

“You will bear my heir soon enough, and then I’ll gift you the head of the man who wished to separate us.”

He kissed you in full view of everyone, and you could do little but respond. You were just a shiny object that powerful men fought over, and no matter how much they loved you, desired you, you’ll end up being pulled on either side until you broke.

+++++

For those who can’t access my dark!peter x reader story from my masterlist or otherwise, try this link. Hopefully it works, because I am too lazy to post again.

PROTECTED: dark!peter x reader

[paranaturalpop]

I rate your pnat ships by how well they work as foils

I’m Professor Pops, welcome to Literature 405: comparing and contrasting in pnat ships. Love is in the air but all that really matters is narrative symmetry!

Mina and Agent Day (submitted by @anxanhh)

two women on missions who need a confidante. 

Mina is a calculating woman of science with a tender, vulnerable heart deep down that she guards. Day is a fun, giggly love goddess but beneath the surface she is just as calculating.  

They are both focused on their prospective goals to the point of subterfuge. 

They have similar missions, to solve the many mysteries of Mayview, but they’re at odds instead of working together. Will these lone wolves learn to let their walls down and work towards a common goal? 

Their spectral energies are complementary colors!!!!!!!!!!!! 

9/10 so different yet so alike. They should kiss and also develop as people.

Spendcia

Where's that post about paranatural having what my hero academia wants?

These two had interacted in cannon only once before we found out they were dating, power move on Zack’s part

The cousinhood and the consortium seem to have bad blood…. Enemies to lovers????

As teachers, Garcia is tired and phoning it in while spender is energetic and committed. But when it comes to mystery solving Spender is burning himself out while Garcia keeps him grounded.

Garcia does things like pack spender lunches with little hearts drawn on the bag but was surprised to be called his boyfriend. He acts chill but inside he is deeply invested in spender but also knows about spender’s isolating tendencies. 

8/10 there's a reason these two have been off and on again for 6ish years, they’re walking a tightrope of vulnerability.

Imaax (submitted by Rubyya)

The Destiel of Paranatural. No I will not elaborate.

Here’s a pnat history lesson, the original ship name was Maxaac, but Zack weighed in on twitter with a much better alternative: Imaax. Also sometimes called Team Lightning Rod. 

Black and blue colors, just like the emotional bruises they leave on the people around them. 

Isaac wants to be seen as heroic and Max wants to be seen as aloof. It presents in different ways but deep down they both really care what other people think.

They both fear sincerity. Isaac protects himself with theatrics and Max with sarcasm. 

Isaac puts on a big show of having strong ethics but he’s a little mean on instinct. Max puts on a big show of cutting people down with his snark and devil-may-care attitude, but when push comes to shove he’s kind and cares how other people feel. 

Max immediately insults every person he meets and they still want to be best friends with him, while Issac tries so hard to be cool and nice but people just can’t stand him. 

The meta tension between Isaac, who wants so badly to be the protagonist, and Max “magnetic personally” Puckett who is exhausted with being the protagonist, is delicious. 

There’s a reason official art tends to portray them together. They bring out the best in each other. Isaac brakes through Max’s performative pessimism and Max brings Isaac down to earth. 

10/10 these two were written as a pair and it shows.

Suzabel (submitted by Rubyya)

One of my fav tropes is ‘enemies to friends’ where the enemy part is completely one-sided. Isabel probably thinks she and Suzy get along great. 

Both the heads of their respective clubs, but with very different leadership styles. 

Isabel only studies her grandfather's spectral style to please him and is a near master of it, while Suzy is incredibly self-motivated even though her actual skills are lacking. 

Isabel is at a crucial time in her life where she’s learning to distance herself from adult authority figures in order to take on more personal responsibility. Suzy is already blazing with independence and could help her adjust. 

Inversely, Isabel could teach Suzy a thing or two about treating your club members with respect and doing the emotional labor necessary to prevent future conflict. 

Red and pink! Valentines colors! 

Isabel could kill you but would never, Suzy would actually try to kill you. 

Investigative reporter/person living mysterious double life is a great dynamic.

Back when Izzy had Eightfold they had the ship name ‘Paper Girls’ which is awesome

7/10 Don’t ask me how I know this but they would kill at karaoke together. And they’re ok foils.

Bullymagnet

Max ‘too cool for clubs’ vs a boy who defines himself by his tight knit group. 

Max is learning to be less passive aggressive and johnny is learning to be less aggressive aggressive. 

Max’s entry to spectral life was when he injured Johnny and saw a shade of a doctopi on him, and Johnny's first shade was Max's doctopi after the hit ball game. 

Johnny refuses to commit to not bullying max anymore even though he really likes him, and max is working on being nicer but he’s still gonna be snarky with people even though they’re his friends. Old habits die hard. 

If he hadn't seen that shade, Max might have joined Johnny's gang. He has the style, the stunts, the snark. 

8/10 Just two bros whose lives are changing forever.

Isaac and Dimitri (submitted by Rubyya)

Here’s my pitch for a ship name: Brainstorm

Orange and blue are complementary colors. 

Isaac hurt Dimitri accidentally somehow. Hurting others accidentally is the central theme of chapter 5. 

Idealist/pragmatist is a classic dynamic

They both have relationships with their spirit partners that are rooted in fear. 

Dimitri’s self concept is overly dependent on his sense of intellectual superiority, and Isaac’s on ethical superiority. 

7/10 have not directly interacted in the comic yet but the narrative symmetry is there

Johnny and Isabel (submitted by Rubyya)

Burnhound Vs Shockadile

These two are natural leaders who know how to treat their friends with respect.

These jocks are both lethal weapons, but while Isabel is a master martial artist, Johnny is a passionate but blunt instrument.

They’re both going through similar identity crises.

Isabel is struggling to reconcile her violent and disciplined upbringing with a good, gentle heart and Johnny is trying to reconcile his violent and self-centered lifestyle with a developing respect and empathy for other people.

Johnny dies his hair red, so he would think it’s cool how Izzy emits a fiery red aura when excited.

8/10 there's a reason these two were the team leaders in the hit ball arch.

Violet and Lisa (submitted by Rubyya)

People have been theorizing about what kind of cryptid Lisa is since day one meanwhile Violet gives off big normie energy.

Lisa is very plugged into all the Mayview weirdness as the queen of the school underground, while Violet was the only person who thought to go get a teacher during the hit ball arch. Lisa was also the only one who really spoke openly about how something was clearly very wrong with Jeff, everyone else talked around it and played by the so called ‘rules’. Lisa’s secret brokering Vs. Violet’s ‘sunlight is the best disinfectant’ attitude presents two different approaches to trying to survive in a school run by a mysterious shadow organization within a town that contains several other mysterious shadow organizations.

“If you were, I’d have to be jealous too.” just two middle schoolers pinning over their crushes.

7/10 two girls against the world.

Isaac and Johnny

ship name: Firestorm?

Just 2 fiery redheaded mediums with anger management issues that command primal forces and wanna be best friends with max

Johnny chooses to have red spiky hair, Issac has had red spiky hair thrust upon him.

Both met Maxwell Pucket and decided they needed to change for the better.

I’ve said this before but Johnny and Issac have equal and opposite philosophies. Johnny doesn't care about the greater good, he just cares about a small group of people who he loves. Issac cares about the greater good, but can’t connect with individuals and ends up hurting them. Together they form one GoodTM boy.

Both their spirit partners want revenge on Spender. This spells trouble.

If there’s anyone to teach Isaac about unconditional friendship, it’s Johnny

Isaac has sworn off violence and Johnny worships at the altar of it.

9/10 they’ve only interacted in canon once so far but I’ve think we’ve got a big storm coming.

Suzy and Collin (submitted by Rubyya)

The Bakudeku of pnat. I will continue to not elaborate.

Suzy once stole Collin's phone which prompted Collin to try to cut her hair which prompted Suzy to stab Collin and at no point did either of them think to move to a different bus seat. As different as they are they are also very much the same.

Collin is the definition of mouth service (constantly disapproving of suzy’s antics but going along with it anyway.) while suzy is all action.

Despite their different attitudes they both seem genuinely passionate about the journalism club.

Fashion icons. Suzy’s sunglasses and legwarmers, Collins sweater vests and wrist bands, this duo could walk for Paris fashion week: middle school edition.

We’ve gotten an indication that Collin cares a lot about what Suzy thinks of him (taking off his wrist bands when she made fun of Max's) but we haven't gotten any sign yet that the feelings are mutual.

5/10 I think their story is yet to be told and we’ll get to know more about how they compare/contrast to each other in the future. Maybe brought on by Dimitri's betrayal?????

Cody and Isabel (Submitted by @a-bitchtm)

Cody is gay by WOG but that doesn't matter here since we are evaluating thematic compatibility, not romantic compatibility.

Red Vs. Blue

Izzy’s arch about stepping into her role as leader through communication and honesty contrasts Cody’s role as the secret class president. Izzy finally told Isaac the truth about the consortium, while Cody blatantly lied to max about being president.

Both seem to have generally good motivations and the skills/talent to back those motivations up.

Isabel is in the process of unlearning the ‘firm hand’ philosophy that she learned from her grandpa and Cody’s dad straight up tried to mind control him into murdering a toddler.

They were both taught to fall back on their capacity for violence and intimidation but those teachings conflict with the people they really want to be.

6/10 just two kids who are being led astray by authority figures trying to learn to be themselves.

Cody and Collin (Submitted by @gatortavern)

They both like vests.

Both beholden to blood thirsty predators

Collin is a journalist, Cody is a vampire/leader of the shadow government. It’s a huge power move on Cody’s part to hang out with Collin.

Cody’s support of his friends is enthusiastic while Collin would have you believe Suzy has kidnapped him.

4/10 they hang out for a reason but those reasons have yet to be fully developed

Isabel and Max (submitted by @Paranatural-goofiness)

They’re both people who have learned to put up walls to keep people out. Isabel through violence and intimidation, max through sarcasm and mockery. T

he other side of this is their mutual journey to let their walls down and connect with other people more genuinely, starting with each other.

Their search for acceptance and identity has led them both to become incredible athletes. Spectral fist martial arts = shred eagle stunts

As we saw in the hit ball game, Izzy faces things head on while Max is all about evasion. However we’ve seen how Izzy has actually learned to be evasive and guarded about her feelings while Max is a little more forthcoming.

8/10  Never has there been faster friends.

Isaac and Cody (submitted by Rubyya)

Drama kings

Isaac wants the likability Cody has.

Parallels of power: Isaac with power he didn't choose and cant control vs. Cody who also didn’t choose to have his power (elected), but wields it like an instrument.

Involuntary anime hair and involuntary glowing monster eyes

These two definitely both fall under the category of “lawful”.

I can see these two ending up on opposite sides of a conflict because they both have such rigid personal codes and an intense sense of duty.

I know I’ve been approaching almost all of these platonically but Isaac probably really wants a cool vampire boyfriend deep down

 7/10 Unstoppable force, meet immovable object. You two should watch anime together.

Hijack and PJ (submitted by @gatortavern)

They both wanna join the activity club so bad

Both have immature ideas about heroism and villainy. 

Both aspire to heroism while at the same time understanding that they aren't that yet and maybe never will be. 

They both, like many people in this comic, wanna be friends with max.  

5/10 Two supernatural babies who should play wii sports together

Stephen and Isaac (@Gatortavern)

Two boys who are easily overwhelmed

Lawful vs. chaotic

Isaac has enough secrets to give Stephen his conspiracy fix for a long time. 

In their own ways they both just want everything out in the open. 

Isaac is Stephen's dream, someone actually living a secret double life, and Stephen is Issac's dream, someone with a cool scar who would think he’s actually very interesting. 

5/10 these two are both very intense in their own way.

Johnny and Ed (Submitted by @theevilbrainman)

Two souls lost in the wind

Two people for whom friendship and loyalty is central to their character, and they’re both struggling with personal growth because of it. Johnny is afraid to change because his friends have always liked the person he already is, and Ed is struggling to even define himself outside of Isabel, the person he cares about the most. 

Both impulsive and uninhibited. 

They both live lives free from expectation. Johnny’s wild bully persona means no one is surprised by his antics or cruelty, while Grandpa Guerra doesn't really care if Ed takes up phantom fist like Isabel. He actually calls him a freeloader. Not having much expected of you can feel free but it’s also lonely and can warp your self-perception. 

6/10 these two crossed paths at exactly the right time.

I didn't cover every submission because even though only 9 people submitted you sent in 34 ships between you. Pnat’s fanbase is small but very dedicated. 

Honorable mentions: 

Johnny and clear sinuses, submitted by @gaul-the-unmitigated

Isaac and therapy, submitted by both @squidgeons and @somethingfishysgoingon

PJ and Johnny, submitted by @gatortavern, who seems to be under the impression that Johnny Would protect PJ and not destroy him just by breathing near him.

Day and Scabs, submitted by @gatortavern, because funny.

Special thanks to everyone who sent in ship between people who have never interacted in cannon, which was a lot of you. My eyes are opened now, so many possibilities.