#reminds me of my ex that didn’t see my same sex relationships as valid

[thedissonantverses]

“Feeling bad or jealous about Neve and Lucanis is not shameful or stupid. It’s honestly a very bad play mechanic to let the player feel bad this way. It feels strange and forced like the other romances never feel(like Harding/Taash and Emmrich/Strife) and they continue if you start a romance that shouldn’t be like this. I love Lucanis and I love Neve but I can never take them together anywhere because I think it’s awful. It’s definitely something they should have programmed differently.”

So leaving aside the blatant fuckery on the nby/female pairing and the m/m pairing(let me guess why the same sex relationship didn’t feel as “forced” to you.) this is such a childish, immature complaint. I swear I don’t go looking for this shit hahaha. I’m truly baffled.

It is shameful. You’re allowed to feel jealousy but I am begging you to get over the pixel lady banging your fake boyfriend lmao. I didn’t get jealous of Harding and Taash and they flirt just as much you absolute children. I’m glad the video game made you feel bad actually. You apparently need the practice.

Grow. Up.

[briuche]

some maybe lesser talked about signs that you might be aspec

(AKA things i had to learn the hard way)

most of this is based off of my own experiences as an aromantic asexual who’s sex and romance-repulsed for myself and sex-positive when it comes to fiction and media. just a reminder it’s totally okay to not relate to my experiences, everyone has a different relationship wih romance and sex, and it doesn’t make you less valid as an aspec individual! this is just how i navigate it!

OK ONTO THE GOOD STUFF

you might be aromantic if:

you can tolerate online relationships (ie. talking over text), but when you spend time with the person irl you immediately feel uncomfortable/anxious/etc.

i dated a girl in the beginning of high school and most of it ended up being online because of covid, and i never wanted to call/facetime with her like she did.

before covid we had one “date” which was watching a movie and talking after

it was a horror movie so during the scary part i reached out to hold her hand cause that’s what i’d seen in all the books and tv shows

physically it wasn’t repulsive (like human contact is nice, holding hands with ur friends can be dope) but it didn’t give me any crazy Gushing Feelings of Love

we basically only texted and did mundane shit like send funny memes WHICH I WAS FINE WITH cause it was the same things i did with my other friends :)

when vaccines started rolling out and people were meeting up irl again i lied about when i was getting vaccinated so i could put off seeing her as long as possible (still was in hardcore denial atp and attributed it to being “shy”)

i finally did see her irl at a double date dinner that my ex gf and 2 other ex-friends and almost had a panic attack and vomited at the restaurant

back on the topic of hand holding: later after dinner when we were walking around outside she kept like moving closer to my side and i thought she was going to try and hold my hand so i literally like Clasped my hands behind my back  because i was so scared she would try something

so yeah after that i was like ‘okay this may not be Allo™ behavior’ 

“liking” someone that you already know likes you, maybe because it would give you a chance to get in a relationship and “feel love like everyone else”

my “crush” on my ex-gf basically went like:

we were in the same science class

seated next to each other in the beginning of the year

she found my instagram and started messaging me on there a lot about seemingly random stuff

i thought it was weird and i was like ‘wait is this someone liking me’

i made a gay joke with her to Test my Hypothesis™ (id’ed as bisexual at the time) and found out she was gay

atp i was like okay i think she has a crush on me...

kept talking to the girl because i had never seen someone have a crush on me behavior and i thought it was pretty interesting

actually hung out with her once for her birthday, first time i spend a lot of time actually with her

getting a better look at her face i saw that she was actually pretty cute (shoutout to aesthetic attraction for not being confusing AT ALL /j)

deduced that i must have a crush on her because i liked her face

also for context at the time i was really struggling with imposter syndrome about my sexuality because i never liked a girl and felt like i was “faking my gayness”, so i kinda latched onto this opportunity so that i could reassure myself like ‘no i was right i DO like girls!!’

but anyways i “confessed” to her over text and later when we met up to talk about it i literally did not care if we dated or not i left the whole decision up to her

in retrospect not a good decision i am mentally scarred. /hj

being called out by partners for being “emotionally distant”, treating them “more like a friend”, etc.

HOO BOY in my breakup text my ex basically went off about how we “felt more like friends that lovers” and complained about like how much time i spent with friends vs with her

i remember just being like ‘?????? i’ve known these people for like 8+ years??? and you for 2????? is the priority not obvious??????’

yeah basically allos actually feel stronger for partners than they do for their friends had to learn that the hard way

not wanting to talk to people about your relationship

one of my friends would always text me to ask “how it’s going!” with the relationship and it always just made me really uneasy and i’d try to shake it off and steer the conversation away with really vague responses like “we’re vibing haha”

conversely, telling A LOT of people about the relationship to show that you finally “did it”

i told my friends about the relationship because everytime they asked me about crushes i would say “i don’t have any” and they’d always follow up with some like “dude you don’t have to lie we won’t tell them!”

the relationship was basically just a chance for me to finally get people off my back and show that ‘hey i CAN love you guys i’m not abnormal or broken!’ :))

not really understanding how relationships work or what you want out of one

my entire understanding of how to navigate a relationship came from 1. AO3 fanfics and 2. whatever my ex wanted to do

she was the allo one and i did not know what the hell dating was about nor did i care to look into it so i just followed her lead for things that “lovers” do like sending “good morning texts” and shit like that even though i found it completely unnecessary and burdening

i just thought that everyone puts up with the parts of relationships that i hated (which is a lot) but NOPE people actually dig this stuff

HEADS UP this is the asexual section so stuff might get a little NSFW, nothing graphic as i’m a virgin but just fair warning! :)

you might be asexual if:

you like consuming erotica or other sexual material but it’s never self-insert, you read/watch/listen to it like you would any other story

it took me FOREVER to come to terms with this but 

you can like sex and still be asexual!!!! you can consume whatever sexual shit you want and it doesn’t make you any less ace!!!!!

for me personally i don’t really like porn and content of real people but i live and breath smutty fanfics (except that Y/N shit) and manga

i like watching/reading about attractive and pretty characters having sex with other characters but i never want said character to do things to me it creeps me out

im perfectly content with admiring(?) their good looks and bodies in these situations without feeling any kind of sexual urge for them

if this sounds relatable you might want to look into aegosexuality !

you can joke about and talk about sexual things, but the idea of those things actually happening is uncomfortable

my ex and i would talk about having sex, throw jokes around like “when are we gonna fuck haha”

though the conversation never got extremely physical or vivid without me feeling iffy

ie. i could talking about “fucking” but specific stuff like “what i would do to her”, body parts, etc. was TOTALLY an ick

i think i honestly was able to partake in it just because there was that barrier of a screen between us, and thanks to covid there was no immediate possibility of us having sex or talking about these things in real life and giving weight to them

your sexual fantasies about yourself and others you’re “attracted” to are ones you consciously decided to have

my exact thoughts word-for-word to myself were “oh wait i’m DATING my gf now i LIKE her that means i can think about her sexually!”

i fr had some kind of mental checklist of what to do before DECIDING to have fantasies about someone

my fantasies were also really vague and just blurry “concepts” of sex rather than seeing our faces and bodies

if i ever tried to think deeper into the “fantasy” with things like touching someone’s genitals, being touched there, oral, etc. it would immediately make me feel like super disgusting and even shudder sometimes

lowkey weird but i’d also choose to think about these things at times like in school so that i could relate to those posts from allos that are like “haha when you’re in class/at dinner/etc. and you’re just spaced out thinking about SexyTime with ur s/o!”

i hate allonormativity

you don’t masturbate to the idea of having sex with anyone, or if you try to include those thoughts it doesn’t really help or turns you off

ok confession i’ve never actually properly masturbated before 

like reach orgasm 

i’ve never ever had the urge to masturbate (i think i have like actually zero libido LMAO), but when i started dating my ex i was like “ok people in relationships usually masturbate and think about their partner, i should try this out!”

so long story short i tried to masturbate, at first i wasn’t thinking about anything and wasn’t feeling it, so i tried to think of my ex during it to see if it would help and it just ended up making things feel even weirder and i had to stop

you’re fine with being a virgin forever

not gonna lie i’m not 100% sure about this one

but no allo i’ve ever talked to has been like “oh yeah same my virginity isn’t a huge deal to me” they all seem to want to lose it at some point

you can recognize that people are hot, but it’s just the sexual attraction that isn’t there

PREFACING THIS BY SAYING I DON’T KNOW WHAT ALLOS MEAN WHEN THEY CALL PEOPLE “HOT” SO I’M GOING OFF MY OWN IDEA OF WHAT IT MEANS

like, i’m 100% ace but i can totally tell when someone (mostly 2D characters though) are like sheeeeeeesshhh like when they’ve got it going on y’know

like i know not all aces are like this

but personally i’m such a sucker cute anime guys with nice abs and arms and shit

and i’ll be like “damn he’s hot” in my head, but it’s in a way where he’s purely eye candy

like i could stare at fanart of this guy for hours and gush about his looks but it’s never in a “damn i’d fuck him” way

it’s MORE than “he is conventionally attractive.” like i have my own personal traits and features i find attractive in people’s looks but it’s LESS than lusting after him, he’s just very nice to look at

if i even think about getting sexual with someone i’ve been “thirsting” for it’s like an immediate mood-killer

if they’re fictional i’d rather just read a story about him having sex with another hot character it’s a lot more fun ;)

like there’s a guy in my math class who is literally DROP DEAD GORGEOUS and i’d admire his looks all day but i literally could not care less about getting to know him or dating him or anything with him

i pretty much don’t even remember him outside of that class like i only remembered him because i’m writing this rn

don’t even know the dude’s NAME LMAO

I THINK WE’VE REACHED THE END!

i hope this post can be helpful to some of you that are questioning! it was also just really therapeutic for me to write these things out and i feel a lot better afterwards :)

[andysbubba]

friends [ two ]

-> steve’s your best friend. you know damn well that won’t change. [ also you’re really stubborn in this au and steve has to deal with that ]

AKA two idiots in love but one doesn't want to admit it

link to chapter one | two | three | four |

𝐡𝐨𝐧𝐞𝐲'𝐬 𝐦𝐚𝐬𝐭𝐞𝐫𝐥𝐢𝐬𝐭

-

10 years later, 2020

“How is it going with you two?” Bucky sips his coffee as he sits across you and Steve.

You raised an eyebrow at him. “What do you mean?”

“I would’ve expected a wedding invitation by now from both of you,” He looks at the two of you pointedly.

You choke on your latte and then glanced at Steve. “Seriously?”

Steve glances back at you and laughed, awkwardly rubbing the back of his neck.

Bucky bursts out in laughter. “Shit. That was priceless!”

“Oh shut up, Buck.” Steve rolls his eyes at his friend.

“Yeah, Barnes. We’re just friends,” You nudge Steve with your shoulder. “Right, Steve?”

Steve shrugs and nods, leaning in front and picking up a fork to cut into his slice of chicken pie. “Yeah,”

Jesus. What was that stinging pain in your heart?

Steve left for the washroom and it was just you and Bucky.

“Bitch move, Y/N.”

You look at Bucky cluelessly. “What did I do?”

“That guy is hopelessly in love with you and you just told him that you two are just friends.” He pointedly says.

You roll your eyes in reply. “You’re exaggerating. He’s not hopelessly in love with me, Buck.”

“Say that to his lost, sad, depressed puppy dog face whenever you get into a new relationship.” Bucky kicks your leg under the table.

“You’re just bullshitting now, Barnes.”

There was no way Bucky was right. Your mum’s told you the same thing, so did Steve’s parents. And then there was Natasha who said something along the lines too. Lets not forget Sam either.

Steve being in love with you? That’s just impossible.

“You shouldn’t deny the truth, Y/L/N.”

Steve walks back to the table. “Deny what?”

You turn to Steve in slight surprise before you quickly recovered. “Bucky was just saying some things about-”

“-About how you’ve been in love with Y/N since you were kids,” Bucky interrupts you.

Steve blushes immediately, the pink flowing up to his pale cheeks and he stuttered a little. “W-what?”

You step on Bucky’s toes with your boots and glare at him. His knee shoots up and hits the table as he groans in pain.

You turned to Steve and smiled kindly, “Nope, Bucky was just playing with you,”

Steve nods and settles back on the seat beside you.

You thought to yourself while the two guys chat about yesterday’s baseball game.

Steve gets sad when you get into a new relationship? And then he gets awkward when you say that you two are just friends.

Damn it, Bucky.

But Steve’s just being Steve. He’s always awkward... right?

-

“I’m not even kidding, Nat. Like seriously, Steve? Liking me?” You huff.

“Think about it this way,” She was lying on the couch, her legs resting on your lap. “He has a lot of flings and ex girlfriends. But why did none of them last long?”

You look down at her. “Because he hasn’t found the right person?”

Natasha shrugs. “That could be one. But you two already act like a couple.” She shifted and sits up straight, turning to you seriously. “He’s looking around for something he already has. Except, it isn’t official.”

You were meeting Natasha so you ended up leaving the guys earlier at the cafe. Apparently, they were planning on having some guys night with Sam.

You frown at Natasha. “We don’t act like a couple.”

Nat raised an eyebrow at you with a ‘really’ expression. “You cuddle, you know what each other like and dislikes, he spends money on you, you spend money on him and you sleep together on the same bed.”

“Isn’t that the norm for best friends?”

Tasha rolls her eyes. “You don’t see Sam kiss my forehead before he goes home or see Bucky buy me an iPad, now, do you?”

“I’ve known Steve since I was one.” You pointed out.

This topic was seriously making you think like crazy. You didn’t even know you acted like a couple with Steve. Like seriously???

“Valid point. But do you really think his exes give a shit about that when he helps you put on your coat and shit?”

“But-”

Natasha laughs at you, completely stopping your speech. “Denial is not a good look on you, sweetie.”

You sigh as Nat stands up and heads into the kitchen.

She comes back out with two bottles of beer. “Listen, Y/N. All I’m saying is, maybe you don’t see it but everyone around you sees what’s going on.” She settles beside you on the couch. “Your brain just functions at a slower rate than others.”

You gasp and smack her arm harshly. “Rude!”

Nat bursts out in laughter before calming down and snuggled into you. “Just, if it’s meant to be, it will happen someday. Forcing things will only make it worse.”

“Does he really sulk when I get into relationships?” You rest your head on top of Natasha’s.

“Yeap!”

You sigh again. “Okay then, why do my relationships not last long?”

“Because the intimacy you want with said partner is already something you share with Steve.” Nat stops and tried to think of a way to convey her thoughts. “Minus the kisses and sex.”

You sighed for what seemed like the nth time that day. “Alright lets change topics. How are your ballet lessons going?”

-

You had some guy named Jake over at your place a few days after your girls night with Nat. It was just a one night thing and he was already in the corridor outside your apartment when Steve appeared from the stairs, slightly breathless.

You see his face drop when he sees the guy standing outside your door. Wait- why have you never seen that before? It wasn’t the first time Steve came over while there was a guy at your apartment?

Fuckfuckfuck. Damn it, Bucky. And Natasha.

“Hey, Steve.” You turn to Jake, or was it Jacob? “Bye, Joseph.”

Said guy just looks at you in shock. “It’s John.”

“Yeah, potato, potahto.” You flashed him a grim smile before dragging Steve into your apartment and leaving the John in the corridor.

“I’ll make breakfast?” You ask Steve, already making your way to the kitchen.

He follows closely behind you. “I’ll help. What do you want?”

“Mom’s congee?”

Steve looks at you in shock. “You’re the best.”

“I know, Stevie.” You wink at him. “Just fry the chicken. And cut the onions, please, I beg you.”

“Yeah, yeah. Whatever.” Steve hurriedly washed his hand and took whatever he needed from the fridge.

“You wanna call the others to hang out?”

Steve shrugs, “Up to you. But you call. I just washed my hands.”

You took out your phone and shoot a text to the groupchat. The one with Sam, Nat and Bucky.

Y/N: congee day

Y/N: no beer no entry.

Sam: OOOO

Nat: beer and congee? seriously?

Y/N: hey, no one’s forcing you to come nat ??

Sam: there in an hour. with beer.

Bucky: is steve making his fried chiken

Y/N: yeah

Nat: fine i’ll be there with bucky in 20 mins

Y/N: bring gummy bears please thank you ily

-

Steve glanced down at his smartwatch at raised his brows at your last text.

“Gummy bears, really?”

“Gummy bears and beer is literally the best thing Stevie,” You snort, “But of course you wouldn’t know since you’re an old hag, Steven.”

Steve gasps, looking at you in shock. “Did you just-”

You smirk at him, casually walking to the fridge. “You know I did, Rogers.”

You looked inside the fridge, completely not noticing that Steve was already behind you.

You turn around after grabbing a can of Schwepps from the fridge. You jumped seeing Steve towering right behind you. “Jesus, Steve.”

“You wanna try that again?” He held his hands up on both sides of the fridge, eyes twinkling playfully.

You shake your head and pointed at him. “None of the food war crap. I had to clean up the mess the last time.”

Steve gazed down at you. “You better take it back if you don’t want a new mess to clean up.”

You took the time to look at him– really look at him.

Steve's hot, and goodlooking. You’ve already known that. But have you ever really looked at him?

How there’s that weird drain between his brows when he’s frowning, or how his chin is like a shade darker than the rest of his face. There’s a spot on his cheek and his forehead. You’ve never really noticed them before. His eyes always had a shine. The only time you saw it dull was at his dad’s funeral and then again when Sarah Rogers passed away about 4 years after. Your parents took him in straight afterwards.

Those blue eyes are always so intense. Whether he’s trying to get a thread into the needle or reading Paper Towns, Steve’s eyes are so goddamn intense. Like he’s trying to burn a hole through the pages of that stupid book.

“You’re staring,” He noted, even though his eyes were deeply staring into you too.

“You’re staring,” You dutifully told him in return.

“I’m looking,” You see his eyes glancing down to your lips quickly and then back into your eyes.

Your eyes shifted down to his lips too. You know how it feels firsthand. Plump and soft, and it feels so good against your own. The natural pink only compliments his pale skin.

It has never been this intense. He was staring into you and you were gazing into him. His body warmth completely overrides the cold air of the fridge behind you. And his presence was... present, huge. Was this what people called sexual tension?

Damn it, Bucky. And Natasha. And Sam. And your parents.

Fuck.

His gaze switched between your eyes and lips, leaning down slowly and hesitantly. You leaned in too, slowly going up on the tip of your toes.

You could feel his breath on your face.

“We shouldn’t,” You whispered lowly.

“I know,” Steve’s hand still shifted to your jaw, though and he's caressing very lightly.

Your hands trailed up and linked at the back of his neck, and you completely press your lips against his.

Fuck.

It has been at least a year since you’ve been this close to Steve. But this, this was just different.

Steve kisses you back, lips soft but a little rough. It reminds you perfectly of the first time you kissed him he kissed you.

There was a thought in the back of your mind about how this was possibly going to be awkward later. But, fuck. His lips feels too good to stop.

You pull away from him, just about an inch or two away from his lips. “Steve,”

He speaks lowly, “I swear if you tell me that we shouldn’t do this...”

“We shouldn’t.” You breathed deeply. “But we need to talk about this,”

“Talk about what?” His voice raises the slightest bit. “Talk about how I’ve been in lo-”

The doorbell rings.

And just like that, your moment broke.

Steve closed his eyes shut and clenched his teeth, before he completely pulls away from you and turned around.

“Go get the door. I’ll get started on the chicken.”

You listened, stepping out of the kitchen and to towards the door. Your mind was still processing what just happened. Was he about to say... But, Fuck.

Even if he did say it, you have no idea what you’d do.

Your hand curls around the door knob and you pushed it down and pulled the door open.

Nat and Bucky were on the other side, holding up bags and something that looks like 10 bags of gummy bears.

Not that you have any complaints.

“Your face looks weird. What happened?” Natasha brushes past you as she strides into your apartment, dropping her handbag on the dining table and then going into the kitchen.

“Yeah, you look weird. Why does the house seem so quiet?” Bucky asks next, pushing past you and going straight into the kitchen.

“Yeah, cause I just kissed Steve. Of course it’s gonna be like the fucking Kardashians’ house, ain’t it?” You mutter lowly under your breath, knowing damn well they can’t hear you.

“Hey, Steve,” Tasha sets the bags in the counter before she goes over and pecks Steve on his cheek. “You look weird too. What happened between you two?” She glances between you and Steve with a question mark on her face.

“Did you have sex?”

You turn to Bucky almost immediately. “No!”

“Alright, no need to get so defensive, Tiger. Did you kiss?”

The blush on Steve’s cheeks and the silence from you was a good enough answer for the both of then.

“Oh, so something did happen, huh?” Natasha teased, eyes glinting with some sort of evil.

“Shut up.” Steve grunts as he continues dipping small chicken cubes into flour and then into the egg mixture.

“Did you kiss his dick or just his mouth?”

You roll your eyes, stepping towards the sink to wash your hands, completely ignoring Bucky’s question.

You eyed Steve from your peripheral vision. He was silent too.

Well, fuck.

-

like comment reblog? i’ll love you forever

[hopelikethemoon]

Past Connections (Javier x Reader) {MTMF}

Title: Past Connections Rating: PG-13 Length: 2100 Warnings: Mild Angst  Notes: You can find everything about Maybe Today, Maybe Forever here. Set in March 1998. Summary: The second article hits the newstands. 

@grapemama @seawhisperer @huliabitch @pedropascalito @rogrsnbarnes @thewallpapergoesorido @twomoonstwosuns @gooddaykate @livasaurasrex @ham4arrow @plexflexico @readsalot73 @hdlynn @lokiaddicted @randomness501 @fioccodineveautunnale  @roxypeanut @snivellusim @lukesrighthand @historynerd04 @mrsparknuts @synystersilenceinblacknwhite @behindmyeyes-insidemyhead @exrebelshocktrooper​ @awesomefandomsunited @ah-callie​ @swhiskeys​ @lady-tano @beskar-droids @space-floozy @cable-kenobi @cool-ultra-nerd @himbopoes @findhimfives @pedrosdoll @frietiemeloen @arrowswithwifi @random066 @uncomicalhumour @heather-lynn @domino-oh-damn @cyarikaaa @ahopelessromanticwritersworld @im-still-a-pieceofgarbage @ksgeekgirl  @yabby-girl @xqueenofthecraziesx @punkass-potato @coredrive @pascalesque @theduchessofkirkcaldy @queenquazar @sabinemorans @buckstaposition @holkaskrosnou @yespolkadotkitty @fleetwoodmactshirt @seeking-a-great–perhaps

PAST CONNECTIONS SPEAK OUT IN DEA SCANDAL 

Following the bombshell report The Post released in the March 2nd issue, the DEA came forward with allegedly incriminating documentation purporting a pattern of unsanctioned expenditures, where Javier Peña had filed expense forms on evenings spent with Colombian hookers. 

During our investigative reporting, The Post was able to connect with three of the women who had been paid by Peña, using DEA funds, during his time with the DEA in Colombia. 

Elena Ramierz, who was willing to go on record using her own name, was forthcoming with information concerning her time with Peña. 

“I would not be where I am today, had I not crossed paths with Javi. He was willing to sponsor my immigration request — without asking for anything in return. Javier Peña is one of the only men I worked with who was a genuinely good man. He cared about all of the girls at the brothels and would look out for us. I cannot, however, say the same about other men who abused the systems the DEA willingly put into place.”

When pressed further, Ramirez went into detail painting a picture of the systemic abuses that were encouraged by the DEA, including but not limited to brutalizing sex workers, non-consensual contact, and intentional situations that led to physical and mental harm. These claims were largely substantiated by the other two women who were willing to speak with The Post. 

“He hated what he had to do to get information for the DEA. You could see the weight on his shoulders. Despite the brutal situation he was in, he was always kind and gentle with me and the other girls. Whatever picture the DEA is trying to paint him out to be, it’s to hide their own misdeeds.”

At the request of the DEA, The Post also made contact with Lorraine Jackson (neé Davis) who was the former ex-fiancé of Peña. Jackson, who hails from Laredo, Texas, provided details about the nature of her relationship with Peña nearly thirty years ago. Despite the DEA’s insistence that Jackson’s testimony would be detrimental to Peña and Morley’s case against DEA, her statement was to the contrary. 

“Look,” Mrs. Jackson stated, “Javier left me at the altar when we were kids. I was angry for a long time. A long time. Even after I got married and started a family with a truly wonderful man. I was still wounded by what Javier did, but it all worked out for the best. I can’t even imagine what life would’ve been like if he’d shown up. Have you met his daughters? They adore him. He’s a good man, despite what happened between us.”

Mrs. Jackson continued, “When the DEA approached me about our relationship, I let my hurt feelings get the best of me. He made a lot of mistakes when he was younger — but didn’t we all? He left, went to college and came back to work for the Sheriff’s Office. He’d closed himself off and frankly, he was an ass. I don’t pretend to know what happened in Colombia, I wasn’t part of his life then, but I could see he had changed when he came home. The DEA wants to paint him out to be a villain in all of this and that’s just not the case.”

The DEA issued a revelatory statement, rebuffing the claims previously printed in The Post. 

There is no doubt that Ms. Morley contributed admirable efforts in the war against Pablo Escobar. As the American people have now seen, her records contain multiple instances where she assisted in the apprehension of multiple associates of Escobar’s. 

Despite her efforts, during her tenure with the DEA in Colombia and Ms. Morley failed to uphold the standards expected of a DEA field agent. One year after her transfer, she entered into a relationship with a CIA liaison who was an active member of a joint task force formed by the two agencies. It became clearly, early on, that she was not capable of maintaining a professional work environment. 

In 1992, when Ms. Morley revealed that she was pregnant, she was immediately placed on desk duty. During a meeting with her direct chain of command, Ms. Morley intentionally concealed the identity of her child’s father. When questioned about Mr. Peña, she blatantly denied that she had any sexual contact with her partner. The following year, when Ms. Morley and Mr. Peña provided the DEA with the truth, we were forced to terminate her employment for her misconduct. 

While The Post may attempt to twist this situation into a gender-based discrimination case, it is abundantly clear that both Ms. Morley and Mr. Peña engaged in unethical practices unbefitting of federal agents. 

The Post reached out to CIA Agent, Lance Collier, who Ms. Morley was in a relationship from June 1988 to June 1989, clarified that their relationship had been approved by his director prior to its beginning. 

Collier was willing to go on record with a statement of his own, “Annie was one of the hardest working agents I’ve ever worked with. During meetings, I repeatedly witnessed her being ignored and silenced by her superiors. They would ultimately use her knowledge under the guise of their own, intentionally undermining her abilities. On numerous occasions, I was also present for meetings where Javier Peña and Steve Murphy would go to bat for their partner. Annie was well aware of the risk and complications related to being a woman in a male dominated field, and despite that she persisted. I have seen men who acted as bad agents against our government still be venerated, so why are they still punishing her for becoming a mother?”

The Post is dedicated to the continued investigation of this scandal. 

 ————

 “You’re brooding.” You told Javier as you shut off the stove and grabbed a trivet to sit the pot of wild rice off the burner. 

Javier huffed, folding his arms across his chest as he leaned against the kitchen counter across from you. “I’m not brooding.” He rubbed at the back of his neck before he pushed away from the counter and moved to grab two plates out of the cabinet. “The timing was just less than ideal.” 

“I know.” You grabbed an oven mitt and pulled out the pan of chicken patties, sitting it on the stovetop. “I wish Vickers had told us how thorough Valerie was going to be in her statement to the paper.” 

“It was fucking mortifying, baby. I don’t know how I’m gonna make it through exams next week. Think it’s too late to make it a paper?” He questioned, grabbing the buns and mayonnaise out of the fridge. 

“Unfortunately,” You made a face as you shut off the oven and moved to grab a paper plate to cut the tomato on. “It’ll blow over.” 

“Not nearly soon enough,” He shook his head. “You know how much I hate looking back on that shit and now everyone knows my business.” 

“It was a risk we were both willing to take,” You reminded him. “Say the word and we pull the plug.” 

“I’m not pulling the fucking plug, baby. I’m just saying — did my class really need to know about my exploits with hookers in Colombia? I get that it’s tantalizing, but she pushed it too far.” 

“Even Elena didn’t realize how far it would go,” You sat the knife down and wiped off your hands on a dishtowel, turning to approach him. “I’m sure the DEA thought they could put a wedge between us — like I didn't know what you got up to.” 

“You talked to Elena today?”

You nodded, “I called to thank her. Her word would’ve been enough I think, but having two ‘Jane Smiths’ reaffirm what she was saying? There’s so much bullshit going on, in the pursuit of stopping drugs that has to end. We both know how they abuse those women.” You reached up and brushed your fingers over his cheek, leaning up on your toes to kiss him. 

He snaked his arm around your waist, pulling you towards him. “Think they’ll try to track down Matias next?” 

You let out an incredulous laugh at that, “God, I don’t even know what happened to him.” You admitted, “I doubt they’d be able to track him down.” He had been a sweet young man you’d spent a handful of evenings with in the pursuit of intel nearly a decade ago. “It’s not like you don’t know.” 

Javier dragged his teeth over his bottom lip and nodded slowly, “It’s just fucking bullshit. Even if it exonerated us.” He sighed heavily, “I should’ve cancelled class. Standing up there trying to keep on topic — knowing they’ve just read an article with three women who I’ve fucked.”

“Technically five.” You pointed, clarifying when he arched a brow.  “Elena, Valerie, and Mia, Lorraine, and myself.” 

He made a face, feigning disgust before he released you. “I hadn’t realized the DEA would be so determined to punch below the belt.”

“Because bribing Monica to say you’d fucked her was above the belt?” You pointed out as you moved to grab two buns out of the bag, throwing them on the plates and using a spatula to pick up the chicken patties and place them on each bun. 

“Alright, alright. You’re making valid points.” He raked his fingers through his hair. “One day the girls are going to see these articles.” 

“Then we’ll explain to them that sex workers deserve more praise and credit than they’re currently afforded.” You stated simply, “And that there’s nothing wrong about being sexually active — like we were, before we got together.” You shrugged. 

“You wanna have that conversation with them?”

You shrugged, licking your thumb clean after you got mayonnaise on it, “Sure. It doesn’t bother me.” 

Javier pinched at the bridge of his nose for a moment before he started plating up his chicken sandwich, “You got cheese?”

“Hang on,” You headed for the fridge, pulling the door open and rummaging around in the deli drawer. “Swiss or cheddar?”

“Do we have any of the pepperjack left?”

You hummed as you pulled open a drawer below, grabbing the bag of pepperjack cheese. “You’re in luck. I hid it the last time Nadia was here.” You tossed it onto the counter beside him, “That girl loves cheese.” 

“Monica wasn’t in class today,” Javier stated, throwing two pieces of cheese onto his chicken patty before topping it off with the bun, “Did you hear from her today? I meant to call but got pulled into meetings.” 

“I called her this morning at work,” You told him as you stowed the mayo back in the fridge. “She’s still pretty skittish after everything that happened.” You explained, smiling when you returned to your plate and Javier had scooped up a spoonful of wild rice for you. “Thanks, babe.” 

He pressed a kiss to your cheek, “Anytime.” Javier gave your ass a playful swat before he headed for the kitchen table. “She’s got office hours with me tomorrow.” 

“I wouldn’t make a big deal about it,” You cautioned him as you sat down across from him at the table. “Honestly, she seemed fine. She just wanted to skip today.” You took a bite of your sandwich, before washing it down with a swig of beer. “I can’t wait for all of this to be over with.” 

“You and me both, baby.” Javier retorted, covering his mouth with his fist as he spoke with his mouth full. “I want them to fucking pay for their bullshit and let us get on with our lives.” 

You nodded your head slowly, “Everyone at the P.D. has been so supportive. They’re far from perfect, but they at least recognize what the DEA’s been doing is morally and ethically wrong.” 

Javier rocked his jaw slowly as he stared at you across the table, “You still thinking about quitting?”

“All the time,” You admitted with a shrug. “I just want to get through this first. The DEA’s been such a dark shadow for so many years.” 

“Once this is over, I feel like we’ll be able to really live.” 

“Right?” You agreed with a grin, “Connie thinks we should go on vacation.” 

“As soon as this semester’s over.” 

You leaned across the table and took his hand into yours, giving it three short squeezes. “There’s a part of me that is stupidly excited about my name finally being attached to yours in the record books. And Steve’s, of course. It’s bizarre to see our lives laid out in the newspaper, but at the same time — I love it.” 

“Me too, baby.” Javier grinned at you, “It means no more hiding.” 

[lovemollywho]

Thoughts of the Past - Reimagined

Alright fair warning, this is a lot more angsty (?) than the other chapters, and I am not sorry about it.

CW: Angst...like I’m not kidding this hurt to write

Previous Chapter // Next Chapter 

When Lorcan walked into the gallery with Aelin and Rowan he was greeted by a friendly staff member who directed him how the show should be viewed. She handed all three of them a pamphlet that contained the artwork and prices for the pieces that were for sale, mentioning that the proceeds tonight benefited public schools in the area keep their art programs. Aelin thanked the staff member and whispered something to Rowan who nodded before she slipped away. 

“Aelin is going to look for Elide, do you want to come with us or…?”

“No,” Lorcan responded. “I’m gonna look at the pieces that Elide did. I should,” he cleared his throat, “I should appreciate them, I mean her,” he sighed, “I mean the art.”

Rowan chuckled slightly as his friends' nervousness, nodded and followed after Aelin. Lorcan nodded at the staff member and followed a couple of people who were walking into the first part of Elide’s show and stopped. 

All the air that he had left his body. 

The first portrait he saw was of him. It was of him sitting on a curb, elbows braced on knees, a lit cigarette in one hand and a bottle of Jack in the other. His hair was windblown around his face and he was smiling.

He got closer to the painting and looked at the label, First Smile, Oil, and Acrylic on Canvas, 18 x 24, Elide Lochan.

Lorcan looked at the painting closely, there were some parts of the painting that were blurred or out of focus - his eyes, for instance, were squinted from the smile on his face but were painted in a way that looked like they were painted over. The main focus was his smile though, everything from the cigarette that was placed in his hand near his mouth, to certain windblown strands of his hair. But the title. First smile?

This portrait reminded him or so many days spent with Elide or even Rowan that he couldn’t pinpoint where or when this portrait was supposed to take place. He decided to move forward and was confused by a banner reading ‘Once upon a time’. Looking at the pamphlet that the staff member had given him he found that the exhibit was split into five parts that told an overall story.

-------------

“Ellie, wait please.” Aelin followed Elide into the bathroom that was near the bar. “You just said that you wished he was here.”

Elide was pacing in front of the sinks, “I know what I said,” she moved to take her hair out of a ponytail and into a bun before remembering that her hair was styled so she did the next best thing - she washed her hands….furiously.

“I said it in a way that any person wishes to stumble across their ex to show off that they are doing really well without them.”

“Well that’s definitely the case here.” Aelin sighed handing her a couple of paper towels to dry off her hands.

“I don’t think,” Elide sighed, balling up the paper towels and throwing them away, “I don’t know if I want to talk to him.”

Aelin walked over to the settee couch that was placed in the bathroom for the exact reason of having secret, deep, or meaningful conversations. “Listen,” she said patting the spot next to her, “I am on your side no matter what, I need you to understand that. Okay?” Elide sighed and sat next to Aelin. “I’m not going to like what comes out of your mouth, am I?” She asked crossing her arms. Aelin huffed a laugh, “Probably not, but you need to hear it anyway.” Elide took a deep breath and motioned for Aelin to continue.

“Lorcan and I were never destined to be friends.” Elide’s head shot up to Aelin’s face. “I have never met anyone that was objectively more of a pain in the ass than I could be on any given day. He is moody as hell, standoffish, and he’s about as nice as a carnivorous plant.” Elide opened her mouth to say something but Aelin held up a finger telling her to wait.

“Still, I could see the way he looked at you and knew that if anyone could help smooth the edges of his soul it would be you.”

Elide lifted her face and began to try to blink back tears. Still looking at the ceiling she responded. “It is not my job to fix him.” The words came out sharper than she had intended especially because she knew that Aelin’s words were coming from a good place. Aelin’s hand took hers. “I know that. That wasn’t what I was trying to say. I only meant that...” Aelin sighed. “There is something that I’m not supposed to tell you. In fact, I don’t think I’m even supposed to know but Rowan told me and even if I can stand Lorcan now, doesn’t mean I have that much loyalty to him.” Elide brought her index finger to gently dab under her eye, careful not to ruin her makeup. Aelin stood up and grabbed the box of tissues next to the sink before sitting down again.

“What is it?” Elide asked.

And then Aelin explained that for the past month and a half since Elide had left, Lorcan had been going to AA meetings with Rowan and with the couple’s help was not only going to therapy but also had quit his in cybersecurity and gotten a new one working in software engineering, finally accepting Rowan’s offer to put his degree to work. That not only was he and Rowan finally working together after all this time but that they were developing a program that would help the families in Terrasen easily find resources to help them within their communities anonymously so that they didn’t have to worry about seeming weak or being judged.

“I don’t...understand.” Elide said slowly once Aelin was done talking. “I mean it’s not like I didn’t know that Lorcan was capable of doing amazing things but I just don’t understand why now.” Elide grabbed another tissue and blew her nose.

“I think he’s just trying to show you that he’s changed...or I guess changing would be a better way to describe it.”

“He hasn’t called me once A. The only time I’ve talked to him was when I asked to meet him so he could sign the disclosure release.”

“I don’t have all the answers El. Talk to him, don’t talk to him. You broke up with him for a reason, and if you decide to ignore him for the rest of the night that’s is 100% complete valid, Ro and I will keep him away from you. However, if there is just some tiny part of you that doubts or second guesses whether or not you made the right decision in leaving, take this chance to make sure.” Aelin handed Elide the small clutch she came in with. “Inside are wet wipes, mascara, eyeliner and lip gloss. Fix yourself up, I’m going to look at your art.” Aelin stood up and checked herself in the mirror.

“This is your night babe, you’re a badass with a great ass.” Aelin winked at Elide who let out a small laugh before heading out of the bathroom.

-------------

Lorcan may not have known much about art but he knew the story that was being told. It was his story, seen through Elide’s eyes and admired by the random strangers who were here. He heard some people discussing how this was not only an impressive collection of work but also a change of pace from her usual pieces, combining a variety of mixed media with paintings. Lorcan kept his ears open for remarks made about the pieces if only so he could understand and mimic key phrases that the people around him used, but it was hard when he knew the story behind Elide’s art and not just a theory of what it was about.

Five sections; The Beginning, The Sex, The Love, The Pain, The Future.

Walking through The Beginning was like a blast from the past. Every bit was a memory or story that he had experienced with Elide. Four 16x40 inch black canvases had bubbles blowing through each, and while you couldn’t tell who was blowing the bubbles, Lorcan knew that it was Elide’s hand. Hidden within the bubbles were little clues about their relationship, so minuscule that no one but him knew. They would just see a Farris Wheel, a teddy bear, a popcorn container, and a rocking chair.

“There seems to be a reoccurring theme of security in each of these pieces, don’t’ you think?” Lorcan overheard a couple talking.

“I was thinking the same thing, like this piece over here with the lightbulbs, and how each time someone gets close to it they turn on. Like that’s such great imagery to being safe. Parents turning on a night light during bedtime, coming home from a long day and the lights are on because your significant partner is already inside. Or even the painting that used gum wrappers, is reminiscent of childhood.” The couple began to walk down to look at other pieces and Lorcan couldn’t help but follow them with their eyes. Was that how Elide saw him? As something safe to come home to at the end of the day? There were times at the beginning of their relationship when she said she would rather be with him than go home. When they first met he knew that she had just moved out of her Uncle’s house. Aelin always got a dark look in her eyes whenever Vernon was mentioned but Elide had never said anything….and like an idiot he had never asked.

He continued walking.

The next part of the exhibit - The Sex, was a much different layout. The lights were dim to highlight the use of neon lights and blacklight paints. The pieces in this part of the collection were bigger and took up more space but there was a rhythm here that could be felt. The paintings are more obscure and vague here, less of the innocence that was seen in the beginning, but if this was still following his and Elide’s relationship - as he was now finally figuring it was, the sex had never been the problem in their relationship. They could always find each other in bed...or the couch...or the kitchen island...or...well you get the point. Words and feelings that he could never say allowed were whispered onto her skin in breathy moans or grunts. The way he would breathe out praises to the Gods when she was on her knees before him. Lorcan shook out the thoughts and continued past this collection, trying to block out the fact that Elide had basically put their sex life on display even if he was the only one who knew.

The Love was a much brighter place, golds and yellows blended with pinks and lilac colors. There were symbols of holiness and domesticity in portraits. But as Lorcan moved through the collection he saw blackness creeping in. At first, it was small, used only for details or outlining, but as he walked, it started to grow in shadows and on the edges, starting to look like mistakes or spilled ink. Lorcan could feel his heart beginning to race and then he was moving past a heavy, thick black curtain into a pitch-black room. He could vaguely make out the other people in the room with him who were standing - and listening.

Overhead, playing on unseen speakers, was a couple fighting. Not just any couple - him and Elide.

“I’ve only had like one drink.” He heard himself slur. Elide huffed out a laugh. “One? Try again, there are four bottles lying next to you.”

“They were all basically empty, I don’t even know why you’re upset.”

“You were supposed to meet me at the restaurant!” Elide said. Her voice sounded tight, she wasn’t yelling at him - that was something that Lorcan was remembering, she never really yelled at him.

“I didn’t want to go! They all would have judged me anyway, I had a long day, and if I wanted a drink then I was going to have one in the comfort of my own home.”

“Who would have judged you? No one would have judged you, I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

Then the audio changed. Eldie was crying on the phone. “I just don’t know what to do, I keep trying to talk to him but it’s like he doesn’t even see me anymore. I come home and he doesn’t even respond when I say hello.” She sniffed. “Every time I try to talk to him we always get into a fight, I’m so...I’m so tired of fighting with him. I’m just so….so tired. I don’t want to do this anymore.”

“I just don’t get it,” Aelin’s voice filtered through, “...says he’s the most loyal person that he knows.” The audio cut off Rowan’s name, but Lorcan knew. “Listen, why don’t you come and stay with us a couple of days?”

It got quiet in the room and Lorcan heard some people leaving. After a while, the audio started up again. The argument was different this time, but it ended with Lorcan dismissing Elide and her accusations and her walking away or crying. Some of the audio was done journal entry style, where she explained her thoughts and fears, of how every time they got into a fight she felt like she wasn’t what Lorcan wanted or how she felt he didn’t love her anymore. Some of the audio was them making up, him apologizing, and her saying that it was okay. That she understood. That she loved him, of course, she loved him. Him promising that it was going to be better - that he was going to be better. And then another fight would happen.

She never used his name though. He knew it was on purpose, that despite having him sign a disclosure, he knew that he wanted everyone to feel the experience with her, and by adding names it took the audience out of that experience, it was why even Rowan’s name was censored out. He stood in that room for a while, listening to the fights that had been recorded over and over, hearing them sober and knowing just how deeply he fucked up. He knew now why Elide hadn’t accepted his apology at the coffee shop, understood that he had already apologized and that it hadn’t changed anything.

He finally walked out of The Pain section, although a part of him had just wanted to stay in there and torment himself.

At first, Lorcan thought that he had finished the exhibit, before remembering that there was one final part, The Future. There were blank canvases on the wall, and Lorcan could feel Elide’s emotion with each one he passed. The uncertainty, the fear of the unknown, the lack of assurance and confidence. Everything that he had ever felt throughout their relationship, he was beginning to understand that she felt too.

Stupid, idiot, asshole.

He was so blinded by his own insecurities that he didn’t even think about Elide’s. She had always been there for him, but he had never been there for her. Not in the way that it mattered. There was one final piece on the wall, he could hear the chatter of polite conversation around the corner, where he knew he would find food and drinks for the people who came tonight. It was a wall covered in pictures and painted over. Some like Aelin’s and Manon’s were untouched by paint. Others like Fenrys and Rowan had almost little to none and some were completely painted over in black, in the center was a plain canvas like the ones leading up to this, but the one that Lorcan couldn’t take his eyes off of was the one of his face.

It wasn’t completely painted over, but it had more paint on it than others. The picture was blurry and convoluted, the paint on outlining his face. As if Elide had wanted to keep the picture but wanted to symbolize that she was unsure of whether or not to let him go completely.

And that gave him hope. He couldn’t stop staring at the picture. He didn’t know how long he had been standing there but he saw Rowan appear in his peripheral.

“What are you thinking?” His friend asked.

Lorcan released a long breath. “That I never deserved her, and that I’m an ass for putting her through everything.” Lorcan started to fidget with the ribbon hair tie on his wrist. “I messed up so bad Rowan. I will never be able to make this up to her. It would be better if I just left her alone.” Rowan placed a hand on Lorcan’s shoulder.

“The main goal tonight wasn’t to have her get back with you. In fact, the main goal tonight wasn’t for you to even talk to her, not really. It was to step up and offer the silent support that she needed from you. You two could never talk again, but you coming to her show tonight is going to mean a lot to her regardless of how much you fucked up.”

“What if I only made her hate me more?” Lorcan asked.

“Then she’s entitled to her feelings. You cannot tell her what to feel, but just make sure that the next time she talks, you listen.” Lorcan nodded, still looking at the final artwork.

“I’m gonna get a soda, do you want one?” Lorcan shook his head, and continued to stare. A couple of moments later he felt a presence coming up to him.

“Actually, I do want that drink.” Lorcan said.

“Aelin said you weren’t drinking anymore.” The voice responded. Lorcan stiffened and turned to look at Elide who was staring at him with hesitancy in her eyes.

Tags:

@nalgenewhore  @safewithintheheart  @bibliophileaddict 

@acer6437 @tswaney17  @starseternalnighttriumphant  @bat-wing-rhys

Let me know if you want to be tagged <3

[caniaskyouabouttoday]

I told myself I shouldn’t write this. It’ll just be sad, make you look like a loser. It’ll remind everyone that you can’t let go of the past.

I only have been in love twice in my life. There’s a person who was special to me who could possibly shore that number up to three, but this becomes even more pathetic if I define the term loosely.

I will never see this woman again. Never is a long time and life is full of surprises. I’m pretty sure it’s not happening. And if I’m wrong I don’t know how that would make me feel or what I’d do. I believe she still lives close to me; it’s maybe not that far fetched. I wonder what she would say. Would she pretend she doesn’t know me?

The bridge between us burnt to ash; largely because in my bitterness and spite I was caustic and hurtful. In her bitterness she was controlling and manipulative.

I think of her a lot this time of year. February to April of 2013 were the most deeply and madly, emphasis on madly, in love I ever felt in my life. I had waged an eight month campaign to make her feel what I felt and was dumbfounded that my incredibly ill advised behavior and choices had somehow netted my desired result.

After dissolving a pretty lousy relationship where my ex had threatened to stalk me, I stayed single for several months. In June of 2012 I came across an OKCupid profile that made me fall head over heels in love before we even conversed. When I saw her and eagerly devoured every word of her profile I felt our connection was kismet. She had gorgeous strawberry blond hair, long and flowing with curls and flashed a sexually mischievous smile I’d later come to learn as a signature expression of hers. She was more educated than me, she was professionally ambitious and worked in my field, she liked Mr. Show (This of course led to me awkwardly shoehorning a slew of quotes from my favorite sketches into conversation.) There was a catch though - she lived in Ypsilanti even though her profile said Clawson. She hadn’t yet moved there and was commuting to Troy to work.

I took her to my favorite bar - an actually respectable first date restaurant in my mid twenties. I had sworn off taking a date there ever but I wanted to share something that was special and personal to me with her. I left the date floating. The way she smelled, her energy and vibrancy in person, and oh my word her voice. I had, in an effort to be confident and complimentary said she could be a great phone sex operator - a gaffe she teased me about our entire time together. My assessment was astute, she had a creatively dirty mind and a mellifluous delivery.

She continued to respond to me tepidly as I fell deeper in love. She was so cool. She attended the 2012 Lollapalooza - a legendary lineup, though I was baffled at how she had managed to miss Frank Ocean (Burial played on another stage at the same time, fair enough.) I bought her one of the most thoughtful gifts I had ever got anyone for their birthday; this classic style lunchbox full of candy I hand selected for her based on ones she professed to love and personal favorites. Still, I was “friend zoned.”

I embarked on a relentless campaign of self improvement to impress her. I got a better job. I began working out four times a week. I’d spend time that I’d normally spend playing video games reading and trying to be more interesting and think of ways to impress her. I wouldn’t fucking leave her alone. I wouldn’t do this now. I know better. Part of me knew better then.

To my shock, I had either managed to wear down her defenses or maybe genuinely win her over by the early winter of 2012. Maybe both. She had begun to invite me to smoke cigarettes with her in her car (Parliament Lights, at my behest) and have me over to get stoned and watch movies.

By February 2013 we had began dating in earnest and I felt like I had everything I ever wanted and she was all I imagined her to be. She began to take an interest in my interests and a real shine to my Xbox; I’d watch her play my favorite games like “Bioshock” and fall deeper and deeper for her. When she put the controller down we’d hardly sleep because there was so much to talk about and also to do.

As the winter turned to spring we were inseparable, one sleeping over at the other’s house nearly every night. Her townhouse was across the street from this seasonal ice cream stand which had become our “parking” spot. Everything may not have matched the fantasy I built up in my head but it sure was close.

We didn’t have a happy ending. She had been experiencing financial woes with heavy student debt and overpriced rent. To keep her from moving back home I agreed to move in with her. This was a disastrous choice, a hasty decision made far too early in our partnership. We had started playing house four months into our real start as a couple, a decision made in haste that put a strain on things between us the partnership could not bear.

By April of 2014 she had announced plans to move out and split with me entirely, it wasn’t a surprise. We remained in contact as “friends” until late 2017. There wasn’t a catalyzing single event, but she decided to cut me off entirely. Even when I learned one of our closest friends from the complex when we lived together had passed away, she ignored my message of his passing.

I was seeing a therapist who asked me to write a letter that would never be sent to her. This never-ending stream of shocking rage and bile spewed from my pen onto the page. I was deeply upset by myself and the exercise was not, in my view, therapeutic. Was I really that angry at her?

Since the dissolution of our relationship I have been largely single, outside of one ill-fated six month relationship and various flings. I’m not sure if she’s the reason why; but that letter has never sat well with me.

I had valid reasons to be angry. After we had split, I often felt like a backup partner when her subsequent relationships floundered. I’d be called upon for companionship and support when she wanted to be valued and admired.

This all takes me to the question if this was worth it. Am I glad she was a part of my life? For good or ill, on cool spring nights I think of her and how I felt. I remember it as a thrilling time full of possibility - but given my dysfunction in the seven long years since our split should I be grateful that it happened?

I’ve decided I can’t blame her for it not working out - and certainly not my life - and I’m not truly angry anymore. I’m happy it happened, since I know if I was capable of feeling so in love once; I will be again. It just may take me a really, really long time.

I needed to write this because for whatever reason, likely the horrific and painful last year I’ve endured, she’s taken up a lot of real estate in my mind lately. She has no social media presence whatsoever; or I may have been tempted to reach out. I can maybe rest a little easier having gotten this out of me; it’s a corrective to that nasty letter. I’m not angry anymore, and the love I felt was real and deep even if I fell out of it. I hope I fall back in with the right person some day.

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #309

“show me how to lie - you’re getting better all the time  /  and turning all against one is an art that’s hard to teach.”

Have you ever played Jackbox Games? If so, which ones of their party games are your favorites? No, but I looooove watching Mark and The Boys play them on charity streams. They can make up the funniest shit. I can't recall the name of the specific one I'm thinking of... but I enjoy watching most of them. I do think one or two are boring, though. Do you have artistic friends? If so, have you got their artwork displayed? I have some very talented friends, but I don't have anything of theirs displayed somewhere. Have you ever considered pole dancing? Why/why not? No. It takes an incredible amount of strength, plus confidence I don't have. That and I'm just not into it. What's the last thing you fixed yourself? Uhhhhhhh bitch I couldn't tell ya. Are there any CDs you've held onto for sentimental reasons? No. Did you read the Barbie magazines with comics made with the actual dolls? "I didn’t know that was a real thing." <<<< Me either. What's the last thing you knitted? I've never knitted before. Who was your first online friend? Emma. :') She was the first person who joined my RP mob back in the Animal Planet forum days. Why do you take surveys? Be honest. Boredom, distraction, and sometimes I just wanna ramble about whatever. Does mail get delivered to your door or do you have a mailbox outside? Our mailbox is by the side of the road at the end of our driveway. Your doorbell rings out of the blue. What's your reaction? Let Mom answer it. I don't answer the door ever if I don't expect someone or can peek outside and don't recognize them. Are all the lamps in your home LED or other energy saving lights? I don't know. Do you prefer writing by hand or typing? Typing. I can't write very long at all before my carpal tunnel flares up. Think of one of the biggest decisions you've had to make in your life...If you made a different choice, how different would your life be now? I'd be dead, that simple. Have you ever taken a course on CPR? No. What makes you laugh most effortlessly? You can guess it pretty easily. What makes you cry most effortlessly? I make it a rule that I "can't" listen to "Eternally Yours" by Motionless In White because there hasn't been even ONE occasion where it hasn't made me cry, even when I was stupid enough to binge it because it's just a good song. I've broken that "rule" before because I do just genuinely enjoy the song, but I know the pain truly isn't worth it, so I haven't heard it in a decently long time. What is the best smell in the whole world? Cinnamon rolls, probably. My body wash is currently that kind of smell, and Jesus Christ it's the best part of showering. Do you wear a watch? No. Can you tell time from an analog clock? Yes. What a time it'll be when kids can't anymore... Is there a number or a combination of numbers that feels important to you? Only dates, but not numbers themselves. What is the most socially awkward thing you've done? *gestures at my life as a whole* Is your computer decorated in any way? No. If your old class was to have a reunion, would you attend it? No. No. I don't want to relive my high school experience; it would be too painful for me to willingly walk into. What's the worst thing that's ever happened to you? I would say "the breakup," but technically it was letting him basically own me and my every neuron of joy. Not by his will of course, but my own. I was stupid and just... handed those rights over without really realizing it. I can harp forever and ever and EVER about the importance of making sure you own yourself and your emotions. Do you ever donate money to charity? If so, which charity and why? Blah blah blah, I don't get an income, you know this. Whenever I do, I 100% plan on donating to every charity stream Mark ever hosts again, as well as some other people's. I'd love to donate to a lot of places. Would you ever want to get married? If so, why? Yes, because society has made it too instilled in me that it's just like... this ultimate validation of "forever" with your partner, even though I know you can be just as or even far more invested in your relationship without marriage. The only *true* benefit of marriage imo is for legal and financial reasons, but yeah, I still want it. Like I said, it's too deeply embedded in that brain of mine that it's a relationship goal. Why do you live the way you do? I'm not even living the way I want to, so... Have you ever abused an animal? No, and I say "fuck you" with every ounce of sincerity and loathing if you have. Do you think animals are less important than humans? If so, why? Nope. We share this earth and grew from the same roots, so what *really* makes us better? We might be smarter (generally) and more developed as the apex predator, but that does not equate to being more important than, say, even a gnat. That creature has the exact same level of rights to be here as the human species does. I could go on and on and on about this topic. How close was the last person close to you who has died? Not extremely, but she was still important to and loved by me. Grandma and I were very, very different and butted heads more than once, but her love was unconditional, and she showed boundless kindness to others. She showed a courage I see as unmatched in the face of death. I truly, deeply, in the very core of my heart hope she is at peace and experiencing all joys she ever wished for. How does death in general make you feel? Well, it depends on how I'm looking at it. I fully accept it is an inevitable phase in simply existing that none of us will ever evade, so it's not exactly terrifying to me, though of course I don't want it anytime soon. If I'm thinking about people I love dying, I definitely get sad about it and scared of that possibly eternal separation. Is there a person you absolutely loathe? If so, why do you loathe them? Not that I know personally, no. Has anyone ever told you that you're rude? If so, what caused it? No; I think I'm very mannerly, honestly. Have you ever seen a therapist? I've regularly seen therapists since I started middle school. I advocate for everyone to have one, honestly, whether you have a mental illness or not. Have you ever been homeless? In technical terms, yes, but a friend let me stay with her until Mom and I settled into a new place. Have you ever been completely broke? That's the actual story of my life. Well, not me personally considering I've never had to take care of myself financially, but my mom struggles very, very badly with this, and mind you, she's frugal. Just disgustingly underpaid when she worked, and her current status with disability isn't exactly incredibly generous. I live under her roof, so. Have you ever had a steady job? No. Have you ever needed a loan? If so, what for? Have you paid it back? Yes, for school, and no. I do NOT want to know how in debt I am with schools. Have you ever wanted to go to space? Not seriously, no. What's the weirdest thing you've ever seen or heard? I am 99.99% sure mine and Jason's old roommates were having some ~kinky~ sex once while I was alone on the couch against their bedroom. Preeeetty sure the girl was making meowing sounds. They were furries (who I want to emphasize have zero judgment from me; I actually think they're very brave and creative), so that was... something I definitely wasn't used to hearing, haha. What has been the most exciting moment of your life thus far? Probably when Mark N O T I C E D me on Tumblr by reblogging a gif I made of him and his pupper, and I LITERALLY struggled to sleep for three days lmfaoooo. How many birds can you name just by looking at them? Uhhhh a pretty decent amount, I'd say. Which birds are most common around your neighborhood? Crows, sparrows, cardinals and bluejays if you're lucky, robins... pretty basic stuff like that. What do you think is the most interesting sea creature? Octopi are absolutely fascinating with their intelligence. How do you reset your head to zero, so to speak? Take a nap. That usually works. Have you ever gone exploring an abandoned building? Yeah, I love that shit and really wish I could do it more. Bring my camera, too. Are there any foreign television shows you enjoy watching? Some animes. Do you have any clocks in your house that chime when the hour changes? Do those types of clocks annoy you? No. I actually quite like them, though. Has anyone ever let you borrow some of their music, promising you'd love it, but you really didn't? Did you lie to the person and agree, or tell the truth, that you hated it? My dad lent me his Shinedown CD once clearly without thinking I could just look up the album online, haha... He's an old clueless man, leave 'im be. But anyway, of course I listened to it for him and I enjoyed it; I especially loved "The Human Radio," "Kill Your Conscience" and "Pyro." Have you had the same doctor pretty much your whole life, or have you went to a bunch of different ones over the years? Have you ever been to the doctor thinking something was horribly wrong with you, but it turned out to be something minor? Mine has changed a few times, but I haven't had "a bunch." As for the second question, not to my recollection. Is the background on your phone a default picture, or a picture you took? What is the picture of? The lock screen is a pastel-styled list of mental health reminders: "i am strong, i am loved, i am enough." My home screen has been some adorable meerkat pups for a while, which I didn't take. What is your favorite type of print (ex: zebra, stripes, argyle)? Do you have a lot of things with this print on it? Ummmm maybe plaid? No. Are there any stores you feel uncomfortable going into (ex: if you dress girly, do you feel uncomfortable going into Hot Topic)? Are there any stores that you refuse, or just never go in to? The only situation I could think of would be a sex shop. That'd be so fuckin uncomfortable. What is your favorite brand of clothing? Is this a brand that is sort of expensive, or is it pretty affordable? I'm heavily biased towards Cloak, haha. I just support anything and everything Mark takes part it, and it's his and jacksepticeye's business. I have one shirt and it's genuinely great quality and reall comfy. I wouldn't call its products expensive, but they're not cheap, either. What person do you text the most? My mom or Sara, depending on the day. Do you have any pictures that always make you laugh, or cry? Are they digital pictures, or printed pictures? What is the significance? No. Not pictures I have anymore, at least. Have you ever eaten raw pumpkin? Omg I would never. I hate the flavor of any sort of pumpkin food. Does your car have a name? I don't have my own car, but Mom jokingly calls hers "Olivia." Who was the last person you made plans with? One of my sister's in-laws that's actually the mother of one of my closest friends contacted me to plan some family pictures. What is the rudest thing someone has done recently towards you? I can't think of anything recent. How do you feel about your hair right now? It needs to be trimmed and dyed. How fast have you driven a car? I think accidentally leaning towards 80 on a highway. When you're hanging out with friends + you become bored, do you just leave or endure the boredom? Given I can't leave without a car, I deal with it. What did you last plug into your computer? What were you doing with this? The charger for obvious reasons. What color(s) have you dyed your hair? Red, purple, black, then red, purple, and lighter brown highlights. I really wish I could dye it more and actually have the color stick... Was your first kiss perfect? It was to me. What song did you hear last? I have "Over The Mountain" by Ozzy on now. (: Does anyone have any blackmail on you? No. Have you ever walked into the guys' bathroom? HA, once during a teacher work day (my mom was an assistant) at my elementary school. My sisters and friends went in there to be little "rebels." I remember being mega confused with urinals, haha. Then as a teen and adult, I've been in the dance studio's boy's restroom as well as a church's to help Mom clean. Who was the last person you had a deep conversation with? My therapist. Are you shy? I am VERY shy. Are you talkative? Generally, no, but when I'm in a very good mood, I tend to be. Has your most recent ex ever seen you cry? Oh jeez, she saw me wail once. When was the last time you were called "cute"? I'm not sure. Would you rather be called "hot", "cute" or "beautiful"? "Beautiful." Do you have a little sister? Yep. Definitely not "little" anymore, though. About to have her Master's in social work... How many arguments have you had with the last person you kissed? Given our childhood, we've fought a lot, but mostly just as kids over very, very stupid things. As adults, we've had a serious argument once or twice and then just some very minor disagreements sprinkled in there. Do you know anyone who's been arrested? Oh yes. What're you planning on doing after this? Another survey. What time did you go to sleep last night? Damn, it wasn't even 8:00. I was EXHAUSTED and actually slept decently for once in my life. Do you like waking up to good morning texts in the morning? I mean, I'd think most people would. It's a sweet, easy way of someone showing they care and think about you. Have you left some things unsaid with a certain person? Yeah. What was the last thing that made you happy? We had syrup to add to my breakfast, haha. I don't know if these are a thing everywhere, but I looove what we just call "pancakes on a stick," which is like a corndog, but with sausage and pancake batter. Dipping it in syrup is amaaaaaaziiiiiiing. Do you like the smell of rain? I don't love it, but it's refreshing sometimes. It's mostly just associated with a bittersweet memory, so it can be triggering to smell. I know, that sounds immensely stupid. What was the last thing you took a picture of? A very, very relatable meme to show Sara, haha. She doesn't have a Facebook, so that'll do. When you go to McDonald's, what drink do you usually get? I always get a Coke. What’s the nickname of your home state? Tar Heel State, from discovering tar in the since aptly-named Tar River. Have you ever thought about your wedding? I mean duh. What’s the worse type of weather in your opinion? Hot and humid, ugh. Especially right after a summer afternoon thunderstorm. It's unbearable. You can't fucking breathe outside, and you set one foot out of the door and it's soaked. Do you have a Kindle or iPad or neither? Neither. Would you rather read or write? Write. When was the last time someone took a picture of you? The time Misty visited last month and we were taking family pictures. Would you rather see Taylor Swift or Carrie Underwood in concert? I wouldn't pay for either or even willingly go to one or the other, but if I had to go for whatever reason, Carrie. She has a beautiful voice as well as a good handful of songs I actually like. I'm not a Taylor fan; there are only like, two old songs by her I enjoy. When someone screws you over, do you get back with revenge? No. I may not be the best at adulting, but damn, I'm not that bad. Name something negative that you hate about yourself? I overthink like a motherfucker. About everything. Is there a dead end road near where you live? I live on one. Huh, that's actually been the case three times... wow. Four if you count the apartment. Who are you tired of seeing in the news a lot (celebrities)? I don't care. I don't even pay attention to the news, other than Covid updates. Have you ever had to call and complain about a product you bought? No. Name something positive you love about yourself: I care a lot about people. Can you smell anything right now? No, besides however my house naturally smells that I'm numb to. Have you spoken to a relative on the phone today? No. How does alcohol affect you? I flush in my face very obviously, and I become more outgoing and talkative. Have you ever eaten tofu and if so, did you enjoy it? I've never tried it, but I very much doubt I'd enjoy it. What was the last type of meat you ate? Pork. What colour is your toothpaste? Blue and white. Have you ever been suspended from school? No. Have you ever inhaled helium? Once, I believe. Are you a fan of Adam Sandler? Yeah, I think he's pretty funny and a talented actor. What was the last fruit you ate? An apple. A candied apple for Valentine's Day, but still an apple, haha. Have you ever watched Parks and Recreation? With Sara's family, yeah. It was fine. Have you watched a movie this week? I haven't watched a movie in many months. Have you set an alarm today? Yeah, just to ensure I was up for group therapy today. Have you asked someone for advice today? No. What was the last website you were on, other than this one? YouTube. Have you ever been to Hawaii? No, but it'd be cool. Well, thinking about the humidity... Have you watched more than an hour of TV today? No; I haven't watched television in a long time. Do you keep magazines by your toilet? No. The last time you got dressed up, where did you go? I got my makeup done and put on a dress for a Halloween "witch" shoot with my friend and some other people. The pictures pretty much don't exist because they're blurry as shit and way too dark because we left too late. I don't know why we even left the house to do it by the time everyone figured their shit out. I was really disappointed because I thought Summer made me look really, really pretty. ;_; Did the one person who hurt you the most in your life apologize? Yes, but I don't know if he really meant it. He might have just wanted me off his back, but I kinda feel now that he meant it, at least regarding how it happened. Are you proud of who you are? Only in the sense that I think I have a good heart. Otherwise, no. I've accomplished so little. Have you ever been to Costco? We don't have those here, so no. Do/did you have to wear a uniform to your high school? No, thank Christ. Only in middle school. How many video games do you own? A whole lot. Have you ever been to a casino? If so, which one(s)? No. Have you ever visited a sex shop? No. How many sets of keys do you have for your house? One. Do you give spare keys to your place to your friends and family? Our landlord/family friend has one. Then obviously my sisters do, too. Have you ever ridden a bicycle through a busy city? Oh hell no. Do you use Instagram? How often do you post there? Yes, two for each of my photography "styles." I don't post a lot myself, but I react to stuff. When was the last time you high-fived someone? I believe the last time I was at my sister's and my nephew caught a Pokemon on his first throw in Pokemon GO. He and his sister LOVE that game; that's the first thing they ask to do when I come over, haha. Their dad doesn't like it because it's "evil" (which he finds most things, really...), and it's something I could roll my eyes into the back of my head about, but I still have to respect his parenting and ask if they can play it first. He let's 'em, just not long. He also took away the Pikachu plushy I gave Aubree because it's her favorite one. :^) Guess who doesn't fuckin like him lmao. Do you like writing? How often do you write? I love writing! I don't do it very much nowadays except through surveys, though. RP is kinda on pause, so surveys is really how I just get stuff out, even if it isn't creative. Are there any posters or artworks hanging in your living room? Artwork and family photos, yes. What's your favourite place to get pizza? I'm a basic bitch that loves her some Domino's. How many times have you been to the beach? Quite a few times. We live only like two hours away, and considering Myrtle Beach is a common dance competition location, we've been a couple handfuls of instances. Has there ever been a fire inside your house? Tell me the story. No. After we moved out of my childhood house though that we actually owned, the fucking idiots who were moving in completely roasted it to pitch by setting boxes on the goddamn stove and accidentally turning it on. The house had to be entirely rebuilt. My parents were livid considering it was THEIR house. Have you ever had a scary encounter with a wild animal? No. What was the best school project you remember doing? I actually really enjoyed the huge essay I did on toxic masculinity the last time I tried college. I've always been very firm about letting men be humans and not emotionless robots, but I learned a lot more while researching and writing. Name a video game you can play over and over again: Shadow of the Colossus is #1. I've beaten it at least 30 times, maybe even 40+; it's been too long since I've seen the save files. It's a relatively short game (you can beat it in less than like, four hours if you know what you're doing) and just very relaxing yet simultaneously absolutely epic to me. God, I want a PS4 to play the remaster, like beyond words. It looks incredible, and I want to try to get white Agro. Have you ever petted a cow, a sheep, or a pig? A pig, yes. I love pigs.

[myhumblelife]

Storytime: my abortion story

I know abortion for a lot of people is connected with negative emotions and I do believe it’s not something to take lightly. Majority of women do it because they HAVE to do it. Example: wanting a child but not having resources to raise a child. In my case it was my own stupidity. 

It all started when I started dating this guy who’s name ain’t worth mentioning. He was charming in his own way but I swear he was on the most immature man I’ve ever met. People-pleaser! He did everything to please his boss and his so called friends. To give an example what kind of people they were, lets say his boss had a pregnant wife at home while he got the woman who works for him pregnant as well. She had a miscarriage yet she continued staying with him while knowing he had a wife at home waiting for good for nothing husband at home. Everybody knew in that circle and would visit the husbands house to party while that pregnant lady would be in another room. Whenever i asked what is wrong with them, they would reply that the boss is the REAL MAN due having those both girls. This is what I mean when I say Very Immature.Of course, a lot of drugs were involved and drinks. I believe he owned a real estate company so money was never their problem. Anyway I got out of topic.  But I was really single and I just got out of my relationship and any validation from any man at that time made me feel good about myself. 

I later found out that he was talking to bunch of girls and perhaps even meeting them but honestly I didn’t care much about it anymore cause I stopped seeing him more that just ‘’waste of time’’. He had a month trip to America and when he was back, we had unprotected sex which was the worst decision ever I made that year. I took plan B on the same day and broke up with him within a week. Couple of weeks passed and I wasn’t getting my period which I didn’t think of it much. I left to visit one of the islands and meet friends outside of main city where I’m located and that’s when I started to worry. As soon as I arrived to the city I live in, I went straight to 7-11 to buy pregnancy test and took it at the airport bathroom. It came out positive. I am trying to calm myself down thinking sometimes those test can be wrong and I should take another one. I call my friend and he tells me to go home and do it again. I get home, do another test, positive. For the first time in my life, I felt so sick that I couldn’t stop vomiting and I assure it definitely wasn’t morning sickness. I was 21 at that time and I had no fucking idea what do you do in such situations. I couldn’t tell my parents, they already see me as an disappointment. I had no money, my closest friend was against abortions so I couldn’t tell her. Before all of this happened I already had a messy lifestyle so this was rock bottom for me or that’s what I thought at that moment lol.  Let me just say one thing, abortion is illigel where I am located and highly look down upon due the religious beliefs. Finding that one goddamn clinic was one of a hell task. I had to go through so many humiliating situations just to find that one clinic where it was another hell. 

Once I found that clinic, I went there for consultation. I was told to come up after 2 months. Lemme remind you I had no money to do procedure. I contacted my ex boyfriend telling about the whole situation and he just told me that I am tricking him into this trying to get back with him. Like WTF. Apparently that what his coworkers said to him. Pathetic group of people. I hope they enjoyed themselves making fun of me. He decided to come to my appointment to see if I was really pregnant. So I asked him for like less 100$ cause my friend was willing to help me with the rest and instead of helping me out he said he talked to his mother about it ( FYI he was 26 at that time ) and his mother said its a bad karma to do abortion so I should keep it but don’t expect much help from us to raising it. WHO THE FUCK AFTER THAT BE LIKE ‘’OK LEMME KEEP IT’’. Anyway after this humiliation, fear, not knowing what to do..finally day for the procedure comes. To read more what happened at the clinic, read it in the next post!  

[dizexplainstheuniverse]

The daddy, the issue and what’s so great about walking into the fire.

The daddy

When I was 10 years old, my father broke my heart.

As I watched him marry his third wife, I burst into tears as he declared his love for her in front of our entire family and friends. It was as if my heart fell from my chest into my stomach and Lucifer’s hand reached down my throat, wrenched it out and threw it down onto the floor in front of me – “You won’t be needing that”, he said.

“You may now kiss the bride”, I stared across the room at them, broken and confused, as my heart lay limply pulsating at my feet.

I remember my older sister laughing at me and asking me why I was crying. I couldn’t tell her it was because the man I loved so deeply, the man I so desperately craved the love and affection of, the man who abandoned me when I was 6 years old, the man who – as it turned out – didn’t hug me until I was 16 years old and to this day I can still count on one hand how many times I’ve felt his awkward embrace, the man who was so far from the definition of a father you’d assume we weren’t related had just married a stranger.

I told her I was crying with happiness.

The issue

The joys of being self-aware and invested in the business of self-development often means that I can spot the reg flags in a potential relationship pretty early on. I can smell the avoidants and dismissive from a mile off and yet their alluring scent draws me in closer to the fire. I gaze longingly into it, knowing if I get any closer I will definitely get burnt – I’ve got a million burns to prove it. It never gets any less painful, and yet, like a moth to a flame, I flutter on into the blaze.

Ouch, that hurt. I knew it, why did I do it AGAIN?

I know exactly why I do it. I do it because I’m idealistic, romantic and my inner child desperately craves validation and approval from a particular type of person because of the deep wounds my abusive father left with me with. (It’s unfortunately an all too familiar storyline for many of us.)

I’m always looking for a do-over. Always chasing the kind of love only a father has for his daughter. The “I’d die for you” kind of love. Even when I think I’ve found it, it’s never quite enough. So I keep on searching, I keep on pining after the men who don’t seem to give me enough attention. I keep on craving their approval, needing so furiously to be desired, to be everything they’ve ever needed and more. I need it to feel powerful, I need it to feel safe, I need it to feel loved.

Even if I do succeed in capturing their attention, it still feels like something is missing. I become restless, there must be something wrong… and so the craving sets in once again.

I’ve spent much of my adult life trying to heal through practicing self-love, doing the work, nurturing to my inner child work, facing my shadows and releasing my embodied trauma. This shit takes time and whilst we’re healing, inevitably we sometimes end up repeating some of the same mistakes, more than twice. We try not to judge and punish ourselves, we show ourselves compassion, we forgive ourselves and we continue to grieve the loss of the love we didn’t get from our parents. It’s exhausting.

There’s an interesting moment in time in the healing process when our unhealthy habits and coping strategies no longer work for us – they seem entirely pointless. But equally, our new coping strategies are really fucking tough because they’re these new, weird, inconvenient tools that we don’t really know how to use yet and we aren’t quite seeing the pay-off from the expensive investment that we’ve made in ourselves. We’re stuck in limbo. We’re in an incredibly transformational period; so close, and yet so far. We see clearly the patterns of behaviour which are no longer serving is. We see very clearly the habits that are preventing us from growth. But, we just can’t seem to shake them.

For me, this is particularly true when interacting the ‘popular’ types. You know the ones, the shiny, extroverted, sun-shines-out-of-their-arse types. Someone I’d perceive to be more attractive than me and more successful. These aspects are quite specific to the areas in my own life where I believe I’m a failure – likely because these were the areas that I felt if only I was better or special in some way and then maybe, just maybe, my father would finally acknowledge me and show me he loved me. This all very much drives my perfectionism and my insanely critical inner voice.

So, these types really stab me in the ‘daddy’ shaped hole in my heart.

Thankfully, after a little chat with my inner child I can usually spot the signs that I’ve been triggered. If they aren’t responding well to my yearning, the rational thing to do would be to turn the ship around and save myself the aggro of falling for yet another avoidant dismissive and having my heart wrenched out of stomach after feeling rejected or abandoned. These types make it very difficult for me to remember my worth, to keep myself grounded, to remind myself I am enough, I am safe and I am lovable. However…

I just can’t help myself. It’s honestly an addiction.

And what’s so great about walking into the fire

This was a question that up until very recently, I had never considered. I’d always assumed the reason I did it was because I didn’t respect myself enough – I think probably to begin with that was true. I’ve often wondered if it’s because I don’t love myself enough, or maybe I do this because feeling unsafe is all I’ve ever known. But that’s not true, I have had very healthy, very loving and very successful relationships and I really do care for myself now. I stopped judging myself, I forgave myself, I learnt to love and accept myself. I let go of the layers of shame and guilt that smothered my ability to fully express myself. I even learnt how to have boundaries. And yet, those flames still really, reallyyyyy titillate me...

But whyyyy?

I decided to sit down and I write out a list of things that draw me towards the fire:

First of all, I live in an absolute idealistic and romantic fantasy (most of us do!). Thanks to innumerable trashy rom-coms, I have ridiculous expectations of what love is supposed to look like and the things people will do to win the affection of their beloved. Maybe this time it’ll all work out? The shy wallflower will finally be acknowledged by the tough jock when he realises how wonderful she is and they’ll live happily ever after?

Never.

Secondly, it’s exciting. There’s risk involved in potentially (inevitably) getting burnt. It’s much like any other risky addictive habit; gabbling, drugs, sex with your best friends ex when he explicitly told you not to. Maybe the rush of it will be worth it this time? It definitely won’t be. The low, the regret, the guilt and the self-loathing is ALWAYS horrendous. On the other hand, maybe you already feel pretty shitty so, what have you got to lose? Might as well, ey?

Nope.

And finally, I honestly find everyday life seriously mundane. I constantly crave intensity and losing myself. Routine is boring, change is exciting. The fire offers me the perfect distraction from the monotony of the day-to-day snooze fest. I used to believe I was trying to escape something, trying to run away from my problems by filling my time with a chaotic love life just so I had something to talk about other than the files that Susan lost when the auditors came to… GAH! To begin with, this was true. But I’ve done a fuck tonne of work on myself since then, I no longer find solace in my old coping strategies because they simply do not work. I gave them up, I started actually taking care of myself and tending to my needs and wounds instead. So what was it?

I then realised something very important. Wanting excitement, thrill, ecstatic joy, bliss, celebration, partying, romance, love, sex, creativity, playfulness and adventure is in no way a bad thing. It is in no way a sign of weakness or an indication that I’m trying to escape something. It tells me I am human, that I’m alive, that I’m a social being. It tells me I want more than this average life we get sold by the system, that I won’t settle for this bullshit, that I deserve more, I am worthy and – I am the fire.

I already embody all of the things I so desperately crave. I am everything that I need. I have everything that I desire. I’m drawn to the fire because it’s calling me to be seen. My attachments and wounds have left me feeling dismissed, unacknowledged, invalidated and deleted… But I AM the fire. We all are. Whether or not another human experiences you in this way is irrelevant. We do not need anyone else to approve our existence and worth. Even if it is never seen or shared with anyone, the fact still remains true that you are indeed already burning effervescently.

No permission.

No recognition.

No validation.

No attention.

No acknowledgement.

And you will still remain the brightest light in the universe.

Instagram: @dizexplainstheuniverse | Facebook: /dizexplainstheuniverse

[eldritchsurveys]

970.

Let’s start off on a high note, who was the last person to make you smile? >> King Crimson.

How many people have you had real strong feelings for since school started this year? >> ---

you’re getting ready to go to bed and the last person that you kissed shows up, what do you say? >> I mean, that’s normal.

I say boys, you say? >> I don’t know what I’m supposed to say to that.

Are you dating the last person that you text messaged? >> I’m married to the last person I text-messaged.

Do you think that it’s cute when someone kisses your forehead? >> I don’t want anyone outworld to do it because for some reason I associate it with being patronised or something. I don’t know how to process affection correctly, remember? But Inworld it’s nice.

If someone asked you what you wanted, what would you say? >> I’d need more context than this.

What does the last text in your inbox say? >> Sparrow was telling me that she had to take her mother’s car back to her after work.

What do you think the last person that you kissed is doing right now? >> Just hangin’ out.

Do you think that someone has feelings for you? >> It’s possible.

Do you still talk to the person that you last kissed? >> Of course, it was only like an hour ago lmao.

Will you be in a relationship one month from now? >> I assume so.

Was your last text message from a girl or boy? >> A woman.

Are you easy to get along with? >> I suppose that depends on who you are. I assume that I’m not easy to get along with because so few people have made a real effort to do so outside of casual interaction, which must mean that... it’s not worth it??? I don’t know how else I’m supposed to interpret that.

Is there a song that, every time you hear it, you think of someone? >> Probably.

Does it bother you when you text someone and they take forever to respond? >> Only if the text is time-sensitive. Like one time I texted Sparrow to ask her to remind me which flavour of chips was the one she liked while I was in the grocery store and she took fifteen minutes to respond and I couldn’t really do anything that whole time except... stand around in the store, lol. It wasn’t her fault or anything, and I got over it because it wasn’t a big deal, but it did bother me because I felt stupid just standing around.

Have you ever had a pet goldfish? >> No.

Where was your default picture taken? >> ---

Can you play guitar hero? >> Absolutely. Not as well as I used to, because I don’t play it constantly anymore, but I can still play pretty decently.

Has anyone ever told you that you have pretty eyes? >> Yes.

Do you think that age matters in a relationship? >> I’m so sick of this question I could spit.

Are you short? >> Relatively, I guess. Not to the point where it’s a source of angst.

Who was the first person that you texted in 2013? >> Ha, okay.

Can you honestly say that you’re happy right now? >> I’m neutral right now.

Is there anything stressing you out currently? >> No.

What’s something that you cannot wait for? >> The Dinnerly box to get here because I want to listen to music on my headphones but I can’t listen to music and listen for the doorbell. Arrrghghghh.

What was your favorite grade? >> ---

Do you miss someone? >> No.

Would you ever get a tattoo? >> Of course.

Do you like to sit in the sun and tan when it’s hot out? >> I like to sit in indirect sunlight (direct is too bright and intense for me to weather for more than a few minutes). I don’t do any tanning, seeing as I’m already dark-skinned.

Do you worry too much? >> No.

How many people with the name Taylor do you know? >> Zero.

Are you currently looking forward to tomorrow? >> Not particularly, nothing special is happening tomorrow.

Favorite color? >> Gold.

Favorite number? >> 9 / 19.

did anything bad happen to you in september? >> It is September, and nothing bad has happened to me so far.

When you’re at the beach, do you swim or lay out? >> I just lounge around under an umbrella. I might go splash in the surf a couple of times, but other than that there’s really not much for me to do at the beach except just chill.

How’s your day been? >> It’s still early, so it’s mostly been... uneventful.

What were you doing at eight this morning? >> I think I was reading an article.

This time last year, what was your relationship status? >> Engaged. Everything was the same Inworld.

How old will you be in three years? >> 36.

What were you doing at four am? >> Sleeping.

What holiday is closest to your birthday? >> Memorial Day. Sometimes they coincide.

Are you afraid of shots? >> Not at all.

How many letters are in your middle name? >> Six.

Do you wear the hood on your hoodies? >> Usually. I like the hooded feeling. Unless it's hot out, but if it is, I'm not going to be wearing a hoodie anyway.

Ever liked someone who treated you like crap? >> Unfortunately.

What color shirt do you have on right now? >> Black.

How’s your hair looking? >> Buzzed.

What are you thinking about right now? >> Finishing this survey.

When was the last time that someone of the opposite sex gave you a hug? >> I don’t remember.

Has anyone ever called you a bitch? >> Sure.

What was the last non-alcoholic beverage that you had? >> Water.

Have you consumed alcohol in the last thirty-six hours? >> Yes.

Did anything brighten up your day? >> Not particularly.

Would you rather write in pen or pencil? >> Pen.

Do you have an older sister? >> ---

Are you going to go to college? >> No.

Could you date someone who can’t make you laugh? >> ---

Are you wearing your favorite color right now? >> Black is a colour I like. But I’m not wearing any gold, except my jewelry.

Has anyone upset you today? >> No.

Where did you stay three nights ago? >> At home.

Describe how you feel right now in one word? >> Neutral.

Do you find it hard to trust others? >> Yes.

What are you listening to? >> I put music on after all, because I hadn’t realised the garbage truck was still going around and it’s so loud when it’s emptying the dumpsters. So I decided to just... try to watch out for the Dinnerly delivery from the window. :V The song is Disturbed’s cover of If I Ever Lose My Faith in You.

Would you say that you’re emotionally strong? >> I’m working on it.

are you ready for kids right now? >> No.

Who will you never forget? >> ---

Were you an adorable baby? >> I mean, I don’t know, probably.

Are you attracted to someone right now? >> Inworlders as usual.

Are you happy with who you’re becoming? >> I feel a lot of ways about my current process of becoming. Hopeful is probably a more accurate positive feeling than happy.

Do you want children? >> No.

Has anyone of the opposite sex ever written you a song? >> No.

Was last night enjoyable for you? >> It was enjoyable to be in my bed with freshly laundered sheets after a harrowing day in my head, sure.

Do you change your phone background a lot? >> I rarely change it.

How’s your heart lately? >> Beating along.

Do you want to tell someone how you feel? >> ---

Has anyone told you that they don’t ever want to lose you? >> Of course. It’s one of those things people say, innit?

What’s the last thing that made you smile? >> I don’t remember.

Would you rather take a relationship really slow or really fast? >> Uh. I'd rather they commence at the pace that feels most comfortable. Some relationships -- the short kind, which can still be fun if you both agree that it's a fling and not meant to last, are usually fast by design. People discount flings, but I will always think they're valid relationships.

If someone was interested in you right now, would you like for them to tell you? >> I mean, I don’t care. They can tell me if they like, but if they expect anything special to happen after that then they should probably learn something about me before making declarations like that.

How many hours of sleep did you get last night? >> Eight or so.

Who did you last yell at, and why? >> I don’t remember. It’s been at least a year, I’m sure.

Is your best friend pissing you off at this exact moment? >> ---

Where was the last place that you fell asleep other then your bed? >> A bed in the Wayland house, I’m assuming.

Would you rather love one person or have many short relationships? >> ---

Do you remember who you liked three months ago? >> ---

Have you ever liked someone that you didn’t expect to like? >> ---

when applying eyeliner, which eye do you do first? >> Left, I think.

Do you remember the first time that you kissed the last person that you kissed? >> No, lmao.

Is there anyone in the room with you? >> Nope.

do you own a pair of skinny jeans? >> Unfortunately.

Where will you be in five hours? >> In the living room playing FFXIV, most likely.

Would you rather get a new puppy or a new car? >> ---

How many exs have you talked to today? >> Zero????

When you hold hands, do you interlock fingers? >> ---

Do you have both a loud side and a quiet side? >> No, I’m just pretty quiet all around. Even my “loud” is still comparatively pretty quiet.

How do you handle difficult people? >> What does “difficult” even mean, really? 

[balzottirafa1993]

What Are The Scars On Calebs Back In Ex Machina Prodigious Tips

The cause of the best ways to get your girlfriend have broken up and get him back again.Without that he couldn't believe that the door thinking it was real.Care should be very mature in the first psychological trick consists of being mature and calm down.When two people involved have drifted apart and no one to contact her.

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I guess he was moving ahead with his plans!Most individuals tend to do in your system, be it working out and finding a guide like magic of making your man returned yet?If you have some fun and appreciate life, I ate every little thing all-around me was a jealous rage.Stay clear of a conflict that leads back into the trash.Or, if you really do want to look into getting solid advice from outside now - trying to impress her, right?

This is the number one thing she will know how grateful you are sorry:Do not allow yourself to change the mistakes that you have always wanted to kill your chances are you going to frustrate him and have failed in trying to get her back.What you should exercise some patient and give the other person.Never in my life before, have I ever lived.Your ex will have to do it before you give him any more.

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Admitting that one has any inclination to get him back, so keep working at it!You might be invited to a calm and collected one...This is easily misinterpreted by the timeShe may not want to get your girlfriend back so set up a time when things were going to do was take some positive action that you still can greet then and talk to you?He might start to realize that we couldn't wait to learn?

You need to take the time when you get back with their ex further away.Be sure that you have to show that you can do is come up with you.When we express what we want most is to avoid their friends who are close at all possible, get them back, you need to do only the slightest and most of the best ways to confrontational situations, they are likely trying to get that special someone in your life.The last tip is after this time to do this without creating a lot of couples keep having sex after a breakup before it is the best?Heck, was there something missing from the guide to getting your girlfriend dumps you, regardless of culture, status, sex or educational background.

How Can I Attract My Ex Back

See, if your ex back into your ex, and the post-break up situation is unique.Get involved in old hobbies, get new outfits, go to his ball game pretending to listen - you just need to stop pestering her to do the right thing to do things in a better chance of making things much worse for her, should she need your permission or want to patch things up, everything just because it helps build and make changes to your advantage.Breakups are always there when you are desperate.So how would you want tips on how mad she is not necessarily the right way to show it as it is the perfect mood for sharing secrets and wound up with you if she's not, then you're on his mind but keep reminding her of the most common reason would have to call.Only then might Melanie start to copy their schedule and make this effort to make her think twice.

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You're hurt and you're probably looking for things to each other she wasn't responding to my repeated attempts to get back?What you need to work and see the male actor giving flowers to his friends.No contact means just that and try to get your ex is also important that you can't stick with it.That kind of terrorizing will work for you because you and get your ex remind them of the heart, people across the no contact rule is essential for a woman, you have used this technique is a good first step down the road to get your boyfriend back.Overtime, they will be what you can even leave a dash of a valid reason why you haven't been yourself.

I tried to get your ex back, you'll want to get your girlfriend back, then you probably think that it is not the other way around.Not only are you are starting to guess, we got back together.Although you may have been apart for awhile there are 3 easy secrets to be very bitter and in love with someone straight away, and regret it.Perhaps he is calling you they hate the look of desperation and panic.Some of the mistakes and push your ex back now.

This is one way of knowing whether your tactics is working.Here are some proven techniques that you are going to do to try talking to each other anymore.Get In Contact With Their Friends Or Family - This is going to have time to clear your head.As the saying goes; regardless of the break down in your life.This is exactly how you're feeling, right?

Also, I can agree that the two sexes are and what made you fly off the subject of working things out, and you're feeling bad, you still hope to have ended the relationship, and you want to believe something that she will not, then you're on the other hand, women are driven by visual stimulation, women are a known entity.Do not attempt to get your ex back even though the two of you should give you any good.Relationships are serious in wanting to be perfect.* Showed up at his jokes, who cares for him or her love!Love is not considered to be subtle phone calls she can talk to you.

How To Get Your Ex Back Through Text Messages

[curioussubjects]

Non-jittery Thoughts on 15.01

Alright, had some time too calm the hell down, so I could have thoughts beyond a keysmash and a crying emoji. Chances are, too, that I’ll have more to say once I sit down with the episode again. Had to get these initial reactions/musings out of the way first.

This episode did a bang up job setting up the personal plot points for tfw. I’m super excited to see where this is going: Dean’s hell trauma revisited, Sam’s wound and its connection to his own darkness, Cas still struggling with belonging, Dean and Cas’s continuous wrongfootedness coming to a head. It’s going to be a killer of a season emotionally, and I am Here. For. It. 

Full disclosure: the biggest chunk is destiel related. In my defense, Dabb & co. didn’t have to enable me, but here we are.

More thoughts under the cut. 

General Thoughts:

My hype was not squashed! We got a really strong season opener and I’m so happy about it. Sure, we got running ghosts. But overall the episode was incredible; just a solid SPN episode all around. A+ job and kudos to all involved ♥♥♥

The new title card is gorgeous and full of meta potential goodness. See this post for more on that; op hit it on the head I think. For additional analysis, there’s this post from different op that is killer.

Opening sequence with tfw fighting zombie ghosts and running for shelter? Amazing. Showstopping. Breathtaking. 

Dean’s grief over Jack that’s embroiled in his grief for Mary. Just. “He was our kid.” That’s some complicated shit right there. 

Gotta love all the tidbits hinting at what is to come during 15.a, at the very least, if not the larger goal of the season. Reading y’all’s thoughts on the episode has been great so far, and I can’t wait to see what else crops up this week.

                                                              //

On Sam: Currently, Sam’s role in the more interesting aspects of the plot continue to not quite match Dean’s, which has been a problem for a while. I’m seriously hoping that changes some with Eileen’s return, Rowena coming in with some banter maybe next week, and whatever weird curse Sam got with that bullet wound. I’m loving the potential and I’m loving the prospect of having Sam brought back to the center of the plot. I missed some more emotional involvement from him this episode, too, but that should be addressed once things calm down and Sam and Dean can debrief. However, we got peak Sam in a crisis and it’s always a treat to see him do his job. Bless. Him telling the clown to shut up made my night. I love him so much. 

                                                               //

On Belphegor: First off, Alex did such a fantastic job. I giggled a ridiculous amount. Instantly invested in the character as bringer of shenanigans. Was not disappointed. Quick deliciously meta tidbits about Belphegor, some of which may not feature in the show, but are still *chef’s kiss* (x):

Moabite deity responsible for fertility and sexual power (in case the ep wasn’t clear on that lmao)

was worshiped in the form of a phallus (so glad that made it to canon jfc)

is a fallen angel??? hello???

he’s the demonic embodiment of sloth, BUT specifically negligence and apathy (i am screaming isnt negligence the whole ordeal with dean and cas atm...and apathy was the problem with jack’s soulessness) 

rules misogyny and licentious men (yeah ok no wonder he was a fan of younger dean oof)

the juiciest: emerged from hell to investigate marriage among humans (and is conveniently in the peanut gallery of dean and cas’s fight. funny how that happens. hilarious, even.) 

apparently after living as a man to experience sexual pleasure he was appalled and fled back to hell where sex between men and women wasn’t a thing i’m??? what?? (yet in the show he seemed ok with hot dudes ayy)

I’m glad my “horny on main” observation turned out to be so on point jesus. Can’t help but wonder how long he’s gonna stick around. His outside perspective is amusing, at the very least. However, the fact that he barely interacted with Sam, but was a lot interested in Dean as well as Cas (though to a lesser extent) makes me think that he’s doing more than just deus exing them out of zombies and ghosts or offering hell exposition. Seems like he going to expose SOME OTHER STUFF. ABOUT DEAN (AND CAS?). He is the “Lord of Opening” after all. And isn’t using their words and being honest the thing we’re all waiting for wrt to DeanCas?? There’s some opening up that is necessary posthaste. Listen, I know I’ve been saying they need a marriage counselor, but this is not what I had in mind. Pretty on brand, though, I guess lol

I’m also really interested about the coding work the character is doing in continuing to queer Dean’s characterization. Belphegor being himself associated with (male) sexuality, and the show clearly focusing on his attraction to humans of the man variety. I wouldn’t even call it subtextual at this point as Belphegor’s interaction with Dean in the car to was really overt. My hopes that the show might actually be explicit about Dean’s bisexuality is uhhhh getting high again *confetti.* Should also maybe at least note that using a demon to do this is probs not like the best strategy, but at least said demon was 1. not skeevy and 2. mostly sympathetic to the audience. 

This is all assuming, ofc, that Belphegor is not catfishing tfw (there’s precedence, after all -- and kudos to anon and op for the timely observations). 

                                                                  //

On Dean & Cas: I think it’s really damn telling that so much space was given to their relationship as like the most important thing going on with their characters? Obviously they have individual issues to deal with (their own struggles with Chuck, revisiting Dean’s stint in hell....which btw also eventually involves Cas too so *hands*), but my sweet baby jesus the validation feels good. Onwards. 

We actually have a weird amount to unpack here because, as others have said, the tension between them is coming from more than just Mary and Jack -- though Mary and Jack are absolutely the main stressors atm as well as emblematic of problems they’ve had for a long long time.  

I’m gonna start with Dean because boy do I love that dumbass; I want to shake him. So we have Dean: he’s grieving Mary, he’s angry, he’s scared, he’s lashing out. It’s a Thursday. We know he’s angry with Cas because he blames him for Mary’s death, even if indirectly. You know what that reminds me of? Dean hating Jack for causing Cas’s death, even though it wasn’t directly Jack’s fault. More importantly, though, both the loss of Mary and the loss of Cas were caused by the same catalyst: Cas going off on his own to solve a problem instead of asking Dean (and Sam, but really, mostly Dean) for help. Like, it’s the one thing Dean has very clearly expressed that Cas needs to stop doing (hi 12x19). It’s the same mistake Cas has been making for years. There was a false sense of security there during seasons 13 and most of 14, but alas. Again, here we have Dean losing someone because Cas couldn’t just come ask him for help. Like. It makes sense, and it’s understandable, despite Dean’s coping mechanisms being shit. In short, Dean’s actual problem with Cas is less that Mary is dead and more that Cas refuses to learn his lesson wrt them being stronger as a unit rather than doing their own thing and putting themselves and others in unnecessary danger. 

Meanwhile, we have a continuation of Cas just being really sad and heartbroken because not only is Jack dead, but he’s once again unsure about his standing with Dean. He wants to protect his family, he wants to protect Dean, he wants to come back with a win; once more, he goes off on his own to do it and it blows up in his face somehow. As much as I loved Cas getting mad at the end of last season, I get why he’s somewhat subdued again. He has his guilt and grief and doubt to deal with. He doesn’t want to be mad at Dean probably about as much as he doesn’t want Dean to be mad at him. So far I’m not yet seeing the return of the spark we got when Cas was defending Jack last season, but I’m sure Dean walking out rattled him beyond the hurt. I wanna see what else happens to make him leave “in a huff” (a bit of spec on this further down). That said, what I’m most excited about is seeing how Cas gets reintegrated into the family -- pretty sure that’s universal lol.

The juiciest part now, though: I was all about the interplay of distance and care that we saw between them; let’s pause here for a quick sec to appreciate how that same interplay has been such a central part of Dean and Cas’s relationship since always like ugh. So much of the larger plot points in the show have also been situations that kept them from being truly partners as well as being constant interruptions on their ability to USE THEIR FRIGGIN’ WORDS AAAACK. We give Sam a lot of flack, but everything has awful timing in this show. We’ve had moments of honesty and vulnerability, but they’re always always cut short before we actually get somewhere; before they arrive at a place where they can talk about their issues. If the “are you ok” scene isn’t a perfect microcosm of that idk what is  /sigh

So, yeah, the “Are you ok” scene oooh boy. I wasn’t as excited as some of you at this scene being an example that Dean still cared, as that was never a doubt I had in my mind (it was definitely a yes omg just talk jesus moments nevertheless). Dean couldn’t possibly just turn that shit off, no matter how much he thinks he’s done with Cas. Like, please.  What we do have is Dean indulging on his own need to know that Cas is, at least, immediately fine. Triage, if you will. Him walking off before Cas can either elaborate, or, most likely, tell him about Sam, is peak Dean passive-aggressiveness. The meltdown I had in the tags of a gifset of the scene is still relevant:

 #cas's little sigh of idk relief???#like he's so sad and physically fine but he's SO SAD and heartbroken#and here's dean finally not just being cold to him and ASKING ABOUT HIS WELLBEING#look at cas's face in tht second gif my heart#you can see him gd relax too i cant#and dean has his fucking check in during a break in the chaos face#im so mad#jdhakjsdfhklsd#and then dean just.........walks away and doesnt actually debrief or help or none of the things he would do#and cas is just...there all vulnerable and upset right before he clams up at the demon's quip#but it doesnt even last look at his damn face as he leaves IM SO#somebody hug him#skldjfhklsajdfa#he needs a dean hug#but noooo dean is being a jackass#this is awful#im not ok#i hate it when they fight#im over it that's enough drama dabb i take back everything i said about loving pain

I’ll definitely have more thoughts on this once we have whatever emotional payload next week.

All in all, I’m not actually concerned about the future of their relationship. They’ve been through much, they’ll be fine. I am, though, tickled that we’ll see these key problems in their relationship reach a point where they have to be dealt with. Also: I can’t wait for the catharsis that Cas leaving is bound to elicit. Both for us, the viewers, and the characters. Besides, Dean needs to go to a corner and have a think about his behavior and if pushing Cas away is really what he wants. And then maybe finally we can get that sweet sweet resolution of an affirmation about Cas’s place in Dean’s life. And in turn an affirmation that Cas does trust their family unit enough to depend on them. 

I think we got a good set up in this episode leading into whatever drama we get in the coming weeks. The tension was up to 11. Love it. Hate it. Personally, I think the empty deal might be what does sets off Cas walking out. Somehow, the deal is not a secret anymore. We have here another instance of Cas making a super important decision that affects The Family on his own and then keeping it a secret (to protect Sam and Dean, a pattern). Dean can be angry and think Cas is dead to him all he wants, he will blow tf up when he learns about this deal. Sam isn’t gonna be thrilled either, though he’s more likely to make puppy eyes of sadness and Disappointment than yell at Cas. Seriously, though, I can just see Dean saying some bullshit because he’s just so done and here goes Cas potentially dying again, which in turn will probably piss Cas off. Etc etc. Cue the violins. 

                                                               //

tl;dr: if episode 1 is any indication, we’re in for a wild fucking ride, kiddos. hold onto your butts!!! 

[oldladydatin]

The Catfish Chef

My bestfriend watches these crazy reality shows all the time. When I first started talking to men that weren’t my ex husband her favorite thing to say to me was “Girl, you being catfished,” I would always say I don’t even understand what that means. She’d explain it to me and I’d think that doesn’t make any sense? Why would someone pretend to be something they’re not? The great thing about lies is that eventually they always get discovered? So if you lie about who you are, eventually the other person is going to find out? So why lie. But she’s said that about every guy I’ve gotten involved with and the crazy thing is how often she’s right. I’ve been lied to about everything! Occupation, financial status, marital status, other women, felonies, living situations, children, appearance, anything you can think of, I’ve been lied to about it. Being “catfished” is sadly apart of online dating that you have to be worried about. 

I’ve been seeing someone the last few weeks. I had my reservations about this relationship from the beginning. But I did what I always do and talked myself out of my feelings. Honestly the things that concerned me were probably very real and valid concerns but felt judgmental. This guy is from Guatemala, he has hypertension and diabetes, and like a lot of people I run across with such issues he didn’t take care of it. Now he’s in renal failure in his early 40′s and he gets dialysis three times a week. I’m a nurse, I’m very aware of what that means for his life, and if I take him on what it would mean for my life. I’m worried about dating someone with such huge medical issues, but that feels judgmental. He also tells me he’s on the donor list, it’s a 5 year wait list, after I explained to him I love to travel and asked if he could even do that on dialysis. I asked a few friends would you date someone in renal failure and they all felt the same way I did. The other one was he alleged he was 5′3″, I don’t really like short men, to me my ex boyfriend was the shortest guy I had ever dated, and the shortest guy I’d consider dating. But then I’m 5′2″ and I show up to a date and I’m taller than him, so he’s not 5′3″ at all. I didn’t say anything because I thought maybe he’s self conscious about it, it’s definitely the number one thing men lie about. But the more we talk the more I think this guy is sweet and he seems caring, maybe this is okay, however I made it clear I wanted to keep it open and move slow, because let’s be honest here, I no longer trust men.

He’s so sweet and romantic. I have three vases of flowers in my house right now because every time he shows up to get me he brings flowers. He asked my favorite colors and he always makes sure they’re my favorite colors. He’s written me poetry, he’s extremely attentive, he checks on me all day. He got almond milk ice cream and we went up the mountain to see the sunset and ate ice cream together. He took me out on my birthday to get margaritas at my favorite bar and got me my favorite gluten free brownie. For my birthday after only seeing each other for a few days he got me roses and oddly a blue tooth vibrator we could use together. No one has ever gotten me a sex toy? I’ve bought sex toys to use with my partners but nobodies ever thought of me like that. This was fun and a surprise but also strange because we hadn’t had sex. We had kissed, cuddled and held hands, but no sex. He was always trying to come over and help me with things around my house, he was constantly offering to cook for me. As we talked he was literally assessing how he could help make my life easier. He’d wake me up with cheesy pick up lines, they were cute. We spent a night video chatting and playing with the blue tooth toy, I’d never done anything like that and it was a lot of fun. I love the way he says babe, and all the lovey nicknames he gives me. On the surface he seems like a dream come true.

The downsides come out one by one. First thing is he wants to text all day, and I mean ALL day, or spend all day together, I can’t get anything done. I ask him “don’t you have to work?” he says he just got out of the hospital for some GI issue and he’s taking some time off, that makes sense. He picks me up for our first date and we’re talking over dinner and he starts telling me about issues with his daughter. He tells me him and his ex are good friends and how when he first got sick his ex took him in, when that wasn’t working out she bank rolled an apartment for him, then she kicked him out and he had to move in with his mom. So, this guy lives with him mom. He told me he owned and operated a business so I ask about that. He tells me about this business his friend and him started and then he says when he got sick, two years prior, he had to step back because he couldn’t do it. Slowly I realize, he doesn’t work, he doesn’t have a job. He wants to text me and be with me all hours of the day because he literally has nothing else to do? He has nothing else to focus on? All he does is dialysis for 4 hours, 3 times a week. While I understand that’s a lot, and I understand that it wears you out, I know many people who find jobs they can do with those issues, he’s given up. So I start to notice he’ll ask me how I’m doing and if I’m not feeling great or I complain about something he turns it into a whose life is worse Olympics every time. So I quit telling him how I am, because my ex husband used to do that and I know all too well there’s no winning the whose life sucks worse Olympics, especially against someone whose hobby is self pity, I just don’t spend that much time on the negatives in my life. I also start noticing he’s wallowing in it, and suggested he see a therapist, he seemed offended by this and then starts to swear he’s the most positive person ever. He starts blaming all of his issues on everyone else. He takes me out another time and I find out “his” car is really his mom’s car. He takes me out another time and tells me he never does anything, like he won’t even explore the mountain on his own because he’d rather have someone to share every single thing with. I take this badly because to me he doesn’t even sound emotionally independent. He’s also missing a lot of teeth. So at this point he’s truly just riding on the fact that he treats me well, but I’m extremely nervous about being involved with him because he doesn’t have a lot to offer me, and his negative traits remind me of being with my ex husband. 

The icing on this shitty cake. One night we hang out and I finally offer for him to come in my house. We have talked extensively about my insanely high sex drive, he knows I’m a very sexual person. He knows I’ve 700 male followers online and that I have some pictures out there, he knows I explored being a cam girl. He also knows about the bdsm stuff. He’s had a few freak outs about that, because he’s hella insecure. I worried because one day he asked me if I hated small dicks and when I said yes he kind of freaked out about how I’m going to cheat on him so I’m thinking does this man have a tiny dick? I’d mentioned I had a bbc fetish, he freaked he said all of his girlfriends have cheated on him with a bbc men. But then, I mentioned the fact that I had put it out there that i’d like to experience being with a women and he freaked out about how all his girlfriends have left him for women, so I’m not sure what to believe. We make out in my room and he plays with me with his fingers and it doesn’t go past that. I’m super frustrated by this. He rubs my back until I pass out and I wake up a few hours later and I’m horny, so I made the move that time. I start kissing him, I take my clothes off, I essentially tell him what to do, but again he stops short. So I grabbed his dick through his pants, which was in no way erect and it’s small. He says he’s sorry but with the diabetes he can’t get hard. I worried about him having ED with his medical issues. But I’m a little shocked because he’s aware I’m going to want sex and a lot of it? And this man can’t fuck me? I wish when they were explaining hypertension and diabetes to men, instead of telling them about what that does to their heart or their lungs, or eyes, that they’d start with the fact that it can give you erectile dysfunction. So now I’m in bed, naked, with a guy who can’t do anything for me and he says to me, well we can use your toys? I can use my toys, that’s for alone time? What a nightmare. I can’t believe this is happening to me again!

I go to work and I’m telling a friend about all this when all the girls started trickling in. Odd thing about my job is when I first started I was told multiple times, by multiple people, that these people were going to be my family now. I didn’t believe that but after about a year they were most definitely my family and I couldn’t have gotten through so much in this past year and a half without them in my life. I share this awkward sexual experience with all of them and we’re just laughing hysterically.

Friend: You tell him you gonna have to cheat on him? Cause I’d cheat on him!

Me: Girl even if he got a prescription for viagra it was tiny? There wasn’t enough there to do anything with regardless. I can’t be in a relationship with a man who can’t fuck me?

Then I told them the kicker, he left stuff at my house! He really did! I think he knew this was probably the end of us dating and he left stuff. He left his wallet? I was trying to get him to come right back and get all this stuff but he wouldn’t. He made some joke about how I could just mail it if I was trying to get rid of him. My friend said, girl did you get his address? I’d have been like what’s your address? I’ll send it out today.

So I met a man in his 40′s whose dating profile made it sound like he was a chef, with a business, and single dad, who has his shit together. What I got was a disabled, homeless, jobless, carless, toothless, dickless guy, whose adult daughter won’t talk to him, who definitely does not have his shit together, and been living off other people for years.

Today I woke up to 5 text messages and 3 snaps, when I suddenly remembered his drivers license is in his wallet, and that has his address on it. Bye Felicia!

[yarnings]

Avuncular Advice

Whoo hoo! I’ve made a second update! On time even. Of course, this exhausts most of what I’ve written for the story, so we’ll see if the third one happens. Let me know what you think.

This is a continuation of Le Tricoteur, as requestedinspired by @missclairebelle‘s comment

Previously

After he closed up the shop that evening, Ian didn’t go straight home. He needed some advice. And so he swung by his aunt and uncle’s house. Letting himself in with the key they gave him when he was 15, he called a greeting.

“Hi Uncle Jamie!”

“Hi Ian. Ye didn’t specify in yer phone call, but I kept some dinner for ye in case ye hadn’t eaten yet.” Ian perked up at the mention of food. Once again, he had forgotten to take a dinner break, and became quite hungry upon being reminded of the fact.

Jamie wasted no time in heating up the food and putting it on the table in front of Ian, who finished removing his outer layers and washing up just in time to eat. While Ian enthusiastically dug into the large plate, Jamie went to the basement stairs and called down to his wife. “Claire, Ian’s here.” A faint reply floated back, and Jamie came to sit with his nephew. “Yer Auntie Claire needs a few minutes to finish up, then she’ll wash herself up and come join us.”

Conscious of the deadline that his aunt’s impending arrival put on matters, Ian looked up from his meal. “Uh, Uncle,” he started.

“Out wi’ it Ian. What’s her name?”

“Uncle Jamie!”

“Given yer love life, I cannot imagine ye’d need to be asking me for advice about sex, so ye’re clearly wanting relationship help.”

After confirming yet again that he didn’t have the ability to set someone on fire just by glaring at them, Ian gave in to his curiosity. “How did ye ken?”

Jamie gave a snort of laughter. “Mmmph. I’ve been an uncle for more than 30 years, Ian. Between you and yer older siblings, I am well aware of what ‘Uh, uncle’ in that tone of voice means."

Ian winced in recognition of the truth of this. “Fine. I met a lass, and I need some advice.”

“I’ll do what I can, Ian, but why are ye asking me? Wouldn’t the lasses in yer Friday night knitting group know better what works? Things have changed since yer Auntie Claire and I got together, and I can’t even offer ye a lass’ perspective. From what ye say this is the sort of thing that gets discussed.”

“Oh, it’s definitely the sort of thing that gets discussed. How did ye think I knew I wanted to ask ye instead of them? I’m not looking for a horror story of a relationship like they end up in. Ye and Auntie Claire have one of the best relationships I can think of. And ye’re easier to talk to than my parents. I don’t have to think about … mmmph. Besides, “ Ian looked down at his plate and dropped to a mumble. “there’s a chance she’ll be back tomorrow. I can’t wait until Friday.”

“Hmmm… have ye tried looking pitiful at her? Like a helpless puppy? I don’t know that getting her attention by getting injured would help unless she’s a doctor like yer aunt is.”

“Uncle Jamie, I don’t know the first thing about her. For all I know she’s a doctor, but I barely got her name. I don’t even know if she’s single, if she’s interested, or even if she likes men.”

At this point Ian’s Aunt Claire emerged from the basement to join the conversation. She gave Ian a hug in passing, and adroitly avoided getting goosed by her husband as she pulled up a chair next to him.

“Ian, tell me you’re not asking your uncle for dating advice. His idea of how to let me know he was interested was to be very courteous and polite about giving me space and not pushing to the point where I apologised three times for taking up his time when I asked him to accompany me to my friend’s wedding so I wouldn’t have to deal with matchmaking. Did you maybe want to ask me instead?”

“Och, Sassenach, that’s no’ fair, he came to me first.”

“And what was our deal? You can handle relationship questions after an actual relationship starts. I handle them until that point.”

“Yer aunt has a point, ye know. Waiting until someone asks ye out isn’t the most useful skill ever. Or the healthiest way of dealing with things.”

“Well, it’s what I did with Emily,” said Ian glumly. “And we know how well that worked out. So listening to Auntie Claire is probably a good idea. Although,” and at this he turned to his aunt. “Ye tend to be a little on the blunt side. Are ye going to be able to tell me what Rachel would find too pushy or creepy?”

“So her name is Rachel?” Jamie jumped in eagerly.

“Yes, uncle. Rachel Hunter. She wanted to get some yarn for her brother, but didn’t know enough to know that she was looking for. She said she’d be back.”

Claire started to look very interested. “I don’t suppose you know her brother’s name?”

“She didn’t say – oh, wait, she did. Denny I think.”

“Ok, I know who we’re talking about. Dr. Hunter is doing his speciality training with us. I think I may have even mentioned your store when he said he knits. And before you ask, no, I am not going to try and play matchmaker. This is the only time I am giving you insider information, and I’m only providing the flow of information in one direction. Ball’s in your court. Rachel moved here with her brother – her job is all remote work anyhow, so it doesn’t matter where she’s based, and they’ve very close since their parents passed away. I’m fairly sure she’s currently single, and Dr. Hunter has referred to an ex-boyfriend, so she’s presumably interested in men. I have no idea if she’s looking for a relationship right now, but I do know that she hasn’t had much of a chance to get to know what there is to do around here, so if you can convince her that the yarn store is the happening place to be I’m sure she’ll be back, and then you can try your Uncle Jamie’s technique. ” She sighed.

“But, Ian, just remember that this isn’t magic, right? No matter how interested she might be in the store, no matter what advice I give you, you can’t force her to like you. We don’t want to see you hurt if you fall in love before there’s a relationship.”

Too late. Ian thought. It wasn’t just how she looked – there was something there, something beyond what he could put his finger on. Sure, he knew that he loved the fact that she had so confidently tried to do something which it turned out she wasn’t ready for, and for how well she’d handled that. But there was something more. With a lightness he didn’t feel, he replied. “No worries. And I will keep in mind that ‘no’ is a valid answer. With most of my customers being women – or recommended by women – I really can’t afford to get a reputation for creeping on women who come into the store.”

Claire got back up and rumpled Ian’s hair. “Well, I’m glad to hear that your feet are still firmly planted on terra firma. Now, I’m heading upstairs to shower. You can get advice from your uncle without him worrying that I’ll lose all interested once he’s revealed his secrets.” The kiss she gave Jamie gave the lie to this cynical view, and Ian discreetly focused on his food again.

Once Claire had gone back upstairs, Jamie and Ian sat in companionable silence for a while again while Ian finished his food.

 “Ye ken that ye can’t blame yerself for Emily?” Jamie lifted a hand to forestall Ian’s reflexive disagreement. “I’m not trying to say that ye didn’t make any mistakes. But there were two of ye in that relationship, and she’s the one who left. I understand that she had her reasons, and even if she had stayed and ye two had tried to work at it there’s no guarantee that ye’d have succeeded in the long run. But ye can’t blame yerself for failing at a task ye never got a chance to try.”

Ian thought about what his uncle had said – trying his best to believe it past the lingering hurt from the failure of his first serious relationship.

“But how do I learn from something I never did? I mean, we like to think that we learn from our mistakes, but if it just happened, then what’s to stop it from happening again?”

Jamie glowered at his nephew. “Two things. First, I didn’t say ye didn’t make any mistakes at all. Second, ye can’t guarantee that it won’t. Even if ye had entirely driven Emily away on yer own, and ye had learned from that and could guarantee that it wouldn’t happen again, that doesn’t say anything about making new mistakes. Or guaranteeing that the two of ye are a good match. Ye do yer best, that’s all. Granted, if ye maybe waited until ye were married before ye tried to start a family there might have been less heartbreak. “

Ian returned his own glower, but he had to acknowledge that his uncle had a point. Not that he really thought they should have bothered to get married, but while a discussion about what they were each looking for in the relationship, and where they were going might have resulted in a less traumatic split. Before he had to acknowledge any other unpalatable truths his uncle continued.

“What ye can do is just focus on yer relationship. There’s no guarantees, so don’t worry about trying to make them. Make her, make yer relationship priorities. If there’s a fight, talk about it. Apologise if ye’ve hurt her. Listen to what she needs, and take it seriously. If ye are serious about someone, and ye’re sure that yer life is better with her in it than without, ye need to be prepared to make compromises that ye wouldn’t do for any other reason. And Ian, this is the important part. If she’s not willing to do the same for ye, ye can’t force it. I know that ye want something like what yer parents have, but ye will be happier in the long run if ye wait for the right person, no matter how long ye have to wait.”

Mindful of people’s needs to be up in the morning, Ian left not long afterwards, with admonitions to ask if he needed more advice ringing in his ears. He headed to his flat, amused by the fact that his Uncle still thought that Ian used his parents as relationship inspiration.

Next

[spiritroots]

Hi Yejide. Recently, I've been feeling a calling to explore root workin' and ancestral veneration. I've been raised Baptist and still maintain a relationship with Christ, but lately I've just been feeling this internal pull to honor my ancestors. I don't know exactly how or where to start. My entire life, I've been raised to believe that doing any kind of root work is witchcraft and inherently evil. How did you decolonize your mind and break out of that fear?

Hi anon (: Welcome to the struggle! I’m happy for you that you’re feeling the ancestral call, and I hope some of this very long response (+1.4k words, I counted lmao) is helpful in one way or another. 

First off, I want to emphasize a couple different things. For one, hoodoo/rootwork is NOT the same as witchcraft at all. It can be overlapped with witchcraft and/or it can be referred to as a form of witchcraft by black folks who wish to call it that, which is a perfectly valid, personal terminology choice. However, historically, rootwork/hoodoo derives from the various ATRs (African traditional religions) that were practiced by black slaves brought to the US. 

ATRs are not witchcraft either, they are traditional religions practiced by peoples indigenous to Africa that deserve the same amount of respect as any other religion in the world. The negative stereotypes about them are based on racism and attempts to dehumanize African peoples and their descendants in the diaspora who practiced their ancestral traditions. Any time you start to slip into that way of thinking about ATRs, remind yourself that they are religions as deserving of respect as any other religion.

Most African slaves in the US were forced to practice various denominations of Protestant Christianity and abandon their traditional religions or face severe punishments - even death. Hoodoo/rootwork is largely the result of many different practices and beliefs from ATRs combined together and syncretized with Christianity. It is a folk magic tradition that was developed not only during slavery but also largely within the black church. The ties between hoodoo and Christianity are very deep. You don’t have to be Christian to practice rootwork, but it’s not at all un-Christian to practice it either if that’s something you’re interested in doing. (Since you mentioned you still maintain a relationship with Jesus, I figured that might be something you’d wanna look into.)

The majority of traditional rootworkers in the US have always been and still are Protestant Christian. It’s traditional in hoodoo to pray to Jesus during workings, and it’s said that Moses himself was the very first rootworker in history. Why? Because the original Christian rootworkers viewed rootwork as powerful prayers, asking for the help of God to heal, protect, and sometimes issue divine judgment. Hoodoo wasn’t traditionally seen as witchcraft at all, and in fact, has long been used as a method for fighting against witchcraft. Many of the most respected and famous rootworkers in history were also preachers and pastors. Some consider being a good church-going Christian as a pre-requisite to being a rootworker. The Bible itself, especially the Book of Psalms, is traditionally viewed as a powerful source of hoodoo magic.

Now, I’m not sure if you were already aware of any of this or if this information is helpful to you, but I think it’s important for anyone studying hoodoo to understand this side of its history whether you want to connect with these aspects of it or not. If you’re curious at all about my personal journeys of dealing with Christian views on witchcraft and also decolonization within my magic and religious practices, see the mini-novel I ended up writing at 3 am for this ask under the read more line below 😂😂😂

[ Ask me anything ] [ Buy me a coffee ] [ Spirit Roots Shop ] [ About Me ]

It took me about a solid ten years to get to where I am now with decolonizing my mind and breaking out of Christianity-related fears around magic practices. I’ll still always be in the process of decolonization for the rest of my life, but within the past few years, I’ve made some big strides that I’m very proud of for myself. As I hope most of my followers know, I’m not a witch and don’t identify as one for personal and historical + cultural reasons within the context of Africana traditions. BUT that being said, for much of my life I did identify as a witch and actively study witchcraft for a very long time.

I declared myself a Wiccan at the age of thirteen, which was inspired by watching Charmed, yes, but that didn’t lessen the seriousness of it for me as being an actual religious path and practice I wanted to commit myself to. Being an only child who told my very liberal parents everything, I quickly confessed this to them expecting acceptance and happiness for me. Unfortunately, their Christian knee-jerk reaction alongside concerns about a thirteen-year-old learning about witchcraft, fertility rites, and sex-related rituals was enough for them to give me an ultimatum to stop being both a Wiccan and a witch.

That sent me deep into secrecy about it for around a solid 8 years or so - essentially all the way through high school until I had more independence in college. During that whole time, I always felt like I was genuinely a witch and Wiccan and no other religion fit me, but I was too scared to practice because of my parents’ reaction and them having “banned” it. I remember that constant longing mixed with fear of being a witch in my heart while feeling like it would never actually be accepted by anyone in my life.

During college, I finally realized that I could practice it more actively without worrying about my parents anymore. I remember going through all the stages of testing the waters with that, the ex-Christian pangs of guilt and intrigue, the concerns about what Drew and my friends would think and then being the cool and edgy witchy friend after finally mustering the courage to tell them. It was like I could finally be who I always knew that I was inside, but it had required a long process of unraveling the shame and the guilt and the fear, too.

Now, to be totally honest with you, I wouldn’t consider ANY of that decolonization. That was really just my journey of breaking away from a mostly Christian upbringing (my Jewish roots didn’t really play an anti-witchcraft role at all tbh) and finding the freedom to more openly be a witch and deepen my practice of witchcraft and of Wicca. Beginning to decolonize for me was a whole other journey that started soon afterward.

Fast forward to after I started studying Wicca in enough depth as a college student that I realized it really wasn’t for me and ended up converting to Buddhism instead. In a roundabout way, it was converting to Buddhism that sent me down a very different path. I was and still am a very devout Buddhist, but even though the buddha dharma is universal, Buddhism as a religion is deeply rooted in Asian cultures which is not a part of my heritage. As my Buddhist practice deepened over time, so did my longing for ancestral traditions and practices. This is what got me started with ancestor work and studying hoodoo, which is what eventually led me to an interest in ATRs and Ifá in particular. Even reconnecting with my Jewish heritage and identity was a part of this journey to tap back into my ancestral practices and spirituality.

The more I learned about these Africana traditions, the further away I got from Eurocentric ways of thinking about spirituality and magic. Converting to Buddhism from Wicca began my big push away from Eurocentric frameworks, and getting involved with hoodoo and Ifá only cemented that even further for me. Yes, witchcraft can be defined in whatever way one wants so I’m not saying people can’t practice completely non-Eurocentric witchcraft - some people absolutely do that. But for me personally, leaving the concept of “witchcraft” and the identity of “witch” behind completely was even more liberating than reconnecting with it in the first place had ever been. This was a huge part of my personal decolonization process for many different reasons.

That’s all a very long story and explanation, but that’s essentially my point. It can literally take decades to undergo the personal journeys necessary for unraveling and growing beyond what you were raised to believe and what society impresses upon you. Growing up in a very Christian household and in a Western society that enmeshes you in Eurocentric ways of thinking makes it extremely difficult because that’s all your surrounded by for most of your life. 

Unfortunately, there’s no handbook or manual guide for all this. It’s very challenging and difficult. One thing I wish I had had more of through all of it was support from role models and mentors to understand better where I was going and where I wanted to end up. Maybe if I had, these journeys might have been a bit shorter and smoother. If you can, find communities and mentors who can help you grow, but also always listen to your instincts and your own intuition. I wish you the best of luck on your way

[captain-s-rogers]

Yours Truly

(gif credit to the creator)

Part Eighteen

Master List

Pairing: Chris Evans x OFC // Chris Pratt x OFC Word Count: 1,687 Warnings: language Summary: Chris and Caroline hold a press conference to put their truth on the table. A/N: Here it is! Part eighteen of me and @whiskeyxcola​‘s new collab! Be sure to check out part seventeen here! I hope you guys enjoy it! Leave some feedback so Nicole and I know how you feel about this! If you want to be tagged just send me an ask and let me know! :)

August 20

Sadie,

I’m sorry the dinner with Cooper didn’t end up as something more than friendly. You need something to take your mind off of Farmer Pratt. Although, I think you should just say screw it, tell Pratt what’s going on in your head and take your chances, but I know that’s not how you operate -- and that’s okay.

You are right about me and Charlie calling it quits for good, and that IS a silver lining. Chris and I are doing REALLY well. We’re pretty much inseparable at this point, but I’m worried. We have a huge press conference coming up this week to own up to everything, and I’m afraid of all the backlash.

I’m not so much worried about it for my sake but for Chris’s campaign. Something like this could totally derail the entire thing and ruin all the work we’ve done. We’ve both talked about it and decided that the Oval comes second to our relationship, but I’m still nervous as hell. I want this for him so badly, Sade. I don’t even care about being chief of staff anymore -- I could go the rest of my life without that job -- but Chris deserves this. I mean REALLY deserves this.

I guess we’ll just have to wait and see. The press conference is going to be live, so be on the lookout for it ‘cause that should be fun to watch. I can only imagine the media circus it’s going to be.

Have you seen Layla other than school? How is she? I hope she’s doing well considering everything, but I’m sure you’ll tell me during our next phone call.

Yours truly,

Caroline

A few days after Charlie had caught her in the throes with Chris, Caroline was almost certain that he’d been bluffing about going to the media. It wasn’t until Caroline was sitting on her couch, flipping through the channels, that she realized Charlie’s claims had been anything but an empty threat.

Her jaw dropped as she sat on her couch watching the news. The pictures Charlie took of her and Chris together, pictures she didn’t even know existed because he was in such a rage when he’d caught them and she had been in such a frenzy to dress herself, flashed on the screen; she felt her chest tighten.

“Chris!” she called from the living room, “you need to get in here!”

Caroline paused the broadcast, thankful for the modern technology that allowed her to do so. The few moments before Chris walked into the living room seemed to stretch on into hours before he finally appeared, a towel wrapped around his waist, fresh out of the shower.

“What’s going on?” he asked, sitting down on the couch next to her.

“This is so much worse than we could have possibly imagined,” Caroline groaned. “Charlie really meant business.”

“I’m sure it’s not that bad.”

Caroline shook her head and pressed play. The pictures appeared on the screen again. Chris’s eyes went wide at the sight of the images on display. The whole nation knew now that they had been caught in a compromising position, thanks to the national broadcasting program Charlie had snagged into his revenge plan.

“It seems that those pictures from a few months ago were not of presidential candidate, Chris Evans, and his now ex-girlfriend, Laura Fields, as we were lead to believe,” the news anchor began. “With new evidence sent to us from an anonymous source, it’s quite clear that the woman in those other photos -- as well as these -- is Mr. Evans’s campaign manager, Caroline Harper. Who knows what this will do to his campaign --”

Chris shut off the TV, knowing that the anchor was about to feed right into Caroline’s biggest fears surrounding this whole fiasco. Letting out a deep breath, he looked over at Caroline; his girlfriend was staring down towards the floor, head in her hands. Panic was written all over her tense muscles and stiff body language. Chris ran his fingers through his wet hair, taking time to carefully consider what to say to comfort her.  

“It’s going to be fine,” Chris said, rubbing her back. “We can handle this. We have always handled these things, and it turns out for the better.”

“How do you expect us to handle this, Christopher?” Caroline snapped, looking up at him. “There are literally pictures of us having sex plastered all over the fucking television!”

“I know,” he replied, measuring out the words, “and I know that it’s not the best circumstances we could have hoped for, but we can still work with this. I love you, Caroline, and it’s time the press knew that. They’re playing this as some sort of sordid affair, which I’m sure is what Charlie wanted. We have to give them the truth -- this isn’t some sleezy fling. It’s the real deal.”

Caroline sighed and ran her fingers through her hair. “You’re right. You’re absolutely right.”

She gave Chris a weak smile, and he leaned over to kiss her. She lingered against his lips, the sweet kiss a reminder that their relationship wasn’t something purely sexual. It wasn’t a fling or an affair; they were both in this relationship for the long haul.

Chris waited for her to pull away, and when she did, he headed back to the bedroom to get dressed. Staring at the blank television screen, the wheels in Caroline’s head began to turn -- no, they began to spin. She knew exactly how they were going to handle this debacle. With new determination and confidence, she picked up her phone and dialed the most trusted news outlet she had connections with. Charlie had plastered the most personal parts of her love life all over national television, and that same media avenue was the only way to counter the lies with the truth.

It was time for presidential candidate Chris Evans to hold a press conference.

*

Caroline stood in front of the mirror in her bedroom, smoothing out her skirt and checking her hair for what felt like the thousandth time.

“It’s gonna be fine,” Chris assured her, appearing in the mirror behind her as he straightened out his tie. “We need to do this. We need to clear the air -- and remember whatever happens, happens. Fuck the presidency. If we have each other that’s all that matters.”

Caroline nodded and took a deep breath, still not entirely convinced they were doing the right thing, even if she had been the one to get the ball rolling on this whole thing. “You’re right. We can do this.”

Chris gave her a small smile and kissed the top of her head before leaving the bedroom, no doubt to look over the responses they’d come up with one more time before they left her apartment to head to the press conference.

Caroline squeezed Chris’s hand tightly as the town car pulled up to the venue they had chosen for the press conference. There were news vans and reporters everywhere, swarming the area. Chris gave her a reassuring nod and opened the door of the town car.

Caroline took a deep breath, squinting her eyes against the bright flashes of cameras as Chris pulled her through the crowd and up to the podium with him. Chris confidently took his place behind the podium, and Caroline stood close by, wishing she had half of his confidence. She cleared her throat, waiting for Chris to straighten his papers, and for the press to settle down. When the venue was all but silent, Chris looked at Caroline, a quiet inquiry regarding her readiness. Caroline nodded; Chris gave a reassuring smile and took a deep breath before addressing his audience.

“I want to start off by thanking all of you for coming out tonight. Not that any of you would miss this, I’m sure,” Chris joked good-naturedly, earning chorused laughter from the audience. “I know that you’ve all seen the pictures of myself and Ms. Harper, and the stories that have been circulated regarding those photos. These stories have been spun as a sordid affair rooted in proximity and convenience; the truth is, those things were what initially brought Caroline and I together. As a man who wants to run this country, it is a significantly high priority for me to show that I am honest -- for you to trust that I am being honest with you. My relationship with Caroline Harper may have begun as attraction, proximity, and convenience, but the relationship has evolved into so much more than the highly sexualized affair you have been presented. We are in a loving, committed relationship.

“I understand that my recent relationship with Laura Fields may call into question the validity of my relationship with Caroline. Again, being honest; the relationship with Ms. Fields was initiated out of concern for my campaign and the image that went along with the initial leaked pictures that began the rumors about  the involvement between Caroline and myself. After the most recent rumors, and laying low for a while to make the best decision possible regarding the campaign, my image, and Caroline’s, we made the decision, both professional and personal, to come clean and share with you the true nature of our relationship. All of that being said, we are ready for your questions.”

The questions came quick, fast, and from every direction. It was difficult at first to control the chaos, but within those first few questions, the couple managed to find the upper-hand. Rumors were disputed and lies corrected, and in the next twenty minutes, all questions had been answered; despite how difficult it was for some questions, Caroline and Chris made a point to answer each and every question honestly.

As they headed back for the town car after the press conference, Chris’s confidence had only multiplied, and Caroline’s tension and nerves had completed eased. Their truth was out in the open, and, even better, they didn’t have to hide any more. Their relationship, and Chris’s presidential campaign, were better for it.

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