myhumblelife

[myhumblelife]

being an ugly multiracial

annoying parts of being a halfie: 

- you dont look white/black/yellow (?) enough

- oh and if you are not attractive, im sorry. I constantly see/hear people’s disappointed whenever I mention im a halfie. its really is heartbreaking

- the worst when people dont even know where your ethnic countries and automatically assume that you should be looking certainly and goes into argument and u just like ‘’ wtf ‘’ 

- omg the worst when you mention that you are multiracial and since you have stronger certain race’s feature...they assume you are being pretensions and suddenly the other part of you is not valid. Lets say you are half caucasian and half asian...you look more asian. suddenly your caucasian side doesn’t even exist in other people’s eyes. 

how to deal with those kind of people? and for god’s sake why do i have to prove myself to those people? 

[myhumblelife]

just a thought

ive been thinking about this...in middle school we studied that every race has their specific features to aid them with their surrounding.Example:  Majority of Asiatic people consist of those who has mongoloid eye shape and it is needed for us to protect our eyes from strong winds or majority. Negroid people  contain more melanin to protect them from the sun. Australoid share those two factors. But then there is white...I was wondering if there’s a reason for how they are the way they are? I guess since the nature didn’t give them any physical attributes to protect themselves, it lead them to compensate for that by downgrading other races LOL But jokes aside, being the mixed raced child with stronger feathers of one particular race..it’s always been hard to fit in in one group and human being are social animals that needs a sense of belonging, it would leave me confused. On the other hand, I would get along easily with other halfies..I guess they also feel the same in a way. Growing up I had the best of both sides so I would not change this for anything else.  

[myhumblelife]

Guilt

why do some people feel more guilty than others? I wish I could change myself to stop feeling guilty constantly. About things I’ve done as a kid, as a grown up..every day I’m haunted with a feeling of guilt even about things that majority of people wouldn't. I’m def ain’t saint but I know I would've done so much better if I didn’t experience guilt. I could've take advantage of everyone and put myself first. People are always fascinated by strong independent people but c’mon we all know they got there because they put their interest first but here I am crying myself to sleep for even having selfish thought. 

And then it develops into shame, constantly judging your morals. ‘’ I am a bad person ‘’ that all I can think of. Assuming that all the bad things that happened to you is universes way to punish and you can’t stop thinking this is all what you deserve. 

where did I go wrong in my life? 

[myhumblelife]

Im feeling terrible for the past two days. I was doing so well, eating well, listening to affirmations, talking to my mom more, i felt good to be me. But last week I suddenly didnt care at all what i was putting in my body. Eating sugar even though I get nauseous from eating sweets. I just kept stuffing my face with anyone as soon as i felt my food has digested. i feel like a huge failure. I dont know how to else express and i cant stop feeling guilty for feeling the way i am cause i am blessed to have all my limbs together and not starving and not living on the streets. But i failed my mom,  i am about to drop out of university cause i just cant simply afford it anymore. and my parents spend so much money on it that they didn't even have. i am tired of living in this country, i feel like im stuck in one time line. and i keep looking for someone to save me because im so tired of being the strong one. im lonely.

[myhumblelife]

I am a mess

Gawd I have issues.I did a mistake yesterday. Went to see a guy on a ‘’date’’ where I end up having sex with him and he took a picture of it. And now i can’t stop feeling troubled about it. 

It made me realize how easy I am. Is there a way to stop it? 

[myhumblelife]

Story time: How I almost got into jail

This is super embarrassing story of mine, please don’t judge: It all started with me deciding to go out by myself. Was having a bad day. I had couple of drinks and I ordered powdery illigel substance that’s used often in night scene. I think I might’ve drank too much but I had a black out. I remember being at the bar, talking to strangers then one moment I was in the car with several people and we get stopped by the police. I sobered up REAL QUICK when that happened. I don’t know what exactly happened but then we were asked to get into police van and we’ve been taken to police station where we had to do urine test which of course came positive with me plus everyone who was in the car. The worst part of this I couldn’t understand what they were saying cause I am a foreigner in this X country. First thing first they took my phone away and went through my chats which I still feel like my rights have been violated but at that moment I couldn’t really complain. We spent 2 hours in  small room where it was so fucking suffocating. They took us to another building and asked us to leave our bag outside and remove our shoes and we’ve been put into small cell where it was separated into female and male section facing each other. It had open toilet and gawd the construction site right next to that building. My ‘’cellmate’’ started apologizing to me for some reason which I still have no idea what for...lemme add I still don’t know who are those people. I of course started crying like I had waterfalls on my face instead of eyeballs. I started to talk to guys on the other side asking what the fuck are we suppose to do now but those dumb asses managed to get their bag of snow and continued their little party in their cell which I didn’t if I should be laughing or crying. All I remember is how much I was missing my mom and how the fuck am I gonna explain this to them. I managed to sleep on the floor for like an hour I think. After several hours they asked us to come out and took us the area that looked like their main office. I was super cold, no shit I think hookers were dressed more appropriate than I am that night. So I had to borrow one of the police man’s jacket. While the other  guys were dealing with their stuff, I’ve been to ask to come out with one police officer and an intern of their who helped me to translate. We got out outside, and the police officer was like ‘’ listen you are a foreigner and a student, you don’t want record plus if they do..you’ll be attending rehab for certain amount of hours and then sent back to your country and banned to come back’’. That moment I almost shit myself. Buuuut he was like ‘’ You are so young I would love to help you, but what can you give me’’ and my dumbass went saying ‘’ my gratitude’’. They like yeah no, lets agree on ****** money. I was so broke and that amount was huuuge for me. I was like shit, they took my phone away and I when I said I need to borrow from someone if you want me to pay that amount. They like monitoring my phone so I wouldn’t tell the reason why I am borrowing that much. Somehow I managed to pay it off which gawd was extremely stressful and I am still paying it off to my friends. The worst, later on the other policeman came up to me telling how pretty i am and asking if i was single. Another asking for my number and telling me to call him baby. i was like ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME!!! But one of them was nice enough to get me a sandwich and soy milk. The most expensive meal I’ve ever had... They asked me not to tell this to anyone but since I haven’t mentioned any names nor even the country, I should be fine right?

 I finally get home around 4-5 pm. But I was happy to get it over and see my mother T.T 

But the story doesn’t end here...to continue please check my next post 

[myhumblelife]

Topic for a story where a guy falls in love with himself but in parallel universe cause he’s everything he wished to be.

[myhumblelife]

Confession

Im 24 and still obsessed with shounen ai and yaoi mangas/animes... is it healthy? All I wanna do is stay home with shit tons of snacks and spend reading fanfics with my favorite pairs or read manga or just watch anime...nothing else interests me. Plus not to mention I definitely have unhealthy expectation of romance due all this...what to do ?

[myhumblelife]

money

I can’t have friends. I love myself a lot and I don’t wish to put myself down cause well I am stuck with myself and there will be no other me..But life is hard. When you not in the right mindset, any kind of relationships are tough on other people. I feel like I always end up disappointing people one way or another, so I just avoid making friends at this point. My fear of hurting them at the end is so big that whenever someone wish to be friends with me, it stresses the fuck out of me so at the end when I’m alone I feel the most at ease. I can’t even talk about romantic relationship. I will be a burden to that person. 

I wish to get out of this cycle but I can’t think of a way to do so at the moment. I’ve been applying for a job for months now, I have one year to go before graduation..money is my biggest problem. All my life, one way or another money was the biggest issue as long as I remember. My parents arguing constantly, fear I can’t pay my university, slowly getting your pocket money decreased. I wish it was opposite as you get older...by the time I was considered young adult, I had no money that I had to even consider prostitution. But I got lucky to meet the people I’ve met through my life so far yet majority of them I had to give up because again money problem. 

I came to conclusion, If you are not financially stable...it’s better to be alone. If you are not around people, there are no temptations. Example: my close friend works and her salary is good, yet I am stuck in university and still have no proper income. Whenever she wants to do something, it always involves spending money which i could not afford. At the end, I think I just became a burden to her and whenever she wished to just come over and chill..made me feel like a charity work.  

I am so tired of feeling desperate and if it’s this hard at my age, I am scared to even imagine what will happen as I’ll get older.

 People who say we will all born equal, are the one who enjoying the whole inequality thing. 

Gawd please just someone hire me, i have so much to offer for gods sake!

[myhumblelife]

What makes America so great..?

As an non-american citizen, I would like to express my annoyance of how much the world revolves around America. EVERY POST, EVERY MOVIE, EVERY NEWS and etc. I found out about election of my country a day before I had to vote and let me say our ex president was in office for 29 years..he was in office longer than I exist! Yet I didn’t stop seeing about american election DAILY since this whole year. I know every single thing that’s happening about in America, like it’s being shoved in my throat. If you watch news, you can notice how much time America gets compare with other countries. During black life matters movement which was extremely important I am not taking this out of historical moment but suddenly everyone stopped talking about any other problems around the world. Suddenly terrorism, world hanger and etc has been disappeared. In my understanding there’s no way to express how much black race suffered due the slavery in American history and how much they still suffer racism with police brutality and etc., but for people who’s fighting for equality, Americans love separating themselves by putting other races down. In Europe’s history there were way more white slaves than black yet all white people had been pronounced Karens and racist. The so spoken freedom seems toxic at this point to it’s own citizen. Example: Covid and the amount of complaints regarding wearing masks. Caring about your safety and people around you should not be a choice, it should be your duty not as some country’s citizen but as by social contract. Due that majority of the countries has been dealing it and many Asian countries haven’t had new cases of Covid for several months...

What made me every more angry is the fact that a friend of mine’s dad got into hospital where he spent past week and nobody still knows whats wrong with him and his son ain’t even surprised..he just said ‘’yeah this is how american hospitals work..yall ain’t even got universal healthcare which means HE IS PAYING FOR THAT!!

So please someone explain me what makes America so great at the moment? Why people are still interested in it? 

[myhumblelife]

Storytime: my abortion story pt.2

So as soon as I arrived to the clinic, first thing I noticed was a girl crying her heart out who wasn’t older than 15 or perhaps even younger. I went to get my ultrasound and went to see the doctor. She told me to sign papers where if something happened to me, they would not be responsible and asked me to turn off my phone and leave it in her office. Then I followed another nurse to several floors above from the main office was and end up in dark room with gym equipments where there was another room and as soon as I entered the locked the door behind which freaked me out. She gave me the painkiller pill that I usually take during my period cramps ( I would’ve never mistaken that pill cause it has unique shape and color ). She asked me to remove my pants and cover it with medical clothe ( idk ) to wrap it around my waist. The waiting part was scary cause there were several nurses and they were super cold towards you. It was my turn and I started panicking, they put me into a chair and held my hands and legs I think doctor came in, I still don’t know if it was a male or female cause I didn’t even got a chance to see her/him. I don’t remember how long it was neither cause I started panicking and crying..I think I accidentally ripped the nurses gloves. As soon as I was done, they gave me a pad to hold around my hooha and asked me to change and prepare to leave. Later the nurse game me birth control and antibiotics, I went to get my phone and left to go to work with terrible cramps.  I didn’t feel guilty or sad, I felt releaved. After several months of living in fear, I finally felt free and the pain didn’t matter at that point. I know a lot of people would judge me for thinking that way but I think unless you are in similar situation, it’s hard to see eye to eye in this case. 

Looking back, I only wished I had better experience with it. Where I would’ve felt safe and not judged in the clinic itself. 

[myhumblelife]

Thoughts: japanese porn

For majority of boys, porn is how they find out about sex. Sex education and the ‘talk’ is not the same as seeing it visually. Porn is easily accessible nowadays to anyone of any age and it can be easily addictive. When you constantly watching porn that involves aggression it slowly alters our mindset into thinking that this is normal especially seeing how both parties in the porn videos are ‘’enjoying’’ it. 

I believe that we watch the porn that relates to us. I think we all have preferences when it comes to appearances. It’s not a secret that majority Asians before their own race same as white have higher preferences to white or black to black cause there is something comforting subconsciously being with someone familiar. The point of this whole rant is my issues with Japanese porn and how Japanese men perceive sex. If you search Japanese porn in Pornhub, the top videos always include non-consensual sex especially men taking advantage of a women. And my concern is if young men learn about sex from porn and non-consensual sex is what they say as most watched video..does it affect on them long term in the future? Do they start seeing it as a normal? I noticed also publicly being harassed in trains and literally being raped ( the concept of the video ) is also something that has been showing up a lot and I remember reading  about  Women only passenger car being made specially due the increasing amount of sexual harassments in trains of Japan.   Plus japanese porn is so degrading towards women. I mean majority of porn is but since I am talking about Japanese porn I noticed women never show initiations during sex and I might be wrong but the acting of being in pain... I don’t know I find it disturbing to be honest.

‘’  Japan saw a total of 601 reported rape cases (including incapacitated rape) in the first half of 2018 -- 26.8 percent more than during the same period the previous year, National Police Agency (NPA) data has shown. ‘’ 

[myhumblelife]

via weheartit

[myhumblelife]

Storytime: my abortion story

I know abortion for a lot of people is connected with negative emotions and I do believe it’s not something to take lightly. Majority of women do it because they HAVE to do it. Example: wanting a child but not having resources to raise a child. In my case it was my own stupidity. 

It all started when I started dating this guy who’s name ain’t worth mentioning. He was charming in his own way but I swear he was on the most immature man I’ve ever met. People-pleaser! He did everything to please his boss and his so called friends. To give an example what kind of people they were, lets say his boss had a pregnant wife at home while he got the woman who works for him pregnant as well. She had a miscarriage yet she continued staying with him while knowing he had a wife at home waiting for good for nothing husband at home. Everybody knew in that circle and would visit the husbands house to party while that pregnant lady would be in another room. Whenever i asked what is wrong with them, they would reply that the boss is the REAL MAN due having those both girls. This is what I mean when I say Very Immature.Of course, a lot of drugs were involved and drinks. I believe he owned a real estate company so money was never their problem. Anyway I got out of topic.  But I was really single and I just got out of my relationship and any validation from any man at that time made me feel good about myself. 

I later found out that he was talking to bunch of girls and perhaps even meeting them but honestly I didn’t care much about it anymore cause I stopped seeing him more that just ‘’waste of time’’. He had a month trip to America and when he was back, we had unprotected sex which was the worst decision ever I made that year. I took plan B on the same day and broke up with him within a week. Couple of weeks passed and I wasn’t getting my period which I didn’t think of it much. I left to visit one of the islands and meet friends outside of main city where I’m located and that’s when I started to worry. As soon as I arrived to the city I live in, I went straight to 7-11 to buy pregnancy test and took it at the airport bathroom. It came out positive. I am trying to calm myself down thinking sometimes those test can be wrong and I should take another one. I call my friend and he tells me to go home and do it again. I get home, do another test, positive. For the first time in my life, I felt so sick that I couldn’t stop vomiting and I assure it definitely wasn’t morning sickness. I was 21 at that time and I had no fucking idea what do you do in such situations. I couldn’t tell my parents, they already see me as an disappointment. I had no money, my closest friend was against abortions so I couldn’t tell her. Before all of this happened I already had a messy lifestyle so this was rock bottom for me or that’s what I thought at that moment lol.  Let me just say one thing, abortion is illigel where I am located and highly look down upon due the religious beliefs. Finding that one goddamn clinic was one of a hell task. I had to go through so many humiliating situations just to find that one clinic where it was another hell. 

Once I found that clinic, I went there for consultation. I was told to come up after 2 months. Lemme remind you I had no money to do procedure. I contacted my ex boyfriend telling about the whole situation and he just told me that I am tricking him into this trying to get back with him. Like WTF. Apparently that what his coworkers said to him. Pathetic group of people. I hope they enjoyed themselves making fun of me. He decided to come to my appointment to see if I was really pregnant. So I asked him for like less 100$ cause my friend was willing to help me with the rest and instead of helping me out he said he talked to his mother about it ( FYI he was 26 at that time ) and his mother said its a bad karma to do abortion so I should keep it but don’t expect much help from us to raising it. WHO THE FUCK AFTER THAT BE LIKE ‘’OK LEMME KEEP IT’’. Anyway after this humiliation, fear, not knowing what to do..finally day for the procedure comes. To read more what happened at the clinic, read it in the next post!  

[myhumblelife]

So a little about myself:

I am a mess. I am my worst enemy if you could say so. I make decision according to my feelings without thinking about consequences for long term and due that I always get in trouble. And I ain’t talking about trouble for eating too much candy or not drying your hair before bed..what I am talking about it is barely staying alive or almost getting in jail and banned from the country I am at. I would make several story time posts where I will go into details of my ‘’adventures’’. If you interested to read about this, keep in touch.