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curioussubjects · 6 years ago

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Non-jittery Thoughts on 15.01

Alright, had some time too calm the hell down, so I could have thoughts beyond a keysmash and a crying emoji. Chances are, too, that I’ll have more to say once I sit down with the episode again. Had to get these initial reactions/musings out of the way first.

This episode did a bang up job setting up the personal plot points for tfw. I’m super excited to see where this is going: Dean’s hell trauma revisited, Sam’s wound and its connection to his own darkness, Cas still struggling with belonging, Dean and Cas’s continuous wrongfootedness coming to a head. It’s going to be a killer of a season emotionally, and I am Here. For. It.

Full disclosure: the biggest chunk is destiel related. In my defense, Dabb & co. didn’t have to enable me, but here we are.

More thoughts under the cut.

General Thoughts:

My hype was not squashed! We got a really strong season opener and I’m so happy about it. Sure, we got running ghosts. But overall the episode was incredible; just a solid SPN episode all around. A+ job and kudos to all involved ♥♥♥

The new title card is gorgeous and full of meta potential goodness. See this post for more on that; op hit it on the head I think. For additional analysis, there’s this post from different op that is killer.

Opening sequence with tfw fighting zombie ghosts and running for shelter? Amazing. Showstopping. Breathtaking.

Dean’s grief over Jack that’s embroiled in his grief for Mary. Just. “He was our kid.” That’s some complicated shit right there.

Gotta love all the tidbits hinting at what is to come during 15.a, at the very least, if not the larger goal of the season. Reading y’all’s thoughts on the episode has been great so far, and I can’t wait to see what else crops up this week.

On Sam: Currently, Sam’s role in the more interesting aspects of the plot continue to not quite match Dean’s, which has been a problem for a while. I’m seriously hoping that changes some with Eileen’s return, Rowena coming in with some banter maybe next week, and whatever weird curse Sam got with that bullet wound. I’m loving the potential and I’m loving the prospect of having Sam brought back to the center of the plot. I missed some more emotional involvement from him this episode, too, but that should be addressed once things calm down and Sam and Dean can debrief. However, we got peak Sam in a crisis and it’s always a treat to see him do his job. Bless. Him telling the clown to shut up made my night. I love him so much.

On Belphegor: First off, Alex did such a fantastic job. I giggled a ridiculous amount. Instantly invested in the character as bringer of shenanigans. Was not disappointed. Quick deliciously meta tidbits about Belphegor, some of which may not feature in the show, but are still *chef’s kiss* (x):

Moabite deity responsible for fertility and sexual power (in case the ep wasn’t clear on that lmao)

was worshiped in the form of a phallus (so glad that made it to canon jfc)

is a fallen angel??? hello???

he’s the demonic embodiment of sloth, BUT specifically negligence and apathy (i am screaming isnt negligence the whole ordeal with dean and cas atm...and apathy was the problem with jack’s soulessness)

rules misogyny and licentious men (yeah ok no wonder he was a fan of younger dean oof)

the juiciest: emerged from hell to investigate marriage among humans (and is conveniently in the peanut gallery of dean and cas’s fight. funny how that happens. hilarious, even.)

apparently after living as a man to experience sexual pleasure he was appalled and fled back to hell where sex between men and women wasn’t a thing i’m??? what?? (yet in the show he seemed ok with hot dudes ayy)

I’m glad my “horny on main” observation turned out to be so on point jesus. Can’t help but wonder how long he’s gonna stick around. His outside perspective is amusing, at the very least. However, the fact that he barely interacted with Sam, but was a lot interested in Dean as well as Cas (though to a lesser extent) makes me think that he’s doing more than just deus exing them out of zombies and ghosts or offering hell exposition. Seems like he going to expose SOME OTHER STUFF. ABOUT DEAN (AND CAS?). He is the “Lord of Opening” after all. And isn’t using their words and being honest the thing we’re all waiting for wrt to DeanCas?? There’s some opening up that is necessary posthaste. Listen, I know I’ve been saying they need a marriage counselor, but this is not what I had in mind. Pretty on brand, though, I guess lol

I’m also really interested about the coding work the character is doing in continuing to queer Dean’s characterization. Belphegor being himself associated with (male) sexuality, and the show clearly focusing on his attraction to humans of the man variety. I wouldn’t even call it subtextual at this point as Belphegor’s interaction with Dean in the car to was really overt. My hopes that the show might actually be explicit about Dean’s bisexuality is uhhhh getting high again *confetti.* Should also maybe at least note that using a demon to do this is probs not like the best strategy, but at least said demon was 1. not skeevy and 2. mostly sympathetic to the audience.

This is all assuming, ofc, that Belphegor is not catfishing tfw (there’s precedence, after all -- and kudos to anon and op for the timely observations).

On Dean & Cas: I think it’s really damn telling that so much space was given to their relationship as like the most important thing going on with their characters? Obviously they have individual issues to deal with (their own struggles with Chuck, revisiting Dean’s stint in hell....which btw also eventually involves Cas too so *hands*), but my sweet baby jesus the validation feels good. Onwards.

We actually have a weird amount to unpack here because, as others have said, the tension between them is coming from more than just Mary and Jack -- though Mary and Jack are absolutely the main stressors atm as well as emblematic of problems they’ve had for a long long time.

I’m gonna start with Dean because boy do I love that dumbass; I want to shake him. So we have Dean: he’s grieving Mary, he’s angry, he’s scared, he’s lashing out. It’s a Thursday. We know he’s angry with Cas because he blames him for Mary’s death, even if indirectly. You know what that reminds me of? Dean hating Jack for causing Cas’s death, even though it wasn’t directly Jack’s fault. More importantly, though, both the loss of Mary and the loss of Cas were caused by the same catalyst: Cas going off on his own to solve a problem instead of asking Dean (and Sam, but really, mostly Dean) for help. Like, it’s the one thing Dean has very clearly expressed that Cas needs to stop doing (hi 12x19). It’s the same mistake Cas has been making for years. There was a false sense of security there during seasons 13 and most of 14, but alas. Again, here we have Dean losing someone because Cas couldn’t just come ask him for help. Like. It makes sense, and it’s understandable, despite Dean’s coping mechanisms being shit. In short, Dean’s actual problem with Cas is less that Mary is dead and more that Cas refuses to learn his lesson wrt them being stronger as a unit rather than doing their own thing and putting themselves and others in unnecessary danger.

Meanwhile, we have a continuation of Cas just being really sad and heartbroken because not only is Jack dead, but he’s once again unsure about his standing with Dean. He wants to protect his family, he wants to protect Dean, he wants to come back with a win; once more, he goes off on his own to do it and it blows up in his face somehow. As much as I loved Cas getting mad at the end of last season, I get why he’s somewhat subdued again. He has his guilt and grief and doubt to deal with. He doesn’t want to be mad at Dean probably about as much as he doesn’t want Dean to be mad at him. So far I’m not yet seeing the return of the spark we got when Cas was defending Jack last season, but I’m sure Dean walking out rattled him beyond the hurt. I wanna see what else happens to make him leave “in a huff” (a bit of spec on this further down). That said, what I’m most excited about is seeing how Cas gets reintegrated into the family -- pretty sure that’s universal lol.

The juiciest part now, though: I was all about the interplay of distance and care that we saw between them; let’s pause here for a quick sec to appreciate how that same interplay has been such a central part of Dean and Cas’s relationship since always like ugh. So much of the larger plot points in the show have also been situations that kept them from being truly partners as well as being constant interruptions on their ability to USE THEIR FRIGGIN’ WORDS AAAACK. We give Sam a lot of flack, but everything has awful timing in this show. We’ve had moments of honesty and vulnerability, but they’re always always cut short before we actually get somewhere; before they arrive at a place where they can talk about their issues. If the “are you ok” scene isn’t a perfect microcosm of that idk what is /sigh

So, yeah, the “Are you ok” scene oooh boy. I wasn’t as excited as some of you at this scene being an example that Dean still cared, as that was never a doubt I had in my mind (it was definitely a yes omg just talk jesus moments nevertheless). Dean couldn’t possibly just turn that shit off, no matter how much he thinks he’s done with Cas. Like, please. What we do have is Dean indulging on his own need to know that Cas is, at least, immediately fine. Triage, if you will. Him walking off before Cas can either elaborate, or, most likely, tell him about Sam, is peak Dean passive-aggressiveness. The meltdown I had in the tags of a gifset of the scene is still relevant:

#cas's little sigh of idk relief???#like he's so sad and physically fine but he's SO SAD and heartbroken#and here's dean finally not just being cold to him and ASKING ABOUT HIS WELLBEING#look at cas's face in tht second gif my heart#you can see him gd relax too i cant#and dean has his fucking check in during a break in the chaos face#im so mad#jdhakjsdfhklsd#and then dean just.........walks away and doesnt actually debrief or help or none of the things he would do#and cas is just...there all vulnerable and upset right before he clams up at the demon's quip#but it doesnt even last look at his damn face as he leaves IM SO#somebody hug him#skldjfhklsajdfa#he needs a dean hug#but noooo dean is being a jackass#this is awful#im not ok#i hate it when they fight#im over it that's enough drama dabb i take back everything i said about loving pain

I’ll definitely have more thoughts on this once we have whatever emotional payload next week.

All in all, I’m not actually concerned about the future of their relationship. They’ve been through much, they’ll be fine. I am, though, tickled that we’ll see these key problems in their relationship reach a point where they have to be dealt with. Also: I can’t wait for the catharsis that Cas leaving is bound to elicit. Both for us, the viewers, and the characters. Besides, Dean needs to go to a corner and have a think about his behavior and if pushing Cas away is really what he wants. And then maybe finally we can get that sweet sweet resolution of an affirmation about Cas’s place in Dean’s life. And in turn an affirmation that Cas does trust their family unit enough to depend on them.

I think we got a good set up in this episode leading into whatever drama we get in the coming weeks. The tension was up to 11. Love it. Hate it. Personally, I think the empty deal might be what does sets off Cas walking out. Somehow, the deal is not a secret anymore. We have here another instance of Cas making a super important decision that affects The Family on his own and then keeping it a secret (to protect Sam and Dean, a pattern). Dean can be angry and think Cas is dead to him all he wants, he will blow tf up when he learns about this deal. Sam isn’t gonna be thrilled either, though he’s more likely to make puppy eyes of sadness and Disappointment than yell at Cas. Seriously, though, I can just see Dean saying some bullshit because he’s just so done and here goes Cas potentially dying again, which in turn will probably piss Cas off. Etc etc. Cue the violins.

tl;dr: if episode 1 is any indication, we’re in for a wild fucking ride, kiddos. hold onto your butts!!!

#supernatural #spn #destiel #deancas #spn spoilers #spn15 #spn meta #my stuff #ok thoughts still a little jittery #but my brain is so hyped i needed to let these go into the ether #before i could sit down and write any sort of coherent argument #gosh i do love this show so much

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naruhearts · 5 years ago

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It’s Happening.

Sorry I need to get this all out of my brain for a sec and review past stuff so warning for the rambly sloppiness-

A Key Concept: one can’t freely love another person(s) the way they deserve without first loving oneself. We know this is a vital aspect of interpersonal growth and healthy relational interdependence.

Dean Winchester now loves himself (LOVE YOURSELF, SPEAK YOURSELF, folks). He has forgiven the Ghost kid...unshackled him and let him dissipate into the ether of a toxic past (which was all smartly foreshadowed in the metanarrative throughout the past few years over and over again *gingerly cradles my Scoobynatural 13x16 meta* because HELLO, Cas the Honest Man truly was the interpersonal catalyst to saving Dean the Righteous Man. Cas saw the ghost underneath the monstrous shell, the wall, the barrier of unworthiness, and helped set him free. 2 years ago, I wrote: “Who was able to reach through—to communicate and see the little vulnerable ghost boy behind the monstrous facade? A facade created by authority abuse? A facade created to protect himself from a scary world? Who was able to lend him a sense of self-acceptance? CAS. Cas is the living antithesis of control. He’s freedom. He’s non-conformity. And Dean’s finally LETTING GO like Elsa. Releasing himself like Rowena in 13x12. Conquering his traumas. What’s by is by. Dean’s saying I was trapped, but now I’m free. I’m my own person—not Heaven’s tool, not Hell’s tool, not my Dad’s tool, not society’s tool, but my own tool, corroborated by Cas telling him he isn’t a talking dog at the end.”)

Indeed, all this DID come to pass. The baggage was FINALLY unloaded. We meta writers and everyone else who saw the same things, agreed with us, and basked with us in noting those things are still feeling so, so vindicated because we saw the unadulterated story Dabb & Co wanted to tell all along), I’m manifesting.

I’m manifesting that self-actualized and self-loving Dean, finally internalizing and processing Cas’ love confession of truth - finally accepting that he is WORTH Cas’ love - will find Cas and USE HIS WORDS at the growth!Becky end of the long, beautifully devastating, winding road.

I’m manifesting that Dean will finally tell Cas he loves him, too.

That he always did.

Again, I commented re: 15x19 here (I’m also too lazy now to “analyze” this ep in that there’s almost nothing to meta anymore!! Ahh! Common sense):

Dabb & co pulled a necessarily (lol) fast one on us tonight: a literary Bros-Only mirage, veiling the actual narrative underneath -> Love and...Love, in which the Winchesters of the modern age function and self-regulate poorly without their loved ones. Self-actualization and self-love — both of which currently manifest in the brothers’ life courses as facilitated by emotional-passionates Edlund-Thompson-Dabb and more — involves love for others. Of note, Dean Humanity Winchester finally understands his worth. The penultimate trigger for him to love himself was Cas’ unconditional love for him. Cas, the key of truth and free will, opened his heart completely. Dean’s heart, mind, and soul are finally congruent FOR LOVE.

And here:

**And by proxy the greatest love story ever told is entrenched in free will; every action Cas performed after saving Dean Winchester from Hell has been executed with Dean’s influence, character, human essence. Cas and Dean further lit, enhanced, stoked the flames of free will within the other upon first contact -> “When Castiel first laid a hand on you in Hell, he was lost!!” ...[shakes S8 & the Naomi storyline under your nose; take a wonderful storytelling whiff]. They met in the middle on their own accord. Dean and Cas trusting each other, choosing each other, believing in the other, all literally + figuratively threw Chuck’s authority off the rails.** In other words, it’s almost like we can state, with potential certainty, that a love story, a love story of various iterations and multifaceted forms — platonic (Sam, Dean, and Cas welcoming Jack into their non-nuclear Found Family) and romantic ([sub]textual: Dean and the Angel of Humanity Cas) — has again led, all this time, to Chuck’s downfall.

^I wrote this during 15x17. OF COURSE, it’s not subtextual anymore!!

To reiterate:

Free will is love. Love is free will. Love isn’t bound by anything, isn’t trapped nor suppressed by universal rules. It doesn’t exist in a singular vacuum. It controls and frees itself. Love ebbs and flows and transcends even “the veil of death and saves the day.”

In fact, “Love can only be genuine if it’s freely chosen. Which means, unless a personal agent has the capacity to choose against love, they don’t really have the capacity to choose for it...[i]n a world that is centered on love, even God can’t be guaranteed to always get what he wants.” x

Dean and Cas’ love for each other, unexpected, unpredictable, unprecedented and autonomous, permeating the fabric of natural predetermined order, again caused Chuck’s downfall. Oh boy oh boy oh boy.

It’s been building, building, building, waxing, waxing, waxing into a full bright moon from S8-12, then underwent another fundamental narrative shift into textual endgame territory from S13-15 that encompassed the self, the transcendental merging of Jungian Persona and Shadow, that all gathered to the textual surface, Who Am I (I mean, I WROTE THIS FOR @profoundzine within the context of mirror self S14 about DEAN AND CAS GAINING INTERDEPENDENCE which also came true!!); the show is finally going there.

15x19 closed the door to Ye Olde SPN.

It seems to me that 15x20 is going to open another door: one truly for the history books, one of Rebirth, embodying Free Will and Love and...Love, uncensored and raw in 2020, evoking the winds of social change and humanistic positive character arc growth that will topple all of us over into elation.

Endgame Destiel.

I keep saying it, but if 15x20 goes bad bad, I’m with you all in marching up to the offices and raging. However, everything thus far storytelling-wise was constructed to finish the picture they started painting since S7/8.

Goddamn, I’m HYPED FOR NEXT WEEK!!!

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paganchristian · 4 years ago

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Practical & Creative God Gives Me Intuitive Practicality

Practical magic. Practicality and intuition aren’t opposed, quite the opposite. Creativity and relaxation aren’t opposed to hard work and service, but work in harmony to make the best and most balanced, highest possible mix of them. If you try to just be spiritual and starve your body, contrary to what some new age people hype themselves up about, you will not live on air. You can’t be overly practical without harming the practicality. Use your brain too much and you become cerebrally exhausted and you can’t think as well. And for many they need big breaks from concentrated thinking. They need work that lets them mostly just kind of skim the surface of life, while their minds wander. This cultivates a creative, intuitive awareness that gives insights to life’s practical problems. Insights that can’t be found by head-on attacking life as a practical duty all lined out for the to-do list.

Even worship needs creativity, worship needs intuition, worship needs the body and it needs sensory integration. For some more than others I imagine, I’m sure.. Because a person who has sensory processing disorder would still need sensory things to help them focus, to help them concentrate, to help regulate their emotions, and so on, in religious things as well as mundane things.

Though some of the religious groups I’m drawn to do use sensory things, physical things, active things, in their worship they seem to be very narrow about what that means, and if you get too outside the regulated standards of how you can be creative, how you can be playful, how you can be active, and so on, then you go too far for them. Then you are liable to be called demonic, worldly, contaminated by the energy of the world. Depending on what types of creative, sensory and imaginative things you use you are likely to be truly called demonic, or under demonic influence. Rock music, other spiritual paths, and a variety of “too secular” things, values that are outside the religious rules, they are quickly labeled as evil, dangerous, destructive, deluding. Whatever that Jesus wandered among all the people of all the different value systems and lifestyles. Without condemning or talking about their flaws. Without rejecting or ignoring the good things they did, just because they were couched inside the contradictory lifestyles or values that were outside Christian norms or rules. And I’m here to say I think Jesus would embrace, not nitpick to me. I am here to say I think that Jesus would possibly once again, as before, say certain rules of religions nowadays are wrong and misguided, and what has been written was mistaken.

I felt like I got a message from Jesus. I was praying one day, and contemplating and I had an insight about some of my loved ones, their judgmental attitudes, and I said, these people are too practical for their own good. He said to me, then, yes they are. But you are too intuitive and creative for your own good. Or something. I don't recall if he said creative, intuitive, or both. I thought, yeah, it’s true. I can’t seem to make sense and stay on track. I get derailed on tangents and relativity. I get lost and can’t stay motivated and focused to do important tasks, oftentimes. I need others to help me manage my practical life or I don’t know if I could make it very well in the real world. But the practical ones, they get lost in rules and methodical arbitrary efficiency. Like work hard, doing busy work, when being creative would give you insights on how to better be hard-working but how dare you be “idle” and “creative”, and intuition and creativity are eyed with suspicion. They are cold and judgmental towards more creative insights. They shut down their own ability for higher flights of insight and connection with spirit through such means.

Only a bare minimum of such relaxation and creativity is allowed by them, for themselves. But they see more creative, intuitive exploring as stupid.

They immediately reject it without consciously looking at it in an honest way, so programmed are their minds to reject such things as “impractical”, useless, worthless, etc. They see such creative intuitive things as just a sin or as a waste of time, just lazy and delusional in their eyes. As in insights to things that are too “out there”, too unfamiliar, and rejected as crazy and wrong offhand, without looking closely and open-mindedly for even two seconds.

We both have it wrong, though, both the too practical and the too creative/intuitive people,... that is what Jesus was saying to me, in my message I got. Even though we are both wrong, it’s how it’s meant to be, or rather, how it naturally is, and it must be. Our nature are flawed. We can’t be what we’re not, our personalities, minds, how we were born to be, our inherent nature.

But we need each other and we need to not judge and work together. I think he said something like that.

Anyway, if it was truly Jesus and not just some illusion of the devil as many Christians might say to me, in this group in which all visions are suspect and to be rejected, until you are considered advanced enough, until you are a saint practically, with many years, decades even, of debased humility in your past, in which you can’t trust your own heart and the visions you have. But since visions are one of the only sources of things that help me to make sense of a world that makes no sense and that can’t even discuss my concerns with me. I consider the things the visions say openly.

Maybe it’s true. Maybe if someone doesn’t help me be more grounded and practical, then I will destroy myself with too much creativity and intuition. Maybe I need them. Maybe they will spend their life in petty, dubious busywork in the name of practicality and burn out their bodies and their minds and close their hearts and make them cold, if they don’t have someone to pull them out of that, to pull their minds open and make them loosen up and try new things,... All the while they may be working too hard for things, some that are good,

But many of the things they work so hard for, I feel may not even matter much if at all, but it’s “good deeds” in their eyes, or it is “practical hard work” and so they think it’s the best thing they can do. Sometimes their good deeds are an intrusion, a thorn in my side, an irritation and in my face. I don’t care that they dressed up neatly, that they brought me a gift I don’t need, or are chattering and invading my peaceful silence to keep me company, that their yards are neatly mowed and manicured, that they worked hard for more money than they or anyone needs, and buy all these expensive gifts and things with some of that unneeded money.

I don’t care that some of these practical family members also go to church and pray and read the bible at family gatherings, or that they feel so proud of that, it appears, telling everyone about their beliefs. As far as I can see and tell, it seems to me my spiritual experiences in private are much more powerful even to others, if energy ripples from your deep insight and love and they sit in judgment of those who aren’t as practical and don’t display their faith openly. Something seems missing.

But I don’t feel, or I doubt, I wonder if I can ever reach them. I feel they would be able to live in the world, without me, maybe,... Unless their hearts and souls burn out and they self-destruct because they couldn’t open up to more ethereal realities. Which is a worry for some of them who are my close loved ones. But maybe they can live in the real world, for some of them, because they’re more stable, but that doesn’t mean they’re better. Their weakness is more stable, and my weakness is more easily destroyed, but they’re equally wrong (and equally right). Some species of plants are fragile, and some are hardy, but they’re equally good plants.

And we both need each other if we can only open our minds and help balance each others’ blind spots. Can we or do we immediately shut out and try to control the other and force them into our image?

Have we forced God into our image. Because it seems to me the practical side of things is more common in the world as well as religion. Even the emphasis on worship is so rules-based that it’s more about practicality, efficiency, organizing and streamlining and making things predictable. Because if worship was flexible, spontaneous, creative, intuitive, it wouldn’t be that clearly practical. The practicality would be seen only in a subjective way, but subjectivity is not viewed as being that practical. You can’t quantify, control and predict it in the larger community and society and culture.

So there is creative practicality, yes, but to reach the full extent of creative practicality you have to go so deep into both creativity and intuition and practicality that it will look like it compromises both sides. But it is only possible if you can stop this extreme exaggerated identification with either side.

Now I want to slip in a life that I feel no one else that I know of seems able to see or value and validate and recognize for what it is. I might need to stay quiet because how can I share something too subtle for words, too unusual to expect others to understand? I need to live and not talk and think too much, as well. Yet even that is not a line carved in stone, and the shifting sands of reality could make it so that words and thinking are once more needed, helping me to process things intuitively, again. And to process trauma, that thing which can’t be head-on approached in this practical, forceful way or it will make the repressed things go totally into hiding, fleeing, unconscious and panicked. So I’ll see. Yet to process it in my own private life is often better. I don’t have anything to share, I just think, create, ponder, meditatively, I free-associate my stream of consciousness, and gather ideas, in my own life and can’t share them many times. The need to share can be the need to perform, to fit myself into some framework that I think others can understand and appreciate, that fits into the realm of how and what subjects and in what ways I relate, with them .

But maybe I will take a little break, to be practical and intuitive in my real physical life, away from arguments, away from traumas, away from what I can discuss and really expect others to understand as even making sense in the context of religion or spirituality. And even beyond what I can think others will even understand as making sense even outside the context of religion. Just my process of living, as a person who is ill, who is traumatized, who has a thousand problems buried under debris that can only be very slowly carefully moved one by one thing at a time,.. and it looks lazy and idle to others, those who are practical, religious, creative, ... whoever. But I have to live my life so I’ll try.

Help me to live my life, God.

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gezelligheiid2 · 5 years ago

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okay so. those of you who talk to me about elder scrolls know I don’t entirely like the portrayal of the Clockwork City as seen in ESO. this is kinda a big post of headcanons and other things to give you guys, my buddies, a better idea of how I view the Clockwork City when I write about Sotha Sil or Sulkan.

What is the Clockwork City: So, basic concept is a city that’s some combination of “magic, metal, and natural” elements, but why. What is the goal of the Clockwork City? In some respects, I agree that the Clockwork City is meant to be some sort of “higher plane of existence” that is more perfect than Nirn. Truly, it is a place of learning. The City is meant to be inhabited by the people Seht believes have the capacity to learn something from their time there: it’s not a place for random people, nor is it a place that you can enter because you know someone that might live there. The City is a huge work in progress, even when Seht dies, and is never fully complete.

Does it still have those robots tho?: Kinda. I’ll be totally honest with you, my main beef with the Clockwork City in ESO is the whole SIRI thing it’s got goin on. I hate it. Apparently, it’s Sotha Nall’s voice that you hear? Cool. I still hate it. There’s no voice that reads off readings to you or welcomes you to places, and that goes for the factotums as well. So, the semi-human robots are still around, but they don’t talk. Factotums are mainly just used for basic jobs, it allows Apostles to do more important work while still sustaining the City as a whole. So watering or picking crops? Factotums. Cleaning? Factotums. Easy repairs? Factotums. However, there are still plenty of basic jobs that need to be done, who does those?

Yeah Marcus who does those other basic jobs?: A p o s t l e s. Alright, lemme get fuckin zesty with you: knowledge doesn’t only mean “making robots”. The part earlier where I said this was a city for people who would learn from being there? I mean it. You aspire to learn banking? Well shit, the city needs one of those, so Seht might pick you up and give you a place there. You wanna make food with all kinda of wacky ingredients? Well the Apostles gotta eat, so you might get picked too. Want to run your own store? Fuck man, the city needs that: you’ve been chosen. Now, most Apostles end up as the Robot people since that’s what this place is known for. Maybe, you already know where I’m going with this.

Where?: Fuckin class system. Get hyped, the Clockwork City has an upper and lower class, and I think you already know what I mean. It’s like the real world where people see 4 year college as being super cool and awesome and 2 year college is not as good or cool and fuck them for thinking that but I digress. So get this: the Clockwork Apostles that are considered “Seht’s faithful” think that they’re more important and all around better. It didn’t start like that, but when you bring beings from Nirn to a “new, better Nirn” they’re going to bring their own fucked up brains with them. If you ask Seht, he would say that every person in the city is his apostle. If is ask the Clockwork Apostles: they’re the only apostles. For that reason, most of the non-robot people don’t call themselves apostles because then it just starts an argument. Clockwork Apostles gated off their ranks only for people of “reAl inTElleCtUAl PerSuITs”. However, there isn’t really a monetary class system? There isn’t a district that lives in poverty while the others don’t coughslagtowncough. This is a place of learning, not of wealth. Seht wants you there, he’s not going to just let you starve and die. The people Seht selects to live here have homes that they don’t need to pay for and are given a sum of money to take care of food and other things. However, jobs are still a thing and its a good way to get money since what you’re given for being there isn’t enough to furnish your house of buy something nice for yourself. I went on a tangent whoops. Anyways, these apostles that have other pursuits are called “Cogs” by the Clockwork Apostles: referring the whole idea of cogs in a machine, but enforcing that they’re not cool or special. Which is rude.

Wait why does Seht let them be like that?: Honestly, because he’s soft. They’re his kids, that’s how he treats them. But that doesn’t mean that discipline is something he does well. He doesn’t. That’s the problem.

Also you mentioned free houses: Hell yeah I did. When Seht kidnaps you into the ether, he makes sure you have somewhere to go. Sure, they’re little starter places meant for just one person, but that’s the beauty of it. There are plenty of other places to live, Seht even gets excited when someone wants to put their skills to work and build something themselves, but that’s all extra. If you want to just do research and live in your little place? Cool, thats kinda what the spirit of the city is all about. You found someone you want to marry, maybe have some kids? Neato, there are bigger houses you can invest in by working.

Wait but isn’t this place religious?: That is a good question: it is. But it wasn’t meant to be. Seht isn’t like the other Tribunes, he’s not preachy or anything and really isn’t all that temple aligned when you think about it. However, a God doesn’t have to say scripture for people to start making it. The Truth in Sequence isn’t a document written by Seht, it’s written by his “Fourth Tourbillon”. You know what that means? No. It doesn’t mean anything. Aside from that fact that a Tourbillon is a watch-piece, we have no idea what the job he’s bragging about it. What we do know, is that Seht has said some things about how he sees the Clockwork City as being a perfect world, but he really hasn’t talked much about the beliefs the Clockwork Apostles seem to think he has... Shedding your weak mortal skin for metal? He’s never said anything about it. The union of flesh and machine? I mean, he makes those things but that’s not really his end goal. The Dwemer are bad? Where do you think his designs came from: the Dwemer. Seht lets these beliefs fester since, well, he’s never said what he believes in public. He’s like a real god: vibing while his followers all freak out and make assumptions about what he does or does not like based on second-hand accounts.

Are you done: No. I gotta talk. About the fuckin water. You know what Seht likes? Water. He grew up seaside, his House was known for magic and fishing. So, I don’t like that ESO shows all the water being polluted. And no one cares. The water is clean, the only oil you might see would be from machines that might have broken and fallen in or broken pipes. The water is normal. Also while I’m on this, weather is weird. Seht has engineered the systems that involve the weather and its pretty cool. You can see sunrise, sunset, moon phases, and even stars. What won’t you see? Rain. Why are there trees and grass? Magic. The Clockwork City exists outside of time and space, so I don’t find it hard to believe that the ground is weird and can sustain these weird forms of plants: the city is also watched by a Magnus so there’s a lot of magic involved. Does it make sense? Not really. But you know what makes less sense: letting it rain in your clock city.

Oh shit don’t they eat paste: It’s around, but there are more kinds of food available. Honestly the paste happened when Seht tried to make cooking robots and maybe someone was into it.

Is that fake Heart still a thing?: Yeah, Seht made a replica of Lorcan’s Heart to power the city once he’s gone. Here’s the kicker: what the hell powers the Heart? So I offer you this: the Heart doesn’t last. Once Seht is dead, there’s a time-limit to how long the city will be on. It’s really more so people have time to get ready and leave once he dies. And that’s what happens. He dies and the city empties out. The gears rust with time and things don’t operate anymore. The plants die and water dries up, the Fabricants just. kinda die. No one is there to fix them or make more of them. Bigger things, more powerful things, still linger in the city: their soul gems still bursting with energy, but they can’t escape when the portals don’t even work without power. It’s a husk of what it was, now roamed by creatures that had been kept under lock and key back when the power was on...

Wait you mentioned kidnapping earlier: That’s how you get here. Seht sees you and then just. Takes you. Welcome to the City.

#uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuh there's... probably more I need to talk about but #take this for now?#my rambling about how eso is dumb...#uhhhhhh #;; important.#『 ⚙ ᴹʸ ᶠʳᶦᵉⁿᵈ; ᵂʰᵃᵗ ᴴᵃᵛᵉ ᴵ ᴮᵉᶜᵒᵐᵉˀ 』;; seht headcanon.#『 🛠 ᴬ ᴸᵒʸᵃˡ ˢᵒⁿ ᵒᶠ ᴿᵉᵈᵒʳᵃⁿ 』;; sulkan headcanon.#tw: long post #tw: abduction #also sorry but im hella bitter about the whole my college is better than urs thing #I will die on that hill ok

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celestialmark · 6 years ago

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NEO CITY IN LONDON

okk guys so as most of you know i got to attend nct 127’s concert in london on the 7th and here’s my in depth experience and impressions of each members as promised :)

TAEIL: is an angel. he’s precious honestly. he’s just like how he is in nct videos. he has a really peculiar sense of humour which makes him even funnier and his gestures and facial expressions are exactly what you see in videos. his vocals are top notch wowza. his high notes are exceptional in bridges like chain, simon says, firetruck! what i remember the most about him is the part where he was asked to do something sexy and cute at the same time and this man licked his hand and did the peace sign after :)) said his iconic line “fans are our energy, we are always thankful and we love you.” love love loved him!!

TAEYONG: exudes leader energies all the way. honestly, the concert just really proved why all the members hold him in such high regard. his stage presence is so alluring and his voice is so clear and an exact replica of how we hear him in their songs. his dancing is oh my god absolutely dazzling and so smooth no wonder he’s a centre. he looks so good in blue hair his visuals are no joke + he spoke english a lot and did so well in communicating with the fans it was great. also his aegyo comes out in random bursts when you least expect it. it’s such a complete 360 contrast when he performs cos he’s so charismatic onstage but when he’s talking to fans, he’s a lil baby :( 100% precious. would definitely keep in my pocket.

JOHNNY: really really playful and dorky. johnny stays true to all the descriptions we’ve all read of him; funny and absolutely kind hearted. during their ments, he’s mostly the one who asks fans to get involved in their songs, i.e. doing the crowd wave or swinging the lightstick a certain type of way to correlate with their songs. he’s also very deep! one time, he talked about how open he felt within himself because he saw us being so open to cheering for them and hyping them up. also how could we forget— he clowned doyoung again and imitated his dance from masked singer and the crowd went balistic :))) also need to give him more credit for his singing as well as his dancing!! some fans in the crowd needed assistance since they didn’t feel too well and johnny openly asked for security and pointed out who needed help + voice slightly higher in pitch when talking.

YUTA: a crowd favourite! (he bias wrecked me the entire night). really really knows what the fans want and he delivered it so well in their songs. his smile is literally blinding and he had so much energy the whole night! his dancing is oof so so so fluid and the way he hit his high notes screamed effortless to me. you could literally see his passion burning as he performed onstage— intense and powerful. red hair suits him so much. his gestures during their songs were all captured so well by the cameras i’m pretty sure he stole everyone’s hearts that night. also his english is sooo sooo good. we stan this man.

DOYOUNG: another bias wrecker of mine. he’s beautiful onstage his eyes were literally shining i kid you not, so much so, i thought he was crying but really, they just had sparkles in them. his vocals, let me tell you, made all the hairs in my skin stand. he accentuated a lot of his notes and combine that with his emotions (esp, back 2 u— rip) really makes you think wow what a powerful talented man. i literally caught myself with my mouth open because i was so drawn to him. g o r g e o u s sweet man!!

JAEHYUN: wow this man. wow. absolutely ethereal in real life. his skin is so smooth and milky you could literally still see it miles away. his expressions were breathtaking, from his smiling, to smirking, to staring into your soul, you name it, he’ll just take your breath away. i’m convinced that man has no bones because his waves and his dancing were so fluid. the wigs were snatched with his vocals— so so good at maintaining his low notes and even better at reaching them notes so so high (timeless and no longer jdgsgsga). when he talks, his voice is actually a little higher pitched than what we expect it to be from videos and whatnot. will really steal your heart literally any day just by standing there looking all perfect.

JUNGWOO: precious precious precious. you know the way our baby gets nervous very easily? he said that he was nervous at the beginning but he felt so much better after seeing the lighsticks :(( his voice really really stands out when he sings, it just has that distinct sound that catches your attention. his smile is actually so pretty and cute! also his english was really good he had so much phrases and words up his sleeve and he spoke so well and without any effort. also dancing was phenomenal, very fluid and well delivered. we really gotta appreciate how he learned all of 127’s choreographies in such a short amount of time and dancing it all with so much ease!! we love love love :((

MARK: ok here we go. the first thing that caught my attention when mark spoke was his voice. it’s actually a tiny bit slightly higher pitched than what we hear from videos or their songs like jaehyun and johnny. but when i watched the videos i took, he sounds the exact same as other videos so i’m confused? regardless, mark proves he’s absolutely fully capable. he looked marvelous onstage and so comfortable there he literally does belong up there. he was so dynamic from his singing, rapping and dancing. he speaks really fast and i feel like his brain has no brakes so sometimes his words get jumbled around or he says the same thing twice in one sentence but it only makes him so much more endearing :( totally fell in love with him way more than i already have HAHAHA.

HAECHAN: oh my god this man. haechan’s voice is like honey okay, very very smooth and definitely one that you can distinguish right away. also watching him made me realise how not only should we praise him for his vocals, but also for his dancing. THIS BOY CAN DANCE. and may i add very very effortless too? he makes dancing look soooo easy and his footwork?? we should really consider putting him in the centre more and adding him to the dance line :(( his interaction with johnny are the most precious!! his skin glows it really really does he’s so beautiful :(

NCT127: overall, a team with really really good teamwork and unity. their choreographies were executed so well there’s so much hard work and late hours of practice evident in it. they all compliment each other really well, and for the members we don’t hear much from in their recorded songs, got other members’ lines or shared with them. THEY EAT CDS FOR BREAKFAST. they really outsold themselves— they make it all look so easy. all of the boys couldn’t stop thanking us and kept emphasising how it was their first time in europe and how it was all because of us that their visit to london was possible. they also kept reminding us to have a good time with them but on top of that, to mind ourselves and to be careful. all of their english was so so so good, they really did study so hard, they only needed the translator once. they’re very open with their gratitude to their fans and you could feel how thankful they really were :(( we tried to sing them a happy birthday but we weren’t in sync so jaehyun stopped us and counted us in so we could all sing together :)) honestly the sweetest souls ever!

pretty sure i repeated a lot of words and adjectives and i hope this gave you a good idea of the boys!! please do feel free to ask me anything if i’ve missed out on some things!!

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inanotherworld5599 · 6 years ago

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Welcome to the Magic Shop

Summary: Based on the Magic Shop VCR from the 5th Muster because to be honest, I had to. That was way too good of a prompt for me not to. (This is just an intro if people like it I'll definitely put up more chapters because this my first time writing something like this?)

Pairings: Jikook

Jungkook's not sure how he landed in this mess but it's for certain that he hadn't expected for it to actually lead him to seek professional help.

So his magic was a bit shit to be putting it nicely (it wasn't like he had meant to set the dorms on fire, it had kind of just happened and the incident was entirely unrelated to the fact that a girl had smiled at him and he'd freaked out) but that didn't mean the Academy's counsellor had to tell him in not so many words that unless he found a way to train he'd probably never be able to make it as a proper Magician in the Ministry.

Jungkook should have proceeded to argue that if the Academy was really all that hyped up to be they should be able to train him themselves but of course his shyness mixed with his strictly non confrontational attitude had led him to sit quietly and just nod.

Another thing he needs to work on.

Magic tutors were not an uncommon thing in this day and age, while the Academy was a place for all aspiring Magicians to enter and display their talents, the more powerful ones, ones with more potential often chose specific tutors to give them an extra edge so they could enter into the highly competitive Magician industry.

And of course there were cases like Jungkook who needed a tutor just so that he could talk to other people without causing some catastrophe or the other.

He'd gotten offers from all around, tutoring shops that were both big and small, after all Jungkook may have been a bit of a mess but in no way was he a untalented.

Cube and JYP had to be his first option after all they were the most famous ones but it's a small card with Big Hit's: Magic Shop that catches his eye.

It seems familiar somehow, the name that is and Jungkook kept staring at the card until he finally realises in whose association he had heard it to.

Kim Namjoon.

Holy shit, the Kim Namjoon.

Jungkook was as introverted as anybody could get and getting him to talk about anything was a herculean task which one could succeed only if he didn't run away at the meer sight of you.

Jungkook was hopelessly passionate about though and he could talk about it for hours and hours as long as the discussion was pertaining to.. you got it, Kim Namjoon.

Kim Namjoon in no way was superbly famous or even that well known but Jungkook had been a fan since day one and by fan it was more like he was quite literally two steps away from setting up a shrine and worship the man (he tends to do things in extreme to be perfectly honest.)

Kim Namjoon was brilliantly smart and he'd probably get to great places with his intellect alone especially in Magic Theory but he'd chosen to forgo all of that to get involved in the more practical aspects of magic.

The spells he created were a work of art according to Jungkook. There was such an intricate and thoughtful use of magic in all of his spells that Jungkook had quite literally wanted to become a magician just so that he could use those spells.

And now the opportunity to be tutored by him? Holy shit Jungkook's actually glad that he'd freaked out and set the dorms on fire.

The Academy isn't overtly happy about one of their more promising albeit a bit of train wreck students choosing an entirely unknown tutor but there isn't much they can say which is how Jungkook find's himself in front of a quaint little shop tucked in the outskirts of Soul Forest.

It's beautiful and homely with green creepers and tall trees surrounding it and Jungkook can faintly hear the gurgle of a stream in the background. Everything out here screams peace and yet Jungkook can't help but be frozen mid way on the pebble pathway to the door with absolute fear.

He's always dragged his parents around in the fear of having to interact with strangers but this time he knew he was entirely alone and at the age he is in the embarrassment of having his parents baby sit him outweighs him stammering over a few words. But the thought of meeting his idol is almost nerve wracking and ninety percent of Jungkook's brain is telling him to run.

But instead he moves forward.

He peers through the frosted glass of the door not knowing what to expect. The shop was even more beautiful on the inside and it's enough to make Jungkook poke his head through the door after reasoning with himself that he can always choose to run away if something irks him.

What he doesn't count on is the bell that chimes when he opens the door and it makes him go still.

There is some rustling and the faint noise of footsteps which bring a pair of perfectly polished shoes in front of him.

Jungkook gathers up the courage to look up to see.....

To see the most beautiful man he'd ever laid eyes on. Platinum blonde hair with silvery eyes that shine just as brightly as his earrings the man in front of him looked prettier than the ancient paintings of Angels that our usually held as the epitome of beauty.

Has he died and gone to heaven? Did his anxiety seriously kill him?

Holy fucki-

"How may I help you?"

Jungkook just stands there in a daze staring at the man something at the back of his mind praying that he isn't openly drooling. He has somehow managed to enter the shop, he's not sure how because he's so captivated by the man in front of him.

The blonde haired man has to be the most beautiful thing he's ever seen by far and his voice is sweet melodious and welcoming just like everything else about him.

There is no such thing as perfect, Jungkook had been taught growing up and he had truly believed it. Until this moment of course.

"Hello?" The man's voice is a bit unsure now which is understandable considering that Jungkook is gaping at him like a goldfish.

Words Jungkook, use your words, his mother had told him so that's exactly what Jungkook does except it's not much of words just disconnected sounds.

"Excuse me?" The pretty man says again and this time his smile is a bit more amused and it's so dazzling that Jungkook can just melt.

In fact that's almost exactly what he does to the candles in the shop.the candles all melt in an instant making the only source of light the fairly lights that have been hung all over.

"Ohmygod!" Jungkook mumbles out when he realises in horror what he's done.

"I'm so sorry!" Jungkook says utterly flustered and is almost on his way to run out or be chased out but instead the beautiful man just laughs making Jungkook freeze up right in his spot for the umpteenth time just this hour.

"That's a really cool trick!" The man says,"Even Namjoon-hyung can't do this!"

Jungkook blinks Namjoon's name finally reminding him what he was here for.

"U-I-I-" he clears his throat but his voice still come south as small,"I'm Jungkook. Uh-I-I was invited for the magic tutoring?"

The man beams up to him,"I know who you are Jungkook-shi, I'm Park Jimin the owner of the shop!"

Jungkook's eyes widen and Jimin laughs again,"I'm really happy you picked us! Sorry for messing with you for a bit, I've read your file and I just wanted to get a clearer idea of your situation."

Jimin leans forward and suddenly he's just inches away from Jungkook and Holy crap, he's even prettier up close.

"The file didn't mention how cute you were though." Jimin says his silvery eyes trailing the length of Jungkook's face and the curve of his jaw before finally settling onto his lips.

"Hmm even if it did I don't think it would have been able to do justice." Jimin's eyes finally snap back to his eyes and Jungkook's face is so red that he actually feels like he's on fire.

Jimin's eyes flicker to Jungkook's shoulder his face more sharper and ethereal bathed in a flickering orange light,"You're on fire."

Jungkook vaguely registers that he is literally on fire because of course but before the panic or actually the relief considering that being burnt to ashes would at least save him from the embarrassment can set in the fire goes our with a faint hiss.

"I'm good with water spells." Jimin says"So you won't have to worry about burning things to the ground, I won't let you."

Jimin winks and Jungkook feels like he might just die right there.

"Will you have a seat?" Jimin points to the couch that's neatly situated in the middle of the shop,"I'll get everything in order and tell you how to proceed with things."

Jungkook manages to nod somehow, his only achievement really and he sits down with a thump.

His shock is finally wearing off and the mortification and utter embarrassment was starting to set in now.

No way could he come back after all of this. No way. No wa-

"Jungkook-shi." Jimin's voice is quite and there is something utterly fond in his tone that makes Jungkook look up. The beautiful man smiles at Jungkook and there is something so utterly soft in his eyes that Jungkook thinks that he was wrong to think that Jimin was the most beautiful thing he had ever set his eyes on because it was nothing compared to fond and genuine smile that graced Jimin's features now.

It was breathtaking.

"Welcome to the Magic Shop." Jimin says softly before turning around and walking towards the counter.

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Should I continue?

#bangtan #bts #jikook #park jimin #jeon jungkook #jeongguk #kim namjoon #bts fanfic #writings #magic shop #5th muster #bts au #bts fic #bangtan fic #fanfiction #writing #magic au

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promisenolies · 6 years ago

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So... I never want to forget what BTS Chicago Night One was like... the pictures and video will help that I got.. but I wanted more. Something concrete...so I wrote this:

I have sincere doubts that I’ll ever be able to accurately describe what going to BTS’s Speak Yourself show in Chicago on May 11, 2019 meant to me. Part of being able to convey why it was such a life-altering experience for me would include y’all having an understanding as to why I love these guys so much, what their music, and general existence means to me. And that, is a task that is beyond my capabilities…but I’ll try.

I didn’t know what I was missing. I shrugged my daughter off when she’d try to tell me about them or get me to listen to their music. I didn’t understand why anyone would listen to music outside of their native language. How do you even enjoy it? But then…in July…I heard Fake Love on the radio while on my way to a Hanson String Theory show. Something about it called to me. I jumped in and started reading lyrics (as the message is always my number one concern—after having a good groove/sound) …and I fell in love. –Do you know how hard it is to find a great beat and fat bass WITHOUT sexually degrading lyrics? Damn near impossible until BTS for me. Instead of ‘bitches, hos, money, drugs, and pimping’ they’re singing about chasing dreams, rejecting status quo, finding home with those you love and who love you, about love, relationships, and connection. They sing a wide range—pop, pop/rock, rap, hip-hop…it keeps my many moods quite satisfied. Their music fully transcends language. You can just FEEL it, so deeply, so wholly, you don’t need to know every last word to get the message.

Then, I fell in love with THEM. I fell in love with their message of loving ourselves, speaking our truths, of not trying to meet anyone else’s expectations, to do what makes YOU happy. They are so engaged, humble, gracious, and kind. They’re funny and dorky. They’re reflective and intellectual. They’re driven and talented.

Yes, they’re a “boy band.” Yes, they dance and wear ‘costumes.’ But these boys also write and produce their own stuff (with others as well…but still—active participants!) and always sing live. They give 110% for a minimum of two hours-even to the point of getting sick/passing out/injuring themselves.

And the fan base!! Holy mother! Sure I feel a little isolated here in small town MN in my love for these boys (aside from my kid, my cousin’s kid, and a few friends of theirs) but the fan base is MASSIVE. And incredibly welcoming (for the most part). There’s drama of course—I mean, there are at least 20 million of us. But it’s pretty easy to stay out of and find people to connect with. It’s one thing to know there’s a network of us online… it’s a completely different thing to experience it.

Which, I guess, brings me to this past weekend. After a roughly 8 hour drive, we arrived in Chicago. Right away, the streets were sprinkled with ARMIES—BTS and BT21 gear proudly worn and displayed. A sense of belonging and home seeped in. And that’s not a new sensation for me, as I’ve felt that every time I went to Tulsa, or Back To The Island or any other Hanson event/show. It’s a beautiful feeling. We got checked in and decided to head to Soldier Field as the merch lines were already open and apparently essentially non-existent. The field area had a small number of ARMY milling about, nothing too crazy. We stopped and took a picture of a few BTS banners, then found the merch area. And yeah, after less than a half hour later we were at the front of the line, mostly certain of our merch choices. I pretty much wanted it all, but had to limit myself. We wandered a bit more, and that’s when it finally started to sink in…I was in the same city as seven men who had altered my emotional well being over the last 10-11 months, I would be seeing them LIVE in around 12 hours. I was quickly overwhelmed and started to cry. It feels somewhat embarrassing to say, and I don’t even fully understand what it was that overwhelmed me so much. The rest of the evening was pretty chill—grabbed some dinner and mentally tried to prepare ourselves for the next day.

The next day we went back down to Soldier field—equipped with layers and an umbrella because the weather was turning cold and rainy. When we arrived we knew we made the right call by going to get merch the afternoon before because the merch line was RIDICULOUS – we’re talking thousands of people in line. There were multiple merch locations—all with the same size lines! But we wanted to get pictures done at the BTS Studio – a very neat little booth where you get to “interact” with one of the guys via a sort of hologram like thing, but the pictures turn out so freaking legit I was dying to get one. ….however….BigHit/Mattel (I don’t know who made this call..but!) cut off the general line after we waited for two hours. There were at least a couple hundred more behind us waiting, as well as about a hundred in front of us, and there were five hours left before doors opened to the stadium so it literally made ZERO sense to cut the line. BTS SOLD OUT Soldier Field (roughly 70,000 seats) and they only allowed 250 general people into the studio (there were more QR holders—which tons of ARMY tried for an only a few got) … it was a disaster. I suppose I would have been less angry had it not been so ungodly COLD out. We certainly did not plan for 40 degree weather in MAY.

We decided to hop an Uber and go back to the hotel until showtime. After lunch we drove downtown to check out the BTS Pop-up Store situation, and then made a quick decision to avoid that line as it literally wrapped around an entire downtown Chicago city block – INSANE—but beautiful. So, back to the hotel. The weather was not clearing up, and I was starting to worry about the show—both for our comfort but also and more importantly the guys’ safety. Wet stages are slippery and these boys don’t hold back, the risk of injury was high. So, we joked and tweeted a bit about how Yoongi (Suga) needed to say out loud that he wanted the rain to stop and skies to clear because anything Yoongi says out loud tends to happen – saying he wanted BTS to win daesangs (Korean absolute top awards – they now have 15 from 2016 to 2018) saying he wanted to go to the Grammys (and they presented at this year’s Grammy Awards) saying he wanted Billboard top 200 (done) Billboard top 100 (done) A Billboard Music Award (done x4 – three top social artist and this years top group award). So we called on Yoongi to say he didn’t want the rain… and while the boys may have said it was the power of ARMY that cleared the skies I still say it was Yoongi.

When we got into the venue another rush of realization hit me when I saw how CLOSE to the stage we were. I may have missed out on the VIP tickets (thanks to the stupid ticketmaster app freezing on my phone) but level 100 was INCREDIBLE. Absolutely astounding really. We got our ARMY Bombs paired to our seats and then waited. They play music videos while we wait, and it was amusing to have fans scream for those as well – and indicative of how insane it was going to be once all the fans were in and seated because it was loud even with just around a few thousand inside. My brain still couldn’t quite comprehend that I was about to see BTS live, that I was as close as I was, and that it wasn’t a dream.

The thing about it is…once it started, I had no idea what to do. Do I watch the stage, do I watch the screen, do I not try to capture any video or pictures and just dance, sing, and scream? I tried to do all of those options, but I still feel like I missed so much. I feel like it all went so quickly.

They opened with DIONYSUS – from their new album Map of the Soul: Persona. A heavy hitting, party-anthem type song. A great opener to get the crowd hyped up (as if we needed the help) The pyrotechnics warmed it up a bit when they went off (holy shit we really were close!) The stage was amazing! Large silver leopards behind them, Greek pillars adorning the sides…totally fitting of Dionysus.

They transitioned straight into NOT TODAY—another heavy hitter for bass, power, and intense choreo. Theses guys BURST into their stage presence, taking no prisoners and leaving us all breathless and trembling. The sensation of hearing tens of thousands of other fans screaming with you, singing with you, and doing fan chants for the guys…well, that’s a feeling I’ve never felt before.

My first round of tears started when they did their introductions/welcome speeches. Let’s be honest, I’m Jimin biased through and through. He will always hold the biggest part of my heart out of the seven. And, honestly, I thought he was the most beautiful being I’d ever seen…but to see him in person…holy mother, there is no comparing it. He’s absolutely ethereal. An angel just walking among us. But each of their moments touched me, made me smile or laugh or just bask in the feel of love they send to us. And then…WINGS. I was so excited to know that they were performing Wings as it’s one of my favorite songs and I worried I’d never hear it live since it’s an older one. My teary-eyed state did not go away once they started it, even though it’s an upbeat song. There’s just something about BTS singing about facing fears and chasing dreams, having their wings spread and taking them to where they want to go…feeling that it was the work of ARMY helping them get there…but I know for a fact that ARMY also feel that BTS are our wings too—the way we feel encouraged and empowered to live authentically and without apology, to chase dreams and find our passions.

A small break and then we got J-Hope’s solo JUST DANCE Hobi is a great entertainer, clearly loves the stage and his passion for dance is legitimately felt through the entire stadium. After J-Hope we got an iconic performance of EUPHORIA by Jungkook. Kookie is stunning! Absolutely beautiful. He goes from adorable baby bunny to professional rockstar in half a second. His vocals are solid and his choreo locked down. But who thought up the crazy idea of hanging onto a giant hook-like-thing and just soaring over the crowd on a cable!? My mama bear heart struggled with that, fam. But he did great and seems to really enjoy it so we’ll let it pass.

BEST OF ME!! Ugh, another song I was DESPERATE to hear live and worried I never would. A stellar performance! The energy was still high with them and us, everyone singing along and dancing. So many of their songs are “one of my favorites” but this one definitely is. And I was GIDDY hearing it live. And yes, the answer call between Jimin and Jungkook was a highlight.

Clear the stage, play a quick video… and then… SERENDIPITY. This experience STILL feels like it didn’t happen. Jimin singing live… wow… just… I lack words to express Jimin and his performance. His choreography is always some of the most intricate and demanding and yet he does it flawlessly while maintaining his angelic vocals. He didn’t get the title main dancer by chance. The level of professionalism is incredible. You can tell he feels so loved by ARMY, his smile is so genuine and gracious as he’s absorbing all our cheering and screaming…and yeah, maybe a little bit of sobbing. He’s a soft, sweet person and an absolute powerhouse on stage—even with a ballad such as Serendipity.

And then RM brings us back up in energy with his solo LOVE. They’re all great performers, and RM is no exception. It’s hard to capture a good picture of him because he’s constantly moving on the stage, making rounds to every corner. Another beautiful moment to be chanting “salam salam salam (person person person) and salang salang salang (love love love)” with tens of thousands of fans… it’s quite overwhelming.

BOY WITH LUV is like a blur for me. They all looked AMAZING. I loved the mix of pink and blue clothing. I probably missed a ton of moments through that song because my brain short circuited, I tried to get some pictures but the movement is so constant that not many of them turned out. Strong vocals, a ton of fun together, an all around great performance.

�� From the newest to some old school – DOPE followed Boy With Luv. I love the energy and power in Dope. I also loved the cute little moment I got on video between Jimin and Jungkook. Dope blended into BAEPSAE and FIRE … this medley is INSANE. I LOVE watching the guys freestyle their dancing and then effortlessly joining formation and nailing the song’s choreography. It’s stupidly impressive. JHope jumped out and attacked us all with some power dancing and then the dreaded/desired hip thrusting.

I got absolutely zero pictures or video from IDOL because I was so enraptured by them on stage. I couldn’t take my eyes off them. It was pretty neat as Idol faded out, they went back to the top of the stage then went full in to the Idol choreography again. Like a second dance break when it appeared the song was over. Another small break and then Tae (V) comes out in pajamas on a freaking bed. The crowd lost their minds. It was a stunning performance of SINGULARITY, and I’m really hoping I can find video of the small dance break he has in it where he flung off the jacket. Sometimes Tae fades a little into the background but this performance wasn’t one of those times.

After Singularity we got a seamless transition into FAKE LOVE—another song I have zero pics or video from because the whole thing was an experience. Seriously. Damn. From the strong, solid vocals to the hard hitting, precise choreo, to the passionate fan chants…Fake Love was perfection. …And do I really need to mention Jungkook’s abs? Oofta. I was utterly enraptured by this performance. Also, since Fake Love was the comeback I came into the fandom during, it holds a unique place in my heart.

I don’t remember Fake Love ending, but I do remember the next song starting. SEESAW. Shit. Again, I shall remind you that Jimin is by bias—always has been always will be. But I’d be a bold-faced LIAR if I tried to say that Yoongi isn’t the most amazing performer I’ve ever seen. They are all phenomenal. But Yoongi has something extra. Something you don’t expect from him. He often flies a little under the radar, not often the highlight of red-carpet appearances or interviews, fairly soft-spoken. But when he hits the stage—watch out! Min Yoongi was BORN to be on stage. Even with a softer song, and less intense choreography Suga owns it. He commands all attention. He’s claimed in the past that he can’t “sing”, since he’s a rapper, but Seesaw (and First Love—his solo from Wings) prove otherwise. Gorgeous. I was speechless, and a bit teary watching him.

And if I wasn’t already an emotional mess by then, Jin gets the stage to perform EPIPHANY. Oh my heart!! This was a song that when I first heard it, my heart and soul KNEW it was intense and it touched me instantly. And then, when I listened again with subs/lyrics I had a little bit of an emotional breakdown. Epiphany live was like the first time all over again. And to be surrounded by tens of thousands of other fans singing “I’m the one I should love…” Well, cue me crying. A message of needing to love yourself before being able to find love with anyone else…well that’s a message we all need to take to heart. A stellar performance. An emotional experience.

But then! Then you know what they did!? When we’re already emotional hot messes? They go into THE TRUTH UNTOLD. Whhyyyy!? Why would you do that to us!? The Truth Untold is a transcendent song, no way around it. A song about feelings of inadequacy, of being rejected if people knew who we really were, hiding behind masks because we’re so afraid… God, just rip out my heart. And our dear vocal line (Jimin, Jungkook, Jin, and Tae) were so lovely and beautiful and somber. The song has no choreo, no fancy stages… just four guys singing their absolute hearts out.

Cue the rap line (Suga, RM, and JHope) coming to pull us from our emotional state with OUTRO: TEAR. Oh lord, as it started there was a woman the row behind us who asked her friend, “what song is this?” and her friend was so offended! She screamed, “Tear, bitch!” It was slightly hilarious. All three rappers dominate the stage, and having never been to a live rap show before, I gotta say the ability to maintain the flow at the speed they do is impressive. TEAR flowed into MIC DROP and ooooooh how I lost my mind! MIC DROP was the song that really got me to jump into the BTS scene head first. It’s always been a favorite, will always be a favorite. I tried to get video, but I couldn’t stop dancing so it’s pretty bad video. (also, no one wants to hear my horrible voice fan chanting and singing along) The choreography to MIC DROP kills me. The choreo (and the song itself) just screams “we’re badass and we have no apologies” so get on board or get the hell out.

A small pause so that they could set up the guys’ giant Anpanman bounce house! ANPANMAN has always been a fun song and a great live performance, but it hit a new level when you get to watch the guys play on a giant bounce house. It’s easy to forget how young they all are and how much of their youth they kind of missed out on as they chased this dream. I mean, Jungkookie is only 21 now, was 15 when they debuted. Jin, the oldest is only 26 and was 20 at debut. They lost a lot of freedom and playful years as they trained for debut. It’s freaking adorable to watch them play on stage. Even cuter when Yoongi goes from savage rapper in MIC DROP to soft and playful on the inflatable. Jungkook chased Jimin to the top, did a little dance and then they slid down (JK after Jimin though I think he had wanted to go down together)

Anpanman transitions into SO WHAT which is truly a sight to see. No set choreo, just the guys dancing along every last inch of the stage to spread their love to everyone in the stadium. Playful moments, a lot of laughter. It’s BTS being authentically them. And I love it.

We all got a bit emotional during the closing speeches. Jin being classic Jin and screaming AARRRMMMYYYY at us, “today is so cold, you know…thank you for coming out today even though it’s cold and rainy, I’d like to hug you with my warm heart” (and he hugs JK) “I actually really hate being cold, I was so happy though because I was with you, Army. I LOVE YOU ARMY!!” Jimin showing us how floored he was by our presence, soaking in our cheers—eyes wide and smile bright. “I’m so so happy today. But! I hope you guys don’t catch a cold.” He then essentially points a finger at us, daring our immune systems to go against his wishes. (the screams overtake the next part of his speech so I’m not positive as to what he said) Jimin always finishes with “I love you” and lots of hearts. Jungkook and his adorable bunny smile, acted shy when it was his turn. He starts with “…It’s been awhile. I know it’s was rainy and cold, rainy and chilly…but you warmed my heart. I hope you also felt warm energy from us. One more thing, please, don’t catch a cold. Alright? See you all again!” Suga – commanding the stage once again. “Chicago make some noise! I heard it’s actually really cold in Chicago but I didn’t know it was going to be this cold. But because of you Army, you guys melted this place. Chicago make some noise! Today’s going to be such an unforgettable day. Thank you so much for coming out today, see you tomorrow!” JHope: “My lovely Chicago!! Did we have fun today? Since it was raining hard, and cold, I was worried for you all. However, as I was watching all of you, having fun, with your smiles on your face, my worries disappeared and I gained my power back. Army, you guys are my hope, you’re my hope, thank you so much Army Chicago, see you tomorrow.” Tae: “How you feeling Chicago? Make some noise. A few days ago I had a dream about chasing some stars and this scenery was exactly my dream. I really wanted to chase and make sure to grab a star. I want to keep this scenery forever (Tae fooled me and I thought his speech was over so my video stopped)…ssshhhh…we will come again next year!” RM: (gets bundled up by Tae, fans chant KIM NAMJOON) “My parents are gonna love this.” (in response to the chanting) “Guys, welcome to the first BTS winter concert. You might catch a cold, it’s freezing but whatever, it’s special right!? It’s fresh. It’s Chicago. Is the weather a serious problem for us? So right before we get onto the stage, like during the sound check, um while we were coming to the stage it was raining a lot and like these friends and every staff were so worried that it was raining and maybe we might do the little dance not very good, so we were worried, but I told them ‘don’t worry Chicago army is going to stop the rain.’ And you guys did! Seriously you guys gave us a miracle and I love this special weather in Chicago. So when the snow comes in Korea I’ll definitely think of Chicago. …”

And then they came right for my heart and soul performing MAKE IT RIGHT and MIKROKOSMOS. Two of my absolute favorite songs off the new album. Sweet, personal, emotional. And the realization that this euphoric experience was coming to an end and I started to lose my composure during MIKROKOSMOS. “Shine, dream, smile” …always for you boys, always for you.

It was around this time that Jimin stood at the corner of the stage facing my section and started to blow kisses. And I teared up because somehow, in a crowd of thousands of people the way Jimin sends his love into the crowd every last one of us feels like the ONLY one of us at that moment in time. You just FEEL the pure love emanating from him...and it’s a feeling unlike any other. A feeling I’ll never forget.

I still don’t think, almost 4000 words later, that I’ve even scrapped the surface of how incredible that night was for me. How touched I was not just by the band, but by being surrounded by thousands upon thousands of people of all ages, races, nationalities, sexual orientations, classes, genders who love them just as much as I do. BTS is so much more than seven beautiful men who dance well. BTS is connection and love. BTS is inspiration and encouragement. BTS isn’t a phase, they’re making an impact far beyond what anyone imagined. Music with a message? It’s been far too long since we’ve had that. BTS is like a long drink of fresh water after being stranded in a desert.

BTS – Seven lights in an otherwise dreary and sad world, reminding us to find our own lights and share it with the world.

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girl4music · 7 years ago

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Grasping on to ‘Who am I?’/Dissolving of self/Letting go

"Who am I?" is the one question all should be asking themself. Because in the all there is the 'I'. And therefore in the 'I', there must also be the all. "I am nothing" is one of the most powerful and motivational sentences I can ever say about myself. Because what I mean by it is not that I am meaningless. It's that I am above all prior meaning and that I create the meaning that I am. What is it to mean anything? In that, I am nothing. Dissolving of self cannot be done. If you are aware, you are self. You cannot be anything but self. The real point to this philosophy of dissolving the self is to realize that you are no specific thing. You are all things and all things are you. You don't become awareness because that is already what you are. This must be understood. The belief of “spirituality”, at least in common Western understanding, is that you "become" something. You don't. You realize it. It is a realization. An enlightenment. Not a transformation. However, through this enlightenment, you can have many transformations. Only you now understand that they were, are and will be you. Always. So therefore dissolving the self is to take the "me" out of self. Or what it referred to as "ego". There is no "me" to which belongs to anything or has anything to belong to. Everyone is "I". No one is "me". That may seem like a contradiction but this is what this enlightenment brings to you when you have this realization. There is suddenly this overwhelming sense that “John from 64 Zoo Lane” does not exist. And how you perceive that sensation or feeling depends to how solidly you are attached to this 'I' of which you believe has a specific identity. A “me-ness” to it. It can drive you mad or it can liberate you. You'll eventually realize madness and liberation is one in the same. Just as everything is one in the same with many different expressions. You can be tied to the “ego”. Or you can be freed by it. It's you that makes the decision. If you've already had the revelation that you as you think you are does not exist, you've awakened. You can't go back into this state of sleepiness. You can feign it. You can pretend to be what you're not. But there is now this knowing in the back of your mind that you are God playing a role. But don’t get your head in the clouds with it. You can live what is considered a "normal" life while knowing this. Many ascended masters still buy and eat eggs. Nothing in reality changes other than the perspective of it. To you it will feel like everything has changed until you come to a second revelation that the first one doesn't matter. You come back down to Earth with a greater understanding that you are where you should and need to be right here and now. Don't get lost in the idealism of it all. Don't believe the hype. If you suddenly wake up with this overwhelming sense that you are God, forget about it and eat your eggs. Because the fact is... if you are God, so is everything else that lives and breathes and has an awareness. Even if it is not the same as yours. There are people that wake up and have this sudden sense that they are the almighty God and they can do their wonders and nobody else can. If that happens, you've missed the point to the lesson. Come back down to Earth because you can’t do anything while up in the ethers and with this belief that you are the creator of all.

Creativity only comes from me when called upon in the moment. It cannot be forced to happen at any specific time or place. Spontaneity is how this machine runs. Planning ahead is something I cannot do unless I feel it is necessary. I fall into the category of contradiction pretty much everywhere. I am a leader but can't plan. I am an analyzer but can't label. I am a talker but get tongue tied in my words. And probably the biggest contradiction of all. I am spiritual yet rely on logic and fact. Something is amiss in me and I feel it. I also feel observing and listening is the answer to finding this missing piece within me. I am someone who sits in the silence and yet cannot be still. My mind buzzes with thought and information a mile a minute. Every spark of intellect is like a lightning bolt to my body. I am constantly having epiphanies. Revelations beyond comprehension. Beyond my ability to grasp it. And it seems to be coming from absolutely nowhere. Not true of course. It comes from everywhere but it is in the space of everywhere. Of non-location. I have a brain but I never think it is the same as the mind. That all awareness and information comes from it and is within it. If we receive insight or enlightenment, it is not in the brain and it is not in the mind. It is everywhere where there is nothingness. In the empty space. In the void. And we think of this “empty space” as exactly that. Empty. But it is not empty at all. It is teeming with activity. And why we can't see it answers itself. It's too close to be noticed. It is us. Trying to notice it and grasp on to it would be like trying to bite your teeth. See your eyes. Hear your ears. Feel your sensations. Think your thoughts. It is too close. So instead of trying to hold on to it. Let go.

The energy of the body is the energy that seemingly projects outside of it, so the soul is said to reside in the body. But it's the other way around. So if the body is in the soul... then the brain is in the mind. Everything you cannot grasp on to is who you truly are. That's why the question "Who am I?" cannot be answered. The best you can do to try to answer it is "I am". There is a self that resides in the here. There is a self that resides in the now. Non-awareness is graspable. Awareness is not. Yet again, a contradiction given the way we are taught that it is the opposite. That everything we are aware of is comprehensible and what we are not aware of is not. Well... this is not logical when you really think it through. If you are not aware of something, of course is it comprehensible. That's how you become aware of it. Anything that you are aware of cannot be comprehensible. Why? Because it’s already comprehended. So who you are is awareness. This is why you are not comprehensible. This is why you cannot grasp on to yourself no matter how hard you try. You are already one with yourself. If you ask the question, you are immediately given the answer. But the reason why you do not notice it is because you think it needs to be answered. It does not. It is already answered by being non-answerable. If something does not have an answer to it, it does not need to be questioned. However, to know that it does not have an answer, you have to first ask the question. This is why when we pray to God we do not receive an audible answer. There is only silence. In that silence is the answer. Learn to listen to silence. In the silence is the answer to anything we ever truly need to know. And although it doesn't need to be questioned because there is no one specific answer, asking the questions are the only way you're going to know that. And "Who am I?" is the greatest question of all to ask for this reason. It does not have an answer because it does not need to be answered. It already is.

Creativity and art is the best way of realizing this. Because it is in creating art that tells you that everything does not have a name or a definition or even a meaning to it. Until you give it one. In the manifestation of art lies the truth to creation. How anything ever happens or comes to be. It is created. However, we miss the point when it comes to God because God is never NOT creating. God creates. And yes, destruction is included as creation too. It’s just the other side of creation. A good metaphor I can give for this is when the force of a wave smashes into the shoreline and hits a rockface, the rock yields and gives way. That is creation manifesting itself through evolution. That is what God does. Silently and inconspicuously, unless an awareness pays attention to it. The conception and birth of a child is the creation of God. Not just the miracle but also the manifestation. Creation is everywhere. God is everywhere. We don’t notice this because we're constantly trying to see something our eyes observe naturally. Slow down. Listen to silence. Pay attention. I always liken life to a painting and we’re the artist of that painting while simultaneously being the painting. Instead of focusing on the centerpiece all the time, try focusing on the background. Then notice how the two play together to become of one entity. Or vice versa. Disconnect to become dual. You already know yourself to be a manifestation of God. The creation. The part of you that you don't know is the creator. God itself. And you don't know it because it is too close to be known. To be noticeable. To be comprehensible. To be graspable. To grasp on to anything that isn't graspable, you do the opposite. You let go. It will come to you. Why can a wave smash into a rockface? What's the force that allows that to happen? The rock gives way. It has to yield. The weak force is happening along with the strong force. So in the same way, when something is forcing you, some kind of energy. Let it. Give way. Yield. Let go. There's more power in doing that than forcing back. The game of tug of war is only won when one side lets go.

When you know this. You know truth. You know creation. You know God. Just let go. That's my final sentiment to this piece of writing. Let go.

#self-awareness #spirituality #the tao #lao tzu #enlightenment #awareness #creativity #god #dissolving of self #letting go #who am i

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kyunnwon · 7 years ago

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The story of how I ult-bias a whole group of seven men.

(”keep reading” format because I describe why I bias all 7 in like 12 paragraphs and it’s long as fuck)

Before I truly got into Monsta X (music videos and “funny moments” videos were all I watched), I had chosen Jooheon as my bias. I thought he stood out the most to me. I loved his face, his dimples and chubby cheeks. I loved how energetic and bad-ass he was in music videos, I loved his intimidating stage presence that completely contrasts from his charming and adorable personality. I didn’t often pay as much attention to the other members than I did him. (There was even a point at which I was calling Kihyun and Minhyuk by each-other’s names)

Then fell deeper and started watching all of their dance practices, even all of their “focus cam” ones. By then I was able to learn all of their names and was fully stanning. I watched all of Right Now and X-Ray, watched live performances constantly. Listened to almost every song they’ve made, including covers. In the midst of all this, I began noticing just how incredible all of them were.

(I watched No Mercy and DeokspatchX recently too. I knew it was out of order but I had been avoiding No Mercy like the plague because I didn’t want to see them treat eachother badly lol. But it was a good decision because it helped me understand how they got to where they are today.)

After finally realizing how amazing each of them were (mind you this was a good month ago), I dropped solo biasing Jooheon and began to love all of them equally.

Jooheon still for those previously listed qualities, but now also because of his immense talent and emotion. How dedicated he is, how much he puts into dance and rap. He’s not a born dancer but he’s for sure what one would call a choreography king, where his movements aren’t that of a natural dancer but are of one who puts their all into what they’ve learned and turns it into art. Not to mention his singing, oh my god when he sings. He’s literally the whole package of talent from rap, to vocals, to dance, to lyrics (and visuals!!!!). He was always a prodigy and would still be widely known even if he wasn’t in Monsta X. Also; how skittish he is, it’s so precious!

Kihyun, because I fell in love with his voice before I even knew who he was. I remember watching a clip in a kpop vines video of Kihyun singing during their first comeback VLive. It literally gave me goosebumps and I needed to hear more, you can’t believe how beside myself with joy I was when I found out who it was and the song he was singing. His strong voice that shakes me to my bones, during his first No Mercy performance, I was brought to tears and near sobbing because of how beautifully he sang. His confidence is incredible and how surprisingly sexy he can be despite his cute appearance. His sharp features and an infectious laugh that brings out his uniquely placed dimples on the apples of his cheeks. How he really is naggy and seems picky, it’s funny how everyone picks on him for it, he really is like a mom figure. How he’s basically the shortest but makes up for it in desirable presence.

Wonho, because of his amazing duality. How he appears as manly and ridiculously sexy but in reality, he’s a soft goofy boy that’s scared of more things than you’d expect. His dopey laugh+wide smile is my favorite, and his adorably large ears. His voice is nice too, it’s unique, sounds like he’s always singing in head-voice no matter the note he’s hitting. How well he dances with his large stature. How he bullies everyone and acts cute. How he’s just a buff baby boy that needs protection, love, and attention. How much he cares for his band mates and it shows when he talks about them, like when he accepted Kihyun into his and Minhyuk’s unit because the other 2 units (Jooheon/Shownu, Hyungwon/I.M) turned Kihyun down and he didn’t want to be alone. Wonho adjusted the performance to allow a 3rd. And a certain segment during No Mercy, where he talks about him and his mom living in such a small place, how it brought him to tears talking about how much he wants to support his family. Despite his tough look, he’s a sensitive angel.

I.M. because of his attitude. He’s cool, but he’s also silly and loud, I love how he just yells a lot. His wonderfully (and sinfully) deep voice when he speaks, how it turns an octave lower when he speaks in English. His cat-like eyes, acne scars, and sharp lips that make his face so easily distinguishable. I also love that he has a couple tattoos, like the cute tiny little “ : ( : “ on his hand. The way he raps too, much more tame than Jooheon’s, but that’s the good part. It’s always chill no matter how fast he raps or how hype the song he is. How he’s a talented dancer and puts so much effort into his movements, and although not seemingly a born-dancer, he’s definitely a choreography-king as well. Also how he’s almost always shoving food into one of his bandmates’ mouths.

Minhyuk, he is truly something else. His bubbly, sassy personality. How affectionate he is with everyone, how much he loves and his wonderful bright smile. His deep voice when he speaks with that hint of rasp in it, it’s so lovely. And when he sings, he sounds so amazingly sweet and soft. But also his overflowing amounts of feminine charm, how he just gives you the feeling that the word “sexy” was entirely created for him to own, how his existence just screams dominance and begs for everyone’s attention.

Shownu, because cuddly bear <3 He’s just so lovely. How he seems aloof and emotionless but really is just a big ol’ goofball. How he really does give off dad vibes, how he seems like a manly guy, which he is, but he’s also truly sweet and cute. It’s also great when he bullies his members because it shows how he can be child-like too. And god, his honey-like voice when he sings, his first performance during No Mercy was incredible, it had me fully respecting him as a vocalist. How he’s so very clearly a born-dancer and can make any choreography his. Another one that screams sexy and tough but is really sensitive and adorable

Last but definitely nowhere near least, Hyungwon. I feel like I shouldn’t even start because I might not stop. Honestly if I could actually choose a bias in MX again it would 100% be Hyungwon. But we all know how that would go. He’s just so beautiful, like the epitome of pretty. His beautiful full lips, cute cheeks and puffy eyes. Just a whole cute face in general and it’s even better when he smiles, he’s got such a contagious smile my heart flutters. How he also in a way seems like a cat, how he’s kind of shameless but also not and just does what he wants. His tall, lanky build and how his visuals always give off this ethereal vibe, how he’s obviously another born-dancer, not as explicitly as Shownu, yet everything just seems to come natural to him like his build lets his moves come out more smoothly. His voice is beautiful too, so soft and pretty like him, and the way he sings is so nice to watch, during their live performance of Myself on their 2nd Comeback VLive I couldn’t keep my eyes off him any time he was visible. Everything about him screams sultry and dominance when he’s performing, a presence that makes you weak in the knees, but on the inside he’s just a sleepy kitten that memes way too much.

Basically, all of them with everything they do are constantly bias wrecking me even though I bias all of them. I couldn’t even describe everything I want to because it’s all just a jumble of adoration in my brain and I can barely understand any of it. It’s a never ending cycle and I’ll tell you it’s also exhausting constantly being attacked by their existences. All 7 of them and their music truly makes me happy, they’re a group with over-flowing talent, charm, and beauty. I’m glad I caught them on just their 3rd year of being a group because that means there will more-than-likely be many more albums and comebacks to witness as a Monbebe.

#Monsta X #personal sorta but you can interact anyway #i love my boys honestly who's with me

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frontporchlit · 8 years ago

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FPJ Blog Post: “Change”

This summer I visited the northwest for two months, primarily to help my father build a house. My parents had left their beloved firstborn (me) in Texas whilst traversing the country during my first semester of undergrad, finally settling in Astoria, Oregon—home of Kindergarten Cop and The Goonies, both which are displayed proudly on an isolated shelf in the town’s very own VCR / DVD rental store. Having seen neither of these films, I was at a loss to understand the community’s prime hype.

So, without any peers in the area whatsoever, it was just me and my 34 pound suitcase of books. I set to work on such procrastinated novels as Catch-22, The Grapes of Wrath, and Dead Souls (from this list you might be able to infer that I felt desolately trapped in labor).

This geographical change rocked my mental equilibrium, to say the least. Replacing my morning novel with a hammer really nailed the point home that I wooden’t have much time nor energy for leisurely cogitations of philosophical type (but time enough for puns, always). Furthermore, in Oregon, remote and cut-off from the usual stimuli found in an adventurous young adult’s lifestyle (such as daring to buy groceries before checking bank balances and whatnot), my days blended into a blur of moderate temperature and sawdust—a stagnation subduing youthful frivolousness.

And then, I noticed my poetry appeared a tad stale. Though metaphors and alliteration still rippled stanzas like the nearby Columbia River, the content was bereft of connection to life. Instead of drawing from happenings and feelings actually present, I was purely fabricating circumstances with only surface meaning. I was lying lyrically.

Any dedicated individual keen on their passion ardently practices and perfects it in order to accustom the art into muscle memory; I had grown used to the catharsis of having an inner turmoil expressed and quelled through the act of writing, but what happens when you have nothing to expel? Do you conclude your run of ‘being an artist’ with the current lack of production? Does an artist need the validation of output in order to say, “yes, I made this, now I am a justified in my niche?”

Remembering when a professor of mine once deftly pointed at a line in an Anne Sexton poem to declare, “that’s BS”—meaning that the acclaimed poet’s voice was noticeably incongruent in its integrity—I panicked. Would my insincerity of verse likewise be this transparent?

The aforementioned professor had also once articulated a guide for eliciting more authenticity during writing processes: notice the contrast between what you may have to say (i.e., what pretty words may be stored in that visionary brain of yours) and what you HAVE to say (i.e., what must be let loose of its storage to be recognized, felt, made tangible).

Accordingly, I began to filter my thoughts before they materialized on the page. But I realized there was not anything that I did HAVE to say. And so, as I believe an emotional and bona fide fervor should be the undercurrent and movement of any writing which is expected to have a lasted influence on author and audience alike, I said nothing.

Thus, my decision to take a sabbatical from my daily writing was, effectually, a chance to breathe and experience moments without the bedeviling voice which nags how do I transcribe this? Though transition included side-effects of tingling extremities and tumultuous thoughts, I felt more at ease to merely read and absorb my surroundings, rather than rushing to put-out works and contributions of my own.

Meanwhile, in my hands was Jack Kerouac’s Lonesome Traveller, opened to chapter six: “Alone on a Mountaintop.” Already enamored with the Beat Generation of the 50’s and 60’s, I knew much comfort in this prolific author whose unsettled, dazzling unconsciousness, laid bare in his prose and poetry, inevitably sparks my latent juices into creativity time and again. And, like magic, I stumbled upon this:

“No man should go through life without once experiencing healthy, even bored solitude in the wilderness, finding himself depending solely on himself and thereby learning his true and hidden strength.”

Well, needless to note, I unhesitatingly stepped outside into the blooming breeze of foxglove and pine. Inhaled. Exhaled.

Closed off senses.

Unbeknownst to me before the spontaneous exploration of our overgrown backyard, there is a labyrinth of long trails covering miles of moist moss, fierce forest, and lush leafage. Taking the above excerpt to heart, I wandered about my “paths of solitude” for hours, practicing mindfulness for an erased mental slate. My attempt at being a lonesome traveller subsequently resulted in knotted-green hair and an unknotted, zen-like spirit.

Unfortunately, though penetrating deep enough to become so severely lost that law enforcement had to be notified on one outing, my trip ended before I was able to traverse the extent of all the routes. Currently back in San Marcos just weeks before the start of my Masters in Poetry program, I have been gradually reintroducing the art of composition into my daily habit—the difference being, now, that I acutely feel weight and import of what I record, having not recorded in so long.

Inertia, or the property of an object to stay in motion / rest until an external force coerces change, has both aided my abundant output before and stifled the beginnings of such. Learning how to take agency against the natural tendency to continue a uniform life is what will distinguish a person’s art by showcasing that intrinsic power. It is a deep power, to say, “no, I will commence, or cease, when I alone please.”

That being said, appreciating the exact moment being lived, instead of constantly waiting for future happenings, heightens one’s sense of self, being thus fully involved in the physical form of now and not in the ethereal shimmer of “sometime.”

I close with another Kerouac quote from the same passage:

“Yes, so to try to attain to Nirvana when you're already there, to attain to the top of a mountain when you're already there and only have to stay - thus, to stay in the Nirvana Bliss, is all I have to do, you have to do, no effort, no path really, no discipline but just to know that all is empty and awake, a Vision and a Movie in God's Universal Mind (Alaya-Vijnana) and to stay more or less wisely in that.- Because silence itself is the sound of diamonds which can cut through anything, the sound of Holy Emptiness, the sound of extinction and bliss, that graveyard silence which is like the silence of an infant's smile, the sound of eternity, of the blessedness surely to be believed, the sound of nothing-ever-happened-except-God.”

Do not worry, then, about change, for the mind and body have their ways of equalizing the chaos of natural occurrences. Some days have slots for your impact and voice, as a harmony awaiting your counterpart and choral idiosyncrasies. Some days are charged with a current which drags its suspect along a tremendous path, so that the latter may absorb and be humbled by a wildness that might be inadvertently shunned when we are inwardly centralized. Whatever the ebb or flow, learn how to feel where movement is naturally occurring, and, by stepping into that spring, bathe.

Emily Ellison is a MFA Creative Writing Candidate at Texas State University. As a poet, she revels in the art of word play, though her friends would rather her puns and double entendres not interrupt their dinner parties. Emily, currently working on several collections of verse, aspires to be a professor of English so that her years of bookish isolation will finally have paid off.

#catch22 #grapesofwrath #family #change #movement #nature #oregon #books #bibliophile #writing #writingprocess #poetry #annesexton #authentic #original blog post #originalpost #jack kerouac

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pervasivethrenody · 6 years ago

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McShep Sims 3: I Once Was Lost (1/3)

(I had to scroll way the hell back to find the last part, but here it is, if you want a refresher: https://pervasivethrenody.tumblr.com/post/183929883226/mcshep-sims-3-come-mr-frodo-he-cried-i

I apologize for any confusing plot points, continuity goofs, grammatical errors, or disappointments. I didn’t hype it on purpose. I wrestled with the damn thing for months. I can do no more. Sic transit.)

***

Life goes on, fucked-up and messy.

There's a long, long hearing in which Rodney tells the brass, with carefully chosen words, everything they don't need to know and nothing that they do. It helps that his story is backed up by complete fact: They can't get a lock on the Atlantis address. It's as dead and gone as if it had never been there in the first place.

He was worried they were going to make a scapegoat of him, but in the end, there's nothing for them to pin it on. The chevron simply doesn't lock. Nobody can find evidence of tampering. End of story. Literally and figuratively.

The expedition disbands, evaporates back to ether, the nothing it came from: an idea, a pipe dream, a flicker of hope. All that remains of years and work and planning, humanity’s collective dream of ten thousand years, is the paper it was printed on--and an abandoned control chair, quietly slumbering in a frostbitten land at the end of the world.

John gets drafted to lead an SG team.

Rodney doesn't make the cut. Didn't expect to.

He knows why. This isn't Atlantis, there's no shortage of qualified candidates, and, most importantly, John doesn't call the shots here: the only reason Rodney ever got a chance at all. Nobody in their right mind would put Rodney on a gate team. Possibly not even Rodney himself.

Not that any of that makes it better. It's dangerous. What if John needs his skills? They've saved each other so many times; without his help John could die out there--

That's where he forces himself to stop thinking about it.

Realistically, being off-world is probably safer than being deployed anywhere on this world.

Muggings, terrorist attacks, mass shootings, the statistics on vehicular accidents--

--okay, it’s a work in progress.

About the time he thinks he's succeeded at least in freaking out less, he opens his e-mail and finds a high-priority message in his inbox: notice of transfer to Area 51, effective immediately.

He slams the laptop shut wishing he had a paper to rip to shreds and throw in their faces while screaming you can't tell me what to do, you can't fire me; I quit except they can tell him what to do, if he wants a job, and he can't quit, not if he wants to see John ever, at all.

He goes and finds John to scream at instead, who takes it in with a stunned look, lets him yell it out for a while, then finds an edgewise,

"You think this makes me happy? I'm leaving you behind every damn time I walk through that gate and I never know if I'm coming back--"

And that's when then they sneak to a deserted storage closet and fumble in the dark and kiss and kiss and kiss like the world outside is burning to ash.

"It'll be fine," John mutters when they need air, "My twenty is up soon--"

"Shut up, no it isn't, you’re not even a Colonel here, not even close--"

"It'll be okay. We'll think of something."

"You don't know that--"

"I mean, maybe it's a good thing."

"In what way could this possibly be good?"

"You--we have careers to get back on track. I don't know what hope's left for mine, but I have to take this chance. And you've still got a shot at that Nobel--"

"Damn the Nobel," Rodney blurts, "I--"

He's really not sure what his brain thought the end of that was supposed to be. He's not sure he wants to know.

"I don't--I can't--" It tumbles out before he can stop it. He's so tired. ��"I want to go home."

“...Yeah.”

John's eyes glisten in the dark. His body trembles; Rodney feels it everywhere they touch, a shuddering, shuttered force, desperately keeping the flood tide at bay.

But it’s John’s turn, this time, to be strong. Like he’s remembering it too, he takes a deep breath and masters himself, until his hands and arms and spirit are bracing them both.

"We’ll get through it," he says, low and ragged, the sound of his voice when he really, truly believes in something. "Trust me?"

What's Rodney supposed to say to that? He's helpless to do anything but. Always was.

So they brush off their shirts and smooth down their hair and leave the supply closet at spaced intervals; exchange phone numbers and a promise to call at least once a week and to meet when they have mutual free weekends.

Two weeks later Rodney dials John's number from his shitty apartment outside Area 51, and the phone rings and rings and goes to voicemail.

He tells John off with choice words; sends the message and gets off the phone, thinks about sending another, and another and maybe another when it rings for him, a number he never fucking likes to hear from, especially during off-hours:

John's team has been reported missing in action.

#McShep Sims 3 #McShep Sims 3: Finale

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zipgrowth · 7 years ago

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Can AR/VR Improve Learning? Integrating Extended Reality Into Academic Programs #DLNchat

When educators talk about bringing learning into the real world does that include the virtual world? Proponents claim virtual and augmented reality can enhance learning experiences like we’ve never seen before, bringing students into contact with environments they otherwise wouldn’t have access to. But can mixed reality become too real for the learner? Could it stifle creativity? And should we be concerned, or will the hype fade? On Tuesday, July 10 the #DLNchat community of faculty, administrators, instructional designers and entrepreneurs got together to discuss how academic programs should integrate AR/VR into the curriculum.

Lloyd Dean reminded us, “AR and VR are always put together but they are separate entities.” So what’s the difference? Chris Johnson put it this way: “AR adds digital information to a physical object or environment. VR digitally recreates the object or environment. Both then let the user manipulate that object to varying degrees.” Jennifer Albat condensed her definitions into a poetically simple equation: “AR = Places objects where you are, VR = Takes you to new places.”

Defined Simply: #AR = Places objects where you are, #VR = Takes you to new places. #DLNchat

— Jennifer Albat (@jenalbat) July 10, 2018

#DLNchat-ters shared how these definitions were coming alive at campuses across the country. Science and technical programs appeared to be leading the charge with examples from University of Memphis, Boise State University, Wichita State University and Northern Arizona University. Tom Grissom pointed out that through such virtual access students “get more reps in,” and that “repetition with immediate formative assessment can shorten learning cycle time and be more effective (and safer in some situations).” At The University of Arizona, shared Ryan Straight, students are being taken to a virtual Harlem as well as studying phobias using virtual spiders.

also provides opportunity to get more reps in, repetition with immediate formative assessment can shorten learning cycle time & be more effective (and safer in some situations) #DLNchat

— Tom Grissom (@tomgrissom) July 10, 2018

No matter the discipline, Jeffrey Pomerantz said, “3D tech is good for active and experiential teaching and learning, because it expands the range of activities a learner can gain hands-on experience with.” As more programs implement AR/VR experiences into the curriculum, more research is needed to assess its effectiveness. Christopher Brooks, director of research for EDUCAUSE offered two guiding questions: “What educational activities lend themselves to the use of 3D technologies? And what are the most effective 3D technologies for various learning goals?”

Coming to this convo late. But v short answer is 3D tech is good for active & experiential teaching & learning, bc expands the range of activities a learner can gain hands-on experience with. More in the report, obv. #DLNchat

— Jeffrey Pomerantz (@jpom) July 10, 2018

This week’s #DLNchat then posed a different kind of question to consider: could mixed reality experiences become too real? Dr. Straight reminded us, “Brains are easily hacked and fooled.” So what are the potential side effects of VR/AR learning? Clark Quinn posited, “One of the problems is the ‘uncanny valley’, where too real (but not quite) is unnerving compared to less real” and another “potential problem might be ‘escapism’, similar to problems with environs like WoW: people would rather stay in the virtual world.” Maggie Melo also warned about the dangers of virtual harassment. “The Extended Mind surveyed 600+ VR users and found that all genders are subject to different types of harassment in VR.”

a2) one of the problems is the ‘uncanny valley’, where too real (but not quite) is unnerving compared to less real #DLNChat https://t.co/8X2YdgVhfh

— Clark Quinn (@Quinnovator) July 10, 2018

So take off those rose tinted headgear; there are serious design questions to consider when creating AR/VR content. One current challenge is ensuring equal access across abilities. Jennifer Rafferty shared an encouraging story about how VR may support learners with autism, but many accessibility questions linger—some that may not even have been considered yet. Dr. Brooks shared that in research with Gallaudet University, their pilot with mixed reality raised a host of issues not previously considered for learners who are hard of hearing. EdSurge’s Aneesa Davenport asked, “Must we rely on the VR tech creators for this or are there solutions instructional design can implement?” For now, Gallaudet seems to be tackling the issues with their own team.

A3: I am usually one of the first to be asking about how we should tackle the accessibility questions related to AR/VR experiences, but today I was encouraged when I found this great example of how virtual worlds can help learners with autism. https://t.co/buvyOYa9g7 #dlnchat

— Jennifer Rafferty (@palomitica29) July 10, 2018

Accessibility will hopefully be better addressed as the creation of mixed reality becomes simpler for a more diverse array of creators–including students. Lloyd Dean said, “Heard a colleague explain today that future tools will be available to create quick and basic VR. Think Wix website design.” Students could then demonstrate their learning both in virtual realities and by creating them. Michelle Miller advised considering coupling VR with conventional tools for assessment. She referenced a project demonstrating “written summaries as part of the VR learning activity and found that this was a critical design improvement for producing learning.” Ready to create a rubric and assess a virtual world? Not so fast. “Difficulty in assessing is same as, possibly, other creative fields like art or writing. Takes longer, it's individualized, etc. These are good things, just harder,” said Dr. Straight. Perhaps grading systems will move into the ether too?

This great project by Mayer's group, e.g., had written summaries as part of the VR learning activity and found that this was a critical design improvement for producing learning (as opposed to just interest/engagement) #DLNchat

— Michelle Miller (@MDMillerPHD) July 10, 2018

So is the future of learning in AR/VR? Niki Bray expressed a persistent concern shared by other #DLNchat-ters: cost. She said, “My biggest concern is the resources needed to develop and the associated costs. If we can overcome that, this has great potential.” Others shared that sentiment and agreed that it was likely coming very soon. Alex Kluge said, “I think the big hype cycle was in the 1990s. We have gone through the trough of disillusionment and are coming into a plateau of usability.” Dr. Brooks agreed: “Previously, our pedagogical vision was outpacing the technological capacity; I think the technology has not only caught up, but surpassed our pedagogical vision. We're going to need to play catch up,” he said. He also shared some results from the EDUCAUSE 2018 Student Study: “Only 4% of students reporting having access to #AR or #VR headsets. So, we have some time to work on this before it becomes ubiquitous.”

A6: Working on the 2018 @EDUCAUSE #StudentStudy right now and only 4% of students reporting having access to #AR or #VR headsets. So, we have some time to work on this before it becomes ubiquitous. #DLNChat https://t.co/FRgCM41wIJ

— D Christopher Brooks (@DCBPhDV2) July 10, 2018

Kristi DePaul articulated her optimism for AR/VR technology a bit differently. “Rather than declaring it the future of learning, I believe XR [extended reality] tech will open up educational possibilities with an impact we haven't yet grasped. And that includes providing firsthand experiences that enhance empathy and compassion.” You might say the future of AR/VR in academia is extended learning.

A6) rather than declaring it the future of learning, I believe XR tech will open up educational possibilities w/an impact we haven't yet grasped. And that includes providing firsthand experiences that enhance empathy + compassion: https://t.co/TPEUvyiHeh #DLNchat @csuci https://t.co/ES0UaKzlla

— Kristi E. DePaul 🗺📍 (@reallykristi) July 10, 2018

How do you imagine the future of virtual learning? Tweet our community with #DLNchat to share your ideas! You can also RSVP for our next chat: How Can Competency Based Education Unify Lifelong Learning Experiences? with special guest Charla Long, executive director of the Competency Based Education Network (CBEN), on Tuesday, August 14 at 1pm PT/ 4pm ET. For more topics, check out our index of past chats. #DLNchat is co-hosted by the Online Learning Consortium, WCET and Tyton Partners.

Can AR/VR Improve Learning? Integrating Extended Reality Into Academic Programs #DLNchat published first on https://medium.com/@GetNewDLBusiness

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