#rehearsal was so shit today
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#boink#me#im so sad#all i want to do is eat soup and cry but i have three essays due and a midterm and i still have to prep for class tomorrow#rehearsal was so shit today#i keep all the music binders and i was having trouble getting everything together#and everybody was waiting on me#so i told them to just like go ahead so i took the bus home#and it was empty and quiet except for a couple like half asleep leaning on each other talking about sushi#and it was very sweet#and i just want to cry#anyway im scared i might be in love with my friend#i know im not#but i cant articulate properly#how much i dont know how to deal with feelings like this#i want to get a tattoo#but im scared of committing to one#but i always feel so good with something on me#pen or paint or nail polish or whatever#i feel like it's filling something in#like a blank notebook page#like im highlighting something#drawing in the margins#my friend asked if i skinned my knee#she's wondeful. she asked if i wanted to get an apartment with her next year#i was scared that i wouldnt have anyone to live with again#but i have her#im very happy#i love her a lot
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god i miss being an overachiever
#mum joined a chorus a few months ago and is doing dress rehearsal for a concert today#she has learned twelve new songs#'yeah everyone was a bit astounded' no shit#waiting for her to leave so i can safely have a little cry because ohhhh that's where i get it from#that's why i love leon idolmaster so much. she's the me i don't get to be anymore#i miss being able to carry an entire show on my back like i used to.#i miss being the linchpin. i miss being NEEDED.#i dont get to be anything anymore. i dont get to leave the house on a regular basis.#HAHA. ANYWAY.#delete later
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#today i had a pianist during a rehearsal go “wow your voice you just have so much natural talent i mean some people really work for years—”#and i kinda snapped#and i was polite but also i unloaded the entire story of the last thirteen years in the cosmic joke that is my life#this lady got thirteen years of trauma in a twenty minute speed run#she Learned Things today about existential despair and the societal clusterfuck that is the Trans Experience#and how that intersects in the classical singing world in an incredibly challenging and fucked up way#and how i went from scooting under the door into a voice program with seven lessons under me#and then three years later proceeded to fling myself into a testosterone fueled vocal puberty in the midst of a professional singing degree#and lost the respect and support of most of the vocal and choir faculty because everyone thought i was committing professional suicide#if it werent for my own voice teacher (who at some point became the mother figure I'd never had) keeping me afloat i would not be here#i have c-ptsd from the shit i went through in the choir department#i had to drop out of school for a semester because my body just folded under the stress#i started getting migraines severe enough i was hospitalized twice with stroke-like symptoms#two weeks ago i had a former teacher from the early days deadname me in front of our colleagues#she tried to play it off as no big deal and it just reminded me no matter how successful i become in this field#no matter how much work i put in to overcome my past#its always going to come back and find me through people who refuse to learn respect#and somehow! im still here! im making a living in the field i trained for#how many people in my generation in the arts degree sector can say that?? by some metrics i am thriving but jesus goddamn#i clawed and fought and bit and dragged myself to where i am right now and had to find my voice TWICE and the worst part is#she meant well#the pianist i mean#and i was polite when i told my story but it was so important to me that she understood#no amount of talent would have gotten me here without sleepless nights and long hours and blood and sweat and tears and you know what#maybe i am a better person for it but dont compliment me by implying i have some inherent gift from a god i dont even believe in#dont tell me your god put me in this place to teach other people compassion#i didnt brush the door of death as many times as i did for the sake of someone else's enlightenment#its been a long 13 years. hell its been a long 2023. in the last eleven months ive had a fundamental upheaval#of everything i thought i knew and understood about myself#so yea im standing at the gate to hell looking the devil in the eye. try me bitch. ive endured worse.
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Scientists and doctors are the most unaware people on the face of the earth. Its honestly shocking how dense they all are.
#cowmmunist#scientists#and doctors#and lawyers#oh my#instead of observing the world around them#they create made up shit out of nowhere#then assume theyre correct for no apparent reason#then get mad or upset or something when you point it out#even if you're nice and try to save them from any embarrassment#theyre just too dense to work with#this guy used this wireless advancer before his talk today#like he rehearsed earlier with it and he has been doing these talls for years apparently#but he just gets up on stage and picks up a stapler#and then makes fun of the A/V guys for screwing it up#so even though the real wireless advancer was on the podium in front of him#i tried to quickly and quietly hand him a new one so he could understand it real quick and then do his thing#but instead he takes it into his hands and imediately starts hitting the button with the red arrow#only god knows why#he refuses to try anything else#the wireless advancer has 2 buttons on it#a big green button#and a smaller red button#and he went 50/50 then failed and then gave up#like would this specimen fail a 2 piece puzzle#its more likely than you think
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Sending strength and love and good vibes your way honey. You can do this!
I really really hope you’re right 🤞
#thank you I appreciate it#I just got back from the church choir rehearsal#I’ve been doing this choir cause it makes my parents happy#but after this one idk if I’ll be able to again#with everything I have going on and especially the fact that I’ve been dealing with a lot of Christian trauma#I don’t feel right singing things I don’t necessarily believe#and I feel bad saying this#but the main reason why I agreed was cause I thought there was going to be high notes!#but no#there is a SINGLE high note#and we are singing like 4 songs#just give me ledger line notes and I’ll be happy#anyway I was at the rehearsal today and I was on the verge of tears the entire time#just cause I was so incredibly uncomfortable and I couldn’t help but think of everything that’s going on#and NOW#I get to go to my brothers house and celebrate Easter#and my cousin is going to be there and she just gets under my skin#not really her fault cause it’s just my jealousy getting in the way#but she’s young I don’t think she’s even 20 yet#she has her own place#she has her own dog#and she’s bringing her boyfriend today#I just can’t help but think about what my life would have been like if I got the help I needed#but nah#growing up no adult gave a shit about me#so that’s super duper cool 👌#anyway gonna try and smoke and move on#but damn it’s a lot easier said than done#shut up rosie
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#I hate my job holy shit 😭😭😭😭#if I say anything to my sister it’s all ‘’wElL mY job is HARDER so yOu CaNt CoMpLaIn’’#and it’s like yeah your job is harder!#mine just sucks and is slowly grinding away my joy#I hate hate hate this manager so fucking much#I hate that she’s incompetent I hate that she doesn’t understand how grammar works#I hate that she doesn’t know how the fuck to give feedback#I am so so close to being like BTW in the future pls give your feedback at the START before we’ve gone thru 17 iterations and have a present#*presentation today bc much of this is ENTIRELY NEW to the fucking project or just flat out wrong#ughhhhhhhh christ#personal#I hate hate hate starting my week#with like shitty miserable Sunday rehearsal#and then getting up to work on Monday and just dreading the entire fucking work week#it sucks! so much!!
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you can try to get noticed but nobody cares
they expect you to fail and move on
#lyricposting again#m too eepy to be productive :\\\#AUGH and i have history today i forgot about that#not a fan >:[#teacher treats us like an honors class even tho we arent >:\#gonna get a shit ton of hw and i still gotta do my religion project and essay#and im staying late for sets :\\\\\\\ not even in sets#why do i do this#gods im so lucky theres no fun tech on thursday#uhh sorry to anyone who likes audio#but uhh#at least thats my break#unless they change rehearsal schedule again#which is honestly pretty likely#>:\
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why is my response to being stressed about doing something so backwards 😭
#i just. don't do it#and stew in anxiety about not having it done 😭😭#kiwifae says shit#none of my homework got done even though i had a lot of free time at rehearsal today 😭#agghhhgh 😭#i can't do the play/musical next year i'm so stressed rn i have rehearsal until 6 daily and there's shit on the WEEKENDS#and i'm ENSEMBLE 😭#but yeah. my math hw is not done i didnt even touch it even though it's a really important concept i need to get#i just can't idk why#i'm so tired i don't want to go to school anymore i just want to sleep forever#summer would be fine too ig
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the end of this production honestly cannot come fast enough
#to be deleted#brush up rehearsal today was a shit show. but all the shows for the rest of the run are sold out.#anyway good god this show is still managing to be hell somehow. i'm so tired!
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cast list is out!!! i got officer lockstock!!! the big narrator role!!! hoooooly fucking SHIT im so goddamn excited!!! aaaaa!!!!!!!!!
#internal screaming volume is at MAX#cast list was delayed coming out bc the college is snowed in today so when i tell you i was losing my actual MIND i mean i was going NUTS#ohhhhh my fucking god. we're doing a musical and im in it and i get to sing and dance and break the fourth wall and be goofy as shit and#aaaaaAAAAA#hooooooly SHIT#good thing its a snow day bc im bouncing off the walls in my head. gonna celebrate by making food + dancing around the kitchen + possibly#getting a lil turnt lmao ((not too much bc i have homework hdgfjsk but. HOLY SHIT))#we arent starting rehearsals tonight bc school's closed for the weather bUT. TOMORROW#bee speaks
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don’t you just love it when your musical elective of choice makes you want to kys :)))))))))))))
#love how my choir director says that we’re such a strong community and then immediately does shit to divide said community#love how i’ve literally lost a fucking friend bc of this#love how he expects more from the women’s choir than the men’s choir#love how i gave my friend a ride to rehearsal today even tho it was out of my way#and yet she didn’t fucking talk to me the whole time and ignored me at rehearsal#love how everyone pretends it’s fine but it’s not fucking fine and i’m this close to offing myself bc of this bullshit#i’m fucking sick of it#the only fucking reason i’m still in choir is because i’ve been in choir since 4th grade and it’s too late to quit now#everything else is pushing me away from it#my mom hates me doing it my friends have stopped giving a shit about me the director is a biased fuck who plays favorites#i honestly don’t think it’s worth it anymore#god i fucking hate this#i feel so fucking worthless and everything i do ends up failing miserably#k.txt#vent tw
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me after taking my adhd meds for the first time in like 5 days
#my doctor called in my prescription friday evening so i should be able to pick up my meds monday afternoon/tuesday morning#and i found out had FOUR pills left not THREE like i thought so i was like fuck it i'm taking one today#then i have two for tomorrow and one extra in case there are any issues picking up my prescription#i want to write!!! i've been doing a lot of brainstorming which has been fine but i need to actually write words#and ugh. shit was ROUGH yesterday!!! i'm pms-ing so i was a ZOMBIE yesterday. i messed up so much at my violin rehearsal 😔#m.txt
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what the FUCK do you do when your best isn’t good enough
#we have a show choir competition on Saturday and today was our last rehearsal#we did absolutely shit#Miller said it himself. We’re not going to win. The moves aren’t clean and the singing isn’t good#my voice kept shaking on my solo#I wasn’t blending with the choir enough or I was mouthing the other part or I went the wrong way#Worst part was that I knew this stuff and I remembered it and tried to apply it but it just. WASNT GOOD ENOUGH#we’re going to lose and it’s all fucking going to be my fault#I also got stomach cramps halfway through rehearsal and only got access to painkillers ten minutes ago#argh I just. feel so hopeless.#it’s not important to me that we win but it really is to a lot of the other members and right now we are NOT winning material#vent post
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(*.*)
#not that anyone is actively incredibly invested#but this blog is my diary so I’ll post what I want#but also I didn’t wanna make like an actual post post so I’m ranting in the tags#so no Stick Season update today bc I don’t have it in me!! and I’m opting to force myself to relax!!!#bc it has been A Day#and for no reason really????? like I was having a great day!!!#and then fifth period started#WHICH IS TRUTHFULLY MY BEST CLASS#like oh my god SUCH good fuckin kids in that class#and yeah my altos are incidentally the weaker section this year#but today it felt like they were doing it so APATHETICALLY and PURPOSEFULLY that I stopped rehearsal#and I was like ‘hey. sopranos are giving 100% and altos I think like maybe half of you are giving 50.’#and I was like if you don’t want to go to UIL let me know AND SOME LITTLE SHIT RAISED HER HAND but I stayed calm!!#and she’s getting an alternate assignment!! bc I understand Choir isn’t for everyone but also LIKE WHAT ARE U DOIN IN THIS CLASS THEN#but then some other altos were like ‘no we wanna go’#and I said something along the lines of ‘great but it’s gonna require more effort than what I’m getting right now’#‘and that sucks because you guys could be REALLY good if you wanted to’#AND THEN I JUST STARTED FUCKING CRYING LIKE A LITTLE BITCH#like not ugly crying I held it together long enough to tell them to pack up their stuff lmao#But then they lined up and one girl came back to hug me and ask if I was okay and THEN I lost it#like I’m actually laughing now bc ITS SO RIDICULOUS SNDBAJDNSJ LIKE WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME????#and then three more girls came back when the bell rang and they were all telling me how much they love my class#and I started crying harder#and I had my tenor bass class next (boys. rowdy AS FUCK) and from outside my portable I hear the girls say:#‘BE GOOD TODAY AND DONT TO ANYTHING TO MAKE HER UPSET!’#and I’m very emo about it#and two altos came to apologize me and asked to ‘please not go all emo on us again we’ll try harder’#and honestly I’m laughing my ass off I’m such a weak educator but I love my kids jajshsjsj#ANYWAY so I need some fluff and laughs this fine afternoon and do not wish to write today so SORRY#blurgleshutthefuckup
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i've found that one of the best ways to get a class on the same page as me when I'm teaching is to just. at the start of class go "okay here's the PLAN." and then go through what i plan for class today.
and then they get to remind me if i say we're going to do something and then forget 5 minutes later. they love doing that.
unsolicited parenting advice of the day tell your kids what to expect! If your two year old is anxious about when dad is going to get home from work, teach him to recognize what patterns indicate that dad is coming home soon! After lunch we will do an activity and then clean and THEN dad will get home. Listen when the calendar day starts with an S dad does not have to go to work!!
and if something goes wrong and today does NOT go according to the plan your little guy expects, tell him!! Hey, dad has to go to work after all today, but he will be home after lunch! Today dad has to get groceries after work, so he’ll be home later than normal. But he will return with more bananas! Focus on the positives too, give them things they can understand. Don’t just say “not today,” they understand the concept of grocery stores and unexpected trips. Just tell them the problem. You’d hate being in the dark about everything that happens to you also. Let them control their situation, even if it’s just their own emotions and expectations.
or even! Teach them to read an analogue clock! Let me tell you, church nursery in the 1.5-3.5 age group got so much less stressful and anxious for EVERYONE when I taught my kids how to read the clock. They don’t have to ask me anymore how much time is left and fish for answers I can’t give them. They know that their guardians will come for them when the long stripe on the clock touches the 2, and that if they aren’t there then then they’re LATE and they get to hold this over their parents head. Because they know their parents can be late. And they LOVE knowing when this has occurred. There is so much less anxiety.
anyway explain stuff to your kids, they want to know. This has been an unsolicited parenting advice PSA
#hey. i had to go to the hospital last night. i'm okay#but here's why. today I'm supposed to rest but i couldnt bear not to see you so I came anyway. But I need you guys to help me#if you see me standing for too long#please remind me to sit down okay?#not entirely related but earlier this year i had to go to the hospital and they told me i had to take it easy the next day#however i had a rehearsal to run so i couldnt just not do that#so i came in and sat down and i told the kids#THEY LOVED THAT SHIT#they sure did remind me xD#it was great
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10 3-5 sentence analyses in less than an hour, I feel very accomplished and very tired
#whyyyyyyy did we dooooooo the time warp so many times at rehearsal today#im in a production of midsummer why are we doing rocky horror shit pleaseeeeeeee#gonna have to sing dont go breaking my heart with my wonderful titania apparently#genuinely just throw me into a void at this point#i am so tired#fr
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