#red tape zine

[red-tape-zine]

The time is nigh! That's right, our second volume of this Ineffable Bureaucracy, Red Tape, is open for Pre Orders! Running from April 29th through May 31st, snag your copy!

You can pre-order here at redtapezine.bigcartel.com.

[knightofthesevenfandoms]

Here it is! My sweet, smutty fic for the @red-tape-zine!!!

Gabriel remembers Beelzebub calling him "good boy" in the bookshop, when he was still in the fly. He makes a request to hear it again, but Beelzebub won't just give him what he wants, they're a demon. First he has to earn it. ����😈😈

Bottom Gabriel, top Beelzebub.

[potatocat]

Please enjoy Black Friday for a limited time! :) On the entire shop up to 25% off! Can't choose? I also have my very first sticker blind bags and enamel pin (and lots of other goodies) blind boxes for those who like a double discount!!

❤️ Welcome to my little shop: YolinArt.Etsy.com

💛 If you would like to help and support the Go!Robins! comic & get early access to all the comics, request custom avatars, enjoy art and sign-up for Patreon Mail, please check out my Patreon: www.patreon.com/Yolin

Visit my: Patreon | Redbubble | Ko-Fi | Twitter | Instagram | Storenvy (Preorder shop) | Etsy Shop

[transtrucy]

stares out the window and thinks about my own fic

[theyellowmistress]

“The World”

(my contribution to the @ themagnusarcana zine over on ig)

Image 1 [ID: A digital illustration of the end of the Magnus Archives podcast. Jon and Martin are situated in the pupil of a great eye taking up residence in a red sky. The panopticon/institute is burning and crumbling in the background, as Martin stabs Jon in the heart. Jon’s blood flows down and pools at the base of the House at Hill Top Road, which sits atop a large web made from the tape of large cassette tapes lining the sides of the image, acting as anchors for the web. Annabelle Cane sits at the bottom half of the image, pulling strands from the blood-soaked web and connecting them to a group of planets she sits amongst. /end ID]

Image 2 [ID: close-up of Martin stabbing Jon. /end ID]

Image 3 [ID: close-up of Annabelle Cane. /end ID]

[waldos-art]

My two pieces for the @red-tape-zine Volume 2! Wanted to draw S1 and S2 Gabriel and Beelzebub with a touch of gluttony. For spice.

[miumiumanzo]

Really excited to finally share my merch designs for @red-tape-zine Big thanks to the mods and every participants, I'm so glad to be able to be a part of this and celebrate these two beloved assholes (who are also madly in love to each other)

Where's my entry to zine you say? It's illegal to be shown here, but you can find it on my ADULTS ONLY!!!! twt at meoomeoomoo Big thanks to @cloverthegrand for helping me to figure out some lightings on that part

If you bought the zine, THANK YOU SO MUCH!!!! Hope you enjoyed it and made you love Gabriel and Beelzebub even more!!

[bleedingoptimism]

I have a prompt for you! Steve or Eddie finding out that the other one collects something. Maybe it's weird or silly or just surprising. I feel like one or both of them secretly collect stuff.

Eddie collects things, lots of things, he's a collector. He collects rocks he likes, every trinket, key chain, necklace, or ring he finds with a shape of a lizard. He collects dice and zines, cassettes, you name it, he collects.

When Steve realizes this, he starts saving weird rocks he sees to give to him later. They don't really talk about it, Steve never says anything and he actually kind of doesn't notice he's doing it. But sometimes Eddie will get in his car and Steve will tap the headboard and say, "There's something for you there," and Eddie will open the compartment and find a metal pin with the shape of a lizard and grab it a hold it and look at Steve and Steve will shrug, like its nothing and Eddie will continue to stare at Steve for a few minutes while he drives, and he'll pin and long and love him in silence.

He asks him once if he collects anything, but Steve shakes his head no. No trophies, no love letters, no polaroids.

They are hanging out at Steve's one lazy sunday afternoon when he finds it. He was looking for a lighter, Steve had refused to move from where he's lying limbs stretched like a star on the floor of his bedroom and pointed somewhere over his desk when Eddie had asked for it.

He's rummaging through the desk and opens the second drawer, starts moving things around when suddenly Steve is right behind him,

"It's not there! There's nothing there." he yelps, trying to close the drawer, and Eddie laughs and looks closer at the contents, thinking he'll find Steve's porn stash and make him blush a little, but instead he finds a movie tkt, a receipt, a napkin, and other things that don't make a lot of sense until it does.

Because the ticket is from a movie they saw together, and the receipt is from when they went to Indianapolis and ate greasy burgers at a diner in the middle of nowhere, and the napkin is from The Hideout and there's a leaf carefully pressed with duck tape that he's sure is the one he once gave Steve, when they were walking through the forest, sharing a smoke. A leaf, just a silly little leaf, he had grabbed it off the floor because it was brown and speckled with yellows and greens and it reminded him of the color of Steve's eyes when the light hit them just right. He'd given it to Steve without a word and Steve had smiled and twirled it in front of his face and then he had completely forgotten about it and here it was, in a drawer in Steve's room, along with a whole lot of things, mementos, of them.

Eddie looks at Steve, who is standing just to the side of him, completely red in the face and with his hands suspended in the air, either to push Eddie away and close the drawer or hold them up as surrender, he doesn't know.

They look at each other, both searching for something, asking questions, seeking answers. They look at their eyes, roam their faces, and end up on each other's lips, and Eddie smiles, big, happy, and enamored, he slowly moves to face Steve properly, closing the drawer with his hip and holds Steve's face between his palms and Steve leans into the touch closing his eyes for second before going back to stare at Eddie, and shily, he smiles back.

And Eddie dives in and kisses the boy who gifts him weird rocks, lizard trinkets, and dice. The boy who collects mementos. The boy he loves.

[goodomenscalendar]

What is this? | Submit your own event! or tag us! | Be sure to click through to the original post for the latest updates! Last edited: May 20th.

Ending Events

DIWS: Silver Screen Bang | Writer Sign-ups close May 3; Artist Sign-ups close May 20

The Good Omens Silver Screen Bang brings writers and artists together to retell a movie through a Good Omens lens! AUs and fusions welcome! Both SFW and NSFW content allowed. - @do-it-with-style-events - Twitter -

Good Omens Minisode Minibang | 16+ | Sign-ups close May 4

A reverse bang revolving around the theme of Good Omens historical minisodes. Both SFW and SFW content allowed. - @go-minisode-minibang -

Twin Passions: A Bildad Zine | Fundraising ends May 7

Charity digital zine focused on Bildad era Crowley, fundraising period to benefit RAINN and Safeline! There are 2 editions available for instant download, plus digital extras: SFW (shoemaking) and NSFW (obstetrics)! - @bildadzine - Twitter - Instagram - Bluesky - Download on itch.io -

It Began in a Garden Zine | Pre-orders close May 12

A fanzine celebrating Aziraphale and Crowley's retirement to a peaceful cottage in the South Downs. - @itbeganinagardenzine - Twitter -

Good Omens for Palestine | Fundraising ends May 13

Good Omens for Palestine: A Charity Fanzine is a project dedicated to raising money for Palestinian aid. All proceeds will be donated to the United Nations Relief and Works Agency for Palestine Refugees (UNRWA). - @goodomensforpalestine - Twitter - Instagram

Ineffable Romans Contest | Entries close May 15

Write, draw, cosplay or more the Ineffable Romans and tag @angellilou-art to be included in the digital version of the Ineffable Romans illustrated book! Three lucky pieces will be chosen to be featured in the printed version! Both SFW and NSFW content allowed. - Tumblr - Kickstarter -

GOAD: Spring Fling Kink Sling | 18+ | Posting ends May 19

It’s time to dust off the suspiciously nondescript box under your bed, crack it open and see what’s inside! There's one more "Heat" sprint event remaining before the end of the event, so hop over to Reddit to see the details of how those are run! - @goodomensafterdark - Reddit - AO3 Collection -

WIP Big Bang | Sign-ups close May 21

This is a Big Bang with one goal in mind: to clean out your fanfic drafts folder. These are stories that were unfinished for whatever reason, that authors returned to and completed, and the art that goes with them! - @wipbigbang - Twitter - Dreamwidth - AO3 Collection -

High Pollen Count! | 18+ | Posting ends ~May 22

A rules-loose Good Omens event centering around sex pollen. Featuring both NSFW and SFW works! - AO3 Collection -

Good Omens Big Bang | Sign-ups close May 31

A classic big bang, all about Good Omens! Both SFW and NSFW content allowed. - @goodomensbig-smallbang -

Red Tape: An Ineffable Bureaucracy Zine | Pre-orders close May 31

An 18+ Good Omens zine dedicated to Gabriel and Beelzebub! Featuring SFW and NSFW content. - @red-tape-zine - Twitter - BigCartel -

Ongoing Events

Ineffable May | Prompts for every day of May

You hear that? Ineffable May is nigh! That’s right— this month-long daily prompt event dedicated to Good Omens… is back. Participate using art, writing, cosplay, or any other craft at your disposal. - Prompt List - AO3 Collection -

Mayngst | Prompts for every day of May

This prompt list is multi-fandom, with dialogue style prompts - one for every day of May!! If you’re interested in participating and sharing, please use the tag #mangst2024! - Prompt List - AO3 Collection -

Good Omens Fairy Tale Bang | Artist Sign-ups open now!

This is a Good Omens Mini Bang themed entirely around Fairy Tales! Writing your own or adapting a favorite! All versions of all Fairy Tales and Mythology are welcome! Both SFW and NSFW content allowed. - @fairytalegobang -

Good Omens Spooky Bang | Sign-ups open now!

A spooky Good Omens bang to kick off the autumn season! Whether it's Aziraphale pumpkin-picking, a pumpkin spice latte coffee shop AU, or Hell hosting a Halloween bash, you're invited to the Spooky Bang! Both SFW and NSFW content allowed. - @spooky-bang-good-omens -

Monster Bangers Bang | 18+ | Interest Check open now!

Calling all monster-fuckers! A Good Omens bang devoted to monster banging. - @gomonsterbangersbang -

Upcoming Events

Good Omens Ineffable Bang | Posting begins May 7

A bang centered around your favorite Ineffable Husbands. Featuring SFW and NSFW content! - @goineffablebang - Twitter - AO3 Collection -

Ace Omens Zine: Volume 2 | Pre-orders open May 15

A Good Omens zine focused on ace representation. Featuring SFW content! - @aceomenszine - BigCartel -

Above, Below, and the Common Ground | Fundraising starts May 19

A SFW digital charity zine that celebrates the varied and wonderful cast of Good Omens––human, demon, angel, and anything in between! Free to download or with a donation to National Network to End Domestic Violence. Featuring SFW content. - @abczine - Twitter - Instagram - Bluesky - GumRoad -

In Love With My Car Zine: Volume 2 | Fundraising starts May 20

A zine dedicated to the vehicles in Good Omens. The zine will be free to download with the option of donating to the Mercury Phoenix Trust. Featuring SFW and NSFW content! - @in-love-with-my-car-zine -

[invidiaesc]

🕊️ Red Tape Zine - Volume 2 🪰 https://archiveofourown.org/collections/Red_Tape https://redtapezine.bigcartel.com/

Thank You @red-tape-zine !!!!!!

So I can finally share my drawings on this GREAT PROJECT!!!! I was so happy when I received the magazine and all the merch!!!! My first Zine!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰

Thank You so much for this amazing work!!!!!! 💖💖💖💖 I'm so proud of ALL THE ZINE !!!!!

Is Extremely Beautiful, and is my honor to be a part of it! 🤗 THANK YOU!!!!!!!!! Especially @miumiumanzo and IrkenProperty for the amazing keychains! ✨ The fanfictions, the art, the merch, everything and everyone Thank you, BEST SERVER, BEST PEOPLE, BEST WORK! 💖 EVERYTHING IS GORGEOUS AND I LOVE EVERY SECOND!!! 🥰

[whumpsday]

Power Play

Writing Masterlist

content: kidnapping, ritual sacrifice, begging, hand whump, impalement, mouth whump, knives/skin carving, demon whumper, creepy whumper, major character death, gore

this is my piece for @zineofgid !! this was such an awesome project to work on :)

you can still buy the guys in distress zine here! proceeds go to the charity RAINN. there are limited physical copies and unlimited digital copies, as well as some merch left. do keep in mind that while my piece is sfw, this is an 18+ zine and a lot of other contributors' pieces are very much NOT sfw!

this piece was done as part of a collaboration with @whump-queen, with ocs we made together! he made art that accompanies this piece, you can view it here! it depicts the end of the story so you might wanna wait til after you read it though if you care about spoilers (also linked at the end)

-

Jonah’s breaths came hard and fast as Reese dumped him out of the large duffle bag, onto the cold floor of his basement.

He immediately tried to struggle to his feet, but his wrists and ankles had been bound with way too many layers of duct tape, making it impossible. Reese easily kicked him to the floor, placing a boot firmly on his chest and keeping him there.

“Ah-ah-ah.” his captor tutted, ripping the tape off his mouth. “I’m sorry to say that you will never see outside this room again.”

“You’re crazy!” Jonah screamed, unable to keep the terror out of his voice. His heart hammered in his chest, right under Reese’s boot.

“You have been messing with my campaign.” Reese countered, as if kidnapping was equivalent to Jonah doing his damn job. “Arnett didn’t start climbing in the polls until she brought you on as manager.” He dug his boot in deeper, making it a little hard for Jonah to breathe, pressing his bound wrists painfully into the floor under his back.

Despite admittedly-minimal efforts to retain his composure, Jonah found himself trembling. “So, what? You’re going to- kill me?”

There was no way he could fight this man off. Reese was bigger and stronger than him; it was pathetic how little he’d been able to struggle when Reese had initially incapacitated him. Now he was bound with tape and at an even bigger disadvantage. The thought that he could really die here blared through his mind like a siren, urging him to do whatever he could to escape, as if there was anything he could do.

“Not exactly. I’m not going to kill you.” Reese finally stepped off Jonah’s chest, only to kick him over and press a knee into his back instead. “Don’t mistake this as petty vengeance. I needed someone, and you happened to be an enticing target.”

It was only then, staring across the floor instead of at the ceiling, that Jonah noticed his surroundings.

A large pentagram, easily five feet, laid painted red in the center of the room, a hammer and nails set next to it.

“What the fuck?” he whispered in cold horror.

“Thanks to you, it’s clear that a good, honest campaign by a good, honest man isn’t enough to make it in politics. Luckily, there are other ways to get ahead in life, if you do enough research,” Reese explained, like it made perfect sense.

“Is that blood?” Jonah asked, voice small, staring at the red of the pentagram painted meticulously into the floor.

“It is. My very own.”

Jonah’s line of questioning was instantly interrupted when felt the side of a blade against his forearm.

He writhed, his struggles renewed. “Get away from me with that thing!”

“Hold still, or I might nick you. You want that tape off, don’t you?” Reese leaned down. Jonah could feel his breath on the back of his neck as Reese’s knee pressed further into his lower back.

Jonah went still, barring the tremors he couldn’t control. As much as he hated to admit it, Reese was right: aimlessly moving around with a knife millimeters from his skin would only get him hurt. He didn’t resist as he felt steel slide harmlessly against him, the layers of tape cut away and peeled off.

Before he could even think about running, Reese grabbed both his newly-freed hands and dragged him over to the pentagram. Jonah started struggling again, but there was little he could do against the iron grip.

Reese pointed to one of the triangles making up the pentagram. “You will kneel or I will make you kneel.”

He didn’t know what else to do, and pissing off his captor seemed like a recipe for disaster, so he knelt as indicated.

Reese bound one hand to Jonah’s body with more tape, bringing the other to a point of the pentagram. He pressed Jonah’s palm against the star’s tip, stepping firmly against his wrist to hold it there.

“Now, stay nice and still.”

Reese picked up the hammer and one of the nails.

“What are you doing?!” Jonah tried to pull his hand away, but Reese just pressed his boot down harder.

“What I said. Just making sure you stay still.” Reese positioned the nail in the center of Jonah’s hand, the sharp tip pricking at his skin. Jonah’s breath grew rapid in anticipation of what was about to happen to him.

“Wait, don’t, don’t don’t no no no-!”

Pain exploded in his hand as the THWACK of the hammer hit the nail and pierced his skin, and Jonah finally screamed. He tried again to pull his hand away, to pull his whole body away, but it was useless. He was trapped.

“Stop! Stop stop stop, you’re crazy!” he cried, tears spilling over and running down his face. The nail settled on the floor’s surface, just barely poking through the tender skin of his palm from the inside, making its way through muscle and ligaments and tendons.

“You can think what you like. Doesn’t matter to me,” Reese commented nonchalantly.

The hammer came down again. Jonah’s second scream was less intense than the first, as if his voice itself were scared, breaking off into a sob. A few more taps left the nail buried snugly in the floor, the head resting against the back of his hand as a bit of blood escaped from under it.

Jonah panted hard, adrenaline coursing through him. His hand wouldn’t move from where it sat fastened to the pentagram even after Reese removed his boot from his wrist: even twitching his fingers sent a horrible jolt through it.

“Good job, you’re doing very well.” Reese praised, patting Jonah on the head. “And now, the other one.”

“NO!” Jonah cried. “Stop! You have to stop!”

“Shh, it’s okay.” The sheer calm Reese talked about it with sent shivers down his spine. “It’ll all be over soon.”

Reese freed his uninjured hand, and Jonah clutched it protectively to his chest, shaking. “Leave me alone,” he begged tearily.

His captor grabbed his hand and brought it to the opposite point of the pentagram, stretching him out painfully and forcing his head and chest to the ground. Much to his dismay, Reese stepped down on his other wrist and readied the hammer and nails again.

Jonah strained his neck to look up at Reese, desperate. “What do you want? I’ll quit, okay? I’ll stop running Arnett’s campaign, you’ll never see me again. Just stop.”

“Oh, Jonah. Like I said, I needed someone. It just happened to be you.” Reese started on the other hand. No matter how much he screamed, it wouldn’t stop. Unlike the first nail, which seemed to slip in between his bones, this one landed right on top of the small, delicate bones inside his hand and smashed through them uncaring, the pain blinding.

Jonah was a mess by this point, sobbing into the floor. “I don’t wanna die like this,” he sniffled.

Reese cupped his face. “Look at it this way. You’re dying for something bigger than yourself. More powerful. Now, I think that’s about enough complaining out of you.”

The grip on his face grew tighter and tighter, fingers pressing tightly into the sides of his jaw, until Jonah was forced to open his mouth. Reese grabbed his tongue and pulled it, touching it to the center of the pentagram. Even among the throbbing pain in his hands and the horrifying situation, Jonah’s face crinkled in disgust.

Reese grabbed another nail.

Jonah’s disgust was immediately forgotten, replaced by overwhelming terror. He tried fruitlessly to shake his head away, making what little terrified noises of protest he could manage, as Reese settled the tip of the nail against his tongue.

A whine of fear escaped him, and he looked up at his captor pleadingly. Please don’t do this.

“Just try to relax,” Reese advised, as if it was at all possible.

The hammer slammed against the head of the nail, sending it straight through Jonah’s tongue and into the floor. Jonah wailed with intolerable pain, hot tears slipping down his cheeks, no longer able to form pleas. All he could taste was his own fresh blood, running over Reese’s painted on the floor.

Reese gave it a few more firm taps until the head of the nail almost crushed Jonah’s tongue under it, undeterred by Jonah’s cries.

“There we go.” Reese disappeared from Jonah’s tear-blurry line of sight. A moment later, he felt the side of the knife against the back of his neck. He squealed in distress, unable to even thrash against his bonds anymore.

But the knife didn’t plunge into him. Instead, it glided downward to the sound of tearing fabric until Jonah’s shirt fell limply in front of him. Reese ran a hand over his exposed back, Jonah’s tense muscles shuddering under the touch.

“This is the final step.” Jonah jolted as best he could in his immobilized state as he felt the tip of the knife between his shoulderblades- not digging in yet, but threatening to.

“Nghh!” Jonah couldn’t say much else with his tongue nailed down. He couldn’t even shake his head. Nothing he could do to indicate NO would be enough here, anyway. Reese didn’t care for his opinion.

He screamed as the knife buried itself in flesh, not deep enough to touch bone, but far from shallow. It glided along his back in a sweeping stroke, before Reese lifted it and picked a new spot to carve into him, no matter how much he cried and tried to writhe away from the sharp, insistent pain.

Slice after bold, swirling slice, Reese painted a pattern in the splitting of his skin, spending the most time on an intricate design between his shoulder blades. Jonah was pretty sure it was supposed to be an eye, but he was too hazy with agony and blood loss to tell.

Finally, Reese pulled the knife away from his mangled back. “There, all done. Soon you won’t even feel it.”

Jonah could only sob in response, trembling from pain and fear. Everything hurt. His entire body felt like it had been through a paper shredder. He could feel the blood running off the sides of his back and pooling beneath his folded-up legs, soaking his knees.

He watched as Reese lit candles in a circle around him, painting the room in a warm glow, and began chanting in a language Jonah couldn’t understand- Latin, maybe? What a pointless thing to die for. What would happen to him when none of this worked and no demon showed up? Would Reese concede and let him go? Probably not. Jonah imagined the knife plunging into his chest, the last thing he ever saw the face of his murderer. At least the pain would stop.

Slowly, as Reese chanted, The sigil carved into Jonah’s back began to burn.

Just a little at first, but getting hotter and hotter until Jonah was writhing in pain, trying to free his hands despite the nails holding them in place and hurting worse and worse the more he tugged on them. What was happening to him? It felt like someone had run boiling oil through the gashes in his skin. It was unbearable. He needed it to stop. Jonah squeezed his eyes closed, releasing a sound akin to a dying animal at the excruciating pain.

When he opened his eyes… a figure stood in front of him, half-materialized, like it was creating itself out of thin air. The warm orange glow of the candles began to shift to a cold, too-bright violet.

He strained his eyes up to see, the angle much less than ideal with his tongue bolted to the floor. He wasn’t sure if that was the reason they looked so massive, or if they really were abnormally tall, but a glance at Reese for comparison proved it to be the latter.

Everything about them looked unnatural, all bright colors that might mark a plant or animal as toxic, screaming at his nailed-down body to run. Glowing fuschia markings slithered all over their skin, the pattern looking suspiciously like the one Jonah could feel carved into his back. A giant scorpion-like tail snaked out from behind them.

Jonah stared up at the- the demon, apparently. As their form became more solid, Jonah’s back burned less and less, the only thing he could possibly be thankful for in this moment.

The demon eyed him back threefold, an impossibly-wide grin full of sharp teeth splitting their six-eyed face. Jonah couldn’t help but whimper under their gaze.

“Izuloth!” Reese shouted, suddenly seeming so much less intimidating compared to the monstrosity before him.

Izuloth broke eye contact to direct their attention to him, their smile faltering and their eyebrow twitching with annoyance. Several of their eyes narrowed. “What?”

“I’ve summoned you! I’ve captured a sacrifice, carved your sigil, drawn this pentagram in my own blood. You will now grant me power, as promised,” Reese declared confidently.

The smile returned. “Awfully presumptuous, human. I don’t remember promising anything.”

“What- what are you talking about?” Reese sputtered. “That’s what it said in the book! You are now under my control!”

Izuloth smirked. “Oh, is that what it said. That was nice of them to put in there. Makes fools like you much more likely to summon me. Hm, I don’t think I care for your attitude, though.”

They snapped their fingers.

Jonah watched in horror as Reese’s body began to unravel in front of him. Skin peeled from muscle, exposing raw, bloody flesh and piling on the floor below in a wet heap that splashed Jonah’s face with blood- he could taste it on his outstretched tongue.

Reese tried to scream, but all that came out was a gurgle as his tongue joined the rest of his exposed muscles in shredding to bits, as if taken to on all sides, inside and out, with an invisible cheese grater. It was over within a minute: the remnants of his body collapsed to the floor, twitching with life for only a moment before going still.

Jonah was alone with Izuloth.

He whined in terror, too frozen to even try tugging at his restraints. If the demon could do that, it wouldn’t be any use anyway.

Izuloth, to his dismay, turned their attention back to him. “Now, where were we?”

They reached a hand down to pet his hair. Jonah squeezed his eyes shut, his entire body tensed up in anticipation.

Suddenly, Izuloth grabbed his hair and pulled. Jonah’s eyes flew right back open as his tongue ripped right out of the nail, bisecting it down the middle with an agonizing tear. His scream of pain cut short when Izuloth grabbed him by the frayed end of his tongue, their many-eyed face inches away.

“Pretty thing, I think I’ll keep you.”

-

ART BY AKIA WHUMP-QUEEN!!!

-

everything taglist:

@lilac-and-lemon-whumps

@t0rture-me

@whump-for-all-and-all-for-whump

@dismemberment-on-a-tuesday-night

@whumpshaped

@pigeonwhumps

@the-scrapegoat

@whumpycries

one-shots taglist:

@icyheart-and-friends

@kira-the-whump-enthisiast

@whuarri

@reborrowing

[red-tape-zine]

Leftover sales!

Did you miss your chance to snag Volume 2 of the Red Tape Zine? Don't worry, we have the shop open for our leftover sale! As a bonus, we also have some B-Grade Volume 1 books available as well. Check it out!

[kumeko]

A/N: For the @zodiac-carnival-zine! I love the banter and easy friendship between these three (with Hatori barely keeping these two from falling into chaos).

…

…

…

…

Hatori was a busy man. He had to be as the Sohma family doctor. His clan was a large, sprawling one, and he had more patients than he had hair. Between his constantly complaining elders and his rambunctious younger kin, he had his hands full.

All of that wasn’t including his twelve special patients. They weren’t special in the sense that they had a lot of health problems, needing specialized care and constant attention. No, they were special in the sense that eleven of them were cursed to transform into the twelve zodiac animals. Special in the sense that the twelfth patient was a single, sadistic god. If it weren’t for the fact that he was the twelfth zodiac animal, Hatori wouldn’t have believed a word about the family curse.

Oddly enough, that wasn’t the strangest part of his family—no, that was reserved for the fact that they all lived in a circus. He had never been able to make heads nor tails of that fact, only that it was. At least it was a permanently based one, instead of a travelling circus; he couldn’t imagine the effort it would take to transport the entire clan from city to city.

The only benefit to it was that it wasn’t unusual to see a tiger or a horse here, so it wasn’t too hard hiding a transformation. Not that his own transformation was anything special—the dragon he turned into was more of a sea horse than a beast to be feared. For a while he had considered studying veterinary medicine, just in case, but now he was grateful that he didn’t. Who knew how busy his days would have been then?

Actually, he knew the answer to that: the same as now, too busy. Which is why he didn’t have the time to stand in front of a full-length mirror, his arms erect at his side as he made a giant ‘T’ shape. Grumpily, he stared at his reflection. “I shouldn’t be here.”

“Why not?” Standing next to him, Ayame gasped and clutched his chest. His measuring tape hung loosely between his fingers as he swayed back and forth. “You don’t like my costumes?”

Hatori bit his cheek. In all honesty, the black pants were a little too loose for his tastes. The only saving grace was the soft blue shirt, the tamest thing he’d seen come out of Ayame’s wardrobe. It missed all the bells, frills, and whistles that usually made up Ayame’s fashion sense. Still, there was no point in bringing that up. “No, that wasn’t—”

“This magnificent cape is more than just a cape, Tori,” Ayame argued passionately, plucking a regal blue cape off a nearby chair and draping it across Hatori’s back. “Look at how elegant the fur trim is, how passionate the blue, how eye-catching the apparel is—this is truly the outfit of a hero!”

He felt a headache forming. “Again, that wasn’t what I said.”

Shigure poked his head out of one of the many costume-filled racks. The red tent was utterly filled with them, making the small place feel even smaller and cozier. Wearing a pirate hat and an eye patch, he raised a brow. “What’s not to like? It’s a world of dreams.”

“Gure!” Ayame turned back to Shigure. Hatori could almost see the hearts in his eyes. “I knew you’d understand.”

“Of course I would, Aya,” Shigure replied, traipsing over. Now that he was fully out of the rack, Hatori could make out the space suit he was wearing, and not for the first time he wondered just what Shigure was up to. Clasping Ayame’s hands, Shigure crooned, “Your dreams are mine.”

“I only see you in them every night,” Ayame murmured back, a grateful smile crossing his face. The lighting from Ayame’s workstation only made them look all the more dramatic.

Exactly three seconds after (and it was always three seconds, Hatori wasn’t sure just when those two had figured that three seconds of staring was the exact right amount, but they had), Shigure and Ayame turned to him with identical grins, giving him a thumbs up. “See?” they parroted at the same time.

“See what?” Hatori replied dryly, resisting the urge to sigh. He’d been through this who knew how many times, yet they always managed to tire him out. “Anyways, that’s not it. Your costumes are very well made, Ayame.”

“Tori!” Letting go of Shigure, Ayame leaped forward and hugged Hatori tightly. “I knew you’d like them.”

“Then what’s wrong?” Shigure asked, already turning back to the racks. Hatori knew with a hundred percent certainty that the man was bored; he was only here to try on different costumes. As long as he wasn’t stirring up trouble elsewhere, Hatori would just have to live with it.

“It’s just…” Hatori brushed his hair back, running his fingers through his locks. “I’m the only doctor, I don’t have time to be a performer too.”

“Why can’t you be both?” Ayame asked, pulling back slightly and cocking his head.

“Please don’t ask that seriously.” Hatori sighed again. “I don’t have enough time. I don’t understand why Akito ordered us to perform together again.”

“Akito just likes pushing you,” Shigure replied, rifling through the racks. He pulled out several hangers as he talked. Hatori wasn’t sure if he was imagining the slight jealousy in Shigure’s voice.

“I really don’t need to be pushed,” Hatori grumbled, patting Ayame on the back before gently extracting himself. “Even just taking care of our group is more than enough on my plate.”

Not listening, Shigure murmured, “Or maybe he’s feeling insecure after all…”

“Insecure?” Hatori wasn’t sure if he was supposed to hear that last part, or if he even wanted to. He had his suspicions that Tohru, their new part-timer, hadn’t actually just stumbled into the job like Shigure had claimed. That perhaps his childhood friend was up to something devious.

The only question was if he had enough energy to deal with it all. The answer was a resounding no and he sighed. “Please don’t drag others into your schemes.”

“Schemes? Me?” Shigure plopped a princess crown on his forehead and tried on a pair of angel wings. He gave the most innocent look possible. “Never. Besides, you spend wayyyy too much time in your tent. You need a break.”

“And what greater break is there, than performing with us?” Ayame had stars in his eyes as he posed dramatically. “The bright lights shining down on us, the audience clapping, a flurry of petals—it’ll be just like the good old days.”

Shigure crossed his arms and nodded sagely. “Women swooning, girls wanting my number again—I can’t wait.”

Hatori wasn’t sure how much of that was a joke, and how much of it was serious. It was probably both, considering Shigure. “This doesn’t sound like much of a break.”

He hadn’t really expected a response. Which was good, because as usual he didn’t get one. The pair had a feedback loop between them, pumping each other higher. Or rather, Shigure was pumping Ayame higher because he refused to put the breaks on the whole thing.

“Perfect casting, the three of us as the three musketeers.” Shigure raked a hand through his dark hair, pushing his bangs back as he gave a rakish grin. “Utterly flawless.”

“And romantic!” Ayame added, raising an imaginary sword. His measuring tape and other costume making tools were long forgotten and Hatori had no doubt this measuring session would take far longer than it ought to. His silver hair flowed around him as he twirled. “The brotherhood, the betrayal, the friendship—romance at its finest.”

“Romantic, huh?” Hatori paused at that. Tohru flashed across his mind. Perhaps there was some value to this after all.

After the snow melts, spring comes.

He smiled automatically. Maybe he could pay her back for earlier with a front row ticket. She seemed like she’d enjoy a good love story.

“Ohhh?” While he’d been distracted, Ayame had gotten close once more, leaving only the faintest gap between them as he looked into Hatori’s eyes. He smirked slyly. “What’s that, Tori? Are you thinking about someone? Is it…a man’s romance?”

Hatori did not want to know what that meant. Frowning, he stepped back. “Not at all.”

“Are you sure?” Shigure was suddenly at his other side, wearing a Cheshire grin, “You weren’t thinking about anyone?”

“Yes.” Giving him a deadpan look, he flicked Shigure on the forehead. It was important to stop nonsensical thoughts from latching to his brain for too long—Hatori didn’t need to handle yet another one of his schemes. “Now, let’s get this over with. I still have patients to see.”

“Booooo,” Shigure pouted, rubbing his forehead. “That hurt.”

“Stop crying.” Rolling his eyes, Hatori stepped back in front of the mirror and spread his arms. “Ayame?”

“Of course!” Ayame skipped past Shigure, humming softly as he started to measure once more. “I’m glad you’re taking a break. You need it.”

Ayame’s tone was utterly soft, utterly kind, and Hatori relaxed. “This still sounds more like work than a break,” he replied, but the bite was out of his voice. He couldn’t help it—it was impossible to stay mad at his friends for long. However misguided their actions were, it was out of caring that they prodded him like they did.

And he was a lucky man to have so many people care for him.

Though, if they really cared, they’d learn how to rein in their behaviours more. Half of his problems would disappear.

“But, you’re right.” Hatori smiled back, shifting slightly as Ayame adjusted the cape on his shoulders. In the mirror, it looked rather roguish. “It’ll be fun to work with you two again.”

“Fun?” Shigure asked, smirking.

“Fun,” Hatori repeated. For all the headaches, the time he spent with them had always been enjoyable.

“Lots of fun,” Ayame agreed, wrapping an arm around Hatori’s shoulder as he examined their reflection in the mirror. Seemingly content with what he saw, he let go and went to grab the matching hat form where it’d been thrown haphazardly on a chair. “That reminds me, Yuki, yes that Yuki, has asked me to make his costume.”

“Yuki did?” Hatori almost couldn’t believe it.

“Yes, isn’t it amazing! Our brotherly love has pushed through, connecting once more!” Ayame clutched the hat tightly and dabbed his eyes with the brim. “He came to me, tears in his eyes, and asked me to make it for him and his princess, Tohru.”

Shigure snickered as he chimed in, “And Kyo’s playing the horse.”

Hatori was about 90% certain that Shigure had a hand in that.

“He will be the most noble steed ever seen.” Ayame pumped his fist. Hatori could almost see waves crashing behind him. “For he is carrying my darling Yuki into battle. I have already started Yuki’s thirteen-layer suit, and the fifteen ruffles on Tohru’s dress. No one will have ever seen a greater—”

Hatori rubbed his forehead. Maybe after this vacation, he could get another one to relax from the first one.

[sanguinevampirezine]

We know you've been anxiously slinking around our door, waiting for it to open. Won't you come in?

🦇Pre-Orders for Sanguine: An Original Vampire Zine Are Now OPEN!🦇

🛒Shop: https://sanguinevampirezine.bigcartel.com/

Bundles:

Crescent Moon (Digital Only) — $15

Looking to take just a nibble?

This bundle includes:

🩸 PDF copy of the zine. 

—--------------

Velvet Coffin (Zine Only) — $23

This is the perfect bundle to sink your teeth into.

This bundle includes a physical copy of the zine (A5 sized) as well as a PDF copy.

This bundle is also eligible for some tantalizing stretch goals:

🩸 At 50 shares on our pre-order post, a foil print will be added to this bundle.

—--------------

Open Door Policy (Half-Bundle) — $40

Not yet converted? This bundle will let you start to be a creature of the night without fully committing.

This bundle includes:

🩸Physical copy of the zine (A5 sized) 🦇 PDF copy of the zine 🌙 3 5x7 prints 🩸2 die cut stickers 🦇 2 bookmarks

This bundle is also eligible for some tantalizing stretch goals:

🌙 At 50 shares on our pre-order post, a foil print will be added to this bundle. 🩸 At 50 orders, a washi tape will be added to this bundle. 🦇 At 100 orders, an enamel pin will be added to this bundle. 🌙 At 125 orders, a shaker charm will be added to this bundle.

—-----------------

Bloody Mary (Merch Only) — $45

You have to make sure you have everything it takes to be a vampire!

This bundle includes:

🩸 3 5x7 prints 🦇 2 die cut stickers 🌙 2 bookmarks 🩸 1 sticker sheet 🦇 1 double sided acrylic charm 🌙 2 buttons

This bundle is also eligible for some tantalizing stretch goals:

🩸 At 50 shares on our pre-order post, a foil print will be added to this bundle. 🦇 At 50 orders, a washi tape will be added to this bundle. 🌙 At 100 orders, an enamel pin will be added to this bundle. 🩸 At 125 orders, a shaker charm will be added to this bundle.

—------------

Shades of Red (Full Bundle) — $55

If you’re looking to taste every drop of what we have to offer, this is the bundle for you!

This bundle includes:

🩸 Physical copy of the zine (A5 sized) 🦇 PDF copy of the zine 🌙 3 5x7 prints 🩸 2 die cut stickers 🦇 2 bookmarks 🌙 1 sticker sheet 🩸 1 double sided acrylic charm 🦇 2 buttons

This bundle is also eligible for some tantalizing stretch goals:

🌙 At 50 shares on our pre-order post, a foil print will be added to this bundle. 🩸 At 50 orders, a washi tape will be added to this bundle. 🦇 At 100 orders, an enamel pin will be added to this bundle. 🌙 At 125 orders, a shaker charm will be added to this bundle.

—------------

After Midnight (18+ Digital Add-On) — $5

This bundle includes a digital copy of our 18+ add-on volume.

🩸Please note that all buyers of this add-on must be 18+, as this zine contains NSFW content.

—------------

You can add a digital copy of our 18+ add-on volume to any bundle for $5.

Please note that all items are for pre-order. Orders are expected to go out tentatively some months after POs end and production starts.

For more information, please see our FAQ page.

[rustbeltjessie]

what should my next mini-zine(s) contain?

All the financial bullshit and red tape and stuff I’ve been dealing with has left me kinda uninspired, but I'm determined to get a mini-zine out to my subscribers this month (well, at this point, they won't actually be mailed until early September, but YKWIM).

Anyway, I wanted to let y'all vote on what that zine might contain. I put the same basic poll on my Ko-fi, but it struck me that more people will probably see it here, so I’m posting it here too. (And I don’t even care if you’re one of my subscribers or not, you can still vote!)

All of the items are projects or pieces which I've already started, and all will require about the same amount of time + effort to complete. (Except the art one. That one I could put together in a day. If I don't get enough votes otherwise, I'm gonna give myself a break and just go with that one this month.)

If your vote ultimately isn't chosen this month, I may use it in one of the coming months.

And finally: if you have some other topic/style/whatever you’d like to see me use aside from the ones listed here, let me know in the tags or notes! I probably won’t use it this month, but I may return to it in the future.

So…

[nehswritesstuffs]

Peer Review

Something about this sort of scenario seems just so Law to me and I can't really put my finger on it, even after writing it out, so here we are.

3227 words; starts off with a 19yo Law and all the self-righteous fury contained therein (Penguin is 21, Shachi 20, and Bepo 15, for comparison); I’m sure that some people have done something similar but it’s my turn with the football now I guess; may or may not work within canon, idk yet, try not to think about it too much; maybe get an additional editing pass after I sleep idk on that either

Peer Review; Law is sick of watching all of Flevance's contributions go to waste, which leads him to take drastic measures: passing board exams.

-_-_-_-_-_-_-

“Uh… are you sure this is a good idea…?” Penguin wondered. He watched as Law was hunched over the table in the Polar Tang’s mess hall, furiously completing paperwork. His captain did not answer him and that only made him worry more. “Cap…?”

“Ignore him,” Shachi droned from the kitchen. “You’re never going to win.”

“This is not about winning—this is about him being delusional.”

“No, what’s delusional,” Law said, slamming his pen down on the table, “is that these uptight twits playing at doctor think they can just ignore an entire plethora of medical and scientific achievements simply due to the authors getting in the crossfire of a genocide! They know they’re not publishing the truth in these fucking jokes they call medical journals! It’s like peer review means that they just skimmed it over right quick before putting it to press! If they had any shred of ethical acumen these works would be known and referenced!”

“Literally none of us have ever seen you more upset and it’s kind of scary,” Penguin mentioned. “I mean, you’re sounding like you’re about to vomit a thesaurus.”

“What I am about to vomit is the contents of my stomach because they are ignoring my parents’ work!” Law retorted. He gestured over to the wall, where a knife had been Shambled into the metal as it held up a journal that had been stabbed through the center. “I remember reading it! I was there! My parents let me read over it to check for typos! And we’re talking about one of the medical associations that turned me away as a kid!”

“Yeah, and what is passing boards going to do about it?”

“Give me an in.” Law went back to the paperwork, manically filling everything out to the best of his ability. He put together what he hoped was an impressive resume, hoping that it would be enough to convince the licensing committee to allow him to sit the boards without going through all of med school on-island first. If he was pressed, he probably could have figured out how he knew more than the average fourth-year med student by the time he was eight years old…

“Hey everyone! News Coo’s here!”

“Shit!” Law scrambled to sit up and run over to the hatch of the Polar Tang, where Bepo was waiting on the top deck. A News Coo was sitting idly on the railing, resting itself as it stared at the pile of mail in Bepo’s paw. Law took the envelopes from the Mink and began to sort through them, finding one small, discreet letter amongst ad leaflets about a WEJ news subscription and Shachi’s naughty Sora, Warrior of the Sea fan zine.

A letter from the licensing board.

Law shoved the rest of the mail back towards Bepo and tore open the envelope. He read it over three times, with his friends divvying up their own mail in the meantime.

“I got my in,” Law marveled quietly, voice barely above a whisper. He turned towards his crew—his friends—his brothers—and laughed. “I can take the exam!”

“You what…?” Shachi blinked in confusion. “What was all that paperwork for then?”

“Red tape that they want me to come in and fill out, but I already got the jump on them so they can’t pretend like it doesn’t exist.” Law put up a Room and popped the paperwork, a pen, and an envelope to the deck, replacing it with the letter and Shachi’s zine. He ignored the complaints as he put together his response and stuffed it in the envelope, putting it in the News Coo’s bag before the bird took off.

Now, it was off to Lvneel.

-_-_-_-_-_-_-

“You have an… interesting set of credentials,” the woman at the desk frowned. She let her eyes flit from the papers in front of her to the boy sitting on the other side of her desk. He was trying to not fidget, though it was also apparent that the attempt at looking serious was just something unfortunate his face did. Not only that, he looked so young, even if he did have patchy facial hair filling in on his chin and cheeks. So young and so unsettlingly familiar…

“All worth its weight, I can assure you,” he replied. “The gap I can explain by having worked out in the field, which I’m told is often worth as much as thrice the same amount of time in the classroom.”

“True… but without verification, I can’t really say that this is as solid as you claim, not to mention the fee…” She watched as the boy took some money from his inner jacket pocket and placed it on the table. “A bribe…?”

“All the admissions fees, up front, in your hands, now.” He stared her down as she counted it—not a beri out of place. “There is nothing barring me from taking the exam.”

“You’re feisty—I like you,” she smirked. “You’ll mostly be a pain to the other departments, which to me is honestly enough reason to let you through. You just have to remember something.”

“Anything.”

“Lvneelish people don’t take kindly to being made fools.” The boy froze, seemingly afraid he was caught in some sort of lie, and she chuckled. “I don’t know who you are, Wittman Lars, or where you really came from, but just remember that if you’re going to go through with this, then make it good. Do you understand?”

“Yes, ma’am,” the boy nodded. He looked cowed, as though he rarely deferred as such. She watched as he bit his lower lip in thought, slipping further away from the headstrong confidence that he had walked in with. “If I pass this exam, I can submit studies and critiques to the Greater Lvneel Medical Journal, right?”

“It would be within your right, yes.” She raised an eyebrow at the boy, who looked much younger in that moment than she was comfortable with. “I won’t ask your reasons, but is that why you are sitting this exam?”

His silence was all the answer she needed.

“Then get out of my office—collect the necessary paperwork on the way out.” She handed him a slip of paper with a stamp on it, which he stared at incredulously… as though he didn’t entirely believe he was holding it. “Exams are in three weeks; a failed exam can be retaken in six months. Not reporting forfeits your right to another chance for a year. Cheating bars you for five years. Any other questions will be answered by the secretaries; now leave.”

It took a moment for the boy’s brain to catch up and he scrambled up from the chair and scurried out of the office like a scared animal unsure of its limbs. She nodded to herself, wondering how many people would see in the boy what she saw—hopefully not too many.

-_-_-_-_-_-_-

“Three weeks?!” Penguin griped. They were in the small rented house they had found on the outskirts of the city, far enough away from the main of Lvneel to not attract too much attention. Shachi was already getting dinner prepped while Bepo was helping Law sort through medical books at the kitchen table. The eldest Heart Pirate had just gotten home with the shopping when Law dropped the news on him.

“That’s when it is; can’t change it,” Law replied. “I’m surprised the registrar let me do any of it at all.”

“This is going to eat into our savings, you know this,” Penguin frowned. Shachi wordlessly took the bag from his hand and procured the seal meat that was going to be the night’s dinner. “We don’t have that much.”

“I thought the haul we got from those Kueni assholes was more than enough to let us coast for half a year in a more central part of town,” Law reminded him. Penguin only folded his arms in response. “Besides, it’ll do us good to be on land for a bit, and the Tang’s not that far away if you want to visit her.”

“She’s a ship, not a woman.”

“Yeah, but same rules apply.” Law opened a Room and moved a fresh stack of books to a nearby shelf. “We’re going to be here long enough for me to sit the exam and get a hold of my certification. If it takes that long, then it’s going to take that long.”

“You’re fucking nuts if you think we’re going to stay under the radar the entire time.”

“Then it’s a good thing I don’t.” Law handed Bepo a book and pointedly did not look at Penguin. “I think she recognized me.” His crewmates all stopped to stare at him in horror.

“Wait, what?!” Shachi snapped. “Cap, don’t tell me you’re going to get us all busted because of this!”

“We won’t,” Law assured. “They can’t prove anything, not until it’s too late, and once I get my license they can’t strip me of it unless a malpractice suit comes up against me or there’s an injunction, both of which take time.”

“It’s bad enough Bepo’s a bear—don’t apologize Bep—but someone recognizing you?!” Shachi put his hands on his hips while their kid brother whimpered. “We’re literally hundreds of miles from Flevance. Why do you think this lady recognized you?!”

“Just a feeling,” he shrugged. “People travel for work or pleasure; medical tourism was a thing where I grew up; I’ve got a Flevench face—any number of reasons.”

“For fuck’s sake…”

“I told you,” Penguin said, gesturing at Law as though he wanted to add a “see this shit” at the end.

“Then leave,” Law deadpanned. He handed another book to Bepo, who put it in the appropriate stack. “Nothing’s stopping you. The door’s right there.”

“Yeah, but why would we leave Bepo alone with you?” Penguin scoffed. “He needs an adult.”

“I am an adult.”

“Tch; barely.”

“…and whose idea was it to beat the bear up?”

Okay, he had them there, but…!

“Are you going to hang that over us forever?” Shachi groaned.

“As long as I need to.”

“Then I say I should be able to hold my arm over you in retaliation,” Penguin sniffed. Law simply acted as though he hadn’t heard his eldest crewmate, continuing with sorting his study materials. “It still gets tingly, you know.”

“That’s because you probably have carpal tunnel, not because of anything I did,” Law replied dully. “I’d fix it for you if you let me near your arm next time you experience localized paresthesia.”

Penguin and Shachi exchanged an exasperated look before looking at Bepo, who shrugged helplessly. The sooner they could get their captain off this rock, the sooner he’d be less of a dick, they supposed.

-_-_-_-_-_-_-

While the crankiness that the Hearts dealt with as Law was studying for his exam was unbearable, the exam itself was even worse. Law sat in the large room with dozens of other applicants; it was warm and stuffy and smelled like burnt coffee and body odor. He was the youngest person in the room by-far, which was something that he knew others noticed. The uncomfortable feeling of eyes on him raked against the young man as he sat at his seat and readied himself alongside all the other candidates. He knew that not only was he not someone who had been through courses with everyone else there, but he looked different—like his father—and there had to be at least a few people in the room aware enough to put two and two together. The Doctors Trafalgar had both done plenty of talks on neighboring islands, after all.

In both an instant and forever, the exam was done. The room was made to put down their pens and Law began to panic, knowing there was too much test left. He put all the papers in order in their folder and handed them in despite his nerves. Before he realized it, the teen was vomiting in the bushes outside of the university hall, Penguin and Shachi holding onto him while Bepo wrung his paws in distress.

“What the fuck has you like this, Cap?” Shachi wondered as Law finished dry-heaving. The younger man was still shaking unsteadily within his grasp.

“I… I couldn’t finish the test,” he croaked, voice raw. “They kept staring at me… and I couldn’t even finish…”

“Maybe they design it so no one finishes?” Bepo offered.

“That doesn’t help,” Law moaned. He stood up and weakly shook off Penguin and Shachi. Neither of them backed away, which he took in stride. “I still just sat an exam I didn’t finish—I always finish my exams.”

“Last time you finished an exam you were ten,” Penguin reminded him.

“Nuns don’t make it easy,” Law reasoned as though it was the most obvious thing in the world. Something sat in the pit of his stomach, seeped into his empty stomach and weary heart, and he frowned. Fuck… of all the things… “I don’t think I passed.”

“Can’t you retake it?” Bepo asked.

“In six months,” Law replied, “and I don’t want to stick around that long. We can’t afford it.”

“We’ll get there when we get there,” Penguin assured. “Now, what are we going to have for dinner? I’m fucking starved.”

Law laughed awkwardly as his friends began to discuss their dinner options, thinking that his sitting of the boards exam was cause for celebration. He allowed himself to be dragged along to the celebration, despite not feeling much like partying or eating, and spent the entire rest of the day and into the evening trying to calm himself down the best he could.

‘They know,’ he kept on thinking. He felt hyper-aware of everything—of everyone—as they sat in a pub with food and beer for the rest of the night. Bepo even had his first drink, much to the bear’s disgust, and provided the other two goobers with entertainment that lasted for hours.

“C’mon, Cap,” Shachi chuckled, his words on the verge of slurring. Law had lost count of how many beers any of them had, yet it was not enough for him to not cringe as his crewmate threw his arm over his shoulder and leaned in. “You gotta loosen up at some point tonight.”

“I don’t really feel like it,” Law replied for what was likely the dozenth time. “I don’t even really want to be here.”

“I don’t either,” Bepo squeaked. “I feel sick.”

“You barely finished your pint!” Penguin scolded.

“I’m sorry! It just tastes so gross!”

“Your first few pints are supposed to be gross.”

“I don’t think how it’s supposed to go…”

“Ah, we’ll make a man out of you yet,” Penguin scoffed. He looked at Law over the rim of his mug and shrugged. “Eat something; you look like you’re going to pass out.”

“No.”

“I don’t really think it counts as mutiny if I act for the good of the captain,” he reminded him. Law rolled his eyes and busied himself with one of the whale fritters that were still on the table. “Good. Now, what are we going to do about those bounty hunter-looking types across the room that have been eyeing us for about an hour?”

Okay, it made him feel a little better that it wasn’t just something that had buried its way into only his brain. He watched as both Penguin and Shachi went and stood, the pair deciding to let their captain and navigator sit this one out—they had to take care of the kids somehow, and this was something they definitely knew how to do even when drunk as they were.

Law went and Shambled some takeaway boxes to the table—he was not letting whale fritters, fries, and Flevench-style croquettes go to waste because the idiots got into some trouble.

-_-_-_-_-_-_-

Three days passed by slowly. Painfully. It almost made Law go completely mad. He sat in their rented house the entire time, pacing the floor. When he wasn’t pacing, he was bouncing his leg as he sat, or tossing and turning on his bed, or just being restless in general. It was enough to make his crew crazy, almost wishing they had waited out the results while on the Polar Tang. In fact, Bepo had to sit on Law in order to keep him from rushing to the door when the mail courier arrived, leaving Penguin to get it and Shachi open the envelope.

It didn’t matter one way or the other—he passed.

…he passed, but with a caveat.

-_-_-_-_-_-_-

“I NEED A STAMP! DOES ANYONE HAVE A STAMP?!”

Law’s shouting fell on deaf ears as the rest of the Hearts rested on the beach of the island they were docked at. He needed just one more to take care of the Coo fee and it seemed as though his reserves had run dry. At least it seemed as though the News Coo was taking advantage of the delay, the bird relaxing in the sun of the Summer Island’s Spring.

“DOES ANYONE HAVE A STAMP?” he repeated, doing his best to allow his voice to carry. No one paid him any heed; there was plenty to do with their time on land that facilitated the accidental ignoring of their captain. Sunbathing, volleyball, splashing in the water, setting up for the night’s big barbecue/bonfire… it was looking as though the crew was going to have a great afternoon on the tiny spit of an island they were resting on.

Except, suddenly, Law opened a Room and swapped his crewmates with a bunch of barnacles that had not yet been scraped off the top overdeck, dropping everyone rather unceremoniously onto the wooden planks.

“Ow! Hey! What’d you do that for?!” Ikkaku snapped.

“Since no one listened to me the first time, I had to resort to drastic measures,” Law reasoned. “Does anyone have a stamp? The Coo’s waiting.”

“Oh for fuck’s sake, I got it,” Clione griped. He went below deck, returning to the rest of the crew being back on land as he held a postage stamp towards his captain. Law took it and attached it to the front of the thick, buff-colored envelope along with four others before offering it to the News Coo. The bird regarded it sourly before squawking in resignation, allowing Law to put it in his bag. “What’s it about this time, Captain?”

“Vitamin D intake in correlation to heavy metal poisoning’s effects on the Human body,” Law explained as the Coo flapped off. “I needed so many stamps because I included two copies.”

“One by Trafalgar Law about Amber Lead and…?”

“…one by Doctor Wittman Lars about arsenic and mercury,” he admitted. “I don’t think the case study about Jean Bart’s tinea pedis and its correlation to his days in captivity is ready yet; still needs some refining in regards to outlining the causation.”

“The entire world isn’t ready for Jean Bart’s feet; subjecting Lvneel to it is just plain cruel,” Clione shuddered. “The snail photos you had me take still haunt my nightmares.”

“Be glad you weren’t around for the Bed Bugs or Mange Debacle,” Law reminded him. Clione nodded silently in reply—all he wanted from that was the stories and he didn’t even really want those.