#reason why grandmother comes up a lot is because we lived with my grandma for a couple years as a kid for awhile

[brb-on-a-quest]

DAY EIGHT

(hi, remember that if you guys have any ideas for questions I can use, you all can feel free to drop them in my box! not running out of inspiration yet, but its cool to have a wide variety of questions that I might not think of otherwise!)

~season edition~

what season are you living in right now?

what do you like most about it?

what do you like least about it?

what is your favorite season and why? (if it isn't the one you're already living in now lol)

what is your least favorite season and why? (if it isn't the one you're already living in now lol)

if there was one thing you could add/take away/change about 1 season of the year, what would it be and why?

and finally, what are some of your favorite local plants that go with each season? (example: spring-daffodils, summer-roses, fall-sunflowers, winter-evergreen) (can be any plants too, not just flowers)

Most people have Seasonal depressive disorder in the winter when everything is cold and dark and dreary. Mine hits a lot more in the summer (sigh. its summer). There are some good things about it. I like not doing homework, but there's a lot of.... added relationship stresses that get strained during the summer that is sometimes very not fun. I tend to put myself in situations and then don't actually have the backbone to defend myself from situations or making it unnecessarily harder than it needs to be. That being said, I love seeing the irl bestie (would simply not come home if it weren't for her and be looking for more work up near school) and my littlest sister is amazing to say the least.

Favorite season? I have a feeling that will change soon as I finally "get adulted" and graduated and need to move out of house and home but right now i am so much a winter and fall (particularly fall) kind of person because I am not, have never been built for heat and get very much sick in it if I'm out for Too Long in It (like now *cries*).

If I could cahnge/takeaway I'd make summer less hot so I don't get as sick which would remove a lot of summer hatred ("But Birb you could just move to like someplace cold like alaska") But then there's snow all the time And Driving In the Snow is a nightmare and I don't want to do that either (nah, i just have very little practice because do not drive as much as I should because don't normally do much during the summer and during the school year I have no car so friends drive to places; It's just a practice will get over fear of snow driving). If I can't make summer max like 5-10 degrees colder, I'd like snow to be everywhere except the roads (lmao i wish we had snow repellent roads somehow).

(Im cheating and looking up flowers no one can stop me i am too nauseous to rememer things).

spring: crocuses are pretty and bleeding hearts are nostalgic but overall picks are peonies or lilys of the valley (grandma had a bunch of those in the garden).

Summer: asters!! And daisies!! and the black eye susans!! and the coneflower daises (i called them inside out daisies for awhile)

Fall: I think grandma's marigolds were fallish? that may be summer and I maybe entirely incorrect but they giveth fall aesthetic.

Winter: we had poinsettias around Christmas times (always in the greenhouse and the cats were never allowed in there) so those ones. The real ones were so much prettier than the plasticky ones but yk beggers can't be choosers.

[babyangelsky]

Faith as a love language and why I want Ju Yeong to give Do Hoe his cross necklace

Let me preface this by saying that one, my interpretations are drawn heavily from my own personal experience as well as the culture I was raised in and two, that this is going to be very rambly and maybe not make a whole lot of sense to anyone but me. But @respectthepetty encouraged me to get this out of my brain so here we are.

In order to explain what I mean in the title of this post and actually get into the meat of it, there's two other things I need explain first. There are layers to this so please bear with me.

The first thing is that I am not and have never really been a practicing Catholic. I believe in god and have a very loose, very personal system of spiritual belief but I am not religious. My grandmother is Catholic however, a very devout one, and since she helped to raise me I would say I was partially raised Catholic. Emphasis on the partially because my beautiful mother in her infinite wisdom (and due entirely to her own religious trauma) felt it was important to give me a choice on the matter and figure out my faith for myself, which I love her dearly for.

(She also once infamously refused to kiss the ring of the local very important priest in the village she grew up in which is one of my favorite things about her)

However, I've learned that even if you are given a choice on whether or not religion will play any part in your life, that does not save you from developing religious trauma. Especially if you also happen to be queer and especially if you don't adhere dogmatically to the widely accepted--and arbitrary--set of rules that determine whether you are considered a "good (insert faith here)".

The second thing has to do with cross necklaces and why being given one is a very specific loving gesture.

I lived in Mexico for a while a couple of years ago. On the day that I was due to come back to the States, my grandma gave me a cross necklace. She didn't just give me a cross necklace, she gave me her necklace that had been custom made for her. She wanted me to have a safe flight and get home in one piece so she gave it to me.

I have worn that necklace every single day for the past two years. If I happen to wear another necklace for outfit reasons, I put my cross in my pocket. It's always around my neck or on my body. Always. And the thing is, I don't wear it to signify my belief god.

In the broader sense of faith and what it means to people, giving someone a necklace like that holds a lot of weight. Taking something off of your body, your 'self', that you trust to keep you safe and that represents your faith and your beliefs and then putting it on someone you love to keep them safe is such a visceral expression of love. It becomes a symbol of faith in a different way.

As I've established, I'm not devout like my grandma is. The necklace doesn't represent to me what it does to her. I wear it because doing so makes me feel loved and safe because she gave it to me, not because I have faith of my own.

Now, having said allllll of that.

Ju Yeong's cross necklace has been established to primarily represent not his faith, but his family's expectations. Expectations that he hasn't lived up to and that have turned that cross into a heavy symbol of his failure that keeps him shackled at all times except when he chooses to take it off. And when he chooses to take it off matters.

He took it off when he confessed to Do Hoe and again when he slept with him because in those moments he wants to be free of that burden, free of those expectations, free to just love Do Hoe without having to think about anything else. Not even god.

Because even if the necklace isn't primarily a symbol of Ju Yeong's faith, it still is a symbol of his faith or rather, the faith that he had no choice but to adhere to when he became a pastor's son. That's what makes Do Hoe misunderstand what it means for Ju Yeong to take it off when he's with him. He interprets it as Ju Yeong being ashamed, as wanting to hide his sin, as only allowing himself to love Do Hoe when god isn't watching. He's wrong, of course, but he doesn't know that. Yet. (Petty explained it better go read that post)

We haven't really gotten into Ju Yeong's relationship with his faith and with only two episodes left I don't think we will, and that's a shame because I think recontextualizing what the necklace means to him and what his faith means to him would help him heal.

(Which is something I believe anyone who has religious trauma should do at some point in their life, especially if they're queer. Religion is so often weaponized against people and something that's used to make them feel inadequate and ashamed and like they aren't allowed to draw comfort from it unless they fall in line with what it asks of them. We always think of it being used that way specifically against queer people but that isn't always the case. I'm not out to my family and I once had a relative look me in the eyes and tell me I was going to hell for not going to mass.)

Really it would help both of them heal because even though Do Hoe wasn't the one with the religious upbringing, the necklace is still making him feel the same sort of inadequacy and shame he thinks Ju Yeong feels.

Which is why I want Ju Yeong to give Do Hoe his cross necklace.

Recontextualizing what it means, allowing it to be a symbol of his faith and nothing more, and making the conscious decision to take it off of his body and put it on Do Hoe so Do Hoe knows that he's loved without shame would mean everything to me personally.

Faith is a love language. It's why Mexican mothers pin medals with the Virgin of Guadalupe on them to their newborns' onesies, why parents choose auspicious names for their babies, why the very first prayer Christian and Catholic children are taught is the guardian angel prayer, why grandmothers do the sign of the cross over their children and grandchildren and end every conversation with "que dios te acompañe", and why we put crosses on the people we love.

[aloneatpeace]

Fall Of Empire

Girl in the Woods ' 1 '

Summary :𝓯𝓪𝓽𝓮 𝓱𝓪𝓼 𝓪 𝓯𝓾𝓷𝓷𝔂 𝔀𝓪𝔂 𝓸𝓯 𝓫𝓻𝓲𝓷𝓰𝓲𝓷𝓰 𝓹𝓮𝓸𝓹𝓵𝓮 𝓽𝓱𝓪𝓽 𝓷𝓮𝓮𝓭 𝓮𝓪𝓬𝓱 𝓸𝓽𝓱𝓮𝓻 . 𝓽𝓱𝓮 𝓯𝓪𝓽𝓮 𝔀𝓪𝓼 𝓪𝓵𝓻𝓮𝓪𝓭𝔂 𝔀𝓻𝓲𝓽𝓽𝓮𝓷 . 𝔂𝓸𝓾 𝓬𝓪𝓷 𝓭𝓮𝓷𝔂 𝓸𝓻 𝓵𝓲𝓮 𝓽𝓸 𝔂𝓸𝓾𝓻𝓼𝓮𝓵𝓯 𝓫𝓾𝓽 𝓲𝓷 𝓽𝓱𝓮 𝓮𝓷�� 𝓱𝓮𝓪𝓻𝓽 𝔀𝓪𝓷𝓽𝓼 𝔀𝓱𝓪𝓽 𝓲𝓽 𝔀𝓪𝓷𝓽𝓼.

Disclaimer - this is pure fan fiction it's not real. I mean no disrespect to any of the members.The stroy is fictional it's doesn't have anything to do with the real life members of bts.

Warning - this chapter doesn't have anything but later we will reach the depth of story and there will. Abuse , degradation of women, sexism, men doing awful things, assault maybe more. (Not by the boys)

A/n : the fic take place as you can tell during mediaeval era or sort of it how would be a life of a girl that time from my perspective. Im not really good at and i don't wanna spoil it so that's it .

WC: 2132

“You are charming, you are everything any women would love to have. You are going to walk up to her and tell her that you like her that’s it.” Hoseok gives himself speech feeling proud of himself, he picks up his bag flung it over his shoulder and march towards where his horse was standing patiently for him.

Upon seeing his companion, the horse let out a happy noise greeting him. Hoseok smile brightly, a contagious smile that made the sun himself feel a little insecure. He pets the horse affectionately.

The sound of footsteps reaches his ear.

 hoseok take breath preparing to hear what he heard a thousand times “son, be careful when go there and if the crazy girl tries anything use the weapon”

He turns to his mother “why is it so hard to believe that she is simply just like living in the woods?”

“You are too young and innocent my son” his mother cup his cheeks squishing them making him whines at display of affection “I don’t know who is your companion but everything he sell you make us good living so I will let you go”

Hoseok pauses for a minute “yeah …. he is private man?” he said with hesitation

“Come before celebration start, will you?”

Hoseok node at his mother and start navigate his hose with a soft grip on its neck.

Unlike everyone hoseok didn’t fear the woods, he often find himself yarning to take a walk round the forest. The trees standing tall and proud, sun light gilding through the branches of the trees. The sound of birds and squirrels is something that made hoseok smile something that lots of his villagers find uninteresting. The lake was always crystal clear, remanding him of the tears of mermaid tales that he heard growing up. The silence of woods never frightened him either because he knows there is nothing out there that could harm him.

He always coming up with reasons to go there, maybe the reason behind that is he simply love the forest or maybe because your home is in the forest and it’s the only way, he can see you. He used to think that it was the first one but as the time goes, he realized it might be not.

How the two of meet was fresh in his memory. Teen hoseok was rebellious and reckless, as teenager always curious to find out new things and his curious nature resulted in him find the hunter that lives in the woods. His grandmother would gather him and his siblings to tell the story of wild hunter that lives in the wood. He was most dangerous man the town, no one would dare to walk or look his way. He was taller and stronger than an average man. He would come town at beginning of the month and middle of it each year to collect things and then he would go back to the woods. His grandma would say that the woods is his home and no one was allowed to go there. He partially believed that his grandmother was lying so they don’t wonder off into the woods.

To test his theory, he went to woods he was happy to find no man was there but what stunned him was you kneeling on the ground plucking wild flowers beside a basket that was too big for your little arms.  He felt like creep for watching you do your thing, the way your hair was kept showed someone did a poor job the cream color ribbon tied just keep the hair falling on your face, dress that fit perfectly but mud stain at the bottom, boots that too big for you, but his insides were glowing warm making him tingle all over his body. You were in your own world and when he walked towards you startling you at unexpected visitor. When hoseok smile pushed his hands towards to greet you all you did was start to cry and throw the basket at him hastily before running away.

He was only seconds away running after you to explain he didn’t mean to make you cry but the sound of his parents’ voice calling his name made him change his path of running. Yeah, it wasn’t a good first impression.  

He parents were so furious at him and banned him for going to the woods again, everyone kept an eye on him and he wasn’t allowed to go alone for couple of years he was always accompanied with cousins or siblings. Sometimes he thought that you were just his imagination that proved wrong when he saw you again.

He was helping his father at the market when the hunter came to the usual routine, he no longer intimidated them but he surprised when a little girl trailed behind him her little hand securely kept in the mans calloused one.

You were clearly amazed by the market eagerly looking around the innocence and pure happiness radiated from you. Your clothes were neat but it’s worn out, someone really tried to make your hair more presentable as if you spent hours on it.

When his eyes meet yours this time toy didn’t show any fear just curiosity unknowingly a smile made its way to his lips and that made you smile as well. He remembers the hunter taking to buy clothes that’s fits you. The people casted him suspicious glances thinking what a young girl doing with a hunter. Clearly, he wasn’t the father judging by the appearance but he didn’t question it. As he tries to follow you his father pulled by his shirt denying his wish to meet up close. He watched from afar as you and the man collect thing from various shops before starting to leave.  

From there on you and the man would come and collect things and leave. Hoseok would try to walk up to you but always there will be someone preventing him from doing so and you never spent time longer than needed but you always looked at him some times even smiled at him.

But after one day you didn’t come at all he waited for but you never came later the hunter also stopped coming, it worried him. Are you ill? Why did you stop coming? Did something happen to you? There aren’t wild animals that could hurt you, he concluded that you were just ill and prayed the gods that you will be better. It annoyed him to no end for feeling that way, you’re just a stranger that he doesn’t know anything about, but something in him hurts thinking about you in pain, maybe its in his nature, he one of most empathic one in the village.  

His worries only increased when you nor the hunter never came, the people didn’t indulge in what happened to you. As he grows his responsibility grow to slowly, he starts to forget about you. Hoseok grown into fine young man everyone loved him young men envied him, but he was humble and kind to everyone.

Surprised would be understatement when he saw you again years later, just like the first time you were in your own world as you washed fresh fruits in near lake. He was starstruck when he saw you but this time you didn’t run away. With a titled head a small smile graced you face.

“You are not going to throw me in the water this time, are you?” he asked with a teasing smile on his lips

“Perhaps I will” there is no menace in the words its was light and playful, that’s made him laugh

From that a beautiful friendship was born and along the way he fallen for the girl in the woods. When everyone thought that she is witch that killed the hunter now living the woods controlling the woods.

His eagerness made him reach his destination faster, he smiles unknowingly when he sees your home, it radiates a sense of calm and warmth. A deer walks around the front of your home with no fear of his presence along with couple of rabbits and swans. Wild birds preached on window a total sense of safety indicated.

He calls out your name.

“In here” you yell from behind the house where you arrange different kind of fruits and wild flowers for him to sell at his shop. After the two of you become friends, you have been helping him find new flowers and fruits and vegetable that grow in the woods. The partnership had helped him and his family in more than one way.

But to him you were just simple girl that live in woods, there is no evil magic in you even if there is he would gladly let you use him. He learned that the hunter was like father to you and like him you also content with living in the woods.  

Washing the fresh fruits that you find couple of days ago, you answer him. Hoseok didn’t tie his horse as the it knows the routine, simply walks towards where you kept water and fresh leaves for him to each along with some fruits.

“Did you go deep in without me?” he asks after seeing buddle of flower that was, he never seen. He frowns at the thought of you running around the woods without him even if you lived your entire life in the woods he woods

“Yeah, I felt like walking after couple of hours I came across these beautiful flowers” you said with smile on your face not knowing his inner thoughts.

“Well wait for me next time”

It was time for him to go home you send Hoseok a smile “have lovely day Hoseok”.

You nodded your head before continuing Hoseok starts to tell you about how things back in his home, how you occasionally node and listen silently without making any attempt to talk. He never took that personally because he knew that you are used stay in silence and rather listen to him and you love that about him for not judging you or pressuring you to talk to him.  

He node at you, glancing at you he inhales slowly, oh heavens you are just captivating just by standing there in without realizing how mesmerizing your presence is, in worn out clothes here there is dirt and stains visible but that somehow made you more alluring he don’t know. Maybe someone else don’t agree with his statement but to him you’re the prettiest and most beautiful girl he know.

The soft whisper of his name falls from your lips bring him back from his blissful thoughts, sees you stand a little closer to him with a confused look on his, everything in his body scream to embrace you, take away the wariness of your bones, give his warmth to you, to love you. Without even knowing he caught up in his thoughts again. Making you worried even more at the lack of his response

A soft touch on his arm made him come back and he wish your touch stay like that feeling like it’s the only thing that connect him to reality.

“Are you feeling unwell? You look flustered and red like berries” you touch his forehead to feel his temperature making him go redder if that’s possible

He removes himself from you before he melts into a puddle of honey “I’m fine” his voice come out too rushed and out of breath he walks towards his horse, he stops for moment before fully turning to you, you tilt your head at confused when you start to walk towards you.

“I know it’s been a while but I was meaning to ask you……….” He pauses you silently encourage him to continue “wouldyoulikebeminefortherestofmylife” he blurred out so quickly.    

That was bad how can she be yours she is her own person

“Hoseok, I did not understand any of that” you said with a playful annoyed jest.

Good

“I was asking if you would like……to come with tonight’s celebration I was looking forward to have you there with me”

“I do not think that would be a good idea…” you trail off but seeing his defeated look on you face you falter a little and he never asked you to do something for him, if the celebration means that’s much to him, you’re willing to indulge in it “but I think we can give it a try” that made him light up like a sun in the early morning.

“Good…. Great even… then I will come to get you be prepared by dust”

With a bright smile on his face, he walks backward still smiling like teenage boy towards his horse.

Maybe he can tell you tonight how he feels.

Note : that's type of dress what I have on mind if you want you can change it I'm only showing the typical one. There won't any other description of what you'll wear.

Thank you for reading, comment, likes and reblogs it's help to write 💓🙏

Tag

Masterpost here

@thebisexualonesworld

[taysanimaladventures]

Just gonna. Bitch a bit lol. I'm sorry I don't have anything positive to share on here anymore. But I think prospective keepers need to know the shit that happens in this field.

Trigger warnings for animal neglect and death.

I was let go from a job. When I was working part time at my local zoo they underpaid me severely. I needed to take part time because my grandma was dying. I lived with my husband but the pay was so bad and hours were limited to 16 a week so I was forced to get a second job.

I quit the zoo last year which is a whole story in itself, but we are keeping it simple here. I think once I am a but cozy I will share that story and all the other stories at some point. Anyways I stuck with this second job for the past year while processing my grandmother's illness and eventual death to at least earn some income. However after my grandma passed I decided for certain I wanted to leave the industry. I learned the hard way that changing careers is not easy so I was sticking with them only for cash during this frustrating job search.

This second job was taking care of ambassador animals for an educational program. Nothing fancy, just a collection of small mammals, reptiles, amphibians, inverts, and an owl. My boss acted like she worshipped the ground I walked on because I busted my ass trying to help them rebuild their animal collection after their old one was lost to a wildfire.

I did a lot for them. A lot. I found reliable breeders to purchase from, set up the entire animal care work room, wrote care sheets for every single animal, created schedules, deep cleaned, did research and gave advice, and more. All of this while juggling a nasty sleep issue, depression and anxiety from my grandma's situation, and mental health issues up the wazoo from changing around medication.

Now while I bust my balls for my animals, over the years and years of exposure to terrible situations I have not been the most..... palatable person. I had a breakdown when my boss brought in a new bearded dragon and made little effort to quarantine it. I was irritated after the 4th time I come back from the weekend to empty water dishes and dirtier-than-normal cages. I got huffy with the people who take animals for making stupid mistakes, such as leaving a lamp on the edge of a snake enclosure causing it to melt. I had repeatedly requested my boss re-train staff so mistakes were minimal. She always said she would but I never saw a change. She even admitted to me she noticed staff were in deep conversation while handling animals which is probably why the mistakes were happening. And she wonders why I got pissed off at them??

My patience eventually ran dry after like 4 months of this shit and my boss -appeared- to be understanding that I have extensive trauma and I act the way I do because of it. It's not like I ever called anyone a mean name or bullied them, like I was the victim of way too many times when I first started out. I was outwardly unhappy, did not want to converse with anyone, and had a tone and was short sometimes. People still walked on eggshells around me. And you know what? I didn't give a shit and I still don't. I was a lone wolf in my duties and I wasn't required to converse with anyone except my boss. Plus no one here matters except for the animals. When you are careless with my animals, I am going to be pissed off.

But apparently my (now former) boss showed what really matters to her. She gave the keeper who forgot to refill water bowls a million chances to do better and never let her go. That keeper was the reason I even wrote those care sheets. But me? I'm grumpy and I challenge the status quo. Got to go. After blowing smoke up my ass for two years, saying I'm amazing and valuable and I can share anything with her and giving me a stupid piece of tape with stars on it for handling a sick animal.

I snapped from the stress.You should take a break. Ok, I'll take a fucking break! And then, a few days after my grandma's funeral which she knew about, I get an email: Oh so you can't come back this isn't working out anymore.

Sorry, what?

So I am here to shame the other shit this job did. Of course I spoke up, but it did not change anything.

-Two male rats kept in this cage. They were separated because they were fighting. They now live in two of these cages. I asked for a bigger cage. Blown off. I asked if the DIY guy could fuse the cages. "There's no point if we are getting a bigger cage." A year later, still the same cages. Btw they have diarrhea often.

-Rescued bearded dragon was brought in underweight. Boss said feed her insects every day (she was at least a year old, young but not a baby). Beardie starts getting chunkier and chunkier. I say hey we need to cut back in the notes. Ignored for a few weeks. She is morbidly obese. Only then the boss says cut back. She is also dead now and I only know this since I checked records while on "break." Wanna bet that was the morbid obesity?

-Another bearded dragon not feeling well. Eyes closed, black bearding. I'm hollering for him to be seen. "Oh it may just be because it's cooling down." Eventually sees the vet, the fucking quack says he's trying to brumate. I've never owned beardies but I called bs. Nothing was done except blasting more heat on him. Nothing changes. A week later, he vomits blood and dies. It was kidney failure.

-Leopard gecko not eating and slowly losing weight. In the notes several times over the course of a few months, "he is not eating and losing weight." I guess it was my bad for putting it in the notes I assumed were getting read instead of verbally telling my boss. Got ignored until I verbally told her. Gecko needed to be put down.

-Rabbit taken to programs way too often. He comes back and looks worn the fuck out. I bring this concern up to boss. "Yeah, we need to get a third rabbit." But otherwise nothing changes.

-Accepts a hermann's tortoise in a glass enclosure that nonstop runs into the glass, promises a tortoise table but here we are again a year later.

-Says yes to a frilled lizard from the quack of a vet as an apology for what happened with the beardie. Takes the vets word that his enclosure (a horizontal, not vertical enclosure with newspaper only and a red lamp and heat pad) is correct and it's "just like caring for a bearded dragon." The poor thing stops eating and the skin of her frills is dead from being unable to shed. Their solution is force feeding her. Fed up with leadership, I research the species and learned that everything we did was wrong. I set up proper lighting and substrate for her (can't do much about a vertical enclosure). She bounces back.

-"This animal doesn't look good, it shouldn't be taken to programs." "Okay" -2 days later they are back at programs- "Sorry we needed it."

I get that I was not necessarily a great person in this story, but I truly feel justified because this was such bullshit to deal with and now I am truly free of this hellish industry. I am unemployed and it's uncomfortable but it's better than dealing with this bullshit.

To my husband, friends, and family helping me get through this: thank you.

To Stephanie: fuck you.

[lyiswriting]

This is a something I have in my works that I would like to keep working on. Opinions are welcomed, there are many things I would like to change but soon.

This was inspired by "Radio Killed the Video Star" Not spell or grammar checked

Charlotte sat in her high school drama classroom as the sun came in through the window. The teacher goes on about a new project, to research old topics related to entertainment. Of course, many already jumping at the topic of TV gaining color or just the creation in general. Once home she thought about the project, what could she do that was different? This was supposed to be fun, but having so much range made it harder. That night she stayed up like usual going through channels until she stumbled upon something interesting “The Nightlight Show” She remembered hearing about this from her grandfather.

She thought he mentioned it was a radio show though. She watched on, a female lead. It felt so different, she was gorgeous, making jokes and skits even had fictional characters. The episodes weren’t long but with her tone, it was obvious she was reading off of something. The next morning she asked about it “Oh, that old thing? Once TV was created they switched. You know many people believe that the woman…Nancy! Nancy Ross. That she wasn’t the same girl on the radio.” Her grandmother Alice laughed “Hey! I’m one of those people! You saw how tragic her death was?” Grandpa Fern responded.

“She was attacked in her dressing room by a crazy fan Fern. Get over it… your grandfather was a big fan” Grandma Alice said as she shook her head. “There was foul play there Alice I’m telling you! Radio Nancy and TV Nancy weren’t the same girl. Everyone said it!” this is it. This was going to be her project. She searched online but there was so little on a show that seemed to be so big in its time. She almost gave up until she stumbled upon something. “Nancy Killed Herself” was the title of the post.

Everyone who grew up with grandparents probably knows about The NightLight show. Created for those who worked or couldn’t sleep at night, it had a light tone to it not too childish made for adults. Many should know the rumor that TV Nancy and Radio Nancy weren’t the same person. Why did people have that thought? Because they didn’t sound the same. That and people say that there was always another woman around Nancy guiding her. Not a lot of evidence behind it, but we all know Nancy Ross was found dead in her dressing room minutes before airing. If there were two Nancy’s, what’s to say that one didn’t kill the other?

Not only that, but the things in Nancy's dressing room were weird. Her make-up had gone missing, her face smashed into her vanity. Oddest of all? The ritualistic things found in the room, many think it was just a crazed fan trying to do some kind of blood pack. But if there were two Nancy’s what’s to say that one didn’t try to replace the other? Cults and Rituals were always very much a thing. Especially in those times, it doesn’t help that everything related to The Night Light Show was pulled. Once they had found a replacement the show went off the rails with two female workers being found dead.

Multiple rumors had spread alongside the one that Nancy wasn’t the same Nancy as the one on the radio. The first one is that Radio Nancy killed TV Nancy. Second was that Nancy was in some tough things, and the reason they found ritualistic things on the scene was because she was in a cult. Promising that her success was going to be strong, and long-lived and that the ritual had gone wrong. The third one was that the reason the two female co-workers Carol and Sydney had been found dead was because Carol was a part of Nancy’s death and Sydney solely because she was the replacement. The logical reason would be a killer on the loose on the set, but many fans have come up with the “TV Nancy” which goes. After her death, the soul of Nancy Ross was never found at peace and haunted the set as multiple employees reported to have experienced weird things. Some even said they would hear the familiar hum of the show tune around empty set areas and even in their own homes. That when airing time would hit everything would go haywire with no reasoning behind it. Whenever talk for a replacement for Nancy things would go wrong, and people who auditioned eve

[doyelikehaggis]

Rules of (A Fake) Engagement :D

God, I don't think about this one often but when I do, I'm overcome with such a strong urge to just write the whole thing yet I never do. Also this was a bit more than a paragraph but as I said, this WIP lives rent free in my head!

<3

"So, let me get this straight," Tristan said, holding a hand out across the table as his lips curled upwards in amusement. "Now your mom thinks we're engaged?"

Rory groaned into her arms. He took that as his answer.

"Well, did you tell her the truth?"

Rory looked up at him like he'd grown two heads. "What, that I made it all up? That I got so insanely jealous when I saw Dean with his new girlfriend, even though I have no feelings whatsoever for him anymore, that I lied and told him you and I were engaged because I wanted to make him at least a little bit jealous too?!"

Tristan nodded. "Yeah, exactly."

She dropped her head back onto her arms with another groan.

"I'll take that as a no," he muttered.

Her phone chose that moment to start ringing. Another groan. Tristan glanced at the screen for her but hesitated to actually read out the caller ID. He had no choice, though, when she peered up at him expectantly, just a flutter of sad eyes behind her arm.

"It's your grandmother."

"What?!" She scrambled to pick up her phone and nearly started crying when she confirmed that he was right. Pressing a hand to her forehead, she answered it, shakily saying, "Hi, Grandma."

That's all she managed to get out before she was cut off by a barrage of questions that sounded a lot more like accusations. Specifically, what has happened that she would feel she couldn't tell her that she was engaged to be married to a perfectly respectable man, and why did she have to find our from her mother rather than straight from her, and does she hate her? Is that is? She must hate her, or else she would have delivered such an important announcement personally.

Rory exchanged a helpless look with Tristan while he tried his best to fight back a smile, widening his eyes and pretending to look as terrified as she currently did.

Finally, she managed to get a word in. "Grandma! Take a breath. I don't hate you. Of course I don't. The reason I didn't tell you is because-"

"I demand you and Tristan come for dinner."

"What?!"

"Well, I know he's a respectable man, but I would at least like to have a proper conversation with him once before you marry him! We need to discuss this properly, over dinner. When are you and Tristan next available?"

She pressed the heel of her hand into her eye, trying to fight off the headache already building behind it. She caught Tristan mouthing something at her, asking what she was saying.

Pressing the phone to her shoulder, she quietly relayed, "She wants us to go over for dinner! I have to tell her. I don't care if Dean finds out, it was stupid to lie anyway!"

Mind made up, she lifted her phone back to her ear and began to say, "Grandma, it's not-"

Tristan waved a hand, stopping her in her tracks. She lowered the phone again, covering the microphone.

"Look, what if we just... went along with it?" he asked. "Just for a little while. That way, you don't get totally humiliated by being outed as a liar to everyone you know."

She shook her head. "That's crazy. And, what do you get out of that?"

He shrugged and leaned back in his chair. He didn't give much more than that, but proceeded to say, "I'm going home in four days. When's your flight?"

She hesitated. "Same. In four days."

"Rory?! Rory, are you still there?!"

Tristan nodded. "Okay, so, tell her we can do dinner in five days. That's, what, Friday? Yeah, Friday."

She opened her mouth to tell him that his plan was insane, and that they would be found out immediately, and then it would be even more humiliating. It was already going to be bad enough as it was.

"What do you have to lose?" Tristan whispered.

Her grandmother was still calling her name like a harpy. Rory held the phone to her ear and, without breaking eye contact with Tristan, said, "Is Friday okay? We don't get back from New York until then."

"Oh. Well, I suppose Friday is suitable. I expect to see you both then."

Rory's heart was racing as she set the phone back on the table, retracing her hand from it quickly like it was an explosive. Did she really just do that? She couldn't possibly have...

She turned her eyes sharply to Tristan. "Why did you tell me to say that?!"

Send me the title/number of a wip and make me write it!

[jotadoul]

(spoilers i guess?)

ok... maybe i'm fully off base here, and i would genuinely lahv to know

in talking to my partner more about the nitty gritty mechanisms of escaflowne, it's so funny, because i remember Exactly where i was when i was 12-13 and writing the first draft of my big giant 500pg original story in which i full on lifted the... creating worlds/outcomes from your will/anxiety concept. but as i was writing it, i stopped mid-scene, and then rewrote the story without it, when i realised i had a serious issue with...

1. Manifestation/The Secret in general

2. even the "real" version of manifestation, which is just grinding it out/centering your life around a particular thing— so if you like obsessively want to make a lot of money you are more likely to be unscrupulous in how you achieve that. which isn't great. but also, you can grind forever and achieve nothing, because you do not act separately from the systems in which you exist... and if the system is engineered to benefit you already, you haven't done anything even remotely in the realm of magic.

by 12yrs of age i had witnessed both myself and other people try really really really hard in incredibly difficult situations and nothing happened. they got worse or nothing changed at all. i was constantly told my by terrible parents that i was just a willfully miserable bitch creating my bad circumstances (which they were putting me in, lol. as if the responsibility lay in internal problems, and not influenced by my environment... which never changed.) so i had very little faith in the idea that simply shifting my thoughts would affect any change at all. i became a better artist despite everything trying to keep me from doing so, but i couldn't build a life to support it, and i became a boy, but i was always a boy. idk

3. hitomi's mother and grandmother are shown and made to be significant. if i'm supposed to believe it's genetic in a similar way to folken and van, then genetics are acting like predetermination here in a series that seemingly is meant to defy predetermination. i buy it with the fanel fam because they live in gaea so in the context of the fantastical i automatically just accept it. but hitomi is from earth, and it seems like her grandma is just the reason to provide hitomi with a pendant. that could happen in other ways— why does it matter that her family member, specifically, ended up there? i hesitate to ask this but are we supposed to infer anything about the...... time period.... of her arrival? which leads me to the next thing,

4. we know other people have shown up to gaea, and isaac newton signals that hitomi's earth is rooted in real earth history. so is it just completely random? because if it were a matter of will, i kept wondering why there weren't more examples of who/how people end up in gaea— like did everyone on the Titanic just want to die, i guess, instead of be anywhere except the Titanic?

ok during the war we see that crazy nuke go off. the country that had the nuke immediately turns on everyone else once the zaibach threat is neutralised (further proof of power being endlessly corrupting.) they acknowledge that this is what these armies want: they Want to prolong war, not for any good reason but to secure their own power. but if that is being explained by willpower and faith, am i supposed to think that no one in all the history of gaea and isaac newton's experiments, no one ever unanimously wanted anything before now??

5. BECAUSE it's being tied to romance in particular, it feels too easy to come to the conclusion of "oh silly girlie, just don't have doubts and there'll be no problems!" like i want to see that same anxiety and fear equally substantiated and justified, even rewarded, without the consequence of destruction.

6. i like the moments where hitomi is really upset by finding out/thinking about this, but i do kinda wish she was even more devastated by the realisation. lots of people have died and gruesomely, after all.

7. i know/am meant to understand that every character is experiencing the consequences of their actions and intentions so hitomi alone isn't the beset-upon Harbinger Of Cause/Effect. but if it's still important that their actions/intentions are, all on their own, forcing outcomes into existence, why DON'T folken's wishes ever come true if he's maximum sweetie boy, which he is. if hitomi, thru belief, has the power to change trajectory, why did folken die lol. is his will that much stronger than hers? is isaac newton's will that much stronger than hers? up to that point we've increasingly been shown just how crazy powerful hitomi's will is. she went back to earth and then came back to gaea. if her wants are that potent, does this mean folken's weren't? why is it important that his are weaker?

8. what is the origin point of fate? where does fate begin, except for every second of every life for all time? doesn't that mean fate is always changing? varie is prophesied to meet goau. it would make more sense to me if she was prophesied to meet him Whenever, instead of at a designated time/place. how far into the future could she see? why did she want to stay with him? what about when she was a kid— like she grew up just accepting this was true and did nothing about it? by having the event not be random, and following a simple roadmap, it makes it seem... idk, less exciting? she wasn't surprised— she just went where she was told. so did she see far into the future, the future where hitomi and fan save gaea, justifying the deaths of her husband and son and her own? well that sucks, so immense personal suffering is justifiable toward the greater good?

we see hitomi intervene all the time. it's all she does. she gets a premonition and tries to keep them from danger— it's pretty much always her immediate next move.

when hitomi prays for someone to save van when he's fighting dilandau and his boys in the lake, allen shows up. prior to this, allen directed his crew to stay on the particular course that would lead them safely to freid, and it ends up bringing them to the lake. then a freid ship shows up shortly after. does that mean the freid ship could've been what saved them if allen had taken a different route? it would've been later, and van could've died/been kidnapped in that time. so what did hitomi influence... when allen stays on course, hitomi hasn't yet prayed for van's safety. is this meant to prove that A Thing Would Happen, but allen ended up being closest vs the freid ship? but to achieve that, what exactly did hitomi affect?

i Like hitomi being dark matter. an errant proton. a Single-Event Upset. a disruptive force, something altering the course gaea was on. i like van and hitomi as entangled particles. i also like escaflowne— the mech— being the vehicle, medium, through which she acts (unintentionally.) it's always been easier for me to conceptualise it as a many worlds/schrödinger's cat situation. but then to tie that to emotion just doesn't hit for me. what influence does Having The Correct Feeling— regardless of action— have on fate? Action has influence on fate. the system seems like it needs to be one or the other

1. hitomi switching the characters onto different tracks by influencing their outcome through her actions— including the act of telling them about it

2. hitomi's actions not being backed up by the right feelings causes a dissonance that affects a negative outcome

if it's 2, idk what to make of that. you can do goodness in the world while doubting some aspect of it. if it's 1, then the bad result seems like a consequence of honesty.

forcing a different outcome is what should be rewarded then, shouldn't it? why insist on a meaningful difference between changing/being honest about your emotions VS trying to shift those negative emotions into positive ones? if hitomi changes fate without meaning to, why are the results so terrible when she tries to do it on purpose? the limits and exceptions to prove the rule seem a little vague, and i'm not being given much to compare/contrast and flesh out the way things could be, only the way things are.

i shouldn't be invited to think about the rules and exceptions when SO MUCH of escaflowne i am perfectly convinced by. if emotion is portrayed strongly and earnestly, i'm willing to forgive almost anything. but i find everything about this 1 point emotionally incongruous which then gives me room to think a little too much about it lol. i think this is The Reason i felt a little distant from the series despite it (folken) taking over my stupid life. like he always made immediate sense and was a kind of compass when all the above became explicit toward the end. when hitomi reacts like "why?? why does sad shit keep happening???" i shouldn't also be thinking "yeah... actually why did this happen?" and then retroactively find holes in the whole thing lol

if the series rewards trying/believing in a positive outcome, why doesn't it work for him? is it just that everyone needs to believe in the same goal together? ok— aside from him accepting his own death (sucks) how different at that point are folken and hitomi's actual goals? also i think it was a bad choice not to have van be present for this. that, in addition to there not being a meaningful relationship between folken and isaac newton, makes the whole event fall flat for me.

the film does a better job of this imo where it does feel more random and chaotic, and the dispersal of information vs breathless action is such that i just buy it. there's no room to think more about it, i don't feel spurred to. the film takes the concept of "okay, so what if hitomi, folken, and van all have psychic powers" and constructs a new narrative around it and the logic is more understated. but the series, with more time and repeat explanation, leaves me wondering things that, i think if it were done more successfully, i wouldn't.

idk. in addition to my structural issues with it, also just felt too close to things that were said to and expected of me and, to me, were observably false, and impacted me negatively. it was hard to live inside the fantasy of that. there's enough there that i really like and doesn't feel undermined by this, and the implied concept of alternate timelines/streams crossed always excites me. it's really my only enduring criticism, but it sucks that it's such an integral part of the story. i love van and hitomi's emotional, romantic arc, i believe in them, i'm rooting for them from the bleachers. but still.

[suratan-zir]

long rant, very personal

nothing new honestly, I know y'all are sick of hearing the same lame story over and over again

sorry

You know how sometimes certain sounds, images or even smells can evoke some nostalgic memories from the past? It happens to everyone, right? To me, it doesn't matter if these flashbacks good or bad, it means I'm screwed either way. It's even worse when the memories are happy, because so many things are gone forever and there is no going back.

Recently I've been playing sims, and they were listening to the radio. I forgot that a long time ago I put some of my favorite songs in one of the folders, so the "Pop" station in the game has some real songs along with Simlish ones. I haven't listened to some of those songs in years.

Then that one song started playing, and an entire part of my life flashed before my eyes. I listened to that song a lot while on the road, during my weekly travels from my hometown in Donetsk oblast (where I was born and lived 'till I was 16) to Donetsk city, where my grandmother and other relatives lived, and where I attended some courses before the uni. I also listened to it on the road to another town, where my other grandma and my best girl friend lived, so I visited her every long holiday.

Why all these boring details are significant in any way?

Both intercity bus stations in Donetsk, which used to be my destination, no longer exist. "Zapadnyi" and "Pulitovskyi" they were called. "Zapadnyi" was located near the airport, so it was completely destroyed in battles for Donetsk airport back when russia first invaded us, in 2014. It wasn't even fully finished before being destroyed.

No buses or passengers there anymore.

"Pulitovskyi" station was not that far too, russian militants even blew up the bridge connecting the station with the city. To be honest, even when I lived in Donetsk, I no longer visited that part of the city, it was just too sad.

I know that it's not important on a surface level, all these places are just decorations, it's not the end of the world. But our memories, our lives consist of such decorations, random places on the map. When everything around falls apart and changes so suddenly, it feels weird and disorienting, most of the time I try to avoid direct contact with these changes, but I can't control my memory.

Fast forward to today, I will probably never be able to return to the city that I used to love so much. And my grandma no longer lives in Donetsk, she's "russian" now, along with brainwashing that often comes with such status. You already know it if you for some reason read my posts. She thinks that russia and putin are saving and liberating us here in Ukraine. I no longer call her "grandma" or call her at all, I have her blocked on my phone, our chat deleted. Funny enough, my ex friend also lives in russia now. Or so she was the last time I checked.

My other grandma from the town in Donetsk oblast left the country and is a refugee now. I have so many great memories of that town, if the russians will advance further in the Donbas (which they are trying to do) the town will become another Bakhmut, Vuhledar, etc. This is Mar'inka now, very close to the aforementioned town:

(and yes, this is a russian tank firing at a house, or what's left of it)

There was a town, now it's a lifeless desert.

I don't have that many memories, because I never had too much going on in my life. I know, it's embarrassing. Not only have I never been to other countries, I haven't even traveled much in Ukraine. My whole life until 2021 was in the Donbas region. Even my vacations were there, we didn't have money to travel. Every summer we would go to the Azov sea, which is now completely under the control of russia. What I wouldn't give to be once again on the shore of that godforsaken sea, even though I can now afford something better. I remember its smell and miss it so much. I was 18 when russia first came to my home to tear it apart. I couldn't live normally, I couldn't plan anything, I couldn't even buy furniture for my apartment because I only dreamt about leaving, and it was impossible to bring anything big with us through all the military posts from Donetsk. Years later, when we thought we are about to finally start living, traveling, enjoying everything that was taken from us for so long… yeah, you know the story.

Now life suddenly seems so short, it's passing by and I'm helpless to change anything. I'm so sick of living through this shit. Sick of the russians stealing my youth, my life, our lives, poisoning our memories, ruining everything around us.

I swear, I held it together before that fucking song started playing. I probably shouldn't post this, I have to at least disable reblogging, it's too embarrassing.

[xanadontit]

Had a chance to catch up with D and quelle surprise: her husband made her cry ON Mother’s Day.

D has a rough relationship with her mom, who is very likely an undiagnosed narcissist. One of D’s longtime friends who is a therapist sent her a ton of articles and book recommendations and said “I don’t like to diagnose people I’m not treating but uhhhh... yeah.” She’s not a loving or involved grandmother either, and while D doesn’t actively limit exposure, she will not allow her kids to spend unsupervised time with her mom. Visits are usually just gatherings with her brother (the golden child) and his wife and son. 

D and her husband took the kids to Target to buy Mother’s Day cards for the grandmas and D was making jokes about how a lot of them weren’t applicable to her mom. “Thanks for all you do? Nope!” The toddler wasn’t registering this and the baby is, well, a baby. D wasn’t actively talking shit, just kind of laughing about the reality of the situation. As she and I have joked “If we don’t laugh we might cry.” In the moment her husband was gently scolding her but didn’t seem that upset.

For some reason on Mother’s Day the husband decided to yell at D in the car in front of their children about how she’s a disrespectful daughter and needs to model being respectful of elders/family members. 

Please take a moment and let the irony sink in. This was his pitch? Screaming at her to be kinder? K, bro.

Also bear in mind their big Mother’s Day plans involved 4 hours in the car to see HIS mommy and his family who at best ignore her and at worst say racist things about her and their children. D lets a lot slide in the name of maintaining peace and because she wants her kids to have grandparents in their lives (although I’d argue that grandparents who are racist should be cut off but no one asked my opinion). For Father’s Day he has a guys’ day planned with his buddies while all the wives tend to the children. So, you know, normal day. 

I’m coming to terms with the fact that this guy isn’t just an oblivious ass and is actually abusing her. Who yells at their partner 1) in a space where she can’t walk away and 2) in front of their small children and 3) to the point where she’s reduced to tears and keeps going? An abusive asshole, right? And why does he think he gets to dictate the terms of her 40+ year relationship with her mother? She’s a mess and doesn’t deserve all this consideration beyond the basic decency you’d show an acquaintance! Shut up!

Guess it’s good I’m seeing my cousin the therapist this weekend because I need some help here. 

[williammr01]

I really, REALLY loved your analysis of the latest episode of GAP and since you mentioned Mon, I gotta say on my second re-watch of ep 11 i really felt bad for her.

Mon as a character has been the heart of the show in many ways & she’s brought positivity and light into everything she’s done (she’s like that meme ‘‘looks like a cinnamon roll, is actually a cinnamon roll’ 😂)

However what makes me feel for her, is that try as she might whenever she’s confronted, she’s never able to fight back. I’ve seen a lot of ppl say that she did the right thing by staying quiet throughout the whole confrontation and just being there to support Sam, but here’s the thing, even if she wanted to she probably couldn’t have done anything.

I mean she tried to fight back against Kirk when he came to see her but ultimately lost against him. He won solely for the fact that he’s a man (and even though he’s also probably wealthy) to Sam’s grandmother that’s more than enough reason to marry Sam off to him.

As for Sam’s grandmother what could Mon possibly have to bargain with her? She’s not descended from royalty, her socioeconomic status will never come close to Sam’s and she’s a woman (it’s like she ticked all the boxes lol)

With all that said, you can kinda see why she probably felt so helpless 🥲

Mon is the heart of the show for real. Everything we see is basically through her eyes. The thing is, that Mon's story was about coming into herself and falling for Sam. She was in no way whatsoever prepared to go up against Grandma, or Kirk, so that was why I was proud of her for getting through that conversation with him. Technically neither Mon or Sam were prepared, neither have had anyone TO fight for at this point in their lives. It's both of their's first relationship, first love, first time, etc. Whereas if we'd had a straight couple the same ages as Mon and Sam, they would have had numerous relationships and would have had to fight before for a variety of reasons. I would say the whole first half of the series was showing the audience Mon coming to terms with her sexuality. She was 22 or 24? No boyfriend, even though she had Nop right there? She idolized Sam, as shown by the multiple photoboards and Mon following Sam's education path. You could argue that Mon was so in love with Sam that she never thought to question her orientation, but I would say that Mon knew on some level that she liked women. Her fantasies about Sam the first couple episodes were in no way straight, lol. I would also say people could make an argument that the way she dresses, the girly pink, princess type, is a direct result of her being closeted to even herself. Mon had already faced hardship, for being half british, so not coming out to herself and idolizing Sam was a way of protecting herself while trying to be happy. When we first see Mon, it's of her getting dressed to go out to a concert, and basically the show is giving us: here's your lead, here she is putting on her armor to go out into the world. And as she is getting dressed, she's talking about how idols can give you inspiration, idols can "make us smile when we are in sorrow" and when she finishes getting dressed she stares at one of her boards of Sam and presses a kiss to it with her fingers. I say all that because Mon is a good person, but she's a deeply insecure person. You can have convictions and stand up for what is right, but not have the strength to stand up for yourself. Which explains why Mon is so willing to push back against Sam when it comes to the rules and Sam's behavior, but she hides behind her clothes and "if i was a guy I'd make a move on you". Or "how would two girls together even work", while not batting an eyelash when she's introduce to Sam's friends and Tee flirts with her and is obviously gay. Mon got teased and bullied for being half British, she went to all the schools Sam did, so we can assume she was bullied for not having money in addition to being a "halfy". I would even go as far as to say that part of her outgoing personality is a fake it until you make it situation. Mon took that bullying and made a persona that was good, pure, righteous, and she lived so that people saw that. But she did so at the cost of experiencing love, freedom and growing as an individual. And in doing that, made it so that she never had to confront anyone since she was always respectful and a good girl. The second half of the season was Mon figuring out how Sam and her work together, but also coming into her own and trying to find where she fits in the world now that she's with Sam openly. That's why the scene with their friends encouraging her to tell Sam was important. Unfortunately Grandma and Kirk are the flipside, so for Mon to go from the biggest obstacle to her own happiness being herself, she was fully unprepared to be back up for Sam in anyway during the final confrontation.

We all know Mon is a good person, but specific to the confrontation with Kirk, this was a really well thought out way to guilt Mon on his part. He apologizes for her being fired, passively asserting the fact that he has a company while she doesn't have a job; but he says it in a way like they are still friends, as if it really does cause him pain. Then tells her he and Sam are getting married, hoping to chip away at her conscience and confidence. At this point, Kirk knows he's gotten her to keep secrets from Sam. How? He was her friend/ she respected him. He knows he can push those respect and civility buttons, and get her to listen to him. And when that works, he takes a left turn and tells her people will think she's a homewrecker. Which is twofold: if she has a conscience/pride the homewrecker thing hurts, but it also implies that Sam and Kirk will look bad as well, and even Kirk knows that Mon doesn't want anyone to think badly of Sam, while he's also playing into whatever friendship she thinks they have had.

But Mon doesn't care about those things at the moment because she's all about Sam. She's also been trying to convince herself that this role of being the mistress can work. Mon let herself believe that her and Sam are actually going to be able to live together, even if it's not the way she had just started to allow herself to believe in (being married). I really think that's why Mon says that she would do anything to be with Sam. Mon from episode 9 would have never said that to Kirk, she actually tried to save his feelings when Sam told him the truth. But in this vital moment of trying to keep herself and Sam afloat, to still believe that they can make it and their love is enough? She metaphorically threw down the gauntlet saying Sam was hers.

That's why I was proud of her. She said 'Sam is mine' to his face. Mon said I can be anything Sam wants me to be. Mon was no longer afraid because she had come to terms with her identity and her feelings for Sam. Sam gave her the opportunity and the space to grow. Mon from episode 1 never would have made a move on someone engaged. She never would have been a mistress. But since she came out and accepted her feelings for Sam, she actually started to own her life. She started taking an agency, instead of just doing 'the right thing' or following Sam's path.

And Kirk, he flips and starts talking about how they both love Sam, so she should want Sam to be happy and live a normal life. He chose to go down the homophobic path because he wasn't expecting her to stand up for herself or Sam. Sure he sprinkles in little comments like he's concerned for her welfare if they continue in a relationship. About how he just wants Sam to be happy with him, but Mon would be ruining that herself. He, by pure luck, had to fall back on homophobia because Mon stood up for herself. Unfortunately, it was the right button to press with Mon who was only newly out of the closet.

Kirk actually picked the perfect time to come burst her bubble, and Mon just starts pulling back on all of her old armor, while she remembers the convo and cries on the stairs. (Go back and look at her outfits in part 2 and 3 of the ep, they are very different.) So yeah Mon was vulnerable and helpless. She had only just started to believe Sam again that they could make it when they went to the grandma's. That's why Sam didn't want her in the house/palace. If Mon had tried to interject, Grandma would have ripped her apart, and then Sam would have lost it on Grandma.

So Mon sat through that fight and watched Sam, because at that point the only thing she could do was support Sam. Anything else would have inadvertently hurt Sam. And because she was silently supporting Sam, that's why she saw how worried Sam was about grandma. That's why Mon shook her head every time Neung told Sam to do it for Mon. Watch closely, Mon only shakes her head when Neung says to leave for Mon. Mon would never ask Sam to leave when Sam believes that grandma was collapsing.

[persephone-is-here-omg]

Went no contact with my aunt E, and her daughters N and C. My only regret is that I didn't get to beat their asses before I did.

Let me preface this by saying that I am not a person given to physical violence, hell in a lot of cases I'll bite my tongue to avoid a fight. But I have my fucking limits, and that day I reached mine.

So, yes. I did come close to kicking their teeth off because if there's one thing I don't tolerate is people talking shit about my mom when I know she's right. If the criticism is valid? Go ahead. Thing is, I know for a fact my aunt and her daughters are wrong.

This is a situation that has its roots in decades of unresolved issues. But it all came to a head when my cousin N decided she was going to introduce her boyfriend to the extended family. This, after she told multiple people that she didn't really have anything to share with us and that she didn't even want to wish our grandma a Happy New Year. Which is fine, there's been a lot less conflict since her, her mother and sister decided they were everyone's victims and the family wasn't catering to them as they felt entitle to. That's cool, but why the hypocrisy.

So, in the latest family function that took place my mom called my cousin to the side and called her out on her hypocritical behavior. My mother did not scream to her, and didn't start a scene. My cousin N, however, has always had a flair for the theatrics and immediately started screaming and shouting like a banshee. Came storming in saying she was leaving, that my mom had "disrespected" her, that she "knows herself, and she is leaving". She called my mother a flurry of colorful names, including "ungrateful". My sister and I heard, and we had enough. Let me just say they both were LUCKY my dad was there and bear hugged me, because her boyfriend would not only have had to pay for her plane ticket to Spain, he would have had to pay for a whole new set of teeth (or two).

Since that moment, I've gone no contact with them. Now, I am aware that none of that makes me look good. I am not interested in looking good, either. But if we're going to talk about ungrateful or bullying, I have so many instances where they're the ungrateful bullies.

For example, N had Hepatitis B. At the time, she was living rent free at our grandmother's house. If you hear her and her mother tell the story, everyone at my grandma's was going to let her die and no one gave a fuck. In their version, my grandma even said that she was most likely pregnant. However, the reality is that she wouldn't have even been tested for Hep B if one of my aunt's (who's a nurse) had not insisted and taken her to the hospital, she wouldn't have been admitted without that aunt, either. However, that aunt has a job that she couldn't miss and responsibilities. N's father has lived in that same town for years, he didn't go to see her even once during the whole ordeal. However, the bad ones are the ones that took her to hospital and did what they could.

Another example, E moved to that same town and stayed there for about 4 years after her daughter C had an "accident" that left her with a permanent leg injury. E did this to be able to take care of her daughter. Once C was recovered enough she moved into a smaller house where neither her mother nor sister fit in. So E and N had to rent an apartment. When 2020 rolled around, another one of my aunts went like "hey, we're in the middle of this pandemic thing. you guys should move in with me because you have no income" So they moved into this other aunt's house, lived there for almost 3 years rent free, not even had to buy their own food, no utilities. E, N and C however, claim no one ever helped them and E and N were basically homeless. Mind you this aunt that took them in even took over several major medical expenses from E.

One more example. E is a teen mom, had her oldest C, around the time she was 17/18yo. The only reason she was able to graduate high school was my mom. My mom at 14yo put up with abuse from her baby daddy's family to care of her fucking child. But this is, also, something that in their heads never happened. E, in fact, has spent almost 50 years trying to ingratiate herself with her baby daddy's family even though they mistreated her and her family. When she moved from the town, following them, they said "she doesn't need to learn anything. just send her to clean houses" Because they see cleaning houses as a lowly job, and they always have seen her as lowly and undeserving of respect.

This is just examples of their ungratefulness, this isn't even diving in their abuse and disrespect of multiple family members. Like, I have so many fucking more stories that don't even involve me or anything they've done to me especifically.

[peace-coast-island]

Diary of a Junebug

The beginning of a weary dreamer regaining control of their life

There’s just something about this time of the year when a lot of people consider making big changes in their lives, especially if they already spent a lot of time thinking about it. Sometimes you just need a sign to give you that extra push to take action. And sometimes it’s like an aha moment where you just wake up one morning and suddenly everything’s crystal clear. Either way, change happens whether you like it or not.

That said, I’m not the one who’s looking to make any big changes in my life right now. Everything’s going well for me and I have no reason to fix something if it ain’t broke. Of course, I’m open to improving myself and stepping out of my comfort zone, but really, it’s the little things I’m more into right now. Maybe that’ll change later on, but for now I’ve found a rhythm and pace in my life that’s well suited for me so I intend to stick with it. Not everything you strive for has to be big and ambitious - stability is an option too.

Before coming home, we spent some time visiting Marlo, Don, and Mindy, Marlo’s friend from college who’s visiting. Mindy was an aspiring fashion designer who dabbled in theater, which was how they met. I think the last time I saw Mindy was at Marlo’s college graduation, which was a long time ago. A lot has changed for her since then, and not entirely in a good way.

Marlo said that instead of staying in New York like she originally planned, Mindy went to stay with her mother in the UK and take a gap year. It wasn’t until years later when Mindy realized she made a mistake that would eventually cause her to lose trust in her parents, probably forever considering how things turned out. After hearing what she’s been through, I don’t blame her for having some resentment towards them.

What makes Mindy stick out is the fact that she’s a psychic. As in, she randomly gets small flashes of something happening in the near future. It’s something she inherited from her grandmother and great-grandmother ever since she was young. Her powers didn’t fully come in until she was around 13, which was the same for her grandma, and that was when she began using her visions to get into various shenanigans.

Like the future, Mindy says visions can be finicky. Most of the time they come true, usually in unexpected ways, kinda like a self-fulfilling prophecy. Most of the time they’re good things, which makes her try to make them come true. However, in rare cases when it’s bad - as in serious, not inconvenience type of things that usually happen for her - she manages to avert that possibility happening.

To Mindy, her powers were just something that were always there. Sure, it can be inconvenient at times, especially when she was younger and didn’t quite understand what it meant to have such an ability. Of course, most of what she learned is through trial and error., as well as typical teenage shenanigans. In other words, she was a troublemaker in a well-meaning sort of way, the kind of person who just wanted to use her psychic ability to help others.

I remember getting caught up in a few of her shenanigans back then, usually because of her meddling. Though, despite some misunderstandings, Mindy was able to help out, which is really the reason why she embraced her ability. Her grandma was the kind of person who wanted to use her powers for good, and Mindy wanted to be like her in that aspect.

Marlo said Mindy was the reason why the Sunny Theater Troupe didn’t shut down when the director lost her mojo - it’s because Mindy had a vision of her announcing her resignation and wanted to change the future. If Mindy hadn’t meddled, the theater troupe would’ve been no more and Marlo wouldn’t have been discovered by an acting coach who encouraged her to pursue her dreams. And if that hadn’t happened and Marlo went back home instead, she wouldn’t have met Don or become an actress. So it’s kinda like a butterfly effect sort of thing. And that’s why Mindy means a lot to Marlo and Don.

To me, Mindy seems like the person who manages to make things work no matter what. I’ve always liked her “over-the-top” personality, as others called it. Sure, she can get a little heavy handed, but her heart’s in the right place. Though I can find pushy people hard to get along with sometimes, there are situations when you need someone like that to get you moving - as long as they respect you and your boundaries.

From past experiences, Mindy says nothing’s more important than enforcing your own boundaries, especially when someone tries to trample on them. As someone who’s been on both sides - being the one whose boundaries aren’t respected and being the intruder - I imagine she has a lot to say on that.

After being betrayed by her parents when she needed them the most, not only she’s trying to become a bit more sensitive when giving someone a gentle nudge, but she also realized more than ever how important it is to help someone in need. Despite how her mother made her feel about her psychic abilities, Mindy will never stop using her powers the way she wants to. And she won’t ever let anyone convince her that her misfortune was her own fault because she didn’t foresee it.

Basically, Mindy made the mistake of staying with her mother after graduating. She didn’t have a rough childhood or anything, and she always got along well with her family, which makes what happens later on all the more baffling. Mindy believes it started when her mother decided to go back to school for her master’s. Next thing she knew, Mindy’s mother took off to law school in London and the family barely saw her afterwards.

The following year, Mindy went off to college, and she too barely kept in contact. Not too long after she left, her father and brother moved across the country without consulting the rest of the family, so she never got to say goodbye to her childhood home. Sometime later, her mother filed for divorce, and that was anticlimactic for Mindy. Looking back, she said that it made sense that she didn’t really feel anything when the family broke up - it just happened and that was really about it.

In short, Mindy’s mother set her up with this guy who was the son of some very important attorney that she was trying to get close to. Mindy described him as a very charming guy, but that was about it. While she had visions that showed their relationship in a good light, she couldn’t help but feel uneasy about it, almost like it was a warning. At this point in time she says it’s not worth beating herself up for not acting on her intuition - she’s already done enough of that in the past. She was young and foolish and really thought that she found “The One”.

Mindy described it as a whirlwind romance that didn’t really feel “real”, mostly because her mother and his father wanted them to be together. There was also another aspect regarding Mindy’s psychic powers that complicated things. Basically, they exploited her for it and that contributed to how she later resented her gift for getting her into that mess.

However, the one good thing that came out of her unhappy marriage was her daughter Misty. Her ex spoiled Misty and he seemed like a good parent, but Mindy later realized that his care and affection were superficial. As for Mindy’s parents, they seemed indifferent towards Misty, something she didn’t realize until much later on when she realized that her marriage wasn’t working out.

What got to Mindy the most about the whole thing was how her parents were well aware that she was unhappy and refused to help when she reached out to them. She admits that communication wasn’t always their strongest suit, but back then it was treated as a funny thing because life wasn’t serious back then. Looking back, she found that her parents were kinda superficial and often glossed over serious stuff, which was why she had a tough time when she left for college.

It’s not bad to be carefree, but it’s a problem when you act without considering other people’s feelings. Mindy’s been doing a lot of reflecting since cutting ties with her ex and parents, so she’s been trying to put the pieces together. When she mentioned what kind of people her parents are, it makes sense why she’s the way she is with her meddling. Her carefreeness and need to take action no matter what are traits that can easily be good and bad.

Mindy’s mother was the one who insisted that Mindy suck it up and deal with what she got herself into, which is kinda hypocritical coming from someone who walked out on her family on a whim. Mindy suspected that her mother was jealous of the fact that she never got psychic powers since it ran in her family and that resentment grew as she got older. She relentlessly mocked Mindy by saying that her powers were useless because she should have known that she wasn’t gonna happy, and therefore, she brought it on herself. Talk about victim blaming, especially from someone who put the victim in that situation.

As for her father, Mindy said she felt the most betrayed by him. She described him as the fun, life of the party type - good as a friend, not so much as a parent. He would brush Mindy off whenever she tried to confide in him, complaining that she was bringing down the mood and needed to lighten up. His main reason for not helping Mindy out was because he didn’t want to get involved in that. In other words, her unhappiness put a cramp in his style and he didn’t like that. Some parent he is.

Even when Mindy brought up Misty and how she was concerned for her daughter’s wellbeing, her parents were basically like, that’s not our problem, Yes, they really did refer to their granddaughter as a “problem”, an inconvenience that isn’t their concern. That’s another thing Mindy can’t forgive them for.

In the end, the only family member Mindy could turn to was her younger brother Travis, who just finished grad school. Mindy’s grateful, of course, but she’s also upset that he had to be the one to pull her out when their parents refused to. Her ex’s family made getting a divorce a nightmare, and with her parents taking his side in keeping her trapped, Mindy was unable to really do anything unless she wanted to risk losing Misty.

Luckily, Travis was able to find some people who were able to help Mindy and Misty leave and avoid a lot of the potential consequences of a messy divorce. It wasn’t easy as it took over a year for everything to be finalized, but they did it. And now Mindy’s finally free.

One of the first things Mindy did was get back in touch with various friends she lost contact with over the years. Her ex was the controlling type who didn’t want her associating with certain people. In other words, he treated her like a trophy wife, a caged bird. Marlo was one of the few she kept in sporadic contact with, as well as the first to know what happened to her over the past several years.

Mindy and Misty actually live about half and hour away from Marlo and Don, and it’s in a nice neighborhood. Of course, Mindy still has a lot of unpacking to do, so we helped her out with that. I’d say we did a pretty good job and the place looks a lot more livelier. They may not have much for now, but once they settle in, it’ll really feel like home. I feel like it’s a huge step for Mindy, a sign that she really is free.

As for what’s next for Mindy, she says she’s gonna take it slow. For now, her main focus is on finding a daycare for Misty before classes start. She’s picked up some online courses from a local community college as she’s really considering going back to school. But since it’s been over a decade, Mindy wants to do sort of a trial run before taking the plunge with grad school, especially since she still isn’t sure exactly what she wants to go back for other than to stay in something related to the fashion industry.

There’s also the possibility of her using her visions to take a peek into her future, something she’s tempted to do at times. Life seems to be easier when you’re young, probably because you don’t have as many responsibilities and worries on your shoulders. Mindy says she’s still in kind of a weird love-hate relationship with her psychic powers, and with her mental state admittedly not in the best shape, she’s kinda tuned out her visions. That’s not to say they’re not reliable, it’s more that she just doesn’t have the mental capacity to deal with it.

Funny enough, she kinda reminds me of Steven and his struggles with his powers when he was in a low mental state. I bring that up because Mindy mentioned that his song Taking Back What’s Mine really helped her a lot in terms of getting the courage to move on from the past and take control of the present. She discovered him and Emmaline by chance and was mind blown when we told her that not only we know Steven, but that Emmaline grew up in the same neighborhood as us.

Since Mindy’s not far from Marlo, I hope that one day I can arrange for her, Steven, and Emmaline to meet one day. I know they would be touched to find out how much their music resonated with someone.

I’m glad that Mindy’s doing well and I’m looking forward to seeing more of her in the near future. I know Marlo’s glad to finally see her after all these years. An uncertain future isn’t necessarily bad, especially if you’re taking the wheel. And like Mindy’s visions, the future isn’t always set in stone, so there’s nothing stopping you from taking charge. It’s your life, your future, so it’s up to you to decide what you want.

After hanging out and catching up with Mindy, we headed to Rosevine to hibernate for a while. Since the objective is to take it slow after the rush of the holidays, we decided to take the scenic route. It took longer and we might have gotten lost a little, but I think it was worth every minute.

Read on AO3

[kalisbaby]

My mom's in the ER with my sister because her (mom) sugar went up. And she hasn't been taking her medications or her insulin or gotten a new PCP after her old one suddenly up and closed his business. (Like deadass they scheduled an appointment for her and when she went they were shut down. No notices, no calls, no nothing!)

So both me and my sister are beyond frustrated and upset because she legit isn't taking care of her health and she will sit around all day in her phone and like not eat anything until one of us comes in the room and asks us to make her something. And that could be HOURS! And no matter how much I tell her to stop fasting she still does it cuz "God told her to" and not to question her faith or relationship with God but...fasting for over a year (or two idk how long at this point) for HOURS every. single. day. when you have a major health issue is ridiculous. I'm sure God didn't want her to maintain it for that long especially one where she doesn't pray or anything. She just like...watches TV and plays on her damn phone so, ma'am!, what kinda fast???

Anyway, I'm digressing.

THE POINT IS I need her to care for herself. Like I NEED her to want to do it for herself. I've said this time and time again, like it's a bad song on repeat at this point, but I cannot take care of her for herself.

I can make her meals but I can't make her eat them. I can sort out her medicines but I can't make her take them. I can see her appointments but I can't make her go to them or tell the truth while at them (a problem I also had with my dad btw. He just would not tell his doctor everything and I would be like, "Are you fr right now???" At one point the doctor just talked directly to me because my dad was acting like everything was fucking fine when it WASN'T!).

And I feel like my mom thinks we're SUPPOSED to care for her because she, and I quote, "did it for [her] mother" and yeah I get that. And honestly, I have no problems doing for my mother, but my grandmother also did for herself. When she needed help she asked for it but she was very much able to tend to her own needs up until the last few years of her life when her health deteriorated to the point where additional assistance was mandatory and we ALL helped then. (I legit flunked out of the second half of my first year of college to help my mom take care of my grandma and I still don't regret it to this day. It was a joy to care for her and to be with her in those last few months of her life.)

But my mom still has a lot of her mobility and functioning and I get that she's tired after nursing three children, two elderly parents, a husband, not to mention her actual nursing job, but I don't like her not trying. Like for HERSELF. It often feels like she's just like, "why do I have to do this when I have daughters?"

And it's like, we won't always be here. I'm here now but what about in the future? I wanna live more! I haven't even done an iota of and iota of what I want to do. And I get it, that's on me. Those are my choices and I accept them but it wouldn't be fair for me to never even try because I have to stay home and build my life around caretaking my mother while she's still relatively young and able bodied. Like if she wasn't then this wouldn't really be a discussion. I would have my frustrations,.for sure, but I would deal with them because I know my mother couldn't do for herself. But knowing that she CAN but just often WON'T??? That's a whole nother thing. A WHOLE nother thing.

I just...

I think about how ppl have repeatedly told me "there's always one that stays behind" meaning there's always a child that stays and takes care of the aging parents. And that one was my mother and I despise that saying for a plethora of reasons but mainly because people say it to me like "give up your dreams, your hopes, your goals because your life is already decided and it's taking care of your mother at the expense of everything else." It makes me bitter. And I don't deserve that. My mother doesn't deserve that.

She deserves to live her old age in peace as comfort and joy. And I deserve to live the last embers of my youth the same.

But how I do that if people are pre-determining my life to be built around someone else? Especially at the expense of the small facet of happiness I managed to eek out for myself? What cruelty!

And I still want children some day. So am I only meant to care for others and leave no care for myself??? Idk the answer to this but what I DO know is, I need my mother to get it together. To care enough about the rest of her life to want to actively live it and not just lie around wasting it away waiting for me or someone to do the very basic of shit for her.

I need her to care enough for herself. I can't do it for the both of us. I just can't. Something will eventually have to give and I fear when that time comes because I'm nto sure of what choice I'll make and I'd hate for it to be me at the risk of harming her. If that makes any sense.

I just want her to care. That's all. Just care about yourself, mommy. Love yourself enough to try. PLEASE! For the love of God, please!

[sacrificethemtothesquid]

We watched a Netflix special from I think Hasan Minaj a couple of years ago. In it, he pointed out that there is a way to calculate the number of times a person will see someone before they die. His example was parents: think of the number of times you see your parents per year. Consider an average lifespan, and multiply the years left by the visits per year. The result is a finite number, frighteningly small in the face of love. 

I think about this a lot. 

My 98yo grandmother has dementia. This is Dad’s mom, a woman who I have complicated feelings about. Visiting her and Grandpa was never as interesting as visiting my mom’s parents - less for a small kid to do - but she loved us and we loved her. Her diagnosis came a few years ago, and she’s since been in a memory care home. Over the last few months, the quality of care has significantly declined, so my aunts made the decision that one of them will take her into their home and care for her there until the end of her life. This aunt lives significantly out of state, and given my family’s ongoing caution regarding COVID, we will likely not visit. When Grandma leaves her current home, it’s understood we will not see her again.

Ordinarily, this would be a time for goodbyes and closure, but when Dad died, my aunts decided that it was kinder not to tell Grandma. Dad travelled a lot for work, so he was rarely home, and Grandma’s memory is such that she doesn’t remember who visited on a day-to-day basis. My aunts have been saying Dad is on another business trip, and that’s been accepted without question. We all agree this was a good decision and the best for Grandma’s mental health. 

The hard part is that Dad is gone. Neither Mom, myself nor my sister have visited Grandma since Dad passed because while we’re all perfectly capable of lying, trying to come up with a reasonable story about why Dad is not there is damn near impossible to do without crying. So we just...haven’t gone. 

Next month, Grandma is moving out of state, and we will not see her again. 

Yesterday, I sat with Mom and Husbandthing and my aunt and uncle and we talked. Mom and I cried. I want to see Grandma, want to be a good grandchild and give my regards, because between COVID quarantines and a busy work schedule, it’s been four years since I’ve seen her, but while I’m confident my brain could endure the visit, my body has recently had a habit of random crying jags that come out of nowhere. Grandma will ask which grandchild I am and I’ll say I’m Squid, your son’s daughter. She’ll ask about Dad and I’ll say he’s not here, and she’ll ask what he’s up to, and I will want to say that he’s five pounds of ash in a burlwood box in my sister’s childhood bedroom and I will be so angry that he’s gone, so furiously, ragingly angry that he went and fucking died I will start crying again and whatever lie I had prepared will die on my tongue.

So I’m not going. I have the opportunity to say goodbye, but I’m not taking it. I feel shitty, just absolutely wretched, but it’s kinder to both of us. That last visit Hasan Minaj talked about, the end of the calculation, is not now. It was four years ago, and I didn’t even know it. I didn’t know that when I kissed her cheek, I wouldn’t do it again. 

These things are normal. This is life. She endures, and might endure for years. Who knows. I’m just feeling maudlin and sad. We transitioned Husbandthing’s mom to hospice last month. My dad has been gone for a year. There’s no way we could support tiny humans, but I’ve been fantasizing about a life with kids if only to have another link in the chain, if only so my family name doesn’t die with me. 

Gah. Random blather at its finest. Time to go drink coffee and answer some email and watch the neighbor work on his car. We keep moving. We always keep moving. 

[aquilamage]

Please do ramble, we are very interested.

SO, [starting from the beginning because my posting on this has been sporadic and from what I can tell not the most comprehensive] I had a funny joke theory when the game first brought up the idea of Leif having descendants that it was gonna involve Mothiva, which I accidentally got attached to even though it's obviously not a thing.

But anyway my thoughts are: Grandpa canonically mentions that he has brothers [which I get why they don't have Leif chase that mention in canon but also. ?!?] so obviously Mothiva is the child of one of them. I very consistently go back and forth on whether I want/think it's logistically/thematically sensible for Grandpa to be Leif and Muse's only child with the other siblings being from a later relationship/Muse wanting more kids or if they're all related to Leif.

What I am sure on is that I like to think Mothiva had a close relationship and a lot of admiration for her grandma Muse when she was growing up, and that her stories about her time scouting for Elizant I were a good part of Mothiva's motivation to eventually become an explorer. (Also I know I've mentioned this bit at least once probably more but my brain goes insane every time I think about Mothiva's kick attack combined with Leif's one mention of Muse's fighting capabilities being that she had "pretty strong kicks" so you know where I think she learned that one from).

Although by close I mean emotionally, not physically. For Mothiva's immediate family situation, she grew up in Bugaria but outside of the ant kingdom proper [dont' ask me where that's part's not my problem], so while Muse did come visit it wasn't exactly a super regular thing. Generally I think her parents were decent and did their best with her, she was also the younger middle of a large pack of siblings so I think she dealt with some issues with needing more attention/affection than she felt like she got. And while Muse definitely gave time to all her kids and grandkids I think she got along most with Mothiva among her siblings so for Mothiva that additional attention also had an effect on her.

Which leads into my thoughts on Mothiva's feelings on Muze. Which are that she fucking hates her so much. Her cousin is an only child, never having to fight with siblings for attention. Who gets to live in the Ant Kingdom, far more interesting than her middle-of-nowhere home, and where she sees their grandmother all the time. Who takes almost perfectly after Muse in looks. Who's literally named after her. Years of compounded childhood jealousy combined with Mothiva's anger issues, and it's so fucking delicious to think about.

Don't know exactly when Muse dies but I think it's when Mothiva's about 12-15, and not too long after that is when Mothiva decides to run off to the ant kingdom on her own, change her name, and bank everything on becoming an idol both for its own sake and as a way to eventually become an explorer.

[two big sidetrack notes: 1) the whole thing of Mothiva's feelings on Muze kind of developed out of me tossing around the idea of Mothiva's father big resenting Muse and Grandpa especially because he felt like Grandpa was obviously the favorite child because of his parenthood situation (95% sibling jealously 5% yes there was a difference to the feelings dynamic even though Muse didn't actually like him better and tried not to make it a thing in general). and the idea of that translating even better onto Muze and Mothiva. and 2) it also comes from a thought about in my "mothiva gets fired "au,"" she at some point going out and about with Leif (disguised) and them running into Muze. Mothiva recognizes Muze instantly of course and is pissed off about being reminded of her everything about her (especially now that she's doing just fine while Mothiva's having a crisis). And then on top of that, since Leif has no reason to try and conceal it, it gets dropped that Leif and Muze are 'cousins or whatever' which has Mothiva all WHAT and internally freaking out now]

[nyxumbras]

Rereading Shadow Falls Camp 1

I've recently talked about old book series like HoN and SFC with my best friend and although we both agreed that they are kind of cringey, I really did want to reread them just to relive the drama that captivated my adolescent years and also since especially with these books I couldn't recall much of what happened.

So far I've read chapter one to four and we meet Kylie Galen, a 16 year old girl whose life now turned to shit because her parents are getting a divorce, she still hasn't processed the death of her grandma and her boyfriend Trey recently broke up with her.

The book starts with Kylie witnessing yet another argument between her mom and her dad. Her mom is introduced as an emotionless ice queen who's grilling her dad's underwear on the grill. Her dad is packing up his stuff to leave but Kylie obviously doesn't want him though. She wants to come with him and even asks him to not leave her but he only responds that he's only a phone call away. I'm definitely interested in how this dynamic with her mom will turn out since so far, Kylie doesn't seem close to her mother. Multiple times Kylie thinks about her mom as the ice queen who's emotionless and not caring. (Side Note: teenage me and my mom did not have the best relationship either, we do now but back then there wasn't a day where we wouldn't scream at each other so that is another reason why I'm interested in why her mom is the way she is and how Kylie will grow up to maybe see through her mom's trauma which wouldn't explain why her mom is so distant since she is still a parent but yeah, we'll see how this will turn out hopefully). We learn quickly that Kylie is in therapy because of her stalker that no one else seems to see except her, an man in army clothes. (SPOILER WARNING: I do think to recall that this is her actual father and her powers are seeing dead people but that's about it, like I do not remember what she is.)

Her grandmother recently died and she's hasn't fully comprehended that, seemingly forgetting it here and there. We don't know much about her grandmother yet. Kylie does recall her own mother not holding her at the funeral of her own mother. Ever the ice queen.

At a house party we meet her best friend Sara, who doesn't seem to notice or care about Kylie's feelings. She's an outgoing girl who follows trends and recently lost her virginity being dumped by her then boy and since then has had sex numerous times. Originally they both wanted to keep their virginity and losing it be something special. Kylie gets even more pissed about her life when she sees her ex boyfriend Trey walk in with a new girl. We don't know why he broke up with Kylie but as she stated that after drinking beer he is getting touchy and she never gave in, because she wants her first time to be special and not have a boy reek of beer, Trey maybe broke things off to get off. We don't know much about him too, it's probably not even important for us to know more about him since there obviously will be other boys Kylie's going to think about. The party ends abruptly once the cops show up, which always confused me as a European girlie but since the legal drinking age in the US (Kylie lives in Houston) is 21 years old, they're all getting arrested. Kylie did not have a sip of alcohol but her mom's still pissed off and after an argument, she agrees with Dr. Day who's Kylies therapist to send her to a summer camp for troubled kids.

So Kylie is sent off to this summer camp which she knows nothing about besides that troubled kids go there to not be troubled anymore. She gets onto the bus that will drive her to it and we meet a lot of new characters and I have to say that this chapter was the best one yet because Kylie is just so goddamn judgemental and I never noticed that before. She judges the appearances of the other teens, calling one girl "gothic girl" because she's only wearing black. She freaks out when she meets a boy whose eye colors are constantly changing. We meet Miranda, a girl with three different hair colors on her head and I don't get why that is so unnatural for Kylie to see but of course she again judges Miranda. During the bus ride she texts Sara, who does not respond to Kylie's message at all but rather tells Kylie that she's probably pregnant. Kylie is inclusive though since she doesn't stop at judging people she doesn't know but she also judges her best friend about the maybe pregnancy. Thinking that, at least she knows who the father is since she had sex with only three boys.

So all in all I have to say that it was pretty cringey to re read SFC and I've only read the first four chapters. The target audience is very obviously teenage girls and Kylie as I said is a very one dimensional character now. I never noticed before how judgy she is. I know that she's young and going through a lot but I really hope she becomes a better person because right now I'm not her biggest fan. I'm 26 years old now and this book came out in 2011 so over 12 years ago. I don't expect much but I hope I can enjoy it and relive what younger me liked about these books. It's also nice to revisit it with an adult brain. So to anyone who's still reading I hope you enjoyed, I never really did something like this before. This is a project I want to mainly do for myself and I'm not sure if I want to continue writing my thoughts or not.