#really improving im so proud of myself
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dude i finally figured out how to draw him im so happy i love him so much
#artluli#tf2#team fortress 2#tf2 medic#i struggle a lot with faces and adding noses and wrinkles etc etc like im so proud and happy with myself that i finally drew him#and dont hate how i did it lul#i really wanna learn how to draw all the mercs and their faces and shapes all properly#i wanna get good at drawing !!!!#i wanna try and use my current hyperfixation to improve at it >:]]]]#i wanna draw them all and smile a bunch and be happy and feel joy and everything#im usually very negative when it comes to my art but drawing him just really made me smile#im glad i got to do him justice and want to continue to do so <:]#ill stop rambling but yeah genuinely somehow this of all things has really made me smile
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After 9-ish hours of painting, playing with Krita features, and listening to long horror related video essays, I have completed what I consider, my best piece to date Honestly I am just so fucking proud of this, I just felt like drawing my favorite 80s horror icons with some headcanon designs and then suddenly I was practicing a bunch of stuff I needed to like Shading, color variation, and backgrounds
#spideer'sart#myart#freddy krueger#the nightmare on elm street#jason voorhees#friday the 13th#ash williams#evil dead#honestly I was also getting imposter syndrome the whole time i was working on it#its such a huge improvement on what I was making on ibis#I was so worried cause it feels like just a few months of traditional art and a small amount of practice on krita shouldnt give me-#the giant leap in improvement that it did#probably also helps that my canvas size is no longer limited to such an extent as it was on Ibis x#anyways ignoring my proud ass I think Freddy needs to be creepier and I love spiders so the best choice was clear#ohh ohh and I limited each of them to a 3rd of the color wheel which i think turned out really good#yknow what im not going to apologize for tooting my own horn#im allowed to have this one time to boast. then ill go back to undercrediting myself
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Improvement :3
#turns out practice does work....who would have thought .. apparently not me...#im very proud I've stayed with it#me??? actually liking ny art??? and seeing myself improve more than i have in a year within a couple months??????????#what a good hyperfixation/special interest does to you/silly#alas i need to keep branching out to the other ieytd characters because i wanna work on my fabby design#i have a hard time with costume and um she is literally THE fashion girlie so. i gotta work on that#because she DESERVES IT DAMNIT#also still working on a mental image for zor...sigh#im really into the vitti as zor theory and that 'zor' is a role/title that's kinna passed on....idk...i have thoughts.....#but yeah zor is so painfully human to me but also is trying to not be drives me up the WALL#THAT'S ANOTHER POSTS RANT how did i get here#alas#ieytd#[agent moose's art]#THAT'S IT not individually tagging these doodles? drawings? are not good enough for that#i don't have. the urge to draw in full colour rn <- so so so so busy <- leaves secondary education in less than 2 months#alas. I'm surviving. and very excited about next steps. just gotta get through. via ieytd. it's becoming my mantra#i keep saying i should make designs for solaris and redo my fabby so i can have triple threat explaining science to me on my flashcards#im. coping in my own special way
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wtf hey gang
you're never gonna guess who it is LMFAOAOAOAO
HELLO WORLD IM BACKKKKKKKKK sorry for not writing for a while............. i've been going thru some whack shit lately but i graduated a couple weeks ago so that's pretty awesome!! hopefully i'll actually be able to get back into the flow of writing cuz i have 60 somethin' asks that i've been neglecting since scott pilgrim takes off came out??
also please expect more ghost content because i saw rite here rite now last night (REALLY FUCKING GOOD BTW I CRODE) and i am very much back to my natural state of fixating on the ghouls
#twiix rambles#feels good to be back honestly#i forgot about this blog for the longest time#which i do feel kinda bad about#i just haven't had like#much of a drive to write at all for about a year#went through a lot of stuff this year#sorta been working on my mental health#trying to better myself as a person#things have been hard#and i do feel really guilty about not posting#so many neglected asks#i love rambling in the tags as if people are gonna read all of this mumbo jumbo#tldr im back and im gonna try writing again#expect slowish updates#thank you for everything though guys#there is nothing that makes me happier than seeing that people are still reading my writing years later#i've improved so much as time has passed and im very proud of myself#im very proud of how far i've come#i owe it all to you guys :3
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um. tfw your life is about to change massively very very soon and it still doesn't even feel real yet and still feels like somethings gonna pop up and it won't actually happen and also you're scared as fuck that you're too stupid to actually do it and it'll all be for nothing
#like what do you mean full time salaried w benefits and paid vacation just to do. school.#what made you so enthusiastically think i was the perfect one to do this#when the last approx 20something other guys were like ummmm no you cannot do it#tbf like all that other shit up there aside#this did actually come at the perfect time#i look back on who i was during my masters and i legit do not recognize that person#i barely even remember it i have to look at pictures to think back on who i was#in a strange roundabout way being forced home to stay for a while#kind of re centered me and gave me time to come back to myself in a big way. i was really lost before#and chaining something like this directly after my masters would have been disasters#even like this time last year i did not have this level of mental clarity#and i think thats why i didn't get any of the other positions i was just in a fog and i think people could tell#so as much as like im super scared and nervous about this big change and big exit from my comfort zone#and a little sad and mournful that im leaving my family and wont hear my native language all day every day anymore#im the most ready ive ever been#2019 me was NOT ready im scared of her tbh!! idk what wave i was on but it was weirdo shit!#im also proud that i essentially rawdogged and brute forced a lot of introspection and improvement#entirely on my own#like i really can only just describe it as clarity i feel like i matured 10 years in 4 and cleared all the fog#i feel so good about the way i handle things and react to things now vs then#im like 500x more unbothered and actually know how to put myself first now#anyway uh this prob could have been its own post in and of itself#but woteva innit im proud of how much internal repairs i did on myself over the last few years#became a stable genius as it were#whos a lot more clearly defined and present#but fuck man! i am still scared of being 2stupid
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siddex throughout the ages ...
#cw eyestrain#tw eyestrain#70sgi#im so sorry if sids guitar looks fucked up.#but anyways HAAYYYYY#i decided that bc i overzoom a lot that im jist gonna not let myself zoom in on art anymore for like. a while. at least until i get better &#more comfortable with it. for the sake of improvement#and i'm really proud of how this came out :]] hehehe#ahhh le 70s siddex. how ive missed thee#i still love drawing normal siddex too. its just been a while since ive dipped into 70s au art#but anyways. anyways#i hope u all enjoy... :]#rlm#gorilla interrupted#siddex#dex#sid#red letter media
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Between Hiccup's designs for GoW and helping out @stygicniron designs for Nico, I feel very accomplished rn.
#🔥▓◤out of dragon nip: ooc post◥#no but really the fact ive bounced back to this point has made me very happy#i literally went from a place of i was going to quit and never draw again to doing this has been such a big improvement on my part#im very proud to have gotten to where i am rn#i know im blabbing but this is kind of a big deal for me rn#tbd#kris yaps#i feel very very very proud of what ive done#and im most likely going to be drawing more art for this verse so long as my mind and hand allows me to#im not pushing myself but i wanna work on valka's design a bit if i can get myself to do it
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IM SO PISSED OFF I'M SO PISSED OFF ONE POINT AWAY FROM GOLD???? ONE???? WE HAD NO NEGATIVE FEEDBACK????? LIKE AT LEAST IF WE WEREN'T GOOD ENOUGH FOR GOLD LIKE LAST YHEAR GIVE US CONSTRUCTIVE CRITISISM AND HOW TO IMPROVE BUT THERE WAS NO REAL CRITISISMS YOU HAD TO OFFER????. NONE????? BITCH?????
#killing the adjudicators of [recent choir competition] with my mind#except outnumbered guy i trust you actually UNDERSTAND THE BLOODY STYLE OF MUSIC#im so pissed off i'm so pissed off#we go tthe ajudicator feedback from the choir competition we competed in 2 weeks ago#they gave out 6 gold awards#we got a silver#which fine okay we can always improve for next year you know proud of us anyway#but like????#the feedback was that we were really good and the judges loved us??? and that our technique was fantastic and we were excellent????#like thats not feedback a silver choir gets#also they were like “need more melisma in the bach” like NO WE DIDN'T? DO YOU KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT THE STYLE OF MUSIC WE WERE DOING????#THE BOW CHANGES WERE SUPPOSED TO BE THERE DUMB FUCKS#sorry im very normal and not salty at all (🧂🧂🧂🧂🧂me🧂🧂🧂🧂🧂)#like another choir got an 88 which cool fine congrats#but like#we were better than them?? their harmonies didn't lock in very well#but just because they were showy and had a dramatic piece#they did really well#i also think its unfair of the adjudicators to tell us we needed to be louder#when all the choirs that got gold had 2-3 times the amount of people we did#like my bad let me just clone myself real quick#anyway im not mad im not mad im not mad im not mad#(we won gold at the world choir games in the year and it sucks to feel like we've regressed somehow)#(when we've tried so hard and improved so much idk)#choirposting#saltyposting
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#dont call anyone im safe im fine im just venting. tw for suicide/self harm/kind of intense language. ideally no ones reading this tho#bro i cant keep living like this#i dread waking up every day so much that i dread even falling asleep#i got insomnia medication in my system and my brain is still like nope absolutely not#i cant keep up at my job even when i am rested enough#i get headaches every other day#my instant mental reaction in the face of stress is to hurt myself (i have not)#like fuck. i work for the disability department of an insurance company#i know for a fact that (probably) every contract stipulates we wont cover disabilities as a result of self inflicted injuries#which is supposed to prevent ppl from taking advantage of the system or whatever#and im always like if someone goes to the lengths of actively injuring themselves to the point of disability#in the name of 'getting out of work'#that person is not 'taking advantage of the system' THAT PERSON IS FUCKING MENTALLY ILL#AND I WOULD KNOW BC I AM ONE OF THOSE PPL#do not come for me on some shit about wanting to disable yourself being morally questionable i cant be concerned abt that rn#i gotta focus on the fact that i hate my life so much id rather break my own right hand than continue it#its an improvement from the active suicidal ideation but its still a symptom of the passive ideation#fucking hell. im too self aware so i absolutely feel like im faking it or making shit up so i can be lazy and not work and whatever#but FUCKING CHRIST theres no way. if i had a choice i wouldnt let myself feel like this.#i just got to a point where i can live alone and support myself. i was so happy and so proud of myself. I don't want to lose that#but god every phone call i have to make for work makes me want to hurt myself. every early morning (and there arent many!!! i mostly work#from home!!!) makes me wish i was dead. i have to sleep for hours after work more often than not. i cant really maintain my living space#theres fucking. mold and discoloration and shit on a bunch of my clothes and some of my bags and shit!!#cause i cant fucking keep my room clean and my basement apartment got fucking humid over the summer and so much moisture got trapped#i constantly have dirty dishes getting moldy before i get to them#i just dont have the fucking energy. i want to take better care of my space. i want to be more social. i just want to go to sleep without#fucking dreading waking up. i wanna go a full week without a headache. i want my stress response to be something other than the intense and#overwhelming desire to cut myself. if i start again i dont know if ill be able to stop and i know i wont be able to keep it to my arms/legs/#easily hidden parts of my body. last breakdown i escalated to my face and i know ill pick up from there.#fuck
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my dad came in and saw me on the couch (for the first time all day and i had literally just sat down for less than a minute when he came in) w heating pad and immediately goes "you have two options" (different chores to do) (as if i was like 10 years old and getting punished for something that i didnt even know i did wrong). what about secret third option where you treat me like an adult or i don't come home for winter next year. Lol
#.mei chats#soryr really my family is. great i need to stpo complain#i just wish theyd realize that im not incompetent#i do a really good job taking care of myself for the entire 10 months out of the year that i dont live with them#and im proud of the independence ive developed bc i worked really hard to feel ANY sort of positive feelings about myself#but they just dont recognize it at all when i come back#trying to tell me how to microwave my food and reminding me of paperwork i have to do#Thanks i literally managed the entire program tasks myself for the last 6~months but yeah you better remind me about the medical forms#or else ill totally forget and mess up the whole thing :'333 bc im just so stupid!! thakn you soooo much for taking care of me!!#<- not like ive been hypervigilant and anxious about making sure i do every little thing with it perfect#in fact there was actually an issue w one of my forms bc they made me submit it even though i didn't think it was filled out properly.#they were like “itll be fine youre overthinking” guess who got an email 3 days later saying the form was completely invalid.#god just bottom line why cantthey trust me when i say im on top of it. fucking trust me this program is my entire life right now#i am putting literally eveyr ounce of effort i've got into not ruining it. they just dont see the improvements and growth ive made at all#so frustrating bc ive worked so hard to pinpoint and fix that specifically but what can ya do#god this got long. sawry#.not f/o related
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my favorite teacher plays dnd and bg3 do you know how crazy that is to me
#⋯ ꒰ა starry thoughts ໒꒱ *·˚#LOTS OF THOUGHTS HII GOOD NOON TODAY WAS A REAL FUN DAY#I ALMOST BROKE DOWN AND ALSO I KINDA VENTED AND G#UH. WHY IS TUMBLR WEIRD AND CLOSING MY POST. ANYWAY!#i did vent to my friends abt annoying classmates (aka annoying ppl who are irresponsible) that bring me and my friends and groups grades#down. and yeah. but i bonded a lot w various frienda and and and fun day and and and I LEARN ^^ AND#things are quite bad sometimes but sometimes they aren't actually that bad and idk school is just really fun i'm almost sad#just really happy with where i am rn and my friends are noticing too sniffs ..... noticing how i'm talking more or whatnot#and more comfy and whatnot and hey it did take like. quite a while. but still! just. really happy#bcs this Quite A While was either basically immediate but in the making (two friends) or gradual but always getting there (group in class)#and etc !!! like hey maybe some friends online or irl i am not talking to as much atm but there's the comfort that we still greatly care#for wach other. and whatnot. and there's just a lot and damn if i gave up this wouldn't be happening lol my point is things do get better#and a lot of it tbh is on how you improve and see things (???) idk but damn i'm just rlly proud of myself#I COULD STILL DO BETTER mbut idk all of this is me and im just rlly secure in that and i have been since the longest time ngl. im amazing#yeehaw ANYWAYYYYFGEGKR BG3 I STARTED A DARK URGE RUN LAST NIGHT YE GODS ITS A BIT SCARY TO ME BUT I LOVE THE BLOOD#im trying to fight against it bcs im using my main tav but boom make him a durge guy so ^_^
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Winterfest with the Kennedys, gen 3
Falliana couldn't wait for Halloween to be over with and was so excited for Winterfest, that she put up two different trees. Manabu was a great help now that Falliana is reaching her third trimester. Looks like the twins will be winter babies!
#I love this#im ngl my decorating has improved#my gf really liked how it turned out im so proud of myself#the sims 4#show us your builds#sims 4#kennedy legacy#the kennedy legacy
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okay so i did basically 4.5 years of design school to become an industrial designer which is just a fancy degree word for "I make consumer products and curate user experiences" or whatever
ANYWAY I'm staring at the sketch of L's bong and I know, I KNOW, so deeply it would be productive to sketch up more concepts and brain storm like I was schooled to, but my burn out brain is like >:(((((( NO BRAIN STORM. NO CONCEPTUALIZE. ONLY SKETCH!!
#qeyond sucks#i didnt get my bachelors cuz i dropped out a year before graduation cuz of burn out and covid making the course online (very hands on)#so while my classmates are graduating this month (SO PROUD OF THEM!!!) im here drawing Light Yagami's dump truck ass#and L lawliet worlds greatest detective blazed out his gourd yearning and longing#that being said despite sketching all the time in those 4.5 years I literally never got to draw for myself#so this is the first time in a long long long time ive drawn people#and im just really happy with how my skills are improving and im learning CSpaint and just#getting to interact with other people in the death note fandom is ALWAYS such a huge mood boost#im really really so happy yall are having fun with me <3#idk i havent been in a community besides being queer since like 2010 so its just really really nice#<3 <3 <3#anyway -_- might have to do concept page#BUT I WONT STRESS MYSELF OUT TRYING TO BE PROFESSIONAL AND GOOD ABOUT THE PERSPECTIVES#I WONT!!!! I ... I wont... ; _ ;#(profs are gonna show up and kill me for fucking up an ellipse)
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cooked up a little something for the hottest cold weather themed contest of the year!!!
ill do a write up about it later cause I haven’t slept for like 32 hours but for now….BEHOLD!
#I think I made a big improvement this year#im proud of myself#I should really make a tumblr art acct soon tbh#this account isn’t meant to be super serious or well organised yaknow#hatsune miku#vocaloid#snow miku#初音ミク#ボカロ#snow miku 2024#eheh#torn between oh god I could’ve done x y z so much better and ohh im a good little guy who worked very hard and deserves a treat#the usual#it’s impossible to pick my favs of other peoples entries this year cause the contest theme is so targeted to my interests that I simply a#m overwhelmed with love for the whole lot of em#the link goes to the original Piapro website listing for my entry! likes and engagement don’t matter until top 6 so no pressure but#feel free to check it if you like#yeah
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I feel like I'll never be a good artist because of my aphantasia
#its like it goes both ways... i love art but its so difficult because i cant make it spontaneously but making art helps me visualize#the things that i want to see#its the only way for me to see my alters or my inner world#and its the only way i can remember my friends faces even a little (i also have very poor facial recognition)#its my only way to imagine... my only way to daydream#my only way to see things differently#to see myself differently#and it hurts that its so limited#im scared to complain because im afraid people will tell me im just not cut out for art#or that i clearly dont really have it because i can draw#but i dont think they know just how much effort i put into everything. just how much it means to me#i feel like a terrible person and a terrible artist because i have to rely on reference images and tracing so heavily#i feel like everyone will hate me if they knew how much i rely on other peoples art to improve...#i dont want to do anything wrong i just want to maks thinge#i just want to make things#Its the reason i stopped showing people my art and the reason i dont think ill ever be able to profit off my art#even though its my greatest skill (still not saying much clearly)#im scared ill show someone something im proud of and theyll accuse me#id rather just keep it to myself...#do you know how hard it is to be proud of something or love something that youre ashamed to show anyone else?#idk this probably sounds incredibly stupud#im sorry if any of you actually read this
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I always wondered how anyone was able to write something with more than 5k words when I'd always struggle with it but now with how this mhyk fic is going I'm like: I understand. Also I feel like my writing has improved somehow? Which I'm really REALLY happy for.
#aria rants#its easier for me to put my thoughts to words now that it felt like i was on a roll. and tbf the fic's story being more on the lighthearted#chaotic side helped a lot with that cuz i can just go ham with it but like going from one scene to the next was easier for me today somehow#honestly really proud and happy to see myself improve in writing too cuz its the first skill im rlly proud of myself for#like when i was a kid i was first an art kid. id draw mermaids and stuff in my notebook with a pencil but after i tried out writing#just focused all on writing instead and for the longest time. i wasnt actually confident with my writing so much so that there were#moments where id think back to the past and wished that i kept going with art instead of writing cuz it felt like the years#ive spent on writing was a waste in a way where i didnt improve anything at all. also didnt help that i chose to keep writing#using 1st pov which is ngl. a wrong move with how really difficult it was to pull off esp as a beginner#it wasnt until last year that i began to grow a lil confident with my writing enough to post bout it (omori fics and all that)#and tbh! i am confident bout it now too! and happy that im pursuing art as well and improving on BOTH!#its the best thing and im rlly happy with how everything is going for me. i got great friends that im so happy to have made#a new and old skill that im making improvements and also growth for my own self too >:3#anyway i fooled you all this was actually a heartfelt message in disguise mwahahahahaha
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