#really i only didnt cuz a) i didnt want to associate myself with it and b) i didnt want to think about it

[malzanya]

i avoided talking about the damn blog for so long but there's something an amount of freeing to just talk shit about it again. rock lee shedding the weights

[zurrr]

@nopecontest says no one uses this place to blog anymore, only reblog, so ill post some thoughts here and call it "blogging".

the internet is getting stupider and as i approach my 30s i find myself thinking more frequently about mid 2000s internet and all the dumb things i was interested in. ytmnd. different internet forums dedicated to sonic, ed edd n eddy, and the powerpuff girls. the friends i lost contact with from those forums. avgn when he was in his 20s and just starting out. wanting to make ytps thinking that was my calling at the time. newgrounds. albinoblacksheep. getting banned from deviantart multiple times because i was under 13. none of this is present anymore and will never be present again and thats bleak to think about on a regular basis. kids on the internet today will never experience online memories like this.

im more accepting of working my same retail job forever than i ever was, as the benefits are all i think about and how things could be worse. it used to be a big anxiety of mine, trying to think about how i could break away from retail and never go back to it, but honestly there is nothing else especially when i have no skills or education (if that even matters anymore) but like at the same time i dont care as much anymore. i make enough to get by. i could buy a thing i dont need and still be able to buy things i do need. im in a good position and have things others dont and theres no reason to fret over it anymore.

ive been figuring out my identity lately. i slowly came to the realization that i do not like wearing feminine clothes or presenting solely as female. ive struggled with body dysmorphia since, i wanna say before age 8 idk anymore, and ive always associated this was having an eating disorder, which im not gonna deny that i have. i often calorie restrict, and sometimes i dont realize that im doing this because im occupying myself so much that im not thinking about taking care of myself. this will be an ever-present thing about myself, but im learning that i can combat this by changing my wardrobe. i feel more confident when im not settling for wearing a dress or putting on make up cuz i feel like i "have to", and instead choosing clothes that are actually comfortable and not form fitting. ive been trying to explore this more, still a ways to go maybe, but mentally it's been comforting to consider and ill say here i go by she/they pronouns. it used to be she/her with no hesitation but thats not me anymore.

ive been watching one piece since last year and it's been interesting. this is one of those series that i never thought about watching, mostly because i didnt really grow up watching anime religiously and this is one i knew existed but i didnt think it was something i needed to touch when i just watched western shows. one piece is good. another thing that is good is dragon ball z, another series i didnt think id ever touch. i think both changed me for the better cuz it broadened my horizons and it feels like i made new friends. not in fandoms, i mean characters. im friends with characters. puar dragon ball is my friend.

to those who have been following me forever but only on tumblr specifically, im still drawing the same ocs. theyve gotten more complex, meaning they are much sadder and burdened with insecurities that i know too well. NEVERMIND is the only thing im gonna do forever cuz it's gonna take me a long time to get anywhere with it and i dont have enough time in a day to do it all, but thats ok to have only one creative focus. NVM is therapy and i dont need another project. you can read my webcomic here but it's on hiatus until next year. it is also apart of spiderforest which is a webcomic collective, maybe check out other comics on SF too while youre at it and support webcomic creators.

im gonna be grieving about panda (the cat i used to post about here) forever and thats ok too. she passed away 2 years ago in november and i think about her every day. i dont get as emotional about it anymore though. i maybe could if i focused hard enough on it, but i dont have to do that because i have a another cat now who is named bean. she's 4 and is so fuckin silly (and smelly) and i love her a lot. more rambunctious than im used to, but the memories i and @nopecontest have begun building with her have been well worth it. here she is playing mario sunshine

[bisquuet]

hi! still alive! AN UPDATE: LONG READ :D no new devlin content since im focusing on my oc comic :( ( speaking of comics. remember that other comic i posted here like once and never talked about it again?? yeah.. ) - lets talk about that. will i ever go back to that comic? -yes, when? i don't know.. i realized i went into the comic very.. unprepared.. or less prepared than i thought i was. so it got me second guessing things and getting confused..!! i have a VAGUE idea of how I want it to go, or atleast i DID, now im not so sure.. I think i need to sit down, splurge out my thoughts and ideas and go from there,, now i technically have a WHOLE post that is done that was supposed to be dropped shortly after the first one. but i thought to myself, oh ill just work on the next update and once im halfway THEN ill drop the second one! i never got halfway. i ended up just sketching more up ahead and adjusting and ''fixing'' things in the second update. making me loose track of time and getting behind, not only i had school to deal with too! so i just have a LOT of storyboarding of pages...that im slighlty afraid of looking at cuz i know that ill want to fix it but ill be unmotivated to actually fix it.. (bad rawr!!) eventually i have to get to it..!! >< ANOTHER major factor of the delay was my confidence, i wasn't satisifed and even frustrated at times when something didnt come out as good as it did in my head. i REALLY like the first update pages! especially devlins scene! but i think i got too ahead of myself and put WAY too much onto my plate, raising expections, of others and myself, mostly myself.... and I was trying to copy to a manga style, rather than convert my style normally into a manga setting, if that makes any sense. so i wasnt.... 'comfortable' drawing.. i dont know how else to describe it! but ever since then and even before, ive been getting less confident with my art and my style, feeling like its ugly or its getting worse. forcing myself to keep drawing, straining myself trying to make something that looks good to me. i have lots of fun and joy drawing for others, the reason i draw is BECUZ i just want to share what i make! as shallow as it sounds i like creating content for others to enjoy! it makes me happy and proud of what i draw! so. when i make something i dont like, i cant bring myself to show it cuz I dont like it.. others may, but that wouldnt change how i would feel about it. i felt that way deeply with the second update, which is why i kept tweaking it,,, and so I just let myself get caught up with other things.. feeling upset and guilty that I kinda just.. abandonded the comic..! saying that ill pracitce and oh ill do that , i Need to do this and this and this when i havent even done ANYTHING! i think, and i genuinely mean this, i think ive only recently started to ACTUALLY do things.! like development for my OC comic, writing for it, making content and sharing about them to whoever would lend an ear! so in a way the seewar comic walked so that my OC comic could run, hopefully.. so, unfortunately ill be focsuing more of my attention on my OC comic, and i honestly can't promise anything. the only thing i CAN say is that i will share the second update that i finished long ago.., no matter how much internal rawr doesnt want to, i feel like thats the first step to overcoming this fear and dread ive associate with the comic, which is something i DONT want. ill be scheudling to drop this weekend since ill be away.. i dont know when ill actively start working on the seewar comic again becuz i genuinely want to finish it and share it, i just have to not be too ambitious and plan out whats necessary. anyways.. now that school is out im finally paying all of my debts and owed art.. its rough but it has to be done. thanks if you have read all of this,, i greatly appreacite the support, from friends and followers, fossils, (thats what my fans are called wink wink) love yall fr <3

[burnt-coffeepot]

i've decided that it doesnt matter if i fear i might be transgender just cuz of x

i fear i might be trans just cuz i feel uncomfortable with people treating me as nothing more than a sexy doll, just cuz i feel uncomfortable when people see me and they immediately think about sex.

i am uncomfortable with the thought of female sexual roles being associeted to me in other people's mind, and i want to control this as much as possible.

i am still really uncomfortable with the thought of sex and i dont let myself enjoy my sexual life cuz the shame and the uncomfortableness is just too big.

my friends still are shocked when it comes up and they discover i've been active, i've been the dominant part all the times. cuz they see me and then think about me as a sex doll and i hate it cuz it's not their fault and it's just the way society is built but it's not my fault either and i dont want to be associated with sex in this way.

im not a top, i am a switch, i probably would enjoy partaking in sexual acts in other positions of control, but i dont feel comfortable with what derives from it.

i fear im gonna be treated as a class B citizien Even More.

but being a guy, no one would care. being a guy my personhood would not be diminished because everyone assumes im dominant, so who cares. I feel helpless, and it doesn't help that the people around me comment on my body, on my boobs and my ass all the time to say how fuckable i am.

it all comes down to this, being born a female:

how fuckable i am in the eyes of others.

BUT THERE IS MORE TO WOMANHOOD THAN THIS and i love women and i dont think about sex when i see a pretty woman, even when she's dressed in a way that may lead most to think immediately about sex, i just see a fucking person.

so i dont understand why (in my mind) this applies Only To Me.

only I am perceived the wrong way.

that's why i feel i'd be more comfortable being a boy. and i've been a boy for a while now and I Am much more comfortable, really. But not everyone knows I'm a boy cuz im still stuck dressing in a way that communicates "womanhood" to the people around me.

I am not allowed happyness cuz it doesn't matter how much i try, everything everyone sees when they look at me is a fucking fleshlight that walks.

i feel like i am being denied personhood.

to think about my gender as something totally unrelated to sex for the past years has been so freeing

i have been experimenting: my gender is gaming, my gender is neon colors, my gender is black holes and nebulas, my gender is space pirates, my gender is gayboyfag, my gender is flapping my hands when im excited, my gender is glitter, my gender is an artwork made in paint ms.

this has been a liberating experience

but it's not enough yet

i need to start wearing clothes that match this idea that i have of me in my mind. i would love to be a lesbian too, if it weren't that i am bisexual BUT I STILL WOULD LIKE TO BE A LESBIAN

Like, I Mean if i lived 20 or 30 years ago, i would be rolling with the butches and the femmes, i would have found community with them, i would have started a riot grrrl band.

but i started "pretending" to be a boy on the internet when i was age 13/14, and i dont think that the liberation that i find in being perceived and treated as a boy (or boy adiacent genders) is gonna go away soon

so yeah, i think im transgender, im not an imposter, i really am.

why? cuz thinking about myself as a boy has only made me happier since i've started, and it has helped me get on the path to liberate myself from social pressure about sexuality and behaviour/manners.

if thinking about yourself as X gender makes you happier, EVEN IF YOU DIDNT THINK OF YOURSELF AS X GENDER ALL YOUR LIFE, then by all means i think you should be able to say you are X gender.

Chase happiness

Create Your Self

[cogbreath]

ngl even tho i had faith in both you and allah that whatever you had done would not be the end of you i WAS worried still so yeah like everyone else is saying i'm also rly glad that you're recovering. congrats on surviving life's bullshit yet again my friend. may the next one maybe be less painful tho bc that did/does not sound like a fun time

jazakallah khair ❤️

and i do wanna apologise for worrying you guys. we all do know that i didnt mean to but i do understand how even when we r aware of that, it can still hurt and be scary to see someone u care about end up in a situation like that and it can be confusing and frustrating cuz of the fact its so clearly not a good thing to do to oneself. but im rlly rlly thankful that despite all that you guys have it in your hearts to be so so gentle and kind to me which seriously means the world to me

im not entirely sure how bad my situation really was, because it's honestly difficult for me to remember how much i actually ended up drinking, my memory is rlly blurry about it but i do know that i did pass out for a while. i wasn't exactly worried at first that i felt that i needed to puke and legit was shocked when i started seeinf it turning red n shit. i wanfed to believe that somehow it was just something i ate that was also red but when i started tasting the taste of iron i Knew. because it seemed to be becoming more and more bloody i was like. "o fuck." i was still aware of ans believing in the resilience of the human body, reminding myself that people have literally survived getting hit with a particle beam in the head, but nonetheless it doesnt change the fact that vomiting blood is something associated with fatal outcomes. i guess honestly it really doesn't matter either way what the true severity of it was and i shouldn't trouble myself too much about trying to figure it out because no matter what, it was a dangerous and bad situation to be in. also im not detailing more now about what happened so as to be shocking or graphic but like i just want to be honest about it so i can help process it and help u guys have more clarity on what happened now that im not as delirious and panicked as i was when it all went down

i wasnt scared to die and honestly no matter what never will be because of the way my brain is wired about the concept of death, but what i was most scared of was that ppl i care about and that allah would be mad at me. so it helps a lot to have that affirmed that nobodys mad at me and nobody thinks that i'm stupid or had it coming

sorry if this is more than u expected as a response, but you guys are some of the only people i can feel comfortable being truly deeply honest with. i dont ever intend to trouble you with things that arent your job to manage and i dont intend to freak people out. but maybe thats not nice to assume thats what anyone is thinking. ily

[roffmychest]

(cw fetish mention, long post)

when i was in the 4th grade i got REALLY into pokemon and conciquently i found.... pokemon transformations..... through deviantart, being VERY young and getting bullied alot i just imagined myself turning into a pokemon like those comics and wishing i could just turn into one and live my life alone.. and i got VERY fixated on transformation artwork NOT KNOWING IT WAS FETISH ART i drew alot of pokemon transformations during the after-school homework program and i assigned my classmates pokemon and id imagine them turning into them while were lost in the mountains and i magically didnt get bullied anymore or something i even requested like 5 different artworks, i used to speak to someone on discord who would have written for free the above story i had in mind and i had to block them out of nowhere once because they were making me uncomfortable, now again i was 10-11

i tired to get into it again, 2020 (before my bday, i was 12 at the time) i had an account on twitter (it might be still up), at this point i still did not know it was werid as hell and just thought the idea of shapeshifting is super cool! but just ended up abandoning it cuz i got into other stuff anyway

2021.. i was 14 and i was going through the WORST sad state of my life (not calling it depression or anything, just know i wanted to end my own life very badly) i had a now deactivated anon vent account on twt that id throw whatever and i tried to get into transformation again, at this point i FINALLY learnt that its seen as a fetish and i feel like ive been lied to the whole time even though i definatly have not been, i made the mistake of trying to show it to my old priv account with followers (in the end didnt use it) because i just, wanted to become a different character i liked and dissapear and to live their life and not deal with whatever i was dealing with, im so mad at myself, i just like shapeshifting and i wanted to , as i said, dissapear so to learn the thing that brought me comfort when i was 10 was ...fucking werid devistated me, before that i even wrote a story with a person my age (WITH THEIR PERMISSION, WE TALKED ABOUT THIS BEFORE HAND) turning into our fave characters in a mobile game that we were fixating one

im now 16 and i have not gone back to thinking about it, i made a oc during my time as a 14 year old that can shapeshift into a dog and im terrified that people will associate it with that fetish, though its a oc in a kids game so probably not but the thought still scares me, i NEVER saw it sex appearing in any way, its NOT a fetish to me, but i never knew and it made me feel terrible

i hate myself for going down this path and beliving it was ok for so long, i hate myself, i hate the fact i tried to revive it, i hate the fact no one realised how werid it was i hate the fact i spoke to someone who made me uncomfortable and wrote free fanfictions for me i hate everything i dont care if i was at my lowest points of my life i shouldnt have looked at that at that age even if i had unrestricted internet beforehand, i do not blame myself for not knowing it was fetish art the first time and having to lie about my age because of deviatarts policy, but fuck deviantart and fuck myself for not realising it sooner and tried to get into it again and again

the only thing i dont hate is that it made me draw more, i wish i could just go back and throw myself warrior cats or something instead to grow up w something different, im sorry to the people on my old priv account if they my reblogs im sorry im so fucking sorry even if theyve forgotten by now i feel sick

.

[chuck-e-cheese-anime-faces]

I wouldnt have thought that at all because i only ever associate that specific synth instrument with arthur background music and also just pre schooler shows in general by extension because of arthur (all his fault.).

Because i used to always consider it a preschool show even though it can be but isnt necessarily its just always played alongside all linds of primarily pre school shows or so i remember kids in preschool always said i was too old for those shows by the age of 5 i think that was it but either way i always took it to heart and was able to put it in practice when i remembered using directv for the first time when we got it installed which i think was around the same time. Well actually, it was directv with tivo i think because i remember the living room and parents room having both having tivo but the channel numbers were the same as directv even tho i thought tivo was just a separate cable provided. But it would make sense if it wss just a company tht like, attached itself to other cable providers to provide a service (digitally automatic tv recording easy to access, navigate to favorite shows, prioritize recording w the 1-3 thumbs up/down system, as well as to even mark which shows and even individual episodes you liked or hated so when ur navigating channel guide you can be like "Oh shit that episode was a really good one, either someone else may have put that rating there to passively reccomend it, or i saw this show/episoslde before and i liked it!!" Or "aw yeah. Theres a bad ep of power puff girls on in a couple hours, myst be one with the rowdyruff boys or that episode with that gross fucking kid who kept trying to kiss them god i fucking hate that episode so much jesus christ but if it was tbat one it would probly have 3 thumbs down and that one only has 1."

Anyways pls dont get the wrong idea tivo is not one of my special interests or current hyperfixations at least not rn im just reminiscing and thinking back to how clearly i rmemeber it and i also really really liked how the interface looked w the calming green backgrounds and the very 2000s sorta like..chic sorta style in a way like idk how to explain it its like the kinda interface i would see on the tv at a pretty new and expensive hotel and the sfx were fun too tivo was fucking awesome)

Anyway i would know immediately which channels were ones like both est and pst channels of nickelodeon and also nicktoons which i watched the shit out of which kind of sorta was something tht in a way kiiinda made me a 90s kid which i TECHNICALLY am but not rlly cuz i was alive in the 90s for like 9 months cuz i was born in 99 (huh thats a lotta 9s in that sentence). But i hated preschool shows for a while kinda partially becuase i didnt really like, allow myself to enjoy them, so as u can imagine the channel noggin that lied between the nick feeds and nicktoons was like a little hurdle to jump over to get to the good shit. And yeah that channel had no goddamn thing for me like til some time noon or afternoon they became "The N" which was a bunch of mostly degrassi teen shows that were heavily if not all live action so i did not care for them at all because i just wanted my goddamn toooooooons.

Speakin o toonami, which was on cartoon network, for a time i kinda hated the cartoon network for like, no clear reason tbh. All the way up until at least age 10 or 11. I think it was cuz i associated it with my first cousin once removed (it thats what you call a cousins kid) who i had jind of a rough relationship with because he was just 2 years younger than me and overall i didnt have a good start with him as he was a baby / toddler like i remember him sorta antagonizing me for fun i think as a thing toddlers can do but i really hated it like i dostinctly remember this one night when the family was hangin out at someplace we were sitting on the couch and yells something and then just throws his fuckin bottle at me and it hurt like hell and cried and on top of that he got a lot more stuff he wanted than me like i remember my cousin (his dad) just one time told me they get him whatever he wants and for that i also resented him because i had been taught not to be spoiled so i felt jealous and so i was kinda short with him growing up and i feel bad for it but it was really not necessarily anyones fault it had to do with our situations tbh and it was so long ago when we didnt know as much about many things. Anyways he watched cartoon network a lot and i think i jjst realized THATs why i started not likeing cartoon network a lot because i rmemeber before then i did watch it a lot i loved dexter and the powerpuff girls (first ever crushes for me im pretty sure) and id get to see some scooby doo where are you before mom would drive me to school from place where we were, id be having shredded tuna for breakfast a lot of days because i really liked it.

But yeah i think it just so happened to be righf around the same time when i was getting to know my first cousin once removed or "nephew" as i would refer to him because they always referred to us as uncle and nephew fsr maybe its cuz it sojnded cooler to them than first cousin once removed. Anyways yeah right around then i just started not liking shit like dexter and even powerpuff girls, powerpuff girls in particular might have also been because kids at my school would call it a girls show for girls fhat could have also played into that but i also just do remember being heavily disillusioned and just not liking cartoon network, somehow i couldnt really see exactly why for a while, but i think thats gotta be it. The same kinda happened with toon disney, which i also would watch, and eventually disney in general. Like i just started arvitrarily hating everything disney for good long while, and i think from there i just would have some continuous brand hatred. I rememver like, the big 3 i hated were disney (which idk if i mentioned but now that i think abt it i think i also associated tht with my "nephew" because they werent a HUGE disney family but they did go to disney a lot and had a lot of disney stuff so they were at least good fond of disney, toon disney also may factor into this the inital hatred because i think i associate it with nephew and remmeber one night when me n him watched it at other cousins house (so his ant btw) and i remember it not going well maybe.), cartoon network, and starting later than those, or at least later than disney general hatred, was toaster strudel hate because i saw commercials of them dissing pop tarts and acting like the superior breakfast toaster pastry and because of that there was a long time i just fucking hated toaster strudels and just pilsbury in general befause thats the company that made them, all because they had to diss the shit out of pop tarts, a breakfast pastry that i wasnt even huge on before i saw those toaster strudel commercials. I think it was because of like, how mean i perceived these commercials to be, cuz i hadnt seen commercials take the shit outta other products like that. Like i think i saw poptarts as some kinda downtrodden friend who got hurt by toaster strudels. Later felt the same about sega when i saw a lot of sega v nintendo ads on youtube late 2000s because they were being mean and i didnt like it. Also object sympathy n shit too.

Okay i derailed the fuck out of that but basically what i was originally trying to get at was that i always considered pbs kids a preschool channel. It might actually be because even though shows like arthur were kinda targeted older kids than toddler and preschool, it would air on the same channel and block as shows like sesame street which were kinda primarily targeted at toddler and preschool kids. And for years because of all that whenever i heard about anyone watching arthur any older than 6 or so i found it strange ljke "was i tbe only one that thought this???" And i mean i think it was i dont remember anyone sayin this other than the preschool kids. Another thing tho, i rmemeber at age 5 or 6 i was old enough to not use a booster seat in tbe car anymore and the day i turned that age i wanted to get rid of it because in my mind i was TOO old for it as soon as i could not have it. Even though later on via tht PSA tht were disney cinderella themed about booster seats said all kids need a booster seat til theyre 4'9" to stay safe but i always ignored that shit and so did my and probbably other parents cuz the kids wouldnt wanna go back into a booster seat and feel even younger and thus less independent or whatever. But the thing is, i watched shit like spongebob a lot after the preschool shows even though IT was on the same channel as all the nick jr shows but thing is that was separated in its own block, so i could better separate it from the rest of the programming on the network. To this day it always feels weird when ppl say blues clues n dora are "Nickelodeon" shows and not Nick Jr shows to me its like saying full house and george lopez and glenn martin dds are nickelodeon shows ykwis.

Anyways im sad that i set up this arbitrary age limit for myself for watching shows i deemed "preschool" shows, whether it be because o shit the preschool peeps told me or becuase the car seat age or both (probly both some way) but i was sad to not have actually enjoyed those shows a little longer amd kinda just convinced myself to hate relatively kinda early on or at least it seems earlier than other peeps ive heard from, but this goes ESPECIALLY so for arthur becuas that show was p good and had a lot of messages for older kids. But if there was a separate NAMED block on the channel specifically for shit like sesame street and caillou and teletubbies then i think i would not have necessarily considered pbs kids a preschool network because thats not rlly what it was, just what i had known it for. If they followed nickelodeons steps w the nick jr shit then i couldve watched it longer but also i shouldna been believein such silly shit about age limits to watch thems kids shows in the first place.

So yeah this synth instrument always just feels like arthur to me and hard to think of it as anything else sometimes because thats where i first heard it and for a long long time never really heard it anywhere else. So i didnt feel this scene was very homoerotic like RIGHT off the top of my head, i mean i did get that feelin but not immediately. I guess when i saw it i was just like oh thats nice moment and kinda innocent and friendly, like a preschool show is.

the 4kids dub for one piece is a mess for a number of reasons but literally what the fuck was this music they added in here

[wonryllis]

so done with the world. TwT i just healed myself from depression and another case appeared. theres this casey girl who used to like me and she knew i was straight and i didnt like anyone at the moment so she asked her friend, tina for advice and tina suggested she disguised it as a dare in case she get rejected. an casey did the dare and i thought she was doing it for fun since im the joke idk why. and i rejected her and im sure i did the right thing cuz im also human and have my own feelings. casey was head over heels yada yada but sad and yada yada since she got rejected and yap to tina 24/7. tina came to me and blamed me indirectly (shes so good at blaming ppl in a 'nice' way idk how she do that) she said she had to stop casey from doing things to herself and said i was totally blind and took her bestie's side since ofc she only listened to one side and yeah now im the bad guy. i feel like im in the wrong universe lol. i've never clicked w anyone and never had friends who r like rlly genuine ykyk. im so desperate to feel like a person, wanted for once that im doing stupid things now. idk why i keep pleasing ppl when they just knock when they need sth. now im on the edge of the cliff. again. - 🦖

the most important and first thing is that it's not your fault at all. second, wow these two got some shameless guts to guilt trip you like you got no control over casey's feelings for you and it is completely valid for you to think of your own feelings before anyone else? like wtf those two think they are? please separate yourself from them stay tf away from bullshit people like that blaming their own problems on you. do not let people who won't do you any good and rather just put you down have any influence in your life, it is very very important to learn and accept that. not everyone is going to like you and more often than not you will find people who don't like you than people who like you, you gotta learn to recognize them and distance yourself. the good and right people are rare but it isn't impossible to find them. you need to know your own worth and stop entertaining people who only wish to use you. ofcourse it doesn't happen overnight but you need to have that determination to make that happen slowly overtime. if you don't you'll keep encountering situations like these. the control you do have in these kind of situations is how you let it affect you, you can't keep giving such people the power to bring you down, know that you're better than them. genuine friends come really rarely ik but pls don't lose hope (⁠っ⁠˘⁠з⁠(⁠˘⁠⌣⁠˘⁠ ⁠) when you know your own worth you will automatically only associate yourself closely with people who are as good as you. 🫂🫂 it is valid for you to feel bad right now though do not bottle up these emotions but also do not think the fault is within you.

[mosviqu]

idk how they are not embarrassed or how did they think that that's a normal thing to do🥸 WE CAN BURN SM TOGETHER THATS FOR SURE!!!

ahhh i agree i hope they realize soon that noise music is not really the way for every band😟 OOO IM GLAD U ENJOYED THEM!!!! yessss 3 I WAS SO HAPPY TO SEE THEM!!!! but im struggling so hard with recognizing them😭

WELL IF I WASNT LIED TO THEN YES SHE DID THAT!!!! UR REACTION😭THATS KIND OF FUNNY MY NGL

istg i started to associate u with him cuz of ur profile pic that u had it was such a nice pic!!! WELL I GUESS THAT BETTER THAN NOTHING (i feel like this sounds rude but i do not mean it in a rude way so i hope it doesn't come off that way) BUT I CANT BELIEVE EVERYBODY OTHER THAN TREASURE BASICALLY WAS DOING THAT CHALLENGE JUST SMH

aaaa i wish i could have other accents💔💔💔 i just have one general one and it just doesn't change so💔💔💔 lmao thats relatable but for me it never stays in my mind when i try to do a british accent i'm saying it loudly wrongly and proudly 😌🤞 (liebestraum anon💓)

LIKE they woke up and were like hm. lets send a truck to hybe. TO BOYCOTT ALL THE HARD WORK OUR FAVS DID WHEN LEARNING THE DANCE. sigh. anyways!

okay update since the boys debuted- i only vibed with the title track (?) so its a 😔 for me. but i adOOORED that song its such a feel good song and their concept is so cute i love it but i dont see myself listening to the other two songs....😔😔😔 mourning the 03 liners very deeply rn 💔 BUT BUT BUT you know what i remembered the other day ??? LIKE I LEGIT WANTED TO MESSAHE U ABT THIS but basically i got reminded of p1harmony's existence again, right, (bc i forget abt groups when i am not hyperfixated on them lol) AND I REMEMBERED INTAK IS A 03 LINER so. our crew so far consists of doyoung, seunghan, intak aNd us two. (Also im pretty sure minjae from mcnd is a 03 liner too bc i had a mental breakdown over that too when i was getting into them like 2 years ago 👀)

I HAD NO IDEA THAT HAPPENED LMAOOO THANKU FOR TELLING ME I FEEL LIKE THIS IS AN IMPORTANT INFO 😭😭😭😭 has the same energy as keeho having a stan account before being an idol LMAOO.

i was NOT a wilbur fan when hearing that song let me tell u it was on the speakers every other day i was so annoyed

im gonna cry thAT pic was so adorable wasnt it 🥺🥺🥺 like he may be 4 years older than me but i go all protective over dino like anyone dare to hurt him and i will SWING like i know how to fight. try me. TRY ME. also u never sound rude omg stop worrying abt that 😭💕 and LITERALLY i also dont get it like they arw the biggest svt fanboys and THEY DIDNT DO THE CHALLENGE ?? 😭

no bc my accent changes depending on the amount of english i speak out loud too like the less often i speak it the more slovak i sound 🤡 i dont have eng classes anymore so the only opportunity i have to speak eng is when im sending voice memos to my peruvian bestie and like the other day i listened back to it and i cringed so hard bc my english really got rUSTY 😭😭😭 i should like record vlogs so i dont lose my accent or something idk. also SPEAK THAT BRITISH ACCENT LOUD AND PROUD. show them what the uk youtube scene did to us.

[tears-of-boredom]

tumblr is lagging in a weird way so i dont know if this is gonna post but

what if I killed myself huh, would that give a chance at the life ive always wanted. i dont even really want to kill myself right now, sometimes specific words just sound right when out together. also earlier i was repeating "she needs to sort out her priorities" in my head because that is the equivalent of vocal stimming to my quiet ass. also yeah im kinda sad about the vibe ive created in my mind around harry potter. its this non-existant thing but still i get like really wishful and sad whenever I think about harry potter. and by "non-existant" i mean that the vibe was completely created by ATYD and is associated in my brain with the whole hp world forever now. and its kinda awful. but also I shouldnt beat myself up over this. because im pretty sure the only reason the vibe stuck so hard is because when i was in one of my earliest depressive episodes, imagining conjuring flowers for myself was how i spent many sleepless nights. but also I'm pretty sure my mom isnt aware of what kind of person jk is, and its really awkward cause we have like two hp mugs and I wanna throw them out but then she said that if I dont wanna use them, she could put them in between the window panes. as decorations. which is even worse. it would be better if the reason we have them still is "we use them to drink stuff.". but I was really fucking tired when she said that and i didnt wanna get into conflict. anyways what the fuck was I talking about im so sorry. guess ive just been dealing with the guilt of still wanting to enjoy the idea of harry potter that i have in my head. and the fics. which admittedly suck a lot of the time. honestly like if you write hp fics just dont mention the differing dorms its really fucking weird, dont keep that weird sexist shit in. I mean, thats assuming that you don't like jk. cuz if you did you'd probably like the sexist shit. you'd probably like how every single fic has at least one "group of giggling girls". anyways yeah i dont really hate myself today, i just think my hormones are a bit rowdy. so i just feel shitty for no reason. its honestly the worst when you cant even pinpoint why in the fuck you feel shitty. anyways im gonna listen to music now because i have not done that in a long fucking while. seriously, i have not had the need to leave the house for so long that id take my earbuds, and otherwise ive been tiring myself out playing on the ps4 so ive not even realised its a thing i can do.

oh cool you can add the read more thing on mobile now.

[xelsjournal]

december 11 2022 2:12 pm

i think i got it backwards again. like for a while i was laying around like hmmm how to i attract change cuz i feel happy quite frequently and in general am content but im a bit bored. so i decided to switch up everything, my routine, my habits, my intentions, my affirmations, my mindset and see where that would take me. at the very least i can enjoy the voyage and all the newness. and for a while, i had a blast, lots changed, very interesting times, lots of ups and downs. and ive come back to a place of like stability and contentment, but also boredom again and like a looming concern of stagnancy. like im at a start of a long journey and im making my slow and steady progress but im like antsy. but i know that im at the beginning of something in one part of my life and the end of a cycle in another part of my life. i can feel the the dissonance in my joints and i feel restless. i want to rush to somewhere and get there fast, but i know thats not the right way and frankly i cant speed up the pacing of this voyage. i think i just revealed to myself that i need to exercise to relieve the sensation of wanting to expell energy but needing to redirect it. but thats not what this journal was about. anyways back to the topic of change and happiness, i asked myself again recently if i was happy and i said hmmm not really. im not sad, nothings wrongs but im just kinda going about my business, living life. it felt like i was waiting to be happy, like waiting for something to be happy about, for something outside of my to come along and set off a chain reaction that would bring me the ultimate wish fulfillment. so i went all grind mode, gotta-change-up-my-path-so-i-can-change-up-my-life, and i put my happiness somewhere else, somewhere ahead of me in some distant land. and i left and i lived. and i had a fucking blast lmaooo i put my joy in all those exhilarating moments, in those inconveniences, in that sensation of newness. i had been so anticipating it and finally making it happen and deciding to experience it fully and openly, and then having it all play out in such a fun way, so to have it come to what felt like such an abrupt stop and redirection was kind of jarring. i was still committed to enjoying myself until i could get back to somewhere else but then it continued. and continued. and continued some more. and the longer i spend here (realistically im being v dramstic cuz its mostly been these past few days), the more im wondering when tf im gonna go again lmao. cuz like the people im round rn arent making me happy or bringing me peace. if anything 80% of the time theyre feeding my own anger and discontentment. for a while i didnt notice it but since i noticed it like two days ago, every interaction is becoming an obstacle course as i dodge hooks into aggravating conversations or implicit requests for verbal drama dumps. and it has me thinking,,,, do i even wanna be here around these people!?! i think not! cuz why my day gotta be ruined just cuz urs is? but also at the same time im literally here and i cant escape that reality. so do i wait to be happy again? and i kinda subconsciously determined i would have to wait for another voyage to get my happiness back. but i came across a post a few minutes ago that said something about having “to find happiness in the little things all around you” and that had me pause bc damn yeah my life doesnt have to be bleak “until” anything. theres so many things i enjoy, my own company at the top of the list, theres just no reason my happiness needs to only look like one thing of be associated to one thing. i can find my happiness in this very moment. then it had me remembering the law of attraction and how this is kind of a good hack. if i want to be happy and living in excitement, i need to start doing so now. me being happy and exhilarated attracts. more and more opportunities for it to me, so it can open the doors to the joy im seeking by experiencing it in the now. this us a word salad and idc.

[twipsai]

^this is me when someone respectfully disagrees with me btw

ANYWAYS! pls dont take this as me arguing in a mean way or anything, i love Sonic a lot!!! and i like talking about it and i think you bring up a lot of interesting points!!!! so im gonna go over it all in maybe a not super cohesive way???

i wanna start by acknowledging what you said at the start, "the wording of the second bolded point echoes IDW Sonic's wording of his principles in IDW #2 that Amy swoons over" and clarifying that i was referencing It Doesn't Matter from sa1 and sa2,,, (the full lyric is "Don't ask me why; I don't need a reason / I got my way, my own way!), and the reason why i alluded to it is because i was trying to make that connection that Sonic still has the same basic principals that he did during the adventure era, but i guess i wasnt clear enough oops ^^; i honestly completely forgot that theres a reference to that lyric in idw #2 but,, uh, happy accident i guess?

ok now onto my actual thoughts

i actually wanna agree with you on that first part, cuz as i think about it its something that makes a lot of sense and i havent really been able to fully wrap my head around it -- Sonic being reactive to whats in front of him is exactly how he is!!! idk how i didnt realize that before lol

as to what you said to my first point, i think that theres a level of dissonance between the games and comics with the threats theyre dealing with, and it kinda prevents me from explaining myself with examples. this MIGHT be a reach!!!! im sorry if it is BUT im gonna compare satbk and frontiers for a sec, since we're talking about satbk a lot here (as we should. its such a good game)

(and im not sure if youre lumping in Sonic in IDW with Sonic in Frontiers? a lot of people do but. idk maybe you dont lol. for the purposes of my point i will)

i think that there are parallels to be drawn between how Sonic treats Merlina and Sage, vs how he treats King Arthur and The End. he has a lot of patience for Merlina and Sage as he realizes theres a lot more to them besides just wanting to kill him, but he'll still take what they throw at him like he takes anything else. then you compare that to Arthur and The End, and Sonic is like. ready to destroy those guys. and i think that, while Sonic is first and foremost just living in the moment and reacting to what people throw at him, i also think that theres a huge difference between when Sonic is fighting a person and when Sonic is fighting a powerful entity. granted, he didnt know that King Arthur was an illusion, but he did know he was an immortal tyrant associated with hell. i mean. the underworld

i would love to use an example from the comics showing how he does treat similar scaled threats the same way but i. cant! because he doesnt face threats like that in IDW! hes dealing with things like "the dragon is back" and "that girl has psychological issues". the only thing that comes close to the world-ending threat that we see in the games is the metal virus, and it was both a lot more complicated than typical "defeat the bad guy, save the world" that we see in the games. now, that does NOT mean i dont think the games have complex stories but if i delved into every situation Sonic has been put in then we would be here for so long. and i dont wanna do that. so yeag.

basically to sum up my points above, im saying that the reason IDW Sonic has been pretty lax with his enemies, and even tries to help some of them, is because theyre not really the same level of threats as most of the villains he faces in the games. he can deal with them fine without ending them outright, so he doesnt really have an issue with letting them live. hes just kind of easy-going and chill like that. at least thats how i see it, maybe im missing something?

also, to your point that "Sonic doesnt fight for freedom, he fights against oppression" i just. do not agree lol. i mean, hes been associated with the Freedom Fighters since 1993, but theres also some more direct reference to it in reference to specifically Sonic

the Sonic Adventure Stylebook, page 9 (translated) - "He loves freedom and hates crookedness. He is impulsive and short-tempered, but also has a kindness that can't be ignored when someone is in trouble."

Sonic the Hedgehog Encyclo-speed-ia, page 13 - "Sonic is usually laid back and cool, but he's driven to fight injustice - not in the name of the law, but for the ideal of freedom."

and then i WAS going to add more examples, but the wayback machine is down right now so. can i just say source: trust me? sorry i wish i could add more examples :( i dont wanna dwell on this "for freedom or against oppression" point too much though, cuz i honestly think its just kinda arguing semantics. as well as the fact that i feel like both things are true, i just kinda didnt phrase it well in my original post

um. and now i kinda wanna go completely off the rails so please be nice to me but im gonna say something that may be controversial,,, i am of the mind that, because IDW is canon material, then it shouldnt be seen as a different character than how Sonic was written in some earlier games, even if it seems like it. because its just as much as source material as anything else! i really just think that most "out of character" things are more akin to different facets of a character. i think that writing off all of Sonic in IDW because some things he does contradicts what he does in the games is just kinda. idk. i dont like how quick people are to do that. i mean like, i got into Sonic because of IDW, and then i went and played the games and it never really felt any different to me -- just Sonic responding different to different situations. maybe i need to do another read through of IDW! but i really dont think that writing off an entire canon comic series is a good thing to do when looking at the facets of a character's personality. that could just be me

anyways ummmmm yeah i dont really have anything else to say? i dont disagree with everything you said, but there are some things that i dont think are quite right,,, hopefully this all makes more sense than my original post cuz i dont think i did a good job articulating my points

um. idk what else to add. bye bye i hope you at least liked my drawing of a super sad alien

"sonic just wants to be best friends with his enemies"

WRONG thats only in the idw comics. extremely loud incorrect buzzer.

[taketheringtolohac]

for the character meme, winnie and/or leach!

Winnie Hess

favorite thing about them doesn't care about her stars! genuinely! she is just trying to get through this and yeah shes the best but she just didnt know how to cope any other way so she <3 partied

least favorite thing about them OTHER people ONLY care about her stars. she does not know how to deal with this and its really frustrating

favorite line do yall remember when winnie pitched a perfect game in the internet series finals bc i do

brOTP pdz and winnie... they have had a complicated relationship but ultimately they think of each other as sisters

OTP helga and winnie are butch4butch and fat and in love

nOTP she fucking hates tillman cuz he was the worst to her back in baltimore as the only pitcher he was technically better than her. now look whos laughing asshole.

random headcanon she always cooks big team meals right before important games and before the season starts with izzie

unpopular opinion hey guys hear me out what if winnie hess was human and also a fat brown butch lesbian haha what if-

song i associate with them dumb blonde by dolly parton

favorite picture of them not 2 be full of myself but the normal au winnie art that caz drew is so <333

Leach Ingram

favorite thing about them i just really love dirtbags ok and leach is THE dirtbag

least favorite thing about them absolutely refuses to let people know she cares. what the fuck is up with that.

favorite line leach comes back from elsewhere and scores the game winning homerun. thats my fucking girl

brOTP i know i just talk in circles but literally hewitt and leach. they care about each other so much but would never call each other friends

OTP Leacheddie. they are immutable.

nOTP quite literally anyone else lmfao

random headcanon she has a radio show at 4 am where she just talks about whatever she wants and it is almost always something that should probably not be said about blaseball, herself, the team, literally anything and she is just. kind of unhinged during it. its only once a week but people who listen listen religiously.

unpopular opinion i still think leach pitching is better for the team. also i wish she never got that fire eating jersey lol

song i associate with them i actually have a leach ingram playlist. but sk8r boi by avril lavigne.

favorite picture of them AH the one by numbers i mean there are so many but the purple one lives in my head rent free

send me a character and i’ll answer these things about them!

[springfieldblues]

my long ass review for S32E03 Now Museum, Now You Don’t

warning: LONG because i rambled about history more than i thought i would

id been looking forward to this one because i like art history, especially after seeing how they tried their best to stick to historical accuracy in the previous episode I, Carumbus. this time however….they didnt try that hard. i dont know why i thought theyd go through that sort of trouble again LMAO

but its okay, i dont really expect the simpsons to be the paragon of historical accuracy or anything. especially in anthology episodes told through a particular character's lens (in this case, lisa, whos already feverish so whatever)

first i just wanna say that this is, i guess, less of a review and more of an accidental list of history fun facts. so im just gonna get my general thoughts out of the way first.

the episode was fun! to me at least haha. i mean it got me to think and do a lot of research on my own so that must count for something. besides a couple of really weird ones, the jokes were good. anthology episodes tend to be….not that good but i thought this one was one of the better ones so far. idk.

anyway on to lisanardo da vinky its the renaissance! jesus christ the italian accents in the beginning of this segment were annoying as hell but i also feel like that was the joke lmao. ill be real i kind of tuned out for a second there when grampa started rambling so idk what he said.

i told myself i wouldnt get nitpicky with historical accuracy if the jokes were funny (final edit: so that was a lie) but this meh bit with the pizza guys and mascots was really not worth ignoring the fact that its impossible for italy to have any tomato-based food in the 15th century (tomatoes were brought to europe from the americas in the 16th century, and pizza as we know it today—flatbread, cheese, tomato—originated in the late 18th century)

oh this next part was kind of legit tho. lisanardo, like the real leonardo, became andrea del verrochio's apprentice at his workshop. i loved this next bit:

"Whoever paints the sweetest cherub will have the honor of having MY name signed on their work. That's what great artists do!"

SO YEAH as it turns out, lisanardo painted the sweetest cherubs. the painting here is called The Baptism of Christ, and the real leonardo assisted verrochio in finishing it. specifically, he painted the cherubs in the corner.

this causes verrochio to quit and go someplace with less talented people: a music school (yes, verrochio did quit painting after getting owned by young leo and his mad angel painting skills. he never did anything with music tho, he was more of a sculptor)

alongside lisanardo, in mr largo-verrochio's workshop we have barticelli (botticelli bart), dolphatello (donatello dolph), ralphael (raphael...ralph) and mediocrito (no one that i know of. sorry milhouse) (and kearney i guess but they dont refer to him by name). botticelli and donatello are said to have also been apprentices at verrochio's workshop, but raphael came a couple of decades later so he couldnt have been there. and donatello was too old so that claim is a bit questionable. but anyway

it IS true that leonardo's peers envied him, to the point where he was anonymously and purposefully accused of being gay (a major crime punishable by death in 15th century florence) while he was still working at verrochio's workshop

we are then treated by what im pretty sure is the fourth time the show has used 'at seventeen' by janis ian, this time sung by a dejected lisanardo (man they really do keep making yeardley sing these days huh) who only wishes to be appreciated and not envied.

"I'll show them all! I'll show them all in a secret diary that no one will decipher for 400 years!"

some of lisanardo's future inventions. who wouldve known

so after barticelli, for some reason (revenge??? or something?? what was his plan here idgi) steals lisanardo's diaries full of blueprints of her inventions and takes them to mr burns who i have to assume is pope alexander VI here, they decide to use her inventions for war.

"With these, we can kill the most evil people in the world!! ....Slightly different Christians."

leo actually did this of his own accord. im surprised this is what they decided to do with lisanardo instead of talking about leo's love of nature and vegetarianism (not a single mention of that in this episode? come on...) then again, trying to do good only to end up indirectly making things worse is a very standard lisa storyline. i guess they didnt want to miss the chance to have evil pope burns (very fitting, especially for that era since they were all about money and controlling the people)

so lisanardo decides to leave for france, unlike the real leonardo who was more or less persuaded by his ultimate fanboy king francis I to move to france.

"Lisanardo, I have many questions. Why are you hitting yourself? A nerd says 'what'? And how is it possible that I am rubber and you are glue? Et cetera, et cetera."

that line may seem a little random, like hes just nelson saying nelson things (and i mean, obviously he is) but the real francis also "had an unquenchable thirst for learning, and Leonardo was the world’s best source of experimental knowledge. He could teach the king about almost any subject there was to know, from how the eye works to why the moon shines." so yeah, he did have many questions and lisanardo, finally being appreciated for her intellect, was happy to answer them all. its very interesting how lisa assigned this role to nelson in her retelling of da vinci’s life :^)

and so she lived the rest of her days in france, nat king cole's 'mona lisa' plays because duh, and they make a da vinci code reference because duh. and the segment ends. and not a single time did they show the actual mona lisa painting. the fuck?

(ngl i was fully expecting bart to say 'leonardo da vinky' for a second here)

so this next segment is about french impressionist painters, most likely the batignolles group, a name adopted by the early representatives of impressionism. its much more vague than the lisanardo segment since no one here is referred to by name (except moe, more on him in a sec) but i dont feel like it really matters in this case. bart is prrrrooobably claude monet but its hard to say, this segment is kind of a mish-mash of a lot of things. also i gotta say i really liked how lisa introduced the story to bart with an 'if you hate the formal study of art' and not 'if you hate art' because thats exactly my headcanon. i LOVE the concept of artist bart and whenever its referenced it just makes perfect sense to me.

anyway the segment opens in 1863 at the école des beaux-arts (back then it was actually known as the académie des beaux-arts), preserver of traditional french art styles. skinner reviews his students’ paintings one by one. praises the plain, unimaginative paintings depicting your typical european countryside landscapes. very run-of-the-mill (haha get it...cuz theres….a windmill) (although the real académie didnt approve of such basic stuff, they wanted artists to draw epic historical and mythological scenes) then he gets to barts painting and he gives him an F- because the painting made him think.

(the paintings in this scene arent real famous paintings as far as i know but they are inspired by real paintings enough to get the point across)

in comes barney dressed as bacchus as a model for the students to sketch, which i just loved:

barney: “You prefer robe open or robe off?” skinner: “Just cover your privates with this walnut shell.” barney: “Whoa!!! So roomy!”

skinner gasps in horror at bart’s sketch, which “looks nothing like him” and bart explains that “it shouldn’t; we’re making the art that we feel because we can’t compete with a camera.” damn, you go bart. take that, realism. draw what you feel!!

(also no, you didnt need to hold still for 17 hours for a daguerreotype. 30 min tops.)

nelson haw-haw of the week: FOIE-gras!

so here they are at the moulin rouge (“enjoy it before baz luhrmann ruins it” hey shut up. i love that movie), which wouldnt be built for another 26 years, but it is the most widely known gathering place for bohemians in the public consciousness so i can understand why they went with the moulin. nelson delivers this anachronistic line:

“This époque keeps getting beller and beller!”

which alludes to la belle époque, the golden age of france usually dated from 1880 to 1914. made me snort so ill let that slide

and heres moe! as henri de toulouse-lautrec, who was actually born a year after the year this segment is set in. yo moe szyslak he was just 1

toulouse-moetrec introduces himself as the chronicler of the demimonde (not an actual job). an iconic figure associated with the moulin rouge (largely due to his affinity for alcohol and prostitutes), toulouse-lautrec was also a painter, having illustrated a series of posters for the moulin himself. he simply had to be in this segment, anachronisms be damned, just because they decided to include the moulin. cant have one without the other.

and yes he did have a walking cane where he kept his liquor.

i love how everyone drinks absinthe in this place. theyre bohemians what else would they drink

toulouse-moetrec points out that barts paintings are the greatest thing hes ever seen (and hes seen like five things!) and that hes a genius. milhouse realizes that they should stop doing what the teacher says and use their own minds to instead...start doing what bart says lmao. to the easels!

next we have skinner hyping up chalmers about the art his students made for the salon de paris, an art exhibition that the emperor of france will attend. he assures him that none of these paintings will encourage debate, provoke thought or be out of place at a dentist’s office. when they unveil the art, theyre both SHOCKED at how scandalous the paintings actually are.

this reaction was kind of accurate. impressionism was severely rejected at the salon de paris, due to paintings not looking finished enough to them, they thought they were ugly and vulgar for depicting nudity in a contemporary setting (historical and mythological nudity was fine). these impressionist paintings were sent to the salon de refusés, which is. yeah. the place where they sent the rejects. the salon de refusés does not make an appearance but this scene makes a reference to it when the artists get expelled from the royal salon. also:

“What about our student loans?” “Oh they’ll be refunded. We are not barbarians, I mean, come on.”

(god if only)

so the painters are down because they want the emperor to actually see their paintings. toulouse-moetrec pipes in once again with an idea.

“There is one thing the emperor loves more than anything.” “France?” “No, he hates France.”

apparently the emperor really loves cheese, which makes sense since its napoleon III (who loved cheese) and homer (who loves cheese.) so the painters roll into the salon inside a giant wheel of cheese (obviously.) as lenny said, “Eh, you know French cheese. Very runny.” napoleon III chases after the wheel into a room, where the wheel falls apart after getting chomped on by the emperor. now that they got his attention, the painters proudly show the emperor their impressionist art, which he couldnt be more indifferent about because he just wants to eat his cheese dammit, and he awards them with the royal medallion just to kind of get them out of his way. skinner immediately starts kissing ass (as he does) until marge’s like ‘hey wait a minute. you expelled these students from the royal salon’ and an executioner immediately starts ominously measuring skinners neck.

“Uh, sir...is your tongue sticking out because you’re dead or because you’re mad at me?”

and thats the end of that lmao (gore in this episode, gore in the last episode, and next week we’re getting gore too cuz its THOH, what the hell is goin on)

we get a short intermission with maggie, who wants a story for her too! lisa tells her that renaissance artists loved to put babies in their paintings, especially baby angels.

here she is showing her The Triumph Of Galatea by raphael:

King David Playing The Harp by peter paul reubens:

and a very simplified version of pretty much any depiction of hell by hyeronimus bosch lmao:

not much else to say about this one, really. but i really liked that sky!

the last segment is about frida kahlo and diego rivera. or as bart puts it ‘the one about a fat guy whos wife is too good for him.’ i was REALLY looking forward to this one because i love frida and i thought itd be a cool opportunity for animators to go bonkers and do really cool shit with her art as inspiration…..but the segment is not about frida, its about diego and his selling out to capitalism. and its also yet another story with homer and marge drama. no funky cool animation here. sigh i guess i’ll take it

the story begins in 1929 at la casa azul, frida’s home (now museum dedicated to her life and work.) frida and diego are getting married. this courtyard definitely did not look this way yet back in 1929. also theres something very cringy yet funny about lovejoy saying spanish words the way he does, i honestly cant decide how i feel about that one

the writers know theyre being cringy with their gringoness so they go along with it.

moe: “Spanish for ‘best wishes’!” mel: “Spanish for ‘congratulations’!” bumblebee man: “Spanish for ‘muy bueno’!”

OH YEAH BUMBLEBEE MAN this is his new voice actor, eric lopez! hes not mexican but its still great to finally have a latino actor voicing a latino character and hes very excited to be part of the show so i hope to hear more of him!! im rooting for him

el barto/zorro makes an appearance which i am very confused about. he has jack shit to do with frida and diego and mexico in the 20s-30s. el zorro was set in the spanish california of the early 19th century. their use of the original theme song makes me think they just wanted to flex their disney privileges tbh

lets not talk about that that whole scene was bad

anyway diego announces he and frida are going to new york, without even asking her first. frida is obviously pissed.

“Don’t worry, as a woman, you’ll be treated with much more respect in America.”

so in new york, diego is having a bit of a business meeting with mr burns as one of the members of the rockefellers, who is commissioning him to draw a mural for the rockefeller center. its kinda funny how he refers to him and frida as socialists even though they were very much communists lmao its okay you can say it. ok so far, but then frida says ‘yes, we hate the capitalists! right now, a young socialist is being born who will take them down! mr. bernie sanders. i hope hes quick about it’ and that was a simple enough joke and couldve been left at that but then its immediately followed by this weird as fuck family guy-esque cutaway gag to bernie as a baby:

“Getting a cootie shot should not cost your lunch money. And if you don’t listen to me, listen to the Bernie Babies! What? Everybody’s got goons.” *larger babies start beating up this other baby* “I disavow that, and welcome it.”

this confused me so much that i had to ask one of my american friends to help me understand, but even she was like ‘uhhh yeah thats a weird joke,’ especially now that hes been out of the race for months (then again these episodes take almost a year to produce. i guess they couldnt be bothered to replace it with something more relevant.) whatever that was weird and confusing and unfunny moving on

frida is pretty irked that diego is going through with this deal. after all, it goes against everything they believe in. im not sure how the real frida felt about diego doing the mural, but she did feel a bit of rage during her visit to the united states, especially the obvious disparity between rich and poor. she hated having to interact with capitalists and found americans very boring. in this segment, frida seems to be acting more like the american communist party, which diego got kicked out of for accepting commissions from wealthy patrons. in any case, frida is pretty upset about this whole thing.

and finally we get the first and only kind of surreal frida moment. kinda. maybe. its more cartoonish than anything but im desperate ok

interesting how they felt like they had to add a “don’t smoke” in big letters after showing patty and selma flying away on their giant cigarettes. i wonder if this is something theyre making them do now? i remember hearing something about them toning down patty and selma’s smoking

diego comes home to frida, drunk as hell, followed by the marx brothers. i cant believe they didnt make a marxism joke come on it was RIGHT THERE. THE MARX BROTHERS. KARL MARX. COME ON

frida paints her feelings.

this makes diego realize that frida is a genius and he is not half the artist she is. he proclaims he will now show his awe of her by sleeping with other women, starting “an hour ago.” to which frida replies, “and i will start sleeping with other women, starting two hours ago.” yes this was pretty much their relationship. though im just wondering how the hell did diego not know frida was this kind of artist until now? i know homers an idiot but jeez. art was how frida and diego met, diego knew from the get-go that frida was an incredible artist. i guess the fame got to his head or something. again, homer just being stupid.

“well enough already, while the art is still deco, okay?”

its time for the mural diego painted, Man At The Crossroads, to be unveiled:

rockefeller examines it. good and great so far, and then...uh oh

“Who’s that fellow…? With the beard, and the bolshevik smile…” “That’s the founder of Soviet Russia, Lenin!”

“B-b-but he’s a communist!” “Oh he just attended a couple of meetings.”

rockefeller will not have this communist in the temple to capitalism that is the rockefeller center, so he orders diego to paint over it. diego stands his ground and refuses. despite rockefeller’s threats, diego says that theres only one person he wants to be proud of him no matter what and in true homer & marge fashion, frida is touched by this. they happily leave the rockefeller center.

now, the real story of Man At The Crossroads and the rockefeller center was actually not that different. as soon as the rockefellers found out diego had snuck in a portrait of lenin into the mural, they ordered him to paint over it, to which he refused. diego even offered to include abraham lincoln and even american abolitionists in the mural as a compromise, but the rockefellers simply did not want any references to communism whatsoever. they did not complain about the hammer and sickle, though. yes, they did know diego was a communist and hired him anyway. what did they expect? lmao. diego said:

"Rather than mutilate the conception [of the mural], I shall prefer the physical destruction of the conception in its entirety, but preserving, at least, its integrity."

so they decided to destroy the mural before it was even finished and they never talked to each other again.

diego then repainted the mural at the palacio de bellas artes back in mexico, this time known as Man, Controller of the Universe. this new version included even more communist leaders and a depiction of john d. rockefeller jr. drinking at a nightclub, right underneath a depiction of syphilis bacteria. cue nelson haw-haw:

this was the version they used in the episode also, since the original was, well, never finished and also destroyed. only a black and white photograph of it exists, taken by diego before it was destroyed so he could remake it.

right so, homer!diego then pulls a Barthood and finishes the episode with a large mural summarizing the entire episode. he says some rick and morty thing i didnt get because i dont watch the show idk idc

the end

ALRIGHT NOW ITS TIME FOR THE STORY OF VINCENT VAN MOE

[flowerslightning]

(Part 2) Cloud Strife and his Mental Illness

a.k.a Psychiatric Disorder

| 1. Memory | ⇦ Click if u havent read it yet

2. Hallucinations, Illusions and Delusions

Since these three things relate well with Cloud's troubled memories, I'll be talking about them first before jumping to his Confused Personality

This post will bore u a bit or maybe a lot 😂 it depends. If ure interested with psychiatric stuff, u'll find this enjoyable as much as i do

Disclaimer : I'm 21 and still a tiny meany student. During my intern at Psychiatric Department, I learned and witnessed psychiatric problems from real life patients. And since Cloud (my fav FF character) has psychiatric issues, I'll be sharing some of my knowledge and interpretation of Cloud's character. Im not diagnosing him, rather i'm giving my own opinion about his status

@nibelheiim created a post about dissociation, she explained about hallucination, PTSD and more. Come and check her out! Her words were more direct and easier to understand. She explained about Psychological matter and she's a real psychology student too!

While my explanation will be more focusing on Psychiatric Topic and words used will be more complicated (with grammar errors). My facts will be based on ICD 10 and DSM-IV

A lot of people were confused with these three terms - Hallucination Illusion Delusion - These terms associated with abnormalities of perception. It is important to understand that this abnormality holds two keys; ● 1. Perception is the process of becoming aware of what is presented through the sense organs. ● 2. Imagery is an experience originating within the mind that usually lacks the sense of reality that is part of perception.

Abnormalities of perceptions have 4 theme, but I'll be focusing on two major types that relate with Cloud: (i) Hallucinations ; (ii) Illusions. Some cases, perception can be normal in intensity and quality but has a changed meaning for the person who experiences it - it is called as Delusional Perception. It is not an abnormal of perceptions, rather it is a disorder of a person's thinking.

Try guessing, how many from these terms does Cloud has?

1. Hallucinations

- A perception experienced in the absence of external stimulus to the corresponding sense organ. Eg - patient hears a voice when no one is speaking within a hearing distance or patient sees something approaching him when visually no one is there. There are 2 qualities to determine a hallucination: ●it is experienced as a true perception●it seems to come from outside of the head●

The above gif, where Sephiroth suddenly appear again before Cloud's eyes even able to touch Aerith's shoulder, it illustrate perfectly the 'Visual Hallucination'. No one can see Sephiroth, other than Cloud himself.

Cloud [Remake] kinda had anxiety when he stared at the fire and later he saw Sephiroth surrounded with flames, then poof, that silver guy disappeared along with the images of fire. He said he was hallucinating stuff after the first bombing mission. Idk how Sephiroth could create fake images of fire around him, either Cloud was really hallucinating or it was really Sephiroth that came to see him. But, this is what we call as 'Visual and Auditory Hallucinations'. Cloud SAW Sephiroth and HEARD him talking when no one else did. I can also add in 'Tactile Hallucination' because he probably felt the burning sensation on his skin from the flame around him that caused him to feel hot and sweating, or probably it was his anxiety that caused him sweating upon meeting Sephiroth with the flashback of his burning hometown

Hallucinations can occur in all sensory modalities; visual, olfactory, auditory etc. In the Remake, the Whispers could only be seen by certain people. To those who couldnt see it, they would be puzzled what was happening to u, and would've thought that u were hallucinating something, like in the case of Aerith.

In Cloud's case, perhaps Cloud [In OG] had auditory hallucination due to his severe case of Mako Addiction. But then, that wasnt exactly a hallucination though, cuz the thing he said "'Coming.. They're coming" was actually true. A monster fell from the sky.

Other 'hallucinations' that Cloud had was the images of Sephiroth that appeared in certain headache. Cloud may claimed it was his hallucinations, but i've read it somewhere that says it was really Sephiroth appeared before his eyes. Sephiroth was messing with Cloud's mind, trying to break his mental in order to control him. However, IF IT WASNT SEPHIROTH that came, Cloud's 'hallucination' would be known as a mental disorder that may lead to severe case - eg Schizophrenia.

2. Illusions

An illusion is a misperception of an external stimulus. It often occur in several circumstances: (i)level of sensory stimulation reduced (ii)attention is not focused on the sensory modality (iii)level of consciousness reduced (iv)being in a state of intense emotion- fear.

Does Cloud has it? Urm, maybe? Well, it can be proven when he saw his 'noisy neighbour next door' as Sephiroth. As stated above, illusions occur in 4 conditions, and Cloud was in number (i) and (iv). When Tifa yelled him to stop, Cloud came back to reality and got really confused when the 'Sephiroth' that attacked him was actually a sick guy. We can also add in 'Hallucinations of Deep sensation' in this scenario bcause Cloud experienced the feelings of being pushed down by 'Sephiroth'.

However, we all know that 'Sephiroth' was real at that moment. For Cloud, he thought it was an illusion, but for us the audience, it was a real thing.

If u want a better explanation and example, try watching Joker the movie. The main theme of the movie was 'mental illness'. There are lots of scenes that shows different type of hallucinations, illusions and also personality disorder.

3. Delusions

a.k.a fixed false belief. A belief that is held firmly despite evidence contrary. A delusion is nearly always a false belief but not always so. There are around 11 types of delusions according to the book. Half of it may suggest Shcizophrenia. Schizophrenia is certainly not in Cloud's case. I've studied one by one the type of delusions and none of them match with Cloud FF7.

I will surely give anyone a good punch in the face if they dare to say Cloud suffers from Schizophrenia. I've met with bunch of patients having it, and the way they see this world is totally different from us.

In some other cases, eg a spiritualist convince a person to believe in his spiritualism and he present with contrary evidence to the non-believer. This non-delusional belief is called 'overvalued ideas'

Overvalued ideas is an isolated , preoccupying and strongly held belief that dominates a person's life and may affect his action. One of the easiest example i can come up with; a friend who had skin cancer may be convinced to her roomate that cancer is contagious, and her roomate suspects any abnormal skin conditions she has is an evidence to show she too, may have developed the same cancer, when the truth is, she's just completely fine.

It is very hard to distinguish between a delusion and overvalued ideas.

I had a patient, he was diagnosed with Schizophrenia. He looked like an ordinary man, but when he talked, it sounded so unreal. He said he had jumped off from 10th floor several times and didnt get a scratch from it. He believed he wont die bcause he had gained super power. He even convinced me to try his 'so-called-secret technique- on how to survive a jump. By doing that often, I will have a superpower like him - a strong physical body. Up until now, I still dont know if he was being deluded with his thought or he was overvalued his idea, bcause from his psychiatric record, he did try to jump off from the second floor of his apartment's balcony a few times.

So, Im not really sure of myself did Cloud [FF7] really had delusion or not. Well, he believed he made it to SOLDIER bcause he had mako eyes. But was it something we called as delusion or was he just overvaluing his idea? He didnt know the truth and his memory messed up. No one could explain to him why he had Mako eyes, except Prof Hojo and Zack who knew the truth

Besides, after Tifa helped with his memory, Cloud accepted the fact he wasnt in SOLDIER. For patient who deluded with their own thoughts, they hardly could believe what people told him.

However, surely Cloud [in AC] had delusions of guilt and worthlessness due to the fact that he believed he had done something shameful and sinful - the main trigger of this theme was, he got infected with Geostigma while he was searching a cure for Denzel. Cloud got depressed with the loss of Aerith and the memory of Zack death had returned, but I think he was recovering very well in that two years time skip. The moment he got Geostigma, he became deluded he was worthless and his depression kicked in again.

Hallucinations and Illusions are normal to be experienced by healthy people, but it wont be if u encounter too many hallucinations & illusions in 2 weeks time. Believe it or not, a lot of people around us are actually mentally ill bcause some of them may have excessive certain delusions, such as delusions of jealousy, grandiose delusions, nihilistic, paranoid etc. Although 'it is consider as normal' in a few circumstance, a few cases need to refer to psychologist and in severer cases, must refer to psychiatrist. If u follow Dr Phil's show, u'll see a bunch of patients have different kind of crazy delusions.

Overall from my statement above, I would conclude that since Sephiroth always appear before Cloud's eyes, this resulting Cloud to think he has both Hallucination and Illusion, when in fact, he's just a normal guy with amnesia and personality confusion. Cloud doesnt have Delusion like how many fans said, neither he has an overvalued idea, even with the evidence of Mako eyes supporting his reasoning + he's a great fighter. I will have to say that perhaps it is his brain defence mechanism that tricks his mind to believe he is a Soldier.

If only Sephiroth stop disturbing Cloud's life, it will be a lot faster to fix Cloud. Tifa alone will be the main strength to get Cloud back to normal. Ah, but this is the beauty of the game. Life wont be exciting without the presence of a beautiful villain and a love triangle (Tifa-Cloud-Sephiroth). Lol Technically I see them trying to fight for Cloud's mental health. Tifa wants to help Cloud with his mental status while Sephiroth is trying to destroy it. Lolololol

My crack theory : Sephiroth says he's going to take Cloud's most precious thing, and he ends up choosing to kill Aerith, but ofc there's another reason why Aerith got killed. But if Sephiroth kills Tifa first, I think he can take over Cloud's mind faster, because then, no one will be holding Cloud back. Honestly no one can ever will, not even Aerith. So does that mean Sephiroth doesnt know about Cloud's deepest secret or is Cloud just good at hiding his weakness?

I WILL UPDATE THE NEXT POST LATER because I've reached tumblr limit images agaiiin. The next part will be focusing about his personality - Personality Disorder

If there is any part that I've mistaken, pls correct me. I'm sorry for my english. English is not my native language, so there are plenty of grammar errors.

[jakeperalta]

Hi. So I noticed something interesting about Taylor's albums last night and kinda my ranking. So I knew Taylor since her debut album when I heard Teardrops but I didnt fully get into her until about when I was 12 and Fearless came out. Up until 1989, all the stuff she released was when I was in high school, and 1989 was released right after I graduated. This could be a reason why i dont usually listen to her old albums anymore and just pick my fav songs from the album..idk. The thing is, I always felt like I related to Taylor cuz she was the weird girl in high school outsider and she always wrote about boys and breakups, but as time went on..I couldnt really relate but I still had a crush I guess so kinda. But then she switched to pop, and the music was just vibes and kinda about her journey so I could relate it to her mostly, instead of myself..and I haven't liked anyone in forever. So 1989 was about finding herself..then Rep was about her reputation.. and Lover was also her and Joe. Then she released Folklore and I was hoping for stuff to relate to...Lover was a very hard sad period in my life but it made me feel better in a way..but now I hoped for stuff to relate to which is why I loved Taylor in the first place. Folklore wasnt that, but I still loved the stories and I guess creating my own to make it fit somewhat. However besides Evermore and Long Story Short, I cant do that at all with Evermore..and it's kinda back to breakup stuff that I dont relate to at all so idk. I guess the point is, I figured out why I dont really revisit her old music cuz it reminds me of specific times in my life..why I seemed to enjoy her pop albums more at the time..cuz i had nothing as difficult going on in my life..and why it took me so long to love Folklore. Evermore is complicated..I like it, but I guess it doesnt have a lot of favorites for me ..its easy to just play but I guess would have more skips or for a certain mood. It reminds me of Red in that way. It makes a lot more sense to me to skip sad songs than any of her pop stuff..so Rep has no skips for me lol but I guess that's just me. Now I'm kinda in this weird phase where I only like certain sad songs or I'm always looking for stuff that has meaning to me, but I also enjoy pop music I guess. Realizing this, now I dont really know what I would want next from Taylor..more pop or more songwriting..cuz I loved Folklore now but not Evermore as much. Some people say Evermore is poppier and she was able to combine pop with this kind of songwriting..but idk why cuz it's more country to me. I dont see how she could have this kinda lyrics or style if she ever went back to pop, cuz I kinda thought it was just cuz of the pandemic, but who knows.I guess I just want lyrics that are more relatable or can be about anything..not a fan of some specific lyrics unless it's a story. An example of this and music I like every song is Hayley William's newest album Flowers for Vases and anything by Best Coast and Soccer Mommy. This is an example of slow sad, alternative music I wanted or was expecting Folklore to be. Sorry this is so all over the place..I guess it's just my thoughts and how it changed over time, but also what her career will be like going forward but I'll always love her no matter what.

yeah i think it’s totally natural that we relate to music differently depending where we’re at in life and come to associate certain albums with specific time periods, whether positively or negatively. i feel similarly about 1989 and identifying it more with her. i think with more upbeat pop music we automatically focus less on the lyrics anyway and then i tend to associate the songs a lot more with her than identifying them with myself the way i do some of her stuff - for me that was a pretty bad time so i just sort of got absorbed into her whole story about like being in new york, finding herself etc. it’s nice to have more fun happy albums as a distraction in bad times but also nice to feel like she’s putting into words how you feel (which she does so well!). i think the style of writing in folklore and especially evermore doesn’t really do that in the same way as her earlier stuff. for me currently i guess i’m in more of a phase where i don’t feel the need to relate as much which is why i’m enjoying folklore and evermore a lot, but in the past and inevitably again in the future i’ll be listening to taylor really wanting to get that sort of connection from it and will probably end up going back to other albums (depending what it is i want to relate to).

it’s so hard to predict what she’ll do next! i do agree with you that evermore leans more country than pop and i can definitely see her doing more pop but i don’t know how that would necessarily mesh with this recent writing style, whereas country does probably work better because it’s more songwriting based. overall i’m always a fan of slower/more stripped back music from any artist (which is why for me rep has some songs i absolutely love but also more skips than others!) but at the same time it would be nice to get more upbeat stuff again!