#readmore cause i don’t wanna ramble at people

[phleb0tomist]

idk if anyone has mentioned this before, sorry if you have i’m a new follower & i’m in the UK so idk what it’s like in other countries, but can we talk abt how for intense chronic pain the first thing out of a health professionals mouth is “just take ibuprofen/ paracetamol” or “have you tried ibuprofen/paracetamol”? like, i’ll actually lose my mind if i have to hear that from a health professional again. i have trigeminal neuralgia & that makes it IMPOSSIBLE for any pain medication to work unless it effects the nerves or specifically targets that - otc pain killers & even high dosages of opioids or morphine do not even touch the severe unpredictable pain i have to experience multiple times on a daily basis (so if it doesn’t work & does bad, why take it, right?). & yet every single time i need emergency assistance or pain relief for this horrendous pain i get “have you taken or tried ibuprofen / paracetamol?” & they get a shitty attitude with me when i say “no, because it doesn’t work”.

they act like people with chronic pain haven’t tried it ?? like erm yeah, because if ibuprofen & paracetamol worked then i wouldn’t be in severe pain all day every day, wouldn’t have to take multiple nerve medications of high dosages at specific times & permanently have to damage the nerves in my face via surgery just to get the pain to stop. if ibuprofen & paracetamol worked then i’d actually be able to leave the house, talk to people, move my face & eat without triggering intense, random pain that can last for days 🥴 it’s become a running gag unfortunately between me & my other friend with chronic pain because we’ve been asked that so much. like do they think we refuse it to make their job harder or what ???!!

@ health professionals i’m sure that if someone can’t take ibuprofen or paracetamol or is adamant against taking it then it’s for a reason .. if it doesn’t work, if it causes an allergy, if it’s bad for their body, anything. I know they’re meant to ask but they get this attitude like we’re ignorant / haven’t exhausted all of our options, I mean you’d think they’d know that, right .. ??? But nope lol, ibuprofen & paracetamol. Thanks im cured! 🙄 (whew .. sorry to rant in your inbox omg i wrote a lot but this absolutely makes me furious, my eyes roll so far back into my skull i can see the back of my head when i hear this & from what ive heard from others with chronic pain, at least in the UK it’s very common too ??? 🙁) ahh however .. thank you so much for spreading awareness about chronic pain & conditions, especially in younger people. They wanna act so bad like we aren’t there but I’m so sure that tons of younger people have chronic pain or conditions but just haven’t been diagnosed yet imo !!! You’re doing gods work by talking abt stuff like this & i hope you have a lovely day !!!! 💗

IM SAYING!!! i’m also in the uk and i’ve dealt with this, so have some of my friends. im sorry you have too.

my take is below the readmore.

i think there are multiple reasons for this fixation on paracetamol/ibuprofen so im just gonna ramble my understanding of the situation. a couple decades ago the NHS went all out trying to reverse the overprescription crisis of drugs like opioids/sedatives by creating newly strict prescribing rules, particularly for young patients. this, on top of the increasing mismanagement & limitations in the providing of other NHS services, means that some doctors end up posing paracetamol as a cure-all even when other drugs or tests or physio are needed because they can’t really offer anything else. obviously there’s also patterns of health professionals minimising patients’ pain, reframing pain as a willpower or solely mental issue, and underestimating the damage that constant pain can do to someone’s body and psyche. also statistically, the pain levels of certain groups (people of colour, afabs, women, fat people, etc) are widely minimised by medical professionals. if they don’t believe your pain is real, they won’t wanna give you strong meds for it

also this is conjecture but i’ve gathered that a uk doctor’s record looks bad if they prescribe things to youths (regardless of need!!) and their record looks good if their patients can be ‘adequately treated’ with ibuprofen or para. more than one nhs doctor has implied to me that this is how their job works. i think it’s inexcusable that people’s pain is being dismissed but i can see why uk professionals end up with that mindset. a huge combo of factors made things this way. but sadly we as patients don’t know why we’re being brushed off, and the only explanation we can find is that our pain & our point of view are worthless. which is not cool lol

it’s so weird. like i’ve been on prescribed opioids for years because over the counter painkillers never worked on my body but professionals are STILL pushing them as if their only job is to cheerlead paracetamol. so I take para every day. but sometimes i take a break to see if it’s even doing anything and there’s zero difference. i’m only taking it because otherwise docs refuse tests and treatments. they will not test me for certain issues until i’ve demonstrated that i take paracetamol round the clock and it hasn’t helped. when i was a teen my family called 999 for me (my doc said to call an ambulance when i had the symptom i was having) but the operator didn’t want to send an ambulance until i’d taken paracetamol. HELLO? another flavour of this is that sometimes i’m vomiting so much for weeks on end that i can’t keep any pills down, and yet i get repeatedly and angrily asked “why haven’t you taken paracetamol?”... HELLO? i did take it but it came back up 40 times, along with all my other meds. idk what they want from me.

to the person who sent this ask and to anyone who relates, my heart is with you. it sucks so bad when no one will listen to your lived experiences. especialy when the cost is your health. pain relief for everyone!!! now!!

[wuffzilla]

I already disliked not putting my long ass Dream Posts under readmores, despite having a good reason, but was comforted knowing I tagged them so people could BLOCK EM.

But today I’ve been hit with the realization that blocking tags doesn’t affect the APP.

Meaning you swell peeps who follow me & use mobile have to scroll aaaaaallllllllll the way thru my rambling!

IM SO SORRY!!!!

I gotta find another solution, cause I just had to scroll thru a ridiculously LOOOOOOONG post & don’t wanna put others thru that kind of pain.

[yourtamaki]

I LOVE IT please T_T from what i know about zoro's past (i'm not even near catching up with the anime) he's always been alone. not in the physical sense because he lived with his sensei for, idk, 10 years? but the only person he seemed to have some kind of connection was kuina. then after he left the dojo until he met luffy, he was completely alone. he couldn't be vulnerable, he couldn't show any kind of weakness. and a romantic relationship is all about showing your most vulnerable sides to one another. and THAT'S why i like the way you write zoro. most people interpret his aloofness (and his whole character) as selfishness, but zoro…is not selfish?? ok he has this goal in his life that's only his, but he would literally DIE for his nakama. he's just extremely emotionally constipated. [ASCE]

EXACTLYYY YOURE SO RIGHT THATS WHAT I MEANT

he’s been alone for literally half his life until luffy found him. he had those two pirate hunter friends but they weren’t close enough for him to actually travel with so that’s just years and years of being on the road alone. so what happens when a man so embroiled in solitude has to open up in a way he’s never had to before? there’s no way any relationship he chooses to enter doesn’t come with a shit ton of obstacles of him and i just know he’d fucking shut down at some point and think what’s the point of burdening you with his lack of communication skills. his guilt would manifest in him pulling back even more and it would be the make it or break it point in your relationship. if you can stand firm and sit him down and tell him you want to work through this with him, you two are pretty solid from then on. but if you don’t and you give up on him well, he won’t blame you. no hard feelings. he’s been alone before and he can be alone again. or at least he’ll try to convince himself he can.

[sobredunia]

Hello internet, welcome to Gaym Theory

This is just like the GRIS ramble, and as the previous “proof that I’m not normal” post, I’ll put this under a readmore because by god is this long

I have a huge theory for halOPE just hear me out

Aight so the game consists of an emotionless angel walking around qUiRkY worlds but they’re actually deeply fucked up if you look between the lines

Actually, there’s no “between the lines” in the complex, every single layer in that blue square onion is fucked up

The first world is the orange/yellow one, a wheat field forest thingie

You meet a shy lesbian witch, a cool plague doctor lady, some old man, a mushroom girl, the ultimate clown boy, a wooden puppet girl...

Then, after a few fetch quests, you reach the blue door, which leads you to the blue world, the complex. This one is literally just capitalism without the money

All the residents in the complex are lost. They’re too afraid to get out, not knowing where to go, too scared to lose the little things they already have. Some of them got there with ambitions, wanting to fix up the place and whatnot, but slowly the energy leaves them and they can’t be bothered to do something about the ever-rotting building

Now, we’ve only gotten two worlds so far, and starbage has confirmed that that’s about half of the game (unless she* decides to add more content than she anticipated and now it’s just a small fraction of the full game) so we can expect another two, maybe tree worlds

*I am merely guessing on these pronouns, I have looked thru your carrd and all sites linked didn’t have them. babygrill what r ur pronouns please i dont wanna misgender u

Now, where am I going with this? It’s simple: HalOPE is a game about the five stages of grief

Just not in the way we think

The orange world is not denial, nor anger

It’s acceptance

In this world, the witch lesbian girl comes to terms with her feelings and confesses to the plague doctor lady. The puppet girl gets free of the strings that were dictating her every move and, although it feels weird to move without them, she has realised that they were bad for her, and finally breaks free. In this world, people are mostly nice to you, outside of some few slightly mean dialogues that end up getting replaced with happy stuff (except for the old man sucks to be him I guess)

The complex? Depression. Do I really have to explain it. The main color is fucking blue

At the end of the demo, we go through a green door wounded, and get treated by an old(?) lady we can’t see the face of

I still don’t fucking know what the fuck is bargain, or how it works and is supposed to be represented, but my theory is that we’ll be making a medicine for ourselves since we’re sick or whatever, and in the end we’ll have to choose wether we use it to cure ourselves or the old lady who took care of u, since she’s also sick or whatever

I still don’t think that’s what bargain is about, but we’ve only gotten one official scene in the demo and a couple of screenshots that don’t say much about the story in the dev blog other than we aren’t fucking dead I guess

Now, what role does the angel play in all of this? They’re an empty figure that lacks emotions and only listens. Obviously, they’re the one that has been traumatised enough to go through the five stages, but there’s something else

Why would the stages go backwards?

Sure, recovery isn’t linear and the stages are a rough graph. People can go from depression to anger to denial again to bargaining, but I highly doubt someone who has already reached acceptance would go back

Unless they want to see what has traumatised them in the first place? This doesn’t make much sense, I know, but forgetting traumatic events is a thing that can happen, and maybe they want to go back to see what caused it to go through the phrases properly, or finally put an end to that gut feeling that something is wrong

The angel is just a representation of the person. They don’t get swayed by the nature of the complex, or stay in the nice wheat world. They’re analytical, emotionless, made to stop the phases from hurting them as much as possible

It doesn’t really work

Sadness is a very powerful emotion

I’m not even gonna fucking touch the actual angel lore we’ve been given, nope, my braincells have worked enough for today. I’m just laying this around. This is just the game’s overall message thing whatever

Enjoy a wholeass bible on your funni angel game, @starbage​

[teruthecreator]

okay. thoughts on the grad finale

gonna slap it under a readmore bc i’m Sure i’m gonna ramble. 

uh spoiler warning for the finale of taz graduation, as well as spoilers for the season in general.

also, these are my own thoughts of how the season went, what the themes were, etc! if you don’t agree with me, that’s fine! but i don’t wanna have a convo w you in the replies about it i’ll be honest. if you want to share your opinion so badly, make your own post, alright? that good? we cool?

aight. so. finale thoughts.

to make it short: i think the finale was a satisfying end of a very good arc. 

to expand upon that, let me share what i think the themes of graduation were and why the finale satisfies those themes. 

i made a post about this a while back (here it is if you want) but my honest belief was that the theme of graduation was self-reliance: the concept that you don’t allow yourself to be governed by forces that go against your own beliefs. this concept was coined by essayist ralph waldo emerson to talk about how the american people shouldn’t allow the government to create laws that go against the will of the people. now, understandably, this feels very anti-capitalist which is what i think a lot of fans believed was reflected through the season. 

but, in reality, self-reliance has more to do with being active in your government and making sure you’re being represented the way you want to be by your representatives. that’s sort of the vibe emerson was going for in his essay, and i think. in a sense? that translates to graduation. but i took self-reliance in the more metaphorical about breaking away from those things that are controlling you. which, in graduation, was A Lot Of Things. 

the way i saw it, there were two major groups that inflicted order upon the world and the thundermen--conveniently separated as order and chaos (not the deities though, just the concepts). 

the order half of control existed mostly through the school and the HOG. the HOG created the economic reliance on the heroes and villains system, which removed all literal meaning from those terms and turned them into bureaucratic titles. society existed under these very strict checks and balances; heroes and villains supplied money to the kingdom in terms of entertainment, which then boosted that kingdom’s creditability and allowed them to contribute more to nua’s economy, which then led heroes and villains to have a higher demand, thus perpetuating the cycle. it’s important to note that this term does not represent the sort of morality we expect for heroes and villains--hell, even the term “evil” turned into an arbitrary term used to show those heroes and villains who failed the system. this is the more prominent representation of control that the thundermen break away from in achieving their own self-reliance. they don’t see the value in a system that holds no real moral code (fitzroy Especially, but i’ll get into that in a bit), and can’t help the public when there’s actually a serious situation. as we saw with althea in the beginning, the HOG had no way to help the thundermen when they were dealing with the whole Demon Prince situation (as he had already placed some of his own people in there, proving these kind of systems are easily corruptible). so this wasn’t a system meant to Actually create heroes and villains--it was just a way of boosting the economy. 

the chaos half of control existed primarily through grey and Chaos. grey represented how chaos could be controlled, through various means. he planted that tree for the centaurs to fight over because he knew it would constantly create conflict, which he enjoyed. he kept the school under a watchful eye to prevent anyone from stepping out of line with his grand ideas, and used several manipulation tactics to try and get his way (most notably, his own admittance of grooming fitzroy into joining his side, which didn’t work). grey was the perfect example of how chaos does not automatically mean a lack of control. he was very controlling in how he did things because he had an endgoal: find hieronymous and have a war. but he didn’t even realize he was contributing to a greater idea, that being Chaos’s insistence on causing general disarray. as we realize now, Chaos’s plan was both for them and Order, but i’m leaving Order out for a second because they only really rear their head in towards the end. for the most part, audiences were led to assume that Chaos was the Big Bad(TM); they were the one pulling the strings, allowing things to happen to cause general chaos and disarray. them supplying random mortals with their endless power was a way to plant chaos into the world of nua; but it was a chaos they controlled. fitzroy resisting them was not simply a refusal to bend to Chaos, but it was resisting the control put on him through his magic. 

these systems were constricting the thundermen on both sides. when they thought they’d find help in one side, they were disappointed to find that there was nothing anyone could do. the only people who could fix their problems were...them. so they forged a new path, set new ideas, and became self-reliant. that’s what i think is the most important aspect of graduation; not the anti-capitalist implications of turning over the economic and political systems in place, but the idea that if nothing that is supposed to help you is actually helping that you can just...do your own thing! 

and i think that’s what the finale really shows, at the end of the day. that these forms of control were not doing anything helpful, and were in fact ruining the fabric of space-time! that’s where i think Order comes in because Order is really...the ultimate culmination of control. they are aware that Everything being done will benefit their cause. the HOG? well, they make sure everybody’s so incompetent that they can do their work. grey? well, he’ll contribute to the plan without even realizing it. they even manipulated Chaos and enacted their own form of control over Chaos to make sure that they had no reason to believe that this plan couldn’t go wrong. but Order knew. Order always knew there was a chance for error, and that chance was very great. but they didn’t care! so long as they had control of things, they could try a hundred times to get it right. they had no care for mortals, unlike Chaos. 

the thundermen showing Chaos the truth is the final jenga piece that collapses this tower of control. which is why the finale is so great. 

travis does a phenomenal job of incorporating chaos (general chaos) into the battle mechanics. it may be stupid and slightly arbitrary, but having them change forms randomly and having to adapt to those new circumstances really does exemplify the season!!! the thundermen were constantly forced into new situations (being sidekicks/henches, fitzroy becoming a villain, being let in on the heiro dog situation, the unbroken chain trial, joining forces w grey, etc.), and in all of them they simply found a way to adapt and keep working their way. which made the finale generally interesting and also thematically interesting! 

i think my favorite part of the entire fight scene is right at the end, when argo chucks the shark’s tooth necklace at Order. and time stops. and they’re given a choice. 

the fact that they leave it to a coin toss?? oh my god...how fucking FITTING!! like, that’s disorderly. that’s going your own way. it’s new, it’s terrifying, it has DIRE UNKNOWNS ON EITHER SIDE, but it’s what they do! and...it ends up working out! i think it would’ve worked out either way, but the fact that they left it up to chance really shows how they aren’t allowing anything to control their actions. 

AND THEN WE GET TO THE EPILOGUE. MY GOD I LOVE THE EPILOGUE I’M GONNA GO OFF SO MUCH. 

first off, i loved hearing how Nua adapts to losing this very significant form of government/economic contributor and turns to more people-based work. citizens uniting together, fixing things, making amends, THAT’S SELF-RELIANCE BABEY!!! THAT’S THE WHOLE EMERSON SHIT! HAVING A SYSTEM OF GOVERNMENT THAT ACTUALLY HAS THE INTERESTS OF THE PEOPLE AT LARGE!!! YEAHHHHHHHHH THAT’S THE WHOLE SELF-RELIANCE THING!

now, i’ll break it down by characters: 

fitzroy

GOD. LOVE IT. FIRST OFF, absolutely ADORED how his character arc involved him stripping himself of these self-assigned titles because he actually has an identity that is all his own and he doesn’t NEED arbitrary titles to prove his worth because HE HAS IT IN HIMSELF. not to self-plug or anything, but that’s ssoss!fitzroy’s WHOLE SHIT. I’VE ALREADY BEEN ON THIS TRAIN, BITCH, AND TO KNOW I GOT IT SO RIGHT...GOD. FEELS GOOD. 

but also, i just really enjoy how his ending went in general. the fact that he doesn’t really know what he wants to do, so he just...does stuff he likes to do? that’s so good! because, if you remember, fitzroy had a Very set schedule of life events when the campaign started. he was going to get his wiggenstaffs degree, go back knight school, get his knight school degree, and then go to goodcastle. but all of that was based on a very limited understanding of himself. 

fitzroy’s character arc has primarily focused finding himself, specifically in terms of identity. for someone who was bullied for his past, the present formation of himself was Extremely important to fitzroy. he thought that shutting out his past and taking on this grandiose title of knighthood would make him something more than himself. he would no longer be fitzroy; the poor, country kid trying to make it in a big world. he’d be Sir Fitzroy Maplecourt; respected, honored, revered, with a title to prove it. 

he explains to fauxronymous (pre-reveal grey) that the reason he wanted to be a knight was because he wanted to assist in doing good. morally good. fitzroy has Always had a very clear sense of his morality; this comes through when he refuses Chaos on the basis of many people having to die if he agreed. but being a knight also had the added of bonus of a very respectable title that no one would want to look beyond, which fitzroy felt he needed because...i don’t think he Saw anything beyond that. in himself. he wasn’t himself for a very long time, and i don’t know if he ever thought he would be again. he’d wear this new identity, start a new life, and be happier....he hoped. 

then, things changed! and he started to realize that arbitrary titles don’t do shit because plenty of people with Big Important Titles ended up being Awful People! so he started to value himself For Himself; his wit, his humor, his strength, his magical prowess. and, i think, he started to wonder what knighthood was Really about. was it about upholding a moral good? or was it just another bureaucracy filled with people who won’t do shit when things get bad. 

i think this is why him becoming a lawyer is fitting. especially because of the reasoning he gives sylvia nite. now for A LOT OF PEOPLE, i’m sure they hear lawyer and assume some corporate hotshot who doesn’t give a shit about people. but fitzroy is Not applying to be a corporate laywer. he SPECIFICALLY telsl sylvia that he wants to help people who cannot help themselves, and he wants to do good in that way. THAT kind of lawyer is more of the pro-bono, district lawyer. the ones that don’t make crazy amounts of cash, but help those who cannot afford lawyers and represent them when the government is fucking them over. those lawyers don’t rely on title, they rely on principle. 

that’s the perfect representation of fitzroy’s growth. holding his identity within himself, while still trying to do good by those who need it. 

firbolg (aka gary) 

i think the firbolg’s ending is so unique but so...right for him. his character arc has really been focused around finding his family. he had one, in the beginning, in his clan. but that didn’t end up, y’know...working out that much. so he had to go out into the world alone--something that firbolg’s are rarely--and try and navigate these foreign spaces all by himself. 

we see very early on how he latches onto the idea of groups. he likes being considered a part of the thundermen; he very much hoists himself upon the CFO title and wears it proudly. i think, where fitzroy needed to find identity within himself, the firbolg needed to find it within other people. which is completely okay! he’s still an individual, but you can tell he finds comfort in numbers because that’s what he is used to. 

him going back to his clan was, i believe, his finally severance with his identity as “firbolg”. he would never be welcomed back to his clan, and one of the few people in his life who supported him was now dead. but his father was proud of him; his father was happy he seemed to find his own clan, even if it wasn’t with other firbolgs. from that moment on, i think the firbolg begins to try finding himself within the thundermen. within his friends.

so his epilogue is neat! it definitely captures the loneliness he feels on his own, and how he feels lost with himself without others. i think it might seem silly to some that he would become a gary, but i think it’s fitting. the garys were always present in his time at school, and they were always helpful. they didn’t mind how long it took him to talk because the gary’s are stone gargoyles--what the fuck do they care about time? it was a group that the firbolg saw as familiar to him--always willing to help, slow, stony, and attuned to a larger group. 

and i think the way gary takes this idea of unity and family and puts it into financial assistance just...it just ties everything together! we saw how attached he got to the concept of finances, thanks to his very confusing accounting class. so he had all of this new knowledge--this knowledge that represented a separation from firbolgs--and this new clan. and he used it to help other clans and families!! i think the fact that the Garys financial advice works specifically with groups is what makes this so fitting. because gary wants families to feel stable within themselves; he understands how finances can create struggle and divides, and he wants to provide relief. 

giving financial advice to communities so they rely on themselves and not the government (aka inviting them to be controlled once more) is a VERY self-reliant concept. not that i think gary’s goal is to have no social networks to exist, but he wants to give communities the ability to rely on one another and foster that feeling of togetherness. so groups aren’t fighting over things, but are trusting and loving and relying. 

just like gary’s always wanted. and just like what he has with the thundermen.

argo 

argo’s ending is probably the funniest, but also the sweetest. i think that argo’s character arc revolved around finding his place. we see how argo’s early personality and motivations revolved around his past. he very much had a revenge story since the start; he wanted to enact revenge on the commodore for murdering his mother, no matter what it took. which made him very limited!! in terms of the self. he saw himself less for what he was now, and what he was then. and what he couldn’t do then. 

we see how much he finds comfort in being a part of the thundermen, but also how he feels...out of place. i think this is because a part of him is still attached to his past and doesn’t think he can do anything beyond his set plan. the unbroken chain certainly contributes to this, by not only separating him from the trio but also reinforcing his connection to his past through his mother’s involvement in the unbroken chain. 

the commodore also being a part of the unbroken chain is, i think, what causes the shift from past to present within argo. his life’s goal is standing right in front of him--attached to the group his mother once was a part of--with his friends at his side. letting the thundermen in on his history is the start of bridging these two halves of argo. and the fact that the thundermen are so willing to helps makes argo feel more a part of the team and more a part of this reality. 

when he kills the commodore, it isn’t intense. it isn’t overly dramatic (minus the fight prior, which was BADASS), it isn’t crazily staged. it is argo, staring down the commodore who lies prone on the ground. 

he kills himself unceremoniously and completes his life-long mission. 

what becomes of him in the epilogue is the culimination of both past and present. he takes what he knows and loves (the sea, the mariah, sailing) and blends it with what he’s come to love now (his friends, this adventure, and making people happy). there are SO many instances where argo uses performance to his advantage. this man is piloted by clint mcelroy, of COURSE he’s going to have a flair for the dramatic. 

so for him to open up a themed cruiseline, based on the stories of him and his friends? SO FITTING. and it isn’t forcing himself to leave his past behind or to completely ignore his present circumstances. because he’s found a place in the now, in the merging of these two sides. and by merging them, he paints a bright future for himself. a future that is partially known, partially not. partially old, partially new.

but it’s all his. 

after that, i think their final scene is just...sweet. a nice, jovial, joking send-off to a nice season. it proves these people have grown and will continue to grow, even when we no longer see their story. it does exactly what graduation does--shows you a struggle, a triumph, and a glimpse into the future. 

i’ll miss it so much, but there’s nothing more i could’ve asked of this ending. it was exactly what it needed to be; nothing more, nothing less. 

[nagichi-boop]

Aight imma lay all my auditory cards on the table. And by that imma throw out a bunch of little auditory issues I have for input on what could be causing them because I have no idea what’s what anymore (and I wanna know if my doctor was right to dismiss me or if I should pester them to look into it).

I’ll put the stuff under a readmore cuz I don’t want people who follow me to be annoyed by my ear problem rambles.

Bear with me cuz I’m rly bad at explaining things like this. :’)

• Sometimes when people talk, it causing and uncomfortable crackle/popping(?) sensation in my ear and can be borderline painful.

- Happens more often over zoom calls (especially on tablets where you can’t turn the volume very low) and phone calls but also happens irl if people talk somewhat loudly.

- Often causes me to try to “politely” cover the effected ear(s) or sometimes distance myself from the source of the sound.

(This has been an issue since about 2018 I think. That’s when I first noticed it.)

• Freak out when I hear buzzing insects or similar sounding noises. Sounds loud and intense and I tend to cover my ears, become more sensitive to stimuli and cry. If I’m exposed to the stress for too long I become jumpy and find it difficult/impossible to talk for a while. (This has been an issue as early back as I can remember.)

• I don’t necessarily struggle to hear but I misunderstand what people say a lot, especially if the room is noisy.

- For example, I can’t understand what people are saying when I’m washing dishes cuz of the sound of running water.

- I also just generally struggle to understand people. I either just hear noises or I confuse the words. (I have been called “deaf” many times cuz of this issue.)

- Sometimes I’ll understand what they said midway thru them repeating themselves.

• I get occasional ringing in my ear but it’s not constant. It only lasts for a few minutes tops and seems to come and go randomly.

• I just generally don’t cope well will loud noises. Sudden ones especially. Like fire alarms or phone notifications make me very anxious. (In fact my phone is actually on silent all the time because of this. My phone only vibrates for calls and that’s it.)

• I often get irritated by my ears and I scratch them cuz they feel full and sticky, though I usually just clean my ears at that point.

These are the ones off of the top of my head. Idk I’m likely overreacting but the first two definitely have a fairly big impact on my life. The first one makes it difficult to concentrate or be in the room for conversations or zoom calls cuz it’s uncomfortable painful. And the second means I rarely go outside due to fear of bugs. I also don’t open my window cuz of them. Plus the embarrassment that comes along with it isn’t fun - everyone judges me.

Some possibly helpful side notes:

• I am on a waiting list for autism. My brother is diagnosed with it and my dad probably also has it (but refuses to get diagnosed).

• I suffer from what I assume to be migraines and have since I was a kid. My dad was diagnosed as having them.

Uhhh so anyways, hopefully someone out there knows what the hell I’m talking about. I’m assuming they’re a mixture of issues but I’m open to any experiences, input or advice!

[aro-culture-is]

Hey how do you know you're aro. I'm too young to be in a romantic relationship and the two times that I was, I either forgot I was dating a guy cause he just walked up to me and asked and never talked to me again afterwards. Or I kissed a guy freaked out and broke things off immediately. I like reading romance and shipping characters together but, I don't think I really want that for myself it'd be cool to be affectionate with someone but you don't really need romance to do that right? I'm just worried I might not actually be aro and I'm just thinking I might be cause I feel at home talking to everyone in the lgbtq community. Everyone is nice and pleasant to hang out with and I want to be apart of It too but, I don't wanna like barge in saying hey I'm aro when I might not be. Sorry if this alot I'm kinda rambling at this point.

Hi! Honestly the best way I can think of to describe my personal take is this: you are too immature to be in a romantic relationship if you can’t imagine establishing boundaries with them or talking to other people when you’re with them.

Both are important for healthy relationships - and you might not be perfect at them even then! In order for a partner to respect your boundaries, you have to communicate them. And while we’d obviously like every relationship to be healthy, if it is unhealthy, having a support network outside of that relationship is extremely important to spotting it, knowing when its time to get out, and doing so. If a partner regularly encourages you to only spend time with them or actively discourages (especially in a jealous manner) ever spending time with other people and is unwilling to discuss it, that’s a big red flag.

I don’t think age alone is a good metric for maturity, though.

However, your question seems to actually be “am I aro?” which is completely different. I can’t tell you if you are aromantic, but I can tell you that if you don’t think you feel romantic attraction (such as, you don’t feel innately drawn to dating a specific/multiple specific people and doing traditionally romantic things with them), you’re welcome to identify as aro. If you aren’t sure if you do feel romantic attraction, you’re welcome to identify as aro. 

Questioning people are allowed in the community - just because the big Q we talk about now is queer doesn’t mean that questioning folks are no longer allowed. Usually, that’s what the Q meant in LGBTQ up until partway through my high school years.

I personally am a huge fan of trying on labels if I think they might fit me, just as I would try on clothes. It might look good on the rack but not fit me. Or maybe it might not fit perfectly, but I love it anyways or decide it’s good enough for now. Maybe I elect to leave empty handed rather than spend more money (time) on something that doesn’t bring me joy. Perfect fits are often tricky, and sometimes you even find later in life that you no longer like it as much. That doesn’t mean anything bad about you or the clothes (labels) that you tried on. Of course, a lot of people find clothes they love and that do fit them well, or even make their own!

- mod kee

disclaimer under readmore:

Hi, I'm an internet stranger. I am one person. I will speak from my personal perspective. I happen to be more visible in the aro community than some, and this puts me in a unique position where I am asked many types of questions. I will do my best, but I am not representative of all aromantic people, or even my specific identities of non-sam or loveless. Sometimes, I might say something and later disagree with that stance. Treat me as the unqualified stranger I am.

[cardentist]

I’ve talked about how the misconception of hoodie and masky as proxies clashes with the plot of marble hornets before and how the implications of them being interpreted as proxies impacts the themes of tim’s characterization and storyline. (link)  that said, I’ve noticed that even people who Know they aren’t proxies still tend to interpret them as more violent or antagonistic than they really are, sometimes still interpreting them as working for or being controlled by the operator. 

so ! I wrote up a manifesto rambling on about my thoughts on why hoodie and masky come off as more threatening than they actually are, on what the operator’s influence actually is, and on masky’s role is as an alter. I’m putting it under a readmore for length ! so warning for major spoilers under the cut.

as a note, this is all based on my own understanding of the series, I don’t want to have to write “in my opinion” after everything I say so I’m saying it here fjlsdk

but to start with, I wanna address the idea of hoodie and masky (and even alex) being puppeted by the operator.

troy has gone out of his way to state multiple times that there are no proxies in marble hornets specifically to counter the notion that the operator has direct control of the characters’ actions at any point. the operator can affect people’s moods, their perception of reality, but it can’t puppet people’s actions. They’re in control of themselves even if they aren’t thinking clearly or rationally.

compare jay and alex. they were both unmedicated throughout the series (for the most part), and there’s evidence to suggest that jay was affected by the operator all the way back during the marble hornets shoot (he mentions how cold he feels just like tim, and he doesn’t remember alex’s change in behavior in the present at all), but they both were in Very different places mentally. it isn’t fair to just say that alex was more Violent than jay, we didn’t see much of him pre-operator but we were meant to get the idea that he was just a normal guy, but he had a very different reaction to the operator’s influence.

likewise, brian and tim were both taking medication throughout the series and Very Obviously had different reactions to the operator’s influence (brian self isolating and giving into paranoia while tim tried Very hard to live a normal life and get better despite his lack of support).  

if the operator could just control people’s actions then the differences in their personalities and environments wouldn’t have mattered. why bother creating an alter that’s less openly violent than alex was? why leave jay to be self destructive but ultimately harmless when he was vulnerable for so long? if the alters and changes in behavior were caused by a Direct influence by the operator, controlling what they Do rather than just how they feel, then they All should’ve been as murderous as alex was.

personally? I see masky as a protector that stemmed from tim’s childhood trauma. we don’t know exactly what happened for sure, like tim said we’ll never know if what he experienced was the operator or his own schizophrenia or both (or if the difference even matters), but we Do know that from his perspective he was locked in a room with a monster with nowhere to go and with no one to help him. the people who were Supposed to take care of him (his parents, his doctors) were the ones confining him there and he didn’t have anyone else in his life (brian was his first friend). that’s Plenty of reason for DID to occur naturally !

masky’s job as a protector would be to get tim (and the people important to him depending on the situation) away from danger by either fighting or running away, because tim didn’t Have the power to help himself when he needed it. moreover, that’d explain why masky tends to front in response to seizures and being Taken by the operator, it’d be to protect tim from whatever caused the pain (whether it can actually be protected against or not) And to deal with painful memories ! it’s a trauma response because masky exists in response To trauma and tim’s inability to cope with what happened to him on his own

so ! why does masky come off as so intimidating if he’s supposed to be a protector? because he was supposed to ! out of universe, the series was presented out of order with jay getting bits and pieces of what happened to slowly pull together a more complete narrative. hoodie and masky were written to Look like antagonists the first time through (in the same way that alex looked more sympathetic in the beginning), but slowly putting the pieces together makes their actual goals clearer as well as adds context to situations that made them look bad because of how they were presented in release order. this isn’t a failing of the storytelling by any means, we thought they were threatening because Jay thought they were threatening !

and well, in universe obviously part of it is that hoodie and masky are, you know,   running around wearing masks and acting shady, especially when you have no idea who they are or what they want. But a lot of times their actions Seem threatening but can either be explained by them purposefully appearing threatening to try to scare jay away from danger/into helping someone Or can be explained by them being affected by the operator in the same way that jay and alex were (more on that later :3c)

this distinction is important because hoodie and masky’s whole goal is to combat   alex and the operator ! the operator can make them more aggressive/act out in ways that they otherwise wouldn’t, but it isn’t making them do it’s bidding !

tbh the only thing holding me back from explaining every single instance where hoodie or masky come off as threatening is my own thinning self control, but the fact that I haven’t yet means that I have limited examples jlksfd. that said ! I can think of a couple!

the most obvious example of them being threatening on purpose was entry ####, when hoodie and masky stopped speaking in codes for the first time and made an overtly threatening video saying in no uncertain terms that they were coming to “get” jay just before the season 1 finale. They even posted it on His channel so he couldn’t ignore it. they Knew alex was going to go after jay, but they also knew that alex was watching him and watching them. if they warned him that alex was the one coming for him then alex wouldn’t make his move and would wait until jay was vulnerable again (plus the risk of him just not Believing them since at this point he had no reason to think that alex was truly dangerous). so they made Themselves the threat and scared jay out of his apartment before alex could burn him alive in it.

an example of them appearing threatening because of Circumstance and how the story was told is actually one series of events split up into several parts ! chronologically it starts with entry 52. alex invites jay and jessica into the woods, holds them at gunpoint, and tries to shoot them only to be tackled by masky. jessica and jay manage to run away and meet up at a hotel only to be tracked down by the operator. jay tackles it and he and jessica are knocked out and  have their memories wiped.

then jay wakes up in entry 27 with no idea what’s happened, and posts about exactly that to his youtube channel. both alex and totheark have been paying attention to jay’s channel and they both find out that jay and jessica are vulnerable at the same time. they don’t know exactly where jay and jessica are right off the bat, but jay made it clear that he wasn’t going anywhere. so it’s a race against the clock to see who can get to them first while not drawing any unwanted attention.

finally it’s jessica’s disappearance, split between entry 33 and 76! jay has Just posted about how he’s gonna leave with jessica to try to figure things out, and hoodie and masky both know that if alex had already found the hotel then that would’ve push him into action. So that’s what leads to 76 with hoodie and masky grabbing jessica to try to get her out of danger. masky carries her down the stairs and then sets her down outside before heading back into the hotel.

Cutting to entry 33, that’s when he confronts jay in his hotel room. At the time it Looked like he was attacking jay because we didn’t have the context, but this was Immediately following him trying to save jessica and him Successfully saving them from alex shooting them. Moreover, he didn’t actually try to hit or overpower jay (and considering he just finished carrying a grown unconscious woman over his shoulders down the stairs he definitely could’ve).

What’s more likely is that hoodie was going to carry jessica to safety while masky carried jay, and he only Didn’t because jay was conscious to fight him off. (why jessica was unconscious probably has to do with why jay and jessica lost their memories in the first place and why jessica didn’t seem to think anything was off at the end of the series, that’s to say that slenderman wanted alex to get to them and was likely thrown by hoodie and masky’s presence). masky was hauling ass because he was trying to get to jay before alex did and he was taken off guard by the fact that jay wasn’t out like jessica was !

so then back to 76! jessica wakes up and hoodie tries to help her through the woods only to get shot at by alex, alex tricks her into trusting him and tries to convince her that they’re both hoodie’s victims. when alex tries to take his second chance to kill her she grabs his gun and hoodie comes to beat his ass ! hoodie stayed close when he ran off so he could catch alex off guard ! Unfortunately the operator gets to her while they’re fighting each other off. it’s unclear exactly what happens but jessica gets taken and we see alex put his gun away. personally I think jessica was knocked out rather than shot and he was just retrieving it from her before she got taken (seeing as she’s still alive by the end of the series) though what happened to hoodie isn’t exactly clear beyond the fact that he lived.

so ! to put all of that shorter fjdksl hoodie and masky’s goal here was to protect jay and jessica from alex. masky came to stop alex from shooting them the first time and they both tracked jessica and jay down after they lost their memories because they knew alex would take the opportunity to try to kill them again. masky not being able to grab jay (or more accurately, getting throttled by jay jldsf) meant that he wasn’t there to help hoodie defend jessica against alex leading to her getting taken anyways. but it scared jay into escaping the hotel without having to encounter alex himself. That’s why jay said he understood. it isn’t just that tim had no control over his alter’s actions, it was that masky and hoodie Looked threatening but were actually trying to help. It’s just that tim had no way to know that when he found the tape originally.

and finally ! what I think is an example of masky coming off as threatening because of the operator’s influence, but specifically on Mood rather than action! This being the events of entry 61 and 62!

Hoodie wants to force jay and tim to team up, and he does so by acting as the villain to get jay to move again (while he had masky pose in front of the camera before it’s more likely that he planned and edited entry ####). He takes tim’s pills, tim goes into a seizure, the video cuts out, and hoodie tells jay to go find him. this is followed by masky attacking jay in the woods and them both waking up in the abandoned house in rosswood.

now before I say anything else, let's contrast this with jay in entry 82 and 77. jay tries to stake out the rosswood tunnel (the last place jessica was seen in the tape before she disappeared), and after not finding anything he calls tim to apologize, tell him that he understood, and to say he wanted to work with him again. He’s scared and he says that he thinks he’s seeing things, he Specifically sees the same abandoned building that they woke up in during 62 Moving Closer to him. Jay then has a seizure, the video cuts out, and tim never gets the phone call. the next time we see jay chronologically is 77, where he comes to tim with zip ties and his (piddly) pocket knife to try to “interrogate” him about jessica.

we don’t see exactly what happened to him after the video cuts out, but we know whatever it was affected his memory, made him far more aggressive and paranoid, and played into his anxiety and fears notching them up to 11 (like him shouting that it “wouldn’t have been (his) fault” when tim says that jessica is gone playing into the fact that jay blames himself for losing jessica when she was one room over).

it’s the exact same situation with masky. 61 and 62 follows tim and jay’s blowout in the parking lot and jay sharing tim’s medical records online. at this point tim had a lot of anxiety and frustration surrounding jay. so when masky woke up after tim’s seizure, shaken up by the operator, he saw jay as a threat to tim’s safety in the same way that jay saw Tim as a threat keeping him from finding jessica. the operator is Most Likely responsible for teleporting them both to the abandoned house and teleporting masky specifically to the woods !

the operator causing aggression is pretty much a constant ! though how much a specific person reacts to it depends on the situation, the amount of exposure they’ve had and how recent it was, and how much Help the person has access to (like medication, support, and solidarity). alex became an Extremely aggressive person, and it wasn’t just because of the stress of the situation. he self isolated and didn’t have access to medication. he fell into paranoia and catastrophizing, deciding that everyone around him either deserved to be mercy killed to save them from the operator or saw them as a threat spreading the sickness to other people.

That’s why he went easier on jay at first. He was trying to kill him from the beginning, but he tolerated more from him because he saw jay as someone that needed to be saved from his fate. It isn’t until his mental health declined even further and jay continued to get in his way that his attitude changed, giving us who he was at the very end.

we also know that audio/visual glitches are signs of the operator, and you’ll notice the audio glitching when people yell Throughout the series. the three standouts for me being alex yelling “I’ll kill you” after hoodie and masky try to smash his head in with a rock, tim yelling “but what if I’m right” while he’s spiraling thinking about how he could’ve been the cause of all of this while telling jay about his backstory, and jay yelling “I need it” after tim refuses to leave the camera for him when jay is zip tied on the floor.

the operator causes paranoia and aggression as a baseline, it just affects everyone to different degrees at different times depending on their access to help and how direct the operator is being with its influence, hoodie and masky are no different !

that doesn’t make their actions Okay, alex isn’t off the hook for Murder, but it does make them all Victims and it does mean that they deserved help (think back to tim offering to help alex during their final confrontation, even after everything).

All of that to say ! while hoodie and masky come off as threatening, their overall goals are to be helpful, they just tend to act extremely because of the situation they’re in on top of dealing with the same operator-influenced aggression and paranoia that everyone else is trying to manage. This is only emphasized by the method of storytelling deliberately obscuring the order of events to make them appear more threatening than they really are on top of their own attempts to scare jay out of harm's way.

I’ve gone on just, frankly way too long. so ! if you’re interested in more meta about how mental illness ties into the core Themes of marble hornets as well as misconceptions in the fandom (and specifically some dunking on night mind’s masky theory jlkfsd) I have a google doc where I’ve been just, chewing on it here (link)

it’s written like it’s laying out points for a response video that I’m frankly never gonna make, but I’ve been putting off making a post about it instead for This Exact Reason (this post is just over 5 pages in google docs jlkfds). and if you’d like to do more research on DID and OSDD there’s an Excellent playlist with resources ! the uploader has OSDD and they have other playlists as well that are worth checking out too ^^ (link)

[rogue-bard]

I was wondering how you make dice?

I’m interested in making my own, and I thought I’d ask about.

Thanks. ☺️💚

Hi!!! You have no idea how excited I am about taking about dice making haha, so sorry if I ramble on a bit too much. Also keep in mind that I'm a beginner and don't reeeeally know what I'm doing.

Because I don't know how to cut anything short, I'll put this beneath a readmore...

So, first, you either have to make or buy silicone molds for your dice. There are pretty cheap ones I found that are made in China; shipping takes ages and the quality was poor (on some molds, the numbers came off...), but with a little luck, the molds of the dice you want to make are good to use. I saw these molds on amazon as well as etsy.

There are also a ton of people on etsy who make molds, but they are pretty expensive (as you would expect for the work put in). I have no experience with making molds myself, but there are pretty extensive videos about it on youtube!

So, if you have molds, you need epoxy resin. I only used Dr. Crafty for now, and I think all of them behave a little differently, so I'm not gonna get into mixing except for saying that you need to follow the instructions on the bottles very closely! Oh, and I do it on the balcony because there will be fumes. I would not be comfortable doing that inside, even with a mask. You also absolutely will need rubber gloves. I am in luck to not belong to the huge percentage of people who are allergic to this stuff, but it's still really uncomfortable on your skin and it won't come off easily, even in tiny amounts. (For that matter, protect your table and everything that might accidentally come in contact. I use a silicone mat I originally had for baking. Stuff comes right off of that and you have no problem!)

Plus, doing this outside in summer has the added benefit that you can just put your resin bottles in the sun, as resin needs to be pretty warm to not cause bubbles.

You can use tiny amounts of mica powder for glitter effects (most normal glitters will be too heavy and sink), or large amounts for opaque dice. Less is definitely more, when it comes to mica powder. (Worth noting is that you might wanna look up if that stuff is ethically sourced before purchasing; I've heard horrible things)

Or, if you like transparent dice, you can use alcohol ink (though if you put enough of that into your resin, it will also be opaque).

You can mix and match alcohol inks and mica powders as much as you like and have fun with it! Or you can make dice transparent or in color A and then just drizzle alcohol color in color B on top and poke it around with a toothpick! Or you can use gold leaf or anything else that you can think of, to put in there. Just keep in mind, that heavy stuff will sink to the bottom (which is usually the "good" face - like 20 on a d20 or 6 on a d6; so sinking tiny stars or something to there might be a fun effect too!).

My epoxy resin is a two-compound resin, which I *think* all of them are, but I'm not sure. In any case, I put my colors into one of the compounds before mixing the two compounds together, so I have as much time as I want to get the color right without having to worry that my resin will harden too fast.

Once you've done all the mixing, you can bang the mixing cup around a little, to get as many bubbles out of it as possible, and then you have to get it into the molds. If you have completely closed off molds, where you put the top on after everything is done, the you can just pour it in from the mixing cup. In any other case, you need either pipettes or a syringe. I tried and failed with pipettes because I always got more air in those than I got resin, but I also never used I pipette before that, so maybe I'm dumb...

Once you've filled your molds with all the resin and stuff you like, you have to make sure that there are no huge bubbles in it. I haven't really figured this step out yet, either, but for some reason I'm doing better than a friend with a pressure pot... Just... Turn the molds every which way and bump them against your table? Idk, if that does anything, I keep hoping it'll knock bubbles loose and make them go up (which is why I turn the molds on all possible sides).

After you're sure there's no bubbles, put a bit of extra resin on any openings (except if you have a completely closed mold), as resin contracts when hardening. Your excess resin can fill in the holes that that will create.

Then that stuff needs to settle for however long it says on the bottle - and if you used a looot of alcohol ink and/or it's rather cold where you are, then you'll have to wait even longer. I usually just put my molds in an airtight box so the fumes don't escape, and then take that into the cellar, so it's out of the way, but I think it would be better if it was kept warm.

Once it's completely cured, you carefully waggle the mold a bit around the dice, as to not to rip any numbers off when you take out the dice. And then you turn the mold inside out as much as you can, and take out the dice!

If there's any huge surface holes, you can try to fix them with more resin... I just use clear UV resin for that, because that hardens in minutes. But ideally, there won't be many holes.

You can now either sand all the sides, or only the sides that visibly need sanding - whatever you prefer. I think you need to wet sand it, I think dry sanding would probably not go too well, but I don't know. I start with a 400 grain and work myself up to 12000. Now, that 12000 grain wasn't cheap and I think is completely unnecessary, it's probably enough if you go to 4000. Just make sure not to sand off any numbers. Because I've done that. More than once. It sucks.

Aaaand you're almost done! Just get whatever color paint you like (preferably water proof, if you like to spill your drink while playing...) and ink in the numbers! I usually go for acrylic paint, but only because I had that lying around anyway. I'm sure there's plenty of colors that paint on epoxy.

And then you just need to enjoy the nice click-clack sound they make in your hands!

I hope you didn't die of old age during this lengthy explanation......

[ranvwoop]

TALK ABOUT AMERICAN HEALTHCARE I HAVE AN IDEA OF WHY IT'S THERE BUT I WANNA HEAR THE EXPLANATION ALSO THE ONLY HOUSE THAT"S NOT ON FIRE (YET) FOR THE SAME REASON I JUST WANNA SEE THE ANALYSIS:TM: IF U WANT I WANNA SEE IF I GOT IT RIGHT :D

Hi :DDD. Thank u for asking,,,, I have many thoughts. I am sorry in advance. This is one of those things I will put under a readmore because I am into rambling. IT GOT A LOT LONGER THAN ANTICIPATED IM SORRY. Like. a lot. It was 4 pages in google docs because i dont trust tumblr to save my drafts

Okay a lot of my Ranboo thoughts are about the syndicate / boreal trio / peerpressure duo. But you’re probably aware I am a Them enthusiast first and both a dsmp enjoyer and person second. Because. I really like the syndicate. I also don’t have too too many thoughts on the more recent lore past the experiments. Once the in character monologues stopped, so did my brain. I communicate through monologue to monologue communication.

American Healthcare is actually gonna be the main reason why this is so long bc it works Very Much for like three different reasons. One sorta niche and abstracter reason is a stream that was basically never elaborated on back in March, either the day after or very close to the peerpressure Egg confrontation stream. The egg called him a coward (for some reason my brain can Only come up with the “stop saying i look like chicken little. he’s dumb, and a coward, and i am NOT a coward” vine), and he is not a coward, so he decided to make an action plan to bring the server together by acting as a mediator for all parties and try to make sure that everyone is happy, because he’s the only one that can see all sides, or something. This was where he said the big happy family™ line but other than Ranboo Become Dream?? analysis nothing else really happened and everything went along as normal.

(I also always held a little bit of suspicion on this stream actually and thought it might be the influence of the egg, because it says it can give one whatever they want, and ranboo wants to make everyone happy and this was a totally foolproof way of doing that. Sort of in a similar way that BBH is convinced that his plan will totally make Skeppy happy. But also Ranboo is just like that, but this felt a little more on the nose than usual and he did fall into the egg and made his decisions after being egged on by it, buT WE’LL NEVER KNOW, WILL WE?

… also I really wanted to see more egg conflict at the time. Peerpressure rlly got involved in the egg plot for cameos at the banquet and nothing else. I do not blame anyone and respect the ccs for all of their attempts to weave plots together but also. also…. we.. we coulda had so much…)

That was a little off topic from the point, but… he really just thinks he can save the sick… he can see that everyone on the server is unwell and is wrong but, y’know, look inwardly, the unwell is coming from inside the house. And an inherent problem of the way that the server runs. And if this is still lowkey in effect or not (idk man a) ranboo has monologued a lot I simply chose a one off from march to grow emotionally attached to and b) i think that my brain has shut off once ranboo stopped solo lore streams), it would probably go the way that most choosing to change the system from the inside goes. Which is the point of the song and stuff! He will inevitably decide what’s too far, whether he will either admit it���s a choice or just feel that it’s what he has to do. The, uh, dealing with the devil, to be polite.

in conclusion (but we are not close to done here i’m holding you for a bit longer), i think a lot about that stream and i think that shows what he wants to be, at the very least, and continuing down that path would definitely go into being far more trouble than just a noble goal of wanting to help people, from negotiating with corruption (The lobbyists, the Congressmen and lies bit) and that the server can’t really be brought together and saved like that (When things are more and more this way / Sometimes it's like they'd rather die)

THE LESS. vwoop why have you written an unnecessarily long post about one stream in your playlist character analysis reason is both more literal and piece by piece and also Syndicate, My Beloved, you know the drill. We are going line by line because I have a lot of feelings about American Healthcare, apparently.

This also comes back to that everyone on the server is doing Really Badly, all of the time, but mostly his time in L’Manburg. For one, he is pretty complacent in everything and doesn’t really accomplish much in terms of actual change, so like Well people die every day / I wouldn't have it any other way / I just think they should feel good while they are alive. An example of this is Exiled Tommy — who I’d also metaphorically put as the dead man just for funsies, since Tommy’s whole exile thing was one of the first things Ranboo experienced on the server—as he did try to be friends with Tommy and keep him company with his letters, but he still has no power over the actual issue at hand. Just trying to make it a bit more bearable. Similarly is Techno, while Ranboo still participated in the butcher army that was trying to kill him, he helped in the meantime until he “died”.

And then it’s the Realization that participating in the system doesn’t really help much, and the subsequent Everything. It could be getting mad at the whole government system and that he didn’t mean to contribute to the harm, or how he fought with Fundy using hs ideology but not in the way that Ranboo thought. It could also be standing up to his hallucination Dream, in that he doesn’t try this hard to be a good person just to be accused of helping with all of the things that he may or may not have helped with. (That is… a discussion for not right now, I don’t know.) And I think this sort of area is also where it’s like they’d rather die is also relevant, cause Doomsday. Nobody could just set aside their governments and just get along, though Ranboo had his own solution to fighting and things.

And then he joins the Syndicate! And the lyrics of the song are directly Government Bad, because government bad. Canon anarchist, has done things that he’s not proud of as a part of the government. The lines it was the government / … It got louder over the years / Until all that I could hear was flies and all.

But honestly I think in the Syndicate he’s still trying to “save the sick”! Because the Syndicate don’t All fit eye to eye either. He’s the token pacifist, and a vote against violence whenever it comes down to it. Not all anarchists are violent but Techno and Phil will probably react strongly when provoked, due to All the past events, and I live in a world where their trauma and issues get talked about as much as everyone else’s. Since everything is decided by vote it’d probably be split between them and Ranboo + Niki, who is in her healing/no longer resorting to murder arc. He’ll help them negotiate and then everything will Be Okay, ideally.

(Also I just like the idea of Ranboo believing that he is helping the people he’s living with because canonically cc!Ranboo has said he just really cares about his family and the syndicate are included in his family shut up but they also just believe they’re helping him and yes it’s self indulgent. I care them. Particularly Endduo, actually, or whatever they're called, I am not bold enough to think Ranboo looks at Techno and thinks I Can Fix Him, but. Philza Minecraft will one day talk about his feelings. One day.)

There’s also radioduo and beeduo as of recent— really I’m just saying I think that Ranboo constantly has a Need To Help People, believes he can do it, and it will come back to hurt him in the end (except for the Syndicate because I’m in denial. The Syndicate can’t fall out if they never stream together :) ).

THIS CONCLUDES THE AMERICAN HEALTHCARE PORTION OF OUR SHOW.

The Only House That’s Not on Fire Yet !! I like this one. This is also blatantly there cause Syndicate. They are the only faction that is not actively falling apart, and this could absolutely be because they never stream together. But I do not care. However we are also going to go through this one piece by piece because we’re nearing 1500 words here and I might as well embarrass myself more. I am writing an incredibly informal essay about Ranboo My _Beloved (i assume his middle name is My, and he’s just one of those people who write his full full name) and this is the third page. If you’re still reading this, I’m sorry. Here we go.

There are lines that just seem like an unwell but recovering person, and I like to sort of think that way about Ranboo in the arctic during the down time. “I feel knotted up today / But in a most exquisite way” and “I feel strangely regular / But honestly I prefer it to / The usual bizarre” are just! He’s just hanging out. He’s doing good. There is the acknowledgement that he’s usually not doing well, and all of the episodes that he’s had in the past, and it’s probably strange to be doing well in the midst of everything, and there’s probably something impending, but now? He’s doing good!

The verses directly after both of those ones are about uncertainty and trust and such, and I feel like that’s not necessarily about just One relationship but all of them. Will cause problems as long as he has an accomplice. He is not confident but he trusts and loves people.

“This suit doesn’t fit me / I made it conterfeitly” I just like to think about Ranboo in his fancy suit, but it’s just a little wrong because he actually has no idea what he’s doing. I also like to think about Ranboo in a cape to fit in with boreal trio and later the syndicate, and emerald duo had matchy blue outfits from the Antarctic Empire… and trying to fit in with them…. or maybe They make him something.. You know. Much to think about.

“Killing me with déjà vu” I think is like. A little less fun, because despite how well things are going, the enderwalk is still not resolved and he had even less answers when I started thinking “this is a ranboo song”. Just as it relates to having a strange sense of reality and stuff, which goes into specifics of enderwalk headcanons, which would make this far longer. Even though I’ve framed it as a negative, there is also the more positive note of “Oh! I just thought of how to change all the hate / Into love with the old switcheroo / Dancing in my déjà vu / You'll be dancing too” which I’d rather explain broken up but I feel like as it’s a full verse it should be together. The first part is connected to my general thoughts of him explained earlier tbh, he’s trying Very Hard to make everyone happy and fix things. And adding the second part to it is just like! He is trying to make sense of everything, and it’s not so scary as time goes by. Since the experiments where he’s been (questionably) trying to be more comfortable and get more answers.

This was very long. I am sorry. I am ending it here and probably not going to do much formatting to make it readable because it is very late o’clock and also this is four pages and 2000 words I am so sorry. But if you read this far then. Uhhh thank. ^v^.

[lostfanboy]

Dude!!! Please enlighten me about your OCs!!!

God... I've got so many..... But!!! I'll start with just my main five boys that occupy my every waking thought because I love and adore them Gonna yeet this under a readmore

Okay so quick side note, all of my ocs for the most part are for roleplays with friends, and if their not their for video games or dnd lmao so they tend to have a bunch of different varations/storylines and stuff like that. I've always wanted to make a actual like, comic or book out of a lot of the stories but I've never managed it, so none of the characters have like, a base storyline currently asdfjnasd So their motivations and personalities change/shift based on the story their in.

But! First off we have my baby boy and the oldest oc out of this group, Grech

He's just... my emo disaster I love him very much. He's very quiet and a bit shy, he tends not to show much emotion most of the time? But he just... wants to be friends with people and he wants to be around the people he loves and he's such a good boy and I just -breathes in- love him lots

He's also an absolute idiot this bad boy can fit so many bad decisions in him-

He has a twin sister named Flare who he loves and adores, and he's also got a giant black fluffy cat named Twilight who's his emotional support animal who's... so good.... He's just. Struggling along. Getting angsted by me constantly. He's a big comfort character for me, playing him is like wearing a big cozy sweater sometimes. I just... really love him.

Then we've got Carter!!

Carter is my disaster child, he also may or may not be my whump character, he's just constantly getting into trouble but he tries so hard and he loves people so much and so hard and god ahhh

His whole thing is like... being really compassionate/always trying to see the best in people, which can land him in hot water sometimes because he tends to ignore red flags because of it. He has really big abandonment issues and is just always struggling emotionally and is like... usually feeling shitty but he tries not to let it show. He's snarky and sassy, he tends to try and get a rise out of people he doesn't like and just isn't afraid to Cause Problems On Purpose occasionally. He's super cute, playful, and friendly, he calls his favorite people 'cochise', and... like he's a relatively new oc, I only made him about three years ago, but I feel like I've had him forever I literally love him so much. He also has a cat like Grech, his cat is a syphnx named Sage and she is wonderful.

I could talk about Carter for hours, I have so many feelings about every version of him I've written, he just fills me with feelings. He was meant to be a temporary throwaway character that only showed up for a bit but he just instantly stole my heart and I haven't stopped loving him since.

In the interest of time however let's move on to Damien

Damien, similar to Carter, was actually meant to be a throwaway villain character and then I, you guessed it, got fucking attACHED-

His first appearance had him dramatically draping himself across a chair in a dramatic entrance and he's ruled my life and my RP partner's life ever since

(Aforementioned dramatic chair sitting)

Damien is very much so the 'I don't care about anything except oops now I care about you' trope, he has trouble being emotionally open but he's so sweet once he does open up. He shows his affection through things like gift giving and acts of service and he's really tender and just... an absolute hopeless romantic. Simp. Dumb pining gay.

I just... I love playing Damien so much. He's so fun and dramatic and pretty, I love thinking about him and his motivations and just aaaaaaa he's a good fucking boy dude

Then we have the apple of my eye Jared!

Jared is an absolute sweetheart, just a bouncy lil fella, filled with warmth and also trauma because all of my characters are sad akdfjnaksjd. Jared is just!! Always doing his fucking best man, he wants the best for people. He tries to be really optimistic and like, sunshine-y, even when he's not feeling that way, and he tries to be really caring. He also represses allllll of his anger which is like... y'know... not great.....

But he's fine, probably.

He's actually the only one out of these characters that only has one consistent love interest (My rp partner's character Isaac, who I'd die for) and they are um....... fucking precious I love them so much.

P much all of these characters are ADHD/Autistic bc,, I play them but Jared was the first that I intentionally played that way and as such has consistent hyperfixations and special interests (Namely Tangled, Mulan, Fall out boy, and most of all, spiderman) so I really love that about him.

And, last, but definitely not least, is the chaos son himself Seth

(tungle will only let me use ten photos and I don't like his character sheet anyway so only outfit ref for him akjsdfasdj. As a quick rundown, his full name is Seth Laurens, he's 4'11, he's trans and gay, he's got adhd, autism, and ptsd, and he is a bastard)

Seth is probably the most recent out of any of these characters tbh? I only started getting really into him as a character over the past year or two but god... He's fucking fantastic. Pure chaos. ADHD embodiment.

Seth just has so much energy and rage and very little impulse control, he's constantly wrecking shop and not even meaning too. He's a tiny 4'11 himbo, not a fucking braincell in his lil head. He's very awkward and bad at making relationships but he tries so hard and once he does he latches on so hard to people and just loves them so much. He doesn't really think he's worthy of being cared about most of the time tho

He still has plenty of, sometimes unearned, confidence though. Nothing can stop this stubborn boy once he puts his mind to somethin he's fucking GOING. I love him.

But yeah!! Those are my boys!!! If you wanna learn more abt em I've got a lot more information and stuff on their toyhouses bc I have a,, hyperfixation on my ocs and I can never stop thinking about them. Thank you so much for letting me ramble a bit Tea!!! I really appreciate it ssfdiasask

[yeebles-writes-shit]

about them themes in my wip...

this is just me rambling about the themes in my WIP (memories, running from one’s past, melancholy) so imma include a Readmore for you beautiful people

so earlier today the folks at the Screaming Writers Incorporated server (clicky name for invite) were talking about themes in writing, and how like - you don’t wanna force it, and just. let it grow organically first, before you shape it into a proper theme in the second draft

naturally as the night shift sucker i missed the entirety of the party, but it did get me thinking about my WIP again. i’ve talked about it with MANY folks before (in fact there’s a chance you might already know this), but i might as well ramble it here before going back to finishing my campaign’s AU fanfic thing to post here the whole concept that OGNW is built on is the idea of just, people continuing to live their lives after the apocalypse. and i wanted it to be a sorta light and fluffy kinda work, but i mean we’re talking about the APOCALYPSE, it ain’t gonna be a light and fluffy thing so it wasn’t. instead it grew into this story that was just, at its core, incredibly melancholic. the entire cast is overshadowed by their past, which shouldn’t be haunting them anymore because the crisis is over and done and resolved. the story starts out with the core cast already living the found family trope. they’re at the end of the story. their journey has technically ended

but it hasn’t.

instead there’s still survivor’s guilt to deal with, there’s still trauma to deal with, and it’s resulted in a story whose primary forward momentum stems from the past catching up to the present, and how the characters tackle and deal with that, and how THAT weight affects them in the present as well

so the end result is the entire cast communicating with each other like they’re really close, and they are close and you can see that in how they trust each other, which gives me so much more room to play with what they’re not saying to, what they’re keeping from each other, and how there’s holes in this fabric of friendship they all have

which means just watching the cast carefully navigate around those holes, because although they know those holes exist, nobody (out of politeness and trust and respect) wants to ask why they’re there, what is inside them, and what caused them, and it’s an equilibrium that can’t last forever - so many character threads are intertwined with each other that it’s, in at least one character’s case, choking them entirely (metaphorically)

there’s also the fact that, just. everyone’s walking with one foot in memory, and it expresses itself in the narrative style as well? i’ve never written anything like this for my other projects. it’s very dreamy, very surreal - very little is grounded, so when it happens it’s like sharp moments of clarity. otherwise most of the time you’re looking through someone’s tinted glasses - it’s a question of who’s glasses, and what colour

anyway i still need to finish the first draft and then fix up the weird pacing and bad structural issues, but this is such an interesting thing that’s grown out of the original seed that i’ve planted, and i can’t wait to see where it goes next

[norcumii]

Reblogged from the prior tumbl, originally posted 02/04/2016. Question submitted by @makiruz. Slightly reformatted to avoid a readmore cut and whatnot.

In Full of Sith, they always ask new guests how they got into Star Wars. And you know? That's a good question, how did you got into Star Wars?

HEH. Oooh, that’s a bit of a loaded question. So I’ll give you the short answer, which I suspect would fit the thing you mentioned what I haven’t heard of; and then because I’m a wordy bastard what overshares, the long answer which is more accurate and has content warnings for self harm and suicide.

SHORT ANSWER

It was the 80’s. I was young, in single digits, though I couldn’t tell you exactly what age. I was already dealing with an irregular sleep cycle, though all I knew was I had a flashlight, a pile of books near/on my bed, and a thick pound puppies duvet to read under.

I don’t know if I was in my room or on my way to/from the bathroom, but I could hear my parents watching something downstairs. Swooshy noises, a shrill screee, and some thwoom bzzts.

Of course I went downstairs.

I don’t know if it was episode 5 or 6. I’ve a fondness for 6, but carbonite left a HUGE fucking impression on me, and my parents have always approved of muppets, so Yoda.

I knew I loved it. I didn’t have any toys, though I think somewhere there was a print edition of A New Hope running around. I do recall multiple sleepovers at my grandmother’s place – a tiny house on acres and acres of woods – and she’d sometimes pull out Return of the Jedi and we’d watch it together on her tiny TV. Later on I’d be in bed, staring out at woods and trees that I knew, but seemed huge to a little kid, and I’d dream of Ewoks.

RotJ was Gram’s favorite, and for many years mine, too.

I like Ewoks.

VERY LONG ANSWER

TW: mental illness, depression, self harm, suicide, abuse

In late elementary, early middle school, my brother and I were basically reading ANYTHING we could get our hands on. He sometimes dove into books that didn’t interest me, so I’d read the first of something and then be bored and he’d keep going.

Star Wars EU was one of those. It was too grim for me. I think I didn’t run into any of the really good writers. It was all Han and Luke and Leia on the covers, so take that for what you will. There also was no Wookiepeia, so I was depending heavily on the writers’ abilities to convey things to someone very visual, yet pretty impatient with descriptions, so it never took.

I was in high school when The Phantom Menace came out. Mine honorable brother was off at college, so it was with great excitement on my part, and bemused tolerance on my parents’, that they and I went off to the theater.

On the one hand, I was dazzled.

On the other, there was Jar Jar. There was the fact that I hadn’t been impressed with the re-release of the OT – Han shot first. FITE ME. There was the fact that TPM didn’t feel like Star Wars, which was darker and grittier and…simpler to me.

So I wrote it off. Packed Star Wars away as “one of those things” that I’d been into, but felt like I was moving past. I was obsessed with Gargoyles, I was looking at going to college, and I would keep m’damn ewoks without needing to try to extend that vision with gungans.

College sucked. I went in, not sure if I wanted to go into English, for writing, or Psych, because I had always been what I’d now call The Mom Friend. I met a nice guy who tried, but things never really clicked between us, and there was an interesting bit that he was mad about Star Wars and insisted that I read the Rogue Squadron books.

That was a Good Decision. Dating him, not so much.

I had a huge assortment of Life Issues. Got into an abusive relationship that would end up lasting 14 years. Transferred schools. Got the fucking Psych degree, though literally only by the grace of a professor who didn’t want to see the kid not graduate just ‘cause she couldn’t numbers and I did go in and try. Talked to him and still couldn’t with the maths but the effort was there to bump me a few points above failing.

I was burnt out. I was depressed. I tried killing myself a few times – not very good at it, as you can see. Took up self-harm as a coping mechanism. Failed in the still never successful search for a decent therapist in Pittsburgh. Got a job slinging food, because needed some kind of income, and people without pressure was nice. The keeping on a schedule thing failed, leading to an average of 4 hours sleep a night. Losing contact with family and friends because I couldn’t stand the pressure of “how are you?” and “what’s going on in your life?” Clinging to Warcraft because repetitively farming was better than clawing open my back or neck again, and the people there were ok with some rando dropping out of sight on a dime, and only a persistent few had the grace and spirit to make it past some serious defensive issues of mine.

I stopped writing. Stopped caring about Gargoyles, stopped being able to see into that AU I’d made for myself of a crazy clan and the weird human who survived cancer with them.

Stopped going on IM, for the same reasons I stopped talking to people.

I still kept track of some folks via LiveJournal. A handful of the Gargoyles folks who were determined, gods know why and thank you, since I know several are here on the tumbles and I genuinely love you to bits.

I quit my job after five years, because enough was enough between the fact that it had all the hallmarks of an abusive relationship and I was fucking tired of being a manager without any actual authority, and the endless hamster wheel of hiring and people quitting because it was a nice, but highly dysfunctional place.

I missed the customers, though. Several of them are here too, and it’s kinda funny ‘cause I know in at least one case I talked to them about Star Wars. I still hope they’re not too shellshocked that I kinda went down the rabbit hole pretty deep.

Started getting more sleep. Not less anxiety, not less depressed. Tried out a few depression medications, with very mixed results.

Then one day @dogmatix came into the LJ area I still hung out in. Enthusiastically recommending to all and sundry that if there is even a shred of interest in Star Wars, THERE IS THIS THING YOU SHOULD READ.

She drew a Wookiee. That was a character?

I’d always liked Wookiees.

And I needed something to read.

Star Wars was one of those things, from back in the day before things went to shit. Low investment, since if I didn’t like it or didn’t care, then eh. Whatevs.  Dogmatix was one of the Gargs holdouts still in my circle (or whatever it is that I was hovering at the edges of), and in the past I’d liked her recommendations more often than I disliked them.

I’m also endlessly weak to her art.

Wookiee.

So I did that thing. That so many of us here have done. It took me about 2 weeks to get through Re-Entry. It had trouble taking root in the depression, but Obi-Wan going crackers was something I could empathize with and appreciate.

There was the hope that had been missing from the EU novels I’d tried reading back in the day.

There was Wookieepedia, which meant I could stop and see what a Nautolan was. I had tabs open for DAYS so when someone named Adi or Gallia who were apparently the same person? I could see who that was. I got stupidly distressed that Abella didn’t have an entry, until I twigged and checked for a Chitanook, and holy shit I could never tell what character was going to crop up as canon, obscure EU character, or home brewed.

I honestly expected to set it aside, get updates as they happened, and gradually step away because that’s how things were going at the time.

But I still needed something to read, to stave off empty hours when my brain was too full of screaming.

On Ebon Wings. I’d loved The Crow when I’d seen it back in high school, and that story tapped into the powerful visuals and the lovely message I’d adored and in ways I still don’t quite understand it somehow validated that I could be mad and still be ok. Maybe. Maybe not now, but someday.

Maybe.

So I gave in and got a Tumbl. I’d been a stubborn holdout, regularly checking the same half dozen feeds daily because dammit, I don’t wanna go through the trouble and I was close to giving up on LJ and another journaly thing? That was stupid. But I wanted to follow Flamethrower and Dogmatix, and it made it infinitely easier to follow several blogs (and oh GODS one of those is a mutual and holy fuck I swear I screamed the day that happened and it’s still a high to realize).

Dogmatix wrote Möbius and Accidental Timeshare, wherein Venge goes universe hopping. That’s also a weakness of mine.

I’d been kvetching IRL about the treadmill and wanting something to watch, and someone mentioned in Dogmatix’s feed The Clone Wars – which conveniently was on Netflix. So I figured what the hell. I was disinclined to like clones – ‘cause yeesh, they’re the reason the Jedi all died, and yeah, ok, the Order was SERIOUSLY FUCKED UP, but.

I still had never seen Episodes 2 or 3.

I turned on the Clone Wars movie, and within ten minutes I nearly fell off the back of the treadmill due to crying.

THIS was the Star Wars of my youth. THIS was what I remembered. A little grim. Lots of quips.

That sound. Lightsabers igniting. A-wings rumbling overhead. Blasterfire, and that music.

I had to stop and calm down and for the first time in ages WRITE [, because I just had to ramble about how it all hit me in the feels]. I had no idea I’d missed this.

By the end of the movie I’d decided ok, I wanted more. Wasn’t sold on these clone fellas, and damned if I could tell one set of armor from another (this is ALSO due to the treadmill screen being calibrated to be a compromise of a very short person – me – and a very tall person, which means neither person gets a decent view but that’s not what the treadmill tv is for).

I’d been told there was an order to the episodes, but I didn’t care. Continuity is for those who think about the future, and I was still regularly suicidal.

So the first episode I watched was Yoda romping around a planet, playing with droids while three clone troopers tried to babysit his mad little ass.

They had me, all in one episode. I loved these guys. They had individuality, I could tell them apart by the voices (which is sometimes just as important to me as visuals) even if I couldn’t name them, and the personalities –

They were loyal. Their primary concern was old batty Yoda which I had adored as a child because MUPPETS. They were willing to die to keep him safe and there was this lovely reciprocity in taking care of each other and all of them, clones and Jedi alike were doomed to extinction and I don’t think I knew yet HOW the clones were except they weren’t in the OT so there was shit going down.

Tragic figures, loyal found family, incredible voice acting, Batty Old Yoda who OH YEAH FUCKING KICKED SO MUCH ASS I COULD NEVER GET ENOUGH.

I wanted to keep those three clones. I was willing to keep them all.

Final blow, that knocked me into the fandom so hard I’ll be surprised if I ever leave?

THIS.

The origins of Balance. This is the post that started a simple notion, to try to write something when I’d gone….anywhere from 7 to 10 years of not writing A SINGLE. DAMNED. THING of substance – and that was after thinking I might try to get a degree related to it.

Darth Wraith was a tentative idea. I was scared @deadcatwithaflamethrower would be irked I wanted to play in her sandbox (oh my gods I was inserting myself into a conversation with her this amazing person who wrote blindingly well and so damn much and how the FUCK was I daring to speak up about a silly half DREAM I’d had because once again I couldn’t sleep).

Then, because I was trying to break out of the depression, the cycles of mental ill health, and if I was on this tumbls thing, fuck it, I’d try the IM thing again.

I’d been gone long enough that pretty much no one on my contact list was still there. That…was ok. There wasn’t the pressure.

And Dogmatix popped on, asking if I wanted to share details about this Sith Qui-Gon thing.

I had A SCENE. ONE. SCENE. And she was spinning it off into this EPIC, which at first I was gleeful because she had neat ideas and I couldn’t wait to see what she would do with it and then wait, she’s not talking about writing it herself, this is more about something WE could work on.

Thank gods it was IM, because I had a little panic about commitment to a project when I regularly was sure I wasn’t going to see tomorrow and if I didn’t wake up one morning that’d be MORE than ok.

Still. There was that itch. The visuals in my brain. The characters I’d started to like in Flamethrower’s universe, which had formed my mental voices for them.

The only sound in my head for so long was just screaming.

Writing down that scene in Knock On Effect, where Venge meets Wraith – that felt good. It never changed much from the first draft to what was posted. The rest grew, and quickly. It was clear if we were doing this, then there were multiple stories, spanning in universe years.

And then there were spinoffs. Wonderful ideas and plots spiraling away from this one notion, and gods I wanted to write about those glorious clones.

How’d I get into Star Wars?

Chance. One strange little step at a time, and a bunch of miracles and horrors that kept me bleeding but not dying. Damn good fic. The kindness of friends. The generosity of strangers.

The tragedy of a once great order of space monks, and their allies-forced-to-be-betrayers clones.

One little picture, of Qui-Gon Jinn with Sith eyes.

[bellskit]

A small sigh ghosted its way past Todoroki’s lips, his eyes shut tightly. He had figured that going to the holiday party held at UA was a good way to make friends and socialize, the way he had always been told to do, but he ended up standing in the corner as far away from the bright lights and loud music as possible. He had even worn something slightly fancy in an attempt to impress people but as soon as he had arrived he sidled his way to the dimly lit corner, so it was a waste regardless.  

“Hey! Todoroki!” The low shout caused his eyes to snap open as he saw Midoriya’s arms waving at him as he made his way to the corner he had officially claimed as his own. “It’s kinda loud out there,” Midoriya said breathlessly as he leaned against the wall next to the taller boy.

Shouto nodded, watching Midoriya out of the corner of his eyes. “I’ve been over here. This corner isn’t bad, but it’s slightly chilly.” His voice was low and soft, and Midoriya felt a blush rise up over his cheeks at the sound. No matter how many times he heard his voice, the way it made his stomach become a butterfly sanctuary would never fail to shock him.  

Midoriya hummed softly under his breath. “Wanna share my scarf? Might warm you up some! Unless of course you don’t want to, that’s fine too there’s no pressure but it’s pretty big which means its optimal for sharing but I know not everyone is up for that sort of thing but it could help to warm up your neck and cheeks some and-”  Todoroki’s mouth pulled up slightly at the corners, just enough that in the dim lighting Midoriya couldn’t tell if he was really seeing it. “Sure.” Shouto moved closer to him, allowing Midoriya to wrap the scarf around him. He rubbed his thumb over the soft material, enjoying the feeling of it immensely. He and Midoriya stood there the rest of the party, Shouto rubbing the scarf and Midoriya rambling. It was one of the most peaceful nights of Todoroki’s life. 

[inthemurder]

Sorry for all the ooc posts, I’ll stop soon, but... well, there’s some things I kinda wanna talk about right now and I have no where else to go so... sorry. Thanks for putting up with me.

Few warnings before the readmore, warnings for anxiety, medication, emotional abuse,

So, I’ve tried not to talk about this here, cause I don’t like bogging my blog down with my personal shit, but... I feel like I need to get my thoughts out a bit.

So, story time first. Basically, I’ve been on an antipsychotic for over half a year now. It was meant to help my depression, since my antidepressants weren’t working well, and was also meant to stop the minor hallucinations I was experiencing. I thought it was working, but... well, it was mostly just suppressing my emotions, which my mom pointed out when I visited her this summer. Sometimes you need someone to point these things out, you know? Anyway, so, I probably shouldn’t have been on those things in the first place, considering they’re some strong shit that shouldn’t be prescribed to people just for depression or minor hallucinations. I couldn’t even see the psychiatrist that prescribed them cause the mental health care system here is so fucked, so she basically just threw them at me and expected to never see me again.

Anyway, so, I’m going off them right now, and things have been hard. For about two months, I’ve been unbearably tired, sleeping from about 4am to 6pm, with a few extra naps in between. The tiredness is starting to clear up, but... now I’m beginning to feel what it’s like to have emotions again and it’s overwhelming. I’m getting anxiety over every tiny thing and I basically have no where to go and I feel like I’m dying.

My family has been no help either. For those who may not know, I live with my great aunt and uncle, while my mother lives in the US and my father lives on the other side of Canada. They try, I guess, but... they’re really emotionally abusive. They have no empathy, they have never once apologised to me for hurting me, if something upsets me they call it foolish (something like the fact that I don’t like to be touched randomly and it causes me to jump and I don’t appreciate it when they laugh), and any time I get a little upset and try to stand up for myself, they ‘accidently’ call me by my mother’s name (who they demonize, like there’s nothing worse then being like her, apparently. They’ve spent years trying to make me hate her, and I did for a long time, but my trip this summer made me realize she’s not the evil person they made her out to be.) Every day I tell myself I need to get out of here, but... I can’t, I have nowhere to go. I can’t leave this city, I have to go to school, but I just... I can’t stand living here. I mean, not long ago I had an anxiety attack and a few days later my aunt mocked me for it! I can’t leave my room without coming to blows and ending up crying. Meanwhile I’m going through hell because of my meds and I just... I can’t take it. I don’t even know where I’m going with this right now. Guess I’m just saying that I’m an anxious mess with little to know support system going through hell right now and please be patient with me. I kinda want to be here cause role playing, especially role playing Henry, really helps me get through these things, which is why I’m kinda desperate to get some threads going (especially with other canon muses, mostly since I really don’t know what to do with oc’s... at least right now. I love oc’s, don’t get me wrong, but I really want to stick to main verse things for the most part. Of course, I’m not discouraging anyone from anything right now. I’m just a mess.)

Anyway, sorry for the rambling mess of a post. I just needed to get some things off my chest and felt like I should explain some things.

[quadratic-shipping]

Kay, new icon is Vriska’s dice cause the gradient was lame, and every Vriska blog halfway to sunday has already had every photo of her face as their icon twice. It also works cause of yknow liking dnd and stuff. one thing I really liked about my last vriska pic one was the negative space made it feel like it popped and I feel like this one has sort of the same thing going for it. Wow, it can be that deep. I’m just rambling cause it’s 3am and yet again I have stayed up this long. I can;t wait til it’s winter again so I can force myself back into a normal sleep schedule. I stayed up all night a couple nights ago, and that gave me one decent night of sleep so I might just try that again tonight. Rest put under the readmore because it’s irrelevant and sleep deprived rambling I wouldn’t dare subject my beautiful followers and browsers to.

While I’m here, posting a late night thing no one will see or interact with; thank god; I was cleaning and I came across one of those neck warmer things that legit just a tube you pull up your face to keep your nose from freezing off because Canada Winters, I never can use them because I always fog up my glasses, and I just wanted to say that Niqabi gals with glasses are so brave? Legit if I had to deal with my glasses fogging up I’d die, I’d rather lose my nose to frostbite than fog them up (like I go outside enough loll) so for them to deal with that everyday is like, legendary. I mean, I guess if you were pretty antisocial you wouldn’t have to deal with it much but still, point totally stands. 

While we’re on the positivity train? Lesbians? y’all really like Vriska HUH? Thank you for interacting, I appreciate, yall are so valid. I’m torn between “You have good taste” jokes and “Yall will just like anything w/ vriska in it” and either way it takes too strong a stance on my own content to feel good about it. Obvs goes the same way for all the NB and Trans ppl interacting, yall are also Excellent and I appreciate yall. Obvs I’m cis so I don’t have any real godtier takes or anything abt. gender, but reading your guyss stuff is excellent please keep making it.

Uh sexuality update; Still labelling as bi, IDK if I really want to date men tho, before I actually and FINALLY get a taste of the other side; please; because I feel like the problem with my relationships re; dudes is just that I can’t just be myself, I’m just 900000% in my own head about it and not even like; trying to be idealized, idk whats going on I just have a hard time connecting w/ them and it’s defo my fault so idk bro. IDK it’s fun to have crushes but dating is BORING from my very limited experience with only guys which is why a gf would be excellent. Or girl aligned partner. I feel like maybe what I’m attracted to is like, femininity, not necessarily femmes or women. IDK bruh it’s weird. doesn’t help I can’t even figure out how to get and keep friends LOLLL it’s 3am. Sorry

Honestly before I started vrisrose posting I felt so useless yknow cause in the vriska circles there are a lot of intelligent people who understand canon better and are overall smarter and better spoken so I just felt like everything I had to say was just old hat and not very interesting. But the thing I like about VrisRose is no one else is talking about it as frequently ( I was searching the tag and my blog came up in the recco’s for blogs up top and I was very happy) so I feel like, hey, this is my niche. That one engineer of useless inventions quote: The best way to become top of your field is to specialize:, I jsut love rarepairs so much! I think it’s such a great way to approach character analysis because no one exists in a vaccum so seeing peoples interactions and what people like is so fun!!!! I say, invalidating all my personal issues lollll

CHARACTER ANALYSIS! FUCK TALKING ABOUT INTERACTIONS OR ACTIONS ON THEIR OWN OR THOUGHTS OR HC’S, I STAND BY MY ONE TAAKO ‘vriska did nothing wrong’ QUOTE; Trying to understand what characters morals, and their opinions on certain things by analyzing their opinions and interactions in canon is 500x more productive seeming to me than other things. Like, say taako’s thoughts about vriska, V and Lucretia are p similar actions wise, and he was pissed at her but that was mostly cause of the personal connections, when it doesn’t affect him Taako doesn’t seem to have any moral objections to any of the icky moral stuff; think robot planet or whatevs where they were gonna genocide the place and lup was like no and that was like the only reason he didn’t I’m pretty sure, I’m not too big brained on taako or adventurezone either so don’t take my word; So I think that Taak’s would be chill with Vriska. Another thing? The Lucretia thing was like, giving up which Taako is not ok with and Vriska thigns were about not giving up so I do legit think he would be totally coool with her, even if she were real, unless obvs she hurt one of the seven bird red robe people and their new friends.

ISN;T THAT SUCH A FUN METHOD OF CHARACTER ANALYSIS? I’m not drunk or in an altered state just tired enthusiastic and with a lot of pent up thoughts. Speaking of which, this song just came on it’s “Slowdance with you” by the Marcus Hedges Trend Orchestra and it is SOOOOO good, it’s on a vrisrezi playlist I put on bc I’m rereading song of the pyre because it was vriska day and it’s super good soo so good. It’s on loop now, legit best

Quick detours before I lay out some more hs thoughts; 

Overwatch:

-Ben “Captainplanet” came out w/ a new article and I LOVE IT so much and I want hhis job so bad I wanna get into stats so much ahhh  please so good it’s giving me a , this is crude but it’s the best way I can phrase it, a math erection. I love math so much <33333333

-The Shock, my faves, are doing well and I’m happy for them! I hope they go 7-0, I believe in them! I’m lying I am so fucking nervous for literally every match they have they’re gonna 2-5 AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH Why am I so INVESTED? They technically could take first spot but that’s require titan’s to lose every match left and the shock to 7-0, but the thing is I thought that I wanted that but 

-then I watched the titans london match today, and I HATED the thought of titans losing. And losing so hard to other teams too, and I didn’t realize this but I think I do actually kinda like the titans?The thought of them not being a great team makes me sad. I think it’s like I really like them and shock as rivals, yknow, stage one and two, then this upcoming map? If Titans aren’t still Good in this meta it just sorta makes their rivalry not fun. Kismesis vibes is what I’m gonna say cause I’m TRASSSHHHHH pls stop my terrible hands from typing also if I ever saw actual ship stuff I would kill whoever made it. Like I’m not gonna check their socials or anything but if they’ve got a match against most teams I’d probs root for them. The Wolf section today was so funny lollll

-I think I might hate the London Spitfire. I have literally no reason to? I think all the players are good and I like them as people and I would never actively hate on them? But I’m like. Really mean to them in my head. I was so satisfied seeing htem lose to Florida, and Titans like IDK? Also they’re hella overrated so anticlutch jfc. Hate the franchise, love the players if that makes sense. IDK WHYYYYYYYYYYY

-Also I’m gonna miss tomorrows shock match and I’m so scared rip.

Misc: 

-Tripped backwards and somehow upturned my moms glass scale and it fell on my foot, that shit hurted.

-Oh My God I’m Projecting a million different things right now because I feel like this will not have an audience if you see this I’m begging you please don’t interact I’d die of embarassment keep the fact you’ve seen this a secret from me

HS:

-JFC song of the pyre is an excellent fic, I wish it would ever get updated it’s so fucking good guys

-I need to read more vrisrezi long form

-Non-sgrub vrisrezi is best vrisrezi

-My ideal Vrisrezi au would be like HS canon, diverge into non-sgrub and they completely fall out of touch, Killing Eve season 1, then Song of the Pyre. THAT is what I want.

-Killing eve season one and two would be an even BETTER VRISROSE AU AHHHHHH

-I once read a very good trollstuck rose but it was an eri-rose ship so basically what I want is that persons troll rose but paired with vriska. For how much I blog about it I’ve read very little vrisrose fic but almost everything I know comes from this fic. . Oh uh this is not the erirose fic that I read w trollstuck although it does unfortunately have erirose but I can excuse it when the vrisrose is this Excellent

Alright I’ve run out of hyper juice, have a nice night, sorry for posting thisssss

bye