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jensthwa · 10 months ago

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mountebank chem pt. one (JYH x reader).

part of the love's an uncharted path universe ★.

SUMMARY:

* 𝐦𝐨𝐮𝐧𝐭𝐞𝐛𝐚𝐧𝐤: 𝐭𝐨 𝐛𝐞𝐠𝐮𝐢𝐥𝐞 𝐨𝐫 𝐭𝐫𝐚𝐧𝐬𝐟𝐨𝐫𝐦 𝐛𝐲 𝐭𝐫𝐢𝐜𝐤𝐞𝐫𝐲. The first time you met Yunho, you knew he was going to be part of the biggest tragedy of your life: the loss of your freedom, of your free will. You didn't know why back then but what you did figure out is that you and Jeong Yunho were going to, eventually and very publicly, date each other at some point. Is that reason enough to hate his guts? Well, of course! Now, when the time comes to fulfill the prophecy, how the hell are you going to pull it off? And, most importantly, what do you need to do to not fall in love with him in the process?

PAIRING: rich!yunho x rich!reader.

GENRE: enemies to friends to lovers.

WORD COUNT: 9,7k.

WARNINGS: eventual SMUT ☽ (MINORS DNI) attempt !!! at comedy, crying, mentions of drinking and drug usage, mature language, petty behavior, insults, yunho and reader really hate each other i fear, pet names (princess), negative mentions of body image, panic attacks/panic disorder, negative??? (or so they think) tension. no smut on this part, it's an introduction to these two characters, their families and the chaos they bring to poor yunho's and readers life.

NOTES: hi everyone! i know i posted the hwa fic ten days ago or so, but i wanted to get started with this mini series that is PART OF THE LOVE'S AN UNCHARTED PATH / SHOW & TELL UNIVERSE. there's mentions of the last installment plot so, if you're new around here, you can always find the rest of the stories on my masterist! this is 100% self indulgent, as all fics should be, and i think i've re-read it so many times that if you find a typo or something that just doesn't make sense, you can blame it on english not being my first language i guess lmao. i hope you enjoy it and if you do feel free to send to my askbox/reblog/type in any feedback or thoughts! <3

POSTED: september 14th 2024.

permanent taglist: @hotteokkay, @potatomountain, @fairylover68, @e3ellie, @alsomimi

masterlist. - part two - part three.

A trembling finger is all you can see in the still dim light of the room.

It's quiet, very quiet. You haven't heard anything but your thoughts all night. It grosses you out, so you wait for the clock to turn to six and press the button you've been hovering on for, at least, half an hour.

Park Seonghwa is your only hope right now.

The conversation doesn't go as planned.

“No, I will not go to the party with you and no, I will not pretend to be your boyfriend.”

Not even your great pitch could've turned him around to help you. Sighing, you replay the conversation in your pounding head.

“This is very inconvenient for me but I hope you and the cool girl I saw yesterday are happy together… Even if it ruins my happiness forever!”

Your happiness was probably ruined the day you were born. Sighing again, you turn to the window.

It’s raining.

You didn’t notice until you ended the call that was, if you’re being honest with yourself, your last resource.

Brain rotting away the entire night, wine drunk and edible high, you didn’t even notice the rain accompanied you through your misery.

The sound of the droplets hitting your studio window and the sun trying to break through the gloomy clouds adds insult to injury: You’re running out of time.

Any time now, your mother is going to call you up to let you know you’re possibly getting promised tonight. Not engaged, but promised and presented.

Like you’re some sort of property your parents can give away.

Nails connecting with your glass desk, the noise syncs up with the rain pattering on your window sill and, to your tired mind, it also mimics the tic-tacking an old clock would make.

You figured, if you show up with someone on your arm tonight, they might finally leave you alone.

And not marry you off to Jeong Yunho.

There’s not enough hours in the day to plan a perfect escape, there’s not enough will left inside you to reach out to someone else and make everything seem genuine, organic, like you’ve known each other for years and kept it a secret all this time.

There's not enough time to save yourself.

Because there's this… unspoken agreement you’ve known about since you were eight.

Your parents and Yunho’s parents are friends. Your mom went to school with his mom and your dad met his dad when they were teenagers and they all got married off respectively because it was what worked for their families at the time so, after hearing the superficial love story at the age of seven, you knew you were going to meet the same fate eventually.

And the next year, you met Yunho.

He was an hyperactive little kid with a lot of energy and facts about the earth you didn’t care to listen to because the second you started playing with him in his huge backyard and turned to check if your mother was watching you, you realized that was not a casual playdate.

Smiling ear to ear, both your mother and his, it signaled to you that it has started.

Your planned love story with Jeong Yunho had sailed smoothly in their eyes and there was nothing you could do about it.

Naturally, you have hated him since then. But you were taught etiquette and were media trained since you turned three and could form complete sentences, so your hatred only really showed when you two were alone.

Turns out, he didn’t really care if you liked him or not.

He’s always been good at pretending as well.

That chirpy personality, kindness and humbleness he exudes in front of everyone else? An act.

And you were proud of yourself when you saw right through his bullshit when you were both eleven and left alone so he could show you around their new, bigger house.

Gone too soon was that child who wanted to teach you about worms in his backyard and in its place there was this distant tween who’s smile disappeared as soon as your mothers were out of sight.

“Listen, I don’t know why we’re being forced to hang out but I don’t like you.”

Dumb kid.

“Good, because I don't like you either but they can’t find that out.”

He scoffed, crossing his arms and frowning at you “I’m planning on telling mommy that you… chased me around with a knife or something, so she can see how psycho you actually are and stop forcing me to be around you!”

Eyes lighting up, that was the first time you saw a possible escape from all of this “You think that would actually work?”

Annoyed and a little freaked out, Yunho pointed at the smirk on your lips “See? That’s exactly what I mean: Psycho.”

And you both only grew hostile at each other since then. Sure, saving face in front of your parents and older siblings was necessary to not get scolded and revoked of your privileges (and you actually liked to be alone with him, only if it meant you could take a break from your mother and her judging gaze), but pretending to like Yunho proved to be more difficult than what you had imagined.

Especially when you both outgrew the phase where you tried anything and everything under the sun to piss the other off. Not so harmless pranks were pulled and the petty behavior got you both in trouble with your oldest brothers a couple of times but, no matter how hard you tried, it never “accidentally” got to your mother. Or his, for that matter.

So when you two stopped trying to get your point across and grew cold towards one another, that's when it got really ugly. Vile words cut through both of your egos harshly, family vacations that include his were uncomfortable and holidays were your personal hell.

December thirty-first and January first have always felt like purgatory. Christmas was always spared because you have family living on the other side of the world who you travel to see every year but it's never truly enjoyable when you know that, in the next couple of days after that, you'll see his dumb face.

But you have always smiled brightly at him and hugged him when he comes in with his unnecessary luggage at your home. You hold his arm and bat your eyelashes when you know your mom is watching from a distance and it all but confuses him every single time.

Remembering the time you both were thirteen and you went through very sudden puberty makes you smile. The look on his face when your kitty heels helped show how tall you got over the summer was fantastic.

“Look at what the cat brought in!” Scrunching your nose and squeezing his cheeks in fake affection, you noticed it took a lot for him to not swat your hands away.

But you also remember noticing that he was blushing when you pulled away.

“You look like a very ugly giant,” he whispered with a smile, matter of factly and all “It doesn't really suit you.”

He was a pain in the ass. A manageable pain in the ass, but a pain nonetheless.

It all took a wrong turn when he caught up on your mothers plans by age fifteen. By that age, you've known for a while and the mercy you had on him, on explaining everything you believed to be true, was simply a way of keeping everything at arm's length from you.

The second he put two and two together, your guesses had automatically turned into a possible reality you couldn't cope with.

A reality that's about to hit you in the face and leave a bruise that doesn't really go with your polished image.

The rain picks up and you close your eyes in hopes of coming up with a new idea.

It only makes your headache worse.

You really should get going with your day.

There's appointments you need to get to, meetings you have to fill the space in because your brother is going to fail to show up as usual and you have to get your hair and make-up done for tonight.

You really shouldn't be crying right now.

Are you even allowed to cry?

Your fate was probably decided the day you were born, five months and a few days after Yunho.

“Shit.”

Sobbing is useless, so you get in the shower. You do your skincare routine and plan the outfit you're going to wear to the office while you cover your eyebags and try to make it look seamless, natural even.

If the struggle shows up in your face, you're going to get yelled at downstairs.

Living with your parents might be a bigger nightmare than getting presented with Yunho tonight but there's really nothing you can do about that, either.

Working in their company, gaining connections through them and being praised by simply having your last name attached to your first makes you completely useless when faced with a situation where you simply want to tell your mom to fuck off.

“Y/N, I hope you already weighed down the options for the dress you're wearing tonight,” is what greets you when you enter the dining room, breakfast laid out perfectly across the table both your parents sit at. She's glancing at you in warning “And I hope you know that the navy blue dress is the best option. It's on theme and it's classy, it shows your figure too.”

Fuck off.

You might've been taught a bunch of things while growing up in this tinsel bubble but never ever were you taught how to stand up for yourself.

It shows in the way you nod and smile and sit down on your designated spot next to your dad and in front of your mom.

“Navy dress it is, ma'am.”

The nod she gives in approval makes you nauseous. At least she's not saying anything about Yunho.

“Excellent choice, dear.”

You swallow the food on your pre-portioned plate with a tight throat and, after sipping your black coffee, you turn to your dad.

Feeling a little delirious on lack of sleep and a little bold, especially when it comes to work related matters, you take the opportunity to press on the other thing that kept bothering you the entire night.

“Father—”

He sees right through you.

“No, Y/N. It's not an open discussion, the deal is signed and sealed.”

“It's not a smart choice.”

“Kim Y/N!” slamming her utensils down on the table and making everything shake in the process, you barely flinch at your mothers warning “Are you calling your father dumb?”

“No, of course I'm not,” you defend yourself immediately, the softness in your voice hanging by a thread because all you want to do is scream at her to stop putting words in your mouth “All I'm saying is that he's too generous. That company is not profitable and he gave them half a floor in the building and an initial investment that's going to backfire,” you calmly explain to her what you told him the day before “There’s not really a market for physical media anymore.”

“And they're trying to bring it back,” your father returns, his eyes never straining from his food “I think it's a great idea. You said a couple of months ago that eighties and nineties style is coming back.”

“As a trend,” you remind him with a tight smile “And trends tend to die down rather quickly.”

“Sukwon approved it,” he finally looks up and his next words have you biting your tongue bitterly “You don't have a say on the final decision and you know it.”

Damn right you fucking know it.

“Are we clear on that?”

Glancing at your mother, you notice how she's picking on her food to try and avoid sticking up for you. Not that she normally would but you think, as the years pass, the mistreatment must give her some sort of guilty feeling she can only escape if she avoids your eyes.

Straightening your spine, you fix your face and smile with fake acceptance “Yes, sir.”

The tinsel bubble brings in unnecessary amounts of money and privilege, but it doesn't really save you from tradition and misogyny.

Sukwon is the firstborn, after all.

He's also a complete fucking idiot.

You love him a lot, but he's completely useless when it comes to this business.

Although trained separately and for completely different positions, you always paid close attention to the company.

You studied hard, you graduated early at the top of your class and went to business school as soon as you were able to. You even got to be valedictorian last year at your graduation and even then you knew you weren't getting your father's role once he took a step back from being the face of the company.

But you couldn't help but wish.

Wishing and imagining was your way of coping with it. What if you were born a boy instead? You surely wouldn't be in this predicament.

What if your brother wasn't pampered the way he was growing up? You surely didn't have to step in to save appearances with your employees.

Your day to day would probably flow so much smoothly if he actually wanted to do his job like he should.

Heels clacking on the marble floor, you strut the hallway into his office to aggravate your headache just a bit more: The space is a mess and when you glance at the tree you started to paint on his wall when he asked you to help him quietly turn the space around but never got to finish it brings your mind to the man who declined your offer this morning.

And the clock in your mind starts ticking again, faster and louder this time.

Sukwon’s voice comes out of a corner in the big office, behind some piled up boxes “Well that's not good.”

Snapping out of it and turning to him, you cock your head to the side “What is it?”

“You,” he comes out of his hiding spot, suit barely ironed and hair a little messy which makes you cringe “Usually, you complain as soon as you close that door,” he points at it with a tiny and concerned smile “So now I'm worried they cloned and replaced you, sis.”

“Well, you made a mistake yesterday and there's nothing I can do now to cover it up so,” raising your arms before tossing your purse on the free loveseat that serves as his lounging area, you sigh “Nothing to complaint about today, except—” you squint your eyes, making a show of pretending to be thinking about it “Oh! I'm probably getting married off tonight.”

The fake happiness laced in your tone makes your brother scoff. He walks to his desk, sitting down on his chair and shaking his head in disapproval.

“It's not an engagement, Y/N. It's more of a… Public relations matter.”

“Oh, so you agree with it?” Blood pressure skyrocketing, you quickly make your way across the space until you stand in front of him “You're fine with it?!”

“Don't act like you didn't already know this was going to happen eventually,” leaning back, he gives you an apologetic look. That's how you know there's nothing he can do about it either “Jeong Tech is the largest investor, or primary partner and basically the first big successful business we helped to launch here.”

The explanation is unnecessary. You know. You know he knows you know.

“And after the stocks falling over that little… Hiccup they had last year—”

“The selling clients information hiccup.” You recall with a tight smile.

Sukwon gulps.

“Yes, that, they need to rekindle their image with the press and, in the process, we gain a few reputation points in the market by association. You know how this works,” looking away for a moment, he bites the inside of his cheek before pressing on “And you two are loved and shipped by everyone online already. Grandmas swoon at the potential TVN drama they could make about your love story.”

What fucking love story?

It's more like a gruesome, slashy horror movie to you.

“Okay, is that why they don't marry me to Gunho instead?”

“No, Y/N, they don't marry you off to Gunho because he's in love and soon to be engaged to a complete nobody,” he responds right away with a shrug “Besides, you and Yunho—”

“We hate each other. We—”

“Now, I wouldn't say that—”

“—Completely and utterly despise one another. He's the unwanted dirt under my Louis Vuitton heel, he's the bee I want to kill but can't because they are needed for the environment,” you continue without taking a breath “He's somehow needed to this environment,” meaning the company “Although he's attending a public university and detaches himself from his responsibilities because he already has a brother who actually takes care of it all, unlike me!”

Sukwon doesn't seem hurt at that and you're annoyed he's not. That he knows you well enough to know you're trying to sink your claws into his pride because yours is flat lining as the minutes pass.

That does nothing but fuel your anger.

“Unlike me,” you repeat “Who has to take care of your responsibilities because you are too busy playing renovation simulator in your stupid office to attend your meetings! Because if you did attend them you would know yesterday’s decision was a mistake and—”

“There it is!”

“—You're going to cost us millions of won for nothing.”

Sukwon sighs and the way he scowls at the scattered papers on his desk lets you know he's not about to entertain this conversation any longer.

For the third time today, you are about to lose. And you're a sore loser.

“You're not getting engaged,” he reminds you, standing up and fixing his hair with his hand, his expression kind and sweet like you didn't just yell at him “You don't have to marry Yunho.”

You scoff “For now.”

“Or never, if you don't want to,” rounding his desk, Sukwon pats your head softly like you're a child “Just pretend for a bit and then let him break your heart publicly so that the media doesn't treat you like a stoned hearted bitch.”

“I am a stoned hearted bitch.”

He shakes his head “You're not but even if you were no one has the right to call you that,” your expression softens and you kind of want to cry at that, but you don't “Except me. Now, we have a meeting to go to, don't we?”

Duty calls, like it always does. Your brother steps away and rushes to the door.

Grabbing your purse and following him out, you fix your own hair in the reflection of the glass separating the cubicles from the hall “Do you even know what it is about?”

He smiles back at you “Nope but you're going to tell me on the way there anyway.”

“I hate you.”

“No, you don't.”

The call comes after the meeting, when the sun is finally breaking fully through the clouds and your headache is starting to go away.

Only to come back in full force once you see Yunho’s face as soon as you make your way to your own living room.

Wearing a formal black blazer with matching trousers and a white shirt, the asshole doesn't even spare a glance at you even when you're sure he knows you just walked in.

The room started to fill with negative energy. He must have felt it, right? But he doesn't show it.

He's on the phone, eyebrows almost melting together as he pays attention to what the person on the line is saying.

“What do you mean he met this girl two days ago?”

Oh, he's gossiping. Your eyes almost meet the back of your skull when you roll them and, with a sigh, you throw your purse at him.

He catches it without making that much of an effort.

Asshole.

“End the call.”

“Wait, wait,” he covers the microphone with his hand and frowns at you instead “Shut it up, princess, this is an important call.”

“Princess? Who are you calling princess?” It's not hard to hear the person on the other line, a poor confused guy, talking back.

“My mother's friend’s daughter,” he shoots back and gives you a tired look, putting the phone to his ear again and signaling you to close your mouth “Anyways, is Seonghwa sure he wants to introduce us to her? Isn't it too soon?”

At the name, you perk up. Gears turn in your head, one by one because you're tired and your machinery probably needs another coffee to oil everything up there, but then it hits you.

That's where you knew Park Seonghwa from.

You were not proud of yourself for letting curiosity tickle you enough to check Yunho’s instagram page merely six months ago. On your burner account, of course, the one with a fake name and fake pictures so that people don't know you stalk them when you're bored.

There's this picture on his finsta where they're all sitting around a bonfire. It looked cozy, like they actually love each other which is a crazy concept for you.

All your friends are fake. Also, the concept of a bonfire is insane. Bugs? Acoustic guitars and careless laughter?

Insane.

But it seemed genuine the first time you saw it and it made you burn with jealousy of a life you could never have.

And in that picture, Yunho was hugging Park Seonghwa.

Huh. You wonder what would've happened if he accepted your proposal earlier today.

“Well, okay, uhm… I probably can't tonight. I know I said— Yes, Wooyoung, I know,” he sighs deeply as you sit down right in front of him, one leg over the other with rehearsed poise “I’ll see you all at Hongjoong's gig this weekend, yeah? Okay, bye… I love you too, oh my god,” he giggles and you frown, disgusted “Bye.”

You immediately go for it.

“Your boyfriend?”

“My husband,” his smile is fake and tight and it makes you want to punch him in the face “That's what I'm telling our mothers in fifteen minutes, by the way.”

Rolling your eyes again, you let out a tired breath “As if that would ever stop them.”

“So I reckon you know what's going on?”

“You don't?” eyebrow rising inquisitively and expression turning into a pitiful one, you wonder if that's why he seems so laid back at the moment “Please, indulge me and tell me you do.”

“Of course I know what's going to happen,” scoffing, he crosses his arms and looks at the living room double doors “Just trying to figure out if you're out of the loop so I can put you up to speed on our escape.”

“Oh, please,” you huff out a bitter laugh “If you really wanted to escape you would have been out of the country by now. Don't pretend you're not a people pleaser, Yunho,” looking back at you, that familiar wrath burns in his brown eyes and it makes you smirk “Passing the opportunity to hang out with Park Seonghwa and the rest of your public university crew is not usually what you do. You were probably given an ultimatum by your mother and that's why you're here, isn't it?”

Watching his expression shift from annoyance to confusion to anger in the span of seconds gives you the satisfaction your lost fights of the day took away from you.

“She's really pretty, by the way. His new girlfriend, the mechanic,” you smile, moving your eyes to the ceiling like you're trying to remember something “Didn't catch her name, though. Tell her I say hi when you see her. Oh, and tell Mr. Park I say hi as well. You don't really have to explain to anyone how you know me after tonight anyway.”

“How the hell do you know them?” he's full on frowning now and the corners of your lips twitch in amusement “Are you stalking me, Y/N?”

“Wouldn't you like that, hm?” clicking your tongue in disappointment of his guess, you rest your arms over your knees and lean your weight on them, like you're about to share your secret “I always know everything, Yunho. It's my superpower.”

He imitates your movements, jaw clenched and chest heaving “And here I thought it was being spoiled and annoying.”

Shaking your head, you lean a little further now “You're so silly, Yun, you know that's yours… When will you stop projecting your shit on me?”

“When you stop ruining my fucking life.”

Oh, he's so easy to mess with.

“Glad to know you think I have that much power over you,” you bite the inside of your cheek for a second and then sigh loudly and dramatically “Sadly, I can't control what my parents want me to do. Or do you really think I would choose you, the hypocrite who pretends to run away from his responsibilities, out of all the men in the industry?”

That cuts deep. His face lets you know it does, you also know it's hypocritical on your side to criticize him for getting the treatment you wanted to get to begin with.

He leans in a bit more “As if I would ever choose you, the most cold hearted snake out of the elite.”

Fuck him.

You lean in more, chin up “Mama’s boy.”

Doing the same, he griths out: “Spoiled brat.”

“Rakehell.”

“Psychopath.”

Laughing, you dismiss the fact that your noses are almost touching to shoot back “I hope you enjoy the way the media is going to tear you apart when it comes out that you cheated on me, asshole.”

“And I hope you enjoy when Dispatch digs up what you did at that party four years ago, princess. Falling off a table for mixing your drinks and your drugs and yelling at the staff as they tried to helped you out is quite embarrassing, isn't it?” he returns immediately and it fails to intimidate you but the fact that he knows about that angers you and it sparks in your eyes, so he smirks “Not that I would ever leak that information, of course.”

“You stupid fucking—”

“Ah, good! You're both here already.”

Pulling apart and standing up, you both try to regulate your breathing and conceal your flustered state as your mom and his walk straight towards you.

They're here early, you think. You couldn't possibly have argued with Yunho for fifteen minutes straight.

“I beg you save the public displays of affection for later, though,” his mom says and with a hand on your back she directs you to sit on the sofa Yunho was occupying before. You sit and he does too and you both make sure to leave enough space for the holy spirit and all deities in between you “We're going to need them for the cameras.”

Uncomfortable, you fidget on your seat until the warning look from your mother forces you to stop. Yunho gulps beside you, probably just as uncomfortable as you.

Both women smile brightly like they're not about to lay on you the saddest news of your life.

“As you both know, tonight's gala is a celebration of the twenty years Jeong Tech and Kim’s Innovation have joined creative forces and built the empire we have the pleasure to see unfold today…”

Is your mother reciting your dads speech? It sounds robotic, rehearsed, fake and forced and it's not something new from her but you hate it either way.

“And in celebration of our families friendship, loyalty and alliance,” Yunho’s mom continues and you take in a breath “We're finally making your relationship public!”

Finally?

“Finally?” Yunho asks and you lick your lips “Mom, Auntie… We don't have a relationship.” He tells them plain and simple and you don't look at him when you nod in compliance with the statement.

“Oh, you two have been in love since forever!” His mother dismisses what she just heard “It's only fair to finally let everyone confirm it. This way, you can actually be seen together without our public relations team having to rush to cover everything up.”

That has never happened. You prefer to stay as far away from Yunho as possible when your free will is actually yours to live with.

“Mom, we—”

“We are friends, obviously,” you interrupt Yunho before he dives head first into the depths of hell and his head snaps to you, eyebrows creasing a bit “But it's very much platonic. I don't feel—”

“Yes you do,” your mother interferes, tone stern and fake smile falling for a second as a result before she composes herself “You have loved him since you both were kids and he saved you from falling in the pool at you tenth birthday,” that never happened and slowly but surely you realize they have a whole story planned out for you “And you, Yunho, realized you loved her when she stayed by your side when you had the flu at age thirteen. When she cried over your high fever and came over everyday until you got better. Right?”

The question floats in the air for what feels like eons and she has successfully shut you up for good.

You knew, when you first met Jeong Yunho, there was no way of escaping this.

And he, ever so hopeful and foolish, can't seem to accept it the way you do.

Standing up, he looks at his mother with so much hurt you wonder if you still have that amount of delusion inside of you “You can't do this to us!”

“Dear, do not raise your voice at me—”

“This is the stupidest idea you had yet! I don't care how many years you've been planning this, it's not fair!” He paces around the space and you sigh, looking down at your lap. His voice echoes around the living room and you can practically feel your mom scowl with annoyance at the recklessness “You can't marry me off to someone like it's the eighteenth century! This is ridiculous, I—”

“You'll do it,” his mother stands up as well, voice firmer than you have ever heard. She's a soft spoken woman, a sweet woman even. She's never raised her voice in your presence and you don't let it show how by surprise it takes you “And you know what happens if you don't.”

You don't know why you relate to the pained expression on his face. You really shouldn't because you two are, clearly, on two different ends when it comes to pleasing your family.

His family seems loving, the way his mother treated him growing up felt so genuine you always wished you could switch places with him. Even at times where they thought they were alone in the room and you hid to witness the cracks on the foundation of their love, it never happened.

Until now, when he storms off and she seems rather unaffected by his pain. What she gives off is annoyance, just like your mother, she's annoyed that this didn't go as smoothly as imagined. She moves to follow him.

“Jeong Yunho!”

After she leaves the room, there's screaming in the distance, probably at the end of the long hallway. And then, there's silence until your mother breaks it.

“Well that was an unfortunate mess.”

Your throat feels like it's closing up but you push through it, standing up when your mother does too.

“Mother, I don't really think this is the best way to—”

She frowns at you.

“What are you wearing? A suit?”

“W-what?”

Dumbfounded, you look down at your choice of outfit that she saw this morning and then back up at her.

“I understand there's really nothing that can be done about your body shape but wearing silhouettes like these makes you look very masculine, Y/N.”

She's doing that thing where she belittles you into submission. Vulnerable because of what you just lived and what you just witnessed, you stand there and take it.

“And are you wearing makeup? Your eyebags, darling… I can't believe you let Yunho see you in this state.”

If only she knew you stayed awake the entire night trying to sabotage her plans.

This triggers you beyond belief. It starts with your heartbeat picking up, with your inner child begging you to stand up for yourself and banging at the walls of the safe you locked her up so many years ago.

When you both hear footsteps coming down the hallway, she looks down at her watch and your chest starts heaving.

“You need to get your hair and makeup done in an hour and a half. No need to go to the salon, I arranged things and they're coming over,” she informs you calmly, putting on her fake smile when Yunho’s mom sighs at the doorway and when she turns away from you to get to her and loop her arm around hers, you catch his eye as he makes his way to you “Now, how about I show you what they did with the garden, dear.”

They walk away from the wreckage with a giggle that only raises your panic.

The fire of it burns your pride, your self image and your capability of keeping it together in front of your sworn enemy.

It doesn't help that he comes in with full vengeance, ready to take out on you what he obviously couldn't take out on his mom.

“Why didn't you say anything?!” his voice fills the room once again and you physically recoil, which makes him reconsider. He looks you over once and then takes a deep breath before pressing “Why did you tell them that we're friends? We're not friends, Y/N! You should've… You should've told them that you hated me, that y-you were in love with somebody else, anything!”

Tears cloud your vision and you can only reply in a faint whisper that sounds far away “Yunho, shut up.”

“Are you seriously letting them get away with this?” his index points at the door and he looks at you like he doesn't know you. He doesn't but he does know what your family is like, so you don't know why it surprises him “Are you seriously going along with this stupid charade?!”

Air leaves you. You can't breath but you try to and you faintly hear him say something else but it sounds bottled up, like you're underwater.

“I c-cant.” You try again but it barely comes out.

Breathing in with your mouth, you close your eyes and focus on the way your head pulses. Migraine in full force, it only aggravates the feeling of complete loss of control over your body. But your feet move before you can think, to the couch, to look through your purse because damn it if he finds out.

He follows you.

“Is this some sort of sick revenge against me or—”

They're not there. Why didn't you bring them with you today of all days?

God damn it. Yunho is, somehow, still talking.

“Because if we don't go out there and let them know that—”

“Yunho, shut the fuck up! Stop it!”

Turning around with tears streaming down your face and hyperventilating seems to shut him up for good.

“What's wrong?”

He stops, breathing hard with a confused look on his face and his eyes follow you when you quickly move around him to get out of the room.

“Y/N, wait—”

You don't wait to see if he's following you upstairs. You only know he is because when you trip midway, his hands are there to catch you.

Physical contact with him is so strange and unfamiliar that you have to push his helping hands away and, quickly and still hardly breathing, you make your way to your room.

Neatly done by the staff assigned to ready it up everyday before you get home, the order gets destroyed by your panicked state. You look through your vanity drawers messily, full on sobbing and mumbling incoherently as you do and you slam your fist down on the thing when you fail to find your pills.

“Where the fuck is it?!” You sob out, hand hurting and shaking until you fall to the ground.

You try to recenter, pressing your shaky palms into the soft material of the carpet and sinking your nails hard in it until it starts bunching up beneath your fingers. Eyes closed, you can't see when Yunho knees down next to you but you do jump in fear when his hand touches your arm.

Looking at him, you see when he removes his hand until, hesitantly, he places it firmly on your shoulder “I need you to breathe with me, Y/N,” he starts demonstrating, breathing in once, holding it in for a few seconds and letting the air go next. You choke out a sob “Breathe with me so you can tell me what I can get you.”

You want to scream at him to stop pretending to care and get out but you can't.

Instead, you listen to him. You breathe in when he does, hold the air a second longer than him and let it out afterwards. You do a few rounds of this, just staring at him with tears still falling down your cheeks until the fog in your brain starts clearing.

It's agonizingly slow and it pains you to let yourself be seen in these circumstances, especially by him.

“Now, what were you looking for?”

Coughing uncomfortably, you attempt to get up the floor but he stops you from doing so “You can leave, Yunho, I can get it myself.”

“You're shaking, Y/N,” it takes for him to say it for you to look down at your hands, which are barely grasping the carpet now and just hovering above it as they tremble “What do you need?”

“My pills,” you tell him in a murmur after a few seconds, closing your eyes because, to you, this whole thing is very embarrassing “I don't remember where I put them, m-maybe in my nightstand?”

“Drugs?” he asks with a frown and you shake your head, too panicky to get offended at the insinuation “Ah, actual pills, I see, um…” He gets up and you open your eyes to him walking over to your bed, sitting down to open up the drawer of your nightstand “You have a lot of shit here. What do they look like?”

“Prescription bottle, not a blister. Translucent, white cap.” You're taking control over your own body now, breathing starting to normalize and mind syncing up with the situation again.

Your head hurts still, but it's better than five minutes ago.

“Here it is,” you hear him say and he's on his knees next to you a second later. You take the bottle from his hand, unscrew the cap as fast as you can and shake it to get a pill out of it “It was behind a bunch of stuff. I'll get you some—” putting the pill on your mouth, you crane your head back and force yourself to swallow it “Water.” He finishes in a whisper.

When you look back at him, he looks a little freaked out.

“What?”

“N-nothing… Do you still need some—”

“No. Thank you for getting me these, you can leave now.”

Your tone is cold. The memory of him yelling at you downstairs returns so now you're pissed off and still very, very vulnerable. He's not allowed to see you this way or any way for that matter.

But he just did.

He stays still and you're about to ask him if he didn't hear you or what but then you follow his eyes and notice he's staring at the way your hands still shake a little while trying to get the cap on the bottle again. You presume he's trying to read the label on it, too.

“How long have you had them?”

“The pills? This is a new prescription, so like… A month or so.”

He sighs, closing his eyes and sitting fully on the floor next to you “You know what I'm talking about, Y/N.”

Looking away, you hate that the cat is out of the bag. If only your mother didn't comment on your appearance maybe, just maybe, you could've kept the secret to yourself and taken it to the grave with you.

You hate that Yunho, out of all people, found out.

But he helped you, so you decide to please him with an answer.

“I started getting them when I was ten, I think. I didn't know what was happening for a while and then at fourteen I learned what a panic attack was,” you recall, tone sounding breathy and tired and a little annoyed. He nods “And then I got officially diagnosed with panic disorder at twenty, so not that long ago.”

Eyes back at him, you see him frown and then nod again as if the information you just gave him is hard to digest. It's not, it's actually extremely normal for someone like you.

It makes you wonder if he has ever felt the same.

Taking another calming breath, you speak again “I would appreciate it if you keep this in between us. Not tell your brother or anything,” you clarify before he can respond “Because your brother is going to tell my brother who is going to tell my mom and that's a whole disaster I don't really want to deal with.”

“They don't know?”

“Of course they don't know,” a bitter laugh makes it past your lips “If they knew, don't you think I would be the image of a visibility campaign against anxiety or something like that?”

“They're your family, though.”

“Blood is thicker than water but I'm allowed to have my secrets,” it's pathetic, the way your vision clouds once more and tears trail their path down your face once nor3 “And you of all people know how exploitative they are, so don't tell them.”

What happens next takes your breath away again. Not for the reason you expect but it does and, for the first time in your life, Jeong Yunho is able to make your brain malfunction.

You don't really think he realizes his hand is on your cheek, thumb whipping away your tears so softly it turns to you to a puddle right away

The last time someone handled you with that much care was…

Never?

Unable to look away, you catch the second he notices what he's doing and, by the time he does, he already leaned in a fraction into your space.

Snapping out the weird, dizzy moment you two just had, he lowers his hand and you clear your throat to try and shake your feelings, all of them, off.

Off. Away. You need to get your shit together and work on depuffing your face before the makeup artist and hair stylist arrive.

“Listen, if you want to mysteriously disappear tonight and miss the gala you can totally do it and I'll cover up for you. I wouldn't blame you and I don't really care if our parents take it out on me,” your words are fast and your tone lighthearted. Like you're making a joke but, also, you're totally not “In return for you to keep your mouth shut about this,” you shake the pill bottle “I wouldn't do it out of kindness, of course, after all I am the most cold hearted snake of the elite.”

Scoffing, he closes his eyes and lets his head hang low for a few seconds “You’re so—”

“Beautiful? Smart? Outstanding?” You offer.

He looks back at you again “Insufferable.”

You squint your eyes at him before your lips turn upwards in a sardonic smile.

Yunho lets out a heavy sigh “I'll do it.”

“Run away to Timbuktu and change your identity?”

“Be there,” he corrects, clearly tired of your antics “I’ll be there tonight. We are up to our necks in this bullshit, both of us,” he reminds your “And I'm sure my mother wouldn't let me get far if I did try to run away.”

The ghost of a genuine smile curls in your lips “Pussy.”

He rolls his eyes.

“See? Annoying as fuck.”

Your smile fully widens at that. Finally, some sense of normalcy after whatever the hell happened a few minutes ago.

“What dirt does she have on you to make you bend to her will all of the sudden?”

“She—”

“I'm sorry to interrupt,” both looking up at your doorway, you try your best to hide the pills under your thighs as you eye the staff member suspiciously at his interruption “But misses Jeong is calling for Yunho downstairs. She says that you have to leave to get ready and misses Kim urges you, miss Kim, to get a shower.”

“Yeah, she smells kinda bad, doesn't she?” Yunho jokes but the staff member doesn't laugh at his quip. Instead, he earns a push from you before getting up “I'll get going then.”

The guy bows and disappears at that.

“Finally.”

You feel like you have to thank him again for what he did. With words, not actions. But he doesn't look like he's expecting it and the words hang on your tongue without making it past your lips because it's against your morals to thank Jeong Yunho for absolutely anything.

“See you tonight, Y/N,” he says and you make a face that makes him smile for some reason. He moves to the door but stalls and, as you get up, you see him turn to you one more time “Bring them with you,” he points at the bottle on your hand “Just in case.”

You huff and close the drawers of your vanity, stashing the pills in one of them “Don't tell me what to do.”

“I wouldn't dare,” mimicking the staff member, he bows dramatically and you groan “Goodbye, princess.”

You close the last drawer with a little more force than you intend to as soon as he's out of eyesight and then whisper and amused: “Asshole.”

Now that's a couple of hours later and your head allows you to lock back in, to focus on the matter at task and prepare for what's to come.

Sitting in the car, your chauffeur takes the hill up to the Jeong’s so you can pick up Yunho and show up together to the event.

Hair beautifully done and makeup beat to the gods, it irks you that your mothers have everything so planned out down to the last details. There's a tablet on your lap and you're rehearsing the backstory they put together for this made up relationship.

As they told you earlier, you have to pretend you two have been in love since childhood. There's some paragraphs narrating how you supposedly felt like you owe him your life after he “saved you” from failing into the deepest part of the pool when you didn't know how to swim.

Which is true, you didn't know how to swim at that age but Yunho never saved you from anything.

Except maybe today, only after aggravating the situation to the point you couldn't help but break down in front of him.

Pressing a finger down on your temple, you close your eyes and try to wipe the image of him helping you away. Instead, the way the washed your tears away pops into it and you groan, earning a curious look from your driver.

“Is this hill endless?” you ask in a way to cover up your true grieving and he laughs a little, which makes you smile before complaining again, as a joke. Kind of “That's why they usually come to our house, it takes a whole business day to get here.”

That seizes your driver's curiosity and you look out the window when their mansion comes in full view. It's majestic, it's modern and it looks really pretty from your balcony at night, when it's all lit up even when you know the probability of someone actually being there is scarce.

His dad and brother are always at the office, his mom is always at a meditation class or the gym or the mall with your mom and Yunho, well, you can only assume he's never actually there. He seems to have a very active social life and you don't think his mom would necessarily approve of his public university friends being there.

When the car comes to a stop in his driveway, you look back down and scroll to that part of the document: You're supposed to be supportive on his choice of avoiding a private education, call him humble and down to earth if the question gets asked but not praise the public education system because your dad endorses a really expensive school, the one he and your fake father in law graduated at.

The one you graduated at.

It was so freeing not looking at his face in the halls when you started uni and you, quite frankly, don't think about him often enough to wonder why he was allowed to attend the university of his liking and study what he pleases.

Now you're curious but, as you see him descend the stairs that lead to his massive front door, you're not sure you want to talk to him outside of business for too long.

He's all dolled up in a navy three-piece, color matching your dress and all. Hair done and out of his forehead, you hate to say it does more for him than the usual style he wears it in. You don't remember the last time his bangs didn't cover his eyebrows and now you're wondering if you pushed all the times you did to the back of your mind.

It'll be hard to pretend you don't think he looks good because he does and you don't want it to show in your face, so you stay focused on the tablet as he makes his way to the car.

The driver gets out and attempts to open the door for him but you hear Yunho telling him it's okay.

“I'll do it, thank you, thank you,” he opens the door and so you hear him more clearly now and he slides on the seat next to yours with ease, a disappointed look on his face when he notices you “Ah, you're here.”

“They didn't tell you?” sounding boring as hell, you scroll to the bottom of the document and pass the tablet to him, avoiding to look at him again “We're supposed to arrive together so the photographers waiting outside can start speculating and reporting to the media outlets that something might be going on.”

He grabs the tablet, looks at the document for five seconds in total and then hands it back to you “Oh, yeah, I didn't read that.”

Your driver gets in his seat and starts the car, maneuvering out of the driveway in seconds and so you have to brace yourself on the seat to avoid sliding down on it as you're driven down the hill.

“You didn't read it?” your head snaps back at him and he shrugs “Yunho, we're supposed to pretend we're madly in love with each other and you didn't study?!”

“We've been pretending to get along in front of our moms for over a decade, Y/N,” he deadpans “We're doing the same tonight, only at a bigger scale. It's not that complicated,” shrugging again, he looks out at the street for a second before looking at you again, a disgusted expression on his face “I hope you're not expecting me to be all over you because now that I can't fake.”

“Because you're never felt the touch of a girl in your entire life? I know that, loser,” he's about to retaliate but you stop him with your index finger “You've been away from the spotlight for way too long. You don't know how ruthless and scrutinizing the people attending are, I do. So sit pretty and study this.”

You shove the tablet back and he groans, looking through the document briefly again.

“And how do you know who's attending?”

“Page ten through twenty five. There's a detailed list with names, occupations and hobbies so you can have possible topics of conversation. I also took the time to highlight in pink the ones I want to avoid,” you point out and he moves his finger on the screen until he gets to the list, scoffing in amusement a second later “You should avoid them too. Especially the Hwang’s,” he gives you a look, asking for an explanation “They gossip too much, their friend groups are filled with snakes who can't take an NDA seriously and the girl is a little in love with you, so she'll flirt with you the entire night.”

“I don't even know her.”

“You don't have to, she's in love with the idea of you and your family's influence. Seriously, Yunho,” you let out an annoyed noise, crossing your arms over your chest “It's like amateur hour with you. You should know this.”

“I live a normal life, princess, I don't know any of this because it's not important to me,” he states as simple as that and you shake your head in disapproval “It shouldn't be important to you or to anyone, really.”

“Oh, but it is,” you return and when you look at him he's looking back. There's this electricity passing in the space in between you, something dangerous that's the tail tale of how different you both are and you start asking yourself how are you going to pull this whole thing off “And now, it is to you. You're about to enter a ballroom filled with people who admire you for simply being a Jeong, people who want to be you. It's hard and it’s pressuring but you declined my offer to not show up earlier today, so fucking own it.”

There's a pause where you see his jaw clenching, you see him shift uncomfortably and adjust his tie before presumably telling himself to relax.

“And study as much as you can, I'm not covering up your mistakes.”

The rest of the ride to the venue is silent and, when you get there, you exchange a look with your driver that's both apologetic and a request for discretion. You know your staff is discreet but you thank them every time you can because it's a lot of shit to handle.

“Here you go, honey.” The pet name almost makes you gag but you take the electronic from his hand, lock it and give it to the driver to safekeep.

“I prefer Y/N,” or even princess, because you're used to it “Don't try that inside.”

Rolling his eyes, he sarcastically lets out “Anything else your highness wants from me before we get off?”

“Yeah, for you to shut up and leave me alone forever after tonight but that's not really going to happen, hm?” You can see through the tinted windows how people gather outside to try and see who's inside the car and so you fix your hair with your fingers and then turn to fix Yunho’s tie. He makes a noise of disagreement but you shush him “Oh and for you to open the door for me?”

He levels you with his stare “Can't do it yourself?”

“Fucking do it and stop asking questions, Yunho.” You say under your breath and he smiles a little, triumphant like he just won something only for pissing you off.

Neither one of you want to lose the staring contest you suddenly have going on and it's, once again, electric. The tension is palpable and not in a positive way but you have to act quick when his brown eyes scan your face and linger where they don't need to. Hand still on his tie, it's tempting to try and choke him with it so instead you just tighten it a little more and it serves as a

“Now, Yunho.”

When he gets out of the car, you hear people gasp. He's not usually at these types of events because his mother must indulge him a lot. But also, he's usually seen with a frown whenever he does attend, so it must come to a shock to everyone he actually showed up.

It came with a shock for you too, you're not going to lie. You fully expected him to back out on his word and leave you hanging to deal with the shitshow yourself, no matter what he said this afternoon.

Rounding the car, he doesn't make the dramatic pause you were hoping for before opening the door and offering his hand to you. The gasps intensify once you elegantly get out, flashes going off and blinding you for a second before you take your surroundings in and loop your arm around Yunho’s.

There's people screaming both your names, asking questions that you don't get to answer because it's not the time for that and this is not a red carpet you have to walk through.

You wave your hand at the cameras, bow to the photographers and smile brightly when a girl behind an iphone tells you how pretty you look.

That would be the first person to compliment you today.

You don't turn to see what Yunho is doing, probably handling the attention in his own weird, detached way like he normally does and when someone signals you both to get going inside, you follow the person until the doors of the venue closing behind you drown out the paparazzi noise.

In the solitude of the initial hall, you see how Yunho lets his posture fall and lets out a breath “Well, I hated that.”

Condescendingly, you smile at him “Poor baby,” you lean in a bit into him “We’re only getting started.”

The horror on his face as he stares back brings out a nervous feeling inside you, but soon you're dragging him by his arm and following the staff member down the hall.

And when she opens the door into the ballroom, you let the feeling overcome you for a second and you gulp because of it.

Only getting started indeed.

If you read all the way down here: THANK YOU SO MUCH. This is part one of three (possibly more if the story extends that far). Any feedback would be greatly appreciated!

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midnightsslut · 1 year ago

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A Guide to Red - The Quintessential Taylor Swift Album

After the release of The Manuscript, the role of Red and Red (Taylor’s Version) in Taylor’s life and discography has been highly discussed. A lot of people have referred to it as her magnum opus and most formative album. I have decided to compile a condensed list of about a dozen key interviews, performances, speeches, posts, and videos from 2011 all the way until 2024 that illustrate the importance of this record for Taylor’s personal life and career. I’m putting the list under a cut because it got pretty long. You don’t have to go through all of these, obviously, but I would suggest at least one per era. The bolded ones are essential in my opinion.

Pre-Red - These interviews hint at Taylor’s emotional state at the time and thus the content that will be explored on the Red album

2011 The New Yorker profile

Taylor Swift reveals new album is all about heartbreak - Extra TV

Bonus: an article going through Taylor’s arm lyrics on the Speak Now World Tour, which she described as mood rings for any particular show

Lover diary entries from the making of Red (credit to @cabincreaking for the scans)

- All Too Well lyrics first draft (February 2011)

- Random bursts of happiness and anxiety during the Speak Now Tour (June 17, 2011)

- Red (September 8, 2011)

- Holy Ground (February 2012)

- Nothing New (March 2, 2012)

- Working with Max Martin (June 10, 2012)

Red era - Listen to the original sixteen songs on the Red album at this point.

Red announcement livestream + Q&A

Red prologue

2012 Rolling Stone interview

2012 The Guardian interview

2012 Billboard interview

2012 Esquire interview

Sirius XM Town Hall - an hourlong interview from the day Red came out

Good Morning America - this is the first mention of the ten-minute version of All Too Well

Red track-by-track descriptions

Random interview where she discusses the connection between writing Speak Now and Red

I Knew You Were Trouble music video

Diary entry about how love is fiction and she might move to New York after all (January 6, 2014)

Diary entry from Grammy night (January 25, 2014)

Red Tour London performance of All Too Well - any performance of this song from 2013-14 will work here, but this one has a pretty comprehensive speech

Final performance of All Too Well on the Red Tour - just listen to the speech here

Post-Red era - Over the course of these interviews, you’ll see her relationship to the album evolve.

Taylor’s description of Clean (skip to 11:18)

2014 BBC Live Lounge interview

1989 World Tour interview where she mentions thinking she’d never sell as many albums as she did with Red before 1989 came out

Clean speech - a lot of these will work, but these two best describe her relationship with the Red era and heartbreak in general

All Too Well (The 1989 World Tour live)

2015 GrammyPro interview

All Too Well Super Saturday Night performance

Reputation Tour All Too Well speech

Red into Daylight performance - 2019 City of Lover concert in Paris

Re-recordings era - at this point, listen to the red vault

2020 Rolling Stone podcast

Red (Taylor’s Version) prologue

2021 Saturday Night Live performance

All Too Well: The Short Film + Behind the Scenes

Seth Meyers interview

2022 Tribeca film talk OR TIFF (both are equally good. I have a slight preference for the former, but there are some interesting new details in the latter). You could also watch directors on directors from the same year as a bonus, but it’s less comprehensive.

2022 Graham Norton - How All Too Well (10 Minute Version) came about + how the re-recordings inspired Midnights

Also listen to Midnights

The Eras Tour

All Too Well speech (Glendale Night 2 & Atlanta Night 1) - any of the speeches from March and April 2023 will work, but these two really illustrate how she feels about this time in her life now and how the fans changed the Red album for her. Obviously credit to @cages-boxes-hunters-foxes for the transcripts!

Maroon first ever live performance (‘This is a song about something that happened a long time ago, but it took place in New York’)

Aaaand finally listen to The Tortured Poets Department, especially The Manuscript

This is a lot, but it’s worth it. Enjoy!

#I really think this is just key to understanding taylor swift as an artist and a woman #red era #red tv #midnights #ttpd #maroon #old interviews #the manuscript #red #all too well 10 #all too well short film

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marithempressz · 1 month ago

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Saturn in Aries: How is it going to affect your life?

Hey, dear ones! For today’s reading, I’ll be channeling how this transit of Saturn in Aries is going to affect your lives. This transit began on May 25th and will continue until September 1st, as Saturn will retrograde back into Pisces — giving us a chance to revisit and review unfinished business. Saturn will return to its direct motion on November 28th, and re-enter Aries on February 13th, where it will remain until April 2028. During this initial period of Saturn in Aries (May 25 – September 1), we’ll be in contact with a new energy — the structure of a reality that is still in the process of being born. Here, Saturn calls us to take responsibility for our desires and willpower. It demands patience, discipline, and refinement when it comes to our passions. It's a time to practice autonomy with responsibility. And, of course, ruptures may occur — because for the new to emerge, we must leave behind what no longer fits. So, my intention with this reading is to explore what Saturn in Aries is asking from you, and how it’s likely to influence your path.

Enjoy the reading! 🌟

pile 1, pile 2, pile 3

Pile 1

The High Priestess, Two of Cups, Justice

Card for Advice: Temperance

Those who chose this pile may already have a sense of what lies ahead. You have a strong intuition and are deeply aligned with your guides. There is a relationship coming into your life that will bring justice and balance. You're not meant to know exactly how everything will unfold — you’re being asked to leave room for mystery.

I sense that multiple types of relationships will come your way — not just romantic ones. Considering the influence of Saturn in Aries, these connections will likely be new and transformative. You’ll be gifted not only with new people in your life but also with a new way of engaging in relationships. You'll rely more on your intuition than ever before, because you now have clarity about what you want — and you understand that those around you reflect your values. Don’t waste this opportunity (though I don’t believe you will).

Very intriguing energy. You are not alone — your guides are making their presence felt clearly as you walk this new path. This is a special moment to prove yourself, to stay consistent in your choices, so you can see how clearly your decisions bring tangible results into your life. You're stepping into a place of authority, building it from the ground up — so act like it.

Pile 2

Six of Wands, Four of Swords, Seven of Wands

Cards for Advice: The Hierophant and Two of Wands

You’ll need to review the way you see the world, which may currently be rigid and inflexible. This will require both courage and patience, as it's not something that will shift instantly. Saturn is the master of limitations, so you’ll begin to feel internally that the ideas you’ve held — and the identity you’ve constructed — are no longer serving you.

The cards show me that you're already aware of your need to build a new version of yourself, and that you’re on this path with a fair amount of confidence.

That’s a good sign! Everything related to your values is being re-evaluated during this period — including your sense of comfort, and you may find yourself being pushed out of your comfort zone. This is a time where you’ll be fully present on a “construction site,” so to speak. You’ll be analyzing every detail of what you're envisioning for your future.

There’s a feeling here — almost ethereal — of not knowing exactly who you are anymore, or what you thought you were. Even your relationship with your physical body may feel unclear. Everything is shifting, and it’s hard to recognize what things used to be.

The results of this experience will be successful — if you commit to yourself.

Pile 3

Page of Swords, Justice, King of Swords Cards for Advice: Ace of Swords and Three of Swords

Wow — so many swords here! Are you writing a thesis? An article? Inventing something? There’s a strong sense of discovery and mental stimulation. Your whole reading is filled with swords, which brings an energy of curiosity, intellect, and new ideas. You're definitely developing something new, and while it’s exciting, the work feels quite intense and demanding. You might even be involved in law or legal matters — which would make sense, given all these swords.

That said, the Three of Swords is really standing out to me. This won’t resonate with everyone, of course, but it makes me wonder if this new work or pursuit is somehow connected to heartbreak or emotional pain. There might be a personal justice you’re fighting for — possibly even something like a divorce or a deep emotional shift tied to your purpose.

This reading does feel a bit scattered — which may reflect how you're feeling right now: confused, overwhelmed, or facing many things at once.

There’s also a clear message about a decision that needs your attention. You’ll have to approach it with logic and honesty. Swords are all about truth, and the Justice card reinforces that theme. You’re being called to take a strong, grounded stance regarding a choice you’re making.

Lastly, I’d say you're likely to experience a flood of new information or ideas during this time. You're evolving in your idealist or intellectual side, and it’s shaping a new chapter in how you think, speak, and act.

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aeth-eris · 8 months ago

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★ shadow work for each rising sign: navigating the transformative transits of 2025-2026 ★

☆ pluto into aquarius:

first entry: march 23, 2023 (retrograded back into capricorn in 2023)

re-enters aquarius: november 19, 2024

fully settles in aquarius: january 20, 2025

stays in aquarius until 2043, as pluto spends about 20 years in each sign.

☆ uranus into gemini:

first entry: july 7, 2025

retrogrades back into taurus: november 8, 2025

re-enters gemini and stays: april 26, 2026

stays in gemini until 2033, with uranus spending about 7 years in each sign.

☆ neptune into aries:

first entry: march 30, 2025

retrogrades back into pisces: october 22, 2025

re-enters aries and stays: january 26, 2026

stays in aries until 2039, as neptune spends approximately 13-14 years in each sign.

☆ saturn into aries:

first entry: may 24, 2025

retrogrades back into pisces: september 1, 2025

re-enters aries and stays: february 13, 2026

stays in aries until february 15, 2028, as saturn spends about 2.5 years in each sign.

★ aries rising ★ pluto’s move into aries rising’s 11th house of friendships and goals pushes them to face insecurities around group identity and social roles. shadow work here involves examining where they may have masked self-doubt with a bold presence, fearing they might fade into the background. they may discover a tendency to lead or assert control as a way to feel valued. meanwhile, neptune and saturn in the 1st house challenge them to question if their confident self-image hides deeper vulnerabilities, asking if they’ve built a facade to protect against rejection. addressing these dynamics will allow aries rising to embrace authenticity in both social groups and personal identity, finding strength in their true self instead of external validation. ☆ prompts: “where do i feel the need to ‘prove’ myself to others? how do i feel about the idea of taking a less prominent role in group settings? am i masking insecurity with confidence, and if so, where can i soften and allow my true self to be seen?”

★ taurus rising ★ pluto’s transit through taurus rising’s 10th house of career asks them to address attachments to public success and stability. shadow work involves exploring fears of failure, especially if they’ve tied self-worth to professional achievements or status. with uranus moving through the 2nd house of values and finances, taurus rising is also called to question if material wealth has become a substitute for inner security. they may uncover scarcity mindsets or a hidden fear of instability. by confronting these shadows, taurus rising can redefine their sense of success and security, focusing on inner values over external rewards and building a career path aligned with their true needs. ☆ prompts: “how does my career affect my sense of worth? where am i relying on material wealth for a sense of security? what do i fear losing if my career or financial situation changes? what would true inner security feel like for me?”

★ gemini rising ★ as pluto transforms gemini rising’s 9th house of beliefs, they’re called to re-evaluate core philosophies that may have limited their growth. shadow work involves confronting any fear of uncertainty or “not knowing” that could lead them to cling to rigid beliefs. uranus in the 1st house encourages self-reinvention, but they may hesitate to break free from familiar identities, fearing they’ll lose themselves. they’re invited to examine any habits of hiding emotions behind wit or intellect. by releasing these fears, gemini rising can embrace a fluid, open-minded approach to life that honors both their curiosity and evolving identity, allowing them to connect authentically with others. ☆ prompts: “what beliefs or ideas do i feel resistant to let go of? where do i avoid vulnerability by intellectualizing or using humor? who am i without my established ideas and perspectives? how would embracing change deepen my self-expression?”

★ cancer rising ★ pluto in cancer rising’s 8th house of intimacy and transformation encourages them to confront fears around vulnerability and dependence on others. shadow work involves addressing any control issues in relationships that may stem from fears of betrayal or emotional pain. with neptune and saturn in the 10th house, cancer rising is also asked to question whether their career choices reflect their true self or if they’ve sought “safe” paths to avoid risk. they may find they’ve neglected personal fulfillment for security. by embracing openness in relationships and honesty in career pursuits, cancer rising can create a life that aligns with their authentic self, balancing vulnerability with resilience. ☆ prompts: “how do i respond when i feel vulnerable in relationships? what control tendencies do i rely on to avoid emotional risk? am i compromising personal fulfillment for security in my career? what would true openness look like in both my relationships and career?”

★ leo rising ★ with pluto in leo rising’s 7th house of relationships, they’re invited to explore where their self-worth is intertwined with external approval. shadow work involves examining any patterns of people-pleasing or overcompromising due to hidden fears of rejection. uranus in the 11th house prompts them to shift their social dynamics and find fulfillment beyond admiration. neptune and saturn in the 9th house further challenge leo rising to question long-held beliefs that may have propped up their public image rather than supported authentic growth. by working through these dynamics, leo rising can develop relationships based on mutual respect and self-confidence, finding satisfaction beyond external validation. ☆ prompts: “where am i seeking approval in relationships and social circles? what beliefs about myself might i have formed around admiration or validation? what would it feel like to create connections based purely on mutual respect and authenticity? how can i affirm my self-worth without external reinforcement?”

★ virgo rising ★ pluto’s influence in virgo rising’s 6th house of work and health calls them to confront perfectionism and productivity-based self-worth. shadow work here involves examining any beliefs that their value is tied to their usefulness, revealing a fear of inadequacy. with uranus transiting the 10th house, they’re encouraged to redefine career goals and embrace innovative paths, shedding rigid ideals of success. they may uncover where they’ve sacrificed personal joy for others’ approval. by releasing control over outcomes, virgo rising can foster a healthier relationship with work, recognizing that self-worth isn’t defined by accomplishment, and embracing balance over perfection. ☆ prompts: “in what areas of my life do i feel driven by the need to be ‘perfect’? how does being useful contribute to my sense of worth? what would embracing imperfection allow me to experience in my daily life? where am i putting others’ needs before my own joy, and how can i shift this?”

★ libra rising ★ pluto’s energy in libra rising’s 5th house of creativity and romance brings up insecurities around self-expression, inviting them to confront fears of rejection or failure in love and creativity. shadow work involves exploring where they’ve stifled individuality to gain admiration. with neptune and saturn transiting the 7th house of relationships, libra rising is also asked to address dependency patterns, particularly where they’ve put their own needs aside to maintain peace. they’ll need to confront any fear of being alone, understanding that harmony begins with self-acceptance. through this process, libra rising can cultivate self-worth, finding freedom to express their true self in love and creativity. ☆ prompts: “where have i held back my true self in creative or romantic expressions? what am i afraid others will see if i show my full self? how do i compromise my needs to keep the peace, and what would happen if i didn’t? how can i practice self-acceptance in relationships, so my needs are honored?”

★ scorpio rising ★ with pluto in scorpio rising’s 4th house of home and family, they’re prompted to confront emotional security and past patterns that may limit intimacy. shadow work involves addressing fears of vulnerability and abandonment, particularly where family dynamics may have shaped emotional defense mechanisms. with uranus in the 8th house of intimacy, they’ll feel challenged to release control issues that limit trust, uncovering fears of betrayal. this period encourages scorpio rising to establish security within, understanding that true strength comes from embracing emotions fully. by confronting these fears, they can build a foundation rooted in openness and trust, fostering deeper connections and self-acceptance. ☆ prompts: “what fears come up when i consider being vulnerable with those close to me? how have family dynamics influenced my current relationships? where do i exert control in intimate situations out of fear of betrayal? what would building security within myself, rather than relying on external stability, look like?”

★ sagittarius rising ★ sagittarius rising’s 3rd house of communication is transformed by pluto, pushing them to address insecurities around self-expression and social dynamics. shadow work here involves examining fears of judgment or appearing vulnerable, which may lead to overconfidence or projecting a confident facade. with neptune and saturn in the 5th house, they’re also encouraged to explore where they’ve avoided commitment or depth in relationships, fearing vulnerability. they may realize escapist habits have kept them from genuine connections. by embracing authenticity and communicating openly, sagittarius rising can cultivate deeper bonds, finding self-worth beyond surface interactions and discovering the joy of meaningful connections. ☆ prompts: “where do i hold back in conversations to avoid vulnerability? how do i use confidence as a shield against deeper connection? what would it look like to truly engage in depth with those i care about? where have i avoided commitment in relationships, and how has this limited my sense of connection?”

★ capricorn rising ★ pluto’s shift into capricorn rising’s 2nd house of values and finances invites them to confront deep-seated fears around scarcity and self-worth, especially where they’ve linked value to financial stability. shadow work involves addressing attachments to success and control, particularly if they equate worth with income or status. uranus’s influence in the 6th house challenges them to release rigid routines and embrace a more balanced approach to work. by confronting fears that tie self-worth to external achievements, capricorn rising can embrace a sense of value that transcends professional image, fostering a life that prioritizes both accomplishment and inner peace. ☆ prompts: “where have i connected my self-worth to my financial or career success? what beliefs do i hold about success and control, and how have they shaped my life choices? how would my daily life change if i released my need for financial validation? what does a balanced approach to work and self-care look like for me?”

★ aquarius rising ★ with pluto in aquarius rising’s 1st house, they face intense transformation of self-identity, urging them to confront fears around authenticity. shadow work involves addressing any fear of rejection or being “too different,” particularly where they’ve suppressed their individuality to fit in. with uranus in their 5th house, they’re encouraged to embrace creative and romantic vulnerability, examining where detachment may have limited expression. by releasing the need for external validation, aquarius rising can redefine self on their own terms, embracing uniqueness and developing deeper, more honest connections. ☆ prompts: “where do i feel the need to conform to be accepted? what parts of myself do i hold back in creative or romantic settings? how would it feel to let my unique qualities shine without fear of judgment? where am i relying on external validation for a sense of belonging?”

★ pisces rising ★ pluto’s move into pisces rising’s 12th house of the subconscious triggers a period of deep introspection, highlighting hidden fears and self-sabotaging tendencies. shadow work here involves facing unresolved pain or traumas that may have led to escapism or martyrdom. neptune and saturn in the 2nd house of values prompt them to re-evaluate self-worth, particularly where they’ve linked it to spiritual ideals or self-sacrifice. by addressing these patterns, pisces rising can establish a healthier foundation for self-worth, discovering inner strength and grounding their spirituality in reality. ☆ prompts: “what fears or past pain am i avoiding by disconnecting from reality? where do i overextend myself, sacrificing my needs for others? how have i equated worth with self-sacrifice, and how can i separate these? what would grounded self-worth look like in my daily life?”

#astrology #astrology observations #astro observations #astrology transits #astrology shadow work

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meimeimeirin · 6 months ago

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still on tumblr break, but since i just logged in and saw several asks, i thought i'd clarify a few things here.

regarding me and @/zhongrin

in summary:

zhongrin is privated and archived permanently.

for the two people who asked, yeah, i'm alright.

more utc, but you can skip.

to expand more on the 'sudden' archiving/privating:

i've been debating to archive the blog since last year. to tell the truth, the new theme that appeared in zhongrin since september last year was actually the theme of a new writing sideblog i made. honestly, i had contemplated archiving it since july ー and i've lost count over how many times i created a 'blog archived' post only to delete it, over and over again. i just held on like an idiot and kept telling myself to just post and dip out.

don't look at the activity bar, it's just going to be full of likes. don't look at the notes, i'll just be full of more empty likes. don't look at the reblogs, it won't have any feedback anyway. don't look into your inbox, you won't find any feedback whatsoever anyway. don't look at your dash, lest you'll see other people getting interactions and start wondering if you're the weirdo for not getting any. don't look. don't look. don't look.

i'm just so tired of being disappointed.

it's like writing out a play and 10k people reserved seats to your free performance, yet all you see are thousands of absent seats. all you receive are silent smiles. a few applauses. and less than ten people commenting on the play, most of which are your own friends.

every time i post, i start questioning why did i even bother sharing this. or if i'm even actually good enough at writing. or if that comment was just there out of pity. or if i should have used the time i spent writing, proofreading, and editing to do something else. something that would have brought more joy. something that would result in more than a few strung words on a digital screen that no one thinks is worth sharing.

every time i post, it just feels like i just did something meaningless. every time i do events or bring my ocs to the spotlight, every time i'm having so much fun, people leave and it gets even more silent. my thoughts? my expectations? my joy? my sadness? meaningless. they're all meaningless to these ten thousand people.

why should i keep sharing and doing something that feels meaningless and hopeless?

so i stopped caring and archived. that's all there is to it.

i do have that new writing blog set up. way back since last year. because as much as i loathe the silence, i still love writing. sometimes.

as of today, that blog is still devoid of original posts. i don't know when or if i'll feel comfortable posting my own 'content' again. or maybe i never will. who knows. but if i do, this time, i'm setting things up so i can just be the 'content creator' that readers expect me to be and distance myself from everything.

call me childish. call me jaded. call me a bitch. i don't care. i don't want to try connecting with my readers anymore because tumblr as a community has stopped being a system that can do this. i'm just going to give myself the option of making content and dipping out whenever i want. i'm going to spend my energy having fun with my friends who does care - on a separate, more controlled environment altogether.

this will still be my main since i don't want to bother setting up a new account and re-following people again. but i won't be active here. i foresee i'll be more 'present' in my private blog. for those who does have the url ー please keep it a secret. thanks.

bye, zhongrin. it started out fun. it's a shame it ended on a bitter note. i truly wish it hadn't turned out this way.

signing off once again, meirin.

#a psa from rin

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captainsparklefingers · 2 years ago

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One of the things I'm taking away from the second go round of Dracula Daily (and particularly from David Ault's excellent performance in Re: Dracula) is how much I like Lord Arthur Godalming.

Like. On the surface and the first time round he stands out the least of Lucy's suitors, and given how much time we hear from Jack, he can come off the most developed. Quincy, of course, gives us a heck of a lot of personality with relatively little (again, compared to how much we get from Jack). Arthur, though, doesn't have the same volume of words to develop, nor the instantly clear personality. He's just Lucy's fiancee, Jack and Quincy's friend, the heroes of light's wealthy benefactor.

But God, this poor man. He's suffered several immense losses in a very short period, been forced to see the woman he loved as a monster, and then had to put her down so she could rest in peace. Beyond the emotional burdens of such losses, he has to deal with the legal matters and the settling of affairs for three different people, probably doing whatever one needs to do to take his father's place in the House of Lords (something I know absolutely nothing about but I assume there's things to do there), AND the earth shattering revelation the supernatural is real, monsters do exist, and the one who killed Lucy is still out there.

And all of that while having to abide by the Victorian standards of manhood. Stalwart, strong, showing no emotions that could make him seem weak.

I think the scene in September 30th, where Mina comforts him and finally he has the chance to let go of all of these burdens he's felt he must carry alone, all of the grief and sorrow he's been forced to carry, he can for at least a moment put aside the mask of manliness society insist he wear and just let himself be a man who has lost his father and his fiancee within days of each other, who is dealing with situations beyond belief.

Obviously we've seen him cry and grieve before but it always felt like he was stifling it to a degree because, well. He only has his male friends to lean on now and the stupid proprieties of society mean he can only lean so much. But now he's had a chance to finally let go, made a connection with Lucy's dearest friend and a new sister of choice. He has his friends, he's finally been allowed to mourn in the way he's truly feeling...and now he's ready to help in whatever way possible to avenge Lucy.

Arthur comes off to me as a very strong character, a man driven by great love, who's emotions, as constrained as they may be, are one of his greatest strengths (and, of course, every good monster hunting group needs a financial benefactor). He's not a flat character at all, he's not forgettable character. Lucy loved him for a reason and, I think, in the moment his grief finally breaks, we get a glimpse at that.

I think that one of the good things of Dracula Daily has been making people realize how good of a character Jonathan Harker is, how pop culture has done damage to the true character of Lucy and Mina…I think we should add that its done a good job of making one care for a character as Arthur, who at first glance seems flat and boring.

Or at least it's made me appreciate him more. And I still want to know how he and Jack and Quincy became friends and what sort of shenanigans they got up to before the events of the book.

#dracula #dracula daily #dracula daily 2: vampire boogaloo #dracula spoilers #dracula daily spoilers #arthur godalming #re: dracula #seriously David Ault has done such a good job with him

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trellia · 1 year ago

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I decided to re-draw the VERY FIRST digital art I did, which was in September of 2001. (second drawing ). Back then I would draw and ink on paper, scan it, and color it with a mouse and I honestly have no clue how I had this much patience because I didn't know about layers then and worked on only one layer??? ( not sure how I got the background in there either lol)

First painting is the new piece with the updated character ( Angel/Angela in 2024). As you can see, a LOT has changed. She was a character I created for an American McGee's Alice roleplay on a forum. I think I wanted her to have a connection to the Cheshire Cat, hence the cat ears and tail. ( Listen I was 19, I loved cats too much (still do tbh lol) don't @ me lol). This is DEFINITELY not the case with the recent piece as she has little to do with Wonderland anymore, but I didn't really wanna take all of it away. She also changed nationality over time much, much later so I fixed her skin color to reflect that, as well as the jewelry and attire which uh.... yah, back then I was EXTREMELY influenced by 90's american comics ( l also knew nothing of anatomy which explains why she has no organs in the old piece >> ). I think it shows how much I have changed with time, both artistically and mentally.

However, I won't lie, I am not happy with the result... I started this piece at the beginning of June, then got extremely ill and had to work on this on and off during the month... which also means none of my interactions with the piece were the same and it shows. I feel like there's too much going on and the wing stumps are lost in there. Maybe a decade or two from now I'll repaint this again with a different perspective and better health.

However I am better now and I can paint more properly.

So apologies with this regurgitated piece lo!!

Regardless, thank you for sticking with me during these difficult times. Mucho appreciated!!! Much love!!

#oc #then vs now #old vs new #original character #digital painting #art #artist on tumblr #my art #digital illustration #artists on tumblr #digital drawing #digital art #blood tw #scopohobia tw #trelliaart #trellia-art

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scotianostra · 10 months ago

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September 2nd 1724 Maggie Dickson climbed the gallows in Edinburgh's Grassmarket, ready to take “The last drop”

Her downfall came when she got pregnant and tried to conceal the fact. Maggie’s husband had deserted her to work in the Fisheries in Newcastle in Northern England.

Consequently she had to leave Edinburgh and moved to Kelso in the south of Scotland. Whilst there she had an affair with an innkeepers son.

As the Innkeeper was her employer she felt compelled to keep the pregnancy quiet as she would lose her job. Tragically the baby died after being born prematurely and she decided to dispose of the body. She intended to cast it into the River Tweed but instead left it on the riverbank. It was soon found and the authorities quickly determined that Maggie was the mother. At that time such an action in Scotland contravened the 'Concealment of Pregnancy Act' of 1690 which made it tantamount to murder.

"Her reason for concealing the birth of the child was for fear of being made a public example in the church, and a laughing-stock to all her neighbours The legal and religious institutions were severe on women concerning matters of their pregnancy. Even the natural occurrences of miscarriage or still-born infants could incur the wrath of the law.

And so it was, Maggie was tried, convicted and sentenced to hang. The execution took place on the 2nd September 1724 in the Grassmarket area of Edinburgh. This was the favoured location for hangings at that time and normally took place on market day to ensure a sizeable crowd.

Her body was then taken in a coffin for burial to the town of Musselburgh which was east of Edinburgh. Apparently this was only after an unseemly scuffle between her family and local medical students keen for a young body to dissect. The corpses of the condemned were regularly passed to the Schools of Anatomy in the name of science in the 18th century.

The family had their way and took possession of Maggie's remains for burial. They set off on the journey and on the way stopped off at a pub for some refreshments in the Peffer Mill area. All of a sudden there came a knocking and banging on the coffin lid from the inside. Astonished, they opened up the coffin to discover that she was not dead.

Miraculously it seemed that Maggie Dickson had not succumbed to the gallows but had cheated death at the hands of the law. She was alive and well as confirmed by a local gardener on the scene who cut a vein to check for a flow of blood. After spending a night to recover Maggie actually walked back to Musselburgh the next day.

But what would happen next? As the death certificate had already been issued it was impossible to re-execute Maggie. This was because Scots Law is based on Roman Pandects and in this case it prohibited further action. Therefore the King's Advocate could not pursue the matter any further.

Instead he filed against the Edinburgh Sheriff in the High Court of Justiciary for not efficiently conducting the public execution. The ruling also meant that as Maggie was technically dead then her marriage was dissolved.

Furthermore, the prevailing opinion amongst people in Edinburgh considered her survival to be the result of divine intervention. Local people believed it had been 'God's will' that had spared her from an early grave.

Rumours persist that she actually seduced the ropemaker and convinced him to make the noose weak enough not to kill her. We will never know if that's the truth.

Whatever the facts of her hanging Maggie lived for another 40 years and had many children. Her husband remarried her despite that fact that she now sported rope burns and her neck was permanently crooked for the rest of her life. She is said to have ran an alehouse in Musselburgh for the rest of her life.

If you have ever visited Edinburgh’s Grassmarket you will have no doubt seen the names of the bars have a historical connection, The White Hart connects with King David I and his encounter with a White Stag, The Last Drop is of course a nod to the execution place and Maggie Dickson is for our erstwhile subject today, who the people of Edinburgh remember as “ Half-hangit Maggie “

#scotland #scottish #history #edinburgh #Grassmarket #Execution #Second chance

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mclennonlgbt · 1 year ago

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Combination of McLennon and Paul is dead

This is a post that I found on "Paul Is Dead: Examining The Life And Death of James Paul McCartney" FB group.

When this person writes "ShepLennon", they mean Billy Sheard (aka Faul) x Lennon.

They are confused but they've got a spirit lmao.

"*Bear with me a long post:

“McLennon” was not real. But SHEPLennon may well have been, and that solves a mystery…

Among Beatle fans there are some who believe that John Lennon and Paul McCartney were lovers from an early age. That they were soulmates, no one disputes, but there are many who disagree about John and Paul being the couple known as “McLennon”. Paul was extremely promiscuous with women, and seemed to put up with the fact that John seemed to be in love with him, or at least would get jealous. George Harrison famously told of a night in Hamburg where Paul was shagging some bird and John walked in, had a fit and cut up the girl’s clothes with scissors.

There are some pics of John and Paul gazing at each other with affection – as you’d expect from closely bound young men going through something unprecedented together. You can also find photos of J&P also looking with similar fondness at George and Ringo (they would practically sit on top of each other), all through 1963 and 1964, and part-ways through 1965.*** (More on this another time.)

Within the “McLennon” fandom, there is this great ‘mystery’. They all wonder why the breakup and the acrimony, etc, which makes no sense to them.

The thing is, the break up of the Beatles, the ugliness of it and the lingering distrust and resentment CAN’T make sense unless you understand that in September of 1966, Paul was assassinated and by November replaced by William Shepherd.

And that (because the Beatles initially believed that Paul had died in an accident, therefore having no reason to resent him, personally) the deeply grieving band initially had no personal issues re Billy, beyond wishing he’d not been ‘necessary’ (or ordered). It’s true that George, Paul’s OLDEST friend, never took to Billy, but John and Ringo go on fine with him.

Were Paul and John lovers? The man who sometimes comes into these forums and calls himself Liam Steen (who, like Billy and all of the MPL plants tells some truth mixed in with misinformation) said “No”. He emphatically and repeatedly said Paul McCartney was straight, and that he never did drop acid. Steen also said (emphatically) that JOHN and BILLY WERE attracted to each other, at least, and may have been lovers.

Photographs, videos, and gifs of John and Billy throughout 1967 and up through the recording of “Hey Bulldog” seem to bear this out. Lots of pictures of John and Billy walking through London with Martha the dog (likely Billy’s ‘familiar’) or driving together, and what seems to be some clear flirtatious ‘like lovers’ gazing, and touching.

Yoko told a story of Billy being called “John’s princess” by the staff at EMI, and also of hearing John calling out “for Paul” in a very needy, vulnerable way. Which sounds like she heard them having sex, but I digress.

All of that ENDS after the trip to India, where some sort of ritual was performed, connected to Paul (and using an artifact of Paul’s) that left the other three, most particularly John, completely traumatized, and for the rest of their lives.

The break was the beginning of Billy’s eventual ‘breakdown’ as the band no longer wanted to work with him (probably why he became so overcontrolling during the White Album) and John’s almost immediate attachment to Yoko. Both Linda and Yoko were alums of Sarah Lawrence College (a known ‘spook’-feeding school) and the men eventually married them within a week of each other… like lovers trying to piss each other off, or show that they were moving on. But John and Billy never did move on.

First they fought, and some of the legal wrangling that extended all of that had to do specifically with Billy being determined to continue using Paul’s name and identity (but that’s another story and “How do you sleep” was about exactly that).

But Billy and John were obsessed with each other and never stopped writing and talking about each other. There is a tape of John Lennon, at the piano, writing “Real Life” singing: “hold you in my arms/and now you’ve a baby, and another on the way…”

https://itspaulthewalrus.tumblr.com/post/651703402830708736/serenade-meow-amclennonblog-john-cries-while

And of course, now Billy won’t shut up about how much he loved John. When asked if John could return how he would spend the day with him, Billy answers, “IN BED.”

https://bewaremylove.tumblr.com/post/87659554397/q-if-john-lennon-could-come-back-for-a-day-how

The big “McLennon” mystery is not unsolvable if you begin from the premise that Paul McCartney was dead and John (for whatever reason) transferred his love to someone who was (at best) a facsimile of Paul, who made it feel like his Macca was still around, and who would both drop acid with him and be a lover.

And the break up after India makes perfect sense then, too. The McLennon people want to believe that the break up came because John wanted to be ‘out’ with “Paul” and Billy wouldn’t do it, wanted a family. And maybe that did happen. But Billy, by his own admission, is a witch and a magickian**** who tried to do something with Paul’s spirit while in India, through ritual that may well have included a blood element (ask me about Oblahdi, Obladah, sometime…) and that left John nearly psychotic".

#mclennon #paul is dead

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lrlamauthor · 5 months ago

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Hello, spamming every platform with the B&N sale because hey look, my weird, queer dragon books got fancy exclusive editions with sprayed edges (feathers and clouds!)! They're currently chilling in the top 200 on the website just behind SJM, which is surreal. These both come out March 4th, so in just under a month! Emberclaw is a brand-new release, the (somewhat delayed) follow-up to Dragonfall, and I was pretty excited that B&N decided to give the first book a glow up, too. It had a standard hardcover and I know people really like matching sets.

Pantomime comes out in September and is my revised and revamped preferred text of my debut, which first came out all the way back in 2013. Thanks to Dragonfall taking off in paperback, I got the chance to go back to R.H. Ragona's Circus of Magic, which is pretty cool. This was the first YA book with an intersex protagonist in any genre, as far as I can tell, though Micah has now been aged up to 17/18 and it is slightly more adult in this re-release.

A month before Dragonfall's launch the first time, I was a freaking wreck. This time, I am anxious, not least because releasing a trans book in today's climate is, well...it's something. I fly to the US at the end of the month for my little tour to New York, Rhode Island, and Boston, and who knows what will be going on in the country by that point. But there's lots to look forward to, and I've gotten really nice messages from people who love the series. Links if you'd like some pretty copies for 25% off (the code is PREORDER25), and it ends Feb 7th, 2025. Any help spreading the word would be great. You can also pre-order from your favourite indie store, too, if you prefer, or request from your local library.

Link to Dragonfall Exclusive Hardcover

"In Dragonfall, Lam has forged a fresh and intricate world, a smoldering romance, and a fire-new take on dragons."—Samantha Shannon, New York Times-bestselling author of The Priory of the Orange Tree

Long ago, humans betrayed dragons, stealing their magic and banishing them to a dying world. Centuries later, their descendants worship dragons as gods. But the "gods" remember, and they do not forgive.

Thief Arcady scrapes a living on the streets of Vatra. Desperate, Arcady steals a powerful artifact from the bones of the Plaguebringer, the most hated person in Lumet history. Only Arcady knows the artifact's magic holds the key to a new life among the nobles at court and a chance for revenge.

The spell connects to Everen, the last male dragon foretold to save his kind, dragging him through the Veil. Disguised as a human, Everen soon learns that to regain his true power and form and fulfil his destiny, he only needs to convince one little thief to trust him enough to bond completely—body, mind, and soul—and then kill them.

Yet the closer the two become, the greater the risk both their worlds will shatter.

Link to Emberclaw Exclusive Hardcover

"What you will find here may be exactly what you love in fantasy: Dragonfall is an intriguing blend of magic, a thief, trickery, and an unexpected dragon." —Robin Hobb, New York Times-bestselling author of Fool’s Assassin

Arcady faces their greatest heist yet: posing as a noble student at the arcane University of Vatra. When the University announces the reinstatement of archaic trials of magic, the ever-penniless Arcady seizes the chance. If they win, they not only prove their worth, but the scholarship will give them more time to unlock secrets and reveal, once and for all, that their grandsire was not the Plaguebringer. Yet grief still leaves Arcady broken, and when they close their eyes, they dream of a certain dragon.

Everen, once the hope of dragons, is now hated by his kind. When he is eventually released from his prison, the Queen is clear: while he may help protect the island from wraith attacks, he is no longer a prince of the realm. As he struggles to find his place in Vere Celene, visions of the past, the future, and tantalizing glimpses of Arcady still haunt him. If he steers the wrong path through fate’s storm, he may never be able to create a future where both humans and dragons live in harmony.

Arcady soon realizes that to survive the rising threats from both their old life and their new one, they must use every trick at their disposal—even magic stolen from a dragon they thought dead. And as time runs out before an ancient danger awakens, Everen must fight his way back to Arcady, earn their forgiveness, and learn what it truly means to be an Emberclaw.

Link to Pantomime Paperback (dunno yet if it's getting an exclusive edition--fingers crossed!)

"Pantomime is a fantastical, richly drawn, poignant take on a classic coming-of-age story . . . a vibrant tale told with surety and grace" — Leigh Bardugo

In a land of lost wonders, the past is stirring once more . . .

Micah runs away from a debutante’s life at home and joins the circus, harboring two secrets–one: he was born between male and female, and two: he may have powers last seen in mysterious beings from an almost-forgotten age.

Micah discovers the joy of flight as an aerialist, courting his trapeze partner, Aenea, and confiding in the mysterious white clown, Drystan. He finally feels free. But the circus has a dark side, and Micah’s past isn’t done with him.

Meanwhile, the strange 'ghost' of a woman with damselfly wings whispers to Micah that only he can help magic return to the realm, and he fears she may be right…

Micah has much to learn, and he must do it quickly—before his past and future collide, with catastrophic consequences.

#dragonfall #emberclaw #pantomime #fantasy books #nonbinary books #queer books #queernorm world

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pinkievie · 10 months ago

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Six controversial F.R.I.E.N.D.S opinions that I formed during a re-watch

Today marks 30 years since the Pilot episode of F.R.I.E.N.D.S first aired. Happy Anniversary to one of the best show's of all time!

A few years ago, when I learned that my partner hadn't seen a single episode of F.R.I.E.N.D.S, I forced him into watching the whole series, every single night, for months.

Obviously, he was critical at first. However, I soon witnessed what the true magic of this sitcom was - the characters. Once the viewer understands and connects with each of the six main protagonists (which may take a season or two), suddenly the comedy and the warmth becomes so much more brilliant.

I could see a brand new fan in the making as we watched the show together, and it became obvious to me just how important the long-term watching was. The show is riddled with running inside jokes based on the character's distinct personalities and their history in past episodes.

This is why you constantly hear of people saying that they watched one or two episodes of F.R.I.E.N.D.S and "didn't find it that funny", or the that the classic laugh track is annoying, or maybe that the characters were insufferable.

A casual viewer probably doesn't understand what is so funny about Joey sabotaging his own audition, Phoebe revealing something crazy about her past, Ross explaining how many divorces he's had, Monica tensing up at any sign of disorganisation, Rachel getting emotional over trivial things, or Chandler always having to have a sarcastic comment for any situation. But, for a fan who really knows these people, these running personality traits and archetypes are a result of the character's shared experiences and adorable friendship, getting funnier the more you watch the same jokes being developed.

However, it has now been three decades since the very first episode of F.R.I.E.N.D.S first aired on 22nd September 1994, and society and popular culture has changed a lot since then. I, myself, had a bunch of realisations after re-watching the show with fresh eyes, which I didn't expect at all. I now feel that the typical fan-favourite aspects of the show in the nineties and noughties are no longer as beloved as they once were.

Of course, there are new viewers of the Z generation who would argue the show is problematic, and, in some ways, they're not wrong. Ross's ex-wife and partner are constantly labelled as lesbians even when there is no need for it to be mentioned, and the earlier seasons imply that their relationship is unusual. Monica is fat-shamed, and Chandler's Dad is vaguely genderfluid and made fun of for it. However, comparing it to media published much later, I would say F.R.I.E.N.D.S holds up as a mostly non-harmful show. (But I will get to the Ross and Rachel issue later!)

I will only ever see F.R.I.E.N.D.S as comforting and non-malicious. Plus, let us not forget the waves that the show did make during the nineties. In season two, F.R.I.E.N.D.S became the first show to air a lesbian wedding on U.S television. It also portrayed single motherhood, blended family dynamics and same sex parents, homelessness, unemployment, vegetarianism, divorce, fertility treatment, surrogacy, adoption, casual sex. Most of these themes are still stigmatised and controversial today so, for 30 years ago, this was progressive.

However, I had my eyes opened when I watched the show again, this time not as a seven year old but as a fully-fledged adult in their twenties, with all the experience of this modern, improving world.

Here are the 6 conclusions I made that may make you re-think the long-standing view of the stories and characters:

Phoebe becomes a horrible friend

Don't get me wrong, in the early seasons Phoebe is very much the stereotypical warm and loving "hippy" friend, and she is seen cleansing people's auras, giving to the poor and supporting her loved ones. Her troubled backstory also meant she was able to shed perspective on the other character's trivial problems, particularly when it came to family.

However, mid-way through the show (around the time she gives birth to surrogate triplets for her brother) her character becomes more unpredictable and unfair. She continues to do good things, of course, but specifically in terms of friendship goals, I think later season Phoebe lacks a lot. She lies constantly, uses her childhood trauma to get what she wants, is flaky, ghosts people and cuts them out, gets angry when she's not getting attention, and is occasionally insulting and violent. She's definitely a strong and confident bad ass who doesn't take any crap, but in terms of being a good friend, Phoebe is at the bottom of the list of six. (Read on to see who's at the top of my list!)

Rachel is the "main character"

People may disagree with this but, when I was growing up and being raised by this show, despite Rachel essentially being the character who initiates the series by moving to New York in the Pilot episode, I saw all the protagonists as equally important. There was no main character. They were all the star, and they still are. As was reflected in the backstage bond between the actors all agreeing to be paid the same money throughout the show's run, every character is loved and an integral part of F.R.I.E.N.D.S.

However, there's a couple of things about Rachel's character and story that make her unique. Firstly, the way she is presented in the Pilot episode is that of an outsider coming into the friendship group, just like us as the viewer. So, for that important first season, Rachel becomes the viewer's eyes and ears, which is really special. As we are finding out about these characters, what they like, don't like, what they do for a living, their fears, so is Rachel. She is the closest to the audience in that respect. Rachel also goes through arguably the biggest transformation and character development on the show, going from a rich daddy's girl with no job and no responsibilities, to a mother with a fierce fashion career.

Another huge thing I noticed on a re-watch is that Rachel bonds strongly with each of the other five protagonists in ways I think is individual to her. She develops romantic crushes on all three of the boys (albeit, the Chandler one was only for one short flashback episode), and falls in love with two of them. She is also the only protagonist who has kissed everyone in the group, and she has also been room mates with everyone in the group. Whether you agree with Ross and Rachel or not, you could also see the 10 season show as a long love story or a "how I met your father" chronicle. During the last few episodes of F.R.I.E.N.D.S Rachel decides to say teary goodbyes to all the other friends individually, further showing up as the bridge between viewer and show, and coming full circle from Season 1.

Joey was the best friend, and was actually the most progressive

My listing of worst to best friend on the show would be Phoebe, Ross, Rachel, Monica, Chandler, Joey. Although, the real discovery is just how different Joey feels re-watching the show in the 2020's, compared to the nineties.

When the show first aired, it would be right to assume that Joey was presented as a "ladies man", regularly dating different women, sleeping with them and not calling them back. However, in the current age of dating apps and more normalised casual sex, this behaviour no longer feels awful. Yeah, so Joey might be care-free and forgetful, however when it comes to his long-term friends and people he loves, he is one of the most attentive, caring and forgiving characters. Joey is confident to be romantic, spoil and compliment a woman when he dates, and, unlike some of the other characters, he never cheats when he does get into a committed relationship.

Another huge realisation is just how progressive Joey was, even when he was made fun of for it by the other friends in the group. Being an actor, Joey was confident to wear or do unusual or "ladylike" things, including wearing male lipstick, ladies' underwear, and a male purse, and he doesn't flinch at drinking breast milk either in an early episode. The real loving side of Joey is emphasised during his crush and relationship with Rachel, where he behaves with so much sensitivity, patience and respect, even though it's his first proper love and heartbreak (more on that storyline later!).

Monica and Chandler were underrated and should have been the main romance

I actually think this opinion isn't controversial, and when I say "underrated" what I mean is that the the writers and show runners were blind-sided and unprepared for the huge positive reception this romance had from the fans of the show.

The famous episode where Monica and Chandler first sleep together in London was originally meant to be the start of a small, short fling romance, however it really was by the power of the F.R.I.E.N.D.S audience, who cheered so loudly in the studio during filming of that episode, that the writers were forced to develop the couple into the real deal - marriage, kids and happily every after.

Obviously every romance on the show had ups and downs however Monica and Chandler felt like such a stable, comfort couple, who found love amongst their own insecurities and flaws, and they become better people together. In the nineties and noughties, people will remember that Ross and Rachel were the more famous couple, however their constant break ups, low blows at each other and mind games, makes the re-watches hard to sit through. Monica and Chandler, on the other hand, radiate love and acceptance and a true healthy relationship. A relationship I look for.

Ross was very controlling

Whilst his storylines make for great comedy, it's obvious to most people during re-watches that Ross is borderline emotionally abusive. The Ross and Rachel love story which was once the centre piece of the show has been abandoned by most modern viewers, because of how Ross continues to sabotage their relationship and then place blame on Rachel, being overly jealous of her career, and of other male prospects. He is particularly unnecessarily angry when Joey reveals his crush on Rachel, as if he's got some kind of ownership on her despite not dating her for 8 years out of the 10 season show. And yet, he can move on and get married too quickly to someone else whenever he wants.

There was a time when Ross was the hopeless romantic of the show, seemingly having constant bad luck with the ladies and being awful at flirting. However, in hindsight, he is problematic. He moves on too fast and ruins his own wedding by saying the wrong name at the alter, gets involved with one of his student's, and deceives Rachel into thinking they are divorced when they are still married. Similar to Phoebe, Ross lies and has regular tantrums, to the point where other characters have to tip-toe around him to save his feelings.

Maybe once upon a time, Ross's intense undying love for Rachel would have been seen as sweet and adorable, but when I re-watched Rachel getting her dream job for the first time and Ross suddenly getting jealous and feeling inferior, wanting Rachel literally all to himself and to not have her own life, leading to the breakdown of their relationship (where it should have stayed, if I'm honest), it was clear Ross is a horrible boyfriend.

Joey and Rachel should have ended up together

I'm going to say it - Joey was too good for Rachel.

Following all my other realisations, I think this relationship should have been endgame, and something that I think if the show was made today, would have come true. Friends to lovers and unpredictable relationships are so popular on TV today, however in the noughties we were hit with the typical "red herring", when Joey and Rachel kiss in the Season 9 finale setting up the final season of the show in a new direction.

In a big whiplash moment, however, the romance was halted in just one, arguably silly episode, where Joey and Rachel find that they can not bring themselves to have sex because they are too close as friends. This was potentially all the fault of the main cast who were strongly against the Joey and Rachel romance, and felt it was wrong. Obviously, the actors do have some ownership over the authenticity and integrity of their characters, (and, for the most part, the actors did protest unfaithful storylines on many occasions), however I don't think anyone expected that future viewers would have rooted so heavily for Joey and Rachel.

Compared to Ross's controlling and toxic attitude, Joey has a heart of gold, and always gives Rachel the space and time she needs. He never throws tantrums, despite being completely heart-broken for most of Season 8, and always does the right thing by his feelings whilst respecting Rachel. Just the idea of these two being in a relationship is all we have, as the love story didn't have time to leave the ground. However, you have to admit, if a modern viewer could pick between Ross and Joey, I think it would be an obvious choice.

What are your (controversial or otherwise) F.R.I.E.N.D.S re-watch opinions??

#friends #f.r.i.e.n.d.s #friends anniversary #ross and rachel #joey and rachel #phoebe buffay #monica and chandler #joey tribbiani #rachel green #re-watch #my stuff

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