#rationally that can't really be true because who defines enough anyways

[solitary-sapphic]

I am so tired

[gingergofastboatsmojito]

Purpose, chef!

Premise: Nothing can be sustained without it.

Not a restaurant, not a family, not a job, not even a meaningful conversation.

❤️ ←This is where purpose lives.

Some people lead with it, some others are more rational. All of them, at some point, come to realize that in order to go on they will need to find their true purpose. They will hit a wall. Life happens.

This purpose, this REASON WHY they're doing it and why they're willing to face challenges, beat all odds or give it their best shot, doesn't necessarily have to be gradiloquent, like changing the world. It can be:

Or:

Sharing your dreams with someone, has a purpose, a reason why you do it. And that's love, in one way or another. Love has many facets. One of them is the one we all wish for Sydcarmy, but it's certainly not the only one.

In Sydcarmy's case what S3 showed us was how they went through a Purpose Crisis, which I went over → here and in a nutshell → here.

Both are going throught their own personal hell, but none of them remembers right now why exactly they are putting up with all of that shit. That's the crisis and the opportunity to re-purpose their entire relationship in order to carry on. If they fail to do this, they are gonna part ways and find purpose elsewhere, only if they're lucky. It doesn't always work like that... you'll see, purpose doesn't grow on trees. And very much like love, it can't be controlled, managed, it either exists or it just doesn't. Because love and purpose are inextricably intertwined concepts.

Love gives purpose and purpose cannot exist without love.

I'm one of the ones who advocates for communication, BUT it's not just any communication. Not anything is better than this:

I'm team effective communication, which is to say that they can only break the cycle of miscommunication with:

Words

Actions

Comprehension

Compromise

Patience

GAME CHANGER: ONLY IF THERE'S A WILL → And for that they need to re-find/remember their purpose. Or even re-define it, if necessary. If their original purpose no longer serves them to be happy, they should re-signify it, which I went over HERE already and think will happen next season.

I actually have been reading the writing on the wall since before S3 happened because important and enough are not the same thing.

The other C word → Comprehension (granted not anyone can serve comprehension. I trust Sydcarmy, though).

I see them trying to communicate all the time, they are starting sentences and not finishing them. There's a lot going on under their surface at all times. They are mirroring each other, even in silence. And they have always had, and still have, unspoken communication.

Which is not enough but it's important.

They are just not on the same page right now because they are no longer understanding each other. I spotted that even before S3 premiered actually, it was painfully obvious and I mentioned it → here.

The catch: Understanding (can’t happen without communication).

They need to understand each other. At a conscious level. They still got it unconsciously, that’s why she hasn’t quit. She knows deep deep down. Carmy knows too, that he’s doing all of this for her and he doesn’t know it’s wrong because according to everything he learned, it is right.

But right now they just don’t understand why they are doing all of this (PURPOSE). It’s because they ❤️ each other, we know that but they don’t. Not consciously, anyway… They have to understand that and the rest will follow.

Communication without understanding is just noise.

So, basically what they need is effective communication to really understand each other and remember why they are doing this together. If they are no longer doing it for a star, for recognition, for success, for vindication, and only for each other because none of those even if achieved would mean shit unless they get them TOGETHER, then that needs to be their new purpose because if this crisis serves them to realize that all that matters is THE PEOPLE, then that's even better than winning a bullshit star. If they need to re-find the same purpose they originally had, which was:

Then so be it.

His purpose:

To me Carmy's purpose is quite clear and fixed. It won't change because SYD IS HIS PURPOSE and to a certain extend he knows it. Regardless of how ready or not he's to admit it at this point (he's not there yet, unfortunately).

He keeps choosing her though → over and over.

Carmy has already made his purpose clear time and time again, whether Syd understands it or not (she doesn't yet, unfortunately).

Carmy shared his dream with her and before that he put her in charge of Mickey’s legacy, his most valuable asset (emotionally).

He's putting himself through hell to get her the star she wanted (not saying this is OK but this is what he did). He never wanted a Michelin Star restaurant, he wanted that restaurant to be THEIRS, that was enough for him, till this moment:

She's soooo much his whole purpose to do any of this that he made her partner, or is trying to.

She’s the only one he apologizes to without being told to, spontaneously, because she's his purpose to be a better person. A person that deserves her.

He created houndreds of menus for her, to rotate them every day, because his purpose is to give her that star, because she's his star.

He wants her to get some rest while he continues to work on a dish inspired by her polka dots headscarf and losing sleep, which is something he does every night, he stays there sleeplessly working on the menu, after everyone leaves.

He wants her by his side when he says goodbye to Ever, which means a lot to him.

His whole purpose is to share his life with her, in whatever shape or form that may take. In this case, that shape is The Bear, but they could re-signify that purpose if needed, to stay together if this is no longer working for them. He will let Syd make that call. Because he trusts her.

Her purpose:

We're yet to find out whether Syd will remember, find out, or re-signify her purpose, and once she does, she will decide and act out on it to either stay by his side or leave him. It all depends on her purpose or lack thereof. Whatever that might be. Whatever shape it takes moving forward.

My point is: What's clear right now is that they are not consciously making any choice based on purpose. That's the knot they gotta untie to break free from the vicious cycle they are now trapped in.

They are already making it unconsicously though:

Bonus track: The Jacket (I knew it!)

Remember to follow my tag #Gingerpovs 💋

[togglessymposium]

This is an interesting and thoughtful post, and I'm glad you wrote it, though I don't really have the same feeling. I had a sort of middle-center-right upbringing, followed by a pivot across the aisle as a young adult at about the time (mid-aughts?) that some real daylight was starting to show between liberalism and leftism in a politically consequential way; there was an acclimatization period where I was sampling rather heavily from both, but the last 10-15 years have been almost exclusively from the liberal side of the dyad, and I'm definitely growing more sharply defined in that over time. I've identified personally and quietly as 'anti-SJ' for at least a decade now- depending on my social environment. I fancy that I've managed to do so without catching the mind virus or hanging my trans friends out to dry.

The cringe away from certain ideas was... there, I guess, but inconsistently. Cringe is very much downstream of social norms, and as the years went on and my peers and friends group got selected more and more from Blue Tribe, 'normal' started to shift as well. And anyway I think I've been cringing less and less as time goes by; the liberalism itself is terrific for cultivating empathy, and a celebration of all the wacky shit that humans get up to.

I think what you're underestimating here is the role of consensus-based epistemics and their implicit threats towards nonconformity, and what that does to people's sense of belonging. Particularly when they have staked their identities and reputation on iconoclasm! Sticking with the healing crystal analogy for a moment-

The problem isn't that healing crystals are popular, per se. It's that healing crystals are a condition and signifier for group membership, and you're literally not welcome in many spaces if you don't bring your healing crystal, even spaces you helped found and build, and failing to do so will be met with as much resistance as the organized left is capable of leveraging. I am pretty sure, in fact, that a large chunk of the leftish community feels on some level that they have to use this kind of non-rational social force to push ideas; certainly anybody who's been immersed in that culture for more than about five years will have experience with moral norms changing on a dime, or the social catastrophe of using a previously-correct form of moral reasoning in circumstances where it doesn't achieve the desired answer. You can't actually argue somebody in to believing in healing crystals, because it's not true or even attempting to be a truth claim really. It's a form of fashion, like skinny jeans. You just demonstrate a cool new lifestyle and hope people will imitate it, and once you have enough people imitating it, you pivot towards enforcing it with social hierarchy- in other words, weaponizing the cringe in the other direction. Setting the cringe of crystal healing against the far greater cringe of not fitting in.

There's a subtle problem with this, even if moral fashion happens to line up in the moment with the world you want to live in- and progressive moral claims usually do, for me. But the nature of fashion is such that you never get to be secure in those fashions for any length of time. The contrarian in me gets grumpy when some listicle tells me that I'm obliged to leash my epistemic reasoning to demographics, sure; that's going nowhere good, and would in itself be grounds for politely parting ways with the progressive wing. But far more corrosive even than that is the ongoing fear that existentially important pillars of progressive moral philosophy are subject to revision without notice, because there is no mechanism providing for consistency across time or between different domains. If I wake up tomorrow and The Consensus is that gay men are misogynistic for not dating women, there's absolutely nothing I can do about that, nor is there any possible guarantee today that it won't happen. I could trivially construct such an argument in the proper progressive vocabulary right now, and the fact that it's inconsistent with established progressive norms is no counterargument. On the contrary, it's desirable, because it helps sort the most up-to-date and fashionable progressives from those who are slow adopters.

As a result, once you have enough experience to understand how protean these social norms can be, you never quite feel safe in progressive spaces. It's always a competition, always climbing a slippery pole trying to make sure you stay ahead of those shifting fashions and don't accidentally wear last year's virtues. And you have limited-to-no ability to make sure that those fashions don't do grievous harm to the lives of you and the people you care about, and sometimes they just will; we're not really talking about quartz rocks and skinny jeans here. If you're in a position of relative security, or if the top of that pole offers you something that you couldn't get otherwise, this is sometimes worth it- it has many problems, but the system really isn't as dystopian as all that. But it can never be a home, really, a place you go to feel comfortable and safe. The people around you become both your competitors and your judge in a grand competition with arbitrary and sometimes terrible rules. Some people seem to thrive in that panopticon; I certainly don't, and I think a lot of the derangement syndrome follows from it.

That said, this process is really good for generating miles of discourse and thoughtful debate from many different angles. Listening to all of these conversations can be tremendously helpful for persistent and consistent moral growth; I don't think I'd have understood trans issues half as well as I do now if I hadn't been attentive to the internal progressive conversation. I just don't want to stake my identity or my happiness on the outcome.

Imagine one day a new social trend starts spreading. It’s something unbelievably dumb. Not harmful per de, but truly silly to believe. Let’s say, I dunno, healing crystals start going mainstream. Everybody’s talking about their crystals. It becomes impolite to criticize people who believe in healing crystals. They become a big part of people’s personalities, and people on TV start talking about them, and one day years down the line politicians are debating funding for crystal-based medicine. And through it all you are sitting there going, what the fuck is happening. I thought we were all on the same page on this. You want to get along and be friendly and open minded but you cannot pretend to believe in healing crystals, this is nonsense, and when the topic comes up you refuse to lie about it. This eventually starts to have social consequences—they’re that popular!—but what can you do? You cannot pretend a lump of quartz can cure the flu or whatever. It’s just all so unbearably embarrassing.

I think what the centrist/liberal/center-left reactionary turn driven by culture war stuff feels like. And I think the key emotion is probably cringe. Not hate, not fear, though those emotions may reinforce the turn. I think in a lot of cases people who imagine themselves pretty open minded and flexible have as part of their worldview something they thought was bedrock social consensus—on the level of “healing crystals are silly woo”—so bedrock maybe that it didn’t even need to be a conceptual boundary they actually policed in their minds.

For instance, when she started her anti-trans turn, JK Rowling made a big show of not being really anti trans, just arguing that Some People Had Gone Too Far. She wasn’t a frothing religious reactionary, after all. And I believe that’s probably true! I think Rowling probably did have a mental model of sex and gender with a little bit of give in it—of the “we can humor the odd weirdo” type. But as the discussion of trans rights in the UK got more serious over her lifetime, trans people went from “the odd weirdo” to “a recognized minority,” and eventually this ran against a bedrock belief that on some level men are men and women are women and never the twain shall meet. To act otherwise was just too embarrassing. And she wasn’t going to embarrass herself in the name of political correctness.

Other people whose brains have been eaten by the anti-woke mind virus (as @eightyonekilograms calls it) have something going of the contrarian in them, who enjoys yelling “up yours, woke moralists!” or w/e. Im thinking of ppl like Glenn Greenwald here, or Dave Chapelle, people who seem not to feel alive except when people are mad at them. That’s a separate but interesting dynamic. And there are people like Graham Linehan who become totally unhinged through this process of auto-radicalization, moths drawn ever closer to a particular source of validation within their chosen reactionary subcommunity, until they are truly parodies of themselves. That is also an important dynamic, but it’s one that only takes hold after the initial turn has begun.

I think the role of that feeling of cringe, that refusal to entertain an idea because it is too embarrassing (even if it does actually have a decent body of research behind it, unlike crystals) is important to think about, because I am interested in how to get people over it. I know that feeling has affected my own thinking over my lifetime. I wasn’t raised particularly conservative, but I had to learn not to cringe at a lot of feminist thought before I could appreciate it and learn from it. I explicitly didn’t have that cringe when it came to gay people for whatever reason, so it never entered my mind that it might be a problem. I remember being surprised to learn when I was very young that some boys wanted to marry other boys, but my response was “huh. Go figure.” Because for whatever reason I had not picked up that this was something I was supposed to be grossed out by. A general doctrine of empathy, of trying to understand people on their own terms, can help forestall some of this stuff, but it’s not foolproof in either direction—I don’t want to believe crystals have healing powers if it becomes socially popular to do so, just because it is socially popular to do so! And if they do, I don’t want to not believe they do just because it is socially unpopular!

(Obviously the crystals thing is not a one to one metaphor for the trans thing, so don’t read too much into that. Maybe astrology would have been a better analogy. Also I’m not talking just about people whose reactionary turn is predicated on trans issues—I think this dynamic applies to everything from gay rights to the Tridentine Mass. But trans issues are a handy example bc, as the adage goes, somebody posts once about trans people and they never post anything normal again. I think the classic rapid-onset trans derangement syndrome is closely tied to the fact that gender norms are a really deep element of many people’s social-consensus-based worldview, and so challenged to that worldview are felt as really cringe.)

I’m curious if other people who grew more liberal in their thinking over time had a similar experience of having to overcome what was basically a feeling of embarrassment at certain ideas.

[samtheflamingomain]

25.21%

I've been sober for 3 months today. 92 days. 25.21% of 2021.

I could've posted more updates, more milestones (it took a LOT not to post on Day 69) but I wanted to kind of save it up for a Big Day. It was also a decent way to continue to incentivize my continued sobriety: a full pass to do a shameless, hardcore bragging sesh.

Anyway, this post comes in 2 parts: the TL;DR for those who only want the gist, then more in depth on my ability to stay sober, the lasting effects of rehab, etc.

I tried my damnedest to pare this absolute novel down, but it's long, so feel free to dip out if you just get bored. Onward!

TL;DR: I went to rehab the beginning of July for 3 weeks and haven't had a drop of alcohol since. I've lost weight, I'm more healthy, my daily anxiety level went from 8 to 2, I haven't had an anxiety attack in 3 months, and everything generally just seems... easier. My memory and concentration have improved. I've been productive and I've been meditating every day. I'm saving money, and while I sometimes fantasize about getting drunk, that's usually all it is.

Honestly, it's been much easier than I expected, but I think a lot of that is because for the first 3 weeks, the time in which I would usually break down and start drinking again when trying to get sober myself, was spent behind a locked door. So far I haven't had any days where I was close to giving in. I haven't had many days where I've been depressed about it, missing it or really tempted. Maybe 3-4. I've basically just gotten on with my life as if alcohol doesn't exist.

To wrap up the short version for those ready to peace out, I'll leave it with a bit of advice.

I don't feel qualified to give any specific advice, because my story feels very unique to me, and I honestly don't think what worked for me will work for MOST people. Sometimes people spend a year in rehab and still drive straight to the liquor store on their way home.

That said, there's one thing that I've found pretty universally true: you have to really want it. For a while, I floated about without much of a "reason" to stay sober. I don't have a spouse, kids or a job I've been fired from, so I didn't see the point.

It's taken me a while, but after not being "convinced" by a few superficial "reasons" like weight loss and saving money, I thought I needed something more... permanent? Consequential? I now realize that my "reason" for getting sober at a young age after only a few years of alcoholism is that I don't want it to get to a point where I'm hurting other people, drinking myself into multiple lasting health problems... I don't want it to become permanent or consequential.

Anyway, that's my two cents. If you do have something like kids or trouble keeping a job, definitely use that as your reason. But for anyone who's a pretty "functional" alcoholic like I was, "not letting it go on long enough to become disfunctional" is a good enough reason.

This is going to get stupid long, so feel free to walk away now, just glad you read this much and it really does mean the world when people listen to what I have to say.

Now some more things in depth. I'll go in chronological order: what made me get sober, what I took from rehab (and what I left), and how it's been the past few months.

I started drinking when I got kicked out, manic out of my mind and homeless unable to sleep. It took a while until I was able to sleep without alcohol, but by then the addict brain had taken over. I'd tried a few times to get sober myself, but I never made it more than a week without, and always got back to daily drinking after a few months maximum.

Some people need a "wake up call", a "last straw" or a "rock bottom". Something external to make them realize they can't go on as they are. For me, the catalyst was my health, which is more of an internal reason I suppose. I didn't have a heart attack or liver failure, but my anxiety was getting uncontrollable and I knew it was directly tied to my drinking.

My life had been starting to feel tolerable, and I was more financially secure than ever before. Things were looking up... except for the alcoholism. This is a weird analogy but the only one that makes sense to express why, if I was doing so well on paper, I decided to go to rehab: you have to sweep before you mop. If I hadn't been in the place I was, I don't think I would've been successful at rehab. I had to sweep up the cat turds from the floor of my life before I was able to mop up the shit stains with sobriety. I know, I'm a true wordsmith.

When I finally called the hotline that hooked me up with a bunch of different rehabs, I knew I was in for a wait. It was about 5 months from that call to checking in, which isn't too bad considering I've been on the waitlist for a neuropsychiatrist in ALL OF CANADA for 4 years.

That brings us to July 12th, Rehab Day One. I've gone in depth in multiple other posts but to touch on it briefly, if I had to describe my experience in a sentence I'd say "the place I went to got very lucky with me".

What this means is that, of the 5 people in my group, I think this exact program was only ever going to help me. At the same time, I didn't even know what I would need, but this exact program was 90% of it. I didn't think 3 weeks would be long enough, but for me it was. The hours-long, repetitive, basic-ass CBT groups held 5 times a day 7 days a week was absolute torture for everyone but myself. While it was a drag to spend an hour on defining what a cognitive distortion is, the routine and repetition, something I've never gotten out of any outpatient program, helped me to really absorb the information and let it rewire my brain.

I've always said that I'm someone who should be spending an hour a day with a therapist for the rest of my life, and while that's not even remotely feasible, this was as close as it's ever gotten, and it proved me right, because it worked. I've done biweekly therapy for a short time but even that didn't come close to the way my brain changed in those 3 short weeks.

This program required absolute commitment and open-mindedness. This isn't because it was hard work or difficult concepts, but quite the opposite. While I hate the entire concept of art therapy being used as a cure-all for mental illness, I willingly got out of my bed, went downstairs and tried doing a dot mandala for an hour because I'm willing to try anything to get better. A lot of people might think they are, but really aren't. To use the mandala as an example, one guy was really into it, I wasn't, but we both finished. The other 3 tried, messed up a few times, and then scrolled through their phones. When I say this program necessitates complete engagement, that's not a compliment. It shouldn't be a chore to engage with the program. It shouldn't take me actively saying "I know I've known this basic concept since 4th grade, but maybe hearing it again will help" to get something out of a rehab program. So again, in every way, I got lucky, and so did they.

Before I finish with the rehab section, having had a few months to reflect on the whole thing, I now have an endless list of things wrong with it. I arrived, greeted by the most jaded and disillusioned of staff, and quickly became disturbed and at points concerned with just how negligent the staff are.

Maybe it's because I've been on the psych ward where they won't even let you have shoelaces and shine a flashlight on your face every half hour through the night, but it could've been so incredibly easy to sneak in alcohol. I brought 2 full water bottles, fully expecting to have to dump them out upon arrival, but they said "nah it's fine". Is it though?

Then there were actual counsellors there who were... okay. I recall one, the one I thought was the smartest, reading a handout aloud and coming across the word "delve" as in "let's delve into..." and stumbled, then said she doesn't know that word. The room was silent. As she pulled up Google on the screen I said, "it means to dive into it". She Googled it anyway. Synonyms include "dive in". If that was the only example I wouldn't mention it, but this was the first of at least 10 words she had do Google, none past a 10th grade level, from HER OWN MATERIAL. From that point on it became clear that they had no fucking idea what they were doing.

We had one last one-on-one counselling session before we left and the counsellor just filled in boxes to questions on her computer, rephrasing everything I said to fit into the buzzwords and "lessons" we'd "learned". Example. Me: I do think I'm better able to catch myself thinking 'oh I can just have one drink' and say 'no I can't'." Her: "Okay, so would you say that you can recognize negative cognitive distortions like permission-giving thoughts and counter them with a more rational and less emotional mind?" Like girl, blink twice if your boss is holding your family hostage. She gave me some papers, detailing all the online courses they were signing me up for and options for more treatment they'd be sending me, a phone number to call and a phone appointment for the next Monday. I never got that call, the phone number is a hotline, I never got a single email from them, and given how shitty they really are at their jobs, I didn't feel the inclination to try and get those resources. If they even exist in the first place.

In summation, it was a place where it was physically impossible to get alcohol. That's really all I can say in its favor. Oh, and they let you have your cell phone.

Now on our timeline I'm back home. I want to kind of analyze why it's been easy for me.

I often said that my main goal of going to rehab was to lock me away from alcohol long enough for it to reset my brain. Most people thought that was naïve, but that's exactly what happened. But I'm well aware that my experience of "instantly became sober and literally hasn't had a single hard day in 3 months" is absurdly unusual.

I put this down to a few things. Firstly, I'm on seven different meds for my mental health. Almost all of them have their effects dulled or even eliminated when you drink. So when I noticed my mood, fatigue, memory, concentration etc all getting better at once - right about as I left rehab, I don't think it would be a stretch to say that all those meds started working properly.

Secondly, I've been keeping myself busy, but that's something I've always been good at. Now I specifically choose to undertake projects that will eat up a lot my time and put me in a state of flow. I recently made an entire card game from scratch, and let me tell you, I didn't think of alcohol for a week.

Thirdly, my other goals now get in the way of alcohol. I'm getting old and my body is deteriorating. But I've always wanted to do just one last season of gymnastics. Well, I need to lose weight for that to happen. I've already lost 35 pounds, and after another 20 I'll be ready to go. Also, I used to spend more on alcohol per month than rent. Even though I've done a few shopping sprees lately, I haven't come remotely close to how much I was spending before.

I want it more than anything. I want to be sober more than I want one night of "fun" that will more likely than not lead me back to where I was a year ago. I never want to need anything as much as I needed alcohol.

Lastly, just a few more random thoughts.

A lot of people, myself included, worried about the fact that I work at a bar as a cook, but honestly the entire time I'm there I'm thinking about food, not alcohol. If I'm hanging out with some regulars before/after, I can watch them drink and be perfectly fine with my coffee, because the coffee is $2, and I used to spend $20 after every work shift.

I also decided in rehab to start taking better care of myself as best I could. This started with getting my second vax which I'd been putting off, then an eye appointment, then new glasses, then a dentist appointment where I was informed I need to do $3000 worth of work on my implant that's erroding my bone matter, so that sucks, but I caught it early. I've also been meditating every day. In just 3 months, I've made pretty big improvements to my self-care and my daily routine.

One of my fears about sobriety was "missing out" on "having fun". A few days ago, all my housemates got together to play Mario Party, and it was kind of my first night doing something social while sober. It was a breath of fresh air - I wasn't constantly running to piss, I didn't worry about running out of alcohol, I didn't get sloppy and obnoxious as I can sometimes do. I even came very very close to winning my first game of MP. When I reflected on the night, I realized that, if I'd been getting drunk the whole time, I would've sucked at the minigames, been a hindrance to anyone unfortunate enough to be teamed with me, and likely would've stopped caring about the game itself after the first few turns.

Yesterday I was making my 4th pot of coffee of the day when I realized there was a full glass of wine just sitting on the counter. I had absolutely no idea where the hell it came from - nobody in my house drinks wine. I shrugged and poured that sweet sweet bean juice. It was only when I sat down and took a sip of coffee did I find myself thinking automatically, "this tastes so much better than wine". I only realized then that it had been rose wine, the only kind I've ever been able to tolerate. It was the ultimate moment of possible temptation, and the thought of just chugging that glass - as I may've done in the past - didn't even cross my mind.

I'm so glad to be where I am. I'm about to undergo some serious financial changes - i.e. going absolutely broke - but drinking isn't gonna help that, so I'm cautiously optimistic.

Stay Greater, Flamingos.