#ranting rn so proceed with caution

[kuroosdarling]

what’s the deal with people commenting on your appearance when you don’t feel well

[sunglassesmish]

one thing that really annoys me and that i normally wouldn’t bitch about on main but i’m just not feeling all that great today so i’m gonna - is how some people who ship buddie but liked tommy - both in general and with buck - are acting. (editing this to say it got really long and a little off topic so proceed with caution)

before 7x10, they’d be like omg he’s so funny, so considerate, he’s so cute/handsome!! with an added disclaimer of (i still ship buddie and i think they’re gonna be endgame but i’m enjoying tommy and him with buck in the meantime!)

and then after that dinner scene, it was like a switch flipped. he’s so disgusting, insensitive, how dare he make a daddy issues joke when buck was talking about bobby basically being his father and when he was basically dying!!! how dare he!!!! i’m not gonna go into how that’s a gross misinterpretation of the scene and just plain wrong because that’s a whole other rant.

it was a drastic change. there’s all these posts hating on him, on everything they’d liked about him before. having the most negative misinterpretations of things they’d literally praised about him saying/doing before. all but rewriting canon dialogue to create this narrative of how much characters, mostly eddie, feel towards tommy.

now i see so many of these people making and/or reblogging posts saying they can’t wait for buck to break up with tommy because he either somehow mistook his feelings for eddie with feelings for tommy because they’re baSicaLly tHe sAme pErSon, or that eddie and everyone else will be like we never liked him in the first place, or some other insane post about how they’d kill tommy or rant about how much they hate him for things they literally had no problem with before.

like i’m not saying you can’t change your mind about a character, but i just think it’s crazy how much people can start to hate someone they literally had no problem with after ONE comment.

and this is another thing partially related, but seeing how the tommy hate has gotten so out of hand, i see comments on twitter and tumblr and even on instagram posts from the cast hating on him that veer towards sounding just plain homophobic. like the killing tommy ‘jokes’ ??? you’re not funny. you sound homophobic. ‘but i’m not homophobic for not liking a character and making a joke!!’ okay so imagine literally anyone else who knew nothing about the show making a comment like you’re doing. it’s not a good look.

to me, it seems clear that to these people, tommy was just meant to be a placeholder. he was meant to only be there for buck to realise his bisexuality, and then buddie was meant to be canon and so tommy is in the way somehow. because people took bi buck being shut down back in season 4 to be proof that buddie was meant to have gone canon (which i’m not saying wasn’t the case, but it’s never been confirmed or really even hinted at.)

so now anything to do with tommy just makes people so mad, because he’s still here and buddie isn’t happening. so they’re purposefully having the most negative interpretation of anything to do with tommy to make themselves feel better.

hating on tommy makes it easier to deal with the fact buddie doesn’t seem to in the cards (at least rn). so people don’t have to really consider that it may never happen, so they don’t have to shift the blame onto the actors and writers and anyone else. so they can continue to read into any oliver and ryan interaction into meaning canon buddie, anything they say in interviews that doesn’t point towards canon buddie, to misinterpret anything they do say (including ryan continuously calling eddie heterosexual, that’s a big one) because they can’t give away anything yet, it has to be a surprise!!!

tldr: people are hating on tommy after 7x10, and it’s less to do with anything he said in that scene and more to do with the fact that he’s still on the show and buddie doesn’t seem to be going canon. and that hating on him makes it easier to deal with that fact.

[daemonlikestodraw]

Okay so allow me to be extra autistic today bc yesterday i saw THIS picture on twitter

(Creator of the image is @/schizomollys on twitter)

So i thought "Hey, why not make this into my ocs respective universes?" bc sex and sexuality are themes that fascinate me and they are vv important in some of my stories sooooooo, with that being said,

WELCOME TO MY EXTREMELY LONG RANT ABT THIS STUPID THEME

CW before y'all continue reading: This post will include uncomfortable or disturbing topics revolving around sexuality, such as sexual violence, loneliness, trauma and trauma responses, over all, this post was NOT meant for minors or those easily disturbed into reading, this is meant to be an +18 post; proceed with caution or skip this post, thanks for your attention.

Starting with my firstborn and the apple of my eye: Blue Skies, Red tides.

This will be more complicated to explain cause it has MANY characters with different stories to tell and how they intertwine w each other, but i will try to break it down as easily as i can

The dot is ubicated near the "loving sex" and "sex is just sex" corner, this is more of a global distinction to have, but since bsrt is my first story ever, its more "clean" and a "day-to-day" thing into the characters lives, so let me example some few characters

Lana Sun-Rise (any pronouns): The protagonist of bsrt, the once called "Hero of the monsters" and nowadays, just a simple scientist (in their own eyes), has quite an active sexual lifestyle. Because they also love to travel through universes (im not gonna explain the worldbuilding rn, that's for a different post👹👹) they have found himself different sexual partners, JUST SEXUAL PARTNERS.

Romantically speaking, she has a rocky romantic life, and prefer being single for many reasons, from bad experiences with their past relationships, to their job and the importance of them inside the society. Lana is in no way related to showbiz, but they are still considered a celebrity inside the universe, plus they have a charming personality! So many people try to approach them for ulterior motives or their patients developing feelings for her.

Because of this, they prefer just casual one nighters, especially when they are traveling, but deep down, he craves for a meaningful connection.

They long for a loving relationship, a deep connection with another so they can feel like themselves. Let me explain, because Lana is a monster (also not gonna expand myself in this, that's for another post) they have some unresolved issues with their own image and monstruous side. Scars from the past, her sharp claws, the spikes that grow in his body, his sharp teeth, all things that they hide in order to look like a "human" while still being a monster, they wanna feel like themselves with another one.

And that is a struggle too because their monstruous features were also a thing to fetishize by past partners, so to them, sex is just sex, ravaged by their past, but longing for that loving and closeness a partner can exchange.

Dark, "Dee", Cattaneo(they/it): as an aroace monster, its both simple yet complicated at the same time. You see, Dee is especially a sex-repulsed aroace monster, but they still have had their own stories to tell. Because it is a shapeshifter, they were seen as an object in the past, not necessarily sexual but in general.

You see, unlike Lana, what charms people around Dee is not their personality, but their looks. Most people trying to get close to it is purely for ulterior motives, it could be money, a favor, power or how "attractive" they are. With their tall and brooding presence people feel either unsettled or "attracted" to them. I put that in quotations because it isn't attraction, but they see Dark as a fetish.

Because of their shapeshifting powers, it is anyone's most perverted dream come true, right?

That's most of the times cases, and Dee knows this. They use this as a way to manipulate and use people as they like, which sounds awful but aye, i never said Dee is a good person. Dee sees sex as something they can use to control people to their liking (besides money or threats), as people use it's body's for pleasure, they use it to control their minds. I'd say they are quite an expert on using people's minds for their advantage lmao

Because they were used in the past, they use people now as some sort of personal vendetta (to Dee, everyone is the same). It was violent, but now sex is just sex, and they dislike people they have sex with.

(Note to clarify: Dee's libido is a whole enigma to me, id say they have a very low almost null libido for everyone, human or monster)

Jack Albarn (he/him): Oh boy this one is a wholeeee theme. He is probably the character who's sex and his lifestyle is most important in the whole inside universe (or in my stories in general) so buckle in guys.

Jack is bisexual and has a very high libido for women and men equally. His whole character revolves around the idea of love, obsession, and of course, sex. But not in a he is a perverted freak who is looking to bang anyone, i mean he might be a perverted freak but for other reasons. He enjoys his sexuality, and he loves exploring this side of him, he is very open minded to this sort of things, and while he does hookups, he also remembers and sort of craves the sentiment of lovingly surrender his body to other.

Despite that, Jackie has a very wicked sense of love, not sex, but love, which makes him blur his psyque of what a healthy relationship could be. (I reaaaally wanna expand on Jackie's love life but this post is already long and i have two whole other characters i need to write, so again, that's for a different post in the future) while his love life is rocky, his sexual life is more normal, he likes the thrills of a kinky lifestyle but respects his partners boundaries and limits, he never forces someone into something they aren't into.

I DON'T REALLY WANNA SHARE HIS WHOOOOLE KINKLIST TBH, JUST GONNA SAY HE HAS A LOT, and this is tied to his past and his traumas! So just be respectful about it. He doesn't mind being called a slut, a whore or things of sorts, he knows he is one and takes pride into it! To him, sex is just sex, but nothing compares to loving,,,, right?

That would be the case, but he also has bunch of body image and mental health issues that make it even harder to connect emotionally with not only his sexual partners, but everyone surrounding him. A well intended comment or pointing out something about his body can trigger him into panic, and would rather put his clothes back on.

To Jack, sex is just sex, something to have fun with! He sees it as a way to have fun, and just that. But the hopes of having a connection with his partner are still there.

(A clarification id like to do: high libido ≠ hypersexuality, but a not-so-fun fact is that he was firstly intended to be hypersexual, but then i discarded that idea because he is, well, a villain inside the story, and i felt like making a villain have this trauma response would make it look like im demonizing hypersexuality, which made me reconsidering this aspect. Despite that, i really don't mind hypersexual headcanons onto Jackie ONLY if they are done with the respect it must be done with, he is not your fetish, he is my character and he has real aspects even if he is fictional. If you yourself are hypersexual let this be your reminder that you are loved, your experiences are valid and your traumas don't make you less of a person or a perverted freak. Please take care of yourself, stay safe and keep on breathing, you are a delight to have in this world! :D)

There are bunch of other characters who's sexual life is also interesting (in my brain) but to keep it short, almost everyone in Blue skies red tides look for the closeness intercourse (i ran out of words to exchange w sex i am so sorry) but let me be clear, sexual relationships AREN'T the only way to get this, and most characters inside the story HAVE reached this goal without the necessity of sex. People in bsrt feel love and connections with their peers, friends, family and a long etc. And Lana, Dee and Jackie aren't the exceptions!! They do have love in different ways ;D

Basically i just wanted to rant abt the sillies and their lives lawl :P

But MOVING ON!! Let's go to the next universe i wanna talk about: Langsdorffia

My newest story and honestly, one that i am quite excited about!! I love this two gals and i am expanding their lore every day because i can't get them out of my head💔💔 someone help💔💔💔

But as stated, while its new, sexuality is ALSO important to them as its whole premise its "toxic doomed yuri" lmfao, so let's dive into this

And a SECOND TRIGGER WARNING IN CASE ITS NEEDED: Langsdorffia includes bunch of uncomfortable topics that may trigger some viewers, i don't condone the actions perpetrated by this characters at all. I will be discussing sexual violence, violence in general, trauma, hypersexuality, comphet, toxic and abusive relationships, bullying, and disturbing/graphic descriptions. You have been warned, continue under your own discretion and take care of your mental health, thank you.)

As you can see, the dot is located near the violence side of the triangle unlike bsrt, and the reasoning behind that is because Langsdorffia explores the dark, toxic and abusive sides of relationships, where in Blue skies i focus more on the complexities of different kinds of relationships (wether it be platonic, romantic, familial, long etc)

The main focus of LD is surrounded w/ Jillian, the protagonist, and Vivica, the deuteragonist. They both are lesbians and are in aaaaa,,,, weird situationship. They are dating indoors, but outdoors its much complicated, not because they are both girls, but because they both are man eating monsters.

Vivica's plan is to seduce people so they can eat them, something Jillian dislikes but really doesn't have a word in her scheme, it works, but at what cost? Jillian's insecurities and jealousy. Let me break it down into their personal views to make it easier.

Jillian Dominguez (she/they/it): starting w the main character, Jilly has many many issues, ranging from the physical to the psychological. She barely remembers anything from her past, only the day they met Vivica, but few fragments or memories from back when she was a human still linger. She remembers that she didn't have the best time in school, sure, it wasn't horrible but it wasn't fun either, they remember lonely meals, one man group projects and staring blankly into nothing when it's mp3 ran out of battery. It also reminisces the internet, the only place where they felt seen. But perhaps this unrestricted access also affected her a way or another, and distorted her view on reality.

As you can expect, Jillian was the stereotypical fujo/himejoshi girl that has no idea how healthy relationships look like. Yes, she had her parents, but it wasn't the same... Since she wanted what they read. Toxicity surrounding yaoi and yuri manga affected her, and the scene/emo culture also had an impact of her young mind, doing certain things they will regret later as an adult. The things they were exposed to, that they saw, that they interacted with, consumed, looked for, and believed they enjoyed still haunt them sometimes, leading to sudden breakdowns or outbursts throughout the day; but they didn't know any better, they just wanted it's internet friends to like them.

It was at this time they realized they liked girls the way the mangas said, she wanted to be loved or hell, even mistreated by a girl! It didn't matter as long as it was like in the animanga! The character seems to enjoy it so she would too! She should! But it also was troublesome. I mean, growing in an era where lesbians and gay men were fetishized to a max, or in other hand, despised to the core? Complicated, so they always prayed and prayed that, just by miracle, they wake up next day as a boy. And as a closeted lesbian, they just thought they needed to find the right man that will treat her right, meeting guys on websites since they were too shy to ask anyone in class or the mall. But let's just say that her exes just,,,, weren't good.

Jillian, just like anyone, craves for a deep emotional connection, and would go onto extremely big lenghts just to please it's partner due to her experiences, even if it harms them... Or others. To Jill, all her past experiences were violent, and believes that's just what it is.

(Another clarification, i am not a survivor or have hypersexuality, so when i approached Jill as a possible survivor i want to portray it with all the respect it should. Langsdorffia is meant to be a dark story, and i want this dark topics to be touched carefully and with respect, and while i will also make jokes and dumb thingies in the future surrounding these gals, i wanted to clarify this part before i do any joke. Even if its just a "toxic doomed yuri", the violence in LD is very much real and many people suffer it, and i am in no way making fun of it. If you yourself relate to Jill and her story, I am so sorry you had to go through that, and if you are still in that relationship, you can get out of there as soon as you can, find a safe space to be in and you trust, don't stay with people that hurt you.)

Vivica Knapp (she/her): She is a whole enigma inside the story. Despite being the second most important character, we(since we follow Jill's pov inside LD) don't know anything about her. But if Jilly doesn't know anything about Vivica, why do they stay with her? The reasoning is simple: she is still lonely, and so is Vivi. Something clicked when they met, like if it was meant to be, Vivica was her destiny, and Jill was her's.

Indoors, she is mostly loving and sweet with Jillian, but outdoors its almost like if she didn't existed, or even mattered. Vivica with her alluring looks and the seductiveness of what's under the veil attracts her preys, because she doesn't see people as humans, just food for her and her gf.

But that means she cares about Jillian, right? Well yes, but not completely. She makes sure Jill eats, but doesn't consider their emotions when they attract people, instead she uses them, unleashing her jealousy and insecurity to turn it into violence against men, and when the job is done, she gives Jilly her reward in bed, as she knows how this hurts them, but it's for a greater good.

Vivica enjoys her times with Jill, as they play along with anything she asks for, and they seem to enjoy it also. She trusts in her partner more than anyone, that's why they don't NEED anyone else, just the two of them inside the manor. She doesn't seem to show importance about Jillian's memory loss, instead she believes into "creating new memories to replace the old ones" and that "if you forgot, then it's probably for a good reason"

Now when it comes to being intimate, Vivica is the one in control and Jillian gladly let's her take the lead. But it's also not,,, as loving as one expects. Im not gonna get into heavy details about how they have sex, but i will say this: Vivica's hunger is eternal, and many times it has taken by surprise her partner.

Blood unites the two of them in several ways, and their need for violence is gonna be their ruin, united in crimson bloodshed, guts spilled on the marbled floor, rage against humanity, and the smell of the corpses filling the rose-covered garden. Their love and inherently, their sex, is the most violent of all.

With that being said, i think i covered a good part of how this aspect affects them, perhaps not to a 100% but this post is already long enough. I have other stories besides these two, and this is without mentioning the aus or ships outside canon some of this ocs have, but that would make this even more confusing and extensive.

As a final note, i wanna say that i love to explore the complexities of relationships of all kinds, and my stories are not restricted to sex (while they may be important to some point, its not the most vital thing) so if this is the introduction to my ocs world then uhhh,,,, i am sorry for not making a proper introduction before throwing at you this +18 topic 😭😭😭 but with that being said, i must also clarify that none of this is written in stone, and stuff can change in the future as i am still developing these stories, so look forward to lore or drawings or even silly memes!!! If you reached this down to the post: thank you so much for reading my stupidly long rant :'D took me a whole day to write this and i am quite proud of it!!! So thank you so much for reading

See you on the next rant i make :D!!!!

[fivekrystalpetals]

I am almost at the end of the Head Hunter Arc and there are a hundred story threads all running parallel so I would def have to re-read once again to fit in the sequence of events. Anyway, I will make a longer post about all my thoughts later,, but now I really really wanna get this off my chest.

warning: rant underneath, please check the tags for the subject of rant, proceed with caution—don’t come @ me if this is your favorite character

Reim died—and I did not feel a single thing. In fact, I am more frustrated he died just like that than his oh-dear-poor-guy plight being shown to me. Am I supposed to feel sorry for him? I just can’t.

He is the worst kind of character—the ones who always want to maintain the status quo, the ones who think they can get away with anything because they are on the side of self-proclaimed ‘Good’, and whatever they do is ‘needed for the greater good’.

This guy single handedly, with one bullet, ruined whatever positive interactions might have occurred between the Baskervilles and the heroes (Break at least? Because Vincent, who is already working with the Baskervilles, is on... idk what side?)

I still maintain the Baskervilles were pulled into some major political conspiracy and they were forced to kill all those people in Sablier in order to ‘save’ them from getting turned into chains.

[The more the author shows me their flashbacks and how happy they were as a family—

look at them, they are the literal essence of found family ;-;—

shedding happy tears rn ;-; Fang, Doug and Lottie were best Dads/Big bro/Mom/Big Sis to Lily. 

—the more I feel like they were never sadistic cold-blooded mass murderers in the first place.]

See, Break and Lottie were making baby steps towards coming to work together for a common cause. On their next meeting, when Break put his sword to Lottie’s throat, she, whether fearing his power and deciding to buy time or what, did make an attempt to understand him rather than trying to jump in for a fight at once.

And then, when the ‘false’ Baskervilles came onto the scene, they were forced to make an unwilling alliance to defeat them albeit for a moment.

I had hoped—one more meeting and then maybe, hopefully, at least, these two would put aside their differences and misunderstandings and start working together to exchange information and unravel all the mystery of the Tragedy; in the process, the heroes start to slowly realize the true nature of the Baskervilles.

But no. Reim just had to ruin everything. He heard Lily’s story, came to the realization that Baskervilles weren’t monsters but ‘laughed just like us’, and decided... ok this child is innocent but she will definitely kill many more people in the future so let me shoot her right through her head now and finish her off.

I had been reading with a smile on my face because their interactions were so cute, the way she tried to console him and relate to him, the way she squealed on seeing the March Hare (March Hare really is cute btw)—and then, bam! I was more shocked when he ‘killed’ her than when Fang announced Reim was dead.

I can’t put this in a better way either so here we go—Reim is an idiot. 

Here is a child that spills out everything unprompted if you simply humor her for a bit. She is a literal goldmine of information about the elusive Baskervilles. All you have to do is pretend-play with her that you are her ‘friend’ and she will tell you all tidbits from her life. All ‘truths’ because she has no reason to lie to a friend. “Family is good of course, but friends are good too.” She trusts her family, she trusts her friends. 

Instead, what Reim does is go for the kill.

Without even understanding the basic nature of Baskervilles. 

He didn’t know or even bother to find out Baskervilles could heal before playing his trump card. 

Is he not Rufus Barma’s apprentice? Did he not learn a thing from the tenacious information broker, who deals with even life-and-death matters using information?

Has he never heard of the saying—half knowledge is a dangerous thing? Does he not know of buying time? Never heard of humoring someone? If she wants to see your chain, show her that, play with her till you manage to pass information to your friends and then when Break or someone strong enough to handle her hellhound arrives on scene, capture her alive, gdi! (I remember that scene from Dark Era when Dazai got frustrated that Akutagawa killed off half a dozen hopeful sources of information. Now, I understand his frustration.) 

In fact, he did not even wait to hear her full story, asked a question or two, came to the conclusion that they are gonna reenact the Tragedy of Sablier—(after listening to a gullible child, btw. She is ofc gonna listen to her elders. If they say yes, then yes; if they say no, then no. How in the world do you make such a major decision after listening to the words of a child? And once again, I am not so sure if the Baskervilles indeed enacted the First Tragedy of Sablier in the first place. He is jumping to conclusions there too.)

—and shoots her through her head. Whether she died or not doesn’t matter here. She survived because of her super healing power. What matters here is that yes, Reim did have full killing intention when he shot her. Had she been a normal human, she’d have died. It was her brains that he intended to blow out. No way she was gonna survive that if she were a human. 

He is the one that betrayed her budding trust. Sorry but I have no sympathy for him. If she used her chain to rip his throat, that’s on him. He shot the first bullet. Whatever she does afterwards counts as self-defense for me.

Well, here comes another idiot, Break, who doesn’t know any of this. Without even finding out what transpired there, he directly jumped in to fight against two self-healing Baskervilles all by himself, spitting blood, lost eyesight, can’t-last-too-long-in-a-battle and all as he is, in order to ‘avenge’ his friend.

Lottie, please come and talk all of this out—is what I wanted to say, because she seems the only one with brain cells among this bunch of idiots. 

see, I can even draw up the parallels between the Break-Lottie 'friendship' and Reim-Lily 'friendship'. 

When Break offered her to be his ‘friend’ (Break being a way more powerful opponent compared to Lottie, she was completely overpowered and at his mercy), she got through alright. Even on their second meeting when Break wanted to ‘shred her to pieces’ for killing Reim (which she probs has no idea of. It’s Lily who found him.), she managed to buy time if only with the appearance of the ‘fake’ Baskervilles and later escape.

Whereas when Lily, a child with a bit stronger chain than Reim’s (or so he says, for idk what his chain does) asked Reim to be her ‘friend’, he goes for the kill. oh no, poor guy doesn’t know how to buy time with a talkative, gullible child who has long given up on wanting to kill him and wanted to simply chat with him *sigh*

Same situation, different brains, different outcomes.

But because of that one stupid brain, all is gone to waste. No way an alliance between Break and the Baskervilles is gonna take place after this. I mean, I don't know if he meant it when he said this--

what are the many things he wanted to tell her please i wanna know i am dying for more interactions between them please

But it is too late now. It has turned into a kill-or-be-killed situation. 

As of the present, it is Break vs Fang and Lily; and istg if something happens to any one of them, I will personally kill Reim. all over, once again. painfully.

I love all the three and I can’t see even one of them die over an idiot who caused his own death because he is an idiot. 

[keons]

/

[sherlock-is-ace]

.

[icharchivist]

(c.w: mental health rant, mentions of a/nxiety, d/epression, s/uicidal thoughts mention (no big deal bit still proceed with caution))

Under cut, if on mobile pls blacklist “ichapersonal” so it doesn’t show, sorry it’s long

In theory i understand this whole “when you’re d/epressed try to regulate your sleeping patern and go to sleep and wake up early!!” and it’s a very nice sentiment but how the hell does it even work

everytime i go to sleep “early” (Between 10pm and 2am) I end up waking up a few hours later (3am to 5am depending when i went to sleep) and then I usually can’t sleep again afterward and get tons of intrusive thoughts that ends up making me unstable, cry, spiral down, feeling miserable and unable to fall back asleep bc those thoughts don’t let me calm down or focus on something else for a few hours, and I can only sleep again far later (again depending, I fall back asleep between 7am and 9am)  and then i’ll wake up between midday and 2pm.

In comparaison when I end up (generally accidentally i’m not planning that) going to sleep between 3am and 5am (hell once i even went to sleep at 6am) i wake up between midday and 3pm and well I don’t feel good, (i hadn’t felt good while waking up in a while lmao) but i at least manage to kick it out and it’s not as distressing as mid-night waking cycles.

and it’s starting to be more and more distressing. 

I went to sleep at 11pm tonight, woke up at 3am, and had been a major emotional mess for 4 hours now without managing to fall back asleep and hell, being scared of falling back asleep witht he thoughts that are running through my mind. (it’s 6:55am rn for perspective)

and it’s killing me bc this was part of what my medication was supposed to handle.

My medications are anti-a/nxiety pills that were prescripted to me bc i had trouble to fall asleep and always woke up in the middle of the night with a huge panic attack, and at least one to two panic attacks a day. 

The medication i take has mostly supressed the “panic” part, and it’s especially useful during the day bc i didn’t have anymore time with my a/nxiety taking over unless prompted by external elements. But ye since i’m on that medication I could actually sleep.

To the point also of having a hard time sleeping without those pills. 

But guh this is also facing the facts those pills were supposed to regulate a/nxiety and not the other dozens of problems. And I feel like all the violent emotional reactions lately comes from d/epression, it just somehow decided to be more fullblown and distressing than it used to be.

When my doctor prescripted the pills to me she did tell me that there was a risk that supressing the a/nxiety would enable some d/epression kicks that so far a/nxiety was keeping under controle (like s/uicidal thoughts, that a/nxiety was holding back the worst of it by freaking out at the mere thought of the process and what if, but with the a/nxiety limited the thoughts could become worse in worse to the point of seeming reasonable and I think that’s the stade i’m in right now and why latest “relapse” had been worse)

I suppose i should go see my doctor again and tell her that the pills are hardly effective anymore but *sighs* she already told me last time that the pills themselves won’t help without therapy and i have to keep my therapy on hold atm. (not to mention my therapist already tried to give me an alternative medication and long story short that perticular one was Hell On Earth so i’m kinda dreading having to try something else.)

it doesn’t help that I’m getting completely exhausted in the day and can find myself to want to fall asleep during the day. Hell once i fell asleep at 4am, woke up around 2pm, went back to sleep at 4pm and only woke up at 8pm again, and i was still exhausted enough to go back to sleep around 2:30am.

(it’s not even to mention i have really uncomfortable n/ightmares lately too. I don’’t remember them but i remember waking up feeling distressed and unwell, and when I remember them they are so terrible they kinda start to fade out but still live an even more horrifying aftertaste i hate this.)

I hate being awake. I don’t want to be awake. But I can’t even sleep correctly so what’s even the point.

sighs i’m so done.