#ramblings at 2 a.m. and such

[nico-di-genova]

To Be Known, To Be Loved

Summary: Alex is sick, Pato takes care of him. AKA: Palex sickfic

A/N: This originally started as a prompt fill, but then it went off the rails and became its own thing. So the prompt will get filled eventually, but now there is also this. The mortifying ordeal of having to be known to be loved. The horror of having to put your trust in someone in order to let yourself be cared for. Trigger Warning for Emetophobia!

There is vomit on Pato’s shoes, specks of it dotting the toe when he kicks them off at the doorway to his bus. They land on their side, next to Alex’s half-hazardly thrown pair, whose are vomit free because when he’d doubled over behind the truck, after their debrief, it had been Pato who was in the splash zone. He’d just barely managed to step back, and so most of the sick had ended up on the pavement, watery and thin, spreading in a puddle across the cracks in the surface where the weeds had managed to break through. A diet of liquids, that’s what Alex had been operating on apparently, all of it now emptied from his body and left soaking into the track that had delivered him another P4 finish.

How he’d managed to race at all was still beyond Pato. How his entire team had failed to notice the heat roiling off his body, and the glassy-eyed expression he’d worn during the entire debrief meeting was a bigger mystery. Pato had known from the moment he saw the sweat beading on Alex’s forehead, the wince when he tried to talk about the roll bar adjustments they’d made to the car, and his voice came out like it was scraping against rock, physically paining him to speak.

“I’m not sick,” he’d grumbled in annoyance when Pato pressed a hand to his forehead and was met with furnace levels of heat, and then he’d barely made it two steps away from the truck before he lost the little bit of water he’d managed to sip down during the debrief.

Pato had kept a hand on the small of his back, rubbing soothing circles as Alex retched, feeling his body tremble and shake. Thankfully they’d waited inside the truck long enough, Alex insisting he felt fine even though he hadn’t had the energy to pull himself out of where he’d slumped in his chair. There was no one to see him lose the battle with his upset stomach. Pato is sure Alex would have been ten times more mortified if there was anyone else there, he already can’t look at Pato now.

“I’m sorry,” he says, swaying on his feet and leaning against the dining table behind him for support, instead of Pato’s outstretched hand. “About your shoes.”

Pato waves dismissively at the footwear, “Eh, whatever. They weren’t my favorite pair.”

They were, but the vomit can be wiped away, and he doesn’t really care about the cost to replace them if it doesn’t right now. He’s more focused on how Alex is shaking again, all of his energy focused on keeping himself upright, despite the fact that he’s leaning heavily on the table. His skin is pale, other than the red flush on his cheeks, the same flush that had indicated to Pato there was a problem when he first sat down for their meeting. It could have been blamed on the race, the heat of the car, but even as they sat in the airconditioned truck it hadn’t faded. Now it’s impossible to miss.

“Alex-“ he tries, starts to reach out.

“I just- I just need sleep,” Alex waves him off, “’m tired.”

He takes one step away from the table, starting for the bedroom at the back of the bus, before his knees give out. Pato is anticipating it, the way he tips and loses his balance, and so he manages to dart forward quickly enough and steady Alex with one hand on his chest, the other on his hip. He stumbles under Alex’s weight, bangs into the kitchen counter hard enough that he’s sure he’ll be sporting a bruise along his side – he and Alex matching, since Alex took a hit from Ferrucci in turn 3 earlier and has his own budding collection of darkening skin to show for it.

“I got you,” he promises when Alex tries to take another step, finds his knees too weak to do so.

“Fuck.” Alex states in response.

It’s a process to get him stripped out of his clothes and to ease him into bed. Alex on a good day is unwilling to accept help, self-reliant to a fault, but a sick Rossi is a whole other beast. Pato thought the time he’d had to nurse a hungover Alex back to health was bad, when he was hiding under the covers in their hotel room in Mexico because the light hurt his eyes. He rethinks that now. At least then they’d had the crashing waves on the beach and room service to provide some modicum of comfort. And when Pato had traced the bare skin of Alex’s shoulder with his finger, kissing at the back of his sun warmed neck, Alex hadn’t minded the touch – had leaned into it even, because it was a welcome distraction from the pounding of his head.

Now, it’s dark and it’s cold because Alex keeps the bus at an inhuman temperature. When Pato tries to ease Alex out of his hoodie that’s got vomit crusted on the sleeve from where he’d wiped at his mouth, Alex whines and pulls away like the touch hurts him.    

“We have to cool you down, babe,” Pato tries, “you’re really warm.”

An understatement, the heat roiling off his skin may as well be visible, coming off of him in waves.

“I’m already cold,” Alex argues, which is another sign everything is wrong. Alex has highjacked Pato’s thermostat, hacked it, so that it can be set to ungodly levels of cold, because he doesn’t like to be warm. He doesn’t like to feel his clothes stick to him with sweat, as the hoodie is so clearly doing, soaked through under the arms and on the back when Alex curls over where he’s sitting on the bed to put his head between his knees and Pato can see the darkened fabric.

Pato reaches for the hem of the hoodie at the small of his back, peels it upward so it’s pooled around his neck. Alex whines again as the cool air hits his skin, but doesn’t pull away, maybe because he’s lost the strength.

“Come on, Alex, work with me here,” Pato pleads.

He manages to work the hoodie over Alex’s head, and then down his arms. It ends up on a puddle at the foot of the bed, along with Alex’s socks and then his race suit. A normal Alex would be peeved by this, make an offhand comment about the laundry basket two feet away from them, nestled beneath the clothes hanging in the closet. A sick Alex doesn’t even seem to notice, just shivers when he’s stripped down to his underwear.

In the lamplight coming from the built-ins along the wall, Pato can see the bruising already forming along Alex’s left side. Splotches of purple along his ribs and down to his thigh. It’s not the worst Pato’s seen on him, minimal and not nearly as dark as it seems in the dim lighting, but it isn’t fun to look at. Not when Alex is breathing so heavily his chest expands with the effort, his ribs visible beneath the bruising.

“You’re going to make yourself dizzy like that,” Pato says, eases him up with a gentle hand on his shoulder so his head isn’t between his knees anymore. Alex goes, lets himself be lifted and then eased back on the bed.

Before leaving this morning, Alex had insisted on making it. Pato, one shoe half-on, already preparing to dart out to the track, had been ready to leave it as it was. Pillows askew, sheets rumpled, and half balled up at the end of the bed. He wasn’t the sort to wake up in the morning and immediately begin to assemble his life, not before he’d gone for a run or had breakfast. Alex, he has learned in the short six month span of their relationship, is the opposite. He wakes up and gathers himself slowly, makes the bed because he hates coming home to an unmade one. If he’d moved slower that morning, tucking the duvet in between the mattress and the box spring with careful movements because his body was beginning to ache with the sickness that had now set in, he was better at hiding it then.

He gets a better look at the bruises once Alex is laying on his back. They’re really not bad, but he can’t help but wonder if Alex had felt like this when he was driving. Eyes watery and body shuddering, hands trembling when he pulls at the duvet he’s tucked in too tightly. He wonders if he’d been alert he maybe might have been able to avoided the contact altogether.

“Here,” he says instead of continuing to think about Alex sick and borderline delirious in his car going 200+ mph, “Let me do it.”

“I’m not useless,” Alex grumbles.

He stalls the man’s fruitless pulling of the duvet with a hand over his. “No. But you’re sick, so let me take care of you. Okay?”

It may be that Alex is foreign with the concept, because he continues to try to pull the blanket free so he can tuck himself under it. Or it may be that the fever has him acting with single minded purpose.

“Rossi.”

“What?”

“Stop.”

Alex stops. He pulls his hand back so Pato can take over, and shivers on the bed until Pato gets him under the blankets. Then he curls onto his side and shakes until Pato crawls under the covers beside him.

“Gonna get you sick,” he mumbles.  

Pato shrugs, presses himself along Alex’s back and pulls the man closer to him, letting Alex leech away some of his warmth to maybe help with the chills. He’ll get another blanket for him later, press a cool towel to his forehead and hope it breaks the fever. Right now though he just wants to hold him. He wants to feel the way Alex grabs at his arm when he wraps his arm around him. His hand gripping at Pato’s wrist with a desperate need, like if Pato holds him close enough it will maybe help him feel better.

This morning the roles had been reversed, Pato tucked into Alex’s arms and waking up to find he wished he could stay there. It wasn’t the first time he’d yearned for a place to stay. There was Punta Mita, with the Airbnb he was fond of booking. Texas, where everything was familiar. Indiana even, in the small bits of time he and Alex got to spend there, appreciating the sprawling space of Alex’s house before they had to pack their lives back up into suitcases again. He wonders if maybe this is the travel catching up, the late nights and stress of the championship, all of it building on Alex and taking its toll physically. Or maybe it’s just that he’s caught whatever bug has been floating around the bus lot.

Whatever it is, Pato takes the gamble of catching it. He holds Alex tighter and kisses at the nape of his neck and thinks of Mexico. Sunkissed skin that smelled faintly of aloe-vera and waves crashing on the shore, how Alex had laughed when he was drunk. How his cheeks had flushed pink, not from fever, but from the alcohol. How they’d chased each other along the shoreline, knowing that when they did eventually collide they’d both end up toppling into the water.

How Alex had looked in the moonlight, eyes glinting, shirt soaked through by the waves he’d ended up in first.  

“Oh, you’re gonna pay,” he’d warned, seconds before lurching forward and grabbing Pato to pull him into the ocean beside him.

When they’d kissed it had tasted like salt and the Coors Alex had imbibed in heavily at the bar. Pato chased the taste of it, tried to commit it to memory, alongside the feel of Alex’s hand in his hair when he pulled it to tip his head slightly. Their first kiss, messy and uncoordinated and then broken by the waves that crashed against them.

When morning had come Pato had woken to Alex in his arms and sunlight piercing at the headache he was nursing. Alex, who had drank more, had buried his head into the blankets with a groan. The same way he did now. Except now Pato knows the feeling of kissing him sober, knows the feel of Alex’s hand in his hair when he’s not pulling it. He knows Alex likes to make the bed in the morning and will do so even if he’s fighting his own body. Knows he would drive a car in oppressive heat, despite the fever spiking his own temperature.

He knows Alex doesn’t like to be taken care of, but that he’s letting Pato take care of him anyway.

Alex shudders in his arms, and Pato holds him, kisses the nape of his neck and tells him, “I’ve got you.” He finds he means it, fully, finds he can think of home now and it comes in the shape of Alex - familiar, safe, shaking in his arms with a fever he is trying to beat.

“I got you,” he repeats, as Alex presses closer - as he does not pull away.

[qsmpbutwithsignlanguage]

QSMP Members wandered into Purgatory 2 fearing BadBoyHalo, knowing of his ruthlessness and pure undeniable skill from the first Purgatory. Warnings were exchanged through whispers and soft-spoken words of caution. They stumbled out with chainsaws whirring behind their eyes, a boy dubbed Coach pulling gambit after gambit, eeking out a win by mere decimals of a percentage point, finding a pixel-perfect map location, and massacring an entire group before continuing on the hunt for more. A different name settled on their tongues-it was idiotic, really, to have assumed the one issuing the warning was harmless. You never want to ask a survivor what they did to survive (and if the leader of Team Goose had led BadBoyHalo into battle and fought against Philza Minecraft himself, then really, shouldn't they have realized to fear him?)

[taruruchi]

Pasilyo (Taruchi's Version)!!!! (Only 1 pre-chorus and chorus + no backing audio 😔 + my voice is soft bc it was done at 1 am so. obviously I gotta be soft nskdkf)

Everyone thank tumblr user h0neybane for making me this insane

Edit: Just realized that the lyrics I'm singing are literally part of my blog desc and pinned post. Amazing

[lunchtimebedamned1997]

Hazbin S2 thoughts?

Okay, hear me out:

I love Poly!Vees, but if it ends up being just Vox/Val being fuckbuddies with Vel not in the romantic or sexual mix - particularly if Velvette is more of a daughter to Vox and Val... then that could set up a super interesting dynamic in S2 with the other half of the cast???

So in 1x05 we get Al (presumably just postulating) about how he sees Charlie like a daughter (heh, yeah right. Al? After like, four or five months? No way. With Nifty? Sure, I can almost buy it. Charlie? No.)

So, like, imagine this:

Charlie steps between the two overlords, hair mussed from the warring static, scleras dipping red as they fix on Vox.

"Stop." Her arms are out, Vox almost laughs when he realizes she's shielding Alastor. "I won't let you hurt him."

Alastor's expression is somewhere between smug and affronted. Vox can understand, having someone as powerful as the princess devoted to your safety is quite the bragging point, but to have anyone think that Alastor would need help, against him, no less. No, no. That stroked Vox's ego. He did laugh now.

"Alright, princess, I'll bite. How'd he win you over?"

"What?"

"Alastor. How'd he convince you, you matter to him? I can tell you how he convinced me, if you'd like."

"Charlie - I would strongly advise not engaging with this one. Once you get him started, its quite hard to shut him up again. Not to mention, most of what comes out of his speakers is meaningless drivel."

Vox scoffed.

"What are you, her fucking dad?" He watches the princess puff up her chest, eyes sparking with something that could really only be noted as passion.

"Yes." She looked back over her shoulder at Al, and Vox caught the softness in her growing smile as her head turned away from him. "He's as good as." When Vox processed the genuine tone in her voice, he started uproariously, uncontrollably laughing, she returned her gaze sharply to him. "You don't know him like I do. Like we all do! He's helped us, maybe not out of the goodness of his heart at first, but time means something, and we've built a bond! He's shown up for me in ways people who should have, haven't."

"Oh my god you're serious!" A few more laughs escaped him before the righteousness and earnestness of her expression processed in his system. Oh my god. She's serious. He felt his expression sober, and he dropped his aggressive stance, keeping a few of the cameras trained on Alastor so he could keep his screen directed at the girl, and he watched her tense at the serious drop to his expression. "Look, I don't know what you think he's done for you, but I learned the hard way how little he cares. I'll admit, your little theory has more of a shot than the things I used to think were between us, but I wouldn't count your chickens, Charlie." Her mouth pulled into a flatter line as her name left his speakers. "I know what it means to care for someone like a daughter. And I don't think he has that in him."

"You -" When Charlie's words faultered, Vox cut in.

"Alastor can manage - what did you call it Al?" He spared a glance over Charlie's shoulder. "'Passing affections?'" He choked down the sneer he wanted to give Alastor and returned his gaze to Charlie. "I think he's too selfish to love anything but himself. I think he can enjoy people for what they give him, but don't be sweet-talked into thinking he has enough room in his heart to be anything like a fath-" A black tentacle shot up from the pavement, hitting the base of Vox's screen and throwing him up into the air and back a few feet before he crashed back down onto the ground.

Alastor stepped up beside the princess, putting a hand on her shoulder and bending down slightly, his tone light, like he was sharing a bit of innocent gossip.

"What did I tell you, my dear? This one doesn't quite know how to summarize a thought." He looked over a Vox, who was pulling himself back up into a standing position, his screen still glitching mildly from the force of the impact, he could feel wetness dripping down from the corner of his mouth. "Shall I summarize for you then, old friend?" He moved out and around Charlie, removing some of the newfound space between himself and Vox. "Something, something, I'm a terrible monster who cannot be trusted, i hurt your feelings, nobody should risk being near me, and you... 'hate' me?" He leaned forward slightly, smiling as he tilted his head to the side - that stupid fucking smile widening even further as he send another tentacle barreling into Vox's stomach like a punch, Charlie squeaked somewhere in the background like she wasn't expecting them to come to blows again already. Vox was just pleased he was only winded rather than thrown this time though. "Did I about cover it?"

Vox breathed raggedly, trying to get his lungs to work right. "You're a fucking prick."

"Poetry!"

"Get a new fucking line."

Alastor narrowed his eyes slightly. "I am curious about this 'daughter figure' of yours? That spunky little overlord nobody worth their salt can stand? The one with the fabric name? Velvette, was it?"

Sparks flicked from Vox's claws. "Don't."

"You expose a weakness and expect me not to strike? And here you are trying to convince Charlie how well you know me!"

"Velvette can handle herself."

"Against me? I hardly think so. So few can."

"Adam did alright." Vox watched the small twitch of displeasure Alastor gave at the bruise to his ego with a little bit of pleasure.

"You can't seriously think their levels are comparable. What exactly might she do? Wrap me in silks? Oh the horror. I have felled overlords so old only Zestial rivals them. And her? Has she even reached fourty? Thirty?" Alastor shook his head disappointedly. "No, I'm sure she'd be quite the waste of energy. Then again, I do so love to see you suffer."

Vox surged forward and blasted enough volts to level a city block straight into Alastor's neck, watching him fly back to land behind the Princess' startled form.

"That, is mutual." Vox rolled his shoulders, getting ready for more... for maybe dying. You always had to be with Alastor. Part of him didn't want to believe they'd ever devolve quite that far, but the part of him that scrabbled around in his self preservation like a panicked animal had to face that eventually one of them was going to...

It was statistics, honestly. Even in eternity, nobody seemed to last forever.

...

Like???? Come ON. That doesn't even touch the Valentino side of things. Make the terrible people complicated! Give them weaknesses and things to like about them that makes hating them feel worse for us!

Idk something about the idea of Vox, the fucked up guy from the age of the 'nuclear' family having the most warped but genuine dynamic with Velvette and Val? It tickles me!

Like I can see Charlie trying to convince Al there's something worth redeeming in Vox if she actually stumbles across seeing him being a doting father to Vel, especially if it was before any interactions like the little senario I wrote above. You just know our little baby bleeding-heart with her big doe eyes and daddy issues would just feel for him. Wouldn't want him to lose even though she wants her side to win.

'how can i destroy what might be the only good family relationship I've seen in almost 200 years. If someone took that away from me -'

You just know that Vox would be the most indulgent little guy ever when he loves someone.

Now, do I think Charlie actually bought Al saying all those things to her in 1x05? Not entirely. Not given how she spoke to him in 1x07 before they made their deal. I think Charlie is a lot less naive then people assume her to be, but I also think she'd want to believe it. Maybe with a bit less desperation then before she made up with Luci somewhat. Regardless, it's clear she has a big soft spot for Al, and considers him to be like family much the same as the others from the S1 hotel crew.

Idk, I just think there's a lot of potential there! Do I think it will go that route? Heh - no. Probably not. But It's fun to think about :3

[thormanick]

Just now realized that the first meeting of Kaveh and Alhaitham is mirrored by their tavern conversation, I. Am Not. Okay-

[trashlie]

ILY FP 219 (or, The One That Went to the Top of My Favorites List)

Hehehe is that an enticing enough, non-spoiler preview for you? lol I want so badly to tell everyone WHY they should be sure to FP this episode, but I don’t want to ruin it for anyone. Not that I think knowing what’s in there will ruin it, but I think the impact of going into it without knowing is just SO MUCH MORE POWERFUL. It’s BEAUTIFUL okay? That’s why you should read it - it’s beautiful! 

Idk where to begin with this one!!!! Over 24 hours later, sorting out my emotions is still difficult because I just keep wanting to climb the walls and start shrieking lmao AAAAHHHHHHHH! 

Those of us who are patrons of quimchee’s got a little teaser for this episode - the first part was SUPPOSED to post with 218, and quimchee said that 213-219 are all supposed to be parts of one much, MUCH bigger episode, so you know, if you want to read them all together, there you go! But anyway, even getting a little teaser of it last week, this episode was still full of so much new, and even what we got to see still hit just as strong. UGH. LISTEN. 

When the music hit me and I realized what it was? As we kept scrolling and Shinae furtively snuck back in? I CRIED okay lmao I CRIED. How long has it been since Nol last celebrated his birthday? When was the last time someone made him feel special on this day? Because he sure hasn’t allowed himself to. He hasn’t spent a birthday with friends - I mean, hell, this is the first time he’s even HAD friends who mean anything - and after everything they’ve gone through, everything he put them through, to see them show up just meant SO MUCH to me. I had no doubts that Dieter and Soushi would come through for Nol, but I didn’t think we’d get to see it so soon, either. I was so concerned that there’d been no time for them to talk at the party, that Soushi’s first indication that Nol was even there at all was seeing him fall into a glass table! Finding him bleeding out in the snow. 

How harrowing it must have been for them - at least Shinae has gotten to talk to him a little, has a little more insight into who he is, why he did what he did. I’m sure, in time, Dieter and Soushi will come up to speed, whether through Shinae or Nol himself, but even now, even with them NOT knowing or understanding, I think it makes it even more special that they showed up. Nol has been there when they needed him, whether they wanted it or not. He always had their backs, had a way of making them feel like they were special, like they matter. And now they all got to do the same for him, to return that favor. As readers, we know that Nol began those relationships with no real intentions, never intending those friendships to become real, but they did, both ways. There was something about Soushi’s commentary that really did me in - about how he doesn’t have bullies coming around anymore and even if he did, he’s got a buddy whose got his back ;~; How he went from wanting to take help from no one to coming around to the weirdly insistent boy. 

I love, LOVE, LOVE how all of their gifts related to the beginnings of their relationships. Again, it’s something about how it began on false pretenses, but how it became real and came to mean something to all of them that just really gets to me! I don’t know how to articulate it, the feeling of these people who desperately needed someone, being able to be that to Nol, that even though he’s tried to push them away, to run away, even though they have no explanation for his behavior, they still are there for him when he desperately needs it. I kept waffling for a long time on whether I thought Nol was intending to ghost everyone after prison, going back and forth even as he and Shinae talked in Minhyuk’s room. “Is he telling her this because he doesn’t plan to stick around?” But especially after all of these hospital scenes, I feel pretty confident that’s not his plan. Just like Soushi and Shinae never really intended to accept Nol’s friendship and thought they were fine on their own, I think Nol may be having that moment for himself.

Or, rather, I think he’s at a crossroads and is at war with himself. On the one hand, he doesn’t believe he deserves any of this. The way he talks about his birthday is so SAD; Shinae is right, people don’t talk like that! Was it a difficult pregnancy that Nessa had with Nol? Did his birth cause her harm? Is it just the circumstances he feels guilty for? Maybe he believes she’d be okay if she’d never conceived him? Maybe it’s because of his relation to the Hiraharas? He talks about people stepping on the burger - that definitely feels like it’s about the Hirahraras, taking his existence and making him feel insignificant and wrong, like he shouldn’t exist. But it’s the way he talks about the mistreatment of the cow sent to the slaughterhouse. It sounds like that’s about his mom - which could be the most he’s ever said about her. If his birthday is the burger, then the cow that became the burger would be her, right? I still have so many questions, ngl. Nol clearly has a complicated relationship with the memory of his mother - we know his childhood, before they left home, were his happiest memories, but at the same time, he can’t speak of the happy memories, or really, her at all. I don’t think the guilt is simply that he exists, and there’s more to it, whether it’s misconstrued on his behalf or just more puzzle pieces we’re missing. 

At any rate, Nol carries a heavy weight of guilt and has denied himself any joy or happiness, has never allowed himself to ENJOY things, lest they go awry. Probably like with his mom, and like with Shinae, a connection with him seems to end in danger. Of course, that’s not true - people end up in danger because of their own choices, and the choices of those around them - but again, we are talking about the way Nol views himself and the world. I think this is a big thing, too, because I’ve been thinking a lot about identity and perception lately, but I’ll try to get to that in a moment. 

For so long, Nol has been content with his self-inflicted punishment, but then he accidentally made real friends along the way. His quest to help people went off track. And for a while, he tried to fix that. He pulled away, he stopped responding, he tried to completely and cleanly cut them off, he drew the line and let them know. But here they still stand after it all, and he can’t help but appreciate that. The way my stupid heart flipped when he hugged Dieter and Soushi and told him he loved him. That feels like the most genuine expression we’ve seen on him in a long time - and for him to be so forthright with them, to even use that word at all! This is what makes me feel certain he doesn’t intend to ghost them. Why would he tell them that if he planned to leave? Why would he accept and embrace their friendship if he didn’t want it? And that’s the thing, isn’t it? His internal war is his wants vs what he thinks he deserves. It’s the fear that he brings harm to people, but that DESPERATE LONGING for that closeness. 

Throughout ILY we’ve seen so many times Nol wanted to reach out and denied himself the opportunity, for whatever reason. Countless times he’s reached out to Shinae only to close his hand into a fist and restrain himself. All that loneliness is haunting. I think it’s around the time they went to the arcade that Nol knew these relationships were real, and it was the arrival of Yui that reminded him he can’t do this, he can’t let his guard down, he can’t indulge his desires like this. To have that taste for friendship, for what it feels like to just let go, to be around people who don’t spend all their time trying to tear you apart, to be around people who CHOOSE your company, who CHOOSE to be with you? And then to retreat? He tasted something so sweet but had to give it up.

And now, after everything he’s done, they still show up for him, they still sat by and watched over him, they still came to CELEBRATE him? How can he continue to deny himself this? How can he close his fist and walk away from it? 

But, and my god I realize this is a very verbose point lmao, the point I’m getting at is, in the same way that Soushi and Shinae refused his friendship, in the same way that they thought they were better off on their own, I think Nol is at that same crossroad - is he better off alone? How bad is it, if he indulges just a little? 

I hope he thinks long and hard about what Shinae said very early in the evening, too. Whether or not he believes he puts people in danger, it’s not his call to make. Friendship is a two-way road and they, also, deserve to make their choice, to choose him despite the danger. It wasn’t Nol that put Shinae in danger. Maybe in a convoluted way you could say so - she’d never have called on Kousuke for that favor he owed her for getting Nol to the hospital the night of the masquerade - but regardless, Yui acts on her own. I realize this is not easy for Nol to see, because of what a deep-seated belief this is, but I hope it’s something he’ll consider more and more. 

There’s so much I could write about the birthday party ALONE. How wonderful it was to see them all together again after all this time, the sweet callbacks to their beginnings demonstrating how far they’ve come, how much they mean to each other. Nol is SO loved, and I hope he learns to wear that love as a much needed suit of armor. What does it matter that his family is trash, when this, his found family, makes up for it in so many ways? What does it matter that some people chose to make him feel insignificant, when he has people who choose to celebrate him, and the fact that he’s in their lives? ;~; That little happy smile and blush he wears when Shinae pointedly tells him they want to spend this night making him feel special ;~; It fucks me up lmao like lakjfkjafkjaf I’M GETTING WEEPY WRITING THIS ALL OVER AGAIN LMAO 

NOL DESERVES TO BE CELEBRATED. HE DESERVES TO FEEL SPECIAL. He came into their lives and individually made them all better. There’s an argument to be made that it was Kousuke’s financing that made Soushi’s life better, but we know that HE chooses Nol. That his companionship with Nol makes his life better. If not for Nol, where would they even be? He deserves to be celebrated because he’s brought so much good into other lives! And he deserves a return of that, too. All the good he tried to put into the world to counter the guilt he wears, all the good he denied himself and thus brought to others. GOD. I HAVE SO MANY FEELINGS ;~; I LOVE THEM, I LOVE THIS GANG I hope in the future we get to see more of them, now that we know how close their bond is, how much they mean to each other ;~; 

DIETER’S ORIGAMI DUCKIES AND THE LITTLE BIRTHDAY MESSAGES! THE CALLBACK TO NOL AND THEIR MORNING RUNS AND THE STILLNESS OF THE WATER AND THE DUCKIES ;~; Apologizing that these aren’t the best presents, that there’s no cake, but aren’t they? Isn’t this the best? There’s something about people spending their time and energy to create something for you that REALLY gets to me. Every time a friend hand-makes something for me, I just cry and cry lmao. Maybe origami duckies and happy birtday on a cake isn’t a lot of effort - but the point is that they TRIED. That at the last minute, they came up with something to try to return the kind of friend he’s been to them. They ARE the perfect gifts. What else could he possibly need more than to know that he is important to them and means so much? 

AND THAT WAY HE LOOKS OVER AT SHINAE, THE WAY SHE QUICKLY LOOKS AWAY, THE FLUSTERING, THE LITTLE BUTTERFLIES WE FEEL ON HER BEHALF!!!!! AUGH. 

I find it so cute and funny that Shinae was too shy to give Nol her gift at the same time, feeling that it paled in comparison to Dieter’s duckies, but personally, I think it’s right on par. Just like their messages, Shinae’s gift harkens back to the earliest days of her friendship with Nol, the orange soda she spilled on him, the fear he’s allergic to oranges lol, what she drew on his face the day following at that deli lol “You don’t suck that much” All the way back in episode 4, she told him “You’re a human first. And humans suck.” WHAT A CALLBACK!!!!!!!! Idk like, to me here gift was so on par, but also, it’s something that conveys a sense of feelings and being who she is, I don’t blame her for feeling a little shy about it.

ESPECIALLY COS MY GOD THERE’S SO MUCH SHYNESS IN THIS EPISODE MY GOD!!!!!!!! 

It’s been long established that I am here for the soft shit, the tender shit, for little stolen moments laced with intimacy, stolen little moments of calm in an otherwise turbulent storm. IT’S MY EVERYTHING!!!!!!!!! Dieter and Soushi on the spare bed in the room, while Shinae lays her head again on Nol’s bed, the both of them refusing to sleep. Shinae probably fears that he’ll disappear if she sleeps, that he’ll slip through her fingers; Nol probably worries that when he wakes this will be over, the calm, the good feelings. There’s something so TENDER about them trying to delay the inevitable, to stretch the last remining time. And, again, with Dieter and Soushi sleeping (god I hope Dieter is sleeping), everything that follows just feels again like a little stolen moment, just like every other moment they share together. 

The shift in Nol and Shinae’s relationship dynamic is practically palpable. How many times has she gotten flustered over his gaze this night? How many times has she been unable to hold that gaze?! I’m a sucker for this! There’s likely a number of reasons that have brought this reaction out of it. It reminds me a lot of episodes 117 and 118 with the nugget crushing hand holding and the shared music moment - how Shinae marveled over her hands afterward, how she had to go lmao hold Minhyuk’s hand to feel it out. That, and the little flashback snippet of Nol doing her make up at the formal seem to be the times that Shinae has been most affected by Nol, and I think in a lot of ways they resonate with the version of him she knows now. But that’s the other thing. She knows more than Dieter and Soushi do and through that, she’s aware of that significance and I think it’s absolutely affected her. They’ve been so incredibly vulnerable with each other all evening - Shinae being so uncharacteristic and saying so many heartfelt, sentimental things in effort to reach Nol, sharing her story about middle school, the reveal about Alyssa, the little things he’s let slip about his family dynamic. Shinae is already seeing him in a new light, and so much of it is just raw and she’s yet to have a moment to really sit down and take in everything. But also, the GLANCES, his INTENSE expressions. 

I was talking to someone on reddit about this but the thing is - this isn’t Shinae’s first meeting with Nol like this. In so many of their shared moments, this is the person he’s been, letting down his goofy mask, talking seriously with her. The break in at her apartment, the phone call after his family dinner, the scene at the wac, the breakdown on the hospital terrace, the time he gave her his extra taco. Though not as raw as this Nol, the edges softened and blurred more than he is now, she’s come face to face with this iteration of him. It’s the intensity that is so new. And lmao that intensity is what makes him so alike Rand, who made Shinae quiver LMAOOOOOO it’s so funny that this is finally catching up to her, that their appearance is finally frazzling her. But I think it’s a culmination of all of this. There’s an awareness at the tip of her tongue that she’s yet to voice, yet to confront, but she’s certainly acting on it. The stolen glances, the flustered glances away, the way she is so WHOLLY affected. 

It’s only just earlier this week, as far as the timeline goes, that Shiane realized HOW important Nol is to her, HOW scared she is of losing him, how much he means to her. Dieter used the l-word! It’s not a casual friendship. And his significance to her seems to dance along the border between platonic and romance - you can be significant to someone without it being romantic, you can be a person someone doesn’t want to lose without it being romantic. But SHE has to find that significance, she has to figure that out. All this shyness and flustering - is it the newness of this side of Nol, of all this vulnerability shared between them, or is it something more in the ways they bring comfort to each other, the ways they seem to stabilize each others’ world. I don’t think we’ve seen it demonstrated as strongly as we have with Nol, how Shinae’s presence and can center Nol and root him in the present, but I think we’ve seen a few instances of Nol being the same for her. 

This is one of those things about love and romance and friendship that fascinates me. At what point IS it romance? At what point does that friendship turn into “I want more of this I need more of this”? You can receive comfort from so many people, so at what point does it become something romantic?

And I think that’s what Shinae and Nol are toeing. Nol, certainly, is becoming more aware of that affect she has on him, the way she roots him to the present, the way she brings him much needed peace. Does Shinae realize yet the way she seeks him out? Does she realize how much peace she’s also gotten from him? 

And it seems so mutual, the way Nol gives in and indulges in the peace, the way he initiates these little moments of physicality. And it could absolutely be nothing, it could absolutely be just a casual touch amongst friends, except it’s them, and she’s flustered and looking away, and the butterflies seem to dance off the page. It’s the way he looks from her gift, loaded with what began their friendship what brought them into each other’s lives, and looks over at her trying to drown out his reaction, too embarrassed (TOO SHY!!!!!!) to see, that eyeless frame (QUIMCHEE DOES THIS SO MUCH! SO OFTEN! WHEN SHIELDING NOL’S FEELINGS!!!!!!) when he reaches over with his fingers in her hair.

HE DIDN’T HAVE TO DO THAT. HE COULD JUST TAP HER SHOULDER. HE COULD JUST SCOOT NEARER. BUT HE DOESN’T. IT’S HIS FINGERS IN HER HAIR, NEAR THE SCAR THAT PUT HER INTO DEFENSE MODE except she’s not, and he’s there, and she can’t look directly at him and he moves in close and it’s so INTIMATE it’s so TENDER it’s like the earbuds sharing moment except somehow even MORE because now she’s aware, NOW the fluttering is there, the stolen glances, the close proximity, the way he relaxes when he’s close to her, the way he is being so much MORE than he’s been before. 

His tapping finger and that coy, flirty, finger dancing?! The way she glances away as her finger dances towards him, on some level aware of what it means what it is a little too shy too coy, he way he hesitantly joins in and it’s something so SILLY so GOOFY such a light, light moment and GOD it’s beautifully done? You can FEEL the flirtiness of it, you can FEEL the little butterflies, the shyness and hesitation. The way Nol’s smile fades and he becomes serious before his finger hooks around hers, the way she thinks he’s playing until she, too, realizes, he’s not UGH. /UGH/ I SCREAM!!!!!!! How is it that a single finger hooked around another makes me scale the walls like this?! It’s such a small thing, but it’s so BOLD, initiating a dance even though he must be in pain! His back?! His body?! He’s not even on morphine ;~; He’s just. ENDURING IT. 

And idk, I never know what’s going through his mind. The dance she offered him that they never got to share. Something more significant than fingers dancing, something that means MORE. 

And again, that’s the thing. I think he’s so at war with himself. He’s still calling her Yoo, but he’s touching and so close and initiating that dance and he can tell himself it doesn’t mean anything, but he already knows. He already figured that out last episode. Soon he’ll be gone and he’ll be away from the people he loves, all alone again, and he’s scared to go. He still can’t bring himself to use her name, he can’t be so familiar with her - and yet is this not a more familiar way of being? I feel like part of is is that feeling of how fleeting this moment is, wanting to capture as much of it as possible, finally acting on what he wants. All those times he’s reached out only to close his fist, and this time he isn’t hesitating, this time he isn’t denying himself. This is what he wants, so he goes for it. 

Will he regret it? I hope he’s far enough beyond his point of no return that he can’t. I hope he’s acting out of clarity that if this is the case, if this is how he feels, then why shouldn’t he allow himself this. Perhaps there’s fear that when he comes back it will all be different, that this will be a fleeting dream and everyone will move on without him. It feels like the cusp of a dream and reality, where you allow yourself to indulge because soon you return to the real world, to the waking nightmare of reality and this will be all you have left to carry with you. 

It feels even more likely when he crumbles when she mentions when he returns. Perhaps it could be that he DOES intend to never come back after he releases, but idk, I guess I’m just so hopeful that’s not the case? It could be a parallel to the hug in the rain, when she asked if any of it was real and he hugged her because it wasn’t until it was and he couldn’t bear to say so. But it also feels so much like he’s afraid. The way he buries his head in her shoulder, his face hidden so she can’t see his emotions, their hands still held at their side feels so much like he’s afraid and doesn’t want to say so, wants to put on a brave face but he can’t. “When he returns” because for a time he will be away and he just had the sweetest taste of calm and when he wakes up from this dream the waking nightmare resumes, he’ll again be all alone and it’s so much harder to go back to alone when you’ve had a taste for this, when you’ve indulged. How can he go back to before, how can he face this new stage alone? 

It’s such a sad little scene, the way they’re standing together, another dance interrupted, but at the same time, there’s something sweet. Very bittersweet, I guess. Maybe it’s just because he’s too weary and hasn’t had it in him to put up the walls again, but to see him, yet again, seeking that comfort in her, allowing himself something he once would have denied himself. Allowing himself to feel his feelings and to comfort himself. 

There’s just so much that is beautiful and painful about this episode. For this to be the first time he’s felt peaceful and calm and he nearly died in order to have this moment? The knowing that he will have to leave, that he’ll have to return to feeling small and insignificant, that he has to face a new fear when he goes to prison, when this little suspended moment in time is all over. While I personally think - or hope - we’ll get to see a positive transformation from Nol while he’s locked up, thanks to the counseling he’ll be going through, it’s still hard to watch him have to leave this. I don’t want to romanticize his sentence by any means lol but I do think being away from his family, away from the people who chip away at him and tear him down, can give him so peace to confront what he hasn’t been able to. I don’t think it will be a total transformation of any kind - just the necessary first steps. Nol needs to be away from the Hiraharas, and to learn to see the worth in himself. 

I mentioned this earlier in this post, but I’ve been thinking a LOT about perception of self, and how others see us. For instance, the version of me that I intimately know, that exists to me, doesn’t necessarily exist to others. Likewise, there are people who will see me in very different ways than I see myself, and it’s not that they don’t know me well, it’s just that we all are different people to everyone we know. We’re multifaceted and shaped by our experiences, but also by our actions and how we’ve affected the people with whom we interact. 

Nol sees himself as a villain, as a monster, as someone who needs to be punished. But that’s not the version of him that Shinae knows, or Dieter or Soushi, either. To them, he’s a hero, he’s someone who does good. Shinae described him as the sun and while I think that’s partly because of his bright smile and bubbly personality as Yeonggi, I think it’s also in the way that he can make things a little better for everyone. Nol has never been able to see himself the way others see him, though, because he’s so pre-occupied with the version of himself he knows, the one that’s been so heavily influenced by the Hiraharas. That he’s a mistake, that he shouldn’t exist, that everything would be better without him. And because he can’t see those versions of himself, he can’t see that it’s not true. Shinae certainly wouldn’t be better off without him, nor would Soushi or Dieter. BECAUSE he’s in their lives, they are better off. And that’s what he needs to learn to see, to reconcile with the version of him that exists. Because sure, that’s part of him. Maybe it’s not correct, but it’s a part of his identity. But so is the version of him that exists to his friends. So is the version of him that Nana loves. And obviously, it’s not so easy to wake up to those sides, because of how overwhelming this version of him is. But I hope that time away from the people who feed into that image, with some counseling might help him start to clear that away and better see himself for who he is, all the multitudes that he is. 

Because here’s the thing - people contain a range of good and bad, that’s what makes us human. Our choices ultimately define that, but so do our circumstances. This is why I can offer empathy towards characters like Kousuke and Alyssa who have made choices that we wouldn’t consider right, but make sense for their circumstances. Nol contains so much darkness, but he also contains so much light. Maybe he’s not as radiant as Yeonggi - but maybe it’s only because he hasn’t had the chance to be. Who could he be with a break from the people who tear him apart? Who could he be away from their influence? That’s what I’m keen to see, and that’s why I think he’s not intending to leave everyone after prison - or at least not GHOST people. Maybe he does need to get physically away, go to college abroad, but that doesn’t mean he’d be abandoning his friends this time. 

Nol’s real family sucks. But this family - his found family - they can bring him the joy and happiness he deserves, even before he thinks he deserves it. Again, maybe I’m just being really hopeful, but I just feel like this is a significant, defining moment for him, hopefully the beginning of him realizing he’s allowed to indulge, he’s allowed the same comfort he’s offered to others. 

Gosh what a tangent lol I know this post would be a mess. I JUST. I HAVE SO MANY FEELINGS. I have sooooooo many disorganized feelings seeing Nol like this, how sad I feel how happy I feel how much my stupid heart pitter patters over his interactions with Shinae. The callback to the dance at the formal where she was so uncomfortable (BUT NOW! NOW! SHE’S NOT!!!!!!) the teasing about her dancing, and he WILL miss her. HE’LL MISS HER! UGH /GOD/ 

But boy do I hope Dieter is fast asleep lmao ;~; I don’t think Shinae or Nol are ready to face what is unfolding, but Dieter reads them so well, he’s aware of things before they are. He knows what he is, for lack of better word “competing” against, and I think maybe he even knows it’s a losing battle. He made his move and she turned him down and I think he’s accepted her friendship with grace and delight - getting to know her better, getting to grow closer to her than he ever thought. And god, isn’t it painful to watch her and know that she seems to be drawn somewhere else, that it’s nothing you can do anything about? Because Dieter loves Nol, too. He probably understands how someone would be drawn to him at all! And while I think Dieter is a character who would handle things with grace, it would still hurt. I don’t think Shinae and Nol are a thing that, if they ever happen, would do so any time soon, and by that time I like to think Dieter would be over Shinae in that way, that they’d be close friends still, that they’d be people who root for each other and want the best for each other. But for him to have that awareness NOW, ugh the pain. He’s already taken note of the way she is with Nol vs how she is with him, the way she was so overwrought when they found out about all the secrets and lies, when they found her crying in the rain. 

I DON’T WANT HIM TO GO THROUGH THAT DAMNIT ;A; 

But we are definitely at this point where it’s a little too obvious to deny, a little too obvious to look away from. Any attempt at earning Shinae’s affection feels like you’re competing with something else. Even if she’s not ready to face it and admit it yet, it doesn’t mean that it doesn’t exist. Whether or not it’s romantic or not is for her to decide, but for us as readers, we know that it’s something significant, that they have a mutual effect on each other that’s undeniable. There is so much trust shared between them now - despite it all, she trusts him, and he knows now that he can trust and rely on her, too. And as an outsider, it’s just obvious that something is there, however that something is defined. It’s not a stretch to say that Nol takes a priority, that she will at this point push things aside for him. 

Even romance aside, I think this is a dynamic we’ll be seeing a lot of going forward, because Nol still is not fast to open up to people and to rely on them. Trusting Shinae like this, letting her in to this more vulnerable side, I think defines a lot of their relationship to come as they evolve. Maybe Nol will leave and go abroad and maybe Shinae will date other people in that time, but I think we’ll see that Nol maintains a special place in her heart, that will be difficult for a lot of people to compare to. How do you compare to someone who has these experiences with her, who has developed a bond through these trials and tribulations lol? 

GOD. 

I HAVE SO MANY FEELINGS I JUST. WANNA!!!!!!!! SCREAAAAAAAAAAAAAM!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

[cuteniarose]

I've only had Honey for two and a half hours but if anything happened to her I would kill everyone in this room and then myself

[iicaru2]

genuine question how do neurotypical people go about their days. how do hyperfixations not consume your every waking thought. what do you mean you can just do shit that isnt related to your latest media obsession without wanting to crawl into a hole and die. living without all-consuming special interests that bring you both immense joy and unparalleled devastation sounds so boring. i would kill myself. how the fuck

[feixiiao]

i wanna do a lil moot challenge where it goes "moot that u would protect and kill anyone that hurts them *insert user/name*", "moot that u think is cool *insert user/name*", "moot that u think u would burn things together if u two were put in the same kitchen *insert user/name*", "moot that u think would piss themselves in a haunted house *insert user/name*" AND SO ON BUT I DONT EVEN HAVE MANY MOOTS BESIDES QING KEIN KIYO AND USER SORUFU AND ELEMENTALSTATIC cries

[feykrorovaan]

Anyone else wish that they had a magical dragon scale that took them to an alternate universe full of talking dragons that they could go on adventures with as a kid,or was that just me?

[hollow-prey]

maybe if I legally changed my last name to Jeagerjacques it would stand out enough on my resume that I'd actually get call backs for job offers after applying

[mochatheangelkiller]

The bitch is back

[malachitezmeyka]

Pumped out another 1543 words for AIDIB in the last two hours or so, bringing the total word count of chapter 3 up to 4031 words so far. Baba's couch works wonders for my writing ability, apparently :)

[immashapeshifter]

This is why I hate the debate of Dazai would choose Oda over Chuuya. Would he really? because I feel like without Chuuya he wouldn't even have considered Oda request.

Oda's request would have just proved Dazai's (suicidal) point that life means nothing, that it doesn't matter what side you're on, or whether you're a good or bad person.

But since Chuuya made him WANT to live, is why he considered that request, because Dazai knows that life isn't completely meaningless, Chuuya showed him that.

Because Chuuya showed Dazai that life is somewhat worth living, that makes it easier for Dazai to consider oda's request, because it wasn't about just doing good because there no meaning, it's about finding more meaning in the thing that you never considered exploring.

For all we know Dazai's life has been bad to say something, Chuuya was a highlight of the little good he had in his life and was a beacon of the present good in it, while oda's request was casting light on the possible good in the future.

So to reiterate, Dazai wouldn't choose Oda over Chuuya, because without Chuuya, Dazai wouldn't have been alive to meet him, much less care about him or Ango.

The same way that Chuuya wouldn't choose the Mafia over Dazai, if force to pick between the two Chuuya would pick Dazai without second thought, Chuuya would destroy the world and himself for Dazai. Chuuya may be loyal to the Mafia but his loyalty lays with Dazai.

And Dazai may have left the Mafia and followed Oda's dying wish, but Dazai never risks Chuuya, Dazai is willing to let Oda's wish burn with the world for Chuuya. Hell Dazai was ready to let Yokohama get destroyed just to prove that Chuuya human, why would Dazai care that Chuuya human? Because Chuuya cares about whether or not he's human, so it matters to Dazai.

Dazai is Chuuya's humanity, and Chuuya wants so desperately to be human, Dazai ability is truly a gift to him, and one he adores full heartedly

Chuuya is Dazai's reason to live, not much to say to it, Chuuya highlights the good that Dazai struggles too see, he makes Dazai consider things he thought useless, and he lets Dazai feel more comfortable in the fact that his existence doesn't have to have meaning. (And Chuuya ability is something that Dazai finds beauty in, it something he finds mesmerizing to the point where he can just stop and stare and just forget about all the bad things even for just a moment)

___________________________________

Tldr: Oda just gave him something to fill his need for a meaning to life and living, while Chuuya makes him not care/think about whether life needs meaning or not to live.

Chuuya made Dazai want to live.

Oda made Dazai want to change.

[somethings-wrong-with-fae]

Looking at the dragon age tag is a dangerous thing for me because I fall in love with every single OC I find (mostly in platonic ways). I scroll through and go oh funky little guy and then get attached. This is why I drop out of the fandom for months at a time not because I don't like the games (cuz they are my favorite games of all time) but because I look at people's inquisitors and Hawks and wardens and I go "funky little guy!!!" and then I get hyper fixated

[miirohs]

no body, no crime [o.p.s]

pairing: Mob Boss!Oscar Piastri x GN!Reader wc: 1.8k cw: reader shoots someone, poor hurt/comfort an: this one is dedicated to the local piastri lover em because that Danny Ric fic is never leaving the editing stage,,, had to change it up a bit tho bc the beginning was hampering the rest of it, but anyways I’m continuing the 2 am shitposting tradition 💀

The clock ticked softly in the background, a cold breeze filtering through the room as you curled further into the sheets, squeezing your eyes shut as you tried to drown out the noise. The nightlights shone through the thin curtains, the light of the bright neon billboards cast onto the floor.

Oscar wasn’t home again, leaving you to your lonesome in his penthouse in London, something about an emergency meeting at eleven in the night.

You weren’t worried much about the call time, but you couldn’t help the pit that formed in your stomach as your head rested on his shoulder, still too tired to make out what he murmured in a low voice on the phone.

Whatever it was sounded important but he didn’t let you hear anything, herding you back to the bedroom with the promise that he’d be back sooner if not later. You held onto his hand, eyes shutting for good as the warmth of his hand slipped away once again.

With that, you fell into a fretful sleep, waking up at odd times for no explainable reason.

You felt dreadful as your eyes opened again, apartment eerily quiet, vision blurring as you read the clock.

2:45 A.M. It read.

You crawled to the end of the bed, letting your legs dangle off the bed as you reached out for your phone. Not a single notification on the screen and you sighed, opening up the messages app.

As you opened Oscars contact, something outside clicked faintly, making you jump. You slid off the bed, feet padding against the wooden flooring as you wandered into the hall.

You didn’t see any guards posted, even as you called out names you could barely remember hoarsely, getting no response back even as your voice bounced around the hall. It was slowly starting to freak you out, but you figured it was just the lack of sleep getting to you.

You couldn’t remember the last time you felt this paranoid, and it wasn’t just for nothing.

The lights were off in the living room and kitchen, and you turned on the flashlight on your phone, your free hand pressed to the glass window. Your hands trembled slightly as you returned to tapping against the screen, typing up a message to send to Oscar.

where are you rn? heard something outside, can’t see guards anywhere.

The screen lit up, speech bubbles popping up for a couple moments before diapering entirely.

lmk when you’re on your way.

You sent the message, sliding onto a chair and hunching over the granite countertop. The phone rang only moments later, and you snapped out of your stupor, looking at the caller id.

[Osc].

You swiped, sliding off the chair and walking into the kitchen.

“Y/n? Is that you, baby?”

“Mmm, it is,” You mumbled sleepily, fingers running along the countertops as you reached to open the cabinet, "Where are you?"

"I'm on my way back," Oscar replied, tone relieved. "Are you okay? Did something happen?"

“No, I thought i heard something,” You paused, anxiety thrumming under the surface of your skin as something clicked again, “And the guards aren’t here, they-”

“What do you mean not there?” You held the phone away, eyes widening as he cussed softly. The shock and fear in his voice sent a chill down your spine.

"I don't know," you stammered, glancing around the dark kitchen, "I called out for them, but no one answered. I thought it was just me being paranoid but…"

"Lock yourself in the bedroom. Now. I'm almost there, and if anyone breaks through, there's a gun in my nightchest. Don’t use it, just scare them if you have to." He instructed, voice panicked. You paused as he rambled further, eyes landing on a glass half full sitting on the countertop next to the sink.

“What the…”

Your head was slammed into the counter, blinding white pain licking across your temple as you dropped the phone.

The glass shattered as you flailed, crumpling onto the floor. Your world spun, something wet staining your hand as you clutched your head.

Oscar was now frantically shouting through the phone, and your vision blurred as you scanned the floor for the bright light. The sound of your phone cracking made you scramble back, trying to stand up as the world spun under your feet.

You could barely see the assailant in the darkness of the apartment, barely illuminated by the lights of the city.

They lunged for you, barely missing as you scrambled to the side, back hitting a wall. It was barely seconds before they came for you, pressing you up against the wall with their gun, cutting off your circulation.

The cold metal dug into your neck, and you clawed at their clothed arms, aimlessly flailing. Your kicking paid off, as the intruder gasped in pain as you landed a kick to the crotch, gasping for air as you slid down. Despite the throbbing pain, you dogged again when something flew at your head, crawling to the living room and pulling yourself up against the coffee table.

The intruder closed in once again, swearing loudly as they limped towards you. Grasping blindly, your fingers closed around a metal vase, swinging it in their direction. It connected with a resounding thud and you got up, shoving past them in the direction of your shared bedroom.

You’d stunned them, but you weren’t sure how long it’d last, locking the door behind you as you fell to your knees, crawling over to his side of the bed, slumped against the bed as you opened the drawer.

Your fingers closed around the cold metal of the gun Oscar had mentioned, hand tensing and untensing as you stared down the shiny silver. Suddenly, the door banged again, and you froze.

The rush of blood drowned out the taunts, positioning yourself in a far corner of the room, eyes straining in the dark as the doorknob jiggled.

That didn’t last wrong, the wood of the door splintering and cracking. "Come out, you-" the intruder's voice was cut off by another loud bang on the door, hand reaching down to the handle through a crack in the door.

There was nothing but the bed between you now, the door finally giving way, allowing them to stumble into a room with a malevolent look.

Panic surged through you and you raised the gun as threateningly as you could.

He grabbed your wrist, wrenching the gun from your grasp and throwing it to the side. You struggled, kicking and clawing your way out of his grip, diving for the gun. They tackled you once again, and you both tumbled to the ground.

In the struggle, your finger dug into the trigger, losing circulation as he pinned you down, gun shaking uncontrollably.

A shot rang out, followed by an intense ringing in your ears, the grip on your hands loosening. Something warm splattered against your face, blood pooling at your sides and you could only stare in horror.

There was nothing but a ringing in your ear, staring into the darkness as if expecting something else. The door burst open and Oscar rushed in, his eyes wild with fear. It was the first time you’d seen him so unkempt, eyes widening in shock as he connected the dots between the smoking gun in your hand and the body on the floor.

You couldn’t make out what he was saying, only as he pulled you closer to him, feeling the vibrations in his chest.

You couldn’t really make out what he was saying, slumping down against him as tears escaped your eyes.

You weren’t sure how much time passed till you could hear him again, blanking out for a couple of moments before you could remember again, sitting on the bed once again.

You could hear Oscar shouting in the other room, probably on the phone again. Something had gone terribly wrong for his composed self to be shattered.

He had Lando sitting in the room with you, monitoring you as your legs dangled off of the edge of the bed, staring down at hands crusted with blood.

Both of you didn’t say much, only nodding to any questions he asked, not even listening entirely.

“Is she doing okay?” You turned at the sound of Oscar's voice, opening then closing your mouth as Lando shrugged noncommittally, murmuring something about how he hadn’t heard a peep in the hour he’d been there.

You phased out again, only coming back to your senses as he gripped your hand, kneeling in front of you.

"Hey," Oscar said softly, high contrast to the way he had been yelling earlier. "Can you look at me baby?"

You blinked, slowly focusing on his face. The tears were coming back, and you swallowed them down again, digging your nails into his hands instead.

He didn’t complain, running a soothing thumb over your knuckles. "You don’t have to if you don’t want to," He continued, "You're safe now. Everything's going to be okay."

Even when you didn’t answer and stared blankly, he continued, listing things aimlessly to catch your attention.

“We’re going to increase security detail for you by the way. I won’t be leaving you on your own for a while…” He paused in his explanation, tilting his head at you. “Please talk to me, baby, I’m worried.”

You swallowed hard, feelings like a mess of strings as you opened your mouth. "I don't know what happened," You shuddered, voice barely above a whisper, "I just... I had to… I just killed someone. Oh god, I'm a killer."

Oscar's expression softened further in contrast to the steely tone he used as he gripped your hand tighter. “No, you didn’t. If anyone questions you, I was the one who did it. Not you, me. Don’t blame yourself for what happens to scum like that.”

“But then- then you’ll get in trouble,” You whispered, haunted by the thought, “they’ll arrest you.”

He smirked, reaching up to brush the hair out of your face as if he was contemplating something.

“Osc baby, what-“

“Whoever sent them,” He spoke with slight disgust, although you could tell that wasn’t at all the full gist of what he was feeling, “Started this trouble first. They can’t arrest me if there’s no body to be found. No body, no crime baby.”

You could only stare at him, heart aching slightly as he pulled your hands to him, allowing you to run your fingers through his messed up hair.

“You’re…” You didn’t finish the sentence, allowing him to stand up and hover over you.

“It’s going to be alright,” he murmured, his voice soothing as he wiped your unshed tears. “You’re strong, we all know that.”

“I don’t know what I’d do without you.” You sniffled, hands looping around his own as he cradled your face.

“You’ll never have to find out,” he replied, leaning down to kiss your forehead, arms holding you down almost possessively, “Never when I’m here.”