#quarantine pro ana

[evan-algore]

I haven't been active on any pro Ana anything in a while.

I haven't gotten diagnosed with any ED as of now (if I were to self-diagnose; it'd be EDNOS/OSFED) though I'm finally talking about it in therapy.

I haven't acted in any ED related behaviors in a while and the intrusive thoughts are near non existent. It's been almost a year since I've stressed over my meals and I've lost weight from it. Ironically, I expected this. (See; EDNOS/OSFED)

From 10y/o to 19y/o, I stayed between 147lbs and 130lbs despite destroying my digestive system and heart trying to be 118.13lbs (BMI of 18.5) or less. My eating disorder had been such a central part of my adolescence.

I don't know how, but around 2020, I guess I just had bigger fish to fry than my body, or maybe not having lost any real weight over a decade disillusioned me. Mentally; I was at my worst over quarantine and still kinda since so its primarily due to that. Just a temporary shifting of tides realistically.

These days, I struggle to remember the calorie counts of this, that, and the other thing I used to have memorized like gospel. I've been working as a cook at a restaurant for almost 2 years and find myself being able to sample the foods I make without anxiety.

I still had a lot of anxiety when I started the job but it feels like forever ago now.

I'm officially underweight as of a couple days ago. I put on a few gw cloths and I feel nothing. Not gratification nor shame. More like casual acceptance. (I think it was my 3rd gw that was 118.13. I remember it was my ugw up until I was 14y/o)

My mental health is still ass but the personification of ana in my head has since taken on a far more realistic and accommodating character personality.

I've reverted back to my old eating habits in which I easily forget to eat and never seem to be hungry anyway. It always bothered me how this went out the window when I started trying to restrict. (Again, see my assumption on EDNOS/OSFED lol)

Oily and greasy foods have always made me nauseous so that hasn't changed but, otherwise, I have no fear foods anymore. Milk was a fear food but I find myself drinking it as a meal replacement when I don't have an appetite or otherwise can't stomach solid food.

I've finally mentioned it in therapy but, all things considered, it's a low priority. There's still a risk of it coming back (I know that ed's can't just get up and walk away) so it will be addressed soon. It's kinda nice not having to deal with it so I want to make sure it stays that way. It's distressing how much of my day and life revolved around it.

I never expected to be in this position. I don't know how to feel. I was always terrified of being taken off my medication once I got diagnosed with an ed and I'm still terrified of that happening now (I've been taken off them before; long story short, an ed would be the least of my problems). I can only hope I can prove to my doctor's that I'm presently well enough to stay on my regiment and maybe being an adult will allow me more influence on that decision. I may be required to gain weight for that and another reason anyway so even my cw is likely temporary. Regaining the weight may summon my ed back into existence but time will tell.

Time will tell.

I figured I'd post some kind of update even though I didn't get much interaction on this account when I was active. The fact that this account still exists keeps popping up into memory and it feels weird to just leave it as is.

I just changed my bio from; "Male-19-cw:130lbs-hw:152-lw:128-hight: suffer.__I'm mostly posting memes (like my last two deactivated accounts lol) and not much else. I'm also five foot seven lol. I'm not that insane."

Throughout this, I did gain a lot of experience about how ed's tend to work. I'll end this with some advice that made it a little easier to live;

----If the alternative is a feeding tube, just eat something. If it works to threaten your anxiety with a 2k+ calorie feeding tube being shoved down your nose if it doesn't let you eat a can of tuna, do it.

----Eat or drink dairy before purging to neutralize the stomach acid and prevent stomach ulcers and tooth decay.

----Keep safe foods on hand when you can in case the anemia or protein deficiency becomes impossible to ignore.

----However much you'll eat that day, always make sure to eat after a workout, even if it's a small amount.

----Keep some kind of emergency kit somewhere you can reach in the event you can't physically get out of bed or get sick beyond management. (I kept aspirin, vitamins, tuna packets/protein bar, water, and an electric heating pad)

---- Otherwise, have an emergency plan if things go wrong. You know your health and you ed better than anyone else, take advantage of that for the sake of your life.

Listen to your body and take care of it for the long term.

Don't let your ed out-live you.

I don't know exactly what's going on with me or why it is the way it is so please don't think you can do the same one day; I still remember very vividly how powerless I really was to my ed when it was at it's prime.

Stay safe out there. I love y'all.

[abigsad]

Sunday, March 27, 2022

Today was a split and a long ass day

Breakfast: on my way to work at 4am- like 11am? Protein smoothie and monster to get me going

Pea protein powder 20g - 70 cals

Hershey's coco powder 5g - 20 cals

Unsweetened almond milk - 8oz -40 cals

Pacific punch monster - 16 oz - 220 cals

Meal total: 351 cals

Lunch: was craving what i had for dinner last night and wanted to eat the last chicken thigh

Olive oil - 5g - 44cals

Imperial vegetable oil spread (total on broccoli and potato) - 40 g - 171 cals

Broccoli - entire bag, like 5 cups - 150 cals

Yukon potato - 191g - 139 cals

Bacon bits - 1tbls - 30 cals

Chicken thigh - 117g - 153 cals

Meal total: 687 cals

Snacks: while with my bf this morning and making lunch

Coffee creamer, powdered - 1tsp - 60 cals

Bomb pop - 40 cals

Meal total: 100cals

Dinner: at work and had to be creative. Also v tired of the same shit and usually I'll get something that happens to be fresh out of the cabinet. Also this was at like 9pmish? Once it slowed down since i was alone in upper management today, but at least i had solid baby management support.

Mustard (on top of meat) - 3 cals

Mcdouble plain, no bun - 230 cals

Hot picante sauce - 2 packets - 10 cals

Mcnuggets - 4 - 160 cals

Baby fry (like in the happy meals w apple slices) - 115 cals

Meal total: 548 cals

Total daily intake: 1686 cals

Morning shift cals burned according to watch: 2146 cals

Night shift cals burned according to watch: 2203 cals

Total burned according to Samsung watch: 4349 cals

1686 - 4349 = -2663 cals net

I'm honestly not sure how much i trust nets like this. Like i know i was at work for like 10-11 hours today, and only counted the time on my feet not when i was closing and doing money, and it registers my heart rate that averages 140s-150s on the floor, but still. I feel like the scale is a better decider on that.

[thinny-dreams]

my friends are catching on about my disordered eating habits. (i won’t self diagnose) but i feel awful. they worry constantly

it’s just. thin girls. skinny skinny girls whether they see it or not. they are effortlessly beautiful. and dainty. the small arms, the small waist, the legs and calves, the flat beautiful tummies. even skinny girls belly buttons look better ?? i need to be smaller. i lost almost thirty pounds and it’s still not enough. i thought ten pounds would make me skinny. it didn’t. i want to be beautiful.

[skinnybiss00]

It's time biatch..

Don't fucking waste money on food, buy clothes instead so that you can wear them when skinnyyy. BITCH.

[maw-yoshida]

I am deeply sad... And that’s why I am going to count calories again!! That’s it bitches xx

[ijustwanttobeskinnythanks]

winter time is the best and worst season to lose weight because of all the holiday foods but also you wear big jackets and no one sees your body and by summer time you’ll be skinnyyyy

[thecagedbird]

thinspo blogs DNI

i’m seeing a lot of pro-ana/ED blogs following me lately (don’t kid yourself-if you’re posting SW/CW/GW & thinspo, you’re pro-ED, not just ‘expressing yourself’) friendly reminder that i do not support eating disorders or thinspo/pro-ED blogs and i do not want you interacting with or following this blog. this is my personal experience with my eating disorder and attempt at recovery. if you have any questions or want to discuss this more, DM me otherwise, byee 

[deamons-in-your-head]

imagine relapsing...DeFinAtLy CaNt ReLaTe

[nxmores]

november will be my ed anniversary

i am so close to my sw

i have 77 days 'til school

if i want my ugw, i need to eat 600 kcal a day and start exercise so my fucked up metabolism wouldn't be more fucked up

it makes me cry that i had a whole year A WHOLE YEAR

and know i gotta use this 77 day so i hope i will start food logging.

i hate myself.

[xxnaomixxblr]

Me getting fat during quarantine

[stephen-stephen]

I am over the moon today!!!) lost 1kg over night! and then again casually burnt 400 calories before breakfast))

sw - 74

cw - 69.7

gw - 47

there is a long way ahead.

[wispyingandwillowing]

Ana Books!!

So quarantine is hitting a lot of us hard. I’ve been picking up reading books, and I found some anorexia related books. I attached online pdfs for you guys so you don’t have to pay <3 

Believarexic http://peachtree-online.com/staff/seasonal/pdfs/Believarexic.pdf

Wasted: A Memoir of Anorexia and Bulimia  https://epdf.pub/wasted-a-memoir-of-anorexia-and-bulimia-ps.html

Unbearable Lightness: A story of loss and gain https://epdf.pub/unbearable-lightness-a-story-of-loss-and-gaindead030696cee0c7cc732986d75fc13014522.html

How to disappear completely   https://fulasouin.firebaseapp.com/aa337/by-kelsey-osgood-how-to-disappear-completely-on-modern-anorexia-reprint-paperback-b00l76oqhy.pdf If you guys want more dm me <3 much love xoxo

[lostfloweronthemoon]

Some tips very useful when you're locked down with your family and can't restric/fast as you want

[ first, look at the bright side, you mostly can't binge, cause there's people 24/7 home 🦔]

~ change you day rythm, pretend you want to change your routine: go to bed early (8pm/9pm) and wake up early (5/6am) so that you can easily skip dinner and workout in the morning and fake having breakfast

~ I'm in the case where all meals are taken together around a fucking table lol, so I can't give the food to the dog, or hide it ahahah

All you need is to chnage your diet, I became vegan, so that nobody cook my food, plus you can find low cal vegan meal for cheap 😉

~ if family wants to force you eat dinner before bed, tell them you ate something in the afternoon, like a fruit eg (I'm restricting rn so i usually eat fruit and tea in the late afternoon) in general my family won't notice. If you're fasting, hide the fruits in you room or feed it to your dog or to the bird ahahah

~ take naps obviously

~ fake being sick, actually I'm quite lucky cause I have very bad cramp recently even tho I'm on a new pill, so thankfully I have a rightful excuse, but you can also tell them you have a headache or something

~ if you can't work out or something, do yoga at least (some good yoga routines can be very exhausting lol)

~ Okey that one is super risking for people with Mia, but COOK A CAKE OR SOMETHING to your family, before dinner or something, as an excuse for not eating tell them you ate during the cooking process and now you feel nauseous

~ for those who wanna purge... Well I personnaly can't cause noises obviously, and i still didn't come with a damn tips, so if any of you has one, please share

Okey that's it I have nothing to add yet ^^

Good luck to y'all, I personnaly couldn't keep being force to eat more than 2 meals a day, it makes me sick and feel so disgusting, and I know I'm not the only one

[skinnybiss00]

Today was hella epic, i decided to eat normally so i 'naturally' woke up late and helped my family prepare lunch, i ate everything in my plate, drank ALL the soda i was given, had a bit of a smoothie as well for 'desert' went upstairs to my room with two dark chocolate minis, ate them, laid on my bed, opened my phone, and found the online k fashion website i was looking at yesterday before sleep, and then i felt like a clown XD

Went to the bathroom, purged EVERYTHING, felt good abt myself, and now i'm sipping on my green tea while being on tumblr with mixed emotions 😂😂😂

And that was my epic day of eating normally lol

[maw-yoshida]

Tumblr: Is everything okay?

Me: no, but... Fuck off!!

[vanishing-venus]

Quarantine Kik chat room. Who’s in?

Just message me and let me know 😅