#prosciutto problems

[oddverse]

“Have you ever been in love?”

[shiningneedlecastle]

had the horrible realization that my thing for kisshu/quiche from tokyo mew mew (evil pale alien dude with elf ears and tied ponytail hair wielding twin blades, that fucks continually with the protagonist and goes batshit crazy at certain points) when i was in like 4th fucking grade foreshadowed my thing for marazhai from rogue trader now

[deusluxuria]

per my last email..........

(image descriptions: first is pesci and doppio badly edited onto a stock photo of two men getting married. second is a different stock photo of two wedding men with prosciutto and diavolo edited onto them)

[chika-nyan]

*lies facedown in the dirt* One more day……….. after that my long work week comes to an end and I will revive once more u_u Tentative otome day this Tuesday? We’ll see how I’m holding up after a long rest, honestly it’s 25/75 but it’s a chance nonetheless wheeze

[teaboot]

Kind of a random hill to die on rn but "You'd eat this thing you hate if you got hungry enough" does not set a reasonable expectation of what "hungry enough" means for people with food problems.

Like, are we talking "stomach grumbling" hungry enough, or "can't stand up" hungry enough? Cause personally, I can make myself eat a bit of a pork chop if I'm barfy and shaking and can't see straight anymore, but if it's down to "black out for three days and wake up angry and confused" or "willingly swallow prosciutto", I'm having sleep for dinner. And I know this from experience.

People without food problems don't seem to understand this and it drives me insane. "Hungry enough" is for shit like chewing drywall because the alternative is death or cannibalism.

If I say I can't eat something, It means I can't eat it. It Is Not Edible To Me. It's not even appetizing. It literally does not register as food. You might as well hand me a rubber duck.

And it's frustrating!! Trust me, I wish I wasn't like this, too!! This isn't a choice!! I know it can be rude!! It's embarassing!! It's complicated and annoying and irrational!! That doesn't fix the problem!!

I just wish people didn't treat this sort of thing as "being picky" or lacking willpower or basic manners or something. I can't make myself eat certain foods the way you probably couldn't cut your own fingers off. Does that make sense? It's not just food. Fuck

[shankss-magnificent-ass]

Imagine Rob Lucci trying to make up with you after an argument

Rob: [just got home from a long day at work and immediately sits down on the couch]

You: Oh, hey hon, did you just get home?

Rob: [sighs] yes

You: How was your day?

Rob: long

You: [notices he's being really kurt with you] That sucks. Since you had such a long day, would you like to pick what I cook for dinner?

Rob: Brandy.

You: [chuckles] I knew you would say that. That can be arranged, but what food would you like?

Rob: I don't care; you can make whatever you want.

You: right, how about something low-effort, like a charcuterie board?

Rob: [runs his hand over his face to try and tamp down his growing overstimulation] Fine by me.

You: hmm, I'll have to pop out to the market real quick, we're running low on cheese. I'll buy some cured meat while I'm out, probably prosciutto.

Rob: fine [gets up and tries to create some space for himself]

You: are you mad at me?

Rob: [tenses up as his temper flares, but manages to tamp it down] No. [doesn't know how to properly express his frustration and the need for space from his problems and people in general] I just... Want to be in space.

You: I might be able to help with that. Do you get drugs tested at work?

Rob: yes?

You: [ shakes your head and turns back into your seat] Then I can't help you.

Rob: [throws up his hands in frustration] Great, just leave me alone for a while.

You: Fine

Rob: [Snaps] Do you always have to have the last word?!

You: [gives him a warning look]

Rob: oh, now you have nothing to say!

You: just go into your study, before you say something both of us regret.

Rob: Don't you take that tone with me.

You: do whatever you want, Rob, I'm done with this. I'm going to the market. [Grabs your keys and wallet/purse and leaves without slamming the door]

Rob: [huffs and looks over at Hattori]

Hattori: [giving him a judgmental stare]

Rob: What are you looking at! You don't have a partner, you don't get to judge me. You single-feathered fuck.

Hattori: [shakes his head]

Two hours later

You: [comes into his study and aggressively puts a charcuterie board, and a glass of brandy down in front of him and storms out of the room without saying a word]

Rob: [realizes that he ruined your evening by being a dick and feels bad, so he gets up and follows you] I'm sorry, I took my frustrations about today out on you, and that wasn't okay.

You: [clearly still steaming mad at him]

Rob: I'll be more mindful of that in the future.

You: [deflates] Fine.

Rob: [knows you're still stewing] Why don't I draw you a bath? Hot baths pair well with charcuterie boards and wine.

You: Just a bath?

Rob: I'll put milk, honey, and oatmeal in it, so your skin is nice and soft.

You: a bath alone?

Rob: if you want.

You: I don't know

Rob: I can join you if you want? I'll even rub your shoulders.

You: and we can cuddle?

Rob: {smirks as he pulls you into his arms] yes, we can cuddle. [Kisses the top of your head]

You: Alright, you're forgiven then.

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[lady-of-endless]

Risotto Nero romantic headcanons (sfw+nsfw)

Author's Note: Sorry for being an old-school romantic and writing headcanons like these, don't come at me. I wanted to take my time with Risotto as he is so complex. I really hope that those are not too far-fetched. I hope you'll enjoy it! The lovely gif is not mine, I'm thanking the owners for it.

P.S. Prosciutto will be next. I just have to calm down from the feels I have for the husband, I mean Prosciutto.

SFW

- The most beneficial context for your relationship is for it to start off as a partnership, a team. This way, you go through many critical and dramatic experiences together and that will only bring you closer and strengthen your connection. Even after confessing, this dynamic remains, you are still a team, watching for each other.

- Everything about him indicates a slow burn. From obtaining his trust first and then his heart. Even after those two are won, he's still reluctant to the new dynamic. He will never deny those feelings even if he thinks that someone in his position should. Risotto is not just rationally intelligent but also emotionally intelligent so he knows that such desires of the heart cannot be stopped. He doesn't deny the feelings but he suppresses them. He knows how complex those emotions are and that's the problem, it complicates everything around him and you. But little by little, he starts giving in and surrendering to his love.

- At first, he analyzed you only from a strategic point of view (regarding your abilities and how you can work with his team) and in time, it escalated into a deeper and more emotional point of view. Because of this and because Risotto values other opinions and perspectives from his teammates, he seeks advice. No, he won't ask directly but he'll be more attentive when the others talk about you. However, the only one who Risotto might ask for an opinion is Prosciutto because he shares some morals and principles with him. Surprisingly, Prosciutto will put his rational arguments aside a little bit because more than the respect and admiration he holds for Risotto, he wants him to experience this sort of happiness.

- Risotto will not know how to react when receiving your affection, at first. There are many thoughts and morals that don't let him receive affection right. Many of those thoughts are regarding his line of work. He has made peace with the fact that he's not a good man, that he doesn't deserve good things. He's okay with it now, he did what he had to do.

- His preferred love language is acts of service. He's used to doing things for others (but even so he doesn't see how selfless he is) so acts of service are his way to show his feelings. He would do anything for his close ones so for you, his loved one, he would die for you, kill for you, protect you, anything, you name it. Plus, Risotto is always very observant and because his interest is your well-being, he pays extra attention to your needs. About receiving, it can be anything. Again, he doesn't see himself worthy of love.

- He rarely smiles so when you finally catch a glimpse of this rare occasion and compliment him, Risotto is lost. Any sort of comment like this will have him feel things he never felt before, in a good way. As a result, he starts smiling softly more at you in privacy.

- If you get severely injured on a mission, he still keeps his composure in your presence while helping you, patching you up, and even trying to heal you with Metallica. He's serious while doing it but it will be the only time in which his hands start trembling. After helping you, while you rest, he's still there watching over you fully neglecting his need for rest. As you sleep and he looks at your injuries, that's when his composure breaks. The guilt he's feeling is heavy in his heart, thinking how this way of life is not what you deserve and it's his fault.

- He's capable of many things, he's also a strategist but that doesn't mean that he doesn't have moments in which it all gets too much to process. That's where you come to the rescue. He doesn't want to pass his difficulties to you so it will take a lot for him to let himself tell you what's wrong.

- Secrecy and subtility are a must. But he'll get you (he'll make it), a dainty and thin silver bracelet with a charm that resembles some sort of blade. Whenever he's thinking of you and wants to let you know it, you'll feel that bracelet move a bit from his magnetism, as a reminder.

- As subtle as he thought he was, in time, every member of La Squadra will know what his feelings are towards you. Melone was the first to notice the way Risotto looked at you. Since his discovery, Melone couldn't keep it for himself and since then, they all started behaving suspiciously. They smirk every time you talk to Risotto about missions and other formal details, they try to let the two of you alone more, and so on.

NSFW

- Contrary to popular belief, he's not rough (not every time at least) or freaky behind closed doors. His usual and favorite approach is slow and deep. He likes to take his time with it as he sees sex as not just a way to get pleasure but a moment of deepening the connection you have already.

- He never wants to use sex as an outlet for his pent-up frustrations and stress but if you give him the green light, he might give into it when things get too much to bear. But he still holds back a little bit, worried about how rough he can easily get. If you're into this rough approach as well and it's noticeable, he'll feel less guilty but still careful.

- He can go on with the foreplay for hours. Risotto likes to feel the tension build. Enjoying the reactions and the growing desire gives him the most pleasure, more than the act itself. Because of this, he might sometimes slip into trying orgasm denial with you.

- At first, he doesn't see the point of experimenting with kinks because he's so touch-starved. He only needs you. However, gradually he will start asking you for consent about some ideas he has. Watch out for your hands. If you get them close to the metal bars of the bed, your wrists will get caught in metal bindings in the blink of an eye.

- Quiet in the beginning but soon you'll see him losing his composure and start grunting and growling close to your ear as he buries his face in the crook of your neck. Not only that but you'll hear sweet words of affirmation, unheard before as he gets lost in the feeling of you.

- Aftercare is obligatory. It always gets intense, sometimes even rough, and he's aware of his size too so calming you down and taking care of you is both a way of showing his gratitude and also a duty (don't get this one wrong, he sees the act of aftercare as important as the rest of his duties, that's it). The aftercare always ends with him holding your hand and kissing it as another silent expression of his gratefulness and adoration for you. It's his unbreakable habit.

- He has to admit, he likes to mark you. Not in a possessive way, that's why those marks will only be on parts that are not usually visible. But because he loves the image and concept of your skin reacting to his affection. You can leave marks on him as long as they're not visible, again, it's about secrecy and subtility. He might feel a bit proud, just a bit, when he looks in the mirror at the scratches you left on his back.

- Doesn't get bored of being on top. After all of that slow burn and build-up of your deep connection, of course, he wants to look into your eyes when you both let yourselves be engulfed in the pleasure. Might even get a little mischievous with it when he's in a good mood. "If you look away, I'll stop."

The only situations in which you are the one on top are when you simply ask for it or when you tell him you want to help him relax. Hearing those words coming from you while you start touching him with care and warmth is going to be the death of him.

- Not a fan of quickies. He needs the whole thing. As mentioned before, he needs to feel the tension built and loves taking his time with it. But also, above all, he wants to treat you right so a quickie will never be enough for this.

[dicentsalve]

Hmm.. I'm very interested in your ideas / headcanons for La squadra, if you don't mind sharing

Ooooh, you woke up the wrong beast, bb

● Sorbet and Gelato.

Sorbet, being a priest at the prison, meets Gelato, who later goes to his church as a "correction".

This is not a story about how a bad boy spoiled a nice one, they are both crazy bitches, just in different conditions.

This is all until the moment when they are both thrown out of civilized society.

Gelato often tells some strange, disgusting or funny stories from missions or prison (He especially likes to tell them to Pesci).

Sorbet finds a common language with people quite easily, not conflicting (at least outwardly).

Sorbet's Stand - The Informers.

It's a multitude of bright blue dragonflies that penetrate into electrical and Internet networks, searching for the desired information

If the information isn't complete, then the stand collects all the pieces that resemble the answer to the request.

Gelato's Stand - Disturbed

A stand that signals the owner in the event of an impending danger and from which side it is approaching

If the threat is not eliminated, then the signal will continue to come with increasing frequency, increasing depending on the threat to life.

● Formaggio

Has a terrarium with spiders.

Every member of the team knows when a football match is taking place (not by choice).

Often watches matches with Prosciutto and Sorbet.

Sometimes plays with an ordered target (like children tearing off spiders' legs or drowning butterflies)

Secretly uses Illuso shampoos.

● Illuso

He is more sarcastic in Risotto's presence, much less in his absence due to the desire to present himself as better than others in his eyes.

It is quite possible that Risotto himself unintentionally contributed to this.

He knows that Formaggio uses his shampoos (he will strangle him on New Year's Eve)

● Prosciutto

He likes older women, especially if they have money, status and connections (hence the very expensive clothes).

He is a Neapolitan, which is both audible and visible.

He often clashes and picks on Ghiaccio because the White Album cancels the ability of Grateful Dead.

He often keeps Risotto company on lonely sleepless nights over a glass of martini and whiskey. Mostly, these are just silent get-togethers, so that he doesn't get lonely.

He is often the one who gets it from Risotto for the mistakes and failures of other team members, especially the younger ones.

He gets angry when Gelato scares Pesci with stories, but doesn't have the balls to say anything back to him.

● Pesci

He's a Tuscan and often uses the Tuscan dialect, especially in stressful situations, and also starts to mumble and stutter, which irritates Prosciutto, who doesn't always understand him exactly or at all.

He runs in the mornings to the embankment, sometimes together with Ghiaccio.

● Melone

Have known Ghiaccio since childhood.

He is quite calm without external triggers, just like Ghiaccio, so they easily found a common language.

Melone passed Polpo's test without waking up Black Sabbat, has had a Stand since birth, which partly helped him.

Unhealthy frequent contact with women in childhood instilled a more consumerist and insignificant attitude towards them in adulthood, which was additionally influenced by the Stand, the capabilities of which he actively explored without moral and physical restrictions.

Passion for neat, well-groomed legs, especially with heels, is due to the perception of innocence, inaccessibility and defenselessness, which is especially attractive for creating a junior.

Sleeps naked, because it is more cozy and comfortable.

Blindness in one eye was a big problem at first because of the blind spot it opened up, but he learned to pay more attention to it (He sometimes crashes into someone/something on sharp turns). He was able to get a higher education thanks to his brother's connections (or rather, the opportunity to get)

● Ghiaccio

After receiving the stand, he was a huge pain in the ass for everyone when he was just learning it.

Has a low body temperature.

Only Risotto and, a little less often, Melone can shut him up.

Sometimes he sleeps poorly, so he comes either to Melone (he regrets his life choices) or to Risotto.

Makes everyone who dared not only to drive it, but to touch anything in it, dry clean his sweet Miata.

● Risotto

He hates tea and mineral water.

Sometimes he makes fun of Formaggio (like stealing a fork while he's turned away or tripping him up a bit).

Melone and Ghiaccio - his right and left hands.

He knows many grannys well, whom he met at the cemetery and who always look forward to his return to Sicily.

His father was a member of the Sicilian Mafia.

[thus-wrote-mrs-zeppeli]

“I really hate when you do that”

Various Golden Wind antagonists x reader and their habits you don’t like

Headcanons style

Content, plz read: MEAN and aggressive behavior, toxic behaviors, creepy behaviors (I mean Melone is here he’s kinda a warning in his own right), slightly suggestive

Characters: all of La Squadra (no Sorbet and Gelato), Squalo+Tiziano (they’re a couple+reader), Diavolo/Doppio

-Formaggio: Besides the blatant animal abuse, he also does that really obnoxious thing where he eats whipped cream right out of the can. Staring at him with horror or disgust will not dissuade him, might even encourage him honestly. He likes doing stuff just to get a reaction out of you, which is Another problem. Sometimes he’ll shrink your furniture just to mess with you. And he totally shrinks you too, but only a bit, and only when he thinks it’s funny, such as when you’re trying to reach something on a high up shelf. Jerk.

-Illuso: He’ll just invite himself into your apartment whenever he wants. You’ll get home, and hear your shower running, and unfortunately he’s done this enough times you don’t bother with freaking out or rushing him to get out of your shower or begging him to not use all your shampoo this time. You just go in there while he’s showering and flush the toilet so the shower water gets really hot for a minute. He has SOME NERVE getting mad at you for that. Doesn’t he have his OWN shower somewhere?? But Nooooo it’s More Romantic and intimate or something to use yours, and the bastard even uses your towel-

You curse that he is a professional assassin…no matter how thoroughly you locked the doors, Illuso would find a way in, and make himself right at home.

-Prosciutto: He never learns how to speak nicely to you, smh. Sure he’s not as horribly harsh as when you were just acquaintances, but he’s still very. Mean. It’s just how he is…you gotta wonder if he even hears himself sometimes. Whether it be mean names, bossing you around, or just generally talking harshly to you he is Always so MEAN in a way that definitely goes past “tough love”. And he gets very dismissive if you try to say anything, but at least he can tell when he goes too far and severely hurts your feelings, and he’ll Try to tone it down just a bit for the sake of his marriage. Getting an apology out of him is nigh impossible but at least he’s not bullying you over nothing constantly anymore.

-Pesci: He’s honestly not that bad, but you really wish he was a bit more confident in himself and a bit less attached to his big brother. Like, he’s hard to plan stuff with, because he often has plans with Prosciutto…oh but…you can come along too, his big brother probably won’t mind…

You really don’t want to hang out with both of them though. Just Pesci. And you honestly don’t really like Prosciutto, suspecting his smothering type of “tough love” is much more of a burden for Pesci than a help. But you have literally no idea how to approach that conversation without sounding like the bad guy. No matter how you cut it, at this point in your relationship, Pesci is much more likely to listen to Prosciutto’s logic than yours, much to your irritation.

-Melone: WHERE TO START. He says everything that comes to mind when he’s around you. Every. Thing. He does not hold back, licking his lips, ALWAYS in your personal space while he makes weird comments about you. You swear if he could he’d just fuse himself to you so he could always be physically close to you. He practically crawls into your lap when he gets the opportunity to sit close to you, and he takes asking him to back up or give you space as a joke until you’ve been pushed far enough to consider smacking him away. And he is very, very obsessive, remembering every detail about you in a creepy way. And also one time early in your relationship before you had Ever even started discussing sharing a bed with him you woke up to him just IN YOUR BED WITH YOU?! And he was genuinely confused when you yelled at him and kicked him out of your bedroom. He’s your boyfriend, right??? Why are you chasing him out???? It’s romantic and normal for couples to share a bed right??? What does it matter if you’ve only been on 1.5 dates??

You had Nero talk with him about leaving you alone at night until when you were ready to proceed to that point with him. He really doesn’t understand but at least he doesn’t argue with his boss.

Oh and he totally steals your recently worn clothes. It’s “romantic” to put them under his pillow at night, smh.

-Ghiaccio: If you didn’t know he had a temper when you started dating him, I’m afraid that’s on you at this point lol. He gets angry SO easily over EVERYTHING, and YEAH you are not immune to his rage just because you’re his sweetheart. He doesn’t put his hands on you when he gets into his awful moods (he’s got enough sense to know that would end Extremely badly for everyone involved) but everything else around you is fair game. Expect him to trash his or your apartment when he’s in one of his (frequent) foul moods, flipping and throwing furniture, punching holes in the walls, purposefully breaking anything he can get his hands on…most of your arguments aren’t even about his temper directly, more often about the amount of money he’s costing both of you with his outbursts.

And the YELLING. He talks so fast and so loud and expects you to hear every word…a man who goes into frequent rants…you love him a lot but sometimes he talks way too much. And eventually you get somewhat used to it but…Ghiaccio even rants and twitches in his sleep (he has got to be one of THE most unpleasant men to sleep next to oml). Snoring would be one thing, sleep talking too, but Ghiaccio sleep yells at some invisible offender. Never in your life had you considered smothering him with a pillow until you hear him yelling full freaking sentences for five straight minutes in his sleep.

-Risotto Nero: He is SO stoic, no matter how he Feels about something he’s barely going to show any sort of reaction at all. You absolutely cannot surprise this man or make him smile no matter what you do. The worst part is he picks up on your frustrations that he doesn’t really emote or laugh or anything like that, so he’ll fake reactions, but he’s Not a very good actor, so you totally know he’s just pretending for you. And it’s honestly kinda creepy watching him fake smile or fake laugh, like, “ew, Risotto what are you doing with your face?” He sounds like he’s…barking slowly when he tries to fake a laugh. You tell him he does Not have to do that but for some reason he feels obligated to fake such things for your sake. Honestly you find it a little bit hurtful he thinks he has to change his mannerisms for your sake, but it is admittedly a bit funny when he freaks out the rest of his team by trying to react to you.

-Squalo and Tiziano: Squalo can be SO impulsive sometimes, SO impulsive. He takes it Very personally when he thinks either you or Tiziano have been disrespected, and that means he might freak out a bit since he feels like he’s the one who has to protect the two of you, for whatever reason. You and Tiziano often have to calm him down before things Escalate. And Tiziano…he frequently explains things to you and Squalo that you really don’t need explained. And he’s almost always very levelheaded, which can make him feel a bit condescending when Squalo or you get upset but you both know he’s just trying to help when he doesn’t give in to your more fiery emotions. He won’t usually let the two of you just let it all out when you’re stressed, expect him to always give advice even when you just want to rant.

-Diavolo/Doppio: The paranoia drives you Insane. Diavolo is a very smothering partner, always hovering around you, keeping those poisonous green eyes on you, watching for any sign of betrayal or malicious intent from you…any hint that you’re scheming something, any excuse to cut you down and finally reach that perfect anonymity. But as long as he enjoys your companionship, without any real motivation he won’t kill you. And Doppio is frustrating to deal with, in charge of keeping you entertained when Diavolo was not in the mood to deal with you. If he was going to be such a loner, you didn’t see the point of him practically handcuffing you to him. Most often you only had Doppio for company. He was sweet but even with his understanding of the situation, he wasn’t quite sure how to handle it. How far was he supposed to go to keep you happy? The Boss said to just buy you whatever you asked for, and give in to all your demands but…eventually you were gonna get experimental with what you would ask for, right? It’s very annoying that every time you ask for anything, he gets a call from Diavolo telling him if it’s okay or not to comply with what you wish for. If it’s not okay, you’re certain to get into an unpleasant argument with the Boss about it when he’s finally ready to appear in front of you again. Sometimes he’ll disappear behind Doppio for weeks or even months, but you know he’s always watching and listening. You really wish he’d put some effort to being a little less elusive with you, given that you were the only person actually allowed to look at him.

[soupbabe]

Can I request la squadra with a reader with a biting problem? NOT in a kinky way, like they basically chew on anything they can like a dog. That pen that someone lost? Readers chewing on it. The strings on your hoodie are busted? They were chewed on by reader. THANK YOU 🙏

La Squadra x Reader with a Biting Problem Headcanons

I'm so sorry for taking so long to get to this 😅😅 been focusing on other stuff lately and been forgetting to write

Formaggio

- Oh he also has a biting problem!!

- If you had a nickel for every time you saw Formaggio get ink all over him for biting a pen too hard, you'd get two nickels

- He doesn't mind your bad habit, he thinks it's adorable!

- It's not a big deal to him, just another cute quirk you both share

- Bite him he'd bite you back <3

Illuso

- He's going to act disgusted even though you know he has the same biting habit

- You'd loan him a pencil and he'd return it with the eraser accidentally bit off

- He's in complete denial about it though. Might try to convince you that you did it.

- He's a terrible liar and stubborn so it's useless trying to argue about it

- Tease him and he'd get so pouty about it, crossing his arms and rolling his eyes at you

Prosciutto

- Okay yeah I think he's the only one who doesn't share anything with you because he fears you chewing on his stuff

- And also unfortunately for you he will always be in someone's business

- He'd see you chew on the neckline of your shirt and he'd lightly scold you like "What are you, a goat? Stop it."

- I promise you he can be caring about it

- For example he cares a lot about the condition of your clothes. That's why you don't chew on it. See, he's helpful.

Pesci

- He's a chronic biter too, but he does it out of nerves!

- Constantly asks if you're okay when he sees you fidgeting and biting something

- Sure he knows you just do it when you're bored, but this man is always stressed and worries that you might be getting anxious over something too

- Pesci has a bad habit of biting his nails, thinking about you both reminding each other to break the habit!

- Pesci is just super supportive, having someone like him to help him to stop biting is a major relief

Melone

- Melone doesn't care for the most part, he just asks you to refrain from chewing around his juniors

- He doesn't like to think about the chaos that'd bring if Babyface decided to eat anything and everything they see because they wanted to copy your behavior

- But Melone is ever the teasing type, he sees you chewing on a pen or him, and he's always going to make it something more than it actually is

- Like he's the kind of guy to ask for one of your chewed up pencils just bite and lick at it, all while maintaining eye contact.

- All in the efforts to fluster, make you mad, etc. Everything you do is amusing to him

Ghiaccio

- Reader you are so lucky he likes you because it's one of his major pet peeves

- Ghiaccio doesn't like it, you will get certain privileges revoked because you chew on his things

- Things you're banned from: His pens, pencils, hoodies, erasers, literally anything in his room

- But also it irritates him that he's picked up your biting habit

- It's when he's in deep thought and working, he'll occasionally chew on a pen or bite through the wires on his headphones

Risotto

- I think he tries to mind his business about it, he doesn't outwardly say his thoughts on the biting problem, but it's telling that you have never even held one of his pens

- Risotto doesn't think it's gross, he just likes to have things without bite marks, y'know?

- Literally he only cares if it's his own stuff getting bit, with everything else he believes you and the others can talk it out

- If you're even closer to him, he may find it endearing.

- It's like seeing someone focussing with their tongue poking out, it's just a weirdly cute quirk of yours

[oddverse]

Finally home from work this is how I make them extra terrible so i can feel better about myself

I need cracked out la squadra headcanons, they are the mafia I need them to love coke and hookers

[princelylove]

Dear prince,

I have come again because I cannot ignore your callings any further. (I'm the anon that requested the jotaro hcs and prosciutto with model darling) sorry they were a bit tame, I have so much I wanna ask but don't. Partly because I get so nervous and giddy while thinking of sending them and partly because I forget to.

Anyways, I've been thinking of sending you an ask about the more doting yanderes e.g. Bruno, Jonathan and whoever else comes into your mind with a little 'miss independent' darling. They get so offended and pouty when their captor tries to help them or do something for them, thinking it's an act of underestimation and thinking they aren't capable enough and have to be babied. (How will the yanderes handle this? Maybe even a bit of brat taming?)

– 💝🪤 darling

There's no need to be shy about it. I'm fairly happy to humor requests, even if they're on the tame side. I do wish I'd receive some odd ones, though. Variety is fun.

Wellll. Do you like to be restrained? Because this is like begging to be given less and less privileges, assuming their darling is already safe and sound in their 'home.'

Bruno loves you a lot. He wishes he understood what he's doing wrong- spouses are supposed to relax when their man is home!

He gets fairly frustrated early on. It's agitating, if he's being honest. Bruno doesn't know how to punish this kind of behavior- his instinct is to bend you over his knee and make you count how many times he spanks you, but that's probably just going to give him more problems long term. You won't relax in front of him if he's hit you before, and the goal is to make you want to roll on your back for him...

Maybe he can't hit you, but he can scold you. Bruno exists to help you, please just let him handle the dangerous things, even if it's just cutting up some fruit. Knives aren't a joke!

He goes through a few stages before he lands on proper scolding. First, he tries to bribe you. Then, he tries to reason with you.

"Come on, amore. This is for your own good. What can I do to help you through this?"

Since neither of those work, it seems he has no other option than to chide you.

Jotaro wishes you would just shut up and behave. You're such a pain in the ass sometimes, you know that? He regrets how he handled taking you home. Maybe if he were nicer, you wouldn't behave like a spoiled brat that acts out for his attention.

Yeah, he's fully convinced it's an attention thing. You're just fucking with him. Obviously you're pouty and whiny because he's been busy lately, so... sorry. He'll be around more, ok? No need for all of this whining and screaming and crying shit, it's annoying as hell.

Yeah, sure, you can take care of yourself. He's not doing that. He's checking you. You're not a baby, sure, he never said you were. Can you just lift your shirt up already? He needs to check for bruises again.

You can expect any verbal resistance to be met with.... verbal resistance. Jotaro is unsurprisingly quick witted, and can be pushed a little before he starts to find it annoying. He'd prefer you to be docile and happy about it, but Jotaro can see a little back and forth as fun. Maybe. It depends.

When you really piss him off and aren't cooperating in the slightest, he's less fun about it. His ability to stop time comes in handy when his favorite brat thinks they can get away with not humoring his paranoia checks. If you're not going to play nice, Jotaro will just violate any sense of privacy you were clinging to before this. Fine, ok. Make him be the asshole because you don't want to do something simple like let him see your arms or stomach.

He offers no comfort afterwards, because he didn't do anything wrong. Maybe if you listened to him, you'd understand. The house rules aren't up for debate.

... Yes, he still wants to sleep with you tonight and to tuck you in nicely. That isn't up for debate either.

[nicherayyy]

la squadra with a child whos really quiet? like dont speak at all unless its really important

La Squadra x quiet Child Reader

You always were really quiet. In fact, it was surprising to you how loud some kids could be. Like?? Why are you yelling in the middle of the store??

You really value silence. There were days when you could sit in your room all the time without a single sound. You don't like to talk much either. You prefer to listen. And sometimes it scared the hell out of La Squadra.

Risotto tries to talk to you whenever he has a spare moment. Sometimes it's not even something important.

"What's your favourite kind of breakfast? I can cook whatever you want"

Though if he sees that you don't want to talk right now, he'll just leave you alone. He understands how tiring can be sometimes. But if you need to talk about anything, he is always here for you.

On the other hand, Prosciutto is worried about you. At first he even thought that you were too shy to talk to them. For this reason, he spent a lot of time with you.

"Look, there's nothing to be shy about. How about you tell me about your day"

But over time he saw that you simply preferred silence. So he left you be. But honestly, he's so happy when you talk to him.

Illuso finds it amusing. He had never seen a child that would remain silent bc they just want to. When you first spoke to him he was shocked.

"Wow, you can talk"

But he don't mind. He likes the silence. Although sometimes he wouldn't mind listening to your thoughts.

Formaggio's sad about it. Here he thought that he got a new buddy, and you're just.. being silent?? That's a shame. No matter how much others beg him to leave you alone, he still tries to stick to you with his stupid questions.

"What colour of cereal do you like?"

Pesci is cool with this. If you don't like to talk then just don't. Whatever makes you feel comfortable. Sometimes he likes to just sit with you in silence. But when you talk to him he feels so honoured.

"Y-yes? Do you need something? Are you okay?"

Melone don't mind your quietness. Though he wish he could talk to you more often. But he loves how attentively you listen to him.

"So I read this book yesterday-"

And when you start the conversation he's so overjoyed! Please, talk to the poor man.

Ghiaccio don't like this situation at all. He thinks you hate him and that's the reason you won't talk with him.

"Why don't you just talk? What's your problem?"

Melone had to explain him for a long time that it's just who you are and it's nothing to do with him.

[the-illiterate-pirate]

Seducing La Squadra ♡ (Suggestive)

This one's for my babygirl @jojowifey 😘 hi sorry if these are a little half-assed it's sleepy tired hours. Not including Sorb and Gel this time around because tbh I don't really see them being into getting hit on at the bar? I mean they're a couple why would you want to hit on them ANYWAY-

#7– Formaggio

•Easiest to seduce into taking home... My guy's a horndog. Some nights you wouldn't even need to try, just give him a flirty wink and you're set. Desperate much? Maybe, just a little... Can you blame him? Being in the Mafia is stressful stuff. Other nights, just be confident, offer him a drink, tell him how sexy he looks, he'll be falling in love on the spot.

#6– Prosciutto

•You could not believe the stress this man is under even if you tried. The only reason you'd find him at a bar is to relax, with a drink or with a lucky lady. He has more dignity than Formaggio though, and will take his time getting to know you. But he's still a needy man, and he loves a woman who takes charge; sit in his lap, feel him up, tell him how you feel. How can he refuse?

#5– Melone

•Similar level to Maggi, but you need some more umpf trying to get him to leave the bar. Melone is all for flirting it up with you in public though, so have your fun. He's also a sucker for light touches. Hands ghosting up his arms, playing with his hair. It drives him wild, and he'd love to feel more of you. Teasing him is a sure fire way to leaving the bar with him.

#4– Illuso

•Attention, attention, attention. Make him feel noticed. Compliment his appearance, compliment him, his dick will go flying off. But seriously, you may call it narcissism, but 'Luso doesn't get as much attention as you'd expect :( just treat him good, and you're set. He isn't as easy as the rest, but after some getting to know you, he'll feel comfortable enough to take you home, and maybe more ;3

#3– Risotto

•Similar to Prosciutto, Risotto doesn't go out much unless it's to relax. The best way to get along with Risotto is to get to know him, and help him unwind first, maybe some light drinks could help. It takes some time, but if you're patient you'll get to see a new side of him, something softer, and a little more flirty. You might not get a ride home on the first night, but Risotto wouldn't mind slipping you a private phone number if you want to try a second go.

#2– Ghiaccio

•Ghia isn't all hard headedness, he's a young adult who's easy to fluster. But too much teasing will make him upset. Tread lightly at first, get to know him deep down before you shoot your shot. At some point you'll be able to joke with him without problem, but full on flirting? This boy will short circuit. It may be cute, but don't dote on him too hard. Trying to seduce Ghia is 50/50, depending on his mood you may be able to leave with him, or it may end in just light hearted flirting.

#1– Pesci

•Oh boy oh boy. Pesci is the hardest to seduce. Not because he isn't in to it, but my boy can be a little... Dense. And being headstrong there's the chance he'll freeze up and get turned off to the whole experience. Pesci really isn't into one night stands or the like, and would much rather prefer something more steady, if that's what you're into. You might not leave that night with him on your arm, but you could leave with a number, and a lil kiss on the hand.

[raspberriesandadventures]

Asleep Beside Them - La Squadra Headcanons

︵‿︵‿୨♡୧‿︵‿︵︵‿︵‿୨♡୧‿︵‿︵︵‿︵‿୨♡୧‿︵‿︵

Sharing a Bed with Them

Risotto:

Risotto sleeps lightly. It’s an unfortunate side-effect of his job. The slightest bumps in the night will wake him up so he’s going to ask you to move as little as possible.

He’d prefer you on his chest, your comforting weight allowing him to make sure you’re safe and tide over some of his nightly paranoia.

He doesn’t shift at all and makes even less sound. If you ever wake up in the middle of the night, you’ll be tempted to check and make sure he’s still breathing.

Getting him to come to bed with you will always be a bit of a fight because he’s constantly overworked. You can normally tempt him by falling asleep on his shoulder.

His dreams are often surreal, featuring beautiful colours and morphing shapes he doesn’t understand but sometimes you’re there and he always wakes up happy then.

Formaggio:

Formaggio sleeps like a log but he never sleeps deeply enough for nothing to wake him – sounds or unusual movements from you will draw him into alertness.

He likes to have you wrapped in his arms at all times and he insists on being the big spoon as long as you’re happy with that. Good luck leaving this spot.

He doesn’t move very much but he does speak in his sleep, often senseless mumbling, but rarely he’ll confess to eating your snacks.

You will have no problems getting Formaggio into bed. He’ll gladly curl up with you even if he’s meant to be working (although obviously not on the job).

He has mostly fun dreams, intermitted with brief and startling nightmares. He’ll always be grateful if you wake him up from either, you’re much better than a dream.

Illuso:

Illuso only ever sleeps in the mirror realm where he knows he’s safe and, when here, there is no force on heaven or earth that can wake him up.

He’s not particularly affectionate when he sleeps and prefers to be only loosely in contact with you. Knowing you’re in the same bed is enough of a contact.

He’s a very deep sleeper but he moves a surprising amount, tossing and turning and often stealing the blanket from you. He will call you a liar every time you tell him this.

Sometimes it’s difficult to get Illuso to come and sleep but often, it’s almost shockingly easy to convince him to disappear into the mirror realm.

Illuso doesn’t remember his dreams very often but he always knows when they involved you because those days, he’ll wake up blissful and content.

Prosciutto:

Prosciutto takes some time to fall asleep but, when he does, he looks gentler than you could imagine. It’s sweet and also why he never sleeps near the others.

He appreciates sleeping back-to-back, knowing that he’s watching your weakest point and that you have his. Even if you wouldn’t be the best defense, he trusts you.

He infrequently shuffles around and almost never speaks unless you make sounds in which he will tell you to be quiet though he never remembers saying this.

It’s painful to try and convince Prosciutto to come and rest. He has a list of requirements before he sleeps and will not lighten up on any of them.

Though he wouldn’t say it, his dreams are very romantic and often feature you, wrapped in a golden haze and nothing less than happy.

Pesci:

Pesci is a fairly light sleeper and he wakes up rather like a zombie, scaring you the first few times he sits up out of nowhere and begins moving.

He likes having you wrapped in his arms with your head tucked close to his chest because he truly feels as though you trust him to look after you.

He speaks all the time in his sleep and it’s frequently very clear with anything ranging from declarations of love to strangely detailed job plans being explained to you.

Some nights he’ll come to bed with you easily but he’ll frequently find himself wrapped up and need to be offered cuddles. Sometimes he holds out on you for this.

Pesci’s dreams are chaotic and often feature Prosciutto and the others prominently which has resulted in some awkward situations when you’re there too.

Melone:

Melone leans on the heavier side of sleeping when he gets around to finding the time to rest. That by itself is a pretty rare occasion.

When he sleeps, he really likes to face you while he falls asleep so if his mind is racing too fast, he can see your peaceful expressions.

He doesn’t speak often while resting but he moves a lot. At the worst, he sleepwalks and at the best, he tosses and turns constantly through the night.

Melone doesn’t think of sleeping as important but if you remind him and ask nicely enough, he’s not going to protest in the slightest.

His dreams are quite vivid but they’re strange and often more self-focused. Sometimes though, he’ll turn around and see you and you’ll warm everything.

Ghiaccio:

Ghiaccio sleeps the most out of all members of La Squadra. He goes to bed the earliest and wakes up the last if nothing interrupts him.

He switches between which positions he favours but he really likes having one of his arms beneath your pillow. Your weight comforts him without being overwhelming.

He is a loud sleeper and if he isn’t snoring, he’s likely speaking. His rants don’t stop in sleep and if you listen, they’re surprisingly coherent.

You can’t convince Ghiaccio to take naps with you unless a job has left him too exhausted to protest. He likes his schedule.

He really doesn’t remember his dreams very well but when you’re there, it’s one of the few times when he remains quiet throughout his sleep.

Sorbet:

Sorbet sleeps deeply every night. He speaks highly of maintaining a constant sleep cycle and encourages everybody around him to try it.

He doesn’t like too much contact while sleeping and the most he’ll give you is a single tangled leg. If you’re an octopus in your sleep though, he won’t mind much.

He makes some strange noises when he’s asleep and the first time you hear them, they will absolutely give you a fright.

You can convince him to nap with you with ease. All it requires is a soft inquiry or a small yawn and he’ll join you on the bed without complaint.

Sorbet remembers all of his dreams in scary detail and he doesn’t frequently enjoy them, abstract as they are, but he always tells you about them if you ask.

Gelato:

Gelato doesn’t sleep for long periods of time, often sustaining himself entirely on short naps, but he’s sometimes willing to sleep at your side if you ask.

He entangles himself with you and wraps his arms and legs around you rather like an octopus, often burying his face into your neck before sleeping.

He doesn’t move much or make any noise but, even when he’s tangled with you, he’s likely not actually asleep. If he does though, he hums softly like he’s serenading you.

If you try and ask him to sleep with you, he’ll encourage you to seek out Sorbet instead unless you really insist. He’s not really able to say no to you.

When Gelato does dream, nightmares chase him almost constantly and he often wakes up in a cold sweat but being with you can sooth him.

[wifelinkmtg]

Wifelink: Murders! #sponsored

Welcome back to the best dumb idea I've ever had! Murder has come to the City of Guilds. Well, murder lives here, but it's crept out of the shadows, crawled up from the undercity, slunk through steam and oozed its way out of the breeding pools, and guild leaders are dropping like coins from a debtor's mouth. Who could be responsible? Who could be next? Who was that woman slipping furtively into an alley, and what's her deal? Is she single? Some of these questions and more will be answered on today's episode. Live from Ravnica, this... is Wifelink.

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WAIT, WE'RE DOING RAVNICA? DIDN'T YOU SKIP A COUPLE SETS

What are you, Azorius? I've never felt any fondness for Eldraine, and I really didn't vibe with the new Ixalan set, so we're doing the Ravnica Murder Mystery set. I'm not going to do every single set that comes out or this will be my full-time job by 2026.

Cold Case Cracker (art by Wayne Wu)

Some things are very simple. Good cheekbones and the classic trench coat with the wide belt. I particularly enjoy the way her hair looks more like strips of fabric or parchment.

Merchant of Truth (art by Carissa Susilo)

"Goth angel" works on me every time, and this piece is particularly gorgeous - the composition and that dress, my goodness. You don't see a lot of angels from behind in Magic, on account of you would have to figure out what the anatomy and clothing situation is where the wings connect to the back, and Carissa has solved the clothing problem rather elegantly, and refused to engage with the anatomy problem at all. I can respect that.

I've never quite understood what's going on with Orzhov angels - I think they're mostly supposed to be disillusioned ex-Boros, but they don't really get much of a voice in story. You've got the flavor text on Angel of Despair, "it is as if their duty is to an empty void," but that's a quote from the most Boros of all the angels. Perhaps it's simply that the Orzhov don't labor under the same illusions as the other white-aligned guilds - the Boros and the Azorius and as we see in this story, even the Selesnya are all firmly entrenched in the idea that they stand for what's Right and Good on Ravnica, but ultimately they stand only for themselves and their own power and pre-eminence. The Orzhov, at least, make no secret of this. Maybe that's a comfort, to an angel.

Experiment Twelve (art by Michele Giorgi)

Oh baby girl the Simic fucked you right up, didn't they. Claws and scales and some sort of muzzle - do you feel like an animal, now? Do you hate what they did to you, or do you glory in your new sharpness? Did you escape, or are you on their leash? Are you hunted, or am I?

Bubble Smuggler (art by Leesha Hannigan)

This is Glovax. I've only had them for a day but if anything happened to them I would kill everyone in the room and then myself.

Honestly I'm disconsolate that this isn't a real animal that exists in the world and that I'll never get to rescue one from an aquarium and have an octopus fish best friend for life. You know that soul-sick feeling you get when you remember that Anomalocaris has been extinct for 500 million years ago and that you will never be able to pet one? Yeah. Goddammit they're going to make this a pet on Arena and I will spend real earth dollars on it.

ALL THESE TENTACLES AND STILL THE BIGGEST SUCKER IS YOU. NOW MAKE WITH THE LEGENDARIES

Etrata, Deadly Fugitive (art by Livia Prima)

I have looked at a whole lot of Etrata art, and do you want to know my considered opinion? This outfit fucking rules. It's got one and a quarter sleeves, thirteen visible buckles, a circular collar that connects only at the sternum, and a clingy ankle-length skirt with a slit damn near up to the thigh to reveal more buckles. It is the least practical outfit I can imagine an assassin wearing short of an inflatable dinosaur costume but god, it looks like it's meant for deadly stealth, and I am in love. Etrata is broody and gorgeous and has a big knife and extraordinarily naked shoulders, and what else could you want?

Judith, Carnage Connoisseur (art by Jodie Muir)

A look specifically crafted to elicit "step on me mommy"s from the general public. I'm on record as saying that there's no way Judith does any sort of aftercare, so maybe have a Selesnya cleric on speed-dial if you're gonna run that risk.

Judith, Carnage Connoisseur (alternate art by Alex Dos Diaz)

I think Loxodon Hierarch is screening my calls.

Honestly, I would do stupid, stupid things for a pretty girl with red eyes, sharp nails and facial scarring. I'm not sure what kinds of things I would do for a pretty girl with gold flame decals on her arms, but based on prior evidence, they would probably also be extremely stupid.

Izoni, Center of the Web (art by Justine Cruz)

It's weird how people get locked in your memory at the point in time you knew them. You know you've changed a lot since then, and if you thought about it you'd agree other people might well also have changed, but you don't think about it, and then you run into an old friend or an ex and the things you knew them for, the things you've tied their memory to in your mind, aren't even still part of their life.

So Izoni, my beloved Izoni, Ravnica's foremost bug girl and finder of beetles, has moved on with her life in the past six years. She's into spiders now, that's her thing. She's a spider girl. And that's cool, spiders are cool, too, but the way this went in my head I was going to tell her about the mantis-riders of Tarkir and the dune-beetles of Amonkhet and the behavioral quirks of giant ants on Innistrad and now, instead, I'm not sure what to say. "You're looking well," I suppose, or something about, "so, leading the Swarm now? How's that going for you?"

Analyze the Pollen (art by Anna Christenson)

It's not even that big a change, really. Hardly noticeable. She still has that same intensity, that same curiosity. Her brows still furrow in concentration. She's still covered in crawling things, and she is still the most beautiful woman on Ravnica. Spiders or insects, what's the difference? All it means is that six years have passed. All it means is that the places and people you love continue to move in your absence. All it means is that you're both talking past each other to your echoes, to the people you used to know, who no longer exist. Time has eaten them both.

And if you, like time, get hungry, don't forget to use our affiliate code KNIFELINK at -

HEY. HELLO FLESH IS A RAKDOS JOINT, RIGHT

- in the middle of the ad read, dude?

YOU SAID HELLBENDER CHEFS DO THE CHARCUTERIE. THAT'S JUDITH'S PLACE

Yeah, what about it?

DO YOU THINK SHE'S GONNA BE GOOD WITH CONTENT SHE SPONSORED CALLING SOMEONE ELSE THE MOST BEAUTIFUL WOMAN IN RAVNICA

Ah.

OR LIKE DO YOU THINK SHE'S GENERALLY COMFORTABLE SHARING THE SPOTLIGHT

...so thank you all so much for listening to this episode of Wifelink! I'm going to lay low for a bit, and if my body turns up face-down in an undercity canal, y'all know who did it.