#prosciutto problems

[oddverse]

“Have you ever been in love?”

[shiningneedlecastle]

had the horrible realization that my thing for kisshu/quiche from tokyo mew mew (evil pale alien dude with elf ears and tied ponytail hair wielding twin blades, that fucks continually with the protagonist and goes batshit crazy at certain points) when i was in like 4th fucking grade foreshadowed my thing for marazhai from rogue trader now

[deusluxuria]

per my last email..........

(image descriptions: first is pesci and doppio badly edited onto a stock photo of two men getting married. second is a different stock photo of two wedding men with prosciutto and diavolo edited onto them)

[chika-nyan]

*lies facedown in the dirt* One more day……….. after that my long work week comes to an end and I will revive once more u_u Tentative otome day this Tuesday? We’ll see how I’m holding up after a long rest, honestly it’s 25/75 but it’s a chance nonetheless wheeze

[teaboot]

Kind of a random hill to die on rn but "You'd eat this thing you hate if you got hungry enough" does not set a reasonable expectation of what "hungry enough" means for people with food problems.

Like, are we talking "stomach grumbling" hungry enough, or "can't stand up" hungry enough? Cause personally, I can make myself eat a bit of a pork chop if I'm barfy and shaking and can't see straight anymore, but if it's down to "black out for three days and wake up angry and confused" or "willingly swallow prosciutto", I'm having sleep for dinner. And I know this from experience.

People without food problems don't seem to understand this and it drives me insane. "Hungry enough" is for shit like chewing drywall because the alternative is death or cannibalism.

If I say I can't eat something, It means I can't eat it. It Is Not Edible To Me. It's not even appetizing. It literally does not register as food. You might as well hand me a rubber duck.

And it's frustrating!! Trust me, I wish I wasn't like this, too!! This isn't a choice!! I know it can be rude!! It's embarassing!! It's complicated and annoying and irrational!! That doesn't fix the problem!!

I just wish people didn't treat this sort of thing as "being picky" or lacking willpower or basic manners or something. I can't make myself eat certain foods the way you probably couldn't cut your own fingers off. Does that make sense? It's not just food. Fuck

[shankss-magnificent-ass]

Imagine Rob Lucci trying to make up with you after an argument

Rob: [just got home from a long day at work and immediately sits down on the couch]

You: Oh, hey hon, did you just get home?

Rob: [sighs] yes

You: How was your day?

Rob: long

You: [notices he's being really kurt with you] That sucks. Since you had such a long day, would you like to pick what I cook for dinner?

Rob: Brandy.

You: [chuckles] I knew you would say that. That can be arranged, but what food would you like?

Rob: I don't care; you can make whatever you want.

You: right, how about something low-effort, like a charcuterie board?

Rob: [runs his hand over his face to try and tamp down his growing overstimulation] Fine by me.

You: hmm, I'll have to pop out to the market real quick, we're running low on cheese. I'll buy some cured meat while I'm out, probably prosciutto.

Rob: fine [gets up and tries to create some space for himself]

You: are you mad at me?

Rob: [tenses up as his temper flares, but manages to tamp it down] No. [doesn't know how to properly express his frustration and the need for space from his problems and people in general] I just... Want to be in space.

You: I might be able to help with that. Do you get drugs tested at work?

Rob: yes?

You: [ shakes your head and turns back into your seat] Then I can't help you.

Rob: [throws up his hands in frustration] Great, just leave me alone for a while.

You: Fine

Rob: [Snaps] Do you always have to have the last word?!

You: [gives him a warning look]

Rob: oh, now you have nothing to say!

You: just go into your study, before you say something both of us regret.

Rob: Don't you take that tone with me.

You: do whatever you want, Rob, I'm done with this. I'm going to the market. [Grabs your keys and wallet/purse and leaves without slamming the door]

Rob: [huffs and looks over at Hattori]

Hattori: [giving him a judgmental stare]

Rob: What are you looking at! You don't have a partner, you don't get to judge me. You single-feathered fuck.

Hattori: [shakes his head]

Two hours later

You: [comes into his study and aggressively puts a charcuterie board, and a glass of brandy down in front of him and storms out of the room without saying a word]

Rob: [realizes that he ruined your evening by being a dick and feels bad, so he gets up and follows you] I'm sorry, I took my frustrations about today out on you, and that wasn't okay.

You: [clearly still steaming mad at him]

Rob: I'll be more mindful of that in the future.

You: [deflates] Fine.

Rob: [knows you're still stewing] Why don't I draw you a bath? Hot baths pair well with charcuterie boards and wine.

You: Just a bath?

Rob: I'll put milk, honey, and oatmeal in it, so your skin is nice and soft.

You: a bath alone?

Rob: if you want.

You: I don't know

Rob: I can join you if you want? I'll even rub your shoulders.

You: and we can cuddle?

Rob: {smirks as he pulls you into his arms] yes, we can cuddle. [Kisses the top of your head]

You: Alright, you're forgiven then.

List of Up-and-coming works || Master list || Twitter| Kofi || Patreon

[lady-of-endless]

Risotto Nero romantic headcanons (sfw+nsfw)

Author's Note: Sorry for being an old-school romantic and writing headcanons like these, don't come at me. I wanted to take my time with Risotto as he is so complex. I really hope that those are not too far-fetched. I hope you'll enjoy it! The lovely gif is not mine, I'm thanking the owners for it.

P.S. Prosciutto will be next. I just have to calm down from the feels I have for the husband, I mean Prosciutto.

SFW

- The most beneficial context for your relationship is for it to start off as a partnership, a team. This way, you go through many critical and dramatic experiences together and that will only bring you closer and strengthen your connection. Even after confessing, this dynamic remains, you are still a team, watching for each other.

- Everything about him indicates a slow burn. From obtaining his trust first and then his heart. Even after those two are won, he's still reluctant to the new dynamic. He will never deny those feelings even if he thinks that someone in his position should. Risotto is not just rationally intelligent but also emotionally intelligent so he knows that such desires of the heart cannot be stopped. He doesn't deny the feelings but he suppresses them. He knows how complex those emotions are and that's the problem, it complicates everything around him and you. But little by little, he starts giving in and surrendering to his love.

- At first, he analyzed you only from a strategic point of view (regarding your abilities and how you can work with his team) and in time, it escalated into a deeper and more emotional point of view. Because of this and because Risotto values other opinions and perspectives from his teammates, he seeks advice. No, he won't ask directly but he'll be more attentive when the others talk about you. However, the only one who Risotto might ask for an opinion is Prosciutto because he shares some morals and principles with him. Surprisingly, Prosciutto will put his rational arguments aside a little bit because more than the respect and admiration he holds for Risotto, he wants him to experience this sort of happiness.

- Risotto will not know how to react when receiving your affection, at first. There are many thoughts and morals that don't let him receive affection right. Many of those thoughts are regarding his line of work. He has made peace with the fact that he's not a good man, that he doesn't deserve good things. He's okay with it now, he did what he had to do.

- His preferred love language is acts of service. He's used to doing things for others (but even so he doesn't see how selfless he is) so acts of service are his way to show his feelings. He would do anything for his close ones so for you, his loved one, he would die for you, kill for you, protect you, anything, you name it. Plus, Risotto is always very observant and because his interest is your well-being, he pays extra attention to your needs. About receiving, it can be anything. Again, he doesn't see himself worthy of love.

- He rarely smiles so when you finally catch a glimpse of this rare occasion and compliment him, Risotto is lost. Any sort of comment like this will have him feel things he never felt before, in a good way. As a result, he starts smiling softly more at you in privacy.

- If you get severely injured on a mission, he still keeps his composure in your presence while helping you, patching you up, and even trying to heal you with Metallica. He's serious while doing it but it will be the only time in which his hands start trembling. After helping you, while you rest, he's still there watching over you fully neglecting his need for rest. As you sleep and he looks at your injuries, that's when his composure breaks. The guilt he's feeling is heavy in his heart, thinking how this way of life is not what you deserve and it's his fault.

- He's capable of many things, he's also a strategist but that doesn't mean that he doesn't have moments in which it all gets too much to process. That's where you come to the rescue. He doesn't want to pass his difficulties to you so it will take a lot for him to let himself tell you what's wrong.

- Secrecy and subtility are a must. But he'll get you (he'll make it), a dainty and thin silver bracelet with a charm that resembles some sort of blade. Whenever he's thinking of you and wants to let you know it, you'll feel that bracelet move a bit from his magnetism, as a reminder.

- As subtle as he thought he was, in time, every member of La Squadra will know what his feelings are towards you. Melone was the first to notice the way Risotto looked at you. Since his discovery, Melone couldn't keep it for himself and since then, they all started behaving suspiciously. They smirk every time you talk to Risotto about missions and other formal details, they try to let the two of you alone more, and so on.

NSFW

- Contrary to popular belief, he's not rough (not every time at least) or freaky behind closed doors. His usual and favorite approach is slow and deep. He likes to take his time with it as he sees sex as not just a way to get pleasure but a moment of deepening the connection you have already.

- He never wants to use sex as an outlet for his pent-up frustrations and stress but if you give him the green light, he might give into it when things get too much to bear. But he still holds back a little bit, worried about how rough he can easily get. If you're into this rough approach as well and it's noticeable, he'll feel less guilty but still careful.

- He can go on with the foreplay for hours. Risotto likes to feel the tension build. Enjoying the reactions and the growing desire gives him the most pleasure, more than the act itself. Because of this, he might sometimes slip into trying orgasm denial with you.

- At first, he doesn't see the point of experimenting with kinks because he's so touch-starved. He only needs you. However, gradually he will start asking you for consent about some ideas he has. Watch out for your hands. If you get them close to the metal bars of the bed, your wrists will get caught in metal bindings in the blink of an eye.

- Quiet in the beginning but soon you'll see him losing his composure and start grunting and growling close to your ear as he buries his face in the crook of your neck. Not only that but you'll hear sweet words of affirmation, unheard before as he gets lost in the feeling of you.

- Aftercare is obligatory. It always gets intense, sometimes even rough, and he's aware of his size too so calming you down and taking care of you is both a way of showing his gratitude and also a duty (don't get this one wrong, he sees the act of aftercare as important as the rest of his duties, that's it). The aftercare always ends with him holding your hand and kissing it as another silent expression of his gratefulness and adoration for you. It's his unbreakable habit.

- He has to admit, he likes to mark you. Not in a possessive way, that's why those marks will only be on parts that are not usually visible. But because he loves the image and concept of your skin reacting to his affection. You can leave marks on him as long as they're not visible, again, it's about secrecy and subtility. He might feel a bit proud, just a bit, when he looks in the mirror at the scratches you left on his back.

- Doesn't get bored of being on top. After all of that slow burn and build-up of your deep connection, of course, he wants to look into your eyes when you both let yourselves be engulfed in the pleasure. Might even get a little mischievous with it when he's in a good mood. "If you look away, I'll stop."

The only situations in which you are the one on top are when you simply ask for it or when you tell him you want to help him relax. Hearing those words coming from you while you start touching him with care and warmth is going to be the death of him.

- Not a fan of quickies. He needs the whole thing. As mentioned before, he needs to feel the tension built and loves taking his time with it. But also, above all, he wants to treat you right so a quickie will never be enough for this.

[dicentsalve]

Hmm.. I'm very interested in your ideas / headcanons for La squadra, if you don't mind sharing

Ooooh, you woke up the wrong beast, bb

● Sorbet and Gelato.

Sorbet, being a priest at the prison, meets Gelato, who later goes to his church as a "correction".

This is not a story about how a bad boy spoiled a nice one, they are both crazy bitches, just in different conditions.

This is all until the moment when they are both thrown out of civilized society.

Gelato often tells some strange, disgusting or funny stories from missions or prison (He especially likes to tell them to Pesci).

Sorbet finds a common language with people quite easily, not conflicting (at least outwardly).

Sorbet's Stand - The Informers.

It's a multitude of bright blue dragonflies that penetrate into electrical and Internet networks, searching for the desired information

If the information isn't complete, then the stand collects all the pieces that resemble the answer to the request.

Gelato's Stand - Disturbed

A stand that signals the owner in the event of an impending danger and from which side it is approaching

If the threat is not eliminated, then the signal will continue to come with increasing frequency, increasing depending on the threat to life.

● Formaggio

Has a terrarium with spiders.

Every member of the team knows when a football match is taking place (not by choice).

Often watches matches with Prosciutto and Sorbet.

Sometimes plays with an ordered target (like children tearing off spiders' legs or drowning butterflies)

Secretly uses Illuso shampoos.

● Illuso

He is more sarcastic in Risotto's presence, much less in his absence due to the desire to present himself as better than others in his eyes.

It is quite possible that Risotto himself unintentionally contributed to this.

He knows that Formaggio uses his shampoos (he will strangle him on New Year's Eve)

● Prosciutto

He likes older women, especially if they have money, status and connections (hence the very expensive clothes).

He is a Neapolitan, which is both audible and visible.

He often clashes and picks on Ghiaccio because the White Album cancels the ability of Grateful Dead.

He often keeps Risotto company on lonely sleepless nights over a glass of martini and whiskey. Mostly, these are just silent get-togethers, so that he doesn't get lonely.

He is often the one who gets it from Risotto for the mistakes and failures of other team members, especially the younger ones.

He gets angry when Gelato scares Pesci with stories, but doesn't have the balls to say anything back to him.

● Pesci

He's a Tuscan and often uses the Tuscan dialect, especially in stressful situations, and also starts to mumble and stutter, which irritates Prosciutto, who doesn't always understand him exactly or at all.

He runs in the mornings to the embankment, sometimes together with Ghiaccio.

● Melone

Have known Ghiaccio since childhood.

He is quite calm without external triggers, just like Ghiaccio, so they easily found a common language.

Melone passed Polpo's test without waking up Black Sabbat, has had a Stand since birth, which partly helped him.

Unhealthy frequent contact with women in childhood instilled a more consumerist and insignificant attitude towards them in adulthood, which was additionally influenced by the Stand, the capabilities of which he actively explored without moral and physical restrictions.

Passion for neat, well-groomed legs, especially with heels, is due to the perception of innocence, inaccessibility and defenselessness, which is especially attractive for creating a junior.

Sleeps naked, because it is more cozy and comfortable.

Blindness in one eye was a big problem at first because of the blind spot it opened up, but he learned to pay more attention to it (He sometimes crashes into someone/something on sharp turns). He was able to get a higher education thanks to his brother's connections (or rather, the opportunity to get)

● Ghiaccio

After receiving the stand, he was a huge pain in the ass for everyone when he was just learning it.

Has a low body temperature.

Only Risotto and, a little less often, Melone can shut him up.

Sometimes he sleeps poorly, so he comes either to Melone (he regrets his life choices) or to Risotto.

Makes everyone who dared not only to drive it, but to touch anything in it, dry clean his sweet Miata.

● Risotto

He hates tea and mineral water.

Sometimes he makes fun of Formaggio (like stealing a fork while he's turned away or tripping him up a bit).

Melone and Ghiaccio - his right and left hands.

He knows many grannys well, whom he met at the cemetery and who always look forward to his return to Sicily.

His father was a member of the Sicilian Mafia.

[thus-wrote-mrs-zeppeli]

“I really hate when you do that”

Various Golden Wind antagonists x reader and their habits you don’t like

Headcanons style

Content, plz read: MEAN and aggressive behavior, toxic behaviors, creepy behaviors (I mean Melone is here he’s kinda a warning in his own right), slightly suggestive

Characters: all of La Squadra (no Sorbet and Gelato), Squalo+Tiziano (they’re a couple+reader), Diavolo/Doppio

-Formaggio: Besides the blatant animal abuse, he also does that really obnoxious thing where he eats whipped cream right out of the can. Staring at him with horror or disgust will not dissuade him, might even encourage him honestly. He likes doing stuff just to get a reaction out of you, which is Another problem. Sometimes he’ll shrink your furniture just to mess with you. And he totally shrinks you too, but only a bit, and only when he thinks it’s funny, such as when you’re trying to reach something on a high up shelf. Jerk.

-Illuso: He’ll just invite himself into your apartment whenever he wants. You’ll get home, and hear your shower running, and unfortunately he’s done this enough times you don’t bother with freaking out or rushing him to get out of your shower or begging him to not use all your shampoo this time. You just go in there while he’s showering and flush the toilet so the shower water gets really hot for a minute. He has SOME NERVE getting mad at you for that. Doesn’t he have his OWN shower somewhere?? But Nooooo it’s More Romantic and intimate or something to use yours, and the bastard even uses your towel-

You curse that he is a professional assassin…no matter how thoroughly you locked the doors, Illuso would find a way in, and make himself right at home.

-Prosciutto: He never learns how to speak nicely to you, smh. Sure he’s not as horribly harsh as when you were just acquaintances, but he’s still very. Mean. It’s just how he is…you gotta wonder if he even hears himself sometimes. Whether it be mean names, bossing you around, or just generally talking harshly to you he is Always so MEAN in a way that definitely goes past “tough love”. And he gets very dismissive if you try to say anything, but at least he can tell when he goes too far and severely hurts your feelings, and he’ll Try to tone it down just a bit for the sake of his marriage. Getting an apology out of him is nigh impossible but at least he’s not bullying you over nothing constantly anymore.

-Pesci: He’s honestly not that bad, but you really wish he was a bit more confident in himself and a bit less attached to his big brother. Like, he’s hard to plan stuff with, because he often has plans with Prosciutto…oh but…you can come along too, his big brother probably won’t mind…

You really don’t want to hang out with both of them though. Just Pesci. And you honestly don’t really like Prosciutto, suspecting his smothering type of “tough love” is much more of a burden for Pesci than a help. But you have literally no idea how to approach that conversation without sounding like the bad guy. No matter how you cut it, at this point in your relationship, Pesci is much more likely to listen to Prosciutto’s logic than yours, much to your irritation.

-Melone: WHERE TO START. He says everything that comes to mind when he’s around you. Every. Thing. He does not hold back, licking his lips, ALWAYS in your personal space while he makes weird comments about you. You swear if he could he’d just fuse himself to you so he could always be physically close to you. He practically crawls into your lap when he gets the opportunity to sit close to you, and he takes asking him to back up or give you space as a joke until you’ve been pushed far enough to consider smacking him away. And he is very, very obsessive, remembering every detail about you in a creepy way. And also one time early in your relationship before you had Ever even started discussing sharing a bed with him you woke up to him just IN YOUR BED WITH YOU?! And he was genuinely confused when you yelled at him and kicked him out of your bedroom. He’s your boyfriend, right??? Why are you chasing him out???? It’s romantic and normal for couples to share a bed right??? What does it matter if you’ve only been on 1.5 dates??

You had Nero talk with him about leaving you alone at night until when you were ready to proceed to that point with him. He really doesn’t understand but at least he doesn’t argue with his boss.

Oh and he totally steals your recently worn clothes. It’s “romantic” to put them under his pillow at night, smh.

-Ghiaccio: If you didn’t know he had a temper when you started dating him, I’m afraid that’s on you at this point lol. He gets angry SO easily over EVERYTHING, and YEAH you are not immune to his rage just because you’re his sweetheart. He doesn’t put his hands on you when he gets into his awful moods (he’s got enough sense to know that would end Extremely badly for everyone involved) but everything else around you is fair game. Expect him to trash his or your apartment when he’s in one of his (frequent) foul moods, flipping and throwing furniture, punching holes in the walls, purposefully breaking anything he can get his hands on…most of your arguments aren’t even about his temper directly, more often about the amount of money he’s costing both of you with his outbursts.

And the YELLING. He talks so fast and so loud and expects you to hear every word…a man who goes into frequent rants…you love him a lot but sometimes he talks way too much. And eventually you get somewhat used to it but…Ghiaccio even rants and twitches in his sleep (he has got to be one of THE most unpleasant men to sleep next to oml). Snoring would be one thing, sleep talking too, but Ghiaccio sleep yells at some invisible offender. Never in your life had you considered smothering him with a pillow until you hear him yelling full freaking sentences for five straight minutes in his sleep.

-Risotto Nero: He is SO stoic, no matter how he Feels about something he’s barely going to show any sort of reaction at all. You absolutely cannot surprise this man or make him smile no matter what you do. The worst part is he picks up on your frustrations that he doesn’t really emote or laugh or anything like that, so he’ll fake reactions, but he’s Not a very good actor, so you totally know he’s just pretending for you. And it’s honestly kinda creepy watching him fake smile or fake laugh, like, “ew, Risotto what are you doing with your face?” He sounds like he’s…barking slowly when he tries to fake a laugh. You tell him he does Not have to do that but for some reason he feels obligated to fake such things for your sake. Honestly you find it a little bit hurtful he thinks he has to change his mannerisms for your sake, but it is admittedly a bit funny when he freaks out the rest of his team by trying to react to you.

-Squalo and Tiziano: Squalo can be SO impulsive sometimes, SO impulsive. He takes it Very personally when he thinks either you or Tiziano have been disrespected, and that means he might freak out a bit since he feels like he’s the one who has to protect the two of you, for whatever reason. You and Tiziano often have to calm him down before things Escalate. And Tiziano…he frequently explains things to you and Squalo that you really don’t need explained. And he’s almost always very levelheaded, which can make him feel a bit condescending when Squalo or you get upset but you both know he’s just trying to help when he doesn’t give in to your more fiery emotions. He won’t usually let the two of you just let it all out when you’re stressed, expect him to always give advice even when you just want to rant.

-Diavolo/Doppio: The paranoia drives you Insane. Diavolo is a very smothering partner, always hovering around you, keeping those poisonous green eyes on you, watching for any sign of betrayal or malicious intent from you…any hint that you’re scheming something, any excuse to cut you down and finally reach that perfect anonymity. But as long as he enjoys your companionship, without any real motivation he won’t kill you. And Doppio is frustrating to deal with, in charge of keeping you entertained when Diavolo was not in the mood to deal with you. If he was going to be such a loner, you didn’t see the point of him practically handcuffing you to him. Most often you only had Doppio for company. He was sweet but even with his understanding of the situation, he wasn’t quite sure how to handle it. How far was he supposed to go to keep you happy? The Boss said to just buy you whatever you asked for, and give in to all your demands but…eventually you were gonna get experimental with what you would ask for, right? It’s very annoying that every time you ask for anything, he gets a call from Diavolo telling him if it’s okay or not to comply with what you wish for. If it’s not okay, you’re certain to get into an unpleasant argument with the Boss about it when he’s finally ready to appear in front of you again. Sometimes he’ll disappear behind Doppio for weeks or even months, but you know he’s always watching and listening. You really wish he’d put some effort to being a little less elusive with you, given that you were the only person actually allowed to look at him.

[soupbabe]

Can I request la squadra with a reader with a biting problem? NOT in a kinky way, like they basically chew on anything they can like a dog. That pen that someone lost? Readers chewing on it. The strings on your hoodie are busted? They were chewed on by reader. THANK YOU 🙏

La Squadra x Reader with a Biting Problem Headcanons

I'm so sorry for taking so long to get to this 😅😅 been focusing on other stuff lately and been forgetting to write

Formaggio

- Oh he also has a biting problem!!

- If you had a nickel for every time you saw Formaggio get ink all over him for biting a pen too hard, you'd get two nickels

- He doesn't mind your bad habit, he thinks it's adorable!

- It's not a big deal to him, just another cute quirk you both share

- Bite him he'd bite you back <3

Illuso

- He's going to act disgusted even though you know he has the same biting habit

- You'd loan him a pencil and he'd return it with the eraser accidentally bit off

- He's in complete denial about it though. Might try to convince you that you did it.

- He's a terrible liar and stubborn so it's useless trying to argue about it

- Tease him and he'd get so pouty about it, crossing his arms and rolling his eyes at you

Prosciutto

- Okay yeah I think he's the only one who doesn't share anything with you because he fears you chewing on his stuff

- And also unfortunately for you he will always be in someone's business

- He'd see you chew on the neckline of your shirt and he'd lightly scold you like "What are you, a goat? Stop it."

- I promise you he can be caring about it

- For example he cares a lot about the condition of your clothes. That's why you don't chew on it. See, he's helpful.

Pesci

- He's a chronic biter too, but he does it out of nerves!

- Constantly asks if you're okay when he sees you fidgeting and biting something

- Sure he knows you just do it when you're bored, but this man is always stressed and worries that you might be getting anxious over something too

- Pesci has a bad habit of biting his nails, thinking about you both reminding each other to break the habit!

- Pesci is just super supportive, having someone like him to help him to stop biting is a major relief

Melone

- Melone doesn't care for the most part, he just asks you to refrain from chewing around his juniors

- He doesn't like to think about the chaos that'd bring if Babyface decided to eat anything and everything they see because they wanted to copy your behavior

- But Melone is ever the teasing type, he sees you chewing on a pen or him, and he's always going to make it something more than it actually is

- Like he's the kind of guy to ask for one of your chewed up pencils just bite and lick at it, all while maintaining eye contact.

- All in the efforts to fluster, make you mad, etc. Everything you do is amusing to him

Ghiaccio

- Reader you are so lucky he likes you because it's one of his major pet peeves

- Ghiaccio doesn't like it, you will get certain privileges revoked because you chew on his things

- Things you're banned from: His pens, pencils, hoodies, erasers, literally anything in his room

- But also it irritates him that he's picked up your biting habit

- It's when he's in deep thought and working, he'll occasionally chew on a pen or bite through the wires on his headphones

Risotto

- I think he tries to mind his business about it, he doesn't outwardly say his thoughts on the biting problem, but it's telling that you have never even held one of his pens

- Risotto doesn't think it's gross, he just likes to have things without bite marks, y'know?

- Literally he only cares if it's his own stuff getting bit, with everything else he believes you and the others can talk it out

- If you're even closer to him, he may find it endearing.

- It's like seeing someone focussing with their tongue poking out, it's just a weirdly cute quirk of yours

[oddverse]

Finally home from work this is how I make them extra terrible so i can feel better about myself

I need cracked out la squadra headcanons, they are the mafia I need them to love coke and hookers

[chronicallyonline101]

How do you think la squadra would react to having a member similar to trish? Like a rich teen girl with an attitude problem?

OUUUUGGHHHHH THIS IS REALLY INTERESTING TO THINK ABOUT BECAUSE Trish was EXTREMELY lucky to have Bruno assigned as her caretaker. He didn't see her as a rich, spoilt brat, he saw her as what she was; a traumatised teenage girl that had been thrown into a situation WAY out of her depth, so while some members of his team treated her a bit harshly, they were kind to her because Bruno helped them understand her situation, and it was with his support that she was able to fully come into her own and grow confident with herself! I'm not sure if someone with a similar personality and upbringing would be treated the same way if they joined La Squadra... they may not be as understanding as Bruno was, and so, she wouldn't find herself in the same way Trish did!

BUT. THAT DOESNT MEAN SHE WOULDNT FIND HERSELF AT ALL - La Squadra aren't evil, they wouldn't just hate her. And I think this is a very interesting to explore SO more under the cut!

Platonic La Squadra Di Execuzioni + Rich Teen Girl with an attitude problem.

I think the first issue the team would have with her is NOT her attitude problem, but the fact that she is a teenager. A child should not be doing the things that they do; it's dangerous, it's traumatising, it's cruel to put someone so young through a situation like that. I think that members like Risotto, Pesci, Prosciutto, Formaggio and Melone would sympathise with her the most in this regard - especially Formaggio, Prosciutto and Melone, as I headcanon them as having joined Passione when they were rather young. It upsets them that Passione targets young, vulnerable individuals and it pisses them off to see another teenager going down the same route.

They probably go rather easy on her in this regard. She would go on less missions than them, and when she does go on a mission, she is accompanied by someone and that person is expected to carry the whole mission - which, when your a spoilt teen, you wouldn't really complain about.

One thing that should be made clear though, despite how much they sympathise with her that La Squadra would NOT take kindly to her spoilt behaviour; they are a team with very little to their name and most of them have never experienced the luxury and privilege that she would of had growing up. Illuso and Sorbet get along with her in this regard however; they'd use her bratty nature and the sympathy the others feel for her as a way to get what they want - "She said she wanted this shampoo, didn't you hear?" , "Get the expensive water, it tastes better, think of how upset her parents would be if they found out we were letting her taste poverty." , "She's going to cry, Prosciutto! Let her get what she wants!"

They aren't a good influence on her at all, because unlike Trish, who in the face of a dire situation learnt to get over her spoilt tendencies, this girl is getting rewarded for her attitude. Crying and lashing out has Prosciutto caving because he has too much of a headache to deal with that, yelling will have Risotto adhering because he hates loud noises, being mean and picking on people brings forth laughter from Formaggio, Illuso, Sorbet and Gelato and so she'll just get worse and worse - so, unlike Trish who got kinder and more confident as the series went on, this girl, in addition to getting more confident, gets meaner and ruder.

THIS, HOWEVER, IS HOW I THINK SHE WOULD COME INTO HER OWN. Trish developed Spice Girl because she needed to protect Giorno's Ladybug - the situation on her team was dire, if that Ladybug was destroyed then Golden Experience would become useless, which meant that Narancia and Mista couldn't be healed and the three of them would be out of commission permanently. She needed something to protect the people she cared for, and that is how her stand awakened. I think it would be the same for this girl, because even if they get frustrated over her behaviour, I think a genuine bond could form between them and so, when on a mission where she's left alone because the enemy has actually managed to take out whomever was taking care of her that day, I think she would establish herself as a competent hitman with her stand. And her selfless actions would show the team that she actually cares for them, as bratty as she can get, and it would solidify the familial dynamic that the group has for her.

ANYWAYS thats all my yapping... i hope this is similar to what you wanted!!! if not just send another and i'll try again!

[princelylove]

Dear prince,

I have come again because I cannot ignore your callings any further. (I'm the anon that requested the jotaro hcs and prosciutto with model darling) sorry they were a bit tame, I have so much I wanna ask but don't. Partly because I get so nervous and giddy while thinking of sending them and partly because I forget to.

Anyways, I've been thinking of sending you an ask about the more doting yanderes e.g. Bruno, Jonathan and whoever else comes into your mind with a little 'miss independent' darling. They get so offended and pouty when their captor tries to help them or do something for them, thinking it's an act of underestimation and thinking they aren't capable enough and have to be babied. (How will the yanderes handle this? Maybe even a bit of brat taming?)

– 💝🪤 darling

There's no need to be shy about it. I'm fairly happy to humor requests, even if they're on the tame side. I do wish I'd receive some odd ones, though. Variety is fun.

Wellll. Do you like to be restrained? Because this is like begging to be given less and less privileges, assuming their darling is already safe and sound in their 'home.'

Bruno loves you a lot. He wishes he understood what he's doing wrong- spouses are supposed to relax when their man is home!

He gets fairly frustrated early on. It's agitating, if he's being honest. Bruno doesn't know how to punish this kind of behavior- his instinct is to bend you over his knee and make you count how many times he spanks you, but that's probably just going to give him more problems long term. You won't relax in front of him if he's hit you before, and the goal is to make you want to roll on your back for him...

Maybe he can't hit you, but he can scold you. Bruno exists to help you, please just let him handle the dangerous things, even if it's just cutting up some fruit. Knives aren't a joke!

He goes through a few stages before he lands on proper scolding. First, he tries to bribe you. Then, he tries to reason with you.

"Come on, amore. This is for your own good. What can I do to help you through this?"

Since neither of those work, it seems he has no other option than to chide you.

Jotaro wishes you would just shut up and behave. You're such a pain in the ass sometimes, you know that? He regrets how he handled taking you home. Maybe if he were nicer, you wouldn't behave like a spoiled brat that acts out for his attention.

Yeah, he's fully convinced it's an attention thing. You're just fucking with him. Obviously you're pouty and whiny because he's been busy lately, so... sorry. He'll be around more, ok? No need for all of this whining and screaming and crying shit, it's annoying as hell.

Yeah, sure, you can take care of yourself. He's not doing that. He's checking you. You're not a baby, sure, he never said you were. Can you just lift your shirt up already? He needs to check for bruises again.

You can expect any verbal resistance to be met with.... verbal resistance. Jotaro is unsurprisingly quick witted, and can be pushed a little before he starts to find it annoying. He'd prefer you to be docile and happy about it, but Jotaro can see a little back and forth as fun. Maybe. It depends.

When you really piss him off and aren't cooperating in the slightest, he's less fun about it. His ability to stop time comes in handy when his favorite brat thinks they can get away with not humoring his paranoia checks. If you're not going to play nice, Jotaro will just violate any sense of privacy you were clinging to before this. Fine, ok. Make him be the asshole because you don't want to do something simple like let him see your arms or stomach.

He offers no comfort afterwards, because he didn't do anything wrong. Maybe if you listened to him, you'd understand. The house rules aren't up for debate.

... Yes, he still wants to sleep with you tonight and to tuck you in nicely. That isn't up for debate either.

[gatitties]

Warm

─La squadra di esecuzioni x teen!fem!reader (platonic)

─Summary: You have a big mouth and your stand is not your best ally to hide your emotions, at least you know how to handle it

─Warnings: blood

Part One / Part Two / Part Three / Part Five

Mornings used to be quiet in the assassins' house, with only four people awake at the beginning of the day, Risotto didn't make a single sound, Illuso and Ghiaccio didn't come out of their room until mid-morning and Prosciutto wasn't a loudmouth, it was a little bit of quiet until the loudmouths got up, but today, that quiet was being annoying, without knowing it, they were being irritated by any little thing, with a permanent frown on their faces ─if it's not there normally─, the only reason for this, you, your annoyance was affecting everyone without you knowing it, but you were really in a bad mood.

"Ugh, why the hell won't it get better? Did someone curse me? Fuck, fuck, fuck, this only means that the day is going to get worse."

You wandered off looking at yourself in the small mirror, you had strangely woken up early, unable to fall asleep again, you forced yourself to do some morning exercise to keep in shape, a light shower, some training with your rat… but now that your hair was dry ─much shinier and silkier since you followed Prosciutto’s advice─, you were trying to comb it, however one damn hair was still unruly and restless, you had tried using Pros’s setting gel, but it didn’t work, not even Ghiaccio’s hairspray to keep the curls intact seemed to do anything against the unruly hair, and you were getting so desperate that you almost hit your head with the comb, if it weren’t for Illuso appearing in the mirror stopping you.

"Okay, that’s it, you’re getting on my nerves because of your stand, you should learn to control it better."

"I'm sorry, but please help me or I'll go crazy and drag you all into madness."

You let yourself be dragged into his room, he was trying to comb his pigtails himself, strangely he was unable to comb your hair as you normally did, causing the desperation to increase in the house, a not very happy Ghiaccio interrupted the dark-haired boy's room to try to do something himself or he was going to start biting the furniture out of the accumulated rage, he couldn't, he couldn't against your hair, everyone went to Prosciutto, who was trying to get rid of the bad feeling by smoking like a locomotive in the kitchen window, he couldn't solve your problem either.

"How is it possible that you don't know how to comb unruly hair!? You two are always so well combed like prissy whores, it's ridiculous!"

"God, shut up," the blond let go of your hair, completely tangled now, rubbing his temples, feeling the headache starting to form in the front "it's not the same to comb your own hair than to comb someone else's."

Risotto, Pesci and Melone were ruled out, probably they didn't even comb their hair that much, leaving only Formaggio… Prosciutto recommended you to wash your hair again while Ghiaccio was prepared to cut your stupid hair with the kitchen scissors right there.

"You're all such idiots, leave this to me!"

To everyone's surprise Formaggio had woken up from all the noise, no one believed he could actually fix the problem when he didn't even need to comb his hair, but no one objected anything, whatever it took to let that feeling leave their minds. You took him to your room, giving him your things so he could comb your hair, he gave a few rough tugs to your locks, but he was quite effective at doing his job, simple, neat and pretty, your usual hairstyle was back to normal, without that stupid hair bothering you, your mood lightened, all irritation and desperation vanished from the house.

"Wow, I would never think a bald guy would be the best at combing unruly hair."

"I'm not bald, it's shaved" he finished giving you one last look to make sure everything was okay, nodding to himself at seeing his good work  "and I'm good from experience."

"Did you have long hair before? Like longer than Melone? Let me guess! Before you were assassin you were a hairdresser, you had an accident with someone from Passione, you accidentally cut off their ear and boom! They made you do their dirty work for them because of the lack of respect."

"You are horrible at guessing things," his laughter filled your room, sitting on your bed, he looked out the window longingly, "I come from a big family, with lots of sisters, I had to take care of them many times."

"Ah… You haven’t cut off anyone’s ear then?"

"Yes, a couple of times, but that’s not why I ended up here," his expression soured at thoughts of the past, you quickly noticed how his emotions changed abruptly, you had already caused a lot of trouble this morning, you didn’t want Formaggio to feel bad remembering something "I-"

"It’s okay! We don’t need to remember things that make us feel bad, think of something nice, warm, comforting! Like for example… Ummh… Your cat! How long has she been with you?"

"It was actually a gift from one of my older sisters-"

"I'm sorry, I should tape my mouth shut or never speak for the rest of my life or sew it up, industrial glue? Doesn't sound bad."

Formaggio rolled his eyes as he heard you mutter stupid things, followed by the occasional apology for touching on a subject that might be sensitive for him, although it wasn't something he liked to remember, it was his story and he couldn't erase it or redo it, it wasn't your fault for not knowing, you even tried to make him feel better about something that can't be controlled, fate is very capricious.

"Shut up already, you don't need to apologize, just go out there and show that I'm the best of all, since no one has been able to comb your hair."

"Yeah, of course, you're the best Maggio!"

You both left your room, with long strides you reached the living room where everyone was sitting, each one doing their things, you announced yourself strutting in front of everyone, being ignored by most, but proud to be back to your normal state, tranquility reigned again in the morning after the little chaos. Nothing really interesting happened during the day, nothing besides Risotto sending you a mission in a couple of days, it didn't cause too much nervousness in you for your stand to affect as much as this morning, but although you had already done several missions before, you always had that slight uncertainty of whether you could successfully complete the objective.

You used the old procrastination trick so you wouldn't feel that pressure, you cleaned a few more parts of the house that were screaming for a much deeper cleaning and did a few more chores, keeping your mind busy with other things always lightened your mood, if you could you would like to be able to go blank, but your mind was a train running twenty-four hours a day, the word overthink and you go hand in hand like best friends.

"Hey, come on, I don't have all day."

Formaggio tapped your shoulder, pulling you out of your daydream, you nodded, asking for a minute to go to the bathroom before leaving, you said goodbye to everyone in the living room, following the man who was already waiting in his rickety van, the car had seen better days, but that, and Ghiaccio's car were the only available means of transportation the group had, that, or public transport.

"I didn't know you were coming on the mission with me, Risotto didn't tell me anything."

"I'm not going, I have another mission, but both places are close, so I'm doing you the favor of bringing you over."

"Well, aren't you great? Thanks Maggio!"

"Tch, tch, you don't have to tell me, I know" his hands gripped the steering wheel tighter, making a small turn more abrupt than necessary, he frowned when he saw how a car without priority was making his way difficult "Move asshole!"

The horn sounded like a turtle making love with a hoarse voice, your face got dangerously close to the dashboard due to the sudden braking, if it weren't for the seat belt you would have had a sore nose all day, god bless cars safety, Formaggio accelerated making the engine roar while showing the middle finger to the driver who had made him stop, the lady who was driving made angry gestures in turn, shouting things that you didn't hear.

"People drive terribly, do they think the street is only for them?"

His words left you thinking for a moment, everyone in the group was of legal age, you didn't know exactly if they all had a legal driving license, but you did know that they all knew how to drive, which led you to think that maybe, although not legally, you should learn basic notions about automobiles, you could get into trouble and need to drive.

"Maggio, do you think you could teach me how to drive?" He glanced at you, focusing on the road to make a lane change "You know, what happens if something happens and neither of you can use a car? I don't know anything about driving, I'd like to know the basics to get out of a tight spot."

The speed of the van was slowly decreasing, he made a small turn to a dead end, he put on the handbrake, looking through the rearview mirror to check that no one was passing by, he turned to face you with a crooked smile.

"I'll think about it, now get to work, when you finish come back to this alley, I'll pick you up, don't take too long, if I finish quickly I won't wait for you, understood?"

"Aye, aye, my captain, everything clear as crystal!"

You made a stupid pirate salute without any context, jumping out of the vehicle quickly, you waved effusively once he reversed, leaving for his own destination, taking a more focused attitude, you looked at the street name plate, looking for the exact address you had been sent to. You were in a bad neighborhood, similar to the neighborhood you live in now, there wasn't a single soul walking down the street, besides a few children who hid when they saw you, you didn't pay attention to them once you reached the door of your destination, the white wood was worn, one of the windows was broken and there was grass growing up the wall a few inches, whoever it was, they had neglected their home a lot, so much so that you doubted the veracity of the information they had given you. A woman had betrayed Polpo's trust, and according to what it says in the document, she doesn't leave the house unless it's really important.

You felt your waist, feeling that the gun was still there and hadn't escaped, with a shaky sigh, you knocked on the door, you waited, you waited... impatience hit you too quickly, you didn't know if she had received threats that she was already being hunted, so you decided to just open it yourself, the broken window was perfect to put your arm through and open the door on your own, with a soft creak, you entered taking careful steps.

The house was gloomy, messy, as if a storm had destroyed everything, the furniture was broken or scattered on the floor, plates, glasses, pictures… everything completely shattered against the wooden floor, a hysterical voice pulled you out of your thoughts, the shrill screams came from the living room to the right, it seemed like the woman was losing her temper having a hysterical attack, you almost felt bad seeing how her face was stained with tears, she had clumps of hair torn out and she was hitting her head, she was the one who caused all this mess in her own house. You almost didn't manage to dodge the flowerpot she threw at you, too focused on her disastrous appearance.

"Are you a murderer? Aren't you? They're coming for me! I'm going to die! That's it… my life thrown down the drain for… for… AGH, I HATE YOU, YOU AND THAT CRAPPY ORGANIZATION! DIE! DIE!"

She pointed at you as if you were the cause of all her problems, feeling a little offended by her accusation, she lunged at you determinedly, you staggered to the side making her trip over her own feet, falling face first onto the ground, though she grabbed your leg pushing you to the ground, she quickly climbed on top of you, placing her hands on your neck squeezing, you hit her chest hard making her step back with a grunt, you rolled on the ground dodging her second attack, sticking some broken porcelain pieces that were scattered around in your arms and legs, you didn't let the pain register on you and continued with the little fight.

Blows went back and forth between the two of you, neither of you being too experienced in physical fights, somehow the woman was good enough to stop you from bringing out your gun, but you decided it was time to stop playing when her stand showed itself.

"What…?" you were amazed to see how a bubble formed inside your skin, it burst with a small sound making you moan in pain, blood splashed on the place and your face "Ouch!"

"I got you!" although the attack was planned to repeat itself, it was not directed at you but at the wall that was next to you, some splinters flew out from the bursting of the bubble "shit, I still can't control this fucking power well, just wait! I'll make you explode and suffer like they did to me!"

"Don't make me responsible for your bad decisions!"

You gritted your teeth as you felt another bubble against your skin burst, it stung a lot, it cost you a few more wounds but you ended up hitting the back of her neck, making her dizzy enough for her to stay still, you took out the gun, taking off the safety, still half unconscious, the woman managed to speak between murmurs, which distracted you enough.

"I'm not going to let... a rat like you kill me... I prefer... I prefer this."

A shiver ran through your body, blood splattered everywhere, staining the walls, ceiling and floor, of course, you too, completely covered in blood you almost vomited, but you held it back, silently looking at the gun you held in your hand.

"I could have made it less painful" you tried to wipe your face with your hands, but you only spread more of the red liquid that began to oxidize and turn darker, ruining your outfit completely, you would have to go around the store again to buy that stain remover "Well, whatever, I'm done."

You grimaced as you walked, you felt sticky, dirty, would Formaggio even let you get into his car covered in blood? You were going to find out soon because you saw his van parked in the same place as before, he was probably waiting to see you and make a joke about how he had been waiting for hours ─when he had just arrived ten minutes ago─ but that since he is such a good person he had waited for you, but his jokes died on the tip of his tongue when he saw you covered in blood, with a blank look.

"Are you okay? Where is all that blood coming from? You're not hurt, right?" like a worried mother he greeted you with an avalanche of questions "Wait before you get in the car, I'll put a cardboard or a bag, damn it, don't lean your back on the seat, better not touch anything."

"Yes, yes, and don't worry, the blood is not mine."

He looked at you for a second as he rummaged through the trunk, he put some plastic bags over the passenger seat and let you in, the ride back was a little quieter because you were a little upset. You didn’t like the job, you didn’t think you of all people got to choose a person’s life or death, surely they had a story behind them, friends or family who cared about those people even if they were the lowest scum in the world. You had witnessed enough deaths to desensitize yourself to the job, but you vowed to make quick and painless work for people, not wanting to know their background because you’d be too weak to pull the trigger if you knew the person. You were a little upset that the woman killed herself with her stand, you experienced it briefly luckily and it was very painful.

"Whatever you're thinking, let it go" Formaggio was going to put his hand on your shoulder to reassure you, but stopped halfway remembering that you were covered in blood "It's not worth thinking too much about it."

"Maggio, uff- can you read minds or something? In fact, you all seem to notice when I'm in a bad mood or thinking too much…"

"You're pretty simple to read, plus your stand doesn't help you. Do I remind you what happened two days ago with your hair?"

You gasped in surprise as you saw your personal action figure giggle, sitting on the man's shoulder as if they had snitch on your train of thought.

"That's treason!"

You pointed accusingly causing the man to let out a chuckle, which was quickly replaced by a frown and a small cry, your face crashed into the dashboard from the sudden braking because he almost ran a stop sign and crashed into another car, as you didn't want to get anything dirty, you didn't use your seatbelt, this time nothing saved you from the impact.

"Maybe I can ask Ghiaccio about driving lessons…"  you looked with disgust at how a dry blood mark was left right where your face had hit "ow, that hurt."

You pressed your nose, noticing the itch, the crimson liquid soon ran down your lip and chin, you made a face of disgust, not even on your worst period days was this bloody.

"Shit, I'm sorry, there's paper in there."

You opened the glove compartment, taking out a crushed roll of paper, you grabbed some to press it against your nose and stop the bleeding, hopefully, the rest of the trip passed without further incident. Pesci almost fainted at the sight of you covered in blood from head to toe, quickly looking for Melone to check that you weren't really seriously injured, Prosciutto forbade you to set foot in the house when you were so dirty, made you put on gloves and bags in your shoes, sending you straight to the shower. The tension you didn't know you had been accumulating in your shoulders vanished with the water dyed by the shower siphon, feeling much better, hunger hit you, deciding to bother the idiot on duty who had to make dinner, but since it was Pesci, you simply helped him finish whatever he had in hand.

"I would like to be as confident as you on missions, I always have to go out with Prosciutto."

You tilted your head in confusion at the fisherman's words, squinting your eyes, Pesci had always underestimated himself, of course, he was one of the most insecure, and his brother was sometimes too harsh with his words, despite not doing it in bad faith, you felt everything that made poor Pesci feel bad, that's why you made sure to give him an extra dose of kindness, he was, without a doubt, the easiest to hurt emotionally. You weren't very different from him, your own stand was related to people's feelings and sensations, it wasn't your determination, but the ability to not let yourself think about what you were really doing.

"Pfft- I'm not confident, I just don't think about what I do and let things happen, like stimuli? If they don't hit me I pull the trigger, if they hit me, I hit and pull the trigger, you know? It's simple"

"I still can't find that much determination… I think Prosciutto will never be proud of me."

You hit his shoulder, almost making the pan he was holding fall to the floor due to your unexpected action, glancing at him for a moment, returning to cut the vegetable again or you would cut a finger.

"You don't need anyone's approval, but I'm sure he's already proud of you, not everyone can say they're a murderer!" you mentally hit yourself, maybe they weren't here by choice, like almost everyone in the group, your big mouth again, before he could answer you changed the subject "but, yeah... aaaaanyway why don't you talk to me about fishing? You seem to like it a lot."

"Oh yes, I lived near the coast…"

You sighed in relief as his nervousness subsided to a slight satisfaction about the direction of the conversation, saving the day once again, you found yourself enjoying a chat about the different marine species off the coast of Naples.

BONUS!

"This is simple, three pedals, five gears not counting the reverse gear" Formaggio told you, sitting in the passenger seat "just use your left foot for the clutch, it's the pedal on the left, the middle one is the brake and the right one is the accelerator, for these two you use your right leg, avoid stepping on both pedals at the same time."

You nodded, testing the pedals under your feet, then the man briefly explained how to use the gears, first left up, second down from first, third from the center to the top, fourth the opposite, fifth right up and reverse down, good, you got it

"Now press the brake and the clutch at the same time, I'm going to release the handbrake, you have to release the clutch little by- you didn't finish listening, your foot lifted too quickly causing the car to hum until it stopped instantly  "little… turn the key again to start it and finish listening before doing anything."

"Oh, it's moving, I'm doing it!" the second time, with some bounces, you managed to get it to move forward slowly, Formaggio asked you to brake, but you hit the wrong pedal and accelerated, he pulled the handbrake before you crashed into Ghiaccio's convertible "Mmh, I don't think I've got the pedals under control yet."

"You think so? You almost signed our death sentence if that fucking miata had any scratches."

[nicherayyy]

la squadra with a child whos really quiet? like dont speak at all unless its really important

La Squadra x quiet Child Reader

You always were really quiet. In fact, it was surprising to you how loud some kids could be. Like?? Why are you yelling in the middle of the store??

You really value silence. There were days when you could sit in your room all the time without a single sound. You don't like to talk much either. You prefer to listen. And sometimes it scared the hell out of La Squadra.

Risotto tries to talk to you whenever he has a spare moment. Sometimes it's not even something important.

"What's your favourite kind of breakfast? I can cook whatever you want"

Though if he sees that you don't want to talk right now, he'll just leave you alone. He understands how tiring can be sometimes. But if you need to talk about anything, he is always here for you.

On the other hand, Prosciutto is worried about you. At first he even thought that you were too shy to talk to them. For this reason, he spent a lot of time with you.

"Look, there's nothing to be shy about. How about you tell me about your day"

But over time he saw that you simply preferred silence. So he left you be. But honestly, he's so happy when you talk to him.

Illuso finds it amusing. He had never seen a child that would remain silent bc they just want to. When you first spoke to him he was shocked.

"Wow, you can talk"

But he don't mind. He likes the silence. Although sometimes he wouldn't mind listening to your thoughts.

Formaggio's sad about it. Here he thought that he got a new buddy, and you're just.. being silent?? That's a shame. No matter how much others beg him to leave you alone, he still tries to stick to you with his stupid questions.

"What colour of cereal do you like?"

Pesci is cool with this. If you don't like to talk then just don't. Whatever makes you feel comfortable. Sometimes he likes to just sit with you in silence. But when you talk to him he feels so honoured.

"Y-yes? Do you need something? Are you okay?"

Melone don't mind your quietness. Though he wish he could talk to you more often. But he loves how attentively you listen to him.

"So I read this book yesterday-"

And when you start the conversation he's so overjoyed! Please, talk to the poor man.

Ghiaccio don't like this situation at all. He thinks you hate him and that's the reason you won't talk with him.

"Why don't you just talk? What's your problem?"

Melone had to explain him for a long time that it's just who you are and it's nothing to do with him.

[wifelinkmtg]

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WAIT, WE'RE DOING RAVNICA? DIDN'T YOU SKIP A COUPLE SETS

What are you, Azorius? I've never felt any fondness for Eldraine, and I really didn't vibe with the new Ixalan set, so we're doing the Ravnica Murder Mystery set. I'm not going to do every single set that comes out or this will be my full-time job by 2026.

Cold Case Cracker (art by Wayne Wu)

Some things are very simple. Good cheekbones and the classic trench coat with the wide belt. I particularly enjoy the way her hair looks more like strips of fabric or parchment.

Merchant of Truth (art by Carissa Susilo)

"Goth angel" works on me every time, and this piece is particularly gorgeous - the composition and that dress, my goodness. You don't see a lot of angels from behind in Magic, on account of you would have to figure out what the anatomy and clothing situation is where the wings connect to the back, and Carissa has solved the clothing problem rather elegantly, and refused to engage with the anatomy problem at all. I can respect that.

I've never quite understood what's going on with Orzhov angels - I think they're mostly supposed to be disillusioned ex-Boros, but they don't really get much of a voice in story. You've got the flavor text on Angel of Despair, "it is as if their duty is to an empty void," but that's a quote from the most Boros of all the angels. Perhaps it's simply that the Orzhov don't labor under the same illusions as the other white-aligned guilds - the Boros and the Azorius and as we see in this story, even the Selesnya are all firmly entrenched in the idea that they stand for what's Right and Good on Ravnica, but ultimately they stand only for themselves and their own power and pre-eminence. The Orzhov, at least, make no secret of this. Maybe that's a comfort, to an angel.

Experiment Twelve (art by Michele Giorgi)

Oh baby girl the Simic fucked you right up, didn't they. Claws and scales and some sort of muzzle - do you feel like an animal, now? Do you hate what they did to you, or do you glory in your new sharpness? Did you escape, or are you on their leash? Are you hunted, or am I?

Bubble Smuggler (art by Leesha Hannigan)

This is Glovax. I've only had them for a day but if anything happened to them I would kill everyone in the room and then myself.

Honestly I'm disconsolate that this isn't a real animal that exists in the world and that I'll never get to rescue one from an aquarium and have an octopus fish best friend for life. You know that soul-sick feeling you get when you remember that Anomalocaris has been extinct for 500 million years ago and that you will never be able to pet one? Yeah. Goddammit they're going to make this a pet on Arena and I will spend real earth dollars on it.

ALL THESE TENTACLES AND STILL THE BIGGEST SUCKER IS YOU. NOW MAKE WITH THE LEGENDARIES

Etrata, Deadly Fugitive (art by Livia Prima)

I have looked at a whole lot of Etrata art, and do you want to know my considered opinion? This outfit fucking rules. It's got one and a quarter sleeves, thirteen visible buckles, a circular collar that connects only at the sternum, and a clingy ankle-length skirt with a slit damn near up to the thigh to reveal more buckles. It is the least practical outfit I can imagine an assassin wearing short of an inflatable dinosaur costume but god, it looks like it's meant for deadly stealth, and I am in love. Etrata is broody and gorgeous and has a big knife and extraordinarily naked shoulders, and what else could you want?

Judith, Carnage Connoisseur (art by Jodie Muir)

A look specifically crafted to elicit "step on me mommy"s from the general public. I'm on record as saying that there's no way Judith does any sort of aftercare, so maybe have a Selesnya cleric on speed-dial if you're gonna run that risk.

Judith, Carnage Connoisseur (alternate art by Alex Dos Diaz)

I think Loxodon Hierarch is screening my calls.

Honestly, I would do stupid, stupid things for a pretty girl with red eyes, sharp nails and facial scarring. I'm not sure what kinds of things I would do for a pretty girl with gold flame decals on her arms, but based on prior evidence, they would probably also be extremely stupid.

Izoni, Center of the Web (art by Justine Cruz)

It's weird how people get locked in your memory at the point in time you knew them. You know you've changed a lot since then, and if you thought about it you'd agree other people might well also have changed, but you don't think about it, and then you run into an old friend or an ex and the things you knew them for, the things you've tied their memory to in your mind, aren't even still part of their life.

So Izoni, my beloved Izoni, Ravnica's foremost bug girl and finder of beetles, has moved on with her life in the past six years. She's into spiders now, that's her thing. She's a spider girl. And that's cool, spiders are cool, too, but the way this went in my head I was going to tell her about the mantis-riders of Tarkir and the dune-beetles of Amonkhet and the behavioral quirks of giant ants on Innistrad and now, instead, I'm not sure what to say. "You're looking well," I suppose, or something about, "so, leading the Swarm now? How's that going for you?"

Analyze the Pollen (art by Anna Christenson)

It's not even that big a change, really. Hardly noticeable. She still has that same intensity, that same curiosity. Her brows still furrow in concentration. She's still covered in crawling things, and she is still the most beautiful woman on Ravnica. Spiders or insects, what's the difference? All it means is that six years have passed. All it means is that the places and people you love continue to move in your absence. All it means is that you're both talking past each other to your echoes, to the people you used to know, who no longer exist. Time has eaten them both.

And if you, like time, get hungry, don't forget to use our affiliate code KNIFELINK at -

HEY. HELLO FLESH IS A RAKDOS JOINT, RIGHT

- in the middle of the ad read, dude?

YOU SAID HELLBENDER CHEFS DO THE CHARCUTERIE. THAT'S JUDITH'S PLACE

Yeah, what about it?

DO YOU THINK SHE'S GONNA BE GOOD WITH CONTENT SHE SPONSORED CALLING SOMEONE ELSE THE MOST BEAUTIFUL WOMAN IN RAVNICA

Ah.

OR LIKE DO YOU THINK SHE'S GENERALLY COMFORTABLE SHARING THE SPOTLIGHT

...so thank you all so much for listening to this episode of Wifelink! I'm going to lay low for a bit, and if my body turns up face-down in an undercity canal, y'all know who did it.