#prosciutto problems

[oddverse]

“Have you ever been in love?”

[shiningneedlecastle]

had the horrible realization that my thing for kisshu/quiche from tokyo mew mew (evil pale alien dude with elf ears and tied ponytail hair wielding twin blades, that fucks continually with the protagonist and goes batshit crazy at certain points) when i was in like 4th fucking grade foreshadowed my thing for marazhai from rogue trader now

[deusluxuria]

per my last email..........

(image descriptions: first is pesci and doppio badly edited onto a stock photo of two men getting married. second is a different stock photo of two wedding men with prosciutto and diavolo edited onto them)

[chika-nyan]

*lies facedown in the dirt* One more day……….. after that my long work week comes to an end and I will revive once more u_u Tentative otome day this Tuesday? We’ll see how I’m holding up after a long rest, honestly it’s 25/75 but it’s a chance nonetheless wheeze

[teaboot]

Kind of a random hill to die on rn but "You'd eat this thing you hate if you got hungry enough" does not set a reasonable expectation of what "hungry enough" means for people with food problems.

Like, are we talking "stomach grumbling" hungry enough, or "can't stand up" hungry enough? Cause personally, I can make myself eat a bit of a pork chop if I'm barfy and shaking and can't see straight anymore, but if it's down to "black out for three days and wake up angry and confused" or "willingly swallow prosciutto", I'm having sleep for dinner. And I know this from experience.

People without food problems don't seem to understand this and it drives me insane. "Hungry enough" is for shit like chewing drywall because the alternative is death or cannibalism.

If I say I can't eat something, It means I can't eat it. It Is Not Edible To Me. It's not even appetizing. It literally does not register as food. You might as well hand me a rubber duck.

And it's frustrating!! Trust me, I wish I wasn't like this, too!! This isn't a choice!! I know it can be rude!! It's embarassing!! It's complicated and annoying and irrational!! That doesn't fix the problem!!

I just wish people didn't treat this sort of thing as "being picky" or lacking willpower or basic manners or something. I can't make myself eat certain foods the way you probably couldn't cut your own fingers off. Does that make sense? It's not just food. Fuck

[shankss-magnificent-ass]

Imagine Rob Lucci trying to make up with you after an argument

Rob: [just got home from a long day at work and immediately sits down on the couch]

You: Oh, hey hon, did you just get home?

Rob: [sighs] yes

You: How was your day?

Rob: long

You: [notices he's being really kurt with you] That sucks. Since you had such a long day, would you like to pick what I cook for dinner?

Rob: Brandy.

You: [chuckles] I knew you would say that. That can be arranged, but what food would you like?

Rob: I don't care; you can make whatever you want.

You: right, how about something low-effort, like a charcuterie board?

Rob: [runs his hand over his face to try and tamp down his growing overstimulation] Fine by me.

You: hmm, I'll have to pop out to the market real quick, we're running low on cheese. I'll buy some cured meat while I'm out, probably prosciutto.

Rob: fine [gets up and tries to create some space for himself]

You: are you mad at me?

Rob: [tenses up as his temper flares, but manages to tamp it down] No. [doesn't know how to properly express his frustration and the need for space from his problems and people in general] I just... Want to be in space.

You: I might be able to help with that. Do you get drugs tested at work?

Rob: yes?

You: [ shakes your head and turns back into your seat] Then I can't help you.

Rob: [throws up his hands in frustration] Great, just leave me alone for a while.

You: Fine

Rob: [Snaps] Do you always have to have the last word?!

You: [gives him a warning look]

Rob: oh, now you have nothing to say!

You: just go into your study, before you say something both of us regret.

Rob: Don't you take that tone with me.

You: do whatever you want, Rob, I'm done with this. I'm going to the market. [Grabs your keys and wallet/purse and leaves without slamming the door]

Rob: [huffs and looks over at Hattori]

Hattori: [giving him a judgmental stare]

Rob: What are you looking at! You don't have a partner, you don't get to judge me. You single-feathered fuck.

Hattori: [shakes his head]

Two hours later

You: [comes into his study and aggressively puts a charcuterie board, and a glass of brandy down in front of him and storms out of the room without saying a word]

Rob: [realizes that he ruined your evening by being a dick and feels bad, so he gets up and follows you] I'm sorry, I took my frustrations about today out on you, and that wasn't okay.

You: [clearly still steaming mad at him]

Rob: I'll be more mindful of that in the future.

You: [deflates] Fine.

Rob: [knows you're still stewing] Why don't I draw you a bath? Hot baths pair well with charcuterie boards and wine.

You: Just a bath?

Rob: I'll put milk, honey, and oatmeal in it, so your skin is nice and soft.

You: a bath alone?

Rob: if you want.

You: I don't know

Rob: I can join you if you want? I'll even rub your shoulders.

You: and we can cuddle?

Rob: {smirks as he pulls you into his arms] yes, we can cuddle. [Kisses the top of your head]

You: Alright, you're forgiven then.

List of Up-and-coming works || Master list || Twitter| Kofi || Patreon

[lady-of-endless]

Risotto Nero romantic headcanons (sfw+nsfw)

Author's Note: Sorry for being an old-school romantic and writing headcanons like these, don't come at me. I wanted to take my time with Risotto as he is so complex. I really hope that those are not too far-fetched. I hope you'll enjoy it! The lovely gif is not mine, I'm thanking the owners for it.

P.S. Prosciutto will be next. I just have to calm down from the feels I have for the husband, I mean Prosciutto.

SFW

- The most beneficial context for your relationship is for it to start off as a partnership, a team. This way, you go through many critical and dramatic experiences together and that will only bring you closer and strengthen your connection. Even after confessing, this dynamic remains, you are still a team, watching for each other.

- Everything about him indicates a slow burn. From obtaining his trust first and then his heart. Even after those two are won, he's still reluctant to the new dynamic. He will never deny those feelings even if he thinks that someone in his position should. Risotto is not just rationally intelligent but also emotionally intelligent so he knows that such desires of the heart cannot be stopped. He doesn't deny the feelings but he suppresses them. He knows how complex those emotions are and that's the problem, it complicates everything around him and you. But little by little, he starts giving in and surrendering to his love.

- At first, he analyzed you only from a strategic point of view (regarding your abilities and how you can work with his team) and in time, it escalated into a deeper and more emotional point of view. Because of this and because Risotto values other opinions and perspectives from his teammates, he seeks advice. No, he won't ask directly but he'll be more attentive when the others talk about you. However, the only one who Risotto might ask for an opinion is Prosciutto because he shares some morals and principles with him. Surprisingly, Prosciutto will put his rational arguments aside a little bit because more than the respect and admiration he holds for Risotto, he wants him to experience this sort of happiness.

- Risotto will not know how to react when receiving your affection, at first. There are many thoughts and morals that don't let him receive affection right. Many of those thoughts are regarding his line of work. He has made peace with the fact that he's not a good man, that he doesn't deserve good things. He's okay with it now, he did what he had to do.

- His preferred love language is acts of service. He's used to doing things for others (but even so he doesn't see how selfless he is) so acts of service are his way to show his feelings. He would do anything for his close ones so for you, his loved one, he would die for you, kill for you, protect you, anything, you name it. Plus, Risotto is always very observant and because his interest is your well-being, he pays extra attention to your needs. About receiving, it can be anything. Again, he doesn't see himself worthy of love.

- He rarely smiles so when you finally catch a glimpse of this rare occasion and compliment him, Risotto is lost. Any sort of comment like this will have him feel things he never felt before, in a good way. As a result, he starts smiling softly more at you in privacy.

- If you get severely injured on a mission, he still keeps his composure in your presence while helping you, patching you up, and even trying to heal you with Metallica. He's serious while doing it but it will be the only time in which his hands start trembling. After helping you, while you rest, he's still there watching over you fully neglecting his need for rest. As you sleep and he looks at your injuries, that's when his composure breaks. The guilt he's feeling is heavy in his heart, thinking how this way of life is not what you deserve and it's his fault.

- He's capable of many things, he's also a strategist but that doesn't mean that he doesn't have moments in which it all gets too much to process. That's where you come to the rescue. He doesn't want to pass his difficulties to you so it will take a lot for him to let himself tell you what's wrong.

- Secrecy and subtility are a must. But he'll get you (he'll make it), a dainty and thin silver bracelet with a charm that resembles some sort of blade. Whenever he's thinking of you and wants to let you know it, you'll feel that bracelet move a bit from his magnetism, as a reminder.

- As subtle as he thought he was, in time, every member of La Squadra will know what his feelings are towards you. Melone was the first to notice the way Risotto looked at you. Since his discovery, Melone couldn't keep it for himself and since then, they all started behaving suspiciously. They smirk every time you talk to Risotto about missions and other formal details, they try to let the two of you alone more, and so on.

NSFW

- Contrary to popular belief, he's not rough (not every time at least) or freaky behind closed doors. His usual and favorite approach is slow and deep. He likes to take his time with it as he sees sex as not just a way to get pleasure but a moment of deepening the connection you have already.

- He never wants to use sex as an outlet for his pent-up frustrations and stress but if you give him the green light, he might give into it when things get too much to bear. But he still holds back a little bit, worried about how rough he can easily get. If you're into this rough approach as well and it's noticeable, he'll feel less guilty but still careful.

- He can go on with the foreplay for hours. Risotto likes to feel the tension build. Enjoying the reactions and the growing desire gives him the most pleasure, more than the act itself. Because of this, he might sometimes slip into trying orgasm denial with you.

- At first, he doesn't see the point of experimenting with kinks because he's so touch-starved. He only needs you. However, gradually he will start asking you for consent about some ideas he has. Watch out for your hands. If you get them close to the metal bars of the bed, your wrists will get caught in metal bindings in the blink of an eye.

- Quiet in the beginning but soon you'll see him losing his composure and start grunting and growling close to your ear as he buries his face in the crook of your neck. Not only that but you'll hear sweet words of affirmation, unheard before as he gets lost in the feeling of you.

- Aftercare is obligatory. It always gets intense, sometimes even rough, and he's aware of his size too so calming you down and taking care of you is both a way of showing his gratitude and also a duty (don't get this one wrong, he sees the act of aftercare as important as the rest of his duties, that's it). The aftercare always ends with him holding your hand and kissing it as another silent expression of his gratefulness and adoration for you. It's his unbreakable habit.

- He has to admit, he likes to mark you. Not in a possessive way, that's why those marks will only be on parts that are not usually visible. But because he loves the image and concept of your skin reacting to his affection. You can leave marks on him as long as they're not visible, again, it's about secrecy and subtility. He might feel a bit proud, just a bit, when he looks in the mirror at the scratches you left on his back.

- Doesn't get bored of being on top. After all of that slow burn and build-up of your deep connection, of course, he wants to look into your eyes when you both let yourselves be engulfed in the pleasure. Might even get a little mischievous with it when he's in a good mood. "If you look away, I'll stop."

The only situations in which you are the one on top are when you simply ask for it or when you tell him you want to help him relax. Hearing those words coming from you while you start touching him with care and warmth is going to be the death of him.

- Not a fan of quickies. He needs the whole thing. As mentioned before, he needs to feel the tension built and loves taking his time with it. But also, above all, he wants to treat you right so a quickie will never be enough for this.

[dicentsalve]

Hmm.. I'm very interested in your ideas / headcanons for La squadra, if you don't mind sharing

Ooooh, you woke up the wrong beast, bb

● Sorbet and Gelato.

Sorbet, being a priest at the prison, meets Gelato, who later goes to his church as a "correction".

This is not a story about how a bad boy spoiled a nice one, they are both crazy bitches, just in different conditions.

This is all until the moment when they are both thrown out of civilized society.

Gelato often tells some strange, disgusting or funny stories from missions or prison (He especially likes to tell them to Pesci).

Sorbet finds a common language with people quite easily, not conflicting (at least outwardly).

Sorbet's Stand - The Informers.

It's a multitude of bright blue dragonflies that penetrate into electrical and Internet networks, searching for the desired information

If the information isn't complete, then the stand collects all the pieces that resemble the answer to the request.

Gelato's Stand - Disturbed

A stand that signals the owner in the event of an impending danger and from which side it is approaching

If the threat is not eliminated, then the signal will continue to come with increasing frequency, increasing depending on the threat to life.

● Formaggio

Has a terrarium with spiders.

Every member of the team knows when a football match is taking place (not by choice).

Often watches matches with Prosciutto and Sorbet.

Sometimes plays with an ordered target (like children tearing off spiders' legs or drowning butterflies)

Secretly uses Illuso shampoos.

● Illuso

He is more sarcastic in Risotto's presence, much less in his absence due to the desire to present himself as better than others in his eyes.

It is quite possible that Risotto himself unintentionally contributed to this.

He knows that Formaggio uses his shampoos (he will strangle him on New Year's Eve)

● Prosciutto

He likes older women, especially if they have money, status and connections (hence the very expensive clothes).

He is a Neapolitan, which is both audible and visible.

He often clashes and picks on Ghiaccio because the White Album cancels the ability of Grateful Dead.

He often keeps Risotto company on lonely sleepless nights over a glass of martini and whiskey. Mostly, these are just silent get-togethers, so that he doesn't get lonely.

He is often the one who gets it from Risotto for the mistakes and failures of other team members, especially the younger ones.

He gets angry when Gelato scares Pesci with stories, but doesn't have the balls to say anything back to him.

● Pesci

He's a Tuscan and often uses the Tuscan dialect, especially in stressful situations, and also starts to mumble and stutter, which irritates Prosciutto, who doesn't always understand him exactly or at all.

He runs in the mornings to the embankment, sometimes together with Ghiaccio.

● Melone

Have known Ghiaccio since childhood.

He is quite calm without external triggers, just like Ghiaccio, so they easily found a common language.

Melone passed Polpo's test without waking up Black Sabbat, has had a Stand since birth, which partly helped him.

Unhealthy frequent contact with women in childhood instilled a more consumerist and insignificant attitude towards them in adulthood, which was additionally influenced by the Stand, the capabilities of which he actively explored without moral and physical restrictions.

Passion for neat, well-groomed legs, especially with heels, is due to the perception of innocence, inaccessibility and defenselessness, which is especially attractive for creating a junior.

Sleeps naked, because it is more cozy and comfortable.

Blindness in one eye was a big problem at first because of the blind spot it opened up, but he learned to pay more attention to it (He sometimes crashes into someone/something on sharp turns). He was able to get a higher education thanks to his brother's connections (or rather, the opportunity to get)

● Ghiaccio

After receiving the stand, he was a huge pain in the ass for everyone when he was just learning it.

Has a low body temperature.

Only Risotto and, a little less often, Melone can shut him up.

Sometimes he sleeps poorly, so he comes either to Melone (he regrets his life choices) or to Risotto.

Makes everyone who dared not only to drive it, but to touch anything in it, dry clean his sweet Miata.

● Risotto

He hates tea and mineral water.

Sometimes he makes fun of Formaggio (like stealing a fork while he's turned away or tripping him up a bit).

Melone and Ghiaccio - his right and left hands.

He knows many grannys well, whom he met at the cemetery and who always look forward to his return to Sicily.

His father was a member of the Sicilian Mafia.

[berylcups]

La Squadra X Reader

What’s their sleeping habits like?

CW: sleep paralysis, sleep talking, lingerie, boners 😳

Notes: hey, here’s another HC with some X Reader elements mixed in! I hope you all enjoy! If you enjoy these types of posts please feel free to send in an ask! I could always use more inspiration! 💜 Beryl

Risotto-

What time do they prefer to go to bed?: Being a leader it’s hard to stick to a routine but unless it’s critical, his team urges him to have a scheduled bedtime for his own health. He typically goes to bed around 1 AM. This is late enough where he can help out some of the night owls and able to get up early enough to help the daytime loving teammates.

What time do they prefer to get up?: since he's on a schedule, he gets up around 9. If he’s extra exhausted no later than 10:30 am.

Do they have a bedtime routine?: He goes around checking on everyone who’s still up and makes sure they’re okay and don’t need anything before he goes to his room. He brushes his teeth aggressively, the bristles on the toothbrush are fucking frayed. He's too tired to shower at night. The last time he did that he fell asleep standing up and you had to get some help dragging him out of the shower into bed. 😬 he’s a morning shower person now.

What position do they sleep in?: he sleeps on his back. He won’t voice it but expects you to treat him like a body pillow or sleep on top of him. He’s too broke for a weighted blanket and you're the best alternative. He’s completely at peace feeling you up against him and will wrap an arm around you as if you were his own teddy bear.

Any sleeping disorders/behaviors?: he has nightmares that he doesn’t remember and he sleep talks… it would be no problem if what he said wasn’t so cryptic.

“They come at dawn…” “The secret society smells your fear” “the night sky has eyes…they’re watching.” 😰

What do they sleep in?: surprisingly more clothes than when he’s awake. He wears his favorite Metallica shirt and pajama pants. He doesn’t like being cold when he’s sleeping

Formaggio-

What time do they prefer to go to bed?: if he doesn’t have a busy day he’ll go to bed at about 2 am. If he has a particularly tough mission, maybe 11pm at the earliest.

What time do they prefer to get up?: if Prosciutto isn’t around, 12 PM. But about 10 AM. Pros won’t let anyone sleep later than Risotto!

Do they have a bedtime routine?: routine? What routine? Luckily you’re the one to put him into a routine. He has his nighttime shower that he INSISTS that you join him on. Fun and games is fine but make sure he remembers to actually wash up! He’ll brush his teeth and loudly gargle his mouth wash. Don’t let him snack afterwards or else he’ll have to brush his teeth again! 😩 Cavities are no joke Maggio!

What position do they sleep in?: He starts out on his left side while spooning you. It’s good for your stomach and he loves being the big spoon. If he snores you’ll have to gently roll and nudge him on to his back so he’ll stop… he sounds like a chainsaw. 😖

Any sleeping disorders/behaviors?: well he snores and he’s a bed snacker. Make sure he doesn’t bring any snacks into the bedroom. We don’t want crumbs in the bedding! He’ll whine and beg to eat chips/crisps in the bed but you gotta stay firm. No snacks in the bed!

What do they sleep in?: just his boxers. He’s a simple man. Why does he need to spend money on clothes to go to bed in if it’s just you and him? Boxers it is! Besides…he hates getting too warm when he’s sleeping.

Illuso-

What time do they prefer to go to bed?: 11 PM. He’d like to go to bed a bit earlier but his shows come on later at night and he doesn’t want to miss them so the minute they’re over he’s ready to go to bed.

What time do they prefer to get up?: 7AM he wants to get up earlier than most of the others so he can steal all the hot water when he showers. So rude 😤

Do they have a bedtime routine?: He has his extensive 7 step skincare routine. He includes you in it because it’s good for your skin and for your self esteem. He likes to brush your hair and demands that you undo his pigtails and brush his hair too. He won’t admit it but it’s very obvious but brushing his hair makes him all soft and lovey dovey.

What position do they sleep in?: it starts out on his right side spooning you but as he falls deeper into sleep he sleeps on his belly…if it’s hot out he starfishes his entire body over bed and you have to either sleep on top or under his arms and legs. 😅

Any sleeping disorders/behaviors?: he gets…nighttime wood 🪵 he doesn’t do anything rude but having something stick you in the ass while you're spooning and trying to sleep is kinda uncomfortable 🥴 other than that he’s perfect! No snoring no sleep talking no tossing and turning no nothing! Just don’t bring his attention to it… it’s uh, embarrassing. 😳

What do they sleep in?: just a pair of breezy lounge pants. Definitely plaid or some other unisex pattern.

Prosciutto-

What time do they prefer to go to bed?: 10PM going to bed early means for a more productive day tomorrow! He’s a workaholic and if he’s not working a late night he wants to be in bed.

What time do they prefer to get up?: no later than 6:30 am. He’s a strict 8 hour a night man. He doesn’t let anyone sleep in past Risotto. He thinks it’s downright disrespectful and lazy! Risotto is working his ass off and you’re still in bed? Not on his watch.

Do they have a bedtime routine?: he undoes his hair ties and brushes his hair. He uses all his fancy overnight face and hair products to go to bed in. He invites you in on the night time ritual as well as long as it works for your skin and hair chemistry. And just riiiight before sleep he gets his nightcap in. 🥴 he loves his fancy booze , helps him sleep 😴 not very healthy but there’s worse things he could be doing

What position do they sleep in?: he sleeps on his left side. He's really picky about what position he sleeps in. He has his left arm under his pillow and his right arm around your waist. Even when sleeping he feels the need to hold and protect you. 💕

Any sleeping disorders/behaviors?: if he sleeps in any other position other than his left side he gets sleep paralysis. He won’t admit it but it really unnerves him. Not being able to control your body and hallucinating God knows what will stay on his mind the entire day, maybe days. No wonder why he only sleeps on one side. He won’t let you know if he had an episode but he’ll be a little more quiet than usual. Don’t bring it up but give him a big hug and kiss to comfort him. ❤️

What do they sleep in?: he sleeps in fancy name brand silk button up pajamas. No patterns, just dark colors like navy blue, forest green, and burgundy.

Pesci-

What time do they prefer to go to bed?: 10PM, Prosciutto expects him to go to bed and get up at the same time as him. 🥲 poor guy never has a say in anything

What time do they prefer to get up?: 6:45 AM, it takes a little while for prosciutto to get up and get ready so he takes advantage of that by sleeping in an extra few minutes.

Do they have a bedtime routine?: He always has a warm glass of milk before bed to help him wind down. Then he likes to brush his teeth and take a bubble bath 🧼. He’s pretty big but if you wanna join him he’ll do what he can to make room. Just make sure it’s just for washing and relaxation…anything lewd will give the poor boy a nose bleed and make him faint! 😰

What position do they sleep in?: He sleeps on his right side in a fetal position. You get to be the big spoon! 🥄 no matter how big or small you are, knowing you’re right behind him makes him feel cozy and secure. 🥺

Any sleeping disorders/behaviors?: his legs are a little restless so they twitch every so often and he drools just a teeny bit. Not a lot like some others ! It’s hardly noticeable!

What do they sleep in?: He has his favorite T shirt and pair of silk pajama pants that Prosciutto gave him. He has a matching button up pajama top but it’s too warm and too restrictive for it to be comfortable for him.

Melone-

What time do they prefer to go to bed?: sleep? What sleep? This sex goblin pulls all nighters. Once you’re able to wrangle this self destructive nut, he’ll go to bed around 3 AM.

What time do they prefer to get up?: 9 AM, he doesn’t require as much sleep as others.

Do they have a bedtime routine?: He takes a shower with a 4 step shampoo/conditioning system and an exfoliating moisturizing body scrub. And don’t forget about the body butter when he’s done. The water goes cold before he’s done with everything! You’re more than welcome to use his products but…in what order do you use all these things???

What position do they sleep in?: on either side with you facing him so you can wrap each other's limbs around one another. He just loves being as close to you as possible!

Any sleeping disorders/behaviors?: he drools…quite a bit. 😬 his pillow case is always a little moist. He needs it to be extra cool in his room or he has a habit of kicking the blankets off.

What do they sleep in?: just his underwear. 😳 particularly a thong or a pair of your underwear that he took of yours.

Ghiaccio-

What time do they prefer to go to bed?: 9 PM He goes to bed the earliest because he expends so much energy mentally and physically. He's exhausted by bed time. You can tell when he’s tired because his rants are less animated and aggressive. Also he rubs his eyes when he’s tired.

What time do they prefer to get up?: 5:30 AM he gets up way before anyone else. Early mornings are good so he can get his cardio in. He also needs his quiet time without anyone around to bother him…and he needs to get that hot water for a shower before illuso steals it all. 🙄

Do they have a bedtime routine?: He does a few stretches to get out all that extra nervous energy, he kinda looks like a cat when he makes a big stretch and yawns 🥱. He brushes any knots out of his soft blue curls and then he aggressively brushes his teeth with an electric toothbrush. The bristles get frayed way before the brush head needs to be changed. 😭 he really likes it when you run your hand through his curls and gently scratch his head. Don’t call him a kitty boy, that makes him spicy.🌶️ and not the fun kind of spicy 😔

What position do they sleep in?: fetal position and he wraps himself around your body. He likes intertwining his legs with yours. You're his self warming body pillow. He’s a light sleeper so if you leave his arms it’s gonna wake him up and get a little crabby. But what are you supposed to do? Pee the bed? He expects you to have all your affairs in order before bed so you don’t move out his arms and wake him up!

Any sleeping disorders/behaviors?: he sleep talks. There’s not a single part of his day where he’s not vocal. Hope you’re not a light sleeper because he talks a lot. But you should have known that already when you started a relationship with him! He has the oddest arguments. You don’t know what he’s talking about but it’s pretty funny at times!

“Ramen is not a pasta shithead…”

“We’re out of butane.”

“Thank you…come again.”

What do they sleep in?: t shirt and thick lounge pants , he’s always cold 🥶

[soupbabe]

Can I request la squadra with a reader with a biting problem? NOT in a kinky way, like they basically chew on anything they can like a dog. That pen that someone lost? Readers chewing on it. The strings on your hoodie are busted? They were chewed on by reader. THANK YOU 🙏

La Squadra x Reader with a Biting Problem Headcanons

I'm so sorry for taking so long to get to this 😅😅 been focusing on other stuff lately and been forgetting to write

Formaggio

- Oh he also has a biting problem!!

- If you had a nickel for every time you saw Formaggio get ink all over him for biting a pen too hard, you'd get two nickels

- He doesn't mind your bad habit, he thinks it's adorable!

- It's not a big deal to him, just another cute quirk you both share

- Bite him he'd bite you back <3

Illuso

- He's going to act disgusted even though you know he has the same biting habit

- You'd loan him a pencil and he'd return it with the eraser accidentally bit off

- He's in complete denial about it though. Might try to convince you that you did it.

- He's a terrible liar and stubborn so it's useless trying to argue about it

- Tease him and he'd get so pouty about it, crossing his arms and rolling his eyes at you

Prosciutto

- Okay yeah I think he's the only one who doesn't share anything with you because he fears you chewing on his stuff

- And also unfortunately for you he will always be in someone's business

- He'd see you chew on the neckline of your shirt and he'd lightly scold you like "What are you, a goat? Stop it."

- I promise you he can be caring about it

- For example he cares a lot about the condition of your clothes. That's why you don't chew on it. See, he's helpful.

Pesci

- He's a chronic biter too, but he does it out of nerves!

- Constantly asks if you're okay when he sees you fidgeting and biting something

- Sure he knows you just do it when you're bored, but this man is always stressed and worries that you might be getting anxious over something too

- Pesci has a bad habit of biting his nails, thinking about you both reminding each other to break the habit!

- Pesci is just super supportive, having someone like him to help him to stop biting is a major relief

Melone

- Melone doesn't care for the most part, he just asks you to refrain from chewing around his juniors

- He doesn't like to think about the chaos that'd bring if Babyface decided to eat anything and everything they see because they wanted to copy your behavior

- But Melone is ever the teasing type, he sees you chewing on a pen or him, and he's always going to make it something more than it actually is

- Like he's the kind of guy to ask for one of your chewed up pencils just bite and lick at it, all while maintaining eye contact.

- All in the efforts to fluster, make you mad, etc. Everything you do is amusing to him

Ghiaccio

- Reader you are so lucky he likes you because it's one of his major pet peeves

- Ghiaccio doesn't like it, you will get certain privileges revoked because you chew on his things

- Things you're banned from: His pens, pencils, hoodies, erasers, literally anything in his room

- But also it irritates him that he's picked up your biting habit

- It's when he's in deep thought and working, he'll occasionally chew on a pen or bite through the wires on his headphones

Risotto

- I think he tries to mind his business about it, he doesn't outwardly say his thoughts on the biting problem, but it's telling that you have never even held one of his pens

- Risotto doesn't think it's gross, he just likes to have things without bite marks, y'know?

- Literally he only cares if it's his own stuff getting bit, with everything else he believes you and the others can talk it out

- If you're even closer to him, he may find it endearing.

- It's like seeing someone focussing with their tongue poking out, it's just a weirdly cute quirk of yours

[oddverse]

Finally home from work this is how I make them extra terrible so i can feel better about myself

I need cracked out la squadra headcanons, they are the mafia I need them to love coke and hookers

[princelylove]

Dear prince,

I have come again because I cannot ignore your callings any further. (I'm the anon that requested the jotaro hcs and prosciutto with model darling) sorry they were a bit tame, I have so much I wanna ask but don't. Partly because I get so nervous and giddy while thinking of sending them and partly because I forget to.

Anyways, I've been thinking of sending you an ask about the more doting yanderes e.g. Bruno, Jonathan and whoever else comes into your mind with a little 'miss independent' darling. They get so offended and pouty when their captor tries to help them or do something for them, thinking it's an act of underestimation and thinking they aren't capable enough and have to be babied. (How will the yanderes handle this? Maybe even a bit of brat taming?)

– 💝🪤 darling

There's no need to be shy about it. I'm fairly happy to humor requests, even if they're on the tame side. I do wish I'd receive some odd ones, though. Variety is fun.

Wellll. Do you like to be restrained? Because this is like begging to be given less and less privileges, assuming their darling is already safe and sound in their 'home.'

Bruno loves you a lot. He wishes he understood what he's doing wrong- spouses are supposed to relax when their man is home!

He gets fairly frustrated early on. It's agitating, if he's being honest. Bruno doesn't know how to punish this kind of behavior- his instinct is to bend you over his knee and make you count how many times he spanks you, but that's probably just going to give him more problems long term. You won't relax in front of him if he's hit you before, and the goal is to make you want to roll on your back for him...

Maybe he can't hit you, but he can scold you. Bruno exists to help you, please just let him handle the dangerous things, even if it's just cutting up some fruit. Knives aren't a joke!

He goes through a few stages before he lands on proper scolding. First, he tries to bribe you. Then, he tries to reason with you.

"Come on, amore. This is for your own good. What can I do to help you through this?"

Since neither of those work, it seems he has no other option than to chide you.

Jotaro wishes you would just shut up and behave. You're such a pain in the ass sometimes, you know that? He regrets how he handled taking you home. Maybe if he were nicer, you wouldn't behave like a spoiled brat that acts out for his attention.

Yeah, he's fully convinced it's an attention thing. You're just fucking with him. Obviously you're pouty and whiny because he's been busy lately, so... sorry. He'll be around more, ok? No need for all of this whining and screaming and crying shit, it's annoying as hell.

Yeah, sure, you can take care of yourself. He's not doing that. He's checking you. You're not a baby, sure, he never said you were. Can you just lift your shirt up already? He needs to check for bruises again.

You can expect any verbal resistance to be met with.... verbal resistance. Jotaro is unsurprisingly quick witted, and can be pushed a little before he starts to find it annoying. He'd prefer you to be docile and happy about it, but Jotaro can see a little back and forth as fun. Maybe. It depends.

When you really piss him off and aren't cooperating in the slightest, he's less fun about it. His ability to stop time comes in handy when his favorite brat thinks they can get away with not humoring his paranoia checks. If you're not going to play nice, Jotaro will just violate any sense of privacy you were clinging to before this. Fine, ok. Make him be the asshole because you don't want to do something simple like let him see your arms or stomach.

He offers no comfort afterwards, because he didn't do anything wrong. Maybe if you listened to him, you'd understand. The house rules aren't up for debate.

... Yes, he still wants to sleep with you tonight and to tuck you in nicely. That isn't up for debate either.

[fluttershy-in-grippy-socks]

Eee hi!! i adore ur account 🫀🫀

would really love a themed diet that focuses on the 'morute' or creepy cute aesthetic. my max cal intake is 900, lowest is 200, but i can deff be flexible <3

Much Love!

C.K. 🫀

Ofc!! I got your second ask btw, it's totally fine- I appreciate it cuz if people dont say how many weeks they want i just do two weeks lol

Extra stuffs under the cut <3

Since this diet is so long and so high res, i added metab days once every two weeks to keep your metabolism up throughout the diet!

Some things you can do to fit the vibes:

Drink plain water or tea, and eat lightly flavored foods or things you consider "delicate" (if that makes sense)

If it's safe for you to do so, take your walks at nighttime

Spend more time doing things at night or stay awake more during the night

Dress for the vibe of courseee

Try reading more or taking up journaling or writing

Mealspo

Some morning tea and a cup of greek yogurt with a little bit or fruit or granola~

Rice cakes with some jelly or cream cheese~

Slices of prosciutto and cheese, maybe olives too~

Cucumber and strawberry infused water with a tiny bit of water flavoring~

A cute little dessert on a tiny plate, maybe a cupcake, brownie, or tart~

As always, stop immediately if the diet starts posing a genuine health risk such as:

You start getting super dizzy or passing out

You feel really weak/shaky and can't function properly because of it

Your vision starts going out or spinning/blurring

You are experiencing another serious problem that is known to be caused or worsened by food restriction

[nicherayyy]

la squadra with a child whos really quiet? like dont speak at all unless its really important

La Squadra x quiet Child Reader

You always were really quiet. In fact, it was surprising to you how loud some kids could be. Like?? Why are you yelling in the middle of the store??

You really value silence. There were days when you could sit in your room all the time without a single sound. You don't like to talk much either. You prefer to listen. And sometimes it scared the hell out of La Squadra.

Risotto tries to talk to you whenever he has a spare moment. Sometimes it's not even something important.

"What's your favourite kind of breakfast? I can cook whatever you want"

Though if he sees that you don't want to talk right now, he'll just leave you alone. He understands how tiring can be sometimes. But if you need to talk about anything, he is always here for you.

On the other hand, Prosciutto is worried about you. At first he even thought that you were too shy to talk to them. For this reason, he spent a lot of time with you.

"Look, there's nothing to be shy about. How about you tell me about your day"

But over time he saw that you simply preferred silence. So he left you be. But honestly, he's so happy when you talk to him.

Illuso finds it amusing. He had never seen a child that would remain silent bc they just want to. When you first spoke to him he was shocked.

"Wow, you can talk"

But he don't mind. He likes the silence. Although sometimes he wouldn't mind listening to your thoughts.

Formaggio's sad about it. Here he thought that he got a new buddy, and you're just.. being silent?? That's a shame. No matter how much others beg him to leave you alone, he still tries to stick to you with his stupid questions.

"What colour of cereal do you like?"

Pesci is cool with this. If you don't like to talk then just don't. Whatever makes you feel comfortable. Sometimes he likes to just sit with you in silence. But when you talk to him he feels so honoured.

"Y-yes? Do you need something? Are you okay?"

Melone don't mind your quietness. Though he wish he could talk to you more often. But he loves how attentively you listen to him.

"So I read this book yesterday-"

And when you start the conversation he's so overjoyed! Please, talk to the poor man.

Ghiaccio don't like this situation at all. He thinks you hate him and that's the reason you won't talk with him.

"Why don't you just talk? What's your problem?"

Melone had to explain him for a long time that it's just who you are and it's nothing to do with him.

[the-illiterate-pirate]

Seducing La Squadra ♡ (Suggestive)

This one's for my babygirl @jojowifey 😘 hi sorry if these are a little half-assed it's sleepy tired hours. Not including Sorb and Gel this time around because tbh I don't really see them being into getting hit on at the bar? I mean they're a couple why would you want to hit on them ANYWAY-

#7– Formaggio

•Easiest to seduce into taking home... My guy's a horndog. Some nights you wouldn't even need to try, just give him a flirty wink and you're set. Desperate much? Maybe, just a little... Can you blame him? Being in the Mafia is stressful stuff. Other nights, just be confident, offer him a drink, tell him how sexy he looks, he'll be falling in love on the spot.

#6– Prosciutto

•You could not believe the stress this man is under even if you tried. The only reason you'd find him at a bar is to relax, with a drink or with a lucky lady. He has more dignity than Formaggio though, and will take his time getting to know you. But he's still a needy man, and he loves a woman who takes charge; sit in his lap, feel him up, tell him how you feel. How can he refuse?

#5– Melone

•Similar level to Maggi, but you need some more umpf trying to get him to leave the bar. Melone is all for flirting it up with you in public though, so have your fun. He's also a sucker for light touches. Hands ghosting up his arms, playing with his hair. It drives him wild, and he'd love to feel more of you. Teasing him is a sure fire way to leaving the bar with him.

#4– Illuso

•Attention, attention, attention. Make him feel noticed. Compliment his appearance, compliment him, his dick will go flying off. But seriously, you may call it narcissism, but 'Luso doesn't get as much attention as you'd expect :( just treat him good, and you're set. He isn't as easy as the rest, but after some getting to know you, he'll feel comfortable enough to take you home, and maybe more ;3

#3– Risotto

•Similar to Prosciutto, Risotto doesn't go out much unless it's to relax. The best way to get along with Risotto is to get to know him, and help him unwind first, maybe some light drinks could help. It takes some time, but if you're patient you'll get to see a new side of him, something softer, and a little more flirty. You might not get a ride home on the first night, but Risotto wouldn't mind slipping you a private phone number if you want to try a second go.

#2– Ghiaccio

•Ghia isn't all hard headedness, he's a young adult who's easy to fluster. But too much teasing will make him upset. Tread lightly at first, get to know him deep down before you shoot your shot. At some point you'll be able to joke with him without problem, but full on flirting? This boy will short circuit. It may be cute, but don't dote on him too hard. Trying to seduce Ghia is 50/50, depending on his mood you may be able to leave with him, or it may end in just light hearted flirting.

#1– Pesci

•Oh boy oh boy. Pesci is the hardest to seduce. Not because he isn't in to it, but my boy can be a little... Dense. And being headstrong there's the chance he'll freeze up and get turned off to the whole experience. Pesci really isn't into one night stands or the like, and would much rather prefer something more steady, if that's what you're into. You might not leave that night with him on your arm, but you could leave with a number, and a lil kiss on the hand.

[raspberriesandadventures]

Asleep Beside Them - La Squadra Headcanons

︵‿︵‿୨♡୧‿︵‿︵︵‿︵‿୨♡୧‿︵‿︵︵‿︵‿୨♡୧‿︵‿︵

Sharing a Bed with Them

Risotto:

Risotto sleeps lightly. It’s an unfortunate side-effect of his job. The slightest bumps in the night will wake him up so he’s going to ask you to move as little as possible.

He’d prefer you on his chest, your comforting weight allowing him to make sure you’re safe and tide over some of his nightly paranoia.

He doesn’t shift at all and makes even less sound. If you ever wake up in the middle of the night, you’ll be tempted to check and make sure he’s still breathing.

Getting him to come to bed with you will always be a bit of a fight because he’s constantly overworked. You can normally tempt him by falling asleep on his shoulder.

His dreams are often surreal, featuring beautiful colours and morphing shapes he doesn’t understand but sometimes you’re there and he always wakes up happy then.

Formaggio:

Formaggio sleeps like a log but he never sleeps deeply enough for nothing to wake him – sounds or unusual movements from you will draw him into alertness.

He likes to have you wrapped in his arms at all times and he insists on being the big spoon as long as you’re happy with that. Good luck leaving this spot.

He doesn’t move very much but he does speak in his sleep, often senseless mumbling, but rarely he’ll confess to eating your snacks.

You will have no problems getting Formaggio into bed. He’ll gladly curl up with you even if he’s meant to be working (although obviously not on the job).

He has mostly fun dreams, intermitted with brief and startling nightmares. He’ll always be grateful if you wake him up from either, you’re much better than a dream.

Illuso:

Illuso only ever sleeps in the mirror realm where he knows he’s safe and, when here, there is no force on heaven or earth that can wake him up.

He’s not particularly affectionate when he sleeps and prefers to be only loosely in contact with you. Knowing you’re in the same bed is enough of a contact.

He’s a very deep sleeper but he moves a surprising amount, tossing and turning and often stealing the blanket from you. He will call you a liar every time you tell him this.

Sometimes it’s difficult to get Illuso to come and sleep but often, it’s almost shockingly easy to convince him to disappear into the mirror realm.

Illuso doesn’t remember his dreams very often but he always knows when they involved you because those days, he’ll wake up blissful and content.

Prosciutto:

Prosciutto takes some time to fall asleep but, when he does, he looks gentler than you could imagine. It’s sweet and also why he never sleeps near the others.

He appreciates sleeping back-to-back, knowing that he’s watching your weakest point and that you have his. Even if you wouldn’t be the best defense, he trusts you.

He infrequently shuffles around and almost never speaks unless you make sounds in which he will tell you to be quiet though he never remembers saying this.

It’s painful to try and convince Prosciutto to come and rest. He has a list of requirements before he sleeps and will not lighten up on any of them.

Though he wouldn’t say it, his dreams are very romantic and often feature you, wrapped in a golden haze and nothing less than happy.

Pesci:

Pesci is a fairly light sleeper and he wakes up rather like a zombie, scaring you the first few times he sits up out of nowhere and begins moving.

He likes having you wrapped in his arms with your head tucked close to his chest because he truly feels as though you trust him to look after you.

He speaks all the time in his sleep and it’s frequently very clear with anything ranging from declarations of love to strangely detailed job plans being explained to you.

Some nights he’ll come to bed with you easily but he’ll frequently find himself wrapped up and need to be offered cuddles. Sometimes he holds out on you for this.

Pesci’s dreams are chaotic and often feature Prosciutto and the others prominently which has resulted in some awkward situations when you’re there too.

Melone:

Melone leans on the heavier side of sleeping when he gets around to finding the time to rest. That by itself is a pretty rare occasion.

When he sleeps, he really likes to face you while he falls asleep so if his mind is racing too fast, he can see your peaceful expressions.

He doesn’t speak often while resting but he moves a lot. At the worst, he sleepwalks and at the best, he tosses and turns constantly through the night.

Melone doesn’t think of sleeping as important but if you remind him and ask nicely enough, he’s not going to protest in the slightest.

His dreams are quite vivid but they’re strange and often more self-focused. Sometimes though, he’ll turn around and see you and you’ll warm everything.

Ghiaccio:

Ghiaccio sleeps the most out of all members of La Squadra. He goes to bed the earliest and wakes up the last if nothing interrupts him.

He switches between which positions he favours but he really likes having one of his arms beneath your pillow. Your weight comforts him without being overwhelming.

He is a loud sleeper and if he isn’t snoring, he’s likely speaking. His rants don’t stop in sleep and if you listen, they’re surprisingly coherent.

You can’t convince Ghiaccio to take naps with you unless a job has left him too exhausted to protest. He likes his schedule.

He really doesn’t remember his dreams very well but when you’re there, it’s one of the few times when he remains quiet throughout his sleep.

Sorbet:

Sorbet sleeps deeply every night. He speaks highly of maintaining a constant sleep cycle and encourages everybody around him to try it.

He doesn’t like too much contact while sleeping and the most he’ll give you is a single tangled leg. If you’re an octopus in your sleep though, he won’t mind much.

He makes some strange noises when he’s asleep and the first time you hear them, they will absolutely give you a fright.

You can convince him to nap with you with ease. All it requires is a soft inquiry or a small yawn and he’ll join you on the bed without complaint.

Sorbet remembers all of his dreams in scary detail and he doesn’t frequently enjoy them, abstract as they are, but he always tells you about them if you ask.

Gelato:

Gelato doesn’t sleep for long periods of time, often sustaining himself entirely on short naps, but he’s sometimes willing to sleep at your side if you ask.

He entangles himself with you and wraps his arms and legs around you rather like an octopus, often burying his face into your neck before sleeping.

He doesn’t move much or make any noise but, even when he’s tangled with you, he’s likely not actually asleep. If he does though, he hums softly like he’s serenading you.

If you try and ask him to sleep with you, he’ll encourage you to seek out Sorbet instead unless you really insist. He’s not really able to say no to you.

When Gelato does dream, nightmares chase him almost constantly and he often wakes up in a cold sweat but being with you can sooth him.